#back to before

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

-Cassie develops time powers after the events of MM4

This is a fun idea I can't figure out how to write. Does anyone else have thoughts?

[liliasenbyhusband]

Back To Before

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Robyn (the roommate) x reader

Warnings: 18+ MDNI, mentions of past smut, mentions of doing cons and scams, mentions of drinking, mentions of smoking weed and mentions of going church, that’s it I think?

Tags: Angst.. like so much angst, hurt/no comfort (the comfort is gonna show up in a few chapters, I promise), abandonment, a lot of unanswered questions, established relationship, Sharon being the confused sweetheart she is, canonically accurate disdain for Iowa.

Summary: You never questioned Robyn’s devotion to you… in hindsight you wish you had, since one day she decided to just up and leave you without a warning or an explanation. You’re determined to get your answers though.

Notes: this idea was inspired by the cover Patti sings of “Back To Before” and a gut wrenching idea I had for a Robyn x reader fic, because my beloved is incredibly underrated. This is going to be a multi-chapter fic and much like in play stupid games the pov will change every chapter to give more insight into what both characters are going through.

As always, thank you to my amazing beta reader, @imorynn, who tortured me with my own words and gave me the motivation to start this series (it’s her fault I’m tormenting you all with this). I appreciate you very much, my friend. I also would like to take this moment to formally apologise to her for torturing her with this, I admit I was the bigger whore 😔✋🏻

Words: ~4K

Chapter 2 | Chapter 3

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Chapter 1: ‘My sky, my moon and my stars and my ocean’

Devotion, that’s the only way you could describe the way you and Robyn loved each other, pure and utter devotion.

You had studied her features in the moonlight, when every single one of her defenses had crumbled and she laid down beside you, her arms wrapped around your waist and her lips slightly parted. You had memorised the way the corner of her lips tilted up into a smirk when she knew she had the upper hand. Your heart still bore the scars from the times you had seen the sparkle in her eyes be dimmed and replaced by glistening tears. When you closed your eyes you could still map out every wrinkle, every freckle and every stretch mark that adorned her beautiful body.

And never once did you doubt her devotion to you. It was clear in the way she looked up at you, in the way her hands so carefully traced your body, as if you were made of glass, in the whispered words when it was just the two of you in bed, your limbs tangled together, unclear where she ended and you began. The way she so reverently breathed your name when she watched you come undone left no room for doubt.

She was your partner in crime, both literally and figuratively. She was the brain behind the cons and scams you had been doing for years now. You two worked like a well oiled machine successfully pulling off anything Robyn’s mind could come up with. One look, a single word, or the smallest hand gesture was all that was needed to understand the other.

You were on the same wavelength about almost everything, you understood the other like no one else could.. or so you had thought. You had never questioned anything, had never needed to, life had been as perfect as it could get, everything was running smoothly, you had no reason to doubt anything, so you hadn’t. You had followed every direction, joined every one of Robyn’s whims and had let her guide you through life, without question.

So when one day you had returned from an errand she sent you on and found your shared apartment empty and devoid of any of her stuff, all traces of her presence erased, your heart had plummeted into your stomach. You had searched every nook and cranny for any sort of message, explanation, reason, but had found nothing. You lost count of how many times you had called her, leaving voicemail after voicemail, sending message after message, until she had blocked your number. That’s when it hit you square in the face, any hope you had previously harboured that there was a logical explanation for this, was thrown out the window. She had abandoned you, just like that, from one day to the next.

You cursed yourself then, for blindly following her, for devoting yourself to her so fully that you had never doubted her, questioned her, and now it had come back to haunt you. You spent days in bed, going over every interaction you had had with her that past month to try and figure out if she had given any indications that she had planned this, trying to figure out if you had missed any clues or signs. But no matter how long you spent reliving the past, examining every little word she had spoken and expression her face had held, you came up with nothing. Nothing had been different, nothing had changed… not until you had come home to an empty apartment.

You had spent those nights crying yourself to sleep, hugging the pillow Robyn once laid her head on and sobbing into it as the realisation that she had left you just like that began to fully sink in.

The next few weeks were a blur, you had attempted to forget her, tried to find a way to move on, but nothing worked. You had lost count of the many different methods you had tried, attempting everything your friends had suggested.

You had tried drinking and spending the night in the arms of a stranger, hoping they would make you forget, but you only felt worse the next morning, as if you’d been unfaithful to her, as if you’d broken some sacred oath you didn’t know you had sworn. They had been nothing but an agonising reminder of what you had lost, proof that she had ruined you for anyone else.

You had tried journaling and going to therapy, but anything you wrote about her ended up littered with praise and devotion, and the second your therapist spoke a negative word about her it felt like you were betraying her. You couldn’t speak negatively about her, not even after she had ripped out your heart so carelessly.

