#anyways if you need me i'll be crying over the weather here and how i can't visit the bay or yosemite

[princesspastel8]

Chapter 6: "It's good to be back!"

Dipper POV

I wake up with a splitting headache. I groan as I sit up, pressing and rubbing my fits against the temples of my forehead. I swing my legs off my bed and hiss out in pain from moving to fast.

"Damnit....Bill.." I said while standing up and leaning against the wall for support. "My head...hurts so much."

I hear Bill laugh before he speaks. "Sorry, pinetree, I couldn't help myself. Seeing the fear in those meatsacks' eyes brought so much joy!"

I tense from his shouting. "Please...no screaming." I beg while slowly walking to the restroom next door to my room.

"Right, you had a pretty memorable night, huh?" Bill chuckles.

I take off my t-shirt and sweat pants, turning on the shower to warm water setting. I step inside, letting out a sigh as my tense body slowly relaxes. I lower my body underneath the showerhead, humming to the feeling of the warm water running down my body and soothing my headache.

"Yes, but enough with games. My plan is to bring you back today, but I can't think of who my last sacrifice will be."

"Haha, oh come on, pinetree. I'm sure there's someone out there who's stupid enough to get close to you -"

Bill is cut off by the sound of the bathroom door opening. "Oh! Oops, my bad dude. Didn't know anyone was in here." I hear Soos say.

I sigh heavily, pushing my wet hair from my face. I peek my head out of the shower currant. "So you're saying you didn't hear the water running through the door?"

Soos shrugs his shoulders. "Nope! But I'll wait until you're done. See ya later, dude." He said while walking out.

A smirk plays its way onto my lips as I pull my head back under the showerhead. "I think I found the idiot I can lead to their death...hehe." I chuckle while washing my hair and body.

"I forgot all about good old question mark! This is going to be hilarious to watch playout! Hahaha!" Bill laughs.

"Indeed." I said as I turned the water off and stepped out of the shower.

I wrap a towel around my waist and walk to my room. I open the door and walk inside, locking it behind myself. I drop the towel while walking to my dresser and pull out black shorts and a black tank top along with some boxers.

I dry my body, putting on my clothes. I place the towel on top of my head, and I walk down the stairs. I raise an eyebrow at everyone. No one's in the kitchen, but everyone is in the living room.

"Uh, why is everyone..." I trail off while walking into the living room. I look at the tv blankly. The news is on.

"A crazed serial killer is still on the lose. The bodies that were found and identified as Robert Stacey Valebtino, Tambry, Susan Wentworth, and Pacifica Elias Northwest. The police haven't figured out a clear motive nor how the murders could possibly be linked. I'm Jessica Jimenez, leaving a warning: be at home before sunset, lock your doors and possibly your windows, and stay safe. And now for the weather -"

Stan turns the Tv off to comfort a crying Wendy and Mable. Ford, however, is taking notes on his notepad, possibly writing everything the reporter stated. I sigh, walking over to Wendy, rubbing my hand up and down her back.

"Ahahahaha! Look at all the chaos and fear you put into those meatsacks! So proud of you, pinetree!" Bill cheers.

I feel my cheeks begin to heat up at Bill's words. I shake my head at the sound of Ford's voice. Everyone turns their attention to him.

"Stan and I will be leaving to hunt down this killer. My thoughts are that whoever is doing this has found out how to summon Bill."

Everyone's eyes widen at the mention of Bill, but my eyes hold shock for a different reason. "Just how did Ford figure it out? The deaths aren't linked in anyway....Unless he's referring to me killing two members of the cipher wheel." I thought to myself.

"What makes you think that grunlke Ford?" I question out loud.

"This killer only needs one more life to take. The fact that this killer killed two members of the cipher will speak for itself. So, in order to prevent such a thing from happening, Stan and I will find this killer and turn him or her over to the police."

Everyone nods their head in understanding as the two prepare to leave. "And no one is allowed to leave for any reason. Do I make myself clear?" Stan said rather sternly.

I sigh heavily while everyone else nods. They walk out the front door, leaving Wendy, Soos, Mable, and me.

"Soooooooo....duck detective?"

Wendy drys her tears and stands up. "I c-can't right now....I have to plan h-his funeral." She whispers, her voice cracking.

"And I have to talk with Candy and Grenda like we promised." Mable said while standing up and walking into her room.

"Oh...alright." Soos said sadly.

I watch as the two leave with a smirk on my lips. I glance at Soos as I stand. "Hey Soos, remember how we used to be dino bros?" I ask.

"Yeah, dude! It was so much fun....you know before the fight we had and almost being killed -"

"Right, right. How would you like to be killer hunters?"

"That would be awesome! It's been a while since I've been on an adventure."

"You didn't understand what I asked. Would you like to come with me to find the killer? Stan and Ford are too old to do it alone."

"Uh...I don't know, man, Stan did say not to leave no matter what." Soos points out with uncertainty.

"Oh come oooon Soos! They'll thank us for catching them!" I answer back.

"Well....if you say so! I trust you, Dipper."

"Great! Just let me get a few things, and we'll be on our way." I said while turning to leave the room.

"Hehe, things just got interesting.", Bill hums.

I chuckle while walking up the stairs to my room. "They have...yes they have."

■■■■

Mable POV

I sigh as I lay back in my bed, petting waddles with my good hand. I still can't believe that Dipper did that to me....he changed ever since that day. I blame myself for everything....I was drunk and just wanted to be cool. I can never forgive myself for that.

I sit up, hearing the door open to my room. It's Wendy. She's been down and out since Robbie was killed. She mentioned how he never came home last night but didn't think too much of it. I always thought Robbie and Tembery would last....I wonder what happened.

"Hey, uh Mable, have you seen dipper? I want him to look after the shack while I make a quick run. Soos isn't here either, so...." She trialed on.

"Huh?! But Stan said not to leave....should we tell them?"

She shrugs, "eh maybe...I'm sure they're safe."

But I don't believe it. Something feels off... really off. Dipper is different, far darker than he was back then. I never knew that he got the Cipher wheel on his back...I would sometimes hear him whispering in his room in the middle of the night. I don't know if it's me or the Mable juice, but Dipper isn't... dipper.

I hear Stan and Ford enter my room with a strange expression.....fear? "Grunlke Stan? Grunlke Ford? What's the matter?"

"No time to explain. Where's Dipper and Soos? We looked all over the shake but couldn't find them. We were hoping they were in here..." Ford said while nervously looking around my room.

"I don't know. I saw them walking into the forest through the window, just thought they were going to help you two find the murderer." I point out while smiling.

"Uh kid... we already know who the murderer is." Stan said in disbelief.

"Well, say it, old man." Wendy said in an impatient tone.

"Dipper. He's the killer." Ford finally said, his voice full of dread.

Wendy laughs as if it was a joke, but the look on my grunlkes faces says it all. The feeling in my chest grew heavier. How could my twin brother..be a killer?

I feel tears fill my eyes as I stare down at my broken wrist. "Wh-what makes you think that -"

"No time to explain! Get ready. We are leaving now before it's too late."

"What do you mean?" Wendy questions warily.

"Before Dipper brings back Bill."

□□□□

Dipper POV

As we get closer and closer to Bill's stature, the wider my smile becomes. So close...so so close...

"Aye dude, where are we going?" Soos asks while glancing around. "Isn't this where that Bill guy stature is?"

I turn around and chuckle, my vision flashing to yellow. "Yes. Yes, it is."

I can sense the fear coming off of Soos. It only makes my excitement grow. We approach his stature. I see tree veins wrapped all around his poor stature. I groan at the sight but smile as I hear Soos backing away from me.

"I don't know about this man. Dipper, I think w-we should head back..."

I chuckle, my chuckles changing to laughs, my voice becoming mixed with Bill's. "Sorry, question mark! But pinetree has other things planned."

I drop my bag, pulling out a pistol I took from my father before leaving for gravity falls. I turn around, aiming the gun right in between his eyes. "Dino bros... yeah, sure, when I was twelve. But things are different now....very different. Think about it this way! Your sacrifice will soon bring me happiness!"

Soos eyes begin to fill with tears, which only makes me laugh more. "Dipper, you can't do this, dude! Wh-what about your family?...you can't do this to us!"

"Family?....Bill is my only family." I frown before shooting him, killing him instantly.

I watch his eyes roll back as blood spats on my face. I place my gun back into my bag, picking up Bill's stature and placing it in the middle of an open space. I pull out a can of blue spray paint, drawing a huge circle around it. I then draw a star, the corners over the star with circles on the tips. I reach back into my back for the jars and 5 candles and a lighter.

I quickly place the jars and candles inside the circles on the tips of the star. I quickly open each jar, lighting up the candles. I watch as the red flame quickly turns blue. I stand before my art, my hard work finally paying off.

My smile disappears as I hear my name being called. I ignore it, holding my arms in the air as the palms of my hands glow with blue flames. "L-T-O-L-O-X-A! His time has come to rise! I invoke the ancient power that Bill has returned!!" I shout to the top of my lungs as my body begins to float from the ground.

"We're too late...." I hear Ford whisper in grief.

I watch as Bill's stature begins to float from the ground as the souls merge with it. The sky darkens, and reality freezes, turning to black and white. A bright yellow glow comes from the stature, causing everyone's eyes to shut tightly. Once everything settles down, I'm greeted by the voice I've yearned to hear from outside my head after all these years.

"Oh, gravity falls, it is good to be back! What is this? The second time?"

[nightmarexdove]

SA victim! Reader × RE8 Chris redfield

Note: Made this honestly for myself, been struggling allot emotionally and mentally and I really just needed to write something to give me comfort. I decided to share this in hopes of giving others struggling with similar situations a comfort as well! :') I do want to apologize if this writing comes off as rude or ignorant in any kind of way, I've mainly used my own experiences to tailor this together but I've tried to use universal language to make it feel more personal to the reader. I hope you guys enjoy 💞

The day you opened up to him about your assault or rape was when you were having a particularly bad day in your head, you were having flashbacks of that very moment that ruined you for the rest of your life. Your depression, anger and confusion hit you like a train. You didn't want to be around anyone, not even the man who was trying so hard that day to get you to open up about what was getting you so down. But for whatever the reason maybe, you just couldn't. He worked during what felt like, every damn day of the week, he had enough on his plate. Plus, fear and apprehension was keeping you radio silent the longest. What if he just rolled his eyes, laughed and didn't believe you? Then what? Your relationship wouldn't be the same or just wouldnt exist anymore at all so you thought anyways. Chris would leave you in a heartbeat, no questions asked.

"Baby no- I'm sorry, I can for a fact guarantee you are talking out your ass right now. It's written all over your face."

You could imagine him, you could imagine him saying those very words and right there and then everything you've built with him over the years would fall apart in mere seconds.

I could imagine that in reality, he'd be always ready to talk no matter what or how he's feeling. Because right now, he could matter less. trying to offer you comfort in the forms of snacks, blankets hugs and kisses.

What alarmed him was when you'd force yourself out of his embrace, when you'd stay away from the comforts that you may have typically enjoyed.

He'd be worried sick alright, calling Claire for advice on how he could better help you and maybe get a idea of what your silent struggles where about lately.

You'd sit with him after a few days, and he'd listen face to face with you ears eyes and thoughts all devoted to you, his angel.

"Oh hun...I'm so so sorry, I should have been less pushy. I'm so sorry."

He'd whisper in a quiet, softer voice. Letting you throw yourself at him for a tight hug, all he could feel was- hurt. He felt hurt seeing you hurt, especially THIS hurt. He may not be able to fully understand your pain, but he empathizes and wants nothing more than to take care of you in any way he could.

You want a bubble bath? Say less, your his number one priority.

Takeout from your favorite place, he's getting something from there too.

Or if you just want to vent about it, if you just need his undying attention then so be it.

He'd listen to you all day, keeping you wrapped in his enormous arms safe against his chest and safe in the four walls of your shared space.

"You are so so strong sweetheart, so brave and stronger than you think. I'd say, your stronger than me and my men, your safe here and I'll make sure it stays like that. If you ever need to talk, you know you'll have me, whatever you need."

