#as much as i love external validation i feel afraid that even my most loved ones will secretly hate me if my art devolves

[hypnowave]

making proportional, neatly lined, colored and shaded art pieces of my original characters is not enough i need to vomit brightly colored paint all over cheap art store canvasses & make 7 billion wonky clay pots that will explode in the kiln & weave ropes into intricate macrame textiles just to set them on fire & sew together unsightly clothing articles of clashing patterns and textures & make handmade recycled paper & build wooden plane miniatures while trying not to choke on wood chips

[snailstriad]

Connections Between Novel and Current Milgram

Alright, it's theory time. While it's not confirmed yet, after Kotoko's music video, I am certainly sure that the two novels and our current Milgram are connected. Because their motives fit so well? Maybe some of you know about our "snails theory," right? If not or if you've forgotten about it, please take a look at it too! [in our twitter under the same name] (I must say that some parts of the theory (e.g the voices part) are wrong, but it is a theory after all.) To summarize, we think Haruka, Muu, Shidou, Amane, and Mikoto's beliefs and mindsets come from the first novel, and Yuno, Fuuta, Mahiru, Kazui, and Kotoko's mindsets and their thoughts resemble the second novel. First of all, please do not forget that we are not connecting crimes. Maybe you can see similarities but I, too, believe crimes and storyline different(not completely because of Touchi) from our current trials. This theory is only about mindsets. Well, let's start with 1st novel characters.

Our first prisoner, Gentle. He is a very emotional man to me. And killing a man, who is about to kill a woman. Of course this is pure coincidence but the thought of killing one life to save the others is bugging me. Because of this, I feel like there is a parallel between Gentle and Shidou.

Nervous. Her anxiety of being useless and a failure is similar to Muu actually. Another point that these two have in common is wanting to be appreciated. This desire for acknowledgment adds a psychological layer, suggesting how much external validation influences their thoughts and actions.

Considering that Close and Gentle are siblings, you might think I've lost my mind for what I'm about to say next, but yes, I believe Close and Amane have similar thought patterns. Let's look at the events this way: Close is someone who would do anything and everything to get the person she loves. However, after all the events, she no longer fears suffering. In fact, she wanted to experience pain and didn't seek help. This reminds me a lot of Amane. Maybe in the future, I'll prepare a separate theory for Amane, but I always felt that in that famous electric shock scene, Amane was afraid of pain, so it seemed like she was trying to comply with the rules. However, after her father's death, and of course, when she came to Milgram, she tried not to fear pain and even attempted to surpass the help she received.

The next prisoner, in my opinion, is probably the easiest to connect among all the characters: Two-Face. Initially, I had wondered besides the name, what similarities there could be with Mikoto, but then I realized I had overlooked the most important thing. Both of them were unaware of the consequences of their actions. As you know, Mikoto was completely oblivious to everything. On the other hand, Two-Face genuinely didn't know that what he was attempting could lead to an actual murder.

Our last character from the first novel is Torch. Firstly, when we saw less of Torch's story and mindset compared to the second novel, I couldn't liken him to anyone. However, later, with the release of the second novel, I understood that the reason Torch's (or Touchi's) life was saved was Milgram. Through Milgram, he found the love he had been seeking for a long time, thanks to Sumi. When I look at this child who has no one in his life, I see Haruka. Both are individuals without anyone and in need of love. Additionally, Milgram, who saved Touchi, also saved the first trial Haruka. The lack of self-confidence he had when he first arrived was overcome thanks to Milgram.

Our first prisoner in the second novel: Tatsumi. I might exceed my thread limit before finishing listing the commonalities with Fuuta. First, let's talk about how both perceive their crimes as a symbol of justice. For those who haven't read it, I'll give a brief overview of the common theme in the second novel: all the characters' crimes are based on a kind of murder trend called "justifiable righteous murder." When Touchi asks him what justice means, Tatsumi responds, "Justice is a social media hashtag." Most likely, you've already understood where I'm going with this: both share similar thoughts about the concept of justice. Another shared aspect is that both constantly question the concept of justice they possess.

Rina and Mei, since they share the same trial, I'll continue without separating them. In my previous theory, I talked about how Yuno and Mahiru are opposites of each other, yet still closely connected. The same holds true for Rina and Mei; they are almost opposites, but their attitudes towards all these events are still the same. It's similar to Yuno and Mahiru; Yuno has a very cold personality while Mahiru is the opposite. However, when it comes to Milgram and its rules, both pairs' thoughts align remarkably.

Alright, this was the person I found the most challenging to connect among all the prisoners: Tomonari. Because, honestly, when I first looked at him, nothing came to mind except the word "psychopath." However, if you look at Tomonari's actions, despite all the darkness within, he never tried to kill anyone until the very end, somewhat keeping his "true personality" hidden. You might get upset with me, I know, but I associate him with Kazui. As I mentioned, this theory is not about the crimes they committed. Kazui, too, chose to lie and conceal his true self until the very end of his life. In my view, they are similar because of these choices they made.

Finally, the last prisoner, Mako. First, I can't go without mentioning that, in Kotoko's MV, I saw Kotoko closely following the "Justifiable Righteous Murder" trend created by Mako (even looking at the news of Tatsumi's murder). Both of the characters are individuals willing to kill for the goals they have set in their minds. Additionally, both characters closely follow the workings of Milgram and manipulate it in line with their own interests.

[a-bucket-full-of-feels]

"I love Mizore's oboe" - a deep dive on the "I love you" hug scene in Liz and the Bluebird

Because this movie lives in my head rent-free from time to time, I decided to explore the different interpretations of Nozomi's response in the above-mentioned scene. Some of these were inspired by other analyses I've read elsewhere, whereas others are based on my own perspective.

1. The shape of Nozomi's love for Mizore isn't the same as the shape of Mizore's love for Nozomi

This is perhaps the most straightforward interpretation and also my first thoughts when I watched the scene. All this while, Nozomi is unaware of how much she means to Mizore because Mizore struggles to communicate her feelings to her, so she bases the strength of their friendship on what ties them together - playing in concert band. Additionally, Nozomi is someone who craves external validation on whatever she does (e.g. her proficiency on the flute) - for example, she seeks Niiyama-sensei's implicit approval when she expresses interest in music school, and in the beginning of season 2, prior to rejoining the band, she plays her flute on the school balcony, a place where anyone can hear her. Similarly, she projects this worldview of hers to her relationship with Mizore. So when she hears Mizore tell her everything she loves about her but not a word about how she loves how she plays the flute, it completely breaks down how she thinks about her relationship with Mizore, and after she blurts out her honest thoughts, she bursts into laughter and thanks Mizore. She laughs partly at the realisation of all this, and also in relief that Mizore's love for her is in no way tied to how well she plays the flute. This is in light of her realisation that her musical talent pales in comparison to Mizore's, who has been holding herself back all this while.

2. Nozomi said that to let Mizore (i.e. the bluebird) free

Another popular perspective is that Nozomi said those words to Mizore to figuratively unlock the cage as Liz in order to set the Bluebird free and fly away. Being keenly aware that Mizore has been holding back her full potential on the oboe the entire time because she's afraid to lose her current friendship with Nozomi (the sole reason why she plays the oboe up to this point), she cuts off Mizore's rambling confession with a single "I love Mizore's oboe". By doing so, she's telling her "Please don't hold yourself back, and I want you to go to music school even without me." It's a bittersweet take, but it's what makes this film so beautiful.

3. By saying she loves Mizore's oboe, she also means she loves everything about her

This interpretation of mine is a bit of a cope, though I've briefly explored it in the last chapter of my Nozomizo fic "Dissonance" (yes this is a shameless plug for my fics on ao3, I've written a few new Hibike fics recently and comments/kudos are always welcome). Up till this point, the sole reason why Mizore plays the oboe is for Nozomi, and Mizore pours in so much of herself into her oboe playing, to the point where it's a reflection of her current state of emotions. In a sense, when Mizore plays her oboe, she and her oboe are one. So by saying that she loves Mizore's oboe, Nozomi implies that she loves everything about her, and also appreciates Mizore for loving her the way she does by playing the oboe for her sake.

Conclusion:

The beauty of the "I love you" hug scene is that there can be multiple interpretations of the same conversation, and all are valid interpretations that all point to one thing - this moment marks an important change in the way Nozomi and Mizore see their relationship. I'm sure there are many more perspectives others have about this scene that are equally valid, but these are the ones that are more popular and/or based on my own perspective after watching this film thrice and this particular scene many more times.

