#basically everything this guy's done for the past eight (+ ?) years has been bc of rion

[homolobotomized]

such a big fan of this page. nagumo's text emboldened, yotsumura's expression,, "shaddup ab why im keeping this dude who has no chance of recovery (barely) alive. let's talk ab the reason im keeping this dude who has no chance of recovery (barely) alive",,, good shit

[blacklegsanjiii]

Thought of a au to add more trauma for Sanji, Law and Robin :) basically the RLS!siblings au

So, after Cora dies, Law ends up finding Robin who decides to help this teenager and they stay together, until they also find a freesly free from the dunsheon Sanji. Both help Sanji and with time, all of them start to feel like siblings.

This is, until a storm happens, separating the 3 of them. After this, things go like the story: Robin joins Baroque Works, Law starts the Heart Pirates and Sanji meet Zeff. But in their minds, they always suffer bc of what happened.

Years later, Sanji joins the StrawHats and him and Luffy start dating short before entering the Grand Line. Then Alabasta happens and Sanji remeet his sister (both are crying when they finally have the chance to be alone). Then Water 7 with Sanji having a damn crisis. Then everything goes until Marineford, where Law helps to save Ace since he is the old brother of his little brother boyfriend's. Punk Hazard where both R and S are relivied to see Law. Dressrosa where Robin and Law can talk again.

And then WCI, who Robin joins bc fuck it, her little brother helped her so much during Water 7 and she's NOT letting him stay with the same fucking people who made all the wounds and scars she saw in the past. After all this, all the 3 of them finally are able to be together again after the battle in Wano (with a Luffy wanting affection from his boyfriend after the fight, of course)

Sure, more trauma, it's fine. (They are barely holding it together fam.) This is very long so there is a cut!

Like 13 year old Law finds 17 year old Robin and they're staring at each other with a lot of distrust. Law is still really fresh off losing Corazon, it's been like two weeks, maybe. Then they find out they both have fruits and train with each other. Especially given their professions it's very helpful. So they travel together and train, stay out of eyesight from the government and the Donquixote family.

Then they find a child in a metal helmet. Law shambles it off the kid and they start checking him over because what the fuck? The kid is fucked up and they find out his name is Sanji and he's eight. Law and Robin take him along and start the Heart Pirates with Shachi, Bepo, and Penguin. The captain is the spotted kid in the spotted hat and the polar bear is the first mate as Sanji is the chef and Robin is the archeologist. Law tells them about Cora-san and how he wants his revenge, Sanji tells them about the All Blue in all the childlike wonder he can muster, Robin talks about the poneglyphs and reading them.

It's before anyone else gets bounties so it's just Robin who has one when the storm hits a couple years later sending them all adrift. Law manages to stay with Bepo, Shachi, and Penguin but his brother and sister are gone. They're gone and he can't stop crying. Law thought he was done losing family. Robin who lost her second family and heaves sobs before she wipes her face and looks ahead. She only allows herself a short time to mourn. Sanji is just numb, he's been abandoned before, he thought it would happen again. He cries when he feels something other than the numbness, the deep bone settled hurt that sometimes comes to the surface. Then he starves with some old guy on a rock.

Sanji doesn't get Law's number in this. Sanji thinks they're dead and they think he's dead too. So when he joins the Strawhat Pirates as the cook and starts dating the captain he just goes along with whatever hair brained scheme they have going for them. When he sees Robin for the first time they both do a double take because they're not dead and they're seeing each other. Law's bounty has been out for a while so they know about him but each other? They ran into each other? And they're fighting? Sure. Checks out for both of them honestly.

Also when Crocodile falls for the Mr. Prince thing Robin is giggling to herself, and when he falls to her baby brother and his crew? Amazing. She has joy in her heart for the first time in a long time, to see Sanji alive and trying to love. Once they have a moment alone they catch up and Robin looks at the smoking man who shrugs and looks back. She nods and that's that. They're alive and together.

After the Buster Call in Enies Lobby and Sanji pulling Robin aside and is just begging to not lose her again and she nods and apologizes. Luffy finds them later curled up after they said goodbye to Merry and are waiting on the Sunny. He joins them and feels the arm of his boyfriend and his sister hold him close as they sleep. When they get to Sabaody they see Law for the first time. They don't even get to talk really as everything happens.

Law might have a giant on his crew now but his siblings are dead.

Again.

Then he sees his siblings' captain claim Fire Fist as his brother with an army of Impel Down escapees. He knows the pain of losing siblings, many times over(Lami, Baby 5, Robin and Sanji twice over now) so he saves them. Barely, but he does. They are dropped off respectively to whoever is in charge of them. Law has a few revenge plots to settle and they'll only hinder him.

Robin and Sanji are able to meet up thanks to them both training under Revolutionaries. They don't even talk about the fact Sanji is cross dressing, the only thing they're talking about is seeing the crew again. And how much they've probably traumatized Law by "dying" again.

Of course when the crew reunites Luffy is over the moon to see his boyfriend. Nobody other than Luffy knows Robin and Sanji are siblings. Ace is there and amused by his brother's behavior with the cook. Ace goes to give Sanji a shovel talk but Robin says not to worry and that was covered ages ago. Zoro gives Ace a thumbs up which concerns him. They do their business on Fishman Island and head to Punk Hazard on Luffy's whim.

Of course the crew is split up and Law doesn't even hesitate to switch the bodies of whoever else is on Punk Hazard. Then he finds out it's the Strawhats and he may have just switched his baby brother into the cat burglar's body. Robin is acting like she doesn't know him outside of the news, which is fair, and he acts the same to the crew. Of course after all is said and done and he's unfortunately informed of how Straw Hat does alliances does really believe that Sanji fought Vergo and only suffered a broken leg, a building fell on his body at some point, Robin knows Fishman karate and they are not dead.

Again.

Law is very tired and very stressed.

And they don't even get to talk about it all that much because there's never a moment of just the three of them. It's annoying. Either a crew member, that samurai,or the kid, or the painter guy, or Caesar are within ear shot and he wants to throttle almost everyone. Then they arrive in Dressrosa and it kind of all goes to shit. Well not kind of, it just does. Law is going to fucking kill(almost) all of them if Doffy doesn't first. Listen, Law doesn't get how Sanji got to where he is physically, he'll figure that out later, but for now the cook needs to go and take Caesar to Zou!

Everything ends up fine. Sure he cut off his arm but he's fine, it's fine, they're heading to Zou after Ace and Luffy's other apparent brother is there, and alive. That's something they have in common Law guesses as they rest for the night and make their escape in the morning. Law is a control freak to the maximum extent so he's ready to get to Zou, see his crew and spend time with his family before they go after Kaido. Except Sanji's poster says only alive and the look he and Robin share is not a good one.

Of course Zou is a wreck because nothing is ever easy and Luffy is off doing something and Ace is chasing him. The Strawhats find out first Sanji was kidnapped first. Law is explaining to his crew that they can't like they're seeing long lost family because the Strawhats don't know. The Strawhats are dealing with finding out Sanji is gone. When they inform the Heart Crew of the plan to get Sanji, Robin and Law share another look as they depart. No one catches it. Not even Luffy. Law is engulfed in Bepo's arms as he shakes because he just got them back and they haven't been able to be together. Shachi and Penguin are looking ahead with a slight dissociation because they haven't been able to see them and talk to them as well. It sucks.

Robin goes with the rescue team and finds Sanji with the golden cuffs in the chariot. Held hostage by the same people who put him in that God awful helmet Law had to shambles off when he was eight. Robin is furious but not as furious as Luffy who is taking all the hits from his boyfriend without fighting back. Robin notes everything going on and when Sanji delivers food to Luffy and tries to fully leave the crew, Luffy is Luffy though. So a plan is devised to save them even as Robin gives the blond a look of disagreement. After all is said and done and they're leaving with Jinbei who has come to help. Robin threatens Judge for Law and her both when he's done belittling her brother for all of the good things about him.

When they make it to Wano and see everyone, Luffy immediately goes to fight Kaido much to everyone's exasperation. Law, Robin, and Sanji keep exchanging looks because they can't pin down time to talk to each other. Too much going on and Sanji feels responsible for Pedro's death and everything being behind schedule. Sanji uses his raid suit and Law is fucking losing his mind because what the fuck did he miss as he realizes where Sanji came from. Law knows he and Robin know these comics, they had read them before the storm separated them and Sanji did not like them. So that clicks in for Law like the Doflamingo bit clicked for them years ago.

After the raid, when Sanji is finally able to be pinned down after stressing about cooking the three of them manage to sit and talk. Of course it's not even ten minutes into the conversation that Luffy bursts in, yelling for Sanji. Law sets a room but Robin puts a hand on his and smiles at him sweetly as Luffy sits on Sanji's lap and then looks at them.

"No, no, we are not doing this with him." Law glowers.

"Ah, but we just started talking about my life after the storm." Robin grins at him as Law huffs. They catch up and Luffy, surprisingly, quietly listens as the three catch up. None of them are smiling necessarily, they have these half twitches sort of dragging the corners of their mouths. Even about Enies Lobby and Germa and Dressrosa they share things. Sabaody from Law's perspective is shocking, as is Marineford. Law asks if it's possible to go kill Judge with a thing and Robin laughs and assures the elder captain that the peace pact only applied to the Strawhat crew, so the Heart crew could absolutely go beat Judge to death with 'it' as Sanji sighs as Luffy starts whining about not being allowed to.

When they go find the crews Law tells his to 'have at them' as Bepo pulls Sanji and Robin close and holds them up and coos as Shachi and Penguin wrap their arms around them as others start asking questions. Newer Heart members who have only heard about them in passing and didn't understand why Law had their posters as the Strawhats just ask Luffy what's going on.

"Oh yeah, turns out Sanji and Robin are Law's brother and sister and were his first crew members until they got separated." Luffy shrugs.

"Are they leaving the crew?" Usopp asks in despair.

"Nah, they already tried that remember?" Luffy reminds him.

"I had every intent to get back." Sanji defends himself.

"That makes a lot of sense." Zoro says like he hadn't heard Sanji.

"You're dead, shitty moss." Sanji growls.

"I want a pelt of Bepo's fur to lay on forever." Robin hums as she burrows into the mink.

"I love you too, Robin." Bepo cheers.

"What about us?" Shachi and Penguin whine.

"Human pelts are good for books." Sanji answers. "I could make you both into cookbooks."

"All three of you are so creepy!" Ikkaku yells at them.

"You should have seen us when it was just us three." Law shrugs as the Strawhats start asking questions.

[ziracona]

How many people were tested just for others anyway? Gordon's wife and daughter, Daniel (the wiki says it was also for shoplifting but he was 16 so I call bs), literally everyone except Lynn and her husband in Saw III, and my memory past 3 is fuzzy but that one lying author's wife comes straight to mind. They weren't being tested for whatever John pretended his survival of the fittest policy was they were terrorized tortured and/or killed for basically nothing but the pain of the target.

Anon you’re so valid TuT 

ITS TRUE AND WE SHOULD ALL SAY IT!!! Also, I wrote this little part last, bc I just wanted to give fair warning that I went blind into a rage and wrote threethousand words about how much I hate John Kramer, full of very terrible language and spoilers for Saw 1-6, because I go that fucking feral at the sound of his name, and I can’t make everyone scroll past that so I’m putting most of it under the cut, but even if you decide you justifiably fear that rant and don’t read it, just know you are incredibly valid, and John can eat shit and die. Rant start:

John did that bullshit constantly! He would over and over put 1 (one) man he personally wanted to watch suffer on trial and sacrifice /scores/ of people for no reason. No trap, no way to escape, at someone else’s mercy completely or maybe with 0 chance even there bc JOHN KRAMER IS A SACK OF SHIT. 

He kills a house full of drug addicts in two, mostly just bc his wife worked w drug addicts and John hates drug addicts, and even though Amanda was in their literal exact same position she does jack shit to stop him and just watches people slowly have their organs deteriorate and start coughing up blood around her!! Including fucking Daniel! Who got an antidote but like, at the 11th hour. Do y’all even understand how biology works John and CO??? If you neutralize a poison after it has deteriorated parts of organs it might save your life but itS NOT A FUCKING HEALTH POTION. Poor Daniel Matthews probably will only live to be like forty tops if he’s super lucky because of that. And he did NOTHING!!! He had shoplifted bc he was going through a teen phase but he’s like sixteen! Everyone was dumb as shit as a teenager, and most people shoplift at some point in their life! It does not earn you slow deterioration of your organs! Poor kid not only watched a man burned to death in an oven, dude have his brains blown out, girl die of prolonged organ failure, and more shit, he himself /killed/ a man as a sixteen year old child to save Amanda Young because he’s got a good heart and is a good person, and that shit is awful! It’s traumatic to kill someone at any age, but as a teenager? And then he got knocked out by her and thrown in a tiny locked safe, tied up and gagged, and kept alive by an oxygen tank in an enclosed space after that massive trauma for or AT LEAST 24 HOURS ! He did NOTHING. It was all just a long-con sacrifice to get Eric Matthews to a specific location. Eric did some real shit, but god, even after everything Daniel did for Amanda and all John’s talk of innocents, neither of them ever even tell Eric he lived! Amanda just locks him up, fights, beats him to she thinks death, and then John keeps him locked up and isolated in a cell for months, only to make him choke himself slowly in a test he doesn’t actually get to participate in to keep a friend from being electrocuted. It’s all kinds of fucked.

Even Jeff did nothing worse than be depressed and obsessive and unavailable to his kid, all Lynn did was have a boyfriend after she and he separated (and tbh the only reason John took her was bc he wanted a doctor and hated her for being one of the docs who told him he had cancer bc John is a pettyass hypocritical stupid sack of shit!) I’m VIBRATING with hatred. Lynn was just a pawn in Amanda’s test! It never mattered if she kept John alive! It only mattered if Amanda decided to fucking shoot her!!! She did her task and died and JOHN KNEW THERE WAS A HIGH PROBABILITY AMANDA WOULD KILL HER AND DID NOTHING TO STOP IT BC JOHN CARES ABOUT NO ONE BUT HIMSELF THE FUCKING WORTHLESS LITTLE WORM. 

And the other victims in 3 are a poor college student who ran over someone on accident and feels massive guilt already and served jail time for it who gets his fucking limbs and then head all twisted off while begging for his life because JOHN KRAMER IS A PIECE OF SHIT AND SO IS JEFF TBH. BUT NOT AS BIG OF ONE. The poor girl who is stung up naked in a freezer and sprayed repeatedly with water till she is encased in ice and dead literally just saw the hit and run and ran away bc she was scared!!! Not to mention Jeff’s other kid who gets kidnapped and locked up as collateral! Even if she’s not hurt that’s FUCKING TRAUMATIZING FOR A YOUNG CHILD. And Allison Kerry did nothing wrong! Amanda kills her in the Angel trap literally just bc she’s investigating them! When he targets a detective John’s always like “Ho ho he, I am putting you on trial bc you are obsessed with your work”  LIKE, BITCH NO SHE FUCKIN AINT SHE DOIN HER GODDAMN JOB AND U DON”T WANT TO GET CAUGHT YOU STUPID FUCKING WHORE I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH THAT JUST LOOKING AT YOUR FACE CAUSES ME TO PRODUCE SO MUCH EXCESS EPINEPHRINE I COULD BOTTLE IT AND SAVE IT FOR LATER. I swear to god, if I had a grenade and I was in the room trapped with a still breathing John Kramer, I would kill pull the pin and take us both! FUCK I would pull the pin and then french kiss the grenade as thanks for letting me see that sack of shit go right to hell!

I don’t remember all of four bc it was really terrible, so I don’t have a lot of thoughts there except woof, but there was a lot of bullshit. Like John’s lawyer who did nothing but try to talk to him about finances enough it pissed John off got kidnapped, won his first game, and then got kidnapped again BC THAT SHIT HEAD SURE NEVER KEEPS EVEN HIS OWN GODDAMNED WORD and was made pawn in the game and then shot bc he didn’t have a chance to save himsefl!!! 

In Saw one, also, again, Adam was never being tested. He was just a pawn too. It was Gordon who got to decide to kill him or not, and ADAM LIVED TO SIX OR WHENEVER THE FUCK THE TIME WAS AND JOHN STILL LEFT HIM TO DIE BECAUSE HE”S A HYPOCRITICAL PIECE OF SHIT!!!! And he’s not interesting enough for Johns MASSIVE brainshlong that obviously is so full of right ideas and enlightenment you MICROPENISEDtrulyIDIOTIC self-centered human garbage!  He only took Adam at all bc he was there! He said the reason was Adam was pathetic! ADAM WAS DOING HIS BEST YOU CRUSTY ASS RED ROBED TURTLE LOOKIN MOTHERFUCKER. He was a freelance photographer in New Jersey in his early 20s during an economic collapse, and still nice enough to be taking care of stray cats you FUCKING sack of dogshit! 

