#at least tony's individual story started out good

[justkending]

Finding Memories. Chapter 6.

Summary: Waking up with little to no memory of her past, and being saved by a group of individuals who call themselves heroes, sends a long time captive for a whirlwind trying to find some form of grounding in this world she quickly learns runs on chaos. But she’s not the only one trying to figure out her forgotten backstory. Bucky Barnes, along with the other Avengers, can’t help but sense that there is a lot more to the whole situation than a diagnosis of amnesia. Her background slowly starts to come forward in pieces of her past and hidden information discovered. Who is she? And why was she in the room they were meant to destroy?

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader 

Word Count: 3000+

TW: Torture, cussing, and blood. 

A/N: Hello friends! I am working on chapter 7 right now and hoping to finish it in time. However, writing may slow down some as my sister went into labor recently and as I'm writing this, I'm just a few hours away from being an aunt!!! Anyway, just wanted to make note of that for when I go back and proofread this some random day:) Hope you all enjoy and some of the story starts piecing together. xoxoxo

Chapter 6:

Once Y/N got out of the bathroom, Wanda had the bed ready for her to make it home for the night.

She could tell that Y/N was still rattled from the whole surprise of it all, but at least she was in a safe space now and had taken advantage of it to ground herself again.

Wanda asked if there was anything she wanted to talk about and Y/N politely, yet apprehensively, declined. She just wanted to sleep it off and hopefully not have nightmares that recapped the scene.

Y/N had known Wanda for a bit now and knew that she had powers, but she had never been educated on what she was capable of.

So when Wanda mentioned she could ease some of her anxiety and help relax her mind and body enough to rest and actually get some healing sleep, she was semi-shocked.

Wanda was good about explaining everything she would do, how she would do it, and what it entailed until Y/N was comfortable enough to have her help with her sleep problems. That and she was desperate for a decent night's rest for once.

____________________________

Wanda quietly closed the door to Y/N's room behind her after making sure she was out for the evening. She turned to look down the hallway, checking to see if anyone was around.

It was vacant and it seemed everyone was either in bed for the night or they were out doing their own things.

Wanda checked her phone seeing a message from Steve and took the instructions to meet down in the lab. Also asking to make sure that Bucky was actually in his room and not running around doing more research.

Lucky enough, she could hear him in his room, but couldn't tell what he was up to. She was just happy that he was in a space he could sleep in if he stayed up too late.

Carefully, as if checking to make sure no one followed her, she took the elevator down to the lab and met her two teammates in a private office. It was a space Tony had built for Bruce to do experiments in peace without too many distractions from his welding and other loud hobbies.

"Hey," Steve smiled as she came in. "Was he asleep?"

"Couldn't necessarily confirm that, but he is in his room. I didn't hear snoring, but I also didn't hear typing or noises that hinted he was working," she answered, with a smile at Steve. "He'll be ok. He knows when to stop a lot better than he used to."

"I would like to think that, but I think Y/N's whole case is causing some unfinished revenge to play a role in his plans," Steve sighed.

"Steven," Wanda placed a hand on his shoulder. "He's a big boy. What he chooses to do is up to him. Now as for revenge," she shrugged. "Eh. I think his intentions lean more towards a pretty girl who went through hell he knows a little too much about."

"Wait, you-" Steve started and Bruce snickered.

"And," she continued over him. "I think that he just doesn't like that something as tragic and horrendous as what he has gone through, could have happened to that sweet and innocent girl I just helped go to sleep. There's a lot more at play than just revenge, Steven."

Steve stared at her with a surprised face, but couldn't help the pull of a smile on his lips.

"I know you can read minds, but sometimes I think you don't even need that power to pick up on the things you do," Steve nodded, tossing the pen on the table and going to grab what the whole meeting was revolving around. "And I may or may not have picked up on that too, but wasn't sure if I was making things up in my head."

"Then you must not know Bucky if that's something you're overlooking," Wanda shrugged.

"Or maybe I'm just worried for him if that is the case," Steve sighed realizing his blindness to this subject she's brought up.

"You would be worried for him either way," Wanda smiled. "But I can promise you, he'll be ok."

Wanda was not only good at reading people, but she was good at making them say the things that they needed to hear from themselves.

Therapy lesson to the side, Steve pulled out a personal recorder and grabbed a pen and paper to take notes of their new findings. He claimed his old-fashioned habits helped him put things together faster.

"Ok, so what all did you do?" Steve asked.

"I helped her go to sleep and I just took a peek into whatever her mind was allowing me to," Wanda explained.

"Does that mean these are things she's dreaming about or memories she's thinking of?" Bruce asked, taking notes of his own.

It was hard for her to explain the maneuvers she has to go through in a person's head to see through tunnel vision-type windows created by the complexities of the human mind. Especially people who don't necessarily see it the way she does. But she broke it down for them anyway.

"Memories tied to traumas are a really hard thing to get to. There are parts of the brain that will black it out or make you forget the playbacks of them in order to preserve your nervous system," she explained.

"Unless something triggers it and causes the recollection to piece through," Bruce finished. It was a psychological viewpoint. "Not always 100% telling, but they're based around details of the trauma. Details that play a significance to it are what usually causes the flashback to the scenario to come back."

"The other night when we tried this, I could barely get anything outside of the things we know. The experimentation. The surgeries and sterilized scrubs of doctors over her... Nothing we, unfortunately, didn't know," she sighed. "But tonight..."

"She had a trigger," Bruce mumbled, placing his head in his hand as he thought. "Bucky had said it seemed to be set off originally by the show which caused her to go to the bathroom. Then she had another with the attack, or at least we think... So multiple things could have opened up."

Wanda nodded with pursed lips showing it wasn't anything anyone would want to see. Even though the entire purpose of all this was to recall some of her memories without making her aware of them or having to speak of them again.

"I'm still not sure if it's anything that will help, but I know it's better than nothing."

"We can't let it be nothing. We have too many questions to be answered that any hint we can get, could solve one of them. And that's a step closer than before," Steve concluded.

The three nodded in agreement. They hated going behind a majority of the team's back to find this type of information, but they were desperate.

The two main people they steered clear of were Tony and Bucky.

If Tony figured out, he had the chance to use their facts against them if any of it showed to be threatening. If Bucky found out, there was a chance he would get pissed off for snooping through her mind without her knowledge.

They kept it small with the three of them so that if it came to bite anyone in the butt, it was just them and no more. That and they weren't sure if anything would come out of their idea and didn't want to get hopes up for everyone on the case.

"The first memory I saw was really blurry and hard to grasp. I heard a voice more than anything, but it had to do with... Van Gogh?" Wanda said his name as if checking to see if she was saying it was right.

"Starry Night," Steve mumbled. "Bucky said that she started acting weird when Starry Night by Van Gogh came up." He lifted his head in realization. "What was it that had to do with Van Gogh?"

"From what I could tell, there was a blue and yellowish background to a man that was hanging over her. It was another memory of them experimenting on her and her screams. They were so..." She took a breath as she heard the screams again. "The man was mentioning something about how he was Van Gogh and she was his Starry Night," she said in disgust. "It was the loudest I had heard her from any of the other memories I saw. I feel like it was when she was first brought there. She seemed younger. Her screams were higher pitched and her pleads..." She paused again. "Her pleas were too hopeful for someone who has undergone that kind of treatment for as long as she has."

The two knew what she meant. Yet another thing they believed Bucky related to all too well.

When you have been beaten, bruised, used, and hurt the way they had been, you rarely waste your breath again to beg for something you learn they will never even consider giving you.

"A blue and yellow background?" Bruce asked, opening a tab on Google. "Did it have any shapes like this?"

He turned the phone screen to Wanda showing the famous painting.

"It was blurry, but if I looked hard enough, I would be able to see some of the same patterns I'm sure," she nodded. "Plus, it's the only thing that would make sense to cause that trigger."

"The man said he was Van Gogh and her Starry Night, making him the artist, her the art. Did he think that she was a creation of his?" Steve questioned the symbolism.

"She could very well be," Bruce nodded. "We know from her blood that she's a mutant. Causing the trauma, started her mutation. Suggesting that he didn't know that, he could have believed it was a scientific phenomenon even if it was simple genetics. Yet again, if he did know it would trigger it, he found it as a new study to see if he could trigger anymore or create more in her bloodstream. That's what I got from the breakdown of my blood analysis," Bruce added.

"From our repeated experience, people like that don't do those types of experiments to help others out, but instead themselves," Wanda nodded along.

"No wonder she has a blacked-out memory of most of her recent life," Steve sighed heavily and shook his head.

"There's more..." Wanda said softly, pulling a chair out finally and taking a seat. "That was what I saw once I got past a dark and very difficult threshold. But Bruce, you were right. That girl may have the power to heal at a remarkable rate, but there is something much stronger and more robust at bay."

"It's the other mutation," Bruce was intrigued. "Did you see what it was?"

"No, but I felt something actively in her, but she wasn't able to release it," Wanda shook her head.

"Release it?" Steve questioned in confusion.

"Whatever her power is, it felt like it was being forced to stay in her. Like she didn't have the control to project whatever it was. It would be the equivalent of Peter shooting his web, but they don't go past his feet."

"So they were somehow containing it. How the hell do they do that?" Bruce said in straight bewilderment.

"We won't know anytime soon since they blew the place up," Steve sighed. "Not much was left salvageable or worth our time to put back together since it was all mostly charred."

"They didn't burn one very important thing though," Wanda noted. "And I think we're getting closer to why they were so adamant to keep her powers under their control."

"What are you thinking?" Bruce asked.

"Her second trigger was the one that gave me our next piece of evidence." ___________________________

Y/N woke up in the middle of the night despite a heavy round of magic with Wanda earlier.

She noticed on the clock on the bookshelf across the room that she did manage to get 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep, but in this last hour, she felt off and couldn't stop twisting and turning.

Carefully walking to the bathroom, she opened the doors quietly and turned on the light. She winced at the sudden change of darkness realizing she turned the gawky mirror lights on. She was actively trying to learn the difference between switches after noting one night to Nat that they were bright enough to spotlight at a Toddlers and Tiaras show.

The internet was a strange place with a bunch of useless knowledge... But at least she was learning a lot of pop culture references. 

She fumbled her hand across the wall and managed to turn on the shower light which was dimmer and less in her face.

Afterward, she closed the doors quietly behind her.

Even though there was no one in the room to wake from the light or the sounds, her learned behavior was not to be a nuisance to anyone. Which meant every noise she made, was interpreted in her mind as the loudest sound she could possibly make.

It was a survival habit she would have to learn to break one day.

She stood in front of the sink, trying to decide if she was nauseous, still exhausted, or just needed to splash some cold water on her face.

Her hands lay on the countertop as she gripped the ledge like it was her lifeline.

Looking into her eyes harder, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes and repeating the steps she had learned to calm herself.

Eventually, the nausea left, but the exhaustion lingered. She decided a splash of cold water would be beneficial either way.

Grabbing a cloth from a basket on the counter, she dabbed her face dry from the cold residue. Quickly after, she made eye contact with herself in the mirror.

She had looked in this same position multiple times since arriving at the compound, but after years of never seeing herself, it was continually shocking to her how worn out and defeated she looked.

Her hair had grown quite a bit and though she admired how some of the waves twisted in different directions, as soon as she touched the ends; she remembered how the woman in the bathroom had come out of the stall unexpectedly and used her hair as leverage to get a hold of her.

Flashbacks of the scene came to her mind and she closed her eyes in hopes that it would erase it, but the pain seemed to still be there.

The woman's fist had wrapped around her hair and dragged her down to the floor. While she was grasping to release herself, that's when the other woman grabbed her feet. Quickly after that, she found herself in a chokehold, kicking and screaming to be let go.

She cringed at the memory and looked back into the mirror. She had remembered on one of her deep dives into the internet, that hair holds energy. It was some random website she had clicked through 10 others to happen upon. Eventually, it led her to a youtube chain of girls cutting their hair to release trauma and 'make a choice of their own'...

The thought of cutting her hair was something that passed in thought a time or two, but she decided against it each time.

Now? Now all she could think about was how the woman had used her hair to immobilize her and how all those years could have stored so much bad and heavy energy in something she sees every day.

As if a force had finally pushed her over the edge, she started digging through the cabinets scrambling for whatever she could find to do the job she had in mind.

Nothing in the bathroom drawers or cabinets would cut it. Nothing in the end tables by her bed was helpful.

Then it dawned on her. She looked at the door as if she were ready for someone to come in unannounced. Again, another habit she was hoping to break. Walking over to the desk that was untouched, yet neatly set up on the other side of the room, she began opening and searching through the drawers.

There they were. The second drawer on the left.

She took them out, feeling the apprehension of her plan melt away with each passing second. Moving quickly to the bathroom, she looked back in the mirror and took a deep breath.

This was just another choice that she got to make. And she needed this change after the most recent events.

__________________

Nat received a text from Y/N that evening. She had just got back to the compound after running some errands and it was later than she expected Y/N to be texting.

Yet again, she didn't know Y/N's texting habits as she had just got the phone 2 days ago and had yet to receive anything from her.

Pushing the surprise to the side, she read the text and tilted her head in confusion.

Y/N had asked her in a somewhat coded message if she would meet her in the training room in the next hour or so.

That was 45 minutes ago. She responded back that once she dropped all her things off in her room, she would be in there in ten minutes.

When Nat got to the room, it was empty and the only place lit up was the boxing ring. She looked around for Y/N, but it was quiet and she didn't see her.

Then a woman with short hair and a lounge-type workout set on, turned the corner in the distance while fidgeting with her hands. The stranger looked to be focused on something else and was pacing in her steps.

"Excuse me," Nat started to walk toward her. "Have you seen a girl with-?"

She stopped talking when the woman turned around and Nat noticed it was not a stranger after all.

"Y/N?"

If you would like to be tagged in this series, please send an ask here.Thank you:)

Finding Memories Taglist: (some would not let me tag. so if you see your name but didn’t get the notification, double check if your blog allows tags:)

@tinkerbelle67 @a-beaverhausen @caruhleener @fanfictionjunkie1112 @sjsmith56 @nancymcl @kaygilles @laisbeltrans @matchat3a

Marvel Tags:

@thejourneyneverendsx @death-unbecomes-you @mythos-writes  @srrymydood @xa-dia @redhairedfeistynerd @morganclaire4 @connie326 @captain-asguard @mollygetssherlockcoffee @teenagedreams-bucky @shower-me-with-roses @livstilinski @basicallylool @starryeyeseunbyul

My Lovelies forever:

@natura1phenomenon @lauravicente @kakakatey @traceyaudette @notyourtypicalrose @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce @sandlee44 @thorne93 @thefaithfulwriter1 @essie1876 @greyeyedsmile14 @capsiclehan  @xostephanie @averyrogers83 @awesomenursingstudent @gh0stgurl @cs-please​ @jjlevin​ @rainbowkisses31​ @deannotmoose​ @their-bibliophile​ @kitkatd7​ @willowbleedsonpaper​ @mariaenchanted​ @snffbeebee​ @couldabeenamermaid​ @rebekahdawkins​ @alyispunk​ @billyseye @hallecarey1​

Bucky Barnes Tags:

@chloe-skywalker​ @charmedbysarge​ @jbarness​ @bellamy-barnes​ @katiaw2​ @aikeia​ @stopjustlovethemcu​ @enchantedbarnes​

[tacticalhimbo]

how about some of your favorite facts about your ocs and/or what is a video game you would currently recommend everyone play at least once?

Reblog if you want your followers to anonymously ask you one thing they want to know about you.

ooh! i can answer both of those, but i'll try not to be too wordy with them. no promises though :}

favorite facts about some of my ocs... let's see...

vincent's canon ending change and the rammifications/thematic elements of the phantom liberty dlc. that shit is so good. the death of a legend and the chance to [vera keys voice] begin again

toni coming into his gender identity as a middle-aged person. i love that what started as a "haha what if" has developed into something so... healing. for her. not having a definitive identity and navigating those waters, and trying to balance reputation versus comfort 🥺🥺

imani's fleshed out arc as courier six, and the struggle of balancing... everything. the world is on her shoulders and she just wants to do the right thing but shit! keeps! happening! i love that lonesome road is her healing dlc too... love her and ulysses fr fr

but also everything with tomo. similar reasons to imani, but amplified by the fact tomo is. 19. and has never seen the wasteland before. and is now responsible for so many lives.

as for a video game i would recommend everyone play at least once, there are so many i would recommend with my whole chest. but! right now, my answer is god of war: ragnarök. like.

yes it's a sequel game, but they give you a recap at the beginning and constantly call back to the events of the 2018 game.

the narrative is long. the gameplay is long. i'm playing on the easiest difficulty, not doing many side missions. and my save file is 22, almost 23, hours long. it's a beast of a game to get through, but...

the narrative and characters are so fucking fantastic. genuinely. the way the game handles topics like conflict, grief, family, trust... there are a lot of moments big and small that have actually made me cry. that really resonated with me and stick with me!

and! it comes with a free, yes, FREE full-length dlc that plays like a rogue-esque game, but the story is just as rich as it is in the main campaign, and it only further tackles what grief and growth mean to the individual, and the different ways we can be better.

which is really what the core theme of the game is. we can all be better. we have the potential to do that. it's a tough process not without its challenges, but it is so. so. worth it. to ourselves. to those around us.

like! this is a messy clip but let me show you this off-handed dialog from an optional side quest bc i genuinely cried over this last night.

AND FOR KRATOS TO BE SAYING THIS??? 😭

[weirdstuffthathappens]

WSTH April 22 archive

April 2nd

Today I am launching a website. My name is Frank A. Bennetto. I'm a 24 year old and that's enough for you to know about me for now. I'm launching this website as a sort of oddball "today in history"-ish project. Each day, I'll have a short passage on a specific topic on the site. Topics will include both the dorky and the bizarre. In these first three days I'm talking about anime robots, a horror ARG, and a NASA spacecraft, and topics spiral from there.

I do have a few disclaimers before we begin. Don't expect anything in depth. We are just inspecting the entrances to rabbit holes, not going down them. Obscurity is subjective. you might have heard of everything on this site before or you might have heard of none of it depending on your age, location and how much you look for this kind of stuff, and how strict your parents were/are. If I make any mistakes, message me at: (wsthtomtab@gmail.com) so I can correct them and put the mistake in the "Human Error Gallery". Same email also works for any other questions, suggestions, complaints or other inquiries. 

-------

April 3rd

Today, 70 years ago, the first chapter of Astro Boy (Mighty Atom In Japan) was published. Astro Boy is a good series to get into if you want to get sad about robots. It's about a man who replaces his dead son with a weaponized robot, and then starts being an abusive father to said robot for not being exactly like his dead son. Anyway Astro ends up getting sold to the circus, but the Japanese government gets him out of there and he ends up becoming a superhero.

For the record I don't specifically recommend the original manga, because while it was considered progressive when it was first published in 50's -70's Japan, and was intended to be anti-racist, nowadays… well, there are a number of individual stories that have aged like milk. If you are interested, I recommend the 80's anime that I haven't watched in ten years (I need to rewatch it) but I know is a lot milder, or even the Naoki Urasawa manga "Pluto”, which retells the "The Greatest Robot on Earth'' story arc in a very 00's way.

----------

April 4th

Today is the birthday of the fictional character Alex Kralie from Marble Hornets. Marble Hornets is a horror web series and alternative reality game that ran from 2009-2014 for five years on the date. It's about a Something Awful goon named Jay Merrick investigating why an indie rom com he worked on in college never got finished. The answer is Slenderman, and he has to deal with the answer being Slenderman.

The web series debuted 10 days after the original Slenderman pictures were posted on the Something Awful "make paranormal images" board and honestly I wonder how weird that was for the guy who made Slenderman. Like, you post a photoshop, and two weeks later some guys in Alabama have a video of your photoshop monster. Anyway, I know Slenderman isn't real, because he would have killed me in 2014 if he was.

---------

April 5th

Today is National Caramel Day. Caramel is what happens when sugar is heated up, usually with an amount of usually dairy-based fat, enough so it gets brown and tastes great but not hot enough it burns and tastes awful. Because of this, it is probably one of the easiest places to point in a kitchen and exclaim like, "yep, that's chemistry". 

Caramel is easily as pretty as it tastes. Something about that golden transparent color just always catches my eye. 

One funny thing about caramel is people like to argue about how it's pronounced. The argument is  usually whether it has two or three syllables, and in the United States at least usage is regional enough that people have made maps of where people say it which-way-where. Turns out it's an "east coast vs everyone else" split. Personally, I say both interchangeably. 

-------

April 6th

Today is the anniversary of the first Tony Award ceremonies. For the unaware, the Tonys is the big boy award show for Broadway theater. It maintains its place as the least culturally relevant of the "Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony" combo by being a form of media where unless you live in the right place with enough money to go to these things regularly (or are knee deep in theatrical bootlegging) you definitely haven't seen anything getting an award that year, and can only hope to pick out someone to root for based off soundtracks or the media that the play is based on. 

The Tony awards are named for Antoinette "Tony" Perry, an actress best known for having the Tony awards named after her. There wasn't really a "best play" at the first awards, more of a lot of general honors for a bunch of plays I've never heard of before, and unless you are a theater buff that already knows more about this than me, you probably haven't heard of em either. One of them was titled "Happy Birthday" though, so that's fun. Regardless, I hope anyone who was there in 1947 had a good time. 

-------

April 7th

Today in 2001, a bunch of NASA scientists sent up the Mars Odyssey off to Mars. Its mission is to hang out around the outside of Mars with a bunch of science tools and both record its own data and help earth communicate with the rovers. As of 2022, the craft is still in operation over twenty years later.

The craft shares its name with the classic Greek epic, but it was named for the book "2001: A Space Odyssey", which is best known for its film adaptation. It was kinda too perfect not to do, and plus they politely asked the guy who wrote the book if they could call it that and he was honored so they went for it.

---------

April 8th

Today I'll be telling you about one of the first animations. Ever. "Winsor McCay: The Famous Cartoonist of the N.Y. Herald and His Moving Comics" aka "Little Nemo" was an early theatrical short made in 1911, when cinema was still a baby and animation was but a metaphorical fetus. 

The animation itself is very fluid, and while some of the character designs look kinda "aged bad" they are extremely animated for being from a time when animation wasn't really a thing, and some versions of the short have a prelude of McCay's friends laughing at him for trying to make comics move. And the animated part is even in color.

---------

April 9th

Today is the birthday of the guy that invented Jell-o shots and "Geek Rock", Tom Lehrer. As of writing, Lehere is still with us and is turning 94 today. Lehere is best known for his satirical music stylings and "The Elements Song", in which the periodic table is recited to the tune of "Modern Major General.

One thing that's really cool is that Leher has put all his music in the public domain, which means you can do whatever you want with it pretty much. This is really great; he did that because the public domain system is constipated for no good reason. If I ever do anything cool, I'll put it in the public domain when I die. If this website is the cool thing, well, I don't have anyone else to run it if anything happens to me at the moment. I'll look into fixing that. 

[EDITOR’S NOTE: You do now, Tom.]

-------

April 10th

Today we are talking about probably one of the most recent topics I'll cover, because only two years ago, scientists got the first actual image of a black hole. And the image was mostly orange, which is kinda a contrast to most people making them purple or blue beforehand.

I remember hearing a few people say the images looked a bit blurry when they came out, but you also have to realize how far away it was.  55 million light-years away, which technically means the imagery as it hit our planet was 55 million years old. After they get big enough numbers start to feel fake, but you have to appreciate how old and far away it was just for us to manage to take its picture. 

----------

April 11th

Today is National Pet Day. Pets are a thing I'm glad exist. We really went right when we decided to just have animals around for companionship and started the process now known as domestication. They say unlike most other domestic animals, cats domesticated themselves by just showing up on farms and eating the mice and moles that would eat the crop and the farmers would let them stay because of free pest control.

People tend to forget pigeons are domestic animals, being domesticated doves. I don't know if any of the  reptiles, amphibians and fish we keep as pets are domesticated the way mammals or birds are, but a number of them make good pets from us simulating their habitats for them in our own homes to sadly mixed results. Always do research before getting a new pet because the needs of an animal can be very specific. 

-----------

April 12th

Today Disneyland Paris opened for the first time, but it wasn't Disneyland Paris yet. When it first opened it was called Euro Disneyland. Out of the 6 "Castle Parks" Disney has, it is the third and the first one outside of the US. Disneyland Paris is the only Disney park in Europe.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: OBJECTION! EuroDisney, as it was colloquially called, opened today in 1992, but Tokyo Disneyland opened on April 15th a whole nine years earlier. The Parisian park was the FOURTH castle park, and the second non-US park. You better put on this little green hat and several questions about your anthropomorphic relationship to Pluto, Tom, because you’re a goof now.

Also, while I’m here? Nobody in Europe uses “Euro” to refer to continental matters, so Disney was being extra cultureblind here. They named their failed moneymaker “Dollar Disney.” Appropriate.]

When it was built a lot of people were pissed off that they were bringing the very American concept of a Disney park to France, and nobody showed up until they made Space Mountain. This space mountain was themed to the book " From the Earth to the Moon" by Jules Verne. A lot of people said it was even better than a regular space mountain! 

So then they took out the cool parts and changed it to be Star-Wars themed. Because Star Wars.

-------------

April 13th

Today is the birthday of a board game I'm bad at: Scrabble. Scrabble started off as a game called Lexiko, which got reworked into Criss-Crosswords, which got reworked into Scrabble. And then Captain Macy's got into it and now it belongs to Hasbro.

