#anyway hopefully i'm catastrophizing

[jaqobis]

yeah i'm thinking about rand in the trailer / the fact that sanderson is consulting on the show again

but

if season 2 starts setting up for the (frankly absurd) sanderson dragonmount assertion that rand ~ starts going dark ~ because he doesn't care about other people ~ i am well and truly going to scream

[phoenixiancrystallist]

Month 7, day 3

So my computer might be perma-ded, don't know yet, but here's more designing on that shirt design! Transparent this time so I can see the transparent effects better but they might not transparent correctly on the TeePublic upload. Idk, we'll see! But first I'm gonna finish cleaning this up and playing with effects until I like it so much I don't want to change anything :)

[miragestar]

ANYWAYS PeatClan's Run should be back shortly,, i'm trying to finish this one ridiculously long scene coming up and then it should resume publicly!

I've been doing this shit long enough to know to never make exact predictions but I'm hoping by the end of October maybe...

[b-blushes]

wahoo yippee wednesday i am back

drs contacted me yesterday about weird test results and should be nbd. as soon as i can get it from the (hellish) pharmacy (which is in total shambles) there's some medication that should improve them and help me uhhhh feel alive physically (as long as i can tolerate it) 👍 very nice to have something show up on a test for once as to why i'm doing bad :P and to have treatment options. ngl friends i am feeling like i'm gonna explode in the kiln atm mentally and physically! but doing my best to stay silly, peace and love on planet earth

[luvrrszn]

hopeless devotion

JAMES POTTER x FEM READER

summary you are hopelessly devoted to james potter

warnings angst, fluff, bad writing, idk honestly, probably inaccurate hp facts,...???!/2/21

a/n guys it's actually been SOOOO long since i've written plz go easy on me i've missed writing so much but i've just been awfully busy :( anyways hopefully this won't be a catastrophic piece of writing!!

masterlist

the very day you met james potter, you had your eye set on him.

however, what started out as a friend-crush (you know, when you really really want to be friends with that one kid in your science class), eventually turned into a full-blown crush.

throughout your years in hogwarts, you became good friends with james, eventually becoming one of his best mates. however, as the years went by, you still never managed to muster up enough courage to confess your feelings to james.

so you decided it was enough to just stay by his side.

you were there when he developed a massive crush on lily evans. in fact, you were the one who gave him advice, and you were the one who cheered james up after lily rejected him for the seventh time. you were there throughout it all, even though it broke your heart.

you decided it was better to just stay friends, even if it hurt you to your core, than to be nothing at all.

—

"i won't be around this weekend. i'm going to hogsmeade with lily. she agreed to something casual." james declared, grinning as he sat down across you.

the thoughts in your head came to a halt. you didn't hear the chatter of the students in the dining hall anymore, completely stunned by james's sudden announcement.

you were swiftly brought out from your trance when sirius starts talking directly into your ear.

"oi, are you going to hogsmeade this weekend?" sirius asks as he sits down on your right, shoving bread in his face as he spoke.

"yeah, i'm going with evan." you reply, focused on reading the mail your beloved owl had brought you. in an attempt to force yourself to get over james, you had agreed to a hogsmeade date with evan, who was your potions partner.

even remus, who was seated on your left, turned to gape at you. sirius spoke incredulously, "rosier? evan rosier, that prick?" they were both shocked at your casual mention of the blonde slytherin boy.

"yes, evan rosier. and don't call him a prick, siri, he's actually quite nice."

“yeah, yeah. before you know it you'll be begging us to get you out of that date." sirius replies before going back to shovelling food into his mouth.

you peek at james, and his face is expressionless, jaw clenched. you can't read his face, but you figure he must be annoyed at something else.

because there's no way he's jealous that you're going on a date with even. right?

—

the weekend rolls by.

you go to hogsmeade with evan, having drinks and talking at the three broomsticks, buying sweet treats at honeydukes, walking around the area.

as the sun starts to set, you and evan decide to head back to hogwarts. on your walk back, evan's hand brushes against yours, and he takes your hand.

you fail to notice james and lily, walking behind you.

james has his hazel eyes are fixated on your hand resting in even rosier's.

—

"c'mon, what was that?" james grunts, a hint of annoyance hanging in the air as the two of you enter the gryffindor common room. evan and lily are long gone, even back to his own common room and lily off with her friends.

"what're you on about?" you reply, taking off your coat as you slump into the comfy sofa.

"you and rosier. what's up with that?" james huffs, his annoyance becoming more and more evident with each word he utters.

"there's nothing much, jamie. jus' went out for the day, that's all." you reply, sitting up a little straighter.

"c'mon, just spit it out! were you tryna make me jealous, or what?" he snaps.

you let out a laugh, "make you jealous? how could you say that? after all these years i've been by your side, helped you with lily, even when it broke my heart to. so if i'm finally moving the fuck on, the least you could do is be happy for me!"

shocked by your outburst, you immediately stand up, grab your coat and bolt back to your room. you slam the door behind you, slumping against the door.

you feel the eyes of everyone else in the dormitory on you, but you can't even process it, consumed by the realisation of what you'd just admitted.

—

for the next few days, you keep your distance from james. partly because you're still embarrassed by your sudden somewhat confession, but mostly because you wanted to stand your ground.

you thought that if he wanted to apologise, he would.

throughout the days that you avoid james, he tries to approach you multiple times. after potions, during lunch, even after his quidditch practice. all times, you manage to find one of your friends nearby, immediately beelining for them.

however, you still talk to remus, sirius and peter. you decided that whatever tension you had with james would remain between the both of you.

"c'mon, you've gotta talk to him. he's been mopey all week. and really grumpy too. and it's aaaaaallllllllll because of you." sirius grumbles, poking your shoulder as he sits down next to you in the common room.

"you're just being dramatic, siri. right?" you reply, turning to remus, hoping that he would tell you otherwise. however, you're disappointed when remus says, "nope. this time, he's actually telling the truth."

"hey!" sirius shouts, indignant.

"you gotta do something, please. he's always pissy." peter chimes in.

you sigh, getting up from your seat, "fine, I'll see what i can do."

you make your way to their dormitory.

—

you knock on the door softly, before opening it and sticking your head in. james is lying on his bed, back facing the door.

"christ, can you be any louder? get what you need, and get o—" he pauses when he sits up and realises it's you. he falls silent, letting out the softest "oh" you've ever heard.

"hey, what are you doing up here?" he asks softly as you kick off your shoes and sit down at the foot of his bed.

"i wanted to talk to you, if that's okay." you reply, fiddling with the hem of your sweater.

his sweater, actually. he lent it to you a year ago, when you felt cold during lunch. you liked it so much, you never returned it. he never asked for it back either.

for a second, james looks shocked. then he replies, "y-yeah. of course."

"i'm sorry i've been avoiding you lately, i just wasn't ready to talk yet. and i was embarrassed too, y'know. that wasn't exactly how i'd planned on telling you. but anyways, i just want to let you know i don't have any expectations. i think we should just go back to normal, if that's okay with you." you calmly explain, trying to remain composed, even though your heart is beating so fast you think it might actually explode.

an awkward silence falls between the both of you, and you can tell james is trying to collect all his thoughts before he speaks.

he runs his hand through his hair before saying, "christ. i've liked you for the longest time, i still do, but i thought i never had a chance. you were always too cool for me, y'know, and you still are. hearing you admit that you were trying to get over me, it made me so confused. i didn't know if you wanted anything to do with me anymore, let alone like me back. that's why i didn't do anything to try and "win you back". y'know?"

he rubs his arm, looking sheepish as he stares down at his bedsheets.

