#bc being a person is messy

[littlecrittereli]

I don't usually post my sketches but I really like how this one turned out.

What's the point of angst without some good aftermath healing?

[jemmo]

Making sense of love for love's sake: the game

Despite all the things i absolutely adore about how the plot unravels and expands in love by love's sake, upon first watch, there's some things i couldn't piece together, which @lurkingshan echoes in their post:

'The way the author was messing with Myungha and forcing cruel choices on him really does not track with a desire to help him find happiness.'

And to preface, this is not something i fully get yet either. I think i'll need a good month and a sizeable reading list of relevant resources to understand just what/who this author/sunbae is and what his role is and how he is associated with myungha. But as always with the best shows for meta (aka bad buddy), as a plot unfolds, you can always find a better understanding by looking backwards and re-contextualising what you've already seen. so i watched ep 1, specifically the scene between myungha and his sunbae at the bar. And i will talk about how everything said in this scene has a whole new meaning now we know the full story, but for now i wanna focus on that question that they keep coming back to; "Then... will you change it for him?".

When you watch the show for the first time, your brain follows the simplest, most obvious version of the story you're being told, one where myungha has been pulled into the world of his sunbae's novel that's being turned into a game and given the opportunity to fix the thing he didn't like about it; making yeowoon happy, and thus you just think the rules of the game are imposed by the author, and so when these cruel choices first come up, you see them as the difficult roadblocks that are nevertheless necessary to any kind of game, forcing the player to make an impossible choice so that the game can continue in a certain direction and its only after that you learn whether it was the right choice or not, or there is no right choice, it simply changes the game you are playing.

And when its revealed what this game actually is, at first i tried to interpret these cruel choices, namely the choice between yeonwoon and myungha's grandma, and at best i could come up with the concept of this being a choice between staying stuck to the past aka choosing his grandma, even though he knows that choice doesn't mean she's safe bc he knows the future where he loses here, its an inevitability, but thats the small happiness he knew before it was taken away and thus that happiness is known and safe, theres no risk, versus choosing to pursue a new happiness, a love of yeowoon and thus himself, which he doesn't know, he hasn't experienced yet, and could be risky. Its a happiness that isn't guaranteed like his grandma, but its a happiness that looks to the future and has hope in it that he can find a new happiness to pursue despite what has happened in his past.

And that fits nice, okayish. But then i watched ep 1 and heard that question "Then... will you change it for him?" And watching through the rest of the eps, we come back to this scene at the bar and each time we get a new run up to the author asking this question, either new dialogue is added or we hear a different piece of the conversation entirely. It starts at the beginning of ep 1 as:

"Because Cha Yeowoon is the only one who's miserable." "It can't be helped that some people's lives are like that" "The fact that some people are destined to live that kind of life is what's vile."

Then a bit later in ep 1 we go back and its expanded.

"It can't be helped that some people's lives are like that" "The fact that some people are destined to live that kind of life is what's vile." "Why? Do you think you'd write it differently?" "Yes, definately. Someone like Cha Yeowoon, or someone like me with an awful life, can also be happy."

And then all the way on in ep 6, we get this new dialogue.

"I don't like talking about destiny." "Why?" "Because it means everything is predestined." "Then do you not believe in fate?" "Fate and destiny are the same. My grandma likes to say that. She said life is like a written book, and how you'll live and die are written in it. (...)I don't like things like this. Even if fate is already destined, I think it can still be changed. Otherwise, there's no point in trying." "Really? Then Myungha..."

And while we don't hear the author ask the same question, I feel like him getting cut off like that insinuates that the conversation leads to that same ending point. All that is to say, every time we hear this question being asked, its like we learn more and more about what this whole thing is, what the game is, what myungha is saying he will do by agreeing to do what the author asks. And every time, we see myungha being more defiant against the idea of yeowoon being resigned to his miserable ending. He starts off thinking that kind of life is destined, and while it's miserable, its not something he can fight. Then he says he'd want to write the story differently, bc yeowoon, or even him, could be happy. He challenges the idea that yeowoon, and thus himself, is fated to be miserable, and opens up the possibility for happiness for them both, but doesn't yet have the means or resolve to do it, its like he knows its possible on a fundamental level, but doesn't see it as something he can actually achieve. But then we circle back to the idea of destiny and books, both of which came up in the previous quote, and seems incredibly pertinent seen as this whole thing is about a novel this author has written. Myungha talks about how he hates the idea that life is a book where everything written is predestined to happen, from the moment you live to the moment you die. He says "Even if fate is already destined, I think it can still be changed. Otherwise, there's no point in trying." That vile way of life he described before that he said was destined, he is now saying it can be changed, and that possibility is now something he's holding onto, its what he sees hope in so that he can keep trying, bc now he finally is trying, he has the resolve, he's trying to realise this thing, this impossibility of rewriting the life he thought was destined through the way he loves yeowoon.

