#anyway the clinic i went to SLAPS???

[primordialwhale]

boy juice got

[notsosweetchan]

hi 🥰🥰 I'm currently in my clinically insane, needs to be locked away for a long time, haven't slept in over 24 hours, have been pmsing for way over a week because my period is late as hell era but I wanted to ask for Felix and yandere reader 💗💗 I mean there's always reader x yandere idol so why not the other way around 🤔 ANYWAY hope you're having a great day and sorry for tmi'ing you a little in there

ʚ♡ɞ Jealousy’s grip ʚ♡ɞ

Note: If this isn’t good don’t blame me I’m not good at writing yandere lmao

Warning : Smut Yandere Reader

Paring: | Felix x Reader |

Felix didn't know how to respond to Y/N's jealous outburst. His heart raced as he looked at the girl who had been flirting with him earlier, and saw the fury in Y/N's eyes. He tried to reassure her by taking her hand and leading her away from the dance floor towards the exit.

The music was loud, so he bent down to speak into her ear, "Baby, it was nothing. She was just drunk and being silly." But Y/N pulled him closer, her grip tightening around his hand as they walked out of the club.

The cold night air hit them like a slap when they stepped outside, and Felix shivered slightly. Y/N took off her leather jacket and draped it over his shoulders without a word. He thanked her quietly, pulling it close around himself as they walked to his car.

Once inside, he started the engine but didn't move from his spot in the parking lot. Y/N glared at him through the windshield until he turned off the ignition and faced her. "Look," he began slowly, "I don't know what you saw back there, but I promise you—"

But before he could finish his sentence, Y/N was unbuckling his seatbelt and climbing into his lap with a determined look in her eyes. She kissed him fiercely while unzipping his pants, her free hand reaching inside to grasp him through his boxers.

Felix gasped at the sudden move but gave in to their passion; kissing back just as hungrily as she pushed him against the steering wheel. Moans escaped them both as she worked him with practiced fingers while their tongues danced wildly together in an open display of ownership and desire.

Her breathing was ragged when they finally broke apart, her chest heaving against his. “You’re mine, got that?" she growled lowly against his neck before nipping at his Adam's apple. Felix shuddered, unable to respond any other way than with a moan of agreement as Y/N continued to grind against him through their clothes.

Felix closed his eyes, lost in the sensation of Y/N's body against his. His grip on her hips tightened as she continued her ministrations, silently communicating his arousal and surrender.

It wasn't until a car honked its horn behind them that they both remembered where they were. Y/N smirked and reluctantly sat back in her seat, adjusting her clothes while Felix buckled up and started the car. The ride home was tense but charged, their heated glances meeting in the rearview mirror every few minutes.

As soon as they pulled into the driveway, they practically tumbled out of the car and sprinted inside their home. The front door slammed behind them as they stumbled down the hallway, tearing at each other's clothes as they went. They made it as far as the living room couch, where they fell onto the leather upholstery in a tangle of limbs and desire.

Felix had never been so turned on in his life …and he could feel her heat against his skin as they pressed together, their lust-filled kisses leaving a trail of saliva between them.

Her hand gripped his hair tightly, pulling his head back for another deep kiss as she ground her hips against him in a fierce rhythm that left Felix breathless. His heart pounded with desire and need for her touch as she undid his pants, freeing his throbbing member from its confines.

He groaned loudly when she wrapped her soft, warm lips around the tip of his cock and began to suck gently, taking him deep into her mouth. It felt so good that he couldn't contain the ragged moans escaping his throat. Her other hand roamed across his chest and stomach, teasing him with gentle caresses while she took more of him into her mouth.

The taste of her lips on him was intoxicating; it made Felix even harder than before. She looked up at him with hooded eyes when she released him from her mouth, licking the pre-cum off of her lips “ No one will ever make you feel the way I do,” she purred, Y/N's words sent a shiver down Felix's spine, and he gripped her hair tighter in response, arching his back as she took him back into her mouth.

The sensation was too much for him to handle, and he came suddenly, shooting his load onto the couch in a strong orgasm that made him see stars. She swallowed every drop eagerly before looking up at him with satisfaction. Her eyes held a mix of love and lust as she pulled away from him, smiling wickedly.

Without another word, she slipped out of her clothes and straddled his hips, guiding his cock to her wet entrance. She slowly sank down onto him, their breaths mingling in the air as she took him completely inside her.

“Fuck baby ," he moaned, gripping her hips tightly as she rocked back and forth, each movement sending shockwaves of pleasure through him. Y/N threw her head back and moaned in ecstasy, her breasts bouncing with each thrust.

Felix could feel himself hardening again within her warmth; she must've noticed because she smiled seductively before leaning forward and whispering in his ear, "You like it when I'm a little jealous, don't you?"

couldn't deny it—the adrenaline of the situation had him harder than ever before. He growled in response, gripping her hips tighter and matching her rhythm as they rocked together furiously.

Their moans echoed off the walls, their feverish movements leaving sweat stains on the leather couch beneath them.

Felix could feel himself reaching his climax again when she suddenly stopped moving and looked him straight in the eyes. "Say it," she breathed heavily, her face flushed with arousal, "Say it's only me."

Felix knew what she wanted to hear, but damn if it didn't make him hotter. "It's only you," he panted out through gritted teeth, "Only you."

Y/N's eyes darkened with desire and she pushed herself down hard onto him, driving him even deeper inside her as she let out a guttural moan.

Felix's vision went white at the sensation, and he met her intensity with his own, pounding into her relentlessly.

Their climaxes hit them at the same time, their cries of ecstasy muffled by each other's lips. They collapsed together on the couch, panting and sweaty but sated. Y/N wore a smug smile on her face as she wiped away the sweat from her forehead. "I knew it," she purred victoriously, nuzzling his neck with a satisfied smirk.

Felix chuckled breathlessly, running his fingers through her damp hair. "You drive me fucking insane," he said between gasps for air, "But I love every damn second of it." Y/N purred in response before nipping at his earlobe playfully.

"Good," she drawled sexily before pulling away to gather their discarded clothes, "Now clean up this mess and let's go shower before we pass out on the couch."

[etheries1015]

BOOK 7 SPOILERS BELOW

I finally decided to suck it up and catch up with twst book 7, I stopped after seeing Silver cry because I'm sCARED OF BEING SAD 😭😭 anyway here's a few reactions I had to it 😭

And hearing about the update coming soon-ish to ENG servers I really need to read up

Lilia pressuring Epel like the old man he is 😭😭 I love the moments that they remind us just how old Lilia actually is and how he sees most if not all the students as if they were his children/grand children, making sure they get the most out of the party and drink...its giving "What do you mean you're not hungry? Absolutely not. Here Is at least 5 servings of whatever dish I made to help u grow big and strong."

Okay I didn't take a screen shot of it but the entire section where Lilia looked kind of guilty with Ortho about exchanging addresses because you just KNOW he probably isn't gonna check in, presumably because he doesn't want anyone to get More attached to him seeing as he is nearing the end of his life span (crying shaking throwing up)

THIS. THIS. THIS INTERACTION HE HAD WITH US. I LOVE HIM. I AM SO SILLY FOR HIM. I totally forgot I changed my in-game name from my nickname to my REAL name and when he said my name I verbally yelled "WHAT THE HELL" before giggling and kicking my feet hehehehe I'm clinically insane for him

But the fact that he acknowledged us as Malleus friend probably means we've spent a lot of time at the dorms or around Lilia for him to see how our friendship and interactions with him work, and it melts my heart hehe. Being part of the diafam fr. But honestly bro back me up, I'm tired of being called a hench-human 😭💀

I wonder just how bad we must look with everyone noticing the strange shift??? Either we REALLY made a scene (tripping over, going pale) or the twst boys are just that attentive to us and I think that is the sweetest thing ever 😭😭 Ace and Deuce is so sweet for thinking of us and trying to get us out while also being polite to the people who kindly held the party. Despite not being there long, ace and deuce is willing to skip out on free food and drinks in order to make sure you're okay and I'm just 😭😭 ANGELS. I LOVE THEM.

But also the way Lilia worries for you is so sweet 😭💜 I should write a fic of sick reader and Lilia, or reader trying to tough it out because I know for a FACT Lilia would not let that slide! (Hypocrite 😐)

I ACTUALLY DROPPED MY JAW WHEN SEBEK SAID THIS SHIT. I WAS. WHAT. WHAT THE HELL LMFAOOOOO 😭 thats fucking insane bro I actually found myself chastising him thru the phone, I would NOT let that discrimination against humans bullshit pass fr 😭 slap him right upside the head and give him a stern talking to. I like seeing Lilia get frustrated, he's so cute and UGH. Although it went in one ear out the other, Seeing Lilia mad is so hot if I'm being real with y'all rn BUAHAHA.

I didnt screen shot this either (and I can't fit anymore photos on this post smh) but Silvers nose being red and obvious he was crying but Lilia confused. DudE OF COURSE he was crying!!! You're his dad!! You raised him since he was a baby, he's just now going into adulthood and doing that WITHOUT HIS DAD who is going to a far away land! Sure, traveling is a thing , but honestly nothing beats having that support just a moments away. Silver is literally the sweetest and wants to support his dad , but who's going to support him????!?! Lilia is putting him in a position where Silver feels the need to be strong and hide his tears for Lilias sake, but of course this is hard on him, its so sudden, too! Being so close to your parent and next thing you know mere days later they are stripped away from your arms?!

I just want to give them all hugs. Lilia obviously has some issues and misconstrued ideas of love (a million people have made posts and comments on this, so I will not repeat it) and I just. Need them to all sit around and be their mediator while we go thru their emotional states.

Ugh. I was in my twst burnout stage and still low key am, but fuck does it spark so much passion in you 😭😭

[spnexploration]

Pack chapter 17

Pairing: Alpha!Dean Winchester x Omega!Reader, Alpha!Sam Winchester x Omega!Madison

Series summary: Omega!Reader is thrown into a world she's not expecting when her mate turns out to be a hunter, and she's not used to Alpha & Omega Pack dynamics.

Chapter summary: Dean calls a family meeting.

Chapter warnings: none

Word count: 2.1k

Series Masterlist | Supernatural writing masterlist

Part 16 <- -> Part 18

“-has to be me, obviously, but what about Mads?” I heard Sam saying as I walked down the corridor. I paused where I was, not wanting to interrupt the conversation.

“It’s too dangerous, she’s not going,” Dean replied firmly. “I wouldn’t have thought you’d have wanted her there.”

“I don’t, I agree it’s too dangerous. But Y/N is terrified of me currently-”

“She’s not terrified of you.”

“She is, Dean, and that’s ok. I get it. And we've been trying to stay out of your guys’ way, plus Madison feels guilty for suggesting Y/N comes to our room when she was upset-”

“Christ, this has to be the first time in history that I'm not irrationally blaming myself for things outside my control, and everyone else is.” There was a brief pause and then a sound like a hand slapping a thigh and Dean said, “RIGHT, we’re having a family meeting. Get the girls.”

I scampered away from the door, not wanting them to find me listening. My mind was reeling from hearing them, and I felt guilty and embarrassed.

I was luckily around the next corner of the corridor by the time Sam found me, so I could look like I was just walking through. “Dean wants to have a family meeting, can you go to the lounge please?”

“Umm, ok,” I said, trying not to look guilty. I am nonchalant, I told myself. I am unaware what this is about. This is a normal turn of events. I tried to force myself to act like I believed it

Sam turned and left, probably looking for Madison. I headed to the lounge, trying to calm my racing heart and not give myself away.

---

“Alright,” Dean said once we were all seated in the lounge. He looked relaxed, elbows on knees as he leant forward. I sat next to him, not touching, with Sam and Madison in the arm chairs that he'd moved to be opposite. “I think we need to address the elephant in the room.”

I pulled my knees to my chest. I couldn't help but feel that I was the elephant in the room.

“I chose to hunt the Rugaru,” Dean continued. “The Rugaru shot me. I probably ignored some symptoms that my wound was getting worse. My shoulder got infected. The stupid clinic has crap rules. Now, has anyone heard me say the words 'Madison’, 'Sam’ or ‘Y/N’ yet?”

He looked around expectantly until we all muttered variations of “no”. Madison was chewing her nails and even Sam looked a little uncomfortable.

“Right. Y/N went into shock because my shoulder got infected. We were separated because of a dumb clinic’s rules. My scent was wrong because I'm the idiot who got shot. So, tell me, who are we blaming?”

“It's not your fault you got shot!” Madison exclaimed.

“Thank you, Madi. I think I probably screwed up some things and you know, in hindsight, maybe we shouldn't have gone on that hunt. But the whole way along, we were doing the best we could with the information we had. And yeah, shit happened.”

He paused and looked around at us all, then sighed, “I'm not seeing a whole lot of believing me.”

“Sorry, Alpha,” Madison mumbled.

“Ok, Madi, before you were marked, do you remember the time Sam piked early and we stayed up late watching horror movies and you got scared? I remember it was the first time I’d had a girl in my lap who I wasn’t trying to sleep wi-” he suddenly glanced at me and cut himself off. Madi giggled behind her hand. “Anyway, you were so drunk I had to carry you to Sam's bed, and Sam grumped all the next day about having none of the fun and all of the clean up.”

“I remember, it was the worst hangover I’d ever had.”

Dean smirked, “Right. So, you were pretty cuddly with me, did it affect your bond with Sam?”

“No...”

“Right. Because your hormones didn't think Sam was dead.”

I sucked in a sharp breath before I could stop myself. Dean ran his hand down his face. I got the feeling he regretted that choice of words.

He looked back at Madi and said earnestly, “Mads, you did the right thing. You comforted your Pack mate, you did exactly what she needed in that moment. If you'd left her alone her body still might have done the exact thing, only she’d have gone through far more pain and suffering. And who knows, maybe even been worse. None of this is your fault.”

Tears were falling down Madi’s face. Dean opened his arms out wide and she quickly crossed to him, climbing into his lap to hug him. He held her for a moment before she got up, wiping away her tears. “Thank you, Alpha,” she said, heading back to her chair.

Dean turned to me and reached out to cup my face. “I'm going to get to you too because this isn't your fault either, but you're most important so you're going last, ok? I'm going to talk to Sam first, but you hang in there, sweetheart.”

I nodded slightly and he dropped his hand.

He looked to Sam, “Sammy, I think you're trying to organise everything and everyone to cover how uncomfortable you are with this situation and what you perceive to be your role in it. But dude, you did a great job. You saved my life, you got the monster killed, you protected two Omegas, you saved me again, and you saved my Omega. I'm probably shit at making it clear how much I appreciate you and your efforts in this Pack. So, you know, thanks man.”

