#being honest though. idk i can see a future for myself that's longer than just the next week or two

[genderfluid-druid]

on the one hand i never want to live with another person ever again but on the other hand the weather got cold and i pulled out my heavy blankets and the bed is so COMFY and it is absolutely CRIMINAL that not a soul in this vast world is sharing it with me 😤

[rubberduckrobin]

Dreams of the future.

Pairing: Simeon X GN!Reader

Summary:

“ My heart beats out of my chest for them and I just can’t help it. Is it love?”

Y/N has been invited over for a sleepover at Purgatory hall, with Luke, Solomon and Simeon, but Simeon struggles concealing his newfound feelings for them….

Read Simeon’s perspective as he falls deeper in love with them…

Word Count: Around 4k

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/49380574/chapters/124613413

Author's note: Heyyy, idk what to say…um….yeah. 🤷‍♂️ Enjoy reading!

TW: Nothing I can think of.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

Part 1: My heart is beating and I know why.

I didn’t get a good night's sleep last night. I guess the issue was anticipation. I have to admit it, I'm so excited. Luke has been so pumped up for this sleepover and I suppose it’s rubbed off on me…

The more I think about it, the more I can’t think at all; all of the words inside my head seem to jumble to form images of what may be the future or what may not be; and I just have to sit there an comfort myself that i’m not going to make a fool of myself in front of them.

Y/N was invited. Is that the reason that whenever I think about it, it's with not only feelings of excitement but also fear? Are they the reason that my heart pounds whenever I think of them staying over, or just the thought of them at all? 

I don’t know much about love. In the Celestial Realm, all I knew was to value kinship above everything else. Not once have I felt the sensations I felt, to quite the extent, from just standing near them. 

My heart beats out of my chest for them and I just can’t help it. Is it love? I didn't notice these feelings until the idea of the sleepover came up. It was Luke's idea to plan this, and looking back on my motives to go along with it, I now realise that I agreed with the sole purpose of getting to spend more time with Y/N. 

It’s unusual how I was so blind to the sensations I felt in my body before. How could I have not noticed my strong longing to hold them in my arms, intertwine our fingers, pepper them with soft kisses. 

It’s foolish, I know. Solomon told me the same. He’d noticed long before me, and I only just noticed this now. He’d told me that it was obvious that I held a special place in my heart for Y/N, and that I was a fool in love who didn’t know yet. He said it teasingly, but perhaps it was right. 

Perhaps I'm really falling for them. Or perhaps I already have. I’m not used to this. How can I remember what I felt like before? It's like when you're sick, the sensation prevents you from remembering what it's like to be healthy. Oh, that would make more sense of the expression “lovesick” then. I guess I'll need a doctor, hehe.

The doorbell is ringing…my heart is pounding…

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

Part 2: I can no longer think without a thought of you.

Luke, Solomon and I welcome them at the door and seeing their smile makes me feel more at ease, remembering how many other days they had spent at Purgatory Hall. Not overnight, however, but it surely can’t be too much of a difference; even though they will be sleeping over, they will be sleeping in Luke’s room once we are all tired enough to declare the night’s events over. 

I realise that (in a hidden disappointment ) perhaps it's best that Solomon and I retreat to our own rooms. Luke may be an angel who has lived for more than the average human does, but he is still a child in angel standards, and being an angel alone can also put someone at ease, so I'm sure Y/N would be more comfortable sleeping with just Luke. Luke is overjoyed, of course. He’s really taken a liking to them, and I think he sees them as his best friend. This is the happiest I've seen him and I'm glad.

I wonder how Y/N charms so many people. Solomon has been stolen by their charms too, and being honest, it makes me jealous. He’s much more forward and flirtatious than I am and sometimes I just have to hope that Y/N hasn’t fallen for him before me. If I even had a chance, that is. 

If there’s even the slither of possibility that whenever Y/N sees me their heart beats at the same rapid pace as mine, and that they feel jittery at just the slight brush of our shoulders, then perhaps maybe I would indulge in a more open expression of my feelings for them. 

When my eyes meet theirs I see the realm of possibility that they share my feelings. But when they look away, I can see it shatter, and I can feel the thumping in my heart when they tell me that they can’t accept how I feel for them, outcasting me. Neglecting me for Solomon, perhaps. 

Yet again, my heart doesn't allow this, and desperately tries to pull me closer to them, my lips to part and for me to just…say it. Tell them that i've never felt this way about someone before. Tell them that I want to hold them in my arms, intertwine our fingers and pepper them with soft kisses. Tell them that I don’t want them to smile at Solomon, or Luke, or anyone else, only me, and that we would dance in my dreams forever.

We’ve now made it into the kitchen. Of course, all of the previous thoughts were momentary, however not once has it escaped the back of my mind. 

Luke says “Do you guys want to bake cupcakes for our first activity? I brought the ingredients!”

I catch a glance at Y/N and they seem eager, so I reflect that on myself too, hoping that they could find the similarity between us, and want to search for more. 

We start to prepare. Luke preheats the oven. I start to crack the eggs that had been left out to set while I watch in the corner of my eye Y/N and Solomon, too close for my own comfort, and they smile at each other and my heart hurts. They take out the ingredients from the fridge and their hands meet as my own clench, not in anger, but regret in knowing I haven't been working hard enough to have a closer bond with Y/N. 

I tell myself I'm getting too worked up and need to focus on just having a good time. 

So I do just that. 

When we are all mixing the ingredients in the bowl, I take the opportunity to ‘flirt’ a little with Y/N. I put my hand in the flour bag and as I took it out, I flicked it on their face. They flinch a little and I start to feel bad, but then I notice that beautiful smile of theirs again, and it gives me courage to keep going - I grab a bigger amount of flour and chuck it at them, but of course not too much to waste it, and this time it ends up all over their face, including right to the tip of their nose, and I find it absolutely adorable. So much as to stupidly comment on it:

On the tip of my tongue, the words slip out and I catch myself saying “you're so cute” mid-way from what seems to be a giggle. 

I didn’t intend to make things awkward but an inevitable solitary gap follows. In order to ease the awkward tension, I laugh and scratch at the nape of my neck. 

Solomon notices and joins along too, taking some flour and throwing it at me. I inhale the powder and sneeze a little. 

“Revenge” he says, with that classic, seductive smirk. If I hadn’t fallen for Y/N first, I'd probably be head over heels for this man. 

Luke joins in with the fun too, and takes a dainty amount of flour, presumably not to waste any more, and throws it at Solomon. Solomon turns around and pulls a fake angry face, but Luke takes it a bit too seriously and gulps. I notice this so I step out and gave him a good pat on the head to let him know we were just playing, but little did he know that I had flour all over my hand! 

Solomon points this out, we laugh and by the time the cupcake mixture is in the mould, I had forgotten my negative thoughts from earlier.

Y/N still has a bit of flour on their cheek…I lick my finger subconsciously and wipe it off…

Thank the celestial realm that no one else saw…well, except for Y/N…they turn away and their face reddens…I'm worried I may have made them uncomfortable, or even angry. 

“Oh…! I-I’m sorry.”

But before I can catch their response, everyone's attention turns to the oven as it pings, letting us know that the cupcakes are ready. 

“Guys guys! Look~! They look great don’t they!” Luke exclaims while taking them out of the oven. The cupcakes are a sort of golden-brown colour and they look absolutely delicious. 

“Shall we decorate them?” Solomon suggests. I have to agree that they do seem plain. 

I turn to Y/N who seems to have decided to ignore what happened, and me in the process, and they seem pretty enthusiastic to decorate the cupcakes.

And I now feel the same. 

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

Part 3: Setting the mood.

It’s been a long day. 

I’m not necessarily tired, but it seems as though Luke definitely is - he dozed off within the first few hours of our film marathon. So, we have decided to move to my room, so we don't disturb him. 

Once we get there, Y/N immediately makes a beeline towards my bed, and I can’t help but blush. Seeming relaxed, they leap onto it and sigh. I’m glad they don’t feel self-conscious about the fact that they are in my room for the first time. 

“Oh…sorry! I see a bed and I run to it, haha…” They go to stand up but I assure them it's fine, and it's exactly what we were doing in Luke's room in order to watch the film on Solomon’s D.D.D. 

We all sit on my bed, and lie down with Solomon in the middle, phone in front of us. Every now and then, my eyes drift towards Y/N from across us, and I see them intently watching the movie. I’m not too keen on this sort of movie, but it was their suggestion so Solomon and I thought we should try it; don’t get me wrong, it’s not too bad, but i’d rather admire Y/N…I didn’t intend for that to be creepy in any way, but i suppose it does seem like that. 

The film has ended now, and Solomon gets up and stretches. Through a yawn, he says “I’m starting to feel knackered, so I’m gonna go to bed early. Although, I do have a film recommendation for you!”

“But won’t you want to watch it too?” Y/N makes a good point. I sense an ulterior motive to what Solomon is doing…

“Nah. I’m good. I’ve seen it too many times to count. Let me know what you think in the morning. Good night!” And with a casual wave, he’s gone to his room. 

That sly sorcerer. I know what he’s doing. You can already tell by the title of the film: it’s a romance.

However, Y/N seems eager to try, and I'm not tired so I suppose I'll do it for them…

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

Part 4: Romance movies set the mood. How I would like to kiss you…

We are mid-way through the film now, watching on my D.D.D now, of course, and the romantic progressions are starting to show. The main character has finally admitted their feelings for him, but he is oblivious to his own. (I’m starting to see why Solomon chose this one specifically…)

Now…she kisses him. I shuffle in my position. I’m starting to feel a bit awkward sitting next to Y/N, and my heart starts to beat faster than it was before. I wonder if they feel the same way. 

Maybe I should just tell them. In fact…I will.

As the kissing scene gets more passionate, I sneak a glance at them…

They are fast asleep. 

I don’t mean to think this in an unsettling way, but they are even beautiful when they sleep…I watch the rise and fall of their breath, only for a moment, despite it feeling like eternity. They look so peaceful. I wonder what they are dreaming of. Of me? Or of a blank canvas. 

I’m disappointed I wasn’t able to tell them how I felt. There’s always tomorrow, I guess.

I turn off my phone and we are submerged in darkness momentarily before my eyes adjust. I carefully get off the bed in order not to disturb them, and I just stand there a moment. Only for a moment, I see what could be. I see my hand in theirs, their heart for mine. 

I cover them with my duvet. 

As much as I wished I could sleep beside them, I know that it would be inappropriate. Despite the fact that they look so cosy and warm, I must fight my desperacy to stay beside them. 

I try to settle on my settee, ready to sleep. 

I eventually drift into a light slumber… 

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

Part 5: I’m ready to sleep, knowing i’ll see you in my dreams.

Even in my vacancy of consciousness, my mind still wanders to the thought of them. Their smile, their laugh…

When I close my eyes I think of them, I dream of them. I see them in idle scenarios made of coffee shops and dancing in the rain. They make me feel as though I am in a dream in itself, never wanting to wake up from my lovesick acoma. 

My dreams are of what I could have said or done with them, but they are also made of what could possibly be. Dreams of the future. 

In the darkness of my shut eyelids I see their silhouette in colours; colours of beauty and gold. I find myself tracing the outer lines of their shadows that stayed with me from the day and the remnants of memories that I spent with them. 

Solomon is right…I do hold a special place in my heart for them.

I think I love them.

I love Y/N…

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

Part 6: Hazy mornings, hazy dreams.

I wake up - there’s no way to tell whether it's daytime, being in the Devildom and all. 

It’s difficult to see, so I tumble off…oh. Right. I slept on my settee. That explains the sudden back ache I have. After I'd lazily slumped off, rubbing my hazed eyes, I stretched a little, and a yawn escaped me. 

I go to check the time on my D.D.D when I hear a noise…

“Simeon…” 

From under the constraint of my duvet, I can hear their faint lethargic breaths. Y/N seems to still be asleep.

I’ve only just taken in what I had just heard…my name? 

I must be mistaken.

But I heard it again. This time, louder and clearer, as though they knew I was trying to listen. Or maybe because they were calling out for me. 

Does this mean…they are dreaming of me, too? 

Tell me universe, is this a sign? I don’t believe my own heart when it tells me it is. I suppose I can’t trust anything but their own words.

If they are dreaming of me, I wonder what it’s about.

“I…”

Hm…? I listen intently to see if they add anything.

“I really love…”

Love? They love what? 

“Please…”

No no, Y/N…finish…I subconsciously make my way towards my bed, and sit on the end. I look at their face; before admiring their features as I normally do, I notice that their expression is content, in a light smile.

“Come closer…”

For a second, I almost believe that they are talking to me. 

Perhaps I should stop listening…

“Simeon…?”

Oh lord. 

“Why am I in your bed? …oh yeah. Um…thank you…wait…where did you sleep?!”

They leap up suddenly, and it makes me jump a little. I can feel my cheeks heat up at just the thought of what they were implying.

“O-oh! No, I slept on my settee. I promise.” 

I hold out my pinkie to them.

“It’s alright…”

And for a moment, I swear they say under their breath, the words I wanted to hear…“I wouldn’t have minded”, but maybe it was my imagination at work again.

They rise out of my bed and I get up to turn on my bedside lamp.

“Thanks.”

We are both wearing the same clothes as last night. Luke was the only one who had put on pyjamas, the rest of us had just remained in our lounging clothes. 

Y/N gasps, seemingly looking at their reflection on the camera app of their D.D.D (how did they even get it to face them? i’m not good with technology…).

I take a sudden fleeting moment to look at them under the warmth of the light and I notice their horrendous bed hair…not that it makes them look bad, of course, I'd never even dream it possible…but the hair itself has become so tangled it creates an almost abstract appearance that I’d deem it an entire otherworldly being…okay, that was an exaggeration, but their reaction compliments my description well.

I have a sudden thought. Whilst they are checking their D.D.D notifications, I swiftly open my drawer and retrieve my comb. I remove my own stranded hairs from it, discard them and approach Y/N. 

With sudden confidence, I catch their attention by tapping them lightly on the head with the comb. 

“Here, you can borrow this.” I say with a polite smile, and they turn to me and my confidence vanishes in an instance. And there it is, their smile…

“…oh! Thanks, Simeon. True lifesaver, I forgot mine.”

I watch them put their D.D.D down and struggle to get the knots out of their hair.

“Um…Y/N…would you like some…help?”

How I would love to brush their hair. I guess sometimes my thoughts escape my mouth before I even realise it.

After some consideration, they say “…yes.”. I’d imagined the opposite. I’m relieved.

They hand me the brush and sit on my armchair and I think to myself “Good heavens…why is my heart beating so fast? I’ve brushed Luke’s hair before and it was alright. Although I suppose the circumstance is different, seeing as I consider Luke a younger brother. 

And Y/N…well…I’m hoping I’ll someday have the ability to consider them something more than just a friend…and maybe, that day will be today, if I regain the courage I had last night.

As I stroke through their hair with my comb, we remain in a comfortable silence. 

I get the sudden feeling that perhaps now I should tell them. They would be leaving soon, and I most likely wouldn’t be seeing them until the next week…

I’m going to do it. I’m going to tell them-

“Hey…Simeon…”

“Um…yes?”

“Did I…snore last night?”

Oh my god, why did they have to do that to me - I thought my heart would burst out of my chest there and then! 

But now I notice my own disappointment and my heart sinks. 

Through strained nervous laughter I say, “Haha, no, no you didn't…,” Should I bring up the sleep talking? Too late…”,but you did talk in your sleep…”

“Oh gosh! Really!” They turn to me as I finish off the last section of their hair. I ran my fingers through it to make sure I didn’t miss anything…it’s as soft as I’d thought it would be.

I would say that their hair is one of my favourite things about them..but it’s an impossible choice out of millions of other things…Although, if you’d forced me to pick something of them all, my ultimate favourite would be their smile.

