#beck’s ranting again

[l4tedawns]

At what point do parents or guardians stop telling you that your room is “disgusting” or “gross” or “a disaster” when, at the very most, you have (predominantly clean) clothes on the floor, some papers here and there, and like Two empty cups from drinking water

[theravequeen]

"Edith? Yeah, hi honey"

HELLOOOOO SAILORRRR

[nezuscribe]

𝐛𝐮𝐫𝐧 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮

pairing: gojo satoru x fem!reader

summary: you have everything you could have asked for in life. a beautiful home in greenwhich, just far away from london so that you don't have to mingle with city life, but close enough to be surrounded by the ton. a library with all the books you could ask for and a friend you care for dearly. all except for the man of your dreams, who just so happens to be your best friends brother. worst of all, he only sees you as such. his sisters best friend. (bridgerton!au)

warnings: 18+ mdni, gojo doesn't know how to communicate his feelings, slight angst (with comfort), smut, eating out (fem! receiving), fingering, (happy ending)

word count: 17.3k+ (i have no idea how)

note: yes, this is inspired by penelope and colin. yes, i know that colin isn't a viscount. their story is coming out later than expected so i took matters into my own hands. tysm @jadeisthirsting for beta reading! (if you saw this the first time no you didn't, i hope tumblr doesn't glitch out again)

jjk masterlist

You had a great life, as far as it went. 

You were born into a wealthy family, far more wealthy than they deserved to be. You had maids at your beck and call and did not need to worry about the future as long as you acted correctly. You had book upon books, as many as you could dream of, so long as you didn’t bore your mother too much with them. You had any sort of food you could dream of and you had the most caring friend in the world who loved you very much. 

Honestly, what more could a woman ask for?

“I say we move the whole ordeal to Friday, seeing how Satoru is only arriving on Wednesday. But my mother insisted that we keep in on Thursday because the rest of London just couldn’t wait to see my dashing brother…” Lily continued her furious rant as she paced back and forth the vast expanse of your family’s drawing room, shaking her head in clear frustration. 

“And you want it to be a day later…because…?” You sipped quietly on your tea, trying to keep your smile at a minimum. It was hard not to get giggly when Lily’s face got red and her eyes bugged out of her sockets. For such a pretty girl it tended to shift her features whenever she got angry or annoyed. 

“Well, he’s going to be tired!” She stopped her pacing as she stared at you with her mouth a bit open as if it were the most obvious answer, “And whenever Satoru is tired he’s so difficult to deal with. He’s going to want to talk about his travels for at least three days before he’s ready to mingle with the rest of the works!” 

You nodded heavily, showing her that you were completely on her side. 

“Has he written to you?” She asked and then quickly shook her head, despite the fact you were going to answer with a quiet yes to her question. He had written you a few letters, all of them stashed in your vanity as you read over them, each going over his travels, sometimes sending you little knick-knacks he saw. 

“Not the point. What I’m trying to say is that my mother always goes over the limit with how much she welcomes her children. And Satoru for that matter! Christ, he’s twenty-five and unmarried!” 

You wanted to sink into your seat in embarrassment. You were only so much younger and had never had even an interaction with a suitor before. 

Life was great, for the most part. 

As much as you couldn’t complain, there was a small matter at hand that was growing increasingly more alarming the more the years went on. 

For as long as you could remember, you and Lily were set on never getting married. Ever since she read that one Jane Austen book she was hellbent on independence and no men. You tagged along, seeing how that was a better excuse than admitting no man had even asked you to join him to be his partner to dance before.

Lily didn’t seem to care much for this. While she was set on her celibacy pact, she had been approached before. It doesn’t change much, but it did at least show her that somebody wants her. You were either such as a spinster or married to some ancient man your mother had to dig out from some corner of the market. 

“And Satoru…” Lily rambled on, but all it did was remind you of an even worse fact. 

You were terribly in love with her brother. 

You have known the Gojo family for ten years, five months, twelve days, and two hours, and you have been in love with Gojo Satoru for ten years, five months, twelve days, and thirty minutes. 

Their family had immigrated from Japan months before the oldest child was born, but they had only moved to Greenwich ten years, five months, and ten days ago. You met them only two days later when you accidentally wandered into their gardens, unknowing that a family had just moved in. 

The first time you met that particular Gojo, you were thirteen and facing serious issues with yourself and your own family. You wanted to move to America in hopes that the boys over there would fancy you more and your mother forbade it. Satoru laughed when he saw your horrified face popping up from their blackberry bush, definitely not expecting to see anybody there. 

“Hello there,” the stranger called out. You thought he was a grandfather with the way his hair was artic white, but he only seemed to be a bit older than you the closer he got. 

“I’m not stealing from you I swear!” You cried out as you let the blackberries tumble out of your stained hands. You cannot be taken to prison, you simply wouldn’t survive. 

“I can see that.” He crossed his arms as he tried not to laugh at the way your dress was stained a dark blue color. 

He introduced himself, and Lily, and soon, you and the girl were attached at the hip. 

It didn’t help that as kind and as charming as he was, he only saw you as his sister's closest friend. It also didn’t help that every other woman in high society seemed to be in love with the man and it certainly made it so much more horrific that he seemed to have his eyes on everybody else but you. 

He, much like his sister, was averse to the idea of marriage, but for a completely different reason. 

He seemed to despise the idea of being committed, which is most likely why he had been traveling the entirety of Europe and Asia for the past year or so. Despite his mother’s frantic worrying about setting him up with a respectable lady, he pushed them all aside and fled (in some sense) and will be making his grand appearance a couple of days from now. Everybody is chattering with excitement. You’re trying not to fill with total impending dread. 

It had already taken everything you had to pretend that he didn’t exist and that he had simply disappeared, and you knew your wretched mind would fall for him just as quickly as it did the first time around when you were set to see him next week. 

“...and, are you even listening?” Lily asked, her voice garbling back to life as you snapped your eyes back to hers, covering your mouth with your teacup as you insistently nodded, trying to keep your smile from faltering as she squinted her eyes to look you over and see what was wrong.

“I’m totally in tune with you Lils,” you insisted, nibbling on a cookie to help you with nausea which only seemed to make it worse. 

“Hm,” she grunted, not seeming to believe you but not truly caring as she continued, “And thank the heavens you’ll be there beside me, for who knows what would become of me in such an unruly crowd of men and women just waiting for my brother to make his entrance. I’d lose my sanity.” 

Yes, you thought, how lucky. If only love worked that way, of ignoring it until it faded. If only.

“I’ll be there.” You promised. 

For better or for worse, you’d be there. 

---

The ball was just as you had imagined it. 

Extravagant, elegant, large, and incredibly crowded. 

One of the perks of being an outsider in these sorts of scenes is you didn’t have to dance anymore (no matter how much it stung the first time around getting used to this fact). 

Lily was off somewhere, being forced to socialize. Your other sisters were also lost in the crowd, either dancing or being swooned by a potential match. 

You were yet to see the man of the hour, but then again, so was everybody else. He was either hiding away or being swallowed whole by the hoards of people eager to get a glimpse of him. 

Not that you wanted to see him, of course. Just curious. 

The food was, as always, a bonus. Nobody was going to judge you for scarfing anything down when you had begrudgingly sworn off marriage, and perhaps one of the good things about Lily's pact was that you didn’t care much about the public eye anymore. 

“Please, at least act like we’re not starving you.” Your mother pleaded, unfortunately, stuck to your side for the night as she eyes you and your plate. 

“I’m trying my best,” you reasoned, making sure you didn’t drop anything on your dress. 

“The Viscount is coming tonight,” she tried to think and you snorted, earning some distasteful looks from the widows around you. 

“And he’s just dying to see me, I suppose?” You rolled your eyes at the idea, to help the sting from your own words. It was better to be rationable than to be delusional. 

“Well it doesn’t hurt to-”

“Try?” You cut her off with another laugh as you chew on an eclair, “Might as well. Right after the Princess introduces herself I’ll go up.” The two of you eye the girl in the diamond-encrusted gown with an equally bright tiara on her head. Your mother gave up the argument. 

For the last couple of days, you have been at a mental war with yourself. On the one hand, it surely must mean something if he wrote you letters. On the other one, he wrote it to his entire family and he probably views you as such. No matter how much you want to pretend that the Gojo cares for you, it won’t be in the same way that measures how much you care for him. 

“I’m going to get some more of these macaroons, I’ll be right back.” You excuse yourself as your mother pressed her lips into a thin line, wanting to push you to dance but knowing no amount of persuading was going to change your mind when it was already set on something. 

Wading through the dense crowd was certainly a feat, but you did it nonetheless. From the dessert table, you could barely make out the pop of chartreuse that was Lily's gown, and you wondered how much longer until she’d be free to giggle and gossip with you. 

Your eyes scanned over the little sweets carefully as you mentally weighed which one would taste good and which one would be a surprise in the kindest sense of the word. The colorful ones were often pretty but they tested either too bland or too bitter and the ones with caramel side sugar tended to be too sweet. All the good macaroons with the pistachio filling were gone, which was odd because you could only count on your fingers how many people aside from you tended to favor that one. 

“Looking for something?”

A green macaron was held in front of your face, slowly forcing you to turn your head in its direction as it began to pull away from you

Him. 

“Oh!” 

Oh? If only you could hit yourself in the head that would be great. 

“Oh?” Gojo chuckled, his brows pinching together in slight confusion at your reaction as his lips threatened to pull into a teasing smile, “I haven’t seen you in a year and that's what you’ve got to say?”

You try not to let your heart flutter at his cheeky manner as you roll your eyes, your smile growing as you take him in. 

He’s gotten taller if that was even possible. His hair is still as white as it was, and it seems that no amount of sun was going to change that. He’s gotten a little bit tanner, no longer that frigid pale hue to his skin that made you worry he’d drop dead at any moment. He’s unfortunately more muscular, which just means you have to cast away the scrawny image you’ve made in your mind in hopes that he’d come back anemic. 

His eyes are just as captivating as ever, blue and inviting. His jaw is sharper and yet he has no facial hair on his face. Which you prefer on most men but you’re glad he’s never given into that trend. 

Most importantly, he still looks like that boy you fell in love with so many years ago, and no time away would ever change you at your core. 

You try to not let your neck prickle with heat as he seems to assess you the same way you're doing to him, try not to feel self-conscious as his eyes roam over your features. Sure, a person can change in a year, but you wouldn’t bet you’ve changed that much that would warrant this amount of staring.

“So…?” 

“‘Toru, hi!” You snap out of your state, watching as his face picks up and breaks into a grin as you set your plate down somewhere, seemingly now realizing that Satoru is here and in front of you, “My, you’ve grown so much!”

“Really?” He looks at his torso and his arms as if he can’t believe it. 

“Well, a bit,” you curse at your awkwardness as he cocks a brow, “I’m sorry, I’m a bit out of my element tonight. I apologize for my earlier reaction.” You duck your head down for a second as he waves it off, hopefully not offended. 

You’re glad this little table is tucked away in an alcove away from most of the public eye, and the only people around the two of you are older people and the people standing outside in the gardens. Either they don’t see the man or they’re being somewhat human and granting the two of you some privacy. 

“Apology accepted, but not needed,” he teases, patting your shoulder affectionately as you try not to act as if that single touch made you reconsider the idea of marriage. 

“How are you?” He asks after a beat, not affected by your out-of-character attitude as he tilts his head to the side. 

“As good I could be,” you offer him a wink that came off as an elongated blink, “Whatever Lily filled you in on has most likely happened to me too.” He chuckles, his laughter the sound of melted honey. 

Fuck, you’re never going to get over him. 

“And you? How were your trips?” You egged him on, eyes tracing him, watching as some pink dusted over his cheeks. 

“Boring. Couldn’t wait to come back.” He says, but you can hear the sarcasm in his voice. Mixed with the way he couldn’t contain his bits of laughter, you laughed alongside him. 

“I’d believe it if not for your tan and newfound outlook on life, or so it seems from how Lily describes it.”

“She exaggerates everything,” he waves it off, and you wonder what that double-edged sword implies. 

“I-”

“He’s here!” You hear a loud voice cut you off as the two of you look over your shoulder to see his mother leading the awaiting princess and her train to where the two of you are standing, “He seems to be getting warmed up with this fine lady!” She says your name as heat rushes to your cheeks in embarrassment. 

It was only seconds before you were surrounded by men and women you had never seen before, all hanging off of Satoru’s words as he scrambled to answer all of their questions. 

And so it begins, you say to yourself as you push away from them, going to find Lily as you wonder why you even try. 

You miss the way he calls out for you, quiet enough so that nobody else hears it, but loud enough that his chest tightens in confusion at the sheer desperation of it. 

---

“I despise men!”

You’re at the Gojo estate for once, and Lily has started a new tirade that has lasted for the last hour. 

“What brought this on?” You press, exchanging worried glances with Satoru and her younger sister as she groans, jamming her palms into her eyes as she vehemently shakes her head. 

“Does this,” she shoves her hand, more importantly, her ring finger without a ring, in front of your face, “Look like I’m keen on getting married to you?”

“No….?” You mutter, scared of what she would say next. 

“Does it look like an invitation to barge into my home?”

“Not exactly,” You say, earning a sympathetic look for Satoru as she glares at him. 

“Does it look like I want to get frisky in the broom cupboards?”

“Christ! Lily, your sisters here!” You shout, jumping to cover the young girl's ears. Lily waves it off and Satoru just chuckles, a twinkle in his eyes as you usher the girl out of the tea room as you slam the door shut. 

“This certainly beats the beaches in Venice,” Satoru says as you near the table again, winking at you as you laugh quietly. 

“I’m so glad I’m not getting married. You should be too,” she points her finger at you as you look up at her, “Men are nothing but evil, money hungry, sex driven-”

“Charming, majestic-” Satoru talks over her as she talks even louder. 

“Dirty animals!” She finishes with a cry. 

You and Satoru share a glance as you try to laugh. She’s not wrong, far from it. The majority of men in this place needed to be sent back to their creator, but Lily had a vein in his forehead that was protruding at an odd angle. 

“You laugh now, but you’ll be thanking me fifty years from now.” She warns as you nod, acting totally compliant with her. 

“You’re still with her on her no-marriage pact?” Satoru asks as he stands up, walking past Lily as he looks out from the window, seemingly admiring the gardens outside. He glances over at you as you sink into the satin cushions beneath you. 

“Yes,” but your answer came out shaky and unsure. 

“Of course she is,” Lily answered for you with a definite nod, “And besides, she’s the luckier one. It’s not like any man has even asked her to marry anyway.” She says jokingly, shoving a biscuit in her mouth as she plops herself down beside you, nudging your shoulder with hers as if it were the funniest thing in the world. 

You wish the sofa could swallow you whole. 

“Hey,” Satoru turns around, brows furrowed as he looks at his sister, but the door opens before he can finish his sentence. 

“Miss Gojo,” their butler, Fred, who you’ve known since you’ve known Lily announces for her as he stands at the foot of the door, “Your mother has requested your presence in her quarters.”

Lily stands up with a groan, wiping the crumbs off of her dress as she makes sure there’s nothing around the corners of her mouth. 

“I’m needed elsewhere,” she pats your arm caring for it despite having her words wanting to make you plummet yourself off of a cliff, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

You give her a weak goodbye, watching as she leaves with the door shutting behind her as you sit up a bit straighter, getting ready to leave yourself. 

You stand up, careful not to make any eye contact with Satoru out of sheer embarrassment as you smooth out the wrinkles in your dress, hoping the silence would suffocate you faster than it would him. 

“Lily talks too much sometimes,” he finally says, stepping away from the window as he takes a two closer to your direction, before passing, “I’d apologize on her behalf but I’m pretty sure she’s already forgotten what she’s said.” He tries to lighten the mood and bless his soul, but you can already feel your spirits for the day sour. 

“It’s alright,” you promise, though he seems to disagree but you continue anyway, “I know her, she doesn’t mean it.” Still doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt, a part of you chides. 

“Are you leaving?” He asked, taking another tentative step forward. 

“I was planning on it,” you say with a little chuckle, hoping that your eyes watering up wasn’t too noticeable, “Is that alright with you?”

He looked at you with his bright eyes and just blinked, taking a while to reach his senses. 

“Y-yes! Yes, quite alright. Let me just get my coat…” He muttered, brushing past you as you quickly tried to reject his incoming offer. 

“There’s no need!” You run a bit to catch up to him and his fast pace, “My house is barely two skips away,” you lamely joke, hoping he’d give it up. You wanted to wallow in your self-pity on your walk home, not have to converse with the one man who’d inadvertently give you more to pity over. 

“Not a chance,” he argued, draping the coat in question over his arm, “What sort of person would I be if I let you walk out alone?”

Any other person, you wanted to say but stopped yourself. 

“I don’t mean to bother you…” You wrong your hands in a nervous state, eyes darting everywhere but his. 

You were trying to work on your silly crush this past week, which had unfortunately ramped up ever since he came back. In response, you worked out that the best solution to getting over it was to act like he didn’t exist and ignore him whenever possible. Clearly, it was working out completely in your favor. 

“Not a bother at all.” He insisted, linking his other arms with yours as you jumped a bit in surprise. He was forward, if anything. 

