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#at least it wasn't his last life
royalarchivist · 2 months
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🥲
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buckttommy · 2 years
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I don't think 9-1-1 is in the business of killing off mains but I get the feeling something catastrophic is coming Buck's way and it's not going to be the car incident
#Time is a central theme that unites and binds Buck and Eddie but it is a theme that has been attributed to Eddie for the most part via#dialogue/context/circumstance/etc.#But last night Lev specifically mentions the concept of time in relation to happiness; not to Eddie this time but to Buck#in a way that simply cannot be mistrued or extrapolated or taken to mean or be associated with anyone else#Kind of makes me wonder about Buck's mental/emotional trajectory as well. Last season he clung to Taylor because he was afraid#of being left again. Understandable since he lost three key people in his life within a matter of months.#But they came back. And then Taylor was gone. And Buck's not clinging anymore but he's not happy either#so why the connection between Buck and Time? It's been so effectively established but why establish it at all?#Does he feel like Taylor was his last chance at the life he wanted? Wife. Kids. Happiness#(or at least some approximation of it)#That would put Lev's words into an even greater perspective: how he had this Thing that Buck actively desires and craves and it still#wasn't enough.#This thing that leaves Buck wondering 'if he had it all and it wasn't enough what will be enough?'#The question is: does he have the time to figure it out?#Because Buck might feel like *his* time js running out in the same way all human beings feel like there is never enough time#to heal the way they want to heal / achieve what they want to achieve / be who they want to be...#But Buck is a character trapped within a narrative he has no choice but to dance to#and that narrative is feeling so. Damning these days.#He feels like he doesn't have time but I'm willing to bet he has even less time than he thinks he has.
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mako-bones · 1 year
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Writing Sonia and Rauru fanfic because Nintendo loves to keep me in misery
Not to mention Zelda has seen so many people suffer to the Calamity, I wish it was explored more in the cutscenes- Her imprisonment, how it all connects when she goes back in time. Her guilt and strong emotions regarding the cycle- AHHHH IM IN MISERYYYY
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youremyonlyhope · 2 months
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Grief is fun... such fun...
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yuzuna123 · 5 months
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i am just saying! they DESERVED better!
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marklikely · 2 years
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getting annoyed at all the people i keep seeing saying no omg halloween ends was so good because they tried something new and im like yeah ok but did literally any of the stuff they tried actually turn out good? no.
#it didnt even do the bare minimum of creating a coherent whole smh. let alone being good i very nearly did walk out entirely.#like ok playing with the idea that your environment can be what pushes you to do evil instead of you being Inherently Bad#and the idea that like. michael myers isnt some all encompassing evil he's just one of many people out there who do bad things#great i get it. fine#but then they just throw it in the trash by being like actually no corey just is an evil person now. hes got bad vibes.#and then he (spoilers) and his entire story just like. doesnt even get brought up again now its a movie abt killing michael for 20 minutes#like ok . so now michael is the ultimate evil of haddonfield again and we all funeral march together to kill him. sure.#i guess fuck what the other 80 minutes of this movie were about.#like we get a limp line abt how evil never dies it just changes shape but like. they literally did kill both the evils & haddonfield's fine#i dont even think corey or anything about him specifically ever gets brought up again. for the entire last bit of the movie.#and we make zero moves to like address... what happened to create the evil scarecrow man at all. its just like well michaels dead we win.#plus whatever they were trying to do with laurie's entire character just made NO sense.#shes fine now she's healed from her trauma but now people are mad at her because she 'provoked' michael??#when last movie we quite literally established that she didnt and he wasn't even here to look for her. he does not care abt that woman.#and then her granddaughter being like YOURE SO OBSESSED WITH DEATH YOU WANT EVERYONE AS MISERABLE AS YOU#when like??? laurie isn't even miserable in this movie she's post therapy and doing pretty well and enjoying her fucking life??#so now everyone is just like. projecting this image onto laurie that we know is provably false but its never addressed#its not like . 'wow people project an ideal onto victims of trauma but its not true'. like i think we are supposed to agree w these people.#or at the very least if we dont agree we're supposed to be like wow that was deep they might have a point.#they just like. say they hate her for being obsessed with her trauma when she isn't anymore and then it never comes back up#and the way they all forgive her is her fighting michael but like thats what she did in 2018 isnt that why you're mad at her????#and dont get me started on all the fake deep dialogue and monologues or the weird forced love story so they could hook the wattpad crowd.#but like the overall movie there are some ideas that are actually really good and exactly what i'd want in a halloween finale#and they just like . execute literally all of them in the worst possible way .#movie diary
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mariocki · 1 year