Sam grinned at him, “That's gotta be the nicest thing you've ever said to me. You concussed or something?”

“Dude, I ain't communicated this much in my fucking life. I am having a fucking apoplexy on the inside.” Sam and Madison both laughed. 

Dean turned to me, “Alright, sweetheart. I'll be honest, I don't even know to convince you that this isn't your fault. I feel like I've been trying for days. I was hoping seeing that the others are similarly beating themselves up for no reason might help, but now I dunno...” he trailed off.

“Ok,” he said, clearly trying again, “Did you control the release of your hormones?” He looked at me expectantly until I shook my head. “Did you know what was happening to you?” I shook my head again. “Did you mean for any of this to happen?” I shook my head forcefully. “Right, so how the hell could this be your fault? It's a weird quirk of evolution to cater for scenarios where the mate really does die, and I'm unlucky enough to have accidentally triggered it. I'll be honest, I've died a few times, so it's probably karma or something for that-”

“You've DIED?!”

“Uhhh,” he looked sheepish, “Yeah. Angels were messing with us at one point. Fuck,” he ran his hand down his face, “This isn't the point, I am fucking this up.”

“You're cute when you're flustered,” I said quietly, a small smile on my face. “And you swear a lot more.” I was feeling less guilty, knowing that everyone else had been beating themselves up too even though it wasn't their fault. And Dean had made some good points.

“Has my adorableness convinced you?”

I smirked, “A little.”

“Ok, well, Sam is heading out soon to help out on a hunt-” Dean said, but was cut off by an anxious Madi.

“What? Where? By himself?!”

“He's going to help Claire with a hunt she found,” Dean answered as Sam reached out and took Madison's hand.

“I'm going with him,” Madi declared.

“No, you're not. It's too dangerous.”

“WHAT?! You'll happily let a literal child participate but not a grown ass woman who happens to be an Omega?!”

“Sam is going so that he can protect Claire, because we haven't managed to convince Claire not to go, and I'm not having her out there alone. If you're there too he won't necessarily be able to protect both of you.”

“It's not because you're an Omega, Mads,” Sam said earnestly. “We know you're a good hunter.”

“Fine,” she huffed, crossing her arms.

“So, as I was saying, Sam is heading off. Are we,” he gestured at himself, Madi and I, “going to be ok? Are we all going to stop tiptoeing around each other and feeling guilty all the time?”

Madi was still sulking from Sam leaving, so it probably wasn't the best time to try to ask her. But she still replied, if a little sullenly, “Yes, Alpha.”

He looked expectantly at me. “Yes, Alpha,” I muttered.

“Alright, if that's the best I'm going to get them I guess I'll take it,” Dean jokingly grumbled.

Sam reached out to Madi and she let herself be pulled to him, then he lifted her onto his lap. They started to snuggle and I looked away, trying to give them privacy.  Dean stood up and held out his hand to me. I took it and he led me out of the room.

---

The afternoon went fine, although Madi kept somewhat to herself. Dean cajoled her to come watch TV in the evening, sitting me on his lap and her in the recliner next to us. Every so often he reached out and stroked her hair, or squeezed her hand, or rubbed his wrist on her neck.

I felt weird being on his lap for so long and tried to get off, but he stopped me. “Are you not enjoying sitting here, or are you feeling like you should get off?” he whispered into my ear.

“It must be uncomfortable for you,” I whispered back.

He sighed, “Omega, for once, be selfish. You need my scent to feel better. So stay where you are, you are fine. I like having you here.”

I huffed a little but stayed put. He wrapped his arm around my waist and nuzzled my neck until I relaxed back into him.

“Having to spend time with me isn't so bad, is it?” he murmured. I laughed.

We kept watching, until a little while later Madi stood up and declared she was going to bed. “Ok, if you want to go get ready we’ll be there in a minute to all get settled,” Dean answered, reaching to turn off the TV.

“Umm, Alpha,” Madi mumbled, looking suddenly very unsure of herself, “I didn't think I would be sleeping with you.”

Dean frowned, “Madi, you hate sleeping alone.”

 She glanced nervously at me, then looked down. “I can stay in my normal room.”

Dean tapped my side lightly, “Can you stand up for me, sweetheart?” I did so, and he stood up behind me, reaching out for Madison.

“Madi,” he said gently but firmly, hands on her shoulders, “we talked about this. It's not your fault, and you're not in the way. Now just come with us to bed already.” He dropped his hands, sounding a little exasperated.

“It's ok, Madi,” I said tentatively. “You looked after me when Dean was gone. We can do the same for you.”

Madi gave me a tight smile, “Ok. Thanks.” I reached out and squeezed her hand.

We headed down the corridor, Madi splitting off to get ready in her own room, then heading to ours. I felt awkward, now that we came to actually go to bed all together. I crossed my arms in front of myself and hung back. Madi, who was normally incredibly confident and directing play, seemed to also be hanging back.

Dean looked between the two of us and sighed. “Anyone would think you two were about to broker a peace deal with North Korea, not sleep in a bed you've both been in multiple times before,” he half-muttered, a smirk on his face.

He lay in the centre of the bed and beckoned me over to one side and Madi to the other. I climbed into bed and he manoeuvred me up on to his chest, tucking my head in to the crook of his neck where I could scent him. “There you go, sweetheart,” he murmured.

He got Madison to lay next to him on the other side, wrapping his arm around her shoulder as she lay against him. I reached out and touched her hand. She took my hand and held it, which felt nice.

“Everyone ok?” Dean asked.

“Yes, Alpha. Thank you,” Madi replied, sounding more like herself.

Dean gently poked me until I answered. “Yes, Dean. It's all good now.”

.

.

.

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[theevangelion]

Alpha Daddy: Chapter II

The days passed. Friday came quickly, though Lena wouldn’t tonight. A night to settle and adjust and see if things felt comfortable seemed more appropriate, Kara wanted to get all of this as right as she could.

Sunset this high up in the city loomed burned orange through the windows, felt aesthetically pleasing in a way that superseded Kara’s ability to string words and explanations why, but the place laid in comfortable disarray like a penthouse doing its best impression of a loft, there were books stacked everywhere, paintings propped and leaned, mismatching antique furniture and restored brass furnishings and all of it sat bathed in terracotta dusk. A wave of honey dulcet quiet in the air. A Friday evening doing its best impression of Sunday afternoon.

All the dust in the air sat trapped and visible like it should, like one expects from hot early Autumn evenings and homes filled with antique brass and mismatching woods overlapping, and so without words to explain why it was all so quietly clean and exactly as it should be, everything felt right regardless, and Kara’s anxieties unwound from the day and took their thumb off tight muscles in her jaw.

Kara pottered around Lena’s place waiting for her to reappear from the shower. She disregarded conversations several blocks away and sirens that could cope without her tonight, fully aware Alex would call if help was needed, half-suspecting that her sister actually probably wouldn’t call at all.

Thinking about it, missile silos could fire nuclear bombs either direction. Alex would still insist she needed some semblance of an ordinary, normal twenty-something year old life—girlfriend included.

So Kara stood there mindless and blank headed, in her girlfriend’s kitchen but out of her body, listening to the running order of cabinets opening and closing in the bathroom, a peeled banana in one hand and a glass of cold white wine in the other. She wasn’t convinced the combination worked. Another bite followed by a sip confirmed her hypothesis. It didn’t stop her, she nibbled and sipped, expecting a different outcome each time, then wrinkling her nose and slapping her mouth from the taste.

It was thick with heat in the air, the warmth kicking out from vents that left sweat prickled on her back and awkward clinginess to her boxers, but Lena liked the place stifling, liked the grey boxers and the shape of her shaft, the sway, the bounce, the absence of tight panties that smoothed and hid away a part of her body that, no matter how many times Lena saw, she always looked then looked again with wide eyes.

It was sweet. It was textbook adorable baby girl behaviour, a clinical symptom of Lena’s softest layers of subspace stirring and nibbling at her bottom lip and slippering pretty panties wet and damp. Lena never liked to admit it, Kara always asked anyway.

“You look so pretty when you squeeze your thighs together. Does it always make you wet, or only when I wear the grey ones?” Kara beamed with quiet confidence and all the correct answers in her back pocket.

“I…” Lena laughed nervously and looked everywhere and anywhere. “I just…”

The blush always went cherry-coloured, and Lena would stutter and stumble and get so embarrassed she couldn’t speak. Around this point, Kara decided it wasn’t adorable or funny and put her out of her misery.

“It’s okay if you’re shy with explicit words. You can just say you like the grey ones, baby.”

The pandering got to her. Kara saw it clear as day when Lena’s jaw went tense, tight and clenching. She loved being managed so softly, she hated being managed so softly, and while the war was going on within her brain, Kara often reached down and briefly stroked her cock over the material of her boxers—adjusting herself a moment too long to be decent.

Something would change in Lena’s eyes.

It wasn’t the same as heat, not even close, it wasn’t frantic or cracked or so desperate that Lena ever looked as though she were fighting against her skin. But Lena would exhale softly between her little crimson lips, then wind the corner of her mouth in her teeth, antsy and chewing and smirking into a primal subspace she felt inadequate and embarrassed about.

“Daddy I like the grey ones,” Lena always managed to quietly rasp the words out.

The rasp got Kara every time—shattered her each and every way. The husking, textured need in the back of her voice. If she wasn’t hard, which she usually already was, then the embarrassed little voice sent her up like a flare.

People rarely guessed her assignation right away—not correctly at least. Everyone had an opinion about that kind of thing, whether it was pertinent, whether it was important to conform and conduct and present. What was an Alpha supposed to look and behave like? She was polite and mild-mannered because that was inherent and earnest. It was Alpha to be those things because Kara felt the statement correct and true.

She didn’t bristle or flare her nostrils or speak crudely.

Except sometimes—usually in grey boxers.

There was something inexplicable about it. Lena would look at her, all green eyes and blushing cheeks, feeling things in parts of her body that she didn’t know how to hide or be discrete about despite wanting to be. Kara growled in those moments and felt her nostrils flare because how could they not?

Lena called her Daddy.

Game over.

No resolve or restraint or mild-manners to be found anywhere.

Daddy. Kara felt that word, felt it everywhere in her body, like all the dumbest stereotypes and cheesiest romance novels were scientific research studies. And so she would growl and clench and touch her like a woman, babytalk her like a little well-behaved good girl. Take her thighs back with warm palms and kiss her dripping cunt and swelling little clit, some nights, slip her tongue inside places that left them both too embarrassed to mention about the next morning.

She handled Lena in precise, dominant ways that were sometimes a little cruel and sometimes abundantly adoring and always so connective that, for days after, Kara felt if she were expected to present publicly in a way that accurately communicated her identity?

White sneakers and the crispest socks.

A baseball cap.

Her phone secured to her belt in a holster and her shirt rolled up her forearms.

Kara wasn’t sure what being an Alpha had to do with anything out there in the world, but it had everything to do with who she was in the small four walls and quiet warmth of privacy. She was Lena’s Daddy—that was that.

The shower ran, the water went in loud splashes off limbs and shoulders and edges of bones. Kara heard it and that was enough, she imagined dripping jet black hair and gleaming pale skin and damp clean freckles, and she smiled wider, thinking of all the places she wanted to kiss and suck and nibble in long trails going back and forth nowhere and everywhere. Little sensitive pink nipples that needed to be bitten and sucked too hard. Lena broke every time and whimpered through croaking rasps where her pronunciations usually sat prim and ladylike.

Kara loved it, loved touching them, loved the feeling of a warm nude body careening into bed on Friday night with a movie on the agenda, Lena’s lips coming up to kiss and peck along her jaw innocently enough, and Kara slipped her hand up a push-pulling belly and grazed fingertips over little puffy nipples that stiffened on her lightest touch.

“Daddy…”

It always came so shakily out of her mouth, so quick and responsive and desperate.

Kara would coo over her always, push her on her back, kiss little stiff nipples in a flurry of pecks and grazing teeth and swirling tongue. A bounce in her upright cock, it stiffened awake with rushing blood flow and webbing precum.

A shower and grower, Kara was humble about it, maybe only because she had felt so ashamed when she was younger. It wasn’t fun being a shy, awkward introvert adolescent with changes and development that sat so at odds with her demeanour. Her cock spilled out of her panties, rarely behaved, hung low and heavy and threatened the hem of her skirt with foreskin and accumulating inches she wanted to slow to a halt. It took time to be okay. It took time to know it was more than okay to feel good and care about girls feeling good, that she was capable of making them feel good. Kara got there, in her own time.

Older and alright with herself, Kara had ten thick solid inches that took up space between her slender legs and could not be avoided or glanced past. She wouldn’t care if she had five, but she had ten, and she wouldn’t push them inside Lena even if she did ask.

Even if she wasn’t a virgin, even if the stars aligned and Lena’s pink lips pressed open on the stretch of her reddened slippery gland, nudging at the little pristine hole, dribbling and webbing from the end of her cock with desperation to fuck the first blood out of her, Kara still would not give leverage and break her way slow and steady inside.

Lena hadn’t proved a heat and Kara would hurt her.

Not intentionally, not saviour-complex overanxious worrying, nor in some arrogant assumed way by virtue of her size and overbearing thickness. Lena hadn’t proved a heat and the little hymen in her cunt was rigid, tight and hypersensitive as a result. A single finger inside, Lena whimpered and winced in pain and puffed the kind of moans that had to be pressed against Kara’s pulse point in order to feel safe and grounded and okay.

If Kara pushed with her cock, Lena would break not as a temporary burning pain giving way to  shared pleasures. She would squeal and scream and break the way a dress seam rips under duress and can never be whole or healed after. Kara would never and could never.

It would hurt Lena.

Gentle as she was, Kara made her take the steady slipping finger, hushed and cooed and told a woman four years older to be her brave good girl, relax her muscles then let her little cunt hurt regardless.

There was something about the tight oversensitive hymen barely stretching, sucking so tight on her knuckle that Kara could imagine the burning achiness with clarity. A sudden and constant shifting in Lena’s hips and legs from the pressure. A gasp and wince. An outreach of needy arms thrusting forward that needed Daddy, that slipped and clung tight on Kara’s shoulders.

There and then, Lena’s lips craned and pushed and pressed rapid moans and struggling whimpers into the pulse point of Kara’s throat. Sometimes, more often than she felt proud about, Kara spurted and emptied and glugged out a ruined orgasm that didn’t feel ruined at all.

