#as a result i ended up being more closed off because of my own insecurities when in reality I knew that I didnt show love the way that is

[earthtooz]

how would you write wriothesley needing reassurance?

x : TO LOVE A GOOD THING :*+ﾟ

in which: wriothesley thinks he loves you more than you love him.

warnings: 1.4k words, reverse hurt/comfort with angst, wrio being insecure sorry, gn!hot-headed!reader, reader gets into a fight, wrio patches you up.

a/n: thank u @sixosix for helping me out during my my hard times. this fic was already half written before I got this ask but then it was like the stars aligned and anon came to save a fic that might have never made it out of the drafts. anyways, idk if the writing is good, but i came, i saw, i conquered. enjoy!

Wriothesley thinks he loves you more than you love him.

If he voiced these thoughts to you, you’d shut him down without another breath. He can almost picture it now, the way your nose would scrunch as a precursor to all the statements you will make rejecting his. He can hear all the things you’d say, insisting ‘that’s just not true!’, and then he’ll laugh to cover up the way his chest will swell with pure adoration. 

But it is true. 

Loving you is easier than breathing. The heart that sits in his chest beats harder for you than the circulation of oxygen in his lungs, but he breathes because it keeps him alive. If he’s alive, then he gets to see you, the best thing that’s happened to him his entire, unfortunate life. 

He thinks he loves you more than you love him because you once told him your favourite flowers were glaze lilies. However, when you complained that they only bloomed during the night, Wriothesley knew that he would wrestle the sun just so the moon could shine a little longer. 

He thinks he loves you more than you love him because you linger in the crevices of his mind. Down in the Fortress of Meropide, the days may pass excruciatingly slow sometimes and the only cure for him is yearning for the one he loves most. Perhaps if he wishes hard enough, you’ll burst through those doors with a declaration of a new discovery and sit on his desk, avoiding the paperwork. 

Most times, his wishful thinking doesn’t work out. On the rare occasion it does, Wriothesley will be fortunate enough to end the work day with your palms on his cheeks, gently motivating him to finish what’s left. 

You’ll peel stickers off his body, ignorant of the fact that he saves them up just for an excuse to feel your hands on him, then he’ll kiss you in thanks, eyes fluttering closed. Near you, he can finally let his guard down, let the gauntlets and coat fall as he sinks into you. 

Wriothesley already feels bad whenever you come down to a place so unforgiving and confronting. He tries to brighten up the place sometimes, but metal can only shine so much before it rusts again. 

Is it pathetic to want to better yourself for another person? Or is it love?

Wriothesley thinks he loves you more than you love him, and he’s perfectly fine to continue living with that fact. As long as he’s the one you return to every night, he’ll be fine to live with whatever burdens you press onto him.

He just didn’t expect that one of said ‘burdens’ would result with you, Sigewinne’s infirmary, and your face littered with cuts and bruises. 

“You should have seen the other guy,” is your poor attempt at humour as your lover frets everywhere, pacing back and forth as the small nurse tends to you. His heavy boots resounding against metal floors.

“Seriously, Y/n, what were you thinking?” The warden clearly isn’t amused by your joke, the only thing keeping him back from completely lecturing you is Sigewinne and that stun gun of hers. 

A small yelp slips past your lips when she applies some balm on your sore knuckles and Wriothesley winces, as if feeling your pain. “They were talking bad about you, Wriothesley, what did you want me to do?”

“Nothing!”

Sigewinne gives him a look. He immediately shuts his mouth. “I can’t do that,” you insist.

“You can, and you should’ve. I can defend my own honour. Besides, you didn’t need to lower yourself to the level of crooks just to prove a point.”

“But-”

“-The guys you beat up were just admitted here. Normally after receiving a life’s sentence, the first name that’s slandered is mine as an outlet for anger. This is normal, Y/n, they’ll continue on to realise that the Fortress of Meropide is not their standard prison and reform. You, however, might have just set back their progress.”

Your head drops, a little in shame, but mostly because you don’t have anything to say in retaliation. Silence envelops the dim space, none of you brave enough to break the tension that came from Wriothesley’s scolding. With a few final words from Sigewinne about what medicine to apply, when, and what not to do, she leaves the room quite hurriedly, as if eager to let you and Wriothesley talk about it alone.

Immediately, he crosses the room to where you sit, closing in on your personal space. 

“The things they were saying about you were unforgivable. Meropide’s great duke may forgive, but I won’t.” 

“Nothing is as unforgivable as you getting hurt.” Care laces his voice this time when he talks to you. 

“You won’t throw me in prison for this, right?” You ask with a bashful smile, one that sends him reeling.

“Not prison, no,” he coughs. “However, I can’t not reprimand you.”

“Fine. I guess this just means that I love you more.”

He knows you’re kidding, that you’re only trying to make him feel better because the grin on your face is nothing short of mischievous. Part of him falters, cracks like an earthquake splitting the land apart and pulling him under. To stabilise himself, his rough palms find purchase on both sides of your jaw and his forehead is pressed flushed to yours.

(You don’t love him more, how can you love someone as ragged as him?)

“Impossible,” he murmurs against your mouth. 

“Really, let these bruises be a reminder,” you chuckle. His thumb ghosts over a bruise on your cheek and his heart aches at the way you wince, even if just slightly. If it weren’t for him, you wouldn’t be here, sat on a hospital bed with wounds he inadvertently caused.

You wouldn’t be here, in a dingy, dreary Fortress that you’re only obligated to visit because of him.

(Oh, but he hopes you never leave. The day you go and never come back is the day Wriothesley will turn all of Teyvat upside down just to search for you. Where is his place if not by your side?)

There’s a warm poke to his cheek that’s quickly followed by a damp residual. Wriothesley quickly realises that you wiped a tear away, and he curses the following few that spill. You shouldn’t waste your efforts on him: a man half-coherent, and wholly undeserving of you.

“Love, oh, love,” he whispers, pressing a kiss to the bruised area. “Why did you do this?” 

“I already told you,” you hum. “Because I love you.”

“I’m not worth it.”

Your hand stills. “What do you mean by that?”

“This happened because of me,” there’s pain in Wriothesley’s voice when it cracks. “You didn’t need to harm yourself for me, I’m more of a burden than you think, Y/n, nothing good will come out of loving me too much.”

For a second, everything stills. The beating of his heart, your breathing, the dull humming of the fortress’ mechanics, it all becomes silenced. The world only kicks up again when you speak.

“How could you say that about yourself?” You reprimand, shaking his face lightly. “A ‘burden’? Are you hearing yourself right now, Wriothesley? You’re not making any sense right now!”

There’s a passionate look in your eyes. One he doesn’t think a man like him deserves.

“I do not love you for ‘good things’ to come out of them, I love you because you are the good thing, and I will do anything for you to remain the way you are.”

Oh, he might cry again. Are there tears in the corners of his eyes? How can he help it when you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him?

“Don’t write me off as some poor soul whose subjected to your love,” you whisper, but he hangs on to every word you say. “Your love is not a burden I bear, but rather, the most fortunate thing I’ve ever had the luxury of cherishing.”

Unable to hold himself back any longer, Wriothesley presses his lips to yours in an all-consuming kiss. He drinks up all of your praise and lets it settle in his gut to bloom, untethering himself from the chains that rubbed his wrists raw. You love him, you love him more than he thought possible. 

How lucky he is that you pull him closer, selfishly taking all of him.

© EARTHTOOZ 2023, do not steal, translate, repost my fics and do not recommend my fics onto any other site.

[strwbrryeyes]

☼ bye ☼ (oikawa tooru x reader)

⟡ cw: she/her pronouns used, angst, break up, getting back together at end, idk im still bad at these, lmk if i miss anything else

⟡ a/n: i have my own interpretation of this song so it doesn't really follow the meaning behind it? idk but i still like it (even if i did write it poorly) but bear with me this song didn't have a lot to work with despite it being very catchy also rip a good third of this was just iwa #iwa4life

⟡ eternal sunshine masterlist

You and Oikawa had been dating since your third year of high school so about 4 years now and to say you had a wonderful yet disastrous relationship was an understatement. He was the perfect boyfriend, attentive, loving, caring, admirable- anything that comes to mind. Oikawa Tooru was picture perfect and so were you. At least 99% of the time. That 1% that was not perfect was whenever you would feel insecure or jealous of the girls that would constantly throw themselves at him. It’s a silly thing really, he did choose you over everyone else after all so you didn’t think you had anything to worry about and Oikawa thought so too so he never really reassured you and tried to take those insecurities away from you. Anytime you brought up how uncomfortable you felt with how touchy his fans were with him he would shrug it off and tell you to pay no mind to it but never actually address how you felt about it all.

There were countless times where you would lie awake at night thinking about if you were really just overreacting or if you were actually valid in the fear of losing Oikawa’s interest over time as he gains more fame and as more girls fall for him. You even confided in two of your best friends, Matsukawa and Hanamaki, and sure they were also best friends with Oikawa but over the last few years they have not been that close to Oikawa considering how much he traveled for volleyball, regardless though, they remained as neutral as they could. The pair of boys would reassure you and say that it’s just the result of the spotlight Oikawa has had on him since the beginning of high school. This reasoning made you feel better and you would shrug it off for as long as your mind would let you. It was a constant cycle and you were as used to it as you could be until one day when Iwaizumi knocked some sense into you.

☼ ⋆。𖦹˚⋆

“Listen [name], as much as I cherish shittykawa as my best friend, I also cherish you just as much.” Iwaizumi says with a worried expression on his face as he slows down his pace as you two were on your weekly jog and after you didn’t respond for a few seconds, he stopped jogging all together and grabbed your wrist to make you face him. “Break up with him.” Iwaizumi said with all seriousness in his tone.

You had just told him about your most recent fangirl incident where a fangirl asked for a picture with Oikawa where he would kiss her cheek, this wasn’t an unusual request that was asked of him but that didn’t make you feel any better every time it happened even if you did simply roll your eyes at it and just shrugged it off every time. This time was different though. As Oikawa was going in for the kiss on the cheek, the girl turned her head so that their lips would collide. Of course the girl faked a panicked apology and said she wasn’t ready and just turned to ask him a question and of course Oikawa said it was okay in an all too calm manner causing the girl to give you a smug look when Oikawa turned around to tend to another fan. At that point though, you didn’t even bother bringing it up to Oikawa because you thought he would just dismiss it as usual.

“I was expecting you to find some way to defend him to be honest… I was kind of hoping you would actually…” you sigh as you sit down at a nearby bench with Iwaizumi sitting down next to you.

“Why would I defend him?”

You sigh while burying your face in your hands “I don’t know? Because you guys have been friends since you were childr-” “We’ve been friends for ages, [name]” Iwaizumi interrupts you “All three of us met each other at the same time back in grade school. Just because I’ve spent more time with Oikawa doesn’t mean I don’t care for you both equally and because I care for you two idiots so much…I think it is best for both of you to end things.” he continued as he forced you to face him once again.

“But Haji…he’s all I’ve known. Even before we started dating in our last year of high school… it has always been Tooru.” Your words begin to wobble as you feel a few tears fall down your face.

“Which is exactly why you guys need to at least take a break,” Iwaizumi begins as he wipes away a few tears. “You need time for yourself, to figure out what you want out of this relationship or any relationship. Hell, to figure out what you want for yourself, [name]. For the last few years you’ve been following Oikawa around while he plays volleyball and not once have I seen you be passionate about your own interests. You’ve made your life revolve around him ever since we graduated high school.” Iwaizumi’s tone starts to harden causing you to slowly stop crying “As for Oikawa, he just needs to get his head out of his ass and realize that there are other people in the world besides himself.” Iwaizumi finishes before standing up and holding out his hand to help you up that you accepted. And with that, you knew what you had to do.

☼ ⋆。𖦹˚⋆

“Welcome back, darling!” Oikawa greets you with a kiss on the forehead as you walk into your shared apartment. “How was your jog with Iwa? What did you guys gossip about this time~” Oikawa wiggles his eyebrows as he waits for your response since he knew you both would always talk shit about people.

As you walked to the couch without saying a word, Oikawa followed you assuming you were tired and just wanted to sit down and catch your breath first but that assumption didn’t last long when you turned to look at him with a serious expression making him confused

“We need to break up, Tooru.” you finally say, causing all the  color drain from his face.

“What do you mean we need to break up? I thought everything was going great?” Oikawa sputters out while desperately grabbing your hand.

“Everything is great but there are just some things we need to think about if we want to continue with this relationship…” You start off before explaining all the things that have been troubling you along with the talk you had with Iwaizumi.

After a long talk that lasted hours and that included a lot of emotions, you and Oikawa came to an agreement to end things and to better yourselves- you with your confidence and insecurities and individuality and him with his consideration for other people and how he handles boundaries he and other people set. You also both talked about the possibility of maybe trying a relationship with each other  if you both still had love for each other later down the line.

With all that said and done, Iwaizumi came and helped you pack your things right after the break up just so neither you or Oikawa would back out of it and by afternoon the next day, you were moved out of the apartment you had known for the last few years and moved in with Hanamaki and Matsukawa who were more than glad to give you their spare room.

You were now excited to start a new part of life even if it would take a while to get over the grief of the relationship and even if it did take a while to stop crying every night because all you wanted to do was call Oikawa. You knew better than that though. This was the best decision or the both of you.

☼ ⋆。𖦹˚⋆

Two years later, Oikawa’s fame in the volleyball community skyrocketed and he was doing what he loved and always dreamed of, while you were the happiest you’d been in what seems forever.

The last two years have taught you both a lot about yourselves and allowed the two of you to grow as people. You have grown more confident with yourself and have picked up new hobbies and have gained passion for a few things that you plan to turn into a full fledged career and you were excited for what more the future holds for you. As for Oikawa, he has become less self-focused and has set proper boundaries with his fangirls and even other people, overall has just gotten better at maintaining his relationships with his friends, family, and whoever else mattered to him. Except you.

You and Oikawa haven’t spoken to each other in a year and half but that doesn’t mean you guys didn’t think about each other all the time. Oikawa has never left your mind and you have never left his. Admiring each other from afar, you both have grown very proud of the person the other has become. You both have gotten so proud of each other that it's gotten to the point where it’s so bad that Iwaizumi, Makki, and Mattsun have to force you and Oikawa into the same room to finally talk and catch up so they wouldn’t be forced to listen to your praises for one another every time one of you so much as blinked.

So that’s how you ended up stuck in Iwaizumi’s room with the door blocked on the other side so neither you or Oikawa could escape.

“We’re not letting you out until you kiss!” Makki shouts from outside the room earning a smack on the head from Iwaizumi.

“Ignore him and just talk.” Mattsun says with a giggle before walking away with Makki leaving only Iwaizumo to guard the door.

After a few minutes of awkward silence, you finally gathered the courage to sit next to Oikawa who was sitting on the floor on the other side of the room. He watched you as you fiddled with your hands before grabbing them into their own as to calm you down since he always knew that was a sign of you being anxious. And in that moment, you hugged him like you were never letting him go and of course, he hugged you back with the same amount of love and care before you both started happy crying.

After a few more moments of emotional silence, you pulled away from each other and talked about everything you’ve been wanting to talk about for the last year and a half and it was like you never left each other’s side.

“I missed you, Tooru.”

“I missed you too, angel.”

Finally, after all this time, you both had talked things out and decided to try things out again. You loved Oikawa and Oikawa loved you and you would and will do everything you can to never be apart from each other ever again.

[yesimwriting]

could maybe possibly do a blurb of farleigh being protective of bestfriend!reader like maybe someone was talking shit about her and before felix can even defend her farleighs beating him to it? idk if that makes sense but i love love LOVE your fics you’re SO GOOD at writing felix

this is the kind of thing farleigh would do by accident while drunk and then the reality of the situation would hit him so hard he'd decide to be sober for at least a week 😭

sidenote this was sooo fun to write omg

"Okay so it's--" Lacy (or Lizzie, or maybe even Lyla, Farleigh lost the girl's name at some point between between round 3 and 5) giggles as she squints at the tab. "It's--if we want to do an even split..."