And coming back to those cruel choices, given this fresh context, it made me think. bc this isn't actually a game that myungha has been put into where the rules are dictated by an author completely separate from him. He said himself, he'd rewrite it, he'd change things for yeowoon. And when you start to think of it less as him fighting against a rigid, removed system and more like him being a character in a story he is trying to rewrite himself, that has both the author and his own limitations, or just his own if you're in the school of thought that the author is some figment or part of myungha himself or his conciousness, then you can start to see where these cruel choices might come from. They could be myungha, the author making edits to this new story, imposing his own doubts and limitations on himself. When he says he has to pick between Yeowoon and his grandma, what if that's the new author myungha seeing this story unfold and thinking no this isn't right, he can't have it all, i'm not deserving of this much happiness.

And what makes me like this idea even more is that when we get that second choice between ending after 14 days or getting 100 days back at the cost of resetting Yeowoon's affection to 0, that whole conversation happens in what I think the bar actually is which is this frozen moment in time where myungha is in the water with this extension of a voice in his head that is talking through these things. That conversation in itself needs its own post, but when you look at it both as a decision to break up or not or a decision to hold onto life or not, you can see how the author is just this soundboard relaying the decisions myungha is going through in his head. The author's voice is his own, weighing up his decisions. And if he is the author here, it only reinforces that the person making the rules of this game is him. You can even extend it further to the idea of the debuffs, where he puts in place this thing that makes it so he causes harm to yeowoon when he's around, and its only by garnering affection that he can prevent it. He gives himself a reason from the get go to stay away from yeowoon and reason it as him doing it for yeowoon's safety, when in fact the only way to make yeowoon safe is to increase his affection, which he can only do by being near him. Its a system that at first gives myungha a reason to stay away aka not like himself, but ultimately says the only way you're going to make yeowoon like you, or the only way you can like yourself, is if you accept risk. And that in itself screams to me of a myungha writing in these game systems that are trying to encourage his own-self love while falling at the hurdle of his own lack of self-worth.

The idea is still messy in my head even for me, but i just really like the idea that myungha could be trying to fix this thing both as a character and game master, and that both these versions of him have these flaws that manifest in their different ways to cause the events we see. It kinda is the definition of being your own worst enemy, the idea that in order to work towards loving yourself, the biggest obstacle you have to encounter is yourself, bc we are the ones holding ourselves back, making all these rules that make it harder to like ourselves and pursue our own happiness. The voices in our head telling us that we aren't good enough and aren't deserving are our own, and while the things that happen to us can inform what they say, we're the one's reinforcing those words. And what this show teaches us is that, if we're the one holding that pen all along, we can choose to change what those words are. If we make the rules, you don't have to create a game with concrete ultimatums, you can create a game where rules don't control you. Instead, you make the decisions, and you can make the ones that make you happy.

[samarecharm]

People who really like shuake also seem to write themselves into a corner wrt Akechi and his relationship to Akiras team. Contrary to popular belief, the team, including Haru, does not hate Akechi. At worst, they tolerate him and deal with his attitude. Hes a good teammate and respectable fighter and the team recognizes that at the end of the day, he was a teenager who was manipulated and abused by a man who saw him as disposable. Just about every thief understands this intimately. They have the same mindset wrt adults who take advantage of the people beneath them. Under different circumstances they wouldve been friends. And if u approach it from that angle, it becomes less about Akechi being the sole person who ‘gets’ Akira, and more about the thieves being the only people in the world who ‘get’ Akechi.

When you expand your thoughts to include the thieves as members of his Team and not roadblocks that get in the way of your ideal shipping dynamic, you allow urself to give Akechi and Akira more depth and nuance to their own relationship.