“Fred,” he calls out, getting the butler's attention as you try to hide yourself away, “Tell my mother I’ll be back in a bit.” The man just nods, opening up the front doors as Satoru leads the two of you out. 

The sun was out and working away, which didn’t help with the heat already prickling away through your skin. The Gojo estate was large, but hidden away, and for that you were glad. You could only imagine the gossip that would arise if certain ladies in society were to see you (helplessly) draped over the bachelor's arm. 

“Are you enjoying being back here?” You asked, trying to exert your confidence when you were feeling anything but. 

It’s not like you were unsure of yourself at most times, it’s just that when you’re around the one man you’ve been in love with since childhood and he feels nothing of the sort, you can’t help but be more conscious over everything. 

Satoru looked at you, shrugging as he pursed his lips, thinking of an answer. 

“I missed it,” he says, “But I mainly came back for my family and my friends and well…” He trailed off, chewing on his lip as he waved off his thoughts as if it didn’t matter, “Nonetheless, now that I’ve been around them, I remember why I wanted to leave.” 

And sometimes, despite him not wanting to, made you feel as if you were the most important person he’s had the pleasure of talking to, when in reality that’s just in his nature. 

“Is Lily pestering you too much?” You tease, a little smile on your face that wrinkles the edges of your eyes. He simply stared at you again, his eyes bright. 

“That,” he playfully tugged on your arm, “And the fact that my mother has bombarded me with the idea of marriage. And Luke is having troubles with his fiancé  and Annie doesn’t want to learn to read…it’s all just very chaotic.” He finished with a tired laugh, as if that’s all he could muster up. 

“Seems like a normal day in your house, if I’m being honest.” You lament, kicking a pebble with the point of your shoe. 

“I guess so,” he heaves a sigh that comes out dramatically, “Honestly, I don’t know how you’ve put up with it all these years.”

You scoff, digging your elbow into his side a bit to show that you were offended by his statement. 

“Your family is perhaps the closest thing I have to a second family!”

“And who says family can’t get on your last nerve?” He argued, and that shut you up. He was, indubitably, correct. 

“Yes, well,” you stumble to find some reasoning and he laughs seeing you falter, knowing that he got you cornered, “‘Toru, you are simply a horrible influence to be around.” Is all you can come up with, and despite the severity of your words it only seems to spur him on even more. 

“And yet you can’t seem to get enough of me, can you?” 

You almost stopped in your tracks, your heart seizing in your chest as you try not to fumble up your well-made facade of indifference. 

All you could remember upon his statement were the words he spoke so long ago, not knowing you’d heard them. 

“Charles, you don’t get it, I don’t want a wife!” Satoru exclaimed as he snapped at his friend. It was a gala held at the queen's palace and you had strayed too far away from Lily and found yourself hiding behind a wall as you eavesdropped on the conversation. 

“Not even the Princess?” Another man pushed as you heard Satoru let out a heavy sigh. You peeled around to see him pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“I don’t want to be tied down. You saw what happened to my parents.” He argued. A part of you sympathized with him. 

“Well,” you could make out this voice as his younger brother, two years older than you he went to thinking, “What about that friend of Lily’s? She seems nice enough.”

The hair on your arm pricked upwards. Surely they couldn’t be talking about you. 

“Who?” Satoru asks and his brother says your name in a hushed whisper, as if you held more weight in your title than the Princess did. 

“Her? No, absolutely not,” he said with such disgust that his friends thought he was joking, “You’re out of your mind if you’d think I’d want to court her.”

Your heart, full of love and hope and dreams cracked, crumbled in your chest. And you left, running away because that’s all you knew how to do and sobbed your eyes out to Lily, stating that you heard somebody talking bad about you, refusing to admit that it was her own brother that was causing you to break in front of her. 

A part of you felt pathetic for still caring for him after that night, but there’s not much fight in you when it comes to the people you loved. You pulled away, sure, and stopped your lame excuses of flirting, but you never stopped. He never found out that you heard, so he continued as your friend and you continued as the shameless woman. 

“Right,” you swallow thickly, glad that your estate is now growing closer and closer, knowing that you feel sick and can’t handle it anymore, “Thank you so much for your help, but I’m sure I can make the treacherous journey on my own now.” 

You wring your hand away from his arm, you smile wobbling as you tip your head in his direction, watching him try to make sense of your quick change in nature. 

“Let me take you up to your door,” he started but you raised your hand to silence him, shaking your head. 

“That would be too much to ask for. I will leave you here…um, Satoru,” you say politely, not noting the way his jaw clenched at your sudden formality when addressing him, “I’ll see you tomorrow, hopefully.”

And you left quickly before he could say anything else. You must stay focused on the reality of your situation;

Your best friend's brother just simply wasn’t in love with you. 

---

“Miss,” 

You perked up from your chair in your quaint little library, setting your book down as you watched one of the maids, Ella, politely calls from the door. 

“There’s a gentleman outside calling for you.”

Your brows furrowed as you found a marker so that you don’t lose your place and purse your lips together in questioning. 

“Do you know who…?” Your head cocked to the side as you stood up, walking near her as you wondered if it were that delivery boy who said he’d come with the new copies of the Brontë books you’d been eyeing for the past month. 

“It’s the Viscount Gojo, miss.” She said simply. 

Your face dropped, and you watched as confusion spread across hers. 

“Him? Here? Did he say what was wrong?” You began to rustle around, trying to find something to throw on top of your slip. 

Did something happen to Lily? Did she run away? Was their mother in trouble? You could recall her telling you that her head was aching, could something serious have happened because of that? Christ, you should have told somebody about it rather than comfort her and make her tea. Was he leaving again? Perhaps-

“He said he wanted to see you miss, that’s all he told me.” She seemed apprehensive, judging your face to see if you were maybe feeling ill due to your reaction. 

“Um, alright, just,” you hurried around, trying your fastest to get to your room, “Tell him I’ll be down in a few minutes! Don’t tell him I’m preparing myself, just say that I was discussing matters with somebody!” You call out as you sprint across the halls, not hearing any confirmation as you lock yourself in your room, ransacking your closet to find something not too flashy but not too boring. 

It took a good four minutes just to find a suitable dress and another five to make your face and hair look presentable enough as you scampered down the stairs only to find said Viscount waiting in the foyer. 

His face turned to yours as he heard your heels clicking on the marble, growing into a bright smile as he dipped his head down to greet you. 

“Hello,” he said your name with that smooth voice of his as he took his jacket off and kept it on his arm, “I’m sorry for turning up on such short notice.”

“It’s no problem,” you try to catch your breath for the first time in the last ten minutes as your chest heaves slightly up and down, “No problem at all. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

He takes a second to respond, eyes scanning your features, your clothing, your chest as it tries to catch a solid breath, and you feel yourself look down to make sure there aren't any noticeable wrinkles in the fabric. 

“I, I just wanted to drop in. See how you were doing.”

You tried not to look even more startled, but your brows creased once again as you gnawed on the inside of your cheek. 

“I’m quite alright…thank you…?” You couldn’t look that out of the ordinary, right?

“Good, that’s good,” he watched as you finished your descent down the stairs, slowly coming towards him as you waited for him to finish, “I’m sorry if I interrupted your conversation with…?” Ella did give him a name you wanted to guess. 

“Lord Cornwallis.” You finished for him, not knowing why that was the first name that came to your mind. It was true that he had been here yesterday, but you didn’t talk much to him in his brief visit. 

“Lord Cornwallis?” Satoru repeated back in shock, his brows shooting upwards as he did nothing to hide his outburst. His face quickly turned into one of disgust, which accurately represented the emotions you felt yesterday when you eavesdropped on the conversation he had with your mother behind closed doors. 

“Yes, you just missed him. He went out through the back door,” why were you making this web of lies even bigger? You have no self-control, do you?

“What was Cornwallis doing here?” 

You but your tongue, having to come up with a lie or tell the truth as to why he had visited yesterday. Either way, both options turned out with horrible results. 

“He asked for my hand.” The truth it was, then. 

His brows seemed to disappear into his hairline as his jaw slacked, mouth wide open. Damn your mind, you should have just lied. 

Lily was wrong in one thing, perhaps. You have gotten a few marriage offers in the last three years, but by all men who were older than your grandfather. You hadn’t even told Lily about them and now you were telling her brother. 

“I…” Satoru couldn’t even find the right words to say. You wanted to bury yourself in a hole. 

“…Cornwallis? Isn’t he-”

“Pushing ninety-nine? Yes.” Nobody was sure of his age, and ninety-nine was perhaps even being too generous. Everybody knew that Cornwallis was simply ancient. 

“Did I save you from the conversation at least? I must say, if there was any man I would wish ill upon, it’s certainly him. He’s a lying old cheat.” He tried to joke again but you swallowed thickly. Perhaps if he came at the same time yesterday he might have. But he didn’t and you had to sit through an hour of him pleading with your mother as the two of you just stared in abject horror and surprise. 

“Yes well, thank you…for doing that.” You lied, cleaning your teeth together as you tried to smile, not wanting to hurt his feelings as you came up closer to him, desperately hoping to change the topic of the conversation. 

“Is everything alright with Lily?” You asked his eyes that were focused on the floor jumping to yours as your lips parted, worry still clear on your face. 

“Yes, of course, I just wanted to ask a favor of you. But, judging from your encounter with men today I would understand if this is pushing it,” he cut right to the crux of the matter. He seemed nervous, which was an odd emotion to see on a man otherwise very confident and sure in himself. It unsettled you. 

You tilted your head, waiting for him to find his words and continue. You could make out the slight blush on his face, the pink hue that spread across his cheeks, and the tip of his nose. He was, by all means, the cutest person you’ve ever seen. 

“My mother's holding another ball, two weeks from now, you see,” his lip caught between his teeth, “And she’s been bugging me about having a date for the night. She wants to appease the rest of the gentry, I suppose. Would you, by any chance, like to be that?” 

You stopped computing his words. 

“...It’s honestly just to get her off my back. And you wouldn’t have to stay with me the entire evening, you could do whatever you’d like after we get some of the necessities over with. Lily was the first who suggested the idea, she said you wouldn’t be doing much other than gossip with her. Of course, if you don’t want to I certainly won’t force the idea, but it’s merely a suggestion.” His blue eyes, ever so convincing and round and caring bore into yours, and despite your better judgment you find yourself nodding. 

“I wouldn’t mind it,” you say a bit breathlessly, completely forgetting about Cornwallis and the way you were debating it and the fact that this means nothing at all, and would most likely cause you more harm than good. 

His nervousness washed away into a big smile, and you cursed yourself at the little flicker of hope you felt deep in your soul as he scrambled to find the right words to say to thank you. The flood of gratitude and appreciation stabbed deeply into your heart as he kept repeating friend, but you were too hopeful for love. 

Your mother always said that loving would always be your greatest weakness. 

---

You should have said no. 

The amount of eyes that were focused on you was enough to make you nauseous, and you couldn’t get sick for you hadn’t had anything to eat today with how hurried everything was. 

Your arm was draped around Satoru’s, and he held tightly onto your hand. He was the image of luxury and charisma right now, and if you were in the crowd looking as he made his way through the crowd you almost would have wanted to bow. 

Time came by a lot faster when you were totally freaking out over it, and before you knew it, you were put in a dress you hadn’t even picked and corseted to the heavens. Your hair was done with extra detail, and they even went as far as putting some Swarovski’s into it so that when the candlelight hit it, you’d sparkle twice as much. 

Satoru, ever the gentleman, had picked you up from your estate as he walked you to their home amidst all the chaos of getting ready for another ball. In all honesty, you have no idea how their mother manages to keep her sanity through all of this.

You were still a bit giddy from your earlier interaction with Satoru, although it didn’t do much to calm your nerves now. 

“I’m sorry for taking so long!” You had said as you rushed down your stairs, careful not to trip over your train as you put your earrings in. Ella said that he was waiting for you downstairs, you just underestimated how early he’d be. 

“Don’t apologize…” He had turned around from admiring a painting, his eyes widening a bit when he saw you. He quickly shut his mouth, but you had already gauged his reaction. You tried not to let it get the best of you, but you could have sworn he blushed more often than usual when you interlinked your arm with his.

“You’re cutting off my blood circulation.” He whispers in your ear as you try to smile, your eyes nervous as they dart around the room. How could it be even bigger than that last ball? Did they suddenly meet thirty new people? 

“Maybe you could cut mine off.” You snap back through your teeth, your hand gripping his wrist as tightly as you could. 

“How are we supposed to dance if one of us is dead?” He grumbles back, putting on a little grin as he makes eye contact with his mother, and then goes back to whispering, “It’s just one song and you’re done. You’ve done this before.”

You wanted to shove him to the ground. 

“No, I haven’t!” You say loud enough that he hears but try to mask it so that nobody else does, “I told you yesterday this is my first time dancing with somebody!” As embarrassing as it was to admit, right now you couldn’t be bothered to care as he led you to the middle of the room, standing in first position as you two waited for the orchestra to begin. 

“Are you saying I’m your first?” He teased, his tongue poking out from between his lips as he watched you grow mortified, rubbing the back of your hand in a comforting way as his means to apologize. 

You wanted to go ahead and argue but the cello and violins started and you were whisked away by his calculated movements, and the only thing you could do was follow in his lead. 

The two of you practiced a bit in the days leading up to this, but it was a lot different when your only crowd was Lily and her constant whining about how boring it was. 

Now, with everybody staring at you and him, it was far more daunting. 

“Don’t look at the ground, look at me,” he whispered in your ear, smiling when your eyes traveled to him. He tried not to crack when he saw the pure loathing and hatred in them, but at least you were looking up and not at his shoes. 

“‘Toru I’m never doing a favor for you again, you owe me.” You groan, letting him twirl you around in a circle as some of the ladies give a polite clap. 

“Name your price.” He egged you on, bringing you back flush against his chest as his hand found purchase on your waist. 

“Not money,” you grumble, eyes twitching as your heart beats rapidly in your chest, you’ve always wanted to dance with him, sure, but not under these circumstances. 

“Books?” You consider it but shake your head. You deserve something bigger for what you’re putting yourself through. Shocking enough, after being a wallflower for so many years, you weren’t handling being in the spotlight too well. 

“I’ll think about it. But it has to be big.” You warn and he lifts up his pinky on your waist to show you his unbridled loyalty to keeping true to your words.

“Where are you going after this is done?” He spins the two of you around, and you watch as more couples rush around the two of you. It’s less stressful when others are dancing, but you still feel tense. 

“I’m probably going to stay with Lily outside.” He seems to deflate a little, though he still stands tall, his suit never crinkling through his movements. 

“No more dancing?” He teased but you vehemently disagree with the idea. 

“Never again.” It’s not as though you hate it, in fact, a younger you would have been jumping with glee to be able to dance with Satoru. But after years of growing accustomed to watching rather than participating, you can’t grow out of that habit. 

You felt a tap on your shoulder and turned around to see the Princess herself as she looked at you with pleading eyes. 

“Would you mind if…?” She motioned to Satoru and then to you. You barely noticed the number coming to an end, and the rupture of applause was the last thing you heard before you scrambled away from him. 

You didn’t even notice how he had held onto your hand tighter, not wanting to let you go.

“O-of course, your majesty.” You winced at your select choice of words and how you said her title almost as if you questioned it. 

“Thank you.” She mumbled and for somebody of such high regard, you wouldn’t think of her to need to plead with somebody, especially you, to be able to have a dance with Satoru. 

Your job for the night was done, successfully might be too loose of a term, but finished nonetheless. You chose not to look back at Satoru, knowing that the wide grin he’d save for the girls he was interested in would only twist that knife deeper into your heart. 

You were a sadist in the most pathetic way possible.

You waved goodbye to Satoru as another number started again, and tried your best to get away from all the twirling bodies as you headed out to find Lily. 

It didn’t take long until you found her trying to weasel out some information from her brother, tapping him repeatedly on the shoulder as he tried to fight her off. 

“…what did you hear, what do you know?” She pressed as he groaned, obviously trying to have a private conversation with the lady next to him. 

“Nothing Lily!” He locked eyes with you as he almost begged silently for you to take her. 

“Lily, I’m here. We can go now.” You looped elbows with her as you dragged her away, giving her brother a quick smile that said you accepted his gratefulness. 

As you walked through the stone path in the garden, she muttered dejectedly about how she was just about to get some good information out of him. 

“How was dancing with Satoru?” She finally asked after a while. The two of you weren’t alone, but far less crowded than it would if you had been inside. 

“Stressful, but the song was short so I wasn’t needed for too long.” You tell her honestly. If there’s one thing you can’t do with Lily it’s lie, for she’ll sniff out of you the moment you come up with it. 

“You look flustered.” She noted, looking over your face and the sweat that dotted over your cheekbones. 

“You dance in a sweltering room like that with the entire ton looking at you and try not to get flustered.” You reasoned and she seemed to buy it. It wasn’t a total lie, but a stretch of the truth. 

“You know,” Lily had terrible balance and often collided with you as she walked, “I was talking to my mother and despite her insistent warnings, I think we should make it official.”

“Make what official?” The lights from the candles above you illuminated her face and she had that look of mischief that either excited or frightened you. 

