#at this point i dont care if im forever regarded as a shit person because of all this. people dont really like me anyway? except val

[trainingdummyrabbit]

What do you think of aroace spectrum angela or like. any variant idk

REAL AND TRUE AND CORRECT. NOT TAKING ARGUMENTS AT THIS TIME <3

like. ok ive definitely spoken abt it offhand sometime before so im just going to use this opportunity to aimlessly ramble ok? ok. hyperfixation trap card.

like yeah theres the whole 'only having rep thats robots and aliens and etc' thing which is very much a fair and appropriate response, but also like. at a point you Do just kinda have to go 'Man Just Look At Her.'

i certainly couldnt say it as well as other folks, but... Man Just Look At Her. theres so many threads that are Literally Right There, its kinda hard Not to. id have to study again n cite my sources or whatever but also this is my house. ok.

like theres the obvious 'i see you as a friend' interaction with her and roland sometime mid-to-late ruina, which is. again. Its Right There. but its also the way she looks in lobcorp, and the instant she gets any agency she immediately veers in a completely different direction. (as a reclamation of self, as another small rebellion, as an exploration of how She would like to present herself and be seen)

its that interaction with xiao, her genuine confusion towards the concept of lovers, what they are, what makes it so different from any other sort of person. (as a jab towards her own isolation, the values she was made to uphold, her unfamiliarity towards cityfolk and the ways they carry themselves-- and that seeming contradiction of that affection vs. the way she was told cityfolk Work.)

angela, to me, feels like the type of character to simply Be. for lack of a better term. its a difficult concept to Describe in a way that makes sense, (despite me being, how do you say, In The Same Boat.) its something i could see her toss around out of curiosity, but honestly just... not really care for. she has things to do.

like... angela is just. a very cut and dry character, to put it in a way. she just kinda states things as they are, sometimes rather bluntly. its hard to elaborate because things simply Are. plain and simple, no need to fuss over it. and thats what this feels like itd be, yknow?

also iam just shrimply. forever an angela+roland qpr truther. tbh. like i dont know what the Hell those two have going on but you literally Cannot separate them. i hesitate to call it 'love,' because. well yes, but also no. but also kind of? but not quite. again, it just Is. they simply Are.

its one of those things that just feels Odd seeing her in any other context, in regards to romance or whatever. which is tied to a whole slew of other problems only tangentially related to the subject (shipping content bias, character simplification, and so on and so on,) but its just... man she would Not fucking say that. she would not Do that, she would not Act that way.

like i certainly believe it Is possible to have romantic interpretations with her, but its gonna be. Specific. with the way she carries herself, how she acts, and how she reacts to things. even with the romantic elements, itd still dip into aro experience territory, if you know what im saying. like whoever it is, this shit isnt going to fit into Roles and Archetypes, like how a lot of folks like to write ship content. for lack of a better descriptor, its gonna be Weird.

and thats honestly whats so frustrating about it! you Can have an interesting through-line and interpretation of that sort of thing, but a lot of the time whenever i (rarely) see it, its just... Typical Beauty Standards, Hot Secretary Lady, Scary Controlling Whatever the hell like... i hate t judge but cmon guys we can do so much better than that. ironically, wheres the Love? the respect for who she is, the curiosity on exploring that sort of thing with who she Is? guys come On...

which. grain of salt, because its not like i search out ship content, yknow. im not gonna speak like an authority for stumbling onto stuff sometimes. the fact that it isnt so popular and in-your-face is genuinely refreshing honestly, but. tangent.

anyway arospec angela agenda never sleeps and iam one of the strongest soldiers. the ace is Non Negotiable come back later with a warrant so i can Not Look At It. (<- this is a bit. (<- but im serious.)) thankyou. bows.

[auspex]

I wanted to send in an ask for the in-character ask meme for mark but i couldnt think of anything, so instead i ask you to ramble about one of the things regarding mark that makes you lose it! Stuff you're totally so Normal about in a Lying way!! It's so fun hearing about that stuff as well as WHY it makes you lose it, yknow?? does this make sense??? hope it does lmao

k im breaking out this ask cause im doin bad. if you dont know or care about mark dont bother reading htis - i found that sometimes my mark tag shows in the general vtm tag and im sorry.

im so normal about how vampires live forever but also live in constant danger (usually)

on the one hand Mark knows he has eternity

on the other hand he knows that in a few nights it could be his last

but the man lives off denial and so he focuses on the first one.

this intersects w some of his... motivations in interesting ways

for example a main one is who he considers it his responsibility to protect sampson. but ok 1: he is a ghoul, so he'll live forever but does he want to? 2: its a dangerous world so protecting him is a big task and can he do that forever? and 3: what happens if sampson does want to live longer but turns against him either emotionally or in a deeper way? what then.

like basically the situation he's in... can it last forever? probably not. will mark grapple with that fact? No <3 its fine for now cause he isn't even a year in yet but it will be a problem at some point...

another one is serving Julius. so far julius has not asked anything too heinous of him but if there truly is eternity that's not gonna last forever. also, mark doesnt know this, but I Do, that when the pyramid falls, the blood bond may traumatically break but that does NOT mean Julius is gonna let go - only become more coercive, with mark more aware of the shit spot he is in. i am going to go absolutely insane when that happens. mark is gonna have a mc'freakin breakdown and if sampson isnt his friend at this point idk what he will do cause thats the only person in his life who could possibly understand.

Ok and finally just how literally like. ok so. mark struggles against the beast like every kindred does and GENRALLY does well because of a promise to himself after he murdered a guy in hunger frenzy, that once he gets That Hungry (mechanically hunger 4) his top goal will be reducing it and at hunger 3 its one of his highest goals. Like he has to believe he can keep it in check. but with eternity... mistakes happen. like there isnt any way he could prevent himself from ever making a mistake like that again. he is in such denial about it though. and when he fucks up again he'll be forced to accept that it will happen Another time, and Again. itll be so delicious <3 (like the blood i mean what)

Anyways.

mark believes he is taking a long view of things but he truly is NOT. he's just using that idea to Cope. he tells himself he has to settle things in his territory, w sampson, w such and such julius task, then he can sit down, study like he wants to, keep things in check ; but here is the thing. vampire society isnt like that. things are gonna shake up eventually. because you either die fast in one of those shake ups, or you live forever always long enough to see another one.

he is telling himself to just go a little longer, push a little harder, and then he can rest. then itll be ok.

but that might not ever come.

he has to learn some coping mechanisms soon... or have friends. hes not in a place where he could actually step away and get a break.

he's getting there on the friends bit w his coterie mate rose cause she agreed to stop dating Lucky (LOTS OF CONTEXT NEEDED WHY THIS IS IMPORTANT BUT IT IS ) and that meant a lot to him and he'll be more willing to open up to her in the future- but i think that will still require some sort of come-to-jesus moment where hes like. Oh shit im doing really bad actually.

which he is

but if you ask him, he will just say theres a lot going on and he's somewhat stressed <3 omg

anyway thanks @eric-the-bmo for my life

[strwbrymlkshake]

you lied to me, and ruined everything, and ruined how I approach almost any romantic feeling at all. and all you can describe it as is having fucking beef with me. and you don't even recognize your own actions. you don't even fucking remember them. you aren't phased by it at all. I agonized, had meltdowns over it. losing me, ruining me was just a regular fucking day for you.

[musubiki]

Wait can a witch fall out of love if the love they feel is stronger? Like say you’re a witch and it turns out the person you love has done something really screwed up, that for most would instantly decimate any feelings you had for them (like idk maybe they’re a serial killer), would the witch still feel it because of the inherently stronger feelings? What would be the issues that arise from this sort of thing happening to witches regarding love?

exactly!!! once a witch falls in love, its VERY VERY HARD (or even impossible) to stop loving said person, even if they turn out to be fucked up. thats why the number one rule as a witch is (as the comic said) to be VERY VERY careful who you associate with, because you cant control who youre gonna fall in love with BUT, you CAN control who you choose to spend time with in the first place that leads up to said love. so witches tend to be very cautious, appearing anti-social because they have to be calculating on who they let into their life

if a witch falls in love with someone (or loves someone like family) and they end up going down the wrong path..,,,theres nothing they can do. they cant STOP loving them, they can cut them out of their life but that person will always be a weakness for them from that point on

its not like humans where its like “i love him but im gonna cut him off!!” and with time they heal and get over it. none of that shit for witches, they will just love them forever, even if they KNOW said person is a pos, and they KNOW theres no chance of it working out they just gotta live with it

(theres a beta version where this is what happened with mochis mom - that somehow things went bad between her and her husband, so tiramisu was able to take mochi and move cities and erase his memories of them, but she still and will always love him despite him being a pos)

but its important to remember that loving someone (in this verse) ≠ forgiveness and reconciliation. it is entirely possible to say hey fuck you im leaving, its just that youre gonna have to still live with those feelings forever which sounds fucked up and is actually a bit hard for me to comprehend but thats what its like (but ofc in some cases it DOES mean forgiveness and reconciliation, if the witch doesnt have strong mental fortitude and cant get out of it, which sucks too)

and then theres the case with unrequited love, which was a beta possibility in taffys case. a witch/magic being falls in love, but the other party doesnt feel the same. the witch will love them forever and quite possibly never love again. i think it COULD be possible to fall in love with someone else, but as for humans, its hard to fall in romantic love with someone when youre already heavily in love with someone else. and thats the case here!! if they dont love you back then thats just how the dice rolled for you and you shouldve been more careful cuz now youre gonna be sad forever 🤧

[nyan-koii]

Hashira ft. Sabito as genshin impact players

aunotes : Bad grammar ahead! I didnt proofread it so be aware of brain damage. plus i initially wrote it at the 1.6 update

PART 1 : T.Muichiro, R.Kyojuro, K.Shinobu, S.Sanemi, U.Tengen 

Muichiro : he probably would be uninterested at first. He's more to first person shooting game or anything other than this concept of farming or investing. So that's why when he saw yuichirou banging his fist on his desk, trying to get his fav character, he would simply just watch

"Fck this game, i've had enough,"

"But you havent finish your wishing things yet,"

Stares. "How about you give it a try mui. You might get the character i want,"

"You sure about that? You might get angry at me," "better than nothing. Now go go, get em you donkey,"

His first ten pulls on the game brings out a light we all want to see

"Eh is tha-" "AAAA A FUCKING 5 STAR FCK FCKFCK,"

Apparently, it was one of the luckiest wish yuichiro had ever seen so far

"OHMYFUCK, you GOT A GODDAMN KLEE, QIQI AND SUCROSE WTFF???"