You had spent evenings sitting on the cold floor of your kitchen, crying your heart out and letting yourself just drown in your feelings. ‘I know it’s over’ by The Smiths played on repeat, as a way to poke the wound in your chest, the last thing Robyn gave you, the only thing of hers you still had. She loved The Smiths, had introduced you to them, had told you her heartbreaking stories that she related to the songs… and now she had become a heartbreaking story that you related to their song. Those evenings became too much for you to handle, the emotions too intense as you poked and prodded at the gaping hole Robyn left behind in your chest.

So out of pure desperation you had even tried going to church and talking to a priest. But words had failed you, and the only way you knew how to worship was through Robyn, the only prayers you knew had been spoken at her altar, through whispered promises and soft kisses. But those promises had turned out to be lies, and your lips burned with the knowledge of what it was like to kiss Robyn’s skin. No, you could never worship another being, not after what she had done to you.

Nothing you had tried had brought you any solace, nothing quieted the questions plaguing your mind as you tried to make sense of the situation. You frequently thought back to the last few moments you spent together, hoping to somehow find a new piece of information that would make everything make sense.

You sighed happily as you felt Robyn play with your hair, your head positioned in her lap as you looked up at her, studying her features. You loved afternoons like this, where nothing was planned and you just got to lay on the couch, head in Robyn’s lap, simply enjoying each other’s company.

Your eyes drifted to the wrinkles above her upper lip, you took your time memorising how each line adorned her skin, your eyes then continued their journey downwards and focused on her lips. You thought back to the many times you had felt them on your own, how soft they felt against your skin when they explored your body as she left her mark, the sounds that escaped them when you fingered her. Robyn cleared her throat, pulling you out of your thoughts. So you reluctantly pulled your eyes away from her lips and focused on her eyes as she spoke.

“I need you to do me a favour, baby. Remember those clay figures I made? Can you go grab them from the storage box for me, please?”

Robyn’s voice was soft and tender while she looked at you with pleading eyes. You couldn’t say no to her when she looked at you like that, you had lost the battle before it had even started, yet you still weren’t going without putting up a protest.

“Why do you need them now? I’m so comfortable.. besides that place gives me the creeps.”

You almost whined the words, not wanting to leave the comfort and safety of Robyn’s lap. Her hands stopped playing with your hair and she chuckled as you pouted while looking up at her. You both knew this was futile, you could never deny her anything when she looked at you like this, still you didn’t want to look like too much of a pushover.

“I’ll explain it when you get back, darling. Please, I promise we can cuddle more afterwards. I’ll reward you for facing your fears”

Her voice turned playful when she said the last sentence, the innuendo behind it barely hidden as she gave you that look. You blushed a little as you thought of what Robyn might have in mind, she did love making you sit on her face as a reward. You sighed and didn’t probe any further, deciding the trip would be worth it.

You quickly got up, the faster you got up and left, the faster you were back to collect your prize. It didn’t stop you from complaining and grumbling the entire time while you got ready though. You heard Robyn laugh at your complaints, as she mumbled something about you being far too dramatic.

Once you were ready to leave she had gotten up and kissed your lips tenderly and lovingly, before pulling back with a small smile on her lips, her voice was soft as she spoke.

“Thank you, my angel, I love you.”

You still got butterflies whenever you heard those three words, no matter how much she had said them before, hearing them tumble from her lips still made you feel giddy, even when she was making you leave the comfort of your home to grab some stupid clay figures.

“I love you too.”

That was the last thing you had said to her, you had pecked her lips once more and then made your way to your storage box. By now you couldn’t remember how long you’d been gone, but it had been long enough for her to pack up everything she owned and leave before you came back home.

You opened the door to your apartment, beginning to talk the second you walked through the door.

“Babe, I couldn’t find the cardboard box with your clay figures! Are you sure they’re not here? You’re going to have some extra making up to do if I went all the way up there for nothing.”

Your voice was teasing and playful as you took off your shoes and coat. You waited for an answer but the expected response never came, instead an eerie silence filled the apartment.

As you walked through the apartment, in search of Robyn, you realised all of her stuff was gone.. and so was she. That’s when the search for any kind of message she may have left behind began.

You had dissected every single moment of that day, every minute had been held under a magnifying glass as you tried to find anything that could point to Robyn leaving you later that day, but every single time the search left you empty handed and with more questions than before.

That morning had started the same as any other, Robyn had been the first one up and, just like every other morning, she had made you a cup of coffee before waking you up by placing a gentle kiss on your temple. The kiss hadn’t lingered longer than it normally did, the coffee hadn’t tasted different than it usually had, and she hadn’t said anything she otherwise wouldn’t.

You had made breakfast while she teased you, her words hadn’t been sharper or more stinging than usual. She stole kisses that hadn’t been more fleeting than any of the kisses she usually placed on your lips. She distracted you, loudly singing along to the music she had put on in the background, the same music she always played when you cooked for her. It had been just like every other lazy morning you had spent together.