He'd reassure you in that warm voice of his, like honey his words fell from his lips if you needed to cry or already crying, He'd keep you held close against him, letting you get everything out.

If you needed sometime in therapy, Chris would search for the best place money could buy. He wanted you to feel well, to feel cared and loved and thought about.

I could imagine him to be a VERY patient man, if you were having a flashback that day or just very upset and angry he'd understand and let you express your needs. Weather through writing them down gesturing, or just out right telling him. He'll let you decide and be right with you to support your health and mind.

If there were certain things that especially reminded you of the time, Chris would ask you to either tell him or write it down so that way he'll know to not bring it up or bring a said object near you just to give an example.

If you liked to draw, paint or bake or just chill and watch movies. He'd definetly do these activities with you whenever he's available, he'd definitely check in with you more than previously either texting calling or just asking in person. He knows this is a very delicate moment and time for you, so he'll keep tabs on you 24/7.

When he's away and on duty for work, I can imagine him going to Leon and asking if he could find for him any Intel on your abuser. And during his time away from home, he'd make it his personal mission to find and take care of the waste of air who hurt his precious sunshine.

[valkyyriia]

Pokes

Arthur with the sick prompt (and tchai) preferably pre-relationship >:))

The Adventure of the Doctor's Orders

Words: 644 CW: None | SFW Tags: Sickfic, OC x Suitor Prompt: Arthur + Sick Pairing: Arthur / Tchaikovsky (Koco's OC) (Pre-Relationship)

OC: Pyetrovna Ilyich Tchaikovsky

Note: The title for this one is subject to change. I can't think of anything better but I'm not happy with it either haha.

I hope I did Tchai justice, Koco!

It started with a sniffle.

The sniffle turned into a cough.

Arthur wasn't worried, no; why would he be? Arthur hardly worried about a thing (if you were to believe his words, anyway). The way his mouth would go dry and his hands would shake every time Tchaikovsky's body convulsed with cough was purely coincidental.

Vampires hardly ever get sick, Comte told him once. They were also incredibly difficult to kill. Even the lesser vampires were more resilient than a human, albeit less so than the purebloods.

The rational thought in Arthur's brain told him it was nothing serious. Every logical part of him screamed that he had nothing to worry about.

Yet the emotional part of Arthur that he tried so hard to keep at bay wouldn't hear of it.

What if it was something serious? Tchai was sickly, wasn't she? Something didn't quite click when she was revived, and her ailments continued to plague her. It could be she had also somehow not gotten the vampiric super-healing and-

No.

Arthur stopped himself there.

It did him no good to dwell on such thoughts.

"Luv, are you okay?" Arthur asked, his concern evident in his voice. He looked at Tchai, his blue eyes scanning the girl's frame analytically. He took note of the abnormally strong shivers wracking the girl's body and how she was paler than usual. Small details, sure, but to Arthur's experienced eye, they were as obvious as a lighthouse on a clear night at sea.

Fever.

"I'm fine," Tchai argued.

"You certainly are not," Arthur replied, walking closer to her. He took his glove off and pressed the back of his hand to her forehead, checking Tchai's temperature.

Just as he expected - she was warm and her skin was clammy to the touch.

Arthur clicked his tongue. "You shouldn't be walking around like this. Off to bed with you." He shooed her back towards her room.

Tchai tried to protest, but realized quickly that it was futile. Arthur wouldn't hear a word of it.

The blatant, unhidden display of concern was enough to cause Tchai's eyes to water. She didn't think any of the residents would care enough about her to worry if she was feeling under the weather. She blinked back tears, determined not to cry in front of Arthur.

Despite her best efforts, a couple of tears slipped out. If Arthur noticed, he didn't say anything.

Arthur walked them straight over to Tchai's bedroom door and opened it, pushing her into her room with a light hand on the back.

"Go on. Get yourself comfortable. I won't look, even if you ask me to," Arthur joked, though his grin lacked some of its usual cheer.

Tchai tried to laugh, but it quickly turned into a cough.

"Strict bedrest. Doctor's orders," Arthur chided. "You're lovely, Tchai, truly; but I don't want to see you up and about until this fever's broken." He pointed a warning finger at her, slipping his glove back on and moving to head out the door.

She made a small noise of protest. Arthur popped his head back in the room. "Now, now, no need to miss me that much; I've hardly been gone for ten seconds! I'm going to get a couple of things while you're getting yourself back in bed."

When Arthur returned, Tchai had changed back into her nightclothes. Arthur placed a bowl of soup on the bedside table alongside a bottle of Rouge.

"Eat this, and drink that," he told her. "And then go to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."

After ensuring she followed his instructions, Arthur settled at Tchai's desk, his latest manuscript in hand. He wasn't entirely certain why he felt the need so strongly to reassure himself Tchai would be okay, but regardless, he would do his part.

Arthur promised himself he wouldn't lose her.

Taglist: @natimiles Banners/Dividers by @natimiles

Let me know if you'd like to be added!

[msmargaretmurry]

I'll gladly ask to be graced with more of your incredible writing! For the writing meme, could I request "things you didn’t say at all" for mattdrai? Please and thank you <3

man, i asked for these writing prompts and then immediately got my ass kicked for a week and haven’t gotten to any of them yet 😂 i promise i didn’t forget, it’s just going to be slow-going here for a while. (also, thank you! <3)

It’s worse, actually, Leon thinks, to get farther and then lose. Get knocked out early and at least you know you didn’t stand a chance. Get deep into the second round and you start thinking this might be the year. Get back to the conference final and you start to feel it in your bones. Get to game seven of the conference final, well, then you know, you just know that if you win that game you’ll finally, finally go all the way.

He’s pictured it so many times. Saucing the puck across the ice to land right on Connor’s stick. The game-winning pass, series-winning goal. The mayhem after, the hugs, the screaming and crying. The weight of the Cup in his hands, the cool metal against his lips.

Except they didn’t win the game, and just like that it’s the off-season again.

It’s well past midnight by the time Leon gets home. Always hard to convince himself to leave the locker room after the last game. Hard to think that it’s his last moment with the boys before everyone starts cleaning out their stalls and heading home for the summer. Hard to leave Connor, with his dead-eyed disappointment, cradling his broken hand like a baby bird. It’s been busted for a week, but they weren’t supposed to acknowledge it. Can’t let onto your weak spots in the playoffs.

In some past years, some of them have gone for a drink after the season-ending loss, or gathered at Connor’s to numb the pain of another failure of a season together. This year no one seemed even up for that. They hugged, told each other good season, and went home to their families. Bowie counts as family.

Leon’s phone is ringing. He is so tempted not to answer it, but they’ve talked about that. He’s grateful it’s not a video call. They’ve talked about that, too.

“Talk fast, I’m tired,” he says when he answers, even though he’s nowhere near ready for bed. He flopped onto the couch when he got home; Bowie fell asleep on top of him, and so he hasn’t moved since. Doesn’t really feel like moving. 

“Hey,” Matthew says. “Sorry about the game.”

“No you’re not,” Leon says. Matthew does not dignify that with a response. “Shouldn’t you be asleep?” Both of them stick to a pretty strict schedule during the playoffs. They haven’t actually spoken in weeks. Can’t afford to lose focus, not that it helped in the end anyway. Well, not for Leon. It’s still working great for Matthew.

“Travel day tomorrow,” Matthew says. “I can nap on the plane if I need to.”

Leon doesn’t really have anything to say to that. He smooths his hand over Bowie’s back, scratches his ears. The dog snuffles but doesn’t wake up, his steady little breaths warm against Leon’s chest.

No, Leon does have a response. The response is: I’m so fucking jealous I feel like I might throw up. Or: do you really think you deserve this chance more than me? You already had it once. Why isn’t it my turn? But none of those are things he’ll be glad he said in the morning. Contrary to popular belief, he can hold his tongue when he wants to. Usually.

Matthew is going to invite him down to Florida, he just knows it. Maybe not right now, maybe tomorrow, but soon, anyway. He’ll give his spiel about great weather, about guest rooms and plenty of space, and sure his family is there too but no one will make a big deal out of it. No one will expect Leon to go to games; he can just float in the pool all day, and, fuck, what Leon wouldn’t give to spend the next week in bed, tangled up with Matthew and forgetting about the rest of the world, but that’s not how any of this works. He’s either going to see Matthew in a couple weeks, both of them miserable, or not see him for months because he’s too eaten up inside with envy to be in the same room as him.

Matthew says, “Well, I just wanted to check on you, but I won’t keep you up.”

Leon lets out a long, long, long breath.

“Okay,” he says. “Thanks for calling.”

“Of course. Talk to you soon.”

Good luck, Leon should say, but he can’t get it off his tongue.

“Yeah,” he says. “Talk to you soon.”

[nidianddeepspace]

The Tale of the Hoodie Thief

❥ Xavier x OC ❥ An OC remembering loving moments with the Star Baby ❥ stealing your beloved's hoodie, wearing it because it smells like them, FLUFF FLUFFITY FLUFF FLUFF FLUFF ❥ College/University AU, the (my) MC and Xavier as University Students

Hoodies - an essential part of anyone's wardrobe and doubly so for the college student that chooses comfort over everything else. It's a simple garment - you just throw it on, decide if you want to wear the hood or not, and bask in the warm comfort of the fabric before going on with the rest of your day.

I am no stranger to hoodies. Back then, half my closet was filled with them, a range of colors and styles that were sure to impress any and all comfort-focused fashionistas. But there was one particular hoodie I loved more than the others - a pink cashmere hoodie my auntie gifted me last Christmas. I didn't wear it very often, but when I did, I felt like I was the walking epitome of luxury loungewear elegance. Now granted, I didn't know if that was an actual thing, but I didn't care either. I felt what I felt.

So when I realized that it was missing the afternoon I was suppose to hang out with you for a bit, I was exasperated and heartbroken. No matter how many times I rummaged through my closet, I just couldn't find it. I was so upset that my room, usually very neat with everything in it's place, resembled the aftermath of a fashion explosion. I want to curl up into a tiny ball and cry 'til I had no more tears. If I had plans to meet up with anyone else, I would have ghosted them due to my grief. But since it was you, I pressed on.

If there was anyone who could comfort me about my missing hoodie, Xavier, it was you.

As I walked to your dorm, trying to keep it together, it began to rain. But I wasn't about to let some water further ruin my day - I was prepared. As I opened up my umbrella, I started thinking about that night we got caught in a rainstorm on the way home from the arcade. Our good time was washed away by the relentless downpour which neither of us were ready for.

"This is BS! I'm so sorry, Xavier." We rushed through the streets as fast as we could, pelted my the largest droplets of rain I'd ever seen. "At this rate, the both of us are going to get sick."

"It's okay, your dorm isn't that far."

"Yeah, but we're already drenched as it is. This is my fault, I should have checked the weather before we left."

"Don't worry about it, it's fine." Even in the middle of a thunderstorm, you were still so calm and collected. "Try not to worry too much."

Soon, we were rushing into my dorm room, huddling up together to keep warm. You sprung into action, grabbing towels from my closet, helping me to dry off. The rain hadn't washed away the scent of your cologne, and I could smell that faint scent of the forest and the musk as you used one towel to dry off my hair and shoulders. If you wanted to, you could have heard my heart fluttering, so painfully aware of how close we were.

"Y-You don't have to do this," I stammered, looking away. I hoped you didn't see the crimson spreading across my face. "Besides, you need to get that hoodie off you. I wonder if any of the dryers on my floor are free."

"I'll be fine. Don't worry about me."

"Too late for that." I'm always worried about you. I care about you so much, can't you see that? I didn't dare say those words aloud. "Anyway, aren't you afraid of getting sick. We have that big test next week."

"if I get sick, I just won't go to class. I can study on my own and if I ask you nicely, you're share your notes with me, right?"

"Well yes, but..."

"Then I've got it covered. So please, don't worry." He smiled as he finished dry my hair, tossing the towel side. "I don't like it when you worry."

"Ah...well, you can stay here until it stops raining. In the mean time, at take off your hoodie and grab one of mine from the closet."

You arched an eyebrow. "One of your hoodies? Would they even fit me?"

"Don't look at me like that, of course they will fit you. Most, if not all my hoodies are oversized. Just pick one and give it back to me later. I'll go see if I can wash and dry your hoodie, hopefully the machines are free."