Akira and Akechi are wildcards; both of them struggle with the face they choose to display to the world. Its the first time Akira interacts with someone who is, at a literal, technical level, his ‘equal’. But Akechi is one of many firsts for Akira yeah? Every thief has their bond with Akira thats completely unique and personal. Akechi will never be the person who witnesses Akiras Awakening, hes never the person who watches Akira have his restless nights alone in the attic, and hes never the person who realizes in real time that the teenager hes housing is just Some Kid, not the delinquent hes been warned about. Hes not Ann or Yusuke, or any of the thieves; he doesnt have the time or experience that they have with Akira, and I think its interesting to explore that part of their relationship, shippy or not.

Akechi is someone who is incredibly lonely and self depreciating despite his cockiness and attitude. He has no positive bonds to speak of save for his connection with Sae. To have him see a team that works together and cares for each other, how do you think he would feel? Out of place? Inferior in some way? Angry about how hes been alone for so long in this single minded quest for revenge? Wouldnt that be a point of struggle between the two of them? I think what makes shuake good for me is knowing that Akechi needs alot of time to heal, and the thieves would want to help with that process. They do it bc they care, bc Akira cares, and bc they trust Akiras opinion (and he trusts theirs in return); if Akira feels like Akechi is someone who can be trusted Now after everything thats happened, then the thieves would do their best to help. And how would Akechi feel about that? Angry about the show of pity? That even now, he has no real say in what happens to him? Or begrudgingly grateful that they are cordial with him? Because they do care, he KNOWS they care, they care TOO MUCH actually; but the one thing he values over brawn and wits is honesty- fighting for what you believe in without having to use soft words to justify it.

[necrotic-nephilim]

for the ask game

tim creates a clone of kon, but this is dicktim tim has to carry the fetus or breastfeed it, but dick suddenly gets a mommy kink and immediately falls in love

for the ask game!

DICKTIM MOMMY KINK. how did you know i have such a thing for just about any Batcest ship where the other person calls Tim mommy. i don't even know why i just think that shit is so fun.

it'd have to be Omegaverse for me, that's the only scenario i personally could write m-preg. i like the thought of no one knowing that Tim has gone on this crusade. and after 99 failures, Tim's so desperate and angry he tries in vitro fertilization. the first few times it doesn't work so he doesn't take it too seriously, at this point it's just a compulsion. he gets to a point he stops taking the pregnancy tests. so when about a month later, he's experiencing morning sickness and he's missed his heat, Tim has an 'oh, shit.' moment. and well. telling Dick first is his *natural* answer. (i think he'd also go to Steph, but in canon she'd be "dead" at this point) Tim doesn't know what to do, he didn't think he'd get this far. Dick is comforting and grounding, agreeing to help Tim hide this the best he can. Tim has to time it right, fake a bad injury so it makes sense he's benched and wearing baggy sweaters for a few months.

it's platonic at first. Dick is an alpha but his bond with Tim is more of a pack bond and he's just trying to help Tim through this awkward situation he got himself into. (and not laugh at him too much in the process bc well. only Tim. only Tim could manage this.) the pregnancy hormones have Tim all over the place. he's seeking comfort and Dick is trying to keep it platonic and professional, even when he's cuddling Tim or bringing him weird cravings at 2 am. the trust in Dick and Tim's bond makes Dick Tim's only real support system. (also just bc the Titans were a goddamn mess in this era) maybe at some point they tell Bruce the truth but Bruce is dealing with Jason so. bigger fish. it forces them closer as Dick is the only one who can help Tim with the awkward sides of pregnancy. Dick is basically living with Tim and because Tim can't satiate the itch to be in the field (he's tried sneaking out, it earned him a lecture from Dick and a warning that Dick would handcuff him to the radiator if Tim tried that again) so Tim runs comms. for anyone who asks, but mostly for Dick, to the point he's in Dick's ear even when Dick doesn't need the backup, just to keep each other company.

i think, as the pregnancy went on and Tim's chest started to fill out and his hips are bigger, that's when Dick's feeling shift. one second Tim is just his pack, the next Tim is suddenly a very pretty, very vulnerable omega that's Dick is protecting and his wires get all kinds of crossed about it. he starts dousing himself in scent blockers so Tim doesn't notice the change, can't smell how much Dick wants him. which makes Tim annoyed because Dick's scent has been a consistent calming factor keeping the worst of his hormones in check. it'd lead to an awkward fight where Dick is dancing around the truth and Tim just wants to bite him out of anger. finally, Dick admits it and. Tim kind of bluescreens bc sure he's had a crush on Dick for years, but it's sort of like your celebrity crush calling you up and asking for a date. it makes no sense and he can't wrap his head around it. he almost thinks Dick is making fun of him, because Tim is super self-conscious about the pregnancy and mortified he put himself in this situation. it takes a lot of reassurance and a long conversation, but. well, they do end up having sex.