My friend Mouse, who is in a board game club, says the key to being good at Scrabble is to memorize the dictionary. I think she's right because of a guy named Nigel. Nigel Richards won the French scrabble championship after memorizing the French dictionary, and he didn't even speak French.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: While it’s come in handy at Tabletop Tuesdays, I actually learned the dictionary thing from my dad. It’s true. And to everyone who has a different, much stronger association of what this day is? Don’t tell Tom. We must keep some innocence in the world.]

--------------

April 14th

Today, 2001 ago, the first Animal Crossing game came out on the Nintendo 64 in Japan, a game that never hit the states, Dōbutsu no Mori, or Animal Forest in English. Unlike the GameCube game that came to the English speaking world a year later, Animal Forest was deemed too wordy and Japanese to translate, but they changed enough content when they ported it to GameCube that they decided to translate it.

While not an entirely different game, there were a lot of little and less little changes. They didn't have the clothing store or the boat rides. Holidays were reworked. They removed a blood splatter shirt and replaced it with a fish bones shirt.  Stuff like that.

------------

April 15th

Today a bunch of years ago Cartoon Network got it's first tv show, not counting the Moxy show which was more of a tv block, but that's it's own can of worms. We are talking about "Space Ghost Coast to Coast" today. A show with the simple premise of having "Celebrities" interviewed by old Hana Barbara characters.

The show did remarkably well, running for 11 seasons and 108 episodes, 2-5 spin off shows, and it's also the reason Adult Swim is a thing. It's hard to decide what to say about this one as the show did a lot of weird and fun stuff, but this one sticks out off the top of my head. They had an episode where the episode didn't really have an ending, and if you wanted to know the ending you had to buy the script off eBay.  I think that script is lost in the lost media dimension now, assuming it was ever real.

------

April 16th

Today is the birthday of an artist you have probably seen the work of but don't know by name. Florentijn Hofman is an Dutch artist best known for his giant, often inflatable statues. While his 21 meter inflatable hippopotamus "Hippopothames" and his 82 ft tall "Moon Bunny" are marvels in their own right, he is best known for a particular duck.

If you have ever seen that picture online of a giant rubber duck in a harbor, dwarfing boats and making men look bug sized, you have already seen "Rubber Duck", Hofman's best known work. Sponsored by " Yogho!Yogho!" This giant duck was actually 4 or so different ducks varying in size, situated in different cities, but they were all modeled after the same base duck designed by Tolo Toys.

-------

April 17th

Today is Bat appreciation day and if you think we need to wait till October to be talking about bats get off my website. Anyway bats are mice evolved to have superpowers that would be extraordinarily powerful if it wasn't still mouse sized. They have two main tricks. The first is that they can fly with weird wing arms, not gliding like squirrels or sugar gliders but flying like birds do. The second is echolocation which is self explanatory, they use echoes to location.

All of this might be painfully obvious If you are old enough to be on this website (it's 14+ here if you skipped the FAQ) but sometimes it's worth restarting the obvious, just for calibration. That being said, the biggest type of bats are known as flying foxes and those guys are pretty big. The actual vampire bats that eat blood are actually really tiny, like golf ball sized. 

----

April 18th

Today is the release anniversary of a classic video game, Portal 2. It's actually turning 20 this year. Portal 2 is such a classic at this point it feels weird looking back on that first playthrough, I got it because I had thought the robots looked cool and man I was blown away. I kinda wish I played Portal 1 first but I was like, kinda young when it came out. 

It's hard to pick out one detail of portal two to point out as something odd and wonderful. I mean everything from the ratman to the music to the potato ARG, to the old 2013 online culture around it. Or it's weird crossovers in the Poker Night 2 and LEGO Dimensions games. I'm just going to heavily suggest you play it if you haven't before.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Nintendo and Valve recently announced a re-release of both games as part of the Portal Companion Collection for the Nintendo Switch, if you’d like to pick up both for a total of $20, though they haven’t given a release date outside of “2022”. Also, if you think we’re sponsored, you’re insane.]

-------

April 19th

Today is the publication anniversary of a very interesting case of someone predicting the future and being fairly accurate. In 65', Gordon Moore, who is now known for co-founding Intel, made the prediction that "the number of transistors in a dense integrated circuit doubles about every two years". 

If you don't know what that means, it means the power number on a microchip, well, doubles about every two years. The funny thing is he was right. Was being the key word. Scientists are about to the wall where we can't get 'em small enough fast enough. That being said we did go from that transistor number from the 10⁴s to the 10¹⁰s in that time, and that's nothing to sneeze at. 

-----

April 20th

Today is National Banana Day. Bananas have a dark secret I'd love to talk about. We might lose bananas as we know them and it wouldn't be the first time something like this happened. Until the 1950's the go too banana was the "Gros Michel". The problem was disease struck the variety and wiped out the crop.

The reason the problem got so big was because of the way bananas are grown, as there's not a ton of genetic variety from the asexual way they usually reproduce. Anyway, they swapped banana varieties to "Cavendish" and it's been going great for years but Cavendish has the same genetic vulnerability of its successor. We can only hope the bananas stay healthy.

-----

April 21st

Today is the anniversary of the Broadway debut of the musical Annie. You probably already know this one but on the off chance you don't it's the story of a little red haired orphan girl who's adopted by some rich old guy who wants a boy but starts to adjust to being a girl dad. I won't spoil the rest for you but if you've somehow seen the Stuart Little movie before this one the plot will feel familiar even if it did it first.

There's two places where it gets weird. The first is that it's actually based on a comic strip where her foster dad's wife keeps kicking her out of the house, until he died because he hated that Franklin D. Roosevelt got re-elected as president. But her on-and-off dad wasn't really dead, just in a coma, that he came out of once FDR died. The second is that in the musical Roosevelt is the big good guy who fixes everything. I don't know who made that change but they definitely knew what they were doing.

---------

April 22nd

Today is Earth day. A day dedicated to that lovely little rock in an ocean of void we all call home. If you don't call earth home, e-mail me. Anyway, Earth. I'm going to share some classic Earth Day fun facts, true of 2022 when this was posted. 

The highest mountain is Mount Everest at 29,031.7 ft tall. The lowest trench is the Mariana Trench 36,037 feet deep. The biggest animal is the blue whale, and they are usually 80 feet long and 300,000 pounds heavy. About 71% of the surface of the earth is oceans and water.

------

April 23rd

Today, too many years ago by now, the first YouTube video was posted. "Me at the zoo" was posted on a blank YouTube, a website barely resembling the current juggernaut of a website it is now. 

The video itself is exactly what you'd expect from something called "me at the zoo". It's a 19 second clip of home footage of YouTube co-founder Jawed Karim at the San Diego Zoo. He's standing in front of the elephants and telling the camera they are cool because of their long trucks. You gotta apprentice how mundane it is. A video that would have just been sentimental at best if not weaved into the history of one of the most popular websites on the internet.

---------

April 24th

Today in 2006 Pluto got demoted from an outer circle planet to a dwarf planet. A lot of people say Pluto is no longer a planet but I feel like this is misleading. Pluto is now classified as a dwarf planet and is one of 5 named dwarf planets,the other four being: Ceres, Eris, Haumea, and Makemake.

Personally I think we should count the dwarf planets in discussions of our solar system, as even if they are small and wild, they have enough of a level of consistency among themselves. If anyone asks me how many planets there are, I'll tell them 8, still, probably, if I don't have time to explain. But if I do have a chance to make my case, my answer is 13. 

---------

April 25th

Today we celebrate a funny little bird. That's right it's Penguin Day. Penguins are funny little dudes who live south of the equator, and contradictory to popular belief, they don't all live at the south pole. Along with one variety that lives on the equator, and there are a number of Australian penguin subspecies. 

Probably the best known penguin breed is the emperor penguin. Of all the kinds of penguins they are the tallest and they are known for doing this egg thing. The thing is the male penguins hold the eggs a majority of the incubation while the mama penguins go hunt. On the flip side, the smallest type of penguin is the blue penguin, and it is actually blue.

---------

April 26th

Today is the oldest date I can find for a YouTube video that won't leave my head. One that objectively has meaty organs in it but it always makes me feel something. Teddy Has An Operation by ZeFrank was a video made for the BuzzFeed website and true to the name a guy performs surgery on a teddy bear. 

The thing is the bear has organs. Non plush organs. This is not a video for a squeamish and I've seen people kinda compare it to "Don't Hug Me I'm Scared", but it's kinda a different flavor of irony.

There's just something oddly genuine to the short. It feels childlike in a "what kids are actually like" way. Like if  you asked a kid what happens at a stuffed animal hospital this is what they would describe as what would happen there, or maybe just me. I was a weird kid. 

---------

April 27th

Today is the anniversary of a famous television broadcast interruption that isn't the Max Headroom incident. In 1986, a man going by Captain Midnight hacked the satellite video feed of the channel HBO, his message was one of frustration: 

GOODEVENING HBO, FROM CAPTAIN MIDNIGHT, $12.95/MONTH? NO WAY !

[SHOWTIME/MOVIE CHANNEL BEWARE!].

Nobody who watched it was really that concerned but the HBOFCCFBI combo definitely were. The guy got hit with a fine and probation, and they made the laws stronger to make sure people didn't do it again. To this day, the guy who did it maintains he just wanted to give HBO a polite message and he was just disappointed with the $13 a month. 

---------

April 28th

Today Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon'' was first unleashed to the masses. Aside from its iconic album art and being a good record, it's best known for people playing it over the Wizard of Oz, and there being some points where it lines up too well. Some people swear the band somehow did it on purpose but it's all coincidence.

The thing is it is all just confirmation bias, as people have tested the album with other, silly movies like Shrek and Paul Blart 2. So I think the album just lines up with stuff well. I like the one guy who did different They Might Be Giants songs over the Wizard of Oz, that was cool.

---------

April 29th

Today it's time to get down. It's International Dance Day. Chosen for the birthday of Jean-Georges Noverre aka the guy who invented "modern ballet", this holiday is about dancing. I'm going to use this as an excuse to tell you about the dancing plague of 1518.

So in 1518 a lot of people, usually guessed to be around 50-400 people, just started dancing and kept going for a couple months. A lot of people say most of them died but other sources say that's bullcrap and there were no casualties reported at the time, and it was so long ago I imagine there was a lot of telephone game about the situation either way. But regardless, the 1500's were wild.

---------

April 30th

Today Pokémon Emerald was first released in the United States.  Now I'll admit I probably care about Pokémon more than the next guy. Not the most spicy confession but if you haven't figured out I'm a dweeb yet, I can't help you. Anyway yeah Pokémon.

But this is a mostly sentimental entry because Emerald was my first video game. I had gotten hooked on the anime, and there was a Gen 2 Pokédex book in my elementary school library I had already memorized by the time November hit. So My folks decided a black Gameboy SP with the new Pokémon game would be a good gift. I wish I still had that Gameboy.

[cblgblog]

I have just…so many problems with Irondad, some of which I’ve seen expressed already, some not, and I need to say this at least once.

I don’t believe the common anti-Irondad thing that says Tony never cared about Peter. He did, in his very Tony, very problematic way. He loves Peter, I think, very much the way Howard loved him. We only got glimpses of Howard as a dad, mostly from Tony’s perspective, but we can make assumptions here. Howard probably thought Tony was the greatest thing in the world, and a blast to hang out with. Whenever Howard wanted to be a dad. He would’ve loved teaching Tony things, showing him off, having fun with him. But when Howard didn’t want to hang out? When Howard was working on something important? No, sorry, dad mode off, go away, Maria come get him. We see that with Peter and Tony. All Peter wants is acceptance, another mission with Tony. He wants validation. But he can’t even reach Tony because Tony’s put Happy in charge of him, and Happy doesn’t want to deal with some stupid kid in Queens, at least during Homecoming. It’s a very Howard move, parenting/mentoring when it’s convenient.

Which, you know what? Not in and of itself horrible. Tony would learn what he lived, and follow it. It makes sense, generational patterns and all that. It could’ve led to an interesting story, about Peter or someone else in Tony’s life pointing out the parallels, and then Tony has a moment of realization and tries to correct. I wouldn’t have loved that story, because Peter’s storyline being so connected with Tony’s at the expense of his own has always bothered me, but it could’ve been done decently.

What do we get instead? We get Tony paying lip service in Homecoming to wanting to break the cycle, and then totally failing at that 5 minutes later. He was mad, he was scared, that’s legit. People say unfair things when they’re reacting out of fear. But he tears Peter down for what happened on the ferry, and makes him feel like shit. Why? Because Tony had the FBI involved, Peter was meant to stay away, and he didn’t. Well how the hell was Peter supposed to know that? He can’t talk to Tony at all. Happy’s been ghosting him for months. The last time he thought Tony was there for him, it was one of the suits, Tony was still off in Tony’s world. How would Peter ever think that Tony had heard him this time, and was taking action? Tony didn’t tell him as much. Happy didn’t. All either of them would need to do is send a text saying hey, I hear you, I’m on this, I have people on this. But Tony is Tony, he can’t tie his shoes without Pepper, and he has either a hyperfixated attention span, or none at all, depending on the day. He either forgot to tell Peter, or worse, didn’t think it necessary. And if he was a proper mentor, if he knew Peter at all, he would know that Peter’s sense of responsibility was going to kick in there, unless he had reason to believe things were going to be okay without him.

Tony doesn’t know Peter. He puts an instant kill function on a 15-year-old kid’s suit because he thinks it’s a cool feature, and he enjoys building cool things. If he knew Peter at all, Tony would know that Peter’s a no kill hero. You can argue that those advanced features weren’t meant to be hacked into, so it’s not Tony’s fault. Except it is. Tony admits in CW that he hacked the Pentagon in high school on a dare. He knows that genius boys do stupid things. He knows teenagers don’t follow rules. He knows that if you tell a kid not to do a thing, you’re just guaranteeing he’ll want to do it more now. Tony may not know exactly how smart Peter is (I’m sure he doesn’t), but he has enough of an idea that safety measures, actual measures, should’ve been in place. Instead of a hackable training wheels protocol? Just keep those features off his first suit, save them for the next model, when the kid’s ready. We know Tony doesn’t mind building new models of suits. But Tony doesn’t do that, because Tony.

Yeah, the instant kill came in handy in Endgame against Thanos’s army. Still doesn’t make it okay.

Again, it reeks of Howard style parenting. You didn’t use this awesome thing I gave you right? Here then, I’m taking it away. No talks, no explanations or compromise or Tony training Peter to avoid the mistakes he so wants Peter to avoid, just, we’re done. Which is exactly how Howard probably would’ve handled it. I let you in my lab once and you broke something you didn’t know how to use? Okay, well, never doing that again.

To be clear, I don’t blame Tony for yanking the suit, exactly. It was a very human, kneejerk reaction. And more importantly, it allowed Peter to show that he did not need Tony’s toys to be a hero. The problem is that Tony, as usual, never gets to realize his mistakes. Peter yells at him a little right before the suit gets taken about not being listened to, but Tony doesn’t retain any of it. It doesn’t matter. He never has a moment of, what I did here was not okay and this is why. What do we get instead? Him telling Peter at the end of Homecoming how Peter screwed up, but hey, you fixed it. You were dumb, but you fixed it. No acknowledgement that Tony screwed up anything. Because, of course not. The lesson for Tony isn’t hey, I went too fast with this kid, he wasn’t ready, I didn’t prepare him. There is no lesson. Tony, as in basically every appearance since Iron Man 3, learns nothing.

Oh, and the Homecoming ending. Yeah. Tony sees no problem with having a 15-year-old move into the mansion and go full-time Avenger. His aunt, his guardian? Nah, why would she mind that, it’s fine.

I’ve talked elsewhere about my problems with Infinity War Irondad, but basically, most of Tony’s interaction with Peter there involves telling him to shut up, the grownups are talking, you’re not supposed to be here, you’re too young and dumb. Even when Peter absolutely helps the team. Also, too young and dumb? He wasn’t 5 minutes ago, when you were going to make him an Avenger, and he was the one smart enough to realize this was a bad idea. Tony’s so mad Peter didn’t listen to him and go home. If he’d truly listened, he’d have been an Avenger at the start of the film, so he’d be there anyway.

The dusting scene with him and Peter? It hurt. It was brutal and beautiful. That’s because Tom Holland, and yes, RDJ, can act, not because it was earned by the narrative of the last three movies.

As for Endgame. That photo Tony has of him and Peter goofing off. So cute, right? Probably taken at some point before May knew the truth, as a hey, we need a cover story for your aunt, but, you know,  it’s fine. I don’t doubt Tony loved Peter. That he grieved Peter and felt his loss for 5 years, and maybe that’s part of why he’s such a good dad to Morgan. But he didn’t love Peter the right way. He did it selectively. He missed him when he was gone, but didn’t pay enough attention when he was alive. The hug near the end was beautiful, but unearned.

And then there’s May and Ben. May does not deserve to be villainized, killed off, or flat-out ignored the way she is in so many fanon interpretations just so Irondad can be a thing. May helped Peter prepare for his homecoming dance last minute. She got him dressed, taught him how to tie a tie, taught him to dance. All while Tony was back to ignoring him. But assume for a second that this had happened earlier, when Peter was still technically in Tony’s good books. Assume for a second that he’d been able to reach Tony and ask for advice, because he’s scared and excited and needs help. Tony would’ve made a few jokes about spiked punch, a few more crude, sexist jokes about Peter’s date, and signed off. May dropped everything and spent hours helping this kid, reassuring him. May is so unappreciated and flat-out abused by some of the fanbase, and it’s gross.

And Ben. Who’s Ben? Have we even heard his name in any of the movies Peter’s appeared in yet? Oh, we got his initials on a suitcase in FFH, not even a verbal acknowledgement. Great. I am not advocating an origin story. We’ve seen it, we know the basics, it’s fine. But Ben has been shown, for almost 60 years, to be the most influential person in Peter’s life. Losing Ben the way he did shaped Peter’s whole life afterward. And we have yet to see a photo? An old video? A 30 second flashback scene? We don’t know any of the MCU’s version of how Ben was killed. At all. Are they for some reason going with a rewrite where Peter had nothing to do with it? Don’t know, because it’s been 5 movies so far and they’ve given us nothing. Ben’s death regularly tops lists of the most influential deaths in comics, and we have nothing. Instead we get scene after scene of Tony perpetuating a dysfunctional relationship with Peter, and never facing consequences, or even realizing it.

By the way? Ben, if he’s anything like any canon version ever, would hate Tony. Ben is consistently shown before his death to be a very hands-on parent. He doesn’t understand most of Peter’s science stuff, but he encourages it, and stays involved as much as he can. He, barring a truly monumental canon rewrite that we know nothing about if it happened, taught Peter that great power means great responsibility. Contrast this with Tony, who as stated, pays more attention to building Peter cool suits than he does Peter. Who, on being confronted by a mother about the death of her son, caused by him, does what? Immediately wants to shift all responsibility to the government, so that the next time he screws up, he can say he was just following the law. Who was confronted by a grieving mother, and then 5 minutes later came into May Parker’s home and lied to her face. Something he continued to do, and would’ve continued, if May hadn’t found the truth on her own. He lies to her, takes her underage son (yes I’m saying son because she and Ben raised that boy, not Tony) out of the country without her knowledge. He threatened to reveal Peter’s identity to get him there. He does not tell Peter that the Accords would’ve done that anyway. He doesn’t tell Peter much of anything about why he’s there or what he’s fighting for. Either because he knows that telling the truth means not having Peter on his side, or because he simply doesn’t care to. Either way is gross, manipulative, disgusting, and would have Ben Parker rolling in his grave.

Yeah, it was fun having Peter in CW. Some of his scenes with Tony are genuinely fun. The above points though? Still stand.

So yeah, Irondad. in theory, okay. It makes sense that Peter would want guidance, a mentor after Ben died. It makes sense he’d look up to Tony. They could have addressed Howard’s shitty parenting via Tony’s shitty parenting, and maybe told an interesting story with it by contrasting Tony’s parenting style to Ben’s. Irondad in actual canon? There’s no parenting. There’s child endangerment, verbal abuse, and no payoff to any of it. The most we get is Happy admitting in FFH that Tony was a mess, but not for all the right reasons. He gets called out for other things, if you can even say he’s called out. Not for his awful treatment of an impressionable minor who’d lost his real father (Ben, assuming they stick with comics and have Peter lose his parents at a very young age).

I will never stop saying that Peter deserved better. I hope he gets it now that Tony’s gone.

[weepingvoidpenguin]

One of Your Favorites

Jealous Bucky x Reader

Summary: You have an objective. Get Rumlow to confess. Simple enough, right? No. Aside from his usual condescending attitude towards you, Bucky has made it extremely apparent that he doesn’t think you’re capable of - well, anything, but especially not handling Rumlow. And yet, he is the biggest challenge of this entire ordeal.

Warning: T R I G G E R WARNING!! ATTEMPTED SA, DRUGS, language, light smut. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT READ IF SA WILL TRIGGER YOU. 

Word Count: 8.3k

   “We have good intel stating he’s working as a double agent for HYDRA. Selling information, exploiting tactics, even going so far as to tell them where we’ll be and when.” Natasha scanned the room, making sure she had everyone’s attention during the briefing. 

   You slouched back in your swivel chair and twisted to-and-fro slightly with your hands gripping the arm rests on either side. It took all of your willpower to act engrossed in her words. And you meant every single drop. You’d been paying attention, sure, but the only issue was the dominating presence two seats to your right and directly in your line of sight to Natasha. You rolled your chair to the left to clear the path for the third time, only for him to block your way without missing a beat. The growl that left your mouth was nearly involuntary. Nearly.

   How long would this man act like a child? Despite his graceful and seemingly unsuspecting movements, you were fully aware his placement was intentional. This was not the first, nor did you doubt that it would be the last, time that Bucky acted impudently toward you. Frankly, you’d grown bored of his behavior. It was the same thing everyday. He would act a nuisance during the briefings, speak over you whenever he had the chance, steal the limelight from you and invalidate any concerns or thoughts you shared. The whole charade grew tiring and he had been dancing on thin ice for months now.

   You averted your gaze from burning holes through the freshly washed, brown locks and switched your attention back up to the redhead. Thankfully, too, because you managed to catch the end of her sentence just as she locked eyes with you.

   “And that’s why Y/N is going to be the one to extract the information from him,” she finished.

   You blinked, “Wait, what?” 

   Bucky straightened his posture and threw a quick glance your way, “Yeah, what? She’s got no heat, couldn’t toast marshmallows if we gave her all day. She shouldn’t lead this, she wouldn’t know how,”

   “Well, tonight might be a good time to start learning, then,” Steve chimed in, throwing a wink your way. You smiled and appreciated his aid, not because you needed it but because at this point, you were seething and if you opened your mouth to defend yourself this meeting would go south, quickly. Luckily, Steve always believed you were capable of a great deal of things and knew you strove for more experience so any opportunity to lead or expand was one he thought you should take. 

   “Besides,” Tony spoke up, twirling a platinum pen between his fingers from across the table, “our little double-agent has always had the hots for Y/N so unless you’re gonna be the one to bat your eyelashes at him and get him alone in a room, Mr. Barnes, we have to use his own flaws against him.” He turned to face you and held up a hand, “Not to say that liking you is a flaw, you’re great Hot-Stuff but exploiting him is our best option indefinitely,”

   “Do I have to seduce him?” You huffed, crossing your arms over your chest and raising a brow towards Nat, trying your damned hardest to avoid the unmistakable glare the brown-haired super soldier was sending your way. 

   “The only thing you have to do is extract any information on him that you can. Get him a little drunk, catch him in a slip-up or two, take note of any inconsistent stories and be on your merry way,” she reassured, “How you manage to do that is up to you,”

   “Ooh, extortion,” Clint chirped up from the far back corner, his hands rubbing together maliciously around an arrow he pulled from his sheathe, something you noticed he did a lot when he was uninterested; be it a person, mission, or conversation.

   “No. Not extortion,” Steve shut it down and you chuckled at how Clint’s countenance fell into one of disappointment. 

   “Not yet anyway,” Natasha mumbled and you sighed as she walked around the room and handed each of you a folder with your individual objectives inside.

   “But he’s such a pervert,” you grumbled.

   “All the easier,” 

~

   The rest of the day was drudged with Nat while she taught the pertinence of body language (both yours and theirs), verbal ruses, and overall ensnarement. You bat your eyelashes until you were certain you would catch enough wind to fly away, smirked enough that your cheeks began to ache and raised your eyebrows ‘til you felt the impending wrinkles on your forehead. By the end of the drill you weren’t sure you were even going to make it to the company party from the migraine creeping its way on.

   “How’s the bait coming along?” His voice alone caused you to roll your eyes but you paid no mind while you rubbed at your temples and stood up alongside Natasha.

   “She’s not gonna be able to lie to me any time soon but she can flirt her way to whatever she wants,”

   “Benefits of targeting a narcissistic misogynist, they don’t think anyone can fool them.” Tony belted as he sauntered into the room with strawberries, offering them out to you while he munched on one.

   “She’ll still mess it up,” Bucky countered, “Make someone else do it,”

   You plucked the fruit off Tony’s tray and examined it, trying to figure out whether you were going to consume it or use it as a weapon.

   “I really appreciate your words of encouragement, James. Unfortunately, they’re not wanted, nor are they needed.” You bit into the fruit and glided towards the door, looking over your shoulder at the super soldier, “So unless you actually have something to contribute, I suggest you stay the hell out of my way while I get the job done,”

   Nat walked out behind you and handed you a tiny, skin-colored device meant to conceal itself and you placed it in your ear. 

   “The conversation is gonna be recorded so we can catch any inconsistencies. We’ll all be able to hear what you’re saying so tread on delicate waters but don’t be afraid to shake mountains if you have to,”

   You nodded and opened your door for her to enter your room knowing she’d want to help you get ready for the event. Natasha, shocking as it turns out, enjoys company while preparing for events. She would much prefer to be surrounded by people than be alone. You never had gall to ask her why that is. Or maybe you respected her too much to ask.

