#bc there’s like. Perfectionism. figuring out what she ACTUALLY wants. And then she has to have a romance also

[magpiesbones]

okay so the thing is you see that this fic (the Agott/coco continuation of German College) HAS to be written out of chronological order for Reasons. And I have about 2.2k solid which is a respectable length for a chapter but it is also almost ENTIRELY introspection.

the other thing is that I’ve decided where chapter one ends and it’s Not here because I want to hit a VERY specific character beat first.

[wyauwu]

Ace Attorney: Kristoph Gavin

just wanted to put down some notes for a kristoph fic i wanna write whenever i need to take a break from my two pmd longfics

a compilation of four different cases kristoph gavin takes during the seven-year gap. one with apollo, one with beanix, one with ema, one with klavier (not necessarily in that order)

apollo: a month into his employment at gavin law offices. apollo's very first investigation. kristoph notices apollo's incredible skills of observation. if he didn't know any better, he'd almost call it supernatural. he was going to be quite the invaluable asset during trial preparation...apollo becomes a mainstay at kristoph's side from this point forwards. kristoph finds great amusement in making 'justice' puns. kristoph is slightly surprised that apollo doesn't bat an eye at investigating crime scenes, even though it's technically against the law. most rookies are. it's a welcome one. clay terran is the one accused of murder. gumshoe is the assigned detective. either that or (NOT PHANTOM) fulbright takes this case, and gummy shares the spotlight with ema. actually yeah i think i like that better.

ema: ema is willing to help kristoph bc he's phoenix's friend/friend with benefits/romantic partner??? she doesn't quite know what to make of them. kristoph keeps her guessing. this is the first investigation that ema's lead, so gumshoe is there as a sort of...senior consultant ig. not quite mentor. ema has picked up a bit of a smoking habit at this point. it's unbecoming of someone in the force, the smoke irritates kristoph's eyes and nose, the smell is going to linger on his suit, and not to mention the dangers of second-hand smoking...he manages to convince her to put down the cigarette in exchange for stress eating. 'wright gave me these...snackoos, the other day, would you like some?' the day ema hears about kristoph's arrest, she has the sudden urge to pick up smoking again. she won't though. people she admired being criminals? that's. fine. she's used to that. she's not going to let it ruin her. (the snackoos taste like ash on her tongue.)

klavier: klavier calls kristoph to help him figure out a particularly tough case. kristoph jokes about it being repayment for him not being able to face him down in court during klavier's first trial. klavier...isn't sure if he finds it funny. featuring: the gavinners (kristoph is fine with klavier's music career, it's quite illustrious, even if he personally isn't a fan of the genre (too noisy!) but a band? he's disapproving. too many people makes it hard to maintain perfection. and! the commercialisation of law enforcement that comes with a themed band is...well, he's not fond of it, to say the least.) a somewhat comfortable somewhat uneasy brotherly dynamic, daryan (kristoph despises his unruly conduct and lax work ethic, but begrudingly respects his adherence to code and nearly encyclopaedic knowledge of anything foreign affairs), and gavin-typical perfectionism (it runs in the family) also something to do with atroquinine? probably the murder weapon. klavier gets his inspo for his atroquinine song during this case

beanix: phoenix happens to be visiting the office as kristoph goes out for the investigation. kristoph decides to invite him along. 'why not come along? after all, it's not very often you get to relive the glory days, yes?' it's a taunt, a trap, accepting would be to invite pain into himself. phoenix knows this. phoenix accepts. homoerotic passive aggressive mental war ensues. there's definitely some clashing of investigative styles, but even if there's conflict, the unholy union of 'the turnabout terror' and 'the coolest defence in the west' when focused on one goal: finding the client innocent/the truth is merciless and unyielding. this is incredibly distressing to sebastian/eustace, who is the poor soul who has to try and hold back the veritable force of nature about to crash into and tear the prosecution's case apart, by any means necessary. kay is the assigned detective. she's excited to finally meet 'that man', but she's also confused by the whole thing that he and kristoph have going on? she thought phoenix and miles were together... whatever, she'll ask him later. (phoenix might decide to bring trucy along? i will decide that later.)

[artistsfuneral]

The Witcher Scrubs AU 🏥

I know I said this AU is stupidly big and now you may see why, bc this is just me talking about the first few main characters not even the storyline, so: p.2 will be linked here

.🏥.

Jaskier, Priscilla and Valdo are all the new interns, aka JD, Turk and Elliot, but the three of them have all known each other from college and actually applied for KMH (Kaer Morhen Hospital) at the same time in hopes of staying together. All three of them are very close-knit friends, but Priscilla is more of a Mom friend for the group while Jaskier and Valdo have this weird thing going on where their rivalry comes with some heavy sexual tension, meaning during college they've been the on-and-off couple that everyone knew about and surprisingly they're still friends (thanks to Priscilla and their rivalry) but for now they give off heavy “divorced couple” vibes, kind of like Perry and Jordan, but not aaaaas season one toxic. Given is, Valdo will judge and comment on every single thing Jaskier does (especially later when he has a crush on Geralt) and Jaskier will walk around drawing devil horns on every imagine somebody has of Valdo (figuratively and literally).

.🏥.

In the beginning Priscilla would be more of a background-ish supportive character, like I said the Mom friend, who keeps their friend group together, helps Jaskier and Valdo whenever they're troubled, is one of the very few people that isn't immediately scared of Geralt and is usually very level headed (thanks to dealing with her two best friends all the time), even in stressful situations. She will have to go through the usual workplace harassment, being a female doctor and all, for example by patients calling her nurse and wanting a “real” doctor or others telling her she should work less so she can find someone to marry and have kids with.

And although Priscilla usually manages to deal with all of this incredibly professionally, she sometimes gets fed up and just says the darndest, mot scariest things ever. (“Dr. Marx' shift doesn't start until 2pm today and I just can't seem to find any of the male nurses. If you should refuse treatment I can, of course, stand here and wait until someone comes to help us out, but I'm afraid you'll experience cardiac arrest much sooner. Don't worry though, our mortician is male.”) Later on she will have to deal with watching Jaskier and Valdo getting better and better at their job while she starts to struggle in the ICU. As it turns out she's amazing in the ER though. And at the end of the “show” she'd definitely be one of the head doctors in the ER (if that's a thing).

.🏥.

Valdo, much like Jaskier, is one of those rich kids. His grandparents were doctors, his parents were doctors, he is a doctor. He doesn't really have a say in that, but unlike Jaskier, he doesn't mind it that much. He's very easily persuaded by wealth and fame, but he's actually a pretty decent guy underneath his “Daddy's favorite child” persona. He's really smart and has a great eye for figuring out what's wrong with people. But he's very squeamish when it comes to bodily fluids that aren't blood. (It's Geralt's favorite way of punishing him, after he's been an ass.) He will often come off as snobbish, but he honestly just doesn't notice that not everyone grew up with a personal chef. He immediately will know that he said something weird when Priscilla gives him a certain look that he often describes as blank disbelieve. (-_-') Valdo is- Well he's pretty obsessed with Jaskier to be honest. The thing is, Jaskier was his first true love and now he's kinda stuck gatekeeping Jaskier. He doesn't do it intentionally, he's not that much of an ass, it's just kind of part of his perfectionism. Along the lines of “I am perfect at everything I do, but I wasn't good enough to make Jaskier happy, so nobody is good enough for him.” Like I said though, it's very much unintentional and Jaskier has no idea what is going on, but Priscilla watches from afar, shaking her head in disbelieve. (The good thing about Valdo's gatekeeping is, that it has actually protected Jaskier from many stupid mistakes.) This obviously creates a lot of conflict between Jaskier and Valdo (even though they don't fully understand why) and it keeps happening again and again until one day, still at the beginning of Geralt and Jaskier's relationship, when Geralt gets (rightfully) fed up with Valdo's constant bickering. (They're planning on going on a date and when Jaskier asks when/where they're going Geralt will snap at him saying “I don't know, why don't we ask Marx for permission first?!” - “What?” And then Geralt will fall into an angry rant that opens Jaskier's eyes, who then goes to Priscilla who confirms it all and then he will sit down with Valdo and they'll have a long, heart-wrenching talk about it.)

Valdo being somewhat unable to connect with his patients and colleagues on a social level is ironically a really good thing, because while he's definitely not unfriendly, he doesn't take everything to heart. Unlike Jaskier is a lot better at dealing with the fact that they can't always save everyone.

.🏥.

Now Jaskier is obviously our main character, our JD.

As I already said, like Valdo he's one of the rich kids, but he has a way better understanding of the world than Valdo. He's also the oldest sibling and the only boy, meaning he has three younger sisters who he adores. Him becoming a doctor was entirely his parents idea and decision and since becoming a musician was not “acceptable” he kind of went with it, grateful that his parents paid for everything during his college years. In the beginning it really shows that he's not as passionate about this job as some of the others. He's incredibly smart and has absolutely no problem with studying and remembering everything (lucky him) but he's lacking enthusiasm (which is why Geralt initially can't stand him). His first couple of weeks at KMH are very tiring to him. Not because he's messing up a lot of things or isn't brave enough to take action, but because to him it's a very depressing and unfulfilling job and Geralt (and a few other people) seem to be constantly judging and downgrading him. He even thinks of quitting his job altogether, but Priscilla and Valdo stop him. It's only after a particular case where he helps to save the life of a patient he really connected with that he starts to understand how important this job actually is and how much it means. After that he also starts to understand Geralt and his serious attitude a lot better.

He always will have a bit of a problem seeing himself as a doctor, because he initially didn't want to be, but every day he wakes up and tries his best. He's really good at connecting with people, like JD he actually cares for them a lot and will meet many people that'll change his life. He struggles a lot when he isn't able to help someone and sometimes falls a bit too easily into his old “does this even matter?” way of thinking. It gets better with time though, and his friends and his sisters tend to get him out of that particular headspace rather easily. Especially Abby, his youngest. She's 12, like Ciri, a ray of sunshine and plays a big role in his life and kind of idolizes Jaskier a lot. She's rather independent and will visit Jaskier at the hospital or at home whenever she feels like it.