Dick doesn't *mean* to call Tim mommy the first time. he knows Tim hates being emasculated as an omega, and knows Tim is vulnerable about being pregnant. their sex is gentle, no matter how much Tim insists he can take it because Dick doesn't want to hurt the baby, or Tim. it's when Tim finally huffs with annoyance and flips them over -reminding Dick that Tim is still trained and deadly, even like this- to take control and actually get the rough sex he needs right now, when it slips out. there's something just very pretty about Tim taking control and taking what he needs from Dick, but still being whiny and squirmy on top of him. so the first time Dick calls him mommy is an accident and they're *both* startled by just how much they like it. their sex life goes from soft and caring to *very* interesting overnight, where Dick doesn't hide how much he likes Tim's chest. and well. breastfeeding kink. for completely scientific reasons, of course. just to help the milk flow and make sure Tim's body is adjusting well. definitely not bc of the noises Tim makes when Dick does it no sir.

when Tim finally has the clone baby, they're both smitten with this tiny clone. i think they'd end up mating and either say it's Dick's baby or they adopted it. (the lie only works short term bc well, sooner or later that baby's going to start lifting trucks. not to mention Kon does come back to life and is perturbed by how much Tim's kid looks like him.) it's a very cute, fluffy happily ever after sort of deal, with plenty of mommy kink. i think Tim would be huffy and annoyed at how long he'd have to wait for sex bc in my mind, Tim uses sex as a stress relief and is very annoyed when he's deprived of it so, they'd find creative ways around it.

[quietlyblooms]

alrighty, friends, i feel the need to be a little transparent because it's affecting things here. the short version of everything is: i'm not doing so hot in the mental health department. no one needs to be concerned -- i'm okay even if i'm having a hard time. but i just ask that everyone continues to be patient and understanding bc i promise that i'm excited to write and chat!! both new and old mutuals, i have so much admiration for you all!! the problem is that the discomfort and sensitivity i feel are making it increasingly difficult to be punctual and social.

so what does this mean? it means my activity may continue to be extra slow. i might procrastinate with messages or go completely silent. i might not log on some days just so i don't have to use my brain. but however my presence here fluctuates, i promise that in no way this is a reflection of my feelings towards you or our muses. i'm just going through it.

all that said, thank you for being here <3 thank you for filling my dash with things that make me smile, and thank you for being a space where i can relax. i care about all of you so much, and i encourage you to be kind to yourselves!! take breaks!! take your time!! your happiness and health matter first always.

[antidotefortheawkward-art]

how fucked up would you be if you were told the embodiment of the worst parts of you was capable of killing members of your family

[ID: A sketchy two panel sepia comic. In the first panel, Sun Wukong is dressed in traditional deep mourning garb and kneeling before a grave, back to the viewer. The second panel is a close-up on his face. He has a hollow, terrified wide-eyed expression and half of his face is in deep shadow. He thinks, "Could I have done the same?" End ID]

[pmatga]

so here's my latest pmatga idea

bitter exes: old man edition™

[bunnihearted]

i cant fully control my emotions during a breakdown and then i come out of it and im like oh fuck........ ._.

[shesmore-shoebill]

realistically it was /technically/ a work thing/their job, but there is something special about chanse, angela and amanda being the ones to be involved with the wedding announcement/smosh mouth episode prank. when the new cast came on to the channel they got labeled kff as “not being a part of smosh” but now here they are getting involved with something so monumental even if in a silly goofy way :)

Aw yeah, thats true, thats fun and really sweet :) Yeah like, we shouldnt get it twisted, its a job thing first and foremost and was most likely planned and executed with that intent. But i think thats really fun in its own way, like, its kind of wild and goofy and fun to get to do this kind of thing for a /job/, for people you're close to + like! (Which, yes I'm assuming they are. Even on just a coworker level.)

