#bc Im in the process of switching my meds

[mongoose-king]

> be me at work - closing shift

> customers until a half-hour past closed

> honestly not too fussed, each sale from them was 200+, one was even over 400 bucks

> one customer even gave me $10 cash as a thank you for how helpful I was - yo I nearly cried,,,

> finish closing by like,,, a quarter to 10pm. I shoulda been outta there by 9:15pm. :p

> go to the hooka lounge downstairs

> smoke shisha for a few hours bc fuck it it's been a while and I wanna

> close the place down at 5am

> get home at like 5:20am

Not how I expected my night to go but uh. I need to fuckin sleep- shit-

And Im tryna FIX my sleep situation I SWEAR IM TRYING 😭 I'm just NOCTURNAL AS FUCK-

[toastsnaffler]

what if i just killed myself

[lilacs-world]

I feel like I’m chronically not okay but idk if I’m valid enough to label myself as chronically ill. I am able to work 40h a week but with the cost of laying in bed the rest of the day when I’m back home. In the weekends I sleep mostly. My room is a disaster because I never have the energy to tackle the chaos. I wished I was able to walk to work and back but standing for more than 15 min is already exhausting me and I get dizzy and lightheaded. I am constantly in pain, my normal pain level is on good days at a 2 on bad days it’s at a 4 or 5 but maybe I’m too modest about my pain due to fear of admitting I’m not okay. I am always tired even if I sleep usually enough. At times I feel more refreshed with only 4 hours of sleep hell knows why. I am waking up daily at 5:45am to get myself ready for 8am work. I don’t know if I’m ever gonna be a functioning adult. I am scared of the moment I will unmask bcs im masking daily due to Audhd. Plus daily I’m confused because we are often switching and my quality at work at times fluctuating and my TLs wondering wtf bcs we know u know all the processes so wtf. Daily I feel like I know only a specific part of the processes and I have days where I ask so many questions that one of the TLs told me they are growing gray hairs bcs of me asking so much. The doctors in my country are shit when I mentioned suspecting we are a system they said nah it’s just ur anxiety. When I questioned if I have adhd my former psych said nah only kids can have it. My former therapist said yeah after unofficially diagnosing me with it. Autism I suspect that too and I got my confirmation more or less from my bf who’s on the spectrum as well. He got his confirmation he has adhd as well by me noticing lots of adhd things in him and he has now meds whilst me is in this godforsaken country that isn’t taking me seriously. I got my confirmation I have adhd when I took speed and realised for the first time "so this is how neurotypicals experience their life?" I for once had a train of thoughts in order and not a carambolage of luggage’s getting stuck in the baggage claim belt. I sobbed so hard. On good days I am able to remember and memorise lots of shit. But on bad days I barely anything. My body is out of control. I have pcos and it’s ravaging my body. I grow hair on my chin and arms and it’s making me uncomfortable and I developed anxiety about having hair in my face to the point over pluck and over shave it. My period is out of control. I either bleed for 2 months consecutive or I don’t have my period for 6 months. I am anemic due to it. I am such a pale human that I’m constantly being asked if I am okay. Oh yeah not to forget having an autoimmune disease since I am 2 years old. Having to deal with psoriasis break outs each winter where I end up being covered on my legs, arms , ass with skin patches of psoriasis. At times it’s even in my eyebrows and on my scalp. Each winter is a torture for me. I am battling with depression as well. Luckily this last year it wasn’t so overbearing and I felt more human than I used to in the past. Nonetheless my anxiety is ravaging and leaving me crippled daily. I sound ridiculous talking about myself rn bcs in my brain I feel like you aren’t this sick or unwell you are faking this you are a horrible human for saying all this things but I know it’s probably my internal ableism and the internal critical subconsciously developed voices of my surroundings telling me I’m not actually sick and I need to go to work even if sick etc. Sigh. Idk where I wanted to go with this whole post. I know you guys don’t see often a personal post from me or posts from me and more reblogs of stuff I enjoy seeing and stuff I wanna boost and stuff I find important or relatable or stuff that I think might make someone feel better and less anxious or feel seen. I hope this is fine. I hope being more real is helpful. Maybe I should do this rambling on my other blog @unfilteredrealities where I tried to talk about life in a real way , unfiltered. You can even send in your own submissions if u want to.

