#being with them gives me respite recovery rest from being around other people

[notjanine]

haven’t really been on this app/hellsite this week bc i started a new internship rotation that’s exciting and Important, and also i’ve been staying with Books bc the commute from their place is an hour shorter than from mine. and it’s uh. going well

[physicalturian]

[G] Gentle summer - Rengoku Kyojuro x GN!Reader - Part 1

[Contains spoilers from the movie, and the manga] [No pronouns used for the reader, no physical description; Everyone +18] Words : 8533 Archive of our own

Warnings : Blood / Injuries / PTSD

Summary : After the event of the Infinity Train, the Fire Pillar is staying at the Butterfly Mansion where you take care of him. The path to recovery is long, which leaves time for some feelings to develop between you and Rengoku. Proper courtship is what the swordsman has in mind once he set it on you.

A slow burn of two people letting time do its work the more they spend it together.

If you feel like I should add more warnings, send me a dm or and ask

--

It was one of those rare quiet nights at the mansion. Crickets in the summer night could be heard in the well-tended gardens along the sound of the water in the ponds. The cool air the late night provided felt refreshing, it gave some respite before the summer heat returned in the early morning, but it was appreciated, nonetheless. It was relaxing, so relaxing it could almost make one forget of the danger looming over them. Big plans were being made, new recruits were being trained and the ones used to it all… well, they were resting the best they could before the big fight.

Among those resting were a few Pillars, those who weren’t at the mansion were doing their best to get out of their head by doing some missions. Giyuu was one of the few who stayed, he wasn’t so lucky as to be alone in his room; The new recruits, who counted among their ranks a demon girl, were sleeping by his side, snoring and taking too much space on the futons spread on the tatami mat. As I stood by the door, I noticed the light was still on and tip-toed inside the room to turn it off, avoiding luring the mosquitoes in.

I stopped dead in my tracks when the floor creaked, I waited a moment before going back to the door, hoping I hadn’t woken anyone up. Once out, I slid it closed gently and padded away to my room, knowing full well I wasn’t going to be able to sleep with all the stress I was feeling. On my way there, I noticed the flickering light coming from the Fire Pillar’s room. The shadow of the lantern was projected on the shoji doors, I waited a moment to see if there was any movement but when I didn’t see anything, I opened the door. Not wanting for him to wake up during the night to turn it off, I stepped inside carefully but stopped when I couldn’t see him around.

For a moment, my heart jumped out of my chest as I considered the possibility of him having been kidnapped by the demon who wasn’t able to finish him. Maybe he even left to the forest to fight with him, he would do that to avoid getting us in danger. No, no… No demon ever found the mansion, I don’t see why they would find it now.

Blowing the light out, I found that the moon’s glow was enough to brighten the room with a fair white color all over the room. As I stepped towards the door that led to some green patches outside, I paused when I noticed a form leaning on one of the wooden posts outside. Approaching soundlessly, I quickly recognized Rengoku’s haori on the ground. The man was sitting on the wooden veranda outside, his head was leaning on the post, his arms crossed over his chest. He wasn’t wearing his Pillar outfit but instead wore a lighter traditional kimono, that suited him perfectly.

“Rengoku?” I called his name softly, hoping to get his attention without surprising him too much. Perhaps it was too tender as the man did not respond. With just as much care, I stepped closer and saw his relaxed face, deep in slumber, the usual determined frown on his face gone from how peaceful he was right now. Still, it mustn’t be comfortable to be sleeping here, I thought as I stepped in front of the man and considered my choices.

Mirroring him some way, I crossed my arms over my chest and took a good look at him as I considered what to do. While doing so, I also enjoyed his features. The fresh scar on his forehead was never hidden by his hair, seeing as he styled it in a mane-like fashion. I’d still feel a pinch in my heart when I’d see it, remembering how the three young recruits sent their crow to get the medical people on the field.

Both of them were crying, thinking the man was gone, I had to keep my composure as I checked his pulse, desperately wishing he was still alive.

I held my breath, then felt the slight pulse. The man was a strong-willed fighter, but as I took care of his wounds the best I could, I started to believe strong-will was not going to get him through it. When my crew and I gave him the first care treatment, we brought him back to the mansion where he was passed out for a few days. When he finally woke up, I was changing the flowers on his bedside. As I pulled them out of the vase, a strong hand gripped my wrist. I gasped loudly at the touch, then at the realization he had woken up.

“Rengoku, you’ve awakened. I’ll bring you-“ “You’re the one, right?” He uttered, his mouth still not used to speaking just yet. Giving him a confused expression, he chuckled lightly, then painfully before getting his composure back. “The one who’s been singing to me, so many times-“ “I do apologize, I was not aware you could hear me. I hope I haven’t troubled your sleep much, and that you are rested,” I bowed, feeling my cheeks burn from embarrassment. Yet, I had to keep some professionalism with the Pillar in front of me, for his rank was higher than mine.

“Your voice, it’s soothing, can you keep doing it? Singing, I mean! I’m awake now, but I really enjoyed hearing you,”

Chuckling nervously, I placed the fresh flowers in the vase once the man had let go of my hand and threw the dried ones in the bin. “I don’t think so, it’s not professional, disturbing you wouldn’t-“ “It helped me, I found myself sleeping more peacefully upon hearing you delicate singing. Without it, I wouldn’t be as well-rested,” His voice was a lot louder now. He must have strained himself with the energy he put in his whole attitude since he leaned forward a bit, a hand on his stomach.

“Alright, I’ll keep singing, only if you stop moving. You haven’t healed fully yet Rengoku. You should rest some more,” I told him softly. I pried his hand away from his stomach and asked if I could check, he allowed me. “Maybe quiet down, even for a moment, you’ve only been asleep for a few days, your wounds haven’t healed enough for you to move that much,” When he didn’t say anything, I looked up at his face and saw him with his eyes closed and mouth slightly open. He was focusing his breath on the healing, which I would not allow.

Calling his name, I tried to get his attention, but he ignored me. Now, I might be a healer, but I knew how to deal damage and how to deal with strong people. With a hand on his stomach and the other on his shoulder, I put some pressure on the latter to make him lean back. His eyes opened wide as a breathless gasp left his mouth in surprise. “Don’t start this. I am asking you to simply, stay in bed and do nothing, is that too much to ask?” I asked him as I let go of his form.

His beautiful wide eyes stared right at mine, unrelenting, with an expression I couldn’t decipher. As uneasy as it made me feel, I matched his stare and did not move. That is until he smiled, “Only if I am allowed to have some food, I am starving! Food would help with my healing, right?” He added my name at the end of his question, surprising me. The amount of time I interacted with the Pillars could not be counted on two hands, I remembered them, their wounds, their fragile state when in their weakest state. I saw them train, I myself was trained by one of them. And yet, I was surprised when the Fire Pillar remembered my name.

I didn’t let it slip, that I liked it, that it caught me off guard, nor that he had the gentlest tone when saying my name, a tone that made my heart skip even for just a second. “I will bring you food. I’m only asking of you to stay put, can you do that?” Nodding, he put his hands a bit higher from his stomach and stood still, his eyes looking at the ceiling. “For you, I will, I won’t move an inch-“ “Not for me, for you. For your health, Rengoku.” I huffed while standing up, a hand on the mattress. As I turned around, a hand quickly grabbed mine, just like before. I didn’t pull back, fearing the man would lean in with.

Turning to face him, I quirked a brow and asked if he needed anything else, “Kyojuro, call me Kyojuro, you have taken care of me enough time to be familiar with me. I owe you my life,” Chuckling lightly, I unhooked his hand from my wrist and smiled, “It’s my job, I will try my best to call you by your name then, Kyojuro.” With a nod, I left the room to get his meal that the younger recruits were probably already making. They would always sit by the door of the wounded, waiting for anything to happen, their ears ready for any sudden sound.

My suspicions were correct when I found the tray right in front of the door, they must have left the moment they realized he had awakened. Smiling to myself, I grabbed the tray and entered Kyojuro’s room once more. “It seems we-“ I hurriedly put the tray on the bed next to Kyojuro’s when I saw he wasn’t in his bed. “Rengoku! Where did you go,” I mumbled the last part as I slipped on my geta and trotted to the veranda. I was quick to let a sigh of relief when I saw the man in question, practicing with his sword, the sun illuminating his gorgeous mane.

As beautiful as he may be under the sun, the jinbei he was wearing to sleep had a growing red stain on his stomach. His wound had reopened, and he did not seem to mind one bit. I did. “Rengoku, would you please come back to bed?” I asked with some softness. When he did not hear me, or ignored me, whichever it was I did not care, I called his name more sternly. His stances and actions got a bit more intense in his practice.

Taking a deep breath, I calmed my breathing and sped to his side, hearing his surprise. Not wasting time, I hit one of the spots on his hand to make it go numb as he dropped his sword. I took it in my hand, stepping away from him quickly to avoid him taking it back. He looked at me in defeat, as defeated as a man like him could look like. The Fire Pillar looked at me in awe, then smiled. “Well done! A good practice, perhaps we could train more together-“ Putting the sword delicately on the ground, I approached him and pressed on his stomach wound, making him groan in pain as he bent forward, pushing my hand away.

“You are in no condition to fight, train or move. Go back to bed, or I will have to use force to get you there myself,” The look he gave me broke my heart, that was defeat. That was a man so out of his comfort zone, he did not know how to cope. Known for always standing, always be the last one with will, ready to fight and to get everyone’s hopes up. He closed his eyes a moment, then gave me a stern nod. “Very well,”

It needed convincing to let me help him to the bed, where I had to change his clothes and bandages, but he let me. Perhaps I had gotten to him, perhaps he was now fully aware of how dire his situation was. “If you stay put, you’ll be back on your feet in no time,” I told him while finishing wrapping the bandages around his stomach. I hummed to myself, trying to convince myself too. I had no idea how long it would take, because I knew he would not listen. Yet, I hoped it was enough to get him back to his hype.

“Will you sing for me?” The ginger asked once I handed him a fresh attire on my way to get the tray from the other bed. Stopping in my tracks, I returned slowly to his bedside. “You should eat first, slowly, please,” I told him with a short smile. Once he had dressed up, albeit groaning upon moving to slide his arms inside the sleeves, I put the tray on his lap and gestured for him to go on.

The peace of the moment did not last when he started eating like he hadn’t seen a meal in years, portions after portions, too big to fit his mouth, I had to stop him and take the chopsticks from his hand. “Are you purposedly doing the opposite of what I tell you, Kyojuro?” I asked, slightly annoyed.

“Those are small! I am hungry, can I have my chopsticks back, songbird?” He asked, his hand extended. I had to hold back from choking when I heard the nickname he had given me but decided against saying anything. It had some charm, and if I said anything he might stop, I liked it for now…

Instead, I sighed. “This,” I scooped some food with the chopsticks and showed him, “Is an adequate portion, you have to be careful-“ I stared at him in awe when he leaned in and ate the rice from the chopsticks I was holding. Once he was done, he looked back at me with smile, “More,” was all he said.

I blinked a few times, considering telling him off but I felt like he would still gobble down the whole meal if I didn’t do it myself. With a roll of my eyes, I took more rice and placed my hand under it as I brought it to his mouth, “You are a chaotic man,” there was a huge grin on his lips as he ate, speaking before he even finished, “Delicious! More!”

There was no helping the smile that drew itself on my face, “I’ll tell them you enjoyed it,” I huffed, feeding him some more. Every bite he would tell me to give him more, as annoying as it was, it was also growing on me in an endearing way. He did ask for another portion, which surprised me considering how much he ate but I complied. Once we were done, he seemed to be a lot calmer than he had been since he had woken up. His mind was somewhere else as he stared at his battered hands, there were a few cuts on it from his fight and I was afraid he was thinking about it too much.

“Now that your stomach is full, perhaps you should rest, Kyojuro,” Fluffing his pillow, I asked him to lay down, but he wasn’t in the mood for that. No, he was still staring at his hands, lost in thoughts. I put the tray outside and came back, placing my hands delicately on his. It seemed efficient enough since he looked up with wide eyes, a look that pierced a soul for simply coming from him. “I still have a lot of energy, would you mind staying?” He asked, his tone loud, his hands gripping mine. I hid the surprise of his actions and laughed lightly.

“I have things to do, it is still the morning, I will come back by noon-“ “What do you have to do? Can you do it here?” He apologized just as fast as he interrupted me, then he laid down with a groan. “I should rest, please wake me up when you come back,”

Finding his attitude odd, I stayed between the bed and door, half-way to each. Could he be sleeping badly? Could he be in the need of company? I looked around and pondered a moment. All I had to do was train and take a look at everyone in the mansion. The latter having been done for the morning, I only had one thing to do for now. So, I went back to the ginger. “I have to train, while you are not fit to do so yourself, perhaps would you like to help me out? Give some pointers of things I could improve? Would that suit you?”

The speed at which he sat up mad me rush to his side as I held onto his shoulders and told him to calm his enthusiasm. He only smiled in return, telling me he could not contain the joy it brought him to leave the bed. “You have only been awake for so little time, you are quite easily bored,” I stated as I told him to wrap an arm around my shoulders so that I could help him move to the veranda, making sure he took a pillow with him. “I’ll let you sit outside, but you don’t move from there, understood?” He nodded firmly in response as he dropped the pillow on the ground. I helped him sit down with care, then, albeit hesitantly, brought him his sword from the ground and set it beside him.

“Don’t move,” I extended my hand as a gesture to keep him on the spot, “You stay put, and you don’t practice, you stay right- there,” I continued while stepping back. When he laughed oh so charmingly, I almost tripped on the tatami. “I’m not moving!” It’s not without a side-glance that I left the room, only to come back just as fast, changing from a heavy kimono to a lighter jinbei. It wasn’t light-colored like the one we let the wounded wear, it was dark blue and nice to wear.

As I positioned in front of the veranda, in the grass, I couldn’t help but glance at the pair of eyes watching me. “I don’t usually train in front of others, it’s strange,” I chuckled, maybe more self-conscious than I thought I’d be. This was not the time to feel as such, so I reprimanded myself internally and got myself together.

“Don’t mind me! I love sword training; I won’t bother you!” He said loud enough for me to hear, perhaps even to become deaf if I was close enough. Nodding, I started my usual training, feeling very aware of the intense stare of the man. He wasn’t looking as carefree as before, he was observing, gauging all my movements, the way I held my sword, the way I positioned my feet, each of my slashes. A knot formed in my throat, a need to prove myself arose. This was a Pillar, after all.

Just as he said, I ignored his presence the best I could. It was hard to not glance at him every time I felt like I messed up, when I would peek, he would be looking at me intently. His gaze would stay on my mind as I focused back on my training, I was taking a liking to it. As much as it pressured me some way, unvoluntary to him, I found his face too beautiful to feel fear from the intensity of his look.

While thinking of him, and my movements, I trained until noon. Not a word was being exchanged between us, but I was glad it kept him from moving. I could have gone on and on once I was in the proper headspace and I was able to tune out the Fire Pillar’s strong presence, that was until Naho came in and tugged my sleeve, asking me to lean in. Crouching to her height, I listened carefully then let her go.

“I have tasks that need my attention, I will have to leave you-“ I stammered at the end when I saw the look of awe in Rengoku’s eyes, it elated a nervous laugh from my part as I leaned in to help his arm around my shoulders. Once he was stable, he looked at me with a big smile, “I’ve never seen such sword style, it’s so beautiful! I can see the way your heart is set ablaze once you are focused properly, you enjoy fighting and it shows,” He said it with such astonishment and appreciation that it made heat rush to my face, I only mumbled a thank you in response.

“Would you mind bringing me to my room? Sickbay is uneventful, if I get to my room perhaps one of the recruits will come barging in and bring entertainment with them!” Staying in the infirmary would be better for him, but I knew that every passing second he was focused on his breathing to make the healing process faster, tiring himself on the way. Giving him a curt nod, I said, “Very well, this means I’ll have to come visit you more. The three girls are afraid to go in the Pillars’ wing and won’t be able to watch over you, make it easier for both of us and be good, Kyojuro.” I paused before saying his name, not yet used to it.

He laughed loudly in response, only to grunt in pain quickly after, “That hurt- you made me laugh too hard,” The man seemed out of breath, which wasn’t reassuring for the little he had moved but we were closing in on his room. It wasn’t too far from the infirmary and also had a view on the garden that surrounded the mansion. “It was not in my plan to make you laugh; may I ask what brought that fit of laughter?” I was curious, I’ll admit.

“You said it as if it was a pain to have you visit more often, but I find your company relaxing. I will gladly appreciate each second of your presence by my side,” Upon hearing his words, I choked on my saliva but hid it behind a clearing of my throat as I looked to the side, a neutral expression on my face. “Sleep and you’ll find me by your side a lot sooner than expected, does it sound fair to you?” I asked as I slid the door open and helped him inside, asking him to stand still, wordlessly. “The excitement of seeing you again will keep me restless!” He said while I laid his futon on the ground.

“You have two choices then, you sleep on your own accord or I find that one spot in your neck to make you pass out. Which would it be?” He blinked in response, laughing breathlessly as he ushered to the futon, leaning on me as I set him down. “I will try to sleep, if you promise to sing for me when you come back,”

Rolling my eyes in response, I agreed. “I will see you in a few hours, rest well. And stop the focused breathing, you’ll only get tired more,” Rengoku’s eyes widened, as if surprised by my guess. The man thought himself slick enough to not get caught being sneaky, if sneaky was the adequate word. He was putting a lot of effort in his healing, but also slowing it down since his body was too tired, which rendered it all in vain. He nodded, a serene expression on his face while a small smile displayed on his lips. “Sleep it is, wake me up once you are back,” Another curt nod was what I gave him before departing.

For some reason, as I checked up on the patients in the medical wing, my mind kept wandering off. There was this feeling inside my chest that I could only describe as excitement at the thought of seeing the Fire Pillar again. His aura was so welcoming and warm, one could only feel drawn to it, to him, to his strong-willed attitude, his delightful albeit loud laugh and his oh so bright smile. As I was finishing up my tour, I had time to dwell in my thoughts no more when the young recruit in front of me tried to get out of bed.

“Tanjirou, you are to stay in bed until tomorrow. Should I call Aoi so that she keeps you bound to bed?” I knew the younger healer had some affection to spare for the newest slayer, I was not yet sure if he felt the same way, but he was well-enough aware that she was strong enough to keep him unmoving until the proper time. Her goal was to see all the injured slayers back on their feet, and while she wouldn’t admit it, she made it her top priority when Tanjirou was part of those injured people. “I’m fine! Look, I can move, I have to train! Being bed ridden is not enough of an impairment that it’d stop me from getting better, I have to-“ “If you leave this bed I won’t tell you what I know about a certain Pillar,” I trailed off, holding back the mischievous smile from my lips.

The brunette stopped everything and looked at me with wide-eyes, his scarred hands gripping mine, “Where is Rengoku! How- can I see him? His wounds, are they-“ “Let’s take a breath first, hm? He is awake-“

“I have to see him! I need to see him, please bring me to his room nurse-“ I made an exhausted face, “I’m not a nurse. The closest you’ll get to nurses would be Naho, Kiyu and Sumi, also Aoi but she is a strong fighter. I am here to treat your wounds, that is it.” He quickly apologized then fell silent. His state was not as bad as Rengoku’s, physically, but seeing the Pillar almost die in front of his eyes had an effect on the young man that was clearly visible if you paid enough attention. “He is bored and bed-ridden, but…” A glint of hope lit up in the young slayer’s eyes. “He wishes some company, if you promise to let me help you to his room, and to stay put once there, I am willing to bring you there. Only if you promise those things, is that clear?”

Nodding vigorously, he threw his legs to the side of the bed and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I quickly realized he was in a better shape that I thought, for he did not need to lean on me much. On our way out I grabbed the crutches one of the girls had left and made our way to Kyojuro’s room. “Kyojuro, can I come in?” I called out once we arrived at his door.

“Yes you may!” So he is awake… does fatigue mean nothing to him? “I’ve been thinking, perhaps we could-“ He stopped mid-sentence when he saw Tanjirou by my side. I was also caught off guard when I saw the ginger kneeling on his heels, waiting expectantly while facing the door in which I stepped in. “Young Tanjirou! A pleasant surprise indeed, it is great to see that you are well-“ once more he could not finish his sentence as the brunette threw himself at him and hugged him tight. A loud huff escaped the ginger’s lips, but he hugged back, for a second I wondered how it’d feel to be wrapped around his inviting arms, but it was only a mere moment before I rushed to their collapsed form on the tatami.

“Tanjirou, Kyojuro is in no shape to get tackled yet. Would you mind getting off of him?” I tried to pry him away from the Pillar, but he was holding tight.

“It’s alright! It is a very welcomed hug! Would you like to join in, songbird?” My heart skipped a beat once again when the nickname rolled of his tongue after his invitation. It brought a smile to my face, but I only shook my head in response, “You are both too brute, I’ll wait until you’re done worsening your state, then I’ll step in,” I joked, making the Pillar laugh loudly. For some reason, it brought great pride in my heart to have made him laugh as such.

After a few minutes, Tanjirou moved away from the Fire Pillar, his eyes red and his cheeks stained with tears. Rengoku was in a better state, but if you paid closer attention, his eyes were watery from tears threatening to fall. I let them talk a while, when a few hours passed and Tanjirou’s eyelids were drooping, I interrupted them, “I believe it is enough for today, wouldn’t you agree?” I asked both men, but only one answered, the other one was kneeling next to him, sniffling. “The young man needs some rest; It was quite the adventure to see me it seems!” “I’ll bring him back to his room-“

“I’ll do it!” Aoi suddenly entered the room, a frown on her face. “He shouldn’t have left the bed in the first place, but you seem to be bending the rules a lot today,” She threw me a glare that quickly softened when she looked at Kyojuro then at me. A smug smile followed, “The things we do for lo-“ “And now you leave, I’ll see you at dinner. Refrain from bothering me any more than necessary, understood?”

With the same smile, she gave me a thumbs up, “Oh I understood very clearly, very very clearly. No interruption, no, none!” She then ushered away, Tanjirou at her side as she berated him lovingly on her way out. Once they were gone, I sighed.

“How is your wound?” I asked the Pillar as I knelt beside him, it was exhausting how prone he was to do exactly the opposite of what I would tell him. And yet, he was still a real sunshine to be with. “You are very worried, why is that? It’ll heal, it has not reopened, I am fine.” He said, lifting the shirt to show the wrappings still intact.

It’s with a deep breath that I explained one of the reasons I needed him in good health, “You are very valuable, and even if Master Ubuyashiki said he did not want you to fight you’d join fight anyway. The same fight that is in preparation, the one you’ll have to be ready for. I want you to be able to fight at the best of your abilities, because I trust you are powerful enough to tip the scale in our favor. So, make it easy for me, for both of us... I do not wish to be the reason you lose your life during the fight just because I did not treat you well enough, please…”

There was a short silence, sincerity was the best way to go with a man like him. He wanted that, he needed truths, not matter how it went, so I gave it to him. I was expecting him to be stubborn and tell me that he was fine, but he surprised me instead, “I will do my best to ease the burden of treating me!” “You’re not a burden- I did not mean it as such, I meant-“

“I am joking! I will stay put. Would you mind staying a bit longer? Having some company keeps me in check, it stops me from needing to do something to distract me from my thoughts,”

It caught me off guard, how blunt it was. I could have guessed something was troubling his mind, a lot could be doing so, but admitting he did not want to be alone… That was surprising, I could only accept. “I do owe you a song, do I not?” A huge smile made its way on his lips, it made my cheeks heat up from the undivided attention he now brought to me. I cleared my throat, when I was about to start he leaned in and held the side of my face, his thumb brushing over my right cheek. “You are embarrassed! Don’t be, I genuinely enjoy your voice, please don’t feel shy,”

There was no way I could tell him it did not help now that he had touched me, and that I felt my whole body set aflame. Instead, I moved his hand from my cheek and held it in mine, then started singing one of the many songs I was taught as a child. It always threw me back to my childhood, a wave of nostalgia hitting me. I closed my eyes, picturing old memories from when I was in my childhood home, running around with the other kids, summers, such as this one, spent in the fields, catching beetles. Helping my dad bring back wood to the house, it all came back to me.

Slowly, the song ended, I opened my eyes again and, in front of me, Kyojuro had tears rolling slowly down his face. “I’m sorry, did that song bring bad memories?”

“It was beautiful, it made me think of my little brother. I often helped him train with a wooden sword, before I became a Pillar. I miss him dearly, but plan on visiting my father’s house once this is over, maybe show him my breathing technique.” He paused, then smiled kindly, “You have a delicate voice, it felt like you were telling a story with such beautiful words. Would you care to sing another one?” A knot formed in my throat at the compliment he directed at me, not hearing his request at first. There was a delay in my response, but I nodded.

I patted his futon, “I’ll sing as many songs as you need until you fall asleep, I know you haven’t slept since I left,” “I don’t want to miss any of them!” I chuckled at his enthusiasm and went to grab a pillow from the closet to get more comfortable. “That is a problem, you are keen on not sleeping. I will not ask the reason why, but is there any way to convince you to sleep?”

The soft chuckle that left his lips made me uneasy, I saw the way his eyes looked askance as he slowly laid back on the futon. “Awful dreams plague my mind, it makes me restless, I found some respite when hearing your voice in my dreams… But it seems it’s not enough to keep them at bay,” He paused and huffed a laugh, “It is nothing I can’t get through, do not worry-“ “I’ll stay by your side until you’re asleep then, I’ll make sure to come check up on you throughout the night if you wish.”

His eyes widened, I caught myself off guard too. I should leave him; it was not a requirement to make sure he slept like a baby. It was not a requirement to care that much, but I felt a pull. Like planets around the sun, I felt right, it felt reassuring. “There is no need! I could never ask this much of you, I will be fine.”

I huffed and gesture for him to wait as I left the room, to only come back a few minutes after with trays of food. “Let us say, it is like I’m staying over for the night. Like when we were children, staying at a friend’s house,” Putting the trays next to Rengoku’s futon, I went to the cabinet and pulled out the other futon that was tucked away, and the small tables to keep the tray at a proper height. “Sumi will bring us tea, and you,” I placed his tray on the table next to him, “Will eat slowly, or I will make sure you don’t fight at all, understood?”

Relief flooded my body when he laughed loudly, nodding as he sat up. “Promised! Although, it would mean you would take care of me longer, I would not be against it,” My breath hitched in my throat, I looked at him without speaking. Then he let out a breathless laugh, “You are getting very playful, but your determination could not withstand being bed-ridden longer than necessary,” I started, opening the shoji-doors to take the teapot from Sumi’s hands, “You yearn for a fight, you would never let me worsen your state,” I said lightly as I knelt by my small table and poured tea inside Kyojuro’s cup.

“I yearn for something, someone, worth defending, protecting. I do not enjoy fighting aimlessly, I fight to protect the innocents and the ones who make my heart burn with passion,” He stared right at me as he said so, I felt how strongly he meant those words he had spoken. The need to apologize for assuming he was but a hot-blooded fighter was too strong, so I did. I apologized to him. “Do not, do not! It’s alright, I know a few Pillars who enjoy a good fight. If they ever ask to fight me, I will gladly accept, it is always a good practice,” He added, grinning as he brought a good portion of food with his chopsticks.

Feeling the need to lighten the mood, I ate a bit and told him, “Naho told me you enjoyed sweet potatoes, she is going to make some tomorrow, that ought to brighten your spirit-“ “Absolutely! Will you eat with me?” Looking up, I quirked a brow and smiled softly, about to explain, “I usually eat with-“ “Until I get back on my feet! After that, I will let you go back to Naho, Sumi and Kiyo. It would be an honor to have you eat with me while I get back to health!” He cut me off.