   An hour had passed, maybe two, but you enjoyed the silence between you both. There was no need to fill the empty quiet when it was so comfortable and welcoming. You two spoke without words at times and that was probably your favorite personal skill. Eventually, there came a knock on your door and you opened to find Wanda with her flat iron and make-up bag in tow. It’d long since been decided that your room was the gathering center.

   Wanda helped you finish touching up your outfit and you waited on your bed while they finished getting ready. Nat occasionally quizzed you on certain situations and how you should act depending on the tones and moods of the conversation. You tried to explain that you didn’t have difficulty reading a room but Nat tested you all the same. 

   “And if he puts his hand on your thigh?” She called out from your bathroom.

   “Then he loses it,” you practically sang in response.

   You were met with a flying hairbrush and laughed at the onslaught.

   “You’re not the only one with that mentality,” Wanda called out as well, her iron glossing over thin strands of hair.

   “Nat knows I can handle myself.” You sat up on the bed and went over to your closet to collect your favorite pair of shoes to go along with the formal attire Nat selected for tonight. “What a coincidence that we happen to have a company party the same night we have to extract information,” you hollered over your shoulder, moving aside terribly worn shoes while you scoured for the pair you had in mind.

   “This objective has been in the works for weeks now,” Nat released the tendril of hair from around the barrel and pinned it to her head so it could cool.

   “Wow, thanks for the heads up, then.” You gripped the desired pair and placed them beside your nightstand for later.

   “The plan wasn’t solid until we knew for a fact that Rumlow was coming. It’s a company party so it’s not mandatory but once he heard you were making an appearance, it didn’t take very much persuading,”

   You rolled your eyes and plopped back down on your mattress, “He’s so annoying, I doubt I can hold much of a conversation with him,”

   “Take a shot or two to ease your nerves, if he sees you drinking it’ll put him at ease too. He’ll be more inclined to drink,” Natasha recommended. “But don’t act too out of character. If you were always curt and short with him and suddenly you start acting over-friendly, he may get suspicious. He’s an idiot but he’s a paranoid one,”

   You nodded, taking a mental note to have a half-empty bottle in your grasp when Rumlow arrives. If he thinks you’ve already been drinking, he might also consider catching up. 

   “Y/N? Not uptight for once?” Wanda sarcastically questioned. “I can’t picture it,”

   “Oh, fuck off,” you grumbled and in turn received laughter from the two girls. “Besides, of all of us I’m by far the least uptight. Barnes takes the cake for that one,”

   There was a beat of silence that you didn’t register before you were met with a response.

   “Ya know, he’s not as bad as you paint him out to be.” Nat unpinned the curl from her head and moved on to the next section, “He’s got some serious loyalty and always willing to volunteer first for everything,”

   You lifted your head to stare at her reflection through the mirror, “What are you talking about? He’s annoying and irate and lacks a filter,”

   “Mmm, irate isn’t the word I would use,” Wanda countered, looking over to Natasha.

   Nat shook her head in response, “I’d lean more towards . . . over-protective,” 

  “Much better,” Wanda agreed.

   You squinted your eyes at their image and felt the corners of your lips turn downwards, “Over-protective? Since when are you two defending Barnes?”

   “We’re not defending him, per say.” Wanda glanced over to Nat, “We’re just trying to give you a fresh perspective,” 

   “You could give me a brand new pair of eyes and I’d still see him the same,” you retorted, now leaning on your elbows due to the strain on your neck. 

   They ignored the comment, “And he’s only annoying to you,”

   “You’re telling me he doesn’t annoy you at all?” You asked, an eyebrow raised.

   “More like . . . he doesn’t go out of his way to mess with us.” Nat applied a nude color onto her lips.

   “So you agree that he goes out of his way to irritate me,” you stated rather than asked.

   “That’s been made very apparent,” Wanda responded. “But you have to wonder why,”

   You huffed a little and sprawled back out on the bed just to result in staring at the ceiling above. If you looked hard enough your mind would create pictures from the chaos of the cracks and shapes began to form. Sometimes, when the night lay still and life seemed to dwindle at the edges of your reality, you could swear a familiar face fashioned together and your imagination ran wild with the images you’d see. Some that brought a warmth to your cheeks even now. 

   You shot up out of bed and shook the memories from your vision. Ugh. He haunts you even when he’s not actively tormenting you. How he’s managed to crawl his way so deeply within your skin you had no idea but you fought for control of your thoughts whenever you caught them slipping into that hellhole.

   “Or slipping into euphoria,” Wanda chimed in.

   “Wanda!” You scolded, crossing your arms, “Euphoria my ass,”

   “Yeah, he thinks so too,” she continued and you chucked the abandoned hairbrush back their way. 

   “Stay out of my head,” you jokingly sniped at her but was met with a low chuckle.

   “I didn’t even have to be in your head to know what you were thinking of,” Nat defended and caught your weapon of choice.

   “Are you guys done yet?” You rolled your eyes and stretched yourself out before swiping up the pair of heels you’d chosen and sliding them onto your feet.

   “Why? Are you in a hurry to see a certain someone?” Natasha teased and Wanda let out an eruption of laughter.

   “All right, I’m done.” You made a beeline for the door and threw it open, “Lock up when you’re finished!” You bellowed over your shoulder and made your way to the top floor of the building where all the parties are typically held.

   You didn’t run into anyone on the way up and you used that time to calm yourself, prying inch by inch away from the invasive thoughts that called for you in the darkest hours of the night. But, then again, maybe those tormenting thoughts weren’t that bad? You mean, he certainly IS handsome, very much so actually. And he has the most knee-wobbling smirk you’d ever come to know, not to mention those little tricks he does with his knives always manage to entrance you. God, did he know how to use a knife. 

   On more than one occasion had you caught yourself staring at how his hands encapsulated the hilt of the blade. How they clenched and relaxed, drawing out some of the more prominent veins on one of the extremities; of course, you were even more so enticed by the hand he hid as well. You’d imagined what it felt like to have such strong hands grip onto your thighs and coax you into spreading them open with just a few teasing touches here and there. You couldn’t fathom the front you’d put up would last very long, he was stellar at pulling reactions from you. He’d see you break under his caresses and he’d degrade you like he always did but this time it’d emit a different response from you, one that made you whimper and shake. At that, he’d probably call you a good girl, he definitely seems the type to switch between degradation and praise, and would press his mouth up just where you wanted it the most. You’d try your hardest to be quiet but damn the way that tongue moved against you and the way he’d pull you harder against his face at each sound of pleasure you let slip past your lips. He’d enjoy it, too. Eyes closed as he devours you, he likes to put on a show for you to watch. Give you a memory that’ll slick your thighs later that night if he hadn’t fucked you into a coma by then. He’d make you watch him and if you dared to close your eyes you’d earn a firm, cold smack on your ass. He knows you like when he uses temperature play. He growls a little too, he can’t help his innate behavior. Then, just as the accumulation is coming to its apex he’d pull away abruptly and kiss you straight on your mouth so you can taste yourself and that’d earn him another whimper which would result in another smack that leads to that cold metal trailing its way to your core and just as he pushes the tip of his finger inside-

   You cough and straighten your posture as the elevator door opens. When had you leaned up against the back wall of the elevator? Oh Gods, you could feel the slick at the apex of your thighs and you squeezed them together as inconspicuously as you could in fear that you were producing a . . . scent that would be rather difficult to conceal. But the slick only grew worse when you locked eyes with the person stepping into the elevator.

   Fuck.

   “That’s what you chose to wear?” He asked, a certain venom in his tone that immediately calmed the ache in your heat.

   “And what would you have me wear instead, Barnes?” You quipped back, your body facing forward as he took his place beside you in the cramped space.

   There was a beat of silence. Then another. “Not that,” he responded.

   “Well I’ll make sure to ask you next time since you have such impeccable taste,” you retorted, your eyes yet to abandon the sight of the closing doors.

   You weren’t sure of all the effects of the Super Soldier Serum that had been injected into Bucky and all that it heightened but you prayed to any God that would listen that his hearing wasn’t one of those things. You were too preoccupied with attempting to settle the hot pulse beating between your legs to worry about how loud your discomfort came across.

   “What do you look so nervous about?” Bucky’s gruff voice prodded. “You can’t possibly be nervous about the mission considering how big-headed you are,”

   You took a deep, long breath and held it to soothe you. Had you not been so previously preoccupied, you’d have given him hell for the insult. “I’m not nervous about that,” you sniped and rested back against the cool wall to satiate your burning skin before lifting your gaze to him only to find him already examining you.

   “Of course not, I just said that,” he retorted, bringing a gloved hand to his face to rub along his jaw, “there’s obviously nothing for you to worry about,”

   You scoffed, “And why is that, Barnes?” Cue the dramatic crossing of your arms. 

   “You’re smarter than Rumlow and significantly better trained. Overall, he really doesn’t hold a candle to your ability,” He paused for a second, his whole frame tensing until he remembered to relax, “But that’s not really saying much considering it’s Rumlow,” 

   You hadn’t noticed you raised your eyebrows until you felt your face fall, “Ah, there he is. You had me worried there for a second, Barnes. Thought you might actually try something new and display common decency for once,”

   A corner of his mouth turned up subtly and he shook his head. You trailed your gaze down to his hidden hand and stared long enough to burn a hole through the fabric.

   “If something’s bothering you, Dollface, go ahead and speak up,” 

   You weren’t sure what possessed you to say anything, especially knowing how touchy the subject was for him but the words left your mouth anyway, “I don’t know why you insist on hiding yourself,”

   He lurched his head back, your statement seeming to have a physical affect on the man and you mentally slapped yourself for saying anything.

   “I’m not hiding myself,”

   “But you are,” you interrupted, your thoughts coming out in pools of candor, “you aren’t your hand. You aren’t your past. You are you. Presently. You’re not the Winter Soldier anymore. That’s not even the same hand you had back then. It’s not tainted and neither are you. I say drop the gloves,”

   “And why would I care about what you say?” He growled, his eyebrows furrowed together and his neck tight in potential restraint.

   The elevator dinged and you looked towards the opening doors, “You don’t have to but they don’t look right with your suit either.” You walked through the exit and sauntered over to the others who had already gotten the party started, leaving Bucky dumb-founded behind you. “I need a shot,”

   “Already ready,” Tony quipped up, holding the small glass in the air for everyone to behold before bringing his cheek to yours in mock welcoming, “This’ll up your tolerance for the next hour, try to get all your drinking done within that time-frame,”

   You pulled away with a warm smile after faux kissing his cheek, “Finally!” you displayed and threw the liquid back in one swift motion, your face scrunching together against your will.

   “Yeah, she’s got a kick to her,” he mumbled and handed you a fruity drink to chase it down with. 

   You went around and said hi to everyone as you recognized most of those present. You made small chatter with those lesser known and drank the liquid in your hand significantly quicker than you’d like to. You excused yourself after you finished the drink and walked over to the bar, scanning the room as you were handed another glass. No Rumlow in sight.

   You headed towards the foosball table and gripped the handles after setting the beverage down on the counter beside you. You flinched as a reflection of light caught your eye and at first you thought your glass was the source. Until your eyes fixated on the reflection’s actual origin. To your far right, and up a few steps you found Bucky conversing with Steve, a dull light emitting from his hand. Not a glove in sight.

   “So, where’s your boyfriend?” Sam inquired when he filled the opposing spot.

   You rolled your eyes, “Bucky’s not my boyfriend,”

   “Bucky?” Sam’s tone chirped up teasingly, a knowing look wearing on his face.

   Your grip tightened around the handles and you slowly pulled away to throw the little white ball through the circle, your hands immediately twisting the miniscule players around. Your eyes shot back and forth, your sight never leaving the darting sphere. Sam still managed to win the first point.

   “Ha!” He shouted in triumph, bringing his finger up as if to scold you, “Don’t think you got away with that comment either, Y/N,”

   “What comment?” you questioned and gulped most of your drink before slamming it back down on the table.

   You heard your earpiece come to life with quiet static and you tried to keep your face masked. Rumlow had entered. Not a surprise either, the party was finally starting to pick up now.

   Sam threw the ball in and you turned the players meticulously this time, brute strength hadn’t helped you earlier so maybe you should take it slow. Steve made his way over to the table and threw his drink back, the liquid trickling down the side of his face before he wiped it away. Sam won the second point.

   “I play winner,” Tony chimed, standing beside Steve.

   You made a point to catch up and now you two were tied at three each. 

   “Best out of five?” You proposed, quirking an eyebrow at Sam.

   “If you didn’t want to play anymore you could’ve just said that,” he teased and you smirked at him as Tony made a subtle show of handing you another drink and you finished your second. “Loser takes two shots?”

   “Deal.” You nodded, knowing you didn’t have much of a choice as a small crowd began to form around you two. Rumlow amongst them. 

   Your jaw dropped when Sam shot the ball directly into your goal as soon as he’d let the ball go.

   “What the fuck?” You shouted, “No fair! That doesn’t count!”

   Thor erupted in laughter to your right and you blinked slowly, staring at the gargantuan man. 

   “It most certainly does,” Sam shouted back, his grin practically touching his ears.

   “Sam, take it easy on her,” Bucky muttered from beside him, quickly averting his gaze from yours and his expression loosened, “The brat hates losing,”

   “Brat?” You snarled.

   Bucky took a swig of his beer, watching you the entire time and you reeled back the fire beginning to form in your chest just to bring your drink up to your lips and chug the entire thing down. You handed it over to Tony who left to replace it. 

   “Last point,” Sam stated, “It’s not too late to quit now,”

   You shook your head and blinked away the feign distortion you were supposed to have. “Just play the ball,”

   “Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he teased and threw the ball in. 

   You wanted to win. Desperately. But you had a character to play tonight and she was supposed to be drunk. So you hit your hand against the corner of the table just as Sam happened to make the winning point. You grumbled and threw him a glare when Tony broke through the crowd.

   “Coming through,” he shouted, handing two small glasses to you while you gripped your knuckles in pain. “Noooo, you’re not getting out of taking these. C’mon, take your punishment,”

   “Yes, Daddy,” you grumbled and cringed at your own words when the realization hit you. Whatever. You were supposed to be drunk, anyway. 

   “Daddy?” Tony quipped and pulled the drinks back towards himself, “Maybe you should be cut off,”

   “What?” You argued, leaning slightly on the table with your hand and snatching the drinks from Tony’s hold, effectively spilling some on yourself. “See?” You lifted up the half empty shot glass, “This barely counts as a shot,”

   “I’ll get her a new one,” Rumlow offered and disappeared before anyone could argue. 

   “She really doesn’t need another-” Bucky tried to interject and take the shots from you but you twisted around and chugged down the one full glass.

   Water.

   You looked up at Tony and his smirk was barely noticeable. But you could tell. Bucky nearly ripped the other drink from you but Tony blocked his path and you exaggerated your next drink as Rumlow broke back into the crowd, shot in tow.

   “Here.” Rumlow’s calloused hand held the drink up above you and you stared at him with a questioning look. “Open,” he ordered and the fire burning in your chest fought to destroy everything in its vicinity. You bit your lip in refrain but tossed your head back and opened your mouth.

   Static broke over your earpiece. Don’t drink that! Wanda’s voice erupted.

   Your eyes widened as the liquid made its way down but you coughed hard to stop whatever you could. 

   Why? Steve’s voice came through right after.

   You choked on the liquid and shut your eyes at the way it burned its way down. You reached your hand out to grab someone’s drink to ease the burning and grasped a tall glass and tossed it back. The burning didn’t ease up and you felt a hand rest on your back.

   “Are you okay?” Rumlow’s voice rang out and your skin nearly recoiled from the contact, “How about we get you some water?”

   You looked up at him when the burning subsided minimally and nodded your head, letting him lead the way to the bar. He parted the crowd and someone took step right behind you to follow when the presence suddenly died out abruptly. You turned around to check who it had been and found no one.

   Why? Steve asked again.

   Where’s Wanda? Bruce broke through.

   You lifted your head and flitted your gaze around the room until you found the familiar Sokovian on the couch, laying down with her eyes closed. You pulled away from Rumlow but his grip on your hand tightened and his steps grew in haste. You whirled your head to yell at him but the way the room swayed with the movement cause you to shut your mouth in surprise. 

   Didn’t Tony say you would have a higher tolerance?

   “Couch...” you muttered, pointing over your shoulder just in case your target was curious enough to ask but the message was delivered.

   Rumlow hoisted you up onto the bar stool and stood on your open side, using his body to keep you from falling over. Or to cage you in.

   “I don’t feel good,” You rested an elbow on the countertop and held your head up.

   “I can’t imagine you would. You’ve been chugging those drinks like they’re water.” Despite that, Rumlow motioned to the bartender and asked for two more.

   You giggled and your head lulled forward with the action. You let Rumlow catch you from tumbling over. Why did your body feel so heavy? Not to mention the way everything around you dazed about. You couldn’t catch a single action, let alone attempt to read Rumlow’s body language. But you did happen to notice the way his eyes searched the room before coming back to you.

   “You okay?” You rested your forearm against his chest and pushed slightly to allow yourself a better view of his face.

   A small smirk, “Am I okay? What about you?”

   You smacked your lips and brought the ice cold glass to your lips. That’s not water. “I’m doing reeaalllyy good,” you drawled.

   Rumlow chuckled and pushed you deeper into the chair, “I can tell.” He took a sip, his attention never faltering from your body, “Just be sure to pace yourself from here on out,”

   You made a show of cocking your head to the side and letting a smile sprawl onto your face as you studied him. 

   “What?” he questioned, a curious lift in his brow.

   You shook your head gently and kept your gaze on him over the brim of your glass, “You’re just . . . not what I was expecting,”

   “And what were you expecting?” 

   Don’t forget to bat your eyelashes. “Worse,”

   “Sorry to disappoint,” he jeered, his attention once again cast throughout the room before centering back on you.

   You followed his action but quickly came to the conclusion that moving any pace faster than a sloth was going to make you nauseous and you could barely keep a thought together. Your stomach began to rise in your chest and the fear seized your throat shut. Why couldn’t you hold onto a thought for longer than a second? It was like you were aware of your lack of consciousness but could do nothing about it because any thought or bout of panic phased through just as soon as it arrived.

   “What are you so tense for, Rumlow? You know you’re not currently on the clock, right?” You teased, your head leaning on your shoulder as you spoke.

   He brought his drink up to his lips and finished it off in three gulps, “I’m not tense. It’s just hard to turn it off sometimes,”

   You nodded slowly and pushed your drink towards him, “Relax. You know everyone here,”

   He shook his head and placed your drink back in front of you before asking for another beer.

   “And two shots!” You shouted to the bartender, throwing two of your fingers high up and instantly regretting how fast you’d done it.

   “Are you trying to get me drunk?” He asked you, a side smirk beginning to form.

   You placed your finger over your lips and hushed, “Shh, I won’t tell if you don’t.” You dragged your lower lip down and his eyes fixated to commit the scene to memory. “Besides, I always feel dumb if I’m the only one drunk,”

   He motioned to the rest of the party, “Believe me, Sugar, you’re not the only one enjoying yourself,”

   “But are you?” 

   “Am I what?” 

   “Enjoying yourself?” 

   Your skin crawled when he placed his rough hand on your barren thigh, “Absolutely,”

   Don’t forget what you’re here for. Don’t let the objective slip. Gods, how the fuck were you supposed to retain anything when you were so sleepy? And why was it so warm?

   “Hot,” you mumbled, fishing around in your glass for an ice cube to rub on your face.

   “Thank you,”

   You threw your head back in laughter and nearly earned yourself an up-close and personal view of the floor had Rumlow not wrapped an arm around your waist and held you steady. Once he was certain you weren’t going to toss yourself onto the ground, he parted your legs and stood between them to keep you rooted to your seat.

   All the movement had you spinning and you white-knuckled Rumlow’s cotton shirt to keep yourself grounded to something, anything. Red warning lights were firing up in your chest and you tensed with the way your body buckled to the panic coursing through you. Your heart pounded in your ears and danced across your skin, lighting it on fire and making the room too stuffy to bear. Please, no. Not now. Focus. Snap out of it. Come back, stay back. Your breathing hitched and you looked down at the sensation crawling its way up higher on your thigh. Too hot. Everything was too hot, if you didn’t get out of this now you would never-

   “Vision!” You cheered, happy to see your friend.

   The presence on your thigh recoiled slightly.

   “I’m taking Wanda to her room, seems she’s had a bit too much to drink,” Vision informed and you’d only just then noticed the body in his hold.

   “Wanda!” You smiled, admiring her peaceful features as she slept in his arms. You poked at her cheek then jerked your gaze back up to Vision. “What? Wanda doesn’t drink,”

   She’s not acting, Sam’s voice erupted in your ear and you flinched at the sound. 

   Vision’s eyes went from you to Rumlow then back to you slowly, “Y/N . . . are you okay?”

   You beamed at him and slowly brought up your thumb. “Good,” you responded.

   You followed Vision’s gaze back up to Rumlow and smiled at the agent beside you. You guess he’s kind of cute. In a strange, unsettling way.

   “She’s had a lot to drink, so we’re just trying to slow down the pace. Aren’t we, Y/N?” Rumlow looked down at you.

   You nodded fervently, “Yup!” 

   Vision hesitated but knew he didn’t pose much of a threat with Wanda in his arms unconscious, so he quirked a smile and walked towards the hall.

   Someone get to Y/N, something’s not right, Vision ordered and you lifted your head up to find him. You could have sworn he just left.

   “Here.” Rumlow handed you a glass, “Drink this, it’ll cool you down,” 

   You stared at the glass in his hold and looked up at him, “You drink it first,” you slurred, holding your finger up at him.

   He cocked his head to the side but took a swig of the drink and you watched it go down his throat. You shrugged and grabbed at it.

   Do not drink that, Nat ordered from somewhere and you looked around in wonder at who she was yelling to.

   Bucky, Sit down! Steve growled.

   Like hell, responded a voice you knew all too well.

   Your smile grew and you looked through the crowd, “Bucky!” You feverishly called, completely expecting to see him before you. Rumlow’s head lifted instantly, his eyes scouring the area.

   “I’ve got this, Pretty Boy,” Tony hastily spoke, “How ya doin’, Hot Stuff?” He interrogated and you reeled at the tone.

   “Quite well, thank you,” you responded tenaciously and attempted to take a swig of the drink in your grasp.

   Tony’s hand shot out and covered the top, slamming the cup back down on the counter and effectively getting the drink all over your dress.

   “What the fuck?” You tried to shout but the words came out heavy and required too much energy to speak.

   “You’ve had enough for tonight,”

   “It’s just water,” Rumlow defended but Tony paid him no mind.

   Your jaw dropped open and you glared at the older man. Who the hell did he think he was? Tony’s stare burned through your skull and despite your irritation, you couldn’t help but wonder why he was so pissed.

   “Are you mad at me?” You drawled, lulling your head to the side.

   “No,” he responded curtly. 

   “Am I being too loud or something?” You pushed. You couldn’t imagine you were any louder than any other drunken bastard at this party.

   “No,”

   Get her out of there or I swear to God I will, his voice hissed into your ear.

   Your eyebrows rose slightly in excitement, “Mmm, Bucky,” you smiled and Tony nodded.

   “’Mmm, Bucky’ is right. Wanna go see him?” Tony offered, sticking out his hand for you to take.

   You fell forward into Rumlow’s chest but shook your head furiously none the less, “For what? So he can tell me I’m horrendous at my-”

   Oh shit. Your job. The job.

   If only your body didn’t feel so heavy and your mind so light.

   You pushed off Rumlow’s chest and glared at Tony, “I can handle myself,” you insisted, a new sort of sober tone making its way through that caused him to do a once-over. “I know what I’m doing,”

   “How many drinks have you had?” Tony challenged and you fell silent.

   Then you felt a tap, and another and a few more.

   “Six,” You said, hoping you’d counted right.

   Tony, don’t you even fucking consider it, Bucky threatened.

   “You could at least change, recuperate and then come back,” Tony offered and you sighed a breath of relief before nodding.

   “Deal,” you agreed, “I’m hot anyway,”

   Tony gave you one last glance before turning around and blending into the crowd on the other end of the room.

   You looked up to Rumlow who’s gaze was still locked on the sea of people, “Don’t you wish you’d taken that shot now?” you tried to jeer, every last word bringing you deeper and deeper.

   “Are they always that intense?” He questioned, not turning his attention to you.

   “They can be over-bearing,” you admitted, hand grabbing the water from earlier and pressing it up against your forehead, “They consider me the baby so they’re always criticizing and suffocating until I just wished they’d disappear.” You took a gulp, “Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the family and I like that I have a cause but . . . they don’t let me do anything. It’s exhausting,”

   You let out a long breath and smeared the condensation from the glass onto your chest. Rumlow studied you then, not just your body but your reaction. He was watching how you dropped your shoulders at the confession and how you faced your back to them to block them out. 

   You plastered your torso on the countertop and tried to slow your heartrate down. You couldn’t be the only one here unfathomably hot.

   “Why is it so fucking hot?” You questioned, fanning yourself weakly.

   “There are a lot of people around,” Rumlow offered, “how about we go somewhere else? Tony did say you had to change,”

   You peered up at him through half-lidded eyes and meekly groaned in compliance. “Fine,”

   You lifted yourself away from the counter and gently placed your feet on the floor. You’d touched the ground faster than anticipated. Had the ground always been so close?

   “Don’t worry, I gotcha.” Rumlow threw an arm around your waist and helped you trudge towards the elevator.

