#anyway so we were living together in this absolute dive of a house. i slept on the couch; she and both kids shared a twin bed together

[fingertipsmp3]

Last night I had a dream that me and my best friend were living together and it was super not going well lol

[plus-size-reader]

Out of His Mind

Henry Bowers x Plus size!reader

Word Count: 1669 words

Warnings: language?

Summary: Henry has a crush. 

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It should have come as no surprise to anyone that you were the way you were.

After all, living with Patrick your whole life meant that you figured it out or he would have probably smothered you with a pillow by now. It was no secret that Patrick was standoffish and violent, everyone in all of Derry knew that.

What they didn’t know was that he, in no way, rivalled your hatred of the entirety of the human race.

The two of you were clearly related through that alone, though that was about as far as the similarity went.

Where Patrick was a textbook psychopath, deriving joy from any form of suffering, you didn’t seem to find it in anything. You were just angry all the time.

As best he could tell, you always had a disgusted grimace on your beautiful face, keeping to yourself whenever possible, unless you had some venom to spit in Henry’s direction.

...And for whatever reason, you had him all twisted up inside.

It didn’t make any sense, seeing as Henry had never felt that way about anyone but whenever he was around you, he felt ill, in the best way.

It was like a spell had been cast on him, and it made him even more dumb than before. The worst part of all though, was that you somehow remained absolutely blind to it.

That, or you didn’t care.

For the longest time, he was sure that you hated him and maybe you still did. In any case, nothing could keep his stomach from doing cartwheels whenever you were together.

Together being a term used lightly.

Really, you only ever spent time with the ‘Bowers gang’ when you absolutely had to but that was more than enough for Henry to be sure.

There was just something about you.

...And he was determined to figure out what it was.

Today, Patrick offered to have the guys come over after school, suggesting they fuck around at the quarry for a while before hitting the town. Your parents weren’t going to be home, after all, so they agreed.

Which meant that as soon as Henry and the others entered your house, you knew about it. No one else had a key to the side door of the garage.

“What are you losers doing here?” you groaned, rolling your eyes from where you were sitting on the couch, watching bored as Belch chucked something at Vic, narrowly missing his head.

It brought a small smile to your face, which you were quick to force back down. Perhaps if it had actually met its target, you would have laughed.

Luckily, Belch’s aim was about as good as his grade in chemistry. “We thought we’d come spend time with you. s’that okay?” Henry started, noticing the way your eyes lingered on his for only a moment before you looked away.

You didn’t even bother to answer him, though you didn’t have much of a chance anyway before Patrick swung around the corner and lobed a coke can at your head.

“We’re going to the quarry, you wanna come or is that stick lodged too far up your ass?” he cackled, not even seeming to care one bit that the can could have burst all over the place.

Though, to be fair, you cared about as much when you tossed it right back at him, hitting the wall just behind him.

“You’re a fucker, Pat!” you growled, that mischievous glint in your eyes making it hard to tell if you were really upset with him or not.

It wasn’t until you stood from where you’d been sitting that it registered to Henry that you could potentially be coming with them. It wasn’t that big of a deal, but for some reason, it made his palms sweat.

You hadn’t come with them to the quarry for quite some time, and the five of you weren’t kids anymore.

“Let’s go. I’ll leave all your asses here” you barked, having apparently decided you’d be going before heading out the door, not bothering to wait for any of them.

Without missing a beat, all four boys followed, leaving Henry to bring up the back, his hands feverishly wiping at his jeans.

He tried to convince himself that this wasn’t going to be that big of a deal, and that there was no reason he should be nervous, but that wasn’t doing him much good.

Really, the more he tried to stop thinking about you, the more his mind snapped right back to you, sitting in the backseat.

Henry was trying his best to be casual in his admiration, watching in the right side mirror as you fiddled mindlessly with the fraying knees of Vic’s jean but if he wasn’t careful, he was going to get caught.

Honestly, Belch had already taken note of the way Henry studied you but chose to keep it to himself.

Pointing out something like that would not only subject him to Henry’s anger, but also yours and Patricks and that wasn’t something he was willing to deal with right now.

So, he turned up the music on the radio and kept driving down the road until he pulled up to the private confines of the woods around the quarry.

“Did you bring a bathing suit Squirt, or what?” Patrick asked, much too late to have actually been of help to anyone, going so far as to use that terrible nickname.

If looks could kill, he would have been dead already.

“No, I’m not stripping down in front of your pervy friends dipshit” you huffed, shooting Belch a wink from where he was looking at you from the rearview.

It was all in good fun of course, but mostly, it was just payback for Patrick being Patrick.

“Yeah right, like any of these guys would wanna touch you with a ten foot pole” your brother jabbed, your full on sibling bickering filling the backseat in a matter of minutes.

Really, it was just a number of thinly veiled threats and insulting one another's mother even though she was the same woman. Neither of you cared for technicalities.

Patrick was a bitch and you only wanted to make sure he knew that about himself.

~

That was all that happened from the time Belch parked the trans am to the time when Patrick and the others were all diving off that cliff into the water below.

You chose to remain perched on a rock, letting what little sun you could tolerate to bathe your skin. It wasn’t until you heard a twig snap behind you that you perked up, taking notice to the fact that someone was clearly out here. As best you knew, the guys were still in the lake.

Still, you wouldn’t have put it past your shithead brother to try and toss you over the side while you were too relaxed to notice.

Though, when you actually turned around, it wasn’t Patrick standing where the sound had come from. It was Henry.

“What are you doing? Sneaking around like a creeper” you asked, rolling your eyes before leaning back down against the rocks. You would never admit it, but you were most comfortable around Henry.

He was a no shit kind of guy, which you could respect, but he wasn’t downright vile like your hellspawn sibling was. He was a good middle ground and you could respect that.

Not that you wanted him watching you from the woods in any case.

“I wanted to ask you something,” Henry started, watching you crack one eye open slightly to look at him, silently prompting him to continue.

You had never had patience for idle small talk. If he had something to say, he could do so without wasting precious seconds of your life.

“Without the other guys” he clarified, briefly waiting for you to point out that it was a given before punching him so hard in the bicep with those rings you wore that he’d have to leave.

...But that never came.

You just sat there, bathing in the sun like a cold blooded predator, waiting for him to get on with it.

Henry had to swallow thickly before speaking, taking in how peaceful and gentle you looked when you were relaxed. He assumed it was a Hockstetter thing, because Pat damn near slept like a baby.

The whole lot of you were sneaky bastards though, so he didn’t trust it for a second.

“You wanna see a movie sometime? Or get a burger? Just us” he asked, earning a snort from you immediately though you stopped laughing as soon as you saw him.

The sight you opened your eyes to was almost alarming.

Henry, shit-talking, knife slinging Henry Bowers, looked like a scared little puppy. You had never seen him anxious or worried before but even you didn’t have it in your heart to tease him.

He was being serious.

“Like a date?” you clarified, genuinely confused for a second. Why would Henry want to go out with you? By all accounts, you were personality deficient, and that was a badge of honor you wore proudly.

...But no one in their right mind would sign up for that willingly.

Maybe that was the whole point though, maybe that was what it was about Henry that you found so strangely endearing. He was out of his damn mind.

When he nodded, you made up your mind.

He was absolutely deranged, fully crazy, but you were just about the same. “Sure, I’ll let you buy me a milkshake some time” you shrugged, closing your eyes again as your way of shooing him away.

You both knew that if he didn’t get back to his friends, they’d come looking for him and whatever he had going on, that wasn’t a good look.

Not that he cared right now.

Henry got the date, and you didn’t even spit on him when he asked. By all accounts, that was a success in his mind.

[taexual]

i’d love you to stay but that’s simply insane // JJK (1)

        jungkook is an uncontrollable lead vocalist of the campus band, and you’re a goal-oriented top student that’s known his rich and complicated family since childhood. you don’t want anything to do with each other, until each other is exactly what you want to do.

pairing: jeon jungkook x reader

genre: college au

warnings: strong language, accidents caused by drunk driving (DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, DRIVE WHILE DRUNK OR AGREE TO RIDE WITH SOMEONE WHO’S DRUNK!!!)

words: 4.4k

                       chapter one.

The music coming from the stage was deafening and headache-inducing but the ambience of the club itself was absolutely energizing, and you kept switching between regretting the decision to come here, and thanking your roommate for convincing you to. Glancing at the girl next to you – she’d already finished her fourth drink and you weren’t sure if she realized it because she seemed to be hypnotized by what she was seeing on stage – you smiled even despite knowing that you’d be stuck helping her battle a killer hangover tomorrow.

“It’s crazy,” Inna said suddenly as if having read your thoughts, “isn’t it? I mean, they’re driving the whole club insane, look at them!”

You did look but not at the band on stage. The second floor of the club provided you with a great view of the first floor and the sight of your heavily intoxicated and barely legal peers dancing so close to the stage, they were nearly on top of it already, distracted you – it always amused you to see the duality of the top students in your class.

“Yeah,” you said. “But Parental Advisory brings the insanity with them wherever they go. I saw some people who brought actual posters to the club.”

“Shit, I should have thought of that,” Inna said, hitting herself on the temple with her palm in disappointment.

“I don’t even get it,” you started and your roommate was already groaning. Even drunk, she could recognize the tone of your voice when you were about to complain. “I mean—”

“Come on, you said you wouldn’t complain!” she whined.

“I said no such thing,” you disagreed, “and I’m not complaining, anyway. I’m just saying how they’re nothing special. Everyone’s only listening to them because they’re the only band on campus.”

Inna looked like she wanted to argue – like she’s done a million times before – but then she decided to let it slide and finish her drink instead.

“You’re only saying that,” she pointed out then, the straw of her cocktail still in her mouth, “because you have a weird prejudice against their lead vocalist.”

You raised your eyebrows with a skeptical scoff. “Jungkook? I don’t have anything against him. I just think he’s an overrated, arrogant asshole.”

Your roommate glanced at the stage again, seemingly losing herself in the performance for a minute, before she agreed to give you the benefit of the doubt, even though she always suspected that there was something more there – she knew you and Jungkook had history and she felt like your open dislike for him was concealing your deeper feelings.

“He may be arrogant,” she said just as Jungkook tossed the towel he’d used to wipe the sweat on his forehead off into the crowd, “but that’s just because he’s aware of how good he is.”

“Or maybe it’s because his dad owns a successful business,” you said, “and he’s just an entitled heir.”

“Sure, that could be a factor. But being an heir wouldn’t make those girls so devoted to him,” she was only half-joking as both of your gazes immediately fell to the side of the stage where a group of girls was already waiting for the performance to be over.

“There’s always a crowd of girls wherever he goes,” Inna continued, her eyes glistening. She chuckled then, “and, let me tell you, word is, they’re never disappointed.”

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes even despite having heard the rumors on campus as well. It wasn’t that the members of Parental Advisory slept around – or maybe they did but they weren’t ones to brag about it – but they knew what to give their audience to make them satisfied. That included their shows on stage and their parties back at their shared house – a notorious place already, known all over campus as the only spot where a party could stay alive and burning all throughout the weekend.

“Do you think his groupies leave reviews?” you slipped into sarcasm without meaning to. “Do they rate his performance on and off the stage out of five stars?”

“No, are you seriou—okay, that’s enough for me. I’m going to get another drink,” Inna stood up, choosing to focus her energy into having a good time rather than trying to get you to see the band from her point of view.

You debated stopping her -- she’s already had more drinks than she could handle -- but the determination in her eyes as she turned around and crossed the room towards the bar stopped you. You didn’t dare to interrupt a woman on a mission.

Finishing your own drink as you waited for her to come back, you took this time to focus on the atmosphere of the club. Despite the fact that Parental Advisory was, obviously, not one of your favorite bands, they did play good music – even if you could already feel a headache creeping in – and, there was no denying, they definitely knew how to put on a show.

You watched Jungkook lean into the crowd with his mic stand, his white shirt almost see-through from his sweat – and everyone who was close enough to touch him went wild. It was almost as if he ignited wildfires inside of them with his eyes – just one look and everyone around him dropped all of their inhibitions and started to live.

You knew of the effect he had on people even before he joined the band as you found yourself reminiscing about all the times you’d listened to Jungkook play a very strained version of Für Elise on his grandfather’s old piano. He’d always look at you after he finished playing and the glitter in his eyes made you feel as though you’ve just listened to the most harmonious melody in the world, even if his family’s cat wouldn’t stop hissing, begging him to stop and get away from the piano.

Somehow, listening to Parental Advisory – even though they favored alternative music and stayed clear of Beethoven – always brought back the memories of Jungkook at the piano. It softened you until you started to understand why every person at the club was completely at his will, responding to his every gesture, and, for a little while, you could relate to them as you followed Jungkook on stage with your eyes.

You didn’t like these memories – they lowered your walls against your will – so you were glad to get distracted by Inna as she plopped back down on her seat next to you, a new drink in her hand.

“Man,” she said and then took a sip, “if I’d brought a poster too, maybe we could have gone to the after party.”

Of course she wanted to go to their after party. When it came to Parental Advisory, after parties were basically a part of their performance, so she couldn’t just leave in the middle of it.

“You can still go even if you don’t have a poster,” you said, already coming up with a plan of how you were going to get home after the final song ended. “It’s not like their parties are exclusive.”

“Well, they sort of are,” Inna said. “It’s different when you just show up to the party. The people who matter arrive with the band. And they usually invite some of the girls with the posters backstage after the show.”

“The people who matter,” you repeated with disgust, “I hope you realize how pretentious that sounds. You’re not a loser if you don’t roll up to the party with the band.”

“It’s—okay, maybe it’s a little pretentious,” she said. “But I’d still like to be a part of that crew. Or, at least, arrive with someone.”

She wasn’t trying to conceal her wistful tone and even if she was, she probably wouldn’t have been very successful, because her wish to get a glimpse into the inside world of Parental Advisory was obvious in her eyes as she watched the band play out the final chords on stage.

Despite dragging you to gigs like this nearly every weekend, Inna was, all things considered, a good friend and you felt like you owed her this one thing because tonight really wasn’t as torturous for you as you may have made it seem.

You still couldn’t help but sigh before speaking to let her know how difficult saying this was for you (all so she wouldn’t expect you to do this every time you went out, really), “I suppose we can go to the party together. I’ll make sure you don’t feel like a loser.”

Her whole face lit up as she turned to you. “Do you mean it? Because I’m too drunk to recognize it if you’re mocking me right now.”

“I mean it,” you said sincerely. “If you don’t mind arriving with me instead of the band.”

“Oh, who cares, the band will be inside,” she dismissed her previous stance immediately, “thank you! I’ll make sure to repay you by getting you a clean cup of beer so as not to repeat my last mistake.”

You squeezed your eyes shut, frowning as you tried to resist the memory of Inna’s last mistake that involved accidentally making a cocktail of beer and tequila and then leaving you to fend for your life as you battled a hangover that seemed to last the whole week.

“Let’s not go there,” you said, “I’ll get my own drinks this time. Or, actually, maybe I’ll stay sober. One of us has to.”

Inna chuckled. “Good! I think it’s a little too late for me to do that.”

As it turned out, your roommate wasn’t the only one who got drunk way before the after-party started, because, by the time you returned to campus and reached the large building Parental Advisory lived in – courtesy of their rich parents, of course – everyone there was already wasted and in the middle of a very intense game of how-many-stupid-things-can-I-do-in-one-night. The guy who dived head-first from the roof into the jacuzzi in the backyard – no clothes on him whatsoever – must have been winning.

“Did you see that?” Inna laughed, her eyes lighting up like a child’s in the presence of candy. “There’s a reason why people won’t shut up about the parties here.”

“Hmm,” you looked around, more concerned about the girl from your Philosophy class who was attempting to do a keg stand all by herself. “But how do they not have accidents here? Everyone’s drunk out of their—”

“Oh my God, there they are!” your roommate squealed as she stopped walking suddenly and you automatically bumped into her. She turned to you, completely unbothered by the fact that you’d made her spill half of her drink. “Do you want to say hi to Jungkook?”

You lifted your gaze until you saw the four members of the band make their way towards the kitchen – which was, conveniently, directly behind you –  and then scoffed.

“Not at all,” you said as the group approached. “But even if I did, watch how he successfully ignores me.”

But your expectations weren’t met as Jungkook – still mid-laugh about something someone had said to him – stopped right in front of you.

“Oh!” he looked surprised to see you, but not nearly as surprised as you felt when he stopped to talk to you. Inna had stopped breathing as she watched you from the side and, frankly, you thought your lungs had given out, too. “Nice to see you here. Having fun?”

You hadn’t talked to Jungkook in seven years at least – a lucky number, one would think – and now that he was suddenly addressing you again, you weren’t sure if you’d ever learned how to talk at all.

“Sure,” you ended up saying because what else was there to say? “I like what you’ve done with the place. Before the party started, I mean.”

He laughed, giving the space that was once his living room – but was now a dance-floor with a couch that was nearly tipped over by some couple that was making out on it – a good look and then turning to you again.

“Thanks,” he said. “My mom took care of it.”

“Of course,” you let it slip. Acting like you didn’t know him was obviously not going to work because you did know him, and you knew very well that his mother was an interior designer because she was the one that designed your parents’ house, too. “Hope she’s doing well.”

“She is,” Jungkook said but it sounded a lot like the automatic response you’d given him before – “sure, I’m having fun at this party” – and he realized that as he cleared his throat, “she, uh, she’s still in touch with your mom, I guess, yeah?”

“Well, they’re best friends,” you said. Once again, your mouth opened before you could control yourself and every single word came out sounding overly sarcastic and borderline snotty. It was like you were trying to live up to his arrogant nature while he was pretending to be humble. “Anyway, it’s, uh, good to see you, I guess. I’m going to—”

Your eyes were already on Inna – who was no longer as amused by Jungkook as she had been moments ago, and was currently ogling Taehyung, another Parental Advisory member, who was talking to someone a few feet away from her – and you were already in the middle of taking a step past Jungkook and towards her, when he suddenly grabbed your forearm, stopping you.

The act – or, his touch, to be precise – shocked you so much that you turned to him with parted lips but weren’t able to express your surprise out loud.

“Wait, you guess?” Jungkook asked, sounding oddly amused. “So, it’s not really good to see me, then?”

For a moment, you didn’t understand what he was saying at all – because you weren’t thinking what you were saying when you spoke to him – but then you realized and pulled your arm out of his grasp.

“I’ve made small-talk with at least a dozen people I didn’t know before tonight,” you said, “it’s been good to see them all.”

“You know me, though,” he insisted, grinning now. It was like he listened to the sarcasm in your voice but deliberately chose not to hear it.

Still not really sure why he was talking to you now of all times – you’ve been going to the same classes for three years now and there have definitely been opportunities for you two to interact but you both ignored all of them – you figured he was just bored. Doing the same thing every Friday night – performing and then going home to get drunk with strangers who basically worshiped him – was bound to get tiring after a while and maybe he was looking for new ways to entertain himself.

“I knew you,” you clarified, not wanting to become his newest form of entertainment.

He shrugged, seemingly unfazed by the seven years you’d spent not talking. “You still do.”

You scoffed and were clearly about to disagree, so he jumped in before you could.

“We can always catch up,” he said with a nod towards the kitchen. “Let’s get a drink.”

“Why?” you asked. You couldn’t help it, this was too weird.

“Why not?” he countered, ever the opportunist. You didn’t reply. “What’s with the frown? Do you still plan everything out in advance? Should I make an appointment with your secretary before you can agree to get drinks with me?”

You felt the frown he’d mention deepen as your skeptical expression turned into a full-on scowl. You didn’t appreciate being mocked.

“You should,” you said. “But, fair warning, I’m booked until graduation.”

You were already turning to walk away – and noticed that Inna had disappeared – but, once again, Jungkook pulled you right back in by speaking louder.

“Aw, that’s disappointing,” he said in a way that made him sound more excited than disappointed. “Won’t you make an exception for an old friend? You used to.”

You felt goosebumps rise on your skin as he said this but didn’t even attempt to defend yourself. He had always been the exception to everything in your life – no matter how busy with homework you were, no matter how many school events the student council needed your approval for, you always made time for him – and, somehow, that came back to bite you in the ass.

“I haven’t talked to you since we finished middle school,” you said, purposefully not sticking to the day in discussion for too long or Jungkook would have undoubtedly used that against you, too, “lots of things changed. I only make exceptions for the people who matter now.”

Jungkook – who was absolutely going to discuss your middle school graduation in great detail if you’d stopped talking after you mentioned it – grabbed his chest and threw his head back dramatically.

“Ouch,” he fake-moaned, “that’s really cold, you know. I’m just trying to reconnect with you.”

“I think you have more important matters at hand,” you said, finally finding an excuse to walk away – it came in the form of three girls who had appeared by his side, evidently too tired to be waiting for his attention from across the room.

He hadn’t even noticed them at first – which was surprising, considering how strong the scent of their combined perfumes was – but, as soon as he turned his head to finally look at them, you walked away.

Instead of being annoyed by your abrupt exit, however, Jungkook seemed to grow even more amused. This was the first time you’d left him hanging – things really have changed.

“I’ll call you!” he called out across the living room but you didn’t turn back so he assumed you didn’t hear. Sighing, he turned back to the girls by his side. Taking the one closest to him by her hand, he pointed towards the kitchen. “Ladies.”

When you finally turned around to look at him – because you did hear what he’d said – he was already guiding the group of girls into the kitchen and filling their cups. An unexpected sense of disappointment settled in your chest but you tried to shake it off.

He was the one who decided it’d be better if the two of you stopped being friends at the beginning of ninth grade. It couldn’t have taken him seven years to change his mind.

A loud commotion outside distracted you from the conversation you’d been having with someone who, apparently, lived in a dorm room across the hall from yours – funny how you haven’t even seen each other before tonight – and you both turned to look out of the window.

“What the fuck was that?” you heard Yoongi, another one of Jungkook’s bandmates, ask himself, as he hurried past you. “Is that fucker fighting again?”