Anyway thanks for reading my ted talk.

TLDR: I don’t know if I’m actually chronically ill and if I’m valid enough to label myself as that and then I rambled about my life experiences with audhd, did, anxiety, depression, pcos, psoriasis and there are more but I’m exhausted.

[herslvt]

i spoke about this with my friend the other day, i recently took down my med sized braids to switch to jumbo braids (my scalp is loving the switch up) and im so delulu all i kept thinking about was having mingi help me with the process whether itd be taking down the old braids or carefully/neatly braiding the new style and please tell me you see the vision bc im so in love with the thought of mingi being so eager to help care for his partners natural hair and bonding over doing protective styles and it also just makes me a little heart broken bc growing up my hair was constantly straightened and burned so i never really had someone to care for my hair for me and i want that so bad 😭

omg this is such a cute idea, im literally about to go start writing this rn 😭 i haven’t had my hair braided in a while because i mostly wear wigs but like the thought of mingi being eager to help his s/o take down their braids is so cute 🥰

[notveryshrugemoji]

lol, the last 24 hours have been wild and this is exactly the place I want to document it. Love processing my thoughts and feelings here hahaha

Yesterday I was working and started feeling, off. Nothing major, just didn’t feel good. I was clammy, my heart was racing, my chest and upper back between my shoulder blades felt tight. At times I felt like I needed to gasp or take a big breath in to feel like I was filling my lungs? Does that make sense?! So I took my blood pressure 3 times, both arms. Numbers: 145/99, 145/105, 140/95 with my HR 95-105 each reading.

Naturally, I gaslit myself into thinking I was having an asthma attack. So I called my mom and she was like “lol maybe call the nurse hotline about that” so I did and THEY were like “BITCH GO TO THE HOSPITAL” so I left work and went to the hospital lol. (Important to note here: I have had unexplained high BP since I was a teenager that is managed with meds).

ER saw me basically immediately due to the chest pain but they didn’t have a bed for me so I was just kinda sitting in a chair for a while lol. They did blood work, blood cultures, an X-ray of my chest and an ecg. Basically all of it came back clear. I saw a Student Dr first and she listened to my chest and then left pretty abruptly afterword, both drs came back and listened, NODDED TO EACH OTHER and confirmed “yes what you heard is correct”. Like okay, pls say more immediately, thanks! They ask me if I’ve ever been diagnosed with a heart murmur (no), then tell me they hear a murmur and want an ekg done (booked for Monday). And then they SENT ME HOME lol. Chest pain, elevated BP, etc. still happening. They were very thorough, i just kind of feel like I wasn’t given a real plan for the next couple of days? The symptoms are still there, so like do I go back if they get worse? How much worse does it need to get? This is partially my fault for not pushing harder to get those answers but I don’t think they really had anything at that point, realistically.

So I slept a couple of hours last night and woke up early today feeling the same way. I called my GP’s office and booked an appointment for Monday and let them know what happened yesterday. They said he’ll likely call me this evening bc he’s on call at the hospital. I went and got a couple of groceries, exhaustinggggg. I had to sit on my bottom stair when I got home and catch my breath lol. So things are basically the same as yesterday EXCEPT I can’t help but feel like “I don’t feel good” - like I feel like I have a cold. And then I’m thinking, what if it’s COVID? Im assuming my bloodwork didn’t show any red flags and that’s why they didn’t test. I asked my friend to grab me a couple of rapid tests just for shits though. More info is good at this point.

A lot of thoughts, top of the list is that I don’t think I have asthma and neither does the er doctor. I told him I almost didn’t go to the hospital bc I felt like I was overreacting about an asthma attack - because this is what an asthma attack feels like, right? And the answer is nooo, so have I just had an undiagnosed heart murmur for this long? It feels like that’s impossible hahahaha I have so much shit wrong with me surely someone would have heard it by now.

Anyway, I’m playing the new h*gwarts game on switch and gonna sleep as much as possible today. Eat, then sleep.

