#at least I'd. idfk. i just don't want to be in pain

[deeisace]

Well, I made it through today without throwing up or my knees fucking up, so even tho I was half hour late to work I count that as a successful day tbh

[bingbongsupremacy]

Masquerade

Pairing: Ellie Williams x Reader

Warnings: Homophobia and abuse. Lowkey wrote this bc some ppl in my family are pretty homophobic and I figured I'd try to write out how I feel and all that shit. Anyways, that's why this is how it is.

Summary: Reader runs into a stranger who makes the boring dance she's forced to attend slightly more tolerable.

* Not Proof Read * TLOU Masterlist

Idfk how royal shit works so that part of this might be bad. Just play along.

*****

I look around at the happy girls twirling around me. How the fuck are they so enthusiastic about being here? These shoes are killing me. This mask is itching my face. My clothes are irritating me. I want to go home.

I danced with one man already, can't that be enough to please my mother?

I can feel her frustrated gaze on the side of my face. All she wants is for me to marry a nice man. A nice rich man.

What she doesn't understand-what she refuses to understand, is that she'll never get that. No matter how many times I tell her, she seems to think one day the right man will come along and change my mind.

" I take it you're not a dancer? " A voice asks from my side.

" Quite the opposite. I like dancing. It's the people I hate. The parties. The drama. My mother. " I nod slightly in the direction of my mother. She's thankfully been roped into a conversation with another socialite. At least she's distracted.

" Parties are...draining. " The woman agrees.

I glance over at her, my posture quickly straightening. Even with the dark lacey mask that takes over majority of her face, I know exactly who it is. Her elegant dark blue suit is a stark contrast in outfit choices from many of the other guests, most opting for black or white.

" Princess Ellie. " I mutter while taking a deep curtsy. " I had no idea. I'm so sorry. "

Of course, only I'd be luck enough to shit talk a royal dance to the person who helped throw it.

" Oh please. Stand up. " Princess Ellie's voice is laced with annoyance.

Confused, I look up at the woman.

" It wasn't my idea for this stupid party. Sarah's been wanting to throw one for weeks. Of course I got roped into helping her. " Princess Ellie doesn't move from her spot against the wall. She takes a sip from her drink, eyeing me up.

I shift, slightly uncomfortable.

" You're welcome to lean back against the wall. " She nods to my previously taken spot. A glimmer of playfulness shines in her eyes. " I don't bite, I promise. "

Carefully, I take my spot back to the princess. " If you don't like parties, why did you come? " I ask curiously.

Princess Ellie shrugs, her shoulders brushing against mine. " Had nothing better to do. Figured I might as well find some pretty girls to talk to . " She grins slightly.

A feel a warm rush climb up my cheeks.

Of course I knew Princess Ellie was gay. Everyone and their mother knows. It caused quite the controversy when she was first caught making out with her now ex-girlfriend in front of thousands of people at her 17th birthday party.

I thought it was nice. I didn't feel so...alone. It was nice to feel normal, like my feelings were okay.

My mother didn't think so. She refuses to attend anything with Princess Ellie, insisting it'll 'ruin' me further.

" What's your name, pretty girl? " Princess Ellie asks, turning her body towards mine. She leans against her arm, cocking her head to the side. Her warm green eyes stare into mine, sending a hoard of butterflies tumbling through my chest.

" Y/N. " I manage to reply. " Y/N of Weston. "

" Well, Y/N of Weston, I'd love to take you- " Princess Ellie is interrupted.

" Y/N! " My mother shrieks. She roughly grabs my hand, pulling my away from the princess. She quickly curtsies and mumbles a polite 'your highness' before turning to me. " Apologies, Your highness but we have to go. "

" But mother-" I being to protest, trying to pull away. The tightness of her grip sends pain through my wrist. " Fuck, mom! " I yelp. I can already feel the bruise forming. My mother doesn't let up.

" Y/N no. " My mother's eyes are fierce, an anger I've never seen before flashing through them.

" Lessen your grip! " Princess Ellie orders, her voice laced with concern. " You're hurting them! "

The loud music has died down. All attention has turned to us. My mother, now clearly embarrassed from the situation, pulls me more urgently.

" What is going on here? " A voice asks. All chatter around the room quiets down.

The king.