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Donald Sutherland guest stars as the easy living Willard, a college friend of McGill - and a rare glimpse into his early life - in Man in a Suitcase: Day of Execution (1.3, ITC, 1967)
#fave spotting#donald sutherland#man in a suitcase#1967#itc#classic tv#day of execution#i don't think it comes up in dialogue but Pixley's bible reveals that the college was specified in the script as that of the University of#Texas; Bradford had attended for a while himself‚ and other references to playing football also fit the real Bradford (who'd been set#for a sporting career until an injury saw him refocus on acting). Sutherland wasn't from Texas of course; a good old Canadian boy#he'd gone to school in Toronto and then moved to London around 1962‚ where he'd been steadily plugging away as brit tv's most successful#(at least in the long term) rentayank. for more on that see other Donald posts in the fave spotting tag; by the time this episode aired Don#was nearing the end of his English residency. he was already netting some notable supporting roles in pretty big movies (The Dirty Dozen#was released in the uk about a week after this episode aired‚ and within a year or so he'd be nailing some of the projects which would#catapult him to true stardom). he's very good here of course‚ as the drunken layabout college friend of McGill who inherited a fortune#from 'daddy' and seems content to spend his days sleeping and nights partying. his involvement in the action of the episode gets a little#murkier in the last act‚ and sets up some really brutal stuff from McGill (he ends up charging Willard $10k to save his life)#also notable is some bloodied face makeup Don wears in that last act‚ having received a beating; MiaS was noted for its increased#violence and bloody fx compared to other itc shows‚ mostly a result of Bradford's own insistence on greater realism and in showing the#result of violence rather than just stage punches and taps on the head. what's unusual is that it was normally Bradford who got bloodied up#perhaps Sutherland's willingness to get all bruised and swollen is indicative of a good working relationship with Bradford?#pixley doesn't comment on it‚ but i think it's quite possible‚ especially as Sutherland was one of the only actors to return for another#episode (one of the few others being Colin Blakely‚ whom Bradford is well known to have been in awe of; it's not beyond the realm of#possibilities that the star had some influence in who was recast for second appearances). but this is conjecture really#just enjoy young Don with his crooked grin and big ears and goofy face. who'd have thunk a future screen icon in 1967?
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thinkin about that one kpop tweet that was like "when jaehyun gets a gf i'm not gonna act fake like the rest of y'all and say "i want her 😍" i'm going to kill myself" because they are the most genuine person i've ever heard from on the topic tbh. ik for a fact ppl just act fake when shit like that happens esp when they were super big "i wanna fuck him" fans before that lmao
#or the 'omg they're so cute!!' ppl. being happy for the person i get but don't lie to yourself and everyone else lmao#i say that but maybe they are being genuine and i don't get it because i am never genuine in that situation#in fact the only time i was happy for someone i wanted to fuck who got a gf was hyuna and dawn bc they're perfect for e/o#but i won't lie when i was obsessed w him before the truth got leaked i was really upset about the possibility of them dating 🙄#simply because i am a dipshit who needs everything to be mine and mine alone and if i express attraction in someone w a gf i get angry#at myself. this i think stems back to my best friend deciding to date my 2 year long crush because she was mad at me and he liked her#and she didn't even like him like that but she would go 'you should be happy for us if you like both of us! why are you so angry?'#even tho she was legit just doing it to MAKE ME ANGRY and then she dumped him a week later after i stopped being mad at her#and tried to be 'genuinely' happy for them#so idk. that was probably the worst thing she could've done to me because i don't think i'll ever get over it and it happened when we were#like. 10#anyways my point is that i may be a delusional freak but at least i don't lie to myself and everyone else abt it 🤷‍♀️#unless it was like almost a yr ago when i found out abt jrmas gf and i lied and said i was happy for him LMAO but i had to say that to move#on w/ my life and it didn't even end up working bc here i am writing more text posts about how i haven't moved on and i hate his gf for#existing. welllllll i'm a mean and volatile person and i overindulge myself in other people's business if i become obsessed so i was never#a good person but that's the long and short of it i guess.#i really wish i wasn't so stupid and didn't have to proclivity towards people who will never know who i am and never like me if they did#but i have genuinely only been this way and if u read my life like a book u would be disgusted and perturbed by what u saw#but tou would be drawing parallels about this back to the first fuckin chapter i can tell ya that much#idk ig i was right when i said that this would be the last time and that it's him or nobody for me because i just don't care anymore#i can't believe i've ever been stupid enough to think that i'd end up with someone just bc i was a fan of them#and yet she ended up with him as a fan so. just makes me see red but it's whatever LMAO#if u read all that i implore u to block me if you have any bad vibes bc this is just the kind of person i am and i'm sorry i weird u out#and if ya do. thank u for ur concern and i'm sorry i couldn't have been a kinder or more well adjusted person who was worth talking to...#in the end i guess i am just the obsessive weirdo that i have been since i was 6#it all just comes down to me not thinking she deserves him. i think if he stayed w kim i would've been fine and gotten over him normally#but he just had to fuck a fan huh#anyways i'll be fine no worries i just need to do hard drugs and die probably
