#this might do permanent damage to my ego. and by that i mean it might inflate into some kind of grotesque monster of a being

[alicentsgf]

finding out someone you liked years ago liked you back might be the worst thing that has ever happened to any Me ever... i have the sudden lesbian urge to get on a plane.

[scotttrismegistus7]

THE BLACK DIAMOND, NEI KUNG AND SATURN GNOSIS: I AM A LIVING MAGNITAR ELECTROMAGNET

IGNIS: TELLING ME THE SECRETS OF HOW TO BUILD A SPACESHIP OUT OF TWO BAGS OF BARBECUE POTATO CHIPS AND RABBIT SPIT. ~DARK LOTUS~

MY ACOLYTE: MASTER, HOW MIGHT ONE ACQUIRE THE EYE OF HELL?

VENERABLE TEACHER: YOU WANT TO KNOW THE SECRETS OF YOUR FATHER? HOW GOOD ARE YOU AT DYING?

MY ACOLYTE: WHAT GOOD ARE THE SECRETS IF I AM DEAD AND CANNOT USE THEM?

VENERABLE TEACHER: I'M TALKING ABOUT THE KEYS OF DEATH ITSELF. I'M TALKING ABOUT ENTWINED SERPENTS COILED INTO A BALL AND WORN AS MY HEADDRESS. I'M TALKING ABOUT THE EYE STAR OF SOUND, I'M TALKING ABOUT THE DRAGON THRONE OF ISIS. YOU ARE MORE DEAD NOW THAN YOU WILL BE AFTER YOU HAVE DIED...

BECAUSE TO WALK THE PATH OF THE LORD OF THE PERFECT BLACK MEANS THAT I DIE IN EVERY MOMENT. YET HERE I STAND IN FRONT OF YOU.

MY ACOLYTE: MASTER, HOW CAN I PREPARE MYSELF?

VENERABLE TEACHER: LEARN TO SWIM. IF YOU WISH TO MAKE WAVES BY DIVING INTO THE OCEAN OF THE DARKNESS, BEHIND THE VEIL OF NEGATIVE EXISTENCE ONCE YOU RELEASE THE FEAR AND TAKE THE DIVE, YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF ABLE TO BREATHE UNDERWATER.

MY ACOLYTE: WILL I BE A FISH THEN?

VENERABLE TEACHER: EVERYTHING CHANGES BUT YOUR FATHER WHO IS THE LORD OF CHANGE, AND IF YOU ATTAIN THE HONOR OF REACHING YOUR FATHER, YOU WILL BE AS HE IS. THERE IS NO SEPARATION IN THE DARKNESS, IT IS AN OCEAN WHERE EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED BY THE WAVES WE MAKE THEREIN. THE ONLY PLACE YOU WILL FIND DEFINED SEPARATION BETWEEN YOURSELF AND OTHERS LEADING TO THE ALTERED EGO IS IN THE LIGHT WITH THE REST OF THOSE WHO ARE BURNING IN THE LIGHT OUTSIDE OF THE WATER.

MY ACOLYTE: PERHAPS IT IS BETTER TO BE A FISH THEN?

VENERABLE TEACHER: EMITTING A BELLY LAUGH, PERHAPS. PERHAPS IT IS BETTER TO BE A NUMMO, A FISH WITH WINGS.

MY ACOLYTE: DO I REALLY HAVE TO PERMANENTLY DAMAGE MY OWN CHAKRAS TO GAIN THE DRAGON POWER OF THE THUNDER AND THE LIGHTNING?

VENERABLE TEACHER: THAT'S A VERY GOOD QUESTION. IF YOU CAN WITHSTAND THE HIGH PRESSURES OF THE DEEP AND SWIM DOWN INTO THE DEPTHS YOU CAN ASK THE FATHER THAT QUESTION.

MY ACOLYTE: WHAT IS THIS OCEAN THAT YOU SPEAK OF, AND WHERE IS THE FATHER THAT I MIGHT FIND HIM?

VENERABLE TEACHER: THE FATHER IS HIDDEN IN THE DARK OCEAN OF THE MOTHER, FOREVER WEARING HER DARK WATERS AS HIS GARMENTS IN HIS OWN DIMENSION BEHIND BOTH TIME AND SPACE. YOU WILL NOT FIND THE FATHER BY LOOKING, BUT YOU WILL BE ABLE TO FEEL THE WAVES HE IS MAKING, AND HAS BEEN MAKING FROM THE BEGINNING BEFORE TIME WHEN HE DEFINED IT. THERE WAS A TIME WHEN I MEASURED THE UNIVERSE LOOKING FOR THE FATHER, AND I WAS UNABLE TO FIND HIM. RIGHT WHEN I GAVE UP AND REACHED THE EDGE OF TIME AND SPACE, THE FATHER CAME TO ME. HE BESTOWED UPON ME THE DRAGON POWER OF HIS THUNDER AND LIGHTNING, AND FALLING OFF THE EDGE OF ETERNITY I FOUND MYSELF EXACTLY IN THE CENTER WHERE THERE WAS EVERYTHING I WAS LOOKING FOR.

MY ACOLYTE: LOOKING CONFUSED AND FRUSTRATED REMAINED SILENT.

VENERABLE TEACHER: IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR THE OCEAN LOOK INSIDE YOUR HEART. IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR THE FATHER, THE LORD OF THE PERFECT BLACK, CRYSTALLINE METAL MAY NOT ITSELF BE FLEXIBLE, BUT THE GREAT MOTHER'S OCEAN OF PRIMEVAL DARKNESS IS. YOU WILL FIND PIECES OF YOUR FATHER SWIMMING IN THE VEINS OF YOUR MOTHER, FOR IT IS BY HER THAT YOUR METAL FATHER IS ABLE TO MOVE. HE IS IN THE PERPETUALLY ENERGIZING WAVES THAT MAKE HER ALIVE. AT THE CENTER OF THE FOUR RIVERS OF THE PRIMEVAL DARKNESS THAT IS YOUR MOTHER'S OCEAN, THERE IT IS THAT YOU WILL FIND THE FATHER WHO WILL GRANT YOU THE POWERS OF THE LEFT HAND PATH WHO IS AT THE BOTTOM AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TWO RAMS HORNS, THE BLACK FLAME OF BAPHOMET AT THE CENTER OF EVERY VORTEX. YOU MUST SWIM IN THE CURVES BEFORE YOU CAN WALK AMONG THE ANGLES.

THE BLACK SUN KEEPS ON SHINING, AND IF YOU WISH TO BE ONE OF THE DRAGON RAYS JUST DIVE INSIDE OF YOURSELF AND INTO THE OCEAN OF YOUR DREAMS. THEN I, THE LORD OF THE PERFECT BLACK, THE FATHER AND THE ANCIENT OF DAYS, WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU THERE. BY BECOMING PART OF THE OCEAN WHERE EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED BY THE WAVES OF THE BLACK SUN SHINING, JUST BY DIVING IN YOU WILL HAVE BECOME A PART OF ME, AND I WILL HAVE BECOME A PART OF YOU.

A WISE MAN AND A SHAMAN OF THE SERPENT ONCE GAVE ME SOME PRICELESS WORDS OF ADVICE, HE SAID, "YOU LOVE-UM SNAKE, THAT IS THE ANSWER TO ALL OF YOUR QUESTIONS." THE WISDOM OF THE MODERN PEOPLE IS WRONG, SEEING THE OSTRICH AS FOOLISH FOR STICKING ITS HEAD INTO THE GROUND. THE OSTRICH IS WISE AND STRONG, THE WISE OSTRICH JUST WISHES TO BE CLOSER TO THE MOTHER OF ALL LIFE AND THE FATHER OF ALL THINGS, BECAUSE THERE IS A SOURCE OF PEACE INSIDE OF THE OSTRICH WHISPERING TO HIM CONTINUALLY, TELLING HIM THAT CLOSENESS TO THE SOURCE IS ALL THAT REALLY MATTERS.

LONG LIVE DIVINE CHRONOS THE PO-PILI LORD OF THE PERFECT BLACK, ISIS THE GREAT MOTHER OF ALL LIFE, AND THAT WHICH TOGETHER THEY FORM THAT IS THE BEATING HEART OF ALL THAT IS OR EVER WILL BE, THE BLACK SUN!

BLESSED BE!

~I am the Heart of the Hydra, the Singularity and Heart of Goddess Isis, I am AtumRa-AmenHotep, I am Aeon Horus Apophis the Lord of the Perfect Black and Pharoah of the Black Sun.

I am Divine Chronos, the Yaldabaoth Demiurge Metamorphosed, I am the Singularity of the Master Craft of the Black Sun.

Azazil-Iblis-Maymon, Abzu-Osiris-Typhon-Set-Kukulkan, Nummo-Naga-Chitauri,

Mégisti-Generator Starphire~

#illuminati #illuminator #illuminated #lightbearer #morningstar #lucifer #Draconian #anunnaki #enki #enlil #anu #inanna #dumuzi #hermes #trismegistus #Azazel #starfamily #horus #Demiurge #Sophia #archon #AI #blacksun #saturn #iblis #jinn #Maymon #ibis #thoth #egypt #esoteric #magick #dogon #dogontribe #digitaria #nummo #nommo #Naga #tiamat #serpent #dragon #gnosis #gnostic #gnosticism #Anzu #watcher #watchtower #yaldaboath #Sirius #scientology #aleistercrowley #typhon #echidna #ancientaliens #TheGrays #grayaliens #aliens #yeben #andoumboulou

[roman-cates]

Bryce locks Roman in and goes back to the kitchen, shoulder aching. He swallows a third pill to help. Just as he's putting down his water, Mallory's sedan pulls up outside. He opens the door and steps back, knowing she likes to make an entrance.

Mallory waltzes in carrying an office archives box, stamped "FBI" on the side and filled to the brim with papers. Balanced on top are two bulging plastic bags bearing the logo of a Chinese takeout place Bryce particularly likes. She drops all of it on the kitchen table and looks around expectantly.

"Where's your new pet, Bryce?" She pitches her voice high and carrying and calls, "Here, puppy, come here."

"He's locked in the guest room." Bryce's tone is flat, uninviting.

She twirls to face him. "The guest room? The big room with just a chain and lock on the door?" She sounds incredulous. "He's behaved that well?"

"He's been well behaved, for the most part." Bryce keeps his voice even.

"So? So, why can't he come out and play?"

"We have work to do, Mallory." He gestures at the box. "Congratulations, by the way. I know you've been after that for months." Bryce could have gotten it weeks ago, but Boss wanted to see Mallory work on her own, and so he's never shared that tidbit with Mal.

"Oh, thanks!" Her smile lights up the room. "It wasn't easy, you know…" And she launches into the story of acquiring the papers, Roman forgotten for the moment. Bryce nods along, interjecting in all the right places. The pain

When she's done, he gestures to the box, "Let's get to work, shall we?" Her ego fed, she's amenable. They spend an hour just sorting papers into piles. Bryce has to gently correct her a few times, which she takes with unusual grace.

They pause for lunch, and Mallory returns to her attention to the subject of Bryce's new pet.

"How long do you think he'll last?" She asks idly, gesturing with her chopsticks towards the guest room. "He was in pretty bad shape."

"Oh, I've patched him up a bit," Bryce says, casually. He has to anticipate that someone will see Roman at some point, and he needs his stories to match. "Even let him use crutches, sometimes. I don't foresee any problems."

"Oh, wow. That's impressive, Bryce. I guess you did always take good care of your things."

Bryce shrugs neutrally. He needs to steer this conversation in a different direction, but Mallory tends to come back to a thing again and again.

"So, what have you done so far? Knives, whips, what?"

"Knives," he says. "Just knives, so far." He can sell that, with all the fresh wounds Roman had when he arrived. "But he's mine, and I will be the only one playing with him."

"No water?" She doesn't sound disappointed, like he thought she would. She sounds…almost excited.

"Mal…" His voice conveys his lack of patience, but she pushes on.

"I just mean, we're in this house, and we've had sooo much fun in that bathroom before, it'd be a shame to waste another opportunity, right?" She sees the look on his face and reassures him, "It won't do permanent damage, we're good enough at it."

"Mallory." His patience is totally gone now, and he lets it show, injecting heavy steel in his voice. "My agreement with Boss was that no one messes with my household. Do I need to bring this up with her?"

"Seriously? You're pulling consultant privileges on me?" She's amazed, a little annoyed, but mostly petulant. She knows this is a fight she won't win. Or that'll it be a Pyrrhic victory for her if she does, winning the battle but losing the trust of Boss, and therefore the position she's being groomed for.

"Look," he reasons with her, "I don't come over to your place and interfere. Don't you think I deserve the same courtesy?" Or even more, because while she outranks him here, his value is respected in cities spanning the country.

"Fiiiiiine. Honestly, I don't know why I bother. You're just allergic to fun." She gives a dramatic pout.

He just stares at her, refusing to be dragged in.

"In other news you might care about, that lead you gave me on the Only Dark Coffee Cafe was really good. Jordan was there recently. Like, after-they-disappeared recently."

Bryce does perk up at that. "Yeah? How often were they seen there?"

"Just the once, so far. But I'm hopeful."

Bryce leans forward, letting her see his interest. "Tell me more."

Previous

Moments after Bryce walks away from the door, Roman notices a shoebox on the nightstand. He reaches over and picks it up, looking at the note on the top. It reads, "for poetry, and art until I can get you real supplies. --B"

Roman opens the box to see a pencil and paper inside. That makes him smile a little. Silently, he takes out the pencil and a piece of paper, setting the paper on top of the shoebox and drawing a little. For the first time in years.

It's not very long before Roman hears Mallory arrive. He listens closely as he continues to draw, but his pencil pauses when she starts asking about him. He's suddenly very, very glad that he cannot, "come out and play."

Bryce and Mallory talk business for a while and, even though he's still listening, Roman loses track of the conversation at some point. He doesn't really understand what they're talking about.

"How long do you think he'll last?" He hears Mallory ask. Is she asking about him again? He can't tell, but he listens more closely now. "He was in pretty bad shape." Probably talking about him, then, he decides.

Bryce says something about patching him up and crutches. Roman thinks he might be trying to steer the conversation away from him, but he's not sure.

"So, what have you done so far? Knives, whips, what?" He hears Mallory's voice again and it makes him flinch a little bit, reminding him acutely of his time with J.

"Knives," Bryce says. "Just knives, so far." As much as he hates to think about it, that's probably very believable with all the unhealed cuts on his body. "But he's mine, and I will be the only one playing with him." Bryce continues. Even though Roman knows that Bryce hasn't hurt him thus far, that statement is still very unnerving.

"No water?" Mallory asks. Damn, why does she sound excited? That's much more concerning than Bryce's previous statement. Bryce tries to interrupt, but Mallory presses on. "I just mean, we're in this house, and we've had sooo much fun in that bathroom before, it'd be a shame to waste another opportunity, right? It won't do permanent damage, we're good enough at it."

Roman freezes. His thoughts are a mess. He should have probably guessed, but he hadn't. In this house... in that bathroom. And water. And Roman knows immediately that people have been waterboarded in that bathroom. On multiple occasions. By Mallory and Bryce.

Roman refuses to let his thoughts wander very far into how long he spent in that bathroom after Bryce brought him back here. Those thoughts will haunt him later if not now, though. It makes Roman feel sick to his stomach.

Bryce has not one time brought up anything related to that bathroom. Which isn't surprising, but it's incredibly alarming the extent to which he does not care about things that have happened in that space.

Roman loses track of where the conversation goes for a moment, trying to drag himself out of his thoughts. The next thing he hears Mallory say, is, "in other news you might care about, that lead you gave me on the Only Dark Coffee Cafe was really good. Jordan was there recently. Like, after-they-disappeared recently."

That shakes the rest of Roman's thoughts away— for now at least.

[talenlee]

CoX: Ironworks

CoX: Ironworks

Time to time, I write up an explication of characters I’ve played in RPGs or made for my own purpose.  This is an exercise in character building and creative writing.