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

i only just found your au and i need everyone to have a happy ending so badly im gonna cry ;-; sally is gonna be so freakin upset when she wakes up for real and sees she decimated barnaby.

oh, Barnaby already has his arm stitched back on when she wakes up! and really, even if he didn't, that'd be the Least of her worries. she wakes up into a Real nightmare - partially of her (unintentional) making

[ambrosiagourmet]

It’s hard to say how much of this is me projecting, but I do think that part of the point of dunmeshi is the group learning not to put Falin on pedestal and instead let her be her own person whom their lives do not revolve around even as they continue to love her. And in that context I think it’s kind of a bummer that the fandom kinda sorta puts Falin on a pedestal

[moe-broey]

The. (2)

[alicentsgf]

finding out someone you liked years ago liked you back might be the worst thing that has ever happened to any Me ever... i have the sudden lesbian urge to get on a plane.

[superfluouskeys]

wip actually wednesday! ♥

I was certainly not tagged by non-tumblr-user @menzosarres in my personal favorite form of social media, being snapchatted a tumblr post, but anyway, I have chosen to bother you all with more original thing because it's been awhile and also I want to and it makes me happy :) I'm also sharing two snippets bc see above :) and also the sections are related but my transitional sections in this part are a bit of a mess rn LOL.

I really need a better sorting system this is starting to become egregious.

part 1 || part 2 || part 3 || part 4

I'm doing a cop-out and saying if you want to do the thing pls feel free to consider yourself tagged!

==

“Back already, Sister?”

Tamsin startles.  Althea turns with poise and grace.  The owner of the voice is not nearly so imposing in her stature as Althea, but no less regal in her countenance.  Her flaxen hair is arranged delicately around her shoulders, accentuating the delicate shape of her face.  She wears a dress of deep red that appears to Tamsin a bit more fashionable than what Althea prefers, fitted at the waist and flared out down to her ankles.

“Sister Maren,” Althea nods cordially.  “There was an unexpected development.”

Maren’s sharp eyes fall upon Tamsin.  “So I see.”

“May I introduce Tamsin of Godsplace?” says Althea.

Tamsin glances nervously between them.  “Uh.  Pleased to meet you.”

She attempts a surpassingly awkward curtsey.  Maren’s thin-lipped smile exudes haughty derision.

“Yes,” says Maren.  “A pleasure, I’m sure.”

“So, as you can see, I’ll need to take her to get settled in and find someone who’s available to initiate her.”

Maren hums, a short, affected sound.  “I can teach her,” she says, with a sharp-eyed glance toward Tamsin, “if you want it done properly.”

Althea laughs.  “I think I’d prefer that our newest student survive her first week.”

Maren’s brow twitches in subtle annoyance at the jab.  “Suit yourself,” she says primly.  “But don’t come crying to me when Sister Helie teaches her whatever it is she’s calling proper form these days.”

“Did you need something, Maren?” Althea asks her evenly.

Maren scoffs.  “And here I thought I was coming to greet an old friend,” she replies mildly.  “Yes, as it happens, but I didn’t know you’d have company.  Come and find me, when you can spare the time.”

She turns to leave without waiting for an answer, her red skirts twirling dramatically around her.  Before she gets very far, though, she stops abruptly and turns back toward Tamsin.  “Oh, and,” she begins, and then curtseys low, curling her hand into a fist somewhere near her heart.  “Well come and well met, little sister.”

Tamsin watches her go in stunned silence.

“Well,” says Althea, with muted amusement.  “What a welcome.  Let’s get you settled, shall we?”

She sets off with surety, and Tamsin is left to scramble after her.

“Is she really a teacher?” Tamsin wonders, for lack of a better way to begin.  Tamsin does not have much experience with teachers, but the small handful of schoolteachers in Godsplace are all kind, if somewhat harried women, all but one among them (who but recently began as a sort of apprentice) much older and married with children.

Tamsin supposes Maren could be much older than she appears, but she certainly doesn’t have the air of patience Tamsin would expect from a teacher.  Tamsin wonders if teachers are very different here at the Academy.

“You doubt her suitability?” Althea wonders, still with that lilt of amusement about her voice.

“Oh, no, I only—“

“It’s understandable, but I assure you Sister Maren is an excellent teacher, and has an excellent heart besides.  Her style, however, is…not for the faint of heart, shall we say.”

“That was sort of what I was wondering about,” says Tamsin.

“Oh, you’ll see soon enough,” says Althea. 

==

Whatever Tamsin is expecting, Teacher Helie is not it.  She is noticeably slight of frame, particularly set against Althea, not quite plump but with an air of softness about her, and the silvery blonde of her hair and eyelashes gives her the look of one lightly dusted with the morning dew.  She greets Tamsin in the same way Maren did, except that it is not the same at all.  The curtsey, the gesture, and the words all bear the conviction of deepest sincerity.