My mother's eyes widen. " You're majesty! I'm so sorry. My daughter...she's not listening. You know, children. My husband...he's fallen ill. I'm merely trying to get her home. Our page just sent news. He's had a stroke. Forgive me for disturbing your dance. "

My heart drops. " What? "

My mother doesn't look at me. " Your father has had a stroke. "

Fear runs through my body. No! He can't be ill. He was doing just fine earlier. What happened?

King Joel scans over my expression, trying to decide what to do. " You may go. But release your daughter. "

My mother nods, letting go of my wrist. " Thank you, Your Majesty. Thank you. Come now, Y/N. We must go. "

I glance up at Ellie. Her face displays concern and disbelief. She quickly turns to her father, whispering something into his ear. He brushes it off, shaking his head.

My mother and I curtsy and quickly turn to leave. I numbly follow in her footsteps.

This doesn't make sense? How did the page get here so fast? Our home is hours away from the palace. How was he able to get here so quickly?

Once we're down the long row of stairs, my mother grabs onto my arm. " You know better than to fraternize with the princess. " She hisses, pushing me into our carriage.

Confusion fills my body. " What? We were just talking. "

My mother glares at me. " You don't talk to women like her. You know this, Y/N. "

A pit begins building in my stomach. " Dad didn't have a stroke, did he. "

My mother's gaze doesn't faulter. " No. You are no longer allowed to go to parties at the palace. If you can't find a suitor for yourself, I guess I'll have to take matters into my own hands. I'll be picking a suitor for you. I already have the perfect boy. You're to be married in 2 months. "

My heart drops. " Mother, no! "

" I tried, Y/N. I really did. " She shakes her head. " I tried to let you grow out of this faze. To let you find a good man. You leave me no choice. You'll learn to love him just as I learned to love your father. "

" Please mother, you can't do this. " My voice is filled with desperation. I don't want to get married to a stranger. All I did was talk to Princess Ellie! " Please. "

My mother doesn't crack. " You'll thank me later. "

[shecommunes-moved]

ok so i don't entirely .. subscribe or really like aerith as presented in crisis core. one of my biggest gripes is so many of aerith's defining traits are defined by zack, stripping her of her own traits she was recognized by in the first game. her ribbon? zack gave it to her. selling flowers? zack's idea. i don't like it. i also don't like how zack and aerith met. CC on several occasions felt like it was choke slamming the viewer with HEY REMEMBER THIS FROM OG? zack and aerith deserved their own meeting, just as much as cloud and aerith deserved their own meeting not tied to zack ( neverminding them bumping into each other on the street; names weren't exchanged ).

but one thing i really, really don't like and will not acknowledge on this blog as canon ( that pains me to say b/c i love to study canon ) is her sending countless letters to zack when he went missing. aerith is a fiercely independent teenager turned young woman. i don't believe for a single second she'd spend years pinning and writing a boy that, as far as she knew, just moved on from her one day. in OG she acknowledges he was a flirt and a bit of a player and had assumed that he just found another girl, as much as that broke her heart. if she thought zack replaced her with another girl, she wouldn't make desperate attempts writing him for years in hopes of a response. this perceived 'dumping' she went through devastated her, if what elmyra says is anything to go by. she didn't know zack took their relationship serious enough to actually tell his parents about her and wouldn't until several years later.

if she did write letters, they'd be kept for herself and only herself. the most i'd offer is she wrote one or two .. but aerith wouldn't relentlessly write a boy who she thinks ghosted her and replaced her. at least, i don't see her doing that. more than anything, aerith is guarded on keeping what is vulnerable to her secret and presenting a strong front in the face of it.

can we also write out cissnei telling zack that aerith is a cetra because unless she wanted zack to idfk DO SOMETHING WITH THAT INFO there is literally no reason why a girl raised and conditioned by the turks would reveal such top secret information. like.. there's no reason for zack to know, aerith would not want to tell him, and it feels like the dev's just wrote cis telling him so that he would know even if it doesn't make sense for her developed character.

[jimothysomebody]

Rambling, Fitness, Mobility, Aging, Blah

Feeling kind of meh tonight, for a variety of reasons. Trying to snap out of it, or rather *stay* snapped out of it, it's just hard. Currently trying to refocus myself on my fitness journey.

