#i am not allowed to regress or make mistakes because in the past that has been used to hurt me . it has been weaponized against me

[hypnowave]

making proportional, neatly lined, colored and shaded art pieces of my original characters is not enough i need to vomit brightly colored paint all over cheap art store canvasses & make 7 billion wonky clay pots that will explode in the kiln & weave ropes into intricate macrame textiles just to set them on fire & sew together unsightly clothing articles of clashing patterns and textures & make handmade recycled paper & build wooden plane miniatures while trying not to choke on wood chips

[the-rad1o-demon]

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Started by Isabella Smith As a concerned citizen, I am deeply troubled by the potential consequences of Project 2025, which threatens to undermine the hard-fought rights and freedoms that we hold dear in the United States. This petition aims to shed light on the alarming implications of this project and rally support to prevent its implementation. This plan is personal to me because it poses a direct threat to marginalized communities, including members of the LGBTQ+ community and individuals seeking reproductive healthcare. As an advocate for equality and choice, I strongly believe that everyone should have the right to live their lives authentically without fear or discrimination. Project 2025 has been proposed by the Heritage Foundation with intentions that are deeply concerning. If implemented, this project would grant Republicans in power unprecedented authority over legislation related to civil rights, potentially enabling them to make LGBT people illegal and outlaw all forms of abortion across our nation. In their Mandate For Leadership book, they want to outlaw many laws and freedoms we currently have for the sake of their own personal beliefs which will bring upon a dark time in American History. Here are some videos that best explain what the book is about and some of the things Republicans want to implement.

A Deep Dive into Project 2025’s 900 page manifesto, let’s get to it. As a single mom, this document was terrifying to read. There’s a whole section regarding single parent households and basically saying 1/2. PROJECT 2025: They have a plan to make Trump dictator.#wontbesilent #tryit #vote #blue #trump #explode #project2025 Let's consider some well-known historical events as cautionary tales. Throughout history, minority groups have faced discrimination when their rights were left vulnerable due to political shifts or changes in leadership. We must learn from these past mistakes and ensure that our society continues progressing towards inclusivity rather than regressing into intolerance. By signing this petition today, you can join me in urging decision-makers at all levels of government – local, state, and federal – as well as influential organizations within our society not to support or allow Project 2025's implementation. Together we can protect the fundamental rights enshrined in our Constitution while fostering an environment that respects and celebrates diversity. Let us stand united against any initiative that threatens the rights and freedoms of our fellow citizens. Sign this petition to stop Project 2025 and safeguard the progress we have made towards a more inclusive society. Thank you for your support in defending equality, choice, and human rights for all.

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[ohmerricat]

now that i’ve deferred because a uni degree is nothing but an entrance ticket into moderate financial security and not worth utterly obliterating my mental health over i am compiling my own curriculum. all the posts i’ve ever tagged with #ref because they contain essays articles and other texts that i want to read but have never gotten around to, all that goes on the list. around fifty academic articles and book chapters downloaded onto my laptop from jstor while i still have access to it, tailored to fit my personal interests.

rearranging my self-education. little mx autodidact. carving out a passage through the brambles with a freshly sharpened machete. make no mistake, the thorns are piercing and will continue to tear at my exposed limbs, but the pain is worth the fruits of knowledge at the end, real knowledge and not something superimposed from above. i know, i know, undergrads aren’t afforded that freedom of narrowing our study, it’s something earned with time and effort and only fully permitted at a “higher” level of education, but who determines these levels?

it sounds silly and rash, but it’s a long-deliberated decision. the university environment is not right for my weird brain despite my literary inclinations, and i prefer to select my own path towards learning while working a low paying job on the side. perhaps i’ll return in a year’s time after all, matured and mellowed, hardened or roughened with real-life experience and online self-teaching, to pursue liberal arts as the most, well, liberated pathway. maybe not.

maybe if i had gone to one of those colleges where they allow you to pick and choose your own modules for your degree entirely (like one of the people that i most admire on this website did in its time) things would have gone down differently, but alas. let the world keep turning and let everything that serves no purpose any longer decompose and compost into something new .

“what has this got to do with autism?” you may ask, “i’m autistic and i completed a normal bachelors’ degree just fine.” your answer: having been in a place of moderate autistic burnout for years that abruptly turned severe in the past few months, my bodymind has shifted into what is known rather disparagingly under the medical model as “autistic regression” or “regressive autism”: a gradual distancing further and further away from accepted neurotypical standards of moving through and navigating the world around me.

one of the ways in which this unmasking presents itself, apart from the more noticeable characteristics such as outwardly visible stimming and a complete absence of eye contact, is a total inability to focus on, be motivated by and/or engage in any (textual, literary, cinematic etc etc) materials that do not connect at least tangentially or superficially with my special interests (that being ghosts/hauntings, hauntology, folk horror, lovecraftiana/cosmic horror, horror in general, the gothic, neurodiversity, alternative music; narratives/storytelling, folklore/fairytales; queer theory; carceral abolition and liberation; and a few other subjects here unlisted). according to normative capitalist logic of usefulness and productivity, that makes me “severely disabled” by virtue of “restricted interests”. i would say it makes me a interesting person with tall twisted tales to tell, but nevermind that silly nonsense, it’s a mad person speaking.

at this present moment i have no motivation, wish nor desire to continue wasting time and energy attempting to study and remember things that do not connect with the key concepts that my mind is constantly orbiting around. if that makes me incurious or annoying or limited, so be it — this neurological difference affects every aspect of my personality and i do not wish to change it. if the world around us refuses to change, we must either alter it ourselves or construct our own pathways out of the shadows and into the moonlit garden.

[blackjackkent]

Doing some meta pondering on character arcs for future chapters of "Open Your Eyes and It Will Blind You" (x) while waiting for the dye to set in my hair at the salon.

(I find I feel weirdly embarrassed talking about this fic; the fact that Jaheira/Rasaad did not exist at ALL on AO3 as a pairing threw me for a loop and has convinced my brain that I am being Self-Indulgent and Weird despite the fact that literally all fic is Self-Indulgent and Weird and that is why we love it. XD So I am trying to push myself past that and allow myself to be excited about the thing regardless. #personalgrowth That said, this really is just me thinking out loud so feel free to ignore, lol.)

As I said to Springy when she was helping me beta the first chapter - one of the big challenges I'm encountering with this fic is that I think Jaheira and Rasaad would be good being together post-BG2, but writing/plotting them getting together is a little like pulling teeth - they are both people with very strong emotions who have lost much, but they are also both reserved as hell about actually sharing/showing/indulging those feelings visibly.

I have spent a considerable amount of time studying the romance dialogue both of them have with the PC in BG2, but it was no help because BOTH of them have a romance arc centered around the question "Oh gods, what am I doing, what if this is a mistake" and all of the conversations are "[has a feeling] [immediately backpedals]" until the PC basically has to whack them upside the head with their intentions. And Khalid says in Siege of Dragonspear that his original courtship of Jaheira back in the Harpers consisted of him slamming through a hospital door and pouring his heart out to her while she was injured and couldn't hide from the Feels, and it turned out she'd already been sitting on the same feelings for months. XD

So - the question becomes how two people who are BOTH that reticent about their emotions manage to get past it and reach an understanding.

My intention is that the next chapter will make clear that the feelings are there (probably helped on by some Avariel wine at Quayle's birthday party), which will spook both of them, with Rasaad's response being "time to run back to Calimshan, face the music, and die" (kicking off the actual plot as the squad demands to come along with him), because healthy coping mechanisms are a foreign concept in Faerun.

So they will both be sitting with that awareness from pretty early in the story, hopefully leaning into one of my favorite tropes: "The feelings are actually requited, they're both just dumbasses." But as for the actual incident that pushes them to acknowledge those feelings...hm.

Fundamentally, I see both of their character arcs in this story, even before the romance, as being about looking forward vs looking back. Jaheira feels stagnated with no battles left to fight and Rasaad is trapped by his regret over what the monks half a world a way think of him. Ultimately Rasaad's epiphany in going back to Calimshan is not that he is forgiven by the monks there (for something he didn't even do), but realizing that he does not need their approval because he has grown beyond who he was when he lived there and has people who truly care about him and know him. Jaheira's is a little more nebulous, but I see it as building off of Caden's comment in the first chapter that sometimes simply living is enough - that a grand purpose is not always required to live a worthwhile life (this is a topic I've been thinking about a lot in the context of my own life lately and feels like a worthwhile theme to explore).

(Obviously Jaheira is eventually going to get drawn back to Baldur's Gate and a life of purpose in the war against the Absolute, and based on her BG3 dialogue it's clear that she's regressed a bit in this regard from any progress she might make with Rasaad. XD But I don't think that negates the possibility of her being able to have some happiness for a while.)

However... I think I want any romance development to be independent of these epiphanies, because "I have realized I have something to live for because you exist" is a perfectly satisfying trope but feels like a lessening of these characters in this scenario. "I have realized I have life ahead of me, and consequently but unrelatedly am opening myself to you" has more appropriate depth, I think.

Honestly, there are two existing moments in BG2 that feel like they might make sense to build from that I might end up adapting into the fic...

First is a moment from Jaheira's in-game romance. She wakes from a dream where Khalid was watching her but she was unable to reach him; the PC can comment that perhaps Khalid is happy to see that she still has people to travel with and isn't alone, and she says something to the effect of "it wasnt the whole group, it was just you and me. But I think you may be right." It's actually a really sweet little moment, one of the more emotionally resonant bits of the romance line.

The other moment is a bit of banter between Rasaad and Aerie if neither of them are romanced. They're chatting and she makes some subtle comments about wanting to spend more time with him, and it goes completely over his head. The PC then had the chance to chime in and tease him about missing her signals. ("you have no idea what's going on here, do you"). Given the characters involved in this fic, it might make sense for Caden to get involved in playing matchmaker a bit in the late story after the feelings have been stewing for a while.

Anyway... again, mostly thinking out loud but I want to make sure my thoughts are in order. I'm not used to writing multi-chapter fics and it's a very unique challenge trying to make sure the emotional through-line is set up at the beginning and carries through to the end.

[cinnnam0nngir16]

M

At times, I have heard people say that looking for love is futile. This can’t be true. The skin we were born in isn’t a body of water; the aches we feel are only the frost, not the depths of a harsh winter. If time isn’t the cure for my loneliness, what is it? If the progress isn’t linear, what makes sense of my habitual regression to rage and regrets? Why is it that when the bright yellow wallpaper peels off in my room, I can taste bitterness in my mouth? 

I have had similar dreams where I saw the Empress from the Rider Waite Tarto deck, illustrated by Pamela Colman Smith. The Empress didn’t have golden hair or a pomegranate-embroidered gown, nor was she holding a diamond sceptre. Instead, she sat on my bedside and smoothed the wrinkles on my sheets. A strange familiarity in her gaze made my stomach churn. I started to cry like a newborn: tears bolted off my face and merged into a tiny puddle. 

“Stay. Please, stay,” I wanted to say, but I couldn’t unstitch my sewn lips. I tried to avoid her burning gaze, but my eyelids were glued into a naked glare. It made me think of the dead animals I saw on the streets as a child; a compulsion drove me to look at their bloodied fur and lifeless bodies. I absorbed their owners' grief like an engine and learned to tune it into my own. 

In the darkness of my room, a faint blue light cast over the Empress’s figure. She taught me to forgive despair and remain tender. I read to her about the bats and the owl, the Yew Tree and the glassy moon. She did not understand the mild eyes of the moon. “But why doesn’t the moon see any of it?” she asked. But Plath and I both knew; we knew that the moon saw everything and understood the heartache that roamed from silence. We knew that silence was the cause of our deepest suffering. 

In the letter to her mother, Plath wrote, “I write only because there is a voice that will not be still within me.” The unspoken. When these words shatter into letters and wedge into frames of my memories, I have to pick them out of my flesh and let myself bleed a little bit more. To endure the throbbing pain of my mistakes is to repent for my silence. It is to say: I have decided to unravel my troubles and fall victim to the charge of introspection. I am to set myself in perpetual motion, thinking, “I am sorry,” until the day it builds up the courage to swim up my throat. 

Somewhere in real life, my counsellor was scribbling words down on her notepad and asking me questions. 

“Are you close to her?”

In my head was an image of the Empress sitting on my bed. My skin stung when I saw her hesitation to reach for my hand. 

I wanted to tell the counsellor that the truth is, you can never be close enough to someone. You can hold each other tightly, you can clutch their hands and press yourself against their chest, but there remain two pieces of skin and two sets of rib cages that set you apart— you can’t sync up the rhythm of your heartbeat. An indestructible distance exists between people, an interspace that swells into a void within our already isolated body. 

To seek the answer to these questions is to return to my dreams— a realm of fiction where everything has a spiritual meaning and symbolic importance. When I became a stranded island in the Pacific Ocean, the Empress came looking for me as a wandering albatross; when I was a failed rocket ship plummeting through the exosphere, she caught me in a Magellanic spiral; when I was a bishop genuflecting in a cathedral, she came in celestial clouds and brought a piece of heaven to earth. 

In a dream where I was a cannibal rejected by humanity, the Empress found me on the brink of starvation. Holding me in her arms, she said, “I allow you to consume my flesh and drink my blood”. 

The counsellor’s voice swung past the back of my head: “How close is close?” 

What distance exists within the bonding of blood cells, tissues, and fibroblasts? What weight of love must one bear to sacrifice herself for a flesh-eating monster? When diabolical forces are unleashed, who returns to the barren land where her child resides? 

I was once inside my mother’s body. She carried me for forty weeks and sculpted a version of herself: the same knobby knees and quick temper, the same twist in our eyebrows, sharing the same anguish that fueled our desire to venture far from our own mothers. Some scientists believe that sadness is hereditary; it is a curse that fell long before she was mine and I was hers. 

The sadness my mother feels isn’t a fetishisation of my own. She sees it because I am a mirror reflecting her youth. She understands it intimately, having cradled the same emotions thirty years ago. 

“Distance had an extraordinary power,” wrote Virginia Woolf. I remember the day very clearly: at the exit of the airport lounge, amidst white walls and the murmurs of conversations, I turned around and saw my mother standing on the opposite side of the glass. Her hand gestured as if shooing away a child; the arch of her lips mouthed the word “go”. I knew she had forgiven me then. But the silence was choking—a distance spawned from the mere separation of a glass to two thousand kilometres. There is no metric to measure the weight of guilt. 

I have always had this profound loneliness within me. It almost feels clinical, like a dull pain in my chest. Loneliness ravages my possessions: I hold on to nothing but air when I extend my arms; my pillow feels like a piece of paper. I imagine my skin conjuring into a water-like consistency, and I can’t find the strength to fight it. To eradicate the disease of loneliness is to find love: “Love had a thousand shapes.” It seems that finding love is not futile; it found me in the shape of a woman. 

When it comes right down to it, I realise my love for my mother has been muted by my cowardice; it is blighted by the poison of pride. I would find myself in distress, typing in the search bar, do I need to say I love you to mean it, and constantly thinking about how I should have apologised to her at the airport. 

After the day I announced my decision to leave the country, my mother and I started getting into heated arguments about minor things all the time. 

By the time the university offer came through, we had almost stopped speaking to each other entirely. My father congratulated me over the phone and said he would miss his little girl, but I couldn’t help but glance at my mother, hoping for a reaction. While waiting for the plane ticket to download, I noticed that the yellow wallpaper had started to peel off in the living room. Underneath the curled edge was a moulded grey. 

“We won’t have to argue again soon,” she broke the silence. Her voice was frail. 

“I never wanted to,” I snapped at her almost immediately, “you were always picking on me.” 

Instead of continuing to tell me how I should have been more responsible or scolding me for not respecting her, she said nothing. My eyes fell back onto the yellow wallpaper, and my tongue suddenly felt stale and bitter. 

My flight was scheduled to leave at seven in the morning. Having felt agitated and restless for days, I wanted to tell her how terribly I would miss her and how much I loved her, but my tongue got stuck in my throat whenever I tried to speak up. I didn’t want to show her my vulnerability and uncertainty about starting this new life: a new journey I was about to embark on, a path I had chosen. 

The night before my flight, an inevitable argument erupted from our conversation: “Why won’t you just tell me that you’re proud of me and be happy for me?” I screamed at her, fighting back my tears. 

“I am proud of you,” she said, “why do you keep trying to get away from us?”

“No, from YOU,” an evil force compelled me to spit out these words. My head spun. “Because you make me sad. Because you keep trying to make me stay here, and it’s my life.” That night, I prayed to God for the first time in years, begging for my mother’s forgiveness.

“Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent,” said Psalm 4:4. The guilt was thrashing. I have never learnt the language of love, yet I have been spoken to with nothing but tenderness. It dawns on me now that a mother’s forgiveness requires more than a willingness to understand. 

When I hugged her before entering the security checkpoint, I felt like I was holding on to her like a drowning man to a piece of floating wood, gasping for one last breath of air before descending to the ocean's depths. 

I remember a friend asking me what I would want to be in my next life if I could choose. I said I wanted to be a seabird: I wished to stretch my wings and travel to the far side of the ocean. She smiled and told me she wanted to be in a world where her mother lived— whether as her mother’s mother, father, husband or sister — just to be a part of her existence before she was her mother. 

Years ago, when I posed the same question to my mother, she told me she wanted to be a rock— a sturdy, plain, solid lump devoid of emotions and thoughts: an unyielding fullness untouched by the damage of learning happiness, anger and fear, relieved of all burdens inherent in the body of a flesh and bone being. 

I was disappointed by her answer. I expected nothing less than “I would still want to be your mother”. What makes sense of this profound selfishness within me? How is it fair that I wanted to be freed entirely, yet still longed for her to be a part of my existence? 

There is nothing fair about a mother’s love. 

After all, looking for love isn’t futile; it finds me where I exist. The love resides in the very fabric of my body, weaving through my dreams and staying with me in distant lands. The cure for my loneliness comes from within: to confront the silence is to peer beyond the edge of winter and surrender to warmth, letting the light in. 

___________________________________________________________

I call you at a quarter past ten.

It is loud there, you say.

When can you make it home?

I am standing near a gated window,

neon red and yellow,

kiss the rain and await the rapture.

You travel through the whim of time

returning a promise,

beholding the greyest of all skies.

Someone who I never got to know

told you it would be easier to try less and learn to transcend.

In another land of wind,

birds and salted sea,

I find you resting on the shore.

A grain of sand is a tiny rock

withered

down by time’s relentless force.

I plunge my beak to catch a fish

water twirls in a stormy swish.

You blend into the stream,

travelling down the river’s route,

towards the distant ocean,

finally washed ashore on an island,

joining me on the other end of the world.

The rain brushes down my face against the phone. I say,

I’m sorry, mum. I love you.

[lurking96]

Reading the BNHA leaks and seeing that Bakugou apologises made me think of some things that I wish to hear your thoughts about.

The apology is very much about Bakugou as it feels like he is doing it more for himself. As he is doing it in public with all of 1A watching. As I fear it will pressure Izuku to accept. As I do wish it was just between the two of them. However it is great that Bakugou has acknowledged his past mistake. As this a good beginning and a good first step towards them having a positive relationship. If Bakugou character doesn't regress.

However then I saw the stans reaction. As they are acting like this makes Bakugou exempt from all his past misdeeds. As if this apology makes up for the bullying and violence.

Your thoughts?

Thank you and have a nice day

Thank you for your ask Okay. Here is my opinion. It is only based on what the fan translations give us so the oifficial translation may change points. As you stated the apology is very much about Bakugou himself. He doesn’t talk about Izukus feelings or what he could have caused him. He tries to justify his behavior. He talks about his own feelings. About the reasons he made up in his own head to bully him. After his justification comes the apology. Most translations boil down to “I am sorry for what I did up until now.” He says sorry. But he doesn’t acknowledge what he is sorry for. He is really unspecific. He lacks details. To the people around that are listening this might just sound like “Bakugou is apologising for being a bit more rough around him.”. The Class lacks the context. They do not know what he is talking about. You brought up the class too as a way for Izuku to be pressured. And this makes sense. Bakugou is aware that Izuku is in a bad mental state. He does not give out details of his bullying and abuse because the class that is there to further pressure Izuku might be appalled by it. Bakugou seemingly does not want consequences. He wants to take a rather easy way out. Get the apology over with and have Izuku be forced to accept it. It does not speak well for him that just a few chapters ago he still insulted him. He still screamed at his classmates. And Bakugous character has a history of saying something that shows character developement to then just regress two chapters later. So far the apology seems very weak. And unless the future chapters show him changed it is basically void. An apology is just a first step in the right direction. If further ones are not taken then it is useless. I also do not see the need in Izuku letting him back into his life. Just because you forgave someone does not mean they are allowed back in your house. If they can not accept your boundaries then they have not learned their lesson. A former bully/abuser and their victim do not need to become best friends or more. Yes they were “childhood friends” but that was for a rather short moment like a decade in the past.  Sorry for a bit of a rant but so far that is kinda my opinion. Have a nice day too.

[masterthespianduchovny]

Tbh, I believe some of the reaction to Steve’s ending is an overreaction and, mostly, nothing to do with Steve or the point they are defending. I want to stress that I am saying some before people mistake that as well. And if you disagree, that’s fine.

1. In MY experience, because I’m not going to pretend ive read most takes on Endgame or read every crevice, people only talk about the timeline being ruined when it came to what Steve did and NOT how other timelines were meddled with. Someone could argue that Steve intentionally meddled, but according to the rules of time travel, intentionality doesn’t matter.

Who knows the unforeseen consequences behind knocking out Tony’s reactor. Who knows what happens with old cap after encountering endgame cap and not only fighting him, but hearing the name “Bucky?” Who knows the consequences of thanos and quo being transported 9 years into the future. Or what about the lady that spots Steve and Tony? And how Tony conversed with his dad.

We’re told or it’s implied that any interference can have devastating consequences, yet only Steve’s last decision is obsessively discussed.

2. Peggy’s agency allegedly being undermined. Sure, people could argue by the sheer virtue of going back in time and talking to her he’s undermined her agency, but we don’t even know how their original discussion went. We do not know what went down and people are robbing Peggy of her agency by essentially stating that Peggy had no choice in the matter.

Are we forgetting how intelligent Peggy is? That Peggy potentially asked Steve how was any of “this” even possible and the implication of his actions. And if it come off as condescending or patronizing, I apologize, but imho, it appears that some people, generally speaking, believe that because they dislike something that’s the same as it being bad. Other than, they just dislike what was given to us.

But, how does this undermine Peggy’s arc or rob her of her agency? How? I think some people want it to mean that her arc was undermined to prove Steve shouldn’t have went back to the past. And do people actually care about Peggy’s unnamed husband whose face we never see? Do they really care about her kids?

3. Bucky. People often cite the end of the line remark, but honestly, I think that’s being seen through a shipper lens. Steve and Bucky will clearly fight for each other to make sure the other is safe when they’re in present danger and will advocate for each other if necessary, but they’ve never been joined at the hip.

These are two people who are close who not only regularly acted independent of each other pre serum, was fine going long stretches without being around each other. I’m not even sure if they wrote each other letters. But, they most defintely love and care for each other.

So, pre serum Steve and Bucky are close, but aren’t around each other all of the time. They are fine going long stretches of time without communicating. And, even when reunited after Steve stormed the base solo, they still largely do their own thing. But, even back then, they’d die for each other.