Knowing that they are happy makes me happy. Is that selfish? Or perhaps because it also helps them be their utmost self, showing off their other millions of favourable traits. 

“Mhm, yeah…”

“What did I say?! I better not have said anything embarrassing!”

I finish messing around with their hair and go to put my brush in their drawer. 

An angel must strive to be honest, so I tell the truth. However, is it okay to admit that I mainly told the truth because I greedily wanted to know what they would say upon hearing that they dreamt of me? 

“You…said my name” I nervously rub the nape of my neck again and avoid their gaze, although there wasn’t much left to avoid, as they looked at their feet shyly. 

“Wait…really? That’s so embarrassing!”

“If it helps, you didn’t say much other than that.” 

“Still!”

They look at me through the dimly lit room, their eyes sparkling and I just melt.

“…do you remember the dream?”

I add a teasing tone slightly, in order not to reveal too much of my interest.

“…no…”

That was definitely a lie; they averted eye contact again…it’s so adorable. However, I still don’t know for sure whether their dream was of the sort I would want it to be…

I won’t push them. 

“Anyway, Simeon, how did you sleep?”

I notice that they are trying to change the subject. It shouldn't bother me too much, seeing as they must be doing it because they are uncomfortable, but it irritates me slightly that I will never know what the dream was about. 

“That’s very sweet of you, I slept alright, thank you. And you?”

“Um…yes. Very well, thanks. Uhm…I'm sorry I took over your bed last night…”

“No problem. I’m alright with it.” 

Before we finish with the conversation…a smell of smoke arises from the halls, and presumably coming from the kitchen.

As though a part of the same mind, we simultaneously scramble outside to find out what's happening…

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

Part 7: Why in Celestia did I let Solomon cook?

“Solomon!”

I shout out, half in shock and the other in momentary anger. 

“Whoops.” 

He slides a cheeky grin as he backs away from the burning pan.

Luke is on the verge of tears and frantically swatting away the smoke with a cookbook. 

“It’s alright Luke. Nobody’s hurt, right?”

I observe Solomon and Luke and they don’t seem to have any burn injuries or much affect from the smoke. 

Y/N makes a very valid statement of “So, I’m guessing the Devildom don’t have fire alarms? Because of it being hell and all? …Perhaps we should ask Lord Diavolo for a special installation…”

“Good idea.” We need a better warning of Solomon cooking, than smoke. This man…he’s a renowned famous sorcerer, who can do almost anything…but he can’t even fry an egg without creating toxic, hazardous fuel!

“Solomon..step further away fromt he frying pan…that’s it…further…”

Y/N seems to be enjoying this.

It’s a hilarious dilema, I have to admit. 

“I was just trying to make breakfast for everyone, but then this happened…”

“How do you manage to do this every time…?” I sigh, knowing that sometimes the impossible is possible with sorcerers. 

“No clue. Honestly.”

Luke generously offers to make us a new breakfast, still slightly shaken. 

After we finish our luckily non-hazardous breakfast, I sense that Y/N might need to leave soon…

I’ve decided won’t let them until I've told them. Told them how I feel.

Easier said than done, most likely, but I'll try my hardest. Starting…now.

“Hey! Y/N, can we talk for a bit?”

Solomon shoots me an all-knowing glare and discreetly gives a thumbs up. Perhaps I was wrong to be suspicious of him. After all, he’s one of my best friends - he’d only want what's best for me. 

“Um…sure!” 

Noticing how forward and sudden my suggestion was, I tense a little, but I'm not going to give up just yet. 

“…can you come with me?”

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ❀⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ❀⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ❀⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ❀⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ❀

I take them to the garden. I find comfort here, amongst all of the non-judgmental flowers. It also creates a romantic setting, if I were in need of such a benefit…which would be befitting for now. 

Amongst the rows of pretty flora, my vision sets on only Y/N under the Devildom’s pale morning moonlight. 

Somehow, it makes them even more beautiful. 

“What did you want to say, Simeon?”

“I… just wanted to let you know that…”

They sit on the floor under a gazebo, conveniently placed in privacy behind a brush of roses, and I join them. 

“I need to tell you this in order to be completely honest with you…I don’t want to mislead myself any longer so I'm relying on an answer, however there is no pressure for one…

I’ve been experiencing feelings that I've never felt before, and I found them in you. I think I’ve fallen for you…”

They’re a little shocked, but under the blue light and the shadows cast by the glare, I see that smile again. The one I’ve made my new joy. 

“I feel the same, Simeon.”

My heart flutters but this time it's brought with it a new emotion…of hope.

I’d dreamed of idle scenarios, where Y/N and I would spend our time in coffee shops, dance in the rain, no mind of what others perceive. To hold them in my arms, intertwine our fingers, pepper them with soft kisses. 

It will take some time…but perhaps my dreams can come true.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ❀⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ❀⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ❀⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ❀⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ❀⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡

End author’s note: Thank you so much for readinggg! Feel free to send in requests & if you like, lmk if you enjoyed it. Have a great day/night :)

Oh! And a joke before you go…

How do angels greet each other…they say “halo!”

I’ll take my leave… 🏃‍♀️

[juniper-divination-and-witchery]

hey, just wanted to express appreciation and gratitude for your ogham post series. they're really helping me so much to learn interpretation of the feda! the clarity and thoroughness of your profiles for each stave present the information so well and give options for interpretation that other sources lack, so thank youuuu

also hoping/wondering whether you could clarify a reading I've done for myself? my draw was a simple linear three stave, for past present and future. the order was Huathe--Gort--Beith, which to me presents a contradiction in terms? moving from the caution and fear of Hawthorn to the dynamic powerful position of Ivy is possible, but hasn't happened in my personal trajectory, as I've been more or less avoiding the bad situation with this past/problem person. so what does that signify? and as for Birch in the result/future, this situation is kind of a dead end and has no positive or fruitful creative new solution that I can see, so how could this ogham be enacted? it's so confusing

for context: the question I asked the staves and the Gods (I am not a devotee yet, just venerating the Brythonic pantheon) was--how to get over a long-term dormant and unresolved issue I've been having with someone (who is in town this weekend after an absence of years), and to move on and forward with my highest good.

this past person is younger, close to my family, and got psychologically ill when we were still teens and he was living with me & my parents (who got him back to full health at great personal cost), which traumatised me and left me neglected at the time. it still gets to me that he's never bothered apologising or even explaining it. we also once had a mutual physical crush we never acted on when we were kids, the energy of which still lingers in our dynamic even though we no longer talk or see each other much and have other partners. he's living a fun successful abundant life he can be proud of now and I'm not, and it's creating emotional issues, fear and anger blockages for me that therapy hasn't helped with. hashing it out and being honest isn't really an option for us, sadly, so idk what to do.

any insight or advice on how to apply the meanings of these feda would be so appreciated. hope your weekend is amazing x

I'm glad the series helped you! I apologize for letting this sit in my inbox for so long; I've just returned from a trip.

Just to start with, I've found that it's much easier to interpret ogham by casting them like bones or runes rather than pulling them like tarot cards. The spatial arrangement and positions of the different feda can often provide clarity to their meanings and relationships to one another.

That being said, let's break down what you've drawn:

Uath is strongly associated with fear and pain, which sounds like it echos some of your past experiences with this individual. This fid can also suggest a need to reevaluate your current path.

Gort represents represents a safe haven where you can find comfort, peace, and personal growth. You mentioned therapy, which could be indicated here, but it could also be any area in your life where you feel a similar sense of peace and security.

Beith is associated with new beginnings, personal growth, protection, and purification.

Considering everything you've shared and the feda drawn, it appears to be a call to reassess your relationship with this person and how you perceive your past with them.

In your message, you mentioned that this person has not apologized to you. However, what struck me is that the issues you mentioned—their developing mental illness and your parents neglecting you to care for them—seem like circumstances beyond their control.

The fid you drew for the past, Uath, also hints that some of your pain and anger may be misdirected. The responsibility for meeting your needs as a child rests with your parents. If your parents neglected you, even if their intention wasn't to do so, they are the ones who owe you an apology.

You expressed not being proud of the life you're living now in comparison with this other person. Gort suggests that you should grant yourself peace and freedom from the burden of comparing yourself to them. If necessary, consider unfollowing or muting them on social media, and focus on defining your own goals and the way you want to live, rather than competing with or opposing this other person.

Drawing Beith as the future is, to me, a hopeful sign that with some distance and effort, you can find a way forward in your relationship with this person. Spending some time to prioritize yourself and untangle where your feelings of anger and hurt truly originate, rather than fixating on this individual will hopefully bring you some relief.

[doitytoity]

10.1

Hung out with Marco last night and boy oh boy why must guys take it there…

Like I haven’t seen you in years why are you trying to put your arm around me? God it’s so awkward to be like can u not™️

But if he tries to kiss me or get all in my face I’m gonna have to shut that down. I’ve been realizing that I’m making all this too important to me. Why am I worried about any of this? Like why am I wasting thought on things I’m really not trying to actually pursue?

I cannot do this right now lol so much shit needs to change before THIS!!!!!! comes anywhere near my field of vision. Like what.

It’s crazy. I’m not going to be happy unless I live fucking TRUTHFULLY. I’m not ready for any of this. I’m not ready for Marco or RUdY (so dead @ my autocorrect) or fucking anybody. I have so much to do…

Fuuuuuuck. Like I really do. I am so obviously being called in a different direction. I can be friends with whoever! I just cannot commit… like that’s how I feel right now. Like I’m getting clear direction to hold out. I’m going through too much mentally.

Last night Marco asked “are you better now?” which I’m not really sure what that meant but I said yes because I was applying it to the broad sense that like I am not doing codependency anymore so in that sense I’m better.

But like I think he meant it like “are you gonna dip out on me again” which LIIIKKKKEEEE sounds like a claustrophobia trigger. Because idfk. I’m better in a sense that doesn’t necessarily serve him in any way outside us being friends. I’m no longer prioritizing committing myself to someone when I’m not even committed to myself in many ways. We can hang, we can go places, but we won’t be like cupcaking lmaoooo nah

I feel silly. Man I guess if I’m being honest it’s because that’s not where I want to be. The place I want to be is actually despicable! And not at all viable. And just fake and sad and imaginary. Even though I know there were good parts, I’ll never know the truth about them. It’s hard to be in love with someone you hate.

Like I know I’m so so so lucky to be free! I cannot overlook that. I just wish so much that things would’ve been different. But they were not and I am 100% aware of that. We are solid on that one chief.

I really take my life for rides just kinda carelessly and I’m seeing that miss girl on that Johan Lennox album was really right like you kinda gotta move with steady intention… or this shit can just take your ass. It’s wild.

I’m really off the romance train. Like I’m decidedly off it.

I can see a future version of myself who is super successful and living a life I know I deserve. Living the life I know I am destined to live. One of simple luxury and vast wealth. I just need to wake up. Like what is going on. Why do I wanna put my head down so bad????? WHYYYYY

I am destined for so much more than a relationship. Having someone choose me should not be my main goal. There is literally an empire to build idk how I’m gonna do it but I am.

I want to commit to and invest in myself as an artist. I don’t know where I’m headed but it has to look better with my head out of my ass.

Everybody’s gotta learn sometime is on, how perfect

[yeahlenas]

yelena belova | best fanfic recommendation list

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

welcome to my masterlist of yelena (and natasha) centric fanfiction - there’s not too many out there, but i suspect the tag will explode after the movie finally comes out. but until then i thought i’d share with you the works i’ve found and that i enjoyed immensely!!

this list includes fics with yelena as the main character (not too many), and others where yelenat is the main pairing (romantically/platonically), or yelena is not the main character but still is important and featured.

hopefully this list will give you some new epic content and inspiration for your own works! (cause let’s be honest the internet needs more of these incredible characters)

my own works:

starting this off with some shameless selfpromo hehe ≧◡≦. i never really wrote fanfiction before the character of yelena came and gave me so much inspiration and motivation!! 

if i had to perish twice (edge of tomorrow au) 

status: completed 1/1 words: 19,549 

a loooong and good one (unbiased) to get you started!! this is by far the longest piece of writing i’ve ever done and i’m super proud of it! this is an au of the movie edge of tomorrow, and yelena is the main protagonist. there is also implied stucky and a lot of the avengers show up throughout. yelenat is the main pairing! you don’t have to watch the movie to understand it (i hope), i’ve tried to explain it in the fic to the best of my ability! (that being said, watching the trailer helps and ofc the movie is the very best option, it’s on netflix!)

read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26082565

i tend not to weep

status: completed 1/1 words: 3,166

natasha and yelena’s cover is blown, and when they escape their plane is shot down - injured yelenat, hurt & comfort and angst.

read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27334447

i’ll be the actress (starring in your bad dreams)

status: completed 1/1 words: 2,610 

two russian assassins walk into a bar. it doesn't go how either of them had planned. 

a crossover with killing eve, in which yelena meets the mysterious character of villanelle during a mission.

read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29617044

you’ll have a good time with all of these amazing fics:

drip (that’s the sound of your ledger) | LOVE THIS ONE

“ There were whispers, after S.H.I.E.L.D.'s fall. They followed Natasha wherever she went, until she could ignore them no longer. 

Welcome back to the Red Room.”

status: completed 13/13 words: 86,222 author: songofdefiance

THIS. this fic came out of nowhere and hit me until i was down (and then some more) with the pairing of nat and sharon which i didn’t know i needed!!! great twists, fun adventure, and yelena is giving me all the feels in this one. high re-readability!! the entire fic is incredible and 10000% worth your time - it is also the first in an incredible series, and yelena features more heavily as we go along. i wish i could read it for the first time again!!

read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4156134

part one of the this won’t end with a whimper series: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4156134

black widow: from brooklyn with love

“Rosa Diaz thought her past was dead and buried somewhere out in the Siberian tundra. But when Natasha Romanoff shows up at the 99 with a smile and a bundle of secrets, she knows she has no choice but to finish what Red Room started.”

status: completed 12/12 words: 37,573 author: wonderlander090

i love brooklyn99. i love yelena and natasha. the genius of wonderlander090 wrote a fic of everyone together and it’s SO MUCH FUN! features badass ladies, red room feels and overall epicness.

read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13387431

black widow

“After she released every piece of her secrecy to the world, Natasha Romanoff flees to get back her feeling of being a competent spy. Unfortunately, her old enemies have resurfaced, and have plans that force Natasha to meet old partners and old horrors. “

completed 17/17 words: 58,155 author: clarkesjade

the author’s wonderful take on the black widow movie. personal stakes, dark enemies and espionage with the great trio of nat, yelena and bucky against the world.

read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17284406

taipei

“Yelena is nowhere to be seen, and considering the circumstances, Natalia knows far better than to presume that means she made it out.”

status: completed 1/1 words: 1,518 author: novoaa1 (@ultralightdumbass)

yelenat banter, the best banter there is!! in which yelena and natasha’s paths crosses on a mission. 

read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24994090

part of the chance encounter series: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1809355

remember when we used to play?

