#anyway :D this has been my brain project for the past week or so i have been thinking about it so much

[sneez]

pathologic but it's a lost 1920s german expressionist film [id under cut]

[id:

image 1: a digital drawing of a fake poster, using bright colours and rough, painterly brushstrokes. the title, 'pest' (german for 'plague'), is written at the top in spiky black text. in the foreground a man dressed as a tragedian is staring intently at the viewer, his hands raised and splayed as if in horror. in the background, the town is framed against a red sky, with the polyhedron in yellow behind.

images 2 and 3: fake casting sheets for the film, with the names of the actors and the characters they are playing above a black-and-white portrait photograph of them. all the text is in german. in english it reads: 'Pest', a film by Robert Wiene Alfred Abel as Victor Kain Ernst Busch as Grief Lil Dagover as Katerina Saburova Ernst Deutsch as the Bachelor Carl de Vogt as Vlad the Younger Marlene Dietrich as the Inquisitor Willy Fritsch as Mark Immortell Alexander Granach as Andrey and Peter Stamatin Bernhard Goetzke as General Block Dolly Haas as the Changeling Ludwig Hartau as the Haruspex Brigitte Helm as Anna Angel Brigitte Horney as Maria Kaina Emil Jannings as Big Vlad Gerda Maurus as Yulia Lyuricheva Lothar Menhert as Georgiy Kain Asta Nielsen as Lara Ravel Ossi Oswalda as Eva Yan Fritz Rasp as Stanislas Rubin Conrad Veidt as Alexander Saburov and Tragedian Paul Wegener as Oyun Gertrud Welcker as Aspity

image 4: four digital sketches of set designs for various locations. all are strongly influenced by expressionist imagery, using extreme angles, warped perspective, and dramatic shapes. they are labelled 'street 1' (a street lined with houses), 'street 2' (a square with a lamppost and a set of steps), 'polyhedron exterior' (the polyhedron walkway), and 'cathedral interior' (the dais at the far end of the cathedral).

image 5: four digital drawings in a black-and-white watercolour style, showing fake stills from the film. all are similarly distorted and lit by dramatic lighting. the first shows katerina's bedroom, with katerina standing in the centre of the floor. the second shows the interior of an infected house. the third shows daniil staring out of the frame in horror, one hand on his head and the other raised as if to ward something off. the fourth shows an intertitle with jagged white text reading 'the first day' against a dark background.

end id.]

[everybodyknows-everybodydies]

tagged by @morihaus! thank you for thinking of me!! c’:

describe one wip you’re planning to work on over the summer: I have made the teeniest of dents in the Amanda Lee revelation chapter which I consider a great success! also have a handful of short pieces I’m working on besides the ones for tesfest. the one closest to being done is one I thought would be a good primer for how I’ve been thinking of the mechanics of restoration in a less um. immediately urgent setting lol.

recommend a book: OBLIGATORY: read Peter S. Beagle. cough. anyway I think while last time I recommended books I hit a couple of my favorites but I’ve been thinking about Anna Pigeon again so let me tell you once more in more detail about Nevada Barr’s Anna Pigeon series. gimmick setting mysteries where the gimmick setting is a different national park each time bc Anna Pigeon is a middle-aged park ranger, who used to be on the tech side of live theatre, has a Tragic Past involving a Dead Husband of Many Years Ago, is 100% unknowingly bisexual (which I would say is just me projecting but 1. Barr has written at least one book about a wlw relationship and 2. for a while she lives with her lesbian friend and is like oh :( I’m so sad eventually she’ll find a gf and I’ll have to stop living with her :( if only I were gay and also her type so we could keep living together :( like... ma’am.), and she’s so much fun. I love her. Track of the Cat is the first one and the ending KILLS ME. light spoiler territory ahead, but listen. LISTEN. do you want to read about a scrawny 40-something woman covered in blood and leaving a man to certain death? OF COURSE YOU DO. read the Anna Pigeon books. pls.

recommend a fic: as always, everything in my fic rec tag is, obviously, a hearty and resounding recommendation!! however I am also going to take this opportunity to plug EBStarr’s Cordano work bc they get it. I have never otherwise seen someone who nails their characterization and dynamic so precisely so naturally I come back to their work every so often like a moth to candlelight. OBSESSED. had the jaw-dropping realization a few months ago that they were apparently only like 17 when they wrote these and then I had a bit of a crisis lol. EBStarr if you’re out there I NEED to know what you’re writing now bc I think you’re a genius

recommend music: the song I have been looping for days on end now, from my all-time favorite band: Nothing Lost by Anberlin. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again Stephen Christian’s voice could resurrect me!! it’s from what was previously their most recent EP until like three weeks ago and the most recent one is ALSO exceptionally good, this is just what’s currently feeding the brain worms

share a piece of advice: run the garbage disposal in your sink every couple days even if you don’t think you need to. trust me you do need to you really really need to please my friends listen to me do not make my mistakes run your garbage disposal right now

tagging the usual suspects @bwayfan25, @codenamesailordarillium, @flugames and anyone else who wants to do it (please do it and say I tagged you I love tag games and seeing what people’s answers are!! :D)

[prismatic-bell]

So the other day I said a thing about how I felt like a line could be drawn between antis, and the rise of 24-hour news networks. I’ve given that thought some time to bubble to see what, exactly, my brain meant by that statement, and here’s what I’ve got:

When I was a kid (back in Ye Olde 1990s), we had three major news stations in my town: Channel 12, Channel 24, and Channel 35. These corresponded to NBC, ABC, and CBS, but I don’t remember which one was which so don’t ask me. Anyway--you had a half hour of news at 8 or 9 am (depending on which station you watched), an hourlong program at noon in which half the program was stuff like “here are today’s beach closures and some recipes and also if you’re looking for stuff to do with the kids this weekend here are local promotions,” and half an hour at either 5, 5:30, or 6 (again, depending on which channel you watched). One of the three stations also did a half-hour capper at 10pm. So unless you were watching all three stations, and picking the news every single time, the max amount of news you were going to get was like an hour and a half. If you wanted more news than that, you read the newspaper. When my mom was a kid (back in Ye Olde 1960s), this would have seemed like an inordinate amount of news--for her, it was half an hour at 6pm and ten minutes at 10pm and then the station (there was only one station that did the news) played the National Anthem and went off the air until 6am, at which time you might get like . . . the weather and a traffic report.

For anything else, you read the newspaper.

Now with only half an hour to present a whole lot of news, what are you going to do? You are going to stick to the facts. You don’t have a choice. You have a very short time to fit a whole lot of information. “Notre Dame cathedral caught on fire today. French firefighters are working to get the flames under control, and authorities in charge of the cathedral are doing their best to remove relics, paintings, and other holy objects while it’s still possible. French President Mr. Somebody addressed the nation and stated every attempt to save the building, and to rebuild the damage, will be made. In local news . . . “ And that’s it! If you want more information, you’ve got to wait for the newspaper in the morning, and you’re going to have to get a copy of the New York Times or USA Today, because the local paper will only have a blurb, and that blurb will mostly cover what you just heard!

But then the news changed.

By the time I was a teenager, the non-cable news looked like this: All three channels had a morning show that started at 5 or 6 am (depending on your station) and ran until 8 or 9 (depending on your station). The station that ended at 8am then had a half-hour morning news show. The mid-day news at 11 or 12 was still an hour. Channel 35 did a half-hour news segment at 5 and another at 5:30, back to back. The other two stations simply did an hourlong segment. And then one station did half an hour at 10:30, and the other two did hourlong segments at 10pm.

What do you do with that much time? Well, you expand. Yes, you can fit more news, but you can also fit more about the news. “Notre Dame cathedral in Paris went up in flames today. The fire began in the famous historic bell tower, and spread to the roof. At this time, portions of the roof appear to have caved in, and there are concerns about the integrity of the medieval stonework in the cathedral walls. French firefighters have been working since 8am Paris time to get the flames under control, and authorities in charge of the cathedral are doing their best to remove relics, paintings, and other holy objects while it’s still possible. Some firefighters are also helping with this project, as portions of the building have become too unsafe to enter. French President Mr. Somebody addressed the nation late this evening and stated every attempt to save the building, and to rebuild the damage, will be made. Of the cathedral itself, Somebody said, ‘Our Lady has weathered worse troubles than this. Paris as a city, and France as a nation, will overcome.’ In local news . . . ”

Still facts, but a few more facts. At this point the internet as a public thing is just past its infancy, and in theory you could go look up some stuff on, like, AOL, maybe, about what was happening.

(Nina, you were talking about antis . . . ?)

(Yes, I was. Bear with me.)

But at this point you also saw the rise of Fox News and CNN.

Now up to this point, I could trust the news. That is important to know. “Nina, American news is full of propaganda--” Listen, you’re not wrong, but the point is, if Scott Brennan told me Notre Dame cathedral was on fire and priests were trying to remove the holy relics, I could safely assume Notre Dame cathedral was on fire and priests were trying to remove the holy relics. If Channel 24 told me “the blizzard of the century” had occurred the night before, I could look out the window of my snowed-in house and go “yeah, that seems legit.”

I grew up, in other words, in a world in which facts were facts. We didn’t waffle or wring our hands over whether or not Notre Dame was on fire. And this allowed me to take a similar approach to fiction: it is a fact that murder is wrong, and knowing this, I can read a book in which someone commits murder for very good reasons, but still know they did something wrong.

But now you have 24 hours of news to fill.

No matter how you pad it, no matter how many voice clips you play or retrospectives you do, you cannot find enough news in the world to fill 24 hours, seven days a week, 365 days a year. You just can’t.

So they started adding “opinion pieces.”

Notre Dame is on fire--is it worth saving? Notre Dame is on fire--but is it as big a catastrophe as it’s made out to be? Notre Dame is on fire--but France has been steadily calling themselves a secular nation, so is this the punishment of G-d? Notre Dame is on fire--

--wait, what was that?

Yep. You saw it, I saw it, we all saw it. But as the “opinion pieces” slowly took over the regular news and stopped being called “opinion pieces” and started being called “programs,” it became less and less clear what was and wasn’t fact.

Now obviously Notre Dame is on fire. But now we have to ask ourselves: is it worth it to save it or not? Is the financial cost outweighed by the history? Will those answers change depending on how bad the damage becomes? And you, lonely elderly person in your chair whose predominant socialization these days is at church, how does this make you feel about French people? These are questions that once would have been asked of the church caretakers and the French government. Now every single person is being asked to think about them, without being provided all of the context that is available to the church caretakers and the French government. And along the way, you get these nice, nasty little bits of prejudice and slanted thinking and bias sneaked in.

I told you I’d come back to antis. And here we are.

The vast majority of antis are very young. They grew up in a world where those “programs” were the norm. They were not provided with a cultural basis of “these are the facts.” They were provided a basis of “here is what I think about the facts.” They were provided a basis of, as Mr. Banks said in Mary Poppins, “kindly do not cloud the matter with facts.”

There are no facts! Who fucking cares! An anti who’s 15 years old today was eleven years old when we were introduced to “alternative facts”! Is it wrong for a 27-year-old man to pursue a relationship with a 13-year-old girl? Depends on which news channel, and which presenter, you ask!

They literally grew up in a world in which critical thinking was discouraged. Once upon a time, you would have seen on TV that Notre Dame was on fire, and at dinner--or whatever your family did for together time--you might say things like “going to be expensive to fix that, I wonder what they’ll do,” but you wouldn’t have been hit with six presenters telling you exactly why Notre Dame should/shouldn’t be rebuilt. And don’t forget--even if you, personally, do not watch the news (or read it on the internet, which is just as bad, because everybody’s after those elusive advertising clicks, everybody needs the “scoop” two seconds before it happens), you know people who do. You hear their opinions and their hot takes and their retellings all around you. And those  opinions and hot takes and retellings will be colored by which “program” that person saw first.

Watch the first thirty seconds of this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dn2RjahTi3M

Walter Cronkite, a legendary news anchor, giving his opinion on Vietnam. You will notice that he states, very clearly: “it seems very clear to this reporter.” This is Cronkite’s opinion, nothing more, and he makes it clear that he is speaking only for himself.

Now skip to approximately 1:05, and watch him report the Kennedy assassination. You can see he’s emotional, but also keeping it under wraps as best he can because he has An Important Job To Do, and that job is twofold: to deliver the news accurately and concisely, and to keep the American public calm (you can see this when he hurriedly says Johnson is probably taking the oath to become President; a missing VP would be a crisis at this moment). This is a man who’s just found out the most beloved president in modern times is dead. And not just dead--murdered. It’s not like Kennedy had a heart attack, his damn head was blown off. This news is still coming in so quickly that you can see him glancing off the screen to get fresh reports. He’s one of the first to receive this absolute blow--and he’s still holding it together, barely wavering. (When I was a kid, this role would go to Dan Rather. He was no Cronkite, but he tried.)

Where is that kind of rock for today’s teens? Imagine--heaven forbid, in the state our country’s in right now--that tomorrow we get the news Biden was shot.

How would we get that message?

Would it be delivered by an even-keeled, just-the-facts reporter like Cronkite? Or would we get it from a bunch of half-hysterical articles and crisismongering “programs”? And would it be delivered to us straight, like Cronkite did, or would it be buried in three days’ worth of opinions on his “legacy” and policies and What This Means For America?

Now: how are you supposed to build any kind of strong convictions and moral compass on a world like that? Where anything can be true if enough people have an “opinion” on it? Where the facts get immediately buried in a wave of bullshit?

Antis are reacting to a world of “opinions” and “programs” being thrown at them 24/7 by trying to create a world they can control, where there are in fact things that are true, in a world that has actively refused them the opportunity to learn how to parse and process facts. And so what they’ve come up with is this grossly distorted version of facts, because gross distortions of facts are all they know. It’s all they’ve ever seen. They’re perpetuating a system they don’t even realize they’re part of, because they never experienced life before it existed.

They’re not lying when they say they were heavily influenced by fiction because the bounds between fact and fiction have been actively erased. On purpose. And it’s difficult to grok that, if you grew up in a world where you didn’t have to go seek out photographic evidence to be absolutely certain that Notre Dame was, indeed, on fire.

So what we need to be doing, first and foremost, is rebuilding that wall of facts, that line of truth. Otherwise, what we’re going to see is more of this, but getting worse daily.

We set them up for this, and now we’re paying the price for it.

