#anyways read comics outside of america to open up your mind

[illumiru]

i don't even think any american comic from the big 2 are allowed to be that revolutionary bc you can only criticize the US military up to a certain point

[maxwell-grant]

Excuse Me what is pulp and why is it importan?

Good question! And probably one I should have answered sooner. Time to put on the historian hat for this one.

"Pulp" is a term used mainly to describe forms of storytelling that sprang out or were dominant in 20th century cheap all-fiction American magazines from the 1900s to the 1950s. The pulp magazine began in 1896, when Frank Munsey's Argosy magazine, in order to cut costs, dropped the non-fiction articles and photographs and switched from glossy paper to the much less expensive wood pulp paper, hence the name. The pulp magazines would mainly take off as a distinct market and format in 1904, when Street & Smith learned that Popular Magazine, despite being marketed towards boys, was being consumed by men of all ages, so they increased page count and started putting popular authors on the issues.

It was specifically the 1905 reprint of H.Rider Haggard's Ayesha that not only put Street & Smith on the map as rivals to Argosy, but also inspired other companies to start publishing in the pulp format. Pulps encompassed literally everything that the authors felt like publishing. Westerns, romance, horror, sci-fi, railroad stories, war stories, war aviation stories. Zeppelins had a short-lived subgenre. Celebrities got their own magazines, it was really any genre or format they could pull off, anything they could get away with.

Nowadays, although they came quite late in it's history, the American pulps are most famous for it's "hero pulps", characters like The Shadow and Doc Savage that are viewed as a formative influence on comic book superheroes. The pulp magazines in America lasted until the 1950s, when cumulative factors such as paper shortages, diminishing audience returns and the closing of it's biggest publishers led to it dying off, although in the decades since there's always been publishers calling their magazines pulp. That's the American pulp history.

But pulps are a phenomenon that spans the entire world and has a much bigger history to it, because pulps have become synonymous with cheap fiction magazines and those have a much bigger history. In America, before the pulps, you had the dime novels, the direct predecessors of the pulps, as well as the novelettes. England had it's penny dreadfuls and story papers, and continued publishing pulp-format magazines past the American 1950s, and that's how we got Elric of Melniboné. France and Russia arguably got to it first with it's 1800s coulporters, chapbooks and particularly the feuilletons which lasted all the way to the 20th century and created characters such as Arsene Lupin, Fantomas and The Phantom of the Opera. The Germans published pulp under the name hefteromane. Japan also published pulp magazines both original as well as imported, and the current "light-novel" phenomenon started off as an equivalent of pulp magazines (it's even on the Wikipedia page). China has wuxia, Brazil has cordel, Italy has gialli. There were Indian, Persian, Ethiopian, Canadian, Australian pulps and much more. Look anywhere in the world and you'll find examples of "pulp" happening again and again, under different circumstances and time periods.

Even if we stick to American fiction, it's impossible to state that all pulp heroes must come from the 1900s-1950s pulp magazines, because that forces us to exclude some of the most popular pulp heroes like Indiana Jones, Green Hornet, Rocketeer and The Phantom. Pulp may have once been a term meant to refer to pulp magazines exclusively, but it's morphed and lost structure and it's become the closest thing we have to a general umbrella term that allows us to try and consolidate these under a shared history. It's a lot, as you can see, and it's why several pulp historians that broaden their scope outside of 1930s American fiction have adopted Roland Barthes's definition of pulp as "A Metaphor With No Brakes In It", which is still the closest thing to a true working definition we have.

Why is it important? You tell me. I don't like to stake claims about stuff being "important", everyone's got their own priorities in life. Surely a lot of people would scoff at the idea of old populist fiction published in what was functionally equivalent to toilet paper having any sort of "importance". On the other hand, some people definitely want to talk big about the pulps as a cultural bedrock of fiction, something that's baked into the lifeblood of all fiction as we currently know it. Which it is, mind you, but I don't like to talk about pulp fiction's value being derived mainly from merely the things it inspired.

There is definitely a historical importance to be had in cataloguing them. According to the US's foremost pulp researcher Jess Nevins, 38% of all American pulps no longer exist, and 14% of all American pulps survive in less than five copies. Many libraries have very scant, if any, records on them, many collectors are hard to locate and are uncooperative when it comes to sharing information and letting outsiders view their collections. A lot of them are bound up in legal complications that prevents them from taking off in the public domain, and a lot of them ARE public domain but are completely inacessible as research material. And that's the American pulps, foreign pulps have fared far worse in posterity, with records inaccessible to people unfamiliar with the language or locations, many existing merely in mentions on decades-old records, and hundreds if not thousands of them being completely gone beyond recovery or recall.

Gone, dead, wasted, destroyed. They can't be found in barbershops or warehouse or bookstores, not even in antique stores. Hundreds, thousands of characters, stories and creators, gone. Time and posterity have crushed them to dust, forgotten and ignored by their successors. Unfettered by pretenses of respectability that repressed their glossier counterparts, in packages meant to be destroyed after reading, proudly announcing itself as trash. Things that should have never even lasted as long as they did have died many times now. It's heroes peripherical shapeshifters, nearly all of whom seem dead, quite dead, as dead as fictional characters can possibly be.

But they do not die forever. Many of them have, maybe most of them have, but many of them linger on.

"The strange red flickering of 1930’s fiction seems distant now.  You hold in your hand the product of a time too remote to recall, and feel a slow stir of wonder.  The smell of pulp pages, an illustration, an advertisement, these fragile things mark the slow hammering of time and display what it has done.  About you are today’s machines, today’s shadows.

Outside the window, leaves hang against the sky, as did leaves during the 1930’s.  The sound of voices are no different then than now.  You hold the magazine and feel something quite delicate slipping past. These solid forms surrounding you are all insubstantial. Time’s hammer will also pass across them, leaving little enough behind." - Spider, by Robert Sampson

Many of the things people call dead are just things that have been sleeping for a while or haven't had the chance to be born. Pulp fiction is dead on the page, inert, unless your imagination breathes live to it, and every now and then, one way or another, these characters dig themselves out of dustbins. Maybe it's a brief revival, maybe it's a successful reboot. Maybe they find publishers, or maybe the public domain allows them to find new life. Maybe new creators do interesting things with them, and maybe, just maybe, they live again because some won't shut up about them online. Some curious impulse led you to me, did it not? 

We all have our Frankensteins to obsess over, and these are some of mine. As someone who's lived a life perpetually restless over pursuit of knowledge, pulp has lured me like a moth to flame, because I literally never run out of things to discover within it, I never run out of possibilities. As the years pass and the public domain starts being more and more open to the public, more and more narrative real state is brought forth for writers and artists and creators to play around.

Pulp is the dark matter of fiction, the uncatalogued depths of the ocean, the darkest recesses of space. It's the box of your grandfather's belongings, the treasure you find in an attic, a body part sticking out from an old playground. It's the things that don't work, don't succeed, the things that don't fit, that are out of place. That shouldn't live and succeed, and did so anyway. The things that slither in the cracks, the shadows behind the curtain.

Aren't you interested in peering on what's behind the curtain?

The exquisite workmanship of the head, of a pre-pyramidal age, and the hieroglyphics, symbols of a language that was forgotten when Rome was young–these, Kane sensed, were additions as modern to the antiquity of the staff itself as would be English words carved on the stone monoliths of Stonehenge.

As for the cat-head–looking at it sometimes Kane had a peculiar feeling of alteration; a faint sensing that once the pommel of the staff was carved with a different design. The dust-ancient Egyptian who had carved the head of Bast had merely altered the original figure, and what that figure had been, Kane had never tried to guess.

A close scrutiny of the staff always aroused a disquieting and almost dizzy suggestion of abysses of eons, unprovocative to further speculation. - The Footfalls Within, by Robert E Howard, quoted by Stuart Hopen’s The Mythic American Culture

[aphrodite-would-be-proud]

I dont know if your accepting requests right now, but I love your kiddo headcannons. Could you do the Kiddo's reacting to Reiner asking you to marry him? I just really want to know who's going to get excited for the wedding, if any of the kids are going to be upset...your headcannons are just the best!!

Hey! Yes my requests are open, it's written in my bio tho i get it might be confusing. Imma make sure to also write it on the navigation post.

And by the name of persephone this the cutest most wholesome kiddo scenario! How did i not think of that? Just what realm of heaven are you living on Anon? Whatever it is thank you for blessing us with this thought💛

You're with Reiner, he wants to propose but his cousins overhear him.

{ Reiner x reader | tw:marriage tw:proposing tw:parental-neglect tw:heavy-angst | cartoony?, fluff, angst with comfort | modern }

{ The Lanterns, circa 1910 by Charles Courtney Curran 1861-1942 }

"And no opening the door to anyone no matter how sorry you feel for them, okay?" Colt said while adjusting the tie around his neck, making sure it's even as he takes one final look at himself in the mirror before putting on his coat.

"Okay" Falco replied, watching as his brother was getting frustrated with the too many buttons on his coat. "Do you need help?"

Nodding his head, Colt let Falco do his buttons while he reached for the cup of coffee he left on the table, quickly finishing it all. "And make sure to get to bed on time, no staying up reading comic books, you have school tomorrow."

"Don't worry I won't" Falco looked in concern at the empty coffee cup, "isn't this your third one today? I don't think you should be drinking this much..."

"You worry too much Falco, just take care of yourself okay?" Colt rubbed his brother's hair, before patting his head. "I'll text you to check on how you're doing so make sure to charge your phone."

And just like that, Colt wrapped a scarf around his neck, grabbed his keys, and left through the door. Leaving Falco standing there at the entrance, alone in the house.

Looking around the quiet room, Falco picked up the empty cup before washing it in the sink. Just as he was putting it away, the door bell rang.

'Did he forget something?' He thought, wondering if it's his the keys again. But looking at the table, he could see nothing was there.

Wait...Colt did take his keys before leaving, why would he be ringing the doorbell.

The ringing got more frequent, followed by aggressive knocking. Falco took a step back into the kitchen, thinking if he could dash upstairs to get his phone in time.

But he didn't want to trouble his brother...Think Falco think! What would captain america do in this scenario? But Reiner always told him he should think for himself...

And so he grabbed a knife, slowly inching towards the door but then he heard it, that fimilar sound.

"Falco? You in there? It's freezing open the door!"

"Gabi?!" Dropping the knife, Falco rushed to the door. Quickly unlocking it as a very cold looking Gabi stepped inside.

"What took you so long? I can't feel my fingers!" Rubbing her hands together to attempt to warm them up, Gabi glared at Falco.

"Sorry I thought you were a-" he looked away at the knife "uh..anyway let me get you a blanket" before he could rush up the stairs, Gabi pulled him back.

"No there's no time! We have to leave now." Holding his hand, Gabi dragged a very confused Falco out the door and they began making their way to the next destination.

-

Soon enough, the pair found themselves standing outside Udo's house, directly under his window.

"You still haven't told me why we're here." Falco watched as Gabi was looking for something on the ground, he stiffened when she smiled after picking up a small rock.

"I will tell you once Udo and Zofia are here, it's very important." She handed him the rock. "Now let's focus on getting Udo here, make sure to aim for his window because his mom is a really light sleeper."

"Wait if that's the case then why didn't we go to Zofia's house first? She lives right opposite of mine!" Falco whisper-shouted.

"Because! Neither of us can deal with a sleeping Zofia and you know that, only Udo knows how to wake her up." Gabi explained, crossing her arms while getting impatient. "So hurry up and throw the rock!"

Flaco looked at Udo's window, then at the rock. He looked at Gabi one last time before closing his eyes and throwing it, it made a sound as it hit the window....nothing happened

"Why am I the one throwing the rocks?" He looked anxiously at Udo's dark window, moving his weight from one leg to the other.

"I'm stronger. If i throw it, I'll break the window." Gabi was looking for another rock, having found one slightly bigger than the last. "Here try this one"

-

Having reunited again, the four of them were walking down the street to Reiner's house late at night. Gabi leading the group, Falco following her reluctantly, Udo keeping a still sleepy Zofia from walking into a wall while in her pajamas.

"This better be good Gabi, otherwise you can forget about copying my math homework for a month." The thought of just turning around and going back home to bed was still in the back of Zofia's mind.

Having almost reached Reiner's house, the four of them could see multiple cars parked outside of it, some of them they recognise.

"See! I told you all it'd be worth it. They're having a secret party without us! I heard Reiner talking about it on the phone with Zeke this morning when I was pretending to be asleep so I don't have to walk home." Gabi said as they sneaked to the side of the house.

"That's mister Zeke's car, miss Annie's and...even Porco's too.." Udo said as they climbed the house fence.

"They invited Porco but not us?" With that information, Zofia was fully awake.

"That's exactly what I've been telling you guys about! Here look!" Standing on her toes, Gabi looked through the window, between the curtains. Three heads joining her soon.

Looking inside, they could see the living room they were so fimilar with, looking really different. For once it wasn't a mess of pillows and candy wrappers! It was actually clean with various candles adding to the atmosphere.

Zeke and Pieck could be seen siting next to each other on the couch, drinking some wine while Colt is in the arm chair next to them with Porco pushing a drink in his hands.

Annie and Bertolt are leaning against the wall, she's holding a plate of donuts while he's talking about something.

Finally, you and Reiner are sitting on the couch opposite to Zeke and Pieck. His hand is around your shoulder and he keeps taking glances behind him at bertolt, while Zeke stares at him from the front.

If you focus, you can hear the muffled sound of music playing in the background.

The four kids watched as Reiner whispered something in your ear, before you noded, got up and headed towards the kitchen. The second you left, all of them crowded at the couch next to Reiner, Talking in hushed tones.

"What...are they doing?" Udo watched as Reiner took out a small red box from his pocket, hands shaking while the people around him leaned in to see what's inside as he opened it.

Quiet gasps and awws followed after as the ring inside came into view, glittering in the dark by the candlelight. Although that only seemed to fluster Reiner even more.

The four of them looked at each other with wide eyes, then back at the ring as Reiner reached out to hold it delicately in his hand for a few seconds as if he's offering it up to the air in front of him, the room got quiet, everyone holding their breaths.

"Oh " Falco said, "i...think i know what's going on." Both Udo and Zofia noded.

"What?" Gabi knitted her eyebrows, tilting her head, "what's going on?"

Before any of them could answer, Zofia told them to keep quiet when she noticed you walking back in the room, the ring back in the box inside Reiner's pocket.

Everyone was now standing, smiles on their faces, even Annie showing one of her rare ones. You were holding a new plate of donuts when you noticed them, with Reiner in the middle, nervous eyes staring right at yours.

Stepping towards you, Annie took the plate before going back to her spot. A few chuckles from Zeke, Bertolt and Pieck followed while Reiner shock his head.

Still outside, the kids saw Reiner start talking about something. Whatever it is, it must have been emotional because everyone in the room was listening with anticipation.

"I can't hear anything" unlocking the window, Gabi opened it just slighly. The muffled sound of music becoming clear as Reiner was finishing his speech.

"And you'd make me the happiest man in the world" he got on one knee, hand taking something out of his pocket. "If we could spend the rest of our lives together and I'll cherish every single moment you're by my side."

He opened the red box, holding the ring in front of you, eyes pleading. "Will you please marry me?"

The second you said yes, Reiner pulled you in the tightest most loving hug in your life, muttering "thank you"s under his breath. You could taste saltiness of his tears when he kissed your lips, still not letting go.

"He's crying" Udo said, feeling his own glasses getting a bit blurred.

"They're kissing." Falco's face was as red as a tomato, covering his blushing face with his hand but looking through his fingers.

"Annie finished all the donuts" was Zofia's comment with a pout.

Gabi's hold on the window got tighter, her lips quivering. "We have to stop them. They can't get married!" And like that, she slammed the window open before climbing inside.

"Gabi! Wait!" Falco tried grabbing her sleeve but was too slow, so he climbed after her into the room.

As expected from two children suddenly breaking in the room through the window, everyone's eyes were on them with surprised expressions.

Looking straight at Reiner, Gabi pulled you away from him before snatching the ring box from his hand. "NO! no one is marrying anyone" with all her might, she threw the box to Falco before telling him to run away.

Having been dragged into the middle of this, Falco looked at Colt's concerned expression, Reiner's confused face and Pieck's amused one. Stepping near Colt, he was about to give him the ring when he saw Gabi's face, making his stop midway.

"Run Falco! Just go!" She yelled, tears streaming down her face, legs shaking. "They can't leave us! Not like our parents did..."

Falco felt his chest tightening, recalling how empty the house feels with just him and Colt being away for work most of the time. How cold it is, unlike the warmth he feels whenever they stay over at your house.

He began tearing up too, holding the box so tightly to his chest.

It was Reiner who made the first move, while everyone was stunned looking at the two crying children. Pulling the both of them to his chest as they sobbed, he wrapped his arm safely around them. He looked at you and you followed in his steps.

-

After some time and explaining, Colt was comforting Falco while on the couch with Pieck doing the same on his other side. You had Zofia on your lap while she ate some Donuts you stashed away from Annie. Gabi was still clutching to Reiner with Udo on his other side doing the same.

Gabi would take a bite out of a donut, cry a bit then take another bite. Sometimes glancing at the red box on the table.

With time, reassuring words and Zeke making the kids laugh, things slowly got better. Reiner and you completely reassured them that you're never leaving, you love them more than anything in this world. That getting marriage is going to get you even more closer together than anything.

Hearing those words calmed Gabi down, each of them made you make a pinky promise to not replace them ever, same thing to Reiner.

That's when Bertolt brought up the fact you still haven't worn the ring, and it might make them feel better if they were the one to place it on your hand. And that seemed to grab their attention as they began arguing between themselves which one of them should do the honour.

{ The Lanterns, circa 1910 by Charles Courtney Curran 1861-1942 }

Headcanons

Strap in because boi are we in for a ride. These kids went through a lot even in a modern non-war world

They all have an altered negative view on marriage, especially Gabi and Falco.

Both of Falco's parents are deceased, he lives alone with Colt who's trying his hardest to work and take care of both of them, of course Zeke and Pieck help a lot too and try to be his stand in parents.

He knows about love and how good it is, he just thinks marriage would mean you and Reiner might also go away.

Gabi's parents are alive and well, they're just rarely in her life. She's an alone child with no siblings, so far Reiner has been her only relative that she counts as family.

Her parents often leave her at her aunt's house whenever they go on a trip away, or as she started getting older, alone in the house. It gave her a lot of freedom but also a misguided and neglectful life.

Reiner has been trying to fill both roles of her parents for her, and when you came along it was like a dream coming true, she suddenly has someone who truly cares for her being and loves her unconditionally.

So when she heard you were getting married, something in her snapped and fears about you both leaving her too just like her parents clouded her mind.

Udo and Zofia both have their moms only, they bond over it. In Udo's case it was after his father passed away in an accident that his mother became really overprotective and Borderline overbearing.

She's worried about everything, he feels like it's his fault somehow and can't help but copy her anxiety and paranoia.

When he heard about you getting married, he felt a sting of pain and guilt, like he's getting in the way and it never was his real family to begin with.

Zofia's mom is another case, her dad left them when she was younger without a word. Her mother lost trust in anyone after that and was emotionally unavailable.

She saw how hurt her mother was over her dad, she wanted to be strong for her mom and never have to depend on anyone.

So when she heard you were getting married, a sense of dread filled her at realising one of you will hurt the other somehow and she will have to be strong on her own again.

The four of them looked up to you both, were loved and cherished by you both like they've longed for so long.

They fear losing you, they fear losing the warmth, love and care you showed them.

So take it slow with them please, they've been hurt a lot. They don't mean to be ungrateful or rude they're just kids who are terrfied.

Be paitent and slowly introduce them to marriage in a new light, let them grief over their own parents in a healthy way while comforting them. Make them feel included in the planning and wedding and everything and I promise you they'll be fighting for the flower girl spot at the wedding if you just take it slow and gentle.

Yes even Falco and Udo want to be the flower girl.

[i-did]

hi mlm here. so i want to write andreil smut but im a virgin so i have no idea what exactly sex is like. but i do not want to write it for the.... straight women gaze. what are some things that are accurate to write about. this is prolly super nsfw but i dont know who to ask.

Okay so this response took me literally months, and I'm sorry about that. I honestly was so excited when I got this question. I don't know why I put off responding?? But here I go: 

CW for discussion of NSFW, STD’s, and a lil homophobia

I bet a lot of people who write smut are virgins tbh, that's not to insult anyone or anything, but like writing is a non physical way to explore sex and fantasies by yourself, so you’re definitely not alone lol.

So you're MLM and want to write smut, (and others who want to get my opinions on writing non-fetishistic smut).

Porn is porn and can have unrealistic circumstances to fulfill said fantasy, such as anything from people messing around in locker rooms to tentacles.

To get a general sense of what is common in MLM sexuality, (rather than the typical feminine gaze that is seen in smut) looking at gay porn and gay porn categories is good insight. 

Bear culture, muscle culture, leather culture, etc. 

These are obviously still porn and unrealistic, however being attracted to sweat, jockstraps, and muscles is very common outside of porn. 

Bear culture is a body-positive movement that started because of the gay community's fat-phobia, age-phobia, and overall shittyness about body hair. 

Leather culture is also really big, it started because of the belief that gay men couldn’t be dominant or “masculine”, even in bed. So in America, leather culture was a way a lot of MLM embraced themselves. 

Going to pride, you will see many men wearing those leather harnesses, it doesn't indicate a preference of topping or bottoming necessarily, they're just something mlm wear and has grown quite popular in the culture, I've known some men to say it feels like a security blanket for them. 

And I think it’s very important to understand these cultures or at least be aware of them on a base level if you’re going to write gay porn. 

Also looking at erotic MLM art made by men, there is Tom of Finland, who was very historically significant, and is the most famous erotic gay artist. There is gay literature, one that openly talks about sex quite frankly is the book “We Both Laughed In Pleasure: The Selected Diaries of Lou Sullivan” which is a series of diary excerpts from a real gay trans man where you follow his life up until he died during the aids epidemic. He talks about sex with partners and discovering himself as well as what being a gay man means to him. He has a real love for sex in a way that is very unashamed and interesting to read about. We know that he wrote the latter half of his diaries with the plan of compiling them and publishing them but he passed away and people in his life carried out this wish for him. He is considered a significant part of gay and transgender history because of this, and his diaries are in LGBT museums. 

Reading gay poetry, looking at gay art, erotic, romantic, grungy, whatever, and you will find and see how they portray things differently than when it’s not portrayed by gay men usually. I mean there is a clear difference between yaoi and bara and that's the audience and authors. Some yaoi are made by MLM, (well technically their called gei comi, or gay comics in Japanese)

“Also known as ‘gei comi’ or ‘men's love,’ bara comics are by men, for men. There is a yaoi equivalent to this, and it is called ‘gachi muchi’-- it is written by women, for women.” – myanimelist.net (lol)

 but more than 90% aren't. I haven't ever heard of a non-MLM bara artist, but I'm sure there's at least one. 

Of course, I've seen things depicting MLM just together pretty realistically that didn't feel like it was written by someone who definitely wasn't MLM, but these scenes tend to be more writing in the general sense of art in the general sense rather than porn, which has a huge gap in characteristics between stuff usually written by MLM vs when it's written by women. (sorry about the binary language here)

I know some people don't like any realism in their porn, but I personally really like small details such as prep being mentioned, foreplay, even acknowledgment of the existence of condoms even if they choose to go without.

Especially as an MLM who lives in America currently, the ever-present acknowledgment and stigmatism of AIDS is around us. We think about it, even when we don't want to. An entire generation of MLM, trans people, and a lot of POC were wiped out. Not necessarily a PWP detail, but including discussion of prep, PrEP (the anti HIV medication) and/or getting tested, even for diseases besides HIV, is a small detail that I think is nice. MLM often have to have a moment when opening up a conversation about sex where HIV is mentioned, our dating apps and hook up apps have sections where you put positive, negative, non-transmissible/undetectable, or prefer not to say. The books take place in 2006 so PrEP didn't exist yet, but also the aids pandemic was happening when they were being born and as young kids, so it wasn't that long ago in society's mind. It's still illegal for many trans people and MLM to donate blood despite that the blood is screened for diseases after donation. 

Also, some realism I like is when a character isn't getting their ass ate first in the morning. Like, for me that's a huge turn-off because I think “holy fuck hygiene.” specifically with anal play I just really think even casually mentioning “washing up” or basic prep, or if you want more accuracy/details mention time between last meals or “x only ate a salad, so he would be fine”. It's like a joke in the gay community to eat chili fries or some shit on a date to indicate that either there will be no anal, or if there is you’re not going to be the one to do it, because you just fuckin ate those fries to say so. 

A cock just going in without prep and no condom is going to A) hurt very bad the body does not do that naturally and can cause injury B) get shit dick.

