#like definitely BPD but there is something else too i feel like this cant just be one disorder

[hecksupremechips]

Rebecca gales has bpd she told me herself

[nilboxes]

Random anon here, just read about your crazy batshit aven (love him btw!!) And couldn’t help but think about... 😭😭 This is just my personal take of course, sorry if it wasn't what was supposed to be taken from it, english is not my 1st language so bear with me a little. Also I am. a savior complex bpd ratio truther ill explain sometime else (differences and similarities between autism and bpd)

In the end, Aventurine is still no different from those who idolise him, put him on a pedestal, love him for being *the* Dr. Veritas Ratio. It’s something he takes pridefully, yes— It’s somebody he helped, someone he saved one way or another. Still, he cant help but feel just a bit lonely. He has no idea where they stand— Is he just an obsession to aventurine? Are they friends? This might've been the first time he's ever felt so close to somebody, and he's just...unsure.

Sorry if it isn't your sort of take, also sorry if my Ratio is ooc. I projected onto him a little too much and can't let go. Just found it interesting the way you talk about Aventurine’s obsession to Ratio and not, well, how the man himself would've felt about it, if he even knew in the first place

It's alright if your takes are different! I think fandom's all about sharing these sorts of things anyway and it's like, nice to be able to have the differences in opinion (I know that's rich coming from me who frequently dislikes certain facets of the other lane but lol I try to be open minded really)

I do however don't think Ratio has that big of a savior complex. It's there, but it's definitely part of the ubermench thing in my essay which kinda toes the line at him having it but it's not as bad? Sunday is the one who has it more

And regarding Aventurine's brand of worshiping of Ratio, I am actually touching upon it in a fic, but I always thought that Ratio would think it's different simply because Aventurine always insists somehow to be more touchy feely with him, to experience him in a sense, rather than just see him as someone put on a pedestal to be admired and to watch as he dispenses his little "magic tricks" or "miracles" through his knowledge.

There's a marked difference, although it is the same. Aventurine's love and yearning for Veritas is something that both fascinating in a sense that no one has ever really done the things Aventurine has to Ratio, and a little daunting (like one would feel before embarking on an adventure) idk if I can successfully capture this in the WIP but this is the intent there

And really, it's hard to get both of these characters, even I admit I only explore facets of them because it's hard to really get both Aven and Ratio 100% but again, some takes are more believable than others ;)

[stabgore]

vampies scream (‘96) headcanons !! ⟡₊˚

just a lil dump for me to keep track ! this is mostly gonna be billy + stu since they’re giving me brain rot lately :3 alsoo, feel free to reblog, reply or whatever ! :D i’d love to hear ur hc’s too :3

BILLY ⟡₊˚

he/him + some neoprns (im unsure which ones at the moment but i just know he uses them.)

bpd haver ! mostly a projection hc but he definitely experiences all subtypes to some sort of degree. (fp is stu..)

total mama’s boy. huuuge daddy issues. (projecting)

i fear this man is 100% autistic. his special interest is horror movies for sure, the way he quotes them so easily? autism.

loves loves loves deftones and radiohead !!!

TRANSMASC . nobody can disagree w me on this one and if U do you will be taken around back and shot <3 /nsrs /j

he can drive, he has his license, but he just prefers not too. wether this is to do with road rage or something else he Hates driving.

adding onto the last one; when his dad is being an asshole he often turns up at stu’s house with this Look and he immediately knows whats up and doesn’t ask any questions while grabbing his car keys. they drive for a while, often stopping in an empty field a bit away from town and just sit in silence as they look at the stars.

anger issues !!!! when something sets him off he is impossible to calm down, you just have to ride it out. as soon as he is back in a clear state of mind he is ashamed of his behaviour and apologises constantly; especially to stu.

has a half sibling that he didn’t know anything about until his mother left.

cat person . i will not take any disagreements

BILLY WEARS GLASSES BUT HE MOSTLY USES CONTACTS (BOOOO)

— ★ —

STU ⟡₊˚

has this whole surfer cool guy vibe going on but this man does not know how to surf. he took lessons as a kid but he is So imbalanced he just falls off the board almost immediately.

he has ADHD !!!!!!!

i feel like stu has quiet BPD — often bottling his emotions up until he finally bursts.

this man has such big brother vibes, i know he has an older sister in canon but he just reminds me of the middle child yknow?

HUUUUUGE dog lover . if he sees one across the street that man is running across the road just to pet it. i wouldn’t be surprised if he keeps treats on him 24/7

stu gives me Big kenergy . i cannot explain it TvT when he gets arrested (which is surprisingly a lot cus lets be real he’s a dumbass) he for sure smiles and poses for the mugshot.

— ★ —

STUILLY ⟡₊˚

(this one is silly but its kinda cute soooo…) i think if they did get away with the final murder and survived they’d definitely move away together, get new names and identities and live happily in a cute apartment or something with dogs and cats :3 they know theres something between them but they honestly cant be bothered to do anything about it lol

[yamiiwaii]

Do you have headcanons about macaque's recovering process from bpd and his copying skills (like about holding back extreme emotions or apathy, how does he regularly motivates himself to keep healing and so on)?

thats honestly a really good question...strap in, its a long one

macaque is definitely prone to bad spirals and bad episodes, as evident in the show, and he tends to internalize a lot of it and lash out in aggression. because of that i feel like starting the healing process was really hard for him. with lbd off his back and a lot more free time, im sure he thought alot about the things he did in the last few centuries. he probably stayed holed up in his dojo for a good while after the lbd stuff and just...thought. all that thinking led to spirals and breakdowns and he spent that time crying more than hes ever cried in his life. but afterwards i think he felt fine, stagnant even, and thats when he finally decided he could move on.

its hard giving up your fp and if hes anything like me im sure he didnt want to let go. he didnt want to break off those ties he had with wukong because those were familiar, safe. he fell back onto bad habits a lot, (i headcanon that he has s/h stims and he pulls on his fur when hes really stressed which adds to his bald spots), and found himself in spots where he felt the urge to go and fight wukong again, like before. during times like these his shadows are actually really helpful ! they help ground him and im sure rumble and savage help talk him through his breakdowns when theyre alone together. they help drive him to keep going, i think, because they know as well as he does that he needs this.

i think mk is another big motivator for macaque too, if not the biggest. he cares about mk so much, way more than he was ever expecting to, and i think he does hold some guilt and remorse about the way he treated mk. he wants to repair their relationship and actually become friends in the genuine way that mks friends with everyone else. and mac knows he cant get that if hes still holding onto the past, ya know. he wants to be someone mk could go to when wukong isn't available (he makes that...very very clear its honestly a little endearing) so i think he always thinks about mk while hes going through the process of healing.

and honestly, repairing his friendship with wukong could be something of a motivator too. he wants them to have something thats normal, im assuming, and maybe thats why he hangs around ffm still. but its also a little bit of a bittersweet memory of sorts, to see everything still as it was. to see bits of him still there.

with the holding back extreme emotions, macaque is the type to bottle everything up util he explodes. which isnt...healthy AJVKSKCJ i think overtime and mk exposure showed him its okay to feel those things...its okay to cry and to be upset and to just. be a person...obviously he only ever lets himself feel those things in the privacy of his dojo but hey, at least its something !

he does have set backs, as everyone does because healing isnt linear, and he still has days where its almost like hes back to being that hard-headed smartass trying to kill everyone...but i think now its a bit easier to deal with those days because he has a support system. he has people to rely on that wont shun him away, even if things are rocky between them all. but hes trying and he'll keep trying because as much as he lets it on, i dont think he actually enjoys being alone as much.