Closing my mouth, I weighed his words- how did he know I usually ate with them? “I am surprised you know of my evening routine, should I be worried of the extra pair of eyes watching my every movement?” It was a first, to see his face turn red in embarrassment. I had said so playfully, but it seems it made him a lot more bashful. “I did not mean to make you uncomfortable! I see you around the mansion, often around the same time in the evening you eat with them, that is all! I may have asked them to tell me when you are free, too. To no avail, they are silent as a tomb regarding your person,”

Sipping from my cup, I was now the one embarrassed as I asked, “Why would you want to know when I am free? I do not bite, you can ask me. Since Tengen is very curious, I told them to not tell a soul anything about me, that is all,”

Instead of replying, he shoved as much food in his mouth, before pointing at it and making me understand he couldn’t speak if it’s full. “I did tell you to eat small portions, Kyojuro. You’re going to-“ Choke is how I finished the sentence as I handed him his cup to help him swallow what he was choking on.

Once he was good, he cleared his throat and stared at me, a big smile on his face. The pink dust on his cheek had not left, “You are very busy, and resolved!” I laughed at that, nodding. “It shows when you train, even under the rain! You are not thrown off by such things, you are tenacious and strong. I like that!” The more he talked, the more I was becoming aware I was not the only one who would try to catch a glimpse of him, he would look my way too. I never caught him looking at me, we talked many times when crossing paths in the mansion, or when I’d treat his injuries. But here, it was different.

Here he was admitting he would try to find the right time to come my way, strike a conversation. Make it seem accidental too, but he was, as per his words, also very determined in his own actions. Perhaps too subtle, which was ironic coming from such a loud man, in his endeavor. “You admit you’ve been gawking when I train?” I asked jokingly, elating a silent gasp as he looked to the side only for a moment before looking at me.

“I am, yes! I wish to get to know you better and being bed-ridden seems to be the best way to do so,” I hummed in response, he continued, “I also see you lurking! You are bad at hiding your presence, but it’s alright. I can help you with that, if you’d like?” This time I was the one to choke on my food, he was just as fast to hand me his cup, instead of mine. I hesitantly took it, and drank some of his tea, handing it back to him with a thank you.

“I do not lurk, I come across your training and- and simply get fascinated by your movements. When Pillars are at the mansion, they leave just as soon, you do not, I take every opportunity to better my skills, that is all… And I do watch them train too… A bit,” I shrugged, putting my chopsticks horizontally on the bowl once I was done. It was a half-truth, it was part of the reason, yes. But when the others were training, I would let them be. When the Fire Pillar was part of the equation, I’ll admit I was gawking, drinking in the sight when he’d attach his long sleeves with a ribbon and tie his hair back. His eyes focused and sharp, he could see everything. No wonder he caught me.

“I asked the others! They sometimes catch you glancing at them, but that’s it. You only watch me, I do not mind! It’s cute, maybe we could train together if you are so willing to better your great skills,” He said genuinely, as if he hadn’t exposed my longing. Maybe he had not understood how much I enjoyed looking at him, craving to get closer and talk to him. But he had said so too, we both wanted to get to know one another.

Putting his chopsticks down, he was about to help me tidy up without saying anything more, but I told him to stay there. “Don’t, I’ll do it. You should lay down,” I said as I stood up, cleaning everything. “Lay down? Do you not know that if you go to sleep right after eating, you turn into a cow?” He said jokingly. “That is a superstition, as a child I believed so, but I know better now,” I walked to the door and placed everything outside, calling for the girls and hearing their socks against the well-waxed parquet as they rushed to the room. “I will be spending the night here, do not disturb,” I whispered to them. It earned me reddened cheeks as they ushered away, giggling and murmuring to each other.

Once I went back inside, Rengoku was standing with the crutches as he looked at me, beaming, “We should go for a walk! I do not wish to turn into a cow,” He said with conviction, a playful gleam in his eyes as he gestured with his head to follow him. “You…” I squinted my eyes, in a threatening way.

“I am not ready to go to sleep just yet, I wish to spend more time with you! Join me for a stroll?” Sighing, I reached his side and stood close to him as we wandered to the veranda. I was ready to catch him at any time if he tripped but he seemed to be managing well, “You do not really believe you’ll turn into a cow, do you?” I broke the silence, elating a loud laugh from the Fire Pillar. “I do not! Perhaps Senjuro believes it still, he is afraid to whistle at night in fear of attracting serpents,” Wanting to fool him a bit, I looked at him in shock, “Does it not?” His eyes widened as he stood still, looking at me in surprise.

Bursting out laughing, I held his arm and waved my arm in front of him, “I’m joking! You should have seen your face,” I laughed, trying to stay as silent as possible. “I am not a very superstitious person. But do not tell Master Ubuyashiki, he is a firm believer,” I told him discretely, noticing Kiyo at the corner ahead of us. She was eavesdropping, probably curious since I told them I would be staying in the Fire Pillar’s room tonight. “We have company,” I whispered, glancing subtly towards her. Without looking, Kyojuro smiled beautifully, “I am very aware, hopefully they will not tell Aoi that I am out of bed, bad things happen when we go against her orders,” His tone was lower than I’ve ever heard it, I even believed he did not know how to whisper. But he could, visibly.

“You are under my responsibility now, she has nothing to say with what I do with, or to, you,” I said in a playful tone, hoping to convey that I could do anything if he did not listen to me. Warmth filled my body when he threw me a side-glance and smirked. It was quick and gone like the breeze, but I caught it and it made me feel very much alive. We then both talked at the same time, I told him to go ahead but he encouraged me to go on, which I did, “They spread rumors like wildfire, those three girls, if Aoi is in on it, it’s going to be quite fast,” I said off-handedly, looking around to see if they were still here.

Laughing, Kyojuro stopped and leaned against the wall a moment, smiling my way, “The saying goes: rumors only last 75 days. All we will need to do is turn that rumor into truth! If it’s not a rumor, it’s not a problem!” I turned around, my eyes open wide in surprise as my mouth opened only slightly, speechless. Chuckling nervously, I did not comment on it and simply changed topic, clearing my throat as I nodded his way, “Let me help you back to your room, you seem exhausted,” Did he not realize what he was saying? How blunt, how forthright, and yet he seemed to be liking the idea a lot since he was smiling from ear to ear.

“I am not tired, maybe I’ve thought my recovery better than it actual is,” He laughed, letting me help him. He kept one crutch as we made our way back, while leaving the other behind. I was sure Kiyo would take it back to his room before we even arrived. “I forgot to ask you, what did you want to say earlier?” “That I wish to court-“ Repeating ‘no’ many times, I quickly interrupted him, ignoring the direction his sentence was going. “When we both spoke at the same time, you were going to say something,” He went silent a moment.

Then he laughed lightly, he moved his hand holding the crutch, losing his balance a bit. He seemed to stammer as he tried to find his words then found himself and said with confidence, “I would like to hold your hand, unfortunately it would be hard in the position we are in right now,”

A sound left my throat, out of surprise. Followed by a nervous laugh, before I moved my hand that was holding his elbow around my shoulders, to holding his hand. It was a strange position, the back of my hand was in his palm, our fingers intertwined. His hands were rough but warm, it felt comforting. None of us spoke until we arrived at his room, that’s when I gently removed his arm from around my shoulders to let him lay down, but he did not let go. Looking at him, I noticed the redness of his cheeks as he spoke, “I meant what I said, I wish to properly court you. Perhaps a few steps have been skimmed over already since you are in my chambers-“

I couldn’t help the embarrassed laugh, thinking he meant that since we were in the same bedroom we could have sex, but he quickly let go of my hand and moved them in front of him in panic, “Not in the way we should do anything! I find it funny that you are staying tonight, and I am grateful for it too-“ He paused and rubbed the back of his head before looking at me, “I am not good at this! But I like you!” He said loudly.

I snorted as I moved the crutch Kiyo brought back, next to his futon, then the penny dropped. I hadn’t paid attention to the last part, and it was now being assimilated in my brain. Keep your cool, get to know him, then see how it goes.

“I accept your courting, I would also like to get to know you…” Trailing off, I sat down on my futon after having blown the light off, “You are interesting Kyojuro, you’d be even more interesting if you listened to me once in a while,” I said playfully while laying down, facing his futon. He did the same, but did not seem exhausted at all, he was staring at me with wide eyes and a smile. “I am so excited to recover fully to finally be able to train with you!” He reached out across the tatami, his arm not long enough to reach my side with the distance between us.

My hand clenched the pillow tight, then I let go and reached out for his hand. I didn’t say anything, only continuing the conversation, but I stuttered as I spoke when I saw the content smile on his lips once I wrapped my hand around his. “I’ll see if Shinobu can help with your healing, I cannot promise anything… It’s funny because all you have to do is: nothing, and yet you’re struggling,” I huffed, laying on my back, while still holding his hand, “You mentioned someone called Senjurou, is that your brother?” I whispered, directing the question to the only person in the room.

Yet, I did not receive and answer. Calling his name softly, no answer was given again. I looked at him from the corner of my eye and saw he had fallen asleep, “Already?” I breathed, facing him once more. “Good…” When I tried to free my hand from his grasp, he held tighter but did not wake up. I let out a breathy laugh and squeezed back, thinking that there was no leaving him tonight. There were worse predicaments than this one, like having to take care of Sanemi’s wounds, right.

With how quiet the night was, sleep easily came to me. Deep inside, I was not convinced it was the quiet of the night that made it so easy to sleep, perhaps it was the comforting presence of the Pillar by my side. Whichever it was, I did not care.

[Part 2]

[thetomorrowshow]

unless you take your army back ch. 5

First  -  Previous  -  Next  -  Read on AO3!

yo once again giving you guys a chapter how’s everyone doing? My posting dates will never again be on tuesday lol expect wednesdays or fridays when possible <3

anyways other business if you see an A/N in here somewhere (it’ll be between brackets) lmk and I’ll edit it out

Enjoy :)

cw: food, eating disorders, discussion of injuries

~

Jack didn’t leave to sell papes the next morning, instead bringing a cup of coffee and some porridge to Crutchie, then settling in beside him with a real fancy sketchbook and a charcoal pencil.

The coffee wasn’t that great, but Crutchie drank it all, hoping the energy would distract him from the uncomfortable tightness of his fresh bandages. Only one of the cuts that had split open was one that had needed stitches (Katherine had snipped the thread and pulled it out three days ago), but they would all probably scar. At least he already liked to wear long shirts and pants.

The porridge was fine, but rich. After about four bites, Crutchie rested the bowl on the windowsill. Just weeks ago, he would’ve been able to scarf down twice that amount in a matter of minutes, but now he could barely handle eating enough to feed a baby. He was sure he’d get better faster if he’d just eat more, but he just--couldn’t.

This wasn’t even the first time Crutchie had seen kids have trouble eating. At least half the newsies who did a stint in the Refuge came back uneasy around food, too accustomed to there being too little to go around. A lot of food was a trick, just the right amount was too much to stomach, and the little bit that they felt they needed wasn’t enough to keep them going.

So Crutchie knew that what he was going through with his food aversion was normal--expected, even. The frustrating problem was that Crutchie knew how to fix it. He had seen the others go through this, had watched Jack and Race and Specs help others, had even guided Tommy Boy through recovery himself just a few months ago. He knew the signs, he knew how to work through it, and yet he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t snap himself out of it.

Just the thought of food made him queasy, scared, uncertain of what was to come. When the guards brought food, it meant the respite was over. It meant scraps shoved down his throat as quickly as possible, followed by a day of grueling, pointless work with no breaks. He didn’t have the time to finish this bowl of porridge. More than a few bites and he was going to be tardy, the guards were going to beat him and he would fall and he wouldn't be able to get back up, not again not again not again--

“Crutchie, you gonna finish that?”

Crutchie looked up from his lap to see Jack, concern creasing his brow. He shrugged, not sure if he could even pretend to smile. “I didn’t see you eat, wanted to save some for you.” He didn’t need anyone’s help. He knew how to handle this.

Jack frowned. “Nah, I ate on the way up, nicked a bun. Is there some . . . other . . . reason?”

Stupid Jack Kelly and his ‘subtle’ prodding. Crutchie stretched his arms out a bit, affecting a casual look. A bandage rubbed against a raw patch of his chest, but instead of burning, it . . . itched.

That meant he was starting to get better, right? Or was it infected or something? Whatever it meant, it was a good excuse.

“Not really, just been itchin’ all mornin’, so I ain't all that hungry,” he explained, scratching his stomach for emphasis. “Bit bothering, y’know?”

He was sure he didn’t quite have Jack convinced, but it was enough for him to drop the matter. After all, Jack was under the impression that Crutchie had eaten a whole apple the morning before, and he’d been fairly good at emptying bowls of soup all week (not necessarily into his mouth, but Jack didn’t need to know that).

After a moment’s hesitation, Jack smiled. “Hey, itchy, huh?” He lightly punched Crutchie’s knee, which also didn’t hurt like he expected. “That’s good, means stuff is startin’ ta close up and heal.”

Crutchie nodded, feeling something in his chest try to jump excitedly. Even after falling so badly last night, he was getting better. That meant that maybe soon, he could be right back out there, hawking headlines and getting enough pity from his regulars and strangers to make twice the amount he usually did.

Thinking of it-- “Jack, why ain’t you out sellin’?”

Jack looked away--ashamed? Guilty? What? Had he gotten in trouble with the bulls again already? Jack muttered something, then buried his face in his new sketchbook, the tips of his ears burning red.

“That ain’t gonna cut it,” Crutchie said incredulously. “Who d’ya think I am, Race? I ain’t distracted that easy.”

Jack huffed, but didn’t drop his sketchbook. In a barely audible voice, he said very quickly “I soaked the Delanceys yesterday and the fellas think I oughtta stay away from ‘em and maybe take a day off ta give ‘em time ta forget about it.”

Okay, but attacking the Delanceys was something Jack did on a weekly basis. The Delanceys weren’t bright enough to carry a grudge overnight, and they were in a constant state of goading Jack, so what was different about this time?

Then Crutchie remembered their argument last night, what Jack and Davey had told him about how Oscar and Morris had been talking.

“Have they, uh,” Crutchie started, quiet, “been talking about . . . uh, ‘bout me . . . all week?”

Jack stiffened from behind his sketchbook, but nodded jerkily. “Tha’s what Specs said, anyhow.”

“Right.” Crutchie swallowed, looking away out the window. Buttons was out there, looped around a fire escape, calling something through cupped hands. The Delanceys were somewhere out there too, and could be talking about him that very moment, maybe even making plans to come after him. There was no way he could stop them, no way anyone could stop them. After all, Jack couldn’t be here all the time, and Kloppman was old, wiry but feeble compared to Oscar and Morris. They could take the man down in no time, then be up here and Crutchie would have nowhere to go and no way to escape.

Crutchie was suddenly very glad that Jack was here.

There were a few moments of silence, during which Crutchie continued to watch Buttons. His grin was visible even from this distance, growing wider any time he managed to sell a paper or two. Buttons had been having trouble selling lately--he was a little timid, too shy when it counts--so it was nice to see him having some success.

The lady talking to him now seemed nice, by the way Buttons was nodding and had fully disentangled himself from the fire escape to converse with her. The lady turned slightly, her face visible under her sun hat, and--hey! That was one of Crutchie’s regulars! She bought a paper on her way to visit her mother-in-law every other day, and always passed Crutchie’s selling spot on purpose. It was nice to see her again, almost . . . sentimental. Crutchie never thought he would feel almost misty-eyed over some lady whom he briefly interacted with a handful of times a week, but here he was. More than miss her, he missed being out there, he supposed.

“Hey, Crutch?”

Crutchie startled out of his thoughts. The woman was no longer there, Buttons once again attaching himself to the fire escape. Jack was watching him, a carefully disguised look of something on his face. Crutchie raised his eyebrows.

“Uh, so, I missed a union thing, what with last night,” Jack said. “So I’m gonna hafta do it today sometime. That cool with you?”

“What sorta thing?” Crutchie asked suspiciously. If it involved reporters and pictures and all that, Crutchie was not going to allow it to happen in here.

Not that you could stop it, a nasty voice in the back of his mind whispered, causing the hair on the back of his neck to stand up. Jack could do anything to you right now. He was pretty angry last night, after all. You know what anger leads to.

Crutchie swallowed drily. He didn’t need to think about that.

“Oh, just a guy I gotta meet with,” Jack said, far too casually. He made a show of scratching his head. “He might bring another couple o’ fellas with him, so I’s just . . . lettin’ you know.”

Okay, so this wasn’t something he could stop. Great. That calmed him down so much. Crutchie gripped the blanket over him tightly, trying to not show that his hands had begun to tremble. He was fine, he didn’t need Jack getting all worried over nothing. It was just some . . . unknown guy. With bodyguards. Coming into the room to have a discussion with Jack.

“Hey. Hey.”

Crutchie pulled himself from his spiral to see Jack laying his hands over his. “It’s okay,” Jack said seriously. “I can chat with ‘em in another room, or outside. You don’t oughtta have guys in here that you ain’t know.”

Crutchie released his grip, more to assuage Jack than his nerves. He nodded, not sure what he was even expected to say. What if a fight broke out? And Jack was all alone, against three or four guys? He couldn’t let Jack be alone.

“Nah, it’s fine,” Crutchie said hoarsely. Wow, he needed something to drink. He hadn’t noticed his throat drying up. “I uh, I can be your second?”

The words were barely out of his mouth before he regretted them. Of course Jack didn’t want him as his second! He was just some stupid, useless, injured cripple, and Jackhad to still be mad at him for last night. He’d want Davey there, probably--Davey was one of the union heads too, right? And Davey was so good at talking things through and being all smart. All Crutchie could do was make people laugh or feel bad for him--great for selling papes and living on the street, terrible for union business.

“Would ya?” Jack asked. He almost looked a little bit relieved, which took Crutchie aback. “You know how I can get. It’s--it’s nice, havin’ somebody backin’ me up. ‘Specially you, Crutch, you’s real good at talkin’ to folks.”

The air left Crutchie’s lungs. Was he? He was pretty good at selling to just about anyone. Jack used to joke that he would be able to sell a pape to Pulitzer himself for a dollar, without the man even realizing it was his own paper or too high a price. Jack would say that to just about anyone who would listen, actually.

How had Crutchie forgotten that?

“Who’s these folks, then?” Crutchie asked, shifting a bit so that his head was almost level with Jack’s. He liked to think that he was pretty accustomed to the broken ribs at this point--they hurt, but he could now sit up without even breathing heavy. After the week he’d had, Crutchie counted that as a win.

Jack’s carefully casual air was back, clear in the stiff lines of his body and the forced half-grin on his lips. “Just some guys who got a say in newsie union stuff, y’know? From one o’ the other turfs.”

That made sense, actually. The Manhattan newsies weren’t the only ones in the union, after all. In fact, if what Elmer had excitedly told him was true, Davey had shook hands with Spot Conlon and led him straight to Pulitzer’s office, after Conlon had spoken at Davey’s rally--

Oh.

Oh no.

“You’s bringin’ Spot Conlon to the place we sleep?!”

“It was--”

“No no no, lemme get this straight,” Crutchie said, incredulous. “Spot Conlon, leader of the Brooklyn borough, is comin’ here. To Manhattan’s lodging house. Now I know that Brooklyn joined the strike, but there is no way we’s become friends with Brooklyn in the two weeks I ain’t been around, and ya don’t show allies where ya sleep.”

“They already knows where we sleep, there’s a huge sign on the buildin’!” Jack shot back. He dropped his work and gestured widely. “Manhattan newsboys lodgin’ house, in big ol’ letters, smack on the front! Was it s’posed ta be a secret? Or do ya think they just can’t read?”

“It’s the principle of the matter,” Crutchie replied stubbornly. “Ya don’t invite them into your home, you hold ‘em at arm’s length for when they in’vitably scab!”

“Well, that ain’t no way ta treat your allies,” a voice said from the doorway.

Crutchie and Jack both looked up to see the man himself, an unimpressed Spot Conlon, with two lackeys--and also Racetrack. Race waved casually.

“Hey Jack, hey Crutch!” Race said. “Spot’s here ta meet with ya.”

Jack strode across the room, spat and shook with Spot, anxiously adjusting his hat with his other hand. “Nice ta see ya, Conlon,” he said, the geniality in his voice a stark contrast from his heated arguing moments before. Crutchie snorted. Jack shot him a glare.

“So, what’s sayin’ we get straight ta business, Kelly?” Spot suggested, walking further into the room without invitation. Race tipped his hat at them all, then stuck his cigar in his mouth and took off. “This here’s Hotshot, and the other’s Sharpshooter,” Spot threw out, gesturing at the two guys with him. They each nodded in turn.

“Right,” Jack said, “This is Crutchie, he’s my second.”

Spot turned a piercing gaze on Crutchie. Crutchie felt his face heat up as Spot’s sharp eyes took in the patchwork of yellow-brown bruises on his face and throat, the scabbed-over gash on his temple, the splint wrapping his left arm. Finally, he turned away to face Jack.

“You met with Joe of late?” Spot asked. Jack nodded.

“Saw ‘im yesterday. No complaints from his side--he’s sayin’ they’s already noticed circulation goin’ up. You’s been meetin’ with the Journal and the Sun, yeah?”

Spot gave an affirmative nod. “We got ‘em where we want ‘em,” he said with a chuckle. Crutchie waited for him to elaborate. He did not.

Jack seemed sort of disconcerted--Crutchie wondered if Spot could tell. This was all happening so suddenly. Moments ago, Crutchie hadn’t even known anyone was coming. Now there were three Brooklyn newsies standing over his bed, and he couldn’t do anything to defend himself or make them leave. Brooklyn was always angry, always jeering, doing nothing to strengthen the tentative peace they had come to a few months ago.  Really, Crutchie had good reason to be wary. Brooklyn newsies had more than once kicked his crutch out from under him.

Spot and Jack were talking about something, but Crutchie couldn’t really pay attention to them. The one called Sharpshooter was staring him down, in a way that said both I’m-trying-to-intimidate-you and I-don’t-need-to-intimidate-you-weakling. Hotshot was doing the exact same thing to Jack, but Jack seemed unbothered. Crutchie was pretty sure he wasn’t pulling that off near as well. He hadn’t been stared at like that--like he was a piece of dirt that stubbornly remained as you scrubbed at a window--since he’d been . . . there. The Refuge.

Crutchie turned his gaze to the window. Buttons was out of sight, the fire escape likely blazing hot in the sun. There weren’t very many people visible whatsoever--it was stifling out, which was probably why Brooklyn was already here. Selling would have to be done in a very particular fashion today--morning, at the coolest, when everyone was headed for work, then around the lunch hours, then the last few in the evening. Crutchie felt bad for the likely sunburned newsies, frantically trying to sell all their papes in those short windows of time, clothes sticking to them with sweat and the hot air weighing them down.

“Hey, Crutch?”

Crutchie looked back to the conversation. Jack was watching him expectantly, as was Spot. Crutchie tried to not look clueless--he had really been zoning out, hadn’t he? How much time had passed? Why was everyone looking at him?

“D’you mind answerin’ any questions Spot has? I’m gettin’ us all some water.”

Crutchie nodded. It couldn’t be that hard, right? He had totally lost track of the conversation, but he knew a fair bit about what had happened and what was going to happen with the union, mostly from Jack rambling in the afternoons when the silence became too much for one of them.

“So,” Spot said brusquely as soon as the door closed behind Jack. “All that from the strike?”

Crutchie blinked. All what? He needed a bit more context. He should’ve been listening. He opened his mouth to ask, then saw Spot vaguely waving at his body. Oh.

“Nah,” Crutchie mumbled, uncomfortable under the scrutiny. “Some of it, yeah. Mostly the Refuge, though.”

Spot sucked a breath in through his teeth, and Hotshot turned away. “Looks like you was lucky to make it out alive.”

“Oh, yeah,” Crutchie said bitterly. He almost laughed. “By the end there I was ’lucinatin’ so bad I thought I’d been buried already. Probably I was hours from bein’ gone forever.”

Silence. He’d made it awkward, hadn’t he? Crutchie tried to come up with some useful purpose for Spot Conlon to know this, like maybe he’d get pity or sympathy or something and the Brooklyn newsies would leave him alone, but it honestly sounded worse than Conlon straight up hating him. Crutchie was tired of being pitied. He was tired of being a charity case.

“How long?” That was Sharpshooter, his voice pitched a lot higher than Crutchie expected. It didn’t quite match his height and dark eyes.“Was you there, I means.”

“A week, I think. It’s sorta blurry.”

Spot whistled. “Snyder musta had it out for ya. All that in just a week? I’s had boys in there for months come out lookin’ better.”

Again, Crutchie almost laughed. “Everybody has it out for the crip,” he said bluntly, his eyes on his hands as he twisted the blanket between his fingers. “Throw in my personal connection ta Jack Kelly union leader, and a week is a long time ta be lastin’.”

Crutchie looked up. Spot was giving him a strange look--it wasn't pity, like Crutchie expected. It wasn’t disgust. It wasn’t even shock that he was still alive. It was--he didn’t know. And then it was gone.

“Crutchie, right?” Spot asked, glancing out a window aloofly. Crutchie nodded. “You’s a good kid. If you ever finds you in some sorta trouble . . . you’s welcome in Brooklyn.”

What?

He understood that they were allies, but allies did not mean that anyone from either turf was allowed to just go wandering over. The only person who had ever been allowed to was Race, who sold in Brooklyn--why, Crutchie didn’t know. Crutchie didn’t think anyone knew. There were plenty of good spots in Manhattan--why did Race trek all the way to a hostile turf just to sell papes? The point was, this wasn’t something that just happened. Ever. Brooklyn and Manhattan had been on bad terms for as long as Crutchie had been a newsie, and before that as far as anyone could remember.

Crutchie didn’t have much more time to think about it, though, as Jack reentered the room, balancing three glasses of water carelessly enough that it made Crutchie tense up, as if ready to catch one when it dropped. One he handed to Spot, one to Crutchie, and the last to Hotshot. Sharpshooter rolled his eyes and swiped it, half-draining the glass before handing it back.

“Crutchie clear anything up?” Jack asked. Spot continued to stare at Crutchie, a slight crease between his brows.

“Yeah, a few things,” Spot answered absently. “A few.”

The discussions continued for another ten minutes or so, Jack eventually convincing Spot that they were not currently trying to lower the price even further (“I’ve already got Bill down ta fifty-two per hundred, why should I stop?”), and got him to agree to work closely with Davey when Jack wasn’t available. That seemed to be all they could resolve for the time being without attacking each other, which was probably the most that had ever been done by a Manhattan newsie and a Brooklyn newsie working together. When Spot went to leave, though, he turned to Crutchie.

“Ol’ Jack ever oversteps, ya know where ta find us,” he said with a firm nod. “Any guy from Brooklyn will bring ya to me, jus’ say the word.” With that, he was gone, Sharpshooter and Hotshot marching after him.

Jack froze, halfway to gathering the two glasses from where they’d been set on the floor, his mouth agape. “Wh--” he tried. Crutchie could have laughed. He didn’t. But he could’ve. “Did Spot Conlon jus’--” he whipped around to stare at Crutchie. “What’d you talk about?” he demanded. “How’d ya get Spot Conlon ta make you an honorary Brooklyn boy?”