[bengiyo]

Our Dating Sim Eps 7 & 8 (Finale) Stray Thoughts

Last week, our boys finally began dating and unpacking what happened between them. It was glorious. I've always wanted to see a second chance couple start to fall back into their former comfortable dynamics and shift how they felt with new perspective. Also, Shin Ki Tae is so forthright about his feelings that I love him the most. Now, we stare down an external complication that may pull them apart again.

Episode 7

I'm really glad we checked in with the other high school friends. It's normal for boys to try and turn Wan's painful disappearance into some sort of game to cover how hurt Ki Tae was. I like that one of them hasn't forgotten how upset Ki Tae was.

Also loving the internal monologue that Ki Tae is afraid to confront the disappearance because he's afraid of Wan disappearing again.

Episode 7: At the Crossroads of Choice

I appreciate this guy following up with Wan for this opportunity now that circumstances have changed. While he's not wrong about the apparent temporary nature of Wan's role in this company, it's still kinda lame to be like, "You're good enough for us now."

Wan holding on to a green pillow as they cuddle, while privately wrestling with the offer, is not lost on me.

Ki Tae is so valid for being direct about wanting Wan to stay.

I get Wan worrying about what might happen, and I really just love Ki Tae so much. Like how often do we spend hours of shows with boys not just saying they're afraid of their partner leaving them again?

Unlike GAP, this show is using Dutch angles well to highlight how uncomfortable both of them are right now.

Seeing Shin Ki Tae go through losing Wan again hurts.

This is just so good. I feel like Ki Tae has been through counseling with how clearly he understands his feelings.

Oh, I really like using the fail state pressure if you don't make a choice.

Episode 8

Episode 8: The Conclusion of the Game

My girl Sunny knows shit is going on, and she is going to meddle!

The bit about searching for meaning in creating art with the PD is amusing.

On the real, I'm glad Wan is making the choice for Ki Tae and didn't tell him about it before making it.

Oh, the log of the moments he missed Kit Tae got me.

Yes! We are back on the roof where things broke! I'm going to explode!!

The gays are really demolishing the rooftop kiss these days.

Ki Tae's hands are rather vascular.

One year later and they still aren't sharing the bed!

Okay! I saw that butt pat!

I think I liked a time skip to show a couple settling into a dynamic.

Oh I liked the final stage imagining what they could have had.

Final Verdict: 10, This Show Has Everything. This is exactly what I want out of a short run show. It has characters with clear notices and goals. It has a conflict that is easy to follow, and delves directly into its core conceits with heart and a sense of humor. Shin Ki Tae may be one of my favorite characters of the year, and that's with everything we watched in winter! They even kiss with gusto! Absolutely stellar experience, and my new standard for optimistic second chance romance.

[eeblouissant]

15, 19, and 20 for the golden wives if you want!! That ask game is so cute omg

“do they always say I love you before leaving (a room, the house, etc)?”

Yes!! oh yes & all three of them do it in different ways imo!

Dorothy isn’t afraid to tell either (or both) of them that she loves them, it’s getting into specific thoughts & feelings that intimidates her (& ends in her shutting herself off most times). So she does, but she will never leave a room completely until the other(s) confirm that they’ve heard her. Yelling an ‘i love you (both)’ across the room & getting a response can be enough for her. Rose will normally come running to give her a quick kiss & Blanche follows behind to admire!! Not that she doesn’t also want to steal a kiss, and she will if she feels so inclined, but sometimes standing back & getting the look from Dorothy for smiling so unashamed while roses smothers her is exactly what she wants (she’s a little menace, I don’t make the rules I just follow them).

Rose is just the sweetest of sweethearts (as if that even needs to be said), neither of them leave the house (& most rooms) without a kiss, an I love you, and very often a ‘where are you going?’ (Because she wants to come with!! By the time she’s said that she’s already up & on her feet). She follows the both of them around the house a lot, so they’re never really out of her sight. But when they do leave the house without her she showers them in affection. Hugs & kisses, helping with their coats & shoes, last minute touch ups to hair & makeup, making sure there’s not a thing in the world they could possibly need before they leave– all of it!!

Blanche would be similar to Rose, but heavier on the physical touch side of things. Reaching out for hands/arms/wrists, so so many kisses. But I think hugs are her favourite before one of them leaves the house. Leaving a room I don’t think she’s as conscious of it (saying anything), but she always makes sure they’re a little loved on before leaving the house without her! I think she’d rather tag along whenever she can, so she’s never really saying goodbye to them.

‘How do they feel about PDA?’

oh boy. I think they’re very torn on this one:

For Dorothy it depends, but for the most part it’s a huge nono. Based on my own observation (& a hint of my own hcs) she seems to put her walls up impossibly higher when she’s outside of the house. So anything that could possibly send them crumbling down she’d avoid like the plague (or in this case, give a very stern warning to. Which she wouldn’t enjoy doing, especially not to either of them and especially not to poor Rose. Blanche understands, but rose seems to take it a little harder even after it clicks). I think there’s a chance of her warming up to the idea of a quick kiss on the cheek or linking arms, but it would never go very far on her part. & the others know (and would never cross) that! They know that if Dorothy is interested she’ll make it known.

Rose doesn’t hide her love for them, why would she? & in public the most of that energy gets thrown Blanches’ way (after she comes to understand Dorothy’s situation a little better, she’d never want to make her feel uncomfortable. The guilt would eat her alive). She shows the most affection towards Blanche but always makes sure that Dorothy knows that rose knows she’s also there. & that she loves her just as much. They share a look, & Dorothy smiles, & that’s enough for them.

Blanche, to me, is less touchy than I think most would like to believe. She loves the feeling of having someone (rose, mostly) on her arm or being on (hers). Her & Rose initiate equally & respond similarly. But blanche loves knowing that others know that she’s in love, for one reason or another. She’s not searching for external validation necessarily, I think she’s just a bit possessive. (Dorothy would also be that way, if she became that comfortable. Sort of an internal yes, she’s on my arm because she’s my wife. Jealous?) (and oh how Blanche would feed off jealous looks).

‘Choose one song that perfectly describes their relationship’

only one?!!! must I???

Because I can’t choose only one, I’m giving them each a song that I think describes their relationship perfectly from their perspective:

Dorothy: meadows in bloom by Jonathan Bree.

Rose: a lots gonna change by Weyes Blood.

Blanche: get free by lana del rey.

[chipped-chimera]

Thought I'd do a little bit of a personal update! I'm doing the reorganising thing which is still slow but really motivating - enough that I'm having good energy days where I'm getting more done! I should be able to start work on the new fish tank soon!

More commentary/thoughts/where I'm going creatively below the cut. (It might be a bit heavy, you've been warned - check tags for more info)

EDIT: Fixed Tumblr borking this, now looks like how this WAS SUPPOSED TO oof

So I'm in the process of redoing my entire office just to fit this fish thank (which has now been leak tested so we're good to go), as well as reorganising based on tips I picked up from this book for people with ADHD that I've found massively helpful. Honestly it's been great for helping me just THROW SHIT OUT because while I can have my moments of ruthless detachment and clear inventory my family is very much a 'use/reuse/reappropriate' kind of deal, which while great often gives me hesitation throwing stuff out primarily because of that pressure - especially when I'm stuck living with them. Now I know it's necessary to get everything to a state where it will STAY organised.

It's also let me take inventory of the stupid amount of traditional media art supplies which have been sitting there since high school in near pristine unused condition (we are talking a LOT of very useable acrylic paints here) and get them all organised. After chatting with my psychologist yesterday I've bought more/replacements for things I had to throw out (literally dry as a bone markers) as she literally said she 'very much encouraged' my idea of starting a visual art diary to help process emotions and stuff.

I know over the years my inspiration to do stuff has withered, usually because it's been hammered by bad moods (caused primarily by external forces I could not control on top of my already battered neurology). I know now because of shit in my past that has been largely unresolved, art has never been an outlet for emotions for me because I'm so afraid of taking up space. Despite emotions being a powerful source for art, I rarely draw on them both because I have spent so much time trying not to feel them or hiding them because unfortunately my history is one of a lot of rejection, right down to a very young age where my caregivers should have been way more on the ball. It's helped me acknowledge my way of expressing love and affection is kind of fucked - when I feel close to someone or like them a lot it has the opposite effect where I instinctively want to pull away from them because I'm scared I'm going to 'ruin it', like my life is tainted and by associating with them I'll drag them down somehow. I know it's silly but it's very hard to get past because it's automatic - that was the only way I was guarenteed to get affection, if I was the most borin, biddable, palatable child in existence who caused no problems, even if it meant enduring physical and emotional pain alone. I inherently find it hard to trust people being genuine about liking me as a person because I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop when they realise I'm too much hassle - which unfortunately was the circumstance my relationship ended around so yeah, that did not fucking help. Basically I go from being really comfortable around someone to masking intensely and yeah that is NOT GOOD. I also legit feel the reason I have alexytheimia is because I had to develop a buffer so early in my life just to survive as far as I have.