An also not sexy detail that is common for sex is just laying down a towel so you don’t have to wash sheets. Lube on hands? Wipe off on the towel that you’re on rn. Laying down a towel is pretty normal especially for anal. But this is if you’re going for a much more playing for accuracy sex scene. 

Honestly just writing fingering and prep and stuff like that in my opinion goes a long way and also gives the audience more to read. 

Also, sex is way more than peen in hole. Get creative, frottage, mutual masturbation, docking? Idk like thigh fucking, fucking buttcheeks but not hole, handies, blowies, anal oral, Neil doesn’t have to be the only one who gets his ass ate and things don’t have to follow formulas, in fact, they’re better when they don’t. 

Sex comes in many forms, and like I’ve definitely been with someone and he took off his shirt and I was like what, because he was skinny and clean-shaven and I didn’t expect him to have nearly as much chest hair as he did. I bet honestly Neil has a massive bush, like fuckin, massive. 

Andrew and Neil don’t have to like everything the same amount, Neil could be like “I wanna lick your armpit” and gets really off on it, Andrew is neutral but likes that Neil likes it and agrees even if it does nothing for him physically. Honestly, Neil having a sweat kink imo is pretty fitting lol. 

Try not to categorize the characters into “the bottom” and “the top”, or “the man” and “the woman”

This is something I see a lot and pay attention to how “the bottom” tends to adopt traits that are seen in straight porn that are over-exaggerated. I’m not saying it's inherently wrong to write someone as slim, but we know Neil isn't delicate, but I personally wouldn't categorize him as slim. He's a college-level athlete and is definitely muscular and defined, he has some bulk at least, he isn’t model lean for sure imo. You also often see PWP where the bottom makes a bunch of noise and the top makes none, or the top grunts and the bottom mewls, these are things I personally feel gives the bottom the role of a woman in porn. I don’t think Andreil have rough sex necessarily, but I do think when Neil does make noise, it would be because it was practically punched out of him by the feeling, and would sound more like a gasp than a kitten or whatever. There's nothing wrong with writing them both grunting, both of their voices being lower. Someone bottoming doesn’t suddenly magically not have secondary sex characteristics and stubble and body hair or a deep voice or however, they’re like everywhere else. 

When I read an over-emphasis on Neil’s slim waist and swaying hips and ass I’m like,,, okay someone please mention Andrew looking at Neil’s dick or bulge or shoulders. As an MLM, what do you find hot about men? I like stomachs and arms and shoulders, jawlines, collarbones, asses yes but like in a different way than how I like women’s asses (I’m bi lol) they are smaller and I like them muscled and squared almost. I look at veins on hands and noses and shoulders and backs, I look at a lot and I honestly don't have a type. But yeah so think about what you like, why you like it, what you might want. Or look at what others like, and why and how they want and like it.

what would Neil like, how would he feel about it? And Andrew. I kinda feel like Andrew is low-key masc 4 masc but that's just me lmaoo. Anyways, good luck writing. 

[quietest-rebellion]

Do the chaos household for that character meme you coward

Me upon realizing I have to explain what that is

Basically it's the idea of my fav murder boys having to live together. This being Stefano, Eddie, and Higgs. @christmasace and I came up with this one night and it has been our main source of serotonin since.

I'm going to do the character break downs for them in the context of their original games though. So anyway, buckle in, lads, this'll be a long one. (Eddie and Higgs will be below the cut)

Stefano Valentini

How I feel about this character

Fav. Favest of favs. I would willingly die for this man in a heartbeat. His voice? Beautiful. His personality? Snarky. His art? Breath taking. The way that he has to fix his hair after getting shot with a smoke bolt? Hilarious. Me? I'm in love. Also the fact he put jokes outside of the theater is iconic. Anyway, Stefano was an appealing character from the moment I first saw him in Markiplier's playthrough. I didn't realize I'd fallen until I started crying at his death and Mark was like "I don't even feel a little bad!" Because then I was like "oh shit why am I crying" Also I believe Stefano is an undiagnosed autistic man with horrible PTSD and brain damage(obviously) and I will die on this hill. I could talk about how I feel about Stefano for pages but I won't right now.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Me. Honestly I feel like Stefano is either an asexual aromantic, who only cares about his art, or he is a raging bisexual who is extremely picky with men since he himself is such a perfect man. As for actual ships though, I feel like Stefano is attracted to Sebastian and flirts with him throughout the game. I just don't really see the idea of Sebastian flirting back. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Emily Lewis. I love the idea of them being in a relationship, official or unofficial, and then things went south and he killed her. Stefano killed a lot of people before being put into STEM, why was this one so special he had to make a series of displays representing her? I don't know, just my thoughts.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

This is gonna sound weird, but I guess Theodore? Look, I just love the idea of Stefano driving Theodore insane and making him regret ever hiring him. And like, all the memes everyone makes about it? Amazing. (A personal favorite, also the one that I made) Plus, "You are special. You've always been special." Yeah, anyway I really need to know what the other half of that conversation was. Does Obscura count? I think she does. I see Stefano and Obscura's relationship being like that of a father and daughter or of a pet and an owner. He just loves her so much and he's so snippy when Sebastian gets to the theater the first time. "You did not appreciate my beautiful Obscura's performance." I imagine if you actually chose to fight and kill her in Ch. 7 he was really upset about it. Guardian is along the same lines as Obscura but I think Obscura has a higher place in his mind. 1. Because she is a camera and takes more photos for him. 2. There is confirmed to be more than one Guardian so he probably doesn't grow overly attached to any particular one, where there is only one Obscura. 3. Stefano seems to love whatever he did most recently the most, which is fair. As an artist, it really just Be Like That.

My unpopular opinion of this character

Unpopular only in the world of the game, but his art is good.  Actual unpopular opinion? Not sure I have one, tbh.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon

I say it literally all the time but I really want a prequel comic or SOMETHING to tell us more about him as character. What happened to his family? Why did he come to America? What war was he injured in?  Also the idea of him getting some dlc for the second game is still always on my mind, like, it could take place before and during the main game and it’s just us fucking around and making art and then catching Lily and fighting Sebastian. I am not gonna say that he didn’t deserve to die in canon, so really I wouldn’t change that.

Eddie Gluskin

How I feel about this character

Look... uh... I honestly am not sure how to describe my feelings for him. Because on one hand, is a misogynistic asshole who deserves literally everything that happened to him as an adult. But on the other hand, he was an abused child that grew into a hurt and sick adult. Also, when he’s not trying to kill you he is quite the gentleman.  Basically, I love this character, but I have no idea why and am slightly ashamed about it.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Literally no one. This man should not be in a relationship with any of the canon characters. I’d like to imagine an AU where he is sane and settled down with a wife and had 2.5 kids and lived together in their house with a white picket fence but that isn’t going to happen obviously.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Look, I know they never interact with each other, but Eddie and Trager. And like, not as friends really but more as weird acquaintances. They talk about surgeries and such, share a drink every now and then, complain about women, etc. 

My unpopular opinion of this character

He’s straight. 

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon

I just wish he would’ve been sent to a place that could actually help him instead of Mt. Massive. But then he wouldn’t be in the game, lmao. ALSO, there is a lot of unused Eddie dialogue in the files for the game. I really wish that all of them would have actually been included in the game. Some gems include: “Did I...? Oh lord. I forgot to give you an anesthetic, didn’t I? Eddie, you doofus! Would forget my own head if it was screwed on!” (Timestamp 16:32) “There you go. No, no, don’t cry. You’re not dying. I’m going to make you better.” (Timestamp 10:13) 

Higgs Monaghan

How I feel about this character

Garbage boy stink man. Just a rowdy, dirty boy. Pizza rat. Like, I sometimes have a difficult time imagining that he ran a company before he was a terrorist, because he doesn’t seem like a very organized person. Higgs is so multifaceted it’s impressive. In the game we only really get to see him a this asshole who wants to end the world. In his journals we see his hunt for power and want to be important. In his bunker we see the organized chaos of how his brain worked and how he operated his life. Not to mention the Peter Englert emails that are so well written. Anyway, I love him.  Plus I’m gonna mention something my sister(Thrushheart) pointed out when I was having her watch me play. He is the exact opposite of Sam. Examples: Sam hates being touched or touching people. Higgs is touching people as often as he can, including but not limited to even licking them. Sam is reconnecting the world, at first for Amelie, then for everyone he’s met along the way. Higgs is ending the world, at first for Amelie, then for himself(or possibly still for Amelie). Higgs is loud and bombastic while Sam is more quiet and reserved. Sam is smol and Higgs is tol.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Look, I’m not gonna say that I do or do not ship Goldenbridges. I’m not sure how I feel about it because, as I said, Higgs and Sam are such contrasting personalities I don’t think it would work. Fragile. Okay, okay, I know what you’re thinking, but I imagine they were together before he met Amelie. His betrayal would mean even more if this was true. And in his journals he only ever refers to Fragile as “his partner.” Now I know this was done to hide that they were his journals and because they were work partners, but it could also mean more. And of course we can’t forget the somber and clear writing, directly over his bed in his bunker. “Fragile forget you ever met me.” And how surprised he was to see her on the beach after the fight. The sad look he gave her as she caressed his face. Aaahhhh.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

I wasn’t sure whether to include Higgs relationship with Amelie here or in the last section. But he quite literally worshiped her and the ground she walked on so  🤷🏻‍♀️  I don’t feel like she ever really gave a fuck about him though. Amelie is extremely manipulative and proves that every time she opens her mouth so I have no doubt she told him whatever he wanted to hear so that he would help her.

The Veteran Porter. If you worked hard enough to get more than one star with this guy, you learn that he used to work for Higgs and that’s why he is reluctant to trust the UCA. I like to think that he and Higgs were good buddies before Amelie.

My unpopular opinion of this character

With likable villains it’s hard to figure what is a popular opinion and what is not. So I’m really not sure. Maybe just that he didn’t get enough screen time?

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon

Redemption ark! Redemption ark! Higgs is the one guy on this list where I’m like, “Okay, he saw the error in his ways. Maybe he gets a second chance.”

______________________________________________________________

Anyway, that’s all of them! If you actually read this whole thing, first of all... wow. Second of all, thanks! Here is a screenshot of these chaos boys from The Sims 4 as your reward. 

[thepandemicinterviews]

Lily, December 13 2020, Sydney

The Guardian recently asked their readers how they would describe 2020 in one word. The top two words were ‘shit’ and ‘fucked’. I, too, am partial to the simplicity of a swearword, as you’ll see towards the end of this interview with Lily. I noticed as well our constant usage of crazy and insane to describe anything from literature to dreams to the general feeling of this year. Much like shit or fucked: when faced with utter absurdity, it is difficult for our brains to not reach for the most compact yet forceful words to express a sense of awe (in one of my psychology classes this year, we learnt that awe is apparently a combination of fear, joy, surprise, and embarrassment). There is no value judgment here: crazy, in the sense used below, is not good or bad. There are some emotional reactions that resist language – these overused words are a placeholder for silently screaming. Anyway, let’s lean into the madness and await catharsis. It’s okay to surrender every once in a while.

Today I thought of a better word to describe 2020. Tragicomedy. Merriam-Webster defines tragicomedy as ‘a drama or a situation blending tragic and comic elements.’ Tragicomedy goes hand in hand with a sense of alienation from reality. Amidst long stretches of despair and disconnection, there has been no shortage of satirical articles to help us along. Empty laughter is still laughter. And then there are tears, the ultimate symbol of the tragic. To quote myself in the interview, there’s a lot to cry about.

I honestly feel that tragicomedy is the literary genre that most resembles real life. Or perhaps it is a lens through which to narrativise real life, one that allows for the interlacing of misery and humour. Perhaps some of us are more inclined towards drama than others.

Lily and I were Tumblr mutuals for a few months or a few years, I’m not sure, before finally meeting through real life mutual friends. I was immediately drawn to Lily’s intelligence, her love of literature and all that is slightly intangible. Her unpretentious brilliance and interest in the lives of others resounds loudly in our interview. I feel blessed, and I feel warm, to have recorded this conversation.

With the close of our-year-in-chaos, 2020, as our backdrop, Lily and I ponder dreams, crying, pleasure, and the mysterious early months of the coronavirus. For those who make it to the end of the interview: sadly we did not see any shooting stars as we got the day wrong. But that shouldn’t stop us, or you, from wishing and dreaming for a less tragic 2021. 

C: Hi Lily. What’s been on your mind recently?

L: Oh man. A lot of things. Who am I? What am I? And what is this? [Laughs.] I think at the moment I’ve just been very surprised and overwhelmed by being a person. It’s been a very strange year and I’ve been reading a very strange writer in a very strange context for that writer. And I think I’ve just felt sort of strange coming out of that experience now that things are open. And it just feels very strange to be among people again, sort of, and really missing that. But also finding it all very odd. I think when you spend a lot of time, you forget what it is you are. In both a good and bad way. Do you agree Chloe?

C: Well, I’m thinking about how the person you are, or how you conceptualise who you are, when you spend a lot of time with yourself and not with other people – it can change a lot as soon as you start spending a lot of time around other people. Who you are, like what you think you are.

L: I think a lot of what has happened this year is people have spent a lot of time with themselves, and for some that has meant lots of really wonderful things like hobbies and things that they would’ve never taken up if they were living their day to day life with lots of friends and family. Loneliness can always have a very creative effect on people. But I think simultaneously now that we’re all among each other again a bit more, lots of the self-focused things that people were doing during lockdown have made them maybe slightly more intolerant to other people? That’s my experience. At least, both for myself and for others. I don’t know, it’s so strange. I used to never be bothered by other people’s daily things. It used to just not bother me, but suddenly it’s like really irritating.

C: You’re standing too close to me…

L: Exactly, you’re standing too close to me, did you just sneeze. All of these absurd reactions.

C: Literally a year ago today we would have never considered someone coughing on the train concerning.

L: No, exactly. In fact, I used to take pride in not being concerned by anything like that. I was like, the poor person is sick! Good on them for being out and about. That’s really changed. Now it’s like, oh my god, if you get me sick and then I kill someone.

C: There’s so much involved.

L: I actually had a funny experience the other day where – and this is partly why I actually felt like it was sort of fate, Chloe, that you asked to interview me at this point in the year. It’s true, because I think in the early part of the year, I don’t know, I was just – there were a lot of different experiences I was just sort of overwhelmed by. I underwent so many transformations in mood throughout this whole period. And I only think now that I’m sort of coming to a breaking point in my experience of this whole thing.

C: That’s amazing.

L: It is good! And I think yesterday, I just felt really happy. I just felt relieved somehow. I just had this sort of sense of relief in my heart that we’d come to the better side of what all of this is.

C: And the rest of the world is undergoing the worst they’ve ever seen.

L: Undergoing the worst, I know. And that’s so alienating. I think that’s actually probably been my worst and main feeling this year is just feeling sort of alienated from my own experience, from other people. Not really knowing how to talk to people in Melbourne, not really knowing how to talk to my family in the UK and in America. Because I’ve just felt like what was going on for me was just really different. It’s been that combined with I think just, in many ways, it’s just been overwhelming but sort of alienating being inside a lot for a long period of time. Or sort of the opposite of alienating such that you don’t get used to the amount of alienation. Like when you go out in the world and you are different from it, I think there’s a slight sort of alienation but in a really productive way, a way that’s really fun and enjoyable. But this year being inside a lot, you sort of lack all feelings of alienation and completely dwell in your own space, such that you go outside and you’re much more alienated because it’s no longer that nice, sort of productive space anymore. You’re not really a part of that. You feel like you are your house. Space is such a strange thing. When you move through lots of different spaces in the world, you sort of feel more like you’re simply you, in your body, as opposed to an entire space. And I think that’s a nice balance. Being able to envision yourself in different spaces and that’s not too alienating, you just feel part of it, I think. Did that make any sense or was that completely chaotic?

C: It was very chaotic, but I’m thinking about like space at a warehouse party where there’s no space and everyone’s… But there’s enough space that it’s comfortable but you know, you’re surrounded by people and that being allowed.

L: Yeah, it does weird things to people. I think I was originally going to tell a story but then that ended up breaking up into a million different thoughts.

C: Do you know what the story was?

L: Yeah, I do. It has to do with how I sort of came to a breaking point and it’s the significant thing that has happened at the end in terms of Covid this year, in terms of my life this year. Not like in itself as an event, but I felt like a sort of lead up to some event like this. Which was, a couple of days ago I had my first ballet exam. So I did that.

C: First ever?

L: First ever ballet exam. Which was really fun. It was really stressful, but it was fine.

C: Were you with other people?

L: Yeah, I was with two fourteen year olds. So I did that. I hadn’t had any breakfast because I was nervous for the exam. And then I went to the library and I had a talk at 2pm in front of the English faculty and all my Honours cohort. And it was just on something you’d learnt, so of course I hadn’t written it. I just thought, I’ve learnt so many things, I’ll be able to just come together and say something. And I ended up sort of thinking what could I use to reflect on my year. And I found some sort of quote from one of my second year essays. It wasn’t even a particularly good essay, but I was like yeah, I think that quote that I wrote about in that essay really fits this whole theme. And we’re at this talk and the first two speakers at the event were quite funny. Very well curated talks. One girl even said afterwards that she’d recorded herself speaking, which I found fascinating that she’d recorded herself. I was like, wow, these five to seven minutes were…

C: That important to her.

L: They were that important! She was going to make them good. I, on the other hand, wrote my speech in forty minutes when I hadn’t had lunch or breakfast. It was like 1:30pm. Anyway, I loved those two speakers. I still pretty much had faith in myself to speak on the spot and say something, which was maybe cocky. It was so strange when I got up and started speaking, and the first thing I said was, it’s so nice just to be here in this space among humans. I just started going on about how everyone looked so different three-dimensionally. It was so nice to hear voices, I just wanted to hear voices. That was sort of why I wanted to do this [laughs]. I just missed hearing the human voice. And I just started crying! Like, really crying. So much, at one point I was like okay, I’m just going to take a few breaths. I took a few breaths, and as I went back to talk I sort of like – you know when someone sort of cry-coughs in this weird way? And as I sort of cry-coughed trying to speak, a big bit of snot flew out of my nose, onto my hand!

C: How many people are here?

L: Like all of my English professors. The room was full with thirty-five people maybe. People who are my teachers. Everyone was there. When I saw the snot – there were no tissues, because obviously everyone’s like, no one should be sick if they’re going to be out, so we didn’t have tissues around. What they did have was a bloody Covid anti-bacterial cloth [laughs]. I sort of looked at it, went to grab it, and then was like, okay, no. That would be too much.

C: So good. A real Covid story!

L: Yeah. But I genuinely, I just kept crying, it was horrible. I completely lost the thread of what I was saying. I was like, I read Middlemarch in [so-and-so’s] class, and it was really good. And I thought that Dorothy and Will’s love was real – I just said all these ridiculous things. And I told everyone that before Honours, I used to dream about my essays, but I found instead this year it was really boring, which is probably the worst thing that I said!

C: You didn’t have any dreams about your essays?

L: I used to dream about my essays.

C: But not this year?

L: I probably have dreamt about them this year, but I’ve had fewer essays. And they’ve just been research essays, where the sensation of dreaming, it’s more like a nightmare. It’s like, oh my god, did I say that?

C: Do you dream about them after they’re written or are they like dreams that are conjuring up ideas?

L: Okay, I have to admit I still do have dreams in the nice way. But like probably two. Whereas I used to just have dreams, they used to be relaxing, that was the main thing that happened with essays.

C: What did one of the dreams look like?

L: Where you feel like you’re – I’ve always just described the sensation of just like getting deeper into something. You’re just like, yes, I’m going to get the mystery of this whole subject! I can feel the mystery in my fingers. Just this really sort of crazy sensation that makes you not want to wake up because it’s so good.

C: Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever had an essay dream. It sounds fantastic. Mine are like quite just not clear.

L: How do you feel in your dreams?

C: I feel like I’m just not really there. I don’t really have thoughts, I’m just… It’s not linked to me.

L: Yeah, they’re not linked to you. They’re not like intense.

C: They’re intense, but they’re not linked to my real life in the way that digging into your already existing essay is.

L: Right. They’re sort of glimpses of worlds. Is that how it feels? Are they like human worlds or are they like colours?

C: Oh yeah. No, I have dreams about things that are happening.

L: Not like directly happening to you.

C: It all feels a bit vague and murky. It’s not like a sharp, like, we’re writing an essay.

L: It’s funny, I mean I wouldn’t describe them as sharp because they’re still vague, but I think it’s more like a degree of intensity. Because you wake up in the morning, you don’t know what – like what can I say except that I was dreaming about the essay. Sometimes I can articulate clear ideas but they’re always just completely nonsensical if you go to say them. They just sound like very weird words. Someone’s always doing something unexpected, something that just doesn’t really fit or even necessarily reveal anything deep and meaningful. There’s this really chaotic element, and then there’s this sort of sharp sensation that it’s linked to something that is going on, maybe, with your life. And maybe that’s what – you have a dream, you don’t necessarily feel like it actually reflects anything in your real life in a clear – yeah, it’s not connected to that. It’s something else. But I think my dreams are vague. I don’t know anyone who has non-vague dreams. Can you imagine?

C: No, my friend has like really detailed and long dreams. And she can write it all out and it’s like a whole page.

L: I can write out my dreams. But they’re just crazy.

C: So you remember them?

L: I do remember them, yeah. If I write them.

C: But I wake up and I can’t remember it to the point of writing it. I can kind of feel it.

L: You feel that you had a dream.

C: I can feel it, and I maybe get little glimmers of a memory, but then it goes.

L: Yeah. I find those little hauntings so strange when you get a glimmer of a memory of a dream. It’s so crazy. I think because I dream a lot, I often have them throughout the day but I can’t remember when I dreamt that dream. But it gives everything an eerie feeling. Like what the hell. It’s like I’m living another life sort of in their dream and it’s affecting me emotionally. But just like, what’s the relationship between that dreaming world and that world that you didn’t consciously produce.

C: And for some people the lines are more blurred.

L: For sure. I think it’s always scared me, I feel for me they’re quite blurred. And I think it’s a scary sensation, you really can’t go too far with that.

C: Yeah.

L: I think honestly the thing that’s blurred the lines for me the most is literature and dreaming. I always find it really surprising that other people don’t realise how crazy literature is. It’s insane. What’s disconcerted me and what particularly disconcerted me on that day at the talk at the English department was I was like, how do people study this stuff? Like what is going on here. All of these people are dressed up like this is their job? This is the craziest thing in the world! Literature is insane! Do you guys know what you’re doing?

C: Let’s stop pretending. Stop wearing those suits.

L: Why are we pretending? I think particularly while I was crying, I was like, if you think this is crazy, have you ever read a book? You guys, you’ve all read books. This is normal, this is fine, this stuff happens. Much worse happens!

C: No, it’s the best place to do that.

L: Yes.

C: Citi did a similar thing in her acting class. She was meant to be doing some kind of role play. And then she just started laughing, and then crying, and she couldn’t stop.

L: No! Yes. Ugh. I hate that, I hate that. I mean, it’s sort of – I love criers, I love people who cry. I think crying can be incited by so many things. Crying, I think, it’s often its best and its worst at times when you’ve experienced some bit of rejection or grief. Like it doesn’t have to be a real rejection, just you perceive rejection. And if one other disappointment just really sort of crushes something of you at that moment, and it needs to be released in tears. And it can feel really good. It’s intense, though.

C: It’s intense in front of other people.

L: Yeah. Why does it feel so embarrassing? It’s all snotty.

C: Imagine if people just cried all the time around each other.

L: Some people can’t cry. My boyfriend’s like, I don’t cry, I can’t cry.

C: That’s fucked.

L: I don’t understand. I definitely cry once a week.

C: Same. There’s a lot to cry about.

L: There’s a lot to cry about. I used to have amazing crying fits before I was in a relationship. Now you can’t really have crying fits unless you’re by yourself.

C: You live with someone.

L: You live with someone and they’re like, what is wrong? And you’re like, I just need to do this.

C: It feels good.

L: Yeah, it’s hard for people to imagine. Some people just completely freak out about crying. When I came home I told my housemate what had happened, and he said, that sounds terrible, I wouldn’t have liked to be in the audience. There are just a lot of people for whom criers are just really embarrassing. And they’re just like, oh my god, I can’t believe you’re expressing emotion, I would never do that.

C: And that’s literature. It’s so tied to expressing emotion in socially not accepted ways.

L: Yes, for sure. All the different ways that people cope. Which is so strange to think. I can’t imagine being a person who doesn’t think about that all the time. How do people cope? What are they doing? There are so many ways of doing it, but you don’t know unless you talk to people or you read books, what’s going on for them. And often people don’t at least talk to each other in that sort of way. It’s more of a thing now amongst the young. But still, even though, lots of people have a lot of trouble. And you can always get better, really. It’s kind of like, I don’t really know entirely what’s going on with me obviously. No one knows for sure. Like we were talking about earlier, sort of with psychology, there’s only so much you get to know yourself without someone else.

