#bc on the one hand its a really heartbreaking example of how fucked up the governor module is

[radiantmists]

so murderbot assumes that three offered its armor because it doesn't understand that the armor can belong to it and thinks mb taking the armor is just good resource allocation.

but if it assumes it doesnt have control over the armor, it would probably let whoever it sees as in charge (maybe ART?) handle it, or at least make the suggestion directly to that person. even newly freed in NE, it's willing to give its security advice (on hostage situations being undesirable) even if it doesn't expect to be taken seriously. it doesn't make sense to me that it would have so much trouble expressing the offer if it were just a security suggestion.

and then i think about how murderbot says later in the book that even if three felt fondly toward its fellow SecUnits, the govmod would prevent it from expressing that care or knowing it was returned.

so-- imagine you're three, and you havent yet internalized that you can just say "i care about you and dont want you to get hurt" to another SecUnit; but you can make sure that it has every resource it might need; you could probably do that even before the govmod was hacked.

you can't explain why, but you can hope that the gesture is explanation enough, and you can look for similar caretaking gestures in return; things like being given code and advice to do your job better, and being reassured when you express that you're finding said job difficult.

i think *murderbot* isn't aware of this language of care, because it hasnt had much opportunity to bond with other constructs. but three probably is, and probably knows how to read between the lines and guess that murderbot is starting to care about it, too.

[daedalusdavinci]

spell homestuck

GOD. THIS IS SO MUCH LONGER THAN TWO FACE. i typed too much and theres too many qs so under the cut it goes

H - What is your favorite source text for fandom stuff (e.g., TV shows, movies, books, anime, Western animation, etc.)?

books!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! or....... i guess comics, these days, but i HATE READING COMICS they juST HAVE MORE COMPELLING FANDOMS. book fandoms are PUNY nad everyone is STUPID. youd think actual literary fandoms would have reading comprehension and understanding of literary critique but no!!!!!!!!!!!!! its literally my eternal fuckign struggle. somehow comic fandoms hit the perfect medium between compelling, readable content and the enthusiasm of cartoon fans without the childishness of cartoon fans

O - Choose a song at random. Which ship or character does it remind you of?

this isnt really a thing i do. the only time i associate characters w songs is my own ocs. barbies theme is miltons tower from the what remains of edith finch soundtrack!

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend.

i have also never really been one to project myself into stories. its just not how i consume media. i think sollux and rose already closely resemble the kinds of friends i make, so maybe them?

E - Have you added anything cracky/hilarious to your fandom? If so, what?

(freddy fazbear vc) vanessa.... ive done things, im not proud of.

i dont even know if i want to answer this question bc its so fucking humiliating LKJSNDLFSDNFSDF the truth is yes. i am solely responsible for. a lot. particularly in the pjo fandom. i created several crackships ground up all on my own way back in 2014 and developed a following for them and i. dont wantto tell you what those ships were. LSKJDFNSLDJNSDFSDDF ive also pioneered many ship tags for other fandoms and i ship a lot of rarepairs and stuff but i dont think im RESPONSIBLE for them?? in that some ppl already were into them/talking abotu them or tht theyre still not popular (augh. to the ones that became popular) but i AM liTERALLY responsible for some crack shit in the pjo fandom and its. it haunts me sometimes. i dont want to talk about it. IF YOU REMEMBER WHAT I DID NO YOU DONT

S - Show us an example of your personal headcanon (prompts optional but encouraged)

this is so vague. my headcanons are shifting and nebulous and aus are my constant companion in everything, but uhhhhhhghhusjkdjnsdg i think. roxy writes the same way dave draws comics. its extremely memey and meta and self aware and largely just for the personal lolz, and were all doing her a disservice by pretending her writing looks like roses, when in reality dirk is probably the one whod make comics the way rose makes books (which is probably why he doesnt make comics). its more of that thing where roxy and dave are the same and rose and dirk are the same ykwim. well YOU dont corvus but im sure someone else does

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending?

jason takes after bruce in terms of like. adopting entirely too many kids. he broods

U - Three favorite characters from three different fandoms, and why they’re your favorites.

harvey is a heartwrenching character when written well, with a complicated view of morality, heartbreaking ties to our main hero, and a lot of internal conflict. something about such a hopeful character deadset on making a different in the system becoming a victim of it, and the potential he has as a vehicle for critiquing the law.

percy is my favorite character from pjo bc it was the very first time in my life i ever read a book and saw myself in it. hes aggressive, impulsive, and rebellious, he fidgets and has a hard time standing still, he acts on emotion without always thinking it through, he gets in trouble in school and hands his mom a murder weapon to kill his stepdad, hes just... hes a lot of the things ive always gotten in trouble for, things i couldnt help being, and hes a hero. he means everything to me.

vriska, i will maintain until the day i die, is one of the best homestuck characters- maybe just characters?- ever written. shes dramatic, shes impulsive, shes manipulative and mean and creative, and shes just so messy about it. shes a mean girl in a way that feels real, where her trauma impacts and shapes her as a person, and shes complex, with warring wants, and people she cares about, and dreams, and shes so messy. shes rough and rude and shes doing what SHE wants to, being a version of herself that feels right to HER, rather than some caricature of the hot badass evil lady. shes thirteen!! and she FEELS thirteen. shes a thirteen year old weird girl who is kind of an asshole, and she means literally fucking everything to me. shes a pirate!!!!! shes a swashbuckling badass dressing up in her larping outfit and yelling at her friends on the playground to swab the deck and she is the bestest ever, the end.

i didnt mean for each one of these to be longer than the last but here we are.

C - A ship you have never liked and probably never will.

i hate jdedave peace and love it just feels weird as hell to me. dave, for the most part, is hyper respectful of other peoples choices and boundaries but when it comes to jade hes always trying to mke choices for her, to protect her, and it gets to the point where even jade points out how much it bugs her. jades crush on dave also seems to come from a place of misunderstanding to me, admiring a lot of the parts of himself that he exaggerates and pretends to care about as a result of trauma. it always felt like a kid crush that they shouldve grown out of with time. dave also just sort of seems to... go along with whatever romantic relationships people push him into at that age, rolling with whoever flirts with him jsut bc hes trying to maintain the image of a player, so its really hard to take him seriously any time he hits on someone?

that is just my interpretation of it tho

K - What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc?

well. i havent finished my reread of homestuck, so that feels difficult to comment on just yet, bc im sure ill have a different opinion when i do finish it. no one in dc gets character arc bc theyre all just undone immediately, so thats like. yeah. and in pjo the arcs are pretty weak bc 1) kids books and 2) RICK UNDOES THEM ALL. AUGH. regardless of all of this, i am going to say jason grace. he had a lot of development in like the last two hoo books, or maybe just like.... hints of how he couldve developed? promise? which rick immediately set fire to in toa when he killed him, but fUCKING WHATEVER. UGH.

anyway actually tho eleanor from the good place. bisexual icon. queen. probably one of the best character arcs of all time. the episode w her mom has some of the most powerful fucking dialogue ever and i think about it. all the time. i should rewatch the good place.....

[multiplefandomsblog]

Can i request how different idv characters would act as roommates? Eli, Helena, Luca, Edgar, Vera, Norton and Fiona if thats alright with you :DDD

warnings? kinda suggestive, crack fic, cussing

mod toby and mod bread helped me do this fic, its a bit all over the place but it was fun so no regrets

Eli Clark

I feel like being roommates with eli would be pretty pleasant

everything would be clean all the time

he’s the type of kid that everyone wants on their team because of how good he is at everything

so if you scored a roomie like him, you got super lucky

if you left a mess he wouldn’t get mad, he would probably just clean it up himself and leave a sticky note that said to clean up ur mess next time(but not like, passive aggressively)

ofc you would clean up after the cute sticky note, bc who can say no to this bb? 

If you don’t clean up tho, brooke rose will probably shit on your hair when u sleep

tbh you’ve always wondered what eli looked like without his eye mask

so one time when Eli was sleeping, you went next to his bed to try and take his eye mask off and see what he looks like.

You took off the mask and found out it was a dummy 

a few seconds later you heard footsteps and you turned around

Eli came up behind you and knocked you out with a bat

you two don’t speak of that day.

Brooke kept screeching last night, and you got no sleep at all, so I guess we’re having chicken for dinner 

Unless you had a good reason, then eli and brooke prob won’t mind cleaning up after u

I can imagine you going back to your shared room in the manor after a rough match and seeing eli just sweeping the room in an apron and a cloth covering his hair looking like cinderella

“Honey, I’m home!”

basically if you lived with eli, you basically had a husband/mom/wife???

If you came back to the manor, beaten up and bruised from the last match he would prob pester you and nag you

while cleaning up you wounds he would prob say, “You have to be more careful, im always worrying. You’re gonna give your mom a heart attack!”

seriously tho, don’t worry this bb, he would actually have a heart attack

Helena Adams

i think living with helena would probably feel like some sort of kdrama

she might be a bit clumsy and trip over a few things, falling into your arms bc of her blindness

though she might be doing it on purpose

If you moved things in the room without telling her, she would probably get mad

for example, you move the sofa chair a little bit to the right bc you thought it looked better

helena walks in the room, sits down on the sofa chair and ends up accidentally sitting on the sofa chair arm rest instead

resulting in her bottom hurting and a very long talk with you

she got her revenge weeks later

she had asked you to check under her bed for monsters because she couldn’t do it herself

you were teasing her for still being afraid of monsters but looked underneath anyways

low and behold, 

she put a mirror there.

will even wack you with her cane if you’re being annoying

Her cane is pretty affective in shutting you up lol only sometimes

“Hey Helena, are you braille? ‘cause i can read you like a book when i touch yo-” *wack* *moans*

helena: ...

you: ...

helena: ...im leaving

you: heleNA WAIT-

One time everyone at the manor was celebrating Helena’s birthday with a piñata, 2 seconds later she was beating the shit out of Luca with her cane

even after everyone’s been yelling that he wasn’t the piñata

One time you and Helena had a staring contest because you were both bored.

She won.

sometimes to get her close to you, you would sit on the sofa chair super quietly and still

And then you’d wait for her to come and sit on your lap thinking it was the chair

and it would work 

she would probably sit on your lap for a few minutes, confused as to why the chair felt elevated

and then she would feel your arms snake around her waist

and she would- “whAT THE FUCK- SCREEEEEEE”

she would probably make a cute bird noise and then just sit there, not knowing if she should leave or not

in her head, “THEIR LAP IS SO WARM OH MY GOD WHY DIDN’T THIS HAPPEN SOONER”

in real life, “let go of me you pathetic mortal”

you’d beg her to stay on ur lap longer and she would cave in

but she didn’t stay because she liked you! baka

Luca Balsa

living with luca will probably be the opposite of eli’s

messes, everywhere

inventions, everywhere

at one point though you had a sneaking suspicion he might be a bunch of rats.

 you saw him outside crouching beside you guys’ room with a bunch of rats coming out his sleeve and running into a crack in the building

“its for science!”

he’s also super scared of helena

Luca doesn’t like to admit it, but he got his purple eye from Helena after he made a bad pick-up line for the blind. 

She’s been chanting “one of us” and threatening to “finish the job” ever since.

he’s basically a big baby that needs to be taken care of

i feel like he might break down sometimes from not doing his invention right, or feeling insecure

but i guess his rats are there to help

but since he had a roomie, he wouldn’t be able to cry on his own

and its a good thing because he doesnt have to do everything by himself anymore

he learns to ask for help when living with you

you’d help him through his episodes and he would slowly start to become more reliant on you

if he was feeling a bit moody, he would unconsciously try to find you to cuddle with

if you lived with him, you’d probably have to be very responsible

luca would have his own bed that he would never sleep in because he wouldn’t be able to sleep without you in his arms

everytime he shifts in bed, you’d feel a tiny shock

it kinda bothered you so

you pranked Luca by touching him with those zappy ring things you’d get from a dollar store.

You just wanted that mother fucker to get a taste of his own medicine

he would basically be a puppy that follow you around, he would constantly old your head

probably refers to you as his

like if you downed a shot that barmaid made for you, he would be like, “EYYYY THATS MY BABy-heurghrhgh”

now you have a drunk baby that you have to take care of

You tried giving luca a shower afterwards, now you know how it feels getting electrocuted.

And trust me, Luca and water do not mix.

good luck have fun

Edgar Valden

living with edgar would consist of 

1. edgar being super specific of what was his and what you can’t touch

2. big tsundere baby

3. sketches of you hiding in his sketch book

if you lived with edgar, you’d have to be super patient with his nagging or else you’d have to find a new roomie

he’s constantly nagging you

but if you are tired of it and give him the silent treatment, he’d probably just nag you even more for attention

you need to give this man attention or else

you ignored him for a whole day once because he said something mean

he decided to give you some milk and cookies as an apology

the ‘milk’ was his muddy paint water and the cookies were expired

i feel like one day you two would be arguing about who moved his stuff, your argument being he unconsciously moved his stuff, his argument being you moved his stuff

you guys were so heated up you didn’t notice how close you two were getting

edgar ended up pouncing on you like a feral dog

though when you woke up, you both agreed that you ended up winning the argument

when you’re reading or just doing nothing, he’d ask to sketch you or paint you

i-its not because he thinks you’re beautiful or anything

its just because he thinks that your whole self is aesthetically pleasing and pleasing to the eye- but not because he thinks you’re pretty!

sometimes when he was super focused on his art, he wouldn’t notice your figure slowly approach him

you’d boop his nose and watch as he froze

wh- hoW DARE YOU LAY YOUR HANDS ON A VALDEN

secretly tho, he really loves it when you do that.

like

do it more

please or not whatever

Vera Nair

Vera would probably be a bit anxious when she heard she was gonna get a roomie

but she would do her best to be at her best behaviour

she’s very well mannered and is very polite

she’d kinda be the type to silently care for you

like, she’d notice the little things that bothered you and made sure they wouldn’t bother you ever again

like, if you stubbed your toe alot, she would give everything that you could stub your toe with, rubber covers or socks

but she wouldn’t tell you it was her even though it was obviously her

if you fell asleep on your desk instead of your bed, she would probably but a blanket on ur shoulders and a pillow underneath where you left your head

she’s the thoughtful type

before you went for matches, she’d give you a cheek kiss for good luck

and if you did the same, she would probably play it cool but then panic a second later.

theykissedmetheykissedmetheykissedme-

im sorry this is short idk what to do for her-

Norton Campbell

oh BOY

once norton starts to warm up to you, you guys are basically married

like there was no proposal, just “do you take this man to be your husband- you can’t say no”

he would probably take care of you alot

even when you didn’t need it

i can do it mysel- no

but actually, before he warmed up to you he was pretty cold, 

he felt himself growing feelings for you

and he didn’t want to because he was afraid he would lose you and he would have to go through the heartbreak of losing someone all over again

he would leave the room to go hang out somewhere else

he would keep his distance and not talk with you much

but there was this one time where you woke up with him around you, you just pretended you didn’t wake up and relished in the feeling

it took some time, but eventually he warmed up to you

though he still constantly worries about you, he doesn’t want you to get hurt

during matches he would always take hits for you, and just stay closer to you in general

he wanted to make sure you got back to the manor safely, it didn’t matter if he was sent back via rocket chair

he always put you as his #1 priority

he also gets jealous super easily, he’s scared someone will swoop you away from him

so to make sure everyone knows that you belong to him, he’d give you his clothes to wear

not only do his clothes look adorable on you, everyone will know that you’re his

probably pester you a lot if you tripped or got a paper cut

“yoU COULD HAVE DIED” “IT WAS A PAPER CUT”

Once, Norton got stuck to the fridge like a magnet for 5 hours

He’s been using that as an excuse to force you to bring him his snacks every since.

pick up lines are a definite yes

sometimes you’d be shitting and you’d hear outside the bathroom door a faint,

“My love for you is like Diarrhea.” “norton what the fuck im shitting-” “i just can’t hold it in” cue camera zooming in on his face and him smirking into the camera “OH MY GOD WHY”

like Luca, his bed is useless. he always needs you in his arms when sleeping, he wants to protect you and just feel you closer to him

puts him at ease

kisses? hell yes.

if you had to go to a match without him he would send you off with a ton of gross wet kisses on your face ew

He might even try to seduce you into staying

“norton I’m gonna lose morality points!” “fuck your morality points, i wanna smash”

Fiona Gilman

I feel like fiona would probably super psyched when she heard about sharing rooms with you

I headcanon her to be super bubbly and social but when she is alone with her thoughts she’d probably regret everything 

“why did i say that why did i say that why did i say that-”

probably prays to god, “please kill me”

she tries her best to make sure you’re comfortable

she doesnt make a big mess and she makes sure she cleans up after herself, overall a pretty cool roommate

except for those times for when she tries to babtize you while you’re showering-

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING” “THE LORD SHALL CLEANSE YOUR SOUL WITH HOLY WATER-” “what the f- iS THIS ALCOHOL???”

this has happened too many times^^^

one time she accidentally created an ultra portal in the toilet. 