[apompkwrites]

so um… i’m a big fan of your reader impact series! i’m neurodivergent, and i talk like razor does alot unintentionally. (people think it’s intentional, it’s something i have complete lack of control over..) how would a potentially neurodivergent streamer!razor react to reader that’s like him?

sorry if you don’t write for razor, he’s just my comfort character, and i thought i’d give it a shot-

thanks for all your hard work, i hope you’re doing well!

reader impact || first meeting: razor

series masterlist characters: razor genre: fluff contains: possibly neurodivergent razor?? but modern wolf boy :D and some mean chatters :( nothing actually written, though! just kinda mentions of chat being mean summary: a game has been released entitled genshin impact, consisting of otherworldly abilities relying on the basic elements of nature. the game follows the story of an interdimensional traveling twin in search of their other half. along this journey, they meet different characters that live in this world. including you. notes: i'm not neurodivergent myself!! i won't specifically state if he's neurodivergent here but you're free to believe he is or isn't! also totally not projecting with the bells on ears idk what you're talking about

razor -

razor... his fanbase is something to say the least.

they're either very supportive, which he appreciates a lot.

or they're... strange.

there's some who think he fakes how he talks.

there's others who call him dumb because of how he talks. but does he care?

eh, not really.

he doesn't let it affect him too much.

he's actually really glad most of his community drowns out the bad parts of it :)

some more little facts about him

he has wolf ears on his headphones!!!

he has a bunch of them and one of his favorite pairs has bells on them :))

(cue shaking and bells ringing)

anyway, onto him as a streamer!

he's tried to stick to a schedule.

it never really works.

he streams whenever he can and whatever he feels like streaming at the moment.

he likes showing off the little trinkets he buys over the course of the week.

as for games, he likes playing whatever catches his eye, honestly.

he has no set genre of game he plays.

as long as his brain likes it, he'll play!

he's very open to taking requests from his chat, too.

in fact, most of the games he's played on stream were recommended to him :D

genshin impact wasn't one of them, though.

he heard about it from his friends and saw the trailer for it before he decided to play it.

the bright colors and cool characters were what really attracted him.

it looked pretty :)

anyway! he isn't too attached to many characters.

there's like one or two he really likes though :D

and then his chat (or at least the people enjoying the game with him) started freaking out?

and he's very confused.

so he's walking to wolvendom, right?

and the slimes start just... jumping at him.

he's decent at the combat system.

don't ask him for advice he doesn't know what he's doing either.

half of the time he's just mashing buttons.

but he gets the job done anyway!

so his player just charges at a bunch of slimes, okay?

and he's ready to fight and hit buttons!

but he just kinda... sits back when a flurry of (element) rushes past his screen.

"do not worry. wolves friends. but, you are...?"

"CHAT!"

razor is very loud at that moment.

he'll apologize to them later, he promises!

but! but!

he can't really get the words out but he knows what he wants to say!

you sound just like him when he's caught in one of his... moments? is

that what he'd call it?

regardless, he feels really happy!

like really, really happy!

and soft and giddy and--

oh he's shaking.

his chat is asking if he's okay, too.

"ah! razor okay! razor okay!"

he's trying to reassure them but he's too excited!

he'll spend the whole time during your story quest just gushing over you and how you talk :D

and throughout the whole quest, he's talking just like you.

he doesn't care that some of his chat is worried.

he doesn't care that some of his chat is also insulting him.

he sees and hears you in-game and just melts on the spot.

as soon as your quest is done, he'll roll for you.

he's seen you on the current banner so he's really excited to get you!

he doesn't even care if he gets the limited 5-star character.

but he does care that you appear on his screen and permanently join his team!

the next time he goes live, he's bought a plushie of you :)

"my new comfort plush! (name)! "

[arcadejohn127-9]

Hello!1st I wanted to say i love your blog its *chefs kiss*,and 2nd could I request (i dont know if this is in someway triggering or not so i apologize) a MC who doesnt believe the brothers can love them 'cause they despise themself and they are so set on (?) with that mindset that the brothers cant convince them otherwise,but MC themself wants to feel loved they...just cant...and they just breakdown saying they arent special and when the brothers meet other humans they will realise that MC is nothing,that they are a horrible being and they will leave them for somebody better,does that make sense I dont wanna go too deep into it(totaaaaally not self projecting)I am so sorry if this is a sensitive topic,feel free to ignore this ask,this has been eating me out for weeks so I just wanted to seek some comfort.Once again your blog is great and dont overwork yourself, take care! :D 🤍

I've definitely been there and even now, I still have these fears. Growing out of these Insecurities and feelings are hard even if you work hard to be as confident as you can. One day it'll happen but until then you just gotta keep reminding yourself that you're worth the world

Also tip, please don't rely on others for self worth - people can be cruel or simply just unpredictable. Not all but until you see every colour of a person you don't know. If you depend on someone else to give you worth and make you feel good then that'll start a very unhealthy cycle for yourself

I hate this phase "love yourself before you love others" because you don't need to, you can find healthy and happy relationships whilst insecure. But I think what it really means is; get self worth before you love another. Make sure you don't do yourself damage by giving you Someone who does the bare minimum or will sometimes make you feel good but is usually a dick.

You can find love but that love can be wrong if you don't pay attention to the red flags. Don't let your insecurities drag you into unhealthy relationships.

Because you are stunning, worth it and loveable. You're Someone people can look up to or admire even if it's for something simple like your humour.

Also thank you, I'll be sure to not overwork myself, make sure you don't pressure yourself too hard about work or your hobbies. Hobbies are all about fun!

Warning: self loathing, depressive themes, angst

You could stand it.

Your eyes traveled along the gifts and trinkets that were in your room. Each one gifted to you by a powerful demon; a demon you live with.

You couldn't stand it.

You could get it; why would someone like that every like you? You weren't special and yet Everyone insisted that you were. You're not the key. Not anything Diavolo wants or expects. Definitely not what the brothers want.

You had to scoff. The brothers only like you because of Lilith, if you were related then they'd never see you as anything but some human. Lilith dragged you here, she made sure you came here and for what? To be always told you're going to be some big thing; someone to destroy hatred and help bring together three realms.

Do they not realize how much pressure that is??!!!! And the how are you even going to do that?! You're magic is unpredictable and useless - it perfectly reflects you.

You whimpered at your own thoughts. The word useless stinging at your heart; it was almost if a knife lodged itself into your chest. Constantly stabbing the word useless into it.

You were useless. They need to find someone who can actually live up to their expectations. Just a good for nothing human....why do they even like you?

You looked back at the gifts, your watery stare turning into a hateful glare.

The question was burning inside your head. You couldn't understand; what did he see in you? You're not special! You're not anything anyone wants you to be and you're just being forced on a pedestal you didn't make!

Why did he always look at you the way he does? Like you actually mean something. Why does he smile so softly when you enter the room?

Why would he be like that when you KNOW that as soon as he meets another human, he'll be running after them without hesitation. Everyone was so much more attractive than you and better than you - you couldn't get why he loved you. Why- no how?! You weren't good enough for him!

No matter how many times he says I love you or compliments you it leaves such a bitter disgusting taste in your mouth. You're so horrible you can't even let people be nice to you - it's all a lie anyway. No one could love you. Never. No one!

You were useless! Disgusting! You weren't even attractive! You weren't loveable! You're a horrible person who looks just as horrible as they are. How can they look at you like that?! How can they stand you?! You're nothing!

You don't get it!

Why?! Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why-!

A scream ripped itself out of your throat. Tears streaming down your face as you clutched your head. Your body curled into itself, shaking and trembling as you choked on your sobs. You coughed through it as you tried to breath but the tears kept coming. Drowning you as you desperately tried to breath under their weight.

The pain was unbelievable. You felt like your head was on fire. You could barely even make out the figure standing at your door. Whoever they were, they scooped you up from the floor and rubbed circles into your arms. You clutched to them for dear life as you cried.

Somewhere in your brain you could tell who it was and it only made you cry harder. Shame filling your lungs as you tried to escape their caring embrace.

"No-! Stop it! I'm nothing! I'm useless-! Let me go-!! Why- why won't you leave me alone?! I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! LET ME DIE-!"

were you dying? You felt like it. The ache was painful; your chest growing tighter and tighter. You pounded on their chest, demanding they let you be the useless thing that you are alone.

Lucifer:

He forced back his tears

Just rubbing circles into your skin as he held you

To think you were this Insecure despite being the nicest person who knew

You were Better than him and don't let pride stop you - you were amazing

"not good enough for me? What made you believe that...? You're perfect for me, you complete me."

You denied his claims, sobbing as you listed your insecurities

"Your insecurities don't define you, you're so much more than that - I wouldn't of picked you to be my love if I didn't think you'd be adequate."

He wasn't sure if you were still listening but he pushed past his doubts

Adjusting you in his embrace

"I- I'm not sure if I'm comforting you....I'm not good at being the gentle hand, I want you to see how I see you - you're kind, charming and always keeping me in awe, you mean so much to me, I'll trade anything I could just to see you smile - I love you."

Mammon:

There can only be one self loathing idioit in this relationship

He refuses to let you feel like how he has

His forced confidence - you could easily see through it - anyone could

But you were the only one who then actually helped him feel better when you did see through it

He let a few tears stray, holding you close

"did someone say something to you? I don't forgive 'em for ever making ya this upset, I'm not letting you feel like this."

You shook your head, muttering that he should let you

"why should I? You're my favourite person and you've only made me happy - so let me make you happy! You're the only person who's ever treated me the way ya treat me and I won't let you hate yourself!"

He hugged you even tighter, squeezing you as he hid his face in your shoulder

"you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, okay? You always know how to make me feel better and it's my turn to make you feel better but you gotta listen to me! I lo-love you! The great Mammon loves you so badly that he just wants to kiss you every day! You're amazing and I won't forgive ya if you let yourself keep going on like this, let me support you.... please...I don't want you to go."

Levithan:

He couldn't get it

He's always been jealous of your personality and ability to make others feel good

His envy makes him despise himself - so seeing you be the same, he couldn't take it

He gave you one big squeeze

"d-don't be stupid! You're the best thing that's come into my life - even better than ruri-chan!"

You didn't believe him, he was obessed with that character

"but it's true-! If I could I'd get loads of merchandise of you too because you're my favourite person! You're just like the protagonists I read about."

His face was beat red but he was determined to make you feel better

"You're Henry, you are brave and kind, always trying your best even if that best isn't up to your own or others standards, you Inspire me! I've thought about of making a series about you...so others can feel just as happy as I do when I see you, you make me feel less insecure and like I actually mean something - why can I do to make you feel the same? You mean everything to me! I really like you....I like-like you-! I LOVE YOU AND I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY! Let me make you feel how you make me feel because then you'll see just how amazing you are!"

Satan:

Did someone makes you feel like this or was it just your own thoughts?

If it isn't the latter he'll need to find out who's hurt you

But right now, he hugged you tighter and cradled your head

He couldn't stand to see and hear you so destressed

"did I do something to make you feel like this? I'm so sorry if I did, I don't always realize when I come off rude or hateful- I could never hate you."

You held him tight, telling him to stop

"but I need to fix it if I've hurt you and if it wasn't me then whoever did needs to keep quiet, you don't deserve these feelings."

You huffed, trying to not cry more

He gave your Shoulder a small squeeze

"you're more than enough for me, you're so good to me - sometimes I wonder if I'm good enough for you, you're always so patient with me and don't make me feel like I'm some unthinking beast, you don't think I'm lying when I be genuine and that makes me love you - I do love you - you make me feel good and I want to do the same for you, you're beyond good and I'll always be happy with the person you are and can become because I know you can do so much and always bring positivity even in the darkest times."

Asmodeus:

He's crying too

He hated of being seen as insecure

He only wanted confidence

Seeing you sob and beat on yourself like this only reminded him of his most private moments

He held you even closer, rocking you gently

"No, dear, I love you too much to let you feel like this, you're amazing to me and I think you're better than even myself, you're my number 1."

You shook your head, telling him he's lying

"I'm not, why would I lie? You're the sweetest person I know, you don't see me as some sex object - you make me feel real and happy - so so happy."

He kissed the top of your head, hiding his tear streaked face

"I want you to be happy....you deserve it, you've got only so long to live and I'm so scared that you're going to hate yourself even until you die, I don't want that! You're beautiful amazing and I could never ask for anyone better! Please- just let's work on our confidence together...okay? You're so wonderful, don't let yourself become so hateful."

Beezlebub:

He's absolutely broken

How didn't he realize you felt this bad about yourself??

He didn't even realize he was crying aswell, just holding you close as his mind screamed at him

"did something make you feel like this? It hurts to hear you say these things."

You shook your head before nodding, muttering you just won't talk anymore

"I didn't mean that, I always want you to be open with me and if not me, atleast one of my brother's."

He picked you up, placing you in a more comfortable position and held you close to his chest

"I love you, it took me awhile to realize that but I do, you make me feel full and happy - like I just ate a big buffet of warm cakes and dishes, I'm always warm when I'm with you, I don't believe you're not good enough - you're kind to me and never judge me for eating, you help me with working out but most importantly, you fixed my family and brought my twin back, I don't know how to make you see how much that means to me and I don't want you to feel bad about yourself when you're always the best person in the room - you're really great."

Belphegor:

"just let me die"

Those words hurt him so bad

He was like that, he demanded to be left to Rot with his own self loathing when Lilith died

He pulled you close to his chest as he grabbed your shoulder

"You're not allowed to feel like this, you've done nothing to feel this much hatred towards yourself."

You told him he was wrong, crying harder

"when am I wrong? I- okay, I can be wrong but I'm not wrong about you, you're my favourite person which means I love you and I don't let my favourite people sit and cry."

He cuddled you, nuzzling his cheek against yours

"You saved me and I will never able to make it up to you, I've hurt you and I hate it- I hate that I'm a reason you get scared, don't ever let yourself rot away, when my brother's just leave me to sleep I always feel so much dread - that I'm being left to die in my bed and will never get to see their faces again - I'll never be able to see your face again....I wouldn't be able to take it.....seeing you everyday makes me want to leave my bed and always make sure you smile, let me make you smile again."

[canonicallysoulmates]

J2′s Virtual Con Panel (March 7th, 2021)

Alright, let’s talk j2! As all of you probably know by now Jared and Jensen had a virtual con panel today (March 7th, 2021); it was the first j2 con panel of the year, and we started on a good note. I will be providing some time stamps, and as always I will be providing a link to the whole panel at the end of this post so y’all can watch it for yourself, I highly recommend doing so, it was a really good panel. 

Okay, let’s jump right into it!

- The panel started late, and the reason I am mentioning that is because I have to comment on how stressful that wait was with the grey screen saying ‘standby!’. I much rather preferred the countdown, it was less stressful 😅 

- Anyways, the panel starts off with some cute banter between the boys, they spend around 6mins just talking to each other, joking about Jensen’s hair, telling stories about each other. Honestly, answering questions was unnecessary because I would have happily seen a full hour of that, of just them talking. 

