#bc people using his deadname really does bother him

[poor-boy-orpheus]

.

[sadlittleratboy]

I once said Tomura vaguely had she/they vibes to me on tiktok, back when I had one, and people ate me alive bc I listed his hair as a reason (and also bc I continued forward with using he/him pronouns throughout the video and I'm like...but that's the canon and I'm talking about something theoretical that I don't necessarily have a hard hc of, they/them Dabi is a different story lol) and people were like "thinking femininity is tied to long hair is transphobic and misogynist and blah blah" and it's like no you completely missed my point.

Firstly, I know that, because back when I was a girl and embracing my femininity in ways that I won't now that I identify as more masculine, I had short hair. I always had short hair. Androgynous girls with short hair lead me to the conclusion of being nonbinary.

Secondly it's not about the hair length, it's about the hair STYLE. Every transfem I've ever met started with that style or similar when it grew out. It's cute, it's fun, they're playing with long hair for the first time or even just in a new context.

It's also just about the general vibe. I listed elegance as a reason too, just the way he moves, but nobody considered how he's also so NOT elegant sometimes. It's the type of elegance he has, because there are so many different types. It's also int he way his so expressive. He shows so much on his face, which men tend to do in manga but it just feels different with Shigaraki. Again, I'm going on vibes.

Also being a nonbinary girl suits him because he'd be a total girlfailure, a loser girl, and I love that. Every transfem I knew was also a massive nerd. Most importantly I don't see him performing femininity in a traditional way. He is performing femininity by identifying as feminine and performing. He wouldn't change how he dresses or talks, he would simply realize that his identity isn't quite what he thought and run with it, because that's the kind of person he is. All those masculine codes brash actions like putting his feet up on overhaul's table to show dominance, and using ore, none of those things NEED to change because gender is so complex and that's FUN.

Again. This is mostly off vibes. I know a lot of people that think it/it's or other neopronouns suit him, and I can see that, especially with the way he dehumanizes himself (and with his stinky rat behavior, something a lot of nonbinary people, myself included, identify with), but that element actually makes me personally stray from that hc. Shigaraki dehumanizes himself in a negative way, and I think that's not good for him. Of course an argument can be made for that being the call all trans people have to be vaguely inhuman and monstrous in ways that only we really understand, so I don't think it's a bad hc at all.

I mean honestly he reads trans masc just as much. A lot of the league reads kind of trans because we tend to see ourselves in weird little outcasts. It's just a vibe a get from him. A lot of the she/theys I've met just also kind of have this "fuck gender and expectations, I'm doing my own thing over here".

Also there is of course the constant of Shigaraki chosing how he identifies himself and defying the expectations other people have placed on those identities. He's Shigaraki because he is, not because of AFO. That's his villain name because he connects to it. Despite all that he constantly gets deadnamed too. It's just...the vibes, the ability for anyone to read into anything what they want because their own experiences and it will fit because fiction is flexible (and even when it doesn't, does it matter?).

Anyway, his vibes, his masculine features and mannerisms along with the feminine ones and the feeling of being feminine even without having to conform to it (much like Magne did, and lots of people read her design as transphobic but tiger was literally there performing as a full transitioned man still comfortable with his feminine side, and it's like...all the trans women I know don't bother to shave and wear masculine clothes either occasionally or always even after starting hrt). It's finding a home within yourself as you slot the missing pieces into place and realize you find joy in different pronouns because they better describe you. Every trans person has their own wild ass journey and uses different ways to describe themselves with different things that bother them or don't and I think trans hc are fun for that very reason.

