#because i'm starting to realize just how attached I am to our characters and how thin our chances actually are

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not texting my friend?

To be clear I have no intention of cutting off this person, I will not block or ghost them, and if they text me I WILL answer and not be dry or lame about it.

I just won't be the one to start any conversations.

Moving on:

The story is super complicated but I'll try to keep it coherent.

Three people in the story (fake names):

Me (20)

Alex (16) - friend

Luck (16) - younger sibling We are all the same gender.

Something to keep in mind about me: I have always been very sheltered, naive and distracted, people have told me so and the more I learn the more I realize how ignorant I am. So I have very little experience, perception and knowledge of worldly things. This makes it difficult for me to keep up with people my age and I spend most of my focus on stories I like to write. It's not an excuse for anything and I'm actively working to be better.

Something that doesn't contribute much to the story but may be nice to know: Pretty much everything happens online, I've only met Alex in person like 4 times for birthday parties and stuff.

Now the story: I met Alex three years ago during covid when I was doing school online (I was 17 and Alex and Luck were 13). I was introduced to Alex through my younger sibling. Luck added me to a group chat with a bunch of their classmates, and I got popular really fast. Alex took a particular liking to me, because they thought i was funny and we had many of the same hobbies. So Alex was the first of Luck's friends to start a chat with me directly. Alex was always online and so was I, so we ended up talking alot, like all the time. I noticed Luck got kind of jealous, and that was when I began to wonder if the friendship was right, but I did nothing about it.

Eventually Alex and I started writing a story together, it's something I try to do with all of my close friends and we got really into it. A big rule that I have is that the real world and fiction are separate, under no circumstances are they to entertwine, especially emotionally (ex. I have never and will never insert myself in a story or daydream, not even if reality sucks for me at that time) Alex was different, they got attached to the characters. So there I am, obsessed with progressing the story's plot, and I kill off one of my characters. Alex expresses discontent, but not much. It's through Luck that I find out later that Alex had been crying about it for days. I felt bad and brought the character back, and life went on.

A year and a half into our friendship and Luck seems to have gotten over her jealousy, while Alex and I spend more time writing and focusing on the story than anything else. There are some signs in the rare times that Alex and I talk about life that it become apparent that Alex is going through a rough time, but I don't think too much about it since the story is all that's on my mind. On top of this there's school and whatever.

One day Alex starts asking for breaks from story writing and plotting, and I agree without a fuss. It gets me thinking a bit more, and after a couple more days during a conversation about the real world Alex sends a long paragraph about how horrible things are. (I won't explain what exactly these horrible things were for privacy reasons) Now I realize how inconsiderate I've been so far and I tell Alex that I'm there to support them in whatever they need. I spend pretty much all of the next year texting them every hour of every day and this is what happens:

At the beginning of our friendship our conversations flowed wonderfully, we shared our achievements and showed genuine interest in each other's lives. But things changed and by this point In the story our conversations go like so:

Me: (asks a question) Alex: (responds) Me: (reacts to response) Alex: (dry response) -Repeat infinitely-

Aside from that we would always say goodnight and Goodmorning to each other.

One time. Only one. Alex texted me asking for help and I didn't see the message until hours later. I never really forgave myself for that.

At this point I'm 19 and Alex is 15, and it suddenly crosses my mind how our friendship might be perceived by others. I considered Alex another younger sibling, but with all the crazy things happening in the world I wondered what others would think. In the end I concluded that Alex needed me and it didn't matter. So life goes on. My entire life revolves around helping Alex, when I'm not texting them I am worrying, my own problems come second. My whole family thinks I'm addicted to my phone. I'm always tired and stressed. The stories were put on pause.

Time passes and soon I'm turning twenty. I'm starting to think I can't do it anymore, our friendship has turned kind of codependent (I didn't even know what that was until a month ago). I consider ghosting many times, changing my number, blocking, but only for a couple minutes at a time and I always hate myself for thinking it afterwards. I keep talking to Alex, but sometimes I'll answer a bit slower. Let them wait 3-5 minutes instead of 1-2, if I really steel myself I can hold back for 7 minutes.

One day without warning Alex doesn't text me at all. They've dissapeared before but never without sending a quick message to let me know about it, not until this day. Their status also worries me, only one word: "gone". There I am internally freaking out, losing it, trying to come up with reasons for which everything is fine. I don't ask Luck if they know anything because I know they'll get annoyed. It's not until late the next day that Alex lets me know they went a roadtrip. I tell them "I was worried lol" and immediately they ask why. I wasn't expecting an apology but the question struck me as weird, so I was reluctant to answer. Alex pushes for an answer, they haven't been this interested in what I've had to say for years. I with horror I realize that they liked that i was worried, they wanted to milk it as much as they could. I understand that people need validation, but I was already constantly complementing Alex and telling them how important they were. The fact that they preferred my panic (though in Alex's defense I never told them I was panicking) hit me hard. I didn't elaborate on why I was worried. Alex got upset. And i spent the next hour sobbing over my phone, realizing i needed some distance.

I started slow. I wouldn't say goodnight somedays, others I would forgo a Goodmorning, but I always answered (I swore to myself never to leave Alex on read). I went on a trip and I decided I would enjoy it for once, so I let Alex know i couldn't text much. Nevertheless this lack of contact didn't keep me from worrying and wondering endlessly.

After the trip we kept texting less, we expressed missing each other but neither of us did too much to keep things going. I tried to focus on my in-person relationships, and friendships with people my age. I went back to stories and published a novella.

Nowadays Alex and I talk maybe once every week and a half. The conversations are excruciating. Alex tells me how things still suck, my usual words of comfort seem to mean nothing to either of us anymore. Alex leaves me on read as soon as the conversation goes dry, usually after ten minutes worth of conversation, sometimes over the span of many hours. We don't talk again until I cave in and say hello. Then a couple days later Alex says hello. And then it's up to me again, and every time I tell myself I won't do it.

Luck has told me their opinion of Alex, they saw way before I did how self-centered Alex is. The thing is Alex doesn't do it on purpose, I am entirely sure of that and so is Luck. Luck treats Alex nicely but they're out of touch, more than I am. I am not mad at Alex. I still care deeply for them, but I feel like there's nothing I can do andour old dynamic just hurts both of us. Cutting them off is not an option, they're just a kid and I'm better than that. So I just don't start a conversation.

A couple days ago Alex texted me (even though it was my unspoken turn to text first) and we talked, and the conversation wasn't dry at all, and it wasn't that painful to deal with. They showed interest in my life and shared some sad stuff but also happy stuff about theirs, and it felt like old times. We texted the entire day. At one point the they mentioned that I could text them whenever I wanted, and I felt an underlying petition that I do. The conversation went on and eventually they left me on read the next morning when I answered a message from the night before.

Ever since then I've been actively holding back from texting them but I can't help but wonder if I'm a jerk for it.

These aren't even all the factors but this post has gotten too long lol.

So AITA?

[kyotosummer]

A Different Perspective - Stella, Stolas, and Octavia

This is a really weird moment of the trailer, to me. I spent a lot of time thinking how Octavia could still think Stolas doesn't love her.? It doesn't make sense - we've seen time and again that Stolas gives her attention, so why does she still doubt this?

So I thought and thought and thought... and then I started thinking about another question - WHY is this line in the trailer? I mean, this whole trailer's about how much Blitz hates himself and their complicated relationship - so why is Octavia butting into the middle of this with her whining about not being loved enough??

More under the cut - I implore you to read before commenting on the above.

.............. wow, did I just get really annoyed about a TEENAGER whose upset because she doesnt feel like her dad's giving her attention? Wh- what the hell? Why is this show making me feel that way?

And why am I not this annoyed by Loona?? Arent they supposed to be similar characters? She also has a million more issues going on than Octavia. It's rather obvious, with all the time and attention the show gives her....

.....actually, the show gives Loona a lot of attention. We see her at her job with her dad, her backstory and how much Blitz attached to her.

I mean, we all saw how Loona was when she was locked up in that Hell Hound Pound. Thank goodness Blitz is around to hype her up and.... give her.... the attention...... she needs.......

huh.

Come to think of it.... huh.

The only time I remember Stolas giving Octavia attention was when he took her to Lulu Land.... as a distraction from his wife.

and even then.... he didnt listen to her wishes about not wanting to go - he just dragged her along......

...and he brought Blitz to flirt with. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, Stolas really only paid attention to Octavia when she ran away and started crying.

Oh, but then there was the lovely moment about the fireworks! Which... started because Stolas was busy with his divorce and forgot about the once-in-a-1000 year event with his daughter.

And while Blitz's job is an odd one, he's teaching his craft to Loona. She is incredibly capable at her job and can do it solo. She's also the one Blitz trusts most with the Grimoire.

When Stolas found Octavia in the fireworks episode, he lectures her about using the book when he hasn't taught her spells yet. SHE'S IN HER LATE TEENS???? HIS STUDIES STARTED WHEN HE WAS A CHILD????

......Holy shit, actually.

Finally, in regards to Stella - yes, she's a bitch who finds pleasure in tormenting Stolas....

and yet.... she goes out with Octavia on the weekends. It seems to be implied this was a weekly thing, even prior to the divorce.

And, like, outside of Stolas's perspective and her hiring a man to murder her husband.... do we... do we know her?