“Daddy it hurts,” Lena croaked and moaned into her jawline, some nights that always led to ruined orgasms dribbling out of her cock. “Daddy it’s burning—your finger. Inside. It’s stretching and it’s making me sting.”

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No Daddy. No, you don’t—you’re not understanding. I want more?”

“Well you can’t have more.”

“Please just break it?”

“Break it? Honey, no, it will hurt you.”

“I’m not a silly little girl.”

“You don’t feel like a big greedy one. You really want me to pick you up and force my cock inside? You can’t even get your hand around it, princess. I would have to press you against the wall and slam at your little pinprick hole with everything I had just to break into your cunt…”

“Daddy. Daddy fuck please? You can hurt it. Kara, please—”

“No.”

The pressure alone from a single finger moving in and out, slow and careful and so gentle through her tight hole, had tears dribbling and strangled pain in her whimpers.

“Please Daddy?”

“Remember how much it hurt when I pushed inside your asshole? You begged me to fuck you in your ass, you begged for weeks, told me just how good you had gotten with your fingers, remember what happened that night?”

Lena’s expression slackened and her moans grew loud and close.

“Your head popped inside my bottom too fast, and it hurt and I couldn’t take you any deeper and started to cry, but you kept your head…”

“Kept my head where?”

“Stuck inside my bottom, Daddy.” Lena couldn’t remember it without a flood of arousal dripping her thighs. “You kept it stuck there and made me reach back and stroke your shaft until you came inside of my…”

“Your very pretty, very sore, very stretched asshole.” Kara could count her down like clockwork. “You cried like a little girl. Do you remember after I finished inside of you?”

“Mhm.”

“If you make me ask I will stop and put your panties back on myself.”

“Daddy kissed it better. You kissed it better and rubbed your finger over and round the edges, in circles, until I went to sleep.” The moans went high and warbly and gasping. “Kara please push inside?” Lena always tried one last time.

“No baby.” A little come hither and quickening on her clit was all it ever took. “Sweet baby girl. You look so pretty when you cum so hard that it makes you cry. See, you didn’t need more. You just needed to hear Daddy say no.”

Kara loved rewarding, loved kissing and sucking on little pink nipples, loved the way Lena trembled and rose up and wailed into the feeling of a suddenly lavished clit and French kissed cunt.

Daddy loved saying no.

Daddy loved Lena’s good, cathartic loveliest tears. The whimper when her sensitive little nipples were bitten a little too hard. The croaking, rasped and textured wail when Daddy bit harder anyway. The wide helpless arousal in her green eyes when Daddy twisted and pinched her nipples, cooing the little good girl, twisting and pinching past the tears, past the useless slaps drumming rapid and quick against everywhere and anywhere, focused only on the bucking little cunt lips grinding a puddle on Daddy’s knee until the request came.

Daddy loved saying yes too, sometimes.

Daddy whispered reassurance, permission and praise that swaddled orgasms into happy little baby girl tears and subspace calm. Daddy loved a sore, stretched and hypersensitive little hymen on her finger.

And of course, Daddy loved edging Lena’s pretty fat cunt lips, all swollen and spread and dripping the sheets puddled and damp, to then pull Lena’s panties back up too quickly and pat at her puffy little cunt twitches like she was a sweet, cherished pet, to then feel the frustrated tears dribble on to her hips with a lapping tongue and suckling mouth bobbing her straining cock.

The chastity belt would be on the top of the list of things she loved.

Kara knew it.

She heard the bathroom cabinets open and close. The deodorant. The faucet gushing to brush teeth and gargle. It wasn’t quick enough. Kara wanted to hurry it along and burst in and take her to bed like a little girl to be thrown over her sturdy, solid and strong shoulders. She wanted to be all the things Lena needed. She wanted to rub a nervous, push-pulling tummy, feel the lock click and the belt stay tight and secure on Lena’s hips and waist and denied little sex, smooth on her fingertips running each and every way along the steel straits.

She wanted to hush the inevitable tears.

She wanted to hold her close.

She wanted to ask, just to be sure, and then soften with relief at the inevitable answer.

“Feels good Daddy, I don’t want to take it off. It’s just different. It’s new and it’s a lot.”

Kara half-planned out the things she might say, probably would say, if the words came as she expected, and the moment felt as sweet as she hoped.

“It’s new and it’s a lot and that’s a big deal. It’s not chastity for denial baby, it’s for Saturday mornings curled up eating breakfast in bed and Sunday afternoons pulling my fingers down to your pretty parts at the movie theatre and…all of quiet, perfectly ordinary moments during the regular day that you can feel me there whenever you want to feel close and held…”

In Kara’s mind, she absolutely saw it as earnest truth.

It wasn’t a reason to avoid intimacy. It was a way to embrace it, keep it present and constant, find more reasons and ways to touch and be close and navigate what it meant to be intimate like other couples and yet, somehow, never intimate like other couples despite both craving it.

Kara wasn’t trying to be gross with her runaway thinking, she couldn’t help it, but she heard the faucet turn off and the running order of the bathroom draw to its end, and she tried to not be consumed with the wrong things—tried at least.

The banana had gone straight to her head.

It was the excuse in the absence of needing one. The one that made her laugh to herself. In her comfiest grey boxers and nothing else, Kara stirred back to life and topped her wine glass and poured one for Lena.

“Kara, baby?”

The bathroom door creaked wider, Lena slipped the towel around and Kara smiled at the way she smiled. Dripping black hair, gleaming skin, damp freckles and a thousand other perfectly good reasons to take her mouth and kisses in slow directions and lose herself in the little clean wonder of her girlfriend’s shape.

“Oh. You’re being naughty, uncouth and unsavoury” —Lena’s eyes flew open, then she laughed with the widest grin despite her exasperated and slumping posture— “Do you know how loud your dirty thoughts are? The neighbours complain, Kara!”

Kara snorted into the sip of her drink.

“Sorry baby,” Kara whispered with a smile.

Lena glanced to the empty waiting sofa then back to Kara’s eyeline.

“Wine and cuddles and nauseatingly sweet kisses over trash garbage television?”

“Afterwards.” Kara took Lena’s wine glass from the counter and carried it for her. “Bedroom first. I want you to be a good girl with an edged little pretty cunt under lock and key, and you’re going to be a good girl and take it like I tell you, Lena…” Kara stopped and turned her head as they stood parallel in the hallway, her voice as lavender calm and ordinary as it ever was. “I like it when you cry on my shoulder because you’re feeling things between your legs, baby. I’m going to love holding you tonight in your pretty little new belt and tomorrow I’ll take it off and suck the frustration from your little clit, and we’ll go for breakfast and talk about how it all feels.”

Lena stared like a lame rabbit in headlights.

“Daddy—”

Kara didn’t hang around for the conversation.

“Bedroom, Lena,” Kara whispered sweetly.

Read more, read all my things, come little one.

[bellysoupset]

That story with Luke and Leo was SO GOOD! I can’t believe Bella and Like broke up omg, I adore your writing ITS LITTERALY SO GOOD

What if you do a story where Jonah comforts Luke about his break up with Bella? I know they have kind of a enemies/friends/brothers relationship and I think it would be so cool to see Luke actually get emotional and have Jonah comforting him.

I thrive with drama!! The Bella/Luke story still will have quite a few installments I think, Lucas is being particularly stubborn and we don't even know what happened or Bell's POV. Anyway, enjoy

--------

"You are cheating," Wendy scoffed, kicking Jonah's thigh as he turned his completed wordle around for her to see, thus completely ruining her chances of beating him.

"I never cheat," he deadpanned, biting down a smile and reaching for the mug of hot coffee. It had been a pretty decent day, class had been a drag but not bad, work was slow for once... Pretty good. Even so, he couldn't wait to go home, less because of being tired, more because of the company that awaited him.

He kept waiting for the dumb butterflies to die down, but truth was Jonah still felt pretty stuck in the honeymoon phase. Not that he'd ever say it out loud.

He checked his phone, while Wendy pouted and grumbled about him being a cheater. There were no notifications from Leo, despite the fact he should've been home already.

Jonah chewed on his lip, gulping the rest of his coffee down, "do you think I should call him?"

"Mr. Di Caprio?" Wendy said sarcastically, all but sprawled on the staff couch, her feet resting on his lap. He slapped her ankle.

"Wendy," Jonah rolled his eyes, "I haven't heard from him since morning and normally he texts me during the lunch break."

"He texts you?" Wendy squinted, "always? Sounds very unilateral, Jon."

He scowled, then drummed his fingers against her leg resting on his lap, "you're right, I'm calling him."

"That's not what-"

He ignored his friend in favor of hitting Leo's contact and pressing the phone against his ear. Jonah was not the calling type, he'd much rather text anything and everything, voice messages being his absolute demise.

It rang and rang and rang. Then went to voicemail.

"Uh..."

"He's probably busy," Wendy said, noticing Jonah's frown, "I mean, his shift ended what? Forty minutes ago? Maybe he's going home still."

"The apartment is literally ten minutes away from his firm."

"I meant... The dorms?" She raised a judgmental eyebrow, green eyes sparkling, "did you ask him to move in with you six months into dating?"

"Five," Jonah corrected her, cheeks burning, "no, I didn't."

Wendy didn't even bother answering him, only opened an amused smile, one that said very well how he hadn't her convinced her at all.

"I just - Shut up, stop looking at me like that."

"I'm not looking at you in any way," she smiled, sitting up straight on the couch, "c'mon, chop chop. The sooner we're done with the clinic hours, the sooner we can go home."

By the time Jonah did reach home - Nearly an hour and a half later - he was already anxious. He had tried calling another time and had even texted, only to receive no answer. The entire elevator trip up, he kept telling himself that maybe Leo had just fallen asleep. It wouldn't be the first time, the guy needed all the sleep he could get in between his hectic hours...

Except Leo wasn't in the apartment and this was when Jon fully catapulted into "he's mad at me" territory.

He called again, pacing around the place, telling himself that if Leo didn't answer another call then he was going to drive to the dorms-

"Hi," the call connected, except it was not his boyfriend's soft spoken voice, but Luke's energic one.

"Why do you have Leo's phone?" Jonah demanded immediately, "did you call him into another one of those stupid midnight practices? That's abuse of power, Atwood-"

"Leo's sick," Lucas interrupted him and Jonah could almost hear the eyeroll, "he called me by accident, he meant to call you. He's got the stomach bug that's going around."

"What- How bad is he? Put him on the phone, I want to speak with him."

"He's rest-"

"Get Leo on the phone Lucas!"

"He is in a pretty bad shape. I picked him up from work and brought him over to my place, he's resting."

"You kidnapped my boyfriend," Jonah squinted at his door, already making up his mind and crossing the room for his car keys, "why didn't you bring him here?! I'm going over."

"Because you hurl when people get sick, Jonah," Lucas' voice dripped with disdain, "or did you forget last week when we both caught it?"

Jonah scowled, "I don't care. I'm going over."

"Don't be an idiot, you can't see vomit. He's fine, I know how to take care of people, I'm not ten," Lucas argued back, "stay home."

"Don't tell me how to date my own boyfriend," Jonah scoffed, "can't I just talk with hi-"

"Ah shit, I have to go," Lucas suddenly sounded distant, clearly busy and Jonah could faintly hear the noises of Leo retching in the background, getting louder as Lucas walked closer, only to cease suddenly when he hung up.

Jonah sighed, being left completely in the dark. He decided to try and not do anything harsh. He could shower, change out of the hospital dirty clothes and then call back again. Hopefully by then Leo would actually pick up and then he could reason with the guy to come home.

It was a solid plan, so he got on to it, only to find himself in the exact same position forty minutes later: pacing the living room, calling and getting just the voicemail.

Fucking Lucas Atwood and his hero complex.

Rationally Jonah knew that it probably just meant he was busy and that he would not actually be any help there. However logic wasn't the dominating part of him recently, so before he could think better of it, he was rushing out of the door.

For his credit he didn't stop at a pharmacy on his way there, for as much shit as he gave Luke, he knew the guy actually knew damn well how to take care of people.

His building didn't have a doorman, just the electronic panel to open the metal gates and Jonah, like anyone in the team, knew the password. He was buzzing with anxiety during the elevator ride up.

Lucas left the key inside of a fake rock on the huge fiddle leaf fig that sat near his apartment's door, and Jonah let himself in without a second thought.

"Leo?" He called, shutting the door behind him. The living room was empty, so Jonah moved further in, already expecting to find the whole party in the bathroom.

The door was shut and he immediately he heard a groan, followed by the noise of sick hitting water. A retch.

"Leo? It's me, can I come in...?" he knocked on the door, sympathy nausea be damned. His stomach already churned with the idea, but he simply couldn't just let his boyfriend be all by himself, "Leo?"

"Not Leo," Lucas scoffed, opening the door while wiping his mouth, "what are you doing here?"

"Where is Leo?" Jonah glared at him, concern flying out of the window.

"Asleep, he just passed out," Lucas rolled his eyes, pointing the guest room door and Jonah turned his back on him, rushing to the room.

It eased his heart just a little bit to see Leo tucked under the blankets, one pale hand poking out, as well as greasy blonde hair. He looked frail, which wasn't like his athletic built.

"When did he call you?" Jonah asked, leaning on the doorway.

"Around the time his shift ended, I think. Almost six."

"Did he say if he was sick since morning?" the idea that Leo might've been sick since that morning and that he had completely missed it made Jonah wince.

"Nope, he didn't start puking until I got there," Lucas rubbed a hand over his face, "like I said, he's fine."

"I'll be the judge of that when he wakes up, I'm the only one here who's qualified to say this," Jonah scoffed, but he couldn't help a small smile. Then he crossed his arms to look at Luke, "so you don't get sympathy sick, uh?"

"I don't."

"Then why the fuck were you throwing up?" Jonah frowned and Lucas' ears turned red, but he shrugged.

"Just the remains of the bug, I guess."

"We caught the flu a week ago. Actually, nine days ago," Jonah raised his eyebrows, "you're not still sick."

"I'm fine," Lucas pushed past him, moving towards the kitchen and Jon followed, unable to drop the subject now that it had piqued his attention.

He watched as the other man opened the fridge and fished out a gatorade bottle, starting to drink it. Jonah squinted. Lucas' hands were shaking.

"Lucas."

"I said I am fine."

Jonah rolled his eyes, leaning against the opposite kitchen wall, "what happened?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Lucas shrugged, taking a large gulp. Jon studied him up and down. He could drop it, but something in the horrible energy around Luke was making him uneasy. It reminded him of the last year of high school.