- Jensen said he missed Jared 🥺

- So...Jared addressed Jensen’s birthday and okay let’s talk about this. After Jensen says he missed Jared and that it’s been so long since they’ve seen each other, Jared fumbles on his way to comment about how he was gonna post for Jensen’s birthday. You can practically see his brain buffer cause I s2g that man was this close to saying he was with Jensen before his brain kicked in, and then he switched lanes to mention taking a trip with G for their anniversary. 

Of course I have an opinion about this, I don’t know if I’ll be able to express it coherently, but I shall try; it is so incredibly convenient he’d mention what has been a big talking point in fandom for the past couple of days. This is such a stupid thing to lie about, and it’s a lie that falls apart in seconds cause if you think about it shit don’t make sense. 

We know that Jared and G were on a trip, but we also know they were in Colorado. Thanks to D’s hairstylist, we know Jensen’s also in Colorado. 

So, I’m expected to believe that these two men who are incredibly close, who in this same panel mention how much they’ve missed each other, that Jared who says he didn’t post on his boy’s birthday (and yes he called Jensen his boy again 🥰) because he got all emotional thinking about how this was gonna be the first birthday in years he wasn’t gonna be by Jensen’s side and be able to give him a hug- I am expected to believe that Jared was in the same state and didn’t even make a pitstop by where Jensen’s at?! That they’d be in the same state and not even meet up?!  Not only that, Jared and G’s anniversary was on the 27th which fell on a Saturday, based on reports we know they took that trip from the 28th to the 1st, if this was an anniversary trip why not make it a weekend thing from Friday to Sunday? Why do it from Sunday to Monday which was a workday? And I’m also expected to believe that they went on an “anniversary trip” and little mrs. social media preferred to post an old ass pic and not post anything at all from said trip, even posting a pic as if she were in Austin on the 1st.  Bitch please, I love you but go to someone else with that tale cause I ain’t buying. 

- Continuing with the panel, the boys start answering questions and I’mma just tell y’all right now a lot of the questions in this panel are kinda shit. This is the first panel of the year, both these men have big projects going on and yet the first question is about parenting. Their answer is pretty much the same thing they always answer, that they can’t do it alone, that most of it is their wives, Jared says he helps with the kids in the morning and then goes to the guest house and leaves Gen to it, if you’ve heard once you’ve heard it a million times. 

- Next question is about dreams, and Jensen makes a joke about mushroom induced dreams that Jared finds so hilarious he has to duck out of frame. I don’t know if y’all have ever seen The Late Show with Stephen Colbert but Stephen’s wife is usually there when he’s filming and that woman laughs at even his stupidest jokes, if you see them interact they are that couple that is so obviously in love years into their marriage, they make each other laugh, and the reason why I am bringing this up in a j2 post is because that is the vibe that moment had! Actually, that’s the vibe a lot of this panel had; that mushroom joke was not that funny yet Jared reacted as if Jensen was the funniest man in the world.  And the j2 doesn’t stop there because when it’s Jared’s time to answer the question the boys say they’re in each other’s dreams. x 

- Jared said he sits in the Impala in his garage 🥺 Jensen said his Impala is safe and covered in a secure location in Austin, which I’m going to interpret as he left it with Jared.

- A fan asked if we would see director!Jensen make an appearance on Walker and Jared revealed he was supposed to! Jensen was slated to direct episode 5 of Walker but due to commitments to The Boys he sadly wasn’t able to but both boys say that it will happen and it’s something they’re looking forward to. So are we boys, so are we ❤

- When talking about how Jensen was supposed to direct episode 5 of Walker, Jensen commented that Jared was looking forward to having someone who knew him so well and could help him creatively on the set. Now, I will for no particular reason remind y’all that G works on the show. 

I love Jensen ☕ 

-  Moving on! Jensen talked about his production company. He said it is currently developing 5 different projects including one that they will be delivering to the network this week and that they have a project he’s excited about with an spn alumn. He said working on these projects and his company is what he’s been spending his time on in Colorado.

- Jensen put on a beanie and y’all are not ready for what happened. Not only did he look cute af, not only did Jared like how Jensen looked and compliment him but he called Jensen babe 😍 Now listen you don’t have to take my word for it, listen to the audio a couple times, form your own opinion about what you hear but I have listened to multiple versions of that clip with headphones multiples times at different volumes...and imo Jared calls Jensen babe, you can try to take that from me over my dead body. x  

- They were talking about a fight outtake they did on the finale in slow motion, and did an example and when I tell y’all those two somehow managed to do an in perfectly in sync slowmo fight virtually! 

- They showed their matching tattoos! 

- Jensen sends Jared shirtless selfies and gives him beard updates. I swear I am not making this up. 

- And in the line of things I swear I am not making up is that Jared grabbed the pic Jensen send him, and edited it to make it seem as if Jensen was singing the clean version of WAP, that is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen 😂

- Jensen said him and Jared like to watch the early season gag reels 🤗

- At one point Jensen tried to tell one of Jared’s jokes and not even three words in this man was already in tears laughing so hard, he says it’s something that makes him laugh every time he thinks about it, he could barely get through the joke and to be fair it is hilarious; the joke goes: Did you hear there was an explosion at a cheese factory in France? The brie was everywhere. That cracked me tf up and it left them in tears 😂

- Jensen called Jared a freaking ox 😂

- Jensen says that if the roles were reversed and Sam had died, Dean would have wasted away at the back of a pool hall 😭

- The panel ends with j2 saying I love you to each other 😭❤

It was a really good panel, I had missed these men so so so so much, they have brightened my spirits and I’ve been in a good mood since I watched it, they just make me so happy 🥰. If you haven’t seen it yet I highly recommend doing so, the boys were looking cute, it was funny, they kept making each other laugh and there was even heart eyes! Jared kept getting the cutest little smile when Jensen was speaking, it was adorable! 

J2 Virtual Panel 

[sadwizardgirl]

My Campaign 2 Thoughts

Alrighty folks. We're here. We made it. I’m running on like, 3 hours of sleep and my coffee hasn't kicked in yet so bear with me if I ramble/don't make sense. I’ll take things by character I think? 

Once I finally typed everything I wanted out, I decided to put a keep reading thing. Its a long one I’m so sorry haha. But yeah, click on it if you want to hear someone’s tired ramblings about how much they love the Mighty Nein. Obviously spoilers below... <3

One last thing - I want to say thank you to everyone who I have interacted on here with. I would have never, ever thought that I would live blog Critical Role when I started watching it. And because I have, it makes me happy that I’ve found lots of nice Critters like me to follow, like, reblog, laugh and cry with all at the same time. You guys are really cool, so thanks for letting me be a small part of it all <3 

Molly/Kingsley - 

I’m honestly not fully shocked that we didn’t get Molly back after all that. I think Tal has said that Molly is gone and will stay gone. Maybe this is how Molly was when he first woke up, but we obviously didn’t see that part, and neither did Yasha. So honestly, the only people to know would be the people down at the circus. I’m personally okay with the differences in Kingsley and Molly but I like that Kingsley wanted to call Molly his brother at least and learn about him later on. Remember when Molly said he didn't want to learn who his previous self/selves were? The pirate life for Kingsley is --- interesting haha. I’m not hating it, I can definitely see a Jack Sparrow kind of vibe. I just didn't think Tal would go for a pirate type life for him. Thats all :) 

Cad - 

I’m also not surprised at what Cad chose either. It was interesting to see his whole EMPATHY routine with Trent. Thats been a side of Cad no one has seen. I know I’ve seen some people say that they were sad that after all this adventuring, that Cad would just chose to live at the Blooming Grove and never leave again. But didn't Tal say that Cad would take walks out of there and explore for segments of time? Like 6 months, then a year, then a couple years. I could have sworn he said that and that he would go visit his friends in those spans too. But I could have totally imagined it/took it that way. 

Veth- 

This totally makes sense. I was sad to see her go before the whole Trent thing, I would have loved to see her stand by Calebs side during it but I get it, She missed her family and they would see each other again anyway. I 100% would love if the M9 had a summer camp. Like, I’m just saying. That needs to be a one shot. I don't have much else to say other than I’m glad that this is the ending for Veth and nothing else. 

Yasha- 

Again, I’m super happy with this one. It makes sense that she would want to go see her wife and the whole Stormlord thing???? Fucking awesome. I’m glad that Yasha has finally found peace and love with someone and is content. Thats all I want for Yasha. I’m glad that Kingsley seeks her out to find out about Molly too. 

Beau - 

WOW. Okay. So not only does she help take down Trent but also her dad stuff? Fucking great! I’m so glad that Beau has gotten to this point in her life. Not only has she brought down corrupt people, but also learned to love throughout everything she's been through. I’m sorry, I with my tired brain can think of more good things but I’m just super happy about this. 

Fjord -

For some reason, Fjord’s ending made me cry. I don't know if its because its been awhile since we’ve gotten true Fjord lore stuff where Travis absolutely NAILS the roleplaying or what. But literally as soon as he raised his hand to say hi to Vandran, I started crying. He’s been looking for answers for so long and he finally got them. I think its very on brand that he just sailed out willy nilly knowing what happens but at least Matt was merciful haha. I think That plus his love for Jester and suggesting they find a place was so very sweet and totally them. I’m sort of glad that he left his ending so vague. Because imagine the sea one shots we can have with Fjord going to Darktow or finding Sabien once and for all etc. 

Jester - 

I’m --- I’m torn with Jester. I’m glad that Jester wants to travel more and see the world still and thats what she's doing with Fjord. I think I’m more of torn just because I’m so used to Jester being SO over the top with everything she does (in a good way) but then I guess that means she's maturing and growing up. I’m glad that she left her ending vague as well for the same reasons as Fjord. SIDENOTE: It’ll be interesting to see if any of this leads into the VM vs M9 show off and if there's going to be canon involved or what. 

Caleb - 

I left Caleb for last. Not only because he's been my favorite character all campaign long. But because most of the buzz is coming from his ending. I’ll preface this first --- I’ve never been an outright Essek/Caleb shipper. I’ve loved their moments together and am not against them in any shape or form. I’m just not one of the die hards shippers. Same with Caleb/Astrid/Wulf. 

BUT - With that being said, I’m very happy with Calebs ending. I’ve seen some people that are mad that he didn't do what he set out to do - which was take down the corruption. But Liam said that he sees that aspect of his life as a life long endeavor. So just because he takes up the teaching gig - which I’m so happy with btw; more on that in a bit- doesn't mean he stopped. You can root out the corruption from within and I think Caleb started to realize that was going to be the best way. I’m glad he didn't take the place of Trent. I think things could have gone horribly wrong even if he was at the top. Am I thrilled that Astrid is there? Not particularly no but its better than Trent. Caleb being a teacher makes so much sense. At the beginning of the campaign, Nott was always telling people that Caleb was the one teaching her the magic she had, plus the trading notes with Yussa and Essek over the years. It all leads to him teaching. Finally being the teacher --- the right teacher for the future generations of wizards. He was never going to accomplish that in Trents place. 

Now --- the elephant in the room, Essek. I’m 100% okay with this part of Caleb’s story. I’m glad that he did go back to Aeor and learn what he could. I think its what Essek said. That he wouldn't change his past because it led him to that moment with Caleb, but then still offered to help Caleb if thats what he wanted to do for himself. I’m happy that Caleb finally let go of the part of his past that kept his guilt so present. He’ll always remember his parents and what he did, but he's allowing himself to walk through that door and to start finally healing. Let me tell you how much I ugly cried when we finally heard what his plan had been all these years AND what that second book was that he never told us about. Liam O’Brien you poetic son of a bitch I love you so much. But damn did I ugly cry literally during that whole time. Okay sorry, now Essek. I think them realizing the age differences, being in the relationship for however long they were but then remained friends is so very much like both of them. They are both logical people. To me this makes so much sense. I think I’m in the minority here but it does. Essek will outlive the rest of the M9 so of course they realized eventually there was going to be this elephant in the room when Caleb grew old. I’d like to think Caleb wouldn't want the extra heartbreak on Essek when Caleb eventually dies, then the rest of Essek’s friends die on top of that. Liam said that this campaign, romance in any shape or form was not a priority and I think also that had a part to do with it. I’m glad Caleb just didn’t be alone for the rest of his life and only teaching. I’m glad he reached out to Essek and did that stuff, and then taught Luc. It’s far from the sad wizard boy who was ready to leave the M9 at a moments notice to be alone. 

Sorry for the rambling and VERY LONG post. oh my god I’m so sorry but it just kept coming. haha I’m very sad to see the Mighty Nein go. This campaign was the reason I got into D&D and where I fell in love with it. I fell in love with these nerdy ass voice actors and their characters. BUT it makes me excited for campaign 3 and the future of Critical Role. 

SIDENOTE: WHAT THOUGHTS DO YOU GUYS HAVE ON THE PROJECT THEYRE GOING TO ANNOUNCE NEXT WEEK HUH? I’m glad they mentioned that they aren't ready for Campaign 3 just yet, but Marisha made it at least seem that its on the horizon. I’m sure they want to take the break they deserve and have time to transition from their M9 characters to their new ones. so yeah anyway 

Thank you, Mighty Nein. Long may you all reign. 

[absolutepx]

So I've been playing Death Stranding lately. Wait, that's not what this post is about. Well, it kind of is. Hang on. What is Death Stranding about?

A: Norman Reedus getting bare ass naked B. Sneaking around ghosts with the help of your sidekick, an actual baby C: Carrying 50 Amazon packages up a hill while trying to not topple over D: Waking up in the morning and drinking 5 Monster Energy™ for breakfast

For those following along at home, the answer is actually none of the above. Despite the set dressing being bizarre to the point of near absurdity, what the game is actually about, like thematically, is actually really simple.

See, the development of Death Stranding was actually quite a trip. Hideo Kojima is the video game world's equivalent of an auteur director. He has a very recognizable personal style. It's thoroughly horny – he caught a bunch of shit for the design of Quiet in MGSV, but like, a lot of Kojima characters are just -like that-, including the dudes. Also, this is going to possibly be important later.

Anyway, so Kojima was going to do a rebootmakequel of Silent Hill, and the demo actually made it to the PS store and I could actually write a whole side essay about why P.T. (it was called P.T. for some reason btw) was brilliant game design for how it used the same hallway over and over and it was somehow beneficial to the overall feeling of horror. So Konami it turns out kinda sucks nowadays and they like, fired Kojima (they were huge dicks about it behind closed doors, too) and scrapped the project and kicked him out on the street and kept the Metal Gear series which was his baby (literally the baby in the sink in P.T., he snuck a bunch of messaging about the Konami situation into the demo like a breakup album) and Kojima would go on to form his own studio and poach some of the people who worked with him to boot. So the thing about Kojima is this: he's got a reputation for already putting some wild shit in his games, like a ladder that takes like 10 real time minutes to climb in MGS3 for dramatic effect, and a boss in MGS3 that summons the ghosts of all the people you were too lazy to stealth past and killed, or a sniper battle with a really old guy that he wanted to have last two weeks or some shit until he died of old age but he was "told that "this was impossible and not recommended." That is a real quote I just looked up. So he's coming off the heels of making this hugely successful game with MGSV and the hype of the P.T. Demo and he fucking, he like took all the people that were going to be working on P.T. Along like Guillermo Del Toro was going to co-write it and Norman Reedus was going to star in it, and he's like, I'm going to make this game called Death Stranding. And the first trailer comes out for it and it's completely nuts. Norman Reedus wakes up naked on a beach crying with a baby and there are floating people in the sky? So we're all like hooooooly shit, there's no one to tell him "this is impossible and not recommended" anymore. What's he going to make now!?

