#but I also strive on my favourite characters being in pain

[murdererofthumbs]

Listen, although I do find it pretty exciting to see Kendall entering his Evil Era and actually becoming a killer, I can’t stop thinking about the consequences of him leaking all the shitty mud information they have on Logan. Like yeah, PR-wise that might be a great idea, it might actually solidify his position as a CEO (and he is obviously going to try and fuck up Matsson deal and take over the Waystar - I don’t know why he would want to captain the fucking sinking Titanic, but okay). But on the other hand, all the dirt coming out about Logan will be potentially catastrophic for Roman. Apart from the fact that Kendall is very clearly betraying his brother, literally like 5 seconds after he preached about them being a team; Roman will very likely suffer the most if stuff about Logan being an abusive father comes out.

First, it will flip his whole viewpoint upside down - he is so deep in denial and so trauma-bonded to Logan that he doesn’t even acknowledge his abuse, not even when in happens in real time. He doesn’t want to see his father as a monster and as his abuser, because that would actually require him to accept that he was a victim, that he was this beaten dog that everyone already sees him as (to one degree or another). Not to mention all the lies he tells himself about Logan and him being a good dad will go straight down the drain, and can you imagine what happens when something you believed for 40-or-so years cracks down in front of you? Kendall is about to break his reality.

Another aspect is that exposing Roman’s abuse to the whole world will likely destroy any and all opportunities that Roman ever had when it comes to rising to power (even if I’m unsure how much he actually cares about becoming a CEO). He might get some sympathy points, although I very much doubt that he will ever accept that form of pity from anyone. His image will be forever tainted and solidified as “the abused one” or the “one that was hit by his dad”. Can you imagine Roman’s reaction when that whole shitshow leaks? He does say at some point in the preview that he is finished, and although it might allude to Gerri putting out the whole dick pic situation, it might also very well be that his public image will forever now revolve around how his dad hit and abused him (his dad who was essentially his god in more than one way, who he was, and is trauma bonded to, who he came back to time and time again).

Kendall has a tendency of using his siblings trauma to forward his own position (even when he wanted to one up Logan in episode 2 by bringing up Roman’s and Connor’s trauma) and this is no different. But it’s a very easy way for him to blow up whatever alliance was ever between sibs. So yeah, I think Kendall as a killer is a great thing to watch, but also… well, Roman girl in me is already screaming in the void from the possible pain we might come to watch unravel in real time.

[infinitify]

(art by @novalise1 on X)

HOW TO BE | AOT MODERN AU

EREMIKA & RIVETRA (MULTI-CHAP SLOW BURN)

Levi's taken it upon himself to raise his orphaned cousin, Mikasa. Devoted entirely to keeping her safe from the dysfunction of the Ackerman family, he strives to give her the type of life she deserved from the very start. Now depressed, emotionally damaged, and entranced by heavy eyeliner and sad song lyrics, seventeen-year-old Mikasa struggles through growing pains during her pursuit of happiness - all while being so hopelessly in love with a boy who sometimes can't keep his mouth shut.

Mid-2000's Modern/High School/College AU. Goth, angsty Mikasa and protective father figure Levi. Eventual Eren x Mikasa, eventual Levi x Petra.

CW: Graphic depictions of violence, blood, alcoholism. Attempts of suicide/completion of suicide. Mentions of molestation/attempted molestation (no graphic depictions). Dysfunctional family life.

NSFW content in the future.

✮ ✮ ✮

Hello there! I thought I'd finally share my story with the tumblr side of the AOT fandom, so if you're into character studies of your AOT faves, a ridiculous amount of teenaged angst, and horrifyingly tragic backstories, then this if the fic for you! Take a dip into the complex familial bond Levi and Mikasa share while you discover all the heart-wrenching pain between your favourite ships!

Big big big credit to @novalise1 on X for their amazing art that you're seeing above. They drew these a while before my fic was even conceived, but I stumbled upon them about a year or so later and they coincidentally fit the fic so well. I knew I had to show you all their talented art!

If you would like sporadic chapter updates, you can also find me on X @infinitify_ or feel free to shoot me a message in my asks here on tumblr!

But anyway, happy reading!

[chrysalis-the-butterfly]

Blaire Hopburn: My Favourite Character From My Least Favourite Piece of Media

So there's this webcomic called Lease Bound. It's set in Australia in 2017, and it follows Jaden and Riley, two lesbians forced to share an apartment after a mix-up with their leases (hence the title).

It was promoted as a lesbian love story, but it soon became pretty notorious for transphobia.

Jaden works as a bouncer for a female-only lesbian bar, and in Chapter 3, she refuses to let in three trans women, who don't take it well. The webcomic was heavily criticised for the way the trans women were drawn and how they behaved.

Years later, Lease Bound is still being updated regularly - in fact, Chapter 11 introduced a load of trans men and enby characters.

I've been following the updates for a while. The webcomic expresses a lot of views that I do not agree with - namely, that trans women are dangerous perverted men, and that trans men and enbies are either attention-seeking straight women or queer women too scared to question the "trans ideology cult".

And yet I keep coming back. It's partly out of morbid curiosity, to see what on Earth is going to happen next. But I think it's also because of one character I actually quite like.

Blaire Hopburn.

Blaire is Riley's bisexual girlfriend. She works at the same shop as Riley, in a slightly more senior position. She's also studying cosmetology at university and is part of its LGBTQIA+ club.

In a comic that's been so heavily criticised (and rightly so), what makes Blaire so appealing to me?

It's partly because of her personality. The Cast Page describes her as "a passionate, bubbly woman, who always strives to do what she believes is right… Even if not everyone else agrees." I generally like characters with those traits. I enjoy watching people who try to be good and make an effort to help others, but don't always do it in the best way.

And another reason I like Blaire is because I read her as autistic.

Blaire Hopburn: Accidentally Autistic?

Quite a few of Blaire's personality traits are things that I, as an autistic person, relate to a lot.

The author has described Blaire as, "So good at picking up when someone is upset, or not looking after themselves, so bad at reading the room regarding how to act." That could resonate with any autistic people who are high on empathy but low on social skills. You feel other people's pain, you want to help them, but you're not sure how. And what you try seems to make things worse.

This aspect of Blaire is present in Chapter 8, on Pages 2 and 3, when she and Jaden make conversation while erecting a bunk bed:

Blaire: So Jaden, is this your first move out of home? Jaden: I know it's a little later than most people... Blaire: Not judging! My 'rents insisted I stay home until I finish studying. Jaden: Oh nice. What are you studying? Blaire: Cosmetology! I tried early childcare and psychology too, but I couldn't handle that sort of selfless responsibility, haha! Jaden: Oh man, I feel that. My mum's in aged care, and takes care of my Nana now. I could not do what she does for a living, haha. Blaire: Do you think you took longer to move out because you felt guilty leaving your mum with your Nana? Jaden: How many years of psychology did you do...? Blaire: Sorry, that was a total guess! I didn't even last a full year!! Jaden: Could've fooled me, haha.

Thankfully, Jaden is nice enough to let that awkward moment pass, but she could have reacted to Blaire's psychoanalysis in a much worse way.

We also see Blaire being bad at socialising on Chapter 9 Page 17. Riley and Blaire have witnessed Jaden having an argument with her mum, and after her mum leaves, Blaire asks Jaden about it:

Blaire: Did you want to talk about what happened with your mum, Jaden? Riley: BLAIRE...! Jaden: Hey, it's okay. I have been a bit of a downer... Sorry. Riley: No, you don't have to apologise! Blaire: Yeah, it just sounded pretty upsetting. Jaden: You could say that, haha...

That feels very much like something a person would do when they sense something is wrong and zero in on one way of dealing with it. "Come on, let's talk about our feelings! A problem shared is a problem halved, right? Right?"

There's even a point in Chapter 8 where Blaire muses, "Sometimes it feels like Muddles [Riley's pet cat] is able to comfort Riley in ways that I just can't..." Can you imagine how galling it must feel, knowing that a pet, a creature that can't even speak English, is better at helping your girlfriend than you are?

Ouch.

In addition, Blaire's desire to learn about trans topics and be a good trans ally reads a lot like a special interest to me.

Especially the fact that she randomly brings up trans people in conversation, seemingly apropos nothing at all:

Blaire: Sorry I ditched you, babe. Auntie's keen for me to learn stock ordering. Riley: As long as you don't forget about me when you're a fully fledged store manager. Blaire: Never! So how'd the bunk end up treating you? Riley: Big upgrade from being on the floor. Blaire: And did Mudz approve? Riley: She was up there with me by morning. Blaire: Damn, that is good! Do you think Jaden could be trans?

That conversation with Riley had nothing to do with trans stuff, so Blaire's question is a bolt from the blue. I suspect the thought of Jaden being trans had been playing on Blaire's mind all day, and she was eager to grab the first chance to discuss it with someone.

She does something similar in a reply to an Anon question from when the author still had Tumblr:

Anon: Compared to others of her demographic, I gotta give Blaire props for dating a butch gal and treating her well. Blaire: Of course! Butches deserve nothing but love! And that goes DOUBLE for trans women!

Again, that Anon didn't mention trans people at all, but Blaire still brought them up. She was just itching to infodump about trans rights, I just know it.

But Blaire's connection to trans stuff leads to the issues I have with the way she's being written.

Blaire Hopburn: Pretty Problematic?

I really don't like how Blaire is currently being utilised in the story. Mainly because she's made out to be kind-of an idiot. She doesn't notice when she's making her girlfriend feel uncomfortable. And she's quite bad at picking up on social cues more generally.

This is demonstrated in Chapter 11 on Pages 31 and 32. Blaire is conversing with Violet, Jaden's coworker, about Violet's daughter Faith. The view Blaire expresses is the strawman argument often used against trans people and their allies - the supposition that we believe that not conforming to your expected gender norms means you must be trans.

Violet: Oh, and thanks for being patient with Faith. I know she's a bit of a handful! Blaire: It's like you said: they're just very passionate. Just not about dresses and skirts, huh?

Violet's response is interesting, as is Blaire's train of thought after the exchange:

Violet: NOPE! And I couldn't be happier! It makes buying HER clothes so much simpler! I hope SHE will steer clear of razors and makeup in HER teen years too, haha! Anyway, I best be getting my DAUGHTER to bed. See you at Ballroom Night! VROOM! Blaire: ... Blaire: (thinking) Dang it... It looks like Violet needs more help than I first thought... The sooner I get these [leaflets] to her the more time little Faith will have to choose what kind of body they want as an adult...!

Blaire didn't realise that Violet was emphasising the gendered ways to describe Faith because Violet already knows about trans stuff and rejects it. Instead, she just assumed Violet was ignorant and needed some educational leaflets.

(And Blaire also didn't notice the insult hidden in Violet's words. Blaire clearly shaves and wears makeup, so Violet was basically saying she hopes Faith doesn't turn out like Blaire. But Blaire has no reaction to that.)

Blaire is clearly not the best at detecting what people are implying. But that's being written in an exaggerated way, to satirise belief in "trans ideology" as stupid and in denial of reality.

It can almost feel as if Blaire is being portrayed as bad because of her autistic traits.

The author has addressed this in a comment on one of the bonus comic pages that came out after Chapter 11:

Important to keep in mind that none of the characters are written to be autistic. So Blaire isn’t being made into a villain or singled out for being autistic. In fact, a lot of her "social missteps" are a positive side to her character. Like she's pushy about gender nonsense, but she's also pushy when it comes to making sure her friends take care of themselves (making sure Jaden was getting her share of pancakes, pointing it out fully). She pushes because she cares. It has both positive and negative outcomes.

The trouble is, just because it wasn't the author's intention doesn't mean that's not how it looks. I know I'm not the only one who sees Blaire as autistic-coded.

And when Blaire's difficulties with social interaction are being played up in conversations about trans people, she isn't being written as a character. She's being used as a tool to poke fun at "the trans cult".

That's what annoys me about her portrayal. She isn't allowed to just be a character in a story - a nice, well-meaning but inexperienced girlfriend who happens to take an interest in trans rights. She has to be an extreme strawman of a trans ally, to push the author's anti-trans agenda.

Blaire Hopburn: Vicious Villain?

One of the webcomic's extra features is an "Actor AU", which includes this interview with Blaire's "actress":

Interviewer: Your character is quite controversial isn't she? Lots of people want her killed off and others are holding out hope for some sort of redemption. Which camp are you in, haha? Blaire's Actress: Neither. Interviewer: Oh...? Blaire's Actress: I actually like evil female characters. There's all these memes about deranged women, malicious women, heartless women... But when one does come along they want her removed or fundamentally changed before she's even spread her wings. Interviewer: Do you think fan opinion might change once Blaire ... takes flight? Blaire's Actress: I hope so. Realistically, both extreme camps will probably end up disappointed. But there's plenty of other great stuff to watch for. Will just have to burn the "Blaire bridge" when we come to it.

The funny thing is that the fans who comment on Lease Bound act as though Blaire is already a horrible person, but ... she really isn't?

At her worst, she's so focused on being a good trans ally that she neglects to check in with how others feel. But that's hardly "deranged" or "malicious" or "heartless", is it? Unless you already believe that supporting "trans ideology" makes you at least one of those things.

The closest thing I see to Blaire being villainous is in the first of the "When Riley Met Brick" bonus pages.

Blaire: Exploring your femininity in a non-traumatic way might help make things clearer too. Riley: O-okay. Blaire: Why don't we go dress shopping later this week, then? Riley: U-uh... I'm not really... They never feel good. Blaire: Cute plus-size options have come a long way in the last few years. It won't be frumpy like the stuff from your old congregation, I promise! Riley: O-okay... *** Blaire: Well, what do you think? Riley: It's... I feel like I can't breathe... Blaire: Huh? But it's so loose and flow-y... Do you need a bigger size? Riley: N-no, please, get it off. OFF! OFF!! Blaire: Riles! Hey, hey! Don't thrash like that, you'll rip it! Here' I'm untying it, see? Riley: ... Blaire: So, no tie-arounds, zippers or buttons... How about this one? You just pull it straight over your head! Riley: I can't... Please, no more... Blaire: Hmm... I think we need to talk to someone who has a bit more expertise than me, baby...

Blaire is forcing Riley to try on dresses and do something she's really uncomfortable with, until Riley is screaming and thrashing about. That does seem very, very bad. But I wonder if there's more to this than meets the eye.

Riley's backstory hasn't been shown in the webcomic yet, but the author has said that she grew up in a religious cult where she was only allowed to wear dresses, never trousers. Blaire presumably doesn't fully understand how bad Riley's past was, as she assumes the issue is with the style of the dresses Riley has tried so far.

In an extra cast reply (and it's debatable how canon it is), Blaire does seem to grasp that what Riley has gone through was traumatising:

Blaire: Riley's discomfort with femininity is from being forced into it as a kid. That doesn't mean she HATES girly stuff, she just has internalised misogyny to work through at her own pace!

Yes, Blaire is going about things in the wrong way. But ... she kind-of has a point? I certainly wouldn't call it "internalised misogyny", but it is trauma, and that needs addressing.

Not wanting to wear dresses isn't a problem, but the reason for it can be. Riley's discomfort is clearly rooted in pretty serious trauma, and she needs to be able to sit down with someone and work through that. Sadly, she's not yet confident enough to open up fully about it.

And even if she could, Blaire isn't the right person to do this with. Blaire did study psychology briefly at university, but she didn't last a full year. Her idea of helping Riley is taking her to see Brick, a non-binary person ... who's training to be a veterinary nurse, not a human therapist. Blaire is nowhere near qualified to give Riley the help she needs.

I don't see this as an evil trans ally preying on a poor little lesbian. I see this as two flawed women talking past each other, trying and failing to understand each other, ill-equipped to cope with each other's issues.

And then the other "villainous Blaire" moment is at the end of "When Riley Met Brick", as Blaire criticises Riley for the way she talks to Brick:

Riley: Maybe I'm just feeling a bit confused because I've never met a trans person befor- Brick: THAT is an assumption rooted in transphobic bias! Trans people aren't a monolith! You can't tell who's trans just by looking at them! Riley: Sorry, I didn't know...! Blaire: You know what they say about assuming babe... Riley: I swear I didn't mean to... Blaire: You need to choose your words with more care. Riley: Right... I'm really sorry...

The dark colours, Blaire's body language and ominous words, the top-down perspective on the scared-looking Riley ... this page is trying to make us see Blaire as in the wrong and Riley as her victim. We're meant to judge her for putting her zealousness for trans acceptance before her concern for her girlfriend's feelings.