I'd been doing pretty well about this time of year a year ago, I weighed about 245, down from 281 that June, strength training was going well, I was pretty active, and then February of this when I was 238 year I broke my toe and within 3 months between pain and depression gained back *half* of what I'd lost and have been struggling to lose more weight. It's mostly my diet and being more active that I've been struggling with, and this year with some health scares (read, random otherwise harmless events that triggered paranoia) I've been trying to be more mindful of things like sugar, sodium, alcohol consumption and caffeine.

It's not even so much for aesthetic purposes, I'm realizing. Honestly my goals are mostly strength related. I wanna be able to move heavy shit and not break much of a sweat, I wanna look intimidating enough to make asshats think twice about wanting to fuck with me, and want to have/maintain decent mobility, which I'd already wanted but a broken bone just sort of brought it back to the forefront of my mind.

There's some neat fitness influencers who could give a fuck about the BMI index or numbers on the scale who put emphasis on mobility and strength training and I'm so grateful for that, because for too long fat shaming and the attitude toward obesity and numbers on a scale was just so unavoidable, whether it was the attitude people wanted you to have toward yourself when pursuing fitness goals or judging others being socially encouraged in that kind of scene or whatever. I've made a lot of strides learning to love myself for who I am, the body I'm in, and trying to take better care of myself too.

The love I'm trying to show myself now is that a number over 230lbs isn't bad or wrong or shameful, and to wanting to be mobile with the body I have. I've seen some people, family and close family friends really struggling to get around as early as their late 30's and really struggling as they age and it worries me. In June of 2022 when I was 281 I was hiking over a dune to the beach in the outer banks of North Carolina and out of shame lagged behind some fit friends of mine because I knew it was gonna be difficult and I was gonna be out of breath. This year, even 4 months after breaking my toe? Moving along just fine, pretty tipsy (probably more drunk than tipsy but not hammered) and on island time, and I was chuggin' along up that hill so well Kate Bush would have written *that* song about me, lol. Mid trek and I realized how differently I was doing compared to last year and it hit me just how much better shape I was in, despite a broken toe and being drunk, and doing it mid conversation too. It just felt nice and made me worry a bit less.

Not that it means much, but today I weighed in at 252lbs, have gained some visible muscle mass and definition since last year (probably not enough to move the scale much but idfk) and honestly, as long as I'm still feeling well, can move around and exercise without getting too winded, I genuinely wouldn't be bothered if I don't lose much more of my belly and love-handles (or even gained some!). I do however want to continue with my strength training, get some more definition and mass. Today I got a new 25.5lb olympic barbell, I've been running out of room on my standard one to put the weights I have, and when my buddy regifted me all the workout & weight stuff he wasn't gonna use it included some olympic weight plates that I'll finally be making use of. In Sept. of last year I was using a cheap $25 42lb dumbbell/barbell combo thing from Five Below. Today I can bench *at least* 132lbs (not sure what my max is, ran out of room on the bar lol). The new bar has a limit of 310lbs, so who knows where I'll be this time next year.

I'm blaming all this on my birthday coming up Tuesday lol. Thoughts of the past, what I'm doing with my life in the present, where things could lead in the future, etc etc. 30 wasn't my worst year by far, I don't know what being 31 will have in store for me or if 2024 will be my best year, but... it'd be neat.

[sincelastsession]

BTW I'll probably be ok the nonverbal shutdown doesn't last forever but it's really hard to communicate verbally when I'm overloaded.

My dad needs to have ptsd and cptsd explained and what it does to people and how crippling it gets plus my other diagnosis and that they are real and valid and I do actually need accommodation and to be met at least halfway. Like he's a control freak about me.

It SCARES me.

This session he scheduled is important though. I'm stubborn and I want to give him a chance. Probably one more chance too many but I'd like to be on good terms before he drops dead from health issues or his mental illnesses kill him.

I am worried I'll have a reactive abuse or snappy response to him. I'd like to work on that.

I feel he thinks I'm not holding myself accountable for my behaviors as a 37yrold adult.

I'm still treated and spoken to like a child.

He has no respect for me.

He absolutely will be fake with you like a salesman and watch him flip moods if you correct him even gently.

My Aunts told my mom he's been angry and reactive his whole life.

My dead psychiatrist who used to treat him said he was bipolar probably with a personality disorder and possibly would develop violent dementia and it makes me sad.