When we get to winter soldier, Bucky’s death was still fresh for Steve. It’s only been a “few” years for him. He still feel responsible for not being able to save Bucky. But, not only that, Bucky was experimented on, was brainwashed, and a POW of Hydra’s—not only is Steve going to take that personally, he wasn’t going to give up on hydra even if it killed him.

Post destroying the helicarriers, Steve wants to look for Bucky after the film concludes to make sure Bucky is safe and has everything he needs.

In civil war, Steve’s mission goes from checking in on buckys well being to making sure Bucky isn’t murdered for something he was forced to do. When Bucky was originally arrested unharmed, Steve was fine. He’s not obsessing over Bucky. Then, when Bucky is brainwashed again, Steve refuses to leave Bucky to his own devices.

After civil war, Steve drops Bucky off in Wakanda and doesn’t think twice about it. Bucky is safe and has the proper resources to heal. They spend two more years apart; they largely haven’t spent any significant time together since Bucky regained his memory. Steve might have called Bucky via T’Challa.

And, just to be clear, I’m not arguing against stucky, it’s not my ship, but people can ship whatever they like, it’s the fact that we’re consistently shown that Steve and Bucky aren’t dependent on each other. That their lives and decisions do not revolve around one another. The idea that Bucky needs Steve or that Steve is abandoning Bucky is absurd.

4. Steve’s ending being a regression. People argue that Steve’s storyline is about moving on all while overlooking the fact that he consistently struggled with doing it.

In winter soldier, nat tries to get him to go on dates and Steve points out that is hard because the lack of shared experience. He clings to both Peggy and Bucky in different ways. They are both living, breathing pieces of his past that he was “taken” from.

Instead of having Sharon kiss him and this go no where (because it was poorly developed), they should’ve had Steve reflect on what Peggy’s death mean to him personally and moving on with his life. I guess her death and the kiss was supposed to signify that, but we don’t actually explore the character. We don’t allow him to sit with it. These things are done to shortcut the storytelling without actually exploring it in the world. But, Steve doesn’t talk about moving or and none of his actions support this in the overall story. Again, what we do see is for the benefit of the viewer and not Steve.

But, the biggest thing is: why do people conveniently ignore that what happened in infinity wars could lead to a huge regression? People talk about how Steve was “moving on”, but ignore the five year hell of post snap and him admitting that they “the avengers” couldn’t move on. That their failure would leak into other parts of his life as well and make him reconsider things?

5. Found family. It’s quite clear that the avengers, most of them, largely do not hang out together. They aren’t around each other unless they’re saving the world. Steve did not abandon his family or the avengers. They got along, but they all lived their own lives. And, it’s quite self centered to think you can’t ever leave a group because they can’t function without you. There were more avengers apart of the team then when Steve originally joined, some are powerful than he is and others have shown that they are just as capable leaders as he was or can grow into the role like he did.

But, the idea that Steve “abandoned” the avengers when they needed him most is absurd. His job was to prevent and protect NOT rebuild society. In infinity wars, he fathered the avengers. When the snap happened, he stayed and fought whatever threats popped up, but also ran a support group. Steve stuck through the worst of it. Steve didn’t give up on anyone despite being mentally exhausted. He unselfishly supported humanity as much as he could during that time.

Most of these criticisms ignore that Steve was always sacrificing and living for others. He was always a soldier first. And part of the reason he was so dedicated was because he couldn’t move on.

Many of these criticisms are so spiteful and most of them aren’t even because these fans care about Steve. They care about a found family that doesn’t exist. They care about a ship or ships that are now sunk. Some are upset that Steve lived and Tony died. But, many of them aren’t actually about Steve.

Nat doesn’t get shit for being willing to run away to be with Bruce in age of ultron. Tony doesn’t get shit for abandoning the avengers for five years because they “didn’t listen to him.” Others are allowed to make selfish decisions and put themselves first, but when Steve does it “what about found family??? What about the avengers???”

Almost everyone gets to live their lives MINUS Steve. Clint retired. Tony considered retiring before civil war. Like, minus going to the past and staying there, almost every criticism thrown at Steve can be found in another avenger who received little to no criticism in comparison.

Lastly, I’d also argue that Steve’s selfishness IS a sign of growth. People are allowed to be selfish at times. People are allowed to put themselves first.

At the time, it was important for Steve to move on because he couldn’t change the past. He had to live in the here and now.

But, then an opportunity was presented to him.

“I can go back.”

Steve living in the present was coping. He barely lived his life for himself.

People don’t have to like the ending and the time travel stuff doesn’t make sense from any perspective, but most of these angry takes aren’t about Steve at all.

[tarasylnin-lavellan]

Justice’s Decision

"You are not the hounds that I was expecting," balefully glowing blue eyes watched the pair from the trees.

"DIRTHAMENS SHADOWY BALLS DON'T DO THAT

!" Harel was near panicked by the sudden words. Cole turned to the source an exclaimed "Your here!" Tara stepped further into the weak dawn light painting her pale face in the washed out illumination. "You've come sniffing around for me, Da'len. Unfortunately, you've trekked all this way for nothing. You should leave before the inquisition truly comes bearing down its arms. I would not want to see you bloody your hands." Tara looked worn to the end of breaking and her hands shook as she rested one against a tree. "Because they will come, they will have too, they will come with dogs and armor; and I won't have them hunt you too you must run, run any direction but mine." 

Harel looked at the woman before her, eyebrows climbing in frank astonishment is this truly what she believed that a hoard of hunters was on her trail? "Are you daft? Mad? Tara we came here to find you to stop you from running away! No one is hunting you!" Tara's head snapped toward Harel and she flinched at the sudden movement 

"Not yet they aren't, not yet, you did get here remarkably fast however. I don't know how you found me so quickly, but for your own safety you have to run." Cole’s weak but insistent voice answered Tara's confusion "We found you when you didn't want to be found, we know you're hurting and we want to help. Please! Let me help!" Tara snarled deep in her chest an animal wounded near to madness " I didn't want to be found for good reason! You knew that Dalen, I won't have you hurt because of ME!" As the turmoil in Tara grew a deep blue light coiled out from her, darker than the previous time its darkness reflecting her own. "Just go..." the words were tired and sad. 

Cole and Harel stand side by side as Tara attempts to frighten the pair off, but they're stock still, their faces unchanging even as the blue wisps lick out at them threateningly. Harel watched the display meant to panic them "we're not leaving." Cole spoke softly hearing the desperate hurt in Tara the rents in her soul. "burdens break your back till your body aches. We will help carry. We must..." Tara face goes blank as she thinks of returning the pain too much. "I cannot go back, and I cannot stop them from hunting me you can't be in the path of danger not for me. No one else is dying because I was made into a weapon No one I. will. not. allow. it."  Harel started to feel an indignant anger rising in her this damned woman "WILL YOU PUT THAT STUPID FUCKING SELFLESSNESS DOWN FOR ONE SECOND!!! her fists clenched tightly in frustration "you are not a weapon, YOURE TARA! You're so much stronger than you think, please, please don't lose yourself!

Cole could feel the choking fear the panic coiling its hateful tendrils around Tara. "I don't like this. It feels cold, like wind before the storm." Harel held her hands out to Tara in supplication "no one's going to hurt you, please, just come back. No one will get you, well make sure of it please don't run away." Cole felt it then the old memory the screaming of a child taken by Hate. "There are no templars! No voices screaming! You don't have to run, shouting mamae. You don't have to.....

Tara felt herself losing control and gripped her head in dread. " They will follow you here, I made a mistake, I am a fool. I never should have allowed a Templar to love me, just even think that I was normal, that I was even close to worthy of being normal! Just go..." The light of her bound soul swirled darker wrapping close to her. Harel called trying to break the hold of the panic "you're a lot of things but a fool isn't one. you need to calm down, you're scaring Cole. And me, just a bit. You're not going to hurt us and we're afraid but we're afraid FOR you. Please. Calm down" Tara's eyes closed and tears streamed down her face "my fault, I am too blame, I knew better" she fell to her knees "I knew better. Cole felt the hurt old and jagged wrapped in layers of walls now exposed and screaming monster, a monster I am a monster. "don't drown in yourself. The lion roars in grief not in rage. Please. Don't hurt yourself, it's hurting us, hurting him." Tara choked on the fear on the hatred she felt inside " His eyes I CANT no... No I can't I just hurt people I can't" she curled around the pain "this is my fault." Cole reached trying to tug on the pain but it was so old so omnipresent that he couldnt tug it loose. "you're a sword and a scalpel and a shield. You don't hurt because you want to, like Erimond and Samson, you hurt because you have to. You protect and pretend to step above the thing in you, to be more than just the breath and the purpose. Stop hurting yourself!" A ragged sob tore from Tara "I hurt everything I touch! I cannot go back not now not ever, I cannot bear to the see fear in his eyes.... I cannot watch him break inside."  

Cole felt it within her the desperate need to be accepted for this to be a bad dream. Tara wanted to stay but she was so afraid of it she ran away. But one person was there, a light shining in dark forest of her mind. "breathe. This isn't you. It's the fear, the forgotten one speaking. You can't let it talk over you and control everything. You're losing yourself to what you think will happen. Lions roar but they don't bite without reason, the serpent curls around his paws and he's silent." He conjured the thought of Dorian like a Talisman, trying to calm her down.

Tara latched onto the one person she knew didn't fear her with the desperate strength of a drowning person. "Dorian? What could he say? how could he" Her eyes began to lighten in color with her brothers mention. Cole reached for it pulling the threads in her "he shouts over the noise of the old songs, the trauma of the circle, the fires in Kirkwall. He screams instead of hissing, his love and his hate all so that the lion knows, knowledge dripping like sweat when you held him, shaking craving the blue song. He learned its name and now the lion has a shape on his tongue to call your eyes." Tara stares at the boy in desperate, sad, hope mute. But the light has returned to crystal blue and slowed curling around her like mist again. Cole reaches for the hurt and speaks "Put your sword down, the scales don't have to fill with blood. You fear the inevitable even when it isn't to be. It's ok to fear, to be afraid of what might happen, but it won't." Cole stares forward, ice blue eyes unmoving and unblinking as if he speaks to Tara and yet, not to her at all. As if he speaks to someone else entirely "Don't be afraid but don't be angry. You're safe, Da'len."

Tara wanted to believe, she needed to believe but everything she had ever learned told her otherwise. She whispers "How could he ever see past..." Cole watched her with sadness in his eyes "Monsters are real, he's seen them before. He needs to look again, like a mouse who's lost its tail to a trap, he needs to see, to know that it's not the same. Love is love and you'll give him back his tail." Tara knelt trying to pull the frayed pieces of her mind back together. Her mothers voice spoke in her heart, and she looked up "I cannot go back to the castle, not until I know,  I cannot trap myself there." Cole watches as she tries to accept a new path and his voice is firm for once "we'll protect you. You won't be trapped, I promise. And if you are then...." Harel stepped up next to Cole face still and stoic for once "then we'll let you leave for good and we won't follow you. We'll even keep those people off your trail. Just....trust us."  

Tara knew the path she had to take not returning and not fleeing. She had to try, she had to give him a chance, as terrifying as that was. "if he... wants answers that's his right but, he has to meet me outside of that place. My mother would kill me if I walked into a cage willingly." Cole nods feeling the old memories "Hands on my shoulder she raises her voice, but not to frighten to lecture. Don't let the shem keep you in submission. We are the People, and never again shall we submit. Eyes stern but loving, she would reprimand me if I allowed myself to be foolish." Tara nods looking at the pair decision firming in her eyes. "He can meet me, alone, in the Emerald Graves I will wait."

Harel watches as Tara breathes heavily, her purple eyes for once wide in fear instead of narrowed in disinterest. It was a shocking sight to see one so strong reduced to this mess but it was understandable. She walked this thin line, always keeping her guard up. Now that she was tired, it was only natural for her to regress. "You've chosen an interesting place, Hah'ren. May the grave of Mahariel give your conversation the strength to pull through this. Would.....would you like one of us to stay?" Tara shook her head staggering to her feet "No, no. This must be seen to alone. But thank you. I have to face him by myself."

Cole watches as he always does with his moping face drawn low, sad to leave Tara alone after such suffering. The Inquisitor could see the pain in his eyes like a wounded Halla. Tara looked at the young man "it has to be alone Cole if...if things go badly I want to.. I want it to be alone I will go there and wait This has to be done right."

Cole nods, his hat dipping down in a short stroke and never once turning upwards. Harel comforts the boy with a hand on his shoulder, trying to bring him back from his sadness of leaving the Inquisitor alone. "We're here" it is all he says before he shimmers a light green, disappearing into the darkness to find his way towards Skyhold.

Harel shakes her head, an eyebrow raised as she mutters, "Love how he expects me to keep up with his invisible ass." Its the last thing Harel says that barely draws a smirk from Tara. Just barely. The trees gather around the storm mage as she bids her companions goodbye, setting off with the same heavy heart but so much less apprehension. She makes her winding way to the heart of the vast forest feet silent on the ground. She is a phantom in this place, her path undecided. As night falls around her the shadows dull the sharpened edges of reality. she sets up camp on a high rock bluff in the great trees the song of the branches soothing and sad. Let this be the place she thinks if I have to go with Falon'din let it be here.

Cole and Harel return to skyhold quickly leading the disgruntled Hart with them. Dorian bustled through the crowd his face drawn and afraid. "please PLEASE tell me that you didn't lose her."

Harel folds her arms, appraising the worried Tevinter before speaking "She's fine and safe and super fucking rattled. But safe. She wants to meet Cullen in the Emerald Graves; her territory instead of here since you know....its kind of uninhabitable to her at the moment. Dorian lets a whoosh of held breath at the words of the half breed. "She is alive, and she is thinking at least." Cole interrupts the thought though pushing past Harel the Qunari-elf is confused at the sudden movement before he starts speaking as well. His voice is tinged with emotion as he mimics Harel's voice "I'll kill that curly haired bastard Ill shock his shit for what he's done the fucking templar!" Dorian lunged forward covering the boys mouth with his hand. Leveling a glare that could've frozen the sun at Harel he hissed "stop thinking in such vulgar terms!" Cole subsided and Dorian stood thinking "Now.....She wants to meet him in the Graves? Oh Isa'ma'lan, you make everything so planned, don't you. I've tried doing as much damage control as I can from here but...I suppose we'll have to trust what Tara will do next is the right thing. Kaffas, she worries me so."

Dorian strode alone heading for the Commanders Tower, better from him after all. Pushing open the door he sees Cullen standing behind his desk hands braced on its surface his face drawn and haggard. At the mages approach Cullen's head snaps up a worried flash in his eyes. "Is there word?!" Dorian held up a manicured hand "Pack you essentials, if you want to speak to Tara, she wants you, and you alone, in the Emerald Graves. I don't have to say do not try anything after that little talk we had, now do I?" Cullen blinks his brow furrowing "why didn't she come back here?" Dorian rolled his eyes in exasperation "The tactician that you are should know the reason. Come here, where you are? After your terrible reaction? She probably thinks you'll try to kill her and we both know how much that will hurt the both of you. At least out there, there's control in the place she feels strongest.

All right my lovelies one more chapter to this whenever I can bully my sad tired artists brain into making more ✨words✨

after that I will put all of them together into one continuous story line 

as always all the love and thanks in the whole world to @w-h-4-t for the dialog help Ir lath ma Da’len 

[immoral-tales]

Character Analysis: Osamu Dazai

002

Before we begin our journey and dive into discussing the characteristics of a man named Dazai, I would like to apologize. Please do forgive my absence and inability to be active on the blog. And I have to admit, my initial reaction was “holy shit!” You definitely took your sweet, sweet time writing this, and I had a strong desire to give you the response you deserved. Writing half-assed headcanons and responses are not my thing, therefore, I decided to take my sweet time. And of course, I might or might not be a lazy bastard as I was procrastinating to open Photoshop to crop the messages to put them into this post. All things considered, let us begin, shall we?

First of all, this character limit is a pain in the ass and I’m going to start a petition for this hellsite to remove the limit because people need to vent and share their amazing ideas with the world. Secondly, thank you so much for agreeing with me, I greatly appreciate it. There is so much more we do not see and I’m going to delve deeper into his persona, dig deeper to find the real Dazai that has been buried in his own layered personality and mind. His mind is an incredible place, but unfortunately, not everyone can understand him. However, I cannot blame them, due to the fact that Dazai as a person is already a puzzle.

I will use the term “journey.” Dazai’s journey to understand humanity is an incorrect approach, he will always have difficulty understanding what human nature is. Every person has their own definition of what it means to be a human, therefore, this subject is quite debatable. I have to agree with you, this man is drawn to people with a positive aura. And of course, having a significant other with a similar mindset would be a major drawback for him. Instead of progress, he would have a regress. His ability is called “No Longer Human,” yet he is desperately attempting his best to find what it means to be a human. He does not need a companion who will hold him back, he needs someone that will make his path towards discovering his own humanity unforgettable.

You took the words right out of my mouth: “As someone said, understanding + empathy works best for him than relatable. I believe he wants to be understood, at least to a point. Someone who can understand him while also support and help him understand his own emotions what I think he needs. Of course, not therapy him, but be that supportive figure.”

As I said previously, Oda and Dazai used to share a special bond, their friendship was one of a kind. Odasaku managed to show him how the real world functions and how there is an entire world, outside of the Port Mafia, filled with endless possibilities. Their companionship was unique, but he would have a different type of relationship with his significant other. I strongly believe Dazai would be delighted to have an older woman as his lover. An understanding, non-judgemental woman. I believe years of experience would make her the right person to be by his side no matter the circumstances.

Let us talk about how Dazai has a praise kink. I mean, you are not wrong. And I agree with you. Some might not agree with me, but I think he has never been praised properly. More or less, Mori raised him to be a perfect killing machine without any remorse and I strongly believe he rarely praised him? Therefore, once his lover started to praise him, he started to enjoy it, and then, love it. Of course, he would never admit it out loud, but we both are well aware he has a praise kink. Considering his significant other would be more experienced in bed than him, would be quick to discover his weaknesses—I mean, his kinks.

This man adores challenges and someone who questions his mindset is ought to get his attention. A person that does not agree with his viewpoint and challenges his very own existence. Two Dazais is a bit too much and his relationship with Dostoyevsky is a story for another day—I will not delve deeper into this matter right now.

I have got carried away, as well. To conclude our discussion, I have to say, this man truly deserves happiness and he needs to learn how to take care of himself. Dazai deserves a second chance to redeem himself and learn how to live his life, despite the mistakes he made in the past. He is a human like the rest of us—even though he is a fictional character—and he does not deserve to die, he has to live.

First of all, I would like to thank you for being patient with me. Only God knows when was the last time I posted some quality content. This blog is dying because of me, and there is nothing I can do about it. Once more, this proves how much of a horrible admin I am. To put my rambling and venting aside, feel free to spam me when your heart desires. It is not like I have anything else to do here. Let us move on to our discussion, shall we?

Before I forget to mention, I have made a separate tag for us—Dazai with an older lover—I’m tagging our every conservation with it and you can find our discussions under it.

I have to say, that is standard, shallow praise. Allow me to demonstrate it with one simple scenario: imagine you are working for an international organization—the field of this organization is not important currently—and you have been promoted to a senior management team to be one of the vice presidents, reporting directly to the CEO. Of course, all of your colleagues would congratulate you on your achievements, but none of their congratulations will be genuine. There might be some exceptions, but let us not dwell on it. Your colleagues are not interested in your well-being, or the path you have walked upon to achieve the impossible. They merely wish to be in your place, and some of them are even envious of your position. Their words will be long forgotten as their facades slip. This might be an odd comparison, but Dazai was in a similar situation. His subordinates' behavior around him was carefully coordinated and his attitude towards them was indifferent. Like a mutual agreement. Everything was superficial, the only thing that kept him moving forward, as you mentioned above, was his friendship with Sakaguchi and Oda.

Yes, I have to agree with you. He has never received genuine praise before. Hear me out, ability users avoided him like the plague because of his ability to nullify their abilities. Therefore, he has been touch-deprived his whole life. I believe, at first, he would be quite hesitant to allow anyone to touch him, his lover included. It might take some time for his lover to make him open up to her, his layered personality to slip, and be himself. The real Dazai.

Dazai has a strong degradation kink, but his praise kink is there, as well, to neutralize it. He would never hesitate to shower his lover with all his affection and praise; however, he prefers to receive it. And of course, he would never admit it out loud. We are talking about Dazai here. Yes, complimenting him during the sex is great, but praising him on a regular basis would make him fall head over heels in love. Undoubtedly, he would deny all the claims of having a fondness for being commended, but his lover knows him better than that. His daily motivation becomes earning those praises from his lover, and Kunikida has never been more thankful for Dazai bringing his lover with him at the agency.

Nah, there is no need to apologize. We are all insomniacs here. Even though I do not post cursed content here, but I can . . .

[devnicolee]

The Chosen Ones (4)

Word Count: 10,377

[Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3]

“What is going on with you? I mean... I have never known you to be this reckless," the king of Wakanda exclaimed as he wore a whole in the carpet of his sister's room, pacing back and forth endlessly. 

Asha rubbed her forehead, shame and frustration growing as her brother's lecture drew on minute by minute. 

"T'Challa, I said I was sorry. I do not need a lecture. Believe me, I feel horrible enough as it is!" She tried to say. 

First M'Baku... now him? She couldn't take this much disappointment from both of them in the same evening, her heart couldn't handle it. She felt a small, soft squeeze to her hand, knowing it was moral support from her sister. Asha smiled weakly but her eyes didn't leave their dead stare into her lap, she didn't want to look at any of them.

"Apparently you do! I asked you if you wanted out of this engagement, I gave you an out. But now, there are certain responsibilities and obligations that you can't ignore just because you feel like it. And it is just," he took a moment to catch his breath before continuing, "it is highly inappropriate as a new council member and advisor to create a potential scandal of this magnitu-"

"Yes, I am a cheater and a horrible person. The worthless trouble-making, embarrassing liability to the great Panther Tribe. I get it! I have heard it several times today and every day for most of my life, I do not need any more reminders from you!" 

Asha's voice raised to match her brother's and in anger she leapt off her bed, standing toe to toe with him. She could feel the rings on her hands working overtime to tame the beast within as her hurt from the last few hours transitioned to anger.

"Ok, ok! Asha, it is alright. No one is saying any of those things. T'Challa certainly doesn't think them," Nakia inserted quickly, walking over and placing a soothing hand on the young princess's back. 

The two siblings were no stranger to a squabble or two but this was beyond both of them. Unlike T'Challa, Nakia could see that all of this was a symptom of a deeper issue and they would not get to the bottom of it by shaming her choices. She sent a silent but reproachful glare T'Challa's way as she tried to calm Asha down enough to continue. "Perhaps you should go. We will talk to her," she added quietly, seeing the fractures the emotionally-charged evening had sent through the young princess. 

T'Challa hesitated, now understanding that he had misstepped and feeling as though an apology was due. But Nakia simply shook her head and motioned toward the door. He nodded before motioning for Okoye to follow and quickly exit the room. 

As soon as her door slammed shut, Asha felt the weight of the day heavy on her shoulders, causing her to sink down to the floor by her bed. She buried her head in her hands as she tried to stop more tears from falling.