   Where the hell are you going? Bucky yelled and the sound of shuffling could be heard from his end.

   We can’t let you leave with Rumlow, Y/N. We’re not even sure you’re acting anymore, Sam stated.

   Rumlow pressed the button when you couldn’t muster the strength to do it yourself. The level that your room was on lit up and the doors began closing. You thought you saw Rumlow wave at someone but the mock smile on his face didn’t make it seem like a warm good-bye.

   Your legs had all but given out by the time the elevator reached your shared floor. 

   “Heavy,” you muttered, letting Rumlow carry your weight fully.

   “I know, Sugar. We’re almost there,” he soothed and you conceded to the fatigue wearing you down.

   Your head hung low and your arm dangled uselessly at your side. The familiar sound of your door sliding open caught your attention but you did nothing. You couldn’t. 

   “How . . . know . . . my room?” You questioned, each word causing you to pull from an empty well of energy.

   “I’ve been here before.” Rumlow tossed you onto the bed and sprawled you out.

   “Oh. Ok.” You tried to turn on to your side but strong hands gripped down onto your ankles.

   Rumlow sighed and slipped the heels off your feet, examining the pair like he wanted to wear them. You extended your feet until you felt every muscle in your leg stretch to its capacity and let out a groan of pleasure at the release. Those shoes hurt so bad.

   “You seem . . . intelligent, Y/N.” Rumlow dropped your shoes onto the floor and slithered to the side of your bed, standing beside it with his hands tucked into his pockets.

   A bead of sweat trickled down your forehead, “Hot . . .” you croaked and he nodded.

   “You’re right. It is getting kind of hot.” He brought a hand up to his neck and ripped off the tie hanging around it.

   Get the fuck out of my way, a growl erupted in your ear.

   We’re going with you, Buck, Steve responded before knocking something over.

   “So, what I have a hard time understanding is. . . why you’re here?” 

   You groaned a weak ‘huh’ but even that didn’t sound right.

   “You’re good at what you do, you finish every mission successfully and yet you’re underappreciated.” He took a seat at the foot of your bed and placed one of your legs into his lap, “Why do you allow them to treat you like that? We wouldn’t,”

   The shuffling in your earpiece halted.

   “We?” 

   He began to massage your calf and brought your knee up to his lips, peppering light kisses on it. “We could use someone with your skillset, babe. We’d take real good care of you,”

   The shuffling started again.

   Rumlow had made his way onto your thigh at this point and you let out an involuntary moan when he skimmed over a delicate part on your inner knee.

   “Ya like that?” he questioned but didn’t wait for a response. He brought a hand up to his temple and grabbed the earpiece. You figured he just hadn’t taken it out from his earlier shift but when he pulled it apart, you understood why he always kept it on him.

   “Flash . . . drive earpiece?” Your weak tone tilted a little. “W-why tell . . .”

   “I figured I’d give you the option to leave since you seem so . . . suffocated. If you said yes tonight then I would remind you tomorrow. If you didn’t,” he chuckled, “well, you wouldn’t remember anyway.” His hands trailed to your mid-thigh and you squeaked. “I’m impressed though, I’ve never given anyone else as much as I’ve given you tonight. The drug usually works so quickly on others, but not you. It’s kind of hot, actually,”

   Sick fuck, Natasha growled through a ragged breath.

   The world around you was slow or maybe it was you that was slow? You couldn’t tell, honestly. But when Rumlow moved as if he could predict your actions before you could make them, you wondered whether you were moving at all.

   “Don’t worry, it’ll be over soon,” Rumlow sighed.

   You shook your head, or thought you did but despite the way your body was live-wired, it remained still against all desire. 

   Fight. Move. 

   You managed to push your legs shut but his hand slithered between and spread them open similar to opening a door, but this required much less force.

   “Kill,” You threatened and the sinister smile that crawled its way onto Rumlow’s face was vile enough to sink your heart into your stomach.

   “Kill is fucking right.” Someone snarled and your door was ripped from its hinges.

   Rumlow’s hand jerked away from your body and Bucky seized his open palm, intertwining their fingers and pushing Rumlow’s so far back that they touched the back of his own hand. The cracks were sickening onto themselves but had you not been so weak you would’ve turned from the sight altogether. You really couldn’t fathom how his fingers were still attached at all.

   “Lay another hand on her and you won’t be able to use it again.” Bucky spit.

   Despite Rumlow’s pain, the sinister smile remained sprawled on his face, “You should’ve heard the noises she made,”

   Bucky’s grip tightened and the bones in his palm broke next, “I did,”

   Natasha flew in right behind Barnes but completely dismissed the two and headed straight for you with a needle in hand. Your eyes shifted from the needle to Nat’s face and back again until she stabbed it into your upper arm. Ouch. 

   “Wha-”

   “Shh,” Natasha hastily hushed, “Keep your strength, you should be back to normal soon,”

   Steve came behind Nat and scooped you up to lead you out of the havoc going on in the room. Nat turned her focus to Bucky and reached over to grab the earpiece from Rumlow. Who knows if his nose will ever heal back normally. You held one finger in the air as Steve stepped over the splintered door.

   “Goddamit, Y/N,” Steve huffed, jogging towards the elevator and pressing the floor that led to the infirmary.

   “We won,” you croaked out, a small smile on your face and Steve shook his head.

   “I’m never going to hear the end of this,” 

   Steve looked you up and down for bruises but couldn’t find any and you promised you weren’t lying to him when you told him Rumlow did not get very far in his ‘advances’ at all. You had to swear the mid-thigh was the worst that it came to. 

   Bruce was the one that took a few blood samples and made sure everything was reversing back to normal. Apparently, as soon as Rumlow took you to the bar Tony handed Banner the shot glass that Rumlow gave you and Banner ran analysis on it. The cure was pretty easy to find.

   After being given strict orders to lie down for the next hour or so, it had been decided that Rumlow was to be turned in considering all the evidence required to make the arrest was in the flashdrive and everyone was to gather together for a ‘family night’. Whatever the hell that meant.

   You were in the middle of debating which movie to pick with Steve when the infirmary doors flew open.

   “Where is she?” Bucky nearly shouted upon seeing Bruce.

   “That’s my cue.” Steve stood up just as Bucky rounded the corner, “If you need anything me and Banner will be right over there,”

   You smiled and thanked him then turned your attention to the super-soldier who just arrived at the foot of your bed.

   He didn’t say anything for a while, just looked at you. No, not really. Not at you but through you. A few painstakingly slow seconds went by that way.

   “You owe me a new door,” you joked, a half-smile on your face.

   “Are you okay?” He asked, finally registering your presence.

   You nodded slowly, “I am,”

   Then a few more seconds.

   Bucky turned his gaze down to his hands, both of them barren and on display for the world to see, before shifting his weight between either foot, “Did he- did he touch you?”

   “Not really. Just really liked my legs for some reason,” your attempt at another quip didn’t reach Bucky. He stared back up at you waiting for an answer, an honest one. You sighed, “The damage is more mental,” you admitted, now you were the one not able to look up, “I didn’t like being in this altered state of mind. It’s invasive and . . . scary. He could’ve done things, much worse things but it never got that far or that bad. It was more realizing that I wasn’t completely conscious or present and having that state of mind be taken advantage of, that mostly frightened me. Ya know?”

   “More than anyone,” he answered immediately.

   You looked back up towards him, finally making eye contact, “But I’m fine now, really. Just a little spooked. Steve wants to do a movie night tonight and I would actually prefer that over being alone.” Your eyes fixated on the way his hands clenched and unclenched on the bar by your feet, “If I’m alone then I’ll get stuck in my head about it. Besides, I consider this a hard victory with a few bumps in the road,” 

   He chuckled, lulling his head a bit, “You’re too stubborn for your own good,”

   You shrugged, “Maybe. How’s Rumlow?”

   Bucky hissed and moved over to the side of the bed where he took a seat, “He’s unconscious. And has a hand that he’ll never be able to use again. But other than that, he’s fine,”

   You chuckled and Bucky watched how the laugh met your eyes. He liked that look on you. It was one of his favorites.

   “Why are you looking at me like that?” You questioned once it fell silent between you two again.

   “You called me Bucky earlier,” he remembered.

   You scoffed, “I call you Bucky all the time,”

   “Not to my face,”

   “Not to your face,” you agreed, a teasing smile dancing on your lips and Bucky had one that mirrored yours. 

   “It was nice. Hearing it, I mean,” he admitted and a wave of warmth made its way to your face.

   “I see your hands are exposed,”

   He looked down as though he weren’t aware that he’d taken off his own gloves, “These bad boys? A friend of mine reminded me that I’m not my past. I’m my present. Why hide my growth?”

   You twiddled your thumbs together, “She sounds smart,”

   Now he scoffed, “Oh, it wasn’t a girl, it was some old buddy of mine.” He quirked up a brow, “Unless the person being a girl would make you jealous because in that case it was most definitely a girl,”

   You fought against the natural tug at the corners of your mouth, “Is she at least pretty?”

   “Stunning,” 

   “Smart?”

   “Genius,”

   “Good at her job?”

   “Amongst the best,”

   “Then consider me jealous, Barnes,”

   Bucky chuckled and you watched how the laugh met his eyes. You liked that look on him. It was one of your favorites.

[babyjakes]

forever and a day | 11. touch.

〈 disclaimer: this blog posts content not suitable for individuals under the age of 18. minors are strictly prohibited from viewing, sharing, or interacting with this blog. for more information on this blog's commitment to protecting minors, read our full statement here. 〉

← last chapter | series masterlist | next chapter →

summary | a story in which america’s favorite captain gives a new life and family to a five-year-old girl who has suffered well beyond her years at the hands of hydra.

characters | dad!steve rogers, girl/willa rogers (original character)

warnings | AU similar enough to OU to include spoilers to many Marvel movies (Age of Ultron and beyond). mature themes related to child abuse/neglect. mentions/descriptions of past CSA and CSM. medical abuse and experimentation. ptsd/trauma symptoms in a child (developmental discrepancies, de-humanized behavior, detachment, extreme fears). medical treatment of CSM and other aftermath of abuse.somewhat evil!Tony Stark (eventually)

[Steve]

“Stark. Rogers. Can we talk for a moment?” At the sound of Bruce’s voice, I look up from my sketchpad, my pencil coming to a halt over the smooth paper. It’s mid-afternoon, and Girl has fallen asleep wrapped up in Peter’s blanket on the couch. Tony entered the room some time ago and has been sitting at the table, working with some piece of technology (per usual.) Banner stands in the entrance to the hallway, his arms crossed.

“Uh oh,” Tony responds slowly, “I don’t like where this is going.”

“It’s nothing bad,” Bruce rolls his eyes. “I just… I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I want to discuss some things with you.” Tucking my pencil into the ring of my sketchbook, I set it down beside me on the couch, looking over at Girl to make sure she’s fast asleep before standing up to face the men. Tony sighs and switches off his toy, the blue lights on the gadgets instantly cutting out. Bruce walks over and takes a seat across from Tony, while I take a seat at the end of the table, bridging the gap.

“What’s on your mind?” I ask, trying to keep my voice down so as to not wake the sleeping child.

“If this is about the shirt thing, I told you: I’m working on it. But you gotta understand, it’s not the same as making expandable pants. Shirts are just made to rip. Plus- it’s pretty badass every time it happens-” Tony starts, causing me to bring my hand up to my face in annoyance.

“No, no, it’s not about that,” Bruce waves him off. “Besides, why would Cap need to be involved in that conversation?”

“I don’t know. I feel like he would probably be on your side. He’s a boomer, probably prefers a more conservative look,” Tony jokes, failing to earn any amusement from either of us.

“Why on earth would I care if Bruce’s shirt tears off of him every time he turns green? His pants stay on. That’s all that matters,” I shoot back.

“Guys, stop. I have something we really need to talk about,” Bruce interjects, shaking his head.

“Sorry, sorry. Go on,” Tony reigns himself in, seeming uncharacteristically sincere. With everything that’s been going on around here lately, I’ve found that Tony is actually doing a pretty good job of being serious when he needs to be. Which honestly isn’t what I would have ever expected from him; needless to say, it’s impressed me.

“I know that you both signed for guardianship,” Bruce begins. Removing my hand from my face, I turn my body slightly to face the doctor. Tony quits fiddling with his gadget on the table, giving him his full attention as well. “And I- I guess that’s not what I was expecting. At least not from you, Stark.”

“Yeah, well… I suppose it’s not what I was expecting from me, either,” Tony agrees quietly.

“It shows a lot of character, what you did,” I tell him sincerely. The dark-haired man simply nods, not meeting my gaze.

“After having the past twenty-four hours or so to observe some of her behavior, I’ve concluded that my original analysis of Girl’s mental state was probably most likely accurate. Only it’s a little bit more… critical than I thought it would be.”

“What do you mean by that?” I ask, worry beginning to rise in my stomach.

“Obviously, the kid’s been through a lot of trauma. Not just physically, but emotionally. The fact that she was separated from her mother at birth and raised in a place like that already puts her in a terrible spot from a developmental standpoint. There are a lot of things she was deprived of, more than just proper food and being kept safe. The first five years of life are critical for emotional regulation, sense of self, security in attachment, and countless other psychological boxes to be checked. And that’s not even touching on what kind of early education she was getting, if any.”

“She must have been taught by someone. She can talk; she does talk. She has a general idea of basic concepts, right?” Tony interjects. Bruce looks up at us sadly.

“Sure, she knows how to talk. Look, knowing her letters and numbers is about the last thing I’m worried about at this point, in all honesty. You have to understand, when a child isn’t loved or cared for in the earliest stages of life, as an infant, and then a toddler… that creates a deep wound. She was never held or comforted properly; she most likely had no opportunity to ever be properly nurtured by someone. And then she was put through all of that abuse… this kind of damage isn’t easily solved. It’s gonna take a lot of time, effort, and patience.”

As soon as the doctor finishes his sentence, silence sweeps over the room. Lowering my head slightly, I let my gaze fall off to nowhere in particular as Bruce’s words repeat over in my head. She was not loved or cared for… never held or comforted…

Clenching my jaw, I swallow down tears. My heart is all but breaking at my friend’s grim revelations.

“How can we help? How- how can we ease the process?” Tony asks urgently.

“Well for one, she’ll need a lot of therapy. Stark, you and I have been looking for a counselor already; I’m sure that’ll help greatly. But in addition to that, she’s going to need a lot of specialized care. And since you two signed for guardianship, the majority of that’s gonna fall on you.” Tony and I nod in unison. “Of course, the rest of us are gonna be here to help you along the way, y'know, give you breaks when you need it. But at the end of the day, it’s you who she’s going to be relying on the most.”

“Whatever we need to do, we’ll do it,” I say, speaking for both Tony and I. The scientist nods in agreement at my statement.

“Good. If I had to guess, every waking moment is filled with terror for her, so as much as we want her to get better as fast as possible, we’re going to have to take it slow,” Bruce explains. “We don’t want to do anything too drastic; she’ll most likely be easy to overwhelm. A good place to start might be physical contact. When a child isn’t given physical affection and comfort for the first five years of her life, she develops deep attachment issues and mistrust. And as much as she’s afraid of touch, it’s going to be one of the most healing things for her to experience. Actions are going to speak much louder than words for her.”

“I don’t know if she’ll let me touch her much at all,” Tony says meekly.

“Steve, you’ve been able to hold her on occasion; I’ve even seen her let you stroke her cheek or hold her hands. That’s a good place to start. For now, keep doing that, and Tony, once she’s a little more comfortable with it, then you can try to start implementing the same tactics.”

“She is closest to you, Cap; I think that’s pretty clear. And I’m okay with that. You two have a special bond, and I respect it,” Nodding gratefully towards him, I know in my heart, he’s right. Out of anyone here, she seems to be the most willing to let me in. But even with me, there are still so many walls she’s built up. So many instinctive habits she has to protect herself that keep her from me. We still have a long way to go.

Before any of us can say any more, the sound of heaving interrupts our conversation. In an instant, all three of us are up and making our way over to the couch to find that Girl has woken up and thrown Peter’s blanket off of her, her big green eyes looking up at us in horror. Before any of us can say anything or move closer, she begins to cough, before vomiting miserably all over herself. Tears come spewing from her eyes; in an instant, I’m down on my knees in front of her. “Oh, sweetheart,” I say sadly, stroking back her hair from her sticky face.

“We should get her back to her room,” Bruce says.

“You guys take care of her. I’ll clean up the mess,” Tony decides, walking over to the kitchen and beginning to pull out cleaning supplies.

“Don’t hurt Girl, p-please, didn’t mean to, didn’t mean to,” the poor thing chokes through her tears and spit as she cowers beside me.

“We won’t hurt you, doll, you’re okay. Shh-shh shh,” I soothe, running my hands over her long brown hair. She coughs again, and I prepare for another round of vomit, but thankfully, it doesn’t come. Bruce sighs from behind me, earning a flinch from the little girl. “C'mon, sweetpea,” I say, gathering her in my arms while somehow managing to avoid getting any puke on myself. Turning with the trembling child placed on my hip, I follow Bruce as he makes his way swiftly down the hallway to Girl’s room.

“Do we have any clean clothes for her?” I ask as we walk through the door. He goes into the dresser and pulls out a pair of underwear, a plain white shirt, and a pair of blue pants that look like they might fit her.

“Peter and Wanda were in charge of stocking up yesterday before we got back. Looks like they managed to find some stuff,” Bruce replies, setting the clothes down on the bed. “Girl, is your stomach still upset now? What happened?”

“Please, sorry, will d-do better, please,” the quaking child begs in reply, clearly not processing the doctor’s question.

“Shh, sweetheart,” I hush, setting her down on the bed and crouching down to be eye level with her. “You’re alright, Girl. No one’s angry with you. You’re not in trouble; it’s okay. You’re okay,” I soothe. But my words seem to do little to reassure her.

“I’m gonna step out for a moment; can you get her changed, Cap?” Bruce asks nervously. Taking a deep breath, I glance down at the clothes, then back up at Girl, then over at my friend. Sighing, I nod. I know she’ll be afraid, but we have to get her out of her dirty hospital gown. No one’s felt confident enough to do so up until this point, but now that it’s covered in puke, we just don’t have any other option.

“I can handle it. Thanks, Bruce,” I tell him evenly. The doctor nods with a sympathetic look, walking out of the room and closing the door.

I take another deep breath as I turn back to Girl who’s still crying, her whole face flushed pink, cheeks burning wild with fever. “Hey, pumpkin. What d'you say we get you out of that thing and into some real clothes?” I suggest.

Her eyes grow wide as she processes my words, cowering back from me as she begins to beg again. “Please, w-wait,” she sniffles, her whole body shaking like a leaf.

“Hey, you’re okay. I won’t hurt you, Girl. I’m just going to help you get changed,” I promise her carefully. “Your old clothes are really dirty; you deserve some nice, new, clean ones.” Reaching out carefully, I wrap my arms around the trembling girl to find the sets of strings where the gown is tied closed. During the process, my hand brushes across her arm, causing the poor thing to let out a frightened whimper. “Shh-shh shh,” I hush, “You’re okay, darlin’. I promise, I’m not gonna hurt you.”

Making sure to keep my movements slow and predictable, I carefully make my way down the gown, untying each set of strings until they’ve all been released. As the gown falls loosely over her boney frame, I take hold of it at each of the sleeves, ever-so-gently lifting it off of her. Once it’s gone, the child stands bare before me, tears streaming down her cheeks. I’ve never seen anyone shake so hard in my entire life.

“You’re okay, kiddo. We’re halfway there; you’re doing so good, bein’ so brave,” I tell Girl softly. I pick up the underwear, which have little purple flowers scattered across them, and hold them out for the girl. “Can you step into them if I hold them up for you?” I ask quietly.

Slowly, she shifts her body to the edge of the bed and does as she’s been asked, one leg, then the other. As gently as I can, I let go of the elastic onto her tiny waist. Then, I pick up the pants, and without needing to ask her, she steps into them as well. Finally, I pull the shirt over her head, smiling as her arms make their way through the sleeves. “See? All done. Not scary,” I murmur.

“Not scary,” Girl repeats back. Nodding at her proudly, I reach out, stroking her hair. When she doesn’t pull away, I decide to open my arms up again and pull her body in close to me, rocking her back and forth, side to side as she stands in my embrace. At first, she’s as stiff as a board, but slowly, as the minutes pass, she’s thankfully able to relax into my touch.

As much as she’s afraid of touch, it’s going to be one of the most healing things for her to experience, Bruce’s voice rings through my head.

“Let’s get your face cleaned up, sweetheart,” I say warmly to her, standing up and lifting her so that she’s held securely in my arms. I walk over into her bathroom and set her down on the counter, taking a cloth and running under some luke-warm water before raising it up to her face. But before I can wipe away the sick from the little girl’s cheeks, a quiet plea stops me.

“Please l-let Girl breathe, please- w-wait.”

I pause, confused. Looking down at the cloth, it only takes a moment for her heartbreaking words to make sense. They waterboarded her. “I won’t, sweetie. Don’t worry. We’re just gonna get you nice and cleaned up,” I promise her. Gently, I begin wiping away at her face, putting the cloth back down again when her skin is clear. “There you go, all clean. Not scary,” I tell her.

“N-not scary,” she mumbles in agreement, surprising me by leaning forward and resting her head gently against my chest.

← last chapter | series masterlist | next chapter →

[widow-maximov]

Surprise..?

Pairing: Natasha x Reader

Warning: Language, lots of fluff, maybe angst..

Summary: Being an Avenger is exhausting, your girlfriend Natasha decides to surprise you... Will you be thrilled?

Word count: 6.8k

My requests are always open so feel more than welcome to pop in a suggestion for the next story :3

⸻⸻⋙☸⋘⸻⸻

Having a simple life as an Avenger was definitely out of the window, this job required very high skills and concentration, especially if you have powers you need to know what you are doing so you don't end up hurting someone.

But the thing is, no one warns you how extreme this job can get, from watching people dying to not being able to find a solution to huge problems.

All of this pulls down on the reputation of Avengers which isn't good at all, watching as the news pull your name down is horrible to watch, which motives a lot of people but some only blame themselves for not doing something in that moment.

That happened to you, once. When you joined the Avengers you expected things to be hard of course but when you were sent out to your mission, it seemed like everything was going good and smooth.

So you started to like missions and started to take more for experience of course you was companied with your teammates for the time being until you gained enough skills and knowledge to do anything by yourself.

There is this one mission you'll never forget...

You woke up in the morning feeling confident about this missions, you were brief the day before by Steve, he went over with you what you need and how to take it.

You were suppose to get this important piece of paper and with your camouflage powers, they thought it would be best to let you go alone, Steve and Tony were convinced you have enough knowledge to do this by yourself.

Some teammates still insisted on coming along with you but they were told no by Steve and you felt a little proud that within couple of these months here, you were able to score your own mission.

Natasha was one of those teammates who insisted on coming, she wanted to ensure you didn't get hurt, during the shoot out but Steve was quick to shutting her out from any information.

He knew that Natasha would end up following you and jeopardising the mission leaving the Avengers empty handed again. He was exhausted with his teammates coming back from missions beating to the point where they would spend weeks in the medical wing.

Every time Steve sent out a group of people, they were always ambushed and over powered by their enemy so getting that paper was very important and if that meant having Natasha angry at him for some time, he took those chances.

She was left out in the dark which she hated so much, Natasha wanted to help but she could only hope nothing would happen to you, she made sure to train you just before you left for the mission.

She definitely didn't want to say goodbye with words, so training had to do for now. You were exhausted by the end of the session with her but still had enough energy to pull her into a hug before actually leaving.

Everyone knew apart from Natasha that you liked her, everyone knew apart from you that Natasha liked you too which only frustrated the team mates that shipped you in secret.

It was nice watching Natasha crumble under your touch, she would melt into your hugs and you would melt under her gaze, it was very visible about how oblivious the two of you were.

Which was really difficult for Natasha to see you go off on your own, she just wanted to make sure you would be fine in the end but only time could tell.

You were pretty successful on your own, you managed to access the room that stored the paper, you only needed to knock out the two guards that were in the way, you used your powers and they were unconscious within seconds.

You had a smug smile across your lips as you walked over to the cabinet that the paper was in, failing to notice that camera with a sensor which sense your movement.

You uncamouflaged and bend down to open the little cabinet door, snatching the paper, suddenly the wall turned displaying a location and a timer.

The red lights flashed and an alarm went off, your heart sunk as you stared at the timer, you had to turn this off, you tried to look for something to turn this off but it was impossible.

You reached for your com as you spoke "Uh, a timer went off and its counting down, there is a location here but nothing to turn this off"

"You have to get to the location! You can dismantle the bomb there" Tony spoke through your ear.

You swallowed hard as you rushed out of the building, heading to the place that had the bomb, you barely could breath when you arrived but that didn't stop you, you rushed inside.

You failed to notice that the bomb was located amongst people, two tall buildings with thousands of people, when you gotten to the bomb, it was placed in the middle and it was very visible.

You looked around and no one was there, you collapsed onto your knees and reached for the com "What do I do now?"

"Cut the red wire!" Tony spoke again.

You turned the bomb around and found no wired "What?" you whispered.

"What red wire? There are no red wires here Tony!" You was filled with anxiety, the way it was ticking was making you even more nervous.

"There might be a compartment, pry it open with something and cut the red wire!"

You nodded as if he was here to see that, you found something to pry it open and found wires that are not red but all brown, "They are all brown Tony"

"Okay, look at the first wire and see where it leads, if it leads to the battery, cut it"

You had sweat sliding down your face as you stared at the wires, none of them led anywhere, you looked at the screen that displayed the time, you barely had time to even take this back to Tony.