[svturn-exe]

some more a0 stuff bc his unfortunate alley cat swag has captivated me

as a young kid, cero had no way of knowing that his experiences are not universal. he crawled out of a small wooden box from under 6ft of dirt and that's all he knows. but once someone finds him and he gets put through schooling, a0 very quickly discovers that's not the norm at all

and ofc being a kid who wants answers for the things he doesn't understand, cero talks about it. because finally he has the words to describe his experiences and some frame of reference to begin to question them

when he's a little kid, it's just a vivid imagination and the adults around him who are supposed to have answers for stuff either find it endearing or tell him off for being too morbid. either way, he doesn't get any answers from anybody

when he's 15 and only a few years from aging out of the foster system, suddenly it isn't cute or quirky anymore. at best, cero gets shoved at psychologists because what he said was Weird but no one will tell him why it's weird and seem a lot more focused on telling him how it Didn't happen and he Didn't spend years of his childhood buried alive. the other option is he gets treated like dirt for 'making shit up for attention' (he really isn't) or just told to shut up and ignored. the foster parents who are in it for the money don't have time to waste on the Crazy Kid

a0's pretty independent, but that doesn't mean he isn't bothered by the experience of being Othered. he already Knows something is severely wrong w him he doesn't need to have it rubbed in. so he learns to stop talking about it, bc there is a disconnect from his peers there that he just can't bridge no matter what he does. bc either they don't understand, or outright refuse to even try and write him off as a nutjob

so now you've got a young adult on his own with more trauma than he knows what to do with, and there's no way in hell he's going to go see a therapist about it. so he just bottles everything up and becomes really irritable and Hates it when people won't listen to him. which is a big contributing factor to how he decides to use his soul-snatching ability once he discovers he has it. what better way to convince someone you hear your out than to literally rip them out of their own body and Make Them

some other stuff:

🖤a0 was given a "normal" name when he was found after clawing his way out of the dirt, but he doesn't identify with it. it is, effectively, a deadname. he chooses to go like a0/absolute zero/zero/cero instead

🖤cero is cis on a technicality. he doesn't feel very strongly about his gender identity bc he doesn't really care about it that much, and only goes by he/him because that's what other people call him. if a0 cared enough to sit down an introspect about it, he would probably be agender.

🖤zero is demiromantic and demisexual. it takes a long time for him to get close enough to someone to even consider them a friend, nevermind a romantic or sexual partner

[ectoamerican]

𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐈𝐓𝐎𝐔𝐒𝐋𝐘 𝐃𝐄𝐓𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐃 𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄𝐒.

Muse full name. Daniel "Danny" Thomas Fenton.

(readmore, because it's long)

least favorite nickname. while Danny doesn't particularly like the insulting nicknames Dash and his friends give him-- his deadname would actually be his least favorite name you could call him by. Which is actually, Danica. Not Danielle. least favorite season. winter. specifically because of Christmas holidays. It has put him off of the season in it's entirety. He can not enjoy any winter activities because they remind him of the holiday. least favorite ––– hot or cold? actually hot. at least to extremes, like heatwaves. He can't feel cold anymore. So he's more sensitive to the heat. Although, if he remembered to, he could counter the heat with more cold easily. (which again, requires that he remember to.) least favorite holiday. Christmas. this is the only holiday that his parents consistently argue during. And they get so caught up in their argument, they even neglect their children during this time. Danny has never had a good winter holiday and he will always be irritable and sour when it draws near. least favorite food. foods with faces that you can see. even worse if they can see you too. in other words, his parent's cooking. (which ends up reanimated on your plate bc the Fenton's use their ghost hunting tech to upgrade their appliances with.)

least favorite flavor. bitter. it can be good paired with other flavors, but not usually on it's own. although, Danny doesn't actually mind eating or drinking bitter foods and drinks. he just likes other flavors more. least favorite drink. if he ever had any? probably alcoholic drinks that don't include sweet flavors.