[yooniesim]

I don't like to share financial struggles on here but, I have always made a point of being transparent as possible too. So let me tell yall frankly. I am 1-2 months away from not being able to pay any of my bills including rent. the new medication I have to switch to bc of the national shortage is $182 per month. I don't know how im going to afford it. The one i switched to already and have been paying for has had no effect at all. I have had doctor's visits every few weeks for various health issues since March and no insurance since January. My student loans have unpaused and I have been paying them for several months now. I was laid off from one of my jobs this year and the other was paused when my family member I was caregiving for passed away. I have another caregiving job now but it doesn't pay nearly enough for all my bills, medical expenses, and food. I am in the red every month and what I have saved will not last much longer.

Regardless of all this, I still do not paywall my cc, even early access, and I do not ask for donations. I took up curseforge because it seemed like a good place to host my files, and then was pleasantly surprised by the small amount of money I was able to get from it every month or so. This money doesn't even touch my expenses and will not even be enough to pay for my meds anymore. It ranges from $50-200 over the course of several months depending if I am active enough to post any cc or not. Any of you that are independent know that this is nothing in terms of the current cost of living. I haven't even received my payment from last month yet and as soon as I do it is already spent. If I had any leeway at all, I would have already deleted my cc from there, but the gravity of the situation right now is... extremely high. If I deleted it now, I probably wouldn't even get the money I already earned there, as it is still in process. And I cannot risk that. What i can do is not upload anything new to their website in the meantime. But I cannot delete my old uploads.

I have spent most of my life being vocal about social justice issues. I have donated very often to the causes i cared about, spoken to people both irl and online to raise awareness despite being in an area where it is dangerous to do so, done volunteer work, and hosted fundraising efforts. Much of my breath over the past weekend was spent talking about Palestine. It is not that I do not care about this issue- far from it. I've lost a lot of sleep trying to figure out what to do about this. It's not easy trying to weigh the impact of a boycott against your own well being. Especially getting conflicting info on whether or not Overwolf is actually supporting the IDF or just victims of the terrorist attacks as they say. It's all complicated, confusing, and heartbreaking. And even so, I am boycotting in the terms of not uploading new stuff to there and offering alternate download links for my old stuff. And when I am able, I will eliminate curseforge completely. But I hope this helps anyone understand why it's not gone immediately and what my current perspective is.

[mumintroll]

i am taking a break from tumblr but i need strangers 2 vote on a poll for a major life decision okay. will give reasonings underneath for all the options + u will have some context if youre an avid mumintroll post reader and remember all the times i have complained and worried abt my choice of subject at uni

sooo option 1. thought process is i have already struggled through one year and made it out with decent grades, i do want to learn french and dutch even if i struggle to do it in a formal capacity at school and find language classes extremely difficult and anxiety inducing. it is possible if i take the step of getting therapy + possibly medication i will find it easier but thats a hard step to take in and of itself and i have already tried it twice in my life and pussied out both times and atp it may be easier to just work with the assumption that i wont be getting therapy/meds any time soon and do something that eases my anxiety more.

option 2. i like each of those subjects and would be okay doing one or some combination of them. however they are not the subjects i would pick if i was applying to uni afresh its just that my uni doesnt have a wide range of humanities so the subjects i would definitely want to switch to arent available to me if i want to stay in this city which i DO. i would be able to continue dutch language classes if i did this too but there would be less pressure bc the grade wouldnt count to my degree and i would be able to just chill in class w my dutch friends (i dont have friends on the french side of my course so it wldnt really matter if i stopped seeing all those people)

option 3. so this one im unsure about bc i dont know if its allowed but i would want to do dutch language + culture alongside either english/history/philosophy. i dont think they would let me since dutch isnt a primary language but i could check. i would really like to do the dutch cultural modules but again having language count towards my grade stresses me out bc i struggle with it so much. and again i dont even know if this is allowed i dont think it is but if it is i would get to go on my year abroad still but not have to deal with french classes which i find 1000000x more stressful than dutch classes

okay now vote if you read my novel idk what 2 do

[discyours]

twitter com/eternalsamo/status/1588137953489977345/ How do you interpret this? Im puzzled by such anecdotes as wouldnt this mean orientation can truly change with effort? My first thought was just unaware bisexuality with T sending arousal into overdrive causing mistaken monosexual identity but i dont understand why the switch is so polar instead of simply causing high arousal to both vs little (off meds) or high ar but to the same previous target

Pretty bothered by this person labeling herself as a lesbian when she seems to acknowledge that she was bisexual both during and after her transition, just with differing preferences.