And Gordon? All he did was tell John he had cancer! He was cheating on his wife too, but like, the reason John picked him was that!!! HE THOUGHT!! GORDON SOUNDED TOO COLD WHEN HE TOLD HIM HE HAD CANCER I FUCKING HATE JOHN KRAMER SO MUCH. John Kramer really will see someone smile not as big a smile as he thought they should have given him and be like: “Yo, is anyone going to corkscrew their eyeballs off?” and not even wait for an answer. I fuuuuukning hate him. And that little shitface thought it was somehow chill to order someone else to kill Gordon’s wife and eight year old child who had done JACK SHIT wrong ever if Gordon wasn’t willing to brutally murder a kid in his early 20s who had done nothing wrong????! WHAT THE FUCK. Mr. KRamer.. QUICK QUESTION. WHAT. THE. FUCK. You self-righteous, self-centered, pretentious, pettyass, sadistic motherfucking goddamn worthless excuse for anything!

In five he’s finally dead so I can : ) once. BUT HE STILL FUCKS UP SHIT FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. SO I’m STILL MAD. All the people Hoffman kills are ppl John told him to, so HE STILL MOTHERFUKIN RESPONSIBLE. In 5 it’s a bunch of people responsible kind of for deaths of people in a low-income neighborhood. One guy was paid to torch an abandoned building, and eight people died in the fire, but he didn’t know anyone was there and feels terrible. He thought it was vacant, it was just arson. Another is a journalist who found out about the arson, and didn’t break the story bc guy 1’s father bribed him. There’s a fire inspector who learned the truth and was bribed by the guy’s dad not to tell too. A city planner who was bribed into selling permits for the land. And Brit, who was the girl who paid for the arson, bc she wanted to make an apartment complex, and maybe actually knew about the 8 people and might have deserved some real payback–it’s unclear???? Regardless. I want to add that the cops had been investigating, had a strong case, and were about to arrest them and hold these people accountable in a legal manner, which John knew bc HOFFMAN WAS IN HIS POCKET, and John so hated the idea of them facing justice justice, he kidnapped them. The fire inspector got dragged into saw blades by her throat and torn apart, the journalist died to a nail bomb, and the city planner got electrocuted in a bathtub. The two who made it had their arms split down the middle up to the elbow to let enough blood out to save them.  I cannot. Just.

Anyway. In six, again at DEAD JOHN WHO WON”T QUIT FUCKING EVERYTHING UP’s request, a ‘game’ is played and William Easton (one of my fave protagonists bc he’s a piece of shit but damn if he didn’t have a real glow up in forty-five minutes) is thrown into a hell circuit. 

And so, undeservingly, is like, EVERYONE he fucking knows! His janitor Hank is first up. Target for…what was it? OHhhhhh right. He smokes. That was why. That makes so much sense john I’m sorry I doubted you PSYCH I CAN"T EVEN SAY IT AS A JOKE I JUST THREW UP A LITTLE IN MY MOUTH JOHN QUICK Q? WHAT THE FUCK? oh wait it’s because your an ABSOLUTE BASTARD. You would think I would get desensitized but no. It just. It’s fuel on the flame of my rage.

William Easton and the janitor, Hank, are hooked into something that slowly tightens and crushes their ribs any time they take a breath, and whoever doesn’t die first gets to live, and poor goddamn Hank smoked so ofc he can’t outlast a healthy dude in his 30s and John crushes his ribs just to make William watch someone die. Then he makes William pick which of two people to save in trial 2. MEANING HE GODDAMN STRAIGHT UP KIDNAPPED THESE TWO TOTALLY FINE WITH EITHER DYING, IN FACT WITH THE SOUL PURPOSE BEING TO DIE bc who cares about them right John? You fucking pretentious self-righteous creep! I have a year of the Pig teddy bear I named after Peter Strahm JUST for the FUCKING satisfaction of knowing John would hate that bc he was so into year of the motherfucking pig. ANyway. Plot again. Poor file clerk at Williams firm and the poor secretary are the two targets, and literally they did jack shit!!! They work for shitty lawyers but all they do is clock in to a 9-5 and file shit!! They are literally just there to rub it in William’s face that insurance policies aren’t fair bc according to them, one of the humans is worth more than the other bc health and age, but uuuuh oohhh William the older one with health issues is p hard to kill face to face bc you know her and she has kids and the young healthy man in his early 20s family is dead and he doesn’t have friends which means according to John he is worth less bc JOHN DOES THINK YOU CAN CHOOSE BETWEEN LIVES and all of this is here just bc John somehow thought it would be fun to fucking WIN A GODDAMN “I’M RIGHT” ARGUMENT WITH A LAWYER at the expense of brutally hanging a human being with barbed wire!!! 

Sidebar–if John Kramer was a real human being, I would go yearly on a fucking pilgrimage to his grave just to SPIT on his stupid corpse. I HATE HIM SO MUCH. 

K so young man dies. Then test 3 his attorney dies too, I don’t know much about her, except she is just there to make William feel like shit and they were into each other, and she tries to kill William after he gets hurt trying to save her bc he has the key to her trap in his stomach or chest idr, but she doesn’t get the key in time and dies, and then test 4 he finds his associates strapped to a carousel with a shotgun that picks one at random and blows off their head, and has to let all but two of them get gunned down and choose which two not to kill. And again, they’re kind of shittyass lawyers, but uh. Yeah. To save two, he has to let this huge piece of metal rip through his hand, but William does it and destroys his hand to save the two he can, and suffers picking while they all beg him to pick them bc John wanted to see him suffer picking between human lives again because he’s a goddam self-centered stuck up jerk who vales human life less then admiring his ugly ass dick in the mirror every day and pretending he’s a member of Mensa, the evil utterly irredeemable sack of shit. Anyway, at the end, William has never had a chance to live or die at all! And John was literally just torturing him for fun and killed /all/ those people not even for a test for William but /solely/ to make him suffer bc human lives DON"T MATTER ONE FUCKING IOTA to JOHN SHITASS KRAMER. WHO JUST WANTED TO WIN. AN INTELLECTUAL ARGUMENT. POST-MORTEM. BECAUSE he’s THAT kind of shittyass, pretentious, sanctimonious, better than thou, always right, incapable of wrong, smartest fucking asshole in the room man!!! I bet he doesn’t ever wash his hands when he takes a piss! I KNOW IT! FUCK John Kramer! 

ANd OH! William gets killed by a kid who hates him bc he turned down their father’s insurance policy fraudulently, knowing he would die of an illness without the money. BC William was terrible. Which is /so/ great for that fucking teenager! Killing someone horribly with acid while you watch them die and their body be melted! And they beg you not to do it and apologize on the other side of bars, already beat to shit, and plead for forgiveness, and your mom begs you not to, and the dude’s sister sobs and begs you not to!!! SO GOOD! Way to go john you FUCKING CUNT, they definitely value their lives now you goddamn motherfucking souless sack of shit!

I-I don’t even have the energy to do the other Saw movies or go back over the other victims in Saw one WHO DID NOTHING WRONG. John just hated them!!! BC HIS WIFE KNEW THEM! In most cases! John just fucking hates drug addicts! OK u know what here’s the short version even if I can’t do them justice rn bc I’m pissed!!! One guy got sliced to death on razor wire for cutting when he was depressed bc John is a piece of shit, one got burned to death after walking on glass for hours bc John doesn’t believe in invisible illnesses and if you’re walking you must be healthy, oh yeah! And the fucking dude Amanda killed in her first trial was just a drug addict! Going to a recovery clinic! He never had a chance to live on his own bc the only choice was if Amanda would cut open his intestines and sift through him for a key while he was awake but too drugged to move or not, and she did! Didn’t even get to plead for his life! ANyway!!!! Fucking as far as I can tell all Zep did was work at the goddamn hospital! He WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO BE NICE TO JOHN and told other people he was a cool dude!!! He was just a janitor!!! WHAT THE FUCK???

I just. God. I hate everything about John Kramer. The way he talks makes me so LIVID I change color like a goddamned chameleon. He is so ready to argue his stupid shitty fucking ethics with anyone who breathes in a ten mile radius. Shithead John over here will strap you to a table and make you listen to him talk about how it’s not his fault he poisoned two people and gave them one antidote and a bunch of knives and one of them came out dead, and his hands are clean and people don’t value their lives so they should die while he watches eating fucking cereal I am just–I am so glad John has cancer? Like, the idea of Saw sans John having cancer is unbearable, because I am so afraid the writers would never let him die and we would never be free of the human cancer that is John. The only human being on the planet that has ever been able to make me root for the cancer. But boy in that one and only regard, John is special.

I hate him so much it is unbelievable. Like. I can’t even put it into words. THe pure, unbridled fury I feel when I hear John say, “D’oh ho ho, but I, with these two little handies of mine, hath never pulled the gun’s trigger! Got you there! Where is your science! Where is your god! I am no murderer! I heal people! By sawing off their faces! You just do not understand, oh poor unenlightened human that you are. May you be strapped to a machete car and blessed with my wisdom  😔” I absolutely lose control of 90% of normal human functionality, and all that I have left is righteous justice and bloodlust. It’s unbelievable.

Whichever one of you god-mode-brain peeps made that post saying Eric Matthews had the hardest test in the whole Saw franchise because he had to sit and listen to John Kramer talk for two hours was a GODDAMNED HERO and if you contact me and prove the tumblr account is yours I will paypal you ten dollars and a personalized note thanking you for the joy that gave me because I just really hate John Kramer that FUCKING MUCH. I would cut off my own toes to be able to have something to shove down John Kramer’s throat to make him stop. talking.

There are a lot of things in this world I hate bc I hate things that are unjust, but I hate absolutely nothing more in the universe than a villain who is a self-righteous, hypocritical asshole who won’t even admit that what they are doing is wrong and parades as the tragic genius hero despite knowing GODDAMN well that they are a petty, shitty, hypocritical, absolute fucking MONSTER with no redeemable qualities or capacity for love. And John Kramer is at least my second least favorite character in the history of ANYTHING. Maybe my first. I’m not even sure anymore! Nasty-ass, evil, pretentious, self-righteous, shortsighted, selfish, sadistic, voyeuristic, willfully ignorant, crusty ass useless soulless garbage little SHIT.

[astromilku]

it’ll all be okay - steve rogers x reader pt. 1

pairing: steve rogers x reader

summary: as the battle of wakanda comes near, steve has something to tell (y/n).

word count: 4.5k

warnings: ANGST. fluff? sad boi stevie. sum language. 

notes: so this is my first fic... idk how this is all gonna work out. this is unedited simply bc i suck at editing. i wrote this bc i was sad about endgame so i decided to make myself even sadder... i hope you enjoy! 

It was coming to an end, and (Y/N) knew it was.

It had been a few hours since Steve, Natasha, Sam and her had rescued Vision and Wanda, who’d been attacked by the two aliens. (Y/N) and Sam were currently getting ready to start flying the quinjet to the Avengers HQ in New York.

“I thought we had a deal. Stay close, check in. Don't take any chances.” She heard Natasha say to Wanda as she hit the button to close the doors of the quinjet, sighing a bit to herself as she flicked a few switches. “Natasha, go easy on her...” (Y/N) murmured softly after Wanda said that they’d just wanted more time, glancing back at Wanda with understanding. Wanda sighed as she looked at (Y/N) in thanks before sitting down and getting strapped in after she helped Vision into his own seat.

“Where to, Cap?” Sam asked once the quinjet was ready for take off, glancing back at Steve as he waited for his answer. “Home.” Steve responded, making Sam nod before turning back to the console. “Roger that.” (Y/N) said with a humorous tone in her voice, making Sam snort from the pun she’d just made. “Perfect timing Mrs. Rogers.” Sam said with a glance back at Steve as he made the quinjet take off, knowing that Steve had been planning on proposing to (Y/N) before Thanos and his crew decided to come to Earth. “Just focus on getting us to New York.” Steve spoke, sounding a bit annoyed with the joke, simply because he was in fact, planning on proposing and he wanted to get this Thanos stuff done and over with as soon as possible so that he could do so. “I’m sorry hun, just trying to lighten the mood a little.” (Y/N) sighed, keeping her eyes focused on the sky as the quinjet took off into the dark sky.

It’d had been a couple of hours since Sam and (Y/N) had made the quinjet take off. About three hours into the seven hour trip, Sam had verbally pushed the superpowered spy out of the co-pilot’s seat so that she could go rest a little bit before they arrived in New York. Sighing a little, (Y/N) got up before stretching a little. The (H/C)ette then made her way over to Steve, who was sitting close to the pilot’s console.

“Hey soldier, how are you feeling?” (Y/N) asked as she sat down next to the super soldier, taking his much larger hand into her own. “I’m just thinking…” Steve answered his girlfriend of three years, bringing their interlocked hands up to press a gentle kiss on her knuckles. “Well don’t think too much, we’ll figure this all out, alright?” (Y/N) tried to reassure the captain, not entirely believing her own words. “Yeah I know doll, but I can’t shake the feeling that we might not win this one.” Steve responded, looking at her with sad, tired eyes before continuing. “I just want this to be over. I want us to go off and buy a little house on the outer banks of New York and just live happily ever after there. I don’t want to keep doing this anymore. I’m just so tired.” Steve finished, pulling (Y/N) close to him, his arms wrapped around her tightly. “Don’t worry baby… we’ll get there. I promise, after this we can retire and live happily ever after.” (Y/N) responded, nuzzling closer to Steve before looking over at Wanda and Vision, feeling loads of sympathy for them. She understood how hard this all was on them.

See, much like Wanda, (Y/N) had energy manipulation and telekinesis, but also had the ability to manipulate shadows — an ability that helped her as a spy greatly. However, using her powers tended to tire her out immensely after an hour or so, depending how intensely she was using them. Only because she’d had her powers for a short amount of time.

(Y/N) had grown up in a family of ‘Hydra’ spies that were secretly working under Nick Fury’s command. Hydra had found out after a mission had gone sideways, and murdered her whole family at the age of ten. They then took her, seeing the potential in her and put her under Strucker. There, she underwent training similar to the red room, except much more brutal. On top of that, they had her undergoing experiments that the Maximoff twins had gone through. She’d passed through all of the experiments and completed all of Hydra’s training after about eight years. Two years later, all the events of Ultron had happened and (Y/N) finally got out of Hydra with the help of the Avengers (mostly Steve). While in Hydra, (Y/N) had gotten close with both Pietro and Wanda, becoming like an older sister to them. So when Pietro was killed, she’d felt it, although it wasn’t as intense as Wanda.

When the accords popped up, (Y/N) and Steve had recently entered a relationship after realising their feelings for each other. However, (Y/N) ended up willingly signing the accords. She was still terrified of her powers, as she still didn’t really know how to control them, even with all the help she’d gotten from S.H.I.E.L.D and the Avengers to learn how to control her powers. When everything started to split, (Y/N) was heart broken. Her family was being split apart from the inside, and she felt like she couldn’t do anything about it. Tony had quarantined Wanda and (Y/N) to the headquarters, in hopes of keeping them out of the ‘civil war’. However, when Clint showed up to get the two of them, she left with him and Wanda. Similarly, the two enhanced females realized that they could only control their fears, and no one else's. On the other side of the coin, (Y/N) had realised how much she loved Steve, and how he was right on the whole ordeal. So she joined him in the fight against Tony to prove that Bucky was innocent. However, she was taken out of the fight by Black Panther, being thrown onto the ground with enough force to knock her out. She was taken captive, much like the rest of Captain’s team but quickly was broken out by Steve.

Now here they were, almost two years later. (Y/N) had (cut/grown out) her (H/C), gotten a lot stronger with the help of Natasha’s training, and still had an amazing romance with the Captain. It wasn’t always easy, but they always made it through any obstacle that had come their way. She’d also become closer to Bucky, seeing him as a older brother, much like Sam. Natasha had become like a older sister figure, and Wanda was basically already your younger sister. The (H/C)ette gave Wanda a soft smile before she looked back at Steve, instantly noticing that he’d gone back to brooding. “Are you okay? Do you need to talk to me about something?” (Y/N) asked softly, knowing she’d already asked the question before. But she felt like there was something that Steve wasn’t telling her. Steve shook his head, making her sigh.She knew he needed his time, but she wished he could tell her what was going on in that pretty little head of his. Little did she know, Steve was thinking about their future and how much it could change in the next few hours.

They sat in silence for another hour, (Y/N) making some small talk with Vision and Wanda occasionally.“Okay, well I’m gonna go switch with Sam. He needs to rest too.” (Y/N) broke the silence between the two of them, pecking Steve on the cheek before getting up from her seat and making her way over to the pilot’s console. “Sam, I can take over here. Go take a nap or something.” The girl spoke gently as she strapped herself into her seat, clicking her seatbelt in before putting her hands on the wheel. Knowing how stubborn the (H/C)ette could be, Sam surrendered the quinjet over to (Y/N), tapping a button on his holoscreen to switch the controls over to the girl.

After a few more hours, (Y/N) had landed the quinjet in New York. Taking a deep breath, she opened the doors of the quinjet for the rest of the team members. Once everyone was off the quinjet, she closed the doors. Natasha was helping Sam with Vision as Wanda walked next to Sam. (Y/N) took her place next to Steve, standing tall as they walked into the headquarters. They navigated through the hallways, ending up in the main room as Rhodey was on a call with Secretary Ross.