I came to a complete stop just steps away from your door. It was all coming back to me - you'd left before I'd had a chance to see what hoodie you chose. You sent me a text letting know you were really tired so you had to go. I thought nothing of it at the time. I washed and dried your hoodie, I gave it back to you a few days later, and we went back to the arcade the following weekend.

Realization hit me like a freaking bus.

No...you couldn't have done that...right? No, you...wait...did...did you?

Xavier, did you actually grab my pink cashmere hoodie?!

There was only one way to find out.

(To Be Continued)

[ahordeofwasps]

Find the Word Tag

I've been tagged by the amazing @space-writes! Thanks for the tag! My words are travel, away, home and sleep. I'll be sharing excerpts from Crying Wolf!

But first, the no pressure tags! I'll be tagging @talesofsorrowandofruin, @sarandipitywrites, @notwritinganyflufftoday, @tabswrites, and open tag! Your words are embark, dark, spark, and mark!

Now, onto Crying Wolf!

Travel & Sleep

“What brings you to this hamlet?” Ogwut asked. He held his mug of ale pinched between two fingers. Every now and then, he would bring the mug up underneath his cowl and have a sip, draining it dry. He had to refill his mug between every sip. Ciro shrugged. “Just looking for work, I guess,” he answered, staring into his half-empty mug. There was a scream. He took a large gulp of his ale and looked up at Ogwut. “Uh… what about you?” “I’m a minstrel,” Ogwut said, “Travelling suits me.” Ciro nodded. Another rabbit screamed. “Right,” he said, looking back down at his ale. “So… uh… nice weather we’re having.” Ogwut beamed. “Yes, it has been! Yesterday was delightful! I spent a long time staring at the Sun! It was most revitalizing.” Ciro frowned. “Uhh… okay,” he said. The conversation was dying. This was not how friends were made. At least, not from what Ogwut observed of the process. He needed to find some kind of common ground. Something to spark a lively discussion. “Are there any revitalizing activities that you enjoy?” “I sleep?”

Away

The space was too cramped and there was no way Ogwut could move fast enough to escape. So, he did the only thing he could. He shot out his hand, blocking Chadwick and pushing him away. “Back! Back, I tell you! Please, for your own sake, back!” he shouted. The constant chatter of the tavern quieted as dozens of eyes gawked at him and Chadwick both. Ogwut hoped that someone would intervene. That someone would peel Chadwick away and let him leave in peace. But he knew better. No one ever intervened. They only watched, too awestruck to do anything until it was too late.

Home

“So, you had a bit of an unfortunate encounter with some wolves. They killed you and dragged your body to their ‘den,’ which is here. I used to let a wolf pack live here as they made good company! But then they brought you here! A human! Dead, but with your brain intact! Even better company! The wolves brought a potential friend home! It’s been over six hundred and six years since I had a friend. Anyways, I terminated the wolves. Most of your body was in terrible condition - many of your internal organs were unsalvageable. But that was okay! Your brain was salvageable! I mean, the cells were pretty much dead, but they were all there! You humans are always so delicate. So, with your old body being absolutely useless, I built you a new body! A better body! A body that doesn’t need to breathe oxygen! And now I’ve got your brain all patched up and alive, you’re alive! You can be my friend! Will you be my friend?”

[deke-rivers-1957]

Scott Finds Himself

We enter on a chemistry lab where 25 year old Scott Heyward's being badgered by the head of his father's engineering team.

"Scott please let us handle it. We don’t need your father worrying about you working with chemicals."

"But it's just this one experiment. I can handle it."

"Yes but we’re his employees. You should be telling us what you want done."

"I want something that's waterproof."

He sighs and sits down in a chair.

"What have you tried so far?"

"Well, I tried some synthetic polymers, but the water-based solvents broke them down instantly."

"Have you tried working with calcium hydroxide? It has its uses in construction when making mortar."

"Yeah, but I had to use so much that it made the glue too hard and brittle."

He writes that down in his notes.

"Did it become hydrophilic?"

"Yeah and I want the stuff to repel water."

"Too porous then. You need to create a chemical compound that’s airtight."

"That's how I see it. The problem is finding the right chemical bond - something that would make it waterproof but pliable, not rigid."

He looks up from his notes.

"And why pliable? If you were to apply it to the hull of a motorboat it would have to sustain the choppy waters."

"That's why it has to be pliable - rigid chemicals would just crack and leak water inside. It would have to bend and move with the hull during the roughest weather."

"So you need a glue that can actually change its shape so to speak so it can continue to displace the water."

"Yeah, that's exactly what I'm talking about."

He goes over his notes and tries to come up with a plan.

"Now do you have a list of supplies that you need for your next experiment?"

"Oh, yeah, right here."

He reads it and clicks his tongue a couple times. 

"It’s going to be hard to convince your father to advance our team the money."

"Let me worry about that."

"Right."

He hands the list back and Scott walks up to his father's office.

"Daddy, can I talk to you for a minute, please?"

"Dag nabbit son how many a yer trials have ya done? Surely ya had to have figure it out by now."

"I'm working on it, dad, I really am. It's just that this problem is really hard to solve."

"Fine come in an sit down."

Scott sits down in a chair in front of his father's desk.

"Son when do ya plan on havin this gimmick done anyway? If yer gonna play scientist an spend my money I need results."

"I want to have this waterproof glue ready in three weeks."

His dad sighs and starts writing a check.

"Fine 3 weeks. But no more. I don’t wanna hear ya crying to me again about how your experiment failed for the 100th time."

"Thank you, Dad."

Time Skip

2 years have passed and Scott Heyward has been working feverishly in his lab to find a waterproof glue. He is working at a table full of experimental materials and equipment. His hair is unkempt, he has dark circles under his eyes, and he is obviously exhausted and in a bad mood. 

"I just need this to work."

He mixes two chemicals together to see if he has something. The two chemicals form a thick, opaque substance that is both sticky and pliable. Scott is excited and immediately takes it to his father.

"Dad! Dad wake up!"

He startles awake.

"Doggone it son it’s 6 am!"

"Sorry, Dad, but I have good news!"

"Yer finally done playin scientist?"

"I have it, Dad! I finally have it!"

He sighs and starts getting out of bed.

"Well go on and put it on a boat if ya got it."

They drive over to the boat harbor. Scott plans on testing his glue on an old boat.

"I'll start racing this boat for a few minutes to see if it can handle high speeds in the water."

"Fine."

Scott drives off and slowly works up to maximum speed. The boat moves through the choppy water and seems to be repelling the water. It's not leaking from any of the seams. Scott is even more excited now.

"I got it! Let's see if it'll last."

After a few minutes the boat suddenly starts taking on water. 

"What the...?"

"Son get outta the boat!"

Scott hops out of the boat just in time. It sinks immediately. Scott has completely lost hope. He swims back to shore feeling angry, frustrated, and upset. He can't believe his glue failed.

"Dammit! I thought that *expletive* glue would work!"

Scott swears up a storm until his father puts a hand on his shoulder.

"Son take a break. Get yerself a shower an some sleep."

He is still angry and upset but he tries to calm down. 

"I tried so hard, and it ended just like it always does - with failure."

"Don't worry bout it. I’ll get the dock manager to fish out the rust bucket."

He starts walking with Scott back to the car.

"I sure ain’t no scientist but even I know things break when it’s stressed. And that’s what yer gonna do if ya don’t take a break."

"You're right, Dad, I need to get some sleep."

"Get in the car, I’ll drive us home."

"Yeah, that sounds good."

He starts to drive away from the docks.

"Son I think it’s time ya find yerself a nice woman an settle down."

Scott seems surprised and taken aback by this statement. 

"What?"

"I ain’t gonna be round forever boy. I want some grandkids while I’m still young enough to enjoy them."

"But, I don't even have a girlfriend!"

"That there’s my point. Got yerself holed up in the lab instead a finding a woman."

He laughs. 

"Maybe you're right."

Scott yawns and closes his eyes for a few seconds. 

"So, what if I meet a girl? What then?"

"It works out, ya marry her an get me some grandkids."

"I understand that part, but what if I can't get a girl to marry me?"

Scott's father looks at him. 

"My god yer sleep deprived."

"Yeah. I'm so tired."

"See now that’s another reason why ya need a woman son."

He laughs again. 

"She'd probably leave after the first night."

"A good one’ll drag ya to bed."

Scott raises an eyebrow.

"I'm not gonna get dragged to bed by anyone, Dad."

"That’s how I know ya ain’t ever met a woman."

He snickers. 

"What do you know about women?"

"I had you didn’t I."

"Oh yeah. Good point."

Time Skip

Scott takes his dad's advice and drives around town, feeling out of his element and unsure of where to start. He drives by several crowded bars and restaurants where young people seem to be having a good time. He is tempted to ask one of them for advice but can't find the courage to do it. 

"Hey."

He's startled by the sudden appearance of a biker and looks up at him. 

"Um...hello."

"Sick ride."

He laughs nervously. 

"Yeah...thanks."

The biker remains sitting on his motorcycle smoking a cigarette. 

"Plannin on goin inside or takin in the scenery?"

He is irritated by the man's attitude. This biker isn't making him feel any better about his nerves. 

"I was just trying to figure out where to go to meet people."

"Why too tired of the same ol golf clubs?"

He's getting angrier by the minute. 

"What's it to you, buddy?"

"Yer on my turf pal. I know everyone and I can smell the silver spoon from here."

His face turns into a scowl. 

"Listen pal, I don't want any trouble. Now I think it's time you moved along."

"Ya think I’m scared? You’re a cream puff compared to the guys in Huntsville."

The guy has a sarcastic grin that's really getting under Scott's skin, but Scott's getting tired of being afraid of everyone he meets. 

"Let's see how tough you are without your bike."

"That a challenge?"

He gets even madder. 

"Oh yeah, it's a challenge."

Scott is clearly nervous, but he's determined to make this guy back down. 

"Put 'em up, pal. We're going to see how tough you really are."

"Sounds good to me in fact I’ll spot ya a free hit. Make it good."

Despite being nervous as hell, he balls his fists tight and steps up to the guy to take his shot. He swings wildly and lands a punch right on the guy's nose.

"Oof!"

He falls to the ground and Scott has no idea what he just did. He's still filled with adrenaline and anger but he starts to realize that he just hit the guy - hard. This isn't how things were supposed to go. He starts to panic and feels like he just made a big mistake.

"That all ya got?"

He starts to back up. The guy has finally gotten to him and he doesn't know why he ever picked this fight. The guy starts to get up and is clearly pissed.

"All right look, it was a mistake. I'm sorry. I think we should just call it even, okay?"

"Buy me a drink first."

Scott's relieved that the conversation seems to be taking a less-violent turn. 

"Um, okay. Um...what do you want?"

"Bottle a tequila."

"Yeah yeah. I can do that. Come on let's go inside."

They go into the bar and Scott buys the man a drink. He gets the tequila and goes back over to the biker. 

"Here you go and I really am sorry."

He takes a big swig. 

"Now what’s a cream puff like you doing in two bit honky tonk?"

"Well, I'm trying to meet girls, but I've never done this before and it's hard to approach them. And to be honest, I don’t really know what to even say."

He hits Scott in the shoulder.

"Get a couple drinks in ya. That’ll fix ya up."

"You really think so?"

"Better than moping on yer ass all night."

"You got a point." 

He takes a big swig of the tequila. 

"This stuff tastes horrible."

"What’s the matter yer lordship? Too much champagne ruin yer tastebuds?"

He laughs. The tequila is hitting hard and he can feel himself relaxing a little. 

"No, you're right. I'll take it like a man. Another shot, please." 

He downs his shot and grins.

Time Skip

They both start feeling pretty buzzed and Scott's starting to relax more now. He's never experienced this kind of "party" environment before and he is enjoying himself. 

"Look, I gotta say, I'm having a really good time."

"Yer a lightweight if that’s all it takes to get ya going."

He laughs again, he feels like he's losing his mind. He doesn't care that this guy keeps making fun of him, he feels free and happy. It's a completely new feeling for him. 

"You're so right. You know, I've never even really had anyone make fun of me like this before. This is fun."