Y’all still have no idea where it leads, and no intent of finding out. 

Although, Kreacher has been complaining of some nasty stuff appearing in his room

i feel like during matches she would always call you with her portals to say hi or just give you a small kiss

it stopped being cute when she went through the portal and ended up seeing the hunter instead of you

mentally scarred from that

sometimes things would disappear in your shared room too, not only the toilet

you’re convinced she has a bunch of hidden portals in the room

like, one time you dropped a pencil and it went through the ground.

you never saw it again

Or you know that missing sock?

Portaled.

i dont know what this turned into

[thevoidable]

can we take a moment to cry about shigaraki’s backstory bc like, that poor child. like, he killed his whole family on accident (mostly 👀) then he was pretty much groomed to be a villain by all for one. i mean yea, he wasn’t all good, from the itching urge for destruction and wanting to kill his father and those two thugs, but i think he could’ve turned out good if he were raised in a happy family and not uhhh biggest villain ever. maybe i’ll make an au where someone finds him before afo does.

Omg yessssssss, apologies cuz I’m about to ramble but reading that part of the arc as it came out was like a million consecutive punches to the gut. I remember I got into bnha around the time S3 was going through its second half, and didn’t start reading the manga until the joint training arc was about halfway done (I couldn’t stand the wait for S4 so I finally gave in just so I could see what happens next and let me tell you I did not regret it one bit), and while I did think that the villains were cool and terrifying, they were mostly forgettable for me because we knew hardly anything about them (with the exception of Dabi because I jumped on the Dabi is a Todoroki theory as soon as I noticed the similarities). Even Shigaraki I didn’t really want to see on screen too much because I wasn’t interested in what his character had to offer, and then Hori gave us the MVA arc. 

At first I was aprehensive because I was worried Hori was trying to make us focus our attention on something boring and uninteresting just for the sake of moving the plot forward, but as soon as Spinner began narrating and we saw a whole new side to the villains, I was immediately sold and so goddamn invested, and the amount of content and characterisation that the villains received that arc is what made me a villain stan. I could go on and on about just how well the villains are written here, but my main reason for appreciating them as characters is because the perspectives they offer are far more interesting to me than the students. The students are very cookie-cutter black and white, happy-go-lucky and hopeful youths going on some grand journey to become heroes and save people and beat the bad guys, but said bad guys give so much more flavour to the world of bnha because they raise questions you never thought of before. Great villains are always the ones who challenge the status quo and make you question your morals and the structure of the society the characters live in, and more often than not it reaveals that the main antagonists are not actually the true evil at play here. I aboslutely love the direction Hori has taken the villains and how he’s utilised them to protray just how fucked the hero system is and how society normalizes it, and even how All Might’s age of peace turned out to be a huge fucking mistake due to the impact it had on both heroes and villains. Shigaraki is the perfect example of this, a child who suffered at the hands (literally) of his own Quirk and ended up roaming the streets looking for help. But because of All Might’s influence, society ended up complacent, because they were lulled into the mentality that someone else would come along and solve the problem, they didn’t have to get involved at all, and that’s exactly how Shigaraki wound up in the care of AFO. Because no one looked at this frightened, bloody child and wanted to lend a hand, he was left to fall victim to the darkness.

But honestly, what’s even sadder is that AFO’s grooming didn’t just make Shigaraki thirst for desctruction, but it’s set him up on a destiny he doesn’t need to be a part of, just the same as Deku. The only reason Deku and Shigaraki are fated to clash is because of the burden their mentors have placed on their shoulders, because of the long history behind OFA and AFO. Shigaraki has no prior interest in OFA, he just wants to destroy everything he hates, but it wasn’t until he received AFO that he was then unwillingly influenced to pursue it, and I’m honestly so glad that Shigaraki intends on rejecting that desire. I can only imagine what his reaction would if he learned the full truth behind AFO’s intentions for him.

All in all, I’m just absolutely in love with the villains and how their characters are written; the found family dynamic that they have going on is honestly my favourite part. The juxtaposition of Shigaraki craving the destruction of everything while simaltaneously caring and looking out for this little group he’s formed? Placing his trust in them and wanting them to be happy? Shigaraki is one of the most human characters in the entire series, and Hori’s decision to give him such an empathetic trait is the best thing to ever happen to him. Even though he was plucked off the streets and manipulated to become a force of evil, he’s still maintained that one redeeming quality that makes him three-dimensional, and it’s absolutely heartbreaking to think about what he would’ve been like had he gotten help back then. I have no doubt that he would’ve started some kind of campaign for those who are less fortunate, and I like to think that he still would’ve met at least some of the League members this way.

[bonscottintheimpala]

Hi ya I’d like to request a fanfic in which reader dates another rock star(doesn’t necessarily have to be a Zeppelin member)and he cheats or whatever happens and Jimmy is there to comfort her bc he has secretly liked her for a long time!

Gotchu. The 70's was the time of rockstars being major thots and that's just... That's just the truth. 😂

-

In The Evening

(word count: 3,911) Mature for like the first three paragraphs, and then Jimmy being a philosophical baby of understanding for the rest. And then subtle randy boi.

-

Mick Jagger is an absolute asshole. And, on top of that, a horrible liar.

After coming back to the Riot House from dinner at the Whiskey with some friends, you had opened the door to see the singer mid fucking a groupie. The man had said that it wasn’t what it looked like, even though his cock was still inside of the girl naked underneath him. You had responded by tossing the entire contents of a mini bar ice bucket over the both of them, grabbing your suitcase, and storming out of the hotel room with a heavy slam of the door that made it shake on its hinges.

You’re currently sitting on a stool in front of the hotel bar on the ground floor, a tall glass of tequila in front of you. The anger and sadness are starting to ease with each sip, probably because of how little food is in your stomach. But it doesn't matter, at any rate.

Mick Jagger is an asshole.

“Are you alright, love?”

You lift your head up to look at the Englishman on your right, and see Jimmy Page leaning casually on the bar, relaxed demeanor radiating out from him into your bones. You sigh.

“Not really. I just caught Mick fucking a groupie and he told me that it wasn't what it looked like. Even though they were…. You know, not even done, if you get what I mean.”

Jimmy's eyebrows rise with the immediate understanding of what you just said. “Well, that's probably one of the stupidest things I have ever heard someone try to explain a situation they can't get out of. And I'm guessing that's literal, based on the laugh you just did.”

“Yeah. Completely literal.” There's a light silence all for the other rock stars and girls behind the two of you. “I'm (Y/N), by the way. Forgot to introduce myself, it's been a stressful hour.”

The guitarist laughs and gives you a genuine heart warming smile. “Don't worry about it, love. No need to apologize for being too upset to ignore stupid formalities. After all, you've been dealing with an asshole, it must be difficult to think very well. And I understand, we've all been there at one point or another.”

“Well, what was yours?”

Jimmy shrugs. “I don't really remember. My coping mechanism is to just block any memory of whoever hurt me, and then just forget about it. Then again, there way I deal with heartbreak is probably not very common. I think it all has to do with personality.” He shifts so he's now completely facing you.

“For example, me. I tend to think more about the present instead of the past. So when someone hurts me, I think to myself, ‘Okay, so that happened, but it won't help dwelling on it and letting it distract me from the work and the band.’ So I do my best to not let it bother me, because focussing on my and the boy's music is what's important. It's what I live for and what keeps me going.”

You nod, pushing your drink away to keep your attention on the guitarist. “For me, I like to be more social, but it tends to weigh me down, I guess. Like, my emotions can get the better of me, as you could probably tell…. But I think part of it has to do with all the social things. I want to be as up front as possible, but I feel things a lot more than I think I should and it doesn't do me much good. I guess that also affects the whole ‘how I react to getting hurt’ thing.”

Jimmy raises his hands up slightly. “Like I said, it's all about personalities. You and I deal with emotions differently with that aspect, and since it's who you are, you can't really be upset with the way that you feel things like pain and heartbreak.”

You chuckle and smile at him. “For some reason, that makes me feel a lot better.”

Jimmy places his hand on yours and gives it a small squeeze. “And if you ever want to have more philosophical conversations about the human race or just.... Y'know, do anything to forget about Mick Jagger, you can come up to my room any time you want. I’m usually alone in there since I don’t really like humans.” There's a small shrug, smirk, and he bites his lower lip.

You know you won't pass up what he's just insinuated.

“I’ll take you up on that.”

[cozyteez]

Hii, do u have any tips for writing fics?? I’m so used to writing research reports, lab reports, and formal essays that creative writing has become something I really struggle with. I guess it’s having the freedom to write anything and not knowing how to make sure it’s not corny. I tried outlining a fic one time but it was so frustrating LOLOLOL. Anyways, I love your ateez fics. They are so cute and creative!!

hi !!!! im like rlly touched u asked me and i feel u actually that's why i started this blog; im a biomedical engineering major so as u can imagine i dont get to take much creativity with what i write because writing papers and reports and proposals are so formulaic and u gotta stick to the facts so that being said i actually tested out of all my college writing classes so all my writing knowledge is from ap english in hs lmao so take it w many grians of salt

the #1 thing i do when im feeling sort of unmotivated about a story or maybe like like dragging myself thru mud to write it is to just write the "fun" part first. to me the fun part is usually the climax or maybe the like the "wouldn't it be cute if..." moment that came to mind that inspired me to write a blurb in the first place! then usually once i sort of get the ball rolling on that my brain will help me out and keep the momentum going by thinking of maybe "oohh okay maybe this can happen next" or "oohh and what if this led up to it" or !! just stop there !! something ive learned from my mx writing blog which is like a year older than this one was that you don't owe anybody context especially for a blurb so maybe it really is just 3 sentences of a cute moment u thought of like its whatever ur the one writing it

now for longer fics im going to be honest jongho's first love is my first and only completed attempt at a multi stage coherent story. and that was fueled purely based on the fact that when i look at jongho he just gives off sort a really excited sort of innocence that i wanted to further explore and personify through the idea of him experiencing love for the first time but even then i really struggled w the last part because that's where my personal experience stopped and i had basically nothing to go off of because ive never been in love so i did have to kinda wait for ideas to come to me. for prince yunho i have posted 4 chapters but have all the way through chapter 15 drafted. and by drafted i mean it's like 3 sentences of the overall idea. again, the fic was inspired by the duality between yunho's on stage vs. off stage persona where if somebody was to watch an ateez performance for the first time they may find him very serious and maybe even intimidating but atiny would know that his off stage persona (the one he choses to create for us anyways) is very silly and happy-go-lucky and approachable, which is why prince yunho is seen as narameth's strong and stoic pride and joy but in reality he's sort of clumsy but means well. so i let that and his relationship w xenia who is an original character (OC) sort inspire stories or interactions that i force into a plot line. so for example i believe when i first started thinking abt a prince au for yunho i thought "wouldn't it be funny if the first scene started out painting him as this strong and serious man and then cut to him choking on food or something" and that sort of inspired the idea of him being nervous abt the speech and then xenia came out of that because he needed a complementary character imo since i knew he was gonna be kind of one dimensional and then his backstory with xenia inspired other ideas and then one day i was sad and wanted a hug so that inspired a piece of the plot line and so on. so basically: let an idea or even an aspect of somebody come to you and just write it down, let it inspire other ideas. and don't be afriad to completely start over. i wrote a whole chapter for prince yunho and deleted the whole thing because i hated where it was going and started back from scratch. sometimes you have to revisit things abt your characters and their relationships with others to get a new idea. there's a story in every person and every relationship you just have to find the clues

here's an example of what i mean by "write the good part first". this is typically what the very first draft of a blurb will look like for me

((( blah blah blah basically its raining and y/n is sad bc wooyoung broke her heart two weeks ago idk maybe go into it maybe not)))

y/n is all sad and feeling sorry for themselves on the couch theyre past crying but still feel pretty shitty plus it's storming and cold outside. great

there's a knock on their door ofc they have the cliche "who could that be moment" even tho they lowkey know. we literally all know

so yeah wooyoung's there soaked in rain eyes puffy y/n thinks he's been crying

-this would be the "fun part". i'll fix all that garbage up top later or maybe even change it completely idk yet-

"y/n? i - uh. hi"

he sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck while you crossed your arms over your chest, fighting the urge to close the door and walk away for good

"hi? really wooyoung? is that the best you can do?"

(((wooyoung does smth idk)))

"well i just -"

"you just what? showed up here in the rain after you broke my heart and didn't even bother to tell me why? this isn't some romance movie, asshole. you can't just come here late at night and expect to find me all sad and willing to take you back because i'm not. so say what you're gonna say so i can get back to my life"

your face was red hot and you trying very hard, probably too hard, to fight back tears. ((( idk talk some more abt y/n's emotions then what wooyoung is doing)))

"look, i made a mistake i-"

"oh my god! why did i know you were gonna do this. i just knew as soon as i saw you-"

"will you let me get a fucking word in!?"

well that was new. in the entire time you'd known him he had never raised his voice at you like that, your shock causing you to immediately close your mouth and fold your arms back into yourself (((make y/n seem more scared))) noticing your reaction, he lowered his voice back down and instictively reached for you, heartbroken at the way you jerked away from his touch

"please y/n, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to raise my voice it's just that i need to tell you that i regret what i did i regret breaking up with you so fucking much and you don't have to take me back i just need you to know how much you meant, no, mean to me. i still love you, a lot. there's not a day, an hour, a minute, or a single second that goes by that i'm not thinking of you"

"then why?"

your voice was small and wavering, your tears now dangerously close to spilling down your cheeks

"why what?"

"why did you break up with me like that, just all of a sudden"

he pushed his hands into his pockets and looked away

"because that morning i woke up before you and when i looked at you asleep next to me, i saw myself spending the rest of my life with you and it scared the shit out of me"

"why did it scare you?"

"because i just figured you didn't feel the same. i was selfish and wanted to save myself heartbreak down the line and so i told you i didn't wanna be with you anymore, but that was a mistake because it turns out i can't function with out you, i can't breathe without you i can't live without you, y/n. i shouldn't have let you go"

tears were now freely flowing down your face (((okay brain no work anymore y/n kisses him duh and then ofc they make up wooyoung prob says smth cheesy and y/n is like ur lucky i love you or smth ahaha the end)))

tl;dr -> don't be afraid to get messy. creative writing is not nearly as structured as academic/scientific writing. write whatever u want first it can even be the middle of a huge fight scene or some dialogue u think is funny. if ur stuck read what you have or maybe just take a break and let an idea come to you. a story doesnt have to come together til the very end so it can be as messy and out of order as u want until u wanna post it. also i would always use the third person omniscient point of view for a longer story like a chaptered fic as a default and only change if it would impact the plot in a negative way. this is where the narrator knows what every character is thinking/feeling and im p sure a teacher in middle school told me it was the easiest to write and follow

[truthbehindthemysteries]

What is Love to you? true love, soulmates, the one where you're meant for each other? They saw it's hard to describe but i am curious about what you think and believe it to be? Bonus : also give examples through love songs { bc i want to die of romance }

~To Me, LOVE is : ~

Love is patient bc it means you’re willing to fight for the one who holds those feelings over your hearts {s}. Love is having somebody to die for bc there is no risk that you wouldn’t put yourself through to make sure they were alive and s a f e even if they didn’t feel the same or did and wanted you okay too. Love is wanting to help them out of the darkness but willing to be their companion through out it so long as they are alone because they don’t deserve to be alone. Love is sweat , blood and tears: it’s knowing not every moment is going to be pleasant but it’s fighting everyday to keep it because what you two have is real, its true and genuine and nothing can take away how powerful and everlasting it feels. Love is refusing to ever let them go because the way you two feel about each other, seeing them with someone else? is a pain unlike anything else because it’s unthinkable. Love is them being the last thing you think of before you fall asleep and the first thing you think of when you wake up. Love is giving someone the power to break you but hoping and begging and trusting them not too , the fear and risk that you’re putting yourself out there and being vulnerable with the chance of getting broken BUT then they don’t and the utter happiness that you found your other half through the glories and madness of all of time and space regardless of where you two originate.