"Lucas," Jonah tried again, "is your dad ok?"

"He's fine, nanna is fine, everyone is fine," he rolled his eyes, sounding pretty pissed off.

"Okay..." Jon stared at him, not buying it for a second, "where's Bella?"

Lucas shrugged, gesturing vaguely and Jonah's eyebrows met in a frown, before it fully dawned on him why his friend was acting like that.

"Shit, Luke-"

"It's fine," he cut him off, not in the mood to get any sympathies, "it's been weeks, it's fine."

Jonah didn't believe him. He had never seen Lucas be "fine" with anything close to his heart.

"Alright, you're fine," Jonah raised his hands in a fake defeated manner, voice dripping with sarcasm, "clearly, because fine people get sick from nerves and can't hold a glass without reenacting parkinson's. Sure."

"If I wake up Leo will you leave me the fuck alone?" Lucas' voice was sharp and cold, his normal friendliness all but gone, "I don't want to talk about it."

"Astounding work, captain," Jonah rolled his eyes, "I'm gonna go check on Leo and then I'll leave. I know the way out." He mentally kicked himself, what he actually wanted to do was not fight with Atwood. For all their bickering, they had known each other for an extremely long time, he was actually concerned over Luke's well being.

Whatever, he'd just tell Vince and let him deal with this.

Leo had turned around on the bed, kicked off the blankets, which probably meant the fever had gone down and he had started to feel just how warm he was.

Jonah sat gingerly at the edge of his bed, pushing the hair away from his boyfriend's sweaty forehead. He didn't have it in him to wake him up, even if the last thing he wanted was to leave Leo there.

Against everything in him, he leaned in and planted a kiss on his brow, then got up and left the room. Lucas was in the hallways, arms crossed and looking somehow worse than less than five minutes before.

Jonah sighed, "tell him I stopped by? And-" he cringed, "for what's worth I'm sorry about how things ended between you and Bella. I know that you-"

"I'll let Leo know you were here. Can you call in his work and let them know he won't be there tomorrow?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Alright," Lucas gestured to the door, "bye Jon."

[jaybarou]

I'm turning some of my most AU fanfics into Original short stories in the hopes of selling them to a publisher. (And thus get some cred to send my CV to Publishers and leave my job)

While I unfic them all, I'll post them here and you can read them with the tag #limited edition. I'll delete them after a few days

<2k words

Lukas was born with more than the fairytale, together-forever soul-mark, because he was a contrary bastard and probably allergic to normal. Normal was relative anyway. The perfect one-mark-soulmate was stuff for films, as far as Lukas was concerned.

Lukas hated people. It was something common in many sixteen-year olds, but the feeling accompanied him through his adult years too. It had started when he was old enough to recognize the disgusted looks that were sent his way. And why? Because he had marks, plural.

His parents were used to it, having seen Lukas since birth, it was the others. Films always said that people were born with one mark; their soulmate. It was a filthy lie. Lukas knew his parents’ marks didn’t match. His friend Jaiden’s and his wife’s did, but Jaiden was the exception; most people never found their loved ones, or the age difference was too big, or one of them was already dead… Soulmates didn’t exist, not in that fairytale way, so why all the films! The books! The songs!

It was ridiculous. So matching marks was true love, but when two guys had marks, suddenly it was platonic friendship, right? Some people didn’t have marks, and doctors all over the world were looking for a ‘cure’. Maddening, disgusting. People fell out of love; there were divorces, and presto! There was a clinic to cover the mark.

Guys with two marks were called lucky; girls with more than one mark were called sluts. Mothers having marks of their beloved children was the norm, fathers having marks of their children was seen as too feminine. Dark-skinned people who went through a skin treatment to reveal their marks were trying too hard, but if they didn’t, they were selfish and not thinking about their mate.

Maybe Lukas would have been less bitter about it if he hadn’t been born with more than twenty marks that went from his neck to his toes. It was unfair, and at age sixteen people started to say that he was faking it, getting marks tattooed because he wanted attention. No, Lukas had more than twenty soulmates and if someone had a problem with that they could fight him.

Well, it turned out that the soulmates the marks referred to where ones who wanted a fight in the first place. Lukas’s first girlfriend never believed that one of his marks was hers because none of them matched the feather-looking one on her collarbone. She didn’t feel any remorse when she left his life. Lukas knew her mark was the one on his ankle, because it had the shape of a strawberry, and she always smelled like strawberries.

Another girlfriend thought her mark had to be The True One and the others were tattoos, or mistakes. Lukas left her after one too many attempts at explaining that he could love deeply many people and not be a mistake. A boyfriend insisted on bleaching the other marks, to prove his love. Another boyfriend thought that the marks meant Lukas was cheating on him. Others had simply used him. Very few of his marks were platonic.

Lukas fell in love easily. That was the stupid truth. Lukas loved all of them, and he had loved them after they were no longer together. Lukas learned that loving people who didn't love him back wasn’t pathetic, but only after many years of people telling him that he was; sometimes the word they said wasn’t ‘pathetic’, but ‘cute’ in a very condescending tone. It still felt like a slap.

So Lukas hated people in general and loved people in particular. He loved less and less frequently with each new disappointment.

And then, his marks were useful for once.

He had been feeling down. Far worse than usual. All kind of ideas had been going through his mind, and not one of them had a happy ending. But he had still six marks that he had never met. There had to be some kind of future for him; a future where he met the one who put the mark there. He chose to believe that, even though he didn’t know, like most of the population in the world, how marks actually worked.

Marks were largely unstudied; it had something to do with electric pulses from the brain during the last months of gestation. Capillary veins broke in patterns and shapes that had to be related to society and education, but nobody understood why a baby was born with a, say, Allen key printed on their skin (not that Lukas had one or anything).

Lukas was glad of not needing to explain marks in his line of work. Engineering was much cleaner, despite Jaiden’s claims and his laundry bill. And marks, in Lukas’s experience, meant someone would be exactly what his soul needed in that moment. Not some key, meet hole kind of deal.

So his marks carried him through his worst patch, at least long enough to see someone about it, at least until he dared to open up to a few select friends.

He ended up moving to a country north of the border where an old friend was looking for an engineer. It was eye-opening for him. He had met a lot of people, and... They didn’t care as much about marks as back home.

One of his coworkers had lightning marks all over his back, and he said one of the branches was probably for his Alex. Probably! He didn’t know! Because people there thought that marks didn’t match people, but showed how much a person was capable of loving in size and quantity. More bullshit for the pile, in Lukas’s opinion. But at least it was new bullshit, and proved that back home it had to be just as stupid.

He had relaxed a fair bit after that thought sunk in. He had gone out with the new people he had met and he had enjoyed himself.

At least until the Police came to his home and took him away.

It had been a mistake, a series of files wrongly filled, he had been lax checking then three times over, the friend who had given him the job had thought that he would have finished the last steps of the process... And he had protested when the Police asked for him. Loudly.

He had been very lucky of just ending up spending the night in the cell. There had only been another guy who looked like he had left a party mid-toast.

He had decided to approach the other guy and strike a conversation: Best. Decision. Ever.

They hadn’t slept at all that night. Lukas had chosen instead to listen to a tipsy Adrian, who had been telling him about the high-standing party he had indeed crashed.

The next morning they had gotten out and Lukas… well, Lukas was the kind of person who knew what he wanted, and he wanted Adrian. Because Adrian was kind-faced and had a mean strike that he knew how to point at people who deserved it, and he was witty, and, most important, he liked Lukas without caring about marks.

Adrian, in turn, told him that he worked with legal issues and offered himself to fix his papers. Both of them knew it was an excuse to see each other again. Lukas often said he would have had to leave the country without Adrian’s help. Not everyone agreed in that last part, but Lukas didn’t care.

After the whole ordeal, Lukas had Adrian.

Lukas had Adrian’s mark and Adrian, who didn’t have a single mark in his body, loved Lukas. It was an amazing feeling: Adrian liked that they were defying destiny, Lukas loved that someone wanted to give the middle finger to biology and expectations with him. Lukas didn’t believe in soulmates anymore, but he believed in Adrian. And that he was good for his soul in any possible way.

They discovered years later, after an accident forced Adrian to cut his hair for a good number of stitches, that Adrian had at least one mark that had looked like Lukas’ favorite constellation. Orion had been hard to see through the hair, and easy to mistake for moles. It had been a few days of insecurities, but Adrian and Lukas kept defying destiny anyway, because Lukas had more marks, several, but was over letting his marks dictate his life, he wasn’t going to change the person he chose with his free will to wait for the next magical-mythical perfect match around the corner.

Adrian never said anything when Lukas said such things aloud when they were out with friends, or Adrian’s family, or when he shouted it at the Christmas diner and almost got himself banned from family gatherings altogether, but the point of his ears turned either red when he was within earshot and Lukas wanted to say it all over again until Adrian believed him.

A few years later, with enough shared stories in their memories to fill a library, they met the twins in the adoption center: Helena, and Olive. Of course Lukas had marks for them, how could he not? He loved the little chaotic kids with his whole being. Adrian’s marks for them never manifested, but were ever present in how he loved them every day. Lukas loved him even more for it, for proving that love was not skin-shallow.

Lukas had one mark left; most of the time he was busy living a busy live with the best partner he could have asked for and their progeny, but sometimes the old worries came back to torment him. There weren’t going to be more kids, unless he lived to see his grand-kids, something unlikely, because Helena and Olive didn’t like the idea of children, so the mark was not for that. In dark days he feared something terrible would happen and take happiness from him; force Lukas to find happiness anew in someone else’s arms.

It still took Lukas until he was combing back white hairs to find the last mark. It was one day, after a visit of their children, when he was recalling his life and wondering if he could be proud of the person he had lived long enough to be. Lukas realized with a shock that the last mark was his own. Lukas told Adrian, and his husband hugged him tightly because he had suspected something like that; it had taken Lukas a lifetime to learn to love himself.

[goldenboygate]

ok so a bit of a story time

As many of you know I’ve been trying to get pregnant for some time now. I’ve been on this journey for a couple of years, from the first time I decided to do it alone to physical and mental checks to interviews with a social worker.

There’s only one clinic that does this in Iceland, and it’s aprox. 5 hours by car away from me. So the stress of realising your ovulating, getting an appointment at the clinic, getting a day off from your work, driving 5 hours and getting there before closing time is a lot.

I was told that with the age that I am and with how many eggs I’ve got that 4-5 tries were probably optimal, but starting with three was preferable. So I did that. I bought three straws of sperm for a whoooole lot of money. Then each try cost about 100k ISK + the cost of driving back and forth.

The first negative was horrendous. A slap in the face. I had my hopes all the way up only for them to come crashing down and that was on me. IUI’s only work 17% of the time and that’s not a lot. 17% is shockingly low.

The second time I went I had tapered my expectations but I still broke down crying at work when my period came. You’re always supposed to take a pregnancy test on the day the clinic told you (no matter if you get your period or not), but bleeding is a bad sign no matter what.

The last time i went was June 14th. There were no expectations. I had surrendered to the fact that it wasn’t gonna happen, at least not this time. Before I got inseminated I talked to the doctor about my options. She said that I could keep going, but the chances were low or that I could go with IVF.

I don’t think people, who haven’t had to go through this, understand how expensive it is. IVF is over 5x more expensive than a single IUI. And people don’t get how demoralising and heartbreaking this process is. And before anyone asks about adoption, I’ve talked about that on here before and it’s not an option.

I was genuinely living my life like I wasn’t pregnant. I had no symptoms, everything was the same as the other two times and I’d even talked so down on the whole thing that my mom didn’t believe me when I told her about my pregnancy on Monday. Hell, I got a freaking tattoo. That’s how absolutely positive I was about not being pregnant (I took a pregnancy test on Tuesday that came out negative).

I know some people think I’m dramatic and that I am using “pity to get attention” and “hysteric” (a word so misogynistic that i am ashamed for the person who called me that), but I am literally only sharing this with people who follow me. I TW every discussion about this journey so that people don’t have to read it. It’s a choice, one that people make for themselves. Anyways, this is not the point of this post.

The thing is, I wasn't even gonna take a test. I was supposed to do it Sunday morning but forgot, and then that night, when I was gonna put the test on the toilet seat to remind me, I found out that I'd actually lost it. So I debated with myself if I should even buy a new one, but I woke up Monday morning and decided to do it, especially since I have to report back to the clinic with the result. Didn't pee until I came back home, and, well, don't think I've cried so much in years as when I saw the "Pregnant" on the test. I was speechless. I’ll put the video down here. I was also really happy, but now all I feel is anxiety.

I don’t feel pregnant. I don’t have nausea, or tender breasts. Sure, my sense of smell seems to be heightened but is that just a placebo effect? Like, I got a positive pregnancy test and so I’m just making it up in my head that I have symptoms?

In fact, I’ve taken 6 pregnancy tests. Two on Monday and four yesterday. It’s probably excessive but I don’t know. I’ve been Googling stuff and reading about why you could get false positives. If you have cancer it’s possible (I don’t have cancer, at least not that I know). Also possible if you have an ectopic or chemical pregnancy.

Maybe you don’t get 6 positive tests if that’s the case? I don’t know, I’ve never been pregnant before. And I usually think about the worst scenario possible.

I’m just trying to be chill but I don’t think I can until my first doctors visit, which is in 19 days.

I’m 5 weeks along (apparently you start counting from the first day of your last period, did not know that). It’s not much but it’s more than I thought I’d ever get. I’m so grateful to everyone who has been with me on this journey, and I know it’s not over. There are 35 weeks to go and I realise that there are so many things that could go wrong. But I’m not gonna think about that. At least I’m gonna try not to think about it.

Also to the person who decided to come for me for being happy about something that had a 17% CHANCE OF HAPPENING, who decided to shame me and my feelings during my journey: I don’t know what’s going on with you. You’re clearly deeply unhappy and you should probably deal with that, go see a professional be it a therapist or a psychiatrist. You have no right to judge me, especially as someone who is too cowardly to do it without resulting to anonymity. I hope you one day get what you want but meanwhile you should protect your own peace, and stop reading things that trigger you and that includes my tumblr. But if you do come back on my page spewing vitriol and hate and being the disgusting person you were yesterday, I will not be wishing you any health or happiness. You reap what you sow and if you keep with that attitude your days will not be filled with love.

Please enjoy my ugly face realising I just got a positive.

[voraciousvore]

In the Belly of the Giant (38/39)

***Contains mouthplay***

Chapter 38

Eren couldn’t put off her responsibilities any longer. She had avoided the question long enough, and tried to push it out of her mind, but she couldn’t continue in this manner indefinitely. She had to make a decision about her job. 