"Hey don’t look now but ya got a couple birds eyeing ya up."

Scott looks over and sees a couple of cute girls staring his way and laughs to himself. He turns back to the biker dude. 

"Did I really get girls looking my way or are you just messing with me?"

"Hell no. They can smell the money coming from ya."

Scott can't contain his excitement and laughs even harder. He grabs the biker dude's arm and pulls him into his confidence like an old buddy. 

"Damn, dude, you're right. Maybe tonight's not such a bust after all. But do you really think I have a shot with them?"

"If they know what’s good for em."

"You're right. I'm gonna go for it. You mind if I ditch you?"

"Fly away and be free Howard Hughes."

Scott walks up to the girls and tries to act as natural as possible. He knows the biker dude is probably watching him and waiting to see how it unfolds.

"Come with us Mr Heyward!"

"What the...?" 

The girls are already dragging him to the back room and start taking his shirt off. He isn't quite as relaxed as he was when he was in the bar with the biker guy, but he's going with it even though his heart is pounding out of his chest. The girls take his pants off too, and everything is happening so quickly. His head starts to spin.

"We’ll take care of ya Mr Heyward."

He is not quite sure what is going on and is completely surprised that the girls' interest in him has escalated quite so quickly. The girls are all over him, caressing his body and kissing him all over. He tries to relax and go with it.

"You haven't had a soft touch in a long time. But we'll be gentle."

It surprises him to have a girl's hand rub him in an arousing way and he starts to like it. Scott's a bit nervous and overwhelmed, but he's starting to enjoy himself immensely.

"Oh! Ohhh! Oh!"

After a while Scott passes out for the night feeling content.

Time Skip

After many months of dating one of the girls Scott still isn't sure if she's only interested in him for his dad's money. One day he's lying in bed and watches her come in.

"Honey. I gotta ask you something?"

"What is it?"

"Well do you only like me for my father's money or-"

She cuts Scott off by kissing him.

"Does that help?"

"Yeah. Yeah."

They go back to making out for a while until they lie in bed together.

"Honey. Will you marry me?"

"Oh my goodness yes! We’re going to have a wonderful honeymoon together! I can just see it now."

He looks at her enthusiastically, excited by her response. He is already dreaming of the future, but he just can't ignore one nagging feeling: that she's interested in what he can do for her and she isn't necessarily in love with him for who he is as as person.

Time Skip

Scott's still working long hours in the lab, trying to perfect his new glue. He's starting to become obsessed with it, spending day and night trying to create the perfect adhesive.

"Son what’re ya doing up so late? Ya got a wedding in the morning."

He looks up startled by his father's presence. He was entirely absorbed in what he was working on.

"I'm trying to perfect this adhesive. You know how important this is to me."

"Too important. This has gone on long enough and I haven’t seen any results. I’ve had enough. After the wedding I’m ending your experiment."

"Nooooo...."

He starts to beg and plead with his father. 

"I'm getting so close. This could be the most important glue project ever, and I'm so close to the perfect formula. I just need another day, that's all. Please?"

"Son I’ve been losing money hand over fist because you wanna play scientist. I’ve given ya chance after chance to make somethin happen an it didn’t. It’s time ya learn when somethin just can’t be done."

"But I'm telling you, I can do it! All I need is a little more time. I'm on the verge of a major breakthrough!"

"3 years is time enough and yer exactly where ya started. I’m putting an end to this."

Scott's filled with frustration and his eyes start to well up. His father's so unfair and he doesn't understand why he won't give his own son more time to finish what he started. He feels like the entire world is against him.

"Son ya gotta understand that it ain’t healthy to be working on the same thing for so long. Even my science team don’t work through nights like you do. Ya really wanna be holed up in the lab when yer gonna have a beautiful wife soon?"

"All right...I guess you're right. I guess it is time to quit."

"Atta boy son. Now ya best go off to bed. Gonna be an early morning."

He sighs and gets up from the lab, feeling defeated. He knows his father is right, but he also feels a deep sense of sadness that he won't be able to complete his project. He walks over to the bathroom to get ready for bed, wondering what life has in store for him now.

"Somebody’s getting the jitters."

He feels his fiancee kiss his cheek. Scott smiles and kisses her back trying to put on a brave face. 

"Yeah, you're right. I'm definitely getting a little anxious. But if everything goes the way it's supposed to, I'll be so excited and happy tomorrow night that all these jitters will be forgotten."

"Well we’ll be married in the morning and then day after that we’ll be in Paris for our honeymoon."

"God, it sounds so surreal when you actually say it out loud. In 24 hours, we'll be husband and wife. I mean, it's amazing, isn't it?" 

He takes her hand into his and starts to stroke her fingers with his thumb, feeling a warm sensation wash over him.

"I can just see the boutiques and the fanciest pastries in the world. It’s like a dream."

He realizes she's so focused on the superficial elements of the wedding and honeymoon and is not thinking about anything else. He decides not to bring any of this up now, because he doesn't want to spoil this moment for her.

"Do you think we’ll have time to go to the French Riviera?"

"Oh I don't know. Nothing would be more romantic than Paris. And we could make it even more romantic if we really set our minds to it. If we really set our minds to it, we could make Paris look like a walk in the park."

"How much do you think it would all cost? 10? 20 thousand?"

"Money my dear is no object."

"That's amazing! We can go to every bistro in Paris if we wanted to."

He realizes the effect that his comment has had on her. For a moment, he is stunned by her genuine excitement. He realizes that the idea of him spending as much money as possible on her really turns her on. This makes him sad on the inside that this is when he finds out she only wants money. 

"Well go on to bed. I gotta take a drive to relax."

"I can wait up for you. I wouldn’t want you to be late for our wedding."

"It's okay, I just need some time to myself to clear my head. I can't sleep anyway. I need a little time to think...and maybe get some fresh air, that's all."

"Ok."

She nods and he kisses her goodnight. Maybe he should just call the wedding off. His thoughts are spinning in his head. He heads out to the car.

"I need to get away from all this."

He drives off slowly and after a while pulls back into the parking lot of the honky tonk where he met the biker dude many months earlier. He had a feeling he should be here, though he wasn't sure why. Instead of going inside, he sits in his car for a while and tries to gather his thoughts.

"Never thought I’d see you again cream puff."

He looks up and sees the biker dude in the corner of his eyes. He feels kind of embarrassed to see him because he feels like the biker dude probably thinks he's a weak loser after the encounter they had last time he visited this place.

"I want to talk to you."

"Oh I’m so honored my liege."

He rolls his eyes, sensing the sarcasm. He doesn't take it to heart because he's not in the best mood anyway. His mind and his heart are at odds with each other and he's struggling just to get what he needs to say out. 

"Listen. One of the women I met here months ago only wanted my dad’s money. I’m supposed to marry her tomorrow."

"Why’d ya propose if ya don’t like it?"

He shrugs and downs a couple shots of tequila. This isn't the easiest thing for him to say to someone outside of his family. And the biker dude is not exactly someone he would normally talk to about his feelings either.

"I was so stupid. She was so beautiful. I got caught up in the whole thing and couldn’t see what she really wanted. And now I’m about to make a huge mistake."

"So what do ya plan on doing just run away from home?"

"I can't. She's supposed to be my wife tomorrow. I don't even know why I'm telling you this. I guess I just need someone else, someone neutral, to tell me I'm doing the right thing by calling off the wedding. I should've known better but a part of me thought I could make her fall for the real me and forget about the money."

"Listen my lord you ain’t gonna find anyone in Texas that won’t know ya got money."

He shakes his head. He knows the biker dude is right, which is why he's so conflicted about where he should go from here. He's supposed to be at the most important day in his life tomorrow, and instead, he's feeling so lost and helpless. He can't believe how everything has spun out of control. He's supposed to be excited about the wedding, but all he's feeling right now is complete dread.

"What am I going to do then?"

"Ya gotta find a way to not smell like money."

He pauses for a moment, thinking about it. He realizes the biker is once again right. If he's gonna start somewhere, he's gonna have to start by changing his image. And one thing is apparent - for as long as he looks like a rich preppie, he'll always be perceived as one. And he wonders if that’s the answer - if that’s really how he needs to start over.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh please, just by looking at ya I can see cream puff written all over yer face."

He sighs and slumps his body, acknowledging the biker is right yet again. And he realizes how humiliating it must be for him to keep having to admit the biker dude is right about everything. He realizes his image can't continue if he wants to start over. 

"So how do I stop looking like such a cream puff?"

"Stay outta turtlenecks for one."

He rolls his eyes, but he doesn't resist the wisdom in the biker's advice. 

"All right, so no more turtlenecks. What else?"

"Ditch the ride or mess it up so it doesn’t look like a show room model."

He thinks for a moment, starting to take this whole transformation seriously. 

"Alright I got a plan."

"And what’s that?"

He takes a deep breath. 

"I'm gonna get a new car. Something less flashy and a little beat up so that nobody notices me. I'm gonna change my wardrobe and dress in a way that's more down to earth and a little messy."

The biker shakes his head.

"Name and face is too recognizable. Everybody in this bar knows who you are just by looking at ya."

For a moment, he feels totally deflated by the biker's words. It's as if the biker can see right through him. 

"That's true. What do I do about that? I can't change my face, I mean, that's impossible."

"Skip town. Get yerself some dough and get outta state."

He thinks about it and realizes he may not have a choice. 

"I think you're right. I think the further I go, the less likely it is someone will recognize me.

"Yeah ya might be of Heyward Oil but ya sure ain’t a Rockefeller yet."

He smiles slightly at the humor. He realizes the biker's words are totally true. His father could definitely never start over like this. He can't help but feel some admiration for the biker. He's very impressive; he really is. He's totally blunt with words, but he never says it in a mean way. And he really does seem to be genuinely trying to help him. He's kind of a cool guy. 

"So I guess that's what I'm gonna have to do then - move to a different state."

"Pops sure ain’t gonna like all the money he spent on yer wedding going to waste."

He thinks about this. He knows he's right. The wedding is just one more thing he's gonna have to walk away from. And the money that his father put into that too. But what can he honestly do about it now? You know, what if moving away is exactly what he needs to find that real relationship he knows is out there waiting for him? He can't let the cost of money stand in his way any longer. There are greater things at play than money. He just has to have the courage to break free. 

"Just gonna have to bite the bullet."

"So yer finally growing a pair."

"Not only that, I think I'm starting to grow up too. For the first time in my life, I'm realizing it's time to stop being the rich kid and to start being a man. It's time to leave my old problems behind and move ahead to the next stage of my life. It's time to finally put my dad in the mirror and face myself."

"Yer gonna take the silver spoon out of yer mouth."

"Yeah, I think it's time to do just that. You know, all this time I've been living my life the way I was brought up. I've been following the path my dad expected me to take. But now I realize it wasn't so much a path for me as it was a path to turn me into him. And I don't want to even be like my father. I want to be my own person."

As he pays for his drink, he reaches over with the $20 and touches the biker's hand with it. 

"Thank you, buddy. I really needed your advice tonight. I feel like this was the reality check I needed to set me straight. And I can't thank you enough."

"20 bucks is 20 bucks yer lordship."

"And the advice is priceless. I'm gonna pay you back one day. For now I just wanna ask you one last favor. Please don’t tell my dad that I came here."

The biker shrugs.

"It ain’t like they’d let me into the golden gates."

"Thanks, pal. You're a good guy. I really mean that."

"Ain’t so bad yerself cream puff."

He nods, smiling and shaking the biker's hand one more time. 

"Well, it's time I get going. I think it's probably best nobody sees me for a while."

"Good luck my liege."

"Same to you my dude."

He feels more confident in his new game plan as he heads out, knowing it's time to move forward with his new life. He gets into the car knowing he can always change in the morning once he's out of Texas. He's ready to put the past behind and start fresh somewhere new.

Tagging: @xanatenshi. Thank you for requesting this. I hope you like the Brendan Fraser look for Scott.

[kaddyssammlung]

BPD / C-PTSD / bad relationship dynamics in Sleep Token lyrics - Part 1

Let's take another topic that I see in the lyrics and just take a closer look.

