#polyfragmented did

[mentallystrawberry]

feeling like in order to continue fronting you have to act like an actual npc and walk on egg shells to avoid accidentally triggering another alter out since we’re always rapid switching because literally anything can easily trigger a switch

[pplatonic]

about a cofront today

[aetherial-boy]

being chronically dissociated isn’t the most talked about DID symptom but it’s a complete nightmare to live with and i hate it so much.

i’m rarely fully grounded, i always feel like the smallest trigger is gonna send me back to not knowing who i am again. i’m on autopilot a lot, just going through the motions of life, not truly living it. i spend most of my time feeling at least partially out of it and people make a lot of assumptions based on that. it’s also exhausting, and it puts me in… situations. these range from ‘i wasn’t focused on being grounded and didn’t notice the queue moved’ to ‘my younger sibling stopped me walking into traffic because i wasn’t able to ground myself enough to be aware of my surroundings outside’

[the-fictive-haven]

We don't usually do comics but had to get this one out of our head

[plague-hybrid]

Autistic polyfrag culture is really just the same cycle over and over

> Get a new hyperfixation (or rediscover an old one)

> Go through any sort of stress

> Congratulations, you now have at least 2 new introjects to greet to the party

[zeros-sys]

reminder that you don't exactly need more trauma to split alters

the brain forms alters as it needs, if there is something that the system cannot handle or there is a gap in who is filling their needs then an alter can be split

every alter exists for a reason, even if it seems like there is none

(this doubly applies to polyfrag and autistic systems)

[systematic-breakdown]

polyfrag/cdd things that suck ass cus some of yall need a reminder that this shit is not just a disorder but literally an extension of cptsd. kept it to a small handful because the list would go on forever if there wasnt a limit. this intro is your cw/tw

if you wont/cant read the rest, at least read this:

i love system positivity and its great how much of it theres been. but we need to let both comfort and anguish exist in the same space with equal voices. to wallow in despair is to ignore the light. to cover it up is to invalidate the foundation. we need the yin and the yang.

if youre too fixated on the darker realities, take a moment to look at the brighter ones. if youre too fixated on the good sides, do your part to validate the ugly. you will do yourself, your system, and this community a service.

- never truly feeling complete. the ever-present sense that something inside of you is missing and youll just never know what it is. feeling “fragmented” in a very literal sense

- suddenly hating a food youve always loved and not being able to explain the indifferent grief that comes with losing one of the few things that made you you. also applies to activities, shows/movies, books, music, interests, etc.

- dissociating at the smallest stressor. wdym i no longer feel present/like a person just because vibes were a little off while hanging out with a friend. oh, we’re splitting because of it now? and its another group? ok man sure why the fuck not

- having a conversation with someone and slowly going from “i like/am familiar with this person!” to “if you asked me their name and what they were just talking about i could not tell you”. the transition was too slow to notice until youre suddenly Different from before. you want to “go back”, but it wasnt you. youve lost your reference and all you have left is an ache for something you cant pinpoint and a conversation with a stranger you now have to manage

- trying so hard to remember something that you KNOW happened but its just. gone. its on the tip of your tongue, you used to know the details intimately, you can recall vague colors or feelings but theyre off somehow. like it never happened. or it did and youre getting it wrong. you will forget this recall attempt. and the next. and the one after that too. until you stop trying to recall it. a lot of the time, “it” isnt even about trauma

- fear. exhaustion. exhaustion from what? nothing. nothing that you know of. why are you tired? why are you so tense? why can’t you fall sleep? why won’t you go to the doctors? to school? to a friends place? home? why does the thought of doing anything light your skin up like thorned fire? why does the thought of seeing anyone make you want to run until no one can find you? why does the thought of getting out from under your blanket only make you burrow more? sometimes you know why, sometimes you dont

- amnesia again. forgetting that you forgot. amnesia again. if you forget this, it’s over. if you forget this, then theres no point. if you cant even remember that you forget, you no longer qualify as sick. you are so sick that you wrap around to being normal and doesnt that sting? amnesia again. the word “normal” on you is like wearing an outfit that you loved in the morning and hated by noon. you want to look normal, sound normal, feel normal, be normal but that all just feels so wrong. you changed clothes. you changed. that’s what people tell you, at least. you take what people tell you as the truth. it’s not like you know what you did. people don’t like when you don’t remember so it’s easier to just pretend you do. does this make you “normal” yet?

