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fortruthseekers · 3 years

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REFRESHER ON MY INSIDER SOURCES: BTW, this is Purv aka @p-redux. This is my original Tumblr blog I’ve revived to archive past source info.

In 2014, I first posted my insider source info. I didn’t have a Tumblr blog, so I posted everything on my old Twitter account, all the details the sources gave me then. The fandom, especially shippers, went into an uproar because my source info sunk the ship. The SamCait ship had barely started sailing and I sunk it before it had made it out into open sea. Shippers have never forgiven me for that. Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

Throughout the years, I’ve reiterated my source info, but summarized it because most people had already heard it, and I didn’t see a need to keep rehashing it. The more time past, the more it became clear Sam and Cait weren’t a couple, and that the info I had shared with the fandom AHEAD of time was true. Cait was seen with Tony a lot. And Sam was seen with different girlfriends or dates. But since I’m turning this account @fortruthseekers into an archive account, I’m going to post the original source DETAILS again, for newbies. This post is going to be LONG, very long, because I go into detail. Read it if you need a refresher on what I said previously about sources, or if you’ve never read the source details before. Click on Keep Reading to find the rest.

Okay, so about sources. REAL sources. I live in Los Angeles and used to be in the industry many years ago. As a result, I still know people in the industry. And just by living in L.A., you meet people who know celebs. In 2014, I got who I call “my original industry source” through a friend who knew I was watching Outlander. And she thought it would be cool for me to talk to this industry person who had Outlander connections. My friend put me in touch with her so we could talk about our common interest. Initially, me talking to the source was just to schmooze about insider info, I wasn’t planning to make it public or create a celebrity insider info account. But I was surprised about how much she knew. At the time many people, including myself, thought Sam and Cait were most likely a couple, when the source told me she knew for sure they weren’t, I was floored. Then after she told me all the details of her interactions with Sam, Cait, and some of the Outlander cast, and the fact that she was friends with one of Cait’s besties, I knew I’d hit a huge source of info.

At first, the source didn’t want me to make the info public, she didn’t want to get in trouble, but she thought it was important that people knew the truth about whether or not Sam and Cait were a couple. She figured if they knew, then people wouldn’t get their hopes up and be disappointed when Sam and Cait became more famous, and would inevitably be seen with other people. As I said, that original industry source is good friends with one of Cait’s female best friends. And because she’s in the industry, she also had a connection to Sam through his talent agency. So, she had insider info on BOTH Cait and Sam. Jackpot.

Because I knew her full identity and knew I was talking to the real person on her real and blue check verified Twitter account, and my friend had introduced me to her, I could trust that her info was legit. She is also Instagram blue check verified and has made a name for herself in the industry. People would be shocked if they knew who she was. SHE is the one who told me 100% Sam and Cait were not dating and that 100% Sam is not gay. At first, she didn’t want me to post things publicly, but I begged and she finally relented, as long I would swear I would keep her identity private and would leave out some identifying details.

So, in 2014, I went public with all the details she told me. And through the years, EVERYTHING she told me turned out to be true. I didn’t have a Tumblr blog at the time, so all my source info was posted on my old Twitter account. I posted every detail of what she told me and I also posted some of her DMs with permission, and name blacked out. Unfortunately, all that is gone because I deleted my old Twitter account a long time ago.

The main points were: Sam and Cait weren’t a couple and never have been. When I said to her that I knew actors were different than regular people, but that when I saw Sam and Cait talking about watching the wedding scene together, while drinking a bottle of wine, that there was no way they didn’t hook up at some point. She said she’s been around a lot of actors and said Sam and Cait are both natural flirts and very touchy-feely people, and she didn’t see anything out of of the ordinary in their interactions–she reminded me their behavior is the norm when promoting a show.

She also said Sam isn’t gay per people she’s talked to who know him. She knew the director of Batman Live, the live show Sam starred in years ago. The director was a gay man, and when she asked him if Sam was gay, since he seemed too good to be true and was so good-looking, he said no. And he said he and other crew who were hoping Sam was gay were disappointed that he was straight. The director told her that the reason Sam didn’t seem to have much of a dating history, was because he had always been focused on his career and on working out. And that because he was traveling with the show, there wasn’t time for a committed relationship. Later, we found out that Sam had indeed been dating a woman named Katie Rebekah, but they broke up because she moved from London to Australia, and Sam started to tour with Batman Live. That’s the info I got in 2014. If Sam was gay, the gay director would have told my source and squeed about it.

This source used to work between New York and Los Angeles. She was in New York for one of her TV shows during the July 2014 premiere of Outlander and hung out with Cait and Cait’s bestie, as well as some of the other OL cast and crew. She also had some business meetings with Sam in NY. She confirmed Sam brought Amy Shiels as his “plus one” to the premiere and even skipped out on an unplanned event the cast was invited to because he “had a date.” When they saw him the next day and asked him how his date went, source said Sam replied “It was great!” Even though this source got info from Cait’s bestie…the bestie kept quiet about Cait and Tony, and simply said that Cait and Sam weren’t a couple….I found out about Tony from someone else...more on that later.

This source did share some info about what Cait thought about Sam. She said that Cait cared about Sam as a costar and friend, and they got along very well. But Cait said Sam was not her type, that Cait didn’t date actors, and that Cait referred to Sam as “a bro,” and that Cait was not into guys who spent so much time in the gym. She said Cait genuinely liked Sam as a person, but there was not more to it. And that Sam was just a big flirt, and that they were both trying to promote Outlander as much as possible because they knew it was their big break.

This is also the source who told me that Cait’s friend, the one the source is friends with, didn’t particularly care for Sam. To be very clear: I don’t feel this way about Sam, Cait doesn’t feel this way about Sam, and my source doesn’t feel this way about Sam. In fact, my source said Sam “was lovely” to her and “a sweetheart.” But one of Cait’s besties, just ONE FRIEND–not plural, the friend said that she thought Sam “could be self-absorbed,” and “douchy.” ONE of Cait’s friends said this. No one else said this. And that was way back in 2014. I’m sure Sam has matured since then, as people tend to do as they get older. BTW Cait has a lot of close friends, some of which aren’t well known to fans. Reiterating: Cait doesn’t feel that way about Sam, the source didn’t feel this way about Sam, and I, Purv, don’t feel this way about Sam, nor have I said anything like that about Sam.

Back to Sam being a natural flirt, remember, even Cait said “he could flirt with a lamppost.” Well, my source said that the times she saw Sam at business meetings, he was always very nice to her and would greet her with a big bear hug, tight enough that she could feel how hard his chest was. He would look down at her, right into her yes, hold her gaze, and smile big at her. And this was a woman he was not interested in romantically. He was just being friendly and sweet. Imagine how high the charm wattage is turned up for a woman he IS interested in. No wonder that Samshine has been hard to resist. This is also the source who said that Sam would always say goodbye to her by saying his now ubiquitous “Let’s get together for a wee dram when you’re in Scotland.” Of course, that “wee dram” never happened. I think that’s just Sam’s people pleasing qualities coming out, never wants to disappoint anyone. The source also said whenever he would text or e-mail her for business related stuff, he was always super enthusiastic and used a lot of exclamation points !!!!!!

Anyway, my original industry source “broke up” with me years ago because she didn’t want to chance anyone finding out who she was, as Outlander got bigger, and as she got bigger in the industry. I still sometimes look at her Twitter and IG all nostalgic, remembering when it all started...ah, memories...

My second major source was my Tony family source. My Tony source is someone from Glasgow who was friends with someone I’d known for awhile. My friend put me in contact with her. The Tony source approached me to tell me that she was shocked to find out a relative of hers (later found out it was her brother) had revealed “the lead actress from that new show Outlander is dating Tony McGill.” She was shocked because she and her family have known Tony and his family for years, all of them growing up in and around Glasgow. Her brother went to school with Tony and his brother, Joe. She then told me the whole backstory of Cait and Tony. She wanted me to keep the info to myself and she had no motivation or intention of making it public. But she finally agreed, after I gave my word that I would protect her identity and I have.

What she shared with me in late 2014 is that her brother found out their friend, Tony was dating Caitriona Balfe. At the time she said they’d been dating for about 9-10 months, that’s why I always put the start of their relationship around March 2014. She was told that by December 2014, the relationship was “dead serious” between them and that Cait had spent Christmas 2014 in London with Tony and his dad. And then Tony had flown to Ireland with Cait to spend New Year’s Eve and New Year’s with her family and friends (we’ve all seen the pic and video on Donal Brophy’s IG). My source said that Cait and Tony had been friends for 9 years or so at the time (again, this was told to me in 2014) and had met years ago when Tony rented out a room to one of Cait’s friends. They hooked up briefly back then and then remained friends, until it turned romantic again around March 2014. The source said that she and her family knew Tony and his family from back in the day, and she told me what school Tony went to in Glasgow (something I haven’t and won’t make public). She said that Tony had moved from Glasgow years ago and had been living in London for awhile (again, this was told to me in 2014). Also, that he and his brother owned a bar/live music place in London, The Library in Islington (they later opened a second one, The Reading Room, which Cait posted from on IG) and a music production company. And that prior to that, Tony was the band manager for some Scottish bands, most notable, The Fratellis. She described Tony as “fun, clever and hysterically funny.”

The Tony source came into the picture after I had my Twitter account up, where I was posting insider info given by my first source. I had already posted that Sam and Cait weren’t dating. This second source is the one that filled in the missing puzzle piece I didn’t know was missing and told me she knew WHO Cait was dating. I would have NEVER known the name Tony McGill associated with Cait if not for this source. He was on no one’s radar. And he wasn’t on social media. This source told me details only an insider would know. And I also had her full identity, so I knew she was legit as well. Then ‘lo and behold Tony started showing up places with Cait. There is NO way I would have known about Tony without this inside family source. No way. Of course after my source told me about him, I did look him up online and there was hardly any information about him. Never in a million years would I have linked Tony McGill with Cait on my own. And I mentioned Tony McGill way before he started showing up places with Cait. How could it be that I said sources told me Tony McGill is dating Cait, and then a man identified as Tony McGill is seen out and about with Cait? The only way I knew about Tony is because the source told me.

Back in the day, when Cait and Tony weren’t yet living together yet, people wondered how they made their relationship work given the sometimes long distances? Well, when they first started dating around March 2014, Cait was filming Outlander Season 1, so Tony would go to Glasgow or Cait would go to London on weekends. Then when Season 1 wrapped and Cait went back to L.A. (where she had been living) in late Sept. 2014, Tony went to L.A. to visit her in October 2014 (both their birthdays are in October, Cait Oct. 4 and Tony Oct. 12, not Oct. 14 like some have said. Libra/Libra bond!). The Fratellis were also in L.A. Oct. 2014 and Tony helped them out with some business stuff, even though he was no longer managing them then. Then, as I’ve already stated, Cait and Tony spent time together Dec. 2014 and January 2015 for the holidays. Then Valentine’s Feb. 2015, Cait flew to London for the opening of Tony’s 2nd bar, The Reading Room. She posted a pic on IG. Then in April 2015, Tony flew to NY to join Cait for the premiere of the second half of Season 1. Eyewitness sources saw him sitting with Cait’s friends at the screening and then with Cait and her friends inside the after party. There was one PUBLIC pic on Twitter of Cait, Tony and Sam. And I and others have been shown private pics of Tony there. Many of us have seen them but we couldn’t make them public because they show the location where they were taken, thus identifying the source who took them, and she would get in trouble with her boss. After that, in May 2015, Cait went back to Glasgow to begin shooting OL Season 2, and this time, she brought her cat, Eddie with her. Per more than one source, Tony pretty much lived in Glasgow after that with Cait. One person who went to Tony’s bars in Glasgow and then reached out to me, said that she had asked about Tony and was told “he doesn’t come around much anymore because he moved back to Scotland.” They then moved into their new place in Glasgow, move out of that one and into a new one in Glasgow, and also have a place in London, and are now married and had their first son. THAT’s how Tony and Cait made it work.