least favorite scent. besides the obvious bad scents that most people hate? probably cinnamon scents that are too heavy? the hint of cinnamon is good, but it can be overwhelming too. least favorite sound. his alarm. he hears it far too quickly after laying down, in most cases. least favorite tv shows. anything dramatic or "fake" like reality shows. he prefers watching other things too much to give it the time of day. least favorite area of school. all of it? He's not having the best time in general at school. least favorite aspect of their job. I wouldn't say ghost hunting is his job. he certainly isn't paid for it. he does typical odd jobs which are usually pretty good. like mowing neighbors' lawns or washing cars. when he has actual part-time jobs, it's mostly the fact that he has to face the fact that he will eventually be fired for either being late or a ghost attack he had no control over. least favorite trait in others. malicious deception. It's one thing to try to hide something that would keep others safe to not know. another thing entirely to hide aspects of yourself to manipulate others. least favorite place. school. least favorite thing to talk about. things that are bothering him. he keeps that sort of stuff to himself. really only talks to his sister about those things if she tries hard enough to get him to. but, you can only bottle so much stuff up before it starts to spill over. he's not immune to having a breakdown if things get too bad. least favorite thing about themselves. themselves. 8') least favorite daily chore. all of them. mainly because his house's appliances and cleaning supplies can hurt him specifically. least favorite type of clothing. dresses and skirts. simply because he personally views them as a feminine thing on himself. least favorite thing about falling in love. the fact that it never works out for him. every crush he's had on someone has been either rejected or gone wrong or been on someone who he can't be with. least favorite thing about death. how much it hurt him. physically and emotionally and mentally and socially. there is no aspect in which his death did not screw him over. ---------------------------- 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐆𝐄𝐃 𝐁𝐘. @psychxpxthic (ty <3) 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐆𝐈𝐍𝐆. @lcngdays @seafit @masquenoire @universestreasures @rxtroskull @batinstincts and anyone else!

[roboromantic]

speaking of religious stuff time 2 talk about the wedding

so ok I knew my dad’s fiancee is a member of the United Methodist Church and that he’s joined them. and I think I wrote something before about how painful it was to see my dad just casually dismiss the extreme fundamentalism HE RAISED US IN. like I’m sure he’s been going through his own process of unlearning stuff and figuring out his own religious journey

but also. felicia was kinda The driving force behind our fundamentalist upbringing and after the divorce he more or less backslid and eventually stopped going to church. partly bc they got rid of the preacher and the whole church started going in a direction he wasn’t fond of but my point is that if religion was THAT important to him, he almost certainly could’ve found somewhere else to go long before he met his fiancee

so it feels like a red flag to me that he started getting more religious once he started dating her. it SHOULDN’T, I mean obviously people change to accommodate their loved ones and I highly doubt his wife was like, pressuring him into joining bc she’s infinitely more chill than felicia

but basically all this to say that I knew the wedding was gonna be at their church but it was really surprising to me just how Christian it was? my dad’s been a bit more outwardly Christian but neither he nor his wife have really made a big deal out of it so when their vows genuinely sounded like those memes about having Jesus as a third it was really shocking to me

and I think part of it is definitely due to me being raised CoC, I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that people can be devout casual Christians, if that makes sense.   I guess it’s almost kinda the opposite of what that post was saying - practicing Christianity WAS very much a cultural thing that permeated every aspect of my life growing up, so the idea that one can be Christian without actually seeming (to me, anyway) to do anything Christian outside of maybe holidays & life events Does Not Compute.         It’s something I’m still trying to unlearn.

anyway the stuff by the pastor was a bit uncomfortable but more or less what I was expecting so it didn’t really bother me

(btw I keep referring to her as my dad’s wife bc I mean, technically yeah she’s my step-mom and she’s a very nice woman and I have nothing against her, but she’s not exactly going to be occupying a “motherly” role in my life. also it just feels Weird)

at the reception her family invited us to visit the church some time and asked us if we had a “home church” or st and me (Jewish) and my brothers (pagan and atheist(?)) just kinda looked at each other and were like “not at the moment”

idk how exactly one’s supposed to handle that but I don’t think it’ll come up too often since I doubt I’m going to be interacting with any of her family members besides her mom (whom I’ve met a few times already and has Also not been pushy about religion) and maybe her sister.

as the groom’s kids we had a few guests come up and mingle and among them was a couple from a church we used to go to; my dad’s stayed in touch with them for a while bc the husband’s also into music stuff but it was Mildly Terrifying to realize I haven’t seen these people in over a decade and they could deadname me at any second or make a big deal about my transition.  luckily neither of those things happened (that I know of anyway) but. hhhh.

