#being queer feels really lonely at times and the whole questioning part is included in these lonely moments

[weirdcharacter]

Heartstoppers spoilers below

Weirdly enough (or not), the scenes that had me crying and/or feeling the most emotional in Heartstopper were the scenes involving parents.

Seeing how... Normal. They were. Charlie's dad clearly is ready to defend his son, always telling him "if you need anything, call me", "if any of these boys say or do something nasty, you call me", always trying to keep the dialogue open with Charlie and telling him it's okay, he's here for him.

We didn't see much of her mom, but she seems pretty chill about Charlie being gay and bringing over male friends (and in the graphic novel Charlie says all of his family is chill about him being gay so that's good too)

And even his sister is like, she's teasing and supporting him like a big sis, she's here for him and she makes it clear that she cares for him and his well-being.

As for Nick, his coming out scene to his mom had me crying. Because I also came out to my mom (mom only in the family) and while she was supportive and told me "you know we don't care if you like a girl or a boy, as long as you're happy" (and I am grateful for these words), I didn't get the full on "hug you and thank you and sorry" reaction Nick's mom had. (Again, i still am grateful for her reaction because she didn't dismiss my bisexuality and we even got to talk more about it and other things so it's cool)

I have a supportive mom, and I have other people who say they are supportive but the words and actions don't really follow the discourse, so yeah. Seeing how accepting Nick's mom was, it kind of reminded me I don't have this unconditional acceptance from some people.

What I'm trying to say is, this show is healing and painful, because it shows me and other people the experience of being queer, figuring things out, having to Google stuff like "am I gay" "what is bisexuality" "bisexual test", having to figure things out and overthink everything; it shows us, it shows me an experience that is similar to the one I had when I was a questioning teenager.

And it shows me what I could have had. What it could have been for me, if I had more queer people around me. If I had that one queer person who liked me and would have been here to support me and stuff.

I had to figure all of this on my own, alone behind my screens, scrolling through google and tumblr blogs and screenshots on pinterest; I had to read in that one "teenage book guide" I had, and had to take like a hundred online tests to make sure that yes, I am bi. I did most of that alone, and the only person who knew at the time was also figuring it out so we were just. Not really able to guide each other through that.

Heartstopper is great, because I relate to Nick's "figuring things out" story, to his bisexuality, to his journey toward accepting himself and how he feels. And I relate to Charlie, who probably had to figure things out by himself, who felt very isolated at times, who wonders if he's ever gonna find someone who loves him, truly.

Anyway, just to say that I love the parents in the show, and I overall love the adults (Art and Sport teachers, I see you). And I love the support the kids have and give to each other.

[chickenstrangers]

Gaipa is a character I cannot think about too much or it hurts but also I have been living in this scene for the last 3 months so I'm going to try.

It means so much to me to see Gaipa and Mrs Hong have such an honest and explicit discussion about Gaipa's queerness. It really shows how comfortable they are with each other, and how much they love each other, and that this isn't the first time they've discussed it. Moments like this one are part of what makes this show feel so queer, and it's something that I don't feel I've seen much of in queer media.

A lot of queer stories are coming of age narratives or stories of discovering queer identity. And that's important! Vital! We also have that in Moonlight Chicken with Li Ming and Heart's budding relationship. It's wonderful to see characters coming into their own with their queer identity, and all of the other things that come along with these stories, including coming out. But it's also so important to see what happens years or even decades after the initial "coming out".

Conversations about identity don't necessarily stop, especially in such a close relationship like the one between Gaipa and his mother. This isn't about questioning his identity or devaluing it, but stating support and love explicitly. Mrs Hong says she always knew that Gaipa was gay, since he was a child. We don't know what his story was growing up, if he sat down with his parents and came out, or if it happened more casually if they already knew. It was an unspoken understanding, but that doesn’t prevent him from wanting to speak it.

Queer coming of age does not stop once you've come out once. Adult queer narratives do not need to avoid explicit discussions of identity just because the characters are more settled and comfortable with their sexuality. This scene really resonated with me for me by showing the continuation of that queer experience.

There's such clear comfort in this conversation and how it shows that Gaipa and his mom truly know each other, how open and loving they are with each other, how they can joke around about it and be playful with each other, but they are still not taking the unspoken words for granted. Gaipa still wants and needs it to be said aloud. Their conversation in this scene is not a revelation that Gaipa is gay, and it's not new information that Mrs Hong loves and accepts him for it. But I can completely understand wanting to hear it said aloud, "Do you regret it…that I'm gay?" And she says unequivocally that no, she has no regrets, she just wants him to be happy, and find the love that he wants.

I talked about this a little bit before but this question of regret is really powerful. Gaipa isn't necessarily very happy at this moment; he's lonely, he clearly wants to find a reciprocated love and hasn't yet. His mother can see that he is sad about this. But does that mean she regrets that he's gay, or wishes he were different than he is? Even if it were easier for him in general to be straight? But as Jim and Wen discuss, being straight is no guarantee of happiness either. Mrs Hong has no regrets about this, and loves Gaipa wholeheartedly.

The relationship between parents and their queer children, whether biological or not, plays a large role in Moonlight Chicken. We see that Jam accepts that her brother is gay but has a much harder time accepting that her son is. We see Jim being upset to learn that Li Ming is gay, for much of the same reason that Gaipa is asking his mom about, his worry that life will be harder for Li Ming because of his sexuality. We see this scene echoed in Wen's conversation with his stepfather, who also fully supports Wen, asking about who he's seeing, and they clearly have a solid relationship, though much of this support is a bit more implicit than in Gaipa's conversation. All these moments together highlight the complexities of these relationships and highlight different queer experiences.

Queerness isn't Gaipa's whole identity, but it's an important part, and it's understandable for him to want to be open about it with his mom. And it is so powerful for me to see him at this stage in his journey and see this sort of conversation on screen.

[shkspr]

hi. on your post where you may or may not have ended on 'moffat is either your angel or your devil' did you have maybe an elaboration on that somewhere that i could possibly hear about. i'm very much a capaldi era stan and i've never tried to defend the matt smith era even though it had delightful moments sometimes so i wonder where that puts me. i'd love to hear your perspective on moffat as a person with your political perspective. -nicole

hi ok sorry i took so long to respond to this but i dont think you know how LOADED this question is for me but i am so happy to elaborate on that for you. first a few grains of salt to flavor your understanding of the whole situation: a. im unfairly biased against moffat bc im a davies stan and a tennant stan; b. i still very much enjoy and appreciate moffat era who for many reasons; and c. i hate moffat on a personal level far more than i could ever hate his work.

the thing is that its all always gonna be a bit mixed up bc i have to say a bunch of seemingly contradictory things in a row. for instance, a few moffat episodes are some of my absolute favorites of the rtd era, AND the show went way downhill when moffat took over, AND the really good episodes he wrote during the rtd era contained the seeds of his destruction.

like i made that post about the empty child/the doctor dances and it holds true for blink and thats about it bc the girl in the fireplace and silence in the library/forest of the dead are good but not nearly on the same level, and despite the fact that i like them at least nominally, they are also great examples of everything i hate about moffat and how he approached dw as a whole.

basically. doctor who is about people. there are many things about moffats tenure as showrunner that i think are a step up from rtd era who! actual gay people, for one! but i think that can likely be attributed mostly to an evolving Society as opposed to something inherent to him and his work, seeing as rtd is literally gay, and the existence of queer characters in moffats work doesnt mean the existence of good queer characters (ill give him bill but thats it!)

i have a few Primary Grievances with moffat and how he ran dw. all of them are things that got better with capaldi, but didnt go away. they are as follows:

moffat projects his own god complex onto the doctor

rtd era who had a doctor with a god complex. you cant ever be the doctor and not have a god complex. the problem with moffats era specifically is that the god complex was constant and unrepentant and was seen as a fundamental personality trait of the doctor rather than a demon he has to fight. he has the Momence where you feel bad for him, the Momence where he shows his humility or whatever and youre reminded that he doesnt want to be the lonely god, but those are just. moments. in a story where the doctor thinks hes the main character. rtd era doctor was aware that he wasnt the main character. he had to be an authority sometimes and he had to be the loner and he had to be sad about it, but he ultimately understood that he was expendable in a narrative sense.

this is how you get lines like “were the thin fat gay married anglican marines, why would we need names as well?” from the same show that gave you the gut punch moment at the end of midnight when they realize that nobody asked the hostess for her name. and on the one hand, thats a small sticking point, but on the other hand, its just one small example of the simple disregard that moffat has for humanity.

incidentally, this is a huge part of why sherlock sucked so bad: moffats main characters are special bc theyre so much bigger and better than all the normal people, and thats his downfall as a showrunner. he thinks that his audience wants fucking sheldon cooper when what they want is people.

like, ok. think of how many fantastic rtd era eps are based in the scenario “what if the doctor wasnt there? what if he was just out of commission for a bit?” and how those eps are the heart of the show!! bc theyre about people being people!! the thing is that all of the rtd era companions would have died for the doctor but he understood and the story understood that it wasnt about him.

this is like. nine sending rose home to save her life and sacrifice his own vs clara literally metaphysically entwining her existence w the doctor. ten also sending rose with her family to save her life vs river being raised from infancy to be obsessed w the doctor and then falling in love w him. martha leaving bc she values herself enough to make that decision vs amy being treated like a piece of meat.

and this is simultaneously a great callback to when i said that moffats episodes during the rtd era sometimes had the same problems as his show running (bc girl in the fireplace reeks of this), and a great segue into the next grievance.

moffat hates women

he hates women so fucking much. g-d, does steven moffat ever hate women. holy shit, he hates women. especially normal human women who prioritize their normal human lives on an equal or higher level than the doctor. moffat hated rose bc she wasnt special by his standards. the empty child/the doctor dances is the nicest he ever treated her, and she really didnt do much in those eps beyond a fuck ton of flirting.

girl in the fireplace is another shining example of this. youve got rose (who once again has another man to keep her busy, bc moffat doesnt think shes good enough for the doctor) sidelined for no reason only to be saved by the doctor at the last second or whatever. and then youve got reinette, who is pretty and powerful and special!

its just. moffat thinks that the doctor is as shallow and selfish as he is. thats why he thinks the doctor would stay in one place with reinette and not with rose. bc moffat is shallow and sees himself in the doctor and doesnt think he should have to settle for someone boring and normal.

not to mention rose met the doctor as an adult and chose to stay with him whereas reinette is. hm. introduced to the doctor as a child and grows up obsessed with him.

does that sound familiar? it should! bc it is also true of amy and river. and all of them are treated as viable romantic pairings. bc the only women who deserve the doctor are the ones whose entire existence revolves around him. which includes clara as well.

genuinely i think that at least on some level, not even necessarily consciously, that bill was a lesbian in part bc capaldi was too old to appeal to mainstream shippers. like twelve/clara is still a thing but not as universally appealing as eleven/clara but i am just spitballing. but i think they weighed the pros and cons of appealing to the woke crowd over the het shippers and found that gay companion was more profitable. anyway the point is to segue into the next point, which is that moffat hates permanent consequences.

moffat hates permanent consequences

steven moffat does not know how to kill a character. honestly it feels like hes doing it on purpose after a certain point, like he knows he has this habit and hes trying to riff on it to meme his own shit, but it doesnt work. it isnt funny and it isnt harmless, its bad writing.

the end of the doctor dances is so poignant and so meaningful and so fucking good bc its just this once! everybody lives, just this once! and then he does p much the same thing in forest of the dead - this one i could forgive, bc i do think that preserving those peoples consciousnesses did something for the doctor as a character, it wasnt completely meaningless. but everything after that kinda was.

rory died so many times its like. get a hobby lol. amy died at least once iirc but it was all a dream or something. clara died and was erased from the doctors memory. river was in prison and also died. bill? died. all of them sugarcoated or undone or ignored by the narrative to the point of having effectively no impact on the story. the point of a major character death is that its supposed to have a point. and you could argue that a piece of art could be making a point with a pointless death, ie. to put perspective on it and remind you that bad shit just happens, but with moffat the underlying message is always “i can do whatever i want, nothing is permanent or has lasting impact ever.”

basically, with moffat, tragedy exists to be undone. and this was a really brilliant, really wonderful thing in the doctor dances specifically bc it was the doctor clearly having seen his fair share of tragedy that couldnt be helped, now looking on his One Win with pride and delight bc he doesnt get wins like this! and then moffat proceeded to give him the same win over and over and over and over. nobody is ever dead. nobody is ever unable to be saved. and if they are, really truly dead and/or gone, then thats okay bc moffat has decided that [insert mitigating factor here]*

*the mitigating factor is usually some sort of computerized database of souls.

i can hear the moffat stans falling over themselves to remind me that amy and rory definitely died, and they did - after a long and happy life together, they died of old age. i dont consider that a character death any more than any other character choosing to permanently leave the tardis.

and its not just character deaths either, its like, everything. the destruction of gallifrey? never mind lol! character development? scrapped! the same episode four times? lets give it a fifth try and hope nobody notices. bc he doesnt know how to not make the doctor either an omnipotent savior or a self-pitying failure.

it is in nature of doctor who, i believe, for the doctor to win most of the time. like, it wouldnt be a very good show if he didnt win most of the time. but it also wouldnt be a very good show if he won all of the time. my point is that moffats doctor wins too often, and when he doesnt win, it feels empty and hollow rather than genuinely humbling, and you know hes not gonna grow from it pretty much at all.

so like. again, i like all of doctor who i enjoy all of it very much. i just think that steven moffat is a bad show runner and a decent writer at times. and it is frustrating. and im not here to convince or convert anyone im just living my truth. thank you for listening.