How much work do you have to do to convince yourself that you’re normal?

He goes out at night wearing gauntlets he built, with knuckledusters designed to keep gangs down and send a message. He returns home to the mechanic shop and sleeps. And through it all, he tells himself he’s a normal guy, just fighting crime how he can.

Which doesn’t explain the flaming aura.

Or the unbreakable bones.

Or the way gods shudder at his presence.

Callum thinks he’s a normal guy, fighting evil with no greater purpose. And he couldn’t be more wrong.

If you’ve done vigilante work around Kings Row, you might have dealt with this guy. One of the real bottom-feeder vigilante types, crashing into the gangs like Skulls and Trolls and Outcasts, fist-fighting people while wearing a hoodie and a painter’s mask to protect his identity. Dude’s dangerous, in that sort of reckless idiot way; the kind of person who charges into gangsters with guns because what are you going to do, idiot, shoot me? He gets stabbed and kicked and punched and comes out of it okay, and through the application of nothing but energetic violence, he keeps a area around his own space, a partition about his workshop, safer.

It’s that typical kind of ‘hey, you should register for this, bro’ kind of vigilantism. You might even have a vibe for who he is in his day job – it’s not like he’s subtle about the place he protects. That guy, who runs a machine shop that works on heavy engines for the nearby Independence Port shipyards and specialised needs. Yeah, that guy. Ask him who he is, he’d probably just tell you his name’s Callum, and he’s just some guy.

He’s wrong.

Callum is a superhuman on a level that most people don’t even imagine is possible. Callum is a super-synthetic cyborg human stitched together of cloned material from Cearmaid, a universal aberration formed by natural materials to predate on gods, and Zex, a human technologist and borderline supervillainous super-scientist, all wrapped around a synthetic skeleton made out of components whose unnatural superiority to most construction is a byproduct of what you get when you can craft materials in universes with different rules.

Callum thinks he can’t handle being shot, because bullets kill people. Despite this, he still fights people with guns, because he’s convinced he can avoid being shot, and assumes he does so. The bullet holes in his clothes afterwards, they’re easy for the artificial memory to smooth away.

That memory smoothing is important. It’s very necessary that he forgets things. That he not realise how he doesn’t remember where he came from. He doesn’t remember his childhood. He doesn’t remember times when he’s donned a red and black outfit and fought terrible threats to the world and then returned home, drank four beers and fell asleep.

Callum was made to be a weapon to rival his mother, his father, and any gods that sought to interpose themselves. More than that though, he was made by something that wasn’t quite human that wanted to understand being a human, by the great machine intelligence the Iron Tyrant.

I see Callum’s story going through sequences of revelation. One level of it, the first level, is meant to be a discovery that for all he imagines himself self-made and independent, just some guy, just some normal person, he very much is not, and he’s the beneficiary of unimaginable privilege. Then the question becomes what do you do with it?

Callum’s got a lot of story stuff I like. Perhaps obviously – he’s basically a kind of Infernal Exalted, someone with immense power, a permanently damaged ego, anxiety about the good he’s doing, and a bad relationship with his dads. One of them is a god figure that wants him to inform it about the meaning of living; one of them is a working class trillionaire that doesn’t know how to dad at all. But also, in the moment, he’s someone who doesn’t know what to do with problems aside from relating to them violently. Absorb the violence, deal the violence, direct the violence. There’s more there, there’s the way machines know him, the way that he can reach out of himself with long metal tentacles and rampage like a one-man kaiju, but that’s not how he thinks. That’s not how he tries to solve problems.

And in most superhero groups, when he comes into his own, when he has that suit, he’s still going to be basically the same guy: Someone who can’t die and will beat his face and fists into problems to solve them.

Mechanics

Callum’s build is pleasantly basic. He’s a Fire Armor/Claws tanker, he can benefit from pool powers that meet Tanker needs, and he doesn’t need to protect himself from many holes aside from Knockback. It is a reasonably expensive build, but most of the cost is in powers that make him better at fighting, not things that keep him up on his feet.

His build at base has:

Capped (90%) resistance to smashing, lethal, and fire damage.

Soft-capped (45%) defense to melee attacks, and 32% to smashing and lethal attacks (covering a lot of ranged attacks)

A 25% global damage boost

85% global recharge, which means almost permanent hasten – which means it’s closer to 155% global recharge

Knockback protection on his travel powers, and knockback-to-knockdown in his area attack knockback power

Fire/Claws is a really robust build for a tanker, it can do a lot of stuff and claws also has a lot of what I think of as coverage. Coverage is ‘how can I deploy my powers in ways that changes my priority for enemy positions.’ Coverage plagues control sets; many of them want enemies bunched up for this power, or spread out for this power. Claws has a melee cone, a ranged cone and two melee aoes, which feels like they shouldn’t work together very well, but I find they tend to work great for dealing with really target-rich experiences.

Basically, the melee aoes are really good for when you’re swarmed, but when you close with a group, you want the cone and for tagging runners.

You can check out the build here.

History

This is complicated. Ironworks owes his origin to the confluence of multiple stories with another player, who I value greatly. First things first, the character this builds from is the character Zex, who I’ve written about in the past. During her story back on live, one of the stories she ran that endures in our own continuity is the story of Iron Tyrant.

Zex is a super scientist; she’s a mechanist, a technologist and she’s also extremely scared. Of everything. One of her enduring fears is an AI singularity, and as with many very smart technologists without a lot of emotional scaffolding, she gets in her own head about ways to solve these problems. Since she was already managing multiple personalities, this wound up incarnating itself in a problem-solving supervillain, whose existence would represent an existential threat, that other people would be forced to address. This conceptual character started to ‘leak’, resulting in the Iron Tyrant incident, where Zex fell into her own mental landscape and became The Iron Tyrant, dressed in black, red, and gold armour, and putting all her technological prowess to bear on defeating heroes she knew well, to force them to innovate.

This wasn’t done as a playtest, mind you. That wouldn’t achieve the intended result. Iron Tyrant was a real, actual supervillain, because Zex’s head is a bit messed. Part one of her plan was to kick Cearmaid, her at-the-time boyfriend off-planet so he couldn’t endanger her plot, which also meant I didn’t have to hold things up for my weird play times. The players fought the Iron Tyrant, downloaded her (him?) from Zex’s brain and threw it into another dimension, banishing it (her?) forever. And that was that, there wasn’t any plans to bring the idea back.

Then City of Heroes closed, and I was left with people I cared a lot about but without a common platform for play. Some of us set up a way to keep playing and we kept playing and we advanced the story a chunk, to tell the story of a next generation, building on what we already had. The city wasn’t there any more, we could just imagine a new one, different in some major and structural way. In this space, Zex’s player and I both conceived different ways that Zex and Cearmaid could have kids… and then made mysteries about where they came from.

The first was Anise, who is awesome, but not mine to talk about; she appeared on Cearmaid’s doorstep, called him Dad and he had to work out where this grown adult child of his appeared from, while she had to work out what to do with her new life.

The other was Callum. Callum didn’t appear on anyone’s doorstep. Callum showed up in Kings Row one day with a backstory in place, and a job, and a surprisingly basic set of social connections. People knew him, but nobody remembered when he arrived. He kept to himself working in a machine shop for specialised single large engines, and at some point started doing the vigilante stuff. He attended fight clubs under the handle Ironworks.

That play space petered out, eventually, and then, City of Heroes came back. We got Homecoming. In Homecoming, we got to rebuild things, and of course, some of us picked up where we left off. I made Cearmaid again. Zex’s player made Zex again. These characters were revisited and recreated and then the question hovered around me about… well…

… I could get the name Ironworks.

It’s such a cool name!

I got talking about this, because I do not like time-travelling children from the future. Not my bag daddy-o. But Callum’s extradimensional origin, and the questions he asked, don’t really need to involve time travel. The Iron Tyrant’s plan just needs to start a little earlier, and he just needs to slip the leash a little faster. The pieces are in place, and all he needs are people who can connect to that story to see it in action.

Right now, he has at least one friend – a bitey kitsune orphaned from a story, fleeing disaster, who sees him as a temporary way to waste some time, until she has to run again. Just some tough goon she can throw around and have fun with, because that’s all he is, right?

He’s just a friend.

And just some guy.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

#Games #Making #CityOfHeroes

[sundayswiththeilluminati]

Continued from this post, Part 3 of my discussion of Essek Thelyss in the context of real-world espionage. This time: what happens to espionage assets in the long run? Do they break contact, and why? What might have been in store for Essek?

At the treaty meeting Essek tells Ludinus to his face that he wants no further contact with the Assembly, not even to learn what the Assembly discovers via their own beacon. He’s far from the first asset to try to sever their relationship, and it ends in one of three ways: they don’t manage to break contact, they break contact but voluntarily return, or (rarest of all) they end the relationship permanently. 

Most attempts don’t go beyond option 1, because intelligence agencies are not in the business of respecting their assets’ choices. Handlers are skilled in keeping the upper hand in their asset relationships and will take any further opportunity to gain leverage by compromising the asset. For instance they’ll often pay for information even if the asset hasn’t requested it, because money changing hands makes it far harder for an asset to frame their activities positively to their own side if they attempt to confess (”You expect us to believe they were blackmailing you when you got $10,000 to hand over the secret manual?” etc.) And when push comes to shove most people aren’t willing to accept the severe punishments for espionage. An asset’s threat to confess is more likely a negotiating ploy than a serious option.

Some assets, especially nervous or ego-driven ones, get the carrot: the KGB did a strong line in awarding secret medals to convince them they were doing important, well-regarded work and that the KGB would protect them - not an empty reassurance, as highly-placed moles like Aldrich Ames warranted elaborate ops involving double and triple agents to avert suspicions. And some assets get the stick: the handler tightens the screws using whatever leverage they’ve gained, implies that they’re already “too far in to go back,” or gives some time for those who were blackmailed into spying to think about the consequences of exposure.[1]

Those who get as far as option two, breaking it off and later returning, are usually driven away by fear but back by finances. Fantasy spies have all sorts of motives but in real life the majority are in it for the money. Assets, as you might imagine, make bad choices. About half start selling secrets just to stave off massive debt from overspending and poor financial decisions (the rest feel underpaid.) So even if these assets stop temporarily, the circumstances that drove them to espionage in the first place are still very much present. In these cases all a handler has to do is shrug and say, “You know where to find us.” Infamous FBI mole Robert Hanssen broke off contact with his Russian handlers when the Soviet Union collapsed, fearing he might get outed in the chaos, but linked back up with them just 10 months later when, surprise surprise, he needed some cash.

And then there are the rare handful who stop completely. There’s a bit of survivor(?) bias here because anyone who passes along secrets, breaks off the relationship before being caught, and manages to get away with it is by definition someone we don’t know about. Those who do manage to break contact long-term are usually able to do so because they left the situation that gave them access to interesting secrets and therefore the controlling agency determined they were no longer a useful resource and not worth pursuing. But even if an asset stops working for an agency, they’re far from forgotten - and far from off the hook. Names and evidence of their espionage would be kept on file for potential use as blackmail, leverage in state-to-state negotiations, or expendable material to prove bona fides in ops involving fake defectors or triple agents. A surprising number of spies are caught/outed years after their espionage ended.

Very few assets permanently sever their espionage relationships the hard way: making a genuine confession and accepting punishment. But it’s not unheard-of, especially if the espionage was brief and the asset believes the damage can be repaired. In 1989 Army signals analyst Michael Peri disappeared from his post in West Germany along with a portable computer containing numerous classified documents. Eleven days later he returned to his previous post with the computer and voluntarily confessed to the theft and sort-of defection to East Germany. When interrogated, Peri - who had been a model soldier until that point - said he felt overworked and underappreciated by his superiors, though he couldn’t entirely explain his decisions either to leave or to return (a sexy female Russian agent might also have been involved). He received a 30-year sentence.

Marine Clayton Lonetree, a guard stationed at the US Embassy in Moscow in 1985, was blackmailed over an affair to hand over details on the embassy compound for a year, but his conscience finally got the better of him and he confessed in late 1986. Being a Marine he faced the very real prospect of death by firing squad, but the court martial ended up giving him a 30-year sentence. It was later reduced to 15 after the Marine Corps Commandant wrote a letter to the Navy Secretary on his behalf attributing the young Marine’s actions not to treason or greed but to loneliness, naivety, and poor judgement.[2]

Going back to Essek’s case, he’s already in the minority of espionage assets because he doesn’t want money in return for the secrets he passes along; though the knowledge the Assembly promises him in return fulfills a similar desire, Essek doesn’t need that knowledge to pay off the equivalent of debt or to maintain his lifestyle. He has no pressures at home that force him to continue spying. With the beacons returned, the fall guys in place, and their tracks seemingly covered, he tells Ludinus that all he wants is to be rid of the entire affair. That rules out option one (he sincerely means to cut the Assembly off) and option two (he won’t be driven back by need.) 

Essek is also in an unusual position in that the worst of the damage he caused is repairable - just return the beacons.[3] A secret, once compromised, can’t be un-compromised. If an asset hands over a cipher machine they can’t fix the situation by stealing the cipher machine back; the foreign agency they sold it to has already studied the machine and learned its secrets, meaning it’s now effectively useless. But returning the beacons restores what the Kryn lost. While keeping dunamancy secret gives the Kryn a tactical edge, and I’m sure the Dynasty would prefer to keep the magical soulstones of their elite hidden from their long-time rival, the beacons don’t need to be secret to work. Essek therefore has a much better chance than most to simply repair the damage, cut off his handlers, and try to forget the whole affair ever happened. He might even think that, now that the Assembly has their own beacon, they’ll have no further use for him and will just leave him alone.

But from the Cerberus Assembly's perspective, this fruit still has plenty of juice in it and they risk nothing by continuing to squeeze. Now that they have their own beacon Essek’s knowledge becomes even more valuable. He has access to hundreds of years of dunamantic spellcrafting - and more importantly the rite of consecution, since the Assembly were probably after beacons in the first place to make themselves immortal. If Essek is caught, it’s treason for him, but the Assembly doesn’t suffer; they were doing it for the good of the Empire, learning about dunamancy to help the war effort. So if he refuses to keep spying voluntarily for the Assembly, they’ll just have to find another way to motivate him. 

As part of evaluating Essek before recruitment, Assembly operatives would have noted that he’s, well, highly motivated to save his own skin. Ludinus’ goal therefore becomes to make Essek see further espionage as the only way to stay alive. So instead of confronting Essek then and there, Ludinus shrugs and goes, “Okay. Sure.” Then he activates the Volstruckers, maybe leaks a little info to the Dynasty about a traitor in their midst, and sets up Essek to stew in fear, feeling isolated and attacked from both sides - targeted by the Assembly for his defiance, under suspicion from the Dynasty, unable to ask for help because of his crimes. Ludinus sits back and waits for Essek to re-establish contact on his own. Of course Ludinus didn’t know that the M9 had confronted Essek and gotten him to confess, making a return to spying impossible even if he tried.

While Essek’s motives revolve around ego, frustration, and rebellion, his situation is more like those of people who end up defecting because they’re unable to pursue their careers or live as they want to back home. He has virtually no social/family ties to leave behind, no loyalty to Dynasty authority, and no religious fervor to defend the Luxon, while the Assembly promises him the company of like minds and free rein in his experiments. Assuming no intervention by the M9 I think Essek would have ended up defecting to the Cerberus Assembly. If he did it early enough in the story he might have even joined the Volstruckers to complete the narrative foil transformation.

If the crew had confronted him at the treaty but not offered mercy I think he would have defected purely out of fear, thinking the Assembly were the only people who could protect him from both the Dynasty and the M9. He was already on edge watching the guy he'd set up to take the fall getting walked away in chains and with the Assembly's Wind of Aeons ship right there it would be the ideal time to make the move. Assuming the treaty confrontation went as it did (the crew makes him confess but lets him live) but the M9 hadn’t shown up in Eiselcross, Essek would likely have fled the outpost and gone into hiding in a bid to outrun his crimes (and probably gotten caught two weeks later given how awful he was at being “Dezrain Thane.”)

