#at least i have this week off hopefully we can get some meds and all relax!!!

[geneticcatalyst]

i miss my ocs i need to do something with them !

[steddieas-shegoes]

Request: ok so listen; so Steve Harrington who didn't tell anyone he gets into a medical school (Indiana University School of medicine) but he travels to school during the week and Mike finds the graduation letter in Steve's apartment. He graduated as a premed student with a full scholarship to Harvard Medical school for the trauma surgeon program. The party realizes that their constant jokes making fun of Steve's intelligence caused him to not tell them about this. I want a mixture of angst with a full proper apology & a few years later him graduating from Harvard with the party cheering him.

MY LOOOOOOVE!!!! Nothing gets me going quite like a secret super smart Steve Harrington. Is it OOC? Maybe. But writing Steve as a fucking Harvard Med School graduate!!! A whole trauma surgeon!!!! YES!!!!! I obviously had to put some Steddie in there, mostly because Eddie deserves a happy ending, too and any chance I have to give him one, I will. - Mickala ❤️

---------------------------------------------

Steve was late. He’d been late a lot recently.

Mike started driving a few weeks ago, got his hands on Nancy’s car since she was busy traveling the world now, and he’d been quick to pick up the slack.

But he was growing impatient.

When they asked Steve why he was late, he shrugged it off, said he forgot. Everyone just went with it because obviously Steve’s kind of scatterbrained and a few fries short of a happy meal, especially after the head trauma.

But Mike was suspicious.

Steve let it go a little too easily.

And Eddie hadn’t stuck up for him like he usually did when they were teasing his intelligence.

Mike was letting himself into Steve’s apartment, using the key that he kept under the mat so the kids always had a place to go if they needed it.

He wasn’t home yet, but Mike had just been to Family Video and he wasn’t there either. Apparently, hadn’t been in at all today. Keith said something about ‘taking the day off for exams.’

Steve wasn’t in school though, so that meant he was lying and Mike wanted to know what he was lying about.

He looked at the counter, saw a large stack of mail, and decided that was probably a good place to start his search.

Most of it seemed like junk, a few bills, a letter from Robin, and an envelope that was torn open already from Indiana University.

If it was already open, it was fair game. That was his motto, at least.

He pulled out a thick stack of papers.

The seal in the corner of the first page said School of Medicine.

Was Steve sick? Had he started seeing the university doctors because of some weird problem with his head? Maybe that’s why he’d also been so forgetful lately.

Maybe they put him on a new medication trial or something and it was a side effect.

But he kept reading and felt his chest cave in.

Dear Mr. Steven J. Harrington,

It is a great honor to announce your successful completion of the pre-med degree program at Indiana University. Your incredible tenacity has proved that you’re prepared to work through any medical school program in the country.

Graduation is currently set for May 18, 1989. Please contact your advisor to reserve tickets by April 28, 1989.

Thank you for trusting Indiana University with your education. We look forward to seeing your accomplishments in the future!

“Holy shit.”

“Why are you reading my mail?”

Mike jumped at Steve’s voice. He’d been so busy reading the letter, he hadn’t heard the front door to the apartment open.

“You’re going to med school?”

“Hopefully, yeah.”

“What the fuck?”

Steve rolled his eyes and made his way to the fridge, grabbing a can of soda for himself.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, like. You’re. You’re you. How are you going to med school?”

Steve’s brows furrowed as he leaned against the counter and sipped at his drink.

“I graduated from pre-med as valedictorian. I’m not sure what you’re asking.”

“You? Valedictorian? You barely got through high school!”

Steve rolled his eyes.

“I hated high school. I was going through a lot of shit. It wasn’t because I’m stupid.”

Mike’s mouth was gaping like a fish, confused at literally everything that was happening.

“But-“

“I also just got into Harvard on a full scholarship if we’re gonna put it all out there. I was gonna tell everyone this weekend at El’s birthday party but I’m sure you’re about to run to tell them all.”

Well, how could he not? Steve had been hiding going to college for years! He was about to move to Harvard!

“Wait! Is Eddie going with you?”

“Yeah. We found an apartment over a record store and the owner hired him to run the store while he transitions into retirement.”

Mike felt like he was in an alternate universe. There was no way Steve Harrington was going to be a doctor. There was no way Eddie and Steve were moving to Boston.

There was no way he was leaving all of them.

“But. But what about us?”

“You guys are all practically adults. You barely even hang out with me anymore unless it’s to get a ride or get snacks for Hellfire. You didn’t even notice I was driving to and from campus for years. I think I’ve given enough of myself to people who don’t seem to want it,” Steve shrugged, looking down at the floor.

Mike wanted to scream, he wanted to cry, but he also kind of just wanted to hug Steve and tell him that wasn’t true.

But it kind of was, wasn’t it?

They’d all taken advantage of Steve’s kindness for years. He’d been the best damn babysitter they could have, saved their lives multiple times, gave them money for the arcade and dates and pizza for pool parties when he lived in his old house.

They grew to just expect it.

He didn’t even know the last time he’d heard anyone say thank you. He certainly hadn’t said it in a long time.

“But, Dustin will be devastated.”

“He’ll be okay. He’s gonna go to MIT when he graduates and he’ll be right around the corner or something. I dunno. He hasn’t even called me just to talk in months. I don’t think he’ll miss me that much.”

Which just. It wasn’t true. Mike knew for a fact that Dustin would be heartbroken about Steve leaving.

“I.”

“It’s fine. Eddie’s gonna be home soon so if you wanna wait for him that’s fine. I’m gonna go shower and get an early night. Been up since three this morning.”

“Did you really have exams?”

“What?”

“I checked to see if you worked today and Keith said you had exams,” Mike said shakily, feeling entirely off balance.

“Oh. I just had to do an entrance exam for Harvard. They let me take it on IU’s campus since I can’t move until two weeks before classes start.”

Mike nodded once.

This was really happening. Steve was leaving.

Steve was going to Harvard.

He was taking Eddie with him.

And not a single one of them had bothered to notice any of it happening.

————————

“I told you I don’t know! I’m giving you everything I have!” Mike yelled at Dustin, who was pacing and clearly trying not to cry.

“It just doesn’t make sense! He always acted like he didn’t understand half of what we were saying when we talked science stuff!” Dustin yelled as he walked back and forth across the floor, wearing a pattern into the carpet.

“Maybe it’s because we’ve always just assumed he’s dumb. I mean, none of us really treated him like he could keep up, so maybe he just. Didn’t,” Lucas shrugged.

“He could’ve told us!”

“Or maybe he didn’t want to since we all thought he’d be lying,” Max added from her chair in the corner.

“He could’ve proved it!”

“Maybe he didn’t want to have to,” Eddie said as he walked in the room.

Hellfire was at Dustin’s tonight, and Eddie had been late.

His sudden appearance made them all cower where they sat or stood.

“No Hellfire tonight. I was gonna call, but had to drive by here anyway. Steve’s having a bad night and I’m pretty certain it’s your fault, so I’m gonna go try to get him through it.”

It was a bit harsh, but not undeserved.

“Why didn’t you tell us, Eddie?” Dustin asked quietly.

“It wasn’t for me to tell. He was going to when he got accepted into IU, and then you guys spent most of that night telling him he wouldn’t understand what you were talking about with your group science project so he kept it to himself. Then he just decided it wouldn’t be worth trying to explain anything since you wouldn’t believe him anyway. He asked me not to say anything until he announced his graduation and Harvard this weekend, so I didn’t.”

“But we would have been proud of him! He could have shown us his acceptance letter or something.”

“That’s not how you made him feel,” Eddie shrugged before turning back towards the door. “We’ll see you at El’s party.”

When Eddie left, the room was silent.

Everyone was deep in thought, trying to unpack everything.

With Hellfire canceled, they didn’t have much of a reason to stick around, but none of them felt like being alone.

Not when they started to realize that Steve was kind of the glue that held them all together and without him, they may not ever be whole again.

—-----------------------

El’s party was simple, just the usual guests and some cake and balloons. She didn’t like a big thing, usually preferred to have a sleepover with Max and just do their nails and listen to music.

Joyce insisted on having a little get together though, said it would be nice to celebrate something since they hadn’t really since Will’s birthday.

Steve was there, holding Eddie’s hand in the corner, talking with Hopper while Eddie talked with Joyce.