So the whole time the game is in development I keep seeing these tweets where it'll be like, Kojima and one of his homies smiling with some saccharine message about being spiritual warriors and changing the world. And not just Del Toro and Reedus, there was Mads Mikkelsen (another guy Kojima puts in the game just because he apparently loves him), and the band Chvches, and also like, Keanu Reeves at one point? You know how everyone has just kind of accepted that Keanu is a being of light? Here he was endorsing Kojima. The hype was pretty confused and frantic.

The game eventually comes out. A lot of game journos hate it because I think there was this expectation it was going to be, you know, less weird and have more of the conventional structure of a video game. That's not to say the average gamer wasn't also dismissive of it, but I think on the ground level there was more of an understanding that like, yeah, Kojima just be like that sometimes.

Because the game was a timed console exclusive and your homie don't play like that, I spent the first year or so cautiously viewing Death Stranding from a distance. I wasn't sure I was going to like it – except for being really impressed with P.T., I wasn't actually a big fan of Kojima's games as games – but I -was- sure that I was going to buy it, because of the way Konami fucked him over, just out of support. And the shit I was hearing was really out there. The primary mode of gameplay is just delivery packages. You collect Norman Reedus' bathwater and pee and use it as grenades. You get a motorcycle that looks like the one from AMC's The Ride with Norman Reedus, and when you sit on it, his character in the game says "Wow, this thing is like the one from AMC's The Ride with Norman Reedus!"

But I didn't really want to know that much about it. Something has that much fucking crazy person energy, you want to go in mostly blind, right? So maybe people just weren't talking about this, or maybe I wasn't seeing it, but then I watched Girlfriend Reviews' video about it and they came right out and said it (link provided if you want to hear Shelby say it more articulately than me):

Death Stranding is basically about the exact opposite of Twitter. It's about remembering how to be kind to each other, how to reconnect in a world where people are so often hostile to each other by default. Prophetically, it's about a world where people are afraid to go outside or touch other people and how damaging that is. It's not a game about carrying packages, it's a game about helping people by being brave enough to walk through a wasteland carrying their burdens because they can't. It's about rebuilding the lost connections between people, about restoring roads and giving people hope. I bet, for Kojima and the people close to him, it's about how to answer hostility with compassion. You can't kill people in Death Stranding. You can and are absolutely encouraged to fucking throw hands with people sometimes, but all the tools and weapons are nonlethal. So I think Kojima took all the Twitter heat he got over the Quiet nontroversy, and all the feelings of isolation he had from Konami separating him from his team during the end of the development of MGSV, and all the support and encouragement he got from his bros Del Toro and Mads and the rest, and decided to channel that into making a game that was a statement about all of it. And sure, it's a little heavy handed, and sure, it's a little saccharine, and sure, the gameplay sometimes borders on miserable in service of creating emotional payoffs. For me, especially in 2020, this message is a huge success. Social media should be an opportunity for all of us to feel more connected to each other, yet primarily it feels like one of the main forces driving people apart. Why is that? Why is the internet of today such a hostile place? I'm old enough to remember web 1.0: I can haz cheezburger memes; YTMND; the early wild west days of Youtube... What happened to us? I've thrown the blame at Twitter in the past, and I think the architecture of the user experience on Twitter is absolutely a big piece of the puzzle, because it fosters negative interactions. But in terms of the behavior, people have observed that 2018 Twitter was actually almost exactly like 2014 Tumblr. (For the record, Tumblr is now one of the chillest places left on the internet, because so few fucks are left to give.)

I think part of it is the anonymity. The dehumanizing disconnection of the separation of screens and miles. Louis CK, before he was cancelled, had a great point about cyberbullying, and why it's so much more savage than kids are IRL. When you pick on someone in person and you are confronted with seeing the pain you caused them, for most sane people it causes negative feedback and you become disgusted with your actions and eventually learn to stop being a shithead. Online, at best you can "break the wrist, walk away".

At worst, you can become addicted to "clout chasing" and the psychological thrill of being cheered on by your social ingroup. It's even worse if you feel like it's not bullying and your actions are justified because whoever you've targeted is a bad person so you don't have to feel bad about what you do to them. This is where reductive, unhelpful catchphrases like "punch a nazi" come in. For every argument, one or both sides have convinced themselves that the other side is subhuman because their beliefs are so disgusting. And sometimes it's even true! A lot of times, especially these days, people really are acting like animals or worse online. Entire disinformation engines are roaring day and night, churning out garbage and cluttering the social consciousness. (Kojima talked about this bit, too, way back in MGS2. As if I wasn't already in danger of losing my thread through this.)

The human brain was not built to live like this. You can't wake up every morning, roll over and open your phone, and be immediately faced with a tidal wave of anger and indignity. It wasn't built to be aware of fully how horrible the world is at any moment ALL AT ONCE, ALL THE TIME. And you will be. Because of another way that our brain works – the way we are more likely to share negative opinions. And because of the cottage industry built on farming outrage clicks, and because of constant performative activism.

It's not that I don't agree that being informed is important.

It's not that I don't agree that the causes people get riled up about are important.

They are. They absolutely are.

But we can't keep living like this. The constant, unending flood of tragedy, arguments, and hot takes. How much of the negativity we associate with online culture is the product of this feedback loop? What if the rise of doomer culture has been, if not entirely created by, has been nourished and exacerbated by our hostile attitudes toward each other?  Incels and TERFs, white supremacists, radfems, tankies and Trumpers – it seems like on every side of every issue, there are people simultaneously getting it wrong in multiple directions at once and there are more being radicalized every day. They are the toxic waste left behind by the state of discourse. And any hill is a hill worth dying on.

So what am I actually advocating? I don't know. There are a lot of fights going on right now that are important and we can't just climb into bunkers and ignore our problems hoping that Norman Reedus and his fine ass are going to leave the shit we need on our doorsteps. We need to find the strength to carry those hypothetical packages for ourselves sometimes - and hopefully, for others as well. Humans are social creatures. We need interaction and enrichment.

We need love.

So just try to remember the connections between humanity. Try to put more good stuff into the world when you can. Share more shitposts and memes. Tell your friends and family that you love them. Share good news when you hear it. Go on a weird fucking tangent about Death Stranding. Find a way to "be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes."

[cancerbiophd]

Hey! I’m sure this is a question you get asked a lot but how did you decide that a PhD was for you? I’m about to enter the last year of my undergrad and have really enjoyed the lab work I’ve done previously but it feels like a rather large commitment when I’m not 100% sure I’m going to end up in research at the end of it. I was just wondering how you knew it was what you wanted to do!

Hello!

I actually have never been asked that question before, which was surprising for me too. I get a lot of “how did you know lab research was right for you”, but never specifically about how I knew a PhD was right for me (or maybe I did and I just didn’t answer it well), so I’m really glad you asked!

As you said, it really does come down to answering yes to both these statements: 

The career path I want is best accomplished with a PhD

I am willing to commit to the challenging journey of 5-6 years of grad school (+1-3 years of being a post-doc, if applicable to your field)

So here are the reasons how I knew getting a PhD was the best past for me:

I loved research. And I loved research beyond just doing benchwork--I loved the brainstorming, the experimental design, the analyzing of results, the troubleshooting of the unexpected, the dissecting of both broad and fine details as you solve a puzzle, the moment when you realize you just discovered something no one else has ever seen before, and communicating those exciting results. I was infatuated. When I was working as a lab tech in a cancer research lab after undergrad there were nights where I couldn’t sleep because my brain just would not stop brainstorming new ideas and questions about my research. I told that to a current grad student in the lab at the time and he was like “You know what that means? You have the mind of a grad student.”

And I wanted to broaden my skillsets. I could do a few techniques really well, but I really wanted to learn more, and I also wanted to learn more about those techniques--why do this, and not an alternative? What would happen if we tried this? I wanted to explore more. 

Going off of that, I wanted to keep learning. And not just looking up wikipedia articles by myself; I wanted formal training (because I had no idea what I needed to learn). And I’ve always been good at learning in a classroom setting so I knew I would excel at that part in grad school. 

It would lead me to the career path I wanted, which was to work at a biotech company as a leader of a research team and then become a consultant. True, a PhD is not required for that in many cases, but a PhD would better prepare me for those roles

I enjoyed writing and orally communicating about my research. PhD’s do metric ton of writing (grants, papers, reports, etc) and oral presentations (conferences, meetings, collaborations, etc). And I really enjoyed (and was good at) all that. 

I wanted to be in a position where I could lead and mentor. As someone with the highest degree in the room, institutions look to the PhDs for direction. So PhDs will become leaders--whether it’s a lab of their own in academia, or a team in an industry setting, etc. Even grad students have undergrads, or have to TA. And I was ready for, and wanted, all that. 

I was good at wearing a lot of hats. PhDs don’t just do a singular task; during grad school we learn to be versatile (you have to be in an academic lab setting), and that versatility carries through later as we become excellent multitaskers and are good at adapting to new challenges. And as someone who has always successfully juggled school and work and multiple extracurriculars, and had experience being a rockin lab manager (in the lab I worked in after undergrad), I knew I was up to it. 

I loved working by myself but I also loved working as a team--and that’s a necessity for research in general, even for non-PhDs, but PhDs are more likely to have to excel at both. 

I was mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially ready for the challenges and commitment of 5-6 years of grad school (plus 1-3 years of being a post-doctoral fellow, if applicable). Grad school is tough as balls, and you have to be just as tough, or at least have the resources to help you. I took a gap year of 2.5 years after undergrad to a) figure out what the heck I wanted to do/get research experience and b) mature to the point where I could be ready for something like grad school. I feel that working as a full-time lab tech really allowed me to immerse myself into the closest setting of a grad student in my field as possible. Being there 40 hrs/week really is different than when you’re an undergrad researcher popping in for 2 hours/day. I also took a grad-level class to see if I could mentally balance class and research. I know that’s obviously not an option available to everyone (nor is it necessary), but that’s just how I knew that every part of me could handle the rigors of grad school. 

Going off of that, I had a lot of grit and discipline. Sometimes that’s all you have left to get you through the day in grad school when everything else feels depleted. Grad students do a lot of things they’re not motivated to do, but we gotta get it done anyway, and sometimes grit is all we have to make our limbs move. 

PhD holders and PhD students at the time were telling me I’d be great at pursuing one. They know better than anyone what it takes, and they knew I was ready. 

Also dang, I’d be lying if I said money didn’t play a role in it. I graduated college in 2011 during the grand ol recession, and the job market stunk. I saw that options for biology majors were slim to none (I was extremely lucky to have found my lab tech job), so I knew I had to either wait it out until the job market bounced back, or make myself a more attractive candidate for the workforce, or both! (Let’s not talk about the economy during Covid lol). Also, the thought of making over 100k with a PhD was attractive. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, but money does buy happiness, because money buys food and a roof over your head and warm clothes and healthcare and hobbies so uh, yeah, I did get the highest degree possible partially for the money. 

So why not a Masters? That’s a good question!! And the truth is: I didn’t know I could accomplish most of what I wanted with a Masters. And that was my fault for not doing my own research, but I think I was just.. surrounded by PhDs (both in my academic lab setting and in my family) and the thought of doing a Masters never really occurred to me. Also, idk, I knew in my heart and in my bones I wanted a PhD, so I’m not sure if I would be happy with a Masters. 

Lastly, because this list is personal to me, getting a PhD would get me off my mom’s shit-list and end her endless emotional abuse towards me being worthless, etc. Long story, but yeah, it did factor into it as kind of a bonus point. 

So thar’s my spiel.  

One last thing I want to add: though continuing research is the most common career path for PhD holders, it’s not the only one. Here’s what else is available for PhDs (from the book Career Opportunities in Biotechnology and Drug Development by Toby Freedman)

If the image is hard to see, there are 4-ish main branches, and then some sub-branches (and even more specialized sub-branches that aren’t labeled):

R&D: Discovery research, preclinical research, bio/pharmaceutical product development, project management, clinical development, regularly affairs, medical affairs

Services: Recruiting, law, venture capital & banking, management consulting

Operations: Bio IT, quality, operations

Commercial Operations: Business development, corporate communications, product support, sales, marketing

And that’s just in the industry sector--academia, government, and non-academia/non-govt research institutions are also obviously available as career choices, though those would focus more on R&D (and also teaching). 

You obviously don’t need to know the specifics of your career path before committing to grad school, but I think you should have a general idea that what you want to do would best be accomplished with a PhD. 

If you’re still on the fence, I would advise:

Talking to more grad students or degree holders--both PhD and Masters (our Gradblr Discord is great for that!)--to paint a bigger picture.

Informational interviews are also great, especially if you’re interested in learning more about those career paths above. 

You can also explore the field a bit more in-person by starting off with a Masters (less time commitment than a PhD, though more expensive), or an entry-level research job like I did. 

Best of luck! 

[full-of-jams]

Good Riddance #2

Pairing: Jimin x Reader

Summary: There were two things life taught you. Money bought comfort, not happiness. And love was always a gateway to pain. When your former best friend Jimin suddenly returns into your life, he challenges your belief and rips open the past you tried so hard to forget.

Genre: heirs au, girl boss, e2l, angst, mutual pining, eventual smut, feat. OT7

Warnings: hints of booty call Tae, uwus!

Word Count: 5k

A/N: And we’re back up to date! The last bit literally made my heart melt. Please feel free to leave me a comment or send an ask! I would love to hear your thoughts, good or bad!

Read: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | [ongoing]

°°°°°°°

[10:13 PM] You: come get me @ cygnus bar

“Here you go miss, our Cygnus signature sake martini. Junmai Daiginjô sake mixed with dry gin and a dash of extra dry vermouth. Crisp and clean with a slight hint of sweetness. And another Old Fashioned for the sir.”

You briefly looked up from your phone and gave the bartender a quick smile, “Thanks, just put the Old Fashioned right here. My guest will be back in a sec.”

The hotel bar of The Cygnus was bustling on a Thursday night. You were dressed in a close-fitted black cocktail dress, embroidered with elegant gold and silver flowers. A demure little thing if it weren’t for the slit that went up your thigh. A freshwater pearl necklace rested daintily around your neck, aptly showing off your collarbones. You were actually quite proud of your outfit for tonight, although if you’d known the evening would progress in this way you may have decided on something more prude.