"I think i get your fav character?"

"Yeahh!! More than that to be honest. I want klee but you brought me two more person," sniffles and cries "you're really lucky mui. You should try and play the game,"

"It's probably the system. I doubt im that lucky tho,"

Nah, he really is lucky. Apparently he wished for his friends and got what they all really wanted for so long

"Thank you for getting me the aquila favonia, muichiro,"

"It's nothing really. I just simply press the button. It might be the system that's giving you the thing you want when i wish,"

"But still, even if i were to wish, i can get really scared and paranoid over it,"

"That's bad. You shouldnt invest yourself that much in the game tanjiro. It's just a game,"

"Ehehehe, i guess so. But you're really good at it muichiro! If you download it, we can play together :D!"

!!!!

It took the word "play together" to get muichiro down on his knee for that game. Usually the idea of playing with your friends is not that interesting. So when tanjiro said that, you bet he's going to play it

Type of player

Extremely lucky it's not even real. He got a five star on the beginner's banner

Fast farming. He probably will complete all the quest and become an endgame player within one month

"I just wanted to play with tanjiro..." bashfully

He's really good with whatever he's doing. Attack combo, dodging, elemental reaction and all sorts of stuff. If he invest more of his time on artifacts, he would probably even one shot it!!

He's very lucky. Very

Kyojuro : he wouldnt even know the existence of this game. Well, he took a glimpse of it one day and boom, heart stolen. Maybe it was the fiery burning passion in bennett that made him play the game.

'oh wow!! What a determined young boy! Even though he has a very bad luck he still keep pushing forward! Amazing!!'

'I want to be like him'

Kyojuro's the type of player to read and pay attention to every single lore of his fav character. Bennett, oh my how he wish he could've had bennett in his team. Every wishes he made would make him a c6 bennett main if only barbara wont stop coming home

"I really like you barbara but i dont want you!! Thank you for the c6 though!! I promise to use you in the future but just-" he prepares to wish

"not NOW!!" Clicks

The highest con of bennett he had ever gotten is probably c1. One day the paimon's bargain shop offered bennett as their monthly character. Kyojuro had never been so excited over a game before. He usually perks up over academics and not this kind of thing. But it's bennett, the character he admires the most.

Unfortunately he couldnt get it due to low currency. He had never feel so sad in his life.

"I shall not give up. Dont worry, i will be a c6 bennett main!!!"

He will be a c6 bennett haver!!

Type of player :

Carefully reads every stories and listens to their lines attentively. He finds it amazing how the company spent their everything on this game. It amazes him. From the stories, lores and lines, he truly appreciates it.

Balance his team pretty well. He mains bennett so he doesnt need that much of a healer in his team.

Enjoys bennett's hangout very much!! He tried to not get him killed by the dungeon's trap but ended up having to sacrifice him which ultimately ends the route. He had never felt so down and guilty before.

Not much of a damage dealer. He prefers to play it in normal mode and doesnt care that much about one shotting monster.

He feeds his character three meals a day!! If only there's a sleep option, he would be sending bennett to sleep first before the rest.

Everyone loves his teapot

Shinobu : found the game while she's scrolling through the app store out of boredom. Initially she played it on her phone but due to the fps and a really bad ping, so bad that douma wouldnt find her interesting anymore, she finally downloaded the game on her pc where things has starting to get real

"Ara, shinobu chan, it's lunch time already. Come downstairs please,"

"Sis give me five more minutes, JUST FIVE PLEASE I NEED TO KICK CHILDE's ASS,"

"he's not going anywhere sweetie,"

"yEAHH BUT MY BP IS,"

'Bp?'

"DIE DIE DIE!!" Aggresive clicking intensifies

"Shinobu chan dont hurt the keyboard that much!!"

She got lucky on the beginner's banner too and pulled a 5 star along with bennett and noelle. Who's the 5 star? Diluc Ragnvindr in all of his glory. Shinobu benched him sadly. She prefers sword over any other weapon

"I mean he's cool i guess but i just really dont get that 'WOAHHH COOL' vibe from him you know?"

"then give your diluc to me! I really want him so bad shinobu chan!"

Deep sighs "yeah sure. You can have my c2 diluc mitsuri..."

Loses 50/50 to diluc everytime everyone would think she either is lucky or cursed by the amount of that man greeting him on the screen. She still bench him though, sadly

"Im begging you, give me jEANN THE GRANDMASTER I NEED HEALER iN MY PARTY TO DO ABYSS

Type of player :

Suffers a lot in the abyss because she just want the primos which is a valid reason to do because that's the only thing that keeps her going

She's a sword character main. She'll properly build every character as either support or dps. The support would be kaeya and bennett, and her main dps ayaka

Ayaka main btw

Honestly at some point she wanted to quit the game because of how tiring it is but then inazuma came out

Fragile resin = 0

Resin = 160/160 happens once in a blue moon

"i should probably control myself with the amount of resin i've used,"

"But i cant,"

Hates domain but always can be seen playing in there

Only coops if mitsuri is there

"So that someone can calm me down,"

"That's not a really good reason shinobu chan,"

Sanemi : dude probably know the game through obanai. He watched the latter play and finds it interesting on how high the numbers he dealt. He loves challenges so a game like genshin impact would probably satisfy his need.

"Obanai, are you hearing this shit?"

"What is it sanemi, im busy doing this event,"

"That loser giyuu is also playing the game,"

"Oh yeah i know,"

"YOU KNOW? WHY YOU DIDNT TELL ME??"

"i just know right after you told me,"

"...."

Sanemi's a meta but a mediocre one. He's meta but he doesnt show it that much. Probably buys welkin once in every three months or when he really needs it same goes with battle pass too. Honestly, he really just use his money when he really needs something

"Donno if my allowance can buy me a welkin so i'll probably skip,"

"But the next banner is zhongli's,"

"....."

"Ah fuck it," buys

My man cant dodge after he got zhongli. Its very painful because he used to studies the enemies movement in the early game so that he can utilizes it on the team but zhongli's shield is so tank he forgot that dodging exists

"Im gonna kill you and you and you hhahaahhaah just you wait im gonna shred all of yo- oh shit zhongli's shield. puT IT BACK PUT IT BACK ON,"

That one event where zhongli's shield plays an important role in the domain? Yeah, he felt like a god at that time. Even got his c2 on his rerun. Sanemi just really like zhongli because it kinda reminds him of himejima. Calm and wise and strong too. He looks up on that kind of person

"Zhongli sama, im in debt for all of your hard work protecting my team," bows and wipes tears

Type of player :

Spends a little money on the game to get what he wants

Zhongli main

Is that one player that has hoards of food but doesnt even use it

"Why need healer when you have zhongli's shield,"

Compare to kyojuro, he doesnt even touch the teapot because he finds it ridiculous and bothersome to create and design everything in it

Loves one shotting bosses and compares it to giyuu. He ask for advices from obanai regarding team build supports and stuffs

Doesnt do character's story quest. The key is full every single time. He unlocks it but leaves the quest like that.

"Ah shit, i accidentally activate the quest,"

His friend list only has obanai in it. Whenever people sent him friend request, he wouldnt hesitate, more like wouldnt care to accept it

They either have to coop in obanai's world or his world and after that, unfriend immediately

Says thank you after coop because he has manners and then completely disappears

"Zhongli main forever,"

Tengen : played since 1.0 this madlad has been staying loyal to the game ever since. Quite huge amount of money he spend on this game to be honest but he never gets broke by it. You can see his regular donation to the game by purchasing welkin and battle pass and some genesis crystal too. He's loaded with money, he didnt know what to do with it.

Uzui also plays honkai impact and guns girl Z so when he saw the unknown god at the intro , he was not surprised.

"Oh we have to pick between the siblings? Cool cool co- oh hi kiana,"

"Thats so herrscher of void hahahahah,"

Although he is a loyal fan to MihoYo games, he lost his composure when he saw the 1st genshin anniversary reward because what was that. Imagine getting billions of money and they give us this? Tengen cant believe this shit

"Oh god wtf was that reward, i have to draw to get a welkin and some primos?? aND I ALSO HAVE TO BE LUCKY? WHAT-"

"WHERE'S MY FREE MONA,"

In need of mona. He needs mona so bad he literally spent his money on standard banner to get mona but always ends up with qiqi. Not that he's complaining but he just wants the astrologist to complete the support team

"GOD QIQI YOU AGAIN? WTF WFF WTF-" converts genesis crystal to primigems

"Tengen, you should control yourself!"

"SHUT UP KYOJURO, IM GONNA WASTE MY MONEY TILL I GET HER,"

"yeah but my f2p ass is hurting with how many bennett cons you got," droops

Tengen sees potential in every character. Everyone has their weakness and strength so when kokomi comes out, he diss her at first but then realize maybe its a new way for a character. Adds the uniqueness if he may say so.