That's the last time we've seen Blaire in the webcomic so far, but she's due to reappear in Chapter 13. It seems as though the author is planning to do something big with Blaire - something that will cement her as the villain of Lease Bound. But it hasn't happened yet. And I'm curious to see what it is.

I suspect it's something to do with Blaire being in a more senior position at Riley's workplace, as well as the fact that her aunt works there. There's a risk that Blaire could use her influence with her aunt to force Riley out of a job, after a major disagreement over trans rights or something.

But based on what we've seen so far in the webcomic, I can't picture Blaire doing something like that. She just doesn't seem like the kind of person to do something so extreme.

Basically, it's going to take a lot to convince me that Blaire Hopburn is an irredeemable monster.

TL;DR Lease Bound is massively problematic. The one bright spot for me is Blaire, the nice, eager-to-help, slightly autistic-coded bi lady. Unfortunately, she keeps being turned into a caricature to mock those who support trans rights, and that bothers me.

[mxanigel]

Things I'd like to know about my fellow writers

Tagged by @marythegizka and @illusivesoul, thank you~

No-pressure tagging @druckkugelschreiber @captastra @dr-paine @poetikat @ruthvelyan

and @arendaes @anderstrevelyan @milesmentis @korblez @saraptor (prompts for copy/pasting below the cut)

Last book I read: Aside from textbooks or science papers, uhhh… a volume in the 86 series. I think. I can't wait for work to calm down in a month so I can read for fun again~

Greatest literary inspiration: Most recently, NK Jemisin's worldbuilding and ability to weave rich tales within those worlds and complex rules. The Broken Earth trilogy really, really appeals to the scientist in me.

Things in my current fandom(s) I want to read but I don't want to write: In Attack on Titan, anything Historia/Ymir but particularly stories where Ymir lives. For Dragon Age, I want happy and cute f/f fluff. (I want to get back to my Anora/f!Cousland pairing, but I just can't seem to keep it fluffy, lol.)

Things in my current fandom(s) I want to write but I think nobody would be interested in them but me: ahahaha other than the Levi/Hange/Shion (OC) longfic that's devoured my creative output? Historia/Sasha which still could happen and some of the awkwardness between Neri and Alistair after they reject his advances during Origins.

You can recognize my writing by: Queer characters with self-confidence issues who still strive to handle the responsibilities thrust upon them. Also lots of dialogue.

My most controversial take (current fandom[s]): Hmmmm. AoT-wise, maybe that I headcanon Hange as aceflux? (They're obsessed with Titans and monstrous things in general, but that doesn't have to imply that they're wildly horny for monsters. Or in general.) With respect to Dragon Age, it's not exactly controversial, but I genuinely adore DA2 and all of the companions in it. Yes, all of them.

Top three favourite tropes: These are the three that first came to mind rather than my ultimate favorites, but: 1) kabedon~ (I will include one whenever I possibly can); 2) a character caring for their beloved who's been injured or fallen ill or being the one cared for (bonus points if a love confession hasn't happened yet); 3) grump + sunshine pairings.

What’s your current writing mood? (10 – super motivated and churning out words like crazy, 0 – in a complete rut): Probably a 3. I had a months-long super productive phase, and then Day Job took over my life. Now I'm lucky to write more than a hundred words a week; this next chapter does not want to cooperate with me.

Share a random frustration: That I get hung up on kudos and comments. Brain, please please please just let me write for the sake of writing.

-----

Last book I read:

Greatest literary inspiration: 

Things in my current fandom(s) I want to read but I don't want to write:

Things in my current fandom(s) I want to write but I think nobody would be interested in them but me: 

You can recognize my writing by: 

My most controversial take (current fandom[s]):

Top three favourite tropes: 

What’s your current writing mood? (10 – super motivated and churning out words like crazy, 0 – in a complete rut) 

Share a random frustration:

[dreamingsushi]

Eternal Love - Overall Review

It took a few years in the making, but there we are and finally I finished my recaps of this series. It was somewhat challenging since I knew all of the major events to happen, yet I had to make sure not to include them in any of my recaps before it actually happened. My fingers might have slipped here and there, but I truly did my best.

Plot

It’s quite the feat to manage summarizing the story of this drama in a few lines without revealing everything. Let’s just say that this about a love story between two immortals, spanning on three different lives. There is a lot of trials, a lot of pain, but also a lot of magic, in any kind of way you can give to this word. Since elaborating on the plot line itself would risk giving away spoilers, which is not the point of this review, I will focus on the characters and their relationship.

We can all agree that Bai Qian/Si Yin/Susu is the main character of this story. She's there from the beginning to the end. I would like to mention the complexity of this character. At times she's quirky, at others she's an elder that no one would dare confront. What I liked about her is that she's very consistent in her character. She's a proud lady and she won't take being insulted, although she's actually a softy deep down inside and can't really hold a grudge for real, it's only to keep face. She's also extremely loyal. I loved that we got to have a strong lady as a main lead. A strong lady that hates to depend even on her partner, even though she relied maybe a little too much on her master, but that's a different story. She made sense, from A to Z. She wasn't perfect, no she had plenty of flaws, but that's what made her even more relatable and actually admirable. Her relationship with Yehua sometimes evolved weirdly, it felt maybe like we could have used a little more development, but at the same time... it wasn't illogical at all.

And I can't talk about Bai Qian without mentioning Yehua, right? Seriously, that character is everything. I loved how we portrayed his struggles, why he strives so much to please everyone and do the right thing, all the time. It was painful, yet blissful to see his growth, seeing him discover love and happiness along the hardships. The guy was obviously a little too powerful, but I liked the openness he had about his feelings towards Bai Qian, how he was set on one thing and wouldn't change his mind. He needs still to learn about communication, because that would have solved many issues and saved a lot of tears on my part, but he's still young. 70 000 something years old, that ain't that old right?

The one part of the storyline that I really didn't like is the one between Donghua and Fengjiu. My problem isn't that their love isn't fated to be fulfilled, but rather that it's pathetic. To me, Fengjiu liking Donghua doesn't make sense. It feels more like a fan who is mistaken between feelings of love and feelings of admiration. I'm also not a fan of people hanging on to others, even though it's not meant to be, it's just annoying. She kept clinging onto him and I just don't appreciate seeing women portrayed that way.

But let's talk about one my favourite pair of characters: Zhe Yan and Bai Zhen. Those two. Seriously. Who wouldn't like them? It's obvious that they are a little bit more than friends, even though it is never openly said in the drama. But they just fight like an old married couple all the time. I think one of my favourite moment is when Zheyan makes a new arm for Yehua, arguing that it would look bad on his wedding day with Bai Qian if he only had one, and that just totally made sense as an explanation to Bai Zhen, who also agrees. It's just lovely how they always think of each other, in every circumstances. Plus, even though most of the time they are rather carefree, they both are really powerful characters and I think without their help, our main characters would never have found each other.

Li Jing is also a character that has shown a lot of growth during the drama. Perhaps under the influence of Bai Qian. He really broke my heart, because he did try his best, even though that wasn't enough.

Now let's mention the two ladies antagonizing Bai Qian: Xuan Nü and Sujin. Whereas Xuan Nü is pitiful, Sujin is despicable. Both ladies got to grow up next to people who were important, but the first one was always remembered of her low status, while the other one felt entitled to everything. They both tried to take away the men from Bai Qian and both failed. And I must say, I really liked Xuan Nü's character. To be more correct I guess, I must say that I liked disliking her. She's ready to do anything to get whatever she wants and gets delusional in the end. Basically, she created her own hell herself, crafted it one piece at a time. Her downfall was slow, painful and led her to lose her mind. That was actually fabulous in way. On the other hand, Sujin character's didn't impress me as much. She's just a spoiled lying brat who's used to get what she wants, on the pretext that her family died for the celestial group. She has always coveted what doesn't belong to her so yeah. They just made her into an ugly character that didn't have much depth. I don't like female characters like that, because I think it puts woman in a bad light.

Over all, the plot was pretty decent. I remember though when I tried to explain it to my sisters, they thought I was crazy for watching something like this haha. I mean, stuff happens in Chinese dramas sometimes, it's okay. It wasn't perfect and some stuff were very frustrating, but it's an overall 8/10 for me.

Acting

Here, I would say I'm biased. I'm a huge Yang Mi's fan. She's just great. So to me, she did an awesome job, with all the little habits the character has. She keeps pushing them forward and it looks natural. I loved the subtle differences between Susu and Bai Qian, coming from her memory loss. Loved also when she was acting as Xuan Nü stealing Bai Qian's face. You can see that she's talented and polyvalent. There's not a time I didn't believe that what happened. was real.

And I can't say one thing wrong about Zhao Youting's acting either. He was beyond expectations, as Moyuan and Yehua. How much his gaze would mean a lot, you could know what he felt just through his eyes. Both Yehua and Moyuan weren't very expressive characters, mostly cold to anyone but Bai Qian (as they should), but it didn't feel like the usual "I'm trying to look like I'm cold so I'm just not acting". There were nuances all along, making it alive instead of zombie like. You could feel all the warmth those two characters had to offer once they started liking someone. Especially as Yehua, who was a character that grew up with so much pressure on him.

I'm not going to spend too much time on the other characters, because otherwise this review is going to be overly long. However, I still have a few actors to praise. Both Sujin and Xuan Nü did an amazing job, especially Xuan Nü towards the end, when she was on her downfall and getting crazier by the day. Those two ladies, albeit having a not so nice personna did a very good job. They made me feel exactly how I should towards them. Pity, hatred, resentment... All of that. The actor for Siming was also hilarious, while very good at the more serious occasions. Loved loved Alan Yu as Bai Zhen, but this guy is just so precious, I always want to pinch his cheeks in general, but even more so in this character. Do I have to mention baby Ali? That child is soooo adorable. Obviously, they were pretty young back then so it wasn't perfect, but it felt so naive and real, I loved it. Even though I am not a fan of Fengjiu, Dilraba Dilmurat did an awesome job. She's a master at pouting while still looking adorable. We could feel all the melancholy of her character from her unfulfilled romance. She did great also looking all feisty for her aunt when she felt she was being bullied.

The only character I wasn't so fond of his acting was... Gao Weiguang as Donghua. Whereas Zhao Youting portrays beautifully a cold character, it didn't make the cut for me in Donghua's case. It felt very awkward for me. Not to say he didn't do a good job, it's just that compared to Zhao Youting, it didn't stand a chance.

Overall, this drama gets a lot of point for the acting. I didn't even mention all of the wonderful characters, because there are just too many to talk about each of them. However I would say a majority did a stellar job. So this gets a 9/10, losing points for some of the side characters that were a little less enticing.

Soundtrack

I think it is no secret that I just looooove Eternal Love's soundtrack. Both the opening and the ending of the drama are on my playlist, I almost never skip it when it comes along and they both figure on my KTV must sing list. It's just beautiful, it pairs well with the drama and the story. What else can I say?

But it's not all about the opening and the ending. Whenever there was music in this drama, I couldn't help but be delighted. It always was most fitting to the actual action right at that moment. It was perfection. Whenever I heard the notes starting to play, I was right into the feels, it set the tone for whatever was happening. They did an awesome job in my opinion.

Overall, this is a 10/10, it was just perfect. I couldn't ask for anything better than that.

Aesthetic and costumes

So this being an older drama, it's going to lose a little bit of points here. Not because it's bad, it's just... old. If I did my review right when it first aired, the score might have been different, but how well.

Let's first talk about costumes. I would say I loved most of them? It wasn't all perfect, but the costumes really fitted each of the characters personality, and very well at that. I especially enjoyed Yehua's costume and his head pieces. Lexu and Sujin were also beautifully dressed all the time. I think they had the most intricate costumes of the drama. Perhaps alongside with Xuan Nü as she was queen of Yi. I wasn't such a fan of Bai Qian's clothes half of the time. I liked her monocolour clothing more than the multicolour ones. Sometimes the colours kind of didn't fit together and it bothered my eyes. I also couldn't help but think that her headpieces must have been very uncomfortable. But one thing I really liked was the consistency of the hairstyles for the Fox tribe people. Their hair were pulled back in a similar manner for all of them, except Fengjiu and Bai Zhen, for some mysterious reason. I also liked the general simplicity of the costumes for most characters. As much as I like beautiful clothing, I enjoyed that instead of focusing on what they were wearing, I would focus more on their facial expressions and their body language.

About the visuals... There were beautiful scenes (especially in Kunlunxu, Qingqiu and the Peach Blossom forest), but the unfortunate thing was that most of it were painting or pictures and we could see quite clearly the cut around the actors. It wasn't very seamless and kind of ruined part of the thing for me. Also, the beasts and creatures looked really cheap. Probably because they weren't as advanced in that field. But if I look back, it wasn't that much better in Till the End of the Moon which is much more recent. So overall, they really didn't do too bad, right?

So overall, this would be a 7/10, but mostly because it didn't age that well. It's pretty impressive for back then and this is actually a pretty good rating in my opinion.

Should you watch this drama?

I 100% recommend to watch Eternal Love. I think it belongs to the classics in terms of drama, even though it's not that old. It has everything a good story needs. The character development is super interesting. The acting is superior. The story is enticing and of course, there are some toxicity as to be expected of something a little older, but it's not overly present compared to other dramas. Actually, toxic traits during the relationship was something to work on. Seriously, this is a solid 9/10, I watched it twice and if I ever have some more time, I would rewatch without hesitation.

List of full recaps

All / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13 / 14 / 15 / 16 / 17 / 18 / 19 / 20 / 21 / 22 / 23 / 24 / 25 / 26 / 27 / 28 / 29 / 30 / 31 / 32 / 33 / 34 / 35 / 36 / 37 / 38 / 39 / 40 / 41 / 42 / 43 / 44 / 45 / 46 / 47 / 48 / 49 / 50 / 51 / 52 / 53 / 54 / 55 / 56 / 57 / 58

[heatwa-ves]

Top 5 manga/anime series

I've put off answering this for so long because I really don't know how to pick just 5.. doing my best here but there's absolutely gonna be some i love that I completely forget about 😛

anime: as usual here I'm just including anime I haven't read the manga of because 99% of the time I'll prefer the manga 💥 also the order is subject to change

1. banana fish- changed my fucking life it's been almost exactly a year since I watched it for the first time and I am always thinking about it because. aiyshajueiwhshwkkeyaiowhsjajejieiwheh. I enjoy pain and suffering and thinking about ash makes me cry

2. haikyuu- been rewatching recently so it's on my brain.. I love you gay volleyball players I love you sosososososo much. makes me absurdly happy

3. death parade- changed my life. chiyuki..... really interesting perspective on death and morality and is one of the few anime that have genuinely made me cry I sat there in tears for so long. also banger op.

4. bofuri- do you like lesbians do you like silly girls being silly do you like video games do you like FUN. shoutout to bofuri it makes me so happy

5. doukyuusei- on any other day this probably wouldn't make the list but I've been thinking about it today and feeling emotional. all I can say is watch it right now.

manga: this is where picking got really difficult I read manga a lot more than I watch anime and there's a lot of obscure ones I really like and also one I'm not gonna mention on this list for reasons but I consider it one of my favs too

1. toilet bound hanako kun- my favourite art in the world amazing characters amazing story it's all I could ever want in life I owe my life to aidairo

2. the summer hikaru died- I love gorgeous art and body horror and guys who come back wrong and gay people and amazing narratives and this one ticks all my boxes

3. chainsaw man (or at least, csm part 1. I'm so conflicted on part 2) - I love love love part one the characters are amazing the narrative the themes everything. part two is good I guess but I don't enjoy it the same way I liked part 1. also it's confusing to me 😔💥

4. crossplay love- the gist of this one is guy 1 (hanae) dresses as a girl (Hana) and works at a maid cafe, guy 2 (shuumei) sees Hana, develops a crush on her, and dresses as a girl (mei) to get to know her better and hana and mei become friends, while hanae and shuumei who go to the same school don't like eachother at all initially, it's hilarious and very Not Cis and yaoiyuri silliness and I love it dearly. also the art is gorgeous

5. shimanami tasogare- do yourself a favour and read it.

6. (I couldn't pick just 5) sirius twin star- I love love love love this author so much it's a short manga about two girls who meet while staying at a beach town in the summer and mutually inspire eachother to live and strive for their dreams and it's sooooo beautiful and I love them and also they're gay if that wasn't already obvious

[thepiscesclub]

3 books to read when moving to a new city alone

Earlier this year, I moved out of my childhood home on the countryside to Berlin. Alone. With no money, no job and no safe place to stay. To pursue my dreams and escape the literal hell a small village with no artistic opportunities can be. Because the space in my suitcase was limited, I could only bring a few books. These are books I took with me into this new era of my life where I have felt so lost and lonely in the beginning.