Unlike JD and Perry, Jaskier doesn't really have that much of a mentor, trainee relationship with Geralt, although Jaskier certainly has the same need to prove himself to Geralt. But Jaskier also thinks Geralt is incredibly sexy in his white coat and without it and when he's helping people and when he's arguing with Lambert and when he's berating Jaskier and when- Yeah- Jaskier very quickly develops a huge crush for Geralt after he went through his “do I really want to be a doctor” phase. Doesn't really help that Geralt treats him a bit more kinder after he noticed Jaskier found his will to help others and now sometimes even smiles when Jaskier is in the same room at him!

(and I really want to post this now so I can go watch Haikyuu before bed, so I will add the rest later lol)

[prozac-shaped-urn]

htotm notes may 10

You are a traveler. You never sit still for long. Your spirit dies all over again every time you confront the past, the one you left behind. The child you left behind.

Why do I feel like I need to apologize to the world for my ever-changing body?

You don't text me back, you don't ring me up, you check your phone when we chat… I never get to have your full attention.

bring your body, and your mind will follow

stitch 'n bitch is an actual term used since the 1940s! i wanna use it and i wanna have a man in the group bc this is taos and i can do what i want in my own story.

beth goes radio silent page 33 and comes back page 45 (as of right now, 5/7)

need a convo about beth's childhood bff kathleen and how she always felt super close to her until she moved away. make it very mjuch queer coded and beth has to point out that liss is verymuch gay.

need a solid lead-up to beth being wild and carefree. why is she so open with liss all of a sudden? need a backstory for that to make sense.

beth and liss need to TALK somewhere. beth calls liss and says she's gonna call again so that needs to happen. the convo needs to include fauna sounds being annoying to beth and something that would lead into them mutually pining in taos.

need a carefree 12yo somewhere

leave the satisfaction of stella and beth learning how to talk again for later in the story

have beth sit in the hot tub close to the end. maybe liss is there?? i like the idea of her being alone tbh.

beth needs to figure out why she's so hesitant to sit in the hot tub. it's bc she's afraid of being comfortable in taos bc of her losing maggie. she doesn't wanna get too attached and lose whatever she's attached to. have liss figure this out for her maybe????

julie needs to learn abt stella at some point

need a sewing circle in there somewhere -- where we get to know more about julie and liss and their friends. one giant dinner table convo with multiple angles that everyone fucking hates doing.

have beth try and fail multiple times to reduce her screen time

ok but where is felicity when she's listening to her grandma read bedtime stories like for real where tf is she SHE'S THINKING ABOUT HER CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND KATHLEEN (yeah i'm really going there)

beth needs to tell stella abt timothy at some point MAYBE HAVE TIMOTHY REACH OUT AND WANT TO MEET HER, MAYBE TAKE STELLA WITH IDK

the lead up to the inciting incident is chunky as all hell. FIX THAT.

Perfectionism is like an abusive ex: It finds your weakest areas and exploits them. You'll never satisfy an abuser -- satisfy yourself instead. BETH NEEDS TO LEARN THAT SOCIAL MEDIA IS AN ABUSER AND SHE WILL NEVER SATISFY IT, SO SHE NEEDS TO LET IT GO. or something like that

things E|L has learned living off grid for a year *Patience. stores are very far away like 30 min away. when you need something it can be a committment to go out and get it. if you have a single ingredient missing you won't go out and get it. you'll just do without. *accepting lack of control. can't control the weather (duh) so planning ahead of time doesn't help much. YOU HAVE TO BE EASILY ADAPTABLE. *plan ahead. make the most of every trip to town. *solving problems and self-reliance. if something breaks it's all on you. troubleshooting is a necessity. *learning from neighbors. share knowledge with everyone. networking is important.

maybe have liss show beth how to forage?? and then have them can the findings??? i like that idea. look more into that. DONE

why is slug comfortable in taos now MAGGIE ISN'T THERE ANYMORE

need a convo about body image between beth and liss so them examining themselves in the mirror makes sense. DONE i made it that scene where i stole from my own fanfic of deb and gerri

have beth buy a dumb phone but still use her computer for SPARING social media scrolling. we find the balance in this house. DONE

build up the need for beth to escape to taos?? maybe a series of shopping hauls???? DONE something where liss takes beth's phone and beth has an addict reaction. DONE

liss does laundry and gets weird looks maybe?? and that's what prompts her meltdown over not being enlightened??? idk figure that out. she needs to have a meltdown and know she's being hypocritical and beth needs to make that discovery in front of liss and tell her she's put two and two together. DONE

i dont think beth would so easily forget about liss. make her contact liss or smth. or maybe thats why she goes back to taos. incorporate something to do with the fauna sounds and how they're irritating so liss will have something to be proud of when beth's armor starts to fall. DONE

beth goes back to stay in taos with julie bc julie doesnt own a screen ????? something to do with julie and screens. BECAUSE SHE TRIES TO REDUCE HER SCREEN TIME WITH NO SUCCESS SO SHE DECIDES TO CUT IT OUT ENTIRELY AND THE BEST PLACE TO DO THAT IS JUILE'S DONE

beth needs to try and block out animal sounds IN FRONT OF FELICITY so that moment between them on the patio isn't out of nowhere SHE MENTIONS HATING THEM WHILE TALKING TO LISS IN BETWEEN TRIPS TO TAOS DONE

why are there no photos of anyone but bobby dean BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T WANT ANYONE TO GET CLOSE FOR FEAR THEY'LL LEAVE LIKE BOBBY DEAN ALMOST HAS

more of beth comparing herself to what she sees online / more comments on her life / figure out how stella plays into all that STELLA IS THE VOICE OF REASON

beth was a lively 12 yr old so make that come back MAYBE ALREADY DONE WITH THE DANCING AND CAREFREE NATURE GIRL MOMENTS

cut out some of the beth/julie shenanigans ACTUALLY NO I'M KEEPING THEM I LIKE THEM I THINK THEY WORK

why did beth's inner 12 yr old (slug) die BULLYING

[nathank77]

5/7/24

4:31 a.m more added by 4:40 a.m

Well I finished the Kristen Report and made it a pdf. It's on my flashdrive and I'm going to print the 20 page report tomorrow at staples as well as reprint the petition and take Elise off the form. I still can't believe in you Elise... but if you're here you're just a person to me and def not a provider... and the more time that passes I still love you but you seem like a bad person. I want to trust those eyes though... and our circumstances...

Anyways if you're here, I changed a few things in the report and just used your first name. That was easy. It's going to cost me money to reprint that page cause I have to reprint the entire petition. I also have to print the whole 20 page report that is almost 13000 words.

It was stressful and took me hours but I figured since I missed the cardiologist and it was going to sum up to an useless day and tomorrow is hardcore moshpit and I want to stay positive about it and hopefully I can play bo4 all day everyday for a week. I figured I might as well finish it.

As I edited it the first time- I was like crying while I read certain parts and I mean... I realized it was only going to be good enough to a point. That my perfectionism ocd was becoming a thing. I mean don't get me wrong I caught a bunch of stuff and being I started writing it in December.... I had a lot of stuff I had to change the wording for cause stuff changed despite trying to keep it updated throughout my many editing phases...

I added a paragraph disclosing I was trans cause I mean it was/is a hardcore fixation point for hallucination...

Anyways as I read/edited it and was crying sporadically, I realized I can't do it again. I might as well read it one more time bc reliving it everytime I edit it and read it is hard on me. So I read it one more time. I'm sure I missed something but it's a really good and a strong report. She will likely lose her license.

I'm going to print it tomorrow, call the unit ask about the witness thing on page 5 and make sure I don't need a notary for it and then go to ups and get a notary signature... if I have the time I'm going to ship it ground and get tracking and insurance cause between the notary and fucking printing costs, I mean if it didn't get there somehow.... I mean I lose like 20$ including the envelope...

I hope I can get all three things done:

1) print the report and refill out page 4 omitting Elise

2) get the notary for page 4/verify that the witness part on page 5 doesn't need a notary

3) Ship it

Then I can move on and watch her practice burn to the ground...

Erin actually got reported for a dual relationship. They aren't taking away her license if she does as follows:

1) pays a 5k fee

2) takes classes in 3 months and pays for that

3) and works under someone for 3 years

- I feel bad for Erin bc she's going to let them take her license cause she doesn't have the funds and doesn't want to over stress being under a magnifying glass for 3 years as she works private practice. She doesn't want to lose half her money and all that and send in reports on every client..it sounds like hell.

I'm def losing Erin as a therapist... once she has her meeting and she refuses to do that stuff...

The good news for me is that's a slap on the wrist for the therapist! A slap on the wrist!

If worse case Kristen doesn't lose her license. She will have to sell or put her practice in her husband's name.. I hope she loses it and I see CLOSED... but worst case for me she gets this slap on the wrist... assuming they take my case and I hope they do or I did all this for nothing...

If this is what happens, she will have to take half the pay and be under constant scrutiny sending in reports about all her clients under a fucking magnifying glass... she will have to pull money out of her ass and it will def effect her quality of life.

Although she deserves to lose her license permanently... I hope they take my case and take her license. She needs to go fucking down.

I can't get my life back, why should she live like her negligence didn't make my quality of life a 0?

And unfortunately for me I may hear this voice for the rest of my life. I may not recover. People survive with psychosis.... they go into remission and cope with the symptoms not everyone recovers....

I could permanently be deprived of hearing the wind in the trees without hearing a fucking voice talk at me.

And her losing her license doesn't feel like enough if I can never sit in the woods and hear the wind in the trees and bird chirping without hearing a fucking voice.

I used to love doing that. Nature was internal peace to me and I may never experience it again.

The chatter of people talking in the background which is headache inducing may be all I get for internal peace for the rest of my life. That and not being allowed to think otherwise it aligns with me and I hear that instead of the TV.

It makes me want to overdose.