Love is kind and it’s sweet : its not afraid to show them off to everyone else, being so proud to have them and cherish them like they are the most precious thing in all of creation. Love is worth fighting for , its finding them worth fighting for because you think they deserve everything good: friends, family, a love, .. a hand to hold through the glories and madness of everything life has to offer. Love is fights and arguments, battles and tears : it’s not putting up with the person’s crap and calling them out on their shit but rather doing this together then being apart and losing each other. Love is overcoming the obstacles bc it makes you two stronger rather than break you two apart. Love is continuously trying to woo them even after you’re already together. Love is seeing past all their darkness ; not overlooking it but giving them chances when you see something in them they might not see in themself: something good, something so opposite then what they might act on the outside. Love is seeing them through to their core : for all their good, their pain, their happiness, their dark side. Love is there being no darkness strong enough to ever make you two let ago, to tear you two from each other’s hearts. Love is never letting go, Love is there being nothing having the strength to take away what you two have.

Love is brave, because it gives you a rush, an edge : it makes you want to stand on something of the tallest height and scream about how happy you are. Love is dancing together , not needing music at three am in the kitchen. Love is slow passionate kisses as you bask in the warmth of each other close and the love you put into the softness of the lips moving together. Love is holding hands like a perfect fit as if they were made to be. Love is laughing together and embracing the good moments as they come because they could be gone in an instant. Love is each other’s smile that feels like it lights up their whole face with a sparkle to their eyes. Love is your soul and your hearts, everything in you going : ‘Oh that’s the one for me.” Love is where you go, i go. Love is i will always find you, its you and me always. Love doesn’t judge because its you seeing not just the good sides of each other but the w o r s t. Willingness to understand and listen and be there and comfort... to be their shoulder to cry on, to offer to be their bag to let loose their anger but them refusing to let you see them like that, refusing to hurt you. Love is doing anything to make them laugh and cheer up.

Love is the passion, the fiery intensity, the heated lingering gazes. Love is the feeling of static electricity making everything feel on edge when you two are in distance of each other. Everything around feeling like a barrier but the urge to say FUCK IT and move towards them and let loose your feelings and kiss them and claim them as your own. Love is making love : wanting to worship them like they are the most precious, rare and special of treasures. Love is not being afraid to go rougher, harder, to mark your claim on the one you love and care for because they trust you. Love is while not putting up with their crap, its also defending their honor when they weren't worthy of aggressors for whatever reason. Love is when their is a worry of hurt or loss or danger of the one you love, it's running to them, no hesitation determination and anyone having to hold you back but helpless in the end as you’re all protective and badass and fierce as you’d make anyone regret hurting them. You would want to be their shining savior but also be proud of their accomplishments like “that’s my ____ “ . Love is being able to communicate with looks alone without even needing to speak. Love is all you ever wanted being right there in front of you, maybe even when you were too blind and oblivious to see it.

To some, The best kind of love is the one that starts with friends because you have that additional closeness that comes from all with friendship from a platonic aspect which makes the crossover to romance even more sweeter and intense bc its like a slow-motion realization moment with flashbacks of history together and you realize and you’re in love and its like “oh shit.” Love is regardless of dimension, reality, universe?? You and them will always find each other because you’re connected. Love is finding your other half who knows you better than yourself besides yourself and your family. Love is running hand in hand , embracing everything to come t o g e t h e r. When love is really and truly real, it always finds a way. Love is not being able to imagine them not in your life and wanting them to be apart of it. Love is even when one is reckless and stupid and the other patches them up and scolds them, there is the sexual tension and the loving worrying softness. Love is not walking away when things get tough. Maybe its something in the way they talk, move, carry themselves but the feelings they inspire makes you want them to stay because you can’t live without them. Technically you could but why would you want to and if they feel the same, why should you two have to live without each other??

Love is continously falling in love with them all over again. Love is wanting them to meet your family bc you want them apart of it , for your family to love them and see what you see in them. Love is having products of your two’s love in little ones you two would be parents of in your own chaotic but brilliantly lovely way. Love is seeing them as this person worth cherishing, seeing that they have flaws so they are not perfect, someone else they think you would wish them to be BUT THATS THE POINT, they are them, they are worth cherishing and the fact that they have flaws makes you love them more. Why would you want them to be perfect?? Love is them making you feel in a way no one else ever can or could. Love is being unashamedly, recklessly, irrevocably, head and hearts and souls and body over everything, crazily, madly, dangerously, chaotically in love and lust with someone. Perhaps you would see love as wanting to save someone, finding them worth fighting for, appealing for a better nature that they might not have but the truth is, you make them feel and they want it to STOP. They refuse to have a weakness but at the same time, losing you?? They don’t want to lose the feeling you give and they are scared to give in and give a chance and try and be vulnerable But its them trusting and there being a better outcome than they hoped and if you hurt, they hurt. If they hurt, then you hurt. 

True love, soulmates, the one for you, your other half, everything you ever wanted, your missing puzzle piece, your happiness and happy place, your anchor, your always and forever, your ‘its me and you no one else’ , your ‘i will always find you, we will always find each other.”, etc ????? Love is being each other’s light and anchor, knowing and trusting and being vulnerable, not giving up or abandoning the other. Love cherishes and it trusts, it isnt cruel or cowardly. It is brave and it is scary, it is its own adventure that some fear to tread out of fear of hurt. Love is endless respect, being proud and supportive, standing by one another’s side feeling like there is nothing that couldnt be done or accomplished together. Love is a promise that you never break. Love is endless and it is just... so much romance and cherishing and care and affection it would make your teeth rot out your head. It’s basking in happiness and feeling genuine peace. Love is the feeling of home with them. Love isn’t easy but it is always worth it because if you ever lost it, it can never be replaced. Love is thinking in an argument or fight that one is going to walk away and its going to be a brutal heartbreaking ending when instead its a denial, grabbing them and pulling them into you and working through the issues and showing your love. Love is rewriting the stars to where anything can be yours together regardless of what anyone else might think. Love is running together and running to each other. Love is comfort.  Love is the feelings between you two better than anything in your dreams , tv shows, movies because its repeatedly experienced in dreams instead of watching it happen unconscious or through a screen, its right there in front of you.

Love is being made for each other, nothing can keep you two apart because you two were meant to find each other. Its up to you two. { im starting to write lyrics, dont judge me.} Love is feeling so much for the person but afraid to show it and the now or never , you never know if you dont try feelings bc once its gone, its g o n e. Love is choosing your own destiny and choosing one together. Love is a PROMISE : its swearing to each other in love, affection, care, honesty and trust, your bodies and your hearts. Love is not needing to be anything fake or dramatic or title like with each other as you two might be different around others, its just being able to be your two, just ______ and _______ {youre names ; just two hopelessly in love, living life together }  Love is even if you two were physically seperated, nothing in your love to break it would change. A true love story never ends.

Love is always and forever. 

{I could go on in continuation about what love is additionally to me but here is this to start with ^____^ }

-A

------------------------------------------

Love songs? : 

1) My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion

{ think the scene in Titanic where Jack and Rose watch each other in slow motion as she got on the boat and decided to jump off back onto the sinking ship to go back to him ‘ the sadness of other passengers crying and escaping, saying goodbye. Her and Jack when they immediately reunited. ; Additionally its “I’ll never let go.” Its even in death, jts you two because youll find each other again. Its swearing to their promises they want you to make and you do. }

2) Brave by Tawgs Salter

3) Everything by LifeHouse

4) I Won’t Let You Go by Switchfoot

5) All I Ever Wanted by John Tyree

6) Rewrite The Stars by Zac Efron and Zendaya from The Greatest Showman

7) Crazy In Love by Sofia Karlberg {Cover}

8) Stay by Rihanna

9) Perfect, Give Me Love, Kiss Me & Thinking Out Loud ... ALL by Ed Sheeran

10) Somebody To Die For : Hurts

11) The Other Side by Ruelle

{ just a few songs to kill ya of feels ;) }

[zepdeans]

this is highkey like a month late (i mean wbk im a chronic scatterbrain procrastinator) and she’s thicccc but without further ado. my skam s4 thoughts.

I first just want to say a couple things: im not a muslim woc so my thoughts on s4 don’t hold as much value as those of a muslim, woc, or a muslim woc. I also don’t know to what degree sana’s representation was true to real life. I made an effort to look for posts from muslim woc on sana’s season but to no real avail, especially given it’s been two years since skam ended and a lot of blogs have deactivated, changed urls, or posts have become buried :( [if you know of any good posts regarding sana’s season please lmk!]. from what I can recall in 2017, there were mixed opinions on s4 with most being upset (or at least disappointed) with the ultimate execution of sana’s storyline and I agree w that. while s4 means so much to me and has a really special place in my heart, I do 100% acknowledge its flaws. ok!!!!!! lets get into it😤

ep1 -as much as I wished isak stayed in kollektivet I’m glad he and even had a rlly sweet happy time this entire season. also evak making their friends move all their furniture while they whisper romantic shit to each other and makeout? peak comedy -you fuckin wish!!! -sana is the one to say “of course you should tell noora about william”.. she Knew and still takes the fall for it :( -this opening clip is such a jarring shift into sana’s pov!! e.g. while easy to overlook in previous seasons, sana’s exclusion from the girls is glaringly obvious once we’re looking through her eyes -adding onto that! sana is the friend who notices everyone else- she’s so observant, which hurts even more when you notice her friends don’t do the same (except mayhaps chris- in my heart of hearts I know chris is also the friend who notices and goes unnoticed, but unfortunately we don’t get enough of her and sana’s relationship this season to fully see that) -yousef and the balloon squad’s entrance.... ICONIC! also I cant believe for 2 seasons they presented those dickbag nissen 97s as the be all end all of hot amazing boys when the bakka third years were RIGHT THERE like,, the penetrators vs. balloon squad + even? no contest ma’am -also! it’s so interesting that we literally had no idea sana had a brother, or that yousef etc existed until now? it’s as if she has a whole private world at home, separate from her friends and nissen (and I think a theme of this season is those two worlds merging) -im obsessed w the yousana train scene but yousef being the only one who notices sana standing off to the side? ;-; -fy faen is such a stunning clip oh my god. when sana leaves to pray? possibly my favourite skam scene ever. it’s exquisite.  -sana is so cute and awkward squeezing thru the crowd shsdhgfhshdf I LOVE her love her -the last shot on yousef and noora... oh my GOD oh my god bc like. being that friend who never ever tells your real feelings or your crushes or is vulnerable with your friends?? and then having to listen to them talk about how good your crush would be with someone else (especially one of ur friends) while ur sitting there silently dying inside? and you don’t say anything since you can’t be vulnerable with your friends and u don’t think u stand a chance anyways so. (in the words of s3 noora. I think sana struck a nerve with the emotional unavailability! abbey r u ok) -this episode is a masterpiece and did such a phenomenal job of both introducing us to sana’s perspective while also touching on a multitude of her struggles AND establishing the themes of the season. plus the cinematography, editing, soundtrack and aesthetic...... o baby. (case in point I deadass just rewatched it after writing this)

ep2 -every shot of sana praying is beautiful (and beautifully edited!!) -sana’s room is usually messy... not smart enough to fully analyze this but I’m sure it means something  -an interesting contrast of what’s expected of her vs. of elias- I can’t speak for muslim families, but I know even in non-muslim families girls are always held to suchhh a higher standard (source: I have 2 brothers rip) -”if you find immaturity charming” hilarious bc sana actually does in fact find immaturity charming  -what’s interesting is how noora comes across in sana’s POV- kinda obnoxious, kinda ignorant, seemingly perfect (compared to how noora is portrayed in eva’s season, for example) -even is one of those ppl who uses the bill gates argument on why dropping out of school makes u richer sdfhfsjskfjfsd -sana staring down the pepsi max squad. fuck em up. -vilde adding magnus to the groupchat jfkjsjfdjfsfsdkj -isak missing eskild :’) sidenote I fucking live for isak and sana’s chats this season. they’re literally my lifeblood like.... 

ep3 -the kiss me scene god I go FERAL -“you need to pull it towards you, not push it away. okay?” yall mind if i SCREAM!! YOUSEF!!!!!!!!!! -there rlly is something about seeing sana, who in everyone else’s POV comes off as cold and harsh and stoic, just absolutely meltinggg when she talks w yousef like she doesn’t stop smiling she’s so sweet!!!! ah🥰 and yousef is 100% that guy who ppl tell “your gf is so intimidating and ruthless bro” and he’s like are y’all talking about sana??????? my baby?? my fuckin cinnamon apple????? -yousef’s lil smile watching sana peel carrots. 911 it’s me again -vilde and sana’s relationship has a really interesting dynamic bc like.. vilde says ignorant shit to sana while also genuinely looking up to her. and sana is probably the harshest to vilde within the group but it’s because she actually values their friendship a lot  -IM HURT BECAUSE YOU NEVER REPLIED TO MY MEME -sana pulling 2yr old receipts off the top of her head to defend vilde. god I stan -sana doin research taking notes..... shameful she isn’t canonically a virgo (honestly her and isak both but like-) -she’s so soft and smiley w her mamma awh... “of course he likes you, who doesn’t like you?” her mamma only knows the real, gentle, beautiful loving sana oh im CRY -even is so kind and loving and thoughtful yall mind if i....... -”you can’t escape the internet girl” foreshadowing mayhaps?