“Not anymore.”(Y/N) heard Rhodey say to the Secretary as they all walked in, the (H/C)ette settling into a pose with her arms crossed over her chest. “Mr. Secretary.” Steve greeted the Secretary of State, a hardened expression on his face. The holographic form of Secretary Ross turned to look at the team of fugitive avengers, scoffing. “You got some nerve. I’ll give you that.” The Secretary said, making (Y/N) roll her eyes. “You could use some of that right now.” Natasha countered, raising her eyebrow as she stepped forward, Wanda stepping in to help support Vision. “The world’s on fire. And you think, all is forgiven?” The Secretary questioned as he glared at the team, Steve returning the glare tenfold.

“I'm not looking for forgiveness. And I'm way past asking for permission. Earth just lost her best defender. So we're here to fight,” Steve paused and took a step closer to the holographic form of the Secretary Ross, giving him a cold, hard stare. “And if you wanna stand in our way... we'll fight you, too.” Steve finished, Secretary Ross scoffing once more before turning to Rhodey. “Arrest them.” The Secretary spoke, making Rhodey sigh, “All over it,” before swiping the hologram away. “That’s a court-martial. It’s great to see you, Cap.”  Rhodey welcomed the team back, Steve moving forward to give Rhodey a hug, Natasha and (Y/N) following behind him. “Well. You guys, really look like crap. Must’ve been a rough couple of years.” Rhodey stated after the hugs had finished, (Y/N) instantly thinking of a sarcastic response, but Sam beat her to it. “Yeah, well, the hotels weren’t exactly five star.” Sam joked with a slight smile on his face, making everyone lighten up a little. “Damn, You beat me to it Birdboy.” (Y/N) whined a little, running her fingers through her (short/long) hair. Everyone let out a little laugh from what the (H/C)ette said, soon startled by a voice they hadn’t heard in a while.

“Uh, I think you look great.” Bruce said as he entered the room, everyone’s heads whipping over to see the supposedly missing doctor. “Uh... heh... Yeah. I'm back.” Bruce added, taking in the look of everyone’s surprised faces. Natasha was the first one to snap out of the surprised spell that had seemingly fell over everyone. “Hi Bruce.” She greeted, Bruce replying with a simple ‘Nat’. The room’s comforted feeling slowly formed into an awkward one as everyone remembered the unspoken thing between Natasha and Bruce. However, Natasha has moved on, and was currently in a relationship with Bucky, which is what made the atmosphere even more awkward. And Sam most definitely pointed it out. “Well, this is awkward.”

It’d been a couple hours since the fugitive team of avengers came back to New York, currently taking some time to clean up a little. They were all about to head over to Wakanda, the after effect of the discussion of the entity in Vision’s head. The plan was to remove the mind stone and destroy it, that way Thanos couldn’t get the stone. (Y/N) was currently in her own room, feeling like a stranger within her own room. She walked into her bathroom and closed the door behind herself, turning on the water in the shower. She slipped out of her grimy stealth suit, taking some time to look at how much she’d changed since the last time she really looked in the mirror. (Y/N) felt a lot different, not just physically, but also personality-wise. Sighing, she shook her head a little before she turned away from the mirror to get in the shower. Her tense muscles instantly relaxed under the hot water, this being the first time in a little over two years that she had a decent shower and she couldn’t even really savor it. She quickly started to wash herself off, starting off with her hair and ending with her body. (Y/N) then hopped out of the shower, pulling a towel over her body while using another one to dry off her hair. Once she was done drying off, she quickly redressed into a newer, cleaner stealth suit. As the enhanced spy started to pull her utility belt, she heard her door open. She wasn’t really startled since she knew who it was.

“Hey Steve.” She greeted softly, lifting her gaze from her belt to look at the soldier. “Hey doll.” He replied, walking over to the smaller girl before wrapping her up in a tight hug. (Y/N) returned the hug, pressing a soft kiss on his covered left pec. “Is everything okay? I mean, despite the whole Thanos thing..” She asked, looking up at her boyfriend with a soft expression. Steve nodded, resting his head on top of the (H/C)ette’s head. “Yeah, I’ve just been thinking a lot about us.” The soldier answered honestly. He figured he might as well ask (Y/N), even though it won’t be how it was planned. “What about us?” (Y/N) asked nervously, an unwelcome feeling of anxiety rising in the pit of her stomach. Was Steve about to break up with her? She wouldn’t even know what to do if Steve broke up with her, especially right now.

“(Y/N)... I-” Steve had started before a loud knock on the door had startled the two lovebirds. “We’re heading out soon, (Y/N) i’m gonna need some help with the quinjet… If y’all don’t mind.” Sam spoke nonchalantly as he peaked his head into her room, already used to seeing the pair together. Steve sighed and nodded a little bit, leaning down and pressing a gentle kiss on the (H/C)ette’s lips before breaking away from her. “We’ll finish this later.” (Y/N) murmured as she moved from her position to walk past Steve, patting his shoulder before she left the room with Sam.

A lot had changed in only a few hours, one minute they had landed in Wakanda, and the other they were fighting some weird ass alien creatures. (Y/N) fired off a couple more shots from her guns as she narrowly avoided getting big gash in her stomach from the talon of the hellish creature. (Y/N) always held off of using her powers, only using them if they were absolutely necessary. Her previously clean hair had already gotten messed up from the battle, a few scratches on her face from getting pummeled to the earthy floor. “God- I could use some help here guys!” (Y/N) spoke, her comm picking up her words as she realized she’d shot out her last bullets, quickly discarding them before unsheathing her (staff/katana/batons/etc.). They’d been fighting for what felt like forever, but they knew that this all was only the beginning. A couple of beams came from the sky, (Y/N) looking up to see Rhodey up in the sky. She nodded in thanks before turning her attention to the sky as clouds started to gather together. Suddenly, a large beam of rainbow-hued light lands in the middle of the field, and an axe flies out of it, wreathed with lightning and tearing through the weird aliens. It flies back to the light and into its master's hand just as the beam starts to disappear, revealing Thor, with a tree and a raccoon. (Y/N) stopped to marvel at what had just happened, her head turning to look at Steve to find him with a similar expression on his face. “You guys are so screwed now!” She heard Bruce shout out with a joyful expression. “Bring me Thanos!” Thor yelled out, running towards the board of aliens with the tree and raccoon following him. He launched himself up into the air, lightning surrounding him as he crashed down into the middle of all the aliens — taking out a lot of them.

However, even with Thor’s help, the battlefield never seemed to change. (Y/N), Natasha, and Okoye had ended up grouping together. They played off of each other’s moves before they heard T’Challa’s staticky voice though the comms. “Fall back! Fall back now!” (Y/N)’s attention quickly landed on the big saw-like things that rolled into Wakanda, her eyes growing wide. Two of them were headed towards her, Okoye, and Natasha, another two going another way. (Y/N) saw a flash of red in the sky, knowing that Wanda had the other two threshers. She dropped her weapon(s), bringing her hands up as they started to glow a dark (F/C)— her eyes glowing the same color. The (H/C)ette focused on the two threshers that continued to get closer and closer, her magic engulfing the threshers in a dark (F/C) before she threw the threshers over the groups of the outriders before she turned back to normal.

“Why was she not using them this whole time?” Okoye said, a bit of indignance in her voice. Okoye’s question when (Y/N) stumbled backwards a little bit, getting caught by Natasha. The master spy knew that (Y/N) was possibly gonna fall back from the amount of force she’d just used. “I-I’m fine- I’m fine Nat..” (Y/N) breathed heavily, trying to regain herself as quickly as possible. She didn’t have time to rest. Once she’d gotten ahold of herself, she picked up the weapon(s) she’d dropped beforehand. Natasha watched (Y/N) with a slightly worried expression, bringing her hand up to her ear. “Cap- We might need to switch. (Y/N) just used her powers, and she was already tired. She might pass out..” She spoke quietly as she started to fight the aliens once more. “Alright... Give- me a sec.. I’ll be there.” Steve responded, grunting half-way through his sentence as he slammed one of the aliens down.

It had been what felt like a few more hours out on the battlefield, (Y/N) and Steve had ended up fighting together. “Guys, we got a Vision situation here.” (Y/N) heard Sam yell out through the comms, about to respond before hearing Bruce saying that he got it covered. (Y/N) looked over at Steve, knowing that they’d probably have to head over there anyways. “Come on, we’ll use the shadows.” (Y/N) spoke, not realizing the concerned look on Steve’s face. “No, I don’t want you to end up passing out. I’ll carry you on my back.” Steve responded, making the girl shake her head. “Steve, it’ll be faster my way. I’ll be fine… Besides it’ll take too long if I don’t, and we don’t have a lot of time right now.” (Y/N) argued back, her eyes and hands already starting to glow a dark (F/C). “(Y/N)- fine.” Steve sighed, grabbing onto (Y/N)’s hands. The couple moved down into the shadows, reappearing over in the forest.

“(Y/N)... I have to tell you something- what I was trying to tell you earlier- I-“ Steve started before he was cut off by seeing Corvus Glaive and Vision. “Damnnit- Steve, we’ll talk about this when it’s over okay?” (Y/N) sighed, Steve nodding before jumping in to help Vision. The captain yelled at Vision to leave as he attacked Corvus Glaive, (Y/N) running over to Vision to try and help him up, her hands and eyes starting to glow again as she tried to somehow use her powers to heal the cut that he still had from the alien’s spear. Suddenly, (Y/N) heard Steve and the alien fall to the ground with a grunt, ready to use her powers to rip Corvus Glaive apart. However, Vision beat her to it but flying forward and grabbing Glaive’s spear and drove it through Glaive’s chest. Vision fell over after killing Glaive, (Y/N) and Steve instantly going over to help Vision.

“(Y/N), you and Wanda protect him, I have a feeling he’s coming soon-“ “No, Steve, I’m staying with you.” (Y/N) said as she walked closer to Steve, her eyes starting to water a little. “No, it’s an order (Y/N).” Steve sighed before pulling the girl close and kissing her passionately. “S-Steve…” (Y/N) whispered after they broke apart, her lips in a frown. “Why does it sound like you’re saying goodbye..” (Y/N) added on, her voice wavering a bit as she continued to look into Steve’s eyes. She didn’t like the direction this conversation was going, especially since Thanos might show up in front of them at any given moment. Wanda flew in quietly, a sullen expression on her face as she looked at Vision, instantly going by his side to support him.

Steve sighed softly as he rested his head against (Y/N)’s, letting his eyes close to try and bask in this very rare moment of peace. “I love you (Y/N).. You’re my best girl. And I… I didn’t want to do this now but I don’t know how much time we have left together… So, would you do me the honor… Of being my wife once this is all over?” Steve asked, a stray tear rolling down his cheek. (Y/N) held back a sob, trying to grasp enough air to respond. Although, by the time she had been able to breathe somewhat normally, she was interrupted by Vision.

“He’s here.”

Suddenly, the leaves around the four avengers started to rise from the earthy floor, the winds starting to pick up. A chill ran down (Y/N)’s spine as she slowly separated from Steve, feeling more and more dreadful as the seconds passed. Steve took (Y/N)’s hand into his own, squeezing it gently to remind her that they were gonna make it. “Everyone, on my position. We have incoming.” Steve commanded, pushing himself back into the mindset that he needed in order to win this fight. Quickly, everyone started to trickle into the forest. “What the hell?” (Y/N) heard Natasha question as a blue-black cloud started to appear, everyone starting to brace themselves for the fight. “Cap.” The (H/C)ette heard Bruce say. “That’s him.” He finished right as a large, purple man stepped out from the cloud. “Eyes up. Stay sharp.” Steve warned, letting go of your hand before unsheathing his arm-shields. The captain then turned to (Y/N), looking between her, Wanada, and Vision. “Remember what I said… I love you.” Steve whispered gently, pressing a soft kiss on your forehead as Bruce charged towards Thanos. Bruce was almost instantly put into the rock from the space stone, Steve looking over at (Y/N) before whispering for her to back up and try and help Wanda destroy the mind stone. (Y/N) and Wanda moved Vision back a bit as the rest of the heroes charged on Thanos. (Y/N) stood with her back to Wanda as she started to make work of the stone, her expression unreadable as you watched Thanos practically destroy all of her family, even more anger rising up inside of her. She felt even more enraged as Thanos tossed Steve to the side after knocking him out. (Y/N)’s eyes and hands started to glow a dark (F/C) as Thanos got closer, lifting up both of her hands as a stream of (F/C) energy burst from her hands, effectively pushing Thanos, but only for a second. However, Thanos used one of the stones to pick up (Y/N) and fling her across the forest, her body landing close to Steve.

The trees bent back with the release of a yellow energy from the destruction of Vision, (Y/N) slowly starting to get up as Thanos approached Wanda. She watched in horror as Thanos turned back the time, Vision seemingly coming back to life. Thanos picks up Vision by the throat, lifting him to eye-level, and uses his fingers to dig out the Mind Stone. He pulls it out and he tosses the lifeless, colorless android aside like trash. Bringing his gauntleted hand up, he slowly moves the Mind Stone into his gauntlet. Another energy surge pushes its way through the forest as he bellows from the sensation of power flowing through him. A massive bolt of lighting suddenly strikes him, digging him into the ground and grinding him back for meters. Thor swoops down from the sky, his eyes glowing with power. The God of Thunder pauses his attack, reverses his position, before he raises Stormbreaker above his head and hurls it -- Thanos fires the whole might of the gauntlet against it, but unable to stop the axe before it hurdles itself right into Thanos’ chest. Thor then lands in front of Thanos, uncontrolled anger in his eyes. “I told you. You’d die for that!” Thor yelled, taking the back of Thanos’s head while forcing the axe deeper into the titan’s chest.

“You should have… You,” (Y/N) hears Thanos start, the sense of dread hitting her tenfold. “You should have gone for the head!” Thanos yelled before raising his gauntleted hand and snapping his fingers. “What’d you do?” Thor started, looking at the now damaged gauntlet before looking back at Thanos. “WHAT’D YOU DO?!” Thor repeated angrily, Thanos simply ignoring Thor before he teleported away, Stormbreaker falling onto the ground. Steve pulled himself up from the ground, clutching his left side as he helped (Y/N) up. The couple then used each other for support as they stumbled into the clearing where Thanos had just been moments before.

“Where’d he go? Thor… where’d he go?” Steve asked, his voice shaky as he looked at (Y/N) before he turned to look at Bucky who’d also just stumbled into the clearing. “Steve? Nat? (Y/N)-” Bucky questioned before he suddenly stumbled to the ground, everyone’s eyes widening as Bucky collapsed to the floor, turning into dust. Suddenly, (Y/N) started to feel sick, starting to fall over, accidentally taking Steve down with her. He quickly pulled (Y/N) into his lap, tears starting to roll down his cheeks as he realized what was about to happen. “Y...Yes..” (Y/N) mumbled out, Steve instantly knowing what she was talking about. He quickly reached into his utility belt, pulling out the ring he’d gotten for her, sliding it onto her ring finger with a shaky hand. “I… I love you Steve…” (Y/N) said with tears in her eyes as she started to turn to ashes. “I love you too Doll..” Steve choked out right before the love of his life turned to ash.

“Oh god.”

[kuntrabida]

a post! :0 and a filipina superhero

what’s UP y’all? (like, the 10 of y’all that are here LMAO)

so I haven’t really posted anything on here other than my academic research on fanfiction and parasocial relationships, but uh—in case you ain’t been knew—I write too!! 

and since september/october I’ve sorta been writing this... novel... about... a Filipina superhero/antihero in the NYC area? who has the power to... shapeemotionintotangiblematerial GOD I always feel like an idiot when I explain it to people LMAO

(hence—in case you haven’t caught on—the username “tracethisfeeling”... there’s more where that came from but that’s a WHOLE ‘nother tangent.)

and it sounds real wild, I know. especially on paper... I say “sorta been writing” because I’ve been writing and scrapping and rewriting the FIRST CHAPTER for a whopping 8 months ahhh,,,,,

I have a lot of other chapters and snippets already drafted but that FIRST CHAPTER you guys. It’s been a bitch to write. For some reason that only makes me love it even more.

and this story, y’all. Idk. I’ve spent nearly a year planning everything out and freewriting and developing these characters and plotlines and themes relevant to today’s society in my head and it’s kind of become my baby? My imperfect, stubborn, far-too-complex baby. And I’ve really, really been struggling to make it perfect.

i can’t let this draft live in the vacuum of my own head/Google Drive (let’s be real; they’re basically the same thing) though. the entire point of writing it, besides creating a personal and creative outlet, was to shine a spotlight on our society in a bit of an unconventional way, with unconventional heroes making unconventional (we’ll make that the euphemism for “morally dubious” here) decisions. Another really important thing I went for was REPRESENTATION. 

yeah, this is kinda selfish; I just wanted to see a Filipina superhero. Not only that, but teams of crime-fighters and characters that are as diverse as my real-life group of friends. As much as I adore the current body of super-media at our disposal (Endgame really ripped my heart out this year LOL), I think we’ve all seen enough of white guys in Spandex. For now. 

point is, it’d be really nice if we could see ourselves. Which is why I feel like I can’t just keep this to myself.

so i’m posting this here. i’ve always intended to publish this story online somewhere (maybe even self publish in the future, but hey, i’m getting ahead of myself), especially since i’ve started reading fanfiction more regularly (thanks, research; and damn, y’all are TA.LEN.TED. and mad inspiring) and while I know Wattpad is a resource I might utilize concurrently, I guess I just feel most at home on Tumblr.

the first chapter still isn’t done, but it WILL BE. soon. like, seriously, i’m putting this here so you can hold me to my word: i WILL have the first chapter up sometime this weekend. i’ve been sitting on it for far too long; at this point, nothing’s ever gonna be perfect, and i may as well just full fucking send. i’m hoping i can get some feedback as well because honestly, i need it. 

in the meantime, i’ll post a snippet of the one portion from the FIRST CHAPTER™️ that i DO deem acceptable below, just to tease at what’s to come. 

tbh i’m a lil nervous LMAO bc my writing is so far from crystal clear and concise (don’t you ever wish someone else—someone FAR MORE intelligent and articulate than you—had the same world hatch inside their head so they could EXPLAIN it and EXECUTE that vision in the most effective way? idk.) but these past eight months have taught me so much about myself and my writing and even though it’s confusing at times, i hope you can read it. 

so, here’s a sneak peek at Manifest. It’s mad whack. It’s a time. I’m still figuring it out. But it’s ALSO about damn time we gave a Filipina American some superhero clout, ya know? 

here it is, in all it’s rambly glory:

<<<<The doctors call it synesthesia. 