- major control issues. wonder where that comes from. couldnt possibly be the fact that you are never in control of yourself (the one thing everyone else is capable of doing) /s. you cant even control others to make up for it... do you want to control others? doesnt that make you a bad person? but so-and-so did it and theyre not a bad person, right? the rules are different for you. and now you feel guilty for controlling others (something you didnt do) (but you feel like you did so you overcompensate by baring your neck more than usual) (and then you get angry for exposing yourself like that) (and the cycle repeats)

- it feels like something is touching you. sometimes it feels good, like warmth radiating from your heart or a well timed hug when youre feeling lonely. sometimes its little things, like shifting your arm to pick up a different color crayon or moving you to a different section of the grocery store. sometimes its the holy spirit in your bones, helping you do things without having to think about it. but its not always so passive and nice. sometimes it touches you in places you dont want to be touched. it moves you into positions you dont want to be in. it makes you hurt the way it hurts. there are so many "body feelings" and each of them is significant and distinct. you wonder if this is how they feel. then you berate yourself for personifying it, implying something happened to you at all

- constantly being triggered by people who seem "powerful" or have some semblance of "status" on the hierarchy you've learned to keep memorized. parents, bosses, pastors/priests, old people, anyone who is "above" you suddenly feels like a threat. that mixed with having extremely low self esteem means everyone is a threat. you were always given some lenience when you were "good" so you lower yourself further and teach yourself to depend on them. let them do what they want and youll stop feeling it eventually

- small, confined spaces feeling like a prison and a safe haven all at once. this is as close to peace as you can get

[sovereignsystem]

Do NOT try to find out more info about your system hierarchy. You WILL come back with more questions than answers 😓

🛋 - (he/kek/o7/fxck)

[mentallystrawberry]

when you’re under a ton of stress then start to notice your memory worsen, your headaches becoming more frequent, and communication going nonexistent…

[plurapony]

hehehehe!!!! to those who play bang dream gbp and project sekai i would like to share my dissociative identity disorder character headcanons 🩷🫶🏻

Project Sekai: Mafuyu Asahina

WHY HEADCANON: Mafuyu is a character that is INCREDIBLY relatable to our experience with DID. Her entire story arc is to "find her real self" and shes shown to deal with extreme amnesia (ie not recognizing her childhood self) also the abuse she suffers is something that very much resonates with us as it's similar to what we experienced.

Bang Dream! GBP: PAREO

WHY HEADCANON: PAREO has two defined personalities, Reona Nyubara and PAREO. "When she is PAREO, she speaks in third person. However, when she is Reona, she speaks in first person using the pronoun "watashi." As PAREO, she speaks in a polite manner, ending a lot of her sentences with "-masu" or "-desu", and as Reona she utilizes the casual Japanese form. " - from the Wikia. I feel that the way she acts especially contrasting between two extremes, very much resonates with DID.

Bang Dream! GBP: Soyo Nagasaki

WHY HEADCANON: Recently I read the Colours Blended with Raindrops event story and there was a particular scene with Tomori and Soyo that felt very DID-esque. I'll include the transcript below

Tomori: The Soyo-chan who does everything as to not burden her mom... and the Soyo-chan who played cards with us... Today, I felt like I met two different Soyo-chans. Both of them are Soyo-chan. There are so many different versions of Soyo-chan. I like that. There are many different versions of you inside yourself. They overlap and become various colors... That's what it feels like to be a human being. I like that kind of Soyo-chan.

Soyo: ... If so many different colors overlap... I'm sure the colors would end up being very murky.

- Tomori: Today, I met many different versions of Soyo-chan. The Soyo-chan who loves her mom, the Soyo-chan who is good at playing cards... The Soyo-chan who hates rainy days. They're all versions of Soyo-chan I've met for the first time. ... No, I feel like I've known Soyo-chan who hates rainy days for a long time.

Soyo: (I'm sure Tomori-chan remembers that day too...)

Tomori: You said earlier that you like beautiful colors. I'm sure every version of Soyo-chan has clear and beautiful colors. So I don't think they'll become murky even when mixed together.

I feel it is very very DID coded, highly doubt it was intentional but it means a lot to me!!!!

Yippee!!! Do you play these games? Do you agree with these headcanons? Or do you headcanon different characters!!!!

[omnium-gatherums]

What they don't tell you about DID is that almost everything is just vibes. Literally just vibes. System mapping, inner world, knowledge about alters in general - vibes.

[sysboxes]

[Text: This system is currently questioning if they’re polyfragmented, please be patient with them.]

[Text: This system is currently questioning if they’re complex, please be patient with them.]

Like/Reblog if you save or use please ^^

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

npd + cdid culture is "i dont remember you. u must not be important" when you have dissociative amnesia regarding people

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[xenodelic]

An attempt to describe emotions with polyfragmented DID

Big disclaimer up top that this is just our experience, and we can only speak for ourselves. We were motivated to write this based on a conversation we had with a loved one, trying to explain how we experience strong emotions as a polyfragmented DID system.