I'm hoping art journalling will help me process some of those thoughts and feelings and I still want to try and show them, just to show myself they DO have value, they are a valid part of the human experience and they should be allowed to take up space - I do not need to hide them away or cut pieces of myself out to become more 'palateable' to people. So yeah um, I guess there will be some vent art, I don't know if I'll post only to my art blog or here because it's more sketchy shit and I reserve the art blog for finished pieces now ... either way knowing me it's going to be highly metaphorical and symbolic so I don't know how 'triggering' it could be but either way I'll probably tag the absolute shit out of it just to make sure I don't adversely effect someone (yes I am aware of the irony in me saying that as it's basically me trying to 'not ruin' things again but even putting it out there at all is a big enough step - also tags are just basic decency).

So uh ... That's what I've been up to? Also why I've been kind of shit about WIP Wednesday tagging and responding to other tag games (which I am now once again remembering a bunch of that I STILL have sitting in my motifs cause I still wanna do them ; m ;) I think I tend to get something like reverse SAD this time of year, arguably for the same reasons SAD develops - it gets so damn hot that I have the curtains closed in my office (which has the biggest window in the house) all day to keep the heat out. So arguably I have just made 'tiny dark winter' for about two months because I ain't going outside when it's over 30C (aka the temp tomorrow. And the day after THAT. Fuck I hate summer). Just instead of dark and cold it's dark and sweaty - feeling clammy also being a sensory problem for me so all around BAD TIME until the season changes :/

Outside of all that I'm speculating writing a wlw romance in a western setting because I have had on off cowboy rot since forever and I should probably do something with that already. Currently speculative Native American love interest/secondary protagonist with a background that probably touches on maybe the boarding schools and then reconnection with culture. We've had similar stories with our indigenous population in Australia unfortunately (colonialism is a plague) so I can sort of have some understanding but I probably need to hit the books on that one. For any Americans/Canadians reading this if you know some good books, PLEASE send me your references, I really want to make sure I do this right. I reblogged a post a few days ago about how Native Americans are often dehumanised in westerns and they just become part of the landscape, and I really want to push against that. Also do some contrasting against how oppressive western colonial era culture was by comparison to native culture honestly because I feel that would be a really interesting dynamic. Idk when/if stuff with this project will start happening but we'll see.

If you read this far, thanks! It's pretty validating to know people care this much, since it's hard for me to believe people do care a lot of the time because of all the above bullshit. So just so you know, I love you guys 💖 and you get a bonus cat:

Tiny p.s. living with my parents now is very different from when I was a child, I know the people who caused me hurt are long, long gone. They are not the same people anymore - so I am okay! It's still frustrating but more for the reasons of wishing I had my own (bigger) space to live in and put all my stuff and just 'I am a 30 year old extremely supressed lesbian speed running puberty and this environment is not conducive to exploring that' if anything. While I'm out with my Mum I can't like ... talk about that shit lol. So yeah, frustrating but for entirely different reasons. Just clearing that up.

[starwell-tarot]

Hey there!

If you wish to take a glance at my birth chart 🥺 Can you please tell what I need to heal and how I can find my life's purpose? Anything that jumps out to you.

Thanks in advance, and much gratitude ✨

Hello! I once again apologize it took me so long. I had to research quite a bit due to some unfamiliar placements :))

But alas it is done. I've tried to point out everything that could ever manifest in a detrimental way towards your mental health and provide some advice or comfort about it.

However! Full disclaimer I am not a mental health professional nor do I know everything. Perhaps with some issues, you will find better suited ways to solve than what I offered.

Also I am not a professional astrologer so things will be wrong. This interpretation is done based off of my own personal experience and research I've done so far. I do hope you will leave feedback and do not feel afraid to correct me 😀

What to heal + life purpose

Taurus Sun 8th house - Tough and resilient with incredible willpower. Will rebuild themselves up from the ground whenever they fall. Reliable and trustworthy but might have a need for control or the upper hand in deals and situations. Smart in a financial sense. Undying loyalty that might result in grudges, interest in the occult. Must not fall victim to the vicious circle of material possessions. In some cases, natal might also run away in fear from their 'dark and ugly side' instead of facing it. Can be very private and silence is abundant but calculated. People outside your social circle might even find you secretive or hard to figure out.

Aries Venus  8th house - Heal boundaries and keep them stable. It's okay to crave for deep rooted relationships and it's okay to crave passion and intensity. Just make sure to not overdo it, and avoid trying to rip passion out of people when it's not there for you. Find YOUR people. Find the ones to truly love you and respect you, that can offer you what you need in a healthy manner, without judgement. Please avoid living in the past of failures and disappointments, let go and explore new societal opportunities. Avoid chasing after danger just for the thrill of it. Relationships can greatly change you, as well. You could find yourself a different person when you're dating. If you're about to go through a drastic, permanent change about yourself make sure you DO want it. Make sure it's worth it.

8th house stellium in Aries - You might have a hard time with control. You want to have the ability of trusting both you and everyone around, in every domain, will do well and just according to plan. Unexpected changes are not very welcome. You hate it when things are out of your control, when it's just a matter of fate and you can't influence it. Relationships could also make you feel like you're losing control. But weirdly enough, you might have the most luck when taking chances. Life is all about balance in this domain too, practice risk and trust in moderation.

Libra Moon 2nd house -  It might be hard for you to maintain a healthy self esteem without external validation. By external validation I mean, the approval of others around you. You might care too much of how you're being seen, what others think of you. You might want to be liked by all and might bend over backwards for people just to please them. But remember, other people's opinions could never limit how beautiful and lovable you are. Only you can limit that for yourself.

Taurus Mars 9th house - Might be torn between the fear of drastic changes and the unknown and a deep desire for adventure. Try to see the wisdom that would come out of trying things out. You often want to be a supportive pillar to people, but don't stretch yourself too thin. Don't cuff yourself down - freedom could be a great motivation for you. Try to avoid getting attached to people just to feel some resemblance of warmth (I mean that in the idea that sometimes we hurt ourselves just to have people around, no matter how bad or fake their love is) Be careful to not be way too loyal to the wrong people.

Venus ruled sun. moon, mars, mercury - Natal has some of their biggest issues surrounding their self worth. Most often their self worth is tied to others around them, and they desperately search for knowledge and philosophy that will allow them disengage the idea of self worth from outside sources (aka have their self worth be self defined). Might have made many decisions which led to the loss of self freedom. I recommend self-love and shadow work for natal because I strongly feel they need to learn to acknowledge their beauty. (both physical and spiritual). Spiritual rituals which include admiring your body sound good. Dress up and feel beautiful. Don't hold grudges against your body or people from the past. Instead, celebrate all your strength and sacrifices, and admire the history the skin of your body has been through.

Virgo Ascendant - Perfectionistic in your craft. Good with your hands. Very hard worker. You don't put something down unless it's been polished perfectly. But you're probably also really hard on yourself. Self compassion is necessary so that you don't roboticize yourself in life. It's alright, people will love you even when you don't work like a machine and don't offer them absolutely every single thing you think they need. Protect the fragility of your humanity, never forget about it. Might be attracted to partners/friends who are in need of their help (Like you being attracted to people who need to be fixed, or only feeling loved when you are useful to others.)

Gemini Main House - My intel on this is pretty basic. You're a very intelligent individual. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. You definitely have a gift for teaching and linguistic things. The world is full of opportunities for you. Maybe sometimes you might feel lost or confused because of all the information you carry with you, scared even. Don't let logic take over when you in fact need self compassion. Make sure you feel your feelings, not just analyze them. You are most comfortable when in a career that uses your smarts and creativity to its fullest. Always keep an open mind, that is good for you. And of course this doesn't have to apply to you necessarily but I'll mention it, make sure to not be aggressive about knowing better than your peers. Take everything in consideration, there is no universal truth, perfect opinion, words or life path.