[1863-project]

so for your poll abt abelism in fandom communities - i voted yes + reblogged but i will say i dont 1000% know im doing this right.

but for my experiences its been a lot of stigmatising of cluster b personality disorders. i have BPD which is already incredibly misunderstood/stigmatised but especially in fandom spaces where its "i headcanon x character w bpd" and immediately met with "no u cant bc ppl w bpd r evil and functionally not even ppl!!! all they do is hurt ppl they care about fuck them fuck ppl w bpd!!!" which

is incredibly harmful, as you'd imagine.

as well, i have autism and suspected schizophrenia and OCD (autism diagnosed, i am working on getting evaluated for schizophrenia and/or OCD) and fandom spaces can be incredibly rude to people with autism. whether it is schizophrenia related or not, i deal with extreme bouts of paranoia. fandom spaces also have a tendency to play into this - ie "joking" threats to be in my walls to hunt me down to kill me because i have a different fandom opinion.

its. alot. and i avoid most fandom spaces because of it.

Anon, I'm so sorry this has been your experience, because it absolutely should not be. This is the entire point of doing the poll and using the data to work on an essay - this behavior needs to be addressed and acknowledged as harmful.

I'm autistic with OCD myself, and this website is definitely bad to people with OCD. The misunderstanding of intrusive thoughts and how so many people become purity police and assume those intrusive thoughts actually mean you want to do something instead of understanding that they cause OCD folks extreme distress and anxiety is really, really harmful. And don't get me started on autism - I've been out in the real world doing self-advocacy for over a decade now, and the way a lot of people in fandom spaces treat autism is abysmal - there's even a lot of internalized ableism on that front, i.e. "I can't be ableist because I'm also disabled!" We all have internalized ableism to work through because of the world we live in.

Cluster B personality disorders and psychotic disorders get it the worst, though, with people treating those with them as "inhuman" and "evil" more often than not. No one is inherently more "evil" than anyone else. A personality disorder doesn't necessarily indicate that a person is bad. A psychotic disorder doesn't, either. BPD in particular actually makes a person very vulnerable to being abused due to the nature of how it works, but people love ignoring that part.

RE: people using your paranoia to send hateful anons, be really careful about what you share about yourself online. If you give too much information about what specifically can be used to hurt you, some people will absolutely do it. I know I may sound like an overly cautious adult to many of you (I'm 34), but when I was a teenager, we didn't put any personal information online in order to keep ourselves safe. If you aren't talking to people you really trust, don't necessarily share that information, because people are often cruel when they feel they can be so without any repercussions. Don't put all your triggers in your Carrd, don't make massive DNIs with all of the things that can hurt you in them - just use the block button and protect yourselves. Not everyone is acting in bad faith, and indeed, most humans aren't, but there are always some who will, and if they know how to hurt you or get back at you, they won't hesitate to hit where it hurts.

I'm sorry you have to remove yourself from fandom spaces just to feel safe, anon. It really isn't fair and you should be allowed to have a safe experience too.

[starry622]

hello, im oliver, or v for short. i am 20 years old, bodily. im an artist, a dog, and the host of a system.

ive got bpd, hpd, dpd, and schizophrenia, all of which, of course, affect the system. my biggest psychotic symptom is that of clinical lycanthropy and cynanthropy, which you will see reflected often on this blog (especially under the tag #clinical zoanthropy). i cant effectively be reality checked, at least in this regard, so dont even try it. more info on this under the cut. :]

im very into social justice, mogai/liom, art, and general fandom stuff

i now have a somewhat stable home, but i still take donations, as i lost my job last month and currently have no way to make any money besides commissions and donations. i work hard every day applying to every job i can possibly find, following up on applications, and getting interviews, but that does not fund the cost of living in the meantime. im working to put up a commissions carrd (that will also function as a mini portfolio), though i will still be taking commissions before the carrd is finalized. i havent had a meal in a week, so i could really use the money, if anyone is willing to help.

if you need a dni, my basic boundaries are that proshippers, pro-contact harmful paraphiles, and radqueers dont interact. i do, however, have a byf, which is on my carrd (linked below)

my personal carrd is here: [link]

my commission carrd is: still unfinished

my cashapp is: $Starry622

do be warned, my tumblr webtheme (starry622.tumblr.com) is not safe for those who are sensitive to flashing or eyestrain. there is no necessary info on my webtheme, so you will not ever have to visit it for any reason.

for more zoanthropy info: my body can morph and change to become more canine-like, and it can go through certain stages. human-> boy with canine features -> full canine (with the regular animal anatomy) or werecanine (more like a hollywood werewolf) and my transformations can cause pain and discomfort, though i mostly just feel fur sprouting and my organs shifting. my mind is that of a humans, however my soul and dna are that of a canines.

i dont really know what a p-shifter is, but i guess you could call me one? i dont think shifting is something you can learn anyways and i cant control it, so i feel like most people either can or cant shift. theres always exceptions to the rule, however, not that i would be teaching anyone how, especially because that seems like a dangerous move for all involved parties. plus, i dont even know how i do it, i just do, so id be useless for that.

i dont know what the deal is and why i am both a wolf and a dog, and my identity as a whole is definitely more dog, all i know is that its me. thats why i use canine instead of specific dog or wolf when speaking generally, because "dog or wolf" is a mouthful.

i dont identify with the word human, but its easier to explain that way. i am more a person. my brain is and stays that of a sentient, sapient person living in a human society. im culturally human, you could say.

rarely, ill have short-ish bouts where i am a different animal, usually on top of being a canine, which confuses me, but i choose to go with the flow about it. if i think too too much about it, im afraid ill confuse myself more than just suddenly becoming a lagothrope/kounanthrope (family including rabbits, bunnies, hares) and accepting it until its over. i dont know what those little bouts are about, and i kinda dont wanna know!

i identify with my diagnosed clinical label simply because i experience a lot of double bookkeeping (i believe thats what its called). im aware of myself in some ways, and see how others see me alongside how i see myself. this is also exactly why reality checking doesnt work on me. i am aware of my symptoms, and i believe the delusions and semi-rare hallucinations that act as proof of my true self. my experience is constant clashing in that way, like i can see more than everyone else, but it rarely causes a problem, and so i go with it. no use fighting it. im a lazy dog, if youll forgive the pun.