[actuallylorelaigilmore]

2021 MOVIES, #16

single all the way. this movie is so incredibly gay.

that’s really the only thing you need to know, the only part that mattered to me. it is christmas. it is gay. it is GAY CHRISTMAS. what more could i want?

i was sold on this one even without knowing it had jennifer coolidge and kathy najimy and barry bostwick and jennifer robertson. so many ties to queer culture! and again, the central (and only) romance in the movie is gay. 

truly still stunned this exists in my lifetime. in a good way. but onto the actual review (this turned out surprisingly long as i picked apart its few flaws so i’m cutting it here lol):

friends to lovers tropey goodness, where the classic ‘city folk discover the joys of small town christmastime’ story plays out with a gay man whose family is obsessed with seeing him partnered up.

it was a little hard for me, a queer person estranged from her family of origin, to suspend my disbelief well enough to believe the main character’s decision to prioritize family time and his hometown. in that way, this movie is kind of the opposite of every found family narrative--the unfulfilled gay man improves his life not by building a family in his lonely city but by deciding to fit his dreams and love life back into the town and family he left. 

the weird traditional bent of that, and the unanswered questions about his best friend/love interest, are probably the things that stood out for me less than awesomely. it’s made clear that his best friend misses having a family, and so is grateful to be included with the large one here...but his future partner seems oblivious to the pain that goes along with that. he thanks his friend constantly for ‘being there’ and ‘being him’ but never asks questions or offers support in return.

so, not to get too deep about a fluffy netflix christmas movie, but i’d worry about how that dynamic would play out in their future relationship. the best friend treats him as essential, going so far as to make his dream business possible--and the whole time he’s insisting that his life and work are adaptable, mobile, can totally adjust to what the main character wants. he deserves reciprocity.

when it comes to tiny quibbles about realism (though obviously i know these movies are not actually meant to be realistic) there’s also the part where we’re supposed to believe that these two best friends/roommates have no friend group or anyone else they would miss from their city lives after they completely relocate to a slower style of living? 

speaking of which, the movie makes it clear that the area has very few queer people--but once the main character decides he misses his family, i guess that doesn’t matter outside of his romantic prospects? to me it seems weird that he doesn’t feel the need for any larger gay community, just his best friend and his very straight family to spend the rest of his life with. but okay.

and we’re supposed to not find it at all concerning that half of the couple will be a young black man moving to new hampshire where the only people he knows are his partner’s family, in a state that’s less than 2 percent black? i respect shows like schitts creek that decide to eliminate homophobia, but implying that the small town we see here is free of both homophobia AND racism feels like quite a lot to ask us to believe just because it’s christmas. 

lol that’s not even touching on how far over the line his family take their meddling for the sake of pushing him toward the ‘right’ future. i was fully rooting for the two best friends to end up together, but by the time his nieces decided to ENDANGER HIS BEST FRIEND’S LIFE in order to blackmail him into a confession, with no interest in what either of the men truly wanted outside of their plan...part of me wanted him to end up with the other guy just to spite them! like, fuck your bullying and manipulation and certainty that your supposed-loved-one doesn’t have the right to make his own choices.

as a general plot point, that sort of thing doesn’t bother me in small doses, but i have never seen it be so obnoxiously over the top. Kind Dad barry bostwick was the only one trying to give them room to choose while also putting his opinion out there. i wish they could have all been like that. 

with those caveats though, i loved the romance and the cast and the lead actors i had never met before. i will never forget jennifer coolidge’s pageant or how i never considered her to be perfect casting for kathy najimy’s sister but nothing makes more sense once you see it. i wanted more story for the best friend because he deserved to be more than just support during what was a hard time of year for him too, but it was nice to love him at all--i loved both the guys, and that can be rare for me with romcoms now. it was a great little christmas movie.

[crossdreamers]

What the TV series “It’s a Sin” tells us about the tactics of anti-trans activists today

Over at Twitter Owen Jones reflects on the way the history of bigotry is repeating. The new British TV series It’s a Sin reminds him of how the tactics once used against gay and lesbian people is now used against trans and nonbinary folks.

Owen Peter Jones is a British newspaper columnist, commentator, journalist and political activist. 

It's a Sin is a British television drama serial written and created by Russell T Davies. It is about the queer community in the 1980′s London.

Owen writes:

One of the most important themes in 'It's A Sin' was about gay/bi people and shame - caused by growing up in a society that saw gay/bi people as would-be sexual predators, violators of biological reality, threats to children, immoral, deviants, and generally undesirable.

While HIV rates remain significantly higher among gay and bisexual men, treatments now allow those with HIV to live healthy lives. Alcohol and drug abuse as a response to shame and trauma caused by homophobia is today a bigger problem in Western nations.

It's important to make this point because the evidence suggests that mental distress is even more acute amongst trans people, who are today the most marginalised and oppressed part of the LGBTQ+ world.

Anti-trans activists use the same arguments as the homophobes

Today, anti-trans activists play the exact same songs about trans people: that they are would-be sexual predators, violators of biological reality, threats to children, immoral, deviants, and generally undesirable.

Some of those anti-trans activists responded viscerally to being called out for enjoying It's A Sin. They are furious at being compared to the monsters who victimised gay people, even as they obsessively target trans people in the same papers that obsessively targeted gay people.

Some of them point to their past association with pro-gay struggles, or in some cases simply that they have been to gay bars before, as though any of this gives them a lifetime freedom pass to say whatever they like about other minorities.

But as It's A Sin shows, a society which made gay people feel unwelcome - as burdens at best and as menaces at worst - inflicts terrible damage on gay people. The same is being done to trans people.

However those who, in some cases, spend a genuinely huge amount of their lives talking about trans people as would-be predators or threats to children justify it to themselves, they are inflicting the same injuries on trans people as It's A Sin underlined is done to gay people.

The quadrupling of transphobic hate crimes, the 48% of trans people who fear using public toilets, the trans people discriminated against at work, the quarter who've suffered homelessness, all of this is erased from the "conversation", such as it is.

Even the focus on contexts which don't affect 99.9% of trans people - but which are used to attack all of them - namely prisons and sports deliberately excludes questions like 'Why are there no trans Olympic medallists?' or 'How do we stop trans prisoners being assaulted?'

Inflicting the same damage

The hounders of trans people may hate It's A Sin being used to hand them a mirror. But the anti-trans faction, who operate strikingly like a cult, are not only singing the same tunes - they are inflicting the exact same damage on trans people as gay people have long suffered.

oh and I've set this so only people who follow me can reply because, although anti-trans activists have made a conscious decision to relentlessly and obsessively target me, and I can live with that, I don't want trans people to have to sift through their bile.

“Gender critical” parents who are harming their kids

Some other thoughts. 

 One of the most powerful themes towards the end of It's A Sin is Ritchie's mother being confronted by Jill for the damage she inflicted on her gay son, suggesting that the shame she instilled in him helped drive behaviour that led to his infection with HIV.

"Actually it is your fault, Mrs Tozer," says Jill. "All of this is your fault."  Jill adds: "The wards are full of men who think they deserve it."

She was right. So many of the gay and bisexual men who died often lonely deaths in hospital wards were traumatised by their parents.

Today, most gay people have gay friends who have mental trauma which often leads to alcohol and drug abuse with absolutely catastrophic consequences. Many, all too many, have had friends who've died from suicide. The culprits? Society in general but often parents in particular.

It's A Sin showcased the LGBTQ family, of other LGBTQ friends filling a vacuum left by the absence of a loving family. A big role of that 'family' is to pick up the pieces because of the damage inflicted by parents on their children.

When parents refuse to properly accept their LGBTQ children for who they are, they insert ticking time bombs in many of them. That bomb may detonate in their 20s, their 30s, their 40s, who knows, maybe in their 50s or 60s. But in many of them, it will detonate.

This is why there is a genuine horror watching self-described "gender critical" parents ranting about trans people on the internet. Because I can't help but think, oh god, what if they have trans children. What damage will be inflicted upon them.

In some cases, the bigotry of anti-trans activists - often radicalised by newspaper columnists, online rabbit holes, and somewhat perversely, Mumsnet - will collide with reality. Read this about an ex-'gender critical' activist and their trans nephew.

But in other cases, transphobic parents will stick determinedly to their guns and inflict the same damage on their trans children as homophobic parents have always inflicted on their gay children. We should be clear: homophobia and transphobia are forms of child abuse.

Hiding behind the argument of protecting their children

Both traditional homophobes and contemporary transphobes claimed they were protecting the welfare of children. As anti-gay campaigner Anita Bryant declared: "As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children".

Today's anti-trans activists use the language of 'safeguarding' and often suggest that parents know what's best for their children. This is clearly not always the case. Lots of children need to be protected from their parents. That includes many LGBTQ children.

So when this Times journalist attacked Mermaids, a charity supporting young trans people, for including an 'exit button', suggesting it was 'a major safeguarding breach'. Many LGBTQ children don't have supportive parents and need to hide their identity away from them.

Anti-trans rhetoric echoes anti-gay arguments

Anti-gay rights campaigners long focused on the danger posed by predatory gay men to vulnerable children, and pointed to scandals in, for example, the Scouts and the Catholic Church as evidence. Today, anti-trans activists similarly extrapolate extreme cases to make their case.

In the 1980s, it was claimed an all-powerful gay lobby was putting political correctness ahead of people's well-being. The same language is used about the objectively marginalised trans minority today. The second screenshot is from this weekend's Times newspaper.

That's why so many gay people stand up for trans people. Trans people, of course, are in our shared LGBTQ spaces, and their experiences do differ in important ways - but we see them going through the exact same things we've gone through.

It is, frankly, grotesque that gay people who for very obvious reasons stand with their trans siblings are then vilified as misogynists, or have obvious homophobic tropes about wanting to endanger children's safety thrown at them.

It's also perverse that many of the same people publicly cooing over It's A Sin are the same people trying to hound the LGBTQ allies of trans people out of the media (they can't really do this to trans people because there are very few trans people in the media).

LGB people attacking trans people

As for the LGB people who participate in the hounding of trans people. There have long been examples of oppressed groups who participate in oppression, often against themselves: women against the Equal Rights Amendment and feminism, right-wing black Republicans, and so on.

These anti-trans LGB activists are not only completely unrepresentative of LGBTQ people: many queer bars and spaces bar people who express their bigoted opinions for very obvious reasons: to ensure they're safe spaces for the whole LGBTQ rainbow.

Watching straight people try and foment a civil war within the LGBTQ world by platforming these completely marginal bigoted zealots is actually completely and utterly grotesque.

Finally (!) in the 1980s, almost the whole media was anti-gay, and public opinion was overwhelmingly anti-gay. Today, almost the whole media is anti-trans, but while transphobia is rampant, anti-trans sentiment is not as widespread as anti-gay sentiment back then. There's hope!

But it takes huge courage to speak out in support of trans people in Britain in 2021. One day, there will be TV programmes about the onslaught against trans people. Those who victimised trans people today will be portrayed in them. They'll go down in history as hate figures.

Sadly, it's too late to save all too many LGBTQ people who had ticking time bombs inserted into them both by society and by their homophobic and transphobic parents. They detonated. But we can save others from that fate. So speak up.

Read the whole thread with other comments here!

Read also Michael Cashman: Loss and anger raged in me after watching It’s a Sin – the stigma we faced in the 1980s is now being directed at trans people

Photo of Owen Jones: Antonio Olmos/The Observer

[asleepinawell]

How has poi changed your life? Genuinely curious, I love this show

I got this ask in May '20 and am only now answering it. :')

part of the problem with answering it is that half of the answer would be to the question of 'how has fandom changed your life' where poi is the fandom I've been the most active in and where fandom made the most difference. and that's a long story

my first draft of this was over 2k words long, and went back much further in time explaining how i had and hadn’t fit into queer spaces and fandom throughout my life. I edited it way back but it’s still long-ish, so you can read it below the break

many years ago, when I got my first full time job in my chosen industry my senior year of college I was so busy that I couldn't function. massive unhealthy amounts of overtime and a toxic work environment. (don't work at tech start-ups, kids!!!) my social life vanished. strikethrough on livejournal happened right then too and fandom, which i’d only been a silent participant in at that point, kind of went quiet for a while and by the time it started regrouping I was so busy that I didn't know about it. several awful years later I quit my job, spent several months in my room in my parents' house trying to recover from massive burn out (see my comment about tech start-ups), and then got a job on the opposite coast and left behind my whole circle of friends some of whom made up my entire connection to the queer community at that time.

making friends after college is very hard when you're an introvert and just generally don't like socializing that much. making queer friends can be even harder since there's fewer places to meet them and there's often an underlying question of dating/sex that hovers around awkwardly when sometimes what you want is just an absolutely no romo/no sex friendship. so while I did make a few queer friends eventually, I didn't have that same sort of community I did before I'd moved and I missed it

(I would be remiss in not saying that the queer friends i made in this time are all amazing and wonderful and some are still my close friends and very important to me. The thing I’m highlighting here was the lack of feeling like I was part of a larger queer community).

fast forward a bit. I get sick. like really really sick. I'm in and out of the ER, I'm missing tons of work, I'm mostly bed-ridden. I think after the last few years people can more easily appreciate how intensely lonely and surreal being stuck at home by yourself non stop can be when you're not used to it. sometime right before that I'd joined tumblr for the sole purpose of looking at cat pictures on my phone during boring meetings. I wasn't really aware that this was where fandom had migrated to (it was in fact possible to use tumblr without intersecting with fandom). but stuck home alone with time to kill I started looking for art and gifs of the tv and games I was consuming and stumbled into fandom tumblr and specifically queer femslash fandom.

I kind of poked around the territory and eventually fell into the carmilla fandom which became the first fandom I actually created content for. a few of my fics had a decent audience and while I was never part of the central core of the fandom I made some good friends there. some of y'all probably followed me back then. I eventually drifted away from carmilla for a lot of reasons I won't get into and stumbled right into poi. this would have been between seasons 4 and 5, late 2015-early 2016.

my health problems get more exciting and I end up in the hospital. I have vague memories of watching poi on my laptop in my hospital bed (vague because I was on a lot of morphine). I actually posted some fic while I was in the hospital (would have been the end of my carmilla run still).

and I get out of the hospital (early 2016) and am somewhat better but it's pretty clear that I'm going to have chronic health issues probably for the rest of my life. my social life, such as it was, was mostly dead, a lot of stuff I used to do for fun was much harder to manage. I'm still spending a ton of time at home (not even counting covid) and I have bad days where I feel terrible and can't do much. but I'll come back to that

I think most of us remember 2016. the year tv show runners fully embraced the bury your gays trope (and sometimes the fridging trope at the same time as a bonus!) and, by autostraddle's tally, 30 queer female characters in tv shows died. and then on top of that we had the actual real world tragedy of the pulse nightclub shootings. it was a massively depressing time all around for queer people

s5 of poi aired that year. I know people have different opinions on s5 of poi, and that's valid. I hated it. and I really intensely hated how it treated root and shaw. there aren't enough words to express how fucking angry I was after s5. or rather, there are 319,678 words.

I wrote a fic many of you may have read called sliding towards chaos that rewrote the entirety of poi from mid-s3 onwards. it got pretty popular lol. I put so much into writing it, too. it was basically a second full time job for me and a great way to take my mind off the fact I was still having health problems and all the crazy shit going on in the world (we had a presidential election in the US in 2016 :)))) it did not go well!)

i'm very proud of writing stc, and even if I think it isn't my strongest writing (which is good! improving over time is good!), it was what really connected me to a lot of other people in the fandom. I felt part of the fandom community in a way I hadn't with carmilla and it was an intensely queer community built around shared interests

one of the problems with finding queer friend groups out in the 'real world' is you're often gathering to meet based on the uniting factor of being queer, and your interests may vary greatly. fandom is amazing because it lets you find queer people who you share all these interests with and who you can bond with over them and collaborate with and that's just so so important. does fandom have a ton of issues and toxicity and bigotry? yes, absolutely. but it also has so much good to offer

through stc and later fics I became close friends with some really really cool people in the fandom (including my favorite writer and my favorite artist). these are people I'm still very close friends with. some of them I've hung out with offline and the ones I haven't are mostly because they live too far away. after years of not having my own queer circle of friends I have found one again and one I can usually participate in even with my health problems and that is such an important thing to me

on a creative front, the fic writing and the gif making I've done have both taught me an enormous amount and been a very positive part of my life. working collaboratively on comics has been one of the coolest things I've done. there is just so much good that came out of me seeing one shoot gif on tumblr dot com years ago and being like hmm looks gay I'm in

and in terms of the actual content of the show, I think a lot of the reason I was drawn to it (other than my lingering crush on fred from angel) was that root and shaw felt so uniquely and wonderfully queer in a way few f/f ships I'd seen had before. shaw being bi and reading as aro to me (I've talked about that here) and root being a chaotic computer nerd just felt so relatable to me and their relationship with each other made sense to me in a way that few others had. and the specific draw that they had for some fans probably has a lot to do with why I found friends in this fandom who I really clicked with

so yeah. I don't know how to sum this up. fandom can be a great way to find your people and engage your creativity and I think that's very sexy

[maxwell-grant]

Sherlock Holmes for the Listing meme?

favorite thing about them

I have some pretty mixed feelings on Holmes where I never quite got into the character as much as I could or may have liked to, but at the same time, he's been a part of my life for as long as I can remember (I grew up legitimately thinking he was a real person and only discovered otherwise in my early teens, and Conan Doyle may have been the first big-name author I remember reading).