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year
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#weird day. really weird day#i couldnt sleep v well bc my brain was fucked up and i was prob dehydrated so im like extremely out of focus#i did go to the health and wellness center and am now back in therapy which is why my day was so fucking wild. like im too tired so im not#opperating correctly but it was real weird. like last time i got assessed by someone who basically sorted me to a therapist according to my#problems. this time i just kinda stumbled into a 1st session with someone and i dont kno how to feel abt how it went. it was odd#like we didnt go thru like an entire thing of like what r all ur problems? it was more i started talking abt things and he got stuck on#some specific things i said and we talked abt that. which im of 2 minds abt bc he did instantly latch onto the root of some of my issues#which is that i feel fucking dumb all the time bc my brain works a little different but it also wasnt helpful bc like theres a stereotypic#verson of my experience and then theres what i actually went thru and those things dont align in the way he was talking abt it. like i#think were were just talking past eachother a bit. like he wasn't exactly wrong but i do feel a bit like i walked in with an open wound and#and he decided the best course of action was to pat me on the head and tell me im v smart so i walked out still bleeding. but i dont think#its was all bad bc it got under my skin so much. i react like a cat thrown in a bath if u try to call me smart. like fuck off. yes ok im#smart. i have a certified document saying that i have above average intelligence. big fucking whoop. im too fucking dyslexic to do anything#right and my brain is constantly trying to strangle me to death. he called me a gifted kid. fuck u i was too fucking dyslexic to b a gifted#kid. stop talking abt the positive aspects of the compulsive way i live my life when its literally strangling me to death and i want it to#stop. acknowledge my pain old man. also i hate thst therapists hate the word weird. its not a bad word i like that word. i disagree#fundamental with the assertion that its bad. also he pointed out that i talk like a freak. like a person with high intelligence. fuck u i#like words. i will peel my own skin off if u call me smart one more time. lol i was so mad. i argued with him like the whole time. also he#mentioned horoscopes which was weird but whatever. we'll see how the next one goes. i told him to his face i i didnt kno if what we talked#abt was helpful. possibly the rudest ive ever been to a stranger lol. well see how the next session goes. at least it was interesting#god. im fucking so tired and wrung out.#unrelated
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skullisbones · 4 months
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just finished bdubs 12 hour limited life.
#life series#i got some thoughts#first of all i loved it#etho was incredibly pathetic throughout. hilarious#the family roleplay was weird to me at first but became so hilarious#bdubs also didn't have the right mod/texture for running out of time to show up onscreen?#so when i watched smbdy else to see who killed bdubs i was surprised by them but they're really cool#bdubs was Incredibly generous this entire season. i think in part because he wasn't posting at the time#he took kind of an npc role#(bdubs loves to take roles)#so like. giving all but one of his crafted rockets away. constantly splitting his food stack with anybody. giving scar his last golden apple#giving his life to jimmy. offering the same to both etho and scar#the amnt of times he survived direct explosions was almost comical#getting a clock frm impulse at the beginning and then cleo renames it to break his loyalty with ties.#and then impulse is the one to take him out of the series#bdubs panic kill on joel during the ambush was really good#the dynamic of bdubs and etho esp late game when scar and cleo are actively killing him but bdubs won't kill etho never#the way bdubs ends his series as his ghost is witnessing cleo and scar blame etho for his death. and he looks up and flies away#to look for etho#oh also i'm pretty sure at Least bdubs and scar if not all the clockers didn't know abt the command to give time for indirect/unnamed kills?#they never did it#they basically just accepted no credit for these things#unlike team ties by contrast who are huge nerds-#no but AUGH limited life was good i liked it a lot. i just love bdubs in the life series he really gets to let his roleplay chops shine.#(being just. incredibly over the top and committing wholeheartedly to a dynamic)#and i love bdubs and cleo teamed i miss 3rd life#bdubs and scar are a great duo too#the quick kill on skizz ep 1 followed by the back and forth of kills between them was great to watch too#bdubs n skizz is a duo i'd like to see more of i loved them in last life#i'm getting all the life series seasons mixed around and mixed up but honestly i think i love them all just. a lot
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frogchiro · 7 months
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virgin sacrifice reader offered to war god ghost?? prepare to be his lovely wife instead of a sacrifice with at least 10 demigods running around, he wants to raise strong warriors!
Ghost would definitely be a god similiar to Ares; a god of war, brutality, bloodshed, masculinity and virility. Men go and pray by his shrine or in his dedicated temple to give them strength in both battle and bed, to be a strong and unbeatable warrior and be able to father strong, healthy children.
One such temple, the main one, is in a surprisingly remote location, surrounded not by a major city or capital but a few villages. According to myths it was this place where a brutal battle took place millenia ago where the fearsome god Ghost defeated an army all by himself, the blood of his slain enemies served to make the land fertile and for many villages to grow and prosper...until now.