[prince-tulip]

Ive had to quit smoking, ive had to stay off social media and delete most of it besides this and Facebook and god do i want to get rid of this shit, i hate everything i see nowadays, it all makes me feel disgusting and ashamed, i hate the direction of the world. Ive had to stop drinking completely cause i was doing the worst shit, ive literally had to go celibate because sex and that kind of connection is so difficult for me and it has to mean something and i did have that but now im left with this trauma from it, it took so long to be comfortable and honest with my last partner in that way and now that i dont have that, its left me feeling like what we experienced wasn't real and either me or them finding that with someone else just makes so goddamn resentful. Idk if will ever properly feel the way i wanna in that aspect, not to mention just in general ive become so disgusted, used and abused with sex and porn, ive had to not watch porn or see anything resembling that because it just makes me worse, like crying immediately after masturbating just is not it bro lmao or crying while trying to move on with someone physically definitely aint fucking it, i tried and man did i fucking hate it, i felt my skin burning, sex and porn has had too much of a influence on my life, starting from a very young age and i want to break free. I dont give a fuck about kinks, i want SOMETHING MORE OUT OF LIFE. Ive had to cut out friends and say no to things that i would love to do but know i cant cause im not in the slightest ready for or not in the slightest are certain environments good for me, ive had to go to therapy once a week to keep from having more n more bpd episodes, ive had to sell my Xbox because im fuckkng tired of sitting on myass and playing video game after video game, like wtf am i doing. I use spotify, YouTube and Facebook and thats it now i want to get off of this site too bur god ive had it for so long...i just want to get out of this fucking mindeset, tiktok, instsgram, Facebook, twitch, discord, tumbkr, only fans, just the stupid fucking internet in general, shit... phones in general, im so fucking just lost when im involved in it all and all the people i see make me more lost with how they are, i dont understand and i dont want to be here to see anymore of it, Im desperately trying to stay alive and makes sense of everything and i just dont see it happening. Everything feels so fucked. This world, this life. The people. Myself. Im disgusted and i just want to be done. True connection doesn't exist, people are not people anymoreee. We are failing. All of us. Every second.

[strwbrymlkshake]

you lied to me, and ruined everything, and ruined how I approach almost any romantic feeling at all. and all you can describe it as is having fucking beef with me. and you don't even recognize your own actions. you don't even fucking remember them. you aren't phased by it at all. I agonized, had meltdowns over it. losing me, ruining me was just a regular fucking day for you.

[sleepy-shutin]

hi! i think im going thru a self doubt stage rn. im in my 20s and after a traumatic event happened last year around may/june i started to hear voices and dissociate a lot. i already had issues recognizing myself in mirrors and i have no memory of my childhood. i had an instance of two significant voices speaking to me in hs when i also had a mental breakdown but then silence. i dont remember my hs years either except for that part. around may/june a lot of my friends started figuring out they were systems and since i shared so many symptoms like them i figured i am a system. i had a lot of activity a lot of people i interacted in my head until now. its been so quiet and now im doubting. i fear i may have hyperfixated on did/osdd to cope with the traumatic experience in may/june. my bpd is making things worse bc i bonded with the systems and now my doubt and my bpd are making me believe ill lose them all bc now i cant hear anything. im trying to see if there are any mental illnesses that could explain this. bc i have memories of stuff "i" did but i have no connection to. ik you are a rational person and can call out bs and i just want someone elses perspective on this that doesnt know me personally -p

i'll start by saying i'm not a professional and can't diagnose or un-diagnose someone with DID, so i'll give my advice for your situation and what helps me during periods like this, but i can't tell you if you have DID or not.

it's normal for quiet periods to happen even in DID. i've certainly had them, times where i was stable to the point that i haven't switched very often if at all, for days, weeks. one of those periods actually just ended for me as of a couple of days ago, where i started switching more again.

however, one of the best pieces of advice i can give to someone in a situation like yours is to take a step back from system spaces for a while. don't think about the possibility of having a system too much. keep a journal and try to journal as much as possible, but don't focus on who might be fronting or if you're experiencing passive influence, just exist. this is something that ends up showing me that i definitely still have DID in the end, and may help you figure out if you do or don't. take this time to not focus on DID and whether or not you have it, but just to focus on living your life instead, while keeping this journal to talk about your day. if you struggle with dissociative symptoms that make you feel numb or disconnected, or struggle with describing your emotions, you can always journal through the day instead of just once a day, and instead say something like "i went to the mall and i felt good". one thing we also like to do in our private discord server is use reaction images, custom emojis, memes, cursed images, whatever, as well as drawings, to show how we feel if we have trouble describing it in words.

having memories of stuff "you" did with no connection to it is a very normal thing for dissociation as a whole, not just DID. there's a whole category of dissociative disorders that could very well explain your symptoms if it's not DID. there's also the fact that BPD itself contains many similar dissociative symptoms to DID already.

i don't know what (you think) caused these voices to suddenly stop and quiet down, or what you've started/stopped doing that may be causing it, so i'll run through a few options.

if you're having a period that's not very stressful, it's normal to switch less or to have less activity from your system.

if you've experienced a huge stressful period and are calming down from that, this may also cause your system to be less active as one part may need to be in front while the others stay back and dissociative barriers increase.

if you're "frontstuck" it's normal to experience less of your system, or so i've heard.

if you've stopped interacting with system spaces as much and your system went quiet as a result, this may point to your system being socio/psychogenic in some form; i.e. you thought you had DID but it ended up not being that, but as a result of hanging out with a lot of systems/in a lot of system spaces as well as due to misinformation and misunderstanding of DID, you could have mistook normal symptoms of another dissociative disorder or BPD for DID instead.

it's also quite possible you're experiencing symptoms of DID and not noticing them because your perceptions of how DID works causes you to believe it's consistently more overt and hard-cut than it actually is. this is something i've done before as well, so if that's your case, it's likely the result of misinformation and misunderstanding of DID.

in short, it could be a lot of things; stress induced psychotic symptoms causing the hearing of voices that aren't there, a dissociative disorder, BPD, etc. i can't tell you what disorder you may have, but i hope these things can point you in the right direction here.

[mysmedrabbles]

Broken - [Yoongi x BPD!Reader]

requested: by @edgythiccboi (request is pictured above)

a/n: long overdue and with about the most rough drafts ive ever written for something, its finally here! i hope you enjoy and it takes your mind off of some of the hurt from your past and present. know that the whole of the bpd/ptsd community knows what you're going through and supports you (even though we're all just a bunch of bamboozled and 3dgy kids)

warnings: quite realistic description of a bpd episode, tiny self harm mention, some splitting, self deprecation (it ends in fluff i promise)

-ghost mod alex

-hollowed lungs took struggling breaths in the condensed room, steam and water droplets covering every surface like a disease, a disease from which you could not get away from. you sat on the edge of the bathtub, wheezing into seemingly nothing, chest heaving as you strained against invisible bonds, tying you to the tub, restraining you in your own mind, a prisoner of war against your past.

-a familiar pounding in your head clouded your thoughts, and you could feel yourself spiraling through various personas, each personality you'd tailored for everyone in your life; it hurt too much, it felt like you were being pulled in a hundred different directions.

-who were you today? the bubbly friendly girl in the back of the class? the dark, almost suspiciously angry person, hiding in the shadows? maybe just a quick witted friend, always there with a funny rebuttal, making everyone laugh but yourself. what was the point of "being yourself," and "living life," when you didn't even know who that person was? that person you could have grown into died that day, the day,,, the day it happened. 

-you'd been lucky enough to have survived, to live to today, but what was the point of it all really? 

-you stared at your shaking hands, and for a second you see blood, draining you of your life as all you can do is sit there and watch; but you blink and its gone, only a thin white line serving as a memory. 

-you'd promised him you'd never hurt yourself again, and a part of you knew that you should call to him, for he was only in the other room, no doubt writing another extraordinary song. he was always so smart, so sure of himself and an absolute genius. it wasn't an exaggeration when people complimented him on his music, it came naturally to him, he had a passion and he pursued it. 

-unlike you.

-who were you but a stain on his life? he'd be better off without you anyway. 

-a wave of rage came over you, and all you could see was red, red red red. How dare he not notice how in pain you were, not be here to comfort you and take care? Did he not care? was it all just a joke to him? did he even...did he even love you?