Of course it's something that I know from my life because it's the only stuff that I ever came up with so far.

Whatever.

So you guessed it: BPD / C-PTSD / strange relationship dynamics....

TW for general mental health stuff I guess

Fields of Elation

“Nobody else can pull me out”

That idealization that I sense in that.

To someone with BPD a partner or their child or anyone can be their perfect "one and only". They are perfect end of story. They can do nothing wrong. Ever!

So only they can pull him out.

“Your name is a sin I breathe, like oxygen”

And there goes the opposite. Either he is ashamed in some way of his feelings because no one else understands them or he has his doubts about weather someone is actually good for him or not.

I do see this as “splitting” or as I usually refer to it "black and white thinking". Someone is either everything to me or they are nothing meaning that they are dead to me. And yes this can change within seconds depending on what they are doing.

Don't reply to one of my text within a certain time? Dead to me! Reply in a nice way immediately: everything to me.

This is in the past btw.

Okay maybe I still have some of that in me. I should talk in the past tense. I'm afraid that at the end of this someone will say: yo...go to therapy again. I think you need it. I had enough of that. So...Idk...just thinking out loud.

When the Bough Breaks

“even when we run with death”

It makes me think about my ex-boyfriend and how we shared some unhealthy coping mechanisms. When your answer to your intense feelings is always something unhealthy and your partner shares that with you, it does not go very well. Let's leave it at that. (I said enough about SH and stuff like that...don't feel like bringing it up again)

Calcutta

“wrapped and quartered … missing pieces find me”

Reminds me of a feeling of not knowing who you are. I don't remember much of my childhood until I was about twelve. Everything is just gone. It's dissociated from me.

“I sweat and I ache for Your eyes and the way you breath … I'm whole again”

It reminds me of relying on someone else. Not in a normal extent but more in a way that you need others to define who you are. Like I said, I don't really know who I am so I crave the attention of someone else. Especially compliments. Maybe this is one of the reason why I liked dancing and standing on the stage so much. Standing there....looking into the crowd and their cheer you and applaud and we also got standing ovations quite often.

I feel like when it comes to BPD and the arts or movies and television or music then you will find many that have that. Idk...that's just my guess.

All of this attention from someone else and he feels whole again. I get that.

Nazareth

“and I'll see you when the wrath comes”

I'm someone who will choose anger over sadness. I recently learned that this is a typical male – BPD- trait. Okay?!

Anyway....that blind rage that used to take over. I don't miss this. Not even a second I would turn into a monster. Scream, slam doors, scream at myself, hit others....myself...mostly myself but yes things happened.....That was a long time ago.

The Way That You Were

“and you think I don't notice the way that you were”

Well...there is no version of myself that I can go back to. It's not like something happened when I was already a bit older. No...a lot happened and it began in early childhood. It's devastating.

“How much did they hurt you?”

idk...let's put an example in here. I was one of those babies who would just cry for hours. So my mother told me that she stopped taking my crying seriously. She thought I cried over nothing and just left me crying.

How can you build trust in other humans when you start out like that?

“and how much did they break you?”

Until I had no idea who I was...?!

“and how far did they take you?”

Let's just say that when your parents are not around much, and you also don't trust them then you open the door for someone with bad intentions.

This whole song just screams early trauma for me. But that's just my way of seeing this.

Jaws

“and why you're taking it slow show me what wounds you've got … show what you've lost”

I don't want to talk about that today. Let's just say trauma and also just read my pinned post and you know what I've lost.

I feel like putting this in here again, what Vessel said about Jaws:

“Our jaws are the tools we have to rend apart. They show our concealed aggression, and take something once hidden and burst it apart. You don't know someone until you have seen them destroy something. Jaws is an exploration of the frustration which accompanies the sense that someone close to you is hiding their true self.”

I have destroyed so many things, actual physical things but of course also so many relationships.

So I can just relate to what he is saying.

I have to prepare some stuff because of Easter and I guess I will continue this next week or when I feel like it. I have so much already anyway. If someone is bored you can klick here.

[midnakoopa]

Vent Post About Anxiety

Past couple weeks have been pretty rough. Thought I'd post about it here. More for me to put my thoughts in order than anything, but if you wanna read it, go ahead. Long post, venting about trauma ahead.

So, near the end of February, I'd noticed I was tired a lot more, and sleeping a lot more. I'd thought maybe it was the weather shifting, maybe it was a bit of the seasonal depression. Who knows at this point?

But then I was getting a bit of a pain in my stomach. Sides? Abdomen? That general area. That with the usual stresses made me think of something I've dealt with before, and know how to treat. I'll skip the details on that; not so relevant. Anyway, I went to treating that how I usually do.

And maybe it would've worked out fine. Who knows? But I guess it hurt just enough for just long enough to kick my anxiety awake. And my anxiety just got worse over the next week or so. And of course, anxiety gets bad enough, it starts making existing symptoms worse due to stress and whatnot. And then the physical symptoms getting worse makes the anxiety worse. It just feeds on itself.

Now, I'm on meds for anxiety disorder. And one thing I've noticed more and more recently, is that they seem to work fine for that, for keeping me from being anxious all the time. But when things get super stressful, they don't do enough to stop an anxiety attack.

So, a little over a week ago, it got bad enough that I scheduled an appointment to talk to my doctor, about maybe adjusting my current meds, but also getting an emergency med for anxiety attacks, which wow I've been on anxiety meds for as long as I can remember how did I never have a rescue medication?

I don't know what it was about this time in particular, but this is the worst my anxiety's been in ages, maybe even the worst I can currently remember. In just the week before I saw my doctor, broke down crying four times. Two of those times were in one night (the night just before the appointment). It's good that I saw the doctor, but turns out an appointment to keep when your anxiety's making your sleep schedule a mess becomes yet another stressor.

Anyway. I saw the doctor. I got my meds adjusted, got an emergency med, and it's only been a couple days but my anxiety hasn't spiked up again yet. Fingers crossed there. Not 100% yet. I dunno if I'm 60% yet. But I'm better than a few days ago, I think.

On a slightly different tangent. Another main reason I'm typing this is to record how I felt while it's fresh in my mind.

The words that keep coming back to mind are "cold shock". It's like a cold shock that starts in the head and attacks a few different places. I say "shock", but it doesn't quite feel electric, so much as like it's sapping... something. It's gonna sound dramatic, but, it really feels like an attack on the mind, on the soul even.

Just this awful feeling that something is taking something from you. Something that you need to survive. And it takes whatever that something is until all that's left is "I just can't".

As for the more describable symptoms... Heartburn, of course. Or acid reflux, I forget the differences. A queasy or discomforting feeling in the stomach. A couple times, I felt like my legs were getting weak and shaking. That also could've been from not eating enough due to the other symptoms.

But it's that cold shock, that attack on the mind, that's the worst of it. That two-pronged attack of this overwhelming feeling of dread, and the sense that nothing you can do will help that feeling, so why do anything?

That feeling that you. Just. Can't.

To sum up, I'm feeling slightly better at the moment, and hopefully the worst of it's over. But, fuck, man. I'm just so exhausted from this, physically and mentally.

[colorisbyshe]

👀 so did you isten to any good and new music in april

i was gonna hold off and wait until jessie ware's album released tonight to make this post but i THINK im gonna want to do a mini live-blog of that album and this post is already massive enough as is sooo

April Faves!

Newly Released:

"High Life" by Bloc Party. Fun vibes. Very relaxed and I think is quite great for the warmer weather and driving with the windows down. Great riffs in this song.

"Dead Wood" by Enter Shikari. Enter Shikari is a weird band for me because I was SUUUPER into their original demos that you could download off like... mypace? And then I forgot they existed. Until this album? So that's CRAZY that they're still here it's been 15 years since I cared about them. Anyways, this song is like... kinda theatrical and WEIRD but not in a theatrical way. It has a bunch of string instruments and a sense of foreboding, I like it. One of the more "for beginners" track on a fairly experimental album. Need to listen to the album more cause I'm unsure if this is my favorite. "Bloodshot" is a great combo of more high speed electronic influences crashing their more hardcore influences. Dubstep energy without the dubstep.

"Be the One" by Bree Runway and Khalid. Radio friendly song of the summer. Vocal chemistry off the charts. Just sweet and soothing.

"GLBTM (Studio Outtakes)" by Daft Punk. Made me cry. I miss Daft Punk so fucking much. Beautiful instrumental.

"冷たい風 (30 Universe Ver)" by Penicillin. Jrock, if you couldn't tell by the Japanese title. It's okay if you don't like listening to non-English music but plEASE listen to the guitar shredding at ~2:27.

"Angel" by Shygirl and Fatima Al Qadiri. ETHEREAL AND HAUNTING.

"Coup" by Frost Children. Earlier, I made a post about how my music taste is getting worse... this album and this song inspired that post. The Medic Droid meets 100 Gecs. Just stupid electronic music it's EMBARRASSING. "Angel's Thoughts" is also an electro banger.

Choosing a song off the new Buck-Tick album is hard. It's all a banger to me but I suppose I really love Namonaki Watashi and the contrast between the way the instrumental feeling like it's sparkling and the strong emphasis of his vocals. Scarecrow is also great, just has a nice intensity throughout the whole thing.

"Midnight Dreams" by Ellie Goulding. Putting out a disco-inspired dance album in the same month as Jessie Ware was BRAVE but I think this album is pretty refreshing. It's just extremely proficient at being... a dance album Ellie Goulding would make, y'unno?

"I'll Remember for Me, I'll Remember for You" by Yaeji. An odd choice from this album, since it's more an interlude than a full song. But I just love that it's this moment of calm on an experimental, erratic and yet there's a creeping sense of... wariness over it all.

"D N D" by Apink. The only Kpop on the list so far?? Grown women showing off vocals while feeling like cotton candy.

"Vinglevingle" by Heize. More kpop except it has more a 2010s eurodance vibe but like... matured.

Came out 3/30 but that is April to me. "Zodiac Killa" by Jean Deaux. This is the type of song to play during a montage of a woman driving across the country, running over men, stopping to ransack jewelry stores, before reuniting with her lover, another woman on horseback.

Honorary Mentions:

"Say it to Me" by Otto Knows. It's a dance track. You know how it is.

"She Don't Mind" by Karencici. I could see Tinashe doing this song except it's largely in mandarin, so like... if Tinashe could sing in mandarin. Talking about Tinashe, it's not her best track, but "Who's Taking You Home" with Kyle is solid enough and also from this month.

"Isumad (Lakim Remix)" by Cookiee Kawaii. I liked this entire album but I choose this one just for having a run time over 3 minutes, a rarity for her! Funky remix. Another take on a nostalgia sound but modernized perfectly.

De De Mouse put out multiple releases, they're good. Check out De De Mouse in generic if you want like... annime OPs/EDs ramped up by funk and other more experimental influences.

Technically came out 3/31 but WHATEVER. "Vampire" by Kvi Baba, the Trigun Stampede OP guy.

Not Released in April:

"Writhe" by Daine. 100 gecs but more emo.

"Over You" by Daddy DJ. Sorry... Daddy DJ really is just like... comfort music at this point. Peak 2000s dance music.

"Mercurial" by Silica Gel, a korean rock band. Love the vocal effect for this song. Just love the resonating nature.

"Wings of Time" by Tame Impala, the song they did for Dungeons and Dragons. Throwback roooooock sound. Blare it with the windows down while driving past a beach at sunset. Trust me it's a vibe.

Revisited a looot of Utada this month. "Michi" remains a bop that stuck with me this month. Just good, mature jpop. Not alone not alone not alone!

Rest in Peace Ryuichi Sakamato. There's many songs to really attribute to such an influential figure but sometimes all you need is a straightforward song like Rain.

"Broken Mirror" by Boom Boom Satelittes is some Jrock tha tFUCKS

[boombrothersasks]

Alright gang, what's the plan? Try and get Shadow back to adult?

"Well...things are...CRAZY!" Eclipse stated, looking at baby Shadow (who had a strange plush toy that looked a lot like the Darkling,) and a now for some reason very tiny Rouge fawning over a random shiny gem, with Omega standing over them. ALL OUTSIDE THE CAVE! IN THE SNOW! WHERE SHADOW COULD GET COLD! HE WASN'T EVEN BUNDLED UP!!