[Both deeply sigh.]

C: Just seeing that in writing, like, both sigh deeply [laughs].

L: That was a massive sigh! I think we both needed to take a breath as well.

C: My yoga class today I found that I could breathe in time to [the instructor] a lot easier, a lot more naturally. Like my breathing improved. So that was nice.

L: That’s beautiful. The breathing is so nice, right? I used to hate breathing, but I like it now.

C: It’s a muscle that you have to train.

L: Yeah, it’s true. When it’s properly trained. I think running has really helped train my breath. I love the feeling of deepening your lungs. A sort of internal stretch.

C: Beautiful. Internal stretch. Good band name, perhaps?

L: It’s a bit scary! Chloe! This is hilarious.

* * *

L: I’ve really just missed overhearing conversations actually. That’s the one thing I wanted to tell you was that there’s something particularly beautiful about your blog to me, because the thing that I’ve missed most is not hearing other people have conversations. For almost no point as well, like a conversation that’s purely just about like, who are you, who am I, what’s going on? You know what I mean?

C: Yeah, and people have a lot to say if you ask.

L: Exactly, exactly. If you are just a bit curious.

C: Often in social settings, in a group, you don’t really get to ask about people’s thoughts and feelings.

L: Yeah, it’s true. I think often we just wait for people to come to us to say things that they want to say. There are so many things that people would just never say for that reason because they’re not going to think that you’re interested.

C: It’s amazing what a bit of interest can do to someone. That’s all like counselling. Someone actually cares.

L: Someone cares. Interest makes people interesting, usually, as well. Because they don’t just give you the sort of one word, ordinary answer where it’s just for the sake of it. If you actually seem interested, they might try to give you a real answer.

C: Ask further questions.

L: What’s the most interesting question someone has ever asked you? Or is there any question that someone has asked you and you’ve been like, wow, that was really psychic?

C: I can’t think of anything right now.

L: It’s hard to come up with on the spot.

C: Can you think of anything?

L: No, actually. But I think one thing that I’ve noticed, I used to not answer people’s questions because I thought they weren’t interesting. But then I went through this period of really liking it, and now I think this year almost I haven’t been that interested in people’s questions. Which I think is strange. It’s strange not just really really liking people’s questions. Maybe people haven’t really asked me any questions. Because I haven’t had that experience this year very much of having questions posed to me, and finding that interesting. I was noticing the other day, I was just like, what has happened? Has someone done this to me? Do I not like questions anymore? But I think that’s just, when you’re not at university and you’re not meeting people very often, people you don’t see day to day. People day to day, who live with you day to day often don’t ask you big questions. They’ll ask you little questions and because they observe you every day, they don’t necessarily realise that there might be all kinds of things going on inside of you unless you express that.

* * *

L: Pleasure is a very good thing. I don’t like it as much as I used to though. I don’t know, in some ways I like it more.

C: What kinds of pleasure? Just like pleasure in its purest form?

L: Yeah, enjoying food, sex, music. Very sort of sensory excitement. Genuine pleasure.

C: Those are the three pleasures! Food, sex, music.

L: There are other pleasures, but… Reading novels is a different sensation, it’s not quite as immediate. You have to build a sort of story. And of course, we can feel ourselves as part of stories as well and that can be very pleasurable sometimes. It’s like, I’m this sort of person, I have this sort of trace, these are my people. That stuff can be really meaningful even if not sort of directly pleasurable in the same way. I think that’s the really nice thing about direct pleasure, it takes you away from that more satisfying pleasure, like you’re on the sort of story narrative. People need a break from that, because often people don’t feel like they’re in a very good story.

C: I have just over – I don’t know, maybe it’s not over, like maybe it’s just normal and good – I just always create these narratives for what’s going to happen, what that means, and it never works that way. So I should stop narrativising but, you know, it’s instinctual.

L: It’s so instinctual. But the horrible thing about it I find is that it’s not just sort of narrativising what has happened, it is narrativising what’s going to happen in the future. When it comes to the future, it’s terrible because you just have so little control over it. So basically whatever you imagine is just not going to happen. Unlike with the past where it’s already happened.

C: Exactly. Sometimes I’m like, if I’m imagining this, it won’t happen. The chances are.

L: It’s true.

C: I just had a bit of a rollercoaster and I’ve come to the point where I’m like relationships don’t happen. Like it’s impossible. I’m not going to try to date anymore because it’s just futile.

L: Dating is one of the hardest things to try to plot and plan. Like you can meet people, but I think the worst thing is that a lot of people who are looking to meet people are a little bit – like they’re looking to meet lots of people, or they’re not necessarily looking to have a proper relationship. And if they are, often that doesn’t work out either because two people who are just looking to have a relationship aren’t going to work out.

C: Yeah, it takes away the spontaneity.

L: Yeah, not just the spontaneity but sometimes then you are with someone who you don’t want to be with. So how’s it going to last? Whereas, if you’re sort of compelled to be together…

* * *

L: Wow. I can’t believe we’re coming to the end of this sort of historical event, this year, 2020. Though it’s so weird it was called Covid-19. That always screwed me. It made no sense.

C: It’s because it existed in December 2019.

L: I know.

C: But no one knew. It’s crazy, have you gone back to any old news articles about it? You should.

L: I have something to confess, which is I was obsessed with the news story so early on, when there were like twenty cases.

C: No, me too! Like it all hit one day, when I was reading all these New York Times briefings on the plane. I was like, whoa, it’s spreading. But it was still such low numbers in those days. We had no idea.

L: I was reading about it before they knew that it was contagious. Like far before they knew that. Where they thought people only got it directly from an animal – there was that whole story. And the reason why I was so obsessed with it is because I was convinced that – well, I was very very unwell at that time and I thought I had Covid. In a way that made no sense whatsoever, made everyone think that I was crazy. Actually used all my data while I was travelling on reading about the twenty cases in the entire world! And I was just like, I am dying! The story gets me! We’re all going to die! Sam was just like, this makes no sense. You’re completely insane. It’s so weird. I still find that so strange. I was convinced when it was completely crazy. It’s because I was extremely unwell and probably did have Covid.

C: Do you think?

L: Yeah, well they know now through the poop samples that people in Italy had it in December as well.

C: Really?

L: I was there all through January, in all the busy museums, and I got this very very strange sickness where I just started with a cough and a fever, and it was a really really awful cough. Like I coughed blood, I was really really unwell. And I’d never been sick in that particular way with a cough and a fever. And like a horrible cough. I felt like I was going to die, like my lungs were going to collapse or something. I was so confused. That’s why I was so obsessed with the story, it just seemed really dramatic.

C: That sounds like you had it!

L: And Sam had the same thing, it was really weird. We had the same identical coughing and fever.

C: Okay, you definitely had Covid then.

L: Yeah, I think it probably was Covid! But it was unthinkable!

C: Yeah, you’re perfect for this interview. This is great content.

L: I’ve definitely told so many people that story this year because it’s just so dramatic. But when I came back in February, people were still like, it’s just a media… Like it’s not here at all.

C: Yeah, respectable people. It was like, it’s anti-China.

L: Which was a reasonable sort of thing to think. You know what I mean.

C: Yeah, because they were blocking international students. Like that was a trigger.

L: Yeah, and of course there’s been a lot of Australia-China stuff for a long time, so it makes sense.

C: And now the fact of anyone coming into the country without being in hotel quarantine is unthinkable.

L: Is unthinkable, yeah.

C: Crazy how we’ve just switched.

L: We’ve just completely adapted. Now like, yep, this is the way it is. Hard to even imagine post-pandemic life. Where we don’t have to wash our hands, or sign in to a restaurant, get a Covid test if we get a cold.

C: I haven’t been tested. I haven’t had a cold.

L: I haven’t been sick basically at all this year, except for last weekend, where I had a day where I sort of sneezed twice. I felt kind of unwell, I had a bit of a fever. Well, I felt I did and a sore throat. But it just sort of cleared away the next day. Sam was really unwell, so I thought I had got his – Sam was like, he’s been coughing and…

C: Did he get tested?

L: He’s been tested like a million times. He’s been sick a lot this year which is hilarious, because I haven’t been sick at all and I always get sick. But for some reason he’s gotten sick heaps this year. It’s sort of completely reversed. But I think actually, he said that in previous years he would never sort of give himself the permission to be sick because he would just keep wanting to go on and do stuff. But now because you can’t do that, because you’re like, well you might kill someone if you…

C: Yeah, it’s so extreme.

L: It’s so extreme. So when he’s felt sick, he’s been like, okay, I’m sick. And I think he’s actually been sick in this sort of – it’s very very odd.

C: Like he’s willed it onto himself.

L: Well, he’s just like, well now it’s okay. I’m going to say I’m sick right now. I’m just going to be sick. Whereas previously he’d almost pretend like he wasn’t, because he would prefer to keep living his life as normal. You can’t just keep living your life as normal if you’re sick anymore.

C: It’s rough.

L: I forgot what the question was.

C: There was no question. I don’t feel like I’ve asked any questions except for the first one. And that’s all we need! It was the perfect opener. Maybe I’ll do one last question. What kind of writing or any kind of art do you think will come out of, or be used in future works…?

L: About this period?

C: How do you think it’ll affect the literary landscape or film landscape?

L: Yeah. It’s a very very good question. I think a lot of things could happen. Because this year has pushed so many people to spend so much time with people they wouldn’t usually spend so much time with. As well as taking them away from other people. And force them to interact in entirely different ways. So I think there’s going to be a lot in terms of the sorts of relationships people have during Covid. I think the whole experience of people starting to date someone at the beginning of Covid, Covid happened, then they basically moved in with each other and got married. That is so weird! I think people are going to be writing about that sort of experience for a long time, because I think that would be so bizarre emotionally.

C: It’s like the first ever universal experience that we, in our generation, have experienced.

L: It really is. And I think that’s why in the beginning I was almost slightly excited. Like I remember looking on people’s Facebooks and being like, wow, I’m bonding with everyone!

C: Yeah, absolutely! But now it’s split off in so many…

L: Yeah! I think what’s so strange is that we had that experience, and for that reason at the beginning of the pandemic I was like, maybe people will become closer to one another, and be more reflective. I don’t know, like they’ll feel closer to each other. But I think actually it’s come out the other end and there’s a lot of alienation. And yeah, I think for that reason, there’s probably going to be lots of weird art about that as well.

C: Covid and conspiracy theories and Trump, all in the same very concentrated time. It’s like they all bounce off each other to create awfulness.

L: Under these sorts of circumstances, you can see why people would believe all sorts of insane things. It’s been an insane year. And I think a lot of the problems that we had before in terms of people being isolated, and they’re in their own sort of groups, whether they be good or completely awful. Just becoming completely radicalised. That has all been pushed to a much greater extreme than we could’ve foreseen. It was something that was happening much more gradually. I’m very very interested, and I kind of hope that we’ve reached a crisis point, and that this year leads to things getting better not worse. Like it hasn’t sort of just pushed the worst along. That’s the thing I hope the most for.

C: Well, definitely looks like some things have happened. Like Trump is no longer going to be president. Huge. Also, other thing that comes to mind is that Medicare-funded psychology sessions is up to 20. So maybe there’ll be more good things.

L: There will, yeah. Lots of things have shifted. Lots of people have gotten things that they wouldn’t have had otherwise this year. And I think myself included, I don’t think I would’ve learnt Italian this year without having a lot of money from the government.

C: And time.

L: And time! And I wouldn’t have felt as bored so as to be compelled to do it.

C: And now you’re going to be studying Italian!

L: Now I’m studying Italian next year! And I love languages! Lots of people have gotten weird good things out of this year. You can’t plan, you don’t know what’s going to happen. Sometimes I think – at least there was a point in the year where I really felt this – that Covid was just mixing everything up. Like it was just mixing everyone’s life up. And that mixing could be really good. It has been, for many people, as well as bad. It’s hard to know what to focus on sometimes.

C: And ultimately it is just completely out of your control. Like there’s no personal agency, really. That’s the messaging, but it depends so much on like actually having these laws enforced. Because in America, they don’t. So it’s on them to be really judgey about like mask-wearing, which is good, but it shouldn’t be on the individual.

L: No, it just creates a horrible culture as well amongst people. I think when you perceive other people to be in control, they just start becoming enemies, or you feel this really intense moralising impulse, which you don’t feel when you’re part of a community where it’s organised around being good.

C: Yeah, has leadership.

L: Yeah.

[Both deeply sigh again.]

C: Any last words?

L: Any last words. What are you thinking? You started this by asking me what I’m thinking.

C: I’m thinking how nice it is to be able to talk about it all. People don’t talk about things enough.

L: I agree.

C: 2020’s just been the most insane year, and we’re just like completely desensitised. But like, shit’s fucked. Shit’s fucked in the US. People are crazy. Like 50% of the population is fucked.

L: It’s completely awful.

C: Is that a good note to end on? Probably not.

L: I really don’t believe that that’s a good note to end on! [Laughs]. I don’t know, I was thinking before Covid, I think I was really focused on people suffering actually. But I think since Covid, I’ve just retreated into myself a bit. And I’ve avoided, because I’ve just gotten so tired of hearing about more numbers. I’m just really fatigued and I kind of just want to pretend like it’s not happening. Which doesn’t feel good, it actually feels horrible to be disconnected like that.

C: Just like imagine being the leader of a country that has 300,000 Covid deaths and like not caring at all. Like it’s fucked. Imagine 50% of the population feeling the same way.

L: No, it’s very much a sign that people are just not connected to reality. Not to other people’s emotional realities. People have started just seeming like objects, like they’re playing out in some world. But I think every single human being is unimaginably special, which sounds really – I hope it’s not too kooky of an idea. But yeah, people are just really special, and impossible to describe. It’s so weird but I think that a lot of what has gone on in people minds is that people have just started to seem replaceable or just sort of like shells of themselves, like characters rather than actually a living person who wants things for themselves, and things for others, and has all of this stuff going on.

[Long pause.]

L: There’s no way to end this is there?

C: So… do you have hope for the world?

L: Well, I don’t know, do I? I’m not a pessimist. I just feel very confused now though. I really don’t know. I’ve come out of this year very confused about what’s good and bad. I think this year has raised a lot of questions like that because we’ve had that thing where we’ve had our government be much more controlling, and that’s happened all around the world. Is that good? It has been good? Because we’ve seen what happens when you don’t do that. That’s also a very strange experience, which I have mixed feelings about.

C: We’ve had it really easy in Sydney though.

L: It’s true, we haven’t had to be controlled very much at all.

C: But for a few weeks there it was like, can I sit on this park bench?

L: You couldn’t.

C: It was crazy.

L: I remember that. Or when someone got fined for sitting down to eat their kebab.

C: Yeah, that’s so ridiculous.

L: You couldn’t go out with more than one person from your household.

C: Well, I was still working a little bit, so I still got the train and served people in the shop. So I feel like I didn’t really have a full lockdown experience.

L: It’s so weird that so many shops were open.

C: Yeah, we never had shops shut here. In New Zealand, they did the full like four weeks, no shops, no takeaway, just cook at home, go to the supermarket, that’s all you do. Four weeks.

L: That is crazy to think of. No, things have pretty much carried out as normal here in comparison. It’s just been an atmosphere among people. Like we’ve been allowed to do lots of things but there are places where you can’t sit near people. There’s a lot of cleaning happening.

C: It is pretty chill now compared to a few months ago. It’s all dependent on the contact tracing. You know, how interesting it is to think about all the maths behind it and tracking down this invisible thing that’s been passed around.

L: Yeah, it’s incredible. The sky looks like a sunset almost, it’s so bright.

C: Yeah, it’s strange.

L: On Thursday night, there’s going to be forty shooting stars per hour apparently.

C: When?

L: Thursday night between 2am and sunrise.

C: Oh wow. Are you going to be up for it?

L: I think I will. It’s the day before my thesis is due. So I think I’ll probably be up anyway.

C: Okay. I have work the next day but do you think I could see it from here?

L: Apparently you can see it all over Australia.

C: I don’t know if I can usually see stars from here though. I don’t think I can. Maybe in the backyard, a little bit. I’ll try and remember. We can text each other.

L: I really want to stay up for that. We’ll see some of it. I’ve never seen a shooting star.

[perhapsitmaybedragons]

God’s a Right Bastard, But Then So Am I

I am very productive lately. It’s a nice change of pace.

As always, AO3 link here:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26633029/chapters/65660857

Or continue reading below:

Chapter 7

Pepper shouldered her backpack as she, Wensleydale, and Brian got out of Wensleydale's parents' car. The Them were immediately heading for Hogback Wood. They had all briefly wondered earlier where Adam was but had come to the joint conclusion that he must have fallen ill. And while they felt bad for him the kids were still keen to get to their games. School had been a long slog and they all deserved a break.

Besides, Wensleydale had gotten extra copies of the homework and planned to drop it off with the Youngs right before dinner.

“Anyway,” Brian said as though the conversation had never been interrupted, “I figure the Ninja Turtles could prob'bly take the Transformers.”

“So you keep saying,” Pepper complained, “But Optimus Prime could just ..step on them and then they're done for, right?”

“Actually,” Wensley interjected, hurrying to catch up with them “Optimus is a good guy, so he wouldn't fight the Ninja Turtles, I think.”

“Nah, you're missing the first rule of cross overs,” Brian insisted. Brian's comic book collection was growing lately and he was starting to form Opinions on the whole subject. “First rule is if they meet they gotta fight. That's why there was that Batman versus Superman movie that no one liked. First they fight, then they become friends.”

“We're not talking about it like it's going to happen!” Pepper was exasperated. “Obviously that's what would happen if they met in a comic book. I mean if they really were going to fight each other-”

“Now what are you youngsters getting up to?” The Them stopped short. Adults stopping them on their way to the woods or on the way to make mischief was nothing new. But this wasn't R.P. Tyler stopping them while on a walk with his dog or any of the mums who would sometimes fuss at them.

There was an inkling of recognition there, but none of the three could place the gentleman. He smiled at them. Brian and Pepper stopped and studied him, but Wensleydale took a step back. “Sorry sir,” he said, “But who are you?”

“Gabriel,” The smile grew wider. It was making all three of them uncomfortable. Right now Gabriel was basking – the kids weren't able to remember him due to a subtle manipulation on his part. And coming across all three at once like this? Perfect. “You know, I'm actually new here. And I just opened up an ice cream shop,” he twisted a bit and pointed in the direction of the town square. “Officially we open tomorrow but I was just thinking ...you know, it would really be a great idea to get some of the locals' perspective first. Make sure the flavors are uh...”

“Good?” Brian supplied.

“Yes, that would be best, right? Having good ice cream,” Gabriel said appreciatively.

“I mean, it's ice cream,” Wensleydale was still hanging behind the other two. He wasn't afraid, exactly, but something about Gabriel was setting him on edge. “Is it possible for it to be bad?”

“I've heard about there being places in America with like ...garlic ice cream,” Pepper made a face. “You don't have that, right?”

“No, no, not at all. I have all sorts of flavors. If you kids want to come on down? It's just a short walk, you could follow me.”

Smart children should never listen to strange men they meet in the woods (or in this case, right outside of the forest). And normally, the Them were in fact smart children. A little brash and impulsive, yes, but not dumb.

But none of them saw Hastur lurking just beyond, hidden behind a tree. As a demon, temptations were naturally a specialty. And Gabriel's own angelic powers were working in concert to remove the doubt and fear.

“I don't think we -” Pepper started to decline, but Hastur's manipulations were taking hold. “Actually, I can't see any reason not to follow this strange man we just met to go get ice cream.”

“I agree,” Brian said almost woodenly. “We should follow him immediately and without letting an adult know where we're going.”

Wensleydale said nothing. Part of his mind remained unconvinced, but his feet were also moving so that all of the kids were now following Gabriel. If anyone in town saw the group it didn't occur to any of them that something strange was going on.

They came to a shop at the village square with a large sign proclaiming it “ParadIce Cream”. An old style neon sign in the shape of an ice cream cone lit up as the group approached. The door swung open and Gabriel herded them in, taking one last glance around to make certain no one else was watching.

Beelzebub was behind the counter, slicing into the apple pie Gabriel had brought by earlier. Beelzebub plopped a slice on a plate and then scooped out a large portion of ice cream. They repeated this until there were three plates of apple pie, each with a scoop of solid white ice cream on top.

“Can't forget the drizzles,” Gabriel set one slice of pie before each kid, then removed three vials from the inner lining of his suit jacket. He poured the entire contents onto one of the slices then moved on to the next vial and the next slice of pie until all three were now covered in a drizzle. “Eat up, kids,” He handed them each a spork.

The moment they touched their utensils to the ice cream each scoop took on a change. Pepper's became a deep, violent red. Wensleydale's already white ice cream somehow became even brighter. Brian's took on a sludgy looking gray color. If they noticed they didn't say anything. They just ate in silence.

“You're sure they're good for this?” Beelzebub asked, watching them for a moment.

“They're perfect. What's more, they're the Anti-Christ's friends. If he wants them back-”

“Then he'll have to help us,” Beelzebub concluded. “But how will this get the kids to have the powers and get them to work with us? Seems like a lot to hinge on some brats.”

“It's beyond a demon's comprehension.”

It wasn't. Most anyone could follow it. The true difference between humans, angels and demons is that the first humans ate of the Fruit of Knowledge – that apple that Adam and Eve bit into at Crowley's urging. Angels – and demons too, for that matter – had basically had to figure it out for themselves based on what God modeled for them.

But the apple had granted humans the ability to know right from wrong. But as rules get more complex and society has changed the knowledge originally passed down genetically may no longer be right. Everything got all muddled and it's no longer clear. Not without some perspective.

So, a recipe to restart Armageddon:

Take three kids – and the age is important here, because their brains haven't fully formed yet – and give them one of the apples of Eden. Right now, every good thing and every bad thing is playing in their heads like an old time newsreel, coming in so quickly that they can barely comprehend what they're seeing.

In addition to the apple, take the essence of temptation and doubt and pour all over the Eden apple pie (the ice cream just helps it go down more smoothly and to help the store's cover of being an ice cream shop. Can't have an ice cream shop without ice cream or the few humans paying attention might notice something was off).

They were almost done eating now, their movements mechanical. Even hypnotized, Brian managed to spill some on his shirt. He came to momentarily, dabbed at it and then stole a bite of Pepper's ice cream to make up for it.

“Hey!” she snapped out as well, just for a moment. She elbowed him in the rib cage before both of them resumed eating.

Once they'd all polished off the last of it, all three of them passed out, their heads on the table.

“What do we do with them until we're ready to start?” Thinking ahead on things had never been Hell's strong suit, so Beelzebub figured Gabriel must have a plan.

“How the hell should I know? That's your problem now.” And with that, Gabriel disappeared.

“Bastard,” Beelzebub muttered.

After heavenly intervention to make Mr. and Mrs. Young see that their son staying with an older man they hardly knew was, in fact, a terrific idea, Adam was now gearing down and trying to figure out where he was going to sleep. He'd wanted to go back to Crowley's place, but the demon had said no.

“It's safer for him here,” Crowley insisted. Aziraphale had gone along with it, but made it very clear he expected more information from the demon as soon as possible.

“What aren't you telling me?”

“Nothing!”

“Oh?”

“...That I can tell you right now,” Crowley's resolve broke almost instantly. “Just let me try to handle my part. It's a lot and I don't quite have all the pieces fit together yet.”

“We could help!” Adam suggested. “I bet the three of us together could figure it all out. Wensleydale's got all these detective books and I'm great at figuring out what happened and who did it.” He wasn't. Adam just didn't know he was rubbish at it because he never bothered to read the pages at the back of the book that explained the solutions. Even if he had, he would have preferred his own explanations.

“Might be worth it to give it a go,” Aziraphale agreed. “If you keep things from me, however will I help you?”

There was nothing for it. Crowley made them both promise to sit tight and then had run out, saying he'd be back shortly. When he came back Aziraphale and Adam were sitting in the backroom which now had a plush couch (which Adam occupied) and two lounge chairs (one of which Aziraphale was sitting in – the other was presumably for Crowley). Aziraphale offered him a cup of tea, not realizing his hands were full.

“Oh! The gramophone I gave you!” Aziraphale sounded delighted. “So glad you like it-”

“That's not why I brought it,” Crowley said darkly, setting it up on the coffee table that Aziraphale must have miracled up while he'd been gone. “Oi, start talking,”

“About what?”

“Not you, Angel! She knows who I'm talking to!”

 Aziraphale is still an angel. There may be a recording of this conversation now.

Aziraphale dropped his tea cup. It shattered on the floor, the tea running every which way and staining the carpet. He was too in shock to clean it up. “...God?” He croaked.

 Yes. Hello, Aziraphale. It's been a while.