Haven't we cried enough today?

"I would like to be alone, please," she whispered, muffled but still clear enough for the remaining two occupants of her bedroom to hear.

"No, we are not leaving you like this. Talk to us. What happened?" Nakia asked as she crouched in front of Asha. 

Asha didn't move or attempt to acknowledge her question. She knew what they really wanted and that was to unpack that kiss... the now infamous kiss. But what would Asha say? How could she explain it when she was hundreds of miles from understanding the complexity of her feelings toward M'Baku. She always thought love was supposed to be simple, easy, but this was anything but that. In two days, she and M'Baku managed to entangle themselves in a web of all those emotions and that kiss was right smack in the center. Asha did not have the capacity to unravel it all tonight.

Asha couldn't tell if she kissed him because she longed for affection, was angry at the guy she was supposed to be with, was desperate for a different life, actually loved him or because she just wanted to feel something other than sadness. Or if it was some combination of all those things? All of them came with an airplane worth of baggage that could not be reduced to the carry-on sized explanation they desired.

"Nothing happened... M'Baku was comforting me and we got caught up in the moment. That is it."

The women both knew she was lying, that she just wasn't willing to share. But still, they persisted. 

"Come on, Asha. We know you. And w-we understand what you are going through but you have to talk to us and let us in. Let us help you."

Asha scoffed, her sister's ignorance almost made a laugh escape from her lips,. 

"You don't understand. How could you possibly? Neither of you know what it is like to be despised or treated like an embarrassment. You have never spent a single moment in your lives as I have. You don't get it and you never will!" She lashed out at them. She stood up and turned her back to them, taking a deep breath to calm herself.  "Please leave. Now. I wish to be alone."

"Asha.."

"Please do not make me have Alexis forcibly remove you. Just go, please." 

The shaky begging in her voice did the trick, leading both women out of her door. Asha slid back to her spot on the floor, tears making their silent trek down her face. 

She wished she had never allowed T'Challa to convince her to leave this room in the first place, wished she had never stepped a foot in the soft snow of Jabariland, and wished her eyes had never fallen on him. Then she would be happy... or at least, as happy as she was before and that would still be enough. She would be officially engaged in a week, existing in ignorance’s bliss. She would never know what true freedom tasted like, never know what true love felt like and so she wouldn't have to mourn it as she does now.

Sadness morphed into anger and frustration at everyone who forced her out of her safe isolation but didn't warn her that once you have seen light, it is impossible to go back to darkness. 

****

Asha tried to put a smile on her face as she sat in silence in the council meeting, but it was difficult to hide sadness when it is as deeply rooted as Asha's was. Your smile can be as bright as the Sun but it always still shows through in your eyes. She just wanted to retreat back to her room, not see him or Hasani who both sat in the circle of chairs branching out from her brother's. She also just hated being in these meetings to begin with, still feeling as though she didn't belong. It did not help that half of the circle... her mother, Elder Shani and her son all gave her cold reproachful looks that basically told her she didn't belong if she dared give her opinion. And now to make it worse, she felt like there was a giant, "I am a cheater" sign glowing above her head. 

She didn't quite understand why she felt so guilty, she knew Hasani never lost sleep over cheating on her. And his indiscretions were far worse than a simple kiss. But still, as she stole glances at both men, she felt guilty: guilty for cheating and guilty for bringing M'Baku into this mess. And she supposed her life's goal was to not be as carefree and uncaring as Hasani, certainly not the marker of a good person.

But she most wanted to talk to M'Baku, wanted to apologize or explain herself or... well, she did not quite know what she wanted to say to him. They said so much last night while simultaneously leaving so much unsaid. She questioned whether words would even matter at this point. But she felt the pull and desire to say something either way, just to hear the comfort in his voice, ensure that that comfort was still there. There was a stab of regret every time she considered the fact that she may have destroyed their friendship over a kiss, a stab that felt as painful as a physical wound in her body. But those were the consequences, she supposed. A moment of weakness in exchange for one of the few positive relationships in her life. 

"We cannot accept these terms. This agreement with the Jabari is an insult to your father's legacy and all who have fought to control the spread of such a disease in our borders," Elder Shani almost shouted from her seat in front of her brother. 

 The argument ensuing around her snatched Asha's head out of the clouds and back down to Earth where she found the council entrenched in a loud and unruly argument. Asha quickly realized that the Elders had found the one clause in the treaty Asha buried deeply and had simply hoped would go unnoticed. But it seemed little got past Elder Shani, who likely read through it with a fine-toothed comb to find a mistake on Asha's part.

"This treaty is about respecting the Jabari's way of life and integrating it into ours. They have a different respect and custom for mutants or the Chosen, as I believe Lord M'Baku has referred to them. After conversations with my sister and Lord M'Baku, I will not ask them to change their customs and their ways. He has assured me that they will not be a threat to the ways in which we govern down the mountains." 

Asha and M'Baku gave her brother a side eye, knowing that he pulled that explanation out of nowhere. That part of the treaty was added last minute after M'Baku expressed concerns over integrating the Jabari's Chosen into a regressive society. She chose not to bring it up and prolong the talks, figuring her brother would not notice a clause buried so deeply in the treaty's many pages.

"And what if that changes? What if one of them comes down here and creates trouble?" 

"Asha, you met with the people of Jabariland, saw their customs in practice. What do you think?" 

Asha gulped, mouth going dry at the idea of having to defend mutants to the most hostile person in the room, the person who also knew her secret. She glanced at her brother out of the corner of her eye whose smirk clearly told her that this was a problem of her creation that she now needed to fix.

"T-t-the Chosen are a peaceful group of Jabari. They are no different than the non-gifted among them. They have absolutely no reason to fight or create trouble for us down the mountains. Their goal is to use their p-powers to help advance the tribe. It is my belief that they will not be an issue for us." 

"And what if their idea of advancing the tribe is overthrowing us and ensuring Lord M'Baku sits on the throne?" Another elder chimed in. 

M'Baku laughed loudly, as if the idea of wanting the throne was too preposterous to take seriously. 

"I wanted to be king of Wakanda once, yes, it is true. However, since then I have saved your rightful king, risked Jabari lives to overthrow a usurper, and put that King back on his throne. Without my people and I, Killmonger would still be alive and sitting in that chair. Seems like an awful lot of work when I could have just taken the Heart-Shaped Herb to become King myself and left King T'Challa to die. My interests no longer lie in leading this backwards nation." 

"'Backwards?'" Elder Shani shouted, outraged at the insult. "How dare you?" 

"Yes, backwards. A country that has all the resources in the world, offers all the opportunity in the world to its people and still finds a way to hold people back, to limit the power and ability of the more gifted among you. You can call us savages and insult me, I know what some of you say behind my back. But at least, the Jabari treat their fellow citizens with the respect Hanuman demands. When Bast calls you all home to the Plains... Will you be able to say the same?" 

"Enough! That is quite enough," T'Challa called, causing all the tempers to quiet down significantly. "Elder Shani, as always, I appreciate your counsel. However, the treaty is final. The Jabari will not be forced to comply with any law within the Mutant Regulation Act. Lord M'Baku and the Jabari proved themselves to be a loyal tribe of Wakanda ten times over and I will not have that loyalty questioned in this room again. I reserve my right as king to revisit any aspect of the treaty if, and only if, it becomes an issue." 

He and M'Baku shared a respectful head nod before T'Challa continued. 

"Thank you all for a productive meeting. Unless there are outstanding matters, we will reconvene next Saturday prior to the start of the Festival. This year's festival will begin Sunday night at the Falls for the announcement of my sister's engagement and the King’s Exhibition. Thank you all. Wakanda Forever." 

At the mention of her engagement, Asha glanced at M'Baku and she wished she hadn't. His body was rigid and she could almost see the rage radiating off him into the space. 

"Wakanda Forever," they all replied in unison, as the meeting broke up. 

Asha turned around to pick up her tablet and notebook, mainly to avoid the death glare she was receiving from Elder Shani across the room. When she turned back, the older woman was in a huddled discussion with another elder and her mother. Their hushed whispers could not reach her ears but she knew it was likely nothing good. 

She kept her eyes trained on the floor as she walked, until she ran into the hard, broad back of someone. 

"Oh, I am sorry! I didn't see you th- M'Baku," she started to apologize to the unknown person until they turned around and she came face to face with the man she was desperately trying to avoid. She wondered if it would have been less painless to run into Elder Shani as she looked into his eyes, finding no more admiration and love there.

"Yes your highness?" 

His voice matched his eyes... cold and despondent, everything she didn't expect from him. She felt a sense of deja-vu to how he treated her prior to coming to the mountains. She remembered how it felt to be on the receiving end of his coldness and not understand why. She understood why now, but that didn't dampen the sting.

"U-uh, w-well I-I wanted to s-speak with you, actually," Asha stammered as she adjusted to all the things she was not used to from him... his coldness, formality and harsh tone. The silence between the stretched out as she tried to figure out what to say.  

"Well?" he barked. "I do not have all day, I am in a rush to return home." 

His tone hit her like a slap in the face. "N-never mind then, I hope you have a safe journey home." 

He nodded and saluted her with a pained look on his face before turning to head back down the hall. Her eyes glistened slightly, she felt the pressure of tears building behind them but she tried to push those emotions down. They both made their choices and here laid the consequences, she would learn to deal with them.  

M'Baku thought his feet could not carry him back to his carriage fast enough. He wanted nothing more than to flee this palace, and retreat to his own home to sulk and nurse his bruised heart. He thought they had started to build something... something beautiful and as quickly as it was put together, it crumbled. 

"M'Baku!"

He grimaced as he heard the unmistakable timbre of his king calling after him. He wanted so badly to ignore him and if this was a time in the past, he would have. But he respected T'Challa, and was growing to see him as something resembling a friend. So he pushed down his annoyance and heartbreak to speak to his King, praying to Hanuman that this was a short conversation. He almost jumped clean out of his skin to find the King directly behind him instead of down the hall. 

"My king?" 

"Leaving so soon?" T'Challa asked, his tone pleasant and airy, not like someone addressing the man whom he found making out with one of his younger sisters the day prior. 

"Yes, I have matters to attend to at home. What can I do for you?" M'Baku decided to cut the formalities short, he knew T'Challa did not stop him for that. 

T'Challa nodded, his face descending into a more serious look. "Are you in love with my sister?"

He eyed the look of surprise that passed across M'Baku's face before adding, "I speak to you not as King but as an older brother who just wants his sister to be happy. There is no wrong answer here. Are you in love with her?" 

"Yes," M'Baku replied shortly. There was not much else to say, this was all very simple to him.  

T'Challa gestured forward, allowing the man to continue his journey toward his carriage as they walked. 

"My sister always pretends to be happy, never complains about her horrible treatment at the hands of my parents or her regulation to being a prisoner in her own home. She always tries to hide it but it shows... it always shows in her eyes. They hold a certain sadness, or at least they have every single day for the last 15 years. The only other person on this Earth who I have seen with eyes like that died a few weeks ago. I couldn't save him, couldn't undo the injustices my family doled out upon him. But I... I can save Asha." 

"Forgive me, my King. But I don't understand what you want from me?" 

"When my sister walked off the Talon 24 hours ago, she looked like a completely different person. Joy and happiness radiated off her like light from the Sun. It was the first day I looked at my sister and didn't see that sadness. I do not have to be as smart as Shuri or as intuitive as Nakia to know who brought that about. My sister is in love with you. I want you to know that before you get in that carriage and resign to writing her off for the rest of your life. She is stuck between her heart and obligation, what she wants and what she has been conditioned to believe she should have. And Shuri and I are trying to help her but... As a brother, I-I am just asking you not to give up on her just yet."

As he finished, they reached his carriage. T'Challa did not wait for M'Baku to respond, he simply saluted him before turning on his heels to tread the same path back into the palace. Meanwhile, M'Baku just stood there staring after him for a while, another plan to forget Asha slowly sinking down the drain. 

****

"M'Baku!"

He tore his eyes from the mountains, ready to snap at the man foolish enough to interrupt him, only to find N'Danna standing not too far behind him. N'Danna looked annoyed as if he had been calling the chief's name for a while. M'Baku clearly hadn't heard him, trapped in a cycle of his own thoughts, the light wind blowing past, and the nighttime jitters of the forest.

He barely acknowledged his second-in-command, knowing his best friend would just come and occupy the empty spot next to him. And sure enough, he felt his presence beside him as the man dusted the snow off the odd-shaped, massive boulder M'Baku was currently sitting on and sat down beside him.

"You are a hard man to find since returning from the Golden City," N'Danna mused as he took his cue from his chief and began staring at the mountains in front of him.

N'Danna supposed they were really just staring at nothing. He knew mountains were there, visible when the sun was high in the sky. But in such darkness, the best they could see was a vague outline. His gaze fell down to the village below that was still bustling with activity, lights branching out like veins in the darkness. 

"How long have you been out here?"

"Since the sunset."

"You have turned into somewhat of a sunset enthusiast. And why did you decide to come out here on the coldest night of the winter?" N'Danna inquired.

M'Baku shook his head, "I don't know. I have come here every night for the last three days. I say I am not going to come and still I find myself out here all night. Not sure what answers I expect to find out here though." 

N'Danna nodded, both men leaning back and laying against the rocks to look up at the midnight sky and twinkling stars. 

"This is a good spot to find answers I suppose. And being here probably makes you feel closer to her, right?"

The two men turned to each other and N'Danna let out a light chuckle at the disgruntled look on his friend's face. 

"I didn't even get that from your thoughts this time. Just an observation. You have been this way for the last few days, ever since you got back." Silence fell over the two for a moment before N'Danna spoke again. "Talk to me, M'Baku. What is going on with you? I have never seen you like this before."

When he didn't say anything initially, N'Danna assumed he opted to ignore his question. It wouldn't be the first time his friend chose to ignore things instead of addressing them. And so, after a few minutes of quiet, N'Danna returned his attention to the barely visible mountains ahead of them. He was surprised when he finally heard a response minutes later. 

"I fell in love with her," M'Baku stated out of the blue. N'Danna wished he could see beneath the Earth's surface, and get confirmation of his suspicion that Hell had indeed frozen over at this admission. M'Baku had been with many women in his 30 years of living and had never so much as uttered a word similar to "love" toward any of them, such a word was vacant from his vocabulary. Now N'Danna understood, he got it. His poor chief had fallen fast and hard for the first time and was left out in the cold, a cold he was not accustomed to. 

"And s-she rejected me. I was j-jus- And now she is about to be engaged... engaged to a man wh-" words failed him as he tried to verbalize how truly frustrating this all was. But his words resembled his thoughts, jumbled and disjointed as he tried to sift through the complex web he had woven. "About to live her life in hiding and secret again. It just does not make sense!" 

"Why does that bother you so much? It is her life to live. If she chooses to hide and waste it, what is it to you?"

M'Baku gave him an incredulous look, immediately standing from the boulder to pace beside it. N'Danna was a Chosen, M'Baku was baffled that he could not see the issue in all this. 

"Because she deserves better! She deserves what every person like her in these mountains has: the opportunity to be yourself, be raised to see the limitless power of what Hanuman has given you, the chance to do anything. That is what you have! That is what all of the Chosen have. It is not fair that she was stripped of that... Striped of that to be what? Someone of her power reduced to a rung on a ladder for a power-hungry shell of a man. It is not right."

"She is a princess, M'Baku, these obligations come with the territory. I am sure she is just doing what she thinks is best." 

M'Baku scoffed, "Screw the obligations of royalty! We are talking about a woman who possesses powers... a gift that these mountains - Hell I would wager the world has not seen in generations. She is a once-in-a-lifetime gift, limitless power at her fingertips. She is not ordinary, she deserves more than ordinary!" 

N'Danna sighed, sitting up. 

"You speak of the Chosen as if we are Gods and Goddesses M'Baku. That has always been the problem, this altar you exalt us to, you prayed to be one of us when you don't really understand the burden we all carry.  Asha is not limitless, none of us are! Asha was raised to hide, taught to be ashamed of who she was. Her powers are not unlimited. They are faulty, complicated, powerful, rare, stressed, beautiful and malleable just as the woman who wields them. You are so blinded by the beauty of her powers that you cannot see the tragedy in it. And that is why you are so disappointed. Not because she chose another man, but because she is has something you have longed for and she is showing you that not everyone is happy to be gifted... not everyone wants it. She may be a once-in-a-lifetime power, I do not doubt that, but she is also a young girl stuck between impossible choices, stuck between realities."

M'Baku shook his head, "Being with me is an impossible choice? Following your heart, choosing a better life is an impossible choice? I showed her how life could be different. Ok, you say it is not freedom, fine. But it is so much more than what she has now. How hard of a choice is that?"

"Following your heart has consequences, running up here to be with you and throw fire around to her heart's content has consequences. And not just for her... for her family, for all of Wakanda. She is a member of the Royal Family, for Hanuman's sake. P-people learn to love their chains M'Baku. Sometimes they become more comfortable, safer than what lies outside them. You offer her freedom but ignore the price of that freedom. Maybe she is not willing to pay it after only knowing you for two days."

M'Baku sighed and bowed his head, looking toward the forest to his left, the dark branches loaded down with fresh snow from the storm earlier that day. 

"I j-just... I want better for her. I thought I could help bring light into her life and maybe, I just don't know how to accept that I failed. I-I don't know how to go back to life before her," he admitted honestly. 

"Perhaps it is not all about you. You want her, and I understand that. But you did help her start down a path of self discovery. The Asha who left here last week is very different from the one who came here at first. She will find it difficult to retreat to her old life. Maybe you planted seeds that will flourish one day but you don't get to bask in the garden's beauty... it may not be meant for you. I know it is not what you want but you may have to accept that it is all you will get."

The two men stared at each other as his words settled in M'Baku's mind. This was probably the most honest conversation the two men had ever had in their friendship, N'Danna was the only person willing to tell M'Baku when he was wrong, push him down the correct path when he was stuck, straying or stalling to find it himself.

"The King asked me not to give up on her, not to push her away," he offered quietly, the grief of a love lost clear in his voice. 

"Then don't, if you don't want to. She is not getting married Sunday, merely publicly announcing her engagement. So much can happen between now and the altar. But until then, you can stop torturing yourself and all of us," he added with a joking tone and smile, "Let her go and let the chips fall where they may. If she is meant to be yours, Hanuman will bring her back." 

M'Baku nodded slowly. He looked over N'Danna's shoulder toward the center of the cliff they stood on. It was like a movie in front of him, he could see them clear as day. He wished he could go back to that moment, wrapped in the warmth of each other and deep in their own world. It was worth it, he decided, whatever heartbreak he had to endure the last few days or was in store for him moving forward. 

"Let us go home, M'Baku. You got the answers you need." 

M'Baku smiled at his friend and they both walked back to their individual carriages. Before it pulled off, he smiled sadly at that spot again, knowing he wouldn't be back here any time soon. N'Danna was right, Hanuman sent the answers he was desperately seeking. He just had to listen. 

****

Asha felt like she had blinked and suddenly the week was almost over. She was not complaining though. A busy mind meant she couldn't pine for M'Baku, grief the loss of him, or think about her upcoming public engagement, which made all of this official, not some back alley deal between their parents. Staying busy was the only way to keep those thoughts and her looming dread at bay.

She had to admit though, without the allure of M'Baku and Jabariland, Asha realized that her new job lacked a certain appeal. But... she felt like everything lacked a certain appeal these days. 

However, when darkness fell and the palace quieted, it hit her the hardest. She didn’t really need sleep so she couldn't count on it to take her away from it all and sometimes, even the unconscious world was unsafe. She counted at least one dream a night that featured M'Baku in some fashion. 

And that is how she found herself after a particularly packed Thursday, laying in her bed, staring at the ceiling and praying to Bast to let her sleep. But no such luck. She tossed and she turned, and she thought of no one and nothing else but that man up the mountains and their last conversation. 

It is clear that he is falling for you. You could escape... leave all this behind, the panther inside seemed to whisper, desperate to return to its life outside its cage. You hate it here. 

I don't hate it here, she argued back. My family is here. Well, at least T'Challa and Shuri... Nakia, Alexis, Okoye - they are all here. I couldn't just leave them to deal with whatever wrath Elder Shani could unleash. 

But this isn't for you anymore.

The thought made Asha cringe a little, knowing she could never say that out loud. What would her siblings say? It would devastate them. But it was not untrue, she realized in those quiet, lonely and restless moments in the dead of the night. After her father's death, her life was supposed to get easier with less restrictions and a bit more freedom. Yet somehow, the chains felt heavier and tighter. Pretending to be normal had never been this... this hard. 

She felt like an animal being herded back into captivity after experiencing the wild, a life driven by its own desires. She did not realize what it would take to learn to re-love her chains, the pieces of her soul they siphon from her to do so. She shed them so quickly and willingly up the mountains, savored every second of the sweet freedom it offered her. And just like that she was back here, ripped out of her dreams into reality. She didn't expect it to be so hard truthfully... had no idea the pain she was preparing herself for.

She knew one thing though - this would never be enough, not after she experienced something different. This bastardized freedom her brother gave her just wouldn't do. It was the best he could offer, she certainly didn't fault him for it.  But compared to what M'Baku showed her? This was merely a weak imitation. 

She pulled the fluffy white pillow from beside her on top of her face and screamed into it, loud enough to release her frustration but not loud enough to send Alexis racing into her room, spear raised. Annoyance rippled through her that her body would not just allow her the simple reprieve from this world for another, the downside of sleep being a mere luxury and not a necessity for survival.

This just isn't helping, she ultimately decided.

Her mind drifted around the palace, thinking of all the places she could go to distract her and pass the night hours. Shuri's private lab was an option but she knew the young girl liked to work through the night and was not interested in talking to anyone. Her mind wandered to the library, which was a solid option of unlimited solitude. But even that did not have a certain appeal, she just thought of him and how they first met. 

The training center?

There was an idea she could work with, a space that could not remind her of him. Besides, nothing cleared the mind like a good at was an idea she could work with. Nothing cleared the mind like a work out and thanks to her brother, she had a brand new, never been used training center of her own to test out. It was the only spot that offered any sort of appeal to her now. She slid out of bed and quickly changed her clothes.

Alexis stood at attention, saluting her before Asha told her where she was going and convinced her to take the rest of the night off. 

She walked across the palace and downstairs, entering the main training room and immediately heading for a discreet door on the back wall. One full body scan later and the door slid open for her to enter.

It was beautiful, Asha thought to herself as she walked around the room. It was long and slender unlike the expansive training room on the other side of the wall. The cushioned training mat floor was soft beneath her feet, the tall ceilings overheard would give her just enough space to practice sustaining flight, sleek walls embedded with blue flecks of vibranium that glowed lighting the room in a blue hue.

One thing did confuse her though, the lack of equipment. She looked around, trying to understand the mechanics of the space. It was completely empty, all except for the computer monitor across from the entrance. As if it sensed her presence as she approached, it immediately lit up and offered a menu of training modes for Asha to choose from. Asha slowly took her rings off, sitting them and her shoes together in the corner, before scrolling through the many options and settings. She didn't understand how any of them would work with no equipment but she never got a proper tutorial of the space. But she knew her brother was smart so she chose combat and figured that she would learn as she went.