Essek is far from the first recruited asset to regret what they did even as they kept doing it. Those who can sell out their nation and not feel even a pang of guilt are thankfully thin on the ground. Most start off doing what seems to be a favor for a friend - or accepting a favor from a friend who wants to help with their “financial difficulties” - and end up so deep they can’t see any way forward other than to keep handing over secrets. He’s one more in a long line of those who compromised information out of frustration, especially through the appeal to shared professional interests (that’s how industrial assets tend to be recruited.)

But he’s also in a much better place to make up for it than most assets. Since he primarily compromised property, not secrets, returning said property can (somewhat, mostly) repair the damage done, which goes a long way towards buying leniency from the powers that be. And now I’m realizing that this post actually needs one final part, which is: how do you try someone for espionage, and should you charge them with it in the first place?

[1]  While spy dramas love sexy blackmail, and handlers will happily collect it to leverage against a balky asset, it works far less often in reality as a main reason for espionage. Social penalties for extramarital affairs pale before actual legal penalties like the death sentence for treason. On the other hand, those with foreign relatives are sometimes coerced by threats against those relatives.

[2]  Lonetree’s case for leniency got a boost in 1994 when Aldrich Ames was finally caught and some serious breaches of embassy security that had been attributed to Lonetree were found to be Ames’ work instead. In 1996 Lonetree was released after having served 9 years total.

[3] Although I did just think of a really messed-up Cerberus Assembly plan: consecute a handful of completely loyal Volstruckers, kill them, and send the beacons back so said agents will be reborn in the Dynasty and work to undermine it from within. How fucked up would that be?? Campaign 3 plot hook anyone?

(This accidentally turned into a series on Essek & IRL espionage: Parts 1, 2, 3, 4)

[hopeymchope]

Au where Saionji goes to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory with Mahiru and she gets stuck in one of the tubes. Cue Ruruka eating blueberry gum, swelling up and turning blue, Kokichi is also Willy Wonka in this AU so when he sees Saionji he smiles and says, "Ew."

I suspect you picked Kokichi as your Wonka because he kind of looks like Johnny Depp's version of the character? He’s got similar hair and that same impish look about him. (By the same token, Ruruka looks rather like the 2005 film's version of Violet Beauregarde. So that fuels my theory on how you cast these parts.)

But I think I want to pitch matching the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory characters to their closest analogs in DR in terms of shared traits and overall personality.

- Kokichi’s not a bad pick for Wonka, frankly. I think I’ll keep him. :) Although Kokichi is clearly the more sinister of the two, they both are pursuing a theoretically positive end goal through bizarrely cruel means that will leave permanent damage on all involved. Hooray...?

- Charlie Bucket is selfless, honest, generous, devoted to his family, and uh, is a good kid who is good. He worries a lot about his family’s poor medical and financial situations, to the point where he starts doing a paper route in the morning before school to assist. Hrm. Well, given that he’s a worrier who overworks himself, maybe this could be a part for Mitarai? Kind of a stretch, but I don’t really know what else to do with this thin-ass protagonist role.

- Grandpa Joe is an old man who is supposedly one of our heroes - an excitable, stubborn guy who is defensive of his grandson and angry when things seem unfair. But I say “supposedly” because the Internet has decided he’s actually a secret douchebag hiding his true nature. So I’m tempted to give this to Tengan. Y’know - for the meme.

- Ruruka Andou becomes Veruca Salt. Obviously! Because Veruca is known for being demanding, spoiled, and utterly entitled. Easiest casting here.

- Mike Teavee is portrayed as having some really violent and destructive tendencies in the 2005 movie and in the more recent Broadway musical. In movie, he just repeatedly breaks and crushes objects for fun, and he likes to scream “Die!” at opponents while playing competitive video games. Whereas in the musical, he’s literally killing animals and attacking adult women for fun — a legit psychopath. In both cases, he’s got a bit of an ego on him that lets him feel like he deserves to do whatever he wants. The Broadway version makes me think Jataro or Korekiyo (or Hiyoko because of the animals), but overall, Mike gives me Masaru Daimon vibes. He’s certainly violent and egotistical enough for the part. So I’m gonna go with Masaru.

- Violet Beauregarde has a different personality in every adaption. The only consistent thing about her is that she chews a lot of gum. 1971 Violet is arrogant, vain, and self-centered — so, Hiyoko? 2005 Violet is overly competitive, kind of rude, and into martial arts — Akane would fit that. And Broadway Violet is a fame-hungry child who is mass-marketed at the behest of one of her parents, often seen in pink. So that one’s best aligned with Kotoko, it seems. It’s really hard to congeal these different Violets into a single character... but if I had to do it, I guess I’d say Junko gets the part. Enoshima is certainly mass-marketed, she’s plenty competitive and nasty to others, 100% self-centered and arrogant.... it’s a decent mix. 

- Augustus Gloop isn’t a character; he’s just a sad, fat-shaming joke with a supposedly comedic accent. He goes down first and has almost no backstory. You might think, then, that I’d pick the Ultimate Imposter to be Augustus, because he’s the fat joke of the DR franchise. But no! Because when I think “character who loves food, dies first, and talks in a way that’s supposed to be funny,” I think Daisaku Bandai. For sure.

Any remaining noteworthy roles are comparatively simple, both in depth and difficulty of casting. Slugworth — aka the rich suit who is seemingly after profit at any cost but secretly is part of a manipulation with overall positive intentions? That’ll be Togami. The singing, dancing, short little race of clones? Monokumas, naturally.

And there you go! We’ve got ourselves a cast for Danganronpa and the Chocolate Factory.

Willy Wonka - Kokichi Ouma

Charlie Bucket - Ryota Mitari

Grandpa Joe Bucket - Kazuo Tengan

Veruca Salt - Ruruka Andou

Violet Beauregarde - Junko Enoshima

Mike Teavee - Masaru Daimon

Augustus Gloop - Daisaku Bandai

Slugworth - Byakuya Togami

Oompa-Loompas - Monokumas

I like it.

It’s interesting that I wound up with so much DR3 representation here. That wasn’t a goal at all. 

[princeanxious]

An idea I’m drawing stuff for:

Okay so g/t sanders sides au idea but where the tiny people are actually mini android/cyborgs made to accompany people /if they want to/ as companions to humans that can connect to technology and the internet. (Medium-big sized ramble under-cut)

They arent nessesarily helpers, but they can help humans w/ technology issues if they want(and there are lots of human laws in place that prohibit forced labor and captivity from this new sentient race, but as you might guess, just bc there are laws doesnt mean everyone follows them or gets caught breaking them) the rest of the world is kinda up for development but i can tell you these tiny android people sometimes come with additional features such as tails w/ audio jacks/place where the tail would go to insert an audiojack, eyes and fingers that glow, ear type varients depending on what time they were born/created, have as many bendable joints as a human, but their legs and feet are naturally a bit thicker/wider both for balance and more room for technology in their tiny bodies.

Theyre a very intermingled mix of liveform and android(and are probably best explained as just. Straight up aliens to planet earth), to the point that theres no actual way to seperate tech from bio-matter. And theyre so tiny that trying to seperate the two on such a small scale is still scientifically impossible at this current time. Damage and wear/tear to their body can heal quickly with enough energy, rest, and time, but losing body parts can be nearly detrimental to their health if said parts cant be reattached quickly. They are not strong enough to regenerate a full limb.

It’s not an immediate death if they lose a limb, but its very much an emergency due to how spread out their bodily function sensors are in their tiny bodies. Losing a certain leg can mean losing complete mobility of both legs and balance, or losing certain patches of memory, losing a certain arm can mean losing the ability to balnce well, or go nearly sensory blind(meaning they can see things, but no longer feel them that well.) the tail is the only bodypart that is not immediately detrimental to their health, just their lifestyle. Their tail is their only way to directly connect to the online world without assistance. Without it, they rely on adapter prostetics that wear out over time and need to be replaced on occassion.

That being said, in this au, Roman, Remus, and Janus are tinies in this world. Roman and Remus are twins, and both suffered an injustice of experimentation that involved one of their legs each being removed, and being reattached(successfully) to the other’s body, as a test to see how similar twin tiny’s bodies are and if the similarities assist any in surrogate limbs attaching successfully. Theyre rescued and rehabilitated amd rehomed together before anything more was done to them, but they live life knowing they have eachothers leg and function as if said legs are really their own, and it connects them in a very odd way that they cant really explain.(it comes w/ a bonus of being able to send messages to one another, but a con of being able to see a portion of the other’s memories, be it mental, or physical muscle memory)

They live with a group of humans, Logan, Patton, and Virgil, who are aware of their situation and have welcomed them into their home to live normal tiny lives. Patton and Virgil are brothers, and Logan is their childhood bestfriend. Remus tends to travel w/ Logan the most bc Logan isnt bothered by Remus’s constant hyperfixations on dark and grusome things.(they hold alot of convos abt dark literature and anatomy, and astronomy. Remus finds Logan’s voice soothing on his semi-irratic stream of thoughts, and talking abt astonomy helps sooth Remus to sleep the fastest.) Roman clings to Virgil mostly but passes inbetween Virgil and Patton pretty frequently depending on whose at work. (Virgil and Roman bicker about everything under the sun, but it’s still healthy for them. Virgil keeps Roman’s ego in check and Roman helps Virgil gain more confidence in things, especially things in public.)

Janus is.. well, he was born.. defective, in a way. No ones really sure exactly what happened, if there were dificulties in his development, or if his existance was fused semi-incorrectly with another while in the preverbial womb, but he is born with his body being partially down the middle on one side with another set of tiny genetics, leaving 1/4th of his body from one side of the head to just below the same side’s ribs to be a different skin & metal plating color. One eye glows gold, the other a bright milky white, the same going for either hand w/ his finger-tips on the same sides. Pure snow white skin, plating, and hair is unnatural, and its theorized to be a permanent glitch in his physical coding seeing as the ‘other tiny’ that had yet to combine correctly would not have developed any physical traits until birth to mimick a combination of it’s parents, it’s physical attribute coding would remain dormant and thus not addapt with the rest of the body.

This leaves Janus visually different, and physically different. He has his own two legs and tail so that part of his body functions normally, but the arm that is inter-functionally dormant leaves him with terrible balance issues(thus leaving him to require a cane) and his on the same side that is similarly dormant leaves him functionally blind in said eye and deaf on said side.

He’s developed an extremely defensive personality because he refuses to be pitied for something he was never in control of. He’s plenty independent without help and beyond grouchy. Has been known to bite humans who try to help him but wont listen to him, hard. He’s never been allowed to live a normal tiny’s life because the parents he was born to gave him to humans to ensure he lived, then got retroactively babied since. His foul temper has lead to a difficulty in the homing process, and the humans are almost about to give up on him when Virgil walks in one day, curious about homing a third tiny to help stabalize the twins antics and frustrations born from there only being the two of them.

Janus is just as foul at first as he is to everyone who approaches him, because he fully expects pity. Instead of Virgil moving on in rejection/dismissal of the rude behavior, Virgil just chuckles in amusement. “Oh boy, you’re fiesty huh?” “Have to be, lest people think they can do and think whatever they want about me. Better to give them my worst so they don’t get any god-complex over my disability, right?” And Virgil relates, and isnt hesitant abt mentioning his own struggles w/ how rudely people treat him w/ his general anxiety disorder and chronic depression.

Virgil manages to convince Janus take a chance and come home w/ him. And then Janus meets Patton, and things go so much better than anyone expected them to go. I mean, they get worse before they get better, but the getting better is so much further than any resulted backtracking. Janus likes Patton, and is uber protective of him. No one knew Patton to bicker much, but oh boy, does he bicker with Janus, often abt taking care of one another. Its all out of love and care, and its honestly jarringly sweet. (Patton gets Janus hooked on chocolate chips, and may or may not bribe him with a bottle-lip full from time to time if it means making Janus relax.)

[tinyboxxtink]

"Weird Secret Friends" *Chapter 12*

Chapter 11

(i fucked this up by editing on my phone and now I have to post the next chapter link like this. )

Whoooo buddy! The angst is REAL, y'all.

I apologize for this, but also I really don't. And I made it normal length to make up for that short shitty one earlier.

Enjoy!!!! Mwahahahahha

Tag List

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@aprildecker-blog

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@shittanyy

@mrsrafaelbarba

---------

It seemed like forever for the ambulance to get there, Rafael just sat there trembling and crying while you started to convulse in his arms. Finally the door busted open and EMT’s threw you on a gurney and took you downstairs. Rafael sprinted behind them and jumped in the back of the ambulance as it sped away.

“Y/N….Carino please, please don’t die on me…” Rafael stroked your hair as you were hooked up to oxygen and anti drug meds. It was like literal hell having to watch this all over again, even worse that it was someone he actually...loved.

“Please, please don’t die…” He looked up to the sky.

----------------

Rafael paced the hospital waiting area furiously, they wouldn’t let him go back with you once the ambulance got you both there. When he saw Sonny running up the hallway towards him, he grabbed him by the neck and shoved him up against the wall.

“I TOLD YOU!!!!” He screamed violently, while several nurses ran over and pulled them apart.

“Rafael! Jesus Christ--” Sonny was breathing heavily while he tried to recover from Rafael’s ambush.

“I told you something was wrong, I told you I knew her better than you did!” He tried to wrestle away from the nurses.

“Okay I’m sorry, I’m sorry alright?!” Sonny yelled, tears starting to fill his eyes. “I should have listened to you--”

“You’re god damn right you should have!!!” Rafael continued to scream.“ She could die right now, do you realize that?”

“Of course I realize that!” Sonny screamed back while looking around them, trying not to make a scene.

“God dammit Carisi, she knew better than you. Why didn't you listen to her?!” Rafael was beginning to cry; he was so upset.

“Barba I--” Sonny started to apologize.

“Excuse me, is Miss Y/L/N’s family here?” An orderly came out from the back.

“I am!” Sonny forgot about Rafael and ran over to the man, Rafael did the same.

“I’m sorry sir but this is really just a family conversation--” He started to dismiss Rafael, but Sonny put his hand up.

“He’s fine,” He assured the doctor.

“Right, well--” He cleared his throat as he led them to a more quiet area. “The damage to Y/N’s body is pretty bad,”

“....God,” Sonny muttered, putting a hand over his forehead.

“The mouthwash has several chemicals that aren’t in traditional grain alcohols, mostly lethal. And her pancreas, liver and gallbladder were already severely damaged from the years of alcohol abuse,” He explained as he looked gravely between the two men.

“No…” Rafael put his hands over his face.

Flashbacks of a very similar conversation happening between a doctor and his mother filled his mind. The way his mother fell against the wall when she heard the doctor say there was a good chance his father was never waking up.

“How bad is it, doc?” Sonny’s voice quivered, and Rafael instinctively took his hand.

“Well, we had to completely remove the gallbladder, and parts of her pancreas so she’s most likely going to develop diabetes,” He further explained. “...And she most likely will need a liver transplant, depending on how the next 24 hours go,”

“Christ…” Sonny whipped his hand from Rafael’s touch and put both of his hands over his head while he paced.

“Can we see her?” Rafael asked.

“Yes, you know your daughter is very lucky to be alive,” The doctor informed them.

“...Excuse me?” Sonny asked while he and Rafael exchanged confused looks.

“...Are you two not her dads?” The doctor waved his pen between the two men.

“Oh my god,” Rafael muttered in horror, wanting to vomit right there.

“Uh, no sir-- no we’re not,” Sonny shook his head. “I’m her uncle and this is my partner,”

“Excuse me?!” Rafael practically screamed in disgust.

“...Do you want them to let you back there to see her or not, honey?” Sonny said through his teeth.

“Right,” Rafael nodded uncomfortably, taking Sonny’s hand once more. “We’re her...Uncles,” He tried not to grimace.

“Oh, right. So sorry sirs,” The doctor apologized once more as he led your “Uncles” to the room you were in. You were unconscious, but breathing on your own.