And like on most days you decided to take off, you two had ended up on the couch, your head in her lap, there had been nothing different in the way her fingers raked through your hair, her nails softly scratching your scalp, just the way you liked it. She hadn’t looked like she was in distress, neither like she was trying to savor the moment, nor like she was looking forward to it ending.

The way she had asked you for a favour hadn’t been any different to how she normally asked you. And when you had gotten ready, there hadn’t been any suitcases or cardboard boxes packed or scattered around, indicating that she might be leaving.

When she had kissed you goodbye it had been a kiss like any other, she had kissed you that way a million times before, and at the time you thought she would kiss you like that a million times more. It hadn’t lingered longer than usual, like she wanted to remember how you tasted or like she was saying goodbye. It hadn't been shorter than usual, like she just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible and didn’t actually want to kiss you.

The way she had spoken those three words hadn’t been different either. Even after all these weeks you could still hear the adoration and devotion behind them, you could still see the love and care in her eyes, like you always could when she said those words. She hadn’t said them with more passion or melancholy, there wasn’t any ingenuity or annoyance either.

It had been a normal, mundane day, one you’d had hundreds of times before. There had been nothing special or out of the ordinary about it. You almost wished it hadn’t been so nice, so usual, if instead you had had a huge fight, then you would have had something to blame, a reason for her disappearance.

Now you had been left with nothing but questions, your brain never once quieting down, the sadness slowly but surely turning into anger and determination. You were going to find her, it didn’t matter how, you needed to face her, yell at her, demand the answers she owed you, ask her how she could do this to you, ask her if you really had meant so little to her, when she had meant everything to you.

It had taken weeks, you had called in multiple favours and used every connection you had, but you had finally found out where she was. Iowa… she had fled to Iowa City, of all places. When one of your connections had contacted you and sent you the address, you had asked if they were sure.. the Robyn you knew would never set foot in Iowa, the very people you scammed lived in places like Iowa. But they had checked and double checked and reassured you that they were one hundred percent certain.

It was another reminder that you might not know her as well as you thought you had, another harsh slap to the face as reality hit you once again. You had thought you were able to read her mind, you had been sure of it, you had spent years of your life with her… years she had thrown away one random morning, without an explanation, without a reason, without you seeing it coming… proof that you had no clue who she really was.

You packed your bags and jumped on the first plane to Iowa, determined to get the answers you deserved, you needed, if you wanted even a shot at trying to get over her. Part of you, the painfully hopeful one, hoped you might talk some sense into her, get her to come back home with you. It hoped that you could talk it all out, that there was some logical explanation for this, and that you could pick up where you had left off, without anything changing. The other part of you wanted to scream at her till you were hoarse, wanted to throw every insult you could think of at her, wanted to demand answers, and then shout at her some more. You weren’t sure which side you preferred.

The entire plane ride was excruciatingly painful. It lasted way too long and your thoughts would not leave you alone. Your mind was full of her, it always was, it had been ever since you first met her. At first you had just been colleagues of sorts… you scammed people together, you were partners in crime. That relationship had slowly but surely bloomed into something more, something deeper. You had fallen deeply and madly in love with her, and she somehow had reciprocated those feelings… or so she had claimed, at least. You had felt like the luckiest person on the planet at the time… now you doubted if she ever actually loved you.

Memories of your time together flooded you, from the first cons you had successfully pulled off together, to the evenings you had spent in her apartment, listening to songs, smoking weed, blushing whenever she caught you staring at her, to the night you had confessed your feelings to her, afraid to be rejected but no longer able to keep it all in. You could still feel the way her lips had crashed onto yours when you had finally admitted to having a crush on her. The kiss had been passionate, hurried and clumsy, but perfect nonetheless, all of her feelings towards you becoming clear to you without any words, the kiss speaking for itself.

You remembered how she had told you she loved you one random morning, after you had stayed the night, something that happened often after that kiss. You had stolen one of her boxers and her robe, softly humming one of her favourite songs to yourself as you made breakfast for the both of you. You hadn’t noticed she had walked into the kitchen till she placed the gentlest of kisses on your cheek before breathing out those three words. The way her face turned bright red, the worried frown that had appeared on her face, her inability to hold eye contact, and the way she anxiously bit her lip, were burned into your memory.

You remembered how you had dropped the spoon you were holding as the words reached your ears, pure joy taking over your heart as you realised that the woman in front of you felt the exact same way you did. Before she could utter some sort of excuse you had told her you loved her too. The way all of the worry had disappeared from her face as it lit up with disbelief, joy and love, was something you would never be able to forget, much like the intense and passionate sex you had had moments after. It had been your first time making love, instead of just fucking.

She loved you at some point, she must have… there was no way she hadn’t, she couldn’t have faked any of that, not even if she were the best actress this world had ever seen. You questioned if she still loved you, if maybe something out of her control had happened, if maybe this was salvageable. The same pain that had been haunting you for months had made itself known as you thought about the possibility that she had simply stopped loving you and hadn’t had the balls to tell you, so she had fled like a coward. It was entirely unlike her, she never ran away from conflict, she didn’t see confrontations or conflict as something bad. But then again, you weren’t entirely sure if you could still correctly say what was and what wasn’t like her.