She walked to the center of the room and on cue, the lights dimmed and suddenly, a hologram of a person came racing toward her. Asha barely had time to think or process before the attacker raised a digital weapon and a loud bang sounded across the silent room.

Before she knew it, a massive blast of air knocked her on her back and let her know that she had been hit. 

"Simulation over," a computerized female voice called throughout the room. "Assailant: 1; Asha: 0."

A small groan escaped her throat as she slowly sat up and tried to catch her breath. 

Once she was on her feet again, she called out, "Again," signaling for the simulation to restart.

She sank into a defensive position as the lights darkened again, focusing her eyes on the wall at the end of the room and preparing for the man to emerge once more. She watched, waiting as nothing happened. But soon, she felt a presence behind her. She turned quickly, not wasting precious seconds this time. She immediately threw a ball of fire at the figure causing it to crumble to the ground and disappear. 

She was so distracted watching the hologram disappear that she was surprised to feel a small blast of air hit her shoulder, directing her attention to a hologram on the window ledge. She was finally starting to understand the mechanics of combat mode, Asha killed that assailant next. This continued for 10 minutes, Asha dodging targets and their weapons. The simulation ended with another sneak attack, causing her to realize that any blow that would be fatal in the real world caused the simulation to cease. 

Still, as she heard the score back, she felt as though she had redeemed herself. Not that it really mattered, there was no one there to see it. Asha: 10, Assailants: 5 was not bad for her second round. 

Asha watched as the computer pulled up a heat signature of the room, red and orange on random spots around the room. She pressed a glowing "extinguish" button, which caused the room to release the targeted extinguisher to those spots, returning the room to normal.

Asha went through combat mode three more times, the assailants and patterns changing every time. They became more complex, she realized, the room analyzing her battle patterns and movements to push her harder. By her last round, Asha had kicked her powers into high gear, certainly more energy than she had ever used. But she looked like a skilled dancer instead of a clumsy fawn as she ran, jumped and dodged blasts across the room. She threw fire, caused diversions, hovered in the air to better examine the full field of attackers. She created life-sized fire panthers that chased down her attackers and killed them at her command like her own personal army. She even realized that once or twice, she could block the blasts with a fire shield, though she couldn't sustain it. The last simulation only ended when a voice overpowered the settings. Asha was directing a panther to attack three figures who were running from it from her position in the air when she saw her brother leaning against the wall in the corner.

"Simulation over," the voice said again as Asha made the fire disappear and landed softly back on the ground. She did not acknowledge her brother initially, walking to grab her shoes and rings as the voice said, "Assailants: 3, Asha: 25."

"I was trying to get to 30," she called, realizing how out of breath and tired she was as she tried to talk and walk over to him. 

The room did a final extinguish of the night as they both moved back into the main training center. She sat down on the floor, exhausted, to drink some water. 

"I needed a training partner. Trust me, you looked amazing, you were just showing off at that point. I am surprised to find you down here. Have you ever even used it since I built it?" 

Asha's chest heaved as she caught her breath. She didn't understand how she felt this exhausted despite only training for an hour.

"Not since Baba. Figured now was as good a time as any. I couldn't sleep. You either?" She looked at the time on her beads: 3 am. 

"Nope. I woke up and tossed around for a bit before something told me that this was the place to be tonight. Now I know why. Train with me," he asked assertively. She knew it was not a legitimate question. There was only one proper answer when her brother wanted a late-night sparring partner. 

T'Challa powered up his suit, the only thing that would protect his skin from burns when practicing hand-to-hand combat with Asha. She sank into her battle stance, ignoring the exhaustion in her body. T'Challa was the better fighter, regardless of Asha's lethal abilities, because he practiced more and had super strength and speed. He knew all of Asha's moves and how to respond while it seemed she could never keep up with him. If he was being honest, these sessions were more for Asha than him.

After letting Asha win twice and beating her once, T'Challa let her fall back on the training floor to rest.  

"That was good, you are getting better," he offered as he sat on a bench next to her. She envied him, she looked like she had just stepped out of a pool of her own sweat while he looked as if he could walk into a state dinner, perfectly unruffled despite fighting for 30 minutes.  

"Thanks," she nodded. 

"How are you? I meant to check in earlier this week, see how you are enjoying your work." 

"The work is good T'Challa. I enjoy it. Everything is good," she responded lightly, hoping that would be enough to end the line of questioning she was sure was forming on his lips. 

They hadn't really spoken since the drama at the state dinner the week prior and she had been kind of avoiding him to keep it that way. She did not want to talk to anyone about this but something felt especially odd about going to her older brother about her love life. She knew T'Challa had his way, she would be single forever so no one could hurt her.

"Asha..."

She turned her head away from him, recognizing that tone. He was descending into full big brother mode, desiring to talk about her feelings and fix whatever problems he thought plagued her. Asha knew he meant well and he tried, but most of her problems... he actually couldn't fix. And this one would be no different.

"Talk to me. Everything is not good. You are not ok. You are different, we can all see it. Don't keep it all bottled up." 

Asha sighed, wiping the sweat off her forehead with the towel next to her.

"If I could explain it, T'Challa, I would." 

"Try... for me. As long as it takes." 

"Before I went to Jabariland, the idea of leaving this palace terrified me. You know how resistant I was to take on this role in the first place. All I could think of is Baba saying that I was dangerous and all the ways I could hurt or kill people. And so, staying here, being a good princess and marrying Hasani... it was prison but it was a comfortable one. Over time, the chains hurt less... the frustration faded and I learned to love and appreciate the life I had. It was not the best but it was enough." 

"But then you experienced something different?" He offered. 

Asha looked at him, appreciating that he was giving her the opening to admit the one thing she thought she had to keep secret to spare his feelings. 

"But then I experienced something different," she echoed. "Thanks to you, by the way," she nudged him playfully. "Something life-changing. He pushed me to the edge and made me rethink everything I had thought about my powers before. Made me see beauty in the flowers where I only saw weeds. And then on top of that... I-I fell in love with him. So fast and hard like I jumped off a cliff. And then I came back here and... reality just hit me like a rhino. I am forced to hide... cannot have the man I love. I j-just don't know how much longer I can do this."

"Do what?" T'Challa asked, pained by his sister speaking so despondently and knowing there was little he could do to help her.

"This," she whispered, gesturing at her hands. "Pretending to be something I am not, hiding the one thing that makes me unique. Every day I get up and I put these rings on and head down to my office, I realize that this is it. All I have to look forward to for the rest of my days is Hasani and a life in the darkness. It will never be enough. Just doesn't seem like much of a life to me anymore."

Asha stared at the wall across from them, a painting of Bast on the training room wall, while T'Challa stared at her profile. The two just sat there for a while, not saying anything at all, as T'Challa thought over what Asha said. It was not that he didn't want to say anything, he just couldn't think of anything appropriate. What do you say to someone who no longer thinks their future is worth it?  

"What can I do?" he settled on. 

He was a fixer, he could help her fix this and forge a path forward.

She offered him a sad smile, "I am not sure there is anything you can do, brother." 

"Nonsense, I am king," he boasted, causing the two to share a laugh. 

"Even kings have limitations, just like the rest of us." She stood up, holding out her hand to pull her brother to his feet. "Come, let us go to bed. There is so much to be done before the start of the festival this weekend."  

T'Challa nodded, knowing she was ending the conversation to avoid talking about it. He knew he would not sleep when he returned to his bed, instead he would be thinking of how to give his sister freedom, true freedom, no matter the cost.

****

"Did T'Challa tell you what this was about?" Shuri asked as they briskly walked down to the throne room, after being alerted of an emergency council meeting. 

"No. We were training together last night, he never mentioned needing to gather the council early. I asked Nakia, she said he didn't mention it to her either. You would think he would trust his most trusted advisor though? Titles mean less and less around here every day," Asha joked. 

She and Shuri shared a laugh as they entered and settled in their seats, finding most of the council already assembled. 

Their mother walked in followed by T'Challa, who looked grim and exhausted. She shared a confused and concerned look with her sister as they all did the customary salute before directing her attention back to her brother. She was so concerned that she didn't even have much time to lament over M'Baku who was sitting across from her. 

"Thank you all for coming on such short notice. I realize this is unorthodox but this could not wait. I was up for most of the night, thinking and praying about the future of this nation. After deep prayer with Bast, I realized I can no longer sit by while injustice runs rampant within our borders. That is why I will be announcing the repeal of the Mutant Regulation Laws at the Festival of Bast on Sunday, effective immediately." 

There was a beat of silence before shouts and anger erupted among the group as his words settled in the room like fog. The shouts overlapping rants of her mother, Elder Shani and two others were incoherent to Asha as they shouted at her brother. She was still trying to formulate a simple thought, his words were bouncing around in her mind but were having trouble truly sticking. Once she emerged from the shock of shock, she couldn't have been happier, repealing those laws would change so much for people like her. 

The Mutant Regulation Laws were a set of laws, initially enacted by Asha's grandfather and expanded by King T'Chaka, that attempted to limit mutants movements in the country and to limit the increase of the mutant population. The only people excluded from the laws since their inception were the Jabari.

As far as the public knew, the purpose of the laws were to protect citizens from enhanced individuals. The act stipulated that all mutants had to register with the government and general rules to limit the use of their powers, such as forbidding them in public spaces. This registry was first enacted in response to what her grandfather believed was an exponential increase in the mutant population across the four tribes.

The laws were divisive no doubt, like all controversial things. Many loved them, advocated for further expansions, feeling safe knowing that mutants could not inflict their powers on everyone else. The less vocal half, though, saw them as something that made them no better than the discrimination colonizers around the globe subjected their people to. However, only the Royal family knew the truth, that her father's reasoning for expanding the law had little to do with safety and everything to do with his fragile ego. 

As she got older, Asha quickly realized that her father didn't hate mutants because they were dangerous or threatened his country. He hated them simply because they were born with powers he had to win combat to get, powers he had to be deemed worthy for and earn. While they just woke up with them one day, having done no real work to deserve them. As the mantle of Black Panther and title of King caused his ego to grow, he grew equally paranoid that one day, mutants would begin to believe they were the ones actually chosen by Bast and invalidate the legacy of the Black Panther. As the population of mutants grew year after year, his paranoia that he would lose his title of King and Protector grew with it. Soon, a registry to merely keep track of the population was not enough. Soon, he launched a campaign to ensure mutants were the lowest rung on Wakanda's social order. Soon, the registry turned into laws to limit their abilities and resources funding research to find a cure for their affliction. 

In the previous council meeting, M'Baku had echoed the sentiments of half the country... that the policies were regressive and a dark stain on Wakanda. But Wakandans were humans, just like those on the other side of their borders. After being fed enough ammunition, people can be conditioned to hate anyone. 

T'Challa raised his hand to silence the group, adding, "Lord M'Baku was right, this is not the Wakanda Bast promised her people, at least not for everyone. Not for enhanced individuals, who are just as deserving of the same respect and opportunities as the rest of us. The Jabari and their enhanced people have lived in peace for centuries. We can do the same here." 

"Have you lost your mind??" Ramonda asked furiously from her seat next to her son. "That law is part of your father's legacy!" 

"Baba was a great king, but that does not mean he was always right. And on this, I feel he was wrong." 

"Half of your country sleeps peacefully because of those laws," Elder Shani cried, pointing out the large window at the city below. "Sleep peacefully knowing lethal people cannot murder them or hurt them with no thought. What would you say to those people?" 

"Yes and half the country sleeps less peacefully knowing that with all our technology and opportunities and advancement, we are no better than the colonizers who discriminate against people for their race or gender or sexuality. It is not right," Nakia interjected.

"You will end your father's legacy in one day. You will destroy everything he has built, the tribe and country he has created."

"The tribe and legacy he built on the backs of a brother he murdered, a child he abandoned and rampant discrimination of his people! Would that be such a bad thing?" Asha argued quietly, drawing the group's attention (and subsequently, their anger) toward her. 

She almost balked at the looks her mother and Elder Shani gave her but when she looked passed them, she was met with a reassuring and encouraging nod from M'Baku that empowered her to press forward. 

"This is a good thing," she asserted, shoulders squared and head held high.

"Of course you would think so," Elder Shani sneered. "I am sure you were the one that forced him to do this. People like you are destroying our country."

The room fell silent as the other elders stared shocked at their fellow member, seemingly surprised at her very vocal and unwarranted disrespect toward a member of the Royal Family. 

"Elder Shani! Princess Asha is royal advisor to the King, our princess. Apologize at once!" Elder M’Kathu exclaimed.

"I shall do no such thing! The only thing that makes her worthy to sit before us is that crown on her head... her title. She is beneath me, beneath all of us," she spat at Asha, staring at her with such contempt. 

Asha sat rigid in her chair as her future mother-in-law threw her vitriol at her. Asha wondered if this was how out-of-body experiences felt. She could so very clearly see where this train was going, see how her life's secret was about to implode before her eyes in a manner of moments but she could not direct her mouth to say a word or her limbs to move. She just sat, paralyzed and silent, unable to save herself or stop the train that was about to carry her whole family off a cliff. 

"Elder Shani... I would think about what is at stake before you say another word to or about my sister," T'Challa threatened, his voice low and deadly. 

For a split-second, the room saw it - a king no longer sat before them, the Black Panther did. For most, this would have been enough to slam on the brakes and beg for forgiveness. But it seemed Elder Shani was done, tired of pretending to respect someone she felt was beneath her, tired of keeping a secret for a person she despised. And her hate would not be outweighed by her greed any longer, she clearly couldn't take it.

"I told your father! I told him, warned him of the damage you and your affliction would cause him. Even from the grave, you destroy him and taint his legacy. Your kind... your disease destroyed him and it will lead to the end of Wakanda! You are a threat to us all." She took a deep breath before continuing, "Princess Asha is a mutant! The Panther Tribe has been hiding it, lying to their people for decades. Hiding her and t-this abomination from us all! And now she has our King under some spell, convinced him to uproot all the safety and security we have worked so hard to build."

As she spoke, Asha could feel rage rising in her body. It was steady, slowly building with every word that fell from Shani's lips as she spewed her hate and vitriol for all to hear. She tried to calm herself, control her breathing and emotions as she sat there, push them back down so she could get through the night. But it was proving to be impossible. The metal bars of her panther's cage were meaningless, being torn apart like pieces of paper as her emotions reached their peak. 

"That is enough! Take her away!" T'Challa stood before her, directing the Dora to come and escort Elder Shani from the room. 

Asha held her head in her hands as she took sharp, shallow breaths. Her whole body shook as she tried her hardest to not lose it in front of her family and the remaining members of the council. 

"Asha." 

She heard Shuri's voice and felt her hand on her shoulder causing her to jump up. Everyone seemed to back away from her immediately, causing Asha to notice the smoke and small flickers of flames erupting from her hands. The rings around her fingers were completely useless as the flames continued to grow steadily. Asha could only recall one moment in her life when she felt this out of control, the day her brother “died.” 

She got up and backed away to put some distance between her and the rest of the group. 

"Stay back!" she yelled through her gasping breaths, holding her hand out and inadvertently causing flames to fly toward her family. 

The Dora around the room instinctively lifted their spears, the remaining elders fled to the opposite wall as far from her as possible. But her family remained where they were, M'Baku being the brave soul to ignore her direction and approach her, unbothered by the uncontrollable fire escaping her body. Fire that grew stronger and bigger as Elder Shani's words cycled through her brain nonstop, causing her despair and rage to grow. Years of ignoring her emotions, years of trauma and abuse were finally boiling over. Tonight was the final push off the cliff, she could not do this anymore.  

"Asha.. you have to calm down," M'Baku whispered, motioning for the rest of her family to stay behind him. 

He wished he could get her to look into his eyes but as he looked at her blood-red irises and the tears streaming down her face, he realized she looked without truly seeing. 

"You are none of those things. You are beautiful and powerful. You are not dangerous. Don't become what they fear you are."

She heard his voice, understood the words he was saying but she didn't believe them, not when 25 years of abuse cycled in her mind to counter it. She looked around the room and all she saw was fear, proof that her home, the place she loved would never truly accept her. Elder Shani proved that. She had freed her from hiding but she also ensured that Asha couldn't stay here anymore, not when people looked at her like what she always feared she was: a monster. 

She couldn't do it, wouldn't do it, didn't have the strength to subject herself to it any longer. This was her out and she was going to take it. She looked from her family to the window across from her. 

She didn't think about it, didn't consider the mechanics. She just tore herself from the wall she backed herself into and ran toward the window. Her body lifted off the floor into flight as she used a blast of fire to cause the glass to break open for her.

"Asha no! Come back, " she heard her sister call after her. 

She turned back and looked at them once as she used all the energy she could muster to fly away from her, her family, her home and her past for good. 

Night had fallen during the course of that meeting, giving Asha a nice cover so no one could see her flying overhead. She zoomed out of the dome quickly, her mind not even conjuring up a location or place to go. She just wanted as much distance between her life and her as possible, knowing she would run into the border at some point. 

The wind painfully whipped against her face, causing her eyes to blur so she could barely see where she was going. In her emotionally-heightened state, it proved difficult to sustain flight as she passed over the uninhabited forests of Wakanda. As she tried to sort through the wreckage that was her life, she could not concentrate on her task, which caused her to lose height or speed every few minutes. And it just became harder and took more energy to accelerate and regain the height she lost every time she had to refocus. 

This cycle lasted for about 20 minutes before she had to reckon with this hastily made choice. She had no idea where she was or if she was even still in Wakanda, all she saw for miles were forest. She figured she must still be in the country, she couldn't fly that fast. In a short time, the explosive anger that coursed through her in the throne room was long gone, replaced with very real fear. Fear that taking an impromptu flight with no direction, after only one lesson, and without telling one living soul where she was headed was the worst decision she had ever made. 

She realized soon that she had no choice but to turn around and pray to Bast that she could sustain flight enough to get back to civilization. This was not sustainable and she knew it. She frantically looked around for a landmark in the trees, anything that looked familiar and could provide her a spot to rest before finishing the journey. She spotted the temple by the Garden of the Heart-Shaped Herb, silently thanking Bast and deciding that it would be as good of a spot as any to catch her breath. She headed in that direction. However, like a real fire reaching its end, Asha could see her internal fire slowly dying out. 

"No don't do this, we are almost there," she begged herself as the fire encompassing her hands and feet started to die away as well. 

Her mind felt cloudy and it was a struggle to keep her eyes open. Before she knew it, her eyes fell closed, her fire having died out completely, and her body fell gracefully from the sky before thudding in a small clearing in the forest at the foot of the Temple of Bast. 

****

@destinio1 @muse-of-mbaku @missmohnique @jellybean531 @afrolatinpami @leahnicole1219 @archivistofwakanda

[advernia]

hi hi!!! ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ mmm… i try not to expect something out of an unreleased route (bc most of the time i am horribly betrayed lmao) but there are loads of stuff i hope to see! forgive me for being rambly tho haha!  

mousse. i actually have no idea what to expect from his route but what i do know is that his current position as a diplomat bothers me in a lot of ways lmao! but anyway… naturally we should be getting details on why he left the red army in the first place, so maybe on that side i do wish we’d get more insight on the workings of the red army, i guess? not that i’m expecting something super detailed or anything (tho it would be great if cybird feeds us with details), but for starters, maybe something more concerning the chosen bloodline - for instance, how did it come to be that for the red army, those thirteen certain families are the only ones strictly allowed to fill in that one position in the chosen ranks??? do relatives or family branch members count??? additionally, is mousse the first case of someone stepping down / refusing to take over their designated rank??? i’d like to think that he isn’t, but then again i maybe wrong???

alternatively… maybe mousse’s route could fill in some bit of cradle lore too? lmao i mean he is a diplomat and alice is a ‘visitor’, so he’s the best suitor to fit in the role of a tour guide. maybe a little more idea on how cradle works as an actual country, bc god i can’t even imagine how it functions properly. who knows, maybe he actually knows about that abandoned building in the forbidden forest + why it’s there in the first place. maybe he can actually elaborate the background of the goddamn 500 year conflict. if he actually does, bless my soul.

on relationships… while mousse is neutral but a former red, i imagine we’ll be seeing more of the ra guys rather than the ba, maybe… that’s fine with me since i’m interested in learning more about his relationship with lancelot, and maybe how he interacts with kyle + edgar since we already have a general idea of how he is around jonah + zero. but since the neutral faction has increased now, i’d like it if most of his interactions would involve more of his fellow neutrals. they need more screentime.

and finally, romantically… man, that ‘love at first sight… or is it?’ bit on his profile really gets me. oh, i will be ridiculously happy if that whole ‘love at first sight’ thing is interpreted as just sheer interest on mousse’s part. he’s in love with the visitor from the land of reason, with alice the second who hails from the same land as the first alice. he’s in love with the thought of her, a person who lives in a world so different from his own…but has he ever seen alice the second as the woman she is, as another human being??? this is probably unlikely to happen as mousse doesn’t seem too cold as a character but OOOOHHHHH I’D LOVE TO HAVE A TWIST（○□○）

tl;dr: a focus on red army history / more expository stuff on cradle. a toss between mousse interacting with the ra + neutrals, preferrably more of the latter. if cybird pulls a surprising twist / interpretation on mousse’s ‘love at first sight’ for alice, then i will LIVE.

dean. for starters, i’d like a little more understanding on how the boarding school he works in operates haha… i get it’s open to all regardless of status (red/black, noble/commoner maybe?), but what type of school is it, is it a regular one or a military academy of sorts??? if it’s a military type, to what extent are the students trained - basic combat/magic or are there advanced classes or all that shebang??? from what age are you able to enroll in it??? who runs it??? probably someone from the neutral faction / government itself but seriously speaking, is this the only school available in cradle??? if you’re wondering why i think that, i just find it odd that two different factions that have been in constant conflict still send their kids to study in that one school where anyone and everyone is accepted… i’d imagine the red side isn’t so happy about this more than the black side is, but maaaybe it’s a government-mandated / treaty / pact thing??? tbh i’m still on the fence on those ideas since there’s a lot more questions that would arise from that but… yeah. just… details, pls _(:3」∠)_ oh, more bonus points if we get more info about the day everything went dark!

anyway… dean being a professor appears underwhelming but it’s pretty interesting to take into account that he probably trained all(?) of them army suitors so… personally i’d be interested if there’s your teacher vs. student(s) fight scenes lmao. preferrably with dean still able to hold his own. bonus points if he taunts his opponent in the process with words like ‘i see you’ve forgotten your fundamentals’ or something haha! even more bonus points if we get dean/alice fighting the forces of evil magic disciples together!!! oh, that would be so good.

it would be fun if dean’s the type to subtly poke his former students with their dark history past mistakes when he sees them / needs them to settle down or smth. maybe he has dirt on someone like luka (and no, it isn’t about him feeding birds on the rooftop lmao). maybe he’s the only one who can make sirius & lancelot feel nervous easily, holy shit. but again, as dean’s a neutral, i’d prefer his interactions to involve more of his fellow neutrals. especially dalim. though that might be a given considering their relationship. i will greatly appreciate seeing more of the tweedle twins dynamic. even more if it turns out that the main conflict/antagonist of their individual routes happens not to be amon, but their other half and it’s not because of alice. AHHHHHH ( ･ᴗ･̥̥̥ )

idk what dynamic they’re gonna shoot for with dean & alice, but i do hope it doesn’t give off your ‘teacher-student’ vibes aha…… considering how dean’s personality appears so far though, i’d like to think that a slow burn would be fitting for them…? maybe something similar to lancelot’s where the conflict is given more focus than the romance itself.