-you felt yourself spiraling further, physically bending over to the point of pain, the muscles in your lower back stretched from the lack of support. tears had started to pool in your open hands, and staring at them blankly you were only vaguely aware of choked sobs reaching out the doorway, small whimpers mixed in with cries as you tried to feel anything beside the pain.

-a small knock distracts you, cautious and questioning, and you know immediately that its yoongi. yoongi your sweet angel, the one who always made you laugh when you were feeling down, played card games with you when you needed a distraction, sung to you when you couldn't sleep, kissed your tears away no matter how many times they fell. you didn't say anything, rather let him open the door himself to see you sitting there hunched over, looking up at him with puffy eyes. 

-he assessed the damage first, scanning the bathroom for anything sharp, any blood or a wad of suspiciously thick toilet paper shoved forcibly into the trash can. upon seeing nothing of the sort his eyes soften, seeing you in your fragile state. he never thought anything less of you, in fact he always thought you were so brave to be alive, to still be fighting after all you'd been through. you were a pair of survivors, people who bonded not only over trivial things like favourite band and your shared humor, but the experiences the two of you had gone through added an extra layer of understanding to the relationship.

-he sits next to you quietly, letting you take a breath before speaking, his voice softer than usual, and yet still with edges of his usual roughness, but he's kind. He looks at you, and you can tell it's taking him all of his energy to not to reach to your face, wiping away your tears and holding you in a tight embrace. he knew the drill, and his main priority was your comfort. 

- "can I hug you?" 

-it's a small thing, but it's enough to bring you back to tears as you nod shyly, too afraid to speak. you close your eyes and you can feel his arms wrap around you, holding you securely close to his chest, steady rhythm of his heart beating against your own chest like a metronome. steady, present, there. he's whispering tiny comforts to you, affirmations of his love and your worth, that everything was going to be okay. you lean into his touch, closing your eyes hesitantly as your head falls on his shoulder, hiding in the crook of his neck. 

-he smells fresh, faint smell of laundry detergent intermingled with his pine shampoo, and something else; he smells like home, the smooth cotton of his plain black shirt on his thin frame under your fingers just adding to the notion of comfort, and your own sobs cant help but die down, calming under his soothing presence. you start registering his voice, his hand tracing soothing circles on your upper back.

- "it's okay," you hear him say, "you're going to be okay. it's over now baby, nothing can hurt you.. i love you so much... i wont let anything bad happen to you.. it's okay... you're going to be okay..."

-his voice drills a hole in your chest, striking a cord and unable to get it out as you struggle to catch your breath. He pulls away, making sure you see where his hands are clearly before cupping your cheeks, stroking away any stray tears. he examines your face soundlessly, giving you a chance to speak if you so choose. you study him right back; he looks tired, like he hadn't slept in a while, soft hair a very definitely natural shade of silver. He saw you revisiting the dark circles under his eyes with your own, and as if reading your thoughts he replies, "work has been a bit long, nothing else princess."

-you open your mouth to make a counterclaim, but he cuts you off gently, "I promise," he says, and yet you struggle to believe him.

-a small pause settles over the two of you, and you could see his sincerity in his words, mirrored by the gaze that falls upon you. sweet kind yoongi with his easily irritable self and cutting humor, his stoic side and his adorable smile which you swear could light rooms.

-did you really deserve him? how could someone as amazing as him be in love with someone like you? Even as you began to speak, you could already feel the guilt washing over you, shame at the notion of manipulation as you asked, 

-“Why do you love me?”

-yoongi smiles, just the tiniest bit as he pulls you closer to him, kissing your forehead, taking your hand in his before responding, “why do i love you? ah well thats a complicated question with too many answers,” he looks at you, hoping to notice a change in your expression, but seeing no results he presses on, “I love you because you’re you, because you get up every morning and face the world even though its told you repeatedly to stand down,” he brushes a stray hair behind your ear as he goes on, carefully as to not set you off in some way, “I love you because even though you’re characterized by a mental illness thats seen as horrible and dark you constantly show up with your brightest smile and kindness in hand, and theres never been a day where being by your side hasn’t been a gift. I love you because of the way you’re attentive, how kind you are to complete strangers, your smile when you think no ones looking. the way you doodle in the corners of my lyrics sheet and fall asleep next to me at the studio when im up late working.”

-he shifts, fully facing you, tilting your chin up so you’re looking him directly in the eyes, piercing into your soul, trying to bring back any piece of hope you have to the surface, “I love you because theres that insatiable force pulling us together,” he playfully tugs on your arm, earning a teary chuckle from you as you look away, feeling the tears start up again. damn him and his talent with words.

-he’s just saying that because you asked him that

-your brain, a genius

-guilt courses through you at his words, a stab to the heart marred by the sweet tone of lies. this was manipulation. great. you’d manipulated your way to validation was an excellent girlfriend you were, truly inspiring. You feel the headache start up again, but yoongi catches you, placing his hands firmly where your shoulders connect to your neck, seriousness overcoming him as he cuts off your thoughts, sword at the ready, “I’m a logical person y/n, you know this, you say this to me all the time, and I wouldn’t have said any of this if it weren't true.”

-he searches your expression for anything, a twitch or a change, and is surprised to have you curl up in his arms, burying your face in his chest as you breathe for seemingly the first time since the conversation started, letting a full sigh as you try to clear your head, willing to pay anything to just believe his words. yoongi pulls away, hand running softly through your hair as he admires you. he slowly leans in for a small kiss, not passionate, leading to nothing, but just a kiss to let you know he’s there, and he’s not going anywhere and for now, just knowing he’s here is enough

-after what seems like forever of him holding you, the rim of the tub digging into your thighs, he presses a gentle kiss on your temple, intertwining your fingers with his before he stands up, extending his free arm to help you up. “come on princess, lets go to sleep,” is all he says.

[ninatastic]

@kay-licious how dare u (thanks <3) @silent-calling youre doing amazing sweetie

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

I wouldnt call it a key factor but it’s important to feel attraction towards your partner

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

sure! If it’s a healthy one definitely :D

3. Are you a virgin?

nah 

4. Are you in a relationship?

yeh!

5. Are you in love?

I’d say so!

6. Are you single this year?

no

7. Can you commit to one person?

yes

8. Describe your crush

it me bf

9. Describe your perfect mate

same as above c: 

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no, only when it comes to animals c;

11. Do you ever want to get married?

thats a dream of mine tbh

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

I guess every healthy person would say no but yes, I’d absolutely do (only the first time tho, after the second time you gotta ask yourself if it’s really worth it)

13. Do you get jealous easily?

in regard to my bf: I used to but it’s a hell of a lot less nowadays. In regard to people in general, sometimes, especially when im not doing well mentally

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

me bf

15. Do you have any piercings?

just have my ears pierced!

16. Do you have any tattoos?

no but maybe soon

17. Do you like kissing in public?

only if its sweet forehead or cheek kisses, or quick kisses on the mouth or hand kisses

20. Do you shower every day?

yes though I gotta admit I really have to force myself. Not because I like being stinky but because everything is kinda difficult sometimes

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

bruh I sure hope my bf does;;

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

nah

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

I’ve been in a relationship for 5 and a half years now, I think so

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

it is possible but who tf knows

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

idk, to be frank: I think my life would be a bit easier if I wasnt in a relationship, or if I hadnt been in a relationship for the past 1-2 years. And I often feel like im more of a burden to my bf than anything else. But thats a different story

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

as in losing touch with me? I guess so

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

a song yes and it was awkward as hell ajhajdfha and people have done drawings for me which is <3<3<3<3<3<<3<3<33

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

Yup

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

very very unfortunately yes, and just like a bunch of you guys I was this close to killing myself. I was in a very bad place which I know is not an excuse for this. I still think about it even if it’s been a time since then but I think I cqan never forgive myself because of that

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

often but im too much of a scared cat dsfskjf  idk though, I would love to be much more petite size wise

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

oh often

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

yeah;; I’m not exactly pretty or popular, so puberty was hard

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

hell yeah

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

:( no

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yeh!!