Steve told them everything when they got there since the kids knew, and while he knew Joyce and Hopper were happy for him, for both of them, they could send their shock.

All of the kids had hesitantly hugged Steve when they got there, barely saying anything to him, unsure where they stood.

Steve felt like he was closing the book on his life in Hawkins, and he hated that it felt like no one would join him in the next one except for Eddie.

Throughout the day, the kids would find their way up to him to just be close, soak in Steve’s energy, try to appreciate him now because they clearly hadn’t been before.

He let them. He could have told them to go away, or tried to talk them into apologies, but it wouldn’t do any good right now, and he didn’t want to ruin El’s birthday party.

Eddie could tell he wasn’t himself, though. He saw the way Steve’s eyes dropped down to his lap every time one of the kids would walk away from his side, how his leg started bouncing when things were quiet for more than a few seconds.

“You wanna head out?”

“I-”

“Steve? Can we talk to you for a minute?” Lucas asked, the rest of the party behind him watching with wide eyes.

“Oh. Sure.”

Eddie patted his knee and stood up, but Lucas gestured for him to sit back down.

“You, too. We owe you both explanations and apologies.”

So, Eddie sat. He would support Steve through whatever this conversation entailed, and maybe get something else out of it too.

“We all want to take turns saying stuff, but I wanna start,” Lucas said, playing with his hands nervously.

Steve nodded, always more patient than the kids deserved.

“I always saw you as the jock, ya know? Like, I respected you because you were a great basketball player and you had a lot of friends. I just kind of thought that was who you were, even after high school. You always made time to help me over the summer, even when you’d just worked an opening shift or had to go in for a closing shift. I didn’t really consider you an adult, even though you were. You were just there. You protected me, all of us, from some of the scariest shit any of us will ever have to deal with without even taking a second to consider your own safety. You just did it. And I don’t really think any of us thanked you. None of us would be here without you.”

Lucas was biting his lip, trying not to cry as he wrapped up his speech, but didn’t get a chance to start before Will started talking.

“I haven’t spent as much time with you as the rest of these guys have. But I know that you’re always there. You give me a ride when my mom can’t and you always slip me an extra $1 or 2 when we go to the arcade because you know I don’t have much. You hung up my art on your apartment wall even though it sucks and isn’t your style because you wanted me to know that someone supports me. You’ve been one of the only constants in our crazy lives, and we haven’t done nearly enough to show that we appreciate you,” Will wiped his eyes quickly as he turned away to let someone else speak.

“Billy was an asshole to all of us, but especially to you. You could’ve walked away that night, left Lucas and me to defend ourselves or die trying, but you didn’t. You knew he was a racist piece of shit and you got another concussion just so he wouldn’t lay a hand on us. That was the first time I ever had someone stick up for me like that. And after everything with Vecna, you were the one who always checked in, made sure I had rides to appointments, had food I could easily make when my mom wasn’t around, brought me to the skate park as soon as I was cleared by my doctor. I’ve never had someone who cared so much like you do and I’m sorry I didn’t know how to show you that it meant so much to me,” Max said seriously.

Steve was sniffling, and Eddie knew if he tried to comfort him too much right now, it would just make it worse. He squeezed his hand and wiped the tear falling down his cheek as the kids continued.

“I hated you for the longest time. I thought it was your fault Nancy changed, and then I thought it was your fault when Nancy and Jonathan got together, and then I just hated everyone and everything for a while. But I think it was just easy to use you to blame everything on because you let me. You just let me treat you like shit. You let me complain about your driving while you drove me anywhere I wanted to go. You let me blame you for Nancy being upset about the break up when she was the one who hurt you most. You let me think you were stupid when you’re brilliant enough to go to Harvard on a full scholarship. You let all of us take advantage of you and I don’t know why, but I wish I could turn back time and not let you do that. You didn’t deserve to be used by any of us, but especially me,” Mike said surprisingly sincerely.

In fact, Eddie watched Mike take a few deep breaths like he was holding back a sob.

“I am sorry for how we all treated you, Steve. I did not know that we hurt you. Dad said sometimes the people who hurt the most are the people who accept hurt as the way they are supposed to be treated, but that is not true. You should be loved so much, like Eddie loves you, by everyone. We should have done better,” El said as she held Max’s hand.

Dustin had been incredibly quiet, hiding in the back, not even looking up from the ground. Eddie could tell he wanted to say something, but probably didn’t know how to start.

It was no secret that Dustin was Steve’s favorite kid. It was also no secret that Dustin loved Steve like a brother, maybe even more, and that if Steve was upset, Dustin would want to make it right.

“I never had someone to look up to until you came around,” Dustin started, still not looking up from the ground. “My mom always felt bad that she didn’t give me a good role model or a brother or sister to look up to. But when you started watching over me, she felt like it was better this way. ‘That Harrington boy is special.’ That’s what she says all the time. And I guess I got used to her saying it and just didn’t think anything of it anymore. Like, yeah, you’re great. You do all kinds of stuff for me and for all of us, but it just felt like you wanted to so what made it so special? When Mike told us everything, it hit me that even if you wanted to do all that stuff, you still deserved a thank you. You went out of your way to make us safe and happy, and our only way to repay you was to constantly put you down and bully you. We spent years calling you out for what an asshole you were in high school while we ended up being assholes to you. You’re my brother and I haven’t been good to you. I’m sorry.”

Eddie was watching as Steve finally let out a sob he’d been holding in for too long. He pulled him into his chest, watching as the kids all wiped tears of their own away.

He knew the kids were genuinely sorry, he could tell that when faced with the reality of the way they treated Steve for years now, they felt terrible. But he also knew that Steve let it go on too long without saying something, and that it would take a while for him to really figure out a good balance of being there for the kids he loved and setting boundaries he needed to set long ago.

“Can you give him a minute guys? I’m sure he wants to talk to you all, but I think he just needs to calm down.”

The kids all nodded and scurried away.

They weren’t kids anymore, was the thing. They would always be kids to Steve, though. That’s why this was hurting so much. They were his nuggets, and they’d been unintentionally hurting him for years.

Steve had been so excited to tell them about getting into a pre-med program at IU, and when he couldn’t tell them, he changed. He was withdrawn in ways Eddie had never seen or expected. He was focused on school, and their relationship, but nothing else. He would go through the motions of driving the kids where he could when he could, throwing the occasional pool party, keeping up appearances.

He’d been exhausted for two years now. Running on fumes for miles, no end in sight. Until he got his acceptance into Harvard.

Eddie had never seen him so happy or proud of himself.

But the happiness faded quickly when he realized what telling the kids would mean, what going to Harvard would mean.

It meant moving, it meant leaving the kids, it meant spending the next 6-8 years so focused on school and residency that he probably wouldn’t have time to visit much outside of major holidays. It meant hoping that Eddie would come with him, support him, and love him regardless of the limited time he had to spend outside of school.

But Eddie would be there for every moment. He’d worked so hard, and Eddie wanted to be there for him every step of the way.

The kids would understand. They were almost graduated at this point, probably heading off to college themselves, and had their own lives to start.

“I wish I’d just told them about IU.”

“I know, sweetheart. But we can’t change the past. You’ve got such an amazing future ahead of you. Everyone is gonna be so proud of Dr. Steve Harrington.”

Steve smiled at that as Eddie dried his tears away.

When he’d calmed down completely, he walked over to where the kids were sitting on the porch.

He stood in front of them with his hands on his hips, a small smile on his face.

“If I forgive you all, will you stop looking like I just stole your ice creams and kicked your puppies?”

Dustin was the first to jump up and run into Steve, sobbing when Steve’s arms wrapped around him.

“It’s alright, bud. I love you, even when you’re a shithead, okay?”

All of the kids piled into Steve’s arms and around his back, all of them crying as Steve started telling them all about his program.

“I’m going to be a trauma surgeon. I was always pretty good at patching everyone up after Upside Down shit, so I figured why not make it a career? And I placed so high on the entrance testing, they suggested I go for pre-med instead of the EMT program. One of my professors my first semester suggested being a surgeon, so that’s the track I took.”

The kids looked at him in awe, like they were seeing him in a new light.

Eddie thought maybe they were finally seeing the Steve he’d seen all along.

—---------------------------------

May 11, 1997

“Steven Joseph Harrington, MD, summa cum laude.”

The cheers from his group were so loud, but they all ignored the dirty looks from the surrounding family and friends.