tl;dr: background on the school + the day everything went dark. teacher vs. student(s) fight scenes + dean/alice fighting duo. dean being lolz evulz to his former students. tweedle twins drama, bless. if dean/alice gives off the teacher-student dynamic, well… can’t say i didn’t see that coming.

dalim. oh boy, while i’m trying hard not to expect anything for now, i can’t help but pray for something good with dalim. i think he has the best potential among the new three since he’s only (or first) suitor in an actual antagonistic position - he knows it, he accepts it, and he’s still going with it. if cybird handwaves a redemption arc for him thru the flimsy power of kira-kira labu (or friendship), i will be very, very, very disappointed. seriously.

anyway, there’s a lot of question marks surrounding him that i want answered but of course, more dirt on the magic tower. perhaps whatever details about the tower that they failed to address in harr’s route they can add + elaborate here, though i really wouldn’t mind knowing more nitty gritty on the human experimentation bit. then there’s the matter about the regression magic he developed. though maybe all before that detailed stuff, maybe some background about how dalim came to be a magic disciple would be good. and how and why he manages a pub on the side. origin stories are a must.

not gonna lie though - i’m more interested in his social life, his relationship with amon the first priority. how long has he known amon, did he approach amon or was it the other way around, when did he start serving amon, do amon and he have similar goals, how ‘loyal’ is he to amon, was he already amon’s subordinate when amon killed his father, did he help amon kill his father, why does he even serve such a guy in the first place... yeah, all that and more. hopefully those are going to be addressed. then there’s dean... if dalim’s goals + ambitions are purely for the sake of his older twin, i’m gonna cry a river. even moreso if his determination is so strong that he still chooses dean over his kira-kira labu for alice. now if cybird really does pull that off, consider me IMPRESSED. HOT DAMN.

them aside, in general his relationship tree seems complicated... he has strained relationships with harr + zero + loki + oliver, though it seems that he and harr still can seem to hold ‘conversations’ with each other... lancelot + seth don’t like him... idk if he was already involved in the day everything went dark operation, but if he was then ray + fenrir would definitely knock him down... lmao that’s a lot of hostility there, and that’s as dalim. as dum, zero + ray + fenrir + oliver are still wary of him haha! well, i hope his interactions with the rest of the cast will fare better / some of those relationships may not be as strained as they seem???

and the romance... since dalim’s human experimentation is a step farther and darker than edgar’s history of murder, there is no way you are going to make me swallow the possibility that he could go down the same route and be pardoned by cradle through trial. or in any way going to be redeemed + forgiven / set free quickly. no, i won’t accept it either if amon does something similar to a claudius and suddenly decides to say that he pulled dalim along for the ride (rather, i’d be furious). ends i’ll accept are dalim himself demanding for or receiving proper judgement for his actions. the feelings between dalim and alice are there & acknowledged, sure, but sadly regardless of what ending they physically cannot be together.

too angsty??? maybe it is, since i personally feel that his situation has the potential to feel more... well, military/war-fitting than the other suitors. i’m not hoping for that scenario simply because i want that extreme angst + drama, but rather because it somehow doesn’t sit right with me that someone so goal-focused, someone who seems to have walked down the wrong path of his own volition, who stated himself that he isn’t human and won’t let ethics stand in his way (zero’s route), would allow himself to be easily forgiven for all that he had done. it’s like a disservice. believe me, i like redemption arcs. but for something severe like what dalim dabbled in for what seemed like years... redemption almost sounds too kind.

i hope whatever they have planned for dalim would appear reasonable and satisfying, both to how they will portray his character and to the plot of his route as a whole.

tl;dr: more magic tower info. his history with amon. tweedle twins drama, bless. more insight into his relationship tree. cybird, dalim/alice’s foe yay has potential, pls don’t mess it up.....

[ninjasmart]

Ninja, how do I know if I'm meant to be with someone? I like someone from afar. He ofcourse doesn't know my existence. On one hand I don't have any expectations and I tell myself it's just a stupid crush. But sometimes I feel a such a strong pull, almost like our destinies are about to get intertwined soon. I don't know what's happening, I keep on getting minor hints that keep on reminding me of him. How do I know if this is just a stupid crush or can I expect something more from the Universe?

I hit the post before I could answer so here it is. 

First, thank you for asking about this. It’s a cardinal rule in this Universe to not interfere unless you’re asked for help.

Second, even if you have mad compatibility aspects with someone it still does not mean that you are meant to be with that someone. Esoterically speaking and even astrologically, for connection can be counted the first time you lay eyes on each other. Preferably in person, but zoom is also an option these days. 

From that moment on whatever aspects you two have could potentially play out. If you don’t meet for real it’s really not it. A further relationship cornerstone is when you exchange sexual energy. It is not my place to give advice to others about how often with how many and how quickly to have a sex with a guy. Everyone has a life and personal responsibility for it. 

What I would mention is two things. Every man you sleep with, you exchange life energy and karma with him. The woman gives the man receives. If the guy has a bad karma you take it onto yourself. This is what we women do - we transform the bad karma of the man and give him life force, creative energy so that he can conquer the world. 

I personally go to great lengths - I mean, past life regressions, akashic records, astrology, tarot before I sleep with a guy. Two things I want to figure out about him - does he have the type of karma I don’t want to deal with (I once had the mistake of sleeping with a guy who turned out to be into financial fraud and 365 days after I cut it with him I finally stopped having people from all over the place stealing money from me) and the second thing is - what’s in it for me. If a guy can significantly uplevel his life just buy having me in his life, why should I give him my energy. It’s not a given. What does he have to offer in return? Will he be kind, dependable, protective, will he be a user. I wanna know what’s in the water before I jump with both feet ;)

The second thing about sleeping with a guy is that he connects with you and for 7 years he draws from your life force. That’s why it’s a good thing for a weak man to sleep with a lot of women and not a good thing for a woman to sleep with a lot of guys. She’ll be depleted of feminine energy and there’s even some women who turn into strong male energy where they find weak men and suck their life force. 

The next key date for a relationship is betrothal - could be with a ring but even a promise to be together or to “never forget you and always be in your heart” is a betrothal that should not be taken lightly. This is the time when each of the partners brings their ancestral karma in the mix. The final stage of a young relationship is marriage. This is the time when the two people form their own energetic nucleus which has some mix of past relationships, family karma, personal karma and past lives of both partners but also has its own energy. Then there’s changes with each child that comes to the mix but that’s another story.

With all that - if you have not seen someone in person it is more important to find out what that hope / dream / obsession / fantasy is giving you than to drill more into when what and how to meet the guy or girl. So here’s my advice for you:

1. Leave it to God. Some things are not in your hands. Allow the Higher Power to be on your side and to bring you the best life conditions for the expansion of your soul and the best life lessons you might have.

2. If you really want to do something about it and you are a woman - do not act like a man about it. There’s so many women today that have forgotten how to be a woman. A woman does not go out into the world to meet her destiny. A woman harnesses her feminine energy at home. She dances, she cooks, she cleans, she makes handmade stuff. That’s how a woman becomes energetically powerful and attracts what she wants in life.  

3. You can do a Parvati offering, if you’re a woman. For 16 Mondays wear all white, cook all white food (rice, milk, cheese) and ask for Goddess Parvati to help you meet your soulmate. Just remember to not name names. You might thing someone is your soulmate but you might be b*shi**ing yourself. So ask for the man you’re connected with the red string of fate to come find you, to come closer to you. 

And believe that it can happen. A man can literally travel 17 hours just to meet you for afternoon tea. Because he wants to and because he can.

4. What’s the payoff of holding on to this dream? Be very specific about it. I’ll give a few examples:

- You’re lonely and dreaming and fantasizing about a man is filling up the loneliness void in your life, plus it’s cheaper than drinking till you blackout. 

 - It’s an addiction that looks harmless at first glance but it really isn’t. It seems that you’re not hurting anybody, just lusting about a person you have never met. It’s innocent, no harm done. Right? Wrong. You’re sending him your life force, you’re gifting it to him with zero return to you, you’re also closing yourself vibrationally to an available guy who can actually find you, you give off the “I’m taken” vibe and that’s a strong repellent to men who are ready for relationship and commitment

- It’s a way to avoid reality because reality is sh***ty and in your dream reality you can be as glam and victorious as can be. 

Well I have some news for you. Life is a mess. Most likely your life will be a disappointment, will not happen how you wanted it to happen, things will go sideways and you won’t be able to do anything about it, you’ll ask yourself more than once in your life - what’s the point, what do I do now, this is a dead end, why are others happy, in love, with money, with career, with kids, without a care in the world and I am not like them, I’m back at square one, I can’t do this any more. And let me tell you - it doesn’t matter where you’re born, what color your skin is, how well you were raised, how much you have or don’t have - you will go through this. Everyone does. 

And finally, what I really wanted to tell you. It is a choice to obsess about someone. It’s a choice to not live in the reality of your life. Many people do it. Many people escape reality with food, mindless sex, spending on stuff, holidaying all year long, watching netflix or porn or news all day long. But that’s all that is - an escapism, a choice to not face reality but live in a fantasy world (I do it too. I’m not above it all. I watch c-drama to practice my mandarin but really, to have that fairy tale ending where the good girl gets the guy). Same with drinking and using drugs or smoking or junk food/dolce foods. Just that with the vices that can kill you faster it’s more obvious that it’s not good for you. With escapism not so much. It’s the same as consumerism. You think you need stuff but then covid comes and you realize that people who care for you are more precious than the next thing you can buy. 

I’ll leave you with two things you can think of. 

1. Ask yourself: Why do you really want this person? What’s the benefit for you?

2. If you knew that holding onto “I want That” is going to push That away from you (you may think that you focus on “I want that” but you actually focus on “I don’t have that” and you push it away) and if you knew that with this dream you’re keeping the space for the most amazing man or woman to come into your life and thus are missing out on opportunities to actually meet your happiness (even if you have a soul contract with someone if you do not meet during the time to meet a soulmate and a husband / wife, it’s not going to work, speaking from experience), would you still subject yourself to a future of single woman / man with cats and dogs? Or would you take full responsibility for the missed life while high on escapism and look at your reality exactly as it is and maybe go from wherever you are in life. 

[ice-cream-nekogirl]

Thank you Mr. Yamada

Summary: You’re undergoing some serious stress involving grades and schoolwork, and when Aizawa proves less than helpful, you end up confiding in an oddly sweet and comforting Present Mic.

We’ve all talked smack about a teacher before right? Lol cuz this has some of that... and even good teachers make mistakes by telling us things we don’t want to hear... 

I wanna dedicate this to Mental Health month, because I know students have struggled with school and it can take a toll on our mental health, and not just school, but with work and life in general so... this might be my favorite fic so far. Cuz I’m sure we’ve all had those wonderful teachers who have actually helped us during some times where we really needed it.

And no there’s NO romance at all in this fic, Reader just has a crush on Present Mic but it don’t go no further than that. This is purely platonic anf fluffy fic featuring a teacher just helping out a student because teachers are supposed to help students. And I can see Present Mic being an emotionally intelligent dude since his intelligence is at 5/5, smarter than Aizawa cuz he’s only 4/5... XD

Sorry Aizawa lol...

And I shamelessly alluded to Mean Girls quite a bit in this one I just love that movie XD

BTW SORRY FOR ANY OOC-NESS!!

Featuring: Favorite Parakeet Dad!!

You're never gonna be alone! From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall, You're never gonna be alone! I'll hold you 'till the hurt is gone.

-”Never Gonna Be Alone” by Nickelback

“*You… have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have a right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand the rights I have read to you?*” 

In English class with your favorite teacher, you had recited the Miranda rights in often stated in America from police when they arrested villains and criminals during the lesson of differences in hero laws in Japan and America. English had gotten easier for you, and you liked to think you were slightly better at it than most of your classmates were.

“YES! Perfection (L/N)! Always the first one to answer right on the dot!” Yamada made sure to loudly praise you in front of the class, because while he didn’t want to play favorites like your homeroom teacher did, he felt that it was necessary since you looked like you needed a little support lately.

“T-Thank you, Mr. Yamada.” You somewhat shyly thanked your English teacher after receiving such praise, not entirely oblivious to some looks your classmates were giving to Yamada. They weren’t jealous or anything, but the loud pro-hero certainly made it a point to make you sound like the best student in this class.

Needless to say, it kind of made you happy since you had been struggling lately in your other classes. Especially with Aizawa. 

Speaking of which…

You were distracted and feeling kinda groggy the entire time in the Hero course, sighing as you tiredly stared off into space and barely registering anything Aizawa, or was it Iida talking? Whoever it was, you weren’t really listening, you were thinking of something else and trying to not think about how bad you were doing in class.

After seeing everyone improve on their quirks and overcoming their own issues, just… really made you feel like you were doing the opposite. And you hated it…

Everyday you tried your hardest, pushed yourself even if it made your muscles ache and your bones hurt the next day. You worked with your quirk as much as you could, even trying to carry a larger portion of water to try and control it as much as you could. Your parents worried that you were going overboard and trying to go beyond your limits, but you really just wanted to get better like everyone else. Not just to feel proud of yourself, but to make everyone around you proud. Even if it meant working yourself tired, and even if it meant forcing yourself to keep everything inside so you could focus on what mattered.

However…

For a while you had really been pretending to be okay until class ended and lunch break had started. Before you could get up to leave to the cafeteria, Aizawa stopped you.

“(L/N).”

You sighed to yourself, closing your eyes and preparing yourself to reluctantly go over to your teacher. What did you do this time? “Yes?” Despite your mood, you made sure to sound polite.

“I need your parents to sign this.” Aizawa gave you a report with a few marks on it, which was detailing a list of things you apparently needed to work on. “Let them know that you’re failing.” The words hit you like a school bus as you inhaled deeply.

“Failing?” You asked incredulously, even though you believed it based on your gradually worsening performances and lack of focus in class lately. He nodded, but it almost seemed as if he didn’t want to tell you this.

“That’s right. I’ve been seeing you regress during physical training. Your supermove also needs more work and thought put into. You barely managed to get your hero license because you had your classmates help you out. I don’t know what’s been distracting you, but you need to work on that because it’s getting in the way of your progress.” Every critique he gave you felt like arrows to your back as you kept your composure.

“I see that you’re struggling, but that’s why I’m telling you what you need to work on, because I know you have potential, but lately you haven’t been living up to it. You don’t want to waste it by letting your vulnerabilities show.” Aizawa wasn’t exactly trying to sound harsh, but he was being honest with you to let you know what he was seeing from you.

“How would you know what vulnerabilities are?”

You steadied your breathing while your teacher talked, resisting the urge to storm out and ignore him like you had been the past couple of months.

“I can help you. You’re here to become a hero, and it’s my job to make sure that you become one. And you can’t be a hero if you’re not trying to catch up to the others. But I know you’re stronger and smarter than this, so I’m going to give you more study sessions and training sessions to help you improve.” He offered you help, but all you heard was him accuse you of not trying to catch up.

“I understand. Thank you, sir, I needed to hear that.” You smiled politely albeit a little sadly. That was a complete lie, you were aware that you were struggling and the way he said all of that just made you feel like shit.

But you still smiled despite the emotions that were brewing inside you but you’ve been pretending to be okay for a good portion of your life so you knew how to keep the tears at bay. And you were NOT going to cry in front of your teacher, especially not the one you felt was bringing you down.

Aizawa looked at you pensively, as if he almost sensed that you weren’t being a hundred percent honest, so he asked you.

“Are you all right (L/N)?” Maybe he was a little harsh with his words, and he could tell that something was a little bit wrong, because he knew that your smile wasn’t real.

“No. No I’m good, I totally get it and I promise I will push myself hard, I know what I gotta do now. I just needed that little push.” You nodded, forcing yourself to sound more chipper as your fake smile grew. And you were thankful that you were good at acting since Aizawa seemed to believe your lies as he sighed a bit.

“Well good. I know you can do it. That’s why I’m pushing you.”

You almost missed the good intentions in his words, because you were too mad to even believe him. “Thank you again Mr. Aizawa. And if there’s anything else I can do to improve, just let me know and I will do it.”

As you smiled, you didn’t notice that your classmate Aoyama was there to eat lunch by himself and he saw right through you. He knew you weren’t being honest and that you most certainly weren’t happy after hearing everything yours and his teacher had told you.

“I will.” Aizawa said to you before you left the classroom in a bit of a huff…

SECONDS LATER…

“I HATE HIM!” You stormed off to scream in the bathroom, but you made sure that you were alone because you knew that ranting about this to the other girls wouldn’t allow you to vent. They would tell you a bunch of bullshit about how Aizawa was ‘trying to help’.

Why? Because they told you that the last time you tried venting about your troubles in class and didn’t help you at all. You loved those girls, but you wanted to slap them silly for dismissing how angry you were that day. So it was just better to vent to yourself, by yourself…

It’s not like they would understand anyway, they all seemed pretty pleased with themselves.

“He’s failing me on purpose I swear to God… that… that fucking jerk… why is it always me? Why am I always being the one singled out…? It’s not like I’m the dumbest and the weakest one in class…” You muttered and asked yourself when you thought about your other classmates who weren’t doing too good either, but they weren’t being called out for it.

Kaminari and Ashido were so much worse at taking tests than you were, and Mineta had a weak-ass quirk while your water quirk could at least pack a punch so why weren’t those three getting read like you were?

You have potential, but lately you haven’t been living up to it?

Did that mean you were losing your potential?

Wasting it and letting your vulnerabilities show?

Weren’t you a human first and a hero second?

Can’t be a hero if you’re not trying to catch up?

But weren’t you trying your damn hardest every goddamn day?

Who does Mr. Aizawa think he is? You wondered as you retreated from the mirror and locked yourself in one of the bathrooms stalls to sit down with your hands in your head, unable to stop a flood of tears from streaming down your face as you began wondering if you were overreacting.

At least, until the rest of your intrusive thoughts came to haunt you.

‘He’s right you know. You’re only mad because he’s right! And do you see Midoriya, Bakugou and Todoroki? They’re doing things you could never do! Congratulations, you’re going to fail and never become a hero cuz the only things you’ve succeeded in this class at all          is being weak, slow AND stupid. Your teacher sees it and your classmates can see it!’

The saboteur in your head taunted you as you cried quietly to yourself and trembled where you sat. God what were your parents going to think when you tell them you’re failing?

And on top of that, there was no way you were going back to class looking like this. You refused.

It’s not like anyone was going to worry or even notice that you weren’t in class because clearly, you were the weakest link in class. You felt that it was better if everyone just did their things without you. You were useless right now, and you were being completely honest, you didn’t want to see any of your classmates right now.

How could they relate to you? They were all doing so much better than you anyway, and they were all stronger, smarter and more talented than you were.

There was no way they could understand…

4 HOURS LATER…

You didn’t want to leave the bathroom, not when it was the only place of privacy where you could hide. Honestly, you were considering just staying in there for the rest of the day, and somehow sneak into your dorm-room and then stay in there for the rest of the night. No one would bother you, and most importantly, you wouldn’t bother anyone either with your pathetic problems.

However, realistically, you knew that couldn’t happen and you were getting kind of bored being all alone in this smelly room and with your phone on low. As much as you didn’t want to, it was time to get out for just a little bit and keep skipping class and fake an illness like mono if you have to; you weren’t going back to class, you absolutely refused.

Sighing, you slowly opened the door and stepped out of the bathroom with a heaviness in your chest that was begging you to go find someplace to sleep in an attempt to make this shitty day go away by closing your eyes. It was already close to the last class of the day, but you had no plans on showing up. Sure you’d get in trouble for it later, but at this point you barely cared anymore. All you wanted to do was stick to your plan and sneak back to your dorm-room so you could be miserable in peace.  

“(L/N)?”

Your favorite teacher’s voice made you freeze in your tracks and gasp audibly in shock. Just like that your body reacted on its own as you started shaking nervously but kept your back turned even though Yamada’s enthusiastic and loud voice was impossible for you to ignore.  

“There you are! Eraser’s been looking for you for a while! Said your classmates didn’t know where you were at! In fact, I think they’re all looking for you!”

Aizawa was worried about you? You honestly couldn’t imagine why, and you didn’t believe it. But just thinking about that was making you quiver more, fists clenching as your lips trembled and tears built up in your eyes, spilling down because there were too much for your eyes to hold back. There was nothing you could do, you wanted to just walk away or even run but how could you do that to Yamada? When he was the only teacher that you felt gave you the most praise when you clearly sucked at everything.

“Haha I can’t wait to see his face when he sees that I found you! And he was worried… but I knew you had to be around campus somewhere~. After all you’re not the type who would skip class, though to be honest you haven’t really been-”

Before he had a chance to finish his sentence you finally turned to face him with your lip quivering and tears running down your face as you sniffled. He quickly shut himself up as the smile on his face immediately fell and contorted into an uncharacteristically concerned frown. Looking directly at him, you saw what looked like worry in his eyes through his glasses. Yamada was usually such a loud man who was almost always smiling that seeing him so quiet and frowning was almost unnatural to you.  

“Hey… (Y/N)… what’s wrong?” He asked you in a rare, soft and very concerned tone. Something not many had the opportunity to hear from the loud-mouthed, carefree pro-hero.

As hard as you tried to keep it all in, everything just poured out of you. Word vomit at its best.

“I… I’m failing the hero course… and I-I’m… I’m trying SO hard… but it’s not enough… I-I haven’t been improving a-and… t-the more I think about it… the more I think t-that I… I should have tried harder… I should have studied harder… worked harder… but… it’s just so hard…” You shut your eyes as tears fell to the ground, unable to hold back the sob that crept out of your throat and made your shoulders shake up and down from the remaining cries that you apparently weren’t finished getting rid of yet. Apparently, you weren’t finished crying yet, and now the concern Mr. Yamada showed you was enough to trigger the overwhelming disappointment with yourself into making you cry in self-pity. 

You hated it.

Frankly, Yamada was alarmed by the sight of a student crying, but there was no way he was going to leave you alone. He knew what you were talking about too, he had noticed that you hadn’t been as energetic lately, nor did you seem happy at all. Sure, you paid attention in HIS class, but he knew that’s because you were confident in there. However, based on what Aizawa had been telling him about you and the rest of his students and from what he’s seen in your overall demeanor, he knew you had fallen into a slump and this was a result of bottling up all your stress. Now it was all pouring out and it practically broke his heart seeing you like this.

“M-M…M-Mr. Aizawa… h-he… he knows I’m weak a-and s-stupid… he’s not saying it outright, but I know he knows it… and he’s right… n-n-nno matter what I try, nnnnn-nothing works… I’m guh-getting worse… e-eh-ev-everyone’s getting better… e-e-everyone… b-but me…” You choked out tearfully in between sobs, barely able to even talk as you opened up what had been eating you up from the inside out.

“What? No! That’s not true! Trust me, Eraser and I talk all the time, and he does NOT think you’re weak… and if everyone’s getting better, then you are too! You’re a part of their class after all, they’re just improving in their own ways, and you are too!” Yamada has seen students break down before, but not quite like this where he was face-to-face with one, so he wasn’t entirely sure how to make you feel better. He wouldn’t give up though, not on his student.