Business dinners. Always a fine balance between being charming but not overpowering, personable yet professional. Usually an easy balance to strike if your partner didn’t decide to get plastered and become an insufferable flirt.

You really couldn’t remember the last time you had dinner with a friend just for the heck of it. It was always either business, networking or the occasional ‘date’ which was nothing more than an ill-disguised excuse to end the night in someone’s bed.

You loved your job, but sometimes you wondered if living and breathing your work and drowning yourself in the company was just a way to fill a void. You immediately shied away from exploring that thought. Let’s first get through the evening without killing Gerard, you could psychoanalyse yourself some other time.

“The restrooms here are really divine! I tell you, D-I-V-I-N-E! Almost as divine as you tonight! I need to know the interior designer!” Gerard proclaimed as he slid clumsily back into his seat.

[10:18 PM] You: now.

“Did you just compare me to a toilet?” you asked incredulously as you finished typing and closed your phone.

Gerard gave you a toothy grin before he took a long sip from his Old Fashioned.

I should’ve started ordering him water after drink number two.

“Not the toilets! Their wallpaper is exquisite! Just like you!” he said happily.   

“Now I’m wallpaper?” you mused and looked down on your dress. You really should’ve worn something else.

Gerard’s eyes crossed in concentration as he realized what he just said. “What I meant was I could definitely use someone like their designer to stage the condos downtown. They’d sell like hot cakes!” he rectified with a snicker.

“I know who designed this hotel. If you want, I can introduce you to them.” You picked up your drink and gave it a taste. It was pleasant and neat. Unlike the drunk real estate broker sitting next to you at the bar. “But in return I expect you to send me a first draft of the listing proposal by Monday.”

“Y/N! Always on the job. You know I’ll do my magic. Here’s to our new listing contract. The Plumeria Offices! Drinks are on me!” Gerard giggled into himself.

You clinked your glass and laughed quietly, “And who’s commissioning your sorry ass? So technically drinks are still on me. You’re lucky you’re good at your job.”

It was time to end this night. You made a mental note to never go out for drinks with Gerard again.

“Then let me take you out to dinner! Not like this, but a real date. C’mon, don’t you ever get tired refusing me? It’s not easy to find an eligible bachelor like me, rawwr!” Gerard winked and clawed the air in front of you.

He was very lucky he was good at his job.

Your phone lit up.

[10:21 PM] Gucci Boy: The Cygnus?

[10:21 PM] Gucci Boy: That’s all the way across town! Ugh -_-;

Plan A seemed to be a dead end; it was time to start thinking about a plan B.

[10:23 PM] You: i’ll blow you

“How about we talk about your feline bachelorness tomorrow? Tonight we should celebrate our contract and the divine restrooms,” you said distractedly as you scanned the room for an escape.

Gerard unexpectedly inched closer and yelled directly into your ear, “To the Plumeria Offices, the divine restrooms and the divine Y/N!” You winced as a hot waft of alcoholic exhale hit your face.

Your patience was waning. You had to get away before you made dead broker meat out him.

Just in that moment you recognized a familiar figure at the hotel bar entrance. You couldn’t even believe you were actually considering this.

It had been a very long and painful past hour. Your rational brain tried hard to convince yourself that you preferred your real estate broker alive and making you money over the instant gratification of nailing his balls against the wall.

What your brain didn’t tell you was how choosing the devil made this situation any better. Here went nothing.

You abruptly stood up and waved, “Jimin! Babe!”

Jimin’s head turned when he heard his name. His eyes briefly widened with surprise and confusion as he recognized you. He started coming over to your spot at the bar and you could see a flash of understanding cross his face as he took in the scene.

“Cheers to my divine Y/N!” Gerard howled as he lifted his glass with one hand and tried to sling his other around your shoulder. You nimbly dodged his arm and moved right next to Jimin as he reached the bar. Your arm slid loosely around his waist.

“Jimin, babe, what are you doing here?” You looked up at him and gave him your most innocent smile.

Just play along.

His eyes narrowed slightly, but otherwise he showed no sign of surprise at your unusual behavior. After a brief moment he simply smiled back, pulled you closer into his side and rested his hand at the small of your back. You suppressed a startled yelp.

“I was about to ask you the same thing. I had a meeting at the Suthora Lounge. It just finished, so I thought I’d grab a drink before I turn in for the night.” His smile turned into a mischievous smirk. “You didn’t tell me you were coming to this bar tonight, sweetheart. Otherwise I would’ve dropped by sooner.” His term of endearment caught you off guard. There was a teasing glint in his eyes as his thumb gently stroked across your back. You tried to ignore the zing it sent through your body.

“Sorry, where are my manners! Jimin, this is Gerard, a business partner of mine. Gerard, this is Jimin, my…,” you paused for a millisecond as you debated which word to use. For lack of a better idea you lamely ended on, “Jimin.” Jimin shifted slightly next to you.

Gerard stood up and gave the both of you a confused look. Slowly the situation dawned on him and a slight flush of embarrassment crossed his cheeks. He tried to collect himself and stuck out his hand. “Ah yes of course, it’s nice to meet you.”

Jimin shook his hand. “Likewise, Gerard was it? Y/N has already told me so much about you. She often says it’s rare to find true professionals nowadays, but she holds you in very high regard.”

You gave him a quick, annoyed glance. Don’t lay it on too thick, boy. He was trying to hold back his laughter as he quirked his eyebrow in response. What are you gonna do about it?

It reminded you of the days when you used to pull pranks like this all the time.

Gerard’s face turned red like a tomato. Jimin’s words seemed to sober him up a bit. He awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck and replied, “Yes, working with Y/N is great. She’s truly talented and… uh... attractive.” His face blanched. “I mean, not that I find her attractive! I m-mean, not that I find her unattractive…”

Jimin laughed at the man’s flustered state. “Don’t worry, I know exactly what you mean. She’s clever and absolutely stunning. It’s hard to resist.” His eyes crinkled as he gave you another mirthful smile.

Your stomach twisted. He was playing the loving boyfriend part a little too well. If you didn’t know any better, you would’ve thought he actually meant it. You immediately dismissed that ludicrous thought.

You could already tell this little stunt was going to cost you.

Gerard downed his drink and started searching for his wallet. “I better get going now, it’s getting late. It was a really good evening Y/N. I’ll give you a call next week when all the listings are sorted out.”

“Monday,” you said with a big smile and a voice that brooked no argument.

“Y-yes, of course. Monday. I hope you don’t mind if I don’t take you home. You’re in better hands with your boyfriend anyway,” he sputtered.   You fought your urge to correct him and just gave him a friendly hum of confirmation. Gerard nodded to Jimin and you without making eye contact, put some bills on the counter and quickly shuffled towards the exit.

Once he was out of sight you immediately stepped out from under Jimin’s arm. Your skin tingled where his palm had rested a second before. You sat back down and let out a deep sigh. Jimin slipped into the seat next to you.

The bartender immediately came up to him, “Good evening sir, what can I get you?”

“The usual please. Thanks Paul.”

The bartender left and you both sat in silence as you nursed your drink.

“Don’t ask.”

“I wasn’t going to.”

You heaved another small sigh, turned towards Jimin and took in his appearance for the first time this evening. He was wearing a slightly rumpled dress shirt with the top unbuttoned and his sleeves rolled up. He almost looked a bit out-of-place and tired. You wondered if the project was putting him under too much pressure.

What was wrong with you? Why did your stubborn heart still have a tender spot for him?

“What are you doing here?”

This time it was his turn to let out a sigh. “Do you realize you always ask me the same question?”

“Are you following me? Is this some weird game of yours where you’re just trying to prove a point again?” you tried hard to sound unaffected.

Irritation and hurt flashed across his eyes.

Good.

But then it was gone in a blink, replaced by an unreadable smile, “Get over yourself, not everything in life is about you. I live here.” He took the glass of whiskey Paul set in front of him and clinked it against your martini glass. “Cheers.”

You were about to retort as your phone blinked.

[10:35 PM] Gucci Boy: Fine, will be there in 30.

[10:35 PM] You: don’t bother. matter’s settled

[10:35 PM] Gucci Boy: TT-TT dinner tomorrow?

You decided to ignore his question.

“Is Gucci Boy your boyfriend?” Jimin asked with a skeptical snort.

You glanced up and realized he was looking into your phone. “What Taehyung? No, he’s just whatever.”

Jimin’s brows shot up. “Just whatever? And here I thought you were the biggest romantic on the planet.” You couldn’t tell if he was mocking you or not.

There used to be times when you believed in the love of a friend and the love of a mother. Those times were long in the past.

“No Jimin, you’re the biggest romantic sap on the planet. I’m a person who believes relationships are overrated. What do you mean with you live here?” You didn’t want to talk about your love life anymore, so you decided to not-so-subtly change the topic.

You could tell he wanted to push further but then he decided to let it go. “This is our hotel, did you forget? I needed a place to stay when I moved back to the City. I’m temporarily staying in the penthouse suite while I’m looking for a new place.”

“I know this is one of your hotels. That’s not what I meant. Why aren’t you just tiding over at your parents’ or at Jihyun’s? They all live like three blocks from here.“

The edges of his mouth twitched up, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He took another swig of whiskey. “For someone who doesn’t want to be asked any questions, you sure ask a lot of your own.”

There was nothing you could argue against that.

You turned your attention back to your drink. “Thanks Jimin,” you said in a quiet voice. No matter how wary you were of him, you weren’t ungrateful.

He didn’t respond. You looked up to see his reaction. This time his eyes were creased in amusement. “I think this is the first nice thing you said to me since I’m back.”

You rolled your eyes. “Don’t get used to it.”

His smile grew wider. Your heart skipped a beat as your friend of your past peeked through.

The moment passed as he responded, “Don’t worry. You owe me one, sweetheart.”

***

The next morning your phone rang. You absentmindedly answered the call while you flipped through some blueprints, “L/N speaking.”

“Y/N, I have a great idea how you can repay me for last night,” a familiar voice purred on the other end of the line.

You did a double take and looked at the caller ID on your screen. Shit.

“Jimin? What do you want?” You muted your phone and let out a loud groan. You knew this was going to happen.

“You know, your work and private persona are really different. Is there a reason why you’re so cold to everyone all the time? Maybe you should go consult a therapist, this could be a serious case of disassocia…”

“Park. Cut to the chase. What do you want?” you tried not to sound annoyed.

The boy on the phone clicked his tongue disapprovingly. “Now I am hurt. And here I thought you’d be endlessly grateful after I rescued you from your horrible date last night!” he wailed dramatically over the phone. You forgot how childish he could be sometimes.

You took in a deep breath and gathered all your patience in your voice, “First, it wasn’t a date. Second, fine. Let me hear your great idea. What can I do for you?”

“I told you I’m looking for a place, right?” excitement now laced his tone.

“Yes?”

“I want you to find me a new home.”

You were a bit surprised and relieved by his request. “Oh, well that’s easy. I can refer you to one of our brokerage partners…”

“No Y/N, I want you to find me a new home. I want you to go house shopping with me.”

You should’ve known he wasn’t going to let you off the hook that easily.

You let out an exasperated breath, “You want me to play your realtor? Jimin, I don’t have time for this, you know we don’t broker. Besides, my team focuses on commercial real estates. If you insist on us finding you a new place, I can get you in touch with our residential development team. They know everything that’s happening in the City.”

Jimin laughed across the phone, “Don’t give me lame excuses. This request is off the clock. You know this town like the back of your hand, and you know my taste. You’re the best personal shopper I could want. I won’t take no for an answer. Impress me.”

There was an unsaid threat in his words. Take this deal while I’m still playing nice. My next request will be much worse.

Sometimes you hated this game of give-and-take. Sometimes you hated savvy business people. Sometimes you hated yourself because you relished in all of the above.

“Fine. I don’t have time this weekend. Give me the week to pull together some listings and then let’s meet next Saturday. I’ll give you one weekend of my time. Either you take it or you leave it and go find yourself someone else to bother.”

“Deal.” his old eagerness shined through, “Oh, and put some effort into it. If I notice you’re doing this half-assed just because it’s me, I won’t let it count.”

You bristled at his remark, “Don’t insult me, Park.”

Another laugh chimed through the line, “See you next Saturday.”

***

It was Saturday morning and you were late for your appointment. You rushed past your stepmother into the kitchen to grab a piece of fruit and some water.

“Honey, is this your breakfast?” she asked, “I’m making pancakes, you can have some now if you can’t stay for breakfast.”

You quickly scarfed down your banana. “Sorry Ave, I’m in a hurry. I fell asleep last night while reviewing the bid proposal and forgot to set an alarm.”

Your stepmom crossed the kitchen and looked at you with worried eyes, “You seem stressed these days. I have a facial appointment this afternoon for my shoot on Monday. You can take the slot if you want.”

“I’ll probably be out all day, so enjoy your facial.” You finished your last bite of banana, grabbed a water bottle out of the fridge and headed towards the kitchen door.

“We could do a girls night in tomorrow? Eri’s off, I can prepare some things for a nice pamper session for the three of us?” she tried again.

You didn’t know why she was fussing. You weren’t even her daughter. “I’m good.”

In that moment your father entered the kitchen. “Bye dad, bye Aveline.” You gave him a quick peck on the cheek and rushed out the door.

The traffic gods showed mercy, you miraculously made it 5 minutes before the appointed time. Your development manager Julia was already waiting, coffee in hand.

“Have I told you, that I love you and I want to marry you?” you said as she handed the coffee and the listing portfolio to you.

Julia chuckled at your remark, “Ah, if only you were my boyfriend. I’ll just have to imagine it was him saying that right now.”

“I take it, he’s still being dense?” you asked.

“Super dense,” Julia agreed. “So who are we meeting on a Saturday morning and why the hell are we showing them apartments?”

“Don’t ask. It’s just an acquaintance of mine and unfortunately I owe him a favor,” you said miserably.

In that moment Jimin arrived. “Good morning Y/N, what’s with the long face? We haven’t even started yet,” he said cheerfully until his eyes landed on Julia. A small frown settled on his face.

“It’s 8.30 am on a Saturday morning and we’re in the middle of downtown. The real question should be why are you in such a good mood?” you commented with a scowl.

“You said we had one weekend. Gotta make the most of it. Who’s this?” he asked with a nod.

You realized you forgot to introduce Julia. Why were you so easily distracted by him? “This is Julia, she’s one of our residential development managers. Julia this is Jimin, a friend of the family.”

Julia eagerly held out her hand, “It’s great to make your acquaintance. Y/N never mentioned she had such a handsome friend.”