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Yeah and it’s difficult to be normal then aaaaaahhhhhhh

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

some of my friends have a strong disliking towards my current bf but i dont know if you can call it hate

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

yeah and it ruined me for a while

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

uuuuhh not really I think

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

whenever I write bday cards I always put a poem in it :D

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

hella

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

depends on how thirsty I am

43. How long was your longest relationship?

5 and a half years and counting

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

2-3

45. How many people did you kiss in 2011?

uuhh I was 14, no one 

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

HELLA

47. How old are you?

22 my dudes

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

I#d try to play it cool because internally I’m panicking, someone help me

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

I love about my bf how you can ALWAYS count on him when shit gets down, even if he hasnt talked to a friend for a good while and they’re like “hey I need you”, he’ll be there in a sec Also that he is still able to surprise me

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

jsdfhsjdfks GO AWAY, I’d say while closing the door and shutting the blinds quicker than lightning

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

yeah, but that’s probably because I have bpd and depressions

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

yeah, I tried to help them on all occassions, so much that I ruined my own life partially and made myself sick. But whatever I did or said, they apparently want to suffer, so i gave up trying. 

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

yeah my abuser probably

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

unfortunately yes and fortunately yes

55. Share a relationship story.

uuuuuuhhhhh; I dont really know what to write here. Guess I’ll never forget when my bf held a kitten (which was only a week old) in his hands and he almost cried because he loved the baby so much. Haha, he was afraid of crushing it though because it was much smaller than the palms of his hands

56. State 8 facts about your body

I gained a lot of weight since last year which is why I avoid posting or taking pics, but according to everyone else you dont see it that much (?); my hair is getting its natural curliness back; I fucked up my knee so I’ll have knee surgery next year; I bruise easily; I have a shit ton of scars; I love my super green eyes; I have thicc thighs and if I’m very emotional I get red spots all over my body

57. Things you want to say to an ex

to my first ever bf: fuck u lmao to the second bf I had: I’m so sorry for everything and I hope that you found your place :)

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

uuuhhh be sweet and understanding, be funny, be somewhat smart, dont be a mean asshole and be nice to other people (especially kids) and animals and also be able to be fascinated by small things 

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

yikes

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

my current bf is 8 years older than me

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

how open and nice they are? Idk I always choose my ppl to hang out with according to this

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

even though I’m a switch I have a big preference for being the sub, so if someone can dominate me and yknow do stull like carry me princess style or something im all like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

everything that comes after kissing imo

64. What is your definition of cheating?

I think as soon as you try to pursue someone emotionally that already counts as cheating

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

kissing, grinding, I love when someone talks dirty to me

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

if it aint too much of a tmi i’d love to admit that we have a collar and a leash so (not thinking about pet play uughfjhjsdfkhsd, just yknow someone is able to drag me to them like this or being held in place while being taken from behind is p nice)

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

something something being outside in the nature and also good food 

68. What is your sexual orientation?

69. What turns you off?

super super wet kisses where also my nose somehow gets stuck in someone elses mouth Like dude r u a vacuum cleaner sdfhsdkjhfks

70. What turns you on?

being manhandled

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

idk I dont really have a lot of wet dreams and usually theyre not very kinky but rather sweet and slow 

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

I like dirty talk, so imma leave that open 

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

i love to get flowers, or lil stuff that reminds us of our friendship or something, self made/home made stuff is always !!!!!!!!!!!!

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

probably hands? I love it when girls have super slender hands and when boys have rough and big hands

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

I already answered that c:

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

I have a few stories I’m proud of! But I really love this one: When I was little I grew up in a village in which like 300-400 people lived (maximum) and next to us lived this sweet older couple who always gave us sweets and vegetable for our parents, or they brought us stuff from when they went on vacation. The man is now constantly sick, he suffers from parkinson and you see the early statges of dementia setting in. A while ago he wanted to go and get the German version of fish and chips with his wife but due to him needing a ton of surgeriesw constantly he wasnt able to go out with his wife. When my mom told me this I was like wtf u cant just tell me this, I’m too soft. So I went and got fish and chips from the best market around us for him and flowers for his wife, despite the fact that I havent seen them in YEARS. When I arrived at their front door both of them hugged me and cried a bit

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

not bad if everything is consensual and if there’s a power balance thats equal 

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

I think the leash thing is one of the kinkiest things we’ve ever done tbh

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

yesterday a bit when my bf went out wth friends and had a few beers while I was stuck at home with the thought that I can never have a beer again dkadfjahdf as stupid as that sounds but I always enjoyed these chill evenings with a beer and friends

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

this morning when I cuddled my cats :D

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

my bf and many videogame and anime characters, also my best female friend is hella attractive, also some of my friends are to die for

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

my bf!!

83. Who was your first kiss with?

my first bf sdfjsdfs

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

it didnt really work out, it seemed as he was more interested in saying “hey im in a relationship!” than in me, hah;;

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

yeah, sure

[tinygaysheep-blog]

A lil Keith theory+ character analysis (kinda) ALSO LANCE IS KEITH’S STABILITY EXPLAINED

Ya girl is back with a theory that quite honestly breaks my heart. But it has nesttled itself into my head and oh boy, oh boy does this make me sad. 

BPD, or borderline personality disorder is a mental illness a lot of people don’t really understand. Its also pretty hard to diagnose for some reason and often confused with bipolar depression and autism. 

Lets take a look at the symptoms; 

Having an unstable or dysfunctional self-image or a distorted sense of self (how one feels about one’s self). Keith definitely has a problem with feeling worthless. We all know that Lance has problems with insecurity, but what goes over a lot of people’s heads is that Keith does too. He assumes people dont like him, the only thing he’s actually sort of proud off are his flying skills. He doesn’t want to lead Voltron cause he doesn’t think he’s any good as a leader, and while he’s not as good at it as Shiro, he defnitely has some leader qualities but he doesn’t see them himself. He came a long way in season 3 in a very short time but he didn’t see it.  And his self-sacrifice at through-out of season 4? It could just be the blade of marmora influencing him with their “the mission is more important than the individual” crap, but I don’t think it is. He goes back for other memembers and even tries to fight Kolivan to save the guy when he would maybe be able to throw the guy to safety but never run back himself. And the final eppisode? Keith cares more about anyone and anything than himself. He’s literally willing to die to save anyone else. 

Feelings of isolation, boredom and emptiness. We all know Keith suffers from not really feeling a connection with others. He’s literally been on a ship in space with six other people for God knows how long and they still describe him as the lone wolf, he still trains on his own all the time. And the common misconception is that he wants to be alone. He really, really, really doesn’t. I cannot stress enough how much this boy would love to join in on the fun all the time, to not be so far away from the rest of them, but he just can’t.  He’s too scarred he’ll be rejected or something along those lines so instead he just... Lone wolfs it. 

