#as someone who hates talking abt themselves this is. painful

[urmomschocolatemilk]

➜ Simon Riley x gn!reader

➜ 990 words, breakup angst

➜ finished an old piece real quick, it is very unedited but lets not talk abt that! Also unrelated but does anyone else feel like music videos have died...idek if that makes sense.

You wanted to erase him from your mind. Make it as if he’d never existed and spare yourself the heart renching pain that burned your chest as you stared up at the ceiling blankly. The little memory’s of the two of you seemed to project themselves onto the dimly lit white plaster. Each one flashed in your mind like a slideshow. It felt as if someone was reaching into your chest and crushing your heart in their hand with each scene.  

This feeling of heartbreak was foreign to you, you’d never been so devastated over a breakup. So what made him so different?  

You didn’t know how to deal with this nauseating, gut renching pain that seemed to explode from every inch of your body. Your face was swollen from crying, eyes blood shot as they stung with fresh tears. Your body trembled in exhaustion, heavy sobs turning into pathetic whimpers.  

Your hands came up to cover your face as the tremors in your body amplified as another wave of grief hit you. 

He was only one person who could quell the pain you felt, but he was also the cause of it. All you needed was to hear his voice. That alone would be enough to soothe your broken heart. You were sure it wasn’t appropriate to call him. You knew very well it wasn’t. No one calls their ex. 

But your hand seemed to have a mind of its own though, leaving your face to rummage around your nightstand table. You barely heard the loud clatter through your cries as you pushed various items off your nightstand in a desperate search for your phone. Your fingers grazed over it shortly after pushing one of your perfume bottles over, and you greedily grabbed at it, renching it off the charging cord to unlock it.  

You have to squint against the harsh glare of the blue light, your tears obscuring the images displayed as you swiped onto his contact. You’d never hit call so fast in your life, clutching your phone like a life line as your mind begged him to pick up. You knew he wasn’t asleep, he rarely slept much to start with, and when he did he’d doze of around two or three am, never earlier. It was still only twelve.  

Time seemed to stretch on excruciatingly slowly with every ring, your whimpers becoming desperate and the tears flowing faster.  

Finally, after what felt like an eternity the ringing stopped abruptly and your phone beeped to signal he’d picked up. Your raw sob was ripped from you as you heard his gruff voice filter through the speaker.  

“Hello?” He sounded groggy; voice laced in exhaustion, but you couldn’t care.  

“Simon,” you choked out, your chest heaved, relief washing over you at the sound of his voice. 

From the other side of the phone his eyes widened, all hints of exhaustion leaving him in an instant. He sat up, fully alert now.   

“Y/n?” He asked incredulously. You replied with another sob, this one much louder than the last. He was frozen, unsure of what to do as you cried, it hurt him to know he was the cause of your pain but the rational part of him knew you were better off without him. The sounds of your cries tore him apart, and your next words hurt even more.  

“It hurts so much Simon,” You cried, “and it’s all your fault. I hate you so much.”  

“I know love...” he whispered, speaking more to himself than you as hiccups began to break your pained wails. “It’s for the better though.”  

There's a pause of wordless silence, only filled with the sound of your tears. His heart thumps in pain, spreading the poison of guilt through his body, pumping it into his veins. It’s as if you’re trying to make him feel worse about this than he already does as you try to gather enough strength to speak through your sobs and translate the garbled screams of thought going off in your head.  

“No-” hiccup. “No Simon, you don’t get to say that-” hiccup. “Because there is nothing better about this,” you don’t have to specify what ‘this’ is. He knows exactly what you mean because he feels it to. He hears it with every sob, and cry, he feels it with every pang of his heart and word spoken to you under such circumstance. Circumstances he caused.  

You continue, “and you can sit there, in your stupid plain apartment, and go out with your stupid friends and you can pretend that the last year meant absolutely nothing to you but I know that at the end of the day, when your lying in bed waiting to fall asleep in a cold, empty bed, it hurts you just as much is it hurts me.”  

Simon doesn’t cry, you’d never seen a single tear even build in his eyes. You’d even used to joke about how there was no heart under all that military gear, but at this moment he feel his eyes sting with the foreign feeling of tears, and his throat tightens. He swallows heavily at your words, blinking rapidly.  

“Why’d you call me sweetheart?” You’d say the nickname makes you sob even harder, but you're not sure that’s possible. You’re too hurt to lie to him.  

“B-because I needed you Simon,” you want to scream at yourself.  

“Even though I’m the one who hurt you?” he questions idly, throwing the covers off himself and rushing to grab his car keys. A half laugh leaves you and it almost brings him to smile, but its quickly followed by another sob.  

“Even though you’re the one who hurt me,” you repeat back to him in confirmation, and for some odd reason he feels his heart swell with love. He slips on his shoes quickly, and opens the door, you can hear it creek on the other side of the line.  

“I’m on my way sweetheart.” 

[mondothebombo]

Mondo 👉👈 could you explain all the ways you connect the song Home to Wytyaa?…. Like Important Lyrics. I have been listening to it a lot and I need to know for reasons. :)

oli you have no idea how long i’ve been waiting for someone to ask this. all the lyrics are technically important, and i may or may not have storyboarded scenes to this song in my head lmaooo. i’ve been wanting to talk abt this for SO FUCKING LONG so here we go!!!

Often I am upset that I cannot fall in love but I guess

This avoids the stress of falling out of it

jay doubting whether nya actually wants to be with him or if she’s just pitying him, when he wakes up from passing out in chap 6

Are you tired of me yet?

I'm a little sick right now but I swear

When I'm ready I will fly us out of here

this is jay noticing the others are getting worried and him sitting with all his bad thoughts, also as him talking to nya, kinda like “once i get my shit together and get over this, i’ll make things better”

I'll cut my hair

To make you stare

jay and nya both subtly subconsciously changing their appearances to separate themselves from what happened

I'll hide my chest

And I'll figure out a way to get us out of here

jay hiding his scars and trying to ignore everything for nya’s sake, intending to keep his promise of fixing his mistakes

Turn off your porcelain face

jays facade dropping and the others getting progressively more worried

I can't really think right now in this place

cole confronting jay abt his scars and jay getting overstimulated he lashes out

There's too many colors enough to drive all of us insane

jay freaking out when he gets high from the pain meds and yelling at kai for touching him the day after alec breaks his wrist

Are you dead?

jay seeing nya’s dead body when he looks at her

Sometimes I think I'm dead

jay/nya feeling the phantom pains

'Cause I can feel ghosts and ghouls wrapping my head

jay hearing nadakhan’s and the pirates voices in his head

But I don't wanna fall asleep just yet

jay having that dream

My eyes went dark

nya finding out abt the SA

I don't know where

My pupils are

jay looking in the mirror and hating his eye/scars

But I'll figure out a way to get us out of here

again, jay trying to be ok for nya

Get a load of this monster

He doesn't know how to communicate

this is most definitely jay thinking his friends hate him while he’s alone on the ship

His mind is in a different place

jay spacing out during scrap n tap, thinking of how the others see him

Will everybody please give him a little bit of space

transition back to him training with lloyd the day after he resets time and freaking out, accidentally hurting lloyd in the process

Get a load of this train-wreck

His hair's a mess and he doesn't know who he is yet

this is him stuck in the memories and believing everything nadakhan and the pirates said abt him, hallucinating and seeing nadakhan at random times

But little do we know, the stars

Welcome him with open arms

slowly fades to the present, where the others keep trying to prove they love him

Time is

nya and jay having the conversation where she talks abt the extent of her trauma

Slowly

jay and nya laughing together while lightly training in the middle of the night

Tracing his face

their talk w wu when he says he’s proud of them

But strangely he feels at home in this place

and finally, the last scene of chapter 7, where jay and nya come and sit with the others after their talk w wu, and jay finally cries with relief as he cuddles w the others

i hope i explained this well enough, please feel free to ask me if anything needs clarification :D

[yellowymellon]

SO UM I GOT A THEORY ABT LUOCHA (Dk if anyone talked Abt this but tis just for fun 👁️)

When Jing yuan called luocha an abundance abominations I gasped, it was like a grand reveal, but after I calmed down I thought...what if that's his way to insult luocha? Maybe it's just a derogatory term...

And now I have a silly theory ;3

I'm proud to say since I reject to acknowledge the Otto in luocha from day one I've always noticed that aside from the fact he's an Otto expy he looks like yaoshi a lot.

He said he's a "doctor" but we all clearly saw that he has straight up healing abilities. Mind you that his 'healing' is a broad term, he could even fix xueyi who isnt made of flesh, and to that Dan Heng understood right away that that was a blessing of the abundance.

So that made me think about Jing yuan's words...it makes sense for luocha to be blessed by yaoshi but what if he actually is their emanator.