Crutchie shrugged. He wasn’t quite sure what had passed between them himself, and he also wasn’t sure that he wanted to know. It wasn’t like he’d done anything. Spot barely knew who he was. The first time they met had been today.

“W-well, if you isn’t gonna eat that, hand it to me.”

The change in subject took Crutchie by surprise, but he passed the partly-eaten bowl of porridge to Jack, who gave him one last suspicious glance before leaving the room.

Crutchie hated being alone these days--the only things worth doing were sleeping and practicing walking. The second one was off the table after yesterday, and he was sick of sleeping, but when there was nobody around there was nothing to do but think. Nothing to do but fall deeper and deeper into a dark chasm that yawned open in his mind. Nothing to do but slowly become more and more paranoid. . . .

He wished he had asked Jack for some more water before he left. Not that Jack wasn’t coming back or anything, it just would’ve been nice to not force him to make another trip.

When Jack returned some ten minutes later, though, he was not alone. Holding his hand was Katherine, laughing at something Jack had said before they entered the room. Crutchie shrunk away. He didn’t want to see Katherine--she would try to pay for a doctor to come see him or insist on checking each of his wounds or something equally mortifying.

“Look who turned up!” Jack said brightly, and Crutchie tried not to frown too obviously.

“Hi, Katherine,” he said politely. “How’re you?”

“Oh, Crutchie, you look so much better!” Katherine exclaimed. Crutchie examined her face carefully. Mostly the truth, but something in her eyes told him that she was still worried about him. “Look at you, sitting up and everything!” a pause. “Have you, um, been eating well?”

There it was. Crutchie hadn’t seen himself in the mirror in a while--every time someone carried him to the washroom, he’d resolutely avoided it. He knew that his face was still multicolored from the various stages of healing his bruises were in, but he hadn’t even thought that he might look malnourished. Elmer’s bracelet was pretty loose on his wrist, now that he was thinking about it. His unwrapped elbow practically jutted out of his skin.

Great. He’d spent a week in the Refuge and had come out looking like the most pitiful creature ever. He was so weak--it had been such a short amount of time! And now he’d been in bed for just as long, when he should’ve been recovered by now!

“Been workin’ on it,” Crutchie managed, trying not to let his thoughts show too obviously. “Hard ta get back up ta where it’s s’posed ta be, y’know?”

“Yeah, he’s been eating less,” Jack added. “It happens, but he’s been tryin’ ta eat most everything I bring him.”

Crutchie resolutely did not blush or look away. There was no reason for Katherine to believe anything to the contrary. Still, she and Jack watched him carefully for a few moments, then exchanged a look. Was he supposed to say something?

“Jack said there was quite the scare last night,” continued Katherine. “Are you feeling okay after your fall?”

Crutchie nodded. He wasn’t lying, actually. He did feel better than he had all week, even if all of his injuries felt raw from falling. Nothing was hazy anymore, nor particularly sharp. It felt almost normal, if the pain could be ignored. He was getting better.

“Why’re you here, Kath?”

Katherine’s smile strained. “Can’t a girl check up on her best friend?”

Crutchie leveled a stare of his own at her. This was the first he’d heard of being best friends. She had to have some sort of ulterior motive--a doctor or a medicine or something stupid like that. He hated to think it, but couldn’t she just leave him alone?

“Okay, I came--of my own volition, by the way--to ask you if you’d be willing to be seen by my family doctor--”

“Nope, thanks,” Crutchie said loudly, glaring hard enough to bore a hole in Katherine’s head. “As you can see, I’s healin’ up just fine.”

“It wouldn’t cost anything, my father--”

“I won’t be botherin’ your father, if it’s all the same ta you,” Crutchie retorted. “Nor no one. I’m gonna be out there sellin’ again soon, an’ if I decides I need a doctor, I’ll save up the cost myself and see ‘im when I feel like it.”

Katherine and Jack exchanged another look, one that told Crutchie they thought he was being stubborn. And so what if he was? Stubbornness had kept him alive countless times. His particular brand of stubborn had been considered both adorable and inspiring in the past. Maybe he was being annoying, but so what? Was it why they wouldn’t listen to him? Did acting annoying really mean he was stripped of his worth to them, his autonomy?

After a long staring contest with Jack, Katherine huffed and rolled her eyes. “Boys,” she muttered, turning away from both of them. Jack sighed, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. The lines of Katherine’s shoulders were sharp and tight, radiating tension that was echoed in Jack’s nervous stance.

Crutchie picked at the blanket. Why did every conversation seem to turn into a fight lately? He just wanted people to respect his choices. Heck, maybe he would take Spot up on that offer. It sounded nice to be around people who had no history with him, a fresh slate, a new standard to set. He would get to prove he was strong to them, instead of being cooped up because they were too afraid of how broken he was.

“Well,” Katherine said, straightening her shoulders and facing them again, “take off your shirt, then.”

Crutchie choked. So did Jack. “Uh, what?” Jack sputtered.

“Buy me dinner first,” Crutchie managed.

Katherine rolled her eyes. “You want to be back out there, don’t you?” she asked Crutchie. He nodded, a little scared of where this was going. “I need to make sure you’re healing well enough, if you won’t see a doctor. Then I’ll tell you when you can continue to sell newspapers. And Jack? Get us something to drink.”

[team-council]

These are my Alina/Cadence HCs bc I lowkey ship them! Note that for this I’m assuming gay couples are automatically bad matches bc they can’t reproduce. Also this contains some HCs that just pertain to these characters and not exclusively their relationship.

Also big thanks to @everyonehasthoughts for listening to me ramble about this + also coming up with some of the ones featured here

• Alina and Cadence are about the same age and they have been dating in secret since they were 16

• Because Alina always wanted to be in the nobility, they mutually agreed it would be best for her reputation that things stayed on the DL between them

• However, as they got older Cadence grew less secure about this. She wasn’t happy feeling like she had to keep her love for Alina a secret, but mostly just worried frequently that their relationship was more of a burden on Alina than anything else

• Cadence isn’t very open with her feelings, so while Alina was able to tell something was wrong with her she could get Cadence to elaborate on it- mostly because Cadence was worried Alina would feel guilty about her discontentment.

• Alina herself hates the arrangement as well. She’s a very proud person and it literally kills her that she can’t go to parties and watch people writhe with jealousy as she dances with the prettiest girl (Cadence) in the room, or that she can’t gush about all of the amazing research Cadence does to everyone she meets. But most of all, of course, she hates that she can’t give Cadence the life they both deserve together.

• Alina, however, is willing to brave this- or so she thinks. She’s certain that one day she and Cadence will be married after Alina’s been in the nobility- maybe even on the council- just long enough to change the system for the better

• Cadence, on the other hand, can’t bear it any longer. She’s already naturally a distant person and the pull of her research quickly becomes an enticing escape from her anxieties about her relationship with Alina.

• Cadence officially breaks things off with Alina when she leaves to research the ogres on a more personal level, telling her that it’s not her fault and that she just wants to focus on research at the moment.

• Alina is absolutely devastated. Despite wanting to support Cadence’s dream she does beg her to stay. Like beg beg, like fucking sobs

• Cadence is extremely distressed by this and leaves before she can change her mind, believing they’ll both be happier if they focus on their respective ambitions.

• Alina doesnt take this very well. All her life she’s dreamt of having someone to love. She’s terrified of being alone and she wants desperately for someone else to love her- because despite the vanity she fronts, she’s not capable of doing it herself

• Alden has been interested in Alina for some time, and since he’s on her match list she decides to pursue him.

• The two hit it off surprisingly well, and while Alina doesn’t love him as deeply as she loves Cadence Alden makes her feel cared for and important and serves as a welcomed respite from her heartache and fears of lonliness

• This does not last, as Alden moves on from her extremely abruptly, getting with Della

• Since Cadence is in Ravagog- somewhere Alina would have a hard time getting to her even if she had the balls to face her again (which she does not)- Alina decides in utter desperation to pursue Alden despite his rejecting her

• She can’t handle another heartbreak

• She can’t handle feeling like she isn’t good enough again

• She needs to be loved

• We all know how it goes from there for her

• While this is going down with Alina, Cadence is having a much different experience with the ogres

• At first her new, freeing lifestyle keeps her mind off Alina. She’s happier on her boat, able to research as she pleases, able to isolate herself with her work without being bothered or subjected to ridicule from elves not particularly fond of her ogre-centric studies

• But even Cadence’s solitary disposition has its limits, and in her early year’s at Ravagog things are /hard/ for her. She doesn’t have any elven friends and the ogres still don’t trust her enough to truly be companions

• She feels entirely alone sometimes and spends many nights staring at her imparter, wanting to call Alina. To tell her everything she’s been through, to excitedly ramble about her research, to complain about Dimitar’s god awful temper, to cry because no matter how hard she tries to stomach it her mind gets a bit weaker with each display of violence she’s shown- something that ogres see her as lesser for, even despite the fact that she doesn’t look down on them for those practices in the first place like other elves do

• She never does call her though

• Her time in Ravagog amplifies some of her best traits- her curiosity, her compassion, her patience- but also some of her worst- her reclusive tendencies and her emotional reservation specifically.

• It’s decades before Lady Cadence is called back to teach at Foxfire

• Alina begs the council to pick another mentor for Sophie, but can’t press it too hard without looking suspicious

• They spend a long time avoiding one another, adverting their eyes in the staff rooms and halls, sitting on opposite ends of the table at meetings

• But before they know it they start gravitating towards one another again

• At first it’s little things like soft, stolen glances or pacing at one another’s sides on the way to a conference

• Then they start talking again

• Cadence arranged for them to have tea during their free time. They chat and catch up and pretend like nothing happened

• Then Alina invites Cadence to dinner at her house, where she ends up breaking down. Cadence cuddles her as she does her best to explain what happened with Alden, how small and disposible she felt when he left her, how she felt like just being with him was a betrayal of Cadence

• Cadence assured her that it’s alright, she tells Alina she’s loved and she’s important, she promises her that things will get better and fights tears of her own

• There’s so much more cadence wants to say, baggage of her own that she’s about to collapse under the weight of

• But, again, she’s had to overcompensate for her weaknesses living with ogres. She’s even worse about her emotions now than she was before and crams them all into a box and shoved them away

• Alina can tell this, but unlike before she’s determined not to give up. She’s going to make thing’s right. She’s going to make sure Cadence Talle, who has spent her life understanding others, is finally understood herself

• And then Councillor Kenric dies.

• They’re both made candidates for the councillor position

• When Alina’s elected it’s unlike she ever imagined it would be. This isn’t going to be in and out. It’s not a matter of changing the match system or garnering respect for the talentless. She’s smack in the middle of a war. The man who held her position previously was murdered. It’s a greater commitment than she ever wanted out of the nobility, and it comes to her right when she’s finally got Cadence back again after so many years

• Cadence encourages her to take the position. She’s stuck at Foxfire anyways so it isn’t like she’s going anywhere. She’s- endlessly- worried about Alina’s safety, but she keeps those fears to herself. If Alina’s to be a councillor, Cadence will need to trust and respect her as a leader, not coddle her like a lover- much as she might like to.

• Alina eventually relents and takes up her new position

• The two keep in contact with calls here and there, but Alina is more busy than she’s ever been and after Ravagog is destroyed Cadence demands time away from her duties at foxfire to visit and help with damage control and recovery

• The next time they’re alone in person again Cadence is lying unconscious in an infirmary bed

• When Alina got the news that she had been attacked at Havenfield she dropped everything to visit her. It was impossible to pry her from her side. She sat next to her bed and gripped her hand as tightly as she could in her own, begging her to wake up and be alright

• Cadence doesn’t take too long to come around, and when she does she find’s her chest grows unbearably warm at the sight of Alina, whom she accepts that, in that moment, she is still completely in love with

• Cadence assured her that she’s fine, even attempting to get out of bed in order to hug her. This does not work. Alina has to drag her back onto the bed before Elwin bursts in and tells them both off

• It takes Cadence a while to talk Alina out of assigning her a body guard, and Alina relents only just barely under the logic that the attack wasn’t targeted at Cadence so there’s no need for concern

• Alina can tell that the incident weighs on her, but again she can’t get her to open up

• When Luminaria falls Alina, fortunately, sustains a few cuts and a couple broken bones like some of the other councillors but nothing too bad. By the time Cadence hear’s of the incident and comes running there’s not much to see of the accident anymore. But that doesn’t stop Cadence from pressing kisses against what of her is bandaged up (and dousing her in a number of different baked confections and flavorful teas)

• Again, they’re contact wanes for a little. Cadence is desperate to keep Dimitar from shutting the ogres away from the rest of the world and focussed most of her attention on that

• When they talk again it’s after Alina had been told that Cadence was the intended target of the Havenfield attack. Before she can start talking about bodyguards and security measures, however, Cadence finally breaks down.

• She clings to Alina like a child and recounts the interrogation session, how she’d failed to reason with the ogre, how he’d died as a result. Alina can’t empathize with her grief. She thinks of the assassin and bile rises in her throat. But she stifles her anger and holds cadence, promising that it isn’t her fault, that the work she’s done is good work, that the hatred he held for her was unwarranted and ill conceived

• When Cadence calms down she explains everything she’s been withholding. Her anxiety about their relationship, her paralyzing lonliness, her frustrations having to abandon her research, her still very real love for Alina

• Alina can’t help the few tears that come to her eyes. She’s finally got past Cadence’s walls, she can finally talk to her and comfort her like she needs to in order to help her feel secure

• Alina assures her that their relationship was never a burden, that she’s never been ashamed of Cadence, that she still loves her as well, and that she’d always be willing to take her back. They touch on other issues as well. Alina can’t entirely convince her that she doesn’t need to be constantly reserve herself they do make an agreement to be more open with one another

• They’re still plenty busy though, and mostly keep their interactions to friendly conversation and platonic affection as so not to threaten Alina’s position on the council. Alina has made plans to resign once the Neverseen is dealt with and marry Cadence like she’d always planned. Cadence is hoping that Alina won’t mind spending some of their time as a couple in Ravagog, and Alina’s hoping that Cadence won’t mind spending some time literally anywhere else

[starswornoaths]

For the Wicked never Sleep - Commission!

Another commission for the lovely @anorptron! Thank you so much for your patronage!

Following the finale battle at the Steps of Faith, Edmont and the rest of Sage’s family take shifts watching over him, have important and difficult realizations regarding their treatment of their friend, and resolve to let him rest. Lots of familial hurt/comfort here!

Word count: 5,026

Commission info!

Ever since the conclusion of the Dragonsong War, the members of House Fortemps found themselves in a struggle no less arduous, though one of a much more personal nature: the struggle between needing to give their wounded brother the space needed to recover, and the desperate need to ensure that he was well and truly alright.

Would that it was only a matter of entrusting the chirurgeons to do their job— that would have been a simple enough thing, though the waiting would doubtless be no less agonizing for them— though there were whispers of other factors needing to be considered, things that had to be taken in to account considering who it was that was being tended to.

Sage had laid the dread wyrm Nidhogg to rest, at long last capping off a millennia of war and strife, and leaving the chance for genuine peace between man and dragon to be achieved. The battle had been fierce, fearsome, and fateful, leaving losses on both sides thus far innumerable and insurmountable. That he was not among those slain in the line of duty was nothing short of a miracle, though his wounds were grievous. 

With Nidhogg slain and Estinien restored, Sage had tried his damndest to posture and insist he was well enough to make it through Foundation under his own power, though he scarcely made it long enough to ensure Aymeric had left with Estinien in tow before promptly collapsing into the stone of the Steps of Faith. For a blessing, none presumed him truly well, and the field medics reporting in for duty had already been ordered to see to him as Aymeric had passed them, not fully trusting that Sage would have permitted them to see him if it were not under direct order.

Sage had lost consciousness before the chirurgeons had even gotten to him.

Thankfully, Ishgard housed the best and brightest chirurgeons available outside of the Shroud, and so he was brought to the Congregation for immediate treatment. Though the Fortemps family had been notified of what had befell their ward, by the time they arrived, the chirurgeons were already ushering them out before they had even entered the medical wing, citing a need for space. Given the spacious nature of the rooms, one could only guess at how many of them were needed to stabilize him, and how desperately they had to work to heal him.

For the first stretch of the chirurgeons working on him, they would not let even the Lord Commander through to check on him. By all accounts, it was touch and go enough that they could not afford the lapse in focus. Despite wanting to pace a hole in the stone floor for how anxious Edmont felt— he, and Sage’s brothers, all— Aymeric managed to talk the rest of the family down from doing so. With the promise that Aymeric would stay behind and work through the night besides, but would also work from the office beside the chirurgeon’s ward to be available for any updates as soon as there were any to be had— “For he is my brother, too,” he’d said— the remaining Fortemps men had agreed and ultimately relented, and waited for news at home.

Just as the Lord Commander had not slept, nor did they, even back in Fortemps Manor, though given the runner that was sent to notify them around the first bell past midnight that Sage had been stabilized but not yet regained consciousness, they considered their restlessness a blessing. It hadn’t mattered that Artoirel had his own minor wounds to have care for, nor had it mattered that Edmont’s bad leg locked up something fierce in the cold. When they received word, they had ran to the Congregation.

Aymeric had been the one to meet them at the entrance, and had managed to calm them enough that by the time they had made it up to the chirurgeon’s ward, they were sufficiently quiet, and with a reassurance that they would behave satisfactory to the chirurgeons handling Sage, they were given clearance to be granted entry. His wounds are deep, but pain medication has been administered, said one of the chirurgeons. He’s stable, and he’s expected to make a full recovery, but he needs to rest, emphasized another.

A sentiment they all agreed with, even before they had laid eyes on him, though the moment they saw him, bandaged and bruised and battered, lying unconscious on his bed, they agreed all the more vehemently. There was a fever that had yet to break, they had been warned, though seeing how significantly his skin had paled made him look all the more sickly. Despite the sheen of sweat that stubbornly clung to him, he shivered beneath the blankets. Shivering that further exacerbated what stitches and wounds he yet bore. 

Seeing their brother in such a state, Artoirel and Emmanellain shared a look, nodded amongst themselves, and took point. The elder brother fetched a blanket from the storage cabinet and passed it over, and the two of them worked to unfurl it and cover Sage with it, movements slow and careful. Even before the heat of the blanket had fully settled over Sage, the worst of his shivering had already noticeably improved. While Artoirel took to searching for a bowl to fill with water, Emmanellain gathered some few cloths to use, and when the water was thus procured, wet one of them himself and brushed the sweat from Sage’s brow.

Once Sage had quieted, they all took it upon themselves to take the vigil over him in shifts. Aymeric had already taken the first, the Fortemps men reasoned, it seemed only fair that he step out and continue working for the time being. Reluctant though the Lord Commander was to leave his brother in such a state, he ultimately agreed that it was more sensible to take shifts to avoid spreading themselves all too thin. It would do none of them any good to wring their hands together and wait, when it was much more productive to have one of them tend to him at a time between the chirurgeons coming in to administer medications and check his bandages.

Aymeric stepped out to return to the spare office— “just the next door down, should you need me,” he made a point to reassure them all. Changing of the guard, and all that. Edmont knew it well, as did his sons, and thus promised to notify him if aught changed before it was his turn to take watch within the next few bells. 

“Be sure to get some rest, lad.” Edmont called out, catching the Lord Commander at the door.

Aymeric offered him a wincing smile on his way out. “...I will. As much as one can, given the circumstances.”

The rasp of Sage’s breathing sounded loud in the somber quiet of the room. Emmanellain had taken his respite in a chair in the corner of the room, the sleepless night prior at last having caught up with him. Artoirel, sat in another stool beside his father, looked to be stubbornly clinging to alertness, eyes not leaving the rise and fall of Sage’s chest. Edmont could hardly begrudge him not retiring for the night to at least try to get some sleep; none of them were going to truly rest until they could at least speak with Sage. Having him awake would be a greater reassurance than anything else, anything that the chirurgeons could say to them, even if, by all logical standpoints, they knew that he was stable.

Tataru had joined them as soon as she could, though her shift at the Forgotten Knight had been particularly grueling for the volume of people that had been in desperate need of something to drink to cope while waiting out the battle, and then in celebration of their victory. She’d looked infinitely more wrung out than most of them, though stubbornly remained for want of being close to Sage. Alphinaud, similarly, had managed to fall into an uneasy rest in a chair off to the corner at some point, though between Sage and Estinien, had refused to leave the chirurgeon’s ward for more than what was absolutely necessary. Aymeric had taken the time to notify the other Scions via linkpearl of what had transpired, but otherwise they were as glued to Sage’s room as the others, wondering at how best to watch over him and what could be done.

But Artoirel, Aymeric, and Edmont were all old hat at taking watch in shifts, in the turning over of the guard. Edmont insisted on taking first watch, citing his newfound availability that came with retirement, and that both of his sons had other duties to attend to, even if they would not rest. Though they had been reluctant to acquiesce, they inevitably conceded that his argument had merit, and left to give the room more space. Guard rotations were a familiar sort of routine, however, and the three of them had managed to fall into a rhythmic cycle between themselves to ensure both that Aymeric was able to tend to his myriad duties along with checking in on the other wounded, and to more or less force each of them to take the time to step out to stretch their legs, to have something to drink, something to take care of themselves while they waited over Sage. 

He needed rest, needed time to heal and people who cared enough about giving him that time to ensure that he actually got it.

What he got was one of his friends in the Scions awaiting permission to enter Sage’s room in the chirurgeon’s ward, nervously thumbing at a letter written for him, judging by what Aymeric had told them when he slipped back through the door unexpectedly, well before it was his turn to take watch again. 

To anyone who did not know them, it should have been no concern of Edmonts, nor any of his children, adopted or no, what missives Sage might or might not have awaiting him. Had any of them loved Sage any less than family, it would have been just that, and the message would have been left without preamble for whenever he was well enough to be the Warrior of Light again.

They all loved him immeasurably, however, and thus closed ranks with silent, unanimous agreement that Sage needed time.

“I am certain that if we but explain that he is indisposed due to injury, they will be satisfied,” Aymeric spoke up again in the ensuing, incredulous silence, attempting to be the voice of reason, as he always did. “Nevertheless, I would speak with them in the hall, rather than Sage’s room. His rest need not be disturbed.”

Another thing they all agreed upon. The Lord Commander stepped outside of the room, and the guard changed back over to Edmont for his absence; though it had been many years since he had last been able to fight afield, a knight was ever a knight, and Edmont kept track of their rotation with that same sharp focus he had in younger years.

That did not preclude him from listening in, however. As much as the closed door would permit, at least.

Discussion seemed amenable, at first: though it was little more than muffled conversation, though the tone of it grew tense, the volume raised ever so slightly before the clear words of, “You will keep your voice down.” came through the door as Edmont approached it.

The guard changed again, as Edmont stepped outside to see who would want to debate Sage needing rest.

“I don’t mean to raise my voice,” The man conceded, though he had darted his bright eye toward Edmont when he stepped out into the hall. “Truly. I apologize. If it could wait, I wouldn’t even be here— we just received word on Sage’s injuries.”

“If it absolutely cannot wait, I would suggest you find someone else suited for the task—”

“It’s not a task. Not yet, anyroad.” The man’s uncovered eye hardened as steel, his mouth pullin back in a grimace. “I can say little more than that out here, I’m afraid. What’s that saying— discretion being the better part of valor, and all that?”

“Master Thancred, if you would prefer to speak plainly, we may do so inside— though I insist you keep your voice down. Sage has not yet awoken.”

With a nod from the Scion, Edmont reluctantly opened the door again and ushered both men back inside. Tataru and Alphinaud looked up at the additional person, eyes widening in alarm. Leaving them to rise and greet the newcomer, Edmont moved back to Sage’s bedside.

It was Tataru that broke the silence to greet him, her arms gesturing in frenetic sweeps as she bounced on the balls of her feet, fretting. She seemed to struggle to contain herself, but managed to do so with a firm stomp of her foot and a deep breath before she attempted to speak. 

“Thancred! Did you not receive our message? I spoke with Y’Shtola, but—”

“We did.” He reassured her, hands motioning in a calming gesture to encourage her to be still. “But…”

His eye drifted over to where Sage rested, and Edmont swore he could see the moment the words died on his tongue.

“Though it had been hard to believe when you told us, I can see your report was far from exaggerated.” Thancred said quietly. “He’s certainly seen better days.”

“Now that you have ascertained his condition for yourself, I presume you mean that you intend to bear a message to the Scions on Sage’s behalf, given the extent of his grievous wounds.” Edmont spoke up before the man could so much as utter another word.

To his credit, the man looked genuinely remorseful that he’d been sent on the errand at all, wincing at the borderline accusatory tone the retired Count had taken with him.

“I don’t want to be here like this, either, to be clear.” Said the man, and the hand not still holding the letter ran through his ashen hair. The one eye not obscured by a bandana glanced away. “He’s clearly in a bad way. I’d much rather be here just to support him as his friend, rather than a runner for urgent news. But we received word that—”

A sharp crack of Edmont’s cane knocking against the floor startled even him, but he made a point not to show it. Instead, he let his anger and indignation on Sage’s behalf boil over, just a little, just enough for it to show. Incapacitated as he was, Sage could not fight for himself— and even if he was, all present knew that he would follow orders without complaint, even wounded as he was.

The outburst rang in his ears, all the more in the silence that ensued. All eyes were on him. In any other circumstance, he might have been more comfortable, might have been able to at least feign an air of political neutrality and good cheer, in particular for well meaning allies that were naught but the messenger.

But this was his son. And if the realm was not going to stop long enough for him to recover from near death, someone had to speak up on his behalf and say, “Sort it out without him just this once.”

Edmont intended to be calm, cool, and collected, as he always had been when leading his house through the ever shifting landscape that was Ishgardian politics. Perhaps if he had not already passed the mantle on to Artoirel, he may yet have that composure. As it stood, retirement had made him more of a father than he had ever been permitted to be for his duties— to Ishgard and then later to his family in the wake of his infidelity...and grief made him all the more protective of what sons he had not lost. 

“Master Thancred,” Aymeric spoke up from further away from Sage’s bedside. When the Scion turned to address him, he seemed almost reluctant to do so. “If I may be frank, what is so urgent that the Alliance must have Sage available at this moment, present circumstances considering?”

“Imperial and Ixali movement both, I’m afraid.” Thancred said quietly. “Right now, we’ve adopted a ‘wait and see’ approach with the latter to avoid antagonizing them into potentially summoning a primal, but then that still leaves the Empire—”

“And this has to involve Sage, when he has yet to even regain consciousness, does it?” Edmont asked in a low, gruff snarl. “When his wounds have not even had a chance to mend?”

“At the moment? No,” Thancred conceded almost immediately, hands held out in a placating gesture. He looked like a man attempting to negotiate his way out of being a lion’s next meal, metaphorically speaking. 

At least he was aware of how thin the ice was beneath his feet, Edmont thought darkly. 

After a moment, Thancred tried again, “I only wanted to let him know to stand ready in the event—”

“You did not answer my question.”

The rogue took a moment to swallow, eye searching the retired Count’s face. Edmont met his gaze with an even but heated stare. After a tense moment, Thancred allowed himself the span of a careful breath to consider his words.

“I will be blunt: while we have other Echo bearers in the wings that might assist in handling Garuda, Sage has usually led the van against primal threats, and our numbers aren’t what they were before the bloody banquet.”

“And that means that it must needs be Sage? No one else can rise to the occasion?” Edmont pressed in all ways but physical.