"Meh i dont care honestly. You guys should pull whoever you find nice or beautiful. Like me ;)"

"Who do you main uzui?"

"Beidou,"

Type of player

Spoils the storylines, lores, leaks A LOT THE REST HAVE TO BLOCK HIM ON SOCIAL MEDIA

Speed runs the game and has become an endgame player ever since but he still does his daily commission and helps people with domains and stuffs

R5 every battle pass weapon

Fights azhdaha for fun and to test out his characters rather than ruin guards and stuff

Mona wanter

Puts traveller as the pfp and doesnt display any showcase of his characters and namecards. You can only see his achievements and spiral abyss ( 12-3 ). Says its for fun and mystery

Throws a lot of pickup lines and roleplays a lot. Spams your chatbox messages with stickers and censored stuffs

Probably steals your ores and exotic things like violetgrass, qingxin and silk flowers

Screams in the chatbox whenever he saw Mona until Kyojuro had to calm him down

Changes signature every single time and sometimes put spoilers in it

In every survey he would complain "MihoYo where the fuck is my Mona,"

Doesnt heals his characters

[socialistsooner420]

lately i been seeing a lot of misinformation goin around regarding opositions to marijuana legislation as well as misconceptions of cancer that are just boiling my blood.

i think as both a cancer patient and as a marijuana consumer the most irritating arguments against weed are "THEY DONT REALLY CURE CANCER YA KNOW???"

yeah, i do know. if that were the case i wouldn't have cancer in the first place. but do you know what marijuana DOES do for us cancer patients? heres a little bit of perspective of what we have to struggle with

having cancer is not just "you have [x amount of time] left to live". thats only in the movies, its never as cut and dry as that. the sad truth is there's a LOT of uncertainty in the entire process, from discovering somethings wrong/finding the tumor, having the courage to go to the doctor and explain everything to them, having to endure many invasive, PAINFUL tests, waiting for the results (took 2 weeks to get mine back), then you have to figure out how tell your loved ones. Ya know what helped ease my panic during all that overwhelming shit? marijuana

fun fact: a lotta people leave when ya tell em ya got cancer! its an extremely depressing reality we have to face. a lot of people compare drug additcs to cancer patients, the joke usually being "you can yell at a person who got addicted to drugs, they chose that! but you cant make fun of a cancer patient, because they didnt!" well, unfortunately, people can and do "make fun" (more like bullying....) of us. people DO scream at us. for example: when i told my mom my diagnosis, she screamed at me, as if i chose to have cancer. she asked me "how could i do this to HER?". So not only is cancer a grueling painful process, its also stressful, confusing, heartbreaking, uncertain, overwhelming, and fucking DEPRESSING. Marijuana helps me get my mind off of all that. Instead of the constant thoughts such as "when will this cancer finally kill me so i can stop being such a huge burden on my family?" i can give my mind a rest and think happy thoughts instead.

a lot of cancers cause supressed appetites. thats why a lot of us are extremely underweight and gaunty. marijuana helps us regain our appetites and not have to starve and waste away! it also helps keep us at a consistent weight, another really dangerous problem for us.

In addition to having difficulty putting food down, its also hard for us to keep our food down. our supressed appetites come with the extra pain of extreme nausea and vomiting, which oh hey! personal experience i had today; i violently threw up 8 times in a row after only eating a bag of chips (supressed appetites make it VERY hard to eat actual meals), and i thought i was going to drown in my own vomit because i couldn't stop and breathe. i didnt smoke first 🤔 but i drank plenty o water and smoked some marijuana afterwards, and wouldnt ya know, no more nausea, and i was able to keep my next snack down.

cancerous tumors often become inflamed, randomly and for indefinite amounts of time. i cannot even begin to explain the unbearable pain it causes. it feels like there's a giant ball of itchy fire inside your body. Marijuana helps the inflammation go down and relaxes the body.

in addition to inflammations, tumors are just naturally painful. its a mass growing exponentially inside your body, compressing your internal organs, LITERALLY STRETCHING YOUR SKIN, and literally an extra weight to carry around. You know what can safely help take that pain away, without all the shitty side effects for pain medications such as oxys/percs (which is what they had me on before Oklahoma passed Medical Marijuana legislation)? Marijuana. Marijuana helped the pain better than oxy or percs, and Marijuana certainly didnt force me to become bedridden and sleep 20 hrs a day like oxys/percs did

Speaking of sleep, trying to sleep with cancer is also difficult. the pressure of anything even remotely close to your tumor area. I had a massive tumor in my breast that was almost 5 POUNDS, and even my shirt touching it hurt. imagine sleeping with a bowling ball extremely poorly ducktaped tightly to your chest. Thats what I had to do. you know what helped me sleep though?

you guessed it!

Medical Marijuana

there's so many more benefits that it has for different cancer types, as well as other ailments, but i wont go further because that would take forever to list. my point here though is that no medical marijuana advocate is saying its the end all cure all, just that there are many people that it could help who we're denying in favor of big pharmas opiod crisis.

its just plain ignorant and legitimately harmful to the people marijuana could benefit to deny that it helps sick people, especially cancer patients.

im so sick of hearing shit like "well pot ruined my sons life, now he's unemployed and plays video games all day" like bitch do you think i fucking care??

marijuana literally SAVED and continue to save my god damn life every day. its not pots fault you raised a shitty son with no rules or boundaries, i also know plenty of recreational smokers who hold down jobs and are well off, so its not weeds fault yr sons a loser.

im just glad oklahoma has pretty much the most liberal weed laws in the US. sq788 passed right after my surgery and i was so happy that finally i could legally and SAFELY get the medication that i had to do illegally for so long.

im ending my rant with this screencap of my favorite arch of archer when he had breast cancer which obviously hit close to home with me.

me too, archer, me too.

[angelmichelangelo]

1/2 nah foh with the homophobia argument thats such an odd and sad cop-out when it comes to someone having a different opinion to you... i also would hardly call myself a phanti at this point i just get so??? when ppl post abt dnp being 100% in love and blah blah like. alright! im of the opinion that i wont post any of that shit until they want us to fully know theyre together which they clearly dont. like yes ppl can read between lines i know but they still .. havent said it and dont start

right off the bat, i really don’t like the tone of this ask but yknow i’m gonna give you the satisfaction of me answering this so we can have a... somewhat civilised conversation about this, since i did invite anyone with their own “phanti” opinions to come give me their reasonings.

the homophobia explanation is definitely not a cop-out for someone having a different opinion to me. like i said, i really do not care in what you believe when it comes down to dan and phil. it just truly baffles me as to why phantis wanna come onto our side and get flustered when we start talking about it, like? do you not have your own fandom spaces to make those kinds of posts? you clearly know that a majority of us here are not gonna agree with you. but, i digress.

dan and phil, a long time before coming out, lived in, what a lot of people called; a glass closet. so, obviously they weren’t actually out out, but they insinuated. they got comfy with us. they let us, the viewers know, and that’s why we have a somewhat.. relaxed relationship with them. they consider us more than just “fans” (a word they don’t even like to use) because yet. the whole “they know we know” DOES matter. dan’s mentioned it countless times before, that his audience helped him overcome certain things in regards to his sexuality. he’s said that because of his support and of our understanding, it helped him come out.

anon, if you don’t want to believe it. i really am fine with that. it’s not my job to change your mind. for whatever reason you’re so against it, then... idk. i hope you figure that out. dan and phil aren’t gonna scold you for thinking “hey! they’re cute together!”

the most interesting thing to me is, how a lot of people like yourself always try to... i guess, defend? dan and phil? and. yknow. i guess your heart is in the right place! you don’t want them to get hurt or upset and i get that. but dan and phil are quite literally grown men.

it kinda links into the argument of “why do you write fanfiction about real people thats so gross!” and when it applies to real people who have opposed of having fanfiction written about them, then sure i guess. but dan and phil have mentioned a bunch of times that they’re fine with us writing smut and drawing them in any which way. and that ties in with discussion their relationship. they’ve liked fanart before that has them being “couple-y.” phil’s read out comments before that joke about relationships. dan’s been VERY open on stereo lately (see, story about phil’s bare ass) and from what i can gather, they really don’t have a problem with that. the things dan mentioned in BIG about people prying, is in reference to things like people stalking his brother for information, or when people found phil’s private facebook and starting sharing his personal things around. THAT, yes is too far. but from what i’ve seen since i’ve been here? none of that. we just have a good time and get to look up to two queer icons and celebrate their love! why not be on that side!! it’s so much more fun, i promise!

i can assure you anon, if we’ve stepped anywhere we haven’t been allowed, dan and phil are very capable of telling us. there’s a trust between them, and their audience. that’s why they’re finding it easier and more enjoyable to be more open with us. that’s why they’re celebrating their forever home with us. so if that’s what you’re worried about, you really don’t have to. dan and phil are dumb but they’re not idiots.

[badatusernames]

CHOJI, SHIKAMARU, LEE, GAARA & HINATA!! ITS A LOT IM SORRY

THANK U FOR THIS...admittedly some answers may be a lil short just so i can like. Get to them all.