Your heart rate picked up as you realized that the “fucker” in question must have been Jungkook. Thinking rationally, you knew you had no reason to go out there and check what was going on, and yet the possibility that Jungkook was in a fight – and not for the first time, apparently! – was enough to send you right after Yoongi, until the two of you stopped in the backyard, both looking around to see what was causing the loud noise.

“Do you see him?” Yoongi asked you, too drunk – and too busy looking after his lead vocalist – to question why you were outside with him when everyone else settled on watching the scene play out through the windows of the house.

“Why do you think it’s him—oh. Yeah, I see him,” you pointed to a black car parked at the far end of the backyard – clearly, the car belonged to one of the members – and Yoongi saw Jungkook as soon as he turned to look.

Frankly, it was hard not to see Jungkook because he was being unceremoniously thrown on the hood of the vehicle by a guy that was about twice his size. And yet Jungkook seemed so much more aggressive than him as he pushed himself off the car and attacked.

“Fuck,” Yoongi muttered briefly before breaking into a sprint. “Jungkook! Shit, get the fuck away from him. What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!”

Profanities continued to spill from his mouth as he attempted to break the fight up. You found yourself running to catch up with them – which was a blessing for Yoongi because he struggled to hold the other guy back when Jungkook kept throwing himself at him – but you didn’t dare to intervene just yet.

“What are you doing?” you demanded – no one paid any attention – and then cleared your throat before trying again, louder, “Jungkook!”

Still, the boy was far too focused on his opponent – who was being cradled by a huffing Yoongi – so you had no choice but to step in – literally – and place both hands on Jungkook’s chest, pushing him back into the car roughly.

Taken off guard, he stumbled and fell on his back, landing on the hood of the car yet again and nearly taking you with him as he had angrily grabbed your wrists before he fell. He was seemingly ready to push them away before he looked into your eyes.

“Fuck,” he exhaled as soon as your gazes met, his grip on your wrists softening but not disappearing as he held your hands against his chest that moved up and down, his heart beating rapidly under your fingertips.

After waiting until his heart rate slowed down just slightly, you pulled your hands out of his and stepped away so he could stand up from the car.

“What the hell happened?” you asked. You could feel yourself start to shake but it wasn’t due to the chilly evening air.

“He’s being a dumbass again, that’s what happened,” Yoongi snarled, pushing the guy he’d been holding back off of himself and glaring at him and Jungkook both. “You need to get your shit together, man. I’m sick of looking after your sorry ass.”

The last part was directed at Jungkook who groaned, pulling the sleeves of his hoodie down. The guy he’d been fighting spat on the ground, gave him one last frustrated look, and returned to the party. Jungkook looked like he was going to yell something at him but Yoongi cursed loudly and gave up right then and there, turning around towards the house.

“I don’t need you to look after me!” Jungkook yelled after Yoongi, who pretended not to hear him as he walked away, and then – much to your surprise – the younger boy threw the driver’s door of the car open.

Confused and seriously concerned, you watched Yoongi leave before turning back to look at Jungkook. “W-what are you—”

“Just go!” he snapped at you as he got into the car.

“You can’t drive!” you protested in panic, grabbing the door before he could close it.

“I can do whatever the fuck I want,” Jungkook snarled, looking at you with a fire so prominent in his eyes that you ended up letting go of the car door out of sheer surprise. You’d never seen him like this before.

And then, as you turned away from him for just one second, searching for Yoongi – surely, he’d come back to stop him – Jungkook started the engine of the car.

You swore under your breath, knocking on the window of the car but it brought no response from him. “Jungkook! You can’t—”

He said something and you automatically stopped pounding on his window to listen. The engine of the car was drowning out his words and you expected him to lower his window and repeat what he’d said, but Jungkook used the moment when you took an unconscious step away from the car, and pushed the pedal.

You swore loudly as you watched him drive away, running your hands through your hair in desperation. For the next minute, you watched the car maneuver around the front yard clumsily and then drive down the main street. When he disappeared from your field of vision, you pulled your phone out from your back pocket but you didn’t know who to call.

Looking around again, you realized that Yoongi had gone back inside, and suddenly, you weren’t sure what would be faster, calling the police so they’d be on the look-out for a drunk lunatic behind the wheel or finding the rest of the Parental Advisory members so they could hopefully find a better solution.

But before you could reach a decision – it all seemed to happen in a split-second, honestly – you heard a loud crash. With your heart immediately falling down to your stomach and then plummeting all the way down to your feet, you ran across the yard and towards the main street, hoping – praying – that the sound was unrelated to Jungkook.

And yet, as soon as you stopped on the sidewalk and looked down the road, you saw the same black car right there, next to where the road split into an intersection. It had been forced to stop by a lonely lamp post, the view of which was partially blocked by a large tree trunk, but even so, you could tell that Jungkook had slammed the car right into it.

Struggling to breathe, you listened to people pour out of the house. They seemed to be much more alarmed than they’d been when they first heard someone fighting.

You didn’t think you could move.

“Call an ambulance,” you whispered, your eyes glued to the smoke that was coming out in dark, angry swirls from underneath the totaled hood of Jungkook’s car. “Someone needs to call the ambulance!”

Your own phone was lit up with the number of the police that you’d dialed mere seconds ago but you couldn’t find the control in your fingers to press call. Then, you heard cursing and realized that the people from the party weren’t going to help. They didn’t even consider helping.

They were running away. Escaping from the accident which seemed to them like the perfect reason for expulsion from university. They no longer wanted to be a part of the special club that got to arrive to Parental Advisory parties with the members of the band themselves. 

Inhaling deeply, you realized that no one else was going to do this for you, so you finally managed to pull yourself back together again.

You pressed your phone to your ear and with each beep of the dial tone, you cursed the Parental Advisory parties more and more – they were an accident waiting to happen. An accident so awful, it could erase seven years of silence as you hoped Jungkook would be able to talk to you again. 

keep reading | masterlist

[thomotomo]

Umm i see you accept actor request, can i request logan lerman with male reader? It can be about their first trip together and also their first time since dating because they need the right time. And also reader the one that lead (and also top) while making sure logan relaxed. Maybe just praising and go slow? And aftercare? It's okay if it take long, i will wait for it :) thx btw

A/N: Heya! Thanks for requesting that fic! I’m sorry it took me a little bit of time but I hope you will enjoy it nonetheless :) There might not be a lot of praising but I hope you like it anyway ^^ I’m not very good at smut yet haha

Words: 2.3K - NSFW

Logan Lerman x Male Reader

“Finally!” you thought as you left the plane, hand in hand with your boyfriend. This year had been quite hectic for both of you, Logan had to shoot in a lot of movies, and you had been quite engrossed in the movie you were planning to direct. Actually, you had started dating around mid-March, after meeting him on set and discussing with him (and going to “dates” in each other’s trailer, though it was complicated with how much work you had and

You couldn’t go to many dates because both of you had decided not to engage in such activities in public yet. Logan and you just left complicated relationship and agreed on taking your time to be sure you really enjoyed each other’s company before actually doing a date together to be seen from everyone.

And now, here you were, walking inside Tokyo’s airport to retrieve your suitcases. Once you got them, you took out the little notebook with all the addresses of the places you would stay at and the ones you decided to absolutely visit with Logan. Logan started to lead you towards the subway so you could buy the tickets you’d need to go to the place you were going to live for the next few weeks before moving to another town to visit.

He was looking confused at the machine to take the ticket while you were figuring out which subways you had to take to be the closest from the house than you could. Luckily for both of you, you had studied Japanese in order to avoid being completely lost for when you would be in Japan. Once you found the right path to take you went back to Logan and took the tickets.

He looked at you with a gentle smile and kissed your cheek. You grinned and helped him with the luggage. You spent an hour in the different subways of Tokyo, as the airport was quite far from the place you rented, but of course you didn’t mind much.

You arrived in front of the house you rented in Adachi City, the house was quite beautiful, the outside looked pretty modern, but the walls hid a path that was in a typical Japanese style. You went to knock on the front and meet the landlady who greeted you with a smile. You bowed a little bit and she tried to formulate a little bit of words in English when you smiled and started to speak in you rusty Japanese. Hearing that she brightened and seemed relieved she won’t have to use google translate or something else.

She made you visit the house and after discussing a little bit more, she gave you the keys and left. Now that you were alone, in your cocoon for the next few weeks. You really loved the look of it, the perfect mix between traditional and some modernity. Most of the rooms looked traditional except for the kitchen that was pretty modern. Logan walked closer to you and put his arms on your shoulder, softly kissing you on the corner of your lips.

“Finally we’re able to spend some quality time together. What do you want to do today?”

“Obviously not a lot of things, maybe we can arrange the house to start and then go to sleep? You’re not tired?”

“Mmh I guess so… I think the adrenaline of being in another country help a lot.”

You smiled at him and kissed him softly on the lips, savouring this moment of peace and the knowledge of being far away from work and from everyone associated to it. Logan sighed when you stopped and you caressed his cheek, still smiling.

“C’mon, if you’re tired you can sleep a bit on the couch I’ll be unpacking the suitcases.”

“No, I’m not letting you do that all alone love! Maybe we can take a shower and we can sleep. Then tomorrow we’ll start unpack!”

You nodded, accepting his proposition and took one of his hands in yours.

“Good idea sweetheart.”

You lead each other towards the bathroom and started to run the hot water. While you were doing that, your boyfriend went to the suitcases taking your pyjamas. Once the tube was filled with hot water you started stripping, right as your lover came back. He whistled, making you laugh.

Logan took off his clothes too and you both went inside the burning hot bath, sighing in pleasure as the hot water attacked your skin. You hadn’t showered in more than 24 hours and being tired from the trip didn’t help you much but now you felt quite relieved.

Logan sat himself between your legs, his back on your chest and you smiled and wrapped an arm around his waist and kissed his shoulder. You stayed in the bath for a while, discussing and washing each other. Once you were fully clean you left the bath and dried yourselves with big, soft towels and put on your pyjamas.

You didn’t have time to stop at a shop and buy some food, so you decided to order typical Japanese food.

After half an hour the doorbell rung to open it while Logan trailed behind you, excited for the food. You discussed for a few moments with the deliverer and then closed the door.

“Do you know that you’re insanely hot when you speak Japanese?” says Logan as he wrapped his arms around you, kissing you between your shoulder blades.

You took his hand into yours and kissed his cheek.

“C’mon little simp, let’s eat!”

“Why are you mean to me?”

“I’m not mean love! That’s just the truth.”

He laughed as you sat on the ground, putting all the food on the table, Logan sat next to you and hummed as the smell of the miso soup and other hot food. You took out the chopsticks and gave a pair to Logan and quickly muttered a “bon appetite” before diving into the food. After a few bites both of you looked at each other with comical wide eyes and you stated:

“Holy shit this is the best Japanese food I ever ate!”

“Fuck yes! I won’t eat sushi that aren’t straight from Japan anymore!”

You had a great time eating and once you were full you went to brush your teeth and go to sleep. It was a bit weird as first because you slept in a futon for the first time ever but adapted quickly as you fell asleep with Logan’s head on your shoulder in 10 minutes.

The next morning you were awaken with soft kisses all over you face. Your eyes fluttered open and you smiled at the sight of Logan’s face close from yours. The other male winked at you and put a leg over you body and was now seated on your hips, smiling cheekily.

“Good morning to my favourite boyfriend.”

“I’m your only boyfriend Logan….”

“I know! And this is why as the boyfriend of the most beautiful man in the world I decided to woke you up to have a little bit of fun time together…”

You felt your face heating up and the blood rushed straight to your dick, poking Logan’s ass. The man laughed softly and looked at you with a certain glint in the eyes.

“Ooh you like this idea right? What are you waiting for then?”

You suddenly didn’t felt sleepy anymore and you flipped him under you  taking him by surprise and making him wrap his legs around your waist. You now arbored a predatory grin on the face, one of your hands slipping under his shirt, softly caressing his sides. You leaned toward him and kissed him slowly but deeply. One of his hands caressed your cheek as he sighed in pleasure. After a few minutes of intense kissing you separated your mouths and your lover panted.

You didn’t waste any time and started to kiss his neck softly, nipping it and leaving some marks behind it. You smiled as he whimpered whenever you nipped at his neck, your free hand trailed until it reached the top of his shit.

“May I?”

“Of course…”, he nodded in agreement and sighed.

You sat on your knees and started to open his pyjama shirt button per button. Logan’s breath hitched as the cold air hit his skin, you helped him fully taking off the clothe and started to caress his torso. One of your thumbs brushed his nipple before pinching it lightly making the man under you whimper.

You couldn’t help but chuckle and decided to play with him a little more, while your right hand was playing with his right nipple, you used your mouth to suck and bite softly the other nipple. After a moment you switched nipples enjoying teasing him. He gripped your hair and between to moans:

“S-Stop teasing me! C’mon…”

You laughed and softly bit the nipple and stopped your teasing. You took off your shirt and pants while he took of his own pants. You grabbed some lube and squeezed some on your fingers you used your free hand to caress his waist and kissed him softly.

“Are you sure you want to do it?”

“Of course? love, I really want to do this with you..”

You couldn’t help but feel the blood rush on your face, he had this effect on you whenever he gave you cute nicknames. You kissed him once again and brought one finger near his entrance, you tried to help him relax by entering the tip of your index inside him, kissing him and massaging his hip to help him relax to the new intrusion.

Once your finger was fully inside, you stopped moving for a moment, to help him getting used to it, when he nodded again you put a second finger and started to work him open, helping him loosen up.

He was moaning under you, nearly begging for more, it was the first time he had ended up in a gay relationship, so he was still getting used to having an intrusion in him. When he told you, he was feeling ready you lightly bit his neck and went to take a condom. You took off the wrapping quickly and put it on your dick. You also put some lube on it to make the penetration easier.

You positioned yourself between his legs and led your dick toward his ass, putting the tip inside. You heard Logan take a sharp intake of breath. You kissed his forehead looking at him, silently asking him if he was alright. He nodded, allowing you to continue to penetrate him. It took you a few minutes of slow penetration for you to be fully seated inside of him.

“A-AH! (Y-Y/N)!”

“You’re doing good sweetheart, taking me like that… Tell me when you want me to move.”

Logan put his head against your shoulder, asking you to start moving, which you gladly did. You started with slow movement, helping Logan getting used to the movements, then after a few moments you picked up the pace and your boyfriend started to moan more and more loudly. Yourself you couldn’t help but groan in pleasure, his virgin ass tightening around you with every movements. You picked up the pace and going a bit more deeply in him, your dick brushing against his prostate. His hands were on your back, scraping it, the pain that it procured you, making you moan.

Both of you were moaning messes and you were biting Logan’s neck, giving him hickeys and enjoying seeing them turning purple. He was panting under you and you were doing the same. Your movement stayed quite fast, but it was hitting deeper inside him no longer brushing his special spot, now making him seeing stars. He was tightening around you and you snaked one of your hands around his penis, jerking him slowly so he wouldn’t come yet.

He was moaning your name desperately, pleading for you to allow him to come.

“Good boy, keep moaning like that and you might came tonight.”

After teasing him for a little while more you flickered your hand one last time, making him come all over himself. He tightened around you more harshly than before, making you come in the condom.

You both were softly kissing each other between two pants, and he looked at you with love and kissed you once again before announcing:

“That was wonderful… Thank you a lot.”

“It’s normal, it was your first time with a man after all…”

He nodded and you gazed at him lovingly kissing his cheek before withdrawing yourself from his ass. You kissed his cheek and stood up.

“Wait here I’ll be back in a few seconds sweetheart.”

He looked at you, trying to regain his breath. You tied and threw the condom in the trash, then went to the bathroom to wet a towel with hot water to relieve him. When everything was good you went back to him and washed his come from himself and softly massaging his thighs to relieve him from the pain he could feel.

When he told you everything was good, you put the clothe away and went back to him, under the covers. You helped him put back his pyjama and you did the same; he put his head on your torso, his hand caressing your torso. You kissed the top of his head as you felt his breath calming down.

“Thank you for that again...”

“It’s nothing Logan, I’m glad you trusted me enough to be okay with me doing that to you.”

“I’m happy to be with you and to spend the next weeks with you.”

“Me too. I’m glad we can spend time together outside of work.”

He smiled at you and you kissed each other with such love that in that moment you felt like nothing existed beside you two.

[perseusjackson-jasongrace]

Empires on the Horizon XVII

Jason is a CEO: Part XVII

masterlist; my links

we are not big grand gestures,

we are little moments

—strung together

on a polaroid wall—

instances that freeze

in time;

timeless anyway

—badpoetry

[image has alt text]

Helping his friends had never been a difficult choice. Even now, three days into what was supposed to be a relaxing holiday, he didn’t feel anything but the overwhelming urge to “sort it out”. Despite the fact that he hadn’t taken more than a day to himself in three years; despite the fact that he was halfway across the world from his home and the people he loved; despite the fact that it was his ex girlfriend who asked for help; despite, despite, despite, that he had woken up this morning with a man who looked like a god and smelt like cool forests and laughed like he was born with an instrument in his throat, wrapped around him. They were all arms and legs and skin. So much glorious, glowing skin. Brown, golden, freckled, smooth, soft, calloused.

And still all Jason Grace could think was, “I need to help her.”

“Percy,” He whispered, “Angel.” How could he disturb such a creature of peace. It seemed almost immoral.

Long black lashes blinked and fluttered, before blurry green eyes trailed the room lazily landing on him. “Well, if it isn’t a good morning indeed.” His gaze travelled the length of their bodies, drinking in the entanglement of their limbs. That voice was made from rolling hills and crunching gravel.

He couldn’t help the smile that fell to his lips as he watched his friend stare at their bodies. “Pretty isn’t it?”

“Ethereal.”

“I have to get up.”

The pout that greeted him almost crumpled his willpower. “Do you have to?” Green eyes were wide. They looked like emeralds under a microscope. Detailed in their pleading. “I can actually stay in bed today. We can have breakfast together, right here.” A brown hand patted the sheets, right near his own fingers. He felt the heat of their skin but nothing touched him.

“I have to help Zoe.” He wanted to snuggle under the duvet and bury his face in the crook of Percy’s neck. “She needs me.”

“What if I need you?” There was no judgement on that beautiful face, just curiosity and mild concern.

“Do you?” He breathed. His lungs were folding in on themselves.

There were several beats of quiet, filled only by their gentle breathing, and the thundering of his heart.

“No.”

Jason cracked in half. He became the canyon in the desert. He became the earthquake in the house. He became the bridge with no rope. He snapped a million times.

“Oh.” The answer was small, and broken.

“I will love you though.”

The world exploded. Jason saw stars become blackholes. Jason became a new universe entirely.

They looked at each other and suddenly he saw the thousands of lives they had lived. He saw the thousand more they would still live. Most especially he saw the one they were living right then, and it was the most beautiful of all.

“Shall we order breakfast?” It was the only thing he could choke out. He would send Reyna’s number to Zoe. They could sort it out. He was here. He wanted to sort himself out.

The beam that graced his friend’s face was worth every screaming thought in his mind that riddled him with guilt.

They both got up to freshen up before diving back into bed, shoulders brushing as they scrolled through their phones and let the sound of a peaceful morning wash over them.

He had thought it would be at least a little weird to be sleeping next to a man he only knew for a year but it felt like some part of him had been comfortable with Percy since the day they were born. Everything was easy: from the way they sat, fitting besides each other, gravitating towards each other; to the things they talked about; every silent question had an answer, every story had shared feelings. Jason knew he wouldn’t fall in love; he would stroll towards it, confident, assured, and excited for the moments to come. He would not look back, not even once.

Breakfast came in a flurry of silver trays and mouth watering smells. They pounced on it as soon as the door shut. Croissants, and pastries, and fruit, and yoghurts. It was a feast that could carry them through the next week. He should have known Percy would order the entire menu.

“Strawberry my good sir?” A brown hand waved near his face, offering him the bright red fruit.

Jason opened his mouth, closing his teeth around the berry which burst with sweetness in his mouth. He couldn’t stop the hum of appreciation that vibrated his throat. The sparkle in those green eyes made him wonder if he should keep making those sounds.

“Are you back at the labs today?” He asked around a croissant, distracting his unsavoury thoughts.

“For a little, and then i have an onsite meeting with the coastal guards and lighthouse keepers.”

“Oh are they a big part of your job?”

He hummed “They know the area and the patterns of the sea better than anyone.”

There was a light in his eyes that made Jason wonder if he ever looked as full of joy when he was talking about his own work. His friend pulled him out of his thoughts with another fruit offering, mango this time.

“I don’t want to talk about work,” He frowned contemplatively. It was rather unfair that even with a crease between his brow, and his mouth quirked Percy still seemed to look like a model, or a god, or something from a Studio Ghibli piece. “Tell me your happiest memory from the last year.”

He leaned back against the headboard, closing his eyes as he lost himself to the time reel of the year. It felt both a thousand lifetimes ago and one second from now. “I can’t choose just one.” His eyes are glittering with life past. He refuses to let memories fall down his cheeks.

“Choose three, choose five, tell me everything if you want.” Percy’s voice was a rope over the mountain. He was reaching for it even as he fell.

“The dinner we shared at the university.” He starts. One hand caught the rope.

“The day we met huh?”

“The morning Zoe pitched up at my house and made me late for work.” The ground was so close, and he was still falling.

Percy laughed at the implications hidden in his answer.

“When we danced at the club, I’ve never felt so alive in my life.”

He heard the soft intake from his friend, surprise and… something else coating their thoughts.

The rope was strong under his fingers and he was pulling himself up with ease. When he opened his eyes again, it was to find green ones staring directly at him.

“Do you ever wonder what could have happened if time had slowed down even a fraction of a second the night we met?” The question had sat on his tongue like salt, cutting his tastebuds.

“I’d drive myself insane thinking about all the ways we could have been.” Percy said lowly “I prefer,” He swallowed thickly. Jason wanted to trace the bob of that throat with his tongue. “I prefer to think about all we can do now, now that we can.”

“I think I’ll die if you break my heart.” The fear crystallized him like sugar in a cooling pan. It was the one bridge he still wavered on.