My Tony source also parted ways with me, also due to fear of being found out. She didn’t formally break up with me, the way the original industry source did, she simply ghosted me. But I also see her pop up on Twitter or IG sometimes and get all wistful. Oh well...

After I posted the insider info from BOTH these sources, then people started to contact me with source info. They knew I was Anon and would keep them Anon--win/win. People who went to Hollywood parties, or premieres, or meet and greets, people who saw celebs at the market, or baseball games, or the beach, or at the gym, or walking down the street, or just happened to be at the right place at the right time, started sending me info. From all over the world, wherever Sam and Cait were. And if I could confirm it to be true, I would post it. If I couldn’t completely guarantee it, then I’d say it was speculation. And that’s what I still do. Granted, back in the day, I was somewhat naive, and did get burned and betrayed a few times. I admitted when that happened. I’m much more careful now. But for the most part, the MAJORITY of the info I’ve posted has been ACCURATE. People who have been here for years can corroborate that. I don’t post everything that is shared with me though. And because my sources are actual real humans, they can’t know everything or be everywhere…I don’t always get minute by minute info, that doesn’t mean I don’t have real sources.

As for me also being the first to let the fandom know that Sam was dating Abbie Salt in 2015...I had a couple of Abbie sources. One of them turned out to be super sketchy and once I figured that out, we parted ways. My Abbie sources approached me after I had already established my account as an insider info sharing account. The motivation was to debunk that Cody and Sam were still seeing each other since they no longer were, and Abbie had started seeing Sam.

BTW: as an aside...I was also the one that, through an eyewitness source, told the fandom that Sam and Cody Kennedy had gone to the Matthew Morrison Halloween party in October 2014, and the source had seen them kissing while waiting for the valet to bring their car around. You don’t know the LENGTHS that Extreme Shippers went to to disprove my source. They even Google Earthed the driveway from the street to the valet and measured it trying to prove that my source could not have seen where Sam and Cody were waiting for their car. Hahahah omg. Except, my source wasn’t on the street, she was right next to them. After all the bullshit from ES, it’s a wonder I’m still here, but here I am...the strongest bitch you’ll ever meet. But I digress...

Anyhoo, back to Sam and Abbie. I had no idea Abbie Salt existed or that she had dated Sam before and was friends with him…until my Abbie source contacted me to tell me that Sam was no longer dating Cody Kennedy and had resumed dating Abbie Salt. Abbie met Sam years ago when her sister, actress, Charlotte Salt starred with Sam in “A Princess For Christmas,” they dated briefly then, and then rekindled their romance in early 2015. Cody Kennedy’s mom later confirmed this by posting publicly in response to a fan Sam and Cody had broken up because “Sam went back to his old girlfriend in London.” Abbie lives in London. Again…I was surprised because I had no idea…but all the info checked out and then whadda you know, Abbie started showing up in Glasgow…in Sam’s flat (IG pics since deleted)…in L.A. in February 2015 at the London hotel, West Hollywood seen and photographed by an eyewitness for Oscars Week parties (the pic is of Sam and the fan, taken by Abbie, fan said Abbie was super sweet)... n NY when he was there for the OL premiere April 2015 (she posted on her IG, since deleted the pics), in Miami when he was there (eyewitness and Miami source proof that they were in Miami together, and NO that was not me, it was a source) and in Barbados together (Barbados source confirmation, and NO that was not me, it was a source, and pics from Abbie and Sam Tweeted he had been in Barbados). After that, Abbie was in Glasgow and Sam in London, where Abbie lives, on several occasions…not to mention she was photographed as his date in Monte Carlo for the TV Film Festival. It couldn’t be a coincidence that the Abbie Salt sources told me about AHEAD of time, then started to spend all that time with Sam. I didn’t even know Abbie existed, how would I have ever known anything about her without sources?

I also told the fandom about Mackenzie Mauzy and Sam dating via a source who saw them in person, holding hands and leaving together at a Guns N Roses concert in Los Angeles April 1, 2016. A friend of someone I know in L.A. was there and recognized Sam. He told my friend that he’d seen “that Outlander dude, Sam Heughan holding hands with a blonde, leaving the Guns N Roses concert.” At first, I thought it may have been Cody Kennedy, but afterwards, sources came forth to confirm it was Mackenzie Mauzy. Later on, I was contacted by a different Mackenzie source and given more info, which I posted. That Mackenzie source ghosted me too because Mackenzie was probably asking questions as to who was doling out info. Also, by sheer providence, a fan was in the stands at the Dodgers baseball game in June 2016 and sent me a video of Sam and Mackenzie at the game together. Another source sent me the video of Sam and Mackenzie leaving their hotel together at San Diego Comic Con. I’ll repost all that in the archives. And someone I’ve known for years on Tumblr and trust completely came forward to share that she found out Sam and Mackenzie had broken up from one of Mackenzie’s relatives who live near her. Again, that was also by chance. Life can indeed be stranger than fiction. The relative told her Mackenzie wanted to get married and have kids and Sam wasn’t ready for that yet, so they broke up. That source came forth and identified herself on Tumblr, so that also proves my source info was legit.

In summary: I was the FIRST to let the fandom know Cait and Sam weren’t dating, Cait was dating Tony, and Sam was dating Abbie, and Sam was dating Mackenzie BEFORE anyone else knew. You can’t do ALL of that simply by scouring social media posts as haters would have you think. It’s just not possible. And reasonable people understand that.

Before Covid-19 hit, people who were attending industry events would contact me and say “Hey Purv, I’m going to the PCA, or the TCA, or the GoldenGlobes, or the Outlander Season premiere and after party, I’ll give you the scoop!” I’d say “Cool, thanks! Send pics or video and let me know what and who you see.” That’s it. No social media searches or data mining needed. There is no conspiracy involved. No one is “feeding” me info from Sam or Cait’s camps or non-shipper or shipper sides to propagate a certain “narrative.” It’s just different people, who are at the right place at the right time, or are privy to certain insider info, sharing it with me because they know I post info for fans who are into that. As I’ve said ad infinitum, I am quite simply THE MESSENGER.

Any questions, send me an Ask or a Direct Message on my MAIN account @p-redux Thanks!

#purvarchives #source #sources #realsources #samheughan #caitrionabalfe #p-redux #fortruthseekers #amyshiels #codykennedy #abbiesalt #mackenziemauzy #tonymcgill

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deadlyanddelicate · 4 years

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hey did i ever mention that for a few days back in ye olde 2014, before s10 ever aired, i became briefly deeply obsessed with the idea of demon!dean becoming the new cain and recruiting demon!bela to be his second-in-command aka the new abaddon? i even decided i would write a multichapter fic about it but only ever published two chapters because 1) hyperfixation ran out and 2) i really didn’t think the plot through very hard other than “dean and bela being sexy narrative mirrors again except this time they’re Evil and Doing Crime for fun”. and frankly i think that was a good concept if not very well planned out!! sexier than the actual demon!dean arc we got at least!!

ANYWAY i never finished the fic but more importantly i DID make a playlist for it on 8tracks (because those were the cursed pre-spotify days) and while that playlist is also EXTREMELY 2014 i simply refuse to be embarrassed about it bc it DOES have bangers on it, and it’s, to this day, the only spn playlist i have ever made (yes. an au demon!dean and demon!bela playlist. i don’t know either. life is wild y’all). so i’m bringing it back like a ~blast from the past~ (and YES i even made a poorly edited cover and tracklist. what was i gonna do, simply not make a cd leaflet?! it was 2014.) you’re welcome ✨

it’s 2021 babey and you can listen to the playlist here ✨

(but because spotify is ~too cool~ to list dodgy youtube remixes and i want you to have the FULL cheesy 2014 throwback experience, here is the skorge remix of “sail” and here is the glitch mob remix of “seven nation army” )

and because i was a complete floozy for lyrics even 7 years ago... you can find the extended tracklist with significant lyric snippets under the cut. enjoy besties 💕

1. Feral Love // Chelsea Wolfe

Run from the light Your eyes black like an animal Deep in the water

2. Back In Black // AC/DC

Forget the hearse, ‘cause I’ll never die I got nine lives, cat’s eyes, using every one of them and runnin’ wild 'Cause I’m back, yes I’m back, well I’m back, yes I’m back Well I’m back in black, yes I’m back in black

3. Seven Devils - Florence + The Machine

Holy water cannot help you now A thousand armies couldn’t keep me out I don’t want your money, I don’t want your crown See, I’ve come to burn your kingdom down

4. Lilith // Susanne Sundfør

As you lie across the table you swear and rhyme You lie across the table, you swear and rhyme Thinking that someone might suit your body

5. Sinister Kid // The Black Keys

I’ve got a tortured mind, and my blade is sharp A bad combination in the dark

6. Heaven Knows // The Pretty Reckless

Oh, Lord, Heaven knows we belong way down below Oh, Lord, tell us so, we belong way down below Way down below, way down below

7. Small Pack of Wolves // Ramin Djawadi

(instrumental)

8. You’re Going Down // Sick Puppies

Define your meaning of 'war’ To me it’s what we do when we’re bored I feel the heat comin’ off of the blacktop And it makes me want it more

9. An I For An I // IAMX

Apocalypse and rapture signing in (An eye for an eye) If you’re not with us, you’re against (An eye for an eye)

10. Lose Control // Evanescence

Mary had a lamb, his eyes black as coals If we play very quiet, my lamb, Mary never has to know

11. Hey Man Nice Shot // Filter

Now that the smoke’s gone and the air is all clear Those who were right there got a new kind of fear

12. Sail (Skorge Remix) // Awolnation

Maybe I’m a different breed Maybe I’m not listening (Sail with me into the dark)

13. Addiction // Ramin Djawadi

(instrumental)

14. Animal I Have Become // Three Days Grace

So what if you can see the darkest side of me? No one will ever change this animal I have become

15. My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark // Fall Out Boy

Burn everything you love, then burn the ashes In the end, everything collides My childhood spat back out the monster that you see

16. Problem // Natalia Kills

We're hell raising and we don’t need saving 'Cause there’s no salvation for a bad girl We’re rock bottom but there ain’t no stopping 'Cause they don’t know nothing about love We're hell raising and we don’t need saving 'Cause there’s no salvation for a bad boy We’re rock bottom but there ain’t no stopping 'Cause it’s you and me against the world

17. Smells Like Teen Spirit // Nirvana

Hello, hello, hello - how low? With the lights out it’s less dangerous Here we are now, entertain us

18. Everybody Wants To Rule The World // Lorde

Welcome to your life: there’s no turning back Even while we sleep we will find you Acting on your best behavior Turn your back on Mother Nature

19. Gotham’s Reckoning // Hans Zimmer

(instrumental)

20. Seven Nation Army (The Glitch Mob Remix) // White Stripes

Everyone knows about it From the Queen of England to the hounds of Hell

21. Iron // Woodkid

The sound of iron shocks is stuck in my head The thunder of the drum dictates The rhythm of the falls, the number of deaths

22. Get Lucky // Halestorm

Like the legend of the phoenix All ends with beginnings

23. Bottom Of The River // Delta Rae

The wolves will chase you by the pale moonlight (Drunk and driven by a devil’s hunger) Drive your son like a railroad spike (Into the water, let it pull him under) Don’t you lift him, let him drown alive (The good Lord speaks like a rolling thunder)

24. Counting Bodies Like Sheep To The Rhythm of The War Drums // A Perfect Circle

I’ll be the one to protect you from your enemies and all your demons I’ll be the one to protect you from a will to survive and a voice of reason

25. Animals // Martin Garrix

(instrumental)

26. And The World Was Gone // Snow Ghosts

I wish you’d felt me falling I wish you’d watched over me But I blinked and the world was gone

#i literally have not been on tumblr in days and THIS is what i come back to do #i'd say i'm sorry but i think we all know that would be a lie #spn #dean winchester #bela talbot #demon!dean #demon!bela #playlists #VINTAGE CONTENT ANYONE???#countryboycas #sapphicjo #thank you to jules and erika for enabling me. we went on a JOURNEY today #and by we i mean me and by journey i mean 'dazed stroll down memory lane'#ambra.txt #long post #mp

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ellrond · 4 years

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[1/2] the first part was kinda sappy like me talking about black sails and how flinthamilton made me think of you (i swear birates were the last thing i saw on my dash before i quit) i suddenly was like i wonder what ellie has been up to these days wow i miss the shit outta her yea i miss the tumblr fam thE PEOPLE THAT I USED TO KNO *gets dramatic and cries*

[2/2] yesss precious i remember that meeting you was the hightlight of 2014 aka the last good year just before my motherland was conquered by orcs also back then i was a young bilbo from the hobbit and now i'm more like the rotk bilbo sailing west so idk if tumblr is the right place for old grumpy people anymore?? if so, i'll go back here again coz other social media platforms are stressing me out i have no nerves left xoxo

Ahhhh MISS MAAM the only place for people over 25 now is LinkedIn and I’m 26. IM 26 YOU KNEW ME WHEN I WAS 19 good news is I haven’t grown up at ALL ✌️🥰 AWWW BLACK SAILS honestly I’ve never watched it thru more than once cause it challenges me like my brains and my emotions but the flinthamilton scenes live in my head rent free the queers invented love!!!