EDIT: IDK WHY IT LOOKS LIKE THIS. IM SO TIRED. IM SORRY ITS JUST A LONGASS NARUTO POST ON YOUR DASH I TRIED MY FUCKIN BEST YALL

SEND ME A CHARACTER AND I’LL DO THIS;

Chouji (man i’ve seen it spelled both ways and i’m just used to typing Chouji at this point sorry)

Sexuality Headcanon: Pansexual!!  Gender Headcanon: Cis male A ship I have with said character: SHIKAMARU. SHIKAMARU. SHIKAMARU. SHIKAMARUUUU, my god...just, everything about their dynamic makes my heart melt, the way they’re both people who are easily dismissed by others and how they have such UNFALTERING FAITH in each other. chouji knows how much of a genius shikamaru is, knows very well the fact that despite his laziness, once he commits to something he’s in it for the LONG HAUL, the way shikamaru just believes so steadfastly in chouji, considering him stronger than NEJI FOR FUCKS SAKE...they like. get one another, the kind of relationship where you can be yakking away one minute and then just sitting in contented silence the next. they can just laze around. maybe play video games and snack. and sometimes...kiss. and it’s so chill even with that latent tenderness their later relationship develops and they both just feel so safe and KNOWN and familiar like. love your best friend. anyway everyone slept on shikacho and y’all should be ashamed the naruto fandom is enormous and finding pretty much ANY content for it is almost impossible aside from the small (if lovely and amazing) tag and i’m pretty hyperfixated on it if you couldn’t tell holy SHIT.  A BROTP I have with said character: i’m really not a fan of ino taking potshots at him for his weight and outright shaming him, but once she grows out of that i absolutely love their friendship. listen, you know that post thats like--hold on

thats just them, thanks. A NOTP I have with said character: i have nothing against karui but canon is fucking dead to me and my opinions on p much all the “endgame” ships range from utterly neutral to absolute loathing. their relationship is on neither end of the spectrum, but. eh. definitely not into it. A random headcanon: he keeps nursing injured animals back to health because he’s just that fucking sweet and bringing them back to his house to keep them warm and safe while they recover and his team knows vaguely about this and ino and shikamaru like to poke fun at him for it but since they don’t tend to encounter said animals, it’s not really a huge deal.

of course they stop by his house one day bc he hadn’t shown up for training which is annoying and frankly a little concerning and finding the house mostly empty ino just bursts on into chouji’s room only to immediately have the opossum he’s been caring for latch its little paws on her face and cling.

it’s a bad morning. General Opinion over said character: literally one of my absolute favorites of all time and it really breaks my heart how overlooked he is in the fandom (seriously y’all...). i think kishimoto is kind of a stupid hack and the Fat Jokes are really grating and it sucks to see that so intrinsically tied to his character (like. just let him be fat. jesus christ) but his kindness and overall relaxed, loyal and lovable nature has me just melting. i adore him. 

Shikamaru

Sexuality Headcanon: He’s gay, scoob. (I could also talk a lot about how his earlier misogyny is both a product of being a whiny tween and also some internalized frustration of like WHATS SO GREAT ABOUT GIRLS. UGH. I DONT. STOP TELLING ME IM GONNA FALL IN LOVE WITH ONE ONE DAY DAD JESUS. and let’s be real, thats frustrating, even if it aint an excuse)  Gender Headcanon: he uses he/him pronouns because it’s just what he’s used to and comfortable with but man gender is such a drag... A ship I have with said character: SEE ABOVE SHIKACHO RANT A BROTP I have with said character: naruto! he and naruto have a really adorable friendship and i love love LOVE that he and chouji were shown to be kind and accepting of him even when most people were shunning him. also he’s so fucking dumb i love seeing shikamaru meticulously plan out something only to have naruto shriek into battle and ruin all of it. love those guys. stupid bros.  A NOTP I have with said character: ok. im sorry i just. loathe sh*katema i really do. i haaaate the way kishimoto writes this whole “ew a GIRL” “ew a MAN” vibe with the like OOOH BUT THEYRE GONNA LIKE EACH OTHER vibe like. 

don’t get me wrong i adore them as friends, i think they’re fantastic scathing and witty pals who bitch about anything and everything including each other

but they’re also both gay and kishimoto can suck my nuts byeeee A random headcanon: sometimes pakkun just fucking Shows up and chills with him. shikamaru wants absolutely no part of this but is way too lazy to like. do anything about it so it’s just this guy and a dog sitting in a field chillin and occasionally him piping up like ‘hey kid. remember when i bit your hand? yeah? haha, man time sure does fly.” while shikamaru is just. go aWAY.   General Opinion over said character: if you told 9 year old me watching naruto for the first time my favs were gonna be a three way tie of lee, shikamaru and chouji i never would have fucking believed you but here we are. i love him. i absolutely love him. he’s such a whiny bastard and a really good depiction of burnout genius who doesnt want to do ANYTHING, but his intellect is an absolute DELIGHT to watch. i love him very much. 

Lee

Sexuality Headcanon: he’s pan!! this is a boy that crushes easily and crushes hard on just about anyone!!!! Gender Headcanon: cis male A ship I have with said character: ok i ship him a lot with neji actually? what with how neji grows during the course of the series to regard lee with the respect he deserves is really sweet and there’s just something so infinitely adorable about him going around being the hammiest, most ridiculously earnest, kind and enthusiastic person and neji, now that he isn’t constantly bitter and angry at the world can finally really see that? lee is always happily dropkicking his way into his life, like he wouldn’t have it any other way, and i think that’s just...so sweet A BROTP I have with said character: SAKURAAAAA. oh my GOD do i adore their relationship. ever since lee saved her and basically just gave her a glimpse of his...lee-ness, the fact her negative opinion of him IMMEDIATELY flipped and gave her such a strong admiration and fondness for him kills me DEAD. she always treats him with so much respect and the fact she’s quick to rag on anyone making fun of him melts my HEART!! and on lee’s side, his little crush on her is adorable of course, but the sheer strength of the friendship that comes from it is more than infatuation could ever offer him. i want them to hang out together and talk about their troubles...i want them to make each other laugh and be so very kind to each other...i want sakura to storm over and throw him over her shoulder to TAKE A BREAK ALREADY when he’s been training too hard for too long. god. A NOTP I have with said character: honestly i’m pretty happy with a lot of lee ships! the only ones i view with obvious disdain are the ones with creepy age gaps honestly. A random headcanon: out of everyone in the leaf genin, he’s probably the closest anyone’s ever come to someone who EVERYONE is at least distantly friendly towards. like god have you SEEN how warm and inviting and concerned he is the SECOND he sees that naruto is feeling down? i get the sense he’s immediately inclined to provide that kind of support to any of his comrades, even the ones that Resist it.

you think sasuke is the most popular among the leaf genin? puh-LEASE. everyone looks on rock lee with at least a LITTLE bit of warmth. thats just fact. General Opinion over said character: since my first viewing of naruto he has been my Absolute fav, and while chouji and shikamaru are veeery close to stealing that spot, one look at him and i feel he’s gonna be on top forever. probably the best written character kishimoto’s ever produced that’s remained in  the main cast (tho i dont speak for shipudden onwards who fucking knows, but the truth of it is is i adore rock lee)

Gaara

Sexuality Headcanon: Panromantic Asexual Gender Headcanon: kind of like shikamaru, i feel like he uses he/him pronouns but also doesn’t particularly....Care? A ship I have with said character: ok so it wasnt until my naruto rewatch that i really started falling into this but i think him and naruto are super cute? while i loathe kishimoto for ruining so much abt this show he really is good at creating good foils to naruto, and gaara is no exception--and the way naruto changes his life by just kicking his ass (and proving he’s not just a Simp or smth) and then just, extending genuine empathy and a REAL sense of truly relating to where he’s coming from re:his upbringing? the EFFECT it has on him, bro!!!! my god!!! i feel like they’re that opposites attract ship that don’t clash constantly but instead fall into this adorable synergy and understanding? and i think thats so sweet A BROTP I have with said character: ...is it cheating to just put temari and kankuro here? bc they are literally his siblings but my GOD do i love their relationship. there’s something so deeply sad about their initial situation??? like having siblings that either are deeply fucking afraid of you or clearly don’t care for your well being whatsoever, it’s such a tragic scenario, and the times where they really do show legitimate care for gaara just breaks my heart...but the GROWTH. THE DEVELOPMENT. THE HEALING. i love the sand siblings so much, i am a STRONG advocate of seeing the development from estranged family to loving, occasionally bickering siblings who absolutely Love Each Other A NOTP I have with said character: uhhhh same with lee in that i don’t really mind most of the ships i’ve seen him in? while i don’t particularly ship gaalee i think its also Very Cute, and really it all just seems pretty valid as long as people aren’t being creepy? A random headcanon: i’ve been wracking my brain for one for a good 20 minutes and i just don’t have one he’s such a mystery to me/????? i love him but he is an enigma?? General Opinion over said character: oh my god he’s such an edgelord in the beginning. i’ve been doing a lot of this naruto rewatch with my friend @drashseed (a simply phenomenal fella 10/10 follow him) and every single time he talked the only valid response just became “ok gaara”

but his backstory? utterly HEARTWRENCHING. and his growth is just. absolutely divine, i adore him. thank you mister sandman for doing so much for us all.