The black-haired man took his hand, fingers cold and warm, and gentle. With a softness that bowed his fear Percy placed Jason’s hand on his chest. His heart was steady, thumping under his palm. He felt the assurance of comfort against his skin. He felt at ease.

“This will belong to you one day,” His friend said quietly, “And when it does it will be fully and completely and without restraint.”

He couldn’t say anything, he couldn’t even breathe. All he could do was feel that constant beating heart, and the warmth of a chest, and the glimmer of emerald eyes, and the first blooms of a new beginning.

“I cannot break your heart Jason Grace,” Percy brushed a thumb across his cheek, “Because I will be breaking mine, and my days of self-destruction are long behind me.”

He melted into being and couldn’t help the sigh of happiness that escaped him. If he did nothing else in life, at least he had had this. These quiet minutes that enveloped every fear in a rose scented bag and let the wind take it away. Far, far away.

“Okay.” He finally rasped. His voice was lost to the sea.

Soon after that Percy had to go to work which left him to laze around in their room and snack on the breakfast feast and doze in the warmth of the sun. He didn’t even bother to put on his robe, preferring to feel the rays against his skin, save for the rectangle of boxers he slept in. 

Some part of him wanted to get out and do something but it was quickly squished down by every other part of him that just couldn't do it any longer. Couldn't keep him moving and functioning and thinking.

He summoned up the last bit of energy he could muster and called his lawyer.

“Jason, babe.” Her strong, husky voice ran clear through his speaker, “What can i do for you?”

“Hello Arellano,” He couldn’t help but smile at the familiarity of her. So straight to the point, no nonsense, full of energy. “It’s not actually me that needs your help it’s Zoe.”

“Heavens Grace,” He heard the sigh building in her voice. “I mean I loved her as much as the next and I was sorry to hear you guys had broken up but seriously man how are you helping an ex… again?”

He winced, flashbacks of Luke calling on him again and again even after they had parted screaming through his mind. “I’m not technically helping, I’m just sort of recruiting you to help?”

“What sort of trouble is she in?”

“Her father is forcing her to marry an absolute scumbag of a man.” He scrubbed a hand down his face, “You remember the potential business investor, Octavian?”

“Oh gods,” Reyna groaned, and he couldn't help but share in her sentiment. 

“Yea.” He pulled a face. “Is there anyway you can get her out of this mess and help her with protective immunity or whatever?”

“I’m gonna have to pull some strings and get digging into some seriously shady shit but I think I can.” He heard the grimace in her voice but there was not a trace of reluctance or potential regret. 

“You are incredible!” His sigh of relief was audible enough for the birds outside to imitate it. “I’ll send you her number, and just bill everything to me.”

“You sure?”

“It’s the only way I can help so I will.”

“Then let me get to it.” And then she was gone, already starting the next project.

It’s no wonder they were friends. A bunch of workaholics.

His final call was to Thalia, in which they had a fun little chat that ended with confirmation that Bianca Di Angelo would be paying both Octavian, and Zoe’s father a visit that may or may not result in sudden disappearances and two new people cropping up in another country.

After the morning of maneuvering he couldn't even bear to move from his bed. So he didn't. He wondered if this was what a cat felt like, and then decided it wasn’t possible simply because even cats did more than he had done.

By the time Percy got home, he had showered and was already mostly asleep. Moonlight bathed their bed, the curtains rustled softly, he smelt the sea. The bed dipped just as he drifted off to sleep. 

He didn’t hear the whispered, “Goodnight, my love.” that caught in the blossoms by their nightstands. He didn’t feel the gentle brush of fingers against his cheek. All he felt was peace. His dreams were sweet that night.

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[bluesfortheredj]

The Talk.

Talk of an STD and a little bit of depression ahead. No male named, so will tag all those I write for.

His fingertips glide over the warm skin of your neck, making their way down from your jaw to your shoulder, then he slips your vest and bra straps down to your arm while his tongue swirls around yours tantalisingly slowly. Your hands move from his waist to slip their way up the front of his shirt and eventually clasp together at the back of his neck. The kiss had made your mind go completely blank, but as soon as you feel your other straps fall from your shoulder you’re snapped back to reality with a gasp that breaks you from his lips all too suddenly.

“I can’t,” you breathe, letting go of him immediately and pulling your straps back into position, “I really can’t.”

“Do you not want to be with me?” he asks with a slightly furrowed brow.

“I do! I really do, trust me. But I can’t.”

“What do you mean by can’t? Talk to me, (Y/N), please,” he begs.

This wasn’t the first time you’d almost got caught up in the moment, it was so easily done; especially when he caressed your face so sweetly with his slender fingers while his lips left a trail of fire down the side of your neck. You’d always managed to stop in time though, but you knew your excuses were wearing thin and the truth would have to come out one day, and it was looking as though today would be it. Tears were already building up in your eyes and you knew you couldn’t sob your way through this difficult conversation; he needed to hear every detail loud and clear. No other relationship had got this far because you’d been quick to end things before the need for this conversation would arise, yet things were so different with him, and you hadn’t been able to do your usual dump and run.

“How about you go and sit in the living room and I’ll get us a cup of tea, yeah?” he questions desperately, trying to get you to stay instead of run judging by the terrified look in your eyes.

You nod slowly, “yeah, okay.”

He walks down the hallway, the two of you only reaching the bottom of the stairs anyway, and you watch him until he’s out of sight before sighing and making your way into the lounge and perching yourself on the edge of his sofa. It’s the longest five minutes of your life as you await his entrance and he can’t help but give you a smile when he sees you practically ready to run at the drop of a hat.

“You can sit back and make yourself comfortable,” he encourages softly, “it’s okay.”

“Oh… yeah,” you reply nervously as you shuffle yourself backwards.

“Where would you be comfortable with me sitting?”

“Uh… probably the other end?”

“Right,” he nods, stepping back after placing your tea down on the coffee table in front of you and settling into the opposite corner of the sofa.

There’s a long pause as you think carefully about how to say what you need to without bursting into tears or making a run for the front door to avoid it altogether, and your gaze alternates from him to your cup, then finally to your hands that are fiddling with the inner seam of your jeans anxiously.

“I… I don’t really know how to say this… I’ve never had to do this before… I’ve never come this far in a relationship because I’ve been so scared of this conversation.”

He nods slowly, unsure of whether to say anything or not.

“With you though, it’s different, and no matter how much I didn’t want to face this, I couldn’t bring myself to leave you.”

“Well that’s a relief,” he chuckles.

“I wouldn’t say that just yet; you haven’t heard what I have to tell you.”

“You can tell me anything.”

“You’re going to hate me,” you say, inhaling a sob that was threatening to escape as you reach for your cup.

From the corner of your eye you can see him moving to reach out for you, “no, please, don’t,” you say as you put your free hand up to stop him, “please.”

“Okay,” he whispers, knowing this must be serious.

The hand that lifts your cup shakes as it makes its way to your lips and you take a tentative sip of the hot drink before returning it to the coaster for fear of spilling it onto your lap. You take a deep breath and close your eyes as if you’re about to dive into a pool, then the words that had never left your mouth before suddenly come tumbling out in three quick bursts, “I’ve got herpes.”

You hold your breath and clench your fists as if bracing for impact with your eyes squeezed tightly shut, and your body is completely frozen in place while you wait for some sort of reaction; him getting as far away from you as possible, him grimacing at the thought of you, him shouting at you to get out of his house… the possibilities were endless. It must be only thirty seconds until you feel him moving along the cushions and pressing his body against your side as he wraps an arm around your tense figure, yet it feels like forever, and you’re still unsure as to whether you should relax or not.

“Talk to me,” he encourages softly.

You shrug him off as carefully as you can then huddle against the arm of the sofa until he backs away a little and gives you some space, then you cuddle your cup in your lap and keep your eyes fixed on the liquid inside it as you bite back tears.

“I don’t really know what to say,” you eventually reply, “I’ve never done this before.”

“Talk me through what happened,” he whispers, “you seem to expect me to be horrified at this revelation; why?”

“Because I was when it happened. I felt sick constantly, I was disgusted by myself, it made me feel dirty and repulsive, and…” you pause as you shudder at all those thoughts that had invaded your mind all those years ago, “…it was only the second person I’d ever slept with, despite what this sort of thing connotes. He went down on me, there was nothing visible around his mouth, but when I was diagnosed it was confirmed it was the oral type.”

You have to stop as a sob erupts and the first tears begin to fall down your cheeks.

“When I told him he said he couldn’t see how it was him,” you scoff, remembering how hurt you’d felt when he accused you of lying, “as if I’d lie! Absolute bastard.”

“Oh, (Y/N),” he sighs, reaching out to your back and stroking it gently.

“Then when I confided in a couple of close friends I had one say ‘why don’t you just get with him, then it doesn’t matter?’ and the other who was male said ‘it’s a shame we can’t mess around now’,” you laugh through the tears before returning your cup to the table and dropping your face into the palms of your hands as you heave out one long sob.

He can’t hold himself back any longer and he leans forward to wrap his arms around your shaking body so he can then pull you back to rest against his chest while he lets himself fall against the back cushion, “it’s okay,” he soothes while he runs his fingers through your hair, “shhh. I hope you’re not friends with those people any more.”

You shake your head and he nods in approval, “good!”

“I won’t blame you if you never want to see me again,” you mumble, “I won’t mind if you want me to leave.”

“Leave?!” he laughs, “what are you on about?! Do you really think I’d chuck you out just because of this?”

You lift yourself off of his torso but still avoid any eye contact with him, “I would if I were you. You don’t have to deal with this if you don’t want to; it’s my problem.”

“First off it’s not a problem, and secondly you’re meant to share things when you’re with someone, so anything that’s bothering you is our thing to sort out, okay?”

“You’re being too nice. You can’t say this hasn’t changed how you think about me though, and I understand that you won’t want to touch me; I felt exactly the same. I was scared of my own body for so long, it took me years to build up the courage to touch myself after everything.”

“(Y/N),” he exhales sadly, “I’m not scared, and the only way it’s changed how I think about you is that now I know exactly how strong you are. I’m a little intimidated in all honesty!”

“Don’t be silly,” you scoff, then wipe your face with your hands, “can I use your bathroom?”

“You don’t need to ask. Of course you can.”

You scurry out of the room, still feeling those old emotions laying heavy on your shoulders at your admission, and as soon as you shut and lock the door to the bathroom behind you, you let out heaving sobs as your hands grip the sides of the sink. The shame, the sensation of dirtiness, the thoughts of self loathing all come rushing to the surface so quickly you feel as though you’re about to vomit. You manage to lift your eyes to the small mirror on the windowsill in front of where you’re standing and you immediately see a different person to the one you were expecting to see; you’re older now, stronger than what you’d been when it happened, and the changes in your face only reminded you how far you’d come since then. You take a deep breath before grabbing some loo roll and dabbing your eyes, then you click open the lock of the door and open in slowly. When you get to the living room he’s sitting there with his phone in his hand, his eyes fixed on the screen as his thumb scrolls.

“Did you know that around 70% of people have herpes but only about one in three will have symptoms?” he asks, his eyes not straying from the device, “so I could have it and not even know… plus apparently shedding of the virus decreases after time and after two years and barely any flare ups you hardly shed any of it, so the risk of passing it on is pretty minimal.”

“Yeah… I did know actually.”

“Shit, of course you did. That was stupid of me to say, I’m sorry. I’m just reading up, that’s all, and honestly none of this matters to me…” he pauses as he watches your face carefully and lowers his phone, “but I have a feeling that it’s not really the virus that’s the problem… it’s what it represents in your mind, right?”

You nod in reply; he was completely right and it had taken opening up to someone for you to realise it. There was absolutely nothing wrong with having herpes, you were one of millions, but the stigma and sequence of events that had played out during your time of being diagnosed was what had made you so terrified about admitting it.

“I’m really sorry,” you sigh, suddenly embarrassed about getting so worked up about it all, “that was more than a little dramatic.”

“Don’t be sorry! I’m honoured to be the first, and hopefully only, romantic partner you tell so of course it would be an emotional roller coaster for you. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling things so deeply, especially with everything that went on at the time and the shitty people you had around you,” he stands from the sofa and holds his arms out, “now will you please come here so I can hug you without you trying to escape me?”

You let out a short laugh at his question, “I think I can manage that.”

He leans his cheek against your hair as his arms envelop you into a tight embrace, “so… uh… when we do, y’know, I think you’re going to have to demonstrate what you like. I don’t wanna do it wrong after you having perfected it over the last few years.”

You lean away from him to see his face now slightly flushed, “I’m sure you don’t need any… oh! Right,” you chuckle, realising that he wanted to see you pleasure yourself, “I’m sure that won’t be a problem.”

“I can’t promise I’ll keep my hands to myself though,” he winks, giving your bum a quick squeeze.

You smile up at him then bury your face into his neck as you resume the much needed cuddle and he sighs contentedly as his arms hold your now calm body.

[angstyaches]

Charlie’s Hoodie

Alright, so here’s the first fic where Shayne is living in the Aldridge townhouse with Elliott and Felix (and Nancy and Ryan), which is in a city about three hours away from where Charlie is still living (Mulberry). This is about two days into his stay. It’s a slow-burner and very Angsty. I hope you guys enjoy!

CW; stomach ache from stress, emeto, anxiety, food mention, refusal of food, parental death mention, abusive guardian mention

Swallow the World: Three Boys in a Townhouse

He was supposed to be studying at his brand-new desk in the corner of his brand-new room in the Aldridge townhouse, but Shayne couldn’t recall how long he’d just been sitting there, hands in his lap, nails digging into his palms. It would have been a great time to get some thinking done, if thinking didn’t make his stomach ache.

He’d had a dream that morning, after falling asleep for about twenty minutes between nine and nine-thirty – probably the most sleep he’d had since arriving at the townhouse – and had woken up thinking he was with Charlie, in Charlie’s bed, in the Mulberry house. 

Remembering where he was, how far away he was, felt like a hand reaching down his throat and squeezing everything it could grab. The room had felt cold after that, not that he could do anything about it; it had a radiator, but he’d never learned how to use one. 

He’d pulled on the hoodie Charlie had given him; reluctantly, as the more he wore it, the more it smelled like him and not Charlie.

Thinking about Charlie came with its own stages. The first one was easiest to deal with because it crept in like a warm memory, or a dream. 

A second later would come the rug-pulling moment, as horrible words and disinterested looks would wash through the memory, turning it grey and making the Charlie in his head turn coldly away from him. 

The bargaining stage would come next, and Shayne would wonder if he could fix this still; and then he would remember that Charlie needed Charlie Two more than he needed him, and Shayne was a danger to Charlie Two. Plus, Charlie and his parents would be moving soon anyway.

And he would tell himself this was good, this was the best thing, for him to be here with the Aldridges, but at that point he’d be overwhelmed by the gurgling in his belly and he’d have to stop himself from thinking altogether.

A knock at the door made him jump, and the sound of a particular voice made him wince.

“Hello?”

More time must have passed than Shayne realised though, otherwise Felix wouldn’t be coming into his room to look for him. Shayne gulped and turned his desk chair to the side to see him tiptoe inside.

“Nancy and Ryan are all settled in,” Felix said gently, hanging back, halfway hidden behind the door. “They should be ready for dinner in about ten minutes, if you want to come wait downstairs with us.”

Shayne gulped again. He’d known he’d be meeting with Ryan and Nancy – who were technically his new guardians now – that evening, but he hadn’t thought about the fact that there would be food, and blood, involved. 

He’d managed to fight his nausea until now, but the thought of having to perform and force food down made his stomach feel like it wanted out of him, right there and then.

“Hey.” Felix stepped further into the room and closed the door behind him, leaning back on it with his hands. “You look a bit washed out. Are you feeling okay?”

Shayne frowned, a painful kind of relief flooding his chest as Felix visibly stiffened.

“You know, it’s – it’s normal to not feel like yourself after leaving home,” Felix said, clearing his throat. “It was a long time ago, but I remember my first few days here, when it was all new and I started realising it was my new life.”

Shayne lowered his gaze again, and heard Felix sigh lightly. The mint-haired boy shifted his feet, like he’d been about to come closer, but hesitated. Like he was nervous. Scared. Good, Shayne thought, turning his chair gently. He’d be happier knowing Felix was scared of him; anything was better than being felt sorry for.

Felix gave a low hum. “I felt sick to my stomach all the time, too.”

Shayne hadn’t even realised he’d put a hand on his stomach until he saw Felix’s eyes dart downward. His instinct was to move it away, and he did for a few seconds before he realised it was pointless. He let the hand rest on his belly again, keeping his eyes pinned on the pale wooden floorboards.

“Though for me, it was because of the blood,” Felix chuckled. His voice seemed to get higher in pitch, the more he talked. “It took me a long time to get used to it. Eventually they just had to start slipping it into my tea… Though, I – I guess this isn’t about that.”

Shayne’s stomach took a harsh dive towards the floor, and he had to tense his fingers even more just to keep control of the nausea. If the colour had drained from his face, Felix might not have noticed, or at least didn’t comment on it.

“I was already half-blooded when I got here,” Felix went on, “so I felt like I was bonded to Ryan before I even met her. Not – not that you have to worry about that. You’re practically family already, right?”

Shayne frowned and bit his lip against arguing; Felix was just trying to be nice, and possibly didn’t know anything about the Devines. But paperwork didn’t mean family. Hours clocked under someone’s roof didn’t mean family. Leaving someone in a bad situation didn’t mean family.

“I understand it’s not the same though,” Felix said. “I also had Elli when I came here, so it - it must feel weird, being here without your friend.”

The fact that he’d said ‘friend’ singular, and not ‘friends’ in general, meant that he was talking specifically about Charlie. The name hit as hard as though it had actually been said. Shayne breathed deeply as he felt his stomach churn against his hand.

“You want to talk about it?”

The natural thing for Shayne would have been to make some defensive remark, but he didn’t even want to open his mouth just then. He swallowed thickly and gave a sharp shake of his head. No, he absolutely did not want to talk about anything. How long did he have to sit here in silence before Felix fucked off?

“Buddy, you’re feeling really sick, huh?” Felix’s eyes softened when Shayne looked up at them again. “Hey, I’m positive Nancy and Ryan won’t mind if you take one more evening to rest. They’re reasonable ladies. Most of the time.”

Shayne was suddenly reminded of the heart-lifting relief of being told, as a kid and before his real parents had died, that he could stay home from school if he was feeling too sick. After that, Madelyn and Watson had always decided, on their terms, whether or not he could stay in bed. He felt the admission of weakness burning hot behind his eyes, but decided it would be worth it if he could just go to bed and try to forget the sick feeling in his stomach.

“I’ll say something to them, if you like.”

“You don’t have to,” Shayne mumbled. He cringed at hearing himself automatically try to reject the help that Felix was offering.

But Felix just flashed his little fangs again. “That doesn’t usually stop me. Look – I don’t know. If you’re up for it later, I can come back. We can talk, or – or we can move to my and Elli’s room and just watch T.V. Whatever you feel like.”

Shayne faintly shook his head, barely considering the offer. Guilt clung in the back of his throat, like his words were echoing inside him before he’d even said them. “Just leave me alone, Felix.”

Felix turned his head to stare at the floor too, so silent that he might have stopped breathing altogether. “Sure,” he chirped after a few seconds. “If – if that’s what you want.”

Shayne waited for Felix to leave before lying down on top of the blankets. He spent a few minutes like that, muscles clenched but not quite shivering from the cold, before finally getting into the bed.

He lay on his front and closed his eyes, trying not to let his thoughts wander any further from the four walls surrounding him. It worked, in a way, but then he just found himself wishing Charlie was inside those walls with him, and that was beside the point.

He tried listing the history topics he’d been supposed to revise that afternoon, imagining bullet points in his head until it all spun together and made him feel nauseous again. He told himself thank god he hadn’t had to go to that dinner, told himself to remember to thank Felix later, and apologise for being short with him. He had to be careful, now that he knew how badly it hurt when he messed up his relationships.

Restlessness and queasiness drove him out of bed again, and he dragged himself to the small ensuite bathroom attached to his room. The mirror showed him exactly how awful he looked, and it was no wonder Felix had offered to get him out of going to dinner. 

The dark circles under his eyes were deeper than usual, probably since he’d barely slept since the night at Mulberry, the night with Charlie, the night before the kiss, the night before he’d said those awful things –

No, no, no. 

He ran cold water over his hands at the sink, ignoring how they shook, and took a few sips from his palm. Small sips, barely enough to wet his lips, for fear of how the cold liquid would feel on the way down. 

Oh, but Charlie would make him drink, wouldn’t he? Charlie would be upset if he knew Shayne had barely had anything to eat or drink in so many days, he’d look so sad – if he even cared at all anymore, after hearing what Shayne had said to Elliott about him.

No...

Shayne clutched the edge of the sink in shock as he gagged, keeping his mouth clamped shut and closing his eyes. His legs had turned to mush all of a sudden, and he felt like he might sink through the floor. He shakily eased himself closer to the toilet, only letting go of the sink when he could put his hands on the cistern instead. 

He retched over and over again, until he managed to choke up a pitiful spatter of bile and acid. He lowered himself gradually so that he was kneeling down on the tiles, shaking and quietly sobbing and wishing for his friend.

___

Felix once again knocked before coming in. Shayne was still retching emptily when he found him. His stomach had emptied, and his throat had dried so quickly that it now just felt like fists clamping around his insides.

“Hey,” Felix said with an air of urgency. “Oh, gosh, is – is it alright for me to be here, Shayne? Do you need to be by yourself?”

Shayne’s chin trembled as he gasped to catch his breath. He wanted to speak, but his tongue was too heavy in his mouth, and all he could manage was a low whimper. He laid a hand on the floor next to him, fingers reaching weakly in Felix’s direction.

“Alright, I’m here.”

He felt Felix’s hand rest lightly on his shoulder, almost like he had feathers instead of bones. Shayne shivered at being touched, though he couldn’t tell for sure if it repulsed him or not because his body was too busy fighting the nausea.