Your mind kept running through every single possible scenario of what might have happened, so by the time you were back on solid ground, you felt worse than you had in days. The all too familiar pain that had been a constant these past few weeks had doubled in intensity, and you felt nauseous when you realised that you were about to confront the woman who was responsible for this emotional anguish.

The entire drive to the address you had been given had been even more hellish than the plane ride, as both parts of your brain fought for the upper hand. A war had been waging inside you, as you tried to decide whether to shout at her or beg her to come home, and neither side had won. So now you were standing in front of the door that separated you from Robyn and from all the answers you craved, unsure on what you should do. You wanted to scream in her face, you wanted to beg her to come home, you needed answers, you needed to be held by her.

Your anxiety spiked and your heart rate rapidly increased, the longer you thought about it, the less you knew what you wanted to do. So you knocked on the door and hoped for the best, whatever came out, came out. You nervously shifted your weight from one foot to the other as you waited for the door to open, tears forming in your eyes as your emotions overwhelmed you.

Your heart sank when a blonde woman opened the door… so it had been the wrong address… you knew Robyn wouldn’t be in Iowa. You sighed as you tried your best to form a coherent sentence when the woman shot you a confused and questioning look.

“Sorry, I’m looking for someone but seem to have the wrong address…”

Your voice shook a little as your heart still hammered inside your chest, disappointment beginning to settle deep into your bones. You hadn’t realised how much you had looked forward to seeing her again till the possibility had been ripped from you once more.

“Oh. Who are you looking for? Maybe I can help, I know most people in the neighbourhood.”

You doubted she could, you were quite sure Robyn wasn’t here, but the woman sounded so kind and sweet and eager to help that you couldn’t bring yourself to just dismiss her.

“That’s very kind of you but I’m not sure if you’ll know her… I’m not even sure she’s here… I mean this doesn’t really seem like the kind of place Robyn-”

Before you could even finish your sentence a familiar voice reached your ears, your heart plummeting even further, the words being stolen out of your mouth. You tried your best to stop the tears from streaming down your face as your heart shattered.

“Sharon? Who is it?!”

There was no mistaking it… that was Robyn… your Robyn… what was she doing here, living with another woman?! Had she left you for her? Was that why she had disappeared without another word? How would she have even met this Sharon? You spent every second of every day together, before she left. Or maybe she had just moved on already? Maybe they had met, instantly clicked, and had moved in together in the span of months… it seemed unlikely but then again, nothing about this entire situation made sense.

You tried your best to keep the rising jealousy at bay. Did you even have a right to be jealous? Technically Robyn had never broken up with you… but her actions had spoken louder than words. The world around you ceased to matter as everything crumbled around you, you had so many new questions and you weren’t sure you still wanted the answers.

You saw Sharon’s mouth move, presumably to answer Robyn’s question, but your thoughts were too loud for you to be able to focus on what she was saying. Before you even fully registered what was happening, Robyn appeared in the doorway, and your hammering heart and racing thoughts stopped for a split second, as reality came crashing down on you. Your mouth moved before your brain caught up to it, your voice sounded strange to your own ears, you sounded cold, almost indifferent, as if you weren’t dying inside.

“I never found those clay figures.”

[droughtofapathy]

"Back to Before" Ranking (part one)

Well, @turtle-down wanted my ranking for the masterpiece that is "Back to Before," so here she is boys, here she is world. (in two parts because, uh, I hit the character limit)

10. Maria Friedman Oh. Yikes. Maybe it’s just this performance, but what the fuck is she doing? What is this choppy pacing and baffling phrasing? Oh no. Oh god, no. Make it stop. What the fuck? Why is it so staccato? Her chin is so far forward. There’s no power behind that belt. I need to leave right now.

9. Caissie Levy She was one of the weakest parts of the NYCC Ragtime gala for me. But this is just about her “Back to Before,” and not her lack of classical training to really pull off the legit soprano songs. For this song in particular, it just doesn’t resonate. There’s a significant amount of straining going on, and you could physically see her fighting for her life on that stage. The crescendo and climax is especially rough, and I just can’t listen to it.

8. Teal Wicks See, I actually think she’s doing too much emoting. So many of the notes sound really nice, but it’s just a little too over-acted for me. She’s sort of stumbling around the stage, and just putting a little more into it than I like to see with Mother. It’s a hard line, conveying the heartbreak and conviction without fully dissolving. There has to be a spine of steel behind it. If I were just listening, I’d be fine with it, I guess. It’s a strong vocal showcase. And she’s got Marin’s mouth.