"i still like you, jamie. do you still like me?" you whisper.

he moves over, taking your face into your hands. he presses his lips onto yours, kissing you harder, and harder, and harder. and boy, do you kiss him back.

when the two of you finally break apart, you're breathless.

"so, is that a yes or a no?" you grin.

"it's a yes, you little twit."

[starlostastronaut]

SURPRISE TO GO

kim seungmin × reader - fluff, non idol au, coffee shop au, barista!seungmin - 1.1k

summary - seungmin spends his birthday working because his friends are busy. but are they really?

links - masterlist

yall i finally finished this. i forgot about seung's birthday and none of my drafts felt right so i wrote this quickly today. it's still 22nd in korea so i'm still on time. happy seungmin day! happy birthday my love! <333

no proofread and written in hurry. i hope you still enjoy and let me know your thoughts! <3

The bell rang above your head as you entered the small café. There were not many people inside at this hour. It was nearing the evening and the café was slowly going to sleep, people leaving and employees cleaning the emptying tables. You looked over the place, your eyes stopping at the coffee station. There he was, busy with preparing drinks and looking stupidly hot while doing it. Nope, focus, not the time for that now.

You felt it was a crime to make Seungmin work on his birthday, but volunteered anyway, when another barista called in that morning with food poisoning. When you asked why he did it, he just replied why not, the extra money was always worth it and his friends were busy anyway today.

Which was true. But not for the reason Seungmin thought. Ever since this morning, your secret group chat was blowing up with things going wrong. First the cake you ordered arrived damaged, then the restaurant canceled on you at the last minute… it was always something. Even now, you felt your phone constantly buzzing in your pocket.

You found yourself at a quiet corner table, where Seungmin wouldn't immediately see you from where he was and you took out your phone, dreading whatever catastrophe was awaiting you. Rolling your eyes at the chat name (seriously, who let Hyunjin name it?) you opened the messages.

SEUNGMINNIE'S BIRTHDAY BONANZA CLUB

sunshine baby sent a photo

sunshine baby: me and minho-hyung just saved the day!!

work of ART: wow the cake looks amazing lix

work of ART: me and changbin-hyung are almost done with wrapping the presents

work of ART: btw who's idea was it to do everything with pochacco paper? i hate that damn dog now he's everywhere 😭

devil bunny: stop being dramatic hyunjin you volunteered 🙄

DAD(dy): karaoke reservation for 7pm confirmed

DAD(dy): get your asses here and help innie with decorating

Oh. Finally some good news. You quickly responded to the guys, deciding on when to bring Seungmin to the karaoke. Checking the time, you realized you had about an hour left before Seungmin's shift ends and you need to somehow get him to the karaoke, where there is a surprise party waiting for him. Hopefully. But you trusted Chan that he can handle his six chaotic kids and nothing would go wrong again.

Deciding to make your presence known, you walked up to the counter. “Hey Seung,” you said, leaning your forearms on the counter as you checked the menu. “I'll have… whatever this is.” You pointed to the picture of this month's special drink, not daring to guess what was inside. But it looked big and complicated enough to hopefully fill some of the hour you had.

“Y/N.” Seungmin looked up in surprise, his lips immediately stretching into a soft smile when he saw it was you. He looked almost surprised to see you there. “What are you doing here?”

“I had to see my favourite boy,” you smiled. “And because he's working today…” You looked up, your eyes meeting his. Looking into Seungmin's eyes was always an experience. His dark, deep, chocolate eyes held the stars of the universe in them and you often found yourself weak to the love you saw when he looked at you. Sometimes, it took all your willpower to not avert your gaze. It felt like a bright beam of the sun, blinding and warm at the same time. And you weren't backing now.

If Seungmin's coworker was here, he would have by now uttered some ridiculous comment about the very obvious tension and to get a room. Luckily for you, Jongho was cleaning up spilled coffee, facing away from you.

“I wouldn't drink that if I were you,” Seungmin chuckled. What? Oh right, you were ordering a drink.

“Why not? It looks… fun?”

“It's disgusting as fuck.” Seungmin quickly looked around, letting out a relieved sigh when his manager was nowhere to be seen. “Our manager keeps coming up with insane things, but it went downhill after the first one. I'll make you your usual?” he offers instead.

You chuckled at his answer. He was the expert here. “Sure, thank you baby.”

Seungmin winked at you and began making your usual order. Moving away to not stand in the way but to have a good view of your boyfriend still, you leaned on the counter.

You loved watching Seungmin to do just about anything. He moved with practiced ease, knowing the steps by heart. If you woke him up at midnight and told him to do something, he would excel at it half asleep. He was calm, confident and always knew what to do. It was hot.

“There you go.” Seungmin slid your drink over to you and you smiled when you saw a cookie next to the cup.

“Is this the girlfriend privilege?” you laughed, carefully unwrapping the cookie and breaking it in half. You waited for when Seungmin was free again to call him over and feed him half of the cookie as he laughed and protested he's on the clock and shouldn't. As it turned out, bothering Seungmin was a great way to pass up your time and before you knew it, he was clocking out and offering his hand to you so you could leave together.

You led Seungmin to the karaoke, making up a lie about how you wanted to eat dinner together to explain why you weren't taking the usual route back to his and Felix's place.

“Karaoke?” Seungmin raised his eyebrow when you arrived in front of the building.

“You like singing and the buffet is great?” you shrugged, pulling him inside.

You made your way to one of the rooms, leading Seungmin into the darkness. “Happy birthday Seungmin!” the guys shouted as you flicked on the light, revealing your friends, balloons and gifts wrapped in matching wrapping paper and the cake Felix and Minho made.

While Seungmin stared in shock, you grabbed your present, lining up with the guys to congratulate him. “Thank you, Y/N,” Seungmin smiled as he received the box and you knew it wasn't just for the gift.

Later you watched him unwrap the presents with a glass of champagne in hand, enjoying his reactions to the gifts of all sorts. Sentimental ones, nice ones, and Minho's. That one deserved its special category, because the way he doubled over in laughter when he saw the shorts and couldn't show you for a solid two minutes, was something you very rarely saw. His eyes sparkled, barely visible with how much he laughed and that would forever be your favourite sight.

taglist: @stayconnecteed @hanjsquokka @starseungs @starlostseungmin @ivaneedssleep @bbybearcubbs @lakoya @rylea08 @caitlyn98s @oddracha @sweetbokji @feybin @qwonyoung23 @jiaaabbahng @hope69world @palindrome969 @alicedawitchbish @hyunjinshairband7 @nattisbored @ermahgerd-larry-and-ziam @kayleefriedchicken @extrhotjne @kirakombat @kmgfeels @freyjhasdesiredreality @dazzlingjade @boldy-49 @naarmzz @rei-reia @cookiesandcreammy @urfavblondy @chlodavids @armystay89 @btskzfav @vegetablesarefuntables @tearzzuu @ch4nn13luv @kisses-too-the-moon @mellhwang @lolareadsimagines @missmajdastark @drewsandsebastianswife @mitchii @chillichillicrabcrab23 @laniminchanlix @dearly-somber @greyyeti @linosazuna @na-tas-post