“Relax, bud, I don’t think there’s anything for you to bring up,” Felix said softly. “Try to catch your breath, okay?”

When he finally got his breathing under control and the retching slowed, Shayne turned towards Felix, eyes glassy and pinned to the ground. The smaller boy helped him up from the floor and guided him back through to the bed, pulling back the blankets for him with one hand.

“Doing okay?” Felix asked softly as Shayne sat down.

“Mmhmm,” he replied. He didn’t feel overwhelmed with nausea anymore, but his belly was aching horribly, muscles tense from the dry heaving.

Felix slid onto the end of the bed and pulled his legs underneath himself. He sat and watched Shayne carefully from there. Like a puppy. Shayne slowly eased himself under the blankets, careful not to jostle Felix or himself too much. His voice was hoarse from coughing up acid, and he couldn’t bring himself to clear his throat. He leaned his back against the headrest.

“How was – how was the dinner thing?”

“Aw, bud, you probably don’t want to hear me going on about food right now,” Felix said. His eyes brightened. “But Nancy and Ryan weren’t mad, if that’s what you were worried about. They said to tell you not to worry, and they’ll see you sometime tomorrow.”

Shayne pulled at the sleeves of Charlie’s hoodie, covering his wrists and the palms of his hands. He felt Felix follow his gaze towards the thick red fabric.

“I was thinking, and – when I mentioned Charlie earlier, I hope I wasn’t overstepping or anything.” Felix was starting to sound nervous again. “I have a tendency to do that, and it can be a tad overwhelming for some people.”

Shayne bit the inside of his lip. He felt a gurgle begin in his stomach before it sounded off, and he let out a little whine alongside it.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, realising Felix must have heard it too.

“Aw, buddy, it’s fine. Look; see if you can drink some of that.”

Shayne spotted the steaming teacup next to the bed. He had a vision of Charlie bringing him tea in bed, and had to suddenly blink back tears as he looked at Felix.

“It’s just ginger tea.” Felix’s eyes widened. He frowned and played with his own hands. “I know I said earlier they used to hide blood in my tea, but it’s not – it’s not spiked or anything.”

“No, I – thank you.” Shayne reached carefully for the tea and hoping his stupid shaky hands weren’t about to spill it all over the sheets. He gulped hard, willing his breath to become steady, his eyes to become dry. “F-for coming back, too. Um, seriously.”

“Hey, it’s nothing,” Felix muttered, averting his gaze as he blushed.

Shayne let the mug rest in one hand for a few seconds, while he pressed the cuff of Charlie’s hoodie against his eyes. The sleeve brushed across his cheeks, and his head spun for a second with that familiar scent. Fuck. He screwed his eyes shut for a second before lifting his face and trying to focus on the tea, on Felix, on things that were warm.

“If you still don’t feel like talking,” Felix said slowly, “I – I thought, maybe, I’d tell you how I became an Aldridge, if Elliott hasn’t already told you.”

“He hasn’t,” Shayne admitted shakily. “I, uh, didn’t, um, didn’t even know your name until you told me yourself.”

“Are you serious?” Felix pressed a hand to his head. “Gosh, I would have made a much grander introduction for myself if I had known that.”

Shayne shook his head; with the state he’d been in when they’d first met, he was relieved Felix hadn’t tried anything more extravagant. He tentatively wrapped both hands around the mug, ignoring the handle, grateful for the warmth.

“I could have had five hot guys jump out and unzip their jackets to reveal t-shirts that spelled out F-E-L-I-X.” Felix bounced a fist against his knee. “Gosh, wasted opportunity is like – is like sashimi without soy sauce, you know what I mean?”

Shayne gave Felix a look over the rim of his mug, a look that hopefully conveyed that he had absolutely no idea what he meant. He took a slow sip, and although it was a little too hot for his tongue, his whole body seemed to thaw a bit as the heat curled down through him.

“Never mind,” Felix laughed. “Okay, well, let’s see – I guess the first thing you should know is that my name wasn’t always Felix. Only Elliott knows my real name, and it’s important that it stays that way. I’m not even sure Ryan and Nancy know I ever changed it.”

“What?” Shayne muttered as he blew gently on his tea. His stomach gave a low growl, though this time it wasn’t voicing nausea, but its anticipation of more of the warm, comforting drink. “Were you running from the law?”

“Not at the start,” Felix said, leaning back a little as he got comfortable. “I was a bit like you, actually. I was running away from home.”

[popculturebuffet]

The Three Caballeros Movie Review: Rejoice Now Donald’s Been Laid (Commission)

It’s time at long last we talked about those three happy chappies in snappy serapes. Who say so? @weirdkev27​ say so! He’s planning on funding an ENTIRE retrospective on the boys, so in addition to my Tom Lucitor Retrospective (Expect that to return very soon as one of the episodes in it is time sensitive), Road to Just Us Justice Ducks, and look at “The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck”. I’m proud to announce a new recurring feature on this blog “The Ride of the Three Caballeros!”, a look back at these birds of a feather who flock together and their wild and wonderful history cumulating in “The Legend of The Three Caballeros”.  Honestly I thank Kev for the idea as it’s a damn good one. Ever since seeing them on House of Mouse, which I both really need to cover and Disney needs to add already as we’re a year into Disney plus already, I’ve loved Jose and Panchito, and reading barks story years ago, and again recently, gave me a lasting love of these goofs. They have great snappy designs are the rare pre-ducktales 2017 non duck bird character, and have wonderful personalities. There’s nothing not to love and thus nothing not to love about covering their adventures. So i’m excited for this and not just for the much needed christmas money.  Naturally we’re starting the adventure here with the founding of the trio, though Kev, for now he could change his mind, choose to start with this movie instead of it’s predecessor Saludos Amigos,  on this date for two reasons. The first is it’s Friday the 13th, which besides being the basis for an utter classic of a Hey Arnold episode

Which yes for those unfamiliar with Hey Arnold features Arnold dealing with a spell of bad luck, some bullies and his grandmother dressing up wlike a black cat to rescue black cats, which is sweet.. and training them into her horrifying army of the damned, which is somehow still sweet as it is awesome.  It’s also the day this guy barges into my house thinking it’s camp crystal lake

I swear to gods Jason GET A FUCKING PHONE WITH GPS. We are not clearly not teenagers. And he’s always so embarrassed and the stab wounds always take so long at the hospital to treat. It’s just a mess.  But it’s also, according to this film Donald’s BIrthday! This was during an earlier point in his career, that will be important in a bit, so Disney hadn’t yet settled on their tradition of having their characters birthday’s being the same date as their first appearance. For the record that would make Donald and Della’s current birthday June 7th. I did a special on Donald Duck shorts for it this year. Not sure what i’ll do the next. We will see. And for fun and my own curiosity I looked up the birthdates of some of the other Ducktales castmembers as well as my boys here They are: 

Jose: August 24th (World Premier of Saludos Amigos)  Panchito: December 21st (The Mexico City Premiere Date for this very movie) Scrooge: November 14th (Thank you INducks seriously it’s a massive help with this.  Daisy: June 7th (Debut of Mr. Duck Steps out) Huey, Dewey and Louie: October 17th (First appearance in Donald’s Newspaper Strip) Webby, Beakley and Launchpad: September 18th, thanks to launchpad’s driver’s license as well as all three characters debuting in the opening arc. Though to separate them i’d likely  try to find different dates for both. For now i’m going with October 12th for Mrs. Beakly (The airing date for the Ducktales 87 ep maid of myth) and October 29th for Webby (the airing date for another 87 episode, this one about webby and a horse).  Gladstone: August 15th, as while it was released in january there is no firm release date for it. Plus a summer birthday fits him better anyways. Thank you Inducks for that.  Magica:  September 28th, finally a firm publication date. While there’s a creation date unlike Gladstone I see no need to use it.  Darkwing Duck/Drake Mallard: September 6th GLOMGOLD: July 26th Was that entirely necessary? No Would I do it again.. absolutely. It also means I really need to do something for Scrooge’s Birthday in two days. But that’s future me’s problem. Current day me has his own problems specifically a movie review to continue.  The films genesis was a in a good will tour Disney did in South America, as part of America’s Good Neighbor Policy. FDR started it in order to try and strengthen ties between Latin America and North America, to prevent any sort of war with our close neighbors and to foster good economic ties between both as well as integrate Latin culture into americans lives to make them care about those countries more. And given it was started as HItler’s rise to power grew, and America knew they’d inevitably be dragged into World War II, and thus wanted to put the kibosh on several Latin American’s Nazi Ties. So in exchange for Money, since Disney was struggling due to overextending itself and the big animator’s strike at the time, The US sent Walt and some of his animatiors to South America, where MIckey Donald and Goofy were big and to make a film based there. Hence we got Saludos Amigos which is .. kind of forgettable to be honest, though the Gaucho Goofy segment is fantastic as the “How to” shorts with goofy around the time usually were. But the film gave us Jose, hence why Donald and him are familiar with each other here, and was a moderate success. This lead to the Goverment, who’d already contracted a bunch of propaganda, one of which I covered in my Donald Duck Shorts Birthday Marathon because it contained prototypes for Gladstone and Scrooge, so another feature for South America was a win win: The US got another way to strengthen ties between the Americas, and Disney got a film they could put out during said war to lift spirits, as well as on that would likely be a hit in South America due to them not being under wartime money crunch or the misery of having a war looming overhead. As a side note. I found out after looking at the wikpiedia article on The Good Neighbor Program.. it eventually and sadly collapsed as the US post WWII shifted to the Cold War and thus threw away non interference if it meant beating the Russians. Classy.  So yeah.. this film and i’ts predecessor are technically propaganda pictures. There was also another disney full length propoganda picture about fighter jets, I only learned about this thanks to the slashfilm article I found on the movie that told me a lot of this in the first place. It’s not avaliable but it should be.. though at the very least unlike say House of Mouse, Wander Over Yonder, Penn Zero: Part Time Hero, American Dragon Jake Long, The Weekenders, Pepper Anne and MANY more, it’s absence from Disney + makes sense. And I will continue to bitch about this till Disney actually starts adding more legacy animated shows, or at least makes a few of it’s own, though I will concede reviving the Mickey Mouse shorts that Disney Channel started up is a VERY good first step and i’m sure What If and Proud Family: Louder and Prouder will be fine. I just want more animation content on the streaming platform of one of the biggest animation studios in the world with one of the most storied histories. I’m REALLY not asking a lot. 

That bit of bitching aside I will give Disney+ credit where it’s due. The service offers MOST of the Disney vault for a very reasonable price a month, in crisp HD, and thus allows someone like me, who hasn’t really dived into the disney vault and slept on watching three cabs despite borrowing it from some friends, to dive into beautiful animation like this any time. It also allows me to explore disney’s older films, the ones I want to anyway, at my leisure and it’s a REALLY nice feeling. It’s also nice to have all the various animated shows in nice clean copies. So while there are sizeable gaps in the library, many of which as highlighted above have no reason for not being there and some like Song of the South have DAMN GOOD reason for never being there, I still apricate the service for being a vast, glorious digital library of Disney content as well as stuff they’ve acquired like the marvel show library, and this review would not have been as easy to do without it. So with my opinions on D+ and the exposition for WHY this exists out of the way, as I couldn’t find much else on this flim’s background, join me after the read more for a full review of the film! Who says so? I says so! 

We open with.. the Disney+ content warning again. In my review of the last part of “Catch as Cash Can” I went on about how much I apricated it and it stands: while i’m not blind that it’s a blanket statement to cover disney’s rears, it’s still apricated for them to care enough to force the content warning on the viewer. Given how bad they usually are at falling on the right side of history, this is very admirable. Though thankfully this film isn’t as offensive as the last content warning I got for the last part of “Catch as Cash can” aka “Watch registered White Guy Hamilton Camp play a bad indian sterotype for 22 minutes while my soul slowly dies”. Here there are bits, which i’ll get to now to save me the trouble later: The Littlest Gaucho’s side characters are all drawn pretty carcturish and a bit cringe inducing. The other is of course Panchito our Mexican representative.. who wears a sombrero and shoots two pistols around. And there’s just a tinge of white man going ot another country to get laid with the way Donald behaves throughout the picture. Basically little touches here and there but nothing that spoils the picture overall or makes whole scenes unwatchable. Still worth having the warning up, but not worth getting too worked up over.  So onto the film itself and as mentioned i’ts Donald’s birthday! And I will say the film has lots of great little gags here and there.. I won’t be pointing all of them out because this film was 70 minutes long but their very charming. HIs first gift is a projector and screen.. which he naturally has to fight to get working and which first projects on his ass, already a good start. And a general thought I like is how receptive Donald is to soaking in another culture. He just seems joyusly enthralled by the various films, gifts and places his friends bring him.. 

But again we’ll get to that. Point is it’s very nice to see Disney portay learning about another culture so positively and with such a hot head as donald. Even if i’ts in part to appease the US Goverment, ther’es a genuine feeling that they truly fell in love with these countries and aren’t JUST shilling them because it’s in their contract, but because they genuinelly liked it there.  So with that we get to our first segment. See the film is one of Disney’s Package films, anthology films taking a bunch of short segments and pasting them together, but here it’s framed through the narrative of DOnald’s birthday, so there is KIND of a plot.. but it’s mostly an excuse for musical numbers, short films, and more musical numbers.

Dammit Elmo, we will get to it! So naturally i’l lbe dividing up this review into various pieces. First up...

1. The Cold Blooded Penguin: Life of Pablo, The Good Version This is a brief but endearing short about a Penguin named Pablo who dosen’t like cold weather, can relate, and wants to move to some tropical paradise, again can relate. It’s BARELY related to the theme of hte movie, celebrating Central and South America, but it’s so damn charming I can’t help but love it. And Pablo is so damn adorable, as are his friends. I mean look at him. 

He’s just so precious and you just want him to finally get to his paradise with the help of his friend, his boiler there smokey joe, and root for him as his farewell party dwindles from a bunch of penguins to just bob and gary here. 

I may love Gary, the tall one, more than I love Pablo honestly> His sad eyes or the way he’s the ONLY one who sticks it out to the end, seeing Pablo off at last. Pablo’s first attempts, going without his boiler, which just ends iwth him freezing and attempting to carry smokey joe on his back both fail, he eventually decides to go with a boat and cleverly simply saws the ice berg he’s on so it’ll drift with his house and possessions, and has Gary hit it with a bottle both to christen it and to send it flying. Plus having bags on the bags on my eyes myself, I can relate to their tired expressions. As can we all after this year. Just a month and a half and it’s finally blessedly over. 

Pablo makes his way through, finally finding his island only to nearly have his iceberg melt before he gets there. But he persevers and gets his paradise, even adorably eating a banana> Though it ends on a mealoncholy yet still funny note of Pablo missing home even though he has a pet turtle/butler now. Man I want one of those.  One final note is that the short is narrated greatly by Sterling Holloway.. aka the future WInnie The Pooh using that exact voice which while a little weird in hindsight, just makes the short that more adorable if you imagine Pooh is reading a story to you. Just a really damn cute short with some good and intentive gags, and penguins. I mean i’ll be honest I have a soft spot in my hart for those tudeoxed boys thanks to the comic strip BLoom County and it’s lead character Opus taking up a LOT of real estate in my heart and brain. Here’s a few samples of him just so you get why.  

Just a sweetheart. Though his honker would grow exponenitally with time. And once get grabbed by a card carrying MAGA asshole. But I can talk about my boy here and this strip again another day. Point is I may love pengies but even that aside this is a good short and a good way to start things off. Sadlly the pacing then lops out a bit as the next two bits aren’t QUITE as entertaining. 

2. Birds Birds Birds: Of Arcuan BIrds and Toucan Sex Donald then watches a film on birds, and i’ts basically just a bunch of short funny gags with various tropical birds. There are a FEW notable bit sin the short, and I will get to them now, but otherwise it’s just okay.. not great but not exactly memorable. I honestly forgot there was anything BUT the Arcuan bird in this bit. Speaking of which A) The Arcuan Bird, a hyperactive pink little guy who makes a little “yatatata” noise, and boops donald a bit and later shows up in the film to steal Jose’s Cigar. Easily the most entertaining part of this section and there’s a reason why he became a massive fan faviorite, as well as got a more expanded roll in Legend of the Three Cablleros. He’d also apparently later return for another Package Film. What a bird.  B) There’s a bit with Toucans, which I remember because I freaking love Toucans, the big colorful beaks look neat contrasted with their black and white bodies and they seem friendly and the one fictional one besides Toucan Sam I can rmemeber is Tuca of Tuca and Bertie. Nuff said. And because they mention the Tucan’s making love. First off this is how a Tucan makes love. 

And secondly, clealry the term has evolved considerably, but it’s still chuckle inducing to have that term in a disney movie, especially since it makes me think of a number of things most notably this. 

Which, fun fact, is the song that will likely be sung when Donald and Daisy finally have sex in the Ducktales Reboot. Della didn’t buy those choir robes for nothing. Though the joke here is simply that they can’t kiss because they have big noses. GET IT. Though I have seen incompatable noses end marriages. 

See I told you his honker got bigger. Okay onto the 3rd thing from this bit. 

C) The Flamingos, who retract into themselves while Donald adorably copies. What a boy. With that I can move on from this segement thankfully and onto... an even worse one!.. wait... 

3. The Littlest Gaucho: The Boring One  This one’s a leftover from Saludos Amigos, likely because that one already had a Gaucho Bit with goofy and because it’s not very good. But Disney was strapped for cash so use everything you got. And yes I advocated for using everything in my review of life and times part 1.. but that’s more for a shared universe and left “Oh hey I found this short in our garbage let’s put it in another movie to save money” way. I appreciate being cheap, I myself am unemployed and right now these reviews are my source of income, but you could’ve just you know.. let the film be shorter? You didn’t have to waste animation leading inito this bit.  This one is the story of a young boy, as narrated by his older self who can somehow see through the veil of time and yell at his younger self. How? 

But it dosen’t really help the story as i’ve seen far better interactive narrators and ones clearly editing history. Especially since, despite ending on a VERY sour note, How I Met Your Mother was a pro at this. It’s not the film’s fault, but even back int he 40′s I swear they could do this better. 

It’s the simple story of the little Gaucho finding a flying Donkey, befriending him, and then entering him in a jockey race which they win. There’s one or two good gags here, but it dosen’t have the cutness of the previous segments and only one or two good gags. It just feels like filler and if I watch the film again, which I probably will, I will fast forward past this. Thankfully after this we finally get a break. 

4. A Song For Bahia: They call him JOSEEEEEEEEE.. and he’s Donald

Jose enters! Donald’s next gift is a book from Brazil that’s smoking..mostly because so’s Jose. The two friends reunite, with Jose in a story book asking Donald about , what I assume is Jose’s home state of Bahia, one of Brazil’s 20 states and spelled Baia in this movie for some reason.  We then get an absolutely beautiful sequence of Jose’s voice actor singing about Bahia and showing off how beautiful the country is through gorgeous animation. It’s a really marvelous segment and really pretty to look at. And once that segment’s done the film starts to pick up in energy, though unlike the Gaucho segment, the Bahia song is actually good. 

5.  Os Quindins de Yayá: The Sleeper Has Awakened.. and by the sleeper I mean Donald’s Penis.  There’s a few bits here. We start with the wonderful song, “Have You Ever Been to Bahia?”.. which is almost entirely Jose asking that to donald who says no, with some fun mindscrewy animation.. the film has not BEGUN to mindscrew, but we’ll get to that. 

Also for this segment Jose apparently has Jamie Madrox powers.. or he’s from Cragg.. either way, Donald hasn’t been to Baia so let’s go. The boys take a train, the Arucan messes things up again, etc etc and soon their in Baia where two major aspects of the film show up: Blending Live action with animation, and Donald being really horny. It’s not to a creepy degree outside of one segment, we’ll get there, but Donald being really into live action women is a major part of three segments of this film. If your wondering while Daisy had debuted, she wasn’t the ETCHED IN STONE, presence she’d become for Donald. Which I don’t have a problem with, I love them in Ducktales 2017, their one of the few tolerable aspects of the quack pack’s i’ve watched, and they were great in House of Mouse. I”m just saying some works don’t really have her around in them (Donald’s spy and papernik adventures), while other more charming and eligible women are, while others have her as outright abusive (Legend of the Three Caballeros). I’m not against Donsy when done properly, again huge fan of the Ducktales 2017 version of the couple, I just dont’ think it has to be mandatory. The fact the Italian comics made Donald a fairly likeable alien queen as a love interest proves it. 

But yeah here Donald’s thirsty as fuck, can relate, and thus we get our next musical number.. and that blend of live action and animation. I will admit, especially on second viewing.. it’s pretty obvious their mostly using a green screened animated backdrop with the charcters on it. The other segments are much more integrated. That being said.. i’m perfectly fine with it, as Disney was on a really low budget, only able to get financing for package films like this since their main financer wouldn’t given them money for anything but shorts, so it was a workaround, not to mention having a mass talent exodus over the strike and World Fucking War II to contend with. So cheeping out on ONE segment in a large film, and STILL having it come out good is fine just fine. And it truly does, the segment centers around Yaya, a cookie seller and the object of Donald’s affections, though he gets mad when a guitar man slips in and woos her instead for a bit before eventually leaving her alone, with Donald getting a kiss. But while parts of that clearly haven’t aged well, it’s an utterly joyous and fun musical number in an already fun musical, and Aurora Miranda who plays Yaya, and is sister of Carmen Miranda something Disney actually put in promotional materials.... come to think of it I didn’t watch the trailer.. I’ll get to it in a moment. Point is, Miranda is very talented and it’s  VERY fun number. Have a listen since the sequence itself is WAY to long to put video of up on youtube. 

And having watched the trailer during that music break, it’s not bad, I expected more cringe. The most I got was them calling the women “latin american lovlies” which.. seems.. wrong. But with the romance of Bahia setting and Donald dragged out by Jose, we can get into our next segement as, over halfway in, we finally get our third Cabllero 

6. The Three Cablleros: Who Say So? We Say So!

HERE COMES THE PANCHITO Ladies and Gentleman and Others! HERE COMES THE PANCHITO! the moment you’ve been waiting for! HERE COMES THE PANCHITO! the pride of Mexico! HERE COMES PANCHITO! Panchito Pistoles! 