Just Kids - Patti Smith

This book inspired me so much when I first read it. Patti, who is now one of the greatest female rock musicians in the world and played her music along some other legendary people, moved to New York City on her own when she was a teenager, having no money and no concrete plan. She even had to live on the streets for some periods, starving and desperatly working any job she could find. But through all this, she never lost her vision, her love for the arts. And she made it, met amazing people and slowly built up her life. There was so much struggle, despair and pain involved in her journey, which gives any young artist striving to get out there so much hope. Also Patti is a great writer, carefully arranging her words and pairing them with amazing visuals, like old pictures that make you feel like you are there with her, eating donuts and smoking cigarettes.

Looking for Alaska - John Green

John Green is a legend when it comes to writing about the mind and struggles of the average self concious teenager trying to fit into society´s standards. Looking for Alaska has been one of my favourite books for a long time. I have read it about 15 times and it gives me an enormous amount of comfort. Miles, the a weird and lonely teenage boy moves to another school, away from his parents and his home town, where he is confronted with strange characters and a whole new hierarchy. Sounds intimidating, right? He manages to find friends, fall in love, experience all the stunningly beautiful and dirty aspects of being a teenager. This book always reminds me that even if there is sadness and pain and grief, that should never stop me from acknowledging the small things that define life. To have gratitude and take it all in, the good and the bad. Coming of age is a challenge, but it is not something to avoid, it´s something that has to be felt.

The Catcher in the Rye - J. D. Salinger

I hated this book. It is extremely uncomfortable to read, I completely despised the main character Holden and his way of dealing with people around him. But still, to be fair, he is just a 16 year old jerk, trying to find some meaning in stagnant every day processes. Even though he is not very likeable, his desperate tries to do someting meaningful are heartbreaking, you feel like you are just wandering the cold streets with him. It is a story about alienation in a big city, feeling incredibly alone and excluded from society. When I was sitting in my new apartment on my own, with no one to talk to, I felt like Salinger describes the feelings you have in such a situation quite well. Loneliness just creeps up on you. And not always can a comforting word help with that, sometimes you need to hear the experience of a character who is just as lost in the world as you are. That is what Catcher in the Rye did for me.

...

Being alone can be so freeing and extremely enjoyable! But if you seek for some comfort, consider reading these books.

Have a wonderful day xx

[durotoswrites]

AO3 Stats Quiz

Thank you for tagging me, @emeraldhaze15! 🥰 I forgot there’s a statistics page on Ao3, so it’s been a long time since I’ve looked at it.

➼ What is your total posted word count on AO3?

699,121. That reminds me that I need to move more of my works from fanfiction.net onto Ao3.

➼ How often do you write?

I typically write at least once every few days, with varying degrees of success.  Writing’s been coming slowly lately, but using a sprint bot has helped me stop overthinking what I put down.  Sometimes I just need that extra little push.

➼ Do you have a routine for writing?

I like to have something to drink at my side, along with some chill music playing in the background.  I will change the music to suit the mood if I’m writing something more dramatic, but relaxing typically works best for me.  Lately, I’ve been using sprint bots and write in a few fifteen minute bursts.  When I’m editing or thinking of new ideas, I don’t have a timer going.

➼ What are your favourite tropes/pairings?

Oooh, I have a lot that I enjoy, honestly.  This list is just a taste of the things I like, hehe.

Tropes: Hurt/Comfort, slow burn, friends to lovers, strangers to lovers, found family, angst with a happy ending, fluff, fluff with substance

Pairings: I don’t think it’s any secret that I love Cliff x Claire as my OTP. Outside of that, I have lately been really enjoying mixing the pairings all around.  I like canon pairings, rare pairs, and I adore unexpected pairings that are written very convincingly!  As long as they can have some fun chemistry, I have fun dabbling and playing around with the possibilities.

➼ Do you have a favourite fic of yours?

The Shy Newcomer has so much of myself, my heart, my life, and my experiences intertwined into it that I’d feel wrong picking anything else.  It is truly a labor of love.

➼ Your fic with the most kudos?

The Shy Newcomer.  I’m not really surprised, since it’s the one I have had around for so long.  I’m so grateful that people enjoy it 💖

I’m a little surprised that the story with the second most is the first lemon I wrote with my OTP.  😳 I look back on it and feel like some of the language was a little clunky, but thank you all for being so nice about it! 

➼ Anything you don’t like about your writing?

Ack, this is a dangerous question, as I tend to spiral when I don’t feel confident.  That’s got to count as one thing I don’t like about my creative process.  For the writing itself, I do wish that I could stop overthinking while drafting and being paranoid people will dislike what I write.  It’s not perfect, but whose writing is?  I have a few phrases I lean on too heavily and am constantly having to find them and weed them out.  I’m sure there are other phrases I’m aware I use a lot, hehe.  

I often struggle connecting scenes.  That’s honestly what takes the longest to write – how to get from one scene to the next.  I can also be a little redundant while writing as well to really drive a point home.  I often fear that the words I use are too common and boring and I wish my style were a little more poetic.

➼ Now something you do like?

Another tough question. 😅 I really love writing mental dialogue, and when I receive comments that readers can relate to my characters, it makes my heart soar.  I feel that characterization in my strong suit, and I really strive to make my characters feel like real people.  I love capturing the excitement, joy, pain, disappointment, and everyday moments in life and putting all those feelings into my story.  

Tags: @quartzfox @hikamaus, @krosaceae, @sketch-witch, @chickchickee​, @forgetmenotboys​, and anyone else who would like to play!  (My brain hasn’t woken up yet today and I’m sure I left a bunch of people out ^-^;)

[neowitcher]

BLACK PANTHER: WAKANDA FOREVER | FILM REVIEW

Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (2022) ★★★★

Action/Sci-fi, 2h 41m

Dir. Ryan Coogler

Cast: Letitia Wright, Lupita Nyong’o, Danai Gurira, Winston Duke, Dominique Thorne, Florence Kasumba, Michaela Coel, Tenoch Huerta, Martin Freeman, Angela Bassett & others

Summary:

Queen Ramonda, Shuri, M’Baku, Okoye and the Dora Milaje fight to protect their nation from intervening world powers in the wake of King T’Challa’s death. As the Wakandans strive to embrace their next chapter, the heroes must band together with the help of War Dog Nakia and Everett Ross and forge a new path for the kingdom of Wakanda. (Letterboxd)

My review (slight spoilers):

Since Black Panther is so well-received and is always a fun film to rewatch (one of my personal favourites within the MCU), the challenge to equal or even top that quality is real. Getting Coogler back as the director was a wise choice because despite the clear absence, the film feels like a well-needed hug. What’s not to like about that?

A big factor that makes Black Panther: Wakanda Forever especially easy to love, is its emotionality. Opening the film with King T’Challa’s passing and funeral felt like an arrow straight through the heart but one that was absolutely necessary. The parallel to real life was very visible, not only through the funeral but also many nods to Chadwick Boseman throughout the movie. It was a beautiful tribute, and a powerful ending to the MCU’s fourth phase.

More importantly, it introduced our new Black Panther, though definitely after a long process because being a grieving superhero isn’t all that easy. Shuri (Wright) has always been a very lovely character within the universe but this film really stepped up and gave her just the right amount of depth. You can’t help but feel along with her and although her character isn’t as cheerful as she has been, she still has her bright personality underneath all that grief, showing every now and then. The rest of the cast also once again give it their all, with Gurira, who plays Okoye, really taking the crown for me. The acting she did in certain scenes made the panic and pain visible through the screen and with it being such an emotional film, it hit even more.

Plot-wise, the new addition to the universe, with Namor (Huerta) and the entirety of Talokan, really shows how much there’s still in store. The villain was a very typical Marvel one, especially judging from the latest movies. You root for the main characters but somehow, it’s hard to really hate the antagonist. Aside from all the praise, the story’s writing may have been good enough, it still felt like a lot was going on but nothing was really happening at the same time. The film is pretty long and I enjoyed that, but sometimes a little more exploration of new characters and places could have been used.

Though the first movie is still more dear to me, I cannot wait for the sequel to grow on me as well. It’s definitely one of the better ones this fourth phase, and I’m nothing if not excited to see where the Black Panther is headed next.

[midnights-til-dawn]

Twisted Hate by Ana Huang Book Review

Twisted Hate by Ana Huang My rating: 5 of 5 stars Twisted Hate Page Update: 224/504 So far, Twisted Hate has made me NOT HATE reading again! I can't believe I've read half a book in the span of 2 days (it's a lot for me, okay…). This book is so good, I now understand the TikTok hype. Just to clarify, I haven't read any of Ana Huang's previous books so going into this as a standalone is definitely an option :D It's steamy, mysterious, well-written and the characters are actually complex. Page Update: Finished Firstly, I'd like to share some highlights -- these romance scenes were swoon-worthy! And this book really was a spicy rollercoaster.

Page 322: "But when I opened the third book, a slip of paper fluttered to the ground. I picked it up and a smile burst onto my mouth when I read the words scribbled in Josh's neat scrawl. Your favourite food but you have to make it. B3, s4. #10."

This is SO adorable, he organised a bookstore scavenger hunt for their first date!! I love how Ana Huang writes their romance in a way that is true to their 'hatred' for one another yet so goddamn sweet. The banter in between heartfelt scenes like the one before truly made for an amazing, intense, I-can't-put-this-down-and-it's-now-2-am--, reading experience.

Page 344: "I had closure, but no one told me closure was such a bitch. It clawed at my bones and ripped a bloody gash through my heart until every breath became a battle. But instead of trying to assuage it, I embraced it. Because even though pain hurt like a motherfucker, it proved you were still alive, and it was only after it faded that you could finally heal."

This scene of Josh visiting his father in prison and leaving after realising how his dad was beyond redemption in his ways, well, really hit hard. The perspective of his grief really added depth to his characterisation, and I assume maybe more insight into his perspective during Twisted Love? I found the exploration of this theme of grief and growth very touching, Ana Huang writes with such prose that allows readers to feel as if they're experiencing the characters as if they truly were real, flawed, beautiful and stupid (at times), human beings. The only gripe that I had with the book was honestly, the painting fiasco. I understand the importance of the painting being a symbolic plot device, a metaphor of wealth and a life Jules was desperately striving for, but it was awfully coincidental. This didn't detract from the fun I had whilst reading the climax of the novel. The part where

Jules steals Josh's painting for her ex-boyfriend who was manipulating and blackmailing her. See page 357 for the reveal. And the boy was the breakup painful after that all went down. How Josh treated Jules during page 402 really was shitty, but also at the same time Jules did do something shitty and stupid and the situation was quite nuanced. Not to say that Jules didn't deserve an apology, because she did! And I love how Ana wrote that scene (see pages 443-444) was ugh, so. heart. wrenching!! On the other hand, there were so many moments within this book where I was in love and overjoyed and not sad and heartbroken! For instance, I loved the characterisation of Jules - she's the kind of MC I love to see in New Adult novels. She's independent, witty, driven, smart and learning about her past slowly throughout the novel really added a layer of suspense. I could go on for ages, but honestly I would 10/10 recommend this book - the happily ever after and those spicy scenes are so well-worth the drama.

Tropes and Themes If you love these, you'll love Twisted Hate as much as I do! 1. Enemies to lovers 2. Forced proximity 3. Best friend's brother

View all my reviews

[everlasting-elegy]

Hello, this is my first time asking something and I just can say that I love so much your swapped! AU, maybe if your req is open, could you do the reaction of the brothers (of the swapped! AU) to the Replaced! AU? please

The last days I was reading a lot of this on tumblr, and I'm just want to know how the brothers would react to this.

It's okey if you can't do it, btw I love so much your works ^^

I'm sorry if there is a grammatical mistake, my main language is Spanish and I am still learning English, so I'm using google

Please don't apologise for your English, I understand you perfectly!! I'm also incredibly honoured to be your first ask, I hope you enjoy your time here 😊 A few people have requested it so here are just some quickfire headcanons on it~

Swapped!AU: Brothers React to the Replaced AU

In a world where the brothers are players of Obey Me! and you’re their favourite character, how would they react to the Replaced AU, a fanfiction trope where you turn against them in favour of someone else? Genre: Fluff, Angst (?) Word Count: 1.1k

Asmodeus

It may come as a surprise but Asmodeus is the most devastated out of all the brothers by this trope. It’s not obvious, he’d laugh it off but as someone who strives for validation - and you being the one he fell in love with - he can’t handle the thought of you turning against him

He tried to read it once though and curiosity killed the cat. He cried throughout the entire ordeal and changed tabs to read nothing but fluff for the next hour, unable to even finish the fic

If the fanfic has you insulting his appearance or that he's boring to be around, he'll be absolutely destroyed

Regrets ever reading it and never will touch the Replaced AU again. He’s embarrassed by how much a popular fanfic genre has sullied his mood but he will be pouty for the rest of the week and spending even more time than usual for self care

Beelzebub

Doesn’t like it at all, he simply has too much faith in you. It doesn’t make sense, you’ve spent so much time bonding and supporting the protagonist throughout the game, how could you suddenly change?

He tried reading it out of sheer curiosity but was quick to drop it when it didn’t pique his interest. No matter how justified or explained your sudden change in personality is, he still feels it’s unrealistic

This 'new' side of you isn't fun at all and it genuinely hurts him you being so hostile. He might have crushed his phone again just out of the urge to hug you

Is genuinely shocked at how popular the Replaced AU is but to each their own. He’d much rather go off playing the game or reading some fluff fanfics and that’s exactly what he does

Belphegor

Belphegor acts nonchalant about it. He isn’t fond of the trope (it’s a dating game, so why are people writing stuff where the love interests hate them?) but if a fanfiction is entertaining and well written he might as well give it a try

He finds it amusing at times. Like his twin, he doesn’t believe the trope is realistic since your good nature has been shown throughout the game, so it’s honestly no harm done by reading it

Actually enjoys the darker endings. He loves when the protagonist just chooses chaos and wreaks havoc on everyone in revenge for the pain they've felt

He has no preference for or against the Replaced AU in theory but started to avoid it when he had some unpleasant dreams of it. It’s inconvenient being woken up by it so he usually reads other fanfics instead

Leviathan

Despite knowing what the Replaced AU was all about and how much he didn’t like the thought of it, he read it. He wouldn’t be a true (Y/N) fan if he couldn’t handle some measly words!!

The first time he read it, he truly couldn’t handle it, it sent him down a spiral of his typical self-deprecating thoughts. Of course you’d hate him, he’s just a yucky otaku and now somehow the fanfiction community realised that-

Oddly enough, he finds himself coming back to read the trope. Maybe a poor part of him finds it the most realistic fanfiction out there for him, maybe he enjoys seeing you be envious of other characters interacting with the protagonist, seeing you pine for him like he pines for you

Luckily he only picks up the renditions of the Replaced AU that have a happy ending. Still, after finishing a Replaced AU fic he comes back to the actual game so he can see you smiling and appreciating him

Lucifer

Lucifer actually finds it amusing and entertaining. He rarely has time to read fanfiction but the Replaced AU became a bit of a guilty pleasure for him

Despite the protagonist being mistreated, he feels smug at the protagonist being morally right against all the unfair judgement, like a martyr of sorts as they still commit selfless acts. It boosts his pride

He finds it entertaining because Lucifer is excellent at compartmentalising. The you in the Replaced AU simply isn’t the one who greets him in the game, he’s able to appreciate the two separately

Another guilty pleasure aspect is when the Replaced AU ends in a power fantasy where the protagonist snaps and rules over all. He’d rather it just end with the protagonist being with you but this is a good alternative

Mammon

Mammon typically steers clear from the angst, he didn’t know what he was getting into when he started reading the Replaced AU and boy does he regret it

The instant he senses your behaviour is off in the fanfiction he’s distancing his face from the screen as if he's waiting for a jumpscare. When you get ruder and colder towards him he’s clicking away from the fanfic and is shocked to find mountains of fanfics just like the one he just read

You’re his comfort character, the one who has faith in him and would accept him no matter what. He can’t stomach a trope that goes against that so he couldn’t even finish the first Replaced AU fic he read (he might even block the Replaced AU tag so he never gets reminded)

Likely ranted in a post or two of how the trope slanders your character and calls it stupid. He’ll never admit that he thinks the Replaced AU is an interesting concept, he just wants his happy ending with you

Satan

Depending on how it’s written and its various interpretations, Satan is intrigued, both in the trope itself and how it took off in popularity

As an avid reader, he is aware that even the most mellow and kind-hearted people can snap in certain environments. If that environment is accurately portrayed, then the Replaced AU can be a fascinating deep dive into your character

As long as it’s well written and it’s clear care and thought was put into it, he’ll read any interpretation of the Replaced AU and is interested to see where it will go. For him, it’s less a self indulgent read and more a thriller to keep him on the edge of his seat

That being said, Satan is quite critical about the majority of Replaced AU fanfictions. He knows your character better than anyone and believes it will take a lot more than a second exchange student for you to ignore the protagonist entirely

Obey Me! Masterlist

[kaepop-trash]

Notorious: Act II

Rated: 18+ ONLY, Smut, Neo-Noir, Femme Fatale, Undercover Agent, Criminal, Exes to "Lovers", Mutual Pining, Cat and Mouse dynamics but make it hurt.