Difficulty feeling empathy for others.  I decided against highlighting this one because we haven’t really seen a lot of it. Although, there have been a few cases of this, like when Pidge tried to leave. In my personal opinion, I don’t think he can summon the empathy very well unless he’s going through or has been through the same thing.  When he and Allura went out to space because they both though Zarkon was tracking them he showed quite a bit of empathy towards her but that was also because they were in the same boat (no pun intended) he was sort of going through the same thing. So he understood. When Lance came to him with his issues of insecurrity he got it because he’s scarred of being kicked out too. Of not being a valueable member to the team.  But when Pidge wanted to go find her family he couldn’t relate. Cause he’s never really had a family to look for. We don’t know what happened with his dad, whether he died or just up and left like his mum did. But seeming it’s more logical, lets assume his dad did die, he doesn’t know his mother, so... He doesn’t understand Pidge wanting to look for her brother.  You may argue that he had Shiro to look for, but if you watch the first episode of season one its pretty clear he wasn’t looking for Shiro. He’s surprised to see him there and he was tracking Voltron before that. Finding Shiro was merely conicidental.

A history of unstable relationships that can change drastically from intense love and idealization to intense hate.  Again, I didn’t want to highlight this one because, well, we don’t know enough about his backstory to be able to judge if he’s had unstable relationships in the past.  However, you cant tell me he doesn’t have and intense idealization of Shiro that kinda turned into a sort of hate (but not really) when he was left in charge of Voltron. But that’s all I got on that one. He doesn’t really seem to hate people or idealise them (apart from Shiro) Some may argue that he hated Lance in season one, but honestly, I call bullshit on that. Annoyance, yes. Hate, no.  Annoyed neutrality. 

A persistent fear of abandonment and rejection, including extreme emotional reactions to real and even perceived abandonment I feel like I dont have to go into this.... So I wont... AT LEAST NOT THE OVERLY OBVIOUS STUFF.  Okay so, our boy has abandonment issues. We all knew that. But I honestly don’t think y’all are seeing just how far this stuff actually goes.  When he though Lance hated him (EXACTLY HOW CANNON THE HATE IS IS UP FOR DISSCUSSION, FIGHT ME ANNONS) he really didn’t want much to do with him. Even made a few jabs at him so that he could reject Lance first.  With the B.O.M however, we see him literally almost work himself to death during the trails in fear of being rejected to the group. The boy has major issues with self esteem, which is probably why he did so well at the garrison, cause he needs those results to feel okay about himself. He doesn’t think he’s good enough so he works towards being better, yes its pragmatic, but ultimately he’ll end up.... oh I don’t know... sacrificing himself. 

Intense, highly changeable moods that can last for several days or for just a few hours.  Again, I didn’t highlight this one because, well I don’t have too much to back it up other than that he seems very easy to upset. A little comment like that he’s the lone wolf, even though he’s trying to fit in can really get to him. And just... can people stop hurting my baby please? 

Strong feelings of anxiety, worry and depression Honestly, this is another one I don’t feel like I have to explain. It just, Keith is a guy that worries a lot, and he definitely has anxiety when it comes to interacting with others. From the way he talks about his mother to the way he looked at his blade when he was figuring out his Galra identity, and the look on his face when the others were pissed off at him in season 4, I think depression is definitely a concept he touches on. Maybe not fullblown, actual depression, but I think he has... issues with feeling like a depressed person feels sometimes.  But he’s never actually vocalized this, so this may be me projecting. Though he does show some general symptoms fo depression. 

Impulsive, risky, self-destructive and dangerous behaviors, including reckless driving, drug or alcohol abuse and having unsafe sex I just, r e c k l e s s  d r i v i n g  Yes, he’s a skilled pilot but you cannot tell me he doesn’t throw caution to the wind a lot.  Also remember that king he held hostage?  Also remember how he worked himself to death during the B.O.M trials? Also remember the self sacrifice?  Also remember the putting himself in danger to safe his teammates?  Also remember how he ran away with Allura in the middle of the night because he THOUGHT he MIGHT be getting tracked and left the team unable to form Voltron without telling anyone?

Hostility “What? Keith is a total hothead”- Lance, 2016.  No but, Keith has said himself that he can be this way.  Even Shiro has pointed it out to him. This one is kinda also just very self explanitory. 

Unstable career plans, goals and aspirations Well I mean, his plans do kinda seem to be all over the place. He got kicked out of the Garrison... and tracked alien life for a year???  And other than finding Shiro in season 2-3 and joining the blade he never really has a long term plan. His only goal is defeating the Galra, it doesnt go deeper than that. He doesnt necessarily want to go home or settle down. He has no plan. He just kinda floats through life.

With BPD you have these things called modi. Modi are... in simple terms, fragments of your personality. There are five modi, the protector, the strict/punishing parent, the abandoned/abused child, the angry/impulsive child and the healthy grown up. Everybody sort of has these a little bit, but when you have BPD your healthy adult mode is a little... under developed/overwhelmed by the other modi. 

I personally also suffer from BPD and I honestly see a lot of these modi in Keith. The protector is the main one that seems to be present with him. (I also have this one, I call mine richard/dick for short). The protector’s main job is keeping people at arm’s lenght, its hard to get past this guy, esspecially if he’s the main dude running the show. Keith’s protector seems to work a lot with the impulsive child which is why he has such dificulty being a leader. 

I want to give an example here of how Keith’s modi seem to coexist; 

So lets take the scene where he just started leading Voltron and he chased Lotor into the gassplanet. So, he has an objective; get Lotor. His strict parrent modi will lock onto this WITH A FUCKING DEATH GRIP. It doesn’t matter what he has to do, he needs to get his objective. The impulsive child then takes over with the the stirct parent fueling him by telling him he needs to do this, when the team tells him to stop the protector shrugs them off. 

Later, once he failed, and lost everyone, the child and the protector regress, leaving the abandoned child and the strict parrent to yell at it and make the child feel like shit about itself. This is when Keith is vulnerable. That’s why Lance could approach him, and he knows it. And while acknowledging that Keith fucked up, he appeals to the healthy adult in his system to try and get him to move on. 

THAT is why Lance is so good for him and why he stablizes Keith mentally. He is able to tell him that he made a mistake while still accesing the healthy grown-up. Shiro, on the other hand, doesn’t do that. He is constantly trying to shape Keith to be better and sometimes, yes he gets through to Keith’s healthy adult and stuff (patience yeilds focus), but mostly he appeals to the strict parent telling him to be better. 

It doesn’t surprise me that that’s why he saw Shiro during the Galra trials. He really, really, really wants his approval. He might even see Shiro as the strict modi if he were to personify it. 

I hope you’re as sad about this as I am, because it’s two a.m and this suddenly hit me like 20 minutes ago and I’ve been keeping my emotions in check ever since.

[kimdongallwong]

SOME PEOPLE INSPIRE OTHERS TO THE BRINK OF MURDER. This is a text from one of Mrs. Wong's most scorned. This faggot never saw it coming.

You lie lie lie. So fucking diabolical its frightening. Like..... only someone totally insane would do this l.