ep4 -david and ulrikke together are fucking hilarious -noora’s “you’re lucky you don’t have to think about this stuff, heartbreak and that” :/ it’s not just vilde who says ignorant things to sana! -that being said sana and noora are cute asf in the exper5 scene.. dorky noora rise (omg josefine and her yogurt in the bloopers too sjhfkjdf) -I HANDLE BALLS BETTER THAN YOU -the yousana scene is sooo gorgeous whew...... -I always cry a lil bit (ok a lot) when yousef brings up even. and sana knew too. even sweetie ily :( -sana talking about her religion is beautiful. it’s so lovely to learn about how she thinks and sees the world. -yousef’s smile watching sana leave like ur kidding right....... -“flawless since 99″ is so cringey. it’s so cringeyyy -sana uses “smh” I knew we were soulmates

ep5 -eavesdropping on ur parent/brother’s argument is peak sibling culture -when ur always paranoid but ur always right..... -sana’s green jumpsuit sign me up babey -I really really really love elias and sana’s conversation -u dont even realize how tiny sana is until she’s standing next to isak and even -not finding out why yousef avoided the fight and why he kissed noora will haunt me forever (could we not have expanded more on that instead of noorhelm.......) -the parallel of sana washing isak’s blood off her hands vs. her washing her hands during maghrib in episode 1. gotta sit down. -vilde gossiping to the pepsimax girls stings SO bad it’s just such a betrayal?:( -“the other girls seem cool, especially noora! she’s so pretty!” ok much to unpack here but: sana again comparing herself to noora (who she sees as /perfect/)... sana being written off despite putting so much effort and passion into the russ bus while noora, who has done literally nothing and at best is indifferent to russ, is the one they like the most. disgusteng -love will tear us apart.. bitch..... -sana abt to cry god I can’t -if sana is anything like me (I mean I think she is but jkjjkhsdfhfsd). looking stupid is the absolute worst so like, her sending out emails abt being bus boss when she was actually being lied to? being played? and her being “paranoid” about sara being shady, but deciding hey maybe im just being crazy? except she wasn’t she was right and she Knew!! and she’s probably thinking how dumb it was for her to get her hopes up, everything always ends badly anyways and no one actually likes her :((((((( -dont rlly know what my feelings are on the fight. im not against it bc isak does have a temper but his apparent motive always seemed weak to me?? and god I feel so bad for even

ep6 -forgot about sana getting bullied in middle school yall mind if I sob?? -sana lying and getting defensive bc it’s hard to be vulnerable, or because she hates looking stupid? or both?:( -isak looking up dandelions in his textbook just bc even put one behind his ear. I HATE this man -sana’s dad asking if she had a bad day aw :( -all the boys (and sana) wearing black but yousef wearing white.... what does it mean.............. -the carrots are back goddammit -radio station playing during this scene: “if I have to choose between the just non-muslim and the unjust muslim, without any doubt I would choose the non-muslim who is just” -ISAK’S NOSE SFFJDFJFSDKJSDF -sana’s text about chris I’m going to bawl my eyes out.           “yeah! looking forward (to going to nissen) but a bit worried. don’t know               anyone else starting there.”           (J: new friends?) “yes, at least one of them. I have german with her (chris)           and she’s very cool!” -the contrast of how blunt sana came off when we’re first introduced to her vs. how she was really just excited to make a new friend bc she was scared no one would like her :( especially knowing her past with bullying and how nervous she was to start at nissen? chris baby I LOVE YOU thank u ;-; -also sana keeping 2yr old conversations on her phone... same -sana is honestly too smart and scheming and overthinking for her own good. she has these elaborate plans that more-or-less always get ruined by her being more kind than she gives herself credit for (e.g. wanting to protect vilde in s1, clearing isak’s name in s4) -everyone in skam texts back so fast smh -chris calling sana “sonic”...... a moment please -I cannot watch the sana/evak apartment scene without thinking of the bloopers and losing it lmfaoooo.. “this is where we live. just come in” -ik it’s based off fanart but there is little I hate more than their matching outfits  -“remember you’re both geniuses!” 🥺even  -once again isak studying is uhhhh me - “you’re a good person” yall i love isak i really do. he puts his foot in his mouth pretty often and doesn’t have a great brain-to-mouth filter and he can be awkward and rambly and blunt and unsure of what to say in emotional situations but also? he’s so genuine. it’s just his honest thoughts and he says it bc he cares about sana and knows she needs to hear it!! -ᶠᵃᵉⁿ ᵉᵛᵉⁿ -sana’s inner turmoil.. thank u iman for inventing acting (ik I haven’t mentioned it much yet but god iman is SUCH a phenomenal actor I owe her my life) -LETS GO BITCHES

ep7 -sana crying silently in her room breaks my fucking heart (IMAN!!!!)  -idk how I feel about the instagram plot but sana watching as her plan falls into place and then storming up to sara... pretty bada$$ -“it’s creepy it was published but it’s more creepy we have a bus boss who talks shit about everyone” THANK YOU vilde -i love s4 isak thanks -sana and jamilla’s chat aw :~) -how awkward do yall think the walk to the bench was lmfao -what sana tells isak is SO powerful and I love it a lot -isak does actually make a good point- the other girls are like that too.  -unfortunately I have been in situations isak describes, where you want to learn more about your friend’s culture or religion because you care about them and you’re genuinely interested, but you don’t know what questions are okay to ask and you don’t want to sound rude or ignorant, so you ultimately end up asking no questions at all. but I hate that the responsibility is put on sana to constantly educate people bc I cannot imagine how exhausting that must be [[[ok so. I know there are VERY mixed opinions on the bench scene but here’s my dumbass two cents. 1- I genuinely think isak was trying to make sana feel better by attempting to relate to her and pass on advice that really helped him. however, I don’t think isak realized what sana eventually told him- that her experience wearing the hijab is a lot different than isak’s experience as a gay man. do I agree with everything isak said? nooo. do I understand why he said it? yeah. 2- it was not isak’s place to tell sana norwegians aren’t racist, or not to look for racism in questions. I think there’s some truth to ppl often just being ignorant, and he does add that there are probably a lot of racist people in Norway, but yeah. not great. 3- in conclusion I think while isak shared some meaningful advice w sana, he put his foot in his mouth too and said some stupid shit. im not trying to defend that. I will add, though: a. we actually do see some growth on isak’s part. when he and even are yelled at on the street, that’s the moment it clicks for him that oh shit, this is what sana was talking about. this is what she has to experience? and that’s why he texts noora, “in the speech for sana, you have to include how insanely strong she is. I don’t think many people understand how much bullshit she has to take” and b. isak’s (bad) advice of “not looking for the racism in things” is ultimately contrasted by yousef (a moc who lived most of his life as a muslim) suggesting instead to show people what islam really is. and that’s so much more meaningful. I think the root of a lot of the issues isak brought up- i.e. ignorance- is a general lack of education, representation, or effort by non-muslim people to seek out information themselves. so sana leading by example and showing what it means to her to be muslim is so much more powerful.]]] -𝒃𝒂𝒎!  -BEST BUDS 🥺

ep8 -haper du har plass weaving in and out of this episode until the chorus finally breaks when the los losers van shows up...... miss julie 😭 -oh my god the pictures. im a fucking MESS bc they’re not only significant to the scene and to sana but also like,, as part of our goodbye to the girls?? -the balloon squad and even :( while the timeline of them reconciling within just this week is kinda wack, seeing even back with his friends looking so happy makes my heart uwu so i’ll allow it just this once -eva’s message to vilde about her and magnus being able to trust each other w/o reading their texts... growth or irony -chris is such a phenomenal friend (and this is why I wanted more of her in s4!!) -sana’s phonecall to the girls breaks my fucking heart bc like. right off the bat she’s finally being vulnerable with them?? telling them about her fears and insecurities and struggles? typing this im gonna start crying lol but god I love her so much. she’s so brave and she put all that on the line bc all she really cares about are her friends, she loves them SO much even if (she thinks) they don’t love her back -lowkey sobbed so hard during the haper du har plass clip I almost threw up and it gave me a headache :)  -anyways this is one of my favourite skam clips and god just. the moment you hear the girls calling for sana??? I LOSE it. when sana just starts BEAMING omg🤧 the girls love sana and support her and if you fuck with sana you fuck with us!!!!!! god. cannot articulate how dear to my heart this scene is. -haper du har plass feels like the end of the episode and the party clip is kinda just tacked on but I love how happy everyone is!! they’re all drinking champagne (who taught isak how to hold things) and dancing and smilingggg 💛 -yousana rise!!!!!!!!  -ok don’t get me wrong I hate william for crashing the party but their entrance slow-mo kinda slaps.... also sana popping up in between noorhelm SENDS me

ep9 -this is the point in the season where the amount of time dedicated to noorhelm is beyond beyond beyond significantly damaging to the story. this is sana’s last episode!! instead of having them makeout in front of william’s car for 20 minutes mayhaps we could’ve had a conversation between the girls and sana, or with her brother (if they had continued the elias alcoholism plotline rip), or maybe even with jamilla or her mamma? like I don’t care at ALL about noora or william. give me anything else. ple a s e -what makes skam scenes so brilliant is their quiet moments!! julie let the scene breathe. not everything needs a tacky song playing over top. -I’ve said this abt like twenty clips now but MAGHRIB. oh my GOD. an absolute masterpiece and definitely tied for my all time favourite skam clip. can’t rlly put into words how stunning it is. & I love sana and yousef’s conversation so much. -“of course I brought food! my name is yousef!” mr. acar you’re the only man I trust

ep10 -as much as my heart yearns for 10 sana episodes I think splitting up the last episode of skam into individual POV clips for different characters was brilliant and such a poignant way to say goodbye :( -okay don’t think about what sana could’ve written in her texts to everyone or ur heart will go sicko mode -I won’t write anything abt this ep since I’ve already written too much but like.. (elias should’ve gotten a clip instead of william. pchris can stay because his clip was funny but he’s on thin fuckin ice) -kjaere sana was such a beautiful way to say goodbye to skam. so yeah. bye skam. i miss you. 

overall ➔I’m not really sure why (possibly a lethal combination of my undying love for sana bakkoush, how much I relate to her, this but my ass was crying EVERY single episode of season 4...... F ➔I’m obsessed with s4′s aesthetic. imo the best editing, soundtrack and cinematography of any season!!!! julie is so talented at making each season feel distinct- to me, sana’s season is cool, vibrant colours (aka the late-night sunset aesthetic- gabie i hear u laughing shut up), crisp electronic/pop music and rap, ethereal city nights..... also sana has the best style of any skam character it had to be said ➔sana’s growth! seeing her open up and be honest and vulnerable with the girls during that phone call. sana sending all of her friends literally the sweetest messages of how much they mean to her and how much she values their relationship. sana being the (MUCH) bigger person and making amends with sara, ingrid etc. I love her so much :’((( ➔I’ve thought a lot about what I would change in season 4 and honestly? im a mf scatterbrain and have no real, structured ideas. my biggest issue is too much noora. dream s4 would be william staying in london and noora being happy on her own (but not rly on her own bc she has the girls and kollektivet!). as :/ as I am about the noora/yousef plotline, I’m not really sure what I’d do to replace the yousana conflict in ep5. maybe involving elias, or the balloon squad and even? related to that- in lieu of all the noora/noorhelm screentime, I would so much rather have a follow-up plot to elias’s drinking problem bc it was kinda just dropped? at the very least, the william clip should’ve been elias’s. I also would've killed for more one-on-one scenes with chris (even vilde or eva!), jamilla, even, members of the balloon squad... there are so many interesting stories that could’ve been explored instead of going down the noorhelm rabbithole again. furthermore, I feel like the social media plot was a bit... weak? again I’ve tried thinking of what I would’ve done instead (while also keeping the haper du har plass clip, y’all can pry that one from my cold dead hands) to little avail. what especially threw me about this plotline is that sana did this in s2 to jamilla, fucked up, and it bit her in the ass. I know that she gets irrational when angry but from a storytelling perspective, it seems repetitive. just.. I feel like there could’ve been a more powerful plot in which sana follows the same character arc. another thing I would’ve loved to see is beyond the los losers van, an apology from the girls to sana. or even just a conversation where they tell her “hey sana, we’re sorry for not paying attention and we’re sorry for being thoughtless/ignorant.” an apology from vilde about things she’s said in the past would’ve been <3. even a gesture! the girls order pizza again but this time it’s halal, or they make an effort to learn about sana’s religion and culture. I know it’s implied through the letter they write for sana, but a final standalone scene would’ve been so nice.  ➔i’ve noticed soo many remakes do this thing where they like.. water down shitty behaviour of their characters. which like- sure. I would love for everyone to be kind and thoughtful and not as horrible as they could be but also... I think that’s the point of skam? to show that people fuck up, but that doesn’t define them as a person. no one is perfect and no one can be thoughtful and considerate and kind all the time. and often these ‘problematic’ actions are integral to the story- e.g. elias saying stupid comments to isak (related to isak’s internalized homophobia and fear of coming out to his friends), the girl squad being ignorant about what sana can eat, etc. so..... your remake is not better because it erased every horrible action every character has done. (nuance.. where r u.........) ➔despite its flaws, I will say- the good moments of season 4? ineffable. I think we sometimes forget that julie literally wrote, directed, and I believe (?) assisted w editing and soundtrack too. i cant imagine doing all that under so much pressure, trying to bring so many storylines to a conclusion whilst simultaneously creating a goodbye-season to a show she put her life into the past two years. I’m so fucking appreciative of her. and you know what? all in all julie wrote some pretty damn beautiful episodes and scenes, and you can tell she loves this show just as much as we do. ➔and honestly this is maybe one reason I’m more wary of watching remake s4′s, bc like.. this season meant SO much bc it was the last season of skam. we knew it was the last season. the final episode is more or less a love letter, a goodbye to the show. whereas w some remakes (do i have to say whomst) its  like.. that love isnt there. it’s just another season. yknow? in conclusion I miss skam so much :(

ok whew if ur reading this ur a champion but also why did you just read 5k of me rambling about how much I love sana bakkoush?? 

[drnucleus]

I don’t know what to expect from IX. I’m really hoping it is endgame and they don’t just drop the romance angle, but it’s also kind of what I’m expecting? Like I don’t expect follow-through from it, even though I would love it if it happened

Hi Nonnie, 

I totally get it. I understand that completely. Do I think it’s endgame? Yes. 

However am I going into IX with any expectations? NOPE. I’m a fandom granny. No seriously I have lived through so many fandoms that I simply go in with no expectations. That way if what I think might happen if even in some small way happens then I will be super happy and overjoyed and if it doesn’t I am usually able to divorce myself from my disappointment and respect the creator’s vision.

As a writer and someone who was professionally trained to do so, I know that creators have a vision. They have an endgame in mind. And they drop breadcrumbs about it from the beginning and if you’re clever enough to see them you usually can figure out any story. 

This is why I ruin police procedurals for my mom. My dad and I made a game of it watching Law and Order as a kid growing up (and I mean OG Law and Order with Det. Lenny Briscoe). Whomever could figure out who committed the murder first won. We used to keep a running tally. My dad was really good at it, but when I got really into reading and started reading mystery novels and horror novels and other stories that rely heavily on mystery boxes I started getting better at it. We also watched Law and Order because my two actor 2nd cousins have been guest stars as defense lawyers idk how many times but that’s neither here nor there.

And tbh ESB’s twist of Vader as Luke’s father came as such a shock because IDK if even Lucas really knew he was going to do it until he did it. Luckily the story was vague enough in ANH that a throw away line about certain points of view was enough to close what could have been a crippling plot hole. 

My mom is an OG Star wars fan. Mostly bc she loves the pew pew and the lightsaber battles, and secondly because Harrison Ford is a very handsome and talented man (tbh my first crush was Han Solo and second was Indy).

My mom was there when everyone was UP IN ARMS about Leia and Luke kissing. And how that was SOOOOOO going to be endgame. Which originally Lucas had intended that Leia would be a love interest for Luke and that the twin sister would be revealed in 7, 8 and 9 someday. However during writing ROTJ and filming ESB he decided to really hone in on Leia and Han’s chemistry (granted Irving was directing then) but he made the narrative choice to make Leia the sister and Han her love interest. It simultaneously elevated Leia’s narrative importance and made her the leading lady of her own story on equal footing to her equally powerful twin brother instead of just being Luke’s sidekick love interest.

Even when I was a KID and I saw ESB it always kind of made me laugh that Leia’s response to Han goading her about liking him was to smack lips with the only other humanoid male in the room just to prove how NOT smitten she was with Han. (AND if that doesn’t make her simultaneously Padme and Anakin’s child I don’t know what will convince you otherwise).

TPM came out when was was 13 and a half which will be 20 yrs ago next May - HOLY FUCK. And I’ve been an avid reader since I could read so I had gobbled up countless numbers of books by then. I was in the theater with my parents and legit held my hand up over Ian’s eyes and gasped and tugged on my mom’s sleeve. 

“Mom that’s THE EMPEROR” and she was like “No honey he’s just a senator who’s now chancellor of the republic”

And this was still in the age of Dial-up internet and no IMDB. So I did my own digging and found our VHS copies of the OT and looked at the cast listing at the end of the movie. And saw the same name playing the Emperor as the man playing Senator-Chancellor Sheev Palpatine. Now the movies in the OT never actually say the Emperor’s real name. He’s just the shadowy, scary Emperor with lightning bolts shooting out of his hands. So like we knew in TPM that Palpy was going to become the emperor. Now say what you will about the Prequels but Lucas did do a fair bit of narrative arc planning with it than what he threw together with the OT. 

He knew we had to meet Anakin as a boy, see him as a caring and compassionate individual who is uniquely gifted in the Force. And that had circumstances been different he would have probably been the paragon force sensitive and balanced the force. However due to realistic flaws of all characters, good and bad alike, including flaws within Anakin’s character himself he falls prey to the darkside and it’s temptations and then becomes the very thing he feared.