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© starlostastronaut 2024 | do not repost/translate my work without permission

[bluehwale]

okay so idk if you’re taking requests or not, BUT BUT BUT could u please write ateez as chb demigods (kind of like the jongho one), the scream i let out when i read demigod on the post was a bit embarrassing tbh

also hi new follower 👋 gonna go stalk ur masterlist/s don’t mind me :))

the rainbow thief | demigods! poly ateez au

02 / ‘the rainbow thief’ masterpost / prev / next

summary. eight demigods find themselves ecstatic over finally mustering up enough courage to let you know about their unbridled feelings for you, only to find a threat looming upon them; a rainbow thief that's set out to steal you.

or alternatively,

your best friends are oblivious to your reciprocating feelings.

pairing(s). ot8 demigods! ateez x daughter of iris! reader (son of hades! hongjoong, son of athena! hwa, son of apollo! yunho, son of poseidon! yeosang, son of zeus! san, son of aphrodite! mingi, son of dionysus! wooyoung & son of ares! jongho)

word count. 3.1k

genre. pure crack, angst if you squint real hard until ur eyes close, tons of fluff, literally the dumbest thing i've written help, basically idiots2lovers, ateez are chronic simps to the point where it's hard to watch, borderline unhinged behavior, they are also himbos!

warnings. alcohol intake (wooyoung and his wine), cursing, not proofread sorry </3

note. hi! this has been sitting in my drafts for a long while and i'm so sorry it took so long to be posted (almost d worded bc of my assignments) anyways, i kinda added a spin on this req by making it a poly fic, i hope you don't mind! thankyou so so much for being my first ever request<3 hv a great day!! ily ^3^ ++ feedback would be greatly appreciated pls i need to improve my writing

masterlist

San thinks this is definitely a level nine code red.

To give you an understanding of San’s Catastrophe Indicator, here’s some scale to context; a level eight would be Wooyoung somehow finding out his deepest darkest secret— that he still sleeps with his plushies every night; and a level ten would be getting zapped on the ass by his dad’s lightning bolt (and potentially having to stay in the infirmary for a week). So yes, a level nine is alarming, if not, exceptionally lethal.

It’s been exactly 53 minutes and 46 seconds since San has been watching you enthusiastically converse with an unfamiliar boy who’s sitting a little too close to you for his liking. His heart aches at the way you throw your head back as you let out your endearing giggles and how you teasingly shove his arm while the boy looks over to you with a grin, probably proud of a joke he told that made you laugh.

(It has also been 53 minutes and 46 seconds since the pink haired boy remains frozen behind a tree— the perfect hiding spot, he mused— all the while trembling like a leaf as he struggles to resist the temptation of flying in your direction curled up as a ball to hopefully cannonball the boy off the bench beside you.)

San huffs, he won’t let this be! It’s supposed to be the special day where he and the boys finally let you know about their feelings, and he would rather backflip off a cliff than let this undeniably handsome, seemingly perfect, flawlessly flirty guy who looks like he jumped out of a popular romance anime seduce you!

He falters, however, when he sees you stand up and grasp the boy’s hand to rise along with you. 

The poor boy’s eyes almost popped out of their sockets when he sees you inch closer to the blue haired boy, a pretty smile evident on your face as he then wraps an arm around you, pulling you close while whispering something into your ear that makes you blush. 

This can’t be happening! 

San’s hands turn jittery as he unconsciously moves away from his hiding spot, needing to get closer to you, his best friend that he’s been hopelessly in love with for years, but he can feel his heart finally breaking when you excitedly pull the boy into a warm embrace.

Snap!

Your head looks up to see San pausing his steps after accidentally stepping on a tree branch with eyes as wide as a deer caught in headlights. You innocently wave at him and San prays that the ground would swallow him whole.

He feels his hands grow clammy as he ungracefully dives behind a trash can to (unsuccessfully) hide himself from you and the unfamiliar boy walking together towards his direction. But of course, with the unmistaken pop of his pink hair, it’s hard not to notice him— especially for you.

“San!”

The demigod curses under his breath when he sees you in front of him and sheepishly stands up to meet your amused eyes. The blue-haired boy beside you stifles a laugh with an unconvincing cough and San thinks he hears the male mumble, “Oh, is this one of them—” before you elbow him on the stomach, cutting him off as he groans.

You pay no attention to the boy beside you as he doubles over in pain to clutch his gut, you turn to brightly grin at your best friend instead. “Meet Yeonjun! He just got here yesterday and, oh, he’s an Aphrodite kid! I think you both would get along pretty well.”

San feels his eye twitch. He tunes out your voice that rings throughout the air as you introduce him to your new friend.

A son of Aphrodite. Your new friend.

Aphrodite. The goddess of beauty and love. 

His heart sinks into his stomach.

This might be even worse than a code red level nine.

  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ✺◟( • ω • )◞✺

“There better be a good reason for San to drag me here in the middle of drafting up my Capture the Flag strategy plans.” Seonghwa, the brain and only hope of the group, crosses his arms and tsks. 

The state of an emergency calls San and Mingi (an Aphrodite kid and the first San ran to for consultation) to round up everyone in the infirmary, an unfitting spot to hold their “emergency meeting” but the two boys couldn’t wait for Yunho’s healer shift to end. Mingi taps his feet anxiously when it looks like San’s unwillingness to speak due to his sullen mood means that he will have to be the one to break the news.

Ever the poster child of rationality, he slowly starts, “We think… _____ might be interested in someone.”

“You mean some people,” Wooyoung cackles, sipping his wine from an ‘I LOVE DIONYSUS’ mug as he gestures to his best friends sitting around in a circle. “There’s nothing to worry about, everyone in camp told me she’s 100% gonna accept our confession. They even think we’re all already dating.” The boy proudly smiles, taking another sip of his wine as his stomach flutters at the thought of you.

“She’s in love with an Aphrodite kid,” San blurts out.

Splatters of red wine burst out of Wooyoung’s mouth when San’s words finally registers in his mind, leaving him to stammer and gape wordlessly as chaos ensues with the rest of the boys.

“What are you talking about?!” gasped Seonghwa, any previous thought of his strategy plans immediately forgotten.

“But— but we were supposed to tell her today!” Yunho, ever in tune with his emotions, wails while his hands slap his face to cover his already leaking eyes. “What are we gonna do with the humongous bouquet I requested the Demeter kids to make last night?!” He reaches out a shaky finger to point at the flower bouquet and an equally large teddy bear taking up a whole corner of the infirmary. 

Amidst the commotion, Mingi locks his arms around Yeosang who seems to have resigned from his body completely and looks like he’d willingly give himself up as lunch for any nearby sea monster. “Guys, calm down, maybe this is all just a misunderstanding—”

“An Aphrodite kid, you say?” interrupted Jongho, already rolling up his sleeves to relieve his bulging biceps from ripping his shirt apart. “What’s this guy’s name and what does he look like?”

“Jongho, you’re not killing anyone—”

“Mingi’s right,” Hongjoong sighs, eerily calm besides the smoke fuming from his nostrils and his eyes that glint devilishly. “Instead of killing him, making him suffer throughout his afterlife sounds much better, I’ll make sure my dad takes note of him.” 