“Natalia loves Yelena as fire loves innocence. It destroys and ruins and is doomed.”

status: completed 1/1 words: 2,315 author: hellotomyoldheart (@hellotomyoldheart)

a couple thousand words to step on my heart a couple thousand times :)) a yelenat with red room feels, and just a shit ton of feels in general lol help

read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21664936

youth (makes fools of us all)

“In 1994, a young Widow is assigned an important mission playing the wife of the Red Guardian. In 1994, two students are selected to accompany them.In 1994, against all machinations of the Red Room, a family is made.“

status: completed 1/1 words: 4,871 author: sanctuaria (@aleksandrachaev)

no words for this beautiful piece!! with the release of the new trailer something like this is canon now, and the entire idea of pretending to be a family and then natasha and yelena becoming one in their hearts is just OWWW, run me over instead, it’d hurt less

read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23954776

what a wicked game to play (to make me feel this way)

“after you win the games, you lose.” hunger games au.

status: complete 1/1 words: 60,545 author: taylorswift (not THAT ts haha (at least i dont think so??))

this is a clintasha au, so don’t expect tooo much yelena. i love the relationship between yelena and nat in this one though, so here it is!!

read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24957505

you made it this far (just a little bit more)

“I'm dead, Yelena says, I killed myself in that room, Natasha didn't need to shoot me for that, and isn't sure it translates.”

status: completed 1/1 series 3/3 words: 35,939 author: notcaycepollard (@notcaycepollard)

yelena is the main character in part 3 of this time travel fix it series. feels a bit au because (obviously) a lot of things were changed and their lives end up being very different. very happy take on everything and if you want some good old serotonin and good times for our characters, this one is so good!!

read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27913387

part 3 of the a flame in two cupped hands series: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1538677

the end (for now) (◕︵◕)

as you can see i get all my yelena fics from ao3, i think that site is just so wonderful and easy to navigate!! i’m updating the yelena tag often, and i’m constantly looking for new good fics to share - so if you’re interested, bookmark this/follow me for future updates! if you have any personal favorites from ao3 that i’ve missed, or from other sites, do not hesitate to share them with me so i can update the list!!

(also i tried to tag the authors i could find on tumblr but idk if it worked?)

[ryuichirou]

Sooo how you feeling about the ending of AOT. I’m crying when I read the final chapter.

+

Anonymous said:

Ryu, ryu. 139. Not gonna lie, I was kinda disappointed. It was too vanilla ice cream of an ending for a masterpiece storytelling of AoT. Can't believe this is from the same person who wrote 125ish chapter before. I honestly kinda want to see Historia nuke the ship lol. Your thoughts?

Anonymous said:

Do you think the ending of aot was done like this for pure fanservice?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sooo let’s talk about the last chapter. Like I mentioned in another reply, it would’ve been good to reread the whole manga first, but I don’t think we’re going to do that in the nearest future, so might as well rant about it now.

The ending was weird. When we read it for the first time, we chuckled at some parts, but overall it felt pretty ok (more on the “meh alright” level). And I personally still think that it’s alright overall: not the worst ending ever; and a lot of aspects of it do make sense. In this particular case, we think it’s better to have an “eh” ending than a bad, disappointing one (the one that hits all the major no-no’s, disappointing in this regard more than anything else). But the more we think about it, the weirder it gets somehow?

Of course we talked about how cool it would be to get a morbid dark ending, but it was kind of a given that Isayama would go a lighter route. And one part of me thinks that it’s kind of fair, because we had our morbid chapters and the story’s climax already, so this chapter was more like an epilogue of sorts?? But at the same time, I do agree that it felt too vanilla ice-cream. The mood shift was too drastic, and everything felt too convenient. The fact that everyone who turned into titans went right back to being humans kind of upset me too, but I do understand why it happened, I just wish we had them being titans at least for a little bit longer. I guess what I’m trying to say is that the ending indeed felt rushed. Maybe Isayama cursed himself when he promised 139 chapters…. Why not 140?? I wonder whose fault that is: the fanbase’s, the editor’s or his own.

The epilogue’s also supposed to give readers some closure, and I’m not sure if we got it: Eren’s actions didn’t really fix the problem. Maybe the point was not in fixing the problem, but in being the first step for the change? Now after all that rumbling debacle, the world can at least listen to what Eldians have to say..? Why the fuck does Armin talk about how conflict’s never going to vanish then? I’m a bit lost here. Oh and of course Armin thanking Eren for murdering 80% of the planet is the funniest thing ever. All of it might make more sense if you reread the whole thing though.

Who knows. Maybe Historia decided to conquer the world, maybe she wants to rule everything, maybe she keeps Jean and Connie’s moms hostage, maybe she is going to nuke that darn ship to show the world that Eldians don’t want to have a peaceful conversation anymore lol, Historia the Khaleesi.

There are elements of the chapter that we genuinely enjoyed. The fact that Eren actually talked to everybody, Gabi yeeting Falco instead of hugging him, Levi remembering his friends and crying quietly, Sasha smiling at Jean and Connie and these two hugging each other afterwards. Reiner and Karina’s scene was pretty nice too. Historia making her child the saddest birthday cake ever… like you’re a fucking queen, make something more pretentious idk... Hitch yawning, Rico being present, everyone being all fancy and stylish, Jean trying his best to look hot. And of course Levi chilling with his new family. As you can see, there are a lot of very nice moments there. Even the Eren scenes were fun to be perfectly honest, but more on him in another post.

And to the Anon who asked about the ending being fanservice: maybe kind of? If by fanservice you mean the fact that everything went kind of well and everyone got to hug their dad and turned back to humans, then yeah, it does feel like fanservice. Remember that story about Isayama wanting to kill off Sasha waaay back in ch36 but changing his plans because his editor was too upset about it? A similar thing happened here I guess: he did say that he had more of a dark ending in his mind, but had to change it.

When I hear the word “fanservice”, I personally think about Naruto’s and Bleach’s endings, but in SnK we didn’t get any kids (except for Historia’s baby), any kisses and any hand-holdings, so I’m very grateful for that. Yep, technically AruAni is still a thing (eyesroll…), but at this point I just sit there and repeat a mantra to myself: thank god none of them had kids or got married, thank god none of them had kids or got married, thank god none of them had kids or got married. Maybe my bar is too low lol And if you mean the Eremika thing: it’s kind of complicated, but I personally think that Yams wouldn’t  drop this bomb as fanservice: it doesn’t make sense to cater to just one particular group of shippers.

So yeah, this is our overall thoughts and feelings at this moment. And to be perfectly honest, I think the chapter won’t feel as bad after some time. Right now everyone’s very emotional about it (very understandable), people argue with each other, you see a lot of morons that make you even more upset or pissed off, everyone had their expectations and interpretations of the characters + ideas of what was and wasn’t important for the story, and Isayama is just one dude who is very experienced at writing stories, but isn’t as experienced at writing final chapters (which is absolutely ok). I think no matter what, there would be a lot of people who are upset with the chapter… but it doesn’t change the fact that it was rushed and that it is weird.

Damn it, wouldn’t it be great if we could have GOOD and BAD endings, like in visual novels?? This was the GOOD ending; now show me the apocalypse please.

[danieyells]

Hey Danie! I was wondering if you had any thoughts on Nyarlathotep in TAS; I was playing through the segments where he's relevant in the story and I find it really difficult to understand a lot of what he's saying xD I'm sure that's the point, but I wondered if you had any ideas about breaking down how he talks, cause he seems almost normal when you meet him and then rapidly becomes more and more difficult to parse? And his description says that he does a lot of dipping into multiple guilds and implies that he has an insane amount of influence on things, so I'm curious as to what your opinions on him are, if you have any!

Hello hello 'u' I love Nyarl lol he's. He's silly--but also has his own things going on. I wanna see more of him, and I imagine we have to eventually--maybe when we get together with the Missionaries and take on some of the Rule Makers.

(Somehoe this got long lmao. . .i've been eriting it on and off for a few hours, erased like all of it ay one point. . .i ended up going through all of his main story dialogue lol but i feel like i've explained nothing ay all. Here's a readmore)

Nyarl is "Crawling Chaos" for a reason--a lot of what he says and does has little to no sense or has real 'reason' beyond advancing the story or making things exciting/active. It's not supposed to, he's largely contradictory and he serves only himself, so he's just trying to have a good time and make interesting things happen. As he said, he wants to make reality into "mind-bending fiction"--his motivation is 'make everything as fun and wild as possible' basically.

But there's 1000 Nyarlathoteps. So part of the reason he's somewhat all over the place in terms of speech patterns and actions is possibly that, at any given point in time, you're not dealing with the same Nyarl you saw last time. Thus why he says things like "We Nyarlathoteps" when referring to himself. He also says at some point that he's collectively lived many lifetimes--so Nyarl is all at once a hivemind and not. His Aoyama Guild aligned iteration said the other 999 Nyarls don't care about the Missionaries, but he calls them his friends and helps them(though, only after he makes a mess of things because he wanted to see an exception--he also, through provocation, helps Ryota to learn to use and strengthen hos artifact). So it's important to understand that he's supposed to be contradictory and he's supposed to be hard to understand. He's honest and dishonest all at once because there are multiple Nyarls and not everything is true for all of them--except, perhaps, their love/admiration for Azathoth and their misery at being abandoned by him. Even their heights and weights are inconsistent.

But they do have feelings and they do live a lonely existence because the father/world they love has no mind for them and no future. So when Maria basically says "I forgive you and I love you and I understand and don't hold any of this against you because to act on love is the way of the Missionaries no matter how that action may be" he seems to have had felt. . .seen? Heard? Loved for the first time. And while the other 999 Nyarls don't care for the Aoyama Guild, they all love Azathoth and know the emptiness of his lack of feelings towards them. So with their hivemind, they were willing to defend Maria and the Guild for being the ones who care about them when no one else did, even though he's also the one who instigated the attack in the first place. Ultimately it fell in line with his will anyway--it'd be less interesting to act because of his love than to change sides in the middle of the war.

(For the most part Tsathoggua and Dagon are the only like. Idk. Decently mentally together Old Ones. Nodens apparently used to be sane but he's changed.)

Uuuh as for parsing together what he says. . .idk i guess it depends on what he's saying that's throwing you off? Were there any lines in particular? He mostly speaks in slang, jargon, and references. If there's any part in particular you're confused about I can see if I understand it myself and try and explain! I assume you mean his exchange with Maria where he talks about his love for Azathoth?

Re: his introduction. Something that doesn't translate at all is that. Nyarl speaks English. A lot. Especially in his first scene, he speaks almost entirely in English, a language MC and the others are implied not to understand well. On top of that he still speaks in a lot of modern English slang(reminder: this Tokyo was cut off from the rest of the world starting from 1999.)--so even if they do understand English, they're probably even more confused because he's speaking in colloquialisms beyond their grasp.

But that's really hard to translate to English because English is taught in most Japanese schools afair--so Japanese speakers have a decent chance of understanding some English. And even without that comprehension, the English is in rubytext/furigana while the Japanese is on the main line--so they have a sort of translation key that we haven't been given. He could have spoke in another language but there's no language that most English speakers would probably know the way that most Japanese speakers know a certain amount of English. (And they could've given us rubytext but it wouldn't make much sense to most English speakers nor really work/come across the same way and it'd look out of place.) So Nyarl speaking normally in that scene is actually like.

You may or may not know another language very well (for all i know you're ESL)--so imagine you're lost and ask someone for directions. They speak to you in a language you barely know, although they seem to understand what you're saying even if you don't understand them super well. That's what that scene was.

Basically there was no way to get across that part of what makes him incomprehensible is literally a language barrier. Maria says "I don't understand him most of the time" because she doesn't understand English as he speaks it.

SO THAT'S WHY THAT SCENE IS SENSIBLE COMPARED TO THE REST.

He speaks in Japanese much more after introducing himself to Ryota(after the "Yeah, baby! The Nyarlathoteps are at your service, yeah?" line he speaks in more Japanese--so that's where his dialogue starts getting a bit more wild, since they're no longer just giving him most of the same lines as the Japanese version.)

There are a lot of things I don't get either tbh. For example "heroic band of Mr. Carters"--I assumed it was the character from a story of some sort. He says "Mister Carters" in Japanese in the furigana and the regular text says "物語の主人公気取りたち" something like "the ones we'll call/claiming to be the heroes of the story". It's possibly a reference to the Lil Wayne song "Mr. Carter" which would make sense since Nyarl's a DJ????

So a lot of what he does is make references(mythology ones, for example calling Azazel 'Mr. Scapegoat' because the 'scapegoat' tradition originated with Yom Kippur and throwing goats off a cliff 'for Azazel'--to send away their sins; and he also calls Azazel 'Shub-Niggurath', the name of an Old One who's i think described as "The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young"--so because he has a friend who's a goat, he calls him the name of a goat he knows from home) speak in other languages(calling Hati 'Loup-garou', french for 'werewolf',) and says contradictory things or the opposite of what's 'normal.'

So just remember, as 1000 separate beings, you're supposed to see contradictions in most everything he does and says. So if you're struggling to understand then in a sense you're understanding perfectly lol

As for his influence on multiple guids, again, there are 1000 Nyarls. Each one may be part of another Guild, thus at their disposal should that Nyarl want to help--but usually they just wanna cause chaos, except now that Aoyama Nyarl's seemingly come to be attached to the Missionaries he seems protective of them(and the others will follow him when he calls for them). All of the Big Three Guilds as well as the Wisemen and Creators have a transient from Old Ones at their disposal.

So basically Nyarl can turn the tide but usually he doesn't care to help out that much because he has his own agenda. (He's also probably aware that the other guilds would sic their Old Ones on him if he attacked himself and it'd be a stalemate(and thus boring!) so he hangs out in other ways.

I feel like i definitely didn't say anything cohesive lol I REALLY LIKE NYARL he's just a very funny and interesting guy with no real barriers and he doesn't wanna admit he's jealous of Arc and he's just. Chaotic.

[marvelous-imagines-for-all]

“Siempre” Oscar x Plus Size Reader OnMyBlock

Based on: “Can you do a Oscar diaz imagine? Where he thinks the reader might break up with him because she's so distant. So he trys spending more time with her but shes still being distant but it's only because she thinks he's going to break up with her and she doesn't want to push her luck with him. Idk if that sounds dumb or not but I would love if you do it for me :) no rush, take your time”

“hey could you do a really cute and fluffy oscar imagine with a shy plus size reader. thanks and love your writing!”

Author: Alana

“I mean, we could always just do a movie night this evening?” Oscar offered, peaking his head outside the bathroom while brushing his teeth.

“Uh, I wish I could, but I forgot that I have a thing to do later.” You lied, avoiding eye contact with Oscar.

You grabbed your pair of fitted high waisted jeans and pulled them on along with your favorite top. You were never one to wear fitted clothes. That is, until you met Oscar. He always built up your confidence in yourself. He encouraged you to show off your beautiful voluptuous body. Because your body is a part of who you are as a person.

You finished changing your clothes and walked towards the door.

Oscar finished brushing his teeth and followed you outside of the room. “Is something wrong, baby? I didn’t think you had any plans today.”

You tried not to make direct eye contact with Oscar, because you had a feeling that you wouldn’t be seeing those eyes much longer. It would only hurt you more if you ignored what was bound to happen soon.

You smiled softly and glanced at Oscar’s eyes. “Yeah, I’m fine! I just got a text from my mom, reminding me that I promised to help her with something.” You continued your lie. “But I’ll catch you later, Oscar.” You finished, turning and walking outside.

Oscar watched you skeptically and gently grabbed your hand, turning your to him. “Hey, wait.. no kiss goodbye??” He smirked a little.

You felt your heart flutter. What if this is our last kiss though? You silently wondered as you watched Oscar’s lips. Then you better make it a memorable one, (y/n). You encouraged yourself.

You cupped Oscar’s cheek with one hand and placed your soft lips against his rough ones. You felt Oscar smile against your lips as he wrapped an arm around your waist, deepening the kiss.

You relaxed into the kiss, almost losing yourself into the bliss. You quickly became aware of your actions and abruptly pulled away from the kiss.

Clearing your throat, you fixed a piece of your hair that had fallen into your face. “I really should get going. I don’t want to keep mom waiting. Bye, baby.” You quickly walked off before Oscar could say anything.

Oscar frowned as he watched you speed off. He walked back into the house and looked at Cesar, who was sitting shirtless at the kitchen table and eating cereal. “Hey, can I ask you something, mano?” Oscar questioned, sitting across from Cesar.

Cesar watched Oscar cautiously, “Okay, this must be bad if you actually want to talk to me about something personal.” Cesar joked, finishing his cereal.

Oscar rolled his eyes before continuing, “It’s about (y/n). I think she wants to break up with me.” He admitted, sighing and rubbing his hand over his head. He noticed Cesar’s confused face and went on, “The last I checked, she didn’t have plans for today. But when I tried to plan a date for us, she clearly lied and talked about some made up plans with her mom.”