She had been so happy to race to the bar when Felix first brought up leaving and continuing the night elsewhere. As if being the one to physically pick up the tab and hand over cash and cards to the clearly irritated bartender would cement her place, would make her a part of the night's inner workings.

The desperation had been so apparent that when Farleigh nudged your arm, you immediately whispered a sharp, "Stop it." You only react that strongly when you're already fighting for your life to keep your halo shiny.

"Hey." You extend the single syllable, voice hinting at a tipsiness that could explain your boldness. You're not exactly shy, but you tend to let the main group do as they please, content to do whatever as long as Felix is by your side. It's nauseating, but reliable.

"Do you mind if..." You trail off, lifting a hand to gesture towards the receipt. Lacy blinks, giving you a look that Farleigh's gotten used to. A subdued, jealous disdain.

Your ignorance would be endearing if this was some made for TV romcom. But it's not, so even though Farleigh knows that you mean your end of night comments that reek of insecurity because the new girls never like you, he'll still poke fun of you for it.

You let go of Felix's arm, walking forward until you're close enough to Lacy to read over her shoulder. You glance at the receipt, and then at the group. In less than a minute, you're announcing, "47 each."

Farleigh has been around you long enough to no longer be surprised. Tipsy division loses its shock value after awhile, and if Farleigh knows you well enough to no longer think twice about it, Felix definitely has no reason to be impressed. That doesn't stop Felix from beaming at you, expression truly lovesick. It's sweet enough to make Farleigh's stomach ache.

"A genius," Felix breathes, extending his arm as far as he can without falling off his stool, "My girl's a genius."

You try to glare, but there's too much softness in the look. "Am not." A response that could technically apply to the 'my girl' part as much as the 'genius' part. There's a hopeful beat in which the girls that aren't used to competing with you for Felix's attention seem to be waiting for a clarification that never comes.

Farleigh's lingering nausea is slightly alleviated by Lacy's pout. She must think that the praise and Felix's undivided attention should be hers. That they would be, if it wasn't for your interference. The thought feels laughable. Felix would have just as easily paid off the entire tab to avoid a frustrating debate. He isn't complimenting the solution, he's complementing you.

Felix pulls your hand towards you, pressing a kiss against your knuckles. "Next round's to you."

What's left of Lacy's mask of indifference crumbles. She glares briefly before remembering her place.

"Next round's somewhere else." You manage the correction through a soft giggle. "You wanted to go, remember?"

Felix blinks twice before nodding. Farleigh has a feeling that Felix's quick concession is more a result of his cousin's faith in you than his own memory. "Yeah, we're going..."

"To Austen's place, I think." Felix tugs on your arm, his attention more focused on squeezing your hand between both of his than actually figuring out what he's moving the group for. "It's closer to campus, he promised you weed."

Felix nods again, this time the motion a little more assured. He pulls on your arm gently. You laugh. "Lex."

"What?" The question is a halfhearted attempt at feigning innocence. Felix's free hand finds your other forearm. "Come here."

"Wait." Despite your protests, you do nothing to escape his grasp. "I have to--I have to go to the bathroom before we leave."

Felix frowns. Farleigh resists the urge to roll his eyes. "Y'want me to go with you? Show you where it is?"

"I'm okay," you mumble, voice sweet and slow as honey, "Stay here, figure out the cash thing. I'll be right back." Carefully, you untangle yourself from Felix's hold. "You have my purse, right?"

Felix lifts the small bag off his lap, a genuine hint of pride coloring his expression. The two of you get more unbearable by the day. "You need it?"

"No, but you can take out my wallet so no one has to wait for me to get back."

Okay, Farleigh actually has to roll his eyes at that. It's a routine that you insist on, trying to pay even though it's clear that Felix would rather you not even attempt to touch a wallet. That's what makes the least sense about you, Felix lets you get away with not giving him what he wants.

"It'll be settled by the time you get back."

Your eyes narrow at his wording. "That doesn't sound like--"

"Lovie, go before we leave you here."

An empty threat. Felix would sooner lose the group than abandon you for a second. You roll your eyes, but seem to accept defeat. "You're impossible."

Farleigh smiles to himself before you can disappear into the crowd, "Kept woman, are we?"

You flip him off without looking back. The joke is typical. The topic would be cruel if you couldn't afford to keep up, but you're from enough money to sustain your own nightlife. You're not from a wealth that equals the Cattons, but the father you're always hesitant to mention works in finance. Farleigh doesn't have the details, but it's clear that you're comfortable enough to not need Felix's charity. Unlike Oliver.

"Was it just me or was that '47' a little...?"

To Lacy's credit, she's smart enough to realize that openly insulting you would only alienate Felix, so instead of embracing the clumsiness of her friend's comment, she brushes a strand of hair off her shoulder. "She's nice," she hums, "A little loud, but nice."

"Loud as in her voice or what she's wearing?"

Vultures picking at bones, too ravenous to consider tact. They'll attack whatever they can think of in an attempt to cope with the fact that you're the one with Felix wrapped around your finger. Farleigh knows that's all it is, and yet it digs at him.

Your outfits, your uncertainty in certain social situations. Those are all fair shots, fair comments for Farleigh to make.

"Clara," Lacy mumbles, an attempt at virtue signaling.

"No," the patience in Felix's voice seems to drain them of their good humor, "Answer the question. Explain what you meant."

Lacy laughs once, the sound awkward and strained. Her uncertainty is oddly gratifying. "Oh, nothing, really." She tilts her head, eyes innocent yet alluring as she stares at Felix. "She's sweet, really Felix, I like her. She's darling." The last sentence is said the same way one would to describe a puppy. "But she--she's not like us." Lacy takes a step forward. "C'mon Felix, you know what I mean."

"No, I don't."

"Lacy means," Farleigh's own voice surprises him, "That she's the kind of girl you actually go home with, and Lacy isn't."

Wow. Okay, technically true because you do go home with Felix, it just--accuracy feels like the least important part of what just came out of his mouth. Farleigh can't tell who's more shocked--Lacy and her gaping friend, Felix, or himself. Did he--did he just defend you of all people?

He blinks. You, the voice of reason that's always willing to point out when gossip crosses the line between catty and cruel, who maintains a 4.0 without trying, who paints their nails bright colors, who scrapbooks. That's who Farleigh stood up for?

This could be the rockbottom alcoholics always talk about.

"Lizzie," her friend begins sharply, "I think our--our friend's waving us over."

With that, Lizzie-not-Lacy and her friend abandon their places by the bar in favor of the anonymity of the center of the bar. Farleigh's too distracted by self disgust to note their expressions.

Felix steps towards him awkwardly, eyes unable to meet his. "That was--uh, good of you, mate."

Farleigh lets Felix's praise have its usual affects for a brief moment, embracing the warmth as Felix throws an arm around his shoulders. Then, reality hits Farleigh all over again. One word about this, and you'll be making him a friendship bracelet. "If you tell her about this, I'm telling her about how you didn't shut up about her all of Christmas break."

----

taglist; @vader-is-hot @spiritofbuddha @getosangie @freyafriggafrey @ilovehyperfixating @aryiannarae @willowpains @ker0senebunny

[professorcalculusstanaccount]

"when strangers mistake me for his father i don't correct them" just break my goddamn heart why don't you. i love this and the rest of your art so so SO much and i'm dying to hear more of your thoughts on tintin and haddock's father-son/chaotic uncle-nephew dynamic, because it's one thing i wish had been developed further in canon, especially with tintin's move to marlinspike hall

Haddock and Tintin invented the found family trope! Their dynamic means so much to me, while my post canon series seems to be about Tintin and Chang's relationship it's actually more about Tintin and Haddock's found family bond and how it changes as Tintin grows older.

My thoughts on their dynamic are under the cut. It's Fathers' Day in the UK this Sunday, so happy Fathers' Day!

Haddock had a terrible childhood and has low self esteem, but values his ability as a sailor. Even that is shaken when his crew mutinies and kidnaps a teenager. As a result Haddock feels an enormous sense of guilt and responsibility for Tintin

He looks up to Tintin a lot, he inspires Haddock to always strive to be better!

He doesn't understand what Tintin sees in him but Tintin's positivity easily outshines any doubts about their friendship. Tintin brings that childlike wonder Haddock missed out on in his own childhood. Haddock goes out of his way to do stuff with Tintin he never got to do with his father, like going to the theatre or trips to the seaside.

Initially Tintin tolerates Haddock, but he proves himself with his sailing prowess in The Shooting Star. While Tintin is brave and proactive he's very introverted and closed off from people, having gained dangerous enemies at such a young age.

At first he's not used to having someone look out for him but grows to deeply appreciate Haddock. A colleague at work said Haddock is like that one middle aged guy you befriend at a job you got as a teenager and you become ride or die with through trauma bonding and I think he's exactly right!

Even though he's his best friend Tintin still keeps him at a distance. Haddock doesn't know his legal name or anything about his past. Tintin rarely opens up about personal problems out of fear of worrying him.

As Haddock has pinned so much of his self worth on Tintin, in my post canon series Haddock is forced to re-examine his friendship with him.

Haddock gets into a secret romantic relationship with Ramo Nash and gets some well earned down time from adventures, taking up painting as a hobby. It's the first time he's had time to find himself outside of being Tintin's adventuring companion, and realises he may have to make the painful decision between his best friend or staying true to himself. It's a decision he knew he had to make for a long time.

Haddock invites Chang to live in Marlinspike during his year as an exchange student in hopes he'll keep Tintin out of trouble. When Chang ends up joining in on the adventures instead Haddock is taken aback by how competent he is, and how seemingly effortlessly he is able to keep up with Tintin. Watching a younger fitter person does bring up some insecurities in him, but he later appreciates that this means he could sometimes take a break and let Chang go get shot at instead!

Tintin's tendency to keep his personal problems to himself drives a rift between them as he desperately tries to navigate coming to terms with being gay. Even though homosexuality was legal in Belgium at the time there's still a stigma, and Haddock and Tintin are terrified of losing each other's respect.

When Haddock finds out Tintin is also gay he is overjoyed, he vows to look out and to always be a safe haven for him. He grew up in fear and in the closet, so is determined to be the father figure he never had himself.

Haddock is very supportive of Tintin and Chang, but as Tintin grows closer to Chang and spends more time with him Haddock can't help but feel a little insecure. It's normal for parental figures to feel that way.

As Haddock grows older and less physically able to travel, Tintin worries if his deteriorating health is his fault. Haddock makes sure to nip this fear in the bud, and lets him know how proud he is of what they were able to do. As Haddock settles into retirement with Ramo, Tintin and Chang visit frequently to help take care of them.

Haddock never officially adopts Tintin despite everything, just in case the Haddock family curse still persists. Also "Tintin Haddock" is an absolutely awful sounding name.

Neither Haddock or Tintin can stand spiders. They get Nestor or Calculus to deal with that

imagine All of Tintin's Father Figures in a group chat in a modern AU, Haddock, Calculus, Skut, Mr Wang, Ramo Nash... The Council of Dads (Castafiore is in it too, she counts)

[abyssalzones]

C-PTSD as a diagnosis makes so much sense for Ford because he really does fit almost all of the criteria, ESPECIALLY if you take the stuff in J3 into account in conjunction with his traumatic childhood (bullying, bad dad, etc.). It just makes sense in regards to his motivations and his issues with interpersonal relationships (like with Stan). Also buring yourself in your work (like he does) is a very common 'flight' coping mechanism to trauma in adults

I'm smiling like this right now

ford's whole.... mental health deal is extremely interesting to examine because Oh my god this man is the textbook image for "reacting to ongoing, continuous trauma". intentional or otherwise (I'm inclined to believe it's both).

like. okay hang on I'm about to get very in depth with it

I feel like there's no way this entire guy's life and in some ways his lasting identity haven't been defined by and constructed around various forms of trauma, maybe the most obvious and true-to-canon-intent being peer abuse/bullying from childhood. a lot of people downplay the impact of this type of abuse but it's... responsible for a lot of social ills in shocking ways. (if you're more interested in this topic here is an article my friend mer linked me a while back, it gets into it very deeply)

(a lot of this is going to be sourced from the wikipedia page for CPTSD [and my own experience Living with it] which I realize isn't very professional of me but Whatever this is tumblr)

one of the core tenets of ford's personality is that he's Different. he owns it, sure- his six fingers become a point of pride rather than something to be ashamed of- but they make it extremely clear that from a young age he associated being different with being a social pariah. ford's generation was characterized by notoriously cruel bullying, and anything that remotely made you stand out rendered you a target. ford could've been bullied for being nerdy and jewish (and failing to perform socially, ie dating) alone, having such an obvious mutation definitely was not winning him any points.

so it's honestly no surprise, when from childhood ford feels like he has One person in the world to trust and confide in, that he would go on to form very unhealthy attachment patterns typical of CPTSD. as you elaborated on regarding AvPD (which I know far less about but seems to have comorbidity with CPTSD): if you're hard-wired to believe socializing with others results in failure or betrayal, then you're not going to make an effort. but what does end up happening is that you're going to pour all of your trust and dependency into one person at a time, one person who is "safe".

previously, that was his brother. and it's not really hard to draw the conclusion from there that fiddleford was a subject of ford's attachment style, considering he was his One friend from college, and... one of Maybe two people ford is friends with at all who he isn't related to. he cites him as the only person he can possibly trust to work on the portal project alongside him, and he still can't bring himself to tell him the full truth, because he's terrified of losing him. I love their dynamic (I do think they were mutual best friends, and there was no small amount of trust reciprocated between them. "fiddleford was weird as hell too" is something I keep coming back to) and I don't think it's built on entirely unhealthy terms, but that kind of pressure is... setting things up to crash and burn.

enter bill stage left. back to "continuous yearning to be liked and accepted"- this guy knew that and made every effort to prey on ford's insecurities to reel him in as close as possible. this is what really pisses me off about the idea that bill was just "inflating ford's ego", because it's way, way more insidious than that. throughout the entirety of journal 3 we see ford reintroduce someone to his life he has a very positive relationship with (fiddleford) and how that trust gets gradually broken down by bill's influence "winning out" over their friendship. I think it's safe to say ford was already vulnerable: from the start, he'd been isolated in his research for six years (and it's unclear for how long he'd known bill by 1982), and bill proved time and time again to be someone who wouldn't judge him, someone who would praise him for his hard work, and perhaps most critically, make him feel like being different was something special.

like that's... that's really not good!!!! and that kind of thing works wonders on someone who has already settled with the idea that they're inclined to be alone just by design.

trying to put a cap on this. in relationships like the one he's had with his brother or fiddleford it doesn't even necessarily have to be ""toxic"" (vague term anyway) or outwardly bad to be built on unhealthy attachment patterns, and considering for a good chunk of ford's life his attachment to others can be characterized as "I can only trust ONE person at a time" it feels essential to any discussion of his CPTSD or canon trust issues. That is something that happens a lot in Real cases of CPTSD (hi) and only further snowballs into More trauma by leaving you vulnerable to manipulation and abuse (see: bill.)

I've been going on for way too long now and I feel like I've only scratched the surface of the thing I wanted to elaborate on sorry. that post traumatic stress disorder can complex

[foxykatie425]

Alright, time for me to give my thoughts on the results of this poll I put up last week. Long, drawn out, over-explained post ahead!

86.9% of voters think that Merrin would win if she and Cal had faced off in a 1v1 on Dathomir in JFO.

I am gonna go ahead and… disagree. HEAR ME OUT!

Y’all know I love my girl Merrin. She is wonderful and amazing and very very powerful.

But Cal is a JEDI!

I think because we see so much of them in Star Wars, we tend to forget just how powerful Jedi are. We’ve seen Jedi that are more powerful than Cal, but he’s still slicing through stormtroopers like butter!

Neither Merrin nor Cal is any kind of pushover, and it would for sure be very very close.

One thing to remember about Merrin is that while she is a very powerful Nightsister and implied to be above average for her age, she’s still very young, and was very young when her sisters died. Anything she’s learned since then she’s had to teach herself. (One could say the same about Cal, I suppose, but he at least now has Cere to help guide him.) When Malicos says to Merrin, “This power is beyond your control,” he says it with the intention of making her angry, which he does succeed at, but he also may not have been entirely wrong. Note that when Cal leaves Dathomir after making an alliance with Merrin, the undead Nightsisters are still attacking him on the way out.