Steve Harrington was a Harvard graduate, a graduate with the highest honors, a trauma surgeon who already accepted his first position in a nearby hospital.

Everyone was so proud of him.

Wayne and Eddie had arranged for everyone to either ride in a rental car with Wayne or fly in to surprise Steve for his graduation.

He could see Steve look up into the crowd when he heard the screams, could see the grin spreading across his face as he realized his whole family was here to support him, just as they had been for the last eight years.

Everything Steve wanted and worked for was coming together, and everyone who believed in him was here cheering him on.

He was the best damn babysitter those kids had, and now he’d be the best damn trauma surgeon Boston Children’s Hospital would ever have.

[ladybirdswritings]

BEAUTY AND THE HYBRID - Klaus Mikaelson Fanfiction

summary: the slip of burlap rope brings an unsuspecting girl into the arms of a vicious, bloodthirsty creature.

warnings: mentions of ab*se, stockholm syndrome, captivity, dea*h, and violence.

next chapter <3 | ao3 | tag list

one

"Oh fuck yeah!"

"Birdie!"

My face tints a rose-like pink, burning at my cheeks as I scold my sister with wide eyes. She is happy today, and that's rare for us. Regardless, happy or not, her sailor's mouth never fails to mortify me. The patrons of this syrup scented diner stare for a moment, but return to their meal soon enough.

Birdie is fourteen today, and her eyes are eager and swimming with starvation as she inhales the powdered sugar air. I can't really afford this, not right now at least. Probably not tomorrow either, but today is her birthday. She'll only be fourteen once and- mom would have done the same thing. In fact, mom did do the same thing. Many times for me. When I turned twelve, we snuck into a cake shop and ate each sugared treat cased in glass displays. That was my favorite birthday.

I am not brave enough or- stupid enough to steal from anyone else. I have done enough of that this week.

"Dude, they have french toast coated in chocolate syrup."

Birdie is drooling now, I smile at her.

"Whatever you want, Birdie."

It's sad, how this is like Christmas for her. A warm meal at a shitty Mystic Falls Diner for the big one four. I will do more, soon. This however, it will be dealt with if I just take over Riley's night shift at the Grille- she won't mind the time off anyways.

The waitress is a strawberry blonde, her legs seem to go for miles. Her eyes are a pretty blue and her smile is tinted pink. Birdie wastes no time.

"Chocolate syrup french toast please! Heavy emphasis on the chocolate syrup... Ooh! And a stack of four pumpkin pancakes with whipped cream and lots of bacon and eggs on the side. Some orange juice too."

The waitress stifles her grin as she jots Birdie's order down on yellow pad paper.

"And for you?"

Birdie looks at me hopefully. I gaze into her eyes for a moment and pretend that my next words will be a request of pumpkin pancakes too.

"Oh that's everything, I'm not hungry."

Guilt floods them,

"I can hold off on the pump-"

"No Birdie, really I am not hungry."

I'm starving. My stomach growls in protest, luckily quiet enough for only me to hear. Birdie believes me, at least I hope she does as she sinks back into the booth.

The waitress smiles sympathetically, nodding once before scurrying off.

Birdie is impatient, drumming her fingers on the cherry wood as we wait. It isn't just the food she's impatient for. She groans.

"Ahhh- apple! C'mon- can't we just take a two second peek at what's in the big dumb thing?"

My brows twitch in discomfort and urgency, and I lift my finger to hush her. Maybe what that man said was all just to scare me, maybe he thought it was funny. It is the month of halloween after all, I have learned in my years here how serious all of Mystic Falls takes it. Still, I don't wan't to take any chances.

I shake my head at her,

"No. Not happening. That dude told us to keep this locked tight under all circumstances."

Birdie only rolls her eyes at that,

"Pfft. That guy was probably just trying to scare us. Ooh! I bet its drugs, or illegal weapons! Or illegal drug weapons!"

I shush her again.

"It doesn't matter what it is, it's not ours. I'm not opening it. I need it safe till midnight, till I get the payout and we get the hell out of Mystic Falls."

Birdie frowns, eyes gazing at the lonely jack-o-lantern glowing golden on the concrete outside.

"You think all that money is gonna buy us real fancy meds for dad? Like ones that'll get him better quickly?"

I wince at the question, I want to say yes but I truthfully don't know. He's worsened this month, I only hope these days. So does Birdie. It's her birthday, I can't make her sad.

"I'm sure we'll figure it out, we always do. Dad's gonna be fine. We're gonna have lots of money, money for medicine and money for unlimited pumpkin pancakes until you're at least forty three."

Birdie nods in agreement with that statement, "fuck yeah." she whispers. She tries to keep it discreet but, I hear it anyways. I ignore it.

The strawberry blonde waitress returns, juggling Birdie's food on a golden arm. She places four plates down in front of my lanky sister, her eyes light up like a million fireworks have ignited within them.

"Brought you a coffee pot sugar, its on the house."

The waitress, Karen, she smiles softly and it's warm like the coffee pot. She throws pink packets of sugar and small cups of cream in front of me. It'll keep me awake, I'm grateful. I thank her as I pour the bitter drink into the mug and breathe in the aroma.

Birdie is devouring her food as if it will up and leave her.

"My my, all this food. Today a special occasion?" Karen inquires, I nod with a warm grin.

"It's her birthday."

Karen gasps, "A birthday!? Well how old are you sweetheart? Old enough to pay the bill?" She jests.

Birdie shakes her head, teeth crushing a mixture of chocolate whipped pumpkin toast topped with bacon and egg. Whatever she could fit in her mouth. "Nope. Fourteen." She speaks muffled with a mouth full of food- her words are hardly audible, masked by her chewing. I repeat it to the waitress.

"Well then, a birthday calls for a special treat don't it? I'll go get one."

I nod gratefully, "Thanks. Hey um- do you guys have a bathroom?"

She points to the right and I slide out of the booth-gripping the white oak case in my hands. I'll bring it with me. I would be a fool to lose it, let alone leave it with my very occupied sister. I almost don't believe it's anything of importance, probably just some cruel prank. My intuition reminds me just how too good to be true it sounds. Yet, I am hopeful this month. So I'm playing along anyways.

My eyes are glued to the case as I walk right, so much so that I don't see the polished boots in front of me. I gasp, accepting the fate of the floor before it even greets me. We never meet. I clutch on to the fabric smelling of maple and bourbon. It tethers me, lifting me to my feet.

It is silent, I meet ice blue eyes.

Christ...

They bore past my very being, into something I don't even see myself. My soul, maybe. He is tall, tall enough that it makes me feel quite small. He has golden brown hair that curls at the tips, and golden brown stubble that surrounds pink lips. His eyes, they're all I see.

I stumble, he steadies me again with two strong hands.

"Holy shit!" Birdie calls, maybe amused- maybe relieved. She saw that, everyone saw that. My cheeks are pink again, as are the tips of my ears. The man's eyes wander around us, and it seems like that is enough for everyone. They all mind their business and return to their meals. As if he just cast a spell to detour their gazes.

His hands still grasp me as his eyes devour my composure.

"Are you all right?" His voice is like honey, stuck in a glass pot but glazing sweetness dripping from the very lid. It is deep, accented. He isn't from here.

I can't speak, I feel like I am crushed under his boot, the same one I tripped over. I only nod.

He releases me, slowly.

His eyes remain on mine, until they don't. He peers at the white oak case with an expression I cannot begin to describe. I watch him for a moment, analyzing. Fear strums at my core... its familiarity- I think. Or maybe I am just paranoid. I gulp, bending down to collect the case in my hands in an instant before he gets the chance to. I gaze at it, praying my fall didn't disrupt whatever lay inside.

He gazes at it too.

I have to speak now, otherwise I will be stuck frozen here.

"I apologize I um- I should have been paying more attention."

He doesn't tear his gaze away from the case. Not at first, for a moment that seems far too long for me to stomach. He breaks, eventually and a part of me is relieved but it seems a bigger part of me wishes he would just return his stare toward the case again. His eyes feel like they're burning through me. Like as if I try and speak again, my voice will falter to nothingness.

"You're alright, sweetheart. On you go."

Sweetheart. It calms the nerves. I nod gratefully, but his eyes returning to what is grasped in my hands just reminds me of why exactly I should be stepping rather than shaking. A gulp, then I am on my way, feet clashing against the noir tiles. Birdie is accompanied by the waitress, I catch glimpse in a napkin holder and sigh in relief as I push through the faded blue door.