I mean, sure, this was both our and Stolas' first impression of her as a child:

But there could easily be way more context to this than what the audience knows. We only see this picture and then Stella as an adult. She also didn't seem particularly hateful with Stolas during scenes when Octavia was a child - she just, at most, steals the blankets and grumbles the same as she does about who has to get up.

Just as Stolas had to grow up knowing he's going to marry a wild woman he didnt want, Stella had to grow up knowing she was going to marry a man who didnt want her.

She might have tried. We haven't seen a lot of her outside of her fights with Stolas, and I do wonder if part of her resentment is that she did actually try, and Stolas just.... never responded to her outside of obligation.

Either way, after going through these thoughts.... I've come to realize - Octavia may not understand everything, but she may actually have a point. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[funnylovepuppis]

I should probably shut up about it because there is so many other people talking about it. But I can't stay silent about it. I can't stress enough how upset and uncomfortable I am with being here in buddie fandom right now.

As a bisexual myself, I agree with the importance of its representation in mainstream media. Especially when it comes to male characters, who are really low in static speaking. We can all agree on this, and hopefully, we can all see it. I'm really thrilled about Bi Buck's journey and about finding his happiness. He's not fixed, he just found out about his other sides he never knew they were existed before. As @m3r1m4r5u333 said in their post, bisexuality is not a personality, just a small piece in whatever color that is a part of many more pieces of soul. Buck, like many real-life people, is trying to figure out himself. I honestly don't think that self-journey will ever stop, not just on sexuality but on many other things. That's how living is, right? So yes, it's very exciting and kind of carefree for him, and I'm truly happy. He deserves it big time after all that he has been through. And I really think that Tommy is genuinely the right person for him at the moment.

But aside from me being bi, I'm also demisexual. Honestly it's more than that for me, because besides the need for emotional connection before sexual intimacy, I need some degrees of emotional connection before even getting into dating. So as you can see, I'm very much attached to Buck and Eddie relationship. I'm mostly finding myself a lot in Eddie's character. I do feel a lot of pressure on starting to date someone nowadays. And I'd probably be single for a long time because that's kinda how how people go to date. You meet someone you like and interested to explore the romantic dynamic and that someone is a completely stranger to you so it's kind of scary and stressful.. I'd rather be someone's friend and then lover..

Yes, best friends have a different kind of love than just two friends. That doesn't necessarily mean that it must have a romance subtext or under the surface, especially when it comes to two people of the same gender. And sure, all the things related to buddie are open to interpretations and any ways that people who see it differently are pretty legit.

We can argue about why things are the way they are. I can acknowledge that Eddie is not in the same emotional place as Buck, and it can be taking a long process for him, if at all, to realize his own feelings about himself and Buck. But at the same time, I can say that although it seems like Buck and Eddie communicate in a very healthy way, there's a sense of underground miscommunication that leaves both of them scared to make a move or talk about their deep feelings and observations on their own relationship. Because what they have is great, so why ruin it for a good change, right? And there is lots of evidence that saying buddie are partially soulmates. Having back from each other. Their reactions are when the other one is in a dangerous situation, such as the firetruck, the wall, the shooting, and the lighting strike. The will. The family moments of Buckley-Diaz. Going to each other's home as a safe place. The teasing from surrounding people about them. The jealousy. Their parallels to other couples on the show/

I guess I'm trying to say to the people who are feeling like some people are not very happy about Bucktommy because they are not appreciative of the new queer couple or the very fact that it's B-Buck canon. I understand the need for bi-representations and am happy to see that. It seems very worth the long wait for this. And yet, I want to say, give buddie stans time, including me. Because our feelings are legitimate and matter, too. It may come as rude or not excited about Bucktommy, but I think this is coming from being afraid and uncomfortable with how quickly many people from the fandom are shifting from Buddie to Bucktommy, even if they still believe in Buddie Endgame. Give us time to fall in love with this couple and connect with them. Give us time to warm up for them. Give us time because we have been attached to Buddie for 5 long years. We have been memorizing all of the episodes, plots, and quotes. Writing for 5 years, Buddie fics. Making beautiful gifsets and fan art.

Thank you for reading this if you have reached this far. 🩷

[coexistentialism]

I've talked about these things a lot on this blog, so a lot of this might be repeated things I've talked about before, but I've always said that I've described my experiences as "identity hyperfixations", where I latch onto things, even just Words that I find myself really liking, and an "identity" is "created" based around that Thing.

For some examples from my personal experiences!:

A lot of the time, these "identity hyperfixations" involve me latching onto media, particularly whatever current media we may or may not be interested in in the moment.

There's a game called Stray Gods: the Roleplaying Musical (pls play it omg pls-nJFNDSK). We were very attached to that game for a while when it came out and we found out about it. We particularly grew attached to the character Calliope and for about maybe 2 weeks or so? I thought about using the name Calliope at times, and I painted my nails yellow to match the color of her nails in the game. I wanted to dress like her and overall you can see where this is all going lmfao

Or recently where we were very attached to Splatoon (it's our main special interest, but the way we feel, play, and interact with the game and fandom and such online differs per parts!!) and 'I' identified as an octoling and just thought of myself with the name Octo, mostly as a placeholder because I couldn't think of anything better, but I grew to like it lmfao. Ofc I am always interested in Splatoon, but recently I was just much more interested in it and particularly interested in specific aspects and such, even ended up creating another blog, a Splatoon-centered blog that also functions as a sort of vent/DID-related blog (it's @annaki-octo if anyone wants to check it out lol)

You can, again, see where this is going. Incoming long post. Because I can never make a short post lmfao

I should also mention that, in the past, I often wouldn't actually ever use a different name, and I still don't, but I've more recently been doing that for a bit now because we're starting to get used to it and be okay with it and honestly it's been beneficial. But yeah, most of my life, I usually didn't outright actually use any separate names outwardly with people, and didn't even really realize that I was choosing different names for myself in the first place because I thought that I was just creating characters. And if I DID end up outwardly using a different name, it was excused as me choosing a different name because I'm trans or making up a "fake online pseudonym" for "privacy" reasons. It has never been any different to me than creating a character. It's still not.

This is basically EXACTLY what my experience is like, day-to-day/week-to-week/month-to-month.

They never really last long, and a new "identity hyperfixation" quickly follows, while the other one dies out.

And it usually goes like this, in the image above (it might be hard to read, sorry lol, but I'm describing it anyways so dw):

--- Concepts/ideas/etc. Pop Up Into My Brain:

May be thinking about the idea of using a different name

May be really invested in a new, or "re-new'd" interest (as in: something I liked in the past and I am now interested in it again after a long period of disinterest)

May prefer certain gendered terminology (or no, or different 'gendered' terminology), for example, boyfriend/girlfriend/partner (or something/anything else)

May prefer certain pronouns over others, and/or may struggle to know what kind of pronouns I like

May be thinking about changing our icon to something different than before (on Discord, Tumblr, etc.)

May be thinking about creating a new Tumblr side blog (with or without a ""fake name attached to it, definitely not an alter :)"" spoiler alert: it's usually an alter lmfao)

May or may not think about what it would be like the have a particular physical attribute(?), not sure how to word this lol, like I'll think about how I wished my hair looked a certain way, or sometimes if it's possible, I might actually do something to change my physical appearance somehow, even if it's just wearing a specific clothing piece, but sometimes it can be like with my Calliope example where I paint my nails a particular color, or I actually dye or cut my hair, etc... The possibilities can be endless and can even be much bigger changes, such as alters making the decision to go on HRT.

--- An 'Identity' Begins to 'Solidify'

May have found a name, or a 'placeholder name' to use

May like using a specific icon (on Tumblr, on Discord, etc.) or icons, or may like using icons with a common theme/visual appearance/etc. (such as using icons that feature the color blue a lot, or using icons of a specific character, etc.)

May become much more self-aware and confident in their existence

May or may not have created a new side blog, with or without a particular name attached to that blog

--- An 'Identity' Diminishes; start from the beginning

May no longer care for, or like, the previous name(s) or placeholder(s) names that we may have chosen

May no longer care for, or like, the previous icon(s) we used, the Tumblr blog(s) we may or may not have made, etc.

For as long as I can remember, this has been my experience with DID - or at least, NOW I understand that it's been DID all along.

And the cycle continues.

Nothing really ever "comes back." It's just "new" "identity" after "new" "identity" after "new" "identity" for me, day in and day out, week-to-week, month-to-month.

Not sure how to close off this post, but yeah lmfao

[elliespuns]

Hi

Just coming on here to clear up a couple things and mostly to apologize. I left the anon on the confessions account about your blog and the anon that got published mentioning your blog specifically was one I assumed would not be posted after seeing the confession page requirements (that say no user mentions will be published) after I had submitted it. I resubmitted an ask taking out any users and that anon was focused as a general point on accounts that I have seen scrolling through the Ellie tag on Tumblr (not your blog) that actually have posted really concerning and bordeline perverted things about young Ellie (ex weird sexual AI art of young Ellie, weird comments about Bella Ramsey not looking enough like Ellie/saying Ellie in part one of the game was more attractive) I have never seen a post from your blog that I thought was perverted and that is a point that I feel was worth reaching out through here about. I have thought that there is potentially odd tone used in some posts with younger Ellie where also your language sounds like an older writer but you have cleared that up and said all your good intentions with your recent post. I never intended to make you feel like you should leave Tumblr and I think you have contributed positively towards the tlou community on Tumblr I am just overly cautious and was trying to say a potential concern as in my main fandom group there has been a lot of really strange blog posts about characters on tumblr who are minors before. On tlou Tumblr and tikok I have come across many posts involving teenage Ellie in the hotel flashback of part 2 in weirdly objectifying ways and that is more so where the concern was based as at that point she was still a kid. Please don’t leave tumblr because of this and again I am sorry for the harm this has clearly caused as that was truly never my intention. There are blogs on here who do post things I find truly concerning but you are not one of them.