Hinata

Sexuality Headcanon: Bisexual Gender Headcanon: cis woman A ship I have with said character: listen. i think kibahina is........Really Really cute. he cares about her so MUCH??? and there’s a certain tenderness to his interactions with her that’s just really evident whenever you see em together? i really love that you get the sense hinata is COMFORTABLE around him!!! like! i feel like hinata really deserves to have a partner who sees her when she ISN’T blushing and stammering? when she’s like? legitimately comfortable and being HERSELF? (dgmw the blushing is adorable i fucking love her but its one of the gripes i have with naruhina that so much of it is just naruto being oblivious and her having a small panic attack) the comfort she and kiba have make for a chill, adorable relationship i just cry over constantly A BROTP I have with said character: so i was GONNA put naruto here, but technically i already put him there for shikamaru’s so i’m gonna say neji!!! uhhh OBVIOUSLY they got off to a. very rough start but the way their dynamic changed (or perhaps in a way reverted back to the times they interacted before neji’s father died and temporarily killed his Human Decency) into this respect and fondness that’s just...such a delight to watch? i’m a SUCKER for slow and mutual reconciliation and there are just so many sweet moments between them. they are FAMILY, BRO!!! THEY CARE FOR EACH OTHER, BRO!!!!!!!!!! A NOTP I have with said character: ...at the risk of sounding like a broken record, i think a lot of hinata ships are quite cute? i guess i’m gonna have to say sasuke. because like.

has. he ever even looked at her. please. jesus christ. she deserves so much better. A random headcanon: she is a LOT physically stronger than she looks!! a lot of her combat techniques rely on taijustu after all so it’d make sense that she puts a lot of effort into physical training alongside chakra control.

i’m trying to say she’s strong. not as strong as sakura but. she can lift her bf up over her head (he’s dying hes dying he’s dYING he lOVES HER SO MUCH). it’s pretty fuckign badass

General Opinion over said character: i LOVE her??? honest to god i really really do--honestly while i dislike the direction they went in canon with her, i really loved seeing her be motivated to grow and change the parts of herself she hated to become a stronger person.

that and she’s so fucking cute and sweet and i just??????? bless her honestly.

[burnedbyshoto]

I know, right?! I really hate Endeavor and Mineta too!! 😡 Because Mineta disrespects women so much and Endeavor is so worstest abusive father in the world I know!!! 😡😡

mineta needs a personality glow-up and endeavor needs to do so much in order to ever deserve forgiveness for what he did to his family. 

like i dont necessary hate endeavor, but i don’t enjoy where his path took him. im a manga reader, so maybe that’s why i have the opinion i have on him, but he’s obviously dealing with shit. it’s just where it mattered most he chose the worst options and thus made himself a villain even if he did it with “pure” intentions. he was powerhungry and with a fierce competitive spirit. basically something like bakugou was facing, but unlike bakugou it seemed that endeavor just never grew out of it and did the best he could, instead turning everything into a lineage. 

it also goes into bringing the hero billboard awards things. endeavor is hinted at being number two for basically two reasons his insanely powerful quirk and his ability to close cases. his closed cases outnumbers ALL MIGHT who is obviously far older than Endeavor. endeavor doesn’t have that big of a positive fan group, many citizens finding him more intimidating than heroic, so his popularity is probably very low. but he has top areas for two things, and if he had just been a nicer hero, im sure he probably could have been able to snag the number one hero spot from all might at some point!

thats what frustrates me the most about endeavor. he’s damn good at his job. that is a fact no one can take from him. but his inability to become a hero out of the aspect of closing cases was his downfall. he doesn’t understand why he has to be liked by the general population and because of that his approval rating is shit. so of course, he’s never going to be able to touch all might in that regard. maybe endeavor did see these points i made, but decided that it didn’t matter whether people feared or loved him because power is what mattered in the end. 

in that case, it just makes my heart ache because how fucked up does he have to be in order to not only believe that but continue on to fuck up future generations. i mean fuyumi is a sweet angel that overcame it, natsuo will forever resent him, touya/dabi tf where is he??? with the lov and why does no one seem to care about him not being there. rei is still in a fucking mental hospital 10 years after cracking, and shouto is super confused on where he stand with his father.

regardless, endeavor fucked up, and it pisses me off that he intrigues me so much because i can never condone abuse but i want to know more!!!!!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

like i said i’ve never dated anyone, never slept w anyone, never even really kissed anyone that i count as a proper kiss; i don’t regret this as i’ve never really wanted to date anyone and i doubt i ever will—not in the proper “romantic” context anyways. in fact nowadays the idea of being totally independent in that regards is appealing whereas the abstract concept of being with someone makes me feel Neutral - Put Off

as per kissing, i just havent happened to do that tho im not put off by the concept, exactly. its the same w having sex—i’m not against it, but i do have a lot of boundaries and i wouldnt be surprised if nobody came along at the right time that i’d be comfortable being fwb. but there’s a chance i could ever have an orgasm w someone else’s help, as i’ve never even gotten close on my own, but frankly if this never happens at all i dont really care. im just mad that i don’t have access to this basic ass thing. being able to masturbate and get an orgasm. thanks for another arbitrary shit deal that ought to be one fuckin luxury in this life

also im fine w kissing to express affection. but again; boundaries. again; not betting anyone will come along who i’ll be comfortable kissing, awesome if they do. again; dont really care much abt missing out

oh im also always annoyed abt virgin jokes. i also would not call myself or anyone else a virgin because thats a fake and shitty concept but you know. there’s really no way not to be mocked here and i’m not about to take on the burden to spend 49 min dismantling why it shouldn’t really be particularly funny or be obligated to lay out every reason i’ve never had sex to prove that i get to be exempt from being laughed at

also it doesnt help i’ve never dated anyone b/c thats like oh definitely a loser. and im fine w it myself but im not fine w other ppls shit obviously. and yeah i’ve turned people down but i shouldnt have to say so. yeah i guess its hilarious or whatever that im single. im used to all kinds of contempt based on other bare bones factoids abt you and im not about to hide anything abt myself so that i can, idk, retain the respect of total asshats

oh and then there’s the fact that i dont really drink. ive been drunk once for like five min but that was coz i was dehydrated and didnt stop to think that my first drink shouldnt be coincidentally a cocktail that i didnt even like b/c i can’t get thru a full glass of anything containing rum w/o it being just punishment and gagging at the end. nobody likes alcohol for the taste and i dont like getting drunk coz ive never had friends for social drinking and all alcohol does for me is the Depressant shit of making me even more tired. but i dont have to abstain b/c of religious or Moral High Ground reasons and yeah i’ll have a drink to be polite or b/c i came to this bar to use their tvs or whatever but most of the time i dont bother but if you say you don’t drink assholes wanna ask why for shitty reasons and for the sake of ppl who truly would not be comfortable answering that question i hate being asked it and also ive never been non-sober in other ways and don’t particularly want to but i very much despise the whole straightedge thing and gotta explain im Not That lol like. its never enough to just say you dont want to. i mean, of course it is, it should be, but people act like its not

anyways back to the never dating ppl and don’t particularly intend to ever do so—sucks becauseeeee

1) having that kind of partner is being given priority from someone in a way you probably won’t be given otherwise (*i* won’t be given otherwise, i don’t have family or longtime close friends, and i wouldnt expect or want anyone i know to have to support me this much)

2) related to that first point—all the kinds of support ppl get in a relationship, financial and emotional and all that shit. like even that simple issue of how married ppl often get a bunch of essentials as wedding gifts that a single person has to buy themselves and theyre not getting to split the rent either lol

3) related to the first and second point—you’re the extra wheel around all the Most People You Know who arent interested in being single forever. like man i third wheel even as a friend amongst friends. and im just not interested anymore. used to be more depressed abt how Never Dating Anybody means youre guaranteed to be non top tier priority to anyone but im less bothered by the idea of not getting that kind of support. i have myself to be my Number One and its never enough to make sure things are okay for you but i dont care about how little other people might care about me b/c i’m not interested if they’re not

like its not me who has a problem w me not wanting anything Romantic but its so fuckin like hammered in as the ultimate peak of humanity that there’s plenty of external bullshit with this. smh

[ethicallysourcedhumanmeat]

the big end of summer mood is feeling like I am bad at therapy

like do I simply subconsciously say the wrong stuff? am I downplaying things without meaning to? It's possible I am bad at talking about things to new people I am so afraid of being weak or apearing incapable. I am still really shit at explaining how bad my physical illness related symptoms are with my GP bc I cannot appear in public looking like i feel as badly as I do, I really worry that because I dont know how to let myself look/sound in a way that matches what I feel like that I'll never get real care ever.

At the same time in my last appointment I really clearly tried to express, when she told me I was using positive accenting language, that I dont feel accepting, i feel resigned, I feel like I dont have a choice and she was like but your language is important! and i did try to argue like I am really vain, I hate to appear weak and out of control, and I have expressed this difficulty in past appointments with regards to my GP.

I dont know, I think Ive worn this mask of everything is fine smiling through all the bullshit so long that maybe I'm just stuck here, like this, forever. Like no matter how aware of my own shit I am no matter how aware i try to make professionals if I can not be honest can they help me? and if I'm just pathologically incapable of having feelings in front of strangers what is the point of therapy?

I dont know, in 4th grade I emotionally froze when faced with my best friend dying, I was then basically berated for it by a grief counselor in front of teachers, Ive experienced so much loss and trauma and until the ptsd hit I didn't cry, like from age 9 to age 28? I cried 4 times?

Brandy 's funeral, when my grandfather was missing (but not when they confirmed he was dead), Mike's funeral, and when I found out I was pregnant the first time. at Mike's funeral this horrible dude who dated a friend and i genuinely did not like was so concerned bc i just sort of went from normal to fully sobbing that he like hugged me like im sorry how fucked up emotionally am I that a person who genuinely didnt like me, had seen me experience other friends die, other funerals, genuinely worried for me lmao.

i cry constantly now, but not when people can see me usually unless its a panic attack. I dont know how to talk about it, i dont know how to get help or what yo expect, maybe this is normal i dont know no one can answer me when i ask they want to know my expectations and i font know? that i get better? that i get coping mechanisms?? i dont know what that looks like i want to now be sick of myself all the time, i want to be sble to clean my room, move out of my parents house, not frustrate my best friend bc they're the only person who actually hears what I'm saying when i speak

[pokefanbri]

"Home is where the heart is" I dont have to tell you where that lies. But its only part of the pain. I know in my heart I'm a good person, but my life has been in shambles since I was young. Theres many like me, that dont deserve the life they were given & yet somehow persevere through it just to survive & try to be happy through the pain.