Pisces Fortune 6th house - You strive when you can use your imagination, creativity and soulful persona in work too, not only in closed spaces.  Working in an art department / making art could be healing for you. Dream big and follow through with those plans

Pisces Descendant - You might desire to let go of rigidness in order to indulge in fantasy like dreamlands often. Perhaps you wish you could live in a more artistic and soulful way than you do now. Art could be healing for you.

Part of Fortune conjunct Descendant - Dreaming big can bring big results.

Sagittarius IC - Keeping your mind open is healthy for you. Avoid being too judgmental on yourself and others. Big dreamer, secretly in search of adventure, thrill and never found before treasure. You want more out of life, there simply must be more for you to have, especially in terms of information and experiences. Allow yourself to be free and chase these desires so that your inner child will no longer feel so constricted by responsibilities and perfectionism or the effects of other people in your life.

Sagittarius Lilith 3rd house - Heavily oppressed growing up in terms of identity, especially intellectually. Maybe forced into being an academic or taking up an impressive job that doesn't fit your taste. But no matter how oppressed you never believed the world was as black and white as people made it out to be. You see things differently, believe in different things. Listen to the way you understand the world. Listen to the way you understand yourself. Free yourself of outside voices. Trust your own judgement and stop searching for ways to prove yourself wrong. What you think matters, lay it out on the table. Your inner genius is not crazy, just free-spirited.

IC conjunct Lilith - You're the most powerful when you're completely authentic to yourself. Shamelessly.

Scorpio Pluto 3rd house - The environment you grew up in might have been one where it wasn't safe to voice out things, whether it was opinions or feelings. It's alright, it doesn't have to be the same anymore. It's safe to speak.

Scorpio Chiron 3rd house - Intuitive and empathic, you have a deeper understanding of this world than most of your peers. Might have grown up as 'the different one' due to a very developed intelligence and emotional stage. You have a gift of teaching people see the truth, teaching people to look deeper than the surface. Realistic mindset is good at problem solving. You bring life changing perspectives to people's lives.

Aquarius Vertex 5th house - You have a talent or skill that could put you above other people. Maybe that's given you too much unwanted attention or maybe you've tried to hide to avoid the spotlight. People might have been envious of you or tried to exploit your talent or intelligence. But your talent is not here for you to be singled out like this. Your talent is here to bring light and joy into the world. Find people who will have good teamwork so that you won't be above or beneath anyone ever again. Be equal and appreciated for what you can do.

Cancer North Node 10th  / Capricorn South Node 4th house - Natal needs to avoid overworking or forging a career that is distant, detached or too systematic in ways that could catch them in repetitive vicious cycles; natal must take care of themselves especially in work related departments because they tend to forget about their own humanity when they work;; treat their minds and bodies in more gentle ways so they won't get exhausted;; try to not have too much of a business-like mindset when it comes to family, as well, be careful to not rule your family like a business or become harsh on them because of too much stress, or push expectations onto them. The same don't let family boss you around in inhuman ways or break you with too many expectations

Extra notes:

I noticed a few planets at 26 degrees which is a Cancer degree. My initial thought about his is that empathy is in fact a great aid to you in the way you navigate through life.

Pluto, Lilith and Chiron are all three in the 3rd house so what I'm thinking with that is you could teach people to speak about about the things you personally felt oppressed by and never got the chance to speak about.

Freedom is the most intense theme I see in your chart. I think it's the most relevant to your question of healing and life purpose, too. You can try learning to have freedom in everything you do. Freedom even when working, even when with family, friends, lovers. I can sense you're a very dedicated individual too, but perhaps you need to learn dedication is a choice. You can choose to end your dedication to something if it constricts you in unfair ways.

With Taurus in the 8th house I definitely have to mention sensuality to you. No, it's not overrated. Listen to sensual music and please your senses. You deserve all the royal treatment you desire.

Assumptions I have about you based off of your natal chart: [Just for fun 😜] You're a tortured soul who prefers artistic expression over anything else that was fed to you growing up; you're a theatre kid, you like the acting world, I'm getting something like doctor/teacher/ HR (or some place where you can pitch in ideas). You like writing.

-------------------------------------

I'm not 100% happy with everything I've written but if I continue to keep this in my drafts to perfect it you'll never get it 😂 excuse me if some paragraphs seem a little lackluster or if I overlooked something

That's it! Hope it was useful. 🖤

[kay-elle-cee]

hi Kelsey!! 🥺🤡🎃🎉 for the fic asks if ur so inclined!! thank u <3

Clare, thank you! 💕

🥺Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels?

Answer: Again, I go back to the angst. I love when they're broken and vulnerable with each other because I'm absolutely psychotic. BUT ALSO I love when I'm writing from James' POV and he's just like, awestruck by Lily. Like the boy is just so in love and I can't stand it and I love it and it makes me kick my feet like a child.

🤡What's a line, scene, or exchange you've written that made you laugh?

Answer: The cut dialogue from yesterday's Jilytober entry comes to mind because it's most recent (and also I tend to write a lot of angst). But! I also really enjoyed this bit from Patterns.

🎃Do you write fics for certain holidays? Which is your favorite holiday inspired fic?

Answer: I realize I'm answering this while 23 ficlets into Jilytober, but no? And that's not to say I would never—I've only been at this for about 5 months and it's not holiday season yet, so TBD.

🎉What leads you to consider a fic a success?

Answer: I want to say "as long as I feel it accomplishes what I want it to" but that's not true, is it? My little rat brain, as much as I try to tell myself otherwise, craves external validation. Honestly, I think if I get a handful of nice comments, or one like, really detailed comment, that's my measurement for success. Because while I'd like for people to read and share, etc., at the end of the day I do write for me and my interests, not what I think will do numbers. So in knowing that I write for me and what I want to see, knowing that even one other person read it and it made them feel something strong or something deep, is a really good feeling.

(As a general note, I'm trying to not focus TOO much on external validation since this is truly what I do for my non-work-related creative outlet. I'm always afraid that if I worry too much about what will perform well/be successful it will take some of that joy away.)

Thank you so much for these awesome questions, Clare!

Send me asks! (If you want!)

[unknown-internet]

The Miss Understanding

No matter where I go

no matter how much I work on myself

I will be misunderstood

I can only right my wrongs and go from there

but the growing pain still happens there

within me and I just have a hard navigating through it

from 'you are a bad person' to

'I am not because I am human'.

I'm sorry to my mom

the woman who gave me birth

and did everything to protect me

just so at one point be afraid of me

and I cannot runaway from the past

because I never intended to be

the person I tried hard to never be

or repeat.

From rags to riches

from fame to stillness

I wonder who I am

in the mix of it all.

I know I'm not the horrible person

my brain claims to be

but I can't help to wonder

that if I was all good

the thought shouldn't rise to the top

when the plate is full

why do I make it fit more.

Why is being a human so hard

when I have 70,000 thoughts a day

and most of them damage my self-eestem

when I thought I was the only person I can count on.

The battles my ancestors fought for my position today

my will continues to be tested

and even if I'm gone

I will cause a lot more damage than I intend do

the damn if I do or don't

I will still be misunderstood

when I simply want to be heard

but I find myself in the fog

of the unknown and the to be or not to be.

When the whole world is counting on you

because you love your passion

and you want to make a difference

you can't let the negative thoughts weigh more

than the sacrifices that were made for you.

I don't care to be misunderstood by the world

but I can't let myself be misunderstood to me

I am here for a purpose and have worth more

than any external validation I recieved.

The only safe net I find is the one I have within

and I need to always find that again and again

to never forget where I come from

finding people that help you see life in a different prespective

that the small talk I have with people

makes me feel closer and connected

it makes me realize that even if these people don't know me

that I am still appreciated

that I am not the words my brain tells me in passing.

I don't ever want to make any of my friends

or family to be worried about me

I know life is a whirlwind

I know my mother has a lot of other things to worry about

and I shouldn't be another thing

I always have to give myself courage during these times

to find a way to keep pursuing

to keep the dream alive

to talk to God:

please take these ugly thoughts with you

and help me find strengthen

I only want to be good

but why do I feel so bad

Dios todopoderoso

en este momento me acerco a ti

con humildad y reverencia....

I don't care if I don't make it to

the pearly white fences to your house

I know I'm not perfect

nor am I asking for validation from you

I'm just asking guidance.