“How do you know she was lying?” Cesar questioned, getting up to put his bowl in the sink.

Oscar motioned to his nose, “She scrunches her nose when she is lying. She doesn’t notice that she does it, but I’ve caught on to it. Then when she was leaving, I kissed her and she seemed to enjoy it, but then she pulled away and ran off.” 

Cesar let out a small chuckle, “She ran away from you? Well that’s something new.”

Oscar glared and stood up, “This isn’t funny, mano! I think (y/n) is going to break up with me. She’s been distancing herself so much lately. It’s like she can’t bear being around me.” Oscar lowered his head, defeated. “What am I going to do?” He questioned quietly to himself more than Cesar.

Cesar looked at Oscar with guilt. Walking up to his brother, he put his hand on Oscar’s shoulder, “I’ll help you figure this out.”

-

“I just really don’t think he’s that into me anymore, Jasmine.” You spoke timidly, playing with your bracelet as you sat on Jasmine’s bed. “What if he doesn’t love how curvy I am even though he says he does. What if that’s why he’s going to break up with me?” You began to feel panic rise in your chest.

Jasmine sat down next to you and placed her hands over yours, “Girl, you are at least a 10/10 and ain’t nobody capable of putting a damper on your worth. I guarantee you are rocking Oscar’s world. And if you aren’t? Well you don’t want that boy anyways if he don’t love you for you!”

You nodded your head a little, taking in Jasmine’s words. “That’s true.. but, Jaz.” You let out a sigh, “I really want to be with him, but he’s been so distant lately. Then suddenly he wants to go out on a date. And the only thing I could think about was, what if he’s taking me out to break up with me?” You looked over at Jasmine, sadly.

Jasmine shook her head, “Then you need to call him out on his shit and let it be known he’s hurting you! All I know is Oscar ain’t about to be embarrassing my baby girl out on a date. You need to confront his ass ASAP!”

You let out a quiet laugh and bit your lip, “Okay, I’ll let him know I’m free tonight.”

“That’s my girl.” Jasmine smiled, gently nudging you.

You grabbed your phone and sent Oscar a text, “I’m available for tonight. I’ll meet you at your place. We need to talk.” You sent off the text message and took a deep breath. “I can do this.”

-

“I can’t do this.” Oscar said, reading the text and looking at Cesar worried. “She said we need to talk!! She’s going to break up with me, Cesar!” Oscar yelled, pacing around the room.

“Hey, cálmate. Everything is going to work out, Oscar. You can tell by the way she looks at you that (y/n) loves you.” Cesar tried to comfort his older brother. “Just tell her exactly what you told me earlier. Be honest about how you’ve been feeling lately.” Cesar offered a small smile.

Oscar nodded and stood up. “Okay, I’ll do that. But if it backfires-“ Oscar began to threaten.

“You’ll kill me, I know.” Cesar finished for him, rolling his eyes. “Good luck on your date. I’m hanging out with Jamal and Ruby tonight. I’ll see you later.” Cesar waved as he walked out of the house.

-

You gingerly knocked on the front door of the Diaz residence.

The front door swung open, revealing Oscar with his charming smile. A smile that very few people get to experience. You couldn’t help but to smile at seeing him.

“Hi..” you muttered, still smiling up at Oscar and stepping inside the house.

Closing the front door, he responded, “Hi, mi amor. How are you? You said you... needed to talk..?” Oscar spoke the words slowly and carefully, almost afraid that if he said one wrong word, you would just walk out.

It’s now or never, (y/n). You reminded yourself.

You gently grabbed Oscar’s hand and guided him to the couch. Oscar followed quietly. He sat down and gently began to bounce his knee in anticipation, the wait was killing him. What were you going to say? What did you need to talk about?

You took a deep breath and finally allowed yourself to stare deeply into Oscar’s eyes. You saw all the pain and worry and love that he had for you all at once.

“Oscar-“

“Are you breaking up with me??” Oscar blurted out with wide eyes. He didn’t wait for a response. “Am I doing something wrong? Am I not giving you enough attention?” Oscar’s voice began to quiver, “Am I not enough?” He asked you softly, looking at you with doe eyes.

In this moment, Oscar was the most insecure he had ever been. He finally found a good woman and it seemed like she was unhappy. He watched you with a pained expression on his face, just waiting for this moment to be over with. That sunken feeling remained in his stomach as he awaited your response.

Your heart broke at Oscar’s expression. You quickly pulled Oscar into your arms and you held him. “Don’t you ever question if you’re enough. You are more than enough, Oscar.” You looked down at him. “I never intended on breaking up with you, papí. I thought you were breaking up with me..” you spoke, tilting his chin up to you.

Oscar furrowed his eyebrows, “But you’re the one who’s been distancing themself?”

“That’s because you began distancing yourself first?” You informed your confused boyfriend.

Oscar sat up straight and stared at you, “Okay, wait a minute. So you’re saying that you’ve been distancing yourself because you thought I was going to break up with you.” He paused and watched your face for confirmation. You nodded your head and he continued, “And I’ve been distancing myself because I thought you were going to break up with me. But I tried to plan a date for us so that I could try to make things better. So I could show you how much I love you..” Oscar admitted, taking your hand gently and kissing your knuckles.

“Well don’t I feel like an idiot.” You spoke shyly. “This whole thing came from a big misunderstanding. That shows how great our communication skills are.” You remarked sarcastically, giving a small laugh.

Giving your hand a gentle squeeze Oscar spoke, “I would be a fool to ever break up with you, (y/n). You’re the woman I want to have a future with. Future wedding, future home, and many many future children.” He finished, kissing you meaningfully.

You giggled against his lips and whispered, “Many future children sound expensive.. I don’t know if I would like that.” You joked, gently scrunching your nose.

Oscar took note of your nose scrunch and smiled more to himself, “Something tells me that you wouldn’t mind, mi amor.” He kissed you softly once more before pulling away. “How about we have that movie date?” Oscar offered, standing up and making his way over to the tv.

You smiled excitedly and hopped off of the couch, “I’ll go get extra blankets and snacks!”

You ran to the bedroom and grabbed as many blankets that you could fit into your arms. You wobbled back out into the living room with blankets and a few pillows practically falling out of your arms.

Oscar chuckled at you and you gave a cheeky smile before dropping all of the items onto the couch.

While Oscar finished setting up the movie, you grabbed a few snacks from the kitchen and placed them on the coffee table.

Once finished, He walked over to you, snaking his arm around your waist. He tugged you closer and smiled as he made you this promise, “I promise that we will get better at communicating, Bebe. Nothing is going to take me away from you.” He swore, looking down at you with loving eyes.

“And I will hold you to that, Diaz.” You smiled, kissing his cheek. “But right now, it’s time for the movie!”

Oscar playfully rolled his eyes and sat on the couch. You went to sit next to him, but he grabbed your waist and pulled you down onto his lap.

“You almost sat in the wrong seat, baby girl.” Oscar smirked, gently squeezing your thighs.

You blushed and looked away from Oscar. You still weren’t used to him accepting your body type. It gave you butterflies, yet such a feeling that you were truly loved. All of you!

Relaxing into your boyfriend’s arms, he began tracing small shapes onto your thigh, calmly. He rested his chin on your shoulder so that he could watch the movie while cuddling his baby girl.

As the movie started, Oscar whispered one final thing into your ear, “I love you, (y/n). Siempre.”

You looked over your shoulder at him and kissed him passionately, “I love you too, baby boy. Always.”

Turning your attention back to the movie, you smiled to yourself, knowing that this is the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with.

From that day forward, the relationship dynamic had changed completely. Everything from that point on would be better.

[aspiestvmusings]

ZEP S2 WISH LIST

Here is my wish list for ZEP future season(s):

This is based on a list I posted on another site after the finale. I've just expenaded on it. And added more things to the list: 

One: Joan = CEO.  Zoey or Max = Joan’s job (Zoey = Joan & Max = Zoey OR Max = Joan). -- Because they gotta keep Max around on the 4th, since it’s workplace centered show. And he’s free & looking for a job & he has loved working there & has been for 5 years, but he doesn’t want his old job back as a coder. This would allow them to deal with this the best. Without casting anyone new, and having the main cast all together in scenes, while also creating new dynamics... Because Joan is the new CEO (cause DMD is gonna be away for 6-19 months, so Joan is possibly not gonna be around as much for a while... a storyline written because of the actresses LG’s filming schedule conflict). So it’s either gonna be that Zoey takes Joan’s job (and Max Zoey’s job) or Max takes Joan’s job (and Zoey remains in hers...cause she has too manhy things to deal with currently to handle the responsibility of Joan’s job)

Or as an alternate option: Max does continue on his own path, and part of his character development (and part of more backstory for him, and his growth) will be his new career path. And I hope it won’t be on the 6th floor/at some other SrpkPoint team, but that he’d go on and start his own business or something. That’d be interesting, and source for many storylines. 

Two: Abigail returning from Africa & getting that internshop at Sprk Point. Tobin + Abigail (since KT has said he wants Tobin to fall in love) -- I really want to see Abigail again. and they did set up the possibility of that in S1. Also... this would allow Howie to return, too (as her dad now, not as Mitch caregiver)

Three: Max & Mo friendship. More of that. Team M&M being there for Zoey...at this time of grieving. The only two people who know about her superpower (the only two she’s told...cause the MRI technician might be “on the know” too? The third person who knew is not physically there anymore) 

Four: Max’s new look: beard (and locks). See: Skylar Astin’s social media posts during quarantine for the visual of the look. I mean... if we already had Tobin, David & Simon... all have a beard or a shadow of a beard...in the shows Pilot, then how/why would they (read: the network/studio) not allow Max to have one? The network made the actor shave for the show/S1, but... times they are changing. And the new look would fit... perfectly into the storyline. I mean.. Max is unemplyed for now, staying at home (not going to the offfice, so no “reason” to shave). Plus he said it himself... he’s looking forward to trying new things..etc. So it would make sense storyline wise, too. 

Five: Max & Tobin friendship - exploring more of this. It’s one of the dynamics we haven’t seen much in S1. But both Tobin 2.0 & Max 2.0 are extra great, and they’d work well together. 

Six: Tobin’s squirrel! Can he bring his pet squirrel to work again, please? 

Seven: More Team SparkPoint! More scenes, more songs for, more interactions with, more backstory of other member of the Team (Tobin, Leif, and everyone else) I really need there to be more song for Tobin/Kapil. 

Eight: The Max & Zoey office pool: Tobin being in charge of the bet “when will they get together”. Since everyone knows that Max has had a crush on Zoey for the longest time, and they’ve seen her sing “I’m Yours” to him (and probably more)... it’s time for this storyline. Because there is definitely some betting been going on about Zoey/Max, and if/when they will be together. 

Nine: More backstory to all (side) characters: The Clarke’s (Maggie, Zoey, David, Emily), Mo, Tobin, Leif, Joan, Max... How/When they started to work at Sprk Point. Their family. Their “outside work” life. Their personal experiences with grief (Zoey & Simon may be the only ones who have lost their dads, but Joan is defintely not the only person Zoey knows who has lost someone close... and she/we are just not aware ogf it yet)

Ten: Max & Simon: Both men agreeing to take a step back & take themselves out of the competition in Zoey’s mind, letting her have her alone time & family time after the funeral. Zoey taking time to think, and reflect...on things. And then sitting down to talk with both men (either all three together, or with each separately), and telling them everything/the truth. Telling Max about her connection with Simon and what happened on her “anger phase day”. Telling Simon about her connection and history with her best friend, Max and what happened on the day when the bad moon rose. And then either choosing one of them...or...if they are all open to it...then they could all be in a poly relationship... In other words: honesty from all. And no love triangle, cause that doesn’t work or fit anymore after S1. ETA [Dec 11th]: Oh, well...we all knew this wish of mine wasn’t fully gonna come true in early S2. The “triangle” is still there & both continue with their “heart songs” apparently, but we got a bonus out of it all: the two men are “best buddies” now. That’s something at least...

Eleven: Exploring the Max & Zoey relationship (co-workers, friends, romantic couple) through the eyes of others/people around them: We’ve seen Simon, who was an outsider & didn’t know them much, notice the connection between Max & Zoey. We’ve seen him say that he’s noticed how close the two are, and it’s also noticable when they are spending less time together. He’s even asked if the two are/have been a couple. So... he’s been aware that there is more to Max & Zoey than she has told him. Cause she keeps telling him they’re just friends & he has no reason to be jealous..etc... when he can see/sense that there is/was more... (and it’s possible that had she been honest with him from the start, he’d not “come between the two”...though IDK). How others see them. 

Twelve: Zoey admitting to herself that she hasn’t been fair with the two men in her life. Telling both the truth. Being open about her real feelings..for each. Zoey being more open with her own feleings, not running away from deep emotions. Not being scared of “what if-s”. Taking her own advice...to not keep it all (the grief) inside her, and instead talk about it...with loved ones. Dealing with it. And looking at things from a new, different perspective. Going after her joy... and realizing it’s not as far as she thinks. Realizing that she can live and love again after her dad is gone. Zoey admitting to herself that she formed an emotional grief bond with Simon only/mainly/mostly because she had a crush on him and wanted him for his body. That that was her motivation. Cause that was why she was so eager to help him, and why she continued her emotional affair with him. 

THIS IS WHAT HAS TO HAPPEN...FOR ME TO “LIKE” THE MAIN CHARACTER. Until she claims it’s all due to the powers or grief & won’t accept it’s her own choices & doing, I’m not gonna be able to fully enjoy the storylines. She may be grieving, she may be “stressed out” due to the power and she may have a “hot mess” personality in general, but since for me none of it is logical & I see her behaviours and all as irrational & controversial, I can’t “get” the character. To me her behaviour and all don't match up (and s much as I try convincing myself it’s cause of grief or powers or...) I cannot convince myself that those explain it. Hence she seems “OOC” to me... back & forth, all depending too much on the seasons set up (things happen in premiere, for sweeps, for finale... cause there have to be twists then, so even if they don’t add up or aren’t logical, they happen...) 

As Maggie put it, when Zoey lashed out on Howie: “We do not talk to people like that.” AND as Mo out it “don’t blame it on the power, this one’s all on you”. Meaning... she cannot claim that all of it is due to her grief or powers. And  personally need her to stop being in denial & claiming it’s “due to grief/powers”, when its been made clear she’s aware she is actually just trying to stay in denial.... 

Thirteen: Zoey + therapy & Simon + therapy: both taking time to properly grieve, and heal. And acknowledge their mistakes: Simon (emotionally) cheating on Jessica (he may not be a bad person, but he did a “bad thing”). Zoey leading both men along and being dishonest.

Fourteen: Maggie going back to work, continuing her landscape/floral business...without Mitch. But shell need someone to help her. The perfect candidate would be Autumn. She loves all things nature! Also...any excuse to have her (Stephanie) back. 

Fifteen: Paul (the family friend, who we saw in 1x06 & 1x12) being back. He’s the most likely candidate for a possibly romantic storyline for Maggie. IF they decide to write one. (and we all know TV shows like to write all that)

Sixteen: Mitch still being there... even if he’s not. In their dreams. In flashbacks. In Zoey-ality...singing to her. Any excuse to have Micth (Peter) back...as much as possible. And the “Mitch effect”: how he’s shaped everyone (Maggie, Zoey, David, Emily, Max...) who knew him... his “ideas” living on through them. Big Moments... 