◦ You need help kim.!!! Joey threatened me the night before he died? For what? So i suppose you lied by telling me that joey thought all these positive things about me??? More lies. Lies then? Lies now? Thing is kim this is no longer about what bucky we wanted, i dont know nor will i likely ever know the truth. The evidence leans toward him using me....even tho he swore up and down even at the end that he wasnt. He actually kissed me on the lips before leaving that day after saying, "its not kim and I's intention to mindfuck you. The hell it wasnt, you both made sure to inflict the maximum amount of pain on me. You! you kim directed me twice to your house and once to bucky's knowing full well it wasnt a good idea. You may think youre cunning and sly.... welll lets just admit this is truth. So cunning and sly...., but you have abdolutely nothing else going for you. You spend your idle time getting high and pitting the entire world against you, nothing is ever your fault, everyone is out to get you because youre the shit. No one can touch kim. Insane. Again this has fuck all to do with bucky "not wanting me" and more to do with you playing friend for an entire year. He played friend for 2 months. You both knew i would have given him the clothes off my back if it came to it. You both know how morally bankrupt and inhumane your treatment of me was. Thats why you wont talk to me, thsts why you both got nastier and borderline evil in the end. Cant believe i fell for that shit. I know why, because my feelings and intentions were genuine but they lived in the clouds. Yet im the predator? Look up the definition of predator and its you two not me. One of you will try and eat the other very sooon

◦

◦ I listened to you when joey died. I fucking wept for you and your family. Yes you had me duped bc no one has ever ever done anything so vicious and nasty to me.....all with a smile. So yea you got your glory, you hurt Erik. The stuff ive heard since this incident has dropped my jaw to the floor on more than a few occasions. Clearly your behavior has patterns and yes you are a dangerous individual. However, know this; I DONT GIVE TWO FUCKING SHITS. YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO TO ME BUT YOU CAN NEVER BREAK ME. EVER..... HOWEVER, TREAD LIGHTLY I HAVE WAY MORE WEAPONS THAN YOU THINK. WAY MORE. DONT FUCK WITH ME.

✓ you're going to hell kim and sadly thats the ultimate reckoning because this life is finite but your coming sentence is for eternity. Something to look forward to. GET HELP, YOU JUST MIGHT SAVE YOURSELF AND OTHERS. You wont tho, people with BPD dont change usually. Anything is possible but likely youll only get worse. IF ONLY YOU COULD FIND A WAY TO USE YOUR SKILL FOR GOOD WORK. What a waste of a life and too bad for those around you.

Good luck

[danielnelsen]

lmao i love when my sister and i have really good chats about psychological stuff. i asked about her opinions and we’re both pretty much certain that our mum has ocpd (i was pretty sure before but hearing her reaffirm that is good, especially since she’s not the type of person to take that kind of thing lightly, like, uh, some people may do *awkward cough as i remember what site im posting this on*). we started talking about other personality disorders and personality traits and it’s so reassuring to hear that she also relates to a lot of narcissistic traits. while im pretty sure neither of us have enough of them or have them to a significant enough degree to actually have npd, we discussed that for a while and are pretty certain that we have those traits because of how our mum has treated us while growing up. she’s basically enforced these narcissistic traits onto us by trying to ‘other’ us and alienate us from everyone; trying to build us up as better than everyone else. i mean, that sounds good in theory (make your kids feel special!) but not to this extent where we feel like anything that isn’t perfect is a failure and we must always be superior to everyone else.

i think it’s important for people to remember that every disorder is on a spectrum, too; like, if you don’t have a specific disorder it doesn’t mean that you’re completely fine. what im trying to say by that is that you dont need to meet a diagnosis of something to have significant traits of it that cause you problems (eg, the narcissistic traits cause me a lot of problems, but i almost certainly dont have npd). just because you dont meet a specific (or any) diagnosis doesnt mean that you cant benefit from self-awareness and self-improvement (and i guess the main example on this site is bpd where a lot of ppl have significant traits of it that are maladaptive, but probably wouldnt meet full criteria). the important thing to remember here is that just because you dont specifically have a disorder doesnt mean that the treatments for that disorder wont help you (eg, dbt can help ppl with traits of bpd, not just ppl with bpd). i think that’s something especially important to remember when considering that you might have a disorder, bc if you’re sure you have something then you’re more likely to subconsciously accept those traits as part of yourself, which will let them get worse than they otherwise would (ie, if you dont have the disorder then you’re actually more likely to develop it bc you assume you will..idk it’s a complicated explanation that i dont have time for)

anyway that was a random tangent related to our discussion about how depression, anxiety, and ocd have an outrageous degree of heritability in my family. while i would definitely be diagnosed with various types of those three disorders (if my psych would actually diagnose me 😒), my sister wouldnt, yet she still has significant traits of them. but yikes ocd traits are so blatant in my family lmao it’s ridiculous. so much hoarding and strange obsessions and preoccupations. fun fun!!

[ilygsd]

241018: 2

okay here we go, this is from some shitty mental health site ot whatever. i actually liked the site though. i read about aspd, adhd, autism, ptsd, bpd, npd etc. informative i guess

somewhat true i guess. i dont want anything else than to love him. i dont know why i feel the need or want to but i need and want to (lol) love people. with all my fucking heart. i want to die for someone (wow) but they need to take care of me, and above all APPRECIATE my love. this guy cant even FEEL my love, how the fuck is he going to APPRECIATE it? it’s all empty and the only thing he feels like the... the sexual parts or smth ugh idk. 

he is a social predator. he once said i reminded him of a beautiful but innocent deer and now i cant stop thinking about it. idk, it used to scare me before but tbh now i dont even know if i should be offended or fascinated by how..... fucking smart and talented these people are. he said i was pretty desperate when we first met (still am oops) and little did i know i was. i was desperate wooow he could probably smell my desperation and vulnerability miles away that fucking monster haha. this article sounds a bit dramatic though. im pretty sure he would be amused by reading it, idk. amused and annoyed. i feel like this is his standard state lmao. annoyed, bored and slightly amused. 

the best way to receive love is to give love, yes indeed and he knows that. and loving him is amazing. i dont know how or why, i cant describe it and i refuse to actually admit that i love him.... I REFUSE: i dont even trust the guy, he stands for nothing, always playing the devils advocate fucking white boy, always provoking me but.... maybe its just cus he’s older and im just bored with life. well yeah probably that too. i mean.... if i was content with my life, my relationships and health i wouldnt need him lol. especially not considering how he treats me and hurt my feelings. but wow as i’ve said, i love loving him (or whatever the fuck it is) and theres nothing i’d rather do than loving him. he’s a drug

and yeah thats definitely exactly what it was like. i still cant believe i actually thought we were similar LMAOOOOOOOO and he’s like “yeah people think that we’re similar until i tell them otherwise”. we are NOT similar. okay yes, i have some abusive traits, some manipulative i guess. i guess that’s similar. but other than that.... nope

uh, he says im emo all the time when im with him lol. trueeee. im so comfortable with him my emo just jumps out and i get really depressing wow. i wonder why he stuck with me for so long. i must be so boring. i mean it could be for the sex as i’ve said, but i doubt that. i wonder what the heck he thinks he can use me for. im always paranoid he’ll use me but at the same time i struggle with thoughts that im useless so.... bruh idk lmao

true that i stuck it out during the bad times because the good times are fantastic. true. true. idk, its not that fantastic. he’s pretty normal its not like im over showered with compliments and gifts and love but on the other hand i wouldnt want that either. hmm, idk im so curious how he’s acting with other people. if he’s similar or if he changes and adapts himself

im just svared of that “the honeymoon comes to an end”. what does that mean? will it be worse than this??? i mean is he bored now? what happens when he’s bored? will he just leave or do smth stupid? sometimes i think he’s starting drama bc he’s bored tbh that sounds more like me. he actually tried to “end” the fight by that “u owe me 5 blowjobs now” joke but i chose to continue bc he threatened to murder me and i was offended lol

yeah that may have been stupid. it was a choice of mine. he gave me a chance to move on and i chose not to because i thought i could make him apologize. LMAO NOOOOO. this bitch wont apologize for anything in the worldddddddd. makes me so FUCKING frustrated because i AM NOT going to apologize for trying to demand him to apologize. if anything i will just ignore that this ever happened. and i WOULD have, if it wasnt for the STI fact lol. it’s so awkward honestly i have nothing to say if i were to contact him. i dont know, maybe he got HIV now because of me LOL and why the fuck would i expose myself like that like why would he be with me if he publicly stated he wants to murder me if i transmitted it to him. i dont even know (yes i know, i obviously dont fucking have HIV) and i won’t know until he get tested. and he probably wont tell me so actually i should just block him before he gets tested considering he wants to kill me. ok he said he wouldnt etc etc. and i know he wouldnt but he would probably destroy my life in another way. 