[thebaepatricia]

Things I Wish I Knew Before Creating my #Bookstagram Account

You can learn a thing or two from #bookstagram 📔🧠

📚 Here are 7 things I wish I knew before creating my reading account:

1️⃣: It’s for your self-expression, not for external validation

2️⃣ Don’t be fixated on aesthetics - you’ll discover your style as you go

3️⃣ You’ll make a lot of virtual friends

4️⃣ Your reading speed, goals, and capacity are as valid as other people’s

5️⃣ You’ll feel jealous, insecure, inferior, and/or dumb - Always go back to No. 1

6️⃣ It’s overwhelming at first, but it’s a community that loves to help

7️⃣ There’s tea even in the book community

No. 1: It’s for your self-expression, not for external validation

Almost every time I start a passion project, it begins with self-expression. But it doesn’t take long before I start doing things to please or impress others. Somehow, I can’t make it stick with pleasing just me and me alone. If I could start all over again, I’d remind myself to do things for self-expression and not for anything else. To consider myself at the forefront of everything I do and look for benefits that would serve me, be it a creative pursuit or for self-growth. In this case, it’s both.

To myself: You will be liked and disliked. That’s okay. Regardless of what people think, don’t give their opinion too much weight. It’s an opinion; not a fact. Don’t put everyone else on a pedestal while you stay on the sidewalks. Don’t make gods out of humans. Just like you, they also have nasty farts every now and then.

No. 2: Don’t be fixated on aesthetics - you’ll discover your style as you go

I’m still learning this. I still don’t have a template look and I don’t think I ever will. I want to believe that exploring is part of the whole #bookstagram journey. I’m reminding myself to be inspired by others’ styles instead of being jealous or using them to degrade myself.

To myself: Don’t be afraid to explore styles, colors, and angles. But don’t let it limit you either. Don’t be paralyzed by the fear of imperfection to hinder you from expressing yourself and sharing what you learn from the books you read. Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good. Learn to be satisfied with contentment rather than happiness. You don’t have to be happy or excited about everything you share. Life is a balance. Apply that balance to your content.

No. 3: You’ll make a lot of virtual friends

I didn’t think it was possible. I’ve always struggled to make long-term friends. But one thing I noticed about Bookstagram is that people are very open and welcoming.

To myself: Be unapologetically you. Your natural energy will attract like-minded people. You’ll build your own tribe, meet interesting people, and get awesome book recommendations. Those are abundant wins. Don’t be scared to put yourself out there. If your voice matters to you, that should be enough. Embrace who you are and people will appreciate you. Remember that it’s better to be disliked for who you are than be liked for the person you are not.

No. 4: Your reading speed, goals, and capacity are as valid as other people’s

No one has the right, authority, or power to tell you how many books you should or should not read. Besides, it’s lowkey rude. LOL. Reading should be is a positive experience (even when you’re reading the most depressing novel). Reading is neither a marathon nor a race. It is what it is. It’s a disservice to the whole experience to turn it into a contest. Don’t let social media pressure you - it’s not worth it.

To myself: Just read. Whether you finish one or 10 books in a month. Read for the pleasure of it. Read for learning. Read for a literary experience. Read because you’re deeply curious. Read what you like, not what others like. If you’re going to set a reading challenge, do it as a challenge for yourself; NOT to compete with others. Encourage others to do the same. At the end of the day, we can take pleasure in our own reading journey while respecting others’ reading preferences.

No. 5. You’ll feel jealous, insecure, inferior, and/or dumb - Always go back to No. 1

My low self-esteem makes me dislike others. But I’m aware that it’s a projection of my unhappy parts. It’s inappropriate and disrespectful, even when I’m just doing it in my head. I even took a hiatus for a few months because I couldn’t take my dislike anymore. It turns out, I wasn’t disliking others. In fact, I wanted what they had. I disliked myself for not being able to produce with the same creativity and enthusiasm. Or more, the same indifference towards others. I cared too much about the wrong things.

To myself: Don’t let yourself spiral into this thinking whenever you can help it. And I know you can help yourself. Learn to celebrate others while you’re waiting for your turn. Applaud others while you work on yourself. Remind yourself of the things you’ve accomplished and more things you can do in the future. Strive to find opportunities for learning and growth in your internal struggles. Try to make the positive things win over your insecurities, doubts, fears, and worries. Happy things can only happen if you let them.

No. 6: It’s overwhelming at first, but it’s a community that loves to help

Starting my Bookstagram account humbled me. I didn’t know there was much to learn. I didn’t know a lot of basic acronyms like DNF, TBR, ARC, and more. I felt like a toddler learning my ABCs. It was both humbling and exciting. But one thing I learned is, that it might be overwhelming, but people LOVE to help out others, especially those who are starting with their own bookstagram journeys. I remember when I published my first post, I received a lot of comments welcoming me into the community. It was overwhelmingly positive. And everyone seems to be proactive. To this day, I continue to find amazing accounts.

To myself: Stay curious. Ask questions. Keep DM-ing authors you like. Keep thanking accounts that helped you, whether they’re mutuals or not. Strive to pay forward the same energy and help out others when you can.

No. 7: There’s tea even in the book community

Sadly, this can’t be avoided. For a while, it got me hooked. It made things somehow interesting how people operate. Although let’s be real, I only know controversies when they really blow up, but I’m mostly blind to local and small-time gossip. Anyway, I realize that it spreads negative energy, so I strongly discourage this. There’s a lot of tea anywhere if you know where to dip your fingers, but it begs the question: Why would you even want to go there? Staying tuned to gossip is just as bad as spreading it. It defeats the purpose of promoting positivity and empowerment in the community. Not to mention, it encourages cyberbullying.

To myself: It may be temporarily entertaining when it happens, but it honestly doesn’t add value to yourself. Also, it’s really pathetic.

[unedited-me]

I Need to Choose Me

I have spent this past week going back and forth in my head. He likes me, he likes me not. Every part of my being is screaming at me that I am not ready, but when the universe sends a soul tie to your doorstep, you open the door. It helps knowing you aren’t ready either. But then...that’s the same reason I’m scared.

I have spent the past 8 years rationalising and internalising the idea that I am not enough. It felt like I learned to unlove you overnight, but unlearning the negative self talk and the insecurities and self-consciousness is taking much longer. I didn’t fully understand the weight of the problem until you were gone. It pains me to say this, but I don’t think I truly believe that I deserve good things. Is that entirely your fault? Absolutely not. But you surely didn’t help combat those internal battles already taking place within me. You didn’t soothe me or validate my feelings or create a safe space where I felt seen and heard and understood. I can’t pin where this idea started, but at some point in my life I built this idea that I need external validation in order to be worthy of good things. Things like happiness, success, love. Part of me felt like I couldn’t produce those things for myself in the absence of others. As though the opinions of other people and how they view me held more value and significance than how I viewed my truth. But I am the only person who will ever know my full truth. Perhaps that’s the issue. Perhaps knowing that the people who think so highly of me only know a part of the story is the very reason that I am unable to let their positive view hold more weight than my negative one. If that’s the case, then why would that not translate to how I feel about people’s negative views? In theory, I should be the baseline. But I set the bar too low.

Now I am faced with a person who does soothe me, validate my feelings, and create a space where I feel seen, heard, and understood. But I’m too fucked up to accept that for what it is. I am finally afraid of losing something worth having even before I actually have it. I am putting so much pressure on myself to be what he wants because I feel like what he sees must be different than what I see within myself. Which is most probably the reason my entire being is screaming at me that I’m not ready. Because this thought process reflects the idea that I’m not.

It shouldn’t matter. You shouldn’t matter, he shouldn’t matter, this shouldn’t matter. Because it really doesn’t. You chose me while actively making me feel worthless daily. He builds me up while simultaneously not choosing me. So why does any of that matter? I need to choose me. Not because of him nor in spite of you. I need to choose me because I am the only person who will be there for 100% of my life, 100% of the time. I need to put myself first because I am deserving of the love I am always so willing to freely give away to others. I need to choose me because pouring into myself first is the only way I will learn to value myself enough to lead the life I want to live. I don’t want to rely on other people for validation anymore. Conversely, I don’t know how to pull that validation from myself anymore either.

-M

[bengiyo]

The Eclipse Ep 8 Stray Thoughts

The BL Summer '22 High School Extravaganza continues with my boys with the most external and internalized homophobia. I hope Kan and Thua talk this week, because I have been holding my breath for a week.

Ah yes, the boat that reportedly almost killed Khaotung and First. They definitely won't kiss here just because of the logistics.

First and Khaotung are absolutely gorgeous. I called the About Youth and Love in the Air casts the prettiest boys, but I find the Eclipse cast to be extremely attractive too.