Tbh next to TLJ, ROTS is right up there with ESB as my favorite in the saga. Sure the dialogue is wooden and clunky. Lucas is not a dialogue director. He’s a vision director. He has a scene in his mind, and he wants it played like that. Which is fine. He also came from a school of thought in the 1970s where sci-fi was pure camp and overdramatic. His style never really changed. The OT is so lauded because he didn’t direct all of them. He had other people come in and he had script doctoring and his first wife in the editing room taking his vision and turning it into a cohesive narrative. We seem to forget that Lucas was a young dude right out of film school when he made ANH. He barely knew how to string a narrative together and the early cuts of ANH were terrible and nowhere near what people saw in the theater. Don’t believe me? Google “how star wars was saved in the editing room” it’s a remarkable story about how Lucas’s first wife and principal editor basically made ANH into an actual story instead of a mish mash of ideas that it was before. The prequels had Lucas at the helm for all three. Yes by then he had gotten a hold of narratively what he wanted to convey, but he still didn’t always convey it in the most efficient ways.

But there are moments in the prequels that I’m stunned by their perfection. “This is how liberty dies? With thunderous applause.” as Padme watches in horror as the Republic becomes an empire before her eyes. It’s perfect to convey the horror she feels and her disgust at what the thing she’s fought for so long to just crumble and slip away. 

Or the entirety of the Anakin v. Obi Wan Mustafar battle. Visually STUNNING, and heartbreaking. You can feel how much neither of them want to fight the other but how they both are so entrenched in their now opposite ideologies that they know they have to fight. 

I’ve also been a fan of JJ’s for a long time. 

Sure he loves mystery boxes but he usually makes the answer SO obvious that most people ignore it. 

Like on Lost which I never actually watched save for maybe a few episodes, it’s pretty clear that something metaphysical is going on in that island with the crash. And there are clues dating back to the pilot as to what happened in the finale. 

In TFA we’re introduced to Rey. We’re given a mystery box of who is Rey and why is she important and who is her family. But we’re also given the answer. She’s no one. And that’s why she’s important. She is no one. She doesn’t need to have this huge galactic sized legacy on her shoulders to be important, to be special. SHE IS NO ONE. And that’s why the Force chose her as its vessel. 

Reason why is that she’s narratively the perfect foil for her counterpart Ben Solo/Kylo Ren. He has all that legacy and weight on his shoulders. They’re equals in power in strength, in light and darkness. They are complete equals. And TFA was all about establishing that fact. Now TLJ was all about deepening that initial connection. To get them both to scratch beneath the surface of one another, and get under one another’s skin. In doing so Ben learned that Rey just wants to belong, to be loved and have a place in the galaxy. And Rey, she learned that Ben is just as lonely, but has rejected his birthright because he felt rejected and abandoned by those who should have unconditionally loved and protected him from Snoke (which granted OT Trio tried but they def didn’t have great parenting examples either sooooo).

Now as an adult Ben is bitter, full of resentment and rage because the people he should have been able to count on fucked up royally. And I love that. I resonate with it because of my own experiences as an abuse survivor too. But even more so because it makes Han, Leia and Luke less perfect legends and more human. It makes them real and relatable that they tried to do everything right by their kiddo but ended up fucking him up.  Luke’s betrayal itself was the least shocking part of TLJ tbh. Like does no one remember him going ABSOLUTELY banana balls insane when Vader threatened Leia in ROTJ?

That kind of Skywalker level extra doesn’t just go away with age. 

And yeah Ben needed someone in the fam to be like “so kid, um, lets talk about this.” No one in the OT Trio is good at talking about their feelings. Luke tries to control his by just not dealing with it - the kind of thing you’d expect from a “pray the depression away” type. Leia ignores it and bottles that shit until it comes out as thinly veiled anger. And Han is the most ridiculous of the three with his constant hot and cold routine throughout ESB.

The ST is yes about the failures of the OT trio, the failures of the Jedi and the Sith. But it’s also a story about the force and it’s two chosen vessels. A girl from nowhere and the last scion of the Skywalker line. The fact that their connections in TLJ are coded as sexual awakenings is very indicative of where I think this is all going to go. The Force is basically the Skywalker Patriarch if we’re going on the whole immaculate conception with Shmi. And Ben fell from his path for years now thanks to the other Skywalkers falling from the path and inadvertently pushing him down the rabbit hole with Snoke, manipulating everything like a master of puppets. 

JJ himself even said he was upset that he didn’t get to direct TLJ because he loved Rian’s script so much. 

I have faith we’re going to get a hell of a finish to the 9 film Skywalker saga. With Reylo as endgame or not I think we’re going to get something truly satisfying that links all 9 movies together in a way that will have meta writers writing for years to come about all the parallels and thematic Leitmotifs within the narrative as a whole that encompasses technically 4 generations of Skywalkers (Shmi, Anakin, Luke/Leia, and Ben).

When Ben killed Han in TFA and you get that focused in shot of Adam’s face as the weight of what he just did HITS him and his eyes widen and his lips part, you see the exact moment he shatters his soul realizing that he just seriously fucked up. I leaned over to my best friend that night in the midnight showing and said “do you smell redemption arc?” and I’ve been on that train from day one. 

If he were truly irredeemable he wouldn’t have split his spirit to the bone by killing his father. He wouldn’t have cared to try to convince Rey to be her teacher in the middle of their battle. He wouldn’t care that Rey stares at him like she did that night and call him a monster. A real monster wouldn’t care at being called one. And is so very shook and pained by that moniker with his lower lip quiver and his eyes red rimmed. If he were truly irredeemable he wouldn’t have killed his master just to save the girl, he’d have just usurped power and shrugged her off instead of trying to convince her to stay with him. He wouldn’t have addressed her fear and insecurity of being nothing and no one while shaking his head and saying “but not to me”. If he were truly a monster he would have pulled the damn trigger when his had the bridge of the Raddus in his sights but couldn’t because he felt his mother’s love for him even after everything he’s done.

Has he done terrible things? YES. He definitely has. But he has the equal potential for amazing things as much as he has for the terrible things he’s done. And I for one will be happy to see him begin to even slightly embrace that potential by the end of ep 9. Reylo or no Reylo I’m sure I’m going to be happy with ep 9. There’s no way Adam and so many other brilliant actors would have signed on without at least knowing where this is all gonna go. Adam himself was hesitant to take on the burden of SW but was convinced to do so because of the complexity of Ben’s character. That to me says we’re getting something amazing in ep9. And I can’t wait.

[forwardiscalling]

Favorite production of Bare + why? And what is one thing that people do or don't do during productions that you hate? (Personally I hate it when productions make Jason seem super violent and like shoving and yelling at Peter all the time. They're eager to show that side of him but shy away from the soft tender side). And what's one thing that productions do that you love/wish they would include more?

listen my thoughts are organized -2% of the time so if u wanna read this mess go for it but I’ve only seen the LA version, the 2004 version, and the musical and i recently listened to the 1999 demo so i decided to include that too also i may or may not have finished these??? idk i get sad over bare hella easy so i have to plan when i watch these because they screw me up for a solid couple days after 

LA 2013-literally everyone has seen this one but i love peter and jasons chemistry in this one?? also i just love the jason/nadia relationship in this one bc it is clear that nadia cares about him so much. essentially i love jason in this?? i also like father in this one because of the way he holds himself. it is clear that he is rigid to his faith and he fully believes every word of the bible. pilgrams hands in this is the best?? i love the way peter confidently is able to do that!!

2004- i love how the depict peter in this one. they show peter as this kid who wants to come out, but is unsure how the reaction will be? (i can’t articulate this as well as someone else could,, it was a post comparing la peter and micheal ardan as peter I’m so sorry i can’t remember who’s) but i ABSOLUTLY love all the confessional songs in this. cross and absolution??? HEARTBREAKING confession??? BEAUTIFUL and my final thought about this one is birthday bitch, low-key love the new lines even if it is way worse

1999 demo-EPIPHANY IS SUCH A FUCKING BOP LIKE PLEASE LISTEN TO IT LIKE I SHOULD NOT BEING BOPPING THIS HARD BUT I AM. i dont love some of the more unfamiliar songs but see me? even more heartbreaking because claire tries to avoid the topic more. in warning its so sad because claire like blames herself?(problematic ik) I’m not sure how to describe it but like she truly believes that this is not best for her child and she blames herself for this. i do like the storyline that claire isn’t THAT homophobic better but that’s just me.  the are you there? is a little confusing because it is technically called cut from the same cloth and it is just matt i believe. but the stupid second thoughts??? BEAUTIFUL i love this so so so much because the last line is “so goodnight my love, yes you heard me right you were my love but ill have to let those words fall on your sleeping ears so i won’t see your honestly” and i UGLY SOBBED at that and he says “i should be the hero you want me to be” AND AHHHHH also bare???? UGLY SOBBING but real talk idk what’s going on??? like where they planning to come out??? “one stolen kiss and everyone will know” or is that referring to best kept secret??? “i really never thought it would end like this” AHHHHHHHHHHHHH also jason’s love confession followed by peter saying :i never thought you’d say it”??? BREAKING MY HEART no voice, i don’t love when they overlapped peter+matt’s parts but it is interesting how they go together. also the new verse with the whole bridge theme? AHHH SO GOOD  but if anyone is down to explain the plot of this demo to me i would be so down bc a sis is low-key confused

musical- yes i know i know its terrible but i do like some of  the new musical elements to it? for example, best friend? great,, pls don’t attack me for this but i like the are you and i and portrait of a girl? and i do like jason’s version of role of a lifetime and this point i will defend with my life. also peter is so adorable in this you cant change my mind on that one. in are you there “stupid stolen moments, this can’t all there is” IS SO AHHHHH also they changed the “one day he’ll wake up” to “one day SHE’LL” and damn. my absolute FAVORITE PART of this whole mess is in the middle of you and i when peter says that he has a bigger dick than jason i screamed the first time i saw it its fine lol also i didnt fully finish this whoopsie

things i hate/like about productions- i love it when peter+jason have these little moments in big groups (ex: in LA production in wonderland when jason offers clothes to matt and peter makes that little dont you dare!! thing) also lemme tell you, the you and i makes or breaks the production for me because i feel like if the you and i has no chemistry or pizzaz than that’s IT MAN game o v e r and also, i love it when they have confessionals on stage and when father is facing the audience and the children are facing him because this to me shows the disconnect between father and the kids. ok finally, i hear what you’re saying about jason being mean, but i actually kinda like it? but this is because i feel like it makes it more realistic? it shows what kind of emotional distress he was under and while that behavior is not okay in any sense, i feel like it would not have the same impact without it. and now the things i H A T E first one: nadia and jason not having a tight relationship/only moment is plain jane fatass. this relationship is SO important?? depict it well u cowards! also matt?? i dont love it when they DONT depict him as an uptight kinda guy. like this dude constantly has a stick up his ass and is NOT happy about it fam. we all know it 

ok thats all my thoughts and clearly i have a ton of them so ask me questions 

[timelvss]

haunting past

parings: min yoongi | reader ft. jungkook

genre: idol au / angst (kinda a lot)

warnings: heartbreak, post break up

word count: 3.4k

description: jin is getting married, you have no date and you don’t want to see your ex min yoongi

author’s note: this is one of my firsts fics that im making, it took forever to finish but i’m so glad it came out well. Also if there is any spelling mistakes please forgive me, its 12 am and im finally posting this. Thank you for reading!

ps. i wrote a sequel! you can find it here, Haunting Present .

“Jennie, for the third time, I’m not going. It’s a stupid idea,” You said into the phone as you kept on folding the warm clothes splayed out in front of you.

“I know, but hey, maybe it’s been enough time,” she said back. You could hear rustling in the background and you swore it was because it was probably was at the mall once again. “I think you need to tell yourself to move on. His career came before you, go and show him you don’t need him,”

“I haven’t even dated since two years ago Jens, I think he can see I’m still a little hurt,” you mumbled back. Setting clothes in different piles as you sighed back into the phone.

“Hey, Jungkook will be there, ask him to pretend to be your date,” Jennie said back as you finished folding the last shirt. That wasn’t a bad idea, but you still felt guilty about using Jungkook just so you wouldn’t look so lonely.

“I’ll think about it okay?” you said as you rubbed your eyes, shaking your head at the thought of asking Jungkook.

“Okay, I gotta go. Also, if you do decide to go I picked up a dress for you so let me know.” You heard Jennie say as you tried to hang up the phone. You both said your farewells and finally hung up the phone. You were terrified of showing up to Jisoo’s engagement party dateless and bumping into your ex on accident.

Walking along the same path you walked every day you found yourself noticing small things that probably did not matter to other people besides you. For example, how the cafe in the corner always around the same time made the whole street smell like fresh baked pastries, how the warm weather was slowly running away from you, and how the people always seemed to know who you were. Right before turning your heel back to your street your boyfriend, Yoongi was sitting on the bench facing you. Smiling you walked towards him, only to be greeted by a small kiss to your cheek.

“How was work?” Yoongi asked as his hand moved around your waist to keep you close to him.

“Good, but you know how Seokjin is. He was bugging Jisoo and me about the demographics around the area for the new construction plans,” leaning into Yoongi’s shoulder you let yourself rest against him. You felt him tense for a second before breathing out a sigh making you furrow your eyebrows. “How was your day?”

“Listen, I need to tell you something,” he said and suddenly you felt everything rush inside of you. Was he going to dump you? Was there someone else? A thousand questions ran through your head making you back away from his embrace. “Don’t be like that, come back,”

“Tell me everything then,” you said, fixing your bag on your shoulder.

“The company accepted me.”

After the news of Yoongi getting accepted to the company you decided to drop everything and move to Seoul, of course Yoongi wouldn't even be living with you due to the company’s regulations but you were still a lot closer. Your job took another significant jab, the only way they would relocate you was if you wanted to move departments and start over from zero. You knew Yoongi felt terrible about moving your whole life to another city because of him so you didn’t mention the loss of your position.

The city live was something you were still trying to get used to, it was a lot different than Daegu but you wanted Yoongi to be happy. Since him joining the company all the free time was his lunches where you would meet up with him at a restaurant near the studio or he would come to your place. Yoongi would explain to you what his duties were including some lyrics of some songs he was writing. The excitement radiated off him and you couldn't help but to feel happy for him to be accomplishing his dreams.

About three months in, the lunches became less frequent and you knew it wasn't because Yoongi was getting tired of you but because he was too immersed into his work. You were a bit worried about him overworking himself or missing meals due to his new lifestyle. Which is why you spent most of the morning in the kitchen trying to prepare a couple of sandwiches and snacks for him.

You walked along the busy streets towards the studio where you knew Yoongi was probably still in. You had texted him a few times but after no reply you decided to go drop the food of yourself. After about 20 minutes of walking you walking into the lobby, meeting a young girl at the front desk who gave you directions towards the studio in which Yoongi was in. You made your way through the halls until you reached a door with the sign that said, ‘Agust D’ making you smile. You knocked a few times only to be greeted by a tall slender man who gave you a questioning look.

“You are?” the mystery man questioned you as he looked at the basket in your hands and then back inside. “Wait, you must be the mystery lady Yoongi mentioned. I’m Namjoon, I’ve been working with Yoongi for the past couple of days,”

“Nice to meet you,” you said back giving the guy a nod as he moved out of the way for you to come in. You gave Namjoon a small bow and walked towards Yoongi who was sitting in front of a whole arrangement of buttons with a pair of headphones on his ears.

“I’ll leave you two alone, I’m going to try to ask Wendy out again,” Namjoon said making you smile. You nodded and turned back to your boyfriend with a smile on your lips.

“Hey Yoongs, I brought you some food and snacks,” taking off Yoongi’s headphones you said carefully.

“Oh you're here, yes thank you. You can go now I have to get back to work, wait where’s Namjoon?” Yoongi said pushing the food further away from him and then down on the floor. You felt something tug inside but you kept it down.

“Yoongi have you even eaten?” You didn't realize what had slipped past your mouth until it was too late.

“Y/N go home, I’m busy,” Yoongi said sighing again as he stood up from his chair,.