Come back 2 tumblr and make more eldong gifs 4 me but Gollum doesn’t have to join us 😌 when u left I hoarded the grumpybilbo url for ages cause I didn’t want anyone using it to pretend to be u for clout anyway tumblr is v different now tolkien fandom real quiet. Hopefully when the Amazon show comes out it’ll get a regeneration!!!!!! Hope you’re well darling sorry abt the political mess that is ur country ✨🌼💖

#anon #ask #iwona #miss maaaaaaaam #oh also I mainly use tumblr for my twilight blog now

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crackademics · 4 years

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dark/light academia series

just a few series i think fit the aesthetic, in no particular order. btw, i don’t like all of them but tastes differ and you might!

penny dreadful (2014): a horror series with 4 seasons as of right now, it has basically every classic story jumbled up into one (ex. dorian gray, frankenstein, dracula, etc. are characters in the show). personally, i don’t like it because it felt like they were just mashing things together and hoping for the best ?? very convoluted.

what we do in the shadows (2019): one of my all time favorites, its a mockumentary that follows 3 vampires basically just going about their night i guess ? but its in modern day new york. i recommend watching the movie (the 2014 one) first, it follows a different set of vampires. a great thing to watch if you want a break from intense shows and just wanna laugh.

picnic at hanging rock (2018): based off the movie that was made in 1975. its about a group of girls in a small boarding school, they go on a picnic and a few of the girls disappear into hanging rock without a trace, it has a very mysterious vibe to it and i would recommend watching the movie too. unfortunately this show is only a season long but they get bonus points for wlw characters! there are so few in dark academia movies/series/books

dracula (2020): the netflix one, its pretty good honestly, i wish it was longer, but its only 3 (very long) episodes. if you already know how the story goes, its basically that, except with a bunch of twists. sister agatha is a wonderful character, i enjoyed every line of dialogue she had.

the order (2019): an absolute shitshow. only watch if you’re incredibly bored, out of options and wanna laugh at very bad acting. it has all the things i hate: forced romance, shitty acting skills, plot holes, confusion, and stereotypical characters. basically, the main character, jack, gets a scholarship to a specific uni so he can try and join a certain secret magic society to avenge the death of his mom. also of course there are werewolves.

jekyll (2007): unfortunately i haven’t watched this one yet but it has good ratings so i’m assuming it isn’t bad?? it’s 1 season long, and it follows the only descendent of mr. jekyll as he tries to protect his wife and children from his dark side. he isn’t aware of an ancient organization that watches his every move.

peaky blinders (2013): so i didn’t watch more than a few episodes of this show but people in the dark academia community have mentioned it a few times, and i thought i’d add it. its 5 seasons long and about a criminal gang set in Birmingham in 1919. it isn’t historically accurate, but its pretty nice to binge watch. it has vintage vibes and a strong plot.

black sails (2014): haven’t watched this one either but its pirates so :D its set in 1715 and centers on the tales of the “most feared and most brilliant” captain flint. the events of this 4 seasons long series are 20 years prior to the events in the classic novel “treasure island”.

hannibal (2013): i had to leave the best for last. this show is everything. pretentiousness? melodrama? melancholy? mystery? murder? classical music? fine cuisine? high class culture? AESTHETIC?? gothic style romance? crime? clever details that i still miss even after rewatching the whole thing 4 times over? tragic ending of a story that was doomed from the start? just,, yes. (ps. this one also has a wlw couple with a child!)

okay i know i’m leaving out so so so many but i can’t think of any others atm :( anyways, enjoy! i can make a part 2 if you liked this

#dark academica #dark academia aesthetic #light academia #light academia aesthetic #academia #academia aesthetic

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scottspack · 4 years

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my wife @got2ghost tagged me to talk about my 10 favorite ships and why!

yall know i LOVE to talk so lessgo!!!!

KIRK/SPOCK - Star Trek: I know this is a very unpopular opinion with some of my mutuals (I apologize Phoenix and Amy) but as someone who grew up watching TOS with my grandma and next gen with my parents, AOS, which came out when I was 13, was MY Star Trek. It was cool and sleek and pine/quinto were hot and at 13 years old I was like This Is Mine Now and have loved it ever since even though I fully recognize what makes it hard to love for classic trekkies! THAT BEING SAID, the reason i love spirk so much (besides the TOS version and the history and love they have) is because AOS spirk was the first pairing that i ever read fic for that was BEAUTIFUL and MOVING and GUT WRENCHING! this was the pairing that made me realize that fic could even be good! that it could not only be good but be AMAZING! even though the AOS movies fumble the spirk bag over and over and over, the things that fic writers have done with these characters and the stories they’ve created around the differences in AOS made a huge impact on me as a young teen and they still have a huge space in my heart!!!!!!!

Sterek- Teen Wolf: there is absolutely a reason that this pairing got so popular so fast and it’s because their dynamic is genuinely so GOOD and funny and there’s so much to work with!!!! Jeff Davis If Not For The Laws Of This Land I Would Have Slaughtered you, etc, etc, BUT regardless of what was done to them in canon, shipping sterek in 2012-2014 was the most fun ive had online in my entire life and i’ll love sterek forever! on this i swear!!!!!! no homo deserves a nobel peace prize!!!!!!!!!

Ruth/Idgie - Fried Green Tomatoes: i think it was phoenix who reblogged something recently about how so much historical gay rep is tragic and sad and doesn’t focus on the reality that gay people have always existed and not every single one of them lived tragic and sad lives. THAT’S WHAT MAKES RUTH/IDGIE SO IMPORTANT TO ME!!!! the importance of historical gay love that was happy! and accepted by their community! and beautiful! and romantic! they fall in love and start a business and raise a child and live in a happy home together! in 1930s alabama! their dynamic in both the book and the movie is unbelievably sweet and hot and i want to cry just thinking about the TENDER LOVE AND CARE!!!!!!!!!!!

Mulder/Scully - The X Files: they’re my parents and i love them! the skeptic/believer dynamic at it’s absolute fucking best! you want to talk about blueprints? mulder/scully is the fucking blueprint. “scully, is this demonstration of boyish agility turning you on?”

Jack/Bitty - omgcp: everyone on tumblr had already moved on by the time i got into omgcp last november, so it feels like im the only one who cares about them anymore but AHHHHHHHHHH i love jack/bitty so much and jack zimmermann in particular (not surprising since spock and lan wangji are two of my other favorite characters, you can see a pattern here) ANYWAYS i think that they are such a fucking good pairing. bitty unconsciously bringing jack out of his shell and making him want to open up and be receptive to love and to be a braver person just by virtue of being apologetically bitty is SO SWEET!! I THINK ABOUT THEM ALL THE TIME!!!!!! read Something Like This by emmagrant01 on ao3!!!!

Destiel - Supernatural: i mean what the fuck do you want me to say. its a man in gay love with an angel. if you’ve followed me for any length of time you’ll know two things: im gay and i love the abstract idea of christian mythology. destiel ticks all of my stupid boxes! one of my fave pastimes is going on ao3 and sorting destiel fics oldest to newest and reading all the really good super early fics when no one knew where the show was going with their angel mythology so fic writers relied on the actual bible and took angels seriously and it was GREAT!

Nick/Jess - New Girl: they’re soulmates from SEASON. ONE. EPISODE. ONE. baybee!!!!!!!! aint nothing else to say!

Flint/Thomas - Black Sails: this is a ship i dont talk about THAT often but is extremely important to me for what it represents. ive written about 500 tag essays about how black sails is important for many reasons, one of which is that it’s a show that believes in gay joy and happy endings for gay people. the fact that flint spent a decade in mourning for thomas, burning down as much of the english empire as he could in retribution for how thomas was treated, killed all of the people who called him a monster for being in love, and then at the end of it all STILL got his happy ending? absolute catharsis. extremely close to my heart.

Larry - One Direction: [explanation redacted]

Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji - The Untamed: new comers and heavy fucking hitters WANGXIAN!!!!!!!! there was no way in hell that i was ever NOT going to be fully in love with them once i started this show. not only are they ancient chinese kirk/spock, but everything else about their dynamic is just so fucking good!!!! childhood enemies to reluctant friends to shy crushes to soulmates in pursuit of justice and Doing The Right Thing to them against the world to one of them dies and the other wears white in mourning for 16 years to one of them is resurrected and the other knows its him immediately to a stronger connection than ever to once again them! against! the! world! to LOVERS to MARRIED to DOMESTIC BLISS AND RAISING THEIR CHILD TOGETHER. its..............a lot! and its so good!

this was super fun and im going to tag @wolfbuddy, @significationary, @curlytemple, and @nicolegendary (nicole i want to hear your essay on the gay alien cw show very badly) if you guys are interested in doing this!!!

#i consulted some very old tags on my blog to see if i was leaving any out #that i might still want to include #and i didnt find any that i wanted to include #but i was reminded how absolutely obsessed i was with the 100/bellarke back in the day #which should be obvious since i even changed my url for a while etc etc #but holy shit that show did me so wrong that ive really purged all memory of it from my brain #i could barely tell you the general plot of that show anymore #and SO much of my old otp tags and stuff were all about bellarke #thats what happens when you get straightbaited huh #the betrayal!

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acid-head-dent · 11 months

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the decisions made for this season have been totally baffling! they essentially retconned olu/jims relationship + added zheng and archie (the latter of which had the characterisation of a shoe), rounding off izzys character arc by killing him (!!!!), Eds arc being an incredible frustrating watch that puts him back where he started in s1, and there's definitely more that i can't think of right now but it's incredibly disappointing

#dont get me wrong s1 had its flaws #but it seems like s2 just got too big?#also small personal gripe taika and rhys have 0 romantic chemistry to me 😭#driest gay kisses known to man #anyway watch black sails (2014)#ofmd #ofmd spoilers #ofmd season 2 spoilers #ofmd season 2

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terminalmontageyt · 5 years

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WOH! Look at those numbers! I knew the channel has been doing well but to see all of our accomplishments in black and white is really humbling. :’)

I always wanted to tell stories.

In middle school, I made comics (on paper) featuring kids in my class and, to my surprise, they really liked them! My comics would get passed around the room and it was fun seeing all their reactions.

In High School, all of the computers had the Macromedia Studio (now owned by Adobe) so I was able to learn how to draw in Flash and continue making comics when I should have been doing my schoolwork. I tried animating here and there, but I was TERRIBLE and I was always disappointed by the end results.