last thing isn’t actually super related to religion but my dad met his wife through this German band they’re both in, so ofc the other members played at the reception in full gear and invited us to do various dances   and it really caught me off guard when they were like “okay this time we’re going to Schunklen” (or something to that effect.) At the time it sounded like they said “shuckling” and I was like.   huh.   obviously Yiddish and German are related and it didn’t take long to realize that they almost certainly come from the same kinda root word that meant st like “swaying” but boy did it throw me for a loop

[gaypirate420]

If you remember this then u know that i Headcanon the sea three as trans so i decided to make a hole Headcanon post about it

Sea three trans headcanons.

Uma (she/her)

💙 She is a sea creature right? So I always imagine that she could change her aparience when she was little, like she was born with a male body but when she learned how to change from octopus to human she realizes that se can give herself a more femmenine body.

💙 I have always interpreted the fact that Mal calls her shrimpy like the way people deadname trans folks, Uma repeats and repeats her name, but Mal just won't use it.

💙 Harry was the first person to call her Uma.

💙 Gil whatsoever was the first trans person she ever saw, and it made her so happy to know that she isn't alone.

💙 Her mother truly didn't care, as long as she works then Ursula doesn't care what's going on in Uma's life.

💙 I think that the crew is mostly LGBT pirates, and even kids want to be on the crew because is like a safe space for them.

Gil (he/him)

💛Have you realize that Gaston named his two first childs after him but not the last one?????, You see where am I coming from.

💛 I always headcanon that Gil lived with his mother first, like before he was 7-8 he used to live with his mother but then her and Gaston got back together, so Gaston said mistakingly said that Gil is a boy the first time he saw him, and he said "well I am a boy :)", Gaston is dumb so he believe it and his mother is like :0 what how?, She decides to talk with Gil in private about it.

💛 Gaston tries to make him a manly man like him, but Gil isn't that type of dude, resulting in Gaston calling him a girl and all that, he gets really disphoric.

💛 He is a tall and strong boi, he started to work out when he realized that puberty was hitting on him hard, like his body got curvier and his boobs got bigger and he obviously got disphoric af so he work out to reduce his chest at least.

(I don't think the isle has like first, very functional hospitals and by that I don't think it has hormones for trans people.)

💛 it has been stablish by the books that Gil know how to sew and all that, so I think he would make his own binder.

💛 he is not bothered by using femmenine clothes.

Harry (he/him)

❤️ I have a long long post about Harry so go check it out.

❤️ He is the last one of the group to find out about his identity.

❤️ Gil and Uma are very supportive and all happiness.

❤️ As I've said before Captain Hook didn't realize that Harry was trans bc he is always drunk, but in his more sober moments he seem to remember Harry's identity so he does his best to express to Harry that he supports him.

Captain Hook may be a lot of things but transphobic ain't one of them.

❤️ Harry loves to wear make up and skirts, dresses and all that, he doesn't feel less of a man.

As is say, I have a hole post dedicated to Harry so that's why his part is so short.

[earthbinder-a]

i’m gonna yell about the thrall panel under the cut because i NEED to get this out of my system in a constructive way. im tagging it for spoilers but i’m not deleting it with the rest of my blizzcon blogging bc i feel that it’s important.

so it was terrible. christie golden and two dudes i dont even know the names of just ... butchered thrall for an hour. bragging about how proud they were to have been on this journey with him for 14+ years only to give the saddest synopsis of thrall and his story i’ve ever seen.