7. Lea Salonga She starts off with a very bright tone, emphasizing the Rs. Lea’s voice has become richer and more mature in the last decade, so I would love to hear her sing this now. For the 2010s that I’m watching now, it’s good. But it’s not yet her at her full Mother strength. I don’t get the raw power here, especially on the climax. On a side note: I…don’t like the concept of a not-white Mother. It goes against the point of the whole character. And it has these complicated layers of saying that Asian is basically white because it’s not black, and I don’t love that. But I digress.  

6. Elizabeth Stanley I don’t have a performance from the actual production on hand, but I’ve seen her do this song live. And she has a very clear and pure tone to start. There are definite notes of having a strong vocal training. But I don’t know what it is about her cadence and tone that reminds me of Julie Andrews. It’s a great performance. There’s nothing wrong with it, really. There’s not as much power in the climax as others though. And at least from the cabaret performance I saw, she held that money note for a little too long and then sort of deflated on the tone of the final line. It was a sharp contrast to the beautiful start.

[galaxyspeaking]

Why can’t we just stay right here?

[batcavescolony]

Katniss is such an unreliable narrator. She says "Then something unexpected happens. At least, I don't expect it because I don't think of District 12 as a place that cares about me" girl you deliver strawberries to the Mayor, you hunt and trade for the district, when you fell at Prim being chosen someone caught you, when you went to Prim people parted for you, when you volunteered EVERYONE stopped. Idk how to tell you but I think you're a pillar of the community.

[myfootyrthroat]

I'm sorry, but I'm just too fucking old to pretend that the presidential ticket of "Person who performed some of the first gay marriages in her state while it was still federally illegal" and "governor who created a trans refuge state while other states were making it illegal to transition" is somehow 'jUsT aS bAd foR QuEer pEopLe' as the ticket promising to reverse marriage equality and make trans healthcare next to impossible.

That is such a monumentally stupid opinion that I'm going to have a hard time believing that you're actually that stupid, and I'll probably just assume you're malicious.

[salamispots]

it got turned into a 17" x14" pillow instead haha

[nyenyel]

Putting Mabel through that straight to bi to aromantic pipeline

[wishfulsketching]

I have finally finished season 2 of Arcane and can now enjoy your art without fear!!! They should be happy together 🥺

I take it "they" means zaundads because that is what I've been drawing the most BUT, lets be honest, applies to like 98% of the characters in the show.

They should've been a big happy familyyyy

[demaparbat-hp]

Existential Nihilism Squad™

[liliasenbyhusband]

Back To Before

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Robyn (the roommate) x reader

Warnings: 18+ MDNI, mentions of smoking weed, mentions of regular smoking, mentions of past smut and I think that’s it

Tags: Ansgt, so much angst, hurt/no comfort (the comfort will be here eventually… just not yet…), a few explanations to previous unanswered questions, so much flawed logic, Sharon being Sharon

Summary: Robyn didn’t want to leave, but she had no choice, she had to keep you safe.

Notes: The next chapter may take a while because life is busy at the moment. But so many of you asked for the next chapter, and I couldn’t keep y’all waiting any longer.

The biggest thank you to @imorynn, whose comments continue to make my days and inspire me to continue writing 🙂‍↕️🫂💕

Words: ~3.9K

Chapter 1 | Chapter 3

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Chapter 2: ‘A princess asleep and enchanted’

Robyn’s fingers traced the blue velvet box, tears welling up in her eyes as she stared at the ring inside, it was the last item she needed to pack away, the last item that still tied her to you, the only reminder of you she would take with her. She knew you would have loved the ring, once upon a time she had spent weeks looking for the perfect one… that was before… before her world had come crashing down. She had often imagined your reaction to her proposal, how you might tear up, the look of disbelief that might flicker in those beautiful eyes of yours, the way she hoped you would say yes and jump into her arms.

A couple of tears made their way past her defenses, she angrily closed the box before carefully placing it in her suitcase. She had thought about stealing one of your oversized shirts, so she could take it with her, have something of yours to wear when she slept, but in the end she had decided against it, it would only make things more difficult for herself.

Robyn inhaled a shaky breath as she looked around the apartment one last time, taking in every single detail, storing away the memories those details brought to the forefront of her mind, so she could replay them later. She forced herself out of the door, everything but her suitcase had already been waiting for her in her car.

Never in her life had she hurried like that, throwing every little thing that belonged to her in a cardboard box, packing her suitcase in record time and cramming it all in her car. She had no choice, she needed to be gone before you came back home, which could be any time now.

As she placed her suitcase in the trunk she saw the clay figures she had asked you to find. She had to admit she felt guilty for sending you on an impossible mission, but she had to make sure you would stay away as long as possible, and knowing you, you would spend ages searching, not wanting to return to Robyn empty handed.

A sob forced its way past her lips, her resolve nearly faltered, she almost decided to stay, to unpack her car and carry everything back upstairs, but she couldn’t, she loved you, she loved you so much that it almost scared her. Her devotion to you knew no limits, she would do anything for you, and she really did mean anything, no matter how much it hurt her… no matter how much she knew it would hurt you.