I don't think everyone who is blessed by yaoshi would get called by Jing yuan an abomination even degradingly, and it seems he knows something Abt luocha we don't (nothing unusual Abt Jing yuan lol)

No matter how luocha's attitude is to yaoshi, they are still an aeon who pities and 'loves' creation. They hate pain and hurt and generally answer prayers.

So with that in mind, the fact that luocha is an Otto face but not quite, it could be that he either at some point prayed for yaoshi or that yaoshi took pity on his suffering aka the loss of someone dear to him who might or might not be the coffin person. It also could be that yaoshi just created him as a pure abomination! Maybe specifically to become an emanator.

I mean bro got the abyss flower how do u explain that in HSR? 😭

Also a very sus interaction imo is when putting luocha and blade in a team, he tells blade (I don't remember his exact words but) that he regrettably can't help him with his immortality thingy. And I always bully him (affectionately ofc-) and say nobody asked!

BUT THAT'S THE SUS !

Why would luocha assume, or think he has the powers to reverse or break the blessing/curse of an aeon??

It's the going out of dev's way to have an interaction between luocha and blade when they should've never met even if they know about eachother (elio knowing the real culprit and luocha knowing the stellaron hunters are in the luofu for example)

He's also very fixated on how death can be overcomed, not in an Otto obsessed way, but kinda in a certain sure way, like he knows it can happen. How?? 🤨 I'm sure yaoshi themselves can't 🤨🤨

In conclusion

There isn't much to back this 'theory' so it's just for fun, I also believed his powers come from the coffin mostly. His ult is the coffin... doing stuff and whatever is inside is probably an abundance abomination as well (you could see the thorns in his animated light cone).

Also off topic kinda- but I don't believe it's kallen tbh. They have a somewhat bittersweet antagonist relationship where they use eachother for their end goals and they seem to be wary of eachother. So if a kallen exists Id like to think she's dead, and his journey is to revive her. Which would be another Otto story I refuse to have HOYO ISTG

[thevirgodoll]

Hi there is a girl in my class I have a long history with and it ain't good She was always rude to me she backbitched me infront of me too i saw her whispering into a girls ear about they could see my bra strap idk why I even invited her to my birthday party

She became my temporary friend when she was lonely but I was aware of her intentions uk but I ws still frnds w her ..when I had fight w ex best frnd she replaced me w this girl now this girl & ex best frnd bully me they laugh at me the friend even twisted d story to make me sound like bad person people believe her

A guy I never had Beef including this girl they laugh at me making me feel awful abt myself I also came to know dar some gurls hate me in reality I never even talked to them properly Im so tired of always being picked on or laughed at or dealing w rude people deep inside I want my bullies 2 like me & stop i don't want 2 b d girl who has no frnds always get picked on can uu pls advice me on this ? Idk what to do

When is your birthday party? You still have time to uninvite her.

Bullying is not okay and it's so cowardly. I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this. One thing to remember is that there will be other friends. Where one is fake, another one will do anything for you and be unwavering and loyal through thick and thin. To find that sister, though, you have to let go of this girl. I know it hurts, but she was never your friend.

Some girls hate you, but so? I know that sounds crazy, but the thing I had to learn was that there will always be haters because they are insecure. And, unfortunately, there will always be wolves in sheep's clothing because some individuals don't have the gall to be real friends and stand on authenticity. They see you're genuine and purehearted and want to drain your energy to give themselves what they lack.

You need to cut her off. Block on social media, delete the number, get rid of anything that is connected with this individual. If you aren't ready to block, then at least mute. You don't need to constantly think about her and her new friend. I guarantee you she will do the same to her. You dodged a bullet.

But ultimately, you need to work on your self concept. Who told you that you need attention from them? And if you have no friends because you're getting rid of someone toxic, so what? You'll have yourself. And in order to feel okay again, you have to know yourself. That's something no bully can take away from you.

Your birthday is coming. Use that to ask yourself, "who am I? What do I enjoy? What are my insecurities and why does this bother me?" Painful questions, but you have to address what's inside to fix your outside noise.

What I recommend is self introspection, accountability, and setting crucial boundaries with yourself and others.

You are more loved, more blessed, and more wonderfully made than you think. They know that, that's why they're bullying you. Do you know it, though?

[compassionatereminders]

hi it’s the lonely anon that was expressing frustration abt how i react when my partner responds to me being upset;

to the people who commented on it i just wanted to say he’s not like that about everything. it’s right that using my own name as a way to identify a ‘negative’ trait is unkind and unfair to me. i’m gonna talk to him about that in depth— thank you to the person who’d mentioned that! i never could identify why it felt so upsetting or made me feel like such a child.

he really is a lovely wonderful person who’s made me feel beautiful & who’s been my safe place through a lot. he thinks im awesome, and beautiful, and smart as hell. almost every morning he makes me breakfast and every time i am being quiet or sad he’ll spin me around until i laugh. every time i get dressed he says “wow!” like it’s the first time he’s ever seen me. he’s a big reason why i have finally been able to admit that i am smart, and why i’m doing so much better.

we’ve been together almost 3 years and he’s expressed that he’s exhausted and hurt by how much i hate on myself. hearing the person you love constantly talk shit about themselves is heartbreaking and hard to deal with. i think part of this loop and why he can’t empathize any more is because i am so quick to assign myself the blame for every bad thing. i can’t expect anyone to not be exhausted from hearing me describe myself so poorly when to them i’m nothing like that. i’m trying to become better, but it’s still really difficult to love myself on my own.

empathy is a skill that’s sorely under taught, and he’s working on it as much as i’m working on my anxiety and negativity with it. we’ve come a long way together, but our lives were very different! it’s okay that things sometimes don’t mesh. not saying it’s ok to make your partner feel dismissed or unheard or turn their name into something negative, but everything’s multifaceted. i love him so fucking much.

i just needed to get my side of it out because it’s still hard and i’ve been holding onto it for so long that i just wanted someone to say i’m not crazy to feel this way. there’s always a bigger picture, and i’m thankful for different perspectives! i still maintain how i felt, but i can recognize my part in it too.

thank you for being so kind kat. i really hope i can see things the way you do & again thank you for hosting this blog. it’s so important to me and i’m sure a lot of other people too. <3

I am really happy and relieved to hear that there are also a lot of positive aspects to this relationship, and being frustrated with a partners self hatred isn't inherently toxic. But once it moves from communicating needs and boundaries to refusing to engage with your partners emotional struggles at all, then that's something which should be worked on. And part of that work is on you, if you do have a pattern of self hatred and irrational paranoia which is hurting your loved ones. But you having mental health struggles which are hard for him to deal with does not mean that he gets to dismiss your pain and emotions. Like you gotta look for a middle ground where both of you are working to find ways to make this situation more manageable for both of you

[justablah56]

you guys can all blame my dear mutuals @babacontainsmultitudes and @serikyl for me talking abt glark again , I'm sure it will happen again <3

ahh ok , so to start by saying those are the two most fucked up guys I've ever seen , so bad for each other , awful , horrid , and so so interesting and devastating to think abt . one thing I bring up a just abt every time I talk about them is I think theyre both only willing to accept "help" from each other . like . both of them just want to feel guilty about what they've done and they don't *want* forgiveness , they want someone who will listen to all their bullshit say yeah you're pretty fucked up , wanna make out ? grant tells lark about the thrill he feels when killing someone or something and that he doesn't *really* want to stop . lark tells grant about how he ended the world and that he's the reason all this fucked up shit is happening . they don't talk about it . they're each other's rant journals . they don't have to write anything down and hope no one finds it , theyre not each other's therapist who will try to help them work it out , they'll just take in all their hatred and lay it out so the other can see . they expose the darkest sides of themselves to each other because they know the other hates themselves just as much as they do . they know that neither of them think they *deserve* to feel better , but at least they can be fucked up together . they're each other's safe place , in a way . they both see enough of themselves in each other that they can hate each other a bit , but also still see enough of the other to care . they both know this . one of em says well I'm fucked up and the other says yeah then what does that make me and they don't respond and fall asleep next to each other on a couch . they help each other in the sense that they feel safe knowing that the other won't try to help . because at least they're telling *someone* . at least there's *someone* who will agree and say wow you're fucked up and that can be the end of the conversation . they hurt each other and take out at least some of the anger they have towards themselves and hurl it at the other . and they take it . they both know what they're doing . they know they don't *really* mean all the hate they say to each other . but it's enough that maybe then they can justify hating themselves . or maybe , just maybe , it's enough that they can't . maybe they'll hear the words coming out of their mouths and realize huh that doesn't really make much sense . but they don't . they'll continue to hate each other out of love , but the moment they realize that's what it is it'll stop . so they just won't think about what they have . they'll just remain each other's journals and keep each other's secrets about the pain they wish they had and if anything resembling actual care or softness or gentleness they're quick to stop it before they begin to *need* it . because if someone who knows every fucked up thing about them and decided to stay out of *love* they'd have to accept that maybe they're still able to be saved . but they don't want that .