“That’s not what I meant!” interjects Mingi who, still grasping a Yeosang who’s ready to jump up and dash off into the ocean, shoots a desperate look begging for help to the eldest. 

“Maybe he’s trying to seduce her into a pyramid scheme?” Seonghwa supplies weakly, brain racking to find any other reason to support the idea that maybe you’re merely close with this person as friends and not because you’re in love with him.

“And why the fuck would he do that?”

“We demigods aren’t immune to capitalism.”

“It’s hopeless,” counters San, shutting everyone else up. They look over to him with furrowed brows and trembling lips, one that matches his own. “You weren’t there– you didn’t see what I saw. She looked so happy.”

  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ✺◟( • ω • )◞✺

The eight sulky boys toddle around mopily as they pick apart the romance-themed decorations littered around the hidden area you all claimed as your group’s private hangout place. They can’t help but feel dejected over the fact that you— their best friend who they’ve been in love with for years, like someone else.

“Thought I’d find you guys here.”

Speak of the devil.

Their heads snap to find you walking on the path of rose petals they prepared earlier today, dressed in a baby blue mini dress you reserve only for special occasions instead of your usual get up of the orange Camp Half-Blood shirt and jeans. An easy smile rests on your face as you greet your best friends and they can’t help but feel their hearts grow heavier at the sight (except for Yeosang who is too busy panicking over you possibly noticing the ‘We Love You _____!’ banner that is still on display).

“______, what are you doing here?” The glint in your eyes visibly falters at Seonghwa’s question, your excitement twisting into unbridled nerves that settles uncomfortably in your gut when you notice everyone staring at you as if you shouldn’t be here.

Word spreads crazy fast in camp and it didn’t take long for you to overhear about the surprise the boys had planned for you. Although it unsettles you that the boys might be upset at their spoiled attempt of surprising you, you can’t help but feel giddy at the thought of them liking you back after all these years of you believing that your feelings went unreciprocated. 

So imagine your confusion when none of your best friends showed up to lead you to your surprise and that, after happily skipping all the way here, you find them hostile in your presence.

“Uh,” you trail off, nervously picking at the skin around your fingernails as you try to gauge their reactions. “It’s just… I didn’t see any of you today except for San. I missed you guys.”

It seems like that was the wrong thing to say as the boys, to your confusion, suddenly broke in tears.

“You can’t say things like that!” Yeosang hiccups, bringing a hand to his face to wipe the steady stream of tears falling from his eyes and earning broken mutters of agreement from the other boys.

"Wha—What?" you stammer, surprised at their reactions. What’s going on?

“You shouldn’t say things like that when you know we can’t have you.”

“What do you mean? Why can’t you?”

“Because you’re in love with someone else!”

You pause. “Huh?” Any trace of your previous nervousness vanished, instead replaced with rejoicement at the thought of them being jealous over you with someone else. You restrain the urge to giggle.

“It’s okay, ____. We understand,” sniffles Seonghwa, clamping his hand over Wooyoung’s mouth who was clinging onto his arm while yelling: ‘NO, WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND!’ It took awhile for the eldest to eventually tackle the younger to the ground, suppressing him by placing his weight over him while Wooyoung continues to let out muffled yelps as he struggles. Seonghwa turns to you and offers a weak smile, the usual shine in his eyes nowhere to be seen. “We’re happy for you.”

You try to contain your amusement. “You are?”

“We are,” Yunho nods, hastily wiping away his own tears to hold both of your hands in his (you can distinctly hear Wooyoung’s muffled scream of ‘WE’RE NOT!’ in the background). “We’ll always be here for you. We’ll always be your best friends.”

“That’s gonna be a problem, though,” you chide lightly, feeling the smile you’ve been trying to mask creep up to your face. “I want you to be more than just best friends.”

It took a couple seconds for the sulky boys to register what you said and when they did, you’d think they’d won the lottery or something (you’re pretty sure Jongho leaped three feet up in the air). 

“But what about that Aphrodite kid?”

You turn to Hongjoong in confusion. “What Aphrodite kid?”

Everyone turns to accusingly look at a certain pink haired boy. 

San gulps. “Yeonjun,” he mutters. It comes out sounding more like a question than a statement.

“...Yeonjun?” you burst into laughter, uncontrollable giggles escaping you from how ridiculous this is. “We’re just friends and he has a boyfriend. I was even talking about you guys all day to him!”

“Y—you were?” San stutters, already feeling the pointed glares burning on his back. “I—I thought you liked him…” 

“I don’t,” you reassure them with a smile. “How could I when I’m in love with you guys?”

Mingi lets out a relieved scream, enveloping you in a tight hug to bury his face in your hair and inhale his favorite scent— the sweet smell of coconuts; you. “You don’t know how happy I am to hear that. We’ve been in love with you too.”

You take a peek from Mingi’s embrace to see the other boys celebrating; Wooyoung’s already chugging down a freshly opened bottle of wine while the rest of the boys are simultaneously doing tiny hops in a group hug and letting out excited yelps. Your cheeks ache from grinning too hard at how cute your boys are.

“_____! We need to go to the infirmary, we prepared something for you!” Yunho excitedly pulls at your arm, just remembering the bouquet and teddy bear for you, separating you from the blonde giant who’s now sporting a pout at you leaving him. 

You and Yunho both merrily skip your way to the infirmary with your hands intertwined and pink dusting your cheeks, unknowingly leaving a pink haired boy to meet his doom.

“Aha, who would’ve thought that she’s not actually in love with another guy?” San forced out a nervous chuckle, slowly backing up from his best friends and wishing he could disappear just about right now. “No hard feelings right? Everyone makes mistakes—”

“Shut up. Come here.”

Not too long after, a loud scream rings throughout the camp.

(“That sounds so much like San, don’t you think?” you worriedly ask the boy beside you who’s dwarfed behind the huge teddy bear he’s helping you carry to the Iris Cabin. 

“Nah, that’s not San.” Yunho calmly shrugs, his smirk hidden behind the gigantic bear plushie as he thinks of his own revenge against the culprit for his whirlwind of emotions he went through earlier today.)

  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ‍  ✺◟( • ω • )◞✺

INTERLOGUE

BEFORE THE EMERGENCY MEET UP IN THE INFIRMARY…

“Mingi.”

“Huh?” The blonde boy in question looks up to see San barging into his room, looking as if he ran a marathon to Aphrodite’s cabin (which is exactly what he did). “How did you even get inside?”

San ignores his question. “You have a new brother?”

“Oh, Yeonjun?” Mingi nonchalantly asks, missing the way San’s figure goes rigid at his name as he returns to applying black polish on his nails. “Yeah, he just got here yesterday. Cool guy. What’s up?”

“I think _____’s in love with him.”

“What?!”

[iamadequate1717]

The Breakups

Stede and Ed have three breakups under their belt right now: Ed initiated two of them, and Stede is currently getting blame for one of those. The finale is releasing tomorrow, so hopefully this turns into a moot point, but I'm defending Stede anyway!

Part 2: The Breakups

Note that Part 1 is here:

This 2x7 breakup is likely to be over in 2x8 (.... I say less than 24 hours to the premier and trying to act like I'm a prophet...), and with rule of three, I'm going to say that's going to be their last one. Any more Will-They-Or-Won't-They would be tedious, especially since at that point, we'd be at about one-third of the series with them "broken up," and they need to start communicating as a couple already, but this oscillation is what makes OFMD unique isn't it?