"I-" You spoke but anxiety was stopping you.

You had 20 seconds and there was no way you could defuse this, you swallowed as you spoke "I can't do it"

"Kid! Yes you can, just look at the wires and just cut it off with the knife"

You was staring at the wires since you opened it and you knew if you cut the wrong one, you will blow up right here with it "I- I can't"

Now there were tears sliding down your face, you had less than 15 seconds left, you took a deep breath and cut the last brown wire, and nothing happened, nothing the timer was still ticking and nothing stopped.

You started to cut off all of the wires and nothing, you took deep breath as a voice screamed into your ear "Run Y/n!"

You didn't have to be told twice, you placed the bomb and ran for your life, as soon as you made to the door, the bomb went off and you flew several feet away from the building, crashing into another building and hitting the wall which knocked you out.

The bomb did big damage causing the whole two building to shake and catch on fire, killing hundred people in process and leaving thousands to somehow escape.

The rest of the Avengers managed to help those people out with Tony's technology as Natasha gotten you back to the medical wing. She was anxious and afraid she will lose you, she never saw your body be so still and lifeless.

As soon as you woke up from the coma you were in, you noticed no one around, panicked you wanted to get up but the pain in your body slowed you down.

You took a deep breath as you pulled out the needle in your arm, and started to walk out of the room, as soon as you heard someone coming, you used your powers to camouflage and proceeded to your room.

As soon as you gotten there, you turned on the TV and saw your name displayed as the news people spoke about you "Is Y/n L/n a hero or a threat?"

"What we witnessed couple hours ago, could only prove that Avengers might have a liar amongst themselves. From the footage you could see Y/n run inside and run out and a boom went off, this is terrifying!" One of the women spoke on the TV.

You had tears in your eyes, not only from physical pain but also by hearing how your name is getting dragged in mud, you changed the channel.

"This is getting serious, why would an individual that is suppose to be a hero, kill hundreds of people? That's easy! Y/n L/n joined the Avengers and gained their trust to only betray them and watch as fear and loss is spread"

You shook your head as you whispered out "No, that's not true"

Each channel had your name pulled through mud as you listened to each of them and nodded to agree with them whenever they mentioned the failure you were.

Natasha barged inside the room with fear in her eyes but as soon as she looked at you, she let out a sigh "Here you are, why did you leave the medical wing?"

She looked at the TV when she received no answer, she walked over and took the remote to turn off the news, you was still staring at the black TV "Hey Y/n.."

You looked at her with tears threatening to spill, she placed her hand on your face "It's not your fault.."

You shook your head to disagree "It's all of my fault, I should've done something, anything to save all of those people. I failed and now I have to live with it"

"It's not your fault, you weren't trained to defuse bombs, and whatever the news say, it shouldn't matter because we know you and you tried your best, there was nothing you could've done"

You sighed as you leaned into her and she embraced as you silently cried into her, she was there through that bad time and you were more than grateful for her sticking by your side.

The public gradually warmed up after a heartfelt apology that came from you after properly leaving the medical wing, but you knew if any more slip ups happened this would really effect you, at least Natasha stuck with you that was really important to you.

Now that you and Natasha were together, she changed so much and the team kind of hates it but likes it at the same time. She throws a fit whenever she is unable to sit next to you during movie night, this caused so many groans to escape and in the end she was satisfied when she sat in your lap.

The only reason this relationship happened was because of Clint and Bucky, they were very invested in your relationship and wanted to speed things up, they couldn't watch you stare at Natasha like you wanted her right there and then.

They needed this to sail and they did what they needed to do, they set the two of you up, they faked a little get together and just invited the two of you, of course the whole team were threatened that if they ruin this, they will not live to see the next day.

You were sitting in your room when suddenly Bucky runs in, making you jump "What the fuck Bucky!"

He giggled like a little girl and smiled at you whilst staring at you "That was funny"

You rolled your eyes "What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy"

"I just wanted to tell you that, Tony and I are throwing a little get together so you have to be there" He spoke as he slowly made his way towards your closet.

You jumped up and followed him "Why is he throwing one? He throws parties every weekend anyway"

There was a slight panic in Bucky's eyes but he wasn't facing you so you didn't see it "Because it's for us"

You sighed, knowing you won't get out of this "Fine-"

You tried to agree but the flying top hit your face, you pulled it off and threw it at him "You dickhead I'm behind you"

He giggled again "I know"

You pushed him gently and slightly giggled as well "What are you even doing?"

"Looking for some good clothes you can wear" He spoke as he kept trying to find something.

"I know how to dress good" You stated.

That caused him to turned his head and look at you up and down "Yeah sure"

"Get out of here before I make you" You crossed your arms as you stared at him.

"Okay fine but be ready by 7" He started to walk towards your door, you nodded at him and when he stopped again and looked at you "Make sure it's something elegant or..."

He smirked "Revealing.."

You started to walk towards him and he ran away from you as he was giggling, you shook your head with a smile and closed the door. You looked at the clock, you still had time so you continued with what you were doing.

You ended up showering and dressing elegant, you wasn't exactly informed what this get together was for, so you just dressed up that was revealing but very respectfully.

Bucky walked you to the elevator and told you where to go, being here for more than a year and still not familiar that this place has more rooms, but this building is owned by Tony Stark of course it has so many rooms.

You were glad he didn't plan this get together somewhere away because getting back here whilst your drunk is a problem, you walked into this room and it had everything, a dance floor, a bar with tables near by and only one table decorated.

It should've already lit up a little bulb in your head but you were too shocked by the size of this room and how it fit here, there was a big balcony as well with some comfortable chairs.

You made your way towards the bar before doing anything else, you made yourself a drink and turned around to still no one, until your eye caught movement out in the balcony.

You frowned as you didn't notice or heard anyone entering, so you made your way towards the movement as you saw Natasha sitting down enjoying her drink.

"Natasha?" You asked, causing the woman to quickly look over at you and continue to stare out in the city after.

"Y/n" She simply said your name just like you said hers.

"How long have you been here?" You asked as you still stood in the same place.

"I don't know, I think I'm on my second drink now" She spoke up again, but this time she stood up as she faced you.

"Are you okay?" You asked a little worried.

"Of course" She tried her best to mask her feeling but you knew better.

You looked around and still there was no show from the team "Is the rest of the team coming?"

She scoffed as she walked on towards the bar to top her drink up, causing you to follow "What?"

"They set us up" She spoke with ease, like there were no emotions behind those words.

"What do you mean? Bucky told me about the get together-"

She faced you abruptly "There is no get together Y/n"

You frowned "Then why are you mad?"

"I'm not mad"

"Well obviously something is upsetting you-" You tried to raise your point but she stopped you.

"Because I know how this will end Y/n, the reason to why this happened is because Bucky and the rest of the team can't keep their nose out of my business"

You frowned with confusion "What are you talking about?"

Natasha took a sip of her drink as she slightly leaned back on the bar "They obviously want to humiliate me, they set up everything to be romantic so we get together"

You swallowed at her words, as you take another look at the room, now that she mentioned it you saw it, the table with roses and some candles, expensive wine on the side and the romantic music with slightly dimmed lights.

You looked back at her and before you could even say anything, she beat you to it "Please spare me the whole 'I like you but just a friend' thing, I really just want to enjoy my drink and not think about the rejection from you"

"This is why they called it the 'get together' huh.." You mumbled underneath your nose as realisation hit you.

"You didn't really think Tony would organise a random get together?"

You shrugged "I mean that man is unpredictable and likes to drink a lot so I wouldn't really think about it"

She chuckled into the glass before she took a sip of her drink, which you used an opportunity to talk "Look Nat, I'm not sure why you instantly assume there wouldn't be a little percent of me being interested"

Natasha raised her eyebrows at you "You see yourself with me? In a romantic way?"

She stared at you as you innocently shrugged "Would that be so bad?"

"N-no of course not!" She stuttered as she was quick to disagree with you.

You slightly smirked and taking a sip of your own drink that you were still holding, you walked over to her and grabbed two wine glasses, slowly making your way over to the table.

"What are you doing?" She asked as she watched you curiously.

"Starting to enjoy this date" You spoke as you turned your face to see her, she looked down briefly with a smile and finally joined you...

It was definitely a successfully date which led to multiple dates to happen after, and here you are couple years in, still as Natasha's girlfriend.

So far it seemed like everything was going great, waking up in Natasha's arms each morning, slightly lay in as you enjoyed the morning together, it never gotten boring because those were the moments you could relax before the chaos started.

The only breaks you ever had was little dates that could only last an hour or so before heading to sleep as work wasn't going to wait in the morning, it was exhausting and Natasha noticed that.

She was worried about you, usually you and her would spend couple hours after missions, just talking and catching up but lately you were a little withdraw from her.

She didn't blame you, these missions only gotten harder and sometimes spending days without each other only added to the stress, so Natasha being a genius she is, came up with a solution.

She wanted to surprise you with a vacation, away from this constant stress but of course this required her being away more as she took on more missions.

So when she started to be less around, you started to panic, you were scared that this was the end of your relationship. At first you thought maybe it's before there is more to do but Steve accidently slipped and said that there is the same amount of missions.

This caused you to spiral, after your own tiring missions all you wanted to come back to was Natasha's arms, the way her fingers would be deeply buried into your head and you would peacefully fall asleep with her head buried into her neck.

Natasha briefed the team of what she was doing, warning that if anyone slips up about her surprise, she will literally throw them off a building and not care if they have something to save themselves.

By the time Natasha would be back, you would be either sleeping or already on your own mission, you barely saw each other and never had any time to have a conversation.

What you thought Natasha was doing, was actually far from it. She was saving up to surprise you whilst you sat in your shared bedroom coming up with scenarios where she tells you she doesn't want to be with you.

You blamed yourself for being so withdraw but it was hard to talk about the things you had to witnesses and ensure you don't fail like you did couple years back.

You informed Steve that you will be taking the day off before hand as you sat in the dark for Natasha to come back. You didn't know if she would be back now or in the morning but you couldn't sleep, you needed to know if she was avoiding you.

The door opened as Natasha tried to sneak inside of the room without waking you up but that was useless when she noticed you sitting on the bed.

She turned on the light "детка (baby) are you okay?"

You look at her with tears in your eyes, she rushes over to you as she checks for any signs of injuries "What's wrong?"

You take a deep breath "Are you going to leave me?"

She stopped in her tracks as she stared at you with shock "W-what?"

You wiped the fallen tears as your eyes were glued to her "You started to take on more missions and I know it's not because there is more, Steve told me"

Natasha signed as she closed her eyes and mentally cursed Steve for opening his mouth, but you continued "I'm just afraid this means you are avoiding me and will end up breaking up with me"

Natasha finally placed herself in front of you, kneeling down as she took your hands into hers "I'm not leaving or breaking up with you детка (baby)"

You felt relief wash over you at her words "Then why are you taking on more missions?"

She took a deep breath as she stared into your eyes "I wanted to surprise you, I didn't think you would find out so early but-"

She stood up as she walked over to her laptop, she sat herself next to you as she opened it, letting the display show what she was looking up.

"I noticed you were stressed and wanted to surprise you with a vacation" She flicked through some of the tabs that showed multiple locations for perfect vacation spots.

You gasps as you watched her flick through, you could feel the weight on your chest just vanish and all of your previous worries wash away.

You still had tears flowing down your face but they were happy tears "I'm sorry Natty, I jumped into conclusions but lately my nightmares have gotten worse since you haven't been here"

She sadly smiled at you as she placed the laptop down and pulled you into her, with her thumb wiping away the tears "It's okay Y/n/n, you don't need to be sorry, it should be me who should be sorry for making you feel like that and not being here for you"

You looked up at her "What did I do to deserve you Tasha"

She smiled "You deserve the world Y/n/n"

"It's in front of me-" You said as you frowned.

Natasha smiled widely as she nodded "I know" the Russian knew exactly what to do, she knew your world was her and tricking you was just as easy.

"You tricked me" Natasha smiled as you dramatically gasps at her 'betrayal'.

She nodded with a smile as she pulled you into a kiss, any stress that was left hanging disappeared within seconds of her lips against yours.

Natasha ended up taking some days off to be with you and help you with your missions but still worked very hard to finally get out of this place and see something new.

Which she succeeded, it didn't take long for that to happen as she had saved up a lot during the time she wasn't around. Natasha was nervous, you thought it was because she had to leave behind a part of her life that she swore to never leave.

But there was something else, she was actually nervous because when she was away from one of the missions that just happen to be in Budapest, she came across her family that she haven't seen in a long time which she failed to mention to you.

She was more than happy to catch up with them and practically spent half of her time with them, to which they found out about her relationship and her surprise.

Alexei being Alexei decided to invite himself along with Melina and Yelena to this surprise without really notifying Natasha, the day she booked the vacation, happen to be the day Alexei decided to have the same vacation.

The day before leaving, he called Natasha and that's when he informed her "Now you won't have to be alone on this vacation Natasha, you'll have us to join you!"

"I wouldn't have been alone, I have Y/n!" Natasha was pacing around the room.

"Oh don't be dramatic, we want to meet this Y/n, it's a perfect timing" She could practically hear his smile as he spoke.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" She asked as she make sure you were out of hearing range.

"I knew you would react like this so we surprised you"

"All three of you were on this?" Natasha asked, she wasn't expecting Yelena to be in on this as well.

"No, he bribed me" Yelena's voice came through the phone as the Russian signed.

She wanted to argue more but she heard you calling out for her "I'll see you tomorrow then"

"That's the spirit-" He spoke very enthusiastically but Natasha was quick to hang up before you overheard the conversation.

"Oh there you are" You finally laid your eyes on her with a huge smile.

You noticed that something was off when she gave you half a smile at your sight, she was clearly nervous "Something's wrong.. What's wrong?"

Natasha shook her head "Nothing is wrong"

"Then why are you nervous?" You had a worried expression plastered across your face.

Natasha cursed to herself at how well you knew her "I was just double checking everything is perfect for tomorrow"

You placed your hand on her cheek, giving her a encouraging smile "Being with you is already perfect, no doubt tomorrow wouldn't be just as perfect"

She smiled as she placed her head on your chest as your arms embraced her "We should probably spend some time with the team before we leave"

Natasha's grip on you tightened "But I want to spend my time with you onlyyy"

You giggled "We will have time during the 3 and half weeks away from them"

"Fine but you're sitting on my lap, I don't want Wanda anywhere near you" Natasha unglued herself from you as she stared you in the eyes.

"Wanda is not a threat but if it will make you feel better that's fine with me" You rolled your eyes but spoke with a smile.

You called in the last movie night before leaving and the team was more than happy to pull away from missions for the day just to spend some quality time with the two of you.

Of course the two of you left the movie night earlier due to getting up early but Natasha might've lied to just have you to herself before actually having to sleep.

The morning was chaos, making sure you had everything and nothing was missing, even when leaving there was always that feeling that something was left behind when in reality you had everything.

Natasha was getting more anxious which was very noticeable, you wanted to say something but you didn't want to do it in the plane. The flight was more than relaxing, you always loved travelling and this was like a dream come true, especially since you thought you would always be stuck in that building working on missions day and night.

When the two of you arrived at the not familiar airport, you stretched out and that's when you noticed a group of 3 people waving and smiling at you and Natasha, you looked back to make sure it was aimed at you.

You turned to Natasha who was checking on her phone how far the hotel was "Nat... Why are there people waving at us?"

She stopped what she was doing as she looked up at you and then at the people, she sighed as she put her phone away and looked back at you "Meet my family"

"Your what?!" You asked as she quickly walked away from you, you followed right after as they greeted you.

"Oh my, you must be Y/n... You are a lot more skinner than we imagined.." Melina commented as she eyed you up and down.

Yelena pushed past Melina as she walked towards you with a smile " You look okay, I like you"

You looked over at Natasha to which she gave you a smile and you laughed nervously at Yelena, on the other hand they seemed nice apart from Alexei.

Melina had to nudge him "Say something Alexei"

"But she haven't said anything, why should I speak first-"

Natasha interrupted him "Great! Y/n/n let me just introduce you since they haven't said their names"

"Alexei" She pointed towards him, "Melina and Yelena" She finished as she faced you again with a smile.

You forced a smile and turned towards Alexei "Are you not the Red Guardian?"

There it was, a huge smile across his lips "She gets it"

"Don't get him started-" Natasha tried to warn you but you didn't want to listen to her at the moment.

"Do you have any cool stories?" You asked as you looked at Natasha briefly and then back at Alexei.

"I have so many! There was this one time-" He started his story with this grin across his face at the recollection of his memories.

"Okay! Not right now, we need to get to the hotel first" Natasha interrupted him as she stepped in front of him so your eyes were on her.

"Natasha is right, we need to go to the hotel and then find somewhere we can eat!" Melina agreed as she took her luggage and started to walk ahead.

Everyone followed her and Natasha as she was the only one who knew where the hotel was, she already rented a car out during the booking and drove to the hotel.

Everyone parted their ways to put the bags away and see how the day can do, you didn't speak to Natasha on your way to the room, you were slightly upset that she didn't tell you. You were meeting her family for the first time and you wanted to know to at least look presentable.

You weren't afraid of what they thought of you but if they would accept you, you love Natasha and you can't see yourself with someone else apart from her so the subject of marriage is still yet to happen, but you want it, you want to be apart of her family and that is if they accept you.

Most of your relationships ended because their family didn't accept you and that's something you didn't want to repeat, you really cared about Natasha so it really mattered to you.

As soon as the two of you walked inside the room, she tried her luck "Y/n/n?"

You ignored her as you started to pull out some fresh clothes to change into, she continued "детка (baby)?"

She made her way towards you which you still ignored, you could never be mad at her, you were just upset so you looked up at her, she always knew that you loved it when she spoke Russian to you.

"You should've told me Natasha" You spoke up as you kept your eyes on her.

She sighed, you never used her name unless it was serious "I'm sorry, I didn't know they were coming until Alexei called me yesterday"

You raised your brows at her "You knew since yesterday and you didn't say anything?"

"You didn't even tell me you had a family in the first place" You tore your gaze from her as you took your clothes and walked to the bathroom.

"I didn't know it would be a big deal Y/n/n" She followed you to he bathroom.

You laid your clothes down as you faced her "Of course it's a big deal, I want to know when I'm going to meet my in laws Natasha"

She couldn't help but smile "In laws?"

"You heard me" You looked away because if you kept looking you would end up smiling, she had a very contagious smile.

"I didn't talk about them because I didn't even think I would see them, ever again but I did and Alexei decided to invite himself to our vacation, I didn't want this meeting to go like this and I'm sorry I didn't say anything, I was afraid you would want to back out"

You stood still as you looked in the mirror and at her, continuing to listen to her before saying anything "I have planned things that doesn't involve them if that's what you're worried about"

She took a couple small steps towards you, making you sigh and face her "That's not what I'm worried about.."

She took your hands into hers as she looked at you with a small smile "Then what are you worried about?"

"That they wont accept me Nat, I don't exactly have a good record of my relationships with family, most of them left because their parents didn't like me, I just- It's stupid" You tore your hands away from her as you looked away.

She shook her head "No it's not" She reached for your chin, forcing you look at her "What you feel is important so stop trying to push it down"

She moved her hand to your cheek " And don't worry about them, they have a hard time warming up to practically everyone, but on the bright side Yelena likes you so that's one person, plus she is very convincing"

You lean into her hand "It still doesn't change the fact that I am upset with you"

She smiled as her other hand made it's way to your hip to pull you closer "Let me make it up to you"

You nodded as you moved closer to her lips with a slight smile, but as soon as it started, it ended. Just when your lips collided with each other like they did a million times before, you were interrupted by a very loud knock.

"Natasha!" Melina's muffled voice came from the other side.

She pulled away and sighed "This is why I wouldn't have agreed to them coming"

You giggled as Natasha answered "What!"

"He is about to break the door, you better open" Yelena shouted as she slightly chuckled.

"You shower and I will busy them" She untangled herself from you as she proceeded to go to them.

"I will shower later, I will just change" You spoke up before she disappeared out of the bathroom.

"You don't need to rush you know?" She asked and you nodded with a smile "I know but I rather shower with you later"

She smirked as she walked out this time, closing the door and walking over to open the door to let them in "How did you even find this room"

Yelena was eating something but she pointed towards Alexei "He was listening in"

Alexei faced her "Snitch, that's not how I raised you"

"Actually you didn't really raise me-" The blonde tried to correct him, but Melina cut in.

"Where is Y/n?" She looked past Natasha into the room and there was no sign of you.

"What did you do to котенок (kitten)?" Yelena asked when her attention was pulled towards the question.

"Did you give a pet name for my girlfriend?" Natasha asked as she narrowed her eyes at her sister.

"She is like a kitten, she's new and cute so yeah she's a котенок" Yelena explained as you walked out of the bathroom in new clothes.

Natasha looked at you with shock "Are you hearing this? She gave you a pet name"

You stood next to redhead as her arm snaked around you "There is no need to be jealous Nat"

You looked at Yelena who had a grin as she knew how to mess with Natasha and you wanted to join in "I'm not jealous, that would mean I don't have you when I do, she's jealous"

Alexei chuckled "Melina I don't think we ever saw Natasha jealous"

You tried your best to not laugh as Melina spoke up "You're right, it's definitely a new look on her"

"Okay that's enough, all of you!" Natasha eyed everyone except you as they continue to tease her.

"We should probably head to eat something or they will close everything" You raised a point to which they all agreed and Natasha silently thanked you from taking their attention of her.

"котенок is right" Yelena used your pet name, earning a death stare from Natasha to which she just giggled.

As you walked on, Natasha had her hand interlocked with yours until Alexei pulled her into him to tell her something causing her to let go of you, making you walk along with Yelena.

"I like your vest" You looked at Yelena and what she was wearing.

She practically beamed "It has a lot of pockets"

"Pockets?" You questioned, it didn't look like it did but as soon as she reached inside, she was able to pull out more than 3 items.

"See, I can stash so much food here" She had a smile plastered across her face as she showed you.

"She never takes off that vest" Melina chipped in as she was observing the two of you.

You were impressed so you really didn't care "I mean I wouldn't either, it's really practical"

"See! She gets it" Yelena raised her voice slightly as you giggled.

Melina rolled her eyes playfully at Yelena, once again Alexei pulled Yelena into him as he spoke to both of them, leaving you with Melina.

"Don't worry Y/n, Alexei will warm up to you but from what I can see, he already took a liking in you so all you have to do is take in interest in his boring stories and he will end up not wanting to leave you alone"

You looked at Melina when she slightly whispered, just enough so the three in the front wouldn't overhear "As for me, Natasha seems to really love you and I want her to be happy, so if it's you who makes her smile like that, then so be it. I'm just happy my little girl is finally happy"

You held back some tears at her speech "I'm very grateful that you took a chance on me Melina, it's very important to me as my mother doesn't see like that"

"Aw Дорогой (sweetheart)" She pulled you into her side as yous continued to walk.

"I swear to god, If another person gives Y/n a pet name, they won't know what day is tomorrow" Natasha pulled herself away from Alexei's grip as she stopped everyone and narrowed her eyes at Melina.

"Okay, calm down Natasha" Melina tried to keep Natasha calm, she was never a threat to them but she didn't want Natasha to be angry after.

"Listen to your mother" Alexei agreed with Melina which only fuelled Natasha on.

She scoffed as she looked at the Red Guardian which caused Yelena to laugh at her sister "I'm so glad we decided to come here and meet котенок (kitten)"

Natasha was ready to fight her sister but you were quicker as you pulled her back to where she was before, holding her by the hand to which she just gave Yelena a death stare and you giggled.

"But don't forget Y/n if you hurt Natasha, we will haunt you down" Melina's tone turned serious.

You gulped and the redhead rolled her eyes "Okay James Bond, leave Y/n/n alone"

Melina's serious face turned into a smile within seconds and she joined the two in the front, now leaving you with Natasha.

"They like you" There was a huge smile across both of yours faces.

"It feels good to know that" You felt at peace, they weren't any regular family, they were chaotic and different and that's what you liked about them.

"I love you" Natasha chocked out as she stopped and pulled you back into her.

"I love you too Talia" A smile was spread across your face that always gave Natasha butterflies, she pulled your face into hers and kissed you with all of emotions behind it.

"You have gotten soft Natasha" Yelena yelled but the redhead didn't care, she probably did go soft but she only showed it when you were around, you made her soft and she actually liked it...

⸻⸻⋙☸⋘⸻⸻

If you want to join my tag list, click here and enjoy my future posts.

Tag list: @eilarch, @wandanatblogs, @madamevirgo @diaryoflife, @theprassebox, @daenerys713,

[emerald-chaos]

Insomnia

*gif not made by me, credit goes to the owner*

Hi Everyone! So it's been probably like...10 years since I wrote my last fic lol. Watching TFATWS has rekindled my undying love for Bucky Barnes and I just couldn't help but start writing again. I had to get my feelings out! I hope you guys enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I've been considering writing some more parts...so tell me if that's something you'd be interested in! I appreciate any and all constructive feedback or just feedback in general! Much love.

Pairing: Reader x Bucky Barnes

Word Count: 2533 (lowkey popped off...oops)

Warnings: Just in case...vague allusions to a dark past, struggles with mental illness, explicit language, and some suggestive conversation. Oh and some really bad jokes lol. Fluffy and angsty.

No matter how much you tossed and turned, how many sheep you counted, or how much you prayed and pleaded to any higher power that would listen – the release of sleep just wasn’t going to happen. You’re not sure why you were surprised, it’s not like this was the first time. You let out a heavy sigh and toss off the covers. This has been a nightly occurrence for as long as you can remember. When you were trying to rest, when there was no noise to block out the images in your head, it was a battle. A battle which you have always lost.