When then meet Panchito who joyfully shoots guns around, because stereotype but thankfully he’s also joyful, jubilant and likeable much like his pal Jose. Panchito’s just a thoughtly likeable character and next to his smooth talking pal, it’s easy to see why the two became huge fan favorites. And thus we get our title track. 

IT’s a beautiful, fun segment, that while some portions, such as Panchito’s yelling or “some Latin baby’ haven’t aged particularly well, is still a fun colorful number with amazing music and great gags, that utterly sells our boys camaraderie. I have no notes, ten out of ten flawless classic number. Who Say So? I SAY SO! Also given both boys kiss Donald at some point.. yeah these boys are bi as fuck and damn i’ts awesome. 

7. Mexico: Bored Again, Naturally.  Donald then gets a pinata and we get a short story about a bunch of kids going around to places only to be told “no shelter no posada”. Like the Gauchito bit.. it’s pretty boring and nonconesquential and only gets a leg up due to being far shorter and a little adorable versus not really as adorable as the segement thinks it is. The kids end up at a party with a pinata. We do get a fun sequence after this nothing of a story of Donald batting a pinata around while the boys mess with him a bit. It’s fun stuff.  Out of the PInata we get another storybook, and another slow segement of Panchito singing about mexico which is a less fluidly animated, and thus far less entertaining, version of the Bahia song.. diffrent song, same premise of a bird melodically and beautifully singing about his home land, but less engaging because it’s just still images. I get they were low on budget but while I can forigve that for the Yaya sequence.. this one.. I just can’t as they not only already did this, but did it less good the second time around. The song is lovely though, and I do miss a time in our culture when we looked at Mexico with fondness and didn’t have a FAR too large portion of our population think anyone from there should go back where they came when they come to our brave country to find shelter, aslym and opportunity just because they didn’t go through “proper channels’ even though that’s difficult. WHat i’m saying is fuck our immigration policy for the last 4 years, and bless the president-elect for planning to fix that ASAP. I felt it was worth mentioning in a review ABOUT a Mexican character who, in the reboot, is an immigrant to America. 

8. Everybody Dance: Another fun number. 

We’re onto Mexico and it’s time for another musical number

So our heroes dance, Donald hits on some more women.. stuff we’ve seen before but it’s still a fun beautiful song and unlike the last bit while the animation has clearly aged enough to be more obvious, it still looks great next to the various live action dancers and blends real well. A fun time that gives us more great music and another reminder from donald that...

I mean I get being thirsty as shit, again can relate.. but the next segment takes it from Donald and the Boys being kinda horny to. 

9. The Beach: Donald Gets Creeptacular

Yeah this bit is .. less endearing. The boys fly the serape over to a beach, and divebomb the girls, which isn’t a sex act.. that i’m aware of. But yeah chasing around several women, and donald leaving the Serape to chase them around old beach movie/benie hill/trying my patience style. It’s cringe is what i’m saying as a man literally chasing a woman around is considered flirtitng here and that’s all kinds of EUGGGGHHHH. The previous segments had Donald be kind of respectful in his woman chasing: while he was pretty horny, he also tipped his hat, flirted a bit, asked to dance you know, normal shit.. not decided “let’s chase them with a serape that will turn them on!’ jesus.. yeah not much to say here either just.. really creepy. But we have not reached peak horny donald yet.. oh no. 

10. Donald’s Surreal Revere: WHAT EXACTLY THE FUCK. 

Dora Luz appears in the sky of Mexico after the boys exit the book and flip to Mexico’s night life... just go with hit and Donald swoons over her before joining her int he book and after getting a kiss from her and swooning over her.. has an acid trip. I .. I don’t know how else to describe Donald’s surreal reverie. It’s clear Walt just told the animators do whatever. I will TRY to describe this sequence as best I can, but I make no promises except what I describe is exactly what happened, see for yourself.

Okay so after Dora’s magical floating kisses, just go with it, kiss donald he explodes, in a rocket blast clearly symbolizing his errection, then becomes a neon sign and a hummingbird, just go with it, tries to kiss Dora’s image appearing on a flower, then Jose and Panchito BURST out of the flower with tiny chipmunk voices and gun violence, a SCREAMING TECHNICOLOR TRANSTION, dora singing the song in the middle of a flower again , donald making out with the flower but it turning out ot be panchito with a giraffe neck saying “Some fun eh kid?”, donald falling through a sea of ladies, donald chasing the ladies on a serape. Donald’s disembodied head looking at the ladies before bursting out of the picture to chase them GOOD GOD DID WE NEED MORE OF THAT?! The boys ending up on female bodies and them some sort of horse abomination. Then we get into what must of inspiried a young david Lynch as donald kisses the flower agian, then ends up in one as they replay a creepy whispery recording of either Jose or Panchito saying pretty girls while we see still images of the girls from the beach. Hummingbird Flower Donald then has a romantic duet with a lady because WHY NOT at this point, then multiple donalds before he spins away. We get one last number with donald dancing with living cacti that turn into mini donald’s that’s slightly more sane and finally this bit is done. IN conclusion. 

I just.. I have no words. The giant mess of text up there should explain it and I purposfully didn’t divy it up as i’ve been trying to do more often, as it deserves to be one long string of nonsense. I just.. it’s beautiful to look at but what the hell was that. Is this going to happen every time Donald and Daisy have sex? Is this what Donald’s brain is like all the time? Did Panchito inject him with pure liquid acid?

So yeah we thankfully conclude the film after that with 

14. The Wrap UP The boys horse around with a bull and then heartwarmingly watch fireworks together.. there isn’t much to add it’s jsut fun to watch and a nice pallete cleanser after loosing my sanity. Isn’t that right keith david?

You always say that! So...

Final Thoughts: I’ve made my thoughts on the various segments clear, but what of the film as a whole? As a whole.. it’s pretty fun. Is it the best film Disney’s Produced? probably not. But it’s a fun, brisk 70 minutes, hampered by a few slow spots and some weird horny bits, and various segments feel like an acid trip despite having never taken acid. But our boys easlly anchor the surreality and thirst and all three have great chemistry both comedically, friendship wise and romantically. It’s also very easy to see why this film and it’s cablleros got big in Mexico and Brazil as the film seems like a love letter to both, and is fairly respectful. WHich for the time, sex tourism aside, is pretty damn inspried. So yeah in conclusion, this is a really fun memorable film, it was even better on a second watch and it’s an enjoyable colorful reminder of Disney’s package film era, which I might dig into a bit.. I just may have to borrow a copy of make mine music.. guess what just got added to my list of “why the fuck isn’t this on disney plussss?” 

Regardless this was a fun review and auspcious start to the ride of the Cablleros. if you’d like to comission your own movie or tv review, hit up my ask box or submit box or shoot me an ask to get my discord. You can also join my patreon, patreon.com/popculturebuffet, Until then you can check this space for the various ongoing series mentioned and regular Ducktales coverage every monday. Until then, Adios, with a christmas message from my personal fourth Cabllero

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #352

my head’s a mess and a half, i can’t think of lyrics to put here so yeah here’s the survey

What’s the last vegetable you ate, and when did you eat it? Uh I think it was a pepper in this Healthy Choice dinner bowl I had yesterday. What was your last Facebook notification for? A friend liking this photo I shared of some beautiful, small rock and pebble sculptures of people. What bands have you seen live? Just Alice Cooper. Tell me an interesting fact about your mother: She only has one kidney due to the other being taken out because of kidney cancer when I was a kid. Coincidentally, her father was actually born with only one as well. What do you think is the most important thing to happen to you before the age of 13? Nothing really comes to mind. What were you super against as a young child but aren’t anymore? SUPER against? I dunno, man. What are your plans later today? I don't know. Yesterday my mother informed me that Jason's mother died, and since then I've been in shock. I was in awful condition yesterday because I absolutely adore(d) her like she was MY family, and once upon a time I thought she would be officially, and I still feel very, very dead. I doubt I'll get anything done today. Are you doing anything exciting this weekend? Definitely not exciting... Mom and possibly I are probably bringing Jason's family food for the family get-together they're having (we're not staying for... obvious reasons), but she's unsure because it might be a bit too awkward. I'll stay in the car because I don't want to disrespect Jason's space, but I REALLY want to go through with this. His mom was so important to me, and I don't want to just... do nothing as if she meant just that. I want the family to know I never stopped caring just because there was a breakup. Plus I wanna give Jason his favorite chocolate bar to try to bring him a bit of happiness. I can't imagine what he's feeling, and my instinct of "I need to protect him" absolutely never went away. Who do you talk to the most? My mom. What are some things you do regularly that make you feel old? Go to bed before 9PM, sometimes even before 8. And my knees pop like a motherfucker. Who is your best guy friend(s)? Girt and Sam. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? Neither; instead, I just wish it was clearer. I have extremely dry skin, especially on my arms, so I have little bumps and marks there, as well as little freckles over my body. Having like, porcelain skin would be amaaaazing. If you had a tiny scar on your face, would you get it removed or just keep it? Keep it. Look more badass, haha. Have you had an x-ray in the past year? I think so, on my legs. It may have been over a year ago, idr. Do you think your first love still loves you? I don't want to know. I really don't. What is something that is “going right” in your life? *blinks* When did you feel ready to start dating? Seriously, probably late middle school. When was the last time your pet bit you? If you don’t have a pet, have you ever been bitten by someone else’s? My snake Venus has never bitten me. Meanwhile, my cat Roman lightly (and sometimes not so lightly...) bites me pretty much every day when I play with him, lol. Where were you the last time you made out? My bed. When was the last time you cried tears of joy? I probably haven't done that since I met Sara irl. How do you type your sad smileys? One of these three: :( or :c or :< Do you have “decorative hand-towels” that cannot be used in your house? No. What was the last soda you drank? Mountain Lightning, a Mtn. Dew ripoff bc we're cheap, lol. What was the last thing someone made fun of you for? I don't know. Have you ever had any type of surgery? Yeah, a cyst removal as well as tubes in my ears. Should kids be allowed to get tattoos/piercings without parental consent? Uh no????? Who was the last person to hit on you? That I'm actually aware of, Sara. I'm quite sure nobody has since. What was the last thing you decided not to do, that you were supposed to? I was too weak to even clean the litterbox last night. I just wanted to go to bed. I need to do it today. What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to tell someone? Hm. Maybe that I didn't love Joel? It was just really awkward and I felt awful about the whole situation. What do you put on hot dogs? Ketchup and mustard. Ever fallen in the shower? I've fallen OUT of the shower. I was extremely dizzy and was trying to get out, and I just passed out onto my chin. Broke some molars and got a concussion. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever called someone you care about? Probably a bitch or something. Do you think that things will get better? I sure hope so. Have you ever legitimately saved a person’s life? I guess I kinda have. My WoW friend Lisa and I were talking, and she wasn't feeling well at all when she suddenly disappeared. Coincidentally, her husband got home RIGHT when I messaged her again, wanting to check up on her, and he heard the alert so checked it out. Lisa was knocked out on the couch having some medical emergency with a name I can't remember, and he just thought she was sleeping. Because of seeing the chat, he took her to the hospital when she probably would've died otherwise. She insists I saved her. What’s your favourite book genre? Fantasy. Have you ever walked out of a movie at the theatre? No. Do dogs like you? They definitely seem to. Animals in general honestly do. Would you say that you project an air of authority? Definitely not. Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool? No. I've always wanted to, but I was too scared at any opportunity. Do you use one towel when you shower or two? (one for hair, one for body) I just use one. I dry my hair first, then my body. Have you ever been to one of the great lakes? No, but I did see one of them from a plane when I was flying to Sara's. Who do you know that had a baby recently? My high school friend had her daughter Persephone literally a couple days ago. Cute little thing. Do you like Usher’s songs? Oh wow, what a blast from the past. I don't even recall the names of any, but I remember I enjoyed some as a kid. When was the last time you went to a waterpark? Wow, it has been YEARS. Like, not since I was a teen. Have you ever ridden a train? No. What do you eat your French fries with? Ketchup, sometimes. Do you have family problems? Not really. What’s the last food you ate that was stale? Bread, I think. How do you like your grilled cheese? Just a normal 'ole grilled cheese. What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked? I don’t cook. What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid? Play video games. Have you ever been close to drowning? Yikes, no. Have you ever had a panic attack? Countless. Do you like doing housework? No, who does? Would you ever get implants? Nah. Do you own a robe? No. Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Yeah, Nicole. Do you like crust on pizza or do you cut it off? I don't trust people who don't eat pizza crust. What was the last song you listened to? "The Ghost of You" by My Chemical Romance. It's making me cry, but I really need to. Have any of your family members been to jail? No. None that I know of, anyway. Is there anyone that you feel you still need some closure with? An old friend, yes. Can you remember when you first learned how to read? No. What event in your life has transformed your personality the most? My mental illnesses as a whole. Have you ever had any teeth pulled? No. Do you still want to be what you wanted to be in elementary school? No, but only because it's not realistic. I don't want to travel. What’re some TV shows that you would like to get into? I don't care about TV 'til MM resumes, and then absolutely whenever The Edge of Sleep is released. Mark is a key actor in it. How would you feel if you were drafted for the military? I couldn’t be. What is your favorite Queen song? Ha, I'm aware this is probably everyone's answer, but "Bohemian Rhapsody" is the bop of all bops. Do you know how to use any foreign currency? No. Been kissed by someone who you knew was “bad” for you? BEEN kissed, yeah. By Juan. Ever taken an at-home pregnancy test? No. When was the last time you were at a loss of what to do? Now. What did you do on your favorite date with a guy/girl? It was a group date where we went to this big arcade one night. What’s a movie you have seen in the theater more than once? None. What is the reason you’re still alive? That's a big answer that I'm not in the mood to ramble about. Have you ever had sex in someone else’s bed/bedroom? Yeah, oops. Do you ever brush your hair before you go to bed? No. Have you ever had a dream about sleeping with a celebrity? (You don’t have to give details.) HAHA this was the only lucid dream I've ever had lmfao. Has anyone ever told you that they needed you? Do you think they meant it? I don't remember. How did you feel when you woke up today? What was the first thing you thought about? Like shit. "Virginia's still dead" just bitchslapped me. Do you still tell your parents that you love them? Well yeah. Have you ever said “I love you” to someone you weren’t going out with? Yes, because I really did. Have you ever been threatened before? Yes. Would you date someone with a physical disability? Yeah. Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you? Probably. The last time you dyed your hair, what color did you dye it? Red. Think of the last time you went out to eat. Who paid? My mom. Do you save at least 15 percent of your income? What income? Do you ever go on Reddit? If so, what are some of your favorite subreddits? No. Were you ever a flower girl or ring bearer in anyone’s wedding when you were little? No. Are your parents in good health? Not especially. They're both probably unhealthier than the average person. Dad smokes way too much to be healthy, and Mom has a plethora of issues. Have you ever been a caregiver to a sick/disabled relative? No; it sounds awful, but I'm very doubtful I could be because I canNOT clean another human being. Is there any type of medicine you can’t take? For what reason? No. Do you have a favorite pair of pajamas? What do they look like? They're black Pokemon pants with Pikachu jumping by the logo. Do you have any interesting pillow cases? No. If something on your body hurts, which part is it most likely to be? My knees. Are you more afraid of spiders or bees? Both, but situationally. Have you ever worn fake nails? If so, what did the last pair you wore look like? Only once for prom. They were maroon, like my dress. Wait... or maybe I didn't wear them? Fuck, idr. Is Russian or Native American history more interesting to you? Native American history is way more fascinating to me.

[ngame989]

S4 So Far: Fucking Why? A take on the use of emotions and romance as a character development/narrative device compared to past seasons

OK so I literally only slept 3 hours last night after watching the eps, and it was a shitty 3 hours, so apologies if anything is jumbled or incoherent. This post is about why Season 4 as a whole (at least with the character relationships overall, not just romance and not just Starco) feels to me like such a gigantic and unnecessary fundamental writing/focus shift compared to past seasons (especially 1 and 2, but also 3).

Curse was... obviously just a slap in the face, a full descent into “will-they-won’t-they” for no purpose other than dragging it out, since it CONFIRMED that Star and Marco have true mutual love for each other and basically directly stated to the audience in the dance that, no, this isn’t because of the curse, it’s genuine, but decided more love polyhedra and suspense and drama were needed. NOTE THAT I FULLY ADMIT AND ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THEIR FEELINGS ARE REAL, THEIR DANCE HIGHLY AFFECTED ME, AND IT WAS A VERY STRONG EMOTIONAL MOMENT. I’m not trying to imply that it meant absolutely nothing, not at all, I’m more talking about its purpose in the narrative than the emotions it contained as an isolated scene when I say “it had no purpose other than to drag things out.” Not sure exactly where we go from here, but I know Starco’s still endgame, and I also know that the route there is gonna be at least some level of disappointment to me. No way around that, but I think it’s worth looking at the rest of the season to dig into what just feels different in a bad way, because it’s really not just Curse. I feel like half the fandom is freaking out simply over just the fact that they claimed they didn’t feel anything anymore, and worrying about the suspense and drama over whether Starco would still happen at all, but that reaction is the goal of will-they-won’t-they, it’s why it works and why so few stories bother going beyond it, and I hate that. The point I want to tackle and criticize isn’t “I’m worried Starco won’t happen!” but rather a look at the overall handling of characters and relationships in the show narratively.

Let’s start with a look back on earlier seasons. I should hope that anyone could agree watching the first 2 seasons that Star and Marco’s relationship was very strongly built on a foundation of emotional intimacy, honesty, supporting each other and understanding each other, etc. Even if you’re not a Starco shipper, even if you’re anti-Starco as a couple and see them as entirely platonic, this much at least should hopefully be agreeable to everyone, because it’s like 80% of what the show contained until the middle of S2 actually got some plot going. Once we get into season 3, it becomes a lot more contentious among the fans, but there’s still a lot of this same stuff. Yes, Star and Marco spend less screentime together, but the majority of moments they share feel special, and have a strong emotional core with moments between them. Toffee, Lint Catcher, Sweet Dreams (sort of), Night Life, Deep Dive, Marco Jr., Booth Buddies, Divide/Conquer - every single one of these had a clear focus on why Star and Marco’s relationship, specifically, was important and special to them, and what made them work so well as a pair. Not just “they go on an adventure together to accomplish a goal.” Granted, not EVERY single episode in any season was like this, all three of the past seasons did have episodes that were just the basic adventure, but this was still an overall important part of the pacing of the show even if not omnipresent. And yes, absolutely, other characters had meaningful emotional moments and bonds with each other as well. Bonbon provided payoff on a genuine emotional honesty that Marco had been building up with Jackie in Sleepover and Naysaya, not just romance for romance’s sake but feeling like it had a purpose, it made total sense why Marco and Jackie had feelings for each other and why they did to some extent work together. Demoncism for Tom and Star was another such moment, capitalizing in some part on Star’s heartbreak, yes, but still serving as a turning point with a genuine purpose to both their characters as they tried to take steps forward as people first, and they bonded over that. Similarly, Is Another Mystery built off of Monster Bash for Tomstar and specifically Tom’s issues with caring about others. Things flowed as a whole across the season, even if not in a way that involved Star and Marco constantly on screen together.

Now let’s look at S4 as a whole thus far. As far as Starco is concerned... what moments like this have we had? When has their relationship been clearly special to them as a normal part of their day to day lives and not just in some epic WOW moment? I guess the end of Follies, and the hug in Ransomgram if you squint just a little bit, but even then, the actual emotional core of that episode really didn’t have anything to do with Star and Marco’s relationship with each other specifically. All their other episodes are just very basic “Star and Marco perform an activity for some episodic plot purpose” with no heart or soul put into their dynamic itself. Then we get to Curse, where apparently Marco’s feelings for Star are so strong that he’s constantly beside himself with emotion over them, and Star’s for Marco obvious enough that even dense as fuck Tom knows. In any past season, these things would’ve been firmly built up over the course of meaningful Star and Marco moments across a handful of segments leading up to it, so... why not now? We had a single tangential reference to it on Star’s end in Lake House Fever, and Marco saying how hard it’s been in Kelly’s World immediately beforehand, and that’s it. Not to mention that Marco apparently has budding feelings for Kelly (despite not having had any meaningful emotional moments with her Lava Lake Beach, a full season ago), after only one episode in Season 4. Bonbon had Sleepover and Naysaya for Jarco, Demoncism had Club Snubbed for Tomstar, what did Kelly’s World have? To me, right now, it feels like emotions/romance in teen relationships in the show 180′d overnight from a genuine part of their day to day lives and interactions that ebb and flow naturally and subtly to “le epic shipping drama with blushes and handholding to get people’s feely-weely uwuing to the max and ready to tune in for more,” and this feels like a HUGE departure from the storytelling method of literally everything before Season 4.

EDIT: Let’s not ignore Curse itself either, though. The idea of destiny vs free will, and Star and Marco choosing to be with each other on their own terms entirely is cool on paper. Issue is, LITERALLY NOTHING IN THE SHOW UP TO THIS POINT HAS GIVEN OFF THE IDEA THAT IT’S MAGICALLY FORCED. Many fans postulated it, but the show never brought it up as a problem to be handled later, and put explicit care into all their developments being entirely natural. The “Blood Moon Curse” was a problem with very little buildup in the narrative, created specifically to start an arc that as an isolated thing seems fine, but ends up just fucking with what they’d already developed and delays the outcome more and more.