“Yes, I'd say it has,” he pulled at his shirt collar nervously before turning his attention back to Crowley. “How long have you been talking to Her?”

“It's not like this was my idea!”

“Crowley!”

“I didn't invite Her to my place, had no clue She could do this. She just comes in without a … just wants me to do whatever She asks and I've got to do it, don't I? Can't say no to Her, can I? Damned for all time and yet somehow, someway, She could probably make it worse.”

“Crowley,” Aziraphale pinched the bridge of his nose. “I am not blaming you for this. I just want to know how long.”

“Ask Her!”

 The day of Crowley's birthday. So not long. A few days. ...Happy birthday to both of you, by the way.

“It wasn't even actually my birthday,” Crowley had gone into full fit mode. “And some present you are, anyway. Just show up and start demanding things of me and not even telling us....go on, tell them what you told me.”'

“Is that really God?” Adam sat forward and poked at the gramophone. “I just thought the voice would be deeper...”

“Too many movies,” Aziraphale said dismissively. “But...Lord, if you would be so kind as to explain yourself?”

A sustained sigh came through the gramophone. I needed someone who could act as a free agent. As you know, when I speak to angels things are recorded in the Records Room. If I speak to Humans, they're recorded in the Prayer Room.

“But there's no one listening in to you talking to demons,” Aziraphale was quick on the uptake. “Which means if you spoke to Crowley then no one would be recording.” he turned his gaze in his friend's direction. “Why would you bring Her here? This conversation is going to be recorded now!”

“I know that, but would you have believed me otherwise? Would anyone have? 'Oh, Aziraphale, by the way, God's talking to me and She's using the gramophone you gave me.'. I still remember how that bit went down for Joan of Arc, don't forget!”

“I was there, too, I remember,” Aziraphale frowned. “I see your point. But I like to think I would have believed you. No point in wondering now.”

“No, there isn't. And She is going to tell you the absolute worst part of this whole thing, the part She was hiding from me. Aren't you?”

 Yes, Crowley. As we agreed. Aziraphale. ...Guardian of the East Gate. I can no longer see all of Heaven, nor can I peer into all of Hell.

“I'm sorry, what was that?” Judging by how big his eyes were, Crowley figured Aziraphale had heard her just fine. “Crowley, I must have misunderstood Her. It sounds like you're both saying that God ...can't see what the angels or demons are up to anymore.”

“That is exactly what She's saying.”

 It's true. I don't know how they managed, but they did. As I told Crowley – I can get a feel for about where they're at and snippets of what they may be doing. But it's no longer clear to me. I can't tell you how to stop them because I can no longer figure out what exactly there is to stop. Just that they're planning something.

“Ah. Well... That is...” Aziraphale stammered for a while. “Disappointing, to say the least.”

“Disappointing? Disappointing?! This is the Alpha and Omega admitting she doesn't know shit!”

“Language in front of the child!”

“I've heard worse,” Adam offered. “A lot worse. Like-”

Aziraphale cut him off before he could finish. “We managed last time. We can do it again, right?”

Crowley sighed. “I dunno. But I'm guessing we have to try, right? No just running off to the stars?”

“That will be Plan B. But for now...why don't you,” he looked at the gramophone, “Both of you, tell me everything that you do know for now. Then we'll start working on Plan A.”

[per-ineptia-ad-astra]

Star Trek Gold Key #31: The Final Truth

Our story begins with Kirk and his crew in the midst of yet another armed conflict with an alien government, which as usual is not going very well for them. Meanwhile, the narration box is going on about seeking answers to the mysteries of the universe, such as the mystery of “what does all this have to do with the shooty robots?” Like most great mysteries of the universe, answering this one will require delving into terrible and forbidden realms where we risk encountering sights we should never have seen, and knowledge we are unequipped to handle. Which is to say, we’ll have to read this comic.

[ID: A comic book splash page titled “Star Trek—The Final Truth—Part 1.” The page shows Kirk, Chapel, two goldshirts, and an orange-skinned alien wearing a purple leotard, all standing in the middle of a futuristic city while white and blue robots point guns at them. A figure in a hooded gold and brown cloak is standing in the foreground, pointing toward the Enterprise crew and saying, “You can see your weapons are useless! You are prisoners of the Ministry—and you shall remain so for the rest of your natural lives!” In the top left corner, a narration box reads, “The universe—laboratory of life! Countless mysteries, keys to creation itself, lie suspended in solution against a backdrop of stars. And the races that inhabit these stars, human or alien, will always seek the answers to these mysteries...although some answers may only come at great cost!”]

The issue begins with a ship’s log from Spock as he beams down with a small landing party onto a planet called Quodar, which is about to be admitted into the Federation. According to Spock’s Pepto Bismol-colored narration boxes, Quodar not only “[forms] a strong cornerstone against the Klingons,” it’s also rich in both dilithium and “triolium-L, a dilithium preservative.” How one goes about preserving dilithium I don’t know, but the point is that Quodar’s chock full of some important minerals, so the Federation has a lot of motivation to stay friendly with them. And yet, they sent these guys to conduct diplomacy. I mean, that’d be a sensible enough decision if this was the real TOS crew, but at this point I wouldn’t trust the Gold Key crew to attend a birthday party without blowing up a planet in the process.

Anyway, Spock’s group is greeted by T’oell, a bald dude in a bright pink jumpsuit who’s the Quodarian Secretary of Affairs. Spock informs us that T’oell is “always in the spotlight [and] sharply contrasts the queen, Arama, who chooses to be reclusive,” and indeed it would certainly be hard to miss T’oell in that outfit. T’oell says he’s sorry to see that Kirk isn’t with them, and Spock tells him that Kirk was “detained escorting Starfleet Admiral Tailen Kahn from Starbase in the shuttlecraft.” Apparently he did bring McCoy along, though; everyone else is too tiny to make out, but we know McCoy’s there because he’s chosen to helpfully stick his face right up against the front of the panel.

[ID: A comic book panel showing Spock walking next to a bald man wearing a pink jumpsuit open to the waist with a wide-collared pink shirt under it. Two more crewmembers are walking behind Spock, while in front of him are a male blueshirt with blond hair and McCoy, whose face is shown in extreme close-up. Spock is saying, “He has been regretably [sic] detained escorting Starfleet Admiral Tailen Kahn from Starbase in the shuttlecraft!” while the man beside him is saying, “Ah, then come. We shall make you as comfortable as possible!”]

Speaking of Kirk, he soon chimes in with his own captain’s log from over in the shuttle he’s currently sharing with Admiral Kahn, an orange-skinned alien of some sort wearing some kind of plastic leotard-looking thing; Chapel, who’s apparently decided to try out being a redhead; some random guy with brown hair; and Chekov. I only know that’s Chekov because Kirk addresses him by name a couple panels later. Before that I thought he was Sulu. It really shouldn’t be possible to draw Chekov in such a way that he can be confused with Sulu, but here we are.

[ID: A panel showing five people inside a shuttlecraft: Admiral Kahn, an alien with mottled orange skin, a tail, and short orange hair, wearing what appears to be a plastic purple leotard with abs modeled into it and a purple headband; Chekov, or at least a man with short dark hair in a green uniform shirt; Kirk; Chapel, who has orange hair for some reason; and a nondescript male greenshirt with brown hair. A narration box from Kirk reads, “Captain’s Log: supplemental! Spock has been sent ahead with the Enterprise to Quodar! The Vulcans long ago established diplomatic exchange with Quodar and Spock already is familiar with their customs!”]

Kirk says that Spock’s been sent ahead because the Vulcans already established diplomatic relationships with Quodar, so he’s familiar with their customs. Yeah, just like how I’m familiar with the customs of every country America has diplomatic relations with. But never mind that, there’s more pressing matters at hand. Chekov suddenly reports that “a freak cosmic storm” has come up on them, knocking out their guidance system. The admiral yells at him to compensate, but Chekov can’t because a planetary magnetic field is already pulling them in. No way around it, they’re going to crash. But when they do, it’s with a sound not typically associated with high-speed spacecraft impacts.

[ID: A narration box reads, “But, when the ship hits...” while the shuttlecraft impacts with a blobby green substance, making a “Glooomphh!” sound. A single question mark in a thought bubble emerges from the craft.]

is that question mark coming from inside the shuttle or is the shuttle itself just that confused about what’s happening

It seems their fall has been cushioned by something soft on the planet’s surface, leaving the shuttlecraft mostly useless but everyone unhurt. The crew clambers out to take a look. They’ve been saved by...moss?

[ID: The five members of the shuttle crew stand on a mossy green plain while the shuttlecraft sticks up at an angle behind them, covered in blobs of moss. Kirk is saying, “Look at it! This stuff is everywhere—deep and bonded enough to cushion the impact of a plummeting shuttlecraft!” Chapel is saying, “Readings show it’s parasitic—a moss! It’s uniformly about 30 miles thick, seemingly around the whole planet like a cocoon!”]

Yep, this planet is covered with thirty-mile-deep moss. For reference, thirty miles is the average depth of the Earth’s continental crust. That’s a lot of moss. Chapel says that her sensor readings indicate that the moss “lives off high energy levels” but she can’t yet determine the source. Chekov then points out some local wildlife, which “seem to be birds, except they burrow into the moss!” which I guess disqualifies them from being birds. According to Chapel the birds are also parasites, because they live off the moss.

So we’ve got moss as thick as a continent, which is somehow soft enough to cushion a spacecraft crashing from orbit, something water isn’t soft enough to do without the aid of some parachutes, and some birds that aren’t birds but are parasites even though that’s not what the word ‘parasite’ means. Confused? Don’t worry, it gets worse.

Admiral Kahn (yes, his name really is Kahn; presumably either the writer just plain forgot that there was already a Star Trek character named Khan or else placed an incredibly unlucky bet on which one-off TOS character would go on to become a household name by starring in one of the most famous sci-fi films of all time) isn’t interested in birds or moss, though. He’s interested in “matters at hand” such as them being stranded in the middle of a moss field. Kahn orders the spare greenshirt, Manning, to stand guard outside while the rest of them get back inside the shuttle with their distress beacon on until help arrives. This seems like a decent enough plan, but Kirk immediately vetoes it, on the grounds that “A beacon could just as easily summon trouble here! Sensors indicate a concentration of living beings close by!”

Fulfilling his sworn duty as a high-ranking Starfleet officer to be overly obstructive and hot-tempered at all times, Kahn immediately tries to pick a rank fight with Kirk. Kirk is unconcerned, pointing out that while Kahn might be an admiral, he’s in administration, without much field experience, and Kirk can’t let Kahn’s inexperience endanger his crewmembers’ lives. It’s Kirk’s job to endanger his crewmembers’ lives. Then he just starts walking off while Kahn splutters uselessly behind him.

Meanwhile on Quodar (no, they haven’t been on Quodar this whole time; why would you think that the planet they crashed into was the planet they were traveling toward? that would be silly), Spock’s getting concerned about Kirk and the shuttlecraft failing to appear. He’s contacted Starfleet, who apparently have some tracking information about the shuttle. T’oell is concerned about what that info indicates. “If Starfleet’s trackings are accurate, your shuttle crashed on our neighbor planet Tristas!” he tells Spock. “Your friends may be in serious danger!”

T’oell goes on to explain that the two planets used to have good relations, with Tristas allowing scholars from Quodar to study in their halls of learning. The Tristians were peaceful and “a race advanced beyond any society we have encountered! Theirs was an endless quest for knowledge—an entire culture directed at but one goal! They sought the secret of life itself!” Whether the Tristians wound up building an enormous computer to answer the question for them, though, we don’t know, because one day Tristas suddenly and without explanation sent all the visiting scholars home and blocked communications. When the Quodarians tried to go visit to see what was up, they were told to turn back or be destroyed, and later received a message that anyone who did get through the Tristian defenses would become permanent prisoners of the military. Apparently those defenses aren’t that great, though, considering how easy it is to crash into the planet completely by accident.

Back on Tristas, the shuttlecraft crew seem to have turned something up.

[ID: One large panel with a smaller panel inset into the top left corner. The top panel shows a narration box reading, “Meanwhile, on Tristas, a discovery has been made...” while below Chapel, Kahn and Kirk look surprised. Chapel is saying, “Captain…?” In the lower panel, the crew are looking out through a gap in the mossy hills at a city of elaborate white buildings standing against a pink sky. Chapel is saying, “Tri-corder indicates all materials here—metals, glass—they’re all synthesized from compounds in the moss!” Kirk is saying, “Phasers set on stun—stay alert!” Kahn is saying, “We’re walking right into the hands of aliens! This is suicide, Kirk!”]

man, that is some seriously impressive moss

Before they can check out the moss-city, though, someone yells at the group to stop. Judging by the outfit of the person in question, I’m gonna say it’s a Jedi?

[ID: The shuttlecraft crew stands about in surprise, except for Kahn, who has dropped to his knees in a defensive crouch with an angry hiss. In the foreground stands a figure in a hooded brown robe with their hands on their hips, saying, “You are hereby in the custody of the Ministry! Your vehicle has already been secured! Remove your weapons immediately and follow me!”]

Kirk protests that they come in peace and only landed here by accident, but the Jedi Master and his accompanying robot minions are unmoved. Kahn, naturally, thinks the best solution to all this is to shoot first and ask questions later, while Kirk, who thinks that’s kind of a stupid idea, tries to hold him back. Meanwhile Manning, thinking that their would-be captor is distracted by watching Kirk and Kahn bicker, tries to take the chance to shoot the dude himself. The only thing that this accomplishes is promptly getting Manning shot by one of the robots.

On Quodar, Spock narrates that they’ve finally gotten T’oell, with much reluctance, to go directly to the queen with a request for her to help the crashed shuttle crew. While T’oell is gone, Spock tells McCoy that he’s positive he can get through the planetary defenses on Tristas (what, like it’s hard), if they can only convince Arama to help. McCoy is skeptical about Arama, questioning how a leader who never shows herself can inspire trust in her people, but Spock says that the Quodarians do trust her all the same and that she’s never let them down. Unfortunately the Enterprise crew aren’t quite so lucky, because T’oell comes back and reports that Arama has regretfully refused to grant them an audience because “it would be illogical to take action which could result in war!” Seems the Quodarians have picked up a few vocabulary words from all that diplomacy with the Vulcans.

Meanwhile, the shuttle crew find themselves being chivied into a strange form of confinement.

[ID: A large panel with a smaller panel inset into the bottom right corner. In the larger panel, the  crew are standing in a room covered with a glass dome, which is set into a larger room where several large and indeterminate pieces of machinery stand about. Some men with white hair, wearing long pink smocks over green shirts and boots, are looking down at the crew through the dome. Chapel is looking up at them and saying, “A laboratory specimen observation theatre!” One of the observers is saying, “Curious—the way they arrived on our world without activating the early warning defense systems!” Another one says, “There was that storm—a cosmic energy displacement—within our parsect! Several city-states reported malfunctions!” In the lower panel, Chapel is using her tricorder to scan Manning, who is sitting on the floor with a hand to his head. She says, “Manning is coming around, Captain! He’ll be a bit stiff, but he’s all right!” Manning replies, “Uhhh...that’s your story, Lieutenant!”]

Kirk demands to know who these people are and what’s going on. One of the pink-smocked observers says that they are the Ministry of Science and that he personally is “Science Lord for the city-state Chantil!” Yes, really, SCIENCE LORD. I don’t know what that entails, but what an amazing title. Oh, and also they’re keeping the crew prisoners. When Kirk asks “By what right?” the SCIENCE LORD says that “This is not a question of rights but imperatives! We must do this for the security of our people!” Oh yeah, sure, that’s what they all say.

The captives then have some kind of collars beamed directly onto them, although apparently not before the Science Ministers take the time to change from pink smocks to white in-between panels.

[ID: Two tall panels side by side. In the first, the scientists, their hair now blonde and their smocks white, look down at the captives while large white collars appear around the necks of Kahn and Kirk. One of the scientists says, “We have just beamed those collars on you—a regretably [sic] necessary disciplinary precaution, but only until you adjust to your situation!” Kirk is saying, “Wha...?” and Kahn is saying, “Hsssss....!” In the second panel, Kahn is leaping into the air with the aid of a little propeller built into the back of his leotard, while Kirk looks up at him from below. Kahn is yelling,”Humanoids! We will not be prisoners of your like! Do you hear me…?” Kirk is yelling, “Admiral!”]

Predictably, Kahn’s attempt to...actually, I don’t really know what he was attempting to do there, but whatever it was, it only results in him getting zapped by his e-collar and crashing to the floor. The SCIENCE LORD then tells the crew that they “are to become tenders of the divine life until such time as we no longer need you! This audience is now ended!”

Back to Quodar, where night has fallen on the capital, a couple of guards are patrolling the topiary when suddenly they come under attack. The narrator takes a moment to indulge in some purple prose while the armed guards somehow completely fail to defend themselves against three unarmed people in robes.

[ID: A panel with a narration box reading, “Out of night-darkness, as if birthed by the shadows they emerge from, three silhouettes attack with unrestrained fury...” The panel shows two guards dressed in yellow helmets, yellow vests, brown and white shirts and white pants, being assaulted by a figure in a hooded gray robe and exposes Starfleet uniform boots and the sleeves of a uniform red shirt. In the background, two other hooded figures are punching and kicking more guards. One of the guards is yelling, “Stop them—don’t let them get to Arama!”]

gee I wonder who these mysterious figures under robes that don’t fully conceal their Starfleet uniforms could be

One of the guards tries to escape to warn somebody, but before he can get away Spock steps out of the darkness and clocks him across the jaw. Just given up on the nerve pinch thing, I guess. McCoy and Uhura gather up the guards and McCoy gives them some sleepy hypos to keep them out for an hour. Spock then tells the others to go back to their quarters while he goes ahead to make his way to Arama alone. In perhaps the most out-of-character moment we’ve seen in these comics yet—and I don’t need to tell you that that is really saying something—McCoy agrees with him.

[ID: McCoy and Uhura standing in front of a gray building, while Spock walks away from them. McCoy is saying, “He’s right—whatever must be done from here on, is his to do!” Uhura is saying, “He’ll make it, Leonard! It would be too illogical from him not to succeed!”]

So Spock heads inside to see Arama on his own, knocking out another guard or two in the process. Why exactly Spock thinks that beating up the security and breaking into Arama’s quarters personally is going to make her more likely to listen to him I don’t know. In any case, with the guards out of the way Spock opens the door to Arama’s chamber, which apparently has something quite surprising behind it.

[ID: A narration box reads, “But, when Spock enters the chamber...” while Spock opens a large wooden door and exclaims, “You! It can’t be...But it is! We never suspected!”]

What’s behind door number one? Place your bets now! I guarantee you pretty much anything you guess is gonna be way more interesting than the actual answer.

We begin Part 2 back on Tristas, where Kirk and Co. are being introduced to what life as prisoners of the Science Ministry entails. Apparently wearing dorky jumpsuits is a large part of it.

[ID: A large panel titled “Star Trek—Part 2—The Final Truth.” A narration box at the top reads, “Captain’s Log: Supplemental! As a result of a cosmic storm, our shuttlecraft has been stranded on Tristas! We have been made virtual slaves, enforced by punisher collars!” The panel shows a wide shot of a moss field cut through by a river, with several people walking around carrying sacks. On the far side of the river is a large orange machine, with the white buildings of the city visible in the distance. On the near side, Kirk, Chapel, Chekov, and Manning are standing, wearing sleeveless white jumpsuits open almost to the waist, with yellow and orange shirts on underneath. Admiral Kahn, still wearing his purple leotard, is crouching nearby looking surprised. Kirk is saying, “What do you make of that housing, Lieutenant?” Chapel is saying, “Seems to be some sort of transformer! It might possibly be the source of energy feeding the moss, but it doesn’t seem powerful enough!”]

do you think it’s hard to get those jumpsuits on over the shock collars

A robot warden tells the newcomers that their job is to pick moss, and one of the other moss-pickers on duty approaches to show them the ropes. Kirk asks her why they’re all prisoners here. “Not prisoners—privileged!” she says. “We serve the life within! It is within us and we are within it!” A statement that would be a bit more believable if she were not also wearing a shock collar. But hey, maybe that’s part of the privilege, who am I judge.

Kirk wants her to tell him more about this “life within,” but the woman draws back, telling him that “If you cannot link with it, then it is not for you to know! Please, ask me no more! Be happy that you are allowed to serve the presence!” Of course, Kirk’s not about to be satisfied with that, and demands answers, grabbing her arm as she tries to get away. The only thing this accomplishes is to get him zapped.

[ID: Two panels side by side. In the left panel, Kirk is falling to the ground and yelling, “YAAAAHHH!” as his collar shocks him with a “PZZZZZZZZAAATTTT!” sound, while two more people in jumpsuits stand nearby looking surprised and a red robot runs closer. In the right panel, Kahn watches while crouched above the scene on an outcropping while the robot says, “Stop! Humans have violated alien control dictum! They will be segregated!” A woman in a white jumpsuit and blue shirt with a black bowl cut replies, “They will be no such thing! Return to your post, machine! We can act upon our own directives!”]

Admiral Kahn promptly jumps into the middle of this mess, declaring that actually, they’d rather obey the robot’s order, because “We have no interest in your lot and you obviously have none in ours!” Another one of the moss-pickers tells the woman that there’s no point in arguing. “There is nothing we can do!” he says. “They cannot understand as we do! That is why they cannot be told!”

Later—presumably after a hard day of moss-picking—the crew reconvenes in some remarkably lush-looking quarters.

[ID: A tall panel with a narration box reading, “Later, as night falls..” In a room with elaborately decorated white walls, Kahn is sitting on what appears to be a green mattress placed on top of a larger blue mattress, while Kirk stands in front of a pink table with some indeterminate objects on top of it, and Chekov sits nearby in a pink and blue armchair. Kirk is saying, “At least they’ve made us comfortable! I think it was a good idea to segregate ourselves. We need to plan!” Kahn is pointing at Kirk and saying, “I don’t need your patronizing, Kirk! It was easily observed that your peculiar manner of questioning was getting little result!”]

Dang, this must be the white-collar prison.

Chapel wonders if this ‘life within’ everyone keeps talking about is something theological. Kirk doesn’t think it’s that simple. “They aren’t worshippers [sic]...they’re protectors! I have a hunch, though! I think the answer is tied to whatever the source of the energy that feeds the moss is!”

At that very moment (I recommend you don’t try to work out the timeline here) Spock is entering Queen Arama’s quarters, where we were promised something truly unexpected and game-changing. What could it be?

[ID: A long panel with a narration box reading, “At the moment, on Quodar...” Spock is standing in the foreground of a room with decorated pink walls. In front of him, a woman is standing on a dais with a large chair behind her, wearing a green dress with a white top and a headdress made of several green ribbons pointing different directions. Spock is saying, “Live long...and prosper, Queen Arama! I find it most unexpected that you are a...” Arama is saying, “A Vulcan? I’m not, except by heredity. I am a Quodarian daughter of Vulcan’s last ambassador here. As to why you’re here, my answer is still no!”]

Turns out Arama’s a Vulcan, a twist that McCoy saw coming back in part one:

[ID: A panel showing Uhura and McCoy watching T’oell walk toward a doorway. Uhura is saying, “B-but you can’t just leave the captain and the others stranded!” T’oell is saying, “I-I’m sorry…!” McCoy is saying, “Illogical? Bah! It wouldn’t surprise me if Arama turned out to be Vulcan!”]

“Finally, my tactic of calling everyone who uses the word ‘logic’ a Vulcan has paid off!”

You might naturally be wondering what significance this is going to have for the rest of the story, so let me just save you some time here: absolutely none whatsoever. It has nothing to do with anything and will never be elaborated on.

Spock protests Arama’s decision to not change her first decision, but she takes him to task, pointing out that what he’s asking would risk war with Tristas, something that would not end well for Quodar. Spock is remarkably chastened by this.

[ID: Arama standing before Spock and saying, “I know their capabilities—such a war would hardly last a day! Do you wish that on my people? Does the Federation?” Spock is bowing his head a bit and saying, “I-I’m sorry, Arama—I don’t know what came over me! You are correct...and logical!”]

Chastened but not deterred, apparently, because early the next morning, the Quodarian FAA spot one of their miniature ‘starscout’ spaceships taking off unauthorized. Arama doesn’t have any trouble figuring out who the culprit is, but apparently she’s not much bothered about it either.

[ID: A panel labeled, “Inside the starscout...” Spock is inside a spacecraft looking down at a small screen which shows an image of Arama’s face. Through the screen Arama is saying, “I presume I am speaking to Mr. Spock! We have broadcast to Tristas that one of our starscouts has been stolen! Your human half is very predictable...good luck, Spock!”]

On Tristas, Kirk and Friends are back at it in the moss mines, trying to figure out a way to deal with their robot guards. Chapel suggests she could “knock out” the two of them (how one knocks out a robot I don’t know) but Kirk doesn’t think she could take both of them down fast enough. Admiral Kahn, naturally, is once again unsatisfied with Kirk’s approach and takes it upon himself to take action.

