#me when i definitely have an undiagnosed mental disorder but idk what it is for sure so i just say im insane

[about-faces]

oh man the stuff with his dad is... Something. TW for abuse and being apologetic towards abusers.

Misha!Harv's dad is given a completely made up thing called 'identity dysmorphia' and they try to equate love-bombing that abusers do as "actual" love. Like that his dad was a 'really good person who really loved Harvey' he just was... mentally ill. Idk as someone who's been through abuse and had love-bombing done to me, I dont think any mental illness would be excuse enough for me to forgive them? I remember the psychologist telling him to forgive his dad, i'm not sure if that was said verbatim could be misremembering, but as someone who is working towards being a therapist that is something you do NOT tell a survivor to do.

Ohhhhhh boy then I’m definitely gonna have shit to unpack with this when I see it. Time to overshare a bit!

My Dad was an alcoholic, and while he was never physically abusive beyond threats, he would vacillate between syrupy sweetness and adoration of me one moment and bitter, resentful abuse the next and back again, with no warning or acknowledgement. I’m sure my dad had some undiagnosed disorder on top of the alcoholism, which just twisted and magnified his issues that were already present.

My own therapist can’t really understand how living with this fucked me up, or at least I feel like I can never explain what it was really like. It’s why I kept going back to Eye of the Beholder and Crime & Punishment all these decades, because they capture the experience better than anything I’ve seen outside of Immortal Hulk. And even there, the father was just a monster. Whereas Harvey’s dad in those stories always struck me as more like my own: a man who did, in his own way, have genuine love… but it was twisted by something inside even before it was drowned in booze.

(What’s really fucked up is that I think I actually DO forgive him… but that only happened with a decade of him being dead and the gradual acceptance that my mother was worse and more damaging to me than he was.)

Which is to say, I may well have some huge problems with this take on Harvey’s dad when I see it. But it sounds like there’s at least more to chew on here than in most of the other (very few) takes on the abuse which acknowledge it happened but minimize it to just a violent monster, without the Jekyll/Hyde factor of alcoholism meeting unexamined mental illness.

And while I don’t expect the show to do this, I think it WOULD be valid to have a story with some well-meaning, dangerously-misguided therapist pushing for forgiveness, which is where EotB’s Gilda can come in and say “fuck that, he’s a monster, he’ll never change.”

[allergic-to-thoughts-of-mother]

tw for discussions of disordered eating/mental health issues

i am stuck in this like. vicious cycle of never having enough food to eat, and then when i get the (very few) kinds of food i like i kinda go crazy and eat it all because i am so fucking hungry from not eating as much as i should be. then, i don’t have enough to eat anymore :/ it’s so frustrating, genuinely. it’s a vicious cycle and i really don’t know how to help it. i mean, i’ve always had issues with food, but previously it had been mostly variety of foods and nutrition. now, i just genuinely hate eating. it’s a chore. i have GI issues and horrible acid reflux so the number of foods i can eat without pain is very limited, but to add onto that i have been an extremely picky eater since around age 3 or 4. it is genuinely so hard to eat, even when the food i like is available, but it is nearly impossible when my safe foods aren’t available. because of my fucked up sleep schedule, as well, it is difficult for me to eat at a normal time. so, because i will usually end up eating after midnight, i can’t consume anything that has to be cooked/microwaved out of fear of waking up the others in my house. i am also discouraged from preparing food BECAUSE THERE IS ANTS ALL OVER MY KITCHEN and there is no counter space which is completely ant-free. i’m just so miserable right now. genuinely. but i’m going to try to make a list of foods i like, and maybe a specific quantity to buy too. because i always think “oh this will be enough”, and then there’s like 4-5 days where i will be eating basically the bare minimum because all my safe foods ran out. i think with my next therapist, i am going to genuinely try very hard to advocate for some sort of. any sort of ED treatment. or at least an acknowledgment that my lifelong struggles with food isn’t just me being “picky”. i honestly think it could be the undiagnosed autism, but also my new doctor i started seeing recently brought up that i could have EDS. i’ve been tested for it before, but didn’t have the stretchy skin or some of the joint oddities so i didn’t qualify for it. however, she mentioned that it can cause GI issues, which would make sense because every time i go to the GI they try to tell me my results are normal lol. idk. we’ll see what happens. but this year i definitely want to work on actually purchasing food i like. and i want to get rid of the ants, obviously.

[mental-health-advice]

uh, hi! i guess i’ll just be blunt about it: i definitely have some sort of undiagnosed mental illness. my prime suspect has changed many times over the years, but i know it’s there and i can’t be making it up- my friends all know it, my family knows it, it’s obvious there’s something. hell i’ve got like 4 different predispositions just in my immediate family. but every time i try to see a professional to figure it out and maybe get me a diagnosis (i’m too nervous to self-dx and risk being wrong), they all say i seem “fine.” maybe because i’m self-aware and can describe my symptoms clearly? idk. but it worries me- my mom didn’t get diagnosed for pretty severe GAD until after she had me (30s), and my dad never even sought a diagnosis for his depression. i’m scared that’ll happen to me, that i won’t be able to know what it is for so long, or maybe ever. to be fair, i’ve yet to see a psychiatrist- this is because they are hard to find and my parents don’t wanna try looking for one without confirmation from an easier-to-access professional. i’m just. i’m scared, i guess, that i’ll never figure it out, and that the people who could help me will all just think i’m a hypochondriac for my whole life? it’s especially scary when i see how much my mom’s meds have helped her- what if there’s something like that that could help me but i’ll be deprived of it for years or decades to come? it’s horrifying, and it makes me mad to hear licensed professionals insist that they know me better than i do. they’re obviously well meaning but it’s just… i guess frustrating is the word? i just wanna know what the hell is up so i can learn how to accommodate for it, y’know? i uh, anyways. do you have any advice or suggestions for getting a diagnosis, or even just coping with being undiagnosed? thanks in advance.

