#at no point am i going to put effort to make these memes with all the pictures the same size i think the low quality adds to it

[jianghushenanigans]

mysterious coffee casebook

[smuttysabina]

When Editing Goes Wrong

(Pokimane's Editor (You) x Pokimane, 3.3k Words) Tags: Excessive masturbation, gooning, sex surprisingly enough, anal sex, oral sex, foot sex, butt sex, obsessive behavior, a stunningly brave tale about the perils of editing for your masturbation material, absolutely degenerate behavior all around, also like damn dude you really couldn't resist telling her huh? Current events, breeding

You had done it, you had acquired your dream job, being the video editor for your favorite streamer; there was just one small problem, an afterthought really, an understatement. You were totally and utterly addicted to every inch of Pokimane's body. Her luscious hair, her gorgeous eyes, her perky lips, her smooth skin, her bodacious breasts, her toned arms, her delicate hands, her smooth stomach, her shapely hips, her puffy mound, her thick thighs, her tempting feet, so perfectly shaped and formed and begging to be licked- Oh dear, you did it again, another hour gone and several tissues filled. You were supposed to be taking Poki's raw, uncut footage and removing all the parts those filthy gooners would enjoy too much, obviously some slightly erotic shots would be left in to titillate them, but not enough to make her haters online accuse her of being a slutty tease. The issue was that there was simply too much delicious content to sort through, and you were unable to resist slamming your meat for hours on end to all of the content she was sending you. You would hump your hand for hours on end to your own private compilations of lewd moments, groaning Pokimane's name as you worshipped her in the only way you knew how. Of course, this made getting videos and vlogs out on time somewhat difficult, since editing actually public-friendly videos did in fact take some time, so things were getting to the point where you might have to start asking for extensions...

You sweat nervously as you hurriedly type out a message to Poki, explaining to her that you would be unable to get her video out this week, that you had hit some unexpected snags while cutting down her content. Nothing to be worried about of course, just a normal hazard of splicing together all of those disparate clips, you should have the vlog out in time by next week, for sure! Your typing is made a touch more difficult by the fact that you were doing so one-handed, even messaging your goddess got you all worked up. Her response of course, is as kindly and supportive as always, "No worries, these things do happen! I am looking forward to receiving the vlog by Wednesday of next week." Next Wednesday? You look at your calendar and groan in despair, it was going to be hard to fit editing time into your schedule with all the gooning you had been planning on doing... But you managed it, somehow. The thought of disappointing your goddess, as arousing as that was, had goaded you into putting the effort in, and you had made what you knew was a masterpiece. You smile proudly as you send the vlog to Poki, you were sure her fans would love it, and they did! "Good job on that last video Editor, that extra time sure helped, didn't it?" Your goddess praises you, so of course you have to hump your hand in celebration, you finish several times to that simple sentence.

The next few weeks pass by without much incident, with you throwing together videos in time for the deadline while still blasting rope to Pokimane constantly. Your videos had been doing extremely well judging by the viewer-count, your subtle blend of inside jokes and community memes with vaguely provocative shots had been largely popular with the fanbase. Of course, you kept the most delectable cuts to yourself, so while those degenerate coomers online were filling their pants to some risque stills, you were pumping furiously to the good stuff. The editing for the upcoming week's video was running into some blockages however, since for whatever sadistic reason Poki had chosen to include almost half an hour's worth of video pointed down at her bare feet as she wanders around her apartment chattering away. You had been unable to resist such potent stimulation, and had been beating your meat almost continuously to her feet. So lost in your lusts were you, that when Poki messages you, you feel inclined to answer honestly, "What's the hold up on next week's video? Its almost Sunday and I haven't gotten it yet?" Your orgasm-fried brain misfires as you try to conceive an excuse, but the thought of telling her the truth is simply too exciting to resist. So you tell Poki that you had been too busy blasting rope to her perfect feet, pumping and edging to her delicate toes and smooth soles so much that you were unable to fit in any editing. You climax when you hit send, obliterating several tissues as you end your hours-long session with a catastrophic orgasm; then of course you realize what you had done, and start panicking. Not that you should have worried though, as Poki swiftly responds, "Understandable, but please try to stop jacking off long enough to do your job." Suitably chastened, you comply; but not before squeezing another fap in.

Over the next month, you start to notice a subtle change in the content Pokimane sends you. Whereas before the more sensual shots would go by swiftly, now she seemed to... linger a bit on certain areas. Normal people would not have perceived this development, but as someone who had spent the past year consuming endless hours of her content, it was obvious. Poki would now spend on average an extra second giving you a view down her bodice, show off her meaty ass for just a little longer, playfully flex her toes before moving onto something else. Of course, you react to this novel situation by offering her with yet more of your seed, while still barely managing to get a video out on time every week. Editors truly have it rough!

Then it happened. In the middle of a vlog about household products, Poki was busy blathering about her automatic cat feeder when she suddenly pauses and stares at the camera. "I know you're watching, Editor. I just wanted to give you a special thank you for all of your hard work." Then she pulls up her shirt to reveal her breasts, wiggles them around, before yanking it back down again and continuing her spiel where she had left off. You gawp in absolute shock, sure that your mind had been playing tricks on you, that your fantasies had bled into real life, that this was actually just a surprisingly accurate wet dream. But no, as you rewind and replay the section, Pokimane had in fact flashed you, she had shown you her slightly tan breasts, each perky while still carrying some heft, graced with a dark-brown nipple upon a wide areola. Your response is entirely predictable, you pound your fleshlight for an entire day straight, not even stopping for food or rest as you honor your goddess's bountiful blessing. When you collapse, it is only from sheer exhaustion, your body and balls utterly drained by the sight of Pokimane's boobs. Upon awakening, you discover that a large amount of time had passed, and that you had a minimal amount of time to complete your deadline. Working like a man possessed, you furiously throw together a video, not even touching yourself once where before you would have savored every tantalizing moment. Through some holy miracle, you are able to send Poki the week's video on time, a feat that she seems suitably impressed by, "I thought you would have to be late again this week, good job Editor."

The next week's content is lacking in such stimulation however, simply a return to Pokimane's usual slight teasing, which still excites you, but leaves you yearning for more. Which was no doubt her intent, because in her next footage, she abruptly turns around, bends over, and pulls down her pants. The mere sight of Poki's monolithic ass in the nude has you painting the underside of your desk before you can fully process what you are seeing. Her fat cheeks wobble provocatively before she languidly reaches back and spreads them and reveals her glistening slit- By the time you have regained control of yourself, you are literally covered in cum, and far, far past your deadline. Panicking, you open your messages and hurriedly inform her that this week's vlog would be delayed due to a medical emergency you had to deal with; yes indeed your health had truly been threatened by what you had seen! Pokimane's response seems amused, "Don't lie to me Editor, you were too busy blasting rope to my ass, admit it." Moaning, you have no choice but to agree with her, informing your goddess that you had been unable to resist relentlessly pleasuring yourself to her; begging her for forgiveness, "It's fine, just be sure to have two videos done by the end of this week, or I'll have to find a new editor, got it?" The mere thought of being cut off by your queen has you in shambles, and you grovelingly assure Poki that her will would be done.

Through a herculean effort, you manage to complete your task, sending two videos of the highest quality to Poki, "Good job, I'm impressed! Next week I will not be posting though, so enjoy your time off." Most employees would celebrate having an entire week off, but being denied fresh content has left you morose; no matter, you still needed to enjoy her last gifts to the fullest. Then a notification pops up that you had received the usual weekly content file from Pokimane, and curious, you open it. Inside there is only one file, an hour long titled: 'For My Editor'. Thoroughly intrigued, and not a little excited, you start to watch it. The video starts with Poke modeling in a sleek black dress, nothing unusual there, as she poses and shows off her angles until she pauses and looks into the camera, "Hello Editor, after working so hard last week, I decided to help you get through this one." Whereupon she confidently pulls her dress over her head and tosses it aside, revealing her voluptuous body to you in all its glory. Pokimane leans forward, cupping her breasts with an arm while making slow stroking motions with her other hand, "Jack off for me, Editor. Pump, pump, pump," she growls huskily. Then she explores her body for you, fondling her weighty breasts, running her hands down her fertile tummy, teasingly rubbing her slit, turning around so that she can show you how heavy her ass is as she bounces it with her hands. All the while she encourages you to pleasure yourself to her, motioning with her hand for you to masturbate, "Edge for me Editor, I want you all worked up for the real show..." Poki opens her mouth and sticks out her tongue, rolling her eyes back in a perfect ahegao face for a full minute before ending with a devilish smirk. Her teasing grows ever more obscene as her own arousal heightens, "Imagine how wet my mouth would be wrapped around your cock, how soft my boobs would be, how tight my ass would be, how breedable my pussy is..." She moans ecstatically, her fingers squishing against her lower lips as she masturbates, as she angles the camera downwards towards the floor. Poki crouches in front of it, breathing heavily, her face flushed, "How would you take me, Editor?" She gets on her back, spreading her legs for you so that you can see just how sopping wet her pussy is, how it would be to pump between her meaty thighs, "Missionary?" Before rolling over and hoisting her thick ass in the air, pressing her chest against the ground to show you her sensual arch, "Doggy?" She gets up onto her knees and turns around, lustfully humping their air while groping herself and licking her lips, "Or would I need to put all the work in?" Poki leans forward, purring, "I want you to fuck me, Editor. I want every last drop of your cum, understood?" Wet slopping noises grew louder as her face became more and more red, as she nods encouragingly as the camera, "Do it, now. Cum for me, Editor. Cum in me!" Then Pokimane lets out a little gasp before moaning unashamedly, her eyes rolling back as she climaxes right in front of the lens, shuddering with pleasure until it is over. She sighs sensually, "Enjoy your week off..." before giving you a wink and ending the video. Needless to say, you did not get much done that week.

Or the next week for that matter, so busy were you blasting fat reams of jizz to your Goddess's instructions; so lost in an endless cycle of cumming for Pokimane that you only stopped when she messaged you again, "I guess you've been too busy stroking for me to get any work done, so here's a little incentive for you. Finish a video, and I'll give you an hour of my time, deal?" Of course, you had no choice but to obey, even with images of your queen's naked body prancing through your addled brain, you still managed to pump out a video in a reasonable amount of time; as well as an unreasonable amount of loads. A few hours after sending the video, you hear a knock on your apartment door, and more than a little annoyed at being interrupted while worshipping your goddess, you go to open it. Imagine your shock then when you find Pokimane on the other side of it, wearing a sleek outfit of deep red, dolled up to perfection. Pushing past your gawping form, she stalks inside, wrinkling her nose at the stench of semen she plops herself on your much-stained bed before licking her lips and giving you an expecting look, "Well? You have an hour, how would you like to fuck me?" You let out a piteous groan as you shamble forward, your cock already bulging and dripping, your mind unable to believe that your goddess is before you, but your body knows what to do. You dreamily turn her around and pull down her panties, humping Poki's fat ass as she amusingly informs you to go in raw, "After all, I am on birth control, and I doubt I have to worry about any STDs..." So you mount Pokimane like an animal for an entire hour, grunting like a beast while she passively waits for you to finish, you don't stop pumping for a single moment, nor do you ever stop filling her up with your cum until it leaks out of her cunt. Before you know it, her phone is buzzing loudly, and she commands you to stop, your hour is over. You notice she is limping slightly as she leaves, "Fuck I am so full..." she murmurs, before cheerfully saying, "I'm looking forward to your next video, Editor" and leaving.

The subsequent months pass by in a blur, you swiftly and skillfully produce a video for Pokimane, and soon after she arrives at your door, ready to be used. And god, do you use her. You lick and fuck her feet until they are squishy with your semen; you pump between her mighty thighs, breeding her continuously as she moans beneath you; you mount her fat tits more often that you can count, humping her chest until her breasts are smothered with cum; you make her suck you off, making her clean the fluids of your coupling off your cock so many times you know the contours of her mouth better than she does; you violate her anus with her cock, often without any lubrication, groaning as her tight coils milk your dry within minutes; you plow her from behind, again and again and again, unable to resist her thick ass you simply give in and fuck; you spend several hours simply jacking off onto her perfect face, until her hair is soaked and her face white; you make her ride you in every position imaginable, bouncing and swaying on your cock while her breasts flop around her chest, as she tirelessly drains you of load after load; you masturbate to porn together, until you are both staining the sheets afresh with your cum; you ask her to peg you, which she does with great enthusiasm while your cock sprays like a firehose; you dress her up in all sorts of cosplays, roleplaying a wide variety of scenarios that always seem to end up with you breeding her while howling her name; you fuck her while watching the video she sent you, so that you are pumping to Poki porn using Poki's perfect pussy, achieving a gooner's nirvana.

All the while you continue to churn out videos like a machine, all of which rack up an ever growing quantity of views and interactions; you are single-handedly (because the other hand is busy) driving up Pokimane's numbers on Youtube. You reach your zenith after editing while your goddess's head bobs between your legs, sucking you dry even as you complete your masterpiece. Eventually though, you begin to tire of it all, your videos begin to do progressively less well, and you feel a growing indifference towards Poki. You had flew to close too the gooner sun, your wings had been burned by the intensity of your fulfilled passions for her. No longer did her every message and word carry the power to compel you any more, no longer was she your Aphrodite, now she was simply a high priestess, the pedestal of goddess left unoccupied as your ardor cools. None of which goes unnoticed by Poki, so that one day she messages you, "I think we may need to go our separate ways Editor, let's discuss this at your place," and you agree. She patiently explains that the quality of your videos had declined recently, and that she was firing you, "Send me a copy of all the recordings you made of us together though," she smirks at your shock, "what, you thought I wouldn't notice? That much content will be useful for when I launch on Pornhub." You shudder at the thought of Pokimane gracing the porn scene with her presence, much seed would be spilt that day... "Also, I shot your reference to a friend of mine who needs a good editor, so expect to hear from her soon." You thank her profusely for this generosity, and she smirks in response, "Once more before the road then? I know how much you love fucking me..." So you spend the next hour pumping Pokimane full of your semen, and making her suck the resulting mess off of your dick; she even stays an extra few minutes to make sure it is extra clean. You hear her mutter as she leaves for the final time, "Well that one lasted a while..."

You spend the next week in a morose stupor, lost without a goddess to worship, unable to even achieve an erection. Even when Poki glibly announces on stream that she had to fire her pervert of an editor, you don't get hard even from this humiliation. Your depressed mood continues until a fresh notification pops up on your work account, piquing your interest; it reads, "Hello, I was looking for a new editor, and Imane recommended you to me! I need to have this video out by tomorrow, so please get it done ASAP! -AriaSaki" Curious now, you open up attached files, and feel a faint stirring in your crotch. Several hours later, and you send the video to her, your cock leaking from your constant edging, eager for her response. You don't have long to wait, as a short video arrives soon after, you open to see the goddess talking excitedly to you, while wearing little more than short-shorts and a blue pushup bra, "OH MY GAWD, thank you so much Editor! This looks so freaking good, let's discuss terms tomorrow okay? Thank you thank you thank you!" Before ending it with a beaming smile. You are smiling as well, as semen drips down from the underside of your desk, anything for your goddess AriaSaki...

And so the Editor finds a new job, and the cycle continues...

[lycankeyy]

Jesus Christ these doodles already feel so old . I was not lying I really am using this fixation to speedrun learning to draw humans LMAO. Anyway I made some of those silly "understand ship in 5 minutes" memes with my Favorite pairings in funkycule au not ALL of them just the ones that I brainrot hardest about. If I did one for all of them we'd be here all day I'd probably hit image limit it's called the funkycule for a reason

ANYWAY infodumping/details under the cut:

BF/GF/Pico:

I am a "BF and GF are Fucking Tall™️" truther because it's funny to me. With BF it's harder to tell because his posture is absolutely atrocious but GF is just So Fucking Tall

I'm going to be honest with the gender headcanon for BF. I guess I default to him being transmasc but I can see him as. Like. Anything. In fact I think he's just every gender. But I'm a coward so he's transmasc for the purposes of the chart. GF is a girl but identifying her as "cis" or "trans" doesn't mean much when demon genders don't really work like that. It's complicated. Pico is just a guy

Pico likes being the big spoon because he likes knowing that his partners are safe. However GF likes being the big spoon More. The result is Pico Sandwich. He will never admit it but Pico feels the safest he ever has in his entire life when he is being Pico Sandwiched

BF is very much a verbal affection type of guy. Yes he is nonverbal. His words of affection are various dubstep noises. His partners appreciate it so much

BF grew up kinda spoiled and never really learned how to cook. However after noticing that Pico is like extremely bad at feeding himself (canon six pack means nothing to me. That boy is skin and bones I won't be told otherwise /silly) he for the first time managed to convince himself to try it and he got Really into it he's actually good at it. He still loses his mind when GF makes him pb&j sammiches for dinner though it's his favorite thing in the world

Pico is Insanely overprotective mostly because he's extremely hypervigilant and sees potential danger in everything. BF is the exact opposite and even in situations where he's in immediate danger he'll be ironically more worried about Pico getting too worried about it. GF is also pretty ditzy about this due to her confidence that her boys can handle Anything but if either of them ever got hurt she would explode everyone in a 50 mile radius with her mind so like that counts for something

Random headcanon: the group's favorite date night activity is looking up an extremely bad movie and then commentating over it like old-school rage youtubers the whole time in an effort to see who can get the others to laugh the hardest. BF wins often because the flatness of the TTS voice he uses adds something to the humor of it

Pico/Darnell:

I kinda bounced around with what label to use for Darnell for a while. I definitely see him as arospec, with the stipulation that he does feel romantic attraction just like very not traditionally and after a Long Time. After going between quoiromantic and demiromantic for a bit I landed on grey bc it's open-ended enough to encompass it. The point is it took Darnell like 3 full years to realize that his feelings were less platonic than he thought and even then theyre still like. Only half-romantic lmao

Unfortunately as he cannot provide the Pico Sandwich Darnell is getting little spoon'd by a guy nearly a foot shorter than him. F

Pico and Darnell are pretty verbally coarse with each other in a way only people who've been through the amount of shit they have been together can be w/o jeopardizing their relationship. That being said they often express affection and insane amounts of trust through actions very frequently, sometimes even without either of them realizing. Them immediately making up after weekend 1 was one of those times lol

I put Pico on the "squashes the bug" end of both charts but in reality I think he just takes them outside unless it's like a gnat or something. Darnell isn't scared of bugs he just wonders what would happen if he set one on fire. Pico refuses to let him set them on fire

Even though Pico 2 is in a weird limbo state in funkycule just like it is irl, there's still some point in the timeline where Pico expressed protectiveness over Darnell, to the point where, years later, when Darnell heard Pico took down a whole army for BF and GF, he got jealous, because that was supposed to be their thing >:(. This was quickly followed by his Oh moment

Random headcanon: Pico and Darnell had been acquaintances for the whole time they were in school together, but they became friends when Pico (and Nene by proxy) were the only kids to continue hanging out with him after The Class Presentation Gone Wrong (Darnell Plays with Fire). To return the favor, Darnell stuck by Pico even after the events of PS fundamentally changed him as a person. Though their relationship can be messy, they've been virtually inseperable since.

Nene/Cassandra:

The levels of toxicity of this are mostly dependant on When in the timeline by the time these two are like 21 they've normalized a bit dw lmao

Okay so like. I've made so much Lore. For Pico's School. For no reason. Anyway penilians have nothing against child soldiers so Cas was shipped off to infiltrate Earth at the penilian equivalent of 13. Also while on a surface level she's transfem in more depth it's like "all penilians are One Sex and have One Gender so technically she is xenogender, using neopronouns, and if you want to be extra silly with it, by the time she's 19 she's functionally alienkin but for humans as a coping mechanism for being banished to earth (dw abt it)"

[Projects my trauma and its side effects onto Nene] who said that

I didn't think much on the borrowing clothes thing until I realized that I draw Nene and Cassandra wearing the same style of turtlenecks I was like. Do you know what would be really funny

I don't have many intimate cute headcanons for these two Yet because I'm so early on in developing my shit and these two are Not cute at first. However I do like to imagine that Nene calls Cas all kinds of over-the-top cutesy or stupid nicknames just to get a reaction out of her. She called her a "vixen" as a furry joke + something between a compliment and insult once and she almost died

Nene is literally the only one in this entire cast who's never gotten her license suspended also she's somewhat good at car maintence which Cas find inexplicably hot

Giggles and kicks my feet at putting both Pico and Cassandra at the far end of the overprotectiveness spectrum. Anyway

Random headcanon: in the short period of time before Cas started ghosting Nene and FNF happening, they were in contact for One Christmas when they were like 15. Nene got Cas a cute little switchblade with hearts carved into the handle. Cas keeps it in a box by her bed and refuses to let anyone touch it or to let it ever get dirty.