[ID: A panel with a narration box reading, “Kahn approaches cautiously, as if to empty his shoulder bag! But...” Kahn is shown punching one robot into a bush, while his tail is wrapped around the leg of another robot that is otherwise offscreen, making “SPA-TAAANNG!” “KRAAMM!” and “ZZZRAACCKK!” sounds.]

spa-taaanng

He then heads off by himself to find their shuttlecraft, although not before delivering this little speech:

[ID: Kirk, Sulu and Manning stand together taking off their collars and jumpsuits, while Kahn stands nearby on a ledge, saying, “So tell me, Kirk, how do you find my performance in the field now...or had it never occurred to you that I was never given the chance for such experience! I hope I can trust you to find someplace to hide...”]

I’ve been sitting here for five minutes trying to parse that first sentence and it’s just not happening.

Oh, and he also tells Kirk that he wants Kirk “alive and well when I come back! Well enough for a court martial!” Kirk is pretty unperturbed by this, though he does tell Chekov and Manning to shadow Kahn in case he gets into trouble, because of course he’s going to get in trouble. In the meantime, he and Chapel head back into the city. On their way to the Science Ministry, another robot tries to apprehend them, so Chapel promptly kicks it to death.

[ID: A tall panel showing a green robot being kicked by Chapel’s boot with a “SPAAANNNGGG!” sound while the robot says, “SQUEEEEE-EEE!” From offscreen, Chapel is saying, “For all the trouble these robots are causing, we should have tried breaking out earlier!” Kirk, standing in the foreground at the bottom of the panel, is saying, “The people here aren’t used to agression [sic] or violence...without those collars they can’t do much!”]

After taking the robot’s weapon, Chapel says that if they can get to the main computers in the observation lab she might be able to work them, since she’s “been trained in advance computronics.” Man, Chapel’s really been holding out on us, apparently.

They break into the Science Ministry and confront Minister Tonar. And if you’re thinking “wait, who’s Minister Tonar?” that’s because no such character has been named in the story so far. Presumably that’s the name of the SCIENCE LORD (with this art it’s pretty much impossible to identify him by appearance alone) but how exactly Kirk came to learn his name is a mystery. At any rate, Kirk doesn’t waste any time getting right to the threats.

[ID: Kirk pointing a gold-colored blaster at Tonar, an old man with white hair wearing a pink smock over a green shirt. Kirk is saying, “I’ve seen enough here to realize that all your threats and defenses are bluff! Well I can show you violence that would turn this city-state inside out before you could even organize yourselves! Talk!”]

you know the thing I really love about Star Trek is how it portrays such a wonderfully enlightened and peace-loving future for humanity

“You fool!” Tonar says. “You don’t know what you are doing! It’s your very violence that I’m protecting our secret from” and so outraged by this is he that his dialogue runs right into the edge of the speech bubble without room for a punctuation mark. Chapel interrupts to say that she’s getting strange readouts from the computer she’s been messing with. “I asked for a catalogue readout on anything pertaining to “the life within,”” she says, “but I’m getting data on psychosociological experimentation and interplanetary insect surveys!”

[ID: Chapel standing in the background next to some machinery, while Kirk looks towards Tonar and says, “It’s all beginning to make a crazy sort of sense now! This city—it’s like a bee-hive! Workers! Robot drones! And you...” Tonar says, “Very well, Captain Kirk, you will have your answers! Now!”]

well I’m glad this is all making sense to somebody

“Our race embraced the secrets and sciences of the universe, yet we did not know our own planet!” Tomar begins to explain, and I use the term ‘explain’ loosely. “Beneath the moss there is a layer that defies analysis but we finally managed to penetrate that layer...It was discovered that our planet was actually hollow, like a great egg! In that “egg” were energies that were life in its most fundamental form—a link to creation itself!” He then says that the Science Ministry started to devise an experiment in the hopes of unlocking the secrets of this egg energy, an experiment which they neglected to tell the rest of the planet about. Evidently this troubled Tomar, as he says that he embarked on his own experiment, “one to save our race from destruction! The people were merely told that the forces of creation itself had been discovered! They were told only that we had become tenders of an egg that would hatch the ultimate living creation!” Which is a hell of a thing to get told by your government. Imagine waking up one morning and seeing “forces of creation discovered” trending on twitter.

Anyway, then this happens:

[ID: Three panels, two small ones on the top and one large one below that. The top left is labeled, “At that very moment, beneath the city-state...” and shows Kahn in a corridor, looking at a door with a sun symbol on it, as he says, “I don’t know what all this is leading to—but I think the answer lies just beyond that door up there! Maybe it’s the shuttlecraft!” The next panel shows Kahn’s hands reaching to open the door as he says, “Suddenly have feeling...like premonition...like I shouldn’t enter! And yet, on the other hand, I feel I am compelled to—as if my fate were tied up here!” In the third panel, Kahn is suddenly falling through a green-walled tunnel that ends in a black void filled with pink orbs and swirls of light, as he yells, “YAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”]

you guys maybe should have put a lock on that door or something

Things get even weirder from there:

[ID: Three panels, two side by side on top and one long one below. In the first, Kahn is kneeling on the floor, eyes wide, saying, “I am the universe...I am alone...somebody help meeee!” Around him, two disembodied speech bubbles are saying, “Is this Tonar’s doing?” and “No! Let us hope that what he saw didn’t permanently damage his brain!” In the second panel, pink and white fog begins to surround Kahn as the voices say, “If Tonar only realized that in small doses, the “Eye” could expand the mind of any thinking creature!” and “But that is for them to reconcile—when everyone is ready to accept us, we shall reveal ourselves!” In the bottom panel, Kirk and Chapel are watching Tonar gesturing in front of a screen that shows a blob of beige-colored slime. Tonar is saying, “We created the Eye—a shape your mind conjures for identification since the mass of energy has no form—from the unstable forces contained in our planet! Mental energy is the required tool...Kirk, that thing you see on the screen is the six scientists that were sent to study that energy! All six of them!”]

“A collective intelligence—pure unsiphoned mental energy!” Kirk says, somehow discerning a heck of a lot more from that image than I am. “More than you know!” Tonar replies. “The Eye has increased their energies a hundredfold! The eye’s emanations reach to the furthest reaches of this galaxy—and they can now travel with it!”

So let me try to sum this up. These people were living on a planet covered with a continent-thick layer of moss, and then one day they discovered that under that moss was magical mystery energy that had something to do with the forces of creation. They tried to study this energy by creating the Eye, and we don’t actually know what the Eye is because it’s undefinable, but the scientists who looked at it got turned into a blob of super-intelligent scientist goo, and now both the Eye and the scientist goo are being kept in a completely unlocked and unguarded room in the Science Ministry building. Got all that? If you do, please explain it to me, because I’m lost.

Tonar explains-- ‘explains’--why he hasn’t told anyone about the scientist goo. “Don’t you see...we were a civilization at its very pinnacle! We would have nothing more to live for if the secrets of the Eye were revealed. Our knowledge would have killed us!” So I guess he just told everyone that they had to pick moss for the rest of their lives instead. Cool. While he’s rambling on about this, Kahn somehow gets transported into the room, but no one pays him much attention.

Kirk is skeptical of Tonar’s motives. “I see a man who is either short-sighted or vain enough to believe the universe is finite!” he says. “Or is your real motive that you fear the idea that your race’s entire lifestyle will be totally changed?” Keep in mind that said “lifestyle” currently consists of “everyone picks moss every day forever” and listen, I know change is hard, but I feel like most people would be pretty happy to move on from that one.

Tonar assumes that now Kirk has learned about...whatever it is Kirk has learned about here...he will “either control it or destroy it!” Kirk assures him that they won’t, and not only because seriously, where would they even start. “There are those who will try,” he says. “The Federation can protect you, allow you to share your knowledge with a united scientific collective! We are not exploiters, Tonar—and we’re not conquerors!”

Oh, and also Spock is here.

[ID: Tonar walking away towards the foreground, saying, “Please excuse me, Captain Kirk...I have something to tell my people!” Spock and Kirk are standing behind him, Spock saying, “It would seem I was not needed after all, Captain! I found Chekov and Manning looking for Admiral Kahn! They brought me here!”]

wow, you were so helpful in this issue Spock. really got a lot done.

Everyone heads back to Quodar, where Kirk tries to reconcile with Kahn, but apparently his encounter with the Eye has changed his priorities somewhat, and their differences now seem “pitifully insignificant.” Instead he’s been thinking about transferring to work with “the Tristas project” despite said project not yet being a thing that exists.

With that, everyone goes off to celebrate Quodar’s induction to the Federation, complete with some guys playing instruments that I initially mistook to be one double-barreled vuvuzela, which is a terrifying concept.

[ID: A large panel showing a crowd of people in front of a large building, while T’oell, Chapel, Arama, Spock, Kirk, Manning, Chekov and Kahn stand on a parapet under a green awning watching the celebration. In the foreground is a bald man in a blue shirt, green tabard and blue headband, playing a long silver horn, with another man standing behind him playing another such horn. Narration boxes at the top read, “Captain’s Log: Personal. Admiral Kahn admits his mind has pushed into his subconscious most of what he saw when he stumbled into the Eye, but I observe he is indeed a changed person! Other than that, the universe seems frustratingly unchanged in view of making what could be humanity’s greatest discovery! I don’t know what Khan saw in the “Eye”--but I envy him for having seen it!”]

And that’s the end! Well, that seems to sum everything up satisfyingly. I sure can’t think of any loose ends that might need tying up here, can you? Nah, I think we’re good.

[ellusquirk]

Hii! Can you do a one-shot with bakugou having a girlfriend who wears all black (like she gives of that “don’t fuck with me” vibe) but she’s actually like a huge nerd. Like she loves comic book (like marvel) and she’s really socially awkward

immediately thought of that vine where the kid screams “DONT FUCK WITH ME I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON MY SIDE AHHHHHH”. love this idea though omg and i really enjoyed writing it. i’m sorry this is so bad sksksk i tried

geeky goth || katsuki bakugou

If there was one person in U.A. that should be avoided, it was Katsuki Bakugou. He was rude, brash and overall rather unpleasant to everyone he came across, particularly so to those who made an effort to challenge him. It was evident that his goal of becoming Number One Hero took priority over everything else, friendships and relationships sat on the back burner. Then again, not many people would be willing to enter any kind of relationship with the boy based on his reputation alone. There seemed to be a silent consensus among his classmates that it was unlikely Bakugou would ever have a girlfriend - out of all the girls he did know he only knew two of their names, the others he probably wouldn’t be able to pick out from a line-up.

“Wait, Bakugou’s dating her?”

“There’s no way! Not even someone like her could fall for someone like him.”

“Be quiet you two! They might hear us!”

Kaminari, Sero and Kirishima watched in shock as Bakugou slung an arm around her shoulder, pulling her close and leading her away from the school. He kept his eyes on her as she talked, a small smile slipping onto her lips as she told him about the new special move she had come up with earlier that day. The permanent scowl on Bakugou’s face seemed to fade away, replaced by a lazy smile as he twirled some strands over her hair around his fingers, only talking when he she asked him a question. Other students stood and watched in shock as the couple walked towards the gates, mumbling among themselves and pointing at them carelessly, scuttling away quickly when either one of them flashed them a scowl.

“We have to follow them,” Kaminari said, not waiting from a response before rushing after them. Sero and Kirishima exchanged a hesitant look, hurrying after Kaminari and each grabbing one of his arms before he could step into their lines of view.

“If we’re going to follow them then we can’t be seen,” Kirishima whispered, eyes fixed on the pair just metres in front of them.

“I can’t believe Bakugou’s actually got a girlfriend,” Sero murmured. “Isn’t that the girl everyone avoids? She wears all black out of school right? Apparently all of her Hero costume is black too.”

“So Bakugou likes bad girls, huh?” Kaminari mumbled, eyes studying the girls form intently. “I can’t blame him - she’s pretty cute, but I bet she has a total goth personality.”

“Whatever you do, don’t repeat that to Bakugou,” Kirishima advised, flinging his arm out to stop the other two when the pair in front of them suddenly came to a stop at a pedestrian crossing. They watched as Bakugou jabbed the button, arm dropping down from her shoulders and wrapping around her waist, pulling her back flush against his front and resting his chin on her shoulder, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

The three boys watched on in shock, mouths wide open as they watched the exchange, noises of surprise escaping them when he let her go and interlinked their fingers, pulling her across the street and into the store directly in front of the pedestrian crossing. They quickly made their way to the crossing, sprinting across it before the cars waiting there patiently could move again and shoving their way into the store. Their eyes instantly found Bakugou’s ash blond hair peeking above some shelves at the opposite end of the store, his hushed voice floating over to them, the words not quite distinguishable. They slipped into the isle behind them, peering through the shelves at them and watching in awe as she leafed through some thin paper books, occasionally pulling one out and placing it on top of the slowly growing pile in Bakugou’s hands.

Kirishima looked away briefly to move some of boxes obscuring his view, before hesitating when his eyes landed on the familiar plastic figure inside one of them. The writing on the box read ‘Captain America’, and sure enough the figure inside was a miniature replica of the character. His gaze fluttered upwards, only to be met by more figurines depicting characters in their infamous poses.

“Wait, are we in a comic book store?”

Kaminari and Sero turned to him, eyebrows arched in confusion before they finally began to look around. Their mouths dropped open once more as they studied the figurines, eyes eventually finding their way back to where Bakugou had been standing, wincing when they realised he was no longer there.

“What the hell are you extras doing here?”

The three immediately tensed, reluctantly tearing their gaze away from the spot Bakugou and his girlfriend had been moment before and meeting the fiery red gaze of their friend. He held a stack of comic books in one arm, the other stretched backwards and holding her onto her hand as she hid behind him, peeking round for a second before blushing and hiding once again.

“The same reason as you, Bakugou!” Kaminari squeaked out finally.

Bakugou arched a brow. “What, so you’re all each other’s girlfriends now?”

“No, we were just looking at some of these figurines! Sero really wanted a Captain America one, and oh look we’ve found it!” Kirishima rushed out, snatching the figurine off of the shelf and thrusting it into Sero’s arms. Bakugou’s girlfriend peeked out from behind him again, eyes now locked onto the figurine in Sero’s arms. “Anyway, aren’t you going to introduce us to your girlfriend, Bakugou?”

An annoyed snarl escaped Bakugou’s lips, and he tugged you forwards gently, shooting a reassuring look your way. “Babe, these are some damn extras in my class. Shitty Hair, Dunce Face and Flat Face. And you lot, this is my girlfriend. Don’t do anything fucking weird or I’ll kill you.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Kirishima said with a small wave, which she returned shyly. “Bakugou, I didn’t know you had a girlfriend!”

“What’s it to you?” Bakugou snapped.

“I didn’t realise you liked Marvel too, Sero.” Everyone’s eyes instantly locked onto the girl tucked into Bakugou’s side, Sero blinking it confusion at her before looking down at the boxed figurine in his arms. “That figurine’s limited addition. You must be a pretty big fan if you want to spend all that money on it.”

“Oh, uh, yeah! I guess I am,” he said awkwardly, eyes fluttering down to the price tag and almost wincing when he saw the ¥ 10000 price sticker on it. His eyes snapped back to her, her eyes still fixed on the figurine. “Oh! If you want it I’ll give it to you. You seem to be pretty into all of this stuff and I’m more of a casual fan so, take it if you want it. I don’t mind.”

Her eyes widened in surprise. “Really?”

“Yeah, of course,” he said, handing it to her.

“Thank you.”

“Yeah, no problem.”

An uncomfortable silence hung over the five of them, before Bakugou sighed and led his girlfriend towards the counter to pay without so much as a goodbye. Sero, Kirishima and Kaminari shuffled outside of the store, collapsing on a nearby bench in slight shock, unable to form a coherent sentence to summarise what they had just experienced. Eventually Kaminari sat up straight, slamming a clenched fist into his other palm, eyes twinkling in admiration.

“Who’d have thought he’d get such a cute nerd? Good one Bakugou!”

[tessatechaitea]

Team Titans #23

Redwing must have been furious when she didn't make the Birds of Prey roster.

The good news is that I'm almost done reading all of the Team Titans comic books I own. The gooder news is that I'm almost done reading all of the New Titans comic books I own! The most goodest news of all is that I'm still alive somehow. Although that's only good news in the sense that, by being alive, I can appreciate being alive. The news that I were dead would be just fine with me as well because I wouldn't have to hear it. The good news about the bad news of my death is that none of you would hear of it either! You'd all just believe that I got bored of writing comic book reviews and went off to live on a beautiful tropic island full of kittens. After I finish reading Team Titans and New Titans, I'll have to dig out another old series to reread. I'm excited to find out what it will be! I was on Twitter earlier and was perplexed by this person's response to a Tom King tweet. If a smarter reader than me could explain what he meant, I'd truly appreciate it!

My current theories: 1. He's just a Trumpist and knows Tom King isn't a white supremacist asshole so he simply assumes this tweet is somehow mocking Trump. 2. The Tweet didn't delve inside the mind of the protagonist thus relying too much on the reader using their own mind to form conclusions of the protagonist's intent, making it a 'difficult' read. 3. The person replying probably just responds this way to all of Tom King's tweets because Batman isn't punching enough villains these days.

This issue begins with Jensen practicing some of his beat poetry.

Snap! Snap! Snap!

Snap! Snap! Snap!

Snap! Snap! Snap!

Audience nods smartly while puffing nonchalantly on long cigarettes.

Redwing has transformed into a woman with the head of a bird and huge talons on her hands. If any of these Team Titans had a romantic interest in her, they'd probably be thinking, "Did her anus, vagina, and urethra just merge into a cloaca?" But apparently none of them do have that kind of interest because none of them are currently throwing up the way I am after having that thought. But now I'm also thinking of Hawkman and Hawkwoman's sex talk. "Let's kiss cloacae, baby!" While everybody tries to pretend Redwing is still the same person she's always been (except grosser), Chimera reminds the Team Titans that other totally-not-monsters-just-because-they-look-like-human/animal-hybrid creatures are trying to kill them. For some reason, Redwing attacks the other Team Titans. Maybe she's just trying to get them to admit that they all think she's a monster now. If that was her plan, it works because Lapidus is all, "If you're intent on proving you're as much a monster inside as well as out, then you'll have to go through me!" Idiot! You're not supposed to say she looks like a monster to her face! You're supposed to act more like her brother Prester Jon and avoid eye contact and tugging at the inside of your shirt collar and mumbling things like, "Yikes!" At least that allows you to deny your true feelings when she confronts you about why you're acting so weird.

Me at prom.

Sometimes I completely understand that I'm reviewing comic books that never wanted me as an audience. I don't care what young person is infatuated with what other young person, or how much bullshit drama one member of the team can create for no reason at all. If I was, I would be a fan of the Legion of Super-heroes. So if I hate this comic book with such passion that I've certainly spontaneously created at least five kidney stones within me, it really shouldn't reflect on the comic book at all. I'm sure somebody cares that Killowat has a crush on Mirage but he's also a racist piece of shit. I'm sure somebody cares that Terra has littered the Troy Family Farm with stone dildos because Changeling won't fuck her. I'm sure somebody cares that Prestor Jon has an issue with his sister because she doesn't look as human as she used to (while it's okay for him to look like Stretch Armstrong). But that someone is not me. I don't think it ever was me. Half the comic books I own were purchased because of simple momentum. I bought the first issue and felt compelled to buy the second issue and, well, fuck it? Why not just keep buying them no matter how terrible they were?! I know that doesn't say anything positive about my decision making but then I've also never claimed to be good at making decisions. The fact that I read every comic book of The New 52 for six or seven years proves that! Prester Jon refers to Qurac as "hell on Earth" which Chimera has opinions on.

"Hell! What a western concept! But, I mean, you're right and I'm going to go along with that characterization so I don't even know why I pointed that out!" I didn't say she had strong opinions on it.

Chimera mentions that she last met the Team Titans in Team Titans Annual #1. Fuck! I didn't review that issue! I'm sure I own it but it might be stored with all of the Bloodlines Annuals. Well, I guess I can review it whenever I find it during my reread of all of my thousands of comic books from the last forty years!

It's true that I never expected Peter David's Aquaman but I certainly wasn't waiting for it.

Prester Jon tries to discover what caused Redwing's transformation (as well as that of the human/animal hybrids outside) while a young Quraci girl looks at Redwing and cries. I think it's supposed to be touching how the little girl can't communicate but she can feel emotions. Although it would be better if she could communicate because, for some reason, she knows the entire backstory as to how and why people became mutant animal monsters. Something about how aliens crashed in the desert and Circe saw they could be used to make human/animal hybrids but some of the aliens died in the desert and when Cheshire nuked Qurac, the aliens were atomized and everybody breathed in cremated alien space DNA. It's totally the kind of thing a little girl would know all about. Chimera shows Killowat and Terra that the Americans have come to Qurac to save the oil and not the people. That sets off Killowat's Angry Right Wing Logic Centers.

Oh? Is criticizing America's foreign policy of protecting investments considered politically correct? Although doesn't this anger and argument seem tame from a 2019 perspective?

Anybody who begins an argument with "I refuse to believe" is a person with whom I immediately stop arguing. It's a great opening tactic because I appreciate your desire to not waste my time by immediately revealing that you won't be listening to facts and evidence. Also, "I refuse to believe America would rape a country of its resources at the expense of saving the people" may as well be a declaration that you spent most of your time in history class yelling, "Nyah nyah nyah nyah! I can't hear you!" Not that America's public educational system was particularly great at exposing America's imperialistic abuse! There's definitely a reason right wing thinkers believe college educations turn people into leftists. Because it does! Leftists are just rational people who aren't viewing the world through the lens of preconceived opinions! College educations are less about broad generalizations and more about trying to put history in as much context as possible. Patriots are often as blind as people of faith. One of the conditions of being faithful is to not question your faith. It's right there in the word! So any examination of your faith is questioning that which you shouldn't question. Being a patriot is the exact same thing. If you question our government, you're against our government. There's no belief in trying to improve our government because it's an acceptance of flaws in the United States. Of course now that's simply become a way to not ever question anything a Republican does because obviously everything any Democrat does is completely wrong. It's believing in tribe over anything else. I am not a Democrat because I believe whatever the fuck every Democrat believes. Hell, I'm not even technically a Democrat! I am liberal, sure. But I don't support any idea or belief from what would be considered my tribe. And neither are a lot of liberals which is why you have trouble with Democratic voter turnout. Every Republican nominee is practically interchangeable. As long as they spout the handful of talking points important to the accepted base (2nd amendment, anti-abortion, Christian values, white supremacy...I mean states rights!), they'll do. But Democrats have the constant fight over whether a candidate will lose voters if they move left away from center while hardly ever acknowledging how many votes they'll gain as they move left. I've always said they should abandon all those assholes at the center. If you're only voting Democrat because you support their social views but don't want higher taxes maybe you're actually a Republican. Because if the Democratic party moves further left and you abandon it because of taxes to side with the gun toting fetuses who support locking up refugees on our southern border, who the fuck wants you at that party anyway?! Back to the comic book, the Team Titans speculate that the cremated alien DNA has combined with the tainted oil in Qurac and the metagenes in certain individuals to transform them into monsters. So now they've got to destroy all of America's profits by making sure the oil isn't sold all over the world. Killowat is all, "I can't believe we're going to save the world at the risk of America's profits!" I mean, he doesn't say that explicitly. But I can read between his racist and xenophobic lines.

Finally an argument that wins him over!

Look, I get being resistant to truth! Whenever I brush my teeth, I can't help thinking about the Barney song where they mime brushing with huge toothbrushes and sing, "While I'm brushing my teeth and having so much fun, I never let the water run!" And then I just let the water run! I know, I know. I'm a fucking monster! Terra and Killowat solve the problem by putting the contaminated oil back into the ground. That seems scientifically sound enough that I won't bother questioning it like a college-educated leftist. But Killowat assures Chimera that she hasn't won the argument even though her argument was simply, "Maybe you should question your government sometimes, idiot." Meanwhile the animal people attack the other Titans upstairs. The Titans can't kill them because they were once people (although I guess if they had always been sentient monster people, it would have been okay to kill them? Sometimes I'm not entirely sure of comic book superhero rules). They solve their problem by sending them into a Fairy Land via one of Chimera's portals. She was hesitant to do it earlier because she didn't know if what transformed them was catching. But now that Prester Jon somehow did science and figured out what happened, everybody agrees it's okay to banish them to a world where they'll never see their loved ones again and nobody will work out how to save them and they'll probably just turn on each other when they get hungry. Superman throwing every villain into the Phantom Zone has left a terrible example for young heroes to follow!

Oh the 90s! When every time anybody said anything, you had to wait a few seconds to see whether or not they really believed what they just said!