I guess if I had to narrow down something more personal, the idea of Holmes as this really smart, incredibly knowledged person, who nevertheless could be insensitive, awkward, lonely, disinterested in relationships or social occasions, and still be a well-respected hero with strong friendships and a noble purpose, might have been more important for me to read about back then than I gave it credit for at the time.

A lot of people are very attached to the idea that Holmes is autistic or "coded" as autistic, and I have some misgivings towards that idea (mainly because often times it seems to me like "coded" is just a replacement word for stereotype), but in retrospect, it kinda was important for me to read about a character who was a little more like, well, like me basically, than the usual adventure hero. I guess it's kinda why I distinctly remember being sad upon learning that Holmes wasn't a real person, even though by that point I really should have known better.

And to an extent I think that's also part of why Sherlock managed to effectively sustain the kind of popularity he had, that he felt "real" to begin with. That he appealed to audiences worldwide in ways even they didn't quite understand at the time. He was not the most published character worldwide, possibly not even the most popular one in his time, but he was modern and vivid to an extent that's allowed him to outlast the Nick Carters and Sexton Blakes and Nat Pinkertons of his time, and become not just THE touchstone of 19th century detective fiction, but also a popular and modern character today. Holmes appeals a lot to people who can't quite see themselves as an outgoing action hero, but who can use their intelligence and reasoning to improve conditions for others, and I definitely think he owes at least some of his iconic popularity to that thoughtfulness.

least favorite thing about them

Definitely when adaptations have him be rude or belittling or dismissive to Watson, that's easily the fastest way to get me to dislike a Sherlock adaptation, and sadly that's been a trend even in the earliest days of Sherlock adaptations or fanfic (which, back in the day, were basically the same thing). I'm also really not a fan of the more asshole takes on Sherlock that comically exaggerate how rude and insensitive he is, or takes that just make him a crimefighting Sheldon Cooper, and-

Actually I'm just gonna say BBC's Sherlock and call it a day.

favorite line

My dear fellow," said Sherlock Holmes as we sat on either side of the fire in his lodgings at Baker Street, "life is infinitely stranger than anything which the mind of man could invent. We would not dare to conceive the things which are really mere commonplaces of existence. If we could fly out of that window hand in hand, hover over this great city, gently remove the roofs, and peep in at the queer things which are going on, the strange coincidences, the plannings, the cross-purposes, the wonderful chains of events, working through generation, and leading to the most outre results, it would make all fiction with its conventionalities and foreseen conclusions most stale and unprofitable.

brOTP

Well, duh. I'm also fond of the idea of him and Arsene Lupin having a more-friendly sort of rivalry, even if they can't quite be on the same side and I still ultimately prefer that Lupin takes the win (or at least the spiritual victory). And of course I have my pet headcanons about him and The Shadow being acquaintances.

OTP

None in particular. I like the popular headcanon that Holmes is asexual, and this doesn't exactly mean he can't have an amorous or sexual relationship with anyone, but generally I don't think of Holmes in those terms.

nOTP

Irene Adler. I think it kinda goes without saying too.

random headcanon

I'd like to play around with the idea of Sherlock often trying to find healthier outlets for his boredom and attention span, that aren't crime-solving or cocaine (largely thanks to Watson bugging him), that he spends an adventure trying to get the hang of while doing his thing, and may or may not turn out to be revelant

Like he's discussing crime scene details with Lestrade while balancing a broom on his foot El Chavo-style, and he remarks that, yes, of course this is research, the robber may have disguised himself as a janitor in order to sneak past police headquarters, and without fingerprints, he needs to try and measure the size and weight of the man by gauging the available brooms at the police station they could have used.

Lestrade doesn't question anything Sherlock does anymore, and Watson is trying very hard to keep a straight face because he knows it's not true, Holmes has been at this for over a week now at home, but it's been a slow week and he'll encourage anything if it keeps Holmes off the cocaine (can't make promises on nicotine though, but, baby steps).

unpopular opinion

I guess the closest I'd have to one would be that I actually prefer Holmes as more of a side character rather than an active protagonist and that I don't think the premise of "Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century" is the most idiotic thing ever and I am very willing to give the show a chance when I watch it.

I think maybe my real unpopular opinion as a Sherlock fan is that I don't think Arthur Conan Doyle was unjustified in his hatred of Sherlock's popularity, considering that he was dealing with an aggressive fandom long before people had an idea on how to deal with that sort of thing, and he could not have possibly predicted the sheer influence his character was going to have on fiction as a whole.

Also, he was right about some of the things he believed in. Yes, that includes the fairies. No, it doesn't make him any less gullible for having fallen for that trick.

song i associate with them

None in particular so instead I'm going to present the theme from The Great Mouse Detective, which I'm sure goes without saying is the best adaptation of Sherlock Holmes alongside those starred by Jeremy Brett, and DEFINITELY has the best version of Moriarty by a country mile.

favorite picture of them

For the moment I'm going to say this illustration by Jess Miriam. I love it's usage of shadow, it's background, the light coming off the pipe and the smoke encircling Holmes, and I love the scene it depicts from "The Man With The Twisted Lip", where Holmes at once seems to perform an act of utmost kindness but is, in reality, solving the mystery through a most unorthodox and yet ingenious method, all with the smallest of gestures. Definitely speaks a lot to what I most like about Sherlock Holmes

[copperhawks]

Asexual Constant and why he means the World to me: Part 1

Constant didn’t see why that made a difference. How were Sav and Don’s heart troubles any different from Constant’s heart troubles when Daine was missing, or when he saw Sav sad for their dead parents, or when he felt lonely and lost? All those things hurt his heart. They were big too, they mattered too.

There are a few signs early on that Constant is asexual/aromantic/aspec, but in chapters 18 and 19, this becomes pretty explicit.

First, is this piece of internal musing from Constant in chapter 18.

Daine tells him that Sav often gets really mean when he’s “heartsore” and Constant can’t understand why. He says that HE doesn’t get mean while he’s “heartsore” so why would Sav. All Daine offers is that it’s “different.”

And to be honest, even without the asexuality, Constant’s RIGHT. There are obviously differences in how platonic love, familial love, and romantic love express themselves and how they effect people and their relationships. But the INTENSITY of each love can be entirely equal. The love you feel for your mother, your best friend, and your romantic partner can all be the exact same level of intensity.

Sav’s meanness when he’s heartsore over Don isn’t explicitly due to it being of a romantic nature. It’s far more complex than that, relating to how his relationship to Don even came about, what their relationship was outside to it becoming romantic, and what it’s become since both of those relationships ended. It has a lot more to do with what Sav thinks of himself and how his relationships to Don have shaped that. His relationship to Don is COMPLICATED, to say the least, even before the green hair and unsuccessful exile. His meanness over it stems from that complexity, not just because it’s romantic.

Constant’s confusion over is just so intensely relatable to someone who grew up not really getting the whole Thing over romance, at least in real life. I had no problems watching rom coms and reading books with romance in them and got really excited when two characters who were clearly feeling feelings for each other finally were allowed to kiss. But in real life? Was I supposed to be DOING something to acquire those feelings or were they just supposed to come to me? Were the feelings I had when I was around my friends potentially romantic or not? Had I ever felt it and I just didn’t know what it was, so it had passed me by?

Figuring out you’re ace, for me, meant living in a world of constant (ha) confusion for a while and just... having to play act for a while until a few things came across my attention on social media and helped me understand what asexuality even meant and the variations that came within it etc etc.

Asexuality isn’t a thing that’s really ever DISCUSSED and it certainly never made its way into media I had available growing up as a child. I read Tamora Pierce books where everyone had a love interest they got together with at the end and possibly multiple love interests within one series. The one person who didn’t end up with someone still had crushes she could identify as crushes and slept with one of them before she was 18, all experiences I couldn’t really say that I had. So even though Kel has now been WOG’d as aroace, when I first read her series, she still fell into the same molds as the other Pierce characters had. And I mean, I didn’t have the WORDS to even be able to headcanon her as asexual/aromantic back then, so it just seemed progressive for her not to end up with anyone by the end of the novel, but that we were supposed to assume that, within a few years, she probably would, once she found the right person.

At no point does she have thoughts like the ones Constant expresses above, at least, not that I can remember. She doesn’t really question sex or romance, though she arguably has somewhat less of it than Alanna or Daine did during their books.

And it’s CONSTANT that gets me.

Hard.

Because wow do those words hit home for me. He’s not naive, or ignorant, he just... doesn’t get it. Because he doesn’t feel the same way, he can’t feel the DIFFERENCE between the different loves he’s felt for various people in his life. One is not arguably stronger than another unless he just... knows them a little better or has spent more time with them. But he’d probably say that he loves Daine and Sav equally even though, from what we know of Sav and Daine’s early lives, he’s probably spent far more time with Daine than he has with Sav.

And I just... when this chapter was published and I read those words, I think I melted. I felt like crying a little. I feel like crying now as I write this and this is gonna become a whole ass rambling essay about why I love asexual Constant so much.

I’ve seen a few pieces of media as I’ve gotten older that include asexual characters explicitly (the Shadowhunters TV show and the book Belle Revolte are two that immediately come to mind) but it’s by no means a long list and aside from Shadowhunters, none of them are mainstream. I hope that some kid somewhere was watching the episode where Raphael Santiago confesses that he’s asexual and the woman he’s in a relationship with (who is NOT asexual) listens politely and accepts him for who he is and gives him a hug at the end. They break up eventually, but it’s not because of his asexuality. I hope that kid heard Raphael Santiago talk about how he felt and went “oh wow, that’s exactly how I feel, it’s A REAL THING.” I wish I’d been able to BE that kid.

Asexuality is becoming more widely known among the LGBTQ+ community and within online fandoms and it’s not hard to find headcanons that see characters from popular media as ace/aro/aroace/aspec. And it is showing up in some queer YA media (see earlier example of Belle Revolte as well as Samantha Shannon’s Bone Season series). And that’s GREAT, it’s so awesome to see knowledge of this sexuality becoming more commonplace because it means more and more exposure to people who might not otherwise have a way to figure out what their feelings even MEAN.

Constant is not alone, by any means. But I think it almost means MORE to me that he’s an original character than if one of the canon characters had been made into an aspec character (which is a completely valid choice!), partially because... I didn’t expect it. At all. I didn’t expect to click the link for Chapter 18 and see my own mid to late teen years reflected back at me in one short paragraph. I didn’t expect to see it in a 14 year old boy whose main passion in life is hawks.

Constant and I don’t necessarily share a LOT in common: I do not have a passion for hawks (though I think they are wonderful and beautiful animals), both of my parents are very much alive and I know that they love me, I am not a younger child, I was not born to a specific responsibility of leadership I know I’ll one day have to take over.

But in this, we are reflections of each other. In a way I don’t know that I had ever felt reflected by a character before. He makes me cry. A lot.

Dee, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you enough for Constant. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to truly adequately explain what he means to me. But thank you. He means the world to me.

[ailuronymy]

Book Club: Tallstar’s Revenge, chpt. 28-36 overview.

A definitive diagnosis, courtesy of two famed armchair psychiatrists:

“Basically, this cat needs CBT.” -- S.

“YEP.” -- K.

This week we’re discussing this chapter through these nine questions. Please feel welcome to do the same and @ailuronymy + use the tag #ailuronymy writing challenge. Don’t forget: next time is the last section, but it’s never too late to jump on board if you want to!  Happy reading and I’m looking forward to seeing your feelings about this book.

1. First impressions?

K. Exhausting to read - like, genuinely, it was a slog. Jake is the only light in all of this badness, and even then.  S. Bad! We've hit Bluestar's Prophecy level and I don't see things turning around. Regrettable. 

2. How did you feel reading this section?

S. Hm. I would say one-part anger, to two-parts bored, with a dash of Love Jake. K. I'd say betrayed if I didn't fully expect this kind of pedantic shit from the Erins already. But like... yeah. I somehow didn't think it could get worse, and yet.

3. What chapter did you find most interesting/moving/effective, and why?

S. The one with Jake and Talltail inside the house as Jake tries to explain things to Talltail and convince him that to get what he wants he has to not be a jerk. K.  Chapter Thirty-One was fun just to see Jake/Talltail hijinks in play. Everything else was mind-numbing.

4. What chapter did you find least interesting/effective/most frustrating, and why?

S. Uhhh, all of them but especially the huge chunks of description while he was travelling and running around doing whatever the hell. In every way but physically, I was asleep. K. Yeah, same. The first chapter of this section has everything I hate: swaths of dry, meaningless descriptions, Shadowclan being vaguely mean, and Sandgorse Coming Back To Menace Me Personally. All bad.

5. Is there a passage that stuck in your mind–for good, or not-so-good reasons? What is it, and why did it stand out? Try breaking it down and analysing what this passage does and how.

S. For me, it was a specific line: “I just say yes to everything, he likes that” --  I LOVE Jake. S. It was so cute, and it captured such a nice relationship between Jake and his person. It also reminded me a lot of talking with the old boy, because probably we're just saying, "that's really interesting" to each other back and forth. 

K.  I agree. The line just before that is: “He is like kin,” Jake snapped back. “I’ve known him my whole life. He makes sure I’m warm and fed. And I sit with him and keep him company when he’s alone. We talk to each other.” K. It's just? Sweet?? K.  Like, there's SO MUCH hate on Twolegs in Warriors for some level of understandable reasoning, but it felt so good to see Jake actively defending his owner's role in his life.

S. Yeah, I was like, okay Erin Hunter, so sometimes you get it. And then they turn around and go straight back to self-wedgietown and I'm like, really. S. On that note:  S. I guess for not-good reasons, it has to be the kitty litter scene. S. Erin Hunter wins the gold in the "what the fuck are you doing" event, yet again.

6. The story has taken a major shift in setting and location. Do you like this new space more, or do you miss the clan? Why do you think you feel this way?

K. Bad! I want to be back with the Clans, please! It was terrible there but at least it wasn't whatever the fuck is happening here! K. That said, I did enjoy the house scenes. Just as a treat.

S. I was very curious to see how they were going to explore the outer world, but it was a huge let down. They either drowned it in empty, boring description, or just kind of overlooked it. They didn't go for the nice medium of interesting vignettes the way I (foolishly) had hoped for. S. More for me, I guess.

7. Last week we talked about what lessons we could learn from the text. This week, think about what lesson you would most want to teach Talltail at this junction in his life. What advice does he most need to hear?

K. PLEASE STOP BEING THE WORST K. But for real: hm. I guess like. You need to learn to let go of shit, my man. Sometimes bad things happen and you have to put them aside or else those feelings take over your life.