If you have read this far I love you. Here is your reward should you choose to accept it:

[freeuselandonorris]

this has been sitting in my drafts for a day or so and an ask game is the perfect excuse to send it in

☉ SHARK TANK

I've been thinking many thoughts about Oscar and his usually quite well hidden exhibitionism. like he's not as much of an attention whore as Lando is (or at least not nearly as obnoxiously) but he still definitely IS. my source? old prema videos: him on a cliff in monaco talking about the view and then pointing at himself and saying "nice view". talking about how he's fine "becoming a meme on twitter" as long as it gets him attention. being well aware that there's a camera on him while he's getting undressed (the one singular clip that exists of him with his shirt off that is in like every edit ever made) but not making any effort to get said camera turned off or just turning away from it, not even bothering to look at least a little bashful after. like you ain't slick bitch I see you. I've not really seen that characterisation of him in fics but I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on the matter

YEAAAH love this!! i think you're so right actually - i think a lot of this is that athletes are just very comfortable with their bodies in the sense that they're used to seeing them as a tool and a thing to be honed and manipulated, so they're constantly being touched, adjusted, assessed (i also have a theory that this is why they're all so grabby with each other) and they're also used to just being on display. but ALSO this is about oscar's quiet confidence - like, lando's an exhibitionist in the sense that he's constantly putting himself on display for approval and because he wants the validation, whereas oscar's just like. yep. here i am. i know i'm worth it.

lil snippet because i love this idea!

The wild thing is, Oscar’s not even bothering to hide it. He’s standing as cool as anything in front of the mirror in his hotel room, dressed in only his boxer shorts, flexing. As if Lando’s not there.

“Damn,” Lando says from his vantage point on the bed, feeling hot and strange. He’d barged into Oscar’s room to get ready for the stupid sponsor event, needs the company to stop him getting all up in his head about it. “Really feeling yourself there, bro.”

He lets his voice tilt a bit scathing as he says it. Not like Oscar’s got nothing to be proud of – his upper body strength’s better than Lando’s now, the last bits of teenage softness melting away into solid muscle as the season’s progressed. But still. Man needs some modesty.

Anyway, he needn’t have bothered, because Oscar just blinks back at him in the mirror, face unreadable. 

“Yeah,” he says simply, and presses a hand to his sternum, twisting to flare his lats. Lando, for some stupid reason, feels his face going pink. “Pretty stoked with my progress recently.”

He doesn’t make an inappropriate joke of it like Lando would, or blush and get awkward. Just turns, angling himself subtly towards Lando instead of the mirror. Slim fingers resting in the channel between his abs, pinkie finger just dipping into his navel. 

Lando swallows. There’s something about the way Oscar’s acting, like it’s perfectly normal for him to be displaying himself like this, that makes Lando want to look. Like, really look. It must be okay, if Oscar's letting him do it. Encouraging him to do it.

He’s kinda flushed, colour high up on his cheeks and across the pale skin of his neck, but it’s not like he’s embarrassed. It’s like he’s excited. Like his heart’s hammering in his chest, sending all the blood rocketing around his body.

“Yeah. You’re looking good, Osc,” Lando says, dry-mouthed, and settles back into the pillows as Oscar’s hand creeps down, down. “Why don’t you show me the rest?”

[ash-and-starlight]

Books of 2023

the list nobody asked for <3

My reading habits had gone a bit stagnant in the past couple of years so this year i made the effort to engage in reading again and wow books really are good!! who would have thought! Sharing this year's book log with the small reviews i did while reading yeah i am That kind of list lover if u feel like being nosy, (and maybe even help mi crowdsource reading recs based on my likes 👀🤲?)

The left Hand of Darkness - Ursula K. Le Guin Ursula i Need to know your thoughts on omegaver- [gunshot] THAT ASIDE yeah. mrs Le Guin you've done it again. I can see why everyone got their brain chemistry altered by this book.

The Membranes - Chi Ta-Wei another brain chemistry altering book. would love to discuss it with a gender studies major lmao

Satanic Verses - Salman Rushdie its a v atmospheric and poignant story, I know I would have loved it more if I was familiar with the rich religious/cultural background it draws from

The Masquerade Series - Seth Dickinson Crazy insane in the membrane about this series. one of the most compelling worldbuildings I've ever seen, and most importantly it features one of the most crazy wet pathetic scrunkly meow meow protagonists i've ever had the pleasure of reading about.

Middlesex - Jeffrey Eugenides i liked the writing style of this book a lot! idk how well it holds up re: intersexuality topic, but its a very engaging read.

Dead Blondes and Bad Mothers: Monstrosity, Patriarchy, and the Fear of Female Power - Jude Ellison, Sady Doyle The title says it all honestly, its a beautiful, thought provoking and engaging essay, spanning eras, pop culture phenomenons, and real life events on the topic of women and horror.

The cat who saved books - Sōsuke Natsukawa this was so cute and heartfelt, it will really make you go Ah Yes, this is Why we Love Books <333

The Locked Tomb Series - Tamsyn Muir now when people say there is a girl who is the cursed sacrifice of 2000 infants who falls in love with the sleeping embodiment of the soul of the Earth (barbie) and also another girl who is the only survivor of the aforementioned sacrifice and is. a Jesus metaphor? and also the two girls become one at some point. and every book is a different genre. and god is bisexual. and memes survived the nuclear apocalypse. I can just nod and say so true.

The Area X Trilogy - Jeff VanderMeer Rotating this series in the microwave of my mind at the speed of light it's soSO GOOD!! the movie doesn't even come close honestly u NEED to read the books. and then go touch grass and be aware of every strand in a completely new way.

The Dawn of Yangchen - F. C. Yee nice read! I was more invested in the worldbuilding crumbs than in the actual story lmao, I will forever think about the HEATED airball rivalry between the air temples and about the swt greetings / bethrotal armbands.

Inuit Stories of Being and Rebirth: Gender, Shamanism, and the Third Sex - Bernard Saladin d'Anglure starting w a disclaimer bc I feel like the topic of native colonization was ignored when it should have been way more prominent when talking about the context of where and when these testimonies were collected?? That aside it was very interesting and well put together, with first account testimonies of Inuit elders about their myths, lifestyles and beliefs.

Pachinko - Min Jin Lee i read the book after having seen the tv series (which i also rlly recommend). Very moving story about a family and its generations, from Korea under Japanese colonization to modern day America.

Her body and other parties - Carmen Maria Marchado sometimes I go about my day then I remember this book exists and stare at the wall for 30 minutes.

Dictionnaire de l'impossible - Didier Van Cauwelaert big miss. this collection of articles about "strange impossible phenomenons" sounded so quirky and interesting but i sure would have loved if the author hadnt so clearly picked a side. and also way too much church for my tastes.

He who Drowned the World - Shelley Parker Chan Im not even gonna speak about this one if you've followed me since july you know what pits of insanity and despair i'm in

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow - Gabrielle Zevin Sometimes!! the book with pretty covers put in the "famous on socials" bookstore section!! are good!! It's about being othered it's about connection it's about diaspora it's about love and friendship and most of all it's about viddy games.

Station Eleven - Emily St. John Mandel reading this post-covid and learning it was written in 2017 was A TRIP. Psychic damage at every page. still feeling very normla.

The Mask of Apollo - Mary Renault Ugh i desperately wanted to like this book because the setup is so interesting and full of potential, but the end result was just. flat. flat story flat characters the plot focusing on the wrong things at the wrong times i was so DONE when i reached the end otz.

Babel - R. F. Kuang LOVED the worldbuilding in this, the "lost in translation" system of magic is one of the most interesting things ive ever read. I think theres something about the writing in general that didn't win me over completely?? but all in all a very good

Red Ocean - Han Song This sure is a Book. That i've Read. its so profundly strange and unlike anything ive come across that i dont even know what to feel about it. i think 90% of my confusion comes from Not Getting Cultural References so if someone has a "red ocean explained" essay plz send it my way bc i couldnt find one.

[trans-queen-administrator]

One year ago, give it take a few days, I started reading Worm. I finished it in a week. I don't think I'll ever read a story that affects me as much as Taylor's did, and since it's the anniversary of me reading Worm I think I might as well get sappy and emotional and write out how much Worm impacted me.

Tw: talking about suicide

I was in a terrible spot before Worm. Behind in every single class, failing to eat or drink or even just get out of bed for entire days, ghosting all of my friends and family just because I couldn't work up the will to talk, I just rotted in my dorm all day and let the tasks pile up higher and higher because I didn't know how to dig myself up, so I just gave up. I found Worm from some stupid meme that I saw while scrolling through social media for 13 hours a day in an attempt to drown out thoughts, and for reasons I still don't know I started to read it instead of returning to my blank inertia. I hadn't had the mental willpower to read or even feel anything in months, and it was completely out of character to immediately read it instead of just saying I'd do it later.

My sleep schedule was already fucked, once I got started it wasn't really a shock that I stayed up until like 5 am.

The week went by, I got to Leviathan, the Nine, Echidna, countless incredible interludes, and somewhere early on I think Worm became some sort of last hurrah. I'm not totally sure if I would have done it, but I had rough plans for methods of killing myself. Worm is a long work, impressively so, I was telling myself I'd finish it so I had something to be at least somewhat proud of before I went. It was a means of procrastination for the end since I didn't want to leave it unfinished, and also a road to it since once I was done reading then it would be time.

I became completely closed off from the world, even more than I had been previously. I dropped any pretenses of passing or attending class, what would the point be when I wouldn't be around for the grade? My meals became even less frequent, and when I had them it was always accompanied by reading. My sleep time was cut in half, I was waking up earlier and going to bed later all to read Worm. It was a week long fugue where I ceased to exist except for my ability to read the text. Once I was done reading, that would be it for me, and since I had closed myself off from pretty much everything there were no outside sources to convince me to change my mind. Just Worm. And it managed to do it.

Something about Taylor's absolutely insane amount of willpower just hit me hard. I remember when I read Speck and was reduced to a sobbing wreck for a day that was one of my strongest thoughts about her. She just tried so hard for everything, and absolutely never gave up as long as there was some way she could try to do something. I never learned how to put all my effort into stuff, but Taylor was inspiring enough that I wanted to at least try to learn how to try. It sounds cringey to write down, but if she could try so hard that she united all of humanity to kill an omnicidal god, then I could at the very least try to eat lunch.

Speaking of lunch, I read 90% of Speck in the corner of my college dining hall. It was like 4:00 and I was the only one there somehow, which is great because I was breaking down the entire time as I read Taylor fall apart. I don't think I'll ever read anything that hurt as much as Speck.

Another part of Taylor that was just as crucial to making me want to live was showing how much her self destructiveness hurt others. How could I justify killing myself when I just read how much it fucking tore at Taylor's friends when she became Khepri? When Lisa scrambled to just barely save Taylor from a suicide attempt in the first chapter of Gold Morning? Even when she just left them behind, Rachel's anguish was palpable, so who was I to ghost my friends because I was too scared to text anyone? I always knew on a logical level people would be sad if I died, but seeing such solid depictions of hurt from similar situations just... I dunno, I couldn't justify it when it was so much clearer to me how much it would hurt people I love.

I took a day to emotionally recover from the mental rewiring that comes from finishing Worm, and then I called my parents and told them how poorly I had been doing. I hadn't done it before because I didn't want to be a burden. They were happy to help. I dropped all my classes and went home. Worm stayed with me, it gave me some sort of substance to my life, something to latch on to. Making ideas for fanfics that I'd never write, talking with friends I'd made through Worm, rereading Speck if I needed a good cry, all of it kept me going and made my life feel less flat. Like five months later I started posting to this account and that was another outlet. It was just fun to analyze the text and make up theories about this work that did so much for me, and when I finally started posting them online that was good fun too. Thank y'all for reading my dinky little rambles, somehow I've cracked 400 followers on what was originally just a place for me to write down my thoughts during lunch hour at a mental hospital. Whenever I get a detailed comment in the notes, or I see someone like/reblog 20 of my posts in a row as they scroll through, or I see the names of people I always see in my notifications it just makes my day. Y'all are lovely.

And well, now it's been a year. Worm was supposed to be the final story I read, a countdown to the end in 1.7 million words, but it managed to convince me to keep going. I didn't think I'd make it to the next year or even the next month, but it's November again and I'm still here. I'm not doing great, but I'm here and I have Worm to thank for that.

[seventeendeer]

TF2 analysis - on cultural references, context as characterization, and how to analyze comedy

-taps mic- HELLO, TEAM FORTRESS 2 COMMUNITY !

A while back, I received an ask requesting analysis of one of my favorite video games of all time and special interest of 12+ years, and you know I just had to go and turn that into a several thousand word essay for the reading pleasure of the people.

Because that shit got way too long, I’ve decided to put it into a post of its own. Hopefully a big title and no previous context being necessary will give more people an incentive to read it. I spent a long time on it and I think it’s pretty cool, and I would love some nice attention for my effort. ;w;

The ask I received went a little something like this:

Below the cut, I will be replying to these questions individually. It touches on everything from Cold War propaganda to the media landscape at the game’s launch in 2007 to first-person shooters as a genre - all to gain a better understanding of author intent, expected audience reaction, characterization and themes.

Anon previously requested help writing more accurate fanfiction, and damn it, that is what they are going to get!! and MORE

Introductory disclaimer:

First of all, for clarity's sake: this analysis is going to specifically talk about TF2 as seen through a fandom lens. I'm going to be talking about the game as a piece of media, creator intention, and the fandom's reactions to the game and extended canon - that is, the slice of the TF2 fandom that is interested in the characters, in the world and in doing at least semi-faithful fanworks.

I will not be touching on TF2's wider playerbase or meme culture. I greatly enjoy both, but they are not relevant to the post I made that sparked this anon's questions (I will link this post in the replies, in case anyone is curious).

I also have to disclaim that any references I make to real world history in this post have to be taken with a hard grain of salt. I've done my best to fact-check everything, but I am not infallible! For a better understanding of the historical elements I talk about here, please do your own research, and approach my claims with a healthy amount of scepticism, same as you would any unsourced social media post. (Readers may notice examples I give below primarily feature Soldier, Spy and Scout. This is because I feel I have the most solid grasp on the historical events and media that informs their characters, compared to the other classes. All the classes contain these contexts and meta complexities, but in an effort to not talk out of my ass too much, I have decided to focus on the characters I feel the most confident dissecting.)

>1) What tropes was the game parodying/what cultural contexts would you say are essential to understand, in order to better understand the game?

The characters of TF2 were specifically designed as satiric takes on national stereotypes depicted in American propaganda media during the Cold War. Two easy-to-explain examples to illustrate:

- Soldier embodies the ideal of a "red-blooded American" who is strong, brave, hyper-masculine, hates foreign superpowers, loves the vague ideal of "freedom" and firmly believes America is the greatest nation in the world. He prides himself on having personally murdered nazis in the past, despite actually having accomplished no such thing (comparable to the US taking a disproportionate amount of credit for defeating Nazi Germany in World War 2; at the time, WW2 was a very recent cultural memory that made for good propaganda fodder). He fears, hates and dehumanizes communists (as Soviet Russia was the US's highly-villified opponent during the Cold War). The satiric angle: he is depicted as so brainwashed by propaganda that he has become immune to facts and logic. He is horribly sadistic, brutal, paranoid and xenophobic. The ideal he is based on is portrayed as shockingly and disproportionally violent and illogical to the point of being laughable.

- Spy is based on how the US viewed France during the Cold War: as a weak, cowardly, “unmanly” nation. At the time, France was depicted this way because they were perceived to have surrendered to Nazi Germany early on in World War 2 out of cowardice. Spy is one of the least macho of the mercs, he is ineffective when fighting enemies head on, and his main method of attack is reliant on trickery and “not fighting fair.” The satiric angle: Spy isn't actually much of a coward - he is more intelligent, more tactical and more resourceful than many of the others, and simply doesn’t feel the need to risk his neck when he could be working smarter, not harder. The other characters are portrayed as a bunch of meatheads for picking on him. The negative stereotype he is based on is portrayed as largely unearned and ridiculous. (Though note that Spy is also depicted as an upperclass prick to contrast with Engineer being working class; in that dynamic, Spy is depicted as a pompous asshole, while Engie is depicted in a more favorable light. The characters are multi-faceted and no class is universally “better” or “worse” than the others, but right now I'm specifically focusing on the "Cold War stereotype" aspect.)

Notice how, while these two characters have different nationalities in-universe, they are both based on stereotypes seen through an American lens. Notice the way the American character is based on a comedically deconstructed ideal, while the character from a nation the US did not view favorably at the time is depicted as falsely judged by an unfair and ridiculous metric.

The entire TF2 cast and universe revolves on this axis! It takes old American ideals and prejudices and uses them for comedy, adding exaggeration and caveats to make those ideals look absurd.

It’s a parody of media produced in the US during the Cold War, which contained massive amounts of propaganda. It satirizes the political ideals that were glorified in said propaganda media.

Very important extra cultural context: this satiric depiction of old war propaganda was specifically designed to be instantly recognizable to TF2's central demographic at the time of release in 2007.

Older Valve games like TF2 were very specifically made to appeal to pop culture-savvy, nerdy young adult gamers. This demographic was expected to see the characters and think "oh hey, it's like a funny version of X character type I've seen in movies!"

Because those kinds of movies were still everywhere at the time. The Cold War ended in 1991. TF2 was released only 16 years later. To put this into perspective: the Legally Blonde movie came out 22 years ago, in 2001. Think about how many Legally Blonde memes are still floating around the web today, how fondly remembered this one movie is and how often it’s still referenced in contemporary media. Now consider that media produced during the Cold War was fresher in the cultural memory at the time of TF2′s release than Legally Blonde is for us today.

TF2 was never meant to be seen in a vacuum. It was always meant to be in conversation with old media that it expected everyone playing to be extremely familiar with.

I'll say that again: the cast of TF2 are based on Cold War stereotypes - comedically exaggerated - so they would clearly read as parodies to people in 2007.

Those are 3 different overlapping lenses to consider when approaching the characters.

The characters are more than just funny cartoon men with guns and an unusual amount of differing accents. They are commentary on older media trends.

Now, someone might ask - why did the developers choose this specific aesthetic and tone for their online shooter video game?

The developers have stated multiple reasons, including wanting the characters to be immediately recognizable both physically (they generally look like the stereotypical depictions they're based on) and audibly (the differing accents and regional dialects make it easy to identify which class is yelling in your ear mid-combat during gameplay).

However, I also have another theory:

It's been confirmed TF2's comedic tone was designed to combat a lot of negative aspects of shooters in the genre at the time of its creation. I have seen developers discuss that they were going for a lighthearted atmosphere to discourage player hostility.

I, personally, also think it is extremely likely the developers opted for satirizing old war propaganda partially in order to combat the tendency of other shooters often being war propaganda. Valve has always been a politically left-leaning company, with a history of depicting military-like forces and unchecked capitalism in a negative light (see the Half-Life and Portal series, respectively).

By depicting the cast of TF2 as generally unhinged, illogical and clownish, they were able to communicate to players: "War is dumb, nationalism is dumb, whatever Call of Duty has been telling you is cool is actually illogical and copying it makes you look like like an idiot. That being said, we all sometimes wish we could beat the shit out of other people in the desert with a shovel, so let's get our aggressions out in a safe, non-serious environment with no consequences. Come play pretend you're a murderous sadist blowing up equally unhinged people with us, it's silly, but it's so fun."

I believe everything from the cartoonishly over-the-top, non-permanent deaths to the deserted, remote environments, to the lack of any truly innocent or defenseless characters was all a carefully crafted foundation made to encourage players to make the informed decision to leave their inhibitions and moral hangups at the door. They wanted players to have fun and go nuts engaging in military-like violence, without encouraging pro-military attitudes in their playerbase.

For an example of a game that royally screwed up doing the same thing, just look at Overwatch - it tried to preach a "wholesome" vibe that was completely mismatched with its gameplay. Overwatch tries to justify extreme violence as Okay When Good Guys Do It To Bad Guys, which ... yeah, again, that is straight up modern military propaganda, on purpose or not (and knowing the US military’s tendency to pour money into video games that glorify war, “on purpose” isn’t as much of a stretch as one might think). Paradoxically, TF2 comes out both looking and feeling better to play, because it handles aligning player emotions VS in-game actions much more elegantly. It accounts for common pitfalls in its genre. OW jumps into those pitfalls with both legs and instead ends up looking shallow and nauseatingly twee.

Of course, all of this is personal speculation. Whether or not this was the reading that Valve intended, I do believe it's a big reason why TF2 has remained so profoundly loveable over the years - it uses its writing and art direction to put the player in the perfect mindspace to Fuck Shit Up.

It's a fantastic example of how to carefully and artfully craft something extremely stupid for maximum intended effect. It uses the strengths of comedy as a genre to its absolute fullest.

Unfortunately, because of cultural shifts since the game's release, newer fans do end up missing out on a lot of what makes this game so expertly done. Many newer fans don't come into the game with the base cultural knowledge it expected of its original audience. To gain a better grasp on the characters and enjoy this piece of media as it was intended, I think it will be extremely helpful to familiarize yourself with the material it is referencing.

For an introduction to media produced and influenced by the Cold War, I would recommend the Wikipedia article Culture during the Cold War as a starting point.