It's hard to help people that have beat you down and punished you for being autonomous. The micromanagement is insane.

He does cherry pick. I'd definitely not bring up the DSM book with him and how you treat symptoms. He think I'm schizophrenic or something and my diagnosis actually need to be validated in this instance because I need him to take me seriously when I put up boundaries and he tries to bulldoze them.

He's of the mindset that he deserves respect because he pays for things and is my elder.

I'm of the mindset that he's abused the fuck out of me and I've never gotten respect unless I was playing by his rules.

He does think I'm trying to control him in a paranoid way.

Please remind me to play you the audio or email the clips before sessions with mom and dad.

Off topic: Worried abt my partner, I feel my stress is kicking his ass. He told me I was fine. He had a question for me today and was all horny which I was not mad abt but I had to deal with crazy people

Anyway idfk what else to say.

I'm tired.

Maybe I'll write more after I smoke out for the pain I'll be in tomorrow from being tense as fuck.

I wish I could have my emotional support burger now. 🍔 I'll see it on Thursday before I meet with you.

Dunno if I should eat before dad session.

I mean I'm stressed out about it and I don't know if you're questioning if it's a good idea or not but if I don't have a session with him and don't figure out some way to communicate to where it's not abusive then nothing is going to really get better because he's still basically in control of my financial shit.

Also his apology was basically the best apology and narcissist could possibly give and it's not really even a true apology and I'm really bothered by it and I don't even know if an apology with words would fix anything.

The fact that he made a session with you and is showing up means something to me but I'm also so scared that it's going to go bad. I'll be bringing my extra anxiety med that day for after.

I am worried I'll disassociate during session to protect myself and keep myself from reacting to the lies.

I literally thought about finding the dog training clicker I have to bring and click to give you a signal that I may need to excuse myself to keep composure or just let you know if it's absolute bullshit.

You're in charge with the parents. I wouldn't know where to start if you left it up to me.

I don't want to not do the hard sessions and work.

Speaking of work I flat out told my mom I was about to say "fuck it" and do like onlyfans or something because there's a market for all body types and random fetishes. I could be a findom or sell my used underwear or whatever the fuck. There's tons of legit sites. I've gone back and forth about it. If I make enough money then I could just escape. I do wish I was more an ethical slut. I don't like the gross feels that my flesh prison gives me but other people are keen on it. Maybe I'd hate being stick in it less.

Lucy who is my ex roommate...her dad died. He was just like mine but an alcoholic. Dad acts like a dry drunk.

Lucy used to encourage me to do nude modeling like she did for painters because she thought the artists would appreciate my body so I could see it wasn't terrible in art form.

Because it's really weird I look at other people and their bodies and features mostly like I look at art I don't really often sexualize people As much as I guess you're normal average person

I mean yes of course I've passed by people and been like oh God damn they're fine but more in my head it's like oh God damn their fine is in their fine art

[onetwobreathe]

I hate always coming here to vent? I know there needs to be an outlet but I'm looking forward to just one complete small victory this year.

My mental health has been slightly better! The venlafaxine has evened out my panic attacks and I'm not bursting into tears randomly on a daily basis, but the whole social interaction thing has fallen off in the past month or two. I'm always so tired and needing me time (fact that the only close person I have only calls when she needs something doesn't exactly help~), but postponing support workers and therapists is something I have/need to stop. I'm reverting to loving being in my own company once more.

Physical health has taken a battering. I don't want to go into details but currently being tested for a variety of stomach issues, including IBS, Chron's, and Celiac disease, and like I said I'm always tired. Both mentally and physically. I nap at least three times a day at the moment. That could be due to having to severely limit calorie intake so I'm not in the bathroom 23 out of 24 hours and not in constant abdominal discomfort or pain. I think I average around 600 calories on a good day. Bad day? Maybe 300. And no I don't have an ED. Since the start of July I've lost almost 20kg. I just need answers now. If I have to cut out favorite foods, I'll do that. Need to go gluten free even though I'd have consumed it daily before all this? Fine. Just let my digestive system go back to normal please. I'm starting to forget what a full day without feeling nauseous is like.

Oh, and I'm fretting over losing a 3 year long hyperfixation at the moment. I feel it slipping away, as others have in the past, but it's more intense right now. I'm upset by it. Another has taken over completely and makes me so giddy and light that I actually feel guilty? I'm feeling things like hell. I always have but. Idfk.