Theoretically, that’s what puts the pink in the lust emanating from the doorway, brings the soft velvet feel of it to the palms of Analyn’s hands; and with everyone outside radiating varied shades of desire—either that or the yellow in ecstasy, the black in pissed, the blue in heartbreak—simply standing in the hall became too much for her senses to handle. 

Ordinarily, Analyn would know how to shut out the too much with the bathroom door and her own static—but there’s never been this much of too much. 

There’s a reason she’s never been to one of Blaire Killian’s parties.   

She’s not even sure how she ended up here in the first place. About a hundred other nights preceding this one had started similarly enough: with Diane bursting into Analyn’s room, some pre-selected outfit in hand, begging her to ride up to the penthouse at 432. All those nights had been cut short by a definitive No. 

Tonight, though—tonight was different. Next thing Analyn knew, she was asking her parents for twenty dollars and a curfew extension. 

“Bahala ka,” her mother had replied. A Filipino phrase. It’s up to you. 

It always has been. 

So she and Diane had left her apartment, off to Prince Street platform for the N train out of Soho. 

And judging by the way she’s fading in and out of consciousness against Killian’s absurdly gorgeous bathroom sink, that might’ve been the worst fucking decision Analyn’s ever made.>>>>

I’m super (perhaps way too) excited to share this with y’all, if ya couldn’t tell. And tonight, I decided I’d just post this; hopefully, it’ll give me some incentive to actually FOLLOW THROUGH with the current draft of this FIRST. CHAPTER.

I’ll see y’all back here soon.

—all the love, 

c.a.l.

(get hyped <3)

(P.S. oh my god I should mention that the four main personalities in this wee thing are based on the four types of researchers. i’m really never going to escape it, am i?)

[bigskydreaming]

Tbh, my policy on pirating is pretty simple. I honestly dont give a fuck one way or another w/movies, TV shows and even comic books, bc the former two have managed to account for pirating in the way they pad their expenses and tbqh they dont really hurt for it. And with comic books, okay if you pirate indie or creator owned content you kinda suck, not gonna lie, you have NO idea the kind of effort and upfront costs that go into producing comic books without Marvel or DC backing you up, not until you actually try it. Its obscene. Especially if you’re not able to do all the art AND story AND inking/lettering/coloring yourself, and have to either pay other members of your self-assembled creative team upfront or on the backend. 

And this includes comic books published by Image (at least the ones without big name creators attached), because contrary to popular belief, Image has nothing to do with assembling the creative teams of most of their creator owned books, and they certainly don’t pay them any kind of wages or salaries. The way Image is set up is creators basically submit a complete first issue, all the art, inking, lettering, coloring, everything already done, to see if they’re interested in publishing. 

(Technically, you only have to submit the first eight pages in order to get a response, and theoretically its possible that Image has in the past greenlit books based on the first eight pages of the book, which then allows the creators some leverage in convincing the entirety of their creative team to put in the upfront work to complete the rest of the first issue still without payment, but at least trusting now that their work will see publication, but like, this doesn’t really happen much from anything I’ve ever seen or heard or experienced).

Anyway, point being, Image takes submissions and then greenlights the books they see as potentially profitable, but again....they in no way ever pay creators themselves. Creators only make money via the actual sales of their books, once published and distributed by Image...and only AFTER Image takes their cut, which is a flat fee deducted from the sales of individual issues. Its actually a good thing in some ways, that they only take a flat fee (their cut is for publishing and distribution costs, Image NEVER owns any part of the intellectual property they publish, unless they’re part of their ‘shared Image universe’ which tbh is just like, publisher Erik Larsen’s little sandbox for him and his friends and who even cares, those books suck, Savage Dragon is lame, Erik, and everyone knows Shadowhawk was a blatant rip-off of Darkhawk, and look, I love Darkhawk with all my New Warriors fanboying heart, but of all the characters in the world to rip-off, who the fuck considers Darkhawk worth being derivative of? So weird. BUT I DIGRESS. ANYWAY.) 

So in some senses the fact that they only ever take a flat rate is good, because in the rare cases of runaway books that really take off, the way Invincible and The Walking Dead were back when Robert Kirkman was still a no-name indie creator, like...the creator has the potential to make BANK. Which is exactly what Kirkman did, and why he’s now every-fucking-where, ruining all our other faves like who the fuck thought HIM producing a Chronicles of Amber show was a good idea, ewww. He’s gonna dial up the incest to 100, isn’t he? Sigh. UGH WHOOPS ANOTHER DIGRESSION, LOL YOU SEE WHY MY ADHD MEDS ARE ESSENTIAL, I ASSUME. 

Ahem. 

BUT in most cases, the fact that Image takes a flat fee off the top is like....shitty, because the last I heard - and tbf, this was years ago so its probably not the same anymore, but that means it could be worse - it was something like $2000 per issue. Which means the vast majority of indie creators you’ve never heard of before or after they published a six issue mini or whatever through Image never saw a cent. I’ve never heard of Image putting anyone in debt, like that’s not how they work at least - if your book doesn’t even make up to $2000, its not like you owe them for the remainder, but again, you just....never make a cent off it. So like....the reason a fuckton of Image books never make it past issue #6, if they even make it that far, is that the creators literally just can’t afford to keep producing out of pocket, financing the actual creative production costs of each issue themselves without making any profit on the backend, if they’re not ending up selling more than $2000 worth of issues once on the shelves, physical or digital).

So don’t fucking pirate Image comic books, plz. Just don’t do it. Unless they’re Erik Larsen’s. Pirate away, who gives a fuck, I hate that guy. LOLOLOL I’m such a petty asshole, ugh. Whatever. I blame my childhood.

ANYWAY. As I was saying, I don’t really give a shit about pirating from Marvel or DC, which maybe is bad of me because its not like those creators necessarily make bank either, unless they’re one of Marvel/DC’s faves and like, have their pick of titles at any given moment. But the way most of them are paid is Marvel and DC pay their creators actual salaries based on rates per page, and then Marvel/DC keep all the actual royalties themselves. The only exceptions to this are when issues sell more than 50,000 copies - that’s 50,000 individual copies of physical or digital issues, not $50,000 worth of sales like with Image. Once a creative team’s book sells more than 50,000 copies of a single issue however, THEN they start getting a cut of the royalties, as like a bonus incentive type thingie. But tbh, its pretty rare in today’s market for a book to move that many issues monthly, and only the top sellers of both companies end up in that rarefied air....and most of those books’ creative teams are the favored writers/artists anyway, the ones who have a degree of job security and never tend to lack for titles to shift to after ending a run on one book. Sooooo, they’re kinda the reverse of the creators who could actually use a cut of their books’ back end profits, but whatever.

So like I said, fuck Marvel and DC, like...corporately or whatever. Of course there’s no doubt that pirating has some definite correlation to how few books are able to move 50,000 issues monthly, but both companies have always been notoriously shitty to creators, and that’s not pirating’s fault, and less pirating honestly isn’t going to change that b/c the ones to benefit from less pirating first and foremost are still going to be the same ones who aren’t really that hurt by it currently....loooooooong before the lower rung creators start to see an uptick in profits as a result. And let’s be real, if Marvel & DC suddenly started seeing a surge in profits due to a marked reduction in piracy, they’d find some excuse to shift payment structures around again in order to still keep a lion’s share of the new profits while cutting the lower rung creators (read: new/just starting out/niche/lacking leverage creators) out of seeing much additional profits. Because the problem with creators making money off Marvel and DC IPs isn’t really pirating, its Marvel and DC not wanting to share the money made off their IPs, even with the people most responsible for those IPs generating revenue.

That’s the part of the pirating convo that most people miss, IMO....a rising tide just DOESN’T lift all boats, if one or two boats in particular are specially designed to make the most of any tiny uptick in a rising tide while all the other boats are made of the leftover shoddy materials and are undermanned or understaffed or whatever and can’t actually DO anything productive with any of the lift generated by the rising tide.

And if that made no sense, eh, idk, don’t blame me. Its not my metaphor.

ANYWAY. So that’s why I don’t really give a shit about pirated movies or TV shows or Marvel or DC books, though I do still think you suck if you pirate indie content including lesser known Image creators. You guys have srsly no idea how much harder indie comic book creators have to work compared to like, any other medium. It makes me wanna cry. Its ridiculous. It would take too long to explain just WHY its so much more of an ordeal/effort to produce indie comic book content than just about any other form of indie content save like, running an entire webshow with one or two people wearing all the hats while funding everything out of pocket and overseeing everything production wise and also being a key creator involved in creating the actual content.

BUT as I was saying in the last post, pirating novels is an ENTIRELY different thing, and I have vastly more opinions there than I do with other mediums. Because the publishing industry was designed to exploit and capitalize off the intellectual properties of INDIVIDUALS, unlike all those other mediums that are inherently collaborative and thus usually involve the combined efforts of several to dozens of people.

So at the end of the day, individual authors will ALWAYS suffer more from pirating, looooooong before publishing companies ever feel a ding in their profits. Because they designed it that way. Specifically SO that they, the big companies, would be protected. Its set up so that individual creatives, the authors, NEED publishing companies more than publishers need any singular author. Obviously the rise of indie publishing has changed this somewhat, but not as much as you might think.....because the thing is, indie authors are really only successful and profitable by the grace of Amazon. By the fact that Amazon can afford to pay authors 70 percent royalties on any sale as opposed to traditionally published authors who are lucky to get a ten to fifteen percent royalty rate on sales, with them not even seeing a cent of those royalties until AFTER their advance has already been paid back, if they ever even sell enough to make that happen at all.

And so like....its a very dangerous, precarious, and not at all trustworthy situation that allows for indie authors to CURRENTLY be profitable in ways or to degrees that a lot of traditionally published authors can’t be. 

But that’s only because Amazon is taking a loss on most of the books they publish, due to this payment model. Because Amazon CAN. They can afford it. They make enough from all their other departments and revenue streams to buttress those losses. And Amazon has been using this, and using indie authors, to leverage traditional publishers into giving up more and more of THEIR profits from THEIR books, by giving Amazon even steeper discounts on the books they distribute to them, to be sold to consumers by Amazon.

And again, like I said before, its the individual creators, the bottom rung authors, who take the hits here first and in the biggest ways, because it remains true that the publishers have designed their payment structures so as to use the profits of individual authors to compensate for their own dip in profits.

And Amazon isn’t doing any of this for the little guy’s benefit. They don’t care about giving indie authors a leg up, an alternative to tradition publishers. They only care about CURRENTLY making indie authors need traditional publishers less than trad publishers need them, for a change.....but ONLY so that Amazon can rake in the increase in profits first and foremost.

Because here’s the kicker. The thing I worry too many indie authors and readers don’t account for.

INDIE AUTHORS STILL NEED AMAZON MORE THAN AMAZON NEEDS THEM.

Amazon is VOLUNTARILY taking losses on their book sales, and have been almost from the start. Because they don’t NEED that department in particular to be profitable for them NOW. They’ve been angling for a long time to get as close to an actual monopoly on the book market as is possible under current free market laws. So the thing is....unlike traditional publishers....Amazon doesn’t need ANY indie authors OR sales. Like, AT ALL. They could shut down their entire indie book model tomorrow, and not really be any worse off for it.

And the second Amazon doesn’t need indie authors even as LEVERAGE to pry more profits out of traditional publishers....you better believe that 70 percent royalty rate is going to vanish literally overnight. Because there’s absolutely nothing in Amazon’s business model or legal obligations to indie authors that requires they maintain it, or protects indie authors from having it suddenly dropped to a five percent royalty rate at Amazon’s whim.

So the second the scales tip far enough that Amazon decides they really don’t need or want to milk anything else out of traditional publishers, they’ve gotten as much of a price cut or a monopoly as they’re going to get or want to get without forcing publishers (and by extension their own ready made product that Amazon then distributes) out of business.....Amazon is going to quite happily STOP taking a loss on the sales of all these indie titles, and say well, we don’t need you as much now, so we’re gonna just give you ten percent royalties, take it or leave it. Its not like you have any better options at this point.

So whether traditionally published or indie published, pirating books hurts individual creators in very real, tangible ways that creators in other mediums aren’t affected, or are supplemented or buttressed against.

I say all this not to guilt anyone, but simply to provide information. Because there’s always so much discourse going back and forth around legality of pirating and ethics of pirating and so much stuff that’s not even consequential or relevant if people don’t even understand the MECHANICS of how pirating affects various mediums. So they can then make INFORMED choices on how they feel about pirating certain content versus other content.

As I was saying at the start of all of this....I have my own personal stance on pirating, and I don’t expect it or need it to be anyone else’s personal model. Like I said, I don’t really care about other mediums, and when it comes to novels, I’m against it as much as possible, but with caveats. Lots of people, including authors, describe novels as luxury items, and as such say that nobody’s justified in taking one for their own personal entertainment just because they WANT it. I differ from that POV because I honestly don’t consider books a luxury. I consider them to be absofuckinglutely as essential to the survival and THRIVING of the human condition as food or rest. Far more so than TV or movies, which not everyone has access to, or finds as easily accessible. Bottom line.....I fall in the category of arguing that its not enough just to survive. People have to have reason to survive, to live. Things to look forward to. Things to enjoy. Feeding the human spirit, as cheesy or whatthefuckever as that sounds, is every bit as essential as feeding the body. I would not have survived my childhood without books. I would not have survived my twenties without books. Hell, I would not have survived this YEAR without books.

So, even as an author myself, and yes, I have written stuff that’s been pirated (I made a fairly decent living for a couple years as a self-published indie author of m/m erotica and m/m erotic romance short stories, novellas and novels, and those particular genres/markets get the SHIT pirated out of them. So trust me, I am VERY much putting my money where my mouth is on this subject).

But yes, even as an author myself, I have zero problem with people pirating stuff because they honestly, truly legit can not afford it otherwise. Its not a lost sale. If you don’t have the money, you don’t have the money. It doesn’t mean you still don’t need, let alone deserve, to have something to take your mind off your poverty, your stresses, your issues. And even if you technically have the money to afford a book, I’m well aware that doesn’t always mean you ACTUALLY have the money to afford it in any meaningful way. If you have five bucks to spend for the day, and a choice between a book and a bagel, or like, an actual sandwich and drink, that’s not a fucking choice that ANYONE should have to make. Use that five dollars to buy yourself a fucking sandwich and just pirate the book, I say. You can pay it forward when you get the chance. You find yourself with more money at a later point, by all means, go back and buy a legit copy of that book, your money’s still good then, and having had that book to enjoy at an earlier, more stressful time in your life might very well have contributed in even the tiniest of ways to you getting to a place where you had better finances and more spending money.

Yes, obviously, I am a big fan and proponent of libraries, and I think you should always go there first, if possible, to get your free literary content. Libraries are great, and they have a LOT more content, and more of a range of content, then a lot of people realize.

I am however aware that libraries are not necessarily practical for everyone. Sometimes you just plain can’t get to one, you have transportation or mobility issues or live in a household where your reading habits or interests are frowned upon or even penalized, because sometimes, parents are awful. Sometimes libraries just don’t have the content you’re looking for. Content is subjective, depends on staff, geography, community. LGBTQ+ kids shouldn’t have to risk being seen looking through the LGBTQ+ section of the library or checking out a book, if they’re not out at home or school or in their community. By all means, I would much rather a kid in that situation pirate the fuck out of their comforting, soul-sustaining LGBTQ+ themed books than risk upsetting a currently safe and secure status quo. Again, just pay it forward when and if you can, at a later date. And so on and so forward.

BUT, again, there’s caveats there, because with books, I consider it a case by case basis, and the case in question is the individual consumer. The above scenarios IMO are based entirely on the genuine, sincere situation of not being able to afford a book in any practical way, and not having a library as a valid option for getting that or any book.

This is an entirely different situation from HAVING the spending money, and being perfectly capable of dropping five bucks on a book versus five bucks on one of those much-talked-about-in-pirating-convos Starbucks’ lattes that you don’t NEED any more than anyone supposedly NEEDS to read a particular book. 

If you CAN afford to pay full price for a book without dipping into funds intended for other practical necessities or hurting or even inconveniencing you in any meaningful way, if you CHOOSE to pirate a book you can access or download through legal channels with just as much ease as you can pirate it...(again, I’m aware that due to bullshit territory laws, not all content is legally available in all areas at all times, and this isn’t what I’m talking about).