After being eaten so many times, she didn’t think she’d be able to go inside any giant mouths voluntarily. It had been bad enough when Jake the Snake shut his jaws around her and wouldn’t let her out of his filthy mouth, but being swallowed was a whole different matter. Eren was afraid. Even if there wasn’t any real danger of becoming someone’s lunch, she suspected just being inside a mouth, surrounded by teeth and pink flesh and saliva, would trigger a panic attack. 

She thought she might try to acclimate herself by going inside a mouth she knew was safe, like Joey’s. However, Joey flatly refused to allow her inside his mouth. He couldn’t stand the thought of his vulnerable girlfriend being in his mouth, even if he didn’t swallow her. He still felt horror at the memory of her moving on his tongue, sliding down his throat, and thrashing desperately in his belly. He never wanted to go through that nightmare again. He didn’t know how Eren could be brave enough to even attempt to go back to work. 

Eren wanted to say goodbye to her coworkers, so she decided to hand in her resignation in person. She asked Joey to take her to the clinic and keep her safe, and Joey reluctantly approved. He knew, logically, they couldn’t stay locked up in their apartment forever. Eren was morose about losing her employment, a career she had trained so hard for and previously enjoyed, so he made an attempt to see the positives. 

“Your boss was a jerk there anyways,” Joey said as he carried her along the sidewalk. “It was time for you to move on to something better, something different.” 

“Yeah,” Eren mumbled half-heartedly. 

“Maybe you could get a job with Stephanie at the nail salon. She mentioned before, with your small size, you’d be really good at doing the nail art,” Joey suggested. 

“I guess,” Eren replied listlessly. “It’s not really my thing though. Plus, I’m not very artistic.” 

“Sure you are! You could paint little flowers on nails, couldn’t you? Or… um… I don’t know what else they paint on nails. I’m not the type of person to get a manicure.” Joey chuckled as he imagined how silly his manly hands would look with long pink nails. 

“Yeah, I suppose I could.” Eren didn’t sound very enthusiastic. She was far more enthusiastic about teeth cleaning, but that was in the past now. 

Joey walked up to the clinic and went inside, carefully scanning the room for any potential threats as was his habit. Eren was hit with the familiar smell of fluoride and toothpaste and felt a pang of sadness as she remembered how fulfilling her job had been for her. She would miss this place. 

“Oh, hi, Joey. What are you doing here?” the giantess secretary asked, surprised to see him. She brushed away a strand of her auburn hair and adjusted her purple glasses. She did a double take when she spotted Eren sitting in Joey’s palm. 

“EREN!” she squealed. She practically vaulted over the reception desk in her rush to reach Eren. She grabbed Eren out of Joey’s hand and gave her a generous hug, nearly shoving her tiny body into her cleavage. 

Eren flailed her arms, slapping the secretary on one of her bulging breasts. “Audrey, you’re crushing me…” she gasped. 

“Oops! Sorry!” Audrey apologized, pulling Eren out from between her boobs and holding her gingerly, in a more civilized manner. “Oh, Eren… I’m so glad to see you’re okay! I was so worried about you!” Her face contorted with emotion. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there to save you…” 

Eren patted her hand with sympathy. “It’s okay, Audrey, you didn’t know. All that matters is that I’m back now.” 

“Are you… coming back to work?” the secretary asked hesitantly. 

Eren’s expression dropped and her eyes became sad. “Actually… I came here to formally resign. I-I can’t do this sort of work anymore, after what happened…” Her voice choked up with sadness. 

“Oh… I understand, Eren. Let me get the boss for you.” Audrey looked sad at the news but handed Eren back over to Joey and called in Dr. Larson. Eren internally prepared herself to speak with her former boss. Her interactions with him were rarely pleasant, so she wasn’t sure what to expect. She didn’t know how he would react to the news of her quitting either. She was grateful to have Joey with her, as a giant presence on her side. Being chewed out by an angry giant when she was standing so small at table height was always an intimidating experience. 

Dr. Larson came into the waiting room, wringing his hands. Eren immediately noticed a significant change from his usual demeanor. He typically marched stiffly into a room with an aggressive attitude and a sullen glare. This time, though, his shoulders were hunched, he shuffled his feet, and he looked a bit sheepish. He looked at Eren and licked his lips nervously. 

“Eren… it’s nice to see you. Are you… doing okay?” Dr. Larson asked her timidly. Eren nodded coolly. He took a deep breath. “That’s… that’s good.” There was an awkward pause. Eren opened her mouth to speak, but before she could utter a word her old boss cut her off. “Look, Eren, I wanted to apologize. I blame myself for what happened. I shouldn’t have pushed you like I did, and I shouldn’t have left you alone in the office. I’m sorry.” 

Eren was astonished by this new development, but managed to reply, “I forgive you.” 

“And… I’m sorry for not valuing you more. We’ve lost a substantial chunk of our business since you left. I-I guess I took you for granted.” He ran a hand through his white hair. 

“I… actually came here to resign,” Eren admitted. “I don’t think I’ll be able to work here anymore.” 

“Oh… I see…” Dr. Larson fidgeted with discomfort. “I figured you might feel that way. Just know, if you ever want your old job back, it’s yours. And know that we’d never let anything like that happen again. We’d watch over you and keep you safe. And I’ll let you work at your own pace. I won’t rush you or overbook you anymore. Anything you want, it’s yours.” 

Eren was gobsmacked. She didn’t know what to say. Finally, she responded, “I’ll… I’ll give it some thought.” 

“Take your time and think it over. Get back to me when you’re ready. Okay?” the dentist said. 

“Okay,” Eren confirmed, casting her eyes down at her hands. Dr. Larson retreated back to his office. As Joey and Eren left, Audrey gave them a wave of farewell and a sweet smile, which the couple were happy to reciprocate. 

Eren rode in the palm of Joey’s hand in silence, deep in thought. She had been so sure of herself coming in, that she wouldn’t be able to work anymore. Yet, she had been so sad to leave her job. Now, with her boss’s assurances of safety and a better working environment, she wondered if it would be possible to overcome her trauma and reclaim her position. 

“What are you thinking, Eren?” Joey inquired. 

“I’m thinking… I don’t know what to think. Honestly, I want my old job back. I just don’t know if I can do it,” Eren evinced. 

Joey sighed. “I thought you’d say that.” He paused. “I guess… I’ll let you practice on me. To get you comfortable again.” He gulped. “You understand, of course… it just makes me really nervous…” 

Joey and Eren had not discussed their imprisonment together at all. They had kept those unpleasant memories buried, not wanting to talk about what happened. They preferred to live in the present, and to love and support each other as best they could. However, Joey felt now he needed to express himself, to get his feelings off his chest. 

“I was so scared, Eren. It was horrible, being forced to eat you alive and thinking you were going to die inside me. I felt responsible for your suffering. Eren, I’m so sorry…” Joey’s breathing quickened as his emotions heightened. “I was worried you’d be afraid of me, or even come to hate me, for what I’d done.” 

“Oh, Joey…” Eren expressed. “I never knew you felt that way! I love you to the ends of the Earth, Joey! I’d never blame you for what that monster Trent made you do!” Joey sighed in relief, to hear those comforting words from her. 

“And Joey… to be honest, it wasn’t that bad, to be in your belly. Considering the circumstances we were under, I felt safer inside your stomach than anywhere outside where Trent could grab me,” Eren confessed. “Not to say that I necessarily enjoyed it or anything, but I liked being close to you, in such an intimate way.” She blushed slightly at the recollection. 

“R-really?” Joey responded, baffled. “You mean that?” 

“With all my heart,” Eren answered. 

“You’re so wonderful, Eren!” Joey gushed, bathing her in a sensual kiss. She leaned into his plush lips and kissed his upper lip in return. By now, they had made it back to their apartment. Joey made sure to lock the door behind him, for safety. 

“Well, you want to give this a try?” Joey asked her. “Are you ready?” Eren nodded. Joey sat down on the couch. He felt very weird about what he was going to do next, but if it was for Eren’s wellbeing, he was willing. “Okay.” He raised his girlfriend up to his mouth and opened wide. He felt Eren step into his mouth, her miniscule feet squishing into his tongue. Now that Joey was calmer, unlike the last time she was inside his mouth, he noticed how surprisingly delectable she tasted. He had sampled her flavor before, of course, but rarely did he have her entire body in his mouth. She settled in on his tongue. He wanted to ask how she was doing, but he couldn’t say anything with his mouth full. 

Joey’s salivary glands started to work overtime at the flavorsome morsel of woman in his mouth. He didn’t anticipate this response at all, but he was actually enjoying having her inside his mouth, perhaps more than he should. He had a spontaneous desire to close his mouth around her and play with her on his tongue, roll her small body around. Maybe even swallow her. He repressed this urge with distress. He was greatly disturbed by this unexpected change. He felt extraordinary guilt the last time he gulped her down, so why did he want to now? He didn’t understand this new instinct. 

Eren started to quiver on his tongue. She curled up into a little ball, and he tasted salty drops of tears. He realized she was panicking and gently spat her out into his hand. “Eren, are you alright?” 

She looked up at him with fear. Joey felt a twinge of guilt at his strange thoughts earlier. “I don’t think I can do this, Joey,” she cried. “I got scared.” Joey’s heart melted and he wrapped his hands around her tiny body lovingly. 

“It’s okay Eren. You did good. Maybe when you’re up for it, we can try again later,” Joey reassured her. He licked his lips. He knew he’d be down for it anytime. 

Chapter 39

Chapter 1

[kick-a-droid]

I posted 3,032 times in 2022

That's 3,032 more posts than 2021!

67 posts created (2%)

2,965 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@/thecodyagenda

@/gaeasun

@/d3epfriedangels

@/chiafett

I tagged 2,662 of my posts in 2022

Only 12% of my posts had no tags

#sw - 988 posts

#sw: tcw - 826 posts

#other's ocs - 498 posts

#commander cody - 234 posts

#obi wan kenobi - 220 posts

#sw: owk - 189 posts

#commander fox - 184 posts

#ahsoka - 170 posts

#anakin skywalker - 166 posts

#captain rex - 123 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#anyway there's lots wrong in general with tbb but cody being in it 100% means they're going to portray him as someone choosing to ally with

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

hey zip! for prompts, how about “You can lean on me.” for Cody? 👀

leo, thank you so much for the prompt! and i am so sorry this lived in my inbox for literal months but here it finally is!

tw: description of bad injury, description of blood, some casual self-hatred

All battles were gruesome. It was the first and most important lesson of war, and the one Cody would never forget as the gods averted their eyes from campaigns like these, condemning thousands of his vod’e to rot on backwater planets no one would ever visit again. Perhaps the gods only turned their gaze upon the survivors, blessing them with the chance to die in the clinical cold of medbay or sob into the warmth of their batch mates’ chests.

Cody almost always occupied a purgatory fit for one, and this battle was no exception. A deep gash in his left leg was steadily bleeding, soaking through his blacks as he limped to his quarters and away from medbay. He was hurt but the vod’e that had been carried away mid-battle were fighting for their lives and Cody wasn’t going to topple their odds just because the CC label the Kaminoans slapped onto his tube gave him undeserving priority. 

He punched in the code and stumbled through the doorway, sending his armor rack tumbling to the ground as he collapsed. His breathing was labored and his bucket was sending him obnoxious alerts about his rapidly deteriorating health but none of that mattered. The only thing that mattered was he made it to his quarters and no one was going to die because he had been selfish and stupid enough to survive. 

He ripped his bucket off and started dragging himself to his fresher where his med kit was kept, dutifully ignoring the way sweat stung his eyes and how salty his tears tasted. 

The chime to his door went off suddenly and he stopped, panting heavily. 

“Commander?”

Of course it was Obi-Wan. He was nothing if not the most annoying part of Cody’s personal purgatory.

“‘M fine. About to use the ‘fresher,” Cody shouted, hoping the door muffled the way his voice wavered. 

The door slid open and Cody let his forehead fall to the ground with a thud. The godly powers that scorned him now would regret it as soon as he could find a quiet place to die and begin his journey to their thrones. 

“Oh dear,” Obi-Wan mumbled as crouched in front of Cody and ran a gloved hand through his sweaty curls. “Let’s get you to med bay.”

Cody bit his lip, the tang of blood on his tongue a welcome distraction as Obi-Wan turned Cody onto his back and reached for his arms. Cody struggled out of his grasp, ignoring the shooting spikes of pain and the blood pooling below his leg. 

“Cody. You need to get help.”

“No,” Cody sobbed. “I order them to die in battle. I won’t be the reason they die in medbay as well.”

Obi-Wan frowned and Cody turned away, unable to watch the concern chisel itself into his face. “If you don’t get to medbay now, a medic is going to have to come here and then they’ll be short staffed. You don’t want that though, right?” 

Cody glared at him. “No.”

“Good,” Obi-Wan said as he hauled Cody up with ease. 

Cody pushed off of Obi-Wan to stand on his own, refusing to cause him more trouble than he already had. It was a decision he regretted instantly as pain shot through his body and black spots clouded his vision. He wasn’t quite sure which way was up and if he was simply rocking or on a one way collision course with his bloody floor. 

“You can lean on me,” Obi-Wan said as he pulled Cody’s arm over his shoulders and grabbed his waist. 

The shift in weight brought an instantaneous relief as most of his pain fizzled away and his vision cleared. Their first step together brought nothing more than a dull ache and Cody was confident that some of his relief had to be from Obi-Wan’s force osik. 

“Thank you,” Cody mumbled.

21 notes - Posted September 4, 2022

#4

i think it was so perfect for anakin to lose to obi-wan in the same way he lost to him in the flashbacks, only for anakin to then win against reva using the same weapon stealing tactic obi-wan had pulled on him all those years ago.