I don't think sexuality can be changed, but I do think a lot more people are bisexual than realise it and I think mindset makes a huge difference in how you interpret (and in turn experience) your bisexuality. Transition can honestly make you kind of obsessive towards the opposite sex. You start looking at them in envy, constantly analysing small details you may never have noticed before, continually gaining more appreciation for subtle differences in appearance between people of your biological sex vs the sex you're idolising. It's not always linked to attraction but for a lot of people (only those who already had the capacity to be attracted to the opposite sex, even if they didn't previously realise it) it does lead to it. Trans men and trans women both do this and both regularly report becoming exclusively "gay" (opposite sex/same gender attracted) after transitioning. It's also why trans people will make some of the most oddly specific horny posts you've ever read in your life.

This isn't meant to come across as judgemental and I disagree with gendercrits who universally label trans people as fetishistic for doing this. I think a lot of the time they're turning around cause and effect (transitioning bc you're fetishistically obsessed with the opposite sex vs becoming obsessive because that's the mindset you end up in while you're transitioning).

All that being said I could see detransitioning having the same effect. Only this time you're gaining a newfound appreciation for the features of your biological sex in the process of trying to accept your own body, and possibly rejecting some of the appreciation you felt for the opposite sex in an attempt to stop validating dysphoric feelings.

[catastrothy]

here is a little chronicle of my sickness journey btw. bc i feel like i need to write this down because its been hilariously awful lol

warning 4 gross stuff, oversharing, and me bitching, unsurprisingly

back in early august i got sick with what i thought was a cold. basic symptoms, fever, achiness, runny nose, etc. things are relatively normal at first, i've gotten sick dozens of times because i'm particularly prone to sinus and ear infections so i brushed it off

And Then The Hives Began.

all over my limbs and very rarely on my torso and neck. even had one on my face. at one point my throat got very itchy and i had a panic attack thinking i would get anaphylaxis for the first time in my life. thankfully i took a shitton of claritin + pepcid + benedryl and it kicked in fast enough that i was okay

i go to the local urgent care. the doctor is amazing and gives a shit and prescribes me some steroids + recommends i keep taking what i've been taking. tells me to follow up with my primary doctor and to come back if things get worse.

Things Continue To Get Worse.

i go to my primary doctor. she is not very helpful. i've been thinking of switching providers anyway because i'm moving and this has kind of solidified this decision because i'm told "well that's weird! just uhh. keep taking your antihistamines and don't go out in public. good luck :)" the only thing is its been a hot minute since i switched providers and i dont really remember what the process is like and i will inevitably get social anxiety about it.

this continues for a while. i'm managing, i feel like shit. but i am managing. now here comes the really gross part. this morning (9/15/23) i am chilling on my computer. i go to scratch my stomach, only to find... there is crust. around my belly button. why is my belly button so crusty? what? it turns out there is discharge of some sort coming from there. why? who knows! it's not too painful but between the fact my fever is now higher than it's ever been (although still a low grade one) and i have this unexplained discharge it throws me into one of the worst panic attacks i've had in a while. all the worst case scenarios (sepsis, my second greatest phobia besides anaphylaxis) are running through my head but i remind myself every time i've thought shit was mega fucked it turned out okay. mira also helps comfort me and im able to collect myself and go to the urgent care (again). also on top of this i have like 3 cold sores and my period going at the same time so i am extra suffering!!!!!!!!!!

the doctor there is again really understanding and wonderful. i love this woman. she tests me for flu, covid, strep, and mono. she says she tests for mono specifically because a lot of other doctors miss it and make patients suffer for no reason. all tests come back negative thankfully (or maybe unthankfully... because we still dont know what the fuck i got). she puts me on like 5 new different meds (antiviral, antibiotic, steroid, nausea meds, and an antifungal to help if i get a yeast infection while on the antibiotic). at this point i am genuinely wishing i could make this lady my primary doctor but alas, 'tis not to be.

i am now given 1 shot each of antibiotic and steroid. one in each butt cheek. my ass hurts so badly. sitting is vaguely uncomfortable.

i am given some gauze and also told to buy dial soap for the belly button infection. i go home and lay on the couch. and thus this is where we are now

also my electric company charged me like $200 for electricity which we do not have atm so thats a cool cherry on top

anyway moral of the story is that my immune system is garbage and i wish it attacked the virus instead of me <3