(I have skimmed, but not read, the full article; I encourage readers to be especially source-critical when engaging with pages like this that detail themes of history and propaganda - it's a starting point, not a finish line!)

>2) What themes/layers do you feel the fandom has lost sight of, over time? (or never really managed to acknowledge to begin with?)

Some of this is covered in the previous section, but I'll use this question as an opportunity to talk about another thing I feel is overlooked by fans (and, frankly, the writers of the newer comics too), especially when creating fanworks:

The fact that the characters are extremely dependent on their setup and narrative context to be likeable.

Something I think fandom culture struggles with in general is interpreting and handling fictional characters not as real, independent people who exist in a vacuum, but as the sum total of countless moving parts inside a narrative all working together to create the impression of a real person.

In a comedy, characters are especially dependent on presentation to feel like themselves. It is not enough to loyally recreate an arbitrary list of personality traits in order to create accurate fanworks - recreating the sorts of situations they get into, the kinds of people they interact with, and cherry-picking the information they have access to is neccessary for bringing out what makes the characters so charming!

This is especially important when interpreting and handling a cast made up exclusively of characters who are mean people with bad intentions, bad opinions and a complete lack of adequate self-reflection across the board.

Canon makes them all come off amazingly likeable, but this is because the writers were manipulating tone, relationship dynamics, setting, and much more to show off the characters at their most distinct, least detestable and absolute funniest.

Overlooking this aspect of writing comedy characters often leads to a very common pitfall in many, many fandoms out there - following the logic of a character's canon personality to a place they don't like, and getting rid of those personality traits to combat their own discomfort.

Making characters too kind, too understanding, too progressive, etc., is an endless source of micharacterization in fandoms in general, but especially in fandoms of media where the characters are a bunch of dicks in canon.

To be clear, I fully understand where this is coming from. Fans get attached to characters like these because they're funny (and intended to be loved!) - realizing that a character you really like would logically react in an unlikeable way if you put them into certain situations feels bad. No one wants to turn a character they love into something they find they don't love anymore.

But this is where carefully engineering your setup and narrative comes into play.

Example:

A lot of TF2 fans are queer. Queers flock to TF2 because let’s face it, the campy vibes and silly fun masculinity and weird women are like catnip to us.

But a lot of queer fans go into the fandom aspect of the game and find that ... wait, shit, these characters are not exactly pillars of progressiveness. Reconciling some of the extremist political views of the characters with queer narratives, with queer values, seems a daunting task to some. Because what’s a queer fan to do? Portray a character they love in a way that makes them unloveable? Painstakingly depict shitty, uncomfortable characterization in the name of “realism” that ultimately detracts from their own and other people’s enjoyment of the story? That’s not fun. Fandom is supposed to be fun. So, what, do they just portray the characters as miraculously having perfectly amicable social politics by the standards of the larger queer community in 2023?

Some do, of course, for their own comfort, and it’s understandable, but it’s not good storytelling. It’s an excessively shallow way of interacting with media - the fanfiction equivalent of confidently sitting down to write an in-depth, flowery review of a horror movie you watched with your hands over your eyes during all the scary parts. You cannot create fanworks that are even remotely faithful to the spirit of the canon while deliberately ignoring the core themes and author intention of the canon you’re working with. These things are, unfortunately, mutually exclusive. TF2 characters are meant to be wrong about most things politically. Hopefully my reply to the first question in this post adequately illustrates why that’s so important.

But the good news is that bastardizing canon in order to avoid making characters unlikeable also isn’t necessary.

There’s a reason Soldier, in canon mocks his enemies for everything from failing at masculinity to being disabled, yet doesn’t have a single homophobic line:

The people writing his lines figured it would detract from the character. It would hurt real people’s feelings and make the character less fun to play as, so they didn’t include it. No excuses, no explanation; it is simply omitted for the sake of likeability.

(For contrast, notice that the writers did not extend the same kindness to certain other minorities, like fat people - playing as Heavy fucking sucks when you’re fat, because every other class hurls fatphobic abuse at him. This is a fuck-up on the writers’ side; they failed to identify this type of humor as meaningfully detracting from the experience for a significant amount of players, and so ignorantly decided to include it.)

This is what I mean by “setup and narrative context.” I also like to call this “maneuvering”, because it involves selectively portraying a character in contexts and situations where they shine and instill the intended audience reaction, while steering them away from situations where they would logically act in ways that counteract how the audience is intended to feel about them.

Fanworks can absolutely do the same thing! Fanworks can even take the technique further, because they’re not bound by limited time and focus, the way the original work is!

Sticking with the above example of wondering What The Hell To Do when portraying a character who, due to the ideal he’s satirizing, should by all rights be on the wrong side of history in relation to queer rights, let me make a bold statement:

Soldier TF2 is not homophobic. He's a nationalist, a right-winger, a sexist, a xenophobe - but he's not homophobic.

Why? Because he just so happens to never encounter any gay people in canon. They happen to never cross his mind. He's thinking about other shit. If there's a Pride riot in Teufort, he just so happens to be looking the other way.

Soldier TF2 is not homophobic, because he can't think for himself. He's an idea, a fraction of a bigger narrative that he does not exist outside of.

And if he needs to encounter gay people in a fanfiction, don’t just passively follow the logic of his character to that uncomfortable place none of us enjoy going to - use that maneuvering! Make him misinformed, make him misunderstand, give him incomplete information - the character is not only a face with personality traits attached, his soul is also in the context of the story!

Make him homophobic, but he's pretty sure only Europeans can be gay (just look at them!), and it's already so damn sad that they weren't born in beautiful, paradisical AMERICA, so he pities them instead of hating them. Make him think he's successfully being homophobic, but he has misunderstood what a gay person is and thinks it's a particularly venomous type of snake (men who kiss other men are fine, why would he care about that when there are HORRIBLE HOMOSEXUALS slithering around in the desert that he needs to go blow up right now before they bring this glorious nation to ruin). Make him homophobic, but literally "phobic" - he's shaking and crying hiding inside a cupboard, and his newly-outed gay friends have to lure him out with canned meat and a trail of small American flags, treating him like a feral cat that needs a little time and space to get used to people.

That's funny. It's likeable, it's charming. He isn't portrayed as a good person, or woke in a way that clashes with the themes of his character, but with a little maneuvering, he is faithful to what makes him such a legendary character in canon - being a silly caricature that brings us joy.

If Soldier himself needs to be gay? There are ways to make it happen. Same approach. Get creative. Make it silly. Go for thematically appropriate comedic explanations, not cop-outs or realism*.

That is what I think the TF2 fandom is lacking - understanding of how to manipulate context to make a character feel like their own unique, lovable selves.

Characters are not just visuals and personality traits. They are also what happens to them, what they conveniently find out, what they happen to miss.

This is the same for every story, but it is especially important to understand in a comedy. Doubly so in a whimsical, hyper-violent, morbid comedy like TF2.

It's one of the most important layers to be able to recognize, and an even more important one to be willing to try to recreate.

*Unless you feel like doing a deliberate deconstruction, in which case, go ham, sometimes actively engaging with canon means doing some real weird stuff to it to make a certain point on a meta level. This is obviously different from the issues I described above.

>3) "even the newer official comics don't even seem to really "get" the original game" … I've had a nagging sense for years now that the TF2 comics don't really match the game, tonally -- which has admittedly soured my enjoyment of them -- but I've never been able to put two and two together and fully determine why that is. What would you say they've failed to "get" about the work they're based off of?

While I very much love the newer comics on their own merits, I do think they are wildly removed from the game, and lack a lot of depth by comparison.

I believe the greatest failing of the comics, especially the long-form comic, is that the writers do not seem to be aware of either of the subjects I covered above.

They do not handle the satirical aspect well. The newer comic writers don't even really seem to be aware that there is a satirical aspect - they treat the world as just a silly version of mid-1900′s media, with a narrow focus on silver age comics (which were primarily superhero comics, not an easy genre to match with TF2′s more grounded setting - see the comic’s limp attempt at doing a Superman parody with Sniper) + a dash of the Man’s Life magazines (would have been a good match, if not for the fact that it’s primarily used as aesthetics, with no attention given to themes the way the game does with its own media references). They attempt to write parody only, and even the parody aspect is a hollow effort. Crucially, the writers don't seem to have much of an opinion of the old media properties they're parodying, and without opinions to guide a parody, it becomes shallow and lifeless. "Mid-1900′s media was a bit silly, right?" isn't enough of a hot take to justify its existence. It needs an axis on which to spin to feel complete.

Reiterating the point I made in my answer to question 1: the game's satirical aspect circled the point that was "American media made during the Cold War pushed a narrative that was illogical and ridiculously misaligned with reality."

Its absurd humor is grounded in reality and follows a thematic red thread that the comic does not. As a result, the comic (again, primarily later entries) loses a lot of the sting and edge of the game.

Even though the comic attempts to be more serious and "dark" at certain points, the much more silly and easy-going game (and Meet the Team videos, not to mention) comes out looking more mature, interesting and layered, even though many of the layers remain subtextual. The game is fully married to comedy and has no intention of "getting real", but it is loyal to the spirit of satire. It has opinions. It has bite.

In the game and early supplementary material, there is a dread and horror in the subtext that the comics tried to bring to light later on, but the comic writers didn't know what the scary thing behind the curtain was.

The scary thing was - is - the Cold War.

The scary thing is the dread injected into the genre it's satirizing by people who wanted American readers and movie-goers to be afraid. Scaring people into compliance, into finding a sense of safety and comfort in their national identity, was the entire purpose of many, many pieces of media released at the time.

The comic writers didn't notice the subtext and figured they had to make up their own reasons for why the world of TF2 is so utterly fucked.

They didn't understand the cultural context, and they missed the mark entirely.

This also hindered the comic writers' ability to reproduce the game's humor and characterization. Without understanding where exactly the game's humor was coming from or why the characters were so likeable despite being horrible people, they lacked direction. They made the characters at the same time too impassionate, too stupid, too uncaring, and too nice. All together, the characters became less interesting, less likeable.

Example:

- In the game, Spy was not intended to be Scout's father. Spy having a relationship with Scout's mother emphasized Spy's craftiness and intelligence (undermining the enemy team not only through brute force, but through infiltrating their personal lives), and showed off the strengths of his aforementioned "softness" and sentimentality (he's the only mercenary shown to have consistent luck with women). It also emphasized the flaws in Scout's worldview, and his status as the team underdog, and showed a clear contrast to Scout's non-existent love life. Spy came out of the situation funny and likeable because he 1. was portrayed as cool and capable in a way the other mercs aren't, and 2. his softer side is simultaneously humorously endearing, consistent with the rest of his characterization, and highly informed by the satirical aspect of his character in a way that clicks perfectly thematically. Scout comes out of the situation likeable because his ego is balanced out by his bad luck - you can simultaneously see that he's trying too hard and why he's trying too hard. Spy and Scout's dynamic in-game is also fun and interesting, because you have a tough, hyper-violent, wannabe-macho young man who is desperate to gain the respect of both his team and his enemies getting freaking owned by a guy who is nowhere near the impressive-tough-guy ideal Scout strives to embody. The game's satirical points inform the characters and their actions, which gives the comedy depth and nuance, which in turn makes all characters involved fun to watch and easy to get invested in. It is the establishing of and subsequent pointing-and-laughing-at an ideal that produces engaging, character-driven comedy in this situation.

- By contrast, the comics decided that Spy was Scout's father. Spy's motives for getting involved with Scout's mother is no longer about gaining intel on his enemies. In this version of events, his motives are reduced to merely wanting to reconnect with an old flame. This completely undermines the dynamic described above, for multiple reasons: the situation no longer shows Spy as having a particular skillset that sets him apart from the other mercs, he is no longer portrayed as emotionally "softer" than the others (in fact, having left a poor woman to raise and feed 8 kids on her own while he was off enjoying his upperclass life makes him look incredibly cold in a way that is distinctly unfunny; I don’t think the writers thought this part through), Scout's comedic poor luck is no longer on display, and the "macho character is humiliated by the type of guy he respects the least" satirical aspect no longer works. There is an attempt to replace it with a mutual "ugh, I'm related to this guy?" running gag, but it's a very pale substitute for the layered, strongly characterized, thematically appropriate dynamic present in the original game. Spy comes out of it looking like more of a cowardly, cold-hearted fuck-up than a hilariously brilliant tactician with a heart. Scout comes off way too pitiable, because he is not responsible for his own misery here, and the person horribly bullying him and picking apart his self-esteem on the battlefield is his absent father who abandoned him as a child. He's not an objectively badass character who nonetheless fucks himself over in humorous ways trying to chase an ideal that objectively sucks - he's just a regular shitty guy who ended up in bad circumstances because of things outside of his control.

The comic writers didn't understand what Spy and Scout respectively represented in the game, and because of this, they didn't realize they were taking the characters off the rails and making them much less interesting as a result. They didn't realize they were killing off an endless source of comedy that supported the game's satirical angle in a fun, unique, dynamic way.

It resulted in a flat, flavorless subplot. It had some superficial attempts at "heartwarming" moments ...

... but here's my take: if the writers wanted to include more warmth and sincerity in the comics, wouldn't it have been way more heartwarming if Spy started treating Scout as his son even though he wasn't?

Would it not have been way more endearing to see him look out for his girlfriend's child, not because he has any personal ties to him himself, but because he knew if anything happened to Scout, his mother would be devastated?

Why not build from there? Why not make it an active choice? Why not preserve the existing dynamic and themes, and just follow that narrative thread to its logical conclusion?

Spy has an established sentimental side. Scout is desperate for approval. The reluctant surrogate father/son development practically writes itself. It would have been such a good way to explore TF2's themes more explicitly, too!

But again, the comic writers did not seem to realize the game even had themes.

I do like the newer comics. I do think they're really fun, and I did even enjoy the "Spy is Scout's father" subplot in its own way. But this complete inability to identify the game's themes, and thus the source of all its comedy, and thus the red thread defining characterization - it resulted in supplemental material that was lackluster, directionless and unable to scratch the same itch the game does.

They're good comics, but they're hardly TF2 comics.

>4a) … Sheerly out of curiosity, how do you feel Expiration Date holds up, in comparison?

Similar to the way I dislike Spy being revealed to be Scout’s biological father for coming off as a stilted, superficial attempt at being “heartwarming,” I also immensely dislike later supplementary material trying to promote Ms. Pauling to Scout’s recurring love interest for the exact same reason. Expiration Date pushes this subplot way past its breaking point and shows off extremely well why the “jerk characters are secretly a bunch of softies” treatment is so deeply, deeply out of place in TF2.

Back in the early comics, Scout hitting on Miss Pauling was played as a joke at his expense. He was an idiotic, sexist guy incapable of talking to a pretty woman without trying to fuck - she was a highly skilled and deviously manipulative minor character who mostly existed to show off how dangerously competent the Administrator and her people were. Scout acting like an utter dumbass too entrenched in his own limited worldview to notice what was happening right in front of him was important characterization for him, Miss Pauling’s quiet, calculating efficiency was important characterization for her boss, and their clashing personalities set the tone for the dynamic between the entire team of mercenaries and the conspiracy going on right under their noses.

Expiration Date chose to eliminate these layers and invent a completely new conflict for these two specific characters to go play with in a corner, which had nothing to do with their original characterization or the larger plot. Scout is now portrayed as being genuinely in love with Pauling, even noticing small details about her mannerisms and knowing about some of her interests, even though the entire point of their original interactions were that Scout was so busy trying to live his tough-guy-with-a-pretty-girl-on-his-arm fantasy he did not bother to listen to or learn anything about the women unfortunate enough to cross his path, allowing Pauling to carry out her job without causing suspicion.

Instead, Scout’s sexist approach to interacting with women is played for sympathy (”he’s actually a romantic underdog because the lady he likes accurately clocked him as an idiot!”) and inadvertently validated (”once she gave him a chance, she found out he’s actually a pretty okay guy!”).

In the process, Miss Pauling loses far too much of her usual competence, being visibly freaked out over having to perform a job she’s been shown to handle with grace in the past, and being taken aback by what should by all rights be routine weirdness in this world, all so she can have an eye-roll-worthy forced positive reaction to the entire experience at the end of the short, in a weak attempt to justify why she comes to like Scout more despite all the trouble he’s caused for her and wants to spend more time with him in the future.

The romance subplot is only made possible because the characters are heavily edited compared to their past portrayals, is only able to develop in the direction it does by aligning itself with the values of a character who existed to be a laughable, obviously-mistaken caricature, and is only able to distill a happy ending to the whole mess by stripping the other character of personal standards and agency.

Scout and Pauling are frankly two halves of a whole shitshow in Expiration Date, because the writers either didn’t notice or didn’t care about what older works were gunning for - all they saw was that Boy Liked Girl, Girl Did Not Like Boy, and that just wouldn’t stand! After all, everyone likes romance, right?

Scout, as he is portrayed in the game and in the early supplementary material, is one of my absolute favorites of the mercs. I find him incredibly funny, and the way his hyperactive, fun-loving, jokey traits overlap with his intense bloodlust (literally - he’s the class with the most weapons available that cause bleed damage!) and barely-suppressed rage makes him fun and fascinating. The little man has so much unchecked ADHD and cultural trauma he just has to go and kill people about it, which is just so intensely relatable in the “forbidden mood” way TF2 handles so well.

Unfortunately, I get the impression he has in later years fallen victim to the curse of being a skinny young white guy character, making him a target for writers who think every series needs a relatable everyman protagonist for either themselves or the audience to project onto (and who think skinny young white guys are the most relatable people around, for reasons you can probably imagine I’m not personally very fond of).

TF2 absolutely does not need a character like that, and butchering Scout’s established personality in the name of “relatable” and “wholesome” is first of all Some Bullshit, and second of all a lost cause. The character simply has too much baggage as an over-the-top caricature to be comfortably rewired into an author- or audience-surrogate. He’s always going to come out looking like an asshole - whether this aspect of his character turns out likeable or unlikeable is entirely controlled by whether the story itself acknowledges it.

I did find Scout and Spy's dynamic to be quite well done, though, especially if you ignore the "Spy is Scout's father" reveal from the later comics.

The idea that Spy didn't have to go and do all that, but has grown a soft spot for Scout purely because his girlfriend clearly loves her incredibly annoying boy and her happiness is his happiness, is perfectly in-character. Scout has also long been established to desperately crave approval from his teammates, and on paper, the idea of putting him in a situation where he had to let go of some of his macho man dignity, imitate Spy more closely and ultimately win a tiny bit of that approval he's been looking for is interesting and plays well with the game's existing themes.

It's just a shame Scout's motivations ended up being conjured out of thin air, in direct conflict with past characterization, for the purpose of enabling a schmaltzy, tonally dissonant romantic subplot.

tl;dr, I'm conflicted on the subject of Expiration Date. It's funny, it's cute when it's not trying too hard, and seeing the mercs dick around off the clock getting into stupid shenanigans together is something I've always wanted to see in a longer animated format. It’s largely a good time and a fun watch, despite its questionable gender politics and trope-y execution.

However, like the newer comics, it suffers immensely from writers who are simply unable to identify the themes, characterization and comedy style of older material, and thus, in my opinion, falls way, way short of its potential.

>4b) I'd be very curious to hear your thoughts on Emesis Blue, should you end up watching it.

I'll be sure to share my opinions if I ever get around to watching it!! I'm super curious about it. As I mentioned in another post, what little I've heard of it seems much more on-point thematically, and even with the characters being so far removed from their official characterization, I really get the impression this is a deliberate, informed choice, in stark contrast to the newer official supplementary material. I’ll be sure to drop some words on it if I ever get around to watching the full thing!

Anyway, that about wraps up my thoughts! If you’ve read this far, thank you for sticking with it, and please do consider reblogging - I’ve spent an insane amount of time writing and re-writing and fact-checking this, and I would love for it to reach just half of all the people who were curious about my initial posts on the subject. :’)

Follow-up questions are very welcome, though to be clear: I’m not really interested in “debating” the subjects I’ve talked about here. I know I posit a lot of hard opinions in this post and not everyone is going to agree with me and that’s fine - if you feel differently, I invite you to simply ignore me and write your own take on your own blog. No hard feelings, I just don’t enjoy those kinds of discussions. (Corrections on any factual mistakes I’ve made are of course encouraged).

[suzukiblu]

May I ask how you got people interested in your works? You have so many people who love your writing (rightfully so bc you're awesome) and I just want to find some people who like my writing like you did

ik that I should be writing for myself and everything, and for the most part I am! I write bc I like writing and it makes me happy! But it's just so so discouraging to see my little silly posts that take me 5 minutes to make do fantastic, meanwhile the works that take me weeks of effort get like 3 notes yk?

How do you do it? Did you ever deal with something similar? Any words of wisdom for the struggling noobs?

(This is a genuine question, I'm not trying to be rude in any way shape or form and I'm very sorry if it came off like that) (Also sorry to bother you)

You’re good, I’m not bothered by questions and I don’t think you’re asking anything rude either! I especially don’t mind the “please explain this thing I don’t know much about to me” type of questions, there’s just some shit you can’t effectively google or things that just make more sense coming from someone with direct experience. 