Maybe, best case scenario, all of this is just kind of wonky pacing for no clear reason, the show is known to fuck that up even at its best, but the overall progression will still be kind of fine. Maybe we fairly quickly enter an arc where they try to live their new lives, free of feelings, and they allow themselves to get closer to each other without reservation because they think the feelings are gone and begin to find genuine joy and happiness in their relationship (as a result of the love which is still there, but the placebo effect that they think it’s gone makes them open themselves up to it after seasons of trying to hide from it). Maybe this results in Kellco not really going anywhere, with like one episode of them trying to make it work and failing because Marco’s heart still isn’t in it, and Tomstar also breaking up because they both finally accept that even the Blood Moon going away didn’t change anything, and we’re still set for a Big Moment somewhere around Cornonation-Beach Day to be Star and Marco fully accepting and recognizing their love, on their own terms, with every bit of denial and every obstacle behind them, giving us at the VERY least a handful of segments before the end to showcase some day-to-day canon Starco, show why it works for them and why it makes them so happy, and to show Tom (and Kelly too, maybe?) being OK with the situation and finding fulfillment in it themselves. Then the series finale could be the final push for Starco, from “our feelings are real and we want to pursue them without any doubts” to “I want to spend the rest of my life with you”. I’d still overall call this a lot of unnecessary drama and dragging, and still highly question everything about these first 8 episodes that I did, but I can’t deny there IS a symbolic/narrative benefit for Curse here. It could serve as an important milestone where Star and Marco finally put the heartbreak and hurt their feelings cause behind them once and for all, which is sort of what a lot of people thought it would be anyway, and if things still move forward quickly as part of an arc then it would still perhaps accomplish something meaningful and not just dragging for drama.

Or maybe the rest of the season will largely follow the pattern of what we’ve had thus far, with everything through Cornonation being almost devoid of anything special in relationships, just showing characters interacting normally without any real developments, Star and Marco spending time together and Tomstar and Kellco being almost entirely background, with maybe one segment apiece just for fun. Then Beach Day could be a Big Ship™ episode that compresses all the lack of emotion into one giant over-the-top romantic episode where they finally start realizing “huh after the last 8 episodes of our normal friendship, guess we do actually still maybe feel something special after all” and then the breakup(s) happen afterwards as a result of “welp guess it won’t work, it’s been fun” with the series finale being when Star and Marco finally get to say “YES AFTER ALL THIS I NOW REALIZE I LOVE YOU” and kissing once and that’s the end of the show. Which still would be satisfying if for NO other reason than the first 3 seasons lingering in my mind, I still will almost certainly love Starco as a whole no matter what. But holy mother of fuck this would be the dumbest shit ever, a complete reversal on how they’ve always handled everything, for seemingly no other purpose than because they wrote themselves into a corner where they wanted to force Starco to only be series finale, but they also made it so strong in the first 3 seasons that its natural progression would make it canon before then so they had to fuck with it, and would make me almost regret being anything more than a casual appreciator of the show.

So all in all I’m still, for the time being, at least willing to see where it goes I guess, because Star and Marco are still firmly embedded in my heart even if the show’s handling of them in this final stretch turns out to disappoint me in almost every way imaginable. Unless things TRULY go to shit, I have some plans for some fanworks post-canon that will, if nothing else, help me and maybe some of you make peace with the potential the show will likely waste in rising above romcom drama to portray Starco actually blossoming into a fully happy and healthy canon romantic relationship to rule them all. But I will almost definitely not be staying up into the morning watching and freaking out about episodes, if the show is going to appeal to the lowest common denominator of casual romance drama, I suppose I need to become a casual viewer to compensate.

[headinthxclouds]

Addie and Rhody Sterling || Living All Together, Yet They Were All Alone...

The Sterlings. A family that was notorious for all the wrong reasons. 

Tony, Marina, Rhody and Addison. Their father had had a desire to be strong and she had watched it her whole life. His powers were basic, he could go invisible, nothing that anyone thought was impressive. It was one of those things teenage girls wished for and as a result he had spent years resenting his powers as opposed to figure out how to make the most of them. Their mother was powerful, able to cause crippling pain by just looking at someone. Marina could’ve been great, she could’ve been one of the greatest villains of a generation had she not fallen into line with Tony Sterling. But she had and even worse she had gotten pregnant. The rest of her adult life was spent struggling to gain any semblance of power in the world or equality with her husband. The resentment and anger was palpable, but it was addicting as well and the two could not leave each other no matter how much everyone would benefit for it. The Sterling household became a cesspool of screaming, physical fights and neglect. Marina viewed Rhody and Addie as what kept her tied to Tony and Tony viewed them as the reason why he would never be able to move up in life. Rhody and Addie were left to find for their selves from early on to avoid the screaming and fighting. It wasn’t easier, but it was safer.

Addie had been four the first time Rhody had taken her out of the house for the night. They hadn’t had anywhere special to go, Rhody had only been eight. It wasn’t like he had any means to give them another way to live, but they had stayed in a playhouse in the backyard of one of Rhody’s friends until the sun had come out and the duo had sleepily made their way home to get ready for school. The first night Addie had thought it had been fun. Sure it wasn’t the most comfortable and it had gotten a little cold, but it was cool sleeping outside and seeing all the stars and when they came back home they hadn’t even gotten in trouble. Addie had been so worried that Marina or Tony would be worried that they were gone, but as far as she could tell they hadn’t even noticed. And if they had noticed, they definitely didn’t seem bothered.  The sleep outs kept happening, and became more frequent. Addie realized that if their parents were going to be home for a night, a lot of the time Rhody took her out through the window and they would find other places to sleep. She hadn’t realized that the fighting between her parents was violent, she hadn’t been allowed to see it. She only ever heard it. Rhody always hid her away and kept her safe.

But they were both getting bigger and with both kids showing signs of powers, Rhody had made the correct assumption that it was safer to keep them out of the house should an accident happen. Their father had a fragile ego and their mother was incredibly spiteful. Both were proud, both drank, both had horrendous tempers. The combinations could be catastrophic. As the kids grew, Addie became more and more aware of what was going on and found herself in the middle of it just as Rhody had. By the time she was 8, she had wised up. Rhody had protected her the best he could, but he had his own life it couldn’t be there for every single moment like when they both had been little. They had both been caught in the middle of all sorts of fights and now Addie understood why they sometimes slept out of the house. At this point, Rhody had able to set up a shed in the woods not far fromm their house. It had some food, pillows, blankets, a radio and a flashlight. There was a lock that only the two of them had the keys to and while it was still cold, it felt like the safest place they could ever be and they made it their own.

When Rhody realized that part of his power was essentially being a human punching bag, he stopped coming home at all. He would spend days away at a time, leaving Addie to fend for herself. Having no one to protect but herself, Addie didn’t actually have to sleep out of the house as much as she did when Rhody was at home. By the time she was 10 she had learned that if she just stayed in her room on days where failed jobs came across the screener or any news that could be bad for the villain world, she rarely had anything to worry about. It was easy to learn when a blow up was coming anyway, her mom would start making nasty comments to everyone and her father’s fuse would get shorter and shorter. It never failed that the blow up would come the day bad news came across the radar and the moment an “ADDIE” came from down the hall, she wasted no time grabbing essentials and hurrying out of the window to go straight to the shed. Sometimes Rhody was there, sometimes he wasn’t. The nights where he wasn’t, Addie never cried as much as she wanted to. She curled up until the sun rose before carefully making her way home like nothing had happened.

While Addie was hiding, Rhody was out fighting. He was fighting anything and everything he could. Part of it was to get his anger at his parents out of his body, the other part was to prove to himself he was better than his parents. They fought heroes and they did it poorly. He fought everyone without discrimination and did it better than most other kids his age. Sure it landed him in the hospital more often than kids his age and Addie would have to patch him up and play nurse for a few days, but at least he was proving himself every single day. His parents shaped his being a vigilante. He had seen how heroes and villains tore each other part from every single direction and he wanted no part of it. He wanted to fight anyone who was in the wrong, he didn’t want to land on a single side. And now as an adult that was exactly what he did every single night. So, when he texted Addie one night to tell her not to go home and he learned she was Nakamura’s training, his jaw clenched tight and his stomach twisted. Hadn’t Addie had the same childhood he had? Why would she ever want to pick a side, let alone a villain’s side? Their family wouldn’t be accepted in the hero world and they were a laughing stock of the villains. To him it was obvious that she should follow in his footsteps. So obvious infact, he hadn’t even thought to ask her what she thought she wanted to do or what she needed in order to get there. Maybe he had been so focused on establishing his own name, he had forgotten to make sure Addie was taken care of for her future. Of course she had looked elsewhere.

Long gone were the days in the shed. While Rhody still lived at home, he had gotten a loft above a dive bar as his safe haven for when going home wasn’t safe for one reason or another. It wasn’t big. A living room, a small kitchen, and a bedroom that was basically closet. It had the bare minimum as far as furniture and food, but it was his and it was the most stable place of living he had ever had. The only person who knew where it was, let alone had a key to the place, was Addie. She was a frequent flyer of his couch which was absolutely an upgrade from sleeping on a blanket in a shed. Addie had gotten used to being dropped off outside her apartment and then hightailing it to Rhody’s as soon as her friends had cleared out. If Jeb was going to come to the window, it was easy to just stop answering her phone and pretend to be asleep so he wouldn’t think anything of it. While her friends knew that her home life was tumultuous, Addie hadn’t dared tell anyone the extent of it. Not that they would mind, and honestly it would be nice to have other places to go out besides Rhody’s, it was still just so deeply embarrassing. While of course it had made her strong and would probably answer any questions they had about why she was the way that she was, it didn’t mean that it was something she was constantly wanting to talk about.

Addie let herself into Rhody’s loft and wasted no time cracking open a beer. There was a lot she needed to talk to him about and, in true Sterling fashion, that was easier done with any level of liquor in her system. “RHODY! I’M HERE!” She heard her brother’s bedroom door open and she threw a beer at him as he came into the living room as she plopped onto his couch. “Why couldn’t I go home?” No point in beating around the bush, something was going on. Rhody sighed, “It’s good to see you too.” He grumbled. “I was there earlier. Mom was tapped for a job, a big one from what it sounded like.”

“And dad wasn’t?” Rhody nodded his confirmation. “And she took it?” Another nod. “He was already wasted, it wasn’t even dinnertime. Going on and on about me wasting potential and all sorts of other stuff. It wasn’t like it was going to get better by the time you got home so you’ll stay here tonight.” Addie nodded. By the time she got home her father would be belligerent, their mom egging him on and rubbing his face in her success making everything worse. It would absolutely be violent. There was no point in going there if she had no real reason to be. “Remind me again why I can’t just move in here?” “Because it’s not meant to have people over yet and you can’t just live on a couch. Once you’re 18 you’ll get your own place, it’ll be different.” That was still a year and a half off and it seemed unfathomable that she would make it that long. She would have to spill to Jeb or Lydia at some point, especially now that Rhody was more established and busy. Plus it just wasn’t fair to Rhody to have Addie around a hundred percent of the time. He had his own life too.

“Which is actually the other reason you couldn’t go home.” His voice snapped Addie out of her thoughts. “What you’re taking me apartment shopping?” Rhody chuckled, “No. We gotta talk about whatever it is you’re doing, kid.” Addie had no idea what he was talking about. As far as she knew she hadn’t gotten in trouble, she hadn’t done anything recently that would put her on anyones radar. Her face must have shown the confusion because her brother continued. “What are you doing training with Yua and Ryan?” Addie truly hadn’t thought that she was doing anything sketchy by training with Akari’s parents, but apparently it had set off some sort of alarm. “I’m… I’m learning?” She didn’t understand why that was such a hard concept to grasp. Teachers didn’t give her the time of day, her parents certainly weren’t going to teach her anything and Rhody had been increasingly busy. But again Rhody shook his head, “No.. Learning is what it is on the surface. There is always a catch. What is the end goal with that? You going to go work with them?” Addie was stunned. She knew nothing came without a price in this world, but Yua and Ryan had genuinely seemed like the exception. “I don’t.. I don’t know. They haven’t said anything to me.” The conversation with Jeb about the hero internship flashed in her head. It was now or never. “I was actually.. I was kind I thinking about applying for the hero internship?”

The silence that followed that statement was louder than anything Rhody could have ever said. While it was evident that there was no completely clear path in this world for a Sterling, he had been quite sure that the hero path was the last option. “The hero internship.” He finally was able to get out. “And why… why do you think that would be a good idea?” Addie shrugged. “I’m just thinking about it. It’s what most of my friends are doing and it’s not like I want to work with mom and dad, but I don’t know if I want to be on my own.. At least that way I can make my own connections and figure it out.” She was quiet for a few moments. “I’ve gotten really strong.. Really good. Jeb thinks I actually have a shot at getting in.”

“Jeb thinks!  Jeb thinks!’ Rhody repeated, shaking his head in disappointment. “You would do all that just for a boy?” Addie blinked. “What? No that’s not-” Rhody cut her off. “Would you use your head for once? You’re a smart kid Addie and you’re powerful as sin. You want to give all that to the hero world? The world that did nothing for us our entire lives? When we were sleeping in backyards as kids where were the heroes then?” Addie was silent. “Nowhere,” Rhody continued, “Nowhere. Because they don’t care about what is actually right and who actually needs help. For them the world is all black and white, but that’s not reality.” He was up off the couch now, pacing. Hie anger had more to do at the institution itself as opposed to Addie, but he didn’t like the idea of Addie actually joining it either.

“So you’d rather I be like mom and dad? I’m not smart enough to be on my own in the villain world, I’d have to hench.” That was unfathomable. Their name made it almost impossible to move up in the villain world, their parents being so unpredictable and being a hench forever sounded like a nightmare. Rhody rolled his eyes. “Of course not. Either side is a bad side, that’s what I’m getting at. There is no reason why you can’t stay in the middle. Do what I do. Patrol, fight for what you actually think is right not what whoever is running your team tells you is right.” He studied his sister, trying to figure out what she was thinking, but luckily she spoke. “The gray area I like… it’s the being on my own that I don’t like…” Addie looked at Rhody, her eyes big and tired from years of fending for herself. Both Sterling children were just so worn out. “I’m so sick of feeling like it’s just me, or you and me, against everyone else. I’m not like you. I don’t know if I’m meant to be like that forever.”

Rhody couldn’t blame her. He didn’t care about needing people around him, he was good on his own. If people wanted to be on side side great, if not then there was no love lost. But Addie wasn’t like that, she had never been like that. She didn’t need to have people around her, but she greatly preferred when they were. Something he hadn’t taken into consideration before his little blow up. “Look.” Rhody sat back down. “Apply. See what happens. But don’t you make a single decision based off of what your friends are doing. That’s never going to serve you. You make every decision for yourself and you go from there.” Addie nodded. Honestly, a better conclusion to the conversation than she had expected. “And I will be on your side if I agree that it’s the best decision for you. Deal?” Addie nodded again. There wasn’t much that she could say. She didn’t even know what she wanted to do or what would be best for her, but at least this was a start. Rhody’s ‘work’ phone buzzed and he sighed, grabbing the keys to his bike. “I have to take care of this. Stay in, stay out of trouble, I’ll be back.” He squeezed Addie’s shoulder and wasted no more time heading out the door before Addie could even mutter a ‘stay safe.’ And Addie was left alone, again, with everything to think about. She typed out a message to Jeb, We need to talk and her thumb hovered over send before she tossed her phone to the other end of the couch. They did need to talk, but where to even begin?

[the-sultan-of-strange]

So! Tonight I had the most intensely terrifying night of probably my entire life. :)

Because, see, today is the first day of the spring semester so I went to bed completely pent up and unable to sleep. I kept tossing and turning around in bed for hours, trying my hardest to fall asleep but unable to because my mind was too noisy.

So at one point, about two hours before I have to wake up, I decide "fuck it" and reach for my phone to dick around on Tumblr until I have to wake up. And I'm already feeling awful about not sleeping any tonight because I really need my sleep and I always start feeling like I failed at life if I miss a night of sleep, but then it starts becoming more and more evident that something is off.

First off, total fucking silence, no trains in the distance, no barking dogs, nothing, only my breathing, the shuffling of the bedsheets and the occasional voices coming from my phone that I definitely did not tell it to produce. The voices are female, and sound like they're quietly speaking in a choir, in a drawn-out chanty way.

At this point I'm still in denial, so I just quietly wait and pray until they go away and I hope it was just a video I forgot to mute.

Also, I'm having this clawing feeling in the back of my head that I'm completely alone.

See, I live with my mom, stepdad and my maternal grandparents in the house, it's dead middle of the darkest night I've ever experienced, and there I am absolutely convinced that there's nobody else in the house than me, the darkness and the voices from my phone. And my brain comes to the conclusion that since they obviously wouldn't just go out in the middle of a dark winter night, that leaves that either something quietly took them or they never existed in the first place.

This of course prompts more denial so I dive right back into Tumblr, more voices, more waiting for it to be over, more scrolling further and further in a dashboard that becomes increasingly repetitive as it goes on, with the same ominous phrase popping up in the captions under seemingly unrelated posts. Sometimes in text, sometimes said by the voices. I don't remember what  the phrase was, but it disturbed me to a point where I was ready to start screaming at nothing out of sheer anxiety.

At this point almost my entire dash is composed of nothing but one post repeating ad infinitum. It's an image that looks like it was taken with a forest trail cam at night. It's a group of women or girls, wearing short-sleeved nurse scrubs and surgical masks. Their hair is done up in identical hairdos, kind of like bobcuts but slicked back and stretching out to the back. I don't remember their faces. I'm not sure they had faces.

Each iteration of the post is this one single photo, captioned with the phrase. Sometimes there are voices, sometimes there aren't. Occasionally I come across a post that isn't this one post, so I keep scrolling in hopes that I find more normal posts. I do, but there's always more of the one post. The more I scroll the worse it becomes. At one point I put on my headphones and try to listen to some music, but it's drowned out by some sort of garbled noise that feels like the worst thing I have ever heard.

Eventually it gets so bad I'm reduced to just lying on the bed and staring into the darkness while my phone talks in voices (somehow my eyes couldn't get used to the darkness like usually, it was all pitch black aside from the part of my bed lit up by the phone screen). I feel like I'm inches away from snapping and starting to scream.

Then the voices slowly die down, and then a few seconds or minutes later (I'm not even sure anymore) I'm scared to death by an extremely loud male voice going "HEY DUDE" from the phone.

I pick up the phone and look at the screen. It's a Hangouts video chat, somehow, even though it didn't ring, it just kinda started on its own. The voice is one of my internet friends’ (let’s call him M), which is odd since I have never heard his voice but I immediately recognize it as his voice. The face is also M's, which is even odder since I have seen his face and that's definitely not his face. These are all things I realized later since at that moment I was so overjoyed at having someone talk to that I didn't think about 1. how did this person start talking to me without ringing my phone, 2. how is he M when he looks nothing like him and 3. how did I recognize a voice I've never heard before.

Thinking about it later, the only similarity between M's face and the one on my screen was that both are black. M is a black guy, and so is the man staring at me from my phone screen. But looking at his image for a little bit, I noticed that his skin wasn’t right. It was way too shiny. Like, oil slick shiny. Sure, he had the facial structure of a black person, but his skin looked like someone methodically smeared an even layer of tar over it to make it look black. It was like his face was real, but his skin was not.

By the time I assessed his face from closer up, I have processed that the person I’m talking to is not, in fact, my internet friend M. And at this point it clicks in me that this is not all random. There’s a system to it. There’s a logic to it. The image of the weird nurses, the female choir of voices, the anxiety-inducing unknown sentence, and not-M cheerfully saying hello to me with his tar-textured false face. There is some sort of logic holding these things together, though I cannot for the life of me figure out what kind of logic.

And I get the vague conviction that this logic belongs to something. Something that is observing me.

Anyway, my conversation with not-M lasted only a few seconds, and consisted only of three sentences, but it was minutes for me. I took it surprisingly casually, probably because my brain decided to ignore how fake and wrong everything about this situation was because finally talking to an apparent human person trumped that. Maybe it was that. It’s also possible that I was simply too deep into denial to care anymore.

So talk we do.

He asks "hey man, what are you doing", and I reply "nothing much". Then I remember I have to wake up in 1-2 hours depending on how much time (if any) actually passed since I turned on my phone, so I add: "But you know, I should be in bed right now."

And in the exact moment I spoke those words, my morning alarm went off.

I was lying in bed, it was morning and my phone was lying right next to me on the pillow, exactly where I picked it up from to go on Tumblr.

As it turns out, I dreamt the whole fucking thing from the moment I "turned on" my phone. My asshole brain just simply didn't feel the need to notify me that I had, in fact, fallen asleep, and instead chose to project me into a dark and uncanny knockoff of my bedroom which then proceeded to methodically break down into a surreal unreality around me, while I believed it to be the real, waking world all the while. No shrieking nightmare monster can compare to the sheer horror and anxiety of a world that is just a little bit not right.

Moral of the story: liminal spaces ain't your fucking friend. I tried it out tonight, and I think I had an encounter with a Lovecraftian psychological parasite created by my own brain that feeds on uncomfortableness, anxiety and fear.

Oh and also, in case you forgot, the two hours spent in this surreal psychological horrorscape were the only two hours I’ve slept tonight. Funtimes. :)

[btsxyou]

Just Friends, Right? Pt.2 [M]

Note: Follow up to the first part, this time... focusing on tae;) also this is partly inspired from a dream i had and a song i love the bolded texts are texts from tae, not to him, I’ll do a third part if asked maybe !

Warnings: smut, language, smoking, alcohol use, angsty?maybe?

The test from your last class left you sitting in your next one, head in hands.  You had 7 minutes before it started, 7 minutes to mope about your potential score before having to dive head first into another lesson.  

Thursdays were your longest days out of the week.  Your classes started early, ending late, and not leaving a bunch of time in between, just enough to grab a meal and maybe watch an episode of a show or quickly finish some homework.

“I’m gonna guess... your exam score is gonna land you straight on the President’s List?”  His deep voice beside you was surprising.  You had forgotten he was even in this class.  It had been weeks since you spoke, only having the same class twice a week allowed you to see him very little, especially when you weren’t looking for him.

“Do you mind if I sit next to you?”

Usually you sat alone, not really knowing many people in your classes.  So you shook your head no, allowing yourself to have company for once. He pulled the blue chair back, the rollers on the bottom rattling against the tiles.