[show-us-kaidenshenandoah]

trigger warning: i speculate on if a cat i rescued has suffered from two different tools of possible animal abuse within this post (water squirting primarily, with a bit about plastic-bags at the end). there is no graphic depiction of any event

my heart broke today, finding out someone in my cat's past probably squirted water at her 🥺

i started using a squirt-bottle to add water to the wet-food for my cat, Allegra (named after the allegery meds bc i didnt know it was a real name related to music, thank you), since it's summer and we live in southern California + most of cats' water-needs are met through their meat/wet-food, hence why many (but not all) cats who eat wet-food don't often use their water-fountains (apparently. and also my cat is one of them). i just wanted to make sure my cat isn't getting dehydrated since it's so hot and she's fully stopped taking a liking to fountains since being switched to wet-food. she's a Siamese Cat and her coloration makes it obvious that still has her winter coat on. my concern makes complete sense, like, yeah, sure, add some water to her meat, why not, can't hurt and it's a good idea

and, so far, i have ended up doing this when Allegra was nowhere around. and i just never noticed that before. so im like "just gonna use this squirt-bottle without any problems, much less any bad reactions from Allegra" in my ignorance as i fail to process the fact that my cat hasn't even realized i have been using one on her food. she's been elsewhere. every time. having no idea, probably sleeping soundly. and id just go find her and show her that her food is ready for her and now it has had extra water mixed in, and confirm she's eating it; all as i continue to not process that she missed the squirt-bottle entirely

and for additional context, my cat was a stray. i dont know for how long. but with how friendly she has always been and how scared she was of certain outdoor stimuli, i assume when i first found her that she'd been newly abandoned house-cat of a largely indoor variety rather than one of our neighborhood's regular cats (both outdoor/semi-outdoor and feral) that patrol the block or so around us, much less a socialized feral-cat. but she was approximately 2 years old when she started stalking me to demand i adopt her. so there are a number of years where i have no idea what what she was up to or experienced

and, as part of her being my first cat ever, i watched a lot of videos to research how to take care of Allegra (including "how do you pet a cat" lol i didnt want to get anything wrong!!), mostly by Jackson Galaxy. and i agree with his plea to not use squirt-bottles on cats as it just makes the cat fearful of their owner holding said squirt-bottle, rather than be scared of the bottle itself or learn from the "bad cat" action they did or whatever. i had been taught similar by past trainers with my family's dogs as such could instigate said dog to bite/attack someone to get the squirting human to stop using the bottle against them, so i was in immediate agreement that the same logic would apply to cats

so when Allegra followed me today to see if i would refill her bowl and heard me spritz a couple times into her bowl-- she RAN off and hid. and my cat p much always comes out when she's realized she is being called, she does not like me not knowing where she is nor does she like it when i completely walk past her in search for her. she always at least cries in a "Marco!"/"Polo!" fashion for me to be led to her hiding spot -- that is, if she's not already doing what more usually happens: where she is just straight up meowing "I'm here! I'm over here!" while she hurriedly trots after me to correct my having completely missed her in her said hiding spot, utterly abandoning her previous stealth. the only times she hasn't done EITHER of those things was when she first getting to know me (makes complete sense; completely grew out of that long-since by now) and when she'd hear the fire-alarm (we are working on getting her to NOT silently hide under the bed where i can't reach her when she does that). but my point is: it rarely happens these days. and, after hearing the spray-bottle, even though it wasn't pointed at her: she ran away and hid silently where i couldn't find her for like 15 minutes as i walked through every room of the house, calling her name, only to be greeted with absolute quiet 🥺🥺🥺 that's not like her at all, the poor baby

so now i know Allegra has a history with spray-bottles... in addition to my pre-existing knowledge that she is scared of a couple of other concerning things that i am HOPING are just her having not been socialized with them as a sound rather than that she was abused with them (the most worrying one of those being her fear of plastic-bags/trashbags. she bolts whenever she hears me change the trashcans' bags. but she stopped hiding as part of learning to trust me. now, she'll run into the other room at most but she won't hide in there; usually she just flinches and watches with Big Eyes to make sure i dont approach her with the bag, and then relaxes as she sees i'm just changing the trashcans, and goes back to her bathing or napping or whatever. again, it could just be a lack of being socialized leading to her fearing them and the noise they make. but it also could be abuse. ill likely never know for sure. but im happier hoping its a lack of socialization, even though i have no evidence to support that over the other option)