Hey there,

Normally the first place/ person to go to, to get a diagnosis would be seeing your local doctor or GP and if they are unable or unwilling to help diagnose you then you are always in your right to ask for a referral to someone else, whether it be a specialist doctor or a counsellor or therapist. Although most counsellors cannot diagnose, they will have a bit of an idea or what is going on for you after getting to know you over a few weeks and if needed, they may have some contacts to refer you on to a psychiatrist if for example medication is recommended for to help treat your diagnosis/ symptoms.

Of course though, a diagnosis isn’t everything, but it can definitely help being able to give what your feeling/ experiencing a name.

Depending on your diagnosis there may be particular therapies that would be best suited to helping you recovery wise. So for example, dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT) is more commonly used to treat borderline personality disorder (BPD), amongst other things. Of course though I am not a professional but I would encourage you to get a second or a third opinion in regards to your symptoms until a professional listens and takes you seriously. It is so good that you are being proactive about your mental health though and especially since you do have family with a history with mental health concerns/ diagnosis’.

I am not sure how you usually ask for help or for a diagnosis but sometimes as well as well as listing your symptoms, it can also be really helpful to give specific examples of how those symptoms greatly affect your life, and tell them that there is also a family history with metal health concerns/ diagnosis’. I suggest this as sometimes if we point out exactly what we feel we may have or suggest what may be going on for us diagnosis wise, then they can feel as though we are trying to do ‘their’ job or are making things up even though patients and clients should always be taken seriously with what they say and concerns they may have.

This is why it’s quite normal to get more than one professional’s opinion and especially if the first one or two people do not listen to us or takes us seriously. I should also point out that some doctors and GP’s may not be well educated when it comes to mental health so they may brush you off as they simply may not know what to do or suggest to you in regards for help and support.

Another option may be to contact a counsellor from either a helpline or on web counselling as sometimes they will be able to direct you to certain services that may be able to help you. Just something to think about! We also have a page on getting help for more ideas on how you can get/ ask for help although I feel as though you are already doing the majority of what is also suggested!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren  

[strwbrymlkshake]

you lied to me, and ruined everything, and ruined how I approach almost any romantic feeling at all. and all you can describe it as is having fucking beef with me. and you don't even recognize your own actions. you don't even fucking remember them. you aren't phased by it at all. I agonized, had meltdowns over it. losing me, ruining me was just a regular fucking day for you.

[stonerbughead]

maria watches friday night lights (#4)

season 2, pt 2!! (2x08-2x15)

ugh Matt is really having his Being A Stupid Teenage Boy season huh?

-lol love a good naked dude being chased scene — in this case, Smash on his recruiting trip being chased around by a potential future teammate. Classic.

(it’s kinda cute that Matt came to pick him up tho)

- the latest in season 2 being off the fucking rails: really? Riggins’ new digs include a meth lab on wheels??

-Landry confessing to murdering someone and then having his sheriff dad drag him out of the station to go home is the whitest shit EVER. Like, Landry is literally *trying* to be punished and they just won’t punish his white, cop-kid ass. ‘Murica. (I mean don’t get me wrong: it WAS self defense against someone literally stalking and trying to rape Tyra, but the point still stands that if Landry was a black kid he’d have been tried as an adult and convicted no doubt)

-YESSSSS a MySpace shoutout! we love to see it

“I hate you” - Santiago (and also me) @ Buddy Garrity

-omg Coach Taylor noticing that things aren’t good at home for Riggins and taking him in, my heart!

-Wow in just one scene Riggins charmed baby Grace, warned Tami’s sister not to shame women for eating a lot (“it can lead to anorexia, especially in girls”) and then offered to go out to the store to get baby formula in the pouring rain. What a man.

-and yes, Shelly, you fully grown woman, it IS a bad idea to lust after a TEENAGE BOY

-wow Riggins protecting Julie from the SUPER DRAMATIC TORNADO that made me laugh. Do we get to have a Riggins-Julie friendship??? bc I’d be down. We need more friendships.

-Thank you, Tami, saying “EW” to her sister watching Riggins work out! Someone has sense to know a fully grown woman shouldn’t be lusting after a teenager! Julie can lust if she wants tho, that’s age appropriate.

-DYING at Landry being aghast that Tyra’s never heard of West Side Story.

-oh god, Lyla — it is totally fair to assume your mom would tell your dad she’s getting remarried, especially if she knew you’d be seeing him — so I’m sorry you’re the one who accidentally set off whatever nonsense Buddy is gonna pull now that he knows his ex wife is “marrying that treehugger.”

“Who’s that?” “Some douchebag named Chip. who names their kid Chip anyway?” Same, Tyra, same.

-Landry, one of my biggest pet peeves is asking someone out while they’re on the clock. Like, come on! let Tyra work, boy.

-Jesus Christ it’s like everywhere Julie looks, she has to see Matt making out with someone. That’s rough.

-and oop Matt you busted bc Julie actually knows who Carlotta is!

-once a cheater, always a cheater, Buddy. And yes to Pam for being like “nah bye I’m happy now, it is over.” You treated her like garbage so here we are, sir!

-hilarious that Landry is the one who ends up throwing the first punch that gets the post-tornado, school-crossover tensions to finally boil over

-I like that they show both the fall formal and the party where everyone who didn’t go to the formal is. Nice.

-Aw poor Julie got drunk af to deal with all her feelings. This really is the season where they have Julie and Matt being sixteen year olds in the most painful ways. So maybe it’s good they’re not together during this tho I’m still looking forward to when the tide turns their way again.

-anyway, Tim is a good friend for getting the creep who thought he was “one beer away from getting laid” off of Julie.

-And....in true Texas dad fashion, Eric Taylor misinterprets everything! Noooo. We can’t have nice things.

-This Noelle-Smash partnership is definitely an interesting pairing. Two very ambitious football people courting all these recruiters while Smash’s mom side eyes them in the corner? Hilarious.