She had to protect you, protect you from her past finally catching up to her and coming back to haunt the both of you, protect you from the consequences of your actions in the present. Robyn had lost count of the many different fake driver licenses she had owned and the many different identities she had held. She had outran the cops many times, while hiding in plain sight. She had never been caught, managing to outsmart them every time.

But they were getting dangerously close to her and her luck was bound to run out some time, more importantly they were getting close to you, far too close for her liking. One of her connections had come to her, and had told her that the cops had started to link some of her schemes to her. And now they were looking for her accomplice, and according to him they were getting dangerously close to figuring out it was you, so she had decided to leave, to make sure they never knew your name, to keep you safe, to protect you from it all.

Robyn could handle facing the consequences of her actions, she knew the dangers before she had started her little schemes, but what she couldn’t handle was the thought of you behind bars, your future thrown away just like that, no, that would be unbearable. So she had made her choice and now it was time to follow through.

She wasn’t proud of the way she was leaving, without a word, without an explanation, she couldn’t imagine the hurt you would feel once you came home. A sudden wave of nausea hit her when she thought of your face as you walked into the apartment, anything that had ever belonged to Robyn gone, along with Robyn herself. Another sob broke free and for a second time she nearly faltered, ran back in, told herself she could find a different way to solve this problem. But then the rational part of her brain kicked in and she knew it was too risky, and she wasn’t willing to jeopardise your safety and future like that.

Robyn knew this was the only way she could protect you. She knew that if she told you she was leaving you to protect you, to ensure that you had a future, you would protest, she could already picture it. The way you’d square your shoulders, take her hands in yours and tell her that you could find a way out of this together, that a future without her wasn’t a future you wanted, or something sappy like that. She knew you well enough to know that you’d beg her to stay, and she knew herself well enough to know she would fold after the first plea left your lips.

So she had to vanish, like a thief in the night, disappear without a word, without a note, for your own good, she repeatedly told herself, as she stepped into the car with a heavy heart, the nausea intensifying as she turned on the engine and drove away. She looked into the rearview mirror one last time, catching a glimpse of your building, before trying her best to focus on the road ahead, her unshed tears blurring her vision.

Her mind didn’t stand still for the entire drive, replaying the last day she had spent with you over and over again. She didn’t fight it, her memory was the only place she could be close to you now, so she let it overtake her, consume her fully, as she drove further away from you.

She had awoken before you, like she often did, her heart ached as she looked down at you in her arms, sleeping soundly, so blissfully unaware of the ache settling in her chest. She memorised every little detail she could, the way your face looked so relaxed when you slept, the way your hair was still a mess from last night’s activities, the way your hands clung to her waist as if she were your only anchor to this world, the hickeys that adorned your skin, some new, some fading. A pang of guilt surged through her chest, perhaps she shouldn’t have left new ones… they’d serve as painful reminders of her absence later.

Robyn reluctantly got up to make coffee, she knew she had to act like she would every other day, despite wanting nothing more than to spend the rest of the day cuddled up to you in bed, memorising every little detail about you, how you feel, how you taste, what you look like when she holds you. But she couldn’t risk you getting suspicious, wondering why she was acting differently all of a sudden… no this had to be just like every other day if she wanted to successfully keep you safe.

So she made you coffee for the last time ever, acting like she would get to do this a hundred times more, a deep ache settling into her heart as she fought the urge to let her kiss linger when she woke you up. She fought the urge to memorise your sleepy face as you clung onto the cup of coffee like it was your lifeline. She had to hold back randomly telling you how much she loved you, how you had made her life so much better, her voice would surely betray her.

Robyn played the same music she usually would when you began preparing breakfast, she acted the same as she usually would, singing along, teasing you, stealing kisses, when in reality she just wanted to sit down and watch you, store away every little detail she could, so she could later replay it in her head with perfect accuracy.

She had had to hold back a sad chuckle when both of you had ended up on the couch once more, it had almost become a ritual at this point. Every day off you would drag her to the couch, plop down, put your head in her lap, and you would just enjoy each other’s company. Sometimes you’d ramble about your dreams or your future plans, other times you’d just silently admire her, more often than not these moments ended with someone’s face between the other ones thighs.

She had played with your hair just the way you liked it, hoping to commit every content sound you made to memory, without giving anything away. She watched you get lost in thoughts as you studied her face, your thoughts clearly taking a hornier turn as your pupils began to dilate.

It was time, she knew she needed to act now or she wouldn’t leave, you’d start sweet talking her or you’d drag her to the bedroom and she’d be unable to resist you, she never could. So she cleared her throat and began to speak the words she had rehearsed in her head. The conversation went exactly how she thought it would, which caused the dagger that she had planted in her own chest to be twisted once more, as it was a reminder of how well she knew you, of how you had become a part of her, which she was now ripping out and leaving behind.