Their breakups are about them as characters: the first time, Ed leaves with Calico Jack; Ed realizes his devotion to Stede but Stede has his fears confirmed... which rolls into the second breakup (Stede doesn't have those fears resolved early enough, and Ed feels like a discarded plaything), which rolls into the third. They need to address the fears and insecurities together and not spiral out on their own. I'm guessing (and using what HBO has shown us) that Ed gets his assurances early, and hopefully, we can put an end to this internal catastrophizing so they can face the world together.

Love, the emotion, may be easy, just like breathing, but a couple is still two people with different experiences and different needs, but real life relationships take work (...I say as a happy single person...). Romcoms end with the First Kiss, fanfics end with the First Sex, but OFMD seems to be carrying us through the growing pains of the relationship. Happily Ever After isn't a magical state that is achieved once you tell each other that you love the other, but so many pieces of media treat that as the end, but OFMD is treating it as a middle. Often times, it feels like the couple is just playing musical chairs, and if they're a couple when time runs out, they're going to be a couple forever!

In S2 speculation, it was not infrequent that people were imagining that the S2 cliffhanger would be Ed and Stede laying eyes on each other for the first time with a fade to black. That isn't interesting. We don't want these two to run out the clock.

But I want to look at the breakups specifically. Let's look at 2x7. Spanish Jackie lays down the truth to Ed, but he doesn't seem to latch onto the big point: does Stede know that this regular guy, no more pirate, part isn't a phase?

"He said at the academy..." Stede was dealing with other things, and from what he saw, Ed went back to piracy. To be fair also, the Revenge doesn't do much piracy itself, so Stede hasn't seen Ed's dissatisfaction first hand. A lot of audience anger toward Stede is an audience who saw the environment 2x1 and 2x2, who saw Ed in the gravy basket, who saw Ed's bored asides with Izzy. They're treating Stede as a member of the audience rather than as a character within the story. Stede didn't see any of this. Most of his interactions with Ed was cutesy fluff. Stede knows he likes being near Ed, but they haven't spent much time talking about deeper topics.

On what Ed does with the breakup in 2x7, I'm bringing up this line from 2x4, when they briefly spoke like adults:

Ed shutting down the conversation and not letting Stede give explanations isn't fair to Stede, but it continued with the third breakup: in 2x7, Ed leaves Stede with some emotional whiplash. Stede was just having one of the best days of his life and was met with an Ed who refused to explain what was going on. When you look at what just Stede saw, it was utterly baffling! My post on that:

And then Stede insulted Ed's fish, thereby making him History's Greatest Monster, amiright?

Ed basically screams that fishermen and pirates are so different, it would be like if a mermaid and a bird tried to have a marriage. It's a self fulfilling prophecy at that point: cut Stede out completely so they have no chance to grow their lives with room for the romantic relationship. (And really, for those criticizing Stede, how do you respond correctly off the cuff to a random statement like that?)

This is devastating: Stede has completely cut himself out of his old life. He left Barbados for Ed, not for piracy. He laid out his feelings, and he made himself vulnerable to Ed. Just hours after being intimate for the first time, he's coldly told it was a mistake, and his sad face at that statement:

He doesn't run off in tears to have a breakdown like I would! He instead is reasonable with Ed: they can define their relationship however they want, but Ed cuts off any possibility of any relationship.

Stede does not know what's going on. I'm really confused what people who are "so mad!" at Stede here would expect of him, provided they only know what Stede knows in universe. Stede just wants to talk and work on their relationship together. Ed wants to start a new career, and more specifically, a life completely separate from Stede.

No, Stede doesn't respond to that pirate line, but he gave the immediate response to the part he cared about more (and likely replayed the conversation over and over in his head later with improved responses, as we do).

Stede does not run after Ed here, but why would he? He's told the audience directly that he thinks Ed is better off without him.

Lucius tells him, "Maybe the time he spent with you is the best it's ever going to get for him," and again, Stede directly tells the audience that he doesn't believe that.

This is not a man with high self esteem. Remember him being ready to be executed and being told he's the worst pirate captain ever? He thought that was fair.

Ed cuts off their relationship, and Stede thinks he deserves that, that Ed realized he was better off without Stede. So Stede lets him go.

On their breakups, the first one was short (Ed's back the same episode!), but the second happened at a season break so there was more time for fandom speculation. We all saw the theories, and a too common thread was "Will Ed forgive Stede??", and we saw the speculation that Stede should prostrate himself before Ed and beg for forgiveness, no matter how long it took. It simplifies the narrative, but is that the show we're watching and is that fair to Stede?

Stede instantly forgave Ed after choosing Calico Jack over him in front of everyone; the second breakup was longer and they had more time to do the whole negative self talk thing, but Stede still did deserve more grace, didn't he? With Season 2 (and its truncated run time!), we saw the criticisms that Ed forgave Stede too easily, but did he? They're on friendly terms, but there is still a wall.

See Ed's time in the Gravy Basket. The first three episodes were the Soup Show. It symbolized family or warmth or whatever (...I say as a robot who doesn't understand human feelings...), so it's a standout that Ed calling the soup poison is his feelings about accepting that warm domesticity, not something literal about Hornigold. He opened himself up to someone, and all he got was heartbreak and confirmation he was unlovable (and he was too scared to do anything about it).

And this is followed almost immediately by the baller line about a man being brought down in the place where he had definitely chosen Stede for the first time.

In the Gravy Basket, we had the metaphor on the feet (no shoes = death, shoes = life... there is good meta running around, but I'm too lazy to find it). Ed gains one shoe (putting him between life and death) when Stede starts to be led to his body, and Stede brings life to him (shoe shot!).

Stede is an anchor to life at this low point, but that doesn't mean that Ed completely forgives.

In Season 2, we don't have the Gloves as Metaphor with Ed anymore (half gloves when he meets Stede, no gloves at the academy, full gloves when he goes full kraken), but he still has other cues on how his feeling about Stede. We don't have the casual touches of Season 1, and everything feels "off." We're lacking in the tenderness, and Ed still is keeping his distance.

Ed and Stede have held hands this season, but not in a romantic way.

When we get to the romance, Ed doesn't put his hands on Stede's skin/hair like Stede does for him (production stills don't count!). In the third kiss, he pushes Stede's collar up as a barrier.

With what the audience was invited in for their love scene, Stede is visually more exposed and ready, and Ed is more distanced and closed off (that is NOT to say that Ed wasn't into it...).

Everything is close to what it should be, but it's not the perfect expression of love exploding across the screen. Something's off. The audience can pick up on it, and Stede, our autistic king, may subconsciously feeling it, but he is taking a lot of it at face value. (They slept together! They're a couple and an unbroken team now!)

On The Sex, is this the first time that Stede has received (verbal) concerns about his welfare in the series? He was told he was a monster, a plague, a defiler of beautiful things, and he's just been trying to live his life with no one refuting that even in a small way.

Sure, Ed said his fake heads idea didn't suck.

Sure... uh.... Ed said he wasn't a girl?

He gets some affirmation, they do something to help them feel alive almost losing each other, and he's intimate for the first time with the man he loves. Everything is going great! But everything instantly flips 180 degrees a few hours later. He's been holding it together well most of the season, even after thinking that Ed is literally dead, and y'all shouldn't judge him for a few mildly harsh words said without thinking. He feels foolish and used and heartbroken, and his bad day has just begun.