-omg not this Oklahoma tech recruiter harassing smash’s mom in the grocery store! GTFO here! Give her some fucking personal space. They really do such a good job of showing as much of the toxic shit about football culture as the inspiring, big moments.

-Aw and I love that Tami tried to help Mama Smash get the guy to go away. It’s such a familiar scene, women helping each other get a dude harassing them away. And then they have a heart to heart in the parking lot? Love that.

-omg what a throwback that Shelly TAPED OVER Eric’s football game to tape a NEW EPISODE of The Office! Love it. “Y’all should get a TiVo.”

-omg watching Tami and Eric work out arguments is so beautiful, they communicate very well! We stan a good marriage.

-wow seeing the other coach from tornado school lose his shit publicly after he knocked down Riggins was uh....wild???? This is the second time he put his hands on Riggins!

-awww Eric actually coming to apologize to riggins for overreacting about Julie when he hears the real story??? Love it.

-Weevil from Veronica Mars shows up as a friend of Santiago’s? Of course.

-WOW and Logan from Gilmore girls as a Christian radio host...tracks.

“Is that your way of telling her you like her?” Jason making a surprisingly astute observation about Tim. (And Lyla.)

-yo why would you invite your daughter’s boyfriend’s family over for dinner just to say they shouldn’t date? (And bc it’s an interracial relationship.) Southern culture is wild to me lol

-wow the racist coach from last season is now off spouting his mouth about how “no wife of mine would be working with a kid at home.” I love that Eric calls him out as sounding stupid and ignorant — you better!

-hearing that Lyla burned her cheerleading uniform is one of the most badass things she’s done so far tbh along with that dealership destruction

-off the rails update: 2x12 was toooo much!! Like, Jesus between Smash’s sister getting harassed at the movie theater by the racists who hate on smash and Noelle...and this plotline with Santiago and his old friends trashing Buddy’s place...it’s like, can we breathe.

-I could not be more excited for Carlotta to leave and another teenage boy with adult woman relationship to end.

-wow can’t believe the plotline where Riggins stole $3000 from a drug dealer isn’t ending well for him. And now Smash is getting arrested bc of those racist guys from the movie theater episode? One recap I read said that too many of this season’s plots feel contrived and I think that sums it up.

-is there any character who HASN’T worked at Buddy Garrity’s dealership at this point?!

-and yikes at all the other salespeople being mad that a salesperson in a wheelchair was hired...y’all mad ugly and ableist for that

-Tyra and Landry are....confusing

-Wait Logan from GG is an actual preacher and not just a Christian radio host? CREEPY. And he kissed Lyla? A lot to unpack there.

-lol Tim trying to woo Lyla is kinda funny to watch simply bc Tim is clearly so confounded by rejection

-I love how much space they give for Smash’s sister’s pain in the Noelle-Smash theater incident. A lesser show wouldn’t have centered her as much.

-is it mean of me to say Jason is boring AF most of the time

-yeah this dreads girl is seemingly way more compatible with Landry than Tyra yikes! Like she made him a power metal mix cd???

-wow this Smash storyline where mouthing off to the press is what gets him suspended....really checks out bc teenage boys are dumb

-I love Tami as a volleyball coach and getting to see another sport! Also as someone who’s been on a losing team I know that feeling of finally winning a game!!! Go Dillon volleyball!!! (Am I maybe currently writing a Bughead fic based on my underdog field hockey experiences? ;) yes yes I am)

-Oh shit now Saracen’s at the nihilistic Nothing Matters phase of teenage angst. Right on schedule!

-lol these two short haired blondes (white dreads Jean and Tyra) being in a love triangle with Landry is wild

-Omg jean just said, “are you a friend or are you competition?” She is not playing!

-I love Riggins dragging Saracen to practice

“I don’t want you to become at an at-risk youth” -Landry teasing Saracen while also sincerely caring about him is some of the best friendship banter on this show. The accuracy 😂

-It seems like Julie gets a lot of hate? But I think I have such a soft spot for Julie bc I was a bitchy teenager with undiagnosed mental health disorders and I just wish so much #growth for her! Also I really do miss her and Saracen’s relationship, I’m so excited I’m almost at S3 where it seems like it’s happening again?

-LOL this guy at the dmv is the first person in Dillon to be like, “no I hate football.” That tracks.

-wow Saracen is getting driven to the hospital to make sure his grandma is okay by the sex worker who was just giving him a lap dance. Amazing.

-also I hope grandma is okay!

-okay Tyra throwing her hat in the ring for Landry at the last minute? Idk I think Jean deserves the win but there’s no way it’ll happen bc she’s a guest actor?!

-awww Saracen’s abandonment issues coming out whiles he in the tub after being sobered up by Eric Taylor. “There’s nothing wrong with you.” 😭 and “your daughter left me for a better guy” - will take that crumb — first mention of Julie out of Saracen’s mouth in a minute

-hey, Landry, my friend: flirting with a girl (Jean) to get her outside then dumping her immediately is kind of a wild bait and switch. But I get it, he’s been in love with Tyra for a long time and Tyra IS right — they had a very fucked up start to their relationship so it makes sense she needed a minute to process her ~feelings~. however I definitely identified closer to a jean in my high school experience L O L (minus the unacceptable white dreads)

-these Julie and Tami driving scenes are painfully accurate, btw. Love them.

-wow the scene of Smash hyping everyone up, the adrenaline/energy of the team cheering with helmets and a classic “clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose” - then the whole team running out onto the field and leaving an empty locker room with just Smash breaking down into tears....#art

-alright y’all I’m gearing up for the last episode of S2! Thanks to @lockitin for reminding me this is the writers’ strike season — I was in eighth grade then and remember being pissedddd about the shortened fourth season of “the office” — so I’m fully prepared for the abruptness to come.

-I love when they parallel showing the white church and the black church

-and Tim going to church just to see Lyla makes me laugh

-ooooof Jason you cannot put on this waitress you had a one night stand with the fact that this could be your only chance to have a baby!!! Omg this poor woman who just pointed out she, too, is NINETEEN.