“I gave everything up for you and all I get is a ‘go home, I’m busy.’ Are you fucking serious Min Yoongi?” you groaned. A small part of you felt guilty but your rage was boiling. How dare he try to push you away after everything you had given up for him?

“I don't want to argue with you,” Yoongi said in a stern voice. His fingers pinched the bridge of his nose, you could tell he was tired. He looked like he hadn't slept in days making you feel worse than what you felt before.

“I’ve tried keeping everything down Yoongi, ever since you sent in the audition tape. I kept doing everything I thought was right just to please you but I’m so exhausted. Just say you’ll try to fix this, that you’ll fight for me,” you begged him one last time as tears built up. Your vision was turning blurry and the pang in your chest was at its worse.

“Go home.” You could only nod and look back at the man in front of you, giving him one last smile before you walked out of the studio. Your hands whipped any remaining tears away from your eyes and held your head up. Not even the Min Yoongi genius was going to see you cry.

  Pulling on the dress you still thought this was a terrible idea but Jennie was persistent that you ‘show up and show him his loss’. You couldn’t really picture it being a loss really. In the two years you left him he only managed to debut and gather a pretty massive fanbase. His album was top selling in the rankings and at award shows he always seemed to be the smiley Yoongi you knew. He was rumored to be dating some girl from a group but you decided not to pay attention.

You were finishing up the rest of your makeup when your phone gave a small ding, telling you a message came.

  [6.24 pm ] jungkook : are u almost ready bc im on my way rn

  When you finally asked Jungkook to go with you it seemed like a good idea, but now that you saw the text you felt a wave of dizziness come over. You couldn’t show up with another guy, everyone would ask you and what was your answer? No, he's just a friend. Way to go Y/N.

  [6.25 pm ] you : yes but i want to die

  You could practically hear Jungkook laughing at you, but your brain was screaming and your heart was probably dead in a ditch.

  [6.26 pm ] jungkook : don’t worry if it gets too bad well ditch and go for burgers even if seokjin hyung kills us

  Jungkooks hand was on your back as you both walked towards the entrance of the reception. Flowers and arrangements decorated small tables around the room, it was beautiful but it was obvious Seokjin picked them.

“Y/N! You actually came!” you heard Jisoo’s scream from across the room. Suddenly you were wrapped in too many arms and all you could do was smile.

“See, I told you she would show up,” Jin said against your head making you laugh as you nodded your head. “I know how hard it must be to be here, but thank you,” JIn whispered back against your head as Jisoo pulled back from you. You could only give him a tight smile and nod your head once again.

“It’s a special day for the both of you, I wanted to be here,” You said as your hand slipped around Jungkook’s arm, making you feel a bit safer than before. Jin pulled back to you at your date and raised one if his eyebrows. “It’s not what you think,”

“Woman, you know I’m more than fine with who you date but really? A kid?” Seokjin said as a laugh escaped his lips and you tried hard to contain yours.

“Excuse me, I’m not a child and I’m actually twe-”

“Seokjin,” Your head quickly turned to the voice who said those words. You gripped tighten around Jungkook’s arm and your heart felt like it was beating a million times per minute. Jungkook held his grip on you and gave you a reassuring smile, you could only nod and try to look away from where the voice was coming from.

“Oh, Yoongi, I thought you said you weren’t gonna make it,” you could hear the small amount of surprise in Seokjin’s voice.

“I wasn’t but Jisoo asked my mom, she pretty much forced me to walk out of the studio,” Yoongi chuckled and you could only feel your heart clenching. Jungkook must have sensed your discomfort because his arm slipped around your torso, helping you stand completely up and you could only pray a genuine smile was on your lips when you turned to see your ex.

Excusing ourselves, Jungkook lead the way to your table only to find Jennie with a man who you didn't know but suspected it was one of her new toys. You could feel a pair of eyes burning into the back of your head but you refused to turn around. If you did you might as well tell him you still love him.

“I can still feel his eyeballs on us,” Jungkook said beside you as he took a small sip of his water trying to sound as calm a possible.

“Well, he did have an intense stare,” you sigh as the words slip out of your mouth, bringing your hand up to rub the bridge of your nose.

“It’s okay now he thinks you got someone, I don't see how this is bad,” Jennie said as her date placed a kiss to the top of her head. You could tell she meant a lot more to him than him to her but you weren't going to spill any secrets you lowkey understood. “But, I can go tell him to fuck off if you want,”

“Let him be, it's fine, I’ll be fine.” You fingers found themselves on your temples as you leaned on to your elbows. Glancing down at your drink and then back at the people around yourself.

The music was at full blast when you least realized, people danced in the small stage and all you could do was smile at the people. Jin and Jisoo looked like they were having the time of their life which only made you wonder if that would ever come to you. Jungkook was talking to Jennie’s date while she was out dancing with a couple of her other friends. You always hated dancing but now you only wanted to slow dance with a single person.

  “C’mon, you need to start practicing,” Yoongi’s hands found themselves on your hips, tugging you closer to his body. A goofy grin spread over his lips as you laughed at his words.

“Practicing for what?”

“For our wedding.”

The both of you laughed as you wrapped your hands around his neck, slowly moving your legs to the rhythm of the song. He could only let out a groan every time you stepped on his toes making you whisper out a million ‘sorry’s and ‘forgive me’s.

  You stood up from your chair and excused yourself from your friends, walking out of the venue and towards one of the balconies. Leaning against the railing you let out a loud sigh knowing no one was around. The realization of things were heavy against your shoulders as you looked up the sky. The love you felt for Yoongi was still there and you had no idea how to get rid of it. Maybe saying yes to a date with Jungkook would be a good idea but you didn't want to leave the boy broken hearted in the process of figuring yourself out.

“Do you want to dance?” quickly turning you found the source of the voice, Min Yoongi.

“Yoongi,” you breathed out as if it was your last breath. Your heart was racing against your chest and you were so glad the man wasn’t standing closer or else he would have seen your hands start to shake.

“It doesn't have to mean anything, but seeing them dance didn't feel right because that cou-”

“Don't say it” you warned the man in front of you, as he stepped closer to you. You could see his changed features this close better than any recent picture you found yourself stalking that day.

His hair was a light blue and it was ready to turn back to blonde in the next few washes and you could only think of how that was his color when you left. His eyes looked tired, but he always looked tired even when he slept through all his alarms and got to class late. His shoulders were more broad and he no longer looked like a boy, this Yoongi that was in front of you was a man. A man that you still loved with every cell in your body.

  “Y/N,” he pleaded as his hand slowly made his way to cup your face making you stare up at him. Everything felt in place but you knew deep inside it meant nothing, because after this night things would go back to the way they were. Two separate lives, Yoongi living his dream while you tried to figure out how to push him out of your life. “Please, just one dance,”

You could only nod and him as his hand slipped down to take yours into his while the other took its place on your hip. Resting your hand on his shoulder you both moved closer to each other, your head was tucked underneath his. You could hear his breaths as you both slowly swayed back and forth. The movement felt all too familiar and you couldn’t help to feel your eyes start to water, making you turn your head to the side so it was harder for him to see you. The song played in the background making your heart ache, but that was a feeling familiar to you by now.

“You look beautiful,” Yoongi said as a smile was spread over his lips. It was a bit sad on how you could tell by not even looking at him. “I never thought I’d see you again, or that you would come at all. I just came to see if I could see you again which I’m glad I did at least. Even though you came with someone, I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I lost the biggest part of me when I pushed you away and you didn’t deserve that,”

“Things happen Yoongi,” letting out a small laugh you picked at your nails for about the hundredth time since you arrived to the venue. Or more like, since you saw Yoongi.

“I lost the one thing I promised myself I wouldn’t, you,” Yoongi said as his legs moved along with the rhythm. He was no better than you at dancing, but the time that passed his legs seemed to move more with the music you noticed. Although you couldn’t say the same for yours.

“Yoongi, you can't say that,” you said pulling back from his arms. Shaking your head and letting your hand put a safe distance between the both of you.

“You need to hear it, I’m not asking you to take me back but I want you back in my life,” you heard him say making your heart skip a beat. You brain was screaming at you and telling you to run, but your feet kept you grounded to the floor as if they had grown roots. “I know I’m not the most decent human being, but I just want you back. I was a wreck after I realized I didn't have you in my life anymore. I called everyone and asked everyone about you, but you disappeared from here and I had the album coming. I did nothing, so now I'm begging you to please let me back into your life. I need you,”

Your mind was running in circles and you could only take more steps backwards. Your hands wiped any tears that found themselves rolling down your cheeks, you couldn’t let him see you like this. He couldn't make you cry. Not again. Your gaze met his and his eyes screamed for an answer, but your mouth had nothing to say.

  “Y/N,” you turned to see Jungkook standing by the door frame, the look in his eyes was something you had never seen before. His whole mood screamed protect and you could only move towards him. You heard Yoongi make a noise behind you but you told yourself not to look back.

“Jungkook,” you whispered as you turned to look at Yoongi who was visibly sending daggers towards Jungkook.

“Are you okay?” Jungkook walked towards you and put his hands on your cheeks, wiping any remains of tears away from your eyes. You could only stare back at him, he truly cared for you and you saw that in his eyes.

“Yes, let’s go,” you told Jungkook, making him nod and take your hand in his. You turned back at Yoongi one last time before you left. Your feet moved along with Jungkook’s as you both walked out of the venue, not looking back at any of the people you both left behind.

“Y/N, no please! Don't go, please!” You heard Yoongi’s screams from behind you only making your grip on Jungkook’s hand tighter. He was saying something that you couldn't catch because your ears were buzzing. You heard Jin screaming at Yoongi and footsteps behind you as Jungkook opened the car door for you. Yoongi’s eyes found yours as you stood in front of your seat. His eyes were red and tears rolled and he looked as if he had been crying all night, but you knew it had only been minutes.

   “I’m sorry, Yoongi.”

[theoraclehealer]

Jung, mysticism and psychopomp signature.

Sept 28, 2017

chiron and carl jung

and the zodiac signs

taurus has to ascend. what does that even mean, right?

as i sat with this, i imagined somehow seeing a taurus - bull - rise up into the air and go up the heavens. I’m clueless.

so i sat with this some more and thought about the introvert, as she seems to be in need of the most help here.

there always comes a time when i have these breathing episodes and everything runs amok.

for example:

ok, how bad is this?

how bad will this be?

and then i have to sit with it and see if i reach a point where it will just stop or carry on for a bit longer. this morning’s episode was awful (i still blame the seroquel). there are many tricks that i will try - reasoning my way through it, sounds, rescue remedy, coffee, water, contemplation, whatever … but then ill even try talking to myself but out loud, pretending someone is there with me.

focus has been a BIG theme here … but now I’m realizing that its actually human connection.

so ill talk out loud and see if that works.

but this morning was difficult - it changed a lot but was also more stubborn until i started to realize just how bad this sheer terror is that i have around death.

i contemplated a couple of times whether or not i wanted to call 9/11 but that proved to be problematic for a few reasons - one namely, i was home alone and was stuck upstairs so i couldn’t really go all the way down stairs and then upstairs and then change my clothes, find my shoes, make sure the dogs were okay, etc.

but in my mind, it was clear to me that i just wanted someone around and sadly, other than my mom, EMS workers are my only shot. 

how difficult is it to heal from all of this … on my own?

narcissistic abuse … emotional deficits all over the place … sheer terror … profound rejection 

and yet no one to look to in the eye.

no one to “pull you out of it” when you need it the most. 

so it could be that the introvert would have gotten hurt at any time because in the end, she’s the traumatized one. and now in order to get taurus to ascend, i have to find her and tell her it’s okay … but ask me if i believe that it will be?

theres a chakra component here though and as i started to type this, i felt the shift in my lower chakras rise. i saw a red/pink light in the distance.

i have lost the passion for life and living. because my life was taken from me. all of it. blindsided and then burned. you wake up and its ALL gone because YOU understand the gravity of the disaster that you will now have to face, its a sense of knowing. 

the people around me are tired to me.

i was in love with something before. it wasn’t a man but it was … the air. the moon. the sun. and the stars. 

isn’t it great? she thought. 

and now the world around HER this time, not God … has grown dark. 

its take a great amount of effort to get out of the house.

because i generally don’t care.

whats in it for me?

so i drifted off to the left, to look around and think.

i realized the contemplative aspect of me has also severely suffered. another I in NFP.

but it was then that i realized who she was and we reconnected.

morissey’s - how soon is now? ran through my head.

then out of the corner of my eye, i could see my phone lighting up but it wasn’t a notification - it was red, orange and yellow - and i heard “its a bird” and by the flames that encompassed this image, i could tell it was the phoenix. i smiled.

my left arm said “i want my life back”

and was happy for about a few seconds but then stopped because … life.

the magic doesn’t uplift me anymore.

i want to be concrete for a time and see that life can be mine again. but i feel like i am owed something … from someone and yet all avenues are shut.

chiron told me i had a job to do.

isn’t that always the case?

even if i found $50,000 and i moved out … my health is still bad. the nebulizer is the bane of my existence.

i have gone through so many phases where i THINK I’m going to ween myself off of it and then there’s a kick back … of something i don’t understand … but last time, i blame the sleep study. and again, even as smart as i am and as intuitive as i am … with my history, someone should have stepped in and said “no way … lets talk this out instead because you matter”.

everything comes … after the fact.

even the help.

—————

things worth mentioning bc it gets so sticky throughout the day - i have been having upper back pain and have had to lay on the floor and hearing some pops around my neck but the pain is around c4. i suspect the seroquel relaxed things TOO much and through this nerve into a mess. laying down doesn’t help but sleeping in the chair is causing numbness and tingling in my hands again. I’m getting pain in my infraspinatus - both sides. this can be the only thing that i can think of that causes weird and sudden attacks, randomly.

the episodes take forever to resolve. and the pain at SI9 gets worse when i have these episodes ... very local and sharp pain.

something else to note, i don’t know the stages in which the healing happens ... with the vertebrae ... passions and love ... C4 ... insane heartbreak and emotional neglect and lack of emotional support.

and then things calm down, after i get so angry because of the physical damage/repair thats STILL happening ... and you realize just how  many layers you have to build UP and not work through ... to get to the emotional body ... and where intuition comes from as you’re doing acupuncture on a client and you see a blue/purple small round light appear on your left pointer finger and you hear “john lennon” is your intuitive guider of principles long forgotten like “love is all you need” because love makes you feel like you can overcome ANY of your demons. Victor said that when we were talking last year, that he felt more stable.

——

hindsight is 20-20 right?

Elizabeth Thorson told me that unless i get grounded, I’m not going to know what work I’ve done will stick.

That was …. about 8 months ago and THIS is how long its taking me … after her esteemed shamans all failed.

“love is all you need”

———————-

so at the end of the day, this has not been an uplifting journey. and i have a new definition of “enlightenment”.

but I just did a search online for remedies for herniated discs and came across st johns wort oil and elderberry.

i had been told by “myself” that i didn’t need the elderberry anymore.

funny enough, muscle pain and tension has been an issue ever since … and thats exactly what one website said it helps with. 

pisces sabotage. 

and where has the help from the other dimensions been for this?

and whats a firefly? and why was it getting in my way today?

this is all going to end up wrapping up and i have no say in anything. it has to happen and i don’t want to stay like this but there is no book or teacher that i have here on earth to reassure me that things are indeed winding down.

my entire life has been trauma. and many things happen suddenly. my death happened suddenly and has been MORE trauma.

I’m running into problems talking to some clients about things like … their grief bc instinctually, i pull from experience and can only be as “fake” honest as i can be, knowing they’re not going through what I’m going through. 

but when the extra energy and interference is gone, what work is left for me to do? how quiet will life be? will it be a rough transition? and how much longer will i be alone? my mouth keeps saying … as if being fed words from the left … but think of how fruitful your life is going to be! and i go … prove it.

——

and as i try to just sit with what i just wrote, i also sit with one of my other selves who seems to be championing me … trying to tell me that she’s going to help me take melatonin tomorrow … and if she’s not here, to take it at 9pm.