I’m talking about if you’re NOT in a bad - not just slightly uncomfortable - but BAD, financially tight, thrifty, constantly stressed situation where its honestly a Sophie’s fucking Choice trying to decide if you’re gonna shell out your money for the sequel you’ve been waiting on pins and needles for for a fucking year and its been the only thing getting you through some days....or if you’re gonna like, eat today....

THAT’S when I have no patience for your piracy, specifically. Not when it comes to novels and the bottom lines of individual, hard-working authors, most of whom have to spend their lunch hours or come home after work to soak their blood, sweat and tears into the manuscript that becomes the book you just pirated. I know what I said about indie comic book creators having it so much more fucking tough than anyone else knows or realizes, but that doesn’t mean that midlist and lower than that authors don’t work DAMN fucking hard on their product, even after working forty hour weeks at some minimum wage job that’s every bit as soul-crushing as the worst job you’ve ever held.

And you’re not a fucking rebel or revolutionary if you’re taking money out of THEIR pocket, when you don’t need it yourself, just because you can. You’re not sticking it to the man, or teaching greedy capitalist publishing pigs the error of their ways. They don’t care, and you’re just being a dick.

Entitlement isn’t always a bad thing, I believe, because we ARE all entitled to certain things. A broke, disabled person with transportation issues and disability benefits that aren’t even enough to cover their actual living expenses is IMO every bit as ENTITLED as anyone else to a nice, stress-free, enjoyable read they picked out because it was precisely what they were looking for and not because it was the only thing out of ten available options that looked halfway decent. I will never ever judge or condemn or disparage someone for pirating in a scenario even REMOTELY close to that.

But that doesn’t mean that gratuitous entitlement doesn’t always exist, and isn’t obnoxious as fuuuuuuuuuuck. You’re not entitled to whatever you want, whenever you want, for as little as you feel like paying for it, just because you WANT it. And just because you can GET it, consequence free. If THAT’S the defining motivation or influence behind pirating the debut novel of a single mom working sixty hours a week to support her kids PLUS hanging onto her dreams and pounding out her novel over the course of a year and a half on her lunch hour.....then yeah, you fucking suck, and you know it, you whiny little shit who identifies with this paragraph and goes "who me? YOU DONT KNOW MY LIFE!” Yeah, I do. We all know someone like you. You’re not special.

Just like I know that author profile I just described there was not grabbed out of my ass, but describes someone very real and not at all embellished, and she’s not even the author I know in the most stressful scenario-whilst-writing. She certainly wouldn’t even consider herself in the Top Ten. And her publisher passed on the option for her sophomore novel, because her much-pirated book never made back the $25,000 advance she was paid over the course of three installments, which meant after taxes, she got an extra $10,000 bucks spread out among three eight month intervals, or just under two years.

So yeah. That’s where I fall. Soundly in the same camp I fall in most things: Actions have consequences, and you should always make an effort to be informed on what those consequences are before deciding whether or not you take action.

Let’s be real, no one’s effectively policing whether or not every individual consumer on the web pirates casually, extensively, or religiously, if at all. Its not likely EVER going to be an issue for you. That someone can actually keep you from pirating because you’re genuinely afraid of legal consequences.

But you shouldn’t need the threat of legal consequences, the question of can I get away with this or not, to police your own actions.

And at the risk of giving anyone whiplash, I for sure don’t give a fuck about the legality of taking away from the bottom line of massive, multi-million dollar corporate interests if I can get away with it. I’m just as entitled to keeping my five bucks that I worked DAMN FUCKING HARD FOR, as the people most likely to see that money even though they didn’t log a single actual hour on producing the content they’re charging five bucks for, IMO. I’m perfectly aware there’s a shit ton of people who’d call that rationale self-serving bullshit and hypocritical, but bite my lily-white Irish ass, I don’t give a fuck. I’m comfortable with my own morality.

But part of the reason I’m comfortable with my own morality, is that it tells me that even though there are times when I think I’m entitled to certain things I can’t necessarily afford, there are also times when I know I’m NOT entitled to things I may just not WANT to afford. Any time you’re able to justify ALWAYS having things your way without it ever costing you any kind of concession, I think that’s usually a good sign it might be time to stop and take a second look at yourself. Nobody gets to have everything their own way, to their best liking, all of the time.

But the flip side of that coin IMO, is that nobody should be penalized to NEVER having anything their own way, to their liking, ANY of the time. And if that’s the situation you’re in at some point in your life, and pirating’s the only available option to giving yourself a break from your regular monotony or currently-shitty-reality? Like, who the fuck am I to tell you not to pirate that feel good book or movie that has the chance to let you go to bed later with an actual smile on your face for a change? Who the fuck is anybody to tell you that?

*Shrugs*

There’s my two cents: The Ten Volume and Unnecessarily Long Saga.

[suredahlia-arc]

hello hello ! i’m daisy ( 19 // est // she/her ) and my mind has been tricked by florence into thinking it’s 7am when it’s actually,, 4:30pm. i’m in the mountains so we shouldn’t be having it as hard as other places, but everyone is still worried abt falling trees and such ! all my suitemates decided to go be storm-chasers ( every single one of them ? ), so i could be living my best life rn, but i’d rather be writing up an intro for a character i have tried to play over four times then the rp died after,, like,, a day. bless. more below !!

♪ { MARINA DIAMANDIS. FEMALE. MARINA (AND THE DIAMONDS). }Oh shit. Is that BUY THE STARS by DAHLIA ANGELIS on the radio right now?! I stan, omg. SHE’S that INDIE-POP solo artist who’s TWENTY-SEVEN years old. They’ve been in the game for EIGHT YEARS and have THREE ALBUMS out right now. I think they’re very VERSATILE and INTUITIVE, but for some reason they come off as OBSESSIVE and CYNICAL in the tabloids. You mind if I turn this up? daisy. 19. est. she/her.

first, i feel inclined to say why i put “and the diamonds” in parentheses bc without context i either look super uninformed or like a total douchebag?? basically she’s going by just “marina” now but i didn’t know how wide-spread that knowledge was yet and technically all of her work still has “and the diamonds” so i was like “hm. parentheses.” and there’s ur explanation ! onto the intro:

BACKSTORY

TRIGGERS: extreme misogyny, brief mention of gaslighting/emotional abuse, briefly implied physical abuse

so i have been waiting to play a bitch inspired by the stepford wives for forever. if i ever actually finished books that weren’t assigned, wbk i’d read that bitch. but we settle for the 1975 movie. there’s ur preface.

i often get way too caught up in the story of the parents and wind up making just intros like,,, a novella, so i’m gonna do my best to skim over them and go more in-depth when i write the bio later on!!

so dahlia’s mom is inspired by neely “i’m a BIG STAR!” o’hara from ‘the valley of the dolls’ and her dad is, ofc, inspired by walter “no fun quotes or super extra™ monologues” everhart from, you guessed it, ‘the stepford wives (1975)’

just as a very brief explanation as to why “i’m a BIG STAR” wound up in the neighborhood she would, typical fall from glory, first manager whisked her away, “fell in love”, moved to a neighborhood where 95% of the women only found joy in cooking and cleaning

maybe if you HAD a fucking business...

i’ve made this joke so many times i’ve memorized this entire scene.

only one person irl has ever genuinely laughed.

it was my mom.

through a series of gaslighting, emotional manipulation, and groupthink, dahlia’s father gradually got her mother to buy into all of it and have strong opinions on the best laundry detergent.

so this was a strange place to raise a child, amirite ? i mean, you got women discussing tide vs. bounty while baking cake, you got men being treated like kings – we over here in the stereotypical 1950s. 

they stanned super small neighborhoods in wales, but should they have ?

so she had a very skewed idea of what was acceptable and what wasn’t. the boys were treated extremely “boys will be boys!” like – like... more than they are when we talk abt the problem with that sentence – and the girls were all wives in training.

it was acceptable for boys and men alike to do whatever they wanted without asking the other. it was acceptable for boys and men alike to complain over anything they wanted. it was acceptable for boys and men to do all of these things that, if we heard about them today, we’d be like “jail??” or, at the very least “leave.”

it was all good and well though!! but one of the four (4) duties dahlia’s mother had was taking care of the child (the other three were cooking, cleaning, and pleasing)

you see, she was used to dahlia’s father blowing things out of proportion when it came to herself – it was normal and healthy!! but she was not used to him blowing things out of proportion on their child, aka dahlia (you see, this is what happens when i start talking about the parents too much)

the first time just warranted a brief “hey, maybe don’t.” the second time warranted a conversation that ended poorly. third warranted an empty threat of leaving that ended poorly. fourth warranted an actual threat that ended poorly. fifth and a bitch was like “ok where r we and how do we get out!!”

after finding her way out, she settled with dahlia in a rly crummy motel, but what else are u gonna do when u only have the few dollars u managed to steal from ur guy??

y’all see i’m already talking in perspective of the parents i hate myself

so dahlia’s mom phoned so many old friends and relatives. unfortunately, as a previous neely “the whole WORLD loves me!!” o’hara who just seemed to drop off the face of the earth, almost everyone was like “bitch tf no you ain’t stayin here”

the last person she phoned was her mom, aka dahlia’s grandmother, down in athens. reluctantly, a bitch was like “fine.”

so dahlia was ~13 by now. her mom found work as a maid bc she was rly good at cleaning and also had no clue how she would ever get a good acting career back (although, mind you, you know a bitch went out for some community theater plays). her grandmother was able to live off the inheritance her late husband, dahlia’s grandfather, left behind – however, she also had a work ethic that drove her to just... do whatever she deemed the right thing to do at the time. 

an old woman doing some odd jobs?? you know it!!

dahlia learned how to speak greek which is great bc you know what?? i duolingo’d that bitch and that owl is a jerk who wouldn’t let me get past “ο άντρας” even tho i spelled it!! right!! i had so many ppl compare what i spelled and what the answer was and i’m still bitter!! 

anyway.

so like,, wbk a bitch has some unresolved problems. when you grow up in the equivalent of stepford (copyright 1972, ira levin), you gonna have some things to work thru!!

but she was also basically trained by that community to keep everything inward??

this is a musician rp so you know what she did??

SHE TAUGHT HERSELF TO PLAY PIANO AND WROTE SONGS!!

was a myspace queen tbh. technically speaking, she has more work out there than the three listed albums (i mean, we got mermaid v. sailor, the crown jewels, etc., etc., bUT)

decided “bitch i’m gonna make smth of this” and,,, did. so when she was 19 ‘the family jewels’ was released and,, like,, she decided “wow time to go be an american!!! i love bald eagles!!!”

so i figure the rest is kind of history?? i think i’ll be going in chronological order with the albums (in that a few years after that ‘electra heart’ was released, then ‘froot’, then a hiatus which we do NOT stan, then coming back with a leak ksksksks. BUT i may switch up electra and froot i’m not quite sure yet??)

ya! 

PERSONALITY

VERSATILE: ok so she never really does things quite the same ? alexa, play ‘can’t pin me down’ by marina (and the diamonds) dahlia angelis. musically speaking, she really loves experimenting with different sounds. overall, she is still considered indie-pop, but we had some good new-wave pop in ‘the family jewels’, we had some good electropop in ‘electra heart’, we had some good general versatility in ‘froot’ (compare the song ‘froot’ to ‘immortal’ like we were boppin then we were havin an existential crisis). does not like keeping things the same in her music. does not like being compared to other artists bc?? everyone!! is different!! generally speaking, she’s just a very?? open person?? not as in emotionally open, open book – all that, as in willing to try pretty much anything?? as long as it’s not her actual routine, if a wrench is thrown in her plans, a bitch don’t care as long as the wrench ain’t smth dumb. here for a good time, not a long time.

INTUITIVE: ok so she got really into trying to read people and tbh psychoanalyze them ( alexa, play ‘savages’ by marina (and the diamonds) dahlia angelis ) after leaving that. town. with a name she doesn’t even recall?? wbk a bitch would speak up abt it if she could so that all of the women could be fckin saved but she j doesn’t remember anything abt it!! other than the environment in general!! what’s the name?? besides somewhere in wales, what’s the location?? she doesn’t know!! mainly bc i don’t!! and also for the sake of her not actually saying anything abt it willingly!! anyway!! she really does her best to read people and situations in order to analyze like?? the safety aspect, the other person’s stance, etc. doesn’t always work, but she tries. is pretty good at it, but no pro.

OBSESSIVE: ok so y’all see up there me talking abt routines?? there are two (2) ways in which girly is obsessive. first, a literal manner. routines that need to be done so the world doesn’t fall apart. i mean, we stan obscured brain chemistry, but we also stan horrible environments that just exacerbate it, even into adulthood, in the end ( alexa, play ‘obsessions’ by marina (and the diamonds) dahlia angelis. ) (also, i feel i should clear the possible iffy-ness this would have by saying that i’ve got ocd and will, therefore, be portraying it in a manner similar to mine so that it doesn’t come across as offensive to anyone else who may have a different form?? but most of the ‘routines’ won’t be very prominent in interactions). second, music!! when she gets started on a new project, -the mask vc- try ta’ stop [her]! -end vc- . will live in the studio until everything is complete and perfect. will spend her free time writing lyrics she knows she’ll never use bc?? why not?? gotta get that practice in!! can also apply to any other project types, but ofc the main ones would be music related so??

CYNICAL: ok. who’s gonna have a positive worldview after growing up where she did?? ( alexa, play ‘hermit the frog’ by marina (and the diamonds) dahlia angelis ) who’s gonna stan that?? that said, there is not a single genuinely good person in this world ( alexa, play ‘savages’ by marina (and the diamonds) dahlia angelis again ) if u ask her like?? not only did she already have that view after coming to her senses but?? now she knows about terrorists, about people from the usa who are SUPPOSED to be the good guys killing innocent ppl from ‘enemy territories’ for fun, ppl assaulting and killing minorities just bc they’re not like them, etc., etc., etc. convinced no one is inherently good. rly has a love/hate relationship with life ksksksks

HEADCANONS

a lot of these kind of tie into personality tbh?? 

literally knows everything about every cleaning product ever. ask her about the pros and cons of any and she will tell you. she’ll also tell you when it was manufactured, the ceo of the company that created it at the time, what went in it to make it, etc., etc., etc. knows so much.

kind of going off of that, actually really good at cooking and baking?? she rarely does it willingly, but will make a hell of a chocolate soufflé.

TRIGGER: IMPLIED SEXUAL ASSAULT -  i don’t want to go too far into this bc it’s very triggering content to many ppl (and even to ppl who it isn’t, it’s j?? not good.), but.... i mean.... the boys in her formative environment were literally encouraged to do whatever they wanted and they didn’t need permission?? END TRIGGER.

i have a whole-ass routine already figured out. there are a lot of facets obviously, so i’ll just mention a few?? but count them all as one headcanon to be fair. 

sets an alarm to get into bed at 1:11am bc it’s a good number but 11:11 is usually too early. sets an alarm for 11:11am to wake her up. will chill in bed if she’s awake before then but it has yet to go off. only exceptions are when she’s working on something she deems urgent.

that said, good numbers are 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 10, 11, 12, 14, 16, 17, 18, 21, etc. no rhythm to it, but i wasn’t gonna go?? up until?? infinity??

if there are two doors that are both available to be opened and closed (aka not one of those “enter through this one, exit through this one”), will always enter through the right and exit through the left. 

we don’t stan sidewalk cracks!!

a lot of superstition plays into these. but?? loves black cats. they’re chill.

i have a stats page coming that has more so!!

during the eh era, be it the last one or the one before that, decided to method act while she was still writing the songs ksksksks. that’s going to go into some of her more specific connections.

a bitch will both fight and not fight. got ‘the family jewels’ attitude back and we stan!!

was obviously able to write the ‘housewife’ archetype songs from her own personal experience ksksksks. didn’t rly have to dive into the stereotype. j knew it already.

more?? later??

CONNECTION IDEAS

so i have a few specific ones that are attached to a different blog (u kno one of the ones that died) that i’ll be moving over here, but here are some of the ones that stuck out more than others – also, all are open to any gender!:

UPDATE: wc page is here!

during the eh era while she was ‘method acting’ (we hate.), she knew this muse was in a relationship but was still like?? “hey let’s go have a meaningless ons” bc we stan "homewrecker”! (can have a number of muses!!)

a relationship that really didn’t work out in the end. the other kept trying to make things better so they would stay together. inspired by “buy the stars” (one muse)

the first celebrity whose discography or filmography she got really into before moving to america. would’ve had to have been around for longer than eight years. slightly inspired by “hollywood” (one muse)

ok this one. makes me laugh. literally just someone who always gets her mistaken for someone else – it doesn’t even have to look like her. 100% inspired by “hollywood” ( oh my god! you look just like shakira! no, no – you’re catherine zeta! ) (open to two muses)

she’s not known for a good reputation, but she’s also not known for a bad one. this muse wants to turn her to the dark side and make her become everything she never wanted to be?? so very similar to ‘the bad influence’ connection, j w/ a slightly different connotation on dahlia’s end. inspired by “oh no!” (open to two muses)

these bitches were either friends or love interests once, but things fell apart (either mutually or on the other’s side like?? i don’t want to godmod but for the song’s sake). dahlia is,, bad abt forgiveness,, but there have been enough apologies. inspired by “forget” (open to one muse)

dahlia has a very keen interest in this person. whether it’s infatuation or literally just interest, god only knows! obviously goes deeper than that but i’m horrible at explanations. suffice it to say, inspired by “immortal”

ok!! so now j some general ones!!

best friend

ride or die

drinking buddy

fwb

ons

exes

enemies for whatever reason

frenemies

collab partner

muse for any of her songs?

etc., etc., etc. !