Seventeen: Baby Mitch [cause, let’s be real, David & Emily are gonna name their baby boy after his grandpa...in some way or form)! David & Emily as parents. David as a father... even if he’s had doubts about himself as a dad [the whole “I dont think I’m manly enough” plot they did] 

Eighteen: Aunt Zoey -- Zoey as an aunt to “baby Mitch”. David & Emily asking Zoey & Max to be the babies godparents (they would...cause he’s like a family, and they have no idea about any of the triangle drama...probably). Zoey babysitting baby Mitch. Zoey & Max babysitting baby Mitch. Cause let’s face it - they would  not let Zoey do it alone - she’d be too anxious/nervous... #classictrope

Nineteen: Throwbacks to: The day that Max & Zoey met..5 years ago..a the company orientation day, and to other big moments in their friendship (how the movie nights started...). Leif’s first day...which was 7 years ago... sao hes been there longer. The day Max met Zoeys family, and seeing many of the moments they had together (any excuse to have Micth/Peter back) - the holidays, the summer barbeques...  and how everyone knew about Maxs feelings for Zoey. 

Twenty: More Zoey/Mo friendship. And more about her other neighours. Maybe her shy downstairs neighbour is ready for that moonwatching adventure on the roof? Speaking of which...can we get some astronomy/math storylines (backstory and expansion of Zoey’s interests - how it started, what she’s doing now...)

Twenty-One:  More singing & dancing...in whatever form. In Zoey’ality/Zoeys head, in dreams, in the form of karaoke or flash mobs. And one thing’s for sure... we need Zoey to SING...for real...to Max..once she’s made up her mind and chooses him. Whether it’s a flash mob, or karaoke..or just... “serenading” him... but she is her fathers daughter, and to parallel Max’s flash mob love confession & honouring her dad’s love for big moments, bigger memories...her “confession” should also be in the form of song...and dance.

Twenty-Two:  More people finding out about the power...though I don’t really see her “trusting” this secret to anyone but the people she already has told. Except for, maybe, her mom. It could help her if she’d know that Mitch communicated with her/them in a way...during his last months. And maybe she’d tell Joan. But... I actually do not see her telling Simon... even if they do make her choose him for now...cause she’ll make bad choices due to being a grieving mess. And unlike with her best friend, where she can request any feelings/heart song..or none at all... I don’t see her doing the same with her office crush, so any possible make out session will be ruined...as now it seems he is emotionally available, and “likes her back”, so he’s about to sing to her...during such moments. Yet...if they do get closer and she doesn’t tell him... that alone will drive them apart..the secret(s). And yet...if she will tell him...then I do not see a scenario where he will be okay with it, and as chill as Mo, or even as mildly chill as Max was. Because his entire belief in them is based on his belief that she has this natural connection with him...when in fact she’s using a CHIRP style device that helps her read his mind/heart. And unlike others, I do not see the possibility of him being chill or OK with her power, and her not telling him.

Twenty-Three:  CHIRP vs ZOEYALITY...the parallels between the superpower & the new tech/gadget

Written: over summer 2020 & updated with a few ETAs: Dec 11th, 2020

[residentanchor]

So where do u stand on the racist drama with Cat

EDIT: It’s the next day and I’ve read through what happened and realized I did miss a lot and something big did happen. I want to be transparent and it seems kind of sketchy to delete this post even though my feelings have changed on the matter. My follow up post is here. Gonna be honest, I got this ask and had zero idea what you were talking about. I’ve been working so much lately I’ve barely talked to Cat much the past two weeks. (Just checked--I haven’t even messaged her the past week at all) So, I looked and saw everything that apparently went down today and I’m just gonna answer this as short and sweet as I can so I can sleep and not think about it all night. It was just a quick glance so I’m sure I’m missing a LOT but from what I can see, there’s been an apology so I know I probably don’t have to answer this probably. 

Also, this is more my conscious stream of thoughts and not something thought out, so I do apologize if it comes off rude or anything. I don’t mean it but I’m tired from work. :) Also, if you expect me to write off Cat and stop being friends with her? Unless I missed something big, not gonna happen. She’s learned her lesson after this I’m sure. And I’ll make sure it stays that way. (Though I’m 1000% sure I don’t have to, but still)

From what I glanced at, it’s about her Despicable Dee story. Honestly, not a big fan of found family aus so I don’t really remember much about the story itself. It’s been a while, but I do remember a little bit. I know a lot of people are angry and I can understand why when reading their points. But that’s just the catalyst for what I need to talk about.

But I will answer your question with this--I don’t really stand anywhere. There are no sides to this. Cat is a dear friend of mine, absolutely. I cherish our friendship. But if she made a mistake, she can be criticized for it. She can be called out and held responsible for it, absolutely. We’re all human, we all make mistakes and we’re all learning to better ourselves. We are all responsible for our own actions. In this instance, POC fanders saw a problem and tried to stop it. Again. (For which I’m sorry you guys have to keep doing this.) It wasn’t until more recently that we could all feel comfortable TALKING about these things white people don’t realize are extremely harmful without fear of backlash. (Which I know that fear is still there for a lot of people)

Now, I’ve only skimmed over things, but I can pretty much fill in the blanks. In an attempt to be inclusive, she made mistakes and made characters in racist/stereotypical situations. The end goal was for a happy ending for these characters, but that doesn’t matter. Good intentions or not, people were hurt by this portrayal. However, Cat’s a teacher. She is open to learning. She cares about this fandom. That’s why she creates free art for it be it in writing or drawing. So all we can do is hope she takes what she’s learned and uses it for the future to better herself. (Which I’m sure this is something she’ll never forget) That said, I saw points were made to her and a discussion was had and she has recognized her wrongdoing and apologized. 

The problem is that I don’t feel like I can really add much. I’m also a privileged white person in ways I probably don’t realize. I’ve spent a lot of time sitting back and listening to the POC fanders these last few months and the biggest thing I’ve learned is that if they are speaking up, listen and use your voice to make theirs louder. So, if they say something/someone was being racist or problematic, then all I can do is listen and learn. THAT is the only reason I’m answering this ask. 

So, what does this mean for me? Not much, since none of this was about me. (Did you send this ask to any POC fanders I wonder? Their opinion matters 10000x more than mine so...) I know I was probably only asked because Cat and I are friends. And despite this, we still are friends. I know she’ll turn to her POC friends more for things in the future to make sure she’s taking the right steps to prevent this from happening again. I’m sorry if that’s not what you wanted to hear. If you don’t like someone, block them and move on.  I don’t think I have much else to add to this. I don’t really know why I was asked this in the first place, I don’t know what you wanted to hear from me. Hate will get us nowhere. So being kind and helping people recognize their mistakes and help them improve seems like the best option in this situation. And yes, I know I’m saying ‘mistakes’ but I don’t take this lightly. Trust me on that.

I love Cat and I love you guys for being strong enough to stand up for yourselves. If someone (myself included) does something harmful like this, please try reaching out (preferably in private first) and trying to explain what they’re doing is wrong and why. Help others understand and improve. Shouting it into someone’s ask box with no explanation or context is just going to make them go defensive and start drama. You don’t want them to have to feel like they need to defend themselves, you want them to sit back and listen and learn. (this is not me defending anything) Because we all do need to learn from POC still as we move forward. We have hundreds of years of ingrained racism and prejudice and privilege that we need to sort through and fix and it won’t happen over a few years. 

IDK I’m half asleep at this point. I made my case, I explained how I feel (which is bad, everyone both wins and loses in these situations) but all we can do is hope for better in the future. I’m sorry this is how some of you spent your day and if anyone wants to talk or has any words to say, my ask box is open. I’ll happily listen. (My discord is also open if you want to have a longer/more private conversation) Thank you to those who spoke out about this and reminded us to check our privilege and that we should be listening to POC when they say things. 

tldr; It was racist and she has apologized with promise to improve. IDK what you want me to say about all this other than ‘it sucks, I’m sorry it happened, I hope we can learn from this and better ourselves’.

[creepypocky]

Hello! How are you? I was wondering if I could get a romantic matchup and a friend matchup. If not then feel free to ignore this!

I use all pronouns and I’m omni with a preference for men.

I’m 5’0, pale, have long, curly dark brown hair, brown eyes, glasses (though I’ve been wanting contacts for awhile), and a bit of acne (one of my core insecurities).

My style is mostly vintage streetwear. Lots of graphic t-shirts, sweaters, hoodies, and loose jeans. Every once in awhile, I add in some elements of dark academia and cottagecore. I wear lesbian earrings a lot too.

My hobbies are, listening to music, reading (mostly fantasy and historical fiction), karate, singing, playing video games, and instruments (I play the violin, saxophone, and keyboard).

One of my biggest interests is history. I like learning about all types of history and different periods of time but my overall favorite thing to learn about are revolutions, like the American revolution, French, and Russian.

My biggest goal in life is to make my family proud. My childhood wasn’t exactly the easiest, to say the least, and I just want to prove that it won’t keep me down from achieving great things. I hope that makes sense. Anyways..

My favorite kind of person is someone who’s patient and outgoing. I rant a lot about things I’m passionate about, like history for example. My favorite kind of person is someone who well just listen and not just straight up ignore me when ranting about something. I like someone is is outgoing too since I’m the opposite, and need someone to push me out my comfort zone every now and then.

The kind of person I hate is someone who is self-centered, judgmental, and dishonest. Not much to say here since I think it’s pretty self explanatory. This kind of person is just not good to be around.

Things I like are: rainy weather, nature, books, animals, music, picnics, stargazing, libraries, and coffee shops.

Things I dislike: hot weather, insects, seafood, my indecisiveness, loud noises, crowded places, and arguing.

My sun sign is pisces, rising is libra, and my moon is scorpio.

I’m 100% an introvert. I like being around friends and family but I like my alone time more. When I’m with people people for a bit too long, I start to feel drained.

First impressions.. I’m not good at them. When meeting someone, I’m very shy and quiet. They have to be the one to lead the conversation and when they ask questions, I 9 times out of 10 will respond in short answers. I also stutter and fidget a lot.

When I’m with people I know and trust, I’m loud, energetic, and like to make a couple jokes here and there. I only make jokes every now and then since I’m scared they won’t laugh. But when they do, I feel really proud of myself for making them laugh.

Okay, I think that’s about it. I’m sorry that this is long, I got a bit carried away. I hope this all makes sense. Thank you so much! Take care and have a great day/night! :)

Hi hi! Thank you for sending me this. :) I don't mind at all that it's long, in fact, the longer it is the better. This allows me to match you in more detail.

I am well, thank you for asking hon. <3

It was difficult for me to figure out who to match you with, but-

Romantic:

|| I match you with: Homicidal Liu! || (I won’t include Sully because I’m not sure how to include him into this, but in the future I will practice writing that!)

This is exciting, I've never matched anyone with him before, but I'm going to make it work.

First of all, he lovesss your hair and how curly it is he just wants to run his hands through it.

Maybe sniff it too idk...

He thinks everything about you is cute even your acne so you shouldn’t feel insecure about it, he loves you regardless!

He loves to chill with you and hang out with a book, he’ll buy all the fantasy books you want tbh and will love to point out interesting stuff he finds in them. I honestly canon Liu as a bit of a nerd. Lmfaoo

Bro, you like karate?? Watch this guy study karate as much as possible just for you. Maybe even learn it for you, hell, if not knowing some himself already. Let this hot nerd hear you sing for hours it will brighten his day up, honey. Please teach him how to play instruments, he has a hard time learning them even though he’s so interested. Regardless though, he loves to listen to you play and will even ask you to write songs if you’re up for it.

Liu was great in school which means he knows a lottttt about history since he was interested in it too and always studied history, so he could just talk to you on and on about history all day and you both could even learn from each other.

He totally gets wanting to make your family proud as a goal, he also had a very rough childhood due to his abusive dad and growing up with Jeff who was mentally ill at a young age, all he ever wanted to really do was show his family he could be someone better than that. So he completely supports you.

He is most definitely patient and outgoing. He will always let you take your time on things and would never pressure you into doing something, as long as you treat him with that same respect. He’s a really good listener, hence doing really well in school, so he’s willing to just listen to you rant on and on about things. He wants you to feel like you can talk to him about anything as long as you want to, and if you don’t he’ll respect your space. He’s pretty extroverted so he’ll try to help you get along with others more and make more friends.

He really hates liars and judgemental people too, he was bullied a lot by people like that in school so seeing people like that is like a reminder for him. He’s good at keeping his composure though and will simply ignore or avoid the people he encounters that are like that. If they hurt you though, he’s more than willing to put them in their place.

He is pretty indifferent about nature, he’s honestly more of an inside guy and just loves the comfort of inside despite being an extrovert. But he’ll go outside with you to look at nature if you asked him to.

He always loves to take you out and go on little coffee shop dates with you because he loves the sweet smile that comes up on your face. He’ll just sit at the table with you and a coffee and read a book with you if not just talk about random things.

He will squish all insects just for you honey.

If your indecisiveness ever gets to you, he’s willing to help you make a decision so it’ll be easier for you because he doesn’t want to see you upset. He always has an open mind and leaves options open but still gives you context on which would be best.

If you’re ever feeling drained from being around people all day he will let you have your own space and leave you alone, unless you want to spend some cuddle time with him. Otherwise he understands.

He gets being bad at first impressions because even though he’s an extrovert he can still be a bit awkward, but he’ll be willing to start conversations for you when you’re in groups or egg others on to start a conversation so that you don’t feel too nervous.

He loves seeing you loud and energetic and going out of your shell, and your occasional jokes are funny to him not always because the joke itself is funny but also because he thinks you’re a total goof. (In a good way bby) <3

Best friend:

|| I match you with: Masky! ||

Our good ol’ friend Tim here comes across as a rough guy, and is horrible at first impressions too. But to be honest, he’s actually much nicer and outgoing than people think he is.

His style is pretty much the same as yours kinda so the two of you get along over things like matching clothes sometimes. He also thinks it’s really fun to watch you do karate if you demonstrate it to him, but will absolutely refuse if you tell him to do karate for you because he knows he will fail miserably. He does know how to play a couple instruments though and will play the guitar for you if you ask him to. Or he’ll just do it anyway because he feels like it.

He’s honestly a total history nerd too but doesn’t show it, but if you mention history around him he will just “happen” to know the answer or what you’re talking about. Eventually though he’ll come out of his shell and have a conversation with you and maybe Liu if he joins in about history and stuff.

he doesn’t know much about making a family proud, but he does know how it feels to want to meet someones expectations through hard times, especially considering his job and Slender being his boss. He’s constantly having anxiety about wanting to be good enough for him as an employee and he’s scared to death of failing him or not fulfilling his job enough. So he sort of understands your goal and will support you the best he can.

He really doesn’t seem like it at times, but he can be patient and outgoing if he really wants to be. He can have anger issues at times and has trouble communicating with people, but once the two of you get closer he’s a lot more patient with you and is usually the one to start a conversation with you if you’re unable to.

He hates dishonest people too, honestly. Mostly because he has experience with constantly being lied to and betrayed and he is so sick of it. Please never betray him, he doesn’t seem like it but he’s so fragile. ;-; He trusts you as a friend though and he knows you would never lie to him or do something to break his trust.

He doesn’t like crowded places much either, he finds them really stressful and can trigger his anxiety at times. He’s just used to being on his own and in his own space and has trouble going out of his comfort zones when there’s crowds. He totally gets feeling drained when around people for too long, he doesn’t mind being around people in general and interacting with them but he’s still a bit of an introvert and likes to just do his own thing. He loves to go in a quiet room with you and play some kind of board game with you or share books.