“B-But… but it’s true… I-I… I’m not improving… I-I’ve… I’m regressing… i-in the tests, t-the combat… I-I keep losing… f-for me and m-my partners I’m p-paired with… a-and t-the gym… God the fucking gym… I-I can’t… I’m getting slower… I can’t run fast… e-even though I push myself as hard as I can I just c-can’t… l-look at me, I’m pathetic and weak, I’m weak, s-slow and stupid… I-I can’t ru-run fast Mr. Yamada, I-I c-can’t fight back, I can’t buh-b-be a hero, I-I’m the weakest link in my class, I-I’m ridiculous and sss-sllow…”

Dramatically and breaking down almost completely, you started running in place as if to emphasize your weakness in running as you continued to cry and unload the same intrusive thoughts that tormented you. You almost didn’t notice Yamada awkwardly walking closer towards you even if what he was seeing right now was hard to watch. An upset, anxious student overwhelmed by anxiety and self-doubt who was falling apart before his eyes.

“Stop it… S-Stop saying those things! Come on now… you can’t say that to yourself… you can’t treat yourself like that… come here…”

He shook his head at what you were saying about yourself, opening his arms out as you found yourself gladly letting yourself into your teacher’s hold as he gently put his arms around you in a soft hug while you clung to him and unabashedly cried your heart out. Yamada was an affectionate and hands-on kind of man in general, but as a teacher he didn’t want to cross his boundaries with a student. However, he cared about you very much, and you looked so upset that he couldn’t just let you cry and suffer all by yourself like this. As a teacher AND a hero, he felt like it was his job to comfort a distraught student who was clearly under a lot of stress. You might have been Aizawa’s student, but you were just as much one of his students as you were Aizawa’s!

“It… I-It’s s-ssso huh-hard… I-It’s just so… fucking… hard… I… I… I-I’m s-ss-sso tired of tuh-trying so hard a-and not d-doing anything right M-Mr. Yamada… n-nothing I-I do is… m-making me better… I-I… I-I’m g-getting w-w-worse…”

You’ve really done it this time. Crying like a child in front of your favorite teacher. And yet, hugging him felt so nice. So warm and comforting.

“I know… I know it’s hard… hey, hey it’s okay… I’ve got you… don’t hurt yourself sweetie, take deep breaths for me now, okay? Breathe…” He said in the softest voice you had ever heard him use as he held you while you clutched his costume, and he didn’t mind. Rocking you gently, he kept hushing you as you cried, your shoulders still trembling as he made sure to speak softly and gently to soothe your frazzled nerves as you followed his advice, trying to steady your rapid breathing by taking a few deep inhales and shaky exhales through gritted teeth. Inhaling sharply in an attempt to try and breathe again as you focused on the warmth coming from your teacher’s arms, slowly it was working.

“Good, that’s it… very good, shhhhh…” He praised you once he felt you slowing yourself down, knowing that you were in serious need of emotional support right now, and everything he was doing so far was working for you. You felt very safe at the moment, and not judged at all. Yamada was very patient with you too, he let you slow down so you could catch your breath and breathe properly, and he only spoke when you had eventually stopped shaking as you kept taking deep, steady breaths until you were calm enough and stopped hyperventilating.

“You’re trying very hard. Being a hero ain’t easy… but you’re not alone ya know? Ya see, while you might not think so, you’re trying just as hard, if not, harder than anyone else is! I’ve seen your effort, and your passion… Eraser’s a bit too much sometimes BUT! I’m sure he can tell you’re trying your best…”

“Mr. Aizawa doesn’t care about me, or how hard I try… he never has… all he cares about are the strong ones in our class… He only cares about Shinsou, Midoriya, Bakugou, Tsuyu, Yaoyorozu and Todoroki… all my friends… but not me… cuz I’m the weakest one… I’m sure he’s just ready to expel me anytime he wants…” Your tone was bitter, yet still fresh with sadness and your lack of self-esteem and distorted view was talking for you. Even though at times you felt as if Aizawa didn’t care about you, and it wouldn’t surprise you if he didn’t.

“Ha! He gives off that impression, doesn’t he?” He laughed a little bit, trying to lighten up your mood a little bit as you were calm enough to pay attention to him, blinking slightly as it pushed some stray tears down your face. “Eraser’s good at pretending he doesn’t care about his students… the thing is though he’s a total pusher, he pushes people, just like that teacher in Mean Girls. And he especially pushes his students BECAUSE he cares about them and he knows that they have a LOT of potential! And he definitely cares about you! I know he does! He definitely doesn’t think you’re weak!” That didn’t really do much to make you feel better since you already heard that from Aizawa. But surprisingly Yamada could tell that it wasn’t doing much to convince you.

“He just forgets that he can come off as a total hardass sometimes and that you kids are still kids who are gonna react differently compared to others. But don’t let that make you feel as if you’re not improving, because you are! You’re one of my best students! And I’ve seen the way you use your quirk. You’re really strong! You’re just in a little bit of a slump that’s all, nothing wrong with that though because every hero goes through slumps. I sure have! Every teacher in this school has! Including Eraser and even All-Might!” Yamada used his normal tone this time, enthusiastically saying oddly sweet and gentle words of encouragement to you.

At first you were surprised once you registered all of that, but you understood what he was saying. Basically, that none of the heroes were perfect, and that there wasn’t anything wrong with that. You yourself were far from perfect and prone to making a lot of mistakes and you struggled with things differently than your classmates might have, including anxiety, self-hatred and self-doubt.

Yet, Yamada still didn’t judge you, and he wasn’t judging you for being upset over this, if anything, his words just made you realize that while you weren’t perfect; there was nothing wrong with being imperfect because it happens to everyone, and that regardless of the slump you were definitely in, it didn’t make you weak.

“Look it’s perfectly normal to go through these slumps. We might be heroes, and we might be humans with quirks, but under the costumes and the hero titles we’re still just humans, the quirks are just bonuses, and they don’t change the fact that we’re humans at our core. Even if we chose to be heroes, we can’t forget or ignore our humanity AND our wellbeing, now can we? Our humanity is the basis of our heroism, don’t you think?” He asked you, raising a brow as you looked up at him almost adoringly. Sometimes you swore everyone forgot how smart Yamada was, but you didn’t, you thought he was wonderful.

In fact, you thought he was the most brilliant hero in the school, and you were absolutely marveled by him, especially right now. He told you everything you wanted and needed to hear. So, you nodded your head at his question, making him smile again.

“Don’t ever feel bad for being human. You know your limits and what your own personal issues are, it doesn’t mean you’re weak. And I know you get anxious and doubt yourself sometimes, but those don’t make you weak either. You are NOT weak and it’s OKAY to not feel okay sometimes, it does NOT make you weak. In fact, I believe you’re going to be one of the stronger heroes when you graduate and you’re going to be one of the most fantastic pro-heroes of your age! So, don’t think you’re weak or pathetic (L/N). Don’t you think that for one minute, okay?” He spoke gently again, and sounded slightly firm for a moment there, but it was still gentle and comforting as he grinned at you until a smile finally found its way onto your lips.

It was like a validation you never knew you needed, and just hearing him reassure you like this just made you tear up again as they freely fell down your face.

Sniffling, you whimpered and hugged him again in gratitude. Yamada was rather surprised at the sudden hug, but he quickly and gladly returned it with a big smile on his face, tearing up just a little bit himself; he was beyond happy that you seemed better now and that he was able to help you when you needed it.

“Okay… I won’t… I promise I won’t sir… thank you… but, you know… you actually gave me something else I didn’t know was what I really wanted…”

“Oh? What was that?”

“A hug…” You admitted somewhat shyly, since for a while you’d been desperately wanting a hug and couldn’t find it in you to ask some of your friends that because it felt so awkward. But thankfully, Yamada had given you what you had been wanting and needing. And admittedly, you’d be lying to yourself if you said you didn’t have a bit of a crush on this man, even though you knew that it wouldn’t be possible because of the age gap, yet a part of you dreamed nonetheless for when you became of age.

As for Yamada, he was surprised by this and yet he still smiled while he hugged you. It was times like these that made him remember that this is why he became a teacher aside from a being a hero.

“I was happy to help (Y/N). And if you ever need to talk to someone about this or if you’re ever having another bad day, intrusive thoughts or anything else, you can always come to me okay?” He asked you softly, and you nodded in his hug with a warm smile, loving every minute of this and prayed that this could last just for a little while longer…

Sadly you didn’t get that wish.

“What’s going on here?” Aizawa’s voice startled you and Yamada as you both yelped and jumped a little bit in your hug, and slowly you pulled away to rather awkwardly turn to face the other pro-hero, whose eyes slightly widened upon seeing you.

“(L/N)?” Your own eyes widened, but you quickly looked away with a nervous look once you felt Aizawa’s eyes on you, staring at the ground as anxiety started creeping up on you again.

“Where have you been? You didn’t show up to class since lunch.” He asked you in a rare tone that almost sounded gentle. And worried? That really surprised you, but you weren’t exactly comfortable enough to answer him yet.

“Eraser! Perfect timing! I found (L/N)! And she’s okay!” Yamada cheerfully said and looked over at you. “You are aren’t you (L/N)?” However, he had to ask you that just to make sure that you were okay. And because it was Yamada speaking to you, you looked away from the ground to meet his eyes and you found yourself able to smile again at him.

“Y-Yeah… it’s been a while… but for once I can say that I am legitimately okay. Thanks to you Mr. Yamada.” You said, a bit bashfully but sincerely, not taking your eyes off your English teacher as he grinned happily, much to Aizawa’s subtle annoyance. Of course, he was relieved that you were okay, but he clearly saw that you weren’t looking at him.

“It was no problem! Anytime okay?” Yamada said to you sweetly, he was very genuine with you. And yet, he couldn’t help but kind of rub this in his friend’s face a little bit. Aizawa wouldn’t admit it, but it was working only a little bit, especially since his own student was being more open with his friend than him.

“(L/N) Are you all right?” Your teacher asked you, seeing your reddened eyes and the remnants of tears on your cheeks; at that moment he realized that you had been crying. You couldn’t tell that he had become rather concerned now since he had never seen you cry before.

However, as mad as you were at your homeroom teacher, you did eventually look at him before you wiped the dried tears from your face. “I’m sorry Mr. Aizawa… I skipped class… on purpose… I know I shouldn’t have … but, I… I wasn’t feeling well, and I wasn’t in a good place enough to come back....”

For once, you did see the care and concern in Aizawa’s now soft-looking eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me? I’m your teacher. I know you’ve been struggling. I would have helped you if you told me that you needed it concerning your well-being.” He sounded like he was scolding you, and he was a little bit but now it was clear that he was more worried than upset with you.

You ALMOST wanted to cry again, but you didn’t now that you had gotten everything out with Yamada and felt better about yourself a little bit. Although you were feeling kind of guilty now for hiding everything else from Aizawa, it was time to get everything out with him too.

“That’s just it… I got in my head. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to you about this, with how bad I’ve been doing… I didn’t want to seem like I desperately needed help because I thought I could deal with this on my own.” You averted your eyes again, biting your bottom lip a little bit.

“And I have to be honest, I was hurt… I was hurt by your words today before lunch, it felt more like I was being judged than being given constructive criticism, like I was being told I wasn’t good enough, and that I wasn’t trying when I was trying my absolute hardest… when I’ve had plenty of people tell me that before… the minute you said that, I… I hated you in that moment… I wanted to punch you in the face… You were the last person I wanted to talk to about what was bothering me…” Almost shamefully, you covered your eyes with your fingers, unable to see the look of very subtle shock on your teacher’s face, as Yamada tried his hardest to not snicker, and it wasn’t working.

“I’m really sorry sir but I was just so hurt and angry that I could not bear the thought of asking you for help because I felt like I was just going to get judged again… but hiding wasn’t the right way to do it either… so I’m sorry… I never should have worried you.” You grabbed your arm nervously, guilt etched over your features even though you were finally being honest with Aizawa, just as you had been with Yamada.

Although you didn’t see it, Aizawa had the grace to look guilty. This wasn’t the first time he’s hurt one of his student’s feelings, and yet it never ceased to make him feel awful about it. Especially if it was enough to make one just avoid class altogether and cry by themselves. Worst of all, you refused to ask for his help because he hurt your feelings that badly.

“I appreciate your honesty (L/N). But you know that it’s never my intention to judge my students right? My purpose is to help you and your classmates improve and learn. I suppose I was too hard on you, and for that I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt your feelings.” He looked and sounded guilty, and for once you actually smiled at your homeroom teacher. Now you could register his words after clearing your head a little bit.

“I know… I’m sorry I took it so personally.” You felt bad though, even if you knew that your feelings were valid.

“Don’t be. I wasn’t really gentle with what I told you. I should have approached you better.” Aizawa owned up to not really being that nice in what he said to you, and you nodded in agreement, glad that he was taking responsibility for having hurt your feelings.

“Yeah your approach kinda sucked.” Despite that you gave a small chuckle and it surprised to see your own teacher give a low chuckle. Albeit, it was mostly because he was glad to see that you looked happier than you had been in months. He might not have been gentle about your struggles, but he knew you were struggling and it concerned him; he just didn’t know how to approach you about it the right way.

“You know that you’re going to still have to make up for all the classes you missed though, right?” But Aizawa still had to be your teacher, and this time, you weren’t sad to hear that from him as you nervously smiled.

“Of course… I saw that coming… I feel a little bit better to do that.” You said softly, even though you might not have been one hundred percent yet, you felt so much better after confiding in Mr. Yamada. And actually pretty inspired after he helped you and talked to you about taking care of your own mental health. “In fact, I’ve made a major decision after today.”

That however, surprised both Aizawa and Yamada, but they let you talk anyway to hear what you had to say.

“I’ve decided that I definitely want to work harder with my studies. The kind of hero I’ll be… will be one who looks out for people. Pick them up when they’re down. After all… it’s super important. Mental health is overlooked. I want to be that kind of hero for people who struggle like me.” You suddenly came to that conclusion after your talk with Yamada. It didn’t make all your issues go away, but his care for you during your breakdown gave you enough strength to get back up again and inspired you to think more about that.

“I’m going to fix all my mistakes, work on my super-move and rely less on my classmates. And I won’t let you down next time Mr. Aizawa. Because whoever you pair me up against, I’m going to kick their ass.” A smirk made its way to your lips, looking more confident and happier than earlier. Which pleased your teacher as he gave you a small smile, obviously happy himself that you finally looked more certain about yourself than you had been in months.

“I know you will.” Aizawa felt confident in you now after seeing the energy return to your eyes as you actually smiled wide at your teacher.

“I’ll see you both tomorrow. Mr. Aizawa. Mr. Yamada. And thank you again… thank you Mr. Yamada. I won’t forget this ever.” You bowed to them both, and Yamada couldn’t help but look very proud of himself when you gave him a second thank you, much to Aizawa’s annoyance.

“Of course (L/N)! I was happy to help!” Yamada’s enthusiastic tone bordered on a brag when he saw how peeved his friend looked, especially when their student smiled happily and politely left the two of them with a soft ‘good-bye’ after being dismissed.

“She’s got more spirit now.” Aizawa saw that in you again as he watched you walk away. “I knew she would find it again.” He always saw your potential; you just needed a little bit of a push. It worked too because now you were more than motivated now. He just wished he could have been the one to help you when that put you in a slump instead. And he wished that he didn’t make you cry…

“And I helped!” Yamada had to say that though, just to rub some salt in the wound. And Aizawa hated that it was irritating him this much. “But you’re right… she looks very determined now.” He snickered a bit.

“What’s so funny?” Aizawa asked him very curtly as he tried to not look as annoyed as he was feeling.

“With that fire in her… I bet whoever she fights tomorrow… she’s probably going to pretend that they’re you and punch them in the face.” Yamada smirked somewhat deviously at him, but then he shrieked when the other pro-hero glared at him with those angry, red eyes of his. Because deep down, he hoped that wasn’t true.

And unfortunately, it was.

Because the next day you were paired up against Kirishima. You were so full of a new-found energy and motivation that you were ready for this, and the first thing you did was punch him in the face before fighting, and you quickly won the match once you used your water quirk to its max level now that you had the fire back in you.

“Anybody else want some?!”

You shouted after successfully pinning Kirishima down and you were announced victorious. Quite a few of your classmates were startled, and some (especially Mineta) were terrified, even Bakugou looked mildly shocked by the spark you had shown them all. But you almost didn’t notice their reactions, but you were feeling amazing now; like you could do anything.

Although you DID quickly apologize to poor Kirishima afterwards, a lot in fact and you immediately felt guilty for beating him. But the sweet redhead just smiled and shrugged it off and happily congratulated you on your win. Even he could tell that you got a fire back in your stomach and he was happy for you.

“That felt good.” You smiled widely as you approached your closest friends Midoriya, Uraraka, Iida and Todoroki.

“Wow! (Y/N) I knew your quirk was strong but you… you really showed off even more power today…” Midoriya looked positively awed, his green eyes wide and practically sparkling in marvel.

“A most excellent performance (Y/N)! I think it was your best one yet! I’m proud of you!” Iida somewhat dramatically praised you, but he was clearly happy when he saw that you had a spark back in you.

“Oui. The sparkle in your eyes is back~.” You were hella surprised when Aoyama had remarked on your energy, but you still appreciated it. Even if you had no idea that he was aware of your struggles as you smiled at the blonde boy.

“Yeah! Are you kidding? You were more than good! You really showed everyone that you’re not to be messed with!” Uraraka then cheerfully praised you with a big grin, almost like she was amazed by you as you couldn’t help but hug the girl. “Aww! Guys thank you so much!!”

“No. Not good. Brilliant.” Todoroki gave you one of his rare smiles that he had reserved for you, which made you giggle and blush at all the compliments and praise your friends were giving you as you thanked each and every one of them personally. And your smile grew when you fondly thought about Mr. Yamada. You owed this to him after the way he helped you. And you would never forget it.

However, you couldn’t help but notice that after your battle with Kirishima that Mr. Aizawa was awfully silent and a little sulky afterward…

[marvellouslymadmim]

Also.

A sidebar discussion this morning has made me realize that we also need to put this idea out there: it’s really important to understand that Hecate isn’t this hapless thing constantly tossed about by life (I still hate that she’s treated as a glorified plot device by this writing staff, but that’s actually another post). She has, within the realm of the show, had nearly 50 years of life to grow and develop and continue. 

Hecate has had 30 years to process the original trauma. Which was “I was a child who made an awful mistake.” She’s been surrounded by people like Gwen and Ada and Dimity for years now, can we honestly assume that they wouldn’t have supported her and tried to move her towards healing?

So let’s say that Hecate did learn to forgive herself, on some level. Accepted and made peace with things, while still remembering Indigo fondly (sorry, that statue had not been left completely alone for 30 years--someone was doing some form of maintenance, over time). Has learned to use it as motivation to guide the next generation away from similar mistakes.

And then Julie Hubble comes along. Reminds Hecate just how dangerous “non-magical” people are, when given magic. Brings up painful memories.

And then Indigo herself comes back. Hecate has just had a refresher in how dangerous Indigo was. And now she’s roaring back to life.

Part of Hecate’s healing, I think, was built upon the belief that Hecate did the right thing by keeping Indigo in stone--because otherwise she was a danger to everyone else in the witching world.

Also let’s be real here: you didn’t need Mildred’s great-whatever granny to find a transformation spell. Hecate Hardbroom is extremely determined, and if she had wanted to transform Indigo back, she would have found a way (and don’t @ me with that Witches Code shit because this bitch has A STAFF, she don’t give a flying fuck about breaking the rules, not really, that’s part of her persona to steer the girls to make better choices than she did). Which means that at some point, Hecate chose not to.

So Hecate, for a certain number of years, has made a conscious choice to let Indigo remain in stone. She has told herself that this was the only way, the best way, that she was in some way making up for a dangerous decision that put her entire society at risk. She has made peace with that, as part of her penance. It’s obvious from her initial reaction when Indigo returns that she genuinely believes the girl to be an absolute danger to everyone and everything around them. 

But Indigo--with Mildred’s help--is proving her wrong.

And what we see now isn’t “I was a child who made an awful mistake” but the dawning realization of “I am an adult who made a decision that robbed another child of freedom for years...all based on a belief that has been proven untrue”. 

Gods. What a gut punch.

So what we see after Indigo’s return isn’t necessarily just old stuff coming to the surface after 30 years of repression. It’s simply a regression in the healing journey because a foundational piece fell through. It’s Hecate realizing that she made a secondary decision that was made with good intent and yet was still “wrong”. It’s readjusting to new information.

And then, rather than admit that her previous assumptions about Indigo’s nature with added magic, Hecate digs her heels in and looks for ways to get rid of Indigo--to get rid of the constant reminder that she made a mistake. But the mistake isn’t giving her magic: it’s believing that she couldn’t be taught to be a better, safer, more socially-conscious witch in the first place. It’s realizing that she didn’t trust her own deep childhood friend, that she unjustly confined Indigo as well.

“How can I demand the best behavior from the girls when I myself have behaved unforgivably?”

This is the question Hecate asks Gwen after Indigo has left. Not after Indigo has returned. Which indicates Hecate’s feeling that she can no longer perform her duties at Cackle’s isn’t based in her childhood mistake, but rather her adult mistakes of first keeping Indigo in stone and then refusing to help her grow into a good witch when she does return. She set an awful example by making a mistake and refusing to do the hard work necessary to truly fix it. She also failed as an educator in allowing herself to stunt a student’s progress by letting fear and preconception take the lead in her approach. And she has a point--how can she continue teaching if she can’t remain open minded and optimistic about her students?

Hecate’s reminder to Indigo that “I am your teacher now” is a reaffirmation that Hecate realizes her role as a mentor and even caregiver, and also realizes how she’s failed in those roles due to her own fears and her inability to accept responsibility for her own actions. And yes, even a dash of “I can’t admit this mistake because so much has been built upon it.” But she’s letting it all come tumbling down because even though it’s the hard thing to do, it’s the right thing to do. She’s recommitting herself to truly being a teacher. 

It’s also important to note that Hecate tells Ada, “I believe it is time I stopped blaming Indigo and started trying to make amends.” Which implies that Hecate knows she’s contributed to this situation as well. She’s taking agency in this. She’s owning her actions. She’s dismissing the passiveness of blaming others and taking Gwen’s advice in truly making amends--I teach my kiddos all the time, it’s not about saying you’re sorry, it’s about showing it with actions, too. And no better apology exists than changed behavior.

And when Ada points out that Hecate had always feared Indigo’s powers “would make her malevolent”, it’s Hecate who adds, “But I thought those fears were unfounded.” Which means Hecate is admitting that at this point, she had already realized that she had made a mistake in judging Indigo’s potential, and that she’d been acting upon baseless fears. Holy hollyhocks, she’s owning past actions all over the place, y’all.

So I swear upon all that is good and holy, if we don’t see at least a slightly softer Miss Hardbroom next season, I will burn shit to the ground. This entire cast didn’t go through an emotional whirlwind of a season just to have it reset back to nothing. (I’m not holding my breath though)

[persephonelovesbts]

Little One

Taehyung x Reader 

One Shot

Rating: mature

Category: 💞🆘

Warnings: Daddy kink, age regression, non-sexual age regression, dom/sub 

Word Count: 7,239

AO3 link

Summary: Taehyung gets paired with the girl of his dreams for their dance showcase. She gets sick and can't practice for a week. he gets worried and takes her some soup... he never expected what happens next.