You flip on the bright florescent lights of the bathroom as you trudge in, dragging your feet in exhaustion. It takes a minute for your eyes to adjust to the harshness of the light as you place your hands onto the countertop. The cool marble feels good against your palms as you close your eyes and lean your head back, another sigh leaving your lips. You twist your neck from side to side, trying to release some tension and maybe get a satisfying pop. No such luck. As you open your eyes and gaze upon the person staring back at you a small laugh tumbles from your chest.

Jesus, she looks awful.

The dark circles that permanently reside below your eyes appear more pronounced than usual. The corners of your mouth hang low and you just look…tired. Like you were rode hard and put away wet.

The bottle of melatonin tucked away on your counter catches your eye. You pick it up and twirl it as you inspect the writing. “Sleep Support” you read, “may help promote restful sleep”. What a load of shit. You place the bottle back down and inspect the orange one next to it. The pills inside were about as useful as the melatonin. Nothing seemed to quiet the voices or stop the scenarios that plagued your mind. You splash some cold water on your face and grab for a towel to pat it dry. Your eyes drift to the mirror again, as if though the water was going to wash away the dead look in your eyes.

Yeah, fat chance.

Before you know it, your legs are carrying you through the compound. The only sounds present are the whirring of various appliances and the soft patter of your feet against the tile floors. The moonlight casts shadows over the various pieces of furniture and lights your path. Your fingers curl around the handle as you pull the sliding glass door open. The crisp outside air kisses your skin as you step out and close the door behind you. You find yourself settling down in your usual spot on the balcony and you sink into the comfort of the chair.

Many a sleepless night has been spent out here, admiring the way the moonlight gleams off of a nearby pond. Before the compound and the balcony, it was a fire escape and a bottle of bourbon. You kind of missed that coping mechanism a little bit. You were thankful, of course, to call this place your home. Thankful to feel safe for once. Thankful to be a part of a team that felt like more of a family than any sorry piece of shit who had been in your life before. Not that you were bitter about that or anything. A little baggage builds character. However, life hasn’t always been kind to you and your stupid brain had a cruel way of constantly reminding you of that fact.

In all honesty, Tony rescued you. You absolutely hated to allow him to relish in that fact, but it was true. He took a chance on a royally fucked up kid out of college who managed to skate by and earn a mechanical engineering degree. If you were to ask him, he would say it was because the first words you said to him were fuck off. Apparently, something about that translated to, “hey, I would be a great addition to your tech and development team”. Although, you were pretty sure you just really meant that he should fuck off. I mean, the guy’s reputation does have a bit of moral gray area to it. Somehow, some way, your tenacity made an impression on the billionaire. Now here you were - living at the Avenger’s compound, sitting on a balcony at 3:30 in the morning because you couldn’t turn your brain off long enough to find some peace and sleep. What a life.

Even as you were sitting here in your special spot, reminiscing about some actual good memories – your brain still tried to drift into the darkness. Glass breaking; voices, thick with hate, engaged in a screaming match, and the cold nights spent trying to find a safe space to eat and lay your head. Your fingers gripped into the arms of the chair as you felt the heaviness in your chest increase.

“God damn it,” you cursed through gritted teeth.

The panic attacks were a second nature at this point, but you still really hated when you lost control. Your eyes closed tight as you tried to rack your brain to remember the bullshit your therapist had told you earlier in the week. Something about 5 things you can see?

“We gotta stop meeting like this, Doll”

The voice ripped you from inside your mind and back to reality. Your eyes opened and were met with a beautiful pair of cerulean ones. You blamed the skip in your heartbeat on your fading panic attack - although, you knew better than that.

“Well, it seems to me that the only logical conclusion is that you’re stalking me, Barnes” you quipped as a grin spread across your face.

“Could say the same about you,” Bucky retorted as he sank into the chair beside you, “besides, been doin’ this a lot longer than you’ve been around”.

You rolled your eyes, but the super soldier had a point. Almost each and every time, aside from the ones that happened when the team was away, you two would meet like this – here on the balcony, both searching for something to replace the sleep that neither of you could find.

“Yeah, we get it, you’re old” a laugh fell from your lips as Bucky snorted at your remark, a grin remaining ever present on his lips.

The familiar silence took over as he leaned his head back against the chair, closing his eyes. Meanwhile, yours were hungrily taking him in - tracing over the stubble on his chin, the soft pinkness of his parted lips. Recently he’d gotten his hair cut and even though you much preferred the long hair, you would rather die than actually admit that to him. Your crush on the 106 year old grumpy ass was one of your best kept secrets. At least, you thought you’d kept it from being painfully obvious.

The man sitting before you, he had a tough exterior and a horrific history, but you knew him better than that. You knew about the way his nose scrunched up when you made him laugh and the way his eyes looked as he listened intently to every story you ever told him. You knew the sweet melody of his laugh and the far off stare that meant he was also held captive by his own thoughts. This late-night rendezvous had become somewhat of a routine for the two of you and you would be lying if you said it wasn’t your favorite part of the day.

The first time it was a short nod and typical white person, thin-lipped smile as you left to find a different spot to suffer alone. Shortly after, it developed into cohabiting the balcony – staying on your own separate sides of course, only occasionally sharing words. Then, before you knew it, the two of you would be sitting beside each other, shooting the shit like you’d known each other for years. Just two, incredibly fucked up individuals, trying to make each other feel a little more human.

Bucky had always given off the quiet, brooding energy. Typically he kept to himself, other than with close friends like Steve, choosing to stand in the corner and listen to the conversation rather than be a part of it. Occasionally he would give a quip during a meeting that would catch people off guard, but mostly he just sat there and stared. The Bucky you had come to know was nothing like the person that others wanted to make him out to be. Sure, at one point he was a masterful assassin who killed like he got pleasure from it – but that wasn’t him. The Winter Soldier and Bucky Barnes were not synonymous.

If only the world could meet Bucky at 3am.

“What’s going on in that empty head of yours over there?” Bucky’s voice once again brought you back to reality as you laid your eyes on the familiar grin plastered across his face.

“Please,” you huffed, cheeks tinted a light shade of pink at the thought of him catching you staring, “which one of us has a college degree again?”

His laugh was a symphony to your ears. Your smile mirrored his when he opened his eyes and turned his head to look at you.

“So, what is it tonight? That nightmare again?” he asked, voice dropping an octave as his facial features softened in a way you really hoped only you got to see.

“Mm, not quite” you responded, your voice a broken whisper.

Bucky wasn’t the type to pry, but with you he wouldn’t even have to. Talking to him, sharing your deepest secrets and fears, telling him about the nightmares that kept you awake at night – it all came easily. Too easily.

“This week it’s...it’s that image of my stupid mother. Standing there with her black eyes and busted lip, telling me that it was me that was the problem. That it was me who...” you swallowed hard, the heaviness creeping back into your chest and tears fighting to wet your eyes. God you hated that you let this get the best of you.

Just as your mind started to bring you back to that dark place it was interrupted by the feeling of warmth spreading over your body. You looked down to see Bucky’s large hand resting right above your knee. When your eyes met again, he gave you a soft look that made your heart scream.

“I’m sorry,” you could tell he meant it as he gave your knee a soft squeeze.

A small smile flashed over your face and you had to resist the urge to reach out and cup his soft, stubbled cheek in your hand.

“Hey, we’re all a little fucked up, right?” you joked.

“Some more than others,” he replied, those beautiful wrinkles appearing around his nose as he scrunched it up with another laugh.

“Thanks, Buck... I’m sure you’d rather be doing anything other than listening to my sob story,” you reluctantly broke eye contact and looked down at the hem of your shirt as you fiddled with it in your fingers.

You were all too aware at the loss of contact as Bucky drew his hand back and leaned back into his chair.

“Doll,” he started as he leaned his head back and closed his eyes again - you could swear you almost saw a grin on his lips, “there are very few things I’d rather do than sit with you on the balcony at 3am”.

At that moment it felt as though time stood still. Sure, you had flirtatious banter back and forth occasionally and made a habit out of spilling your deepest regrets to each other during the wee hours of the morning, but this felt different. This felt like a confession.

You’d be lying to yourself if you tried to convince yourself, or anyone else for that matter, that you didn’t have a thing for him. I mean - who wouldn’t? The guy was a gentleman; he was soft spoken and caring, he was a dork who loved to crack jokes at the most inappropriate times, the type of person who would give you the shirt off of his own back if it meant you were taken care of.

He....well, he was Bucky.

And god damn it if you didn’t love him.

You’re unsure of how much time has passed, but one minute you’re sitting on your chair, chewing your lip and droning on about the man in front of you in your head. The next minute you found yourself on his lap, knees seated on either side of his waist as your legs straddle him and your hands connect with the skin they so desperately craved to feel. Bucky’s eyes opened slowly and met yours as you let the pad of your thumb gently run along the curve of his bottom lip. The uneven breaths leaving your chest hitched as you felt his hands grip your hips softly. Refusing to break eye contact, Bucky gently pressed a kiss to the pad of your thumb. You dragged his lower lip down briefly.

“Well,” he began. His voice was barely above a whisper but it’s thick, lustful tone made you shiver from head to...well, you know, “are you gonna kiss me, Doll? Or do I have to do all the work myself?”

He barely finished his sentence before your lips captured his. It was messy, almost all teeth and tongue. It was needy, as if it was the last time either of you would ever kiss anyone again. It was fucking incredible.

Bucky’s metal arm snaked up your back and found its way into your hair, curling his fingers gently around the strands at the back of your head, as his other arm wrapped around your waist and pulled you closer to his form. He was intoxicating. This whole situation was something you had briefly imagined months ago, but ultimately pushed out of your mind. There was no way that he would ever be interested in someone like you. Yet, here he was, tongue fighting for entrance into your mouth.

You aren’t quite sure who pulled away first. Both of you were gasping for air, chests heaving up and down as you both stared into each other's lust-blown pupils.

“You kiss pretty well for someone who hasn’t had a girlfriend since 1940,” you teased, laughing as he rolls his eyes at the comment.

“You just don’t know when to shut that mouth of yours, do ya?” he practically growled, ever so slightly tightening his grip on your waist, and you almost lost it from just the sound of his voice alone.

“Why don’t you make me, Barnes?” you leaned in close, warm breath fanning over the shell of his ear.

A yelp escaped your throat as you were suddenly jerked up to a standing position, locking your ankles behind his back as he effortlessly held you up by your thighs.

“Oh Doll,” he chuckled darkly into your neck, almost making you pass out from the sensation, “I thought you’d never ask”.

[winterhawk-olympic-bang]

Here is our first 2022 Writer Workshop post, written by @drgrlfriend​. Have a read and then head over to the Discord Server where we have a channel for you to take part in a discussion based on the post, with chances to share your own ideas too.

Character Development/Character Arcs

Guest Poster: Dr. Girlfriend

When I first started writing fanfiction, I stuck to a pretty standard three act structure. The characters meet, they form a relationship, and then together they confront and defeat a Big Bad.

Over time, the Big Bad got more perfunctory and started to feel almost tacked-on, and then I realized that ultimately a lot of times I wasn’t interested in including one at all. But what, then, creates a satisfying story and conclusion?

For me, I realized that the key to the story I wanted to write was character development, and the “Big Bad” is something within the character that they need to either come to terms with or overcome.

This is not to say that you can’t write a good fic with an external obstacle (pandemic keeps them apart, they have a mystery to solve, they don’t know they are soulmates, they are from rival crime families, a misunderstanding makes one of them think the other is in a relationship already, etc.), but most of the time, in my recent fics at least, it is something within the character that is preventing the relationship from progressing. Until the character overcomes that obstacle within themselves, the relationship cannot progress.

So, when you’re developing your characters, what can this be? Pretty much anything that prevents people from moving forward successfully in a relationship. Some examples might be:

Depression

Fear of intimacy

Trauma

Insecurity

Self-sabotaging behaviors

Negative patterns learned in childhood

The character can overcome their obstacle individually, or with the help of the other character, or they could each be overcoming their own issues in a parallel way.

Another thing I’ve found to be helpful is to think about how your character’s greatest strength is also their greatest weakness. Do you love a character because of their loyalty? Maybe they give their loyalty to the wrong person, or are blind to someone else’s faults. Maybe they are so loyal that they become downright uncomfortably ruthless when their “person” is threatened. Do you love a character because of their strength? Maybe in order to be strong they have repressed parts of themselves. Maybe their definition of strength means not relying on other people or even trusting other people. Marvel actually does a pretty good job of this in canon — Steve Rogers’ stubbornness is his defining trait, for better or worse. Tony’s futurism saved his life but he doesn’t know when to put on the brakes. Thinking about what appeals to you about the character, but then how the extreme of that trait may play out negatively in the character’s environment or close relationships, can be a good start.

For recent fics, I’ve found it helpful to put the character arc right at the top, as a kind of “touchstone” for where I want the story to go.

For example, this was at the top of Freedom’s Reach:

Clint’s character arc — he learns to ask for what he wants not just what he thinks he can get, knows his worth

Bucky’s character arc — he opens himself up to someone, lets himself need someone, realizes he has a lot to offer

E.g.: Bucky: “People have intrinsic value!”

Clint: “Sounds fake but okay.”

Clint: “I would choose you even if I had infinite choices!”

Bucky: “Sounds fake but okay.”

If you have this character arc in mind you have already “built in” an emotionally satisfying ending! All you have to do is have the characters start in one place, defined by the obstacle, and end in a completely different place (hopefully together), defined by the success of overcoming the obstacle.

Freedom’s Reach starts with Clint desperate and alone — betrayed by his brother and the circus folk. It ends with Clint feeling secure and happy, confident in Bucky’s love. Similarly, the fic starts with Bucky alone in his empty house, isolated from his friends and leading a joyless existence. It ends with him happy and affectionate, socializing not just with Clint but with the wider world.

So, now you have your point A and your point Z, but what about all the points in between? First, ask yourself this question:

Maybe time alone is all the characters need to decide to be together now, but in a story like I’m describing usually there’s something else — they have to make their way further along the path of character progression to be at a point where they can have a successful relationship.

To be fanciful, I think of the path from A to Z as being paved with brick and mortar. First, let’s talk about the bricks.

Once you have the character arc, you have to translate it into actual events. You can’t just say in narration, “Clint used to be insecure, but now he realizes his worth — hooray!” To use the old cliche of “show, don’t tell” — you have to demonstrate through events what overcoming the obstacle will actually look like. Here are my character arcs again, this time with specific events I brainstormed that would represent points along the journey:

Clint’s character arc — he learns to ask for what he wants not just what he thinks he can get, knows his worth

forming friendships (Widow, etc.)

realizing he has value beyond his usefulness to others

standing up to Barney

culminating in asking Bucky to keep him

Bucky’s character arc — he opens himself up to someone, lets himself need someone, realizes he has a lot to offer

lets Clint see him in a vulnerable state (in pain after nightmare)

pushes himself out of his comfort zone in order to make Clint happy (using his words, going to the dance)

talks about Andersonville, which early in the fic it is made clear he never does

culminating in asking Clint to stay and saying he’ll follow him if he doesn’t

Next, to construct your Character Arc Pathway, you need to set these bricks in place with the “mortar,” which is the character’s state of mind. You first have to establish their beginning state of mind to make it clear what their obstacle is, and then over time you need to show that their state of mind is changing.

Let’s use some examples in Freedom’s Reach. First, there are Clint’s thoughts that show how desperate and alone he is:

He lies down on the rickety cot, suddenly exhausted. He’s used to scraping by, but it’s always been him and Barney, scraping by together. Even before the circus, when they were kids catching and eating rats to fill their bellies, they were in it together. Clint squeezes his eyes shut but the tears are already welling up.

He’s been trying not to think about it, trying to focus on just surviving, but at times like this, when he’s too tired to keep the thoughts at bay, they overwhelm him.

Bucky starts out as a less reliable narrator. He’s in a “I’m fine, everything’s fine, I am happy here behind the walls I’ve constructed from my own trauma” state of mind. For him, it requires an outside character to point out that his life is not as peachy as he is trying to pretend it is:

“It shouldn’t have happened this way,” Steve agrees. “But Bucky, I just wanted to show you that there’s more out there than you’re considering. I don’t like to see you like this.”

“Like what?”

Steve sighs. “Bitter. Withdrawn. Like you’ve given up on anything good ever happening to you.”

“I like my life, Stevie,” Bucky says wearily. He’s said it hundreds of times, but Steve can’t seem to get it through his thick skull.

Steve pushes up on one elbow. “What you’re doing here — it isn’t living. It’s just waitin’ to die.”

As the fic plays out, you want to see the characters slowly adopting a new mindset, through both thoughts and actions.

Clint starts the fic basically not familiar with the concept of intrinsic worth. Because it’s what he’s experienced so far, he feels that people only want him around because of what he can provide to them, and that the moment he stops being useful he’ll be abandoned. So, how do you make that kind of mindset clear?

First, Clint’s train of thought — in every situation he immediately tries to think how he can make himself useful:

And Clint is young, and healthy. He’s a hard worker. It must be difficult, having only one arm. Maybe the man just wants someone to do for him, help out with simple things he can no longer do on his own.

He covers up his hearing loss because he perceives it as a weakness that will lead to rejection:

“Do you think I should mention my poor hearing?”

“Perhaps — perhaps that’s something you could save for when you meet in person. Just in case,” she finally decides.

“Oh. Yeah, of course.” Just in case it makes him not want you, is what she means, and she’s probably right.

He panics once he realizes that he does not have skills that are useful in the situation he ends up in:

This all seemed so possible when Miss Lewis was helping him, but now she is all the way in Philadelphia, and he is here, and James is — James is not at all what he expected. James is not even James, he’s Bucky. In Clint’s imagination James was homely and poor and kind and desperate for companionship, but Bucky is handsome and rich and brusque and he doesn’t want Clint at all.

When Bucky points out the Clint has low expectations, Clint doesn’t even seem to understand what the alternative is:

“How come you don’t think about what you actually want, just what you think you can get?”

Clint doesn’t understand. What point is there in thinking about things you want? Nobody gets what they want.

And ultimately, when pushed to the breaking point, he comes right out and expresses this philosophy:

Clint’s expression flattens, a muscle clenching in his jaw. He looks away, flushing, his hands balling into fists before he shoves them into his pockets, rocking back on his heels. “What do you think anyone is, except for whatever use other people make of them?” he finally says, his voice sharp.

Even when Bucky flat-out tells Clint that his worth doesn’t depend on his usefulness, Clint can’t come to terms with it. He interprets it through the lens of his mindset, which is that he has to be even MORE useful.

You shouldn’t put your value in what other people want from you, Bucky had said. The words just don’t make any sense to Clint. What value does he have, if it’s not his skill with a bow, or his strong back, or his ability to bring someone pleasure in bed? It’s like Bucky is speaking a foreign language, setting some standard that Clint can’t even comprehend, let alone reach.

He clenches his jaw, firming his resolve. He’s got no one to rely on but himself anymore, and it means he’s just got to be better, is all. He knows for sure now that Bucky is attracted to him — no one can fake that. He just needs to find something to offer Bucky beyond his body, something that makes him worth having around long-term.

He just needs to be good enough to keep.

So how does Clint’s mindset change? First, he realizes he has more to offer people. He develops friendships outside of the relationship (e.g. with Natasha and Wyatt Wingfoot) that aren’t given in exchange for any skills or usefulness.

Next, he realizes that Bucky wants him around even when it is inconvenient. Even when he fails at household chores, or brings on the extra burden of Lucky, or Barney shows up to bring chaos, Bucky stands by Clint.

With a little bit of security at his back, Clint starts to realize that he is worth more than he’s been told. He has made true friends in the town, and he realizes that Barney is no good for him. Ultimately, despite misunderstandings, he asks for what he truly wants, and he gets it. He’s not with Bucky because he has no other options. He recognizes many other options he has, but he chooses to ask Bucky for his love, and receives it in return.

In the meantime, Bucky is progressing along his own path. When the fic starts he is disconnected from his friends, taking solace only in his work. He’s cut himself off from a lot of the little things that used to bring him joy. He has trouble expressing himself, and that slows things down considerably because he is not good about conveying how he feels. He tries to communicate with Clint through actions — accommodating his hearing loss, reading to him, buying him a bow. Clint reintroduces him to some of the things in life he didn’t realize he was missing, but for the romance to be satisfying they both have to convey that they are choosing the other person specifically, and not just out of convenience. So, Bucky finally finds his words and can tell Clint what he loves about him — a level of explicit explanation Clint, in his insecurity, requires. All the things he starts the fic saying are good enough to make him happy in his life — his house, his job — are things he’s willing to leave behind for Clint.

A final note about “satisfying” endings. It may be tempting to think that solving all a character’s problems results in a happy ending. Someone wins the lottery, and all their financial concerns disappear! They have a wedding and a baby and live happily ever after! There’s a few reasons that these endings are not really as satisfying as they may seem on the surface.

First, to be truly satisfying, an ending needs to be earned. You need to see how the character’s actions directly resolved the problem and led to their changed circumstance.

Second, endings are often most satisfying when they allow the characters to live on in your head in the way you got to know and love them. If you end a fic with everything completely different, it can also feel unsatisfying. You want to leave the characters at the next logical step, better than they were, but not completely changed or untethered from their prior circumstances.

Recommendations for fics with central themes of character development:

Clint Barton’s Super Secret Sniper’s Club by @captn-sara-holmes​

Like Real People Do by @kangofu-cb​

Starving for the Light by @thepartyresponsible​

Superior by @teeelsie-posts​

Choose Every Single Day by @noxnthea​

Symbiotic by @lissadiane​

Play it Again by @sakkakitty

[acefeather2002]

To Thaw a Jotun's Frozen Heart

Hey, sweet petals! Here it is! My first ever Loki fic. It was decided that this will be a hurt/comfort Loki x Reader story of Loki dealing with his past brought up by Thor and comforted and reassured by the reader. This is in celebration for reaching 100 followers some time ago. I'd lost some since then, but I'm gaining them back as this story was being written. Thank you so much, though, to my faithful followers for your support. I hope you like this.

There's a thing that I use in my X Reader stories, if you haven't seen yet, where I don't use pronouns even though I write in Third Person Point Of View. What I do use is (p/n) so the reader can insert his/her/their own preferred pronouns when necessary. The reason why is because I know that not everybody identifies as they/them, and I've seen many fics that have put that as the reader's pronoun. I hope this doesn't come off as offensive to the writers, but I'm sure that the reader doesn't want to be acknowledged as something that that person is not. She may not be a he; he may not be a they, and they may not be a she. Therefore, I decided to put in a pronoun label saying (p/n) so the reader can put in his/her/their appropriate pronoun when needed.

If the explanation at the beginning of those fics weren't clear, then I hope this clears it all up. I appreciate all the positive feedback about the topic. I will be honest: it is somewhat of an extra step, but it's definitely worth it. It's not my job to call my reader something he's/she's/they're not; that's your call and not mine. My job is to provide good quality content for my readers to enjoy, and that's what I'm going to do. With that being said, please enjoy my first ever Loki fic.

(Y/n)= Your name (obviously)

(P/n)= Your pronoun (he/him/his); (she/her/hers); (they/them/they're/their/theirs)

TW: mentions of traumatic past, mean/unforgiving!Thor, angst, fluffy ending

Tagging (This is the first time I've ever tagged anybody in my works.😅): @meibruges @high-functioning-lokipath @queenjosielaufeyson @writing-from-the-shadows@writingfics-passingtime

If you wish to be tagged in future stories, let me know in the DMs or ask box and list your desired fandom unless you'd like to be general and tagged in everything.

Thanks so much again for your support, precious petals!💗

-Magnolia🌺

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a pretty normal summer day in the Avengers compound. Starting sometime between 11 am and 1 pm, depending on each individual Avenger. Tony, Bruce, and Peter were in the lab tinkering away at whatever new project they were independently working on. Steve, Nat, and Bucky were sparring in the gym, having each lost a round at least once. Vision and Wanda were out once more on a date as w=they frequently were. Clint was back home with his wife and kids for the time being, and (Y/n) had just come in from a run around the perimeter of the compound.

Slightly out of breath from the cardio, (p/n) took (p/n) towel from around (p/n) neck to wipe away the sweat from the outdoor heat before heading to (p/n) room to shower and take a load off. (Y/n) only got halfway down the hall to (p/n) room when arguing could be heard from behind a closed door (p/n) was about to pass by, not wanting to be involved, before the voices became recognizable. Placing (p/n) ear to the door, (Y/n) heard the familiar voice of (p/n) boyfriend Loki fuss with a growl in his throat to his older brother Thor. This was no surprise to (p/n), but what made (p/n) pause was what was heard behind the tall plank of wood. "Brother, you and I both know that wasn't my fault!" Thor shouted. "Oh, really," Loki droned sarcastically, "As if it were my fault! You were the one that wanted to slay the Frost Giants in the first place!"

It was nothing but back and forth between the two Norse gods, each one throwing their brother's wrongdoings and mistakes. "You brought them into Asgard in the first place! You ruined my coronation!" "You were unfit to be king then! I did you a favor!" "You did no such thing! You manipulated me into going back! You had me stripped of my power! You LEFT ME in exile on Midgard powerless and weak!" "You forget that you also regained your power because of me!" "I wanted to save my friends from YOUR tyranny and monstrous deeds! Which with your attack on New York that killed many only your list of sins longer!" "Yet you've gained some new friends and allies!" "I've lost a friend and ally because of you! You toyed with the minds of my friends!" "You managed to get them back." "Not all of them! Many people were lost because of you! People of New York! Guards of Asgard! Our own mother AND father are dead because of you! If you hadn't sent that Dark Elf from the dungeon, he wouldn't have found her or Jane, and Mother would still be alive. If you hadn't dethroned Father, he'd still be ruling Asgard and wouldn't have given himself up the way he did! I've always been away and not had the time for Jane because I'm busy cleaning up YOUR mess which led to us breaking up! If you hadn't given the Tesseract to Thanos, we'd still have all of Asgard together, but we don't! I've lost too many people, and it was all because of you! Your hands are dripping red, innocent people's blood, and you don't care! It's no wonder that Father never wanted a Jotun on the throne of Asgard on account of your frozen heart!"