“That we plan to be unwed.” She grinned cheek to cheek and all you could feel was that same wave of nausea that had been prickling at you since the start of the night. This was the last thing you needed to hear about right now. 

“They’re going to think we’re either lunatics or lovers.” You say with a sullen and heavy sigh, looking up at the sky in some sort of desperate manner as you wait for some sort of angel to save you from this conversation. 

“And what’s the issue with that? Let them think. You have always said you’ve wanted this, so let’s let the world know.” 

Something you wish Lily was was to be more aware. As loving, thoughtful and caring as she was, she never seemed to pick up on the little things. For one, you doubted she noticed just how quiet you got whenever she brought up this conversation. You’d give her the benefit of the doubt and say that you rarely talked much when it came to marriage, but that was just so that you could save yourself from the ongoing embarrassment of never having experienced love or some sort of feeling that somebody would feel towards you to genuinely want to be your husband. 

Not only that, but far from Lily's point of help, is the fact that ever since Satoru has been back, your childish feelings have come flooding right in with him. No matter how many tea sessions you have with Lily and have him sitting in the background, either reading the morning's paper or jotting things down in his journal, it always spins to him sitting right beside you as you talk about anything under the sun. 

And while you know your hopes of marrying him are just too far-fetched, you’ve always been a hopeless romantic. Something Lily just hasn’t ever been able to pick up on when around you. Which is shocking, seeing how the only novels you’ve read for the majority of your life was centered around such a topic. 

“Listen, Lily, I’ve been thinking,” you pause for a second in your place, staring at the pebbles arranged in the formation of a star as you swallow your bile, “That maybe…” 

You were nervously wringing your hands together, a sign that Lily knew all too well. She could read you like any of her books, and she let out a gasp, covering her mouth with a shaky hand as she pointed an accusatory finger at you. 

“No,” she dug the finger into your chest, “You’re thinking of breaking up the pact?” It comes out breathless. Her soft curls of white that had been done up beautifully were slowly falling down as she shook her head in pure shock, not giving you a chance to talk. 

“I mean this is just brilliant. Brilliant! What am I supposed to do now, go out into the world alone as a spinster?” 

You stuttered, your fingers interlaced with one another as you tried to calm her down from causing a scene. Trying to shush her came to no avail as you wring your hands away from her, acting as if your touch was burning. 

If the Gojo’s were anything, it’s overly dramatic in places where dramatics were certainly not needed. 

“Please be rational,” she urged you as she clutched onto your wrists, suddenly pleading to you with her wide eyes, “The season is almost over and you haven’t had any offers. Sooner than later we’re going to be thirty, then forty, then fifty, and husbandless. We should say it now so that it doesn’t come off as a pathetic cry to hold onto what little decency we have in the future!” 

Christ, you hated that she was being somewhat logical. But her rationality stung, the way melted wax does when it burns the skin. She didn’t know just how much she was hurting you, and you doubted she ever would. 

“Look, I know I’m probably not going to be offered a chance at marriage, but it wouldn’t hurt to at least try.” You try to reason with her as she sniffs, her eyes squinted as she looks at you in anger. 

“This was our pact and you’re going against it! What’s next?”

You were going to argue that this pact was only made on the basis of her having too much champagne to drink and you being sullen over her brother, but you were cut off from getting the chance to do so. 

“What’s your issue?” 

You turned around at the familiar voice as you saw Satoru nearing you, Lily continuing her rant as she seemed to completely miss that her brother was coming towards the two of you. 

“What?” You felt overwhelmed with having two Gojo’s corner you, both rather angry from the looks of it. 

“I know that this isn’t your scene but you said you’d be my date. You don’t have to dance with me, but at least be there.” He looks like he’s seething, and you’ve never seen this look on him before. It’s jarring, to say the least. 

You feel like your head is about to explode. 

“I just-”

“....and my mother was only more confident in the idea if you were doing it!” Lily exclaimed, causing you to look back at her as she urged you to think about it. 

“...my mother has given me at least twenty women to mull over in the last twenty minutes. It would have been none if you just acted as my date for the night!” Satoru’s voice rose, and you felt like your heart was going to actually stop. Your head was spinning, your vision was blurry, and you couldn’t hear anything besides a loud ringing in your ears. 

“I’m sorry but-” The two of them talked over you, so stuck in their own worlds that they didn’t notice the tears pricking at your eyes or the way you seemed to be short of breath. It would probably be one of their greatest flaws, never noticing something until it was far too late. 

“Stop!” You cried out, earning some looks from the people around you as you rubbed at your forehead, already feeling it ache under your touch, “Please! Listen, just for a bloody second!” 

You took a deep breath and began. 

“I’m a fucking romantic Lily, and nothing’s ever going to change that! I always have been! And I want to get married, I just agreed to your pact because I know I’m probably never going to get that chance! And god, how can your only takeaway from reading Persuasion be to abstain from marriage?” Your nose crinkles in anger as you turn around to point your finger at her brother's chest, watching as he takes your reaction in obvious surprise. 

“You!” You cry out and he almost backs away, “I was trying to give you some courtesy by leaving! God forbid you gave anybody the idea that you were courting me!” You quickly wipe at your eyes but it does fuck all of hiding how you truly felt as your lips wobbled.  

“Why would…?” He's breathless, no longer angry, just utterly confused and a wee bit frightened. 

“We both know you’re too good for that. How’d you phrase it, you’d be out of your mind if you did such a thing?” You throw his own words back at him, and you watch in some sort of mixture of triumph and heartbreak as realization washes over his features. 

He finally remembers. 

“I…” he swallowed thickly, running a hand through his hair as it fell out of his face, rubbing at his jaw as you looked at you from beneath his lashes, “I didn’t…” but he can’t finish his sentences and instead stops, sharing an unreadable look with his sister as they then look at you. 

“I’m going home.” You say after a beat of silence, breathing deeply through your nose as you look away from the two of them. 

“Let me-” Satoru started but you raised a hand to stop him. 

“I think I’d be better off alone.” You snap, nostrils flaring as you shake your head, pinching the bridge of your nose as you try to stop the already impending migraine that is about to come. 

For once in your life, you didn’t care about the eyes boring into your back or the way that whispers flew around you and twisted around your throat like a vine. You were glad that nobody else other than the servants was home as you ran up into your room, locking everybody else out as you sobbed into your pillows. 

---

The days following your (well-deserved) outburst were more than rough. 

To your knowledge, Lily has visited a total of ten times in the past five days, sometimes twice in the same one, while her brother has visited a grand total of zero. You didn’t expect much from him, but this really cemented your quickly growing disdain. 

Your mother informed you constantly that she was trying to put out the fires from that night but you couldn’t bring it to feel too bad, after all, you were glad that you didn’t say anything more drastic. 

“This is just so unlike you!” She cried, shaking in disappointment as you munched on some sweets you nicked from the kitchen. 

“I know,” you chuckled, “I’m so proud of myself.”

She just throws her hands in the air as a sign of utterly giving up and storms out of the room, most likely to meet with somebody else to “clean up the mess.”

She was right for some part, you can’t remember the last time you actually told somebody how you were feeling. It’s not healthy on your end, but growing up with three older sisters who always got it their way meant that you had some lack of backbone. 

Lily and Satoru, as much as you cared about them, didn’t live like that. Their mother loved them all equally and she made sure that all of their voices were heard. She was always making sure that their priorities were met and she never made them feel inferior. 

Which somehow, didn’t pass on to you. 

Loving the way you do got tiring when you got nothing back, and giving everybody your all when nobody seemed to notice it felt as though you were alone in a world full of people who cared for each other. You’ve read the books and heard the stories, but you eventually realized that it simply just wasn’t in your cards to be dealt the same thing. 

They cared, you know they did. But sometimes, it felt like they expected your care in order for them to show it to you. 

“Miss?” you heard a faint voice and a knock at your door. You sat up from your slump as Ella slowly came inside, shutting the door soundly behind her. 

“Did my mother ask you to make sure I haven’t flung myself off the balcony?” You dust away any crumbs from your pull over as you stare out the window. 

“I’m making sure you didn’t.” 

Your head snapped over at the familiar voice only to see Lily standing at the foot of your bed, looking out of place with her bright purple dress. She looked like she was teetering back and forth between staying out and sprinting away, and you admired her courage after how many times you’ve turned down her offer. 

You glared at Ella but she was no longer there, leaving you and Lily alone. 

“You’re just in time then.” You say blandly, standing up from your bed as you make the covers and are careful not to come too close to her. She seemed to notice. 

“We can’t go about this forever,” she stated, rounding the corner of your bed as she took three steps forward while you took one back, not wanting to be cornered again the way you were that night, “This silent treatment is killing me.”

“Then die,” you don’t mean it and she knows it, but her face wobbles for a second and you watch in horror as tears spring to Lily's eyes. 

The last time Lily cried the two of you were fifteen and her brothers had effectively ruined the singular dress she had actually been looking forward to wearing by staining it with ink. You spent at least an hour calling her down and trying to rationalize with her until you finally gave up and offered to cut holes in all of their suits. 

You’re not sure you could do that now. 

“I’m sorry!” She sprung herself forward at you with full throttle as she hugged you tightly, “You’re right! There’s nothing wrong with being a romantic!” You don’t know what to do as you stand there in shock so you awkwardly pat her back, her long white hair never loose so you’ve never really seen it to its full extent. 

“My brother and I have been at war with each other trying to put the blame on somebody else but I’m sorry! You of all people deserve to find love,” she looks up and her eyes just look like oceans and it’s unfair how pretty she looks when she cries because you just look like a mess, “Please, please forgive me.”

You look as she refuses to pull away from you, clutching desperately onto the thin fabric of your nightgown that your mother reprimanded you for not getting out of, and slowly feel your hands circle around her back as you pull her into a hug. 

“Honestly,” you shake your head as she looks up at you, cheeks rosy with streaks of tears and her lip wobbles violently, “I’m probably going to be on that pact ten years from now. But I just-”

“Want to try!” She finished your sentence for you, something the two of you always prided in being able to do, “and that’s respectable too!”

You try not to smile but the corners of your lips tug upwards as you nod, Lily waiting with bated breath as she scanned your reaction. 

“Don’t ever treat me like that again, you hear me?” 

She vehemently nods, pulling away as she wipes at her eyes, holding out her oinks finger as she waits for you to latch on. Sure, it was a childish way of making a promise, but Lily was never the serious sort of person. If anything, this is the most you’ve ever seen her apologize about something. 

“I promise with the depths of my soul. If I do, brand me with an iron.” Your eyes widen as you go to disagree but she won’t take it. 

“I swear.” She repeats gravely. 

You look at her pinky for another second before you bring yours up, not believing that this is still how the two of you go about making amends. 

“Alright then,” you heave a sigh, “I forgive you.”

Her face breaks into a wide and toothy smile as she pulls you in for a tighter hug, nearly knocking the air out of your lungs as she pulls back away. 

“You’ll never regret this, I swear,” she looked radiant, but quickly stopped as she looked down at the ground, trying to gather her thoughts on how to break the news to you, “Now, be prepared for another one.” 

You blink slowly, brows furrowed in confusion as you lean on your bedpost, arms crossing as your lips purse. 

“What?” 

She almost looks ashamed again, looking at the clock on your wall. 

“My mother’s invited you over for dinner. Get ready to see the other Gojo.”

---

Your mother, as difficult as she was to deal with at most times, somehow understood the concept of showing off through a good wardrobe. 

You wouldn’t put any bets on the fact that if your outfits were significantly better you might have had at least one man approach you in all these years, but it certainly could have been a possibility. 

The cut was lower than all your normal dress, and with the help of your corset, pushed the sisters up a considerable amount. 

The color was the most flattering you’ve ever seen, and through the utilization of crystals and diamonds encrusted in the fabric itself, it shined perfectly when the light hit it. 

For the first time, you were glad your mother picked out your outfit. 

Unfortunately, the outfit gave you only so much confidence. When you walked into the Gojo estate, thankfully with Lily on your side, all the memories from that night came flooding back and your stomach flipped upside down. 

You were glad that Lily was seated next to you at the dinner table as well, but it didn’t help that Satoru was seated in front of you, glaring daggers into your face as you tried to avoid looking at him. 

“Now, you didn’t tell me about your plans for the next year, with the season already coming to an end.” Their mother, bless her heart, asked as she loaded some peas into her fork, looking at you with her kind eyes as you struggled to think of a good enough answer. 

“I’m planning on taking a marriage offer up, actually,” you say, trying not to look at Lily for you knew she was already giggling.

In the past five hours, you filled her in on everything, and she decided the best way to get Satoru to say something was if you went with the idea. 

“Oh?” You watched as she perked up in interest, as did the rest of the Gojo family. An offer? 

“Yes,” you nodded, “Lord Cornwallis, actually, if you’ve heard of him?” 

Lily was gleaming as she saw her brother clench his jaw as he stared at the side of your face that was still looking at their mother. 

“L-lord Cornwallis?” You felt bad for lying to her, but you could just come back later and say you’ve changed your mind, “He must be at least-”

“Ninety-nine?” You answered for her as her cheek warmed, “Some say he’s just in his prime, yes.” 

She drank some of her wine. 

“Isn’t that desperate?” Satoru finally said and you heard a loud clatter from the end of the table as their mother angrily sat her cup down, glaring at her son. 

“Satoru!” She exclaimed, the rest of the girls and boys watching in tense silence as they waited for your reply. 

“It’s alright,” you shrugged, fiddling with the bracelet on your wrist, “And yes, it could come off as desperate. However, I would rather go to a man who finds no problem in courting me rather than somebody who’d tell the whole world just how much it would disgust him to be seen with me.”

You could swear you heard a tooth crack. 

“I’m sorry, am I missing something-” One of the brothers piped up but Satoru acted as if he hadn’t heard him. 

“Well if that man were drunk out of his wits-”

“Then he let his sober thoughts reign free.” You finish for him, nostrils flaring as Satoru twisted the ring on his forefinger back and forth. 

“Again, Miss Gojo, I’m simply thinking over his offer.” You finish, seeing how she could barely take her eyes off of her son as she blinked towards you, giving a shaky smile as she nodded. 

“Of course, there’s no…no problem in that.” She swallowed uncomfortably, as did everybody else. You peeked over at Lily to find her just as you suspected, beaming with silent joy. 

“If you wouldn’t mind, I think my dress has come a bit undone. I’m going to call for somebody to fix it.” You say, excusing yourself as you try to go ahead with the plan you had set in the first place. 

“Make him mad, really mad. Say something about Cornwallis, he despises him,” Lily muttered, sitting cross-legged on your bed as she urged you to listen to her directions, “Then excuse yourself. Say you’ve got to use the privy or something, doesn’t matter.”

You nodded, listening intently as she laid it on thick for what she had been picking up on for the past couple of days. 

“Go upstairs and find his room, you know where it is. Be quick with it too, but there’s this box on his desk that’s full of letters. I swear on my Austen collection that there is a letter with your name on it.”

You felt your heart tumble. 

“Are you sure?” You asked, glancing at the clock to make sure you wouldn’t be late to dinner. 

“Positive. And I’d get it if I could, but he’s so secretive with his room that this is probably the one time it’s going to be unlocked. He’d never suspect anybody going snooping at this hour.”

You grinned, knowing that if you finally got that little something to use against him, he’d have no choice but to grovel at your feet for the rest of his life. 

You quickly scampered up the stairs, telling one of their mates that you’d be able to fix your dress on your own and that you’d be stashed away in Lily's room for the time being, and mentally times yourself as you quickly paced through the halls, looking for the familiar dark oak that would be Satoru’s room. 

Just when you were about to get lost in their maze of a house, you stopped triumphantly behind the last door at the end of the hall, staring deeply at it as you weighed your options. 

You quickly caved, slowly reaching out to the doorknob to see if it was locked. 

It swung open, and you let out a sigh of relief and looked around a final time to make sure that nobody had followed you before you fully let yourself inside. 

It was dark, and you left the door slightly open so that the light from the halls could sleep in a bit, and you went to work on locating the box on his desk that Lily had described to you. 

You squint your eyes, wincing as you bumped into furniture as you made your way to the corner of the large room, blindly reaching and grabbing for anything on the mahogany desk that would resemble a box. 

You let out a sound of triumph as you found a square-shaped glass-feeling thing filled to the brim with papers, holding it upwards to the sliver of light as you quickly ran through the letters with your fingers and you tried to find one with your name on it. 

They seemed like they were all unsent, with many of them labeled to his mother or siblings, and a few to his friends, but you didn’t find any of them labeled to you, and you quickly felt your heart and hopes sink. This was taking far too long.

Just as you were about to give up, you passed a smaller shaped letter with cursive that looked familiar, in the sense that you had seen it addressed before, and pulled it out only to see your name staring back at you. 

A part of you almost wanted to sink into the chair behind the desk, your heart beating rapidly in the small vastness of your ribcage as you held it back up to the light, seeing a note tucked neatly away through the transparency of the envelope. 

Your nimble fingers went to rip the seal of wax off, but stopped as the door swung open. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Satoru stood at the doorway, blocking the rest of the light as his shadow cast over you. 

You dropped the letter, quickly hiding it behind your back as he stepped in, getting closer to you as you abruptly stood up, trying to come up with a feasible lie as you rounded away from his desk, trying to get away from him and his massive build. 