“I love you” maybe it had been cruel to make those her last words to you, but they had been the only truthful ones in that conversation and she couldn’t bear to have the last thing she ever said to you be a lie.

The drive would take over 16 hours, if you had been there she might have tried to drive the whole way in one go, but you weren’t… you’d never sit in her passenger seat again. Robyn’s mind continued to drift to you, so she decided to stop in some random motel, about halfway through.

It was dark when she finally walked into the motel room, you would have made her go outside to look at the stars together, and she would have compared your beauty to the ethereal beauty of the moon. Robyn closed the blinds, blocking any light from the stars and moon, they had lost their meaning, they were nothing but painful reminders of what she had left behind. She could go back, step in the car right now and drive for 10 hours straight, go back home to you. She could end this torture right now, it had been crafted by her own hands after all.

But could she really claim she loved you if she put your life and future in constant danger, purely for selfish reasons? You would risk it all for her, she knew you would, but she couldn’t let you, she loved you too much. So she would handle it, she would bear this pain, would carry around this dagger in her chest for the rest of her life, because it meant you got to be safe, and that was more important to her than anything else.

A nasty little voice asked her if it was more important than your happiness, if she was right in taking away the choice from you? But she told herself you’d get over it, you’d find happiness again, you would move on from her. You would probably hate her for the rest of your life, that thought was like a kick to the chest, pushing the dagger deeper, knocking the wind out of her. Not that she could blame you after what she had done, leaving just like that, with no reason, no explanation… she could only imagine the pain you were going through right now.

But maybe this was better, staying blissfully ignorant, being able to put the entire blame on her, being able to freely hate Robyn for her despicable actions, it might make moving on easier, or that’s what she hoped…for you.

She couldn’t help but wonder what you were doing right now, how you were feeling, if you were cursing her name or begging her to come back. She had no idea how you would react to her absence, she had thought of many different possible scenarios, but you had never had to deal with her absence before, so she had no point of reference.

Curiosity got the better of her and she turned on her phone. She had turned it off before leaving, not wanting to be tempted to check it while she drove, knowing it would take one or two pleading messages for her to turn the car around and drive back home. She knew this was a bad idea, her resolve was already wavering, but not knowing was eating her alive, so she read every single message you had left and listened to every single voice mail. A sob escaped her lips when she heard your voice, you sounded so scared, so hurt, so confused as you begged her to come home, to give you a chance to make everything right. She wanted to reach out through the phone and comfort you, hold you close and tell you this was for the best.

Robyn wanted to save every single voice mail, give herself something to listen to when she needed to hear your voice, even though you sounded heartbroken in every single one, it would still be better than not hearing your voice at all and slowly forgetting what you sound like. But when she found herself getting up and grabbing her keys as she read your pleading messages, begging her to come back, to give an explanation, questioning her if she still loved you, if she had ever loved you, she knew she had to delete them and had to block your number.

It took every ounce of self control to put down her keys, lay back down on the bed and block your number. The last message she received was you telling her you loved her and wanted her to come home, even if it was just for one night, so you could say goodbye. You had no idea how badly she wanted to, and you would never find out, she would make sure of that.

Because if she needed to make you hate her so you could move on and be safe, then she would. She would be the bad guy, the villain, as long as you were protected, it didn’t matter. The fact that her heart clenched at the thought of you hating her, despising her, never wanting to see her again, was irrelevant, as long as you could be happy, as long as you had a future.

Robyn tossed and turned the entire night, she hadn’t slept alone in such a long time, she was used to either having you in her arms, or having your arms around her, this felt wrong… was wrong. When sleep did finally claim her, it wasn’t restful. Your broken voice haunted her dreams, along with your beautiful face, contorted by the pain that she had inflicted upon you. That pain slowly turned into anger and then hatred, your eyes no longer holding that spark, growing colder the longer the dreams went on.

When she finally arrived in Iowa City, she was utterly exhausted, her mind hadn’t stopped reeling, as she recalled the way you had so happily said ‘I love you too’, the eagerness with which you had left, the promise of being rewarded for your efforts clearly motivating you, the way your lips had felt against hers, one last time. The ache in her chest had grown steadily, the further she drove away from home, the more her heart bled.

Sharon had welcomed her, helped her unload the car, and started some small talk. She was kind and clearly wanted Robyn to feel welcome, and Robyn had tried her best to answer with the same gentleness, but her heart felt raw and empty, and her body begged her to lay down and rest.

The weeks passed by excruciatingly slowly, she was far too aware of every moment, nothing seemed to be able to give her any escape, any relief from the constant ache in her chest. She had started smoking twice as much, you would undoubtedly scold her for it, it brought her no solace though. She once got high with Sharon, hoping to quiet her mind that way, and though the entire affair had been quite funny, it had only highlighted your missing presence. You should have been there, laughing with her, sharing stories with her, being horrified at Sharon’s weird music, and dancing with her to her own.