uh idk, i guess i have to get myself tested again and this time HIV AND AIDS INCLUDED. only then i have a reason to text him and its to say that im clean. what a pathetic reason, i will see right through it. he KNOWS i want him. thats why there’s no reason for me to contact him at all because he already knows i’ll always want to be with him sigh

ok so as i’ve said i’ve thought about this a lot. like what the fuck does he want from me? actually he’s ignoring me right now so idk if he still wants anything sigh. but i guess thats why he wanted to meet so fast irl. i get it now though. at first i was like “NO WE NEED TO TALK FOR AT LEAST 6 MONTHS” but now im like ugh lets just get it over with. i really thought he was a typical charmer, a slut, but hes been very firm that he doesnt let anyone touch him and that he’s not always up for a second “date”. i guess its smth with their boredom? 

ok i guess it’s...... charm? and also sometimes threatening and coldness. 

and yeah idk. either he’s ignoring me bc he really lost interest. he’s the one who overreacted though for real... i cant fucking believe he got so pissed over something like that and then just straight out REFUSES to apologize for THREATENING TO MURDER ME. uugh its so annoying it makes me so pissed. he said he’s not the one to block people though. guess he will just let me message him like a fucking pathetic idiot and then leave me on read lol. like he did with my cringe snaps

LMAO YEAH I KNOW TELL ME ABOUT IT. rage.... boy can this sweet angel become angry. he’s always so rational and calm yet he lets himself get triggered over such nonsense. maybe he’s just faking it though to scare me or smth honestly i dont really know, i just know he pissed me off. he’d make a great james fallon, james fallon is a neurobiologist who studies. too bad jo wants doesn’t want to be a scientist or researcher in that matter but actually WORK as a psychologist WITH PATIENTS

fuck i cant help but be attracted to his intelligence though :( wow it makes me feel like such a dumbass typical girly girl and i hate itttttttt. i told him i’d like to see him cry haha. idk. im just curious. im happy he haven’t cried though like used it as a manipulative tool or something. im just rambling idk what the fuck im writing lol

[the-peoples-bees]

um final thoughts i guess we can give some final thoughts.

i guess i can go first uh.. it was really enjoyable um. it was the first show i tried out for and one of the few i managed to get anything for. honestly when i first met shaina.. theyre appearances were very rare. everyone else seemed so excited whenever theyd say a word and i. i had no idea who they were.  but i knew they were better than id ever be just from the way everyone seemed to love them. and still do even now. i dont know why they even bother with me.. but its been some times throughout the years. i didnt intend for airen to mean so much to me but in the end she ended up being just as much a part of me as my bpd or the fact i wanna die. i feel bad saying she is me. but thats just how kintypes work sometimes isnt it.... they come at you and you dont even mean for them to happen but once theyre you theyre you. ‘s it... and shes the first thing that really meant so much for me... saying that.. makes me feel bad actually. i just wish that my feelings on people wouldnt be so fucked up. i feel like people mean a lot and then the next second like. they probably hate me right. like i know you dont but i always feel like it.. someone who does so much hard work as you... why wouldnt anyone think that. anyone like me. thanks for the work. its.. weird thinking thats just it.. but. i guess i feel like that when any of those sorts of characters die. and. sorry ive been such a burden. -vriska

aaaaaaaah, shai that was so good- im so proud!!!! you make me wish we could actually coordinate to finally MAKE something- its hard tho hahahah! if miro wasnt so busy putting out stuff in the headspace i would ask her just because i know how she works- we’d definitely be able to get something. ah, but that was so good! im amazed at how hard you can work- its so great!!! im glad we got to be involved!!!! and im glad that you are so great. -nick

Hello. I’m sorry, I just- all of that was amazing. That’s the kinda stuff I wish I could do in “real life”! I do this stuff in headspace no problem, but you can’t show stuff in headspace to outside people! How do you do it? I am stunned- you hear me, absolutely stunned! There was so much motion, and so much GOOD motion. I am in awe. - Miro

THAT. WAS. BAD ASS. that was real cool, yo. it was fucking phenominal. i know ive not seen much but.. best thing i’ve ever seen. period. the way you did all that stuff- that was so cool. honestly i respect you. - sen.

was good, i enjoy watching with everyone. it real fun. i know you not like it but it good show. all characters good. they all try best even if it not work for everyone.. but still it good. good show. i happy bell live okay, she friend, want her to be happy. you do good job, i glad you get to finish. - alexis

Watching this whole show it was good! I am so glad.. that we got to watch it! I was looking forward to it when it was mentioned. You are such a great friend, honestly I can’t get over that. All those nice things you said about me before I showed up, and became The Real Thing. I am so flattered, honestly. Your work is so good as well, I am flattered that such a talent would be invested in, at all- AT ALL, a person like me. I simply loved the show, the change in writing to cut the additional seasons was handled well. All of the visuals were great. I simply adored the subtle developments in style, and design, and voices. It really added so much heart to the series. - Murm

Ain’t got too much t’ say besides that was good y’all. Really could appreciate all the work you went through, just to tell a story you weren’t super invested in. Major props and luck to ya with the next project, bitch. -Emmis (((I wanted him to add that at the end but he wouldn’t because he said he’s never talked to you, but i added it for him, hahahahah! - Murm)

I simply wish to congratulate you on your achievement. It is not something that everyone does, and you pushed through just to be able to do so. I am very proud of what you have accomplished. We have known you for quite a long time and you have been a joy, for the others. - Cathiina

um, y- youve done, uh, rrreally well. im s- sorry if my writing wwwwill be very hard tt- to read.. after mmmassive switching i- iiiits hard ffffor me to, uhhhh, thh- think ssstraight. n- not that i aa-aam able to when i t- try to talk normally, b- but... stuff like this ooonly makes it worse. um... t- today was my first time s- seeing that wwhole thing, uh, i- it was good. uh, th- that p- part with the aaarm m- made me a bbbit uncomfortable, b- but thats g- good, right? i- its nnnothing wrong with whhhat you did, i just c- cant do that again. i- it jjjust reminded me o- of everything.. b- but everything else was go- gggood. you did a, uh, good job. - Rezza

hey yall. my words aint gonna be too good cause stuff in the brain has to change when its being controlled by another person and when we communicate like. a large amount of the time its just hot potato with the brain. so after 4 hours of that its kindaaaaa fried hahaha. but yeah that was so good. i saw the episode like 4 times i really enjoyed it. you did super great and im glad we been friends yall. youre super great at shit yall im amazed. super great to know you and super great to see all that shit. nice job yall. -shima