[transsexualhamlet]

asmr i psychoanalyze my favorite war criminal, aka calling out norman the essay

basically all of my thoughts on norman on one callout post because i care him (both manga and anime are discussed)

LINK TO RAY PSYCHOANALYSIS:  https://chaoticgaymess.tumblr.com/post/646749875570196480/ray-81194-the-long-explanation 

this is going to be ungodly long so here’s a keep reading, essay below the cut

((tw for suicidal ideation and self harm, brief discussion of eating disorders))

Disclaimer: no shipping is included here this is just about norman also they’re kids who call each other siblings

Thoughts: So you may be thinking, Rowan, why do you yell about the colorless war criminal so often? Well the answer lies in your honor the court hates to see a girlboss winning. Norman is a girlboss :) Yes norman is a tiny twink who can't lift a milk jug. And he is a girlboss :) Obviously I don't condone, um, eugenics and all, but that's not the point the point is that he satisfies my need for more characters like Levi motherfucking Calder from Unwind because I’m apparently an edgy 13 year old. Also all of his problems are violently things I can fix and I keep him around as a pet project because someone needs to give him a hug and slap him on the face

I diagnose him with things: 

-pisces man :pensive:

-is he albino? Not literally. Is his skin so pale he would catch fire if he went outside at noon? Yes.

-autism: Yes I’m aware that calling him autistic makes him, problematic rep by perpetuating the autism unfeeling savant stereotype whatever but have you considered i’m autistic and I’m projecting also he’s L with standards? Anyway traits of AuTism he has: hyper   fixation, canonically breaks and fixes things over and over because like ofc he does, doesn’t understand Emotion, hyperaware of body language at the same time as it all somehow flying over his head, low empathy, sensory experiences™, min maxed in certain areas, and I don’t think he’s got social interaction quite right? There’s something off about it

-gifted kid (derogatory) This is self explanatory but basically him being the smartest and the best in a competitive environment caused most of his issues, such as the perfectionism, the need to succeed, the lack of self esteem and ridiculously high expectations on himself, giving himself no breaks or time to relax, the “i must be productive with every second of my day or i will die” deal, the “peaked at 11” thing, the way in which he goes through life like there’s going to be a fucking test on it

-Eldest Daughter™ lmao. Norman’s always had to be mature, he’s always had to be the best, he’s always had to do the things Ray got out of bc he’s a snitch and Emma got out of because Isabella likes her. Norman gets respect from Isabella only if he excels, and her bar for him is astronomical. He doesn’t have the Mommy Issues that Ray has, but it’s because for him Isabella basically just reflected his expectations on himself, whereas with Ray it was more personal.

-low empathy (part of the autism thing): this one needs more explanation, but it’s not a bad thing in and of itself. Cognitive empathy is a thing and he can use it, but he does not instinctively understand other people’s emotions, or even recognize them properly, especially when the person is not like himself. This is obvious in Emma. Man has no fucking clue what’s going on in her head or why she does what she does, but he can predict what she will do in any given situation very well. He could understand the suicide attempt from ray he predicted more because Ray’s an easier equation to solve, and someone who’s more similar to him. I know he gets it because, well, motherfucker’s just as self desctructive as him, just in a more dignified manner.

-he’s got some sort of chronic illness. This is also me projecting and a headcanon but he’s got something going on, even before lambda pumped him full of growth hormones or whatever which they maybe should have Not Done but oh well. (I assume this just didn’t happen in the anime, since he’s still so fucking short) But he's So weak. He passed out when it was too hot. He passed out when it was too cold. He can’t open a pickle jar. His skin is too pale and he’s skinny af. He’s much more prone to sickness and probably has asthma too? But in the case that he did actually have something going on, I don’t think grace field would see the need to treat it, if it didn’t impact the quality of his meat? Isabella’s probably just “you have chronic pain and you get migraines? Great, take some tylenol and do some calculus.” Can’t say that probably helped anything.

personality type: ISTJ

Basically, he’s the most boring personality type to exist, and personally as an enfp i do not respect him. But basically this means he’s a fucking nerd that gets his projects done for school the day they’re assigned, is probably the president of the Anime Student Council™, and could probably get away with premeditated murder (ok actual istjs this is a joke don’t skin me)

The only trait that norman doesn’t have on the istj thing is telling the truth. Yeah, he values the truth, but like, that doesn’t apply to him, clearly. Bitch is a notorious liar.

The only other personality type he has any similarity with is intj, which is the same except it’s more rare and a purple theme instead of a blue theme. Sadly, that’s not him though, because although he can care more about some kinds of philosophy overall this isn’t the case and ray already occupies this personality type tbh. 

strengths and weaknesses: This one’s kind of obvious, but he is aside from the crazy insane intelligence good at planning. Extremely good at planning. He can predict any outcome and figure out how to prevent it, using all his resources. For example he’s physically weak and someone could literally just walk up and stab him, but it doesn’t impede his progress on his goals because he’s surrounded himself with strong, mentally inferior people who would die for him in a heartbeat. He never gets stuck in some “everything is shit and i can’t do anything” deal like Emma and Ray do, he always works through it and has confidence in his abilities (in as much as he will solve the problem or die™. Weaknesses other than his twink body include his Low Wisdom score. It’s funny how he’s often associated with an owl, the mans is 14. He thinks he knows what he’s doing. He doesn’t. Plus obviously his fundamental misunderstanding of so much of everything going on around him, the fact that he lies not just to the world but himself, his refusal to take care of himself and his incredible cowardice. His achilles heel is being forced to, actually confront his actions.

what he likes about himself: He does pride himself on his mental abilities, and his judgement, which in his opinion is the only correct opinion and the only correct way. In the past, he likes being seen as a leader, he likes being responsible for other people. He likes his ability to manipulate and lie, because he sees it as an asset, and I honestly think he enjoys being william minerva more than he enjoys being Norman. He prides himself on his unhealthy expectations and the fact that he is able to meet them. Honestly, he does think he’s better than everyone else, mentally, though it’s humbled by his self hatred. Cursed thought: If Norman had self esteem he would be light yagami. 

what he doesn’t like about himself/insecurities: Oh god, nearly everything. His appearance, his status, his superiority, his physical inability, his own mess of a mind, also have I mentioned his appearance. He’s obsessed with self control. He wants everything he sees wrong with himself gone. And I understand why having control of everything is necessary and appealing, everything for him has always been rigid and planned out from moment one, he was even more regulated in lambda, and though he desperately wants to Not Be Food, he has no idea what to do with the chains now that he’s broken out of them. So he just wraps them around himself. Regulates to an unhealthy degree when he sleeps, what he eats, when he actually takes even minimal care of his own problems, what he looks like, how much of himself he lets show, the expressions on his face, the literal thoughts inside his own head he will shut down if they are not Correct. It’s literal self harm. Norman, please stop it.

motivations/goals in life/general philosophy: To be honest, I’m not sure he knows what he wants. He sure thinks he does, he could sure give you a memorized answer, but it means nothing. He wants to excel. He wants Emma to be happy. He wants to be perfect and for that to make everything perfect. But he doesn’t realize everything he’s working towards will do pretty much the opposite of that. He’s a crippling perfectionist, and pretty much everything he does is motivated by his fear of failing. He picks the certain path, he doesn’t wait for anyone else, he doesn’t care if it’s not nice. Emma foils that a most of the time because he cares about her, but it can only go so far, especially after he’s had so much time without her to develop a Complex. His philosophy is very contradictory, basically the tokyo ghoul “everything bad that happens to you stems from a lack of ability”. All of his problems are his fault. All the world’s problems are his to fix. If he can’t fix them, it’s his fault, it’s because he wasn’t strong enough, and not being perfect condemns someone forever, including himself.

how he’s perceived by others vs how he actually is: In most people there wouldn’t truly be much of a difference, but with Norman things are different, because, well, most of his personality in grace field is a put on, as well as the tough guy dictator thing he radiates after lambda. How he appears to someone is determined by the context of their meeting- the kids at grace field see him as a nerdy, weakish, pretty boring kid who is really caring and kind. The researchers at lambda see an obedient, beaten down and perfectionistic boy. The lambda kids see him as an infallible leader, ruthless and genius, a good man who knows what’s right. But in truth none of that is him. It’s a fucking chess game to him, putting on different faces, lying and pretending and treating everyone differently. In truth? He’s a fucking coward. He’s scared out of his mind and he’s tired and he can’t take pain, he’s obsessed with reaching some goal he deems is necessary that in the end is going to be his death because he doesn’t want to face the consequences of his actions. He’s taken on the role of someone evil, though deep down he’s not, he feels it’s easier to live that way because it strips him of his conscience. 

interpersonal relationships: In general, Norman sees all relationships in a pretty dim light. He sees everyone as black and white, for the most part, and other people make no sense to him intuitively, he has to figure them out like a puzzle. He’s manipulative and not particularly kind, but he follows all societal expectations to a T, overly focused on his appearance and placing the person he’s interacting with into a Category™. So he can be truly kind, to people he feels deserve it, to people who he values and doesn’t see flaws in. He gets incredibly attached to people he loves, protective, though he often doesn’t take their own feelings on the matter into consideration, and he’s ruthless with anyone who he deems a bad person. With people he understands and relates to, though, things can be different. If he sees someone as like himself, he will drop all the social interaction police bullshit and cut to the chase of whatever he wants or needs from them, and he’s not very forgiving in any manner, if he thinks what someone did is actually bad.

Emma: Norman obviously cares a lot about Emma, and honestly views her as better than anyone else. He realizes her moral integrity and all of the things she has and he doesn’t, and admires it. Because of his black and white view, Emma is like an angel to him. She couldn’t do anything wrong if she tried. But he comes to treat her as something to be protected instead of respected, and although he realizes she wouldn’t like what he’s doing, he fundamentally cannot empathize with her and doesn’t try to understand her. Their personalities are very literally opposite. Norman really needs to fucking listen to her. And Emma needs to understand that Norman doesn’t have a single ounce of empathy and you really do need to spell it out for him. Emma can only convince him when she has logical reasons for her actions, which she, doesn’t often have. And Emma gave Norman too much slack, because she didn’t see past the surface, and Ray never wanted to warn her, even though he knew the dude was showing a bunch of red flags, because you know. It was kind of an unspoken deal between them. (on ray’s part)

Ray: His relationship with Ray is a lot more complicated than with Emma. He understands Ray, where he doesn’t understand Emma, and he can see right through anything Ray does. And this makes things really tense between them, because Ray doesn’t, take kindly to being psychoanalyzed. If someone perceives him he will deck them and Norman is just there silently perceiving him at all times when Emma doesn’t see it. They are both constantly in competition with each other, but they care about each other a lot, though it’s kind of in a derogatory way. They both recognize each other as fundamentally fucked up, and silently agree never to bring it up with Emma. They’re nice to each other when she’s around, but all pretenses disappear when she’s gone. Ray is always frustrated with Norman, because Norman’s never been intimidated by him, and though he tries his best not to be vulnerable around him, Norman can always see through it, whereas Ray can’t crack Norman’s fake fucking smile no matter what he does. Norman will always take Emma’s side, and doesn’t see Ray as a good person at all, but he still understands and can excuse him, he takes measures to be… worse than Ray, which is better in his mind, because it’s rational, and ‘not selfish’.