How I ask do I deserve not to be happy. I feel there was no justice for me, I was dishonorably discharged lol. I was truly happy where I was, but even if i were to travel place to place...that is also in my blood, not just the place I resided.

I was at home, I was at peace, I truly loved everyone there & every second. But do I dare go there again, absolutely in a heartbeat. But this is what kills me, Part of me says "this is your life now, accept it, push through even if u can't" the other part of me says that ill be white knighted with a bust through the door like the kool-aid man & he says "sike, yea i fucked it up & didn't realize I had something special, will u forgive me" 😅

But i know that could just be my imagination & im overthinking again. But where actually is my life headed? I have a good heart, i care so much about those thats affected me even in a bad way...but maybe that's God's love showing right through me, because I forgive easy & help those that need it. My brother says that a "helper" is equivalent to a partner in crime & all aspects, a soul mate. He throws the word around with this subject, but he's also trying to find his forever helper which he believes is the mother of his 1st born children. Thats great, given the right circumstances & if her situation was better, yea they could probably try.

For me, caring & trust is my biggest downfall. Because i do so much for others b4 myself, I end up taken advantage of or at least feeling like it. Even if its not the case, the wrong thats been done to me all my life..made me this way. I cant help that. And to find someone that I trusted fully, only to find out that I couldn't. That breaks a person like me down & actually hurts to the core. I didnt deserve that, but it was the disservice that was thrust upon me without a 2nd thought. I wasn't given the proper chance to love someone because they refused to love me back & yea most of the time it was about them...but thats a leo for ya 😅

When someone shares it mutually, everyone wins, you're complete, u have that "helper" you've been longing for all your life. The good times that were shared, the humorous banter, doing something for the other just cuz u can & cuz u want to, showing eachother off to friends & family like "yea thats my babe right there" as if to say they were happy u were there,the best friend & sidekick that everyone needs...it was all gone in a blink of an eye. Leading on my heartstrings, making me fall harder & harder, the friendship to the end even, all for nothing. But because of all the positives, thats what gets me, it's why my pain is so confusing. Why was it all like that if not on purpose whether for a positive reason I have yet to understand, to make it easier for them not to deal without regard for the others feelings, or cause God making me suffer more through it to make me stronger...when I thought I was done with low struggles already.

Idk man, I just dont understand. But because of what my life has been like over the past half of the year, all the positives makes me want more...because I never got all of him in the 1st place. I always wanted more because he held himself back & on purpose. So maybe it did seem like attachment, but only cuz I longed for the same feeling in return & didnt give up trying to find it..literally any sign of it. I was trying to figure his sweet ass out & learn what kind of person he really was lol, so I could accommodate to him more especially in the last weeks I was sweating my ass off 😆 I was dedicated so much I was willing to change what wasn't liked on the outside. Like I wanted to do so much to keep the best thing i had, cause deep down I knew his old feelings fizzled out quick & I just didnt understand & I still dont. I mean I guess I understand if he wasn't ready for a commitment? And that's fine, but he committed b4 & when I was brought there. What is it that was so wrong about me, that negative thoughts festered so much about someone it makes u think someone else is the problem, when its not the case at all.

Theres nothing i can think of, nothing else i could've done to show my worth, that I wasn't a waste of time. Maybe I pushed too hard? But in those last few weeks I gave space & focused on myself & my tasks at hand with so much more effort to have some kind of a chance, to save what was precious to me..save someone else that couldn't rise up on their own. & i blew it somehow. I was told i settled, but that was the point from the beginning that we both agreed upon. I think it was just that the other was getting comfortable with someone around & it scared em..to where they couldn't do all they wanted in life along with dealing with someone else at the same time. Or possibly felt 1 or the other wasnt good enough for the other & felt inadequate or unequiped. And searching for someone else to fill a void they already had at home, thats another thing that befuddles me. The last time I saw him, it didn't look or sound like he cared, avoided eye contact til he drove off & my heart sank even more as I knew it might be the last time I ever saw him. I was too pissed & in the heat of the moment flipped him off til he was out of sight, but after...i wanted to die right then & there but my best friend was there & we were on a deadline just as he was. If I were alone & my friend wasn't there, I'd be sobbing in that parking lot for hours til someone found me.

They, he, had it all but lost it due to their own negligence, in my opinion.

I mean come on whats not to like about me that didn't go hand in hand with what they were searching for.

The perfect heritage to match his (Templin Germany the 7th largest region) with some jew blood, same interests & hobbys, outlook on life, the lucky number, a good & gentle soul with a love for God. Passion for travel, soft spot for bald eagles, the dream of becoming a parent 1 day, intellectually & gamer gifted, both loves BLT sandwiches...because i da snack too 😏, both have the same middle name but spelled differently & 30yr olds with same hs class year, I have 3 hansome brothers & he has 3 beautiful sisters. I mean Dafuq? Lol. We're total opposites & literally residing NE to SW of the country, 1 grew up well the other not so much...yet we still were able to find eachother....somehow? Bro how about u try the other half of the yr here, 6 month equivalent & finish 2020 the right way huh lol BET 😂 oh man. A girl can dream though can't she?

I have a college writing level & training in business, musical theater, massage therapy (which was the fav), veterinary tech college training in hs, 7 years of choir under my belt since 5th grade including after hs in multiple churches & my choir teachers wedding. I Iove animals, likes to paint, great with technology, listen to music & sing along to every word almost exact, family oriented, a gaming & content creating wizard, passion for helping people, can organize & clean the shit out of anything, can be the boss when i feel the need as well as the spunk & charisma to push forward at any given task. I can multitask & can get shit done if I set my mind to it, if there's something or someone I need to feel purpose to be my best self, yea & if I'm accepted, that's purpose enough right there to get my ass moving.

Yea, jumbling alot of shit in my early life made me crack under the pressure but only cuz i really went over the top & burnt out. But ive relaxed alot since then & am treated for my ailments, ive learned to do things to pace myself now to prevent a psychosis from ever happen again.

Ive said this b4, there was 1 other that also broke up with me...1st time it ever happened the other way around mind u, was also a Leo.. shocker lol. After only 3 months & of me saying the L word too quick...it was what finally broke me, what added ontop of everything else. I was living in my own apt since hs & after school a yr later at 19..he lived in the same apt complex & worked where i did. We hit it off really well & loved talking to eachother at work, almost the same humorous & smart personality with a passion for gaming, dead ass great driver, skinny & ample where it counted, & yea also a weed enthusiast 😅 all of it pretty much the same as the recent one in my life. Honestly thinking about it now they probably would've been great friends lol. Thomas was his name, but I was in a relationship at the time of meeting him as well. But I didn't pursue anything til that relationship blew up in my face just cuz my current bf's grandfather was my boss & saw how well Thomas & i got along as friends, associated it with cheating, & that was that. Tom could be mine after all lol, chips fell into place on their own after he professed his feelings to me on his MySpace blog so damn smoothly lol 😂 Saying there was a girl he liked, i commented on it, he asked me out, that was trap lol, but it worked lol. The chemistry was 🔥

But yea, we had alot fun together & he was completely chill with me. But after it ended it set something off in me. Ended up in a psych ward for 2-3 weeks, little did I know he was worried sick & had no idea where i was or how to visit. I wasnt allowed to have my phone but the persons number I knew by heart, was the previous guy b4 tom, the chubby aloof dumbass that was my 1st love lol. Tom hated him with a passion cuz this dude wasn't a man that treated me fairly, pushed onto me by his family for me to take care of, shelter & feed him mooching off of me & taking advantage of a comfortable place to live at 1 point. When i was in the hospital, my 1st was the 1 to pick me up. When I got back from the hospital I learned of how tom was worried & he gave me a big hug. But by that point I was back with the 1st...somehow that happened & I actually don't remember what brought it on cuz my memory throughtout those weeks was dowsed in medication...but Thomas was the one heartbroken instead of me this time cuz he actually did want me back, the fact I took this other guy back over him, a person he despised...was terrible to him & he severed all ties, moved away. He broke up with me, technically it was okay as so i thought to see someone else regardless if it was an ex or not. i didn't know I had another chance at all.

But anyway, the difference between the 2 leo Ts, 1 let me in completely, cared about me as much as i did for him in same way & the L word too soon is what did it in for him after 3 months 🤷‍♀️ The other T well..unfortunately 1 sided for the most part despite how well we clicked, i was faithful & the other tried not to be after 3 months & hid things due to his own insecurities, pulling me along for another 3months when I didn't have to do jack for him at all after that point, but I did. I might've said the L word too soon with him as well idk. But because I'm a different person than I was then, there's no psychotic break...its just the depressed feeling of defeat with the mix of the longing i still have for him.

Wtf is it with T names & the number 3!? ffs! 😫 Briana Leigh Templin BLT, Bri Loves...whoever Tfuk 🤣

I cant write anymore today, I gotta leave tomorrow. My brother wants me to work for him instead & make more money, in a team that would be like in an office space, basically an assistant but making calls & checking in with clients within his real estate, solar, etc businesses.

But idk, I just got my foot in the door with something else. If I let go of that, for something that could or could not be bad for me, then what do I do? Neither of them sound any less stressful, bryans idea however earns more money & would have me dealing with stuff I like to do in regards to skills maybe? Idk man, idk. It'd a tough call.