(Side note: she doesn’t get to raise the dead in this hypothetical boss fight, that is no longer a 1v1! Plus, she already tried that and it didn’t work!)

Merrin, at least when we first meet her in JFO, has always struck me as someone who’s trying to present herself as something she’s not. She’s got something to prove: that she is capable of avenging her lost sisters. But she’s haunted by the fact that there was nothing she could do to save them, because she was, and is, so young. Malicos uses her insecurity about her lack of experience to gaslight her for his own selfish desires, and in her desperation to prove him wrong, her magick is unfocused and uncontrolled. And at the end of the day, despite her desire for revenge, she’s not a cold-blooded killer.

My point is that in terms of power and skill, Call and Merrin are probably pretty evenly matched.

Another thing to consider is timing. Admittedly now we’re getting into my own vision and maybe things would play out different if you put this fight earlier in the story, but if we’re to assume this boss fight with Merrin takes place in the same time frame as the Malicos boss fight, either in addition to or in place of it, we’ve got Cal at his strongest emotional point in the game. He has just made peace with everything that happened to him. Merrin, on the other hand, has just had everything she thought she believed in come crashing down around her. And if we’re at the point where she’s still attacking Cal, she’s not thinking straight. There is no legitimate reason left for her to be angry at Cal specifically, she’s just angry. She hasn’t cooled down from “You both shall learn!” And to be fair, from her perspective, if Malicos used her and lied to her, why should Cal be any different?

In this scenario, Merrin has got to be at a point of hopelessness. She may no longer be certain that the Jedi killed her people, but she feels like her anger and desire for revenge is all she has left, and she will get her revenge or die trying. And (possible trigger warning) now that she’s uncertain that her anger at the Jedi is justified, there probably is a part of her that almost hopes she dies trying. Because even if she did kill Cal, then what? Then she really has nothing left!

Why go after Cal instead of Malicos? Well for starters, that fight she definitely wouldn’t win, because the only way she and Cal were ever going to be able to defeat him was together. And I think rather than being afraid that Malicos would kill her, she’s more afraid that he wouldn’t kill her and that he would force her to continue serving his selfish desires. (Side note, there’s a possible headcanon in the subtext there that I really, really don’t wanna entertain… my poor girl has been through enough!)

I think in the end, a lack of focus and lack of confidence in her own motivation would be Merrin’s downfall. In a way, it’s somewhat reminiscent of Obi Wan vs Anakin. Anakin was more powerful than Obi Wan, but Obi Wan was more focused and more precise. Anakin’s lack of focus caused him to make a bad judgement call (ignoring the high ground) and Obi Wan quickly took advantage of it.

So let’s write some fanfiction real quick!

The way I see a fight between Cal and Merrin playing out at this point in JFO, they would be somewhat evenly matched, and at a moment when Merrin has the upper hand she would hesitate, because she’s unsure if she really does want this, unsure if she really should want this, and as stated before, she’s not a heartless murderer. Perhaps, even, seeing Cal at her mercy might remind her of herself as a child at the mercy of the monster who killed her family. (A Reva moment, if you will.)

Now one could argue whether or not Cal could’ve held her off at this moment had she not had this crisis of conscience, but regardless, she would hesitate just long enough for Cal to take the upper hand and checkmate her. But he wouldn’t kill her. He doesn’t want to kill her. He knows how misguided her anger is, and even if he can’t get through to her, he doesn’t believe she deserves to die. The victory condition for Cal is simply to get the Astrium and escape with his life. Perhaps he might have killed her to reach that goal if he had to, but it would’ve been a hollow victory.

In this moment, pinned beneath Cal’s saber, Merrin reverts back to the little girl she was on the day of the massacre. She is scared, and not ready to die, but she no longer has the strength or will to fight back.

Everything freezes for a moment, and then Cal slowly lowers his lightsaber. She opens her eyes and looks into his as he turns the blade off and steps back. He walks past her into the tomb, leaving her alone, in shock as she thinks about everything that just happened.

So I think there are a few reasons this didn’t actually happen in the game. First of all, a Merrin boss fight followed almost immediately by a Malicos boss fight would’ve been too much. But more importantly, for it to have an emotional impact would’ve required more character development for Merrin earlier in the game that there just wasn’t time for because at the end of the day, JFO is Cal’s story, not Merrin’s. Cool as Merrin was in the first game, what really made her character interesting is the dynamic she forms with Cal, and to try to develop that dynamic earlier would’ve required more cutscenes at a point when the player is not yet invested enough in Cal as a character to really care that much, and all those cutscenes would do is interrupt the gameplay that people came for. I think if the story of JFO were being told in a different medium that didn’t rely so much on action, such a book or *cough cough* a stage production perhaps, this subplot would fit in a little better.

Okay fine, maybe this is all just my vision for what I’d want a Fallen Order musical to look like! I’m telling you, IT COULD WORK!! 😂

So to recap, I think Cal would win in a 1v1 with Merrin (at least in the first game), I think Merrin in the first game is more bark than bite, and I think underneath the hard exterior she’s a sweet broken baby bird and I wanna give her a hug! 🥺🫶

Besides, if we did actually have this boss fight, video game rules dictate that Cal would have to win eventually! 😉

[moonsickcafe]

I’m not gonna lie, I just don’t see what people are hating about Artrem’s characterization in the second anniversary. I thought it was pretty true to form.

My only real beef is that it felt shorter and off theme compared to the other 3 cards which is a huge shame and feels gross considering it’s such a momentous canon card.

BUT

Artem in the 2nd anniversary doesn’t feel super out of character.

He’s putting off engagement because he feels paralyzed by the act of telling Rosa what he feels/wants because he doesn’t know how to convey his feelings or propose in a way that matches his own expectations.

He’s being distant and aloof as a result, and Rosa is doing what she does best and hyper analyzing his behavior with wrong conclusions (that reflect more on outward situations than internal, since Artem still isn’t great at being open up about that stuff unlike Vyn who knows how to communicate well but withholds as a concerted choice, for example).

All of his background cards see him bobbing and weaving not just how Neil and his parents have affected him in front of Rosa, but also when Rosa or anyone else hurts his feelings/comes to a wrong conclusion about him/his intentions, with fleeting exceptions.

Master of deflecting further questions or the topic at hand with (mostly work) segues.

He’s still being cheered on and brought to reality by his work big sis Celestine, who is so invested in Artem and Rosa that she views it as a cherry on top to see them engaged after her wedding. Which is so lovely. And very in character for her—she loves to see the fruits of her labor happen front and center and now she can hold this memory close not just in regards to her wedding but in regards to Artem and Rosa, who she cherishes. Especially Artem! (Also the fact that Mr. Rodriguez is so on board….busy body power couple)

This in particular is where I feel people are just beefing to beef. Celestine has ALWAYS meddled. And this feels very in character for her to guide Artem where he needs to go in a way she likes. She does it in almost every card she’s in!

And he is still struggling with his abandonment issues from Neil being gone and his parents not being around as much. He feels SO hard for Rosa and in a moment of high emotion and still a bit tipsy off alcohol he makes possessive comments which is also not out of character.

To me, it’s Artem feeling comfortable and going to the next step physically (and emotionally) by REALLY admitting that he’s insecure and his fears are manifesting as possessiveness ie YEARNING for Rosa and for more with her. He feels secure with Rosa. And he fears losing her just like he’s lost others. And he wants it to feel real. He doesn’t want to lose her to a case (Neil) or a career (his mother and father) or anything else!

He wants to feel like it isn’t a dream. He wants it to be solid, fully grounded in reality, in a way a lot of his personal relationships never get to be. No one could know about NXX and the full extent of his relationship with Neil (or the other members). He actively hid who his mother is and by extension who he is to her. Despite his relationships with Celestine and Rosa, he feels leagues away from his co-workers at large.

He wants people to KNOW that he has a truly personal relationship. He doesn’t want to for others or himself to see a large distance between himself and Rosa—like they’re strangers attached by business (like others in his life have been). Rosa is his partner, in all senses of the word.

Not just that, but it’s been a full year since Artem and Rosa started dating. In what world is it out of character for them to be familiar with intimacy. I kept seeing a lot of people saying Artem was too sexual and all he did was hold her and kiss her which he’s done……a lot, probably. They’ve been dating a year by now! The ending implies what we see is something they’ve done before but Artem would like to go farther. And Rosa is all for that but has never heard him say that before now! Because the repressed guy has been giving her repression.

Is the expectation truly that Artem’s first time making out and feeling up Rosa is this card? For real?

I have no idea what future cards will bring and I’m not interested in knowing until I can pull them in Global, but personally it feels like frustration toward future events is bleeding onto this card. Because what was presented does not feel disconnected from Artem’s side story, cards, or characterization as a whole.

There was just less time allowed to expand on what was presented which I agree is not ideal or even acceptable, especially for the 2nd anniversary. It should have been on par with the 1st in that regard, full stop.

But acting like this card pulled away from his established characterization in other cards in a huge way feels disingenuous. It did not! It was just rushed which I HATE SO MUCH. Like Rosa and Artem felt like they had the least time actually interacting within these 2nd anni cards!

And among these 2nd anni cards a big theme was family. Artem’s parents are certainly not dead so their exclusion from this proposal warranted at least some form of explanation. ESPECIALLY since his mother is someone Rosa knows and thinks fondly of and it certainly would have been interesting to see Celestine and Artem’s mother interact together.

His card lacked time to explore what he was feeling and cohesion to the 2nd anni theme, for sure. Which is really sad considering he is one of my favorite NXX guys. Like there are criticisms for sure but mine are more toward the structure of the card

[halfbakedspuds]

Thanks to @illarian-rambling for the tag!

OC interaction tag

Rules: take the OC description of the person who tagged you and provide a description of one of your own, then write how they would interact.

Katie's OC: Djek Kagura is a young man (19 in the first book, 23 in the second two) with a shifty appearance, red eyes, and a constant squint due to poor vision. He grew up on the streets after his parents tossed him out to cut down on mouths to feed, only to later join the brutal Tunnel Wasp smuggling gang, which he later split from due to his aversion to violence and need to do what's right. As a person, he's always quick with a joke or snide comment, loves sarcasm, and lies like a fish breathes water. His bad habit is that he loves to annoy people on purpose. At his core is a deep sense of self-loathing and abandonment issues, but he covers these with humor. He tends to try to find peaceful solutions to situations and has a bit of a bleeding heart, even if he pretends to be tough. His friends mean the world to him and he's loyal to the point getting himself hurt in fights he can't win. Also, he's surprisingly in touch with people's emotions and always trys to make them feel better, even he does it with a bad joke or by irritating them to action. He has a weak form of sorcery, specializes in shadow magic, and has incorrigibly sticky fingers.

My OC: Anastasia Retvenko is a young woman. Although people tend to think she's only in her mid teens for some reason, she's actually 22. She has light skin that has begun to tan and ash-blonde hair, and has an almost cat-like manner about her, with eyes that betray an intellect she tries quite hard to hide. She's an orphan from Rostov's satellite territory of Ulyensk, and never knew her parents. When she turned eleven, she was shipped off to a factory to make parts for war machines for little more than peanuts and water as payment, and after witnessing her best friend lose her arm to a misfiring machine and the callousness of their Rostovan overseers regarding the matter, she ran away and ended up fighting in an uprising. When the Rostovans responded to their little rebellion by gassing the entire city and killing everything within five miles of the city limits, she threw down her rifle and fled overseas, vowing to never touch a firearm of any kind again. Anastasia tends to not really speak that much, and that's often misconstrued as her being the stoic, quiet type. In reality, she's the exact opposite and just struggles with the common language, preferring to listen over trying to articulate/express herself. In her native Rostovan, though, she's been described as 'a fucking street preacher of running commentary' by her countrymen, and although it might take her a while to warm up to someone, if she starts trying to drive you up the walls with her jibes and jests, it means she sees you as a close friend. She also tries to hide her insecurity- both from appearing to be an ethnic Rostovan in a country that has as little love for them as she does and from being the only person on her team without magic- and trauma behind a smile, and puts on a willfully over-positive mask to make things seem more bearable. She values money and food because she knows what it's like to go without either, but she'd also put aside everything for her friends, and works tirelessly behind the scenes to help care for the one person she's ever seen fit to call her brother. She's also been known to punch way above her own weight class simply because she saw someone getting harassed (and most of her many, many scars are from situations like this)

How they'd interact: Anastasia's first reaction to Djek would be utter shock because she's never seen a non-human before, however I do think she has the discipline to not immediately throw a knife at him as a result. She'd watch him for a little while, then determine that he's friendly before approaching to satisfy her curiosity. His sarcasm and snideness might catch her off guard in the beginning, although I think overall she wouldn't really mind unless he found reason to call her a Rostovan (At which point he'd find his face slammed against the nearest wall and her gone, signalling an end to the conversation). She's quite prone to jokes herself, so the pair might manage to bond over that or simply become nuisance squared for everyone around them. They would likely also bond over having had to live on the street at some point in their lives. Djek's habit of befriending the toughest person around would likely extend to her if he ever learns what it was like to grow up in one of Rostov's colonies or if he ever got to watch her square up to a powerful mage as if her weak, vanilla human biology wasn't a mere stray thought away from being pulped. Djek might find her ability to seemingly vanish into thin air a bit unnerving, although whether he'd be terrified of her or just have his curiosity piqued if he were to learn that she has no magic to do what she does is something I can't say. By the end of their interaction, I wouldn't be surprised if she'd offered to get him something to eat simply because she'd gotten a craving for bunny-chow or spatlo and would've felt bad not buying him something as well.

Open tag for whomever wants it (I really should just set up a tag list some time, hey)

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

the greatest - a close reading

AAAAFRGHGGHGH!!!!!! FAITH IN THE FUTURE!!!!!!!!! i just spent three days soaking up these lyrics, and i am just so fucking excited to finally get these analyses on paper and out into the world, black on white hehe. i’m so fucking blown away by the body of work louis’s put out, and the world he’s created, once again, with his lyrics. the unit these songs form is honestly incredible - with every song sounding so different, and telling its own story, while being so connected to each other? it’s a mosaic of a mind. and if you know me, you know i completely lose it over parallels, so you can imagine how this album has hit me ksjhfkjsrhf

if you’re reading this, thank you so much. it really means a lot <3 and keep an eye out for the others, bc they’re on their way!!

ALRIGHT LET’S GO

faith in the future, track 1

LYRIC ANALYSIS

Tell you I’m on my way Nothing could make me late Said I had a plan for us Time it came and changed it all

immediately: central themes on the album are introduced

louis is there for the ones he loves

time - change

"tell you": promise made - he's reliable, takes on the responsibilities that come with relationships

"plan" // "master plan", silver tongues // "25 and it's all planned", jly

We had to disappear Cos nothing gets through here Through that circle round my heart Where the best of me should start

we had to hide our true selves, we had to go in the closet

<> we had to disappear bc my heart hardened, bc of everything that happened i blocked us/love out

i know i'm at my best when i follow my heart - i know that now (lots of the content on walls) - hard on himself for being so guarded

I said you know me Alone we’re only Just as good as the rest

Together we’re the greatest We’ll never be that cold again No falling all to pieces We’re the greatest It’s you and me until the end Life for us is never over

when we come together, our love creates something that surpasses what anyone else is doing, and is better than what any of us might try alone. why should i close off my heart, when that destroys everything that’s great?

cold = alone // "when it gets cold", all this time = darkness = pain

"until the end" // silver tongues // end of the day

The way you know something Your face reminded me Of a love you cannot hide But don’t need to tell me why

when you know, you know

// “it was there i saw it in your eyes”, home

you can't hide your love, but you have to anyway > don't need to tell him why, he knows that story like none other

Back dancing in the dark Back to the very start Finding pieces that can fit Making up for what we missed

// "shadow dances", only the brave

no more falling to pieces, now we're focusing on rebuilding, finding a life that actually works - working to make the relationship as great as it is

"making up for what we missed" - lost time // "it’s not how you spend the time, it’s if you waste it", all this time // too young

I said you know me Alone we’re only Just as good as the rest

Together we’re the greatest We’ll never be that cold again No falling all to pieces We’re the greatest It’s you and me until the end Time for us is never over

letting go of that focus on lost time: looking forward, to all the time we still have left

SYNTHESIS

With The Greatest, Louis has made his statement of intent (as he liked to say of Kill My Mind): we’re the fucking best, but only if we stick together. If we let down our walls and keep them down. He told us on his last album how he’s worked to let his walls crumble down, and on Faith in the Future it’s obvious he still actively has to keep it that way, and that it isn’t always easy. He’s also not always easy on himself - as he discusses in Holding on to Heartache - but with this opening track he wants to shout through those doubts and insecurities and make a stand. This is a fact, because I’ve spoken it into reality. I’ll keep reminding you just as I’ll keep reminding myself. (Which is a sentiment that forms a very thick, secure line through the album.)