“Oh?” You looked around as if suddenly realizing this wasn’t the place you were supposed to be, “Is this not Lily’s room? Silly me, I couldn’t make it out in the dark. I’ll be leaving now if you’ll excuse me…” You turned around, brushing past him but stopping when you felt his long fingers circle your wrist, turning you around as his eyes squinted. 

“Bullshit,” you flinched, never having heard him curse before as his hands felt around yours, finding the letter you were doing a terrible job of hiding, “You know this house better than your own. Why the hell are you in my room?” 

You didn’t say anything as he brought your hand out from behind your back, opening up your closed fist with much ease to reveal the crumpled-up envelope. Your chest heaved up and down, waiting with bated breath as he stared silently at the letter. You balled your fists back up again, stepping away from him as he followed you quickly in your footsteps. 

“Give that to me y/n,” his voice was low and commanding, unlike anything you’ve ever heard before, and if you weren't in your rebellious mood (and somewhat in your independent, not totally in-love-with-him mood) you would have caved, but you shook your head, looking behind you as to make sure you didn’t back into his bed frame. 

“It’s got my name on it.” You argued, knowing it was a terrible excuse, and you watched him chuckle darkly, knowing that you had no good reason for being in his room and sifting through his letters. 

“And yet it was in my room, in my letterbox, on my desk.” He snapped, eyes a deep blue and different from the usual lightness they carried. He wasn’t joking and he wasn’t lying, he needed that letter back. 

Which just made you want it even more. 

You didn’t know what to do, so the only logical thing in your sporadic mind was to shove it down your dress, hiding it in your chest as Satoru watched your movements like a hawk, not saying anything as you defiantly showed him your now empty hands. 

“Get it now Satoru,” you challenged him, not realizing you had backed up into the wall until your head lightly bounced off from it, wincing at the sting as you looked back behind you. 

He didn’t say anything, and it seemed like his mind was running as quickly as it could as he tried to deal with whatever it was you were doing. Instead, he just three more languid steps forward, nearly face to face with you as he stared down at you, eyes darting from yours to your lips and chest. 

Under any other circumstances, you would have felt like shedding your clothes off from how heated you felt under his gaze. Here, your only resort was to keep them on, to see what was so important about that letter. 

“I came to find you to apologize,” his voice is low and calm, his cool breath hitting your cheek as you struggle to keep your composure, “To be civil. To tell you that I didn’t mean anything I said that night.” 

Despite your mixed emotions, you felt your brows furrow at his select choice of words. 

“Are you here to tell me now that you actually meant every word?” You couldn’t stop the words as they tumbled out of your mouth, knowing that the answer would probably send you into a state you could never get out of as the person you’ve loved for the majority of your life confirms your biggest fears.

But shockingly, he just shakes his head, his lips pink and plush and you’ve never found yourself focusing on them more than you are now. 

If only you knew that he felt the same as he looked at you. 

“No,” he stepped closer, if possible, but still had room to shove him away. But you didn’t, not now, you couldn’t, didn’t want to as his nose nudged yours a bit, your lashes fluttering against your cheek as your lips parted, waiting for him to do something, 

“I’ll show you that I didn’t mean them.”

You couldn’t breathe, your lungs contracting as his face fell towards yours, your lips meeting ever so slowly as they finally landed on yours, soft and somehow delicate as they pushed against yours, finalizing the kiss as he began to move them. 

You’ve never kissed anybody before, often dreaming about it as you lay in bed hopelessly in love, but never thought you’d be here from the man you’ve imagined on the other side doing it with him. 

He moved slowly as if he knew that this was your first time, and you didn’t know how to handle your emotions as he angled his chin to get closer to you, his lips capturing you in such a heated and feverish pace that you knew you weren’t going to be able to sleep tonight as you thought back on it. 

His hands slowly came up to your waist, tugging you flush against his body as your hands somehow found their way behind his neck, finger curling into his long strands of arctic white as he groaned against you when you tugged a bit, the sound coming from deep within his chest. 

You were impatient, always have been, and it probably took him a little bit by surprise as you quickened the pace, hungry after so many years of starving for this as you pushed against him for more fervor, feeling him smile slightly against your lips as he met you in the middle, fingers digging into the fabric of your dress as you whined slightly as the feeling. 

He nipped at your lips, his tongue poking out from in between yours, and you absentmindedly opened your mouth a little bit to make room for him, heart and mind working in tandem as he brought up a hand to cradle the back of your head, making sure it didn’t hit the wall as he pushed against you. 

It was messy and hurried, and for once, it felt as if he felt the same you were feeling. As if he too wanted this, needed this more than air itself, and that thought alone made your mind stop functioning. 

Your hands moved from his neck to his chest, fingers clutching onto the satin fabric of his suit, wrinkling the fabric as your noses bumped against each other, sheer desperation showing from the two of you. 

“Viscount Gojo?” 

The two of you almost jumped at the knock that sounded from the door. 

“Your mother is asking where you are. She’s worried about the lady as well,” Fred didn’t peek his head in, and for that you were grateful. You were sure you looked like a total mess at the moment, but Satoru spoke, glancing at the door as he took a deep breath, almost as if it was his first time breathing in a couple of minutes. 

“Tell her that we’re working things out. It’ll take a bit more time.” His voice sounded steady enough, but from where you were standing you could see how swollen his lips were, the fact that they were red and glistening with sweat. His hand on your waist tightened as if he didn’t want to let you go, and your hand lay flat against his chest.

“Of course,” Fred answered, “Take your time.” He shut the door completely, and the two of you waited until you heard his footsteps becoming softer and softer until you could no longer hear them. 

You waited, looking in the direction for another second before you looked up at him only to see his eyes gauging yours for a reaction, somehow a storm going on behind them as he battled twenty different emotions. 

“I’m still hurt Satoru,” you whisper, his eyes never changing but his shoulders tense a bit as you drop your hands away from him, as if you were suddenly coming to your senses and realizing what you had just done, “I can't forgive you this easily.”

You don’t know how to handle your feelings sometimes, and sometimes they catch up to you later than they should. You could still hear his words from that night ringing around your mind and nothing was stopping it no matter how hard you tried. 

“Come get the letter when you’re ready to apologize with more than just your lips.” 

You look back up at him one more time before you push away, feeling him lightly move away from you to give you space as you smooth out the front of your dress, touching your face to make sure that none of the makeup and powder that was swiped against your face wasn’t wrecked as you left. 

You don’t look back as you left him silently in his room, shutting the door behind you as you stopped, taking a deep breath to calm your nerves as you went back down to dinner. 

---

A week passed since your night with Satoru, and you’ve come to terms with the fact that he regrets it. 

It hurts, it hurts even more when you convince yourself that he probably was trying to take pity on you and test how true his old words were, but you couldn’t spiral, knowing that it would cause even more turmoil. 

Lily came by regardless, under the impression that you and her brother made up and are on better terms, and you're in no rush to tell her the truth of what happened. 

She asked about the note, but you insisted that you couldn’t find it. She grumbled that he probably threw it away after she pestered him constantly about it. 

“What about Lord Balfour?” She was sprawled out on your bed, her legs crossed resting it up against the wall with her head at the opposite end, looking on a piece of parchment in which she had gone around asking for men looking for marriage (and a true romantic connection, she stressed). 

“Hm, too bald,” you said, sitting in your vanity, washing off the rest of the powder on your face as you dipped the soft cotton cloth back into the pitcher of water as you looked at her through the mirror, “Isn’t he a year younger than us?”

She pouted as she thought, looking back to her list as she crossed off that name. 

“Count Alexei?” She seemed to like this one and you set your towel down, trying to place a face to the name. 

“Isn’t he from Russia? Wouldn’t it be difficult for him to come back and forth?”  You asked and she nodded, although she seemed more sad that you didn’t want him. 

“Have you just gone around the ton asking if anybody’s looking for marriage?” You teased and she turned around, sitting up as she wiped the hair out of her face. 

“I take your journey to find true love very serious,” she argued and you snorted, knowing that it was a kid if that and the fact that she liked judging the men of the higher class, “Are you complaining?”

“No, of course not.” You turn around from your chair as you face her, urging her to continue. 

“Duke Cambell?” She looked up from the list with a raised brow, only to find you looking the same, taking more time to consider the name. 

“He explicitly stated he’d consider marriage? With me?” You tilt your head to the side. Surely it would be too good to be true. He wasn’t too pretty, nobody was like Satoru, but he wasn’t that bad to look at either. 

“He seemed quite eager about it, actually.” She said, and you smiled a bit, feeling like a silly schoolgirl with the way you ducked your head. 

“He’s a bit shy, isn’t he?” You said with a little giggle and she snorted, nodding as she circled his name and put a question mark next to it. 

“Just means he’s more apt to moan louder,” she said blandly and your mouth dropped, burrowing your face in your hands at her very open nature. Even after ten years it sometimes caught you off guard. 

“Lily!” You shouted, trying to hold in your laugh, and she just looked at you as if you should have expected this as she rose from your bed, stretching her arms above her head as she let out a frantic yawn. 

The sun had already set and she knew her mother would be expecting her to arrive soon, and you went to stand but stopped you. 

“No need to stand, I’ll bid farewell from here.” 

You rolled your eyes at her dramatics, picking up the cloth again as you dabbed at your cheeks. 

“I assume you’ll be here tomorrow?” Crossing your legs as she shrugged as if it was the most obvious answer in the world. 

“Yes. In fact, I’ll leave this prized list with you so that you can mull it over,” she walked over a bit and set it down on the top of your vanity, looking at you as she put a solemn hand on your shoulder, “Do think over Count Alexis. He is rather dreamy.” 

You chuckled, waving goodbye to her as she left the door with a litter thud, blowing kisses as you snorted at her exaggerated act, turning back around to your mirror as you wiped away the remaining bits of your makeup. 

You were already in your dressing gown, the material soft and light on your skin as you set the cloth back down, drying your face off with another one as you got ready to sleep. 

With meticulous care you took your earrings off and began to work on your necklace but struggled with the finicky clasp, your thumb slipping just as you were about to get it. You let out a quick groan of frustration, shutting your eyes as you tried not to lose your temper over a necklace.

“Do you need help with that?” 

You were getting better at controlling your reactions, but your eyes snapped over to the top of your mirror as he stood there, shutting the door behind him. Your hands fell to your lap as you silently seethed. 

Ella was never going to hear the end of it. 

You said nothing and he quietly walked over to where you sat with your back to him, opting to look at him through your mirror as his slender fingers slowly came up to your neck. 

“I’m getting rid of my maid.” You mutter eyes dropped to your lap as you try to control your breath as his fingertips touch your delicate skin, gingerly getting to work of undoing the clasp. He didn’t say anything and the only sound that filled the room was your slow little puffs of air, trying to get your pulse to stop from doing the strange rhythmic beating it always did when you were around him, as if he somehow became the conductor of your heart. 

You heard a small click and the necklace became undone, and he gathered it in his palm as he set it down next to your little trinkets, dropping his hands from your shoulder as his cerulean eyes found yours once again, and you looked away, his deep stare burning through yours. 

“Don’t,” his voice came out rough as if he hadn’t made much use of it for a while, “She’s always turned me away when I came asking for you. I weasled my way through her right now, almost blew my cover when Lily was leaving.” 

Oh.

“I’m over it.” No, you weren’t, but you wouldn’t admit that out loud.

You opened up the drawer to the left of you, moving some little cases of jewelry around as you found the letter you had hidden away as you brought it out, setting it on the desk as you stood from your chair, pushing it back in as you faced him, “Take it. I didn’t read it.” Despite how much you wanted to, you just couldn’t bring yourself to stoop that low and read through something he didn’t want you to see. 

He glanced over at the letter and then at you, taking the letter with careful movements as he found the letter opener scattered on your desk, ripping through the wax as he opened it up, passing the envelope back to you. 

“Read it.” 

You certainly weren’t expecting that. 

“What?” You couldn’t blink, looking at his outstretched hand that held the very thing that had been bothering you as if it was nothing, “I don’t-” 

“Go on,” he urged quietly, his voice caught in the back of his throat, “Read it out loud. Please.” 

You looked at him once more to make sure he wasn’t going crazy before you gently took it from his hands, your fingers brushing past each other as you opened it up, taking out the letter as you unfolded it, taking a deep breath as you prepared yourself for the worst. 

“I’m terrible at writing letters, you should know,” you start, squinting as you move closer to your candle so that you can read it better, “And you should know that I’ve written this twenty other times. I have-

“Twenty balled-up pieces of paper next to me,” Satoru finished the sentence, not looking at the letter once as he read it from memory, “If only you could see the mess,” he paused, his hands shaking a bit as he continued, “I apologize for not sending as many letters to you as I should, but aside from my travels which have proven to do nothing other than make me regret leaving, I only have one other thing left to tell you. 

“I love you. I’m in love with you. I thought that it would do me some good to leave and get some time to think about how bad it would be if I said out loud that I was in love with the girl who’s my sister's best friend, but I’ve simply gone mad over needing to see you again. I’m in Paris, which is coincidentally the city of love but I’ve grown bitter and resentful over the fact that the woman I love is an ocean away from me. I can’t do it anymore. No, scratch that, no, I can’t do this other letter…” 

“...It’s too pathetic. You’re worth more than this.” You concluded, reading along because you couldn’t be yourself to look up at him, knowing that you simply would break apart and couldn’t take it as you heard the three words you’ve wanted to hear from the man that you never thought would say them. 

You looked at the paper, eyes scanning each word again as you let out a heavy sigh, feeling like you were living in a dream that was wrapping its arms slowly around you and whisking you away. 

“That night, I projected. I don’t know why I said what I said, I just know that thinking it over told me everything I needed to know and I acted like a coward and a fool and I hurt you when really, I love you. I love you, I’ve never stopped. I burn for you, and I always will.” He whispered, his eyes wet with unshed tears as he cleared his throat, wiping at his nose as he sniffled. 

You’ve never seen him like this, exposed and raw. But you knew that you mirrored his emotions, knew that you were in the same state that he was for he carefully brought his hand up to your cheek, wiping a tear away as he cupped your face in his hands. 

“I know that it would be too much to ask for your forgiveness, but please, I don’t know how much longer I can go without at least seeing your face, hearing your voice, your laugh, you’re kind, kind heart.” His hands trailed down your face, down your arms, and your waist, settling on your hips as he ducked his head downward, tears sliding down the curve of his nose as he did something unexpected. 

The Viscount Gojo Satoru began to kneel. 

You froze, looking down in shock as he bowed his head in shame and apology. 

“‘Toru, please, I,” your voice broke and you quickly wiped your tears away, taking his hands that were sprawled out across your waist as you held them, not knowing how to handle this display of vulnerability as you gently made him look up at you, “Just tell me one thing.” 

His thumb caressed the back of your hand, giving a soft nod as he whispered; “anything,” and his hand moved up your waist, holding your back as your hands unknowingly went to his hair, moving it away from his face as your fingers twirled and played with his white strands, basking in the sense of having him at his knees for you. 

“Why did you wait so long to come back?” Your voice is barely audible as it cracks, a year of missing him and ten years of longing for him coming out as he shakes his head, almost as if he was more remorseful about it than you could ever imagine, and he shifted so that he wasn’t resting on his ankles anymore, digging deep into his pocket as he brought out a little box. 

“I went back to Japan. I was trying to find this little ring my father gave my mother back when he started to pine after her,” he opened up the box, a delicately cut blue diamond rind resting on a thin gold band stared back at you, shining in the candlelight, “I wanted to give it to you as a promise…” and he trailed off, a blush spreading across his cheeks as he suddenly became a bit embarrassed, pocketing the box again as he looked back up at you. 

“What was the promise?” You can barely hear your words over the thumping of your heart. 

He swallows, slowly coming to standing back up, never losing his hold on you, clutching onto your thin nightgown as if it was the only thing grounding him to reality. 

“That I’d marry you one day.” He whispered back, his voice hushed as if he didn’t want them to escape the vicinity of your room, this shared space between the two of you in which you stripped each other bare to the soul, only the find that they longed to be in each other's place even when they were miles apart. 

Just as he did so many nights ago, he leaned closer to you, giving you time and space to push him away, to yell, to scream, but you didn’t, nudging his nose with yours as your lips found each other, this time quick and rough and not wanting to be patient because there was no room for such a thing. 

He let out a small groan as you tugged on the hairs at the back of his nape, pushing you further down until your back hit one of your windows, feeling the cool night air from the glass as it traveled through the thin cotton of your slip

It seemed like something in him was finally let go, and you as well, and everything came tumbling down in the best way possible. 

It was so messy and rushed and desperate that you felt like you were going to faint, the air from your lungs being stolen by his hungry and greedy lips as he pushed back roughly against you, needing to taste you, feel you, or else he simply wouldn’t make it. 

Satoru tapped the back of your thighs, urging you to wrap your legs around his torso as you pulled away slightly, questioning him as he scoffed at your doubt. 

“I spent a year getting bigger and stronger for you,” he murmurs against your lips, “and the first thing you said when you saw me was oh. Come on,” he nipped at your lips, his boyish and charming smile growing when you whimpered, “Test me out.” 