Later Killowat acts like a total jerk. But he acts like a different kind of total jerk than he usually acts like. So after he's done, he says, "Whoa! What just happened?! Is that shadowy person on the ground hiding behind the tree controlling me?! And who might it be?! ZERO HOUR!" Team Titans #23 Rating: B-. They sure used to pack a lot of story and words into comic books, didn't they?! And for only $1.95! That's two dollars less than the crappy comics DC puts out today that have four less pages and far less story every month! And it's three dollars less than Marvel books! No wonder Marvel is more popular. People probably look at the price and think, "Whoa! I'm getting a whole dollar more quality out of this comic book than that stupid DC comic book!" It also might help that Marvel doesn't mind having synopses of the story to help new readers or old readers whose memories aren't that great anymore. DC refuses to do the same, instead relying on the writer wasting two or three pages of actual story where characters think about what happened in the previous issue. A lot of DC books suck in collected formats!

[crashdevlin]

Bottle-7: Nightmares

Bottle Masterlist

Author’s Note: Originally posted to ao3 (This is an edited and improved version), I work in info from the comics (Like Hawkeye was married to Mockingbird and Red Skull had a disappointing daughter) and I took a few liberties with what the scepter could do (but not really because the Mind Stone was used to create the Twins so what I did is not that far-fetched). This is a lot more angst than I realized when I wrote it, but it’s compelling angst.

Summary: Cassandra Campbell is a Stark Industries lab tech with dubious genetics and a history with the new Director of SHIELD. She’s been working in New York since right before the Chitauri invasion. What does she have to do with Loki, and what will happen when he returns? Starts post TDW and continues to the end of AoU.

Pairing(s): Phil Coulson x OFC (Past), Loki x OFC (Non-con), Clint Barton x OFC, Steve Rogers x OFC

Word Count: 4004

Story Warnings: So many, worst (to me) are bolded. Younger woman/older man relationship,non-con, mutilation, torture, mind control, PTSD, depression, alcoholism, forced abortions, bad things (non-con) in a church, insomnia, memory manipulation, eventual consensual oral sex (female and male receiving),

Chapter Warnings: insomnia, nightmares, depression, alcoholism, general identity issues, bad German from Google Translate, mentions of suicidal thoughts

Cassie's dreams hadn't been what would be called 'pleasant' in a couple years, but her nightmares had steadily become more distressing. When she woke, she took a deep breath to steady her heart rate and it fell immediately. She rubbed at her eyes with the blanket and folded it, throwing it next to her jump seat.

"You okay?" Clint asked, from the pilot's seat. Natasha had traded for the seat beside him.

"I'm fine," Cassie said, her voice monotone as she stood to walk up between the two agents.

"Well, maybe this’ll cheer you up. Welcome home," Clint said, reaching over to flip several switches on the jet's console.

Cassie looked out at the New York skyline. Twinkling lights and skyscrapers greeted her as she looked out the front of the jet. Right in the middle of the picturesque landscape stood Stark Tower, the visual confirmation of Tony Stark's ego. She might have found it beautiful if it weren’t the building where Loki Laufeyson had turned her into a monster... twice. 'Home' was not the word she would use.

As they walked into the top of the Tower, Steve walked out of a door to their immediate left. "Romanoff, Barton, mission debrief."

The agents split off from her without a word. Cassie looked around, seeming a bit lost as she set her bag against the closest wall. "Lab tech!" She heard from her right. "Come talk to me."

Cassie nodded and headed over to Tony. He shut the door behind her and headed to a wet bar behind to his desk. He poured two glasses of scotch and set one on the opposite edge of his desk, right in front of her. He sat down and took a sip, eyeing her. "How was Austria?" he asked as she picked up the tumbler.

She looked down at the glass. "It was good. Nice." She took a sip. It was smooth and strong. Much better than the home-made vodka she'd been downing every night to help her sleep. "All I had to worry about was bratwurst and God."

"Well, that sounds... so boring. Boring like listening to Cap extol on the virtues of the 'good ol' days'."

"Well, it might not be saving the world, but I wasn't putting it in danger, either. And it was quiet. I thought it might help me to... deal." She whispered the last word.

"Yeah. Everybody has their coping methods. Me, I drink a lot," Tony said, lifting his glass. "Or, I make metal suits. Hawk shoots stuff, Romanoff kills things. You and Banner seem to be fans of the 'disappear into the middle of nowhere and get a taste of the simple life' method. Whatever. Diff'rint strokes. But what's important is you come back when you're needed. And here you are."

"I hope it doesn't diminish anything that I tried to run when... Barton showed up." She didn't feel quite up to 'first-naming' Hawkeye, yet.

"Not at all. Figured you would. Look, you're here and in not a whole lot worse condition than when you left. I had Pepper put you on a leave of absence when Loki grabbed you, so you have a job downstairs, if you want it. And you're still what Fury calls 'enhanced', so you have a job up here."

"I don't know. I mean... I haven't even considered coming back to the lab."

"You've got time to think about it, but I'd really like you on the team when we go searching for the sceptre. It's like an epic quest. It'll be fun," he encouraged.

"Maybe."

"Well, either way, why don't you head over to the lab, let Banner scan you? I'd like to make sure Austria didn't fuck you up."

Cassie nodded, finishing off her scotch and standing.

**********

She opened the sliding door to the lab and smiled, timidly. Banner wasn't a man she'd spoken with much before, but he seemed to be the only one who didn't have judgement in his eyes when he looked at her. "Oh, hello. Welcome back. Why don't you get a seat?" Bruce said, adjusting his glasses and tapping away at a tablet.

She jumped up on the exam table and looked around at all the equipment, most of it familiar, but some of it obviously specialized. "So, 'Red Queen', huh?"

"Well, it's just something I was tossing around. Everyone's got a superhero name, you know. The big guy's The Hulk, Tony is Iron Man. Hawkeye, Black Widow, Captain America. I thought you, you know, you ought to have one, too."

"Well, I like it. It's better than 'Red Skulletta'," she said, with a small smile. Bruce just continued looking down at his tablet. "That was a joke." She leaned forward. "Maybe I should try it in German. They got a kick out of me back in Hohenhems."

Bruce looked up from his tablet and gave a little smile as he took off his glasses. "Sorry. I get lost in the science sometimes. How was Hohenhems?"

Cassie smiled. "It was quiet. The people were really nice, worked with me, helped me learn German, well, relearn it. It was simple. I was... almost happy there. Working on happy, anyway. Until Loki found me, again. That always puts an end to 'happy'."

Bruce scanned her from head to toe. "Well, at least you're here now," he said, absentmindedly.

"Yeah." Everyone seemed to think that was a good thing. Who was she to argue?

"Let me just get some blood and you can head down to your apartment." Anxiety flooded her at the mention of her apartment and Banner’s tablet beeped. "Or, judging by that spike in your blood pressure, you might want to find one of Tony's couches to crash on."

She smiled, embarrassed. "Speaking of crashing, you got anything that would help me sleep?"

"Yeah. I have a couple sedatives around. Insomnia?" he asked, straightening her arm and wrapping a rubber band around her bicep.

"No... uh, nightmares," she whispered, as he gently pushed a needle into her vein.

Bruce nodded. He pulled out the vial of blood and labelled it, before walking over to a cabinet and grabbing a bottle. "This is Lorazapam. Take one about half an hour before you try to sleep. It'll relax you and your mind won't be so anxious. It should work on the nightmares better than Tony's scotch would."

She felt her cheeks heat up at that. How'd he know she was planning to steal her boss' amazing scotch? She jumped down and grabbed the bottle from his hand. She smiled and thanked him. She had her hand on the door when Banner turned his back to her. "Scrutiny sucks," he said, suddenly. The words sounded awkward from the quiet scientist.

Cassie turned back, pushing the pill bottle into her pocket. Bruce took off his glasses, setting them on the table next to him. "I mean... it's no one else's business what happened between you and Coulson. No one's business why you left that base in the Alps. But they will be watching, judging, because that's... human nature."

She sighed, sadly. "I left because I wanted to try to outrun the scrutiny. Guess that was wishful thinking."

"Well... I... I'm not the judging type. The other guy has done some horrible things, so I don't judge. If you need an ear... I'm in this lab, most of the time."

Cassie smiled a little, stepping forward, then jumping back onto the exam table, leaning back on it. "Can I hang in here with you, for a little while, then? I don't want to deal with Steve's cold looks, or the weirdness with Barton. Eventually, we're going to get a call from Phil, and I'll have those questions to answer. I'll take a judgement-free zone where I can get it."

"Why don't you have one of those Lorazapams, take a nap?"

She took the pills out of her pocket and placed five on her tongue. She took a deep breath and rolled over on her side, curling her arm under her head and closing her eyes.

********************

Cassie had read somewhere that dreams of running for your life, being hunted by something that you can instinctively tell is faster than you, were normal. She'd never been able to find anything about being the one on the hunter side. Her dream-self cornered its prey and pulled them to her. "Hail Hydra," she whispered in her prey's ear as she brought a knife to their neck. "Sie werden nie dein schicksal besiegen, [You will never defeat your fate.]" she whispered, before violently pulling the knife across her victim's throat. As the body fell to the concrete beneath her dream self, Cassie could see her own face on the victim.

Her eyes flew open, her whole body tense. "Sie werden nie dein schicksal besiegen," she whispered, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. She looked around and saw Tony and Bruce, standing outside the lab doors, looking at a tablet. She looked at her watch. She'd gotten six hours. She hadn't gotten that much sleep in one go since she left the Playground. "Thank you, Ativan," she said, grabbing the bottle from the table next to the exam table and jumping down. She opened the lab door and smiled at the scientists.

"How'd you sleep?" Bruce asked.

"Better than I have in months, actually. Made it past hour four, so..." Cassie cleared her throat. "Um, Tony... sir. I'm in a good... well, a rested mindset, so I wanted to tell you that I'm going to respectfully decline going back to work in the lab."

Tony shrugged. "No biggie. I'm sure we can-"

"I'd like to focus on Ops training. I'm excited to make sure Loki never lays hands on that scepter again. I'd like to go on that quest. But being strong and fast won't do me any good if I can't fight. And if I can't fight, then I'm useless here."

The men exchanged a look. "Okay. I'll tell Romanoff you need some ass-kicking lessons," Tony responded.

"Don't bother. I'll talk to Barton. That conversation's gotta happen sometime. Better now, when I've had an almost full round of sleep," she said, before walking away.

She found him, with the help of Jarvis, several levels below the penthouse in a large open room with dozens of targets. "Stark made a shooting range? How thoughtful," Cassie said, walking in behind him.

"There's also some foam mats in a closet somewhere, in case Tash gets the urge to kick my ass," he said, throwing the knife that sat balanced on his fingers into a target behind him.

"Got a minute?"

He nodded and grabbed two folding chairs from the wall next to the door. She sat in one, turning it so that her chest was leaning on the back rest. "I was deluded, back at der... the Playground. To think I could carry a Jotun baby... it would have killed me. You saved me from myself. And I hated you for it."

She rested her chin on her hands, on the backrest of the chair. "I understand now. I can't win against destiny. Can't run or hide. I was created to be a super-soldier. I wasn't created to be a scientist or-or a mother. So, I may as well fulfill that."

"I thought you weren't Ops material?"

"Well, I must be. Joanna was pretty good at all that stuff. Sliding down elevator cables, jumping from fire escapes to windows... I did that stuff. Somewhere in me is the fortitude for Ops training. So, I'm coming to you, the one person who has known me longer than anyone except Phil and Fury. Teach me Ops."

Clint looked down. "Who told you?"

"I must've known. Realized I'd seen you trailing me. Joanna knew. Fury confirmed it for her...me... and then you admitted to watching me with a high power scope. Pretty easy there.” She sighed, heavily, a thickness filling her chest. “I don't mind, well, I do, but... I'm Red Skull's daughter. Phil was a level 8 agent. Fury had to keep his eye out."

Clint sighed, disappointed in himself. "I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you. I just... didn't know how."

"It's fine, Clint. It's good to have someone around who knows me... because I don't think I know myself right now." Her eyes stung as she said the words.

Clint stood, before dropping to his knees next to her. "Cassie, you don't know who you are? I do. You are a scientist. You matched wits with some of the brightest minds in Stark Industries. You are a wonderful, intelligent, selfless woman who has faced so much in the last two years. To come out alive... I'm amazed by you. I've been amazed by you from the moment Fury put me on you." He grabbed her shoulders and turned her to look at him.

"I thought it'd be boring. I thought I'd just have to wait a week or so to get evidence of you meeting with Hydra operatives or using Coulson somehow. What I saw was beauty. I saw confidence. I saw a woman deeply in love with a man who was never really around to return that love.” Clint smiled, slightly. “I remember Phil going on a mission once, and you sat around sewing the holes in his suits, while studying tissue histology in a microscope. You never made friends, because Phil was all you cared about. You based your entire life around a man who was gone for weeks at a time. You got your school work done in between making sure everything was perfect every day, just in case Coulson came home. And the day he came home, and wouldn't shut his fucking face about that cellist he saved... I remember the look on your face when you decided to leave everything you had behind and embark on a life by yourself with his kid, so that he could be happy. You didn't even cry, because you were happy letting him be happy. That is you. Selfless, loyal, never thinking about yourself."

She couldn't deny the tears rolling down her cheek this time. "I don't feel like that woman anymore. I lost... everything. I lost Phil. I lost Faye. I lost my humanity, my optimism. I lost my second chance at being happy. Loki killed me. So, who am I now, Clint?"

Clint’s heart ached at the sight of her tears, the way her voice broke as she talked of her loss. "You are the same woman. You're just a little beaten down, right now," Clint said, taking her hands.

Cassie laughed, sarcastically. She pulled her hands out of his grasp and wiped at her tears. "Beaten down was miles back. I'm broken down. I don't sleep. I can't think. I couldn't even tell that Loki had replaced Father Nathan back at the church. That's why Hohenhems was so good to me, nothing required effort. Warm up some sausage, put it on a plate, go back to church and pray for the will to end it all, cry myself to sleep, wake up in cold sweats and do it all over again."

She stood, suddenly, pushing the chair and the archer away, stepping away from him. "I thought I could do this. I thought I could come back and answer all the questions and it could go back to how it was before. But I can't. I'm not... I can't do this," she said, rushing out the door.

********************

Cassie sat in the dive bar Clint had taken her to all those months ago, her glass half-full of a 151 white rum. She'd already downed three and she was happily starting to feel drunk.

"So, what's a beautiful woman like you, doing drinking hard liquor in a dive bar?" a man asked, sitting on the barstool next to her.

"Move on," she said, not looking at him as she downed the rest of her drink and raised her hand for another.

"What's that?"

"I said, 'Move on'." She raised her head and turned slightly to the attractive dark-haired man beside her. "I'm a beautiful woman drinking hard liquor in a dive bar. Don't you think that probably translates into trouble?"

He smirked. "What if I'm a guy who likes trouble?"

She let out an exasperated breath."Mein Gott, werfen sie einen hinweis. [My God, take a hint.] I don't know how to simplify this for you. I want to be left alone. Move on."

"Es tut mir leid. Ich dachte, vielleicht haben sie eine schwester waren. [I’m so sorry. I thought, maybe, you were a sister.] Heil Hydra," he said, before standing.

She put her hand out and grabbed his wrist. "Heil Hydra?" she whispered, before turning to him. "What would make you say that? Looking at me from across the bar, you think I'm one of you?"

"I... thought maybe you were..." The man looked confused. "There was a legacy we lost. You look just like..."

"Your legacy is dead!" she whispered, furiously. "There is no heir. There should be no Hydra." She stood from her stool and wrapped her left hand around his throat. His eyes went wide as she flexed her fingers to dig them into his skin. "All you pretty young American boys pulled so effortlessly into the jaws of Nazism and you don't even recognise it." She tightened her fingers' grip further around his throat. "You, though... you recognise me. You were SHIELD. Must've seen my file."

He nodded, as best as he could. "Fury never put it on the books that you'd been let out of the Fridge,” he croaked. “Whitehall was very interested in getting you back. John Garret and I searched for an hour, in the middle of what was practically a war zone, in order to get you back where you belong."

Cassie smiled and let her hand go from around his neck, stepping toward the door. "Everyone seems to think they know where I should be. I don't belong with Hydra. They might have created me, but they lost ownership years ago. If you want to pick up the shambles of your organization, don't look at me," she said, before walking out the door.

She walked in silence to the subway and sat down in the far back corner of the car. It was quiet. She relished the quiet. Until the doors opened at the next station and several people got on. They all took places around the car, some standing, some sitting. Cassie could see a pattern to their placement. Someone had planned the movements so that she was in the middle and no one was in the others' crossbeams. The person standing closest to her had done a good job of hiding the gun strapped to the inside of her thigh, but a knife was sticking out of the back of her jogging suit.

No one moved as the subway started toward the next station. "I take it you guys wouldn't be inclined to let me off at the next station?" she asked. No one even looked at her. She nodded, then shook her head. Fucking agents, but whose agency?

When the next station came, the doors opened to reveal a tall blonde woman in all black. "Joanna Schmidt?"

Cassie looked up at the Amazonian-looking woman with as much boredom as she could manage. "Wrong chick. I'm Cassandra Campbell. You are?"

The blonde smiled brightly and held out her hand. "Bobbi Morse, Agent of SHIELD. Director Coulson sent us to retrieve you. We weren't sure you were, you know, yourself, hence the manpower."

Cassie took the hand and stood, shaking it. "You're Mockingbird," she said, looking the beautiful woman in the face.

Bobbie chuckled. "I haven't been called that codename in a while. How'd you hear that name?"

"There wasn't much to do in Austria so, I went through some of the SHIELD files Black Widow dumped to the web. I was mostly looking up stuff on the AVENGERS INITIATIVE. I followed a link from Cli- Agent Barton's file to yours..."

"Ah, ex-husband #1. That was a... crazy thing. Come on, let's get you to the director." Cassie followed the woman out of the station, to the SUV waiting on the street above. They sat next to each other in silence for a while before Bobbi cleared her throat. "Clint's a good guy. It just... didn't work."

"Things rarely do, Agent Morse."

*******************

Cassie followed Bobbi through the new secret SHIELD compound, walking through a maze of hallways that seemed intentionally confusing. As she walked, her eyes caught sight of the agents she recognized from Joanna's attack on the Playground staring at her from their offices and labs. Bobbi opened a large wooden door and led her in. Phil stood behind a large wooden desk.

"We're okay, Bobbi. Thank you," he said, sitting down in a large leather chair. Bobbi nodded and vacated the room. Phil looked up at Cassie, standing in front of his desk. "You left before I could talk to you."

"Yeah, well, you had an agency to... that's a lie." She cut herself off, dropping down into the chair on the other side of the desk. "I ran because I didn't want to deal with it." She sighed, sadly, looking at her lap.

"You were never supposed to know about Faye. You weren't gonna be on her birth certificate, I was never going to ask you for anything. As soon as I made the decision to leave, she stopped being ours. She was mine. Only mine. And then she wasn't." Her eyes moved from her lap to the ground in front of her. "I went a little nuts after. Losing her, becoming this, everything that Loki did… did to me. It took a while to even be okay, but eventually I dealt with it. I was fine. I was sleeping, no one knew what he had done. I was okay."

Cassie put her head in her hands, her voice breaking. "I'm not okay, now. I left, chased simplicity, tried to find fine again, but I can't. I can't be okay, not after everything. I ran so that no one would see me fall apart, but I can't help it now. Everyone knows how fucked I am, and I have no way to hide this time."

Phil stood, rounding his desk to kneel in front of her, trying to catch her eyes. "You don't have to be okay. No one is expecting that. And you weren't really okay before. I just couldn't remember well enough to put my finger on what was wrong. You can't find fine and you can't fall into it. You need support, guidance. You need to talk about it."

He took her hand in one of his as she shook her head. "If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine. But you have to talk to someone. Do you remember me telling you about Andrew, May's ex-husband? He's an amazing psychologist and he's well versed in dealing with the Index."

Her eyes widened in realization. "Oh, my god. I'm on the Index, now, aren't I?" she whispered.

He nodded. "I put you on, myself. Listen, the Index isn't bad, Cassie. Remember, the Avengers came from that list."

She nodded. "Yeah. I'm on their list, too."

"You didn't expect Tony Stark to back off, did you?"

"Well, Rogers did. Steve backed off all the way to calling me 'Miss Campbell’ again."

"Yeah... sorry about that. I, uh, know you were looking forward to a second date with my hero," he said, bitterly.

She shrugged. "It wasn't something I wanted, Phil, until it suddenly was. I mean, you know him... he's a great man. But don't worry, he's cold shouldered me enough that I got the hint."

"I'm not worried. I don't have a right to be. I pushed you away, and if there was anyone I'd want you to... get over me with... Not him, come on!" he whined.

Cassie smiled, slightly. "Okay. So, Andrew."

KITCHEN SINK TAGS @heyitscam99 @wonderlandfandomkingdom @unlikelysamwinchesteronahunt @mrs-meghan-winchester @henrymorganme @lonely-skys

[beneathshadowsrp]

GABRIEL MILLER

FACECLAIM: JOSEPH MORGAN AGE: 134 SPECIES: VAMPIRE OCCUPATION: Co-Owner of Saints and Sinners ARRIVED: March 22, 2012 DECLARED

“THE VIGILANTE”

Life on a farm was simple for Gabriel Miller. His folks were the religious type, steered clear of trouble and kept their heads down. Before he was born, they headed west to North Dakota, where they settled on some farmland and brought up Gabriel and his five siblings. He was one of three boys who were put to work, plowing the land and herding the cattle. They lived rural enough that when Amos Chesterfield began his war in North America, they were pretty much out of the battle. Gabriel took to that life of keeping his head down and avoiding trouble. Of his siblings, he was a bit of a runt. He was the quiet, thoughtful one. He learned to read from their mother and would save up for books. His mother thought he could be the cerebral type and if he could go to college, maybe he could be smart enough to open a store someday.

His brothers and father snorted and thought that was a pretty good joke. The Millers were people of the land. The biggest accomplishment in their family was Gabriel’s parents moving out and settling westward, finally owning their own land and farming successfully. Why take a chance on some books when you knew that working the land would always bring you good fortune? A small town developed nearby and Gabe was in charge of taking the crops into town for sale. He had a trustworthy face and he knew just how to calculate a deal that was fair to everyone. Well, his mama wasn’t wrong about him having the brains for maths and business. The owner of the store was looking for someone to look after the books in the store. It paid more than working on the farm and it would give Gabe a chance to meet more people in town. After a few months, the store owner offered to sponsor Gabe going to college. That was how Gabe found himself in North Carolina, attending Salem College in the early 1900s. He lived like he did in North Dakota– head down, in a book, mind your business. Aside from his sponsorship, his life was nothing extraordinary. That was, until he met Reid Cassidy.

He couldn’t quite remember the night, possibly because he had been compelled, but the next thing he knew, he wasn’t himself. He had awaken with a coldness in him, a blood thirst, and heightened senses. He knew about the supernatural. The war was no secret, but it was one thing to read about these creatures in the paper and another to be one. Gabe had no choice but to follow Reid, who didn’t seem to have much of an opinion of him in the beginning. But Gabriel was desperate to learn control– he thought back to how his family would think of him as an abomination. The initial fear of his life changing was normal but as he learned control, he also learned that maybe he wouldn’t have even wanted to go back to North Dakota. Nothing waited for him there except for his mother and his friendship with the store owner. Neither of them expected him to return, anyway. So Gabe tried to find a way to make sense of his new existence, following Reid.

They worked well because when Reid said jump, Gabe would. But there was some respect between them. Gabe wasn’t a leader, he was more a sheep. If someone point him in a direction and said ‘walk,’ he would. When the fad of superheroes emerged in the late 1930s, Gabe became enamoured with the glory and fantasy. It did not take him long to take a step back and think “wait.” He was just as strong, just as fast as the heroes in the books. Why couldn’t he recreate his life like them? He identified with Clark Kent, always feeling a bit like an outsider, unassuming at a glance, but with undeniable power within. He started donning a simple black eye mask at night when he had no responsibilities and tried out the superhero fantasy.

He would stop hunters from killing innocent supes. He would save women getting robbed on their way home. He healed victims of muggings or jumped by gang members. For once, Gabe felt like a hero. His life had meaning and purpose. When Reid bought Saints and Sinners, Gabe didn’t hesitate to be the face of it. It was a little wild and unexpected for a guy so timid and stoic on the outside to own a club that survived on the instincts on heathens. But also, who would expect a vigilante do-gooder to own a club for sin? It was a perfect cover too, to say he was working at the club late or cleaning in case anything got traced back to him. By day, Gabe would have his usual persona, and at night, he would protect the innocents he could find.