Isabella: She has always had ridiculously high expectations for Norman, and treats him kind of harshly compared to the others. Bitch has heat stroke and Isabella’s first question is a calculus problem instead of like, “are you ok”. She knows he doesn’t complain about anything ever and she doesn’t stop him from being Terrible to himself, because it makes her job easier. They want smart kids, not mentally adjusted kids. She does really care for all of them, but she basically overrides it, she gives them what they want, not what they need, lets them be exactly what they’re making themselves. Isabella is distant with Ray but gives him anything he wants, she’s close and super nice with Emma, but Norman is… it’s weird. Isabella is proud of him because he meets her astronomically high bar. But at the same time, Norman never really cared for her that much and has never pretended to. Once they discover The Thing, though, he has a revelation, and it doesn’t take him long to switch his entire perspective about her. He’s pretty much like. Oh. She’s like me. That explains it, time to treat her like I treat myself: fucking brutally. Passive aggressive as hell. The kind of energy the :) emoticon at the end of an email gives. He does like just go “yeah we should kill her” at one point, which. You know, ok. When he got shipped out it was hhhh really interesting because Isabella knew full well he knew he was walking to his death and Norman was like “are you Truly Happy?” and just went :) and she was like h u h and tried to get him to talk while they were walking there because she feels Bad about it and he just. Did not. He didn’t say a single word just kind of smiled menacingly at her and I think it was half a sort of rebellion and half because he viewed her as similar to himself and therefore felt no need to put up any front with her, no words were necessary for him to impart exactly how he felt about it

Lambda kids: His relationship with the lambda kids is weird and bittersweet. I think he really truly does care about them, they were in a similar situation to his and he wants them to get what they want. However it is not a healthy or beneficial relationship, they see him as a god and don’t realize that he’s killing himself to give them what they want, he’s basically adopted them when out of anyone norman’s the one that should least be in charge of kids. I think he’s honestly younger than them but I’m not sure if they even know. He acts like their fucking mom, and that’s from what he thinks mothers are like… like isabella?? Giving them what they want, not what they need, lying to them, showing a front, caring deeply for them but at the same time using them for his own ends. And it’s not helpful for him. He thinks he knows what they need, but what he’s doing is what they want. What they need is therapy,(and so does norman), and he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with using them as weapons because they love him. It makes him feel good, to be seen as perfect, to have people who don’t know how weak he really is. But it’s only making him worse, and he’s enabling everything the lambda kids are doing wrong as well. They need like, Yuugo and Lucas. Some actual adults who are actually wise and have the ability and the knowledge to take care of them and understand their mental problems and maybe actually address them. And actually be nice to them. But um sadly. 

what he’s doing wrong: It’s pretty obvious, but… Norman, you maybe *shouldn’t* commit genocide? You’re not helping emma, you’re not making anything better. You’re not helping the lambda kids, you’re enabling them. You’re not helping your friends from grace field, you’re ignoring what they want. You’re not helping the world, you’re eradicating an entire race from the face of the earth and murdering the poor for the crimes of the fucking 1%. You’re not being a martyr, you’re a selfish piece of shit liar you little coward, you just want an easy way out and you want to die on your bloody fucking hill instead of admitting you’re wrong. Grow up, cringe little man.

why he went wrong: I think most of the reason this happened was the way he was raised combined with the kind of person he is. Norman would have turned out fine, if there has been good adults in his life who actually cared about his well being. Instead he got people who just wanted to control him and make him what they needed, and family who largely didn’t realize there was anything wrong. Ray being an ass to him most of forever probably didn’t help but well, that’s just Ray. Even then, he would have managed alright if he escaped with the rest of the kids because he would never have been separated from the experiences that caused the rest of them to realize demons weren’t all evil. In lambda he didn’t have anyone supporting him or telling him when things went too far, so he fell into relying on himself alone, pushing himself further with absolutely no limits. All he saw was enemies and allies, and things got stratified. He never had a lucas or a yuugo or mujika when he would have needed it, instead he found children who wanted him to be in charge and a world that made it so he had to be. Everything was an echo chamber for his worst thoughts, so they just became more and more dominant.

what he needs: To put it simply, he needs Emma and Ray to cut to the chase and slap him across the face and make him take care of himself. He needs to be forced to see everything for what it really is- this edgy 14 year old committing atrocities to feel better about himself? He needs to be told that what he’s doing is irrational, because in reality, it is. There are better solutions that he’s ignoring, both to his own suffering and the demons, and the way he’s going now no one will truly be happy because of it, that there is no requirement that things be perfect and this bullshit doesn’t make him stronger. He needs someone responsible to take the fucking dagger out of his hands. He also needs someone to babysit him and make him go to bed at a reasonable time.

i describe his personality through songs on my spotify playlist for him:

-outrunning karma by alec benjamin: this one super applies because it calls him out for making shitty decisions, being manipulative and a liar, and having blood on his hands in a very calm and subdued manner, that he knows this is wrong and yet he chooses to keep running faster and faster towards destruction, that he means to escape it through death

-empty by boyinaband and jaiden: yes this is a song about anorexia yes it also applies to norman i’m not saying norman literally has an eating disorder (but honestly it wouldn’t be far out of character if he did) but metaphorically this applies to his method of ignoring his needs, both emotional and physical, in favor of seeming in control 

-toxic thoughts by faith marie: this one speaks to his gifted kid trauma. Man’s got perfectionism running his entire soul. He’s terrified of failing, because he’s always been at the very top, he’ll beat himself up over any miniscule mistake and forces himself to keep at bad habits that keep him Productive, but he won’t ask for help no matter how much he’s suffering because that would be failing, he fights with his mind, this song basically tells him “yeah i feel you but you need to stop that”

-no time to die by billie eilish: ignore the romantic overtones but this is emma and norman, emma who trusted norman and was lied to, betrayed, for norman’s greater good, and norman who refuses to feel or hurt because of it, who refuses to apologize or see himself as wrong, pushes forward because he’s going to Pass Away

-achilles come down by gang of youths: hhhhh it's like. His vibe. Obviously you can disregard the lifestyle specific shit but it's. It's achilles come down you have to understand it’s like the same deal as friend, please just like french and longer

-friend, please by 21 pilots: i feel like i don't have to explain this one but it’s more to the manga (not the anime where he kind of figures out he done did wrong by himself instead of committing unforgivable sins and still going yeah this is valid before emma is like holy fuck). He is like sorry emma I cannot fix anything I’m going to die :) *coughs blood* and emma going like stop it stop it stop it fuck you see you fucked up and i forgive you just stop don’t walk away while he’s like “no<3”

why im a repressed little norman kinnie even tho he’s my exact opposite: I don’t generally kin ppl like norman, honestly he’s an infj I have no clue how it happened but I’m pretty sure it’s because of my intense desire to project onto a little man who cannot lift a milk jug and has chronic pain and decides you know what I AM tired of being nice i DO wanna go apeshit. Also he’s a twink. A little bastard. He’s a terrible person and I go mood every time he does anything. I said mood when he fell out of a tree. Don’t know what this says about me, I swear I wouldn’t commit no genocide. He’s like the inverse of Yoichi Saotome, and somehow i kin him too. Damn.

Miscellaneous headcanons:

-man’s SO attached to his william minerva cloak. He’s a wispy little bitch, you know he’s wearing that thing inside the house, he’s fucking cold. It also makes him Look Important he can retreat into it like an emo middle schooler with an oversized sweatshirt

-although you could probably get Mad street cred from having two whole brands you know he’s not gonna whip it out and show off his lambda thing he’s incredibly self conscious and his chest hasn’t seen the sun in years

-norman’s got MAD laundry skills to be able to wear like, all white all the time while constantly murdering people. I think he’s the only one who knows to do the laundry. And Ray is the only one who knows how to cook.

-but even then there’s gotta still be a few questionable stains on that thing, but if anyone asks he’s like “ketchup” “I’ve literally never seen you eat anything with that much color” “ketchup :)” *coughs blood*

-he’s probably thought “well i have not literally coughed blood yet today so I am not legally obligated to take care of myself”

-He probably adopted much of his current personality from taking on the persona of william minerva. I’m calling him out for being like me, he’s a blank motherfucker, he absorbs personality traits from characters he plays! He’s just not in theatre so it’s a bit more intense!

-the first time he sees barbara Eating Demon Meat he kinda stares and goes oh cool! not for me and violently exits the room. Like it's hilarious bc he thinks that's really gross on a moral level though he understands why she would do it 

-Which is even funnier bc I’m not sure about the canon on this but there was That Chapter Cover that one time that kinda seemed to imply norman eating demon meat which i absolutely latched onto because I’m terrible. He was just politely eating it. With a knife and fork like why dude. As to a possible reason for him doing that I can come up with, of course barbara does it out of spite, but man we don’t know the properties, if it had some sort of painkilling aspect to it or it was like, caffeine, you know he would, but he would Definitely not talk about it

-I kinda disagree with what the anime did in episode eight? It was good I liked it and the imagery was fantastic but also have you considered Norman could not kill someone with his own hands if he tried, or even physically injure them? That’s what his minions are for shawty. That doesn’t make it any less bad, of course, but the manga captured it perfectly by the fact of he carries around a dagger and a scepter in the capitol battle, but he never even raises it out of more than intimidation. He walks through calmly like he’s not scared at all but he makes sure all the lambda kids do all the actual murder, he just stands there impartially, clearly The Mastermind, as the kids fucking murder the queen of the demons. And I think that’s more profound because he’s, a coward. And he doesn’t realize being the one who orders the strike makes you just as responsible as the one who sticks the knife in someone. The knife is just there to Compensate™  for the fact that he weighs like eighty pounds.