You gave in, standing on your toes as you did what he asked, and you let out a little laugh of surprise at how he wasted no time wrapping his arms tightly around your waist as he smirked, going away from the ball as he led you to your bed, basking in the sound of your twinkling laughter as you admired him in all his glory. 

“I shouldn’t have doubted you,” you tease and he snorts, fixing your gown as he hovers above you. He was huge, so much bigger than you anticipated in your imagination, but it was so much better than you ever could have thought. 

“I’d never lie to you,” he promised, pressing another chaste kiss to your lips that left you breathless as he continued downwards, pressing kisses down your jaw, and your neck, spending time as he sucked at one of your vital points, enjoying the way you sounded like you had run a marathon. 

He looks stunning here; his lips look bruised and swollen, pink and wet with spit. He couldn’t keep his eyes off of your body, and if you weren’t crazy about how he looked at you, you would’ve shielded yourself away in embarrassment. 

But he didn’t give you any time to think it over, pushing past your loose nightgown as he pressed delicate pecks to your shoulders and upper chest region, looking up at you to make sure it was okay to continue. 

You quickly nodded, eager to see what he was going to do. 

“Mind if I take this off?” He asks, tugging at the ends of it as you look at him from beneath your lashes, trying to feel indifferent as you shrug, but the way you smile giddily gives away just how badly you want him to. 

“I wouldn’t mind.” You help him move it upwards, your arms coming out from the sleeves as the chilly air hits your naked skin, and you suddenly realize just how out in the open you are compared to him. 

Out of second nature, you go to cover your chest but he tsks, gently pushing your hands away as he eyes your breasts, looking like he had just come back from staring at the sistine chapel with the way he looks at you. 

Your nipples harden from how cold it was, and he slowly dips his head down to one of your tits, kissing the soft and supple skin as he inches closer to your bud, finally latching his mouth onto it as you throw your head back, arching your back into his lips as he sucks like his life depends on it. 

“S-shit, ‘Toru, so good,” you mewl, wrapping your hands around his neck as he flattens his tongue against your nipple, his teeth grazing the sensitive area as you whine even louder, not seeming to care if anybody outside your door could hear. 

His other hand lathes onto your other one, not wanting to leave her unattended as he pinches your nipple between his two fingers, twisting it just enough to make you shut your eyes at how good the attention feels. 

“Let me hear you,” he groans into your skin, looking up at you as you try to cover up your mouth with your hand, “I’ll stop if you cover up that pretty mouth of yours.” 

You simply nod, leaving your shaky hand to grip your bed sheets as he switches his mouth and hand with each other, giving you different sensations to wrap your hands around as you feel a deep part of your pulse, needing more of him. 

“‘Toru, please,” your voice comes out shaky as he releases your tit with a pop, his hands going down to hold onto your hips as you bring his chin up for another kiss of swapping spit with him, growing to appreciate the lewdness of it all as you lay feather light kisses on his jawline, feeling him shudder beneath you, “Wan’ more.” 

At any other time, he would have drawn this out, would have teased and prodded at you to use your words, to tell him where you needed him most, but he couldn’t wait with you, wanting to have a taste of you himself. 

So his wolfish grin comes back, his hand traveling down your stomach, stopping just above your mound as he cocks a brow at the way you seem to grow impatient, reaching the place you seemed to have in mind. 

“Here?” He asked quietly, his pointer finger moving to find your clit as you let out a quiet gasp, his expert fingers having nothing on your inexperienced ones. Sure you’ve touched yourself deep into the night when you made sure everybody was asleep, but it never felt like this. 

You couldn’t speak, so you nodded again, and that seemed to be good enough for Satoru as his finger moved down to your lips, a deep groan coming from within his chest as he felt how wet you were, and prodded his finger at your tight walls, slowly pushing past them as he seemed to be in a trance. 

You sucked him in so delightfully, pulsing against his as your slick stained his finger, making it easier for him to fuck you with a little bit more pace, careful not to hurt you, as he brought it back up to circle at your clit, trying to find what places you liked to be teased most. 

“O-oh my god,” your eyes rolled back in your head as his long find pushed back against your gummy walls, his other thumb finding your nub as you whined even louder, not used to feeling this good, spreading your legs out even further as you tried to make room for him. 

“There you go, s’perfect,” he said against your skin, dipping down as he moved a hand to keep your thighs further apart, “Mind if I have a taste?” And you were in another dimension, just cradling his neck as you pushed him to go further. 

He chuckled darkly, nearly going insane as he neared your glistening pussy, eyes growing dark as he moved his fingers away so that his tongue could have its turn, and you swore you almost came right there. 

He licked gingerly, savoring you first as he groaned, his thumb never giving up on circling and massaging your clit, but he began to eat you out as his life depended on it, licking and sucking like you were his last meal. 

“‘Toru, ‘Toru, fuck!” You screamed, biting your lip harshly as you kept your finger tight around his hair, “Don’t stop, please!” 

“F-fuck,” he murmured, coming up for a quick breath as he looked at you from his long white lashes, “Fucking kill me if I ever stop, okay?” 

He goes back in with the same amount of fervor, your chest moving up and down as you arch into his mouth, your jaw going slack as you quickly feel that rope in your stomach tightening, embarrassed at coming so early but knowing that there was no way you could stop yourself with the way he fingered you out at the same time he ate you out. 

“I’m yours,” he said against your skin, “I’ll always be yours.” It was out of place, but it seemed like he was branding it into your skin so that everybody else knew, knew that he belonged solely to you.

It was too much, and you felt like you were slowly losing your ability to think, talk, or do anything, and the only thing you could feel was him, and you felt it all coming to a crescendo as his mouth latched onto your clit, letting it all go as you came into his mouth. 

“‘M c-coming, mmmm fuck!” You couldn’t even believe the sounds you were making as you clenched around his finger, your essence coating his chin and hand as your legs were trembling, glad that he held a stable hand on your waist. 

You saw white for a couple of seconds, taking even longer to catch your breath, your tits rising and falling with each heave, and you suddenly felt like you came back down to earth, peeking out from an eye to see Satoru smiling down at you, his face soft and you whined in shock at what just happened, hiding your face into one of your pillows as he laughed lowly, the sound dripping down your ears like warm honey. 

“You just came around me, no need to be modest now.” He gently moved your face away from the sanctuary of your pillow so that you could look at him again, and he leaned down, pressing one final kiss to your lips, letting you taste yourself on him as you let out a muffled moan. 

“How do you feel?” He asked as he pulled away, sitting on his haunches, letting you drape the blanket around your sweaty chest as you tried to sit up, shaking a bit as you tried to recover from your mind-breaking orgasm. 

“Good,” you say groggily, wiping at your eyes as you give him a lazy, languid smile, “Really good.” 

“Yeah?” He asks, chuckling as you nod, finding his hands as you play with his long fingers, and he lets you watch as you let them entangle with each other, somehow feeling more connected through this than the previous activity as you slowly pull him back down towards you, wanting nothing more than to curl into his chest. 

“Give me a second love,” he wanted the same thing, but he pulled away, “Let me clean you up.” 

You didn’t fight it and let him go, watching as he found the pitcher of water on your desk as he found a clean rag and wet it, coming back to your bed until his eyes caught something under the sheets. 

He picked it up, reading it as he sat down next to you, running the cold towel across your thighs as you let out a little whimper at the temperature. He pressed an apologetic kiss to your forehead as he turned the paper around in silent questioning. 

Your eyes widened, trying to take it away but he held it above your head. If you had more fight in you, you might have wrestled for it, but you gave up, letting him clean you up as he tried not to laugh at how measly it was. 

“I doubt Cambell would know how to make you come.” He finally says, throwing the rag away somewhere as you groan, pushing his face slowly away as you try to fight the giddy laugh that was going to bubble its way from your chest. 

“Stop! Lily was just trying to help!” You argue and he waves his hands, loosening the buttons of his tunic as he crawls in next to you, pulling you flush against him as he kisses the tip of your nose. 

“It’s fine love,” he nestles his nose in your hairline, smiling when you hitch a leg over his, “You’re mine now.” 

You look up at him, tracing over his features with the light touch of your fingertips as he leans into your warmth. 

“Do you promise?” 

He gives a single nod, sliding the delicate ring over your finger, and closes his hand around yours. 

“Promise.” 

[jadeylovesmarvelxo]

18+ mdni. Smut and jealous reader deciding to cause a little chaos.

Popular bitchy reader grows annoyed over Eddie's attention being directed at the new girl in Hellfire.

🎀✨

You were used to Eddie's attention being only on you, the both of you driving each other crazy and continuously trading barbs and witty banter.

Robin was deadly serious when she told Steve the latest gossip about you two, that she was sure that your arguing was some weird form of foreplay. Both of you for sure got off on it.

Now though? now you were bored, upset and very pouty. The latter which Eddie secretly loved and it was all because of her, the new girl at Hellfire.

Her name was Kimberly and she was your mortal enemy, or as mortal enemy as one could get in senior year at High School.

At least for this week.

Eddie had of course noticed how pissed you were at him hanging and paying attention to someone other than you. He knew you were jealous and he was waiting for you to admit it.

Meanwhile if you heard Eddie laugh at Kimberly's joke one more time you were going to lose it.

So instead of whining and crying about Eddie being so focused on someone else you decided to distract yourself.

Distraction came in the form of Jason, much to Eddie's fury which made your flirting with Eddie's enemy all the more sweeter. Eddie's rants against the dark side escalated by the day and he takes particular care in calling out Jason, and the "balls he throws into laundry baskets being bigger than Jason's own balls"

It's thrilling watching him be so jealous, serves him right for trying to make you pissed and envious over whatshername.

Eddie finally cracks on Friday and walks over to you all dark eyes and clenched jaw, tense and seething.

"What the fuck are you doing with Carver?" He demands and you take your time answering him.

"Oh, I think it's called flirting" you reply and if it's possible his eyes narrow even more, you peer up at him and act confused.

"Why do you care so much, when you have Katie at your beck and call" the anger leaves his features and he smirks.

Shit you gave away too much. "It's Kimberly, she's new to Hellfire sweetheart. I was just showing her the ropes. Not my fault you're a jealous brat"

You glare at him, gather the things from your locker, take time to apply some lipgloss and watch Eddie grow irritated once again.

"Jason's so much nicer to me than you, I don't know why I even like you so much Edward" you reply to him and he huffs in frustration.

"Are you happy now my attention is back on you princess?, incase you haven't noticed, you're all I think about" He seethes, furious he's confessed his real feelings for you.

Elated you grab your bag and his gaze follows you as you walk out of the school and make your way towards his van, for some privacy.

"Oh I've been so awful Eddie, maybe you'll need to teach me a lesson?" you add in a pout for maximum effect and his control snaps, and he pulls you too him, kisses you until the both of you break away panting from the intensity.

"You are the only person I want. Is that what you want to hear?" Eddie demands but his gaze is a tiny bit softer. Thrilled you kiss him again and tug him inside the van.

...

You're so lost in finally being with Eddie, both of you fucking each other until you're both babbling, incoherent messes, that you don't here the knock on Eddie's window.

His van door opens, there's a shriek and you peer up, Kimberly blushes as she takes in the image of you sitting astride Eddie, tits bouncing up and down, both you and Eddie's faces full of bliss.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry, I didn't..." she trails off mortified. You roll your eyes at her babbles and squeeze around Eddie tightly, causing him to moan.

"Eddie's a little busy right now, in fact he's going to be busy with me a lot from now on, so cut the cutesy uwu girl act and back off, kay?" You add sweetly and Kimberly nods rapidly and rushes off.

Eddie is gazing at you torn between amusement and exasperation. "Princess" he chides and you shrug and begin to rock your hips in a way that makes Eddie's eyes glaze over and soft swears leave his mouth.

"Now, where were we?"

[tojivu]

# OFFICE HOURS ‣ GOJO SATORU

✰ — author’s note i feel so guilty bc gojo is literally the only character i write for LOL anyway this is an old draft from months ago. idk why this is so long im so horrendously down bad for this fucking snowman.

✰ — cw / tags arrogant ceo!gojo x secretary f!reader, sfw, not rly enemies to lovers bc gojo has fat feelings, gojo satoru being a billionaire playboy

✰ — playing death & taxes by daniel caesar.

✰ — word count ~3k LOL

nothing about gojo satoru really strikes you as the serious type.

even in a professional environment, your boss always has a carefree demeanour. his laugh is so nauseatingly loud that you can hear it from outside the office, and you wonder how someone as busy as him manages through his day; much less with a positive attitude. you take one look at his schedule, and you want to vomit with the way you hardly see any gaps between appointments.

you suppose you could learn that from him. it's his only good quality.

you admit that he's likeable, on surface level. there's a reason why you detest him, though: as his closest colleague, you know him way more than you would prefer. most people would think such a well to do man like satoru would have a wife by his side, but that's unfortunately not the case. you almost feel more miserable than him—because now you're forced to be the listening ear and comforting hand at his beck and call.

you think he'd be just fine if he was just a little more humble. he has a nice face. it's his fault for being so stuck up. you know how many women ask him out—painfully aware, actually.

'they just aren't suited to my taste,' he would say to you. 'i need someone that makes me feel alive.'

one time, gojo even asked you to bail him out of a date—something about the way she held her fork and knife disturbed him, and you were expected to show up at the restaurant and act as if there was an emergency.

'i'm so sorry, sweetheart. i have to go, duty calls.' his disgustingly charming tone made you want to slap him then and there.

she called him again the following week, and he completely forgot who she was. he didn't even save her number.

the sheer number of people asking him out had stroked his ego so hard that gojo firmly believes no woman is deserving enough. he rambles on and on to you about how snobby some of them seem, and it takes everything in you to bite your tongue when he does. 'takes one to know one,' you would say, if not for your job at stake.

you think gojo satoru is full of himself. you are a strong believer of that. a witness, as well—it's not like he didn't try his way with you, too. unlike the women he ranted about, you turned him down every single time.

it's been a long while since any of that has happened, though. the most recent ordeal was months ago, but that didn't inherently mean that people stopped asking him out: it just meant that he was rejecting every single offer.

it's a thursday morning when you find yourself eating a sandwich you purchased on the way to work, at your desk—wondering when the big boss will finally arrive. the clock read 9 a.m., and you're expecting an extravagant "good morning!" to surprise you any moment now.

just then, you notice mr. conceited walk in: except something is different. he has no stride in his step. there was no good morning. there was no playful teasing directed at you as he walked past your desk and into his office, not that you were complaining—it was just strange.

you stand up, a mouthful of your sandwich still being chewed. you take a big sip of water and fix your skirt and blouse, making sure your hair is presentable—before swiftly making your way into his office.

──────

"i cannot believe this." he mumbles. you're standing in front of his desk, but he's not facing your direction.

gojo's chair is turned to the giant window that overlooks the business district, and he's gazing out of it thoughtfully. you think this is the cheesiest thing you've seen him do.

you can see how disheveled his hair was, even from where you were standing. you don't want to irritate him further, in case teasing you was still on his to-do list that day.

"what is it, mr. gojo?"

he swivels his chair around, and he is a mess—just what could have he been up to?

"i woke up late today."

"you're the boss, mr. gojo. you can come in any time you want—"

"not the point." he interrupts you. "i forgot my lunch. i was in the car, with the driver, on the way here already. . . and then i realised i left my donuts at home."

gojo's face is absolutely distraught. he looks like he's gone through a divorce and had his house set on fire with how he stands up dramatically—his hands now on his desk. you open your mouth to speak, but he shuts you up by talking again.

"i didn't want to inconvenience him. i'm too thoughtful, miss y/n."

you want to scoff, but you bite your tongue and hold back.

"so i got out of the car and ran back for it," gojo recounts. "i arrived home after the treacherous journey—only to discover that my donuts are gone."

you feign an expression of shock, just to humour him; he gives you an 'i know right' look, and continues his nonsensical story.

"the maids threw them away, miss y/n."

you can't help yourself: you let a small giggle slip through your lips. you quickly use your hand to cover your mouth, thinking of a quick excuse.

you cough. you pretend to, at least—but gojo satoru is not stupid.

no, maybe a little. though, not enough to be convinced of your terrible acting.

"nothing about this is funny."

you nod, looking down at the floor. "i apologise, mr. gojo, but it's just a few donuts. i'm sure someone in the office could fetch some for you."

"yes, i agree." he says, and you shift your gaze from the marble tiling of his office to his face. his hair is a mess, yes—but he still looks revoltingly handsome. his eyes are piercing through yours, and pieces of hair cover his face in just the right places.

you're staring a little too long and gojo finds his pulse quickening with the eye contact—but the spell he has you under is soon broken when he clears his throat.

you quickly look away, embarrassed that you were caught staring at your boss, by your boss.