-wait so is Riggins doing a sports show on a Christian radio station? What?

“I think you’re really hot. Your long hair reminds me of Jesus” -Christian girls being horny for Riggins LOL

-awww Saracen being like “okay Landry you’re gonna impress Tyra right now” before that football play was a cute friendship moment for those two

-aww I love how this Smash storyline is turning out with Coach Deeks whose had his eye on him for six years my heart 😭

-also unclear to me whether Logan Huntzberger the Preacher is a fully grown adult dating a high school senior?? Biggest teen drama pet peeve once again! Stop this!

-Tami is my heroine for just leaving Eric at the restaurant fighting with her ex. “see you at home, honey!”

-I’m sorry, is Jason gonna like actually convince this girl to have a baby with her one night stand at 19??? Oh lol wait THAT ended up being the cliffhanger of the whole season? Fucking hilarious.

well I made it through season 2!!! Super psyched for Season 3, Jay has been hyping me up for it. See y’all next time! (I’ll try to post more for season 3 bc this accidentally got long af.)

[boylikeanangel]

adhd anon here 1) your experience with adhd things that are dismissed in women so they go undiagnosed for a long time 2) rejection sensitive dysphoria!!! i just read about it and started to cry 3) what did you think about your mental health before you were diagnosed like what diagnosis you had for yourself unofficially i always had my eyes on anxiety but now i suspect something else i wonder what that is 4) hyper!!!!fixations!!!!! please and thank you

1) from what admittedly little I've read on it, ADHD tends to go undiagnosed in women (counting myself as a woman here because like even tho I'm nb I've been socialised and treated as female my entire life for obvious reasons) because it tends to manifest verbally rather than in physical behaviour. girls with ADHD tend to be excessively talkative which is often overlooked since ADHD is most commonly recognised through hyperactive body language and restlessness. A kid with ADHD manifesting in not being able to sit still is much more likely to get diagnosed than a kid whose ADHD manifests in them talking too much, which was the case with me. I haven't really looked into this side of it too much because my struggles relating to like. It taking so long to get me diagnosed wasn't because of my gender but because of the fact that I was a "gifted" kid. ADHD is seen as an intellectual disorder rather than what it actually is, which is a developmental disorder, so the general opinion is that ADHD = stupid, and someone like me, who is just overall very intelligent and always excelled in school when I was younger, couldn't possibly have ADHD. The fact that I was intelligent allowed me to fly under the radar until around GCSE's (16 years old for those who don't know) because school work didn't require much concentration. But when it got to exams and I actually had to put real effort in and do work past the six allotted hours a day and take the initiative to voluntarily learn and produce work, combined with the fact that I was able to breeze through 12 years of school without having to learn how to revise and study properly, the realisation that there was something wrong hit me hard and fast and I was forced to confront something that I simply hadn't had to think about earlier on. My lack of diagnosis wasn't necessarily caused by the fact that my ADHD manifested early on in my life in a way that was overlooked; it was mostly caused by not having to consider I may have a learning disability until I was expected to take my learning past a point that could be completed and set aside quickly and easily with minimal concentration involved.

2) (I'm gonna talk about the pre-diagnosis before RSD because it kinda feeds into that nicely) I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 12, and while I definitely think I was suffering from what the professionals call "low mood" at the time that was unaffected by my ADHD, I don't believe that those two things, at least now, exist separately from it. ADHD is often diagnosed as anxiety and/or depression, especially in teenagers and young adults, because the inability to concentrate and commit to anything is attributed to the lethargy and apathy of depression, and the rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is attributed to the paranoia and forced asocial behaviour of anxiety. It's understandable considering the stigma around ADHD being "a child's disorder" that a lot of people with ADHD are labelled with depression and anxiety, but it can be so harmful to those who are misdiagnosed, simply for the reason that anxiety and depression are "temporary" issues. You can get therapy to fix depression and anxiety. You can learn it out of you. It takes time, but it's possible. That's not the case with ADHD. You can't CBT the ADHD away. It's something you're stuck with for life, and mislabelling the symptoms of ADHD as disorders that you can fix gives you false hope that one day, if you try really really hard, all of this will go away and you'll just be "normal" again and everything will click into place. I was failing all of my subjects, but I convinced myself that this inability to work through it was just a barrier I could overcome if I worked at it, because it was caused by depression, so eventually I would feel better and it would go away and I'd be able to magically fix my grades. But ADHD doesn't work like that. You can't prevent it; you can only learn coping mechanisms. The realisation that my inability to perform to the standards expected of me because I could just Not Do What Was Being Asked Of Me, even simple things like a worksheet or a research task, was not something I could just power through, brought about the realisation that the path I'd set out for myself of getting qualifications, going to university, getting a degree, etc. was impossible because the kind of things that were expected of me were things ADHD would not allow me to do, which was and still is crushing, and I've basically been forced to have to rethink. My entire future. And that fucking sucks. And all it comes down to really is that I wish I'd been diagnosed sooner. (I'd like to talk about this more in depth at a later date but this post is already so long so I'm just gonna leave it here. Basically: if you've been diagnosed with depression or anxiety but you suspect you may have ADHD, please assess your symptoms and see which they fit into best. You may have been misdiagnosed. It'll save you a lot of time and stress.)

3) RSD!!!!! IT'S NOT FUN!!!! I don't wanna talk about this too much because it just makes me sad but yeah I had no idea this was a thing until one of my friends with ADHD pointed it out to me and it was like the mist cleared and for the first time I saw clearly what the fuck had been going on with my stupid brain for the last however many years. RSD fucking sucks man. I've lost friends over it. I've missed out on a lot of experiences because of it. If you have been diagnosed with anxiety but you suspect you have ADHD, I am BEGGING you to read up on RSD. It's a very specific type of anxiety exclusive to ADHD and it definitely called me out more than once.