Pairing: JaehyunxReaderxJohnny

Summary: Inspired by Notorious (1946), Ever since your father went to jail for an illegal arms trade, a lot had changed in your life. Your present was about living with a tarnished reputation, the only redemption being a strange man who you agreed to help get to the root of the same trade that ruined your family. Still, just as you were adjusting to that very man, your past came back to haunt you. The only part of your past that had ever been happy till it wasn't, a part you could leave behind but never forget. But if Johnny was your past and Jaehyun your present, what would your future be?

Warnings: Emotional Manipulation, Sexual Manipulation, Questionable Dynamics; Toxic Dependency, Trauma Bonding, Romanticisation of all the above; Mention of Alchohol, Violence, Past Traumas, Unhealthy Relationships; Somewhat glorification of crime, Contraband

Word Count: 11.6k

(A/N): This is turning out to be rather painful to write. Ouch. On the plus side, I've really solidified an exceptional playlist through this fic. Really, at the end of the day, this fic is a sort of love letter to Samba and Bolero. Please this isn't meant to be aspirational, take the warnings seriously. I always strive to make my characters nuanced but these are deliberately messy people in horrible circumstances. Happy Halloween you guys, the biggest horror in life is loving illusions. I'll post the next part at some point in November. If you see everything I post, now you know why the favorite teaser of Johnny in the car hurts.

Act I | Act II | Act III

Taglist: @commentgirl @sadgirlroo @nak4m8to @babyksworld @milkyway-vxm

Jardim Botânico

A week later, Jaehyun and her strutted through the Jardim Botânico on horseback. She tried to stay still, heavily distrusting the flighty animal she currently sat on. Jaehyun clicked his lips and she looked up, following his gaze ahead.

A few metres in front of them, she saw the back of a head that she would recognise anywhere. Johnny was on a horse too, with another woman beside him.

She took in a nervous breath, her hand tightening on the reign. When the horse huffed, she realised her mistake and loosened her grip. From the corner of her vision, she could see Jaehyun note the situation. He always noticed every little thing.

She turned to him with a look of indifference, "I guess your plans won't work after all. He's with another woman." She scoffed.

"She isn't you." Jaehyun said simply. She didn't know what to make of that sentence. "Let's walk by him. He will notice you." Jaehyun pulled on his reign and she followed his movement. After a few trots they passed him by, her heartbeat picking up when she heard his voice after years. Johnny was saying something to the woman that made her laugh. (Y/N) couldn’t bring herself to look towards him.

(Y/N) passed by slower than Jaehyun did, slow enough to give Johnny a chance to notice her. But he seemed occupied.

She came up beside Jaehyun in the near distance. "I guess I'm the woman no one remembers." She scoffed under her breath as the two people passed them by.

Jaehyun gave her a thoughtful look, turning just in time to catch Johnny looking at her from the corner of his eye as he passed, his jaw flexing slightly. Jaehyun also noted the way Johnny Suh’s hold on his own reign tightened, the horse he sat on huffing. Jaehyun gestured at her to resume moving, slowing their pace. When they were at a considerable distance behind Johnny Suh, Jaehyun turned to her, taking a coward’s inhale and preparing himself.

Jaehyun looked over her face once, almost like he wanted to memorise it and tuck it away with the memories of the past year. Rio, he realised, would always be his favourite city. His lips seemed to tug on their own accord before he stopped himself. Sometimes the truth could be more cruel than a lie.

He gave her a resolute look instead, "Hold tight." He warned. Before she could question him, he whacked her horse with his flog. The already jumpy horse sped down the road as soon as he did. To Jaehyun's relief, she held on tight.

He watched Johnny turn with wide eyes the moment she passed by him, buckling up and racing towards her till he caught the restless animal. Jaehyun could only watch from the distance as she smiled at him, her smile being returned with equal intimacy by the man who just saved her. Jaehyun bit down on the flesh inside his cheek.

(Y/N)'s heart was still stuck in her throat when Johnny caught the reins of her horrible horse. For a moment, she was still too frightened to put up an act. She kept her head down, her hand clutching her chest as she tried to ease her nerves. Slowly she looked up, raising her brows in pretend shock.

"Johnny?" She gasped.

"Still getting in trouble I see. Good to know you haven't changed a bit." He laughed, giving her a smile that once had the power to take her breath away. Her heart picked up faster at the sight.

She gave him a sheepish grin, "I thought I'd try my hand at horse-riding again." She bit her lip. Johnny's eyes went to the movement, much to her relief and regret.

"After you broke your arm that summer in Spain?" He took his time looking up to her eyes, as brazen as he had always been.

"Especially because of that. You know me, never back down from a challenge." She smirked, petting the horse for good measure.

Johnny laughed, shaking his head. "You are the last person I expected to see here." He paused, a deep sense of nostalgia settling into his eyes, "You're the last person I expected to see at all." He sighed.

Her smile faltered for a moment, the way he looked at her made her cower with guilt.

She tried to bury it by scoffing, "I didn't expect to meet anybody when I moved here." She slipped the information in subtly.

Johnny's brows creased, "You live in Rio?" He questioned as he slid off his horse. Holding the animal by the reign, he came towards her and extended his hand for her to take.

Like the gentleman she remembered.

"I have for a year now."

Johnny's expression shifted again, "Since your father's trial." He gave an earnest look.

"Yeah." That was all she said. She took his hand, not faking her hesitation as she struggled to get off the horse. Johnny saw her reluctance, letting go of his horse to grab hers. She gave him a grateful look, swinging her other leg off, careful to avoid hitting the horse in its head before jumping off.

Johnny put his other palm on her waist, steadying her. He didn't let go once she regained her balance. She looked up at him slowly, the smirk he gave her still managed to make her blush.

"Have dinner with me." He said before she could say anything, adding quickly "Just dinner." There was a slight shake in his voice like he was expecting a rejection. The way they left things almost a decade ago hung between them.

She swallowed the fresh assault of guilt; instead, giving him a smile that was meant to beguile.

She lowered her voice to sound like an afflicted whisper, "I'd love to."

Quizas, Quizas, Quizas

When she walked into the restaurant, Johnny was easy to spot. It was always easy to spot him in a crowd. Even while he sat at a corner table, without his towering height to guide the eyes. He had the kind of aura that demanded attention, the kind of person who hushed a room when he entered.

As she walked closer without him noticing, she could see the smile on his face, one for himself. The kind of smile that she’d seen before, one of hope. She took a deep breath to steady her escalating nerves, each and every one of which told her that what she was about to do was a crime. It was a crime different from his, but a crime all the same. One she would definitely pay for one way or another. Her steps faltered for a moment, but she had nowhere to run.

Johnny looked up and their eyes met. Her throat dried up when he smiled at her, his eyes reflecting the chandelier and sparkling. Despite a conscious effort, her own smile was a weak one.

She didn’t know when she had sealed the fate she was suddenly face to face with. Was it when she decided to indulge Jeong Jaehyun’s smiles at that bar a year ago? The memory made her frown and she had to tuck that man’s face into the corner of her mind for now.

Maybe it was when her father was prosecuted and she thought the best way to drown that out was at a bar. Maybe her father was the one to blame for all of it.

Or maybe it was when she had decided to knock on Johnny Suh’s hotel room door all those years ago. Giving into a slowly growing itch that she should have never scratched.

Or maybe it was when she decided to accept his diamond ring while knowing that Johnny was a slowly growing eclipse and she was staring at him with naked eyes.

“You look beautiful.” Johnny spoke the moment she walked up to the table. She swallowed her heart when it jumped into her throat, warning it that it had no right.

She scoffed, a small smile lifting one corner of her lips, “You sound surprised.”

Johnny blinked, taken aback by the response. She could sympathise. Johnny was used to the shy, demure girl he knew from a decade ago. He was used to being the one with effortless confidence and playful remarks. In fact, she learned a lot of it from him.

Not one to back down, Johnny’s gaze turned playful. “Only because I didn’t expect you to look nice for me.” He raised a brow, his jab landing as he intended.

She didn’t show its effect, “The effort is for me. I don’t dress for other people.” She licked her lips, exhaling and letting a smile spread on her lips, “Especially not for men.” She traced her eyes from his feet back to his face.

Johnny laughed, getting out of his chair to pull her’s out. She took her seat, not thanking him for the act; something he noted with the way he looked at her.

“You aren’t at all how I remember you.” The statement was made without any bitterness.

She raised a brow at him, “Are you being willingly obtuse?”

Johnny flexed his brows, confused by the question.

She gave him an incredulous look, "I used to have a crush on you, Johnny. So like any teenager, I didn’t know how to behave in your general vicinity. Of course, it isn’t how you remember.” She scoffed.

Johnny parted his lips, before swallowing. “This is news to me.” His voice was grave, none of the previous humour in his eyes.

It was her turn to be surprised. She was sure he always knew, she was sure he held it over her with unabashed pleasure. She let out a short laugh to alleviate her own unease.

“I’m serious, (Y/N).” His forehead creased further. “I thought.” He paused, looking away and taking a shallow breath. His easy smile returned, “Nevermind this. I’m just glad to see you again.”

“Why?” She said before she could consider the repercussions. Johnny’s smile faltered. She sat back in her seat, taking a short breath and biting her tongue.

This was already a disaster.

She was supposed to regain his trust, his affection. Yet, to an uninformed party, it would look like she was currently doing her best to repel him.

Johnny’s eyes burned into her face, only looking away when the waiter came to take their order. She picked up the menu; having forgotten to select something. She ended up just picking the first thing she laid eyes on.

Johnny looked up at her, a frown settling on his face. “That has mushrooms in it.” He told her urgently.

She felt a flutter in her gut for the first time in a decade because of him. Johnny had remembered her allergy.

“ Right.” She cleared her throat, snapping her gaze back to the menu.

“She’ll have the octopus.” He told the waiter on her behalf.

She felt too flustered to tell him off for ordering for her. Even if it was a good guess.

“So,” Johnny spoke up after the waiter left, “Why Rio?” He kept his tone deliberately light-hearted. “When you used to talk about Peru, I thought you wanted to visit Machu Picchu.” He joked.

She cracked a smile, “I can’t believe I still haven’t done that.” She realised. It was the one thing she’d ever truly wanted in a life, where most things were either handed to her or were not things she was ever in the position to desire.

“Seriously?” Johnny sat back, intrigue colouring the terrain of his face. “You never stopped talking about it. When I saw you at the garden today I first assumed that you were stopping here on your way there.” His eyes shifted, so subtle that anybody who knew him less would miss it. “Finally free to do what you please.” His voice was heavier.

The bitter taste the words left in her mouth was reasonable. Being free was what she truly desired, and it was one of the things she was in no position to want. Even now, she was still a chess piece in someone’s larger plan.

She swallowed the thought, instead giving Johnny a sad smile. “Things don’t always work out how we want, do they?” The look he gave her made her bite her lip, realising only then the implications it had for him.

The waiter arrived with the food, giving her a welcomed relief from the harrowing situation. The whole ordeal was like being put into a blender with the past, being forced to confront things that made her happy, sad and ashamed all at the same time.

She turned to the waiter, singling in on a desire she could currently satisfy, “I want a Pinot Noir, please. Preferably an Australian one.” The waiter nodded.

“Red wine with fish?” Johnny looked amused.

“I don’t drink white wine.” She frowned, “Don’t say things like that in front of the waiter, you sound ignorant.” The waiter looked away at the words. Johnny laughed, a true laugh that was void of flirtations or bitterness. It made her chest cave in.

Once his laughter subsided, he sighed, “I missed you.” He unloaded the burden of the words.

“I thought you’d hate me.” She scoffed.

“Never did. Even when I was angry, even when I was sure I never wanted to see your face again.” He frowned like the very memory was unpleasant. “I realised that I’m not capable of hating you.”

She wanted to laugh, the irony too great. At the end of this, he would more than hate her. The man who was once the love of her life, even if it was because she had never loved or been loved before him. She still loved him, in a way that wrapped her in the madness of it before she could even get her feet on the ground.

And now she would be his ruin.

After he insisted on dropping her at her apartment, Johnny did not point out her sudden silence. She knew though, that he noticed. Johnny was always perceptive, he never missed anything. It was how he survived in his family.

Only when the engine of his car cut off did she realise that they were parked under her apartment. She straightened, turning to the window and then to him.

“Sorry.” She took a deep breath, acknowledging her own withdrawal before he thought too much of it. “I’m suddenly too reflective. You drove me home and I just gave you silence as a reward.” She stretched, too tired.

Johnny turned to her, clearly considering something. “A different reward then.” His face didn’t change. She gave him a deliberately lost look. “Go on a date with me. A real one this time. One where I don’t pretend like I’m not still crazy about you.” He sighed, looking relieved to say that.

Every part of her panicked at the words, at the desperate look in his eyes. A small part of her had hoped that this wouldn’t work, that he would hate her or be indifferent to her and she’d be absolved from the task she was set to do. She wanted to believe that Johnny had moved on. That, if he had changed as much as they claimed, this part did too.

“I’ve done nothing to deserve your continued devotion.” Her voice was small.

He smiled, one of self-pity, “I wish I could tell my heart that.” He scoffed. When he looked at her, the pity on her face made him reign in his openness, “Don’t do it because you feel bad for me, (Y/N).” His voice rose a little in volume. He stopped, looking away and taking a breath to calm himself.

Johnny pushed his hair back with a struggled groan, “Things will be different this time around. Neither of us has our family's expectations on our backs.” He turned back to her, eyes still unreadable, “I’m not the same person I used to be, I’ve had a chance to grow up. To stand on my own without anybody else’s version of me clouding my judgement. I learned that from you.” The smallest amount of softness returned to his eyes.

“You gave me the courage to be my own man.” He smiled, a delicate expression on his otherwise impassive face. “Give me a chance to show you that. Let me be that man for you.” He reached out to put a hand on her face. She hadn’t realised she was crying till his knuckles brushed the tears.

A cruel thought infiltrated her mind. She realised that irrespective of the real reason for her tears, it sold the part she was playing. She blinked away the tears that clung to the edges of her lids, the glittering drops falling off as she gave him a smile.

“A date.” She nodded. Johnny grinned too wide.

Jaehyun was lying on the lounger that faced the balcony overlooking the ocean, a glass of whiskey in his hand. He was tapping the glass rhythmically, eyes darting between the ceiling at the sky. He sat up at the clattering of keys and the unlatching of the door. The noise sounded through the room that was silent save for the rhythm of the crashing waves.

He heard her enter the kitchen, reaching out to switch on a lamp that stood beside him Jaehyun’s gaze trailed in the direction from which she emerged with a bottle of water in her hand.

His eyes traced over her once, the beautiful dress she wore and the way her hair brushed against her bare shoulders. Jaehyun cleared the rough grip in his throat from the whiskey, opening his mouth.

“Don’t speak to me, Jaehyun.” She spoke without giving him a glance. He shut his mouth. Her door slammed shut.

Jaehyun switched off the lamp, turning around to slowly lay back down in the position he was in before. A tortured sigh left his lips that Jaehyun replaced with the rim of his glass, tilting it back to empty the sharp liquid down his throat.

Insensatez

Her sunglasses shielded her eyes from the sun as she let the gentle rocking of the waves calm her nerves. It had caught her off-guard when he asked her to join him on his yacht for the day. But it had been three weeks since they first ran into each other and she was supposed to seem more willing.

For that reason she was inclined to say yes, Jaehyun’s Captain told her it was the right call to make. That was after Jaehyun dragged him to the Captain's house in the middle of the night when she told him about Johnny's plan.

She frowned up at the sky at a thought.

Jaehyun was vocally against the idea. Something neither her nor the Captain were prepared for.

He said it was too dangerous to be isolated in the open ocean with Johnny. A thought that didn't make her nervous till he had expressed it.

She wasn't used to being afraid of Johnny. Even when there were people with carefully collected data that told her otherwise.