I hope I can get some thoughts up on the last part of 2x7 before the finale, but until then, here's some bonus sad face Stede during their first breakup, where Ed broke up with him in front of everyone! Everyone saw it! ("Never left" psh, likely story.)

How can you not be sad when he's sad??

We'll see what the finale does with them soon. Overall, I'm happy so far with Ed/Stede in Season 2. The rest of it... eh, Lucius/Pete is my happy spot. I'm hoping we get a good Ed/Stede payoff in the finale, and that we get to see more of their growth as a couple in Season 3 (manifesting!). It's rare that a show/movie/book/etc focused on just a romance sticks with the couple after that "finally together!" spot, and I want to see what this writing team does with that settled romance.

[valkyrieofsmut]

Hey all! I did plan to have some post scheduled to go out today, but i was unable to set them up 😅 sorry! Lol, I'll try to get them set up for either tomorrow or Friday.

I'm also sorry that I've been gone for a while! We've just been getting more and more bad news the last few months, and today, we got even more. It's really bad. So, I'm going to be kinda busy for the next... unknown amount of time. Going to miss the stream this Saturday, too, but hopefully I'll be able to come back the next week. Hopefully everything doesn't go catastrophically wrong *knocking on wood* 😅😅😅😅😅😅😅

Anyway, i hope everyone is doing well and having a great day/night, whatever it is, wherever you are, as many times as you read it lol.

[cyclogenesis]

The past couple of years most of my writing has been in the form of book reviews in which I'm, tbh, not afraid to be extremely critical (my two most liked reviews are among my harshest 1/2! they love it when I'm a hater) and now that I'm actually finishing a story for the first time in 2.5 years it is SO interesting the effect this has had on my fic writing. It's always been easiest for me to think in terms of what I don't like or want (usually in relation to life choices) rather than the more nebulous and broad aspects of what I do like, especially with a verrrry novelty-driven ADHD brain (what DO I want? idk lol probably something new and differently stimulating that I haven't come across yet) so I would think that would just make it more difficult to create because you can't build something new out of what you're trying to avoid.

But it's ended up being really helpful because I notice things like structure and pacing a lot more, and being able to articulate what I identify as bad in those areas has I think greatly improved my ability to step back and see a story from a distance - to see the whole shape of it, and figure out what I'm trying to say with it/what it's about, and thereby more easily see what I need to do to fill it out so that it gets my point across. It's also been helpful because there are a lot of books out there that I think are badly written, or have catastrophic missteps that should have been caught by literally any editor along the way, and yet those books still land on the shelves, while here I am over here like "what if people think I didn't completely justify the inclusion of temporary vampirism in this MCU fanfiction story I'm posting on the internet for free, and that the tonal shift from situational comedy to rough sex is too jarring, and they think the story sucks, and that I also suck?" What then?! Well, nothing. It's all fine, and as I know from seeing all the five star reviews on books that I think are an egregious crime against the written word, most people just aren't reading that critically, nor should they be, because who cares. Anyway, hopefully I'll get this thing posted before I go to bed tonight. Writing!! AAAAAH!!!!

[simlicious]

Saw a bunch of beautiful knitted patterns on Pinterest and got inspired to make a few new knit patterns. They are among my favorite patterns to make! Now some word vomit, I just feel like the need to ramble today...

I noticed that I really suffer from performance anxiety regarding making CC for Sims 3. It has been building up the whole year, and it is especially bad now that Simblreen is around the corner and the Christmas season is coming up too. On tumblr, people mostly post their accomplishments, not so much their failures, and it makes me think that everyone is so much more productive! I see people participating in Simblreen daily prompt challenges, or making/publishing CC for Simblreeen, and feel sad and inadequate in the face of so much success. I manage to make a couple of things that never really see the light of day, and I feel guilty about it and feel like I let people down😿 At the moment, I can really only make CC for the sake of making it (making patterns is a meditative process for me) and I cannot seem to complete the whole process of publication. I guess if you follow me you are not expecting anything you see appearing as a download soon anyway, but sometimes I really struggle with that. I am really sad about this, but I have always struggled with my perfectionism and intrusive negative thoughts that make the process harder. I sometimes think my patterns are not really needed. The lack of CC that is tailored to Sims 3 specifically (that recolors better than conversions) adds to the feeling that I am becoming obsolete, and my anxiety feeds this feeling. I guess I feel much less motivated to try if there are few things that you can use my CC with, and collabs seem to be much more popular for Sims 4, and I really want to make meshes to accompany my patterns, but I just get stuck in the middle and cannot continue, it sucks so much! The last time I attempted to make a super cozy sweater, I wanted to bake nice textures for it in Blender, but it just wouldn't work it out and I got so frustrated, and the automated bone assignments are subpar for highly customized meshes too. Then I wonder whether my meshes are any good in the first place (sculpting folds and such is really hard to get right!). Now most people seem to work with geoms instead of TSR workshop's WSO format, and I have a hard time understanding how everything works. I would love to assign bones in Blender and such, but I also want to use Blender 3.x and keep up to date instead of always using ancient versions for everything. Tutorials are often for older versions. My brain wants to do things a certain way and it's really frustrating sometimes! Learning from tutorials whilst having a different version of the software is making the process much more difficult. At one point, I had 4 different versions of Blender installed, but is so annoying to have different versions for so many things.

I am using a medically prescribed app now to hopefully help with my anxiety and it currently teaches me that anxious people tend to think negatively and catastrophize. This is definitely true for me, and it keeps me from actually trying out things because my brain tells me I could fail and why waste that time. Actually doing things while the brain throws you curveballs all the time is taking a lot of energy too. Maybe this is part of why I abandon my WIPs, because I cannot muster up the energy anymore to work on them. I often have great ideas and start on projects, and then lose the motivation or energy. I envy people who are able to finish their projects 😭

If you have any tips on how to keep going even with negative thoughts and obstacles in the way, I'm all ears.

[apologetic-artist]

More Pizza Parlor Catastrophes AU!!

I'm thinking about making some ref sheets soon for the characters and hopefully make an ask blog. I REALLY wanna do that. Anyway, here is a drawing I did of the gang. I was too lazy to shade -_-"

The guuuyyysss

(Individual drawings of characters under cut)

Tony looks a little wonky due to the fact he was covered up a bit

[secreterces5]

🦋 Hi, I'm Charlie! This is my art blog! I also have a main (secreterces-charlie), a turtle blog (teenagemutantninjatrauma) and a somewhat DST oriented blog that is more like a second main (charlie-charlie-yes-i-am-here).

🦋 I mostly post Don't Starve and TMNT art right now, as well as attempts at original stuff :)

🦋 I do commissions! If you'd like to learn more about those, head on over to here 👉 https://secreterces5.carrd.co

🦋 I also have a ToyHouse for all my OCs and sonas and whatnot, because I keep making more, unfortunately!

⭐ General organization tags! ⭐

#🌹 charlie's art ;; #🌹 oc art ;; #🌹 self art ;; #🌹 charlie's animations

#🌹 chareblog ;; #🌹 my friends' art! ;; #🌹 other people's ocs

⭐ Ongoing stuff! ⭐

🌹 2k3 separated AU - a TMNT 2003 Separated AU! Mikey is a Timestress, Leo is a Foot Ninja, and Donnie is missing entirely. Raph, after growing up with only his dad, decides to try and find his brothers!

