#being on the verge of a breakdown

[lampochkaart]

Initiation

It's not just some drawing, it's actually an illustration I made for my fanfic! You can read it here.

It's something like an introduction for an AU that I talked about here.

[harmonysanreads]

Aventurine? More like ANGSTTURINE.

[deconstructthesoup]

I know that a lot of people are saying that the next Endless-meets-a-Dead-Boy-Detective moment should be between Desire and Charles because Repressed Bisexual Yearning, but consider:

Crystal meeting Delirium

[prapais]

is this another one of your jokes? no, don’t read... don’t! he gets on my nerves... but always makes me smile. he’s a narcissist but deserves to be one. he’s willful... but also the kindest man i know. exhaustion can’t stop him from coming to me. always makes me happy. how can i prevent p’pai from getting bored? can you not look for someone else? can i be the only one for you? i might be boring, not pretty, not cute. but please don’t get bored of me. don’t say the word “like” to anyone but me. don’t leave me. only be kind to me, only take care of me. only buy foods for me. there’s nothing good about me, but i’ll do my best. i’ll do whatever you want me to do. please don’t like anyone else. please. please like me. please love me, p’pai.

LOVE IN THE AIR ⋮ EP12.

[urplepurplegurgleturgle]

aww Crocy and Lin aren't characters? They're my favorite anons 😢

oh right fuck i forgot that leatherhead is @/nox-icate also I need to know their url/username if i wanna make them characters ANDDD I need to have a character click with said moot/friend so. Yeah.

I've noticed a lot of this happening so I'm gonna set a boundary: DO NOT ask to be a part of my iteration. It is MY iteration and I will include who I wish to include. Not because I dislike anyone, but because I need to have the puzzle pieces fit how I envision them. If I wish to include you in my iteration then I will contact you myself, but do NOT come to me first. Do NOT complain about who I include and who I don't. This is MY creation and I will do what I want with it.

[guinevereslancelot]

i have a friend who uses "🙃" as a genuinely happy silly emoji and it's genuinely so jarring to me every time. to me "🙃" can be loosely translated as "i'm in hell" or "i am being passive aggressive"

[murdererofthumbs]

Listen, although I do find it pretty exciting to see Kendall entering his Evil Era and actually becoming a killer, I can’t stop thinking about the consequences of him leaking all the shitty mud information they have on Logan. Like yeah, PR-wise that might be a great idea, it might actually solidify his position as a CEO (and he is obviously going to try and fuck up Matsson deal and take over the Waystar - I don’t know why he would want to captain the fucking sinking Titanic, but okay). But on the other hand, all the dirt coming out about Logan will be potentially catastrophic for Roman. Apart from the fact that Kendall is very clearly betraying his brother, literally like 5 seconds after he preached about them being a team; Roman will very likely suffer the most if stuff about Logan being an abusive father comes out.

First, it will flip his whole viewpoint upside down - he is so deep in denial and so trauma-bonded to Logan that he doesn’t even acknowledge his abuse, not even when in happens in real time. He doesn’t want to see his father as a monster and as his abuser, because that would actually require him to accept that he was a victim, that he was this beaten dog that everyone already sees him as (to one degree or another). Not to mention all the lies he tells himself about Logan and him being a good dad will go straight down the drain, and can you imagine what happens when something you believed for 40-or-so years cracks down in front of you? Kendall is about to break his reality.

Another aspect is that exposing Roman’s abuse to the whole world will likely destroy any and all opportunities that Roman ever had when it comes to rising to power (even if I’m unsure how much he actually cares about becoming a CEO). He might get some sympathy points, although I very much doubt that he will ever accept that form of pity from anyone. His image will be forever tainted and solidified as “the abused one” or the “one that was hit by his dad”. Can you imagine Roman’s reaction when that whole shitshow leaks? He does say at some point in the preview that he is finished, and although it might allude to Gerri putting out the whole dick pic situation, it might also very well be that his public image will forever now revolve around how his dad hit and abused him (his dad who was essentially his god in more than one way, who he was, and is trauma bonded to, who he came back to time and time again).