"you'll pick some up for me, yeah?" his smooth and silky voice echoes through the empty space of his office.

you look at him again, and there's a gentle smile on his face; one you're all too familiar with.

you're aware of satoru's charismatic nature, his playboy-ish attitude, and all sorts of tricks he uses to make women fall head over heels for him. that didn't mean you were completely resistant to them, though—you find yourself playing with the sleeves of your blouse, your ears beginning to redden. "of course," is all you manage to say.

at least you were self-aware.

your mind was rational. should gojo satoru try to hit on you for the nth time—all it took was some self discipline to say no, and you'd like to think you had plenty.

you think the conversation is done with the way he doesn't speak another word, so you turn on your heels and make your way out of the office.

just as you touch the handle of the door, your boss adds: "i'll come with you."

you turn back to him, confused. you didn't need your boss babysitting you for a donut run, you knew his favourite flavours—it's all he ever insists on buying for lunch. "there's no need for that, mr. gojo."

satoru shakes his head in disapproval. "you don't even know my favourite flavours, miss y/n."

that was a blatant lie. he knew you knew. you were his personal donut grabber for a few months up until august, and it was only october. you suppose that it would've continued on if not for your complaints about the long lines in the morning.

nevertheless, you don't argue with him. gojo satoru was the type to get what he wants, when he wants, if he really wants it.

you smile at his disregard for the months you spent as his errand runner, and how idiotic the excuse he just used was. satoru knows he's lying through his teeth, and your smile makes him more nervous than your eye contact.

so nervous, in fact, that he takes back what he just said. "unless. . . you're fine by yourself."

you're surprised that gojo's confidence is dissipating, or that it could even fade at all. you can tell with the way he's avoiding your eye contact, exactly how you evaded his earlier—the red on the tips of his ears are much too obvious in contrast to his hair.

"i don't mind," you respond a bit too quicker than appropriate. "mr. gojo."

gojo curses himself mentally, thinking about how stupid he must sound. he's usually the one making people nervous, but he doesn't know why it's different when you look at him like that.

──────

the atmosphere is deafening in gojo's favourite bakery. you always knew he had a sweet tooth, so you expected his choice to be a spectacular one—and you weren't disappointed.

you had personally visited this bakeshop before, and the confectionery was truly as good as people made it out to be; it proved evident in the amount of people crammed into this small establishment. though, you can't tell if it was for the food or for your boss, with the way most pairs of eyes are turned in his direction.

you two spend a good five seconds looking at the menu before gojo states his order, which was exactly what you thought it would be—the lady at the cashier smiles a bit too long at satoru, before asking: "eating in?"

you want to open your mouth to say something, but he beats you to it. "of course."

it was still very well your work day. he (or maybe you and him, considering you helped him plan seventy percent of his appointments) had a meeting in 3 hours to prepare for. you think this donut adventure is already unnecessary enough—but here he is, suggesting to waste even more time eating the donuts in the bakery itself.

"we have a meeting in a bit, though. you could eat it in your office."

he looks at you with a confused look, as if he forgot that there was a meeting at all—because he did forget. gojo gasps, turning back to the lady and retracting his previous statement.

──────

gojo eats his donuts agonisingly slow and no conversation is initiated.

you're alternating between staring at both your laptops and the swirls on the wooden desk, unable to say anything because you didn't plan for such an occasion: an eating donuts with your admittedly handsome boss that makes you nervous while simultaneously planning for an important meeting occasion.

"miss y/n, you should try some."

you shift your eyes from the table to gojo, and he's holding a small piece of his donut to your lips: the powdered sugar practically calling your name.

"it's fine, i ate earlier," you decline his generous offer. "you should eat."

"i'm not asking you to eat all of them, miss y/n." he smiles at you. "just a bite. it's really good, y'know."

you sigh, reaching for his hand to take it from him—but he swiftly pulls it away and shakes his head. "open your mouth."

you feel the tips of your ears burning, blood rushing to your cheeks and you wonder how the girls he takes out manage themselves when he's like this—you've worked with him for so long, yet you can't recall a time when his gaze wouldn't make you shudder.

you think you'd stutter if you spoke one more word to him, so you save yourself from the embarrassment and bare with his request.

he feeds you the piece of sugar-coated donut, and you're sure you have powder on the corners of your lips with how it's width barely fits into your mouth.

you chew and swallow, feeling the residue of sugar on your skin.

"do you have any tissues?" you ask him, a serious expression plastered onto your face.

gojo tries to suppress the chuckle itching to escape his throat—the sugar on your lips and cheeks catch him off guard, and after a few seconds he can't help but let a small laugh slip. you stand up from your chair, scanning the room for any boxes of tissues you could lay your hands on.

he stands up as well, shaking his head—still giggling.

"it's not funny," you frown, and the smile on his face only grows wider—you're too cute for your own good when you sulk. "stop laughing."

you're not sure if you want to punch him or let him giggle to himself. for some reason, seeing you embarrassed is a great cause of joy to him. you can't bring yourself to tell him to shut up; you always imagine doing just that, it's strange how you couldn't muster the courage just when you needed it most.

"it's quite funny," gojo's laughter eventually calms down.

he leans closer to you and his right hand gently holds the side of your jaw—he uses his thumb to gently wipe the sugar off your cheek, and then your lips. "i got it."

his thumb stays on your bottom lip after dusting the sugar away. his pupils are locked onto the surface of your lips, which were glossy in the harsh light of his office: they looked so soft.

before long, they trail up your face until he's looking directly into your eyes: and this time you're not nervous, you don't look away, and your heart is completely calm.

satoru's fingers are easy on your skin. he handles you like fragile glass, as if he doesn't want to break you: and it's the same for the way he looks at you. gentle.

you're reluctant to speak because the way satoru has his thumb on your bottom lip sends shivers down your spine. you feel breathless.

you don't want this feeling to leave, not just yet.

a few seconds of tension pass. his hand moves back to your jaw, and your nervousness returns when gojo satoru leans his tall figure even closer to you; his head tilting ever so slightly.

it's a random thursday morning when you discover a few more good qualities gojo satoru possesses: his lips and his hands. maybe the way he kisses, too—it's slow and precise, unlike his attitude. he tastes sickeningly sweet and it makes you want to savour this moment even more.

you promised yourself you wouldn't fall victim to gojo satoru. yet, you just can't pull away: instead finding yourself slithering your arms around his neck and your chest pressing against his.

gojo's hands are wandering down to your waist and he's desperate to have you as close to him as possible, showing in the way he tries to close the already small gap between you two.

it takes only a fraction of a second for a small thought to form in your mind: just how many women have been in this position?

you quickly forget about that thought, though—you think it's pointless to regret it now, gojo satoru kisses you too good to be full of remorse.

gojo thinks he could stay like this: kiss you all morning, afternoon and pay you overtime if it meant he could be this close to you for just a bit longer.

there's hints of neediness in gojo's touch—as if he'd been waiting for this forever, wanting to relish it before it ends. his few seconds of bliss don’t last very long though, because you're soon pulling away—gasping for air.

he sighs mockingly, his hands sliding down from your waist to your hips. "can't last longer than 10 seconds, miss y/n?"

of course he would say some cocky shit like that—you'd forgotten for a minute that this was the same, arrogant mr. gojo you always knew, and no kiss (however heavenly) was going to change that.

"i'm sorry that i don't go on dates with every man that breathes."

gojo smirks at you after you say those words. "come on. just because i go on dates with people, doesn't mean i kiss them like this."

"sure you don't." your jealousy shows a bit too much in your reply, and he finds himself smiling even harder.

"is someone jealous?" he teases you again, rubbing circles with his thumb against the flesh of your hips.

you feel flustered, knowing that you're definitely done for now—he saw right through you. "nobody is jealous, mr. gojo."

"stop it with the formality. just call me satoru."

"it's still office hours. it's only polite."

gojo rolls his eyes, sighing in the process. you grin a little at him, knowing that this was the first thing you denied him of today—complying with the donuts and the kissing was already spoiling him enough.

"then i suppose there's only after work," there's his nauseatingly charming voice again—low and smooth. he knows exactly what he's doing to you, and you know it too. "i'm off after 6."

you think long and hard about whether you want to be mean and add this to the list of things you've declined to do for him. the ratio was starting to get really unbalanced—but you remember the way his hands touch you and how his lips greet yours so lovingly: and you think that there's no point turning back now.

"my boss doesn't let me off until after 8, though." you try to poke at his buttons—you put on a fake pout, knowing you’ll accept his invitation anyway—but gojo satoru is eternally patient when it came to things he sincerely desired.

"fuck your boss." he says, "he'll be fine with it."

you laugh at his response. you never thought you would see the day gojo curses at himself, after all, he's so self-obsessed: but you suppose you've seen—and tasted—parts of him that you never knew existed.

"then i'll see you at 6, mr. gojo."

what was the harm in discovering more?

230323 — i kinda hate this but.. wtv… anyway i couldn’t be bothered to proofread have my brainrot of gojo in a suit Mmmm yumyum

[blippymilk]

Hi! Could I request a brozone x female reader hc's where the reader is a bit sassy and the bros find it funny and hot lol. Thanks!

Brozone x Sassy Fem! Reader

A/N: Sorry for the long wait

————————————————————————————

John Dory:

- Completely head over heels for you

- John Dory loves a challenge and when you got sassy with him, you were definitely a challenge

- Finds it completely attractive and he thinks he’s going insane at first

- Before he gets with you he finds himself uninterested in others when they’re soft and easy, unlike you who always puts up a fight

- Left speechless sometimes when you shut him up with your clever comebacks/insults

“No cause you’re amazing and all but your attitude has been stressing me out lately.”

“Damn that’s crazy. Skill issue.”

“Wha- SEE!”

- Loves your tough demeanor though don’t let him fool you

Bruce:

- If anyone can handle a sassy reader the best, I definitely think Bruce would be the one

- If he can handle like 12 kids he can deal with you

- Loves his woman with a little spunk anyways

- Adores it having a woman that can not only stand up for yourself, but stand up for him too 😂

- If you have kids and they’re just as sassy he’s a little hysterical at first but he finds it hilarious when he gets used to it

“And I told her if she had a problem she can call my dad. Period.”

“*Nervous laugh* Period huh? Ok honey can you come here, I’m starting to think this kid is your clone.”

- But he’ll never regret his decision of choosing you, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him

Clay:

- Clay was meant for sassy women. Built for sassy women.

- I actually believe that he’d find non sassy women a little boring (but if he loves you, he loves you)

- At your constant beck and call (usually unless he’s working hard and he’s on a roll)

- If he could explain you in one word: “Hot.”

- If you’re ranting about some female who pissed you off today, he’s all ears. Just nods his head and agrees with your every word, even if you were considered “wrong” (like pffffft- how?)

“And this girl had the nerve to tell me I was stupid! Like be for real, didn’t you graduate highschool at 23?”

“No literally. I feel bad for you, she’s getting on my nerves just listening about her.”

“You get me so much.”

- Now he’s a big gossip and it’s all your fault 😂

Floyd:

- Probably didn’t realize you were sassy until he actually started dating you

- The second he watches you loose your temper he’s flabbergasted. And I mean that.

- Like for the next couple of days he’s basically jaw dropped

- When he finally gets over it he’s chill but once he sees you ima cation again, he feels…different

- Like suddenly this man’s heart is pounding, his cheeks are heating up, and his ears are practically smoking

- Accidentally picks up some of your attitude a little bit and sometimes it takes his brothers to point it out

“Are you serious Floyd?”

“Yup. But personally I told him he can miss me with that bs. Period. Wait-”

“HAH-”

Branch:

- Now we already know that Branch is a little sassy himself:

“Annnnnndddd~ a falsetto made of GOLD.”

“If this diaper was any smaller I could taste it.”

“Fine. But this is more than likely beneath me.”

- He however doesn’t realize he’s sassy so he’s unsure when it comes to you at first

- When he finally realizes that you’re the love of his life, you two are a pretty mouthy duo

- Like when his brothers first met you they were PUZZLED. Like eyebrows RAISED. They genuinely wondered if they had a long lost sister and they would have to break it to branch.

- If you were together during the plot of the first Trolls movie, you’d have Poppy stressinnnnnn

- Onc eye comes to an agreement that you both have that similarity in common, he just falls in love with you more 💙

————————————————————————————

[ash5monster01]

Learning to Love Part 5

Pairing: Rafe Cameron x FemReader!PlusSize

Warnings: 18+, langauge, angst, fluff, mentions of bullying, body image issues, fat shaming, fake relationship, eventual smut, minor enemies to lovers trope.

Summary: It's not uncommon for you to be shamed for your size, it is however uncommon to be told that no one would ever date you because of it. Rafe on the other hand is used to being called a jerk, that is until he is accused of seeing people for only what's on the surface. It's purely coicidental you two meet right after these accusations are thrown your way. So even though you two don't know each other, and probably never would've looked the others way before this, now you're both going to prove a point. It's simple really, prove others wrong and don't fall in love. Easier said than done.

word count: 2.5k

Part 4 ←→ Part 6

Masterlist

“You’re going to his place again?” Mila groans from the couch. She thought you were going to stay home after the insane shift you both had just worked. She had also managed to put away half a bottle of wine in the time you were getting ready to go to Rafe’s. He had to work a late night at the office and he had practically begged you to come over for an hour or two even though you were exhausted as well.

"Yes, he is my boyfriend and he wants to see me" you tell her and she pouts, refilling the glass in her hand. You realize she should just drink from the bottle at this point.

"Lame" she says and you chuckle, pulling a hoodie over your head.

"You're only saying that because I have a boyfriend and you don't. Now you know what it's like for me sister" you point at her and she rolls her eyes so hard you're positive they could've gotten stuck.

"True but also why doesn't he ever come here, is he to good for our little apartment or something?" you know she's wine drunk but her words still make you freeze. You hadn't considered going to Rafe's all the time hadn't benefited your end of the bargain for a while. Your neighbors, friends, peers, were all supposed to see that tall glass of water come in and out of your own apartment too.

"No, we're just used to me going there" you defend and she shakes her head like this says something about your relationship that you don't know or understand. Before you can ask her what she's thinking your phone rings and your sliding it out of your pocket.

"Hey Rafe, I'm leaving now" you answer and Mila perks up on the couch, eyes landng straight on you.

"Is that Rafe, tell him he sucks!" she says just loud enough that you know Rafe had heard.

"Baby, can you ask Mila why I suck?" he asks and you sigh as you turn and face your drunk friend who should be bothering some other boy tonight.

"He wants to know why he sucks" you tell her and she grins deviously before propping herself on her knees and leaning over the back of the couch.

"He sucks because he expects his girlfriend to be at his beck and call to every need, always making her go over there to satisfy him when he can come over here and tap that fine ass in her own space too" the deep blush that covers your cheeks from your best friends drunken rant is close to a firetruck as Rafe chuckles darkly on the other end of the phone.

"So Mila wants me to come satisfy your needs in your own space for once huh?" you hate that his words send nervous tingles through your body.

"She's had a little bit of wine, mixed in with some shots some customers bought for her" you tell him and he laughs loudly.

"Stay home, I'll be there in a little bit. She's right, this isn't just about me" and you nervously gulp while nodding even though he can't see you.

"Alright, I'll be here" you muster out and he mutters a goodbye that has you ending the call and shoving your phone back in your pocket. The second you look up you're shooting a glare at your bestfriend who's devious plan has just worked.

"He's coming here, you happy?" you ask as you walk into the living room, flopping onto the couch next to her and she grins, sipping at the wine.

"I guess I better open another bottle" she tells you and you shake your head as she stands to find another glass which you'll happily take to calm the nerves you have about Rafe being in your own space. It's only after one glass he finally makes an appearance with a soft knock on the door. Mila yells for him to come in as you prepare to entertain the boy for God knows how long. Yet when he opens the door and saunters in you find your mouth gaping. The Rafe you knew was always dressed to the nines, his leisure wear was still some sort of collared shirt and slacks, but the Rafe that just walked through your door is not. The thin fabric of his black t-shirt is stretched tightly over the expanse of his chest and the grey sweatpants he wears hang low on his hips, you catch his grin as he slips off the white converse on his feet that he had left untied, leaving him in only some socks.

"Damn" Mila says outloud and that has you blushing bright red once again. Rafe chuckles at your friend before walking over to you.

"Hi" you grin at him as calmly as you can and he smiles, slipping in the spot beside you on the couch.

"Hi" he says back to you, leaning forward where you catch the glint of the silver chain on his neck. His lips brush softly against your own and you try to remind yourself that none of this is real.

"Damn I need to get laid" Mila mutters beside you and this has you giggling against Rafe's lips before he pulls away. You watch as he nods at the glass in Mila's hand.

"You going to share?" he asks and she smiles at him, a sign she likes how comfortable he already is being here. As she had prepared for this she leans to the coffee table, pouring some wine into the empty glass she had set aside for him.

"Have at it" she tells him as she slips the wine glass into his hand and he smiles before taking a sip and wrapping his arm around you on the couch.

"So what're we doing? Movie night or something?" he asks and Mila smirks as she grabs the remote, happy to be third wheeling and get a front row seat to this relationship you've been experiencing.

"Exactly that, welcome to our apartment" she tells him before clicking a few buttons. You're not sure what kind of evil she is on tonight when she clicks The Notebook knowing this movie wrecks you absolutely every time. Rafe snuggles closer into your side as the movie starts and you accept your defeat, already knowing it's going to be a long night.

When the movie ends you have tears running down your face. Tears that make Rafe realize how empathetic you are to the characters on the screen. The notion makes him want to curl up and comfort you all night. When the screen finally goes black and the credits run down the screen Mila makes her great escape, leaving the two now empty bottles of wine that she mostly completed herself, sit on the table. "Well that’s it for me. Have fun you two, I expect another hickey like last time"

"What?" you splutter out, curious as to what hickey she had meant. You had a mark on your neck after the night at the hotel but you just chalked it up to drunken injury.