4) (I cant do much more of this because my head is killing me but I'm trying my best ok) hyperfixations!!!!! they rule my life!!!!!! and every single one is bigger than the last!!! every single time I get a new hyperfixation I'm like "I'll never care about anything else as much as I care about this" and then six months later I CARE ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE MORE. IT'S NEVERENDING. ADHD brains are wired to think about one thing All The Fucking Time, so everything makes me think of good omens. just like everything made me think of pacific rim this time last year. everything can be related to the hyperfixation. there are no exceptions. looking back on my childhood I definitely had a lot of hyperfixations that went unchecked, like the one with the hunger games when I was 11 where I would force my friends to play pretend games where we murdered each other in the fields behind our houses.....that and like. dinosaurs. basically every year or so I reshape my entire personality around a new obsession. I cannot just Enjoy things. I must Become them. and no one else gets it!!! NO ONE ELSE GETS IT. I get made fun of a lot by people around me for getting so excited and emotional all the time over seemingly tiny little things, which in turn plays into the RSD (ADHD is its own worst enemy for fucking real), which is why I enjoy being here so much. because like....everyone else is exactly the same. and I'm really thankful to have found people who feel things as strongly and care as much as I do. so....thanks for that everyone

if you want me to talk about anything else or go into more detail I would be very happy to but unfortunately it is 2am and I have a splitting headache and also I've typed nonstop for about an hour now and that's more than the stupid hyper dumbass idiot brain usually allows and now I'm exhausted lmao....but thank you for taking interest in this and I hope this. idk. helps in some way??? gn

[survivingfmandcfs]

hello! I'm the anon who doesn't have a diagnosis yet, I talked to my doctor and she says that before the rheumatologist she's going to send me to specialist that's in the health center I go to. I'm very scared that this person will say I have somatic symptom disorder because I'm an idiot and all I said to the doctor was where I was experiencing pain and that I had severe fatigue, I had made sure list with all of the symptoms and out of anxiety I forgot to tell her, she's going to call me next Wednesday to see what we're going to do. the thing is that since I already have anxiety it will be do easy for them to just say I have somatic symptom disorder without doing anything else? and I'm pretty scared about that. sometimes I feel like I can't trust my judgement since I have anxiety and somatic symptom disorder could be an option, but i also feel like she's straight up downplaying my symptoms because the word psychosomatic sounds fake, like it doesn't hold any weight to it and it's just a way to not look more into things and it makes me feel really small, and is like....if you have more "real" illness (the ones that can be proven are not just a bunch of symptoms glued together) they take you more seriously I guess? and all I have are syndromes like depression and anxiety (social and generalized) but I'll guess I'll have to wait and see what happens next week

Hi Nonnie! Sorry it took me a bit to get back to you - I wanted to make sure I had enough mental energy to give you an adequate response.

First some advice: bring your list with you to the specialist, and try to remember to mention those other symptoms to them. I would also talk to your primary doctor again and tell them you had another list of symptoms that you forgot to share at your last appointment. It may or may not make a difference, and it might just mean that you’ll definitely have to go see the rheumatologist, but that’s a good thing. And of course, you should make sure that your rheumatologist gets the list.

I went ahead and did some googling about Somatic Symptom Disorder, because I wanted to make sure my information was accurate. So here’s a quote from the Mayo Clinic Website about it:

Somatic symptom disorder is characterized by an extreme focus on physical symptoms — such as pain or fatigue — that causes major emotional distress and problems functioning. You may or may not have another diagnosed medical condition associated with these symptoms, but your reaction to the symptoms is not normal.

You often think the worst about your symptoms and frequently seek medical care, continuing to search for an explanation even when other serious conditions have been excluded. Health concerns may become such a central focus of your life that it's hard to function, sometimes leading to disability.

If you have somatic symptom disorder, you may experience significant emotional and physical distress. Treatment can help ease symptoms, help you cope and improve your quality of life.

Here’s what I understand from that description: Somatic Symptom Disorder is an overreaction to physical symptoms that you do have. It is possible to have a real, physical health condition in addition to Somatic Symptom Disorder. Your doctors should be searching for a cause and attempting to treat those physical symptoms. And Somatic Symptom Disorder itself is also a real, diagnoseable condition that should be treated with compassion and care. Any doctor who uses “psychosomatic” or Somatic Symptom Disorder as excuses to ignore a patient’s distress is a bad doctor and you should get a new one.

Not knowing is scary. Health anxiety is very much a thing. But anxiety should not be a reason for a doctor to refuse to treat your very real symptoms. When I was searching for my own diagnosis, I was very open with my doctors about my (undiagnosed, at the time) anxiety and depression, and how they related to my other health struggles. But they were separate issues. Some of the symptoms overlapped, yes, but some of them did not. And my doctors acknowledged that and in the end I was able to get help for everything that was going on, not just bits and pieces.

When I was first (sort of) diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, it felt like a junk diagnosis. Like it was just something to throw at me so I would go away and stop bothering my doctors with things they didn’t know how to fix. But then I actually started reading about it more, and doing my own research, and I discovered that Fibromyalgia is actually a really well-recognized condition with very specific criteria for diagnosis - so specific, in fact, that while Chronic Fatigue Syndrome can look very similar from an outside perspective, there are actually distinct differences between the two that allowed me to be diagnosed with both. So while these things can look like they’re just a bunch of symptoms lumped together in a “idk what’s wrong with you” box, there’s been a lot of thought put into which symptoms actually fit into that box.

This got really long. But I hope that it helped you, at least a bit. I hope that your appointments go well and that you’re able to get a diagnosis and treatment that will help you. I’m sending so much love your way, my friend, and I’ll be thinking of you.

[plantanarchy]

When people learn i have bipolar disorder, it's always, "Oh wow, i had no idea!" while subtly implying I'm too stable for such a diagnosis (if only they had seen me several years ago, yikes). And it makes me so nervous to tell anyone, because the second I get emotional over something, it'll be "just because they're bipolar". It's a lose-lose situation with this disorder, because 99% of everyone doesn't understand anything about it. sorry, had to rant, society makes this disorder way shittier.