Jimin dropped his frown and took her hand, “Nice to meet you too. May I ask why you’re here today?” Julia visibly swooned as he gave her a smile. You wanted to kick them both.

“She’s here to assist with the contract. Once you’ve decided on an object, she’ll close the deal for you,” you answered in an irritated tone.

Jimin’s cheery mood returned, “Great, so that means we don’t need her for the actual touring? Apologies to have hauled you out of bed this early in the morning Julia. If you don’t mind, I’d prefer to visit the properties in private. I have some catching up to do with Y/N.” Jimin gave Julia another bright smile.

“N-no, not at all. I hope you find something to your liking,” she responded weakly. Julia turned to you with a knowing smile and muttered, “Call me if you need something.” She winked and scurried off before you could protest.

Great. You glared at Jimin, “This was completely unnecessary. We need her!”

“Why? Didn’t you do your homework?” he teased.

You huffed at him, “When did you become so insufferable?”

“When did you become so uptight?” he countered. “We can just call her back when I’ve picked something, okay?”

You refused to respond.

Jimin tried to appease your agitated mood, “Look, I know you don’t like me. But you’ve agreed to this and I need a new place. So why don’t we both stop bickering and act like two civilized human beings for the day?” As an afterthought he added, “I’ll buy you lunch. Your choice.” He knew you couldn’t say no to good food.

It was going to be a long day. And you really didn’t have the energy to stay angry all the time.

“There’s this new seafood place close to the pier that I’ve been meaning to try. It’s on the way to the Spirea Tower,” you considered until you saw Jimin’s grimace. You forgot; he didn’t like seafood. “We don’t have to go there…”

Jimin hastily shook his head and said, “No it’s fine. Let’s go there. If it’s on the way, then even better.” You had to smile at his eagerness.

You cleared your throat and put on your best sales pitch voice, “Very well Mr. Park., welcome to 230 Beech. If you’d like to follow me inside.” You gestured and entered the building behind you.

***

“The highlight of this penthouse is of course the 360° view over the city. You have plenty of terrace space to host outdoor events and the glass windowpanes give you that highly sought after indoor/outdoor living experience. This building has all the amenities you can ask for. 24h valet, fully equipped gym, indoor swimming pool, library, conference rooms, a 100-seat screening room, lounges for hosting events, it even has its own residential barber shop, grocer and coffee bar. It really is a great investment property.”

Three penthouses, three condos and two townhouses later, you finally arrived at the last stop of the day. Your day with Jimin was oddly pleasant yet frustrating at the same time. True to your agreement you both stopped bickering and focused on the task at hand. He took his time inspecting each property, attentively listening to your explanations, asking interested questions and openly admiring features that he liked. Nevertheless, nine properties later, he still hadn’t settled for any of them.

“So what do you think?” you asked him, as you presented him the breathtaking sunset view.

Jimin stood next to you and looked out over the city. “It’s really an extraordinary space, but I don’t think it’s what I’m looking for.”

You were tired, your feet hurt, and you really didn’t want to repeat this procedure again tomorrow. “What do you mean it’s not what you’re looking for? It has everything you can possibly ask for and this district has a forecasted value increase of 20% in the next 5 years. Heck even I bought a unit in this building.”

Jimin turned to you and asked curiously, “You live here?”

You shook your head. “No,” you replied, “I still live at home. There’s no point in moving into my own place when I’m barely ever there anyway. Doesn’t mean I can’t own property around town. Are you sure you don’t want this penthouse? Julia told me there’s already two offers up for it, but I’m sure we can strike a deal with the seller. It’s really a great investment.”

“Y/N.” He sounded strangely solemn. “I had fun today and I feel like this is the only way I can get you to talk to me in a normal way, but I meant it when I said I’m looking for a home.”

You spent your entire spare time of the past week pouring over different listings and registries, trying to find something which you thought suited his taste. No chance in hell was Park Jimin going to walk away at the end of this weekend without a contract.

“And what? None of these caught your eye?” you asked defensively.

Jimin looked at you pensively before he said, “They’re all really amazing, but as you said, they’re investment properties. That’s not what I’m looking for.”

Oh.

He continued in a quiet voice, “You know what I’m looking for, right?”

He was looking for a home.  Somehow this realization made your heart clench.

You contemplated for a moment until you made up your mind, ripped a corner off your portfolio and wrote an address on the paper.

“Meet me here tomorrow at 11.”

***

“This is a deli.”

“Shush. Just follow me.”

You entered the store and headed straight for the counter.

“Y/N!” exclaimed the man behind the register. “You really need to come by more often!” He came around and gave you a warm hug.

“Hi Bodo,” you said in a muffled voice as you awkwardly tried to extract yourself from his embrace.

Bodo finally let go of you and gave Jimin an appraising look. “This is the young man you’re showing around?”

“Yeah, do you have the keys?” you asked.

Bodo grinned happily, grabbed a basket from behind the counter and headed out the door. ”Of course young lady! Everything ready and prepped as soon as you called this morning. Let’s go!”

Jimin gave you a puzzled look, you shrugged noncommittally. Just follow me.

The three of you walked down the street and arrived at an old building which had ‘Cali Soap Co.’ written across its brick wall. You walked up a flight of metal stairs and ended up in front of an insignificant-looking set of double doors. Bodo fumbled briefly with the keys until he unlocked the entrance and held open one side for you. “Voilá! Welcome, welcome!”

A beautiful two-story loft unfolded before your eyes. Light streamed in from the large industrial windows. Plants hung from the ceiling and the window frames. To the left a giant bookcase spanned across the entire height of the loft. The kitchen was situated in a winter garden at the back of the building which opened up to a small courtyard patio.

Bodo put the keys and the basket on the coffee table and turned back towards the entrance. “I’ll leave you two to it. I packed you guys some lunch in case you’re hungry. Take your time. You can come by the shop and drop everything off once you’re done.”

You gave Bodo a small smile, “Thanks.”

As Bodo left you stood uneasily in the middle of the loft. “I don’t know much about this building. It used to be an old soap factory which shut down in the 80s and got repurposed into a living space. The winter garden got added later on, they removed the air vents, cemented it shut and turned it into a patio. The old delivery area is on the ground floor below us. It can be used for storage or you can put in automatic doors and convert it into a garage. The previous owner didn’t have a car, so nothing was ever installed.”

You turned to check Jimin’s reaction.

His eyes were comically wide as he took in the loft. “What is this place?” he asked in wonder.

“It’s a home,” you simply answered. You remembered the first time you entered this place. You expected the sadness, but you didn’t expect the amazement. It was hard to ignore the love and care that was put into it. An eclectic array of furniture decorated the entire space. The bookcase was nothing short of imposing, filled with books over books over books. In every nook and cranny you could either find an ardently displayed old typewriter or some trinket brought back from faraway. This place was well loved and showed the story of a life. A life which you were never a part of.

I never wanted to be your mother. I don’t even want to be your friend.

Jimin walked around and ran his hands over everything. “I didn’t even know a place like this existed in this city,” he said in a hushed voice.

“I didn’t either,” you responded dejectedly.

Jimin shifted his attention away from the loft back to you. He gently asked, “How did you find this place?”

You hesitated, but then you decided to say, “It belonged to my mom - I mean Celia.”

Jimin moved back to your side, eyes soft. “Celia? Did she get back in touch with you? Where is she living now if she’s selling this place?”

“No, I haven’t seen her since the last time,” you said as you quietly shook your head. “She died last year of breast cancer. I guess she didn’t have any family, Bodo was actually her boyfriend. Isn’t it ironic? I inherited everything, including this loft.”

You’ve never talked about her passing until today; not even to your dad or Bodo. You’ve also never shown anyone this place. Not because you didn’t want to, but simply because you couldn’t think of anyone who could appreciate and understand it. You didn’t know why it felt so easy to share those things with Jimin. It always used to be easy with him.

Jimin was stunned, “Bodo was her boyfriend?

“Yeah, why? He comes by from time to time to take care of this place. He’s actually a pretty nice guy.”

Suddenly Jimin bent over and burst into laughter, “Exactly! How did someone so nice end up with someone so horrible like Celia?”

You could see how it was funny. You started to laugh as well.

“Poor Bodo!” Jimin sprawled on the floor and continued laughing. A warm feeling coursed through your heart as you slowly started to see a glimpse of your old friend again.

After a while he calmed down and stared up at the beamed ceiling. “This place is really beautiful. Are you sure you want to sell it?” he asked carefully.

This place was truly beautiful, but somehow it never felt like it belonged to you in the first place. Maybe because you knew it was never intended for you. It would be a shame to let something so precious go to waste. 

You gave the boy lying on the floor a tender smile. “Does that mean you want to buy it?”

Next >>

°°°°°°° 13/04/20

Copyright © 2020 full-of-jams. All Rights Reserved. Do not copy, repost or translate without permission.

.

@l4life​

[bogkeep]

oh man these past couple weeks have been Challenging because i’ve had so many work shifts but there’s NOTHING TO DO and trying to find ways to entertain myself for 8 hours has been slowly eroding my brain. i’ve read and reread so many webcomics this year, it’s like i’m in 8th grade again. contrast that with all the things i need to do when i’m NOT at work, which is just, too many things including my annual illustrative calendar project which i’m ALREADY behind on, and like, my entire brain is just flat anyway yesterday my boss went up to me and being as nice and careful as she can find it in herself to be, like: As You Might Know... there aren’t many guests right now... and it doesn’t seem like it’s getting any better any time soon... we have had many meetings but we might have to reduce our resources.... me, internally: OH!! OH!! AM I GETTING FURLOUGHED?? BREAK TIME FOR BOY??? NAP TIME?? FÜRLÔUGH??? MORE FREE TIME??? LESS WORK?? FURLOUGHE D?? boss: So It Is With Great Regret I Inform You That You Will Be Partially Furloughed me, trying not to seem TOO excited about it in front of my employer: alas! such are the times!!! not much to do about it i suppose!!!

[the-pen-pot]

Changes.

Before I begin, I'm pretty sure you guys all know I'm unemployed and have been for yonks. I was self-employed running an online jewellery store and a SAHM until Brexit. Since then (about 2016) I've been privileged enough to be able to adjust family finances so my spouse brings in the money and I keep the house ticking over. Sort of. Just to give you some idea of why an actual JOB never seems to feature in my ramblings)

As some of you know, I battle with depression. It hit me hard after finishing Gilded Cage back in about 2015, and while I've been medicated and had therapy since (both of which I no longer have access to), it's not the kind of thing that is ever really cured. One of the areas of my life that it's had the biggest impact is in my creativity. Writing is hard. Not while I'm doing it, but just getting started. I've developed a few different coping mechanisms, but the problem (which in my head I call inertia) is pretty persistent. It exists in other areas of my life too (tv shows, games etc): just finding the energy to *start* the thing is hugely challenging. Most days I manage it, but some days I don't get out of bed.

I think I've spent the past five years trying to get back to "normal". At first, it seemed a sound enough strategy, but it's pretty much time to admit that maybe I need to ditch that idea. This year in particular has shown everyone, I think, how much of an illusion normal is (and probably given us all an intense hatred for the phrase "new normal" which I hear all the time and it makes me want to beat someone's face in.)

So, I need to stop comparing what I'm doing now to what I've done in the past. I've been collecting fears because they're pretty excuses ("You'll never write anything as successful as Gilded Cage again. You've peaked; give up. No one will like it so why bother.) and I do like to cling to them as I give myself another reason to stay in bed all day. I need to acknowledge that different tactics worked for me in the past, but they'll no longer cut it, and I really need to find new strategies. Which, of course, is a mess of trial and error, some success and probably a dollop of crash-and-burn failure too.

So what's the plan?

Good question. I've already implemented some changes in my life to help since finishing The Riven Crown in 2017. (That was pretty much pure escapism and denial of my issues fic and I love it to this day because it let me completely ignore the issue for 18 months and didn't turn out too badly).

I started my patreon to help boost my self-esteem. To prove people were listening/caring/wanted what I write and were also willing to pay. (One of the neuroses from my upbringing is if you're not earning any money doing the thing, then that thing (and by extension you) is worthless. This is UTTER BULLSHIT and I know it but my psyche doesn't do logic). Patreon's been successful beyond my wildest dreams. Not only does it provide a good argument to my internal whinings of worthlessness, it provides my writing life with some external pressure. Before, all of my pressure came from me "You gotta update every week." which was challenging because I am simultaneously a hard-ass and a soft touch. I'd let myself miss my self imposed deadline and then loathe myself intensely for doing so. Not cool. Patreon allows me to externalise that a little bit more, which helps.

It also gives me fresh ideas, opportunities, and is an excellent way to connect with people who really, really like my work.

I also started using 4thewords to help with the inertia. It didn't. Not with the inertia bit, anyway. I still struggle to START THE THING, but what it does do is keep me going and keep me coming back, because by gamifying my writing, I'm giving myself other, smaller goals than "finish the chapter/story/thing" which, as we all know, makes a big goal easier to achieve. I'm not staring down the barrel of "Write 8 chapters and a smutty epilogue". I'm staring down the barrel of "Write 700 words to kill the critter and get cool gear" which is infinitely more do-able and also, I get cool gear. It feeds the positive reward feedback monkey brain and monkey brain likes that.

I need to do more, though, and mostly I think that comes down to trying out new strategies in the way I live my life to find a happy balance between getting things done and feeling worthwhile, and also getting the rest/downtime/whatever my neurochemistry needs to function. This is especially hard right now because I recharge through solitude. Like, utter solitude. Ideally, an empty house. Which has not happened since lockdown began in March. My home is currently also my husband's work and my kid's school, and that's not changing until at least September. I deserve a medal for not murdering anyone in the depths of an introvert-forced-to-socialise-constantly fugue yet, if I'm honest.

So next week (July 20th to 26th-ish) I'm taking a week off writing. (Sounds dead simple, doesn't it? But actually it's not.) What that means is I won't write during that week unless there's a project that's really captured my imagination and I'm compelled to do so. Will I still be posting? Yep. I'm angling this so that, hopefully, there'll be minimal delays to any scheduled postings.) After that I plan to gently increase the amount of writing/editing/actual "work" I do during the week. At the moment it's a bit hodge podge. I normally write a bit in the morning. 2000 words on a great day. On a not great day, maybe 100. I'd like to build that into something more consistent and productive, Monday to Friday. The idea is that roughly one week in every four, I'll take off from writing. 

It seems excessive. Even me looking at it right now, I'm like "that's a LOT of time off", but I think I need it. At least to start off with. I need time to just lie in bed and read fic if I want to. Time free of the constant, internal nagging of: "You should be doing x". Pre-planned, guiltless, time-off.

My hope is that it will help stabilise my productive/not productive patches into something workable that leads to a happier life for me, and more fic for you guys =D

Thanks for listening to me ramble!    