This revolves mainly around the existence of emotional fragments, and the structures they take on within our system. Keep in mind, any plural person can have fragments, but having complex structures of many fragmented parts is, of course, a key feature of polyfragmentation.

1.) Trigger

Cue any sort of emotional trigger. Fragments can either split right in that very moment, or already existing ones can be brought up by the trigger. Typically several will appear at a time, each embodying a different reaction to the trigger.

2.) "Hijacking"

This is perhaps a bit of a loaded word, but this is what it feels like for us once the fragments start to front. Whoever else is fronting will typically still be there, but their reactions and behaviors will be heavily influenced by the fragments. Our mindset will very suddenly change, and we'll be thinking through the lens of whatever emotion or memory that fragment embodies.

3.) Dissociative Barriers

We can be experiencing very obvious signs of acute distress - i.e., blood pressure and heart rate increase, flushed skin, dizziness, headache, etc. But still be completely unaware that we're in distress. This is because even when the fragment is hijacking, it is still separated by a "wall" of dissociation. We often cannot perceive that its there, or identity the actual emotion associated with it, because of this dissociation.

(This was the part our loved one was most shocked by - because we had expressed before that we can be distressed and not realize it, but they had no idea why or how that worked!)

At best, we realize that there is something wrong, but severely struggle to identify what emotions are actually there. Attempting to identify the emotion can result in strong resistance, as we have parts that specifically exist to stop us from identifying other parts.

4.) Rapid sequence

Depending on the trigger, there will usually be several fragments that come up in succession. This can often be a pre-determined sequence that is tailored to the specific trigger. So for example, they may come up in the order of anxiety > fear > lashing out > self loathing > depression. After the sequence is finished, we are often "reset" to a neutral state.

We can experience a severe trauma trigger, play out a sequence of intense emotions, and return to a neutral within the span of 10-20 minutes (its not always that short, but it usually lasts a maximum of a couple hours for us). The pattern of the sequence is typically very predictable, sometimes even methodical.

5.) Emotional Amnesia

After all is said and done, the fragments more or less disappear. Within just a few minutes, we might not even recall that we were in distress. Often times we remember that something was wrong, but won't be able to recall the details or identify what emotions we were experiencing at all.

-

We hope this makes some sense, and that folks can conceptualize what we're trying to describe. Its a very complex process that we're only just recently being able to unravel. We spent the first 20+ years of our life thinking this was entirely normal and that's just how everyone experiences emotions.

Anyone, particularly other polyfrag systems, are welcome to add to this post with their experiences. We hope maybe this will resonate with some folks and help give a way to describe their experiences. This was an exercise of self-expression for us, so any sort of feedback is welcome!

[basaltgalaxysystem]

People really should have noticed we were a system, this is just SOME of the examples I could give:

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the amount of time we have forgotten our name (preferred bodies and and legal name), to the point where we made a on running joke that we could be called any name and we would respond.

.

We would be known for talking to ourselves and preferring to play by ourselves, to this day we are asked constantly if we are in a call Because the best way for us to communicate with each other is talking out loud.

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Our family also talk about how often we change and complain how dramatically our taste pallet changes from day to day.

- As certain alters don't like foods that other alters love

.

our family consistently mentions how they don't like being around "Mean Shawn" as they put it. When in fact that's usually just me(Jasper) or other anger holders/family trauma holders.

.

We have been told we would be dissociated a lot as a child, and we would be yelled at for not paying attention because of it.

.

we had signs of PTSD even as a young child.

- sudden "irrational" fear of doctor offices and going certain places or being around certain people.

.

Having extreme memory loss and people used to compliment the fact they could tell us the same story over and over and we would "act" like it was the first time we'd heard it.

- our BF now even says the same thing and he enjoys seeing our different reactions.

_____________________________________

-Jasper | he/it

[systematic-breakdown]

The Shadow That's Under the Door

I sit and stare, hands clasped in prayer My butt has a dent in the floor I know there's something out there The shadow that's under the door

The carpet curls beneath my hands I lean just a little bit forward I swear it's breathing like a man The shadow that's under the door

Was it always in that spot? Had it moved before? Should I mark it? So I thought The shadow that's under the door

Just a moment, just to see It won't take long, I swore By my bedside, I retrieved A crayon from my drawer

It only took a second Maybe a second more But when I turned My stomach churned The shadow not under the door

I checked along the cracks I checked the wooded gore I checked each inch of space to find The shadow that's under the door

It's gone! It's gone! It's gone! I cry At last I'm free! No more! Oh, but what a fool was I For I had not checked the other side And there - Behold! The shadow lie Just beyond my line of sight I dare not sleep, he comes at night And we both know I cannot fight The shadow that's under the door