Yep basically. In my experience, people are just really ignorant about what it actually entails and/or are completely unable to be empathetic when their mental illness starts to inconvenience them. My grandma has Bipolar Type 1 and has been in a really deep depression phase since my grandpa died ~6 years ago and the way my family talks about her is pretty messed up? Like she’s in a nursing home now and they are always angry with her that she doesn’t want to do things or have visitors but then are all “oh well at least she’s not manic!”. It’s a very dehumanizing way of talking about someone.

And my older sister is undiagnosed but likely also has Type 1 and two years ago had a pretty severe mania episode which involved hallucinations and she had to come stay with us for a few months. And because she was still manic and hard to deal with, my parents acted like putting up with her was such a huge burden and they were saints to deal with it and keep supporting her... yes, it is a very hard disorder, especially Type 1 and especially untreated. It can be confusing and difficult and unpleasant to interact with someone who’s in either a manic or depressive phase but idk... it’s not as if it’s absolutely impossible. They are people who are sick and need help, they’re not intentionally acting the way they are just to ruin your day.

It definitely runs in my family and there’s a strong possibility I have some type of bipolar disorder misdiagnosed as anxiety and depression, but pursuing actual diagnosis and treatment (if need be) has so much stigma attached, especially in my family. I currently don’t think the symptoms I’m experiencing are severe enough to really need intervention, but my sister and grandma were both that way until suddenly later in life they had an episode bad enough to need intervention. And the complete lack of empathy or understanding from people is awful?

Like in school for a memoir class, I wrote about my fear that I may have bipolar disorder and despite writing in depth about what the disorder was, that there are different types, that it’s not just “moodiness”, people in my workshop still didn’t get it lol they genuinely critiqued my depiction of bipolar disorder saying that “this sounds more like schizophrenia”. Lol they had clearly never interacted with somebody in fullblown mania-inspired delusions... psychosis can absolutely be a part of bipolar disorder. It’s not “oh yesterday you were sad and today you are happy and excited” or “you liked that yesterday and now you hate it!”.

[fairycosmos]

im not diagnosed with an eating disorder, but i either binge or i starve, usually the former. when i do eat, i think about recovery and that makes me push the food away bc i just... dont want to recover. at all. idk why but id rather have an ed than eat normally bc eating scares me even tho i donit literally every second of my life. i hate myself so much omg wtf am i doing? i say i should starve but i keep packing it on im disgusting oh my god.

hey love. it definitely sounds like you have some sort of eating disorder, and just bc it’s not diagnosed doesn’t mean it’s not extremely serious. in fact, it’s probably even more serious remaining undiagnosed bc it means you’re not getting any sort of help or treatment, and not having a label on what is wrong with you makes it feel even more confusing and invalidating. i could sit here and tell you that ED’s are one of the most fatal types of mental illness, that you’re gambling with your life, that you’re beautiful and that you don’t need to be doing this. all of that’s true, but i know that eating disorder’s don’t bond well with logic, and i’m not trying to scare you or anything like that. keep in mind that binging is unhealthy, just as unhealthy as starving but i know that both of those behaviors are very hard to quit. which is the the only way to move past this is to tell someone, your parents or a doctor or a therapist if that’s a possibility for you. it’s very rare for someone to beat an eating disorder entirely by themselves. yes, that’s the last thing you want to hear. yes, it’s scary and you probably don’t want to do it. but ultimately the choice is yours and it comes down to this: do you want to live the rest of your life being controlled by your weight and by food, or do you want to take the first step and reach out for help? there are people that are fully trained and willing to assist you in recovery, and they’re not going to think you’re crazy or admit you to a hospital - they’re just going to give you options. it will take time, and effort, and a lot of will power on your part but it’s 100% possible for you to get better. you deserve more than to go through each day thinking you’re disgusting, you deserve more than this hellish cycle of binging and starving. trust me, i’ve been there. it’s horrible, and you’re really fucking brave for dealing with it so far, but i really hope you do the right thing, put yourself and your health first and tell somebody. even if you don’t want to see a doctor right away, there are organizations and helplines that also deal with this stuff and they can help you, too and give you additional information on the subject. you’re stronger than you feel like you are, okay? you can get through a lot more than you think you can.

i’m not sure where you live but here are a few resources: 

http://www.seedeatingdisorders.org.uk/

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

https://www.b-eat.co.uk/about-eating-disorders/do-you-have-an-eating-disorder/recovery-is-possible

hope you’re okay love. have a nice day.

[pet-diary]

How was it like growing up as an autistic child? When were you diagnosed? C:

I was diagnosed later in life (mid-twenties) after seeking out the diagnosis on my own. I never really knew I was autistic as a child or as I was growing up, I just knew there was something “different” about me. It was hard to put two and two together for a number of reasons…

(adding a read more cut because this ended up being a long answer, sorry!)

I was home schooled by my mom with only my brother and sister as company until I reached the 7th grade. The only real social interaction I had was with a few family friends (most of whom trickled out of our life after a couple of yrs of knowing them, for various reasons) and kids I got to know at church. I went to church every Sunday and Wednesday until I was in jr high and had a few friendships that lasted a few yrs, but all of them ended over time (kind of badly in some cases, some of them bullied me in the end). I hung out with my cousin for several yrs until she also became too “cool” for me. Needless to say, everyone just thought I was weird because I was home schooled, isolated, and friendless through most of my little kid yrs.

Despite having a somewhat isolated childhood I was really happy I think. I didn’t really get why people didn’t want to be my friend back then. I was a pretty happy kid. I didn’t think it was all that weird to be as hyper-focused on small details of things as I was, to notice the things I did, or to have the special interests I had. Also I was really really shy and didn’t talk very much at all. I had fewer sensory issues back then because I was more in control of my environment (spent almost every minute at home!) but they tended to get worse on long trips in the car or in situations where I couldn’t get away.