LIKE THIS OR HMU IF U WOULD LIKE TO PLOT !

u can also find me on discord @ john donne’s whore #5590

[lolbtsaus]

Oath (Werewolf!Jungkook)

Plot: A relationship between hunter!reader and werewolf!Jungkook

Part: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty, Epilogue

Word Count: 1585

A/N: so here is part fifteen, we have about six more parts left !! I’m so so happy you guys are enjoying this series as much as I am bc honestly this has been one of my favorite things I’ve ever written and it’s so easy to be able to just write all I want with one plot and queue it all up so I don’t have to worry about it when I’m in school or have something important to do so I’m definitely gonna be doing another series but for now, the link for this is werewolf!Jungkook (here)

It was painfully quiet in the apartment, the lack of separate rooms making it even more obvious that Jungkook was ignoring you. You couldn’t even attempt to count the amount of the times you’d tried to apologize, to explain, only to be met with distant comments about how you were right to do it, how he didn’t judge you for it. He kept saying he wasn’t mad at you but a part of you wished he was because the only other reason he would act so coldly was because he was hurt. You wished it was something as simple as anger, anger fades, pain can scar.

He had been sleeping on the couch for the past two weeks, the both of you waiting until your lease was up before you could go back to Busan, where he promised he’d “leave you alone.” You weren’t sure if that was his way of breaking up with you, if the two of you were even still together at all. He still said those three words back to you when you said them to him, he still let you hug him but he never returned the affection. He didn’t kiss you, he didn’t hold you, even on the rainy days. It had rained a week into the cold shoulder he’d been giving you and you had gotten your hopes up, hoping you would be able to come home to see him there, to convince him to let you hold him, to comfort him when you knew he needed it the most. But you’d walked into an empty apartment, a note on the fridge saying he’d gone out to the store, and to not wait up.

It was hard to find time to explain everything to him when your work schedules got in the way, with him staying over his hours, when he already worked so much of the day. You were convinced he was doing it on purpose because he always made sure he came in when you were either just about to fall asleep or already had done so and he always made sure he was still asleep when you were getting ready to leave. It was frustrating to say the least, having him so close but so far, constantly slipping out of your fingers just as you were grabbing on.

You almost didn’t hear his voice, caught in another night of restless sleep but you’d heard the whimper. Your move out day was the next day, meaning, according to Jungkook, it would be the last day of you two being together. The thought made another round of tears well up in your eyes but you’d cried enough for a year and now your mind was more concerned with what was wrong with him. You eyed the moon, noting that although it was close to being full, it wasn’t quite there yet, you still had a few days before his shift would hit, he’d be back in Busan by then, back with his pack. You rubbed at your eyes as you pushed yourself onto your feet, stumbling in the direction of the couch in a sleepy daze.

He was already sat up, ignoring your approaching figure as he held his head in his hands, his fingers dug into his hair. He felt your head on his shoulder, your arms wrapping around him but he stayed still, not flinching away from your touch but definitely not leaning into it.

“Were you really going to use that thing on me?” he finally asked, his voice quiet, as if he didn’t really want to ask it, didn’t want to know. “Were you really that afraid of me? This entire time?”

Your second anniversary was coming up, making it even more painful for him. His longest relationship, his only serious one that actually went beyond the first date, crumpling right in front of him. He didn’t have experience with this part, with heartbreak. He wasn’t sure how to act around you anymore, if he should pretend to hate you, if he should pretend he couldn’t stand you. Would that make it easier for both of you, to end it with anger?

“No, never. You have to believe that much, you know me too well for me to lie to you. I honestly just forgot it was in there, I left my sword with them, I’m turning the pin when I get home."

"Can I see it? The pin?”

You looked at him in confusion before finding your bag and digging through it until you found it pinned to the front of a leather notebook. “It’s silver so you can’t touch it but you can look at it all you want.”

“It means something to you?”

You sat down next to him again, letting him take the notebook to observe the pin. “As a hunter, it represents that I’ve sworn the oath but I don’t believe any of the oath anymore so I don’t know."

“What was the oath?”

“Kill to protect. Kill any werewolf you see to protect the people around you from ever getting a chance at encountering one.”

“You guys really don’t like us don’t you?”

“It’s not ‘you guys,’ it’s them.” you reminded him gently, wanting to make sure he knew that you no longer felt the way they did. “But yeah, they don’t like you, at all. I never thought of werewolves as...”

“Human?”

You smiled sheepishly, a silent apology to him. “Yeah, they always said you were more wolf than human. That you were monsters, mindless killers. They never gave us much information about werewolves other than how to kill them.  Werewolves were the bad guys and we were the good guys, the kind hearted heroes who were so amazing for risking their lives to save innocent people. And then I met you and I saw there was an entire other side of the story I had never been told. And now I realize they were killing innocent people.”

“So you think we’re innocent? That I’m innocent?”

“You are far from innocent but I don’t think you’re a monster.” you teased, sensing the mood of the conversation lightening.

He gave you the first smile you’d seen on his face in the past two weeks, his head leaning down to gently bump against yours, before his face turned serious again. “What are you going to do when we get back to Busan?”

“They’ll want me to kill you. They won’t do it, they’re too afraid of your pack, of your father, to do it. They know if they kill you, they can kiss the truce goodbye. But if I do it, they can cover it up easier. So I basically have to resign and run.”

“But your family...”

“Will understand. My family was never very into hunting anyways, it was always a side job to us, my parents prefer their day job. If I explain it to them, they’ll eventually come around to the idea, maybe not right away but soon enough.”

“You’d really leave? For me?”

“For you, yes, but also because I don’t want to have to kill innocent people. I refuse to kill you, I couldn’t do it in my worst dreams.”

“Isn’t that what you were raised to do?”

“I was also raised to never talk to werewolves, never associate myself with them and here I am, doing a whole lot more than associating with one. And you were raised to be afraid of hunters but I don’t think you find me very scary.”

You got another laugh, making you feel like things could be okay again if you kept being patient. You could tell he wasn’t as upset anymore but he still seemed a bit hesitant, unsure of how to handle the relationship now. You could see his fingers make an attempt to cover yours on the couch before retreating again, his eyes finding a fascination with something on the floor. You made the first move, the same way you had when your relationship had been just a mutual crush, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek.

That one touch seemed to break down all of the barriers he had up, his lips soon meeting yours. You had always been your happiest when you were in his arms but that night was different. You had been forced to remember what it was like to not have those arms to run into, to not be able to just hold him and let the stress of the day roll off of your shoulders, to not be able to comfort him when he needed it. It was the first time Jungkook had been genuinely hurt by you, though it had all been a misunderstanding, and you knew you never wanted it to happen again.

As you felt his fingers tracing your facial features, the look of love replacing the hurt in his eyes as his eyes moved with his fingers, you felt like the two of you would be okay. You had no idea what would be waiting for you when you returned to Busan but you knew you’d have him next to you during all of it and that was enough to calm your mind. And as you peppered kisses onto his fingertips, getting that beautiful smile onto his face, all of your worries were pushed into the back of your mind. In that moment, all that mattered was keeping that smile on his face, keeping him happy. The rest could wait for tomorrow.

[tenscupcake]

the null hypothesis (3/?)

fitzsimmons. teen. ~3.9k this ch. woo! a fast update this time. hopefully i can stay on a good schedule with ep so i can keep that up. i seriously just want to post the whole fic rn bc i love it so much. hope you guys enjoy. summary: roughly one out of every six people can't feel touch; that is, until their soulmate touches them. fitz and jemma are two indignant contributors to that statistic, content to devote their lives to science rather than searching for their supposed 'other half.' both too clever for high school, they head off to university at sixteen, completely unaware their fates are about to become intertwined. but in a world where soulmates don't always match, it's not always easy to confess to a stranger. a soulmate au with a twist. this chapter on ao3 | back to chapter 1 on ao3

As much as Jemma wanted to enjoy her first week at Uni, for the most part it’s been profoundly boring. By Friday, she’s finished the reading and assignments for the next two weeks, even started on projects that haven’t been assigned yet. There’s only one class where she actually learns a few things the first week: physical chemistry. Relatively speaking, it’s always been one of her weak points. 

The non-science, general education requirements on her schedule this semester have got to be the worst: world history and psychology. Two subjects that, admittedly, she hadn’t taken courses or AP exams for during her high school/community college years, too busy filling out her schedule with as many biology and biochemistry courses as she could. But in retrospect, she really should have gotten some of these out of the way early. The subject matter mostly feels like common knowledge. She’s learned everything they’ve covered so far just by visiting a couple of museums, watching the occasional documentary on National Geographic, and having bloody common sense.

Still, the most boring course of all has got to be general chemistry. Now there’s a class where the syllabus contains nothing she hasn’t learned already. But the university simply wouldn’t let her transfer those particular credits from community college. What a waste.

She’s hoping her major-specific courses will pick up a bit as the semester goes on: microbiology and genetics. In fact, she’s confident they will; it just happens that the first week entails a substantial amount of review of basic biological concepts.

More than anything else about attending university, she was looking forward to the labs: a chance to apply some of the skills she’s acquired. As it’s uncommon to let prepubescent children play with caustics or BSL-II microbes, there haven’t been many appropriate settings to practice her laboratory skills. It was always her favourite part of her community college courses, so she’s positive that the absence of labs during the first week of class is contributing to her sense of disappointment.

So, going into the second week when the lab portions of her courses will finally be meeting, her hopes are still high.

Her first one of the week is Gen Chem, Tuesday afternoon. Though it’s the least stimulating science course by far, she walks into the chemistry building with purpose and optimism. Though it’s unlikely any of the concepts will be new to her, perhaps she can learn a new laboratory technique or two.

She’s the first person into the lab, aside from the TA, and she takes a seat near the front of the room, against the wall, ready to tackle whatever protocol they throw at her.

But when turns to the page in the lab manual that’s written on the whiteboard, it takes everything in her not to sigh.

Reactions of copper.

How utterly elementary.

Still, the lab portion of the course is not optional. She pulls out one of several fresh lab notebooks from her backpack, designates it with a label for CHEM100A, and starts writing out the title, objective, and methods anyway.

The rest of the students in the section slowly trickle in as it gets closer to the class start time, and Jemma grows increasingly anxious as they all pair up with one another without hesitation. Roommates, met at orientation, knew each other in high school: whatever the backstory between the pairs may be, they all seem to already know each other. Jemma should have expected as much. Being a minor, she’s not allowed to have a roommate, but even if it weren’t against university rules, who would want to room with a teenager? And, in the same vein, who would want to have one as a lab partner? None of them know her, or the fact that she’s nothing like a typical sixteen-year-old.

She finds herself torn. On one hand, she hoping there’s an odd number of students in the class, because she’ll probably finish the experiment faster on her own. But on the other, she sort of hopes it’s an even number. Even if she has to spend all three hours in here with a chemistry amateur, perhaps she can make a friend. That’s one thing she desperately needs.

But the minute hand on the clock ticks to two, and the TA leading the lab starts his introductory spiel on laboratory safety before anyone takes the empty stool next to hers. She supposes it’s for the best.

As the TA – Jason, his name is – rambles on, Jemma’s thoughts take a turn for the worse. What if he notices she’s alone, and decides to rope her into another established group of two, turning her into the world’s worst third wheel? (Well, chemistry-wise, she’d probably get all of the work done, but socially speaking, a third wheel.)

But at eight minutes past, before she can dread such a possibility any longer, an out of sight door swings open, and someone comes stumbling in.

With all the shelves and ventilation shafts above the benches, she can’t properly see them, can only vaguely see a figure and hear their shuffling feet and panting breaths, as though they’ve been running. She wonders whether there’s an unpaired student across the lab after all, an empty seat out of her sight that the late stranger will occupy.

But the mystery person circles around to the front of the lab, heading straight for the TA in his search for an empty stool. He’s a pasty-looking bloke with short, curly hair, a striped tie in glaring contrast to the chequered shirt tucked into his kahki trousers. His fair cheeks are flushed pink, and he’s quite out of breath, presumably from running here. He looks so… young. Like he should still be in high school.

What sort of college student runs to class?

“I just finished explaining to the rest of the class,” Jason addresses the late boy. “Being more than five minutes late to a lab means you can’t participate in that lab, and you’ll have to take a zero. You’re all right for today. But starting next week, be on time or don’t come at all.”

“Yes, sir,” the boy responds, barely audible to her. She thinks she sees him roll his eyes.

“Anyone missing a partner?” Jason raises his voice, addressing the entire lab, and Jemma’s stomach sinks.

The boy pauses at the front of the lab, glancing around. Oh, brother. Like Jason hasn’t already seen her sitting by herself? Must he draw the entire section’s attention to the fact that she has no friends?

Holding her breath, she tentatively raises her hand, only just next to her face. Hoping that at least the students on the other end of the lab won’t see her, or have this introductory memory of her. The boy takes a deep breath as though he’s disappointed, and ducks his head as he hurries to the empty stool beside her.

“Excellent,” the professor exclaims. “The two young geniuses get to work together. This’ll be interesting.”

Huh? ‘Two young geniuses?’ Is he her age, after all?

Her gut instinct is to be excited. Someone else her age might be nice, an opportunity to make a friend. But right now, she can’t seem to maintain any level of excitement about the boy now approaching her. He clearly doesn’t have the same priorities. Late to the first laboratory? Rolling his eyes like he’s too good to be here? She doesn’t need a smart arse.

He slumps onto his seat, dropping his backpack so loudly it drowns out a couple of Jason’s next words. Not that it matters; she’s already written down the entire protocol and she’s well aware of both OSHA and university laboratory safety guidelines, thanks very much.

The irresponsible mystery boy rushes to catch up, scrambling to put on his coat and gloves, and pulling out a notebook and pen, scribbling down the protocol in chicken scratch. She looks away, realizing she shouldn’t care what his handwriting looks like.

It’s only a couple more minutes before Jason gives them permission to begin, and Jemma sighs while the rest of the students hastily rise to collect their materials. Her partner isn’t quite ready yet.

She supposes she should give him a second chance, though. He could have an excellent reason for being late, aside from laziness. A car accident, a sick grandfather. She should give him the benefit of the doubt. After all, she’s stuck with him for sixteen weeks now.

“I’m Jemma,” she offers with a smile. “Simmons,” she adds. Pausing his mad scribbling, he glances over at her in surprise.

“Leo,” he replies. Putting far less effort into his returning smile, he turns back to his notebook. “Fitz,” he adds.

“Right then, Leo,” she says, not caring if he’s finished or not. No time to waste. “I’ll get the reagents. You can get the other supplies.” She heads for the table at the opposite corner of the room where their reagents have been pre-prepared without giving him time to respond.  

It’s one of the hardest things she’s ever done, watching these technically-adults try to use the safety pump on the nitric acid. She barely stops one of them from using the same pipet for sodium hydroxide as sulphuric acid, and another from diluting their acid solution by adding water to it. “Acid to water, never water to acid!” she can’t help but shout, and it captures the attention of the roaming TA. As Jason approaches to give the hapless student a repeat lecture on safe practices for corrosives, Jemma seizes her window to access the reagent bottles she needs.

When she returns to the other end of the room, Leo already has a pre-1982 penny, a hot plate, a crucible, and extra glassware set up in their fume hood. She’s not sure how he found everything so quickly. He missed the walkthrough of where each of the items were located in the lab.

“Found everything all right, then?” she asks.

“Hard to misplace a hot plate,” he quips.

Oh. He’s Scottish, then.

In an instant, she finds her heart softening to him a bit. It was not easy transferring here during high school, and she can’t help but wonder whether he just moved here. His accent seems unmistakeable now. She doesn’t know how she didn’t notice it before. Not expecting it, she supposes. She can’t remember ever meeting a Scottish person since she moved to America. Assuming he was American, she thought he just had an unusual pronunciation of his name. But glancing over at his now-closed notebook resting on the lip of the hood, she sees ‘Leo Fitz’ and finds herself thinking it’s a bit cute. Fitz.

Her curiosity gets the better of her.

“Not from around here, I’m guessing?” she asks as she places the penny in one of the beakers he got.

“Glasgow,” he answers, pouring the correct volume reagent into the beaker without being prompted, with neither a splash nor a dribble.

“Sheffield,” she volunteers, spirits lifted that so far he’s not completely incompetent at chemistry.

He’s not terribly talkative yet, and she’s not sure whether to chalk it up to nerves or an ego. But she can’t help trying to engaging him a little more; it’d be so nice to have a friend her age.

“What’s your opinion of America so far?” she ventures as they watch their penny dissolve.

“Lives up to the stereotypes.”

She chuckles. She could say the same thing.