Um, okay, I did not expect this. I am completely stunned. In the best way possible. It surprises me that people who once wronged someone anonymously would stand up and take their time to explain or even apologize. 

I've checked the confessional blog again today, and the post is gone. I have no idea if it was you who made this happen, but anyway... thank you for coming through to apologize and get rid of the post that was making me look very bad for those who have never interacted with me. 

I realize it may look weird when my pfp is young Ellie and some of my 'thirsty' posts are about Ellie. To be honest, up until now, I'd never even thought about explaining that none of these posts have anything to do with her young self. Not even in a million years would I think that people would read such posts on my blog and think they were aimed at our kiddo.

Look, I know it'd be better to specify whether I'm talking about young or adult Ellie when sharing unhinged posts without pictures, but honestly, it'd feel over-the-top crazy to me.

Firstly, why would I try to disrespect or creep around the only character I've ever loved so much? Secondly, not only does specifying such details take the fun out of the content that is supposed to be spontaneous and cheeky, but it's also very restrictive.

This blog is a place I love coming back to; why would I even try to post anything concerning when I know how overly sensitive this fandom is? I don't even feel safe venting any of my opinions about the show here because it's so easy to get hate for thinking out loud, so why would I risk losing all the wonderful people who have been following me from the start by acting like a predator towards young Ellie?

And it's just so funny because I may be 30, but in reality, I'm shorter than Ellie, and I even look younger. So if anyone's molesting anyone, it's Ellie molesting me. (That's a joke, obviously). Why am I even explaining it?

As I said before, my consciousness is clear, and I have no problem attaching my real face to this blog because I know I've never shared anything discourteous or impertinent and never will. Do you really think this potato head would be capable of thinking profane things about baby Ellie? I don't even know what profane is (I do, but don't tell anyone).

Anyway, I was truly baffled and disappointed when I read the confession because I understood NOTHING. I kept thinking about it for a long time, and I couldn't get it out of my head that someone would go through my posts and feel off about the content they saw.

I don't want to spend my time overthinking every post before sharing because, god forbid, I use ONE specific word or phrase and everyone will think of me as a molester. 

I like to joke on my blog. I do that... a lot, actually. So most of my posts need to be taken with a grain of salt. Especially those that literally scream 'sarcasm'. So you either need to get used to my humor and understand I'm not always deadly serious (unless the topic requires it) or you need to unfollow and move along because I won't be apologizing for my passion to make posts based on my spontaneous thoughts. I don't want to tiptoe around people because there's always someone who doesn't like this and that.

I also think it's important to realize that Ellie (as a game character, not talking about the show) is a pixelated, fictional character. Not only don't I ever try to disrespect her, even though she's just a bunch of pixels, but she's also not real (even I'm shocked right now), so nothing anyone says about her online can really hurt her. Not the Ellie this blog is about.

I get that people get overprotective of her (I do too) because damn, it's so easy to forget that this girl doesn't exist in the real world, but to the point of hating, reporting, or harassing? I don't think that's right either.

Anyway, thank you for coming through. I appreciate it, and all is okay. I wonder who you are now. Oh, and if it was really you who requested the ugly post to be taken down, thanks for that too.

[dreamspiked]

under a cut because spoilers if you haven't finished. but...general thoughts regarding my gallagher's future portrayal/whereabouts

i don't much like the theory that gallagher just...ceases to exist outside the dreamscape (for obvious reasons) but i do realize that the gal we met is a virtual character created by "a fictionologist." it's not specified who, as far as i know. so i am, for now, going with the general theory he is still essentially gallagher, but perhaps that wasn't the name he started out with. the gallagher we saw in game, in golden hour, was just a projection. a 'meme' if you will, like how the watchmaker did with misha. a certain memory/projection of himself to insert into the plot without putting his own self in the dreamscape.

i also believe, with black swan's bit at the end sussing out clues for us to determine the "error" in our sweet ending, gallagher was truthful for the most part regarding his relationship with the watchmaker/the rise of the original penacony. i even toss around the theory he too was once on the express, maybe not a permanent tb, but there nonetheless - if only because he has a relationship with misha. and no one else could see him but the crew. but that's something to think about later.

i like to think he's older than he looks, thanks to something like long life species (highly leaning toward werewolf thanks to a tidbit from this movie event), but i also like to think he's not as attached to penacony as a whole, but rather his relationship with legwork, and this promise he made about bringing the express to penacony.

i'm still a little...confused? i guess. on how to approach the true philosophy of a fictionologist, but i get a vibe that gallagher keeps to his word about certain things; otherwise, his connections and ties are spread out, and ever-changing. ie; if the dreamscape collapses, it doesn't concern him. he did what he promised he would do, and now his "part" in that dream is over. in fact, i believe he's encouraged by the idea of it changing; "dedicated to fabricating, obfuscating, destroying, and erasing the histories of the cosmos."

tl;dr gallagher is still out there, but whatever he does next is up in the air.

i also have this fucking thought that he's related to hanunue, but i can't explain properly why. i just do.

anyway. he's tired.

[hollywoodxwhore]

Ours | Chapter 18

Colson x Presley (Original Female Character)

Synopsis: Presley and Colson fell in love accidentally, but they were meant to be. Now that all the obstacles have been removed, they're moving in together in LA. Now, they have all the time in the world for Colson to teach Presley all of the things he knows. This fic is the sequel to Mine, which can be found in my masterlist!

Warnings/Content: A little more angst but it's wrapping up I promise, mentions of suicide, mentions of panic attacks, mentions of not eating due to mental health issues, smut (18+), oral sex (f receiving), desperate sex, col coming in his pants, swearing, squirting, fluffy sweet aftercare

This is the final chapter of Ours (excluding the epilogue but it's super short) and I'm so grateful for everyone's love and feedback for this series. If you don't already know, there will be a third part and I'm so excited to write it. I hope you all love it!

Presley

I can’t believe I lost it that badly. 

I sleep for hours on Colson’s chest. When I wake up, he’s asleep, too, and I study his face, memorizing his features over and over again. The tightness in my chest is not normal. This is not just depression or anxiety. This is something deeper, and that really scares me. 

I wish like hell that it was easy to move past it, but how am I ever supposed to let go of the fact that if I hadn’t left Colson, he would never have put the wheels in motion to kill himself? How can he say it isn’t my fault – how can anyone say that? I know they’d all blame me if Colson had gone through with it. I can see it now – everyone trying to be sensitive at the funeral, but someone would lose it, point their finger at me, and say, “She’s the reason he killed himself!” 

God, I don’t want to have another panic attack. I’m already so weak and exhausted from the first one. My entire body hurts, my head throbbing. I haven’t eaten anything today, nor have I had any water, and I feel like almost every physical need anyone could have is plaguing me right now. 

But I can’t let go of my husband.

My mouth is so dry that I can barely breathe. My stomach twists with nausea, an ironic reaction to hunger, and my bladder is so full that it hurts. But despite all this, despite knowing my water bottle is right there on the table, that a toilet is right around the corner, I can’t get off of Colson. Jesus. Am I going to piss myself lying here because I’m so attached? Get it together, I say to myself, and even though it makes my blood pressure hike, I extricate myself from Colson’s arms. 

After emptying my bladder, I chug down half of my water bottle before taking a breath, and then I drink the rest of it. Colson starts to stir as I drink. He blinks his eyes open and then looks down at himself, eyes widening a little with worry when he doesn’t see me. He snaps his head over and relaxes as soon as he sees me. “Hey,” he rasps sleepily. 

“Hey,” I say, voice small. 

“Did you get some sleep?” he asks. He looks so endearing and adorable right now, his bleached hair all fluffy from sleep, his long eyelashes shadowing tired eyes. 

I nod. “Yeah. I’m starving, though,” I admit.

Guilt crosses Colson’s features for a millisecond. “You haven’t been eating,” he remarks, almost as if he’s just now realizing it himself. With that, he hops off the couch and lifts me into his arms. I can’t help but smile a little, wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck like a koala bear. 

Colson sets me on the countertop and pecks my lips softly before turning to open the fridge. “What sounds good?” 

I’m weirdly relaxed, despite what happened earlier. I’m not hiding anything from Colson anymore, and that in and of itself is a relief. “Anything,” I say.

Colson nods. “Got it.” 

Colson makes me crispy chicken cutlets, a salad, and garlic mashed potatoes. I’m shocked by how much I’m actually able to eat – two full plates. The food is incredible and I feel so much better after eating. We eat on the floor in the living room with a candle lit, passing a joint back and forth. We talk about everything but the bad shit, and before I know it, Col has me laughing and smiling. For the first time in forever, it finally feels like us again. Our journey is far from over, but what I do know is that I don’t have to do it alone. 