“Tamsin cannot see the Gift thus far,” Althea tells Helie, “and it’s my impression she still doubts me when I tell her she possesses it at all.”

Tamsin ducks her head, embarrassed, although the words are true.

“Oh, dear,” says Helie gently, reaching out for Tamsin’s hands, “we Forgotten must never bow our heads in shame!”  Her voice matches her countenance, soft and sweet, and with the lilt of an accent Tamsin does not recognize.  When Tamsin takes her hands and looks up, she notices that Helie’s eyes are unusually pale, as though painted with the same brush as her hair and lashes.

Helie smiles kindly and squeezes Tamsin’s hands.  “Every Gift, big or small, is precious,” she says, with the same heart-wrenching conviction as well come and well met.  “And I believe that no Gift is an accident.”  She leans in, almost conspiratorial.  “The Gift wants to be used, you see.  Even the tiniest sliver of magic, in the right hands, may one day take the world by storm.”

“See?  Just as I’ve been saying,” says Althea, pleased, but restrained as ever.  “And with that, I shall leave you in Sister Helie’s capable hands.”  To Tamsin’s surprise, Althea then mimics the greeting the others have bestowed upon her.  Althea’s version is not sarcastic, but neither is it effusive.  Althea makes the gesture seem somehow ordinary, as though it were the way one should always expect to be greeted.  “Well come and well met, little sister,” she says with a regal curtsey.  “If there’s anything you need, your teachers can likely provide it, but nevertheless, please do not hesitate to seek me out.”

“Ah,” Helie sighs musically when Althea closes the door behind her.  “Forgive me for saying so, Tamsin, but you must really have left an impression on Sister Althea.”  She chuckles lightly.  “Normally she doesn’t like to be sought out by anyone.”

Tamsin picks at her skirt self-consciously.  “She could have just been saying that to be polite.”

Helie laughs.  It is a bright, joyful sound.  “Believe me when I tell you, Sister Althea doesn’t 'just say' anything.  And certainly not for the sake of politeness!”

Helie leads her to the front of the classroom, and pushes some of the frontmost desks out of the way.  “Now,” she begins.  “I’m sure Althea’s told you, but just to reiterate, it’s not at all unusual to be unable to see the Gift at first, particularly if you were raised in an environment where magic was not commonplace.”  She taps her temple.  “Our eyes can play tricks on us, you see.  We see what we expect to see, and our very minds are wont to ignore what doesn’t make sense to us.”

Tamsin considers this.  The statement somehow sparks both comfort and anxiety.  She wonders how much of her life she has somehow misremembered.  She wonders if perhaps there were signs that she had the Gift and she simply didn’t have the eyes to see them.  She wonders, with a sudden and intense twinge of remorse, if she could have escaped sooner, or if she’d have even thought to try.

“For those who cannot see, I find it’s best to start with feeling,” Helie continues.  “Now, don’t be discouraged if this doesn’t work right away, either.  Many of us are inclined to ignore what our bodies tell us, too.”

Tamsin lets out a breath of something like laughter.  “You make it sound a bit bleak.”

Helie considers this with a subtle furrowing of her delicate brow.  “Bleak?” she echoes.  “Oh, not at all, dear.  Perhaps you’re thinking of the time you’ve lost?  Wishing you’d realized earlier?”

Tamsin averts her gaze.  “You’ve read my mind, I’m afraid.”

Helie shakes her head.  “Whatever happened in the past, Tamsin, you’ve made it all the way here.  That is no small feat.  Where you are now is already so very different from where you started.  We Forgotten sacrifice much, but what we gain is…immeasurable.”

She holds out her hands, palms upturned, but it feels somehow different than before.  Tamsin watches her for a moment, hesitant, until Helie nods her encouragement.

Tamsin takes her hands.

She looks up, trying and failing to hide her disappointment.  She had expected something to happen.

“Close your eyes,” says Helie.

Tamsin closes her eyes.

“Take a deep breath.”

Tamsin breathes.  Her chest is tight, and she realizes only now that she is trembling.

“Another,” Helie directs.  “Breath by breath, let go of your fear.”

Tamsin breathes again.  But another voice echoes in the back of her mind, the man from the Town Square back in Godsplace.  Do you know fear?  How will you find peace?  Burn her, burn her, burn her—

Tamsin staggers back from Helie, heart racing, gasping for air, and with tears in her eyes.  “I’m sorry,” she stammers.  “I’m sorry, I really tried, I—“

“Oh, dear,” Helie soothes, with hands gently patting her arms.  “I see now.  Your power frightens you.”