Akk has to reject this kiss because it's in the open, but damn did he clearly want to. I've seen some commentary about how people like First in his other roles more, and while I don't want to rank his performances, I want to challenge viewers to pay attention to the details of Akk's physicality. He's not afraid of Ayan. He's intensely aware of his desires, and only ever stops Ayan at the line. It's so intentional, and Khaotung and First are absolutely in sync when they play together.

But also, Akk, my guy, you can't be dreaming like that about him and then rejecting him in the moment.

Oh, look at Ayan calling out the way Akk responded to his advances. Akk is really such a sad and terrifying character. He understands exactly what Ayan is saying to him about his right to love, and his response that, "I choose not to do it," hurts. Akk isn't Kan, who knows but needs someone to validate him. Akk is self-actualized, which makes his decision to be closeted even sadder.

I'm sorry to Khaotung, but I skip the intro for this show.

Ayan asking to borrow underwear in unhinged, and I suspect he asked for it just to startle Akk and mess with his sense of propriety.

Honestly, Ayan might be the most attractive GMMTV BL lead we've had since Kongpob for me. I like a character who knows exactly who he is and pulls that out of other people.

Ayan putting Akk's hands on his face is going to make me implode. He's saying, "This is how I like to be touched. Can you do it?" He tells Akk how he adores him and asks if he can kiss him, and reassures Akk that he can revoke it. I love Ayan so much.

This is a great plot kiss. It's a kiss that is pleading for more. Ayan wants so much from and for Akk, and it's no surprise that Akk has to break the spell. He can't give this much to Ayan. There isn't enough room in his heart and life for what Ayan wants. The world is too loud. It's why Akk can't be seen with Ayan in public.

Absolutely fantastic work from everyone in involved in that bedroom scene. Bravo.

Namo you are violating the rules of friendship. We don't collect blackmail on boys weekend.

Thua is here, and this is where my heart breaks. Kan has to slam the door closed again, and this is why I was kinda cool on my praise for the tent scene. It is a great scene, but this is what I know. In the daytime, we can never acknowledge what happened. I will not be surprised when Thua enters his villain era.

Oh lord this preview gonna make me link the Fosters again!

The pinky touch continues to belong to the gays!!!! New modification: Ayan being a little shit to Akk.

Oh, Neo. That annoyed blink Kan threw at Wat was great.

"What your parents made is so good," is an incredible double meaning, holy shit. "Well, it's usually good." Falls out of my chair.

Four boys squeezed into the back seat of a car? Definitely high school.

I just don't know how I'm supposed to read Thua's stepdad. He challenges Chadok, derides the curse as nonsense, then reveals he was targeted as a student by Chadok.

These socks always looks uncomfortable on these boys.

Chadok is such a villain. Every time he touches Akk I am thrown back to The Gifted.

Thua's smirk any time he susses out anything about Kan is absolutely perfect. This is a good role for Louis, too.

Wat is still trying to keep an eye on Ayan, but Kan is totally past that. Ayan supports his feelings for Thua, so Ayan is an ally.

Akk's involuntary smile at Ayan's voice. Yep, this episode is going to do something tragic at the end.

The teacher makes a homophobic remark about Kanlong, and Wat and Akk immediately look at each other. We all know!

Chadok has an informant. Is it Namo?

Yeah, I'm not keen on Namo.

It's hard losing someone you care for to suicide. The confusion and loss lingers for decades. I get Ayan's mom's concerns that Aye might be in danger following in his uncle's wake.

Ayan is relentless on flirting with Akk. What's he gonna do when he catches him?

Oh ho, the journal was in the office. What role does Thua play in this?

As we head into the final third, I'm dreading new horrors inflicted upon the World Remembers.

[weirdmageddon]

five years too late let’s analyze this. the commentary has gotten me back into gravity falls reigniting thoughts and insights i came to years ago

i love everything about this commentary in general it hits the points of humor, genuine analysis of the characters, but most of all im so glad hirsch addressed that the droid not detecting any fear from dipper here doesnt make any scientific sense because that was a massive CinemaSins moment for me

IDK the fact that dipper can fucking stand after an airship crash because theres a bigger threat at hand is literally one of the defining capabilities owed to adrenaline lol...... IM SORRY im a biopsychology student if i dont point that out iwill seethe and die because that was just . its a grudge ive held for a long time about this episode but didnt rant about because it was something so minor and i’m sure nobody would care.

i was 13 when this episode came out and i’m almost 19 now, i had a special interest in biology and i still do but now i’m actually having college classes in biopsychology so i can give my arguments more oomph now. and i have to say, now that i know more about the brain and autonomic nervous system the more this scene bugs me, if that was even possible. and it says a lot of dipper and ford’s relationship.

if dipper clearly wasnt calm before, why would he be now just because he’s put up an outwardly confident facade? before he was in the flight but now hes in the fight. my boy just rode on top of a spaceship by nothing but a magnet gun that could detach at any time if it failed and then the ship crashed, he sustained injuries, is in emotional turmoil because he thinks his uncle is Fucking Dead and the threat of a security droid that detects adrenaline is on his tail and produces a Big Fucking Gun in response to dipper saying “i hAvE a MaGNeT gUn” and hes screaming and has his teeth clenched but sure there’s no adrenaline coursing through his body in that moment i can totally believe that

when dipper asks what happened, ford says “the orb didn’t detect any chemical signs of fear, it assumed the threat was neutralized and self-disassembled” but i don’t think measuring someone’s heartbeat alone is particularly relevant in detecting ... chemical signs of fear?? they dont really tell you this shit but noradrenaline (and maybe adrenaline too if the acetylcholine from sympathetic outflow always activates the adrenal medulla??, theres two pathways) is always active in small quantities to make sure your parasympathetic nervous system doesnt slow your heart to dangerous levels on its own, regardless of your emotions. it’s just a homeostatic mechanism. your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems are CONSTANTLY modulating control of your organs on a see-saw, literally with every breath you take. simply standing upright causes specialized mechanoreceptor neurons in blood vessels to signal your brain to project signals to release catecholamines via the sympathetic nervous system to constrict your blood vessels so that blood is able to reach your brain and not pool in your legs. i have a deficiency in my body’s ability to adapt to this which is why i know so much about it. if i stand up my heart races to compensate. i’m not feeling fear, my body is just adjusting—albeit grossly and incompetently lol.

but what im saying here is that the security system is flawed. it’s a cool idea to have security droids detect fear, but in practice by detecting adrenaline, and not even directly by detecting the molecule itself—it’s done in a roundabout way by reading the heartbeat, could be a recipe for false alarms. like what if someone’s on beta-blockers. that’s not really an adequate way to measure “fear”; there’s so many variables that could interfere with the measurement the farther you abstract from what you’re really trying to detect. and besides, adrenaline is NOT just a sign of fear, it’s just for preparing the body for action. i know the sympathetic nervous system and adrenaline is constantly linked with the “fight-or-flight” reaponse to a stressor, but 99.9% of the time the sympathetic nervous system is used in your life is to balance out your parasympathetic nervous system to maintain homeostatic equilibrium for mundane things.

i think detecting amygdalar activation would be more efficient in detecting fear. the amygdala sends projections to the hypothalamus which then in turn modulates the autonomic nervous systems. but the amygdala is intensely activated specifically in response to a fear-inducing stimulus (it does activate in response to other emotions but they’re mostly negative and is most activated by startle and fear), and wouldnt be highly activated by many other confounding variables like measurement of the heartbeat could be. the amygala is one of the first stops directly from external stimuli.

to show you how integrated the amygdala is as the first step in registering fear after receiving input from sensory stimuli let’s look at the auditory-amygdala connection for example

see how the auditory thalamus projects to the primary auditory cortex and auditory association cortex? the cortex is where conscious awareness of what the stimuli is comes from. this is the “high road”. it goes sensing -> perception -> emotional response. but sometimes you can be startled without even processing what it is you’re sensing, like the startle response of an alarm or a phone ringing in a quiet house before you even register what it is. this goes sensing -> emotional response, without perception happening until after you’ve already felt the startle. that’s when it takes the “low road”. here’s a simplified version:

even if that were the case with these droids though it’s obvious dipper is still fearful on some level here. his body language, voice, expressions all give it away. for the amygdala, aggression isnt too off from fear so it would be detected equally.

the reason this is so important is because ford uses this as evidence for why dipper is special, “i did it?” “you did it. this is what i was talking about, how many 12 year olds do you think are capable of doing what you’ve just done?”