-he’s more of like lady macbeth (because he’s a girlboss) than macbeth himself. He has blood on his hands, but it’s the kind of blood that you can’t wash off. He never killed anyone himself, and he cannot admit he never would have been able to.

-the last thing is that there are definitely epic things about the anime, episode 8 was my favorite so far, goddamn that imagery and the bitch walking through the city while it burns down with the screaming asmr going on behind him my god. We stan. But like the downside of, letting Emma and Ray get to him before he commits first degree murder makes the whole thing lose a lot of his value. In the manga (oh my god look at me being a pretentious manga fan please) it fit more of his ideas- he never backed down, and he planned for Emma coming and trying to stop him. Of course he wanted Emma to stop him, he wanted it with all his fucking heart he was pleading for it to happen but the man wouldn’t give himself what he wanted if he was held at gunpoint. He knew she’d come and he made absolutely sure she wouldn’t be able to stop him. So when she came and he said “you’re too late”??? It kind of said it all, in the fact that he was disappointed that he got his way. He still thought he did the right thing, but deep down there where he shoved all his thoughts and feelings he desperately wanted to be saved from himself.

So yeah, those are my thoughts. Feel free to eviscerate me if these are not Correct he is just my favorite girlboss who I feel the need to yell at

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

thinking about msa celeste again because. i’m playing celeste. and mostly i’m thinking about what Therapy Mountain would have to say to all the characters

vivi’s journey is about perfectionism. she sees the “ghosts” of all the people she’s looked up to over her life – mushi, her parents, duet, all the people she’s admired and modeled herself after. some of them are helpful, give her advice or boosts. some of them spit in her face and tell her she’ll never be good enough to match them. and her arc is about learning to stand up for herself, to glare right back at them and say no, what i am is enough. i don’t need your approval. 

(her arc is also about getting cool ice powers)

meanwhile, for a long time lewis has refused to let himself feel bad. he ignores “selfish” feelings like anger or jealousy or just sadness bc he doesn’t think he deserves it. or more like there’s some barrier of suffering before he’s “earned” those feelings and he’s never reached it. so the mountain manifests a version of ghost!lewis, who’s just all of those feelings. so in order to actually progress in the climb, lewis has to make peace with that part of himself and meet in the middle.

??? is just arthur’s survival instincts and it fucking hates him. arthur’s the last to figure out what the fuck this shadow version of himself is supposed to be, other than “mean and doesn’t want me to be here.” because arthur didn’t really come here for a challenge or to explore. he knew it was a dangerous climb, and he knew that if he disappeared up here nobody would ask too many questions. his arc is less about admitting anything to himself, and more about admitting to other people that he needs help.

anyway, this dialogue:

arthur, in danger, probably from ???: i- oh fuck, i don’t want to die up here!

???, immediately hitting the brakes: OH THAT’S FUCKING NEWS TO ME

[merrysithmas]

mmmm hard and quick question who tops boris or theo

😂🤣sorry i just need to pick myself up off the floor after thinking about THEO topping anyone of his own free will. the only kind of person i can imagine Theo topping is like... Agent Q from the new Bond movies but even after that they're like, yeahhh maybe this isn't for us. Lmao. Bc Theo doesn't like... want that.

(disclaimer: as a gay, i personally don't really like analyzing this topic in fandom, there is no menu or standard to human behavior and everyone reacts to the world differently and experiences pleasure differently, esp in a queer dynamic, so im like... who cares, dynamics are fluid anyway. but for sake of analyzing text here we go)

Based off the context of their personalities and dynamic, it is obvious Theo is thrown into massive depression and self-loathing when sleeping with women (Carol, Kitsey, Julie). He describes the experiences of sleeping with women as something he is monotonously expected to do, something that makes him uncomfortable and ashamed, or something substandard, and he never colors his descriptions of his affairs with women with passion, relief, or pleasure. He is like an automaton, simply following society's rules of how he "should" act and behave (or what he believes is so), essentially a Live Action Roleplay of misery that he follows with total loathing but adament piousness to stave off the horrors of his PTSD.

Now this is a point because of the way Theo and Boris (1) feel power and (2) experience comfort. Theo feels comfort and safety and power when he is vulnerable. He spends the entire book presenting a tremelous facade of being untouchable, invulnerable, and aloof (sometimes forcibly) when all the while he is dying inside from post-traumatic stress. He is a monumentous wall that could crack if you rested a feather on it. Yet Theo desperately abandons that ruse when he runs and crushes the painting to himself, his only relief, his most vulnerable and relieving moments. Crying, curling his fingers over it, feeling safe and sound alone and soft and aching when no one is looking. His only peace. Well, until Boris. Until Boris came along and held and crushed Theo himself to his own chest (mirroring how Theo crushed the painting) as Theo would wake screaming, choked with sobs, lulled to sleep in Boris' comforting arms. Again, safe, vulnerable, at peace.

So what I am saying is, Theo feels emotional fulfillment and safety and comfort not from the expression of control or power (in fact his agency is very much deleted by those things, as he actively kills his soul little by little with his obsessive unhealthy control and perfectionism of his fake life). Theo is relieved by and emotionally fulfilled by the expression of vulnerability and reception of safety and love. His best self is brought out and his healing starts and he feels like himself - like he is whole, finally.

So while Theo was curled into Boris' arms accepting his vulnerability in front of one other person (apart from his mother aka the painting), Boris at the same time was also experiencing something he seldom received -- a feeling of power and control and guardianship and the actualization of his physical realness, the use of his body to not just be victimized by violence from his father and then depersonalized but the use of it to protect and care for another. A gigantic relief and comfort and avenue of self-realization for him (bookended in adolescence by his gutsy kiss when Theo left -- acts of bold physical interjection giving him a sense of accomplshment and emotional power... ahem: Shh, Potter).

Boris is the exact opposite of Theo, which is another reason why they likely got on so closely and keenly. They are compliments. Whereas Theo feels relief and freedom in vulnerability, Boris feels no safety or comfort in vulnerability. Boris deeply fears vulnerability as evidenced by: his unrelenting horrific physical abuse by his father, his playful childhood violence used to express emotionality, jerking away fearfully when Theo tries to attend to his wound, becoming ghastly terrified when Theo drowns him, his profession as a gang leader who is highly skilled in physical intimidation and defense weaponry (so much so that he saves both of their lives in the shootout and does in fact get the painting back, even if short-lived), his ultimately flippant and nonvocal reaction to being literally shot, his liberal use of a plethora of a drugs, his aesthetic presentation of imposing nicely cut dark clothes meant to exhibit an intimidating figure/presence, his deleterious dynamics with Kotku (physical violence) and Theo (emotionally fearful), his habit of frequent colorful lying, his theft of the painting likely for some insurance of livelihood as a starving child.

Boris does not feel empowered and safe when he is not in control of his physical body -- Boris feels comfort and pleasure when he is in a position of control and power over himself and others. He has adapted his developmental shortcomings to serve his life in what he sees as a positive way and find peace with it. He leads a gang, he is a wealthy man, he can fix Theo's problems, he says honestly he has a good life.

There is also the question of emotional vulnerability -- again, although Theo is hugely closed off and it is pretty much the premise of the book, when he is most happy and most free is when he is emotionally vulnerable. Theo writes that he, of course, loves Boris. He writes he is happy during their idyllic year together and is more emotionally forthcoming about it than anything else in the book. He becomes jealous over Kotku because she "assumes ownership" of Boris - the person he feels emotionally comfortable and safe with. His love for his mother is an enduring buoy in his life, the painting brings him emotional relief, he falls into Hobie's arms as a derelict child, he frets feverishly over Boris' wounded arm. He is most himself in vulnerability after a lifetime of emotional suffocation.

Boris is also highly distressed by emotional vulnerability, but in context of Boris&Theo, it is Boris who is more fearful of emotional vulnerability as children. Theo cries in Boris arms, seeks Boris out, finds emotional solace in Boris. Boris, unaccostumed to this safety flees it and searches out an eventually toxic dynamic between he and Kotku instead. Boris changes as he grows older: feeling guilt over stealing the painting, telling Theo to value his life - he is philosophical by nature. However this emotional cognizance does not translate to his physical life. In fact it is the other way around: Boris uses that physical power and safety he has cultivated to lend him strength and space and psychological protection so that he can be emotionally self-analytical. Theo has become emotionally hardened until reunited with the painting and Boris, having Boris brings back Theo's physical and emotional freedom.

so yeah, TL;DR Boris.

obviously life and relationships are complex and there is variation in any dynamic but it seems that would be their standard, mimicking their first cuddled childhood moments in a more adult manner (shh, potter). it's a reflection of their dynamic. Theo is open to giving himself physically to Boris (in many small ways) and Boris is upheld and strengthened (and made better physically and emotionally) by that trust. He craves it so much he longs for it for ten years. And that support makes Theo better in return. A positive cycle.

i have such a hard time even imagining Theo topping Kistey like, that poor guy. It must have been soooo dead for him. Kitsey on the other hand would've worn a strap on just so they could have even a little fun until their eventual breakup but Theo's third-eye isn't opened far enough.

[loplainlointhemorning]

Omg your tags... Can you talk more about your songwriting pls? I'm at that point now where I'm just trying to finish as many songs as I can, not caring so much abt the quality bc otherwise I will never finish one. I still only have a few, I'm trying to learn the process and what works for me. But it's so encouraging to hear someone else talk abt this like I keep comparing myself to famous ppl I listen to and it feels like they just have a gift and I don't

dude, I have been comparing myself to artists I look up to constantly, ever since I got into music at fourteen, wondering why I’m not good enough. I think it’s normal. The truth is, when you stop listening so much to beginner’s self doubt, perfectionism, and in my case, chronic anxiety, everybody is the same. The people who are really good are really good because they sat down and fucked around with instruments long enough to understand them, the people who are really good are really good because they love what they do, and all of them wrote shitty songs in their late teens/early 20s/whenever they started out. I have(and still do) beat myself up for everything from writing too fast to writing too slow, for taking months long breaks because of mental health issues, for lyrics that my band laughed at, for only knowing how to play one instrument, the list goes on...But I comfort myself with facts like these:

PJ Harvey was asked about her first ever song in an interview from 1995 and that’s the closest I’ve seen her come to blushing; She said it was about a girl going on an adventure and that it was awful. She reiterated in a magazine that most of her earliest work was ‘terrible’ and heavily influenced by Irish folk music, meaning, apparently, that it was full of tin whistles. It took her years before she was comfortable playing her orginal music in front of other people(and if you watch her early Dry performances, she’s not even all that comfortable in the first place.) The important thing is, PJ Harvey hated her early songs.