Doubts and fears of Louis’s include time, lost time, and the changes that are a result of that. He definitely discusses the pain and loss that can come with change on the album, but here he shakes it off and focuses on what’s to come. We have faith in the future, and to really make that true, we need to believe we have time, a life ahead of us. No matter what happened in the past, including deep grief, like having to hide your love.

I think it’s incredibly powerful he has those lines in his opening track. A loud, clear mention of hidden love, of an unspoken secret kept between those who just know what this is about. Queer signalling at its finest.

The Greatest encompasses so many of the key themes on the album, making it the perfect introduction. Life and love is yours for the taking, but you need to put in the work. You can’t give up. We need to keep going. No matter how much pain there is, how much darkness. No matter how everything keeps changing, and you sometimes lose your way. We’ll use that change in our advantage, we’ll see time as time we still have, instead of something we’ve lost. It’s all about perspective. Oh, yeah, and perhaps the most important part: you can’t do it by yourself. It’s you and me until the end. We can fucking do this.

[ctheathy]

Rio Ranger Fluff Alphabet 3/4

Rio Ranger x Reader

Fluff Alphabet Letter OPQRSTU

Author’s note: Currently getting back into my work~ I have a lot in store for this a$$hole. Let the trauma begin >=}

Potential ⚠️TWs⚠️ :

Rio pushes his dreams onto you • Apathetic characteristics

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

He is absolutely terrible when it comes to expressing himself, but it's most definitely visible to those around him and closer to him. Safalin, especially. It's more obvious to the other players rather than his own self. He'll find himself wanting to stay close to you by will despite the current situation. It doesn't matter where you are, what time it is or who died, he wants to stick close to you. The participants also happen to catch him staring at you from across the room at times, he happens to be much less harsh with you and you'll notice him making exceptions for you.

He'll noticeably grow less snarky towards those around him when you just so happen to be around, honestly making the other participants stick close to you for comfort [which ends up biting them in the a$$ due to his boiling jealousy]. He is like a love sick puppy, just wanting to be in the same room as you while being in a better mood for the rest of the day because you simply just exist.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

This can go two ways, but I think this happens to be a simple matter of time. At first, he'll feel slightly embarrassed for being in a relationship with a human while he literally berates them all the time for the sake of fun and entertainment. He'll keep quiet and nobody will likely know about it at all, even if it's more than obvious. He doesn't want it to be directly ‘confirmed’ due to his own inner problems, it making him feel even more weak than he already is. But he tends to warm up.

As soon as your support helps him recover from his inferiority complex, including his many insecurities; he'll grow more much more comfortable than he was beforehand. As soon as he gets the help to work on himself, he'll feel a whole lot less pressure among the relationship and has no problem openly speaking about your true bond either. In fact, he'd likely even grow a bit too excited over the relationship you two have with one another. He literally doesn't shut up and he'll grow to love talking about you. You always manage to find your way into every conversation and he'll keep on babbling until you forcefully drag him off.

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

His status as the third floormaster can definitely be beneficial for your safety and emotional wellbeing. If you were ever to be mistreated by one of the other participants, they'll be humbled by Ranger real quick. They already fear him like no other, so they'll keep their hands off you for the prevention for a fate worse than death for sure. But the fact you've managed to tame him to a certain degree also result in a sense of awe and respect from the others that they normally wouldn't show.

His perfect physical body lacking flaws and such could certainly cause slight insecurity on your part, but I can see Rio being very strict yet still understanding among the appearance part. He is insecure himself, but he also thinks you should adore your human body until the end, something he just couldn't have ... If you were to struggle with acne, scarring, birth or stretch marks, etc; instead of ridiculing you for it, he'd offer you up to do your skincare with you as a regular activity to help you feel better. He'll hype you up to show off your scars and marks to its fullest all while being supportive of you.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

This absolute manchild is the least person you should expect to behave romantic all the time. Each and every activity needs to have an entertaining swing to it to prevent his boredom. Rio will at most make small gestures that could be considered loving and hopefully make it clear that he does in fact love you. For example, Ranger would mainly use sticky notes to leave around your room because he has no idea how to word his sentences properly. He'd write down small compliments or habits of yours he likes and then just stick em on your door. Other small things he'd do is create more expressive face cards that usually includes hearts emotives and such, which he'll only use around you.

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

This is a rather difficult topic regarding Ranger. He definitely wants to help you in any case scenario imaginable, but he tends to oblige his own hopes and dreams onto you at times. Due to your status as a human and the fact that he views you as much more tenacious than him or the other dolls, he tries to gain access to a normal life and perspective through you. There's going to be times where he disregards your wishes to instead compare it with his own, pushing his needs onto you and making his support rather for himself instead of his partner.

But besides from that flaw, he does try everything in his power in order to support you in your goals. His floormaster role also tends to come in handy, especially as the others would be more willing to listen with Rio by your side. If your desires happen to include selfless services or helping the other participants, he'll definitely silently judge you for it and throw in a sassy remark here and there for your overly sweet demeanor [how dare you be the angel he so desperately needed in his life]. But despite his stubbornness, he'll most definitely end up giving in and helping you out no matter what.

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Oh, nuh uh. If you think this menace is going to stick to a certain routine, you are DEAD wrong. The whole reason why he gave this lovey dovey lifestyle a chance in the first place was for the sake of change. He wants to try out practically everything with you. As soon as a chance in given for a new experience, he's going to take it with open arms and you'll automatically be dragged with him in the process. He wants to try and keep everything entertaining for the both of you, especially with his current position in the game, wanting nothing more than to be that one person who can snap you out of your current boredom no matter the cost.

All his life he's thought that his only purpose was to cause despair and hopelessness towards the humans among the killing game. But your appearance happened to make a huge change in the matter. He wants to keep you satisfied with him and his antics, while wanting to keep himself well pleased aswell.

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

This is another complex situation when it comes to Rio. He's especially talented among reading humans and the emotions they may hold in the current circumstances, but in terms of his empathy ...that is a different story. Rio is already naturally apathetic and lacks the ability to feel compassion for pretty much everybody out there, no matter how hard he tries to rearrange [pun intended] himself into feeling otherwise for your sake.

Don't get me wrong, he cares a lot about you in his own way. And he is willing to put on an act to try and make you feel less detached. Especially when hinting at the fact he has been misunderstood by many himself. But in shorter terms; he understands you and can read you very well for that matter, but ... He has immense trouble caring for that spectrum. He wants to, and he knows he should, which directly explains the facade he prefers to keep on around you. Which is why you'll might have to dig a bit deeper in order to change that habit into genuine sincerity...

[aboysbestfriendishismum]

Chapter 61 - Shirts, questions and the Fonz with a moustache

In the previous chapter: Jerry goes on his blind date and meets Heather. Surprisingly, she too reveals that she's not interested in meeting guys at the moment. Realizing that they are very similar and in the same situation, she convinces Jerry to pretend that the two of them are dating so as to be left alone by their respective friends. During a question-and-answer game between Stone and Grace, the two discuss how she hasn't let him sleep with her in her bed yet due to her insecurities. In the end Stone manages to calm her down and convince her to take this step with him. Eddie and Angie finally manage to spend an evening together, with pizza and horror movies. Eddie tries again to make her change her mind about Cameron Crowe's film and reveals that for him it's a special occasion: exactly one month has passed since their first kiss. Angie feels guilty because she hadn't thought about the anniversary at all, not being used to this type of things in her past relationships.

***

He fills me up, he gives me love More love than I've ever seen He's all I got, he's all I got in this world But he's all the man that I need

To a casual observer this scene might seem surreal, I must admit. If my life was a TV series and today's episode began with this scene from this morning, as a viewer, a thousand alarm bells would go off for me, ranging from "It's an alternative reality resulting from time travel gone wrong” to “A catastrophe is just about to happen.” Because me, Angie Pacifico, making pancakes on a Wednesday morning, still in my robe despite having class in just over an hour, dancing to the top 100 on the radio and singing (destroying) Whitney Houston is not something you see every day. I actually turned the volume up for Eddie because I suspect that I-never-sleep-I-only-live-at-night-in-san-diego-I-went-surfing-at-the-crack-of-dawn guy has no intention of getting out of bed. This morning I opened my eyes before my killer alarm clock and I promptly deactivated it to let him rest. I took the fastest and quietest shower ever and now I'm here. Since we are always in a rush and don't spend time together regularly, it seemed like a nice thing to prepare a nice breakfast to spoil him a little and be able enjoy a few more minutes together, sitting at a table, talking and joking, rather than sharing the usual quick bye and go each their own way. And I'm also including Meg in this because, with the end of school approaching, the tattoo thing and all the side jobs she's taking on to supplement her income, even having a nice chat with my roommate has become complex. I thought the smell of breakfast and coffee would be enough to give Ed a sweeter good morning than my hated alarm clock, but I was wrong. I pour another big scoop of dough into the pan and smile when I hear the sound of the shower water running, thinking that my melodious chanting has done its duty, but I immediately change my mind when I hear Meg's voice singing along to the chorus of Freedom 90. Well, if I didn't make it, she'll take care of throwing him out of bed with the help of George Michael.

I take the plate with all the pancakes and put it in the center of the table, the bottle of chocolate syrup is already there. Since I don't want to be seen as someone who only eats junk, I decide to also get some yogurt and fruit, which always goes well on pancakes. I head towards the fridge dancing, but not before shouting EVERYBODY DANCE NOW! together with the radio. I stick my head into the fridge and when I back up and close the door I almost have a heart attack and almost project yogurt and berries on to the ceiling.

"EDDIE!"

"Hey," he says to me, leaning against the doorframe, sleepy and smiling.

"WHAT THE FUCK" I leave everything on the table safely and regain color.

"Good morning to you too, kitten"

"Fucking kitten, you appear like this out of nowhere, you scared the fuck out of me!"

"Forgive me, I didn't want to scare you. It's just that… you were all focused on dancing, I couldn't interrupt you" he explains with that adorable stupid face that… nothing, I have class in an hour, I can't think about these things .

“How long have you been there?”

"A little while" he's still standing at the kitchen door. Still standing there in just his boxers and his black and red plaid button down shirt. I repeat, Angie , YOU CAN'T THINK ABOUT THAT NOW.

"You could have found an alternative and gentler way to announce your presence, right?" I go back to the unlit stove and pretend to turn it off, then move to the sink and pretend to fiddle with something else until I feel his hands on my shoulders.

"And miss this show? I'm not that stupid" he kisses my cheek and then rests his chin on my right shoulder.

"The ideal show for a traumatic awakening. Hey, be careful or you'll get burnt, it's still hot" I warn him when I see him reach out for the pan, perhaps to put it to wash.

"I'm already on fire anyway" he puts everything in the sink and then hugs me from behind, leaning on me again.

"Eheheh what?"

“Do you have any idea how sexy you were?” he whispers as his fucking grabby hands do the work.

"Am I sexy in the kitchen? At the stove? In one of the stereotyped roles in which the most vulgar sexism imprisons women?" I turn towards him in an attempt to get him off me, but with little success.

“I actually meant dancing in a robe, but honestly this is even fucking better” very poor considering now he's just grabbed at my ass and his mouth is getting dangerously close to my sweet spot on my neck.

"Oh ok so… years of struggles for women's emancipation reduced to a fetish? Feminism that exists only for the sexual gratification of you, straight white man?"

"Stop it or I'll have to fuck you here and now" he backs away from my neck just long enough to point this thing out in my ear, and then goes back to his actions.

"Eheh, you can't anyway" I push him away perhaps too impulsively, I turn around again and start filling the sink with water and then take the dish detergent.

"Why?" please, Eddie, you're not helping right now.

"Because… because Meg is over there…" and again, his hands on my hips "And then we have to eat and I have to go to class"

"Ok, wait," Eddie turns off the tap, takes my hand and, pushing me into a sort of pirouette, forces me to turn towards him again "point A"

"Haha, you even have points ready first thing in the morning!"

"I was born ready. Point A: Meg is over there, she's not here" first he looks towards the door, then directs his eye back towards me and winks.

"But she can arrive at any moment" I reply, but I'm not as quick to fight against his hands, which start unbuttoning my robe.

"We just need to pay attention when we hear Mariah Carey coming over," he jokes, making fun of the song she's singing now.

"What if we're too distracted?" I close a button, he unbuttons two.

"Point B:" he continues, not caring about my objections, "we can still eat... after..."

"After what?" he just looks up to smile at me, without a word.

"Point C: I'll give you a ride to class so you won't be late" and there go two more buttons.

"But-" I try to protest, not so strongly. He silences me by kissing me, softly, but with a certain firmness, and now my robe is completely open.

"Come on, let's go to your room, five minutes"

"It will never be five minutes, Eddie"

"Wanna bet?" my robe is on the floor and his hands are under my pajama top, threatening to send that flying too. Until a detail belatedly catches my attention.

"Eddie, da-… um, sorry, but what are you wearing?"

"I'm overdressed, right? I'll fix in a sec!" he wiggles his eyebrows like an idiot, starts to take off his shirt, but I stop him.

"No, I mean, don't you see what you've got on? Didn't you notice?" I start laughing and this very moment he start to give in a little and lets go of me. I take the opportunity to pull myself together and retrieve my dressing gown from the floor.

"What is it? Did I put it on backwards?" he looks at his shirt without understanding, and then looks at me, sulkily, when I put my robe back on.

"No, you put it on just right, but it's mine, can't you see?" I reveal by caressing his chest (Jesus!) with the excuse of pointing out the pockets on the front of my checked shirt, very similar to his "Yours doesn't have these"

"Oh shit, in the daze of waking up I must have taken yours instead of mine, they look the same"

"How did you not notice? Can't you see that it's a girl's shirt? The buttons are on the other side" I button up a couple of them and in doing so I notice how comfortable my shirt looks on him. Very comfy. Too comfy. He swims in it. It's obvious he didn't notice, if I was a nice size SMALL or EXTRASMALL he wouldn't be able to fit a single arm in this fucking shirt. But no, he didn't pay attention to it, because his girlfriend is a heavyweight. Well he should have noticed for the opposite reason, that is that he could fit his whole band in that shirt.

"Ah! That's why I couldn't fucking button it up! I felt stupid, for a moment I thought I was stoned or was having an aneurysm or something hahaha"

"You're insane" I shake my head and take the plates to put them on the table, turning my back to him to not to show him my face, darkened by the previous thoughts. Why does my brain always have to ruin the best moments?

"I know, I know. Anyway it's comfortable and it smells like you, I think I'll keep it. Can I?" I turn around in puzzlement and when I look at him he takes the hems of the shirt and closes them tightly over his chest, miming a hug. Then he shoves his nose against the fabric of the sleeve and pretends to be inebriated by my perfume, emitting a dramatic satisfied sigh.

“Which shitty romantic comedy did you come from, can you explain?” I look at him perplexed and on the inside I thank him for making me forget my fucking negative thoughts in a second.

"I'm not romantic and I'm not funny" he replies very seriously.