but like....did he really? i’m not saying this to shoot dipper down or make him out to be more of a wuss, he was incredibly strong-willed here and i dont want to take that away from him because it WAS growth on his part. but the underlying psychophysiological reactions of aggression and fear shouldn’t be that different and this was a total asspull. maybe the droid was so old that it fucked up. maybe dipper being covered in grime and dirt made it harder for the droid to measure the correct heart rate through photoplethysmography (im assuming since they use a camera and are non-contact).

and in all honesty everything i just said brings into question the interpersonal healthiness of ford’s judgements, what he thinks, his expectations, and how he communicates that. in this video alex already talks about how ford is projecting onto dipper. and i think ford may be projecting his expectations for himself onto people who are not him, and the fact that it’s on dipper here makes it far more unfortunate. you realize how much this boy idolizes ford, right? how much impressions matter? dipper even tells himself before he leaves in this same episode, “all right dipper, this is your first big mission with great uncle ford. don’t mess this up.”

even though it’s unstated, the implicit message dipper is perceiving from ford based on their dynamic is: “do you have what it takes for me to be proud of you?” and to accomplish this he must be like ford, even though he’s clearly not and he knows this. he says “i don’t think have what it takes. i was tricked by bill, i was wrong about stan’s portal, heck, i can’t even operate this magnet gun right.” then, by simple chance without even knowing what he did, he activates the magnet gun and pulls out the adhesive, which immediately takes the focus away from what dipper was telling ford about his feelings of inadequacy to ford saying, “yes! dipper, you found the adhesive!”

these thoughts of dipper’s hang in the air without resolve or comment from ford. we don’t know what ford would have said. but it then becomes painfully self-evident in the scene immediately after when the droids emerge and ford tells dipper, “they’re security droids and they detect adrenaline. you simply have to not feel any fear and they won’t see you”, to which dipper replies with an exasperated (and rightful) “WHAT?”

dipper goes in a panic trying to indirectly tell his uncle that this isn’t something he can do. and he is completely right and valid to be freaked out by that full stop. that IS crazy. you can’t control your fear. you can control how you interpret that fear in your higher brain regions but the physiological changes will stick around for longer than it takes to cognitively calm down. it’s easy for me to detach from my emotions to analyze them, but being able to do this does not come naturally for everyone. even i have an irrational fear of wasps and i can’t control it by detaching myself, my body is just automatically primed to get the fuck out of there. i know it’s stupid and i know it’s irrational and isn’t helpful to get myself worked up but i literally can’t stop how my body reacts no matter how i cognitively think about it. expecting composure from dipper in a situation like this when he’s being made to consciously be aware of his anxiety is absolutely fucking insane. look what you did, placing these cruel expectations on him, now he’s afraid of being afraid! this isn’t a case where two wrongs cancel out, they just stack on top of each other.

there’s a good reason these scenes were put side by side but it seems up until now it had remained unanalyzed.

what dipper fears from ford is disappointment. not living up to his uncle’s (quite frankly badly placed) expectations for a twelve year old with anxiety. not once did ford say or subliminally communicate “i don’t expect you to be able to do what i can since you are not as experienced as i am and that’s perfectly okay, no judgements”. you don’t put a child on bike before training wheels. you don’t throw a kid into a swimming pool without giving them swimming lessons. the way ford is doing it, there’s no room for trial and error or mistakes that are an opportunity to grow and learn; instead, it’s life or death. he only seems to pride dipper on what he can do while ignoring the underlying struggles that plague him and never making it known it’s okay for dipper to fail in front of his hero and that he won’t think anything less of him for it.

and that’s why i found the ending scene for dipper and ford’s adventure in this episode to feel so.. wrong. on a scientific and social level. because by the sound of it ford focused more on what dipper had done to dismantle the droid (the droid not detecting any fear) instead of how dipper displayed love and protection for him even if he was truly afraid. what if the science was accurate and the droid detected adrenaline while dipper was confidently standing up for his uncle. would ford still be proud of him regardless?

[sauntervaguelydown]

I guess I'm thinking about gender again. Philosophically speaking. I'm trying to get my head around this constant problem I have with it.

Gender is always so weird for me because like... fundamentally, conceptually, I'm more of a gender abolitionist... human beings are all just a grab bag of traits trending in two major directions based on hormones, but it's only our innate urge to categorize and build complex categorical schemas that gives gender any meaning... there is no gender in nature, there are just individuals with traits, and so in myself I don't feel like gender has any meaning other than the experiential

but on the other hand I very much perceive gender first when I look at a new person, because that categorization schema is so deep in my brain, and I don't know how to unlearn it. So I'm simultaneously experiencing the philosophical certainty that gender is fake and arbitrary, while ALSO experiencing this foundational bias to sort people into one category or the other based on their looks.

All this is further complicated by the fact that I have a very real preference towards women, in the sense that like... one, okay, I'm kind of afraid of men? Or, I distrust men? Or, I'm afraid of and distrustful of men in a way that I never am of women--unfamiliar men are potential enemies until they demonstrate to me that they are not the enemy. I feel a kinship with women that is instinctual. Even when women individually suck, they're still my people. Even when individual men are lovely and admirable, they're still something other. They're foreign to me, in a similar way that someone raised in China is foreign to me.

By the way I'm very much including transwomen in the kinship circle, I vibe very much with people who WANT to be here in the female kinship circle.

When I was younger I was very "whatever" about my own gender. When I was in elementary school I used to crossdress and I would be very excited when I passed as a boy (I had to stop this when my chest came in). I used to think a lot about being born as a boy, or being a boy in a past life. I craved (but never got) validation from my male peers. But I also was aggressively feminine outside of that--I refused to wear pants, I liked pink and purple and sparkles, you know, the whole 9 yards. Even a that time I think I perceived women as being my people, or at least the people I was most interested in when it came time to pick favorite characters or choose a historical person to do a report on. I feel like my relationship to "womanhood" changed a lot as I left high school and entered college--like when I was in high school I thought of myself as just being A Person, not a girl or a woman or a female; I was agender within my own mind, you know? But then as I got older, I got on the internet and I started seeing all this feminist discourse and seeing myself as part of a shared experience of oppression, and that was really the first time that I started to think of myself as a woman rather than an individual: in seeing myself through the eyes of strangers and understanding how their perception of me fundamentally changed their treatment of me

I'm 29 now and I still don't know jack shit, frankly. The way that gender is imposed on a person externally is important to me, because that's the main reason I even think of myself as having a gender. But on the other hand, some people obviously feel so strongly about their innate gender that they're willing to change their whole lives in order to migrate from one category to another, which is sort of inconceivable to me, but obviously very real for them.

I'm stuck in this ideological vs experiential paradox, where my own personal experience of gender is so inverted from most of my friends' experience that I cannot begin to reconcile it. I wasn't a woman until the world made me a woman. I don't understand why it doesn't work like that for everyone.

anyway this is a long ass post and if you read it then uhhhh thanks for listening

[nightswithkookmin]

Hey Goldy,

feel free to disagree but i was thinking about the whole jimin wanting to bulid muscles thing and i remembered blood sweat and tears era....the whole thing back then was that he was pushing himself to look like what an idol is 'supposed' to look like. so right now him trying to bulid muscles might be bcuz he wants to look more like a perfect idol and just have the kind of body that is expected of him as an idol. this is similar to many female idols trying to be really skinny to fit in with the toxic standards of being an idol. so more so than toxic masculinity i guess we should be worried about him conforming to toxic idol body standards.

If you don't mind, I agree with you.

Your point is equally part of the discourse: unrealistic male body standards, strict and toxic beauty standards for idols, toxic masculinity- I think they are all intersectional cousins living on the same continent. It don't mean they are mutually exclusive or that the presence of one excludes the other.

Jimin could very well be grappling with all of these at once we will never know- much like headache. You think it's just your head, next you know you feeling cold too, then you're dizzy, puking, passing out and explaining to your doctor why you're gay but think your period is late. Then you find out you're not pregnant but you wish you were because what you've been diagnosed with is far worse than being pregnant by a phantom Male who probably might have raped you when you were passed out even though you hate men and it's like WHAT ARE WE EVEN HERE ON EARTH FOR?!

Not that any of that happened to me.

As I said in the last post, I think skinny and androgymasculine is the body standard for men in Kpop. Most male idols who get cosmetic surgery or makeup do not do it to enhance their traditional masculine features. They try to look soft and feminine- especially around the jaw so it looks more oval and feminine.