23 notes - Posted June 15, 2022

#3

click for better quality :)

ballerina!cody because he deserves to look like a sunflower 🌻

references:

pose: x

26 notes - Posted August 11, 2022

#2

WIP Game!

thank you sm for the tag @lost-on-kamino :)))

Rules: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them and then post a little snippet of it or tell them something about it! And then tag as many people as you have wips. (You can make your own post or reblog this one!) I have deemed that this isn’t just for writing either. Sketch titles? Comics? DnD campaigns? If you have an unfinished project, it counts!!

oh boy, most of my wips are in the idea stage, lmao, but here they are:

writing:

cereal - cody & rex

lean on me - cody & obi-wan

cold, dead dream - tavi's grandma & fox

no war AU - ventress & trinket

tavi during o66

rise and fall - cody

how blueshift gets his name - blueshift & fizz

blueshift, fizz, and o66

art:

face refs - fizz and blueshift

armor ref - blueshift

blueshift and fizz and makeup

ballerina!cody

plus sized fandom event - ahsoka

hand drawn pfps for a couple of my blogs

the night we met

combo:

intro posts for ocs - jal, norvu, blueshift, trinket, and tavi's grandma

no pressure tags! @thecodyagenda @ct-7567 @fooolisher @turtlepie and anyone who wants to do this :)

34 notes - Posted August 3, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

headcanon that waxer and boil smuggle a goldfish on board the negotiator and make it almost two weeks before someone (wooley) drunkenly tells cody about it.

cody let's it go though, because waxer's argument about morale and the fish being 212th gold was very convincing.

it had nothing to do with the fact that cody finds the fish cute. nothing at all.

anyway there ends up being a ongoing poll for the fish's name and after a few weeks the name commander finley wins.

yes, commander finley outranks both cody and obi-wan. yes, everyone salutes finley when they pass her in the barracks.

72 notes - Posted May 3, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[werewolfdays]

Fluff #20 please

it's a good thing I label things in my docs cause I wouldn't have remembered which one this was (at least I hope this is the right one) 😬 Anyway SO sorry this took ages and ages to get to, but I'm happy that I'm easing back into writing again and I had fun with this one. Hope you enjoy!

20. Sender lifts receiver’s chin, invoking eye contact.

The annoying sound of my alarm pulled me out of a deep sleep. I grumbled and slapped at my phone on the nightstand until it shut up. Once an enticing silence filled the room, I rolled over and groggily reached out for her in the space next to me. Finding the bed empty was always a more effective means of forcing me into consciousness. A part of me will always be afraid of waking up without Jayde – of having to relive the grief that losing her put me through.

Luckily, when I shot bolt upright to search for her in a confused panic, I saw the note on her pillow. In my drowsy state, I snatched it, and fell back onto my side of the bed with a dramatic bounce. After rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I absentmindedly fumbled for my glasses on the nightstand.

Had more bad dreams and didn’t want to wake you. I’m going out to do night shift patrols. Might do morning too. Don’t worry, I’ll be home by noon. Love you. -J

My lips pursed as I sighed. Nightmares had crept up on Jayde out of nowhere for the past several nights. It’s kept the both of us up and I quickly ran out of ideas to ease her torment. Seeing her grow progressively more exhausted every day was hard to witness. I could only do so much for her and I felt helpless when the mental lows dragged on longer than usual. Being there for her made me feel a little less useless, so I became disappointed that I hadn’t been roused when she suffered.

Searching for threats all night and all morning with hardly any sleep didn’t exactly sound like a good solution. Jayde probably banked on patrols tiring her out enough to get a somewhat decent rest later. At least, I hoped that was her motive. Jayde’s coping mechanisms could be unpredictable. 

Now that I was sufficiently worried, I put the note down and pulled myself out of bed to start the day.

I powered through a distracted breakfast, going back and forth on whether or not to send someone for her. Jayde could get hurt out there. I’m sure Skye or Toby would agree to check on her if she didn’t return when she said. 

Being burnt out wouldn’t stop Jayde from defending herself if she had to. My girlfriend was a force to be reckoned with on bad days just as much as on good ones, I needed to remember that.

But then the possibility of her falling into a panic attack made me anxious. There had to be a hundred terrible things swirling around in her mind that had been brought to the surface during her recent nightmares. With her guard lowered from a lack of sleep, I feared the slightest thing might trigger a reaction. She should never have to endure that alone.

Noon came and went without any sign of Jayde. My anxiety rose as the sun readied its descent. Not even the few patients that came to see me in the clinic took my mind off of things. All kinds of scenarios ran through my head the longer her absence continued and I wondered if this was how Jayde felt whenever I made her worried sick.

I decided to close the clinic a little early and make my way to the Den. Toby nodded as I approached the bar. He wordlessly started to make my usual after work tea, but I had an important question. “Have you heard from Jayde at all today?” 

He shook his head. “Isn’t she on patrol?”

Disappointment sunk in my gut. “Yeah. Since last night.” 

“Oh.” Toby tried to hide it, but I still caught the alarmed glint in his dark brown eyes.

“Exactly,” I said with a heavy sigh. “Do you think you can go out there and bring her home?”

A pained expression twisted his features as he lifted a regretful shoulder. “When she gets like this… she doesn’t really listen to me much. It’s always a dismissive excuse until she’s done wearing herself out. I’m sure it can’t be that much longer.” 

Waiting didn’t appeal to me at all. I chewed on my bottom lip and tapped my fingers on the bar in thought. “I think I might know how to get her to come back.” 

“How?”

“I’m gonna have to go out there myself.” 

Toby completely stopped what he was doing. “Now that isn’t a good idea, Nadya.” 

“It’s been days since she got a decent rest and she’s been out there since before the sun came up,” I pointed out. “She’ll follow me home herself to keep me safe.” 

“And be pissed that you went into a restricted section of the property, ‘cause, you know, you could get bit or mauled.” Sarcastic as his tone sounded, the words were true. 

I shrugged. “At least she won’t be thinking about her bad dreams.” 

“Jesus,” Toby scoffed. “You sound like her, you know that?”

I forced a casual smirk to stoke the resemblance. “I’ll bring protection, it’ll be fine.” 

“Nadya, seriously, let me at least go with you.” 

“That’ll defeat the purpose. Jayde will just make you be the one to escort me back.” 

He threw his hands in the air. “You’re supposed to be the responsible one!” 

“See you at dinner,” I chuckled softly and turned on my heel to head towards my room.

I retrieved my hiking bag out of the closet, but hesitated before closing the door. Toby was right, Jayde won’t be happy about the fact I crossed lines I shouldn’t. If I came prepared, though, she might not be as upset with me going out to find her. After the moment passed, I steeled my resolve and pushed coats and clothes aside. 

I put it in the closet, right? 

Halfway into rummaging through our stuff, it clicked. I remembered that I put it behind the bookshelf because Jayde kept her weapons in the closet. There were very limited places that I could keep it away from Jayde, yet close enough to grab during an emergency. 

I reluctantly knelt down beside the tall bookshelf and slid my fingers in the space between the wall and the shelf until I felt an edge of the long, thin box that I had not touched since the day Jayde gave it to me. The first week I lived here, she had presented it as a gift after I asked for permission to hike some of the trails on my own. 

I pulled the sleek box out and flipped it open with a snap. Inside, the silver knife that belonged to a dead hunter remained pristine in its sheath. Untouched. Awaiting a purpose I hoped would never come. 

Not a single bone in my body ever intended to use this knife. Honestly, I had been more than a little horrified when Jayde gave me a weapon capable of hurting her so badly. I didn’t want to own anything silver. However, she had been adamant about the knife keeping me safe from any wolves that might get the wrong idea or ones unable to control their urges. I told her I would carry it with me whenever I went out on my own, but I was convinced I didn’t need it. After a few trails had been marked for my safety – as well as any other humans that visited the Lodge –, everyone knew where they needed to go on the property. That should be good enough. 

I sighed and attached the weapon to my belt. It felt wrong. 

With how massive the perimeter is, I studied Jayde's map of the property marked with patrol routes. I didn’t have a lot of daylight left, so I made a guess on where to start and hurried off. 

The entire forest felt calmer than usual as I navigated the twists and turns carved out into the earth by both boots and paws. I understood why Jayde came out here to soothe her demons. There really wasn’t any better medicine for a troubled mind than the expansive world of crisp air and lush greenery. For a moment I felt unsure about venturing out here, but I wanted to be certain that she was okay. 

Using some of the tracking skills I picked up from Toby, I eventually spotted a cluster of fresh pawprints in the soft dirt, possibly alluding to a recent patrol. I headed in the direction they went and kept my senses alert for any movement as I entered a restricted section of the property. 

I didn’t really feel afraid in the beginning, though the forest seemed to grow denser around me the deeper I went. It swallowed me like a maw full of gangly teeth. Wind groaned through the branches like a ghostly howl. The thick brush served as perfect camouflage for most of the common coat colors I’d seen on other werewolves. I wouldn’t know if I had a shadow until they wanted me to know. For the very first time, I became unnerved in these woods.  

The pace of my steps slowed significantly to not drown out any potential footfalls that weren’t my own. I didn’t want to prolong my time across boundaries, but I also didn’t want to abandon caution either. With any luck, the only people aware of my presence at all would be the patrol. 

I briefly wondered if I might get into trouble for coming out here. Maybe they had citations for humans that visited the Lodge and violated certain rules. Although, I felt unsure if there even was an official rule since I hadn’t seen any other humans stay on the property. I guess I’ll find out, but any repercussions will be worth it for Jayde.

A snap of a twig made me flinch, my hand immediately flying towards the knife on my hip. After a quick scan of my surroundings, I convinced myself it had been nothing to worry about, and continued on the trail. I shouldn’t let the paranoia and guilt cause my emotions to fluctuate. Jayde mentioned the scents of negative emotions could overwhelm some wolves. 

I must have hiked at least a mile into the woods without many signs of the werewolves I knew roamed around in these parts. Jayde could honestly be on the other side of the property, meaning I not only wasted my time, but I put myself in potential danger for nothing. 

This will definitely put her in a wonderful mood. Great work, Nadya, I thought and rolled my eyes at myself. 

Dusk started to bring darkness. A flashlight rested in the pocket of my backpack, but I wasn’t eager to explore in the night. I made the reluctant decision to turn around and simply hope I’ll run into Jayde on my way back. Maybe she had returned to the Lodge in my absence. 

I only traveled a handful of paces when I suddenly heard a low, guttural growl that seemed to vibrate through the loose earth under my boots to shake my bones. My entire body froze. Invisible fingers of ice tickled at the back of my neck. No way would I be able to reach my knife in time if this wolf chose to attack, but I slowly turned my head to the side to at least calculate my chances of running away. 

A light gray wolf stood with their ears pinned back and their hackles raised as another chilling snarl rumbled out of their chest. But I realized they did not direct the warning at me. No, they faced another wolf.

This rust colored wolf’s gaze kept shifting from the gray wolf to me, and I realized that the gray one stood between us purposefully. They were protecting me. I noted that the yellow eyes of the rust colored wolf twinkled almost hungrily in my direction. Their intentions, while not fully clear, didn’t come off as friendly in the slightest. In fact, I got the impression that I had been stalked for an unknown amount of time. The gray wolf took an aggressive step towards them, hackles raised, and the russet wolf finally backed down. With an indignant shake of their ruff, the mischievous werewolf bounded off and disappeared into the forest. 

A massive sigh of relief allowed me to relax all of my tense muscles. I opened my mouth to thank the gray wolf, but they turned around to fix me with the same displeased glare. Their quiet grumble informed me of their irritation at my presence just as much as words would have. 

“I know, I know,” I admitted sheepishly. “I shouldn’t be out here and I’m really sorry. I was just looking for Jayde.” 

Their icy blue eyes narrowed. This had to be one of her patrol partners. 

I attempted to reason some more. “I know you know that she’s been out here too long. I’m worried about her. She needs to come home now.”

The wolf gave a disgruntled huff, but then tipped their head towards the sky and released a long howl. A couple silent beats passed before answering howls ignited the forest. No matter how many times I heard a werewolf's howl, it was no less entrancing. If I listened closely, I could pick out her beautiful voice from the chorus. I guessed that my protector heard it, too. They nodded at me to follow them and I wasted no time trying to keep up with their quadrupedal form.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I recognize you like this,” I said to break the silence. Not that they could answer me with words, but I could still guess. By their stature and the look in their eyes, I thought I had a decent idea. “Are you Lee?”

An ear flicked back towards me, followed by an affirming grunt.

“It’s a good thing I got it right the first time, huh? This could have been awkward,” I joked.

The silent glare I received was very much not amused. I decided to shut up until he brought me to Jayde.

A little while later, I picked up on the telltale rush of the river that ran all the way down the valley into town. A small clearing opened up by the bank where a group of wolves waited for our arrival. Some of them seemed to enjoy the break from patrolling. A pair were curled up together and playfully nipping at each other's ears. A few lapped at the running water and shook dirt off their coats. One stood guard on top of a large boulder, though they looked rather unbothered in the presence of their company.

Every pair of glowing eyes turned towards me as soon as I set foot in the clearing. I might as well be lit up by a spotlight. It felt like the first time I had to give a presentation in school. Their gazes scrutinized me for interrupting their work and I certainly couldn’t blame them. The best I could do was finish my business quickly and get out of their way. Nerves tightened my throat as I searched the wolfish faces for Jayde. 

Then a familiar large white wolf appeared from the other side of the boulder. She stopped dead in her tracks as soon as she saw me. I offered an apologetic smile. “Hi, Jay.”  

Jayde shook her ruff with a low grumble and approached me with purpose. On all fours, her shoulders were well above my hips. She used the advantage of her height to thoroughly inspect every inch of me. Her golden eyes briefly flashed towards mine when she noted the silver knife. I allowed her to find reassurance in my armed and unscathed state before I explained my unexpected appearance. 

“It’s gonna be dark soon.” I tentatively reached out to run a hand through her coarse fur. The patches behind her ears were always the softest. “Are you coming home?” 

While she didn’t shrug off my touch, she still lightly growled in displeasure. Jayde gently took my sleeve between her teeth and led me away from the clearing. Once we were far enough, she released my shirt and nudged me further ahead with her nose. I noticed that she threw a glance towards Lee, who wordlessly took his place by my side again. No words needed to be spoken for me to understand she was sending me back without her.

I planted my feet. “Hey, wait a second, you’re not coming with me?”   

Jayde motioned up at the setting sun through the trees and shook her head. Patrol doesn’t switch shifts until after sundown. I had a sneaking suspicion that she’d still be out here by then. 

“You promised to be back by noon,” I reminded her. When she wouldn’t look at me, I lifted her chin until the deep amber glow of her eyes met my mundane ones. “I’ve been worried about you all day.” My index finger scratched at the soft fur under her jaw, but she still held her ground. I sighed. “Look, if you really need to stay, then I’ll leave with Lee, but I’d really rather it be you.” 

She hesitated for several seconds, her intense wolfish gaze locked on me. It was always harder for me to tell what went on in her head when she was a wolf, but I held on to the hope that maybe Jayde would give in to her exhaustion. My silent wish turned into reality as soon as her ears finally folded back. She nuzzled into my hand with a low whine and I placed a kiss on her forehead with a smile, which made her tail tuck in. 