When I graduated High School, my friends and I wanted to go to Full Sail, but my Mother did not want to co-sign $80,000 in student loans (Smart Lady). My friends were disappointed, but I made the decision to go to a local community college to get my AA. During this time, my friend Jeff and I started the webcomic SideQuests with the hopes of turning it into an animated series (sorry for dropping it in the middle of a season finale, oops).

In 2011, I decided to go to Bible College, or “throw my life away” as others put it. :P This came as a shock to people who knew me since I was literally a fedora-wearing-atheist in High School and Bible College was a far step away from animation. I worked at a miserable, soul-sucking call center while I was in school, but after 6 months, I quit to continue SideQuests. My roommates weren’t happy with me, but everything worked out.

In 2012, I still wanted to make animations, but I HATED animating. Then, I had the epiphany that everyone sucks when they start out, but you have to work through the suck. There were other animators out there that clearly needed more experience, but they were creating and publishing their work anyway, so I thought if they could do it, I could too. I wanted to start with videogame parodies until I felt confident enough to work on original ideas, so I made “How I got through Dark Souls” and it found its way to the front page of Reddit Gaming!

I was off to a good start and, in 2013, I started making videos for LORE.

In 2014, I met Butch Hartman at an event hosted by the Bible College. We hit it off, became friends, and a year later, I made an animated commercial for the NOOG NETWORK (my friend Jeff wrote the script). Fortunately, Butch liked it and decided to hire me for other projects.

I learned a lot working with Butch and I have to thank him for being one of the big reasons I am the animator that I am today. We worked together for 3 years before I started the #somethingseries in 2018.

There were times I considered giving up animation, or at least putting it on the back-burner. When Maker Studios was bought by Disney, there were times when I didn’t get paid for months. The amount of freelance projects I’d get were inconsistent. Sometimes I wondered if all the work required of animating was worth the pay - one year, I was thrilled because I found out I was below the poverty line so I didn’t have to pay the health insurance penalty on my taxes. I’d beat myself up by thinking that making cartoons wasn’t a “real job” and I was worried about not being able to provide for my future family.

Vanessa and I were in a long-distance relationship at the time, but I visited her as often as I could. While I was in Florida for her college graduation, I made the decision to dedicate one year to the #somethingseries to see if it would go anywhere. If it didn’t, I was going to apply to animation studios or get a “real” job.

I am thankful to be as blessed as I have been. It’s been a long road and, at times, things seemed bleak, but I have always had my Faith, my family, my friends, and an amazing community to keep me going.

Tl;dr: thanks for watching my stuff!

#terminalmontage #something about #somethingseries #animation #bible college #butch hartman #family #faith #community #friends #youtube #cartoon

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purplesurveys · 5 years

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626

HI BELATED HAPPY NEW YEAR

First things first, did you have a good year? I would say most of it was good. I did most of the stuff I said I was going to do so I’m giving myself pats on the back for that. Things just kinda took a turn for the worse by the end of the year what with an ambiguous end to my most recent semester (I don’t have two of my seven final grades yet because my prof likes seeing her students suffer, I guess) and losing Nacho, so it all balances out.

How old did you turn this year? I turned 21. Which means legality in the US, but I’ve been legal in the Philippines for three years now so it doesn’t warrant much of a celebration lol.

Do you feel your age? I guess. There are days where it’s very tempting to feel inadequate because there are many 21-year-olds in my social circle who have their own business, are grabbing opportunities here and there (they’re in a successful band, are junior radio jocks, hired as emcees, serve as UAAP courtside reporters, to name a few), already make their own money, etc., but I just have to remind myself that everybody is moving at their own pace and that in my case, at least I’m not behind and that I’m moving remarkably fairly for my age.

Did your appearance change in anyway? Nah I BARELY did anything to my look this year. I did not go for a haircut at all in 2019 and now my hair is crazy long. I’m keeping it untrimmed until my grad shoot, so the long hair will stay with me for a while.

Post your favorite selfie. I would but Tumblr doesn’t really work the same way as Twitter where I’d feel more free to share photos of myself haha.

If you traveled, where did you go? My family went to Pangasinan, Bicol, Tagaytay, and Cavite this year. I also took my friends on a day trip to Nasugbu shortly before school started in August as sort of a last hurrah for our summer vacation.

Which fashion trends did you love? Which fashion trends did you hate? I initially liked chunky sneakers until everyone bought their own pair solely so that they’d feel like they’re one of the cool kids – it quickly became uncool after that. I was a fan of mom jeans (still am), high-waisted jeans, culottes, and tops in muted colors and had cute little bows in the chest area. I hated bike shorts and scrunchies, and slowly got tired of off-shoulder tops by the end of the year. I never understood tracksuits and never bought one of my own, and was also never a fan of hype fashion like DBTK shirts.

What was your favorite article of clothing this year? Post a pic if possible? I looooooooved the floral romper and the two-piece ensemble I was both able to snag at Feliz.

What song sums up this year for you? Buwan by juan karlos, the two reasons being that the song exploded in 2019 and because it was Nacho’s favorite and he made a million jokes about it.

What album came out and has been on heavy rotation since then? This question is a little vague so I’ll answer it in two ways. In my case, I definitely played Beyonce’s Homecoming album TOO MUCH last year. But radio-wise, it looked like Ariana Grande and Camila Cabello had stellar years.

What was your favorite movie of the year? I had several favorite movies, but here they are put in order: Portrait of a Lady on Fire, Midsommar, and Toy Story 4.

Did an actor/actress catch your attention for the first time this year? Florence fucking Pugh. Also I just realized how attractive Timothee Chalamet is, although I’ve been aware of him way before 2019 and haven’t watched any of his material.

Favorite new TV show? I watched the first few episodes of Stranger Things but I found it too slow-paced so I let it go easily. Other than that I didn’t really get into any 2019 shows because I’m not a big TV person, but I did recently get into Descendants of the Sun so that’s new for me! Queer Eye will also always have a place in my heart.

Which new ship/fandom has taken over a lot of your time, attention, and tears? I’m a little too old for that now but I did heavily get into the Try Guys. I don’t ship any of them together but I just genuinely love each of them, them as a group, and all the content they put out.

What food did you try for the first time? Ooh there’s a lot. Foie gras, aligue (crab fat) ramen, Bloody Mary, pistachios, a vanilla frappe from Starbucks, Tim Hortons food, ji pai (Taiwanese fried chicken) and pad thai, to name a few. I’m so so so pumped to try out even more new food in 2020.

Did you make any big permanent changes this year? I stopped talking to my brother.

What was one nice thing you did for someone else? Being one of the only two people in my org who can drive, I’ve always offered lifts to my friends. I don’t say anything even if where I’m taking them is entirely off my normal route, which frustrates Gabie, but honestly I just like helping my friends and making their commute easier for them. I also checked up on Nacho a day before he passed. I regret being too civil, but at least I checked up on him. Not a lot of people did that in his last few days.

What was one nice thing you did for yourself? Ok so one thing my org does is hold journalism workshops to schools across the country. The org is a bit small and not all the members are reliable, so what usually happens is that the same group of people attend the workshops and teach and facilitate – me being a part of that same group of people. Given that we have class during weekdays and these workshops happen on weekends, the schedule can be very demanding, especially if these schools request a shit-ton of topics for us to teach them. I sort of looked out for myself more this year by declining to go to a couple of the workshops, so that I can experience actually having a full weekend to myself.

Did you develop a new obsession? I discovered a YouTuber who is insanely good at Mario Kart 8 and I watched a ton of his playthroughs in 2019. Oh, and MUKBANG ASMRs. It’s an insanely unpopular opinion but I love chewing noises, dude.

Did you vote? It was the senatorial elections this year and yes, I did vote. None of my votes got in, of course, because unfortunately the rest of the Filipino electorate don’t know any better. I was part of a real-time fact-checking group that day for extra class credit, and I will never forget the collective groan and moan that came out of that room when the first batch of results came out on the news and we saw the same corrupt, power-hungry, money-hungry, anti-poor politicians top the polls.

Did you move? No. I’ve lived in the same house since 2008.

Did you get a job? I did not, BUT I did get an internship which I was pretty stoked about.

Did you get a pet? I did not. I don’t want anyone else but my dog, who I’ve had also since 2008.

Do you regret not doing anything? Sure. I have never taken Gab’s mom out on a girls’ night kind of date, and I always told myself that I was going to finally do that in 2019 – which I didn’t. I’m so going to make sure we do it this year. I’m also sad that I didn’t get to see Angela more times last year. And that I didn’t do more for Nacho, so now I have to live with the loss of him forever.

Do you regret doing something? Nothing is coming to mind so I guess nothing major. <-- Pretty much, thankfully.

Have you done anything that scared you? Tried vaping, did shisha for the first time, walk alone in Katipunan, be stuck at a restaurant table with Gab’s (very stoic) dad while she went to the washroom, to name a few lol. On a deeper note, I was a bad girlfriend several times over 2019 and it rocked the relationship quite a bit.

Did anyone/thing make you so mad it stayed with you for days? Yeah absolutely. I hated the people who went too far when it came to Nach, especially his ‘friends’ who didn’t hesitate to turn his back on him. And when things finally crashed and burned, I was too fucking pissed at everybody to even say something about it.

Did you lose anyone close to you? Yes.

Did you fall in love? For most of 2019 as with 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, and 2018, yes.

Did you fall out of love? Nope.

Did you start a new relationship? I did not.

Did you go through a break up? I almost had to, but we sat each other down several times in the year to fix what had to be fixed, and it’s been very smooth sailing since.

Did you have to cut ties to someone? They weren’t people I was close to in any extent, but I’ve blocked several people from a certain elite school because I hate that school.

Who was important to you this year but wasn’t important last year? No one strongly comes to mind since I basically just retained my circle, but I did meet Gab’s closest cousin this year for the first time, and anyone who’s family to her is automatically important to me, so I’d go with him.

Who wasn’t as important to you this year as they were last year? This is going to sound completely awful, but I guess my college blockmates. I was always sort of the ~black sheep in our small batch of 7 while all of them are incredibly close with one another. 2019 was the year that I stopped trying to hang out with them, because I realized that no matter how hard I try, we’re really just on different wavelengths and I can’t keep faking my expressions and mannerisms just so I feel accepted or so that I can survive a day with them.

If you could have a do over on one thing you did, would you take it? Yeah, I definitely wish I cut some of my classes much less.

What was the best moment of the year for you? What was the worst? There were a lot of high moments from 2019 if we’re being honest. I liked taking Gab and her dad out for a ONE Championship pay-per-view back in January, I liked being invited to her dad’s birthday dinner, my road trip to Nasugbu, every day that my dad was here, going to the beach, partying for Halloween with friends, seeing old friends again in our org Christmas party, that one night Gab and I went to BGC just to bar-hop, our fancypants date that was also in BGC, and I’m sure there’s a bunch more that I’ve forgotten to mention. The absolute worst moment came at the very minute I pieced it together and found out *surprise surprise* Nacho was gone forever. I don’t think I was able to speak for two hours. When I did, I ended up crying the rest of the night until I passed out.

Did anything happen that you were sure would change you as a person but it really didn’t? Not-so-serious answer, but I thought I was gonna live my entire life without needing injections to my mouth, but lo and behold I went to the dentist in December and got THREE. I thought I was going to pass out, I thought it was going to hurt, I thought I was going to thrash around my seat in terror... I ended up not even feeling anything. I dunno if it’s because I got a lower dose of whatever, or if my dentist is just better than others, but the whole experience went much better than I expected. This may sound shallow but I have the biggest needle-and-any-sharp-object phobia, so this is a lot coming from me hahaha.

Did anything happen to you that you were sure wouldn’t change you as a person but it did? Watching Portrait of a Lady on Fire. Gab just needed a companion to the cinema that night; I had no idea what the movie was going to be about and even read the entire plot while trailers were showing – in the end, it’s been me who’s been talking about the movie way way more than she.