[borom1r]

THANK @theshakespearetrash FOR MORR QUESTIONS IMMMMMNNN VERY HIGH ive never RPed as John Marlott but ive written 2 fics for him tht counts right? right

(ask meme)

1. Is your muse afraid of death?

he wants to die so bad. + then he does and his family is gone AND his rest is stolen from him 💔 so no. but it’s very sad

2. What is your muse’s kill count? 

huh. that’s a good question actually. I think.. huh. not many? Hervey’s henchdude in s1 and i think someone else?? im very high rn he killed the one dude in s2 to escape the asylum n there’s a lotta death that follows him but like 2? 3? ppl HE kills on screen.

ofc that’s not touchin on the war/anything pre-canon in his work. + he blames himself for the death of his wife and child so those Could be counted

3. What is your muse’s biggest fear? 

everyone he loves dying. + hey guess what happens in canon!!

4. How easy is it to anger your muse?

not very. he knows the dance of Polite Society Manners and can keep his composure. he might be stern but it’s rare that he Actually gets angry. until his sanity starts slipping but u know that’s beyond his fuckin control

5. What is your muse’s biggest regret? 

everything tht happened w his wife n child

6. Does your muse believe in an afterlife? 

LOL yea but he doesn’t get to go thereeeeee

7. How many scars does your muse have?

HM. many. lots on his back n obvs the scars from Hervey. bet he has quite a few more tho

8. Does your muse tend to bottle things up?

yes but not.. mm, not consciously i think. he’s just so used to isolation that i don’t think he even Fathoms opening up to someone as a possibility

9. What is one thing that would break your muse?

HRM. well. Flora’s death does, one could argue. at least it starts the steep downward spiral into his rebirth and further decline following his institutionalization

10. Does your muse have nightmares? What about?

obviously yea + im fucking insane abt him. barking like a dog @ Sean Bean fucking gutting himself with fabric shears

11. Would your muse kill for someone they care about? 

oh yea ofc he would. of course he would.

12. What was the worst injury your muse has received?

does it count as an injury if it happened postmortem? i think the psychological trauma caused by it means it counts. the surgical wounds from Hervey

13. How much pain can your muse withstand? For how long? 

s1? a fair amount of pain for quite a long time. s2? the man’s a corpse. he got coffin shrapnel in his side and fuckin walked home. he’s fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine he’s fine don’t ask

14. What was the most traumatic moment in your muse’s life?

Hervey’s bullshit forever. hate that man hitting him w bricks unironically

15. How often does your muse cry? Do they view it as weakness?

RARELY + feel like he’s probably neutral abt it conceptually he’s just so used to being completely alone. i think emotions are kind of just a numb ache for him for a while. + then of course he bonds w Flora and Nightingale and then Everything Goes To Hell And Crashes And Burns

16. If your muse could talk to one person they’ve lost, who would it be? 

HM. his wife i think. bc he at least got the closure of seein Flora + Nightingale reunited. but he never got to see his wife even Before his rebirth

17. Does your muse consider themselves a good person? Why or why not? 

HRM. s1? no i think he’s neutral to himself at BEST. s2……….. nooooooooo but also yes kind of i think Esther really helps him see the good in himself. so by the end of s2 Yes but only then

18. Does your muse think they’re capable of changing? Do they even want to?

OH. very good question. does he? i think he feels like he Has to believe in change bc Esther and Flora and Nightingale did ultimately play a role in changing him for the better. and Hervey changed him for the worse. but also these r all external forces effecting him not like. himself. can he? I don’t think so. I think if he thought abt it he’d think that he himself is stagnant. it’s like pond ripples. if you lob a rock into water there’s already rocks in the bottom of that bitch so the only real change is surface distortion and a little more weight. and ultimately the ripples stop and the water settles. maybe it’s cloudier bc sediment got stirred up. maybe it’s clear, who knows. Still just a fuckin lake. does that make sense? idk man I cried in a theater today + toook too many edibles he’s himself. that’s an answer

[japepperony]

See no one talks abt it so I keep it to myself but I have to tell y’all about this.

Once upon a time has been my favorite shown since I was five years old and that’s something that’s never changed. And there’s so many things they’ve missed in the show or they had and did badly with (season 7) and some of it is talked about and some isn’t.

So firstly. Can we please talk about how Regina didn’t love Robin at all. I feel like (as much as I love that show) they’re so based on one thing. “You can only have one truly” and I think that’s utter bullshit. Now listen I know it’s a fictional show. But Regina barely knew shit about him. She just yearned to be loved SOOOO much. She settled for the first person to except her. And it’s the same person, that ignored her dark side. And I’m 100% the kind of person who thinks. You can’t love someone without loving them wholly. And I don’t think he did that. He literally left her the minute his wife got back talking abt some fucking “I made a pack” oh shut up you shit head.

Secondly. I think they had so much potential with Zelena and Emma. And you’re probably like… bitch what? IM TALKING ABOUT FRIENDSHIP! I feel like zelena would definitely make a group chat and name it “coven sisters” with Emma and Regina. I think Emma and Zelena has sooo much in common. They would be really quick friends. And see each other as sisters. And maybe even best friends eventually.

Wtf was that aging shit. The seventh season was so confusing. I mean we got so many characters we DESERVED. But it was so fucking confusing. There’s so many doppelgängers and everyone is DEFINITELY related to everyone. And this is suppose to be a whole other universe but y’all saying when Regina was the evil queen she was with dr.faciler. Idk how to spell homeboy name. All I know. Is they wanted money. And that wasn’t the way to get it.

And lastly Emma is the fucking savior. STOP MAKING HER SUFFER. Im so tired of Regina this regina that. Who’s the main character? WHO IS IT? Also. She wasn’t in the last season. What were you trying to accomplish by NOT putting her in there?! Also the truama she has. The pain she has. Emma has had red in her eye-line from season four to season SEVEN. That girl is in pain. Unspeakable pain. And no one talks about. They say she got her happily ever after but home girl still suffering. Also that girl ain’t love hook. This is not some swanqueen agenda. This is me giving it to you straight. Hook said he HATED her. Even as dark ones. Emma still loved him. And Henry. Rumple still loved Neal. SO MUCH HE CASTED A CURSE FOR HIM. Even as a dark one they still were able to love the ones they love most. And shit LOVE THEM EVEN MORE. That’s how the dagger did it. Show you what you desire and STRIP IT FROM YOU. Hook ain’t love shit. NOTHING. NOT A DAMN THING. I think it was something they fed to themselves. They both desired to be loved. Him not wanting to me alone. And her simply because she’s the product of true love. She thinks she NEEDS it. She HAS to have it. And honestly I think she’s better alone.

Anyways… rant over. It’s 7:24 am. I haven’t been sleep. Goodbye children.

[donnerpartyofone]

man i hope this isnt weird and i know its a little weird but ive followed you for a while and feel a deep kindred spirit with you. i know its only parasocial and we arent mutuals so its all good but like some of the things you post resonate with me so deeply and you articulate things abt yourself that i also feel abt my self but you articulate them better than i ever could. also we have very similar hair but i usually weird mine buzzed but when it grows out it looks a lot like yours and you rock it in ways i never feel confident enough to do. idk i just saw your post abt being a bad person but not in the ways ppl think you are and thats like something i think to myself all the time like i wish ppl who think im good knew i was bad and ppl who think im bad knew how wrong they were abt the ways im bad. and things youve posted abt being a stupid person and having ppl be like "youre not" resonate too bcuz its like im painfully PAINfully aware of my own stupidity and bumbling thru like but my loved ones dont want me to think that way or acknowledge it but i think there is something truly liberating in knowing i am inherently dumb in a lot of ways and to a lot of things and i have to work harder to live a good life bcuz of it. idk. im doing a bad job of explaining myself here. but anyways. i just wanna say thanks for putting your thoughts on this website for me to follow and keep doing you, bcuz youre doing it great.

Well I hope it's not weird for me to post this, I suppose it is anonymous after all; it feels kind of private to me but also I am also having a freakishly difficult couple of weeks and it was meaningful to hear someone say "I know what you're talking about." (I think you are speaking very clearly btw) I feel like a lot of the rhetoric society uses to address people who have depression is devised by people who don't suffer from it, like there's a lot of language about how "you're not alone" and a lot of idealizing talk about how great the self-denigrating sufferer appears to others, and that's nice and all but it kind of dismisses the individual's own personal experience of themselves. A person is more complex than their need for extra hugs or attention or something, and a person's perception of themselves/experience of having to be with themselves is not contingent on the perceptions of others even if the external impressions are positive. I don't know, I hate to shit on supportive behaviors but a lot of them are basically dismissive of a person's status as the de facto expert on themselves; I don't really think it's ultimately helpful to make people feel like they don't know what they're talking about, about their own selves. It can be maddening actually, and idealizing talk in particular has a way of suggesting that things have to be great for them to be at all acceptable. Which is really oppressive to tell the truth.