“We don’t have anyone near his caliber.” Thancred attempted to reason, though even he seemed to flounder on it the longer he looked on at Sage, lying all but broken in his bed. “I’m hoping it doesn’t have to come to that at all—”

“If you start spreading your hopes out more evenly, then they will not all inevitably fall on Sage’s shoulders.” Edmont snarled, and turned his body to gesture with emphasis at his sleeping son. “Look at him, and tell yourself he is ready to handle such a task.”

Thancred had, to be fair, been doing little else but looking. Sage was reluctant to speak on how close he was with those Scions outside of Alphinaud and Tataru, though Edmont had to imagine there was at least enough camaraderie between them that the rogue could at least understand the position Sage was in and want to protect him as much as he could. Edmont had to believe that. Little else made sense, and it was the least that Sage deserved.

“Though I only have the one, my eye does work.” Thancred replied in a low, sarcastic drawl. 

“Then how could you expect him to do aught but convalesce in his condition?!” Edmont demanded.

He barely recognized his own voice for how anger had warped it. When he realized his hands were shaking in rage, he made a fist with his empty hand and tightened his hold on his cane hard enough the leather of his gloves creaked in protest. It was a struggle to recall the last time he felt this sort of anger before, burning in the pit of his gut, clawing at his ribcage, demanding to be let out—

A tentative weight laid itself heavily atop his clenched hand, still gripping his cane. His head snapped down, shocked to see that it was Sage reaching out to him, weakly hanging onto his hand. With a pained noise in the back of his throat, the Bard’s head lolled toward Edmont, and he cracked his eyes open, just barely. His lips parted on a shuddering breath, and in the quietest, most lost voice Edmont had ever heard from Sage, he croaked only one word.

“Da…?”

As quickly as the anger had engulfed his chest, its fires were doused, and he was gently shushing the beleaguered and battered man.

“All is well, Sage. Rest. We are here for you.” He murmured in the most soothing voice he could manage for how heavily it trembled.

“But...they need—”

To the horror of everyone in the room, Sage made an attempt to sit up, though he  barely got farther than managing to raise his head and shoulders off the bed some scant few ilms before he dropped back into the pillows with a strangled grunt of pain. Weakly, he writhed in agony, shifting ever so slightly from the pain, only further exacerbating his wounds in the process.

Edmont moved before anyone else had the chance, his cane clattering to the floor as his hands came up to usher Sage into stillness when he tried to struggle to get up again.

“Shh, shh, you need to rest, Sage.” He said, shaken to his core, and hoped it wasn’t obvious to his son how hard his hands were trembling as he moved the blanket to settle back over the Bard’s shoulders. “I promise you that your only obligation is to rest. You’ve done enough. More than enough. 'Tis our turn to care for you. Let us. Please." 

It took little coaxing for Sage to nod off again; between the myriad of medications and healing magic that had worn him down from the constant treatments and his own overwhelming exhaustion besides, he had barely opened those brightly gleaming eyes of his before they were drifting shut again. His head fell back once more, his horn and cheek sinking into the pillow. It was obvious in the way his pained expression went slack that his consciousness had fled him rapidly.

Even with how seriously he was wounded, Sage still wanted to fight. Still wanted to do what was right and protect those that were closest to him. Edmont grappled with the pride and worry that tangled in the back of his throat. His eyes faintly stung with the threat of tears, praying desperately to the Fury that there would come a time where the Warrior of Light was no longer needed. When he wasn’t quite sure he would be able to swallow down those tears, he took an extra moment to collect himself. Smoothing back Sage’s sweat slicked hair away from where it clung to his forehead, Edmont took a deep, shuddering breath as he bent to retrieve his cane, using the time it took to straighten again to steel himself before turning back to the group of them, all looking down at Sage’s fitfully unconscious form with varying degrees of horror and sorrow.

No one seemed to know what to say for a long moment. The air in the room was heavy with tension, thick with dread and the scent of sickness, antiseptic, and the copper scent of blood. The only sound that could be heard was Sage's faint, wheezing breaths, steady but shallow. Time seemed to hold its breath for how still everything had become. Even the gods themselves were reluctant to break this oppressive silence, it seemed; Edmont swore that the very wind blustering beyond the window had quieted in the wake of what had transpired.

“I do hope,” Aymeric spoke up in the lingering quiet. His voice was hesitant, as if he was even reluctant to breach the silence at all. "This suffices as evidence that he is not sufficiently well."

"More than. I'd thought so the moment I came in." Thancred replied in a tone that matched the Lord Commander's. His eye lowered in admonishment. “Admittedly...we hadn’t realized it was this bad. We never do. Sage is always so reserved and hates showing weakness. I don’t...I don’t think he’s ever come to any one of us with an injury that needed tending.”

Horrified realization dawned over Thancred’s already clouded expression. He bit the inside of his cheek, hands clenching into fists and flexing out as far as his fingers could stretch intermittently as if to work out anxious jitters that had suddenly overtaken him. When Edmont focused enough on them, he realized they were trembling, ever so slightly.

“I’m not sure he’s even ever trusted us enough to tell us when he’s vulnerable...and we never really asked.” 

“Sage is a private person,” Alphinaud stammered in an effort to comfort his fellow Scion, breaking the weighty silence that had again ensued, until then only punctuated by the Bard’s shuddered breathing. “Even with those he's close to, he tends to hide his wounds and weaknesses—”

“And we’ve never pushed.” Tataru spoke up sadly. She fiddled with her hands, her gaze locked on them as she did. “I think we were scared of them, too. I know I certainly was.”

"We should have done better by him. I'm not too proud to admit that." After another long moment of studying Sage's sleeping form, Thancred looked up at Edmont directly again. "...Thank you. For caring for him where we didn't."

"'Tis because of us that he is in the state he is now." Edmont softly replied with a shake of his head. "We have, all of us, asked too much of him. The thought that we will yet ask even more, even knowing the lengths he will go…"

Again, his grip tightened on his cane. No one dared to interrupt or attempt to console him with empty platitudes. There was no making this better, save for working toward building a realm where heroes like Sage had no call to action that they must needs answer. They had but one course, it seemed: to find a better path.

For those they had lost. For those they could yet save. And that included Sage.

“I’ll route these concerns elsewhere.” Thancred said after a long, uncomfortable pause. “I can do little with regard to primals, but the Adders are still monitoring the situation. I can keep an eye on the Imperials in the meantime, see what I can do to mitigate anything that might come up along the way. Give Sage time to rest.”

"You need not tackle either task alone, Master Thancred." Aymeric said, tone more firm and formal and much more like himself again. "As Lord Speaker and Ishgard's elected representative in the Eorzean Alliance, 'tis the least I can do to coordinate surveillance of Garlemald— and your own tutelage in the known ways of primals may also yet be put to use. There are other Echo bearers, yes?"

"Plenty. Many within the ranks of each city-state's military, even." Alphinaud supplied, and Edmont could see the gears whirring to life in the boy's mind. "We must needs confer with the Alliance regardless for what should be done with the Imperial activity— surely they could also put the call out for those able bodied Echo bearers to stand ready for the impending threat of a primal?"

Aymeric gave a single, enthused nod of encouragement. "I can arrange a conference anon. I would need but confer with my counterpart in the House of Commons first. We will find a solution, Master Thancred."

"It'll keep Sage safe and resting, at least." Thancred said, and some exhausted relief tinged his words. "Would that we had done better by him sooner."

"The best time to have done so would have been from the very beginning. But the next best time to start would be now. For all of us." Aymeric reassured. "Now then,” he turned to face the retired count. “Pray, do forgive me Lord Edmont, but if I might forfeit my shift at the watch for the moment—?"

"Take as long as you need. Artoirel and I have things well in hand.” Edmont reassured, gently shooing them toward the door. “Master Thancred, was it? ...I was unduly harsh toward you. Forgive me, you deserved more respect than that.”

“You were protecting Sage. You have nothing to be sorry for.” Thancred reassured him, and the smile he gave felt more genuine, more relieved than the faint, wincing things he had barely been able to muster before. “I should thank you. It was much needed. You lot have given me much to think on.”

Alphinaud, Aymeric, and Thancred all left without delay, quietly but excitedly chattering as they did. The trio were scarcely out the door before Tataru let out a quiet gasp.

“I should contact the Scions, let them know what the plan is!” She said more than half to herself, fretting and bouncing on the balls of her feet again. “I can see if there’s anything we can do to coordinate our people— oh, and maybe I can ask Arenvald if he’s up for keeping an eye on the Ixal, just in case—!”

Edmont could not have gotten a word in edgewise if he had remotely attempted it, but he couldn’t help smiling with pride as she, too, rushed out the door in an enthused bid to help Sage rest and recover.

And then it was only him, standing in the room, silence settling in save for the Sage’s shallow breathing. He took the time to pull the chair he had been using back closer toward the bed. Ignoring the creaking pop of his bad knee, he eased himself into the chair and took up his watch again. Artoirel would be back within the bell, perhaps he might get a nap in before his next shift.

He leaned back into the chair until the knot of tension in his back popped with release. Straightening back up, he relaxed into his seat with a heavy sigh and contemplated Sage’s sleeping face again. Though the Bard was still clearly in pain, the pinch in his expression had eased, and the rise and fall of his chest came more smoothly than before, less shuddering and painful. The sight eased some of Edmont’s worry.

“I hope you know just how loved you are, my boy. By so, so many people.” Edmont said softly, fearful of waking him, and picked up the cloth at his bedside to begin blotting away the sweat once more, all the while praying to the Fury that all of this would be enough. 

[boogiewrites]

No. 9: The Body CH. 6

Characters: Diego Hargreeves & OFC Eve Corpuz

Summary:  Eve explores the limits of her power. Diego is still stalking her and finds out more about her. Eve meets Klaus.

Warnings/Tags: Klaus. Talk of past trauma and phobias. Brief mentions of illness, injury and death. 

Click on my icon then go to my Mobile Masterlist in my bio for my other works and chapters. Please like, comment and reblog if you enjoyed it! It helps out us writers A LOT! If you’d like added to the tags, just let me know. This is a multi-chapter fic.

Eve had begun to notice changes in her shape from the training. Work wasn’t as strenuous and honestly, her ass was looking fantastic. Her body was adapting but she felt she wasn’t exercising her mind enough. Out of the two, trying to use her mind and powers was harder to find time for since it was so draining. Using them at work in small increments to help things along was now manageable, but there were no visible results from it. Nothing she could look at, try to heal, and then see healed. So that’s where she started.

Eve wasn’t a stranger to doing illegal things. If you took a look at her juvenile record that would be clear. What she was doing wasn’t exactly illegal but it was certainly breaking some rules. She was finding it surprising how much she could get away with by simply wearing her white coat with her ID and having a determined look on her face. People held doors open for her that she didn’t have clearance for, add carrying a clipboard around on top of that and she could’ve gotten into just about anywhere it seemed. She was starting to understand how Diego was so good at it, and more interestingly understanding why he did it. That little flush of her cheeks and rush of misbehaving came back to her, something she’d not felt in over a decade, fueled her powers, and gave her a little oomph to work with.

She started small, visited patients being held that was out of the ER after surgery, vehicle accidents, and the like, plenty of small cuts and scrapes that no one would notice were gone. She’d look in and find someone resting and alone, not hard to do most nights. She’d find some road rash, a smaller gash, something not too intricate. At first, she thought she needed to put her hands on the person to heal and woke up a few very understandably startled people. But after a few successful attempts, she started to push herself more. By focusing she began to be able to heal cuts over and no scar would be left in its place. Whoever she did this to, she would check on their file until they were discharged, making sure she wasn’t hurting them or causing bad side effects. So far they’d all made a full recovery with no complications. This was extremely promising and made Eve’s confidence grow and therefore emboldened her to push herself.

She’d worn herself ragged running experiments on what she could or couldn’t do. She had a journal she kept hidden that she kept her results in. So far, she’d been able to find some limitations and strengths. No matter how hard she tried, she was no match for cancer. She could help with someone’s side effects momentarily but be unable to cure it. The same could be said for viral and bacterial instances. Once something had infiltrated and infested a body, she could no longer help it. She could only manipulate the body itself. Her hopes of being able to be the cure for cancer, which she would admit was a bit egotistical, were broken after seeing many fade away after brief respites she’d give them from nausea or pain. It was nice to be able to help certainly but having to see suffering and not be able to fix it was a heavy burden she was having to learn to deal with.

It was never easy to lose someone. It was something she wouldn’t say you got used to exactly, but it was something you could come to understand with time. Or at least be able to come to terms with. Since Eve was an emotional person deep down, and the healing she’d been trying to do to help herself manage that was opening up old wounds and was making her feel raw. Every life that slipped through her fingers would hit her harder than it had months prior. Which is what led her to be so reckless, she guesses. So she tried to bring someone back from the dead.

It wasn’t uncommon sadly, for a child brought in after catching a stray bullet from a hit and run or gang violence. It felt so unfair, and the first time she tried the child was rolled in, DOA, her heart poured out for them. She gave it her all, paddles, compressions and when nothing moved the vitals she had a last-ditch effort. A tear-filled pressing of her hands to the chest of the child, nurses looked on with heartbroken eyes for the doctor as she had a rare moment of breaking on the job. For a fleeting moment, a blip on the monitor later ruled out to a technical glitch, but Eve just couldn’t muster it. She passed out onto the bloody floor from her attempts and was sent home.

She’d had mixed feelings about it. Had she almost done it? Could she get stronger? Or had she found a line that she couldn’t cross? The page entry for her recorded attempts had teardrops running her ink on that entry. She felt defeated and decided to take a break.

--------------------------

Diego watches Eve without her knowing, as he sometimes still does. He trusts her, but a part of him always wants to be sure. She’s in an unusual neighborhood, going into an apartment building he doesn’t know. He decided to wait on her to appear again instead of finding her inside. He didn’t have to wait much more than an hour before she appeared again, seeming uneasy as she stepped back into the now dark streets.

He followed behind, spilling out of an alleyway after she passed and started the task of getting closer to her. When he finally got close enough to reach out and speak he was met swiftly with a switchblade and a series of moves he’d taught her.

“Woah! Hey! It’s me!” He says defensively, only a minor rise in key from surprise as he jumped back.

“Jesus fucking CHRIST Diego!” She says with an expression he’s never seen before.

“Hey! Hey! I didn’t know you’d be so jumpy!” He keeps his hands up between them as she huffs out of her nose like a bull, the late winter night air just still barely showing her breath.

“I’m a woman. Alone. At night on the street, dude!” She states obviously and biting as she puts her blade away. “Of COURSE I’m jumpy!” She whispers angrily.

“Look, there are people around and the streetlights are on... I didn’t know I’d scare you.” He explains with hands now on her shoulders. “You okay? You’ve got that wild look in your eyes.”

“I’m just…” she sighs and shakes her head. “I’m fine. I just… Wanna get home.”

“Looks like we need to train on lying.” He smirks.

She stares at him for a moment with pursed lips then shrugs and turns back in the direction she was going.

“Mind if I walk with you?”

“No, I'd like that actually.” She murmurs.

“What are you doing in this part of town?”

“Do you follow me everywhere?”

“No…” he answers defensively playful. “I was around and saw you. Got curious.”

“You can’t send a text like a normal person?”

“Not my style.”

“Difficult is your style.”

“Hey, slow down there with the rapid-fire insults here. Did I do something?”

“Besides stalk me? No.”

“Then why are you being such a-“ he stops as she shoots her eyes his way. “Difficult person?” He tries to cover smoothly.

Once again she stares as if contemplating something. “If I tell you will you stop asking?”

“Sorry, no promises. Don’t think I missed where you didn’t answer why you’re here.”

“Fine.” She begins to walk again. “I’m here apartment hunting. Not so great street, but that apartment is really nice. And I have a fear… a phobia that you’re gonna laugh at me for so I don’t wanna tell you.”

“When have I ever laughed at you?”

She raises her brows obviously at him.

“Okay, I won’t now.” he emphasizes.

“I don’t believe you for some reason.”

“I swear! I won’t.”

“Due to… past trauma, I am afraid of the dark. And I don’t know this part of town and it makes me nervous. I’d catch a cab but I want to learn the subways so I need to walk it.”

He stays quiet for a moment. “Afraid of the dark?”

“Yes, my mom would lock me in the closet and read scripture and scare me and shit. Okay? And it traumatized me so when it’s dark and I’m overstimulated I get really... panicky.” She explains defensively.

“Don’t have to fight me over it, it’s fine. I...get it.”

“Don’t tell me you were locked in a closet too?”

“No, but he did do it to my brother. And it was a mausoleum and not a closet.”

“Fuck.” she exhales.

“Yeah. Pretty fucked up.”

“The more we learn about each other the more often we say that.”

“Get used to it.” He huffs out a laugh. They walk for a moment in comfortable silence while Eve tried to let her defenses down against him. “You know you could’ve just... asked me to come with you ya know? I am pretty handy when it comes to navigating the city. And being a bodyguard.”

“It’s not something I’m proud of.” She shakes her head. “Yeah, Diego? Hey, could you babysit me because I’m a child who’s afraid of the dark and not a grown-ass woman who can handle her own shit?”

“Well, it’s better than you almost stabbing me!”

“And whose fault was that?”

“...your moms if you want to get really technical about it.”

She lets out a weak laugh and he feels accomplished. ”Don’t forget your dad too”

“Oh yeah fuck both of them.” He says eagerly in agreement. They share a smile and he stays close to her side. “Why are you looking for an apartment?” He breaks the silence.

“Some asshole keeps breaking into mine.”

“Seriously.” He grins and smacks her arm.

“Well I’m on salary now and it’s good money so I can afford a better place.”

“Oh. I kinda like your place.”

“I don’t hate it but it’d be nice to have some more room. An office, a view.” They stand at a corner to wait for a light change. “I’d like a place with more privacy. Maybe a doorman for safety?”

“And that apartment had all that?” He motions back with his thumb.

“Yeah, it was stupid nice for the area. I was surprised it wasn’t more-“ both their heads snap to the car that passed far too fast and close, and luckily it wasn’t them, but a bike messenger up ahead that going to be the target.

They see it happen so fast, and they’re both instinctually moving towards the man that’s now on the ground and trying not to scream, holding his leg.

They were the only ones close out of the street and rush to help.

“Ah fuck, don’t call the ambulance I dont have insurance okay?”

“Well, you’re not walking anywhere like that.” Diego states obviously.

“Lucky for you I’m a Doctor. Let me see. Can you move it?” She moves his sock down to quickly see bone through skin. “Ah man, I’m sorry to tell you this but it’s really...broken dude.” She looks at him with sympathetic eyes.

“Ah fuck.” They cry. “My boss is gonna fire me for sure now. I can’t afford to get this fixed… I can’t take time off…” they begin to hiccup and tears come quickly.

Eve stares at the trauma site and furrows her brow in thought. “Maybe I can…” she whispers.

“Doc...?” she hears Diego’s voice, a warning behind her.

“I’m gonna try. I have to.” She says with wide eyes that convince him on impact. She turns back and puts her hands on the busted ankle, “Stay still if you can.” She mutters before going into her focused state.

“What are you? Listen lady I appreciate you stopping but I don’t think praying over it is gonna work.” They offer but their voice slows as they gradually feel the pain disappear. “What the…” they turn their ankle in a circle and their jaw drops. “HOW DID? WHAT DID?”

Eve shares a very excited glance with Diego before he yanks her up. “We’ve gotta get out of here.”

“Wait no! Don’t go!” A now on their feet and the healed biker was calling out as they both ran down the street into the subway below.

She felt alive. Exhilarated. A smile on her face and hand in hand with Diego as they bobbed and swerved through the crowd.

“Did you SEE?” She calls out as they make it sliding just in time into the subway car.

“YES! You didn’t tell me you’d gotten so good!”

“I’ve been practicing!” She says out of breath and glowing from a sheen of sweat that she’d developed in the rush.

“I’d say so! You just...POOF!”

“I’ll have to show you my notes.”

“Notes?”

“I’ve been keeping track of all my attempts. Like a scientific study. Well… sort of…” she shrugs and wipes her hair back.

“You would find a way to make this nerdy.” He laughs.

“Scientific method is not nerdy!”

He laughs out loud. “That’s the nerdiest thing you’ve ever said!”

“That was awesome though right?”

“Yeah, it was risky but...awesome.” He nods in agreement as they both calm back down and move into whispers of her trial and error.

——————————-

“You just have to remember to be defensive and not just offensive.”

“You know I don’t give a shit about sports Diego.” Eve laughs as she pulls her gym bag over her shoulder.

“I’m serious! You'll get-" he insists with a whine.

"You’ll get yourself hurt when shit gets real.” She says with him and rolls her eyes. “I know! Okay?” She says with a sassy hand motioned his way. “I’ll work on it. Like I always do. I’ve got a lot on my plate right now, cut me some slack.” She groans as he walks her to the front of the gym to leave.

They’re met with a thin and friendly-looking guy their age who she thought looked familiar. Diego’s body language automatically tenses.

“Oh hello there you.” Klaus coos at Eve whose bright friendly eyes don’t match Diego’s already annoyed ones at his appearance. “I didn’t know my brother would be busy with a beautiful woman tonight, my apologies.” He sweeps his hands and takes her's to kiss the back of it.

“Hi.” She stutters with surprise. “I was just leaving. Had a training session. Works got weird hours so your brother is nice enough to see me at night.”

“Oh, I’m sure he’d see a lovely thing like you anytime you wanted.”

“Let her go, Klaus.”

“What is your name before our paths separate and never meet again. I’d never forgive myself for not asking.”

“It’s Eve.” She laughs. “You’re much nicer than Diego. Do you know how to fight too? Maybe you could train me since he’s such an asshole.” She motions to Diego and Klaus lets out an amused sound.

“Alas I’m fairly useless in such things but I make up for it in other ways.” He winks.

“Okay! GOODNIGHT EVE.” Diego says politely pushing her out the door. “Sorry about Klaus He's…an idiot.”

“No apologies he's rather charming.” She teases him more and waves goodbye as she exits into her cab.

“What the fuck was that?” Diego shoves his lanky brother.

“Eve hmmm? A sexy name for a sexy little-“

“Stop it.” Diego groans.

“That’s her isn’t it?” Klaus smirks and begins to float about as Diego closes up.

“Her who?”

“Your mystery doctor.”

Diego doesn’t answer hoping naively that Klaus would stop.

“Oh come on, I’m your bro, your bud. Your pal. You can tell me.” He insists with outstretched arms.

“Yeah. I’m training her.”

“She seems like she’d be the one training you if you catch my drift.”

“It’s not like that.”

“That smile you had on your face before you realized I was watching would say otherwise.” He lilts. “You’re a terrible liar Diego just don’t try.”

“I’m a great liar!” He barks back.

“You’re shit and you should just be honest with me, I AM the psychic after all.”

“You’re not psychic you see the dead and-“

“And what is the difference?!” Klaus flops just hands at his side and follows his brother upstairs.

Diego continues as if he said nothing. “You’d have to be sober to do that so so I’m not gonna hold my breath on that.”

“I actually have been. Not that you supportive lot would notice.” He prances into the apartment behind a grunting Diego. “Because your little girlfriend is causing quite the ruckus amongst the city’s dead.”

“What?” Diego asks with a raised brow.

“She didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

“She almost brought one back.”

“She did…” he seems deep in contemplation for a moment. “Wait so you HAVE been sober?” Diego’s eyes turn soft and Klaus groans as he’s quickly approached and hugged.

“You are missing the point here Diego dear…”

“I’m proud of you.” He says with emotion in his voice and Klaus manages a heavy sigh and a pat to his back.

“Stop it now before I have feelings…” he pats him and pushes him away. “What do we know about this Eve? She’s messing with the balance, she’s a powerful little thing. And gorgeous I might add, I’d be keeping her to myself too. Unless she was into being shared…”

“I don’t think she is.” Diego falls back into his monotone answering after a brief glimmer of earnest emotion.

“Different strokes, different folks.” Klaus shrugs. “So is that ass as breathtaking as it looked in those leggings or-?”

“KLAUS!”

“What? I’m just a red-blooded American male, I see a nice ass, I admire it.”

“I wouldn’t KNOW.” He answers from behind the doorway of his bedroom, door left open. “But I’d have to say yes.” He adds quickly.

“Ahhhh! There he is.” Klaus applauds his brother's cheeky smile. “Now that you’re not in a prudish mood, I actually do want to know about her. Details, man! Out with it! What’s my little private dick figured out on our newest sibling?”

“Ew don’t say that.”

“I knew you wanted to fuck her.” Klaus smirks.

“Jesus Klaus!” Diego groans.

“Not that it’s stopped any of us before, cough Luther, cough.”

“Hey, we’re not biological!”

“Defending Luther now? Number one? Daddy’s goodest boy? Diego’s sworn nemesis?”

“EW! No! I’m just… saying. It’s a fact so...it’s...valid.”

“Good thing you’ve got your looks hun.” Klaus tsks.

“Do you wanna know about her or you wanna talk shit and get hit?”

“So hostile.” Klaus shakes his shoulders. “Go on you party pooper, tell me about our new super doctor.”

@s-h-e-w-r-i-t-e-s​ @jaegeeeeer​ @diegos-butt​ @anglovesthis

[impishnature]

Doctor’s Orders

AO3 Fandom: Star Trek (TOS) Rating: G

Summary: Bones is so adamant to look after everyone, he needs to be reminded sometimes to look after himself. A/N: Thanks Anon! Hurt/comfort is something I do love to write. This is a softer one than I’ve done before but I hope you like it! And I’m doing OK! Thank you! Much more with it now we don’t have to completely self-isolate and can at least go out for a self distancing walk! 

.

He was exhausted.

But rest was a luxury he couldn't afford.

Bones scrubbed at his eyes, making sure he was alone in his office before letting the tiredness roll off of him in waves. He sunk into his chair, the only respite he felt able to give himself in that moment. 

It had been a heavy week, one of the heaviest he'd had in a long time. The away team had encountered a venomous creature unlike anything he'd ever seen before and he'd been working tirelessly to keep them all in a stable condition and find an antivenom all at the same time. Which had meant sending more people to the surface of the planet they were currently orbiting and risking more lives, a sure fire way to make his stomach clench and his heart ache. 

His fingers clenched in his hair, his elbows propped up on the desk as he thought back over the week.

He was meant to help people, not send them willingly into danger.

But then again, not one person had argued with the idea. Their captain and their second in command had both been fighting for their lives through fevers and fits and all of them were ready and prepared to help however they could.

That didn't mean it hadn't hurt to make the hard decisions. To watch them come and go, not all of them making it back in one piece as they grabbed the precious materials he required. Each new injured crew member an additional weight on his heart as if he had bitten them himself and caused the damage.

But he'd done it, because he had to. Because it was the best chance they had. Because no matter what he had to get them back. 

He hated it still, hated that it left a sour taste in his mouth. To struggle with the decision as he usually did and have no Spock to goad him about doing the most logical thing when it came down to it.

He was missing the arguments, missing Kirk's rolled eyes and compromising demeanour for them both.

He hated seeing them so silent and still and non-responsive. 

It didn't suit them.

Especially their exuberant captain. 

But it just meant that he'd had to take up their mantles for a while, that was all. His job was to get them healthy and back to themselves again.

So that's what he'd done.

He'd pushed through every sleepless night, drank more coffee than would ever be healthy but as long as he didn't admit to himself he didn't have to admit it to anyone else, and eaten only when someone had shoved something into his hand.

Frankly, he could feel himself slipping past the point of no return. If he wasn't careful, the next time he stood up, he might just crumble to the floor all over again like his strings had been cut.

It had been worth it though.

His efforts hadn't all been for nothing. 