The professors were deciding who would do what at the end of the year showcase.  I was probably going to get a solo.  Professors never like pairing me with people or putting me in groups because other people hold me back.  It was finally time for them to make the announcements.  They started with the group acts, which I tuned out because that has nothing to do with me.  Then they announced the duets, which I also was ignoring.  Well… that is until they called my name.

“Kim Taehyung and YLN YFN.”  One of the professors announced.

My heart stops.  YLN YN.  They paired me with YLN YN.  The adorable girl who is a triple threat like me.  The girl who I’ve wanted since I laid eyes on her.  The girl who is walking towards me right now with a beautiful smile on her face.  Fuck.  Fuck.

“Hi.”  A soft melodious voice fills my ears.

“Hi,”  I say back.  “I guess we’re partners.”  I can’t say that I’m upset about this, even though I never do duets.

She giggles.  It takes everything in me not to melt into a puddle at her feet.  “I wasn’t expecting to be in a duet.”

“Me neither.”  Fuck, she is so cute.  How does this beautiful creature exist?

“So, when are you free to discuss ideas?  I wasn’t prepared for a duet.”  She smiles up at me.

She’s so small.  She barely comes up to my shoulder.  I could throw her all over the place with ease.  I’d probably break her if I fucked her.  I wonder if she’s a virgin.  She looks so sweet and innocent- No.  Stop that.  This is not the time for those kinds of thoughts.  “I’m free now actually.  We could go to the coffee shop on campus.”

She smiles brightly, “Sure sounds good.  Just let me go grab my bag and text my roommate to let him know.”  She skipped away to her stuff.  

Him?  Her roommate is a him?  Maybe it was a mistake.  I mean if she had a boyfriend or if this roommate was her boyfriend she would have said ‘boyfriend,’ right?  She comes back up to me and smiles.  Fuck, that smile is so perfect.  I hope she doesn’t have a boyfriend.  

“Um, Tae?”

She called me Tae.  That’s so sweet.  Wait she’s talking to me, fuck.  “Sorry, what?”

She giggles, “I asked if you were ready.”

“Oh, yeah.  I didn’t have class today.  I just came for the announcements.  Did you drive here?”  I say as we walk out of the dance hall.

“No, I walked.  I don’t have a car.”  She doesn’t have a car?  So, I can take her home?  Fuck yes.

“Do you always walk to and from class?”  I inquire.  Maybe if I date her, she’ll let me pick her up and take her home every day.  That would be so great.

“No, Jimin has a car and he picks me up when I have late classes.”

“Jimin?”  

I must have said it with more malice in my voice than I intended because she smirks up at me.  “Yeah.  My roommate.  Park Jimin.”  She chuckles.  No, not giggles.  Chuckles.  She’s fucking with me and she knows it.  She’s being snarky, not cute.

“Hold up.  Wait, Park Jimin?  The singer and dancer.  The one who is simultaneously the sexiest and most adorable guy in our year?  That Park Jimin?”  I sound like a fanboy, but that shit is facts.

She falls into me as she laughs.  Yeah, it has to be that Park Jimin because he does the same thing when he laughs.  Fuck.  “Yes.  That Park Jimin.”  She says when she composes herself enough to make words.  She’s so cute.

I grunt in response.  Fuck.  I have no chance.  Poor Jungkook is going to be devastated too.  We don’t speak the rest of the way to the coffee shop.  She has this devious smirk on her face the rest of the walk there.  Once we get there, we sit in one of the booths.  “Do you want anything?”

“No.  I’m good.”  She smiles at me.  

She looks different.  She’s not wearing her cute smile.  It’s still quite devious.  “Hmm.”  I nod at her.  “I don’t drink coffee.  I just like the atmosphere here.”  I say as I lean back on my side of the booth.

She smirks and leans forward, “So… would you like me to set you up with Jimin?  He’s currently single and ready to mingle.  And the one guy he’s into, he’s too much of a chicken shit to say anything to.”

I blink at her.  Did she just say those words to me?  “Um… no.  I’m not gay.  And my roommate would kill me.”  Then a bright ray of hope hit me.  “Wait, he’s gay?”

She chuckles, “No.  Bi.  Who’s your roommate?  Maybe I can help them out.”

Bi.  That’s not gay enough.  They could still have been a thing.  But, apparently, they don’t now if she’s trying to set him up.  “Jeon Jungkook.”

She gasps.  Her mouth turns into a sexy little o and holy fuck do I want to put my dick between those pretty lips.  “No fucking way!”  Now I really want to fuck her dirty little mouth.  She needs to watch herself with the swearing.  “Jeon Jungkook!  That’s the guy Jimin is crushing on!”  Her voice raises an octave.

“Really?”  I ask excitedly.  “We should totally set them up.”  Maybe if I can get Jungkook with Jimin I won’t have to worry about him being with YN.  

“Oh my gosh yes!”  She reaches across the table to grab my hand as she speaks.  Her smile is so big.  She’s so adorable.  

Her hand is like fucking ice though, “Are you cold?”  Is it cold in here?  I know I don’t get as cold as other people, but I usually am aware if it’s cold for others.  It actually feels quite warm from the hot drinks in the shop.

She quickly pulls her hand away and pulls her sleeve down over her hand.  “Sorry.  I’m cold natured.”  She smiles shyly.  Note to self: always have a jacket when hanging out with YN, just in case.  “Any ideas for the dance?”  She quickly changes the subject.

Weird.  “Um… I don’t know.  Maybe lovers-”

“No.”  She deadpans, interrupting me.

If she were mine, I’d drag her ass home and take her over my knee.  “You didn’t even hear my idea,”  I say as calmly as possible.

Considering the gleam in her eye, it wasn’t very calm, “Lovers fighting, lovers falling in love, lovers being torn apart, lovers coming back together after being apart, lovers who once friends.  It’s all been done before.  Everyone is going to do that.  So, no.”  She crosses her arms.

Brat.  “Well, what do you want to do?”

The smirk on her face tells me she’s enjoying this.  “Not lovers.”  She pulls out her phone and starts typing.  From the way she’s looking at her phone and typing I can tell she is texting.

She knows what she’s doing to me, “How about a story about a bratty girl who gets punished?”

She freezes and slowly meets my gaze, “Lame.”  She says impassively.

What the fuck?  Lame?  That was meant to be a threat!  “Who are you texting?  I thought you wanted to talk about the dance?”

She smirks up at me, “Why do you care?”  I just stare at her and try to keep myself from glaring too hard.  “It’s Jimin.  He’s freaking out about Jungkook.”

“So, he’s your roommate?”  I should NOT have asked that.

“Yeah.”

“Just your roommate?”  What the fuck?  Shut up.  That’s so obvious.  Why am I allowed to speak?

She looks up at me through her long eyelashes, “Depends on what you mean by that?”

Shit.  Now I have to know.  “Have you ever fooled around with him?”

She gazes at me, “Are you sure you want to know the answer to that?”

“If I didn’t, I wouldn’t ask.”  That’s a lie.  No.  I don’t want to know.  Because form how she said that I know the answer is yes.

She chuckles, “Yes.  He’s been my best friend since we were kids.  He was my first everything.”  

Fuck.  Nope.  Can’t have that.  I have to get rid of him.  I have to get him and Jungkook together and maybe they’ll move in together and Jimin will be out of the way.  

She smirks at me.  “Jealous?”  My stupid face must have given me away.

Yes!  “Why would I be?”  I try to contort my face into something that doesn’t look angry, jealous, or disappointed.

“I don’t know, but your face sure as hell looks that way.”  She chuckles.

I miss her being adorable and cute and giggly.  This is a whole other side of her.  I think I like it.  In an I-want-to-fuck-it-out-of-her sort of way.  She’s a teasing little brat and those can be quite fun.  If she’s teasing me, maybe that means she’s at least somewhat interested in me.  I smirk at her, “Do you want me to be jealous?”

She tilts her head, “Nah.  But I need to get home.  Jimin is losing his mind right now.”  She stands.

“What about the dance?”

“We can talk about it later.  Come on let’s set our roommates up.”  She takes my hand and pulls me up and walks me out of the coffee shop.  Her ice-cold hands make my heart race.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

It’s a week later.  Jimin and Jungkook have been officially set up as of yesterday.  YN and I decided to do something very dramatic for our showcase: an angel of death dance.  For most of the dance, it looks like I’m the angel of death, but in the end, it will be her.  We also got permission to do our song and drama finals as part of the dance.  We are both triple threats after all.  It is a big ordeal we are taking on, but it will be amazing.  

Rehearsals the past week have been… interesting.  YN was an excellent dancer and her singing voice is a gift from the gods.  It was really nice to be able to hold her and dance with her and move her body around.  Honestly, I liked it in more than just a sexual way, although we did have a few heated moments in the dance that left us both breathless.  She always smirked at me in those moments.  I had to use every ounce of self-control I had not to kiss her in those moments, even just to wipe the smirk off her face.  Not that I don’t think she would like it, if anything she’s been inviting it. I just don’t want our first kiss to be because of the dance.  It can be intense dancing with someone and you get the adrenaline rush and you feel like you’re on cloud nine.  I want it to be because we both want it not because we’re feeling the rush.

She was a hard worker and would get frustrated when she messed up.  If I messed up though, she was encouraging, kind and supportive.  Her hard-working nature though was not always the best.  She has been coughing a lot but has so far refused to go to the doctor and says she’s fine.  One day it got so bad that I ended practice early.  When she tried to refuse, I walked out of the studio because she couldn’t really practice without me.  Surprisingly, it worked.  After a minute, she stomped out of the studio after me and asked me to give her a ride.  

As I’m getting ready to head to our rehearsal today, she texts me.

[9:29 am YN]: I’m sick.  Can’t come to rehearsal.

She must be really sick if she’s not coming to rehearsal.

[9:30 am Me]: Oh, hope you feel better.  You going to the doctor?

[9:31 am YN]: Yeah Jimin is taking me now.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

That was the last text I received from her for a week.  I mean I get it, she’s sick, but she could at least tell me what’s wrong, how long until she gets better, all that.  But no.  I noticed Jungkook was mopey too because he hasn’t seen Jimin in that time as well.  Maybe he got sick as well?  Lucky for them classes were canceled for the week, so everyone could start getting their ideas together for the showcase.  

Jungkook has been on his phone a lot lately when he isn’t at his own rehearsals.  He got a solo for the singing portion of the showcase.  “Hey, Kook, have you heard from Jimin?”

“Yeah, I’m texting him now.”  He mumbles without looking away from the phone.

“Is he sick too?”

He shakes his head, “No, but YN really is and he’s taking care of her.  He said she’s a real baby when she’s sick.”  He looks at me now and wags his eyebrows.

“Shut up.”  I sneer, “So, she’s not contagious?”  I ask.

“I guess not.”  He’s now typing quickly.  “Jimin says she won’t let him leave her side though.”

“So, if I were to… say… take her some soup… do you think that would be okay?”  I ask.

Jungkook raises an eyebrow at me, “She’s sick, perv.”

“Fuck you!”  I yell, “What are you even insinuating?”

He gives me a knowing look, “I know how much you like babygirls.  Jimin says she is one.”

My heart stops.  “And Jimin knows that... how?”  I say through clenched teeth.

Jungkook rolls his eyes, “Hyung-”

“How Kook!?”  I yell.

He lets out a breath, “They’re best friends.  You really think they don’t know that shit about each other?  Also, they were each other’s first everything.  You knew that.”

“So, you wouldn’t be mad if Jimin was her Daddy or Master or Sir or whatever?”  I’m shaking with anger now.  

He just sighs, rolls his eyes, and ignores me.  

“I’m taking her soup.  Don’t tell Jimin.”

“Hyung-”

“Don’t tell him, Kook!”  I say from the door as I slam it shut.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

As I walk up to her apartment with the soup I bought, I try to calm myself.  There is nothing going on between them.  They’re friends and roommates.  I knock on the door.  Jimin is with Jungkook.  It’s fine.  When the door opens, a half-naked Jimin answers.  Just friends, nothing more.  Dance partners have seen each other in less clothing.

“Taehyung?  What are you doing here?”  He asks with big surprised eyes.

Good to know Jungkook will still do what I ask even if it means not telling his boyfriend stuff.  “I brought YN soup.  She must super sick if she isn’t even able to pick up the phone.”  I say as calmly as I can.  Although there is some tension in the last sentence, I may be a little salty.

“Oh, that’s so nice-”

“Daddyyyy!  Come back to bed!”  YN’s whiney voice comes from inside.

Jimin closes his eyes and lets out an exasperated breath.  Before he can say anything though I turn to leave.  Fuck this.  Just friends my left ass cheek.  No friend calls the other Daddy.  “Wait, Taehyung!”  

I feel him grab my arm, I yank it away, “Don’t touch me.”

“Listen, it’s not what you think-”

“What the fuck else could it be?” I turn back and step close to him as I yell, “ You’re fucking naked, she’s calling you daddy and asking you to come back to bed.  She’s not sick.  She’s fucking around with you.”  I try to walk away again.  I can’t believe this.  Why would she not tell me?  Was she just leading me on?  Oh fuck, does Jungkook know?  Is that why he didn’t answer the question about being mad if Jimin were her daddy?  Are they all in some weird polyamorous thing?  If they were wouldn’t Jungkook be here too?  Jungkook would have told me that, wouldn’t he?  He’s full gay though so I guess not.  Still, is Jimin that good that Jungkook would allow this?  Does he have that much control over my friend?

Jimin grabs my arm again, tighter this time, “You’re wrong.  She is sick.”  He looks as though he’s trying to compose himself, “She has the flu.  She’s a big baby when she’s sick.  I swear.”

“Oh okay.”  I say with fake understanding as I turn to him, “Then why the fuck is she calling you daddy?”  I glare at him.  That’s not just being a baby, that’s being his baby.  “And isn’t that contagious?”

He looks me over for a moment, “It’s complicated.  And not anymore she’s medicated and I got a flu shot so I didn’t catch it.”  He has a calculating look on his face, “Just come with me.”  He pulls me.  When I resist, he glares at me, “Just fucking come on!”  He yanks harder and I follow.  

Once inside he takes the soup from me and puts it on the counter.  I follow him to a door, he stops before opening it and turns to me.  “She’s really sick so try not to stare at her.  And she’s…”  He takes a breath, “You’ll see.”  He opens the door and steps halfway through the door, keeping me shielded from the girl inside.

“Daddy, I’m cold.”  She whines.  My heart aches.  She has the sweetest voice.  The word ‘Daddy’ sounds so good in her voice.  If only that word were directed at me.  A fresh pang of jealousy hits me.

“I know baby, but there’s someone here to see you.”  He says in a soft voice.  A nurturing daddy voice.  

He opens the door so that I can now see into the room.  There on the full-sized bed I see YN.  She is definitely sick.  She looks like she hasn’t slept in days with the dark circles around her eyes and flushed cheeks from her fever.

Her eyes go wide when she sees me, “T-Tae?”  She looks confused.  “W-what are you doing here?”  Her voice isn’t the same as it was when she talked to Jimin, much to my disappointment.

“He brought you soup,”  Jimin informs her as he goes and sits on the bed next to her.  “Are you hungry?  Will you try to eat?”  She looks at him with big eyes and pouty lips and shakes her head.  Melting.  I’m melting.  That was the cutest thing ever.  God, I wish she looked at me like that.  “Well, I need to go to the store baby.  Can Tae-ah stay here with you?”  She shakes her head quickly.  “Babygirl, you’re going to go back to sleep anyway.”

“But I’m cold.”  She whines.  She’s covered in blankets, is wearing a hoodie, and I can’t see her lower half, but I would bet all my money that she’s wearing sweatpants and thick socks as well.  How the hell is she cold?  I know she’s cold natured but damn.

Jimin smiles softly and feels her forehead, “You still have a fever that’s why.  Tae is a good cuddler though.  Kookie told me.  He can keep you warm.”  Jimin looks at me expectantly.  

Why the fuck are he and Jungkook talking about my cuddling skills?  This is really starting to sound like a weird polyamorous thing.  Oh shit, I’m supposed to say something.  I swallow.  I slowly walk over to the other side of the bed and squat down by YN’s face.  “Will you let me keep you warm, little one?”  The words just came out.  It was instinct.  My eyes flicker to Jimin, but he looks happy rather than mad.  Interesting, most daddies are pretty territorial.  I know I am.  If anyone said something like that to my babygirl without my explicit permission, I’d rip them a new asshole.  Then again, I haven’t had a babygirl in years.  

YN stares at me with big eyes for a moment.  She looks at Jimin curls into Jimin, I try not to be disappointed but…

He sighs, “Baby, Daddy needs to go get food.  You need crackers and more soup.  Tae brought a lot but you’ll need more when it runs out.”

“Not hungry.”  She mumbles into his chest.  She’s cute even when she’s bratty.  I prefer this kind of brattiness over the brattiness she shows me when she’s big YN.  She looks so small, curled into Jimin, and Jimin isn’t exactly a big guy.

“Daddy needs food too.  Do you want Daddy to starve?”  He asks a bit dramatically.  

She looks at him with a pout and shakes her head.  

“Well, then I need to go to the store.  Tae-ah will take good care of you, won’t you?”  He looks at me again.

I smile warmly at the small girl who’s clinging to another man, “Yes, I won’t leave your side little one.”  She doesn’t know this, but I mean ever not just until Jimin gets back.  If she’d let me, I’d stay with her forever.  When she looks back at me, she nods slowly.

A huge smile spreads across Jimin’s face, “You’re such a big girl.”  He says in his loving daddy voice then leans down and kisses her face multiple times.  She smiles brightly and giggles.  Even though she’s sick, I can tell how much she loves Jimin.  I want that.  Jimin untangles himself from his babygirl, stands, and looks at me, “She feels cold because of the fever, but to you, she will feel like a furnace.  I would suggest at least taking your shirt off.” He stares at me expectantly.  When I do nothing, he waves a hand at me.  

This is why I am a dom, because I don’t like this, but I roll my eyes and take off my shirt and crawl in the bed with YN.  You know YN?  The girl of my dreams?  Yeah her.  I’m in bed with her.  Strangely, because her daddy told me to.  But let’s ignore that fact.

Jimin smiles.  “I’ll be back soon.  Be a good girl.  Go back to sleep.”  He blows a kiss at her and she eats it.  I want that.

She rolls over to look at me.  Damn, she is so cute like this.  Her hair is all over the place, her cheeks are pink from her fever, her mouth is pouty, her eyes are big.  I open my arms to her and she smiles shyly before moving into them.  “You can watch TV.  I’m sleepy.”  She says in the sweetest baby voice.

My heart might explode.  This is a dream come true.  She nuzzles into my chest.  Holy shit she is like a furnace.  Who the fuck cares though?  Not me.  The girl of my dreams is a little and she’s cuddling with me.  I stroke her hair.  When she falls asleep I sneak a kiss on her forehead, because I am a weak man, and this is all I’ve ever wanted.  The only thing that could make this better is if Jimin just never came back.  I would take over as her daddy and all would be right with the world.  

All was not right with the world though, because he came back and popped my happy bubble.  “We’re not together or anything.”  He says from the doorway, now fully dressed from going out.

I nod but I don’t believe him.  I’m tempted to play with YN’s hair again, but now that Jimin is back, I don’t want to push any boundaries.  I’m lucky enough he’s allowing this at all.

He lets out a breath, “We’ve been best friends since we were little.  Her dad was never around, and her mom died when she was ten, so she came to live with my family after that.  So, growing up we always had each other.”  He looks down at her fondly, “She’s my family.  My parents kicked us out when they found out we were bi.  They were raising us to get married to each other but we both knew that wouldn’t happen.  We love each other, but we’re not in love.  We never were.”  He looks at me now.  “She regresses when she’s anxious or depressed, you know.  And she can’t help it when she’s sick.”

As amazing as all that sounds, there is just one thing that I have to know, “So, it’s not a sex thing?”  I ask.

He takes a breath, “Not right now.”

“So, it is other times?”  I refuse to look at him.

“Are you sure you want to know the answer to that?”  He asks hesitantly.

There’s my answer.  “You know, she asked the same damn thing.  Yes, I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.”  I say a bit too loud and YN whines a little but doesn’t wake up.

“Yes.”  He states.  “But not for a long time.”  My jaw hurts from how tight it’s clenched.  I can’t believe how jealous I am.  “Honestly though, I think it’s time for her to find a new Daddy.”  That grabs my attention.  “I have Kookie now and it’s not fair to him.  This whole week I’ve neglected him, and I feel like shit for it.”  He looks down at YN and runs his fingers through her soft hair, “I just couldn’t leave her.”  He looks sad.

After a beat, he stands.  “Will you wake her up and take her temperature?”  He points at the nightstand where the thermometer is, “I’m going to make her some soup.  Does she feel as hot to the touch?”

I gently touch her cheek, “She warm but not hot.”  Jimin nods and walks out.  I look at the sweet girl in my arms.  “Time to wake up, little one,”  I say softly as I shake her gently.  I would prefer to kiss her awake, but that seems inappropriate.  She burrows deeper into me.  I close my eyes and savor the moment for a second before trying again.  This time her eyes flutter open, “I need to take your temperature, baby.”  She stares at me for a moment then opens her mouth.  So fucking cute!  I place the thermometer in her mouth until it beeps.

“What’s it say?”  Jimin asks as he walks in with a bowl of soup.

“One hundred even,”  I tell him.

He smiles down at YN as he places the soup on the nightstand.  He crawls toward her, “Look at you.  Your fever is down.”  He says in his daddy voice.  Her fever must have been very high if he’s excited about it being one hundred.  She smiles giddily and buries her face in my chest, my heart swells.  “Will you try to eat now?”  She turns to look at him again and thinks for a moment, then nods as she sits up.  I feel cold now that she’s gone, which isn’t surprising because she was so hot that I’m covered in sweat.  I sit up too.  

Jimin hands her the soup.  She just stares at the soup and looks like she wants something.  Jimin chuckles, “Do you want to sit in Daddy’s lap?”  She looks at him and shakes her head.  Jimin raises an eyebrow and looks at me, “Do you want to sit in Tae’s lap?”  She nods her head quickly.  “Well go on.”  He takes the soup from her and she hides her face in her hands.  

“Oh, don’t get all shy on me now, little one,”  I say as I lean over and pull her into my lap.  She giggles as I do so and my heart soars.  

She eats about half of the soup then sits very still.  Jimin looks at her for a moment, “You okay, babygirl?”  She doesn’t move.  “Are you going to throw up.”  She hesitates for a long time before she shakes her head.  “Are you done eating?”  She nods.  “Do you want to lay back down?”  She nods and leans back into me, “Are you sure you’re not going to throw up?”  She hesitates again then nods her head.  

I move so that she and I are both laying down again.  This time we’re spooning and facing Jimin.  She takes Jimin’s hand and closes her eyes.  Jimin gazes at her fondly.  How could he not be in love with her when he looks at her like that?  How could he not be in love with her when she looks at him like that?  I would kill to have her look at me the ways she looks at him.  Jimin taps my arm to pull me out of my thoughts.  He jerks his head toward the door.  She must be asleep.