🌹 Revolution Radio AU - a fic I'm writing on AO3! The 2003 ninja turtles start a radio broadcast!

🌹 AHC AU - art for the Actions Have Consequences AU, co-written with @/violetvulpini on AO3, about president Bishop accidentally adopting Cody Jones and the Dark Turtles after the Fast Forward season.

🌹 Clone Zixx Theory - art operating on my headcanon that Zixx is a Bishop clone. Mostly made this tag for adding context to my art, not gonna lie.

🌹 TCAJ - To Catch a Jackdaw, a to-be-published original story of mine about different worlds intertwining and causing magical events of catastrophic proportions. Currently involving characters Aran, Flip and Iotash.

🌹 the haters club - a roleplay inspired scenario between me and a friend where several no-longer-human people team up to be racist against monsters who literally did nothing to them. they make each other worse and are besties. Currently consisting of DST Charlie, TMNT Stockman and Bishop, and TOH Belos (and Lilith, kinda?)

🌹 Survivor Charlie AU - a Don't Starve AU where Charlie is somehow dethroned and now one of the Survivors!

🌹 Magician Interview! - small DST snippets of Charlie and Maxwell's life before... well, before.

Graveyard of unlikely-to-be-elaborated-upon-right-now AUs under the cut 👍

🌹 Spider Queen Charlie AU - Maxlie but they're cannibalistic spider hybrids

🌹 DST pirates AU - Maxwell is a somewhat struggling pirate captain. Wilson Higgsbury never wanted to be a pirate but ends up having to work with one anyways. They seek out the pirate queen for help, but unfortunately, there is relationship drama involved.

🌹 Understarve AU - An Undertale AU of Don't Starve Together. Wilson Higgsbury, a human, loses his way and wanders into a world of monsters. Maxwell and Charlie are plant monsters, studying magic to hopefully one day free monsterkind.

🌹 Spilled Beans AU - A Don't Starve AU where Maxwell tells Charlie everything. They are doomed, either way.

🌹 Stolen Blessing AU - Philza Minecraft is an angel committing crimes. It doesn't work out great for him.

🌹 The Sun Can't Stop Us AU - An Apritello Rise of the TMNT AU based on the Greatest Showman movie where Donnie is an acrobat and April falls in love with him.

🌹 UDOA AU - Unwanted, Dead or Alive! A Fast Forward AU in which somehow, Leo is the only ninja turtle left standing as his family goes missing and their disappearance is pinned on him. With the help from the Dark Turtles, he now has to clear his name and find his family, all the while looking for the true culprit behind this and bonding with his kind-of-sort-of brothers.

🌹 Old Man Mikey AU - The year is 2275, and you have just graduated under your master with the title of chūnin. "Who will be my new master, though, sensei?" you inquire, unable to contain your curiosity. Your sensei names a person that you frankly didn't even think was real. "The Ancient One, of course." (Or, Mikey became the Ancient One long after Fast Forward.)

[avelera]

Just wanted to pop in and say a big thank you for "giving sancturary" which currently has me be the fucking throat. I love soft and in love dream and hob as much as the next, but this spin on them is so!! interesting!! theres a lot of really really good angst and examinations about dream "accidentally standing hob up" by getting trapped, but i havent seen many about their early relationship where dream essentially saw hob as an experiemt, fully expecting him to suffer and go insane, and then slowly coming to realize that was kinda fucked up and he actually likes this guy. i love it!! so much!!

Ah, thank you so much! I'm a big history nerd so I definitely have a preference for digging into Dream and Hob in the past over sticking around in 2022, there's just so much to play with, and the story changes so much depending on which century we canon-divergence them into ending up together (because I am physically incapable, for the record, of writing them in another era without them ending up together forever and ever and ever lol, the centennial separations are just too heartbreaking for me).

But yeah, Dream in 1389 is absolutely gleeful at the prospect of Hob descending into misery and madness after a century of life and that is genuinely deeply fucked up of Dream and incredibly cruel given that Hob has done literally nothing to him and even worse, continues to do nothing to him but offer him his friendship like over and over. Even in 1389 when Dream sidles up to their table and interrupts the conversation Hob is having with his friends like the absolute weirdo that he is, Hob is immediately pretty polite to him given Dream is actually being pretty rude! Yeah, Hob's a bit sarcastic with the "Yeah, yeah that's right," but since Dream just wandered over to him intending to drive him insane with torture him for a century I think I can accept a certain amount of light sarcasm from Hob in response, and then Hob goes on to actually be a bit protective of Dream! He tells him to ignore the mockery of his friends, he plays along with Dream's admittedly batshit and intrusive question.

So anyway, I absolutely love to explore how, as Dream starts to actually like this guy, the guilt would hopefully begin to dawn on him of just how badly he treated Hob, how he'd hoped to actually literally destroy Hob's life over nothing but an overheard joke in a tavern in a conversation that Dream was absolutely not a part of and that Hob could not have possibly known was rude with Death standing there (though, the moment does ring of the sort of Greek Tragedy morality where insulting a god even if you don't know they're there beside you can earn you a fate worse than death, but that's really the only thing Dream could pin on Hob).

And I think I'm not just being shipper garbage when I think that Dream would agonize over telling Hob the truth of this someday, even though it's such a huge part of how they first met so it is very relevant to Hob to one day know this part of the story! And I think if/when Dream finally got up the courage to come clean, Hob would find it hysterically funny! Like, not a catastrophe at all, it's very humanizing that Dream has this mean, bitchy moment and of course, it all worked out, and Hob got his heart's desire of immortal life out of it and he got to prove Dream wrong and he won Dream over eventually! And as others have noted, it might even be a relief for Hob to learn this all happened because of a mean, bitchy little moment on Dream's part and not because there's some grand destiny waiting for Hob, he didn't mess up immortality, he actually won.

Anyway, I have a lot of feelings about this, clearly, I'm so glad you're enjoying the story!

[firelord-frowny]

yall these last several days have been THE! WORST!!!!

or idk, not the worst lmao i tend to try to save catastrophic language for actual catastrophes these days and since nobody is dead or maimed, i guess "really really sucked" is the better way to describe it.

but anyway. it really really sucked so bad that i dont even feel like properly ranting about it, so here's a bulleted list of the suckage. -Had (probably) the flu for like two weeks. Missed two weeks of volunteering and one week of work. -Felt better! Volunteered. Went to work. -Throat got sore in the middle of the night. like i literally FELT it get sore in real time. felt it swell. -Sore throat morphed to include an ear ache. -Also felt nauseous several times throughout the day. -went with my mom to go pick up groceries and also one single item to hopefully expedite my recovery (those lil emergen-c supplement drink packets) and somehow wound up getting yelled at about what an inconvenience it is to ~have~ to make a 20 minute round trip to pick up groceries that included something for me🙃 i literally would have just done an instacart order like i usually do but we already needed groceries and that is the only reason i put it in the grocery order so i guess that somehow means that its My Fault the household needed groceries and i guess a 20 minute trip is the worst fucking thing a person can be bothered to do on a sunday afternoon. i mean nevermind the asparagus and the yellow squash and the cornbread mix and the condensed milk and the walnuts and the clam strips and the bananas and the whole grain cereal and the canned vegetables and the frozen berries and all the other shit that aint have JACK to do with me, bc my vitamin c supplement made all of that moot and the sole reason for going to get groceries was because im a needy piece of shit whose better off idk dying of meningitis or soemthing, idfk.