The next day, I sleep in. I wake up to the sound of Colson’s voice. He’s on the phone, clearly trying to be quiet, but I know he’s still in our bedroom because he didn’t want to leave me. 

“Thank you. Alright, bye,” he says, ending the phone call. He glances over at me and when he sees I’m awake, he comes over and crawls back into bed. “Hi, love,” he murmurs, wrapping around me.

“Hey,” I say, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. “Who was that?”

“My psychiatrist,” he says. “We’re going to go see her today and get you some help, okay?” His voice is gentle and so kind, and even though it's a little scary, I relax. 

“You’ll be with me, right?” I ask.

Colson nods, nuzzling into my shoulder. “Of course. I’m not going anywhere.”

We’re quiet for a moment and then I roll over in his arms and look up at him. He wears nothing but a pair of boxer briefs that hug his butt perfectly. I haven’t felt desire since the first day he came home, but all at once, it rushes in so intensely that I feel a little dizzy with it. Using my legs, I pull his thigh between mine. Colson arches a brow but lets me pull him closer.

“Baby?” he questions. He doesn’t need to, though. He knows me well enough to know exactly what I want. His throat bobs as he swallows. “Are you sure?”

I nod, suddenly feeling absolutely desperate for him. “I miss you,” I say quietly. “Just want to be close to you.”

“Don’t do it because you think it’s what I want,” he murmurs, tucking my hair behind my ear. “Just holding you is enough for me.”

Boldly, I slip my hand between our bodies and grip his cock, already hardening in his boxers. I arch a brow, smirking just a little. His words definitely don’t match his body’s reaction. “Well, it’s not enough for me,” I say, and with that, my husband’s eyes darken. I can see the moment when he gives in. 

“Then get on your back,” he says. I do as I’m told and Colson instantly disappears beneath the blankets. I let out a shaky breath in anticipation of what’s coming. Colson slips between my thighs, big hands lifting each one over his shoulder at a time. I fell asleep in a big t-shirt of his and no panties, and when he notices, the breath he lets out is so warm it makes me shiver.

I lift the blankets to look down at him and his eyes lock on mine, his pupils so wide the iris is almost invisible. He brings his gaze to my pussy and bites his lip as he studies me. When his thumb lightly brushes over my clit, my hips twitch and Colson chuckles low. “Sensitive,” he murmurs, and then he presses a kiss to the crease between my thigh and my pussy. I hold a whimper in my throat as my legs start to tremble with anticipation. Just having him between my legs has me so aroused that I’m sure I’m already wet.

Colson presses a tender kiss to my clit, sweet and loving, and the gesture makes my breath catch in my throat. His eyelashes flutter as his eyes close, and the next kiss is open-mouthed and wet and hot, as are the ones that follow. Just his kisses can undo me, can make me so wet that it ruins my panties, and when he kisses between my legs, it heightens the experience tenfold. Sparks fly, electricity zinging through my body at the sensations his talented mouth can bring.

When my husband moans with my pussy in his mouth, my spine arches off the bed and my hands fist the sheets, effectively dropping the blanket. I can't see him anymore so I scramble to push the comforter out of the way. The morning sunlight peeks around the curtains, illuminating his white-blonde hair and eyelashes. He is a devil that looks like an angel when he takes care of me and I don’t think I’ll ever get over the way he affects me.

I gasp when Colson’s hands brace beneath my thighs and shove them up, lifting my lower half off the bed. His dark eyes lock on mine as he moves his tongue lower, swiping over everything before returning to my clit. I tense up, a little surprised. We’ve of course had anal, but he’s never had his mouth anywhere near my ass. I never saw the appeal; why do that when I have a much more sensitive clit right there? But it’s so erotic and almost…forbidden and it takes my breath away. Colson repeats his motions, moaning against me before his tongue lands on my clit and twists around it in circles.

“H-holy fuck,” I choke out, shoulders lifting off the bed in response to the pleasure. My stomach is rock hard with tension, so hard that I’m starting to tremble. Colson can’t stop moaning against my pussy and the vibrations are making me see stars. The room heats and my vision starts to flutter around the edges. I’m practically hyperventilating as he has his way with me, showing me just how perfectly he can use his mouth.

Half of me wants to beg him to put his fingers inside me, but I’m curious to see if he can actually get me to come without putting anything inside of me. If he can do it with just his mouth. As his plush lips close around my swollen clit and suck as his tongue continues to work, my stomach starts to knot up, telling me that, yes, my husband can make me come with just his mouth.

“Cols,” I practically wheeze, grabbing a handful of his hair. “Holy shit, baby, ‘mgonna come.” My words slur together; I’m drunk with pleasure as my pussy starts to clench around nothing. My heart races and I let my head fall onto the pillow as tingles creep up my spine and my stomach ties itself in such a tight knot that it almost hurts. And then, the knot explodes in my belly as I let it all go.

My body moves erratically beneath his mouth, even as his hands hold my hips down. I sob at the pleasure, hips twitching upwards as my clit throbs on his tongue. I’m just starting to come down when Colson comes up, slotting himself between my legs. He presses his clothed cock to my aching clit and grinds forward. I look up at his face and notice how tightly his brow is knitted together. His lips are parted as he pants and the way he ruts against me is so familiar that I reach down and grab his ass to help work him towards his own rapture.

“Fuckfuckfuuuuuck,” he chokes out. “Baby–” I watch his face, reveling in his unabashed pleasure as he comes from nothing other than giving me head and a little bit of grinding. It will never not shock me how I, some girl who was a virgin less than a year ago, can get Machine Gun Kelly, a well-known sex god, to come in his pants. And I love every fucking second of it.

Colson relaxes on top of me, our hearts fluttering against each other, and then he lifts his head to kiss me hard, so hard that my pussy already aches for him again. “I’m not done, I promise,” he breathes. “Just couldn’t help it. Your taste, your sounds, fuck.” His words melt into a moan. “Love you so fuckin’ much.”

“Get on your back,” I say, touching his cheek. Colson’s eyes sparkle. He loves when I ride him and I love it just as much, but I’ve got something else in store for him. I’ve been doing my research, or at least I was before everything went to shit. There’s something I’ve been wanting to try forever and now I finally have that chance.

I drop my shirt to the floor and help him out of his boxer briefs, and for a second, I’m tempted to slip my hand into his boxers, to feel what I did to him. Jesus, Colson has made me filthy. I drop the soiled boxers onto the floor and climb over top of him. There’s still cum on his tip and smeared slightly on his belly, and my eyes darken. I can’t help myself, moving down his body to lick up the leftover spend from his skin. Colson shudders and moans and his cock twitches, already hard again. 

He reaches for me and I come up, but then I turn around. “Holy fuck,” Colson says when he realizes what I’m doing. I smirk as I crawl over his body and position his cock at my entrance. It’s a little difficult to situate at first; I’m so used to the way he fits perfectly when I’m riding him the other way. Reverse cowgirl is more difficult than it looks but I’ll do it for Col. 

With his help, I finally sink down on him, and while it isn’t the most comfortable position for me, I don’t care. Because Colson’s hands have a bruising grip on my hips and he’s already moaning shamelessly behind me. I tip my head back, letting my long hair graze his chest, and he grips onto it, tugging. I moan at the slight roughness and try to move, but it’s tough, until Colson bends his knees, giving me his thighs to use for leverage. 

When I start to grind back and forth, Colson curses loudly. “Th-that’s it, baby, h-holy fuck,” he says shakily. “So good, Pres. so fucking – oh shit – perfect.” 

I love how powerful I feel, unwinding my man the way I am. “Colson,” I moan as pleasure starts to creep in. I won’t be able to come like this, but that’s okay. 

After a few minutes, Colson slows my motions, and I look back at him over my shoulder. He grins at me. “As much as I love this, I want to see your face,” he confesses, and I melt a little as I lift myself off of him and turn around. But instead of letting me ride him, Colson flips our bodies over and settles his weight onto me. With a slow grind of his hips, his cock slides back inside of me until it’s home. His hands slide beneath my ass and squeeze, pulling me closer to him, and with his eyes on mine, he starts fucking me hard.

Pleasure rushes in so fast that I can’t stop the moans bubbling out of me. I can feel myself getting wetter around him as he pounds into me, our skin slapping together. “Colson,” I whimper. “Fuck, baby–”

“Yeah,” Colson grits out, squeezing my ass even harder. “Fuck, I love you. So good to me.” He presses kisses along my collarbone and over my shoulder. My eyes are practically crossed at this point, the pleasure so overwhelming in the best way.

“H-harder,” I manage to choke out, because I know he can go harder. He lets go of my ass and lifts up a little, planting his hands beside my head. He brings his legs up and bends them, sliding them beneath my thighs, and then he starts to fuck me at lightning speed. “Oh god,” I wail, digging my nails into his shoulders as he absolutely pounds into me. I’m going to feel this later and I love every second. 

He keeps up his rapid pace but manages to get a hand between us to play with my clit, and that’s what sends me over the edge. A scream rips from my throat as I come so hard that I swear to god I black out for a second. It’s the best orgasm I’ve had in a long time, and Colson always makes me come hard. With that, Colson flips me over, lifts my hips, and slams back inside me. I scream again, squirting all over his cock and thighs, and Colson growls, “Fuck yes.”