Everything reminded her of you, every night her mind brought up every memory it could get its hands on, twisting the dagger as she relived them in her dreams, only to wake up in an empty bed, without you by her side.

Some days Robyn welcomed these memories, getting to be in your arms again, hearing you say her name again, being enveloped in your scent once more. Those days she would relish in the ache you left behind, it was the last thing that connected her to you and for that she cherished it, let it consume her whole as she let time crawl by, second by second.

Other days it was too much, too excruciating to know that she would never get to experience any of those things again, she would never be the reason for your laugh again, she wouldn’t get to kiss your soft lips ever again, and she would never see your cheeks flush again. She spent those days trying any and everything to pass the time, hoping it would speed up, but it only seemed to slow down even more.

It was on one of those days that Sharon had found out about her being a conwoman, and no matter how hard Robyn tried, Sharon wouldn’t drop the subject, she insisted she could help her scam people. So Robyn had reluctantly agreed to pull off a scam or two with her, hoping it would take her mind off of you, hoping time might stop feeling like her personal enemy, slowing down just to torture her.

She had to admit it had been nice for a short while, getting to see Sharon, who by now had become her friend, finally let loose, finally let herself have fun. But it was a poor substitute for the cons you pulled off with her, although they were friends, Sharon didn’t understand her in the way you did, she couldn’t read her the way you could. It became a painful reminder of what she had left behind, of who she had abandoned, of the ring upstairs that she would never get to place on your finger.

Yet the cons continued, for Sharon they were a way to reclaim her life, for Robyn a way to try and deal with the open wound in her chest… or well if she was honest, a way to make that wound worse, partly because she felt like she deserved it after hurting you, and partly because the ache connected her to you. She was terrified of the ache lessening, even just a little, fearing it would get rid of the last thing that tied her to you, she couldn’t bear that thought.

One evening Sharon and her were preparing one of their newest scams when a knock on the door halted their conversation. Robyn’s heart skipped a beat, no one visited Sharon this late. Had her cons finally caught up to her? Would this be proof that she had done the right thing by leaving you? Robyn’s mind was racing, she barely registered Sharon opening the door. When Sharon didn’t immediately invite the mystery person at the door inside, Robyn raised her voice and asked Sharon who was at the door.

“Someone who’s looking for you!”

Her cheerful voice rang through the house and Robyn’s heart dropped, that definitely didn’t sound good. Sharon probably didn’t realise what was happening, she did tend to be a bit naive and too trusting sometimes. She walked over to the door, they already knew she was there now anyway, there was no point in delaying the inevitable, perhaps she could bullshit her way out of this? With a bit of luck it was a newbie cop… or an easily bought one.

When her eyes landed on you her world started spinning, you shouldn’t be here, you shouldn’t even know she was here… and yet she couldn’t stop the joy that spread through her when she saw your face again. That joy quickly disappeared when she saw the many emotions whirling behind your eyes, there were so many and they all flashed by so quickly, it was impossible to pinpoint them all. But there were two unmistakable feelings there, anger and sadness.

That felt like a slap to the face, you had never looked at her with such anger, such venom, as if the mere sight of her offended you. And seeing you in pain, seeing you so broken and sad, well she preferred the anger, it hurt less than knowing that she was the reason for so much agony, instead of being the solution to it.

A second slap to the face followed shortly when she heard the coldness in your voice. She had expected you to yell at her, cuss her out, or for you to start crying, sobbing, asking her how she could do this to you. She would have preferred those options, then she would have been sure that there was at least some love for her left in your heart. Now there was only agony, anger and bitterness, three emotions she rarely saw on you, and she definitely had never been the cause of them before.

Robyn couldn’t come up with a clever retort, she couldn’t come up with any words, which only seemed to annoy you even more. Having your eyes on her once more, after thinking she never would again, was overwhelming, so many emotions flooded her and she couldn’t hold any of them back, and she couldn’t hide them either. You seemed to be studying her, trying to read her, trying to figure her out, trying to find a solution to this mystery. And Robyn, Robyn was willing herself to say something, anything, whether it be sending you away or inviting you inside and begging for forgiveness, it no longer mattered, she just begged herself to say anything.

The awkward silence stretched on for what felt like forever, until Sharon cleared her throat and invited you inside, clearly confused by what the hell was going on. You didn’t look away from her as Sharon talked, as if trying to figure out what the right answer to that invitation was. Even now you still looked to Robyn for answers, which finally gave her the courage to speak up, albeit uncharacteristically weakly, her voice shaking, as she forced the words out.

“I.. did… promise you an explanation once you got back so… come inside.”

[humming-fly]

I love how Gerald was trying to keep Shadow from spoiling anything about the future meanwhile literally everything Shadow says and does around Maria is the biggest death flag ever

[dimeadozencows]

My personal understanding of the situation

[heph]

The tech guy in movies

[eydilily]

you just got to survive

[ghost-nunya]

big fan of this funky lil asteroid, sure hope it doesn't ruin some random guy's life over and over again!