first of all, they severely butchered the relationship between thrall and garrosh. they claimed garrosh was thrall’s closest friend - FALSE. i can’t even BEGIN to tell you how wrong that is. it’s a disrespect to thrall AND the people who are actually deserving of that title. i maintain that thrall’s closest friend was jaina, followed very closely by vol’jin. jaina worked with him for years to maintain peace between factions and they were incredibly close, not only as political allies but as friends. whether you ship thraina or not you can’t look me in my angry little eyeballs and tell me that they did not care DEEPLY for one another, and even after everything they’ve been through as of shadowlands, they STILL. CARE. ABOUT. EACH OTHER. they even said in the panel, verbatim, that thrall and jaina’s fates are intertwined! you’re just gonna gloss over that? seriously? they COMPLETELY glossed over theramore and the ensuing fallout with thrall and jaina, to boot. they had the nerve to call jaina an ‘echo of taretha’ as well even though thrall has canonically stated that even though jaina VERY BRIEFLY reminded him of tari, he soon realized they were VERY different people. it just feels so disrespectful to them both, to ignore their importance and significance to each other like this.

the same goes for vol’jin. and i don’t think it was very slick to almost deliberately ignore jaina for most of the panel and SHOW THE CINEMATC WHERE VOL’JIN FUCKING DIES AND NOT EVEN BOTHER TO SAY HIS NAME. garrosh was not even close to being that important to thrall and the fact that they tried to sell it this way makes me sick.

secondly, the casual laughing about aggra deadnaming thrall and refusing to call him HIS NAME. like it was a Funny Quirk of hers or something. like it was cute that she told him his name was dirty and refused to call him anything other than the name that his dead parents gave him that he Didn’t Want To Be Called. and then to act like she’s the perfect wife ... and immediately after, make a joke about thraina! because that’s so absurd, right? no chemistry or anything, right? i’ve rambled about this a bunch and you all know the deal, but this made me obscenely angry. 

thirdly, the fact that they talked about garrosh as much as they did. i didn’t tune into this to listen to them cry about poor garrosh! this panel was supposed to be about the evolution of THRALL! and it wasn’t even like they were talking about garrosh in a way that was objectively good; all they did was woobify him. they literally compared him to a SCARED CHILD during his mak’gora with thrall. he wasn’t a fucking child. he was a grown adult man older than thrall by ten years, give or take, who had committed SEVERAL WAR CRIMES and evaded the factions’ attempt to give him a fair trial. he was not a child. 

i just ... feel pretty defeated about this. i knew it was gonna be shaky, but i didnt think it would be THIS bad. i’ve cried about it, i’m getting over it, but i’m just really bummed out that they gave us this abomination as if it does thrall any justice at all.

[therubyjailcell]

Name shenanigans

So... I need to ramble for a bit, about names and stuffs. You don’t have to read. It’s just a long ass post about me and how I wanna be called lol.

My birthname starts with a V. My parents, my family, they refuse to call me by anything else than my birthname, and they don’t use the correct pronouns. At first, I was okay with it. Then, slowly, oh so slowly, my birthname (I won’t call it deadname. It’s not a deadname, it’s a really pretty name, and I love it. It doesn’t suit me is all.), well, it started making me feel weird. Bad weird. I started not feeling comfortable with my birthname and the pronouns my family used. And when I mentionned it, my parents said “But you’re our daughter for 18 years now. We can’t change the way we talk now.”. It hurt. A lot. I started asking people not to use my birthname anymore at all and use male pronouns in french (I dislike the neutral ones, they sound weird to me, they’re a combination of male and female pronouns), even in front of my parents. My friends agreed.

Now, let’s be clear: I’m genderfluid. I’m non-binary genderfluid, I change gender depending on a fuckton of factors and variables. I’m proud of who I am. The reason I use male pronouns in french (and a few other languages), is basically a choice of aesthetic and sounds.

I’ve watched the videos from Thomas Sanders for a while now. Sometimes I stop and then I catch up, but the point is, I was watching them before the Anxiety character appeared in the Sanders Sides vids. And as soon as he appeared, I could relate to him a lot. If you ask me, I’ll say I’m a fusion between Logic and Anxiety (and I’m not using their names for a reason btw, just you wait). But Anxiety is really close to who I am, me who has so much anxiety issues that I spent a year locked up in my room, barely going out, and who has at least 1 panic attack every week. I loved the character right away, even when he was often depicted as a bad character. Because it was me. And then, Thomas revealed his name, his actual name. Virgil.