(Y/N) prided herself as being someone who treated people the way they treated her. It was equally a consequence and assistance of the world she grew up in. After her mother died, her father was hardly around and she didn’t have any siblings. Being kind and friendly to the servants were equally an effect of how her mother raised her to treat people and a necessity of survival.

Johnny had always been, to her, the brightly glowing moment in the part of her life that would, otherwise, remain drenched in shadows.

She could go to him when her parents fought, he would fly her away when she couldn't stand to be in her house anymore. The Johnny she had known was a lot of things, as complicated as any person was entitled to be.

But he would never hurt her.

That, she told herself, despite everything else, she would not let them take away from her. There was little she looked back on from life fondly, the memories she made with Johnny were some of them. She was selfish enough to hold them close despite the knowledge of what he now was. It didn't change what he was to her.

She heard the sound of his footsteps reverberate through the hollow floors as he came out of the lower deck into the sun.

"Can you hear me now, Alec?" He spoke into his phone. She kept her head still, not turning towards him. "Yes, he agreed to the meeting. I'm on my way there." He was speaking loudly to get his message through the dwindling reception he was facing.

He never told her anything about a meeting.

The thought made her face twitch as she tried to stay relaxed. If he were to turn to see her, she would be as uncaring of matters of business as she had always been growing up.

Johnny sighed, the sound frustrated and curt. "I'll deal with him." There was a finality in his voice, like he knew what he was talking about.

This time she glanced towards him, noting the crease of his forehead and the angry flex of his jaw. She swallowed.

After Johnny hung up the call, he ran a hand through his hair, resting the palm on the back of his neck

"I'm sorry you had to hear that." His expression was sheepish, "It's all a part of the business." He sighed, a passing look of defeat in his eyes.

"You didn't tell me that you sailed me out into the ocean just to be a third wheel." She made her voice uninterested, the shades on her eyes helping the genuine air of indifference.

A smile crept up Johnny's lips: slow and salacious. "Did you have something else in mind?" His voice wasn't as clear in it's message as his face.

She bit the inside of her cheek. There was that matter, slowly harder to avoid. As the days went by, she kept herself coy yet at arm’s length. It was a good middle ground that made it easy to avoid his increasingly obvious advances while also remaining looking interested.

But Johnny was, as he always had been, a champion at acquiring what he set his eyes on. His own initial reluctance was gone and replaced by clear expressions of desire that were becoming harder to avoid. There was only so far she could go with feigning ignorance before he stopped humouring her.

She knew all of that. Yet she lost her nerve, looking back at the sky instead of keeping her eyes on him. "You said you'd take me to some quaint town on the coast. Just the two of us." Her voice was restrained yet obstinate.

Johnny padded closer to her, "It will be just the two of us." He promised, sitting beside her. "I need to stop at a nearby island to play golf with a difficult man I do business with. Once that is done," He leaned down, arms placed on either side of the cushioned seat she lay on, effectively caging her under his torso. "We will go to Paraty. We'll be there by sunset, I promise." He gave her a smile she once knew well, one of intimacy.

It made her grapple at the one thing she knew would ruin his mood. "You sound just like they did, you know? Framing a compromise like a victory." She frowned at him.

It worked. He pulled back, taking a slow inhale and looking at her like she had slapped him across the face. It was the price of knowing someone too long, knowing them too well. Your worst and best was equally theirs to yield.

"I'm not like either of them." His voice was void of any of his previous softness. "I would never prioritise a petty meeting over you." He scoffed.

"So you'll take me with you?" She sat up, pushing away from him. When he turned to look at her again, she knew she caught him. He had no way of saying no, he had to bring her along. And she had managed to find a way to get her information without coming off as too eager.

Maybe she was good at being a cruel schemer after all.

"It'll just be golfing." He blinked his gaze away, trying to sound like he was doing her a favour. "Patience and hours of business. It's literally your worst nightmare. You don't even like golf that much." He smiled.

She sat up further, finally getting out from under his towering form. "I'm better at it than you are." She retaliated.

Johnny laughed, a humorous sound that brought back the light in his eyes. "I've gotten better at it since then. I have to play it a lot now." He raised a brow at her, challenging her expertise.

"Because you're an important businessman now?" She cocked her head.

"Yes." He gave her a hollow smile.

"Okay, businessman." She gave him a kinder smile, a silent apology for what she felt compelled to say earlier. "Let's see if you get a better score than me."

Johnny's eyes danced with something different. "And, what do I get if I win?" He raised a slow brow.

She swallowed her alarm, "The satisfaction of winning, of course." Her voice came out deliberately smooth.

Johnny's eyes travelled down to her lips, the most blatant gesture yet. His tongue slid out to lick his own. Too slowly, he dragged his eyes back. Not giving her the change of pretending to not notice the gaze. "Of course." His voice was viscous.

She bit her lip, suddenly feeling breathless. The way her stomach flipped confused and terrified her. He got up after that, the distance finally letting her muscles relax. She took a slow, unstable breath.

Her demeanour clearly satisfied Johnny enough to put a smirk on his face. He gave her one last look over, eyeing the tight curves of her sundress.

His eyes were darker when they came back to her face. "Golf it is then, (Y/N)." His eyes were lucious, "Unfortunately, my associate must be the third wheel." His gaze narrowed the slightest bit, "Not too much like our fathers then?" His question was rhetorical at best. A bitter jab at worst.

She gave him a quick nod and he walked back towards the helm.

Negotiation

They sat at a table on a terrace above the course. Johnny sat beside her, both of them waiting for whoever he was meeting to show up.

She kept her eyes out on the course, pretending not to notice the way his eyes scanned her face. She wished she could pretend not to notice the way her guts twisted under his gaze.

"If you would have told me about this meeting, I might have actually come dressed for golf." She looked down at her inappropriate outfit.

Johnny laughed, amused by the distaste. "We don't have to play." He shrugged. "I would have enjoyed seeing you in a skirt though, for what it's worth." He thought about his words, looking down at her light blue dress, "You do look cute now."

She turned to him, taking off her sunglasses just to make her glare abundant. "Cute?" She gasped, "Do I look like some puppy to you?" She sounded exasperated.

Johnny shook his head, still chuckling at the exasperated look on her face. "Puppies aren't the only thing that's cute." He tried to reason, knowing well that there was no point.

Her frown only deepened, "Don't patronise me."

Johnny grinned, "Like anybody could ever patronise you, (Y/N)." He laughed. "Just take the compliment."

"No. I will take or reject compliments as I choose." She turned away from him, giving him a shrug.

Johnny's eyes sparked. He took a sharp inhale, "My my, you have become something else, haven't you? The (Y/N) I used to know wasn't this forthright." He toyed with his chair.

She turned back to him, "You’re so used to people agreeing to everything you say. Especially now that you're the owner of such a big company." Her words were sharp.

"I am." He smiled, unaffected by her tone. Turning to look over her shoulder once, before moving back to her face.

She looked away to the course, "Then you could use someone reminding you how people are when they aren't being paid by you." She shrugged. "Just in case you got used to it too much."

Johnny's eyes grazed her neck, "Gladly." He licked his lips, frowning. "But then, don't take a responsibility you aren't willing to see through for the long haul." His words masked an accusation.

Her frown faltered, making her turn to him with knit brows and nervous eyes.

"He's here." He pointed behind her.

She turned back, noticing a man walking towards them. He was close enough that she knew Johnny had been aware of his presence much sooner. He picked his time carefully, saying what he needed to say to her. That part hadn't changed.

“Let’s play some golf, Diego?” Johnny sat back, his eyes leaching of any kindness and replaced with business. The sudden change in his attitude made (Y/N) focus on him. This she realised was Johnny, the owner of a large shipping corporation.

Johnny who was groomed from the day he was born to get things done.

Diego gave him a shake of his head, “I want to keep this short.” His voice was subservient, but his face was a displeased twist of features. “I don–” He began. She noted his accent and the hesitant tone, clearly speaking in a language he wasn’t too thorough with.

“My companion was looking to a round of golf, Diego.” Johnny pointed at her, warning clear in his eyes. Whatever Diego was going to say, wasn't for her ears.

Diego turned to her, giving her a nervous bow. “Good afternoon.” His voice was guarded. Then he turned back to Johnny, “I’m here to talk about our contract. I wanted to look for a different shipping business. It makes more sense for me to find someone in Columbia, it is hard for the both of us to do business from across continents, Mr Suh. I hope you understand my reasoning.” He pulled out the chair between her and Johnny, sitting down with stiff movements.

It was disconcerting to see someone so terrified of something as simple as a contract. It was more disconcerting to realise that he was this terrified of Johnny.

Johnny sat up in his chair, giving the man a smile that didn’t look in any way polite. “I flew you down here because you said you wanted to talk, didn’t I? I’m also planning to be in Rio for the foreseeable future.” The man looked away from the overbearing gaze aimed at him, giving him a nod. “Have I not been a good business partner to you, Diego?” Johnny’s voice was clear in disappointment.

She noticed the way Diego’s jaw clenched as he looked to the floor. He gave Johnny another nod, “You’ve been very kind.” He didn’t sound like he meant it.

“And have I not made you very rich?” Johnny clicked his tongue. Diego nodded again. “So?” Johnny gathered his brows, “I think I deserve your loyalty for the long run, do I not? You were my first ally after the business fell to me, I’d be so very disappointed if you decided to end our otherwise fruitful relationship.” He sighed, “Considering everything we’ve been through.” Something else settled in Johnny’s features. The frown that built up, the flex of his jaw and his tone were all laced with warning.

She looked between the both of them, aware that there was a conversation going on between them that ran parallel to the one they were speaking. No doubt, the restriction was due to her presence.

“You’re right, Mr Suh.” Diego looked up, his face turned towards Johnny and obstructed from her view.

Johnny gave him a smile, “It’s unfortunate you didn’t join us for golf. (Y/N) is a formidable player.” He turned, the smile that he gave her making her realise that the previous one was not kind or genuine.

Then he turned back to Diego, the cool indifference back. “Nonetheless, Diego. Enjoy your stay at this resort, go home and take your family on vacation if you so wish." Johnny stood up from his chair, giving (Y/N) a look that told her to follow. "Call my accountant and she will deal with it. Consider it my appreciation for our long partnership. Hawaii is good this time of the year." He gave the man a last curt smile.

Despite the generous words, Diego looked anxious, tapping on the metal chair he sat in and not meeting Johnny's gaze.

She knew Johnny was intimidating. His general stature and the way his eyes could burn a hole through concrete made it hard to miss. But she always thought those were physical traits. The Johnny she knew was, on the contrary, very mild-mannered.

She looked up to give him a glance, noticing the way his jaw and brows were set tight and his breath had picked up subtly; very visibly angry once he was out of sight of the man he just coerced into keeping his business.

She bit down on her lip.

One of the reasons she had left him, in the foolishness of her youth, was that Johnny was too tepid in her eyes. That once the initial high of being with the person she had harboured feelings for all her adolescence had worn off, she couldn't find herself feeling much of a spark.

She looked away from Johnny's face, letting the guilt nip at her.

Those things had mattered to her at the silly age of 21, when you were expected by everybody to be an adult but deep down it was a hard transition to make so abruptly.

She thought about Johnny as he looked now, acquiring what he wanted from someone with a cool head and intimidating a person with just his mere presence. It was hard to gather how she felt about him now. Rather, she didn't want to explore it.

She knew though, that at 21, she would have felt the spark she so craved. That was the other thing she didn’t wish to explore.

They walked through the restaurant and towards the golf cart they crossed the course to the restaurant with. Johnny grabbed her hand when someone almost bumped into her in a hurry, keeping his hand in hers after. Like every other time today, she ignored the increased lilt of her heartbeat.

Johnny let out a deep sigh when they reached the golf cart. He turned to give her an apologetic grin, "I'm sorry. I didn't want to have you see that." He rubbed the back of his neck, his eyes turning gentle once again.

"Why?" She found herself asking naturally.

Johnny chuckled nervously, "It's something I have to do. Being harsh." He clicked his tongue, "It's necessary for business." He sighed again.

"Why is it necessary?" She squinted, speaking before thinking it through.

He looked up at her like he didn't expect her to ask that, taking a short breath. "Now that he finds himself a little richer than when we started doing business, he thinks he can ruffle me a little. Get a better position when I've already been very generous with him. It's the nature of negotiations, everybody wants to feel like they have a good deal."

She gave him a nod, the gesture making him relax slightly. "So," She shook her head, "Why didn't you give him something better?" She felt genuinely confused.

A frown settled on his features, "Because." She was a little taken aback by the sudden frigid tone. "If I give him a little more leeway now, he'll use it to ask for more later. And then more. And then eventually, so will other people once they hear that it's easy to push me around. It's not about the money, it's about the reputation I make for myself." He turned away from her.

"Okay." She whispered, still dumbfounded by the sudden resentment that settled in him. One seemingly aimed at her. "You know business was never my thing. I was just curious." She tried to soften her voice, lace it with a soft plea.

When Johnny turned back, his eyes were softer too. She exhaled, not realising she was holding her breath.

"I know." He gave her an accommodating smile, "Which is why I'm sorry you had to see that. I don't want you to see that side of me." He sneaked his hand into hers again, looking down at it with wistful eyes. "I just want you to remember me as I was." There was a sudden twitch on his lips, confusing her further. He looked back up at her with a mysterious gaze, "And see me as the person I am now, grown and more confident. Not the 'puppet of expectations' you couldn't stand to be with." His eyes were unreadable.

She blinked, "Who told you that?" Her heart picked up impossibly fast.

"Your cousin did." He paused, considering something. "When I slept with her." He rubbed his thumb against her palm, not looking away.

Blood rushed into her head so fast she thought it would pour out of her ears. "You slept with my cousin?" She tried to keep the anger and hurt out of her voice. She tried to erase the image the words gave her.

"Does that bother you?" He spoke back, eyes scanning over her face.

"No." She said too soon. Unlike him, her face had always given her real feelings away. A horrible trait that she found deplorable at the moment.

"My parents wanted me to marry her, you know?" He leaned against the golf cart, fingers reaching back to brush against a golf club, "You know how small the pool is in our circle." He scoffed.

She tucked that thought away somewhere deep in her head, refusing to deal with the way jealous rage and betrayal raged through her.

'You aren’t allowed to feel anything after what you did to him, she reminded herself.

Instead, she focused on what was at hand, "Why did she tell you that?" She realised she was closer to him by her own accord, her own steps leading her to him to get a good look at his eyes.

"I guess she thought it would make me hate you enough for her to have a chance." Johnny shrugged, nonchalant like he wasn't talking about something so hideous.

"I didn't mean it." She blurted out.

That was one of the rare times she saw pure rage in his eyes. Different from the ice-cold rage towards the man he just subdued. This rage was white-hot, held back but still rolling under the surface like magma in an allegedly dormant volcano. With the threat of burning everything in its path if unleashed.

"Spare me the pity, (Y/N)." He scoffed, his forehead creasing with irritation. "I stopped being bitter about it a long time ago. I took your words for the truth they were and learned from them." He paused, taking a step back from her and taking a slow breath.

His voice came out softer this time, "You were right anyway, I was always what everybody needed me to be. Obedient to my father, well-behaved to my mother, polite to the world." He turned back to her, a bitter smile lifting his plush lips, "And futile to you." He looked away, scoffing. "I didn't stop to think that being the idea of a perfect person had its cost." He shook his head.

"No." She stepped closer, "I didn't mean it, Johnny. I don't think you were futile. You were the only kindness I had in my life. I said that because everybody wanted an answer from me and I didn't have a real one. I was just a fool and I was scared of settling down so I said what I didn't mean." She blinked, a lump taking purchase in her throat that she couldn't swallow down. It was the truth. There were too many reasons that had ended with her making the decision she did, none of them were about him not being a good man.

She was close enough now to put a hand on his chest. Her mind still swimming with everything he said. "Please tell me you didn't just stop being a kind person because of my cruelty. Please." She urged. The weight of her words was much worse with the knowledge she had of him. Johnny the sweet boy with stars in his eyes and dreams of a picture-perfect family life, now a man who was dealing in war.

"No." He said plainly, "I changed for the world I was in, for the shoes I had to fill." He put his hand on hers, "I still can't help that part of me that wants to protect you from the world. I realised that when I saw you terrified on that horse and thought that if something happened to you then I'd kill that beast without a thought." He squeezed his eyes shut and took another angry inhale. "Through the years I'd daydream about all the things I'd say to you if I saw you again." He opened his eyes again— large and soft eyes. "Confused things, questioning things, forgiving things, even cruel things."