His shoulders relaxed as he scrubbed at his eyes. Kirk had finally opened his eyes yesterday morning, his eyes still glazed with fever and his smile wobbly with weariness but alert and awake more than Bones had dared to hope. It had been a rough seven days but they'd finally cracked it. Sure the recovery process would take time, but with Spock opening his eyes later that same day, he couldn't help but rejoice in the fact that he'd succeeded, that they were OK.

His shoulders tensed again, his mind wandering through strange routes, twisting him in circles and back in loops.

It didn't mean his job was over, far from it. After all, there were still others that had yet to wake, though their vitals were improving, and though Kirk and Spock had awoken, that didn't mean they were out of the woods yet.

If only he could get rid of this blasted headache and close his eyes for a few moments, he could go back to pretending that the world didn't feel like it was crumbling directly on his shoulders.

This was his job, he had to continue.

He had to make sure the people he'd put in danger were safe and sound before he could let himself sleep.

He trusted his team, of course he did, but with blame and guilt thick and heavy in his gut, he couldn't bring himself to give the task over to them.

Just a few more days. A few more days and he was sure that he'd be allowed to rest.

It sounded so tantalising. Sleep. Funny really, when before the others had woken up it had sounded repulsive.

He was sure he'd be haunted by their faces, by their feverish nightmares and twisting movements.

Now, he was sure that once he let his body relent, there'd be nothing but dark oblivion.

And didn't that sound like heaven, right about now?

The door to his office made a beep, jolting him from his zoned out thoughts. He sat himself up straight, cursing whoever was outside his door as he rubbed the sleep once more from his eyes and tried to neaten himself up ever so slightly. "Come in."

The face that greeted him was more unexpected than he cared to admit.

Then again, it was so predictable, he was almost ashamed at himself for not expecting it.

"The hell you doing out of bed?"

Kirk cocked a grin at him, leaning heavily against the door. Bones narrowed his eyes as he saw Spock behind him, propped up against one of the empty beds so that he had a view into the room, though it was definitely not the bed he was meant to be in.

"Both of you? I thought Spock at least had some sense to him." Kirk's grin widened as Bones stood up, trying to usher him out of the room without wobbling on his feet. 

Kirk however refused to budge.

"You know, I've heard there's a few crew members pushing themselves past their limits." 

Bones stared at him in disbelief, oblivious to the obvious in his mentally exhausted state. "Yes. I'm looking at them. Now-"

"And what would your orders be, Doctor?"

Bones glared at him suspiciously, Spock's half smile all the more worrying than Kirk's grin. "To get to bed. Doctor's orders." He made a shooing motion at both of them, hating how they looked at each other like they'd won a prize before turning back to him.

"Then I believe, Doctor-" God, Bones hated him. Hated how relieved he was for Spock to argue with him all over again. "That you should get yourself to bed."

"Excuse me?"

"Well as you just said, Doctor's orders. If a crew member is pushing themselves past their limits, they really should get to bed." Spock tapped the bed he was sat on. "Otherwise they might find themselves in the infirmary."

Bones' eye twitched. "I'm fine. It's you two that-"

"I've had a report of how hard you've been working." Kirk tried to stand up straight though the motion was rather lessened by the hand still clutching the door frame. "You need a break, Bones, otherwise you won't be able to look after anyone."

Bones' heart sank at the concern. He wasn't used to Kirk looking at him like that, nor Spock, more the other way around. He glanced around the other beds in the room to get away from the worried expression, the still silent crew members waiting for the treatment to take affect. What would he do if he couldn't help them? What happened when his body gave in and someone else took over? Would the guilt ever leave him for letting them get hurt and not being able to help?

"McCoy?" 

Bones sighed at Spock's words, wondering what else he was about to add. Funnily enough after everything, he wasn't actually ready for one of their arguments. "Yeah?"

"Thank you."

Bones' blinked, staring at him like he'd grown an extra head. "It's my job."

"Yes."

"You're obviously still sick."

"Perhaps." Spock shrugged. "But thank you none the less."

A hand clapped him on the shoulder. "From the sounds of it, you haven't only done your job. Everyone looked to you on what to do, while me and Spock were out of action. I'd say that's far from your job." The hand squeezed. "You did good, Bones, now it's time for you to let someone else take over for a little while."

Bones huffed, raising a tired eyebrow. "What, you? You're in no fit state to be commanding a ship yet, you can hardly stand."

"Look who's talking." Kirk gave him a mock challenging look, daring him to argue. "But no, I meant your team can take over now. You've done your bit- more than your bit- so now you need to take a break."

"Before you die on us."

"I'm not dying, you-" Bones' glared at Spock, his brain short-circuiting. 

"Considering there's no added insult there, I must say you are in dire need of a nap."

"Oh for crying out- Will you two get back to bed if I rest for a bit?"

"Yep." Kirk popped the 'p' like a small child, smiling at Bones' scowl.

"Fine. I guess if it's the only way for my patients to do as they're told, I'll have to."

"It is the most logical outcome."

"Shut up, Spock."

[anodyne-sunflower]

Moment to spare-TheseusxReader (Req.)

A/N: Requested by @ourbrokenwings Thanks for the Theseus request, in spite of your neutrality towards him lol 😂

MOOD MUSIC: Heeheehaheho by Mamamoo

***

Life was a never ending circle of work for a man like Theseus, and you had learned to respect his career path. You were proud of him, of course, but there were certain moments that reached out and made you realize there needed to be a little more time placed into the smaller things. Like say, a nice short break together, or even a simple split second to kiss your lover and tell him you couldn’t wait to go home for the day.

“Ah, Theseus-“ You held a finger up, attempting to gain his attention the moment he walked by the Auror offices. His head was settled down, eyes scanning the pages of a report that apparently held some fantastic information, because the man could barely tear his eyes away.

“Just a moment, my dear.” Theseus swept by you, softly reading aloud the details as he traversed the maze of the cubicles and people scattered around. You had to admire his skill of multitasking, but your focus was spent on racing after him, apologizing to others for your clumsy attempt to mimic his graceful movements.

“Theseus, wait.” He easily slipped through the doorway, still captivated by his work. You almost loathed him for being so tall and taking those long strides, knowing you would barely manage to catch up to him. Luckily for you, he finally stopped, shifting the file closed and glancing back over his shoulder the second he arrived at his personal office.

“Love, you look particularly flustered...” Charming as your tuckered out appearance was, he felt a sliver of sympathy for you. Of course, he was actually busy working, but there was always a spare wink of time he could lend to teasing you along. “Care for a rest?” He gestured inside his office, tilting his head to beckon you in with a small laugh. You were throwing him that irritated gaze he adored so much, the one that spelt his doom and yet he knew nothing would ever come of the silent threat.

“You’re impossible, Scamander.”

“Hm. So I’ve heard.” He gently placed a hand on your lower back, shoving you inside and closing his door behind you both. He didn’t waste time to take a seat at his desk, sighing happily at the brief relaxation he felt. Today seemed an endless loop of files and detainments, but he was grateful all the work from the last few months was officially coming to an end. “Any good news from Travers?”

You could’ve scoffed a thousand times over. “When is he ever spewing out good news?” That earned a chuckle from the Auror, his fingertips working at his temples in a lame attempt to relieve the headache he’d been having.

“One can hope.”

“Are you alright?” You laid down your paperwork atop his desk, moving around it so you could gain some advantage and aid him in his recovery. He brushed you off at first, not wanting you to worry or fuss over him. It wasn’t a rare occurrence, after all, and he was often in between cases so much that stress was a mere occupational hazard by this point.

“It’s just a headache, love. Nothing more.”

The nerve of him, always thinking he could play down his troubles just to placate you. “Nice try.” You stood in front of Theseus, your scowl only amusing him the deeper the annoyance behind it went. “Here. Let me.”

“Darling, it’s fine, really.” He wasn’t opposed to the comfort of your touch, but he truly didn’t enjoy causing you concern. “It’ll pass.”

“Alright, Scamander. You have two options, then. Let me help you, or have me be worried the entire day. Dealer’s choice.”

Theseus released a defeated sigh, holding his hands up in surrender towards you.

“Fair enough.”

The Auror could be such a stubborn man sometimes, but you supposed that was another reason he was able to charm you so easily. “Smart choice.” You moved closer to him, taking the lead and straddling his lap as you took a seat in his chair as well. The position was suggestive in nature, even if you were only taking his place and massaging the pulsing pains away from his head. However, Theseus decided it could be more than that, and the innocence of your help became corrupted under his now seductive gaze.

“Now,” He snaked his arms around your waist, looking up at your concentrated features adoringly while he pulled you closer. “Is this why you were truly chasing after me?”

You could feel the pressure of his hands splayed along your back, the warmth coming from them subduing you into a sweet sense of pleasure. How he so smoothly led you to these intimate affairs was beyond your grasp, but you were impressed by it. “Yes. I only wanted to get you alone and have my way with you in the confines of your office. Does that sound like me?” You lovingly swept your fingers along his forehead, rubbing gently and only taking a break when he swiftly leaned forward for a kiss. His lips brushed yours fondly, giving you just a taste of what this respite could offer.

“It does sound like you, love.” Theseus raised his brow at you, reminding you of the few times you both had abused his office hours for your own blissful gains.

“That was different!” You exclaimed, trying to move the conversation back to a subject that didn’t involve the Auror teasing you for the rest of your days.

“How so?” He swept one palm down, fingertips caressing lazy circles into the small of your lower back. There was a momentary pause between your words, the effects of his touch already taking hold of you. He absolutely thrived on those occasions, noting every fine detail of how you exhaled or shifted above him in your pursuit to prove he held no influence over you.

“Well, our intentions were pretty clear those other times, and now-“

“And now?” Theseus leaned closer, taking advantage of the proximity and bringing you into a short but fiery kiss that would leave you breathless for more.

“And now, I-“ Your lips were lured in by the heat of his own, eyes drifting shut for a good minute while he made his intentions perfectly clear for you.

“You are far too tempting when you’re aroused and speechless.” He mused, arm embracing you closer until you were flush against his body.

“That was unfair.” It came out needier than you anticipated, but how were you to remain at ease when he had just kissed you so passionately it left your entire body wanting. “You pretend to be too busy for me then trap me in your office to seduce me.”

“Come now, my intent wasn’t that malicious.” He laid his hand on your thigh, gradually leading it higher before it came to rest dangerously close to your center. “Besides, you followed me, remember?”

He wasn’t wrong there. Initially you had only wanted a moment with him to relax. Somewhere along your run from the offices to his, that idea changed into something more private. “That’s fair. Perhaps, next time we should simply come up with a word to alert the other.” It was meant as a joke, but the way he looked at you spoke volumes of his intrigue.

“Now there’s a resourceful idea.”

“So, what will it be then? Scamander?” You knew he had a fixation with the way you said his name. There was just something entwined in the syllables of it that riled the Auror up. It even worked now, a soft hum of approval coming from him as he kissed along your neck.

“Much as I like that, it’ll just make me think of you any time someone has the nerve to get my attention. I hardly need to be aroused in a meeting.”

You laughed at the image of that, knowing how irritated he’d get if he had to sit through one and endure it without you. “True. Alright, then...” Words slipped by your mind, each one being denied until you remembered what the Americans referred to their significant others as. It had been a while since you visited MACUSA, but you recalled overhearing the women there in their gossip. “How about Daddy?”

“Daddy, is it?” You could see the endearment amused him, possibly far greater than either of you expected it to. His eyebrows raised momentarily, lips pursed as he considered it carefully. However, Theseus didn’t shy away from the way it rolled off your tongue. In fact, he appeared to marinate on it, a slow grin stretching on his lips the more the word hung in the air. “Say it again.” He demanded, a provocative glint to his eyes. Testing just how far you’d go to please him.

“I-“ There was a bit of confidence bursting through before, but having him await such a request made you nervous. Theseus did enjoy toying with you every now and then, if only to watch you squirm and blush like a fool. The Auror was kind and romantic, but he was also arrogant if given the chance.

“Aw.” Theseus reached up, fingertips stroking the edge of your jaw with a playful smile. “Gone shy, have we?”

“No, I just-“

“Then say it.” He was provoking you on, gripping your chin steadily, and leading you closer to his lips.

“You like it, then?” You felt his breath across your pout, the sensation making you whimper gently in need of more.

“I’m warming up to it.”

***

Taglist: @brittanymcsharry @marvelous-revengers @jinx4karma @preppy-by-the-c @marsbars101 @ariminiria @jackdawsonsgrl @emily12x @november-ash @dasha-tardis @lunadiilios @tamanamohain @ghoulishbergara @blackrose-92 @siren-lamented-vampire @theonlyparadox @unexpectedlyromantic @newtstarmander @dreacantsleep

[persuadedproject-blog]

Chapter 7

    From their first quiet but traumatic run-in, Wentworth and Anne were perpetually in each other’s company. He and the Crofts were folded into all the Musgrove’s fraternizing, and became an expected part of the family dinners and outings. Since CJ recovered inconveniently fast, Anne had no more excuses to keep her reasonably away from the sociable scene. Whether or not the old feelings were to be revived remained to be shown; being around each other could not help but bring back memories of the old times. 

Wentworth’s natural disposition led him to talk at length with his new acquaintances, and to introduce them to his past. Since the year they almost got engaged was also the year he had officially joined the agency, he could not help but talk about that summer. He talked about it smoothly, like a well-rehearsed actor, without a single ‘um’ or  ‘like’ out of the word’s proper context. Although his story was flawless and seemingly carefree, his eyes never so much as wandered down to her end of the table. Anne knew that his mind at least had to be leaning her direction while he told his story. She listened and felt the same pain that must have brushed his own heart at the careful omissions and half-truths that allowed him to skate entirely around their relationship. They had no lasting conversations, and there was no meat to their words when they were forced to talk to each other for politeness’ sake. Cold, nervous smiles, and a quick,

    “How are you? It seems cooler today,” was as far as things got - never further than the weather. The only exception was at their first evening spent together, a game night at the Musgroves. While choosing teams for Catchphrase, Admiral Croft picked Anne with the comment,

    “You must know so many words, with all your reading! The first time I was at your father’s office, I don’t think you ever looked up from the paperwork on your desk. And the next time it was a book, poetry or something fancy like that.” He scooted over on the plump floral couch to make room for Anne, while Wentworth involuntarily asked,

    “Your father’s office?” With all the dignity she could muster, Anne replied,

    “Yes, my father’s office. I am his assistant.”

    “The best secretary in Washington, D.C.!” the admiral proclaimed. “She pretty much keeps the whole city afloat through her work.”

    “A big favor to society,” was Wentworth’s only comment before he started picking his team. Anne was grateful for the Admiral’s display of friendship (she did not think he had remembered her from his visits to the office), but she wished he had not brought up her being her father’s assistant. After all her lofty hopes, all of the plans that she had not given up for Cap, now she was a secretary. She could see how it looked, and a part of her longed to sit down with him and explain how the chips had fallen, but from his body language and her own reserve she could not see a realistic situation where that could happen. They had once meant so much in their words and to each other, and now - nothing. Before, at a dinner they would keep returning to each other, having an anchor of someone they trusted and were entirely comfortable with. Now, they somehow managed to always be on the opposite side of the room from each other. Far from being respites, their brief interactions now required recovery on Anne’s part. With the Crofts as the only exception, no other two hearts had ever been so open, so unified; none of the other couples came close to their similarity in taste and opinions, no persons so cherished. Now they were like total strangers. No, it was worse than that; now they could never get to know each other, not in a meaningful way. It was just as good as (or possibly more effective than) a formal estrangement.

   On one of their first dinner parties all together, much of Wentworth’s time talking was spent explaining basic things to the Musgroves, who had a general lack of knowledge about the real workings of Washington, D.C. To a Washington crowd, his story about being a diplomat without the legal ability to give any details would have brought on knowing nods and winks, but here it was accepted on face value (even by Mary, who was busy carefully avoiding the noodles, or anything they had touched). Once dinner had been cleared away from the wide table and replaced by dessert, the Musgrove girls pulled out the atlas, and had Wentworth show them all the places he had served across the world. The atlas had never moved from its display on the coffee table, but now there was an urgent need for it. Hazel and Louise, although educated, were pursuing a ‘ring by the spring’ mentality with greater zeal than an excellent GPA. Hazel had actually been going out with a Charles Hayter from Maryland, almost to the point of being seriously together. Anne was a little surprised to see how readily she listened to Wentworth’s bravado, how close she sat over his shoulder, with her own happy relationship taking a backseat. On the other hand, Cap was the sort of person that turned everyone into a bit of a flirt; everyone naturally wanted to please him, to be noticed by him, to have him think well of them. He had an unintentional pull on most people, one which was drawing in all of the Musgroves - not that he seemed to mind. Louise dusted off the atlas saying,

    “You told me the name of your first post was Aher - Azeb -”

    “Azerbaijan,” he said. Taking the atlas, he flipped through confidently until he found the correct entry. “That was a tiny office, really more like an apartment with lots of paperwork and no air conditioning.” After a pause for effect, he added, “And holes in the roof.” At the girl’s surprise, he explained, “The government bureaucrats sometimes entertain themselves by sending the young bucks fresh out of training (and full of plans to change the world) to their most remote, most monotonous offices in the world to push paper and suffer for about a year. I think I did more repair work trying to get us heat or cooling than actual work.” The admiral spoke up from his end of the table.

    “You all were lucky to have work fresh out of training. Most college students can’t say the same thing! And the climate of Azerbaijan is not so bad, from what my friends who have served on the Caspian Sea tell me. Nice people, too. You could’ve done worse.”

    “I knew I was lucky to be there,” he said seriously. “Those early experiences, and being immersed in a new culture - I would not trade them for a more glamorous first assignment. At the time, I desperately wanted to be out of the country, away from everything I knew. I needed to be doing something significant and meaningful.” With a rueful laugh, “Even if that meant tinkering with utilities for a year.”

    “I’m sure you wanted to be out of the country! What would you have done with yourself, with six months on a job hunt?” With a nudge for his wife, the admiral theorized, “If a man does not have a wife he wants to be out and away, doing significant work, I think.” Anne concentrated very hard on her slice of pecan pie. Louise teasingly questioned Wentworth, from whom her attention had not strayed.

    “You mean to say you weren’t disappointed, not even a little bit,  when you got there?”

    “Oh, I knew what I was in for when I packed my bags. Azerbaijan has been made a bit of a legend in the hiring process. It was kind of like taking an umbrella out that you know is old and full of holes. When you get rained on it’s not a surprise, it’s actually kind of funny. The embassy was in such a dry old building, I was the last to experience its wonders. One night an electrical fire started in our file room and burnt the whole building to the ground. It’s lucky I didn’t decide to sleep in the office that night, my eulogy might have been ‘Here lies Frederick Wentworth, who Served his Country for about Five Minutes’.” The Crofts laughed, since the story had been told to them many times, while the senior Musgroves and Anne shuddered quietly, and the girls made their horror known. Mrs. Musgrove, who was seated next to Anne, said,

    “Then I guess you went up to Munich. A certain Someone must have been watching out for us, putting you in that city. We will never forget what you did.” Her feelings made her speak softly, and unusual thing for the hardy woman. Between her quietness and his mind being a literal thousand miles away from Rich Musgrove, Wentworth waited for her to fill in the blanks. What service was she talking about?

    “My brother,” one of the girls whispered. “Mama is thinking about poor Richard.”

    “He was so much steadier, much better at keeping up with me when he was hanging around you. It would’ve been better for him if he had not let the connection fade away.”

    For a fraction of a second, a funny expression crossed Wentworth’s face. A gleam in his eye, a quirk at the corner of his mouth made Anne think that he had probably worked very hard to make sure his relationship with Mrs. Musgrove’s most beloved son had died out. Anyone but Anne would not have been able to detect it, much less interpret it. The amusement only lasted for a second, though - he quickly swallowed his smile, got up, and crouched next to Mrs. Musgrove’s chair. His back was to Anne, but he was just next to her. Placing a hand on the arm of the bereaved mother’s chair, he settled there for a while telling her about the genuinely best parts of her son. He spoke kindly, having a care for her poor parently feelings, trying to make her comfortable. He was actually right there - if they had been at a dinner party five years earlier, she might have reached out her rand, rested it gently on his back or shoulder as a, ‘Hey, friend. I’m here,’ gesture. But now she sat bolt upright, facing straight ahead, paying sudden attention to Charles. Or at least, her eyes were. Her ears were practically bent over to the right from straining. Although Anne’s agitation were shielded from him, we must give Wentworth a bit of credit for paying careful attention to Mrs. Musgrove’s sighing over her missing son, who nobody really cared for when they knew where he was. The admiral roamed the room, as if his seafaring self could not stand still. After circling the room once or twice, a quick shake of the head from Mrs. Cross made him come to a standstill. He was right in front of his brother-in-law when his march was suddenly halted, and said to him without the slightest idea he was interrupting,

    “If you had been around for one more week in Munich, you would have had to help the Griers family out of that tricky situation at the embassy. You probably would have had to sneak them out of the city, to an airport over the border, just to be safe.”

    This brought on an outcry from the admiral, who wanted to know just why Wentworth opposed the idea of being helpful. He defended himself by saying he would never willingly take ladies into his care, particularly in circumstances like that.

    “Not for a lack of care for the fair sex - it might actually be the last bit of chivalry I have left,” he tried to explain himself. “If I were to make a trip like that, it would be fast, with no stops, fueled on gas station food. I’ve traveled solo for so many years, I would have no idea how to begin making a woman comfortable in that situation, emotionally or otherwise. And making the embassy presentable for women who did not work there?” he waved his hands, “Impossible. At least, it was in the out-of-the-way places I started in. I would never have a lady staying in our wards, if I had anything to say about it. They were nothing more than hostiles.” In explaining himself, he had only dug a deeper pit (at least, it was a pit in the quicker minds at the table). The wrath of Sophie was brought upon him, in a way that a sister can be all at once wrathful, loving, and pointing out unsound reasoning.

    “Frederick Elias Wentworth! I can’t believe you. Mom and I raised you better than this! I have lived all over the world, in all kinds of houses, with varying degrees of safety, and I have never been more comfortable than in our shoddiest little house in the Philippines, even at the Kellynch House,” this with a nod to Anne. “I have lived on the road and out of boxes more than in a single place, and I am physically and mentally sound. Maybe better than the ‘ladies’ who have had the good luck to have men like you shielding them from anything mildly unpleasant.” Wentworth made the mistake of trying to argue back.

    “You knew what you signed up for when you married a young Lieutenant Croft.”

    “Plenty of women thrive in situations they did not sign up for,” Sophie retorted. “Also, I seem to remember you brought Maria Harville and her three children from Louisiana all the way down to Monterey. Where was this fine ‘chivalry’ then?”

    “All from my friendship with her husband. I would bring anything from the world’s end if Will Harville asked me to - it doesn’t mean I did not have reservations about it, but my feelings on the matter did not stop me from driving them and a U-Haul trailer on a very long stretch of highway.”

    “I just hate to hear you talk this way, assuming those feelings make you a better person - and that all females are these fine ladies, instead of rational minds inside female bodies. None of us - not one - wants to be in calm water all our days.”

    “Sophie,” the admiral tweaked her shoulder with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, “when he has a wife himself, he will change his tune.”

    “He’ll have to correct that attitude before he can get one worth having,” Sophie laughed. “But I do believe you’re right.”

    “We need to stop this right here!” Wentworth exclaimed. “Once married people decide to attack me with ‘You’ll think very differently when you are married’, all I can say back is ‘No, I won’t.’ Then it just goes back and forth until it devolves into Yo Mama jokes, which will not be pretty, since Sophie and I share a mother.” He stood up, and helped Mr. Musgrove clear and wash the dessert dishes (Mrs. Musgrove, being of old Southern tradition, could not be brought around to use paper plates, not even the pretty ones from Tuesday Morning).

    The evening ended with all of them trooping down to the park, where a brass band composed of mostly retirees was playing old-timey swing songs. One of the band members was a new friend of Anne’s, the butcher from the Piggly Wiggly. Since Mary had very specific requirements for the kind of meat she ingested, Anne and Mr. Miller had spent a few long spells together, to ensure a satisfactory experience for her. Both playing and turning pages proved to be too big of a challenge, and after seeing Anne sitting on the lawn, Mr. Miller called her over to help. A precarious lawn chair was pulled up for her, and she began to follow the music. While the couples in the park swayed back and forth, Anne watched Mr. Miller for a violent bob of the head, which was the indication she should flip the page. The band was playing for a happy, rowdy-with-joy kind of crowd that whooped and hollered at the end of each piece. Even Walter and CJ hopped and spun around in a bizarre imitation of dancing. Lightning bugs glowed with abandon, and the warm air encouraged the merry crowd to stay late. No one seemed happier than Wentworth, surrounded solely by girls who admired him and people who thought nothing but good of him. While the girls had to sit a while on the grass, shooing crickets away and waiting for their turn to dance, he never sat down. It became a little difficult to track the notes because her eyes misted over several times, obscuring the notes and words to the old love songs, which now seemed to mock her. She was just glad to be busy - all she asked in exchange was to be unobserved. He charmed and spun and swayed in a way that was familiar to Anne, but a million miles away from how she was feeling. She found him looking over his partner’s shoulder at her once, probably trying to find the old structure amongst the pale ruins. Later, she knew he must have asked about her, because she hear Louise answer a little too loudly,

    “Anne, dance? Never, I think she stopped dancing in elementary school, and gave it up for books. She always finds something to help the musicians, or picking the playlist. She is really good with music, I don’t think she ever gets tired of thinking it through for us.”

    Before they parted, he did talk to Anne once. During the short intermission she had gone back to their picnic blanket to check on CJ’s shoulder. When she got back to Mr. Miller and his french horn, Cap was seated next to the old timer, making a new friend and asking about song requests. Seeing her, he stood up in the middle of the conversation.

    “I’m sorry, this is your seat.”

     “No, you don’t need to rush - take your time -” But none of her sputterings could convince him to sit back down. While the band struck back up (playing As Time Goes By for yet another dose of cruel irony), the Musgrove and Croft families retreated. Mary had begun to worry about the effects of all the mosquito bites she was acquiring, and the Musgroves had a big day planned. While her family walked back up the hill, Anne maintained her post, thinking that if this was to be the flavor of her and Wentworth’s interactions, silence would be better than this distant, dead politeness.

For the record, Azerbaijan is a real place worth Wikipedia-ing. As is Tuesday Morning. Thanks to my five readers for sticking around! 

Chapter 8: http://bit.ly/2vAaSdk

[divinationcentral]

Journal.

I have learned one thing in my life: that people will let you down. 

If you cannot learn to trust yourself, life will become very hard...

That includes trusting your own decisions good or bad; vice-versa: good & bad lol... 

We have to learn, in life, that mistakes are reversible. That bad plans can be turned into experiences that teach us what good or better plans are, and what they look like as they reflect in our lives. 

We don’t just give up because we want to, despite how bad we want to. 

Perseverance is an art that has not yet matured to its full potential within me...I find myself defeating my own progress, almost daily, if I can be honest. 

My habits aren’t constructive. Nothing I do from the moment I get up from when I go to sleep is helpful: I don’t sleep on time, I don’t wake up and eat breakfast or at least have something to drink...Nope. I stay up past a time that I’m supposed to go to sleep, knowing full well that if I sleep, it’s going to provide me the adequate amount of sleep I need to wake up refreshed the next day to do things... 

I wake up literally minutes before I have to roll over onto my desk and work. 

Did I have time to use the restroom? Nope. Did I have time to kiss my pet Hermes (she’s a birb) in the morning? Nope. Did I make myself breakfast, go over my emails, or even CHECK my personal Email for any good news? 