Anyway. I'm going to make a point of popping in here to add things I've done that I'm happy/proud of, or just make me happy in general! And the first is the decision to start writing again! I need all the luck I can get to actually start, though. 🤭

[brainweird-equilibrium]

much tw check tags I guess

more than a decades worth of frankly masterful trauma bonding has fucking got me trapped again. I escaped twice before but I don't see a way out again. I have fucking ptsd from this guy already but of course that wasn't enough. I've been having flashbacks and nightmares about him for years but I can't fucking remember or reconcile what it was about.

that song he always said was us is true. the red flags were so obvious and it didn't even matter bc he knew I couldn't do anything about it. "I will always find you... you can run but you can't hide, try" ; that's how you think about people you respect right?

back in the beginning (I was .. 9 then?) I dreamed that by this point in my life I'd have dealt with enough of my shit to be able to like assert myself on the most basic level. and I've tried so fucking hard for so long. and I HAVE got better overall. but he knows how I work too well. I have had little hope for anything in general for a long time so maybe I might as well stop trying and just fucking be someone else's idea of me. yolo right

I'm stressed. I feel sick all the time. I'm seeing things not a lot but enough that it's hard to pretend it's not happening. I am dissociated constantly. complete insomnia every couple days, which I have never experienced before. I have nobody else close to me in my life and he's always been happy for it to be that way. I'm only attracted to women but that doesn't need to matter to him of course. I have had relationships since I last got away but it's all so fake, I don't know how to relate to people in healthy ways. I can't trust anyone,I can't experience love or even affection because I'm just layers of fucking fear. and his is the face I see in that fear every day of my life. I can't undo this.

I don't know if it was on purpose in the beginning, he's older than me but only by a couple years, but last time it can't have been totally accidental. he made me who I am and it only feels natural no matter how sick and painful and scary it is.

I've been fucked over by the mental health system I have no hope for their help anymore. the drugs I was on made me just Nothing for years, no motivation, no desire, no care, and they called it a success and told me to piss off because I couldn't be bothered trying to kill myself as much anymore. every time I overdosed they just upped my dose of the shit I was on because obviously the problem was that I didn't have enough! I'm done with that, it was no way to live, and neither is this, but at least it's interesting.

drugged into nothing or living in pain, don't give a fuck if it sounds edgy anymore, I only see bad options. I can't die now bc my mum's partner is about to (terminal illness) and she can't lose her kid at the same time, I need to make sure she has people around her. but the thought of continuing longer than I absolutely have to is unbearable. I've been living so long in Nothing I might as well Do with what there is left. I'll go be A's pet human for a while maybe it'll be interesting. and if I'm lucky maybe I can drop out of consciousness, let the dissociation cut me off, and someone else can be who he wants and actually be fine with it.

idfk. whatever I have been doing has not been working

[resonance-eternal]

.

It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm sorry I missed your last few birthdays. It's not that I don't think of you. January 31st is still etched in my brain. I still sometimes try to find ways to observe it, but it's been hard. I don't really know how to address you after everything that happened. You get that, right? Idfk, I can't find the words, I suck at this haha.

You pointed a gun at mom. Tried to splash bleach in her face. What the fuck am I supposed to think about that? Like you know I'm fucked up about that, but it's an elephant in the room. Fuck's sake. I'm glad that it was you that caught yourself eventually, mom was so quick to stop myself from screaming after she told me what happened, talked about that sudden lucidity. Told her to call the cops and arrest you. Fuck, man. Why? Why did this happen to you? You didn't deserve this shit. WE didn't deserve this shit. But I don't hold it against you, you were so far gone and fucked up on so many drugs; was the only way to cope out there, shit was so hopeless, and you seemed so scared by the end. I knew something was wrong and you were hurt. You had this expression. I didn't see that look in your eye often, the sheer vulnerability and pain. Like every time I'd see you examining sea-life on the shorelines up here. I saw it a lot when you'd listen to Blue October with us, or Nine Inch Nails. I still listen to them, by the way! You remember Trent's "Ghosts" project? He released two new entries back in 2020. I think you would've loved them, it still goes down that "creepy Aphex Twin" kinda vibe. I know you never liked those, but I dunno. They make me think of you. They make me think of many I've lost, but also like many that never really happened to begin with. That sounds like stupid word salad, I know. But it felt right to say.