Usually sacrifaces to appease the god would be made by the men of the villages; black stallions, the strongest bulls, wine, silver and pure steel, everything that has connections to masculinity and power, however some kind of horrible fatum seems to hang over your little village. The animals either die young or are sickly and weak, the wine turns out sour like vinegar, there in so money to buy anything either and it's taken as a curse by the elders. If nothing will be done and Ghost won't have his sacrifice who knows what will happen?
So they decide on the next best thing, a desperate last choice reach in hopes to appease the brutal god-a virgin sacrifice. The prettiest, unmarried and untouched young woman is to be chosen, dressed in the finest, gauzy silks and locked inside the stone temple in hopes that the god will come down and the blood of a slain virgin will calm his fury. Luck wasn't on your side it seems, you were chosen.
All you could remember were the desperate cries of your mother, the dissapointed remorseful look on your father's face and the ritual cleansing of the old crones in the village. You were cleaned in rose water, intricate patterns were drawn with a mixture of honey, mushed up berries and flowers on your breasts, around your nipples and bellybutton, and the most intricate was drawn on the place where your womb was. You were clothed in a white gauzy dress that was a symbol of your purity and then you were bound and dragged to the temple no matter how much you struggled and kicked and pleaded until you were finally locked in the dimly lit temple, only the many candles present to lighten the main chamber and to show the powerful, majestic sculpture of the god, Ghost.
Imagine crying yourself to sleep, everything hurt, you were scared and confused, all alone to die in this forsaken temple because some old men decided on it. Falling asleep out of exhaustion, the images of your crying, terrified mother haunting you even when sleeping.
Imagine waking up and instead of feeling cold and sore from sleeping on the unforgiving stone floor, and instead finding yourself laying on and under the most luxurious furs you've ever seen, the warmth of them felt like a blanket and the smell of them, pleasant warm masculine musk made a shiver run down your spine, just where were you?
Before you had the chance of looking around the room, you felt huge, strong arms clamping togehter around you and bringing you into a powerful, broad chest which rumbled with a growl like purr and a stern voice saying:
"Stay. Don't move around girl."
And the very same arms turned you gently around to face the man behind you and you couldn't help but gasp and breath out a tiny, frightened yelp-behind you was laying a man who looked like the stone sculpture of Ghost cane to life and became human. It...it was Ghost. You laid next to a god.
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daydreamerdrew · 8 months
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Iron Man (1968) #95
#regarding Tony saying that he didn't choose to stop being Iron Man after he got his synthetic heart transplant#he did actually try to stop and found a successor and everything#but then found that he couldn't bare having someone else take those risks with their life when he could have#I think it's an interesting framing to Tony being Iron Man overall#he's invoking that impossibility of him being able to quite when he says he's not even sure he could#and the phrasing of 'I've managed to decide my life- at least for this week'#while referring to how he's always kind of questioning things#(because the set-up he has makes happiness impossible)#is reminiscent to me of the belief back when Tony was constantly having heart attacks and nearly dying#that because he could really die at any time it wasn't right for him have any kind of real intimate relationship#because he was going to eventually die young and abandon that person#what's really interesting to me about this character is that that specifically isn't always invoked#and neither is the concern that people close to him would be targeted because he's a superhero#sometimes that he has to pretend to be callous in both of his identities is just kind of left to a just because#like when Jasper Sitwell was in the hospital and Tony pretending to not care#while internally decrying about how he wasn't ever able to show the tenderness inside of him#I'm also thinking of when he was in a cycle with Janice Cord their entire relationship#and he just kept pushing her away then letting her back into his life#and then when she died he considered that maybe all his reasons were just poor excuses and they could have made it work#of course- as evidenced by that he's doing that exact same pushing away again- that questioning didn't last#the character's circumstances changes but his belief that he can't let people be close to him remains stubborn#marvel#tony stark#my posts#comic panels
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lunamugetsu · 3 months
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Danny is a house husband.
That's it, that's all it is.
As the years went on. Danny retired from being a superhero. There was no need for Phantom when the GIW were dealt with and all the ghosts were under control.
Now what's left for him to do but to just sit back, relax, and finally be able to live his life.
Sam and Tucker on the other hand....
Well, they had plenty of pent up rage, wits, and chaos inside their mind to become villains.
But they had one rule.
Never bring work home and to never involve Danny in any of their supervillain business.
Okay that's technically two rules, but they're kind of synonymous especially since Danny has been taking care of their house while also entertaining himself with trying new hobbies.
Tucker and Sam both make sure that they never bring any of their villainy home to Danny, because all they want is for Danny to enjoy his happy hero retirement.
And Danny in turn, doesn't bat an eye when watching the news and seeing that there were magical plants that were attacking sites that oil companies were digging or that somehow Lex Luthor had lost five hundred million dollars and had somehow leaked records showing he was building weapons of mass destruction.