"And in any case the cliché should be the other way around: in any self-respecting romance flick, it's the girl who gets up in the morning and puts on her man's shirt or t-shirt. And he obviously enjoys the view"

"And since when do you respect gender clichés? Why is it always the male eye only that needs to be pleased?" he leans back on the kitchen counter and as he does so the edges of his shirt widen again.

"Shut up or I'll have to… um… jump on you here and now" I half-quote his line from earlier.

"...said the girl, giving him an excellent reason not to stop at all." Eddie walks up to me again in a threatening way (yeah, okay…), but this time it goes badly for him. I think I've never loved and hated Mariah Carey at the same time as much as now.

"Somedaaay Hey Heeeey! Oh hi guys, good morning" Meg enters the kitchen and I don't know if she doesn't notice me and Eddie because her attention is all on the table or if she's just pretending.

"HI"

"Good morning Meg" Eddie and I drift apart like two magnets placed in front of each other. He turns around trying to fasten the remaining buttons on his/my shirt, even though they're backwards, while I dedicate myself to distributing the pancakes on the plates.

“Did I interrupt something?” I correct myself, she noticed and doesn't even pretend she didn't, while she squeezes chocolate onto her pancakes.

“Yes, a debate about feminism” Eddie gives me a flying kiss on the cheek and sits down at the table.

"You can't just flirt like normal couples, huh?" Meg winks at me as I sit down too, resigned to her comments.

"We're not normal individually, let alone as a couple" observes Eddie and he's not entirely wrong. He also goes for the chocolate syrup, so the only one who will give a change to the yogurt will be me, obviously.

“Anyway, when are you going to ask him him to move in here with us?” Meg looks at me first and then, this time, the wink is for Eddie.

"What??"

"So we'll have the cool breakfast every morning"

"If you want pancakes, just ask, no need to get Eddie involved" I mutter as he and Meg laugh loudly at my expense.

“Did you call Crowe?” Meg gives me another jab when she's halfway through her pancakes and it's clear that I'm her favorite target this morning.

"No, I didn't call him"

"And when will you call him?"

"Well, I don't know, I-"

"If you want, I'll take care of it," Eddie saves me in every sense, intervening in the conversation and pouring me some more coffee into the half-empty cup, "I'll tell him when I see him"

"You tell him Angie accepts?!" Meg remains with her fork in mid-air in front of her open mouth and is about to have a bitter surprise.

"Actually, no. I mean, I understood no, or maybe I'm wrong?" Eddie looks alternately between my roommate and me.

"No, you're not wrong, as I already told you, I have decided to refuse" I reassure him and prepare for hell.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Meg drops her fork on her plate and looks at me reproachfully.

"Because, as I already, told you multiple times, it's not for me"

"And you? Don't you have anything to tell her?" Eddie, who evidently appreciated my culinary efforts because he has already cleaned his plate polishing off every crumbs, pauses for a few seconds, keeping the napkin over his mouth before speaking.

"Um? Me? Why? What should I say?"

"What should you say?! Convince her, right?" Meg looks at both of us like we're idiots.

"Well, we talked about it. Personally I think it's a great opportunity, but if Angie doesn't feel like doin'g it, then she shouldn't do it. I don't want to put pressure on her or anything like that." Eddie gets up, puts the plate in the sink along with the cup, after finishing his coffee.

"I, on the other hand, really wanna put all the pressure on you. I mean, without an external push you would never do a damn thing, you wouldn't even be here! And then I think you're making a huge mistake by saying no! And you should tell her too, if you care about her" my friend shuffles in her seat, she didn't expect to find herself in the minority.

"I do care. And since I care I want her to be free to choose what to do. If she took part to the movie just to make us happy, it would be useless. At least, that's what I think." Eddie explains his thesis and then approaches me again and gives me another quick kiss on the lips "I'm going to shower and get dressed. With the right clothes this time"

I look at him dreamily as he leaves the kitchen and walks away, until I meet Meg's questioning gaze.

"Hehe it's because he wore the wrong shirt, he wore mine instead of his... because in the dark they looked the same to him eheh"

"This is not the explanation I'm looking for"

"What do you mean?"

"What did you tell him?"

"Him who?"

"Eddie! He's suddenly so careful not to offend your feelings, what did you say to him?" he crosses his arms and looks at me defiantly.

“What makes you think I said anything to him?”

"I know you. And, even if a little less, I know him too"

"Can't it be that he just believes what he said?"

"No. He didn't believe it when he forced you to play basketball with the band, play drums at Cameron's party, go up the Space Needle, make out in front of an entire club full of people for two hours. I don't see why he would have changed his mind now, unless you intervened in some way" Meg aggressively counts my adventures on her fingers.

“Aren't you going to finish your pancakes?”

"No, I won't give you the slightest culinary satisfaction until you speak" and she knows that it bothers me a lot, she's using strong methods.

"But I have nothing to say"

"What did you tell him?"

"Nothing"

"What did you really tell him?"

"Hahaha NOTHING!"

“Did you promise him sexual favors?”

"He's my boyfriend, he already has my favors, I don't need to promise anything to him"

"Maybe favors that are... a little kinkier than usual?"

"No!"

"Just tell me then or these pancakes are gonna end up in the bin" Meg takes the plate, gets up and stands in front of the dustbin.

"You wouldn't dare"

"Wanna bet?" maintaining eye contact with me, she slowly puts her foot on the bin's pedal and the lid opens up with a click.

"Well, it's not like I told him anything specific…"

"HA! You did say something to him, then?!" the lid closes, but she doesn't move.

"I talked to him about the fact that I wouldn't be comfortable being an actress"

"Mmmm"

"And that I would have too many lines to memorize"

"And?"

"That the presence of Tim Burton would have put me in difficulty"

"Okay... and?"

"And that I would have been hypercritical and would never want to see that film again if I had been in it… Maybe, due to the trauma, I would never set foot on a movie set again"

"Only that?" Meg's little foot still rests on the pedal of the dustbin.

"Only that?! I basically told him that it could put my entire career at risk."

"Okay. And then, what else did you tell him?" Meg doesn't give up and I feel I'm about to capitulate, I have no other choice.

“And well, I may have added some plot details…”

"THERE YOU GO. Tell me about these details" Meg realized she finally had me in her under her thumb and she sits back down at the table, placing the plate in front of her.

"I might have told him that, while skimming through the script, I had read of something I didn't feel like doing"

“What the hell of a story did you make up, Angie?” my friend shakes her head and grabs her fork again.

"I didn't invent anything! I just told him that at a certain point I thought I saw a scene with…"

"With…?"

"With a kiss"

"A KISS?!"

"A kiss, a very long one"

"AHAHAHAHAH YOU'RE SUCH A BITCH!" Meg doesn't hold back and laughs holding her belly.

"Look, it's true! There is a kiss! There are several! Just, um, not exactly in my scene"

"WHAT A BAD BITCH!"

“And since I mentioned this to Eddie, he suddenly became very understanding of my insecurities.”

"YOU DON'T SAY?! Who knows why?" Meg dives back into the pancakes, but not before adding some more chocolate syrup.

"You won't tell him anything, right?"

"Look, I would be tempted because for me you are a fool to refuse a part in the film and I would involve anyone to convince you, but…"

"But?"

"But I love your perfidiousness in this thing too much to let you get caught"

"I'm not evil!"

"No, you're just a little budding manipulator who cunningly uses someone else's weakness for her own gain… Little Angie is growing up! I could almost start crying" Meg feigns emotion and wipes away some fake tears with her napkin.

"Ahaha I didn't manipulate Eddie"

"You used his jealousy to make him do what you wanted, how do you call it?"

"I just striked some chords…"

"You pulled the right strings!" Meg gets up and puts the plate in the sink with the rest.

"I don't know if you're trying to play with my conscience to get me to tell Eddie the truth and accept the part or if you actually appreciate my little dishonest ploy."

"Mmm a bit of both!" Meg leaves the kitchen and retrieves her jacket and bag, I join her at the door "Anyway, in the end, even if manipulated, Eddie is right: it's you who decides. It's just that... I would have loved to brag a bit and say Hey, my friend is in that movie!"

"Half the people you know will be in that movie. Anyway, once I become a successful author, you can say Hey, my friend wrote that!"

"I can't wait! Alright, see you tonight at Roxy's"

"Ok see ya"

"Did you follow me to the door to say bye or to make sure I wouldn't go and tell Eddie"

"Hahaha to say bye! You would never do that. At least, not now that he's in the shower"

"Well, I could if I wanted to, you're not the jealous one in the couple" he winks at me and opens the door.

"Bye Meg"

"Besides, I've already seen him in his underwear, so" she's about to leave, but she comes back and shrugs at me.

"BYE" I close the door in her face as a joke and she holds it open with one foot.

"And my friends' boyfriends are all like women to me"

"JUST GO IT'S LATE, SEE YOU TONIGHT!"

The woodworm that Meg has just tried to put in my head about my unfair attitude towards Eddie doesn't even have time to creep into my thoughts when the phone starts ringing.

"Hello"

"…" on the other side just silence.

"Hello?" I repeat and actually I seem to hear noises through the receiver. It's not a noisy line, it's mora like someone is waiting in silence with the receiver in their hand.

"Is anyone there or not?" the moment I clearly perceive a breath I freeze. I look around to figure out where Eddie is, because I can't hear the sound of the shower water anymore, but I don't see him around. I go peek in my room and it's not there, so he's probably finished the shower, but he's still in the bathroom.

"Is it you?"

"…" still nothing.

"Do you need anything? Do you need money?" I ask in a low voice, but without getting any answer, except for an abrupt termination of the phone call.

I exhale deeply, as if I've been holding my breath for a while, and maybe I really have. I drop the phone on the table, take my plate and put it in the sink along with everything else. I glance at the clock. No, I don't have time now, I'll wash them later today.

A new ring of the phone makes me jump, I look at it for a while without doing anything, but then I decide to answer, if only to prevent Eddie from becoming suspicious and coming out here to see what's happening and why no one answers the phone.

"HELLO?!"

"Hey, good morning to you too! What happened? Did you wake up with a bad case of the grumpies this morning?" the response on the other end, this time, puts me in a completely different mood.

"Hi mom! No, everything's ok"

"I mean, it sounded like you wanted to maul whoever was on the other end of the phone…"

"No, it's just… there's someone having fun making prank calls this morning. They call and don't speak, without even a bit of imagination, at least they could come up with something more articulated"

"Like, if you have to bother me, at least use creativity"

"Exactly"

"Okay, how are you? Sorry I'm calling you this early, but at least I'm sure I'd find you"

"No problem, you did well. In fact, you barely found me because I have to go to class soon" I walk up to my room to get the clothes to put on, waiting for Eddie to come out of the bathroom.

"That's it, exactly. I'll end up having to make an appointment to talk to you on the phone"

"Don't worry, I still have time, we can have our fulfilling mother-daughter conversation"

"Good girl. So how are you? How did your holidays go?"

“Well, I worked a lot!”

"It's a shame they're called holidays…"

"Okay, I also rested and did a lot of things that I've had pending for ages! I defrosted the fridge, I cleaned the chandeliers, I washed all the carpets…" I go back to the corridor while I recall all the steps of the great house cleaning.

"What a strange concept of rest"

"Ugh, I went out with Meg and the others too, I haven't been home all day"

"I had no doubts. And how is Eddie?"

"Eddie is-" he almost caught me off guard "Why are you asking me about Eddie? And more importantly, how do you know him?" yeah, how do you know the guy who just came out of the bathroom covered only by a short towel tied not very firmly at the waist that could fall at any moment and who winked at me before slipping into my room.

"Oh your father told me about him"

"Did he tell you about him? What did he tell you?" the guy who slips into the room without closing the door, takes off the towel and… NO, ANGIE, YOU DON'T HAVE TIME AND YOU'RE ON THE PHONE WITH YOUR MOTHER, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

"Yeah, I mean, he told me that you have a friend called Eddie and that he met him."

“It happened months ago, why are you asking me about my friends now?” and why Eddie, would be the real question. But I don't want to get too carried away and make her suspicious.

"No, I'm just looking at the photos your father took when he came to visit you…"

"Ah, the famous photos that I haven't seen yet" I lock myself in the bathroom and put it on speakerphone, so I can brush my teeth in the meantime.

"Well, because he only developed them now! Forgive him, he's been very busy with work, I've barely seen him too"

"I know, I know, it's just that he told me he would send them to me"

"In fact, he's going to send them to you exactly this morning. Which would also be the reason why I called you, to tell you this"

"Oh great! Thank him"

"And… you know, since I have a photo of you with Eddie right in front of me right now, he came to my mind, just like this"

"Totally random"

"Right. Anyway, how is he?" He's fine, mom, thanks. He spent the night with me and now he is naked in my room.

"Good! From what I know, at least. I mean, the band is recording the album, I don't see them as often as before" well done, Angie. Plural. Go with plural.

“But you told me earlier that you hung out with the guys during spring break.”

"Yes, of course, but I haven't seen them in a while now. However, they're happy, Stone told me that everything is going well." Was using Stone as a diversion from Eddie a good move?

"Ah! So you've seen Stone more than Eddie!" no, it's not good at all.

"I saw them equally, mom, don't get any strange ideas, I thought I made myself clear enough at Christmas" I snort and start taking off my dressing gown and pajamas.

"Very clear! You know what? The pictures are very beautiful, you'll see. Now I'll get dad for you, he has to tell you something"

"Okay?" my father? What does he have to tell me? He won't ask me about Eddie too, will he?

"Bye Angie, call me next time so I don't bother you, okay?"

"You're not mad because I'm talking to you while getting ready and doing something else in the meantime, are you?" I get dressed quickly, the only thing I forgot to take are the boots, but I can put them on later.

"No, but call! Okay, here's your father"

"Bye"

"Hey Angie!"

"Hi Dad"

"Today I'm sending you all the photos I took when I came to Seattle. Sorry if I'm late but it's been a mess. I've practically been living in the darkroom for weeks"

"Don't worry. How did they turn out?" I put my pajamas in the laundry hamper, throw my robe over my shoulder and, with the phone still on loudspeaker in my hand, I leave the bathroom.

"Not to brag, but they turned out great! Both the ones from the concerts and those from the beach party. I got a nice box here, ready to be shipped"

"Fine, now come out of the dark room and spend some time with mom" when I enter the room I waste no time, I put my dressing gown on the chair and run to cover Eddie's mouth before he can make any sound.

"Don't worry, I'll do that!"

"Did you want to tell me something else? Mom already told me about the pictures" when I'm sure he understood and he nods at me, I release my grip on Eddie's mouth and go and sit on the bed to put on my boots, with my back towards him.

"Yes, I wanted to ask you: do you know Nirvana?"

"Yes, they are a band from around here, I even saw them twice in concert"

"Not as a band, do you know them personally?"

“Um well, not really.”

"What do you mean? Do you know them or not?"

"I know them by sight! Mostly the drummer…" damn, why did I say that?? I quickly turn around and see Eddie has stopped right in the middle of zipping up his pants and is glaring at me "and I exchanged a few words with the bassist, I know who the singer is but that's it"

"Oh because they know you"

"What? And how do you know?" Why do I feel he's not about to tell me anything good? And why the fuck did I keep it on speakerphone? I can't take it off now or it would look like I want to hide things from Eddie.

"They played here in Boise a few days ago"

"Really?"

"At The Zoo" the management guys must have thought it was a real zoo and wanted to send Kurt there, for sure.

"And you went to see them? Weren't you busy with work?" after eternal moments I start tying my boots again and Eddie finally zips up his fly.

"You know what they say, too much work and no play…"

"Yes, and then you end up chasing your family with a hatchet"

"Exactly. Great concert anyway, pure energy! I took few photos unfortunately. The next day I bought the album. They also played some new tracks from the album which has yet to be released"

"And what do I have to do with all this?" if he bought Dave a drink too, I swear I'll scream. What the fuck is that? Does my dad have some kind of radar for my exes now? And he has to talk about it right now with Eddie listening?

"Oh because at one point on stage the singer said something about how it was their first time playing in Idaho and that so far they didn't know anyone from around here, except for a girl who's actually from our town. And he said that he will have to find another nickname for their friend, but it was a quick and rather cryptic conversation that I didn't quite understand. Do you know anything about it?"