First and foremost: the two cakes meme is law!! No one will ever complain about getting two cakes, no matter if you think someone else already did it better! 

Second and second-most: as a newbie, before you read any of my advice at all, remember that you're currently comparing yourself to someone who’s been writing fic for their entire writing experience and has also been in fandom on and off for pretty much all of that time on multiple sites and through at least a couple major migrations of fandom hubs, and that time has been about twenty-five years now. Like, it has very much been a long-term process, me learning how to find a receptive audience for my stuff. Also I am a grown-ass adult who is currently pushing forty and am pretty self-aware of who I am as a person due to a WHOLE lot of personal introspection and therapy and general life experience. Like, I know how I work at this point in my life, if nothing else.

The long-form answer of my personal fandom process will definitely require a cut at this point, though, haha. Like, this got kind of involved, ngl, but since you’re asking I figure it’s reasonable to go into detail.

So anyway, the “how to find your audience” answer is obviously gonna be different for everybody, but PERSONALLY, I've been in fandom for a long-ass time and just about always been pretty prolific and consistently communicative and available during the times I was around. I have a ton of different fandoms and fics in my history and have run into a lot of different people and written a lot of different things over the years, so I've cast a pretty wide net of options for people to find me through. I've got readers who've followed me through multiple fandoms and even deliberately gotten into new ones because of me just because they like how I write and know me well enough from my other writing to trust that I’ll be respectful of certain things (or at least put in a good-faith effort to be). Your kink is not my kink, but I’m not gonna hate on it; your thing is not my thing, but you have fun over there, you DO your thing!

Being prolific is super-helpful, of course, because that gets people in the habit of checking in on you regularly and keeps you fresh in their minds, but one of the most effective ways I’ve gotten people long-term interested in my work is by being very responsive to readers and very open about what I’m currently working on. Taking requests has helped, asking who wants to see more of what has helped, talking to people in general has helped, and definitely playing “yes, and?” with ideas I’ve been offered has helped. Also I had the benefit of LiveJournal being one of my main fandom hubs for a while, where I met a lot of people and got in the habit of talking to them in a way Tumblr does not necessarily intuitively facilitate, so that’s just a habit for me. 

I definitely still produce stuff that comparatively flops and get bummed about it, it’s just a thing I’ve gotten used to over the years and so I either kill my darlings and move on to the next thing or I decide “naw, I’m still into this idea, I’mma work on it more anyway”. That’s obviously much easier when at least a couple other people are also into said idea, but still, it’s a thing you just gotta decide for yourself either way. Like I’ve DEFINITELY had stuff I slaved over get just about totally ignored while things I only tossed up on a whim off the top of my head or just intended as jokes people adored and resonated with way more, which is part of why I do so many WIP memes where I’m drip-feeding bits and pieces of content more regularly. One of my recent fics didn’t get near as much of a reception or interest on AO3 as I’d hoped it would, but when I was writing it on Tumblr people DID get excited for and enjoy it during the process, so that helped soothe that particular indignity/frustration for me.

Also, I’ve gotten enough people invested in my writing at this point that it’s much easier for me than it is for some writers, because I can do things like ask “hey what do you guys like/want to see more of?” and I’ll pretty much always get an answer, simply because so many people are in the habit of regularly checking on my blog and talking to me now. Polls are very helpful that way too, because it’s a functionally anonymous way for shyer people or people who are just casually scrolling their dash to give you an idea of what they’re enjoying from you without having to disrupt their flow or psych themselves up or anything like that. Like, it’s low-pressure, you know? I have done a LOT of polls since I found out Tumblr has those now.

I also constantly encourage people to both talk to me about and also play with my interpretations and AUs as they so please, and I deliberately cultivate responsive relationships with as many readers as I can. I don’t always have the spoons to answer every ask, but I always try to answer the majority of them and try not to ignore questions. A significant chunk of people have told me that they read tropes and AUs from me that they hate from other writers because they just trust that I’ll write it in a way that they can enjoy. I will include certain things and a certain level of respect that they just would not be comfortable without, and if I don’t have those things in there or there’s a common trigger, I’ll at least have done my best to tag for it. And I listen to people who tell me when I’m fucking up and I either take reasonable accommodations or change my behavior where appropriate. I tag for common triggers, I don’t use terms I’ve been told are insults or slurs, I try not to associate negative connotations with physical characteristics or things people can’t change about themselves, and when I have a reflexive “squick” reaction, I try not to assume shit and try to examine my biases. Or I just back-button and move on, if it comes to it. I also do my best to assume the best of people until they prove that I should not be. I am very much going to de-escalate when and wherever I can. 

I generally consider myself a low-drama blog and a low-drama person to follow, and put in effort to be that as best I can, and at this point I think (or at least hope) people feel relatively confident that they can talk to me without having to worry about immediately getting their head bitten off, which seems to be an increasing fear/concern that some people have in fandom. Therefore, I get people talking to me pretty regularly, because I’ve gone to the effort to be as approachable as I know how to make myself.

Also, yeah: above all else, write what you wanna write! Write your weird and niche dreams! Trust me, somebody out there LOVES your weird and niche dreams and wants all the deets on ‘em. I get the most engagement and interest when I just write what I really wanna see and don’t particularly worry about how goddamn weird I think I’m being. People are actually gonna be EXCITED about how goddamn weird I think I’m being, because a lot of them want it too and they’re not finding it as easily as a lot of the more popular stuff. 

So like . . . hope at least some of that was helpful, feel free to ask follow-up questions if you have any, hah.

[kerizaret]

Since i am I am a person who impulsively saves a lot of pictures and screenshot and videos and art to my phone's photo gallery (only for me to look at, not spreading it anywhere else), there is one habit that I picked up from when I used to have a lot of worse days, but now is basically a daily ritual. And it's that, before going to sleep, I will enter that photo gallery and choose one picture (or video) from it

It can be anything, depending on how I'm feeling, but it's always some image that either makes me smile or motivates / inspires me. It can be a picture of me / my family / my friends, but it can also be a meme, a screenshot of my chat with someone or a nice comment under something I made. It can be an edit of a character I obsess over, a fanart I really really love, a screenshot of a fragment from a fanfic that was so iconic I had to keep it. I promise you one time it was a drawing that was just 3 stickmen characters with 2 dialogue lines that made me laugh so hard it is still my favourite fanart ever for that fandom

And what I do is I leave the picture in full display and then I turn off the phone and go to sleep. So that the next day, after I wake up and eventually reach for my phone to unlock it, the first thing I see is this exact picture

That way, I can remember something from the day before that made me happy, was funny, moved me, inspired something. And even if the day before was bad, I am reminded that at the end of it I can always find something that somehow can make me feel nice. That there's always things and people that make me happy out there. That even the bad times can end on a smile – maybe a strained, small one, maybe a tear-filled one, maybe a nostalgic one – but a smile nonetheless

And I don't know, somehow that used to keep me going when I felt tired and unmotivated. And now it's just a happy note to start the day with to get motivation and a reminder that at the end of the day there's always something nice waiting for me

Im sharing this rly just a thank you to all the people out there who make lovely and funny and interesting things and are kind and having fun and sharing it all with the world. Something you made or said just might've one time been a picture (or video) that I had displayed on my screen one of those days that made me happy. You might have just been my smile after a tiring day, and I love you. And I love you even if it wasn't you yet

My point is. Whether it's something simple and short and you spent 2 minutes on it, or something you worked on for so long and put so much effort and thought into – your passion and kindness don't go unnoticed. Keep doing your things and sharing what makes you happy because I promise you there's people out there who are happy because of it too. Even if it's one person

[dandelion-wings]

for the unusual fic-specific asks - broken ground, BTS?

Congratulations on getting un-shadowbanned! \o/ Which I assume is the reason I suddenly have two old meme asks from you in my inbox that I never saw when they came in. I am so sorry if it seemed that I was ignoring them!

I love pretty much all the scenes in this fic as they came out at the end of the revision process--despite its length it was a very tightly-focused fic for me, so I put a lot of effort into making each scene shine--but I will, as a sorting method, choose the one that was the absolute most fun to write, and most satisfying to get to, in the very first draft.

(Technically the whole chapter is one scene, in that there are no breaks, but I'm not going to do the whole 3500 words, so I'm choosing what feels to me like a natural 'break' point where the narrative attention shifts.)

All of Barbara's training tells her that Noelle and Albedo's approach is far too reckless to uncover a buried person. But she only holds her breath as the rocks around her sister are shattered to pieces, then scrambles forward over the gravel and drops to her knees at Jean's side. She has her sister's Vision clutched tight in her hand. There's no light in it, not even the tiniest, faintest, dimmest flicker at the very core. Barbara tucks it between her knees. She can't look at it right now. Then she sits back onto her heels, puts her free hand against her catalyst, and calls on her Elemental Sight.

I knew from very early on when writing this that I wanted Barbara to have to use her C6 ability for Jean. In the first draft, I played with the idea of this being a known power, though closely-kept secret, that she has--I think there's actually an excerpt somewhere on the blog of Kaeya outright asking for her because he knows she can--but it ended up working out better for the emotional arc for this to be the first time.

It's bad. Even if Sir Kaeya hadn't said what he'd said, even if she wasn't holding Jean's Vision, she'd have known it would be bad at the first glimpse of Jean's legs, tattered leggings revealing glimpses of purple-grey flesh. No, she'd known it would be bad from the moment they realized Jean and Sir Kaeya might be under all that stone. Barbara has been doing her breathing exercises ever since, doing everything she can to keep herself calm. Now is the worst possible time to panic.

Elemental Sight reveals many internal details to a healer trained to focus and refine their gaze, but her Hydro Vision makes her particularly aware of the flow of blood through someone's body. The blood left in Jean's veins, what little there is, has come to a stop.

There's absolutely no reason for magical healing to require the healer to see what they're doing, or justification for it to be visible to Elemental Sight like this. But it's something I like writing, so it's my dominant headcanon and one I run with whenever I get the chance.

Barbara picks up Jean's Vision and tucks it into her limp hand, still refusing to look at its dull grey surface. It had been flickering less than a minute ago. Maybe her heart had still been pumping when the rocks were blown apart. She's not dead yet, she's not gone, and if Barbara believes that- She has to believe that. She has to.

And as I imagined the mechanism here, she does have to. Pulling this trick off is reliant on her determination, which in turn is absolutely reliant on her belief. I also love in general, though, the trope of simply not wanting to believe that your loved one is gone.

Putting her hand over Jean's breast, she takes a deep breath, then begins to sing. Not one of her own cheery songs; a hymn, a plea to Barbatos, just in case he's listening. Beneath the hand she has over her own Vision, it begins to hum in tune, a vibration that's picked up next by her catalyst as the magic of her Shining Miracle begins to take form. Blue light gleams around her, its familiar patterns crazed by the broken rock. Barbara doesn't dare look. Her gaze is focused entirely on Jean, on the muddy swirl of colors shown by her Elemental Sight, the crazed amber of fractured bones and the fading blur of teal in her collapsed lungs and the blue of Hydro just barely visible where it traces through her, pooling in some places and draining from others. There's none of the faint violet that should limn the muscles, the lungs, the the heart- Barbara makes herself put that observation aside.

I have a whole system of what elements match to which parts of the body and which associated illnesses and ailments, which I laid out on this blog somewhere in my headcanons tag. I recall coming up with a whole mnemonic rhyme about it in my head at the barn that I was going to work into this scene as something Barbara is remembering from her training as she works, but ended up dropping that before I actually got to this part.

Hydro is her element. Take care of that one, first, or the rest won't matter. She gathers all the glowing Hydro song of the Shining Miracle and pours it into Jean, flooding her veins with fresh blood, drawing the pools into their proper current, cleansing what she draws out from crushed muscle and inflamed flesh as she goes. It's not enough; Barbara reaches out with her Vision, drawing in the moisture from the air all around. She can feel tears trickling down her face and draws from them, too, leaving salt-trails on her cheeks. A wind surges up from the lake, heavy with moisture. Barbara reaches the end of the hymn and begins it again, struggling to sustain the scale of this Miracle with only her Vision and her voice. Blood rushes through Jean's veins at her command, running through her heart in its proper course--in, out, in, out, in, out--as she pours all of that Hydro into it. Barbara can feel the Miracle starting to slip away. Fresh tears well up and she draws on them too, her voice starting to go raw as her throat dries out. It is too late. It's not going to be enough. Barbara's voice breaks in a dry sob.

I spend a lot of time trying to translate game mechanics into something that makes narrative worldbuilding and sense in my fics. It's utterly unnecessary, but it's very fun! And my personal de-gamification of 'elemental particles' is that Visions draw elemental power from their environment, which is strongest when it's free-floating energy from Vision use and other magic, but can also draw from natural sources. Like humidity. Or tears.

And then, with a flash of violet all through Jean's body and a jerk that Barbara can feel beneath her hand, Jean's heart begins to beat again on its own.

Hydro-based CPR!

The pattern of her Shining Miracle draws inwards as it does, the last of its power pouring into Jean's still form. That was the most difficult part, but Barbara is far from done. As she takes a moment to gasp for breath and assess the remaining damage, she looks up to see Noelle on her knees at Jean's other side. Barbara gives her a grateful look. "Do you think you can help with her bones?" Geo is best for bone-healing, but there's so much damage here that Barbara honestly isn't sure if Noelle is capable of it. Jean's pelvis is shattered, her legs crushed--Barbara is keeping her left femoral artery, nicked on the broken femur, from bleeding out by magic alone--and half her ribs broken, some of them buried deep in her collapsed right lung. If Noelle can heal them, though, Barbara has higher hopes about being able to handle the rest.

Finally getting to describe what was going on internally with Jean in detail, instead of vaguely alluding from Kaeya's POV or noting mostly symptoms from Jean's self-analysis, was very satisfying. TBH this may be why I have that Elemental Sight headcanon in the first place. Let the rescuer see and be aghast at just how injured the whumpee is--I love that particular flavor.

"Let me take care of it," Noelle says firmly, setting her hands on Jean's shoulder and hip. Through her Elemental Sight, Barbara can see the Geo energy starting to flow through her hands into the broken bone beneath, reshaping it and knitting it firmly back together. She seems to know what she's doing.

Noelle 100%, upon learning what the Geo healing specialty is, sat down and studied skeletal anatomy, then went out and practiced on broken-winged birds and such. As a knight with a Vision, it's an essential part of knightly training!

Relieved, Barbara starts to hum, pouring more of her Vision's power into the softer parts of Jean's flesh. She follows meticulously after Noelle, healing the soft tissue supported by each restored bone, wrapping blood vessels back around them and reconnecting them to the marrow within. There are poisons built up in Jean's crushed legs; she wicks them away before they have a chance to spread. Muscles and nerves have started to die; she pours blood and Hydro into them until they crackle again with life. Infection is already trying to take hold; she draws that out with the poison and chokes it ruthlessly to death. She siphons the sweat from her own skin, the moisture from the air, the saliva from her mouth. Her singing voice goes hoarser and hoarser as her throat dries out. Gloved hands hover over her Vision with ice cupped in them, and Barbara greedily draws on every bit of melting frost. Noelle, across from her, is pulling Geo energy from the stone all about at equal speed. Everything they can reach, they pour together into Jean. Bit by bit, drop by drop, they put her big sister back together.

This chunk of prose was just so fucking satisfying to write. I spent so much time at the barn thinking out the exact words and cadence. That three-sentence sequence with the semi-colons in it had to balance exactly. 'Bit by bit' spent time as 'bone by bone' and is still the most-debated line to me, but I really wanted to emphasize Barbara was leading the effort and alluding more directly to 'bone' than to 'blood' felt like it undercut that somehow.

"There," Noelle gasps, as she knits the last broken toe and the stretched-thin glow of her Geo fades. "Can I help with anything else?" "No," Barbara says, her voice even rawer. Her lips are chapped, and her mouth feels like a desert. There's nothing more her Vision can give her, or she can give her sister. A Vision's healing is powerful, but its use takes a strain on the body and mind that Barbara can see in Noelle's face, ghastly pale, and feel in her own aching flesh. Jean is still visibly bruised, her lung repaired but still collapsed, the bleeding in her skull eased away but her eyes still closed. She's breathing, Barbara tells herself. She's alive. That's all that matters.

That is all that matters! You did it! Good job, Barbara! I wanted this to feel like a massive amount of work and I do think I accomplished that.

"Will she make it?" Barbara registers Master Diluc and Sir Kaeya kneeling nearby, tense and at the ready, as if their martial prowess can do anything for Jean's wounds. Sir Kaeya claps a hand over his right eye as she looks up that doesn't hide the dried blood streaked all the way down to his chin.

Oh, right, the boys are here too. XD Also emphasizing how completely focused Barbara was--she takes the water they're making/melting for her above without any conscious awareness whatsoever of where it comes from, just that it's here and she needs it. Nothing else mattered until Jean was alive and going to stay that way.

"She's alive," she says aloud. "I'd like it if she woke up, so I could get her to use a Dandelion Breeze on herself, but... she's still alive, and mostly stable."

If this was where I'd ended the actual chapter, or had a clean scene break, it would end on 'she's still alive.' In fact, when I first wrote the first draft, it did! It felt nicely final to a very intense writing session. Then I came back the next day and had to continue the conversation (in which Diluc would never have changed the subject if he didn't feel it was safe for Jean to divert Barbara's attention), and it changed.

[euphoriabled-memes]

So Much (For) Starters.

All starters are lyrics taken from the album So Much (For) Stardust by the band Fall Out Boy, released March 24, 2023. Please feel free to change as you see fit. ( Seeing as I’ve made this meme the day this album came out, some lyrics may be incorrect. My apologies! )

Love From The Other Side

“You know I'm dying out here.”

“What would you trade the pain for?”

“You were the sunshine of my lifetime.”

“I'd never go, I just want to be invited.”

“Sending my love from the other side of the apocalypse.”

“Every lover's got a little dagger in their hand.”

“Nowhere left for us to go but Heaven.”

“Give up what you love before it does you in…”

Heartbreak Feels So Good

“No matter what they tell you, the future's up for grabs.”

“Is there a word for bad miracle?”

“Nobody said the road was endless.”

“Could we please pretend this won't end?”

“We could cry a little? Cry a lot?”

“We could dance our tears away, emancipate ourselves.”

Hold Me Like A Grudge

“When you ask how I've been, I know you mean well.”

“I guess I'm getting older 'cause I'm less pissed.”

“Silent killers are these years coming like waves.”

“You put the ‘fun’ into dysfunction.”

“Hold me like a grudge.”

“The world is always spinning, and I can't keep up.”

“Part-time soulmate, full-time problem.”

“I guess, somehow, we made it back.”

“I am a diamond on the inside, just add the pressure!”

“I thought I knew better, I thought it would get better.”

“I figured somehow by now, I would have got it together.”

“We'll do more than just get by.”

Fake Out

“Make no plans and none can be broken.”

“Do you laugh about me whenever I leave?”

“Do I just need more therapy?”

“Love is in the air, I just gotta figure out a window to break out.”

“My mood board is just pictures of you.”

“I'm not sad anymore.”

“We did it for futures that never came and for pasts that we're never gonna change.”

Heaven, Iowa

“Kiss my cheek, baby, please.”

“Would you read my eulogy?”

“I will never ask you for anything — except to dream sweet of me.”

“I will never ask you for anything.”

“Tell me when the party ends.”

“Will you still love who I am?”

“They don't know how much they’ll miss.”

“Save your breath; half your life you've been hooked on death!”

“Be careful what you bottle up.”

“I'm saving this all for later.”

So Good Right Now

“We'll drive until the engine just gives up.”

“I know I've made mistakes, but at least they were mine to make.”

“I'll be whatever you need me to be.”

“I cut myself down to whatever you need me to be.”

The Pink Seashell

“There's no point to any of this, it's all just a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes.”

“I take pleasure in the detail, you know, a, a Quarter Pounder with cheese? Those are good.”

I Am My Own Muse

“I like playing dumb, letting you figure me out.”

“I was faded, in my own defense.”

“We got to throw this year away.”

“The trumpets bring the angels, but they never came.”

“I know I keep my feelings so tucked away.”

“Just another day spent hoping we don't fall apart.”

“Let's twist the knife again like we did last summer.”

Flu Game

“I guess to you now, I'm just a face in the crowd.”

“Oh, God, kindly please, would you kill me now?”

“Carved out a place in this world for two, but it's empty without you.”

“I've got all this love I've got to keep to myself.”

“All this effort to make it look effortless.”

“I can't be who you need me to be.”

“Every candle's gotta run out of wax.”

Baby Annihilation

“Time is luck, and I wish ours overlapped more.”

“The first time I took the mask off, just had another one on underneath.”

“I'm just melted wax on a birthday cake, another year fades away.”

“If you want a job done right, you gotta do it yourself.”

“What is there between us, if not a little annihilation?”

The Kintsugi Kid (Ten Years)

“I'm pretty sure, as far as humans go, I am a hard pill to swallow.”