I am eager to release the case from my burning hands, I was gripping it tight enough to callous my reddened palms. I throw it on the ceramic sink as the faucet squeaks, my trembling hands splash my pink face with warm water. I heat even more.

The mirror greets my pallid features, sunken in with exhaustion and hunger. It also meets my eyes, swimming with a melting pot of emotions. My breaths are shallow and labored, and my heart is pounding on its cages.

I splash my face again and yet? I cannot shake the feeling that this won't be the last time I see that man again...

[vernxnsfool]

vocal unit when you have a headache

gender neutral reader, fluff

jeonghan

he would fully be trying to start a play argument with you over some bs

you would try to snap back at him playfully, but it didn’t come out as playful anymore

he would immediately be taken aback, letting a few seconds pass so he doesn’t retort back at you, as he now sees there is an underlying emotion behind this for you

softly he would come over to you & ask “what’s wrong, y/n?”

you let out a long sigh before telling him about the stupid headache you have that won’t go away.

he pouts back at you teasingly before asking if you want cuddles or to be left alone

hopefully you want cuddles bc that’s exactly what’s happening rn

he pulls you on top of him, and you nuzzle your face into his neck as he gently plays with your hair.

the sigh of comfort you let out is enough for his heart to melt, and a satisfied grin lays on his face as you two lie there.

joshua

as soon as he finds out you have a headache he’s immediately guiding you to the washroom & starting a bath for you.

you’ve been with eachother for a while so he knows your favorite way to get read of a tension headache is when you take a peppermint oil infused bath

which is exactly what he prepares for you. after testing the water temperature he gives you the sweetest smile as a kiss on the forehead before letting you relax on your own- unless you specifically ask him to join you. he leaves the door cracked so you can tell him when you’re done so he can help you get ready for bed. he doesn’t want you to have to do any work when you have a headache.

while you’re relaxing he’s laid your his comfiest pajamas out on the bed for yo and turning the fairy lights in the living room on to ‘warm’

if you got your hair wet he is waiting for you as soon as your done to gently comb through your hair as he sits behind you on your bed. he offers to help you get dressed & then carries you to the couch, where he proceeds to pamper you with soft kisses and words of affirmation until your headache subsides or until you fall asleep

woozi

we all know this man likes to overwork himself. so you try to visit him at his studio once a week with his favorite snacks to get him to at the very least take a break

but sometimes you are so convincing he actually leaves the studio “early” 🙄 to spend more time with you at your apartment

but today when you brought him his snacks, and he tried to pull you onto his lap, you put your hand on his chest to keep the distance.

he was surprised at first but when you told him about the headache you’ve had for most of the day his eyes soften.

he immediately saves his drafts and turns his computer off

he also turns his led’s to a warm color and turns the brightness down before taking you to his sofa and holding onto you as tight as he can.

dokyeom

soft bc would be devastateD that you weren’t feeling well

you try to reassure him that it will be fine after you take pain meds / you tell him you’ll just wait it out

he doesn’t want to have to make you wait so he offers to dull the pain by giving you a head massage.

checks on you every so often to see if he needs to change anything that he’s doing. after your responses he gives you a quick kiss on your forehead before returning to what he was doing.

won’t stop until you tell him to. man’s would keep going until his arms were numb if that meant you even felt 1% better

to stop him, you take his wrists and kiss both of his hands before turning to kiss him as thanks.

seungkwan

another sassy boy

he knows that you like a lot of cuddles whenever you are in any sort of discomfort. with this and knowing that your headache is more of a nuisance than actual pain right now, he takes it upon himself to tease you

you would wordlessly tug at his arm trying to get him to cuddle you on the couch

“hm? i don’t know what you want, y/n. you’ll have to use your words”

you sigh but eventually give in

“please, will you hold me seungkwan. i really want your cuddles.”

hides the absolute pounding of his heart in his chest behind a smug smile before leading you to the couch, and laying the two of you in whatever your favorite cuddle time position is.

kisses your forehead before playing with your hair.

finally let’s a grin break out only after you close your eyes

a/n: requests are open! :)

back to masterlist

[weezly14]

so i'm not going to respond to any individual asks - this is the blanket response to all the asks i've gotten in the past few weeks asking me when i'm going to update my WIPs, if i've abandoned them, etc. i appreciate the love, i do. i miss dust to dust, and something good and right and real, and i wanna be your boyfriend, too.

i might regret being this honest later, but fuck it, it's my blog and not enough people talk about this shit.

i'm struggling with infertility. emphasis on the struggle. i'm weepy from fertility meds, in the midst of my first treatment cycle, half hope and half fear. we're "unexplained infertility," so there's no reason why it shouldn't work, except it hasn't so far, so hope feels like a dangerous thing.

for anyone who hasn't experienced this, it's a complete and total mindfuck. i don't feel like the same person i was a year ago, before all those negative pregnancy tests. i thought i'd have a baby by now, or at least be pregnant. instead, i have a shitty not even diagnosis, and Options that are both a blessing but also invasive, and expensive, and in no way a guarantee. every month i calculate when the due date would be; think about the events we have planned for next year in terms of where i could be in a pregnancy; and every month, my period arrives right on schedule, if not a day early. i have yet to see a positive pregnancy test. it's "only" been a year, and i'm "so young," but it feels like it's been ages and like i'm running out of time.

we've been forced to have conversations about money, about how far we want to go with treatment, about when we might call it. "it's too early to think about that," you might say, but one cycle of ivf could cost $16k. we have good insurance, but are we willing to undergo more than one egg retrieval? how many failed transfers before we decide the emotional toll is too high? it's better to have those conversations now, before we have to, when we can maybe make clearer decisions. would we consider donor eggs or sperm? surrogacy? what about adoption?

meanwhile, i'm watching friends and acquaintances get pregnant with no problem, as i try not to completely isolate myself and try to track ovulation, as though timing might be the problem.

(it's not.)

i'm not the person i was before all of this, and it sucks. i'm a sadder, smaller person, i think. i'm trying my best. i'm "practicing hope" or some shit, i'm doing my best to keep my head up and stop isolating, stop avoiding my pregnant best friend, stop wallowing in the grief. because it is grief. if i get pregnant, it will be because of fertility meds and doctors, it will happen in a sterile exam room, hopefully with my husband holding my hand, if he can get the time off work. there will be no spontaneous pregnancy, no surprise. there's grief in that, in letting go of what i thought this might be like, how i thought it might go.

so yes, writing fic has fallen by the wayside. not because i want it to. i just have a hard time finding the energy to do even fun things. i miss the person who could write a lot in short spans of time, who had the energy for fic. i'd like to believe i can still be that person again. i don't consider any of those fics abandoned. i've written, i've worked on things.

but, right now, it feels like my entire life, my entire being, is consumed with this struggle to get pregnant. like my life is measured by where i am in my cycle. i look at my calendar and think, that's when i'll get my period or a positive test, so i should be mindful in what i plan. i might be very happy, or i might have a very bad day.

sometimes, the bad days feel eternal.

but i'm doing what i can. i'm trying, anyway. my therapist said i should practice hope, and i'm trying to. i'm trying to let myself believe things might work out. even though the fucking meds have made me weepy as hell, i'm trying to stay positive, and envision that this cycle could work. that on christmas day, instead of my period, i'll get a positive pregnancy test.

(because going home for christmas isn't loaded enough.)

there's an old wives tale that if you wrap a baby blanket and put it under the tree, you'll have a baby by next christmas. i'm jewish, but we're an interfaith household, so we bought a baby blanket, and we're going to wrap it in hanukkah paper, and put it under the tree. we have a hope basket in the nursery - because when we moved into this house we set aside a bedroom to be the nursery, and it's empty except for that little basket of baby things we've collected over the months, in the hopes that one day we'll have a baby to dress in the little onesies or socks. we have a running list of names. this is our version of practicing hope.

this is only our first treatment cycle. things could work. or maybe the next cycle. and then, there's always ivf. some days, i feel like it'll work for us, and we will have a baby, one way or another. other days, i wonder if i shouldn't just spare myself the pain and call it now. it's exhausting, infertility.

so, to everyone who misses my writing, and wonders when i'll update again - i don't know. i miss my writing, too. i miss being the person who wasn't so consumed by fertility shit, who could indulge in hobbies. i'd like to believe i can get back to that. but not this week.

the holidays are joyous but they're also really fucking hard, so let me be your friendly reminder not to ask people when they're having kids, or why they aren't pregnant yet, and to not tell people struggling with infertility to "just adopt" or "just relax."

happy holidays.