THIS alone triggers my biggest fear but i should be allowed to …. SIT.

my eyes go to the keyboard … “christine’s biggest fear is coming up! meows!”

and now i have that on my mind … unless i just keep typing. 

but is the electricity too much for me today?

FUCK.

spiritual awakening or spirit murder? this journey has been horrible. 

————

lets talk. 

so you’re all full of shit.

I’ve been astral traveling day in and day out to heal … myself.

taoist astral gods of healing. 

i can call on whomever i need in a pinch.

but i “step outside” of myself to try and gain a different perspective right?

but she sees things i cannot.

i just wish there was more information because then i would have been more willing … and just allowed it to happen with an understanding. 

theres other things going on that i am “feeling” out … and i suspect MY spirits are the ones swirling around, swiping shit away. 

i started to become more and more suspicious of “the spirits reside within” … until you derail in the most horrifying way possible and they have to step in and do the work.

“we want our girl back!!!”   - said to Petra who didn’t spend any time in exploring this with me. i dissociated but i didn’t black out. i heard the whole thing. she just watched …. and probably thought “ohhhh a case study … how freudian”

so who’s in my eyes?

I’ve already suspected a few things here … but i get the shen, liver, gall bladder and the bladder and the eyes. 

i get that the shen scatter with trauma but something is a-miss.

——

earlier today, twice at least, i thought of arielle and her death. she died in her sleep. and i had been talking to a client about this tonight and said that we all have these experiences, day in and day out and while its not easy (she was struggling with losing her friend recently), its better to allow yourself the time to process it. i had shared with her the complications of dealing with my own death and coma, along with dealing and processing arielle’s. she died in her sleep and i fear dying in my sleep … and its two-fold because i now have a coma to contend with. its hard to figure this one out as its a lot of imagery more so than words attached to a feeling … and this could be the curse of an empath.

she was so young. when she initially came through, whether it was her or not, i was feeling something different towards her than others … i was shut down a bit and well, on some level, feeling at one with her. 

“hey - hows it going - this shit is nuts right?”

“I’m sorry you’re dead, arielle.”

you’re DEAD.

[shefollowedfires]

In Defense of a Death Wish: Abby Griffin

(TW: Suicide, Depression) Listen, I was as shocked as all of you when Abby “Let’s Call It Hope” Griffin asked Marcus Kane to let her die. It came out of left field. It had JRoth’s brand of Shock Value™ written all over it. But... was it OOC? I honestly don’t think so. In fact, it’s my personal opinion that it might be the most refreshing evidence of character development (and, god forbid, an actual arc) Paige Turco has gotten to play with in far too long. Now, I gotta put a disclaimer, here - it makes me extremely uncomfortable to agree with, let alone defend the decisions this show makes for its characters, especially Abby. This season in particular was excruciating to watch as the integrity of her character was repeatedly brutalized. So, no, I’m not going to argue that I trust the writers, per se. And I’m definitely not going to argue that this was their plan all along. What I will argue is that they did, actually, piece it together with the help of a  sleeping giant they found amid the landscape of Abby’s character: Just because she can see the light doesn’t mean she doesn’t know the darkness.

She’s often billed (sometimes by the actors themselves) as “the constant”, the one who steadfastly clings to her values and therefore anchors the rest of the characters in their struggles to find their own.  But what I, personally, love most about Abby is that all of these romantic notions she preaches, such as her faith in humanity - they’re earned. They’re not flimsy declarations borne out of ignorance. They have weight because she has gone through her own struggle, dug deep into the worst of herself, and then had the courage to challenge it and pull herself back up. But my god, as a stubborn idealist myself, I can tell you - that shit is exhausting. There isn’t a whole lot to support a positive belief system in our world, let alone a world where apocalypse and the literal end of humanity are frequently the order of the day. So it’s (understandably) the rational choice to be a cynic instead - leaving people like Abby to be the minority. Being an idealist is lonely as shit, y’all - it takes an unfair degree of stamina to uphold, which I don’t doubt that Abby has. But having her ideals, her vision of the future, constantly challenged... you can’t tell me that hasn’t taken its toll. Here’s why: Abby “Hope is Everything” Griffin? She can be pretty fucking bleak.   In 1x05, after the Culling has been carried out - she’s been alone in her cell, has had time to think, and... she’s come to the conclusion that maybe the gift of another chance would be wasted on them:

Then, perhaps most strikingly, we see this come up again in 2x13; where she’s come face to face with every sin she’s ever committed and the repercussions they’ve had on the next generation. She’s gotten a taste of what her legacy might be, and she’s not sure she wants it:

The heartbreaking thing about this episode (okay, one of many) is that if they’d just stopped with hers and Marcus’ miraculous rescue, she might have taken that as a sign that her faith was well-placed after all. But, unfortunately, this is The 100, so that lasts about a hot second before...

Sigh. Whatever faith she had in the goodness of humanity is run through the damn shredder, with her being directly exposed to the extreme cruelty mankind is capable of - from both sides - for the sake of survival. Season 3 is a little kinder to her, in this respect - albeit, largely because she just... wasn’t.... used.... I’m not bitter. But! Those three months of peace did her a lot of good. Not to mention she’s had Marcus by her side to be a source of strength for her that she didn’t have before - this is so important. And not only does he support her and take care of her - he’s slowly started adopting her beliefs. She has a fellow idealist! She’s rejuvenated by this enough to be able to face the situations with both Pike and Jaha, her own people (and even her daughter, arguably) turning against her, and still be a pillar of encouragement for others. But then. She faces losing Marcus, her support. And suddenly the burden of being the one to “show them the way out of the dark” is hers alone - the weight of which she doesn’t resent for a second, but... that doesn’t make it any lighter?? And she’s been here before, but she’s been through so much more since the last time, and.... she’s starting to lose steam. So, we get this:

And like, Marcus ends up surviving, and he loves her, and all is well - but again, it’s for a hot fucking second, this time before she’s subjected to some of the worst of Jaha’s manipulations to get her to take the chip. From there, we all know the atrocities that she and everyone else were forced to do under ALIE’s control, and we know how much pain she was in when she woke up, but... I’m not going to argue that as being connected to my case here bc that’s just... yaknow... a natural response to the situation. So we’re just gonna go ahead and skip to S4 - because while yes, everyone was angsting hard, the show did make a point of showing that it might be weighing a little more heavily on Abby:

”We focus on what comes next,” Marcus says, reassuring her. And what, exactly, comes next? There is nothing more straining to an idealist than being forced to reduce their expectations. Back in S1, Abby might have had a vision of the future where humanity thrived, working together towards progress and a better world than the one they’d said goodbye to a near-century earlier. She might have nurtured prayers that love would finally win, that even the severity of life on the Ark would be a distant memory amongst the freedom to flourish that they’d find on the ground. They’d learn from their mistakes, and as early as to be within her own lifetime, she’d get to see the rise of the absolute best of humanity.   Instead, she finds herself tasked with committing imitations of some of the worst things she’s found mankind to be capable of. The things that she herself has been victim to. The things that have chipped away at her spirit - she’s now doing them to herself. So what is her vision of the future now?

Instead of a bright, brilliant, innovative future for humanity to thrive in... she just wants to be able to take her next breath. Talk about shrinking down. This is a management of expectations that everyone this season has had to do, but once again, it weighs a little bit more heavily on Abby, because "your humanity is your greatest strength” - it’s literally the most fundamental part of her character, and she’s being forced to put it aside just to get to tomorrow. All while she’s in a strange lab on a strange island miles from anything familiar, working to accomplish an impossible scientific feat to literally save all of mankind. And she has brain damage. But because of the pressure of all of the above, she doesn’t feel like she has the time or energy to deal with it; and in pushing forward, she isolates herself from those who might have been a support to her. The task at hand, ethically-ambiguous as it is, becomes the only thing that matters, above even minimal self-care like, yaknow, sleeping. Because of The Cause™. And then she starts saying shit like this:

Like..... when Clarke “I Am Become Death” Griffin is like “EASY THERE, EDGELORD”...... you know things are bad. But then, after all of her sacrifice - the all-important Cause turns out to be a loss. The serum doesn’t work. An innocent man dies horrifically. She’s been completely betrayed by her goal. And then The Cause brings death to hang low over her daughter’s life - and Abby suddenly breaks.   So, too, does her faith in the future. Her faith in humanity. Her faith in herself. What does she have left? With 4x11 comes an opportunity for her to come back to herself; if she can rescue Marcus, she can “do better than you did yesterday”. She can give a future to the innocent Grounders they’d selfishly locked out. Maybe there’s still peace to be found between all their peoples. Maybe doing the right thing is still possible. Only.... doing the right thing ends up sending 364 people to their deaths. Now, at this point, I’m gonna come back to the brain damage and just say that I absolutely think it was a huge fucking part of why she wanted to sacrifice herself. Why would she waste a spot if she’s only going to die in a few weeks anyway? Only - at the beginning of 4x12, long before Abby makes her decision, Raven tells her that death isn’t imminent, after all. There’s a cure. But Abby isn’t interested in pursuing it; still keeps Marcus in the dark about it. She sends her daughter out on a doomed mission, and her goodbye feels final. This is where we finally arrive at The Scene. If you trace back through all of the examples I’ve laid out, here, the language Abby uses suddenly makes sense: - “Is it right, Marcus?” - “The things I let myself do in that lab...” - Why “we will find our humanity again” wasn’t enough This isn’t the language of someone nobly covering up their illness - this is a very raw, very honest Abby. And the line that strikes me hardest is this:

This, to me, is the key to this shocking, “out of the blue” decision. Being Abby Griffin used to mean something; but the continual sacrifice of her humanity, her most core value, has taken its toll. She doesn’t know how to steer herself without it. She doesn’t know where she’s even headed, and if she really wants to go there. She’s fucking tired. And even if it does end up being a positive future, she has thoroughly convinced herself over the course of four seasons that she really doesn’t deserve to see it. But. There’s so much more to Abby than disillusionment - as I know you’ve quietly been arguing at me in your head while reading this post. Trust me, I hear you. Our girl is resilient as fuck. She always picks herself back up. And she’s going to do it again - but now that she’s hit rock bottom, it might take her a little while longer. And frankly, I do actually hope it’s a primary thread in her S5 arc?? I’m excited to see that journey play out as the quest to rebuild humanity gets a fresh start. Its already been suggested that S5 is going to center around a theme of whether or not humanity deserves that chance; and I would be so fucking thrilled if Abby got to be at the heart of that, from the perspective of someone who was once a believer who now needs to have her old faith restored. I’m excited to see Marcus be instrumental in that, swapping roles to take up the mantle of being the idealist in that relationship. I’m excited to see how it shapes her relationship with Clarke, who has now spent years nurturing hope for the sake of a “daughter” of her own. I’m excited to see other people support her the way she’s supported them. It’s going to be different. It’s going to be challenging. It’s going to be beautiful. We’re going to get to watch Abby Griffin come back to life.  

[bollywood-and-phoenix-feather]

*sails in* soooo if you're still taking prompts *waggles eyebrows* Can I get cutesy Maurauders + Lily shenanigans? Idek what kind of shenanigans, but preferably pre-ship mutually pining wolfstar & pre-ship banter Jily. I was gonna ask for angst but then I realized that my poor heart Can't Take It.

no angst, she says

sorry this took me forever babe

read it on ao3 here

James and Sirius are, with their usual propensity for very bad timing, having a Standoff.

Peter knows this because James has actually finished his homework on Cheering Charms, despite his continued and vociferous objections when the assignment was announced in class. This, naturally, means that James will have an excuse to be best friends with Remus and ignore Sirius; ergo, Remus will be quite obviously too happy to be included to worry overmuch about Gryffindor Tower’s resident drama queen. In sum (and here’s what Peter’s good at; not charms, but people) - in sum, this means that Peter will be stuck entertaining Sirius Arsing Black while pretending that he wouldn’t rather be literally anywhere else.

That’s the thing about the four of them; they’re really only friends sometimes, and how many friends each of them has varies based on the day and its succession of probabilities; minimum none, maximum three, with Remus, to his astonishment, holding the candle for the highest calculated mean.

Remus must be the easiest to get along with; he’s quiet and unassuming and mostly just astonished to have friends. It works, of course, for James and Sirius, who probably get off on being adored, but not Peter. Peter is content to watch.

Does that make him strange?

He wonders this, as Sirius places another card on top of the already-precarious house of Exploding Snaps Cards. As a rule, the sharper Sirius’s fragile construction’s angles, the more brassed off he is, and today the cards are nearly vertical. Peter is aware, distantly, that he’s going to win, and that this will sour Sirius’s mood further. He wonders if he can Incendio his own stack without Sirius noticing.

He probably can. Sirius isn’t a watcher, like Peter, which brings him back to the point, as he nudges his wand inside his pocket and then darts back before the cards explode spectacularly in his face. Peter doesn’t, actually, think it’s strange. Really, he sometimes thinks he’s the most Gryffindor of them all; he’s good at losing himself and being brave for others - at looking at the bigger picture, at realizing that some things are more important than his own insecurities.

This also has the consequence of making him the most valuable Marauder. James and Sirius are too flashy to be of much pranking use; Remus not daring enough - so it falls to Peter to mastermind, to use the genius that surrounds him to bring pranks to life.

This is why James and Peter are friends. Sirius and Peter are friends because Peter takes slightly less bullshit from him than James does. Remus and Peter, however -

Remus and Peter are friends because of the boggart assignment.

Remus and Peter are friends because Peter knows about Remus and the full moon, and Remus knows about Peter’s Muggle dad, and they very particularly don’t talk about it and instead tell each other the locations of their private Honeydukes stashes.

(They are also friends because when Peter, watching as always, saw the way Remus stared at Sirius like he was the star he was named for, he just offered him an Acid Pop - one pain to distract from another.)

Peter realizes with a dawning self-awareness that Sirius may not, in fact, be the most dramatic of their lot. Then again, thirteen though they may be, they are simultaneously much older with experience and much younger with the giddy freedom Hogwarts provides - all except for James, who knows what it is to grow up happy, who actually looks forward to summer hols.

(In two years, Sirius will get absolutely sloshed on nicked Firewhisky and admit to Peter, slurred and soft, that no, I wouldn’t trust myself with one of them little buggers, the whole bloody world knows I’m too much like that - that - absolute tit of a Mum I’ve got, but really Peter, one day you ‘n James 'n Remus 'n especially James are going to raise a whole host of brats, and you bet I’m gonna be there to treat them right -

Peter will carefully omit the fact that Remus once told him something very similar, in the lofty tones he gets after the moon when he’s too tired to soften his speech - I’d never wish that kind of - that fucking wolf - on a kid, Peter, I couldn’t -

Good thing you’re bent as Wagnar the Wild’s cursed dick, then, Peter will say, just to make him laugh, even though it’s not, strictly, true. Remus will smile anyway.)

Pain and love and heartbreak, which are all the same thing; prank plans and maps that melt back into their parchment - Peter keeps these close to his chest, guarding them because they belong to his friends. He’s always been their Secret-Keeper, and Merlin knows they need one, these boys with brazenness hanging around their shoulders like tattered Quidditch cloaks, who wouldn’t know subtlety if it was printed on Snape’s gray underpants.

Right now, for example, the night of October 30th, that brazenness is in full force - right now, James and Sirius are having a Standoff, and Peter holds the secret behind this too.

He’d like to think that this one is a little more painless than the others, but where Snivellus is involved, that’s never true. Slimy Snape, however, isn’t the secret this time - it’s his friend with the blazing hair and attitude and the heavy, heavy chip on her shoulder.

(Peter thinks distantly that his friends should have better taste.)

“Now that Prince James has condescended to grace us with his presence - ”

“I was helping Evans with her detention, fuck off - ”

“ - and has perhaps remembered who his real friends are - ”

“Sirius, I swear on Merlin’s saggy fucking tits - ”

“Language,” says Remus, idly. “Are we going to start or not?” Peter meets his eye, rewards him with a sympathetic eyeroll for speaking up.