Eclipse ran over to pick up his brother, bringing him inside the cave and bundling him up in one of the blankets they had.

"DAM FOURF EMERALD!!"

"...Huh?"

"EMERALD!! WANT!!"

"You mean the shiny gem thing? Hmm..." Eclipse looked back. "STICKS! GRAB THAT GEM OVER THERE! I NEED IT!"

"WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME!?"

"I'LL TELL YOU MORE ALIEN SECRETS, OR SOMETHING!! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO KIDNAP ME FOR THEM!!"

"I WILL KNOW EVERYTHING!!" The badger let out a battle cry before crashing towards Rouge and Omega, running away on all fours with the gem in her mouth.

"That's...one way to do it. Thanks! Just needs kind of a clean, not giving that to Shadow, but that's fine!" Eclipse grabbed the back of his cape once he took the gem from Sticks, cleaning it off a bit before handing it to Shadow. "See? I'm so good at this..."

"SERIOUSLY?! A WHOLE SPARKLY, SHINY, PRECIOUS GEM FOR A BABY?!" Rouge shouted in a bit of disbelief.

"My baby brother gets what he wants, when he wants," Eclipse looked proud of himself, sitting beside the young Shadow. "Because I'M the best big brother there ever was. My arm spikes are not for chewing, Shadow. They're like armor, and they'll break your bitty fangs."

Rouge crossed her arms, pouting.

"QUERY RESTATEMENT : WHAT WILL WE DO WITH THE HOGLET? HOW WILL WE RETURN HIM TO NORMAL?" Omega questioned.

"And how do we get ME back to normal size?!" Rouge added.

"When can we talk about the alien secrets...?" Sticks had grabbed out a notebook and pen, glaring at the Darkling.

"HUNGRY!!" Shadow shouted.

"WAS I NOT HEARD? RESTATEMENT OF QUERY RESTATEMENT-"

"WE HEARD YOU!! WHAT ABOUT ME?! I'M THE SAME SIZE AS EVERY BUG IN THIS HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE PLACE AND I DO NOT LIKE IT!!"

"Are the aliens and the sky people workin' together? Do ya got a pact with them to control the weather?"

"HUNGRYYYYYYYYY!!"

"WHAT IF...!" Eclipse shouted over the four, making himself heard to silence them. "What if...we went over to Tails', and tried getting some help from him? He has a machine that turned me into a baby once, and I THINK it has some kind of reversal cure with it? I'm back to normal, aren't I? Rouge, maybe he also has some way to get you back to normal size! Omega, you were heard, loud and clear, don't worry. Sticks, I have literally no idea, I think father was scared of them. And Shadow? I'll just give him some coffee beans, he likes those! All problems solved, heheheh...! Noooooooooo problems here...! I can handle anything! Okay, gotta bundle him up in his winter scarf first...the best it'll fit him now, anyway..."

"Should you really be giving a baby coffee beans...?" Rouge seemed skeptical of that part of Eclipse's plan.

"Sure, why not? Like I said, he loves them!"

Sticks began to sniff the air (to which Rouge eyed her in an odd sort of way.) "I can smell it...there's trouble coming."

"Right, right, let's get to Tails'! And quickly, there's only a while my sweater with totally-on-purpose holes for my spikes will help in keeping me warm. Buuuuut...maybe we should take the long way anyway. I wanna be in charge for as long as possible, have as much fun as I can being the oldest!"

[cowboydisaster]

My top ten Lord Huron songs and why:

I know what you're thinking: Bea, nobody asked for this!! you are correct 😌 but I can't stop listening to music 24/7, and this band lives rent-free in my head. I genuinely cannot get their lyrics out of my mind. Anyway, please feel free to go in my inbox to ask or tell me more about Lord Huron cause I'm obsessed!

10. She Lit a Fire

favorite lines: "I'll search the world until there's no place left to go And if she leaves it, I will follow" and "When last I saw her she was dancing all alone"

why: I love how upbeat this song is and I love the lyrics, it's so romantic

9. The Ghost on the Shore

favorite line: "Lie where I land, let my bones turn to sand I was born on the lake and I don't want to leave it"

why: this song is just really beautiful, I find it very calming when it's not making me cry lol.

8. I Lied

favorite lines: "I bore a flame that burned a thousand suns for you, but it died" and "Told you I could never live without your love, but I lied."

why: I love love love the storyline to this song, and the back and forth. It's such a bittersweet ending to a love story.

7. When the Night is Over

favorite lines: "I feel the weather change, I hear the river say your name" and "Am I lost inside my mind? There's an emerald in the sky"

why: I used to listen to this song every day when I was driving to work and it's become such a habit that I'm obsessed with it now. also it's one of the only songs I've listened to from this album.

6. Love Like Ghosts

favorite line: "All the spirits that I know I saw, do you see no ghosts in me at all?" or "Haunted spirits that I know I saw, do they see no ghosts in me at all?"

!!they are listed as different on multiple lyric sites so idk!!

why: this is one of the first Lord Huron songs I ever heard, so there's some nostalgia here. Also love what's going on between "Love like Ghosts" and "Meet Me in the Woods"

5. Meet Me in the City

favorite line: "Am I not the one you're dreaming of, my angel?"

why: this song makes me want to have a sneaky link in the city, it's dangerous for my mania 💀It's so so good, I love the slower, seductive vibe to it.

4. Mine Forever

favorite lines: "I'm much too young to die So long, good luck, goodbye" and "We will always be together In my mind, you're mine forever"

why: I love the story that goes with this song and it's SO good. I can't explain it because I don't know anything about music. is it the melody?? The chorus?? idk it's great.

3. What Do it Mean?

favorite lines: "Gonna fly through my life 'til ai crash into the ending" and "What does it mean if it all means nothing?"

why: I listen to this song when im having existential crises, which is far too often for my own good! but! it's a great song nontheless.

2. Setting Sun

favorite lines: "I'm fond a' living but I woulda given it all for the girl I love" and "Oh, well is he ready to die for you baby? Now that you know I was."

why: Need I explain? This song is so fucking good. The jealousy/ the 'if i can't have you, no one can' trope. god-- its so good.

1. Lullaby

favorite lines: "Where have you been darling, What have you done?" and "You were out finding trouble again There's a fire in your eyes, and there's blood on your hands"

why: I absolutely love this song. It's the first Lord Huron song I was ever introduced to and I love everything about it. The lyrics are so beautiful UGH. I named my Arthur X reader fic after this song, and made it a quote on my pinned post. I cry almost every time I listen to it and I don't even know why, it just makes me emotional.

[saltynsassy31]

what happened to berry 🥹

Okay, okay, I'll tell ya what happaned to her XD

So for her backstory

Basically she was part of another group before joining Dusty's team

She was actually the leader! Surprisingly

A little info you gotta know though is that she works for Sheldon once he had moved to Splatvile, she's the only one (along side shiver apperanly) who would listen to his rants enthusiastically, she was never the type to talk anyway, she liked listening to people info dump

She would volunteer to work for him for free but eventually he convinced her to let him actually hire her for real

And the reason she'd go to him so often is cuz he was actually nice to her, unlike her teammates

Yeah so, they were kinda mean to her, a lot actually

They were childhood best friends, that is why they were a team! But over time they started to get annoyed with her shyness and quiet behaviour and one in particular was especially mean to her because he didn't see why she was leader, she was incompetent!

It one day boiled down to him railing up the group against her, sick and tired of loosing another battle

At that point she also stopped hanging out with them outside of turf, she was either at Ammo Knights or at the Art Academy (where she had met Dusty and her group, who she quickly became friends with, she didn't join their team yet, but would help them in their "side gig", aka. Hero work (and in the manga, they still do hero work but not in the agent type of way, even outside of coroika, Dusty wanted to be a vigilante, NSS just helped speed up that process) but that's a whole other rant lol)

They had a fight and it reached a point where the "friend" absolutely broke her splattling to pieces

She ran off crying with the left overs of her weapon

When she went to work, Sheldon took notice of her puffy red eyes and asked what was wrong, and for the first time he stayed quiet and listened to her as she broke down

She ended up mentioning how, without her weapon, she can't do her "side gig"

She doesn't have any other weapons!

That's when Sheldon had an idea and offered her the Gal (with kraken special)

It was just a prototype, and this was before its release

He said that it should take about a day or two for him to fix her Splatlling but that in the meantime she could use the gal! As long as she only used it for her side gig and not turf war, as it has not been registered as a weapon yet

She agreed and thanked him immensely

It wasn't long until she joined Dusty's team too, dropping out from her old team

But because of her old team she has now new insecurities and although she was already pretty quiet, her shyness turned up to over a 10 and she had really, really low self esteem

Never speaking up and having a panic attack whenever she was put in the position of leader or needing to do any decision making

But with her new friends she'll get better!

Coroika version though, it differs just slightly:

She was part of the higherarchy before Braids was, but after they lost the last match, Ocho came to her and told her she couldn't be part of it anymore and right after that did her "friends" break her weapon.

This happens right before Braids comes into the scene too (I'd assume that Sheldon has built his shop a couple months before Blue Team showed up, I'm trying to keep the time line as vague as the manga makes it, I tried thinking of the time line with Skipper's story smd it killed my braincells XD)

But yeah, there are other little neat facts about her but this is her backstory :P

Also, on a side note, the reason I had her have 2 different weapons is cuz I couldn't decide on weather I wanted her to have the gal or the splattling cuz both fit her! (The splattling cuz it was heavy and she is actually pretty strong snd kinda muscular, just not as visible, and the gal cuz its pink smd sparkly and cuz of the kraken since the idea of this shy little girl being able to turn into a giant kraken is hilarious to me XD)

And bonus! Here! Have her! This is how she look likes!

[nyxokal]

So I finished Stone Ocean

Yup. I've finally gone and done it and finished all the animated parts of Jojo's Bizarre Adventure. I can't believe it. This animated watch started in late October and it's finally come to an end today on January 10th. I'm quite impressed

Of course, I need to state that I am not done with Jojo yet and I 100% intend on continuing with Steel Ball Run and Jojolion, and I will also keep up the livetweet thread during both parts, so don't you worry!! I'm not done yet!!

Anyways, I got a post to write, but before that: I just made a tag for my "reviews" called "so I finished", so you can find all my other posts for other series before this one there. Also, for the Twitter thread, here is where Stone Ocean starts if you want to check that out

Without further ado it's time to make myself cry again

What I liked

I actually have to leave my favourite part of this part (heh) for the end since I don't want to ramble too much, so I'll start with the obvious: I really liked the characters. In particular I found myself really attached to Foo Fighters and Weather Report as everyone predicted, but also Emporio and Pucchi, somehow. I didn't quite think their bonds were as interesting as what the Golden Wind gang brought to the table, but I did find their individual personalities to stand out a lot more than before and overall they felt a lot stronger (save for Ermes but I'll talk about that later)

Character conflict and relationships was fun to follow!! I liked what a piece of shit Anasui was even though I didn't really like him as much as I would've liked to. I liked his interactions with everyone BECAUSE he was so unlikable and he caused fights. Though he wasn't my favourite, again. And I do prefer the way my favourites interacted with the world around them and their own views of it (Foo Fighters FUCKED ME UP)

I found it quite interesting that the plot not only started to unravel and get more and more intense as things went on, but also that this time, Stands and the story were directly affecting the whole damn world instead of just a small area. The stakes really did get astronomically high and I had a great time thinking "just how the FUCK are they going to unfuck this mess" to myself. I do think that resetting the universe was the right call though, considering that after this I have no idea how Araki can keep thigns stupid but fun enough that they don't feel like more ass-pulls than what Bohemian Rhapsody was

Anyways, my favourite part of SO? Pucchi, actually

Pucchi was a really fun villain. Ruthless and determined, but at the end you still kind of had a sense that he thought he was doing what was right. I get the feeling that if Pucchi could win without Emporio stopping him in the end, Pucchi would be completely able to overlook and withstand his own guilt over the mass death he caused just by saying his view was correct and what would benefit people the most