My point in writing this, nothing accept to show how much I thought he was perfect for me, just as he originally thought about me. These are all thoughts going through my mind, get them out of my head. To talk openly the way I am, its therapeutic. But I miss him so damn much, not sure when this feeling will go away. I still love him & even dare I say trust him,even through his lying ass faults & idk why, i shouldn't but i do...thats the powerful effect he had on me. Still waiting on the last promise to be friends, im giving space, venting here instead of to him cuz i wouldn't want to be that much of an annoyance. I was going to include more but it'd be dark & negative,& im not about outing the worst in people especially if he was a good guy for the most part...no that wouldn't be right, probably deserves it to be honest..but no. I still wanna do right by him. That's all for now

[musubiki]

Do you mind explaining coco and taffy's dynamic a bit? Why they like each other how they influence each other? I got on this coffy train like everyone else and plum forgot why HAHAHAHAHA

AAA OKAY YES I WILL EXPLAIN THIS BECAUSE THEY OCCUPY A GOOD 33.3% OF MY BRAIN BUT I NEVER TALK ABOUT THEM.,..

im gonna put it under a read more because SPOILERS GALORE for the webcomic, so if you wanna find this stuff out organically feel free to wait!! theres also some stuff in here thats a recent development regarding cocos personal goals that are very relevant to taffy, which is also spoilers, so dont click if you dont wanna know!!

anyway, on the surface personality levels, coco (as we all know) is a hardass, kinda dumb, ready to fight everything, super spunky, super rough, super badass cool chick, and taffy is the dark and brooding, emo but actually very troubled and very awkward around normal people, so the dynamic is badass chick/emo awkward bad guy

the reason taffy falls for coco (im leading with this because it happens chronologically) is that he is love-starved in every sense. he had no family/friends growing up, and since hes the only water mage, he was basically groomed by amanita into her personal kill-the-cat-witch machine, brought up believing the cat witch cursed his life and he has to kill her to save it. even then she was very distant, so the only other human interaction he has is at his night-shift job at the docks shoveling fish guts and scraping barnacles off ships to pay for food, where they basically treat him like the classic minimum wage/intern that everyone treats like shit (except for one guy, which ends up being limes grandfather). my mans has never know appropriate levels of kindness and warmth, and any time he did he treated it with skepticism and doubt.

when coco first meets him, theres a point where she shows him an act of kindness, and his brain doesnt know how to process it. between unfamiliarity and fear, there's a softness that develops for her that he has no idea how to control or suppress, so lowkey, it consumes him a bit. and heres a little tidbit of lore, but for magic users of any kind, the love they are capable of having is VERY strong, so the chances of any magic user (this applies to mochi and taffy) falling OUT of love is very unlikely. he’ll love her forever. he doesnt know how this happened, it just did.

from cocos end, there was no initial softness, and normally she ISNT the random act of kindness type. the circumstances of what she did for taffy that one time was very special. to begin, coco, at the beginning of the webtoon, is an orphan. her parents died about 2-3 years before the start of the story and since then, shes been under the care of her aunt and uncle. when she moves to wessport, she moves because she doesnt want to be a burden staying with them anymore, so she stays in her uncles old apartment so she can pay for her own food and bills, and they can worry about their kids (her twin cousins)

before her parents died, she had a really good relationship with them, BUT, she was still a delinquent kid. shed always skip class and/or be late, didn't do too well with grades, but still, her parents had a lot of love for her. anyway, a little while before they died, they made a little checklist for her to help her progress as she started to get closer to graduation. at first she was kinda “ehhh lame i dont wanna!!” but after they died, she found the list again, and decided to go through with it for them. among that list (but not all of it) was stuff like finding good friends, joining the student council, being kind to someone you dont like, and helping someone like her.

anyway, that one kind act to taffy checked off that point about “being kind to someone you dont like” and after interacting with taffy a few more times (including him saving her life despite kidnapping her), he also became the person she wanted to help. and throughout the story she feels bad about lowkey betraying mochi over it, but decides that if hes a hopeless case she’ll just kick his ass. except that the more interactions she has with him, the more she realizes, “oh shit, he really is lost. this guy isnt even that evil, he's just misled this is fucked up.”

and after a while she ends up caring about him a lot more than just something to check off her not-bucket list. anyway, they both just kinda help each other grow out of a lot of stuff, she helps him develop something other than that horrible abusive relationship he has with amanita, and accidentally, he helps her open up to both him and mochi (because i know in the story right now she seems really silly and cool and dumb, but on a deeper level she really.,..doesnt wanna love anyone. my girl got issues. i think she realizes its stupid but cant help that feeling of “i dont wanna care about anyone ever again because i dont wanna go through losing them”)

and at the end of it all when taffy comes around and realizes, FINALLY, that the cat witch never cursed him, it was amanita so she could manipulate him, coco is like that bridge to a better life that he needs. shes the one who FINALLY is soft and lets him know “its okay they dont bite, just hang out with me, we cool.”

UHHH ANYWAY THATS THEIR STORY BASICALLY...THERES A LOT MORE THAT GOES ON BUT THATS BASICALLY WHAT HAPPENS BETWEEN THESE TWO!!!!!!!! 

[missjackil]

My 13.01 Opinion

Lost and Found I can’t tell you how happy I am that the boys are back, hiatus is over. and I can do this again!! Let’s get started shall we? From the jump, my emotions were high. We enter a brand new season to the tune of Nothing Else Matters by Metalica. Every season before now has used an upbeat song to open with, but this song is deep and emotional. The lyrics are SO fitting to Sam and Dean and where they are now. I will include the lyrics at the end of this, but I was particularly moved by the line

 “Trust I seek and I find in you. Every day for us, something new. Open mind for a different view, and nothing else matters” You can tell right away this season is going to be a hard one for our boys. Not that it hasn’t been before, but this one is going to emphasize that Sam and Dean can make it through anything, if they have each other. Nothing else matters but them in their world, and this show.  We start off immediately after where we left off at the end of S12. Sam being the first to meet Jack, and Dean looking at Cas’s body. Jack’s first word is to Sam and it’s “Father” of course Sam tells him he isnt his father, but this is going to be important in regards to Sam and Jack’s relationship. Sam is the first person he saw, the first to show him kindness, and the first to defend his life. Jack wont forget later when shit inevitably hits the fan.  Dean leaves Cas’s body to find Sam and he too meets Jack, but both he and Jack are startled at the sight of each other, Dean’s instinct is to shoot, and Jack’s is to scream and do this AWESOME thing that suspends Sam and Dean in mid air, and the effect where they move their heads in slow motion to look at each other was AWESOME!! I was really impressed with this and said WOOOAAAHHH!! out loud! 

Sam and Dean are knocked unconscious and Jack takes off.  Just before waking however, Dean has a dream or vision about their mother burning. Standing in front of them, like they were in 12.23 and catching fire, and then burning on the ceiling like in 1.1. This wasnt elaborated on, so it will probably come up later. We move on to Sam and Dean driving, looking for Jack. Dean is wrecked, talking about who they’ve lost (Cas, Mom and Crowley) and Sam, I cant say he was really in denial, or optimistic, but rightfully in disbelief, given their history, Sam was more like “Are they really gone?” Jack is walking down the road, completely naked, He arrives at a burger shack and talks into the drive through speaker, still looking for his father. This is really where the show establishes his innocence. I like Jack, a lot! They found us a very good actor to play a very interesting character, and I couldnt be happier with him!  Moving forward, we have 2 angels that appear over Cas’s body and they have a short exchange that shockingly mirrored the opinions of the fandom over the summer. The one Angel says “Castiel deserved better” and the other Angel responded “No, he actually didnt”. I was like “Wow, have they read Tumblr?” This has been argued all summer between members of the Fandom. Now i dont really want to go scene by scene with this, so Ill skip over all the angel fighting and people being flung around and go right to Dean praying  He’s lost, he’s crushed, and hes hopeless. He’s pissed and tells God that he and Sam need help, they’re not good, and they want everyone back that theyve lost, Cas, Mom and Crowley (which I thought very odd he didnt mention Rowena, but maybe there was a point). Dean is an emotional person to start with, but Jensen portrayed him more broken than we’ve seen yet. I personally don’t think it stems solely on these most recent losses, but the huge pile of pain hes suffered in the last 12 years has beat him down and he’s tired.  Sam is also spun out. We know he’s going to be the more optimistic one, but Jared successfully portrayed in his face  that he is just as crushed as Dean, but he’s allowing himself the distraction of Jack. We know Sam, the king of sublimation, cover it up with something else, and dont deal. The funeral pyre scene was heart wrenching. Sam’s lines made me ugly snot cry “We say thank you, we say Im sorry, we hope they’re somewhere better, and we say goodbye” (paraphrased)  Ive seen some some folks a little annoyed with this scene, that it was too much since we know Cas will be back, but we werent supposed to know Cas would be back, that ball kinda got dropped by Jared early on when he made an honest mistake when talking about the Scooby episode. And also, this wasnt just about their most recent losses.it was about everything, where they are now, who they have become, and what theyve been through. As they watched the black smoke of the pyre rise up, I know they were grieving everyone.  I was deeply moved by this episode, and I thought it was fantastic! The best season opener yet by far! Jack is awesome, I cant wait to get to know him better. He is going to bring us some great TV.  On a scale from Bloodlines to Who We Are (Yes, Who We Are tops my list now) I am going to give Lost and Found a 9. My only complaint really is the lack of broments. There was plenty of banter, and it wasnt like the brothers were sidelined, its just we havent gotten to the support part yet. Im sure it’s coming, the “we can get through this” and even the arguing about Jack. I think the boys were just acting in the immediate situation and didnt have time to digest whats happened. Im sure its coming though.  Predictions: We know Cas will be back in ep 6. Misha confirmed on twitter that Cas will come back in full power, with all his memories, so he wont be human Cas or Amnesia Cas, he will be more like season 4 Cas. That being said, I dont think Cas is going to be as warm to the Winchesters as he has been. I believe that in full Angel mode, he going to want to kill Jack, like the other Angels wanted to. Maybe not right away, we may get a few episodes where it seems Team Free Will is alive and kicking with a welcomed new member, but down the road, Cas is going to turn on Jack and the boys when his Angelic instincts kick in. I dont know if we will know right away and it just be the boys that are in the dark, and Cas playing them to regain their trust before he tries to take Jack by saying he promised Kelly, or if it will be a kind of “great reveal” like we had other times when Cas was deceiving them, But I certainly dont think the brothers’s relationship with Cas is going to be rainbows and butterflies for long. I also think there is a strong possibility that Cas will want to kill Sam too, being an “abomination” himself. So my thougth is, dont let yourself think that this is going to be one big happy hunter family, because its not going to be. I also think when Lucifer comes back, and he will, he will get to Jack and influence him badly. Jack will turn on the boys also, but not permenantly, it will come back to him that Sam and Dean did take care of him and showed him love, Sam particularly.  I feel like this season is going to press the issue that when everything and everyone else crumbles and falls at their feet, that Sam and Dean have each other. And nothing else matters.