"Mmm I have no clue honestly" Eddie looks at me and bursts out laughing, I signal him to be quiet and he covers his face with his hands.

"But you're the friend, aren't you?"

"I don't think so," a friend of that jerk?? I'd rather gouge my eyes out with my bare hands "I wonder who he was talking about, there must be other people from Boise who moved to Seattle, I'm not that special, you know?"

"That's why I asked you if you knew them…"

"Yes, but only by sight and they don't know where I'm from, they don't even know my name eheh" Eddie uncovers his face and makes a noise as if to say Yes, of course!

"Oh well, it's just a coincidence then"

"Of course it is"

"Ok, I'll leave you now. I'll go to the post office and then to the editorial office"

"Okay. Bye and good luck with your work"

"And say hello to Meg"

"Alright"

"And Eddie" Eddie looks at me and explodes into a toothy smile, while he waves hello with his little hand in the direction of the phone.

“Go-why Eddie?”

"No reason, he just came to my mind"

“Let me guess: you got one of his pictures right in front of your eye right now, right?” well, now Eddie will think that in my house there is a little altar with a picture of him, flowers and candles and that my parents pray on it every single morning.

"Hehe, actually yes! Say hello to him when you see him, ok? He's a good boy"

"I will. Bye dad"

“Bye Ray,” Eddie replies to himself as soon as I hang up.

"If they had heard you, I would have killed you!"

"Pff overreacting as usual…" now fully dressed, he comes and sits next to me on the bed.

"Ha! Don't even think about it, it's late and we have to rush to the university"

"I don't know what you're talking about, I just wanted to get this" all cocky, he reaches under the bed and pulls out his backpack.

"Sure"

"I'm a good boy"

"Okay, if the good boy is ready, it's time to go"

"Ok let's go"

*****************************************************************************************************

"How do you say Can I have your number in Swiss?"

"There's no such thing as Swiss, Mike" the girl from the staff just opened the door to the dressing rooms, just long enough to tell us Soundcheck in zehn Minuten, and that idiot has already fallen in love.

"What do you mean? So what do they speak in this hell of a country?"

"Where are we now, that is Zurich, they speak German" I just give him the key concept, we have a soundcheck to do and I'm not in the mood to explain Swiss multilingualism to my bass player.

"Okay, how do you say it in German?"

"Ask them in English, you'll see they understand you anyway" Layne gets up and motions to Starr, the only one sitting, to do the same and follow him.

"The whole world speaks English" says Sean the wise.

"You should have learned it by now, after the shitty show the other night in Düsseldorf" Layne opens the dressing room door and goes out, followed closely by us, remembering our nice little mishap the day before yesterday, when Mike al most got us killed. A typical Alice in Chains Monday night, in short.

"AGAIN? Look, I made a fucking comment in a fucking bar full of people, I thought you barely heard me, let alone those guys!" Mike isn't entirely wrong, there was an absurd mess in that karaoke bar. I don't know how the fuck we ended up there, I think it was just the closest source of alcohol on the way between the concert venue and the place we were sleeping at. We were all shitfaced when a guy in a leather jacket and sunglasses, who had just destroyed The show must go on on stage, passed by us. The very second as Mike noticed an unexpected resemblance.

"We all thought he didn't look anything like Freddie Mercury, but we kept it to ourselves instead of shouting it from the rooftops!"

"But it was so him! It was the Fonz with a moustache! What the fuck did I say? I said nothing bad, I didn't call him an idiot"

"Actually the exact words were Such an asshole, rather than Freddie Mercury, he looks like the Fonz with a mustache ah ah ah"

"Okay, he only heard the second part though"

"And thank goodness, otherwise he and his friends would have kicked us all the way inside the hotel, instead of stopping outside"

We arrive on stage and start with the rehearsals without getting lost in further chatter. We're here to play four songs in front of a couple of thousand people who don't give a shit about us and who can't wait for us to get off our balls and enjoy the Megadeth concert, of which we are the support band. But for us it's fucking life, playing is playing, as long as they put us on a stage, we'll do it with anyone and in front of any audience. I mean, we've opened for everyone from fucking Poison to Iggy Pop in just the space of one year. In this Andy and I were really on the same wavelength. I remember the nights spent fantasizing about our imaginary future concerts in stadiums and temples of rock. "Madison Square Garden? I'll even go there with the fucking Warrant just to play there!" I can still hear him say. I miss him so fuckin' much. Well, at least I like Megadeth even though maybe neither they nor their fans like me. We are at the fourth date of this European tour and we still haven't even exchanged a word. Let's say we almost didn't even see them. And the people? Well, if they're cold that's fine, when it's bad then they'll just throw shit at us on stage. If Angie were here, she'd suggest we put up a protective net like in the Blues Brothers… Well, thank goodness the soundcheck is over because I'm getting melancholic as fuck and I need a fucking beer. Without speaking we all leave and go out in the same direction, straight towards the nearest bar, hoping this isn't karaoke too. When I see a phone booth on the other side of the road, however, I can't help but take action and take a small detour.

"I have to… um I have to make a phone call, see you later"

“Can't you call from the bar? I'm pretty sure they have a phone there too”

"Oh no, Mike, he can't! Can't you see the young gentleman here doesn't want to be heard? It's so obvious!" Sean is already on the starting blocks of taking the piss out of yours truly.

"But who do you have to call? The same girl from yesterday?"

"From yesterday and the day before yesterday…" continues the drummer.

"But what about minding your own business?"

"And who is this girl? Aren't you going to tell us?"

"Layne knows her, she's a friend of Dem" Kinney is super informed on the facts, as I imagined Layne held back, but not completely and let the minimum slip. Excellent.

"I cultivate the noble art of minding my own fuckin' business, so I don't know anything"

"Well done Layne!" I pat my buddy on the shoulder and start to walk away again.

"Well done my ass, we're worried about you!"

"Speak for yourself, I'm very calm and I just want the booze" and this too was predictable from Sean. By now I could write everyone's parts in our dialogues, I know them like the back of my hand.

"Don't listen to him, you are our brother! You just miraculously emerged from the disaster with Angie, you know... and now you're going to get yourself in trouble in yet another serious affair with someone else??"

"Who told you this is serious?"

"If it's worth three intercontinental calls, it's serious for me"

"Come on, she's someone he's just met, she's fresh and he wants to keep her interested, right?"

"I see you already know everything so I have nothing else to add, see you later" I walk away amidst the shouts and whistles of my companions and I see them proceed shuffling towards the bar from inside the booth.

I take the small address book from the inside pocket of my jacket and obviously I open it to the first page, to the letter A. I know I should flip on through it, but I can't, it's as if I'm stuck, as if I'm short-circuiting for a few seconds . I put what I think it's the equivalent of our tonight's salary in coins into the phone and dial the wrong number on purpose. What time will it be the now? Like 9 or 10 in the morning, maybe she's not even home.

"Hello" but she's fucking there instead.

"Hello?" she repeats and at that point I realize that I haven't spoken, because in reality I thought I'd answered and told her that it was me and that I'm in a break between soundcheck and concert and that I called her because, for a change, I was thinking about her .

"Is anyone there or not?" I think I can hear myself telling her about the Fonz with the moustache, about the more than necessary protective net for our stage, about Mike who last night was about to pick up a girl who told him she was in her third year at Gymnasium, thinking it meant she was a gym freak, before I saved him by explaining that she was a fucking high school student.

"Is it you?" I'm panicking because I got caught like an idiot. After all, who else would call her and then give her the silence treatment? And from abroad too… I'm such an asshole.

"Do you need help? Do you need money?" at this point it's as if I wake up from some kind of fucking hypnosis and suddenly hang up the phone. Money? Why would Angie think I'm calling her for money? The answer is simple: she didn't catch me at all and she thought I was someone else. But who? Who could call her in the morning asking for money? What kind of mess did she get herself into? When I leave the phone booth I remember that I forgot to call Heather like we agreed, but who cares after all? The guys think I did it, in the end it's the gesture that counts. I join the band at the bar counter with a head full of questions.

The questions run through my head until the concert and even during and after that. In the end the show didn't go bad at all, apart from a few painless coins thrown, the audience also reacted well. You can see that the Swiss are more polite! And I was proven wrong twice tonight because, as soon as we got off the stage, we were immediately intercepted by David Elleffson and Marty Friedman of Megadeth who complimented us, confessing that they had no idea who the fuck we were before they heard us and that in their opinion we rock the asses, even if our name doesn't sound very good to them. We all spent the evening together drinking, smoking and talking bullshit, especially them, because at a certain point Marty said that they want to propose us as the opening band for the mega tour they will do with Slayer and Anthrax once they return home and in my opinion it was the drugs talking. Not that we don't deserve it, on the contrary! Well, I'll wait and see what happens, it would be cool, but I don't want to day dream for nothing. I prefer to take things as they come, day by day. But who the fuck calls you to ask you for money first thing in the morning? Maybe it's just a friend in need that Angie is helping because she always has to help everyone? Or maybe not…

[darklydeliciousdesires]

From Blood, Love and Courage - Chapter Four.

So posting another chapter a few days ago seemed to garner a bit more interest, that’s what your author likes to see! I love that you guys love Angel and Lily, I’m having fun writing them :) Looking forward to your thoughts over the next part! 

Previous chapters - One  Two  Three

Words - 5,177

Tag list - In the comments, please message to be added/removed

Warnings - Mentions of rape and the associated trauma of such to come in future chapters. While I do not plan on detailing these overtly graphically, there will be detailing of such and conversations surrounding the subject, so if this is a trigger for you, you’d be best not to begin reading the story. 18+ content throughout, minors DNI!

“So, when you told me earlier that you had a habit of being really stupid when something good comes along...” Lily began, taking the cigarette he offered her. Balls to four a day. “In the spirit of being honest, is this something I’m gonna have to be on my guard over with you? I’d rather know now, Angel, if you’re gonna mess me around.”

He admired that, how straight she’d asked him, although he couldn’t deny, it made him feel uncomfortable. It did because of the way he viewed himself. Something hit him there as he sipped his beer, something quite profound; the way they both viewed themselves was almost exactly the same, as someone not good enough, someone who wasn’t worth choosing, so as a result of such, both acted in ways to sabotage it before they could end up as the one being rejected. Lily did it by running away. He usually did it by blowing up the relationship he was in, because he couldn’t handle when something went right and didn’t trust that it would continue to do so.  

It was very unhealthy self-preservation.  

He took a breath, scratching his beard. “I don’t want you to be, I really don’t, because like I said don’t wanna be that guy any longer. I’m thirty-two now, so old enough to know better and start sorting my shit out, you know?” She cocked her head, a soft incline that confirmed she did. “I guess I have my own issues that aren’t entirely dissimilar to yours.”  

“Care to discuss them? I mean, you know mine, so I think it’s only fair, really.” He visibly closed up a little at that, dropping his head, his shoulders hunching up a tad. It was obvious that it was something that didn’t come easily to him. Despite his body sending such a message, though, Angel knew that if anyone was to get it and not judge him over it either, it would be her.  

“I kinda always felt second best to my brother when I was growing up,” he began, her face softening at hearing such. On the little he’d touched upon regarding his brother, she’d sensed there was something there that prickled at him. “I mean, we get on great now, but I always resented him a little, my folks too. He was smarter than me, a better son, had this whole glowing trajectory ahead of him and I think the more it pissed me off, the worse I became, the more paranoid I got. I mean, I’m dealing with it more now, seeing it for what it was, which was me being an angry, jealous kid, but it’s still baggage I carry. I know mom and dad loved me just as much, they just weren’t as proud, and I didn’t give ‘em much to be proud about, so yeah, when someone makes me their first choice, I have trouble believing it’s real and thus act like an asshole.”

He shifted and fiddled the entire way through his explanation, only being able to meet her eyes a couple of times. He might have come out with it, but boy, it hadn’t been easy. For this, Lily really appreciated him. It was deep territory to venture into on a first date, but for two people with rejection issues as significant as theirs, tackling it head on was likely going to be the most conducive route in ensuring their own insecurities didn’t ruin something they knew could be good, if they let it be. After all, neither could deny how well they’d connected, that first night.

“Because you always feel like there’s someone better out there, right?”

He widened his eyes a little at her assumption. “Right, exactly that.” He just wasn’t used to this level of honest discourse with a woman, especially not this soon, either.  

“Yeah, I get it. In my... I want to say it was my fourth, but I can’t remember exactly, foster home, there were two kids in care there, me and another little girl. The family decided to adopt her, but not me. It broke my heart, I was only six, but I was so happy there. They were good people, nice people, had a gorgeous home, golden retriever dogs, apple tree in the backyard, all that. And what it boiled down to, I now see through adult eyes, wasn’t me as all. It was just that they couldn’t feasibly afford to take both me and Brooke in, so chose her. I mean, she was the better behaved out of the two of us, so I can’t fault them there either.”

“I guess my mom choosing heroin over me what just the start of me being overlooked in favour of something else, and that’s what spurred my own anger, meant I ran away from foster homes before they could get chance to overlook me, ending up in group homes which were a thousand times worse. Maybe, though, in meeting each other, knowing where we’re both coming from, it’ll be different, because we have that same similarity,” she explained, Angel snorting softly.

“What, two emotional fuck ups together?”

She laughed, grasping his hand. “Yeah, exactly that.” It was daunting, quite scary in what they’d sat and confessed to one another, the deep dark that they knew they hadn’t ever dealt with healthily in the past. Both couldn’t deny, they felt somewhat lighter for discussing it, though. “Anyway, this isn’t exactly first date conversation. Let’s move it along so something lighter.”

His face brightened in an instant. “Yeah, let’s do that!”  

She sat and asked him questions, anything she could think of which she hadn’t upon their first meet, learning of how he first began to pursue a passion for motorcycles, fixing up old, broken wrecks in his parents' backyard, moving from job to job but always having that one constant, until he and his old friend Johnny, who’d served time in the military, found themselves gravitating towards life in the MC and starting out as prospects at the same time.  

“You had to do all of that?” Lily cried at hearing some of the duties prospects were tasked with, her mouth handing open. She knew there’d always be a limit to what she knew, or more aptly, what he was prepared to reveal, the club of course existing as a mere motorcycle enthusiasts organisation to most people outside it, but others of course, such as her, not so naïve over their dealings upon the other side of the law.  

“Oh yeah, prospects get the shit work to prove their loyalty, and it ranges from demeaning to all out gross, and everything in between. Tests your mettle, though, to see if you want the patch badly enough,” he cringed, remembering some of the things he’d been tasked with. Jesus. Grim. “So, how was training today? You looked great from where I was standing.”  

“It went really well, despite the fact I learned I’m being put into a fight against my nemesis in nine weeks from now, which I’m not happy about, but I see Larry’s reasoning over it entirely,” she replied, stubbing out her cigarette and taking a sip of her vodka and soda.  

Angel nodded toward her, raising an eyebrow. “A nemesis, huh? Bitch gonna lose half her damn face then, right?”

“Well,” she began through a ripple of laughter. “She fractured my eyebrow the last time we fought, really put me on my ass with a knockout head kick.” He could see by the way she rolled the two small straws in her drink around through the ice cubes that the idea perturbed her. Even fighters as accomplished as Lily had people whom they feared, which just made her even more endearing to him.  

“Then I agree with Larry. You need to go finish her, mamacita, show her that first time was just a fluke!” Mamacita, her beloved Carlos’ favourite pet name for her, Lily telling him as much. “Carlos, was that the guy checking me out as soon as I walked into the coffee shop earlier, or the tall guy with the shaved head?”

“Yeah, that’s him, the one who was looking at you like you were his lunch.”  

Angel snorted hard with laughter. “I felt like he was gonna vault the counter and dive on me.”  

“Had you not been there to see me, he likely would have!” she assured him, Angel laughing. “Oh, he was going crazy for you, said you made him feel like he was getting the menopause.”  

It was an unfortunate moment for Angel to have taken a sip of beer, spraying it back out over the chair beside him, completely cracking up. “He sounds like he’s fun.”