Interlude: In grade school my best friend's class had to do this exercise where they made acronyms of of their first names using various personal qualities, and the teachers gave her shit because for the letter A she used Adequate, and they thought this was, like...bad and had to be corrected.

Anyway I have always written very obsessively and I think it's related to wanting to be understood. Which is not the same thing as wanting to be appreciated, or wanting to feel not-alone. I think I just want someone to say they know what I'm talking about, instead of telling flattering lies or suggesting that something is wrong to say or dismissable just because it seems negative or painful. As if discomfort is automatically invalidating. Someone asked me recently if I journal and I laughed because I've done it all my life, and also because I actually have a SACK of journals under my bed, one regular one, one for dreams, one that's about my dysfunctional relationship with money and materials, etc. And then there's my various blogs of course. I have a couple of semi-pro writing projects going too that I hope I get to announce soon. But it's really all about just the fantasy of articulating something so carefully, preferably in ink (or "ink"), that no one can possibly pretend that they don't know what I'm talking about ever again.

It's funny that we wear our hair the same. I used to wear it half-shaved but my hair grows so fast, it gave me a lot of anxiety. But on that note I must say that whatever pictures of me you see are like 1/1000, I find it very hard to take a picture I'm satisfied with and I often just wind up feeling embarrassed, but ultimately I think I'm just trying to fix some positive mental image of myself even though I know we're all different people at different hours of each day. I dunno. Actually it becomes problematic because a couple of people are always telling me how "photogenic" I am and then I'm like WHY DID IT TAKE ME THREE HOURS TO GET THIS ONE SHOT THEN, and they refuse to believe me when I explain how many pictures I throw out. They think they're doing me a big favor by pretending everything is effortless for me. I have especial problems with my hair, probably every picture you see of me was anxiously snapped at some exact moment when it was behaving! So don't worry, I'm having a really hard time with my appearance basically always. Pictures other people take of me are mortifying, and I'm always like FUCK, that's what they think is a good, representative photo of me? Uh oh. Pictures I take of myself are usually taken in an emergency in fleeting, ephemeral moments where I suddenly look ok to myself.

This morning I went to the church where I've been going since February, a beautiful place full of eccentric older people I have fallen a little in love with. Sometimes I'm tempted to actually convert to Catholicism, like maybe that would be the gothest thing I could do, but I know that I will always believe in abortion and the right to suicide and I'm not too sure about hell or the historical Jesus or papal authority. I just really like it in this specific church. This morning one of the oldest ladies who goes on the weekdays like me introduced herself, she was very sweet and she was wearing hoops that were styled like chains, I don't think she realized they were bad bitch earrings, they just looked nice on her. She said it was nice to see "young people" getting involved with the church, and I wanted to tell her I turned 42 last week, but I might still be the youngest person there! When I met some of the other folks last month they told my husband that he looked like Geraldo Rivera, and then remarked that they thought we were too young to be aware of Geraldo. I told them we're old enough, we're just packed in our own oil. Anyway this is my big excuse to post selfies I was struggling with, I feel more conflicted about them these days, but I guess I'm still compelled. Thanks so much for your understanding, and have a good night!

[burning-sol]

BIG EXANDROTH POST

this is my big post where i ramble abt exandroth. spoilers for all of apotheosis.

(HEY THIS IS XANDER HERE) (I'M POSTING THIS EARLY SO THIS IS NOT COMPLETE NOR MOST ELOQUENTLY PUT) (IF SOL GETS AROUND TO IT THEY'LL FIX THIS POST THEMSELVES) (BUT I THINK IT'S BETTER THAT THIS GOES OUT THERE RATHER THAN JUST GET BURIED IN SOL'S DRAFTS AND NEVER SEES THE LIGHT OF DAY) (SO HERE YOU GO) (I ADD NOTES THROUGHOUT WHEN I THINK IT'S NEEDED)

Exandroth /neg

Okay so I figure before we move onto ANYTHING else in this post, we're going to have to talk the fucking WORST thing about Exandroth. You know it, you hate it, it's Exandroth's relationship to Peter. Because this needs to talked about so we all know we're on the same page about Exandroth being an asshole.

I think there's a misconception about Exandroth that Exandroth wants to actively hurt everyone, that she doesn't care about anybody and will do whatever it takes to achieve its goal - or something along those lines. But I think it can be more accurately summarised as the following quote.

Episode 2: Charlie: He seems like he's absolutely being serious about killing these blights, and it's pretty apparent from the battle earlier...that he's like just kind of will do whatever to Peter to get there.

It's not that Exandroth doesn't care about others, it doesn't care about Peter. Exandroth makes fun of Thanatos and teases Rumi, but that sort of actual hurt and intended abuse is always directed at Peter. Outside of any sadistic delight Exandroth gets from killing combatants, Exandroth enjoys harassing Peter and bullying him and does not mind that Peter gets hurt in the slightest. Exandroth cares about Peter to the extent that Peter is a vehicle necessary to navigate her surroundings, and will keep Peter fit enough to function but doesn't take any measure to make sure Peter is comfortable.

To give Exandroth the tiniest of credit, possession in Exandroth's case cannot be completely absent of pain. Regardless of who Exandroth had chosen, Exandroth can't control if Peter gets intrusive 'visions' (briefly mentioned in episode 2, they're not confirmed to be caused by Exandroth but I think there's a good chance they are), or if Peter's time being possessed he can only see fire, or if the magic Exandroth casts causes pain to the host. Anyone who is a host for Exandroth is going to experience pain and discomfort presumably because a human (or what have you) body is just not fit to host a celestial being.

HOWEVER, Exandroth is a fucking shit head who has committed the following:

Exandroth did not inform Peter of what the possession would entail and moreso just forced itself on Peter, making this possession built on a very not consenual agreement.

Constantly and forcefully takes control of Peter without permission. In episode 6, Peter elects to give Exandroth some control and suggests setting up boundaries. Exandroth COMPLETELY ignores Peter and takes full control. Exandroth is not at all respectful of Peter's autonomy.

Exandroth refers to Peter as "just a wand" and generally just dehumanises Peter, viewing him as a tool to achieve her goal rather than someone who she should be collaborating with as an equal.

Using magic causes pain to Peter that Exandroth never addresses, apologises for or attempts to mitigate.

When Peter talks about the idea of trying to get Exandroth to use its magic to help people (episode 4), Exandroth starts to LIQUIFY Peter's leg. YIKES.

I believe it's episode 7 that the worm place is introduced; which becomes a place of torment Exandroth sends Peter, and is shown to very much traumatise Peter to point of being discomforted (you could presume even triggered) by the mention of worms. Peter brings up only seeing fire or blacking out previous to this, which I interpret as being a baseline, meanwhile the worm place is something Exandroth actively inflicts on Peter.

We don't know every little detail of Exandroth's time possessing Peter, but Charlie does say that Exandroth made Peter's life a living hell and ruined his life and I don't believe that's an exaggeration in the slightest. I may have missed things, I'm very sure that there's more I could talk about, but this last point summises everything pretty well.

Exandroth is a DICK and DEFINITELY Peter's antagonist. Peter absolutely needed Exandroth out of his fucking life because Exandroth was a constant tormentor. And I'm going to bring up the idea of Exandroth being redeemed later, but let it be known that in no way do I think that entails Peter forgiving Exandroth or making any effort to help Exandroth better itself. Peter doesn't have to be associated with this thing. Peter shouldn't be expected to associate with this thing. Peter shows Exandroth more kindness than what Exandroth deserves and Peter is absolutely amazing.

I love Peter and I wish to crush Exandroth cause what the actual fuck is wrong with this guy, she's such a prick.

I also think it is absolutely messed up that after all of Exandroth's bullshit, when shit hits the fans and Peter dies, Exandroth blames Peter and calls him a "feeble insect". But that's enough on that.

The narrative Rumi tells

Rumi is not a reliable narrator and they act with a subconscious (or conscious) need to maintain their identity. Nobody missed this, we understand this, but let's take this and apply this to Rumi's relationship with Exandroth. Because Exandroth never appeared in Rumi's visions. Rumi only ever saw Peter. How does this affect Rumi's perception of Exandroth?

My interpretation is Rumi probably subconsciously saw Exandroth as a threat far before any confirmation of Exandroth's character. Exandroth is an uncomfortable outlier; and Rumi could either accept that outlier - accepting their visions weren't entirely correct - OR they could force it to fit in a role that doesn't threaten their identity.