“I spent ten years in a bit of chemical haze and I miss the way that I felt nothing.”

“Passed my old street, the house I grew up in. It breaks your heart.”

“Four of the Ramones are dead.”

“And I miss the way that I felt nothing.”

“You don't know me anymore.”

What A Time To Be Alive

“That’s the way the world used to be before our dreams started bursting at the seams.”

“I don't care if it's pretty.”

“The view's so pretty from the deck of a sinking ship.”

“Everything is lit except my serotonin.”

“Please, I just need someone to hold me.”

“Oh, what a time to be alive.”

“They say that I should try meditation, but I don’t want to be with my own thoughts.”

“I just want to be your cherry on top.”

“when I said ‘leave me alone’ this isn't quite what I meant.”

So Much (For) Stardust

“I feel like something that's been stretched out, over and over again.”

“I don't have the guts to keep it together.”

“Life is just a game, maybe.”

“I'm stuck in a lonely loop.”

“I need the sound of crowds, or I can't fall asleep at night.”

“Another year of possibilities left unwrapped like gifts the day right after Christmas passed.”

“I'm pretty positive my pain isn't cool enough.”

“I think I've been going through it.”

“In another life, you were the sunshine of my lifetime.”

“I used to be a real go-getter.”

“I used to think it'd all get better.”

“We thought we had it all.”

[accio-victuuri]

clowning: xzs xi’an food vlog edition 🌶️

you all know the drill. for cpn-loving turtles only. don’t take it too seriously.

i honestly didn’t expect another food vlog from xz. his past adlad cities had them but it slipped my mind that he did go to a xi’an this time and spent quite a bit of time there — so we’re due another episode. i’m really thankful to xz and his team for the effort they put to share with us!

a few clowning points here ⤵️⤵️⤵️

The first one is how XZ can’t seem to handle spice well anymore, like a chongqing native should. Then you have WYB whose tolerance for spicy food increased. It could be that XZ has been living in BJ for so long that his taste has changed or maybe, he is thinking of the other person in his home who does not like spicy food. This is a long running cpn in cpf circles, that their preferences changed after spending time together. You can interpret this as a sign of a romantic relationship or not — but they definitely spent a lot of time together for their tastes to change and then be the same. except for garlic cause xz can’t really deal with that lol.

case in point, both wearing clothes that are for sun protection ( bobo’s is an ad, but he wears one in his personal time too ) and eating cold skinned noodles ( liangpi ). lol. i swear they have the same aesthetic sometimes.

we always joke that xz is the art student and wyb is the sport student — but they actually have a lot of things in common if you observe them more. Another one ZZ enjoyed was a meat bun (Roujiamo) which is a popular street food, but the cpn here is back in 2021 valentines day day they ( allegedly ) spent time together in Henan. Someone even saw Lele buying a lot of the same food and people were clowning that it’s for the two to eat as well. let me live in the fantasy that when they are together, they do this food tasting thing minus the camera recording.

and what is that? some people are pointing it out but i’m pretty sure it’s not a necklace. so funny how we panic when we see some vague clue of a personal necklace with XZ. but this is NOT it. Tho i’m still curious…. what could it be? 👀 popular guess is the string of an amulet. we know how superstitious he is so it could be.

My favorite would have to be the meme/emoticon they used, because it reminded me of what CPFs usually post. I am not sure how popular this is, and i’m positive it’s not exclusive to bxgs, but thinking about xz or his team going to CPF part of the internet and becoming fond of this meme/ emoticon makes me happy. ☺️

and well, same energy as this “incident”:

The loudest CPN being talked about tho is ZZ’s wechat video account that just opened. It’s under his studio and was opened 5/17, the day their certification was completed. What a nice coincidence that this day in the lunar calendar is 3/28. ZHAN AI BO. Also 5/17 is the international day against homophobia, transphobia and biphobia ( remember ZZ shared the song somewhere over the rainbow back in 2016. and it’s one of those 🌈 clues that cpfs

with all of ZZ’s “superstitions”, I feel like the day to open this new account was chosen. and it’s under his company Beijing Bamboo News Culture Media.

So if they already got certified that day, why wait for 5/18 to post. 18= Yibo. Not only that, on Wechat Video they posted at 20:05 which is 8:05. It’s not like weibo where the time stamp stays, users say it’s like IG that says “13 minutes ago..” but does not retain the specific time. So the screenshot below is the time was 20:10 and then XZS caption for the actual post was made 5 minutes ago, the time it was posted. 20:05. I’m not a wild kadian believer but this speaks to me. 😌😌😌

I’m excited for the next couple of days, cause hopefully we will get WDB 5/21. Which is still a rumor and who knows — will be a surprise drop. WYB allegedly going to an awards show 5/23 Huabiao Awards. Please make it happen. I’m looking forward to Movie Actor Yibo attending these kinds of awards show! 5/27 Chunzhen fanmeet with WYB @ Qingdao!!!! It’s been a while since he did something live! So this is a treat. && it’s the same month GG did his Molsion live/fan-meet too.

but wait wasn’t there rumors that xz will go to qingdao on the 27th too for condor heroes prep/training. lol. nothing is confirmed of course but it will be fun is they can be in the same city again for one day and not just in beijing.

-END.

[goodluckclove]

On Being Seen

I'll warn you in advance, friends and colleagues - I might not have quite an optimistic take on this one. In advance I'll say that I'm totally all right, there's no need to comfort or fawn or worry. It's just been a pretty crazy couple of days and it's sort of left me in a kind of perturbed state of mind.

I feel as if I've developed a reputation on Writeblr as someone strongly supportive of other writers through their struggles and successes, and I figure it might be useful to see that I speak as someone who has their fair share of doubts. Consider it a show of neurosis that supports me as your steadfast advocate in creative growth and potential.

I'll put it under a read more. It's nothing triggering I don't think, I'm just a little embarrassed to have it fully visible under what I still consider to be a relatively professional space. Or at least a space for me as a professional whose brand involves not being very professional.

Nevertheless.

I debated for a long time self-publishing Blind Trust. I went back and forth every so often for weeks, and my poor wife had to deal with the brunt of my strange excuses not to do it. It really came down to one big question, which was...why?

Why am I publishing this? And for money, no less? That's weird. Why would anybody support that? It wouldn't deter me from writing if I never published any of the Songbird Elegies. I'd still write them. I've been writing stories for almost 20 years that no one has ever read and no one will probably ever read.

Sure, I have the fantasies of relative cult notoriety. People making fanart of my characters and sharing weird memes about my plot points. Finding comfort in the words and stories I've created to comfort myself. When I was still considered schizoaffective my dad gave me a copy of Flow My Tears the Policeman Said by Philip K. Dick and said that he was "like us". If that happened to someone else with one of my books it would mean the world to me.

Then again, would it? Because in my actual, real, physical life I am terrible at taking praise. It's like trying to catch a ball from the other side of a brick wall. If you ever pass me on the street I'm guaranteed to be wearing soundproof headphones and blasting music to keep anyone from talking to me. You might catch my eye and I'll smile and nod, maybe toss a compliment your way, but if you try to have a conversation and I do not know you I will absolutely just keep walking. I can't do it.

I love people and I'm terrified of people. It's always been this way.

It's easier online. I mean it when I say that I'm open to anyone here just starting a conversation with me about anything. There's already the unspoken assumption that we're all already weird, so I don't have to think too hard about your motivations. But still, large amounts of praise and positive reinforcement make me deeply uncomfortable. I've been trying to work on that for years, but I find most advice on building self-worth deeply unhelpful.

It's not like I'd prefer hate. I think I'm just not used to being noticed either way.

This is the first time I've made an honest effort to put my work, and by proxy myself (all writers are brands now, says the publishing industry as a whole) on display online. And for the most part it's been great! I enjoy the connections I've made here. The promise of making more. There are so many skilled storytellers here that it gives me a lot of hope and excitement for the future of literature.

But it's weird. It's really weird.

Most of the time I see it as another social media client. I stand by the posts I make and do them for fun, but I also do them to maintain a presence and draw in more attention. I studied to do things like this for work before. I picked like three social media management tactics that I thought I could remember when I was 18 and just stuck by them. And then occasionally I go oh wait. This isn't some nonprofit. This isn't a start-up for tech assholes. This is me.

And that's weird.

It's not a massive following I have, but it's more than I've ever had before under my own personal and creative writing. I published short stories and articles, but I never heard anything from them. There are short stories I have on online journals that I genuinely do not know if anyone has read. Here, I see people like things and I'm like huh. I feel like a mummy or a ghoul. I do not understand what people are doing.

One part of my brain takes this information and says that it's probably proof that when I publish Blind Trust, some people will buy it. People have expressed interest already. Which means they're probably interested, I think. I post excerpts of my writing and people seem to enjoy it enough to click a button or leave a comment. That's cool. I don't get why it happens, but it's very cool and it makes me happy.

At the same time there's this undercurrent of paranoia. I don't get it. And I don't think I ever will. That's essentially been my only coping mechanism for publishing at this point - I don't know if it'll work, but I might as well try and if I do something will probably happen.

I know I'm a writer. At this point it would be ridiculous to say I wasn't. I'm a professional, working writer, and experienced enough to know that saying all that doesn't say much in terms of quality.

Am I a good writer? I don't really know what that means. I like Blind Trust. I'm reading it for the fourth time as I edit it again and I genuinely enjoy it. So someone who thinks like me and has similar tastes to myself might feel the same way. I don't really know who that person might be. Statistically I imagine they have to exist somewhere. And that there's at least a handful of them.

Imposter Syndrome is real and I don't think it ever goes away. I'd like to think that it's one of those things where you think about it less and less, and this is just the first night in maybe five months that I'm really thinking about it.

I'm not expecting to make a ton of money off my first book. In fact, I probably will be sick from anxiety with any purchase I get for the first year, because it means that someone spent human money on writing I am happy to just give them for free.

But this is going to be my job. I want this to be my job so I can spend more time doing it. Because I've dedicated so much time to doing all of this, it means I get to spend a lot of my day getting other writers to write even a little bit of their own stories. And that's so important to me.

I don't know. I don't really have a neat end to this. I'm forcing myself to actually follow through with posting it, and then to continue keeping it up even though it feels incredibly vulnerable to be, in my opinion, this self-indulgent and whiny. It's insecure. I'm still insecure. I'm in therapy and on medication and there's more shit I got to do in life.

Still, I'm telling myself that my version of being a Professional Writer is to showcase emotional pitfalls like this. Newer writers might know that you can sometimes have a night where you might not be in despair, per say, but certainly deep confusion, and then come back the next day and keep on working. I stand by what I mean when I say that the craft should not be entirely miserable. It is still maybe 25% inconvenient to me, and I am currently in that less-desirable quarter.

So what am I doing? Wife got us Jersey Mike's, so I had a yummy sandwich. Kafka is sitting on my calves, just behind my laptop monitor. I'm listening to my soul/funk playlist while Wife plays Hell Divers for the first time. Later we're going to play a board game.

But for now, I'm going to keep editing my goddamned novel.

Blind Trust out in June. Get ready people, because I'm not.

[sssammich]

1 and 2 for character ask game for... Lena and Kara actually. Am curious.

lol me too let's see what comes out of my brain! im gonna assume 1 and 2 for each of them and not 1 and 2 respectively. oh well i love to type so here we go

kara:

Why do you like or dislike this character?

oh i love that she is actually so very flawed and a little terrible if i look at her character really closely. and i think that's what makes her so much more compelling to me. she's this superhero that's meant to uphold hope, help, and compassion for all and boy does she sometimes get it wrong! she gets cowardly about stuff, she gets impulsive about her decisions, she really is the punch first think later which, you know, has consequences. she's a caped contradiction of ideals and behaviors and i like that about her so much. like, i think her cowardice in revealing herself to lena and the fact that she'll face danger head-on without a second thought for her wellness and safety sometimes in the name of saving the world is two sides of the same coin. and i think that makes for such a complex character.

Favorite canon thing about this character?

she has terrible excuses like she's the worst liar? lmao funniest thing about her tbh! also it does crack me up when she puts her hands on her waist all the time

lena:

Why do you like or dislike this character?

well im not gonna lie to you, but i have a long and established record of loving and gravitating towards rich bitch brunettes with terrible family dynamics, arguably morally gray behaviors, high aptitude and/or social capital, and who are specifically emotionally constipated with otherwise good hearts. so, it was literally a forgone conclusion.

aside from those things, i like lena because she's unwavering in her efforts. she tries and she tries and she tries. so i mean, at this point, what's not to love about a character like that?

Favorite canon thing about this character?

oh there are many it's hard to pick just one tbh but i guess one that springs up to mind is that instead of exacting revenge with destruction and mass chaos, her fix of humanity was to heal them of pain LOL like girl ok

character ask meme

[thestrangeillusion]

a get to know you better meme

Ahhh this took me more than a month to get around to doing, but I didn’t forget about it!! Thank you so much for tagging me @dummerjan! <3 <3 <3

do you make your bed? No, I don’t really see the point tbh, I’ll only be messing it up in the evening again anyway.

what's your favourite number? Umm, 7 I think? There’s not a particular reason for it though. I do have a soft spot for 21 as well for entirely SKAM related reasons haha.

what is your job? I do scientific evaluations of (primarily) government programmes.  

If you could go back to school would you? Hmm, there’s some appeal to that because I didn’t hate school and the structure and routine of it was mostly good for me, I think. But the thought of being a teenager again and being cooped up in a room with 25+ other teenagers for a minimum of 30 hours a week – no, thank you. But if school is meant in the way US-Americans sometimes use it, as in also meaning further education, then I could be convinced. I mean, I still have to write my master’s thesis, so I’m technically still a student, but I sometimes think re-doing my first couple of years of undergrad (and maybe making some better decisions lol) could be fun.

can you parallel park? Nope, I can’t even really drive anymore, I’m pretty sure, even though I do have a licence. It’s more of a glorified ID at this point because I haven’t actually driven a car in like 4 years or so and even before that I honestly wasn’t very good at it (driving or parking).

a job you had that would surprise people? Not really tbh.

do you think aliens are real? I mean I am pretty sure there are forms of life on other planets, since some of them have been found to have inhabitable environments. If it’s intelligent life I don’t really feel qualified to say although, if I remember correctly, one of my good friends who’s doing a PhD in astrophysics and is one of the smartest people I know once made a pretty convincing argument for it (but I have since forgotten what the argument was lol).

can you drive a manual car? Refer to the question about parallel parking above. I learned to drive in a manual car (I’ve actually never driven an automatic), but I’m fairly sure I don’t actually know how to do it anymore.

what's your guilty pleasure? That’s a difficult question. Reading fucked up smut fics is definitely one of them, I guess. Also does pissing away many of my weekends by staying in bed all day and reading or writing fanfics instead of putting effort into having a social life count? Because I also do that and I do enjoy it, but it’s painful whenever anyone asks what I did on the weekend lol. There’s only so many times you can say “Nothing much” tbh.

tattoos? I like them on other people, mostly. My cousin has a full back tattoo in colour and is slowly adding onto it so that it expands to her arms and sides and I always love seeing which new piece she’s gotten tattooed since I last saw her. It just suits her really well and she’s super passionate about the motive and I love that. And I think that’s where the problem lies for me, I just don’t have any motive or phrase or whatever that I am passionate enough about to permanently put on my body tbh. Also, I am scared of pain and needles, so…

favourite colour? Burgundy.

favourite type of music? Ooof that’s hard to answer, I listen to so many different types of music. One genre I’ve liked pretty consistently from my early teens until now is (mostly British) indie rock and alternative rock – I really like Muse, Placebo, Arctic Monkeys, The Libertines and Nothing But Thieves, for example. And I’ve been to quite a few tiny club concerts of that genre because I know I’ll enjoy it even if I don’t know the band or any of their songs beforehand.

And then I also go through intense music phases mostly related to TV shows I love – it started when I was like 13 watching Gossip Girl and obsessively listening to Death Cab for Cutie, Bloc Party and Sum 41 to when I watched SKAM and got very into Norwegian music (the Norwegian singer/rapper Cezinando still features consistently in my top Spotify artists and has done so since 2017). And now that I’m watching Thai BLs, I started with an obsession about Jeff Satur’s music (and listened to nothing else for like 2 months) and am now gradually venturing out into discovering other Asian music (I’m really enjoying WOODZ, Hua Chen Yu and Violette Wautier so far). So that was a lot of rambling, but still barely covers half of what I actually love listening to…

do you like puzzles? I haven’t done puzzles in aaages, but I have very fond childhood memories of doing them with my grandparents on NYE while waiting for midnight. I think I would still enjoy them if I did them now.

any phobias? Not really. Stuff I’m pretty scared of, sure, but no full-blown phobias.

favourite childhood sport? Hmm, in terms of the sports we played in school, I really enjoyed “Völkerball” (which I’m pretty sure vaguely translates to dodgeball, but I don’t think it’s entirely the same thing). The only problem was that I was really good at dodging the ball and never getting hit, but very, very bad at catching the ball or hitting other people with it, so I could never actually end the game by taking out people on the other team either.

I only started in my teens, but I also really enjoyed (and still enjoy) climbing and bouldering. And my family went skiing every winter when I was a child, which I hated at first, but started to enjoy in my early teens when I didn’t have to do lessons with a bunch of other kids tumbling down the mountain anymore.

do you talk to yourself? All the time in my mind, and sometimes out loud when I’m on my own (particularly when I’m frustrated about something).

what movie(s) do you adore? I actually really love heartwarming feel-good movies tbh. One of my favourite movies is Pride (2014) because it just radiates so much joy and solidarity and a will to live and make things better that always lifts my mood. And I can’t even tell you the amount of times I’ve rewatched Mamma Mia. Another genre of movies I seem to enjoy is movies about female rage a.k.a. women going batshit crazy but being totally justified in it, such as Promising Young Woman or Gone Girl. I do generally prefer watching TV shows to movies, though.

coffee or tea? I get the jitters and become hyperactive in a really uncomfortable way when I drink coffee, so I rarely do. I mostly drink black tea or Mate for the purpose of waking me up.

first thing you wanted to be growing up? Well, according to old friendship book entries, I first wanted to be a princess (until my mum bought me a book about the Habsburgs and I quickly abandoned the idea, which I think was the point) and after that a cook.

Tagging @crumchycow, @mightymightygnomepriest, @salamander89, @fiddlepickdouglas, @obscurecurse

and @lilmaemae and anyone else who wants to do it 😊

[apatchworkstar]

Hi! This is the second part of the first tarot spread within MeMe, specifically cards 6 through to 8 (likely of three, though you know how big these things can get; especially when it’s a deep dive!). You may be asking “This isn’t the person who posted the first couple of posts, why are you doing this?” and well. @gunsli-01​/ @archivalofsins​ and I figured it might be a fun idea to alternate which blog each part of the tarot readings are on! The prior posts to be put up on her blog, then some on mine. That being said, this is mostly her words, with the occasional interjection from me.

I hope that you enjoy what is here, and a thanks in advance!

Previous posts:

Here

Here

Here

6/Below Subconscious: Ten of Wands Reversed

Wands in Mikoto’s tarot deck is represented by baseball bats. A different type of wand where, with just a wave of your arms, whatever problem you face will magically be replaced with a new, easier to solve problem. That is, if you’re good at disposing of a body of course. Something one of the Mikotos seems to be pretty decent at. So, hooray!

At a point the fandom is really going to have to discuss Mikoto and Amane comparing metal bludgeoning weapons like bats and metal pipes to wands

(Star here! A branch off point to the above is the fact that baseball and the idea of magical girl groups can be paralleled with the way of living both Mikoto and Amane have. To be more specific, the idea that they are expected to gain victory/success all the time + the idea of being a smaller part in a larger ‘team’ that has to run like a well-oiled machine to function properly and the pressure that comes with it.

Mikoto’s struggles can be compared to baseball in the sense that he’s consistently expected to put in as much physical and mental effort to secure the main goal of the group. This is to the point of putting these pressures on himself and observing other people’s behaviors with that in mind. A prime example of this is when he tells Fuuta that his behavior is attention-seeking:

Mikoto: Hey, it’s kinda a bother having you be so angry and tense all the time. You should stop trying get everyone to pay attention to you. You’re a uni student, right? You can’t act like that once you start working properly.

Futa: Huh!? Shut up. Not like I care what you say. Even though we’re in this shitty situation, you’re just chatting away, it’s stupid. Aren’t you the one who’s acting out of place here? ……also the fact you give everyone nicknames is just gross.

Mikoto: *sigh* It’s more stupid to be taking this all so seriously. I mean, it’s definitely just a reality TV program. There’s no way a real prison exists that’s this lax. Also, I don’t give nicknames to everyone. I don’t give them to young kids like Amane, or to the hard-to-approach types like Shidou-san. I mean, I’m not giving you one, right?

Futa: ……oi, which group are you trying to say I am?