(plus! you add in the fact that she was clearly dumped by my house at some point in her lifespan since she has a micro-chip that, and i quote, had its information "deleted"— not "never finished putting in their info" or "accidentally erased due to some micro-chip subscription's lack of payment". but both the Animal Rescue person who scanned her chip as well as the person on the phone i called to put MY information into her said chip, aka: two very unrelated people, said her previous owners "deleted" their information. that doesn't sound great of her past owners' character. who the hell dumps a cat rather than surrender them to a shelter?)

and sure, maybe she reacted like that similarly because of a lack of socialization with a squirt-bottle. one that barely made any noise. and wasn't even pointed at her. and didnt get her wet in any way. but also? this dramatic of a reaction to a squirt-bottle?? and considering how stereotypical it is to squirt water at a misbehaving cat?

i'm a shitty fighter, but more and more as Allegra gives me sneak-peeks into her past before we met: id pay someone off of Craigslist to give her past owners' two black fucking eyes, i'll tell you what

[starlightkun]

HOLY SHIT YOU HAVE ADHD AS WELL?! I JUST STARTED RITALIN THIS MONTH HOLY SHIT

Its crazy finding out so many people I admire have adhd as well. A youtuber i watch (jessica kellgren fozard) also found out she had adhd recently and i also found out that park bom has it and ive always felt really connected and sympathetic of her struggles. I guess since our brains all function similarly, we probably found the way others with adhd talk and present themselves easier to understand and more relatable even if we had such different lives and interests. It makes me feel less alone and really protected knowing that there are successful and lovely people who have succeeded without sacrificing any of the traits in myself which I used to hate and instead outwardly projecting and celebrating it as part of them.

It makes me feel really hopeful for the future since ive been surrounded by so many really driven and successful people at school and was beating myself up for things that I didnt know was adhd.

p.s. im so happy that adderall is working so well for you, im starting at low doses of ritalin at the moment and was facing quite a bit of side effects which were quite tough but you being so happy with your results makes me more optimistic and excited about continuing this process.

-✨anon

omg i love jessica kellgren-fozard! and yeah, i was technically diagnosed w adhd in 2017 but my psychiatrist never actually told me or (allegedly) my mom. and my psychologist at the time looked me in the eyes and told me i dont have it. but i've been struggling a lot recently with just doing daily functioning tasks, and i've related to ppl w diagnosed adhd for so long i've always suspected i had it?? so i recently requested my medical records from my old adolescent psychiatrist and literally first session in 2017 she diagnosed me w adhd primarily inattentive type. and just didn't fucking tell me. so i finally got a new psychiatrist and he was like "oh yeah lol let's get u on some adderall rn wtf"

yesterday was just day 1 on the lowest adult dose tho and i am having some side effects (suppressed appetite, sleep disturbances) but they're pretty manageable imo. im used to a depressed appetite from another medication so i have strategies for nutrition like this, and hopefully that and the sleep will even out after a little while (even if they dont, it's worth it imo. like i simply cannot keep living like i have been. i had a cardboard box from an online order sitting on my living room floor for 5 months bc i just. couldnt pick it up for some reason. i didnt have the pick-up-the-cardboard-box button in my brain. for 5 months. but yesterday i threw that out and cleaned my whole kitchen easy peasy.)

i really hope you get your medication sorted out! i know the struggles of adjusting meds, and side effects, and switching, and the like (i think i've tried like 10? for my chronic migraines in 2 years) and ik it can rlly suck :// but i wish you the best!!! we've got this!