NOPE. I woke up, essentially started my day late, woke up starving and feeling sick to my stomach, and just plunged into the day. 

Did I finish it? Yes. Was it to the best of my abilities? No. 

I am not, and I don’t let myself be at full capacity. 

So...in other words: I have not seen who I am when I am at full potential. 

Often I have thought I needed help. And I did. I remember being in a place in my life not too long ago where I needed a crisis intervention (back in September of 2019). 

I couldn’t eat properly, I wouldn’t even function through varying day-to-day tasks...Like sleeping, brushing my teeth, even showering was a huge monumental achievement (and it would hurt, my body was sensitive to everything, touch, rest, lack of sleep, exercise, food...). I couldn’t hold a job down, because my anxiety would cause me to break down on a daily basis, crying and freaking out about work loads or people making fun of me. 

I had traumatic experiences like losing my job and my boss threatening me. I injured my knee and had surgery and was jobless for 6 months before I could start the road to financial recovery... 

In that time, if you’re wondering, what did I do to remedy any of this? 

Well - I scrambled. A lot. I sold personal items to make up money I didn’t have for bills I needed to pay off. I had to find my own attorney to help me with a stupid worker’s compensation case I didn’t want to see through but now have to (yes, I am currently still in the thick of it, and that was back in 2019)…I jumped from customer service job to customer service job because I had to (and I still have a customer service role, that pays okay, but doesn’t exactly let me live the life I wanted), and I tried getting help for my mental instability by joining mental health programs and seeing various clinicians and therapists. 

I jumped from agency to agency before someone hired me. And before I could even consider a job, I had to go through educating myself and gaining a certificate to seem viable to any of these companies (that was while I was jobless and getting medical help for my knee injury). 

In that time I was still trying to heal my injury, and was going from medical facility to medical facility trying to get it to a point where I could have surgery (this took nine months of absolute torture dealing with the insurance company that wouldn’t take responsibility for my injury). 

I kept meeting really unstable people who pretended to be my friends to get what they wanted out of me (which was made only very clear when they decided I was all used up for what they needed me to do: which was be an emotional punching bag of sorts, but offer absolutely no commitment or support to me when I needed it - mind you: I was DISABLED physically, emotionally, AND even financially, and I STILL found it in me to help these people - I wasted my time, my money, my resources, my stability, and not at one point did they go: I am so much better off, this person actually needs me, not the other way around). 

Why did I entertain these people? 

I was so fucking lonely. I had lost all my friends that I had for years because they were terrible for me, and I terrible for them.  I spent the loneliest years of my life not talking to ANYBODY. Being in a laborious job that I felt so worthless doing for five/six years. I developed zero social skills, and I feared everybody. I got myself to a point after finishing all my therapy courses and surgery to jump back into that loop again, unfortunately. 

I also had a shit relationship with an ex who was emotionally and mentally manipulative. Lied all the time and was inconsistent with me, blamed me for being upset about very valid things. And I continued to have bosses who were either crazy, creepy, or just downright mean. 

In none of this tumultuous time did I EVER have a break from advocating for myself or did I ever get the goddamn sleep and rest that I needed (until I was basically blacking out and telling people to leave me alone for just a few moments of my day). It felt like someone was always tugging at me. Saying: Me, me, me - me next PLEASE. 

I had to keep saying: STOP. GO FUCK YOURSELF, only when I finally realized what they were doing to me. 

That isn’t life. 

Every time I sought a few weeks of a break...it was thwarted by the maniacal, cynical people in my life. Throwing their baggage and past experiences onto me. 

Either that or my family was creating new freaking life altering moments in them. 

It was terrible. I couldn’t find the goddamn respite I wanted. 

I never healed emotionally. 

Am I happy? No. No, I am still not happy. 

I got better at managing practically (like my money and being patient with my financial circumstances, and medical procedures, even dealing with unhealthy and unbalanced people, or bad coworkers, and bad freaking receptionists and doctors...see how its still me adapting to these things though?). 

But none of these skills are to the capacity I know I should be in them...I’m not mastering anything. I’m just flailing, trying to get by... 

Steps I’m making taking now to turn my life around? I don’t know. I asked myself seriously one day: What are you doing? Are you really even managing? You can’t even cook yourself a week’s long worth of meals. You wake up and you maybe have breakfast and you have lunch if your family made it...

I realized, even though I’m as financially stable as I can be right now, given my current circumstances - absolutely none of it is going towards making me healthy. 

I waste it. I still waste my time. I still waste my resources, my energy, and my own patience. I continue to entertain negative or bad people in my life. 

Why? I don’t know. What was all that therapy for I wondered lol...and so I keep seeking. Seeking answers to my own instability. 

That said, here is what I decided to do about it. 

I made a list, and I’m sticking by it: 

I’m seeing a psychiatrist. Who is willing to help me figure out the emotional imbalances of what is going on in my head (in terms of chemistry - thankfully she’s really smart lol). 

I’m seeing a bunch of other doctors to figure out how to help me with my current medical conditions. One being that I have two fucked up legs/knees now, because the other is compensating for the left knee surgery I had that made me shorter in one leg! Wee...lol. 

I’m trying to join a nutritional wellness program, and a massage therapy program so I can just...I just need major improvement there. Both because my digestive issues are bad and my pain management is terrible. I don’t know what to cook for myself because everything makes my stomach react AND hurt (I have leftover issues from a bad infection that could have caused me cancer if I didn’t take the medication to clear it in time). 

I blocked and got rid of a lot of negative people. People who just kept pushing their goddamn ideals on me. I’m not you. Stop treating me like I need to fit a mold. I’m fine as I am. I’m happy with who I turned out to be, what I like, and how I spend my time. You don’t need to belittle me to achieve your goals or your dreams. Why not do that to yourself and see how that feels quite frankly - I’m sure you wouldn’t get too far. Why? BECAUSE ITS NOT CONSTRUCTIVE. You continue to waste your time on people when you decide to be petty. And even worse: when you’re petty to yourself. And you throw that crap onto me, because you get tired of treating yourself this way. LEARN. Learn who you are. That’s your responsibility - not mine. 

I paid for a really cheap online art class~ it was discounted c: and it’s just to reset my creativity and my passion for doing art~ because I love to draw. <3 I have always loved to draw. 

I want to work on a few designs for stickers I’d like to start selling~ and even design my own plushie! 

Financially? Idk. I’m still hoping for a miracle lol. But we’ll see. I need my health first. I realized that finally. 

What is my point? 

I didn’t fail me. 

I have never failed me. 

I have always picked myself up, did the work, cried about it later, and STILL pushed me to do something. 

I still asked myself to achieve, even when I really didn’t want to. 

I got up, brushed my teeth, took a shower, and went to all my scary therapy appointments, all of my horrifying doctors visits, and still went to work to get yelled at by people I would never meet who would flat out tell me I was worth nothing. 

It took its toll every day - and I still found the strength to do these things. And I kept changing them, by the way. 

I kept changing jobs. I kept changing friends. I kept changing my financial circumstances. 

I’m finally at a job that allows me more leisure, even if I deal with the one or two petty clients of the day (sometimes its like seven, lets be real lol)…but I learned. 

I taught me. People helped. The right ones did, but because I decided who those people were going to be and who or what I wouldn’t tolerate anymore. 

END OF STORY. 

[timclymer]

The Secret Heart Attack of Prime Minister Winston Churchill in 1953

Picture the following scene. The Prime Minister has suffered a massive heart attack. A handful of people know this. The Prime Minister may well have to resign if news breaks out, both as leader of the country and his party and a General Election will then have to be called. What will you do? This is the very decision that has to be answered in 1953 by the Prime Minister’s closest confidants.

There is little forewarning. On 23 June 1953 a Downing Street dinner is held for the Italian Prime Minister, Alcide de Gaspieri and Prime Minister, Winston Churchill. The evening begins well with Churchill delivering yet another witty speech joking about the Roman conquest of Britain. Later it starts to taper off as he rapidly deteriorates in health. Barely able to move he holds the hand of his close friend, Jane Clark and whispers ‘I want the hand of a friend. They put too much on me, Foreign Affairs… ‘ and then his voice trails off.

No respite occurs. Those who hope it is just a small attack like the one he suffered in Southern France in 1949 are disappointed. Churchill’s condition is so bad that at one point the aptly named neurologist, Sir Russell Brain doubts whether his patient will live another year.

It later transpires he has suffered a massive heart attack and yet incredibly he struggles on. The next day he even manages to conduct a Cabinet meeting. Some cabinet colleagues note he looks rather pale and white but the only sign something is amiss happens when he requests that ‘Harold, you might draw down the blind a little, will you?’.

The pain that Churchill endures with the loss of function in his left arm, leg and the left side of his face is intolerable. Eventually he capitulates and with reluctance decides to retire to his home at Chartwell for recuperation on Thursday morning. He leaves at noon from No.10 for Chartwell. He is in full glaring view of the public and media and yet somehow manages to walk unaided into his car and escape detection. By the time he arrives at Chartwell he needs full assistance to leave the car.

His problems continue to mount over the next few days. He is well aware that if the media get hold of this story they will have a field day. He can also see how his political rivals circle round him like vultures by a carcass. If he wants to stay as Prime Minister then he absolutely has to somehow recover his health.

The first matter of the media is tackled on Thursday 25th June when the three leading press barons of the day, Lord Beaverbrook, Camrose and Bracken are invited to Chartwell to discuss the Prime Minister’s health. Extraordinarily given the scoop that is at their hands they collectively decide to muzzle their own papers in order to protect the Prime Minister. They also encourage others to do likewise by arguing that the Parliamentary summer recess will allow Winston sufficient time to recuperate.

More difficult negotiations take place on Friday. Winston meets his key adversaries, Lord Salisbury and Butler on Friday at Chartwell. Winston knows he needs their goodwill as either can reveal his condition to the public. He tries to persuade them by suggesting he will leave office in October in favour of Eden. It is dangerous game to appeal to their mixed sympathies and yet it appears to work.

This can best be seen with how both Butler and Salisbury make direct appeals to the Prime Minister’s medical experts, Moran and Sir Russell Brain to alter their original media circular. In the first draft it says Churchill has suffered from ‘a disturbance of the cerebral circulation’. Instead a revised medical bulletin is let out saying the Prime Minister is taking ‘complete rest’ whilst the original comment is cut to stop the general public being aware of how serious his situation is.

Churchill’s problems are not over. On Saturday 27th June key talks about the future of the Conservative Government are held in secret at Chartwell between the key political figures of Butler, Salisbury, Colville and Lascelles, the Queen’s secretary. They agree upon a caretaker government under Lord Salisbury taking over until Eden is in a position to permanently do so.

A suggestion is even put to Churchill that he move to the House of Lords and remain Prime Minister in name only whilst Eden take over effective control from the Commons. He outright rejects the offer and replies with his usual keen sense of wit ‘I should have to be the Duke of Chartwell, and Randulph would be the Marquis of Toodledo’.

The major impediment to a smooth transition of power is the state of Antony Eden. One of Winston’s two main challengers, he is 3,000 miles away in a Boston hospital in America recovering from a botched eight hour operation for his gall bladder that leaves him a 50/50 chance of survival prognosis. His other main rival is Rab Butler, the Chancellor of the Exchequer and he loses his opportunity by vacillating over what to do next rather than aggressively promoting himself and canvassing for support.

None of this matters when Winston’s life becomes touch and go during the weekend of 27/28th June. His health is so poor that his Doctor, Moran tells Colville he is not sure if the Prime Minister will last the weekend. Unable to get out of bed on Saturday morning, his good right hand stiffens and Winston appears to give up hope.

Sunday is a pivotal day in his fortunes. Luckily for him his thrombosis settles so his friends and family, such his wife, Clementine take the opportunity to try to lift his spirits. Winston himself is keen to tough it out. He still has immense resources of mental fortitude and a willingness to fight it out or ‘pig it’ as he likes to say. Rather stupendously he sets himself the goal of walking unaided to his bed. Incredibly he succeeds with much effort and promptly collapses from the sheer exertion.

Keeping the matter of Winston’s health a secret is too much of a burden and so on Monday 31st June more people become aware of how poorly he is when the full cabinet are informed. Grown men cry with shock or have to restrain their emotions to stop themselves from breaking down.

Meantime Winston continues to confound all around him. A remarkable example of his willingness to ‘pig it’ happens on Tuesday 30th June after dinner. It leaves a lasting impression on his colleague, Brook. This time round Winston is in the drawing room and sets himself the goal of standing upright without aid from a chair. All are scared for him so they try to stop him from doing it. He warns them away with his stick so they position themselves on either side of him. With enormous effort he begins to rise, sweat glistening down his face. Finally he stands upright. Content he then sits down and has a cigar to relax. It leaves a lasting impression on all witnessing it. Brook felt that ‘as he had done for the nation in 1940, so he did for his own life in 1953. He was determined to recover’.

Indeed he slowly gets better and on the following weekend of the 4th and 5th of July an evident upward swing begins. Churchill takes his first short walk unaided. In addition to a great deal of pain it also gives him a shot of sorely needed confidence and from then on he slowly makes a recovery.

All the time the public remain ignorant of to his condition. They only become enlightened a full year later during a speech by none other than Winston himself when he lets it slip as a casual aside in a House of Commons debate.

Source by Peter Strafford

from Home Solutions Forev https://homesolutionsforev.com/the-secret-heart-attack-of-prime-minister-winston-churchill-in-1953/ via Home Solutions on WordPress from Home Solutions FOREV https://homesolutionsforev.tumblr.com/post/184569739240 via Tim Clymer on Wordpress

[homesolutionsforev]

The Secret Heart Attack of Prime Minister Winston Churchill in 1953

Picture the following scene. The Prime Minister has suffered a massive heart attack. A handful of people know this. The Prime Minister may well have to resign if news breaks out, both as leader of the country and his party and a General Election will then have to be called. What will you do? This is the very decision that has to be answered in 1953 by the Prime Minister’s closest confidants.

There is little forewarning. On 23 June 1953 a Downing Street dinner is held for the Italian Prime Minister, Alcide de Gaspieri and Prime Minister, Winston Churchill. The evening begins well with Churchill delivering yet another witty speech joking about the Roman conquest of Britain. Later it starts to taper off as he rapidly deteriorates in health. Barely able to move he holds the hand of his close friend, Jane Clark and whispers ‘I want the hand of a friend. They put too much on me, Foreign Affairs… ‘ and then his voice trails off.

No respite occurs. Those who hope it is just a small attack like the one he suffered in Southern France in 1949 are disappointed. Churchill’s condition is so bad that at one point the aptly named neurologist, Sir Russell Brain doubts whether his patient will live another year.

It later transpires he has suffered a massive heart attack and yet incredibly he struggles on. The next day he even manages to conduct a Cabinet meeting. Some cabinet colleagues note he looks rather pale and white but the only sign something is amiss happens when he requests that ‘Harold, you might draw down the blind a little, will you?’.

The pain that Churchill endures with the loss of function in his left arm, leg and the left side of his face is intolerable. Eventually he capitulates and with reluctance decides to retire to his home at Chartwell for recuperation on Thursday morning. He leaves at noon from No.10 for Chartwell. He is in full glaring view of the public and media and yet somehow manages to walk unaided into his car and escape detection. By the time he arrives at Chartwell he needs full assistance to leave the car.

His problems continue to mount over the next few days. He is well aware that if the media get hold of this story they will have a field day. He can also see how his political rivals circle round him like vultures by a carcass. If he wants to stay as Prime Minister then he absolutely has to somehow recover his health.

The first matter of the media is tackled on Thursday 25th June when the three leading press barons of the day, Lord Beaverbrook, Camrose and Bracken are invited to Chartwell to discuss the Prime Minister’s health. Extraordinarily given the scoop that is at their hands they collectively decide to muzzle their own papers in order to protect the Prime Minister. They also encourage others to do likewise by arguing that the Parliamentary summer recess will allow Winston sufficient time to recuperate.

More difficult negotiations take place on Friday. Winston meets his key adversaries, Lord Salisbury and Butler on Friday at Chartwell. Winston knows he needs their goodwill as either can reveal his condition to the public. He tries to persuade them by suggesting he will leave office in October in favour of Eden. It is dangerous game to appeal to their mixed sympathies and yet it appears to work.

This can best be seen with how both Butler and Salisbury make direct appeals to the Prime Minister’s medical experts, Moran and Sir Russell Brain to alter their original media circular. In the first draft it says Churchill has suffered from ‘a disturbance of the cerebral circulation’. Instead a revised medical bulletin is let out saying the Prime Minister is taking ‘complete rest’ whilst the original comment is cut to stop the general public being aware of how serious his situation is.

Churchill’s problems are not over. On Saturday 27th June key talks about the future of the Conservative Government are held in secret at Chartwell between the key political figures of Butler, Salisbury, Colville and Lascelles, the Queen’s secretary. They agree upon a caretaker government under Lord Salisbury taking over until Eden is in a position to permanently do so.

A suggestion is even put to Churchill that he move to the House of Lords and remain Prime Minister in name only whilst Eden take over effective control from the Commons. He outright rejects the offer and replies with his usual keen sense of wit ‘I should have to be the Duke of Chartwell, and Randulph would be the Marquis of Toodledo’.

The major impediment to a smooth transition of power is the state of Antony Eden. One of Winston’s two main challengers, he is 3,000 miles away in a Boston hospital in America recovering from a botched eight hour operation for his gall bladder that leaves him a 50/50 chance of survival prognosis. His other main rival is Rab Butler, the Chancellor of the Exchequer and he loses his opportunity by vacillating over what to do next rather than aggressively promoting himself and canvassing for support.

None of this matters when Winston’s life becomes touch and go during the weekend of 27/28th June. His health is so poor that his Doctor, Moran tells Colville he is not sure if the Prime Minister will last the weekend. Unable to get out of bed on Saturday morning, his good right hand stiffens and Winston appears to give up hope.

Sunday is a pivotal day in his fortunes. Luckily for him his thrombosis settles so his friends and family, such his wife, Clementine take the opportunity to try to lift his spirits. Winston himself is keen to tough it out. He still has immense resources of mental fortitude and a willingness to fight it out or ‘pig it’ as he likes to say. Rather stupendously he sets himself the goal of walking unaided to his bed. Incredibly he succeeds with much effort and promptly collapses from the sheer exertion.

Keeping the matter of Winston’s health a secret is too much of a burden and so on Monday 31st June more people become aware of how poorly he is when the full cabinet are informed. Grown men cry with shock or have to restrain their emotions to stop themselves from breaking down.

Meantime Winston continues to confound all around him. A remarkable example of his willingness to ‘pig it’ happens on Tuesday 30th June after dinner. It leaves a lasting impression on his colleague, Brook. This time round Winston is in the drawing room and sets himself the goal of standing upright without aid from a chair. All are scared for him so they try to stop him from doing it. He warns them away with his stick so they position themselves on either side of him. With enormous effort he begins to rise, sweat glistening down his face. Finally he stands upright. Content he then sits down and has a cigar to relax. It leaves a lasting impression on all witnessing it. Brook felt that ‘as he had done for the nation in 1940, so he did for his own life in 1953. He was determined to recover’.

Indeed he slowly gets better and on the following weekend of the 4th and 5th of July an evident upward swing begins. Churchill takes his first short walk unaided. In addition to a great deal of pain it also gives him a shot of sorely needed confidence and from then on he slowly makes a recovery.

All the time the public remain ignorant of to his condition. They only become enlightened a full year later during a speech by none other than Winston himself when he lets it slip as a casual aside in a House of Commons debate.

Source by Peter Strafford

from Home Solutions Forev https://homesolutionsforev.com/the-secret-heart-attack-of-prime-minister-winston-churchill-in-1953/ via Home Solutions on WordPress

[canttalktumbling]

New Post has been published on Can't Talk

New Post has been published on http://www.cant-talk.com/2017/02/love-not-reward/

Love Is Not A Reward

Please welcome back OPAN editor and co-host Kayte for a great piece on love and boundaries.

Through my journeys both in a program of recovery as well as in the polyamory community, my definition of love has shifted and evolved to be something that would be unrecognizable to the me of twelve years ago. This is a wonderfully fortunate thing, and I am so grateful to be older and somewhat wiser regarding my experiences in love.

As a teenager, my definition of love was desperate and hopeless, just like the examples I saw in all of the movies I watched and love songs I listened to. I was waiting for The One to come and save me: save me from unhappiness, from struggle, from heartache, from loneliness, and from myself. This Person would complete me, just like in “Jerry McGuire,” and I would be happy forevermore.

This idea of love lasted well into my twenties and even into my thirties, primarily because of what my own experience of love had been. I had wanted more than anything to feel love and nurturing from my parents but, unfortunately, that was not something they were capable of showing me in a way that I understood as a child. So, I went searching for it in my Other Half. That’s what love meant. To be able to enmesh with another human being and have them be the Love of My Life and my Everything. I capitalize these words because they were that important to me. They symbolized someone to get me out of the muck of my life, because “Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong.”

When I got into a 12-Step Program twelve years ago, I heard the terms “self-love” and “self-compassion” tossed around and fervently got on that bandwagon. I looked in the mirror and said, “I love you” to myself every day. I drew hearts on myself like in the movie “What the Bleep Do We Know?” and I had affirmations on my mirror that I said daily to myself about my worthiness and my love for myself. While the intention was certainly good and I do believe that these behaviors can be helpful, it felt like I was trying to erase a chalkboard full of negativity with a q-tip. I was missing a big piece of this would-be transformation, and that was something I discovered through my stepwork.

The 9th Step is a process of amends to people that I discovered I have harmed as I work through previous steps. There is a setting aside of the harm that has been done to me (super easy, right?), and being able to truly be accountable for the actions I have done to others. This step has been by turns terrifying and freeing, and I have been working on it for the better part of a year. I have made amends to my father, my sister, former coworkers, former lovers, several friends and former friends, and my ex-husband. Through this process of cleaning house and being responsible for my actions of the past as well as my behavior moving forward, I discovered something truly fascinating. I have not forgiven myself for many of these transgressions. Others have let things go and moved on, and yet I have continually “beat myself in the head with the hammer of shame,” as my sponsor says. I was such a terrible person, such a special snowflake, that I was never to be forgiven for these actions even if others had already forgiven me. I would carry on in their stead, making sure I remembered every hurtful thing I did or said in my whole entire life.

This was understandably exhausting.

As I continued this process of discovery through stepwork, it made sense why all of those self-love affirmations made very little change in my life. It made sense why I was so judgmental to those around me; I was reflecting what I felt towards myself. I refused to cut myself some slack, and so those around me couldn’t have any slack, either. Everything had to be perfect about me, and I was fighting a constant battle of trying to live up to this standard of perfection and failing miserably. As Brené Brown would say, I was hustling for worthiness.

I had believed for a good portion of my life that love was a reward for doing something right. This was implanted in me by my parents and reinforced in my relationships. Emotional pain, either from the withdrawal of love or from shame or codependence, was my punishment for not doing things right. If only I hustled more! Love was payment for sex, for gifts, and for sacrifice. If I did it right, you would love me. Love was a transaction and I paid out the nose for it. In this way, I manipulated my partners, family, and friends, and I felt good when the transaction went well. I kept score, and I made sure that I was doing everything I could to keep them happy so that I would keep getting my love paycheck. There was no way I could love myself because I was so busy maintaining this delicate balance with others, and punishing myself when I came up short. Which was always.

Which leads me back to my amends. This process has been laborious, but there has been little in my life that has made this much of a profound change in my outlook on myself and my relationships. In moving through my list of people to make these amends to, I am given the opportunity to revisit each situation with each person and allow self-forgiveness to permeate my past. I acknowledge these behaviors. I bring them into the light and I look at them honestly. Then I go out into the garden and put them to rest with kindness and gratitude, because I am not that person anymore. I am allowed to have this freedom. I deserve this freedom. I no longer have to hustle for worthiness. Accountability and action are the tools I have used to break these chains I have wrapped around myself. I can finally choose to put the hammer down.

As I navigate my relationships with multiple partners, love is no longer a transaction or paycheck. Who wants to make even more freaking amends than I already have on my list?! Looking at and subsequently dismantling my codependent patterns of behavior has helped me move from a place of trying to control everything to a place of compassion and kindness for myself and others. (And something I still work on. Every. Single. Day.) I am not responsible for my partners’ feelings, but I can be supportive and loving as I hold space for them and provide a safe respite from the turmoil of the world. I can apologize in the moment for being an ass instead of holding on to it for 3+ years and having to have an awkward conversation outside of a Starbucks. I give these kindnesses to others because I have learned how to give them to myself. In a beautiful paradox, I have let go of the need to bargain for them and in return I get these things freely from my partners. They love me for who I am, flaws and all. I love them, flaws and all. I don’t have to manipulate; I don’t have to control. In cleaning up my life, I provide myself with the chance to forgive myself and others for being human and making mistakes and release the energy that has held me captive with its need to be fed. I get to use this energy for other endeavors whether creative, uplifting, or sometimes just surviving a particularly bad day.

Being able to be honest about where I am, what I’m feeling, and what my needs are makes my relationships cleaner and more intimate than I have ever allowed myself to experience. Because in truth, I didn’t want enmeshment. I wanted to be authentic. I wanted genuine intimacy. I wanted to be seen and cherished for who I am. Everyone always says, “You have to love yourself first.” I knew that going in, but I had no idea how to get there. Although there have been days that have sucked extra-super-hard, self-forgiveness has been the key that has allowed me to crack open the door to self-love. It’s currently still only open a crack, but it’s amazing how much love can fit through that small space. ♥

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Thanks to this powerful information, thousands of people worldwide have been successful managing their panic and anxiety, and eliminated panic attacks for good!