(Y/n) couldn't help the quiet gasp nor the flinch that escaped (p/n) control. Following Thor's rant, deafening silence stretched between the brothers, choking out the back and forth. Behind the door though, as the two stood facing each other, Loki could only look down at the floor, regret and shame written all over his face as Thor froze in dismay at his harsh words. The usually mischievous god only whispered, "Get out." Thor swallowed thickly as he wrung his fists before hesitantly reaching out to touch his brother's shoulder. He wasn't able to, though, because the younger swatted his hand away and roughly pushed him back towards the door while barking coldly, "I said get out!" Thor looked down ashamed at his actions and turned towards the door to leave. Hearing the nearing footsteps, (Y/n) quickly bolted and hid around a nearby corner, silently giving a sigh of relief as the God of Thunder walked away in the opposite direction. (P/n) hurried to (p/n) room to have a quick shower before coming back out to console (p/n) love.

When (p/n) returned, (Y/n) knocked gently on the door in a familiar pattern to let him know it was (p/n). A quiet, "Come in," was called seconds later after a small bout of shuffling heard through the wood. Slowly opening the door, (Y/n) poked (p/n) head inside and called softly, "Loki?" The god in question turned towards (p/n) and away from the window as a sad smile graced his features while he opened his arms for his love's embrace which was gladly given. "Hello, darling. How was your run?" he asked in his greeting. The couple stood in the embrace as the conversation continued. "It was a good run," (p/n) explained, "It was hot, so I just got out of the shower." "Is that right?" he asked teasingly, and (p/n) hummed in affirmation. "What goes on in that lovely mind of yours, dear?" he asked having noticed how quiet (p/n) was this time. "Um..." (p/n) stammered for a moment before sighing, not wanting to lie, "I overheard what Thor said." Loki fell silent and grew stiff and rigid before he asked guardedly, "What did you hear?" "Enough..." (Y/n) replied carefully. The mischief god stayed rigid for a moment longer before giving a solemn sigh as he let his thoughts out, "I now know how he truly feels about me. He thinks I don't care about the people that I've hurt, but I do. He blames me for the death our parents, a sin that I will never forgive myself for. He thinks of me as a frozen-hearted monster. Maybe he's right. Maybe, I am the monster who has a heart that is worthless as a heart for its frozen nature."

As Loki shared his side, (Y/n) could hear and feel his breath hitch and his voice start to tremble. (P/n) brows furrowed as (p/n) looked up to find the God of Mischief with a small tear slowly slipping down his cheek. Loki never shows his vulnerable side except to a select group of people that could be counted on only one hand, and that select group included (p/n). Reaching up, (Y/n) rested (p/n) hand on his cheek and wiped away the stray tear as he closed his eyes and leaned into the comforting touch. (P/n) then asked, whispering gently, "Do you really think yourself a monster?" Loki opened his eyes and stared into (Y/n)'s own sincere orbs, and (p/n) could see the pained sadness that he was willing to show instead of his mask of mischief.

He gave another sigh and looked away in the direction of (p/n) palm while placing his own hand on top. (Y/n) tried to follow him to maintain eye contact and questioned, "What do you think a monster looks like?" "Do you not see it?" he retorted as his own eyebrows drew together as (Y/n) shook (p/n) head no. (P/n) then asked, "What does a cold, frozen hearted monster look like? I want to see. Show me." Loki backed up from (p/n) touch as a faint green light shimmered over him from his feet to his head all while his skin slowly faded from pale to a deep azure blue and his eyes from their bluish green shine to a glimmering scarlet red.

"Now do you see?" he urged, "This is the monster with the blood on his hands. This is the frozen heart that had slain all those innocent lives all those years. This is the monster that you claim to have fallen in love with! So tell me! Look me in the eye and tell me that you don't see a cold, cruel, frozen hearted monster!" "I can't!" (p/n) all but shouted, "I can't say I see a monster because I don't! I don't see a monster! All I see is someone that lived his whole life underneath a lie and is trying so hard to find himself. Someone that had lost his way and is trying to make things right. Someone that was mind controlled into doing the sinister bidding of a real monster. That wasn't you."

(Y/n) took a couple of steps closer to him, but he stepped back to keep his distance. (P/n) felt (p/n) heart twist into knots of agony, but (p/n) didn't let it show. "You say that I 'claim' to love you when it's not true," (p/n) continued, "I don't 'claim' anything. I do love you. Despite your past, in spite of your flaws, regardless of your mistakes. I fell in love with the man that made me feel worth while. With the kind and gentle soul with a playful side always itching to come out. With the god working to right his wrongs and who proves everyday how much he's changed. If I fell in love with a frozen hearted monster, then surely I must have found a way to thaw your frozen heart." Throughout (p/n) speech, (Y/n) continued to walk closer to Loki in his Jotun form and managed to get closer when he backed himself into a corner in an attempt to keep his distance.

(P/n) finally was able to reach out and give his cold, blue cheek a gentle touch and carefully glided (p/n) thumbs over the raised designs on his skin. He let out a shaky breath as he closed his eyes again at the loving feeling before turning to plant a small peck on one of (p/n) palms. (Y/n) spoke up once more, conviction painted in every word, "Thor is wrong. You're not a monster. You've made some bad choices, but that's all in the past now. You have changed, and I know you see it too, but I won't hesitate to remind you of how far you've come if need be. I love you, Loki, and I am so proud of you." A few more tears decided to slip from his eyes at the kind sentiments before he sniffed and leaned in to connect his lips with his love's. The kiss was slow but steady, reassuring, and grounding as Loki kept one hand on the small of (p/n) back and the other on her (p/n) cheek while (Y/n) kept one on his cheek and the other on his shoulder, each pulling the other close.

They finally broke away for much needed air but leaned their foreheads against each other, a small smile finally reappearing on his lips. "Thank you," he muttered, "thank you so much." "Of course, my love," (Y/n) responded before leaning back with a smirk and a certain kind of gleam in (p/n) eye. Loki noticed instantly, and as his skin returned to its usual color, he teasingly asked, "What devious thoughts course through your mind, darling?" "I just need to talk to Thor about something, is all," (Y/n) mused as (p/n) pulled out a retractable dagger from (p/n) back pocket. (P/n) turned to leave but paused when Loki amusedly asked, "Tell me, darling, what are you to do?" (Y/n) charmed seductively as (p/n) glanced over (p/n) shoulder, "I'll be right back." Loki gave a chuckle as his love disappeared through the door and he heard his brother's name called with that enraged growl that he adored, "THOR! GET YOUR ASGARDIAN HIDE OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!!!"

[winterinhimring]

Reverse unpopular opinion about The Falcon And The Winter Soldier, please?

Ooh, that's a challenging one! I have mixed opinions on this show, but I'll do my best to focus on what I liked, and there was a lot of that. (Also, there be spoilers ahead, so read on at your peril!)

Hands down my favourite thing about this series was Bucky's character arc. Watching him deal, day by day, with what he did as the Winter Soldier, is a level of emotional payoff that's rather rare in movies these days, and it was so very well done. The scene where he finally musters up the guts to tell his old friend what really happened to his son was both painful and freeing in the best way.

I also think the writers nailed his...friendship? Partnership of snark? Weird off-kilter Steve's-best-friends-without-Steve dynamic? with Sam. They don't quite fit together right at the start of the series; you can see that they used to be two sides of a triangle and now the third is missing and they don't work the same way anymore, either as individuals or as soldiers on a mission. For Bucky, I think Steve was his compass in the modern day. He's never really had a chance to just live in the world and get used to it now that he's out of the ice, and now he's missing the person who gave him direction and was his anchor to the past. Meanwhile, to Sam, Bucky is probably still a little bit of the dangerous assassin whose arm they had to stick in a massive vise to keep him from killing them when they broke him out of prison in Berlin. That makes for an uneasy dynamic at the start, to say the least, even leaving out the fact that they're both grieving Steve in their own ways. But over the course of the show they start to be friends in their own right, and work together as a better team, and I love that.

Then there's Zemo. I came in expecting him to be the mysterious, icy, Machiavellian revenge-seeker that we saw in Civil War, and then he shocked me by being honest about his own agenda and intentions at just about every turn, and even coming back to the rescue of our heroes when he didn't have to. He's also visibly a man grieving for his country and his family, mostly without the revenge overtones this time. Watching him interact with kids was especially touching. Long story short, I was a lot more sympathetic to him at the end of this show than I was at the beginning, but without condoning any of his actions in Civil War. This is a sympathetic villain done right. (I also have to say, I find it utterly hilarious how he briefly took on the role of the Tony Stark of the team, being the snarky rich one who can always pull a private plane from somewhere when our heroes need to get from point A to point B.)

Finally, there's John Walker, the perfect soldier. He's very deliberately set up as a foil to Steve Rogers, his predecessor, the good man. And we see Erskine's words of warning beautifully played out in his character arc. Steve was never corrupted by the strength offered by the serum -- as multiple characters point out -- because he was once the weak one, the bullied one, the one who knew pain. Steve knows compassion. Walker has only ever known strength, and that is his downfall, even though he's not, initially, a bad man. In fact, he may not ever be a bad man, but he is a strong man who is given more strength, and then has the kind of emotional breakdown that's very, very dangerous when you're that strong. The kind of thing Steve would have instinctively shied away from because he had been on the receiving end of very similar things once, and seen where they ended. Then Walker gets a kind of, maybe redemption at the very end, and I'm very curious as to where his character goes next.

[irondadfics]

I’m looking for fanfics where Peter is Tony’s biological child and he goes missing/gets kidnapped as a young child. He is raised by someone else and doesn’t know he’s Tony’s son. I’ve already read Lost Boy and Things I Almost Remember on archive of our own and I wanted to find stories with a similar plot.

WHEW! It’s kind of a long list, but we did our best finding several fics that feature both BioDad!Tony and Peter being kidnapped at a very young age. ENJOY!!

PETER IS TONY’S SON BUT THEY WERE SEPARATED WHEN PETER WAS A CHILD REC LIST

Lost Boy by winterda

Isaac Stark disappeared from a crowded park a few months shy of his third birthday. There were never any signs of him, and no arrest were ever made in connection to the case. It was as if the toddler had simply vanished off the face of the earth. Twelve years later, Peter Parker has a really bad day, which only get worse when his prints are put through the system.

Things I Almost Remember by IcedAquarius @icedaquarius31​

Peter's past is not as it appears. It all starts one day with a genetics project and slowly spirals into something Peter never could have imagined.

hydra's not a home by tempestaurora @tempestaurora​

At 6 years old, the son of Tony and Pepper Stark, Peter, is kidnapped, never to be seen again. Or, so they thought. Ten years later, while raiding a HYDRA base, the Avengers come across a new, enhanced individual, working for the enemy: in black spandex, with a tendency to stick to walls and shoot webs from his wrists, the Black Spider is a pain in the ass in more ways than one.

If They Knew All About You by MsHermia

Tony Stark had lost his son when he was only 2 years old, stolen away in broad daylight with nobody the wiser of what exactly happened. Years later, Tony has just made it through the disaster with Ultron. He is trying to keep himself and the team together but relationships are strained and tempers are running high. Then a random turn of events leads to his path crossing with that of a particular vigilante. They are strangers to each other, or so they think.

Peter Parker is on top of the world. After a few shitty years, losing his parents and then losing his Uncle, things are finally looking up. Sure he lives in a crappy little apartment with his Aunt but he might have just found his mission in life.

------

This is an AU story obvious by some of the tags. I'm starting out a few weeks after Age of Ultron took place. Civil War will be a thing. Other than that I'm not too concerned about sticking to every canon detail and storyline.

Finding Their Way Home by ElliahRose

Peter Benjamin-Edward Stark went missing on a Tuesday. For months the entirety of the New York police department, as well as anyone else the Starks could convince to join, searched for the tot. He was only three when he was taken and for four months, two weeks, and four days, Tony Stark and Pepper Stark (nee Potts) worried and fretted over their beloved child.

Peter Benjamin-Edward Stark was murdered on a Friday. A ransom call gone wrong spelt the end of the child’s life. The world grieved as the kidnappers gleefully told the devastated parents they’d find his body in the morning.

They never did.

Twelve years passed and the family was still grieving, and Tony Stark worked tirelessly to find his only child’s killer and gain justice for his son.

Meanwhile Peter Parker was having literally the worst day ever. He just wanted to help make the world a better place, but instead he got stabbed. That's just his luck, isn't it?

missing, presumed dead by hailingstars @hailing-stars

They hadn’t had a funeral for Peter.

There hadn’t been a casket or a service inside a church.

There had been, before Tony decided in his heart that Peter was gone, candlelight vigils and pleas on the media for whoever had taken him to bring him home. Neither of those did any good. Neither of those brought Peter home.

OR

Tony Stark's son gets kidnapped when he's two. Twelve years later he comes back.

I told you to be better (and you became the best) by HaruK

Tony was blessed with a healthy baby boy, and for once in his life, was actually happy. Until everything derailed and he had to send his son away to keep him safe, because those related to the Stark family, one of the worlds biggest and most targeted families in the black market, always end up hurt. With a new name and identity that Tony himself doesn't know, the young baby was wiped off the map, his existence erased, never to be heard of again. . Years later, Anti-hero Iron Man meets a local superhero vigilante and Tony becomes surprisingly close with young Peter Parker.

The Curly-Haired Boy In The Paper by Svn_f1ower @svn-f1ower​

When Tony sees the blurry, grey scale photograph of someone he thought he had lost years ago, he follows the trail to a newspaper company, to a hospital, to an adoption agency, to the police station and finally to May Parker's house.

hold him tight & don’t let go by jessicagoddamnjones @farremoved

Peter Stark went missing when he was four years old.

Eleven years later, he’s found.

Only now he’s Peter Parker by day, Spider-Man by night, and he doesn’t like the idea that his entire life is a lie.

Rise from the Ashes; Just to See You Again by Mintstream @iwritedumbshit​

Tony Stark didn't expect Mary Fitzpatrick, or the news she delivered. He didn't expect that he would become a father, or that he would actually enjoy it. He didn't expect Penny to love him just as fiercely as he did her.

He didn't expect to lose her so soon.

In the wake of the loss of his daughter he tried--tried to do right by her. He became Iron Man, he was an Avenger, he protected his world because he couldn't protect his daughter, but through it all, he hoped to be reunited with his daughter.

He didn't expect to be alive when he was.

AKA the biological daughter kidnapping AU no one asked for. Hope you read, and hope you enjoy.

Updates on Saturdays.

Coming Home by inkinmyheartandonthepage

AU – Peter Stark was kidnapped when he was just three years old. Tony and Pepper never stopped looking for their boy. Years later, Peter finds his way back home.

A Change In What We Knew by Imissyoutoo @imissyoutoo

Tony scoured the floor behind Steve as though his one-year-old son had somehow crawled to him, before finally, he looked up. The realisation dawned on him like an eclipse; the decaying darkness hiding the sun. Hiding his son. Because his boy wasn't there.

”Where is he? Steve? Where's my son Rogers?!” At only a year old, Tony Stark’s son is taken, leaving him shattered. Little does he know, his journey to find what is lost only begins twelve years later. In the most unlikely of places, and all because of two words.

”Hey kid.”

I Found You by honestchick

Tony had a son; he raised him for two years until someone kidnapped him. Tony was devastated and heartbroken. And who would have thought in Starks Expo, he’d be able to see his son once again?

move back home forever by chasingflower @evahmohns

The results say he’s not actually Peter Parker.

They say he’s Peter Stark. You know, the one who’s been missing for 10 years.

Yeah. He knows.

Soon You'll Get Better by lostinmorewaysthan1

Peter Stark was kidnapped. That was all anyone knew. He vanished into thin air, no traces left behind, when he was eight years old.

Six years later, on one of the final raids on the HYDRA bases, they find an enhanced assassin, with super strength and the ability to climb walls. No one imagined that it would be Peter. Least of all Tony.

With no memory and brainwashed by HYDRA, Peter Stark goes home and tries to recover.

Let This Road Be Mine by CommunicationFlail

Ten years ago, five year old Peter Stark disappeared. When the trail went cold, the case was closed. Now new evidence has been brought to light and Tony will stop at nothing to get his son back. No matter how many fakes he has to meet. His son is out there, and he will find him.

Return to me, the one I love so endlessly by SuperHeroTiger @superherotiger

James Edwin Stark was born on the 10th of August 2001, and for the first time in his life, Tony Stark cried tears of joy.

All the fears, all the dread that had once consumed his soul washed away with a single look at the baby’s gentle features, so familiar and yet so distinctly unique at the same time. Tony made many promises that day. Promises to love his son, to protect him, to always be there for him.

On the 10th of August 2002, James Edwin Stark was stolen in the middle of the night, and his father’s world came crashing down. Shattered and alone, Tony whispered the same promise he’d made to his son the day that he was born.

‘…My love for you is endless…’

Fourteen years later, hidden away from the world in a forest of pine, Peter Beck would dream of a day he might get to see the towering city of New York. And when a wounded stranger stumbles onto their property a week out from his birthday claiming to be a famous billionaire from New York, his dream might just come true.

Once Lost Now Found by FreckledAvenger11

Peter Parker was just trying to get used to life without his uncle. He wasn't expecting to find a familiar face in an article about Tony Stark's missing son. Follow Peter on his journey to discover just who he is. Is he Peter Parker? Is he Spider-Man? Or is he someone else entirely? Just who is he and what secrets died along with his parents in that plane crash?

So He Walks The World Alone by Miola014

This is a story 'bout a broken boy With his headphones in just to block out the noise Of everyone around him telling him the way to go So he walks the world alone Wondering if it gets better Or if he's always gonna feel empty forever So he gets lost tryna find another way back home As he walks the world alone

Or

The Kidnapped Peter Stark AU that I promised y'all!

[lets-steal-an-archive]

'Golden Girls' Polishes Its Scripts: Daily Revisions Geared to Sharpen Story and Hone Those Laugh Lines

TRUE OR FALSE:

Actresses Bea Arthur, Estelle Getty, Rue McClanahan and Betty White write their own dialogue for "The Golden Girls." (FALSE)

Older female writers write all 25 episodes each season because no one else could understand the problems of older females. (FALSE)

In order to keep the shows consistent from week to week, one writer prepares all the episodes. (FALSE)

Ten staff writers work together to prepare a season's worth of scripts. (TRUE)

It's a Monday morning in early October and on a sound stage at the small Renmar Studios in Hollywood, the "golden girls" have gathered to read a new script. This will be episode No. 60 of the series and it will air about three weeks later — on Halloween.

Everyone in the room has heard about this week's story line: Rose writes a letter to Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev. But apart from the writers, no one has seen the final script until now. It was completed on a Saturday, photocopied 150 times on Sunday and distributed this morning to NBC; co-producer Touchstone Pictures; the show's creator, Susan Harris; the show's lawyers and researchers, and the "Golden Girls" cast and crew.

"Hopefully, they'll laugh," murmurs head writer Kathy Speer as she prepares to hear the "table reading." "If they don't, we'll be here fixing the script for a long time."

The table reading really is at tables — eight of them arranged in a rectangle. The actresses and guest actors sit on one side, facing the writers. To the actresses' left are director Terry Hughes, executive producers Paul Junger Witt and Tony Thomas and co-executive producers/head writers Speer and Terry Grossman. To the actresses' right sit NBC representatives, the show's casting director and props and wardrobe personnel.

They begin. Director Hughes reads the stage directions: Interior, kitchen — day. Sophia is seated at table. She is reading book entitled 'Magic Made Easy.' Dorothy enters.

Bea Arthur, as Dorothy, reads: "Hi, Ma."

Estelle Getty, as Sophia, reads: "Give me your watch."

Another week is under way. As the actresses go through their lines, everyone else listens intently. They laugh (or don't laugh) and take notes. By the Friday-night tapings, this script will need to play at 22 minutes. But Friday is a long way off.

As soon as the table reading ends, the writers, producers, director and an NBC program executive huddle to discuss script changes. Then, while the actresses begin rehearsals using the first draft, the writers rush off to their yellow stucco two-story building nearby to begin rewriting.

"The secret of TV half-hour comedy shows is the revisions," explains Dean Valentine, NBC director of current comedy and also the program executive on "Golden Girls." "What they start out with is 75% away from what they end up with."

"I don't think this episode is going to need much work," co-head writer Terry Grossman announces cheerfully on his way back to his office. "It got a good response at the table. We just have to cut it, smooth out transitions and clarify some story points. New jokes will be the tough thing." He anticipates a few hours' work.

"Early in the first season we were throwing out whole scenes," he recalls. "Now we know what works for each lady and what she does best. That's the advantage of being in the third year of the show. The disadvantage is that stories are harder to come by."

Grossman heads into the office he shares with his wife Speer, who is also his writing partner. They are in charge of the writing staff. "That means we are the two who get yelled at the most when something goes wrong," he jokes.

Also piling into the conference-sized room are supervising producers Barry Fanaro and Mort Nathan and producer Winifred Hervey. Despite their titles, Grossman explains, "We're all writers."

"We are the five most dull people," Nathan insists.

"We're much funnier on paper," Hervey adds.

These five, all in their 30s, met when they worked on "Benson," an earlier Witt-Thomas-Harris series. They have been with "Golden Girls" since the beginning, and every Monday they jointly rewrite the script being taped that week. They jokingly call themselves The Gang of Five.

While they start rewriting, the show's other five staff writers — Chris Lloyd, Jeff Ferro, Frederic Weiss, Robert Bruce and Martin Weiss — go back to their own offices to work on new scripts.

"To keep quality, you like as many writers as you can afford," Speer explains. "This year, we have six 'entities' (writing teams) — four sets of partners and two individuals. And we also use a few free-lance scripts each season."

Approximately 25% of the show's budget goes to the writers, executive producer Tony Thomas says. Staff writers on a comedy series earn a weekly salary plus separate payments for completed scripts. A free-lance writer who does a story outline, a first draft and a second draft can earn about $11,000. (Note: All outside script submissions must come through agents.)

"A good comedy requires a lot of teamwork, a lot of people sitting in a room working together," Thomas emphasizes. "A good team is rare, but it's not extremely rare. It's like winning the NBA title. We had it in 'Soap,' and we had it for some years in 'Benson.' Obviously this is one of the most successful staffs we’ve ever put together."

Both Witt and Thomas deal with day-to-day details on "Golden Girls." Harris, who created the series, is less involved this season because, according to Thomas, "She is working on a feature for Disney with us. But she reads all the scripts and is familiar with most of the stories."

Flashback to the previous Friday, a week when "Golden Girls" wasn't taping. Every fourth week during the season, the show shuts down, giving the actors and crew a rest and allowing the writers to catch up.

The Gang of Five is trying to explain how their writing process works. They insist on telling, rather than showing, because, as they say, they're shy. "At the beginning of the season, even having our new writers in the meeting made me a little uncomfortable," Grossman admits. "It slowed down the process."

"One of the most important things that exists with this group is that the bottom line is making the show as good as possible. It's still very difficult when your script is read for the first time and the material doesn't work. It hurts for a moment. But there's no time to take it personally. It didn't work, and the clock is ticking. You better keep moving and get it right."

Like all sitcoms, "Golden Girls" has a "bible," a book that synopsizes everything that has happened on a series. Thus, new writers don't have to watch all the previous episodes. But there is no master plan of what will happen in the future.

The idea for "Letter to Gorbachev" surfaced last May at a beginning-of-the-season meeting of the writers and producers. "It was one of 20 or 30 story notions kicked around," Barry Fanaro recalls. The obvious similarity to Samantha Smith's letter to then-Soviet leader Yuri Andropov isn't mentioned.

"Most of them didn't work,” adds Fanaro's writing partner Mort Nathan, "but this one sounded amusing. Because Rose is a childlike character, we wondered what would happen if she wrote a letter to Gorbachev about world peace. We started fleshing it out, but we couldn't think of a second act. We went round and round, and finally six weeks later we came up with a way to make the story work."

"The five of us went over it scene by scene and agreed it was workable," Fanaro continues. "Then Mort and I went off and wrote it. It took about 10 days because we were also working on other things."

Each "Golden Girls” episode is written to a formula: "the idea, the act break and the resolution," Grossman explains. "Usually there's an 'A' story and a 'B' story going. It's the natural structure."

Although Fanaro and Nathan, who won a writing Emmy last year for a "Golden Girls" episode, wrote the basic Gorbachev script, the story the audience will see has gone through the usual "Golden Girls" grinder: The Gang of Five read and dissect the first draft, adding new scenes, new lines, new jokes. "It's really a team effort," Grossman stresses.

The jokes can be the easiest part — or the hardest. "They're only hard to write when you've got one that isn't working," Grossman says. "A joke in the middle of a scene can be weak, but the 'out joke' — a snappy one-liner that ends the scene on a laugh — has to be strong."

"We may decide a scene needs a new opening," Speer explains. "There will be a long moment of silence. Then someone will ask if anybody's eaten at some new restaurant. In the course of conversation, somebody will say, 'Wait a minute. I have an idea.'"

"With five of us, at least one of us is paying attention," Hervey deadpans.