When you’re loud and energetic, he really enjoys being around you and you don’t drain him as much as other loud people do because he’s closer to you and just likes to see you have fun. He is the teasing type though and if you joke around he’ll pretend to not think it’s funny while trying not to crack up.

~~~

I hope this was good enough! Thank you for sending me this, it was lovely to write for. I hope you’re having a great day/night and make sure to take great care of yourself, hon! <3

[thinking-in-symbols]

Quinquennial Life Assessment

So, it’s been a few years.  When I was 19 I posted a sort of “roadmap” for the evolution of my life on this blog.  Today I thought I’d revisit that.  I want to take a look back and see what progress I’ve made, and then in a separate post I want to turn to the future, think about how my vision for it has changed, and consider how I can reincorporate these goals into that vision.

This is the list of things I wanted to get done in varying time frames.  I’ve crossed off the things I’ve done to get a sense of my progress:

1 year:

At 19, my hopes were to accomplish the following things by age 20:

- Joined, and consistently participated in, at least 2 campus organizations that suit my interests, at least 1 of which should be competitive in nature - well, I joined the ISO and KVRX, my college radio station!  Neither of those were competitive, but in retrospect I don’t really care about that :-)

- Made concrete plans to study abroad - Nope, unfortunately I never did this.  I’m not quite sure I regret that, all things considered - I traded that experience for other things.  I did make plans to spend a few months abroad of my own accord, and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for that meddling global pandemic.  But as it stands I haven’t done this.

- Learned C++ and python to proficiency - Hm.  “Proficient” is a relative term.  But I think I have a tendency to downplay my skills, so in the interest of counteracting that I’m going to count myself as “proficient” in these languages.  I think that’s fair.

- Gone on at least a several day road trip with at least 1 friend - I’ve gone on several trips with @meeshbug​, my very lovely girlfriend and best friend in the world :-)

- Decided on a concentration beyond the extremely vague umbrella of “computer science” - Unfortunately as far as my education is concerned I never really did this.  If anything my interests have *broadened* rather than becoming more focused.  More on this later...

- Made meaningful, ongoing contributions to an open-source project - You know what?  I’ve published the source of everything I’ve ever made, and I’ve gotten to the point where I can make stuff that’s not trivial.  So I’m giving myself credit for this one.

- Learned to cook enough meals to eat in most days and not get sick of my own food - I wish.  I’ve learned to cook a fair amount of stuff but I still get way too depressed and lethargic to apply that consistently.  Whether I consider myself to have achieved this honestly depends on the month.

- Learned to keep my living area clean - I’m much better at this than I was at 19, but at 19 I could barely clear a path to walk across my room.  So there’s more work to do.  More on these last two later.

- Gotten a pet - Meesh and I have a dog named Courage (after the dog of cowardly fame) and a cat named Jax!

2 years:

- Independently written a piece of software to completion and deployed it publicly - I’ve always pretty bad at actually seeing projects through to completion, but I do have a few full, independent projects under my belt at this point.  I’ve built a simple game engine, a pathtracer, plugins for games I like, and some other stuff.

- purchased and begun regularly using some basic amateur radio equipment - Ah man.  I got my license but I still haven’t gotten any equipment.  I guess I have to get on that...

- purchased and begun experimenting with some basic music recording equipment - This one I’ve done, but I haven’t done as much experimenting as I’d like.

- hosted a party - I did this for my 21st birthday and it’s one of my favorite memories!  Honestly this was probably the last time I had all my really close friends in one place.  I’m actually getting kind of emotional about that.

- done some kind of hallucinogen - I have now done this.  I definitely did get something out of it, albeit not what I expected.  This is something I actually only did pretty recently and it’s still having a pretty profound effect.  Maybe I’ll write a separate post about this.

- Gone camping with friends - Despite my best efforts, this hasn’t happened yet.  Pretty fucked up.

3 years:

- learned to play another instrument besides the piano (guitar?) - I don’t feel comfortable crossing this one off quite yet, but I went ahead and bought myself some guitar equipment and have been messing around with it lately :-) I think I’m going to have to bite the bullet and pay for lessons if I’m serious about this, which I am.

- Written and recorded a song - Damn, I can’t believe it’s been 5 years and I haven’t even done this.

- Met a group of people I can play music with - nope

- Owned a leather jacket.  I can’t believe I’ve still never even owned a leather jacket - I’ve done this and wore it frankly too much.  Kinda cringe.

- Worked as a professional software developer - Yep!  Worked as a software developer for a retail company for a couple years.  I’m actually not working as a software developer right now, though; I’m working in a sort of adjacent position.  More on this later.

- Participated in research related to my field - That’s pretty ambitious.  Not sure I’ll ever do this, unfortunately.  But we’ll see.

- Been to a film festival - Oh shit, I totally forgot about having written this.  That’s a cool idea.  I should do this, it’s not like it’s hard (well, at least in principle.  I guess covid kind of changes the situation).

- Gotten a dog - Courage is one of those, I think, although he might also be part rat.

- collected 50 records - Lol, my dumb ass really thought I was going to buy $1,000 worth of records on college money.  No, I haven’t done this, but I’m on my way there.

- Purchased a desktop computer - Well, my dad gave me his old desktop.  That’s not really a purchase but I think it counts.

5 years:

- Begun accepting freelance development gigs - haven’t gotten here yet and I’m not totally sure this is a direction I want to go in my career.  Freelancing has its own stressors as I’ve come to learn from others.  No career path is sunshine and roses and I’m trying to internalize this fact.

- Participated in a student film - Nope.  I don’t even know why I wrote this down to be honest.

- Gotten laid by solving a 5x5 Rubik’s Cube in front of a girl because surely that’s gonna have to work on someone eventually, otherwise I wasted a lot of time - These are getting weird.  Surely I didn’t really expect this to happen, right?  Well, either way I now have a long-term girlfriend, so I don’t - wait, Meesh has seen me solve a Rubik’s cube and she saw it before we started dating.  So actually I’m going to give myself credit for it.  I’m the one who makes the rules here.

- Fleshed out my political opinions - Yes, I now know everything about politics and can answer 100% of questions on political issues.  Just kidding.  But I know where I stand.

- Participated in a protest or some other kind of political event - Done!  Went to a few protests as part of the ISO, participated in lots of their events, and attended some protests with friends as well.

- Studied abroad - Nope :-/

- Learned a language other than Spanish - I took a semester of French!  But I don’t quite want to give myself credit for this one because I really would like to learn a different language to something resembling fluency.

- Run a marathon - Lmao.  I am in much worse shape now than I was when I wrote this post, and even at that time I could probably do like 7 miles if I really pushed myself.  How sad.

- Gone hiking outside of texas - This is weird because I’d literally already done this when I wrote this post.  But I’ve done it more since then, so hey!

- Been out of the country with a friend - This I had also already done.  I guess the point is to have done it without “adult supervision” or whatever.  I haven’t done this since writing this list so I guess I have to leave it uncrossed.

10 years:

- Lived with a girl for an extended period of time - Meesh 🥰

- Spent at least 6 months living on the road in an RV, preferably with a dog and a girl - God, I am so close to being able to do this.  I don’t want it to be an RV anymore - those things are expensive.  But a van?  Still pricey, but doable, especially if I’m willing to sacrifice some comfort.  This has actually been front-of-mind for a while.  I’ll let you know when I get the balls to pull the trigger.

- Started making Real Money - Well, yep, I have gotten to that point.  I do have other thoughts on this, though.  Money is weird, man.

- Lived in a long-term living space outside of Texas (i.e. not including RV time) - How long is long-term?  Three months?  If so, I’ve done this by living in Boston with Meesh for a few months after she went there for law school.  However, I anticipate staying there much longer in the near future, so I’ll wait on this crossing this one off.

- Written a book about something, idk - Not yet.  I’m halfway to the deadline on this one and I have some ideas, but ideas aren’t worth all that much, especially to me, who rarely sees them through.  We’ll see where this goes.  It’s not exactly a priority and historically I struggle to get even my priorities done.  It might make more sense to replace this with recording a concept or narrative album, for which I also have ideas that I happen to take more seriously.

- Learned to solve a 6x6 Rubik’s Cube - nope

- Gotten laid by solving a 6x6 Rubik’s Cube - nope

- Lived in an apartment where I pay all the rent - Yes!  :-))) We love independence

- Earned an advanced degree (this one’s iffy) - This hasn’t happened, and whether it will ever happen is something I’ve been thinking a lot about.  I sort of decided half-way through college that I would be totally burned out on school by the time I graduated.  But in retrospect it takes way less time to burn out on work than it does to burn out on school, and grad degrees are a different kind of thing.  So it’s worth revisiting.’

- Given a best man speech (Sam, this means you have to get married within the next 10 years.  Good luck out there.) - Holy shit, Sam, you maniac, you actually did it!  Sam got married back in 2019 and I gave his best man speech! It’s another one of my favorite memories :-) 

- Gone on a cruise with someone I’m dating - Hmm, not yet.  I’ve gone on cool trips, but none on a boat.  Maybe that’s something to aim for after the pandemic passes :-)

Retrospective:

1yr: Completed: 5/9

More than half isn’t bad!  I’m not gonna worry too much about whether I got these things done within their assigned “time-frame”.  I’m a procrastinator in my heart and I don’t see any reason to put that kind of pressure on myself.  The point is, they got done.  That’s enough for me.

The things I did best in in this category were academic things, and things to do with relationships.  I’m proud of the academic achievements, I really feel like doing them has increased my belief in myself and my sense that I’m good at the thing I’ve spent the last four years studying.  And of course, I am so happy to be in a loving, fulfilling relationship that brings so many good things into my life.  I almost feel like the things I accomplished sort of fell into my lap - of course I’m gonna do programming stuff as a programming student, and getting pets / going on road trips are things I did as a result of my relationship with Meesh.  I don’t say that to downplay the accomplishments, but I do think it’s worth noting.

The things I haven’t done are more to do with personal development, which is disappointing.  I would like to be able to say, 5 years down the road, that I’ve done the personal development I expected to do in just a single year, but maybe that’s a lot to expect.  These are problems I’ve dealt with my whole life.  I think what this means is that I can’t expect everything to fall into my lap.  Those things are going to take real concerted effort to change.  I’m not quite sure how to go about that, though.

2yrs: Completed: 4/6

Two-thirds!  Even better!

Lots of these are one-time accomplishments, not so much long-term commitments to personal development.  The good news is, I did them, and I think those resulted in some development in their own right :-)

Again, though, the things I didn’t do so well are the things that require long-term, concerted effort.  For instance, while I crossed off the one about experimenting with music, it’s really only the initial investment that I’ve really done at this point.  It remains to be seen whether I’ll be able to follow through on the commitment to actually experiment and learn.

3yrs: Completed: 4/10

This category also follows the same pattern I’ve noticed with the last two.  The other thing I’m noticing is that so, so much of my effort over the past few years has been going towards developing a very particular skill: programming / computer science.  Music and art are so important to me, but I’ve done very little real development in those areas.  I mean, I’ve done some.  But not as much as I would have hoped for half a decade.

5yrs: Completed: 4/10

This is getting a little more fun because less of my goals have to do explicitly with my degree.  I’m starting to think beyond college, which is good, because the stage of life I’m in right now requires me to start thinking about the kind of life I want to build now that I’m done with school.  Also, I’m at the deadline for this one right now!  So this is a particularly interesting category because it really shows where I thought I’d be by this time.

The goals I accomplished in this timeframe are, again, mostly things I’ve done through my relationship, but politics also feature pretty prominently on this part of the list.  I spent a lot of time reading and researching political issues during college and really did look for ways to participate.  I honestly made politics a pretty big part of my identity over the last 5 years, and I think it will stay that way forever, but I’ve gotten to the point where I think I need to devote less of my mental energy to knowing more.  I know what I need to know.  It’s time to think about other things.

10yrs: Completed: 4/11 (and counting!)

There’s some career stuff in this section that I’ve been able to do, which is good news.  I’ve always been scared about entering the working world.  All things told, it’s gone more smoothly than it could have.  But I also have lots of lingering doubts about what I want to do in the long term.  So one of the most pressing goals I should aim for is to resolve those doubts.

Ultimately, I have a lot of time left, and I’m not even done with this time frame, so I’m not gonna spend much time dissecting the things I haven’t done.  What I’ll do instead is say that while I didn’t do everything on this list, I feel proud of the things I have accomplished.  I said when I first wrote this list that it’s sometimes hard for me to feel that my life is moving in any particular direction, and I’m still feeling like that five years later, to be honest.  But looking back on these things has helped me see that I actually am making progress in my life.  Not in all the ways I want to, but that’s OK.  There’s still time.

In the next couple days I want to come back to this and reorganize this list into an updated set of goals, for the same time frames.  Maybe that will help me think through exactly what it is I want out of the next five-ten years, with the benefit of having analyzed the things that I did and didn’t do well over the previous five.

[an-avid-reader]

The Hate U Give - Angie Thomas

my rating: 5/5 stars

On the night of a party gone wrong in Garden Heights, or “the hood”, Starr and her childhood best friend, Khalil, drive away only to be stopped by a white police officer. Khalil, unarmed, gets shot right in front of Starr’s eyes. Alas, Starr’s worlds—Garden Heights and Williamson, a predominantly white prep school—collide as word of Khalil’s death spreads and she is the only witness. Will Starr be able to bring justice to Khalil via riot and protests, or will he be remembered as a drug dealer and a thug?

"Funny how it works with white kids though. It's dope to be black until it's hard to be black"

Link to Goodreads || Spoiler-free review

A few things to check out:

Dear White People (Netflix)

When They See Us (Netflix)

Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race (Book)

A list of places to donate to / one YT video if you’re unable to donate 

Here’s a post that is much more comprehensive

let me know if any of the links don’t work, I will update them :)

There’s a reason why this book has quite a few awards on the front—this book covers what some may consider a “taboo” topic aka racism, but it’s an issue. I’m writing this review slightly earlier than before I’m posting it, but right now the current news is about George Floyd’s death, which is arguably more brutal than what happened in this book, but the fact that some police officers still think race has something to do with one’s intentions is outrageous and disgusting. Even in Canada, there have been instances of racism across history (spoiler: Canada isn’t a ‘saint nation’, even though the population is very diverse). 

For these reasons, I think this book, while it is triggering, I think it should be fit into the curriculum for students to read so that they may be educated on racism, and how it can literally kill others, as well as to try and dismantle the systematic racism that is imposed on us from a young age. I can never sit here and tell you that I can experience what Starr went through (or what any POC—black or otherwise—has ever been through), I can only educate myself and emphasize with what’s been said/done to you—please call me out if I’ve said something that may be offensive and feel free to correct me if I’ve said anything wrong.

Alright now on with the book review! This book is so raw and powerful, Thomas does a great job of describing the scenes and the emotions Starr goes through during each scene. We get to see how she feels about dating a white boy while being black herself, how her neighbourhood is beautiful despite it being described as the hood, we also get to see how Starr’s demeanor completely changes while she’s at school vs when she’s visiting her family. While Thomas’ writing may be simple, she does a great job of capturing those moments and the emotions tied within the scene.

As we get to see Starr becoming a witness and taking legal action, I wasn’t sure where the story was headed. Would Khalil get justice and would the cop go to jail? How would Starr’s mental health be affected? Will her family be okay? (Don’t you just love it when there’s so much more conflict in the story that needs to be resolved and yet there are only 2 chapters left) Etc. etc. The thing about The Hate U Give is that there are multiple story lines, which help to drive the story forwards. Those plotlines didn’t feel out of place or forced—everything seemed to progress at a reasonable pace. 

I feel like one of the key parts of this story are the characters and their dynamics to the story. The most obvious being between Starr and her family. Although Starr has her own secrets that she keeps from her dad (*cough cough* Chris *cough cough*), I feel like they still have a strong bond, especially as the story went on and her dad, Maverick, stood behind Starr, even when things went south. (I could also 100% relate to Starr bickering with her brothers—even her half-brother). Then there’s Chris, which I kinda feel weird about him...which I feel like it’s a spoiler so I’ll talk about it under the cut. Overall, I’m glad that while he doesn’t understand what Starr has been through, he doesn’t judge her—he listens to her story and he also stays by Starr’s side at all times. I appreciate that Thomas didn’t put too much focus on the romance, otherwise I think it would’ve detracted from the main message. Finally, there are Starr friends. Even though we only got to know Khalil for a bit at the beginning, I like that Starr’s friendship with him was sprinkled throughout the story, even if it was in subtle ways. You could tell that, while their friendship may have fallen apart, Starr really cared for him and he was at the forefront of her mind. We also get to see Maya and Haliey’s friendship with Starr...and I can’t talk much about that without spoilers :/ let’s just say...it was interesting…