What are you most proud of accomplishing? Not killing myself. The 2010s was just me internally betting on when I’d finally pull the plug, but I had what it took to get me to 2020, apparently.

What have you learned about yourself this year that you didn’t know in the years prior? That everything you do and say on the internet is permanent, and you’ll forever have to live with the the consequences that come from them.

Did your opinion of anyone change for the better? Andrew. Before 2019, I found him so horrifyingly clingy, so chatty, and he was always trying to be close to everyone (he still does). It drove the introvert side of my ambivert-ness absolutely NUTS. At one point I realized he wasn’t going to change, so I just gave him a chance and turns out, he’s a great friend and an even better co-worker hahaha.

Did your opinion of anyone change for worse? Everybody who claimed to be Nach’s friend but didn’t find it hard to say vile stuff about him.

If you make resolutions, did you complete them this year? I told myself I was going to make a one-photo-a-day private Instagram dump for 2019, but I stopped as early as January 27 LMAOOOOO. I’m doing it again this year and I’m much more determined to keep it going.

If you make resolutions, what will your resolutions be for the coming year? Keep my 2020 Instagram active, be able to travel... and be happier, basically.

If you could go on an adventure during the remaining days of the year, where would you go and what would you do? Who would you go this? A little too late my dude. I’m typing this out in 2020.

What do you wish for others for the coming year? What do you wish for yourself? I just hope everybody on here feels a little bit more warmth and happiness, dude. We all deserve it.

#survey #surveys

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soveryanon · 5 years

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Reviewing time for MAG141, once again abridged edition because What The Heck Is This Month on my side /o/

- Fun little thing: it was precisely as he was talking about Mikaele Salesa’s ties with the Institute (and the fact that some items in Artefact Storage were bought from him) that Jon spotted the spider in MAG038, leading to the discovery of the worm invasion and the Prentiss attack overall. As usual when spiders are involved: was that a coincidence, or fucking not.

Anyway: it’s interesting how, between MAG115 (the statement that Salesa himself gave in 2007) and MAG141 (Floyd’s statement about his last year working under him), Salesa turned to sounding… more tragic, almost sympathetic? (I said “almost”: I’m not forgetting how easily he was throwing people overboard, or the fact he allowed people to get their hands on items that would hurt them or other people… although yeah, technically, he was leaving them to deal with what they had asked for.) With only MAG141, it sounded like he was someone stuck in Spooky, pursued by spooks and never able to escape them ever since he’d worked with Leitner:

(MAG141) FLOYD: He was tired. Everyone could tell. The man had been doing this job non-stop as long as any of us could remember, and he was clearly starting to feel it. Once found him pouring over an old photo album. The ship was there in the pictures, but a different captain, different crew. I asked him who they were, and he just looked at me, eyes sunken like hadn’t slept, and for a second I felt like he was seeing someone else, not me. But then he just shrugged. “Dead now,” he said, “doesn’t really matter.” […] This time, though… felt different. He was distant, quiet. His words, when he spoke to you at all, were blurred with alcohol and regret. Nobody knew what the plan was, so we just kept going.

(Can’t help but think about Leitner, Gertrude or Jon, here: being the sole survivor of their little circle, because everyone else… slowly got killed or sacrificed around them, whether they took an active part in their circle’s demise or just watched them as they all died off one by one…?)

- Small similarities, between Salesa’s own statement (MAG115) and Floyd’s description of him (MAG141)! Salesa was indeed the only one to deal with the merchandise during the journey, and installed the rule in 1999, and we know why:

(MAG115, Mikaele Salesa) “You see, in this game there are a few rules it’s a good idea to keep to if you’re looking to stay alive. One of my mine, is that only I take stock of the merchandise. You want to know how I came by this rule? I know you do.”

(MAG141) FLOYD: Way the others talked about it, he’d been at this for a long time, decades at least, and when I sailed with him it was clear he knew exactly what he was doing. He was the only one ever allowed in the cargo bay during a voyage.

And overall, if Floyd said that the crew trusted Salesa… it wasn’t one-sided, at all (especially when it involved throwing people overboard.):

(MAG115, Mikaele Salesa) “His movements were clumsy, like a drunk, and even at his best I’ve killed worse than Cook. He went down easy. That’s another good thing about having a crew you can trust. They tossed him overboard, and cleaned up without asking any sort of prying questions.”

(MAG141) FLOYD: He never lied to us about the sort of thing he was into. He didn’t exactly volunteer specifics, but we all knew what we were doing wasn’t legal, and we trusted him because he knew what he was doing. […] Salesa was a big guy, you know, but he never really made anything of it. He always used to say he needed a crew to follow him out of trust, not fear. But he didn’t have a problem using his size against Jésus when he found him. He threw the little rat overboard without a second’s hesitation, and there was nobody on that ship unhappy he did it. They’d all seen what could happen when someone else got in the cargo bay.

- We know that Salesa was one of Jurgen Leitner’s assistants for a time, but took off before his library was attacked (so before 1994), and that he had left with a copy of Leitner’s clients list, that he first dealt in “regular” illegal antiques before beginning to accept dealing with spooky items, out of greed, though avoiding books; he was already in the nautical Spook business in autumn 1999, when “Cook” grew fond of the Flesh-related meat grinder (MAG115). On January 19th 2000, Vincent Yang got imprisoned in an old (Buried-related) wooden box from Salesa’s stock, and was freed by Peter Lukas (MAG066). Salesa gave (“another”) written statement to Gertrude/the Institute/Elias? on January 4th 2007, after a Slaughter weapon bought from him caused damages, and Jon mentioned that some items from Artefact Storage have been purchased from him (MAG115). In the spring of 2010, he bought Neil Thompson’s “totem” syringe, which had likely been protecting Thompson from The Corruption and/or unleashed a Corruption curse on him when he sold it (MAG045). He tried to sell something to Paul Noriega in May 2011 (MAG014), contained in “a square wooden crate” by four men, although they didn’t settle on a price. He was the one to sell/give The Spiral pot from the Jiajing period to Andre Ramao in March 2012 (MAG038). He was transporting a (Spiral? Stranger?) rug when it attacked Gantulga in 2014, prompting him to apparently try to stop/flee from that life, taking on one last mission to would retrieve “an old camera with a broken lens” from an island (MAG141). Jon had already pinpointed that Salesa had apparently disappeared in 2014, back in season 2:

(MAG045) ARCHIVIST: […] I’ve been having a word with Rosie about whether we can make contact with him. Apparently, he hasn’t been seen for almost two years now, with rumours in the trade running through everything from “he had a quiet retirement” to “he’s trying to dodge a jail sentence” or even “he was shot dead in Columbia for stealing a priceless artefact from a drug lord”. Whatever the reason, it doesn’t look like he’ll be answering questions any time soon, though I have urged Rosie to keep trying.

Which was now kind of confirmed by Floyd Matharu, who worked with Salesa from 2011 to 2014 (MAG141) – according to his story, Salesa is presumably dead, although Floyd himself didn’t see anything directly and the most direct witness is already dead:

(MAG141) FLOYD: I didn’t hear the explosion myself. Dantez told me about it, as it had apparently woken him and a few others of the crew. A big explosion, they said, further into the port. […] We were still stood there, arguing amongst ourselves about what to do, when Captain Gaultier made his dramatic reappearance. His clothes were torn and his hair matted with blood. […] Some tried to ask the captain about Salesa, but he just shook his head. He wasn’t making much sense. We managed to gather the two of them had left early to deliver the artefact, but something had gone wrong. There had been an argument. They had been betrayed. Salesa was dead. The captain died soon after; the shrapnel trapped in his skull finally getting the better of him.

So, hum. Suspicious death, no body found, still not sure whether he’s still alive or not.

- Salesa was acquainted with the Institute, made a few phone calls, and officially died in an explosion… so had he made a deal with Gertrude? In which case, did she indeed betray him, or hide his escape? (It would seem… very “kind” from Gertrude, though.) Using him to retrieve a spooky item before discarding him sounds ruthless and not totally un-Gertrude, so…

Of course, big creature under the sea sounds like a Vast thing, so I wonder if the thing with the island was The Vast’s ritual attempt? We’re still missing… everything about that one (date, place, name, people involved). And was the camera lens related to them, or to Beholding, or to The Dark? Why was Jon interested in that statement in particular – because of the mystery of Salesa’s disappearance, or because of the island, or because of the camera lens…? We did have multiple occurrences of cameras or lenses being used around Dark activities:

(MAG009, Julia Montauk) “Asking him about it, my father told me he had been trying to learn photography, but didn’t trust developers not to ruin his films, as he’d apparently had problems before. I suggested he make himself a darkroom for developing them himself. […] There were no photos stored there. To this day I don’t know where my father kept his developed pictures. But there were about a dozen images hung out to dry. They’re still vivid in my mind – black and white and… washed in the deep red of the darkroom. Each photo was of a person’s face, close up and expressionless, their eyes were dull and glassy. I had never seen corpses before, so didn’t really understand what I was looking at. On each face were thick black lines that, formed these symbols that I didn’t recognise – but they were clearly drawn on the faces themselves, not just on the photographs. I don’t remember the symbols in any great detail, I’m afraid, just the faces that they were drawn onto, though they weren’t people I recognised. Nor did they match any of the photos the police showed me later.”

(MAG057, Carter Chilcott) “At some point on the first day, I remembered the camera. I focused my attention on it and began to scream, and shout for help in the vain hope that someone might be watching a feed of it and might be able to make contact. I cried, and begged, and pleaded with that camera for almost four hours, before I was suddenly struck by a terrifying thought. I floated over to it, and gently took hold of the cables that fed, out from the back into the wall. I followed them along, looking for where they connected to the power or broadcasting apparatus. What I found instead were a pair of neatly severed wires – transmitting nothing, powering nothing, connected… to nothing. The camera had never even been turned on, and had certainly not been transmitting anything to Earth. So what data had they been collecting? I still have no idea the answer to that question, but I did feel like I gained some… small sliver of control back after spending an… all-too-brief hour smashing up the camera.”

(MAG063, Erin Gallagher-Nelson) “It’s always been me and Luke Nelson – he was my wife’s brother, and did all the lighting for our shoots. At least, until he was… eaten by the darkness, last week. […] Then the scraping came again, now from the other direction and I sank to the floor, clutching my camera to my chest like some sort of protective talisman. It was silent, once again. […] Somewhere in my mind, I remembered… the flash of my camera, and my fingers instinctively flipped the switch. As I pressed the button, the screaming stopped with a wet snap, and for the worst moment of my life, an explosion of light shot through the darkness. […] It was the rector of St. Paul’s, and a small group of what I assumed to be parishioners. […] The rector was very understanding, though I wasn’t making much sense. He spoke soft words of reassurance, brought me out into the sick pale blue of dawn, and called an ambulance to look me over. I didn’t get his name, and it was only after I’d reached the hospital I realized he had taken my camera.”

And we know that a company involved in the Daedalus project, Optics Solutions Ltd, was based in Ny-Ålesund and specialised in cameras. It’s one of the numerous companies reportedly tied to The Dark, along with Outer Bay Shipping and D.K.N. Systems:

(MAG025) ARCHIVIST: Also of note, the words “Ny Alesund”. I don’t know for sure if Mr. Bilham remembered them correctly, but Tim pointed out that Ny-Ålesund is actually a small town in Norway. In fact, except for research installations, it is the most northerly human settlement on Earth, located at a latitude of North 78°55′30″. It is a company town, owned and operated by Outer Bay, but what it has to do with Mr. Bilham’s account is anyone’s guess. Assuming it isn’t all… coincidence. That far north… during the winter… nights can last for a very long time… Mm.

(MAG057) ARCHIVIST: Tim was, however, able to get a list of the businesses involved in the venture. Three names stand out: “Pinnacle Aerospace”, majority owned by the Fairchild family; a large private investment by Nathaniel Lukas; and “Optics Solutions Ltd”, a relatively benign-seeming company manufacturing specialist cameras for research and industrial application, who are nonetheless notable for having their business address listed as being in Ny-Ålesund, in Norway.