S. Yeah, I'm thinking along the same lines. I think Talltail really needs to learn how to separate his thoughts from his self, because he's clearly very invested in the narrative he's telling himself. He's had a history of negative self-view (encouraged by his environment) and it's going to be really beneficial for him to practice genuine mindfulness and recognise that a feeling is a feeling, not a command to be followed. A thought isn't you, it's a thought. You're allowed to have both--in fact, can't stop yourself from having both--but you don't have to believe in them or be controlled by them. S. What's motivating him is guilt, which often comes from shame and feelings of powerlessness. He's trying to take control and he feels this narrative he's telling himself is the solution. S.  So my advice would be basically that: you're not your thoughts or your feelings. Those just happen to you. Imagine them like weather, always changing, coming and going. S. And when you practice that enough, you'll become aware of how constructed it all is. You'll realise when you're acting through your emotions without being aware of them. For example, like this whole quest.

K. Oh, also as an add-on: obviously a lot of self-care and putting yourself on the path towards bettering yourself comes from choices only you can make, but listening to your support system and truly hearing what they have to say is also important! K. Talltail has had a lot of people around him trying to vouch for better options he could take to better himself, offering to listen and support him, and he's been too in his emotions or too angry to listen to them.

S. Basically, this cat needs CBT.

K. YEP.

S. I'd also like to offer advice to Jake. S. I want to tell him that he's right to stand up for himself. I want him to know that if someone he likes denigrates him or mocks him or views him as inferior, they are not being a good friend or partner and he deserves to have someone who builds him up, supports him, and respects him. S. That feels important to me, given how fast he seems to have fallen for someone behaving so poorly towards him. S. Like, not to be meta, but that's a Big issue in queer community in the real world.

K. It's true! K. People get so desparate for connection that it's easy to let a lot of red flags go unnoticed for the sake of keeping something going.

S.  Queer folk believing that they're unlovable, so they settle for anyone who gives them attention or insinuates that maybe they're okay. Queer folk feels so desperately, deeply isolated and lonely, that they decide to get with someone inappropriate or even toxic because they're terrified that they'll never find anyone else, that it's their only chance at finding a romantic partner. S. Exactly. I want Jake to know that he's loveable and valuable, and that having high standards and expectations and healthy boundaries for a partner and romantic relationship is good and important for finding the right relationship and achieving the kind of happiness he's looking for.

8. Think back over the book so far (including this section). Out of all the characters, who do you relate to the most? Is this because the character is similar to you in personality, or because their experiences are familiar to you–or a bit of both?

K. In its own way, I think I can find aspects of Tallpaw relatable. Wanting to direct your anger at people over things you can't change or take back is something that's pretty human. K. But on the flipside: I would like to think that I could relate to someone like Dawnstripe, too? In being able to look back on those moments with an adult's perspective and be able to go "Hey, listen, I've got your back, but also: have some advice that you really need to hear."

S. Same hat! S. I was also going to say Dawnstripe. Out of all the characters, I relate most to her--probably because she's a teacher! I also got wildly mad at that stunt Sandgorse pulled with the tunnel, and Shrewpaw in that fight, so I feel like Dawnstripe is definitely a character that speaks to my experience of this book. S. We can make our first Book Club merch: we are all Dawnstripe.

K. YES. I’m okay with this. K. The back of the shirt says "heatherstar please call me back" in tiny font.

S. GOD. Iconic. 

9. We’re on the second last section of this novel. Next week, we read the end! But before we get there, what do you think will happen? If you’ve already read this novel before, use this space to write what you remember feeling at the end last time–did you feel happy, sad, disappointed, angry? Do you think you’ll feel differently this time?

K.  Sandgorse is going to personally come into my home and destroy me on the spot with bad characterization, and that's a threat from Erin Hunter herself.

S. Yeah, you were very right when you predicted that he'd be giving Tallstar one of his lives, I think.

K. Talltail hasn't even had an apprentice yet! We're just gonna fast-track his entire warrior-hood and go straight to leadership once he gets back to Windclan, I think.

S. Yep! Just like they did for Bluestar. S. Everyone knows being a deputy is a boring, worthless job and the only thing that matters is being leader.

K. Sigh.

S. Obviously, Talltail isn't going to kill Sparrow, and Jake and Talltail will have some kind of sad goodbye, and then Talltail will go back to Windclan like, "sorry I left, I had a crisis."

K. Yeah, and they'll all go "Oh hey dude, thanks for showing back up, we weren't too worried"

S.  "We barely noticed you were gone." [zoom in to Talltail's dead eyes as he looks at the camera] S. Also, what's the bet that they're going to manifest some drama over Talltail with Reena and Jake? 

K. Oh, I'd say the chances of that are relatively high. K. It'll happen for like 1.5 chapters. K. And then be ignored.

S. Like, what's the bet they're going to try to shove a heterosexual plot in there and have Reena be all over him and mad that Jake's even there?

K. Yep yep yep. K. And then Talltail will snap out of it to brood more.

S.  Which is going to be wild given that the last time Reena saw Talltail, he was a huge prick. S. But she's a woman, he's a man, can Erin Hunter make it any more obvious?

Final notes:

K. Please. Unleash thy rage. S. From my notes: S.  "Erin Hunter is fucking wild, we don’t NEED the level of realism “taking a dump in front of my soon-to-be boyfriend,” holy fuck, great first date, you fucking crazy people" K. IT'S BAD!!!!!!!! IT'S SO BAD!!!!!!!!!! S. I literally had to stop reading to laugh for a full minute. S. I was like, you've got to be kidding me, you've got to be kidding me. Just a desperate chant. S. But they were not kidding me! S. And what makes it so egregious is that it's in such fucking detail. S. If this was Watership Down, a scene would not be ruined by: "He passed hraka by some ragwort before hopping over to him. "All right," said Pine. "What do you need?"" Like, it's not disruptive and doesn't ping to change the tone or like, emotional calibre of the story. S. Jake giving Talltail step-by-step instructions on how to relieve himself while watching was absolutely way off.

K. I am taking a fucking screenshot because look at this. Look at how horrendous this looks. This is the visual, writing equivalent of staring at a desert wasteland full of nothing. K. [screenshot of several pages of description] K. Pictured above: NOTHING IS FUCKING HAPPENING S. I KNOW S. It was just barren expanses of running around that did nothing, achieved nothing, moved the story forward no amount. K. It is just. So monotonous. It's dry, and boring, and it feels so lifeless. K. It's the equivalent of fucking... fourth grade bullshit. "Talltail walked to the log. He jumped on it and used it to cross the river. He leaped off and continued on through the grass. Then he saw a moth." S. But yeah, it was unbearable. My eyes glazed over and I skimmed just about all of it. S. Other notes: S.  “I’m just skimming all this description, I don’t care, I’ve got teacher-brain on and all I’m thinking is, this could have been summary [...] and there’s so much description again, it’s just not interesting! I don’t know why people think “action” is interesting. It’s barely interesting for more than two minutes in an action FILM, why do you think a book is going to be somehow more successful at being an impressive spectacle than a film, my god, learn your goddamn medium”

K. SANDGORSE STAY DEAD 2K20 S. Note: "I fucking hate this bullshit ghost of Sandgorse thing. I can’t believe they killed off the character I loathed just to bring him back for reasons of cryptic bullshit" K. The fact that his ghost keeps fucking showing up is killing ME K. ESPECIALLY because he's gonna come back like "Son...... this is not the way...... Im proud of you.........." K. And Talltail will go "oh shit oh fuck you're right" S. "Daddy loved me all along. It's my fault for not realising that.” S. Literally all I can think about when Sandgorse shows up in these chapters is that bit in Twilight where Edward Cullen's force ghost or whatever is like, lie.

S. Because of how Talltail's behaving, I actually really do not vibe Jake and Talltail's relationship at all. K. Oh?? Go off, my good bitch. S. It pings badly for me that Jake meets this guy, who's an arsehole, and then he helps this guy, who's still being a racist dick. Then he gets feelings about this guy in a really short period of time, despite minimal changes in his behaviour towards him. K. Oh boy, yeah, that's all true. S. Not to be like Twilight again about it but like: this is not a great start to a relationship. This is actually a red flag. Someone who doesn't respect you and is just a prick and is using you as a means to an end, is not someone you should be attracted to. The fact that Jake is says something about how he's doing emotionally, and it really conflicts for me that someone with such a certain sense of self and value would find Talltail even remotely attractive. I don't believe it.

K. Jake’s superpower is just Being Kind & Having Reasonable Thoughts. “Aren’t you tired of going ape shit, Talltail? Don’t you just wanna be nice?” S. God, you're so right. S. I am super looking forward to writing Jake and Talltail's Hot Girl Summer, though. K. Which like, if Talltail had better things to be frustrated about, I would love Jake to fill his role of like... the complimentary half to Talltail, in that regard. K. Talltail is just SO in his head about EVERYTHING and Jake is just living in the moment! S. He’s vibing! K.  Lmao also from the notes: Jake shifted his paws. “I know I’m a kittypet. I’m happy with that.” He began to head down the slope that led into the valley. “It doesn’t mean I can’t walk a different path for a while.” — Talltail, recently shoved back into the closet, randomly befriending a comfortably out bisexual otter… who’d have thought S. Canon Talltail is a hot mess and that's Erin's fault, but these two are good. K. more highlights: The hunting scene… sharing together… “Only if it’s offered.” “I’m offering.” How the fuck did the Erins stumble into speaking in tongues and the translation coming out as Gay Rights S. "It's rotten work." "Not if I'M OFFERING." K. Talltail’s mew trailed away. He didn’t want Jake to go. He searched the kittypet’s green gaze. “You don’t have to come.” “I want to!” Jake shifted his paws, adding quietly, “If you don’t mind, that is.” Talltail glanced at the ground, feeling hot. “I don’t mind,” he murmured. “It’s good to have company.” — LIKE THEY REALLY ARE JUST LIKE THIS K. Oh man I have some other good notes: I can’t believe that Talltail is SO edgy and in his feelings that he can’t even stomach simulated affection to this random human. “Pretend it’s a tree” DUDE just let yourself GO, release your inhibitions  K. God can you just imagine K. Talltail finding Jake who gets him to calm down by getting so fucking cat high S.  Just like, "here dude fucking chew this plant and maybe you’ll calm down." K.  Talltail: I want revenge :'( Jake: bro. shut up and eat this leaf

  K.  “Please can I go outside?” he mewed in his most plaintive voice.” — Talltail just sounds like a sad little Victorian orphan. I can’t believe all the Miette goofs are canon and real. You kick Talltail like the football? Oh! Oh! Jail for Starclan! Jail for Starclan for one-thousand years! S. I know. I was losing it that we basically predicted the whole scene with Jake and his person. S. "I taught him how to say food but he's very bad at it." S. That was probably the most enjoyable moment in the entire section for me. S.  Makes you really wonder why the fuck pet cats have human-given names, though. K. FUCK IT DIDN'T EVEN HIT ME THAT UHHH K. THAT'S WACK HUH ISNT IT S. It's so wack.

K. I want us to just break something down for a hot moment S. I love to break it down with you. K. Talltail's plan is... bad S. Oh, it's dumb as hell. K. Like I'm imagining all of this from Sparrow's perspective K. Like it's one of those podcast horror stories S. I have that note too: this dude has no idea. K. "So one summer I accidentally got into a bad accident, and the guy I was with didn't make it out. His kid is really broken up about it and is pretty pissed at me, and straight up ignores me or glares at me the rest of the summer. Fast forward a few months and suddenly he shows up again out of the blue, and now says he wants to stay with me and my family. Says he's changed and that he wants to spend more time with us. THEN HE PLANS MY MURDER" S. It's really funny to imagine Talltail staring into the distance like, "my nemesis, you killed my father, prepare to die." And then smash cut to a completely oblivious Sparrow like, taking a nap. Having a snack with his friends. Smelling a flower.

S. Note:  "I’m so unbelievably bored of Talltail having the same three stupid thoughts over and over and over" S. “The heartless rogue was going to pay for destroying his life” GOD SKIP S. “Twolegs are rabbit-brains.” get some new material for fuck’s sake S. His internal monologue is now entirely on par with Bluefur's I feel like? K. it is!!!! it is!!!!!! K. It's the same quality! It's just so disappointing that a book that started off like. K. SOMEHOW better than BP. K. Just swiftly dunked us back in the can. S. They just beat you to death over and over with the same inane conversations, the same unconvincing internal monologue. You could have a better book by literally just cutting this one in half. Just edit out all the repetitive bullshit. S. But they need to reach word count, so they don't. They shove more in, because there has to be 45 chapters, because it's a super edition. K. It's disgusting. I know y'all have a business to run but also If It Weren't For The Laws Of This Land, S. It really reframes for me all the people who were like, "it's the best super edition!" doesn’t it? K. YEAH S. Like, yikes.  K. Like it's better than a lot of super editions and by a lot I mean Surprise, They're All The Same Fucking Book, K. How do you write the same book like forty times and never get it right, like, once.

[aion-rsa]

Star Trek: Discovery Season 3 Episode 6 Review: Scavengers

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This Star Trek: Discovery review contains spoilers.

Star Trek: Discovery Season 3, Episode 6

If you want to understand how Star Trek has evolved as a franchise, look no further than “Scavengers.” The Star Trek: Discovery episode sees its main character, Michael Burnham, disobeying a direct order from her commanding officer (again) in order to go on a rogue mission with Emperor Georgiou to save her, ahem, friend Book and secure a pre-Burn Starfleet black box. It’s the sort of stunt Kirk pulled on the regular (and, yes, this includes Kelvin Kirk), and it’s the kind of stunt Kirk would have been celebrated for it—both within the world of the TV show or film and, more importantly, by the viewer. Here, the context is much more complicated. We viewers are encouraged to understand why Michael did it and to see the goodness of her motivations, while also being encouraged to see how and why Burnham’s actions negatively impacted her crew and could have led to some devastating consequences. Frankly, it’s a radical and deeply interesting subversion of the myth of American individualism, and it’s one that the Star Trek universe is well-equipped to make.

American pop culture has a relative dearth of good stories about institution, especially for a culture currently struggling with the failure of so many and a deep distrust in the ones that remain. Star Trek has, generally, been an outlier to that rule. From the beginning, it has been a story that is not so much interested in depicting a utopian future as it is depicting a future with a utopian institution: the Federation. The world of Star Trek has never been one without its problems. This is a universe that still knows wars, famine, and systemic inequality. But it is also a universe that has an institution that works, one that our heroes are not only a part of, but believe in. Though this is challenged as Trek goes on, especially in a show like Deep Space Nine, it is rarely completely undermined as a possible ideal. In Trek, the dream of an institution that works for the many is not a pipe dream; it’s a pragmatic one.

How does this all relate to Star Trek: Discovery? Well, unlike the first two seasons of this show, Season 3 is deeply interested in exploring this idea of the possibility of a good and functional institution. The Burn may have destroyed what the Federation once was, but it still exists in some form. Much of Season 3’s tension has been the question of whether that pragmatic dream of putting one’s trust, work, and time into this collective organization is a worthwhile one or rather, like so many modern TV series tell us, that believing in something larger than yourself is for suckers.

In “Scavengers,” Michael demonstrates how she has lost patience with that dream. For her, for a no doubt very long year, it was for suckers. The Federation wasn’t coming to save her, so she had to learn how to save herself, and that is a hard habit to break. In that time without her crew of her Federation, Michael did have someone. She had Book and it’s understandable that she wants to save him here. When his life is put in jeopardy, Michael is forced to choose between the status quo she once had (which fostered a belief in the Federation) and the status quo she has been forced to live with for the past year (which fostered a belief that she could only trust herself and Book).