While I can’t exactly relate to Starr on an emotional/traumatic/life experience level, I love that we are both Harry Potter fans and she runs a Tumblr (which idk why but I’m always taken aback when books have Tumblrs?? Yet here we are). I appreciate that she tries to see the best in people, until they prove her wrong (or give her a reason to not like them). I think Starr is a strong role model in the sense that she stands up for herself and is determined to get justice, although she’s not cocky about it. It’s quite the opposite, she doubts herself—I just remember that there were so many parts where she blamed herself for not recalling every single detail of the incident or not putting emphasis on the type of person Khalil was to avoid him getting stereotyped. Starr also questioned her relationship with Chris, albeit she seemed a bit naive at some points. Because of Starr’s strong personality and her core values, the message of The Hate U Give is so much stronger, hence why I feel like everyone should read this novel.

Finally, I learned a lot from this novel. Regardless of the fact that this is a fictional book, it is very much based on the realities of Black people and the hardships they must endure on a daily basis. To be honest, I feel so dumb for not even realizing that the title spells out THUG and runs parallel with Tupac’s meaning of THUG LIFE. Mind you, now when I look at the cover, it’s all I see. I also didn’t realize that Black kids and teens are taught how to act around the police—all to be avoided to get arrested, shot, or killed—which is frankly, messed up. Thomas also takes the time to address the names she used, intentionally to give another layer of the book, which I feel that it is based on reality. I can definitely see why this book has received so many awards—and if this book were implemented in schools, it would allow the discussion on racism to be opened and it would also allow kids to see that not all authors are white, old men (looking at you, Shakespeare, which tbh the only good play I read was Macbeth).

I wanted to thank you for reading my review; if you’ve read this book, I’d love to know your thoughts. Below the cut, I have a spoiler section that I wanted to include (which I might add in future reviews, idk though). 

Please stay safe and healthy,

~ Cassandra / an-avid-reader

THE REMAINDER OF THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS

Okay, I’m not going to lie, but I thought that no one knew about Chris; didn’t Starr mention within the first few chapters that she can’t introduce him to her family because she’s afraid of what they’ll say/judge her for dating a white boy? But then, it turns out it’s just her dad that doesn’t know about him??? Idk if my memory is really that bad or if it’s such a slim detail (maybe it actually is an inconsistency o.O). But anyways, I love how Maverick was just playing with him (and making it clear that Chris would be in big trouble if he hurt Starr). I’m also not sure if he has a fetish for Black women (which Starr also pointed that out)—which I don’t know how to feel about that. I know some people have a thing for people of colour (Asians are commonly a fetish too, for example) but then some guys also have a thing for super short girls? Um yeah. I’ll probably leave it at that.

I’m not sure if it was just me, but I deadass thought Seven was going to be a gangbanger. He was sooooo suspicious anytime King was mentioned (which I get King is with Seven’s biological mom, but still I can’t be the only one who was suspicious, right?). I have to give him props though for putting his sisters’ needs before his own and for also listening to Iesha’s point of view. This man doesn’t give on people easily, and that’s a nice change. 

The last thing I wanted to include in this spoiler section is Haliey. I just— wtf man. She perfectly embodies the issue and idk she gave me such Karen vibes. It’s so frustrating that she just accepted the newspaper’s article story at face value—I don’t even think she even took the time to listen to the other point of view. I’m so glad that Starr punched her in the face, even though that resulted in her getting in trouble. And it’s not even towards just Starr that she was racist! When Maya opened up about Haliey’s comments, I was pretty infuriated. I think Haliey’s comments came from a place of ignorance or a lack of education, but it just bothered me that she just brushed it off. Smh “it was just a joke” or “get over it” *rolls eyes* Just apologize, Haliey, and educate yourself, please. Actually, maybe she could take lessons from Mr. Warren, their english teacher because he was lowkey a G. I was pleased to see he was a teacher (who are often seen as role models) that actually gave a crap about Starr and what she was going through. I guess we just need to be more attentive to what people have to say and be more empathetic when they’re hurt.

[thepropertylovers]

What Foreigners Really Think of The U.S. Right Now

The other night, after the kiddos went to bed, we decided to watch the second Borat movie that just came out (have you seen it?). It was insane and hilarious all at the same time, but it got me wondering: what do folks who don’t live in the U.S. think of The United States of America right now? What is their perception of us?

So I decided to pose this question on Instagram and wow. Y’all did not hold back. I want to thank everyone who submitted for your candidness and honesty, even if some of these were hard to swallow. It’s important to note that just because these are their opinions of America, it doesn’t mean it is all necessarily true. Regardless, it was interesting to read everyone’s thoughts and get an outsider’s perspective.

We received hundreds of submissions and couldn’t post them all, but below, people from all over the world share what they really think of the United States at the moment.

Leadership is out of touch with reality and messing things up real bad, not just for the U.S. but also for the world. What’s worse is that half the country is being misled successfully. It just shows poorly on the country all over. -Annonymous

Your president is a disaster when it comes to foreign politics and corona. No class, no knowledge. A joke. Very scary to watch. But half of the voters are happy with it. And that is even more scary. Very difficult to understand the hate and ignorance in your society right now. -Mikkel

It’s just weird. Everything basically. I totally understand now why the U.S. is described as '“flawed democracy” in the democracy index. It’s just a crazy system which is not providing equality among people- regarding the vote especially. This system leads to the fact of the two big parties (similar in the UK basically). But democracy is about diversity in opinions and options. Not just two. -Max

The US is more divided than ever. The two parties cannot work together nor do they appear to want to. The government is no longer run by reason, facts, and policy aiming for the betterment of the entire country and or world in the long or medium run; rather it’s instant gratification for the few who benefit from nepotism. Lies and misinformation are used to build a dictatorship hiding in the form of “patriotism”. And those who could act as a check or balance focus on their own personal gain, putting their needs above those of the persons they should be representing. -Joel

I personally don’t think there is a very good atmosphere in the USA, especially right now, Trump’s administration does not protect the American people or the economy. He only cares about himself and his male-white supremacy. The worst of all is that lots of Americans think Trump is actually a good leader (idk why, honestly). But thank God that people are starting to wake up and fight about what they believe. We can see it through BLM protests, feminist movements, and so on, and the whole world is proud about those people fighting for their rights. America was once the land of dreams, but nowadays (with all that is happening) it is even scary to go there. Lots of things have to change and those changes have to start, voting and defending your rights and your beliefs are the first step. Greetings from Spain. -Antonio

The main reasons I can think of are vote suppression/gerrymandering, expensive health care wealth inequality, racism, lack of fun control… -Brian

Definitely find the hypocrisy of the Republicans so annoying, Trump still being in office, the fact that there has been no police reform or justice for Breonna Taylor, the gun laws, and the COVID numbers just to name a few. -Brian

Here in the UK it seems like CARNAGE over there..don’t get me wrong, it’s wild here too but Trump is insane and it’s really odd seeing so many Americans supporting him. -Dan

Really worried about the fact that you might go for 4 more years with Trump and the fact that he’ll for sure contest the results if he loses. Add to this, all the racial violence and in particular the way some policemen act without being condemned by any judge. And finally the pandemic which seems to be even more out of control than in other countries. This is coming from someone who lives in France where we’re going to be under lockdown for the second time since the beginning of the pandemic (2nd lockdown starting tomorrow evening and will last at least until December 1st 😢). -Estelle

To put a long story short, let’s just hope Cheeto doesn’t get reelected otherwise our UK trade deal will be a disaster and we don’t need any more negative influences in the UK around gender and sexual equality.-Christian

I think with this administration, the US has demonstrated how to shipwreck a whole nation economically, ideologically, socially, and politically within a really short period of time. After just 4 years, we’ve come to associate the US with widespread narrow-mindedness, a lack of respect and courtesy to other nations (and minorities in its own country for that matter), short sightedness when it comes to global phenomena like environmentalism or migration patterns, and a celebration (by some at least) of almost barbaric notions of violence, oppression, and backward thinking, all under the camouflage of its constitution and socio-historic heritage. We’ve really admired the Obama administration over here in Europe, which-despite its flaws and shortcomings- has opened up the US to international partnerships and has established an ongoing discourse shaped by mutual respect and politeness…the contrast couldn’t be more pronounced these day…-Sebastian

I look at our Prime Minister and government and then see Trump and think we really could have it so much worse! Vote!! -Ant

As an American living in London, I can tell you that the news coverage here makes the US look like an absolute joke. Mainly due to 45, his lies, his bigotry, and his insane desire to make covid seem as though it’s a falsehood “created by the left” while hundreds of thousands of Americans have ben victimized by this pandemic. What was once seen as a country of opportunity and freedom, is sadly no longer held to that level of greatness in comparison to its neighboring countries. It saddens me because I had plans to move back home within the next year or so, but if the US continues on its path, I can see myself in London for the unforeseeable future. I can’t live in a country where I am seen or believed to be lesser than another because of my sexual preference. I can only hope and pray that this election brings the change we need to be that country of greatness once again. -Rob

Very poor to be honest. And I’m not necessarily [talking about Trump]- I think the immediate reaction is to blame him. Though, he is pretty awful. There was obviously a huge level of social and other problems in the US, and the current administration has exploited them to the breaking point. Whereas more “skilled” past administrations had the ability to leverage those issues for their benefit, but not let it boil over. I actually thought Trump would be a positive for the US and world- in that his incompetence would force other world leaders to step up. Meaning more equity in how disputes etc. are assessed and the US wouldn’t bully smaller nations. I think the US has hit the point in its journey with capitalism that the USSR hit with socialism in the late 80’s that led to its collapse. Does that mean collapse for the US, I don’t know but the system isn’t providing equity and equality for all as it stands. -Paul

Worried but also hopeful for you guys because I don’t think all citizens in America reflect the current administration. It’s been really great to see people voting early and making their voice heard. No matter what happens just know you did what you could in this moment in time. Even though the current administration provides a scary outlook for the future. As long as the current and future generations lead with love, there will hopefully be a brighter future. Love from Canada. -Ajetha

I've been subscribing to all of the US News since the Black Lives Matter Movement commenced and honestly, it made me scared as a Filipino Asian to step foot in the States ever since. I have big dreams of flying over there and probably working there as an immigrant after I finished college. However, when I found out about the racial injustice that is currently ongoing in the country, I became hesistant of still wanting to live there. Although, I'm positive that there are still people like you two that will be open about working immigrants, I really hope that racism, sexism, homophobia and transphobia will end for good among every human beings in the US and also around the world. I do wish and pray that the 2020 US election will make certain amends to the current situation y'all are experiencing because it's getting pretty scary out there. -Harvey I’m an American living overseas working for the US government. I’m trying my hardest to stay overseas so my family and I don’t have to come back to the mess that is the US right now. From politics to COVID, it’s not a good time. While the virus may be surging again in Europe, at least the people comply with the government rules. Sometimes I believe Americans take freedom and liberty a bit too far, especially when it comes to the greater good. -Anonymous

Allthough on social policy the US is no real example for us (I think there is more social ‘security’, more justice, high standards in education for all in most of the EU countries), they always have been a ‘safe haven’ in big international politics. It now feels like ‘they have our back’ doesn’t imply anymore. -Jasper

Well personally I think the country seems in total disarray, instead of focusing on the real issues in the streets both house of the capitol are focused on bashing each other during the election campaign which is a circus due to the sitting POTUS. The obsession with the right to bare arms and the gun culture bewilders most other countries, you have teenagers walking into schools with Assault weapons and yet people still want guns to be available, worst still you ban one type of assault rifle but another just as powerful is kept on sale, it’s plain weird. -Philip

Neither candidate represents their party well. As an outsider looking in, it just baffles me that either of these men could potentially be the leader of the free world...It genuinely feels like worrying times are ahead for the US. -Marc I'm from India and living in Germany at the moment. The race problem in the US is as bad as the class/caste problem in India. Even if I don't have money I can go to a government health center in India. I just had an operation and stayed at the hospital for 18 days here in Germany, I had to pay only 180 Euros, everything else ( the operation and the many tests and scans that followed) was covered by the insurance. When my friends at the US heard about it they were shocked about low the hospital bill. There are really great labs (I'm a researcher) that I would like to work but I have no intentions of working/living in the US for a longer period of time. -Maithy

I think the US has become a joke to the rest of the developed world. Neither candidates running for president are fit to run such a powerful country. I can't help but feel after the election if Trump wins the left will riot and if Biden wins the right will riot. The country might just rip itself apart. American politics has zero empathy and zero morals. Honestly its terrifying. -Andrew

The US has always been a bit confusing to me - the two party system, the focus on religion, the divide in income and possibilities- as well as being the beacon of light in the fight for human rights, the strong personal pride in creating caring societets, the blending of and openeses for ethnicities and cultures... But for a while politics have become not at all about politics, religious beliefs are taking charge in policy work, the wealthier part shows little companion towards the less wealthy, the public spending is way above budget year after year while health care seems to be crazy expensive and not for all. The intrusion of US interest in politics in other countries are blunt to say the least, creating conflict where human lives have no value if they’re not US lives... School shootings that seems to be acted upon as that is part of normal lives, and schools to expensive for even middle class kids to study at... This is a shift in trust and soft power that affects all of us. -Olof

To be honest, I couldn’t come to the US right now, it scares me. The leadership, the gun laws, the violence and the divide of the nation. It sucks, because I love America and have been there 7 times in the last two years from Australia for work... but not anymore. I’m not coming back now until peace wins. -Anonymous

The fact that such a hate filled government is presiding over what is one the greatest countries in the world is scary. And it is seriously mind blowing that out of such a powerful country filled with some of the greatest minds in the world it’s these two men are the best you can do to be your next president. Unbelievable. Seriously unbelievable. -Rachel

I think the orange dude in office is making you guys look bad. But also, good (?). Seeing the black lives matter movement and so many of you stand up to the problems your country faces has been inspiring. One thing our countries have in common is how we are divided into very distinctive opposites sides. I mean, where do all these racists, bigots, utterly, madly conservites people came from? I few like a few years ago things did not seem so much as a boiling pan about to explode. Or maybe they were all hiding and when a lunatic like them rose to power (how that happened still boggles my mind) they all showed their true colors. It’s scary. I hope Trump doesn’t get reelected. Brazilians loooove to imitate americans🙄, so if he gets reelected it makes that much probable that our lunatic will also be in office for four more years. P.S. have you guys watched the show Years and Years from HBO? A really good watch is this election times! ☺️ -Taty

Re. The US atm. Unfortunately your president has made your country a laughing stock around the world and he's destroyed relationships with allies. It's gonna take time to rebuild all of that. He's also moved an entire branch of your government to the far right, even though the majority of the country if left/centr of left. So you've a supreme court that doesn't represent you and it's looking like they're going to try and take away rights from people. You have a healthcare system that doesn't look out for its people and there's this bizarre fear of universal healthcare that seems insane to every other 1st world country. If if Biden wins (and I really hope he does for everyone's sake), there's going to be a lot of work in undoing the damage Trump has done before he can even get into what he wants to do. All the while you've an ultra conservative highest court. There's also the massive political division and the systemic racism. It's a lot. It's not impossible, but it's going to take so much time and people who want it to change. -Ciara