Nick Cave said that he was ashamed of the Birthday Party’s discography up until Junkyard and that he didn’t like to think about those albums. Nick Cave hated his early songs- And Nick Cave is partially famous DUE to these early songs, go figure.

Courtney Love bashes Hole’s first album Pretty On The Inside nearly constantly, calling it ‘unlistenable’ and saying it was more about her persona being established than making good music. Courtney Love hated her early songs- and, once again, her band was given its name and image because of them.

I BEG you to listen to five seconds of David Bowie’s first album, which he doesn’t discuss.

If these people, who mean the world to me and have saved hoards of others from personal destruction, had given up bc they were Bad at a young and inexperienced age we wouldn’t have their music and it’s not an exaggeration to say that that would have ended in suicide for a big number of people. If you can get your ego in place, you can believe the same about your music, and the thing that’s going to keep you motivated more than anything else is Ego.

We live in a world right now where popular music lacks human hands and clumsiness and rawness and so the fact that both of us are, against the odds, composing music that still reflects those things is a rebellion. It’s important that we keep writing, not just because we deserve to be good songwriters because we care about it, but because for music to evolve there needs to be a constant underground of young people with limited skills trying their best. Plus, if we’re both lucky, we’ll end up saving people the same way we were saved and if it takes a few notebooks of three note trauma songs to get there then fine(besides, who doesn’t love a good three-note trauma song?).

But beyond the ‘glory’ of it(and I think to do anything artistic you have to romanticize it to a certain degree), I started songwriting seriously at the end of a bad relationship when I was sixteen, nearly seventeen. When that relationship ended, I wrote constantly. I wrote about everything. My main influences were Bikini Kill and The Runaways and I hadn’t developed my seriousness towards lyrics yet so anything went. I’d write three songs in a week, realize that two were bad and play the third one for my band only to get laughed at for writing something like “I swallow Clorox” which was a confessional thing about suicidal thoughts that hurt my feelings, but wasn’t articulated well.

I wrote Nirvana knock-off songs and I wrote Hole knock-off songs and I half finished at least one hundred different things and I have three notebooks filled with them, the latter half being the worst fake-Nick Cave writing I have ever read. From all of 2018, during which I probably wrote 30-35 songs, I have two that I would actually put on an album and three that I can remember/still like. Once I got my mental health under control, I did the same thing for the bulk of 2019. This stage you’re at is NOTHING TO FEEL BAD ABOUT. It’s like making stuff out of Play-Doh or fingerpainting. It’s FUN and you’re learning, Extremely Quickly, a million different skills that you’re going to need over the course of your life. Lyric writing, the classic verse/chorus/verse, how to invert that, experimental tactics, particular playing styles that you like, playing styles that you HATE, etc.

And the best part about it is that some of your songs are good! Some of them have good parts that you’ll take out later to put into better songs! You’re probably sitting on two or three good songs at the moment, maybe even more, maybe you’ve got a whole album of brilliant material and you just don’t know it. In thirty years your demos could work like Vashti Bunyan’s and be the proto-whatever of a new genre. I really don’t want to make you think that all your material right now is bad, because that idea has actually been super detrimental to me and is a shitty narrative pushed to push beginners. I’m saying that it’s OKAY for you to be bad, that even experienced people write bad shit, but that if you think you’ve written some bangers they deserve to be recognized as such.

To close, new phase that I was talking about, the quality over quantity phase, is definitely something I had to work up to. 90% of it is taking in enough new music to understand what you really want from yourself, and the rest of it is gaining enough confidence to willingly let other people hear what you do. I only started taking my shit this seriously in late December of last year because I knew people would be hearing it, and that has its set backs too: My perfectionism is crazy right now and I have to kick back against it all the time. The perks of getting to the point where you can hone yourself are that you build real relationships with your songs, and that you have some idea of what you want. But I also think that it’s healthy to go through the quantity over quality phase over and over again throughout the course of your career, because there’s no way to really write in a new style unless you keep going back to frenzied experimentation. If we both end up pursuing this long term, we’ll probably have to work on Finishing over Perfecting a million times over, and its best to make peace with it now.

I am so sorry that this is like. A million paragraphs but another important aspect of songwriting is procrastinating by being on tumblr so!!! You’re doing just fine. Keep up the good work, and feel free to talk to me or share music with me anytime. I hope this helps, or at least isn’t a boring read.

[nobodies-png]

ORG XIII Bullet point lists win. Instant follow. Have you already done a thing about when you [reader] play with their hair. BC BIH I wana get my fingers on Xaldin's sideburns!

hIS SIDEBURNS ? ?  wHAT AN ICON - okay but a lotta dudes in the org have long hair and oH BOY IM JUST HERE LIKE O O F, loVE ME SOME MEN WITH LONG HAIR

also big soz for the inactivity, i’ve been trying to get a lotta drafts done to fill up the queue and empty the askbox wheeze

Xemnas :

You must have balls of steel if you can ask the s u p e r i o r if you can play with his hair without stuttering - but nonetheless, you manage to do it! And you don’t seem to be in any trouble, considering Xemnas’ intrigued grin. “Go on, then” he’d tell you and you’d just stay there unsure like “Uhhh for real ? right n o w?” He probably gets a kick outta this, seeing how far you’ll go before chickening out (like a c o W A R D).

But you’re way too curious to figure out how the fuck his hair works to back out now. While you occupy yourself unraveling the m y s t e r i e s, he’ll merely watch - maybe chat with you . You know how pretty much everyone has a personal scent ? This guy lives up to his title, cause he’s got none. His hair is also super thin so you feel like you’re just trying to grasp n o t h i n g.

Xigbar :

The first thing he does is nudge your side, jokingly asking you shit like “aren’t we a bit too old for that cutesy shit?” while untying his ponytail and making himself comfortable on your lap. W h a t ? It’s not fair that you’re the only one having fun, right ? You can’t help but just roll your eyes at his smug sneer - maybe you should’ve chosen s o m e o n e else for this.

We know how Xigbar is. He’s not gonna shut the fuck up no matter what you do or how many times you ask him - so you just end up having some s a s s y friendly banter, with you pointing out his grey hairs or giving him ridiculous styles while he pretends to be offended. It’s an overall fun time ! Until he refuses to move from his spot on your lap because he’s “too comfortable there”, that is.

Xaldin :

The chances of him willingly letting you get your way are lower than Demyx’s motivation to work. Unless it’s a life or death situation, he’s not going to let you play with his hair - the trick is to ask him when he’s too busy to actually realize what he just agreed to, catching him by surprise. A promise’s a promise, dude, can’t go back on one !

Unlike many others, he won’t let his hair loose just so you can have the pleasure of playing with it. Xaldin will probably give you like 10 minutes cause he has better things to do than to watch you use his hair as a moustache. If you’re brave enough to go for the sideburns, he’d p a n i c and get slightly flustered cause that shit tickles - but he’d try to endure it until you’re done.

Vexen :

I’m torn between Vexen never noticing whenever someone touches his hair cause it’s suuuper long and he just doesn’t give two fucks about it. Or him being hella aware of it cause LONG LOOSE HAIR IN A LAB IS A DANGER HAZARD AND A CATASTROPHE WAITING TO HAPPEN. So I g u e s s I’ll go with the l a t t e r.

Vexen is used to having his hair toyed with because of Zexion (the boy could be a little r a s c a l when he wanted) so he’s not even surprised when you ask him. Well, okay maybe a little. He’d tell you to do as you please, as long as you don’t distract him from work - in the end, he’d enjoy the feeling of your fingers running through his hair ! Maybe he’ll let you do that more often. Y’know, for s c i e n c e.

Lexaeus :

Lexaeus has no problem letting you play with his hair. His only concern is finding a decent position for you to reach his head, without him having to b r e a k his back bending or you having to do some sick parkour. Once that’s settled, you can do whatever you want while he just silently observes or solves one of his puzzle thingies.

Even though neither of you are talking, the atmosphere it’s pretty pleasant and lighthearted. Sometimes you just call out his name from time to time, to make sure he hasn’t fallen asleep lol. Like Luxord, Lexaeus also thinks this situation is kinda comical - like come on he’s the biggest dude in the Organization and here he is, having his hair played with.

Zexion :

At first he’d be startled and cower away in surprise like “e x c u s e me?? WHAT are you doing ?”. Like he’d gladly let you play with his hair, but he’s not used to people touching him so suddenly - just try to give him a heads up the next time. At first it’ll be awkward, cause he just c a n ‘ t stop fidgeting around, extremely aware of the sudden intimacy and closeness of the situation. No he’s definitely not blushing, get some g l a s s e s.

It might take some time for Zexion to get used to it. Mostly cause he feels so n a k e d with the other half of his face exposed - He’ll have his nose buried in his lexicon to avoid eye contact. I can see him totally warming up to the idea and just letting you mess with his hair while he reads a book outloud for the two of you.

Saix :

If you try to ask for permission, Saix will probably say no, so just go for it and pray that he rolls with it. Surprisingly, he does ! Well, more like he hasn’t bitten your hand off - yet. If he’s in a bad mood, prepare for some q u e s t i o n i n g. A half-assed smart sounding explanation will do the trick. If he’s in a good mood, he’ll let you do your thing as long as you don’t distract him too much.

Most likely to purr or just make barely audible b u t hella cute little noises when you play with his hair (i’m getting Saix Puppy flashbacks now, great) You could probably get away with making little cute braids and he won’t notice at all. Try not to be in his field of vision once he does cause he’ll go b e r s e r k on your ass and take away your hair fiddling privileges.

Axel :

Kinda reluctant. He’d poke fun at your eagerness to play with his hair to cover the fact that he’s KINDA embarrassed about this. Probably will let you have your way but only if you two are alone at the Clock Tower - he doesn’t want Xion or Roxas to try and imitate you if they see you. Like come on, there’s a r e p u t a t i o n here to mantain !