At one point, he was approached by a member of the Horsemen. However, he didn’t always agree with their missions or actions. He agreed to work with them when their tasks aligned with his morals, but he isn’t currently a full-fledged member. For now, Gabe is content turning his curse of vampirism into a way to protect and serve those in need. It gives him a purpose, it gives him the fantasy and heroism he never lived at a human. But for how long can he keep the charade up?

-BEHIND THE CURTAIN-

Gabriel is a gemini of a person. To most, he’s a brainy, awkward, and unassuming guy. He gets by by trying to seem serious most of the time. He doesn’t have much of a sense of humour but isn’t necessarily grumpy by any means. He is driven by a sense of duty and a longing to belong but without means to easily connect with others. He seems stoic and intelligent to others but deep down he isn’t sure how to connect on a human level to others. His ‘superhero’ alter ego however, is brave and daring, and understands people. However, his understanding is fairly one-dimensional given it’s based off of what he’s taken from superhero comics. But it makes him feel significant that he can do something positive in the world, even if it’s disguised behind a mask.

[wispy-selfship-eden]

Youtuber AU (Harem)

Welp, this is based off of my future dream of ‘if i ever got more involved in YouTube’ XD I hope everyone enjoys! because I just think I’d be casual with YouTube, you know? but anyways, here we go!

>> This AU would start if I had proper equipment and time, and would be alive since middle school. It was mostly to privately post shitposts and videos of my friends and the things I do to them that make me annoying X’D.

         - I filmed secretly in school. If i wanted to do it out in the open, it’s always with the teacher’s permission. Either that or it’s the perfect place for posting school project related stuff :D

>> After graduating 8th Grade, the Youtube channel was dead for two years since I got preoccupied with starting High School ^^;; During the time, I eventually forgot it existed.

☆ That’s when until near the end of Sophomore year, while allowing myself to suffer under schoolwork, my love for anime and whatnot motivated me to create a channel! And that’s when I found and polished my old channel and privately stored away the middle school videos; renewing it!

☆ My official Youtuber name becomes “[}| AniMania |{]” (The emoticons will come in later on)

☆ @lovesick-au-lait would be one of my greatest friends and eventually become my Youtube partner :D She also runs her own really nice channel where she posts Speed drawings/paintings of her art <3

☆ Most of my content is related to anime, manga, and franchises I’m into ^^ I do skits, fandubs (of comics, specific anime scenes, or even fanfiction readings XD), and various discussions on the things I love. Very rarely do I do a vlog tho uwu; Showing my real self is, at first, uncomfortable.

And now, we move on to my bois~ <3

Izuku Midoriya:

🍀 Izuku tries to post a video biweekly. Other than that, it’s not as much impulsively.

🍀 He mostly focuses on analyzing heroic figures! Not just from Marvel or DC or other fandoms, but also in real life as well! It’s incredible how in depth he does his research and how he doesn’t leave out other opinions.

🍀 Other videos consist of training videos, or training how to do certain moves because HE BUFF A F LIKE LOOK AT HIM. *insert eyes emoji here*

🍀 Sometimes Finnian (Black Butler) shows himself in videos as he’s Izuku’s ‘assistant’ in moving props around c:

🍀 He collaborates with me not only because he’s a sweetheart but his vice is so soothing and cute it makes the female viewers giddy.

🍀 We both met up when he was still in middle school. I supported him all the way in helping him grow and push forward.

Yoosung Kim:

🐶 He’s become one of the most prominent gamers on Youtube. Sure he doesn’t post as frequently due to his up and coming job as a Veterinarian, but he still makes his videos worth it.

🐶 He often collaborates with Soujiro’s channel, especially when playing either LOLOL or Elder Tale (he still would rather play the former)

🐶 Of course, his content is mostly gaming! Especially MMORPGs (they take your soul, but the pain is so g o o d and irresistible.) However, he is up for trying new kinds of games and different genres :D

🐶 I sometimes game with him too! But seriously, there are compilation videos of him when he’s gaming. From ‘hilariously silly’ to ‘hilariously raging’. Sometimes, there is no in-between.

🐶 Since we share the most hobbies with each other, he is a guest star in my videos the most! Especially since he’s such a cutesy guy, like a k-pop star sometimes.

🐶 We met when  began rebooting my channel. Because I reached a subscriber milestone, I was going to buy an actual RPGMaker program and I bumped into Yoosung. (My boy--why are you outside at flipping 6 AM in the morning?? ??)

Soujiro Seta:

⚔️ He is also a fellow Youtube gamer, mostly focusing on Elder Tale, along with playing with Yoosung, Shiroe, and Naotsugu! He does play other MMORPGs but it’s just not the same ^^

⚔️ I have a headcanon since he’s a samurai in Elder Tale, maybe he has potential talent to handle real samurai swords in real life? Like how to polish them, sharpen them, and how to wield them? It’s pretty epic. He’s called the ‘real-life samurai’ through his journey in indulging himself in that C: <3

⚔️ Other than that, he also co-hosts on my channel since he barely posts anything else on his own ^^;

⚔️ He works in my skits very frequently XD Because he’s like a shoujo manga protagonist, at the very least a character from any shoujo thing lol

⚔️ He is actually my comment patrol. After a day or two of posting a video, he checks on the comments I get. let’s just say... sometimes they’re not so good for the other people. :p

Isami and Takumi Aldini:

🍝 Uh they run a cooking channel c: It’s pretty obvious since they attended Totsuki Academy. I’ll just say after the whole rebellion Arc in the manga, graduating came and was almost smooth sailing. They decided to help out at Chef Shinomiya’s at one of the branches in America for the next few years!

🍝 Of course most of their videos are Italian dishes, but with their creative, experimental minds, they make the crappy foods of America they hear about, make it gourmet and healthier, and just much more appealing.

- They helped saved lives o__o Seriously.

🍝  They’re the most popular cooking channel because not only do they live up to their credentials, they’re also flipping handsome and charming (but with the viewers, that applies to just Takumi sometimes).

🍝 I first met them after I was inspired to attempt to cook a dish they’ve already made for my channel milestone! Me and @lovesick-au-lait uhhh... let’s just say survived and the food was edible ^^; Then, i decided to try and cook for something for dinner, and Isami, and eventually Takumi as well, bumped into me when I was trying to look for a good box of pasta.

🍝 Now they sometimes invite me onto their channel to be their taste tester! Our banter knows no bounds.

Finnian:

🎍 Finnian doesn’t have a channel, but he loves to assist with props and preparations!

🎍 He definitely loves being the camera man ^^; though we had a few incidents where he’d break a few (or break things during videos pfft)

🎍 He’s a part of skits and the occasional comic dub because he’s so cute!! He tends to play the best friend role, but then again he’s the best friend that gets some ;D

🎍 There are actually compilation videos of him and his screw ups on camers XD just all of his hilarious moments in general, adding on by the year.

🎍 For the sake of having a more enthralling American experience, he’s my roommate in the house as a condition a part of the study abroad contract.

Armin Arlert, Peter Parker, and Death the Kid:

📑 A very unlikely trio! They run a channel together c: Sure it has its occasional setbacks and whatnot, but in the end, they make things work.

📑 Strict video uploading times; never misses the mark on its precise hour and day. You can think Death the Kid for that ^^;

📑 They run an educational channel ^^ But almost all facts or things you’ve never once thought to be well-informed about, they bring it to the table and make it so intriguing! It certainly is better than the school textbook sometimes c:

📑 Armin and Peter definitely handle the science and mathematical aspects. Death the Kid can do the same when the two aren’t available, but he focuses on History and Literature and the other Arts. Classy.

📑 And of course they take part in my channel too! But they also help me out with vlogs!

💗 Milestones are definitely switched up, one idea for every occasion! It has all of my lovely boys (or however many can show up) being there behind my camera too!

💗 Live streams are sometimes a hilarious mess. Especially some of the comments I’d get, usually pertaining to flattering me or one of my lovely men. Let’s just say, many blunt objects had to be put away to reisst temptation of irreversible consequences lol

💗 Going to cons is also an adventure! But hey with our own expertise areas, it definitely is worth the experience.

💗 It was actually difficult coming together to form a romantic cohort only we could pull off. But with  the help of other youtubers @shiroe-is-my-baby and @self-shipping-angel, it all works out when we’re able to reveal ourselves, with pride c:

💗 Then our videos become popular for another reason: for the multitude of shipping moments.

💗 Youtube has never been this fun and I would want to continue with them for as long as it does!

[queennicoleinboots]

Bears, Eat Your Heart Out! Chrissy, The Baby Girl with Many Glorious Titles Is Trying To Arrive. Apparently, So Is Everyone Else.

Written by: Xara Nahara Campinelli

Proofread, Edited, and Examined Several Times by: Chrissy, The Baby Girl with Many Glorious Titles

Part 1: Prince Oliver: Werewolf of the United Planets Attempts to Address Everyone.

As Megara Ice, Abigail Ice, Kissy, Miss Oreo, and I scurried out of my house, the spaceship from the United Kingdom was making an abrupt landing to the left of the giant spaceship the bears arrived in. A leg of the spaceship from the United Kingdom was touching the wing of the giant spaceship because there was no other place to land. (And even if there were, Mayor Mr. Bill told everyone to land immediately, so they had to land there.)

The large door of the spaceship from the United Kingdom opened dramatically, and a royal red carpet splattered out in front of most of us. A few bears looked puzzled behind the ship as Prince Oliver: Werewolf of the United Planets walked dramatically outside of it and stood to address us.

Kiel the Frog croaked to greet him. Duke and Riley Ice barked five times in unison to greet him. Maxwell Ice had to bark 10 times to match the song Duke and Riley Ice were barking.

"Thank you, great frog and great dogs," Prince Oliver, Werewolf of the United Planets spoke. "And thank you all for letting us land, but with the current announcement, I don't believe you had much choice."

A few bears chuckled.

All of a sudden, a giant man wearing a black, gray, white, and silver spandex suit that was a cross between Captain America and Superman was holding his big house over his head and flying down from the sky. He had a silver "S" across his chest and had a shield with a silver star in a white circle on the back of it. He had red hair, a full beard, green eyes, and muscles. "Ahhhhh.... it's so hard to land anywhere! The fuck is going on?!" the giant man asked in his naturally loud voice as he was still holding his house above his head upon landing.

"Oh I know, Captain Slammer! We were in orbit for ages before Mayor Mr. Bill commanded us to land!" Prince Oliver, Werewolf of the United Planets said dramatically.

Yes. That 12-foot-man was indeed Captain Slammer.

"It's crazy. It's bullshit. My brother, Captain Mechanic is buying land from the guy who owns Chipotle Mexican Grill so I can finally put my house somewhere. This is bullshit. And I DOUBT it's Earth's fault. I just couldn't stay there anymore because it's fucked. It's FUCKED!" Captain Slammer's booming voice naturally shouted.

Captain Slammer is a great superhero. He travels throughout time. He has helped restore balance to the universe. Joebear and I used to read his comics when we were younger. But he has a really loud voice. And it's giving me a headache.

"I'm well aware. Now if you excuse me, I need to address the people," Prince Oliver, Werewolf of the United Planets said.

Several wolf pups yelped inside the United Kingdom spaceship.

"OH WILL YOU BE QUIET!? YOU HAVE BEEN BARKING FOR HOURS! I CAN'T BEAR IT ANY LONGER!" Chrissy, Baby Wolf Mama shouted to her pups in her sharp yet pleasant English voice.

The yelps were silenced.

"THANK YOU!" Chrissy, Baby Wolf Mama said joyfully.

"We have arrived in hopes of finding a better life than we could have ever on the burning rock called Earth," Prince Oliver, Werewolf of the United Planets spoke.

"Yes," Captain Slammer said to affirm Prince Oliver, Werewolf of the United Planets's statement.

The bears, goats, and the wolves inside the ship howled to affirm his statement.

"We wish to bring peace, prosperity, and happiness to everyone. We are working with the reasonable powers that be to make this life workable for all!" Prince Oliver, Werewolf of the United Planets spoke.

The bears, goats, and the wolves inside the ship howled to affirm his statement. Count Vanilla growled nine times while his head was out of his freezer.

"Thank you, Count Vanilla. Your affirmation means more to me than you know," Prince Oliver, Werewolf of the United Planets said.

Count Vanilla growled proudly nine times as he crawled out of the freezer and approached Prince Oliver, Werewolf of the United Planets.

--------------------------------------------------

Part 2: Two bears and two hamsters arrive in a small black spaceship that looked similar to Batman's automobile.

A black small spaceship that looked like the batmobile quickly flew in from space and decided to land on my house. Who the fuck did these people think they were?

A brownish gray female bear, a light orange male bear, and two chestnut giant hamsters crawled out of the batmobile and climbed down off my roof.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" Joebear shouted with a menacing growl.

All four creatures froze and stared at Joebear with eyes that were ready to fall out of their heads.

"Oh my God we're sorry! There is literally no other place to land! Every legal landing spot has been taken!" the orange male bear shouted down in a shaky voice as his periwinkle eyes were hanging onto his skull through their optic nerves. He had goggly googly goofy eyes. My husbear had that effect on other bears some times. "Under any other circumstance, we would never even think about landing on someone's house! We absolutely HAD to land here!"

"All right. What are you doing here?" Joebear asked as he stared at them with his dark brown eyes.

"We are looking for Bruce Balalalalalalalalalas. Crazy last name, I know. It's French for 'banana split made with crack cocaine and vanilla ice cream.' I'm his father, Skipper Balalalalalalalalalas, sort of like from Gilligan's Island when it was still being erected from tectonic plate activity on Earth. I'm THAT OLD... sorry. I'm an interdimensional-" the light orange bear started to say.

The female brownish gray bear growled fiercely with sharp teeth and almost shook my house. She shot eye lasers at Skipper Balalalalalalalalalas.

"Gee! Gloria! I'm getting to the point. Excuse me! Gloria! Those eye lasers are giving me third-degree burns!" Skipper Balalalalalalalalalas said with a growl before he spoke again. "Anyway, Gloria, Johnnio, Kavana, and I came to deliver Bruce's items that he was forced to leave during the Mass Bear Exodus from Earth. It took FOREVER to even get the clearance to be allowed here. Every bear and his brother is coming here. It's a great place to live, apparently. It looks like we're living here, too. I will not get jabbed. Fuck the mansion back home. We left that for the housing association in Logantown, GA, in what used to be the United States of America. Now that place is bought and sold by China. Unbelievable. Don't remind our son about that if you ever meet him. He still believes strongly in the American Dream. Do you know where Logantown in a place formerly known as America is? Excuse my syntax. English is not my native language. We're French. My wife, Gloria has Italian and German in her bear blood, but she has the heart of a true French woman." He continued his descent from our roof to the ground.

"Oh wow. I'm German Italian, too. I knew there was something special about you, Gloria. Bruce Balalalalalalalalalas was telling me about you. And yes, we know where Logantown is. We used to conduct our Secret American, when it was American, Society of Sexually-Frustrated Bears meetings there. But I don't think it's so secret anymore," I answered.

Joebear growled at me.

"Haha! You don't know what secret is, kiddo!" Skipper Balalalalalalalalalas said as he and the other three creatures climbed down from the roof.

Gloria Balalalalalalalalalas narrowed her brownish hazel eyes at her husband. I see where Banana Ice gets his looks and mannerisms from.

"Will you relax, Gloria? I have been feeling the sting from those eyes for over a week straight now. Your eye lasers are starting to permanently damage to my skin. Do you mind?" Skipper Balalalalalalalalalas asked her.

"Absolutely I mind. It didn't help that you made a wrong turn at the planet Alberqueque in the New Milkway galaxy. We would have been here much sooner had you just listened to me," Gloria Balalalalalalalalalas said in her still heavy French accent as she crawled over him to get to the ground first. Then she looked at us. "Excuse the squabbling. I'm quite fed up with this space travel and all of the political 'onsense that led us to these current events. Do you know where our son is? I miss him terribly." She looked like she was going to cry.

"Your son tends to disappear a lot, but the last I heard of him, he was contemplating getting piercings," I said.

"He was? I had no idea," Abigail Ice said.

"Neither did I. That's news to me!" Megara Ice said.

Gloria Balalalalalalalalalas growled fiercely and then cussed in French. "I am so sick of him destroying such a beautiful face like that. It's an insult to me! Ugh. I curse the invention of facial piercings!!!" Gloria Balalalalalalalalalas said loudly in her French accent.

"So do I. Fuck those things," Megara Ice said.

--------------------------------------------------

Part 3: Three large cargo ships carrying items that belonged to the Balalalalalalalalalas family arrived.

Then three large cargo ships landed one in front of the other on top of the large bear spaceship that was as large as the spaceship in the beginning scene of Spaceballs (1987) and Space Odyssey: 2001.

"Oh what the hell?!" Bruce Ice shouted.

"What the hell indeed?! How many interruptions are we going to have before I can finish my address?" Prince Oliver, Werewolf of the United Planets asked.

"Ugh. I'm sorry. I just can't be on that spaceship anymore! I must stretch my legs!" Princess Lindsay Carrington burst out of the spaceship wearing a large red space helmet and a royal red dress. I've never seen that woman walk so fast in my life. I thought she was going to trip over her dress.

"Oh I know! It's dreadful! Where is the latrine? I can't handle the one on the ship. It's absolutely ATROCIOUS!" Prince Carrington asked as he followed Princess Lindsay Carrington and wore a bright purple suit, a green shirt, a lavender tie, black shoes, and a purple space helmet. A wolf pup attached itself to Prince Carrington's shoulder. He walked swiftly in step behind his wife.

"Go into the forest for a quarter mile and take a left on Alberqueque Street," Bruce Ice answered.

Prince and Princess Carrington grumbled a "thank you" as they waddled through the forest. The wolf pup squeaked at Bruce Ice.

The men from the cargo ship flew to the elder Balalalalalalalalalas bears. "Your cargo is on the only place we can land. We will have to unpack when living arrangements are addressed. We hope it's soon," one of them said.

"We're working on it," Skipper Balalalalalalalalalas said.

"Where can we get some water in this joint? I'm thirsty as all get-out. AND IT'S HOT!" the male hamster shouted in a loud New York accent.

"Johnnio, please!" Skipper Balalalalalalalalalas shouted.

--------------------------------------------------

Part 4: The New Bruce Balalalalalalalalalas a.k.a. Banana Ice appears and surprises everyone.

Banana Ice walked out of a random place in the forest with a giant mohawk, seven eyebrow piercings above his right eye, six eyebrow piercings above his left eye, a piercing in each nostril, six piercings on his top lip, seven piercings on his bottom lip, 13 piercings along the side of each ear, a black collar with bright yellow bananas hanging off of it, a black T-shirt with a large banana on it, black cargo pants with several silver chains hanging off of them, a spiked belt, and bright white hightop Converses with a light yellow trim around the bottom of his feet. That bear went through a transformation.

"What the hell, Bruce?" Gloria Balalalalalalalalalas asked as her mouth dropped.

"Indeed! What the fuck, Bruce Bananas?!" Megara Ice shouted.

"Wow! Who knew piercings could be so sexy?!" Abigail Ice asked as her tongue was drooping out of her mouth.

"Hi Mom. I got collared. I transformed to surprise my new wife, Abigail Ice," Banana Ice said as he stood by Abigail Ice. Abigail Ice wrapped her arm around Banana Ice's waist. "She's the daughter of Bruce and Megara Ice and my Domme. She's great. Also, thank you for arriving. With you, Dad, Johnnio, Kavana, Maxwell, my batmobile car (thank you, Dad, for fixing it.), and cargo, I now feel at home."

"What?! You got married, Abigail Ice?! When?! Why wasn't I informed of this?! What the fuck is going on?!" Megara Ice rattled on with the questions.

--------------------------------------------------

Part 5: Female bears growl at each other and find their role in the pack.

Gloria Balalalalalalalalalas walked over to Banana Ice and Abigail Ice and hugged Banana Ice while narrowing her eyes and growling at Abigail Ice. Abigail Ice stepped back and had wide eyes as she stared at Gloria Balalalalalalalalalas. Megara Ice then walked next to Banana Ice and Gloria Balalalalalalalalalas and growled at Gloria Balalalalalalalalalas. Gloria Balalalalalalalalalas growled at Megara Ice.

"Mom. Megara Ice. Please. If I may explain. We eloped. We don't really have the time for a ceremony, given the current political climate and volatile Plague situation, right now. I'll explain more when given the chance," Banana Ice said.

Gloria Balalalalalalalalalas kissed Banana Ice loudly on the cheek. Megara and Abigail Ice growled at Gloria Balalalalalalalalalas. Skipper Balalalalalalalalalas growled at Banana Ice. Banana Ice gulped and stared at his father.

Gloria Balalalalalalalalalas growled loudly at Abigail and Megara Ice before she hugged Banana Ice more tightly and spoke softly to him, "Fair enough, Bruce m'dear. I missed you. But you're more ridiculous than ever. And what the HELL are those shoes? They look like actual bananas," she said.

"I agree with you," Megara Ice said to Gloria Balalalalalalalalalas.

"Merci. At least we can agree with something other than how ridiculous Bruce's piercings are. Why would he do this to such a gorgeous face?" Gloria Balalalalalalalalalas asked as she rubbed his chin.

Megara Ice nodded as she crossed her arms. "It's beyond my comprehension as well," she said.

"Oh these?" Banana Ice said as he smirked and pointed to his shoes. "They're super comfortable. And they're pretty fly, even for a white bear. It only took me a minute to buy them."

Megara Ice then stared daggers at Banana Ice.

"And how long did the piercings take?" Gloria Balalalalalalalalalas asked as she analyzed him.

"Two and a half hours, give or take a minute," Banana Ice answered.

Maxwell Ice rushed over before rolling on the ground and laugh-barking.

"I know this is off topic, but I'm technically Johnnio Ice, and my sister-" Johnnio, the male hamster said with a heavy New York accent.

Kavana, the female hamster who oddly had the same brownish hazel eyes that Banana Ice and Gloria Balalalalalalalalalas had, stared at Johnnio with a snarled upper lip.

"Half-sister, is now Kavana Ice. Am I correct?" Johnnio continued.

"Yes, Johnnio. You are correct," Banana Ice said.

--------------------------------------------------

Part 6: Prince Oliver, Werewolf of the United Planets interjects because he is tired of the interruptions.

Prince Oliver, Werewolf of the United Planets interjected after being interjected umpteen times in this story, "I am glad we are getting to know each other on this planet! It's great that we have such a strong community among ourselves despite all of the bureaucratic nonsense going on with the powers that be. But are there any other characters or anyone else that absolutely HAS to speak before I can get the rest of my crew OFF the ship?!"

"Captain Slammer! I have land available to put our house down on. Everyone! I am Captain Mechanic!" a smaller but even more muscular man with a red beard who wore an obnoxious white cap, a greasy white shirt, blue oil-stained overalls, and yellowish brown large boots shouted in his naturally loud voice. He looked like an Irish version of Bluto from Popeye.

"Thank you," Captain Slammer shouted as he began to fly away with his house.

A brunette lady with a nurse cap had her head sticking out of the window of the house. "Hello everyone. I am Wonder Nurse, and I come in peace. Praise God. Praise Jesus. Thank you, Lord. Hallelujah! Amen!"

Most of us shouted back to her, "Praise God! Praise Jesus! Thank you, Lord. Hallelujah! Amen!" Godiva, Peter W. Parker's mother, bleated to her.

"Nice to meet you," I shouted to Wonder Nurse. But I wanted her to remain more than 10 feet away from me. I still don't trust the medical system or anyone in it. I hope she doesn't float.

"YES YES YES! I'VE BEEN WAITING TO BE IN THIS STORYLINE FOR A YEAR NOW! I'M TIMON FROM COVINGTON GROVE, GEORGIA, THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AS IT IS AMERICAN. I REFUSE TO BE PART OF THIS NEW SYSTEM!" a golden, short grizzly bear with sparkling blue eyes shouted. He even sounded like Nathan Lane from The Lion King, Birdcage, and Mrs. Doubtfire.

The bears growled loudly, clapped, and cheered. Banana Ice's growl was particularly loud.

"PREACH! I WAS BORN A PATRIOT, ALWAYS A PATRIOT! STOP THE FUCKING TYRANNY! THESE GOVERNMENTS ARE PERFORMING TYRANNY!" Banana Ice shouted.

"PREACH!" Bruce Ice shouted. "Fuck the system! Fuck da Police State!"

"Are you for the idea of defunding the police?" a random brown bear asked Bruce Ice.

Bruce Ice shot infrared lasers out of his green eyes and aimed them at the random bear's stomach and lowered the lasered gaze to his crotch. Bruce Ice is not gay. He's just pissed.

The brown bear covered his genitalia instantly with his paws and groaned as he was slipping to the ground. "AWWWWWWW!!! I'll take that as a no...."

"There is a difference between the Po-lice and Police State," Bruce Ice stated as he walked near Prince Oliver, Werewolf of the United Planets and stayed six feet away from him.