“He makes having to be around El Chupacabra more bearable,” Lily confirmed, Angel liking how she used his name for her somewhat cantankerous boss.

“Yeah, what’s her deal? She always that mean?”

“Eh,” she shrugged. “I guess she has a job to do, but she’s always been moody, not very personable.”

He shrugged. “Maybe she don’t get laid much.”  

“It wouldn’t surprise me. It’d mean she had to crack her face for longer than six seconds.” He snorted laughing at that. “She’s probably got cobwebs in her undies. Like the mom from Drop Dead Fred.”

“That movie is so damned funny!” Angel shouted with excitement. “Ain’t hardly anyone I know who’s heard of it, though. The guy, the British dude, what’s his name?”

“Rik Mayal.” Lily offered, Angel ceasing snapping his fingers as he attempted to jog his memory, pointing right at her.

“Yeah, that’s him. See, this is something else I really like about you, you just know shit. Like, I dunno, I bet you could probably name the sixteenth US president off the top of your head or something,” he mused, sipping his beer.

“Well, that isn’t difficult. It was Abraham Lincoln,” she shrugged.  

As if she knew, just like that, no mental straining to attain the answer. “See, that’s what happens when you pay attention at school. I barely even turned up for history class. I was usually too busy smoking weed or getting laid.”  

“So not much of a historical wealth of info then, no?”

He snorted. “No, but I’m damned good at rolling joints and eating pussy.”

Her eyebrows twitched, Lily watching her drink straws between her teeth as she laughed softly. “I’ll drink to that.” Just thinking about him doing it sent a little pleasant shiver through her, grinning as she drained her drink.  

“Stop thinking about my tongue,” he chided with a wink. “I feel violated, just from a look.”  

“Funny, since you’re the one who's proficient in violation,” she clapped back, Angel smirking.

“You want another drink?”  

She licked her lip, just the touch of her tongue against that bee stung pout making something inside him feel as though it had snapped. “Among other things.” He adored that duality in her, how she could suddenly go from quite demure, to unashamedly flirtatious in a nanosecond. He laughed, a low rumble of amusement, winking as he got up, heading inside to the bar. While inside, he heard a slight commotion going on out front, arriving back to see the other part of duality regarding Lily he also enjoyed. Threatened Lily was quite the thing to behold.  

“We got a problem here?” he questioned, placing the drinks down, remaining on his feet for that moment.  

“Yeah, that stupid drunken fuck just crashed right into me and then gave me a mouthful of abuse when I told him to apologise,” Lily spoke, affronted by such behaviour.  

Angel immediately turned to the two guys still present. “Oh, I’d apologise if I were you.”

“Why? What are you gonna do if I don’t?” the irked drunk replied, he and his friend puffing their chests, holding their arms out wide and expressively to give them the appearance of much larger men than the two skinny fellas they actually were.  

“I don’t gotta do nothing, but her? Yikes,” Angel began, jerking his head towards Lily as he sat down casually. “I got a good five inches in height and thirty pounds of muscle on you, bro, and not even I’d fuck with her.”

“I want my apology,” Lily gritted, eyeing him sharply.  

“Yeah?” the guy sneered, leaning in close to her. He was about to suggest that maybe she suck his dick first, except he only managed to get the first few words of his tirade out. Lily calmly standing and snap kicking him straight under the chin. An accurate assessment of the situation would be that he flew. At least eight feet back, landing on the sidewalk with a slap.  

Lily sat, picking up her drink and taking a sip. “He warned you, dude.” Winking at Angel, she noted how proud he looked of her ability to handle herself.

“Hey yo, fuck that shit, nah! You can’t go around kicking people in the face!” his friend cried, storming toward Lily.  

“One more step, homie,” Angel warned, about to fly across the table, bracing himself. 

“And what? I’ll get my boys down here, man!”

“Oh, you gon’ get your boys here?” He revealed his forearm, tapping the Mayans ink. “Then I’ll get mine. Get the fuck out of here, homeboy. Before I change my mind about not smacking you the fuck down for daring to rush my girl.”

“Yeah, I’ll sit this one out and let him handle it. Trust me, you don’t want him to handle it,” Lily advised, reaching for Angel’s hand across the table, waving with her other. “Bye, bye, asshole.” They had the sense to stagger away after that, muttering, a few other people whom were sitting outside looking at Lily approvingly, one man even getting up to jog over and offer his hand.  

“Very nicely done, ma’am,” he chuckled, Lily giggling as she shook his hand. “You got yourself a good girl here, bro.”

Angel smiled. “Don’t I just?” Lily sat there, quietly effervescing on the inside at Angel referring to her as his girl, and acknowledging her to be that to the man who’d referred to her as such. She knew she wasn’t strictly such yet, it was very early days between them, but it made her glimmer all the same. They stayed for a couple more before heading back to Lily’s place, Angel immediately fascinated with Charlie as soon as Lily walked in and let him jump from his cage onto her shoulder.  

“Be careful, he’s bitey with new people,” she warned, Angel leaning back a little.  

“’Sup, Charlie? How you doing?” he asked, Charlie surprising her greatly by lifting his wing.  

“He wants you to pet him.”  

Angel reached slowly, just in case the large, black beak made a beeline for his fingers, stroking the bird where long feathers met short, soft down.

“Who?” Charlie croaked, looking back at Lily.  

“This is Angel.” The bird clicked his beak a few times and then grasped onto Angel’s hand with his feet and began to patter down his arm.  

“Hi, hi, hi.” he chirped, Angel moving his other hand to continue the petting beneath his wing... and swiftly regretting it.  

“God damnit!” he hissed, Charlie snapping onto his little finger knuckle, Lily trying not to laugh.  

“Charlie, that’s bad! Don’t bite Angel, we like him. Angel is your buddy,” she corrected, Charlie scratching his head nonchalantly while Angel examined his finger. It was bleeding, but he could cope, sucking it as he side eyed the bird still sitting on his arm.  

“Grapes!”

“Oh, you ain’t getting shit from me now, bro!” Angel exclaimed, eyes widening.

Charlie rolled his eyes around, shaking his head, his comb fluttering. “Fuck you.” He couldn’t help but crack up at that, Lily snickering behind her hand.  

“Think you’re a real G, huh, Charlie?” The bird just scampered further up his arm, perching on his shoulder and whistling a few times, looking contented enough. Angel was on his guard for further attack, though, following Lily through to the kitchen.  

“Would you like a drink? I have coffee, loads of herbal teas, juice, vodka and tequila,” Lily offered, smiling when she felt his fingers trail her hip, Angel kissing her shoulder. Suddenly, he yelled, right into her ear.  

“Damnit, Charlie!”  

Lily turned, seeing him holding a hand to his ear, Charlie, in all his audacity, dancing on his shoulder with mirth, comb up, bobbing and squawking. “Okay, come here, jealous boy!” Tapping her shoulder, Charlie jumped over, Lily moving Angel’s hand to examine the damage. “Nah, you’re good. He got Carlos so badly one time, he needed a stitch! He can be jealous sometimes when people show me affection.”

“Yeah, you ain’t kidding! And I’ll take a tequila, please.” He viewed the bird suspiciously, taking his drink with thanks, Lily pouring herself a vodka and going to the fridge to fetch Charlie his snacks. She sensed he needed appeasing. Once he was pacified, she popped him back in his cage, pulling the blanket down so he’d settle, heading to her bathroom to douse a couple of pieces of cotton wool in antiseptic.  

“Come here,” she gestured, sticking one piece on his ear and the other against his finger, Angel grumbling immediately.  

“What is that shit, acid?” he complained, Lily tutting.

“For someone with what is very obviously a scar on his leg from being shot, you complain like a child over two teeny cuts.”

“It stings!” His exclamation was met with an eyeroll, although beneath, she was entertained at how dramatic he could be over something quite minor. She noticed that if an opportunity presented itself for Angel to get worked up about something, he usually took it.  

“Want me to take your mind off it?” Ahh, the grin. She knew that’d have the desired effect.  

“Do you even need to ask?”  

Placing the pieces of slightly bled upon cotton onto the counter, she leaned to kiss his neck, unbuttoning the dark blue plaid shirt he was wearing, kissing his chest as it was revealed to her, tackling his belt next as she crouched. “I’ll just be down here, then.” He finished his drink, setting the glass down, hands combing through the long, dark silk of her hair, inhaling sharply through his nose when she took him into her mouth and sucked. He was fully hard in mere seconds.  

She eyed him prettily through her fluttery, long lashes, running her tongue in a sumptuous glide up the underside of his shaft, watching his pupils begin to dilate, his lips parting upon a deep moan. Her thumbs toured the ridges of muscle creasing his hips, soft, explorative glides in time with her lips sliding along his cock, his eyes closing as his head tipped back. God, how could one woman be so good? If his cock could have spoken to him telepathically in that moment, it would have told him that if he messed this up, it’d never, ever forgive him.  

Her nails glided up his chest, pinching his nipples as her mouth quickened, tongue pressing, lips firming around him, sucking from base to tip with a soft moan, her huge, blue eyes staring up at him. His hands tightened in her hair, teeth gritted through low moans, his hips swaying forward against her mouth as he felt himself starting to flourish, his chest heaving as he panted hard. As if she could get him there that quickly. Fuck.  

“Yeah, cum for me, Angel. Fucking make me choke on it.” Those words sent him straight to nirvana, taking him deep and sucking hard until he spilled into her throat with an almost helpless groan, his thighs trembling as he came so hard, he had to let go of her hair and reach back to brace himself against the counter.  

“Jesus Christ,” he panted. “You’re way too good at that.”  

Lily grinned, pleased with herself, picking up her drink and sinking it before sauntering from the kitchen, undressing and letting her clothes fall upon the path he took to follow her. The gradual strip prompted the same of his own, both naked by the time they got to her bedroom, Angel taking a little glance around. Deep grey and white, tranquil, relaxing, although he didn’t plan on doing much of that for the rest of the night.  

He stroked her arms, leaning down to kiss the side of her neck. “Get on the bed.”

Something pleasant ran through her in a shiver. “Oh, so he’s forceful tonight.”

“He is.” The confirmation was sealed by the glide of his tongue along the outer rim of her ear, his fingertips stroking swirls over her tits. “Now, get on the bed.”  

She did as he instructed, climbing on, Angel shaking his head. “Turn over, ass up.” Immediately, she corrected, her insides glowing with arousal. “There you go, much better. Exactly how I’ve wanted you all fucking night.” He lay on his front behind her, lifting himself up on his forearms, laying a lick up the back of her thigh, watching the pale flesh become flecked with goosepimples, the smell of her sex intoxicating to him, kissing the pert round of her butt cheek, licking his thumb and then dragging it through her slit, circling at her clit.  

Her mouth dropped open, a soft moan of pure beauty fluttering from between her parted lips, his teeth laying a soft bite against the hard muscle of her rump before she felt his tongue swirl her opening. He pushed it within, a low groan rattling his throat when he felt her yield and flutter, taking a mouthful of her in a hungry suck before tongue fucking her again.

Moving his thumb, his tongue skimmed a soft lick over her clit, just once, watching her pretty little hole twitch, pressing the flat of his tongue against her and dragging slowly, her mewl an utter delight to his ears. He could feel his cock beginning to stiffen again, sucking at her, a hand slapping hard off her ass cheek, remembering how much she’d loved it before, Lily feeling like she was becoming slowly gilded in erotic divinity. How was he this good?

She paid no mind to furtherly questioning his prowess, rather enjoying it instead. The ceaseless licks of wet heat against her clit had her softly wailing, his hand spanking hard, Lily attempting to keep her thighs held firm, but suffered trembles as a result of the adroitness of his mouth. He moved to lie beneath her, pushing against her knees with his elbows, tongue rubbing a flat lick from side to side over her clit, two fingers sliding into the wet clutch of her cunt, his other hand spanking her a few more times before it switched places with the left, Angel using his well-soaked fingers to push into her ass.  

“Oh my fucking god!” she whimpered, little jolts streaking through her, his moan rumbling a soft vibration against her bud as he sucked it, fingers gliding from both holes in the sweetest of tandem.  

“Lily?”

“Yeah?” she breathed, her voice tremoring a little.  

“Can I bang you up the butt?” Oh, Angel. Sexual talent in shades? Yes, he had that. Eloquence with words? Not so much. She couldn’t help but burst out laughing. “What?”

“You! ‘Can I bang you up the butt’, oh my god!” she cried, somewhere between laughing and moaning as he continued.  

He snorted softly, snickering a little too. “It’s a perfectly reasonable question!”  

“It’s the way you said it!”

“Oh, pardon the fuck out of my wording, mamacita,” he began, shifting beneath her until he was level with her face. “Lily, baby, please may I slip my cock straight up your pretty little asshole? Is that any better for you?” The way he eyed her, one eyebrow tilted up significantly higher than the other had her in utter hysterics, taking a moment to collapse against his chest in a fit of giggles.  

“You may, yes,” she eventually replied, shifting off of him. “Hold on, I have lube in the naughty box.”

Angel’s ears pricked up immediately at the mention of a naughty box. “Oh? And what else do you have in this so-called naughty box?” he watched as she pulled a large, heavy box from beneath the bed, flicking the clasps and throwing it open to reveal an array of toys. “Yeah, you got everything. I’m helping myself to this, though, and gimmie that lube.” Grasping the butt plug he saw in there, nothing that the jewel at the end of it matched her eyes perfectly, he grinned, sliding back beneath her again, taking the bottle of lube with him too.

“Not intimidated by my naughty box, well, there’s a first,” she commented, Angel laughing a little.

“Why the fuck would I be? It’s moulded silicone and things that buzz. Ain’t no replacement for a flesh and blood man, but damn, I spied a few other things in there I have absolutely no problem with using on you as well.”  

“Some guys aren’t so cool with the idea,” she noted, exclaiming softly when she felt the slippery point of the plug pushed against her.  

“I ain’t some guys. Your little gizmos aren't my competition, they’re my occasional co-pilots.” Anything she might have liked to reply with was knocked from her throat by the moan that bubbled up, feeling herself breeched as he pushed the plug fully inside her, his tongue connecting with a sweeping lick through her folds, hand spanking her frivolously. It felt too good, her tight passage flexed around the plug, his fingers slipping back within the hug of her wetness, tongue circling her clit firmly.  

She didn’t think it could get better, until he grasped onto the end of the plug and began moving it from side to side, her slick muscles locking around his fingers, her cries amping up, Angel experiencing the usual thrill from hearing just how mindless he was driving the woman he was with. It was even better now it was with someone he genuinely liked a lot. Every moment with Lily, and he felt himself pulled in closer.  

And it was only a little scary, rather than the usual overwhelming feeling of doom.  

In fact, the only thing he felt right then was the consuming desire to be inside of her, moving out from under her gently shuddering body to kneel behind her, gripping her hips as he slid into her fully, hand coming down to spank her hard. Oh, how she hollered in response. He felt like he was about to cum on the spot, just from that. Feeling the pressure of the plug against his cock through the thin membrane separating was almost too good, his fingertips flexing against her skin as he fucked her with long, even strokes, continuing to spank her, hard slaps leaving big, red hand prints behind, just how she liked it.  

He had her shuddering pleasantly, her breath hitching, the anticipation of each spank rolling though her like a ball of warm sparkles, her pulse flipping madly as her hands grasped at the bed covers beneath her. Excitement electrified her like a live current, the drag of his cock through her fluttering wetness absolutely exquisite, Angel slowing, giving her all-in, all-out thrusts, knowing he was driving pure heat to dance as a blaze of embers across her nerve endings, stroking her clit with the tip of his cock before fluidly sliding back in again, pounding her voraciously, before once again, it all became slow.  

He continued this until he had pure ecstasy fizzing through her, his own arousal beginning to spiral, retreating from her and grasping the plug, gently pulling it from her. Turning her over, he hauled her up to rest on his thighs, leaning forward to kiss her.  