So close no matter how far Couldn't be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are And nothing else matters Never opened myself this way Life is ours, we live it our way All these words I don't just say And nothing else matters Trust I seek and I find in you Every day for us something new Open mind for a different view And nothing else matters Never cared for what they do Never cared for what they know But I know

[spillingmylifetea4481]

Chapter 1: It's all downhill from here mom.

Fair warning: This will be a long ass story and it wont be the last. But I promise you it'll keep your attention. My earliest memory is my mother being thrown against the wall by her at the time boyfriend when I was two. Out of all fucking things right? My childhood wasnt horrible don't get me wrong. I was middle classed, living in south Florida so I was a bit of a minority being a white female who barely understood any spanish in a sea of all types of Latino American people. But I did have a lot of friends and lived blissfully unaware of real life responsibilites and situations. My mom was with the same man for 11 years since I was three. Although I couldn't for the life of me figure out why being that they violently argued almost every day. We will call him Jack. Jack was a self driven individual determined to be the next richest man in the world so he worked all day from home and had her working at home with him as well. I later found out when I was a teenager that she was a stripper before I was born trying to get out of her situation so I see the appeal in her taking his offer to help build his business from home. We moved constantly as he was trying to chase the money from Pembroke Pines, Ft.Lauderdale, Miramar, Apopka, Las Vegas. It seemed to stress her out trying to keep up with everything but back then I still didnt understand why she was so miserable. Ultimately this is all I knew of as far as what a relationship looked like. My mom used to be my best friend. When she wanted to get away she would always take me (sometimes our dog Jake too) with her. Most of the time to a movie or a park of some sort but we laughed and had loads of fun. She introduced me to video games, music, art, all things creative and fun. However looking back the bad outweighed the good. There was always a tension when I walked out of my room. I could almost smell her short temper and frustrations before I came downstairs. I always made her things and told her I loved her and tried to be a part of what she was doing. At least half the time she made it abundantly clear I was on her last nerve and she wanted me to leave her alone. At one point I had said I love you so many times in a short amount of time she yelled back annoyed "I LOVE YOU TOO." I remember that I kept saying it to try to make her feel better because she was stressed but really I guess I was bothering her. Im not saying she doesn't have a back ground for this cold shoulder she gave out so freely but it was definitely rough for a child to not see it as anything personal. She did however take care of me and made sure I had everything I could ever need or want. She never spanked me but she could be pretty cutthroat verbally. All my negative Florida memories consist of her screaming at Jack to the top of her lungs, hearing them have sex through the walls, slamming doors, being brought to my Aunts house for her to get away from Jack and playing with my cousin, or spending summers with my late grandmother in South Carolina. Hell one fight was so bad all I heard from inside there room was her screaming "Call the police!" As if Jack was harming her and I was scared for anyone to get in trouble and froze up..I just curled up in a ball and cried. Jack didnt hurt her. They were naked though which was odd to me. That was the day I first heard Jack tell her she needed help and look at what she was doing to her daughter. I couldnt have been more than 10 years old. About 2 years later we moved to Apopka Florida and that was the best place he ever moved us to hands down. But of course by the time I was 14 about to turn 15 Jack moved us to Las Vegas Nevada. That's when this mundane routine seemed to change within about 30 days. Financially it seemed that we were on top of the world really. We had a badass pool and jacuzzi attached with a waterfall into the pool and a stone slide. A casita (attatched one bedroom apartment type building meant for maids or someone of that sort). He ended up hiring a woman to live in that building to work for him on his everchanging business. We will call her Brazillian Lady. So after a few weeks my mother and I took a trip with my Aunt and cousin to Minnesota to visit their friend. After we came back mom and I noticed something a bit off about Jack and Brazillian Lady. She had dinner ready for us, ( That bitch couldnt cook if her life depended on it), house was clean, she was almost taking a house wife position catering specifically to Jack. One night Brazillian Lady supposedly went out to meet her boyfriend she claimed, and almost immediately after Jack left for the "gym". Mom and I decided to watch the movie August Rush together while she did some work on my laptop. Right about midway into the movie she yells "THEY ARE FUCKING". That movie is forever ruined for me. This asshat decided to use my computer to skype chat Brazillian Lady and didn't erase the fuckin evidence. All their dirty laundry was aired out to his family, friends, co-workers etc. It was almost artistic how mom handled this in my opinion. Before Jack and Brazillian Lady got home we threw all his shit downstairs and moved onto the Casita she was in. I personally went through all her shit, threw anything useful or expensive in the yard on top of dog shit. My mom stopped me at breaking her car window with my skateboard to avoid criminal charges. Was this the right thing for her to involve me at all? Nah. But it happened so here we are. I didn't ever really care for Jack. He was only ever interested in disciplining me and making empty promises to me regarding rewards for good grades. He treated me like a little sister and was always fighting me for my mothers attention. He walked around the house talking loudly on his stupid headset with no shirt, and gray cotton shorts never wearing underwear. He always changed the channel in the middle of me watching something and any time he tried to play with me he would rough house and accidently hurt me. He made my mom unhappy and I was thrilled to destroy his shit. When my mom dead ass asked me (a 14 year old teenager) if she should leave him,if I didn't want to live there with him anymore, I reminded her of the time I bit him on the leg as a three year old when I first met him because even then I knew he was an asshole. So we packed our shit and moved back to Miramar Fl with my Aunt after some out of the country traveling to Italy that my Aunts boss payed for. It was a blessing truly and it was so beautifulbut after everything it was hard not to be depressed and concentrate on enjoying a once in a lifetime trip like that. Also it was hot as balls there. Dont worry folks. There's more to this story I just feel the need to separate the Chapters in multiple posts. To be continued...

[exulis]

5/14/17

well, 3 yrs ago was without a doubt the lowest point i ever been in my life, it was the whole hospital mess and still to this day the most traumatic thing ive experienced. all i remember is having to go to the doctor every week for multiple things and it was pure misery, and the only thing i had in the world were my friends on maplestory lmao. no-lifed that shit like 12 hrs a day for 3 months. i still remember it was may 6th and the weeks following were so beyond awful i have no words for the absolute misery, i didnt eat for a whole week and passed out from it multiple times idk. 

3 years before that i was in equal misery but for different reasons, my house was a toxic fucking mess and there was nothing more in the universe i wanted than to leave. even if it meant giving up free state tuition and the easy academic/career path i wish i had now. but i gave it up for freedom and distance and a chance to start over. and for me that meant jumping headfirst into a boiling pot, the world of boys that said they loved me but none of them did and it was the world of mistaking lust for love and its that fire im still dying in today. 

idk im trying to console myself i have been through hell before i have been through much worse. ive lost people who i talked about getting married with, ive lost people who were by my side 24/7 since day 1, i have lost people i considered my own family or my own personal angels. ive watched my own future turn into dust, ive held my precious dreams as they died. and nothing since has compared to that.

idk why its so bad, knowing all that. it should be easy right, that this is just a rainstorm compared to the back to back tsunamis i have faced before. why is it so hard. maybe its because i have changed. after october i stopped believing in anything. zero hope. zero care for the future or what happens to me. ive been fucking drinking poison since then bc i dont fkn care anymore idc if i die idc what sufferering i bring on bc itll end up the same afterwards. 

i used to pray a lot. and many were answered, like finding a job, getting into grad school, my first angel, escaping my house. all those were answered and worked out but idk ive been praying since october and there is nothing. things take time they say but idc ive been suffering for 10 yrs now it needs to stop im so tired. i love God and want to believe in his promises but with all this nonstop suffering its getting hard. he has never failed me in anything except this, i feel. giving me angels and taking them away, and leaving me to suffer alone all this time.  

or why did he make me like this? so horribly romantic yet unable to give up. as much as i want to its like i fight countless fucking battles and all i want is to go home but hes forcing me to crawl on bloody limbs to the next one and keep fighting. im tired. i feel sick. i have no more energy i dont know what joy feels like my heart is resounding and empty and im tired. but not cruel. that trash from last year made me soft again and left haha im not vengeful anymore or cold idk. 

if god sent me another angel id fucking die for them. no more bs or childishness, there would be one forever. and having gone through this endless hell they would be so appreciated and loved forever and ever holy shit lol i just want to give my life to someone and have it in return. how do ppl even get married in this messy trash world, how did they ever meet someone who treasures them like that TELL ME WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. im screaming to the moon ive been a wolf girl for 10 years so ravenous and lonely and hungry for something real. in the past ive been too fierce and angry and tore hearts out without a care in the world. but he made me soft again like i was in the beginning and i wana belong to someone, and to protect them until the death.

but u know, everyone just wants to fuck they wana use me bc im pretty they wana use my body and zero regard for me. theyre holding a wishing star and they dont even know it. they dont even know it.