Kendall has a tendency of using his siblings trauma to forward his own position (even when he wanted to one up Logan in episode 2 by bringing up Roman’s and Connor’s trauma) and this is no different. But it’s a very easy way for him to blow up whatever alliance was ever between sibs. So yeah, I think Kendall as a killer is a great thing to watch, but also… well, Roman girl in me is already screaming in the void from the possible pain we might come to watch unravel in real time.

[butnotbubblegum]

using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, don’t read them if you’re having a bad day, they’ll probably not help in the slightest.

[kivaember]

Kind of a weird question, but do you think being an AC pilot has a psychological toll? I'm not talking about the effects of fighting in a war, but rather the effects of piloting the machine itself. Not really sure how to explain it, but a good example is the stuff rounderhouse writes about mech jockeys (check him out if you haven't, his writing is very interesting).

Yes! I've brushed upon this a little bit in APV with 621, and I'll deeper into detail in later chapters, but yes, one of the major drawbacks to augmentations in AC pilots is the fact that they slowly develop dysphoia.

It's more prominant and intense in Old Gens than New Gen, but essentially the pilot begins to feel that the AC is them and become increasingly uncomfortable and othered in their own skin as a human. They feel exposed, they feel too small, their body doesn't move right, it's too light, etc. The only times these sensations abate is when they're piloting their AC, and it results in a sort of compulsion for them to pilot as much as possible, all the time, and intentionally drag their feet on sorties to extend their time in the cockpit. They get antsy if they spend too long out of their AC.

While initially this doesn't seem like a major issue, it does have several knock on effects on the pilot's mental state. It can develop into anxiety disorders and depression the longer it's left untreated, and is considered a major contribution to Old Gens' well known (and considered inevitable) mental degredations.

New Gens mitigate this issue by having the synchronisation with the ACs a lot less intense and with multiple buffers, and (begrudgingly) mandated frequent psych evals to ensure that the dysphoria doesn't get too extreme (if they're corporate owned). Old Gens, however, are kinda fucked, bc the nature of their augmentations mean that they're tied so closely to their ACs they struggle to separate themselves mentally from the mech.

In the type of galaxy that APV is, though, these are considered non-issues unless it directly impacts the pilot's ability. 621, for example, definitely suffers from dysphoria, and Rusty also suffers from a mild form of it himself. They all have their own different ways of coping with it though (some better more than others lmao)

[onewholivesinloops]

gamo may be in so much pain but gamo is trying

[a-s-levynn]

i'll get on my inbox, you guys i promise, i love you al land appreciate the love, i just barely got home and i'm super tired (family event all day)

[natjennie]

sorry i havent been very active lately I've been having a real shit couple days idk why

[randomwriteronline]

Onewa, distraught: NUJU HELP THAT BAG OF ORGANIC MATERIAL TOOK MY LARGE SON IN THE DIVORCE

Nuju, who has been blissfully sharing custody of Kopaka with Ackar since the poor Glatorian was overwhelmed with paternal instincts upon seeing a very skilled idiot parry a sword with his fucking arm bc he forgot hes made of meat:

[thechosenanubis]

do you ever think about " the Osirian's need to keep the Chosen One safe" mentality and how it could affect Eddie's mental state? Because I do.

All the time.

[mxfortune-teller]

Tw for lots of mental health stuff in the tags. Special tw for self-harm talk

[castielafflicted]

hi besties this is your reminder to take 5-10 minutes to clean up your room. or just take out the trash. or pick one thing up.

i say this now because i am dealing with The Pile for the first time since i moved in a year and a half ago. i have just been throwing dirty laundry on top of the pile because its where my laundry basket (being used as storage) should go. i also have to clear off my table that i have not used in almost a year because it got covered and was overwhelming. and deal with bags full of things behind my chair that i ignored because my chair and the table were blocking easy access to that corner of my room.

it is so so so easy to just live Like This when you dont have the motivation or easy ability to clean things, but also this would have been dealt with over a year ago had i just done one or two things at a time.