In Michael’s mission into Emerald Chain territory, not only is she trying to find information that she believes will help the entire Federation, but she is also trying to save someone she cares deeply about. Her motives fit well into Federation values, but her actions chafe against them. Part of being part of a collective (no Borg allowed) means making decisions together and, in a hierarchal institution like Starfleet, it means sometimes having to go along with a choice that you think is the wrong one. It’s an experience that a deeply individualistic American culture is not often encouraged to accept as a valuable one. And it’s a part of my culture I have been thinking a lot about during the COVID crisis, as we watch the United States failure to embrace a “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of a few” ethos.

Interestingly, “Scavengers” puts a decent amount of narrative time into looking at why Michael’s choice was perhaps the wrong one, and it’s a thematic thread that picks up on characterization from earlier in the season, and earlier in this series. Since her reunion with the Discovery, Michael has been trying to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to be part of the crew and the Federation, but she only wants to follow the rules when they align with her personal priorities. We saw her go behind Saru’s back in “People of Earth,” planning a rogue mission with Book that relied on Saru blindly trusting her, which he did. But, after this latest stunt, that trust is seriously frayed. Saru can’t rely on Michael and, perhaps, vice versa. If Michael tried the “People of Earth” stunt now, it might go very differently. Saru is smart to recognize how that is a serious problem that needs to be addressed now, when the stakes are relatively low.

Of course the stakes aren’t low emotionally. The weight of how he should respond to Michael’s insubordination obviously weighs heavily on Saru’s shoulders. He goes to Tilly for advice, and she tells him what he needs to hear: Michael’s decision puts the entire crew’s future in the Federation in jeopardy. It must be met with consequence. And it is. In the final, best scene in the episode, we see Saru strip Michael of her first officer duties. It’s the right decision—even Michael thinks so—but that doesn’t make it any easier for Saru to accept. This willingness to lean into the difficult questions is, more than anything else, what makes Saru a good captain.

Interestingly, Vance also rebukes Saru before giving Michael a bigger dressing-down. He thinks Saru should have come to him with Michael’s intel about the black boxes and the opportunity of securing another. Like Michael, Saru has perhaps become somewhat used to not having a commanding officer to check in with. And he really hasn’t been a captain for very long.

Is Vance hiding something about The Burn? Perhaps. Vance continues to dismiss Michael’s valid point that, without solving the mystery of The Burn, the Federation will never be able to properly move on. Vance’s reluctance to invest resources in solving this mystery could simply be a very understandable attempt to prioritize saving lives rather than investing in the long-term health of the Federation as an institution, or it could be that he is trying to hide something ugly about the Federation’s potential role in the disaster. Only time will tell. For now, the crew of the Discovery continues to move forward, with the belief that the dream of the institution is something worth investing in. What a statement.

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Additional thoughts.

If you’re a fan of Big Plot Development, the beginning of Star Trek: Discovery Season 3 was like Grudge-nip. The first three episodes of the season dealt with the major repercussions of Michael and the Discovery, respectively, jumping through time and then, eventually, coming back together—with an additional one-year time-jump for Michael thrown in for good measure. While the fourth episode leaned into the character repercussions of it all, last week saw another major plot development when the Discovery found the 32nd-century version of the Federation. This week’s episode, “Scavengers,” like that other Season 3 outlier “Forget Me Not,” was another episode that was more about moving the chess pieces than taking any pieces. This is the kind of transitionary installment that is all about following up on lingering character moments and minor plot threads, which is not to say that it didn’t have its excellent moments, just that it very much felt like an episode that comes in the middle of the season. I have a feeling that, looking back on “Scavengers,” we will see the many major plot developments it is setting up for the second half of the season.

One of the captains who takes part in Vance’s meeting is an older woman and I know this is not the first time we have seen an older woman in a position of authority in Star Trek or pop culture in general, but it still feels rare enough to both give me a thrill when it happens and to be commented upon.

I can’t help comparing the Discovery this season to the experience of living in a quaranteam. This episode, Michael made a decision to increase the quaranteam’s risk level without getting the pod’s approval. Not cool, Michael. (But also: good job saving lives.)

I am Team Healthy Institution, generally, but working within bureaucracy takes time. Being a lone wolf is definitely faster and more flexible. I do get Michael’s frustrations here.

Do we think Georgiou likes Saru? When Michael asks her to go rogue with her, Georgiou immediately points out how it will screw over Saru, which is kind of cool and unexpected.

Michael “I’d rather regret something I did than something I didn’t” Burnham.

I love how, within weeks of getting captured into this forced labor camp, Book knows like the whole history of the place, including the failed revolutions.

We get an Adira/Stamets plotline this episode that is both sweet and somewhat frustrating. Like, I get that Stamets is being supportive here and I love that, but also life-death does work in a linear fashion in almost all cases. Rather than Star Trek: Discovery having to give queer characters a Get Out of Death Free card, I’d rather they, you know, just not kill them in the first place.

Michael and Georgiou’s rescue mission has got to be one of the most obvious rescue missions in history. This isn’t a critique. I love how big they go here. Georgiou is obviously loving it.

In the great dogs v. cats debate, Star Trek seems to come down on the side of the cats. Porthos aside, from “Catspaw” to Grudge, the cat energy in this show has always been stronger than the dog energy. And I say this as someone who has neither a metaphorical dog nor a literal dog in this fight. (But Tilly doesn’t like cats, which I love for her as a character trait. Just when you think she’s gonna zig, she zags…)

But is there more to Grudge than meets the eye? Almost definitely.

For the record, a cat in a spaceship would probably convince me.

Do we think Linus will ever get a proper storyline? Do we want Linus to get a proper storyline?

Um… I feel like this black box information is something Michael should have already mentioned to Saru. Or is this a symptom of how deep her inability to trust right now goes?

We get more information about the Emerald Chain here, mostly about the character of Osira. While we don’t get to meet her in person, we do meet her meathead nephew. Presumably, this means that she is an Orion and also that she is the worst.

“I love me.” I love you too, Michelle Yeoh.

We don’t get a lot of answers regarding Georgiou’s apparent PTSD here. She seems to be remembering something from her Mirror Universe past, and it was not fun. Is this a result of her conversation with Kovich? Probably. Is it something that will lead to her Section 31-centric spinoff? Most definitely. Read some of our speculation on that here.

“Let me just say, there’s no head injuries…” I love this as a conversation opener.

“We always find each other.” If you were wondering, yes, I am 100% into the Michael/Book thing. Thank you, show, for giving Michael a healthy love interest storyline this time.

Bonus!: We get another “toothbrushing” scene with Stamets and Hugh this episode, which is to say: a scene of them being domestic and sweet together. In general, I am for more domestic scenes for this entire ensemble. After all, the Discovery is not only their workplace but also their home. #relatable

I want bocci on my spaceship.

“One day, we will find the answers we are all looking for.” Yes, Saru is my favorite character. Yes, I am so happy he is getting so much to do this season.

The post Star Trek: Discovery Season 3 Episode 6 Review: Scavengers appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[charlenelouise-gdc]

Personal Practice:

London Film Festival 2019: Review

2 - 13 October 2019. This is potentially one of my favourite times of the year.

For me, its such an important period in my calendar - not only professionally but personally. I find film festivals a wonderful way of watching or accessing films. There is almost an organic way to it: seeing it with fresh eyes, everyone being in the same boat or seeing it before everyone else, not influenced by other people’s comments or opinions (on the film being screened). It allows me to have a pure experience with the film. I am able to cultivate my own ideas on it and evaluate it later on down the line. It feels much more like a richer experience.

Also, I simply love the buzz that it involves. The conversations had, emotions shared and the people you meet. From the screenings to the red carpet, I feel like there is a good sense of community. I find festivals a wholesome, exciting experience. Also, I feel a lot closer to my aspirations as a filmmaker in this setting. It makes me feel hopeful.

Most importantly, it reminds me why I love the art form in the first place. Being united by one thing before them and seeing the natural reaction among crowds, this is something rare - especially in a world that often feels “lonely" and when there seems to be very little reason to be united about.

Of course, in the time of digital distribution and binge-watching, these new found ways of distribution has its own positives. This is particularly true in reach; on demand viewing makes cinema a much more democratic experience. For instance, they enable niche, independent films to be seen by those who live in remote places or do not have access to independent cinemas without the need of travelling to major cities like London or New York. Both methods of viewing, on demand and via the cinema, are equally important and has their own strengths. At the end of the day, as long as the film is being shown and reaches its audience - that’s all that matters. However, there is still must be said about the cinema experience and the magic it offers. In its darkness and the glow of the projector, you get to escape and enter another world momentarily - live out the ordinary you know of.  Film festivals, to me, is cinema viewing in its purest form and preserves that experience.

I was also lucky to be in the presence of the filmmakers themselves in some of my screenings. In the special presentations and Q+A sessions that followed the screening, they were able to contextualise their films and share the process behind the choices they make. I learned a lot from them and its a good educational experience.

In this year’s programme, I was able to watch the following films… I have also included some initial thoughts and comments from my notes for future reference.

Our Ladies (Dir. Michael Caton-Jones) - Drama/Comedy Heartwarming! Such a good feel-good film. Close to my heart as I come from Catholic education and has female friendship at the heart of it. It shows what good casting can do and proves it’s an equally important creative choice. The main ensemble really carried the film and a great part of what makes it so charming. Can’t wait to watch again!

The Lighthouse (Dir. Robert Eggers) - Horror/Drama Excellent, well-crafted sound design. Quite wild for an 8am viewing. The framing and composition of the image are done with great precision; it’s quite stunning to watch and I couldn’t look away despite feeling sheer terror at times.

Make Up (Dir. Claire Oakley) - Psychological Drama Unfortunately unable to finish the film due to scheduling conflict. Promising story against a holiday park backdrop and brings to light seaside small town life (which is often overlooked). Interesting blend of genre. 

Premature (Dir. Eashaad Ernesto Green) - Drama Most disliked film from my viewing. Although I appreciate the authentic portrayal/visibility of Black youth in what seems to be an alternative of New York city life (away from the glamourised, white lens), the story is so underwhelming. Too tragic at times and pacing was dull. Lots of unnecessary shots (especially during intimate scenes) that served no purpose aside from catering to the male gaze - a complete disservice to the strong female lead its meant to be portray.

House of Us (Dir. Yoon Ga-eun) - Drama/Family A tender story. Told from children’s point of view which is so refreshing to watch; it served as a nice reminder that children are whole people too, with their own thoughts and valid feelings - which I often forget. As a society, we often disregard them for being dependent or “incomplete”. Although I found myself being annoyed at the children, the film really makes you empathetic. Colour grading is divine; has a childlike brightness that honours the story and the lens its being told. Followed similar style to “Florida Project”, where a lot of the image is shot a low height to resemble children’s perspective.

Marriage Story (Dir. Noah Baumbach) - Drama/Comedy-Drama Good performances from Johansson and Driver. I particularly loved the opening as it symbolised the beginning of the end for the couple. It had a wonderful attention to detail too (the letters). Baumbach is a good screenwriter and hits the lines where its suppose to be (e.g. fight at the apartment near the end of the film, although Charlie says such childish things - its reflective of the truth/a natural reaction to such event).

The Kingmaker (Dir. Lauren Greenfield) - Documentary/Drama About Philippine politics. Made me feel so angry as it hits so close to home, which still affect me and my family today. Clever structure. It begins by almost mocking Imelda Marcos which gives it  a comedic effect and a lighthearted touch - necessary to tackling a heavy subject. However, it unravels slowly and leaves you with a gut punch feeling in the end, hitting you cold hard facts and what reality is for the ordinary Filipino people - away from Imelda’s rich and flamboyant world. It made me want to start a revolution.

The Disappearance of My Mother (Dir. Beniamino Barrese) - Documentary A story told in a such loving lens. An interesting study on the relationship (of Benedetta Barzini) with the camera - especially as a model and now through her filmmaker son’s lens. Raises the questions: how to be seen, how would you like to be seen, to what level or depth you can actually be seen. Nice mix of archive and interviews. I like the imperfect shots the most where the filmmaker just carries the camera - shaky, unbalanced; it makes it feel more intimate.

And Then We Danced (Dir. Levan Akin) - Romance/Drama Warm and tender. Beautiful colour grading that matched the essence of the film - delightful yellow tones. Such an important story to tell and captured the zeitgeist of today (lgbt love story/coming of age in one of the most orthodox countries in the world - Georgia). Respectful portrayal of Georgian dance and traditions; shown with honour and pride. Closing scene is so moving and strong; it captures him coming to terms with his identity - both as a dancer and as a queer person. The desire told in this story is multifaceted - his desire to become the best dancer and his desire for Irakli.

Portrait of a Lady on Fire (Dir. Céline Sciamma) - Romance/Drama A compelling story. I’m always fascinated by strong stories that is held together by a small ensemble or little cast. It reminds me that as long as you have a solid story and characters with depth, you don’t need a lot to make it a fulfilling and rememberable. Bursting with colour. Every frame feels like a painting. The cinematography has a beautiful kind of stillness; I appreciate this so much as it feels like a complete antithesis to society/our current way of life. So refreshing to see the female gaze in its full glory. Closing scene is so moving and powerful - similar to Luca Guadagnino’s Call Me By Your Name. This really stayed with me.

Overseas Documentary (Dir. Yoon Sung-A) - Documentary Interesting background - Belgian/French production about a Filipino story, told by a Korean director. I really enjoyed the observational eye this documentary is told; allowing the story unfold by itself. It enabled the people to tell their story; the most authentic and truthful lens.

Lingua Franca (Dir. Isabel Sandoval) - Drama Promising work from Sandoval. Another important story worth telling, especially since its a minority story (trans, undocumented woman in America, trying to get a Green Card/be legalised; how this is a dehumanising process). However, I find that it focused too much on tragedy. Also, editing felt off at times or left too ambiguous.

Matthias + Maxime (Dir. Xavier Dolan) - Drama A pretty loud film. Lots of talking. Production Design is kind of weird as it doesn’t put a timestamp on the story (not sure if it was the 80s or early 2000s?). Perhaps this is to make the story timeless? But a part of me just found it a bit confusing. Strong casting and the ensemble is captivating to watch. I liked how the root of what happened to Matthias and Maxime wasn’t shown to show how it affected them after and the kiss wasn’t sensationalised. It made their kiss later on much more impactful (in relation to the build up). Nice story but not Dolan’s best.

Dogs Don’t Wear Pants (Dir. Jp. Valkeapää) - Drama Interesting experience. Offered a much more in-depth perspective on BDSM, on a personal/humanising standpoint that is beyond pleasure. Production Design was excellent. Cinematography is so precise and there’s a clear visual language shown. Hard story to get into and the pacing is quite slow, with a sudden rush near the end of the story.

Rocks (Dir. Sarah Gavron) - Drama/Youth Beautiful cast and has girls from minority backgrounds at the heart of its story - something that British cinema is yet to improve on. Interesting that the ensemble is made up of mainly non-actors to keep the youthful spirit alive. Making process is certainly interesting. However, the story is pretty much a given and I find that it focused too much on tragedy.