Firstly, through the rejection of Exandroth entirely. It's notable to me that Rumi entirely ignores Peter's comments about Exandroth even as he shows obvious signs of possession (dramatic change in body language, the voice, eclipsed eyes, the horrors, etc). Rumi makes comments praising Peter, "Peter, that was fantastic," You're monstrous Peter!" and it's an entire hour into the episode when Rumi first acknowledges Exandroth; not by his name, but as "the angel inside of you [Peter]". And if this seems like a strange comment, just know that in comparison it took Thanatos DRAMATICALLY less time to latch onto Exandroth's name and use it without issue. For me, it goes past being a bit to feeling like it's something Rumi is skirting around.

In the next episode, Rumi does ask to talk to Exandroth and introduces themselves but soon after delves into a line of questioning surrounding Peter and if Exandroth can transfer her power. This isn't to say that these are unreasonable questions, but I would pose that these questions prioritise Peter more than actually getting to know Exandroth. And Rumi also asked whether Peter was the master of Exandroth or Exandroth was the master of Peter (IN that order) which just seems like a kinda fucked up thing to ask imo.

Obviously, there is a certain point where Exandroth's actions speak for themselves, and Rumi would be right for judging Exandroth harshly, but many of these early interactions can be interpretted as being skewed in Peter's favour.

When it comes to how Rumi treats Exandroth, I percieve things progressing as follows: Exandroth is treated as an entity that doesn't exist; Exandroth does exist but it just an accessory to Peter; Exandroth is an UNWELCOME accessory to Peter; Exandroth is a thing for Peter to conquer as a way for Peter to become a strong individual.

The emphasis being that in each case Exandroth is NOT an individual. Because if Exandroth was an individual that exists then that means Rumi's visions don't line up properly. It was never meant to be FOUR god slayers, it was MEANT to be Rumi, Thanatos and Peter. So even before the outright sabotage of Rumi's visions, Rumi was set up to view Exandroth poorly. Although we agree with Rumi that Exandroth is no good, Rumi did not necessarily follow the same line of thought as we did. This wasn't JUST Rumi looking out for Peter, it was Rumi protecting their identity.

I think this also clears up in my mind why Rumi would have a sort of double standard when it comes to Thanatos. Thanatos IS more redeemable than Exandroth, for fucking sure, but this ONE line I obsess over because of the sheer dissonance of it.

"Thanatos, unlike Exandroth, I've observed has some semblance of a liking towards the living. Starting with that Lizard, and perhaps your family in the past."

It really throws a wrench in this whole 'Thanatos is redeemable but Exandroth isn't' thing when you use an example like that. Because, if you don't know, Exandroth LOVES Lizard and has an OUTPOURING of affection towards it. Exandroth BLESSED Lizard, CONNECTED a part of itself Lizard... What is the difference between Thanatos' affection for Lizard and Exandroth's? I turn this over in my mind repeatedly.

More On Dehumanising Exandroth

Okay but let's REALLY think about how Exandroth is treated. Obviously there's all of Rumi's case I lay out earlier but even generally speaking NOBODY really treats Exandroth with the same level of individuality as they would each other. A lot of talk around Exandroth was about his use as an asset to the team; about it being attached to Peter and what that meant for Peter; or about Exandroth's role in the attack on the celestial realm. Times where the god slayers are being introduced, Exandroth has gotten left out more than once.

When Exandroth was out and about in episode 10, she commented that he actually felt like staying out for a while and seemed to have been enjoying socialising with everyone: only to then be told to go away because Tristan(?) found Exandroth annoying. And the others didn't disagree.

This is something that became more apparent as I watched back over the clips and realised there was just SO much talk ABOUT Exandroth but not a lot of talk TO Exandroth. And when there WAS talk to Exandroth, you can be sure that it didn't really amount to much on a personal level. And this is not even bringing in the outright hostility towards him.

Exandroth is very tolerant of this and at worst just gets a bit defiant, saying that he's not going to leave of his own accord. He doesn't act hostile towards the others at all... He did say he could turn Thanatos into spiders if they were in a fight. Recited "boil" repeatedly in response to Rumi trying to use a command spell. He joked about killing Rumi when she was carrying them in the air. But an actual direct and hostile threat? That it initiated? Never. If anything, Grizzly and Condi in a Just Rolled expressed that they wanted to kill Exandroth and take its power. Fun.

Grizzly makes the a comment in episode 12 that Exandroth is a sort of "flaw for Peter". (HEY I'M NOT EXPANDING ON THIS BUT THE POINT SOL WAS GOING TO MAKE WAS THAT EXANDROTH WAS PLACED MORE AS AN ASSET TO PETER'S CHARACTER AND THE GENERAL PLOT OF APOTHEOSIS RATHER THAN HIS OWN CHARACTER) (EXANDROTH IS NOT CONSIDERED A CHARACTER WITH HER OWN ARC, EXANDROTH IS IN SERVICE TO THE OTHERS IN THE STORY) (THAT WAS THE JIST OF IT) (I'M SURE THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE SOL WANTED TO ADD HERE BUT WE'RE MOVING ON)

Let's talk about episode 13

SUMMARY OF EXANDROTH IN THIS EPISODE:

We open up. Exandroth is shifting in form and is "not fully intact" before settling on being Rumi, confusing Peter in the process. Exandroth speaks in a way that's unusual for him and even describes himself as wanting a "perfect" vessel to become god (Exandroth has not shown any fixation on being "perfect" before now). Exandroth attempts to possess the sword before being interrupted. They fight. Exandroth uses her sword for attacks, it continues to come off as very not Exandroth.

Peter cracks open Exandroth's form to reveal the form of Peter. Exandroth's mannerisms and fighting becomes dramatically more Exandroth-like, though he does sound nasally like Peter would. Exandroth comments that he's going to take everything Peter loves. He also has a bag of rocks but Exandroth has painted them all to be Rumi. As Exandroth takes more hits the form wobbles and stretches like someone were manipulating vertexes in Blender.

Exandroth mutters 'he didn't want to do this' before his body EXPLODES into light as his angelic form peels out from the body. And then she fights epically with Peter. And it loses. The end. Kill your gays trope real, Exandroth confessed love for Rumi and got sent to superhell. Very sad. END OF SUMMARY.

What I'm SO intruiged by in this fight is the forms that Exandroth takes, particularly that Exandroth takes the form of Peter of all people. The worm. The imperfect vessel. I mean obviously it makes for a really epic Peter vs Evil Peter scenario. It's also like "WOAH if Exandroth is taking the form of Peter, that's a testament to how strong Peter actually was this whole time". But aside from that, maybe it's reflective of how Exandroth has grown attached to this version of itself.

In terms of phases, you could theorise that there's a progression of what Exandroth wanted to be (Rumi) -> what identity Exandroth had grown attached to (using Peter's body as a vessel) -> and what Exandroth actually is (the Archangel of Justice and Retribution). A desperation to cling onto a sense of humanity, to cling onto these new memories and experiences and emotions. "I didn't want to use this." Why not, Exandroth? Hasn't all this time Exandroth been playing up their prowess, their superiority, their celestial power over the duration of the series? Aside from it being a cool last phase, last resort of power... Maybe Exandroth has grown a distaste towards their celestial self.

It WAS an entire year Exandroth spent attached Peter. So it's not so far fetched to assume that Exandroth started to identify itself with Peter's body.

(ALSO MAYBE EXANDROTH'S TAKING PETER'S FORM WAS LIKE) (IT WAS MAKING OF SHOW OF HOW EXANDROTH WANTED TO STEAL PETER'S LIFE) (IMPERSONATING PETER) (YEAH I THINK THAT WAS SOMETHING ELSE SOL WANTED TO BRING UP)

Exandroth was in LOVE

There is not much to this point. It just. It means something to me that Exandroth was able to pick up on a human emotion. And sure, it didn't know what the fuck to do with that emotion and expressed it in an unhealthy way... But it was SOMETHING. And how much more could have Exandroth picked up on? Could Exandroth have become more than just retribution, rage and sadistic delight?

Exandroth was an ally of humanity, Exandroth walked alongside people, and Exandroth was becoming more human itself. Going to LOSE my marbles.

(INSERT MORE EXPANSION ON THIS POINT) (BUT YEAH EXANDROTH WAS DEVELOPING EMOTIONS IT DIDN'T HAVE BEFORE AS A CELESTIAL) (THAT'S COOL)

Loveable Idiot

Okay but if I may be sooo silly about this thing he is SOOO stupid and I love it. She had fuckinnnggg no awareness about him it KILLED me.

I love when he just fucking gets distracted by a squirrel and INCINERATES it. This thing doesn't have an attention span like.

Also I just find it very cute that Exandroth it jsut a sleepy lil' thing. Described as napping on several occassions. Going absolute sleepy mode. Now that I think about it you could probably interpret some of Exandroth's incomprehensible speeching as a result of the sleepiness.