I’m practically drooling on the bed at this point, Colson's hands being the only things keeping my hips up. “I’m close,” he manages. “Fuck, Presley, oh my god–” He thrusts four more times, slamming his hips against my ass, and then he seizes up with a gasp as he buries himself as deep as he can possibly go, painting my insides white. His orgasm triggers one more of my own, and that’s it – my legs give out and I splay on the bed helplessly, unashamedly. 

Colson stays flush against me for a few moments as we both come down, breathing hard and sweating. “Christ. That was fucking amazing,” he says, voice gravelly as he kisses my shoulder.

“Yes it was,” I croak, my walls still fluttering around him. When he pulls out, I can’t help but whine, and instantly, his cum trickles out of me. I shiver at the feeling and Colson moans, sitting back on his heels to watch it happen. He drags two fingers over my pussy and I hiss in overstimulation. 

“Sorry,” he rasps, pulling his hand back. “Shower?”

“Shower,” I say weakly, reaching for him. 

In the shower, Colson is pure love and care and safety. He hums while he washes every inch of my body with loving, gentle touches, and I let him. He washes himself quickly and steps out of the shower first, holding up a warm towel for me. He wraps me up in it and hugs me tightly, pressing a long kiss to the top of my head. He takes his time drying me off, too, looking up at me with love in his eyes. I let myself be cared for; we both know I need it right now. 

When we’re both dry, Colson scoops me up and carries me back to bed. “Your appointment is in about an hour and a half,” he says. “Will you get dressed while I make you something to eat?”

I hesitate. I’m scared of him leaving the room, leaving me alone. His expression softens and he thumbs my cheek. “Let’s both get dressed and go to the kitchen together,” he says. I nod gratefully. I’m sitting on the bed and he’s standing, but I reach for him. He hugs me, wrapping long arms around my body, and I slide mine around his neck, holding him close. “I love you, Presley,” he murmurs. 

“I love you too, Colson,” I mumble against his neck, closing my eyes. After a few moments, I let him go and he smiles softly at me. We both get dressed and head to the kitchen where Colson lifts me onto the countertop and presses a kiss to my nose. I can’t help but giggle and he winks at me as he turns to the fridge for food.

As my husband makes us breakfast, I feel a wave of calmness wash through me. Everything is going to be okay. Colson is going to make sure of that.

Taglist: @triplexdoublex@jaxbreaker@mgklove99xx@jinx-on-mars-19xx@iamnotanearthlingmotherfucker@anonymousme86@whiteleoqueen@feroniakutenpuu@hxllywoodwhxree

[lemony-snickers]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

thanks for the tag @razerathane - it was a nice suprise! <3

i'm going to answer these with combined stat data from both of my pseuds.

1. How many works do you have on Ao3?

127

2. What's your total Ao3 word count?

1,237,244

3. What fandoms do you write for?

mostly naruto and bnha. also cowboy bebop and justified (lol). i have one-offs in fangirl and fruits basket.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

longfic (1638)

when life gives you aus, make lemony-ade (734)

ours (548)

a good match (519) - will never not be surprised this beats out helping hands by soooo much.

nice to meet you (506)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i try! i'm not great about it these days because i'm really trying to distance myself from stats/interactions, but i think if someone is kind enough to leave me the comments i so desperately hope for always, then i should be kind enough to say thank you.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

probably the whumptober piece i wrote once where ochaco is slowly crushed to death by rubble. oops.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

most of the fics i publish have happy-ish endings, i think? i'm pretty allergic to sad or angsty ends, for the most part.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

not really. i've had some folks voice their dissatisfaction, but no real hate.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

lol, yes. the boring kind as;dflkasjdf

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

nope! never have and don't really have much desire to; there are very few cases where i think this works well & i'm not confident i'd be able to pull it off.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

nope.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

nope, but i did participate in a big bang which included some collaboration with artists!

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

i am not overly attached to canon ships for the most part. i will say i adore izuocha & kiribaku, and am a big time spike/faye shipper even though it always ends in tragedy.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

scent of a camellia. someone commented on it recently and i remembered how excited i was when i started it (i was still semi-popular at the time and others seemed excited for it, too, but it all fizzled out and i just don't have the motivation for longform stuff anymore).

16. What are your writing strengths?

i think my descriptions are okay!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

not great with action and sometimes my character dialogue starts to all sound the same.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

i try to do so very sparingly if at all, and make sure the dialogue is still understandable from context (ie. the answer the character receives or something). when i do this, will typically provide a direct translation in the author's note for anyone interested.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

i posted the first chapter of my longfic (naruto) in early 2019.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

i'm very attached to my longfic. under this pseud, probably still the strength of vines. just really enjoy the concept and wish i'd been able to realize the original idea it sprang from. since i couldn't, the fic is a nice way for me to have written it out in some way.

i will tag a few folks in case they'd like to do this - @konohamaru-sensei @historicfailure @chemmerson

[quohotos]

did u maybe also read guardians of ga'hoole? could i bother u for some of those owls?

YES! I did read all of them when I was like 11 or 12. Our school library had the full series. I don't remember if I liked owls before I discovered Ga'Hoole, or if I liked owls because of Ga'Hoole but either way it became like my THING for a couple years.

My favorite thing about them was that in the inner cover was all of the main characters illustrated with their names attached, and then in the back cover was four more characters illustrated who you hadn't met yet. I just thought that was so cool, and every time a new character was introduced I would flip back to the end cover and see if it was one of the ones shown off. I'm totally going to steal that technique if I ever get published.

I actually made a clay plant pot that had little (also clay) renditions of these guys pasted onto the side but I can't find it at the moment. If I ever do I'll post a picture of it.

oh, rant time:

I read ALL of the books, and then got two books into the wolf spinoff before I realized I just... didn't super enjoy Lasky's writing. I put up with it because owl but there were a lot of things that really baffled me as I reading. What the fuck was going on with gizzards? And magnets? Why were there always songs? Why did we get two expansion pack maps (wait, no that was cool I'm not complaining about that one)? Why was Soren's brother owl Hitler? I mean that literally, they say like "Hiel Kludd" and goose step and do a little owl salute. Why do all of the books I read as a child have animal Hitler in them??? Are the humans (sorry, others) all dead? Did the owls kill them? Trader Mags tears out the eyes of portraits and trades them, and laments the fact that she's never found violet eyes (is that a fucking Underland Chronicles Reference??? (I don't think it is now but I sure as heck thought so then). Why did it suddenly become first person but for like only one book? Why is Soren related to both Owl Hitler and Owl Jesus? Does Mist actually have magic powers or is she just like that? Why did Soren let his kids drink alcohol? Soren just starts a family off screen like welcome back he's a dad now? Am I allowed to make fun of the fantasy names that are impossible to spell and pronounce or are they actually Native names and I'm gonna appear super racist? God those were violent, like a lot of people died? What's all this shit about owls not pooping, they totally do poop in addition to dropping pelots? This book mislead me and I totally embarassed myself infront of the entire highschool biology class aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I remember walking downtown and going past a local mini movie theater. There were posters up for the Ga'Hoole movie and I was like HOLY FUCKING SHIT LETS GO LETS GO YES YES YES.

And then I saw it and it was just alright. I mean I'm not gonna say it was bad or anything, I don't think Zach Snyder ruined my life or whatnot but it was just okay. I feel like British Soren was anoying but they at least got Twilight correct. Mad they recast the spotted owl because they're native to where I grew up and we love the representation. They rolled the first like four books into one and changed the lore to kind of merge the moon blinking (which just dissipated from the story after book 2?????) with the animal magnetism that brainwashes his sister (fucking magnets again, magnets in the gizzards, how do they work?). Why did they put owl city on the soundtrack? I mean it was obligatory, they had to, but also why?

I did read all of them religiously, and I do have a great appreciation for owls as a result... but I'm just not as attached to them as I am the Underland Chronicles. I feel like they were good books for me as a kid, but I have very little desire to go back and re-read them.

[igniting-quill]

1,2,3, and 19 for any OC? :3

Thanks for asking! I'm going to answer your question with my main D&D character Hai for this one.

What was the first element of your OC that you remember considering (name, appearance, backstory, etc.)?

Our party needed a tank, so I was thinking of creating a martial character with a strength based stat. You know which (fantasy) race shows up as one of the first options on D&D beyond? Half-orc.

So I chose a Half-Orc, I wanted to really go against the grain of what that fantasy race is associated with, and decided to choose a character with a noble background.

So yeah, that was the beginning into her backstory, and for most of my characters it will probably be backstory!

2. Did you design them with any other characters/OCs from their universe in mind? 

Yes I did! @silly-goofy-mood was creating a character concept more or less at the same time as I was, and we wanted our characters to have some sort of connection prior to campaign. We eventually decided on being exes.

Otherwise, i think I knew that I wanted Hai to have a deity so I was also aware of one god, the God of the Unknown, which was my DM's creation @theccrowsnest!

All other characters and OCs were mostly just figures from the past that only now am I really beginning to flesh out. This consists of a human mother, a human stepfather, an orc father, an orc grandma, and a younger sibling, all which were concepts that I created around Hai.

I don't know if you noticed, but there's already two dads in the equation, three because the God of the Unknown is basically a dad, four if you count the first mate who I'll touch up on later.

3. How did you choose their name? 

I wanted some spice in this fantasy campaign so I went to my heritage, but also be aware that my Chinese is pretty mid.