“How have you been?” You asked him, reluctant to bring your eyes to his face.

“From the looks of it, better than you.” He scoffed at your current state.  No matter how much you studied for that class, you never did well on the tests.  Where the hell do those questions come from? How are you supposed to know things you never learned?

You were left with no choice but to finish your conversation later.  Your professor had started teaching the moment he walked in the room. So you sat next to Taehyung, quietly taking notes.  Breathing in his enticing scent, a faint hint of cigarette smoke mixed with something much, much sweeter.

You walked with Taehyung out of the building, his long fingers fishing for a cigarette in the breast pocket of his denim jacket.  He was truly beautiful, his face perfectly symmetrical, his eyes hypnotizing.  He was also one of the nicest people you’ve ever met.  It was strange, in the beginning you were so quick to judge him.  He wore black often, smoked, you even saw him at several parties making out with girls who probably were so trashed that they didn’t even know their own name.

He was friends with everyone, it seemed.  He knew Jimin somehow, already.  And he managed to pull you in at the beginning of the year, those tantalizing spiral eyes of his beckoning you, his simple beauty unlike anything.  You had no idea what to even compare him to, how to explain him.  He seemed to be many people within one body.  He knew exactly what to do and at what time, being able to transform himself completely for whatever he may be doing.

Girls absolutely melted at the sight of him, he and Jimin as a duo were extremely popular, you knew.  The whispers and the rumors, although you didn’t have many friends you still heard.  It was those small things that ate at you.  You had Jimin pinned under your finger but he wouldn’t ever choose you. Taehyung had really wanted you, and at this point you ceased to believe those feelings still existed within him.

When he first met you, he had saw you outside a club, talking with a few people who were smoking outside. You just needed the “fresh” air. When you came back inside you ordered a drink from the bar, standing and waiting on the bartender, who couldn't mix fast enough. A hand with slim fingers slid you cigarette, a phone number written on the side.

“You want it?”

Your eyes followed from his hand, up his arm, to one of the most beautiful faces you had ever seen. He was so breathtaking that you took it, even though you knew you shouldn’t have. You stuck it in your purse, waiting for a later day to text it, if you ever would. The next semester the same face appeared in one of your classes, the cigarette still burning a hole in your purse, you could feel the heat off it intermingling with the heat from his eyes as he locked his with yours, traveling to the back of the classroom, a small smile across his lips, eyes hidden under dark lashes whose tips met the length of his bangs.

It didn’t stop there.

He didn’t even have to search for your attention, you knew the second he walked into the room, and the second he left. You could feel his eyes on you from the back of the room, begging you to look in his direction. After a few weeks of this he finally stopped you after class, the same deep voice raising every hair on your body on end, chills racing up and down your spine.  How does just his voice do this to you?

“Ah, I’m sorry, I should apologize for always making eye contact with you. I believe we’ve met once before, I’m glad we got to meet again.” His smile was so wide, like he slept with a block in his mouth. He kept his eyes on you as he took a few steps back, then turned and walked away completely.

One Friday night Jimin blew you off for some party, and you got curious enough to text this mysterious number.  It was a big class, the professor didn’t have time to call roll, it would take a good bit of class time. So they had other methods, which left you without knowing so much as his name.

“Cigarette girl? I never thought you’d actually text.”

“I’m home tonight, I feel you may think thats surprising. It kind of is, but I needed a break, just a night to relax. How are you?”

“Yeah, definitely. Would you wanna grab a late night burger? I’m starving.”

“Yeah, of course now. We don’t have to. But if you’d like, meet me at the diner?”

“Sounds good. 20 mins?”

Thats how it began. You had an innocent burger and a really good time with a random guy, who looked so dark and untrustworthy, who smelled like malt liquor, cigarettes, mixed with the sweetest fruits of them all. He was like a sheep in wolf’s clothing, the complete opposite of the lot of guys around campus. He was so honest, so curious, so sweet and it made him so much more interesting because he looked everything but. He paid for your meal, which you were planning on taking care of yourself but he insisted. You couldn’t help it, everything about him was irresistible. He looked like danger but he was as sweet as sugar and it pulled you in.

But all that, his innocent dates and gestures mixed with the strong friendship of you and Jimin, just didn’t add up. Anything you tried to build with Taehyung could not work, you had to break if off with him. Although he was like a complete dream, it had to come to and end. And thats what lead you here.

“Are you going to eat lunch now?” he asked, cigarette between teeth, one hand lighting, the other cupping the flame.

“I don’t know. Usually I do.”

He nodded, taking a long drag before reaching his hand out, stick between two long fingers.  

“Here, you need it. I know you do.”

You took it from him, his fingers brushing against yours.  Were his hands always this big?

You placed the filtered tip in your mouth, inhaling deeply.  It had been forever since you had smoked, but God, he was right.  It felt so good, so natural.  

“My place is right across the street, if you want grab something to eat there? You don’t have to.  I just know your apartment is further, thought I’d offer.”

“No, yeah. That sounds good to me.” You handed his cigarette back to him as you both walked towards his apartment. You focused your eyes on the sidewalk most of the way, trying to not look at anyone.  Girls already gave you looks for walking with Jimin, you didn’t need more hatred staring holes into you because you were with Taehyung.

“Y/N...” Jimin’s voice echoed through the apartment. “There’s a party tonight, you should come.” His voice made its way closer to you, reaching from down the hall to your bedroom door. He peeked around the doorframe at you with raised eyebrows.

“Yeah, I guess I could go.” There was no point in laying around all evening in grief anyways.  The exam was over, and that was yesterday.  You had yet to find out the grade.  Why don’t professors feel the same urgency as students?

You rolled off your bed and wandered to your closet, Jimin watching you rummage through your clothing from the doorway. It was never easy picking something to wear for parties, because you wanted to look good, but not too good.  You wanted to go, have a drink or two, enjoy the social moments with Jimin as much as you could without being bothered by random guys looking to fuck.

The house was dark, dance music bouncing off the walls. There was a lively amount of chatter throughout the living room as you made your way inside, squeezing past girls in skin tight skirts, trying to follow Jimin towards the kitchen. Every person inside this house found a way to make you feel insecure.

You hardly ever went out, only when Jimin begged you.  That always resulted in him being completely turned on by they way you looked before you even left, causing you to have an early night. In the back of your mind you were hoping that tonight might be the same as all the others.

Jimin had found Taehyung in the kitchen, amidst the counters full of liquor.  There were about three girls with him, two leaning against the island and one underneath his arm.  Jimin greeted everyone, his hand running through his silky hair.  You couldn’t help but to feel out of place.  Usually he was hanging on to you, watching you. It was always about you when you were together.

But Tae’s eyes were only on you.  You felt them start at your feet and make their way up, taking in every inch of you. His large hand handed you a red cup, and you looked right into the random liquid catching your own confused reflection. His eyes still on you, you took a drink from it, not even caring what was inside.  As long as he was looking at you this way, you’d do anything he asked.

“I’m gonna go outside for a smoke,” His eyes never left yours, although he was announcing his actions to everyone around him. “Y/N, you wanna come with me?”

You waited a second, expecting Jimin to say “Y/N doesn’t smoke, it bothers her.” But the words never came. He was deep in conversation with one of the girls that was propped against the island, who’s IQ was probably that of a snail. His words were quiet, voice as sensual as can be, a small smile playing at his lips. So you guessed this was him when you weren’t around, and you were right.

You followed Tae outside, cup in hand. You highly doubted that he would give you anything mysterious, so one cup wasn’t going to do it. You needed at least two more drinks to feel at ease, to let Jimin’s ignorance slip out of your mind. Out of sight, out of mind, right? And speaking of, he was nowhere to be found when you passed back through the doorway.  You looked around for his freshly colored mop of hair but it was too dark, too loud.  

Taehyung handed you another cup, raising his own to you as if to praise the night that he finally got you alone without Jimin to pull you away from him.  And if Jimin really didn’t want to be with you tonight, you may as well spend the night with Taehyung doing whatever you wanted to.  He made you feel like you deserved it, after your rough week, sharing cigarettes with you… and not making out with some girl in the living room.  As you turned around taking a sip of your drink your finally caught him, tongue deep in some girls mouth against the far wall.

The sight made you wanna choke, there was little you could do in this type of situation at all.  As if he was some blessed guardian angel, Taehyung stepped right in front of you to block your view, preventing you from looking straight into heartache and right into the face of pure exceptional beauty instead.

In some moment of weakness and motivated desire you stepped closer to Taehyung, setting your drink somewhere to the side of you on a countertop.  His response was in the form of moving closer himself, with one eyebrow raised in pure skepticism. He was a little shocked by your behavior, but not enough to keep him from smirking a millisecond later and leaning down until his lips brushed your ear.

With a hot breath that sent shivers down your entire body in anticipation, he asked if you’d like to get out of the crowd and someplace a little more private, then grabbed your hand and led you away.

Subtly knocking at a door at what he must’ve known to be a bedroom, he opened the door at the lack of response from inside and you followed right behind him.

You shut the door and you both looked at each other for a minute, a strange animalistic vibe bouncing off every surface in the room finally hit the both of you and you attacked each other with the kind of rage only long lost, horny as hell lovers could have. 

You stripped his leather jacket off him immediately, ripping open his buttoned shirt as buttons hit the floor and scattered into hiding. He was a lot more gentle with your clothes, pulling your shirt off over your head and unhooking your bra, which you slid right off your arms and onto the floor while never breaking eye contact with him. 

You were burning, on a fire streak that at this point could only be calmed if he touched you. You watched as he undid his belt buckle, sliding down his pants but leaving his underwear, which you found to be a pity. 

You walked towards him, as he stood closest to the bed, not sure of what kind of move to make next.  He didn’t bother you to kiss you, and it wouldn’t be the first time tonight either that he didn’t try. 

He pulled you close as if he wanted his lips on yours as badly as you wanted them, but seemed to just breathe in while staring into your eyes, hand on your back of your neck moving to the front, pushing you down on the mattress. 

“I wanna get a taste of what Jimin’s been getting. Can you treat me just as good?” His lips were are the start of your breasts, cheek resting against your skin with big eyes staring up at you through lashes.

“I own Jimin.” As if you saying it made it anymore true. He looked like he didn’t doubt it for a second as his hands slid down your back and to the waistband of your skirt.

“Yeah? But does he own you?” He asked, pulling your skirt and underwear off in one motion. In any situation other than this you might have been hurt, knowing full well you’re at Jimin’s disposal.

Taehyung nipped at the skin of your breast and made his way south, getting his tongue and teeth on everything he possibly could along the way. He bit at your inner thighs as a wave of heat rushed over your body, legs almost trembling in desire for his mouth to be directly between your legs, doing exactly what he said he wanted to do. 

You laid back on the mattress, and he propped both of your legs on his shoulders, opening you up to him so that he could have a good view.  You felt his hot breath against you, knowing that you had to dripping wet to even feel that. You imagined that he was taking in the sight, smirking with his perfectly shaped lips.

He was the type to take note of every little thing, learning fast what people liked and what they didn’t so he was always able, and quick to, please. 

His tongue was immediate and unexpected, causing you to gasp as it flattened out on your folds, then dug between them leading from your entrance to your clit. His hands gripped at the outsides of your thighs, keeping you from closing your legs on his head, his fingers digging into the skin. 

His tongue drummed up a quick pace over your clit, and he stopped caring about his head being squished long enough to slide a finger right inside you, letting it crawl around inside until it found the right spot, and then never leaving it alone.

He gave unbelievably good head, which if you were in your right mind you probably would’ve blown that off too because of course he does what are you thinking? But he was completely inside your brain now, taking over your entire body with just a tongue and a finger. 

It was so good you thought you were gonna lose it, but the second your legs began those orgasm-chasing shakes, he quit. As unexpectedly as he started.

You let out a confused moan, quickly propping yourself up on your elbows, giving him a puzzled look. 

“Not yet.” He said simply, and angel grin on his face as if he was a completely different person from the one who led you into this bedroom.

 “Scoot.” He motioned towards the pillows behind you, your eyes following his gesture, and then your body following his command.

He slipped off his boxers quickly, leaving them on the floor right in place. You were almost surprised at his length, hard and bobbing as he crawled on the bed towards you, but then again you remembered that of course, he has a package like that.

You wanted to kiss him, to feel his lips on yours, but the second you raised your body to reach his, a hand wrapped around your throat shoving you back down onto the mattress, looking down at you with that sickeningly beautiful smile.

His hand was large, encasing your whole neck and then some, thumb reaching up on your chin to eventually trace over your lips and slip in between them. He felt each breath and gulp you had while waiting to see what happened next, loving every second of how you felt beneath his hands, even doing the simplest things.

His free hand knocked your knees apart, and grabbed a thigh to pull you closer to him in a way that was startling, but not uncomfortable. He rubbed the tip of his dick over your folds, feeling you on him, before feeling you around him. 

Listening to your soft moans, he finally pushed himself inside you, waiting a second for your both to adjust to the feeling before moving around any.

The first thrust was go good, it was like feeling every inch of him inside you, squeezing yourself around him making sure not to miss a single thing.  It wasn’t really like you to savor something to much, because you were usually the one in charge and not taking it. 

You decided to enjoy this rare moment to its fullest.  Taehyung dropped to elbows hovering above you, trying not to look into your eyes at all, but instead get his teeth back on your neck, getting bites at your skin while he listened to you moan in his ear, a sound he wanted to hear up close. He grabbed a handful of your hair, in a position now to thrust deep and hard while your legs wrapped around his waist, pulling him impossibly closer and trapping him there.  His tongue traced over ever place his teeth touched and abused.  With a soft groan in your ear, he instructed you to turn over.

“Hands and knees, baby.” He pulled out of you and scooted back to give your room.  You flipped over as he easily slid back inside you, and it felt amazing, as if doing it backwards made all the difference. 

He reached up for your hair again, pulling you back on him as hard as he could before saying, “Fuck yourself on me, baby.”

You didn’t hesitate to follow his orders, although consequence followed either way.  You bounced back on him, hips swirling here and there, doing whatever it was you had to do to make yourself feel so good. The kind of good that just left a hunger inside you and a full desperate attempt to chase at the end. 

He seemed to know exactly what you were doing, what you were after, because you heard a smack and then felt the delayed sting on your ass. You even swore you heard a giggle from him after doing so.  

His hands gripped at your waist, feeling his fingernails digging into your skin and scratching slightly, which felt oddly amazing and he began to guide you now, occasionally smacking your ass when he felt like it was time for a good spank, a mixed laugh and groan leaving his lips every time like it brought him immense joy. 

He flipped you over again, almost without warning other than the hands gripping your waist, and pushing into you again with a deep groan so delicious you were craving it like a dessert. 

You could hear yourself whimpering but you couldn’t begin to care, he knew exactly what spots to hit, exactly what to do, and when his fingers brushed your clit you knew you were done for, but part of you didn’t want any of this to end. 

God, you wanted to touch him, to pull him closer, to feel his breath against your face, against your neck, to kiss him and taste him and have him all to yourself. 

He always kept his distance this way though, knowing that you really weren’t his, and that being that close wasn’t really an option for his big heart.  Fucking was fucking but doing... even that was too much. 

Fingers running over your clit softly but with increasing speed, thrusting into you so deep you had tears in your eyes, watching you from above and biting his lip, just waiting for you to explode, probably so he could, too.

His stamina was incredible, but you could’ve figured that with his scoresheet of women (and probably men, too) he wouldn’t have any less. He could probably fuck you for days without even bothering to cum, but what a waste that would be, especially.

The build up was painful, because it wasn’t the first but you knew this time was the last so it helped that you could just let go and let is consume your body even though the overstimulation might be immediate and partly undesirable, but it made that much better.  Taehyung loved to see and feel what you did underneath his hands, how wet his fingers were, how your body jolted slightly and then shook under the weight of your orgasm. 

He was such a physical lover, than feeling everything he made you feel and hearing how he made you feel was always enough to be something that sent him over the edge. When your body eased under his touch he brought his fingers to his lips and placed them on his tongue, tasting your wetness all over them and savoring it, sucking on his fingers as he was ready to blow, pulling back and just managing to get the warm translucent white on your thigh and the bedsheets. 

The bedsheets weren’t his worry, they were whoever’s house this was to clean up.  The consequences of having a party.  Your thigh however, was his biggest worry.  He wiped up ever bit with his fingers and brought it to your mouth to have a taste, to taste him as much as he tasted you.

He grinned devilishly as you licked at his fingers, sucking them into your mouth, then proceeding to collapse right beside you.

You both laid there panting, staring at the ceiling as life rushed back into you, and to fog cleared from your brains, leaving you to remember why you were even here in the first place.

“You saw him with her didn’t you?” Taehyung finally spoke, still staring at the ceiling.

How did he know? Are you that easy to read? Can everyone see everything? You thought you were private, that everything was a lot deeper.

“You don't have to answer me.” He added. “I know you did.  That’s the only reason why you were with me.  Do you regret it now?”

You shook your head.  You couldn’t bring yourself to speak.  You felt so satisfied, so good, but so so so guilty.  The feelings were so conflicting you felt lost. You wanted more than anything to just disappear off the Earth, forget about everything. You sat up, looking for your clothes to put back on, and Taehyung did the same.

“I really like you. I do.  I know it’s obvious because I tried to be with you, make something out of us.  I know he’s why you didn’t stay with me. You’re so dense.”

“What? I liked you, I just felt guilty.” You asked, face scrunched in disbelief.

“You are really so dense--” His words interrupted by the bedroom door bursting open.

“Y/N!” He looked at Taehyung then back to you, taking in the situation. You swore the smell of sex lingered in the room, mixing with all of your guilt. You clutched your shirt, holding it up to your naked chest, still in shock from Jimin bursting in.

“I’ve been looking for you.  So this is where you’ve been?” His face was completely blank.  No emotion, not even blinking.  You had never seen him this way, he was always smiling, he was always caring, he was always interested and alive.

“We were just talking.” Taehyung said calmly, sliding his shirt back on over his head.

“Oh, yeah.  I forgot that when you want to talk to someone you have to be completely naked.  Don’t give me that bullshit.  I know you were fucking.  Why you? Out of all people.” His face was coming alive again but it wasn’t his bright self. It was something much, much darker. He stepped further into the room, shutting the door behind him.

“Why does it matter, Jimin? It’s not like I stole her off your arm. In fact where were you?  That’s the real question to ask.  Last time I saw you your tongue was down some girls throat. If you weren’t being such an asshole then maybe Y/N wouldn’t have slept with me.”

“Yeah, for like five minutes.  I’m always with Y/N at parties. Everyone knows that.” Jimin ran his hand through is hair completely annoyed.

“So... then you save all the other times you have for fucking other girls. Why do you always leave Y/N out in the cold?” Taehyung was really on your side for this, it was like the embodiment of all your feelings and anger towards Jimin, finally being expressed without you having to say anything at all.

“Why the fuck are you mad at me for? You do the exact same thing.”

You struggled to put your shirt back on, hurriedly.  You wanted to somehow make an escape from the two yelling boys, go somewhere.  Get out of this house.  The bedroom you were in felt like nothing, like a prison, the complete feeling of being trapped alone with Jimin and Taehyung brought to life. You couldn’t breathe here. It was too much.

You darted for the door, Taehyung and Jimin too into their argument to even notice you had ran out.  You pushed your way through all of the sweaty bodies, some kissing, some dancing. All definitely drunk. Every single person in that room a disgusting reminder of what you were, just a body.  You meant shit to Jimin.  He didn’t care, he didn’t care, he didn’t care.  And somehow you were everything to Tae? It made absolutely no sense. And now you’re stuck feeling again like you have to choose someone.  Your heart, your head, everything inside you lives and breathes for Jimin, but Tae is different.  He expressed feelings for you numerous times.  For God’s sakes you actually noticed him while you were having sex.  He was real and he was there, you couldn’t have even picked Jimin out of a line up. Your mind was only on Tae.

You can’t deny that there’s not something there. Jimin knew everything about you, he could read you so well, but so could Tae. And he didn’t even have to ask. What was he seeing? Why are you so dense? His eyes peered right into your soul, those eyes that had you captivated, so lost inside could see everything.

But Jimin. You couldn’t just settle for someone with those mysterious eyes.  No matter how much he saw, how much he admitted to liking you or how well he fucked you.  You needed someone that could accept you at your worst, someone you knew would take care of you and love you endlessly. You needed Jimin, you had always needed him.  Although your relationship was anything but romantic you knew he could be that way, and that he could do it well. Taehyung was beautiful, everything about him drew a person in because there was no way to absolutely understand him.  But Jimin was everything.  Like sunshine on a summer day and ice cream, finally walking on the beach after a 10 hour drive to get there. He was happiness and love and your best friend in the whole world and no matter what you did you were in love with him.

You finally made it out the front door.  There’s nothing left to do now.  So you run.

A/N: I may make a 3rd part to this if requested to do so, so if you like it and want to see what happens next, send me an ask!

[itsabrendanthing]

Preface

I just finished this and felt the need to clarify something about my posts. With most posts like this that are about what’s going on in my head and my feelings, I have a vague idea of what I want to write and just start going with it. Sometimes it goes were I plan and sometimes it just goes off into some place I didn’t plan or even expect. This is one of those posts. I approach these writings as if I am writing in a private journal. I have never been one to share too much. I have never been one to let people see certain aspects about me. The only ones to see some of it has always been my wife and children. So for some posts, I get a bit uncomfortable actually putting them out there. I write and don’t think about anyone else reading it. Once I am done, there have been a couple of articles that I was hesitant about posting here, this being one of them. I told myself when I started this though, that whatever ended up coming out would go up. I have kept true to that so far even when some things cut so close to a nerve. I have always been a very private person. These writings dive headlong into things I never let people know about. This is way outside of my wheel house. Though this isn’t a cry for help from me. I am not looking for pity. I am not looking for sympathy. I am not necessarily looking for advice. To be totally honest, the majority of people around me are in no way not equipped or have an understanding to offer any such advice on the subject. Though I guess one way to look at this is maybe I am looking to give some understanding of what is going on. Understanding to myself and maybe to those around me. Maybe I am looking to try to get people to empathize with people in my situation. Maybe in that way, those around me will understand a little when I do or say certain things. Or act a certain way around them. Or when I decline to join in on a get together or have to take a few moments to myself when around others. Who knows. For many of these posts, I really don’t care if anyone reads them. At least the ones having to do with my thoughts and feelings. The ones about Brendan and memories about him, I do want people to read. I want everyone to read them to keep his memory alive. Posts like this one, not so much. This one was a  rough one. With that said, buckle up for the ride and read further if you want.