I follow him out of the room and into the kitchen.  “You hungry?”  he asks me.  “I was going to make something, you’re welcome to stay.”  He is a very kind person.

“Sure.”  I stand in the kitchen awkwardly.

“So, you’re a daddy too?”  He asks.  As if things between us aren’t awkward enough.

“Yeah.”  I rub the back of my neck.

“And you’re interested in YN?”  

I look down, “Yeah.”

He doesn’t say anything, so I look up.  He’s smiling at me, he hums and continues wandering around the kitchen preparing food for us.  “What kind of daddy are you?”

“Uh…” I hesitate.  I never really thought about that. 

He faces me again with a very stern face, “Are you a sadist?”

My eyebrows pull together in confusion.  That’s a very specific question.  “Uh, no.”  He just stares at me with the same stern look.  Seriously, fuck other doms and their bullshit. “I mean I believe in spanking as a punishment.  I don’t necessarily get off from hurting people though.  It’s more of that it gets the other person off, that gets me.  I’ve never really done much more than that by way of pain punishment.”

He stares at me for a moment longer, then nods and smiles again, “Good.  YN isn’t into that stuff.”  He starts chopping vegetables.  “By the way, I’m trained in kendo and judo.”  He glances back at me, “If you hurt her, you’ll have to deal with me.”  He says with a smile.  Not his signature cute smile that I’ve seen before.  No, this is an evil deadly smile.  For someone so small, he can be pretty scary.  The way he is with YN, I definitely don’t doubt he would follow through on his threat.  For some reason, I’m quite glad that he would do anything for YN.  But can I just say, what the fuck is up with these two and their bipolar personalities?

“I would never intentionally hurt her,”  I tell him.

He turns back to his cooking.  “I don’t think you would.”

That was reassuring.  He continued to cook in silence.  When he was finished, we sat in the living room.  We sat in silence as we ate.  It was a comfortable silence.  

When he was finished eating, Jimin sat back and eyed me.  “So, you don’t have anyone at the moment?”

I raised an eyebrow at him, “No.”  He just looks at me expectantly.  He does this a lot.  I let out a breath, “Not for a long time.”  Again, he just looks at me.  He just expects an elaboration.  “Why do you do that?  Just stare and wait for me to elaborate?”

He smiles shyly, “Sorry.  It’s out of habit.”  I stare at him mocking his expectant expression.  He lets out a laugh, “I’ve been in daddy mode for a while now, so I just…”  He waves his hand around.

“But you don’t give YN that look.”

He thinks for a moment, “Hmm, I guess I don’t.”  He laughs quietly to himself.

“She’s special to you,”  I say without thinking.

He smiles the smile that seems to be reserved for YN, “She is.”  He looks at me, “What happened to your other baby…” He looks at me for a moment, “girls?”  He raises an eyebrow.

“Just girls yes.”  I look away from him, “The last one…”  I take a breath, “We didn’t have an exclusive relationship.”  I can feel his glare on me, but I don’t worry about it.  “She left me for another man.  I was too much for her.  I’m a very caring daddy and I am daddy at all times.  I didn’t expect her to be little all the time, but I wanted to always take care of her and I expected her to follow certain rules….”  I swallow thinking about her.  Her long dark hair, her pretty brown eyes.  “She didn’t want that.  It wasn’t like she was just being bratty…” I shake my head, “I like bratty sometimes, it keeps things interesting.  But I was just a good fuck to her and that’s all she really wanted.”  I feel I hand on my shoulder.  When I turn, I see Jimin’s kind eyes and sympathetic smile.  I nod at him.

“Jimin.”  YN’s hoarse voice comes from behind us.  I watch Jimin’s eyes go wide.  We both stand and turn to the girl.  She’s rubbing her eyes.  When she’s done, she looks between the two of us with wide eyes.  “Taehyung?  W-wha-”  

Jimin quickly moves to her.  He stands so that he is shielding her from me.  I can hear him whispering to her.  After a moment he steps back with his hands resting on her neck.  She looks at me with wide, scared eyes.  Then she looks back at Jimin and shakes her head and grabs onto Jimin’s arms.

He lifts her and wraps her legs around his waist.  “Just a sec Tae.  Don’t leave.”  He says without looking at me then disappears into YN’s room.  Weird.  If this turns out to be some weird polyamorous cult, I’m moving to Russia.

They’ve been in there for thirty minutes.  I should probably leave.  This is weird.  What are they doing?  Why are they taking so long?  Are they discussing bringing me into their polyamorous cult?

Then I hear YN scream, “No!”

Jimin runs out of the room, “Tae-”

“No, Jimin, please,”  YN says now following after him.  She coughs.

“YN he’ll be good for you, good to you.”  Jimin turns back to her.  “I’m going to leave you two alone-”

“No!”  she reaches for him, but he pulls away.

“Baby, I can’t…”  he takes a breath.  He looks like he’s in pain.  “I have Kookie now.  It’s so hard with both of you… I just-”

“I’ll be a good girl.  I promise.  I’ll-I’ll stop being needy.  I’ll let you spend more time with Kookie.  Please just don’t leave me.”  She begs.  Leave her?  He plans on leaving her.  This isn’t a polyamorous cult then at least.

“I’m just leaving for now.  I live here, I’m coming back.”  Maybe not.

“You’re forcing me to be with him.  I don’t want him.  I don’t need anyone else.”  Ouch.  That hurts.  I should go.  This is private.  

I slowly inch toward the door, “Don’t fucking leave, Tae!”  Jimin shouts at me in a dominating tone.

I freeze.  

“He’s no Daddy if he listens to you!”  YN shouts.

I turn my head slowly to her; my face must convey my irritation because she cowers slightly.  “You think that because I listen to him that I’m not a daddy?  I listen out of respect.  He is your daddy, I am respecting any boundaries he sets for me concerning you.  Because I would love nothing more than to be near you and you belong to him, so I consider myself lucky that he lets me come close to you.  I’m not going to jeopardize that to prove my dominance.”

She stares at me.  Her face seems to flicker between YN and little YN.  She seems confused.  Like she wants to be mine, to submit to me, but like she’s scared to do it.

“Baby,”  Jimin says gently.  “You do want him.”  she shakes her head at him.  “You chose to sit in his lap over mine.  You were little with him-”

“That wasn’t a dream?”  She says in a small voice.

“Please, give him a chance.”  

She shakes her head, tears fill her eyes.  “I’m sorry.  I’ll be good.  I swear.  Daddy please-”

“No, YN!”  Jimin shouts.  “I am not leaving you.  You are my best friend.  The only family I have.  I will never leave you.  But I need you to try again.  I can’t be your daddy-”

“No!”  YN screams as she begins to sob.

Jimin closes his eyes and steps further away from her.  “He’s a good daddy-”

She shakes her head.  “I don’t care!”

I watch Jimin’s jaw clench.  “He’s not Namjoon!”  he yells.  YN freezes and starts breathing raggedly.  “You didn’t listen to me about him.”  Tears well in Jimin’s eyes, “You didn’t listen, and he hurt you.  Tae is not like that.  Just listen to me, for once in your life!”  He shouts.  Jimin’s words shock me.  He thinks that highly of me.  It’s like he’s trying to give me YN.  They stare at each other for a moment.

YN starts coughing.  Jimin looks strained, then he turns and runs out of the apartment.  “No!”  YN lunges towards him but ends up falling.  I quickly move to her.  “Get away from me.”  I ignore her and wrap my arms around her.  “Stop.”  She struggles against me.  I move to sit and pull her into my lap.  Eventually, she stops resisting and sobs into my chest.

I don’t know what I did in a past life to deserve this but clearly, I did something pretty damn good to have the girl of my dreams just given to me.  Jimin didn’t even say anything to me, he basically just handed her to me.  Granted he handed her to me sobbing for him, but beggars can’t be choosers.  I still think it’s strange that he would do this at all.  He barely knows me and yet he knows that I would be good to her.  It looked like it really hurt him to leave.  He must really trust me if he was willing to do all this.  

YN starts coughing, so I rub her back gently.  “Tae.”  She croaks.  I look down at her.  “Why are you here?”

“I brought you soup.”  That is why I came.  I brought the soup because I’m totally in love with her but that’s weird to say.

She lets out a weak laugh, “Why did you stay?”

Why did I stay?  “I don’t know.”  I shrug, “I wanted to take care of you.  I wanted to be with you.”  I say honestly.

“Why?”  She looks at me with fear in her eyes.

“I don’t know.”  I gaze down at her.  “There’s just something about you.”  I run my thumb along her jawline, “The first time I saw you…”  I smile as I remember, “You were wearing a light blue dress with flowers on it.  You had a flower crown on.  You probably don’t know what I’m talking about because the first time I saw you, I don’t think you saw me.  But you were sitting at the coffee shop.  You were reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, probably for the hundredth time.  A girl tripped and dropped her books and drink and you, without any hesitation, jumped up and helped her.  You just put your book down, without saving your spot and helped her.  I know a reader when I see one and not saving your spot is a big deal.”  I chuckle,  “Don’t think I’m creepy, but I watched you from afar for a long time before I introduced myself.  You were so beautiful and I thought you couldn’t possibly be as kind as you seemed.  I watched you stay after practices and help people with choreo.  I watched you bring tea to your groupmates when you were working on songs and their voices were strained.”  Her eyebrows furrow.  “I’m sorry, that’s weird.  It was just so outrageous to think you could be perfect.”  I Brush her hair away from her face, “You were the sweetest cutest girl I ever saw.”  I breathe a laugh, “That is until I got partnered with you.  I got to see this whole other side of you.  One I assume you reserve for people who are close to you, people you feel really comfortable around.  The snarky, bratty side of you.”  I shake my head and I can’t hold back my smile, “And that made you so much more perfect.  Every time I learn something new about you, you just become more perfect.”

She shakes her head, “I’m not perfect.”  She whispered.

“You are to me,”  I whisper back.  “I won’t hurt you.  I swear, I will never hurt you.”  

Fresh tears fill her eyes.  “What did Jimin tell you?”

“Nothing.”  I shake my head, “He asked me what kind of daddy I was.  He asked if I was a sadist.  And he just told you that I wasn’t Namjoon.  So, I assume all of those things are connected.”  Her lip quivered.   “You don’t have to tell me.”  I cup her cheek.

She swallows and looks deep into my eyes, “If you want me, you have to know.”  She whispers.  She takes a deep breath and looks straight ahead, “Namjoon was the only other daddy that I’ve had.  I found him at some bar.  He was funny and had a dimpled smile.  He was clumsy and sweet.  Everything was great…”  She bites her lip, “He was kinky.”  I can’t help how my grip on her tightens a little.  “He-” Her voice breaks, “He tied me up and blindfolded me, which was fine.”  She pauses for a long time.  She starts to tremble, and I hold her tighter.  “He caned me.”  Her voice is barely above a whisper, “I used the safeword, but he didn’t stop.”  Anger bubbles in me. 

I brush my fingers through her hair.  “Where is he now?”  My voice comes out thick and gravely.

“Don’t worry, Jimin made him suffer.”  She says with an unconvincing smile.

“That’s not what I asked.”  My voice comes out a bit harsher than I intended.

She takes a deep breath, “He transferred to some other school.  I don’t know which one and I don’t care to know.”

“What does he look like?”

“Why do you c-”

“Because I need to know just in case we run into him.”  So, I can kill him.

She shakes her head.

I close my eyes and take a breath, “Sorry.  I just- We’ll discuss it another time.”

She starts coughing.  

“There is something important we need to discuss though,”  I say as I stand, lifting her with me.  I take her to her room.  I set her on her bed and grab the thermometer.  She opens her mouth.  Her temperature is now 102.  I pile blankets on her and climb into the bed with her.  I pull her close so that our noses are almost touching.  “I understand that Jimin is your safe haven.  He’s the only one who has always been there for you.”  I brush my thumb against her cheek, “But would you let me try to be there for you too?”

She looks at me for a long moment.  I think she’s going to say no.  That she’s going to tell me to get out, but she doesn’t.  After a few moments, she smiles softly and hides her face in my chest, “Yes, daddy.”  She says in that sweet voice I thought was only for Jimin.  My heart soars as I pull her closer and kiss the top of her head.

[sometimesrosy]

anonymous said: I get that scene was also a final tribute to Clxa and Lxa apologising and blessing Bellarke. But this has confused and annoyed me for a long time: so Clarke is willing to give up everything including her friends, Bellamy, hundreds of innocents FOR MADI HER CHILD AS A MOTHER WOULD. But she can't destroy the Flame which she knows puts Madi at risk and compromises her childhood, but she then tells Madi that she loved Lxa but that's "nothing compared to how much I love you". It doesn't add up to me.

[this wasn’t on anon but i get the feeling, because of other things, that it was meant to be on anon, so I am taking the name off. if you prefer to speak under your own name, sorry. but i thought it’d be better to be safe than sorry.]

One of the things you have to do when you come upon a story point that doesn’t seem to make sense, is to first look at what you think is happening, and WHY it doesn’t make sense, doesn’t fit.

Okay so for Clarke, Madi > Bellamy > Humanity > Sky Crew > Lxa. These are the choices she has made. But then you have a problem because it comes back around to FlameLxa > Madi... And then she sends FlameLxa AND Madi into battle to save Bellamy, so it’s back to Bellamy > FlameLxa-Madi. So it gets really confusing and seems to contradict what she’s done so far.

I’m not sure it does, though. I think it’s a complication. So I think we have to look DEEPER into the events and motivations to understand WHY Clarke acted the way she did. I actually don’t find it OOC, but she also behaves differently towards different people, and in different situations. And also, depending upon how mentally stable she is, she makes different choices. ALSO what philosophy she’s following. That might be an important detail, actually.

And there are a few things to consider. The first thing to consider is that Clarke can’t do it HERSELF. She killed Finn, even though it wasn’t her fault, and was the best choice, and it ruined her. She could NOT physically kill Lxa although she had the chance, but she COULD choose her people over Lxa and let that play out into her death, which is what happened. But she couldn’t destroy the flame with Lxa in it, which we saw, I think like three times?  She COULDN’T shoot Bellamy herself, actually she couldn’t let Roan kill him either, but she COULD leave him to die at his sister’s hands. So this is not a simple question either. Not just a matter of doing it herself vs letting someone else do it. 

All right. Another thing to consider. Who Clarke is DEVELOPS over time. The Clarke from season 1 wouldn’t do these things. She killed Finn in season 2 and it damaged her. She turned to Lxa for advice on how to handle that and Lxa told her that love was a weakness, something that, despite not liking it, she has continued to follow except for with ONE person-- Bellamy, all the way through season 4. After six years alone, when she reunites with Bellamy, she’s off kilter and doesn’t really know what is going on, but now she’s got TWO people, Madi and Bellamy. She discovers that Octavia is a tyrant, Wonkru is a horror, Bellamy has a girlfriend, and she pulls back from everyone but Madi, still considering Bellamy, but not quite at the same level as she used to. Madi came first. When Bellamy risked Madi’s life, as she saw it, Clarke no longer believed that Bellamy was her person. He fell off of her people list, along with everyone else she had lost. Thus. She left him behind to die. Clarke’s DEVELOPMENT is BACKWARDS. This is called a regression and is not the same thing as being OOC. It is the pain of the past rising up to take the character over.

Now on THIS show, that gives the characters a chance to reconsider their choices and make new decisions and change and grow. The way the characters GROW is really important on this show and should never be underestimated. Some people might think a character growing in canonically developed way is out of character, but it is not. It is character development. A story is ABOUT change. Whether the character acts on the world to change it or the world acts on the character to change them. 

I think what we have in THIS story is that every season, the world acts on the characters to change them, resulting in characters who succeed or fail depending upon their story. BUT the long term story is how the characters, mainly Clarke and Bellamy, but also the rest of the 100, act on the world and begin to change The WORLD. You can see how Clarke has changed the world by what she has done to save people. In season 5, you can see how Clarke has acted upon BELLAMY to make him the man he is today, and THEN see how Bellamy acts upon the WORLD, to change the situation so that they do not repeat the same mistakes.

Okay. So. If you look at specifically Clarke and Bellamy’s character development over the course of 5 seasons, you can see that they act upon EACH OTHER to change each other. When Bellamy falters, Clarke is there to lead him on. When Clarke falters, as she is NOW in season 5, Bellamy is there to urge her forward. 

Clarke and Bellamy have been separated for 6 years, but they are still acting upon each other. Clarke’s memory has given Bellamy a vision for the future and a will to do better. He has therefore become season 1 Clarke in her place has Hero and Golden Prince of the story. While CLARKE has depended upon Bellamy’s memory/calls to SURVIVE, to give her strength to carry on. She becomes the caretaker, of Madi, like Octavia for Bellamy, in whose defense she will abandon everyone. Season 1 Bellamy. But they have not switched selves. They are still in there. They don’t need to learn the old lessons again. They need to REMEMBER.

What does this have to do with the seeming contradiction of Clarke’s priorities?

1. Clarke’s priorities have CHANGED. 2. They have changed because she’s internalized what Bellamy has taught her which has not all been good. 3. They have changed because she internalized what LXA taught her. Again. Not all of it good. But she depends on it because it allows her choices to be acceptable to her, instead of killing her soul. 4. They have changed because her world contracted down to one person. 5. They have changed because Bellamy betrayed her and broke her heart... not just because he put the flame in madi, but because he moved on and was not hers and did not love her like her fantasy and was not her family, and perhaps on an irrational level, because HE LEFT HER BEHIND. She responds from a broken heart, not from her reason. She was all heart, not head. 

You know, even if we don’t take into consideration her shifted priorities, which DO seem to be in conflict and constantly changing, I think I just want to bring up another sequence of scenes that might actually have something to do with this. Just occurred to me because i just reblogged the gif. BUT.

Season 2. After killing Finn and Bellamy wants to risk his life to go into MW, and Clarke says NO because she can’t lose him too. AND YET, by the end of the episode, she’s telling him this mission is worth the risk of his life.

So HE’S seeing Clarke not care about Bellamy’s life, considering him to be a low priority, right?  BUT WE KNOW WHY SHE SAID THAT. It’s because she asked Lxa how to deal with the pain of losing the person she loved, and and Lxa told her to give up all love because love was a weakness. What does Clarke say? “I was being weak. It’s worth the risk.”  Love=weakness. She was being weak=her motivation for keeping him safe was love. She didn’t STOP valuing him or loving him. She pushed away feelings of love in order to not be weak in order to lead.

Okay. So let’s go back to this season where Clarke’s position on sacrificing Bellamy seems to place him as less important than Madi and the flame where in a minute she’ll send Madi into danger with the flame in her head. To the person who wants to control them both. hmm. And war. With bombs.

Clarke thinks Bellamy is dead, and she’s pushed away all softer emotions, including even love for Madi, as she turns to more and more extreme measures to keep her “safe,” torture, confinement, kidnapping. (wow that’s almost like what Lxa did to her.) Why? Because love is a weakness and she has to protect her people, who is just one person now. As Echo pointed out. When she finds out that Bellamy is alive, though, things start to change. She is visibly affected and admits to always caring about Bellamy. When Madi gets involved, then we start getting into the meat of the issue. Because she returns to the person who told her the first time that love was a weakness. FlameLxa tells her that she was wrong. Love is NOT a weakness. And betraying her at MW was her biggest regret in life. (aside from being a terrible political decision, what matters to her is betraying CLARKE who we know is her true love.) And FlameLxa brings it DIRECTLY back to Bellamy, who is the subject of conversation. And FlameLxa TELLS her NOT to do the same thing she did to Clarke. 

THIS is a reversal of s2. Rather than dealing with Finn’s death at her hands, she discovers Bellamy did not die at her hands. Lxa/FlameLxa’s advice is THE REVERSE. Rather than telling her love is a weakness, she tells her love is NOT a weakness. This goes back to one of her most damaging periods in her life and she is told that the path she took to deal with it was the wrong path. She is told this by the person who told her to take this path, and then continued to hurt her for two half seasons. It was both an apology and an acknowledgement that what she did was unjust and wrong. And THUS, Clarke is able to turn on a dime and reverse her decision. She got closure. 

Love is a weakness, sacrifice Bellarmy. Bellamy’s not dead-- love is NOT a weakness -- SAVE Bellamy. Reversal. Fixing the choices that caused the damage last time.

But what about this love thing. Loving Lxa, Loving Madi. Loving Bellamy. This quantitative I will save you over the other because I love you more. Okay so that’s been my simple equation, but I don’t think it’s the only way to look at things. Because there are other things in play. Like Bellamy poisoned Octavia specifically for Clarke, but it was a head decision because doing so also saved Clarke, Madi, Wonkru, his family and Eden. So his love for Clarke was canonically why he did it, but his reasons were many.

I mean, my biggest problem with thinking putting the flame into Madi’s head is equivalent to throwing Bellamy into the fighting pit is that putting the flame into Madi’s head doesn’t kill her. While in some way things could get more dangerous, I think she gets more protections from having the flame. Clarke’s feeling that taking the flame leads to death is not really exactly true. I mean other than being a warrior and a leader risks your life. Which was happening ANYWAY. YES it would have been safer to stay in eden and never get involved, but it’s too late anyway and Madi was made Octavia’s second (her second was the first to die in the battle in the gorge btw, indicating that position was NOT more safe than being commander.) Clarke DECIDED that the flame was worse than death. But it isn’t really. I HONESTLY believe that Clarke’s reasoning was compromised by fear and by a broken heart. When Bellamy saved everyone by having Madi take the flame, she took it as the last straw in a betrayal that (I think) started when he left her behind to die on earth, forgot about her and fell in love with Echo, and THEN made the choice she was against because of her fear and loss and pain. 

But all the fans are acting as if the Flame is actually as bad for Madi as Clarke thinks it is. I just don’t see it that way and neither does Bellamy. He recognizes the risk, but is doing his best to minimize her risks and care for her and protect her, as a freaking FATHER would. And he did it so he AND madi could save Clarke. It was his plan, but Madi consented. She wanted to save Clarke AND she wanted to save her people. 

Here’s a reason for why Clarke reversed her decision about Madi, the flame, and Bellamy. Because once she was out of her emotional reaction and fear of her trauma happening all over again, she realized she had made a mistake leaving Bellamy to die, betraying Wonkru, and keeping Madi from being Commander. She realized that while love was NOT a weakness, and she COULD protect the people she loved, it was not THE ONLY consideration. 

When she allowed that Madi could be protected while she was Commander, and that Madi’s choice should have a part to play, and that she could save wonkru, Raven and Bellamy, she let go of all the fear and did what she had to do. Which, maybe, was to TRUST the people she loved? That includes Madi AND Bellamy. OH. And Raven, because the only way they could take down McCreary was the unspoken trust between Clarke and Raven. Oh. interesting. 

Anyway. I am not really bothered by the seeming contradictions in Clarke’s reversal of decisions and her love for people and seeming priorities. Because that scene is the confluence of MULTIPLE storylines and character arcs. A LOT of stuff goes into it. I mean, I just gave you a half dozen reasons why what happened might have made sense and I actually think any of them could work or all of them. I also don’t think that love is really that simple. You can love more than one person and love them in different ways and you can make mistakes and do things you regret and you can change your mind. Oh. And you can save you can save today. And Clarke said. Go. Save. Him.