[smallblueandloud]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 for the writing ask- I AM SO SORRY I COULDNT STOP!!! xoxo

aaaah these questions look SO GOOD thank you so much <3 <3 for this ask meme, which will be open all weekend!

1. tell us about your current project(s)  ��� what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

i pulled open all of my WIP google docs for this and my laptop started whirring ominously, lmao. this is going to be a Little Long but i love talking about my wips so who cares!! (under the cut because EXCERPTS)

guys and dolls but gay - very, very casual rewrite of guys and dolls if sky masterson was a woman. i’m loving how chill i’m being about this one because it’s so much fun to not have to worry how i’m going to write lyrics in a not-weird way and just focus on the story. this one’s first because it’s theoretically closest to being finished.

sky, laughing: “oh? people. all the people you turn down every day. well, i imagine there’s someone out there that’ll catch your eye.”

sarah, stiffening: “...yes, there will be.”

sky: “and what might this person be like?”

sarah: “he will not be a gambler, for one.”

sky does not miss the pointed pronoun. “i’m not interested in what he won’t be, i’m interested in what he will be.” she sits down on the desk, in a pointedly masculine pose, and sets her fedora next to her - at her most Hot Queer, basically. “how will you know when he gets to you?”

my fic for the aos rarepair fic exchange - i can’t give any plot or ship details, for obvious reasons, but it’s 1.3k and i’m having fun with it!

steven roadtrip of destiny - canon divergent fic set at the end of steven universe future where steven goes on a roadtrip instead of... canon. it deals with some heavy emotions and it’s also a character study so it’s tentatively shelved until i get around to rewatching suf. but i am projecting on steven like crazy and it’s really, really cathartic. it’s taught me a lot about myself too lmao.

He’s never been anonymous before. He kind of likes it. It means he can fold his arms on the table and put his head down without Pearl worrying about his posture, or someone asking him if something’s okay.

In the last few months, he’s grown to hate people asking him how he’s doing, or if he’s okay. He always ends up lying, because he doesn’t want to worry them, and he ends up feeling worse.

Probably because it’s more of him supporting other people without supporting himself.

He should have told someone how he was feeling. He should have reached out. Sadie could’ve helped him. Lars would’ve listened. Connie would have hugged him and then found him the appropriate mental health professional.

(God, Steven wants a hug. Also the appropriate mental health professional? Whoever that would be.)

untitled aos fic - i don’t want to give a lot of details because :eye emoji: and also i don’t know much about what the plot of this is going to be anyway, lmao. but here’s an excerpt:

daisy “that actor who doesn’t shut up about data harvesting” johnson (@daisyquake) tweeted: two weeks :eyes emoji:

Elena Rodriguez | Seven Cents S2 Streaming On Netflix Now! (@yoyorodriguez) retweeted and added: the problem with being friends with daisy is that you SHOULD have some insight into what her tweets mean but you still have no idea

Fitz (@justfitz) retweeted and added: Try being married to her

untitled star wars twins fic - because i am a total and massive nerd. i’m just kind of stuffing everything i have feels about from the post-anh era into this and planning on figuring it out later? i’m really loving talking about the culture of alderaan (and the culture of the survivors) and also i just love writing luke and leia’s relationship... so much......

(no excerpt for that one because i’ve basically posted all of it in various posts lmao)

aos ds9 au - i’ve posted a LOT about this already and i want to keep the plot a surprise but fsk is in this and married and half the cast is aliens, what else do you need in life.

“Good morning,” says Jemma, coming into the room with her hair wet and her uniform crooked. “Hello, darling.”

“Hi,” says Daisy, turning her face up for a kiss. Jemma obliges absently as she walks past, looking around the room.

“Has anyone seen my hair clip?”

“No,” say Fitz and Daisy in unison.

and of course, last but never least in my heart, chapter 3 of the magnum opus - writing this is on hold until my brain decides to stop hitting me over the head at every possible moment, but there’s like... 2k written so far? it’s. it’s going.

“Yeah, yeah,” says Coulson, and makes quick work of the right gauntlet. It’s only halfway through the left one that his fingers slow and he says, quietly, “Simmons designed these, didn’t she?”

She lets out a quick breath. “Yeah.”

He stays quiet for a few more seconds, finishing up the last of the straps, making sure they’re tight enough. Finally, he says, “She should be helping you with these.”

Daisy pulls her arms back and swallows down some words, or maybe a couple of feelings, or maybe a sob. “Yeah, well.”

2. tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project

the last sentence of the magnum opus!!!!!!!!!!

no, lmao, i’m gonna try to be serious. i really, really want to write some librarians fic in the near future? also MORE OF THE SENSE8 AU. i’m DYING to write some stuff about that. especially sam’s cluster, for some reason? Let’s Make Him Suffer (Comedically)! one day i’m gonna finish that list of what cluster/situation each song is about and then it’ll be over for all of us!

3. what is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

i spent about eight months imagining a scene where riza hawkeye was really injured and mustang was holding her in his arms (basically the promised day scene but with more privacy) so does that count?

hmm, just for some other possibilities: glinda telling dorothy about elphaba, laura somehow seeing or speaking to natasha during catws, a good omens au of the good place (specifically the ”i don’t even like you!” / “you doooooooo” scene), kencyrath au of star wars (ESPECIALLY THIS ONE, except setting up the first scene alone would take 7k, but i want to talk about leia and luke and their MESSED UP TRUST ISSUES in this au).

oh, also, something about star trek tng where jean-luc and beverly and jack were in love and then jack died and picard left. more specifically a scene set during the pilot episode where jean-luc very cordially offers beverly the option to transfer off the enterprise, that he wouldn’t dream of holding it against her, and beverly very cordially telling jean-luc to go fuck himself. i want to write 30k of that broken triad. i want it so bad. i dream of that fic. maybe one day when i find myself with a completely empty month or two, i’ll binge all of tng and Write Some Stuff.

4. share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

since you and i have tww in common, i’m gonna do a tww fic! otherwise i’d have to reread literally every fic i’ve ever written, lmao.

(this is long but i put this post under the cut so i have RIGHTS. also consider this a sneak peek for the j/d fic in the sense8 au?)

“It’s okay,” says Helen. She sits for a moment in silence, seeming thoughtful. “The Congressman and I are in the same cluster,” she says eventually. “I’d- I supposed that’s easier on the Secret Service?”

“Yes,” says Donna. “The-”

She stops herself from saying anything further. President Bartlet and the First Lady aren’t exactly quiet about who’s in their cluster, especially with senior staff, but that doesn’t mean she should go talking about it in an unsecured room in LA, of all places.

To cover for her blunder, she gives up something else: “The same with Josh. They got really lucky with him, actually. It’s just him and me, so they won’t have to worry about anyone threatening the Chief of Staff through the barista in the local Starbucks.”

Helen looks up from the Ohio numbers she’d drifted back to, a slow smile creeping up on her face. “Josh is in your cluster?”

“Uh-” says Donna, feeling like national security wasn’t worth whatever she’s just blundered into. Oops. “Josh- Josh is my cluster, ma’am.”

She catches her mistake the second it’s out of her mouth, but Helen doesn’t call her on it, more focused on other revelations. “No wonder you two look at each other the way you do!” she says, sounding delighted. Donna shuts her eyes, praying for this to go away. It’s not that she’s ashamed of Josh - it’s just so, so complicated, and other people never think about how difficult it was. Still is.

i’m just... i really liked the idea of donna fumbling and having to reveal this to cover up for what else she was going to say? i don’t know why i’m so charmed by this. i think it’s because it would be impossible in the show - you can’t show what someone was going to say on television, not without a lot of setup and very careful scripting. it’s just a really fun situation to write about and i’m really proud of this conversation in general.

also helen santos was a dream to write and i love her a lot. i kind of want to write one of the fics in the series about her and her cluster solely because like... look at her. she’s a delight in literally every scene. i love her.

5. what character that you’re writing do you most identify with?

daisy johnson!!! i love writing daisy johnson!!!! she is the most adhd character i’ve ever written and i literally just have to transcribe my own inner monologue and it works perfectly!!!!!

Swing shift: 1600 hours to 2400 hours. Daisy always ends up getting back to her quarters at like 0030 hours, when Jemma is asleep and Fitz is reading some kind of technical journal. Then she has to eat replicated pizza, alone, and freshly replicated pizza is actually pretty hot but it feels cold at that time of night, like, spiritually.

6. what character do you have the most fun writing?

...whoops i literally just answered that lmao. uh. i also really love writing sky masterson in the guys and dolls fic? she’s just weaponized hot queerness in a suit and i love her for it. she is intentionally trying to seduce this repressed lesbian and it’s really funny and also really hot of her and it’s so much fun to write.

also, i wrote chidi for the tgp fic and it was possibly the most fun i’ve ever had with a pov, although that was also because i was purposefully trying to mimic the tone of the show. i still think that line about michael and a grenade is, like, the funniest i have ever been in my life. but chidi’s panic was surprisingly easy to write? all of tgp’s characters have such STRONG voices, it makes writing fic ridiculously easy as long as you don’t get stuck on a plot for six months.

7. what do you think are the characteristics of your personal writing style? would others agree?

oof, this one is ALWAYS tricky. uh? uhh?? i’m going to ruin everything by saying this but i basically alternate between the same two sentence structures and i am really frustrated about it. i also alternate between the same two styles of endings and i always use the same beginning (set scene, main character pov, thoughts-as-exposition, back to scene).

BUT ON A MORE POSITIVE NOTE i like to talk about emotions and relationships and character development!! i have my “queer subtext goggles” superglued to my face, lmao. i like to think about how characters must have felt about things in canon and how it must’ve influenced them. i like making people deal with the consequences of their actions, especially how it’s influenced they themself. i also just really, really like writing people who love each other, whether it’s romantic or platonic or anything in between. i just want them to be happy! i just want them to stick together! doesn’t matter what fandom, i stand by it.

[gottagobuycheese]

Creator Wrap 2020

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 (or so) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

As I’m typing this it is 5:02 in the morning on the last possible day to finish during 2020 so kudos to me for being a consistent person in SOME aspect skjhfskj

Thanks for tagging me, @beingjanee! When I was looking for stuff I made this year, I was kind of surprised to realize how much stuff I’d started but never finished, or finished but never posted. Granted, some are because I am not at liberty to share them, but mostly it was just because I never got around to it. So there isn’t really much to share from this year, haha. But hey, head start on next year! 

Anyways, these are some of the few things that made it outside my brain this year, despite all the Everything™. A fair few of them are co-created, so credit where credit’s due! And thus, in no particular order: 

1. Hollow Knight OST - Greenpath (Cover): Somehow in between all the studying and discording and video gaming, I was lucky enough to join my fellow agents of chaos @imperiousheiress and @silent--sonata in making our very own cover of Greenpath from Hollow Knight! Outside of formal band class or choir, I’d never actually made music with other people before, much less online across such drastically different timezones, so this was a SUPER fun little project that came out of this year! And it sounds pretty dang good, if I do say so myself. It also made me realize that if I cannot bring a keyboard or my trumpet to whatever place I end up living/working next I might actually die 

2. [Podfic] A Portrait in Synesthesia (based on A Portrait in Synesthesia by @jessicafish): This one is also a collaboration borne of the sheer madness that comes with locking five restless creatives in a groupchat during the first few months of this ridiculous year. But this is no ordinary podfic. Voiced by @d20owlbear, @silent--sonata, @internetkatze, @imperiousheiress, and yours truly, it’s also got cover art for each chapter AND an absolutely gorgeous instrumental track that accompanies it. I remember fondly the anticipation of waiting for Jess’s birthday to come by so we could finally stop sitting on it XD (speaking of, happy very belated half-birthday Jess!!)

3. Laugh Lines and Crow’s Feet: For once I did not chicken out completely when faced with the mortifying ordeal of Making a Background, so I’m definitely proud of at least that much with this piece XD. Also I love any excuse to draw people laughing, so there’s that. 

4. Fem Crowley: What started out as an exercise in head angles quickly ended up being an exercise in color. Obviously it looks way more accurate than anything I’d’ve drawn from scratch, but as far as the coloring goes, I’m pretty happy with how it turned out! 

5. Good Omens Snake-Off: Drew almost all the line art for this entire thing on the plane ride home after being forcibly punted from the country when the world first started shutting down, so THAT was new. I’ve never drawn that much on a plane before, especially without saving references first (until we landed and I had to google Brother Francis’s face of course), so I’m very pleased with it! (Also it’s just fitting to include the very first thing that came of quarantine lol)

Running out of time to post this before midnight so I’ll edit it later lol 

(EDIT: all right it is officially the Gregorian new year and now that the fire alarm has been disarmed I can finish this in peace lol) 

And I’d be remiss if I did not at least mention the entirety of the Good Omens Big Bang! I can’t quite tell how much of the work was done in 2019 (which, wild that that was only last year — well, last last year, now), so I didn’t include it, but knowing me, I’m sure 90% of it was done in the week(s) leading up to the February deadlines. 

(It’s already 2021 for me, but that’s not the case for all of you, so it’s okay I can still tag people.) Thusly I tag everyone mentioned above and also @theoldaquarian, @runningturnip, @yeswevegotavideo, @queenerdloser, @pachelbelsheadcanon, @fremulon, and everyone else who wants to share some of the things they’ve made in the past year (but no pressure!) Making it through this year was hard enough, so even if it wasn’t a particularly creative year, that’s still plenty to be proud of. And whatever else happened, I’m glad it meant I could meet you all :D 

Here’s to a better 2021 for everyone (oh hey that rhymes)! May you and your loved ones experience much more happiness, good health, and fun than in the previous year. And, of course, HAPPY FRIDAY!! (And also New Year I guess) 

[theda-rison]

Camp Nano July 2020 - Results, Discussion, and Conclusion

the Like, wow, Scoob! 

Camp Nano July 2020 is done, and here are some thoughts:

I always knew that writing a comic script was going to be a learning experience - I’ve never written a comic script so it really couldn’t be anything except for a learning experience - but hoooooo boy, was it ever!

Before starting I couldn’t find anything on how long comic scripts normally are; I don’t know why, that just seems information that isn’t really shared? (If anyone knows of a resource, please send it to me!) I’m guessing it has a lot to do with there just being less comic writers than there are say, book writers and movie writers. That’s probably what happens when your interests are niche in some way, it’s just harder to find anything about them.

FORTUNATELY, I have the fancy library-bound volumes of The Sandman, and there’s excerpts of the scripts in the back. Which like… thank you @neil-gaiman​, or whoever made that decision, because being able to look at an actual script and see how it’s formatted and what’s included has been the biggest help. Even the “How to Write a Comic Script!” videos I found on YouTube didn’t have example scripts which... I don’t know, I don’t get it. Please include examples, comic YouTubers. I am confusion.