(UM YEAH SOL WAS GOING TO GUSH MORE HERE)

Some other notes

In episode 2 when Rumi is going off about how Peter is a part of the trio, Exandroth tries to come out but doesn't manage to get a hold of the reigns. I can only imagine that Exandroth wanted to tell Rumi that he was meant to be Rumi's comrade, not Peter, but didn't get the chance to. And a reminder that Zuen had picked Exandroth as a chosen so yeah I linger on this first interaction a bit.

A clip I'm OBSESSED with is this one. I just think that Rumi and Exandroth could work SO well together in a horrible way because. Rumi doesn't want to directly kill anyone... But Exandroth does!! And if THIS sort of interaction happened more often? Ooooo I love it. I love it SO much. Something something Exandroth will take blood on its hands that Rumi doesn't want. Something like that.

Exandroth's first encounter vs Exandroth second encounter with Rymir is a VERY stark comparison. Exandroth's first encounter with Rymir he just couldn't contain his sheer rage at Rymir (who imprisoned him after Exandroth's treason, which is deserved but ofc Exandroth would be upset over it). Exandroth FORCED himself out and went for the throat. But Exandroth's second encounter he didn't try to crawl his way out, he only came out when allowed. Not only that but he... Sat there. Just. Made some your mom jokes and left as quickly as she came. Maybe it was pacified by Rumi? Maybe Exandroth just was holding themselves back? Up to your interpretation.

Exandroth barely had a prescence in episode 12- even during the fight which is very uncharacteristic of Exandroth. The one time Exandroth used magic was to help Peter dispell the Moon Beast of all things. Just think about that. (SOL ALSO BROUGHT UP IN ANOTHER POST ABOUT EXANDROTH WANTING TO BE FREE AND ALSO FREEING THE MOON BEAST) (SIDENOTE: ALSO SOMETHING ABOUT HOW EXANDROTH SORT OF IMPRISONS PETER)

I posted this clip where both Exandroth and Rumi use their commands spells to say "obey" which. Yeah. You know. That's something!

Exandroth's expulsion from the celestial realm

For me I initially had the theory when I first started Apotheosis that the reason he was cast out of heaven in the first place was because he liked his job too much. He was the Angel of Retribution, but took it to a point where he was giving punishments that even the Gods thought were a little much. He's shown to be extremely sadistic, so it made sense to me. -Shiloh205

Answering the easiest part first: Exandroth wasn't cast out of the celestial realm by the gods.

Exandroth, as part of a plan agreed on with Zuen, went down to Earth(?) 15 years ago and had a hand in the creation of an army of Thanatos that would storm the celestial realm. At some point, Exandroth returned to the celestial realm and was imprisoned for its treachery by the gods for the next who knows how long. It was during the attack on the celestial realm that Zuen unchained Exandroth and set her free, Zuen destroying the celestial realm (the sky disappearing as a result) and leading into the events of episode 1. Zuen let Exandroth free as a part of their deal and because Zuen had selected Exandroth as one of his "chosen". (Zuen wanted there to be a fight of ideals between Exandroth, Rumi and Thanatos but this didn't pan out most likely because of Peter's presence - who was NOT chosen by Zuen but instead chosen by Exandroth)

Why did Exandroth do this though? Here are quotes that I think are relevant.

Episode 2: Thanatos: What does Exandroth seek? ... Exandroth: ...to kill the blights that plague this land, using the body of this boy and my immense magical power. I shall cover the world in Exandroth's light and show it the true meaning of retribution.

Episode 3: Exandroth: I have big beef with the gods. Their hubris will be their undoing. You see, they've made a deal with me that I can stand against them and test their might. But they look down on upon me. And I will earn my freedom from them, with my power. Rumi: Oh, so the gods enslave you, Exandroth? Exandroth: Ouh, they suck. Ough. Thanatos: You seek to destroy them? Exandroth: For sure.

Episode 5: Peter: I don't know, maybe- maybe I can be shaken out of it. But it's.. I don't think it'll be easy. Especially not if it's something like killing a blight, that he's really trying to do... And I- And I feel that anger.

Episode 10: Thanatos: You were the first to assault the gods? Exandroth: Oh they have been laying waste to everything for a long, long time before I took my job as Archangel of Retribution to its word and commenced a great reckoning.

Episode 10: Rumi: But I recall you saying that once all the gods are dead, you will be in control? Exandroth: I mean, yeah, 'cause the gods won't be there anymore, so we will all be in control of our own destinies. Rumi: Is that the goal Exandroth, I thought the goal was to um.. Exandroth: It's to kill the gods first of all... It's to retribution.. It's sort of my thi- whole- the entire thing is retribution so..

Episode 10: Charlie: Condi, unless I'm wrong, retribution is his whole thing. Like, he's pissed at basically the gods for fucking with him for so long.

Episode 10: Rumi: Exandroth, once all the gods are dead, you're going to leave humanity alone and go away? Exandroth: I mean unless it like... Unless it would want something I guess? But like I'm not- You know, I'm an angel? I- I'll retribute if someone's like a fucking ass. I'll fuckin- I'll blast 'em! ... Rumi: So you're saying once we finish killing all the gods, you'll free Peter and leave humans who are not evil alone? Exandroth: I mean, yeah, we can talk about it. ... Exandroth: That's pretty much it. Really just retribution. Fuck 'em up real bad.

From these quotes I think it can be gathered that Exandroth had three motivations behind betraying the gods. The first being that Exandroth was constrained in some way (maybe not letting him do what he wanted or maybe an physical constraint, we don't know the details) and wanted freedom from them. The second being that it seems that Exandroth has something to prove, that he wants to be a force that rivals the gods by challenging them. The gods definitely have a streak of acting condescending, even specifically towards Exandroth, so I'd say this also checks out. The third being that Exandroth is an Angel of Retribution and Justice who judged the gods as deserving of retribution, and carried out whatever it would take to enact this retribution. In general, we know that there was definitely SOMETHING that the gods did to Exandroth other than chaining him up, because he is described as being VERY upset at them - filled with an anger that Peter can feel too. So maybe there was that personal need for retribution outside of the Gods' neglect of the people in general.

I know someone might comment that becoming god was also a motivation for Exandroth. To me, I don't find this nearly as clear as everything else listed. Exandroth definitely wanted to be god post being stabbed by Thanatos; but, as I said before, I think this is more symptomatic of Exandroth attempting to embody Rumi and misconstruing what Rumi's goal was. Outside of this Exandroth doesn't say whether or not his goal from the start was to become a god. If anything, he more strongly insists that he just wants to be a force of retribution in the world - which is backed up by insight checks made by both Bizly and Grizzly at different points. Which falls under the previously listed motivation.

This isn't to say that Exandroth didn't want to become god, just that there isn't evidence to say it was his initial motivation or even a primary motivation. It may have been a side effect of his other motivations, similar to Rumi's situation, but it was not Exandroth's driving force. Maybe Exandroth would have even been open to negotiating his position if, "I mean, yeah, we can talk about it," can be taken optimistically.

That is what I have gathered on Exandroth's situation in the celestial realm - concerning what events happened and what his motivations are.

(ALSO, ZUEN DID MANIPULATE BOTH RUMI AND THANATOS INTO POSITIONS AS CHOSEN) (AND EXANDROTH ISN'T EXACTLY THE MOST SMART OF THE GROUP) (IT'S NOT CANON BUT I THINK IT'S EASY TO EXTRAPOLATE THAT EXANDROTH WAS MOST LIKELY MANIPULATED BY ZUEN TOO) (PERHAPS EVEN TO A MORE STRONG DEGREE LIKE RUMI HAD BEEN)

So is Exandroth a static character?

If it were up to my judgement, my answer would be no.

Context behind this question: Charlie in the Just Rolleds had expressed that he didn't want to play Exandroth because he was a "static character". This was as late as Just Rolled episode 12, and I think you can easily gather from my points above why I'd be arguing that this is wrong. As much as I think the Rolleds can give better insight into Apotheosis, they AREN'T Apotheosis. I don't agree with the Council when it comes to Exandroth and I think there's enough textual evidence to back me up. I'm sure to Charlie this made sense to him as the player, but actually watching through Apotheosis as a viewer is a very different experience.

One thing that I think COULD possibly refute this is similar to what Bizly tried to argue with Thanatos' character. That being, was there an actual internal change or did Exandroth just learn to approach things with more "finesse"? Did Exandroth change or were there just other factors at play?

At the very least, regardless of where you stand, I hope that we would all agree by the end of this essay that Exandroth is at the least a dynamic character.

(THIS WAS A QUESTION FROM MOCHITOASTER TOO BUT SOL HAD ALREADY PLANNED TO INCLUDE THIS) (THE QUESTION ITSELF)

I would really like to hear your thoughts on Exandroth being a static character. Like do you think that’s true? Is the only growth it has based in fanon or is there more to it than it’s given credit for?