He goes by the ideals that in a more adult based world {i.e. within a working force as opposed to an educational setting} not only are you meant to carry your own weight, but you’re also supposed to make things go as smoothly as you can for others and make sure your effort doesn’t go to waste. This is something he is called out for by Yuno when she asks about if it’s tiring to smile so much:

Yuno: Hey, Mikoto-san. Don’t you get tired being so conscious of others all the time? I mean, you’re free to do what you want though.

Mikoto: Eh…… Aha, what are you talking about? I’m not being conscious or anything. It’s normal to make sure to get along with everyone, right? I mean, when you put it like that, aren’t you the same, Yun-chan? You’re always smiling and getting on with everyone too.

Yuno: I don’t smile unless I actually want to. But with you, when you’re talking with other people it’s more like you only smile deliberately. So I kept thinking, don’t your cheeks get tired?

Ah, is this just what happens when you become a working adult? ……you see people like that sometimes.

Mikoto: Haha, you don’t mince your words do you.…….that was never my intention, but now that you mention it, yeah, I guess I do. This might’ve been since I started my job too…… But like, if I was rude to everyone I met, all my efforts would come to nothing, right?

A character example of what I mean, at least with baseball, is Yamamoto Takeshi from Katekyou Hitman Reborn! Specifically, his introduction. For those of you who don’t know, in the manga Yamamoto is introduced as a mainstay character when he picks the protagonist to be on his team for P.E.. After they lose, he helps the protagonist and ends up asking him for advice. As it turns out, he’s worried about holding his team back because it seems no matter how much he tries, his skill at baseball is diminishing. The protagonist suggests putting in more effort and he agrees, saying that he’ll stay behind to do practice more. The next day, he’s at the top of the roof wanting to jump because in overexerting himself, he broke his arm. This, in terms of the team he’s in, makes him an immediate detriment as opposed to where he was before. At least then, he was still able to play, even if there was a feeling of stagnation.

Amane’s is more comparable to the ideals and moral standards that magical girls are stereotypically held to. This can be paralleled to how the members of her cult hold her to a certain standard and level of belief even if she {at least initially} didn’t subscribe to those beliefs herself.)

Now, it’s the ten of wands. How much can the card vary outside of the baseball bats? Well, that’s the trickiest part about the wand cards. The depiction of wands varies greatly based on what tarot decks an individual uses. However, the wands are generally represented with a stick of some kind. The thing that changes the most is the position the wands are shown in, just as we see here with Mikoto’s variant.

The ten of wands is usually portrayed by a person carrying a large bundle of sticks in their arms, being noticeably burdened by it as they head towards a town. How the wands are carried and what they are made of tend to vary. However, they tend to be carried by a person.

This is noticeably not the case in Mikoto’s version where the wands are holding themselves up.

They almost resemble a mock bridge or passage. I wish I had something to connect this back to, but at this time I don’t. I can’t really grasp what would make Mikoto or the staff design this card this way.

(Star here again! And I’m just jumping in real quick to posit a guess; it looks like those gates at level crossings.

A level crossing is where a railway crosses a road or right of way on the level; that means without the use of a tunnel or bridge. This includes footpaths, bridleways and cycle ways.

The gates are there to prevent people going over it when a train is incoming. And where does at least part of his crime take place~?)

The sixth card in a Celtic spread is meant to represent the subconscious state of the asker. The Ten of Wands usually represents that the asker has completed a trial of sorts or is getting out of a period of struggle, the querent reaching success afterwards. Even though that may sound all well and good, this newfound success comes with new responsibilities. As such, the Ten of Wands also alludes to the querent facing new challenges and becoming the go to problem solver in relationships.

However, since it’s in reverse the meaning changes completely. It warns the asker that they are becoming burdened or constricted by things that are not a necessity within their life. Advising that they find the matters that won’t bring them any happiness, even if they were resolved successfully and drop them completely. If it doesn’t add value to the querent’s life, then it needs to go. Once gotten rid of, the querent will have sobriety of thought and move forwards in a more accurate way.

Now, Mikoto’s conscious and subconscious are completely out of whack, right? Not surprising, one’s outward appearance rarely perfectly reflects their inner self. Yet, the dissonance between these two states is concerning.

Outwardly, Mikoto is attempting to be amicable but according to this card, on some subconscious level, he knows that doing such a thing isn’t beneficial to him. Not just emotionally, but in any actual way. It brings no value to his life to behave in this fashion but he’s consciously pushing forward with it anyway and continuing to bite his tongue. When really, he should just let it out and be done with it.

“You don’t have to keep it in and hide it away.”

7/Advice or Your Influence: King of Cups Reversed

The King of Cups in Mikoto’s tarot deck is represented by several cups scattered behind the word King.

In some tarot decks the King of Cups has been depicted with fair hair, warm blue eyes and covered in blue armor with orange wings with what has been said to be their personal symbol, the peacock, adorning their crown while riding a horse. The cup they hold either having a crab inside of it or adorning the vessel in reference to the Astrological sign Cancer. It’s horse, implied to be graceful and steady, able to prance across the waters without ever disturbing the fish jumping about its hooves. The background of the card being violet, a mix of red and blue. This is meant to depict a combination or union between the elements Water and Fire.

As impressive as that sounds and how much I would love to see Mikoto depicted like that, either one of them to be honest… Nowadays, the King of Cups is more commonly depicted by a King sitting on their throne, wearing a fish amulet and surrounded by water on all sides. Sound familiar-?

(Since Gunsli brought up how Mikoto mirrors the King of Cups, I feel this is the perfect time to go into how Mikoto and Muu both have associations with royalty but in different manners. Mikoto is associated with royalty in the sense that he’s a “King of the People”. In other words, the type of royalty that works for the people. Their power comes from how liked they are within the general populace. On one hand, having this type of power means that they’d be generally well liked but on the other, it means their capacity to keep said power is far less stable than other types of leadership. Since it’s dependent on how the larger populace favours them, it means the less they are liked, the less influence they have to throw around. The line that best showcases this idea in conjunction with this reading of the king of cups is this one:

All those ridiculous accusations / Hurting it, holding it down, it doesn't change anything, does it

However, Muu’s association with royalty is more akin to the concept of “Divine Right”, as shown blatantly with this line:

I told you I’m queen, and it’s always the same/ God gave me everything, everything is as I wish

For those who don’t know, divine right in terms of royalty is the idea that the person in power was pre-ordained to rule by god, and thus chosen and shaped in their image. It’s considered that those chosen by such a rule have no need to answer to any form of democracy or the regular populace since their status has already been ‘chosen’ by a higher power. Instead, they can only be judged by the ‘god’ that considered them worthy of power to begin with and those who act against them are considered sacrilegious:

Don’t you think it’s wonderful to control them with my gentle sting/ If you want to betray from jealousy/ You know what’s gonna happen ON YOU

Despite this, she tries to come off as a “King of the People” in After Pain, highlighting the lack of esteem she has in everyone’s eyes now, and how that has made her feel as though her influence lacks power because no one wants her around anymore.

If I was gone, If I had just disappeared/ I overheard, I found out/ How much I’m not needed

My sorry spells must be wearing off/ But I guess some of it is my fault/ Maybe it’s ok as it is/ I want to feel “alive”, is it ok if I breathe?/ Tell me

If you’re going to make me the villain/ It’s ok to ignore me/ If it’s endurance, I’m used to it./ It’s just having another taste of it

This makes the snippet that we got of Mikoto’s next song fairly interesting. After all…

I should have saved you, but why are you crying?/ Rely on me, praise me with your song, I am your savior

...What is a god, but a savior to the masses?)

In the background of the card to the left, fish can be seen jumping about. On the right side, there is a ship sailing the waters. The fish in the background and the amulet the King of Cups wears is meant to represent their creativity and spirit. Both of which is implied to be sustained by the water surrounding them.

The boat and fish within the background is meant to represent the balance between the emotional and material realms. This depiction is meant to illustrate that the King of Cups has a handle of things and the querent has learned not to suppress their emotions or impulses instead recognizing and dealing with them in a controlled balanced manner.

I bet a lot of people started to understand why it’s reversed now. Also, modernly the King of Cups tends to be more associated with the Astrological sign Scorpio. The water sign generally depicted as being fiery.

The King of Cups is known as The Lord of The Waves and Water, The King of Undines and Nymphs, and The Fire of Water. It is the most active and aggressive out of all the royal tarot cards to be associated with water. For some time, Water has been used to represent the subconscious of the human mind, and The King of Cups is no exception. It is said to represent the creative spark of humanity that ignites and gives birth to unconscious images. In a way, representing the imagination or, if one wishes to think of it from a more negative perspective, intrusive thoughts.

When in the Upright position the King of Cups represents the querent’s abilities to restrain their emotions. Showing that they are in full control of their feelings and impulses and the relationship between their feelings and reasoning is balanced and fair. However, as we all know, the King of Cups appears here in its reversed form. It’s much darker and complicated evil for- nah, I’m sorry, I’ll stop blowing things out of proportion. I’m just happy to be getting back to this after the whole Mu situation.

It's not that bad. Ha, ha, it’s worse… Now I left something out about the King of Cups upright meaning. It’s not just about having a reign on both one’s feelings and logical reasoning. It is also connected to understanding or being aware of oneself. Sure, one can usually objectively believe that what they’ve done or how they’ve done it may be irrational but knowing for certain why they responded that way can be a murky endeavor. One can also emotionally discern when logic does not serve their emotional health/security or when their personal feelings aren’t being considered due to the logic being used.

Being able to actively take into account one’s emotions and then apply logic to them takes a level of personal understanding and recognition that Mikoto has admitted to lacking already. If one doesn’t have that type of emotional understanding of themselves, they are more likely to invalidate their emotions or if they have too much of an understanding of themselves invalidate logic. This is why the balance that The King of Cups alludes to is so important.

Because if it’s broken, one state of thinking will be valued over the other which will ultimately lead to dysfunction of some kind.

Now when you reverse The King of Cups- The King already said to be the most aggressive of the royal water cards residing in the tarot- you get one hell of a tyrant. It’s time to get aggressive.

People not listening? Time to make them listen through emotional manipulation. Get volatile. Huh, members of the court are saying the king seems moody. Don’t fret about that. They’re wrong; what do they know? They came asking, seeking council, right? If they don’t like the answer they received, doesn’t that mean they weren’t truly seeking an answer to begin with, just validation of their beliefs? At that point they shouldn’t have even asked! How dare they waste the King’s time.

Aren’t people who come begging for guidance and then complain about the advice given the literal worst? The trash of society, actually. The King is being nice by just listening and they still want more. Greedy ass, self-absorbed, peasants; don’t they see the King is swamped already? When are they going to listen to King, huh?!

In fact, they’ve got a lot of nerve even questioning the King! What is this, a coup?!

So, we’re in a bit of dangerous territory now. The King of Cups is all out of sorts. The balance they had before has completely deteriorated. They’ve lost their ability to handle any situation with compassion and wisdom, having difficulties when it comes to dealing with everyone seeking their help. They may appear kind and understanding to some and cold and dismissive to others.

They may now be using all their communicative talents and emotional knowledge in questionable ways. Manipulating the people around them and their circumstances to create their ideal situation.

Depending on the reading, this could be the querent themselves or represent someone else within their life. However, this is the seventh card in a Celtic Tarot spread and this is one of the cards that remains consistent between the two spreads.

It can either be representative of advice for the querent or the querent’s own influence. Now I wouldn’t blame anyone for believing Your Influence means how Mikoto impacted his circumstance but it’s not that. It’s his influence on himself.

To be more specific, this card can be read to represent how the querent views themselves and how that is affecting the situation overall. Before going into that heavy topic, let’s talk about the card from an advice standpoint.

First, let’s take the interpretation from the angle that the King of Cups isn’t referring to Mikoto himself but someone else within his life.

If that is the case, then The King of Cups could be advising Mikoto to be careful because someone within his life isn’t acting in good faith. Instead, someone is manipulating his situation to suit their own means. So, even if he isn’t yet aware of how this is being done or by who, he should be diligent and question any favors being asked of him or even any spontaneous favors being done for him.

In every situation he should be pondering things like, “Is this too good to be true?”, “How does this help me?”, “How does it help them?”, “Why would they want to do something like this?” etc. In order to avoid possibly being taken advantage of. It also implies that the person in his life that has become this way was not always like that. They usually had a grasp of their emotions and responded to things calmly. However, lately they have become manipulative and emotionally controlling.

They are seeking vengeance and vindication, an impulse they’d usually be able to control. All for the aim of administering punishment.

This card stays the same throughout the spreads because Mikoto’s situation hasn’t changed; only the person or system administering punishment has. Mikoto possibly went from one form of punishment directly to another. Something that could be supported by the repeated use of this line,

“I won’t forgive you if this is happening to me even though I’m right.”

“So, I will NEVER forgive you if this is happening to me even though I’m right.”

The only line both Mikoto’s seem to agree on and sing being one that implies they’re being disproportionately or wrongfully punished is definitely something that the tarot highlights more. Especially given how this card stays consistent throughout both spreads, but the meaning changes greatly based on the last card in the second spread being Death, a sign of new beginnings and chances.

Even though there is a chance of him being incorrectly punished, there is also a high chance that he’ll be able to get a second chance and start fresh. Which is literally what voting in Milgram is about.

So, while I personally believe this is the correct interpretation. As always, we’re going to go through every possible option.

This card could also be representative of Mikoto. In that case, it would be advising him that his perspective has become too skewed in one direction. He’s no longer thinking of the consequences of his actions or how they may affect others. Anger and the idea of getting revenge is restricting his judgement. Even though following through on this impulse would feel great or vindicating in the short term, it won’t go well in the long run.

It advises him to try to regain balance between his logic and emotions again. When it comes to careers, a focus of Mikoto’s, this card can also allude to continuing to work somewhere even though it is no longer fulfilling. It’s basically another sign that he needs to introspect and take stock of his emotions before acting in any way. Similarly to what the Five of Swords advised.

Now, the last and most interesting of the interpretations one can draw from this card in the Celtic Spread is this being how Mikoto views himself and how it impacts his situation.

By that logic, that would mean Mikoto thinks he’s a rather terrible and demanding person. This would also explain the gap between his conscious and subconscious as depicted by the cards drawn.

His Conscious card alluding to the fact that he’s attempting to remain amicable while his Subconscious one suggests he knows that behaving this way is unbeneficial. These two states of being begin to make some sense if we consider this card as representing his feelings towards himself. If he already believes he’s being demanding or too much, he wouldn’t really start asking for more or complaining about his situation. More than likely, he'd lean into being more amicable and useful just to feel like he’s not being troublesome and, in some way, justify being where he’s managed to get.

This would create a cycle of overworking to prove his own worth then feeling taken advantage of as a result. Ultimately, feeling like a worse or more demanding person because if he didn’t want to do these things he could’ve just said no, he could’ve just stopped. That was always an option and logically he has no one but himself to blame for not taking it. However, the imbalance between his emotional state removes saying “No” from the table entirely.

Let’s go back to the Queen of Swords. Yeah, remember how the Queen of Swords basically suggested Mikoto had an issue but was incapable of conveying it? This card gives us a clearer understanding of what that issue is. In fact, this card may be the last piece to discern what the conflict was.

From all the information we have on Mikoto- The new job, the tarot cards, the lyrics in MeMe; they all point to one thing. Mikoto was accepted to what should have been his dream job. His goal all along, a respectable job at a highly renowned company. It’s everything he’d been working towards but he was never working towards getting that job while taking himself fully into consideration. He didn’t want this job. He was just acting logically while ignoring his feelings on the matter.

In the Portal Timeline Post from 20/07/15 during a conversation with Amane; Mikoto says this when asked if he feels studying is enjoyable,

“Not at all! It’s just a means to an end. I only did the bare minimum needed to get into a good company. Even when it came to enrolling into college I sought out an arts university with low subject requirements. Then from there I studied curation and- Uh, you probably wouldn’t know what any of those terms are yet, huh? Hmm, since your way of speaking is so mature, I sometimes forget I need to explain myself properly instead of assuming you’d just know.”*

After being assured by Amane that if there’s anything she wants more clarity on she’ll just look into it herself and asked if he’s good at drawing he responds,

“No, not really… Of course I could do the bare minimum needed to pass the entrance exam though. Even though it’s considered an arts university, there’s still subjects where one wouldn’t need to draw at all. I’m the sort of person that likes to keep things efficient if I can. So, I worked backwards. First I looked into what sort of occupation I wanted to go into then chose subjects related to that occupation to study like direction and management~ …Ah, wait I’m doing it again…”*

*The translation here has been altered by me to add more clarity the direct translation can be found here.

How does this show that Mikoto wasn’t taking into account his personal feelings when it came to pursuing his occupation? He never really says or shows enthusiasm towards the occupation he chose. He doesn’t really particularly believe he’s good at art. His focus when discussing studying wasn’t enjoyment of the process but instead a focus on a particular outcome. That outcome being employment.

Mikoto’s main focus throughout his school life wasn’t finding anything he enjoyed doing but finding the most secure path to stable employment.

This sort of mentality is commonly found in individuals who grew up in households that underwent financial stress or were impoverished. A more recent and extreme example of this mentality has been Kobeni from Chainsaw Man. However, I’m not suggesting Mikoto’s case is that extreme in the slightest.

Kobeni is forced to work life endangering and degrading jobs and send all her money back to her family to support her other siblings. Her situation is extreme and clear fiscal abuse. However, Mikoto isn’t as far off from Kobeni as one would believe.

Did you know that children raised in poverty tend to become adults with an inclination towards more extravagant items? They spend more than their peers who were more well off than them once reaching adulthood. This is due to a lot of factors. However, to put it simply once they get a job of their own and have fiscal security and control some will play catch up trying to experience all the things they didn’t get to growing up.

Like going on trips to amusement parks, buying video game consoles, expensive phones, clothing. They could even begin to enjoy shopping as a hobby even favoring expensive/luxury items that they may have had very little access to while younger like bubble tea, horse-meat sashimi. All things Mikoto admits to liking in his interrogation.

Q.18 What are your favorite foods?

Mikoto: Horse-meat sashimi, pasta and bubble tea.

Q.07 What are your hobbies?

Mikoto: shopping / darts / photography / cycling

Many children who grow up in poverty aren’t afforded the same emotional luxuries as their wealthier counterparts. This includes individuals that are not only rich but the middle class as well. Living outside of poverty allows many people to have hope in their futures and the belief that they have more than one option.

This leads to the next issue with growing up in poverty. People’s parents expect them to do better than they did. At times, even seeing their children not as children but a means to get themselves out of poverty. There’s this pressure, intended or not, to do well and not cause problems. Because the child usually sees how their parents struggle financially and either wish to avoid making them worry or avoid turning out like them.

Q.16 What’s your relationship like with your parents?

Mikoto: My parents are divorced. I get along well with my mother though, she’s the one who raised me. I don’t want to make her worry.

This could end up making a person continually feel the need to validate their worth through material objects and accolades.

Q.08 What’s the most rewarding part of your current job?

Mikoto: I mean, it’s the top advertising agency in the industry? Anyone would be proud to be a part of it. I put a lot of work in just to get here, too.

Because these accolades and expensive purchases serve to show their peers that they’re not helplessly unrefined, they’re not broke, they are a fully grown self-sustainable adult. They can afford to eat an expensive dish or two and of course they’re fashionable. That’s just to be expected. I mean, come on they aren’t that helpless or unpopular. It’s only natural that they can do this much.

Ever heard the saying a poor man acts rich but a rich man acts poor? Or as the bible put it; One man pretends to be rich but has nothing; another pretends to be poor but has great wealth? It’s this concept, personified.

To appear on the same level as one’s peers one will flaunt wealth they don’t have. Some African Americans even refer to this as keeping up with the Jones’.

Isn’t it odd that Mikoto seems to have such expensive taste but lives in a minimalistic apartment with a record player on the cheaper side and throughout his MV we see him wearing the same outfit each day? Despite many of the others within Milgram, outside of Mu who’s in uniform for the most part, changing clothes multiple times. Even Futa is shown to have a closet of clothes in his MV. We see Mikoto wearing the same outfit outside and evening wear throughout all of MeMe.

Though maybe we’ll see him in some other clothes during Double.

The only things within his apartment are what appears to be a fold out couch, a single or “Double” sized bed, a desk off in the corner given the chair, and his television and the stand it’s on which is literally not a stand but a table.

It’s the other table we see within his mental space at the beginning of MeMe.

If he works from home, then the most expensive thing in his home would be his apple computer that we see on the desk he’s resting on in Undercover.

If that is, in fact, located within an office at his company and not within his home the most expensive thing that he owns is his television.

Now that I think about it, aren’t some of Mikoto’s hobbies strange, like maybe the way he gets to work?

To continue to put up an appearance of affluence, many people will sacrifice certain modern luxuries. You know, like biking instead of taking the train to work. In Japan, depending on the district, the train costs money. Money that Mikoto may not be able to afford.

Just like with buses in the states. Some people may find a one-time expense like buying a bike more beneficial and financially efficient in the long term than paying the fare each day or getting a car, which is expensive by itself and requires one to constantly pay for gas. Considering all this, it is likely that Mikoto grew up in a not so financially stable situation.