He pushed a stray piece of hair away from her face with his other hand. "But when I saw you that day, none of that mattered. You were you and I felt 17 again, my heart beating in my throat when you looked up at me with wide eyes." He dragged his hand away slowly, fingers brushing against her neck.

There was a silent plea that settled in his eyes, "I am still your Johnny, (Y/N). I realised that day that I never stopped being your Johnny. I'm just," He paused, searching for the right words. "More worldly. I just had to change for the world." He tried to give her a weak smile that was meant to convince her.

She wanted to scream at him. Tell him that she absolutely did not deserve that. She also wanted to tell him that changing yourself for anything other than yourself would leave you barren. Nobody knew that better than she did. But her hands were tied. So she looked down and nodded, a soft sigh leaving her lips that spelt out her defeat.

She was taken aback when his arm wrapped around her shoulders in an embrace, their intertwined hands on his chest making an awkward angle and poking into her sternum.

"It doesn't matter, you know." He mumbled into her hair, letting her hand go to hold her properly, "Your cousin's words didn't make me hate you. It finally made me realise what I needed to do to be a better man for you." His other hand came to her back.

He took a slow inhale of her hair. "I spent years doing just that. Being my own man so that I could find you one day and show you." His lips brushed against her cheeks, "That I deserve you." He kissed her.

Her back went so impossibly rigid that she thought it would shatter if met with the mildest force. On one hand, her eyes welled up at his words, the liability he imparted on her for a whole decade without her even knowing. The sheer weight of the responsibility she never asked for crushing her like his embrace currently did.

On the other hand, her heart hammered in her throat and her stomach churned at the feeling of his lips on hers. The feeling, equally familiar in experience and foreign in knowledge.

He was still the Johnny she knew, the Johnny she had once loved when she could love nothing else in the world. But at the same time, he wasn't that person at all anymore. He was something that was a product of being put together after life shattered him after she shattered him. A hastily reformed version of what he once was.

When he pulled back, she realised that she had not responded to his kiss. Her mind had wandered off somewhere unreachable instead.

Hurt and anger coloured his soft golden eyes, making them a dark murky brown. They made her at once, regrettable and fearful.

"Take me home, Johnny." She blurted out, suddenly apprehensive in his presence.

The nod he gave her was distressingly cold, his eyes like they were when intimidating his associate.

The entire time after, he didn't speak a word. The boat ride and car ride were excruciatingly long and they were spent in silence that built into a crescendo of nerves. Johnny felt like a ticking time bomb as his anger radiated off him throughout the journey. As they got closer to her apartment, the clock in her mind seemed to speed up.

He turned off the ignition under her building. Despite knowing it was a terrible idea— a risky invitation— she turned to him with a silent plea. She needed to hear something from him, it was better than this silence that rang in her ears as loud as a gong.

She knew she should just leave it, but (Y/N) hated silence. She had learned, through life, to assess what a person was feeling without needing words. But Johnny was always the person who expressed everything he felt, it was a reassuring force in her life.

She took an unsure breath, "Johnny." She whispered.

He turned a scowl to her, "For weeks now, you've been acting like you could be interested in me. That you could fall for me again. Me." He pointed towards his chest, "As the person I am now. Finally free to be myself." His forehead creased further, "I even had the gall to think that we were starting anew. You were you and I was me and we could fall in love again." He turned away, hitting the steering wheel with considerable force.

She jumped in her seat, leaning away from him.

Johnny laughed, the sound bitter and drenched in acid. "But you." He laughed harder, "You're still as selfish as you always were. Just using me to quell a different curiosity this time. Till you're ready to discard me again." He leaned back on the seat. "But you can't even stand to have me touch you." He turned to look at her, eyes clamped shut. "Still can't stand to be with me?" He questioned.

"That's not what this is." She finally found her words.

Johnny laughed again, a crazed sound. "Is it not?" His face turned into one of anger, "Is it really fucking not?" His shout rang in the small space, making her wince.

She saw the release in his countenance, sounding like it was an anger he was holding onto for a long time.

She looked at him with her own anger this time, tired of feeling pity for him. "No, it's fucking not!" She shouted back with equal ferocity. "You think it's easy for me?" She pushed closer to his seat. "I'm being selfish?" She laughed, "I'm only thinking about you! Leaving you was the worst thing I've ever done to another person. There wasn't a day that I didn't live with that guilt. That I wasn't aware that I not only broke your heart, but crushed every dream you had of your future. Of our future." She looked away from his face, not being able to stand it.

Her cheeks flushed warm from her rage and made sweat bead on her forehead. "To date I've never been in a serious relationship because I still live with the ghost of the look on your face when I gave you your ring back. I don't want to have that power over anyone anymore. I'd rather die alone than be the reason someone ever has that look on their face. I wasn't reluctant because I can't stand you!" She turned back to look at him, "I'm just scared of what will happen to you if I was selfish!" She heaved, her words holding more weight than she had intended.

When Johnny opened his mouth to say something, she beat him to it.

"You think it's easy to know that after everything you still want me? The guilt claws at me from the inside." Her voice cracked, "It's worse knowing that you want to touch me. The memories of us, what we were. How it felt to feel you everywhere, in every crevice of my mind and body." She took a shaky breath, "You're the one who’s selfish, Johnny." The words came out calm, a moment of clarity.

She took a deep breath, "You think you're over it. So you want me to pretend like everything is fine. I'm sorry for hurting you once, I really am. But you need to consider that it was hard for me to do it too." He furrowed his brow but she didn't stop, "It's easier to hate somebody you once loved than to live knowing that the person who was the love of your life once, hates you." She turned her face away from him, pulling at the handle of his car to leave.

When the door didn't budge she hit it with so much force that her palm ached. A frustrated groan left her with the first stray tears.

“Open the fucking door!” She hit the window, a yelp leaving her lips when her palm stung more.

"You make everything about yourself. You always have." Johnny whispered, “Even breaking the only heart I’ve ever had has to be about how it sucked for you.” The sound of the door unlocking made her stumble out into the open air. As soon as she banged the door shut loudly he drove off.

She stood there for a moment, the fresh air making the last few moments hit her with clear understanding. She dragged a shaking hand through her hair, realising that she had just massively fucked up.

In her rage, she had forgotten about why she had reacquainted herself with him in the first place. Instead, she let his words get to her and then did what she always managed to do. She let her fury and impulse ruin everything.

She took a shaky breath, turning to look up at the apartment building.

"Shit." She mumbled to herself.

When she walked into the apartment, Jaehyun stood up from the couch and rushed towards her.

"What happened? It's been so long since you were gone I was so worried." He came to her, searching her face for clues her silence wasn't giving him.

He squinted at her face, cupping his cheeks in his hands and lifting her head to look at her, "Are you okay? Did he do something to you?" His voice raised in anger. "Tell me, (Y/N). Did he hurt you?"

His loud voice made her wince, "No. I'm fine." She mumbled, trying to get out of his hold.

He leaned in and kissed her, the shock of the action leaving her mouth half open and letting him slide his tongue into her mouth. She stood with her hands by her side, frozen. His arms slid down her arms to come to her waist.

Slowly he pulled away just enough to speak, "I was so worried. If something happened to you I'd kill him myself." He mumbled close to her lips, foreheads touching.

Something about the familiarity in those words made her frown. She put a hand on his chest to push him away, he resisted.

"I'm fine." She mumbled, her voice distant and frigid. "He didn't do anything." She groaned, "Please." She pushed him with more insistence, "Just move. I can't do this, not right now. I'm so very tired." Her voice became impossibly fragile. "I can't do this with you right now." Jaehyun took a step back, much to her relief.

She slipped out of his sweltering hold on her waist and walked away to her room, locking herself in and releasing all the emotions she was holding back. She slipped to the floor and buried her head in her knees, crying softly into her knees so Jaehyun couldn't hear.

Captain

“So now what?” The Captain frowned at the conference table.

(Y/N) sat up in her chair, turning a quick glance towards Jaehyun. He sat on a table in the corner of the room, eyes narrowed on her but absolutely silent. She thought about his words from last night, the anxiety in his voice. It made her scoff. His kiss still warmed her lips when she thought about it, it made her turn away from him.

“He’ll call me after he’s had time to deal with his anger.”

The Captain looked up at her, his frown now aimed at her. “When will that be?” He demanded.

She frowned back at him, “I don’t know. I can’t read minds.”

“Yet you’re certain he will call you? How do I know you haven’t already ruined this?” He rudely questioned.

“I can’t read his mind, Captain. But it shouldn't be hard for you to comprehend that I understand someone I've known for years.” She paused, wondering if it was even fair to talk about what kind of person Johnny was to people who didn’t care.

She sighed, “He can’t think of anything other than himself when he’s angry. But that’s only when he’s angry. He’ll come around.” She explained.

The man groaned, “You shouldn’t have compromised the mission like this, (Y/N).” His tone was one made to elicit guilt. Unfortunately, she wasn't going to fall for it.

She raised a brow, “So what? You wanted me to just give in? Sleep with him for your intel? When I wasn’t comfortable with it in that situation?”

The Captain straightened up, discomfort painted on his face. All three of them in the room knew that it was exactly what they had prepped her to do. But as men usually did, they also shielded themselves with a fake sense of modesty. One she would not let them keep as long as she wouldn't be allowed to keep hers.

“You’re the one on the field, Miss (Y/L/N).” He squirmed in his chair, avoiding her eyes. “I thought you understood that there were sacrifices that were necessary for the greater good.” His voice was a murmur.

She turned to Jaehyun instead of keeping her eyes on the infuriating man, “So I need to sleep with him?” She questioned.

The Captain shifted in his seat, “You were engaged to him. It’s not like he’s a stranger.”

She bit down on her cheek, “So I am to bed him so you can ruin the life of the man I should have been married to?” Her eyes burned into Jaehyun’s. His jaw flexed and an unspoken emotion passed his eyes. But he said nothing.

She gave him a bitter smile. She was a fool to think he’d protest, the events of last night now faded in her mind.

“Fine.” She turned back to the Captain. “For the greater good, I suppose.” Her tone was sarcastic.

The man gave her a small nod. “We’re grateful for your sacrifice. So are all the people whose lives you will save as a result.” His eyes didn’t meet hers again. She let out a sardonic chuckle at his words.

Moonlight in Rio

She was sitting on the chaise lounge in the sitting room that overlooked the large balcony facing the coast, listening to the waves crash in the distance and swirling the whiskey in her glass. She watched as it got watered down by the melting ice. It was a rare rainless day with clear skies. As the evening drew in, the air still refused to cool down with no winds in sight. The heat only added discomfort to her already burdened state of mind. She held her glass against her neck, the condensation on it soothing the skin and making her sigh audibly. It was late evening and the apartment was empty, something she was grateful for.

It had been a week since she had last seen Johnny and it had come to the point where it was a stifling thing to think about it. The thing she didn't mention to anybody else was that while she did know Johnny very well, how much of that existed in who he was now was a matter of contention.

She sighed, taking a fresh swig of her liquor.

Johnny would be justified in not having any more patience for her. He would be justified for not being the person to apologise first, something he had always done before. Sometimes to a fault.

Puppet of Expectations.

The words burned her throat more than the whiskey in her glass. She remembered how it felt between the time she cancelled their engagement and the time she left home for good. She remembered how everybody kept reminding her that she let go of the perfect life. She still remembered the bitter taste in her mouth, having other people talking about her future life like they knew exactly how it would go.

In the years since she had learned not to regret it. She had a strong feeling then that it was inevitable. Johnny and she liked each other, they were infatuated with each other. But none of those things were grounds to be married to one another.

Infatuation faded. She couldn't be like the women she grew up around, she couldn't live with someone while they barely tolerated or outright hated each other. But the events of last week left her feeling the one thing she hated feeling above all else— doubt.

It was a catch 22. One hand, the Johnny she saw now made her feel an odd stir in her chest that was both familiar and entirely new. Maybe it was age, maybe it was experience. The catch was that a lot of those things he would never have if she hadn't left. This she knew. Johnny would never change anything unless he came to realise that the old situation no longer served him. It was that adaptable nature that ensured his survival in the world that perpetually threatened to strangle her.

She scoffed, realising none of this mattered. While she had to lie to Johnny and convince him that she was willing to try again, lying to herself risked crossing a line that was never defined to begin with. Not when it came to the man whose ring she once wore on her finger.

She took another long gulp, bottoming the glass out. She lifted herself off her seat to walk to the table at the corner of the room that she had arranged as the handy bar. Instead of trying to keep up any pretense to herself, she lifted the entire bottle and walked back to where she sat, pouring herself a fresh glass.

Just as she finished the drink, the sound of keys jangling announced Jaehyun's arrival. She poured herself another when the door opened.

As usual, he walked through the sitting room without switching on a light. She kept her eyes on the stray glow of the moonlight on the granite floor of the terrace, willing herself to focus on the crashing of waves against boulders instead of the sound of his footsteps stopping in the middle of the living room.

Jaehyun hadn’t mentioned the matter at hand at all since the night she came back from seeing Johnny. His words to her were rare necessities and very curt. Something she did not have the energy to linger on. She could help people by doing this, it was what she kept reminding herself every day.

But another part of her, a smaller one that was shouting out at her, felt that she would be relieved if Johnny never did contact her again. She wanted to wash her hands off this, she didn’t want to be the person who nailed his coffin— no matter how bad they claimed he was. She didn’t want the Johnny she had in her memories to be replaced either.

She took a sip of her alcohol, feeling it warm her insides as the gracious wind finally picked up and cooled her skin.

The situation that existed between Jaehyun and her was always too volatile to be addressed. Currently, it was best left untouched. When his footsteps closed in on her, she filled her empty glass and drank it down rather rapidly. Hoping fruitlessly that it would do something to dissipate the way her heart pounded against her ribs in his presence.

He sat down beside her, extending his arm towards her. When she looked down, he held a glass between his lithe fingers. She turned to look at him, earning a pursed smile. She looked away immediately, ignoring the way his hair was pushed away from his face hastily and his eyes looked disoriented with exhaustion.

She filled his glass higher than could be considered polite.

He didn't complain, shifting to face the balcony like she did. She heard him take soft sips of his drink, sighing after the warmth no doubt settled into his stomach. After a moment the silence that was present in the room longer than he had been, suddenly made itself deafening. It made her wonder of things that were better left untouched and wish that she had switched on some music earlier.

Once she noticed him empty his glass from the corner of her eye, she picked up the bottle to fill both their glasses.

When she placed the bottle back on the table, he spoke. The sound surprised her. "Why did you break up with him?" Jaehyun asked like he was enquiring about something trivial. His voice was a velvety murmur.

"I didn't want to be part of a package.” She frowned into her glass. That was the first time someone had actually asked her that question, “I didn't fit in the perfect house with a perfect family because I was never going to be a perfect wife." She took a more restrained sip of her drink this time, realising that the alcohol that currently rested in her belly and coursed through her veins were making her spill things she never otherwise said.

"What do you want then?" His question was a simple inquiry, turning his chin towards her but not looking at her.

"I just want to live. Be free and do whatever I decide on the day is worth living for." She shrugged.

"That can't be a fulfilling life." Jaehyun mumbled.

That made her turn to look at him, "I don't care." She scoffed, "I'm going to live as long as I have to, enjoy what I can and then die just like everybody else must. What's the point of finding fulfilment?" She questioned.

“It makes life worth living, I suppose.” Jaehyun shrugged, taking a swig of his drink.

“Life isn’t worth living. We just do it because we don’t have a choice.” She took a longer gulp of her own drink, the familiar lull returning. “I’m not delusional about life having a goal or a meaning. Not anymore.” Her voice came out gruff as the liquor burned.

Jaehyun turned to face her, “So there was a time when you did believe otherwise?” His forehead creased as he carefully assessed every little twitch on her face, searching for a tell.

She frowned at him, “Am I being interrogated right now?” The words were spat out.

Jaehyun’s own features twisted in disgust. “Not everything has malicious intent. I just want to know something about you.” He huffed, irritation clear in his voice.

“Why? So you and your boss can strategize ways to use my past as leverage?” When Jaehyun looked shocked by the insinuation, she laughed. “I cannot believe you! How dare you look insulted? Doesn’t it bother you at all, doesn’t it make your blood boil? Do you not care?” When her voice came out louder than intended, his eyes softened. It made her look away from him rather harshly. She shifted, needing to increase the space between them. The whiskey combined with the ambient temperature made the back of her neck feel warmer, further vexing her.

“It’s my job, (Y/N). I have a duty that I care about.” He sighed like he was talking to a child.