He also doesn't bat an eye when he sees that Tucker had brought home a telescope that definitely looks like it came from some fancy lab because hey, Tucker was making him an observatory so he can look at the stars and planets. While also how they were able to make a great gaming pc with computer parts that are definitely not sold in stores, because hey at least the newest update of Doomed wasn't lagging.
Or that Sam comes home with various plants and animals that are definitely not from planet earth, but hey the three headed wolf-lizard-eagle- hybrid thing (that Danny has affectionately named Fluffy) is pretty great at keeping the pests away from his vegetable garden and likes to eat any of Danny's new food creations and is a great playmate for Cujo.
So you can imagine how the Justice League thinks when dealing with the pair of new villains: Upload (Tucker) and Sam (I could not think of a villain name that would suit her, so it's up to you what you think her villain name would be)
And how they were currently wreaking havoc in the city either by cyber warfare with robots or by magic plant monster or a Frankenstein of both approaches. The heroes had all evacuated the civilians from the battle zone and are currently fighting a losing battle. When they've been effectively captured and restrained by the two. Right before the villains could go into a monologue, they hear a person clearing their throat.
Everybody looks to see a 25 year old man wearing a sweater vest (he made it himself, thank you very much) currently holding onto the leash of a giant glowing green dog and some kind of giant animal hybrid. The man's arms were crossed and was currently not sporting a very happy look on his face.
Tucker and Sam (looking at Danny with hesitant smiles): Hi honey.
Danny (frowning): you missed our anniversary dinner.
Tucker and Sam both pale as they quickly realized what the date and time was.
The league all watch as Sam and Tucker immediately start apologizing to the man that just walked into a battle zone.
Danny (still frowning): Hmph! I guess since you two didn't want dinner you can go back to your little fight. Don't expect me to make you any lunches for the next month, and since you two are having so much fun here, you'll be sleeping by yourselves for the next couple weeks.
The league all watch as they were let go as Sam and Tucker yell as they run after Danny yelling apologies as he was walking away from them.
This is not the last they see of Danny.
When Danny is displeased with either of his partners, he'll invite a hero over to have lunch of afternoon tea.
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rubysparx · 4 months
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Honestly I don't think I'm qualified to make this post, I just don't know if I can make coherent enough words man. But the thoughts are in there and I will try to articulate them. This is probably going to be mostly images though. anyway yeah KABRU POST.
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A couple nights ago (at approximately 2:30am, lasting a little over half an hour) I had a bit of a moment about Kabru. That, too, was mostly images- most of what you see in this more concise post were presented then as well. I think my main points of the "moment" were about Kabru's trauma + self hatred, his autism and/or general otherness, and also a little labru if you'd like..
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I think something easy to start with is I wanna point out Kabru's constant back and forth and conflicting opinions of demihumans and how, I believe, thats a reflection of how he goes back and forth on what he believes his purpose of living is- and the general worth of his own life. I've said it before and i've just kinda shown it in images; Kabru is "i think im a monster and it disgusts me" where Laios is "I know im a human and it disgusts me" (i could go more into the latter on another post)
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the above are both from the world bible, with the left being from the section on kobolds and the right being from the section on Kuro specifically. Utaya was very near to the desert where most of the kobold population is, this is likely why Kabru is able to speak Kuro's language- he grew up around demihumans. (chapter 48 cover, kobold chapter in the world bible) I won't try to speak for how his mother or the rest of utaya felt about the kobolds but I can say that Kabru was very much othered as a child, as was his mother, purely for the way her son's (kabru) eyes looked.
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I feel like its fair enough to say that both kabru and the kobolds were othered, and possibly for similar reasons (villager's seeing them as nonhuman, as monsters) and the fact that Kabru learned their language probably didn't help his case. I think his perception of kobolds (and all demihumans, subsequently himself, as he probably still views himself as nonhuman or not human enough.. deep down) was damaged by the Utaya incident. at 2:30am when I first started this ramble my main comment was that "had the utaya incident not happened kabru would have little reason to feel ashamed for his connection to monsters. and may have ended up similar to laios in that he couldve had otherkin swag" which is just a sort of silly way of saying Kabru could've learned to love the thought that he is possibly nonhuman or at least not hated himself so much for it.
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in the original ramble I said, and quote, "he has been STALKING laios. laios is his hyperfixation to learn how he can ever be loved. he keeps going back and forth so harshly on wether or not he wants to kill Laios and he clearly sees his survival from utaya not as an unfortunate trauma [*] but as a necessary, deserved fate. a punishment for his mother's witchy sins, and for his sin of being non-human. to atone for it all, to apologize for being alive, he tries to better the lives of all humanity. He was set on his way to dethrone the governor of the island . do you understand? im going insane" *i also said somethings about the way he processes other people's traumas and not his own. He's able to understand and even help some people, but he struggles to process his own issues and see himself as worthy of love and life.