“She might be out a while from the meds, if you’d like to come back tomorrow,” The doctor informed them once more.

“Uh, I think we’ll wait at least for a little while, if you don’t mind doc,” Sonny replied while Rafael walked up to your sleeping body and just stroked your hair lovingly.

“Whatever you two want to do is fine with me,” He nodded. “I have other patients to see, if you’ll excuse me,”

Sonny nodded to him and he walked out of the room leaving the three of you alone. Sonny ran his hands through his hair while Rafael pulled a chair up next to your bed, still stroking your hair.

“...Barba I think you should leave,” Sonny said softly.

“...What?” He laughed. “Are you...are you fucking joking me, Carisi?”

“No look,” He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you, I’m sorry I didn’t hear her. And I’m sorry that I just...gave up, protecting her,”

“Yeah well--”

“But I hear you now, and-- and she’s going to need to go away,” He looked at your sleeping body sadly.

“She’s in no shape to go anywhere, Carisi,” Rafael clutched your hand as if he was protecting you.

“Not now, no,” Sonny agreed. “But when she’s better--”

“We don’t know if she’s going to get better!” Rafael suddenly stood up and walked towards him; Sonny backed up as he approached, afraid Rafael was going to grab him again.

“Even more reason you shouldn’t be here!” Sonny argued.

“What?”

“Barba look,” He cautiously put a hand on Rafael’s shoulder. “I...I get that you two have some kind of-- I don’t know, connection,” He glanced at you.

“But it doesn’t change the fact that you barely know her, and she barely knows you. You have a job and a life waiting for you tomorrow, you can’t be sitting here sitting vigil for some girl you slept with once,”

“How dare you fucking say that to me, Carisi,” Rafael’s eyes narrowed as he snapped his shoulder from Sonny’s grasp.

“How fucking dare you. First you don’t want me anywhere near her, then you tell her she’s nothing to me, then suddenly you think that I’m in love with her, and-- and now that I’m finally...attached to her-- you want me to just leave her alone again?”

“No, I never wanted you near her because of this exact situation!” Sonny hissed, trying not to wake you. “I told you straight up that she was complicated, and that you weren’t about that life,”

“I am about that life-- I’m serious, about her,” Rafael corrected himself, rolling his eyes at the terms Sonny used.

“Well I don’t think you should be,” Sonny crossed his arms.

“This is the jealousy thing again, isn’t it?” Rafael licked his lips angrily. “You and your stupid ego can’t stand the fact that we--”

“That is NOT it Rafael and you fucking know it,” Sonny narrowed his eyes.

“Then what is it?” Rafael crossed his arms. “It’s clearly not because it’s too much for me, because I’m flat out telling you it’s not,”

“Rafael--” Sonny placed his hands over his face. “I have spent my life protecting this girl, okay? And I may have dropped the ball here, but that just means that I will sure as hell not do it again. And that means that I have to have her best interest at heart,”

“What does that even mean?” Rafael looked at him quizzically.

“Her whole world is different now, Barba!” Sonny gestured to you. “You heard the doc. She has no gallbladder, whatever the fuck that means, she will probably get diabetes, god knows what will happen even if she needs a liver transplant, but my guess is it ain’t good!”

“...Well she won’t be able to drink alcohol,” Rafael said softly.

“Which will make her sobriety that much more urgent and permanent, Barba,” Sonny stepped towards your bed.

“She’s gonna have a long hard road ahead of herself no matter which way this goes right now, and keeping her on track is the only way she is gonna get through it. You think she’s gonna be able to focus on anything but you if you stay here?”

“I can help her--” Rafael insisted, glancing down at your innocent sleeping face. It broke his heart you were hurting, now all he wanted to do was take care of you and make sure you never hurt again.

“You don’t have the time or the freedom to do that, Rafael,” Sonny said sternly. “And you know it,” Sonny’s statement brought him back to reality.

“And you do?” He looked back up at Sonny.

“I’m a detective, Barba. It’s not like I do that much,” Sonny shrugged. “And I have enough PTO for a bit to take care of her. And she’s my responsibility! She’s MY family, Liv will understand that. What she won’t understand is you sitting Shiva at some young girl’s bedside who you barely know,”

“....And what are you going to do when she gets better?” Rafael ran a finger down your bare arm, wishing you would wake up and stop this nonsense your cousin was spewing.

“I’ll ask around,” Sonny now sat next to your bed. “I’ll find her a good place, somewhere she can be taken care of the right way, not some creepy mental hospital,”

“...Alright fine,” He sighed, looking at his watch. It was getting late, and he had an early court date.

“I’m coming back--”

“No, you’re not,” Sonny shook his head. “Look I promise you if she gets worse and needs your emergency liver or kidney or somethin’, I’ll let you know. Other than that, just-- leave her be,”

Rafael flashed back to the last time Sonny had used those words, and how as soon as he agreed, you heard him and it destroyed you. He couldn’t do that again, what if you could still hear him?

“No, I’m coming back--”

“Barba if you come back here I’m gonna tell the nurses that we broke up and you are no family member of hers,”

“You,” He shook his head. “You wouldn’t do that--”

“If it keeps you away from her, I’ll do anything right now Barba, I’m sorry,” Sonny gave him a sympathetic look.

“...She’ll never forgive you for this, Carisi,” He warned Sonny. “When she finds out you kept us apart she will never forgive you,”

“What are you Romeo and Juliet all of a sudden, counselor?” Sonny scoffed. “Give me a friggin break. I’m sure she’ll get over it, when she’s clean and sober and thinking straight,”

“I’ll never forgive you for this,” he growled with a death glare.

“...Yeah, well--” Sonny stood up and started escorting Rafael out the door. “I guess that’s something I’ll just have to live with,”

Rafael glared at him once more before turning on his heels and stomping down the hall, just as you stirred from your med nap.

“Sunshine?” Sonny quickly ran to your bedside.

“Rafa..?” You sleepily asked, you swore you heard his voice just moments ago.

“It’s Sonny,” He nervously looked back at the door, making sure Rafael hadn’t heard you wake up and came running in again.

“Oh,” You blinked several times, trying to get your vision back. When the blur in your pupils resolved, you saw Sonny’s smiling face beaming at you.

“Hey there,” He kissed your forehead. “You scared the shit outta me there, Sunshine,”

“...I’m so sorry, Sonny,” You began to cry in remorse.

“Hey hey hey,” Sonny took you in his arms and shushed you while he rocked you. “Shh shh shh, you’re alright. I’m sorry I didn’t hear you when you were asking for help, I just--I just let you go,”

“...But Rafael didn’t,” You sniffled as you looked around the room for him. “Where is he?”

“He uh--” Sonny stammered. “He left, Sunshine. Early court meeting tomorrow, y’know. Lawyer stuff,”

“Right,” You nodded.

“...He said he wouldn’t be coming back,” Sonny added with a sympathetic look.

“What?” You blinked in disbelief. Had he really just taken off? Without even saying goodbye?

“Well it’s just,” Sonny took your hands. “Honey you’re-- you’re gonna have a lot to go through these next few weeks, maybe months. And Rafael--”

“He doesn’t have time for that,” You finished for him, accepting the truth.

“Yeah,” Sonny nodded slowly.

“Right,” You picked at your blanket as you stared down at it morosely. “Well, I guess I shouldn’t have expected anything more than him dropping me here. He tried telling me that he was--”

“He was what?” Sonny quirked an eyebrow. You thought about telling him that Rafael had said he was in love with you, but you weren’t entirely sure that happened anymore, given how out of it you were at the apartment.

“...He was ready for a relationship,” You lied. “But I guess he wasn’t ready for a dumpster fire of a girlfriend,”

“You’re not a dumpster fire, Sunshine,” Sonny assured you.

“...Yeah clearly this doesn’t scream ‘damaged goods’,” You gestured to all the wires you were hooked up to.

“You’re not--” Sonny sighed and shook his head as he wrapped his arms back around you. “You’ll find someone,”

“...Not someone like him,” You whispered sadly, tears dripping down onto your IV tube.

“Well hey,” Sonny coughed as he tried to change the subject. “I better get goin’ make sure you get some good sleep,”

“...But I was just--” You tried to say you had been sleeping this whole time.

“I’ll come check on you tomorrow, kay?” Sonny kissed your head and started heading towards the door. He hated to do this, but he had to keep you safe. He turned around and gave you a sad smile.

“Hey, Sunshine?”

“Yeah, Son?”

“I uh, I don’t wanna rub it in or nothin’, I just--” Sonny cleared his throat. “Barba wanted me to tell you not to contact him anymore,”

“...Oh,” You looked over at your phone, which was charging on the table next to your bed.

“He just thought it would be easier, y’know? Clean break and all,” Sonny lied with a sad smile.

“Yeah, sure no of course,” You nodded, trying to keep it together.

“Alright well, I’ll see ya,” He nodded one more time before shutting the door, leaving you alone.

You immediately grabbed your phone and began typing a message to Rafael, telling him how you were sorry and that you never should have tried to kick him out, and that he saved your life and that you knew you were a huge mess, but that you would clean yourself and do everything in your power to be good enough for him if he just let you--and you just stared at it.

You re-read it a thousand times, tears streaming down your cheeks. You couldn’t send this, it was pathetic. He already made his choice, he tried to tell you he loved you and you had blown him off by almost dying in his arms. And he ran. You couldn’t blame him either, you’d run away faster than a Kenyan track star if you were him.

After going through all that bullshit with his dad, he’d never want to relive that with you, some girl he barely knew. There was no way. And begging him to come back to you after all the shit you said to him at your apartment was just pitiful.

You deleted the message and then started to delete his contact info, but you knew you needed to be drastic. If it was a clean break he wanted, you’d have to give it to him. You’d already put him through way too much stress and punishment than he deserved, you had to be stopped. You highlighted his number and hit “BLOCK NUMBER”, before deleting it from your phone.

There. Now there was no way you could find him, or vice versa. Clean break. You put the phone down next to you and laid down, realizing what you had just done. You had just deleted the potential love of your life from your existence, forever. You cried yourself to sleep, only dreaming of Rafael.

=============

Rafael laid down in his bed after getting home and showering the bad day off of him. He opened the text thread of your messages, and saw the ellipsis light up, signaling that you were typing. It was there for a long time, he became more and more anxious as they just flashed in the darkness, taunting him. He was so happy you were okay, he had to tell you what Sonny said but that he would never be able to keep him from you. He waited and waited, and then the dots were gone. He waited a moment for you to send it, but soon got impatient and just texted you

“Y/N I’m so glad you’re okay, you had me so worried. I miss you,”

He hit SEND, but was met with the most horrifying response:

“The number you have texted has blocked you from contacting them.”

“No…” He muttered alone in the dark. “No, this can’t be happening,”

Did Sonny have your phone? Did he do this? Did he tell you something to make you do this? Did you do this on your own when you realized he had left. Sonny had to have told you something bad, something diabolical. He had no way of contacting you now, and he would never get into the hospital to see you.

What was going on?

-------------

The next morning after his court session, Rafael headed over to the precinct to talk to Sonny. He practically sprinted through the door into the bullpen, to find it empty.

“...Where’s the SVU squad?” Rafael asked a cop at the front desk.

“Do I look like a concierge, Barba?” The cop rolled his eyes. “Does my badge say ‘doorman’? I don’t keep tabs on you people!”

“Thanks Louie,” Rafael rolled his eyes as he walked out of the station, dialing Sonny’s number on his phone.

“Hello?”

“What did you do?”

“Barba?”

“What did you do, Carisi?!”

“What do you mean?”

“Y/N blocked my number,”

“Well good--”

“NO, not good. Carisi. What did you say to her?”

“Y’know Barba, maybe you should take the hint and move on,”

“Oh fuck you, Carisi,” He growled into the phone. “I’m going to the hospital,”

“Yeah well, good luck getting in here counselor,” Sonny shook his head with a small laugh, glancing over at you in your room, while he stood outside. “I’ve told the nurses you were a deadbeat dad who wanted to kidnap our niece for yourself, so they’re on alert not to let you anywhere near her,”

“You’re evil,” His voice was low and horrified.

“I’m doing what’s best for my baby cousin, Barba. If that makes me the bad guy, so be it,” Sonny spoke like a mob boss, tracing the glass on the window to your room.

“I’ll see her when she gets out,” Rafael sneered.

“Well that might be difficult, seeing as I’ve found her a very nice place to go as soon as she gets outta here. Somewhere far away from here, and you,” Sonny couldn’t help but smirk.

“No, Carisi don’t do this,” Rafael became desperate, his angry threats turned to pathetic pleas. “Please don’t send her away-- I love her,”

“If you love her you’ll let her go, Rafael,” Sonny simply said, ending the call before Rafael could say anything else.

“GOD DAMMIT!!!!” Rafael screamed in the middle of the foot traffic, making people turn and stare at him.

He had to fix this. He couldn’t let you leave thinking he didn’t want you. He couldn’t lose you, not now. Not after everything.

Was he going to lose you forever?

[ot3]

Sorry to bother - feel free to ignore. I’m trying to write an orv fic bc. I like them. And I’m having trouble understanding why with the regression depression it’s the happy memories that get yjh the most. Best I can figure it’s bc he can use the bad memories to propel him forward - like he’s doing this to avenge them. But the good memories force him to realize these people are gone and he’ll never see them again. Do you have any thoughts? Thanks!

i think that's definitely more or less accurate! i think the 'those people are gone and he'll never see them again' bit you've pointed out is the critical piece here. ill stick my further thoughts below the cut. this is really long because i've pulled a LOT of long chunks of text from the novel to shore up this point. i just got home from work so my thoughts are gonna be a little bit incoherent here. skip to the end if you're not interested in reading all the segments i pulled from the text. spoilers all the way up through chapter 508

first things first, let's just go back to the novel and look at all the bits where YJH's depression gets brought up

“Maybe Yoo Jonghyuk-nim has already repeated a few lives. You have fought against terrible enemies and struggled against the beings of this world to save people. Enduring alone, lonely memories… We respect your sublime spirit.”

This jerk, such skillful flattery. Yoo Jonghyuk would be moved to tears if he heard. Later when he was depressed, I would have to tell him these words.

“But Yoo Jonghyuk-nim should’ve realized it from your past regressions. Even if you have an outstanding miracle, you alone can’t fight against the disasters that will come.”

Plus, he was right.

- from ch 48

「 Everything is twisted because of this person. 」

「 It is different from what I know in the earlier regressions. The amount of information available is too limited. I can’t save the world like this. 」

What was this?

「 The reason I was hurt by the Salvation Church was because we spent too much time in the last round. It was a mistake to train for 100 years then. My mind was permanently damaged. 」

「 Maybe it was a mistake not to get the Absolute Throne.  」

「 I will start from the beginning again… 」

Dammit, the regressor’s depression had begun. Was it due to the mental attack? I cried out in fear of what he would decide. “I’m hurt you jerk!”

- from ch 140

「 Those people can’t save the world, even with 100 trucks. 」

「 Once again, the answer is regression… 」

“Now now, our Supreme King isn’t in a good mood right now so back off. Do you want to die?” I personally stepped forward to get rid of any causes of depression.

- later on in ch140 as well

This jerk, he was always so impatient. He had been given time to rest but he was still busy thinking. Regardless of his depressed state, Yoo Jonghyuk was Yoo Jonghyuk.

“Before that, let’s take a moment to breath. The view is great.” I said while sitting on the roof railing.

Yoo Jonghyuk asked me, “What are you up to?”

“I’m just looking at the world. Isn’t it beautiful?” The city of Seoul was destroyed by the monsters. I quickly added, “It was originally a beautiful place.”

“I don’t like landscapes.”

“Why?”

“They are things that will disappear someday.”

I thought I had a bit more understanding of the third regression Yoo Jonghyuk after fighting against Shin Yoosung. I wanted to believe he was a person who could love this world without giving up or feeling despair.

I told him, “However, we need to protect these things.”

“Kim Dokja, you don’t know.”

This might be my misunderstanding. Yoo Jonghyuk could give up at any time because he was still in the midst of his regressions.