He is a hypocrite. He turns a blind eye to the bad things he does, and he pretends that he is doing what is correct instead. That everything is meant to be. I do think part of this is Dio's influence in his life, but he is also just... like that. The way it becomes clear with how he treated Perla and Weather Report, especially Weather. And that's why he's terrifying; if you're an obstacle, he can and will be able to twist whatever atrocities he does to you as all worth it for being part of a bigger plan

To me Pucchi is different from most villains because of how he is a walking contradiction and a legitimate threat. He is intimidating, and his presence through the whole part was vicious and terrifying. Every time he was on screen I was afraid for someone's life, and I was right to be scared like 80% of the time. Pucchi stops at nothing. Deadass I think one of my favourite villains thus far together with Dio and Kars

Also, maybe a little silly, but I really liked the entire concept of Underworld. That was an incredible Stand

Oh oh oh, and I liked Jolyne a lot!! I loved how you could actually SEE her character development from scared girl in way over her head to recklessly determined bitch with a huge heart. Every death hit her, every loss empowered her, and yet she was still scared. Jolyne is a great protagonist because of how well-rounded she was. She stood her ground in the end even if she was dealing with tremendous loss. She put herself in harm's way to meet her goals. Jolyne is a fantastic protagonist, and I genuinely believe Pucchi when he said that Jolyne was the heart keeping everyone together

Story progression was ruthless. It didn't slow down one bit, and I think it was pretty tight. I cannot believe I missed the monster of the week format, but I kind of did, actually. Though I understand that the very nature of Stone Ocean being set in jail and needing to 1. Get out -> 2. Rescue Jotaro -> 3. Stop Pucchi was a bit pressing and didn't lend itself to the more lowkey moments of, say, Diamond is Unbreakable, I can't say I didn't enjoy the high stakes high velocity (heh) plot going on

Ah, I also liked the utilization of Jotaro in this Part. Making him more of a damsel in distress of sorts was a fun idea ngl, and I like how he VERY obviously is not doing well even several years after Stardust Crusaders, yet he clings to Jolyne as a reason to live. I do enjoy his character progression a lot more outside of Stardust Crusaders proper, and I like how he got a moment to shine at the end against Pucchi

What I didn't like

The underutilization of some characters like Ermes and Anasui. It felt like as soon as their things were done, they weren't necessary anymore, and became kind of nuisances to Araki. Ermes got the shortest end of the stick by getting put on a bus SEVERAL times, which is a shame!! I like her character a lot, but she barely got time to shine or do anything!! Some of her few key moments were at the start and then she fades to the background, and it was sad to see

Anasui meanwhile I didn't like because of how his very character was kind of just... obsessive? If it weren't for THAT trait, I would've actually adored him. But ah well. I do feel like he wasn't used to his full potential unless Araki needed a braniac to solve a situation. I do like how he was willing to just die to stop Pucchi though

I also didn't like the big, STUPID ass-pull of having Weather Report just straight up go "infinity plus one sword" at Bohemian Rhapsody. That was legit an ass-pull and made me roll my eyes so hard because yes, I can accept contrivance and coincidence and "infinity swords" but that one was too obvious of an attempt to fix a fucked sitaution. I did like that arc but it quickly lost its charm when I saw the "How are they gonna get out of that" was just "Oh, by literally willing it undone, ok"

I also did not like the nice guy-ification of Dio Brando, ngl. He was a little too nice and a little too friendly for my walking war crime babygirl. I don't know how I feel about him supposedly having several children either, unless he specifically had them as sacrifices for Pucchi, but then how does that explain Giorno? I dunno. I feel like this Part dropped the ball hard with Dio. I'm choosing to ignore it for my own sake

Other than that, while I liked what Araki did with Pucchi's powers and power progression, I am still finding it exhausting that he continues to overuse time based powers for his final villains. I want to see originality god damn it. Pucchi did a lot of good, fun things with his abilities using Made In Heaven, but it doesn't change the fact that it did seem like it was going for time based again. In the end though I think this is the LEAST egregious time based villain Araki's made. And thank god for that

Final Thoughts

I liked Stone Ocean. I liked what I got out of it and I liked my time with it, and while that ending definitely took me by surprise, I definitely think it was the right choice in the end. As much as I like JJBA's weirdness, it was starting to get a little out of hand and a reset needed to be had for it to work, and so I'm pleased with the neat bow that the series "ending" like that is. I also cried hearing Roundabout again and seeing everyone in the ending, ngl. That was a beautiful way to send it off

I am incredibly satisfied with my anime watch. I cannot wait to get on with Steel Ball Run after a short break, and I am excited to continue now, onwards, towards things I genuinely do not know about now

See you later y'all, this time in horseland as I get to explore this new reality Emporio so kindly shoved us into

[mellow-worlds]

older

Things I don't really know how to get better. I don't think I'll ever be able to get over my will to completely give myself up for him yesterday he told me to do some things and I did them, yesterday he criticosed my behaviour and I apologized and he said I shouldn't have and then he apologized for criticising me but I mean he was right to do it. And I feel terrible becau eI asked hin ti go to my place instead of his because I'm on my period and hurting and uncomfortable and he agreed and I feel like a selfish idiot because now he has to ride around in the subway A LOT and it's alll because of me, and he complained a little about it and I said I'm sorry and I told him gain and again I'm sorry and he doesn't even know why I wanted t o go to my place. I feel terrible. At least I didn't eat today. Everthing feels terrible. Prolly just because I'm on my period. I feel terrible terrible terrible. I feel bad. Just physically uncomforta

ble. I feel terible because even when I try to apologize for me acting wrong I can't do it right and he won't take my apology. I'm so sorry I get so emotional and it's probably because of my period. Yesterday I felt like crying and got butterflies several times. Sometimes just by lookuing at him and thinking I'd do everything for him. Anyway. As I was saying, 'd never not let him kill me, I'd never not give myself up for him if only he asked me to, probably. I'll never not put him ifrsst. But that doesn#t mean that I have to hate myself. That doesn't mean that I need to be miserable. I want to do things and I want to do things and I want to d o things. I've beeen doing some things. I've been reading and drwing and studying French a lot It's nice. I want to write more. I don't think I'm ok with uni having started. I don't really like uni. I like learning and I like the toics when theyÄre interesting, butttt idk. I hate having to go here, it's a hustle. I hate having to read and write long complicated texts I don't understand because they're too complicated for my little, uncomplicated brain. I don't like the rain and I don't like that I don't know how to dress on accord of the weather. I don't like that it'll be torture to go here when it's hot I don't like that I selected so ayn courses and that I will be overwhelmed. But rn it's ok. I'mean not rn but in general. I'm not overwhelmed yet. Not yet. It's fine and I don#t haave to do this alone. L s there to support me. Another thing: I hate that L and I won't be able to spend as much time together. Maybe it's a good thing but even this morning just getting out of bed felt terrible because I wanted to keep cuddling with him because he is just the cutest. But overall I'm excited about the new semester. I'm excited about all of the things I do (French and art and reading and writing) and I'm excited about eseing myself develop and change.

I'm kind of obsessed with this girl I used to go to school with. She sometimes posts stuff on g and I relentlessly look at it when she does. She's anorexic and man she's gotten really really thin again. I'm a little scared for her. And I'm really jealous of her. She's really pretty and really thin and everybody knows she's troubled. She has posted about her (various methinks) stays at the mental hospital. She's been hospitalized. She's been hhospitalized. All I got to show for is my three little scars and the ones you can't even see. I'm not skinny. I'm not pretty. I still phantasize about killing myself a lot. In the book I'm reading a character did that becauase his lover didn't want to get married. He cried for days and then he was found dead with slit wrists. I can't even cry. I can't even cry. I can't wait for the day I break down in front of L crying. If I've cried this year it was only small little tears. And that one time in JHJanary. And no one ever noticed. And I feel a burning need to cry. It's crazy. My clothes are wet because of my stupid jacket from the 80's. I feel ohysically terrible. My head has started hurting. And I'm hungry. I want to lose a lot of weight. L says he likes my body but I don't. I don't. So I'm doing intermittent fasting an dI'll try to eat healthier. I'm a little scared. I havent eaten today. It's been 18 hrs almost. Nothing in comparison to what I could do. Idk when I'll eat. Maybe after this nect lecture. I'm mad I look so ugly today. I'll lose weight and that'll automatically make me look better. ANd I'll be fine. I'll be happy. There's no need for me to make such a big fohking thing out of this. I'm not eded- I'm not anorexic and I used to be and I'm ashamed I'm not anymore. I need to lose weight. I hate my freaking body I hate looking like this I hate my cellulite and fat and how unfit I am. I exercised a little yesterday, the tiniest bit. Because my back hurt. I should try to exercise every day, maybe. I still want to die. I want to be found dead one day. But maybe first I need to work on my legacy. I want to be mourned. Do I`Idc. I want to be remembered like remedios in cien an*os de soledad. And mostly just want to feel loved by L. I don't think he thinks about me as much as I do and I don't think he knows that he's practically my world. Adn I want to do art and experience art and watch movies and read and write.

I feel like I'm going to faint but it's not as bad anymore. I haven't eaten in almost 39 hours. I'm trying to push for 49. But most of all I'd just like to faint. I've never fainted before and yes it's scary but it would be something. It'd be something graspable, something real, not just a feeling. I want my suffering to be real. On that note, I should stop being self-condescending towards myself in front of L. I shouldn't make my suffering a show that I choose to share, if anything, people should get subtle signs because of my physical ill-being, but nothing more. Honestly, people shouldn't get any signs, but like... I want to be "heard". I know how toxic this is. I feel like I'm not ill enough and I feel like I can't get betteer until people notice how ill I am because I can't let people know retrospectively, and I've suffered for so long... I should try nto to. But I want to get worse and I want to spiral. I want to faint in front of my friends. Luckily and tragically, I made it so I won't see any of them today. I skipped two classes. Maybe I'll skip the third one as well, but I shouldn't. I feel like I really really shouldn't skip. So I won't skip the third one. It's so weird to describe how I feel. A little light headed, my bones ache, slight headache, very very heavy limbs, and I just generally feel unwell and sick. I've been tempted to eat something but like... I can't just do that. I want to faint. I want to faint in front of my friends. I want to faint in front of L. That would be the dream. I bet fainting feels nice.

I haven't eaten in 30 hours now and I probably won't be eating in another 5 hours. If I'm lucky I won't eat today at all but I don't know. Honestly I'm a little scared, because I will be going to Ls and I don't know if we'll eat something and idk if I'll be able to log the calories. GOSH I hope that if we eat I'll be able to log them. And it's so unfair, the food at uni doesn't provide a calo

ric value and I hate that. I WISH they'd provide that. Im really happy about the decision to lgo calories again, so my weightloss will be more efficient. I really had no idea milk has that many calories. But this des´cision, as you can see, also causes me a lot of stress but it's fine, it'll be worth it. It'll be worth it. My stomach hurts. It's growly. It feels good? But my head hurts and I feel a little unwell. It's nice talking to my friends thouhg, we currently are sittig in the uni cafe. I like D and K a lot and Y is here as well. GOSH I hope I won't have to eat today. Aaand they all left. I have 50 minutes to kill now. F and the other guy from the cafe are here. I don't even know what I can write anymore. And I'm bored to death. This is something i've realized in my past ana runs, it is terrible, the boredom you feel, the inability to focus on things, it gets so overwhelming, your thoughts of food, it's all you think about and then you can't help but eat. BUT I feel good now. Rn I'm a little bored, sure, but like I feel good. I do tihnk about food a lot, but more in fear and less in desire. Well I really would like to eat, but uhm idk, it's different. It's not hard for me not to eat for such long times. Before, I struggled with my life to get to 48 hours, and it was super hard to get to 24 hours, and at times even 18. I feel fairly good. I'm able to have a really good time with my friends and I enjoy that a lot. this morning I took body check pictures and I really really resent that I deleted my old body check pictures. And honestly I look awful but I THINK i look a little less awful than wen I took those other pictures but I can't know. It's frustrating. And I really, really, hate the way my body looks. I REALLY REALLY hate it. I can't believe L would even consider saying he likes my body because Im´'m so ugly. He's got a nice body, I think, not terribly skinny or lean, but I really like his body, it's comforting. And I wonder if it is because the first time I saw his upper body I was so glad he's not as skinny as I tohuhgt, because it made me feel the slightest bit better. So yeah I really hate my body and I don't think L is lying to me, but I also think that he's telling me he likes my body so much so that I#ll feel a little better. plus it's a really nice feeling being desired. So yeah, if I lose some weight maybe hell like my body more, and I definitely will. Its o frustrating, I have lost some kgs already but Iit's just waterweight. In a way, I'm really scared of eating more regularly. I tihnk it's easier not to eat when I do it over long periods of time, like it's out of the question alrea