When any of the members gain body weight they are immediately placed on a diet- whether or not that is healthy is another issue to debate on. You know what I think.

Fans and antis alike blatantly call the members fat and complain about their appearance, that they look chubby or fat even though sometimes it's just the bulkiness that comes from building muscles.

Much like Jimin defending Jungkook when a fan called him fat. He explained it was muscle not fat. What's wrong with being fat?

The fatphobia and fat shaming in Kpop is one conversation I sincerely don't think y'all are ready for, given recent events. Didn't Suga, the lady from Twice and one guy from Enhypen come under such vicious attacks for being fat in recent times?

People were making fun of her for being 'fat' and some assumed initially she was pregnant or something of the sorts- allegedly. Can't verify the source or identify how recent this was.

That this piece was written by someone called I love BTS is not ironic, the main irony is that the lady being fat shamed for showing her biceps and belly had just returned from a hiatus during which she had sought psychological treatment for her mental health.

The things these Idols do to maintain the looks we see on screen is outrageous and really worrying- to some of us at least. Jungkook recently saying he didn't eat anything for about 5 days when they filmed the butter MV gave me palpitations. I hope they stop glorifying these things as if it's something to be proud of. It's disconcerting at best. But what do I know, I have to leave people to make their own choices I'm told.

If I choose to harm myself because I feel pressured by my work environment it's not a choice it's oppression. Just saying.

And yes, people can CHOOSE to do bad things to themselves. it don't make those bad choices right and that's the nuance of the conversation we are having.

And I hope people who fat shame the boys know and understand the risks they take and how hard they work to meet these beauty and body standards- IT'S RIDICULOUS.

Jimin calling himself fat is not a choice. It's him cracking under the pressure of Idolhood. Like I said, he is prone to these things. And saying he is mature now and so he cannot be affected by these pressures is obtuse and toxically positive.

If you've been paying attention to Jimin for sometime now since On Era last year, he's not been talking positively about his body especially whenever they talk about his early days and when they've reacted to their debut.

He's talked about how his body looked so great then as compared to now- even though it was ON ERA and he looked pretty buffed- relatively speaking.

RM felt his biceps and told him his body now was ok. Seems to me whatever is going on with him and his view of his body now didn't just begin. Something is just acting as catalyst and bringing it all up to the surface.

He's comparing himself to his debut days and thinking that masculine aesthetics- which he himself said was a trap for him and was glad he had overcome that, "hurry up and be me now" - he's backpedaling to say that looks better than his present look.

Towards the end of 2020 we saw him proudly sporting Illucebra Arcanus- male and female adjectives, the bigender symbol, and proudly comparing his body to a flower because he says it was delicate.

But it seems to me he is struggling internally with identifying himself or trying to fit into these labels external to him. Not to be psychoanalytic or anything. I think I talked about this in one of my blogs. A florist described him as delicate during Run and he's since been using that word to describe his features. I think he wears his internal struggles on his identity on his sleeves which is very typical of people with dual like gender identities or identities that exist on a spectrum ranging from one form to the other rather than being gender A or B- sometimes those identities conflict.

He's on a journey to self discovery I'd say and that includes deciding for himself what he is rather than bending to the labels of what people think he is or should be.

Androgyny can be attained by make up, or clothes- it can be fashion or trend but it is also a valid form of identity.

All these songs they write about persona, ego, map of the soul... these are very Carl Jung in nature and it's not far fetched to assume they dabble in these things and learn from it to shape their own understanding of who they are- Jimin pays attention to these things and if you are a huge fan of his you'd know which moments I'm referring to.

Non of these however exempts him or preclude him from having toxic notions of masculinity I'm afraid.

It's like assuming gay people can't be homophobic or black people can't be racist.

I don't know why people are struggling to wrap around that Jimin struggles with toxic masculinity tendencies when he has addressed that very issue himself on several occasions- I'm simply putting a name to it. Toxic masculinity don't mean he is a toxic person or man. A toxic man can have toxic masculinity on top of his toxicity.

A woman can be a perpetrator of toxic masculinity if they are prone to expecting men to behave in a certain way that is harmful to men and other women.

These are the people who call skinny, effeminate men weak and gay and expect or encourage men to be heroes, and violent and aggressive and even nurture those traits in their men.

I do agree with Jimin pushing himself to look like the perfect idol in the past- I did, have and will continue to condemn that choice he makes from time to time just as I condemn the toxic masculinity now.

It's interesting how you see him bending to the pressures to look as an idol in kpop as a problem and articulate it well but fail to see that an ad which is pro manly men would have a similar effect on him to push him to look a certain way which is opposite of how he looks naturally- especially when he's been questioning himself for quite some time now.

If fat shaming causes idols to loose weight, there's a shaming that causes effeminate men to want to bulk up. And if the former is fatphobia and can be internalized, the later is toxic masculinity and can be internalized too.

If an idol loosing weight to meet a strict standard is not about their choice and personal body preference, skinny men gyming to bulk up isn't so much about choice either. It's nuanced in that way and those two can be happening together at the same time.

I'm ok if he is not feeling pressured to look a certain way- whether skinny or buff. If it's his choice and his alone it is not toxic masculinity or internalized fatphobia.

I loved reading your POV. Thank you.

Signed,

GOLDY

[andallthatmishigas]

Thanks so much for following me!

Can’t wait to read your all your fic once I get moved to my new (to me anyway) house and things settle down a bit in (hopefully) the next month or so.

I’m especially looking forward to reading your Jopper fic and your Ellie x Alan fic, but also Downton Abbey/Cora x Robert fic eventually once I (hopefully) do a rewatch!

You are truly a gift to any fandom you’re in with all the writing you do and we’re lucky to have you in all of these wonderful fandoms!

Like I wish I could write even half as much as you do, but alas, I’m constantly plagued with procrastination and fear.

If you don’t mind me asking, how do you overcome that procrastination and fear as a fic writer?

Well see this is why I had to follow, we have all the best ships and fandoms in common!

Thank you so much for such lovely words oh my goodness. I’d love to hear your thoughts when/if you do read any of my stories, but GOOD LUCK WITH THE MOVE! I hate moving and it’s so stressful but I’m sure it’ll be so worth it to be in your new space.

And in answer to your question, I will be honest and say that I don’t really feel a lot of procrastination and fear about my writing? And that’s for a couple reasons.

First, I started writing fic back in 2011 because I had an idea in my head that just wouldn’t leave me alone. And that is still the case. I write because I have stories to tell. And they are stories I want out in the world mostly for me to be able to go back and read but also sometimes for my friends or for a fandom challenge or whatever. I write because I want to, because I have a story I want to tell.

Second, when I first started posting, it was on ffn and that’s it. I didn’t know anyone in any fandom, I wasn’t in any fandom spaces, I wasn’t (yet) on tumblr. So there’s no fear in putting something out in the world when you don’t know if anyone will see it, and if they do, they can’t really tie it to you. The people who read my early Harry Potter fics were my roommate and total strangers. Their opinions on my work had no bearing on me personally. They don’t know me and can’t find me and therefore I had no concerns about readers at that point.

Third, because of how I started writing and because my path has always been writing because I want to tell my stories, there isn’t much concern with procrastination for me. I don’t procrastinate things I want to do. If I’m tired or not in the mood, I work on another story or I just don’t write that night. It’s my hobby for me, and when it stops being for me, it stops being a good outlet for my creativity.

And I will be honest, I do get really disheartened sometimes when engagement dips because while these are my stories I want to tell, the interaction with readers and friends really has become one of the most important parts. Like I’ve got a story I’ve been working on for more than a year and I just don’t update it often because no one is reading and reviewing/commenting. And I’m gonna finish it and I do love working on it, but it’s hard to be motivated when it’s really just for me.

But it doesn’t stop me from writing! The only time I’ve ever abandoned a story is when I didn’t want to work on it anymore. The only stories I’ve ever written were ones that I wanted to write. This is a hobby for YOU and that’s the most important thing. If YOU like what you’ve written, you’re golden. Looking for the external validation from others is only ever going to cause heartache. And I’m fully guilty of it. The serotonin shot from a comment or review? Out of this world. But that cannot be why you write. That will only burn you in the end.

Writing should be fun. Fandom should be fun. And more often than not (especially in these fandoms that you and I seem to share), people are extremely kind. No one is going to be mean to you for writing something. Everyone is always excited for more content. So please don’t be afraid. Please have fun.