All those last days with you, I didn't know what to say after you were released from jail. I know you wanted psychiatric help, and you never really got what you needed there. I'm forever angry, I feel like they let you die. But sometimes that sensation creeps up and I remember the things I said after the incident. Or maybe it was the things I didn't say? It doesn't matter. The point is I wasn't there for you and I wasn't kind to you. I didn't know what to do. I was one kid struggling to live, themselves. But if you knew I didn't hate you, that I still loved you, that I still called you my dad, would you have waited at least one more day? Just one more day where I could see you. Maybe I could get you help if I went back in time today. I have what it takes, and the laws up here in Washington would have wiped away all your criminal history! I could have worked. Why did you fucking leave us? Mom and little Jay still wake up crying, locked doors still send Jay spiraling. It's been 6 years. Even if I had one day where I could have told you I loved you. I fucking hate knowing that I let things end so coldly between you and I. And I get scared, I sometimes wonder if you'd be disappointed in me today if you were still here. I made such colossal fuckups and did such reprehensible shit. I don't do anything with my life and I'm cold, lonely, boring and forgettable. I don't know if you'd ever see me as a girl, if you'd accept the real me. You always made those jokes when you were drunk, I wished you did that less but I was so spineless. I feel like no matter which way I slice it, I'm failing.

You were such a mess of a father, but god you fucking tried. But I still have to acknowledge you and mom abused me, when you were both still using. Mom's clean again now, and she finished her degree. I think you'd be really proud of her.

There's nothing I can do or say to really make amends anymore. You're dead. Gone. Nothing left. I hadn't seen you for weaks. I didn't even see your body. I would have fallen apart and I'm too chicken shit to handle that.

I don't believe in the afterlife, but I hope when this is all over I can find you again. I want to be your daughter, and I wanna catch up with you again. Talk about computer science and engineering shit like we used to. Watch shitty arthouse films. I fucking wish I took you up on that when I was younger. I was such trash. I'm done. I can't write anymore. I love you, dad. You left us too soon, and I'm sorry I didn't do more

[daydreamer-bby]

Annoying Personal Mental Wellness Rant and more, waste of time to read so don't bother... like literally fuck off if you're feeling even slightly judgy lol

my brother is like, this estranged god figure

he's always been amazing and patient and kind to me but we're not very close... TONS of love between us and I know he's always been worried for me because (I won't go into his exact words but basically he and my siblings know I'm basically so different that it affects my independence)

he's super into his wine studies and is respected and admired by his colleagues and superiors so obviously this just adds to the level of respect I've accumulated for him

like he's so devoted to his interests and has made a pretty wonderful career for himself in his industry here in the Bay Area all on his own and he's like... #GOALS

I wish I had something going on right now that I cared about as much as he cares about his food/drink education but I have had so many diverse interests and due to my issues I just haven't been able to throw myself into anything the way he has and secure a place for myself in an area I respect

oh god I just dissociated for literally 5 minutes wtf Caitlynn you're just BLOGGING INTO THE DAMN ABYSS THIS SHOULDN'T BE STRESSFUL

I had retype stressful like 10 times because my hands aren't cooperating with my brain

anywayyyyyy

My husband is dealing with the homebuying process and hopefully all continues to go well and progress so that we're living in VA before the end of January (LOL this sounds so ambitious considering the move involved but whatever)

And so, living in Virginia, not in a major city or anything but definitely not somewhere rural either, is going to be exciting as fuck and a new adventure for our little family

I've seriously been thinking about how great it would be to open a cafe in our town but obviously this is just me being mentally ill because who the fuck am I to dream of such a thing with 0 experience or degree ?????

That said everyone I know thinks my food is pretty lit and this business idea of mine really just revolves around one type of food that apparently I make really fabulously

The idea has been on my mind on and off for like... idk at least the past decade. But with each passing year it's gotten stronger and now that I don't have fuck else going on I'm like... could it be time to have a big moment ????