“We might have an hour ago if James hadn’t run off with some - ”

“Jealousy is unbecoming,” Remus starts -

“As if you’ve ever had to deal with being jealous - ” Sirius says, immediately. Peter winces, and Remus colors, shutting his mouth audibly.

Peter chooses this moment to clear his throat. “Three cheers for Sirius, who got the mass release charm working,” he says, raising his voice, because flattery always smooths things over. The teachers think he worships the other three, but that’s not quite true; he’s just more willing to concede. Less stubborn pride, a bit more sense. “Did we decide on Dungbombs or Smokebombs?” he asks, opening the floor.

With a - thank Merlin - minimum of whinging, the annual Halloween Prank Planner’s Meeting Number Four is set back on track.

James makes a lot of hand gestures. Sirius makes a lot more hand gestures, most of which are more crude. Remus pokes at places on a map of the castle with his wand, letting it spark each time he does. Sirius yells a little, James yells quite a lot, and Remus yells not at all.

Peter watches, and decides.

It’s always worked for them, and it will this time as well. Without too much broken glass, and less ripped curtains than last year, the plans are set.

The evening of the Halloween feast is crisp and clear; they watch the artificial sky closely for rain, but Fortune has conceded to favor their audacity. It’s the first year they’ve tried anything bigger than the Gryffindor common room, and Peter can see it on their faces, alive and dancing. Remus has placed the bombs, James and Sirius have activated the delayed release charms, and Peter has headed off Crib, the aging Squib janitor.

The stage is set, Peter thinks, and he settles in to watch.

It is, in his definitely-unbiased opinion, thoroughly magnificent. Thick, magenta-orange smoke billows from the mouth of each painstakingly-charmed gargoyle, smothing teachers and students alike in vibrant powder. When everyone is coughing, wands lit to see through the haze, Sirius lights the powder with a flick of his wand, unleashing a Halloween surprise on the unsuspecting student body.

Teachers watch their teeth lengthen and bloody in horror as their faces dip with unnatural pallor; the Hufflepuff table sprouts fur in Remus’s idea of a bad joke. The Slytherin table (obviously) grows scales; Snivellus gets to turn into an eel, wet and flopping around, causing most of the table to shriek in disgust. The Gryffindor and Ravenclaw students sprout feathers, the Gryffindors puffing up towards the ceiling like balloons while the Ravenclaws see their arms growing membranous bat wings.

In the middle are the Marauders, triumphant with faces and robes alight.

As quickly as it starts, it’s over; students and teachers sink gratefully back into their own bodies, with the exception of Snivellus. With a little more work, Peter thinks, they could extend the spell to hit during classes instead of at the feast.

Professor McGonagall is furious, and good old Dumbledore orders them to his office immediately, but Peter can see McGonagall’s mouth twitching furiously, the sparkle in Dumbledore’s blue eyes. They’re safe, for now.

Sirius is hollering with fierce joy - “Bloody well worked, didn’t it, well done Lupin - ”

“It was you, you got the charm working - ”

“ - don’t you lot go forgetting who placed all those fiddly smoke bombs,” James puts in, not willing to be left out.

Peter grins as he watches them argue, because these are his friends and today, they’re kings.

*

The trip to the headmaster’s goes much as expected. Dumbledore and McGonagall take each of them aside, asking if they might possibly know the instigator’s of tonight’s antics.

Peter shakes his head, lets his eyes go wide and innocent. “It was probably one of the fourth-years,” he says. “Saw Bones and her Hufflepuff friends looking shifty this morning.”

McGonagall’s nostrils flare. “Pettigrew,” she says, not unkindly. “It will be better for both you and your friends if you tell me the truth.”

Dumbledore’s gaze pierces him, and Peter swallows down a sudden, bright gulp of fear. They’ll all get detention anyway, and he doubts anyone would see him any differently if he told - after all, everyone already knows they did it, Sirius was yelling loud enough to wake the ghosts -

Someone bangs on the office door. “Minnie,” says James, impudent. “We didn’t do it, we swear! Can we go, now?”

His friends are outside, and he’s their Secret-Keeper. Peter smiles guilelessly at the two, and says, “I am telling the truth, Professors.”

*

Peter is right. They get detention anyway and Sirius complains bitterly and Remus just smiles in resignation and rolls up his sleeves and James throws an arm around Peter’s shoulder and tells him thanks for not telling, I know you were scared, and Peter wonders suddenly if he’s not the only one who watches.

*

(It’s still the best day of their lives. The Halloween Prank is cemented as tradition almost immediately; the full moon is conveniently avoiding the Halloween weekend, which means they can plot, succeed, and drink celebratory butterbeer the night of Sirius’s birthday in peace.

McGonagall’s punishment doesn’t start until the fourth of November - Sirius says it’s because Minnie secretly cares and doesn’t want to lock him up in detention on his birthday, but James thinks it’s Dumbledore’s idea of a last hurrah. Peter thinks they’re both right.

Later, when the other two are asleep, Sirius will confide to him, hushed and young, I hope it’s like this always.)

[trouvvaille]

[[I want this here for reasons... i love this so much, and it needs to go on this blog]]

vvicissitudo hey meen hey did u see im on for nearly fivve days noww

brackishbarracuda im proud tbh

vvicissitudo yeah? i feel accomplished

brackishbarracuda how long have I wanted u to interact w ppl istf

vvicissitudo i mean i wwouldn't call this accomplished but i feel that wway

brackishbarracuda I do shut up

brackishbarracuda don't actually shut up

vvicissitudo ahaha i lovve you i aint really TALKIN to people offerin idle comments maybe

brackishbarracuda it's a start

vvicissitudo yeah yeah it is am i uh doin good

brackishbarracuda you could stand to loosen up a bit

vvicissitudo yeah true but u kno me prickly af they gotta get thru the hard shell first

brackishbarracuda it helps when you give em half a chance

brackishbarracuda they aint gotta b best buds right off the bat u can b a casual friend

vvicissitudo u really think im bein TOO prickly

brackishbarracuda i just want u to have a chance to get out more clams

vvicissitudo i like wwhere im at

vvicissitudo besides most a these guys they aint gonna be here in six perigees

brackishbarracuda casual friendship enjoy em while it lasts get a decent conversation an if they dont come back oh well

vvicissitudo i guess so hmm but half a them aint replied to me or commented on my followw

brackishbarracuda so let it go and start another one later ppl got lives

brackishbarracuda whats up w u tho

vvicissitudo listenin to music up top lookin at the wavves s gonna rain not storm i think just rain

brackishbarracuda u wanna go for a swim when it starts

vvicissitudo shore its alwwavves nice

brackishbarracuda what uh

brackishbarracuda I mean we ain't talked reely much

vvicissitudo do wwe gotta?

brackishbarracuda and I got quads commin outta my ears

vvicissitudo ahaha that u do wwhat wwould wwe talk aboat me still feelin shitty ovver the other night? cause thats a thing

brackishbarracuda we aint gotta

vvicissitudo there aint much i feel that needs t be talked aboat

besides the wwhole thing ww... that.

i feel guilty

is it my fault?? wwhat can i do for that

but uh

other than that, nah. storms an rain an wwavves are good

talkin about that spill earlier tho got me itchy ZZ3B\

brackishbarracuda ive been takin deep breaths and movin em

vvicissitudo yeah

does that help

brackishbarracuda no

vvicissitudo tried pourin spring wwater dowwn my neck

felt nice but ddn't wwork

brackishbarracuda I just been tryin naut to think aboat it sometimes they ain't wanna open and I half panic for a second also it ain't ur fault also what do you think about the bouys 38/

vvicissitudo thats terrifyin to think aboat

noww i gotta open mine up an check em

ugh

wwhat you really think so?

an uh, wwhich bouys

brackishbarracuda yeah u didnt force her hand she fucked up an she shoulda been straight w him and i tried to fuckin tell her that but no an the clowns

vvicissitudo They're good. I aint too much talkin to em yet Tho uh.

Wwhich clowwns

brackishbarracuda clams the two im datin zee and arlequin

vvicissitudo I kno that... Just wwondered

Theres a lotta clowwns U kno i nevver paid much attention to em

brackishbarracuda would u

vvicissitudo Pay attention? Noww, yeah, I'm startin to

brackishbarracuda theyre good people

brackishbarracuda an i want u to be a part a all a my life vvicissitudo

i wwant to be part of it all a it i didn't followw any clowwns before an noww that i do

its hard

vvicissitudo i keep seein the text, the wways they talk an i see you happy an i feel bitter aboat me because you're my happiness u got a full house im glad for u

brackishbarracuda nearly anyway

vvicissitudo i just hate myshellf rn its nothin that

vvicissitudo its nothin to wworry aboat itll pass

brackishbarracuda i alwaves worry aboat you

vvicissitudo i hate wwhat loz did meen i hate it i think i'd rather havve just had one heartbreak to deal wwith i didn't evven get any closure i got to kiss him once i got to hold him as he fuckin died along wwith you an wwhere does that leavve me

vvicissitudo in limbo wwaitin wwonderin wwheres my makara wwheres my red wwheres the one wwhose gonna fill that hole an then i see ur makaras an i feel terrible cause i don't

vvicissitudo want to get to knoww them because i knoww ill just get hurt an i knoww they aint mine evven if i wwant them to be part of this family an its part a wwhat i posted aint no one talked to me last night i mentioned arlequin once in his owwn post

vvicissitudo that other captor  nevver replied to me evven after i said somethin that other ampora, the wwhiny one he liked posts datin back a wwhole swweep an pike a hundred posts besides im trying, i swwear for you but i dont my heart aint in it i dont i don't knoww wwhat to do here anymoray

brackishbarracuda you keep tryin

vvicissitudo been almost a wweek a godamn record that ivve been on doin social things

brackishbarracuda an im proud a u for it

vvicissitudo i got you thats al i got its all i wwant

brackishbarracuda an im tryin my damdest to help u change it

vvicissitudo i aint wwant to be hurt no more meen

vvicissitudo prince or princess charmin is comin to me this tide i wwanna knoww ur makaras but not ovver social media i wwanna knoww em wwhen they're ovver for tea or  sleepovvers or meetin the kids or meetin me

vvicissitudo it feels useless. *i* feel useless

brackishbarracuda you dont want to know where id b without you

vvicissitudo youd be sadder

vvicissitudo probubbly givven up by now

brackishbarracuda id be dead

vvicissitudo wwhat about ur cro

brackishbarracuda what the fuck about him

vvicissitudo wwould he havve found you or wwould you havve been dead beshore then

brackishbarracuda long fuckin before then

vvicissitudo wwhat wwould havve happened i can see u runnin urself into the ground

brackishbarracuda runnin myself into the ground bitin off more than i can chew gettin pissed and sad and naut havin a good enough reason to naut do stupid shit

brackishbarracuda every single tide you patched me up every single tide youve found me when i was low every tide you talked me outta somefin or made sure i was safe i mean fuck clams you saw what i looked like w/o u for a fuckin perigee

brackishbarracuda efin if id never met you you know how closed off i was how angry id have gotten into a fight i couldnt handle burned myself from the inside out

brackishbarracuda itd a been the oil clams

brackishbarracuda efin if naut literally cept thered b nobody to clean me up to carry me home to show me what the fuck home /was/

brackishbarracuda i wouldnt a had the kids oar you oar vis

brackishbarracuda you are fuckin necessary

vvicissitudo u wwouldn't havve evven had loz wwould u i i just realized that it wwas cause a me you met

vvicissitudo wwasn't it the first big thing wwas wwhen tavv tried to "help" me

brackishbarracuda i woulda had rez and fangs and they woulda left me and thats it

vvicissitudo yeah. wwhat about noww

brackishbarracuda i aint efin shore i woulda had sally

vvicissitudo pike are you happy noww

brackishbarracuda all i know is i aint happy w/o u

vvicissitudo awwww

brackishbarracuda youve literally saved my life so many dam tides mine and sallys and the wrigs does that sound useless to you

vvicissitudo you an the wwrigs are the only ones wwho seem to appreciate me yes, you're the only ones wwho count really an truly u remember wwhen u took me to that play

brackishbarracuda yeah

vvicissitudo an they stood in a roww an thanked us personally for comin i wwant that i wwant it all the tide i wwant people appreciatin me i tell people im wworkin on somethin to make helmsmens livves after the helm better i get "its impossible"

brackishbarracuda that aint a good example clams u kno how hard it is to accept good shit when it aint in your hand

vvicissitudo i tell people im a docterror an a chemical engineer an i get "so wwhat else do you do" i tell people im a reader a wwriter

vvicissitudo a pacifist an i get blank stares an topic changes i get fivve note threads on this hellsite an then nothin thats howw it alwavves goes

brackishbarracuda did u think for a minute that maybe ur just ten levels above everybody else an they aint kno how to talk aboat that shit

vvicissitudo i mention my name an people are pike "who" an i gotta say "eridan" before they realize an then they assume wwrongly a me i aint wwanna be smart if it means no one wwants to talk to me

brackishbarracuda ur doin good shit clams bc ur smart

brackishbarracuda bc a whats happened to u and who you are

vvicissitudo am i a good person

brackishbarracuda betta than me by a long shot

vvicissitudo wwhy i dont wwant to be better than u i wwant to be ur equal

brackishbarracuda then get me to where u are and dont u dare lower urself for anybody

vvicissitudo > You're stunned into silence for a bit.

brackishbarracuda i aint the best person in the world i aint that smart

brackishbarracuda im shit at p much anyfin that aint kissin somebody oar fightin em you aint

vvicissitudo or makin someone feel good aboat themselvves u do a damn good job of that

brackishbarracuda shut up for a second that aint the point

vvicissitudo im cryin AND laughin ill havve u knoww

brackishbarracuda good 3B* point is you deserve a crown more than i ever have

vvicissitudo wwhhat

brackishbarracuda you can patch ppl up and help people w real cod dam problems w real applications you kno history and all that shit you read you write you study ur in ur lab u work hard too hard but u aint a useless bump a log

vvicissitudo but you aint wwanna rule

brackishbarracuda do i look like i could manage anyfin close to rullin rn by myself

vvicissitudo that aint the point u don't WWANNA rule

vvicissitudo period do you??

brackishbarracuda why do you think i asked dirk to let me do political shit

vvicissitudo but wwas that because u foresaww this convversation or because you wwant to

brackishbarracuda its pike i told him im tired a runnin

vvicissitudo yeah?

brackishbarracuda yeah

brackishbarracuda idk wtf good is gonna come outta it but

vvicissitudo i can name good

vvicissitudo u bein by my side me being by ur side are you sure u wwanna do this last chance to back out u knoww

brackishbarracuda i aint got nofin to rule clams its kinda far from a last chance but yeah

vvicissitudo alright then

vvicissitudo so uh wwhat rule wwhat the wwhole planet?? this uh provvince, this continent, this bit of planet wwe call home i mean theres things wwe gotta think of

brackishbarracuda hb we just start w the bit were on yeah

vvicissitudo so wwe need to get scoutin parties together to see HOWW big it is an if anyone else livves on it an if anyone else livves on it then we gotta dispute

vvicissitudo buy their land rom em in exchange for goods or services a emperor aint bein servved hes servvin others pike wwe provvide food or electricity an they trade us

brackishbarracuda clams calm down

vvicissitudo ideally rn wwe feed their family/take care a their land in exchange for their servvices in helpin us scout out- wwhat oh

brackishbarracuda do u kno how many tides i had to retype clams calm bc lemme tell u

vvicissitudo uh oops

brackishbarracuda too much at once aight lets just

brackishbarracuda keep our shit to ourselves baby steps yeah

vvicissitudo babysteps yeah ideally this thing wwe livve on is only an island otherwwise wwe got barriers to wworry about pike cae said

brackishbarracuda either plan on defendin what u got or be ready to run right i aint runnin

vvicissitudo i lovve u <>

vvicissitudo u an ur beautiful soul

brackishbarracuda i love you too

brackishbarracuda <> <><><><><><><><><><><> aight im done im good thats outta my system

vvicissitudo thank you for listenin

brackishbarracuda you aint quaded to me for my looks 3B*

vvicissitudo damn right im quadded to u because of u