Tamsin scrubs at her face, but the tears will not stop flowing.  It’s like the whole journey has come crashing back into her all at once, the horror of the screaming girl in the Square, the sorrow at the loss of a dear friend to an archaic tradition, the muted fury at the way her mother treats her, the terror at what would befall her at the whim of Teddy Page, and then--!

And then, perhaps worst of all, the hope!  The horrible, heart-rending hope that someone had come to save her at last, that everything would be different from now on--and the shame, that a nothing and a nobody should dare to want such change for herself, let alone allow herself to have it.

Tamsin covers her face, unable to stop her crying.  Helie continues patting her arms, and she speaks in a soft, soothing tone.  “It’s all right now, Tamsin,” says Helie.  “It always hurts the most before it starts to heal.  And can I tell you something else?”

Again Tamsin attempts to dry her eyes.  She sniffles miserably.  Helie withdraws, and digs a handkerchief out of her pocket, which she offers to Tamsin.

“Some people think foreswearing home and family and all that came before is the hardest part about becoming Forgotten.  And for them, that may be true.  But it’s not just about dedicating yourself to your craft, or to your sisters.”

Helie pats her shoulder again, more firmly this time.  “It’s about letting go,” she says with a smile, “of what is holding you back.”

The gravity of her words stuns Tamsin into a state of calm, and she is able to dry her eyes at last.

“Shall we try again?” Helie asks her.

Tamsin nods.

Helie moves away, back to the center of the space, giving Tamsin room to follow her.  Tamsin watches the way she holds herself, the way she presents her hands to Tamsin, like there is some sort of strength flowing through her arms, even though Helie doesn’t look remotely like the sort of person one would consider physically strong.

Tamsin tries to imitate Helie’s posture, squaring her shoulders and taking a deep breath before she approaches to take Helie’s hands.

“I can see what you’re thinking,” says Helie with a wry smile.  “You don’t want that to happen again.  But it might.”

Tamsin falters.  She withdraws her hands, and so does Helie.

“You have a lot of pain,” says Helie kindly.  “I’d guess it’s pain you barely even knew was there.  It won’t just go away like that.”

“Then…” says Tamsin uncertainly, “what should I do?”

“Let it all in,” says Helie.  Again, she presents her hands.  “The pain, yes.  But also the joy.”

Tamsin nods.  She takes Helie’s hands, and closes her eyes like before.

“Breathe in,” says Helie.  “Feel your fear, your sorrow, your anger.  Then breathe out, and let it go.”

Tamsin breathes in.  It’s like being outside in the dead of winter.  Her chest aches, and she is still trembling.  Dozens of burnings flash before her eyes, each one the same, each one an injustice.  Her cheeks burn with the shame of her namelessness, her ingratitude toward the woman who didn’t have to raise her, even in spite of everything Mrs. Burkow did and said.  Whatever Tamsin imagined in the recesses of her mind, she had always expected to lead an unremarkable existence.

But Tamsin is no longer unremarkable.  And it no longer matters that she has no family and no name.  Tamsin is here because Keeper Althea saw something in her that no one else ever could.  Tamsin is here because she has the Gift, because Althea believes she has the Gift, and so she must have the Gift, because, because—

Tamsin gasps, and she almost withdraws her hands, almost opens her eyes.  She feels…something, like a tingle beneath her hands, like some sort of invisible energy is radiating from Helie’s palms, real enough to touch.  She holds on tighter, as though she could get more of the feeling just by pressing down, but the tingle remains subtle, distant, like the fleeting remnants of a wonderful dream.

“Do you feel it?” Helie whispers, but there is a smile in her voice.  She already knows the answer.

“Yes,” Tamsin breathes.  Again there are tears in her eyes, but she isn’t embarrassed.  These are tears of joy.

[thousand-winters]

This isn't gonna be 1k each, is it...

[fantastic-mr-corvid]

bro why the fuck is understanding my gender locked behind reckoning with my traumatic childhood and the de-gendering & social masculinization i went though due to poverty and having to turn to masculinity/male social systems due to being rejected from girlhood at a young age and needed a social systems to protect myself from the consequences of being an autistic traumatized gifted student.

cant i just have a quick answer? a shortcut? without dredging all that up? without getting a PHD in gender-studies? please??