Probably not, I'm legit bonkers right now

But the idea just won't leave me

It's like painful how much I'd love to do this but I know the second I try to realize this ambitious dream I will likely lose all my supporters because "Caitlynn you just resigned from your officer position because you're suicidal like maybe this isn't the best time to take on more stress than you need to" or whatever they'd say but honestly I do really well under pressure

I mean I look like a big fat ugly mess under pressure too but mannnnn that's when shit be gettiN DONE

Idk, I'm crazy to want to bet on myself given my personal history but people are capable of change and growth and drive and all that good shit so why not

I'm literally laughing my ass off typing this out I'm fucking stupid lol

I AM A COMPLETE IDIOT BUT MY FOOD HAS ALWAYS BEEN LOVED AND I THINK IF I WERE TO OBTAIN SOME SORT OF FORMAL TRAINING IN THIS AREA I'D BE ABLE TO ADD VALUE TO A SMALL FOOD BUSINESS OF MY OWN BUT HERE I AM, TYPING TO MYSELF AT 4AM ALONE AND COLD AND DIRTY BECAUSE MY BRAIN AND BODY HATE ME MORE THAN I HATE THEM

I miss my husband so much wtf, he'd be able to keep me more grounded if he were here

Not that I should complain, he's doing so much for us

Lmao god I am the worst

Also yes maybe I am getting worse again because my thoughts have been so angry and disgusting and just offputting to the layers of my selves

This has been helpful, I recommend ranting to your self anytime you need to prevent yourself from moving towards any real goals or aspirations in your miserable little life

Thank god my support system isn't more qualitative I'd prolly do some dumb shit like try starting my own business before I even live in the god damn state I'm destined for

That's another thing too like Idfk how long we're going to live in this new town what if I do the damn thing and then we're like OH OKAY NVM DEUCES WE'RE MOVING AGAIN

Although I do know that we're going to live there at least for the life of the loan which will be about 5-6 years so perhaps that would be enough time to try and create something special for myself ??????

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I CAN'T FEEL MY FINGERS OR TOES

I WANT TO BE EMPTY

I MISS FEELING REAL HUNGER

HUNGER IN THE REAL SENSE SURE, I AM FAT AND MISS BEING HEAVILY INTO LOSING WEIGHT LIKE WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND TUMBLR WAS A TOXIC WASTELAND

BUT ALSO

MISSING THE HUNGER FOR ACHIEVING THINGS AS A LEARNER AND WORKER AND PROBLEM SOLVER AND TEAMMATE AND SO ON

LIKE I AM SO ISOLATED AND NO ONE WOULD CARE IF

okay that's not true (probably)

BUT STILL I AM A FAT LITTLE HUMAN GRUB WHO IS GOING NOWHERE FAST

MAYBE I COULD FIND A MENTOR SMALL BUSINESS OWNER ONCE WE MOVE

BUT WHY THE FUCK WOULD THEY WANT TO ASSOCIATE WITH MEEEEEEE

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO ASSOCIATE WITH ME

yknow being alive at this point in time where humans can't shed their physical bodies and become part of a cyber society is super inconvenient and if/when I get the chance to rejoin this general plane of existence I am not sure I'll be joining anything within a thousand years of this fucking nightmare of a period

all that in mind it would suck to only serve up pixels to my patrons so perhaps further back would be better

but I'd have to come back as a man, the female experience up to now just ain't it

god my dad is up and about now

I love the guy and I don't want to write anything that a therapist could someday find and be like 'okay bitch to the hospital you go' BUT a huge reason we're moving is my dad... I'll leave it at that

UGHHHHH husband

husband please come home to me

I am a mess

I was literally on the phone with him yesterday morning cuz I don't really sleep and I was so exhausted I was just sobbing nonsense about missing him and telling him all my intrusive thoughts as word vomit and I know he's got enough on his plate and I shouldn't be letting him know these pretty dangerous thoughts and fears of mine but oh well he's my fucking soulmate and he signed up for the bullshit so who am I not to deliver a big STEAMING PLATE OF IT

._.

God

I am so annoying wtf

wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF

I don't think I've REALLY partaken in the ol SH nonsense I love but I've generally not been kind to my self either

Like the face picking alone man...