Such a puppy sometimes.

“Let’s go,” I said, fondly brushing my fingers across her snout. Then I turned to the gray wolf. “Thank you, Lee. I’m really sorry again.”

He gave me a single nod in acknowledgement and returned to the others. A better reaction than I thought I’d get. 

Our trek back to the Lodge went by slowly. Whatever facade Jayde had put on for the others to hide her exhaustion crumbled once it became just the two of us. Her pace was sluggish and her head hung low. She even stumbled on a root. To help her conserve what little energy she had, I remained fairly quiet. Not that we could have made much conversation anyway. All I wanted was to get her home and in bed. Surely the long, undisturbed rest she’s been needing will finally come. 

The lights from the Lodge in the distance served as a beacon once the sun had fallen too low to offer me any useful light. Jayde may be by my side, but I still looked over my shoulder every now and then for the shadow I had earlier. That wolf must be long gone, but it still unnerved me that they had followed my trail for an unknown amount of time before Lee shooed them off. 

Before long, the warm embrace of our room filled us both with relief. I shut the door behind us and headed for the bathroom. “I’ll meet you in the shower,” I told Jayde just as she started to shift back. 

I let hot water wash away all the grime and soothe my muscles from my impromptu hike. It felt so good that I simply stood under the showerhead and closed my eyes for what had to be minutes. Only when I felt a familiar presence enter the shower behind me did I open them and turn around.

Jayde looked even more worn out in her human form. Dark circles hung under her half lidded eyes. Her usually straight posture slumped like her head weighed three times more than it did. I noted a slight wobble in her legs from running around all day. Not a single regret plagued me. She’d definitely still be out there pushing herself to the bone if I hadn’t gone for her. 

“You could’ve gotten hurt,” she scolded before I got the chance to say anything. Even her voice sounded heavy. 

I smiled warmly and reached out to cup the back of her neck. Jayde was too tired to protest the shower-drenched kiss I pressed to her lips. I felt some life breathe back into her when I gave her mouth a few light strokes with my own. She parted her lips and swayed into me, her hands landing on my hips to find balance. 

“Get under the water,” I softly instructed. “Let me wash you.” 

Jayde found her resolve for a moment after we broke apart. “I’m serious. Don’t do that again.” 

I switched our positions and pushed her hair back as the steaming water flowed over her body. Then I kissed her again with the intent to subdue her worries as well as my own. Her muscles went slack and her lips followed mine when I pulled away. “It was a one time thing, I promise.”

She released a sigh of relief and rested her forehead against mine. “Okay. I’m sorry I worried you.” 

“You’re home now,” I murmured. 

Jayde’s lips delicately caressed mine once more. “I am.”

I took it upon myself to methodically clean most of her body. I started with her hair, massaging shampoo and then conditioner into her scalp. Her eyes remained blissfully closed for the entire thing like she was at a spa. I held back laughter. Then she rested her head on my shoulder, practically melting against me as I dragged a washcloth up and down her back. A part of me thought I should have drawn a bath. 

“Did Lee spook you?” she mumbled into my skin. 

“What do you mean?”

A quiet hum echoed off the tiles. “You were afraid earlier. I could sense it.” 

“Oh.” At first I wasn’t sure if I should tell her about the other wolf, but I knew she’d hear it from Lee if she didn’t hear it from me. “No, there was someone else out there. They got a bit too close, but Lee sent them on their way.” 

That made her lift her head up to frown at me. “Were they stalking you?”

The worried furrow in her brow needed to go away, so I lied. “No, I’m pretty sure we just stumbled across each other’s paths. They blended in really well with the forest.”

My words seemed to appease her for now. That or she didn’t have the energy while I was safe in her presence. Jayde relaxed back into my arms. “Alright. I’m glad you had your knife. Especially considering it’s been behind the bookshelf since I gave it to you.”

Of course she's known this whole time.

“I hate that thing,” I admitted. 

“Take it with you more. Even on the safer trails.” 

“Jay –”

“For me, Nadya,” she quietly pleaded.   

“Okay,” I agreed. To lighten the mood, I went for a different subject. “Are you gonna be up for some dinner after we get out?”

“Honestly, I just wanna sleep for a week.” 

“That’s about how much you need to catch up on.”

“I fucking feel it,” she groaned. 

I kissed the side of her head. “Let’s finish up, then.” 

Once we were both clean, I took Jayde’s hand and led her out of the shower. She looked about ready to pass out at any given second. Getting dressed seemed to be too strenuous a task for her tonight, so I picked out some comfortable clothes and helped her into them. Only then did I start to feel the toll on my own body. While I had gotten more sleep than Jayde, I still missed a full uninterrupted night’s rest for several days in a row. It might be considered a bit too early to turn in for the night, but neither of us cared. 

With one of Jayde’s flannels comfortably on my shoulders and the softest pair of shorts I owned on my hips, I jumped into bed and let myself sink into the mattress. “This is what dreams are made of.” 

Jayde managed to chuckle at my dramatics. “You are way too tempting.”

I glanced over to see her standing at the edge of the bed, eyes tracing my bare legs. Desire won out and she delicately brushed my thigh with the back of her fingers, bringing forth a wave of goosebumps along my skin. A knowing smirk tugged at the corners of my mouth. “Come here.”

At the sound of my beckoning voice, Jayde carefully crawled on top of me. Her lips landed on mine with a passionate, yet lazy cadence. The sensations calmed everything from my heart to the air that left my lungs, making time itself seem to slow down around us.

Our legs became as entwined as our shared sighs of tranquility. Jayde could smell emotions. I wondered if she could taste them, too, because nothing felt more reverent than her clipped breath passing through my parted lips. Or the way the silky heat of her tongue graced mine. 

Her mouth traveled to my neck where she placed a few wet kisses that were more chaste than I expected. I felt the bridge of her nose nuzzle just underneath my ear as she whispered, “I just want to fall asleep with you.” 

I played with her hair, curling the damp blonde strands around my fingers. “Then close your eyes.” 

“What if I just have more bad dreams?” 

“You won’t,” I said confidently. “They’re done with you for now.” 

“How do you know?”

“Because I said so.” 

Jayde’s soft chuckle tickled my skin. She kissed my pulsepoint one more time and pushed herself up. Curiosity made me blink as she reached over to my nightstand and grabbed my glasses. A laugh pushed out of my lungs as she placed them on me with intent and gave me a playful peck. “Will you read to me, my love?”

I wanted to make a joke asking if this is how we get freaky in bed, but the tired and adorably expectant look on her face caused me to focus on nothing else besides her earnest request. I retrieved my current novel from the nightstand. “Of course.” 

Jayde happily nestled down against me. With a long-winded sigh, her body completely melted on top of mine like a warm weighted blanket. I opened the book and propped it up on the back of her shoulders. As soon as I started to read aloud, I felt her relax even more. She found a spot in the crook of my neck to rest her lips until her measured breaths evened out to the steady rhythm of sleep. I still read on for quite a while, knowing the vibration of my voice would keep the nightmares away.

[just-a-queer-fanboy]

I don't think enough people know I have a secret super villain past

And by that I mean I went through the "cringe comp anti woke exclusionist centrist teenage boy" phase really early on. I was a huge truscum, aggressively anti self dx, anti xenogender, pretty much any label you could slap on me, and honestly, at the beginning of the pandemic, I was kind of racist, too.

I'd make jokes making fun of minorities, even ones I was a part of. I refused to believe I was trans because my dysphoria wasn't "bad enough" to be real, and so that meant I wasn't a real boy (Pinocchio moment). I would actively bully random people online, claiming they were faking disorders when all they did was be cringe and say they had a disorder. And that all kept piling up until about 3 or 4 years ago now that I had my first major depressive episode. I researched depression for MONTHS before asking to see a doctor or even let my family know something was wrong. And I turned out to be right, I do have clinical depression. Who would've guessed that was the cause of my self hatred and constant crying? Shocker! /s

Since then, I started actually listening to calm and nuanced takes on things. Most "arguments" against certain people I saw were just mocking them for being weird and claiming that was proof they were faking it for attention. I started reading about opposite perspectives and considering what actually supported each side, rather than just memes making fun of the other side.

And I've noticed since then, I've actually been able to understand different people more, and been able to debate way better and point out logical fallacies. Plus, I've just generally had a will to live again, despite everything being objectively worse.

Anyway, that's my redemption arc for this decade. Making fun of the other side of the debate gets you nowhere. I've been rambling for like 20 minutes dear god. Also yeah, I did change that much in 2ish years, I hit a really massive growth spurt back then and I guess it also applies mentally

[catsvrsdogscatswin]

Higurashi Month 2023, Day 12: Embarrassment

"Muu…" Satoshi hummed gently. "I think it's cute."

Shion's face did a remarkable impression of a tomato.

"Sh-shut up. Shut up forever!" she exclaimed, grabbing him by the front of his shirt and shaking. Not hard, not even really enough to make his head wobble, but firmly enough that –she hoped!– she got her point across.

Do not speak of this.

Satoshi blinked those guileless wine-colored eyes of his.

"But plenty of people keep diaries, Shion-"

He went cross-eyed as she desperately covered his mouth with one hand.

"Nnnn. No. No, no, no." Shion ground out, her face heating up further.

It was true, yes, that plenty of people kept diaries. They were sold in bookstores for a reason, after all. But this- but what Shion had thought in those bitter days when Satoshi-kun was gone and the only consolation she had was spilling out her twisted feelings in a tangling flood of black ink- what she had scrawled across those pages in the lighter, giddier days after she'd learned what was at the clinic-

He couldn't see that.

Nobody was allowed to see that. Shion didn't know why she hadn't burned that tattered spiral notebook already, except maybe that she wanted to treasure all her memories of Satoshi-kun, no matter how painful. Even those heartaching, soul-rending times when she truly thought he was dead and curled over herself in blank despair, sobbing at the way the ground had dropped out of her world; she had still remembered him then, and like a sting of alcohol taste lingering on her tongue, Shion couldn't help but chase after it and savor it –no matter how bitter it was.

So yes, she had kept the battered little notebook that had served as her journal, and like a fool, had left it in her bag out of her habit when she'd gone to see Satoshi-kun on her second-to-last visit.

She'd forgotten her bag.

He'd read her diary.

"You saw nothing." Shion insisted, his thin lips still pursed into a nonplussed "O" under her palm as Satoshi-kun blinked at her over her hand. "You read nothing, you saw nothing, there is nothing."

"Mrbl-" Satoshi-kun tried, and she shook her head wildly, pressing her hand harder over his mouth.

"No. Nononono. This did not happen. You did not pick up my diary and read it. Okay? Th-there's nothing important in there anyway."

Satoshi-kun managed to look offended as she slowly withdrew her hand.

"Of course it's important." he said. "It's your thoughts, Shion, those are obviously -mphf!"

The noise Shion made as she slapped her hand over his mouth again was a strangled, dying squeal, her face redder than ever.

"Sh-shut up!"

He couldn't just say those things.

[spookyrobbins]

agree 100% with everything you said. callie deciding to go to nyc with penny was such a slap in the face for arizona. while i think callie actually went because she couldn’t have another failed relationship after telling everyone how happy she was, it was still shitty of her tbh. she was in love with arizona and wanted a family with her but that wasn’t enough for her to support and follow arizona in the end. and mark was absolutely no help because he was selfish and didn’t want callie to leave him anyways.

thoughts on people who argue that penny’s grant was only for a year but africa was for three? that africa was harder because arizona was asking her to leave her friends. should that make a difference here?

okay let's just do a quick comparison of africa vs nyc:

africa:

3 years in a foreign country

she and arizona had been together over a year, mutually said i love you, had moved in together/made concrete plans to move in together

both callie and arizona were 1-2 years out of their residency/fellowship

both were in their early-mid 30s at this point

beyond friendships/working relationships, no actual ties in seattle - ie family, property, etc

clear partnership with seattle grace, which presumably meant they would keep their jobs upon return

end date with intent to return

callie would naturally be a bit of a tag a long since it's arizona's grant/clinic but callie's skills as an ortho would likely be in demand

callie spoke about how working for the peace corps is what inspired her to be a doctor so it's not as if she's unused to this type of work

nyc:

1 year in another state

she and penny had been together less than a year, penny said i love you and callie said thank you, i don't think? they were living together at this point

callie was head of department/a board member, penny was a resident

callie is in her early 40s, penny is in her late 20s/early 30s

callie has major ties in seattle - sofia, strong network, investment in the hospital, presumably she owns her house/apartment (i can't remember what her exact living situation was)

penny has no ties to seattle, which is to be expected of a resident

the grant likely is designed to entice candidates like penny to remain in nyc, thus lacks an end date

callie again would be a bit of a tag a long, but would not be reliant on penny for work

she would be taking professional demotions and likely would have to work far more in nyc than seattle to prove herself

i think what a lot of it boils down to is the set period of time and how much more free callie and arizona were in s7 to move. they had that chance bc they didn't have any like concrete ties in seattle, while s12 callie had major, significant ties and it doesn't just impact callie. it impacts sofia, arizona, the other board members, etc.