(FROSTYCOLA WAS ALSO IN THE TAGS WANTING ME TO DISPROVE THIS SO YEAH) (I HOPE WAS OF SOL'S ESSAY COULD CONVEY STUFF)

(CURRENTLY THE END OF THIS POST)

(SORRY) (THERE WAS SO MUCH MORE SOL COULD RAMBLE ON ABOUT BUT THIS IS WHERE IT GETS CUT SHORT) (IF YOU LIKE THIS OR HAVE ANY MORE SPECIFIC QUESTIONS YOU COULD SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS WITH SOL) (WHEN HE GETS AROUND TO IT HE COULD TALK MORE) (THERE WASN'T NEARLY ENOUGH ON EXANDROTH'S ACTUAL DEVELOPMENT GAH) (I'M SORRY SOL WASN'T ABLE TO FINISH IT AT THIS POINT IN TIME)

(MOCHITOASTER'S OTHER POINT THAT I'M SORRY SOL DIDN'T ANSWER)

Also I wanna hear about Exandroth’s relationships with the godslayers. This is kind of branching off the first point but I want to hear what you think about it being in love with Rumi and impersonating them and it’s relationship with Peter and the sort of strange maternal thing happening with thanatos badically I wanna hear everything but those especially I think idk I need to rewatch apotheosis and die all over again

(THANK YOU ALL FOR LISTENING TO SOL THOUGH) (I DO THINK THEY HAVE A GOOD UNDERSTANDING OF EXANDROTH AS A CHARACTER) (I HAD SOL'S PERMISSION TO POST THIS) (AND I'M GLAD BECAUSE I THINK SOL SHOULD REALLY BE ABLE TO GET THEIR IDEAS OUT THERE) (THEY GET REALLY BOGGED DOWN IN PERFECTIONISM) (BUT WHEN THEY PUT THEIR IDEAS OUT THERE THEY CAN BE DOPE AS HELL)

(ANYWAYS)

(HEY YOU ASKED FOR STUFF HERE YOU GO) @2o5 @mochitoaster @frostycola

[woundedoves]

opinions about exhibitionism and voyeurism

also opinions about cnc (I like it... sorry if thats uncomfy!!)

i genuinely want to just be naked all day in my own house if other ppl didnt live with me … but if i had a partner and we had our own little flat i would just be butt naked all day because i hate the sensory feeling of clothes on my body and im a whore who likes to show off what i got and it just makes me feel zen . getting my beloved turned on is a cute little bonus <3

i think for voyeurism i actually talked w my bff abt this, i would absolutely love to watch … especially if i can have a drink or two while i do

now cnc… this is gonna be under the read more (im a kinky queer freak read at ur own risk)

i fucking love the fantasy of being raped. i guess its like, someone finding me so damn fuckable that they cant control themselves and pounce on me like a starved animal? especially when they come back for more tbh… like if i go a lil deep in my conscious i think its abt a person wanting me so fucking desperately that they’ll stop at nothing, not even my pain which also explains my thing for yanderes i think…. i like the ones that are like “just take it like a good boy, you’re gonna feel good just relax baby, im gonna make you feel good too okay i just- i need this so bad, please”

so! cnc, doing this w my partner?? ohhh my god, the only thing in my mind would be are they actually pretending? would they wanna fuck me even when i say no? they should, i would take it like a bitch in heat anyways. so i LOVE it!! needless to say…

[alyimoss]

Your big sad kitten eyes have compelled me but I also suck at prompting stuff,,, Give me your random-est UTMV info, I am curious!!!

theres kind of a lot so im putting it under the cut

ok so i dont have much for canon info, except ig that dream is canonically demiromantic asexual? which i dont see talked abt much but is incredibly important to me

but headcanon info?? i got plenty of that shit. which. i conveniently cant think of much of rn but its!! fine!!

ok starting out is one that i wont elaborate too much specifically bc i wanted to make a full post abt it at some point but. i think underlust sans is in the star sanses. no question. why? because i like him and i like the stars and i like him in the stars. end of story. period. fine. theres more i could say but, again, full post at a later date.

next thing also has to do with the stars as well as the bad sanses and its. look. yeah, theres serious shit abt them. theyre supposed to be kinda serious as the protectors of aus and their conflicts can have devastating effects on their surroundings. and the bad sanses are literally a gaggle of murderers who are not okay by any metrics. theres serious stuff to be said and had with them, yes. however, i cannot take those motherfuckers seriously. any of them. and considering theyre different versions of sans undertale, mr crack shitty jokes with a mass murderer, i think thats a fine sentiment.

anyway they all hang out. they fight and they hate each other and they hurt each other gravely and need days to weeks to months to heal properly and they fucking hang out with each other. i think ink was the first to kinda. "reach out" in a way, because he sees absolutely nothing wrong in fraternizing with the enemy. he'd just pop in and bother them because he was bored and had nothing else to do. i think killer was more or less fine with this (most of the time, anyway) but the others werent exactly enthused. anyway they had to kinda grow used to him.

and then ink dragged dream with him and i think dream is also more or less ok with the idea of visiting the enemy because he wants to help them leave nm's side and lead better lives that dont have to revolve around uh. killing. and making everything worse not only for others but themselves as well. and the btt i think were more ok with dream than ink because of his positive aura — hes just nice to be around, and even if most of them dont think they deserve good things and good treatment, they cant help but be drawn to him. i gotta imagine beiong around him after living with nm is like being offered a heated blanket after days out in the cold. theyre drawn to the warmth almost instinctually, their bodies craving it so bad their minds dont have the time to deny them. anyway yeah dream hangs out with them.

blue and lust are understandably more hesitant, not only because they're more in tune with the concept of "hey those guys are our enemies should we really be getting that close to them", but also because, as mortals, they have a lot more to fear should someone not want them there. i think the bad sanses initiate this time bc theyre curious. and blue and lust agree tentatively.

yeah all that to say they hang. often. they'll fight and then like 20 minutes later theyre in ccino's or smthn talking abt their day. they mostly hang in different aus, but sometimes they choose nm's castle as their meeting spot just because. and every time theyre chased out and/or nearly killed by nm himself. and they never learn their lesson and just come back like a week later.

and bc im a sucker for the trope of "hero and villain's fights have become so routine to both of them that they just talk about the most mundane shit during them", they do that too. its like-

*dodges bone attack* "oh btw you left your jacket at our place last time"

*knocks opposing balster out of the air, charges a retaliation attack* "oh shit, i was wondering where that was"

"yeah nm kinda found it first tho…" *hisses in pain as he fails to dogde the attack* "i can return the shredded junk tho if you want?"

*teleports out of range only to be grabbed by blue magic and thrown and pinned against the wall* "yeah why not. ccino's?"

"ccino's"

and this PISSES NM THE FUCK OFF. and honestly i cannot blame him.

because imagine getting together a squad of guys with a main goal of killing your brother, and instead of seriously trying to do that and feeding him more negativity via their hatred of the other side, they just. fucking hang out with them?? they banter and he can feel that they feel happier and safer with them??? what the FUCK. id be pissed.

he definitely tries to put a stop to this via several methods, such as punishment and correction and just getting entirely new guys. but it just ends up all the same no matter what, and at some point he gives up. at least theyre still fighting. even if they do bring the enemy over to the castle to watch adam sandler movies every saturday.

and also speaking of giving up, the hanging out doesnt generally extend to nm EXCEPT when its ink. bc i think theyre funny silly together. ink just bothers him and has for like. forever. and nm can never get rid of him or prevent him from following him, plus he supposes ink is something like an ally sometimes?? he doesnt like him (totally), but he tolerates him. because theres nothing else he can do.

and also speaking of nm i think corrupted and passive are separate entities sharing the same body. corrupted is the one in control, and passive just exists off to the side, offering his opinions or whatever. he cant really do much (he can sometimes control the body, but its very brief before corrupted takes control back because hes stronger), but he refuses to leave. so he just bothers corrupted. bc i think corrupted is someone who does not want to see anything resembling good in homself — he is the embodiment of evil, and that means he cant care about anyone, he cant feel anything like love or longing or pity or compassion. he's just here to soak up the negativity and submerge the world in it as well. nothing else. someone who refuses to acknowledge the everpresense of balance and how it pervades his own self as well. and thats something that passive LOVES bringing up because nothing sets corrupted off quite as well. one day he'll maybe realize that he is more than his own perception of "the embodiment of evil" and maybe that will allow passive to have more control over the body he once called his. or maybe not. an ee way.

i cant think of anything else rn lol. i think thisll be enough for now tho

[the-beeez-kneeez]

i can’t help but think i can only feel love in such a debilitating, obsessive, overwhelming way that the movie bones n all was such a powerful metaphor for love to me-