I think I've given myself small keloids near my nose crease

and I've picked so much at the corner of my mouth it like keeps cracking open and man oh man that shit be hurtin

I was so puffy this afternoon when I woke up from all my crybaby antics that I legit wasn't sure if I was blind for a second

I should probably take my blood pressure and anxiety medications but yknow what I don't really FEEL LIKE IT BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO ABUSE THEM WHILE I AM NOT WITH MY HUSBAND BECAUSE I CAN'T TRUST MYSELF TO AKE THE RIGHT CHOICES

even the like 2ish ounces of shrooms I'm sitting on right now are locked up cuz I don't wanna shroom my brain away

like I did before going to rehab last year lmao

oh lord

that whole thing was so cringe, I hate how much I think about it

super awful experience but it could've been a lot worse I suppose

lmao this girl that roomed with me for like the last day or so was super funny and I feel like we'd be good friends but I am fucking weird and awful so it took me like over a year to reach out over text cuz she gave me her number but didn't give mine and idk if she even remembered me but she seems open to chatting but I AM FUSDHFGLSIDAGHFKHSD FUCKING CREEPY AND UGLY AND FAT and I just don't think I'd be doing any favors by continuing to try to engage her

plus I think she's a bit younger than me so she prolly doesn't feel the urge to socialize with me

oh good god I need to shower

Idek when I last did I basically just do rinses and stuff when I can because A N X I E T Y

it's not even just showers ffs it's everything

even moving the mouse plugged into my laptop is too much effort sometimes, I'll just leave my stupid Stardew game on pause and just sit here because it feels oh so taxing

._.

I hate myself, that's all, I'm done for now, toodles ♥

[writingitallaway]

Note 1:

I've been thinking about you a lot. I mean I never really stopped probably ever since the day we started talking. I really did fall for you before and I tried soooo hard to move on from you because I know you like someone else and I didn't want to be bitch crazy about it and whatever we had was old news to you back then. And at some point I thought I did move on already, I thought ahhh okay we're friends, we're just awesome friends, I can do that. But I realized that I never really succeeded on that plan. I think you cant ever be just a friend to me because I will always have these feelings for you. But it's okay, i told myself I'll just silently admire you like this because at least we're still talking and I still get to know how your days are going. It's like how I met your mother but im ted mosby and youre my robyn scherbatsky. Whenever I said I was no longer as crazy for you as before, I felt like I was lying to myself. But I think it's true that I am not as crazy, bec now I'd accept it if you don't like me, unlike before where I'd get upset and push loool dumbass. But thing is, that doesn't even matter, what matters is I really care about you like I sincerely genuinely honestly do. I always have wished to be there with you physically and hug you when you get sad as shit like this, when you need someone to cry to, when your heart breaks, when the people you love leave you broken, when you feel like there's nothing else going right anymore, when you feel like you don't matter, I really want to actually be there for you. Last night when you told me about feeling suicidal a month ago, I really bursted into tears because wtf. It pains me when you think of disappearing just like that. I know we've never met irl but the thought of you gone pains me like shit. I haven't known you for a long time but I don't need a long time to care about you. And i hate that i cant do anything for you whenever your thoughts go that way. Earlier today I actually read the conversations that we had from the very start and I couldn't help but think that damn day 1 was like soooo far from how we're already interacting rn hahaha youre so special to me and i wanna let you know that you give me so much happiness just by talking to me and chatting with me. I was even laughing just reading it. You give me so much light because that's what you are. I wish I could shine back some to you. I also got to read the part where you promised the date thing 2 years from now so yeah you cant run from that. And the part about you realizing stuff about valuing yourself. I really am looking forward to how youll progress as a person. I want to be there for you even if it hurts me. I want you to know that I believe in you. I may be as small as that grain of sand in the vast ass ocean but I believe in you and I care about you and I always want to remind you thats theres still a lot to see out there, theres still more to this life, theres still so much to experience and you and i are both lucky to actually be alive at this very moment, some are in pain and holding on to dear life, bidding good bye to their loved ones even if they don't wanna go yet, but we arent dealing with that right now. Imagine that. So we are still lucky okay? Plus you still owe me a date and the best sex ever hahaha ok im kidding i swear i mean if you fall for someone else then ill just watch you be happy, ill cry for like 6 months hahaha but ill still stay and clap for you and still be there to support you even if you wont need me anymore. I literally wrote that in my diary lol. Youre only 28 and youre capable of doing so much more. It's never too late to get back up. You told me it's okay to break bec that will make us stronger. ((Ok so i made a new note on my phone after this bec idfk where this is going like my mind just wandered off and it wasnt just leading to what i actually wanna say hahaha hence note 2))