[urlocalwhumper]

OK LAST ONE FOR NOW. MAYBE. DEFINITELY NOT FOR GOOD THO LOL I WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY WRITE MORE EVENTUALLY

as always, rayan belongs to @sowhumpshaped

rayan felt horrible.

nana had only been with him for a few days when he noticed that her tail was bothering her. a little glint of pain in her eye whenever it wagged, she way she took great care not to sit or lay on it, and, most recently, how she yelped and flinched away when he, idly fidgeting with her tail while sitting on the couch, brushed his fingers over the unnatural bend near the middle.

he'd wanted to give her at least a week to settle in before taking her to the vet for a check-up, but he also wasn't just going to sit there and let her suffer when she was clearly in pain.

so, off to the vet they went. nana really didn't like it there, she shook like a leaf and stayed glued to his leg for their entire time in the waiting room, and once she was up on the examination table, he had to be at least holding her hand for her to stay somewhat calm.

even the vet winced once her x-rays appeared onscreen.

"oh yeah, no wonder she's in pain." the vet grimaced. "this is a really bad break, the bone is completely shattered around where that bend is." he said, pointing on the screen to what he was talking about.

"this kind of injury... the most likely cause is crushing." the vet glanced at nana's papers and pursed his lips. "repeated impacts. like being stomped on, perhaps."

rayan felt sick. he could tell, from the look in nana's eye and the way she curled further into herself, that the vet's assumption was correct. he trailed a comforting hand across her scalp and pressed a little kiss to the crown of her head.

the vet continued. "either way, for a break this severe, there really isn't much we can do to fix it. your best option is to amputate."

nana went stiff as a board. rayan felt her breathing quicken as she started to whimper under her breath. her loose grip on his shirt turned into an iron vice and she looked up at him with a fearful, pleading gaze.

he continued to scratch at her scalp and behind her ears, soothing and gentle, but internally he was just as frazzled as she was. he was expecting the worst case scenario to be needing to re-break a badly healed bone, not amputating most of her tail.

"can... can we have some time to think about it, please?" he said, wanting to at least get nana out of the examination room and hopefully calm her down.

the vet nodded. "of course. you know how to make an appointment, once your decision has been made."

it took hours for nana to calm down fully. once they returned home, she immediately retreated to her bed, curling up under the blanket like it would hide her from the world. rayan sat beside her, nearly lost for words.

"... i'm so sorry, nana." he said, resting his hand, palm-up, on the edge of her bed. her shaking hand reached out from under the blanket and gripped it tight. "this isn't fair, you shouldn't have to deal with this at all."

he sighed. "... but... your tail's just gonna hurt forever if we don't do anything. and it might even get worse." he squeezed her hand. "getting it amputated is scary, but it's the only option we have."

he felt horrible, trying to convince her like this. he knew that if he was in her position, he'd be just as terrified and reluctant to have a part of him cut off. but, he also knew that, for her health, it needed to be done.

and when he looked over and saw her peering out at him from under the blanket, her eye hesitant but trusting, he knew that she understood too.

nana was a nervous wreck on the day of her surgery. even though he could tell she was trying to be brave, the vet informed him that she wet herself out of fear the moment she was in the prep room, completely separated from him.

but it was finally over. the amputation had been performed with no complications, and now nana was at home - short half a tail and loopy from the meds they'd given her, but no longer suffering from a painful shattered bone.

she was napping at the moment, her head in his lap as he absently pet her hair. he frowned at the bandaged end of her newly shortened tail. it was the right decision, he knew that, but... it was just so unfair. for her to lose most of her tail just because some jackass decided it'd be funny to stomp on it... it made him angry.

angry that such a monster could get a pet license, angry that they'd been so cruel to a pet as sweet and loving as nana, angry that they even existed. it made him so angry that he felt like he could just- !

nana stirred in his lap, mumbling something unintelligible and snuggling further into him. right, he needed to calm down. all of that was in the past now. right now, she was safe and comfortable and happy with him, and that was all that mattered.

[polarisbibliotheque]

Little Updates!

Hahahahaha some new people around, I thought it would be nice to update you guys on my current life status xD

So. For the new people who doesn't already know, I'm collecting a few weird rare chronic illnesses and one of them I still have no idea what it is. Sometimes I'm fine and some other times, things turn upside down and I'm just stone statue Mushu.

The last two months, I started some meds that made my life so much worse. I stopped them about a week ago, but still having collaterals - basically, it's like I had an allergic reaction for two months coupled with the collaterals of the meds, so I'm feeling pretty much horrible hahaha

From what I've read, it takes around a month for the body to get rid of it. So, I'll probably have some ups and downs for the next month or so.

I'm also needing to do another medical exam that is extremely expensive and my health insurance denied to cover the exam costs, basically because they feel like my symptoms aren't bad enough to justify this exam. I'll have to be bleeding and unable to get up from bed for them to approve it (seriously, I'm not exagerating).

Once I can only count on my mom to talk about these things (my dad and my sister have no emotional strength to tank all these issues), we've been talking about what to do, because there's no way we can afford this exam - and, if it's positive, then I'll have to go on a surgery, which is even more expensive and we certainly can't afford that.

Soooo I shut down for a while. I have barely no energy and those things took a toll on me - the time I spent awake, I just wanted to get my mind off things.

I'm starting to get things back on track, though. I'm back on my art mentoring, I'm writing again - hopefully, I'll be able to update Nemesis in no time - and I started a little project I'll be posting about an orginal story of mine at least once a week. I'll detail more in another post, 'cause I didn't expect this one to be so long HAHAHA

Anyways. I live. I'll get to answering all questions and going through my asks, thanks so much for having patience with me, my beloved creatures <3

I'M ALSO ORGANIZING THINGS TO GET ON AO3, I'LL KEEP YOU GUYS POSTED hahahaha

[man-made-object]

really should've posted this earlier but anyways i have a question

you don't need to read past this to vote but if you do it gives a lot of context. would normally cw this due to being about The Bruise (only the first paragraph has the bad shit; i gave a tldr for this paragraph bc of that) but i actually want people to see and vote on this

how my leg is (contains 2 explicit mentions of self harm)

i'm actually gonna correct myself from the last post, in it i thought my bruise is currently at a stage 3 but rereading definitions it's not, it's still stage 2. i wanted to not mention this but i feel like it's extremely important to say i felt this while i was harming. i do not just feel this randomly. just so we're clear. but earlier i felt pain shoot through a couple bones (one at a time). i'm really concerned about it bc i feel like i shouldn't feel my bones, y'know? also in general it's extremely hard to get up and start moving immediately after resting for a while. granted i've always been resting for more than 30 minutes but i'm sure after any point i get up i'll be limping like i fucked with it all over again

tldr: stage 2 bruising, concerned about severity (depth i guess), hard to move around

how work is

the other thing is that i haven't gone to work in 2 full weeks (insomnia/morning vertigo combo from not having meds left). which is just 4 days but i get paid every week so that's 2 missing paychecks. i love my pathetic little $80-130 paychecks :( but to be fair when i'm there i'm on my feet all day. but i'm also genuinely worried about losing my job so i feel like i should go regardless :')

hospital tho...

if i go to the hospital it's for getting the bruise and leg checked out first of all (doctors can't really do shit for bruises but at least check my bones since i felt them). and maybe get some med refills from her since my psychiatrist and pharmacy both kinda fucked me over this month. and we can also finally talk about my thyroid levels. i'll hopefully remember to get a doctor's note for this week at least, idk if they'd tack the other two weeks on there too or not but it'd be wicked if they did.

however: due to going in for a self harm thing (and the whole "being off my meds" thing) there may be a chance that i get put in a psych ward. which... not ideal, but it's a risk i'm willing to take

there are currently like 6 appointment spots for tomorrow in the chart up for grabs but idk the results yet. if i'm going i'd either have to drive myself (an hour there and back, the bruise is on my driving leg) or get my friend to drive me (absolutely no clue if she's busy or not tomorrow).