[luxeavenger]

hi!! adhd nonnie here, thank you so much for what you said it made me feel a lot better 🫶🏼

for the seasonal depression thing, we talked about it VERY briefly and I don’t really think it’s an issue (nor did she) past like, ya know normal (for me) fluctuation depression. I also live in an area where it’s already rainy and cold, and then during winter it gets dark at like. 4. so I don’t feel as if it’s really affecting me past like, normal levels? If that makes sense? also I’m in college, so everyone around me is kinda sad and anxious cause finals and what not

but yeah a diagnosis isn’t even necessarily what I need, like yeah it would be great, and it makes the most sense from what I’ve read, but in regards to medication it’s not even something that I think I need or even want. Even if I don’t have adhd, it would be nice to hear like “hey I don’t think you have this but clearly something is up, so here are some options to make it better”

idk it was all just a mess and the dr had a look on her face of like pity like “damn this girl really thought she had adhd because she’s having a little trouble focusing”

anyway, on top of that the after visit summary notes was like “she does blah, she does this, she doesn’t do this, she she she she” (I use all pronouns, but don’t really like an excessive use of she unless it’s by people I know) which like, it’s not like the dr knew or anything but it was kinda a slap in the face after the whole meeting went terrible

I’m on break rn and when I get back I’ll talk to my friend about the clinic, maybe I’ll have better luck there where someone will actually listen to me 🤠 also I’ll keep in mind the nurse practitioner! I’ve heard some good things about them

anyway sorry for ranting again, I hope I’m not too annoying. i hope you’re having a good time, I hope the holidays are treating you well 🫶🏼 omg also your pipsqueak fic I love it so much I’m gonna reread it tonight

bby don’t apologize for ranting. sometimes you just gotta. sorry it took me so long to answer. the holidays are always bad for my mental health and this one was no different

you’ve got plenty of reason to be sad/upset/confused/mad. tbh that doctor really shouldn’t be practicing medicine with a piss-poor attitude like that. idk, she may be perfectly competent, but her bedside manner blows chunks

i’m excited for you to go to this specialty clinic. because, like you said, there’s clearly *something* going on here. so it’d be really nice to have someone on your side that cares enough about you to stick with you and suss it out

at the very least it’d be nice to for you to see someone who can respect your pronouns

i would for sure let whoever you see about this next/in the future know what you’ve experienced with this doctor, and what you expect from the new doctor. that way there’s zero chance for miscommunication

bad experiences suck. HARD. but you learn from them. so it’s important to take everything you learned from THIS bad experience, and use it to help you take control of the next experience

you deserve someone who will care for you with kindness and compassion

i hope you’re well nonnie. and i hope the holidays were kind to you. i’m sending you love and lots of gentle hugs 💜💜💜

[justkeepdancing-nemo]

The First Day of the Rest of Your Life || The Baes

Summary: Nemo hears back from Pride U and the Bournemouth Arts! Takes place... idk honestly whenever this should happen i suppose lmfao. Sometime in May for our purposes??? Sure. 

@baenxietydad

NEMO: 

Today was the day. 

Today, he’d find out if he got into Bournemouth and if he got into Pride U. At least, that’s what the programs had said, but he was terrified anyway, already anticipating something going wrong. Even though his auditions had been really boring– as in, no one pointed at him and yelled “He doesn’t belong here!”-- Nemo knew there was still time. Time for disaster. Time to give up. 

But right now, there was only time to fret. Nemo sat at the table, refreshing his email on his phone over and over. He stared at the screen. He didn’t even dare blink, until his eyes got all burny and then he really had to. 

‘Course Nemo had never been the patient sort. So after a while, he groaned really loudly and slapped his phone down, then buried his head against his arms.

A few minutes later, as Nemo squirmed, peeked at his phone, and then went back to burying his face, he heard the door open. 

“Appaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,” Nemo moaned. “Look at my phone. Are there any emails yet?” 

MARLIN:

Mu-yeol had only managed a nap between closing at Pixie’s and  having a morning shift at the Hollow clinic, so his usual instinct to poke fun at his son for being impatient gave way to just reaching for his phone and going straight to the email app.

Oh, oh, jingles, fuck!

“Um. There’s two. One from Bournemouth and one from Pride U.”

He had a feeling they were both acceptances, and that they were in for a lengthy discussion about which to pick.

This whole last year had been bittersweet. He was so proud of his son, and how he’d grown up to be, but there was the constant looming reminder he’d have an empty nest soon. His whole world was going to go off and have a life all his own, like every child grows up to do, just like he had. 

There was also, of course, his forever empty right hand, something he’d grown accustomed to but never did fully heal over. He should have someone to cry about Nam-min growing up too fast with, he should have his So-yeon’s musical laughter in his ear telling him that they raised him well and he’ll be just fine. Nemo should have his mother, his uni educated mother, his Dr. So-yeon Song, climate scientist mother, to guide him through this. Instead he only had his father, who only had a second grade formal education, who wasn’t very intelligent despite what Nemo always said about his ‘super smart Appa’, to try and Google their way through all of this. He was lacking in so many areas for his son. So was So-yeon, when she was alive. She loved their son, and was excited to welcome their daughter later on in the year she died, but she was not the caregiver mothers were expected to be. That was always going to be him. They complemented each other well. Her death meant he had to be both of them for his son when he lacked what So-yeon brought to their marriage, their partnership, and their son’s life, when much of himself had been destroyed that day too.

It was a cruel irony, to miss So-yeon the most the year that his mental health was finally at its best.  Or, perhaps miss wasn’t quite the right word. Mu-yeol didn’t miss her the way he did when he was comforting their son alone after being bullied. He needed her and the expertise she could’ve provided this year, in the way he might need a pilot to fly a plane.

“Do you…want me to read them for you?”

NEMO: Wait– both of them??????????????????????????? 

Nemo’s heart shook in his chest, like he’d just been hit by lightning. He bolted up from the table. But instead of fast-flying to Appa and snatching his phone, he backed up slowly, like the phone might turn into lightning too and zap him once for good measure. 

Two rejections. Or two acceptances. Or one rejection, one acceptance. No matter what, his future was in that stupid little electronic device. 

He gulped. 

It wasn’t his nature to be like this– to hesitate. So when Appa looked up at him, confused, Nemo just flushed and gaped a little like a fish. “I– I dunno! No! Maybe! Agh.” He rubbed at his cheek and then nibbled at his thumbnail while he gathered all his scrambled thoughts. 

“Do– do um– actually, I dunno, which one first, Appa? Pride U or Bournemouth? Pride U, right? I probably got in there or– oh no, maybe we save that one then, so when Bournemouth rejects me, it’ll be the silver lining! Right?” 

MARLIN:

Daebak, this kid was losing it, and as the authority on Losing It, he felt confident in his diagnosis. 

“How about I just read them both but not out loud and I tell you where you got in?” Mu-yeol suggested. “Then you can read what they say at length.”

Sure, maybe Nemo was “supposed” to read them first, but at this rate they’d be here all night debating whether or not to open two emails. Ah, anxiety. Nemo got that from him. 

“Though, judging by the headline of both of these emails…do rejection letters start with congratulations?”

NEMO: 

Nemo was about to yell WAIT at Appa because– maybe he’d changed his mind after all and maybe he did want to be the one to read both emails. But he didn’t get that far. Because the next words out of Appa’s mouth changed everything.

The shock and stress on Nemo’s face was blown clean off. He became blank-faced, wide-eyed. He blinked nice and slow. Appa looked up at him and for a few flits, their house was completely quiet. 

“What?” Nemo finally said.

Then he’d wing-sprinted to Appa’s side in less than a heartbeat. He snatched the phone from Appa’s hands. He wouldn't believe it until he saw it for himself. After all, Appa had a sense of humour– not always a good one– plus he always believed Nemo could do no wrong so…

But there it was! Two emails! Congratulations–

“I got into both?!” Nemo exclaimed in disbelief. “To both of them? Really??” He clicked on the Bournemouth email, certain that it would have a GOTCHA in the text. But it didn’t. He breathed out a bewildered laugh and then thrust the phone back at Appa’s face. “Appa, I really got in! Look, look!” 

MARLIN:

“I told you! I knew you’d get in!” Mu-yeol said, pulling Nemo into a big hug. “I’m so proud of you, Nam-minnie, you did that all by yourself.”

He kissed the top of his head and loosened his grip on his son, about to let go but finding himself unable to. Mu-yeol’s arm rested around Nemo’s shoulders and he took Nemo’s phone to read the acceptance letters in full. 

“I can’t wait to tell your grandparents and my siblings, they’ll be so happy for you.”

NEMO: 

Appa squished him against his chest, making Nemo squeak as the air popped out of his lungs. But he didn’t care. Honestly, his brain was still swirling around, caught up in this tornado of news and what it might mean– 

He was going to uni. 

It wasn’t just a thought in his head, or a joke that he made, or a thing that he wondered about out loud to his friends. He was actually going to go to uni… he didn’t know where but! He was gonna be in dance classes! He’d have projects! He’d have assessments! And more recitals!

The excitement quickly blew over any terror, because that was Nemo’s default wasn’t it? He’d been born a happy seedling. Joy came to him as easily as the sun rose in the morning.

“Wait, wait, wait, let me read all of the email!” Nemo laughed and grabbed the phone back from Appa. They sort of wrestled with it, until they had both squished shoulder to shoulder, pouring over one then the other. 

“Daebak!” Nemo gasped as he read through the Pride U one first. Because the third paragraph began like this: 

Additionally, you have been selected as a Merlin Magick Fellow based on your essay, interview, and recommendations…

“APPA! APPA! My tuition is waived!” Nemo basically shouted in Appa’s ear.

MARLIN:

“Waived? Omo. How much? Just the international fees or more?” Mu-yeol asked, trying to make sense of the email, but in his excitement it all just looked like word salad. 

He doubted Nemo meant free but…but anything lower than full price helped!

“Does it say what your tuition will be?”

NEMO: 

“No, Appa,” said Nemo, still with a wide grin on his face. “Waived as in nothing! As in I don’t have to pay any tuition at all!” 

It did seem kind of unbelievable. Nemo had applied for the scholarship cuz, duh– he’d applied to basically every scholarship that Pride U offered. But he didn’t think he’d become a fellow. It felt too official for him, for students smarter than him. How did he even have the grades for it?? Then again, Olaf had become one and he hadn’t had any grades to submit at all so…

Nemo beamed. “This means if I live at home, Pride U will be basically nothing! I mean, like, books I guess? Maybe fees like that, but almost free!” Nemo fluttered up happily and twirled in the air. 

MARLIN:

“What!?” He practically shouted, as if he didn’t believe Nemo. 

Part of him didn’t. It was too good to be true. The Baes didn’t get this lucky, ever. Life was hard for them as a general rule. Things like this fell into other people’s laps, not theirs. 

“Oh my god. Oh my god, Nemo. Nemo, I could work less and afford just books and fees, even an allowance of extra spending money.” Books weren’t cheap but he’d been saving so much money, he suspected he had the supplies cost on hand. 

“Without tuition that’s…well, if you chose Pride U of course.”

NEMO: 

Right. If he picked Pride U–

But didn’t he sort of have to? He’d been so stressed about affording uni, but Pride U had swept that all away. He could stay at the Hollow, commute to his classes, and make things so much easier on his poor Appa. After so so long of– costing him so much money. Picking Pride U meant giving back. 

“Well, it makes the most sense, doesn’t it?” said Nemo. Now he didn’t even have to look at Bournemouth. (Or, he didn’t want to look at Bournemouth. He was spinning high on this good news. Why ruin it? Why disappoint himself, or get his hopes up, either way?) “This is definitely the cheapest way, cuz I can just stay at home! I’ll go to Pride U, no brainer!” 

MARLIN:

“Don’t say have to, you still have a choice.” Mu-yeol said, playing with Nemo’s hair. “I can come up with the money if you want to go to Bournemouth. If that is what you want, I support it. Moving outside of your hometown is an important step to make in life.”

And uni was a semi-controlled way to do that. 

“But if you’re set on Pride U, that’s great. You can stay at home just like secondary school, and all that money I’ve saved will be for you to live on after uni. You know, when you’re traveling to London, New York, and LA for dance auditions.”

NEMO: Nemo was pretty sure he’d go to Pride U. But– Appa was right. Moving was an important step in life. Nemo was terrified of that step, but when he’d imagined Pride U, he had sort of thought… much like how Finn and Louie had been on campus, though they could have stayed home…

He thought it would be fun. To be in the dorms. Like a sleepover every night! He’d make new friends! 

But that would make the cost raise all over again. 

“Uh, right! Right, exactly. I mean, I’ll look at Bournemouth.” Nemo took his phone and clicked over to the Bournemouth email next. He scanned the email…

“Oh, I got financial aid too!” Nemo sounded surprised. Pride U, he expected something, considering his fairy status; they were the kindest to magicks. He scrolled down to look at the full package. “Wow, it covers a lot of it too. But– still more than Pride U,” he said, but he smiled a little. 

It just felt nice that a school would give him money, not just because he was a fairy. It was because of his dance. 

Oh, yeah, and cuz he was poor as rot, still, lol. 

MARLIN:

Marlin nodded as he read the email from Bournemouth. Still pricey, but doable. He could make it happen. If indeed that’s what Nemo wanted. 

“I could manage that cost.” Mu-yeol insisted. He could! It wouldn’t be easy, no, but he could do it. It wasn’t out of the question. “So don’t let money be your deciding factor. As far as uni goes? Bournemouth’s cost isn’t bad. Free, or doable, those are the options.”

“So it really comes down to what you want as far as…leaving home. Now? Or stay in Swynlake through uni.”

NEMO: 

How could Nemo not let cost be the deciding factor??

If he went to Pride U and stayed in the dorms, it would be more equal to Bournemouth, but probably still cheaper. If he were to be extremely objective, Bournemouth was the better dance school. Its professors were well-known with connections to companies throughout England. Pride U, meanwhile, was isolated. 

But Pride U had things that Bournemouth didn’t, beyond dance: his friends, for one. Ashlee, Nemo thought, his heart soaring at the thought of dancing with her again. And Robbie. Nemo’s heart did an extra twirl. 

He shouldn’t decide based on friends any more than he should decide based on cost, right? 

“I– I mean,” Nemo shrugged a little. He looked back down at his phone briefly. “I guess I can think about it for a little bit.” 

Maybe then Appa wouldn’t think he was deciding based on cost… 

But he wasn’t! Or he was? Nemo didn’t know. Thinking might be good for him too. 

MARLIN:

Good. He would admit that, selfishly, he hopes his son chose Pride U and stayed home, with him. Safe, close by. But this was part of being a better father for Nam-min, wasn’t it? Letting him go if he wanted. Encouraging him to give going away a fair shot. He wouldn’t be following through on everything from therapy and the listening talent fairy if he didn’t at least remind Nemo that the other option was there and possible. 

Even if it terrified him. 

“I think. You should think about your future in dance and which one will most benefit your career. This is, really, your first adult decision.”

NEMO: Adult decision.

Welp, that made it all the more terrifying. 

But Nemo couldn’t let Appa see he was scared. Because he was 18 now– fully bloomed, like fairies said. He had to think about the seedling he’d been, who twirled excitedly around this very room and watched Youtube videos when Appa had to take him to work. That kid hadn’t known what it meant to be a dancer. He’d simply loved it, the way children loved sweet things and their parents. 

The core of that love was still the same, but if he was going to pay money to keep studying dance, then dance needed to take care of him too. At least… enough so he could feed himself, right? He couldn’t rely on Appa forever. He wouldn’t rely on Appa forever. 

“Yeah, I will. I’ll– I’ll talk to Ashlee, probably,” he mentioned. Technically, Ashlee wasn’t talking to him. He wasn’t talking to her. They weren’t…friends.

But maybe that would change. 

He gave Appa another hug, though. “Thanks Appa,” he said as he squished him tight. “For everything. I would’ve never even thought about this if you weren’t the best dad ever.”