A Hidden Life (Dir. Terrance Malick) - War/Drama Slow cinema; nice contrast to the world and pace of life we all lead. Stunning cinema throughout: crisp sound design and cinematography feels like a painting, honouring nature and the environment. Really keep the senses alive. I like the use of the “active camera” (tracking shots, handheld), during the points of the film where it was the most joyful - it truly captured the beauty of life. Lots of upward shots, featuring the sky - something quite holy and feels omnipresent. I like how the bond between the husband and wife is portrayed by the letters, which carries the story forward - a nice technique.

Personal favourites:

Tier 1: Our Ladies, And Then We Danced, Portrait of a Lady on Fire, The Kingmaker Tier 2: Matthias + Maxime, Lingua Franca, The Lighthouse

_______________________________

Additional viewings: Short Film - Programme 1 and 2 Programme 1: If I Knew / What do you know about the water and moon / White Girl / Fault Line / Gu04 / In Vitro Programme 2:

Algorithm / Between / In Between / Child / Watermelon Juice / Queering in Teknolojik

Seeing the Short Film Programme is also important in my professional development as its much more closer to where I am at in my practice. It showed me the kind of stories that are currently being told by my contemporaries and opens me up to new techniques or alternative ways of storytelling. Its always a eye opening experience and pushes me out of my comfort zone, widening my knowledge. It raises the questions: how can I do things differently? What makes this technique or story particularly strong? What do I like about this? What do I dislike about this? What are the key elements which makes me drawn to it. These questions and observations will help me shape and refine my practice. I hope to apply these in my next film and I look forward to what is next.

_______________________________

In the following year, I look forward to attending Cannes Film Festival (May) and Sundance London (May/June). Film festivals continue to have a special place in my heart.

[ark-of-eden]

Thoughts on the Function of Art?

(R:) I didn't want to append this to that big thread about censorship, questionable story content, and authorial intent because I am a Small Person who just consumes things and I was pretty sure that I can't actually add anything useful to the discussion. But I'm still stuck on it a little, so here is a thing that I'm putting behind a readmore in case everyone is fucking tired of the whole censorship debate.

tl;dr: Riss is old and grew up in an environment that was not exactly info-rich when it came to controversial issues. Riss is clumsily attempting to tape this and that together for some reason, possibly just to get it out of the brain. (This ultimately turned into a long fucking story about my early life that doesn't really go anywhere. It's just a long fucking story.)(**ALERT: This includes discussions of stereotypes, slurs, and fetishization.)

People in that thread pointed out the weird over-reliance on interrogating an author about what exactly they meant by writing certain content and that authorial intent should be a yardstick for whether certain content is edifying (and deserving of existence) or not. Other people wisely pointed out that every consumer will inevitably interpret every creation through the lens of their own experience and come up with a different take on what the piece is "saying" about whatever it depicts.

Back when I was very young, there was no way to directly contact any sort of creator. Novels had small text somewhere that mentioned how to send snailmail to the author C/O the publishing company, but naturally there could be no expectation that an author would ever actually write you back. Direct contact with creators was usually in the context of them being guests at a con or signing or gallery showing, which was sort of like seeing a band play live. Every other exposure to them was one-way or indirect, through their work or news articles or possibly from hearing a radio interview or watching a TV program about them, if they were important enough. This was pre-widespread-Internet, so nobody had blogs; some big-name people had fanclubs that mailed out regular newsletters, but the vast majority of creators had nothing but their content in circulation.

I guess that the point of saying all of that is just to illustrate that the present-day situation in which creators have public social media accounts that one can just drop into and toss opinions and questions about intent at them is...kind of a luxury, in my experience? For writers of "classics," there might be printed articles or essays in which they went on about their intent or process, but for creators who weren't popular while they were alive, historians have to go mining for diaries or letters to even get an idea of what sort of person they were, much less what they meant when they wrote that one scene from that one novel that was Kind Of Problematic.

And that was a tangent leading around to a perspective about creative work in general that I heard very early on and took to heart when it came to consuming media. I read somewhere that the point of creating something was to produce a response or emotion in the consumer. Any response. The creation was meant to be a catalyst for newness or change in the viewer, even if the response was something like anger, fear, or disgust. The worst possible response to a creation was dull indifference, because it had failed to do anything at all to the consumer.

I saw supporting evidence for this perspective in a lot of media. Bands built up weird, elaborate Aesthetics purely to draw attention to their songs, not because they were demonstrating some deeply-held belief system. (I've lost track of how many CDs I saw from bands who made dark music about cruelty, despair, and the emptiness of the universe and yet, in tiny liner-note text, poured out flowery squee about how they thanked the loving Lord God and Jesus Christ for blessing them with their musical careers.) Artists who talked to other artists about their craft admitted that they often made the art they did just because they wanted to make it for no special reason, but they fabricated deep-sounding bullshit to attach to it so that collectors would buy the thing just for the story that went with it.

A piece that kept getting talked about over and over back then was Piss Christ, which was literally a large glass jar full of urine that had a crucifix floating in it. Large sections of society were fucking outraged that this thing even existed, that galleries dared to let it darken their doorways, that the artist was even depraved enough to think up such a thing. I don't recall what the artist herself (I think it was a she) said about why she made it, but what was clear to me was that she had succeeded at the goal of art like an absolute champion. Nobody could look at that piece without having some kind of intense response, and whole groups of educated people were compelled to spill out their opinions and argue about it. Piss Christ was Successful Art, the thing that every piece of art wished that it could be. It didn't matter that most of the responses were negative. Apart from making it, the artist did nothing to encourage all the discussions prompted by the art's existence. People used it as a springboard for debates about What Is Art Really, the empty veneration of religious iconography, public obscenity, and all sorts of other things, entirely on their own.

Granted, there were clear downsides to not having instant access to people's creative narratives and backgrounds, or to the greater community of consumers. There were panels discussing themes in modern writing at cons and sometimes a nearby book club where people could rec things and talk about good and bad aspects to whatever they were reading, but if you weren't in a position to have either of those things? There wasn't a lot to do but chat with any reader buddies you might have or actually trust marketing. This book is a NYT Bestseller and has its own special display in Borders? Well, must be a well-written book with quality content, or else it wouldn't have that kind of backing, right? (I was such a trusting little idiot back then, seriously.) So this was when all those toxic norms of casual misogyny, racism, and queer villainization went unchallenged in a lot of places and was just The Way Things Are.

My family moved around to many parts of the US while I was young and I swear I never heard people anywhere bothering to have a discussion about the trend of weak female characters or how POC cultures kept getting reduced to exotic window dressing. There was a sense that those kinds of intellectual topics were the sort of thing that academics did in far-off Academic Country, where they only read classic literature and went over word-by-word symbolism with ever finer combs. I'm no quality literature historian, but I imagine that those kinds of thematic conversations probably got louder as widescale communication got easier, such that a person could throw out into the aether, "Is it just me, or is the only time when cultural elements from Asian, Middle Eastern, Native American, or African civilizations turn up in mainstream lit is when they need 'exotic savage foreigners'?" and people would be able to chorus back, "OMFG THANK YOU I thought I was the only one bothered by that!!" (I mean, advancements in communication helped every minority find other people like themselves, which is why the Internet is part of real life and a genuinely precious resource to isolated odd folk who are forced to live in places that are hostile to them. You no longer have to live your entire life being the only lonely freak instance of your kind in the entire universe.)

So I recognize the shitty situation of having mainstream marketers telling people which stories were good and which story elements were admirable without also having access to Discourse that would challenge those norms. I remember just accepting that girls would hardly ever be able to be heroes the way boys could be, and that people from far-away cultures were always primitive and backward but in fascinating ways. Nothing in my daily life countered anything that I read. Discussions that I found online much later in life caused me to rethink the trends in everything that I'd read as a kid and see it all with fresh eyes so that I could realign my opinions. It's vital to have discourse and challenge happening alongside creation so that we don't have generations of people absorbing shitty norms that are supported by fiction and not realizing that there are even alternative ways of seeing things.

But there's still that issue, in my mind, of a good creation being one that creates ripples far outside of itself by prompting any kind of response in the consumer. Which is, I guess, why it seems fine to me that Problematic things exist and that people encounter them even if they come away hating those things. The encounter with that thing can make a person think about their own perceptions and experiences, and it can prompt conversations about was learned from that encounter - the why of the result and what it means. Obviously, the same can be done with media that makes a person happy or comforted, and that ends up in Discourse because people end up comparing their experiences and questioning whether the people who are happy/comforted are correct to feel that way about the media.

(Bonus Tangent: it's never possible to be incorrectly upset/offended, only incorrectly happy, strangely. Because telling people that they are not allowed to be upset about something is controlling and aggressive, but telling people that they're wrong to enjoy something is...I'm not finding any positive result. It's shaming, which is a response used to exert social control over others. Talking about whether or not casting shame on total strangers leads to the desired result is something that even I don't want to take the space to talk about. I'm one of those who considers emotion to be out of a person's control. Emotion precedes action. What's important, IMO, is what action a person takes regardless of what emotions they might have, because it's possible to choose actions. Telling a person that they're not allowed to feel a certain way is an attack based on something that a person can't actually control. Whenever I see antis saying things like "no one should ever enjoy this content," I wonder how people are supposed to casually shut off their enjoyment. Can the antis shut off their outrage with a flip of a switch, since it's just an emotion too? Attempting to reprogram a person's emotional or motivational palette leads to things like conversion therapy, which has a high rate of failure/relapse and tends to traumatize people into other mental deformities. That's why it's far more useful to focus on responses to emotion instead of emotion itself. People with uncontrollable emotional responses - such as phobias or fetishes, say - can learn adaptive actions faster than they can unlearn emotional responses.)

This was a hugely roundabout way of saying that I really think that bad media or problematic media are still important. They can prompt discussion and introspection, as mentioned, but, IME, even a shitty representation of a concept can put cracks in a person's worldview and make it possible for them to be open to better ideas in the same vein later on.

For instance, I had that strict mainstream heteronormative upbringing. The only thing I knew about queer people for a huge part of my life was that they needed to be pitied because they were going to hell, and the closest thing to a trans person that I knew about was that Crying Game trap drag queen concept where the sinister man in a dress seduced honest straight men with borrowed feminine wiles. (I literally did not know that transgender people were actually real until after I was 20, which is one reason why I am such a massive late trans bloomer.) I also had that strict gender role upbringing in which there were certain things that a person must and must not do in order to be "proper."

Back when I first got on the Internet and started interacting with fandoms, genderswap fics were popular in my circle. Often, it was basically the same plot as the source material, but you'd switch everybody to the opposite binary gender and then, based on the assumption that men and women think and do things in slightly different ways, the plot would usually derail from canon because the genderswapped characters wouldn't do the same things that they canonically did. It was just one of many common fanfic thought exercises.

Looking back, reading genderswap fics was something that started eroding the strict worldview that I'd inherited. The "men and women just naturally do things differently" was enough in line with traditional gender roles that it passed by my defenses, but the swapped cast of just about everything ended up with lots of strong, heroic women and the occasional male sidekick. Further, writers tended to use the "women are more socially/emotionally intelligent than men" stereotype to correct shitty things that male characters did in canon because, if they were women, they'd be too smart and perceptive to do whatever stupid thing they did and everything would have happened differently. Nowadays, there's formal discussion about the lack of strong female characters in mainstream fiction, but in fandom, female writers just fixed the problem directly with genderswap so all the interesting, powerful people could be women and the guys could be useless arm candy for once. It was a way of reclaiming importance and power when canon media didn't give women much else to work with.

(I became aware while ago that Discourse is informing people that genderswap fics are hugely offensive to trans people. Now, I've described my crappy upbringing, but as a trans person, I don't understand this at all. I get that the "opposite gender" swap upholds the gender binary, but the issue is offense against trans people, not against genderqueer or nonbinary people. I seriously don't get why I should be offended? Is it because the genderswap doesn't include actual RL transgender experiences, as if the entire cast were realistically transitioning as a plot element? Genderswap is not acceptable unless it specifically includes things like "this is the story of how Cloud Strife got her testicles removed and enjoyed growing breast buds thanks to HRT"?? Maybe I'm an idiot, but those are two distinctly different story concepts and both have merit. o_o)

Later on, I became aware of people who were preoccupied with stories and fantasies of fantastical gender transformation, usually male to female. Some stereotypical male character would get injected with an alien serum or zapped by a fairy's wand or something and he would immediately metamorphose into a woman. There was often a disturbingly rapey element to these stories, like the boy wouldn't want to be transformed and was horrified while he was changing, but after he settled into the woman-shape or had sex as a woman after changing, he realized that he loved it and felt so much better that way. The stories were mostly just short repeats of this exact same situation, written by different authors with slightly different details, and this group never seemed to get tired of them.

Eventually, I learned that most of the people in the core of this group identified as trans women, but they lived in circumstances where they weren't permitted any female expression or had lost hope of ever transitioning. They fixated on transformation fic as a way to soothe the pain of living. Looking back, the noncon/dubcon themes that kept appearing in the fics made sense as a way of indirectly satisfying the powerful social forces that were demanding masculinity of them. The male characters were trying hard to stay male, fighting back against the transformation; they were clearly performing all the do not want signals expected of men threatened with feminization. They fought the good fight, but the enemy overpowered them! Womanhood was forced upon them! It was totally unexpected that they enjoyed being a girl after all, but because their maleness had been aggressively destroyed, they were free to stop performing resistance and love themselves.

But you can find fetish material like this in a lot of places, without any context as to the intent of the creator. (And I'd argue that it counts as a fetish if you crave it as necessary somehow, regardless of whether or not you're jacking/jilling to it.) Some people would write the same kind of stories for forced feminization as a type of humiliation. Among furries, transformation fetish material seems to add an extra angle of growing into new power and strength by a change into some larger, more magnificent creature in addition to changes involving sexual characteristics.

Further into the fantasy fetish scene is smut involving dickgirls/cuntboys. Those terms are inherently objectifying and fetishizing; the focus is entirely on the genitals and how a person has the "wrong" ones for their body. Understandably, this is where trans people get turned into dehumanized kink fuel, and real life "tranny chasers" exist who try to weasel into relationships with trans people just to have an embodiment of their fetish.

Artists seem to be slowly getting better with at least giving a nod to real trans people when tagging this sort of art, but (likely to get the most search hits) usually it's just "transwoman/man" alongside "dickgirl/cuntboy." And the art, at least, is clearly designed as fap fuel, so it's not like changing the label makes the content more respectful to the real humans it resembles.

Fetish art with that sort of name shouldn't be uplifting or encouraging because it makes trans people into objects, I know. But I enjoy it when I see it not because it gets me hot in itself, but because I feel heartened when I see sexy art of, essentially, trans people who have not had any genital surgery. I'm fortunate in that I don't have the worst soul-crushing dysphoria surrounding my (still XX factory standard) genitals, but I know a lot of trans people get seriously torn up about theirs and worry that they'll never be truly attractive to others because their genitals are "wrong." While it's possible to find humiliation art online of people with all kinds of body configurations, I tend not to (YMMV again) find much that seems to be specifically shaming or hating on characters who have trans genitals specifically because they are wrong/ugly/queer/etc. They're just participating in enthusiastic hot sex like all the other characters. Sometimes they're literally just standing around looking sexy, like any other badly-posed pinup. But when they're in the mix of whatever smut they're depicted in, they're objects of desire with their own sexual power, unashamed and equal to the others, and the other characters find them attractive and are clearly really excited to be doing whatever they're doing with that hot trans character.