[hiccanna-tidbits]

AKGHBKUEFYDGJ when I tell you I just BARELY got all my submissions from last year's Hiccanna month in in time for this year's Hiccanna month--

Truly I have levels of procrastination inside me that most college students can only dream of.

So anyways, here's a moodboard for a fic I wrote a full-ass year ago. A moodboard that I made...last week XD Better late than never, I guess?

The fic is We're at the movie scene where everyone drowns, and it's also posted both on my AO3 Infrared_Ultraviolet and my ff.net Infrared-Ultraviolet! Go check it out :3 Hopefully I'll have the time and energy to write more full-length one-shots for Hiccanna month this year, but we will have to see! I'm a working woman now earning the big bank so I can continue to pay my internet bills and maintain the fandom lifestyle XD

Anna gets to have terrible insomnia because she is my beloved projection blorbo and she gets to deal will all of my issues for me <3 But hey, it's not like it doesn't have canon basis! We see that she does in fact have trouble getting up in the morning (enough to make it a running gag!) and is pretty bleary and out-of-it when she does, which could easily be the result of not running on much sleep and (unwillingly) staying up late. We can also see pretty consistently that she's not what would be considered a "morning person" (although I have my doubts such a thing even exists in real life). Anna's pretty heavily ADHD-coded, which often has insomnia as a side effect because your brain will not turn off ever, least of all when you need to sleep. Things like time blindness when you get super into doing something right before bed or existing anxiety and/or paranoia that's exacerbated by the ADHD really do not help, either.

Anyways, I'm here to tell you that the fear of forgetting your sleep meds when you're going on a short trip/crashing at a friend's house is very, very real. Especially since you often don't realize it until everyone else is already dozing off and no one wants to take you to the pharmacy to buy more XD At that point, your options are a) start taking shots in hopes the alcohol drowsiness will put you to sleep or b) lie awake and get bored and angry and hate your life and also have no one else to talk to because everyone else went to sleep in under 5 minutes. Yes, it really is that bad.

The one upside is that there IS the possibility you will get to watch your crush sleep in a non-creepy way (like you didn't seek them out like a stalker--you just can't go the fuck to sleep and they happen to be 5 feet away!) and fawn over how cute they look doing it XD Which is the only thing that gets Anna through the night, I'm pretty sure!

Although being alone with the stars and the creature noises doesn't sound half bad, if you HAVE to stay awake XD Better than staring at the wall of your room, anyways! Still praying for Anna to get that Starbucks the next morning, tho ^^;

Man, I really wish my college campus had had a duck pond with amusing but occasionally aggressive geese. We had some pretty insane squirrels, but staring down a squirrel is just not the same as being chased by a hissing goose. This is something that I think should happen to everyone at some point, to keep humanity humble. Also being followed around by hungry honking geese while you try to evade them and go to class sounds like the exact kind of college shenanigans I needed in my life! Instead of the depression-laden mess it actually was ajnsdlkuhkuedgh

I love the idea of Anna kinda inadvertently memorizing Hiccup's freckle patterns and finding little designs in them, like constellations <3 She pays WAY too close attention to him, and it shows XD I remember back in college I was gone af for this one guy, and I noticed he had this freckle pattern on his cheek that kind of looked like a baseball diamond. And I adored the fuck out of it ;____; If anyone replaced him with a clone who didn't have that little baseball diamond, I would catch on SO DAMN FAST. I imagine Anna would do the same thing with Hiccup XD Ain't nobody swaps Hiccup for a doppelganger without Anna being ON THE FUCK TOP OF IT.

Pretty pleased with how this one came out! I kind of wanted to do a juxtaposition of dark pics with well-lit pics, and I think the end result turned out pretty decent! Also ended up with a green, orange/brown, purple, and black color scheme, which all go together surprisingly well :O

Any modern AU Anna would also definitely own that exact greenish-blue sweater. Just sayin!

As always, pic credits available upon request!

[writingonleaves]

not sure if you’ve addressed this yet or not but how do clem and nico navigate both having busy schedules? also is there anything else you’d like to share because i can never think of questions to ask 😭

omg hey! this is such a great question and one i think about a Lot. it'll definitely be addressed more in part two which will be out .... soon (lol) but here are some of my thoughts about it below! adding a read more bc this will probably be longer than you asked for

i am by no means an expert on med school / residency so i'm basing it off research and some of my friends who are incredible enough to go on the journey to become smart-ass doctors, but that life is Busy for clem, especially because she's technically doing two residencies in one. its not shown much in the first part, but besides being at the hospital and taking classes, clem doesn't really have the energy to do that much besides eat and sleep and occasionally bother jack and luke for shits and giggles lmao

on the other side (during the season at least) nico is, well, a hockey player. his schedule is all out of whack and during his days off, he truly Takes Them Off and usually just lounges around.

when we put them together, it's similar in the fact that they're both so occupied all the time, but then, like you'd imagine, it doesn't overlap much.

tbh, clem's schedule is probably more predictable, despite it being busy. she doesn't really have days off (unless it's after an overnight shift) (which i also could be making up so if any residents are reading this i apologize) but it's more consistent in terms of the times she's home.

so, as these two enter the 2024-2025 season, this time as a couple, it starts with them hanging out on the nights nico doesn't have a game and isn't on the road.

and then from there, it kinda just, works? like ofc they're both busy but they do dedicate one night a week to date night, even if they're just relaxing on the couch together (unless the devils are on a road trip) and clem does try to go to a game when she can to support. usually at least once a month.

but also keep in mind that clem has been around The Hockey Life in one way or another for so long now, so she understands more than most might at the start

logistics aside now, emotionally, as we've (hopefully) seen, clem is pretty independent. she doesn't need to be hearing from nico at all times of the day. if anything, nico is the "clingier" one between them, which is saying a lot because nico is pretty independent too

it takes a bit of trial and error, but they find that honest communication is key, as well as taking the time they do have together to have it be just them (though ofc jack and luke and various other teammates crash, because everyone loves clem, but they find a balance)

it does naturally make things easier that clem lives with jack (and luke) and nico already has a strong friendship with the former (and eventually the latter) so when dates are at the trio's apartment, there's not really much awkwardness or an adjustment period needed.

all in all, it's not easy by any means, and more challenges come up later on which i hope i'll address (being The Captain's girlfriend and getting more involved with the other significant others, the off-season, etc etc) but clem and nico are both mature enough to figure it out, and they love and care about each other enough to want to figure it out, you know?

that was SO long LOL and tbh i might've said a whole lot of nothing but thank you for asking!! these are the kinds of questions i love answering and i hope people like seeing the answers to. writing is great and its lovely, but it can only answer so much without seeming too unnatural, you know?

hmm, idk if i have anything else to add without giving anything away 🙃 maybe that something i've been thinking about a lot is that clementine, for her whole life, has been taking care of others (her mother after her father died, the brothers, her patients etc etc) so it's in her to be nurturing. i think nico is the first person in her life who she lets take care of her. quinn, jack and luke try, and clem tries to let them, but she'll always be their older sister you know? it's different with nico

okay thats enough from me lol. thanks for sending this in anon! i hope you're having a lovely day <3

[polyamorouspunk]

Yooooooooooooooo Good Morning!

i actually woke up feeling better than I have been so my plan is to try to be just a little bit productive. Maybe wash some clothes. Maybe clean up my room. The possibilities are endless!

Also! Last night was my niece’s birthday and I gave her present to her! I got her and I tickets to go see the offspring, sum 41, and simple plan in september! She was so excited that she dive bombed me and almost broke my glasses!! I think I won the birthday this year lol

Oh wow! Amazing! What a line up!

I met some cool people at the concert last night including a guy and his girlfriend who had been a fan of them since they were Chicago locals (he was next to me so I talked to him more than her but she kind of nodded and listened) and a woman who said she was going to let her wife know she was getting out of line with me. I’m not good at starting conversations at concerts really but it seems people always end up talking to me, or I chime in eventually. I hope you both have fun.

I know this was sent like yesterday I think and then I talked to you today. I said I was reading and then going to bed but right as I put my book down everything hit me again and I started getting freaked out again so I figured I’d answer your ask.