(MAG073) BASIRA: The building was in an industrial complex up in Harringay. It was a two storey brick building, with a weathered sign claiming it belonged to “Outer Bay Shipping”. […] ARCHIVIST: I can’t help but feel I’ve got the last chapter of a story and I… don’t even know the title. At least I hope it’s the last chapter. I still can’t find much about the company “Outer Bay Shipping”. Looks like a shell corporation, but tracking corporate ownership is not something I’m skilled at.

(MAG106, Jan Kilbride) “[Manuela Dominguez’s] research was kept entirely separate from mine, and while we spent plenty of time together, I never did figure out exactly what it was. Something to do with lasers, I think. […] She said she’d felt the station shake, bu–ut when I pressed, she… claimed she hadn’t heard anything. Her eyes were red and I noticed for the first time that the tips of her fingers were burned.”

(MAG109) JULIA: Sometimes, a start-up would make it big, but usually it was the inevitable bankruptcy that moved them out. All except “D.K.N. Systems”. I never really figured out what it was they were meant to be doing; something full of meaningless buzzwords, like “business networks” or “media solutions”. Thinking about it, it might actually have been “Business media network solutions.” Point is, there didn’t seem to be anything suspicious about them. At least not at first. […] There was only one of them that ever spoke – at least to me. A young guy called [Vardan Darvish]. He seemed to be the manager, at least as much as there was any clear structure. And unlike his colleagues, he seemed happy, almost eager, to talk. […] TREVOR: I’d been tracking Darvish for a good few weeks by then. There’d been a couple of homeless I knew gone missing around Parrs Wood, where I were keeping back then. […] Third night, I spotted him at work, taking a delivery. It were a big truck for some company called “Outer Bay”. I tried to follow them up since, but didn’t find much.

So, mmmm. Lot of lenses, and still the mystery of… Robert Montauk’s photographs.

- In the same way, there is the year of Salesa’s death/disappearance… Because 2014 (and 2015) were definitely activity-heavy for The Dark: in MAG141, Salesa was revealed to have officially “died” in 2014, after retrieving the camera lens. In MAG063, Erin Gallagher-Nelson and Luke Nelson had an encounter with creatures(or followers?) of the Dark underneath St. Paul’s Church, on the night between March 25th and 26th 2014. In MAG135, Manuela Dominguez left her statement on July 14th 2014, announcing that The Dark and Maxwell Rayner were ready for their ritual and challenging Gertrude to stop them. In MAG025, Mark Bilham recounted the events at the Hither Green Dissenters Chapel, involving followers from the People’s Church of the Divine Host on March 11th 2015, and Jon added that a scream was heard on the evening of May 15th 2015 (the day Gertrude passed away according to the “official file”, although in MAG040 Elias reported the blood in Gertrude’s office and her disappearance to have occurred on March 15th).

So whether there is actually a direct connection or not, it’s still a bit suspicious that Salesa disappeared in the timeframe he did…

(- Thinking again about how both Jon and Tim had specifically mentioned that they had watched what was happening during their first spooky encounter, and how they both ended up in the Institute and Beheld, it’s interesting to note that Floyd:

(MAG141) FLOYD: Something began to break the surface as I realised the deep rumble was no longer the thunder, and I closed my eyes and fell to the deck, gripping the rail with all my might as a wave hit us from behind, propelling us away from it.

… precisely closed his eyes. Not everyone would watch, as their childhood bully is snatched by Mr. Spider, or as their brother or what’s left of his skin is played with again.)

- Interestingly, Basira had said that she would book the trip, and now it turns out that Jon changed their plans?

(MAG140) ARCHIVIST: So what’s the plan? BASIRA: I’m getting us passage on a boat heading up there. ARCHIVIST: … Right.

(MAG141) BASIRA: What the hell was that?! ARCHIVIST: He had information about Salesa. I thought it would help. BASIRA: Is that why you were so keen on this ship? ARCHIVIST: I wasn’t sure; just had a hunch there was something here. BASIRA: And what? You thought the best way to find it was by… slurping it out of his brain?

… So it looks like Jon now has a radar for people with spooky stories. To quote Tim in MAG114: “Fan–tastic”.

- AND ONCE AGAIN… about how Jon Behaved and… compelled someone to do things (to give his statement, then to leave and get some rest):

(MAG141) BASIRA: Jon, I’m not sure about this. ARCHIVIST: I am. Tell me what happened. [STATIC INCREASES] FLOYD: W–what…? What is this? ARCHIVIST: Whenever you’re ready. FLOYD: A–a–alright. [STATIC DECREASES] … Sure… [SILENCE] He… he–he w–was a good boss, you know?

[…] ARCHIVIST: It’s alright, Floyd. You just… [STATIC INCREASES] need a break! FLOYD: … Yeah. [STATIC DECREASES AND FADES] Sure. [RINGING FOOTSTEPS DEPART]

… I’m just baffled about how Web Jon sounded here?! Especially since MAG134 (with Peter making the distinction between The End being passive, and The Extinction being active), I’ve been wondering about the possibility that Beholding and Web were a bit like that initially, having emerged from the same “shade” (Beholding passive/Web active), or on the contrary that they might be merging now with the rise of technology and surveillance society… And once again, mMMMMMmmm, it’s. Definitely strange. There is also the fact that The Web sent Oliver to wake up Jon (supposedly in order to push him to choose to become a Beholding avatar?!); the fact that Jon is unable to tell the details of his coma (he knows he made a “choice”, to become inhuman in order to avoid dying, but hasn’t been able to provide more specifics), and there is his childhood connection with The Web…

Though: there was static, too, when Elias hired Melanie in MAG084, specifically when he asked her whether she wanted to work in the Archives. So. That’s another kind-of similarity between what Elias did, and what Jon is currently doing. (Or is it that, like Elias, Jon is now able to put thoughts in someone’s mind, and that’s what he did to Floyd? But even that sounds awfully Web, if it’s about getting someone to do something by getting into their head… Once again, what the heck is happening re:Spiders at the Institute and around Beholding agents…)

- ;; I’m especially SAD about what happened to Floyd since… he specifically wanted to stop thinking about what had happened to him. And here he is.

(MAG141) FLOYD: My last voyage with him was the one that killed him. [Four] years ago; I still have nightmares sometimes. Tried to escape it, but some things follow you no matter where you go. A smarter person might have stayed off the water, but this job, it’s all I’ve ever really known. So here we are. […] I’ve gone over that memory so many times, trying to think what I might have missed, but even now, whenever I think of it, it just looked like an old camera with a broken lens. […] And I have tried, ever since then, to leave those memories behind me.

Doomed to get the nightmares.

Curiously, Lucia had also mentioned to Gertrude that she was already having nightmares – and Gertrude knew she would get them too.

(MAG130) LUCIA: H… uh. Will it help? GERTRUDE: I’m sorry? LUCIA: Telling my story. To you. Will, will it help with the nightmares? GERTRUDE: If that’s your primary goal, my dear, I would suggest you speak to a qualified counsellor. We can suggest one, if you like; that said, I do believe most people find the process of giving a statement to be rather… mm, cathartic. And whatever nightmares your experience has left you with, I’m sure they won’t be bothering you much longer. […] GERTRUDE: Sad about the loss of history but Miss Wright didn’t seem to think the old Gnostic church got many visitors anyway. I’m honestly impressed she had the strength to get through it, even if she does seem to have been… deeply affected by it. Shame about the dreams; I would avoid them if I could.

So does someone need to have nightmares for them to be “given” to the Archivist? Or are they different things, “normal” nightmares due to trauma vs. spooky nightmares due to the Archivist extorting the statement from someone?

- Overlook of season 4, time-wise:

MAG121 (+MAG122?): February 15th 2018 MAG123: February 17th (“Two days out of a coma, and I’m already tired.”) MAG124: February 24th~ (“It’s been a week and… Melanie’s attitude towards me hasn’t softened.”) MAG125: ? MAG126: ? MAG127: ? MAG128: 3rd March MAG129: ? MAG130: 17th~ March (Gertrude recording; “It’s been two weeks since I heard from Basira”) MAG131: 20th March MAG132: 24th March (given that Jon has been in the coffin for three days, either 21 to 24th, or 24 to 27th?) MAG133: ? MAG134: ? (Martin, chronologically after the coffin things) MAG135: ? MAG136: at the very least two weeks after MAG132 (since Jon hasn’t seen Daisy in his dreams “for the last couple of weeks”) MAG137: ? (Gertrude recording) MAG138: ? (Martin) MAG139: ? MAG140: one day after MAG139; end of May 2018 (“Summer solstice is the 21st of June. So we leave in a fortnight, and should arrive about a week before.”) MAG141: June 11th 2018 (two days before arrival)

… So: Jon’s average rhythm tends to be around one statement a week, and it was… more intense before the coffin, and then it just slowed the heeeck up. After MAG132, from March 24th to June 11th excluded (MAG141), he only recorded five statements, so roughly one every other week… and he hadn’t recorded one for 15+ days between MAG140 and MAG141, when he just… jumped on Floyd.

(And surely, he wouldn’t have been stupid enough to not have packed written statements…? So why didn’t he record any in the timelapse…?)

- Aaaaand I’m especially horrified by the fact that:

(MAG141) ARCHIVIST: He didn’t exactly seem inclined to volunteer the information. Besides, you said I needed to be ready for Ny-Ålesund. BASIRA: [SNARLS] ARCHIVIST: “Full power”, I believe were your words. The statement helped.

… is the same kind of logic we had seen with Manuela talking about her “Fear Battery” (MAG135). (And yeah, Basira also didn’t seem to be seasick anymore after the statement. Which could be due to the adrenalin/revulsion rush or… because Beholding.)

- Alright, so. The biggest thing for me was clearly Jon in this episode. As in “What the hell, Jon” (and/or “What the hell is happening”).

I… have a lot of trouble taking Jon’s behaviour in this episode at Face Value; and I don’t know if I can still hold on with the wishful thinking that it’s not as bad as it looked, or if… it is like That, and kind of “over” for Jon. At the very least, Basira seemed scandalised so we might get more insight into Jon’s behaviour, whether it’s a call-out or special measures taken to shackle him or someone clearly expressing that “Jon, no”. He was… flat. Almost casual. Just barely softer at some points, but mostly Elias-sounding (really reminding me of how Elias had treated Melanie in MAG106: fake concern and softness and benevolence, offering her the afternoon off when he had been the one to wreck her). And the thing that that threw me off the most wasn’t so much what Jon did, but how… casual he was about the whole thing, without berating himself or having some moral dilemma about it afterwards…? As if it was a logical and natural thing to do…?

See: Jon behaved in this episode the way I feared he would be when he would wake up from his coma – taking what he needs, without caring much about the fear and pain he spreads, as long as it feeds him/feeds what feeds him. And then, season 4 rolled out, and it wasn’t the case at all! Jon expressed, multiple times, that although he was aware of being different, he was still feeling many things: he even expressed empathy for victims and disdains for the spooks that terrorise them…

(MAG123) ARCHIVIST: No notes or follow-up here that I can see, just… [SIGH] It looks like the statement came in just after Gertrude disappeared. Another gap. And whoever took it didn’t do any follow-up, just… filed it away. I may be the first person to actually read it, so… sorry Angie, I suppose.

(MAG124) ARCHIVIST: Simon Fairchild is one of the… recurrent figures that I think disquiets me the most. Not simply for what he does, the endless spaces of highs or depths to which he’s so quick to condemn his victims, but… the joy he seems to take in doing so. And I don’t think there is much to this tale beyond that: an evil man tormenting and killing simply for his own pleasure, and to feed the power that sustains him.