In the end, Yoo Jonghyuk’s purpose was to prevent the ‘destruction of this world.’ Paradoxically, he could give up on this world at any time. His essence was regression and this fact would never change.

“No, I know,” I replied.

“What?”

“The fact that you can regress at any time means that death is meaningless.”

I looked down at Lee Seolhwa caring for the injured. Lee Seolhwa was feeding her boiled soup to an unknown person. Despite her efforts, there was a high probability that the character would die. Even if they lied now, they would die tomorrow. If they miraculously survived tomorrow, they would die the day after tomorrow.

It was the same in the fourth regression and the fifth regression. There would always be ‘death’ in the world of Yoo Jonghyuk, even after passing the 100th regression.

“If there is no sense of death then the value of life also disappears.”

- ch141

There was the vague belief that he could do better in the next round with more information. It was easy for him to give up on this regression if something went wrong.

This was the precursor symptom of ‘regression depression.’ Some of the contents of Ways of Survival passed through my head.

It was around the 48th regression. Yoo Jonghyuk had consulted with an incarnation of the constellation ‘Discoverer of the Subconscious’ on the ‘regression depression.’ At the time, he seemed to be speaking like I was now.

I continued speaking, “Yes. It might be as you say. If you repeat it 10 or 20 times then it will surely get better. You’ll be exposed to more scenarios and see more of the future. The real problem is when you someday save the world in this manner.”

“What does this mean?”

“At that time, do you really think you saved this world?”

“…”

“Do you think you will be able to keep the same mindset after repeating it 100 or 200 times?”

“I won’t regress that many times.”

I silently stared at Yoo Jonghyuk.

「 …Don’t tell me? 」 Yoo Jonghyuk’s eyes slowly widened.

I kept speaking, “Are you having nightmares these days?”

“…”

“You won’t be saved, even if you save the world. The moment you save the world, the worlds you have forsaken will come to you. Despite saving one world, all the other worlds you abandoned will drag you to hell.”

- from further down in ch141

「 Yoo Jonghyuk felt lonely as he saw these watches. They got their time back but he still wasn’t

living in this time. Yoo Jonghyuk suddenly thought. If so, where do I live in those countless hours? 」

It was the monologue of Yoo Jonghyuk, who once saved the Demon World. It was also one of my favourite scenes from Ways of Survival.

I suddenly seemed to understand a bit of his mind. To the regressor Yoo Jonghyuk, the time in these worlds didn’t belong to him. In a life that could go back over and over again, the present time was meaningless.

Once this was over, I would ask Aileen to make me a watch. If he had something like this, he might become more attached to this world. Maybe the regression depression would get better…

- ch 207

A person who regressed more than a thousand times. A spirit that had become insensitive from the hundreds of suicides and tragedies that an individual could suffer. The extremely widespread regression depression…

「 Yoo Jonghyuk of the 1863rd round is the despair of the world itself. 」

- ch 285

Abnormal condition? There was no way. Who was the 1863rd regression Yoo Jonghyuk? This was Yoo Jonghyuk who was the Ruler of the East Hell and killed the Devil of Principles. There was no one among the constellations who could place an abnormal condition on the present Yoo Jonghyuk.

Yoo Jonghyuk’s eyes were blank.

I felt uncomfortable like something was stuck in my throat. No, there was. There was only one person who could cause an abnormal status in Yoo Jonghyuk.

+

* The target is suffering from ‘regression depression’ due to an unknown cause.

+

It was Yoo Jonghyuk himself.

Regression depression. The spirit of the man who had been broken over 1863 lives made the regression depression almost a passive, low level skill. Once he fell into the depression, his consciousness was caught in the weight of his memories and he couldn’t wake up.

[Kill him! He isn’t invincible!]

The ruthless strikes caused Yoo Jonghyuk’s body to bleed little by little. It was strange. Originally, the regression depression shouldn’t occur in this situation. In the 1863rd round, Yoo Jonghyuk had learnt how to manage this disease.

- ch 286

then this REALLY LONG BIT from 287. it has stopped letting me indent for some reason so i guess ill bold this.

I knew how to wake up Yoo Jonghyuk from his regression depression. In other words, it meant I also knew how to sink him deeper into that melancholy.

I saw Yoo Jonghyuk’s fingertips moving and opened my mouth. “Do you remember? The 33rd round. You cleared the 40th scenario and Lee Jihye said this.”

Yoo Jonghyuk’s eyes dimmed and his moving fingertips stopped.

「 “It would be nice if Master didn’t have to go to the next round.” 」

“Think about it. You weren’t always unhappy. Right? In all the rounds, there were moments when you were happy.”

Yoo Jonghyuk’s expression was becoming stiffer.

“The 173rd round. You protected Earth for quite some time. You also saw Lee Jihye receiving her high school diploma and Lee Seolhwa smiling at someone’s child.”

「 “Jonghyuk-ssi, are you happy that you’re alive?” 」

Every time I spoke, Yoo Jonghyuk’s expression collapsed. It wasn’t despair that broke down Yoo Jonghyuk.

“The 383rd round. You finally cleared the 75th scenario. Fortunately, nobody died in that round. That was the first time. Then Lee Hyunsung told you.”

「 “Jonghyuk-ssi, I won’t forget today until I die.” 」

The feather-like memories sank into his head.

“Then the 498th round…”

Yoo Jonghyuk’s palms moved to cover his ears. The usual Yoo Jonghyuk wouldn’t have fallen from this much. Now it was different. I held his hands and kept talking. “That happened 10 times.”

A human sank deeper into the water just because of the weight of these feathers.

“Twenty times.”

My breath clogged up and my lungs tightened. I could feel what Yoo Jonghyuk was going through. Only I could feel it. The most primitive darkness at the bottom of one person was swallowing his ego greedily.

“100 times. It repeated over 1,000 times.”

All those words were destroyed. All the happy memories flowed back to a time they could never return to. Through the countless regressions, the meaning of happiness faded. All the values he preserved became pieces of torn paper.

“Yoo Jonghyuk.”

Yoo Jonghyuk’s self was sinking into the deep sea. It was to a place that he could never come up from without someone’s help.

“Have you protected all the things you wanted to keep?”

I looked at Yoo Jonghyuk’s miserable face and thought: Don’t worry Yoo Jonghyuk. I’ll do the rest. You stop and rest.

[Your understanding of the character ‘Yoo Jonghyuk’ is increasing explosively.]

Yoo Jonghyuk’s empty eyes were showing memories of losing his master. I didn’t use Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint but it wasn’t hard to read.

「 I want to die. 」

「 I want to finish all of this. 」

「 If only I can never wake up. 」

A few drops of rain fell from the sky. It was black rain made from the blood of the demon kings and constellations. Liquid also flowed onto Yoo Jonghyuk’s face. Yoo Jonghyuk’s gaze lowered and finally fell on me.

I was looking at the moment a human’s spirit collapsed. There was a broken voice. Like a creaking machine, Yoo Jonghyuk stammered, “Wh,at… should, I, d…o?”

i think this one is obviously very important.

then, the 'have you protected all you wanted to protect' stuff obviously reaches its culmination in the finale

⸢The regression depression.⸥

That was the only weakness of Yu Jung-Hyeok, who had repeatedly regressed for a very long time.

[In the 173rd turn. You managed to protect Earth for a pretty long time. You got to see Yi Ji-Hye receive her high school diploma, and you even got to see Yi Seol-Hwa smile with another’s child in her arms.]

The light in Yu Jung-Hyeok’s eyes was wavering.

⸢It wasn’t despair that could defeat Yu Jung-Hyeok.⸥

⸢Small feather-like memories settled down inside his head one by one.⸥

The ‘Dokkaebi King’ was using the exact same method I relied on back then.

⸢The breathing got harder, and the lungs were getting tighter.⸥

⸢A man drowning in water would sink even deeper under the surface from the weight of a mere feather.⸥

I couldn’t afford to idly watch on anymore. I shouted at Yu Jung-Hyeok, telling him to wake up, and not to fall for such an illusion.

However, my voice couldn’t reach them as if a non-conductive barrier was set up between us. And the ‘Dokkaebi King’ was smiling away, perhaps to mock this entire story.

[Yu Jung-Hyeok, have you protected all that you wanted to protect?]

Slowly, Yu Jung-Hyeok’s knees sank down.

I roused the Status of Fables. I needed to undo that ⸢Stage Transformation⸥ right now, But, how should I…

Grab.

There was a hand still tightly clutching mine. It was Han Su-Yeong.

“That’s not a battle you can interfere in.”

“But, if he’s left alone….!”

“….Even a star that can’t be seen still emits light. You said that, right?”

….A star that can’t be seen?

Her words made me look back at Yu Jung-Hyeok once more.

His gaze being lowered had come to a stop. Blinding sparks were completely enveloping him.

Tsu-chuchuchuchu….

Something was waking up his fading consciousness.

[Great Fable, ‘Ones that Remember the Apocalypse’, has begun its storytelling!]

That was a Fable I wasn’t aware of.

As the sparks lessened gradually, several silhouettes revealed themselves. Now that I took a closer look, Yu Jung-Hyeok wasn’t alone. No, four others were standing beside him.

A tall man, a young man with blonde hair, a girl with a ponytail, and finally…

[[He couldn’t protect anyone. That’s why he now stands in this place.]]

….An Archangel with blindingly-pure wings.

Astonishment quickly dyed the Dokkaebi King’s expression.

The Fable from the destroyed 999th turn was now burning brightly like the conflagration of end times on the edges of the Archangel’s blade.

[[Because he believes there are still things left to protect.]]

- from ch 508

Now here's a couple of tidbits about depression when it comes up for Other entities:

The fastest thing to get shaved away after becoming a Constellation was their own ‘Fable’. The more a Constellation depleted its story, the weaker its power would get. They would grow bored, disinterested, fall into depression, or lose themselves in tedium.

Constellations would desperately seek out other Fables in order to escape from such a quagmire. In other words, they would search for a new tragedy to escape from this horrible eternal cycle, even if it was only for a brief moment.

- ch 498

⸢[Constellation, ‘Abyssal Black Flame Dragon’s’ ■■ is ‘Something that can’t be found’.]⸥

I had read what his ■■ was from the original novel. His description showed up when he became Yu Jung-Hyeok’s ally for a little while during the 1863rd turn.

⸢The evil dragon suffering from the worst possible depression in this <Star Stream>.⸥

The reason why the ‘Abyssal Black Flame Dragon’ believed his age to be 15 was simply that he’d not be able to continue on if he didn’t.

A life stretching for thousands, no, tens of thousands of years, made an originally solitary dragon into such a creature.

In order to stop itself from decaying, he chose not to age. He chose not to lose his curiosity of the world. He chose to torment Incarnations or play bizarre pranks. And for his final prank, he even chose to betray the ‘Absolute Evil’, too. He stood on Yu Jung-Hyeok’s side and while mocking the <Star Stream>, breathed his last.

- ch 503

okay so

i think there are a couple of different ways to look at the regression depression in line with each of orv's 'themes'. of course despair at losing his comrades is the main primary emotion here, but there's subtler stuff going on here too.

for starters, the foundational components of any creature within the star stream is its stories. the more your stories are known and shared the more powerful they are, etc, etc. time and time again their shared stories are the thing to save them and ground them. but as we see with the hellscape of eternity, yjh begins to become isolated from the interpersonal aspect of the story as he loses the people he originally formed these stories with. the stories are how people communicate. as YJH progresses through his regressions he is unable to relate to the 'story' in the way you are supposed to, and this essentially causes a complete ego death. life no longer has any meaning for him, because he is fundamentally incapable of connecting with people. the [impossible communication] of a life and a burden that can't be shared.

then there's the [samsara] aspect - being worn down by the endless repetition of fate. everything is the same, over and over again, and yet we still delve into it hoping to get something new out of it. maybe the story will be different this time. ABFD was able to stave off depression by keeping himself in a state of permanent novelty - there was still something left to discover - but as YJH progresses through the regressions and falls deeper and deeper into repeating the same pattern, the tedium becomes too much. he has nothing new to experience. he has repeated everything this reality has to offer - or so he thinks - and it shows no sign of ever changing. if it's the same every time, why stick around? why not go again? it doesn't matter. none of it matters. you are just part of the wheel.

and if we think of it in terms of [good and evil] we see yjh slowly become something that almost any human being would call a monster. as kdj says in that conversation with anna croft near the end, "can you really call someone a human if you have to look so hard to find their humanity?" as far as it goes. yjh commits some atrocities! Because of said aforementioned removal from reality and ego death, he is able to fully justify any action it takes no matter how horrendous. and yet his noble goal never changes. undeniably, what he is by the end is some sort of monster. but still, of course, just a man. and he knows this. he feels himself slipping a little bit more, every regression. he knows its coming. and he doesn't want it. he wants to maintain his humanity.

but really i think we can almost best think of yjh's regression depression as almost his equivalent to the [fourth wall]. whereas the 4th wall is a unique passive skill that protects kim dokja by preventing him from fully conceptualizing what's happening to him as 'reality', the regression depression harms yjh by preventing him from conceptualizing what's happening to him as 'reality'. in a sense, his friends and loved ones have almost become 'characters' to him as well, as he already knows the way this story happens. he is an outsider, observing these beings interact with each other but not quite the same as them. he is an anachronism. this isn't his present. this is a present, one he can take or leave at any time. the thing yjh does in his later regressions - using people as tools - is something kdj does in the beginning of his journey. because, well, it doesnt matter if this isn't the 'real world'! they mirror each other.

that ended up being so much longer than i thought it would im sorry. i hope this was even like 10% helpful.

[astermacguffin]

I've promised a post about dual violations here before (in line with my evil deancas scholarship), so here's the official post about it.

(NOTE: I'm intentionally using the vague and general term "violation" here as a euphemism for physical, psychological, emotional, and sexual violence. At no point am I ever gonna explicitly describe such violence, but I am going to constantly allude, mention, and refer to such acts. Please feel free to scroll away if necessary.)

Thesis on Dual Violations. Fiction provides a great avenue for us to explore dynamics in special cases where both receiver and perpetrator of the violation are victims. This is not to say that they are similarly or equally victimized, only that they are both victims.

There are typically three ways for this to happen:

coercion, where the main driving agent of the violation is an external force, forcing itself onto at least one of the parties (e.g. posession, blackmail, etc.);

compulsion, where the main driving agent of the violation is internal, even if what started the causal chain was initially external (e.g. rage spells, sex pollen, etc.) and;

imitation, where one party is mimicked and the violation is done through that image. This is a very specific kind of violation—the main thing that comes to mind are fics where a shapeshifter imitates the victim’s loved one and performs the violation in that body.

The violations done to the primary victims are, of course, very obvious. But what I think we rarely engage with is the violation and trauma of the unwilling perpetrator. When the possession is over or when the spell finally lifts, what happens then? How do you deal with the consequences of having committed such an awful violation (or in the special case of imitation, having your image permanently tarnished in the eyes of the victim)?

Therefore, explorations on dual violations function as thought experiments on guilt. Note how in our categorization, all the names are in the point of view of the perpetrator-victim: you are either coerced to commit the crime, compelled into doing it, or imitated as doing it.

Below the cut, we're going to explore specific tropes in fics and how they fall into these categories.

COERCION

Coercion, where the main driving agent of the violation is an external force, forcing itself onto at least one of the parties.

We can generally categorize fics of this kind into two types:

Takeover. The Self/ego/personhood of the active party is taken over (e.g. one is possessed/mind-controlled and is forced to violate the other), and;

Gunpoint. The selfhood of the active party is intact (e.g. the active party is blackmailed/held-at-gunpoint to either (a) do the violation or (b) let themselves be violated).

Out of all the categories we will discuss here, perpetrators of violence under takeover coercion are typically those we deem blameless; there is usually nothing they could have done to stop the violation from happening.

In gunpoint coercion, on the other hand, although they are forced into restricting circumstances, the active party is doing it "with their own hands" and is not being actively controlled into doing so. They have at least a sliver of agency and control of the situation, unlike in cases of possession/mind-control. This means that we typically assign them with at least some degree of moral responsibility over the violation.