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^some examples of Kabru being understanding of or helping others who have suffered greatly. I think its also worth mentioning that with Rin (called "Lynn" in that translation) he says "I wish there was a way to get her out of this" though he's insisted and pushed for himself to go into a dungeon;
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In chapter 94, Mithrun says "The desire I had left wasn't revenge. All I wanted.. was for it to finish devouring me." and I don't feel like it's a stretch to say Kabru was in a similar situation. Mithrun sought out the demon with no plan on how to kill something like that because deep down he wanted it to end his (Mithrun's) own life, to finish the trauma it caused and kill him. I think Kabru went into the dungeon in part with the hopes that it'd kill him. That the same thing that destroyed Utaya and caused him so much trauma would just.. finish him.
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I just think Kabru is a beautifully complex character, I have a lotta thoughts on him and I don't see nearly as many analysis posts for him than I do Laios (despite labru being such a popular ship)
there is no tldr for this post idk how to summarize it. do what you will with this collection of images. have fun. go crazy
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fun fact the woman in the bottom left corner is his mother, she is labeled here as "witch"
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writingouthere · 3 months
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singlemom!reader x neighbor!sukuna. you miss having a baby and Sukuna is dying from a combination of your sexual tension, his lowkey(highkey) baby fever and the drudgery of attending a child's birthday party
cw: Sukuna's breeding kink, red flags are present and accounted for, no one gets laid tho so sad face. this actually ended up being way more sincere and heartfelt than I intended but honestly very typical of me
"Oh we're not together, Sukuna's just been letting me and Bug crash while we look for an apartment."
"Oh he's not my boyfriend, we're just friends!"
"He's actually not Bug's dad. No, no. But, they get along really well. She enjoys having someone else to hang out with aside from me, I think."
Your laughter after the last one plays on repeat as he goes to grab the two of you some refreshments. Sukuna feels like he's living the world's worst version of groundhog day, except instead of being some sad loser who relives the same day over and over, he's apparently a sad loser who is going to live the same conversation over and over again.
"Fuck this shit."
"Um, excuse me but could you watch your language. This is a kid's birthday party." Sukuna wants to ask the bitch who is correcting a grown man's language if he would mind watching his own fucking business but you seem to care about what these losers think and he won't make life difficult for you.
If he happens to step on the guy's foot as he leaves with two cups and a juice box caught in his elbow, well, his steel toed boots need the exercise.
Sukuna knew that if any of his acquaintances, he didn't have friends after all, could see him now, they would die laughing. Die ,because he would kill them for laughing, but fuck he couldn't even really blame them, even in his hypothetical.
Once upon a time, Sukuna was a feared criminal. People pissed themselves when he cornered them in a dark alley. Other bad guys would look at him and say, "wow that guy's a real piece of shit" and now look at him. Stuck at some three year old's birthday party. One more kidzpop butchering of an already shitty song away from committing another felony.
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he knew he was at least getting some pussy out of it, but he had just spent the past two hours hearing you deny him to anyone who asked and it was really starting to get to him.
He knew he was being a little bitch about it, and he wasn't upset just because you weren't fucking him. He was upset that all the things you were telling people, they were technically true. He was just letting you and your daughter crash. He was just your friend, not your boyfriend. Even the comments about him not being Bug's dad, but him being positioned as some kind of really invested babysitter, those might have stung more than the ones about your relationship but you thought that was true too.
Thinking about the kid made him look for her, not that Sukuna ever wasn't aware of where you and your daughter were. It had become instinct before he was even aware of it.
Bug was laughing with some kids he recognized from daycare and others from their regular trips to the park. Her happiness was contagious and Sukuna found his lips twitching up at the ends despite his shitty mood.
Your daughter's eyes found him from across the playground. "kuna!" she called, waving her little hand at him. He waved back with his available hand and made his way towards her. She met him halfway, her little legs unsteady on the wood chips but she didn't seem to notice. She was always like that when she saw him, she ran fearlessly. Maybe she just trusted he'd catch her.
Was it so wrong of him that he didn't like the reminders she wasn't his. That it stung, not just because of his feelings but because it just couldn't be true. He might not have fathered her, but fuck anyone who said this little girl wasn't his.
"I got you a juice, you've been running around so much you gotta be thirsty."
"Not thirsty," Bug argued leaning into him. He held up his hands that were holding the grown up drinks for the two of you, and moved the package still lodged in the crease of his elbow towards the petulant toddler. "Take it, or I'll drink it."
Bug stuck her tongue out at him and grabbed it. She struggled to get the wrapping off the straw and Sukuna didn't even notice what he was doing until she had the straw stretched out towards him and he was pulling the wrapper off with his teeth. He spit it out on the ground as your daughter gave him a polite thank-you and then walked away, sipping her juice as she went to catch up with her friends.
What had become of him?
"Need a hand?" You smile at him and Sukuna hands over your cup before taking a sip of his own. There was unfortunately no alcohol in it but drinking it occupied his mouth before he acted like a pussy and asked you, "what are we?" or "should we get married?" or something equally as pathetic.