Thanks to the latest KH3 trailers we’ve confirmed that his hair is not just a bunch of deadly spikes stuck with hot glue to his head, but instead it’s S O F  T. So yes, playing with Axel’s hair is f u n - even with that permanent scent of fire and burning wood he emits. He likes to see what kind of new style you can come up with. Manbun ? Pigtails ? Braids ? Valid. He’s partial to the low ponytail and will often wear it around the castle.

Demyx

Will strongly refuse at first - mostly cause he puts a L O T of time and gel ever day to perfectionate …whatever the fuck his hair even is. And he doesn’t want you ruining it ! With enough nagging and puppy eyes, Demyx will eventually give in and let you do whatever you want. Okay but his hair has a w e i r d texture with all the products he uses ?

Your hand will probably get stuck there too, so you better wait until like, he takes a shower to wash it all off. THEN you can just play with that fluffy mane. Demyx looks like a completely different person with his hair down, so he’ll be a bit hesitant, afraid you’ll laugh at him - but then he’d discover that he l o v e s when you play with his hair ! He’d pester you to do that whenever you two hang out cause it’s so relaxing.

Luxord :

His first reaction is to just laugh. Well, y’know not a full blown laugh but like a Polite Amused British Chuckle™. W h a t could you possibly want to play with ? He doesn’t have crazy long hair like most of the members in the Organization so he finds this kinda silly - buuut if you’re up for a quick game, he might just indulge you. Only if you win of course.

…Obviously, he lets you win. But you c a n ‘ t really complain about it cause now you get to play with his hair ! Huzzah ! Luxord is a talker, so he’ll just ramble on and on about how endearing and funny this situation is, joking about how lucky you are to have this privilege and b l a h b l a h. You don’t have to worry cause you’ll soon start to hear his light snores.

Marluxia :

Marluxia takes pride in his hair and overall appearance, so he k n o w s how badly you wanna play with that p i n k fluffy mane. If you’re gentle, he’ll gladly grant you the honour of touching it, enjoying your little surprised gasps and hearing you mutter things like “so fluffy and soft !” under your breath. It doesn’t matter if you’re his S/O, he’ll never tell you his secrets !

But he will give you some unsolicited tips and advice on how to take care of yours cause that’s just how he is. His smug and condescending attitude slowly dissipate as he starts to relax, though. Like the others, he m i g h t start to doze off while you do your thing, but Marluxia will try to keep up his cool façade - brushing you off with the excuse of being busy, with the sleepiest expression on his face.

Larxene :

Y e a h - No. Larxene refuses to be seen without her iconic hairstyle, she’ll let you play with those w e i r d antennae she’s got going on but that’s it. Take it or leave it. You don’t know if this is just normal or if she does it on purpose, but sometimes you feel a little s h o c k whenever you reach out for those two strands of hair. But hey, you’re the only one allowed to get that close to Larxene so, kudos to you.

You c a n, however, play with her hair while she sleeps ! Don’t worry about waking her up, she’s a heavy sleeper. Unless you come in banging pots and shit, she’s not waking up any time soon. Larxene will unconsciously lean into your touch, her face visibly softening while you mess with her thin locks. Just never tell her that you do this or she’ll forbid you from entering her room ever again.

Roxas :

Roxas is c o n f u s e d, he’ll move away on instinct and ask if you were trying to pull a prank on him or if you stuck something to his hair. When you tell him that you just like playing with it because the spikes are fun to touch, he’ll pout and get slightly flustered - but will let you continue anyway. It doesn’t matter how hard you try to mess up his hairstyle, it always returns to it’s original s t a t e. It’s like m a g i c.

Since you started doing that, he’s noticed he has been paying more attention to his hair. Roxas never cared about appearances, but the fact that you like something so specific as his hair pretty much inflates his ego a bit. He’d put a little bit more care into it, spending more time in front of the mirror every morning - lowkey hoping you’d notice.

Xion :

Also confused, but instead of stopping you, Xion would imitate your actions - twirling one of your locks around her finger with an amused smile on her face. After a while she’d innocently ask “what exactly are we doing?” and you’ll have to explain the entire concept to her between laughs.

When you tell her that you like playing with her hair, she’d totally blush and feel a bit self-conscious. What if your hands get tangled in a knot or something ? Did she brush it properly ? Wait - She doesn’t even have to with how short it is ! Maybe she should try letting it grow - But yeah, Xion would l o v e this. She’d sit on your lap or between your legs letting you make little braids and whatever while you two chill and talk during breaks.

[mightypocketcow]

Pooh Characters as Queer Environmentalists

No seriously.  I had a very vivid dream involving all the Winnie The Pooh characters as a group of enthusiastic (and queer) environmentalists who meet once a week to talk about environment things because they’re nerds.

Starring Christopher Robin, Pooh, Tigger, Rabbit, Kanga, Roo, Gopher, Eeyore, and Piglet.

·       Christopher Robin

o   33 years old

o   Head/leader/founder of the Environmentalist Group

o   Really interested in saving the whales

o   Chill dude, but kind of an airhead

o   Everyone thinks he’s some kinda office worker

o   One day someone accidentally found out that he’s the CEO of some green-planet organization and runs this group for fun to see what kinds of ideas he can get and to see what people think of environmentalist efforts

o   He always credits people for their ideas, but people assumed that he just worked for the company, not that he ran the damned thing

o   A pansexual icon

o   Has been to every single pride event that their city has ever had

o   Rumour has it he started the pride events

o   Wilder rumour has it he threw the first stone at the Stonewall Riots

o   Even wilder rumour has it that he’s an immortal vampire who survives on the blood of homophobes

o   He won’t deny any of these rumours but has yet to confirm it

o   Has a genderqueer partner that literally nobody has met

o   Seriously, not even Pooh

·       Pooh

o   29 years old

o   Really wants to save the bees

o   Like, REALLY wants to save the bees

o   Vegetarian, but because he doesn’t like meat

o   Massive sweet tooth; dentists hate him!

o   Ace/Aro

o   Loves children, wants to adopt his own someday

o   Babysits Roo all the time

o   Kanga and him are best friends

o   He brings little sweets for Roo every meeting

o   Perhaps a little bit of a pothead but he’s not addicted

o   He just smokes a joint once in a while to chill out

o   A stereotypical “make love not war” hippie

o   Nice to everyone all the time

o   Cries when someone is mean to him

o   Gets uncomfortable when people hit on him

o   Christopher’s little brother

o   A visual artist; uses lots of colours and sells his art at galleries and markets

·       Tigger

o   27 years old

o   ADHD

o   Like SUPER ADHD

o   Gay

o   Hit on Pooh once but when Pooh got uncomfy he backed off

o   Thought maybe Pooh was uncomfortable with gays and was confused and sad

o   When he found out Pooh was Ace/Aro he totally understood

o   They’re good friends now

o   Really wants to save rainforests and trees

o   A freelance writer; his books are elementary school Magic Treehouse shit

o   Very much into fantasy shit, his non-children’s series’ lore is always the deepest mindfuck ever, how the hell did he even come up with that

o   Bestselling author tho

o   Kinda famous tbh but he doesn’t like media attention

o   He just thinks everybody should have fun all the time

o   Does he vape? Probably.  Has anyone ever actually seen him do it?  No.

o   Does he sleep? Probably.  Has anyone ever actually seen him do it?  Once.

o   Kanga caught him powernapping when she came into one of the first meetings really early, but all she did was put a blanket on him and leave to go to the convenience store or something to stay out for a bit longer so he could rest

o   He didn’t know who it was until a bit later he figures it was her since she’s always knitting and it was a very pretty knitted thing

o   That’s his momma figure now

·       Rabbit

o   25 years old

o   Vegan and very in-your-face about it

o   “Bugs are important to the ecosystem but boy do I hate them in my garden”

o   Scifi enthusiast

o   Post-apocalyptic things slightly terrify him because he believes that’s how the world is gonna go

o   A bit of a conspiracy theorist

o   Genuinely believes the government is vaguely spying on everybody

o   Did Bush do 9/11?  Who knows… but the moon landing was real, and the earth is round, don’t be dumb

o   Just identifies as queer, doesn’t like labels

o   A very organized person but when he’s very upset perfectionism scares him bc he thinks he’s not ever gonna be good enough and will mess things up on purpose

o   Has a long-distance boyfriend

o   A farmer

·       Kanga

o   38 years old

o   Divorced trans woman

o   Has a 5 year old son that she fostered as a baby and adopted when he was 4

o   Recycles aggressively

o   Calls everyone “dear”

o   Uses reusable bags and plastic containers all the time

o   Knits a lot, everybody always gets scarves or mitts or hats for Christmas

o   Usually in the design of ‘planet earth’, but also makes pride flag designs and takes requests for fave colour schemes

o   Vegetarian but not aggressive ab it like Rabbit is

o   You know what she is a bit aggressive about? Recycling

o   If you throw something that’s recyclable in the garbage in front of her...

o   Lord help you

o   Last man who did that was never seen again

o   Okay that’s a lie, he was seen two weeks later

o   But he was advocating for a save the whales organization on the side of the road and wearing all thrift store clothing

o   She traumatized him into throwing himself into the environmentalist pit headfirst

o   Thinks Gopher is just a big softie; is the only one who is super nice to him all the time (besides her son, and Pooh who is nice to literally everyone)

o   Kinda has a thing for the grumpy man but won’t admit it

o   She’s like an accountant or something, nobody knows what she does for a living but she seems to be well-off

·       Roo

o   The adopted 5 year old son

o   A little bit spoiled, but not just by Kanga, by everyone in the group

o   Loves sitting in on the meetings

o   His first sentence at 15 months was “recycle that!”

o   Loves blue because of recycle bins

o   Literally wears nothing but blue

o   Will accept things that are less than 100% blue as long as its more than 50% blue

o   Also likes things with pink on them

o   Thinks Tigger is the coolest person ever

o   Doesn’t understand all of Tigger’s books but reads them anyway

o   Except the non-children’s ones of course

o   Reads everything he can get his hands on

o   Don’t let him get his hands on anything inappropriate for a 5 year old

o   Asks a lot of questions

o   Everyone adores him

o   His mama is his favourite person on the planet but also Mr Tigger is so cool

o   He likes Mr Gopher too, he thinks Mr Gopher is great because of “how happy Mama is when he’s around”