My mom put my table back up in my craft room, so I can start working on physical stuff again. Right now I’m working on a series of hand-drawn pride pins. The first one I did was asexual and the design was recycled from the pin I made my cousin for her bag (which I posted on here and sent to you) and it feels very cottagecorey but I made a bisexual one of just flowers and while I’m really happy with the design I feel like it misses the mark of the vibe I’m going for. As a consumer I’m more drawn to greenery and mushrooms vs flowers, but I spent so much time on it I’d hate to scrap it. I’m hoping I can make other ones that really capture that cottagecore feel more, but it’s very hard since I’m trying to focus on realistic things that include those colors in my pride flags. I’m hoping to do some poison dart frogs with the lesbian flag or the rainbow flag maybe, since frogs are cottagecore. But yeah.

I want to start working on my patch pants in case I end up going to SSC. I know I told you originally I was and then I wasn’t going to which I haven’t like announced anywhere because even then I was still thinking “fuck it maybe I’ll just fucking fly up and go” BUT my best friend is trying to plan her wedding reception that week so we can still go BUT I called it off because our other best friend’s brother’s wedding got moved to that weekend and her family is very over-the-top so it’s going to be a all-weekend thing at LEAST and while I’m fine with having her reception on a weekday because I gotta take time off to go up there anyway I know I’m not the only guest. I’d *like* to think I’m the closest thing to a Bride’s Maid of Honor, you know, which was the dream back when I thought we were all cishet but mildly weird, before we were both like “fuck church weddings” and also before she was like “I’m going to get legally married for the tax benefits and shit” so like you know back when I dreamed of being her brides maid of honor. I am racking my brains trying to come up with a good present for her (my literal best friend since I was 5) and I have a few ideas but they’re going to take research and effort. You know I can’t just buy her a post card or like the keychain I got her when we went to pride for her literal wedding present.

Anyway that’s what’s up here I think I’m going to go eat and take my meds and do the self care you told me to do and hopefully by then I won’t feel so jittery.

[whentherewerebicycles]

well this week i am experiencing my first taste of PNW winter aka very foggy drizzly mornings (although luckily the fog is still burning off by late morning and the afternoons are gorgeous). i do think this climate is going to be a bit of an adjustment after having basically 365 days of all-day sunshine for ten years!! but i have my little lightbox set up lol and once we get into actual winter i'm going to try to structure my workday so i can walk the dogs outside in the middle of the day while it's still light out.

mmm some other assorted life updates:

i was worried about the paint color yesterday but i am obsessed with it now. it dried so beautifully and i loveeee how it shifts over the course of the day. i'm definitely going to need better lighting in here and i still need to figure out how i want to put this room together but i love the color!!!

i did end up buying that gorgeous rich hunter green paint last night lol. just a quart of it!! i'm going to paint my little library nook because it'll be quick and easy to do and i think it'll make the white bookshelves really pop. but after this: no more painting for a while.

i have spent so much money in the last 6-8 weeks it does not bear thinking about aaaaaaaaaa. but i should be getting a check for unused vacation from my old job soonish and at least a partial security deposit back from my old landlord and SOMEDAY i will hopefully get my stolen tax return (although i just got another letter from the IRS saying they need to investigate further). all of that should pay off my credit card and at least partially replenish my savings. i took this job so i could spend a lot of money on the move without stressing about it!! it's okay!! and most of the money i am spending is on replacing furniture, appliances, etc i've been using for 7-10 years lol so it's fine it's not like i'm going to continue spending at these levels forever.

my friend is arriving tomorrow evening and that will be fun. i feel like i have gotten just enough solitary time to be ready to host again for a few days. but oh man it will be soooo nice to be able to actually fully settle into my new life next week and start figuring out what my routines will look like in this new place.

i also have one million small life tasks to check off my list today and tomorrow aaaaaaaa. ok let's see. i have meetings from 9:30-11, then after those meetings i'll have a half hour break where i'll try to finish this presentation before my 11:30-12 meeting. after that i want to block off 12-1ish to leave feedback on a student's grad school materials. then i want to do the following things:

finish presentation and send to AS

complete security clearance paperwork

find MC keys and put in an envelope to mail

call CP to schedule telehealth appt for med refill

email NK back

email SO back

email AU back with meeting times

pay TX tolls x 2

submit insurance cancellation paperwork

email HR about vacation days

I have many more little things to do but i think that's about what i can handle today

[the-sweetheart-chronicles]

.˖˳·˖ ִֶָ .˖˳·˖ ִֶָ .˖˳·˖ ִֶָ .˖˳·˖ ִֶָ .˖˳·˖ ִֶָ 𖹭 ִֶָ˖·˳˖. ִֶָ˖·˳˖. ִֶָ˖·˳˖. ִֶָ˖·˳˖. ִֶָ˖·˳˖. ִֶָ˖·˳˖.

9/20/23

I had a really good start to my day but not end to it. I got really high and started having panic attacks im watching the legacy to try and help and playing Minecraft. But I'm just really scared, what if I don't get that position it's fucking embarrassing. I want to jump off a bridge not like actually because I am to scared of that but like meteorically. I just like hate being perceived I hate I wish I could just run away and disappear but at the same time I love what I am built even if it's shitty it's mine. I am also really scared of death, me dying, my mom dying, my pets dying it fucking scares me. I love them all so much and I hate that life is like this. I hate that we can't all be immortal, I hate that innocent animals die and get cancer it's so heartbreaking. I know that people, my ancestors died for me to get here but what if I don't build something, what if I die for nothing and build nothing. I am also really scared I have a tumor on my head, because I have this like spot that I guess I can only describe as a mass on the side of my head behind my ear. It hasn't changed in size but it can move around beneath my skin, just a tiny bit for me to know it's not connected to the bone. I feels like my cartilage in my ear feels tbh. But I don't have a matching spot on the opposite side. I know it's really really stupid of me but I don't want to go to the doctor because I'm scared. Way to scared to admit this to anyone in my life because I know they would make me go to the doctor and I really don't want to. In good news I am going to the Pitt bull concert in a few weeks with my friend, I'm really excited. It's my first concert so idk what to expect really. But I love Pitt bull, Mr worldwide you get me. So I hope it's fun I have to buy the tickets in a bit. I'm paying cause she doesn't like Pitt bull that much but she doesn't hate him so like she's going with me cause we're gonna get really high before. I also forgot to get a refill of my ferrets meds and I haven't been able to call so I feel like SHIT but I'm gonna call tomorrow it's my goal, and I need to ask my new vet if they will give me marshmallow flavoring like the pharmacy otherwise I'll get it from the pharmacy. I'm hoping it's cheaper from the vet, this new vet has a pharmacy inside so it's great! Really expensive place tho, but the ferret rescue in town swears by the exotic vet and I don't trust my old one tbh. I really need to clean my room this weekend like a DEEP clean like a really really deep clean. It's disgusting my depression has gone to far I'm going to force myself out of this slump. At least that's my mindset right now, we will see if I can keep it up. Gonna try tho. It's the weekend I'm gonna try to read some good fanfics I have a really long one with a 2nd part in the works from one of my faves authors on ao3. One of my favorite Tumblr authors have a great new series I want to start I've just been to lazy to read anything long. Best news of all look really hot today, I need to get new jeans becaause I'm losing weight. That's because depression isn't allowing me to enjoy food anymore so I'm just forcing myself to eat things at this point and it makes me want to vomit. I've been drinking protien shakes to, I know because of my heart condition I need to eat but God would my brain just let me enjoy stuff again. Life almost feels full like I'm going through the motions, I mean the most fun I've had in MONTHS is bed rotting for 5 days straight on PTO. I was in heaven. Hopefully writing and watching the Legacies and playing Minecraft works. Trying to make myself so overloaded with formular good stimulation that I can't feel bad anymore.

.˖˳·˖ ִֶָ .˖˳·˖ ִֶָ .˖˳·˖ ִֶָ .˖˳·˖ ִֶָ .˖˳·˖ ִֶָ 𖹭 ִֶָ˖·˳˖. ִֶָ˖·˳˖. ִֶָ˖·˳˖. ִֶָ˖·˳˖. ִֶָ˖·˳˖. ִֶָ˖·˳˖.