"God, I want a baby."
Sukuna almost spit out his drink but he manages to tone it down to just a little cough before turning to look at you. You don't even seem a little embarrassed which is just infuriating. Sukuna's about to make a suggestion on how he can help with that when you sigh and point to where some loser is holding their ugly baby.
"Aren't babies just the cutest, I miss when Bug was that age."
Oh, so this was just you looking at other people's red-faced brats and feeling nostalgic and was not in fact a call to action. Sukuna rolled his eyes and leaned back on the hand closest to you so he didn't touch you as he was so tempted to do these days.
"That baby, like all babies, is hideous. All they do is cry, shit themselves and vomit and I'm not even sure Bug is the exception to that and she's the best kid there is."
You look touched at his affection for your daughter but also fired up on behalf of babies everywhere.
"You can't just say a baby is hideous, Sukuna. Those are the Zenin's. Bug is friends with some of them."
"Well are the older ones cuter, because that baby looks like someone fucked one of those hairless cats."
"Sukuna!" you hiss but he sees you smile, despite yourself. "Okay, maybe that baby isn't like the cutest baby-"
"Hideous."
You continue after smacking his arm. "But Bug was cute, okay. And I'm not just saying that because I'm her mom." You take out your phone and quickly swipe until you get to what you're looking for. "See, cute baby."
Sukuna grabs your phone and looks. It's not the first picture he's seen of a young Bug and he's taken his share of photos of her himself, but he finds himself taken in by it anyway.
It has to be a picture from when Bug was really young, she still had the scrunched up, red face that he associates with newborns. But he thinks you're right, she's still cute. He doesn't know if it's because he knows that baby will grow up to be your daughter, but he finds his thumb caressing her little baby cheeks, the wisps of hair he can see peaking out from where she's wrapped in a baby blanket. It's then he sees she's not alone in the picture and there's a different version of you holding her.
The thing that stands out to him is how tired you look. He thinks this couldn't have been too long after you gave birth but still, he wondered if you'd gotten any rest those first few months. You still didn't like talking about your ex, or the circumstances that had led you to his apartment, but Sukuna knew that chances are you were taking care of Bug single handedly and that couldn't have been easy, cutest kid or not.
"She was beautiful, she still is." He reluctantly hands the phone back to you and you look at the picture again, tears building up in your eyes.
"She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I-I wish that the circumstances were different in how I got her. Sometimes, I wonder how I'll explain everything to her when she's older. She just deserves so much better than him, you know?"
"You both do." Sukuna reaches over and brushes away one of the tears that had managed to fall down your cheek. He leaves his hand there a moment, holding your cheek in his palm, just appreciating the warmth.
"Do you want any?"
"What?" Sukuna isn't sure what you're talking about anymore. He can only see your lips right in front of him, the way that your eyelashes brush against your cheek as you blink faster and faster.
"Babies, do you want any?"
Something short circuits in Sukuna's brain and he wants to say, fuck yes.
He wants to tell you that he thinks about it every day. Every time you put Bug on your hip or send him youtube videos of hairstyles you want to try on her. Whenever it's late at night, and little feet pad out of your room and Bug asks him in the loudest whisper he's ever heard, if he can get her some water because she's so thirsty.
He thinks about it when the sun streams through the curtains of his apartment in the morning and it lights up your hair as you move throughout the kitchen, a force of nature, a creature from somewhere far too good to have ended up here with him.
He thinks about it when the three of you go out and people just assume you're a family, because of course you're a family. When you and Bug play some made up game, or Bug gets tired even though she denies it and he carries her sleeping form against his chest. When he holds her in his lap on the subway and you lean to rest your head on his shoulder and he feels like this, this is what he's always wanted.
He's not all pure and good though, because he thinks about it late at night in his bedroom too. After a day of your smiles, of seeing your thighs stretch out of those sleep shorts you started wearing when the weather warmed up, whenever he remembers the feel and smell of your panties when he's lucky enough to find a pair in the laundry basket, he thinks about how the two of you would make some really cute fucking babies.
He's imagined it a million ways. He's imagined you telling him you've gone off your birth control and you need him now after he takes you out on an anniversary dinner. Or him crowding you up against the kitchen counter and you begging him to put a baby in you.
His favorite fantasy is currently one where you get so carried away when you finally finally fuck that you don't ask him to wear a condom and he spends the whole night making sure you're nice and good and full of him and when you tell him a few weeks later you missed your period, he'll let you freak out. But then he'll tell you that he'll take good care of you, and Bug, and your soon to be little one and he'll finally have you, all of you and once you have your second, he'll knock you up again, as many times as he can because there could never be too many mini-you's running around.
At this point, Sukuna remembers he's talking to you, the real you and he swallows a few times before he speaks.