[dokyeomini]

i would like to take my brain out and hand wash it

[shigussy]

i hate my body i go to sleep at 11:30pm bc i gotta job interview in the morning and i need to wake up at 6:30ish so my mom can help me with my hair and this bitch(my body) wakes up at 3am and now its 4:39 and i cant get back to sleep

[horce-divorce]

man buying weed used to be so exciting bc it was like "Look at me, I can go to the weed store!" but now dispo day is just another errand I dread running and a bill I dread paying...

and like i have a hard time making choices? esp when this is the ONLY thing I have money for, so it matters a LOT that I buy stuff that will keep working for me, bc if I don't I'm just screwed then, but for weed buying what is most effective is NOT the same as what's most economical and seeing as I have NO income this is really not an ideal situation ykw i mean.

like it would be most economical for me to buy the $75 oz. But I am not going to do that because getting to where I can smoke, grinding the weed, packing the bowl, and then actually smoking it are all SUCH fucking joyless, awful chores for me now and it's really just not accessible. I can't be doing all that and wasting precious time if I'm having a nausea attack. Im really not allowed to smoke in my room for the most part. there are days where I cant get downstairs, grind and pack a bowl because my tremors are too bad or my hands are too painful or whatever.

that's why i like vapes, cus they're so quick. but they are also smoking, cause more wheezing, are just harsh and nasty... and again the most medicinally effective ones (1:1) are usually not available to me, and are more expensive when they are, and even when they're what I want, you still have to mitigate tolerance and not be hitting that shit all the time

i really wanna try RSO again both for tolerance purposes and because, like shopping for the weed, I have come to hate smoking. I don't enjoy it at all anymore. It used to be such a relief and now it's like "great I have to take my meds again." I hate constantly coughing and wheezing, I hate having to go outside multiple times per day just for smoke, I hate getting resin on my lips from the bong, I hate gagging from the taste, I hate coughing my eyeballs out for an hour every single time I need to eat.

but RSO is tricky!!! it's hit or miss for me bc if I take it wrong my body processes it like an edible (i.e its wasted and does nothing). It HAS to be sublingual. As a result I don't have my dosages worked out for RSO, so it's a MUCH riskier thing for me to buy than, say, the oz (even tho that's not the thing I need. My poverty brain still tells me Its Just What You Can Afford).

on the other hand I can smoke a half oz in about a week if I don't try to mitigate the tolerance issue (i.e. switching methods and strains every few days). So then it's not really even that economical and doesn't end up lasting longer than RSO anyway.

anyway if u cant tell today is weed day and i have adhd and as I'm sure you can imagine this is very difficult for me

[commando-rogers]

so I just recently got off the waitlist at the therapy office I reached out to so hopefully I’ll be starting therapy in a week or two and I’m honestly far more apprehensive than excited like idk what to expect. I did “therapy” in high school but it was literally my mom driving 15 year old me to this old woman who specialized in children and her just chatting for an hour and giving me a timer to “help focus” like it was bullshit. and I know that I need therapy especially bc I’ve been off antidepressants for a few months now but I’m having a hard time getting out of the mentality that since I have a chemical imbalance in my brain I should be supplementing to fix it with medication. bc I do feel better when I’m on meds like that’s just how it was. (except for the last year when I tried switching things up and tried meds that were terrible fits but whatever that’s why we’re off it now.) anyway idk I just feel like I’m not gonna “buy into the process” or whatever like idk if I’ll be receptive to it, and I’m bad at starting new habits/regiments so I’m worried I’m not gonna take any advice that’s given to me, and I’m just generally a very closed book so I don’t even know if im gonna open up to this person. (she seems very cool based on her bio they sent me she’s young and caters to queer people so that’s a plus) but idk I’m just worried that I’m not gonna Do Therapy Right enough to actually benefit from it. but also I know by typing this shit out and posting it on the internet I’d basically just have to say the same stuff to someone over a zoom screen and then she’ll tell me constructive stuff from it and idk man I just don’t know what to expect. like I’m such a people pleaser and someone who’s afraid of bothering others, and I often get stuck in the formalities of hi nice to meet you my whole job is about having deep but superficial conversations with people where you cover lots of ground and act very polite without revealing any personal info about yourself. idk man I’m rambling which prob just shows that I need and will benefit from therapy but anyway I’m nervous but I know that at least in theory this is a big step towards progress so whatever. and hey it’s also taking a nice ol chunk out of my salary so cheers to that

[chronicallyblogged]

Well crap. Got a letter letting me know my psychiatrists last day is tomorrow and I will be switched to a nurse practitioner. Im not really comfortable being put with someone who is only a nurse bc my body processes meds wierd. I did call the office and apparently he did at least put in the doctor authorization for my adhd med that ive been waiting for since August. So a little parting gift for me I guess. Def going to switch providers once I no longer need these guys to write letters for Medicare to make them approve top surgery tho.