And this response is very problematic, I know, because smut of trans characters that's designed to satisfy fetishes actually does lead to cis stalkers who want trans partners as living sex toys. And art of pre/non-op trans people being sexually liberated and desirable might end up being nearly indistinguishable from most of the fetish art I've seen, apart from lacking the objectifying dickgirl/cuntboy label. I hate seeing those terms in art tags, but the art itself makes me happy. Not even aroused, just happy to see characters who are essentially pre/non-op trans people being desired and enjoying themselves. When you've lived your life believing that you're ugly and unlovable, seeing people similar to yourself in those kinds of situations is a Band-Aid on an old, deep wound. I wish someone would look at me that way. I wish someone wanted to touch me that way. And even if you can't have that for yourself, you can at least look at art where similar people can, and even if those trans people are imaginary six-breasted purple foxtaurs, you can still feel like at least there are trans people somewhere in the galaxy who are free and happy and desirable. It's the same as those trans girls who spent years telling each other the same MTF transformation story over and over and over even though it was pure fantasy. They needed periodic inoculations of that fiction to keep themselves afloat when they believed that they could never have the reality.

That's why, to return to my earlier point and to the points that the people in that big thread probably said better than I have, I don't want bad media to go away. Even gross White Man Story For White Menfolk fiction can at least prompt discussion and response and might have little bits in it that made someone out there think of something in a way that they haven't before. Even depictions of minorities that are pretty clearly designed to be shallow fetish fuel might be a lifeline to some isolated person to whom that shitty depiction is the most positive representation of their identity that they've ever seen. You'd hope that they'd quickly be able to find better ones, but beggars can't be choosers, and if that shitty depiction hadn't existed then they might never have had the chance or the knowledge that different views were possible. You just can't know what people see and think when they consume a particular piece of media. They bring so much of their own context into the experience.

That's why I wish people would focus on action instead of on vague, catastrophizing speculations about intent or potential or who has a "right" to create or consume certain things. There are at least a couple of stories floating around about female fic writers who regularly wrote m/m smut, but who, IRL, opposed same-sex marriage and disowned their queer relatives. IMO, that's how you can tell who is making objectifying content - by whether they treat actual, living representations of minorities/fetishes like frivolous entertainment. I would bet that those IRL-anti-queer fic writers wrote things that were indistinguishable from the general mass of fanfic, which was why other fandom people were shocked to discover their IRL actions. People create things for all sorts of different reasons, not because ther creations are a clear window into their innermost motivations. You just can't know what's in a person's head, no matter what sort of things they create.

And I've literally spent hours writing this and sort of vaguely editing it paragraph by paragraph, so I'm going to post this now and release myself from childhood memory hell. Ultimately, that reblogged thread still said all of this better, but I just had a compulsion to LET ME SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE FOR TEN FUCKING PAGES. :P

And oh hey, I was so caught up in time-warping back to the 80's and early 90's that I forgot that Wikipedia existed, so here's their page on Piss Christ. Turns out the artist was male. Says it was only a photo?? Lies!! I distinctly remember seeing the goddamn gross jar of pee!! Because human memory is a reliable, unalterable record!! (Okay, I've clearly gone on too long here. I apologize to the whole internet in advance.)

[pacificbigbangblog]

Writer/Artist Pairings!

All right guys, the time has finally come to announce the writer/artist pairs for the Pacific Big Bang 2017! If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to email us at pacificbigbang@gmail.com or just shoot us an ask!

After each story summary we have included the tumblr url for that story’s writer and artist. (There is an artist who has bravely taken on two stories, due to a drop out. This is not a typo.) Please find your writer/artist and introduce yourself if you don’t already know each other! If you’d rather communicate with your author or artist via email, let us know and we’ll put you guys in touch that way. As the challenge continues, we hope that you’ll become a source of inspiration, motivation and support for one another.

One more thing! Now that claims are over, you can post as much about what you’re working on as you want! Writers, please feel free to post snippets from your stories as you write! Artists, give us glimpses of what you’re working on as your pieces take shape! We’re a small fandom, so the more excitement we can generate about this, the better!

Good luck to everyone, and thank you again for participating! We are really looking forward to sharing this experience with you all!

STORY 1

Writer:  @acesparson

Artist:  @irr-fullmetalheart 

Rating: Mature (some sports violence, possible off-screen death)

Warnings: No archive warnings anticipated to apply.

Main Pairings/Characters: Andrew ‘Ack-Ack’ Haldane/ Edward “Hillbilly’ Jones & Eugene Sledge/Merriell ‘Snafu’ Shelton

Side Pairings/Characters: There may be some other HBO War cameos, but The Pacific will be the main POV.  

Summary: Captain Haldane’s team clinching the 2018 Stanley Cup playoffs had almost been a given. Staying in the race was a whole 'nother matter .

Additional Details: Dealing with hyper-masculinity, ambitions & expectations, & queer themes within sports. It’ll be mainly realistic, but this is fictionalized NHL, and through the eyes of an experienced vet hockey player.

STORY 2

Writer:  @waterdeer

Artist:  @baksun-n

Rating: Mature

Warnings: No archive warnings anticipated to apply.

Main Pairings/Characters: Wilbur “Runner” Conley /Lew “Chuckler” Juergens

Side Pairings/Characters: Robert “Lucky” Leckie/Bill “Hoosier” Smith, Lew “Chuckler” Juergens, Sidney Phillips, Ronnie "Kid” Gibson

Summary: Runner is home for the summer after his junior year of college. He’s not excited to go back to his sleepy, tiny town. So far, in the first few weeks, his best friend has been ditching him for this new guy, his parents don’t care about him and haven’t spoken more than two words to him since he came home, and he feels like his life is a dead end. More alone than he’s ever been, he ends up meeting this weird guy from the woods.

Additional Details: Summer Vibes - it’s got the “home for the summer” feel, going out into the woods exploring, summer love kinda feel; Loneliness - Runner is a lonely guy and there’s areas of the story that are sad and down because the story focuses on him; Fantasy - Chuckler is not entirely human (still deciding on what mythical creature he is)

STORY 3

Writer:  @warriorgays

Artist:  @hoosiersblanket

Rating: General or Teen and Up

Warnings: No archive warnings anticipated to apply.

Main Pairings/Characters: Bob Leckie/Vera Keller, John Basilone/Lena Riggi, Ray Person/Brad Colbert, and Josh Lyman/Donna Moss

Side Pairings/Characters:

Summary: Robert Leckie is a reporter with the White House Press Pool. There’s no such thing as a normal day, but today is a particular challenge as Leckie bounces around in an attempt to get an inside scoop–to put a personal face on working in the White House. Will that personal face be his old friend and current Deputy Chief of Staff Josh Lyman, grumpy but coffee-addicted special assistant Hoosier Smith, rival pool reporter David Webster, pissed-off mad genius Deputy Communications Director Ray Person, energetic and impossible-to-locate Deputy Press Secretary Chuckler Juergens, the new IT guy known only as Lurch, or the Holy Grail of interviews, Secretary of Defense Lena Basilone and her husband, Head of Secret Service John Basilone? Who knows? In the end, it could be any one of them. Probably not Webster, though. [A crossover with The West Wing.]

Additional Details: Mood is realistic, quick-moving, and snarky, as close to the tone of The West Wing as I can get.

STORY 4

Writer:  @antiquecompass

Artist:  @charlesanthonybruno

Rating: Teen and Up

Warnings: No archive warnings anticipated to apply.

Main Pairings/Characters: Andrew 'Ack-Ack’ Haldane/ Edward “Hillbilly’ Jones

Side Pairings/Characters: Snafu Shelton, Burgie, and various other cameos

Summary: Andy Haldane leaves his home and job in Boston to help his Aunt Mae run her country store in a small town on the Pennsylvania/Maryland border. He loves his Aunt Mae, her store, and the town he used to spend all his summers in before school and work got in the way. Being back brings up all kinds of memories and sees Andy making quite a few reunions, especially with the Jones family, and particularly the eldest son, Eddie. They’re not kids anymore, but Andy already knows he could fall in love with Eddie Jones all over again.

Additional Details: Pretty much a romance novel, with hardly any angst. Lots of nostalgia as both Andy and Eddie reminiscence about their childhood summers together. Country music is definitely a favorite of the entire Jones family and features in the fic. Many scenes of family and friends bonding. Just a general happy, calm little fic.

STORY 5

Writer:  @bullrandleman

Artist:  @scramjets

Rating: At most, Mature

Warnings: Possibility of some violence. Horror.

Main Pairings/Characters: John Basilone, JP Morgan, Manny Rodriguez

Side Pairings/Characters: John/Lena Riggi, other characters by mention

Summary: The crew of the rebel fighter craftship take refuge on a Class I planet in an effort to escape the Dictatorship hunting party. They need to recoup and repair, patch up some injuries, and send word for help before they’re discovered. The Alliance depends on the plans they’ve stolen. But the planet is Class I for a reason. The ghosts that inhabit are ancient and angry, and the crew are faced with the decision of exposing themselves for help, or dying.

Additional Details: Very mild crossover with Changi, though it’s not necessary to have watched the series, and it’s not a huge aspect of the story. I’m happy to answer any questions regarding this aspect.

STORY 6

Writer:  @spoondragon

Artist:  @ramimalekeyes

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Prostitution/Sex work, Period-typical Language and Attitudes, Mention of Childhood Abuse (physical), Possible Mentions of Drug Use (OC’s), Off-Screen Death of OC

Main Pairings/Characters: Eugene Sledge/Merriell “Snafu” Shelton

Side Pairings/Characters: Sid Phillips, RV Burgin, Bill Leyden, Jay De L’Eau, Sledge family

Summary: After the war, Eugene gets dragged to a brothel during Sid’s raucous New Orleans bachelor party. While there, he runs into a familiar but wholly unexpected face.

Additional Details: Featuring prostitute!Snafu, jaded post-war!Eugene, misunderstandings, love letters, road trips, a wedding or two, family drama, learning to love yourself and learning to accept the one you love.

STORY 7

Writer:  @ramimalekeyes

Artist:  @generoes

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Violence, Emotional Manipulation, Issues of Consent, Implied/Referenced Prostitution, Homophobia, Religious Themes

Main Pairings/Characters: Merriell “Snafu” Shelton/Eugene Sledge

Side Pairings/Characters: Merriell “Snafu” Shelton/Orginial Male Characters

Summary: After the war, a dispirited Shelton returns to the life he left behind to find a man looking to take what Shelton owes him. In the chaos of trying to settle debts, Eugene shows up at his door to confront him about how they parted ways and comes face to face with the men threatening Shelton’s life. Through quick thinking, Eugene earns them some time to make an escape but also complicates everything further. On the run with Eugene, Shelton is forced to deal with his feelings for him while they both try to stay alive.

Additional Details: Dark tone and Ominous mood. Aesthetic? Southern Gothic meets Drive.

STORY 8

Writer: @bornearliernix

Artist:  @joeliebgottmyheart

Rating: Teen and Up

Warnings: Symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder, very vague mentions of sex

Main Pairings/Characters: Eugene Sledge/Merriell “Snafu” Shelton

Side Pairings/Characters: Sidney Phillips

Summary: Eugene Sledge and Merriell Shelton board a train, both headed to homes they haven’t seen in years. In a last effort to bring some familiarity with him, Eugene asks Merriell to come with him to Mobile- at least until he’s settled in. Despite his instincts telling him to leave every part of the war behind him, Merriell does.

Additional Details: This work would best be described as melancholy, reflective, and cautiously hopeful.

STORY 9

Writer:  @ackackh

Artist: @muminbarn

Rating: Mature (for language and non-explicit sexual content)

Warnings: No archive warnings anticipated to apply.

Main Pairings/Characters: Eugene Sledge/Merriell “Snafu” Shelton

Side Pairings/Characters: Andy Haldane/Eddie Jones, Robert Leckie/Hoosier Smith, Sidney Phillips, Bill Leyden, R.V. Burgin, Jay De L'eau, Chuckler Juergens, Runner Conley

Summary: When the Earth’s Sun began to die, most people decided to get the hell out of dodge. But others stayed, determined to stick with their only home until the very end. Thousands of years later, when the Sun had gone and taken most of Earth’s life with it, five men were sent on a mission to go back and study the home mankind left behind. But upon arrival, they were faced with the impossible: a boy in overalls.

Additional Details: Rural Science Fiction, Finding Beauty in Science, Some Rural Fantasy Elements, Space, Themes of Existentialism and Humanity, Soft and Colorful Characters/Settings

STORY 10

Writer:  @moontowers

Artist:  @red-hot-moon

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Period-Typical Attitudes, Canon-Typical Violence

Main Pairings/Characters: Merriell "Snafu” Shelton/Eugene Sledge

Side Pairings/Characters: Sidney Phillips, others probably

Summary: AU where Sledge and Snafu meet as teenagers in Alabama and grow closer in spite of themselves. War looms, but in the heat of summer 1941 it still feels as distant and inconsequential as thunderstorm, the kind that blows up in the afternoon and spins out by dinnertime. Eugene gets this feeling when he looks at Merriell and that…feels like a bigger fish to fry.

Additional Details: Magical Realism, Friends to Lovers, Pre-Canon

STORY 11

Writer:  @armypeaches

Artist:  @irr-fullmetalheart

Rating: Teen and Up (for language and canon-levels of violence)

Warnings: While there won’t be anything sexual in this story, I will warn that the actual werewolf biting is non-consensual (the other guys have zero knowledge or warning before the event, and the results of that drive some of the plot), just in case that turns anybody off.

Main Pairings/Characters: No pairings, but a lot of homosocial behavior.

Side Pairings/Characters: Leckie, Chuckler, Runner, and Sid

Summary: Hoosier has never had any interest in turning someone else into a werewolf. He has also never been in a war zone before. When faced with the option of giving his friends a better chance at survival, he barely thinks about it before taking action. He should have given it more thought though, because now they’re all tied to each other forever, through instincts and injury, war and separation, and whatever comes next. Together, they’re all going to learn what it means to be a pack – whether they like it or not.

Additional Details: Team Leckie canon-era werewolf AU. Story will closely follow the events of the miniseries through a werewolf lens. The narration will follow Hoosier (other pack members are Leckie, Chuckler, Runner, and Sid).

STORY 12

Writer: @wolfandwildling 

Artist:  @liebgotts

Rating: Teen and Up

Warnings: No archive warnings anticipated to apply.

Main Pairings/Characters: Edward “Hillbilly’ Jones/Andrew 'Ack-Ack’ Haldane

Side Pairings/Characters: Bob Leckie/ Bill “Hoosier” Smith (plus possibly references to extremely minor other pairings)

Summary: It’s Eddie’s last months of high school and all he wants is to have a good time with his friends on the soccer team and maybe win the trophy at the end of the season. However, changes in how players are grouped shake up the team as five new guys take the spots of old teammates. Instead of being a distraction from Eddie’s other major problem in life - does he tell Andy about his feelings or would that be a waste of time since they’ll be going to different colleges soon anyway and Eddie might 'get over it’ then? - it makes it even worse, because you can’t bond with your team without spending time with its captain, which means that if Eddie’s crush was bad before, it’s now beginning to reach epic proportions.