“Damn, you’re too fine.” His compliment preceded another kiss, Lily stroking his neck with her nails, panting against his tongue, her breath hitching when he straightened up, beginning to push slowly into her, her narrow passage opened from the plug, but not so much that her eyebrows didn’t knit together at the extra widening needed to take him anally. He kept slow as he gradually inched his way in, reading her bodily reactions and facial expressions, stopping if she looked or sounded pained, waiting for her to adjust.

“Oh fuck… oh my god, that’s amazing!” she exclaimed, the sensation absolutely incredible to her as he continued to keep on slipping in. “Okay, I don’t think I can take much more now.” She then hissed, feeling a little uncomfortably full, but still, the pleasure, the tingles. She was in rapture.

“Well, mamacita, you’ve got most of me. Fuck, you take a cock so well in your ass, you dirty girl.” He growled, leaning forward to kiss her hungrily, excitement washing over him as he began to slide out slowly once more, gripping her hips as he groaned gutturally.

It was all encompassing pleasure, entrenched in erotic heat, his thumb moving to her clit to rub a slow, firm circle, making her mewl softly, a precursor to the most animalistic cry he’d ever heard come from her mouth as he began to speed up the motions of his cock.

He only thrilled her further by pushing two fingers into her sumptuous heat, her cunt gripping them strongly as he raked her pulsing walls, Lily not able to remember anything feeling better than what her gorgeous new lover was bestowing upon her in that moment. Everything became torridly uncontained, both chasing their release until the point of fiery consumption, the ultimate feelings of nirvana rushing through them both, Angel pulling his cock from within her and finishing all over her tits, collapsing at her side, unable to breathe.

“Damn... where the hell have you been for the last ten years of my life?” he panted, Lily turning to him, unable to speak for a moment.  

“Give me a minute,” she whispered, chest still heaving. “I’m so dick drunk right now.” He burst into immediate hysterics, watching her flounder a little more. “I’m here now. I’m also in need of a shower. And food. You hungry?”

“I could eat,” he confessed, resting up on his elbows as he reached to stroke her hair.  

“Good. I’m gonna order a pizza, take a shower, and then come back here and eat it in bed. I feel like watching something, too. Ahhh, yeah! There it is!” Hoping up off the bed, she went to her shelves and pulled out a DVD, revealing it to Angel. The Five Deadly Venoms.  

“No shit, you like kung fu movies?” he exclaimed, pleasantly surprised.  

“Like ‘em? They’re my cinematic passion!”  

Twenty-five minutes later, and he was eating a slice of hot pizza with everything on it, Lily lying between his legs, her head rested on his chest, the opening sequence of the film playing out. Yes. Where the hell had this woman been for the last ten years? He could have done with finding someone like her a lot sooner than he had.  

[obstinaterixatrix]

ok I need to go to sleep. but first. I need to do a close reading of ‘next to you’ from wise guys.

so ‘next to you’ happens pretty early in the show. plot-wise, addison and wilson mizner went to alaska to pan for gold, actually got rich, then lost it all in a game of poker. in second vaudeville, addison and wilson part ways, addison returning home to their mother, wilson going off because he refuses to go home empty-handed.

this song still exists in bounce, but was cut from road show. which is a huge shame—not only is it a wonderful tune with some really stand-out lyrics, it does a fantastic job establishing/reinforcing characterization and family dynamics. it’s also weaker in bounce because it ends up cramming ‘my two young men’ in the middle instead of being a reprise of it, which means ‘I don’t know which one I love more’ gets dropped in the middle and not just at the end, which cuts the impact of the line, and I’m getting off track. ok back to wise guys

with competition between the brothers being emphasized, I think sondheim did a REALLY good job showing addison being overshadowed by wilson and modifying his approach as a result. he knows mama mizner like adventure, so he opens with a straightforward (embellished) description—it’s wilson that hijacks the song and turns it around to being about mama mizner. that’s one of the fundamental differences between addison and wilson; addison’s tailoring to what (he thinks) she asks for, and wilson’s tailoring to what she wants. or, rather than tailoring, wilson and mama mizner just operate on the same wavelength, and it’s not one that comes naturally to addison.

so after wilson thoroughly hijacks the song, addison tries to cut in with a new approach, he goes from describing the aurora borealis and the “fairyland” of alaska to: “every moment I was digging, frozen to the bone, digging all alone, all that I could do was think of being—” and it’s him trying to emphasize adventure still but he’s obviously trying to follow wilson’s lead in making this about mama mizner now; he worked and suffered and was thinking about her. but he doesn’t even get to finish his sentence before willie cuts in again (lol). side note, my favorite line in this song is wilson’s “next to you/moonlight on the snow is unexciting/next to you/the moon is just an accident of lighting” like man. phenomenal.

anyway, in the next part (after mama mizner starts incorporating ‘my two young men’ into the song) addison completely abandons using his own methods and just ends up parroting wilson, and then they diverge again; addison’s “I will come and live with you” and wilson’s “I’ll leave you alone”. and in this divergence, there’s the ONLY time wilson echoes addison instead of addison echoing wilson, the line “anything you want”, but then addison diverges from wilson with “tell me what you want”. and after THAT line is when mama mizner drops “I don’t know which one I love more”. and that’s the pattern. wilson’s secure, addison’s insecure, and mama mizner reinforces the dynamic by providing no *meaningful* assurance; she’ll say reasons she loves them both, but her favoritism is obvious. and this thread is continued on through ‘isn’t he something’, not only through the subject of the song but the interaction that happens in the middle (WHICH GETS CUT. COMPLETELY. WHICH WAS A HUGE MISTAKE!!) like I consider it very important for mama mizner to double down when *directly faced* with addison’s inferiority complex. actually while you’re here listen to ‘isn’t he something’

[just-my-latest-hyperfixation]

I nEvEr GeT aSk GaMe StUfF

✨🦋🌿🎀💝💥💎💌

Geee, alright already! 🤣🤣🤣

✨What's a fic you've posted you wish you could breathe life into again and have people talking about it? (or simply a fic you wish got more credit)

Okay, first things first, I'm pretty satisfied with how all of my fics have been perceived so far, so I can't really complain. 

That being said: Someone who cares is doing significantly less good than Hic sunt dracones, statistics-wise. It is my own emotional support fic and incredibly close to my heart, so I really am delighted about every positive comment I get about it. 

🦋what are you most insecure about when you post a fic?

Erm, everything? Can I say everything? 🤣

I'm literally a nervous wreck after posting, anxiously hitting F5 and waiting for feedback, mind in a constant loop of self-doubt.

What if my characterization is off?

What if the premise sucks?

What if my readers don't like the direction I'm taking the story? 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!! 

🌿how does creating make you feel?

So many things!!! 

For one thing, it scratches the brain itch. I’ve always had to create things, as far back as I remember. When I was a kid, my parents could stick me in a corner with some paper and scissors and crayons and glue and wouldn’t hear from me for hours. 

Even during the 15 years that I didn’t write, I always had to be doing something creative. Knitting, painting, drawing, photographing, you name it. It’s an urge that I need to fulfill and I get crabby if I can’t. 

Seeing the end results makes me feel insanely proud and accomplished. It may not be perfect, but I made that! I sunk my teeth into it and saw it through and made this wonderful thing that I love. 

🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing

How dare you make me say nice things about myself?! 

Okay … I guess my writing does something to other people that makes them want to create their own stuff. People have repeatedly told me that reading my fics kickstarted their own imagination into creating stories or art of their own. And every time that happens, I get so incredibly happy because that is like a god-tier compliment right there! That somebody found my writing so engaging that it made their brain spin off on a tangent and they created something out of it! 

💝what is a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

Dragons! Dragons dragons dragons dragoooooons!!!! 

The feedback I am getting for this fic just won’t stop blowing my mind, seriously, and every time I think it’s done, you guys hit me in right in the feels again with your gorgeous comments and rec lists mentions and fucking FANART! I am incredibly happy and humbled and awed that people are loving it so much! 

💥find your least kudos'd fic - say something wonderful about it.

That would be Someone like you, which is a little bonus story to Someone who cares. It's a purely self-indulgent little one-shot featuring married Steddie and a baby. This universe is my emotional support AU and I loved visiting the boys again. 💕

💎why is writing important to you?

Wow, where to start? 

Because it's incredibly fun and allows me to completely immerse myself in the story I'm creating. Because I get to be self-indulgent and spoil myself and make the story exactly like I want it to be. 

And because I have met so many amazing, creative, lovely ppl through it over the past few months, who bring me joy and make me smile every single day.

I honestly don't know how I could ever go without it for so long! 

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

Okay, so I'm still firmly stuck on the demon!Eddie brainworm and fully planning on turning it into a chaptered fic. I'm still figuring out a lot of the specifics, but I've already got some nice twists and details planned. There'll be demon besties Eddie and Chrissy, a nice side of Buckingham, lots of smutty goodness, Dustin running a mystery YouTube channel and so much more, it will be glorious! 

[modgirlyreposts-revamped]

Rian lore time + a moodboard I made for him and some extras because ik he’s ur fave

Rian is an autistic transgender man from Ennis County Clare, where he grew up with divorced parents and his childhood best friend Kira. (I’ve been debating if I want Kira to be his sister, or just a childhood friend he sees like a sister whose parents are especially close with Rian’s. Either way, they would have been raised more as just friends than siblings as they would have been distant.) His three main traits are borderline, eccentric, and passionate.

Despite his name’s references to royalty, he grew up middle class at best and feeing completely useless and good for nothing. He has a bad relationship with his parents, and most everyone around him, because he grew up abused by everyone close to him and everyone meant to take care of him failed to help him. He was verbally abused by family members, heavily bullied by peers, and even people meant to be his friends abused him. He never felt like he could tell his parents, and they didn’t know until it had become severe enough anyone cared enough to intervene. He feels like his parents hate him anyway, since he thinks he ruined their relationship. He holds a lot of resentment toward everyone who was in his life in that time, and it confuses him that his writing talent was upheld as some phenomenal thing when he was actively being treated like shit. This is why he views his talent as sort of a separate entity from himself, and doesn’t feel like he deserves any of the accomplishments he’s gotten. See where the impostor syndrome takes hold? He already has a sort of black and white view of the world, and this influences his low self esteem and insecurity.

He believes his writing is the only thing he’s good for, but unlike Kamiko, who pushes herself to be the paragon of intellectual excellence everyone sees her as over being a person at all let alone a teenage girl, it just makes him feel like a failure as a person as he feels such a disconnect between himself and his talent that he has total impostor syndrome. He sees himself as below others, and he has low self esteem and an inferiority complex as a result, and all of this manifests as a lack of confidence, defensiveness, general insecurity, poor relationships and reckless behavior. He shields himself from everything like Kamiko does to prevent himself from being hurt or ruining anything.

But he’s also a very, very emotional and passionate person. He sees this as a fault, being unable to detach and constantly getting “fucked by my stupid heart.” While this makes him feel helpless and is embarrassing, it’s also a strength. When he cares about something he loves it with all his heart, and he will fight to a dying breath for that. His emotional drive gives him the will to risk his own life for a loved one. It’s both a painful thing for him and a good thing that he has to learn to accept, as he has to accept that these talents aren’t everything and at the end of the day he is a person. This is wish fulfillment. I am an extremely emotional person and I wish I could come to terms with that being a part of me. I cannot.

I am very similar to Rian's emotional side especially with willing to risk myself for someone I love, since as I tend to say "I may be a failure, but if I can protect those I care about then I did something right"

People have tried to take advantage of that aspect of me before, which is why I'm a lot more closed off than I used to be

[mypunkpansexualtwin]

hi logan ! i’m a lil late for the ttrpg meme but 39 - 42 for thaavia pls ??

Sam. Sam I love you, don't worry about being late, the timing on this was perfect, I was having... not a great night and this definitely helped.

Under a cut cause this got beefy. And anyone who wants to send me these, there's a link to the ask game at the bottom!

39. are they insecure about their appearance? how about their personality? what aspects specifically worry them?

Picked a great one right off the bat for sure. She's definitely not insecure about her appearance. She's not arrogant either, and knows full well that since she's built like a bear (both in the animal way and in the gay way) she's not exactly Standard Pretty. She knows she's not everyone's thing, but who is? Thaavia likes how she looks, and while she may not be the kind of person making folks swoon in the streets, she's also never been short of potential partners when she wanted one either. (Also she knows that even if she's not someone's type, there's no denying she has amazing hair. She busts her ass to keep it nice even while traveling, it's her one big vanity.)

As far as being insecure about her personality, that's... a tougher question. For most of her career as a medic/healer paladin, she's had a fair few cases of patients Reading Into It when she was just doing her job. There's been a fair (or rather unfair) bit of getting put on a pedestal by someone who just sort of assumed they knew what she was like and having a fairly brutal reality check that they rarely took well. So she's worked hard on putting up a front of being cold, distant, and gruff to try and nip that in the bud. And she's gotten very good at it. (16 charisma and she uses all of it to be a bitch.)

Either way, the end result is the same; most folks don't bother to get close enough to see her, to the point where she can see where the line is drawn on someone's perception of her, whether it's Thaavia they see or Paladin Godbarter™. I wouldn't go so far as to say insecure, because to me that feels more active than just a lack of confidence, but that could just be my own nitpick. Regardless, she never expects it when someone A) bothers to look past Paladin Godbarter™ to see the person under the reputation, and B) prefers Thaavia to the version of herself people like to build her up to be.

As far as what worries her, she's got some rough stuff in her past and some bad habits that she just... never fed rather than properly breaking and she's terrified that in the right situation they'll make themselves known again. All during her childhood she was raised being told she'd be a great leader to their tribe one day if she'd just learn to make The Hard Decisions, and while she prides herself on her greatest rebellion against her upbringing being her mercy, she also remembers exactly how she almost listened, what that choice almost cost, and what that promise could possibly bring out in her again. (I will not elaborate on specifics in the ask because Kade. I've been itching to reveal the big dramatic backstory stuff in game for over a year now. I really want to talk about it tho, so I could definitely be convinced outside of an ask.)

40. if you had to remake this character right now, how would you change them?

Probably not a lot of huge changes, actually. Maybe tweak her height a little (still freakishly tall even for a goliath, either down to 8 feet even or up to 8'6 just so she's the same height as Lucy while kneeling, because I enjoy when Kade threatens me with violence), possibly make her just a tiny bit older, an even 40 rather than 38. Maybe change her subclass to Redemption paladin rather than Devotion, but even that's a coin toss because both are Incredibly Thematic for her, but also mildly moot considering I plan on changing her to a homebrew of my own as part of her arc (Oath of Hubris, it's a whole thing that I'd love to go further in depth about.)

Also, I'd probably see about putting my foot down and making her and her fire genasi partner Thyris parents. Velita may not be canon, but she lives on in my heart.

41. how do you keep notes for this character, if at all?

.......I have. So many notes. I have the shared character document for her and her twin brother that details their backstory, NPCs to pull from, and tidbits of goliath culture stuff I made up for our setting and the DM went "Yeah I dig that, yoink." I have the actual in-game notes that I've been taking for, again, over a year at this point (two years in february) and a refined notes document I really need to finish and share with the rest of the table because my Stream of Consciousness style of typing is uh. Not super conducive to looking for specific details without a LOT of Ctrl+F and luck. I've got a document that's literally just her in-character journal of medical/herbal knowledge in the front half and scraps of poetry, songs, and books that she's jotted down because she loved them enough to not want to forget them. And, of course, 80% of my discord dms between me and Kade for the last two-ish years have been about Lucy and Thaavia that I can go back to.

I take so many notes. Otherwise the brain gremlins eat the thoughts so I can't get them back.

42. can they dance?

Oh definitely. It's not her first pick and she's not gonna be particularly dazzling with it, but she knows how to lead, how to follow, and how not to step on toes. That partner of hers I mentioned, Thyris? He's a bard. (Technically Bard/Sorcerer, with a significantly heavier leaning into sorc, but the point still stands.) He made sure she at least knew enough to keep from looking silly. Plus it was, and continues to be, a great excuse to just hold dance with her for several hours.

And to the rest of y'all, please for the love of god send me some more, I am chewing on the walls since all my dnd games keep getting cancelled for one reason or another!