I grew up in a very small town in Texas. There was no practical or helpful interventions in place for kids who didn’t “look” like they had a disability, but still did have one. None of my issues ever got singled out on an institutional level (like recognizing a learning disability or whatever, my issues were mostly intrapersonal and interpersonal, everyone thought my educational issues were bc of home school). My parents thought I had a behavioral attitude problem and threatened to send me to boot camp a lot (my dad is ex marine). I got in trouble at home a lot because I was argumentative. The one time i spoke up about having anxiety and depression I got a couple of months worth of Lexapo from my GP, and never got it refilled. I was a freshman in high school at the time I think. Mental health wasn’t talked about or taken seriously where I grew up. If you had real problems you were supposed to work them out in church (no offense to ppl who believe in that, but I don’t think it should take the place of practical interventions that can help improve ppl’s lives). I mostly just started “working them out” through self injury (bad coping mechanism), and later through art.

From jr high to high school I kind of found my niche. I had groups of friends eventually, really good friends. Mostly outcast types, but we didn’t care, we were the weirdos and we liked that. I also took on the role as the artsy eccentric one in the group who said weird stuff that people thought was funny or amusing. I actually really liked this part of me, but the other issues in my life at the time made this a less happy point in my life. It was a mixed bag.At this point (basically from 7th grade on) I was dealing with a lot of depression, anxiety, self injury, etc. I started looking into psychology as a way to describe what I was going through, why I had such intense emotions, meltdowns, sensory issues, depression, headaches, stress, etc. That time period was the birth of my lifelong interest in psychology. I bought every book I could, watched every movie. There was a lot of confusing info out there (movies probably didn’t help since they don’t portray mental illness very accurately usually, lol). But autism was never really brought to my attention because of the obvious reasons (stereotypically a young boy’s disorder, mute stereotype), but also because of the divide between the medical field and the psychological field. I was looking in the wrong places, apparently. I think this divide is a major issue that will eventually need to be addressed, by the way.

To answer your actual question… Growing up undiagnosed autistic was confusing as all hell. Often sad. Very very lonely. I didn’t really get what I was doing “wrong” most of the time? For a large portion of my life I had a lot of magical thinking. I thought I was “special” and could like, control certain things in my life (kind of like in a serendipitous way? idk it’s hard to describe). I used to think I had schizotypal pd but that might have just been a result of trying to make a confusing life make sense. Maybe I do though who knows really.

I might have had these issues with or without a diagnosis, but I definitely have always felt “broken” bc I didn’t have an explanation for why I was different.I have a lot of self-loathing, lack of confidence issues that I’m still working through as an adult. To be honest with you (and I don’t consider this tmi because this is my blog lol)… I was really at my wit’s end when I decided to seek out a diagnosis. I felt broken, like a burden, like garbage parts that would never do any good in the world or mean anything to anyone. I had a lot of suicidal thoughts all the time, I was in a really dark place for many years and the only thing keeping me going was my husband (then boyfriend) and my pets. When it got bad enough that I was scared for my safety I decided I needed to demand help from myself and my family and friends.

Things completely changed when I got my diagnosis. Something in me shifted, and I felt I understood the universe more clearly. Kind of like when you learn something new in school or whatever and everything takes on new meaning somehow. It was like that. Since then, I’ve had a lot more self acceptance. I still have a lot of issues sometimes when I’m having a really bad meltdown or depression (okay it happens way more than it should, I really need to go to therapy I know, lol), but things have improved so drastically by knowing I’m autistic, I can’t even tell you. It’s also improved my relationship with my husband, (side bonus).

It hasn’t been all good, I mean, my family and irl friends have barely acknowledged it which just makes me doubt myself all over again… But then I remember “oh yeah other people don’t have to deal with this kind of shit!!!! This isn’t typical!!! This isn’t the “normal” everyone else is experiencing!! Fuck you I’m autistic or whatever else you wanna call it, come at me!!!! I’m done feeling like I’m broken so just accept it already and start to know me as me and not as this bullshit image you’ve created in your mind to represent me!!” :D

Besides, acceptance or not, I’m always going to have the issues I have. I’ll always have a hard time understanding what people are saying when there’s too much going on, I’ll always get overwhelmed and burned out, I’ll always have meltdowns (something that is very hard to accept about myself), I’ll always make social blunders and misunderstand people, I’ll always be misunderstood, I’ll always struggle with things that come more easily for others. But I’ll also always see the world from a totally different perspective from everyone else, which I think really helps me in my art and ideas. And I have a lot of fun in life when things are going well, I’m really super passionate about so much and I think that’s because of my strong emotions and connectiveness to things. I have a fun childlike view of everything when I’m in a healthy place and I love that about myself. There’s a lot of really cool things about it, and some bad things too.

Sorry this is such a long answer. I’m clearly avoiding my school work…………. It’s been a long stressful weekend and venting a little felt good so thank you for this question that I have taken way far off track, heh heh.

I should probably be more “professional” in my answers to these types of questions since this is the field I want to specialize in eventually, but whatever. This is real life and real life is messy and sometimes you get mad about your baggage and curse a little. It helps to curse a little. ;)

Also I’m an oversharer, sorry! Autism is a big interest of mine and so is human behavior. So it’s hard to hold back…

[aquarianlights]

PSA to everyone who knows me and interacts with me:

I don’t know what’s happened to me or what’s happening. I don’t know if their lupus/fibro diagnosis (I’ll know which sometime this month or next) is causing this, if the meds they put me on for it is causing this, if the lack of drugs I have is causing it, if my psych meds are fucked or need to be switched or adjusted or whatever I DON’T KNOW

But I am angry. I have never experienced black-out anger as I have these past few weeks. I spent approximately 6 hours driving and in and out of stores yesterday without any memory or knowledge of it happening because I was blacked out from anger. There is proof in voice clips I sent to both Tiffy and Chelle. It was terrifying for me and those in contact with me.

Usually the only time I black out from anger is when I have weed in my system, if someone is smoking weed in the vicinity of me, or if I have ingested some sort of herbal/natural remedy (ESPECIALLY weed).