“love me and eat”

that’s how i feel- i would give myself to my love completely and totally if it meant their well being

i mean would i already give anything to take away most people’s pain? absolutely-

but when im madly in love?

you have me

mind

body

& soul

maybe dats why i feel so bored whenever im not inlove bc nothing consumes me like finally getting to b with the person meant for me- maybe i am sicker than i thought, how can i be so consumed by a love i dont believe ive felt before? how can i devote myself and my life to a person i dont know? why do i feel this way? why am i like this?

i dream of the day when i’m happily with them whoever they may be, tending to them when they’re sick, cooking for them, being their safe place to talk abt anything n everything, doing all i can to make sure they’re the best version of themselves-

i’m so hyper independent who knows if i’ll ever trust someone enough to allow them all of me, it’s not smth i jus do when im with someone- yes they’ll get bits n pieces but i refuse to completely and totally love someone until i trust that i can be completely vulnerable w them and know our love is unconditional.

bruh i need a lobotomy i hate how much of a hopeful romantic i am, makes me queazy

[hitmesupersonic]

god why did nobody tell me how annoying it is to fill out job applications im gonna Lose It

[lemonstars-cat-blog]

mapleshade au where i kinda swapper her and ashfur’s stories ig? i haven’t thought abt how ashfur’s story would differ, rlly the only thing that started this was “hey what if the fire scene was a flood scene instead” and then i was like “….Mapleshade” soooo uh notes under the cut ig lol

The kits have blurry memories of Thunderclan but a lot of it is eventually forgotten, think a Mistystar and Stonefur situation like they definitely remembered that stuff when they were kits but as they grew up those memories faded. All they knew was that they’re living with their dad now.

The kits have blurry memories of Thunderclan but a lot of it is eventually forgotten, think a Mistystar and Stonefur situation like they definitely remembered that stuff when they were kits but as they grew up those memories faded. All they knew was that they’re living with their dad now.

The kits get new names

Patchkit -> Wildkit -> Wildspot

Larchkit -> Pinekit -> Pinerush

Petalkit -> Morningkit -> Morningblossom

Appledusk is very protective of them during their apprenticeship, never really wanting them to go toward the Thunderclan borders or to gatherings, saying that Thunderclan hated him and he wanted to protect his kits from being treated with aggression because of him. As time goes on and they grow up he slowly gets more comfortable with the thought of Thunderclan cats seeing them, as there’s no way someone who hasn’t seen a baby in a long time would be able to recognise them as a teenager, right?

Frecklewish remembers.

The kits, now midway through their apprenticeship, go to a gathering, where Frecklewish sees them. She musters up her courage and confronts Appledusk, who has no choice but to tell her the truth. She hates him, but after moons of guilt festering in her for how she treated those kits the last time she saw them, after helping raise them then having her perfect image of a family shattered from discovering a lie, for lashing out and saying things she regretted, only to never be able to apologize as those children were later presumed dead… she wanted to make it up to them somehow, even if they didn’t remember her. She strikes up a friendship with the apprentices, meeting them at gatherings and greeting them on border patrols, cheering for them after hearing them become warriors.

Things were going so well for them all… too well. Soon, Ravenwing turns up dead. Everyone is in a panic, who could’ve done such a thing? A lone maple leaf is left at the scene of the crime… and later Frecklewish is found wailing in pain, an adder having bit her. Before she dies, she warns everyone… of Mapleshade.

News travels, Appledusk is terrified. He tries to get his kits to stay in camp, but they’re adults now and believe they can handle themselves. They’re no match for dads ex-girlfriend!!!

One fateful day, a storm comes rolling in. The river floods and appledusk realises with horror that his kits were out on patrol. He runs out into the storm looking for them, finding them trying to cross the river to get back to camp. As they’re crossing, a wave comes and knocks them over, leaving them to scramble to hold onto one another and the stepping stones for dear life. He tries to pull a branch over for them to grab onto, but is quickly tackled from behind. It’s Mapleshade. She laughs at him, saying it’s his turn to watch his kits die in a flood… He realises she’s so blinded by rage that she doesn’t even recognise her own children, that the only way out of this is to tell her the truth…

He tells her, and the kits hear it. Their birth mother is a murderer!? They’re the product of a shameful forbidden relationship!? No, this can’t be true..

Mapleshade is just as shocked, but steps to the side allowing Appledusk to reach the branch to their kits. She walks away, alone. She needs to think. Morningblossom, Wildspot, and Pinerush make it ashore safely, but when Appledusk tries to talk to them, to explain everything, they silence him and walk away, leaving him alone in the pouring rain.

I’m a little fuzzy on what would happen next, but I think it’d be interesting if Mapleshade tries to reconnect with her kits, and eventually to influence them. She tells them how much pain she’s been through because of Thunderclan and Riverclan, and that she’s planning on killing even more cats who wronged her… She wants her kits on her side, and more importantly she wants Appledusk and Reedshine dead. She’d be disappointed to hear her kits don’t agree at all and think she’s a horrible person, leaving her along to plot her vengeance.

I’m even MORE fuzzy on this part. Basically Morningblossom would sneak away during a gathering, finding Mapleshade as she plots to steal Perchpaw away from the group, thinking she’d hardly be noticed in such a big crowd. Appledusk would be sure to look for his apprentice, and Reedshine might go with him. (i’m gonna be honest i just made that up on the spot LMAOO) She reveals her plan to Morningblossom, and says she could make it even easier if she just leads Appledusk and Reedshine away into the brush for Mapleshade to ambush them. She says her daughter could get off easy, saying she could’ve sworn she saw Wildspot walk into the brush only to be ambushed by Mapleshade. MorningBlossom breaks out into a blind rage and kills Mapleshade for killing her friend Frecklewish and endangering the lives of so many cats including her parents. She brings Maple’s corpse to the gathering, dropping it in the middle of the crowd and screaming out in anger as she reveals the secret.

aaaand that’s all i got! i have. no idea what would happen next. BUT IF ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS FEEL FREE TO SHARE!! if you’ve read through ALL THIS then WOW thanks!! i know i rambled a bit but eh, that’s just what i do lol.

[finntaur]

it’s 5 am i haven’t slept and this is all I can think abt rn

Does mcyttwitter not realize that bringing up old offensive tweets/videos from 2+ years ago is actually just stalking? And putting that shit on blast is forcing the group that’s affected by it to go through the pain of seeing it?

They just love weaponizing minorities to get brownie points on a website rampant with misinformation, and they act morally superior as if. They aren’t just using other people’s pain.

It’s one thing to hold someone accountable for stuff they are doing in the present (aka knowingly participating in racism/homophobia/ableism). It’s another to bring up tweets from 5+ years ago because your streamer got mad he didn’t win a competition that was meant to be just fun.

They wonder why people leave and constantly shit on Twitter, when literally just a couple weeks ago they trended tommy neg just to shit on a child for saying “Twitter was bad for my mental health”. They trended Hannah neg bc she called them out for putting death threats behind //neg and automatically thinking they’re in the right.

I want to believe that a good chunk of mcyttwitter are kids who probably don’t know better, but there was an adult tweeting tommy neg just because he jokingly said “dnf isn’t real, it’s all a ploy to get your money”. How backwards do you have to be to think your fictional ship of real people (honestly, why the fuck are you doing that in the first place) being joked about is enough to warrant tweeting literal negativity towards a kid.

And just because you don’t tag the ccs in your “neg” (which isn’t even neg or crit, it’s literally just hate) doesn’t mean you’re being the good guy. Like. How do you think your cc would react to seeing your behavior? Bad called you guys out on it and you got bad neg trending. Hannah called you out on it and you got Hannah neg trending.

You’re literally exhibiting the behavior of a child throwing a tantrum because your parents scolded you, and then hiding behind minority pain in order to justify your actions.

It’s not cute, it’s not funny, and when it comes to bite you in the ass, people aren’t going to help you.

Future jobs look at your social media, and if you use the same acc when going for a job, how do you think they’re going to react to you telling people to kill themselves? They’re not going to clap for you, they’re going to get you arrested because if somebody had killed themselves after you told them too? You would be in jail. It’s illegal.

Twitter doesn’t check for sources, it uses buzzwords to get people to keep using it. Why the fuck do so many people believe every single thing they see? “Oh this cc is ableist bc of this joke i refuse to give the source to” like. It’s so very easy to see when someone’s just lying out of their ass.

You constantly talk over minorities, and boost the voices of those that agree with the negativity. So many lesbians were saying they weren’t mad at Techno or Ranboo for the jokes they made (which weren’t even bad. I’m a lesbian, I laughed at them), and yet so many people spoke over us saying we needed to be offended.

It’s frustrating to have to hear about constantly.

You aren’t morally superior for bringing up old shit for brownie points. You’re just a brat.