Hailang = 海浪 (hǎi làng)

Ocean waves. Yep. I named a character ocean waves. But! Consider that it is a pirate campaign so I needed to get even more sea themed stuff.

By the way if you're thinking of naming your character this, don't. Every time someone says "Hi" I don't know if they're talking about my character or greeting me because I'm not with a group of people who know about Mandarin Chinese tones nor do I expect them to. This was shortened to "Hai" because it was a cute nickname in my mind, until of course, reality caught up to me about the "Hi" as a greeting vs "Hai" as a name thing.

Only after I named her did I realize the conflict between the big famous Japanese wave that might be conflated with her name. I did not mean that. Whoops. And also, the Japanese word for indicating “Yes” so. Whoops x2.

Also after I named her, I realized that there's 骇浪 (Trad. 駭浪 Pinyin: hài làng) or “swelling/stormy seas" according to my translator app (can you tell, I'm not that proficient in the language). Well. My character has the personality of someone who's pretty calm so we'll see what happens. Will she start becoming more akin to those stormy seas or stay the way she is? I'm asking because I don't know either.

Saangbiar = “上边儿” trad: “上邊兒” (sǎng - An incorrect interpretation of the Wu dialect, biār - erhua Northern/Beijing Dialect)

Yeah. If I stuck to an actual Wu Chinese dialect, her last name would be "Zabiar," as zɑ̃ would be the correct tone for 上, so that's my bad.

Originally, I was going to have Hai's last name be from the north, as it means "above," but uh then my DM's map came out and I realized the location from where that last name came from would be the south.

Fair, because I also tried to use the Wu dialect, which is a much more south-eastern dialect of Chinese, in her name. Did I want to change her entire name of "above" to "below" just to fit the standards of a fantasy land? No, not really. Plus, I was getting kind of attached to it already, with the funky non-pinyin type spelling Frankenstein of two Chinese dialects that are part of my heritage (tho I messed up one I apologize to everyone on that side of the fam).

And that is how I got her name.

19. What is your favorite fact about your OC?

Ooo, great question. Fun fact, Hai's favorite fruit is oranges because the island that all the orcs are from produces those. She's got memories of sharing the pieces between her and her grandma (orc dad's side, 奶奶, iykyk).

She also shares these with the First Mate of the ship, @wall-e-gorl's character. Pirates you know, gotta keep up the citrus fruits lest the scurvy gets you, matey.

Edit: also oh my gosh I need to find the art they did of the oranges stattt

[milliemakesmagic]

So, I have such a huge urge to talk about this. Trigger warning: unhealthy online relationships, and mentions of sexual harassment.

In 2020 during the height of quarantine, my friend (and Pinterest lol) introduced me to this film called, "Red Shoes and the Seven Dwarfs." I was immediately interested because it was the first time I saw myself as an animated character. I'm a pale, brunette, with brown eyes and a slim figure. (Yes I know, basic, and most girls in fiction look like that, but I actually DO look incredibly similar to how they animated her.) I grew extremely attached to the gifs and pictures I'd find of Red Shoes because

OH MY WORD IT'S ME BUT ANIMATED

It's quarantine. What else am I gonna do.

When I finally saw the movie I absolutely loved the quirky retelling of Snow White, with the absolutely STELLAR women of all sizes empowerment, AND THE KID FRIENDLY WAY OF SAYING DON'T OBJECTIFY WOMEN. 👏👏👏👏👏

But around that same time, I was talking to a boy online who eventually became my online boyfriend. And even though he claimed to be Christian and respectful, he had a LOT of issues with objectifying women...and by extension, me. He claimed to be respectful of boundaries. But he wasn't. My rose colored glasses were so thick that I didn't see it all until after I had loved ones step in to separate me from this guy before things became dangerous. But I truly thought he was the Merlin to my Red Shoes. And in a way, he was. Merlin is a difficult character for me. I LOVE his character arch and charm. But I sometimes can't get over just how much he did for Red Shoes only for her looks. There was a lot that my relationship with this guy. I was stuck with a Merlin that wasn't going to change his ways. His eyes would always stray to prettier things.

After the hellish breakup, I started therapy, and developed a lot of unhealthy coping strategies. When you fall in love during the "end of the world" you kind of assume he's all you have. So when I lost that and then realized that he'd been sexually harassing me and I was too smitten to notice, it was a LOT to take in. "If I'd given up their magic you wouldn't have helped me find my father would you?....Would you? I thought we were both under the same spell. But now I see that, I was wrong."

My ex used to refer to me as Red Shoes, he understood how much I loved that I felt like I was her. And when he and I split, the pain that movie gave me was unbearable. My Merlin never loved me for who I was inside. I was only pretty.

I even had sent him photos of my in my Red Shoes cosplay that I did for my birthday. I was so excited to show him. Next thing I knew he was blocked, and my costume, my own pair of red shoes, were boxed into the closet where they couldn't hurt me anymore.

And I thought that was the end. I wasn't the princess Snow White. I was some twisted version of Red Shoes that got a crappy ending and a pervert for my "prince."

I dated one or two people a few years later. But it was all surface dating. Nothing emotionally invested. And then my friend introduced me to this guy. And you want to know what one of the first things we did together was?

We sat down together and watched Red Shoes and the Seven Dwarfs. And he held my hand, and squeezed it when he could tell I was getting emotional.

Months later I have a ring on my finger to be his. And tonight as I laid here listening to the Red Shoes soundtrack that no longer hurts like hell, I realized that my love and connection for this movie wasn't ever between me and my online abuser. It was meant to be a stepping stone for me and my now fiancé. That boy wasn't my Merlin. This man, who respects me, loves me, encourages me and builds me up to be all that I can be, HE'S my Merlin, my prince.

We agreed that I'd wear red pumps on our wedding day. To me, it's a reminder of how far I've come and that God never gave up on me.

And with a loving, secure, and healing heart I can finally truly say,

"I got Merlin'd."

[kitsquared]

I’m gonna cry. The middle panel… aaaa :’)

Anyways I’m all caught up now! It has some similar feelings to A Wrinkle in Time to me… but it’s been a long time since I read it so I might be misremembering. Caught the Wizard of Oz and Watership Down quotes though! That was cool. Anyways thanks a lot for the recommendation!

I’m really curious how you first heard of it, and what drew you in! I personally really like the way the artist is playing around with the medium. The stylistic contrast, even within the same panels at times, is so visually interesting! Yeah I guess I’d just like to hear what you like about it :D

Yess these panels <3 :') :') I'm soo .. !! They are so dear to me.

And his attachment to her has grown so much since the time she initially backed away from his held out hand after the first encounter with Negative (and he was bleeding cyan then too). His concern and attentiveness to her is so much more...softer. Because it is her.

I have read a Wrinkle of Time but also so so long ago so it didn't click for me but I can remember some things such as the different dimensions and that love was the thing that saves the little brother right? Just as having amour protects our dear Hero :)

Yess the references here and there are so fun to catch!

And oh gosh how I heard of it? Haha I've been following the creator here on tumblr cuz of their art and stuff but it did take me a while to start tpoh tho. (Be in the right mood thing 🤧)

But wow. First of all. I immediately had many many questions when RGB asked if Hero wanted to be a hero. But she immediately said yes. No questions. Followed along this brightly colored tv-headed guy to this world above the clouds ?? So I'm curious with her. Of her. Of RGB.

Then when he started explaining that certain entities are Lies, Doubts, Fears. That they use dreams and nightmares to fight and help heal. That she can get carried away with an Idea. I fell in love with that concept of creating this world that utilizes emotions and concepts and made them tangible and representative of the world. It took me until Hero literally exclaiming what their world was for me to realize it tho lmao but my gosh doesn't that make everything so much more amazing when u think of all the elements, the characters who are realized and those searching for inspiration and waiting for their story. It's so amazing to think about.

And I am so enamored by the characters, not just Hero and RGB. I am glad the other's are still part of this story even if their time as the hero ended.

And of course the art! Ofc ofc. I agree, the way the medium is played and utilized with how it's also part of the plot! Amazing. And it's gorgeous, too!

Yea I love this story a lot. I'm glad you got into it, too! <3

[peach-bobatea]

**(Trigger warning: SA mention(ed once))**

Idk how to start these kinds of posts, so I'm going to start off with my thoughts about the situation, because I'm at my breaking point.

First off, I'd like to say how fucking pissed I am to see people harassing and sending death threats to others for liking a character from Outlast, where pretty much *everyone is fucking horrible.* I'm assuming the people who do so are not used to fandoms like Outlast, but oh my god it's gone way too far. Why harass someone for liking a fictional character?

On that note, I'd like to discuss Coyle a little bit, concerning the people who have admitted to liking him openly getting harassed. I like him. I have ever since the closed beta came out. Most of us are aware that he's a horrible person, but so many of you think that we like him because of the things he's done, when no, that's not the case. We don't like him because he was a Klan member, we don't like him because he is a domestic abuser. Most of us like him because he's an attractive character, and he has an interesting story. People might just like him because he's their type. it doesn't have to go any deeper than that. Can't we like horrible characters anymore without being harassed?