She turned to give him a harsh look, “And what about me?” Her voice thundered in the dark. For a second, both of them looked at each other in surprise. “Don’t answer that.” She blinked, voice lower but more clipped.

“(Y/N)–” Jaehyun reached out slowly, shifting closer.

“I said don’t answer.” She increased the space between them. “I’m going to come to terms with this eventually, I will. Till then let me wallow.” She lifted her glass to her lips.

Jaehyun stopped moving, leaning against the other side instead, “He still hasn’t called you.” Jaehyun turned to the balcony in front of them. “What will you do when he does?” Despite the lack of an expression on his face, his grip on the glass tightened.

“Stop wallowing.” She scoffed, “Don’t worry, I was raised to be some man’s property someday, selling a narrative is a skill I am well-versed in. I’m uniquely qualified for this task.” She laughed to herself, realising for the first time how true that statement was. She watched all the women in her life put themselves aside for the service of a performance. She even knew which role she had to play for Johnny.

“People aren’t property.” He mumbled more to himself.

She turned to him with a light smile, “I didn’t say they were. I said I was raised to believe so.” She shook her index finger at him like she was correcting a child.

Jaehyun turned his entire body towards her, his knee lifting at brushing against hers, “What will you do?” His whisper was afflicted.

Her eyes took in the sight of him in the sparse moonlight, clad in a slightly loose suit that was meant to fit him better at a time when his body was used to more action than the past year had demanded from him. “It’s so warm, how are you sitting in that?” She pointed at the thick black jacket he was in.

A soft puff of air left his lips, meant to be a scoff. He took the jacket off, placing it on the arm of the lounger. His white shirt looked translucent even in the dark room.

She looked away from him again, “He’s angry at me. He’s hardly angry, he doesn’t like being angry because it consumes him. So right now he hates me for being the reason he can’t think straight.”

“And how will that change?” He tilted his head, leaning it against his shoulder.

“He will take his time to wallow.” An ironic smile traced the corner of her lip, “Once he runs out of his self-pity, he will come back. He’ll still be mad, still hate me. But he embraces it, every time without fail.” She took a deep breath, looking down to her glass, “He isn’t afraid to love and hate in tandem.” The smile faded, the words making previously unspoken sentiments— tangible, inescapable.

“What will you do?” He repeated his question, “Not him, you.”

She considered the words, turning it around in her head and observing it like an ornament. When she looked up, Jaehyun was watching with slow patience.

“I’ll apologise the only way I can.” She blinked.

“How?” He sat up under her direct gaze.

“With action, I’m not a person of many words.” She said.

“Neither am I.” He admitted with a soft ease she hadn’t seen in him before, “Show me.”

“Show you what?” Her brows furrowed.

“How you’d apologise.”

She took a crumbling breath, placing her glass down and pushing closer to him. Jaehyun sat up further, both their breathing matching in tempo and drowning out the thrashing of the sea. She brushed the back of her fingers against his chin, eyes exploring his face. With his legs as a reassuring barrier, she leaned closer to his face. Jaehyun met her halfway, their lips ghosting a gentle touch.

“Hopefully, it works.” She whispered the joke more tenderly than she was prepared for.

“It does.” He murmured back, arms wrapping around her thighs to bring her against his chest. Their lips crushed against each other but he didn’t make haste, slipping his tongue into her mouth tentatively. For a moment, her arms hovered over his shoulders, startled and breathless by the sudden move.

He peppered kisses against her mouth, the gesture making her chest flutter and her fingers slip into his hair. When he groaned at her touch, she knew that this was only going to get more brutal.

Instead of pulling away, she angled his head up to deepen the kiss. His arm wrapped around her waist and pinned her in place, closer against him. He picked her up like that, her back hitting the armrest on the other side of the lounger as his lips kissed her cheek, then her forehead.

“When you’re with him.” His words came out heavy with his rapid breaths, “Think about this.” He kissed her forehead again. “About us.” He looked down to her eyes, his gaze dripping with affection, “Think about me.” His lips brushed against hers again, dreading her answer.

[bottleblondefeelingconned]

I find it interesting that a large amount of aromantic people seem to favour DSMP!Tommy. I'm aroace, and C!Tommy is my favourite character, and when I look online, I find a lot of other people on the aromantic spectrum who love him as well. People like to headcannon him as aromantic as well.

The fact that his story centres around platonic and familiar bonds, both healthy and not, rather than any romantic plot add to this. When was the last time I got to see a piece of media centred around a teenage boy that didn't focus on romance or sexual attraction with a girl? Instead, we get to watch the frayed relationship with his brother figure Wilbur, who went from genuinely loving Tommy to blowing up "his L'manburg". We see the unhealthiness and toxic relationship between him and Dream, with actual, canonical abuse that Tommy suffered. Seeing toxic platonic relationships like this is amazing. And let's not forget the complete mess that is Bedrock Bros; viewing someone as an older brother, or at least protector, only for that to not be reciprocated? I mean, "pog, hated that guy anyways"? Since when does media put importance on non-romantic relationships like this? Especially relationships with men?

CC!Tommy, you're doing an amazing job! I, and a lot of people like me, can't connect the romance. But we can all see ourselves loving a friend, a sibling, a hero, and not having that love return. I can actually relate to C!Tommy.

Plus, let's not forget clingyduo. I love clingyduo. A genuinely loving platonic relationship between two guys? "What am I without you?" "Yourself" and "Tubbo's not a follower" and "hold my hand". Tommy facing Technoblade for Tubbo in the Pit and Tubbo taking a rocket from Technoblade to save Tommy on Doomsday. The love they have for each other. I have never loved anyone romantically, have never felt like I was floating or felt butterflies in my stomach as I thought of future children. But I do love my friends, and I do love them more than I love myself.

And than Tubbo meets Ranboo, which is good, because Tubbo deserves to be happy, and Tommy thinks so too. But it does hurt. It hurts to love someone so wholeheartedly, to love someone at the expense of yourself, and then for that person (from Tommy's perspective) to move on, to no longer being able to stand by their side, because they have someone else now. To love and love and love someone, with all of your heart, but you can't love them THAT way, but they love someone else THAT way, and someone else loves your friend THAT way, and you're happy for them, but fuck does it hurt that you've been left behind. They're number one to you, but you come second to any spouse and children. And you're happy for them, you are, but you can feel your heart in your throat and everything feels like it's burning.

I can't relate to a romantic breakup, but a platonic friendship fraying at the seams? We've all experienced that.

Feel free to add your own experiences and thoughts as well. I can only talk from my experience, but there's so many more people who can relate to C!Tommy. Super props to Cc!Tommy for that!

So yeah, sorry for rambling everyone. Huge thanks to Tommyinnit for giving me this amazing, complex, introspective character who has flaws but still strives to be a good person. Who finds himself in abusive relationships (C!Wilbur, C!Dream and C!Technoblade - I'm sure the CC's are great), and rescues HIMSELF out of them. Thank you so much for giving me a character I can relate to and has repeatedly ripped my heart out, spat on it, and kicked it back in just so I can experience the pain all over again. Thanks for giving me a character I can actually relate to.

Also, read this. Because if I have to suffer so do all of you: https://archiveofourown.org/works/32053534

Feel free to add your own thought and experiences! Thanks for reading!

[tomorrow-and-tomorrows]

SNK 139.5: Towards the Final Pages with no Final Answers

The final pages of the updated ending are bold, but I think ultimately more evocative than the original preliminary ending.

Even after the intensely polarized reader reception that took issue with the lack of storytelling precision and clarity when it was most needed, SNK chose to end with a decisively ambiguous symbol. In literature, a symbol is something that clearly means something -- but with the most "literary" symbols, their meaning cannot be absolutely defined; any attempted answer as to what a symbol represents has no finality or certainty, and interpretation will remain ever open to debate. A symbol both invites and resists interpretation.

Naturally, the immediate response to the symbolic tree on the final page is to try answering the invitation to the question, "What does it mean?"

One prominent answer I've seen is that it symbolizes the continuation of the cycle of war and violence either because a) of the symbolic parallel to Ymir or b) on a more literal level, that it implies the actual potential revival of new era of Titans. A reasonable interpretation either way, but also, I think, an incomplete one.

The first reason for this is that "the endless cycle of war" was already clearly and powerful represented in the preceding panels:

The cycle of war was already continuing in the decades or centuries before the child arrived at the tree. A culminating image symbolizing the persistence or resurgence of an era of war as the final panel would thus arguably be redundant and unnecessary.

Furthermore, the chapter is entitled "Toward the Tree on That Hill." If the tree were simply a symbol of war, by implication the chapter could equally be called 'toward the endless cycle of war'. But such a relentlessly bleak and tonally flat ending sentiment would be firmly incongruous with the story's recurrent conviction in the equal cruelty and beauty of the world -- a conviction that I believe it has been faithful to all the way to its end.

The Long Defeat

But while on this topic of war, let's linger a moment on the "cruelty" side and the consequence of this wordless construction and subsequent destruction of a city -- the most bold and possibly controversial additional panels that are also my personal favourite additions.

One objection that has emerged against this brief sequence of Paradis' apparent destruction is that it renders the entire story to be "pointless". Eren's 80% Rumbling, Armin's diplomatic peace talks between the remnants of the Allied Nations and Paradis, and before that, the proposal of the 50-year plan and Zeke's euthanasia plan... everything, to the very beginning to the Survey Corps' dreams of some kind of freedom; was it all for nothing? All that striving, that hope, that final promise bestowed upon Armin: was it all a pointless story? Even more radically, is the story suggesting that Eren might as well have continued the Rumbling to 100% of the earth? Was Zeke's euthanasia plan the cruel but correct choice all along? What was the point of rejecting the 50-year plan if that had a greater chance of success at preventing this outcome?

I think Isayama suddenly pulling back to such a long-term view of history to the scale of decades or even centuries into the future calls for a reorientation in attitude towards exactly what kind of story we have been reading. Yes, if the metric is Paradis' survival, maybe it was indeed all "pointless". But that's also to say that, on the broadest scale, SNK is a story about futility, that it is a deliberate representation of the struggle to make one's actions historically meaningful.

In the long view of history, all the events, from Grisha running beyond the wall to see the airships and the first breaking of Wall Maria to Erwin's sacrifices, Paradis' discovery of the outside world, and finally to the Battle of Heaven and Earth, it would all merely be a handful of chapters in the history textbooks of the future. A future in which war and geopolitical conflict will continue even without Titans. That does not mean that all paths to the future are equal -- the 50-year plan would not have put an end to Titans, and Zeke's euthanasia plan distorts utilitarian ethics into just another form of oppression; there are better and worse decisions that lead to more and less degrees of suffering, but no decision can ever be the final one.

The additional panels remind us that in history, there never exists a singular "Final Solution". The reason there are readers who vehemently support Eren to have flattened 100% of the world, and the reason the Paradisians supported the oppressive, authoritarian, proto-fascist Jaegar Faction under Floch and even after the Rumbling, is that because they want to believe that a Final Solution to end conflict exists and will work. They resist the fundamental uncertainty and complexity of the situation, instead preferring a singular, unified, and coherent Answer to Paradis' struggle to survive. I'm reminded of the scholar Erich Auerbach's theorization of why fascism appealed to many people during periods of political and social crisis, change, and uncertainty. Writing in exile after fleeing Nazi Germany, he observed that:

"The temptation to entrust oneself to a sect which solved all problems with a single formula, whose power of suggestion imposed solidarity, and which ostracized everything which would not fit in and submit - this temptation was so great that, with many people, fascism hardly had to employ force when the time came for it to spread through the countries of old European culture." (from Mimesis p. 550)

This acutely describes the Jaegar Faction's rise to power and continued dominance in Paradis. But their promise of unity, of a single formula to wipe out the rest of the world either literally through the Rumbling, or to dominate them with military force, is a false one. Even if Eren had Rumbled 100% of the world instead of 80%, history would still go on. The external threat of the world may have been eliminated, but internal conflict and violence would still continue onward throughout the generations born on top of the blood of the rest of the world. Needless to say, out of all the options, Eren's 80% Rumbling is the very epitome of perpetuating the cycle of violence as it creates tens of thousands of war orphans like Eren once was, and it would justify employing violence for one's own self-interest to an extreme degree. For the generations to come that would valourize Eren as a hero, it would set a dangerous precedent for what degree of destruction is acceptable for self-defence -- nothing short of the attempt to flatten the entire world. It is no surprise that Paradis would meet a violent end when its founding one-party rule of the Jaegar Faction has their roots in such unapologetically bloody foundations.

Neither the 80% Rumbling nor the militaristic, ultra-nationalistic Jaegar faction that come to govern Paradis are glamourized as the "correct" solution to ensuring Paradis' future. (This can also put to rest any accusations of SNK's ending as "fascist" or "imperialist" propaganda, since the island's modern nation that they founded ends in war. All nations must fall eventually, but not all do in such blatant destruction). Importantly, neither is Armin's diplomatic mission naively idealized as that which permanently achieves world peace. No singular or unifying formula can work because reality is complicated. Entrusting oneself to seemingly simple Answers is simply insufficient, even if they are ideals of peaceful negotiation; that method may work given the right conditions, but the world will always eventually complicate its feasibility.

After all in the real world, there's the absurd irony that some in the West had called the First World War "The War to End all Wars". These days, WWI is merely one long chapter in our textbooks just a few pages away from the even longer chapter of the Second World War that is followed by all the rest of the conflicts that have followed since then even with the establishment of diplomatic organizations like the United Nations. In this sense, showing Paradis' eventual downfall is perhaps the only way to end such a series that is so concerned with history, from King Fritz's tribal expansion into empire, the rise and fall of Marleyan ascendency, and finally of the survival and apparent shattering of Paradis.

From its beginning to its end, SNK has poignantly evoked J.R.R. Tolkien's conception of history as The Long Defeat. In one character's words, "together through ages of the world we have fought the long defeat". That is to say, "no victory is complete, that evil rises again, and that even victory brings loss".

No heroes, only humans

Eren's desperate, fatalistic resignation to committing the Rumbling, along with the characters' rejection of all the rest of the earlier plans to ensure Paradis a future, are merely the actions of human beings to that began with the need to find not even necessarily a Final Answer, but at least an acceptable and feasible one for the time being. But the characterization of Eren's confusion, childishness, and regret in the final chapter is startlingly real in how it demonstrates how, all along, we have been dealing not with grand heroes, but simply people who have no answers at all. SNK has always been about failures - and often ironic failures; it has always been a story about painful and frequently futile struggle.

People make mistakes, they can be short-sighted, selfish, biased, immature, petty, and irrational, and I think the ending follows through with depicting the consequences of that.

Erwin's self-sacrifice before being able to reach the basement (and his regression to a childhood state in the moments before his death), Kenny's futile chasing after that universal compassion he had seen in Uri, Shadis never being acknowledged by history despite his final heroic action, and so on -- these stories of ironic, futile failures are still meaningful in their mere striving. Eren's ending and Paradis' demise despite Armin's endeavour to ensure them a peaceful future are entirely consistent with this.

SNK certainly follows the shounen trope in which young individuals are bestowed great power and correspondingly great responsibility, and must then reconcile the burden of possessing that greatness on which the fate of the world depends. Yet it is equally defined by its representation of the state that us normal human beings confront everyday: the struggle against the apparent powerlessness to enact any meaningful or lasting change at all. Simultaneously, this helpless state does not exempt us from the responsibility to act in whatever small capacity we are able to resist oppression, ideological extremism, and the perpetuation of violence.

Towards That Symbol

That was a rather long but vital digression about the additional "construction and destruction" pages. To return to the issue of the symbolism in the final panel, here I will turn from seemingly affirming the tree as symbolizing the cycle of violence, towards what I think is the greater complexity of what the tree might "actually" symbolize.

As I've said above, I don't believe that the final chapter title is synonymous with 'toward the endless cycle of war'. In tone, theme, and characterization, SNK has always been defined by the tension between cruelty and beauty, the will to violence and the underlying desire for peace, and the rest of the contradictory impulses that all simultaneously coexist. The end of SNK as a whole commits to a similar lack of closure, ambiguity, and interpretive openness.

So far I have rambled on about only a view of the perpetual "cruelty" of history. Where, then, is the "beauty"?

In short, the "tree = cycle of violence" interpretation is obviously based on how that this tree recalls the original tree in which the spine creature, as the source of the power of the Titans, resided. But it's worth first considering, what exactly is this creature? We seem to get our answer in the chapter that most precisely crystallizes the dual "cruelty and beauty" of the world:

The spine creature might be said to be life itself. Or more specifically, the will of life to perpetuate itself, for no reason at all but for the fleeting moments in which we feel distinctly glad to have existed in the world.