This would, of course, cause him to have more anxieties around losing his job and falling back into poverty as a result than being wrongfully arrested for murder. Did you know poor people are falsely imprisoned for crimes all the time? Just from being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The wrong place usually being the neighborhoods they live in.

This could easily tie into what Mikoto says when he says Es and Milgram are mistaken. He proposes that they “Um, they got the wrong person. I can’t imagine they’d know the details of what we look like. They mistook me for someone else in terms of gender or clothing style. Something along those lines.”

Mikoto comes out the gate saying he was wrongfully profiled and is now undergoing a false arrest. Which, at least when concerning US law is completely true. Everyone being in Milgram would be considered a false arrest. Technically, they don’t have enough probable cause to arrest any of them, let alone incarcerate them for long stretches of time. Mikoto and Amane seem to be the ones who notice this the fastest. They also don’t share this information with the class.

Kazui assumes Milgram is tied to an organization of some sort- possibly military related- and is afraid to see who’s pulling the strings. His assumption leans towards the concept of higher governmental powers being associated with Milgram. Kotoko’s volition to align herself with the system showcases that her and Kazui may be a bit more delusional than Mikoto or Amane. The fact that Kazui and Kotoko hold Milgram in high regard is indicative of their own self-aggrandizing natures.

Mikoto and Amane, two people who seem to have been humbled by life, know for certain that the system doesn’t care enough about them to intervene here. Amane, from the situation with her family’s cult, and Mikoto from literally just being alive, at all. Jackalope says Mikoto is like mass-produced goods in the version of Es’ voice drama translation that I’ve seen. The closest thing to that in American English and what I took it to mean was that Mikoto was a dime a dozen.

Kazui and Kotoko both think since this facility caught them then it must be strong. It has to be tied to something important, meaning it can either give them the power or the punishment they’re seeking. “Why would they or their individual actions matter to a facility such as that?” Is a question that never once occurs to them while thinking over what Milgram may or may not be. The both of them willfully fail to grasp what Es has been saying, that Milgram is Milgram and is disconnected from the law that they know.

There are so many people out there like Mikoto that we’d just refer to them as society at that point. Yet, that makes him easily replaceable; he’s not exceptional or one in a million. He’s not special and Jackalope asserts this immediately. It doesn’t matter how many talents Mikoto has or how hard he works. In every system, he’s just an office worker, the smallest cog in the world’s biggest machine where you’re either hated by people unluckier than you (the unemployed) or belittled and harassed by those above you (management, CEOs, rich people).

Because far be it for an office worker to complain about workload or long hours. Did they forget how replaceable they are? They should be happy companies don’t have a machine do all their work to save on costs of labor. The company’s money puts food on their table and keeps their utilities on. So, be happy because it could just as easily find someone more grateful to sit in that chair you’ve grown so used to. The company works you like a dog, feeds you scraps, and if you whine or cause trouble takes you out back to put you down.

That’s just how business works. Then on top of that, he has these kids asking him why he’s such a sellout/kiss ass. Going I only smile when I want to smile. Well good for you. Then at the notion that behaving in this way may be necessary for survival for some adults just going being an adult is tough, huh? Not for everyone.

Not for most of the people in Milgram actually. It wouldn’t even be difficult for Futa to get a job out of college given that his father could give him a recommendation. He could even buff up his resume by doing some work for his older sister as well if necessary. Mu’s family is rich and Yuno’s family is well off, given she admits to living not just with her mom and brother but both of her grandparents as well. That’s at least five people under one roof and she still has her own separate bedroom as seen in Umbilical.

Kazui has been discrete about showing his home life and I kind of doubt the flat we see in Half is where he lives. Yet, even if it is, he’s living in a more affluent complex than Mikoto. He’s in a high-rise with a balcony. His first trial song implies he goes to see stage plays and he wears expensive suits while on stage. Kazui is good, he’s doing fine. That’s not even going into how difficult it is to retire in most countries now but he’s just sitting on his ass at home before he winds up in Milgram to his own admission at 39 years old.

Q.15 What time do you go to sleep and wake up?

Kazui: Since I’m not working, I’m able to do whatever I feel like. I just sleep when I feel tired, and I usually wake up in the morning sometime.

There are people in their seventies still working in Japan. He's not even that fucking old, how does he have this much free time?! What the fuck did he do for a living to retire before fifty?! The fact that he studied multiple forms of martial arts speaks for how well off he was. Since training in those costs money and he trained in three forms of them. His family is probably also rich and that’s the reason he’d be a disappointment to them.

If they put all this money into his upbringing and he’s just a playboy, yeah, I’d be disappointed too. Even worse, he could be at home with a bunch of free time because his family ran a company and he’s now inherited their wealth. He said they considered him an embarrassment, not that they disowned him! Hell, if they consider him such an embarrassment and they’re established in any way they could just as easily be sending him money, so he stays out of trouble or at least doesn’t bring trouble to them.

Despite saying his family considers him an embarrassment he goes on to say his family structure is only him now. Which is vague because they can’t find you an embarrassment if they aren’t around anymore. A lot of Kazui’s answers conflict with each other. Though in this case, family could be referring to two different types, like the family that raised him and then the family he created himself. He also mentions his friend multiple times.

Saying that he has a childhood friend he looks up to and respects. Yet when asked, “Who do you want to see right now?” he answers, “They won’t see me anymore.” It’s implied later from question 17 that Kazui’s friend isn’t the one that won’t see him anymore since he answers, “Relax and go trawling. The childhood friend I mentioned before has a boat.”

I don’t know why anyone who knows someone won’t see them anymore would make plans with them if the world was ending.

Though let’s save all of Kazui’s inconsistencies for later. Basically, everyone else in Milgram is here like good thing we’re all middle class with big homes that have multiple rooms, being given allowances by our parents, or just still living with them. That or they are expressly rich in some cases. Oh, or they’re doctors, going to law school, or an old man that went to a sports university who openly states he has nothing but free time now anyway.

If I was there and wasn’t trying to be nice or understanding, I would want to kill everyone in that prison outside Amane. These well-off bastards really did just kill people because they were fucking bored or offended. Then some have the audacity to go why not just speak/behave honestly? Hm, maybe because saying what one really feels can get them fired and there’s a very small divider between unemployment and homelessness.

This dude is in Milgram like ha, ha funny joke guys if I don’t get to work soon though I will end up homeless- I’ll have to move back in with my mother at best, showing her that I’m a failure as a son and person who couldn’t hack it as an adult or at worst, live on the street. Ha, ha if I lose my job, you better take responsibility warden. Every hour this dude spends in Milgram is an hour he is not getting paid. It's been two years; his shit is probably on the street or was taken by his landlord if it was worth enough.

Even though the everyone is dead theory would be the most boring resolution to this debacle, I hope it’s true because he definitely has nowhere to go back to at this point. I was recently joking about Mikoto’s landlord being Mu’s dad. He’s probably already exported all Mikoto’s furniture.

Now, in 2022 the homeless population in Japan was rounded off to be 0%. This is because the homeless population in Japan currently sits at a little over three thousand people. This is far less than other countries but the 0% here does not mean no homeless individuals exist. This drop in homelessness was related to the pandemic. In response to Covid-19 cybercafes in Japan were shutdown. This was a bit of an issue since most of the homeless there used these cafes for shelter.

In order to fix this issue, they allowed homeless people to take residence in empty hotels and began working on reforms to fight against homelessness. Which is great news, but Mikoto wouldn’t know that. So, his concern is very much still valid. If he believes he didn’t kill anyone and this mistake will all be sorted out of course it makes more sense for him to concern himself with what may happen after.

Viewing it that way, it is reasonable for this to be his biggest concern. Because he can’t live here forever, and he has responsibilities as he keeps saying; HE’S A WORKING ADULT!

Unlike everyone else within Milgram. Kazui has no job, Shidou has job security and is considered an essential worker outside of Milgram, and EVERYONE ELSE IS NOT A WORKING ADULT! Even counting Yuno for the work she does- She’s more financially well off than Mikoto and still living with her family. It would be nice for people to grasp what it means to have your entire life and fiscal safety banking on who likes you or how well you perform. Along with the amount of mental stress that can put a person under.

This ties into the first interpretation of the King of Cups as well. Where we went over why this card possibly remains the same throughout both readings, “This card stays the same because throughout the spreads Mikoto’s situation hasn’t changed only the person or system administering punishment has.”

In the end Mikoto has still moved from one situation where he had no control over his life or feelings to another.

Before Mikoto is brought into Milgram, he’s just a 23-year-old office employee that lives alone in a small apartment. He has no one to financially depend on but himself. Unlike other characters. He either doesn’t have this support because he doesn’t want to make his family worry and hasn’t asked, or his family doesn’t have it like that anyway and wouldn’t be able to help. He didn’t live his life this way because of low self-esteem or a lack of faith in himself.

It was a meticulously planned out response for the sole purpose of avoiding poverty. He literally could not afford to dream.

Okay, okay Gunsli but is poverty in Japan really that similar to that in other countries? Well according to Japan Today, The Nippon Foundation, and The Borgen Project; yes. Yes, it is.

An article on The Borgen Project website titled “10 Facts about Poverty in Japan” from July 12 of 2020 states,

“1. Less than one percent of Japan is homeless. As of 2018, Japan has a population of 126.5 million people. According to the latest Ministry of Health, Labor, and Welfare statistics, Japan’s current homelessness figure stands below 5,000. This is a steady decline from nearly 26,000 people without homes in 2003. While this appears to be a remarkable feat of social reform, the truth is that the Japanese government commits millions of dollars every year to ensure homelessness remains low. The goal is to ensure that the Japanese economy appears strong. In reality, poverty in Japan is increasing. The dozens of government reforms Japan enacts each year are extremely costly and are approaching unsustainability.”

This is the same percentage we highlighted in the previous statement regarding homelessness. That information came from Tomorrow City in an article titled “HOMELESSNESS IN JAPAN: THE COUNTRY WITH THE SMALLEST PERCENTAGE OF HOMELESS PEOPLE” published on December 13, 2022. The Borgen article goes on to state,

“2. Japan is “the most equal major society” in terms of wealth distribution. According to the Statista Research Department, a total of 92% of the Japanese population has anywhere from $10,000 to $1 million in either assets or wealth. On paper, these figures appear to demonstrate an extremely healthy economy; however, they hide the fact that poverty in Japan is well over 16%. The notion that 92% of Japanese citizens fall into some category of “wealthy” may be misleading, serving as a straw-man statistic booster.

“3. A rising percentage of individuals in Japan are poverty-stricken. Japan has seen a huge and sudden rise in poverty and poor economic conditions, especially since 2012. According to The Guardian, 3.5 million Japanese children live in poverty-stricken homes. Since 1991, poverty has increased as a systemic problem for Japan, reaching 16.3% this past year. This figure could continue to rise dramatically as the working population decreases.”

And

“5. Japan pours a ton of resources into battling unemployment. Poverty in Japan entered an unprecedented era of severity after a major drop in workforce members in 1991. Before 1991, unemployment hovered just below 2% for decades, then rose drastically to nearly 6% by 2002. In fact, this singular event nearly toppled Japan as a world economic leader. Today, Japan has returned to a nearly 2% unemployment rate, although the country has had to pour a huge amount of financial resources in order to accomplish this stabilization. The country still has not fully recovered.”

The Nippon Foundation Article titled “Addressing Child Poverty” that briefly goes over research results from December 2015 that analyzed how childhood poverty negatively impacted Japan overall states,

“Japan’s rate of child poverty is above the OECD average. Overall, the rate has been rising since the 1980’s, and today one in seven children lives in poverty.​ The child poverty rate shows the percentage of children under the age of 18 who live in relative poverty. Relative poverty is defined as having income of less than one-half the national median disposable income, which for a household of one parent and one child means a monthly income (including public assistance) of 140,000 yen or less. Children raised in these households are at an extreme disadvantage in terms of medical care, meals, schooling, and prospects for higher education, and there is a clear trend of these children being unable to escape from poverty in the future.”

It then goes on to state that these children in poverty are technically costing the government more money and hurting the overall economy so it should be fixed. Which well they’ve got the spirit I guess- Anyway, JapanToday published an article on June 12, 2022 titled “Poverty in Japan Spreading and Deepening” that stated,

“TOKYO- Working 12 hours a day six days a week, Tohoku taxi driver “Junpei Noda” (a pseudonym) earned 280,000 yen a month. He didn’t know how well off he was.

It’s barely a living wage, but living with his parents he got by all right. But at 45 he’d had enough of his parents. One day, “on an impulse,” he left, went to Tokyo, flung himself into the arms of fate – which received him coldly. Six months later COVID-19 struck, dashing the hopes of this casual laborer who thought he’d found a haven of sorts working part-time at a ramen restaurant.

Poverty in Japan is spreading and deepening, says Spa (May 24-31). The pandemic was bad enough. Now there’s Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, with the worldwide economic havoc it’s wreaking. The poor get poorer, the near-poor go under, and indigence becomes a hole that almost anyone, given a bad move or a bad break – or a pandemic, or a war – can fall into – tomorrow if not today, next month if not this.”

Going on to state,

“Single mothers, pensioners and the precariously employed are especially vulnerable. “Yumi Iikura,” 48, raises two teenage daughters on her earnings as a nursing home caregiver. Sometimes working 15-hour shifts through the night until 9 a.m., she barely covers household expenses of 200,000 yen a month. Soaring gas prices are the latest jolt. A car might seem a dispensable luxury, but isn’t. Distance from her workplace is the price she pays for affordable rent. The 50-km commute was a tolerable nuisance. Now it’s a financial catastrophe.”

So, yes, poverty is a problem and tends to be one in most countries regardless of how affluent they look from the outside.

If Mikoto’s family didn’t have money, how was he ever going to go to an expensive college? Was he supposed to get a baseball scholarship? Ever consider he tried that and that’s why he says this,

Q.02 Have you ever played baseball?

Mikoto: I was really big on it when I was in high school. Though I wasn’t particularly good at it or anything. Even now if I’m feeling pent up from work, I still sometimes practice swinging.

An article published on September 23, 2021 by Asia Options titled “Unlocking Sports Opportunities in Japan” states,

“Many universities will offer their students, who have achieved a high level of athletic achievement, financial support through the awarding of scholarships. Scholarships for high performing athletes provide financial aid ranging from 50,000 to 100,000 yen for individual athletes and scholarships organised for university sports teams.”

Could it be he picked up baseball in high school not because he liked it but because it could possibly lead to a scholarship? Yet, it didn’t, so now he considers himself not very good at it. Because if he were good at it then he would’ve gotten a scholarship, right?

So, it’s not difficult to imagine him internalizing not being good enough if this is an avenue he pursued.

Sport Universities are briefly touched on in one of Kazui’s statements. On 20/06/07 when Amane asks Kazui to help her study he says,

Kazui: Hm? Haha, asking yet another question that’s hard to answer. I mean, I did graduate from university, so I’d say I’m reasonably…… ah, but it was just a sports university so maybe not…… I’m not especially confident.

Hm, I wonder if Kazui the six-foot wall was able to get a sports scholarship- Nah, sports scholarships and height have no proven correlation. This is sarcasm there is a correlation. Height is something that is generally valued when it comes to sports.

So, when committing the murders using the bat may not be Mikoto tarnishing something he loved but using one failure to take care of another. Really illustrating that, “My life, it wasn’t meant to be this way” line.

Baseball failed, his back up failed, everything was falling apart and no matter how he planned nothing seemed to work out as it should. No matter how amicable he tried to be, how flexible or helpful he attempted to come off as things kept going wrong. So, why not take out two of his frustrations at once?

“If I’m feeling pent up from work I still sometimes practice swinging.”

Something I find the most telling is Mikoto never lists Drawing or Baseball as a hobby even though he does them both. Instead, he chooses Cycling, Photography, Darts, and Shopping. Hobbies are something an individual usually does for fun because they like those things. These are the things he blatantly tells us he finds fun.

Even going as far to pick a completely different form of visual art and another sport. Supporting the idea that baseball and drawing may have just been another means to an end.

Wait- but Gunsli, Mikoto went to college, he graduated; if he was really poor, he wouldn’t have been able to go at all, right? Mikoto states to Amane,

“Even when it came to enrolling into college I sought out an arts university with low subject requirements.”

If the requirements to enroll were low than chances are Mikoto went to one Japan’s public colleges. Which would explain why when questioned about his drawing abilities he stated,

“No, not really… Of course, I could do the bare minimum needed to pass the entrance exam though. Even though it’s considered an arts university, there’s still subjects where one wouldn’t need to draw at all.”

It isn’t weird for Mikoto to have taken an entrance exam for a public college either since public colleges within Japan can still have entrance exams.

This is Mikoto’s issue, it’s not one singular thing, it’s his entire life. Just like he said in his first trial line,

“My life, it wasn’t supposed to be this way.”

This is also why he can’t complain because in a way he recognizes he did it to himself.

“If I could end, if I could stop how long would this dream go on?”

“If I could break it, if I could change- Can I do it? I wonder from when I started to give up. If I could lose it, if I could choose- Is this selfish? This isn’t too much is it?”

8/Outside Influences: 5 of Wands Reversed

In Mikoto’s tarot deck, the five of wands is represented by baseball bats in front of a red and blue moon. Keeping consistent with the format shown in the Ten of Wands. Throughout the tarot deck we see several interpretations of the moon. The Red Moon on the Devil and fool card, the Blue and Yellow moon seen on the Magician, the red and blue moon seen throughout most card iterations, the Yellow with a tinge of red moon on the five of swords, and the bluish black moon shown on the fool card.

Now, we’re going to go back to the King of Cups and Hangman cards for a moment. The Hangman was covered in the first set of five for this spread reading. Both of which are impressively long, but even if one was to read it to completion, it’s been a minute between posts. So, I doubt that information would be at the top of anyone’s mind at this point. We did go over these three colors before though. Yellow, Red, and Blue.

These are three colors prominently associated with the hangman card. I stated this in part one.

“The hangman is also associated with the motif colors of both of the Kayanos seen in MeMe. Red and Blue. It is also associated with yellow. In versions of the card the Hangman is depicted with golden blonde hair, yellow shoes, red pants and a blue shirt. The red is meant to represent the passion of humanity and the human form while the blue represents calm and reflective emotions. The yellow on the Hangman’s personage is meant to represent his intellect.”

Now since this is the first card of the spread, I had no way of knowing how important that minor detail would become. I’m not a walking encyclopedia of tarot knowledge. Nor do I have MeMe memorized from front to back. However, these colors begin to appear more integral the more the spread and the song are investigated. Particularly when it comes to the moons displayed with Mikoto’s design and the two’s association with them.

From this angle, we can discern which card is representative of what person. This is alluded to in MeMe when Mikoto sees his double through the mirror and the eyes on the tarot cards. Now if we consider the eyes on the cards to represent societal pressures and being observed by forces outside oneself. Something that is showcased more during trial 2. Particularly with the use of eyes in Backdraft, though all of the Milgram trial songs have eye imagery or imagery alluding to being watched throughout them.

Amane watching her music video near the end of Magic, Kazui being both a performer and audience member in Half, Shidou through the looks of his patients’ relatives, Yuno through the eyes of the plush rabbit in Tear Drop and the balloons in Umbilical.

I’ll cut to explain this one for a bit, because it can come off as vague or subjective. Firstly, yes, I do mean the balloons. The balloons shown throughout Umbilical represent Yuno’s relationship with society. One that seems to be of a give and take nature at a glance. Though when looked into, more alludes to a one-sided control since Yuno is the one shown to be blowing up and releasing these balloons.

This fits with the information we received from her second voice drama in regards to her being in these relationships for money and with the line we see in Tear Drop “The wanted wanting the wanter. The overlap, isn’t that some sort of perfection?” There’s a relationship in the Milgram novel quite similar to the one Yuno is describing here.

The prisoner by the name of Close discussed in the novel gets into a romantic relationship with the person harassing their close friend. Also, unimportant side note, really shady morality going on with that novel can’t believe the protagonist was voted innocent despite everything that happened being unmistakably her fault. Worst experiment ever, Jackalope was right, that thing was boring. However, the relationship between this guy and Close is one of service like the one Yuno’s statement implies.

They’re together because one has something the other wants. Close is only able to be with them because she is shown to be a threat capable of putting a stop to their desires. He realizes that Close likes him, probably because the one person she’s downright stated telling about it told him, if you know then you know.

The novel tries to cheekily cover up who told him this information by just saying I heard from someone but Close literally discusses in great detail who she talks to about this guy regularly. Even stating she may be talking about him to this person to an annoying degree. Regardless of who he overheard discussing it and when, he knows about her little crush and is willing to use it as a means of creating a scenario where they both win.

He offers to date her as long as she doesn’t report what he’s been doing to the teachers. Which she agrees to; she is not a victim in this situation and goes on to help him with his harassment of this other student. Just saying, she could have said no and been grossed out by his stalker behavior; instead she chose to use the upper hand she had for her own benefit then like foisted all the blame on this guy. Something multiple characters throughout the book do despite those same people having multiple opportunities to stop him before it got to that point.