Now is the time for a sexy graph, because we are the kind of people who keep Excel spreadsheets of word counts and make graphs for fun.

Anyway, let’s look at…

[Good. I was listening to As The World Falls Down by David Bowie over and over, and now this is stuck in my head again. I don’t know why I do these things to myself. Also, I love Peter Tork’s face during some of the “AAAHHHH”s lol]

I can’t remember if I stated this before or during Camp at any point, but my goal was 60k words. I dislike aspiring for un-round numbers like “1667″ every day. Any number I could possibly pick is arbitrary, but for some reason the classic Nanowrimo number of 1667 seems even more arbitrary. “2000″ is a much better number. And, I can generally write 2000 words in two hours before running out of steam, so it works out well. It also divides better.

Having said that, you might be thinking, “Theda, the end Actual number on your graph is a lot closer to 90k than it is 60k,” and you would be right, good eyes. Were I Brandon Sanderson and you were one of my students, I would toss you a gummi bear. As it is, you’re not my student and I have no gummi bears and I’m not even Brandon Sanderson… so life is just upsetting I guess.

[But I am back to listening to As The World Falls Down, so I suppose it all works out.]

Back to the graph: The Actual. Look at this wavy-fucking-scalloped-fucking progression. Look at it. I can’t tell if it makes me happy or angry or what, but I know it gives me some kind of feeling. I think I like it from a purely aesthetic point of view, but from the point of the view of the person who made it, it annoys me.

I had a couple of days where I - in my infinite stupidity - didn’t really elaborate on what was supposed to happen in some of the scenes in my scene list and so I spent my “Writing!” time (as it’s labeled in my planner) not writing, but looking at the page cursing myself for not having written any directions for me, a directionless person.

You may also notice that the Goal bars suddenly jump up on the 24th day,. That’s because - in my infinite wisdom - I redid my goals after reaching 60k. It just makes more sense to me to be like, “Well, I punched that goal in the face. Let’s try and go WAY overboard,” because I have the Too Much gene and as Henry Rollins says: “Don't do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.” I wouldn’t say that’s a personal philosophy so much as a Thing I Am Compelled To Do Or I Will Die.

But that’s just me.

As for the trend line, I prefer it looking more steep because that’s way more gratifying, but that’s what I get for writing parts of my scene list like, “That’s okay, Future Me will take care of it!” Past Me, you are a dick and you need to stop doing these things. You are a bastard.

Now for the table! 

[I’m sorry if that’s very small.]

And this time I’m showing you the actual table I use to write down my words. Complicated? Yes. Sexy? Very yes. A little annoying? Also yes. Do we get a little worried that she works too hard and refuses to take a vacation? We do, but we also know that she does it because she loves her work, and we love and support her and bring her snacks throughout the workday to keep her going. What a great table.

First of all: Yes, my first writing block is at 4am. It’s because I have a day job and if I write from 4-6 I can use my brain right when it’s freshly slumbered instead of using it for nonsense at work all day and being unable to write and aggravated because my mental capacity is nil and I no longer know what words are. In an ideal world I would be able to write all day but, here we are.

You might notice there’s a lot of 0’s in the 4am block, especially in the fourth week, and that’s more so because - in my infinite infiniteness (infinity?) - I am secretly an ice giant (but like, smaller) and it’s summer and the northern hemisphere is Too Hot and I literally will not be able to sleep at night until about December. Until then, I am forced to understand what it’s like to be a jacket potato for half of the year so I can empathize with their starchy pain because this is, for whatever reason, Important.

It me. (Recipe)

Anyway,

My record day was 7519 on the 10th, which is just sexy and fun and cool and everything we want, and my lowest was a big fat 0 on the 16th.

I felt super motivated for reasons I don’t remember on the 10th. This is because I didn’t have my planner yet and was not keeping notes anywhere else at that time. (It’s an undated Daily Passion Planner, in case you’re also a slut for planners and wish to know ;) ). I think I was trying to do a 10k day just for funzies? Which, technically, at 2k words in 2 hours I should be able to do 10k in 5, but cell phones exist (and are too distracting), and until I shed my corporeal form I still have to do things like “make food and eat it,” and “get up to pee,” and “experience all the vagaries and horrors of human existence.” I’m hoping it clears up soon. 

The 16th was the day that Future Me took Past Me by the hand and said, “My good bitch, you need to stop doing that thing where you leave shit for me because you run out of motivation or executive function or whatever the fuck is happening where you decide you don’t want to do something anymore, seemingly at random. You deciding to leave school before the day even started because you were bored may have been cute when you were a kid - and also annoying for everyone around you, and just alarming that time they had to pry your hands off the door molding as you held on to it and screamed - but as an adult you are both the cause of and the person who has to deal with this bullshit, and you need to stop.”

On the 16th I went to the Shrine of the Self (sorry, I’ve been reading a lot of manga lately) and made an offering for forgiveness, and then hunkered down and added a TON of notes and partially written scenes to my scene list. You can see how much that helped; it’s almost like having direction is actually useful, lol.

BUT, despite all that direction and despite punching my goal in the face, breaking it’s glasses, and taking it’s lunch money, the script is not finished!

Here’s some math as of the 23rd:

There are 124 points in my outline On the 23rd, I had completed 44 of those points, at 363 pages or 59,601 words 124 / 44 = 2.81 Now we check: 44 * 2.81 = 123.6 (close enough) So as of the 23rd, the projection for completing the script was: 363 * 2.81 = 1,020 pages 59,601 * 2.81 = 157,479 words

Now, I don’t know what the fuck that means because I don’t really do numbers, but at the time of the 23rd it looked an awful lot like I wasn’t going to finish this Camp project. And uh… hey, that was correct.

So I’m going to be continuing Camp Nano July 2020, but also in August 2020, over about 20 more days (providing I hit my goal every day.)

So:

IF -> I need to get up to 158,000; 158,000 - 86,000 = 72,000 words need to be written. (I'm rounding the total up because I canNOT imagine this script being somehow smaller than that at this point, and I’m rounding my Camp total down because who cares about 72 words?) I divided 72,000 from a few numbers until I got a word goal I was okay with, that I think I can do, here’s that one: 72,000 / 20 days = 3,600 words a day (This would mean I can either do 2k in the morning and then 1600 later, or the reverse. You know, whatever way I feel spicy that day.) THEN -> I need to write 3,600 words a day for 20 days to (hopefully) finish this script before work picks up at the end of August.

And then I’ll chill from the end of August - October (except for maybe some short stories or essays. I have a lot of Thoughts and they need to be purged from my brain for my own good). And then I’ll use Nanowrimo Classic (November) to edit this fucker.

SO… that’s some stuff.

As I said at the beginning this endeavor was only ever going to be a learning experience. Having to write 158k words total doesn’t scare me, the longest thing I’ve written yet was something like 190k words. Trying to finish it before the end of August is the daunting part. Especially since being able to be creative right now just keeps making my brain puke out more ideas, and then there’s too many ideas and I’m just writing them all down and hopefully I can get to them later.

Anyway, good job on Camp Nano July 2020 everyone! We did it!

And if you didn’t do it: don’t worry, you’ll do it next time :D

[wings-of-indigo]

So, Waitress is closing and Why I am Happy about that: An Exceedingly long essay Rant about Broadway

Look. Nobody's gonna read this, most likely, but it's 2 in the morning and my brain's been obsessing over Broadway (more than usual, anyway) since communing with my people at intensive this week. So, in the interest of getting some sleep before 8 hrs of dance and shitty high notes tomorrow, here goes.

I love classic, high-school-and-community standard musicals. I love new and experimental musicals. I love Disney film-to-stage musicals. I love institution musicals like Chorus Line, Cats, and Wicked; I even have a soft spot for Phantom. I am eagerly anticipating West Side Story next Christmas (seriously, I have a calander).

BUT.

As I said to one of my fellow dancers during post-class stretch (after noting his insane flexibilty and making yet another resolution to stretch more) I am Sick to GoDAMnEd DEATH of revivals, franchise adaptions, and restagings taking up the Broadway and greater theater markets.

I get why it's happening; I do. Musical theater, even shows that never make it out of Regional productions (Be More Chill, btw, I'm so proud of you bby :'-D ) are REALLY FREAKING EXPENSIVE, not just to stage, but also to develop. Broadway productions nowadays regularly go upwards of TENS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS in costs.

Those costs are more and more frequently being met through funding by large groups of wealthy investors, who can expect basically little to no return on that investment. Only a select few shows that make it to the Great White Way do well enough to turn a profit (let alone the kinds of numbers that Hamilton, DEH, and Wicked continue to make), and more and more shows are closing in defict or once they break even. (Coincidentally, this is probably why we're seeing more and more straight plays on Broadway, especially in limited engagements. They're quicker, cheaper, and still have the same level of prestige.)

It makes sense then to assume that a show linked to an already successful property has a better chance of reaching that break-even mark, or perhaps generating a small return, than a more original idea. It's a surer bet, and we've seen it a lot these past few seasons. Anastasia, Beetlejuice, Pretty Woman, Moulin Rouge, Mean Girls... we get it. We promise. Investors want some security in an extremely and notoriously insecure market before they're willing to lay out the dough.

I get it. Everybody gets it.

And, to be fair, some of those shows are and continue to be GOOD. Tony nominees and award winners, even. But here's the problem: it's boring.

And not because I know how Act 2 ends without getting spoilers on tumblr. Unless they're younger than ten, the population of Broadway-and-musicals fans generally has a good handle on where a show's relevant plotlines are going. It's really not the wanting to know the end that keeps your butt in your overpriced red velvet seat and your eyes on the stage. It's the score, the words, occasionally the choreography, and most importantly the magicians on, off, and backstage bringing those things to life in a new and interesting way.

The antithesis of this, then, is having to watch slavish recreation of iconic scenes, lines, and characters from iconic films, presented Onstage! (TM), now with Bonus Songs! for your reconsumption. (Yes, Pretty Woman, I'm looking at you.)

Hey, I love Pretty Woman the Movie, slightly dodgy messages about feminity aside. I love it as a movie, and I really don't need to watch the knock off version of it, even if it comes in a shiny Broadway package.

Anastasia, and Beetlejuice, on the other hand, work extrodinarily well as musicals because they are NOT carbon copies of the original, somehow miraculously transplanted onto the stage.

Ironically, musicals based on original ideas are actually some of the most successful and well reviewed recent productions. Hamilton, Dear Evan Hansen, Come From Away, and Hadestown this season are all original works, and well, look at them. (Fishy, huh? Coincidence, I think the fuck not.)

Recently I got to see The Prom on Broadway, the day after I saw Pretty Woman. The contrast between shows and my enjoyment of them was well defined. I couldn't look away from The Prom, despite many of the major story beats being as obvious as our Cheeto-in-Chief's spray tan. I and the entire rest of the theater were completely engaged by what was going on onstage, both comedically and dramatically. At Pretty Woman, I found myself checking the Playbill to see how many songs were left for me to make it through and anxiously comparing the size of my thighs to the dancers onstage to pass the time (ah, pre pro Body Issues, welcome back! We all thought you'd retired!)

Three guesses which show I'd choose to see again.

When I read that Waitress was closing, the first thing I did was panic and start marking pre January weekends where I would both be free and possibly have disposable income (I've never gotten to see the show, and frankly I would like too). My second reaction was, yes, to mourn the closure of a wonderful show, but it was mixed with hopeful anticipation. Waitress had a good long time in the sun, and just like a well lived life, eventually it must and should end. It's better, in my humble student opinion, to live with memories and cast albums (and regional productions) than the stodgy life of a show that's jealously clung to its Broadway berth through the tourist-and-date-night trade (*cough*Phantom*cough*). It's sort of like your 40 something mother taking selfies in booty shorts in an effort to prove she's still 'hip' and in her twenties. Cringe.

Ephemera is the nature of live performance, and probably part of its allure. And just like in the natural world, old things have to end so that new things can become. Waitress closing is a vital part of this cycle.

Broadway has a limited number of theaters. That's a hard and absolute fact. Maybe a quarter of them are effectively taken off the market for new shows by productions apparently cursed with immortality. Waitress has just opened up another spot both physically and creatively for a new project- hopefully something we haven't seen before- and I hope to God, Satan, and Sondheim that it doesn't get filled with another franchise spinoff, celebrity jukebox musical, or -Lin Miranda forbid - yet another revival.

Why the revival hate, though? Aren't revivals an major way to revisit the landmark and important musicals of the past and bring them to a new audience?

Well, yes. They are, especially when they're staged and presented with the emphasis on letting the music and words speak for themselves and giving the actors leeway to work with the material, without the typical levels of Broadway Extra (TM) and creative meddling from the producers. (The recent Lincoln Center staging of A Chorus Line is a good example of the stripped down style I'm talking about.) But even if they have their place, once again, revivals (while valuable and cool and all that) are Something We've Already Seen.

Let's take Newsies for example. A show with a huge fan base (mostly teen, mostly girls) who I frequently see wishing for a revival.

Now, I am a raging Newsies fan. Newsies is the show that got me started on attempting to make a profession out of dance and theater. I can sing both the OBC and Live albums back to front. I may or may not have had embarrassing crushes on certain cast and characters that I will take to my grave (I'll never tell and you'll never know, mwahhaha). So, do I love and worship ever iteration of this show? Yes. Do I wish I had been able to see either the Natl Tour or Broadway productions? Hell yes, with all my heart. Do I wish the Gatelli choreography was in any way accessible for me to learn? More than I want Broadway tickets to cost less than my soul, kidney, and hypothetical but unlikely first born combined.

But do I want a Broadway revival? Hell FUCKING No.

It's over, it's done, and it lives on in reinterpretation in regional and junior productions. Good. That, to be quite honest, is where it should belong.

It doesn't need to be rehashed on the biggest stages, and to be frank, neither do most of the ultra popular revivals that have been happening. (Yes, Ali Stoker is awesome and deserves the world, but Broadway does not need Oklahoma. If you need to see it that bad, go find a high school production somewhere. I recommend the midwest.) Broadway does not need 1776 (even though I am looking forward to it). Broadway does not need a Sweeney Todd revival (even though I want one like I want ice cream after suffering through jazz class in an un-air-conditioned studio on a 90 degree afternoon with no breeze. Seriously, I might be making sacrifices at my altar to this cause in the back of my closet).

Broadway needs musicals that are at least nominally original, and if not, come from something obscure enough (Kinky Boots, Waitress, Newsies) that they can make their own way. Barring that, investors, writers, and directors, please have the courage and decency to take established content in a new direction. Please, I'm begging you. I'd honestly-and-truly much rather sit through something that didn't try to shove the better version of itself down my throat even as it bored and annoyed me to tears. If I'm going to pay $80+ to sit through two hours of something terrible (and less engaging than my dancer body image issues) at least let me get my money's worth in unique horribleness.