·       Eeyore

o   23 years old

o   Has depression

o   Trans boy

o   Just really wants friends

o   Wants to help the planet

o   Is a massive pessimist that thinks the world is doomed

o   Very smart boy

o   Talks about CO2 emissions and carbon taxes

o   A university student studying some kinda chemical engineering

o   Very quiet

o   Bit of a crush on piglet tbh

o   Has a big love for superheroes without powers because he loves the idea of things being solvable through hard work mixed with passion and technology

o   Except he doesn’t believe it because his depression makes him super pessimistic

o   Also a big tech nerd

·       Gopher

o   45 years old

o   Landlord of their meeting place

o   Grumpy ass old man

o   Sometimes people are grumpy right back to him and he’s ok with that

o   Actually a soft spot for these weird hippies and joins them sometimes but says its because he wants to make sure they’re not damaging the place (they know that’s a big fat lie but won’t say anything)

o   Will fight anyone who mocks them

o   Has actually fought someone who mocked them

o   Has not told them about said fight

o   Especially adores Roo

o   Thinks Kanga is a bit of an odd woman but also thinks she’s very pretty

o   Repressed bisexual

o   He thinks nobody knows he’s bi but eventually when he kinda mentions it he realizes everyone knows

o   Specifically, Piglet and Kanga are super supportive

o   He definitely actually has a crush on Kanga, who knitted him a bisexual flag scarf once

o   He wears it all the time but will vehemently deny that it’s the same scarf when called on it

o   Big brawny weirdo

o   Was a football player in college and can definitely bench-press everyone

o   Works construction now, which is why he’s still in good shape

o   Actually a brilliant man, can architect and calculate like nobody’s business

o   Will help Piglet with his mathematics homework in exchange for Piglet teaching him more things about the LGBT+ community

o   After a while he realizes that perhaps genderfluid fits him well but Piglet is sworn to secrecy

o   Has a daughter who is institutionalized for her mental health issues that grew beyond his care

o   Piglet reminds him of his daughter and he’s very protective

o   That’s why he legit fought that asshole who mocked the “little F****t hippies”

o   He was almost arrested for assault on that one actually

o   The cop was a buddy of his and 100% believed the “defense of those who can’t defend themselves” explanation that Gopher had

o   Got off with a warning and fined for “disturbing the peace” or some mundane BS

·       Piglet

o   21 years old

o   Gay and demiboy

o   Anxiety disorders through the roof

o   OCD

o   Recycling is a compulsion

o   Reducing energy consumption too

o   He checks his lights all the time

o   He walks or bikes everywhere

o   He says it’s to reduce CO2 emissions

o   He’s just scared of vehicles

o   Has some kinda PTSD but nobody knows the source

o   He got into a massive car accident when he was little

o   Because his father was angry and speeding

o   His mother died in the accident

o   But nobody knows this!  Someday he will tell them tho

o   Today is not that day

o   Tomorrow is not that day either

o   But someday

o   Crush on Eeyore

o   Also a university student

o   Studying mathematics because it makes sense to him

o   Gopher reminds him of his grumpy old gay uncle who died when he was in high school

o   Feels like he can actually not double-check or cross-reference anything that Gopher teaches him because he trusts him a lot

o   Still will sometimes check everything if he’s having a bad day

o   Gopher doesn’t mind, he understands that Piglet has a lot of anxiety issues

o   Has an exception in his uni file to be able to take twice as long on his exams and tests and get an extra few days for assignments because he checks every single answer 3 times

o   His OCD number is 3, everything is 3, he turns his lights on and off 3 times, etc

[swapasburmae1979-blog]

That said, as long as it relatively cold it also usually not a big problem to leave the salt on the car. Dry salt is no problem, wet salt will corrode. The paint is also not the real concern, it the exposed metal bolts, areas salty water can collect behind fenders, etc. But what principally struck us was a jaded and unhealthy looking though by no means plain girl at the writing table, who sat biting the feather of her pen and staring at us. I suppose nobody ever was in such a state of ink. And from her tumbled hair to her pretty feet, which were disfigured with frayed and broken satin slippers trodden down at heel, she really seemed to have no article of dress upon her, from a pin upwards, that was in its proper condition or its right place.. I'm beyond sad and angry. I can not trust him anymore. I can't afford to move out on my own yet, I'm trapped. I'll share my story with something similar there was what started as a whitehead on the middle of my nose. I thought glycolic acid or topicals can fix 칠곡출장마사지 it but it remained and got harder. After 2 months of getting annoyed with it bc it wouldn't go away, I went to get a facial by an esthetician who couldn't remove it, it was too hard to be extracted. How do you guys manage to compress footage size. I record with nvidia shadowplay (or whatever they calling it now) and the video size is always so huge. I use handbrake to re encode it with H265 and that reduces the size but it still too big, can anyone share his own "sweet spot" that reduces size but keeps the video watchable? Also I 칠곡출장마사지 don know how to only get the audio from the game instead of just getting the output of my sound device (audio from apps like discord isn always desirable) 1 point submitted 1 month ago. Similar to BDD, perfectionism has also been shown to produce post surgery dissatisfaction in patients. This refers to the perception or the requirement that oneself or others must actually be perfect. Comparing 16 cosmetic surgery patients to a demographically matched control group revealed that women who had cosmetic surgery scored significantly higher in perfectionism compared to the control group (Hewitt, Sherry, Baggley, Flett, 2007). You'll learn how to apply the various types of stain to get the best coverage, and what you need to do to after you've applied the stain. That's where furniture finishes come in. However, this type of finish actually soaks into the wood, so it is not ideal for all wood types. Remi doesn treat people like that though? So it his choice to act that way. Stop defending a guy who wanted to brutalize a guy just for trying to befriend him. His code yeah so pretty much "i will beat the shit out of you if you dont do what i want you to do" makes no sense how you could see that as decent. "Critics who treat as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms. Yet you want to be called mom, mother, grandma. You have taken away what it means to be a mother. Hypothetically it would be heavily dependant on what the children wanted and what their relationship was like with him. "Although Cotton Mather was a very important figure in Boston at the time, and people listened to him, most of the community was opposed to this idea for a couple of reasons," says Niven. "One is because this was a practice the Africans used it wasn't used in Western Europe at the time, and people were very wary of that. Secondly, there was a newspaper in Boston called "The New England Courant" run by Benjamin Franklin's older brother, James.

[autistic-girl-academic]

eh whatever here’s those su rewrite ideas i had last night

okay so first of all tweaking the main three cg’s personalities/giving them more equal focus, they could each have a big emotional problem that steven helps them get over.

give garnet more of a thing about inheriting a leadership role with rose gone and struggling with that, like an extension of the future vision worries where she thinks she has to be more aloof to be ‘strong’ but really can’t do that 24/7 and needs to have her vulnerable moments.

take the soft sad gay thing they’re trying to do with blue diamond and give that to pearl, cause rose died incredibly recently for potential immortal aliens like them. have her struggle with speaking up for herself and such because with the rebellion over she doesn’t know what her purpose in life is (the whole “i was designed to be a servant” deal would be handled better this way i think instead of how it was in like the sardonyx episode).

bring out how much more amethyst enjoys human life than the other two. between that and being a kindergarden reject, does she feel like a ‘real’ gem the way steven sometimes questions his humanity? have her be the main link to the minor human characters next to steven - more than just vidalia, she knows like everyone in beach city.

then fusion tweaks:

opal becomes a thing about how pearl (ingrained traditionalist, but meek/unintentionally passive-aggressive) and amethyst (free spirit, defiant, wants to break norms but also feels like an outcast for doing so) find a middle ground. i love opal but i think she fuses a bit too easily sometimes? idk

SUGILITE. change like this entire episode. maybe the homeworld tower thing that they fuse to break has like a defense mechanism or something and sugilite gets amnesia (bc the part about losing the old identities makes much less sense for garnet and amethyst as sug than, say, lapis and jasper as malachite); steven and pearl have to help her remember with all the reasons they loved garnet and amethyst. and maybe add a little thing about how both parties want to hide their insecurities in the fusion, like sardonyx but much less yikes.

SARDONYX oh boy. maybe make her episode more about overwork/perfectionism. instead of pearl tricking garnet into fusion by rebuilding the tower, there’s some kind of trick to it they can’t figure out, so they keep having to reform even as it tires them out, as much as gems can be tired. again like with sugilite, the crux of the issue is that both gems are hiding their fear of making mistakes under sardonyx’s confident facade. then maybe they don’t handle it well at the end of the episode, blaming each other, and their reformation after keystone motel (which i guess in this rewrite, ruby and sapphire splitting would be triggered by garnet reaching max self-doubt) isn’t “pearl says she’s worthless and garnet says she’s not” but “garnet and pearl admit their mistakes and reaffirm what they admire in each other”. i rly like focusing on the cg’s friendships okay.

and that was the meat of what popped into my head last night but here was some extra little stuff

remove the episode where pearl wants to go home because it really makes no sense in light of what we know about homeworld, or like change it so it’s about steven wanting to go into space instead, maybe he finds an old gem ship and kind of takes off accidentally (but also at a point where he’s wondering where he really belongs + frustrated that he doesn’t know a lot about homeworld) and has to find a way back/to communicate with the gems for help

change steven’s racist uncle into, like, agent mulder. he’s a low-ranking Men in Black expy guy and that’s why greg hasn’t seen him in a long time, plus y’know hiding the alien wife. steven and greg are worried about all those movies where aliens get dissected and stuff and think he’ll hurt them but uncle just really thinks aliens are cool and wants to meet them. and then the twist is that the men in black stand-ins have low-key known about the cgs for ages or something.

instead of banishing them to the barn, have lapis take breaks to go off on trips exploring nature to heal and reacquaint herself with her love of water. have peridot like apprentice with bismuth (who rly needs like an entire post to herself). also change peridot from being short since we have too many short cgs, make it so she just actually has missing limbs or smth and gets to choose a middle ground between “homeworld forced these enhancers on me bc they don’t tolerate how i really am” and “my enhancers are my comfort objects” by letting her build her own and decide when to use them