[allylikethecat]

Ally!! Can I just say you make my Tuesdays so fun because i know i get to read fics during lunch instead of stressing out over how insurance won’t cover my patients meds!!!!! 😭💀 (in the end they always pay i just have to fight with them for a couple days 🥲)

anyway— i was scrolling on your ao3 and looking at all the fics you have and i know you’ve answered before but how on earth do you decide which one gets an update??? there are so many and all of them are amazing!! how many chapters do you write at the same time and how far along do you have your current wips thought out?

todays chapter has me anxiously waiting to hear what matty and george are going to say to each other i need tears laughs loves hates basically the whole works and it ends with them being a happy family again 😭😭😭 if i were baby i would need more than a drink rn i’d be like “damn i’m staying in here my life is already insane and im not born yet” anyway—i’ll be back after i get off work to talk more

🥤

AHHH Hello my dear Smoothie Anon! As always it is such a joy to hear from you!

I'm so sorry to hear that lunch is usually spent stressing over insurance related matters (why is insurance always the worse? I just thought for two weeks to get Pop's renewed, and then when it came time for me to pay i was ghosted by my agent for a week, I was like WHERE IS MY INVOICE DON'T YOU WANT MY MONEY?! ALL THE CONTRACTS HAVE BEEN SIGNED) BUT I'm glad that a Ducklings update could be a nice little distraction!

What fic gets updated when usually varies - some fics had set update schedules (ex. All the King's Horses was every Friday) and Rid Me of the Blues was the OG Tuesday update fic (and why Tuesdays became a thing in the first place lol) now it's usually just vibes - if you come to my inbox and scream about a certain fic enough I will probably update it sooner, I also have some really great mutuals who make it very known which fic they would like next lol I try and get to the fics that haven't been updated in a while (which is why today was Ducklings instead of On a Friday.) But other times it's just whatever I'm feeling at the moment. I'm sorry for not having a more concise answer! It pretty much just is vibes though 😬

In terms of how far ahead - Ducklings the outline was tossed out months ago and we are just... seeing what happens I have no master plan (if anyone has a master plan please send it my way) but for YKWTCI (which I know hasnt been updated in ages it just makes me feel weird), On a Friday, and Forever. I do have very detailed outlines of each chapter and what is happening next. Little changes might occur but for the most part there is direction and a plot. I usually try and stay at least one chapter ahead when posting but that doesn't always happen. Forever. is the one I am the most ahead in terms of writing and posting because that is what I'm most excited about, but I also have a decent chunk of the Vampire AU written as well. (And another oneshot that is almost finished 👀) Other than when I was "broken" for a bit there over the summer I'm pretty much always writing!

AH They're FINALLY going to COMMUNICATE like ADULTS (hopefully) but yeah baby wants no part in whatever mess this is between their parents they are like ummm sort it out before my arrival thanks!

Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to like reach my fics and send me this ask!! It means more than you even know! I hope the rest of your day at work goes / went well! And I hope you have a great night and a fabulous rest of your week! Thank you again for the continued support!

❤️Ally

[the-duckless-pond]

Patiently waiting for my grocery order so that I can tuck in and stay in bed for the rest of the day. Today has been super rough and it hasn’t improved.

It started off just fine and normal, but it feels like my meds never truly kicked in or something. I don’t know. Maybe it was the noise. My apartment building felt loud today. One of my neighbors had like 7 kids over earlier and they only left a few hours ago.

The list of things I need to do today is growing. I still need to clean the litter boxes. Easier now that I have a big trash can to put the waste bags in. I have to put ash my groceries and wash my vegetables. I can do that when they arrive. I need to vacuum before the movers bring my furniture tomorrow. Increasingly unlikely to happen as I have been attempting to summon the will to do that since 8am and it is now almost 5pm. But we shall see. Maybe it’ll happen. Maybe I’ll force myself to do it tomorrow.

I can at least move the cat tunnel so that it is out of the way of the movers for tomorrow. I can do that much. And I can turn on the AC and close the windows and put my hoodie back on since that makes me feel safe. I can turn on the white noise machine my mom got me after I found out there were kids here and that should help some. I can lay down when my groceries arrive and tuck in and post my chapter and watch a show and feel safe under my weighted blanket.

Also there is someone living in this building that mistakenly buzzes my buzzer at least once a day. My buzzer does not always work, so that’s a blessing. But I hate it and it makes me super anxious. I would go down there and ask them to stop buzzing my number but I am terrified of doing that and refuse to be perceived by any of my neighbors and wish for total anonymity so. Yeah. That’s a problem that I just have to live with. Maybe they are pressing it on purpose and whoever used to live here would let them in? Maybe it’s an accident and they mean to buzz one of the numbers close to mine? I don’t know. I wish it would stop, though. It’s pretty anxiety provoking. Jarring. Especially when you are not expecting it and you have PTSD. Not pleasant.

I haven’t heard from my best friend in about a week now. I am still texting her updates on my life because that is what I do, but I hope everything is okay. I miss her when she goes quiet like this. Today I can’t remember what I texted her about, but I’m sure I will send at least one more before the day is done. So far they have all been basically updates on the move and how I am feeling since she knows I’ve been struggling.

Update: I have moved positions and now I am camped out in front of the big living room windows. I have to plug my phone in soon so it won’t last long, and I kind of want a fun drink of some sort so I will have to move back near somewhere with an outlet where I can set my drink. Which is a bummer, because I am tired of sitting where I was against the wall and also kind of sore. Maybe I’ll move to the bed. Use the extension cord and plug my phone in and watch my grocery delivery updates like that.

Oh! I did finally make a therapy appointment, though. I haven’t been in like a month. It’s for early next week, at which point I will have internet and my furniture and the rest of my things. And hopefully I will have ordered a real bed by then. I’m starting to get sore from the air mattress. Reminded of the time I was assaulted and, by myself, hauled the entire bed and frame to the dumpster and slept on the floor until I could afford an air mattress. I suppose this is better than that. However that was quite liberating on some level, I do have to admit.

I would feel bad about this getting kind of long but I don’t think anyone reads these or cares, and it’s my diary entry so I’m allowed to make it as long as I want. Tumblr will cut it off below a read more at a certain point anyway.

Trying to decide what kind of fun drink I want. Maybe a smoothie? Or another decaf? I guess I could order dinner and get whatever fun drink the restaurant gives me. Between my agoraphobia and my needing to stock a larger pantry and fridge since now I can cook again after having to do microwave meals for so many years since I didn’t have a real kitchen, I’ve done enough grocery orders this past week that I have a bunch of credits for restaurant orders. Seriously, like $40 credits or something. I don’t know how they work, but that might cheer me up. I’d have to look at my budget to see if I can afford it.

I guess I’ll stop this here. My grocery order is on the way. Once that gets here I’ll figure out dinner and then work on posting my chapter.

[polinsated]

dad health update #2 (kinda)

warnings: un*l*v*ng thoughts/mentions, epilepsy mention, fnd, mentions of seizures, meds & family fights, tiny mention of ca**er

-

so far, so good. the news of my dad's results have travelled through the family, and everyone has been sending messages of support - because sometimes good news is also hard to swallow - and of course, as i said in the last post, he now has to have annual tests - the c***** could come back.

in other news, he also has a vitamin b deficiency! so sometime next week, he'll be getting his next jab/dose. and then on the 19th, he'll be checking into a rehabilitation centre that specialises in fnd (functional neurological disorder). so they'll hopefully be able to successfully monitor him, his seizures, his "moments" (as we call them), and then get him on the right medications.

idk if i mentioned it before, but a huge issue in his fnd diagnosis was that for over 2 years, we were in and out of a&e with my dad for his seizures, and in my own opinion - i don't think they had a clue what was going on - so, again, imo, they just decided they needed to put a name to it... and they chose epilepsy. so, he was taking levetiracetam/"keppra" for at least a year. and that shit messed him up!

it made the seizures happen less, but they were way more violent. it also messed with his mood, and then ours... because we were having more family fights, and everyone was miserable. it made him gain weight, then lose weight. he had a few bad nights, where he would say, and i quote, "If i die, my life insurance would look after all of you..." along with many other unaliving thoughts/outbursts. even though some of these reactions are normal for that type of medication, it was worse for him because he shouldn't have been taking it!! and to this day, i wonder if we should have done anything about this... he was misdiagnosed and taking the wrong meds for over a year because, like i said ^ - imo - they were rushing a diagnosis. and that year has had lasting effects on him.

anyway... i apologise for the ramble there.. and please send good vibes and wishes! as much as i wanted to enjoy my time off work for the next 2 weeks, i also want the 19th to hurry so he can get into that centre..

thanks for reading this far if you did. writing these little updates is actually a little therapeutic for me since the only person i ever rant to irl (my cousin kora). i don't see that often... :( ❤️