Also, a lot of these people who seem to think that we like him because of the things he's done, seem to think that because we like him, it means it *must* align with our morals, when no, that's not how that works. I'm not entirely sure if these people are that stupid, or they just refuse to use their brains. I have seen someone call people who like Coyle racist over little to no evidence, it's just because they think that he's a disgusting character, it must mean that anyone who likes him is the same way. That's just stupid. Plain stupid.

Now, my personal thoughts about Coyle because I've been keeping them all bottled up.

As someone who's liked him ever since the closed beta, I can tell you that I fell in love with him *before* his lore was released. At the time, all I knew was that he SA'd people and was sadistic. When his lore *did* finally came out, I legitimately felt heartbroken. So I can tell you with complete certainty, that most people who *do* like him, don't like him because of the terrible things he's done, it's because we were just attracted to his character. And also, I've seen some people say that we should just stop being connected/loving him because of his backstory. I can tell you right now, that that's not how it fucking works. You can't just cut yourself off from a character immediately, especially if you're extremely connected to the said character.

And to the people saying that we "romanticize", "sexualize", and "glorify" Coyle (I'm using Coyle as another example, because that's pretty much all I see mentioned when people complain, besides the few people who complain about Eddie simps/stans), we don't do that by simply ignoring what he's done. We do realize he's bad, and we don't need to hyperfocus on those specific traits of his backstory or character. We also aren't saying anything he has done or does is a good thing that should be followed, we are simply ignoring those parts because they aren't really plot-important, nor do they really need attention.

Now.... Considering that the people have been harassing (indirectly or directly I don't care) others have liked and posted characters such as Nurse Sally and Val, I don't think their opinions are the most valid. I might be wrong, please correct me if I am. People who have attachments to/are attracted to a horrible character aren't immediately horrible themselves. I can promise you, most people who like horrible, disgusting characters aren't like them at all.

Now about the Proshipper bs, I'm not going to talk about that, because I have little knowledge about it. About Dead Dove fics on the other hand, nobody is forcing you to read those fics. It's completely *your* fault for not reading the tags in advance, it's not the writers' or other consumers' fault. Dead Dove literally means that there are going to be dark subjects in the fanfic, don't complain once you read it and see dark subjects like the tag had told you beforehand.

Coyle himself, is a terrible, *terrible* man. But that doesn't mean we have to focus on him being horrible *all* the time. There are plenty of characters who are almost exactly the same, or are worse. You can't control or police who other people can love vs who they can't, especially not in the outlast fandom, where most of the characters are horrible in their own right. You may not be into certain characters, but that doesn't mean you can harass and send death threats to others who do.

(I apologize if this wasn't as coherent as I hoped :'))

[takaraphoenix]

Ok, because I'm bored at work with nothing to do and I'm still by myself, I'm gonna bug you with a random question. What are your Top 10 favorite headcanons. No specific fandom, just top 10 favorite.

This is too broad actually, E. xD Please limit me to a fandom next time this nearly broke my brain, first to find any at all (twas as though I had Never Had A Single Headcanon In My Life) and then to move on from a fandom, like, once I remembered a headcanon, my brain wanted to latch onto that fandom and I would have gladly given you my top 10 Disney headcanons or sth... this was near impossible lol

You will realize that most of my heacanons are next gen related.

In no particular order because holy shit that'd kill me.

Let's start with an easy one. Shadowhunters. I headcanon Jace Herondale as ace. Even in the fanfiction where I don't make it an explicit plotline, I think of him as ace. I just think that he doesn't know. Doesn't know the term for it, hasn't thought about it really. I don't think I've ever had an ace headcanon I was as fiercely attached to as I am with Jace. Which is funny considering the character himself is a... actually, no, he's not really that sexual. We see others making jokes about his book club, we see him hook up with a random girl once. And then with Maia. And then he's in his relationship with Clary, where we actually see him pulling the brakes and wanting to slow things down. He's not as promiscuous as the talk of the other characters would like to make us belief, is what I'm saying. He has a normal sex life. Still, usually, ace headcanons are born from a "oh this character has never shown any interest in sex????" notion, so this is still an outlier.

PJO: If Bianca di Angelo had lived, her powers would have been most aligned with darkness. We know that Nico struggled with that, that shadow-travel in particular drained him extremely. It's a power he has, but one that never came as easy to him as summoning or controlling the dead. And I always liked the idea that the three kids of Hades/Pluto split his three realms - darkness, death and riches. Tapping into the other realms too, but having most domain over one each.

My headcanon that Jack Frost from Rise of the Guardians is actually the god Jökul Frosti who had his memories taken and was "punished" to spend a lifetime as a human, but something went wrong when he died too early, that's why he has the full amnesia. It just, it never really clicked why the guardian of fun got the white hair and snow powers, or why the wind would carry Jack and allow him to fly (the god of the wind is the father of Jökul Frosti), or why the saying of "Jack Frost" would exist in our human world if Jack Frost is a spirit that nobody can see and born from a mortal who died only 300 years ago.

Disney: Princess Aurora and Prince Adam (aka the Beast) are cousins! I don't know, I just think that's neat. They look very similar, there's the French note to Sleeping Beauty and Beauty and the Beast.

DCMK: Kudou Shinichi and Kuroba Kaito naming their son Conan, as a reminder of how they first met and what Shinichi's time as Conan really meant to him. I think that'd be very poetic and I also think that kid would be the devil incarnate.

Deep dig TLK headcanon that will actually mean absolutely nothing to people who aren't deep into it but I headcanon that Kovu is the biological son of Malka and Kula, I think that Kula's dark fur is a good match for Kovu's while he'd have Malka's dark mane (and I headcanon Malka's eyes to be green, they're not really... seen. they look pitch-black, which might as well be green like Kovu's), plus I did always like Malka. I know most people ship Kula with Chumvi but honestly they have a near identical design so I always clocked them as siblings and headcanoned them as such. But yeah, Kovu as the lost son of Malka and Kula, which would add such a near tragic element to things, if Simba knew he was Malka's son.

If Cole and Phoebe's son on Charmed had lived, his name would have been Parker Benjamin. Parker was the name she later picked for her second born daughter, but I have no qualms moving that name up to the older brother, since I'm already changing the oldest daughter's name too because I am fiercely possessive of my OC daughter of Phoebe and Cole who has to be the firstborn daughter. The only kid of Phoebe whose name I'm keeping is the youngest. Plus, middle name Benjamin after Cole's father, since we do know that Cole cared deeply for his father. I always liked the idea of the sons being their own Charmed Ones; him, Wyatt and my Andy/Prue son Phillip Trudeau.

In the greater scheme of things, BtVS is full of magic shenanigans so why in the world should Angel be the only vampire who can have kids, right? I like the idea of Willow and alive!Tara using magic to create children of their own and that magic also being applicable to Spike and Buffy. I'm thinking fully-formed-baby creation magic here, not magical pregnancy. Because I... don't see Buffy pregnant, she's too much of a fighter, out there, not benched due to different circumstances. And they'd have twins, named William, since Spike's not using that name, and Joanne, as a combination of Joan and Anne, the two big aliases Buffy ever went by.

A headcanon I cherish a lot a lot is from Sailor Moon and it's that the Ayakashi sisters (Koan, Berthier, Calaveras and Petz) all also get a second chance and get reborn, just like the inner senshi did after the first season because fuck that the girls were good at the end they deserved better than to die for men's mistakes, and that they are, ultimately, the mothers of the Asteroid senshi (Pallas, Juno, Vesta and Ceres). I have a very big, very mapped out family tree for my Sailor Moon headcanons. This fandom has been with me for decades. But I want to only pick one headcanon per fandom, so.

DC Comics' Stephanie Brown becoming the Huntress, I just think that would be so neat, the purple color scheme fits her so, so, so well, plus I'd love for Helena Wayne to take up the mantle from her, looking up to her auntie Steph with adoration. I've latched onto that hard.

[hamliet]

(TGCF book 7 spoilers!)

After being so busy in the last few days, I was finally able to finish it! Let's just say that I have so many thoughts!

First things first, Shi Qingxuan my beloved 🥹 I missed him a lot! Though I am sad at how much trauma he went through, it's nice to know he isn't completely unhappy and even became a beloved figure in his new community.

Second things second, Yin Yu! Even though he was full of ressentment over always being in the shadow of his shidi, he still protected Quan Yizhen, and I think this means a lot more than he realized! Deep down, I think he still cared deeply for him, and I felt quite sad over his death. (Also, is it just me, or do YY and QYZ remind a lot of SQQ and LBG?)

Speaking of characters I feel sad about, Qi Rong is probably the one I'm going to miss the most. I have so many thoughts on him, I almost don't even know where to start! He was always the character that brought a smile to my face with his shenanigans when things were more serious, so seeing him die was sad, but he had a very satisfatory ending imo! I think that, even after he started hating XL, deep down, he wanted his approval/attention/love, but because of his personality (shaped by multiple circumstances neither he or XL could control), he never truly got it. I think what QR truly wanted was someone who loved him inconditionally and genuinely regardless of his sociopathic and immature behaviour, something he didn't get since his mother died. And, in the end, he got it in the form of a child. Even after threatning Guzi so many times, he always stuck by his side, and, without realizing, QR also became attached, because deep down he just wanted to be loved. As he died, he realized this. Realized that he never got XL's love, but that didn't matter, because in the end he still had what he needed, which was his child's love. 🥹 (Also the irony of him accidentally being right about most gods is not lost on me!)