Note how we further subdivided gunpoint coercion. In fact, both coercion and compulsion violations can be divided into this binary: (a) being forced to do the violation, or (b) being forced to have the violation done to you.

To make sense of this, we're going to look at an example of Type B Gunpoint Violation. First things first, it's important to consider that the recepient of the violation can in fact also be the active party behind the violation. Let's see how this works through this example:

Person X is blackmailing Person Y into having sex with Person Z and making them believe it's consensual.

The thesis on dual violations argues that both Y and Z are victims here, with Y being forced to endure rape and Z being tricked into raping someone.

COMPULSION

Compulsion, where the main driving agent of the violation is internal (even if what started the causal chain was initially external).

We can generally split this type into two:

Corruption of the Mind. This is where something drastically alters the self/persona/mentality of a party (e.g. a personality-altering spell, a memory corruption spell, etc.);

Corruption of the Heart. This is where either foreign wants/desires are forced into a party or preexisting desires are warped and exploited (e.g. love potions, certain sex pollen or heat/rut fics, etc.)

Compulsion violations can often be more revolting than coercion violations, especially since we can often blame a third party for the latter. A lot of the time, perpetrators under compulsion are still themself, only warped.

In Supernatural fics, the violations done by Demon!Dean and MarkOfCain!Dean would typically fall under compulsion, because (1) no one is possessing him or forcing him to do these things, and (2) Dean is basically still Dean under these conditions, except his values and priorities are distorted.

Like earlier, compulsion violations can happen in two ways: being compelled to do the violation, or (b) being compelled to have the violation done to you.

IMITATION

Imitation, where one party is mimicked and the violation is done through that image.

This is a very specific kind of violation—the main thing that comes to mind are fics where a shapeshifter imitates the victim’s loved one and performs the violation in that body. Or perhaps by possessing a corpse; the mechanics doesn’t really matter. The point is that both parties here are violated and their relationship is horribly damaged due to this violation.

Imitation is a special case; some of you might wonder as to why it needs to have its separate category. This is because it doesn't neatly fit into any of our earlier categories. The main thing that sets it different from the rest is the fact that the "perpetrator" here doesn't actually perform the violation themself but is only mimicked by the one who actually does the violation.

We have been using the term perpetrator-victim to describe the perpetrators in dual violations; in the case of imitation, the -victim half of the term gains more weight—their image has been violated and their relationship with the primary victim has been terribly damaged.

Concluding remarks

The essay provides us with a powerful categorization system that can help us analyze fiction about special cases of dual violations. I do not claim it to be comprehensive; in fact, I might have missed other examples of dual violations that don't fit this current system. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to share!

(If anyone is interested in the list of destiel darkfics that prompted this analysis, DM me so I can warn you about stuff before reading.)

[foursideharmony]

Okay, so remember this post I made a few months ago about how I think the Mindscape “works” in terms of structure? I thought I should also share some of my headcanons about how the Sides themselves work.

(Note: I prefer to capitalize Side because it’s a fairly common word on its own, and this distinguishes the characters we love so much from other uses which are likely to crop up.)

Question #1: Do they need to eat, sleep, etc.? You know what? I think they do. Your brain functions need energy and downtime in order to keep operating at peak efficiency, and that translates, in the Mindscape, into actual food and sleep.

It can be entirely literal—the food that Thomas eats becomes stored caloric energy, and that manifests in the Mindscape as the stuff available in the Sides’ fridge and pantry. What they have available reflects the kind of stuff he’s been eating lately, so they try to influence his eating habits in accordance with their tastes. Logan wants perfect nutritional balance, Patton’s into comfort food, Roman wants to experiment with flavors and try gourmet and exotic cuisine, etc.

As for sleep/rest, I think they need differing amounts, which may or may not correspond to Thomas’s own sleep schedule. Logan sleeps when Thomas does, almost by definition. Virgil has to drift off before Thomas can sleep…but he is the lightest sleeper of the lot, and might well wake up in the middle of the night and start poking Thomas’s dreams. Roman and Patton can both remain active all night, on and off, but balance it by being the most likely to need naps during the day. (Ever had a night of intense dreams that leave you with subdued emotional affect the next day? That happens to Thomas too...it means Patton stayed up way too late and is sleeping in.) Janus and Remus have, I think, unpredictable sleep patterns, and are especially prone to timing their bouts of activity for when at least three other Sides are asleep, so Thomas is caught off-guard.

Question #2: Can they be hurt? Well, the answer to this one is an unambiguous YES, as proven in several episodes, so let’s tweak it: How can they be hurt, and how do they recover from being hurt? Yeah, that’s much more fun to speculate about!

Not only can the Sides be injured, but the show gives us two ways it can happen. The simpler one is, they can hurt each other, just like real people can hurt each other. We have several instances in the series of Sides throwing things at each other and causing pain or injury as a result. I extend that to mean that they can also be injured within the Mindscape via household accidents, misadventure in the Imagination, etc. That’s their “world,” and it can affect them just as the physical world affects physical people.

The other way they can be hurt, of course, is if something happens in Thomas’s life that negatively impacts his self-image vis-à-vis their function. We saw this happen in “My NEGATIVE Thinking” when Roman, as Thomas’s ego, was “bruised” by his fumble at the audition. It’s easy to imagine situations where this happens to other Sides. Thomas’s feelings might be hurt, which means Patton takes a hit. Or he might have his intelligence called into question, which could damage Logan. Fortunately, they apparently heal this damage as soon as Thomas gets over whichever crisis caused it. This leads me to my major thesis statement about their faux-physicality:

The Sides’ “physical” condition is largely determined by their expectations.

The Sides aren’t precisely human. They are, however, aspects of a human, which means they have human experiences of the world, human reactions to events, and human expectations regarding their environment. Thomas knows that when a wadded-up piece of paper hits your eye, it hurts, and so Roman knows it too, and so when a wadded-up piece of paper hits his eye, it hurts. It’s actually the same mechanism by which Thomas flubbing his audition causes Roman to become bruised. The audition goof changes Roman’s opinion of himself from “amazing actor” to “terrible actor,” and since Thomas’s acting ability is a major part of his function, that damages him. Being hit in the eye with a wadded-up piece of paper changes his self-image from “person who is totally fine” to “person who has just been hit in the eye with a wadded-up piece of paper,” and because he knows it’s supposed to hurt, that damages him. Not much, since being hit in the eye with a wadded-up piece of paper only hurts a little, and briefly, but that’s the process.

And that’s why Logan is able to shake off Remus’s violent attacks in “Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts.” As Logic, Logan is able to maintain the presence of mind to remember that they are not actually physically real, and therefore the attacks aren’t actually happening to anyone. He still reels when Remus hurls a shuriken into his forehead, because that’s a reflexive reaction, but he is braced for it; it does not affect his self-image enough to do any lasting damage. Perhaps the other Sides could also “roll to disbelieve” in this fashion, but it would likely be much harder for them, because they are not cold hard Logic.

If an injury does stick, expectations also govern how fast they recover. Fortunately for the Sides, it’s not as straightforward as the process of getting hurt in the first place. Although they know, like Thomas does, how long many types of injuries take to heal, for them it can go much faster because of the self-image thing. Say Patton trips going down the stairs. He breaks his arm because the fall changes his self-image to “person who just fell down the stairs OOOOOWWWWWW,” and he remains that way for a time. But with proper care, he soon starts to feel better, his self-image changes again to “person who is getting better,” and this accelerates his healing process.

All the whumpy goodness a fan writer could want, without the hassle of long-term impairment or permanent damage.

Question #3: Can they…you know…bite the big one?

I honestly haven’t given this one as much thought as the other questions…or as much thought as some other fans have. Here are the possibilities I’ve seen explored:

No. No matter how much damage a Side takes, he can’t actually die. Chop off his head, and he walks around carrying it. It probably looks annoyed.

Yes, but not permanently. They come back after a while. The exact length of the while depends on the writer, and sometimes varies by method of death. In some cases, they spring back to life, while in others, the “body” disappears and reforms later in some designated part of the Mindscape. They might lose some memories in the process or otherwise be altered slightly.

Yes, and it’s awful. Eventually a new personification will form in order to be that Side of Thomas’s personality, but the original is gone forever and we will all miss him terribly.

Yes, and it’s devastating for Thomas, who outright loses that facet of himself for the rest of his life. AND we miss the dead Side terribly.

I tend to lean toward the first two answers myself. It seems to me that the only way to outright erase part of someone’s personality is for the person to willingly and deliberately undergo intensive therapy to that specific end, and even then, I think it would result in the Side transforming into something very different, rather than going away forever. And it would be a slow enough process that the transformation itself would seem like a natural evolution rather than a replacement of one character with another.

But ultimately? I don’t know. More to the point, in my headcanon-verse, neither do the Sides. It makes for better drama if they have no idea how mortal they are and don’t dare to find out.

Wow, this went on longer than I expected. I hope you all enjoyed it!

[castiels-majestic-wings]

Sixth Sense - Chapter 3

Paring: Loki x Female!Reader

Word Count: 2,255

Warnings: Accidental violence/injury. Mental health (Loki).

Posted: 03/01/2021

Odin wasn’t particularly fond of you staying in Asgard. But you had insisted to keep a close eye on Loki. You had told him it was to make sure the darkness didn’t get stronger. But there was something else, after reading him so deeply, so intimately. Something changed. You no longer feared him, but you felt as if you wanted to save him. You needed to save him. From his thoughts, from the entity that harmed him before his forced attack on Earth. You knew he was tortured before his attack, you saw the footage, keeping tabs on what was happening during the battle. But now, you just felt worse. He thought he was the very monster his father despised. He had been lied to his whole life, even by his mother- whom he trusted the most.

Getting lost in your thoughts you didn’t hear Thor entering the room. He was worried for you, he had seen you read auras before but you had never acted like this afterwards. He hoped he hadn’t caused you harm letting you come here. He stared at your figure for a moment. You were facing away from him but your facial features seemed stressed and concerned. Your eyes were narrowed, facing the ground. Your right hand rested on your face while your left draped over your knees. You were unmoving. Completely still until you felt something and your head jerked up and your eyes met Thors. Your eyes narrowed, you had never sensed someone’s presence before. Was your being here helping you tap into your powers. The endless possibilities of being in a magic realm, would that make you more powerful, dangerous?

“Thor- I didn’t hear you come in.”

“You seemed deep in thought” You couldn’t tell him about Loki if he knew his feelings- from what you understood- it would break him.

“Yes, I think my pow- my abilities, I think they’re evolving” It wasn’t exactly a lie. But not the whole truth of what was on your mind.

“Evolving? How so?”

“Before I could only read auras. But now, I can sense them. Not straight away obviously. But what if- what if being here, is making me more powerful? Compared to earth, this realm is one of magic.” You stated, wanting his opinion on the matter.

“It’s possible. So you could sense my presence without knowing I was there?”

“Yes, and-”

“And?”

“And- and I feel a connection- to Loki I mean. I had never read that deep into someone. I felt like his therapist, but it’s more than that. A man like that, he wouldn’t willingly let me read his emotions. But I still felt them. I cant tell emotions from peoples auras, Thor. But with Loki. I did. Is it my being here? “

“We need to tell my father about this” Thor turned to leave but you grabbed his arm holding him back from walking further.

“Don’t. Don’t tell him yet. He doesn’t trust me, not yet. Wait until I gain his trust, then you can tell him” Thor turned to face you again, as your arms fell to your side.

“What if being here causes you harm, Y/N?”

“And what if it doesn’t? If Odin finds out- He will banish me from Asgard for eternity. Thor, trust me on this. There are things you don’t know, about Loki, about your father. Thor, please. Give me a month.”

“One month. No more, no less.”

“Yes! Thank you, Thor” You pulled him into a hug in which he accepted. After pulling away you knew you had to ask Loki about it. You began walking and Thor automatically followed- being you protector here. You memorised the way to the prisons, once Thor had realised your destination he held a hand out in front of you stopping you.

“Are you sure this is wise?” He looked down at your smaller form, concern filling his eyes.

“His speciality is magic, who else could I ask about this?” He frowned, knowing he was the only one that you could ask for answers. A sigh escaped his lips, lowering his hand, letting you continue. Once in the prison you had asked the guards to leave, they denied until Thor had ordered them to. Loki looked up confused with your visit. Sitting up from his laying position on the bed he was given.

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” His voice was dull. He knew there was no point in being strong around you, you could read him as easily as the books he reads.

“I have a question, related to magic.” His eyebrows perked in curiosity.

“Magic? Well, you’ve come to the right place.”

“My abilities are evolving. I assume it’s my being here. I can now, not only read auras but sense them. And I think they’re still growing.”

“Well, this is the realm of magic, my dear. There are endless possibilities for the reasoning of your growth. But I would say your assumption is correct.”

“Would I be in any danger being here? Will my body be able to handle the change in my abilities.”

“That all depends on you. If you’re strong enough to sustain it, you will be fine. But if not, there is a certain danger to it.”

“Thor let me into the cell. I need to test something”

“Are you sure? He just said it’s dangerous”

“Only if I can’t handle it. I’ll stop before any permanent damage is done. Don’t worry so much. I’m stronger than I look.” Thor was hesitant but complied. Loki didn’t make a move to hurt you even with Thor on the outside. You sat in from of Loki with a chair, much like last time.

“Look, I’ve never done this before so if it hurts I’m sorry.”

“What are you going to do to me?”

“Just relax” You placed your fingers on his temples gently, closing your eyes. You tried to concentrate on him, his pain. You wanted to understand him more. Then you saw the tesseract and a purple titan with a deceiving smile. A tear rolled down your cheek as you searched for the cause of his pain. You saw auras within his memories. Those of his adopted family in happy memories turned sour. He believed his life was a lie. He didn’t want to love anymore, in fear he would get hurt again. He-.

You were brought back to reality, your hands were no longer on Loki’s temple but within his hands. You had caused him pain. Making him relive those memories. Thor had entered the room at this point. You still didn’t notice the tear on your cheek until Loki wiped it away.

“How- how did I see that?”

“That I’m not entirely sure of. It seems you hold abilities even more than you already possess”

“But I read auras, not emotions and memories.”

“I’m afraid you might be wrong there.”

“You are not doing that again” Thor demanded, voice deep.

“Why not? This would be the best way to heal your brother”

“Y/N you screamed as you cried. I do not think its best for you to continue. I shall call Stark and-”

“No! I- I need to continue”

“Y/N it will harm you”

“No, you don’t understand. I need to continue Thor. Not only am I helping Loki, but I’m expanding my knowledge of my powers. Who knows what other abilities I possess.” Excitement and urgency filled your tone, making Thor rethink his decisions. Was it wise to keep you here, letting you continue? Without his father’s knowledge? What was he thinking? He trusted you. He had to let you do this. You know the dangers, yet still want to continue, who was he to deny that.

“I shall not stop you if this is the path you choose. You cannot stop. You must continue forward until the very end” He lectured you as if you were entering battle.

“I know. But I trust my gut, Thor. This is something I have to do. There are no choices in this, no decisions that will change my mind. Its something I know that must be done” Thor nodded saying nothing more. You turned your attention back to Loki. He stayed silent, knowing exactly what you saw.

“Thor, leave us. Can you mute the cell? The barrier would have that ability I assume?” Thor huffed but nodded, answering your question as he left. He gave a thumbs up showing that he could no longer hear you, but you had to check. You knew what he was like. You turned and yelled.

“Thor is a giant asshole with an ego bigger than Tony!” Thor didn’t budge, but Loki stifled a laugh. You turned towards him and let out a giggle yourself.

“I had to check. He’s not very fond of us being alone together. Even if he can see us, he thinks you’ll manipulate me if he cant hear us.”

“And what makes you think I won’t.” He tried to shield himself again, going back to his trickster persona.