(MAG126) ARCHIVIST: A “Great Twisting”, that Gertrude stopped at the cost of a single life. … I thought… moving away from my humanity would have made that seem more acceptable. That sort of sacrifice… but it just makes me sad…

(MAG127) ARCHIVIST: Hm. “Jonah Magnus”. I’ve never really given much thought to him. Not nearly as much as I should have. I suppose I had always hoped there was a chance he was… innocent, in all this. I know, I know! But I had… [EXHALE] I had just… hoped that maybe the founding of the Institute was in earnest. And not simply the foundation stone for all the terrible things that have happened here. … But no. Whatever is happening now… has its origins two hundred years ago. In the work of an evil man.

(MAG129) ARCHIVIST: I just– I worry. You’re working for someone… really bad! MARTIN: Yes, I’m not an idiot, Jon, but it’s no… worse than working for something really bad, so… ARCHIVIST: At least, The Eye hasn’t gone after our own. Lukas has vanished two people!

(MAG129) ARCHIVIST: With one or two notable exceptions, the only statements the Institute receives are those where the witness has… successfully escaped whatever terrible place or being has marked them for a victim. … I wonder how many don’t make it out. How many of those shapes in the water were once just like Mr. Shakya. Hm. Or perhaps I shouldn’t wonder. [HUFF] Even as I say it, I can feel the knowledge, pushing in my mind. Eager to find a way in. But I don’t want it. I don’t want to know. … I don’t want to see. … No more than I wanted to see how Gertrude stopped The Buried and their ritual, but that came to me as well. [HUFF] They called it “Sunken Sky”! And she calculated, correctly, that casting a void-touched body down The Pit at the right time would be enough to disrupt it. Something she found in… Jan Kilbride. … But Gertrude also realized that the body need not be alive. Or in one piece. She thought it was a mercy. It wasn’t.

(MAG132) ARCHIVIST: I… heard someone. He was begging for me to save him. Said he couldn’t breathe. … I can barely breathe. I couldn’t find him. But I am… n–not here for him. I don’t even know him. I can’t… I can’t see… anything here… for all this… this place closes around me, I… I feel adrift. Like nothing can get through the dirt, and the muck, and–

(MAG135) ARCHIVIST: Is locking [the coffin] up the right thing to do? There are other people in there. And Daisy and I got out, but– … No, I, uh… I can’t think about that. Even if I could somehow be sure of recreating our escape, I–I can’t save everyone that’s been taken. I–It’s not my job to try, I– And I can’t spend another three days in there, I just… I need to let it go.

He was sad and horrified about Jan Kilbride; he didn’t sound onboard with Gertrude’s methods at all. He expressed that he was feeling so, so many doubts, about himself and what he had to do:

(MAG122) ARCHIVIST: They can be hard, though, sometimes, oth–other people… feelings. I’m… I’m… I’m trying to focus. Trying to make sure I’m the same me as before, but… how can anyone really remember that? How do you know… you’re the same person that went to sleep…? […] BASIRA: Me first. What are you? ARCHIVIST: … Honestly… I don’t know. I don’t feel… inhuman, or… … I want to say I’m the same. But I don’t… really know if that’s true. I know I’m different. I feel… more real, somehow. BASIRA: So what does that actually mean? ARCHIVIST: Probably nothing good.

(MAG127) ARCHIVIST: [STATIC] Look, I don’t know, Basira. I hope I’m still human, but it… but it’s seeming more and more unlikely. BASIRA: … I didn’t ask. ARCHIVIST: No, I suppose you didn’t. […] I’m sorry Basira, I–I will try to keep anything I learn about you to myself. My priorities haven’t changed; I hope you can believe that. [SIGH] I’m still on your side. You can trust me.

(MAG131) HELEN: Not this again. I’m not “wearing” anything, Archivist. I am at least as much Helen Richardson as you are the Jonathan Sims that first joined this institute. Things change. People change. It happens. ARCHIVIST: … We’re not “people”, though, are we? Not anymore. HELEN: Names, categories… it’s all so important to you, isn’t it? You do know none of it is actually real. It’s all just… meaningless boxes.

(MAG132) DAISY: Realised what was happening then. Realised you weren’t human. Needed to die, as soon as it was safe. Never mind Elias and his… insurance. ARCHIVIST: And now? DAISY: Don’t know. I miss dreaming. Y–you don’t sleep… down here. ARCHIVIST: Daisy… you should know I’m… If I wasn’t human before, I’m, uh… I’m even less now. DAISY: Yeah. Well. At the moment, I don’t care…

He understood people’s stance and wariness towards him. He highlighted that he was still feeling fear, sadness, concern. We got glints of guilt, of melancholy:

(MAG123) ARCHIVIST: Melanie, Melanie: it’s… it’s me. MELANIE: Oh! Okay, so what, “Hi Jon, how are you, get anyone killed lately?” ARCHIVIST: … I… MELANIE: Wipe that look off your face. Like you’re not the reason all of this is happening. Like you’re any better than– ARCHIVIST: [MESSY STUTTERING] MELANIE: –than him! ARCHIVIST: Basira said Elias was gone!

(MAG123) ARCHIVIST: I have no theories on it, no… no sudden insights. [SIGH] I wish I could talk it through with Martin. … Or Tim. [SHORT SAD CHUCKLE] Or Sasha. But we never really did that, did we…? … Everything’s changed. … [SIGH] Two days out of a coma, and I’m already tired.

(MAG126) ARCHIVIST: I’ve been… trying to check on Melanie’s condition. She refuses to see me – understandably, I–I suppose, and Basira has been looking after her. [SIGH] It hurts, of course, but… [SIGH] I really hope getting that bullet out of her helps. At least… stops it from getting any worse. I can’t have been too late again.

(MAG132) ARCHIVIST: Wish me luck…! … Although I suppose if you’re hearing this, then I… I didn’t have any. I don’t know. I’m… I’m scared. [SHORT CHUCKLE] When does the fear go away…? A–anyway, I–I’m sorry. You too, Basira, if you’re hearing this. I know you’d… stop me. You’d be right to, but… But if this goes wrong, all you lose is– … I’m not risking anyone else. And I know– … I–I think… I can get her out.

(MAG135) ARCHIVIST: […] they can’t wait until they don’t have to talk to me anymore. Can’t honestly say I blame them, none of this is easy. Everyone’s just trying to get through as best they can. Living one day at a time. [SIGH] But I can’t afford to be just living one day at a time, I need… a plan. But I don’t even know what I’m trying to achieve… And no one… no one wants to tell me.

(MAG136) ARCHIVIST: I… [SIGH] I don’t feel like I’m exactly in the best place to judge the… intersection [CHUCKLE] between free will and humanity. Still trying to figure that out myself. […] DAISY: You need to stop swanning around, being all sad. ARCHIVIST: I’m, I’m not “swanning around”– DAISY: “Boo-hoo, I’m so alone and a monster!” ARCHIVIST: I am alone, Martin is– DAISY: Busy. doing. paperwork. Not like he’s dead. Beside, he’s not the only other person here, you know. There’s me; Melanie; Basira– ARCHIVIST: Traumatised; traumatised; and paranoid, because of me. DAISY: Get over yourself! You’re always talking about choices – we all made ours.

(MAG139) ARCHIVIST: Why were we chosen? Agnes was created – crafted with a specific purpose so finely tuned that even a grain of uncertainty threatened the entirety of her being. [CHORTLING] But I’m so full of doubt it feels like there’s no room for anything else, and… I’m sure Martin is the same…! Is there “destiny” here? B–bloodlines and… prophecies, or did we just… stumble into this? Maybe we’re the opposite of Agnes; maybe our doubts are exactly what we need. I–if that’s the case, I’m a… an amazing chosen one. … [LONG EXHALE] Don’t know how that would work, though. … [SIGH] I’m just worried about Martin. … Christ… Every other Avatar gets to have their feelings… burned right out of them, but me? I’ve… just got to sit in mine.

And it’s been a constant throughout season 4! Nothing “bad” recently happened to sharpen him or to make him change his mind like this! The last time he went into a tangent about, precisely, his still having to bear all these “feelings” was two episodes ago! And nothing life-threatening happened to the assistants on his watch, no near-death accident which could have made him… change his mind and adopt that “the end justifies the means” attitude that he was strangely deadpan about in MAG141. Jon knows what the dreams do. When he apparently cracked the code, he seemed to been keen on avoiding further cases:

(MAG113) ARCHIVIST: I’m not too concerned, to be honest, my dreams are, uh… well, let’s just say I don’t think they’re going be letting anyone else in any time soon.

(MAG115, Mikaele Salesa) “So I suppose if it’s a statement you’re wanting… it’s no inconvenience to me. I don’t sleep well anyway.”

(MAG132) DAISY: I realized you were in my dreams. Reliving t… this. The coffin. You were there. ARCHIVIST: … Yes. DAISY: Didn’t think it was real. Not really… Just my mind putting you there, because I h–hated you but… no.

(MAG136) ARCHIVIST: And you’re not… worried about… DAISY: Basira’s trapped here. So are you. Not like I can be going anywhere anyway. ARCHIVIST: … I suppose not. So… no more dreams. DAISY: Not of you and your weird eyes. Just the coffin. ARCHIVIST: Is that better…? DAISY: ’T’s mine. ARCHIVIST: … right.

It’s not just nightmares for the victims – it’s a loss of control, it’s something that could potentially wreck their lives and reduce their lifespan. It’s not just “a few bad dreams”:

(MAG141) BASIRA: And now he’s going to see you in his dreams as he relives that for the rest of his life! ARCHIVIST: [INHALE SHARPLY] BASIRA: Because… because a tape recorder told you to do it?! ARCHIVIST: Yes, Basira, he is. And I am sorry about that. But we needed it. Anyway: you’re the one who wants to be like Gertrude. [SILENCE] You think she’d give a damn about a few bad dreams?

True, Jon has already taken live-statements in season 4, but under specific circumstances: he neutralized Breekon when he was ready to fight with Basira (MAG128), and took Jared’s statement to know more about the fact that his attack on the Institute had been orchestrated by someone else, as part of a deal offered by Jared (MAG131). Both cases were known multiple murderers and in urgent situations (both Breekon and Jared were capable of wrecking him) – and he even wrote down Breekon’s statement rather than speaking it outright. It had… nothing to do with forcing someone who, all right, had dealt in illegal business in the past but hadn’t killed anyone as far as we know and wasn’t a spook himself, to give a story that he was adamant to forget about! It’s not even a natural evolution (small steps would require some urgency or no other option), it’s going from 1 to 10 with no apparent incentive…? Jon had just checked that they still had two days on the boat. He could have chosen the (still very morally reprehensible) option to blackmail the guy through compulsion (like he did with Kurt in MAG103), in order to get his written statement…? There were other options than this!

So what is happening? Because I trust Jonny to destroy me emotionally, yes, but this was… so abrupt, so I still have trouble taking it at face value, I still feel like there must be something happening to explain the complete turn-over that Jon did between MAG140 and MAG141. Though yeah, I guess that it would also be a real tragedy (I find this infinitely sad, depowering and tragic so – it’s doing its job if it’s the case), but after so many talks about “choices” in season 4, and about how, maybe, the spooks we had met so far were… mostly Very Bad People to begin with, or people easily convinced to kill others if it would mean surviving themselves…

(MAG121) OLIVER: The thing is, Jon, right now, you have a choice. You’ve put it off a long time; but it’s trapping you here. You are not quite human enough to die, but – still too human to survive. You’re… balanced on an edge, where The End can’t touch you, but you can’t escape Him. I made a choice. We all made choices. […] Make your choice, Jon.

(MAG125) ARCHIVIST: In many ways, The Slaughter fascinates me. There seems to be, in all cases, a question at its heart about… control. Is it a mindless dance, dragging participants along by the beat of a drum or… is there a kernel of will in there, a lucidity and deliberateness to the random fury and violence? I suppose that’s the question with so much of “violence”, “war”: how much are you really in command of yourself or of others? I’m not sure what scares me more: the idea that deep down, everyone is in complete control of their actions, that everything is, on some level, intentional; or that ultimately, we don’t have any control of ourselves at all, and the rest is just… rationalisation.