“Hi Edward, I wanted to write you and let you know how grateful I am to you for sharing your personal experiences with us all. It’s not easy being open about anxiety disorders – they’re so misunderstood, it’s never easy to be open about it. You’ve really helped me Edward, it’s great to have so much information all in one book. All my questions have been answered even before I knew I needed to ask them! I found it really helpful just to hear that someone else had the same issues as me, and managed to actually get through them. You’re an inspiration.” — W. Worthington (Cambridge, Vermont)

“Ever since my first panic attack, my life and self confidence have been in tatters. I’ve been pretty depressed over the last year or so – I knew that what I was having were panic attacks, but nobody I knew understood what it was like and all I kept hearing was “it’s all in your head”. Yes, it WAS all in my head, but that doesn’t make the slightest bit of difference! I needed some real techniques for dealing with the problem, not to be told to deal with it and pull myself together! Well your book is just what the doctor ordered. I’ve now found a psychotherapist – thanks to your tips on finding one, what to look for, and what to expect – and we’re working together on solving my problem. I’m just so relieved to be able to do something to help myself, instead of just gritting my teeth and enduring. I feel better already!” — Melissa G.(Albermarle, Louisiana)

“When I bought this book, the most I was hoping for was a temporary respite from panic attacks as and when they occurred. I never would have thought that I’d be well on the road to a complete, all-round recovery!! But here I am, I’m so much better already, and it’s been less than two months since I first opened your book. I’ve been forced to take a real look at my life and at what might be causing me to be so anxious all the time. I’m now a much happier, more relaxed, and spontaneous person. I even went on a date the other night – something I haven’t dared to do for a whole year! You will never know how grateful I am. I hope everyone out there who suffers from panic attacks finds and reads this book!” B. Dollarhyde (Newark, New Jersey)

“Hi Edward, Well your book certainly opened my eyes! I’ve always been pretty cynical about holistic therapies. When I first found your ebook, I’m ashamed to say that my initial reaction was pretty contemptuous – since when have deep-breathing exercises ever REALLY helped anyone overcome panic attacks or anxiety disorders, I thought? Well, I’m glad to say that now I know different.  I’ve used your tips on psychotherapy, medications, AND holistic therapy to heal myself of panic attacks, and – although I’m still far from perfect – the improvement I’ve experienced already is incredibly heartening. For the first time in many years, I actually feel hopeful about the future: your book’s a truly valuable resource for anyone suffering from anxiety disorders. Thanks for turning me around on this issue, and proving to me that a closed mind is no way to treat anxiety disorders!” — John Bates (Big Four, West Virginia)

“Hi Edward, before reading your book I was pretty much an emotional and social leper. I lived alone in my little studio flat, had arranged to work from home, had almost no friends, and NEVER left the house. I can see now just how unhealthy that kind of lifestyle is. Believe me, at the time, I wanted to change things too, but I just didn’t know how! Now I do, and I’m no longer as afraid to go out into the world and live my life as I used to be. I still get nervous, but I’m slowly learning not to let that stop me from enjoying my life. The first step was to start working part time in the office again, which might not sound like much to people who don’t know what anxiety disorders are like – but since your book is based on your own real-life experiences, I know you’ll understand just how exciting it is to be moving forwards again. Thank you, thank you, thank you Edward” — Daniele S. (Charlotte, Maine)

“If anyone had told me just six weeks ago that I’d be almost completely cured of my panic disorder by now, I’d probably have slapped them in the face – I don’t take kindly to people joking about such a horrible condition, and there’s no way they could have been telling the truth (or so I thought). But after reading through your book, I’m just amazed at the depth and breadth of knowledge covered, and with so many practical techniques for overcoming the problem! It’s amazing, I can’t believe how much better I am. Thanks so much Edward.” — Susan J (Garden City, Colorado)

“I just wanted to write a heartfelt THANK YOU for your advice on treating panic attacks. Ever since I was a teenager I’ve been suffering on and off from these horrible, heart-palpitating “terror fits” (as I privately called them, not knowing what they actually were!). The only person I ever told was my dad, whose response was pretty much to “just get over it” …. After hearing that, I decided to never tell anyone else about my problem, ever. But since I stumbled across your book, it’s literally changed my life. I now have the confidence to address my problem, am no longer ashamed of it, and have actually got up the nerve to attend my first psychotherapy session! Thank you so much Edward, you’ll never know what an impact your book’s had on my life.” — Dave Newman(Austin, Texas, USA)

“Edward, it’s such a relief to hear somebody advocating the benefits of “alternative” therapies as well as the usual prescription meds and psychotherapy. I don’t like the idea of filling my body up with pills and potions, and the idea of telling a complete stranger about my personal problems didn’t really appeal to me personally either, but it was getting to the point that I no longer knew what to do – social phobia (as I know now it’s called) is no joke, and I really just wanted to be able to live a normal life. I was beginning to wonder whether I shouldn’t rethink my convictions about prescriptions! Then I read what you had to say about holistic therapies, and decided to give it a shot. I now attend reiki sessions every two weeks, have taken up hatha yoga, and practice my breathing techniques religiously whenever I feel my palms start to get sweaty. I can’t believe how much it’s all helped – I love it that you’ve provided me with knowledge about body/mind therapies, as well as traditional cures. Thanks heaps. You’re a star!” — Flo Van der Lorien (Saint Croix Falls, Wisconsin)

“Your book changed my life. I have been a panic attack sufferer for 8 years and thanks to your book it has opened doors to a new found confidence. Now I really think I can beat this! I can’t thank you enough for taking me by the hand and giving me my life back. Thanks.” — Liz Wolff (Prospect, Georgia)

From: Edward Golding Date: January 01, 2021

Dear Friend,

I’m Edward Golding. I’m a former chronic panic attack sufferer, so I know first-hand how disrupting and crippling anxiety attacks can be. I’m here to help you cure your anxiety issues using what may well be the most powerful panic attack cure system that exists.

Firstly, you should know that there is a lot of BAD advice going around on the internet about how to treat anxiety and panic attacks. Many treatments that people suggest are not effective, accurate, nor are they safe. In fact, some websites claim that they can fix your anxiety and cure you of future panic attacks in one step! Let’s face it, if panic attacks were that simple to cure, you wouldn’t still be looking for help!

If you suffer from panic attacks and want your life back… if you’re tired of trying pills, potions, and lotions that merely mask the problem, but don’t cure it, and if you’d like to cure your panic attacks once and for all, as safely, naturally, and as effectively as possible… then please read the rest of this web page – you are missing out on extremely valuable information if you don’t.

I want to share with you my unique, well-researched and proven 4-Step Holistic System, so that you can overcome panic attacks in the safest and most effective way possible, while minimizing the risk of recurring attacks.

But First, I Want You to Consider These Questions…

Do you want to overcome your anxiety fears and get back to the full health and vitality that you used to have?

Do you want to stop the dizzy spells, racing heart, nausea and tingling of an oncoming panic attack?

Do you want to overcome your fears and social phobias and enjoy your friends and social life again?

Do you want to understand and cure unusual compulsions and unwanted thoughts that you can’t explain?

Are you frustrated that many of the anxiety medications offered don’t do the job as effectively as they should?

Do you want to explore your options and alternatives before you resort to drugs in treating your anxiety disorder?

Are you sick of the side-effects of the many pills and potions you are taking? Do you wish there were other things you could do to manage your condition?

Do you miss having the confidence that comes from being anxiety and panic attack-free?

Do you know what alternative lifestyle, homeopathic, and medical options exist for managing and overcoming anxiety attacks?

Do you want to stop getting recurring panic attacks that are destroying your family life, career, and even your future happiness?

Do you want to know more about other types of treatments including acupuncture, EFT, Tai Chi, and Gemstone Therapy?

Do you want to know how key exercise and diet changes can affect the way your body responds to stress?

If you answered “YES” to any of these questions, this book is really going to help you. If you are suffering from any of the symptoms above and have really had enough of feeling this way, you have come to the right place – You really can eliminate all of the above problems and I’m about to let you in on my secret method…

Before You Go On… Sign Up to My FREE “Stop Panic” Newsletter Series!

I believe that we have an obligation to one another to share helpful information that could enable us to live healthier, happier, longer lives. That’s why I created my newsletter series!

I want to share with you some of the information I have gained through my years in researching this subject. I’ve not just gone to panic and anxiety sufferers to find out how they manage their anxiety and panic attacks the natural way; I’ve also gone to the formal medical literature on the subject, scientists, herbalists, homeopaths, and more, in order to get a complete picture of what people are saying about anxiety and panic attacks and what really works.

I designed my newsletter series to help clear up the misconceptions about anxiety and panic attacks and give you the plain and simple truth without wading through the sea of information out there!

So if you are suffering from anxiety or panic attacks, or simply want to know more about this condition that afflicts so many, sign up to my free newsletter series below.

This is a private mailing list and it will never be sold or given away for any reason. Believe me, I hate spam as much as you do!

Before getting on to the remedy, you should consider the following…

How Did People Treat Anxiety and Panic Attacks Before Miracle Pills and 10-Second One-Step Cures?

Every year, over 40 million Americans suffer from anxiety-related disorders, and most are looking for effective ways to manage their fears and live a normal and care-free life…

...But the first thing most of them recognize is that an anxiety disorder is a serious affliction, and that any approach to managing and minimizing panic attacks needs to be both carefully considered and carefully implemented. People that tell you they can cure your panic attacks in just seconds or moments are just as bad as those who tell you that you simply need to pull yourself together. It’s just not that simple.

It’s crazy! You can spend years treating the symptoms at the pop of a pill, pressure on a reflexology point, or a positive affirmation, without actually treating the panic attack and the lifestyle triggers that are causing it!

These revolutionists ONLY TREAT THE SYMPTOMS, not the causes, and the side effects may be creating new problems and making you feel worse, and yet you keep spending the money!

This means that while you may cure the symptoms of your panic attacks for a while, without getting to the root cause it’s just going to keep on coming back again… and again… and again.

And each time you have another attack, it may be getting even worse and harder to live with…

But When I Think About It, It All Makes Sense…

If you knew that a 10-second miracle technique could cure your panic attacks forever, would you be interested? Sure!

But what if you knew that it was ineffective in delivering the promise that it would give you anxiety-free confidence for the rest of your life! Would you feel ripped off?

This is what made me so angry and what sparked me to spend years conducting my own research to find out exactly how people for centuries have been dealing with stress and managing their anxiety. During my research, I found a range of highly effective techniques and methods, which I’ve put together into 4 Step System that I guarantee will give you panic attack-free confidence or your money back. But first you should be aware that…

You Can’t Afford NOT To Hear the Truth!

An anxiety problem left untreated can quickly grow into a life problem of unsustainable proportions.

Imagine living in constant fear of a panic attack, so severe that you can’t continue in your job anymore, can’t maintain relationships or friendships, and your world is getting smaller and smaller…

The very pain and suffering you are trying to escape from is becoming your everyday reality! You are living your worst nightmare!

And all from not managing and treating your anxiety disorder properly and effectively!

**You Need Safe Effective Results NOW**

Using the advice and knowledge passed on by generations of anxiety and panic attack sufferers before me, modern medical research, and studies on the effects of modern lifestyles and stress on our nervous systems, I developed a 4-Step System that has changed the lives of over 2,000 people and can work wonders for you. You can naturally help your body and mind overcome panic attacks on its own, without having to resort to medication … and keep it from coming back!

It’s time to take control of your own health and happiness and learn how to use the management techniques that my 4-Step Holistic System has available for you!

My 4-Step Holistic Panic Attack Management System

Curing your panic attacks and restoring your confidence and vitality is not as easy as it sounds and DEFINITELY not as simple as the so-called experts tell you it will be.

There is much more to it than simply treating the symptoms of panic attacks.

You need to find the triggers that can cause your panic attacks to happen in the first place.

You need to understand how your parasympathetic nervous system reacts to stress situations… and how it keeps you in check naturally.

You need to take control of stress and anxiety by identifying its root causes – its food sources – and eliminate the very sources that are feeding your anxiety.

This is why my holistic 4-Step System of action is much more effective.

It deals with the many crucial holistic lifestyle and emotional factors that will stop panic attacks in their tracks, rather than merely masking the problem (which is what all these miracle cures and one-step techniques do). To effectively cure yourself from panic attacks, you need to explore every factor that is contributing to your anxiety reaction, not just one. And that’s specifically what my 4-Step Holistic System does.

I’ve got the 4 Steps you need to get relief fast and prevent panic attacks from coming back… and that’s not all!

Inside you’ll learn:

Discover exactly how to stop your panic attack as it is happening. Discover my 10-Point Panic Prevention Plan, the fastest and safest way to overcome your current panic attack as it is happening. I show it to you here!

How many anti-panic methods and theories are incredibly misleading! Find out why they are and why you need a more balanced approach to your anxiety management.

Why stress is a key component in anxiety, and how we are living with more stress now than ever. Discover techniques for understanding and channeling your stress and belief system.

You will find out how to get rid of that persistent feeling of general anxiety in the pit of your stomach, even if you don’t think it’s an anxiety attack. You won’t find this information anywhere else!

Learn how to diagnose a panic attack and identify the underlying conditions that can mimic them. Even when it feels like you are sure it’s a panic attack that you are experiencing, find out for sure and deal with it.

My secret “4-Step Holistic System” to

completely eradicate

your panic attack and its triggers from your life… forever!

My 5-Point Anxiety Management Plan to deal with the root causes of anxiety and face a future of supreme confidence and self-assurance.

Discover if you are predisposed to anxiety. There may be a combination of inherited genes and learned behaviors that make you more susceptible to anxiety than others. Find out what these are.

How your diet and lifestyle can contribute to your stress and anxiety. Identify the list of actions/behaviors that anxiety feeds on!

Vitamin supplements that can minimize the stress and anxiety in your body! Identify what these key supplements are and what foods they are present in.

Dietary do’s and don’ts. Find out what immediate changes you can make to your diet to start feeling better immediately. You will be amazed at how fast you start feeling more healthy and confident!

Relaxation techniques that are essential to helping you manage the stress in your life. Try one or two… or try them all! You will be amazed at your body’s ability to process and release stress calmly and smoothly!

Herbal teas and supplements that can induce calmness and relaxation. Harness the power of herbal infusions and generations-old remedies that are proven to assist as we list and describe the qualities and properties of each herbal supplement and tonic. It’s all here!

You’ll learn everything I’ve learnt in my years of researching what it really takes to cure anxiety and prevent panic attacks… many of these things people were doing long before the so called experts sold their “one-step” cures… backed up by solid medical justification.

Find out what is right and wrong with the various treatment options available and what to expect from a psychotherapist. Learn more right here!

What to do if you can’t afford medication. Find out what options are available to you and how you can best manage your anxiety the affordable way.

You’ll also find out a lot more about all the different types of panic disorders, including agoraphobia, specific phobias, generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, and much more. Identify the symptoms and an explanation of what they really are, and what to do next.

Uncover child-specific anxiety disorders. Does your child exhibit behaviors that seem out of character or that you can’t explain? Identify what symptoms you need to look out for, and what characteristics can point towards anxiety issues in your child.

You’ll finally experience the confidence of knowing that panic and anxiety don’t have to embarrass you any longer… no more having to explain to your spouse or friends why you “just don’t feel well”… no more sweaty hands, tight chest, dizzy spells and “gross” days when you just wish you could hide under the covers and close all the doors and escape your crippling fears!

With your life free from crippling anxiety, you’ll have more energy … feel healthier … and look and feel your best! Having a panic disorder takes over your life and diverts important resources to calming and soothing you, resources that you could use to do much more enjoyable things like going for a walk, playing with your children, or simply enjoying life!

You’re about to discover everything that you need to get effective relief from the suffering of panic attacks…

My advice isn’t trying to substitute the advice of a medical professional, and I don’t want it to. In fact, you should always seek diagnosis from a medical professional if you are not sure, but my ebook is here to present to you the alternatives open to you in your management of your anxiety as well as your future happiness.

In fact, this book will empower you to go to your health professional with concrete facts, lifestyle plans, and alternatives that really work, and the ability to make an informed decision that takes into account a range of different treatments and points of view, not just one “miracle” technique or action.

The less you know, the more vulnerable you’ll be to being “bullied” into using a treatment that may not even work. Take charge of your own anxiety and future happiness and get all the necessary secrets, not just one, your way!

Before Continuing, Let Me Ask You This…

Have a think to yourself: what would it be worth to you to have this area of your life dramatically and emphatically improved for the better?

What if you could have consistent confidence and self-assurance, free of the embarrassment and fear of future panic attacks for the rest of your life?

Imagine having the ability to have the feeling of positivity you always wanted, the confidence of being able to do anything that you set your mind to. Imagine having the confidence to live your life in confidence, secure in the knowledge that you will never again be affected by the fear, discomfort, and embarrassment of panic attacks. Imagine waking up each morning and never feeling the constant nausea or racing heartbeat of an oncoming panic attack again! How does that sound?

Personally, I value that above the value of anything. I’m serious.

To be completely satisfied with your life, I believe you need to have the security of self-confidence and peace of mind. And this is every bit as important as other areas of you life such as your career and relationships, maybe even more so. This is something that can affect your entire life.

Besides, if you don’t get it right the result could be your long-term health!

But you don’t have to worry about that or put up with it a moment longer because the Panic & Anxiety Gone ebook isn’t even $200, in fact it’s not even $150.

Not $100.

Not even $80.

You can get your hands on the amazing Panic & Anxiety Gone ebook for a super-low $49.95

What would you rather fix… the racing heartbeats, sweating, and trembling in your current anxiety episode? Or have panic-free confidence and happiness of knowing the attacks won’t happen again for the rest of your life?

And It Is 100% Guaranteed to Work!

Your Panic & Anxiety Gone Course purchase is fully covered by a personal, risk-free, no questions asked 8-week 100% money-back GUARANTEE if you are not satisfied for any reason, or if it doesn’t live up to your expectations.

That’s right! Take up to 56 days to examine and use my 4-Step Holistic System, including my 10-Step Panic Prevention Plan to stop your panic attacks now, plus the 5-Step Anxiety Management Plan to prevent anxiety and restore peacefulness to your life in the long-term, plus the comprehensive list of effective holistic natural remedies and techniques. Apply them to your situation. Once you have used this course to find new ways of treating and managing anxiety and panic attacks in your everyday life, I’m confident that you’ll NEVER want to send it back!

Take action now and download your copy of Pain and Anxiety Gone and gain the confidence and knowledge of how to safely and effectively manage the embarrassment and suffering of panic attacks from your life forever!

You’ll be astonished at the results! And that’s a promise.

What are you waiting for? You have nothing to lose…and a panic-free life to enjoy.

P.S. If you don’t make this decision now, when and how will you finally overcome the barrier of your anxiety and change your life? This one is a no-brainer thanks to our 100% Total Satisfaction, No Questions Asked 8-Week Guarantee. You have no risk, so download now.

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Panic & Anxiety Gone Offers 75% Commission

New Post has been published on https://autotraffixpro.app/allenmendezsr/panic-anxiety-gone-offers-75-commission/

Panic & Anxiety Gone Offers 75% Commission

 Buy Now    

Thanks to this powerful information, thousands of people worldwide have been successful managing their panic and anxiety, and eliminated panic attacks for good!

“Hi Edward, I wanted to write you and let you know how grateful I am to you for sharing your personal experiences with us all. It’s not easy being open about anxiety disorders – they’re so misunderstood, it’s never easy to be open about it. You’ve really helped me Edward, it’s great to have so much information all in one book. All my questions have been answered even before I knew I needed to ask them! I found it really helpful just to hear that someone else had the same issues as me, and managed to actually get through them. You’re an inspiration.” — W. Worthington (Cambridge, Vermont)

“Ever since my first panic attack, my life and self confidence have been in tatters. I’ve been pretty depressed over the last year or so – I knew that what I was having were panic attacks, but nobody I knew understood what it was like and all I kept hearing was “it’s all in your head”. Yes, it WAS all in my head, but that doesn’t make the slightest bit of difference! I needed some real techniques for dealing with the problem, not to be told to deal with it and pull myself together! Well your book is just what the doctor ordered. I’ve now found a psychotherapist – thanks to your tips on finding one, what to look for, and what to expect – and we’re working together on solving my problem. I’m just so relieved to be able to do something to help myself, instead of just gritting my teeth and enduring. I feel better already!” — Melissa G.(Albermarle, Louisiana)

“When I bought this book, the most I was hoping for was a temporary respite from panic attacks as and when they occurred. I never would have thought that I’d be well on the road to a complete, all-round recovery!! But here I am, I’m so much better already, and it’s been less than two months since I first opened your book. I’ve been forced to take a real look at my life and at what might be causing me to be so anxious all the time. I’m now a much happier, more relaxed, and spontaneous person. I even went on a date the other night – something I haven’t dared to do for a whole year! You will never know how grateful I am. I hope everyone out there who suffers from panic attacks finds and reads this book!” B. Dollarhyde (Newark, New Jersey)

“Hi Edward, Well your book certainly opened my eyes! I’ve always been pretty cynical about holistic therapies. When I first found your ebook, I’m ashamed to say that my initial reaction was pretty contemptuous – since when have deep-breathing exercises ever REALLY helped anyone overcome panic attacks or anxiety disorders, I thought? Well, I’m glad to say that now I know different.  I’ve used your tips on psychotherapy, medications, AND holistic therapy to heal myself of panic attacks, and – although I’m still far from perfect – the improvement I’ve experienced already is incredibly heartening. For the first time in many years, I actually feel hopeful about the future: your book’s a truly valuable resource for anyone suffering from anxiety disorders. Thanks for turning me around on this issue, and proving to me that a closed mind is no way to treat anxiety disorders!” — John Bates (Big Four, West Virginia)

“Hi Edward, before reading your book I was pretty much an emotional and social leper. I lived alone in my little studio flat, had arranged to work from home, had almost no friends, and NEVER left the house. I can see now just how unhealthy that kind of lifestyle is. Believe me, at the time, I wanted to change things too, but I just didn’t know how! Now I do, and I’m no longer as afraid to go out into the world and live my life as I used to be. I still get nervous, but I’m slowly learning not to let that stop me from enjoying my life. The first step was to start working part time in the office again, which might not sound like much to people who don’t know what anxiety disorders are like – but since your book is based on your own real-life experiences, I know you’ll understand just how exciting it is to be moving forwards again. Thank you, thank you, thank you Edward” — Daniele S. (Charlotte, Maine)

“If anyone had told me just six weeks ago that I’d be almost completely cured of my panic disorder by now, I’d probably have slapped them in the face – I don’t take kindly to people joking about such a horrible condition, and there’s no way they could have been telling the truth (or so I thought). But after reading through your book, I’m just amazed at the depth and breadth of knowledge covered, and with so many practical techniques for overcoming the problem! It’s amazing, I can’t believe how much better I am. Thanks so much Edward.” — Susan J (Garden City, Colorado)

“I just wanted to write a heartfelt THANK YOU for your advice on treating panic attacks. Ever since I was a teenager I’ve been suffering on and off from these horrible, heart-palpitating “terror fits” (as I privately called them, not knowing what they actually were!). The only person I ever told was my dad, whose response was pretty much to “just get over it” …. After hearing that, I decided to never tell anyone else about my problem, ever. But since I stumbled across your book, it’s literally changed my life. I now have the confidence to address my problem, am no longer ashamed of it, and have actually got up the nerve to attend my first psychotherapy session! Thank you so much Edward, you’ll never know what an impact your book’s had on my life.” — Dave Newman(Austin, Texas, USA)

“Edward, it’s such a relief to hear somebody advocating the benefits of “alternative” therapies as well as the usual prescription meds and psychotherapy. I don’t like the idea of filling my body up with pills and potions, and the idea of telling a complete stranger about my personal problems didn’t really appeal to me personally either, but it was getting to the point that I no longer knew what to do – social phobia (as I know now it’s called) is no joke, and I really just wanted to be able to live a normal life. I was beginning to wonder whether I shouldn’t rethink my convictions about prescriptions! Then I read what you had to say about holistic therapies, and decided to give it a shot. I now attend reiki sessions every two weeks, have taken up hatha yoga, and practice my breathing techniques religiously whenever I feel my palms start to get sweaty. I can’t believe how much it’s all helped – I love it that you’ve provided me with knowledge about body/mind therapies, as well as traditional cures. Thanks heaps. You’re a star!” — Flo Van der Lorien (Saint Croix Falls, Wisconsin)

“Your book changed my life. I have been a panic attack sufferer for 8 years and thanks to your book it has opened doors to a new found confidence. Now I really think I can beat this! I can’t thank you enough for taking me by the hand and giving me my life back. Thanks.” — Liz Wolff (Prospect, Georgia)

From: Edward Golding Date: January 01, 2021

Dear Friend,

I’m Edward Golding. I’m a former chronic panic attack sufferer, so I know first-hand how disrupting and crippling anxiety attacks can be. I’m here to help you cure your anxiety issues using what may well be the most powerful panic attack cure system that exists.

Firstly, you should know that there is a lot of BAD advice going around on the internet about how to treat anxiety and panic attacks. Many treatments that people suggest are not effective, accurate, nor are they safe. In fact, some websites claim that they can fix your anxiety and cure you of future panic attacks in one step! Let’s face it, if panic attacks were that simple to cure, you wouldn’t still be looking for help!

If you suffer from panic attacks and want your life back… if you’re tired of trying pills, potions, and lotions that merely mask the problem, but don’t cure it, and if you’d like to cure your panic attacks once and for all, as safely, naturally, and as effectively as possible… then please read the rest of this web page – you are missing out on extremely valuable information if you don’t.

I want to share with you my unique, well-researched and proven 4-Step Holistic System, so that you can overcome panic attacks in the safest and most effective way possible, while minimizing the risk of recurring attacks.

But First, I Want You to Consider These Questions…

Do you want to overcome your anxiety fears and get back to the full health and vitality that you used to have?

Do you want to stop the dizzy spells, racing heart, nausea and tingling of an oncoming panic attack?

Do you want to overcome your fears and social phobias and enjoy your friends and social life again?

Do you want to understand and cure unusual compulsions and unwanted thoughts that you can’t explain?

Are you frustrated that many of the anxiety medications offered don’t do the job as effectively as they should?

Do you want to explore your options and alternatives before you resort to drugs in treating your anxiety disorder?

Are you sick of the side-effects of the many pills and potions you are taking? Do you wish there were other things you could do to manage your condition?

Do you miss having the confidence that comes from being anxiety and panic attack-free?

Do you know what alternative lifestyle, homeopathic, and medical options exist for managing and overcoming anxiety attacks?

Do you want to stop getting recurring panic attacks that are destroying your family life, career, and even your future happiness?

Do you want to know more about other types of treatments including acupuncture, EFT, Tai Chi, and Gemstone Therapy?

Do you want to know how key exercise and diet changes can affect the way your body responds to stress?

If you answered “YES” to any of these questions, this book is really going to help you. If you are suffering from any of the symptoms above and have really had enough of feeling this way, you have come to the right place – You really can eliminate all of the above problems and I’m about to let you in on my secret method…

Before You Go On… Sign Up to My FREE “Stop Panic” Newsletter Series!

I believe that we have an obligation to one another to share helpful information that could enable us to live healthier, happier, longer lives. That’s why I created my newsletter series!

I want to share with you some of the information I have gained through my years in researching this subject. I’ve not just gone to panic and anxiety sufferers to find out how they manage their anxiety and panic attacks the natural way; I’ve also gone to the formal medical literature on the subject, scientists, herbalists, homeopaths, and more, in order to get a complete picture of what people are saying about anxiety and panic attacks and what really works.

I designed my newsletter series to help clear up the misconceptions about anxiety and panic attacks and give you the plain and simple truth without wading through the sea of information out there!

So if you are suffering from anxiety or panic attacks, or simply want to know more about this condition that afflicts so many, sign up to my free newsletter series below.

This is a private mailing list and it will never be sold or given away for any reason. Believe me, I hate spam as much as you do!

Before getting on to the remedy, you should consider the following…

How Did People Treat Anxiety and Panic Attacks Before Miracle Pills and 10-Second One-Step Cures?

Every year, over 40 million Americans suffer from anxiety-related disorders, and most are looking for effective ways to manage their fears and live a normal and care-free life…

...But the first thing most of them recognize is that an anxiety disorder is a serious affliction, and that any approach to managing and minimizing panic attacks needs to be both carefully considered and carefully implemented. People that tell you they can cure your panic attacks in just seconds or moments are just as bad as those who tell you that you simply need to pull yourself together. It’s just not that simple.

It’s crazy! You can spend years treating the symptoms at the pop of a pill, pressure on a reflexology point, or a positive affirmation, without actually treating the panic attack and the lifestyle triggers that are causing it!

These revolutionists ONLY TREAT THE SYMPTOMS, not the causes, and the side effects may be creating new problems and making you feel worse, and yet you keep spending the money!

This means that while you may cure the symptoms of your panic attacks for a while, without getting to the root cause it’s just going to keep on coming back again… and again… and again.

And each time you have another attack, it may be getting even worse and harder to live with…

But When I Think About It, It All Makes Sense…

If you knew that a 10-second miracle technique could cure your panic attacks forever, would you be interested? Sure!

But what if you knew that it was ineffective in delivering the promise that it would give you anxiety-free confidence for the rest of your life! Would you feel ripped off?