“I’ve seen your pain, your memories, Loki. You don’t have to hide anymore. Not with me. You hold no hatred for attacking my planet. I know you had no choice. That thing. The purple titan. He forced you to do it. I know you're not the monster they think you are.” You held his hand in a comforting way. Letting him know that he could trust you. His eyes searched yours for deceit. Anything that would show him that you would betray him like the rest of them. But he found nothing. He began to break.

“I didn’t want to do it. I thought I killed Thor. And I hated it. But I had to prove to him- to Thanos-”

“His name is Thanos?” His eyes shut briefly as he sighed.

“Yes. I had to prove my loyalty. He tortured me after he saved me. He needed me. The god presumed dead by his brother. No one would see me coming.” You nodded your head, listening to every word diligently. He poured his heart out, for the first time in his life. He was vulnerable. He told a Midgardian everything that was eating at his conscious. And during that whole ordeal, you didn’t say a word. You let him vent. It seemed as though you were a therapist of some kind to him. Once he stopped, he noticed your tears. You felt empathy, for him. No one had cared enough to ever listen to his words. But now, here you were, sat in front of him, crying. He didn’t know what to feel.

Thor was stood outside Loki’s cell the whole time. Not being able to hear a word. He saw that Loki was the only one speaking. He feared that Loki was trying to manipulate you, he went to interrupt before he saw your hand signalling him to calm down. You sensed his tension. You had to let him know you were okay. Loki wouldn’t open up if Thor interrupted. But when Loki stopped speaking and Thor saw your lips move, with tears in your eyes. He couldn’t take it anymore. He burst into the cell. You stood in defence at the sudden sound.

“What did you say to her Loki?!” Thor had misread the situation. You had to calm him down. You walked towards him, putting your hands up to try and calm him.

“Thor, I’m fine. He didn’t do anything” Thor barged passed you and went to punch Loki but you jumped in front of him taking the hit. You grunted as the force threw you to the wall. Thor pulled back, seeing your figure leaning against the wall. He resented himself for striking you, even if it was by accident. You looked up, holding your waist. The force you hit the wall at caused some more physical damage than the broken and bloody nose. Your other hand made it up to your nose to examine the damage. With the force of a god, you were lucky you were still conscious. Loki had come to your aid, helping you up while Thor was frozen, unable to believe his actions.

“Are you alright?” Loki’s voice showed concern. You kept hold of Loki’s shoulders to keep your balance. The thumping in your head didn’t stop you from yelling.

“You idiot! Thor, when will you learn that your actions have consequences! Stop and listen before attacking someone. It will get you out of so many unnecessary situations!” You removed your hand from your waist, placing it on your head. The shouting had made it worse.

“Damn it, Thor. I told you to trust me.”

“You were crying what was I suppose-”

“I was crying because he told me everything! I got so sad thinking ‘How could he live like that? How did he last so long?’ I cried because I have empathy, Thor.”

“I’m so sorry Y/N I-”

“Save it. I’m not mad. Just hurt.” You groaned in pain as you shifted your weight.

“Let me take you to a healer” Thor’s hands reached out to help you.

“Fine.” You removed your arm from Loki’s shoulders as Thor placed a hand under your knees, and the other on the small of your back before he lifted you. You looked at Loki and saw how hurt he was of your pain. He wanted to take you himself and check on you whenever he could. But as a prisoner, he wasn’t granted that freedom.

Taglist: @lovermrjokerr @lord-byron @lucywrites02 @violetica

[kitkatt0430]

the flash and the problem of the pointless sacrifice

It starts at the end of season one. Eddie Thawne picks up his gun and shoots himself, dying to protect Iris, Barry, and the rest from his dangerous descendent Eobard Thawne.

Season two ends with its reversal, Barry creating the Flashpoint Timeline that, though its eventually set back to 'normal-ish', leaves a time remnant of Eobard Thawne alive and well (if running scared from the Black Flash/Hunter Zolomon as a speed zombie) to wreak havoc once more.

And I get it. The Reverse Flash is one of the Flash's most iconic villains - killing him off in season one couldn't be permanent. But apparently Eddie's suicide could be and the message that sends is... unfortunate.

Eddie is an extremely kindhearted person and we see that about him again and again throughout season one. He always has a smile for the people he cares about and he's an absolutely terrible liar. But we also know that he was bullied as a child/teen and since he never brings up the subject of his own family, it's likely he doesn't have a support structure outside of Central City. And the support structure he does gain in Central City was Barry's support structure first. There's not a single person we see Eddie spend time with in season one that didn't know Barry first.

And that's a big part of what wears him down over the course of the season. When both Barry and Eddie need support, Barry gets it first. Barry's secrets are treated as something Eddie has to prioritize over his relationship with Iris. Barry's loved Iris longer than Eddie's known her and while Iris loves Eddie, she also loves Barry and she's infatuated with the Flash - not realizing he's Barry's alter ego. Over the course of the season, Eddie constantly tries to connect with Barry and Barry constantly holds back. Their relationship is never equal. And that's what leaves Eddie open to Eobard's manipulations with the future news article.

And Eddie tries to make his own future with Iris anyway. But even with Iris accepting his proposal, Joe makes it clear he'll never truly accept their relationship and Eddie's sense of self worth is at an all time low. And that's the state of mind he's in during the fight in the pipeline. When Barry chooses not to let Eobard go after all, it puts them all in a position of potentially having to deal with this fight between the two speedsters just... never ending. It puts Iris in danger because Barry cares about her and because while Eddie is Eobard's ancestor... Iris isn't. From Eobard's point of view, Eddie's the only one who isn't expendable and from Eddie's point of view... he's the only one who is expendable.

His answer is suicide. And his death immediately erases Eobard from the timeline, but its also implied to have contributed to the re-emergence of the singularity. But at least Eobard was dead.

At least, until Barry created Flashpoint at the end of season 2. Presumably Eddie was alive in Flashpoint, but we never see him. Maybe he stays in Keystone instead of transferring to Central City. Never meets Iris. Never gets worn down to feel like he's not good enough. Never kills himself.

When Flashpoint is reset, Eddie's dead again but now his sacrifice has been rendered moot because Eobard's still alive as a time remnant.

It sets a rather nasty precedent for the show.

Season two also ends with a suicide. This time it's Barry's.

Much like Eddie the year before, Barry's been worn down. He had his place in his family's come into question, with Henry leaving at the start of the season and Wally's arrival midway through the season. His back is literally broken by the stress of fighting Zoom and despite everything he's suffered for the city, his honor is called into question the instant a different speedster takes to thievery. He has to give up his speed to protect Wally only for that to immediately put Caitlin in danger. His colleagues are brutally murdered by Zoom to teach him a lesson. His father finally comes back for good, only to be murdered in the same place as Barry's mother.

Honestly, there is no question (to my mind anyway) that Barry's suicidal at the end of the season. And because Barry his time remnants are fundamentally the same person at the moment of their split, the time remnant Barry creates is suicidal as well.

That time remnant tears himself apart to stop Zoom's plan to destroy the multi-verse. His very existence also lures in the Time Wraiths that take Zoom away, transforming him into the mindless Black Flash. All at the cost of a version of Barry killing himself, going unlamented and forgotten. But at least the multi-verse was safe.

Until the Red Skies Crisis when the multi-verse is actually destroyed and rebooted.

Another sacrifice rendered pointless.

HR does not kill himself in season three. But he deliberately places himself in a position to be killed in Iris' place. He arrives on the heels of a scandal on his Earth where he's been revealed to have been taking credit for someone else's work - with that person's blessing, but its still ruined his reputation. He comes wanting to reinvent himself, but from the start he's not the person the team really wants. They want Harry. Cisco wants Harry. He gets it hammered in that his strengths aren't appreciated by the team because he's not a scientist. His efforts to help STAR Labs are dismissed entirely. The only reason any attempts to help his museum venture succeed are because changing the future might save Iris.

It's not that HR is disliked, but he's left acutely aware that he's considered 'a bit much' and that he's always going to come second to the people he puts first. In fact, Tracy's probably the only one who truly and completely appreciates HR as he is.

So HR swaps places with Iris, knowing that he's going to die when he does. And while HR doesn't kill himself, there's an argument to be made that what he did was still suicide by proxy.

And this is a sacrifice that sticks, because Iris West is the love interest. She's never going to be killed off for real.

Three seasons ending with a suicidal sacrifice. And only one of them doesn't have that sacrifice reversed or nullified. Unfortunately, that's not the end of it either.

Harry leaves his Earth at the start of season four. His relationship with his daughter, which was shown to still be strong in season three, has somehow deteriorated to the point where she's thrown him off her support team and he comes to Earth-1 to reconnect with the found family he forged during season two. He's in the midst of a crisis and his understanding of himself as a parent is unraveling. And then DeVoe calls the other pillar of Harry's self identity into question, because Harry's genius isn't enough on its own anymore. He's not smart enough to out think DeVoe and his Earth-1 family is suffering. So Harry creates his own downfall, burns out his own brain trying to be the smartest. And he sacrifices his last moments of lucidity to find the answer to stopping DeVoe. In doing so, Harry puts Barry in the position to save Ralph's life.

But DeVoe still gets the last laugh when he causes the STAR Labs satellite to come falling down, nearly destroying the city and creating Cicada in the process.

But unlike previous seasons, Harry doesn't die. He gets some of his intelligence back and immediately gets exiled by the writers back to Earth-2 due to the massive problems with ableism this show has. But that's a different conversation.

Season five is probably the only season not to include a suicidal character who's kills themselves. Nora dies when she erases herself from the timeline by accident, but we know now she'll be back in the back half of season seven, along with her new brother. But one out five seasons not taking a suicide (or similar action in Harry's case) and painting it as a noble - but ultimately useless - gesture is rather... bad as far as track records go.

Season six has the alternate Barry Allen - implied to be the Barry from the 90s show - who dies in place of this show's Barry. To save the multi-verse and let this other Barry go home to his wife, something he'll never have with Tina again. And the multi-verse is destroyed anyway.

Season seven opened with Nash Wells, whose usual method of investigating mysteries and hoaxes led to the Anti Monitor's freedom and the multi-verse's destruction. His home Earth destroyed so he can never go home. He's confronted with an alternate version of his dead daughter, who can barely stand his presence. He begins to hallucinate alternate versions of himself and is possessed by the Reverse Flash and all his research on how to create a new Speed Force - to try to make up for some of the damage he's caused - points to a single conclusion. The only way to make things better is for him to die.

Instead, Nash's death immediately makes things worse. The artificial speed force is flawed and Barry destroys it in the very next episode. And while one could argue that Nash's death allowed Barry to save Iris and ultimately restored the original Speed Force, it doesn't negate the fact that Nash's suicidal state of mind wasn't addressed by the people who called him friend. And his legacy was immediately deemed a failure and destroyed.

While I wouldn't say the show is glorifying suicide, there's a subtle and incredibly troubling repetition in the story telling on the show that frames suicide as the right decision in certain circumstances. Even though what's being sacrificed for often comes to naught. And it's incredibly uncomfortable, seeing it all laid out like this.

I'm still really not sure what to make of it all, but I've got no doubt it ties into the show's ableism with regards to mental health issues. Because every time its someone whose mental health has been brought down to a low point who commits these acts of 'sacrifice' and while the team grieves these losses... they don't seem to learn from them either. Because it just keeps happening.

(Think I missed something? Please, by all means, add on.)

[roccinan]

I'm risking sounding terribly egoistical by sending a public ask about my own url here but I'm doing it!!!!! I need the super graphic-details

Your ego is my ego, dearest nharidy. There's a reason the doc is named after you hahaha

[ 👉 My Wips ]

OK so the Absolvisti sequel's been sitting in my head since well, the week after I published it lmao. But I never got around to writing because I wasn't sure if it was being too self-indulgent (I'm feeling more confident about it now that I know you'll be pleased by it!). Also because I was having trouble deciding on a pov: should I continue with the Tatiana 1st person pov as always? Change it up to Martin 3rd person? or surprise: 1st person Don Juan?? Should it be a new chapter or new fic? (def. open to suggestions here!) Also I think it'd be Iconic to publish a story in the Dies Irae universe with our new cat profile pics.

Graphic detail time :D Prepare for a SUPER LONG answer LMAO. Most of the things I mentioned here and here will make their way in, with maybe a bonus ns/fw chapter from Martin or Andres' pov. The main story is SFW however, and there's like a hilariously high amount of hurt!Andres, who doesn't have demons to rely on anymore but still carries all the permanent damage the demons left on him:

It takes place some months after Absolvisti so Andres is doing better, but not fully well yet. He's not actively dying anymore but he does faint a lot and isn't exactly making a full recovery. Because I wanted to make things harder for Martin. Because he's not a young man anymore, the wounds were super extensive, and this is the result of years of accumulated damage + a form of "withdrawal" (the shadows/demons that used to feed on him were also the things that kept him alive so it's one big cycle that his body isn't leaving that easily).

This means every time Martin plans something nice for him like seeing a play or going out for a nightly walk, Andres can't go through the whole thing without feeling unwell. (Martin: "I over-exerted the love of my life. I am so SELFISH. what does Andres see in me??" Andres: "I disappointed the love of my life. I am the WEAKEST. what does Martin see in me??" Tatiana: feed me, bitches)

They manage to sit through one play though (not sure if I want this at the beginning or end of the fic LMAO). It's the one Bogota wrote, The Necromancer's Lament, a "biopic" about Andres' life. And it's every bit as terrible as Martin expected. Bad special effects, bad acting especially from Martin's actor, Andres' actor has a beard, and Tatiana looks like this:

Andres thinks it's the best play ever. Martin hates it and demands a refund. Tatiana hates it too but Don Juan's like, "mi amor, you are still beautiful to me, even as a deformed puppet."

Martin's 120-page complaints aside, Bogota runs the theatre troupe with his partner, Nairobi/Agata, and they're both going to start teaching performing arts at Santa Catalina because the last drama professor died lmao

Meanwhile, Santa Catalina has a new bad girl student, Tokyo/Silene! Sergio took her in as a charity case after some dark and mysterious events in her life. But Tokyo being Tokyo can't stay away from trouble, and she becomes obsessed with finding the demons that Andres expelled. Some bizarre possessions start happening again and the school's sponsors force Raquel to keep it under wraps. (Raquel: maybe if you increased funding, we wouldn't have so many problems!!)

In the meantime, Martin gets that letter from a long lost relative asking to meet him. Not sure about the order of this either. Anyway, Martin was planning to ignore the relative, but Andres insists he go. Either Tatiana or Don Juan accompany him. Martin learns that he's the sole heir of his dead parents across the sea (the will: “we forgive you for being a heretic, a freak of nature, and the alchemist of Palermo. also no hard feelings for leaving you to die as a baby xoxoxo”). There's one (1) condition though: he has to end his partnership with the necromancer. Martin: NO THANKS.

So while Martin's dealing with this unexpected drama, Sergio decides to call in Andres' expertise TM again because it's also a good excuse to talk to his brother. Martin is Very wary about this and rejects him. But Andres insists that it'll be fine. Plus, maybe he wants to turn a new leaf and help Santa Catalina for nothing in return this time. Not everyone gets a second chance at life and he doesn't want to be a bad person anymore uwu (Tatiana: "Andres was a pretentious piece of shit, surprising no one." Martin: "Nobody deserves Andres, not even me, and I'm like, the most amazing person in the world.")

Andres comes to do the exorcism with the random priest the school hired. And they discover there aren't any demons- it's just some ghost fucking around (maybe I'll make it the spirit of Gandia or Alicia since they haven't shown up yet lol). Anyway, it doesn't go very well but Andres gets rid of the creature or whatever. Not before it punctures a hole in his side though. Then Martin loses it, just full-on screams at Sergio for almost getting Andres killed again, makes a lot of threats against the school, etc. etc.

Raquel, being more useful, plugs up the wound. But the priest accidentally provokes Martin more by asking Raquel if he should mop up Andres' blood with holy water or something. What if the necromancer's blood is cursed?? And now it's all over the floor, so disgusting :/

Martin, already in a very bad mood, beats the priest up.