The creature at the source of the Titans, and in extension the Titans themselves, is neither inherently a positive or negative, "good" or "evil", creative or destructive force. It's both and all of those at once. As with any power, the Titans were merely a tool that was put to use to oppressive ends.

So as I now suggest that the tree at the end is symbolically a "Tree of Life", I don't at all mean "life" in the typically celebratory or optimistic sense: rather, I mean it in the ambiguous, ambivalent, uncertain, and complex sense that has been evoked throughout the above discussion of the inevitable continuation of war.

The title "Toward The Tree on That Hill" is derived from its associations with Eren and Mikasa, but more specifically of course, from Armin's affirmation of existence. However, the tree as a symbol of existential affirmation is undercut with the revelation that, despite Armin's diplomatic mediation between the Allied Nations and Paradis, the island nation never escapes war just as no nation in the history of the earth has ever fully escaped war.

The image of Armin running toward that life-affirming tree by the end becomes twisted and complicated, as the image of the anonymous child approaching the Tree of Life evokes both awe at its beauty and grandeur, and a deep dread at the foreboding of its cyclical return to Ymir's tree that signalled the beginning of a bloody era.

And I think that is precisely it: Life is not some idealized, beautiful vision that we always want to run toward; it is also ironic, complicated, and dreadful. It is ambivalent. Like a literary symbol, the meaning of life cannot be pinned down absolutely. The tree therefore becomes itself a symbol of uncertainty, of an open future that is cyclical both in its beauty and war.

As a final observation, it is surely no coincidence that, the small, black, birdlike silhouettes of the war planes destroying the city from the sky is replaced by the similarly small black silhouettes of birds in the final panel.

If the birds represent freedom from war, the irony is that the immediately surrounding land appears to be one completely empty of people save for the exploring child; it is a freedom attained only without people's presence. Yet at the same time, a child from some existing civilization has reached it; perhaps it is freedom that they have reached, perhaps it is something else that they see in the tree. What is it that they were looking for? What does the tree and its history represent for the child, and what does it mean for their future? Alternatively, does the child-in-the-forest imagery negatively recall the warning that the world is one huge forest of predator and prey that we need to protect children from entering?

Rather than providing answers, this tree embodies all of the potential questions, and all of the potential answers. These possibilities will unfold themselves into an uncertain future beyond the chapters of history that Eren, Armin, Mikasa, Zeke, Erwin, and all the rest of the characters were part of and left their mark on; and whatever future this child will witness or create, it will similarly be one of the struggle against futility, as the journey begins anew with each generation in every new era. Neither - or both - hopeful or despairing, the final image of this tree, just like life itself, contains those innumerable irresolvable tensions as it gestures towards all possibilities, both oppressive and free.

[takanova12]

Lost Girls

nothing special just why I love the bond between mikaannie :)

Mikasa and annie's friendship is one of my favourite things about the final arc. To think that their relationship has progressed from mikasa cutting annie's fingers to her latching onto annie's hand to launch into enemy titans?? Nothing much just some killer teamwork!! They just knew no words nothing just one look from each other and bam annie throwing mikasa at OKAPI! They have just come to trust and understand each other that well. I have a headcanon after this chapter that in the future, annie teaches mikasa some of her martial art skills. I also imagine them being best friends, because well they are both lost girls and also because they have similar personalities (yet some differences too such as annie's snarky and blunt, while mikasa is shy and quiet) I feel like together they would bring out the best in each other. And keeping in mind that isayama did want to mikasa to return to her old self, which is being the happy little girl she once was, having annie as a friend creates more opportunities for that. Also, mikasa brings out a soft side in annie, she sees that mikasa like her is someone that deeply drives meaning from her relationships. For annie it's her dad, but recently it has been armin. They had both been striving throughout the story to protect those bonds, that's why annie breaks down when she hears that her father is likely dead and she comes back to help the alliance because she can still help armin. Also, doesn't hurt that both mikasa and annie have as levi likes to call it "gloomy" personalities so it's probably easier to be around each other.

Their camaraderie doesn't just end at the battlefied, in fact they have constantly been able to comfort each other in times when no one else could. Mikasa understood that annie didn't wana fight anymore and likewise annie knew it's extremely painful to ask mikasa to kill eren. The fact that mikasa is with them on this journey that is about stopping/killing eren itself is a emotionally exhausting task for her. While the scouts are not wrong in pushing mikasa towards it, it was just a very considerate move on annie's part. She grabbed mikasa by the collar ( that's how comfortable annie is with the girl she has called a beast in the past :) and assured her that she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to.

Before they were bickering about their priorities and now they are respecting each other's. I liked how annie didn't forget that the azumabitos are important to mikasa and first thing she does is informs mika about it.

While this post is about mikaannie, I would like to just add that I don't think people give mikasa credit for mingling with warriors as smoothly as the others. I know everyone else has too, but the 104th were empathsizing with bert, reiner and ymir even back in volume 12 , while mikasa tried to shut off those emotions. She told historia and ymir that she can't show anyone mercy because these people took away her home. And now she is doing the opposite of it so doesn't that count as development? Post timeskip Mikasa has time and again shown that she understands that the world is not as black and white, she was disappointed in what eren did in liberio, she even reminded eren that they have been able to get along with some marleyans, she saved gabi and has not been actively at anyone's throat for eren's sake. She didn't bust eren out of jail, she knew eren was in the wrong. And now she is not fighting with the warriors or anyone about protecting eren, it's just a desperate plea from someone who is on the verge of losing her home. People are free to dislike her, but Idk maybe I am trying to say cut her some slack? Eren is such an important part of mikasa's life because it was when she met him that she realized " This world is cruel" , which is really depressing if you you think about it like don't just skim over this dialogue as something trivial, give it some thought....Then eren wraps the scarf around her and mikasa is like " The world is cruel but also beautiful" SHE GOT THE BEAUTIFUL PART FROM EREN!! So, if she is refusing to let go of the beautiful don't undermine her for that. Mikasa letting eren go is not about eren it's about her accepting that while eren showed her the beauty in this world, she can still find beauty even if he is not beside her. Kiyomi is there to remind mikasa that she has a home, that people other than eren and armin care about her like family. Now she has found a friend in annie too.

Sorry for going off on a tangent. Mikasa is my comfort character and once I start talking about her it's hard to shut me up lol.

Lastly, THIS! Are we still reading attack on titan?

Mikasa: There! That one, that pig or whatever titan that is!

Annie: Which one?

Mikasa: That one! Over there that thing!

Annie: Where?

And when annie finally tells her that pig looking thing is an Okapi, Mikasa goes

I swear I never knew mikasa and annie being friends would be a thing, specially not them having such an interestingly funny and tender dynamic.

TMI: Btw, pieck was great this chapter too. I do like characters other than mikasa, but mikasa is a very precious character to me and this blog is my safe place of actualizing my adoration for Mikasa and Eremika <3

Thank you for reading! I think many of us who are enjoying mikasa and annie's bond feel this way so I am just glad to share it with you.

[addictedtojmanga]

Shoujo manga recommendations - otome game isekai

So, after 10+ years reading shoujo manga, I’ve read over 1k titles, admittedly, a reasonable amount is one-shot (or at least a collection of), but nonetheless, over time I had to expand my interests.

Lately, I’ve started reading the otome game isekai genre, and decided it’d be nice to share the ones I thought were best.

Most of them are pretty much the same, but the best ones usually have a twist, so...

! Warning: You’ll most likely want to beat up 1 or 2 characters from each one, but worry not, so do I and the other characters

1. Fiancée's Observation Log of the Self-proclaimed Villainess

Crown prince Cecil was so brilliant that everything in life was easy to the point of boring him, then one day, his fiancée Bertia suddenly said "Prince Cecil, I am a villainess!" Claiming that this world is the same as that of an "otome game" from her past life and that she is playing the role of the "villainess" in it, she aims to play her part well and have their engagement annulled. With that goal in mind, she sets about causing turmoil in Cecil's daily life.

This one definitely takes the gold for me. Super sweet and pretty funny.

2. My Next Life as a Villainess: All Routes Lead to Doom!

Most people would prefer being the protagonist of a world full of adventure, be it in a game or in another world. But, unfortunately, a certain girl is not so lucky. Regaining the memories of her past life, she realizes that she was reborn in the world of Fortune Lover—one of the games she used to play. Unfortunately, the character she was reincarnated into—Katarina Claes—is the game's main antagonist, who faces utter doom in every ending. Using her extensive knowledge of the game, she takes it upon herself to escape from the chains of this accursed destiny. However, this will not be an easy feat, especially since she needs to be cautious as to not set off death flags that may speed up the impending doom she is trying to avoid. Even so, to make a change that will affect the lives of everyone around her, she strives—not as the heroine—but as the villainess.

This one takes 2nd place! It has a different result than others, and the FL is great - everyone is, to be fair.

3. Of Course I’ll Claim Palimony

"I'll annul our engagement!" My fiancé suddenly declared?! Apparently he's in love with the recently transferred count's daughter and is planning on making me the villain in order to annul the engagement. Although I have no lingering attachments about the engagement, I do have to claim a hefty consolation fee don't I?

This is sooo good. The FL is spectacular and manages to stand out - even if just a bit - from the rest of the genre.

4. I’m a Villainous Daughter, so I’m going to keep the Last Boss

Avoid the BAD END! That's the goal of the villainess in this plot-twisting story!! She has been reborn into the world of an otome game as the villainess, Irene. Using her memories of her former life, she recognizes flags indicating she's en-route to the bad end, so she makes a plan to conquer the last boss (the evil king Claude), make him her lover, and see if she can open up a new route!

Pretty funny, and the FL is bold. Also, the ML is a bishounen.

It’s one of the few mangas from this genre that has been completely translated, and since it only has 13 chapters, it’s a good way to start out.

5. The Plain & Unnoticeable Me is No More

Elaine Lana Norris, who was born at the top of the aristocratic daughter, was declared abandoned by her second fiancé at the school's founding party. Lana, who has been made a villain daughter, is driven out of her home by a strict grandfather. But there is a secret in Lana that everyone doesn't know about?

I don’t want to give out any spoilers, however, it suffices to say that she accepts her role as the villainess.

Ok, I think these 5 are my favorite, but the ones below have been selected as well, so they’re still pretty good and worth reading.

6. The Villiainess Is Adored by the Crown Prince of the Neighboring Kingdom    

Tiararose was supposed to be disengaged and exiled from the country. “This was the Otome game I had played!” She realized on the day before the story’s ending??……. Shall I wait for the judgment? But, I did not do anything too cruel……. Thinking so, the ending continues. But, during the judgement??something that was not possible in the game happened. The neighboring crown prince courted the villainous daughter Tiararose.

ML: 10/10 FL: 8/10 (too insecure for my taste)

7. Endo and Kobayashi’s Live Commentary on the Villainess

She’s always putting on that grumpy face even though she’s not actually that upset! Oh, why can’t she just be honest with herself…!??? She is a tsundere, after all? When her embarrassment levels exceed a certain limit, she will explode into anger. However, the point that she’s suppressing under the surface is that she wouldn’t mind that sort of thing if it were in a less public place.? As Endo-kun passionately reacts to the antics of Lady Liselotte, the villainess of an otome game, Kobayashi-san provides a painstaking breakdown of her tsundere behaviour. Suddenly, one person could hear their voices; Liselotte’s fiancée, Prince Siegward. That is where this story begins.

8. I’m the Villainess, but the Capture Targets are too Abnormal  

The villainess, Mystia, remembered her past life on her 10th birthday and has unwittingly turned the characters in the otome game "Kyun Kyun Love School" into yanderes! In order to avoid becoming the love rival of the "heroine" who will lead her to her downfall, she starts making every effort to break off her engagement with her "prince-like classmate"! That’s was what supposed to happen...But, because of her kind personality, her favorability increased instead!

It’s still in its beginning stages, but seems pretty solid.    

9. Though I May Be a Villainess, I'll Show You I Can Obtain Happiness!  

A collection of one shots.

Great way to start out, it has quite a few options, so if you don’t like one, give another one a try!

10.  The Villainess, Cecilia Silvie, Doesn't Want to Die, So She Decided to Cross-dress!      

I was reincarnated into the body Cecilia Silvie, the villainess of an otome game. According to the plot, what awaits me in the normal route is either a slow, painful death or an instantaneous one... Essentially, every route leads to my demise. Then I'll change my fate! And that's why I decided to become a man. However, I made a mistake during a certain event, and the story began to head down an unexpected path...?

I haven’t seen any other like this, and if you like gender bender, this one’s for you!

11.  I’ll Become a Villainess That Will Go Down in History ― The More of a Villainess I Become, the More the Prince will Dote on Me

Alicia is the eldest daughter of the noble Williams family—a bloodline that excels in dark magic. Her jet-black hair and golden eyes command a powerful presence, but her most unique features are, without a doubt, her sharp tongue and malevolent nature. By all means, she is a villainess, but also a fictional character from an otome game!

12. I’m Not a Villainess!! Just Because I Can Control Darkness Doesn’t Mean I’m a Bad Person!

The novel The Saint Beloved by the Prince is set in the land of Lacia, where spirits control the elements, each of which is overseen by a "Spirit King." On rare occasions, these Spirit Kings may bless a single human, granting them immense magical control over their respective element. The heroine, Amelia Logan, and the villainess, Claudia Leitzya, are two sides of the same coin, blessed by the Light and Dark Spirit Kings respectively. However, while Amelia is beloved, Claudia is hated and rejected due to her dark skin, ebony locks, and aptitude for dark magic. After dying in modern-day Japan, Sakura is reborn as an infant Claudia. While difficult at first, Claudia tries to adjust to this new life, all the while accompanied by the Dark Spirit King Gerald. But even this task is far from easy; people fear her at first glance, no matter how she acts toward them. Still, Claudia is set on changing her fate from the novel, proving she is a good person and breaking free from the shackles of a "villainess."

13. Rebirth of the Villainess: The Life of Letizia after the Engagement Annulment      

For some reason, the duke's daughter, Letizia, was plotting to break her engagement with the prince. Her plan succeeded and the prince, none the wiser. But shortly after the engagement was terminated... The King collapsed! In that moment, she recalled her memories of her past life as a nurse and she fully utilised her knowledge & experience as a nurse, to save the King's life. Thinking she had achieved what she wanted, she thought she could finally relax, drinking her favourite beverage and leisurely spend her time, she instead somehow keeps getting involved in incident after incident. The slow and peaceful life is now nothing but a dream!? Lazy daughter, busy seeking freedom and laziness!

14. I Won't Become a Villainess. I'm Just a "Normal" Duke's Daughter!

A Japanese person reincarnated into an otome game chock full of death flags for the villainess, Rosalind. "I'm going to live an enjoyable life in this world!" Making full use of the game knowledge to avoid death flags, for some reason events keep happening one after another?! Contracting with spirits, helping her father (the prime minister) with his work using her modern day knowledge, taking a walk with the holy beast... and on top of all that, even starting up the heroine's event...? Will Rosalind be able to smash through every unknown death flag that comes her way...?! And will she be able to be fluffy lovey-dovey with the supporting beastkin character she liked from her previous life?!

Cute. Has beasts.

15. Milady Just Wants to Relax      

She worked herself to death in her past life, but then she was reborn in another world as the villainess Ronia! As expected, her engagement is broken and she's expelled from society, but now she takes that chance to live peacefully, and even opens a cafe with the help of her fairy comrades, which is becoming unexpectedly popular with beast-kin...?

Also cute. Also has beasts.

16. I Swear I Won’t Bother You Again!            

Violette, a proud and beautiful daughter of a duke, commits a crime out of jealousy towards her half-sister. Convicted, Violet faces her own heart with sincerity in a prison cell and regrets her sin. Then time rewinds to a turning point—to her first meeting with Maryjun one year ago. Violette makes a decision. She will not make mistakes this time. Without committing a crime and bothering anyone, she will live an ordinary, plain and inconspicuous life...! However, incidents contrary to Violette's expectations occur one after another...?!

17. I Became a Villain Daughter

On her 15th birthday, Hinase Kaede, a young girl who was working as a part-timer, perished in a traffic accident. Upon her death, a self-proclaimed “God” appeared, declaring that Kaede would be brought back to life. However, Kaede’s happiness was short-lived and her soul was thrown into Erika, the villainess of an otome game! In the original game, Erika became a saint candidate alongside the heroine, committed evil deeds over the course of the candidacy, and ultimately faced condemnation. Thus, Kaede decides that she will not get close to the main characters of the game so as to avoid the bad end, but yet——?