(MAG131) MELANIE: And then, one day, I suddenly have this thing that takes all that rage, and it holds it. Tells me it’s right. That it’s me. It didn’t stay in my leg because of some Ghostly Masterplan; it stayed… because I wanted it.

(MAG132) DAISY: I don’t want t–to be a s–sadistic predator again… I–I don’t want to… hobble around, like some pathetic, wounded prey either… I don’t know which would be worse. And I’m sc–scared, now, that I’ll never get the choice… ARCHIVIST: One thing I’ve learned, Daisy, is that we all get a choice. Even if it doesn’t feel like one.

… we would reach the conclusion that… no, the atrocities of the past will constantly repeat themselves; that Jon wasn’t able to learn enough from his mistakes and Gertrude’s; that in the end, Tim was right in MAG114 when he spat out that Jon “couldn’t not” because these spooks are pure instinct and you can’t do anything to refrain them, cue Jon now being unable to not jump on anyone with a Spooky Story, and finding it natural to doom them to get nightmares about it for the rest of their lives, without finding it problematic at all nor expressing any internal conflict…?

I’m not ready to give up on Jon as character-person (someone struggling, someone trying). If the Jon from MAG141 is What He Is Now and we’re getting that until the end of the season/series… I’m not ready ;; He would still be interesting to me as a character-character but I couldn’t empathise or sympathise with him much anymore if… he casually accepts to hurt people without sadness nor regret. So: I might be grasping at straws, I might be uselessly hoping, but… I don’t want this to be the end of it? Not yet? So, multiple possibilities that I am thinking about regarding this whole situation:

* The major difference with the rest of season 4 so far (except for MAG121 and MAG122) was that Jon wasn’t inside of the Institute/in the Archives. It could be possible that in Beholding’s temple, he is more “in control” of himself (and able to avoid casually hurting people if it serves him). Though: he was outside of the Institute in MAG122 and didn’t jump on Basira (who had More Spooky Stories, since she had experienced Peter Lukas’s reign over the Institute and The Flesh attack while Jon in the coma) nor Georgie (who had just met Oliver).

* Drinking at the Lonely Bar at the end of MAG139 actually messed Jon up more than he was aware and he was submerged without realising that he had “drowned”. Though: he… acted normal-Jon in MAG140 – wise-cracking, sighing a lot, being awkward and critical and… not glad about the whole necessity of the trip.

* This one feels more akin to wishful thinking to me than something actually likely, but orz I wanna hope and have faith in Jon, gdi.

Jon sounded… oddly focused on Basira after taking that statement – as if… making a point. He kind of cross-checked everything Basira expected from him: just answering to the call of a tape recorder:

(MAG123) ARCHIVIST: And we’ve got an audience. Perfect. I thought you said you decided to throw them all out. BASIRA: Yup. And I did. And here’s another one. ARCHIVIST: Maybe it’s hungry. BASIRA: Seriously? ARCHIVIST: I mean, I did have a statement I was planning to record.

(MAG141) BASIRA: Yeah, I heard. ‘anks. … What? ARCHIVIST: The tape recorder. BASIRA: [INHALE] Get ready. Any idea what’s coming? [QUICK FOOTSTEPS] ARCHIVIST: N–no, I’m… No, I–I don’t think that’s it. BASIRA: It’s not recording for nothing. ARCHIVIST: No, I… [STATIC RISING]… I think… [LOUDER] Excuse me? […] BASIRA: And now he’s going to see you in his dreams as he relives that for the rest of his life! ARCHIVIST: [INHALE SHARPLY] BASIRA: Because… because a tape recorder told you to do it?!

and being unable to not answer to the Call of knowledge and actively pursue it:

(MAG127) BASIRA: Don’t snoop in my head. ARCHIVIST: I’m not “snooping”, I’m not looking. That’s not… how this works.

(MAG128) BASIRA: Keep it safe, I’ll be gone a few days. I have some leads I need to follow up. ARCHIVIST: Sorry…?! BASIRA: You heard me. Don’t ask about them, and don’t know about them either. ARCHIVIST: I can’t exactly control that! BASIRA: Learn.

(MAG141) ARCHIVIST: I had to know. Basira. BASIRA: It wasn’t right. ARCHIVIST: … You could have stopped me. [SILENCE] But you wanted to know as well, didn’t you…? [SILENCE] [INHALE] Get some rest. Two days yet.

(And Jon, as far as we know, had managed to learn? Unless he hid it from us, he still doesn’t know that her intel was Elias, still doesn’t know what she was doing apart from what she told him. He also stopped meeting Martin when Martin told him to stop “finding” him. True, Jon tried to use his powers to see what The Dark was doing, and what Peter’s plans were, but… he was more in control, trying to use instead of being used, and it was to protect people!)

And Jon also reversed the dynamic by reminding Basira that she had elected Gertrude as role model, and he was merely behaving like she would have, ruthless methods included:

(MAG133) ARCHIVIST: You were hoping for a defender. BASIRA: I was hoping for someone I can trust to share the load. Because right now, it’s all on me. ARCHIVIST: [EXHALES, SLOW] It doesn’t have to be. BASIRA: Hm. ARCHIVIST: You’re not happy she is back. BASIRA: I didn’t say that, Jon. I would never abandon Daisy and, having her back is… [SIGH] But right now, she’s dead weight. And I need to be able to travel light. ARCHIVIST: … You’re starting to sound like Gertrude. BASIRA: Good. As far as I can see, Gertrude Robinson was the most effective person in this place.

(MAG141) ARCHIVIST: Anyway, you’re the one who wants to be like Gertrude. [SILENCE] You think she’d give a damn about a few bad dreams? BASIRA: … No. ARCHIVIST: No. She got the job done, and didn’t care about the costs. BASIRA: But I thought you did.

And it seems so… pointed? So orientated? So “look at me being the monster you needed”?

So I wonder (/probably: hope) if… Jon wasn’t mainly trying to disgust Basira, with this. Playing a role, and keeping calm and quiet because he needed for the lesson to sink in. Season 4 has been about him more or less saving the assistants: removing Melanie’s bullet; getting Daisy back. Martin is still inaccessible and a sore spot. He’s tried to reason with Basira, and she deflected every time, even when he capitulated and offered for her to “use” him even if she still didn’t want to trust him. He is making himself usable here, but also… making himself loathable. And I’m wondering if this might be the way he has found to try to “save” her, too, by making her realise that the system she wants to adopt is messed up, and disgusting, and not… very “her” either.

* Not incompatible with the above, there is technically another option, when Basira told Jon that Floyd would now get plagued with nightmares:

(MAG141) BASIRA: And now he’s going to see you in his dreams as he relives that for the rest of his life!

… the other option is: “for the rest of Jon’s life”.

Because another thing in season 4 so far has been Jon’s research on rituals: how Gertrude dealt with some, how some others cancelled themselves or failed independently from Gertrude (for example, in MAG135, “I’ll keep digging. If there is another ritual upcoming, I’ll need all the information I can get on it.”). The fact that Beholding still has its chance has been looming since even before Jon’s return to the Institute, and he went back to that notion much later, with restlessness – it’s absolutely possible that, with his digging about rituals, Jon has been trying to find something that could help prevent Beholding’s:

(MAG123) BASIRA: [SIGH] Alright. Best I can understand it, Beholding, or The Eye or… whatever you want to call it, we’re one of the only powers that hasn’t actually taken a shot at our ritual. Yet. And everything out there knows it. ARCHIVIST: … No, I mean, we… we can’t be the only ones, surely? BASIRA: I don’t know. Probably not. But we made a big noise with The Unknowing and… other stuff, and… now they’ve taken notice.

(MAG137) ARCHIVIST: Ever since I crawled out of that damn coffin, I feel like I’ve been… adrift. Filling in blanks and diving into History, but only…! [EXASPERATED SIGH] The breadcrumbs I’m finding are… stale. Old. … What the hell is The Watcher’s Crown? So far the only mention of it I’ve had is from Gerry, and he didn’t seem to know much about what it actually meant. [PAUSE] And he’s gone now. But if it is the grand ritual of Beholding, then I– … I mean… I need to know about it. Right…? I feel like I’m on a deadline, like I’m running out of time somehow – and I don’t even know where to go! What to look for, o–or… [EXHALE] Just casting around blindly for more clues to just… drop into my lap.

Gertrude’s methods mostly consisted in using either explosives or the Fears’s antitheticals – Vast-touched Jan Kilbride neutralised The Buried, and she had planned for a Beholding-touched person to be the one activating the explosive during The Unknowing:

(MAG137) GERTRUDE: To be sure, I–I think the detonation would need to happen from within The Unknowing, while it was going on. Gerard may have a connection to The Eye, but I’m not convinced it will be enough. And I will admit I’ve grown… fond of the boy.

… which ended up happening with Tim. And, right before Basira came in with Flamsteed’s statement, Jon read how… Agnes had asked her own followers to hang her, officially to allow their cult another chance soon – and possibly, given Jack Barnabas’s statement and Agnes’s melancholia about how she hadn’t chosen this life… to plainly make sure that their ritual wouldn’t happen? And Jon did confess to Daisy that he wasn’t sure that he had been right to choose to “become” something else, that he felt like a potential danger, and that he was actively willing to sacrifice his life if it meant saving others:

(MAG136) ARCHIVIST: My– [PAUSE] [INHALE] [SIGH] My memories of the coma are not clear. But I know I made a choice; I made a choice to become… something else. Because I was afraid to die. But ever since then, I… I don’t know if I made the right decision; I–I’m stronger now, tougher, I can… … If I do die, now, or get sealed away somewhere forever… I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. And I don’t want to lose anyone else so, if I can maybe stop that happening, and [DRY CHUCKLE] the only danger is to me, I– I’ll do it in a heartbeat; worst case scenario… the universe loses another monster. DAISY: That’s messed up. ARCHIVIST: [LOW SELF-DEPRECATIVE DRY LAUGHTER] … Yeah. I suppose it is. DAISY: Did you know the coffin wouldn’t kill you? ARCHIVIST: I– guess I thought imprisonment wouldn’t… wouldn’t be as bad as it was. And it’s a lot easier to make that choice than it is to actually… endure the result. You might have noticed when I was in there with you, I… I had regrets. DAISY: Yeah. I remember. ARCHIVIST: Plus, I thought… [PAUSE] W– [SIGH] Well, I didn’t know what being down there had done to you. DAISY: You thought I was gonna kill you? ARCHIVIST: It was a possibility. DAISY: Guess so.

… so I wonder if Jon isn’t trying… to make Basira disgusted enough with him for her to be ready to sacrifice him when they fight against The Dark, because that would be his logical conclusion to both neutralise it and Beholding in one go, without having to lose anyone else…? He said that Melanie has been doing better; that Daisy and Basira seemed a bit warmer. Martin has cut him out. From Jon’s perspective, he probably doesn’t have a lot to come back for…?

(Or yes, maybe I’m just in denial. SHHHHH.)

Title for MAG142 is out, and MMMMMM does it sound like a Beholding title?! (So not necessarily Jon&Basira-related; could be back to Martin at the Institute. Poor Martin.) Potentially Hunt, I guess, too??

And Anil teases Things and I don’t know if I can get my hopes up for Julia&Trevor………….. because The Dark is Julia’s family story, and she became a Hunter to survive them… (And OOOPS, remember how Trevor had described Darvish in MAG109? “Point is, soon as I saw [Darvish], I knew he were there one I were after. There was a smell to him. Something dark and sick, rolling off him in waves. [SCOFF] Sure, he didn’t smell like a vampire, but he smelt like something that weren’t meant to be in this world. So, I reckoned I best help him out of it!” … I wonder if another-Hunter-than-Daisy would react in front of Jon, nowadays…)

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