I don’t NORMALLY black out from anger without something herbal to stimulate this (normally weed). I will not get angry to the point of beating someone until they stop breathing unless there is something like weed in my system.

Yesterday....I was not in the vicinity of anything herbal. Definitely not weed. There were no chances of me ingesting anything. Yet, somehow, there are 6 hours missing from my day from pure rage.

I am scared. I am hurting myself every night. And it’s not enough. Even if I get enough blood out of myself that I’m lightheaded from blood loss, it’s not enough. No matter how deep I cut, it’s not enough. No matter how many pills I put into my system, it’s not enough. Nothing is enough.

Psychs can’t help me. All they can do is drug me. And I am never going back to anti-psychs. NEVER. And I will NEVER allow myself to be institutionalized again. NEVER.

Psychs are trained to deal with people with depression, anxiety, marital problems, autism, whatever the fuck. . . NORMAL mental illnesses. They aren’t trained for a combination of BPD, schizo-affective disorder, and socio or psychopathy. I REALLY WISH SOMEONE WOULD EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THEY WROTE DOWN SOCIO AND VERBALLY SAID PSYCHO BECAUSE APPARENTLY THERE IS A DIFFERENCE AND I HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE OF THE DIFFERENCE BECAUSE I THOUGHT THEY WERE FUCKING SYNONYMOUS UNTIL...until a friend told me when I was diagnosed that there’s a difference.

I’m beyond my limit. I’m to the point at where cutting isn’t enough. Seeing blood pool isn’t enough. Holding globs of blood in my hands isn’t enough. Slicing and stabbing away at myself isn’t enough. I can’t go any deeper. I can’t go any harder. I can’t......

There’s not enough drugs. I can maybe down 10-15 valium with just mild respiratory depression that won’t kill me but I don’t WANT TO EXPERIENCE RESPIRATORY DEPRESSION AT ALL but anything less than that WON’T BE ENOUGH TO NUMB THE PAIN both psychological and physical

And I don’t have enough

I don’t

There’s other things

I have a pain appointment tomorrow at a pain clinic but I dounbt they will be any help since I don’t have all my pill bottles and am mising one key bottle which will make me look like an addict, which I AM AN ADDICT but the fact is, I’m not LOOKING for this script they can give me which is narcotics as an addict. I’m looking at it for a way to FUCKING GET OUT OF BED AND FUNCTION FOR AT LEAST 6 HOURS A DAY. To drive my car, to play with my dog, to walk my dog, to go to school, to get a job, to get an internship, TO FUNCTION TO FUNCTION TO BE A NORMAL FUCKING HUMAN BEING. Nsaids don’t work alone, narcotics don’t work alone, THAT’S WHY THIS SCRIPT COULD BE MY SAVING FUCKING GRACE but will they help me like I need to be helped? Probably not because I don’t have all my pill bottles

So wyhen I get home tomorrow after the pain clinic trip....and they deny me like I nknow they will...that will be it. That will be fucking it and I won’t be able to take it anymore

There is a spot on the human body that, if cut, you will bleed out in approximately 20 minutes, give or take, and be unconscious for about 10-15 minutes of that, give or take. But the time you are awake, you will be in excruciating pain. If you can get through that and gt to the point of passing out, you’re solid. As long as no one finds you. But if some CRUEL FCKING PERSON were to call 911 and “save you”, you’d never be able to use your hand again. And for someone with dreams of becoming a surgeon, that’s not something I can risk unless I know for sure no one is going to find me for those FULL 20 FUCKING MINUTES

But I can’t...I can’t guarantee that so I can’t do it.

I’m angry. I’m constantly angry and idk if this is normal with chronic physical pain as bad as mine is. I’m so angry I could beat someone to a pulp until they stop breathing. I won’t, but I REALLY, REALLY WANT TO. And boy would it help a fuckton. But I won’t. At least, not today. Not while there’s still this stupid chance of hope I’m giving myself.

is this normal? With moderate-severe chronic pain? With a scary undiagnosed illness? I’ve never dealt with internal physical pain like this that disabled me from doing normal every day activities. I expected to be a completely able-bodied person for life.

And I’m mad. I’m angry. I’M FURIOUS. I WANT TO DESTROY THINGS AND HUMAN BEINGS FROM THE INSIDE OUT! I want to punch someone in their stomach and grab their intestines and rip them out with my bare hands and wrap them around their own throat and stand over them while they struggle to live as the life seeps out of their eyes.

They aren’t just intrusive thoughts anymore. They’re seeping into my dreams. My nightmares? They feel more like dreams because every time I kill someone in my dreams.....I wake up and feel so much more relaxed and so much better mentally.

Is this normal with chronic physical pain? Is anger normal? Are these dreams nromal? Are intrusive thoughts suddenly coming to life in dreams normal? Are intrusive thoughts becoming desires real because of physical pain?

Maybe these meds are interacting with my psych meds or my disorders themselves.

I don’t know who toeven call to help. I’m trying to get in touch with a psych BUT PSYCHS AREN’T TRAINED TO HANDLE PATIENTS LIKE ME. I don’t know who to call or where to go and I WILL NOT BE LOCKD UP AGAIN. I REFUSE. I REFUSE TO BE LOCKED UP AND I REFUSE TO SPEND 7 MORE YEARS DRUGGED OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

Maybe everything will resolve itself.

A lot of other major life things have just happened so maybe it’s not solely this?

I’m so angry I could kill. Not an animal, ofc. NEver an animal. But a human being? Sure. I won’t. I can’t. But I want to.

FUcking hell I just want the pain to stop. I want everythingto stop. I want to die but I can’t and I don’t even know WHY I CAN’T ANYMORE.

Does it end? Does itever end? Does the pain go away? Do the meds go away?

DOES THE ANGER GO AWAY?

This was intended as a psa to tell yu guys that when interacting with me, I will probably be mean and awful and horrible and maybe even ruthlessly cruel. But...it’s not you. You did nothing wrong.

WHEN DOES IT END!?