Now, let’s look back at my birthname, shall we? It’s an Eastern-European name, doesn’t really exist in my country (apart from the North-East that belonged to the germans at some point, hm), it’s really common in my other country (I’m half french, half german), and it’s a common name in my grandpa’s home country (Hungary). It’s pretty uncommon to hear it, when you can pronounce it properly, you can’t write it properly, and when you can write it properly, you can’t pronounce it properly. It starts with a V, and it is actually close to Virgil, to me.

I immediately became confused. I didn’t know how to feel about the name. It was pretty, sure, but... Did I like it? It reminded me of my birthname. And I was at a moment of my life where I hated my birthname because my parents wouldn’t let me be myself. So. Virgil. I didn’t know how to feel at that point.

Cue to a year or so? After? (Just checked, and yep, around a year after) At the beginning of this school year, new school, new city, new people. A friend of mine (@/morporkianhobbit) gets into the Sanders Sides vids, and talk about it a lot. I watch them all all over again, to remind myself of the details, because my friend tends to ask a bunch of questions about very specific stuffs, and I want to be able to help her understand what she might’ve missed. I met her as I arrived on my first day, we spend hella lot of time together, she’s super supportive, and honestly, going back to an old fandom to have more discussion subject with her is one hell of a good idea. My old rp group gets sort of back together, 3 of the other 5 people who were there before agree to rp with me again. This time I rp a side as well. I look at more famders blogs, meeting new people in the fandom. I stumble into @/sugarglider9603 (I’m not tagging anyone bc I don’t wanna bother people tbh), and I fall in love with her Mario AU. After a while, she and @/galaxy-lilies make the Spiderverse Sides AU. I love it, and I love the Into The Spiderverse movie. I created a bunch of AU the past few months. I enter the Spiderverse discord.

Now, about my name, in the meantime, I’ve learned a bit. I don’t hate my birthname anymore. My family still isn’t supportive of my gender (and my parents still aren’t convinced the ace spectrum exist, but at least I can date whoever I want, as they don’t care wether I like a gender or another, and my own mother tells me she’s pansexual). But my birthname is pretty, I don’t live with my parents most of the time, and I’m meeting new people, people who respect my pronouns and name. As for Anxiety’s actual name, I like it. Virgil is a pretty name, an amazing name, and it doesn’t sound that close to my birthname anymore. It isn’t painful to hear it anymore. I made peace with both this name and my birthname.

On the discord server, we start rpying. I call on Virgil, so I get to rp as him. I cannot remember anyone’s names, to be honest, unless the person repeats it to me several times, and I’m always convinced imma mess up, hence why I give people nicknames. Our Patton starts calling us by the name of the character we rp. I join her in on that. They all call me V or Virge. And I’m okay with it.

I actually like it. I feel like it fits, even.

I talk about it to my best friend (@/hecking-garbage). They say it’s because V refers to “Virgil” and not to my birthname anymore. It does, but that doesn’t explain why I feel like it fits. I ask another of my friend (@/angels-and-dreams), who says (and I quote there) “Maybe you can just call yourself V, with a spelling like Vea or Vee or something like that“ while I see what I’d like to do with my name. I like the idea of being called V or Vee for now, and see how it goes from there. That’s my choice. And I add that “Vee. Huh. I like it. And I could actually ask my teachers to shorten my name to Vee, as  it is the beginning of my birthname, and wouldn't seem as strange as Aky.“, which is true. I decide I can actually go see my formation manager, to ask her if I can change my name in the school papers, so the teacher would gender me properly.

This is what I’m going to do next week. I’m going to ask my teacher to call me Vee, and see how it goes from there.

My name is V. And I like it.