Additional Details:

STORY 13

Writer:  @snafu-is-dying-sledge

Artist:  @all-of-the-ships-are-sailing 

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: No archive warnings anticipated to apply.

Main Pairings/Characters: Eugene Sledge/Snafu Shelton

Side Pairings/Characters: OC’s for both Snafu and Sledge but they will be minor

Summary: After Snafu misses Burgie’s wedding, Sledge gets concerned. He visits New Orleans but he finds a very different Snafu. Distant and basically a wreck. Sledge will come to understand his feelings for Snafu as he tries to help him, even though Snafu really doesn’t want to accept any kind of help.

Additional Details:

STORY 14

Writer:  @gettingthatyellowjaundice

Artist:  @everbodyhateselliot

Rating: General

Warnings: No archive warnings anticipated to apply.

Main Pairings/Characters: Eugene Sledge/Merriell “Snafu” Shelton

Side Pairings/Characters: Dr Edward Sledge, Mrs Sledge, Edward Sledge, Jr, possibly Eugene Roe

Summary: There are approximately 144 miles between New Orleans and Mobile, and Merriell Shelton will drive every single goddamned one of them if he has to. There’s nothing left for him in Louisiana, no place for him at his mother’s dinner table, not after everything he’s seen, everything he’s done. And hell, so what if Eugene’s parents act as if he’s come down to Alabama to dirty their baby boy’s perfect little soul? So what if Eugene’s squeaky-clean, god fearing neighbors look at him like he’s trash? Well, according to Sledge, it means one helluva lot. So two weeks after Merriell shows up at Eugene Sledge’s door like the lost mutt he is, the two of them pack their bags and drive to California. No, they don’t know anybody in California. No, they haven’t got any jobs waiting for them in California. But Eugene says it’ll work out, and, well, Merriell has always been so ready to trust Eugene with everything he’s got.

Additional Details:

STORY 15

Writer:  @ailendolin

Artist:  @alexpenkala

Rating: Teen and Up

Warnings: Off-screen character death of OC’s

Main Pairings/Characters: Andrew 'Ack-Ack’ Haldane/Edward "Hillbilly’ Jones

Side Pairings/Characters: None

Summary: Andy/Eddie Modern AU. Andy is a first semester biology student with flatmates who like to party every night. Trying to find a quiet place to study Andy stumbles upon a diner around the corner where Eddie is working as a waiter. They become friends over the following weeks and when he realizes that Eddie’s life is more troubled than he lets on Andy makes it his mission to help him.

Additional Details: The story is pretty light and humorous mostly, but will deal with sad themes at times. It’s meant to be a hopeful story with the focus on helping someone in need, so it’s not going to be too dark.

[bellabooks]

3 Days in Queer Utopia: Thoughts on Clexacon

Las Vegas may be known as Sin City, but for a majority of the 2200 Clexacon goers, Las Vegas was more like an oasis in the desert. What was originally conceived as a small but clear response to the Bury Your Gays trope and the death of Lexa on The 100, evolved over the course of a year into a massive celebration of all things queer and female focused in entertainment. The fun started even before the con kicked off, with a party the night before at one of Vegas’ LGBTQ bars, the Phoenix. Queer, trans, non-binary folks and allies alike crammed into the space to drink, dance and meet longtime social media friends in the flesh. The band Betty even took the stage to belt out a tune. Alas, it was not the L Word theme song! The excitement was palpable on Day One of the con and continued throughout the three days, even as peoples’ bodies were weary from late nights and long days. God bless the Clexacon staff and volunteers who walked their feet to the bones and were always available for questions and assistance. Here’s a peek at Day One put together by Clexacon.   I was lucky enough to moderate one of the first panels of the con, Creating a Web Series, with panelists Christin Baker from Tello Films, Nancylee Myatt (South of Nowhere, Nikki and Nora), Paige Bernhart (Nikki and Nora, NCIS Nola) and Aasha Davis (South of Nowhere, Drunk History, The Unwritten Rules). Paige and Nancylee brought a little bit of Mardi Gras to Vegas with them, tossing beads and swag into the audience, and right off the bat you knew it was going to be a great panel. What an honor to speak with such an experienced and talented group of women. In fact, every panel I attended was absolutely killer. Big conversations were started, exciting ideas were generated, bonds were formed, and you couldn’t help but feel that if you could harness the heart of this event, it would have the power to really change the world. I walked away with so much more than I came with, and I am so grateful to all who shared their experiences and knowledge. I only wish I could have attended more smaller panels. Of course, one of the major draws of Clexacon were the big room panels. Panels with big names like the Spashley reunion of Gabrielle Christian and Mandy Musgrave, Wayhaught (with an adorably awestruck Kat Barrell, Dominique Provost-Chalkey and Emily Andras), Shoot (Sarah Shahi and Amy Acker who were incredible sports), Lost Girl, Saving Face, BAM from All My Children, and of course, Carmilla’s Elise Bauman and Natasha Negovanlis, otherwise known as Hollstein. Here’s vid from that panel, where I asked Elise and Natasha to reenact famous scenes between queer tv and movie couples. Let’s just say, they crushed it. It starts at the 20:49 mark.   Other big room panels like Lexa’s Legacy, Year in Review, Power of Queer Social Media, and LGBTQ Actresses  drew big crowds, and had some pretty amazing moments. Another big event was Emily Andras’ writing workshop, which I was lucky enough to attend along with a packed house. Andras has a wonderfully funny but no nonsense approach to writing and is an excellent teacher. The artists alley was full of talented folks selling their wares, as well as organizations spreading the word. My suitcase was no joke, 10 lbs heavier when I left, thanks to all the great merch and Tim Tams straight from Australia. (Thanks Amber!) For a first time con, Clexacon went quite smoothly. Sure there were a few hiccups, but there was so much joy in the air, everyone just rolled with it. I met attendees as young as 8 years old and those in their 70s.  People from across town and across the world.  I can tell you this: I will be back next year. For me personally, from the moment I stepped through the con doors, to the moment I said goodbye to Las Vegas, Clexacon was one of the greatest experiences of my personal and professional life. I learned so much from all of you, and I am grateful, honored and humbled to have met so many lovely people and moderated some incredible panels. I hope you liked all the Bella swag! I know my experience differs from others simply based on the fact that I was there as a moderator and not as a guest, so I have asked Bella readers and Clexacon attendees to share their experiences with us. I’d also invite you to share with us in the comments! “Clexacon was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. I came because the content was something I was really interested in, and because I wanted to meet the friends that I’ve made on twitter. Also Amy Acker. It was a warm, comfortable environment where everyone belonged and accepted each other. It was so easy to make new friends because of this, and because of the commonality we all shared. It was also really powerful to see so many people, and to hear that when we come together, we have a loud voice that has been and will be heard.” – @hmgflyer “I felt as if I was in such a safe space in such a long time! In my city nearly all the queer women’s spaces have ceased operation. Knowing that all these women are into the same stuff I’m into made it even better!” – @CroEna9 “My ClexaCon experience was absolutely amazing! Being the first convention I have ever attended, I don’t think anything could ever compare to the positive, supportive, and just all around amazing energy and vibes that surrounded ClexaCon, all the attendees and amazing line up of guests, was just so heart warming and amzing. The friendships, connections, and the honour of attendance at ClexaCon will forever live on in my heart.” – @LezbrosNFrnz “ClexaCon not only allowed me to connect with one of my passions, television, but also provided me the opportunity to discuss that passion in a space that made me feel safe and validated. For once I wasn’t that weird nerd girl who wanted to discuss representation on television, but part of a community that cares deeply about each other and seeing themselves on tv.” – Morgan Clapp “I hadn’t traveled since I’d been disabled (almost 10 years), but I had to get to ClexaCon! The Staff, including the Volunteers, took such great care of me. I never had to worry about getting into a panel or a photo op. Other Cons could learn from ClexaCon.” – Barbara Wolfe “As a girl that grew up on a tiny island in the Bahamas, face buried in a book or eyes glued to a tv screen for some form of escape from a world I never really felt I belonged to, ClexaCon weekend in Vegas meant more to me than I can ever express. Growing up surrounded by people I didn’t have much in common with was incredibly lonely. I had never realized just how isolated I felt until I was immersed in the world of ClexaCon with people who share my thoughts and feelings and interests. It felt like I was finally home.” – @ShanLaShawn “ClexaCon was, in a nutshell, like a really large family reunion, it was like coming home. Every second spent at the convention space was like being wrapped in this huge, lesbian filled bubble of positive, warm, passionate, energy, just this overwhelming, indescribable feeling of BELONGING somewhere. It didn’t matter how old you were, where you came from, or what you looked like, you were Kru! And that’s a feeling I will always carry with me. ClexaCon and the people I met while there irrevocably changed not only my life, but me as a person!”   -Meagan Baxter “I think that ClexaCon might be my favorite experience of my entire life so far. Not because of the media guests who were there (although Betty McRae meant/means a lot to me and meeting Ali Liebert was amazing), but because of the time I got to spend with fellow LGBTQ women in and out of the Con itself. I don’t know any queer women where I live, so my connection to the community is usually just online. This weekend at ClexaCon I was able to spend time with amazing women (some who I knew online, some who I didn’t) who I share so much in common with as both queer women and fans that I felt freer to laugh, cry, fangirl, and just be myself more than I think I ever have before. It was an amazing experience and I cannot wait to go again next year.” – @buknerd “The panels with content creators and actors were phenomenal. I don’t know how the organizers pulled in the guests that they did, but I was grateful for everyone’s professionalism, knowledge, and ability to keep the audience engaged. I learned from the “Bisexual Representation in the Media” panel. I enjoyed laughing in the reunion panels. I was grateful for the many intelligent audience questions. When I attended the Saving Face Reunion, I was pleasantly surprised to hear that Alice Wu’s educational background is similar to mine. Being a Chinese-American, I was also glad to see Alice Wu, Lynn Chen, and Michelle Krusiec on the stage because I realized that it was the first time I had seen people who, for back of better words, look like me and discuss a movie they made.” – Heather Lo “I’m 23 years old and do not have any LGBTQ female friends, they’re all straight. Spending three full days with hundreds of LGBTQ women was the most comfortable environment I have ever been in in my whole life. I never felt out of place, just completely content in my own skin. Stepping over the threshold from Bally’s casino area into the convention each day was like flipping the world upside down and experiencing it the way that it should be: loving, accepting, welcoming, respectful and empowering. I attended the con alone and despite being more of an introvert, I spent every day talking to people I had never met before who came from all around the world for one specific reason. To demand the representation we deserve (and to of course grieve Lexa). This was by far the most necessary and imperative moment for queer women, I learned so much at each and every panel I went to. Calling ClexaCon special is an extreme understatement, but I’m not quite sure there is a more fitting word.” – Susan LeGrice http://dlvr.it/NbNgYB

[baegin-ace-blog]

If Vampires Can’t See Themselves in Mirrors, How do They Know What They Look Like?: Representation

I cry a lot.  No seriously, I have a tendency to cry when I’m sad, when I’m angry, when I’m anxious, when I’m happy, when I’m excited, when I’m overwhelmed (either with good or bad), you get the picture. Another thing that always makes me cry? Seeing asexuals represented in media.  

I first experienced this through fanfiction; I found a fic where a character felt doubt about being in a relationship because they were asexual. It had a very happy ending where the couple got together and the waterworks flowed for me.  I have since found numerous stories with asexual, aromantic, and aro/ace characters, and when they are done well, I cry every time. And what emotion is prompting this crying? Overwhelming joy.

There are plenty of anecdotes out there about this sort of thing; a person from a marginalized group sees a piece of media that has characters like them and is overcome with emotion. It’s a very powerful thing for people who aren’t represented well in our fiction. That’s why you’ll hear people say that Representation Matters. Because it really really does! Part of how we learn about the world and groom our behaviors is through media. The things that are constantly seen on tv and in movies become “the norm.” People in marginalized groups are very underrepresented in media, and when we are, our characters are cliches or stereotypes. Things have gotten a smidge better, but in most cases we’ve got a long way to go. For example, ever heard the phrase kill your gays? Back in the day, the only way for creators to get gays or other queer identities into their media was to punish them within the narrative. This way they could claim that they weren’t promoting the “lifestyle,” while still at least having some sort of representation. That’s why you have all those pulp novels about things like insidious lesbians seducing girls and then going out in a blaze of glory. It was the only way for us to talk about our community at the time. And while we’ve made great strides in representation of the lbgt community, when a lone gay character dies while all the straight characters survive, we’re still feeling the backlash of this problem in representation.

While other marginalized groups have more negative consequences to poor representation including active discrimination and violence, the aro/ace community has an especially difficult time with being represented at all. A lot has been talked about to try and curb racial, sexist, and homophobic representation problems, and I’m not saying that we don’t still have a lot of problems on these fronts (spoiler alert: we do!). I’m only pointing out that our community hasn’t even really been a thing until much more recently and isn’t usually recognized as something that needs representation at all. So many people haven’t even heard of aseuxality, so why would they want to try and include us in their media? But thankfully, we’re a small, but vocal group. While we’re still woefully underrepresented in television or film, there are more books being written with asexual protagonists or characters. This tumblr gathers titles that we can read to see ourselves portrayed in media.

You may ask, why is it so important anyway? What are we gaining from being represented in fiction? Well for one thing, we’re gaining more acceptance. The more positive representations allosexuals see in media, the more likely they will be to sympathize with us and understand us. For another, we’re being normalized. If we’re not portrayed in media, people think we’re flukes. If we are portrayed as something normal, there’s a better chance that people will think we’re normal in real life too. And perhaps more importantly, we’re gaining confidence. I’ve talked so much about how I struggled with my orientation growing up, and a large part of why is that I had no frame of reference for how I was feeling. There was nothing out there telling me that I wasn’t alone in the way I felt. If I had had asexual characters in my media to observe, I would have felt better about myself, realized earlier what was going on, and had an example to use when talking to other people about myself. If aseuxals were represented in my media when I was a kid, I would not have questioned myself as much. I would have been able to look at that character and say, they are just like me. Representation matters.

Sometimes it may seem like I’m a very cynical anti-sex/romance person if you watch shows/movies with me. I tend to roll my eyes or complain when characters get together on screen.  And it’s not that I hate romance (a topic I will get into at a further date). It’s that I’m sick and tired of all my media being the same. We’ve had decades and decades of the allosexual story. It’s high time for some aro/ace stories! Long live on-screen friendships between men and women that don’t end in romance! Long live storylines where the romance isn’t tacked in like a reward at the end for no other reason than we ship it! Long live romances where sex never happens because it’s not important to the story the characters are going through! And most especially, long live characters who are explicitly aro/ace! Instead of characters who are ambiguous, give us ones who are out and proud! Give us ones whose whole storyline does not revolve around their sexuality. Give us multifaceted characters who happen to be ace. Give us representation!  

I both highly look forward to and feel slightly sad for the day where a well-written ace story doesn’t make me cry. Sad, because I’ll miss that feeling of how special it is when I come across someone like me. But love, because that will mean that finally there are enough representations of us out there, that I won’t have to hoard them each time they get it right. More diversity in our characters is more diversity in our storytelling is more diversity in the types of stories we are told. And who doesn’t want more stories?