I’ve been sitting here for an hour thinking about your question and there are many different outlooks I could raise so I’ll keep it generic. I’ll start with the elephant in the room known as Covid. Each day, our morning news informs us of what your leaders are doing and daily case numbers in the US. We sit here completely shocked at how your government has let it reach this point. You may have heard that Melbourne has just come out of one of the strictest and longest lock downs in the world. I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone to have to do, but I will say, I feel much more comfortable to be able to go to the shops knowing the numbers are at about 2-3 a day instead of in the thousands. I do think that your government does need to address this now, could even be making it compulsory mask wearing. It’s hard for me to comment about your economy as we don’t here much about it, but I will say Trump ‘says’ make America great again, let’s get more jobs, they are pro life, yet how is someone who is prolife not doing anything to stop a virus that is killing people? Isn’t your unemployment rate worse (pre-covid) than what it was when Obama was president? I think as a generic outlook, if change isn’t made in the election, the outlook from a Australian does not look like it would be something you’d want to be apart of. I love America. Have visited a couple of times, even thought about moving there, but at the moment, I’ve never been more thankful to not be there. -Ben

[ymiwritesstuff]

Return

Oki once again I suddenly got an idea that I wanted to post asap so apologies if this feels idk rushed? But anyways I hope you enjoy!

Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure Part 7: Steel Ball Run

Gyro Zeppeli x Fem!Reader

Summary: Ever since Gyro sailed all the way to America in order to take part in the Steel Ball Run race, you had been eagerly waiting for his return.

Notes: Angst, SPOILERS FOR PART 7

Gyro’s emerald green eyes lit up and his lips curl into a wide grin that shows his golden teeth when his gaze falls on the envelope in his hands. With an excited chuckle his drops everything he was just about to do and sits down on his sleeping bag. Johnny glances at his friend a smile of his own apparent on his features as he has a pretty good guess about the contents of that envelope.

“Another one?” The blond asks, laying on his sleeping bag with his head leaning against his hand. The scene before him was nothing new as Gyro had received letters like this one many times in the past and judging by the Italian’s expression, he had been waiting a long time for this one. 

“Yep.” He says as he opens the envelope, carefully enough so he doesn’t tear apart the letter itself, but swiftly so he can begin reading the contents of it. He had been waiting for so long to receive a response to his previous letter and the excitement bubbling inside is so intense it feels like it’s about to burst out. He can’t help it though. This letter had been delivered to him all the way from his home country and once he got the envelope open, Gyro wasted no time in reading it:

Ciao, Handsome!

How’s the race been treating you?

Upon reading the first lines of text Gyro’s smile only grows when he notices the familiar cursive handwriting of his lover he had seen so many times throughout Steel Ball Run. He missed you so much and wished he could see you in person but for now had to rely on this distant form of communication. He didn’t complain, though as frankly any contact with you was enough.

Good, I hope, you know how worried I get. I can’t help it! I love you after all.. When I read your last letter and you wrote about all that crazy shit you’ve been through I.. I couldn’t help but to feel a bit worried. I know what you’re going to say, “I promised to come back after I win this race, cara. And I won’t break that promise”.

He lets out a quiet chuckle upon reading your words. You knew him so well. The letters you sent him made him feel that familiar warmth he felt whenever he had been in your presence before his admittedly painful departure. He remembers you shedding painful tears as you watched his ship slowly move closer to the horizon. As much as he hated seeing you sad, he knew he had to do something in order to save the innocent boy’s life. However he didn’t leave before promising to return home as soon as he grasped victory.

I laughed just now, you know. And it only made me miss your laugh. I miss you so much, Gyro. I think of you every day and I can’t wait for you to come back. Honestly, a part of me wants to hop on a ship and sail to America just so I can see you again. But based on the things you’ve told me.. Perhaps it would be better for me to just stay here and try to wait for you patiently. I just want you to be safe. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you.

Gyro frowns his brows as his eyes scan the text before him, his fingers lightly brushing over it. He had told you about the bizarre events he experienced during the race quite openly, but a part of him wonders if it was alright to bring you so much worry with the dangerous tales. On the other hand, he had promised to always be honest with you and thought it best not to sugarcoat any of the events that occurred. Gyro was sure you respected his honesty, but it still, he couldn’t help but to question it.

But I believe in you. I know you will return with the prize money in your hands and the joy of victory by your side. I will cheer you on, even from the other side of the world. You will prevail, I am certain of it. I just can’t allow myself to forget that so easily. I know it’s dangerous and I know anything could happen, but I have faith in you, Gyro. I love you so much and I can’t wait to hold you in my arms again. Please, take care of yourself and stay safe. I’ll be waiting for you, Gyro.

Love,

(Name).

Gyro smiles to himself, your letter being able to awaken so many emotions inside of him. At this point they didn’t feel like mere letters anymore. Whenever he read them, he could hear your voice and feel your emotions, which was why he had saved every single letter he had received from you. They were like pieces of a puzzle that would combine into something bigger when all of this was over. They were memories that both of you shared and cherished. With each passing day he would think about you. Your stunning smile, your beautiful (E/C) orbs that put the stars to shame and those soft (H/C) locks he had so often ran his fingers through. He missed having you next to him, but knew that this grueling time away from you would all be worth it, because when he finally returned he’d get to pull you into an embrace he had been yearning for so long.

With a sigh, Gyro folds the letter and immediately begins to write a response on a piece of paper. There was always some delay with the delivery due to the great distance between you two so Gyro made sure to always begin writing as soon as possible. Johnny looks at his friend and smiles to himself. Gyro was often stressed and tense due to everything that had been going on, but would show signs of relief and happiness whenever he wrote his letters or read one of yours. It always managed to put a smile on the blond jockey’s face. Gyro was madly in love with you, and that love would carry him through whatever the race dared to throw at him.

~

When your hands touch the fresh paper of the envelope, you immediately sit down and begin to open it. It had been a good month of sending letters back and forth just like usual and Gyro was sure that it would all be over soon. Things had gotten quite a bit hectic and to quote the Italian’s own words; “It’s a shitstorm over here, but we’ll get through it.” Reading his letters in which he told you about all that was going on was like reading a story, a very dangerous, bizarre story. But it helped you to feel connected to him in a way, as if you were there with him, experiencing those events.

Upon opening the envelope and unfolding the letter your brows frown at the unusually short length of the content. It was odd considering just how long his previous letters have been and a deep part of you starts feeling something akin to concern. But that feeling quickly fades away when you start reading:

Ciao, beautiful!

Listen, I’m gonna need to keep this one a bit short simply because it won’t be long before you can actually hear my words instead of having to read them. Yep, you read right, cara. Everything is going to be over soon. The President has gotten a bit out of control with the corpse but me and Johnny are gonna take him down! Soon it will all be over and I can finally come home to you and hold you tight.

You smile at the text, relieved to hear that everything was well. Gyro had mentioned the President’s plans and initially it did hit you with a wave of concern and worry but with his letters came a reassuring wave of relief as according to his words, things had been turning for the better.

I know how much you worry, but I assure you, I will kick Valentine’s ass AND win the race so I can happily return home. Return to you. I miss you so much, you don’t even know, but the fact that this won’t last for long keeps me going. You keep me going, (Name). I can’t wait to hold you, kiss you, hug you.. I can’t wait to see you, cara.

Your reading gets interrupted when a single tear you didn’t even notice drops on the paper. The words stick onto you like glue and caused a storm of strong emotions to erupt within you. Dammit, Gyro! How dare he make you cry?! You giggle to yourself and quickly wipe your tears and continue reading:

And perhaps.. We can discuss the future. Because I want it to be with you, (Name). A future with you sounds like heaven and I really hope you feel the same way. Well, we will have time to discuss this when I return. But, feel free to consider it! If you ask me, a little Zeppeli running around would make me the happiest man in the world! But yeah, we’ll have time for that. Take care, my love and until we see each other again, 

ti amo.

Gyro

The amount of tears rolling down your cheeks only increases after you finish reading his letter. Those tender, loving words he used were so rare, but they managed to cling to you and you wished nothing more than to feel the man himself next to you. The thought of having a family together with Gyro filled you with so much joy and warmth it felt like torture not having him here to make that dream a reality. Not yet, at least.

Soon, your long wait would be rewarded. Because once this would all be over, you could finally live with the man you loved so dearly. His voice, his eyes oh, how you missed them all and you could hardly wait any longer. Patience was key here. He would return, just as he promised and you’d never have to be without him ever again. 

And he did return. But not in the way you were hoping. And when your (E/C) eyes that were filled with joyous tears, meant to express your happiness in finally seeing Gyro after so long land on that wooden box that Johnny was dragging behind him with a dark, sorrow-filled look dulling his blue eyes, those tears froze for a split second, only to be filled with devastation.

He promised. And he didn’t break his promise. But he broke you. Because upon his return, he didn’t hold you, kiss you, hug you, instead, you were met with a lifeless corpse that once belonged to the man you loved. Your entire world crumbled, it felt as if your soul had been dragged out of your body with him. This couldn’t be happening. But the sight before you didn’t lie. And no matter how much you cried, wailed, sobbed or screamed, deep down you knew, Gyro never returned. 

And the last memory you had of him, was a letter that painfully reminded you of a dream that never became a reality.

[mxnark]

ball of fire n. a dynamic person capable of or displaying rapid and highly effective thought, action, etc.:

(aka the moving out solo)

it’s obvious that the past month hadn’t been the kang household’s favorite due to recent events involving the daughter. a drift had been caused by the fact that mina was essentially going against her mother’s wishes for her. rather than doing what her mother thought was best for her in order to live a happy life, she instead followed her heart- wait that’s too cheesy- her gut by signing a contract and going home in hours so late that she is the only one making a peep in the house as she quietly walks to her room.

though she didn’t get to see her mother for most of her days, she couldn’t deny her presence in the house. she was sure her mother couldn’t deny her own daughter’s, either. she feels as if her mother had a cloud of disappoint in her head over the fact that mina isn’t the daughter she had hoped to be. mina’s cloud, on the other hand, was of guilt over the whole situation. and her usual bright, fiery personality is dimmed by the late hour when she opens the door to her home.

there are nights where she doesn’t even go to her home at all. in the last month, she asked to stay at daniel’s after practicing for evaluations with her group. she doesn’t go in-depth with her reasons as to why, but she thinks he understands enough if he lets her stay over. and on those nights, the ache in her heart is more faint.

that’s the reason as to why she and her father are carrying things out to his car. it was going to take her to the train to her new home with chungha. somewhere closer from work. further from… here. it makes sense, anyway. with her being a new addition to the hertz project that the older was also involved in, it only strengthened her choice in wanting to move in with her. and thankfully, she said yes, despite the fact she knew how rambunctious kang mina could be. (she jokes… mostly.)

as he closes the trunk of his car, he looks over at her and asks her a question. “you wanna say bye to your mom before you go?” mina makes a face. “come on. please?”

“okay,” she says with a sigh, walking into the house to head for her mother’s room. the closed door is more intimidating than it should be for her. after all, she hasn’t… verbally spoken with her mother since everything happened.

she knocks on it, taking a few seconds before twisting the knob and peeking in to see what her mother was up to. she was faced away from the door, looking at something that mina couldn’t see from outside. she decides to go in properly to talk to her mother.

“mom,” she starts off, her voice going silent due to timidness. “i’m getting ready to move. i just wanted to let you know. dad and i already got everything in the car, so i’m good to go.”

silence in response. that’s fair, in her opinion. she thinks she deserves it, to be honest.

“i wanted to let you know before i had to go on my way,” she continued, feeling more and more embarrassed as she spoke. “and… thank you for all these years of taking care of me. i know you and dad do a lot for me and i know i act ungrateful sometimes. i guess i was just upset about moving to korea.” and about other things, but she didn’t want to anger her mother with her honest thoughts about the family. she feels as if she’s better than that.

“thank you for loving me and always looking out for me.” though it feels weird to say, considering everyone in this house knew that her mother and her certainly didn’t see eye to eye on what was best for the girl. “i know i’m not the best daughter, especially with all that’s happened. but i’m thankful for all that you’ve done for me. i’m not good at letting you know, but i love you. a lot.” she bows her head to the other to end her speech. it felt… polite, but also fitting for her to do.

she waits for a response from her mother. with the fact that she was more closer to her than she was while waiting outside her door, she was able to see more of what her mother was doing. she had a book open. and it didn’t take long for mina to figure out what she was doing before she heard her mother sniff, still not looking at mina at all while she was there.

she turns around to save herself from staying any longer. she knew that if she did, she’d only regret her decision and she didn’t want to. this was good for her. but even if so, it hurt to basically have the fact that she hurt her mother be confirmed.

a tear strolls down her cheek, but she wipes it with the back of her finger, sniffling as a way to hold herself together. after taking a deep breath and blinking her eyes rapidly to dry her eyes from spilling any more, she walks downstairs before heading outside to the car once again. she walks up to her dad and he looks at her with a small smile. she’s not sure what it means. it was either pride or sympathy.

“you ready to go?”

she nods her head.

“alright. let’s go.”

ginger is a color she’s never really thought of trying before. she was always afraid of the concept of bleaching her hair. the lightest her hair was before this was a red-tinted brown and that was because she used cheap box-dye for brown hair. but she didn’t hate the hair. in fact she loved it, as she was the one who asked for it. sure, the process of it was itchy for her scalp, but the result came out perfectly. and she feels a lot more confident.

she makes sure to post her selfies as soon as she comes home, her face all smiley after she had just seen her boyfriend. as soon as she gets on her bed, she grabs her phone to send him a few texts, the happiness still very much in her as she wishes him a good night. god, never did she think she’d be all giddy because of a boy. but she’s happy that boy is choi soobin. she’d rather it be him than anyone else.

kang mina. in a relationship. she really couldn’t get that thought out of her head.

she lies in bed on her phone for a few minutes before she jolts up, having the urge to write her thoughts down. there was a lot she wanted to record in her journal since the last time she had written in it. and only half of them were about how soobin makes her so happy. gosh, she’s bonkers for him to the point that it’s embarrassing.

as soon as she finds the journal and her usual pen, she begins to write in it.

august 2020

i have so much to update you on!

it’s only been a month since i became a trainee in sphere and i just got added in the heartz project! it’s a project that sphere’s doing for their upcoming girl group and three girls have already debuted!!! OMG it’s so exciting to be involved with such a project!!! there’s a lot of talented girls in the project. like yoorim (who joined the same time i did!!! we have so much in common it’s kind of scary), chungha, the lee gahyeon, and the yuzu!!! and so much more cool people!!!! unfortunately, it means i won’t be doing evaluations with my brother or other trainee friends until the project is over (or if i debut. but that’s a big if! there’s so many talented girls in the project!!). but, the coaches must’ve seen something in me, so all i can do is work hard and prove myself that i’m worthy!!!! and also make more friends, because everyone is seriously so cool. >_<

i also dyed my hair!!! it’s ginger… or orange? or red??? i don’t know but it’s that color!! and i look really cool with it tbh!! i kinda look like beverly marsh when she had long hair… or ladybird… or flame princess… or any cool person who has had ginger hair. either way, i look super cute with it!!

and i showed soobin a pic of me with it and he was so cute omgggg ㅠㅠ ugh he’s seriously so great every time i talk about him i get all smiley and butterflies get in my stomach and !!!! yeah wow i need to have another entry talking about how much i like him it’s kind of embarrassing but thankfully i can be all gross about how much i like him in here

i finally moved out of my parents’... it was hard, i will admit. having lived there for so long since i came back to korea does that, i guess. i don’t think i would’ve moved out had it not been for the getting casted thing. i always thought i’d leave after i graduated from ungrad school then move onto grad school. but, i’m not going to school!!! so that much has happened lol

i’m going to miss a lot of stuff about living with them, but i know it’s for the better. idk if i’d want to see my mom for a while. maybe my dad, but not her. idk we’ll see! for now, i’m just happy that i’m living somewhere better. and with someone i can look up to!! even if i am getting closer to chungha unnie, i really do think she’s such a cool person and i hope she can debut in heartz, soon… and hopefully i can debut with her!! but we’ll see what the future holds!!!

and i’ll keep you updated on that future, too!!

that’s all!! i’m getting tired and i don’t want to drool on u lolol gn!! will write in u… in a month maybe? 

after she finishes the last sentence, she closes the book and starts to get ready for bed.