"Goodnight" Rafe tells her as she disappears down the hall and into her room and that is when you realize she was expecting Rafe to spend the night.

"I guess she thinks you’re staying the night" you whsiper into the quiet of the room and Rafe chuckles dryly.

"And giving you a hickey" he laughs and his smile makes a smile of your own break out across your face.

"If you're comfortable I dont mind" you tell him and Rafe raises his eyebrows at this.

"Comfortable with staying or giving you a hickey?" you blush at his words which only causes him to laugh even more. "Come on you, I can handle a sleepover. I'll jump on your bed if we need to make things convincing"

"You're insane" you tell him and he only smiles as he stands and reaches a hand out to help you from the couch. When he doesn't start walking you give him a confused look and before you can react he’s bending down and wrapping his arms behind your legs. Panic shoots through you at the idea of him not being able to lift you, your weight dragging him down, but what you dont expect is how easily he props you on his shoulder and starts down the hallway.

"Rafe, oh my God" you sqeual unbeknownst to Mila who has poked her head out of the room to see you two. She’s surprised you’ve allowed Rafe to carry you but happy you’re beginning to learn that a man can love you for exactly who you are.

Rafe finds your bedroom easily, carrying you in and dropping you in a heap on top of the bed. You can’t help the grin that’s on your face from how he had carried you with ease. Yes you were big but he was strong. Had you been looking at this size difference all wrong? Rafe jumps beside you, fingers tickling your sides that has you squealing into the late night air. It had to be almost 3am by now but you didn’t even care. Rafe had become one of your best friends and you never would’ve thought some aggravated deal would’ve gotten you into this situation.

“I like your room” he says once he stops, you both trying to catch your breath. You don’t miss the way he hovers above you, the chain now loose from the collar of his shirt. He finds himself holding a breath when your finger curls around it, giving it a light tug.

“Thank you, if I had known you were coming sooner I would’ve cleaned up a bit” you tell him, mindlessly playing with the chain.

“I don’t mind” he tells you and you smile, letting the chain go and moving to sit up.

“I’m gonna wash my face, you need anything?” you ask and he shakes his head, moving to the side to allow you to leave. As you wash your face he pulls back your covers, slips off his shirt, and crawls inside. When you’re back in the room you find yourself laughing at the way he lays leisurely in your bed, entirely at home with both arms propped behind him. “You comfy?”

“Never better” he grins and you shake your head before shutting your door and turning off the light. The lamp on your bedside table is the only illumination back to the bed where the most good looking guy you’ve ever seen lays topless in. You smile shyly at him as you crawl in beside him, lifting the covers over yourself, and realizing this is the first time you’ve spent the night with him sober.

“Goodnight” you tell him softly before reaching for your lamp. In just one click you two are enveloped by darkness. You can barely see him but you can feel the warmth that comes from the usually cold side of your bed.

“Goodnight sweetheart” he returns in the darkness and you try your best to pretend he’s not there and just fall asleep. It’s proven to be useless because you’re hyper aware that the most good looking man you know is trying to sleep beside you.

“Rafe?” you plead out and you feel the bed shift as he rolls on his side to face you.

“Yeah baby?” he asks and you sigh, nerves licking up your spine. So you do the only thing you do best, ramble.

“I know Mila was just teasing but if she doesn’t see evidence we did anything she’ll feel bad for intervening but then I feel like if she does see evidence she’ll have something more to tease us about. It’s silly I just don’t know how to do this whole fake dating thing, hell I’m barely good at real dating, and I’m pretty sure I’ve never had a real hick-“ you’re cut off by his finger pressing against your lips in the dark.

“You don’t shut up sometimes” he teases and you blush, which for once he can’t see. “Do you want to give me a hickey?”

“W-what?” you stutter out and he chuckles which makes your whole body warm over.

“Fair trade, since she thinks you had a hickey last weekend” he says and you heart triples in speed.

“I don’t really know how” you say and he tenses beside you, something you take as surprise but really he finds himself extremely turned on by your inexperience.

“I can show you” this is the last thing you expect him to say so you take a moment to let it soak in before answering.

“Okay” you say and the bed shifts again as Rafe sits up, rolling over to face you a bit better. You can barely makeout his form but still can tell how handsome he is.

“It’s easier then you think, just relax” and you almost laugh because how can he expect you to relax when he’s about to kiss your neck. He places a hand on your waist and your stomach jumps at the feeling. He leans some of his weight on you until his hot breath is fanning across your skin. “Ready?”

You nod feverishly, just wanting him to get it over with. He starts small, just a few pecks up the expanse of your neck and you try to keep your breathing regular. Then finally where you neck meets your shoulder he wraps his lips around the expanse of skin, tongue lapping smoothly over it, while he sucks. A small squeak leaves your throat as he continues. The minute he finds the sweet spot you have to surpress a moan but based on the way you’re breathing he can already tell you’re enjoying it.

As if you’re no longer in control of your body your hand meets the back of his head, fingers tangling into his hair and gripping slightly. What you don’t expect is the hum of delight Rafe sends into your neck from the action. He works you over as best he can, fighting the urge to kiss you literally anywhere else. When he finally gets the small moan he was searching for the hand that’s on your waist meets your waist band. The shorts you wear are pulled above your belly button and you know the further his hand goes down the more fat he’ll find. Yet you hate the anticipation you have mixed with fear. He truly could just reach down, give you the relief you need but your panic still wins. Loosening your hand from his hair he gets the memo that this is too much and as much as he’s disappointed, he’s more disappointed you don’t believe that his attraction can be real.

“That should’ve done it” he says as he releases from you and you nod even though he can’t see you.

“Is it okay if I don’t try, not quite yet?” you ask nervously and Rafe’s shoulders drop in disappointment which you can barely see.

“Yeah, it’s okay. Next time” he says with a teasing tone even though he was quite excited to have your warm mouth all over his neck as well. Especially since just the few small sounds you had made turned him on more than anything.

“Goodnight for real” you say with a light laugh and he gives a tight lipped smile that you can’t see and rolls back into his spot beside you.

“Goodnight for real”

a/n: listen my plus size girlies, I know the whole lifting you up thing isn’t entirely believable. I myself fully believe Rafe/Drew could never lift me. I’ve been trying to make this fic as accurate and believable for us bigger girls as possible, but don’t we deserve the cliches sometimes! Rafe is a fictional character, I can make him able to lift the biggest of us if he wants! I stand by that <3

Taglist: @sublimepenguinpeach-blog @fishingirl12 @houseofperfecttaste @abbybarnesstuff @carma-fanficaddict @jjmaybankisbae @exhaustedbutelated @diagnosedpsychosis @daivny @drewstarkeygf @vinniehackersbaee @emsgoodthinkin @apollo3475 @https-urwife @willowalexissss @kisstaya @hcneyedsstuff @lexiereblogs @drewsuncrustables @mveggieburger @marvel4life3000 @bibliophilewednesday @humungouspatrolwolf @ijustwanttoreadlols @jaijustreads @sleepjam @dilvcv @aaronhotchswife @sunshine1218 @lavenderhazeq

Comment if you want to be added to the taglist :))

[fourteentrout]

ACOTAR Rant

When I first read acowar, I was really fascinated by Feyre's choice to destroy spring from the inside. I was kind of like okay facts you go girl, I've never seen a fmc motivated purely by revenge before, and it was really interesting to read, and I kind of liked how drama it was. But as I've read the series and immersed myself more in the fandom, rereading some of the scenes genuinely makes my blood boil.

The fact that feyre tells Lucien she wasn't ready to be touched "like that" when he asks her if she and Tamlin have had sex yet is like low-key an implication that she's been sexually abused in the night court??? Which I never picked up on in my first read like I got that she was going for this whole pretend-freed-captive vibe to get back into Tamlin's court, but it never really stuck out to me that she, whose mate spent 49 years at the sexual beck and call of someone he didn't want to be with, who likely forced herself upon him time and time again, was pretending to be a victim of sexual abuse.

And THEN she encounters LUCIEN being sexually harassed (by someone hed been essentially magically bound to fucking in the Great Rite mind you) and she's content to just...not apologize for literally feigning past rape??

And don't even get me started on the scene where she basically goads Tamlin into another magical outburst and intentionally makes sure she gets hurt by it when she had (to her knowledge) the ability to protect herself (from something that she directly and intentionally caused!!)

Like yes shes the one who got hurt but is it really abuse on his part if she knowingly pushed his buttons so that he would lose control? It's his job to have control over himself in the first place, yes, but if she's taking calculated steps to get him in a place where she knew his magic would act up, are his actions entirely abusive?

Not to mention that afterwards he was literally like praying to the mother and confessing to ianthe in hopes that some divine stroke of forgiveness would be granted while feyre was like mind sexting Rhys (and also Rhys was like rah I could rip out his throat for laying a hand on you and she was like well he didn't even touch me, his MAGIC touched me, and Rhys is like haha glad u still find humor in this babe, like my brother in Christ she KNOWINGLY CAUSED TAMLIN'S REACTION?? She got the result she wanted??? Why do you want Tamlin dead for something that is benefitting Feyre's revenge plan?)

Ugh point being there are so many things that upon reread I'm like oh this is actually like majorly wack. And it does make sense though for feyre to be acting this way because she's!! A 20 year old girl!! Who has just endured something majorly traumatic!! And was never raised in an environment that taught true maturity anyways!!! She has been in survival mode her entire life, so when someone comes along and says hey, Tamlin actually was shitty the whole time and here's why (while literally changing some of the original narrative), it's understandable that she would be like huh. Yeah. I gotta do something about that. And it's definitely understandable that her methods would be absolutely set on destroying people's lives, because she felt that in that period of time HER life was destroyed, and she was so blinded by her need to share that pain that she kind of forgot that people were people.

[scaly-freaks]

Also, on a side note/rant about the Aemond grooming discourse. My sister was truly up in arms citing specific episodes of the last season to prove that the woman was secretly “in charge,” and a pedophile, because “she continued to see him.” Idk, that rubs me the wrong way, because it truly sounds no different than like people saying “well, she continued to work in that place even though she was sexually harassed, clearly she wanted it.” Like, as you’ve said, even if he was a kid, he’s still the son of a king and has the equivalent to a nuclear bomb at his beck and call. My sister tried to say “well, she could have given him to another sex worker,” like no?? If he asked for her in particular, she’d have no choice; also, idk how it would be any better if she sent him off to have sex with another fully-grown woman.

I sometimes wonder whether this absolutely insane response is the result of some kind of cognitive dissonance that Aemond fans get from seeing someone whom they’ve imagined as this domineering, sex god character act in a submissive way to someone. Like, I have a sneaking suspicion that they wouldn’t have as much of an issue if Aemond were reacting through hypersexuality or rough sex with this woman, even if both were in response to him having/being forced to have sex at a very young age (both of which actually ARE common responses). Like obviously, there is an air of wrongness in the scene, because he very clearly sees her as a type of mother figure, in a way that’s very reminiscent of a son with his mother. That is very alarming, but, again, I don’t think they would have as much of an issue if he were having another common reaction to having sex way too young.

Personally, I never got the “daddy dom” Aemond vibes because literally no aspect of his character would ever scream sex god. From a young age he looked down on Aegon for his drinking and sexual proclivities, his closest confidante is his (until recently) sexually-repressed mother who uses religion as a means of sublimation, he spends all day training, and all night likely reading. So the brothel scenes weren’t shocking to me due to the implications on Aemond’s character (though it was shocking seeing how skinny Ewan Mitchell was). Idk, like you said, it’s just a classic “applying contemporary understandings of power to situations with different contexts of power and oppression than most of us could even comprehend.” And it personally pisses me off to see a woman who had no agency in this scenario be labelled as predatory. Like y’all, Foucauldian power analysis was about the intersectionality of power, aka the ability to hold more power in one context, and far less in a broader context, you can be an abuser in one context, and abused in another. And, in Westeros, there are very, very few contexts that would equate to having more power and agency than the son of a king.

So on one hand, I get annoyed by seeing a woman get shat on by other women as a means to defend their image of a man, an image which I personally find to be entirely inconsistent with his character (so the literary analysis system in me goes berserk like klaxon klaxon does not compute), and also seeing women ignore blatant power imbalances but then invoking them as a means to hate other women. Idk, maybe it’s a trend I’ve noticed, similar to how a “pick me” has morphed from genuine discourse on internalized misogyny to a criticism of any women who don’t necessarily identify with traditionally feminine behaviour (but who are doing so out of genuine interest rather than a desire to appease me). But it does piss me off. That doesn’t mean I don’t believe that groomers should be reviled, but rather, that there’s a huge trend of male or white power being ignored in favour of criticizing the actions of those in the more marginalized position.

Anyways, rant over!

I have noticed that even with a so-called liberal approach to sex work, most people still view sex workers with a degree of disgust and a refusal to humanise them (usually subconsciously, but it filters through in how they speak of them). In-verse, Aemond's disregard for Sylvie - a whore is a whore - was especially telling because everyone last season was swearing up, down and sideways he respected women because he "loves" his mother, or "listened" to Criston. None of the men in this show respect women LMAO not even Corlys (he literally dragged Rhaena for not having a dragon and not knowing anything about the "sea" when Rhaenys said she should take the throne of Driftmark).

Rhaenyra was more powerless than Aemond when Daemon left her alone in that brothel with her pants down. She was a young girl, and she was dressed up as a peasant. The things that might have happened to her if a group of drunk men found her and were too conked out to hear her yell that she's the princess? Unfathomable. But I don't see half the amount of bald outrage for her situation than I do for Aemond's.

I fully agree with you on the case of Aemond's "daddy domification" going way too far. I think he has it in him to rough someone up sexually but it wouldn't be pleasant for them. I think he's selfish, and he only considers his own pleasure/pain and not the pain or discomfort of others (minus that one scene where he apparently felt sorry for Jace, but post-eye-removal, they may have scrapped empathy entirely). I also think he's set up on screen to be this "woe is me", poor little white prince who feels sorry for himself more than he ever does for others, but when the fandom takes it at face value, that's when it gets really fucking annoying.

He burns the Riverlands for fuck's sake. He slaughters men, women and children because he cares about his own feelings of anger and betrayal more than how others will suffer because of them. There is very little feeling in him displayed onscreen, but because straight women have turned him into the archetypal "I'll fix him" trope, now we're seeing Frankenstein-headcanons of a man that doesn't actually exist in the story.

The thing about Aemond being set up as Daemon's foil is that Daemon is shown to care, whether it's about his niece or his brother. Aemond appears to care about nothing but himself. He is the ideal foil because he doesn't give a fuck (do not get me started on that stupid scene of him regretting Luke's death, and not the fact that his nephew is dead because of it).

If Alys is having a ball fucking with Daemon's head, she is not falling in love with a petty little prince like Aemond except to fuck with his head even worse.

I am very objective about Aemond and that's why people may accuse me of not liking him, but I can be very harsh on Aegon too so that's really not an issue.

[gyeomsweetgyeom]

[6:16 pm]

(cw: toxic yang, asshole yang, angst)

“So what? I don’t feel the same way and you just cut me off?” Yangyang yelled.

You rolled your eyes and continued through the apartment. You were here on a mission, you were at Yangyang’s apartment to pick up your things and get out. Nothing else.

It hurt you to be here, to be in his presence. The pain of losing your best friend was fresh, but this was good for you. A clean break, you deserved more than this. You kept your head up and continued on silently.

“You can’t ignore me! We’ve been friends for over a decade! Just because I don’t feel the same way you’re going to cut me out of your life, that’s not fair,” Yangyang followed behind you down the hall to the room that was considered yours, not anymore.

You pulled your clothes off the hangers in the closet, checked the drawers for T-shirts and pajamas, anything that was yours you packed away into the box your brought with you so would never have to come back to this place or face Yangyang ever again.

“God you’re being crazy right now, you understand people don’t have to reciprocate your feelings right?” Yangyang asked.

You stopped on your way to the front door and turned to face Yangyang. You had no more tears left to cry over him all that was left was your anger and annoyance. So exhausted after years of letting him walk all over you and do as he pleased, while you just took it.

“Do you understand how much you fucked with me? Let’s just ignore for a second that I told you I was in love with you, asked you for space when you said you didn’t feel the same, and that very same night you went out to a club and took someone home. No, I’m talking about you leading me on now and how you were a shitty best friend. You always had your hands on me, in my hair, on my thigh, on my back. Every time I talked to someone else you’d get jealous and wrap your arms around me like we were together. You slept in my bed, you asked me to stay every other night, how am I being blamed for you leading me on? How is it my fault that my so called best friend acted like more and I read those very obvious signals as something else? You made those moves, I never once acted in the same way you did even though I so badly wanted to.

I was at every show, I put aside my goals to be there for you. I missed so many family events and opportunities to be there because you wanted me to be there. But you never once made an effort for me. You missed birthdays, you missed my graduation, and I can’t even remember a single time you answered one of my calls when I was stressed or needed help like I’d do for you. So no, I’m not ending this decade long friendship because you don’t feel the same way, I’m ending it because I’ve realized how one sided it is. I’m not going to follow you around like a lost puppy and be at your beck and call when you have never and will never do the same for me. You didn't make loving you easy, but I still somehow managed. I deserve more from a friend and someone who deserves my love.” You ranted, it felt so good to get it off your chest.