This is what made me so angry and what sparked me to spend years conducting my own research to find out exactly how people for centuries have been dealing with stress and managing their anxiety. During my research, I found a range of highly effective techniques and methods, which I’ve put together into 4 Step System that I guarantee will give you panic attack-free confidence or your money back. But first you should be aware that…

You Can’t Afford NOT To Hear the Truth!

An anxiety problem left untreated can quickly grow into a life problem of unsustainable proportions.

Imagine living in constant fear of a panic attack, so severe that you can’t continue in your job anymore, can’t maintain relationships or friendships, and your world is getting smaller and smaller…

The very pain and suffering you are trying to escape from is becoming your everyday reality! You are living your worst nightmare!

And all from not managing and treating your anxiety disorder properly and effectively!

**You Need Safe Effective Results NOW**

Using the advice and knowledge passed on by generations of anxiety and panic attack sufferers before me, modern medical research, and studies on the effects of modern lifestyles and stress on our nervous systems, I developed a 4-Step System that has changed the lives of over 2,000 people and can work wonders for you. You can naturally help your body and mind overcome panic attacks on its own, without having to resort to medication … and keep it from coming back!

It’s time to take control of your own health and happiness and learn how to use the management techniques that my 4-Step Holistic System has available for you!

My 4-Step Holistic Panic Attack Management System

Curing your panic attacks and restoring your confidence and vitality is not as easy as it sounds and DEFINITELY not as simple as the so-called experts tell you it will be.

There is much more to it than simply treating the symptoms of panic attacks.

You need to find the triggers that can cause your panic attacks to happen in the first place.

You need to understand how your parasympathetic nervous system reacts to stress situations… and how it keeps you in check naturally.

You need to take control of stress and anxiety by identifying its root causes – its food sources – and eliminate the very sources that are feeding your anxiety.

This is why my holistic 4-Step System of action is much more effective.

It deals with the many crucial holistic lifestyle and emotional factors that will stop panic attacks in their tracks, rather than merely masking the problem (which is what all these miracle cures and one-step techniques do). To effectively cure yourself from panic attacks, you need to explore every factor that is contributing to your anxiety reaction, not just one. And that’s specifically what my 4-Step Holistic System does.

I’ve got the 4 Steps you need to get relief fast and prevent panic attacks from coming back… and that’s not all!

Inside you’ll learn:

Discover exactly how to stop your panic attack as it is happening. Discover my 10-Point Panic Prevention Plan, the fastest and safest way to overcome your current panic attack as it is happening. I show it to you here!

How many anti-panic methods and theories are incredibly misleading! Find out why they are and why you need a more balanced approach to your anxiety management.

Why stress is a key component in anxiety, and how we are living with more stress now than ever. Discover techniques for understanding and channeling your stress and belief system.

You will find out how to get rid of that persistent feeling of general anxiety in the pit of your stomach, even if you don’t think it’s an anxiety attack. You won’t find this information anywhere else!

Learn how to diagnose a panic attack and identify the underlying conditions that can mimic them. Even when it feels like you are sure it’s a panic attack that you are experiencing, find out for sure and deal with it.

My secret “4-Step Holistic System” to

completely eradicate

your panic attack and its triggers from your life… forever!

My 5-Point Anxiety Management Plan to deal with the root causes of anxiety and face a future of supreme confidence and self-assurance.

Discover if you are predisposed to anxiety. There may be a combination of inherited genes and learned behaviors that make you more susceptible to anxiety than others. Find out what these are.

How your diet and lifestyle can contribute to your stress and anxiety. Identify the list of actions/behaviors that anxiety feeds on!

Vitamin supplements that can minimize the stress and anxiety in your body! Identify what these key supplements are and what foods they are present in.

Dietary do’s and don’ts. Find out what immediate changes you can make to your diet to start feeling better immediately. You will be amazed at how fast you start feeling more healthy and confident!

Relaxation techniques that are essential to helping you manage the stress in your life. Try one or two… or try them all! You will be amazed at your body’s ability to process and release stress calmly and smoothly!

Herbal teas and supplements that can induce calmness and relaxation. Harness the power of herbal infusions and generations-old remedies that are proven to assist as we list and describe the qualities and properties of each herbal supplement and tonic. It’s all here!

You’ll learn everything I’ve learnt in my years of researching what it really takes to cure anxiety and prevent panic attacks… many of these things people were doing long before the so called experts sold their “one-step” cures… backed up by solid medical justification.

Find out what is right and wrong with the various treatment options available and what to expect from a psychotherapist. Learn more right here!

What to do if you can’t afford medication. Find out what options are available to you and how you can best manage your anxiety the affordable way.

You’ll also find out a lot more about all the different types of panic disorders, including agoraphobia, specific phobias, generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, and much more. Identify the symptoms and an explanation of what they really are, and what to do next.

Uncover child-specific anxiety disorders. Does your child exhibit behaviors that seem out of character or that you can’t explain? Identify what symptoms you need to look out for, and what characteristics can point towards anxiety issues in your child.

You’ll finally experience the confidence of knowing that panic and anxiety don’t have to embarrass you any longer… no more having to explain to your spouse or friends why you “just don’t feel well”… no more sweaty hands, tight chest, dizzy spells and “gross” days when you just wish you could hide under the covers and close all the doors and escape your crippling fears!

With your life free from crippling anxiety, you’ll have more energy … feel healthier … and look and feel your best! Having a panic disorder takes over your life and diverts important resources to calming and soothing you, resources that you could use to do much more enjoyable things like going for a walk, playing with your children, or simply enjoying life!

You’re about to discover everything that you need to get effective relief from the suffering of panic attacks…

My advice isn’t trying to substitute the advice of a medical professional, and I don’t want it to. In fact, you should always seek diagnosis from a medical professional if you are not sure, but my ebook is here to present to you the alternatives open to you in your management of your anxiety as well as your future happiness.

In fact, this book will empower you to go to your health professional with concrete facts, lifestyle plans, and alternatives that really work, and the ability to make an informed decision that takes into account a range of different treatments and points of view, not just one “miracle” technique or action.

The less you know, the more vulnerable you’ll be to being “bullied” into using a treatment that may not even work. Take charge of your own anxiety and future happiness and get all the necessary secrets, not just one, your way!

Before Continuing, Let Me Ask You This…

Have a think to yourself: what would it be worth to you to have this area of your life dramatically and emphatically improved for the better?

What if you could have consistent confidence and self-assurance, free of the embarrassment and fear of future panic attacks for the rest of your life?

Imagine having the ability to have the feeling of positivity you always wanted, the confidence of being able to do anything that you set your mind to. Imagine having the confidence to live your life in confidence, secure in the knowledge that you will never again be affected by the fear, discomfort, and embarrassment of panic attacks. Imagine waking up each morning and never feeling the constant nausea or racing heartbeat of an oncoming panic attack again! How does that sound?

Personally, I value that above the value of anything. I’m serious.

To be completely satisfied with your life, I believe you need to have the security of self-confidence and peace of mind. And this is every bit as important as other areas of you life such as your career and relationships, maybe even more so. This is something that can affect your entire life.

Besides, if you don’t get it right the result could be your long-term health!

But you don’t have to worry about that or put up with it a moment longer because the Panic & Anxiety Gone ebook isn’t even $200, in fact it’s not even $150.

Not $100.

Not even $80.

You can get your hands on the amazing Panic & Anxiety Gone ebook for a super-low $49.95

What would you rather fix… the racing heartbeats, sweating, and trembling in your current anxiety episode? Or have panic-free confidence and happiness of knowing the attacks won’t happen again for the rest of your life?

And It Is 100% Guaranteed to Work!

Your Panic & Anxiety Gone Course purchase is fully covered by a personal, risk-free, no questions asked 8-week 100% money-back GUARANTEE if you are not satisfied for any reason, or if it doesn’t live up to your expectations.

That’s right! Take up to 56 days to examine and use my 4-Step Holistic System, including my 10-Step Panic Prevention Plan to stop your panic attacks now, plus the 5-Step Anxiety Management Plan to prevent anxiety and restore peacefulness to your life in the long-term, plus the comprehensive list of effective holistic natural remedies and techniques. Apply them to your situation. Once you have used this course to find new ways of treating and managing anxiety and panic attacks in your everyday life, I’m confident that you’ll NEVER want to send it back!

Take action now and download your copy of Pain and Anxiety Gone and gain the confidence and knowledge of how to safely and effectively manage the embarrassment and suffering of panic attacks from your life forever!

You’ll be astonished at the results! And that’s a promise.

What are you waiting for? You have nothing to lose…and a panic-free life to enjoy.

P.S. If you don’t make this decision now, when and how will you finally overcome the barrier of your anxiety and change your life? This one is a no-brainer thanks to our 100% Total Satisfaction, No Questions Asked 8-Week Guarantee. You have no risk, so download now.

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Thanks to this powerful information, thousands of people worldwide have been successful managing their panic and anxiety, and eliminated panic attacks for good!

“Hi Edward, I wanted to write you and let you know how grateful I am to you for sharing your personal experiences with us all. It’s not easy being open about anxiety disorders – they’re so misunderstood, it’s never easy to be open about it. You’ve really helped me Edward, it’s great to have so much information all in one book. All my questions have been answered even before I knew I needed to ask them! I found it really helpful just to hear that someone else had the same issues as me, and managed to actually get through them. You’re an inspiration.” — W. Worthington (Cambridge, Vermont)

“Ever since my first panic attack, my life and self confidence have been in tatters. I’ve been pretty depressed over the last year or so – I knew that what I was having were panic attacks, but nobody I knew understood what it was like and all I kept hearing was “it’s all in your head”. Yes, it WAS all in my head, but that doesn’t make the slightest bit of difference! I needed some real techniques for dealing with the problem, not to be told to deal with it and pull myself together! Well your book is just what the doctor ordered. I’ve now found a psychotherapist – thanks to your tips on finding one, what to look for, and what to expect – and we’re working together on solving my problem. I’m just so relieved to be able to do something to help myself, instead of just gritting my teeth and enduring. I feel better already!” — Melissa G.(Albermarle, Louisiana)

“When I bought this book, the most I was hoping for was a temporary respite from panic attacks as and when they occurred. I never would have thought that I’d be well on the road to a complete, all-round recovery!! But here I am, I’m so much better already, and it’s been less than two months since I first opened your book. I’ve been forced to take a real look at my life and at what might be causing me to be so anxious all the time. I’m now a much happier, more relaxed, and spontaneous person. I even went on a date the other night – something I haven’t dared to do for a whole year! You will never know how grateful I am. I hope everyone out there who suffers from panic attacks finds and reads this book!” B. Dollarhyde (Newark, New Jersey)

“Hi Edward, Well your book certainly opened my eyes! I’ve always been pretty cynical about holistic therapies. When I first found your ebook, I’m ashamed to say that my initial reaction was pretty contemptuous – since when have deep-breathing exercises ever REALLY helped anyone overcome panic attacks or anxiety disorders, I thought? Well, I’m glad to say that now I know different.  I’ve used your tips on psychotherapy, medications, AND holistic therapy to heal myself of panic attacks, and – although I’m still far from perfect – the improvement I’ve experienced already is incredibly heartening. For the first time in many years, I actually feel hopeful about the future: your book’s a truly valuable resource for anyone suffering from anxiety disorders. Thanks for turning me around on this issue, and proving to me that a closed mind is no way to treat anxiety disorders!” — John Bates (Big Four, West Virginia)

“Hi Edward, before reading your book I was pretty much an emotional and social leper. I lived alone in my little studio flat, had arranged to work from home, had almost no friends, and NEVER left the house. I can see now just how unhealthy that kind of lifestyle is. Believe me, at the time, I wanted to change things too, but I just didn’t know how! Now I do, and I’m no longer as afraid to go out into the world and live my life as I used to be. I still get nervous, but I’m slowly learning not to let that stop me from enjoying my life. The first step was to start working part time in the office again, which might not sound like much to people who don’t know what anxiety disorders are like – but since your book is based on your own real-life experiences, I know you’ll understand just how exciting it is to be moving forwards again. Thank you, thank you, thank you Edward” — Daniele S. (Charlotte, Maine)

“If anyone had told me just six weeks ago that I’d be almost completely cured of my panic disorder by now, I’d probably have slapped them in the face – I don’t take kindly to people joking about such a horrible condition, and there’s no way they could have been telling the truth (or so I thought). But after reading through your book, I’m just amazed at the depth and breadth of knowledge covered, and with so many practical techniques for overcoming the problem! It’s amazing, I can’t believe how much better I am. Thanks so much Edward.” — Susan J (Garden City, Colorado)

“I just wanted to write a heartfelt THANK YOU for your advice on treating panic attacks. Ever since I was a teenager I’ve been suffering on and off from these horrible, heart-palpitating “terror fits” (as I privately called them, not knowing what they actually were!). The only person I ever told was my dad, whose response was pretty much to “just get over it” …. After hearing that, I decided to never tell anyone else about my problem, ever. But since I stumbled across your book, it’s literally changed my life. I now have the confidence to address my problem, am no longer ashamed of it, and have actually got up the nerve to attend my first psychotherapy session! Thank you so much Edward, you’ll never know what an impact your book’s had on my life.” — Dave Newman(Austin, Texas, USA)

“Edward, it’s such a relief to hear somebody advocating the benefits of “alternative” therapies as well as the usual prescription meds and psychotherapy. I don’t like the idea of filling my body up with pills and potions, and the idea of telling a complete stranger about my personal problems didn’t really appeal to me personally either, but it was getting to the point that I no longer knew what to do – social phobia (as I know now it’s called) is no joke, and I really just wanted to be able to live a normal life. I was beginning to wonder whether I shouldn’t rethink my convictions about prescriptions! Then I read what you had to say about holistic therapies, and decided to give it a shot. I now attend reiki sessions every two weeks, have taken up hatha yoga, and practice my breathing techniques religiously whenever I feel my palms start to get sweaty. I can’t believe how much it’s all helped – I love it that you’ve provided me with knowledge about body/mind therapies, as well as traditional cures. Thanks heaps. You’re a star!” — Flo Van der Lorien (Saint Croix Falls, Wisconsin)

“Your book changed my life. I have been a panic attack sufferer for 8 years and thanks to your book it has opened doors to a new found confidence. Now I really think I can beat this! I can’t thank you enough for taking me by the hand and giving me my life back. Thanks.” — Liz Wolff (Prospect, Georgia)

From: Edward Golding Date: March 01, 2020

Dear Friend,

I’m Edward Golding. I’m a former chronic panic attack sufferer, so I know first-hand how disrupting and crippling anxiety attacks can be. I’m here to help you cure your anxiety issues using what may well be the most powerful panic attack cure system that exists.

Firstly, you should know that there is a lot of BAD advice going around on the internet about how to treat anxiety and panic attacks. Many treatments that people suggest are not effective, accurate, nor are they safe. In fact, some websites claim that they can fix your anxiety and cure you of future panic attacks in one step! Let’s face it, if panic attacks were that simple to cure, you wouldn’t still be looking for help!

If you suffer from panic attacks and want your life back… if you’re tired of trying pills, potions, and lotions that merely mask the problem, but don’t cure it, and if you’d like to cure your panic attacks once and for all, as safely, naturally, and as effectively as possible… then please read the rest of this web page – you are missing out on extremely valuable information if you don’t.

I want to share with you my unique, well-researched and proven 4-Step Holistic System, so that you can overcome panic attacks in the safest and most effective way possible, while minimizing the risk of recurring attacks.

But First, I Want You to Consider These Questions…

Do you want to overcome your anxiety fears and get back to the full health and vitality that you used to have?

Do you want to stop the dizzy spells, racing heart, nausea and tingling of an oncoming panic attack?

Do you want to overcome your fears and social phobias and enjoy your friends and social life again?

Do you want to understand and cure unusual compulsions and unwanted thoughts that you can’t explain?

Are you frustrated that many of the anxiety medications offered don’t do the job as effectively as they should?

Do you want to explore your options and alternatives before you resort to drugs in treating your anxiety disorder?

Are you sick of the side-effects of the many pills and potions you are taking? Do you wish there were other things you could do to manage your condition?

Do you miss having the confidence that comes from being anxiety and panic attack-free?

Do you know what alternative lifestyle, homeopathic, and medical options exist for managing and overcoming anxiety attacks?

Do you want to stop getting recurring panic attacks that are destroying your family life, career, and even your future happiness?

Do you want to know more about other types of treatments including acupuncture, EFT, Tai Chi, and Gemstone Therapy?

Do you want to know how key exercise and diet changes can affect the way your body responds to stress?

If you answered “YES” to any of these questions, this book is really going to help you. If you are suffering from any of the symptoms above and have really had enough of feeling this way, you have come to the right place – You really can eliminate all of the above problems and I’m about to let you in on my secret method…

Before You Go On… Sign Up to My FREE “Stop Panic” Newsletter Series!

I believe that we have an obligation to one another to share helpful information that could enable us to live healthier, happier, longer lives. That’s why I created my newsletter series!

I want to share with you some of the information I have gained through my years in researching this subject. I’ve not just gone to panic and anxiety sufferers to find out how they manage their anxiety and panic attacks the natural way; I’ve also gone to the formal medical literature on the subject, scientists, herbalists, homeopaths, and more, in order to get a complete picture of what people are saying about anxiety and panic attacks and what really works.

I designed my newsletter series to help clear up the misconceptions about anxiety and panic attacks and give you the plain and simple truth without wading through the sea of information out there!

So if you are suffering from anxiety or panic attacks, or simply want to know more about this condition that afflicts so many, sign up to my free newsletter series below.

This is a private mailing list and it will never be sold or given away for any reason. Believe me, I hate spam as much as you do!

Before getting on to the remedy, you should consider the following…

How Did People Treat Anxiety and Panic Attacks Before Miracle Pills and 10-Second One-Step Cures?

Every year, over 40 million Americans suffer from anxiety-related disorders, and most are looking for effective ways to manage their fears and live a normal and care-free life…

...But the first thing most of them recognize is that an anxiety disorder is a serious affliction, and that any approach to managing and minimizing panic attacks needs to be both carefully considered and carefully implemented. People that tell you they can cure your panic attacks in just seconds or moments are just as bad as those who tell you that you simply need to pull yourself together. It’s just not that simple.

It’s crazy! You can spend years treating the symptoms at the pop of a pill, pressure on a reflexology point, or a positive affirmation, without actually treating the panic attack and the lifestyle triggers that are causing it!

These revolutionists ONLY TREAT THE SYMPTOMS, not the causes, and the side effects may be creating new problems and making you feel worse, and yet you keep spending the money!

This means that while you may cure the symptoms of your panic attacks for a while, without getting to the root cause it’s just going to keep on coming back again… and again… and again.

And each time you have another attack, it may be getting even worse and harder to live with…

But When I Think About It, It All Makes Sense…

If you knew that a 10-second miracle technique could cure your panic attacks forever, would you be interested? Sure!

But what if you knew that it was ineffective in delivering the promise that it would give you anxiety-free confidence for the rest of your life! Would you feel ripped off?

This is what made me so angry and what sparked me to spend years conducting my own research to find out exactly how people for centuries have been dealing with stress and managing their anxiety. During my research, I found a range of highly effective techniques and methods, which I’ve put together into 4 Step System that I guarantee will give you panic attack-free confidence or your money back. But first you should be aware that…

You Can’t Afford NOT To Hear the Truth!

An anxiety problem left untreated can quickly grow into a life problem of unsustainable proportions.

Imagine living in constant fear of a panic attack, so severe that you can’t continue in your job anymore, can’t maintain relationships or friendships, and your world is getting smaller and smaller…

The very pain and suffering you are trying to escape from is becoming your everyday reality! You are living your worst nightmare!

And all from not managing and treating your anxiety disorder properly and effectively!

**You Need Safe Effective Results NOW**

Using the advice and knowledge passed on by generations of anxiety and panic attack sufferers before me, modern medical research, and studies on the effects of modern lifestyles and stress on our nervous systems, I developed a 4-Step System that has changed the lives of over 2,000 people and can work wonders for you. You can naturally help your body and mind overcome panic attacks on its own, without having to resort to medication … and keep it from coming back!

It’s time to take control of your own health and happiness and learn how to use the management techniques that my 4-Step Holistic System has available for you!

My 4-Step Holistic Panic Attack Management System

Curing your panic attacks and restoring your confidence and vitality is not as easy as it sounds and DEFINITELY not as simple as the so-called experts tell you it will be.

There is much more to it than simply treating the symptoms of panic attacks.

You need to find the triggers that can cause your panic attacks to happen in the first place.

You need to understand how your parasympathetic nervous system reacts to stress situations… and how it keeps you in check naturally.

You need to take control of stress and anxiety by identifying its root causes – its food sources – and eliminate the very sources that are feeding your anxiety.

This is why my holistic 4-Step System of action is much more effective.

It deals with the many crucial holistic lifestyle and emotional factors that will stop panic attacks in their tracks, rather than merely masking the problem (which is what all these miracle cures and one-step techniques do). To effectively cure yourself from panic attacks, you need to explore every factor that is contributing to your anxiety reaction, not just one. And that’s specifically what my 4-Step Holistic System does.

I’ve got the 4 Steps you need to get relief fast and prevent panic attacks from coming back… and that’s not all!

Inside you’ll learn:

Discover exactly how to stop your panic attack as it is happening. Discover my 10-Point Panic Prevention Plan, the fastest and safest way to overcome your current panic attack as it is happening. I show it to you here!

How many anti-panic methods and theories are incredibly misleading! Find out why they are and why you need a more balanced approach to your anxiety management.

Why stress is a key component in anxiety, and how we are living with more stress now than ever. Discover techniques for understanding and channeling your stress and belief system.

You will find out how to get rid of that persistent feeling of general anxiety in the pit of your stomach, even if you don’t think it’s an anxiety attack. You won’t find this information anywhere else!

Learn how to diagnose a panic attack and identify the underlying conditions that can mimic them. Even when it feels like you are sure it’s a panic attack that you are experiencing, find out for sure and deal with it.

My secret “4-Step Holistic System” to

completely eradicate

your panic attack and its triggers from your life… forever!

My 5-Point Anxiety Management Plan to deal with the root causes of anxiety and face a future of supreme confidence and self-assurance.

Discover if you are predisposed to anxiety. There may be a combination of inherited genes and learned behaviors that make you more susceptible to anxiety than others. Find out what these are.

How your diet and lifestyle can contribute to your stress and anxiety. Identify the list of actions/behaviors that anxiety feeds on!

Vitamin supplements that can minimize the stress and anxiety in your body! Identify what these key supplements are and what foods they are present in.

Dietary do’s and don’ts. Find out what immediate changes you can make to your diet to start feeling better immediately. You will be amazed at how fast you start feeling more healthy and confident!

Relaxation techniques that are essential to helping you manage the stress in your life. Try one or two… or try them all! You will be amazed at your body’s ability to process and release stress calmly and smoothly!

Herbal teas and supplements that can induce calmness and relaxation. Harness the power of herbal infusions and generations-old remedies that are proven to assist as we list and describe the qualities and properties of each herbal supplement and tonic. It’s all here!

You’ll learn everything I’ve learnt in my years of researching what it really takes to cure anxiety and prevent panic attacks… many of these things people were doing long before the so called experts sold their “one-step” cures… backed up by solid medical justification.

Find out what is right and wrong with the various treatment options available and what to expect from a psychotherapist. Learn more right here!

What to do if you can’t afford medication. Find out what options are available to you and how you can best manage your anxiety the affordable way.

You’ll also find out a lot more about all the different types of panic disorders, including agoraphobia, specific phobias, generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, and much more. Identify the symptoms and an explanation of what they really are, and what to do next.

Uncover child-specific anxiety disorders. Does your child exhibit behaviors that seem out of character or that you can’t explain? Identify what symptoms you need to look out for, and what characteristics can point towards anxiety issues in your child.

You’ll finally experience the confidence of knowing that panic and anxiety don’t have to embarrass you any longer… no more having to explain to your spouse or friends why you “just don’t feel well”… no more sweaty hands, tight chest, dizzy spells and “gross” days when you just wish you could hide under the covers and close all the doors and escape your crippling fears!

With your life free from crippling anxiety, you’ll have more energy … feel healthier … and look and feel your best! Having a panic disorder takes over your life and diverts important resources to calming and soothing you, resources that you could use to do much more enjoyable things like going for a walk, playing with your children, or simply enjoying life!

You’re about to discover everything that you need to get effective relief from the suffering of panic attacks…

My advice isn’t trying to substitute the advice of a medical professional, and I don’t want it to. In fact, you should always seek diagnosis from a medical professional if you are not sure, but my ebook is here to present to you the alternatives open to you in your management of your anxiety as well as your future happiness.

In fact, this book will empower you to go to your health professional with concrete facts, lifestyle plans, and alternatives that really work, and the ability to make an informed decision that takes into account a range of different treatments and points of view, not just one “miracle” technique or action.

The less you know, the more vulnerable you’ll be to being “bullied” into using a treatment that may not even work. Take charge of your own anxiety and future happiness and get all the necessary secrets, not just one, your way!

Before Continuing, Let Me Ask You This…

Have a think to yourself: what would it be worth to you to have this area of your life dramatically and emphatically improved for the better?

What if you could have consistent confidence and self-assurance, free of the embarrassment and fear of future panic attacks for the rest of your life?

Imagine having the ability to have the feeling of positivity you always wanted, the confidence of being able to do anything that you set your mind to. Imagine having the confidence to live your life in confidence, secure in the knowledge that you will never again be affected by the fear, discomfort, and embarrassment of panic attacks. Imagine waking up each morning and never feeling the constant nausea or racing heartbeat of an oncoming panic attack again! How does that sound?

Personally, I value that above the value of anything. I’m serious.

To be completely satisfied with your life, I believe you need to have the security of self-confidence and peace of mind. And this is every bit as important as other areas of you life such as your career and relationships, maybe even more so. This is something that can affect your entire life.

Besides, if you don’t get it right the result could be your long-term health!

But you don’t have to worry about that or put up with it a moment longer because the Panic & Anxiety Gone ebook isn’t even $200, in fact it’s not even $150.

Not $100.

Not even $80.

You can get your hands on the amazing Panic & Anxiety Gone ebook for a super-low $49.95

What would you rather fix… the racing heartbeats, sweating, and trembling in your current anxiety episode? Or have panic-free confidence and happiness of knowing the attacks won’t happen again for the rest of your life?

And It Is 100% Guaranteed to Work!

Your Panic & Anxiety Gone Course purchase is fully covered by a personal, risk-free, no questions asked 8-week 100% money-back GUARANTEE if you are not satisfied for any reason, or if it doesn’t live up to your expectations.

That’s right! Take up to 56 days to examine and use my 4-Step Holistic System, including my 10-Step Panic Prevention Plan to stop your panic attacks now, plus the 5-Step Anxiety Management Plan to prevent anxiety and restore peacefulness to your life in the long-term, plus the comprehensive list of effective holistic natural remedies and techniques. Apply them to your situation. Once you have used this course to find new ways of treating and managing anxiety and panic attacks in your everyday life, I’m confident that you’ll NEVER want to send it back!

Take action now and download your copy of Pain and Anxiety Gone and gain the confidence and knowledge of how to safely and effectively manage the embarrassment and suffering of panic attacks from your life forever!

You’ll be astonished at the results! And that’s a promise.

What are you waiting for? You have nothing to lose…and a panic-free life to enjoy.

P.S. If you don’t make this decision now, when and how will you finally overcome the barrier of your anxiety and change your life? This one is a no-brainer thanks to our 100% Total Satisfaction, No Questions Asked 8-Week Guarantee. You have no risk, so download now.