[gardenbiriety]

eeeekkkk christmas is the worst for dysphoria honestly

uhm so sui tw and family shit and just generally bad thoughts ahead 

yikes so i used to really like christmas but now its literally just??? how can i navigate my family without making my parents hate me and without wanting to kill myself more than usual and i forgto this part every year until we have to have dinner w ppl and i just? realise how? my family doesn’t give two shits abt me at all except for my brothers lmao like??? i’ve literally said calling me my deadname makes me feel like sshit and my ma wont fucking believe me until i fucking kill myself and even then? she would just say i was being selfish what a cunt honestly

like i acctually forget that im not ok and then i remeber when i said ‘since ur fmily i guess i can’t make u but i’d really fucking love it if u called me roman ‘ and my uuncle legit was like ‘well im still gonna call u deadname ‘ like thAnks dickhead if i didn’t love my lil counsin (and only one bc her younger brother is such a dick (he’s like 11 so  i try not t hate him) but he’s really fucking violent to his sister and whenever he hurts her she just doesn’t say anything but she accidently (or on purpose,,, but thats rareer bc shes such a sweetie ok i love her) but she tripped him on one fo thsoe big jumping pillow things and i (an almost adult at the time, this was like 6months to a year ago) had to physically get inbetween them bc he was determined to hurt her and he gets away with all sorts of shitty and cruel behaviour and she doesn’t even get away with retaliating and i lvoe her so much and it makes me so mad? but anyway she’s the only person (and maybe my aunt but less) who i like from their sect of the family and we have to have dinner with them and im gonna screm bc every time i see him i remember that and honestly????? 0/10 

but that doesn’t hurt as much as the facct that? my ma still doesn’t believe me? like i fucking started hurting myself when i was 12 but sure..... this is some sort of fucking phase and im just ‘wanting to be different too badly’ (fuck her honestly) im so???? i shouldn’t have to feel this shit and i probably wouldn’t if she just grew the fuck up and let me be???? like????? i dont give a fuck if u ‘always wanted a daughter’ ya didn’t fucking get one and ur gonna lose ur oldest kid if u keep this shit up like idk how long i can deal with her but i also ant leave and i dont know what to do and if i’m not working enough (to her satisfaction anyway) next year she’s actually going to have at me and i just????? i want to get out but there is nowhere to go because nowhere is safe im fucking???/ im stuck and i dont want to be here anymore 

is it that hard to take me seriously???? once i fucking pulled a muscle in my neck at someone elses house and they rung my ma to ask if i could have panadol and i was crying over the phone and she still accused me of faking (recently she told me she thought i had gotten addicted to drugs when i was in america for like? twenty days? because i had fucking panadol and ibprofen in my bag bc i didn’t realise ibprofen was not panadol and didn’t do the same thing and i wasn’t just gonna? chuck it out???) honestly i’ve fucking had enough 

AnD alSo she is always grumpy / easy to anger bc of work / her general suppression of emotions / ect and takes it out on us w/o consquence and i pointed it out and she legit just said ‘yeah but im an adult tho’ like???? honestly fuck u you dont get to do that iim so mad and im so sad and i fucking dont even know if theres any point? trying to maintain out relationship? like i love her but fuck she is not good for me at all and has, consistently, for years, managed to ruin almost all of my good days with a single word and i just fucking???? i’ve had enough and i cant be bothered anymore like all she does is set off bother my anxiety and dysphoria and screams at me until i get out of bed which makes it? even harder to get out next time??? she is still trying to manage my life and shit like???  fuck u??? if i need help ill ask otherwise leave me alone (ofc when i ask for help she’s fckign shiitty abt that too honestly ‘ask if u dont know’ ‘except if its ‘common sense’ or smth that i already know and u, also, somehow, telepathically do to’ like sometimes i jsut wanna ask for reassurance!!!! fuck u!!! jsut say yes / no and move the  fuck on it’s not that hard u dont have to be a cunt

i’ve been on the verge of tears for two days but its g its chill im just gonna have to make sure my ds is charged before the crhistmas family dinner and pray nobody writes my fucking deadname on any gifts bc seeing it written honestly causes me physical pain and accepting it will also do that fuck me theres nothing i can do except send judgmental looks (but on the downlow bc i dont waanna be ‘disrepecctful’ and have them dramatically try and take the gift back even tho i dont rlly care abt whatever shit they got me my ma would kill me) im so tired i can’t wait until i dont have to speak to these people ever again