Still, it’s not the detailed answer she’d hoped for. There’s got to be some way to get this boy to talk, but she’s not sure how to find it out. She surreptitiously looks to his backpack and the lanyard sitting at his station, but they’re both utterly plain and black, no stickers or themes to be found. She’s starting to second guess whether she wants to be friends with him at all.

To her surprise, after the following step, he asks her a question.

“When’d you move here?”

“About three years ago, now.”

“Hmm. Me too.” As though it’s a trivial thing, immigrating to a new country.

“Though we didn’t move here, specifically to New Jersey, I mean,” she qualifies. “My parents are in Los Angeles.”

“Ah,” Fitz nods. “Yeah, my... my mum, she’s in New York.”

“How old are you?” she asks, since the can of worms has been opened now.

“Sixteen,” he says, shrugging just slightly like he’s a bit proud of himself.

“Seriously?” she asks, not able to help herself from beaming at him a bit.

“Seriously.” He nods.

“I am too,” she says. “Couldn’t stand another day of high school,” she adds.

He chuckles a bit, at that. And though she doesn’t understand why, Jemma finds herself quite happy she’s at least capable of making him laugh.

They’re both quiet as they carry on the next step of the experiment. Jemma is more impressed by the minute at Fitz’s knack for chemistry. She doesn’t know if she could’ve asked for a better partner. Despite being late and having hardly any time to read the manual, he seems to have memorized the protocol. He helps her setup each new step before she has to ask.

“What’s your major?” she asks, trying to sound as casual as possible, if only because she doesn’t want to seem desperate for someone to talk to.

“Engineering.”

Of course. A numbers bloke. It’s all math and physics to them, it’s no wonder he can barely hold a conversation.

“Biochem,” she counters, without prompting.

Despite their mismatched fields of study, they work surprisingly well together. Still, worried they may not have much curriculum in common outside this wretched lab, she narrows her inquiries into ones strictly related to it.

“When are Dr. White’s office hours, again?” she asks. Just to get the ball rolling.

“Er… I dunno,” he responds, looking at her like she’s mad for asking. “Isn’t that in the syllabus?”

She tries a different avenue a few minutes later.

“Have you done the textbook readings yet?” He probably doesn’t need to read it, from the looks of it, but perhaps they can discuss how easy this course is together. Have a laugh at the first chapter of the text explaining the properties of water.

It takes him a moment to answer. “I’ve sort of been busy with other classes, actually.”

Jemma is growing frustrated. The more she tries to engage with him, the more he seems like a self-absorbed knob.

“Yeah,” she says, nodding along. “Me too.” In an attempt to salvage her dignity, she adds: “Never know what could show up on an exam, though.”

Discouraged, she decides to makes one final school-related attempt.

“Have you been to the library yet? Or logged onto the online database? There’s more journal subscriptions than I could ever read. Molecular biology, physiology, pharmacology… and I know they’ve got lots of engineering ones, too.”

“I’ve been meaning to but, not yet.” He pauses, taking a deep breath. “The truth is, I spend most of my free time working on projects of my own.”

“Really?” Whether or not he meant it, she interprets it as him throwing her a bone. “Like what?”

“Well, right now I’m working on this sort of, drone. It’s multifunctional. Designed to gather intel in places that are too dangerous for humans. Contamination sites, outer space, that sort of thing.”

Here it is. This is what will get him talking. She should’ve led with this, asking him about machines and things. She hasn’t heard him string together sentences like this the entire hour and a half she’s been by his side. And more than that: as he’s pouring sodium hydroxide and outlining the functions he has planned for his drone, she realizes he’s smiling as he does it. Properly smiling. She should steer the conversation toward engineering more often. His smile is quite lovely. And he’s clearly passionate about this project, and that’s something she can relate to. Perhaps their friendship isn’t doomed after all.

“Sounds fascinating,” she offers. “And you do that all on your own?”

“For the most part, yeah.”

He reciprocates by asking what sort of projects she’s been involved in for biochemistry. She decides to tell him about the pharmaceutical internship she did before she arrived here. She leaves out the fact that, due to her age and inexperience, she was not allowed to directly conduct any experiments and was instead responsible for dishes and paperwork, thinking the genius doesn’t need to know. It’s not quite fair, after all. The only reasons she doesn’t have a side project of her own at the moment are logistical in nature. It’s not as easy for a biochemist to keep their own experiments, unless she wants to go capture some animals and keep them in her dorm. Or grow a garden inside of it.

But just then, Jason walks up behind them and asks where they’re at.

“We’ve just finished precipitating the copper metal –” Jemma begins.

“We’re just about to dry the sample –” Leo begins at the same time. They glare over at each other, but neither truncates their sentence.

Jason merely laughs, and continues his rounds.

They can’t agree on how to collect the copper solids, either. They both want to go off-protocol for increased accuracy, but disagree on how. They end up flipping a second (undissolved) penny, and Jemma loses.

Jemma is starting to think it’d be a terrible idea for them to work together on anything outside the confines of this painfully easy laboratory. With more complicated problems, they’d surely find even bigger things to squabble about.

They finish up fairly quickly after that, without any more small-talk. They record the mass of their copper and turn in the carbon copies of their methods and observations.

But once again, they disagree on how to dispose of their leftover acids and bases. He wants to walk them over to the corrosive waste storage; she wants to neutralize them and place them in the general non-halogenated waste bin.

At least this time, Jemma wins the coin toss.

Once they’ve finished cleaning up, Jemma remembers the beginning of the lab. The fact that he walked in eight minutes late, and Jason’s stern reminder about not being able to participate in the future.

“I hope you don’t make a habit of being late,” she warns Leo, trying to sound stern. “It’s not only your grade that’s dependent on your punctuality.” She might be coming off a bit rude at this point, but she doesn’t care as much as she should. He’s been a bit rude on a few occasions already.

“Couldn’t find the building, that’s all,” he mumbles through his teeth, his face slowly going red.

It’s absolutely not the excellent excuse she anticipated, and Jemma isn’t pleased that he hasn’t given her any assurance he won’t be late in the future.

Still, as they take off their PPE and pack up their things, she starts to feel guilty about her brusqueness. She does have to spend dozens more hours with him in here, and he’s far from the worst lab partner she could have. He’s very clever, at least, and they completed the experiment without any errors or holdups.

“Looks like you guys make quite the team,” Jason says, coming up behind them by surprise again. “I’ll have to come up with some extra experimentation for you two next week, since this was clearly too easy for you.”

She definitely hears Leo sigh.

Jemma can’t let them leave them off like this.

“Well, it was nice meeting you, Fitz,” she says before either of them can leave.

It’s too late when she realizes she called him ‘Fitz’ instead of ‘Leo.’ He doesn’t comment on her fixation with his last name, and she’s too embarrassed to acknowledge the slip-up and correct herself.

“Yeah,” he says, slinging his backpack on. “You too.”

Before he can turn away, she holds out her hand in a gesture of goodwill. An olive branch.

“See you next week?” she says, gently smiling at him.

For a moment he’s frozen with surprise, just staring down at her hand. But eventually he reaches for her extended hand with an equally apologetic smile, almost as though he realizes they’ve both cocked it up a bit.

But as soon as his hand touches hers, she forgets about all that. Him stumbling in late, their disagreements, his thinly veiled irritation with her questions. Because this is not like any other handshake she’s ever had – a vague pressure deep under her skin to indicate the other person has squeezed her hand sufficiently hard.

This is so much more than that.

A million dead neurons resurrect beneath his hesitant touch, flooding her brain with signals it’s not nearly prepared to receive. Callouses on his palms from working with his hands too much, the layer of slick moisture coating their hands from hours of wearing gloves. Every individual metacarpophalangeal joint pressing into her palm, the whispers of hairs on the back of his hand against the pad of her thumb. The extra strength tucked away in his larger, thicker grip that really only comes from having ten times the circulating testosterone.

It’s him.

Oh, God, it’s him.

It doesn’t matter that he’s a reticent engineer, that he was late or that they seem to love to annoy and interrupt each other. Suddenly all that matters to Jemma is that this endearingly pasty hand feels like it was meant for hers. That this clever, slightly grumpy, painfully quiet boy is the soulmate she’s spent her life waiting for. The boy she’s supposed to be with forever.

She realizes she’s still staring down at their linked hands, and that this conciliatory handshake has gone on far too long. She glances back up to his face, to find him staring blankly down at her hand, too. When he meets her eyes it’s only a fraction of a second later, but it feels like a lifetime.

Okay. Don’t panic, she tells herself. Assess the situation.

But he doesn’t look like he’s just experienced what she has. She’s heard stories, watched films, even seen it with her own eyes a handful of times. There’s almost always shouting, squealing of some kind. But Fitz – damn it, Leo – is silent.

Suddenly, he yanks his hand away.

She inhales sharply at the rush of friction across her skin, sending zings all the way up her arm.

Paralysed with shock, all she can do is watch Fitz as his expression turns grave, like he’s both confused and disturbed by this lengthy episode of physical contact.

An image of Uncle Jeff still in tears over Aunt Emily six months after she’d left flashes in her mind.

This can’t be a match, either.

Tears welling up in her eyes, Jemma quickly concludes she can’t let on what’s just happened. He’d transfer himself to a different lab section in an instant if he found out.

But before she can figure out a way to improvise a professional farewell, he gives her a quick mumbled affirmative to whatever she’d asked (what was it???) and practically leaves skid marks on the linoleum as he turns around to head for the nearest exit door. In what seems like a fraction of a second, the door is slamming into its stopper and he’s out of sight.

[dailyaudiobible]

04/23/2019 DAB Transcript

Judges 1:1-2:9, Luke 21:29-22:13, Psalms 90:1-91:16, Proverbs 13:24-25

Today is the 23rd day of April. Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I am Brian. It is always, every day, a pleasure to be here with you around the global campfire taking the next step forward as we continue our journey through the Scriptures. And we finished the book of Joshua yesterday, which brings us to the book of Judges, which is what comes next after Joshua, but it's very different than either Joshua or Moses leadership.

Introduction to the book of Judges:

The book of Judges will lead us all the way to the times of the kings of the monarchy and that's where we'll be by the time we finish Judges. So, this book, Judges, traditionally was authored by the prophet Samuel. Many modern scholars don't really feel that he could have been the sole author of the book. They believe that many sources were drawn together because the book of Judges covers many generations with Samuel being the final judge. So, it makes sense that he would be involved in recounting Judges. And it’s a good time to point out that Judges isn't…like…it's mission isn't to talk about judgments, it's not the book of judgment, it's the book of Judges and the Judges were the people who were the leaders after Joshua. And, so, we’ll find that the time after Joshua, during the time of the judges, is a bit more somber than in the time of Joshua with all the drama and conquest. Judges is what comes next and we’re about to watch the children of Israel as they fall away and walk away from their covenantal relationship with God and suffer some of the consequences of that back-and-forth that becomes their story. So, in this book we will encounter 13 judges that led the children of Israel after Joshua. They didn’t have a king yet, as we’ve mentioned. And, so, they were the rulers. And the culminating story in the book of Judges illustrates how one thing builds on another, every decision bearing weight on a greater outcome and how little subtle decisions by seemingly unrelated and relatively unimportant people ended up bringing on the terrible annihilation of an entire tribe of Israel. So, the book of Judges was probably written somewhere around 1000 BC. So, it's obviously several thousand years ago, but ironically, we shouldn't have much of a problem finding ourselves in this book. It will resonate with all of our stories. We've all had the back-and-forth in our relationship with God. We've all been able to experience the joy of intimacy with God but some of the repercussions of allowing that relationship to falter and us willingly walk away from it. And at the same time, God doesn't ever not have His arms outstretched toward us asking us to come home. His words are never not return to me, come back. And, so, with that we begin. We’re reading from the English Standard version this week. Judges chapter 1 verse 1 through 2 verse 9.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for Your word, we thank You that as we continue through this week and moving our way day by day towards another month that You have been faithful to us every day and You have spoken to us in many deep ways and You are transforming us from within, from the inside outward and we thank You for that. And as we move into the book of Judges and we begin to see what comes next we ask, Holy Spirit, that You begin to help us see ourselves in these stories because we’ve watched the generations rise up and finally be able to go into the promised land and we will certainly see how the cultures all around them do in fact become a snare to them and what happens next. And, so, Father, You have brought us on this path and we have seen much. We don't want to go on that path anymore, the path that will lead us away from You, and we’ll see us walking away from You even as You're standing there with Your arms out saying, “don't do this.” We have done that many times. And, so, now as we enter into this territory in the Bible where we can see this happening to a whole people we ask that You make our own story clear to us. Come Holy Spirit we pray. In Jesus’ name we ask. Amen.

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And that is it for today. I’m Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Good morning family. It’s Mary Lynn from New Brunswick. It’s my first time calling on my mobile phone so…on my mobile device in the car so I apologize if it’s hard to hear me. I’m calling today to thank Lee. Lee, oh my goodness, your prayers for sloth, for procrastination. And basically, what I’m hearing is disobedience of any sort has really hit home this week. Our church also had a special event this past week and it was a prayer and worship night on Sunday night for the community to get together and believer miracles. Specifically praying for actual biblical type miracles and we were praying and worshiping, and it was an amazing night. And something strange happened to me that I, of course, did not obey and I procrastinated. I allowed to sloth to get the best of me. There were two young ladies sitting next to me in the front row, both in wheelchairs, and as we were praying I just felt almost unable to control myself by reaching over and touching one of the ladies and asking God to heal her and I fought a desperate like you would not believe, I refused to do it. I let sloth win and it has been on my heart and mind all week and I have repented, and I am continuing to repent, especially whether or not I should actually confess to one of my pastors and talk to them about it. But I’m telling you, you really hit home boy. Thank you for everything you’ve contributed, and I will call back again and let you know what’s going on. Thank you. God bless family. Bye.

Hi my names Kevin, I’m calling from Arkansas. I just heard Dawn Perry, she wanted prayer for her son Tyler. I can relate to that, I’ve been through that and I just know that God can heal and touch his mind and also Johnny from Colorado. I want to pray for his friend Nick that he was so sensitive to call in and just really caring young man, I believe junior high. So, I’m gonna be praying for both these with you. All, pray with me. Dear Jesus we just thank You for this beautiful day, thank You for Daily Audio Bible, thank You for Brian and Jill and all the staff Lord that go into making this possible Lord, that we can just pray over the airwaves Lord and that You hear…and that You hear our prayers and that You answer our prayers. Lord I just pray for Dawn and her son Tyler Lord, that he will just start taking his meds Lord, that he will get back on track Lord, we’re just believing for total healing, that he can be a productive Young man and have a really good future Lord, we just thank You for that. We thank You for Johnny Lord calling in for his friend Nick Father, that he’s just such a caring Young man and he’s been there Lord, so he knows, knows that we can comfort others in areas we’ve been comforted Lord. So, just pray for Nick Lord that he gets in the right foster home or that You just work his family situation out Lord, just work a miracle Lord, that he can just enjoy his Young years Lord and just grow up to be a godly man. We thank You for that and thank You for all Your blessings. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen. Love all you guys at DAB. I pray for all of you every day. I don’t call in very often but love you and have a great day. Bye-bye.

Hi DAB prayer partners this is Rob Still worship dude in Nashville Tennessee or as we like to say, worship city. Hey, I wanted to ask you guys if you would please pray for me on my next missions trip. As I’m calling it’s Thursday, April 18th. I’m leaving on the 24th. Yeah, that’s when I fly out and I will be ministering in Eastern Europe for almost a month and I would really appreciate your prayers. I’ll be in Czech Republic and then Austria and then Ukraine on three very different projects. Anyway, and if you could also please pray for my wife. Her father passed away about eight weeks ago and she’s gonna be working on settling the estate and things like that. So, anyway I love you guys. I appreciate your prayer support. The Lord be with you.

Hello this is Lisa from San Jose California, first-time caller, been listening since the middle of February. What a wonderful gift this Daily Audio Bible is to me. My husband and I have been going through a lot of things. He’s got cancer for the fourth time. He’s going off to a conference this weekend for healing. Please pray for him. There’s an evil spirit on him causing this illness. We pray that they will be a broken off this weekend completely. And then me, I have all kinds of physical problems…undiagnosed…as I can’t breathe. Anyway, I just am reaching out to Jesus every day and I know that He strengthens me to get through everything. So, if you could please pray for deliverance for both my husband and I, Lisa and Craig Smith, thank you very much. Talk to you next time.