Like, incredibly fucked up that they sat back, complacent in not stopping trouble from happening and then just claim victimhood once it does. Milgram book really had me fucked up, I was annoyed. However, in this case it’s helpful. At least when deciphering this line, “The wanted wanting the wanter.”

The wanted wanting the wanter. This means that whoever Yuno was interested in wanted her but only in one aspect like in the circumstances with Close. This is alluded to in Umbilical with the lines at the end, “Are we over? Please don’t answer. What do you want to do? Please tell me.”

Now at this point, I’m pretty much certain Yuno was partaking in pregnancy entrapment or at least attempting to. It’s been heavily alluded to if not all but stated Yuno on top of being an escort/rental girlfriend may have been partaking in sex work. I don’t know how it is where anyone else lives but where I live if a sex worker gets pregnant by one of their clients that’s a bit of an issue.

Especially since it’s usually not just assumed but at points expressly stated that they should be or will be using contraceptive. Such as the pill, that one thing they can literally put in a persons arm to stop them from getting pregnant, or female/male condoms. Yes, there are female condoms though having a male wear one is usually viewed as easier. They work similarly to tampons as in yeah it’s going in there but know what isn’t sperm.

The reason why these things are usually heavily considered is because a lot of patrons/customers of sex workers are married; at times even having multiple children or households already. So, avoiding kids is well incredibly important to not turn into a homewrecker. Yuno says the person most like her is Kazui someone known for hiding his feelings and being too cowardly to act on them, to his own admission.

Yuno laments about not being capable of being the sort of girl the one she likes is interested in. In Umbilical after she says she finally found it being a pregnancy and she goes into saying I messed up I found out she can be heard laughing and giggling to herself behind those lines. She’s pretending to be upset with the news that she’s pregnant because if it wasn’t an accident on her part and she is a sex worker than that makes it sexual assault.

Something that could easily ruin her reputation when it comes to doing that sort of work and stop her from getting money. Since that’s something generally frowned upon everywhere even when a person isn’t paying to have sex with someone else. She probably even used being 18 as an excuse for her error. Despite people familiar with Milgram knowing Yuno is a lot of things but uninformed isn’t one of them.

She quickly calls out adults like Mikoto, Kazui, and Kotoko. Recognizing quite quickly that Kotoko’s actions in the long run won’t change anything. Yet she states doing something out in the open like that won’t change anything, not that behaving in that way won’t lead to change. No, she basically goes showing your full ass like that, what an ignorant thing to do now everyone knows how you really are and will be wary. So, manipulating things discretely seems to be what Yuno does more so. She’s one to spring a pregnancy on a man and ask what do you want to do now. Despite the answer being rather obvious if she was a sex worker.

Like um not to be harsh, but I paid you for a service under the assumption that you were using contraceptive, possibly because you said you were. This is like if I paid someone to do house renovations and they got injured doing them; it’s like I thought you were going to take necessary precautions because you’re a professional, that’s why I hired you. What do you mean what am I going to do about this? Pay your medical bills, you fucked yourself up on your own equipment. They would have me fucked up, this is a job; the fucking sex work is work.

That means just as much as the worker can be exploited so can the customer. Especially if they have family and are secretly patrons to a specific worker cause that can be used as blackmail material for more money. Everyone is like Yuno got an abortion that’s her murder but do you know how fucked up it is she got pregnant to begin with if she’s a sex worker? Like has no one thought of the implications there.

What crazy adult that possibly has a family and is paying for sex is gonna be like, “No I really want to have this in the most unsafe way possible contraceptive be damned I want to ruin my life tonight. I want my kids to know I’m trash of the worst caliber and I’m gonna make sure the kids you have with me know too. I’m not loyal. I can’t pull nobody with just my personality so my money has to speak real loudly.” Then he just spends several minutes crying after like a bitch which is why in Tear Drop she’s like “Just smile.” So much.

I’m getting distracted talking about Yuno again. However, in Umbilical we see multiple balloons of different colors outside of Yuno’s. That seem to represent her clients. Presents highlighted with inverted colors also appear on the staircase. Those probably signify or are gifts the men Yuno has done this to have given her. Here are the shots that show balloons outside of Yuno’s.

The balloons also appear near the different versions of Yuno we see throughout Umbilical and Tear Drop. Possibly trying to show us which presentation of Yuno her clients favored or the ones associated with that outfit choice. The red and yellow balloons appear next to both Yuno in her school uniform and how we see her dressed in the car during Tear Drop. Alluding to more than one client knowing about both.

So, that’s super fun. Given people have been assuming that each Yuno represent separate clients. Instead of, well, the other option of her dressing to suit particular clients tastes and more than one person being able to enjoy her presenting a certain way. So, like with Mikoto here, all the characters have something alluding to the appearance they put on in front of others and how they actually feel during their songs.

Some prisoners are just blunter than others. Unlike Shidou and Yuno using balloons, gifts, and flowers. Given all of this, it wouldn’t be a stretch to speculate the moon could represent their own gaze. Since the balloons in Umbilical and the other versions of Yuno in Tear Drop can be used to represent both her and her clients, there isn’t much reason for the same logic to not be applicable here.

Jackalope claims in the second trial commencement notice that Milgram cannot restrain the other Mikoto unless he is out. However, we see Mikoto observe the other one in MeMe through the mirror then very promptly just forget about it because dissociative amnesia is bitch like that. The moon would be a good way to represent which one is currently out and who is just spectating or in the background. Ha, get it because it’s literally a part of the background of the cards.

This would serve to explain why the moon in The Fool card is so odd. Though it has edges of Mikoto’s light blue it also has darkened out spots that could very well symbolize him not being entirely aware or able to observe. Either because he blocked it out or other factors have caused him to not be able to see or remember it. Meaning the double would be out and in control at this time. The same moon on the Hangman can also be seen the beneath the hooves of the horse on the death card.

However, that means when it comes to The Devil card the one fronting would be Mikoto. Basically, all cards with a red moon in the background would be indicating the double is taking the backseat and the blue one would be indicating Mikoto is taking the backseat. Then what about the Yellow moon does this mean there’s a third Mikoto confirmed? One, dual personality representation is hard to come by, two they have really leaned into the whole Double thing, three we literally just went over how the things used to represent the prisoners in their mind can also be used to represent societies view of them.

Another prime example of that being the graffiti in Backdraft-

Perfectly illustrating how ones self-image can be impacted and warped by external factors. Something Mikoto’s tarot spread alludes to a lot. Now am I against the system idea? No. I’m just stating that certain forms of dissociative identity disorder are represented more than others and for the time being I’m enjoying having the other be represented as well. That and sadly I can’t find a way to stretch it so that more than two of them being around would make sense with the information provided and I’m not going to cherry pick in order to do so.

If anyone else can find facts that align with that, good.

No, in fact I believe it means the exact opposite. The first time the yellow moon is displayed in the tarot cards it is within The Hangman card where we see multiple eyes peering in at the bottom. The only time the moon is fully Yellow is when both Mikoto’s colors are taking a bit of a backseat. This is shown within the Five of swords, Ace of Cups, King of Cups, Queen of Cups, The Magician, The Devil, and for brevity any card depicting a Blue or red moon with bits of yellow.

As we went over during the Hangman depiction, Yellow is representative of intellect. Intellect is usually used to navigate tricky situations throughout life while taking into consideration usually not just the most efficient course but the most emotionally satisfying one for the participant. So, the yellow in the cards could represent this form of planning that Mikoto has shown off and alluded to having throughout trial one.

Further nailing this point home; in Mikoto’s shirt iteration of the card the moon behind the Hangman’s head is fully red with hints of yellow around the edges

Given all of this, it seems to be yet another aspect of society that is heavily impacting how the Mikoto’s view themselves and behave. This is why during its first and most prominent appearance within the deck it is accompanied by eyes and put directly behind an art figure that in the card version appears to be all yellow or at least much lighter than the one shown on the shirt as well. The shirt that has this design also lacks the red and darkish blue sky shown to be surrounding the moon in the card version.

This would mean that in the cards we see the red and blue moon they would be working together, both would be cognizant of what is going on, or both of their mindsets is impacting the situation. This is the same with cards that prominently display both of their colors. So basically, if it has all three of these colors all three are impacting their circumstances, two of those two things are impacting the matter, and so on. The cards with red and blue moons within MeMe are The Ten of Wands, and The Five of Wands.  

It seems as though the moon in tarot deck is being used as one big eye. This could mean in cards where it is not present, none of these factors are being heavily affected by someone’s view but if those colors are present the people associated with it are being affected by that card. Such as cards like The Queen of Swords.

Now onto what this means- The Five of Wands finds itself within the outside influences position of this celtic spread. Fittingly for the discussion we just had this card embodies the outside world and how it is impacting the querent’s situation. This is another reason we went through explaining all that with the colors and how yellow may represent society and Mikoto’s attempts to navigate around or within that.

So, what does the Five of Wands mean in that context simply put let’s go over the five of wands shall we-

Context I am still recovering from a mostly all-day outing of seeing the Barbie movie- So, bear with me. Because I want to do this in a bit of unique way. This is because the five of wands is a rather unique card. As such even though it’s reversed I want to go over both meanings. So, we all fully understand the dichotomy of this card and its severity.

The Five of Wands is usually depicted in a few ways. The traditional depiction is several people brandishing five large sticks the wands haphazardly fighting with each other. It can also be interpreted as these people carrying the sticks somewhere as their sticks clash with each other and they all do their own thing. Portraying a clear lack of cohesion and conflict within the group regardless of how one interprets it. The extent of the conflict can range from jovial competitiveness to ones of a more serious nature.

Then there is the modern depiction where there are usually five wands portrayed on the card one being held in the hand of an individual or no one holding them at all. Because this is a Five card there is bound to be conflict. Just like with The Five of Swords, Five of Pentacles, and the Five of Cups. All of which deal with a conflict whether they be emotional or environmental.

However, those cards aren’t conflicts forwards and backwards. The Five of Wands no matter how you turn it is conflict without end. This is why its traditional name is The Lord of Strife. Upright or Reversed you are suffering. There is no Yes for the Five of Wands if you get this in a yes or no tarot. If it is upright it is a maybe, it is a well try it. It is the fuck around and find out of tarot cards.

Now the Five of Wands embodies the necessity of conflict. Not all conflict ends poorly, people are bound to clash with each other and through these disagreements one can within reason foster community, understanding of the individual within the whole, and move forward from it better than where they started from. This is why forwards or backwards the conflict is there, it has not been resolved and it may never be. Because on top of telling the person receiving the reading fucking try it bucko but when you get bucked don’t come saying oh to me- Reversed it is a stark warning to pull back the conflict is over and you are reaching a point in whatever relationship you are in where beyond that you will do irreparable harm. This will cause a permanent break and you should cut your losses and get yourself in check.

The querent is being told to decide whether they want to die on this hill, if they want this relationship to die on this hill, if they’re willing to kill someone over this. If all the answers to those questions are no you wipe your hands of it and move on if you’re Mikoto, well…it’s time to brandish the wand.

Because there’s a real easy way to make your problems disappear and it’s just like magic. Just of a different kind. It’s the magic of you tried the wrong one today, I am ready to die on this hill actually, I have nothing to lose, and I will take you down with me. I am fine with mutual destruction if you met yours first. You think this card is going to fucking stop me?! I’ve been given several very clear warnings before this. In this same spread!

This card wants to fuck around, you want to fuck around well guess what we about to find out together and I’m about to find out how the ground looks with you in it.

Upright, the card highlights that there may be a conflict in the asker’s life. This conflict may already exist or be brewing beneath the surface just about to bubble over. It can allude to competition in areas that the querent is not used to such as work or school. In this new environment the asker may interact with people that have the same talents who will stir up feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, envy, and greed leading to internal conflicts.

In this situation the upright Five of Wands recommends that the person asking accepts these new forms of competition as a way of bettering themselves and to let go of any malice they hold towards these new people in their life.

The Five of Wands also suggests that there may be communication problems within a team due to a situation in which everyone wants to be heard but no one is really listening to anyone else. This may lead to miscommunications, animosity forming within the team, and no one being heard overall. Ultimately causing tension and anger to accumulate until the breaking point.

Upright the Five of Wands suggest for the person asking to mediate. Get the group to talk about their misgivings and possible insecurities to hopefully resolve them. Now, I bet a good deal of people are starting to get why this is reversed from the other cards in Mikoto’s spread. Firstly, we know that he’s possibly been having trouble communicating from The Queen of Swords and he’s not feeling generous with his communication skills not really wanting to use them for the benefit of whatever group he’s in as seen through The King of Cups.

So, we’ve hit the breaking point already, whatever conflict has arisen is already a dead end which leads us to the Five of Wands reversed-

Wait, don’t go leaving now! The Five of Wands reversed mixed with the past card being the Wheel of Fortune reversed gives us a clearer idea of what occurred here. Back when we were interpreting the past card the Wheel of Fortune reversed we said it could represent that the querent has been having tough times but they may be passing soon. Because it reminds everyone that all things in life will pass, regardless of if they are good or bad.

However, a tarot spread is not just it’s parts but the sum of them. Since the Five of Wands is here and expressly states that the conflict could be brewing below the surface or already occurred that gives more context to the Wheel of Fortune. Telling us that the conflict implied through the Five of Wands and the difficulties that the Wheel of Fortune was more than likely referring to in Mikoto’s past are the same thing and at the point of this reading it has yet to be resolved.

In fact, according to the Five of Wands, instead of resolving the issue Mikoto is doing his best to circumvent it. The Five of Wands in reverse alludes to the querent avoiding all conflict by exiting the situation as quickly as they possibly can, which at times is good but can lead to a lot of animosity and frustration building up internally not only for the other people involved but on the side of the querent as well.

While everyone else involved might be happy and unaware of the issue, the querent could be stewing all on their own with these misgivings and irritations or everyone involved could be as equally miserable. However, considering at least one of his coworkers were willing to meet him after hours at an underpass and didn’t seem too much like man fuck this guy about it- The animosity does not seem shared.

Since the issue has yet to be addressed in a satisfactory way to the them, this is leading to them internalizing their anger which will lead to more problems down the line. There are only so many times that someone can avoid something, hold their tongue, and push down their anger before they end up blowing up at just the wrong time.

Also, behaving in this way doesn’t necessarily stop the behavior that is causing the conflict to cease. It warns that as much as the querent has been avoiding the conflict that they will ultimately have to address it soon. There are many times in life where walking away is an option. Many people are conflict avoidant. The Five of Wands shows up strictly to go now is not the time to be that; stop walking be here, be present, and have this conflict like an adult.

Because avoiding conflict and being amicable one hundred percent of the time is not being a proper adult. Have the conflict set your boundaries because if you don’t it’s going to get worse. Just because a person believes that them saying something for their own benefit will suddenly make them the problem since everyone else is happy doesn’t mean staying quiet is a good thing. Because staying quiet isn’t going to change the fact that they themselves aren’t doing well and no one will know that unless they say something.

However, it becomes incredibly more complicated because what Mikoto was going through was work related. Meaning his feelings frankly don’t matter because that’s just how work environments are. Hence the emphasis on being a “working” adult. So, can a person really stop being amicable if the option is be that or unemployed?

Now we are EIGHT cards deep NINETY-FIVE PAGES into this word document counting everything outside of the tarot! This is in MS Reference Sans Serif font eleven first line indented single line spacing and includes pictures. These pictures are taking up some of these pages so don’t go thinking I’ve done a lot.

However, if you’ve read this far or didn’t want to read this far let’s give a quick rundown before the end. Because this is already long and I don’t know if it will all fit in one post.

So, let’s run this down real quick.

What have we learned from the tarot so far? Mikoto’s life sucks, he was possibly financially unstable most of his life and he saw acquiring steady employment as a way of avoiding financial hardship. So, even if his company was exploitative out the gate, chances are he wouldn’t really have the wherewithal to quit. During this I even joked with another person who likes the series about how funny it would be if Mu’s dad was Mikoto’s landlord.

I discussed why it would be difficult for Mikoto to just leave his job previously when highlighting the tarot before, but this adds to that difficulty while showcasing the environmental factors that would lead Mikoto to making the decisions he did and viewing himself the way he does. This also serves to reckon with the fact that he went undiagnosed for so long. It’s not only that Dissociative Identity Disorder is difficult to diagnose, there’s also the financial factors around pursuing diagnosis and mental health treatment in any country.

Things like that take multiple sessions with a therapist to even break into. Something that, if not covered by one’s insurance provider, could cost hundreds of dollars for just one hour. Mikoto is 23 when he’s incarcerated in Milgram, this leaves him right in the vague generational area between 1995-2002 a contentious period when it comes to generational labels because no one can decide if those years of time count as Millennial or Gen Z or the secret third thing, Generation Katniss. Making that span of time a lost and vague generation with no real classification.

However, one thing people can agree on, is different years during that stretch of time are associated with more than one generation. Now, why is this stretch of time being a generation in and of itself important? Well, it's very telling. It’s a point in time in which we did have internet but it was in it’s early stages. We also had mental health services on paper but not everyone had them. In fact, everyone still doesn’t have them. Multiple disorders go undiagnosed in children of certain races and income. It’s such a common thing for the system to fail certain types of children that they call it slipping through the cracks where I am.

People are generally less inclined to care about screwing you over, neglecting, or downright overlooking you if you grow up under a certain income level or as a certain type of person. The medical educational system isn’t built for everyone and people go overlooked all the time. It’s very common and it’s usually somehow the person who slipped through the cracks job to climb back out of it. This means Mikoto doesn’t lack faith in himself because he’s naturally not confident or solely due to his home life.

There are multiple environmental factors that can impact a person’s confidence in their abilities. People are not only the byproduct of their parents but the environment they are raised in. We are all walking long form equations and every instance in our lives is just another piece of the formula. When you only focus on the part in the round brackets you miss the rest of the problem. It’s easy to think you aren’t good at anything when your environment tells you aren’t.

When you can’t get scholarships, barely get into a college with low entry requirements, or just manage to get the job you were aiming for after who knows how many attempts. It’s easy to feel ones life wasn’t meant to be this way when you plan, and plan, and plan but no matter how well you plan. How far in advance you prepare. Fuck, even if you work backwards with your end goal in mind. Your legs keep moving, your mind keeps planning, thinking this time, this is when we’ll reach the end point, this is when I’ll have finally done it.

Then the goal moves and it moves and it moves. The tasks keep piling up you seem to be moving you feel the forward momentum this situation isn’t like the last because you’re better off than where you started and the goal feels right there. IT FEELS CLOSER THAN IT EVER HAS. It is right there. It’s not a dream, a delusion, fool’s gold shining in the water it is right there. The way out something to hope for as long as you’re willing to do whatever it takes to keep going forwards because you don’t want to fail right?! You already know what failing looks like; do you want to go back to that?

It's not even like you’re asking for much. Don’t want to be rich, just well off enough to be comfortable to do freelance. Dictate your own schedule maybe do something you want to do for once instead constantly be in survival mode, because the moment you screw up that’s it. You’re poor and on the streets; are you gonna ask your mom for help move back in with her when you probably know what her finances are like already? If you work harder, you can succeed even beneath a system that’s designed for you to fail.

That’s Amane and Mikoto’s problem. They both believed there was a way out of their situations; if they just did what was asked of them, eventually they’ll treat me better, my abilities will be recognized. It’ll work out as long as I try harder. If in Magic Amane is in the process of trying, in MeMe Mikoto is at the outcome of his efforts. Yet, both their efforts led to the same conclusion; swinging a wand down as they try make their problems disappear.

Now since this has gotten long enough, in the next one we’ll be discussing the rest of the first reading and going into the conclusions. I would appreciate hearing feedback and opinions on this if anyone reads it.  Secondarily, there’s a lot I have written about Mikoto separately already but I’m focused on doing this in order. It’s been fun seeing some of the thoughts I had typed down come to fruition in tiny ways throughout trial two.

I know it’s a lot and, well, it’s not all about Mikoto but the prisoners all overlap with each other in interesting ways. I think the pairings shouldn’t be the only time prisoner comparisons are made. Especially since the characters themselves compare themselves to people outside of their pair. I think out of everyone the person Mikoto has the most in common with and works best as a foil to him is Amane. Which could be part of why he has difficulty in speaking with her. Other than that yeah I’ll try to finish the last two cards when I get the chance.

However, I have a lot of family stuff and I’ve been writing this mostly on my own.  It takes longer for me to process information so I do have to step back and actively do other things to fully process and better vocalize or even just figure out what it is I want to say. If I can do all this and I’ve seen all the creativity and consideration others in the fandom put into their ideas and theories.

I would encourage people write more stuff about their favorites and really take into the consideration how they not only work on their own but with the other prisoners. The conclusions you come to by doing that could just surprise you. Though you don’t gotta do it to this extent. Trust me, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have to. I’m actually chained up in a basement by Star, the way Mahiru allegedly had her lover and she’s currently forcing me to write all these theories. Help….

(>:- p)