"I do," he says simply but something must show on his face because you're looking at him in a way you never have before. He hears your breath hitch and he leans in to kiss you, and you smell so good and his thoughts are consumed by the little family he just knows you're going to have when suddenly he's pelted by a variety of sharp, little objects.
Sukuna immediately holds up his arm to shield you from what he now sees is a barrage of wood chips which are being thrown at you by an army of toddlers, including your daughter.
You immediately get up and start talking to the kids about the danger of throwing what are basically large future splinters at people's faces and Sukuna is contemplating the murder of every child that isn't his own when you turn to look at him.
You're not just looking at him, you're seeing him and oh. Maybe he would be getting laid tonight, after all.
The slow burn is almost done folks.
thank you to the amazing reception to this series and the one-shot I posted(which there will be a prequel of soon!). it's literally so insane. Masterlist will be up tomorrow which I hope helps with accessibility!
edit: masterlist is up!
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inkskinned · 10 months
Text
so while i was writing the book, i became violently suicidal.
this was mostly due to the fact that i had a very bad reaction to some meds and my brain stopped producing any serotonin. also i was in the last semester of grad school where it's actually illegal to feel anything but dread. so it wasn't going well.
somewhere in the fog of it i became aware i needed help. nobody was taking clients or my insurance. i didn't want to do inpatient care - it wasn't right for my needs. there's not really an "in between" stage between "inpatient" and "no care," but i was trying to do the right thing. i was trying to activate the chain of command that was my emergency plan. i knew i needed help now.
i used betterhelp.
i know, i know. i'm a straight-A student and so smart and so clever, how could i ever use something so blatantly bad. to be honest with you, i didn't feel particularly keen on it from the getgo - things that seem too good to be true usually are. also, if something online is free, the price is usually your privacy.
the thing is that there was kind of a global pandemic happening at the time and i worked 5 jobs alongside of being a fulltime student and also like writing a book on the side. it is a miracle that i even thought about getting help. i would love to tell you i had the mental wherewithal to like, process whether this was the right choice for me. mostly i was desperate. i was so suicidal that i was trying to find a reason to stay inside of fortune cookies. i was the kind of suicidal that looks like splatterpaint. i hadn't been that bad in an entire decade.
they took my data. i gave them it freely. somewhere out there, they have a dossier on me. on everything i survived. my story in little datapoints, scattergraphed beautifully.
the first woman told me that really i should be grateful, because (and this is a direct quote): "at least you're not anne frank." i said that i felt that statement was antisemitic, as anne frank's life and experience shouldn't be compared to like, a nonbinary lesbian in western massachusetts. the therapist said that i should try to use lucid dreaming to try to picture myself in an actually scary situation, like running from nazis.
i applied for another therapist. i was willing to accept the possibility that there was a bad apple in the bunch. the next therapist and i even laughed about how inappropriate that statement was. and then, in our next session: the new therapist said if i was struggling with body image issues, i should just work harder on my appearance. she spent 3 sessions in a row talking about how she was grieving, and made me memorize facts about her grandmother so "she can live on through my clients."
i am a three's-a-charm kind of person. okay, so what if the last person made me uncomfortable. i figured it was just a misunderstanding of priorities - she had felt she was sharing with me, i had felt like i had to take care of her. i applied for another therapist.
the last woman asked me to help her pray. she bowed her head. i stared at her, frozen, while she said: lord, i beg you: cure her. take the pain of being gay away from her.
i spent somewhere between 2.5 and 3 months on betterhelp. in that whole time, i was not getting the professional help i so desperately needed, even though i was fucking trying.
in the end, i survived this because i finally could get off the meds that were literally killing me. a request for a real therapist finally went through. i survived because my friends saved my life. because nick let me sob myself dry in his arms. because maddie took the razors out of my room when i asked them to. because grace slept over in my bed for like 3 weeks in a row since nobody trusted me not to hurt myself when i was alone. i survived because i got fucking lucky. because even when i was desperately suicidal, i was too old and too self-aware to take "you need to be prettier" as good advice.
the thing is that there's a 19 year old me who isn't like that. who would have heard "just think about how grateful you should be" and said - oh, i see. i would have assumed that is what it means to be in therapy: the same thing my abusers used to tell me. that i am just pretending and lazy. that i am ugly and unworthy.
betterhelp positioned itself to take advantage of an incredibly vulnerable community. it preys on desperation. it knows it is serving people who are not doing well mentally. it saw that there is a huge need for real, immediate, compassionate mental health care: and then it fucking takes your money and privacy.
i still get their ads on instagram. last night i watched as a woman in a pool pretends to talk to a different woman. they discuss her anxiety.
there's a 19 year old version of me, and she didn't survive this. she was too tired, and drowning. i almost fucking died. this thing almost fucking killed me.
in the ad, the woman playing the therapist takes a note on a clipboard and then nods once, sagely.
i have to admit it's a pretty scene. the steam and light coming off the pool water lands on the actresses. like this, it almost looks baptismal, holy.
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