[janiedean]

Do you believe in the statement "Islam is a religion of peace"? I think it's a ridiculous statement and I'm sick of people repeating it over and over. Saying it doesn't make it true. I have NOTHING against Muslims as people but the Koran is no better than the Bible when it comes to violence and pretending otherwise is just ridiculous to me. I came across a gifset the other day of a Muslim woman insisting that Islam is "the most feminist religion of all" and it just doesn't make sense to me.

man you’re talking to an atheist so obviously my answer is biased, and I read the bible but not the koran (I read bits not all of it) so my opinion is what it is, but:

given that I think that the bush jr policy of demonizing islam post sept 11th was the dumbest shit he could have done and I’m happily blaming that for 90% of the mess we’re in today and that I don’t think islam is inherently more violent than christianity given that as you said violence in holy books is about that same level

and given that a lot of the koran has been (purposefully or not) misquoted to justify terrorism/fight against terrorism

and given that 90% of the parts of the sharia law we find more abhorrent (ie the ones condemning lgbt+ people, allowing child brides and so on) aren’t actually in the koran but are holy because some interpreters who were also holy men declared them so so a lot of it is - as with christianity - stuff added by the organized part of the religion (like, there isn’t ONE line in the bible openly condemning abortion unless you don’t interpret the sermon of the mount in a specific way but honestly, but according to the catholic church and christianity in its worst incarnations abortion is A SIIIINNNN)

I also think that everyone automatically tries to delete the worst parts of the religion they believe in and the likes and at the same time it’s really hard to question things you were taught since the day you were born. and going like yES BUT THIS LINE IN THE BOOK SAYS THIS doesn’t mean anything because another says the contrary ten pages after and a lot of religious ppl in general haven’t even read either the koran (see: a lot of isis recruits) or the bible (see: most people who tell me that if I read it I’ll convert, then I tell them I did and if they remember the dismembered concubine from the book of kings and they fall from the clouds. aha) and they tend to stick to the parts that are *safer*. ie for christianity everyone moderate says it’s all about the best parts of the gospel (and no one ever remembers my two favorite bits ie when jesus told people who *went around talking in his stead* that he didn’t know them from adam and when he said to one of the two thieves crucified next to him that he had a place in heaven with him hahahahhahahahaha) and never about the worst parts of them or of the old testament (for one, did you know that with the plagues of egypt the pharaoh refused to let moses go because god directly influenced him because he wanted to show how much more powerful he was in comparison to the pharaoh’s false gods, because the poor guy actually would have let moses leave after the sixth plague? YEAH I DIDN’T UNTIL I READ IT EITHER) same as a lot of moderate muslims focus on the best parts of the koran like the peace message and so on and ignore the worst.

now, personally I think that religious books are written in such a way that you can find anything and its contrary inside them. the bible is BOTH old and new testament but even if you decide that the old doesn’t matter because you only follow jesus’s teachings, okay, paul in some of his letters says exactly the contrary of what jesus meant but paul’s letters are in the NT and no one’s taking them out yet. st. augustine is one of the church’s Fathers with the capital F but he came up with predestination (which is a thing that is absolutely not in the NT) and the catholic church ignores it because it eventually rejected that vision. and so on. it’s not surprising that moderate muslims see their religion as a religion of peace and the jihadists use it to fuel terrorism because both interpretations have their valid points. if you’re moderate and want to say muslim religion is peaceful you have your quotes, if you’re not you have others. and so on. so like, I personally think that since to me it’s all about stuff that doesn’t exist it’s all very ridiculous and I honestly can’t conceive killing themselves in the name of someone whose existence you cannot prove never mind that it’s basically the same God just with a different name and a different theological interpretation so like, wtf guys. I don’t think any religion is inherently peaceful or warmongering, I think people make of it what they want and that you need it separated from the state in any case because if that doesn’t happen it’s always going to coincide with someone’s political interests and fanatics will breed more easily.

re the feminism, I have issues in that sense and maybe a clearer opinion tho that might be that there’s things I cannot chalk to cultural relativism to justify, but like: it’s true that in theory islam is not... well, anti-women at its core because let’s all remember that in the middle ages muslim women on paper were better off than europeans unless my high school books lied about that, but it’s true that a lot of the **sharia** law mentioned above is NOT fucking feminist - whatever you mean with it - and I’m honestly... I mean, I get cultural relativism, but like let’s just take the veil. in theory if it’s an imposition it’s not even valid because you have to choose to wear it and it’s all good, but do people choose to wear it in countries like idk taliban afghanistan? do people have a choice about it when it’s not just the veil but covering your whole damned body and you can’t touch someone else’s hand without your husband’s permission? and saying that it’s also valid for men makes me lol because I haven’t seen men under a burqa yet. like everyone has the rights to choose what they wear or not, but when it’s de-humanizing like that (bc burqas are de-humanizing to me sorry) and it’s people who have been taught since they were born that they have to wear it... is that a choice? and like, yeaaah in saudi arabia eight year old girls can marry people thrice their age and if I have a vagina I can’t drive a car, but that’s feminist? like where I teach, one morning each week it’s just women and only women can teach because some don’t/won’t come if men are attending as well and won’t be taught by male teachers. and like... I understand they do it because otherwise they don’t come, but I feel really iffy about accommodating a thing that to me is out of this freaking universe, especially because you get veiled women coming to regular class without a problem. shit like that imo is just backwards and the fact that it happened here fifty years ago as well means that while I won’t judge muslim countries too harshly on that sense... well, we moved past it and we have equality on paper, shouldn’t they have it too? (admittedly I don’t think attaching ideologies to any religion is a good idea because what the hell does FEMINIST RELIGION even mean, catholics are crazy when it comes to worshipping mary so they’re also feminists?? and religion are used to prop up other ideologies every other day so like.... I’m iffy on that period) so on that topic I honestly can’t agree but because I don’t agree that religions are inherently any -ism.

tldr: I think everyone picks and chooses when it comes to religions so saying that it’s THIS OR THAT is ridiculous (christianity from the westboro baptists is not catholicism to say one and they have the same holy book) and that you need to separate them from politics before doing any kind of this discourse. I also don’t agree with this policy of ‘since bush jr policy was BASHING ON ISLAM FOR EVERYTHING’ now we have to do the contrary and ‘EXCUSE ISLAM FOR EVERYTHING’ because it doesn’t help - you have to condemn the bad apples of the bunch and not alienate the good ones, and that means also criticizing where it’s due.

I mean, ffs, it was on the news here the other day but some girl in bologna who came from a muslim family who didn’t want to wear the veil was forcefully shaved by her mother (like shaved all her hair) and she told her teachers saying she didn’t want to live with them anymore because they were pushing the veil and the religion on her and she didn’t want that, and now she’s with the social services. she’s fourteen. that’s feminist? I don’t... really think so. and the fact that I’m atheist and I don’t get it from the pov of a religious person doesn’t mean that I can’t say it’s fucked up when it’s fucked up.

[survivorathena-motunui]

Ep. 7: Like Juggling Chainsaws ~Kevin

Okay so. that worked out well. I think that was pretty much the best way it could go, like obviously there's no perfect outcome or anything. So. I'm now in my third alliance that has Jay in it, and fourth alliance overall. Ashley's also in an f3 with JD and LA but anyone in that position would know they're the third wheel so thankfully she's like no. This is still good because she's gonna tell us all the tea they give her which Jay and I can compare to find out the truth. It's kinda amazing how the stars have aligned so that we're in the middle of everything. It's a stressful position but it feels great. We hold the power and we get all the info so we can make the best and most informed decision. I think it's best to come clean about our alliance with JD and LA (or J-LAD as Jay called them) lest we get exposed by them. Being in all these alliances is like juggling chainsaws, but like juggling chainsaws if you pull it off correctly you look really cool. Also it's good for our game and stuff. ________________________________________________________________ Okay I hate being in all these alliances like Drew's complaining to me about being on the bottom and like that sucks but I don't know what to tell you bc like I'm in this messed up tangled up web of alliances like I can't make any promises to you when I'm already committed to like half of the people in the game okay? Also Drew told me that like the f6 would be me Jay, JLAD, and Keegley, and that JLAD would be the swing bc there's no way that Keegley would align with Jay and I'm like OprahFingerWag.gif.  

Kevin for the past YEAR AND A FUCKING HALF: Oh, Drew is such a rat, he's never worked with me, even though he always says he wants to, he would have flipped on me in Pompeii too, remember PI All Stars, remember Motu Maha, never trusted, always dissed, never stanned, he's a snake, why do you fucking do this to me every time, we could have worked together, we could have had everything!! Me: Kevin, I am with you and Jay above all others, this is my team, this is my family, and nobody is getting in the way of my family, this is it for me, y'all are it for me, let's do this Kevin: Well actuallyyyyyyy :~) Kevin: https://gyazo.com/4e0bbd0baf3d7d7c5b0da7c6557bb2c7 Kevin: okay so i'm sorry about that. it was kinda my uncertainty with jack like i mentioned before and paranoia and also i just wasn't like certain about steven since like this was my first round with him Kevin: this game just so messy Kevin: i'm honestly just taking this game one step (or round i guess) at a time Kevin: and i wish i could tell you something but i don't want to lie even more or make any promises yet bc like i said it's figuring things out one step at a time What's a guy gotta do to make a damn friend? Because the answer is clearly not "To make a friend, you have to be a friend." Not even for family. Not anymore.

Drew needs to stop fucking winning so I can get him outta here. Next I thought Jack would be going but I guess no one else wants that?????? Saying its too easy to get him out.... Like bitch aint that what we want? I mean I could see Drew seeing a Jack vote coming and playing his rainbow idol on Jack to vote out whoever they want. But Kevin mentioned not even going for Jack and finally separating JD and LA. I like that idea but then I am scared some people will then just flip to Drew. And in an alliance of 4 that wouldnt be so great.

Me: thankful that this round might be easier because everyone sane person in this game would want Drew out Drew: wins immunity Sigh. So I guess it's time for yet another fun round of screaming, panic, stress, overthinking, and even more screaming. It's time for us to separate the JLAD duo. From what Keegan said we're gonna split the votes between them and Jack. I personally wanna get rid of JD because I feel like she trusts me less than LA does, and idk she feels...shadier and like the more stubborn one. I feel like I have more wiggle room with LA? Probably? 

Oh man. I dun goofed. I played an idol so wrong it's almost right. Everyone and their mother was saying the vote was between me and Steven but someone lieeeeedddd. Jay lied. And Kevin lied. I guess drew talked to both of them about blindsiding LA. And yet neither told me it wasn't my name so bye bye idol. Aaaaand now I'm in the "Wholesome Happening" alliance with Jay and Kevin. So that's interesting. Ashley is also in that with us. She says she's also with JD and LA in an alliance chat. Hopefully she sticks with us. I guess the plan for tonight is to break up JLAD, while throwing Jack's name out there in hopes of drew playing a rainbow idol on him. It's unlikely but maybe. Either way, as long as the four of us vote for JD or LA, we should all be safe moving forward. And now we have to hope Drew doesn't win immunity next challenge. 

hhhhhhhhhhhso. Drew got immunity, which is annoying, because it means he probably won't play his idol tonight as we were all hoping. The plan is kind of....unsure at the moment. Kevin and I are still playing the middle, which kind of sucks and kind of is great because it feels like we have some power. I think I might actually be in a really good position on the tribe. Keegley trusts me and J-LAD trusts me, and Kevin trusts me. I might be able to wiggle in with Dreck. So that's good. The easiest thing would be to pick off Jack - probably everyone could agree on that and it wouldn't be too hard. But long term, this could be Kevin's and my only opportunity to separate LA JD. It feels like this may be the vote where we have to pick sides. But, from past games, I'm of course wary of making a big move and making myself known as a strategic threat. Hopefully I can pin it all on Keegan? I'm CONSIDERING the possibility of self-voting so that, after this vote, I can pretend that I was with everybody. If there's a majority on LA without me, that might be the best thing, but I still have to get the keegley+kev alliance to choose between JD/LA. My goal is to be able to make Keegan or WHOMSTEVER think that voting LA was their idea, not mine. Basically, after this vote, I want everybody to still love me and for everybody to be in my pocket. I think the self-vote might be the only way to preserve my position, because if I vote with either group, I'm gonna lose trust somewhere, and if I throw my vote, I'm going to seem like I was torn. With a self vote, I can pretend that I was 100% with EVERYONE and just blame it on...an excuse I haven't considered yet. Stay tuned. Hopefully tonight we'll see a bLAndside (Ali suggested that pun to me I'm so sorry.)

I've done some research and the results will SHOCK you. Drew is basically the Jordan Pines of this season. -He's kinda a duo with Jack C -Jordan's close ally, Jack C, went home at f9. Drew's close ally, Steven, went home at f9. -Both have the Rainbow Idol -Everyone wants him gone but he keeps fucking winning immunity The facts don't lie. #StayWoke I just realized I'm killing two of my Taveuni children in a row I'm a horrible parent

2. Who is in the best position? 17. Who has the most final two deals? 20. Who would you like to go on a romantic date with? I would say that me and lori are in the best position but that done not mean I have the most final two! It's it a final three anyway? Or did I not read something again? I'm flattered, that two people would want to go on a date with me <3 I know I'm hella cute~ hahah But okay, enough of the fun. The game is really starting to get me stressed, I don't wanna be the person that goes home with an idol in their pocket but I don't wanna waist it. I don't believe that the vote is for Jack, just doesn't make since at the point. I know I was all for sending him home before but at this point you need to keep the numbers, with eight people and there is always the possibility of flipping so me and LA need to decide asap who we are going to go to the end with but I think that we are leaning towards Ashley and Keegan just because we don't have that much trust for Kevin at this point. If we voted Keegan or Ashley now then the other one would get pissed and flip. On that I think that Jay would stay with us if we explained that we thought Kevin was playing both side, which I think he is and I know she is but at least she is telling us what is going on. This is literally the make or break it vote, I would use the idol to save the people that I want to but again, I don't want to waist it. But maybe if I can convince Jay that I'm throwing her name out there cus I think she is the flipper, tell her I have the idol and that I will use it on her then maybe we can still win this.... I might have to give her the idol and just pray that the vote isn't for me or LA again. I just  don't know if it is worth it... Is it worth it  or is it not worth is... THAT is the question! 

Amanda So its been a while since I gave my thoughts on the game so here we go... We have 4 pairs right now. Keegan/Ashley, LA/JA, Kevin/Jay, Drew/Jack. Everyone wants to split up LA/JD, and it seemed to be working so far, but JD is catching on that these pairs are gonna have to cannibalize on each other soon, so she wants to get a head start on that. Then Jay had this crazy idea about intentionally self-voting? Like, I get her strategy but like, seeing it from this end, every vote is gonna count and if she doesn't vote, it could go very badly for her. I dont know what Drew is thinking because the kid hardly makes confessionals and he isn't in any alliance chats. ugh... To be perfectly honest, I really don't know how this vote is gonna go. 

Okay! Game changer! JD just messaged me saying shes potentially willing to vote out LA and not work with her in order to advance her game and I'm......shook. I don't need to do anything devious if JD is willing to just go with the plan. I'm. whew.

njkdhbfboajniog I DONT KNOW WHAT I AM DOING! I NEED ALI!! OKay so i don't know if I am really planing on doing this but I mean... maybe? I'm really worried that she is going to go home and I think that it's stopping my game. I need to stop worrying about what is happening in her game and just play mine. dear god.................................. If this is what happens then Ali is right and I am like... The chick that voted out her mom o.O If I think that I actually have the people voting for her though, we can vote where ever we want and I can play my idol on her but... My game... I dont know yet. A) 

or B) 

________________________________________________________________

okay so my 'i dont know what Im doing' really just fucked me over. I'm dumb and I panic and I dont think about what I say and this is a prime example. ________________________________________________________________ I suddenly feel like Matt Fucking Summer in.... My season. ________________________________________________________________ Truthful I think that me and LA are on the bottom, that Drew is really good with talking with people and that he is ether in the process of flipping or has already flipped, you, jay, kevin and keegan. I think that if LA went home then I would be able to play my own game and maybe me, Ashley and Drew could go to the final, just with no alex. I also think it's stupid to take Drew to the end. so that's a no go if she goes home I dont have to worry about her but I also dont have to that solid extra person ether . ________________________________________________________________ After the mental mess I put myself though and the mess I made of things. I wouldn't be surprised if I go home tonight, but I still feel like Lori will go before me so I mean... Maybe. Hopefully. Well see if I life to make another confession

Alright so I have a quick question, what the fuck. Jay told me JD came to her and was like hey I'm voting Kevin and Jay's like um maybe don't do that and JD's like so you're good to vote Kevin?? I know she's cracked but??? This is a new level. I have a feeling Drew might be up to this mishap but idk? That's kinda my automatic assumption but oh well. If any idol hijinks happen tonight I'm playing my idol because I trust approximately 1.5 people in this game. 

Okay we're trying to vote LA again. It will hopefully be me, Kevin, Jay, Drew, Ashley, and Keegan, but who fucking knows anymore. All I know is I'm going to try to exploit my current confused status to get people to take me to the end.

I'm way less certain about this tribal council than the last one. Last time I was confident about where everyone else was voting. With the way JD's been acting I'm a little nervous. And if Drew has done some crap then it's 4-4 with the other side having the advantage since Drew has immunity nnnn. I know Drew does want the other side out so hopefully he's not snaking me. Also just nervous because Jay and I's mist has been kinda fading. Our mist isn't even mist it's like, water vapor. Our status as a duo is obvious but since it's kind of a duos game at this point that doesn't make us a threat. Still though...yikes

This is why Drew is going to win. I broke one time and told jay and Ashley that I wanted to vote for Lori and drew got a hold of it and now that's it. They are going to send her home and if I use my idol on her then I'm fucked because then no one will believe that I will vote her out. But then do I trust that they are voting out Lori and not me? Im not going to turn on her right now, not if it's to help someone else. If we vote Kevin and it doesn't work then I guess I'm gonna have to kiss some ass but otherwise... 20 minutes to go

Either Kevin, me or JD are gonna get blindsided tonight. It's been too quiet. And its that kind of day. Rip.