dy, but it's harder to do when I can eat a little. Stopping to eat is always the hardest part, I think. I just need to get more scared of food. That's why i think thatt couting calories is such a good thing. It'll make me super aware of what I#m putting into my body. that's a good thing in so many ways. Anyway. AAAH. Body checks. I hate the fact that I look this way but I'm also optimistic that I'll be able to change. I'm optimistic that I'll son look very different. Soon enough. THis months choices are next months body soooo... I'm doing well ig. It's scary trhough. I don't want to fail. But I'm making an effort to eat healthier, low calorie things like fruits and veggies and stuff. I'm happy about that. It's a little concerning that I have bruises on my legs. Apparently, they come from lack of vitamin c and k, but like... I've had them for over a week now I think. It's concerining. I've had them since before I started fasting for so long. I should take care of that, becaue I really don't want any health issues. I should make sure I have supplements etc. It's really scary. Also, osteoporosis... My risk of getting that was real even when I was eating relatively well. I'm terrified of the medical concerns of anorexia. But like I#m terrified of my body and I just don't want to stay that well. I HATE MY BODY. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should find a way to find peace with it, though I still would want to change it. I dont need to be so extreme. I don't need to be so extreme. I can chilkll. It's ok. I don't need to hate my body. LAtely 've been wearing some clothes that make mee feel more confident. I still think I look fat, but I feel pretty ok about it, mst of the time. I'm really scared about L finding out. I think he's catching up to the fact that I don't like my body and that I sometimes don't eat because of it. He's asked me what I've eaten certain days maybe twice by now, and I've had to lie because the truth was that I didn't eat anything. He just believed me, though. In a way, I feel nice when he says that I don't consume enough calories and that's why I feel so cold. I feel nice and I feel noticed. But i don#t want him to find out more, and like if i want to lose a lot of weigt he will eventually notice, no? If I eat little enough hell have to, right? If I manage not to fail and not be a fatass again. But i feel pretty optimistic. I feel good about this time. Who knwos, though. I'll try my best thoug. Now that i believe in free will, I CAN'T fail, I just can't. How could it be that all of these other girls are so skinny and so deprived of nourishment, and I'm so fat and I'm already scared of failing. So tonight ill go to a concert and I'm happy about the opportunity to burn some extra calories and not really be able to eat for a little while. But I'm really low energy, I'm really tired and It's cold so I don't feel like moving. And I am a little scared about feeling weak and passing out, but like, I don'

t think I will because... Yeah I haven't eaten that little last time and I haven't not eaten in all that long. It's unrealistic that I'll faint. Even if I do it's what I wanted, no? It'd be weird in front of my school friensd but ultimately, good. It'd be good. And it'd be awful if I fainted in front of L, honestly, because hten he'd really know something i swrong with me and food and he'd try to stop me and I really really can't eat normally or even more again becauseeeeeeee iiiimmmm sooooooo fattttttttt. Normal people probably would call me chubby at best but like.... IDK I feel AWFUL about my body and no, I am fat. I feel a little lightheaded. Anyway. I'm glad I'm doing things today. I'm glad I'll be going to Ls later because it wouldn't be abig deal if I ate today, and because I just really love spending time with him. And idk. I could stand the warmth of his body. And yeah. I love him :). And I'm just happy I don't have to be alone at home where I'm almost always miserable. I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I love spending time with friends. It#s a nice feeling when my stomach growls. its nice. i am kinda hungry but it doesnt hurt.. only my head hurts a little. and my being basically alone here, but its fine, ill leve in 10 minutes. wow, how time flies when one is having fun obsessing over ones ed. i am eded, theres no denying that. i may not be anorexic but its fine. i wonder what caused my relapse. is it really hatred for my body? i mean yes, ive always hated my body... i wanted to say that i didn't want to get back to ana like maybe a month ago, but that's not true is it. ive been loggin my fasting time for a couple of months and ive always hated my body. it really is mmy body, huh. but what about now is different? what casuses me to be so optimistic and what makes it so easy for me to fast for so long? maybe i overall feel better, but usually, one relapses into these kinds of things whne feeling bad, right? Anyway. Ig i am hungry rn. butttt its fine. its not overwhelming. I don#t want to hate myself, but i want to be impossibly skinny. I hsoudl work on what I see as a failure. it's not a failure if I don't fast for at least 24 hours or if I eat today or if I eat when in Ls company, or when I don#t lose a kg per day or even gain a little because i won't be able to keep this pace up. It is maybe a failure if I eat unhealthy things and am over my calorie limit. so im good. i have no reason to currently feel bad. im doing good. my stomach is hurting a little, but its fine. it is satisfactory somehow, to have these subtle, not really hurtful signs of whatever im doing actually having an effect on me, actually doing something. what currently frustrates me is that i can#t really eat whatever anymore. I'm so terrified of not being able to log my calories and i just started yesterday hahahhahaha. but yeah. its frustrating not being able to eat things from uni etc that i don't know the caloric value of. Anyway, gotta go, bye.

yesterday was really, really nice. Except that he forced me to eat but whatever. well we were in the kitchen and he already choked me and it felt so good. he kept choking me. he kept talking to me and commanding me to do things. I wouldve done anything. it was so nice. he told me to eat and i tried eating as little as possible but yk its fine, its whatever. he was so aggressive and commanding with me and i love it when he is. i can't describe it. it felt a little different from previous times, though. I was really submmissive hahaha etc ykyk but i was able to snatch out of it fairly quickly and shit and i didn't really feel as bad. I did get a lot of butterflies though. We were in the cinema before and watched civil war and i cried a lot. I felt to many emotions. we were cuddling in the cinema and the things going on onscreen were wild and there was too many emotions. so i cired. he didn't notice. after the movie we cuddled some more and he got pretty happy, saying how lucky he was and how much he loved me. and i didn't say much because id just been cring and on the ride home i didn't say much either and i#d like to believe thats why he was able to be so violent towards me. he wasnt really violent. i wish hed been more violent. in uni we talked a little about sex and stuff so maybe thats part of the reason as well. i think hed like it if i was more dominant but i dont really see how i could be. makes me feel bad. i just want to be his pet and his housewife and i just want him to be happy. i want to please him with everything i do and i want to do everything for him. i want to be his completely, and i don#t want him to be mine. i want him to toss me on the ground and choke me and step on me and make me pass out, i want him to keep food from me and then force feed me right before i die of staration, just to keep me alive so i can be starved furter. yay ed fantasies mixed in with sexual ones. yay. yesterday it did feel kinda nice how he forcefed me but like i really didn't need to eat then. id been fasting for barely 27 hours and i couldve gone so muhc longer. but ig this way i can track his c*m. gosh I do really like it when we don't have sex and he just uses me. it feels so nice and i have to worry about notihng but his cock. well actually, if he was really violent towards me during sex it would probably be the best thing ever. he choked me once during sex, i wish he did it always. he slapped me a lot yesterday and it felt awful which means it felt awfully good. i keep remembering times when he was awful to me and they give me butterflies. its all i want its all i want. i want him to hit me more and tell me that i dont deserve him, but next time he should mean it, he should throw me on the ground and tell me im trash.it feels different from usually, though. do i still think ikm worthless? kinda, i think. bu tit doesn#t inhabit my entire mind, its not all i can think about. i can kinda snap in and out of it, rihgt? either way. my theor stands. I should be able to do everything for him and still not make mself dependable from him. I still need to be my own person and not define myself throught the things I do for him, but take them as an addition to my inner world, as just something I chose, something I want to to because I have wants and needs and opinions. so ig i'm heading in a right direction. I enjoy it when he abuses me and part of the reason why is that i enjoy making him happy.

Things have been going so well. I’m actually really happy. I ate a lot a lot this weekend but like… Idc. I’m really happy, probably also partially because of increased food intake. But I’ve started a little writing project and I’m super excited about it. And things with L have been going super well as well. I feel like I am getting better, I really think I am. I am excited about the future again and I’m excited about food and my friends and L and writing and music and drawing. I’m really happy!

Except rn I’m really hungry but I’ll go grab sth to eat after this lecture, I havent eaten in about 17 hours, a little more.

Ok my hunger is really making me feel impatient and bored. But it’s fine! I guess this is what being hangry feels like. I’m still concerned with calories. I’m a little scared because idk if I’ll be able to count calories properly again today, since i’ve had to guess yesterday a lot. but it’s fine. I’m happy about eating healthy food with L whihc is something we set out to do. AND I’m really happy I haven’t eaten any sugar in the past week. Well, sugar yes, but not like refined sugar.

Gosh I’m so impatient. I got 17 more minutes to go. I’m so excited about the food I’m about to eat! And I’m so excited about my writing project, because it’s not just about writing. And because it’s just so much fun! It takes a lot pressure away from me, it’s a really relaxed project.

[the-silver-chronicles]

Phillip is such an oddball of a New God. It’s even acknowledged in Far Cry The Reverend’s Rule that the other New Gods (like the Voice) view him as the black sheep amongst them. They often wonder why he would rather be human, and find him weird for even investing in the “meatbags” lives (they (especially the Voice) usually just use humans as a punching bag, meanwhile Phillip doesn’t like exerting his power like that unless he’s forced to, usually under threat of death by the Orchestrator).

Anyway, here are some of his lines:

[TW: Swearing]

To Joseph

"Do you know what this means, Joseph? ... Well you should, you caused it."

"...I think John's trying to drown our Little Boa again."

"Yes, Joseph? ... No? If I had anything more to tell you Joseph, do you think I wouldn't inform you about it? ... Good, now be quiet, and just enjoy the silence while we still can."

"Joseph, we've been over this, the current Faith is absolute. Stop looking out for anymore "potentials". That's Jacob's job."

"I feel... nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe you need a nap, have you ever considered that, Joseph?"

"No. ... No! Whatever it is you want to do, it goes against my "will" and that's final."

(About Joseph) "After all these years, he still continues to misinterpret my visions and words. Truly, I have made a severe misjudgement of character."

"Well, you see Joseph, the thing is, and-and now don't take this personally or anything but... like, I kind of hate you. ... Yeah. I’m not apologising for your redundancy."

To the Curse

"Pardon my cluelessness, but who are you again? ... Oh right, my bad, I just couldn't recognise you from the amount of rot on that poor deer's skull."

"...Truly. You are the voice of your eon."

"Now how was I supposed to know that? ... I can observe and talk to weird hipsters, I can't control the damn weather. That was Zeus' job and he's dead. ... Yeah, the mob got him. ... He'd probably still be here if he hadn't forced himself on everyone's wives and actually bothered being a husband to Hera. Dumb bastard."

"Well forgive me for being a little late. You have no idea how many hours it takes until Joseph says anything remotely useful in his fucking early morning sermons!"

(About Silva and the Curse “bonding”) “You're getting along? No? Well, I consider that progress. I'll leave you two to it then. Have fun!"

About The Voice

"Of course, I will not be late to another Gathering again, I promise. I shall also take on all responsibility of our little universe of traumatised heathens while you are gone. Have fun on your exploration!" (whispers underneath) "...Dick."

"His sadism knows no bounds."

"What did I do?! ... Fucking WHAT?! That's WHY you dislike me?! ... You are one petty bitch."

Silva Omar

"Oh my ME! She's grown up so much! I think I'm going to cry."

"You remember my name? You remembered my name!" *Squeals*

"Shh, shh, shh, it's okay. I'm here, Phillip's right here. ... That's right, your best and old friend is going to take good care of you. ... No one will hurt you while you have me. I promise."

"Oh? The Curse is acting up again? Well, you did insult their Bliss Cheese. ... I know it's weird and chunky but it's good for your health."