  Our summer has been spent selling our house and looking for a new place to call home. It was spent packing and running around setting up financing for a new house, getting ready to leave our old house and doing everything associated with house buying and selling. Basically, we haven’t really enjoyed the summer. Sure we took a brief vacation which was a nice distraction but other than that, it has all been about houses. I have been stressed to no end. I have been worrying and obsessing. I haven’t slept well most of the summer. And right now I am thankful for all of that. All the stress. All the worrying. All the busy times packing. All of it. Because the thing is, all that kept other things at bay. The obsessing kept my mind occupied. It kept it focused else where. Brendan is always in my minds eye but the obsessing and stressing on house stuff dulled some of the feelings associated with it. The big hurdle we had was jumped on the last Friday in August when the people buying our house closed on it. I left it that Friday morning for the last time. That afternoon someone else called it home. To be honest, I was glad for it. I plan on writing about the house and my thoughts and feelings about selling it so I won’t go into it here. I’ll just say it was a relief selling it. At the same time, Friday was a rough day for me. As the day wore on, it got harder and harder. It felt like a weight pushing down on me. I felt more and more sad sitting at work as the day progressed. It wasn’t the sale of the house that did that. Well not specifically. I mean it was but not in the way you would figure. It wasn’t that I was going to miss that house. It was that the pressure of selling it was off. It was that the thousands of little things that could go wrong in selling it didn’t happen and the house was officially gone. It was the stress was gone. It was the things keeping my mind and feelings at bay suddenly evaporated. That darkness and grief descended into my head again like a constrictor that had been waiting patiently for the right moment. Slowly circling and coiling itself around my mind. Moving into position. Then when the time was right it started squeezing in and before I realized it, I was caught again. By the time I left work Friday, I was a bit of a mess. Queue a couple of songs played when driving home from work and man was I lost. We were staying with friends starting on that Friday night since we were homeless as of that afternoon. I couldn’t go there like that.

What to do? Where to go? Who to talk to? There was only one place I had to go. I went to visit my son. It was a bright, warm, sunny afternoon. We had our son cremated and laid his ashes to rest in an outside monument at the cemetery. We had a stone memorial bench added in front of where he rests. There is a picture of him from his last hockey season on the top of the bench.

  The memorial bench in front of his final resting place

His smiling face looking up at me. Most of the ride there was made with tears in my eyes and sitting there alone with my thoughts of Brendan and missing him so very much only increased them. I talked to him a bit but mostly I just sat there looking at his picture sobbing. In the end all that was coming to my mind and all that I could say sitting there was, “I am sorry.” “I am so so sorry, buddy” Over and over that came out of my mouth. That guilt. It cuts deep. I don’t know how to get away from that feeling of guilt. As a parent… as a father, how can you not feel some kind of guilt at losing your child to suicide. You question everything you have ever done raising you kids. You second guess every decision. You obsess over your words said over the years. I always thought we were pretty good parents. I always thought I did a decent job at being a father. I was very much involved in my kids lives. I did my best to teach them how to be a good person. I tried to be there for them for whatever they needed. I tried to provide for them and give them a good life. I tried to protect them from any external element. I tried to give them the tools to protect themselves when I wasn’t there and to stand up on their own 2 feet when needed. I tried to think of everything they would need to have a healthy long life. And in the end, I failed. That is how I see it anyway. Oh I know, in that rational part of me that there are things I had no idea about that were going on in my son’s head and there are things you can’t account for. That doesn’t matter though. What matters is I was the dad and I failed my boy. How do you save someone from them self?  How do you protect someone from their own mind? Man I wish I knew. I lost a  child and I didn’t even know he was struggling. And what scares the absolute hell out of me right now is that I have another child and I know she is struggling. She has had her problems for a while and we did and do know that and we have been trying to help her for some time. She had a rough time when she went away to school. So much rougher than she let on to us. Now you add the loss of her little brother and her finding him. It scares me. I watch the spiral she has been in and feel helpless to help her. We know she has mental health issues. I can’t even attempt to understand them myself because I have never suffered from anything she is going through. What am I supposed to do? I am at a loss. I try. And again, I fail. I try to deal with it with reason and rationality because that is who I am. I approach most things that way. That is how my mind works. When dealing with her when she is having issues, reason and rationality are the first things to leave her and I am stuck. I have no idea where to go from there. I get frustrated and angry. We end up fighting. I didn’t save my son and I am watching my daughter struggle before my eyes. These are the things that keep me up at night. These are the things that are wearing on me. These are the things that are wearing me down.

In my head, I am screaming. My mind is telling me I just can’t do this. It seems an impossible task. How can I live with this. I honestly don’t know. I have no other option but to continue to do it though. Continue to work at finding someway to deal with it. I don’t know any other way to be. I will continue to try. I don’t know what to do to help my daughter but I will continue to try. As frustrating as it is, I can’t not try. I am the dad. I have to find some way to help her. I just have to.

In the end, the feeling that I failed my son will always be there. That guilt will always be there. I will never shake it. Again, rationally I understand that there were so many factors that contributed to what happened with Brendan, many things I had no control over, but I was the dad. The idea that I still could have saved him, should have saved him, will always crawl around in my mind. That I won’t ever be able to shake. At the same time, the idea that I just can’t (whatever that ultimately means) will also be there. On that front though, it isn’t an option not to. It isn’t in me not to deal with it.

I Can’t… I Just Can’t. Preface I just finished this and felt the need to clarify something about my posts. With most posts like this that are about what's going on in my head and my feelings, I have a vague idea of what I want to write and just start going with it.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #180

“why don’t presidents fight the war, why do they always send the poor?”

Do you study anything? If so what? Not currently.. Listening to music? What’s the opening and last lyric of the song? "From her throne of skulls rules our queen of endless might / and lead us the the kingdom of chaos where the dark hearts forever dwell" ("Dark Mother Divine" by Dissection). Are you a fan of sci-fi? Neutral. What’s your favorite musical? Musicals make me cringe. Have you ever taken an underwater picture? No. What was your favorite color when you was little? Has it changed? Red, and then pink when I learned it was its own color. It's still pink. Are you a fan of cheesecake? Omfg no Ever been on a ride and hated every second? I don't believe so. When was the last time you jumped? And why? biiiiih I have no idea. What color is the floor in your bedroom? Tan. Who’s the last person that slept over at your house? Sara. What color is the hair on your arms? Very light brown. Favorite color eyeshadow? Black is the only way to go. Do you have any friends that you’ve known for 10 years or more? Yeah. Who was the last person that cried in front of you? Did you do/say anything to comfort them? My niece or nephew, because we were leaving, and yes. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Did you feel embarrassed about it? Mom, probs. No. What was the last compliment you received from someone of the opposite sex? My psychiatrist said I was doing well with improvement or something. Does the person you love/like have any pets? Yes. Are you satisfied with the way your life is right now? No, things need to begin changing. Do you wear socks to bed? Who the fuck does that. Do you actually love your parents? Yeah. Do you like being in a relationship? Yeah. Do you prefer the tanning bed or the sun? I don't tan. Are you taller than your mum? I think she's like, a half inch taller than me? What’s something you want to purchase next time you’re at the mall? If it has a Hot Topic, some band or graphic t-shirt. Do you prefer regular or diet soft drinks? Regular, as the artificial sweetener in diet inevitably gives me a headache. Tastes awful, anyway. How long do you need to get to know someone, before you’d think about having a relationship with them? I think this depends on how quickly and deeply you click. Would you ever consider going to meet up with someone you started talking to online? Already have, would meet more. Have you ever wanted to be on American Idol? When was this? No. Do you have any friends you’d trust completely with your life? Sara. Are you failing any classes you’re taking in school? N/A Name one song lyric from your favorite song of all time? "In school, I would just bite my tongue, and now your words, they strike me down. The flags are false and they contradict, they point and click which wounds to lick." Do you know anyone who owns a pet chinchilla? Are they fun? No. Do your parents trust you alone with members of the opposite sex? Yeah. What is the most visited website you have listed right now? I'm sure it's YouTube. Do you enjoy singing? Why or why don't you like it? Sometimes, but I suck at it. Have you ever been in a talent show? What was your talent? No. Do you have a best friend who is of the opposite sex? No. What’s one song you’re definitely getting sick of at the moment? I don't listen to such songs once they get old. Do you know the full anatomy of the human body? Why or why not? No, because I've never specialized in studying it in its entirety. Have you ever cheated on a significant other before? No. Does your boyfriend or girlfriend have a pretty smile? ACTUAL SUNSHINE What is your favorite past-time or hobby? Why is this your favorite? Gaming, 'cuz it's the best escape from reality imo. Are you committing a sin at the moment? Which one? Sloth. Always. What do you consider being the worst curse word? I don't believe in "curse" words. Do you like kissing lightly better than just making out? I mean I'm pretty sure anyone would reply with "it depends on the mood." On average, how many songs do you listen to in a day? No clue. Sometimes many, sometimes none. Do you ever buy your pet(s) birthday or Christmas presents? Yes. Do you still own any VHS tapes? Do you ever watch them? Mom probably has old home videos. Otherwise, no. One thing you promised yourself you’d never do and then did? Not trying at all to be dramatic, but I seriously did promise myself I'd never risk loving someone again after Jason. Have you ever had to call 911? No. Have you ever rolled off your bed in your sleep? No. Do you get along with your significant other’s friends? I only know Tiffany, and she's great. Do you enjoy board games? No. What is the most expensive gift you have ever given someone? A promise ring. Describe your socks. I'm not wearing socks. I hate them. Do you believe in yourself? Sometimes. Do you feel bad when you kill bugs? Usually no... sadly. I should. If it was like a butterfly and insects of that sort, I'd feel awful. What is your favorite planet? Saturrrrrn. Do you have any pets that you had since you were born? No. Do you own anything that you had when you were a baby? Yes. Are you one of those people who are always cold? No, I'm like, permanently hot... Do you enjoy Mario games? Not especially. Things like Mario Kart though are fun to play with friends. Describe your signature: Legible but written waaay too slowly. What are some of your favorite card/board games? Battleship, Scattergories, Clue, Magic: The Gathering, uhhh... Do you own a gaming console? Which one? PS2, Wii, broken PS3 that I wanna get repaired, GameBoy, Nintendo DS Lite. What is the name of the last bar you went to? Never been to one. Do you follow any sports teams? No. How old were you when you attended your first concert and what was it? Ummm 17-ish? Alice Cooper. Which one of these words describe you the best: stubborn, impatient, hot-tempered, lazy, arrogant? Lazy. How about these: compassionate, forgiving, altruistic, honest, open-minded? Compassionate. If you had to choose one activity to do for 10 minutes, would you rather jump rope, hula hoop or hopscotch? My knees are baaaad, so all I really could survive is hula-hoop. What's the last TV show you watched, and do you relate to any of the characters? Ash had Naked and Afraid on at her house, but I related to neither contestant very much. If you had to compare yourself to one character from Friends, who would you say you're most like? Never really watched it. What is one movie you saw only once because you hated it so much? None solely for the reason of not liking it. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? THAT WOULD BE MY MOTHER UM LEMME THINK NO. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? None. Nightmares ruined my dad to a degree I don't think I can completely recover from, even with how close we are. Out of absolutely nowhere, I had another one that resulted in me jerking awake and literally giving out a short scream. I feel in my heart I should fully trust my dad and that his image is wrongly affected by my own fears, but I'm not very sure how to change that. Ever used a bow and arrow? Not a real one. Favorite Taylor Swift song? Fuckin FIGHT me "Picture To Burn" SLAPS. Give me a song that is underestimated/not well known: "Possession" by Otep. Otep songs in general. Does everyone in your family have a job? I'm the only one who doesn't. Name a reason you would most likely go to jail for: Probably killing someone when defending a loved one from being physically attacked, and there won't be enough evidence to show that I did it as defense or that going that far was justifiable. I have actually worried about this lmao. What kind of car did your parents have while you were growing up? A blue and then tan van, and Dad had a series of old, tan cars named Frida the Cheetah I-III. :') Do you tie your socks together or roll them up? Roll them up. What was your last bad date? I don't think I've had a bad one... Do you ever wish your birthday was on a different day? Yup, 'cuz it's occasionally Superbowl Sunday. What holiday would you want to have your birthday on? BITCH HALLOWEEN. Have you ever gone snorkeling or scuba diving? No. If yes, what’s the coolest thing you’ve seen? N/A What’s your favorite filling in chocolates? Fudge. When’s the last time you had a s'more? Some time after Sara's visit in June when we had some stuff left over. Does your best friend have any phobias? ... How am I blanking. I know some of her fears, but they're rational. Do you prefer the taste of lemon or limes? Lemons. What would you name your firstborn son? Probably Damien, or Severin. Do you cook anything you don’t like eating? I don't cook. What’s the last picture you colored? One I drew. What is the cheesiest way a guy could propose marriage? M'kay, it's always a man who proposes, I'll take note. But regardless, idk. What’s the first instrument you ever played? A recorder. Do you have an attic? A small one. Have you ever lived in the country before? My whole life. Do you drink coffee every day? No, I hate coffee. Have you ever stayed in a suite? No. Do you take good pictures? Sometimes, though I suck at manual mode because it's hard for me to tell when things are *perfectly* in focus. Have you ever been in a tornado or hurricane? Hurricanes. Do you have any bookmarks in your internet browser? If so, how many? Four. Do you know anyone in the military right now? I believe so. What’s your favorite show on Comedy Central? Don't watch it. How old is the oldest person you know? Uhhhh... late 80s? Early 90s? Do you usually go to sleep before or after the people you’re living with? Varies. Which band has the best name, in your opinion? Cradle of Filth is badass. Which one of your exes do you feel like you have the most chemistry with? Have, none, had, Jason. Do you like where your house is located? No. What’s the best hotel you’ve been to? One right by the beach. Are you into designer clothes? Nope, forget those prices. The only I plan on buying something from sometime is Cloak out of relentless support for The Man and The Apprentice. Have you ever done any internship? No. What’s your favorite store? (other than Hot Topic) Do not attack me like this. But anyway, Rebel's Market. What do you think about tattoos on women? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA fuck you. Have the cops ever gotten onto you for anything before? No. Do you have a Myspace? And if so what is your screen name? It probably still exists, and idk. Do you have a YouTube? Yeah. Facebook? Yeah. Gaia? Idk what that is. Bzoink? No. What email thingy do you use? (yahoo, gamil, rock) Hotmail and Gmail. Do you own a cellphone? If so what kind is it? A Shitty Samsung™ Do you have a digital camera? What kind is it? A Nikon D3200, but I'm hopefully getting a new Nikon or Canon soon. This camera's just about toast. What is your most common typo? Ummm. Idk. I don't make many now as I have to type slowly on this annihilated keyboard. What happens now is just not pushing down hard enough, so I wouldn't really call them "typos.' What kind of computer do you have? My actual one is a Sager, but the one I currently have to use is an Acer. Do you have an iPod/MP3 player? Yes. Literally had it since the beginning of middle school. What is your favorite video game of all time? Silent Hill 2 for story, Shadow of the Colossus for gameplay. For overall, they're pretty much tied. Have you ever played Call of Duty? No. Do you play games on the computer? When I get the Sager fixed... How many doors are in your house? Windows? Doors leading outside, I'm guessing? Two. Windows... at least eight. Nine? Most are small, though. Do you have any posters on your walls? Of what? Metallica, a unicorn at therapy being told "you need to believe in yourself," Homecoming-styled Pyramid Head, Marilyn Manson, Illidan from WoW, Silent Hill 3, Jack Skellington, a music one, and meerkats. What kind of bed do you have? (fouton, twin, bunk) Queen. Is your bed comfortable? Eh. Where is your computer located? I only have a laptop. Other than a closet, do you use a dresser/wardrobe to keep your clothes in? I have a dresser. How many mirrors do you have in your house? (other than hand-held) Uhhh two? Do you have a garage? No. Should you be doing anything right now? What? No. Do doctors or dentists make you more nervous? Doctors. Did you ever think you were about to die before? Ha, in the fourth grade when I was writing my DARE paper and I accidentally stabbed my freshly-sharpened pencil into my left palm... I thought it was lead so I ran SOBBING to my mom about how I was going to die lmao. Then after I ODed, I acknowledged there was a possibility, but I didn't care to think about whether I lived or died to like... think either one. Have you ever really had a near-death experience? Was it cool? "Was it cool." Fuck off. There's no such thing as a "cool" way of almost dying. Anyway, I got in a car accident when I was young, but Mom's driving saved our ass. I don't know if you'd classify the OD as near-death... I apparently didn't take enough to where a certain ingredient became heavily toxic or something, plus I was fucking drowned in fluids to counteract the amount I did have in super quickly (or something like that), so I didn't really experience an "I'm dying right now" fear like I did when I saw the wreck coming. How often do you brush your teeth? Once a day. How often do you shower? (Come on, tell the truth) Every other day, or if I'm being lazy, I go an extra day and regret my decision. What body type do you have? Um not skinny help. What kind of nose do you have? It's kinda little. Are your eyebrows thick? Normal. What color eyes do you wish you had? A more sapphire blue. Do you have fat lips? I'd say they're normal. Do you have a long neck? No. What are your views on abortion? Ultimately, when all things are considered, pro-choice, but I believe in avoiding abortion as well as you can. Like, just getting one solely because you were being sexually careless is a no from me, but like, if pregnancy and/or bearing a child would be an incredibly difficult feat for you emotionally and/or physically, you have the right to put yourself first. Gay marriage? All for it. What different types of churches have you visited? Catholic and Christian. Who would you want to be the flower girl at your wedding? Aubree, buuut I doubt her dad would allow it considering there's a high chance I'm marrying a woman, and he's homophobic as all hell. Do you want to be married within the next ten years? Ideally. What group are you most active in on Facebook? I'm only in one, a WoW group. I rarely comment on anything tho. Are you ashamed of anything? Yes. What were your favorite Disney rides as a kid? I don't really remember them. What were your favorite rides at Cedar Point? Never been. Have you ever owned a succulent? No. Favorite type of tea to drink in the fall? I hate tea. If a brand were to sponsor you, which brand(s) would you prefer? *shrugs* Have you read the entire Bible? No. Do you make bucket lists for each season? No. What is the next hobby you want to start? I'unno... I guess I'd like to get back to reading. Do you dye your hair regularly? No, it's not something I can afford, especially because I want complex color combos. What makes you depressed? Thinking too much about my current life issues, above anything else. My brain confuses depression and boredom a lot, and I'm bored plenty. Loved ones being hurt or upset, and sometimes thinking about the future. Do you think you could ever be famous? Nooooo, I absolutely do not want that. Do you think you have what it takes to make it big in the entertainment biz? Definitely not. What industry is it that you want to go into? Art. Do you have a job now? If so, what is it? No. What are some jobs you’ve had in the past? Sales clerk/associate. What are some jobs you want to or would like to have? List five. Photographer, zoologist, archaeologist, meerkat biologist, artist. What are some jobs you have considered? Archaeologist, vet, movie director, game designer, movie editor, and now zoologist and photography. What are some health problems you have had in the past? That I don't still have? Lots of ear infections, high cholesterol, insomnia, and talk about embarrassing, but last year I had this random span of premature nighttime incontinence... that fucking sucked. What are some of the best medications you’ve ever had? The Latuda + Lamictal combo is one of the biggest reasons I'm still alive. What is your favorite vitamin? I don't have one. Have you ever made money off of YouTube? No. What was a video you watched over and over as a kid? OH MY GOD so Nicole and I watched "Before He Cheats" covers (why idk????) and she found this one of a girl lip-syncing along to a super sped-up version and we found it stupid funny. Have you ever experienced depression as a side effect? Yes; I have both bipolarity and depression, but taking anti-depressants while also bipolar ramps your bipolar symptoms the fuck up, so of course my times of depression were soooo much worse than they were supposed to be. Have you ever been suicidal as a withdrawal symptom? No. How old were you when you started wearing glasses (if applicable)? Some time in middle school, I think? Have you ever been told you have an accent? As a kid I really did; when seeing my NY relatives, they would always point it out lmao. Now I think I only super faintly do and it's only slightly noticeable with some words. Actually at the reptile con in Illinois, after a bit of talking, a girl I met asked if I was from the U.K. because apparently she detected a faint trace of B r i t i s h? Describe the last situation in which you had to give up on an individual? I've gone back and forth with Colleen so many times that I feel anyone who reads these knows the story. What are some things that cause you to abandon association with someone? Shoving opinions in my face, arrogance, disinterest in our relationship, closed-minded, just to name a few. When was the last time you made a new friend? Ha. What is the most unusual thing within your general vicinity? Ummmm I'm not sure. Maybe my python, as she's a morph? What are some things you enjoy that not many others do? Writing, reptiles and amphibians, conspiracies, looots of snow, foreign music, watching others play games, uhhhh. Are you one who considers preserving your past important? In some ways, sure, but not a lot. Focus on the present and aim to create a future better than your past. When was the last time you had some sort of a meltdown? I'm not sure. Some time last month, I think. When was the last time you were super busy? Psh. I'm never busy. Not always a good thing. What is a quality someone might not assume you have? Serious impatience. I don't think I hint towards that weakness until like, you see me in a doctor's office. What was the last thing you did that was healthy? Got a good night's sleep. What was the last thing you did that could harm your health? Drank soda oops. Do you know anyone who self-injures? Not in the present, I believe. Have you ever had to reside with an individual who had a mental disorder? Mom has depression.