-had a virtual ~urgent care~ visit. got prescribed antibiotics for what's probably a sinus infection gone nuclear. that was yesterday.

-today! throat still hurt like a bitch. couldn't really eat or drink much but I had an apple and some water before taking a dose of ibuprofen.

-went to work. started getting a migraine on the way. benadryl often takes the edge off of my migraines so my dad (who was giving me a ride to work) agreed to swing by a store and pick some up after dropping me off at work, and then swing back and bring me the meds.

-HOWEVER! you know what the first thing i did upon pulling into the parking lot at work was?

-puke. A LOT. big ol pile of puke in the parking lot. disgusting.

-called the front desk and let them know that i in fact made it to work but that i just vomited my guts out in the parking lot and should probably go home. they were like, "yikes, yeah, definitely go home, please feel better soon" and canceled all my students for the day. I'm Extra Upset by this bit because 2 of my students have missed a lot of lessons recently (one because they were on vacation, another because there were no lessons on 4th of july, another because a different student canceled, and one because i was sick) and i really really really want to keep as much consistency as possible both for the student's progression, and for increasing my chances that they'll keep me as a teacher. and i also had one new adult student that i saw for the first time last week and am super bummed that i already had to throw a wrench in his new experience learning an instrument.

anyway,

-throat was still hurting like a BITCH and i obviously needed to eat and drink especially since i THREW THE HELL UP EARLIER so i made another virtual urgent care appointment.

-got through the entire intake process as far as submitting all the forms. all that was left was for someone to call me and confirm all the info.

-i get the call! confirm the info! the lady says she'll send me a link to the visit as soon as we hang up.

-BUT THEN she asks me if i'd had a virtual visit the day before for the same reason, and i said yeah! and then she says! that i can't have a virtual visit because blah blah blah they cant do telehealth appointments for one patient for the same reason in less than 7 days! which like! ok i guess but PERHAPS THAT COULD HAVE BEEN POINTED OUT WHEN I SELECTED THE REASON IN THE INTAKE FORMS 15 MINUTES AGO???

-but whatever! okay fine! so i made an appointment for the in person clinic and was able to be seen relatively quickly.

-everybody was super nice (literally all of the medical people i've dealt with over the last two days have been super nice) and one of the desk ladies told me i have a "really sweet voice" and that made me Happyyyy and so i told her how happy it made me and that it meant an extra lot because i used to have a violin teacher who would tell me my voice was annoying and the lady was like "omg wtf" and i was like "i know right? i was like 13" and she's like "daaaaang wtf!' and im like RIGHT???

-even though i was able to be seen relatively quickly it still took kind of a long time for the nurse practitioner herself to get to me, but once she did, it was smooth sailing from there. covid, flu, and strep tests were negative. prescribed me prednisone for the sore throat. took my first dose in the clinic. picking up the rest of it from a pharmacy tomorrow.

-its now 3am as i type this and my throat is feeling significantly better. took my 3rd dose of antibiotics earlier tonight, along with some tylenol, since apparently ibuprofen can have some reactions with prednisone, and since my throat at that moment was still pretty sore. but i think by now i can finally EAT SOMETHING so thats what imma do, and then imma *samuel l jackson voice* Go The Fuck To Sleep.

[lnc2]

i know this won't sound like a revelation and i mean maybe it's not because of course i've known i've been living it but like

pet death is so fucking painful and real and constant

like losing rory was like losing a part of myself and even when i was at my worst (hospitalized) i still felt guilty for being so distraught and even though it's been nearly six years this december i'm still so easily triggered and can be set off if i'm not expecting certain reminders or anniversaries and like

yeah a bunch of other things happened around that time and the way it happened really cemented the Trauma and deeply embedded it into my body but i don't cry for my pets from childhood the way i do for rory

and i think about losing toby and i just... can't handle it?

and i've finally accepted or believe even though i've always Known it's because they're with me always. like your pets, especially the ones that are v present and interact w you in a v real way and are so smart and have their own personalities, they're yours, they're your kid, they're your best friend

i don't spend time with anyone the way i spend time w my dogs. i told/tell them everything, i schedule my days around them.

good morning toby, how's my boy, are you hungry, did you sleep well? i have a doctor's appt today, i'm anxious about this, can i have a hug? do you want to go to the park? let's watch a movie, i have to go out of town but i love you, are you feeling okay? do i need to take you to the vet? am i just being crazy? is this my trauma or my instincts telling me you're sick?

every year with him is one more year without her and one more year closer to being without him and just

i grieved rory the week she died before the accident even happened just sobbing like i'd lost her even though i had no reason to and didn't even know why i was crying and then i lost her bc no one believed me when i said she was sick and i didn't advocate or fight hard enough for her until it was too late.

so now toby slips when trying to jump on the sofa or sighs too much or his nose is runny or whatever and i'm on the verge of a panic attack and calling my mom to make sure i'm not being crazy before i schedule an emergency vet appt and just how do i know what's my trauma and what's my instincts? i don't know when to trust myself anymore all while knowing i can only trust myself.

i'm neurotic about his health, his environment, who he's with. if i can't have him in a place i can 100% control and guarantee is safe then i want him with people i know will take his safety as seriously as i do because they know if something happens to him i will lose it, catastrophically, wholly, entirely.

there are ways rory is still with me that are good and then there are ways that are very much... not.

idk if it's just because it was her and the how and when of it all but the end result was just complete and total devastation of my entire world. and i know it will be the same with him so even though he's happy and (hopefully please god hopefully) healthy i spend most of my time worrying that i'm not doing enough even though all he wants to do is to lay at my feet and play tug of war.

maybe it's bc i live alone, but idts i was crazy about her even when we lived w roommates, and i know i'd be the same with toby and i don't even know if i could trust someone to live with us anyways because would they see all the potential disasters as naturally as i do and make sure nothing happens? would they care like i do?

idk. rory's birthday was this past week and i was so exhausted from wedding stuff i don't think i was feeling any of it consciously but i'm feeling it tonight bc anniversaries are really hard even the happy ones, even so many years later.

everything with rory was a fight and a challenge (so so worth it, i've never connected w anyone spiritually like i did with that damn dog) and toby for all his size and sometimes annoyingness and for all that i resisted loving him the first year i had him is mostly so easy even when you think he shouldn't be. idk what it says about either of them but i think the universe sent him to me because they knew i needed a hardy dog, one that was sturdy even though he is a giant baby, and one that would take my anxiety and just let it roll off of him because everything after that left me so so fragile.

i'm sad she would have been eight. i'm said she never saw three. toby is five and will be six. numbers like these play through my head always. i've had him longer than i had her and yet and yet and yet

i keep telling myself i shouldn't still be crying this many years gone but it feels so new and so now whenever i think of her so i try not to think of her (my therapist says it's PTSD) but then i only remember the bad and not the many, many good.

it's okay i'm still sad, or something stronger than that. i love her and that's good and it's okay to cry. toby is taking care of me and i'm taking care of him and hopefully in many many many years they'll take care of each other.

i just needed to get this out, somewhere, i know it's disjointed and doesn't have a point but so are my feelings and i just wanted to acknowledge them even if it was only to myself