"Good writers should be able to write for men, women, old or young," Grossman says. "We all draw on other people in our lives — parents, grandparents. Part of the reason for the show's popularity is that these are very vital people. The very same story you've seen 100 times on every sitcom takes on new light with characters in this age group. That makes life easier for us.

"Also, these four actresses are sensational. To have the entire cast be able to give such high-caliber performances means you don't have to adjust your material. You write the material, and they deliver. If they can't make it work, there's something wrong with the material."

The week goes by quickly. On Tuesday morning, the "golden girls" read over the revised script and discover that one scene has changed considerably. Some lines have been cut, while others have been sharpened. There are several new jokes. A press conference scene has been shifted from a hotel room to the ladies' living room.

On Tuesday night, the Gang of Five works late. During the day's rehearsals they realized that the revised scene didn’t play well so they jettisoned it and added some new dialogue and a few more jokes.

Following Wednesday's rehearsals, they hone the script a little more. Time is pressing. By the Thursday afternoon dress rehearsal, the actresses try to be script-perfect, although they often aren't. By now, the original 52-page script has been reduced to 50 pages, and almost every page has had at least one alteration.

For instance, on Monday when Blanche accidentally spat Coca-Cola on a Soviet Embassy official, he responded by saying, "No apology necessary." Now he says, "No need to apologize. In Moscow, we have to stand in line four hours to get this."

Late Friday afternoon, the audience files into Renmar Studios to watch the first taping. The writers are standing by, just in case a last-minute problem occurs. During the 90-minute dinner break, while a new audience is arriving, the cast, writers and producers calmly discuss how to improve the second taping. A few lines are cut, the taping is completed, and it’s on to the next week.

Source: Mills, Nancy. 1987. 'Golden Girls' Polishes Its Scripts: Daily Revisions Geared to Sharpen Story and Hone Those Laugh Lines. Los Angeles Times, October 30, https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1987-10-30-ca-11702-story.html

[gingeraleluke]

Hi 👋🏻 I want to participate in the SWEET SIXTEEN I'm an Aquarius (all my big 3 are in Aquarius) my celebrity crushes are Harry Styles, Dylan O'brien, and Tom Holland (occasionally i switch Tom with Timothée Chalamet)

And if you can do MASH as well that'll be great! If not I totally understand!!

Fandom would be avengers or That’s 70s show! Tysm!

𝗦𝗪𝗘𝗘𝗧 𝗦𝗜𝗫𝗧𝗘𝗘𝗡:

𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑡𝑜𝑚 ℎ𝑜𝑙𝑙𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑚𝑜𝑠𝑡 𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑝𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑏𝑙𝑒!

i wrote about tom holland dating an aquarius already here!

most to least compatible:

tom>harry>dylan>timothée

𝗠 • 𝗔 • 𝗦 • 𝗛 : 𝐴𝑉𝐸𝑁𝐺𝐸𝑅𝑆

cw//death LMFAO SORRY

you had been wanted by every criminal and were plastered on televisions everywhere.

even though you didn’t do anything, you were caught shapeshifting on camera and everyone, including tony stark, wanted to find you.

you dyed your hair a bright red to try and disguise yourself, but your multiple tattoos made you a target.

natasha found you after getting a lead from tony about a young individual with superpowers.

she took you to the stark tower where you were introduced to everyone.

they needed your help to fight ultron and you obliged.

after killing ultron, tony wouldn’t let you leave.

you were pissed and hated everyone in that tower except for nat.

natasha walked in on you crying about how you wanted to just go home and how you didn’t do anything wrong.

she stated that you were much more special than you thought and that you would be more useful with them, saving people.

the whole thing was just sketchy to you, but nat made you want to stay.

whenever dinner was ready, she would bring it to your room and the two of you would eat together.

one time, steve joined and the three of you ate tacos and gossiped.

you and steve became close too.

thor seemed nice as well, but you two didn’t really ever see each other.

when steve and tony were at war, tony wanted you on his team but you escaped to join steve.

basically, you have bad blood with every member of tony’s side.

when natasha didn’t side with steve, it was really difficult.

especially when you had to fight her.

clint, bucky, and sam were partners with you so you guys are all somewhat friends.

after the fight, you and nat were good as new.

when the news about thanos started, you accompanied them to space before going off with natasha and clint.

the three of you were in vormir, in search for the soul stone.

when realizing that someone had to die, the three of you immediately broke out into battle.

clint ended up getting knocked out by you, which left you and natasha to fight.

you shapeshifted into the hulk, gaining his strength, and threw her as far as you could, before shifting back and running off of the cliff.

she almost caught you, her fingertips touching yours as you fell without another word.

they got the soul stone and you died before you could get along with tony

𝗠 • 𝗔 • 𝗦 • 𝗛 : 𝑇𝐻𝐴𝑇 70’𝑆 𝑆𝐻𝑂𝑊

you are one of jackie’s distant cousins and grew up together.

once she started highschool, you ended up moving back to point place and moving in to her house.

she was ecstatic to see you and you both rekindled your old friendship.

she introduced you to everyone and they couldn’t believe that you were her cousin.

sure, you guys dressed the same and had the same style, but your personalities were far different.

you are super sweet and nice to everyone (unlike jackie).

but….. you do love a good burn.

you are constantly switching up your hairstyles and trying new makeup looks.

you and donna got along really well and she became a good friend of yours.

you, jackie, and donna all going to concerts together.

having girls night and gossiping about the boys.

you and kelso hit it off too, but you cut it off after hearing what he did to jackie.

jackie could tell that you really liked him, though, and insisted that it was fine since she moved on and began dating hyde.

so, you went out with kelso.

it was wayyy better than you expected.

you love writing stories and reading them to him and fez.

whenever you go out in public with them, people are always surprised that you are friends with them.

you definitely stand out and seem like a goody two shoes.

when you and jackie needed a place to stay, you both moved into the foreman’s.

but after getting sick of sharing a room with her, you ended up getting an apartment with kelso.

dating kelso means dress up parties.

doing his makeup>>

jackie goes on about having a double wedding with her and hyde and you and kelso.

and then donna interrupts her with ‘what about me and eric?’

‘oh, you guys are still together?’

donna tends to get jealous when you spend too much time with him.

especially when you guys are playing basketball and a shirtless michael kelso comes out of nowhere.

burning everyone to break the ice.

and getting high fives from hyde and kisses from kelso when the burn is good.

[babyjakes]

forever and a day | 3. whatever it takes.

〈 disclaimer: this blog posts content not suitable for individuals under the age of 18. minors are strictly prohibited from viewing, sharing, or interacting with this blog. for more information on this blog's commitment to protecting minors, read our full statement here. 〉

← last chapter | series masterlist | next chapter →

summary | a story in which america’s favorite captain gives a new life and family to a five-year-old girl who has suffered well beyond her years at the hands of hydra.

characters | dad!steve rogers, girl/willa rogers (original character)

warnings | AU similar enough to OU to include spoilers to many Marvel movies (Age of Ultron and beyond). mature themes related to child abuse/neglect, mentions of past CSA, medical abuse, ptsd/trauma symptoms in a child (developmental discrepancies, de-humanized behavior, detachment, extreme fears). somewhat evil!Tony Stark (eventually)

[Steve]

As time seems to drag by barely by the minutes, I sit silently in the grey-walled room, listening to the low hum of the ship’s engine and the sound of Girl breathing. Glancing at the clock, I note that she’s been asleep for almost an hour. When she first drifted off, she would squirm around every few moments, her eyelids fluttering ever so slightly and soft whimpers escaping her lips. But now, she’s settled down enough so that I feel comfortable sitting at her bedside in a wide but firm cushioned armchair, waiting. The flight back to New York will be another several hours. I wonder how long Girl will be able to sleep through it.

More time passes, another hour, then two. Nothing changes, and it doesn’t even feel like time is passing by at all. Occasionally, I start to think that I should go out into the other room and at least alert the others that Girl is sleeping, and that I promised I would stay here. But I know that I can’t. She could wake up in the slim gap while I was away; it would be just my luck. And I can’t risk breaking a pinky promise to her. I have a feeling they’re going to be really important in the future between us.

A soft knock on the metal door breaks my train of thought. I look over to see Tony walking in. He’s changed into a pair of dark grey pants and a black short-sleeved shirt. He looks tired; he looks like hell. He looks way too exhausted for the simple mission we just endured. But I know it’s all because of the emotional impact. This kind of job will do that to him, to me, to anybody. Everyone underestimates the power of emotions.

Tony glances at the small sleeping girl, then at me. He walks over, allowing the door to close gently behind him, and pulls the other armchair over beside me. He takes a seat on the edge of the cushion, his elbows falling to rest on his knees. Cupping his face in his hands, he sucks in a breath. Then, he looks back up at me, and I almost think I see tears in his eyes.

“Hey Cap,” he says softly, barely above a whisper. At this point, Girl’s knocked out so hard that I’m not worried his quiet voice will wake her. He takes another deep breath, sighing. “How… how are things?”

Leaning back slightly, I look over at the little girl strapped down and sleeping on the bed. Her long brown hair is strewn out every which way from her head, her chest rising and falling gently. She looks much better, much less afraid and in pain while sleeping. “She’s alright,” I say after a pause, knowing he’ll understand that ‘alright’ means something very unique in this circumstance. “She was able to fall asleep without any medication, which is a good sign. I was afraid Bruce would want to sedate her. I don’t think that would’ve gone over well.” Tony nods, then shakes his head in disbelief.

“I know… that Hydra is awful,” he begins. Lifting his head slightly off of resting on his hands, he folds them out in front of him. “We all know Hydra is awful. Everyone knows that. And… and I always thought that no matter what, I would be able to handle what I saw when it came to… you know. The experiments. I thought… I even thought some of the things we had seen before were the worst it could get. But I…” He turns away slightly, and I see a tear trailing down his cheek. My gaze softens as I understand exactly how he’s feeling. “Nothing could have prepared me for something like this.”

“I can’t imagine going through what she went through with Hydra at an age like that,” I state coldly, almost in pure disbelief that anyone could be so cruel, so evil.

“She’s five,”Tony says, looking up at me. My heart sinks in my chest, my shoulders slouching ever so slightly. “We’ve been gathering as much information as possible,” he adds. “I came to tell you about what I- about what we learned. But I don’t know, Cap… the stuff’s horrific.” I nod, feeling slightly numb everywhere. “I know it’s important for you to know, so I’m gonna tell you, just… I wanted to warn you, first.”

“Thanks,” I say roughly, looking down at the floor.

I hear Tony take a few moments to breathe. Then, I hear him shifting in his chair. And then, finally, he speaks again.

“She was in captivity for… for all of her life,” he begins. “Hydra captured a young woman when she was pregnant with Girl, and as a baby, she was immediately separated from her mother and raised in isolation. Bruce said that made things particularly difficult for her because she was probably never able to develop emotionally or socially due to her lack of attachment and nurturing.” I nod, my hands growing stiff on the armrests of the chair. “Girl’s mother had healing abilities just like her, but unfortunately she died shortly after delivering. Apparently, Girl’s powers are stronger than anything Hydra’s ever seen. She can heal any wound or injury, but only on others. And when she does, she…” He pauses and I look over at him, seeing that his eyes have glossed over, simply staring in the general direction of the child. “…she takes on the pain herself. She absorbs it; it’s seemingly excruciating. We scanned through some of the files we recovered from the database and there were plenty of trial summaries that detailed her suffering, stuff like absorbing stab wounds, broken bones, cut off limbs, and even worse. Sometimes she would become sick or wet herself due to the pain. Other times she would pass out entirely. The notes detailed Hydra’s displeasure with her for simply crying or begging for it to stop; she was put through regular correctional sessions until she became compliant.” Tony’s voice cracks, and I see more tears falling from his eyes. With a dull ache, I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. “The videos and audiotapes of what she was put through, Steve- I… I’ve never heard such horrific sounds in my life.”

"Is she able to bring people back from the dead?” I ask hesitantly. He nods. “How does that work? If she did, then… wouldn’t she die as a result?”

He shakes his head. “It’s complicated, even I don’t totally understand it,” he explains, “but essentially, when she’s forced to revive someone, it throws her into what they called a 'state of pain-induced comatose.” I flinch, feeling anger boiling up inside of me. “It would paralyze her for days, sometimes even weeks at a time. It would mess up her head, too. Parts of her memory and mental functioning would just entirely collapse.”

“How does she heal, do we know? What’s the science behind it?”

“Bruce is starting to try to untangle all of that right now; all we could gather from what we read is that her body has to enter a phase of ‘total equilibrium.’ She has the power to make her body enter a state like that, but Hydra also came up with a serum they injected her with to shift her levels all to equal.” That’s what she must have meant by shifting, I think to myself. Nodding, I wait for him to continue. “Then, all she has to do is come in contact with the person. If she touches them, or if they touch her, their physical ailment will be transferred automatically.”

“I guess that can explain why she’s so afraid of touch,” I say.

Tony nods, but then adds, “We also have to take into consideration the horrific abuse she’s been through. There are records of every 'correctional’ session she’s been put through. Beating, whipping, cutting, complete and total brutalization. They did it all, Steve,” he says sadly. I shake my head, not knowing what to say.

“Poor thing,” I murmur, my heart breaking for her all over again.

“I should also tell you, Cap, she has a particular fear of men,” he says lowly. My body lights up with dread and rage as I close my eyes, squeezing the bridge of my nose.

“Why?” I ask, not wanting to know the response.

“Besides using her to heal, Hydra had one other goal in mind. They wanted more of her. They wanted healers they could send all over, wherever they would need them. Of course, the kid is only five, so there’s not much of a chance she could create offspring of her own. But that…” he chokes on a sob, and I open my eyes, looking at him, totally in shock from what I’m hearing. “…that didn’t stop them from trying.”

“They raped her?” I ask angrily, my voice becoming slightly louder, and Tony shushes me quickly.

“It didn’t say anywhere specifically that they-… there wasn’t any mention of actual-… b-but there were records of…” his voice trails off and he looks defeated, like he’s unable to continue. “There were records of her being… violated medically, in an experimental setting. Attempts to take her anatomy and recreate it, none of which worked. In the end, we can’t know for sure what all happened, Steve.”

I close my eyes again, shaking my head in anger and disbelief.

“Nat threw up when we found out,” Tony whispers. “Even Thor could sense the severity of the situation. None of this is good, Cap. She’s been through hell and-”

“And what?” I snap. “What on earth are we supposed to do about it? Her mother’s dead, right? And she’s been in captivity since birth, so she has no one else. What the hell are we going to-”

I stop, and suddenly, I feel my heart beating forcefully in my chest. And while it’s escalated in pace, it’s still there; it’s strong, it’s unfaltering. Taking a deep breath, I open my eyes and looking at the sleeping girl in the bed.

“She’s staying with us,” I state firmly, not an ounce of me willing to ask for anyone else’s approval.

There’s a pause, and then finally Tony says, “Okay, alright. She’s staying with us.”

“In the Avenger’s Tower. And we’re going to help her. All of us. You, me, Bruce, everyone.”

“That’s right,” Tony agrees, his gaze meeting mine. Beyond the devastation in his eyes, I can see something more settled in the deep brown.

“She’s going to be okay,” I whisper. “We’re going to help her be okay.”

“Alright Rogers,” Tony replies with a nod. “Whatever it takes.”

← last chapter | series masterlist | next chapter →

[mrepstein]

The Beatles Book Monthly (No. 5, December 1963)

‘A TALE OF FOUR BEATLES’ by Billy Shepherd

PART IV (PART I // PART II // PART III)

Part IV opens in June, 1961 and charts Brian Epstein's early involvement with the Beatles.

And so the Beatles, with two experience-garnering trips to Germany behind them, got back to Liverpool. A swingin’ scene... and they were very much a part of it. It was the end of June, 1961.

But though they liked having more money to spend, they hadn’t the foggiest idea of just how much they were worth. The offers came in. Anything between £6 and £14 was the pay-packet, to be shared between Messrs. Lennon, McCartney, Harrison and drummer Pete Best.

“We just didn’t know,” admits George. “We loved the work, the excitement. We didn’t realise we were often being exploited. But it was hard work and somehow we didn’t seem to have much money in the kitty after we’d kept our equipment up to scratch...”

July, 1961, could go down as a summit meeting in Merseybeat history. A steamy, summery, shimmery night at Litherland Town Hall. A young promoter named Brian Kelly announced his attraction: The Beatmakers.

George Harrison was on lead guitar. Paul McCartney on rhythm. John Lennon on piano. Drummers were Pete Best and Freddie Marsden. Les Maguire operated on saxophone, Les Chadwick on bass guitar - and Gerry Marsden nipped on and off behind a big grin to take the vocals.

Gerry and the Pacemakers and the Beatles had linked up. For one night only and for a fee which is the smallest fraction of what they’d command for such a show now.

It led to friendships between the group members... but it didn’t seem to be leading to that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for the Beatles.

Says John: “We went on knocking ourselves out night after night but somehow there was a bit of frustration creeping in to it all. It didn’t seem to be leading anywhere.”

But the audiences were greatly appreciative.

Says Paul: “We started accepting dates further south. We got pretty near London on some of them. No change of material for us - still the stuff that went down so well in Germany. But we were veering away from the leather gear. Don’t make this sound big-headed, but the fact is that a lot of other groups were copying the way we looked on stage. So we changed to more ordinary clothes for a while.”

But in September, depression set in. Paul and John took themselves off to Paris for a holiday. They remember being flat broke. Remember having to search through every pocket to rake up enough francs for a Coke. Now, of course, they can go where they please and not count the cost.

And George and Pete stayed on in Liverpool, virtually lost to the Beat scene. Ray McFall, owner of the Cavern Club remembers seeing Messrs. Harrison and Best around the lunch-time sessions but they seemed dispirited. They took a lot of persuading even to join in on the impromptu roar-ups.

Let well-known Liverpool show compere Bob Wooler fill in the background to this black spot in the Beatles’ history.

“I’ve known the boys since the early days. I’ve been a long-time admirer. What they really needed was a manager in those far-off days. They seemed content not to argue about the fees they were offered. And they didn’t seem to realise that they were pulling in crowds on the strength of their own name and performance.

“After all, they had to live. They had to look after their equipment - and they often had travelling expenses to pay. It’s all very well being popular and enjoying your work, but you should be paid what you’re worth as well.

“Ray McFall at the Cavern was different. If the crowd was good, he upped the fee. That’s why the boys have always been so loyal to the Cavern. But you can understand them being puzzled at the lack of hard cash from their other venues where they were so often doubling the attendances.”

Paul and John were meanwhile spending a lot of time on their song-writing. You’ll see how much they’d already achieved in this direction as the story pushes on to the first recording days.

John and Paul could never sit down and simply write a song to order. They admit: “We have to wait for the ideas to arrive. It can happen anywhere. On a bus, or a train, or backstage at a dance-hall or theatre. Sometimes the title suggests itself first. Then we get going on the words and music. Sometimes we’ve finished a very successful seller in less than an hour.”

But their most pressing need was for a manager. Paul has told me “When we first started on paid jobs, we honestly thought we weren’t manageable. We thought nobody would want to bother with us. We were a pretty off-beat bunch of characters, to say the least. And we had a sense of humour which somehow involved us all and which was hardly in the interests of discipline. So, for a long time, we just didn’t take any notice of the advice that we should be properly handled. ‘Who’d WANT US,’ was the way we thought...

“And that’s where we were wrong...”

A MANAGER. Liverpool man Allan Williams took on the chore for a while... he now runs the Blue Angel Club on Merseyside.

But the man who was to make show business history with the Beatles knew nothing about the group in that September of 1961. That man, of course, was Brian Epstein, one-time drama student, member of a family which owned a chain of furniture and radio-TV stores in Liverpool.

He was not exactly WITH the beat scene. But he WAS in touch with the public taste through his work in the record department of the stores. He’d been there for five years, building up the business, enlarging the staff roster and increasing the turnover.

And in September, 1961, he was a puzzled man. Fans kept approaching him with: “Have you any records by the Beatles?” Brian mused. Pondered. Wondered. One young lad was particularly persistent in his demands. Brian dug deep into the record-lists. And found reference to that “My Bonnie” single, recorded in Germany, on which the Beatles played a strictly supporting role to guitar-star Tony Sheridan.

“I became Beatle-conscious for a while,” he says. “I always tried to work on the theory that the customer was right - and if they wanted the Beatles, well... I’d do my best to supply the Beatles. Eventually I traced the source and ordered some 200 copies for the record-stores. They sold quickly...

“Then out of the blue I heard they were Liverpool boys, had a rapidly-growing following - and were actually playing in a club near the store. It was a place that I’m sure I’d visited before, a sort of teenage gathering-place, but I really didn’t know much about it.

“After a while, I thought I’d better pop down there and see what all the fuss was about.”

Brian Epstein went to the Cavern. Met the Beatles. And things really started happening for the ambitious but not-too-sure group.

There are two ways of looking at this near-historic meeting. Brian Epstein’s. And the Beatles’ viewpoint.

Beatles first. Said George: “He started talking to us about the record that had created the demand. We didn’t know much about him but he seemed very interested in us and also a little bit baffled.

“He came back several times and talked to us. It seemed there was something he wanted to say, but he wouldn’t come out with it. He just kind of watched us and studied what we were doing. One day, he took us to the store and introduced us. We thought he looked rather red and embarrassed about it all.

“Eventually, he started talking about becoming our manager. Well, we hadn’t really had anybody actually VOLUNTEER in that sense. At the same time, he was very honest about it all - you know, like saying he didn’t really know anything about managing a group like us. He sort of hinted that he was keen if we’d go along with him...”

Brian, quite honestly, thought that the Beatles looked a mess. He wondered what exactly they thought they were trying to be. Their strange jackets, the rather scruffy jeans, the hair-styles, which could only have been styled on something called “chaos.”

“But there was something enormously attractive about them,” he recalls. “I liked the way they worked and the obvious enthusiasm they put into their numbers. People talk about the Liverpool sound but I sometimes wonder what exactly they mean. These boys put everything into their routines but they didn’t use echo. That struck me as being a very good thing.

“It was the boys themselves, though, who really swung it. Each had something which I could see would be highly commercial if only someone could push it to the top. They were DIFFERENT characters but they were so obviously part of the whole. Quite frankly, I was excited about their prospects, provided some things could be changed.”

And Brian told his friends: “This could easily turn out to be the biggest show business attraction since Elvis Presley.” It’s a tribute to his foresight and intuition that that is precisely what has happened.

Brian decided to get the boys together at a round-table conference at his store. A time was fixed and the boys agreed. But Beatles are not always the easiest of people to organise. Brian sat waiting... and waiting... and waiting. He was trying to cope with the vastly complex figures of Christmas orders for the store and minutes were precious to him.

Eventually THREE Beatles arrived. George, John and Pete. No Paul. Story goes that Brian got George to ring through and see what had happened to the left-handed guitar-star. And that Paul admitted he was still in the bath... but wouldn’t be long!

Brian was rather on his high-horse. He felt it was not the right thing for someone who wanted to talk business to be kept waiting. He pointed out that Paul, the cherubic one of the four, would be extremely late. “Yes,” said George, forcing back a grin. “But he’ll also be extremely clean.”

Says Brian: “That sense of humour is invaluable. You could hardly feel annoyed at their lack of business ability. They were just four individual and off-beat characters.”

Prior to Brian taking such an interest, there was great concern among Cavern people that there was a chance of the Beatles packing in all thoughts of show business careers. Bob Wooler had tried hard to get BBC television producer Jack Good interested in the group. Jack had produced beat shows, like “Six-Five Special” which had been the stepping-stone to success for artistes like Cliff Richard. But Jack was also in demand in the States... and he’d gone there to further his own career long before Bob could get any decision from the telly-folk.

Brian, having eventually assembled all four Beatles in the same room, put his propositions to them. He went through a process of brain-washing, though he did it all very tactfully. He didn’t like their manner of dress. Wasn’t knocked out by the unruly hair-cuts. Was singularly unimpressed by the way they casually drank tea on stage while in the middle of shows.

He pleaded with them rather than ordered them. He knew they were a valuable property and he was knocked out at the way their personal following was growing through the Merseyside area.

Said John: “He’d tell us that jeans were not particularity smart and could we possibly manage to wear PROPER trousers. But he didn’t want us suddenly looking square. He let us have our own sense of individuality.”

He added: “We respected his views. We stopped champing at cheese rolls and jam butties on stage. We paid a lot more attention to what we were doing. Did our best to be on time. And we smartened up, in the sense that we wore suits instead of any sloppy old clothes.”

It was a master-plan. A long-term plan if necessary but it was aimed at making the most of four young men who clearly had that star quality in them... even though a recording contract was still more than nine months away.

Obviously, Brian Epstein’s main job was to get the group on record. He knew the strength of their popularity in Liverpool and he felt it wouldn’t be a hard job to interest some of the London companies. But that was where Brian was wrong.

He even delayed any sort of action until the results of the 1961 “Mersey Beat Poll” were announced. That came up at the end of the year. And the Beatles were high and dry in top place in this important survey of how the public felt about the myriad groups operating in the scene. Said Brian: “I thought this was the ‘Open Sesame’ to the recording scene. I felt that Liverpool was important enough to have London executives falling about to sign the boys. I was wrong...”

Brian, though technically still in charge of important parts of the family business, threw himself into the job of getting the Beatles known nationally. He had the backing of the Beatles’ parents and it was to be no holds barred for the major break through.

He started visiting London. Hopefully. Optimistically. But record executives showed an alarming tendency to register non-committal gloom. Brian had to keep reporting apparent failure to the boys - by now riding higher than ever in popular acclaim in Liverpool.

Cont’d next month in No. 6