#be honest lol

[rawwithlove]

✨to die 4✨

🕷️🪦💀

[iamthekarmapolice]

admittedly I’m really drunk rn but I’ve gotta ask: do you secretly hate me

[glcriouspvrpose]

anonymous asked: 💕 + a name and my character will describe their relationship in 5 words or less ( wanda) ; @chaxsmagic​

“I’m not dead yet.”

[walkonsalt]

x

[cloudshapedpatch]

he's going to pick me up from work even tho it's past 1 in the morning so i don't have to wait for an uber gonna cry

[allegedly-human-uwu]

Existing on tumblr the past few weeks

[nyaslashthreat]

shout out to when i told my dad about goncharov and he figured out it was fake because i told him "1973 martin scorsese film with robert de niro" and he said that wasn't possible because the godfather came out in 1972 and the godfather part II came out in 1974 and they wouldn't have had time to make a movie in between. a perfectly good jest, foiled by this man's weird and vast knowledge set

[mel-kusanagi]

there's always a kiss scene that usually happens while the movie starts to end, right?

aka how beyond the spiderverse ends

[inkskinned]

so while i was writing the book, i became violently suicidal.

this was mostly due to the fact that i had a very bad reaction to some meds and my brain stopped producing any serotonin. also i was in the last semester of grad school where it's actually illegal to feel anything but dread. so it wasn't going well.

somewhere in the fog of it i became aware i needed help. nobody was taking clients or my insurance. i didn't want to do inpatient care - it wasn't right for my needs. there's not really an "in between" stage between "inpatient" and "no care," but i was trying to do the right thing. i was trying to activate the chain of command that was my emergency plan. i knew i needed help now.

i used betterhelp.

i know, i know. i'm a straight-A student and so smart and so clever, how could i ever use something so blatantly bad. to be honest with you, i didn't feel particularly keen on it from the getgo - things that seem too good to be true usually are. also, if something online is free, the price is usually your privacy.

the thing is that there was kind of a global pandemic happening at the time and i worked 5 jobs alongside of being a fulltime student and also like writing a book on the side. it is a miracle that i even thought about getting help. i would love to tell you i had the mental wherewithal to like, process whether this was the right choice for me. mostly i was desperate. i was so suicidal that i was trying to find a reason to stay inside of fortune cookies. i was the kind of suicidal that looks like splatterpaint. i hadn't been that bad in an entire decade.

they took my data. i gave them it freely. somewhere out there, they have a dossier on me. on everything i survived. my story in little datapoints, scattergraphed beautifully.

the first woman told me that really i should be grateful, because (and this is a direct quote): "at least you're not anne frank." i said that i felt that statement was antisemitic, as anne frank's life and experience shouldn't be compared to like, a nonbinary lesbian in western massachusetts. the therapist said that i should try to use lucid dreaming to try to picture myself in an actually scary situation, like running from nazis.

i applied for another therapist. i was willing to accept the possibility that there was a bad apple in the bunch. the next therapist and i even laughed about how inappropriate that statement was. and then, in our next session: the new therapist said if i was struggling with body image issues, i should just work harder on my appearance. she spent 3 sessions in a row talking about how she was grieving, and made me memorize facts about her grandmother so "she can live on through my clients."

i am a three's-a-charm kind of person. okay, so what if the last person made me uncomfortable. i figured it was just a misunderstanding of priorities - she had felt she was sharing with me, i had felt like i had to take care of her. i applied for another therapist.

the last woman asked me to help her pray. she bowed her head. i stared at her, frozen, while she said: lord, i beg you: cure her. take the pain of being gay away from her.

i spent somewhere between 2.5 and 3 months on betterhelp. in that whole time, i was not getting the professional help i so desperately needed, even though i was fucking trying.

in the end, i survived this because i finally could get off the meds that were literally killing me. a request for a real therapist finally went through. i survived because my friends saved my life. because nick let me sob myself dry in his arms. because maddie took the razors out of my room when i asked them to. because grace slept over in my bed for like 3 weeks in a row since nobody trusted me not to hurt myself when i was alone. i survived because i got fucking lucky. because even when i was desperately suicidal, i was too old and too self-aware to take "you need to be prettier" as good advice.

the thing is that there's a 19 year old me who isn't like that. who would have heard "just think about how grateful you should be" and said - oh, i see. i would have assumed that is what it means to be in therapy: the same thing my abusers used to tell me. that i am just pretending and lazy. that i am ugly and unworthy.

betterhelp positioned itself to take advantage of an incredibly vulnerable community. it preys on desperation. it knows it is serving people who are not doing well mentally. it saw that there is a huge need for real, immediate, compassionate mental health care: and then it fucking takes your money and privacy.

i still get their ads on instagram. last night i watched as a woman in a pool pretends to talk to a different woman. they discuss her anxiety.

there's a 19 year old version of me, and she didn't survive this. she was too tired, and drowning. i almost fucking died. this thing almost fucking killed me.

in the ad, the woman playing the therapist takes a note on a clipboard and then nods once, sagely.

i have to admit it's a pretty scene. the steam and light coming off the pool water lands on the actresses. like this, it almost looks baptismal, holy.

[necrytalkie1]

hu ming paintings

shooting practice (2004)

enemy coming and... (2005)

enemy invassion alarm (2006)

big ant (2006)

today, I took a rest (2007)

[wolvesbaned]

some guys from that bone book

[aeide-thea]

on principle opposed to describing art i dislike as 'masturbatory' because even though it's an alluringly contemptuous word to sneer it's impossible to reconcile with my pro-masturbation stance

[faglaios]

One of my pet peeves about how people talk about laios is the joke that he’s “never masked a day in his life” and like. Tbh real lol, I’ve made that joke before too . But the issue comes from when people say it seriously, and i think it’s important to note that laios was masking for, like, at the very least the entire time his party had been together before the start of the series. Namari, toshiro, chilchuck, and marcille were all shocked and weirded out upon him talking about the idea and act of eating monsters, and the latter two continuously poke at him for his interest in monsters in general, something that likely hadn’t been happening before.

Hell, he even has a line confessing his special interest in monsters, making it the first time he was actually open about it

This isnt to say he didn’t talk about monsters before, as we see later with namari telling mr tance that laios is the one to listen to when it comes to them

The Touden Party was infamous for being extremely skilled in the dungeon, and a large part of that was because of laios’s knowledge on monsters, but there were never any rumors or talk of one of the leaders being weird, even when its noted once or twice that word travels fast in the dungeon world

All of this to say, its extremely nice that we get to see laios when he isnt masking, because he doesn’t have to anymore! He gets to indulge in his interest to quite literally the fullest extent and all he has to worry about is some light teasing as his friends get more used to it over time

[xx-sketchy-xx]

Poor poppy, a three tiered cake is simply not big enough!

[radiantrice7]

the favs