"PREACH! PR-" Count Vanilla started to shout.

"PREACH! PREACH! PREACH! PREACH! PREACH! PREACH! PREACH! PREACH!" all other bears except Bruce Ice shouted with Count Vanilla.

"I absolutely agree. There is a stark difference between a police officer and the Police State," Prince Oliver: Werewolf of the United Planet stated. "Now may I please finish my address so that we can all get back to a normal life?"

Count Vanilla's cousin, Blinky, growled in a distinctly loud voice. He didn't growl often, so his growl was raspy. He was a big white bear who had the exact same eyes as Count Vanilla. He even wore the same style glasses. Usually, he communicated with blinks.

"I BEG YOUR PARDON!" Prince Oliver, Werewolf of the United Planets shouted.

"He says there is no going back to normal. He says there is no going back to normal. He says there is no going back to normal. He says there is no going back to normal. He says there is no going back to normal. He says there is no going back to normal. He says there is no going back to normal. He says there is no going back to normal. He says there is no going back to normal," Count Vanilla translated.

"He said all of that in a growl?" Prince Oliver, Werewolf of the United Planets asked.

"Yes. His name is Blinky. Yes. His name is Blinky. Yes. His name is Blinky. Yes. His name is Blinky. Yes. His name is Blinky. Yes. His name is Blinky. Yes. His name is Blinky. Yes. His name is Blinky. Yes. His name is Blinky," Count Vanilla said.

Blinky blinked twice to confirm and then approached the stand with Prince Oliver, Werewolf of the United Planets and Bruce Ice. He remained six feet from them and started to blink rapidly.

Count Vanilla followed Blinky and began to translate what he was saying in bear language. Due to the lack of space on the red carpet, Count Vanilla had to stand three feet apart from Blinky and Prince Oliver, Werewolf of the United Planets. He was definitely growling a lot, and I could tell his voice was getting sore.

Banana Ice blinked three times, threw his paws in the air, sighed, and then flew over to the stand with his new rocket shoes. Banana Ice had to stand three feet apart from Count Vanilla and Prince Oliver, Werewolf of the United Planets. He had to translate in English the translation in Count Vanilla's bear language from Blinky's blinks:

"Okay. There is a huge diversity of people here. That's why we literally need three translators to communicate our message. It's going to take a minute for each sentence to get out. Count Vanilla, please. I'm working on it. Blinky, can you pause? Holy Shit, you look like you're possessed. ARE YOU GOOD?!" Banana Ice began.

"Apparently not," Bruce Ice chimed in.

Blinky blinked rapidly at Bruce Ice. Count Vanilla growled several times.

"Yes. Yes. We're getting on with it! If you guys would just slow the fuck down, the rest of the audience would understand you. Jesus!" Banana Ice said before he cleared his throat.

"Blinky, with all due respect, can you wait a second for the rest of us to speak. It's apparent you have a lot to say. It's very important! Let's save that for another story, please. Chrissy with her ungodly amount of glorious titles is fucking exhausted and would love to get her hungry pups the hell off of my ship!" Prince Oliver, Werewolf of the United Planets said as politely as possible given the circumstances.

Blinky blinked an apology. Count Vanilla growled apologetically nine times. Banana Ice actually repeated "Sorry" nine times.

[aion-rsa]

Marvel’s WandaVision Episode 5: MCU Easter Eggs and Reference Guide

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This article contains WandaVision spoilers through episode 5, possibly beyond, and for the wider MCU.

WandaVision episode 5, “On a Very Special Episode…” took everything we liked about the first two episodes and shook them up. For the first time, we have a fully blended approach to the storytelling, with the episode alternating between the altered “sitcom” reality of Westview, NJ and the actual, current MCU events. And then there’s that multiverse-shattering ending to contend with.

There’s a lot to break down with this week’s WandaVision, so we’d better get to it…

Sitcom Influences

WandaVision took us to the ‘80s this week, with a little Growing Pains, some Family Ties, and maybe a hint of Full House thrown in for good measure. The living room set itself looks very much like the standard seen on shows of the era, specifically Family Ties and Growing Pains.

Family Ties

The aging up of Billy and Tommy is much like Andy Keaton from Family Ties. In season 4, Andy was born and spent the whole season as a baby. As of the beginning of season 5, Andy was suddenly about 5 years old with zero explanation.

Also from Family Ties is the beginning of the opening credits, where it would show someone painting a colorless sketch of the family.

Bettany’s Michael Gross impression was extremely disturbing in how good it was a couple of times.

Growing Pains

Wanda and Vision getting vaguely horny for each other while doing regular domestic stuff is reminiscent of the way the parents would occasionally get it on on Growing Pains and Family Ties.

The sitcom theme lyrics and feel are extremely Growing Pains. And yes, as you might expect, they are very appropriate for these characters.

Here are the full lyrics for you (courtesy of the Disney+ closed caption feature):

“You wander the world with a vision…Of what life could be But then the years come and teach you…To just wait and see Forces may try to pull us apart…But nothing can phase me If you’re in my heart Crossing our fingers Singing a song We’re making it up as we go along Through the highs and lows We’ll be right, we’ll be wrong We’re making it up as we go along And there will be days…We won’t know which way to go But we’ll take it higher…You’re all I desire When the going gets tough…When push comes to shove We’re making it up Cuz we got love we got love we got love We got WandaVision”

Darcy also refers to Vision “playing Father Knows Best,” a callback to the sitcom style of the first episode.

We wrote in more detail about the sitcom influences of WandaVision episode 5 here.

Scarlet Witch

For the first time, we get the names of Wanda’s parents: Irina and Oleg Maximoff, but in the comics they were known as Django and Marya.

Wanda was born in 1989, the same year as Elizabeth Olsen.

We learn here that the “Scarlet Witch” codename has never been used in the MCU

Darcy refers to the anomaly as “the hex” after the hexagonal patterns that were noted in the previous episode. In the comics, Wanda’s powers are often referred to as “hex bolts.” She could also produce “hex spheres” and the town seems to be enveloped in a large one here.

Wanda’s accent, missing since Avengers: Age of Ultron, makes its triumphant return here.

Wanda talking to the kids about how “my brother is far away from here” is technically true: his corpse is…nowhere nearby. Although given how the episode ends, she could very well have been referring to another corner of the multiverse. We’ll get to that soon enough.

SWORD seems to refer to what’s going on as “The Maximoff Anomaly.”

Vision

We now know that Vision’s corpse is physically present in Westview and he isn’t just a manifestation of Wanda’s powers, nor was the horrific image of him glimpsed at the end of episode 3 a hallucination: it was Wanda seeing him as he really is.

Vision is working on a Commodore 64 at Computational Services. This early personal computer was a terrific gaming machine, with graphics and sound that were far better than early home gaming consoles of the era.

Vision apparently had a “living will” about what he didn’t want done with his body in the event of his untimely demise. Think of it like the MCU equivalent of a DNR. No, not a “do not reveal.” The other thing.

House of M

Before Agnes shows up the second time around, Vision is reading a newspaper with the headline, “LOCAL HOMEMAKERS INNOVATING RECIPES.” Moments later, he folds the newspaper in a way so that it only says “HOM.” HOM is short for the big Scarlet Witch comic event House of M.

The Twins

While it’s used as a setup for the twins inexplicably growing up, Wanda and Vision are horrified to find that the babies have simply vanished. In the comics, the first time we really get an idea that something is wrong with the children (as well as Wanda’s mental wellbeing) is when they show us that Billy and Tommy would cease to exist when Wanda wasn’t around.

This episode is the first to really feel like it’s borrowing a lot from Wanda’s most important story: the Dark Scarlet Witch story from Avengers West Coast. In that book, the first clue that something was wrong with Wanda was how the twins would disappear when she wasn’t looking a them. This would often happen when Agatha Harkness (presumably Agnes here) was babysitting for them. And later, Wanda’s personality started to shift towards full villainy and she was very cavalier about the use of her powers, something we start to see in this episode. 

For most of the episode, the twins are dressed in red and green. This more than a nod to their parents’ favored color schemes, but it appears to mirror the colors they adopt when they grow up to be superheroes themselves. William becomes the hex-wielding Wiccan, who favors red, while Tommy favors green (like his Uncle Pietro) as Speed.

Sparky

Poor Sparky. Good boy.

The name “Sparky” is a reference to Tom King and Gabriel Hernandez Walta’s brilliant Vision story, in which Vision and his “family” (not the Maximoffs) move to the suburbs and try to live a “normal” life. Part of that includes a synthezoid canine named “Sparky.” He didn’t meet a good end there, either. Stop letting dogs die in our stories, you monsters! It’s too sad.

Lagos

This week’s commercial is for Lagos Brand Paper Towels, with the catchy slogan of:  “For when you make a mess you didn’t mean to.”

This references the opening scenes of Captain America: Civil War, when Wanda used her powers to stop Crossbones from detonating a bomb in a crowded marketplace. While she reduced the number of casualties overall, a number of innocent civilians still died when he exploded. It’s the first indication that Wanda’s grief and trauma in Westview are driven by far more than just the loss of her lover.

The Lagos ad is also another reference to the Infinity Stones. Previously, we’ve had the toaster (Power), the watch (Time) and the Tesseract-shaped bath powder (Space). Here, we have a red liquid spill in a sly nod to the Aether (Reality). Only the Mind and Soul stones to go – which means two more commercials.

X-Men

These are definitely not the only X-Men references in the episode (of course), but we’ll get to that big one down below…

The scene of Wanda confronting SWORD agents looks to be directly inspired by the scene in the first X-Men movie where the police try to take down Magneto. Much like Wanda, he uses his powers on their guns, causing them to be aimed at the cops themselves before escaping. Considering the payoff to this episode and Magneto’s role as Wanda and Pietro’s sometimes-father in the comics (not to mention Pietro’s definite father in the X-Men movies), this was more than likely set up. 

Vision says he was reading Charles Darwin’s “The Descent of Man” to one of the twins, a book that deals with evolution. (David Bowie voice) “Gotta make way for the homo superior!”

The Twilight Zone

Serious Twilight Zone “It’s a Good Life” vibes in the episode throughout, particularly when Agnes is visibly weirded out by Wanda with her “take it from the top” moment (unless she’s deliberately screwing with everyone), and the mailman telling the twins “your mom won’t let [Sparky] get far.”

Also, while we’re on the subject of The Twilight Zone, Agnes appears to live at the corner of Maple St. and Sherwood Drive. “The Monsters are due on Maple Street” is a notoriously paranoid unpacking of suburban paranoia.

Westview

The opening credits feature a “Greetings From Westview, NJ” postcard in a pretty common format, but one made most famous on the cover of Bruce Springsteen’s “Greetings From Asbury Park” album.

We wrote more about Westview in general here.

“For the Children

Vision points out that there are “no other children in Westview,” which calls to mind the creepy “for the children” chant from back in episode 2. 

Captain Marvel

Darcy draws the connection between how both Wanda and Carol Danvers got their powers via an Infinity Stone. Similarly, they acknowledge Wanda almost took out Thanos in Avengers: Endgame but that this feels outside the scope of her powers. Still, the fact that both Wanda and Carol stood up to Thanos isn’t something that’s being glossed over in the MCU.

Note Monica’s reaction when the name “Captain Marvel” is said isn’t exactly what you’d call enthusiastic.

Monica Rambeau

Monica’s test results coming back blank seem pretty significant. Is this a signifier that her molecular structure has changed, whether from the blip or passing through the hex barrier? Are we witnessing Monica’s superheroic origin story in slow motion?

Who is the Villain of WandaVision, anyway?

Despite the implications from the end of episode 4, Wanda isn’t completely in control of what’s going on. At various points in the episode she seems to be manipulating everything, but at others seems to be completely immersed in this reality. 

But if she doesn’t remember how this all started, that sets up a potential villain reveal (or more than one) down the road.

What’s up with Agnes?

Agnes is complicit but was disturbed by Wanda’s ability to “resurrect” so how much can she really know? Unless, of course, she’s just “acting” this way to continue with her cover.

On the other hand, Agnes “helping out with the kids” is kind of in line with our Agatha Harkness theory for the character.

Reed Richards?

Monica mentions that she has a particular “aerospace engineer” in mind to call for help. Based on all the other subtle Fantastic Four clues that were in the fourth episode, could this individual be Reed Richards?

If they aren’t taking that big a swing, it could be Adam Bernard Brashear, known as “The Blue Marvel,” another prominent Marvel scientist, and one who has led the 616 version of the Ultimates with Monica on the team.

Evan Peters is Pietro

“She recast Pietro?”

Yes, you are indeed seeing Evan Peters returning as Pietro Maximoff/Quicksilver here. This is (at least until it’s revealed that the MCU Wanda and Pietro were indeed mutants whose powers were merely “activated” by Strucker’s experiments) now officially the first appearance of a mutant/member of the X-Men in the MCU. Peters, of course, played Pietro in three films,X-Men: Days of Future Past, X-Men: Apocalypse, and Dark Phoenix. While Aaron Taylor-Johnson played Pietro in Avengers: Age of Ultron, Peters played him in Days of Future Past, and he was generally more warmly-received by fans.

And does this indeed mean that Pietro is alive again, albeit in “recast” form? Or is Wanda so powerful that she ripped open a hole in the multiverse itself in order for her brother to “make a guest appearance” in Westview? This could very well be the first indication of what’s to come in Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness and the possibly Spiderverse-y Spider-Man 3.

Unless…what if this isn’t Pietro at all? What if it’s someone manipulative merely taking the form of Pietro to mess with Wanda even further?

Also, Pietro’s “bad boy” appearance very much feels like it fits with the Family Ties aesthetic. His “New York tough guy” look and persona is much like Nick, Mallory’s idiot boyfriend.  Coincidentally, Nick also starred in an episode of the show where he got a dog and it died soon after from an accident.

We wrote much more about the shocking WandaVision episode 5 ending here.

We Are Kind of OK With the ’80s

Jazzercise was indeed a real thing, god help us.

For those of you thinking the internet was a whatever a reverse anachronism is, we made the same mistake too. But it turns out it has been around in some form since the 1960s, when the Advance Research Projects Agency (precursor to today’s US government mad science agency, DARPA) networked a few computers and sent messages back and forth. 

Unanswered Questions

Dennis the Mailman is back from episode 1. His little aside to the kids is an indicator that he is vaguely aware of what’s really going on. Not necessarily in a sinister way, but a reminder that the people of Westview aren’t really enjoying this.

One of the camera feeds we see is from Satellite 348. Avengers #348 had a Vision-centric cover and story.

Is there a significance to the stuffed animal on the chair at the beginning? I thought maybe it was a stuffed Bova or something, but I think it’s just a bunny.

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Spot anything we missed? Let us know in the comments!

The post Marvel’s WandaVision Episode 5: MCU Easter Eggs and Reference Guide appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3pZW8jy

[petertheparkers]

the “morning after”

Prompt: Reader is Tony Stark’s daughter and has a party, but ends up ditching with Peter. They end up at his apartment where they talk and dance, but when the reader wakes up on the morning Peter is gone and the Reader is forced to try and make her way home with out being seen by paparazzi

Requested by: n/a

Warnings: implications of sex, mentions of alcohol

Word count: 2,084

Notes: Peter isn’t really in this, but I thought the idea was cute so I ran with it. Also, this is my first published work on this side blog, but if you guys like it and want to see more, request some stuff! I will write all MCU characters, as I haven’t really seen the shows and wouldn’t be able to do them justice. But anyways, kudos to you if you actually read this little mini-rant and enjoy this fic ! 

Sunlight peaking through the windows warmed your skin, and as you slowly forced your eyes to open you pressed the heel of your hand to your forehead in a futile attempt to suppress the slight hangover you had. You pulled the sheets closer to yourself, but the sudden realization that the bed you were in was way to small to be yours, you shot up.

Thoughts about ditching one of your infamous parties with Peter Parker the night before and walking to his apartment flashed in your mind, and you smiled at the memory of dancing with him—even if you was slightly inebriated. Being Tony Stark's daughter, you were expected to have a reputation to be a party animal—which was not your style. So, when you saw Peter standing by himself at your party, you ended up leaving to go to his apartment where you listened to music and attempted dancing. Attempted being the key word.

Glancing around you, you noticed you were the only one in the room, but a glass of water with a note attached caught your eye on the desk across the room. Climbing out of bed—and blushing lightly you saw you were in Peter's shirt and boxers still—you picked up the water and read the note.

(Y/n), sorry I had to leave so early, but I promised Ned I'd go to the comic book store with him right when it opened. You probably are hungover, so I got you some water and there's aspirin in my desk drawer. When you leave, try to avoid my Aunt May, because I don't really want her thinking we did stuff. -Peter

You smiled at how sweet he was. He was probably the kindest person you knew, and you were on a first name basis with Captain America.

You followed Peter's instructions, downing the water and digging through this desk drawers until you found the small bottle. You weren't surprised to find pieces of old technology littering every surface possible, as Peter was extremely smart. Like, Tony Stark level smart.

Then you ran into a problem.

You were going to have to make the walk of shame home—despite having done nothing but dance and talk with Peter.

You couldn't wear your clothes from the party home, as the paparazzi would notice and question it. But you also couldn't walk back in Peter's clothes, no matter how comfortable they were.

"(Y/f/n)!" You hissed to yourself under your breath, suddenly remembering your best friend lived a few floors up in the same building.

Peeking your head out of Peter's door, and seeing that the coast was clear, you darted towards the door, your party clothes in hand and still wearing Peter's. You let out a breathe of relief as you were able to make it out of the apartment without being seen. You weren't wearing shoes as you really didn't want to slip on your heels, so your footsteps were quieter than usual.

You made it up two flights of stairs—not risking running into anyone on the elevator. You approached (Y/f/n)'s doorstep, before reaching out of knock, and quickly pulling your hand back. If (Y/f/n)'s parents saw you on their doorstep looking like the way you did, they would call Tony, and you really didn't want to stress your dad out anymore than he already was. Instead, you unlocked your phone, clicking on (Y/f/n)'s contact and tapped your foot impatiently while waiting for her to answer.

"Hello?" (Y/f/n)'s groggily asked after a few rings.

"(Y/f/n)! I need you to sneak me in. I'm outside your apartment—"

"Why are you at my apartment?" (Y/f/n)'s sounded more awake, but you didn't hear any shuffling on her line to indicate she was coming to get you. "Besides, I'm at your place. Why aren't you here?"

"What? Why are you at my house?" You asked, befuddled with your friends response.

"I asked you first?" Her statement came out more as a question, as both of you were utterly confused with the situation. More questions were being asked than answers given.

"Fine, I spent the night at Peter's, and I kind of need a change of clothes before going home." You grimaced at your words, it sounded like you slept with Peter.

"What!?" (Y/f/n) screamed, causing you to pull the phone away from your face slightly and wince. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, we ditched the party last night and just hung out at his place, nothing happened, I swear." You glanced over your shoulder, praying to whatever was up there that no one would walk out into the hall while you were standing there. "So why are you at my place?"

"I kicked everyone out at like, three, and was too tired to go home so I crashed on the couch. I thought you were upstairs."  (Y/f/n) confessed. "My parents aren't home, they went to Jersey for the weekend to visit my crazy aunt, so they can't let you in."

"Can you just hurry up and get here? Bring me clothes to change into, please." You pleaded, getting nervous while (Y/f/n) sounded laid back and relaxed.

"You can't just hang out in the hallway, someone is bound to walk out and see you." You shifted the phone between your hands, contemplating your choices.

"Fine. Do you know which apartment is Peter's?" You sighed out, seeing that as your only other option at the moment.

"Yeah, want me to meet you there?" (Y/f/n) assumed the plan, and you affirmed it, hanging up soon after.

With your nerves wracking twice as much before, you made your way back down the stairs. Once on Peter's floor again, you passed an elderly woman, who paid you no mind. Quickly, you ducked back inside Peter's apartment.

"Well, you're new." An unfamiliar voice spoke up, causing you to jump and let out a shriek. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. It's just that Peter never brings any girls around and—is that his shirt?" A middle aged woman with long, beautiful, brown hair started talking as you stood in shock. She was in the kitchen, a box of doughnuts and a coffee mug placed before her.

"Uh, yeah, it is..." You trailed off, not really sure what to say. "You must be Aunt May?" The woman laughed, leaning against the table. She was relaxed, and you were anything but.

"Yeah, I don't know why, but all of Peter's friends call me that." She smiled warmly, and you felt some of your nerves wear off. She was almost as sweet as her nephew, and only half as awkward. "You're (Y/n) Stark, right?" You nodded once to confirm it, and Aunt May gestured towards the empty chair across from her at the table. You tentatively stepped forward, placing your party clothes on the ground next to the chair and slipped in. "I thought I recognized you from the news." You pursed your lips, not really knowing what to say. "Would you like a doughnut? Some juice?"

"Uh, yes please." You suddenly realized just how hungry you were.

"Is orange juice okay?" Aunt May asked, glancing over her shoulder as she reached into the refrigerator. You hummed out a response, thanking her for her kindness. She placed the full glass in front you, and set the doughnut on a napkin down.

"Thank you so much, Mrs. Parker." You tried to act calm by taking a bite, but you were freaking out on the inside—you were coming off as so awkward.

"Oh, it's not problem, honey. And please, call me May." She insisted. You nodded, taking a sip of your drink to avoid having to think of something to say. "So are you dating Peter?"

You nearly spit out your drink.

"What? No, no. We're just friends." You spluttered, choking on your juice.

"Really?" You nodded again, cheeks flushed with a deep red blush. "Out of curiosity, what are you doing in Peter's clothes?"

"Oh, um. I had a party last night, and then Peter and I were talking, and we decided to ditch and come here. We didn't do anything, if that's what you're implying. Peter just let me borrow some clothes, since I didn't want to walk home at two in morning. When I woke up this morning, Peter was gone and left a note saying he went out with Ned and I could let myself out." You paused your story to take a sip of your juice, which by now was half empty. "I obviously couldn't walk home because it would look like I was making the walk of shame, so I called my friend and she's on her way here with some of my clothes." You finished, taking another bite of your doughnut as May took in your story. The sound of keys clanging grabbed their attention, as both of their heads shot towards the door.

"Aunt May, I'm home!" Peter called out as he walked in the door, Ned close behind him. His gaze landed on (Y/n)! , still clad in his clothes, sitting on the stool with his aunt and shock quickly registered on his face. "(Y/n)! Wh-What are you doing here?"

"That's what she was just telling me." May offered, shooting Peter a slightly annoyed look. You could tell she couldn't stay mad at Peter for long, though.

"Hey Peter, Ned." You waved awkwardly, pulling a knee up to your chest to rest your head on.

"This is not what it looks like." Peter deadpanned, shrugged his bag off his shoulders and stepping closer to the kitchen.

"We'll talk about it later." May spoke through gritted teeth, and you felt a pang of guilt course through you. You didn't want to be the reason Peter got in trouble, not after he was so sweet to you while she was tipsy.

"I'm leaving when (Y/f/n) gets here, she's bringing me extra clothes." You explained to the boys.

" (Y/f/n)'s coming?" Ned immediately asked, and a smile found it's way onto your face. You could tell Ned harbored a massive crush on your friend. You nodded, but a buzz emitting from your phone grabbed your attention. You picked up the device to see a text from Pepper Potts, asking where you were.

"Oh, oh my god."

"What?" Peter asked, becoming immediately concerned with your sudden change of mood.

"I forgot I was supposed to go with Pepper Potts to gala a tonight to help explain my father's work, but it's in London so I'm supposed to be on a plane in an hour." You groaned, picking up clothes and shoes off the ground before walking up to Peter and placing a quick kiss on his cheek as a thank you and waving to May and Ned as you stopped at the door. "See you guys Monday, I'll just bring you your clothes then." You stepped into the hallway, thankful to see (Y/f/n) stepping off the elevator. Upon seeing your friend, you rushed into the elevator, pulling her close behind.

"Are you going to explain yourself or what?" (Y/f/n) immediately questioned as the doors shut and you began pulling on the clothes she had brought for you.

"Literally nothing, we just got bored at the party and came here. I told you this." You shoved Peter's clothes in the bag, tugging on your heels from the night before. (Y/f/n) rolled her eyes, a faint smirk evident on her face.

"Well, what'd you do once you got here?" You sighed, running your hands through your hair in a futile attempt to smooth it out.

"Again, literally nothing. We listened to music and talked, that's it." You gave your friend a stern look, who held her hands up in surrender. "I've got to get to the airport, so I'll see you Monday." You offered no explanation as to why you had to be at the airport, before stepping out of the elevator and to the sidewalk, hailing a cab.

Before the driver pulled away, you glanced once more at the apartment building, smiling to yourself at the memory of what had happened the night before. Without thinking, you pulled your phone out of your pocket, quickly pulling up a new message.

Thanks for letting me sleep over, Parker.