“That’s not true,” Yangyang shook his head.

“I wouldn’t make something like this up, but lucky for you, you’ll be getting space to process this unlike the nonexistent space I had. I asked for space, some time to process my hurt and embarrassment from confessing my love and I didn’t even get that for a day. You called me that night drunk and bragged about the person you were bringing home, you called me like nothing had happened every night for 2 weeks. You once again disregarded my feelings in favor of your own, somehow the pain I was feeling, the pain I showed you didn't matter as much as you telling me about your latest conquest or that you wanted me to get a pizza and drop it off at your house. That’s not fair,” you added, your voice breaking. You weren’t going to cry over this, you were done shedding tears over Yangyang.

“So we’re done, you’re leaving me?”

“This isn’t about you! For the first time in a long time I’m putting my feelings before your own. I just don’t care anymore. Feel what you need to feel, fuck whoever you want, do whatever you want and leave me out of it. I don’t want to be a part of it.” You ended, turning away from Yangyang and rushing to the door to get away from him.

You shut the door behind you, a small sliver of hope that Yangyang would follow after you and make an honest effort to repair your friendship. But you knew better. He let you leave his house sobbing after bearing your soul to him and let you walk home alone. He hadn’t changed in the time you spent away from each other and you don’t want to find the time to wonder when or even if he would change.

You were practically floating on your way back home, you got so much weight off your chest, feelings that made you angry and anxious- negative emotions you didn’t want to feel. Years of repressed emotions finally leaving your head. You felt good, happy that everything was going to be just fine.

[l4tedawns]

Another day another incident of parent being snarky as a joke for no reason I Don’t know why I bother

[abubblingcandle]

🌼🌺🌹🌷🌹🌸🌹🌼🌹🌸🌹🌷🌹🌺🌼

Thank you again love! These are wonderful motivators in my inbox to keep me writing!!

This little snippet is from my Day 6 August Drabble for the prompt Relapse. I've sort of merged Day 6 and Day 7 into one super angsty 2 parter 😈

“Dad,” Jamie sighed, scanning the open plan living room. “I thought you were avoiding drinking at the football?” “Wasn’t at the football was I? My son being a little baby and leaving City lost me my chances at a season ticket,” James barked, slowly turning to fall back towards Jamie in the doorway. “This place doesn’t smell like someone trying to get sober,” Jamie muttered. He truly hadn’t wanted his dad to hear him. He was just frustrated that he was missing time celebrating with his team to hurry across Manchester and make sure his dad wasn’t choking on his own vomit. But he either said it too loud or James was too close. His dad froze. “What was that? You ungrateful little cretin,” James gripped onto the front of Jamie’s jacket before he could even think about moving out of reach. “This is my house. I can do what I want with it. You don’t get to come in here,” he ranted pushing Jamie backwards with stumbling steps as Jamie hunched to his dad’s height. Of course. Of course this was going to happen. He shouldn’t have come. He should have just let his dad choke on his own vomit. His dad had relapsed into drinking. Jamie had relapsed into being at James Tartt Sr’s beck and call. This was his own fault.

[multifanatics]

Reacting to Reader Having Surgery

A/N: I only wrote for Freeze and Two-Face as I love them with every fiber of my being.

Warnings: Hospitals, IV's, Others that relate to surgery.

Victor Fries // Freeze

Oh my fucking god. 

He’s a man of science, ration, he’s calm and intelligent.

But when you go back, when you’re in surgery.. 

again.. OH MY FUCKING GOD.

He’s lost Nora, and he remembers how much it hurt and how much it would hurt if he were to lose you. 

He’s so close to tears when they take you from him, it’s not funny. 

When you wake up he’s by your side despite the doctors not wanting him there when you wake up right away.

When you wake up you can be sure he’s going to kiss you very very gently on/near the wound. 

Once you both get home he admits how nervous he was. Kind of nonchalantly too but it becomes emotional very quickly. 

The Band-Aid where your IV was is staying on for a full 24 hours. He does not care… it’s that or he’s freezing it. 

At your beck and call even if he rolls his eyes at a request he does all the time. Such as cuddles while you fall asleep. 

He loves you more than anything in the world, and he’s trying to refrain from being clingy.

Harvey Dent // Two Face

Two-Face is nervous as hell. 

Harvey can forget flipping the coin to make a decision. It’s a fidget toy for him now, something to center his anxiety on. 

If Harv convinces Harvey not to mess with their coin because he said he’d kill someone every time it lands on tails. Then Harvey uses your half dollar they gave to you. 

Harv’s way of dealing with anxiety is killing people.. He threatened the anesthesiologist after the IV was in because “[Y/N] is not normal.” Referring to your grogginess which was completely normal.

Poor doctor has to explain the process to Harv twice because he has them at gunpoint. 

And Harvey is trying to make sure Harv doesn’t kill anyone unless they deserve it like the asshole that looked at you in the hall.

Harvey handles his anxiety by playing with a coin, doing the leg thing, and holding your hand whenever he can. 

Harv seems calm, collected but surprisingly he's more nervous then Harvey and itching for a reason to kill someone.

Harvey might even start reciting Latin from his old DA books because he doesn’t know what else to do. He’s also definitely putting together a legal argument… just in case.

When you get home and are groggy, tired, etc. Harvey has you in his arms avoiding the part that hurts. 

While Harv is ranting about random things or pacing..

Yes you technically make three but you are the better half of them both. Therefore in their mind you count as two and make them whole.

[just-orbiting-you]

discussion of the army status quo, bts as artists, consumerism, streaming vs. critical fan engagement

this ended up being a rant, i just needed to get this out, but be forewarned of the topics listed.

building off the post i put up about the division among jikookers the huge divide in army is still ever present. this fandom is so divided and has just become people screaming at each other, reporting and blocking. there’s no capacity for conversation and constructive discourse. some of these fans are so volatile i’m appalled. at this point i just wonder why these people are fans of bts, because what about their actions, music, and celebrity personas allows them to feel connected to the members. why are these people fans?

because we should be fans of their music first. i see having biases and “shipping” as a side to appreciating and supporting their art as artists. through that, i stand with their messages they have promoted through their art over the course of their career. bts inspire me to become a better thinker, person, and artist. personally right now, i am not expecting them to be their celebrity selves while others may think otherwise, but i will not condemn or stand for the condemnation of their call for hybe and bts’ action.

the emphasis on streaming, the decline of artmy and fandom creation, the infighting and refusal to come together, the accusing of others from a lot of solo rhetoric, i just cannot take it and i’m nervous for the future of bts and their fan relationship.

no fan is perfect - i have seen accounts of proclaimed ot7, shippers, solos, biased ot7, all of which spout rhetoric i can take issue with. i’m not perfect either. and i don’t want to abandon this for lack of a better word “army space” since i do still love and care for the members. but how long can this go on for?

army has an agenda - but only when they want to. we can only come together when the members are in dire straits. why do we wait on bts’ beck and call? why can’t we operate independently and do work on their behalf? why can’t we speak up about social justice, liberation and other issues, when bts are away from their public platforms? why can’t we comprehend being critical of company higherups and attempts to reach the members with education is not direct hate to the members that needs yoongi scandal levels of mobilization? why can’t we actually mobilize to take down anti accounts like we did for yoongi? why can’t we make donations to reputable charities in the name of bts like we used to???

and again, i have spoken about this before, but k-pop and bts’ previous level of output (plus the accelerated output of the solo era) has brainwashed fans into capitalist compliancy. people foam at the mouth if they don’t buy the newest album. people scream at you if you don’t stream. this is exactly what these companies want you to do and exactly how they want you to think. hybe is sitting on a big pile of money right now from all their means of profits, yet we give them that power with our money.

i want to make clear that i understand the historical significance of streaming in regard to boosting bts’ popularity and creating a reputation of loyalty and monetary support for their fans, when they were the underdog group. but,

over the years, i think the ways in which bts want us to support them is reading their lyrics, understanding their messaging, seeing their hard work and artistic processes and showing up for them when necessary. of course they’re thankful when we support them monetarily, but did namjoon make RPWP so it could be streamed to death? no. did jimin make FACE so it could hit BB hot100? no. did yoongi make amygdala and polar night so they could get #1 digital song sales? NO. those are some of his most deeply personal songs. they made those albums out of their lived experiences, processing their most vulnerable times. this is their art. and as time has gone on, i miss the appreciation and praise for their artistry. they deserve that regard for their work. you can say that charting them is the ultimate way to show your support, but i disagree. streaming just lines hybe’s pockets. engaging in critical conversation with other fans and supporting projects like minimoni music and suchwita and listening to their words closely promote healthy fan engagement. mindless streaming of their work is not engaging. mindless streaming of the last, amygdala is something that should not be expected of people, these song are difficult to listen to!!!! if it isn’t for for people, then they need to reread the lyrics. outside of a hybe monetary boycott, i do believe streaming and analysis in tandem is not a bad thing. but we need that deliberate fan engagement. we are nothing without it.

especially the infighting and refusal of common ground, plus demonization of fandom creation overtime is truly toxic fan engagement distracting us and souring the environment overall.

i think solo era has brought on a lot of these issues as everyone was sorted into their own factions based on bias and a lot of ot7s showed their true colors. but i worry for what bts’ reaction will be when they witness the wreckage of this fandom. and even calling on hybe to do something about weverse army and weverse as a platform has not been resolved. maybe i personally just need time away, who knows.

[gg-university-if]

Okay I have loadsss to say!!!

Apologies in advance! It's a long rant. I'm excited.

Spoilers below!

All my ROs are Male so hence the pronouns my MC is a MLM

1. Beck is the most adorable fucking thing in the history of everything. I love him. Omggggggggggggggggg just how could your brain even come up with such a bean of a dude. He seems so stressed but so sweet. I adored his interaction with Jason it was so funny to read. And how much he actually misses his friend. Loved that I can have a crush on him because come on.

On that note tho:

Can I throw Ethan off a bridge???? Like Jesus dude cut it out. I see I'm gonna have issue with him on a beck route because dude doesn't know when to take a step back and not come off as a di....dingleberry!

2. The farewell with the fam was bittersweet as my MC has very complicated feeling towards the parents but Jace is just the best brother ever. Makes me sad I'm an only child.

3. Sids cute. ♥️ just so cute. Friendly and funny. Quite charming.

4. R is such a little lovebug. I love how we cldnt say no to him. And I had to stand up for him because no one gets to push my roommate around especially if they are really hot.

On that note again: ugh I want to punch Hader so badly... but I also want to romance him.. but I also wanted to throw a can at his head..empty can.. calm down.. 🙄 he can be glad he's hot and that I'm Slightly masochistic when doing IFs.. I also go for the your an asshole but i like you routes.. unfortunately 🥲

5. F seems like he is soooo fun! Very charismatic and DRAMATIC lol

6. Question. You said we would encounter EVERY (yes i saw that) RO.... did I see correctly and is there a secret RO.. and does that mean they are in the chapter? If it's Ethan end me now. It's gonna be an enemy to lovers route cuz he is aloooot.

Hmm what else..

I love the little things. Like choosing our aesthetics. Clothes, dorm room set up. It's a nice touch in customization. You love us awww 😭

Was wondering about customization and if MC is gonna have the option to have any piercings or tattoos their family know nothing about.

Oh I did see a bit of a typo I suppose. After Haders scene and meeting F. After you choose your food in the cafeteria. Instead of saying as you take a "bite out of your chicken katsu curry" it says take a "sip" but that's all I noticed. Also if you ever need beta readers.... 👀👀👀👀

Overall I loved the entire update. I can't wait to interact more with everyone. And as I'm on a music scholarship Hader is gonna have to get used to my MC talking back 🙄 it's great. Your writing is great. This is so fun to read and reading it brought a smile to my face. Thank you for working so hard on it. ♥️

Spoilers under the cut, let's break this down!

I love, love, love all the detail!

So I'll try and answer or have a comment for each bit since you made so much effort to give me feedback when you didn't need to.

Fun fact: Sid and the male form of one of the ROs are actually holdovers from an ill-starred short-lived mlm fic I wrote before GGGLU ever existed.

1. I'm so glad you liked Beck! I was worried that people would get irritated with him or end up not liking his personality but I thought the way I wrote him was most authentic to the story I wanted to tell for his route. He's so exhausted but so willing to help and isn't that just the cutest thing ever?

Ethan is Ethan, you'll definitely get your chance to be snarky and put down some fighting words with Ethan in the future. Infact at no point do you have to come to like him for Beck's Route but I can atleast say that there is a reason that he is Beck's University BFF and to a certain extent in my mind it makes his character a lot more...understandable if not your cup of tea.

2. (Obviously) there's the death of the author and I don't get to dictate how others interpret my writing but I'm so glad that you saw it the same way that I saw that scene when I was writing it because to a certain extent parting is a bittersweet moment for the MC regardless of how they feel about Jace and their parents.

3. Sid is adorable, just a ball of pop punk flavored sunshine. Was definitely one of my favorite characters to write in this part of the chapter and as a music scholarship MC you might be seeing more of them...but I'll shut my mouth for now.

4. Yeah I had debated allowing the MC to deny R and totally skip the cafeteria scene but I thought it was more fun if it was a compulsory event and the idea that R already has so much sway over the MC is sorta funny to me.

Hader is a bag of emotions and definitely stormy ones at that, I can't promise he'll ever be B or R levels of adorable but I can say that Riley wasn't lying when he said Hader isn't always like that and that usually he's a little more hot than scary and broody than angry.

The intended effect for my Hader-mancers was that they would want to punch and kiss him at the same time and seeing as they were already simping I had to ramp up the punching bit.

5. Fred is also good fun to write, I keep on saying this but also one of my favorites to write this time round and also one of the hardest for me. I'm not naturally a very dramatic or big personality so it's hard to write someone who is naturally charming and affable, I'm happy it was able to work somewhat as intended.

6. Hehehe the secret RO is in the demo currently and seeing as they're already implemented it's not a particularly big deal for me to reveal them BUT seeing as you guessed wrong I guess I'll be keeping it a secret for a little while longer.

A little hint: part of the reason H is so angry has to do with our beloved secret RO.

7. Customization is going to come as necessary to the story, things like tattoos and piercings are planned to come in part 2 of chapter one.

At some point you'll have a chance to get bigger tattoos but so early in the story the only tattoos you can have hidden from your parents will be pretty small.

8. I do need beta readers 😭😭😭 but I don't know how to get in contact with anyone through the proper routes and I'm famously awful with Discord amongst my friends.

If I ever figure out how to set up a Discord or interact with readers outside of Tumblr itself through the proper routes of communication then you will definitely be at the top of the list!!!

Finally we're at the end, thank you for giving me such a comprehensive breakdown of your experience. I really couldn't and wouldn't be able to write if it wasn't for your encouragement and excitement to push me forward to write.

I'm glad my writing style is atleast palatable and I'm more than ecstatic that it was able to provide a momentary amount of joy when reading.

Thank you for reading!

[kai-ni]

Ah wait I'm gonna have a little rant about Tron: Uprising's character design for a second -

And I don't mean visually, which I'm sure plenty of people have done essays on because they are all so SHAPED fr, but... I mean writing-wise. Personalities.

Pavel and Paige are my favorite example, because they just play so well off each other. Pavel being, legitimately, a raging lunatic (I love him) bounces so well off Paige actually having a bit of a conscience and a tragic backstory that makes her more sympathetic. You really don't feel any sympathy for Pavel and you're always rooting for Paige against him which is just... really good writing, man! You're led along that line of thinking far before Beck tries to change her mind and turn her to good. (Which honestly makes him failing to do so even more devastating, so again, good writing...) But Pavel isn't played off as stupid or completely incompetent, and he nearly succeeds (does succeed? mans was playing 4D chess) in the date night episode. He's right about certain things (such as Tesler being generally incompetent - I mean he is, really, as scary as he can be at times) and a real threat. Which also makes Paige's blind loyalty to Tesler even more tragic! which again - good writing! :D The dysfunctional dynamic between the three of them that still feels like family at times ('Never underestimate our dear Paige!') is just really well done! Tron and Beck are fairly obvious, the classic jaded and grumpy mentor and eager young student, see also: Batman: Beyond. 8) But also, I love how this changes over time - they go from legitimately bickering and disagreeing (See 'The Renegade') to Tron cracking jokes and gently teasing him about his crush on Paige in Rendezvous. Tron starts to loosen up, give him more ground, and legitimately let him make his own choices and mistakes (Iike a good dad, sniff). And in the end we find out Tron trusts him deeply, after it's established the guy has serious trust issues (See 'Identity') because in 'Terminal' Tron trusts Beck with his life, literally. Trusts Beck to save him before he can be repurposed. Before Beck suggested that plan, he was content to die rather than become Clu's slave (see Scars Pt.2 where he sasses Dyson about that). I just have a lot of feelings about them ok!! Everyone is so three dimensional! Even Zed, who starts out as a really stereotypical character grows a bit by the end. I love everyone in this bar T_T