And of course who can forget about the main highlight of this book? I always knew Jun Wu was related to White No-Face (in part because I was already spoiled he was the big bad of the series, thus they had to be related), and I always suspected White No-Face was the prince of Wuyong, so the reveal didn't surprise me at all. That being said, the way the reveal was executed gave me chills nonetheless! I think JW is perhaps the biggest projector I've seen in a piece of media, he really saw (sees?) XL as a version of himself and thus wants him to "join the dark side", because XL choosing the bright side might mean that JW could've become like that as well, and that perhaps hurts him. He succumbed to his own despair, so someone so identical to him must follow the same path... Right? But I wasn't expecting him to be so... In control of the narrative up until now. I wasn't expecting most monsters to be related to him as well, and I always thought that the HX/SQGX/SW ordeal was something mostly related to the three, so the reveal that JW was planning on getting rid of SW in one way or another... JW truly had eyes everywhere uh.

Another character that was everywhere in the narrative right under our noses as well was Mei Nianqing, he reminded me of XL as he recounted being involved in so many things since the days of Wuyong, to him being the person who tried to warn about SQGX's fate at the hands of the Reverend, to being the state perceptor of Xianle. I knew he was going to play a big role in the story after he was mentioned in book 6, but I wasn't expecting him to have such a big role in the story, to the point where it was him who basically explained the truth about literally everything.

I also liked seeing LQQ again, and Pei Ming was the funniest character besides QR. The shenanigans he gets himself into are always entertaining, but I can't help but pity him. One of his friends is dead, the other works directly for JW, and in the end he had to deal with a crazy ex-lover and a crazy ex-friend as well. Also wasn't expecting Ling Wen to be so... Cold, as she was one of the first characters we saw in the series to be somewhat amiable of XL. Then again, the hints of her coldheartedness were there since the Brocade Immortal arc anyways. It makes her quite the intriguing character!

And last but not least: Mu Qing and Fen Xing. I became much more found of them once I realized they where their own supposed subordinates who helped XL in the beginning. I was quite lukewarm of FX's doomed romance, but after these last two books I understand now why it makes sense within the story. Also, Mu Qing acted quite sus in this book, it didn't cross my mind at first, but I wonder if he's working for JW...?

So yeah, these are my thoughts on book 7! I admit I thought this was the last book of the main story and book 8 would have the extras, but I'm glad the story didn't finish just yet! I hope to get the special edition with merch this christmas haha! Also, I'm glad you liked to hear my thoughts on the story up until now! :)

Yay! Love reading this!

And oh yeah, YY and QYZ are definitely SQQ and LBH. That's kinda why I'm always side-eyeing the statements that all characters are straight besides the main pairing. Like. Girl, they clearly aren't lol.

And yes, Qi Rong! I think I did an analysis in the past about how if you look at exactly what he says early on in the story, he's right about every single god except for two: Quan Yizhen and Shi Qingxuan, the two gods who are actually the most pure hearted and kind and good, but otherwise, on paper, seem not fit to be gods--Quan Yizhen because he doesn't care about pleasing others and the clear autism subtext, and Shi Qingxuan because his brother literally took his god-exams for him to get him ascended. Yet, these are the two best gods in a lot of ways, and the only ones Qi Rong can't read for filth because he's seen so few examples of actually good people in power.

[theneighborhoodwatch]

Sorry for mentally ill thoughts this evening but I've always wondered how this is going to end. To me, welcome home has been a story about changing. And because of a certain music artist's album and WHs popularity being around the same time, I can't let go of my interpretation of what change will look like at the end of this project. (1/?)

(2/?) I've always found what characters a fandom gets attached to QUICKLY to be a marker of what a story is going to do with these characters and what metatexually that is gonna mean for the story...

Let's start with the big one: Wally himself. THIS GUY HAS SO many interpretations! He is simultaneously the most dangerous and fascinating character out of all of them. To analyze him (and some of the neighbors I'll talk about) I used tarot cards, btw I'm @pretty-in-possible but this is my reblog alt

Wally was Judgement which is intresting because its definition includes

When The judgement is in the upright position, it represents the realization of one's calling, realistic thinking and gaining a deep understanding of life through self-examination.

(3/?) When reversed, it can represent refusal of self-examination and growth, self-doubt, regret, and blame. In my eyes, change and (what I think will happen to the puppets) transformation is only possible with that kind of thought. Which, coupled with your own analysis of wally and home spells as disaster. Whats particularly affecting MY brainworms is Barnaby. His card is the Magician: The Magician is an artisan and the ideas person.  It is a very action oriented card. It represents learning and using knowledge in creative and unorthodox ways, and seizing the day by displaying resourcefulness. Barnaby is definitely an open-minded person just with his behavior shown through just visuals.

(4/?) I am also invested in his pipe which I know just has bubbles in it, but it adds to this stoner read to his character that *I* see??? There is just something about him that tells me he will have the easiest time with this Existential crisis as to him (based of the tarot reading) this knowledge is incredibly freeing, cuz it would just mean there is More in the World to Discover. In my experience reading past life regression therapy testimonies, I've heard of how some people encounter this place in the afterlife people under hypnosis describe as a soul cleansing, a place where gem-colored rays of light shine through every inch of your soul, cleansing your spirit of the trauma it had experienced during your last lifetime. And I feel like Barnaby will experience those same feelings (NOT THE SAME PROCESS). (I might ramble more about this later, in ask box or in dms if thats okkkk)

my sincerest apologies for sitting so long on this one, i wanted to make sure i had time to really, like. sit down and Process it. and then shortly after i started writing this response i got food poisoning so. lol.

because of of how in-depth this ask gets, i wouldn't feel right neglecting any part of it, so i'm just gonna write down my thoughts bullet by bullet as i go through this. under the cut for convenience:

how welcome home is going to end .... obviously, i cannot offer anything conclusive right now (if i can offer anything at all) given how early we are, but i have always had the vague impression that whatever the ending of this story is, we as the audience may never be able to see all of it. it feels like so much has been given to us already. i assume we will be given much more, regardless of how willing to give or receive anyone involved is. we owe it to our neighbors to let them decide which parts to give and which to keep, at the end of the day. i think that's the best way i can phrase it. but as always, only time will tell.

agree about Change likely being a big part of welcome home, whichever form it takes.

I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO KNOW THE NAME OF THIS ARTIST. i am Dreadfully unfamiliar with a lot of 70s musicians outside of the biggest names - my first thought was either connie converse or daniel johnston, but iirc most of converse's music was recorded in the 50s-60s and johnston only started recording music in the late 70s. i don't know if bruce haack was ever super popular back when he was actually making music.

the idea of which characters fandom gets attached to being indicative of what canon does with them...? i'm not so sure about this one, honestly. fandom can get attached to a stale piece of toast that shows up for a single scene if so desired (which, for the record, isn't a bad thing.) of course, i say that based off of my own experiences, but fan reception has never really been a Factor in speculation for me either way.

calling wally dangerous doesn't feel inaccurate, but i think it's more like. i do not think he is inherently dangerous but he absolutely has the Capacity to do dangerous things. i think it is interesting that despite this (or perhaps because of it?) he appears to be more vulnerable with us than he Ever was with the other neighbors? but a.) that may not be saying much and b.) it is Also largely rooted in speculation + the fact that home and the audience are currently the Only two entities wally has been seen interacting with directly, as opposed to his interactions/relationships with other neighbors that have so far only been briefly described by the WHRP or showcased in brief snippets of concept art.

grinning so so so wide at the judgement/inverted judgement descriptions. i wish i had more to say but i'm having a hard time coming up with something that isn't just pointing to the inverted judgement description and going "yeah that's almost Exactly what i'm getting from wally so far."

again, agree about the possibility of Change playing some kind of role here, eventually - more specifically the fear of change even when it may prove to be beneficial, whether that be on wally's part or the neighbors' or the WHRP's or the staff's or the audience's or even the very setting of home itself. i imagine some grotesque hodgepodge of all of the above. something something points to that post i reblogged about sitcoms as horror.

context for the aforementioned wally and home analysis for anyone reading: 1, 2, 3

BARNABY, HUH... for the record my personal hc regarding his pipe is that whatever's in it changes depending on what would be the funniest answer at any given moment. if tobacco is funnier, then it's tobacco. if bubbles are funnier, then it's bubbles. looney tunes logic.

on a more serious note: i'm a little worried i won't have much to say about barnaby that i haven't said already! i think it may be too early to discern the Specifics of his personality from website art/descriptions alone but i do get the distinct impression that he's meant to be a lot more down to earth than wally, which of course is an interesting contrast to the nature of wally's whole [gestures vaguely] Everything. from this, i think it is Reasonable to assume that he's also a lot better at rolling with the punches as well, although i never did consider the possibility that learning about The Bullshit would be liberating for him, in a sense - i don't know about it being a cleansing experience, unless you count the recontextualization of things that didn't previously make sense as a sort of cleansing in itself, in which case it could absolutely be that. something about the parallels to cosmic horror... the relationship between the Fear of change and the Catharsis of change...

oh, but wouldn't this also put him at odds with wally, who seems to be on the Exact Opposite End Of The Spectrum, even when they understand each other like no other? Much To Think About... very exciting potential for Conflict there.

i'm cool with whichever method works best for you if you wanna talk more in the future! my dms are open too lol.