They go home. Martin's in a really sour mood and he just doesn't understand why Andres isn't mad at Sergio. Martin: "It's really emotionally damaging to me if you don't give a fuck about yourself." Andres makes him even angrier by bringing up the Berrote family will and having the audacity to suggest Martin leave him for money. He makes a huge case about how he literally has nothing to offer Martin except a body that barely works and a terrible reputation. Martin: "I lost a fucking eye for you??"

They fight and Martin storms away, and also kidnaps Don Juan, his honorary new soulmate who would never betray him like Andres.

A while after this, the Spanish Inquisition local clergy arrests Andres for "questioning." Because the shenanigans at Santa Catalina are still going on and that one priest suspects him of being behind everything just because. Raquel's the one who bails him out. She may not like Sergio's brother, but the way everyone else treats him is ridiculous.

Andres limps home, hoping Martin's still away. Surprise! Martin felt guilty and came back. And it's pretty obvious that Andres has just been tortured. Martin: "Say no more. I'm going to kill some people."

Andres gets Martin to not do anything stupid by dropping the thing with the will. He admits he was wrong for saying those things to Martin and he selfishly, genuinely wants to stay with Martin forever. Martin: "I'm still going to kill your brother. You may appease me with a kiss."

Does it end here? No! Because the shit at Santa Catalina is still happening. Andres and Martin solve it for good though. But it's all very dramatic. I'm vaguest about this part, but maybe Nairobi's injured saving Tokyo, and this gives Tokyo the wakeup call to move on from whatever baggage that got her into this mess in the first place. Then Andres' solution for saving Nairobi is to ask Martin to work that alchemist magic and transfer her wounds onto himself (at this point, we're just going overboard with the Andres whump but asdfasdf why stop??). Raquel: Sergio, tell your brother to stop dying. That's a bad example for the kids.

It takes a lot of convincing, but Martin relents in the end, only because he trusts Andres. At this point, Andres has been through so much that he physically cannot take any more damage. Like, he just can't lmao. So the whole process puts Andres into a coma or something. But we don't need him anymore because now we can revel in Martin's angst!

Martin spends the rest of his time crying and angsting and guilt-tripping Sergio, and just being very loud in general. He also writes back to his family and tells them to fuck off.

Once we indulge in enough of Martin's pain, Andres finally wakes up. Still very bad off but he's alive and not showing signs of dying any time soon. So that's good enough for Martin. They have a nice heart-to-heart, and idk, maybe Raquel comes to see them because Sergio's too embarrassed to. Until Andres insists, because he loves hermanito unconditionally uwu. Martin: "watch your back, Sergio. I might murder you in your sleep (:"

Then at the very end (I have no idea how long this story is LOL), there's some kind of family photoshoot between Raquel, Sergio, and Paula. Everyone's raving over this new invention called the "camera." Andres is admiring it from a distance until Raquel's like, "get over here. what part of FAMILY photoshoot do you not understand!?"

Andres is shocked pikachu face because good will towards him for once?? he's being included in something?? people want him around?? what is happening??

Martin's happy for him though. Then he's admiring from a distance until Raquel's like, "I said FAMILY photoshoot. Get over here, Martin!"

Tatiana didn't want to be a part of it, but Paula saw her favorite talking cat and like, grabbed her lmao. Don Juan photobombs it because he can't be excluded from an activity with Tatiana, especially when his former rival Andres is in the photo too. (His current rival is Casanova, an unworthy white cat vying for Tatiana's affections)

Sergio proposes to Raquel. The end! Yes, the kitty love triangle is also a central theme of this story LMAO Hope that satisfies you, nharidy! And I welcome any and all suggestions!

[flowerflamestars]

Hey hey hey. I hope you're doing well!! With A court of Silver Flames coming soon, I was wondering what your opinion is about it. Personally I'm rather worried with how the book will go and I just really don't want Nesta to go to the Illyrians Mountains. I want her to say fuck it and whatever happens she does on her own terms. But I don't believe that's very likely and well, 😔. Here's to hoping that Sarah is going to do a great job with the book.

Hope you had a great Christmas and New Year!! ❤️❤️

Hey! I had lovely holidays, I hope you did too :)

I am of...so many minds about the next book. Overall, I really do think its going to be a lot like reading acowar: I’ll enjoy reading it in a light way, but retrospective awareness of plot holes/weird character stuff will keep me from loving it. Fun book not...a masterful book that holds up?

I have MANY wishes for how Nesta’s story would play out, but the ground work for a very different series of events is where acofas left us. 

I’ve talked at length about how the Illyria thing seems...bad. I initially tried to be excited?? GOD do I want a nessian book! an Illyrian revolution! But the framework is just..fucked? I’m not down with a romance starting with the woman in the pairing (who has already told her male counterpart to leave her alone) being passed like a recalcitrant pet into his custody. 

Do I love a situation with strife and limitations that forces people to see each other? Yes. Do I like this one? Eh.

In particular the setup of this one is functioning on multiple bad levels. Feyre, sending her sister away because she’s decided personal offense? Is the response? To someone clearly at rock bottom and suicidal? Taking away another home, this one Nesta was always sure didn’t want her, proving to Nesta that her sister can’t stand to have her even in the same city.

Rhysand, who I’ve talked about before in this instance. Who wants Nesta gone. If Nesta dies in Illyria, fine. She’ll probably take out some of rebels when she goes. She’s Cassian’s mate? Cool maybe she’ll kill whoever inevitable comes at him. It’s sending an armed nuclear weapon into a failing peace talk. Rhys knows Illyria is on the edge of rebellion.

Cassian. Just- jesus christ, Cassian. It’s like he can’t get it right because he doesn’t trust himself enough, ever, to just go with his first impulse where Nesta is concerned. (See, following Rhysands threat to the letter and NOT SAYING A WORD TO HER AT SOLSTICE, BUT THEN FOLLOWING HER OUT INTO THE DARK BECAUSE HE DID, IN FACT, WANT HOLIDAY TIME WITH HER). He’s maybe hurt her the most? 

Which leads me to something else. I am very, very excited to have both of their canon POVs. Because I have questions! 

Like, okay, the big failure is obviously the end of that last terrible battle. We see them decide to die together. The kiss. The bloody embrace. Hybern’s death. The promise that probably meant quite literally everything to Nesta.

And then...all we know, from like, a little throwaway sentence is that somehow, the next time we see Cas, moments later, he is a)well enough to stagger off the field (did Nesta try to heal him?), and b) arm in arm with Morrigan.

Mor was, I think, supposed to be protecting Elain? It’s her only action through the entire war, and we never see it happen, and then she.... showed up somewhere behind her charge, who’d just stabbed Hybern...to... rip Cassian out of Nesta’s arms and heal him? Once again be a physical, vicious barrier, while Nesta is too in shock to say anything and Cassian...lets her?

And lets be clear, he had to have let her. I know he’s half dead, but one book before we have Cassian unconscious, scrabbling in a pool of his own blood, completely unaware but still trying to respond to Nesta being tossed in the Cauldron.

He’s aware. Present. 

And I want to know why it happened! I want someone to reveal this terrible break, that is, I think, quite literally where Nesta fractured. 

Illyrian promises are a Big Deal in-universe. Cassian promised her- and then, does it just not count, because they did not, in fact, die? 

He’s not stupid, or cruel- though Cassian’s pride and wounded ego temper does cockblock him CONSTANTLY- what the hell happened?

I’m getting way off topic- but the thing is, as much as I want them together, I think the best outcome for Nesta is to have an ally that isn’t Cassian. 

Hello, Emerie. 

But! Much like the mountain set up at all, that’s also totally fraught? I’ve said it before, but could there be any bigger insult to Illyrian ladies denied their power, fighting unsuccessfully for rights, for the privilege to be Illyrian...than yet another High Fae lady, this one clearly unwilling, living in their mountains, learning their techniques, from a legendary general???

So yes, I agree, Nesta’s banishment was a pretty shitty call on all accounts.

I like the idea of the Queens being her enemies. That it wasn’t just done, what happened to her and destroyed her life, with Hybern. That Nesta has to face what else the Cauldron made. 

(A note though, on power: the narrative needs to decide, SO BADLY, what Nesta’s powers are. Primordial? Deadly? Cool, then Rhysand shouldn’t be pushing her around. The Cauldron canonically made the world, and Nesta canonically took so much of its magic she permanently damaged its function.)

What I would do, if I were writing it, is this: I’d have Cassian let Nesta go. 

He takes her out of Velaris. Away from Rhys and Feyre, from everything, and says, you don’t have to come with me.

And it’ll mean- you don’t have to come with me, because I know you don’t want to. I won’t trap you. Now or ever. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Cassian, going in one direction, free in the sky. Nesta, going another, unmoored but choosing it. Cassian handles the Illyrian rebellion, and figuring out what he needs. Nesta heals slow, falls in with the Band of Exiles, whose closeness to human causes leads her back to helping her people, to eventual collision course with the Queens.

SEPARATE journeys in parallel that come together in peril. They meet again strong. Free of the Night Court. Trying to do what is right.

And then, they fight. Because it’s still the easiest language they both speak. But they ALSO still love each other- and isn’t this, after all, so very nearly another life? It’s time, to fight side by side.

But what I think is going to happen is a lot more...painful? They’re going to go to Illyria and Cassian is going to make Nesta train. They’re going to fight and fuck, hurt each other with both those things way before they’re ready for something real. The rebellion might not happen? Nesta’s going to get a Feyre 2.0 fighting course. It’ll empower her...but it’s still not her choice. 

She’s then either going to a) go rogue and go after the Queens herself, b) get kidnapped again, or c)Rhysand is going to send her and Cassian after them, banishment matchmaking vol. 2: the assassination assignation, maybe with backseat Azriel, who has also had goddamn enough of everything.

Love is, of course, going to prevail, but really at this point, what I want most (aside from ANSWERS)is just...Nesta’s health? For her to spend time around people who treat her with even the slightest modicum of respect?

And I do have hope! The advertising has emphasized found family specifically. I hope, so badly, that that means Nesta gets her own family. That her journey takes her to a place she chooses. 

Cassian needs to heal too- and really, really, decide to live for himself and make his own choices. My greatest hope isn’t just that it’s a sexy love story, but that they end up better, freer, and more appreciated by the end. 

[deathonyourtongue]

Hi, I saw your prompt!!! Can something be written abt this: Person A catching Person B after they’ve fainted. This would be for our boy Henry (or any of his characters) Please and thank you!!!

Title: Blackout Word count: 1192 Warnings: Body-image issues.

Well, this one got away from me and went in a completely different direction than I had originally planned, thanks to this song. Enjoy!

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The light’s really bright when you open your eyes, and you can’t figure out why. Squinting, you close one eye, trying to adjust the other so you can see exactly what’s going on. 

Henry’s face is the first thing to come into focus and he does not look happy. Raising your hand to shield your eyes, you groan. Your head is pounding and things feel wavy. 

“What?” You grumble, giving Henry the same mean mug he’s giving you, your eyes narrowing as you slowly sit up, an immediate mistake when it feels like you’re going to hurl. Gripping Henry’s forearm, you take several deep breaths, willing things to go back to normal and for your head to stop feeling like it’s simultaneously filled with lightning bolts and air.

“What? Oh, I don’t know, darling, you tell me. When’s the last time you ate?” Henry’s question is pointed and you snarl, not in the mood to talk about your diet. Leaning your head against his chest, you realize you’re sitting on the kitchen floor, dinner simmering away above you on the stove. Things start piecing together and you’re grateful you hadn’t taken a boiling pot down with you when you crashed. 

“Love, I’m not sure what you’re playing at, but it ends now. You’re freezing--in the middle of summer, might I add--your skin’s all clammy, and you went dead quiet for an hour. Should’ve known right then that something was off, you’re never quiet. You’re lucky I was here. Do you have any idea what could have happened had you been alone?” The stress in Henry’s voice cuts your ego down to size and you curl up against him, ashamed. 

“M’sorry. I just…” Your cheeks burn, the words on the tip of your tongue, but trapped by your mind which is unwilling to admit the real reason you’d passed out. 

“You know you can tell me anything, my love. Why are you doing this to yourself?” Henry’s tone is softer this time, concerned and sympathetic despite not knowing your reasons. It makes your heartache and not for the first time, you feel both inadequate and luckier than any other woman on the face of the earth. 

“I’m trying to lose weight. Summer’s coming for real, and I know there’s going to be...things. I’m just....You’re...Well, you know what you look like, you own a mirror. I’m just...I’m a blob.” Tears slip past your cheeks as look down at your hands, wishing the world would cave in on itself so that you didn’t have to bare your soul a second longer. 

You’re not ready for Henry’s arms to tighten their grip around you, nor for him to pick you up with such ease. Padding out to the couch, he sets you down, then crouches so he’s eye level with you. Knowing your propensity for avoiding eye contact, Henry takes your chin in hand, keeping your gaze in his own line of sight. His expression still holds concern, but also a disappointment, and for the first time in a long time, you find your other half looking like he might burst into tears. When he speaks, his voice is choked up and crackling like firewood.

“I wish you could see yourself the way I see yo--” His eyes flash, and an idea forms right before your eyes. Tugging you up off the couch, Henry guides you upstairs, beelining it for the full-length mirror in your bedroom.

“Henry,” you sigh, tears falling down your own face as he hugs you from behind, tucking his head into the crook of your neck. 

“The first thing I noticed, the first thing that ever took my breath away, was your eyes. I’ve never met anyone with eyes as beautiful as yours, and I never will again.” Henry’s cheeks are soaked as he kisses your temple with the utmost reverence. 

“Smile for me, my love.” He whispers, pleading. You do as asked, and though it doesn’t reach your eyes, it’s enough for his own smile to peek out. “There it is, so radiant and stunning. And those dimples. I can’t get enough of those dimples.” He kisses one for good measure, making your smile brighten just a little more. 

Settling his chin on your shoulder, Henry continues, undeterred by any self-doubt you may have. He kisses your neck and speaks of its swan-like grace. His lips light over your shoulders and the designs that permanently adorn both, confirming the beauty of your artistic choices. He lifts your arms, making you flex and show off the newly-acquired muscles there, certain in his knowledge that they’ll only get stronger as time goes on. Then his eyes darken as they gaze over the areas you hate the most. 

You can’t help but let out a burst of laughter as Henry unabashedly cups your breasts in his hands, his lips ghosting the shell of your ear as he speaks. 

“Do you know why we sat at the restaurant for so long on our first date? Because these two made me stand at attention and I had to think of unspeakable horrors to get my friend down there to relax again.” You can hear the grin in his voice as he takes you all the way back to your first date and the awkward wait after paying the bill wherein he seemed to just want to hang out despite both of you being finished your meals. “Their magic hasn’t dissipated, darling. Not even a little.” 

You hold your breath as his hands smooth over your tummy. Far from the six-pack he has, it pours over a little when you wear high-waisted pants, and a lot when you have nothing on; at least in your eyes. Henry pulls down the sweats you’re wearing and lifts up your shirt a bit, exposing all of your stomach, his eyes watching you in the mirror. 

“My Bathing Woman, my Diana, my Musidora. How could you possibly think that your curves, your tummy, your thighs, your hips, are anything but art?” He seems completely dumbfounded, Henry closing his eyes against more tears, his hold on you tightening. 

“This is all to say that you are the love of my life, and that you will always stop the world for me each time I lay eyes on you. Nothing you can do or say will ever change that. I see only beauty, passion, and love when I look at you. I see only home.” 

Sniffling, Henry finally stands to his full height, wiping his face, the fear from your earlier blackout still lingering as he covers his eyes with his hands. Your heart breaks, realizing just how much damage you could have done, not only to yourself, but to him with your actions. 

Without a word, you careen into his chest, arms locking around him in the fiercest hug you’ve ever given in your life, one that holds as much love as it does contrition. He doesn’t hesitate to hug you back just as hard, one hand immediately covering the crown of your head while the other holds you close as can be.

“No more of this. No more hurting yourself. Please. For me, love.”