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minijenn · 5 years

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Universe Falls Chapter 62

Ha ha! I ended up finishing the chapter tonight after all! And imo its a pretty fun one. Lots of good humor and junk in it lol. Anyway, I don’t have a ton to say about it, so yeah, enjoy!

Previous: http://minijenn.tumblr.com/post/180780954209/universe-falls-chapter-61

Chapter 62: To Con a Clod

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Garnet’s heavy pounding on the bathroom door echoed throughout the entire shack, her angry demands for the green Gem holed up inside of it reverberating just as much if not moreso. “Open the door, Peridot!” she shouted impatiently, Pearl and Amethyst hanging close by her to offer their support in this interrogation. “If this ‘Cluster’ is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it!”

“NO!” Peridot protested angrily on the other side of the door. “I hate you! And I’m not telling you anything about the Cluster!”

“Aw, man!” Mabel frowned as her and Dipper hung back a big, observing the ongoing unsuccessful exchange. “And I really thought she’d tell us this time too!”

“Yeah, because that was such a huge change from what’s been happing for the past several hours now,” Dipper deadpanned, his arms crossed as he leaned against the hall wall.

“Oh, come on!” Amethyst groaned, exasperated. “Is it like… a big hunk of… granola?”

“…What’s ‘granola’?” Peridot asked, obviously confused.

“Delicious, but only when you pour a bunch of other stuff into it and serve it as part of a balanced breakfast!” Mabel called, ignoring her brother rolling his eyes beside her.

“I’m sure the Cluster isn’t granola,” Pearl interjected rationally as she tapped on the door much more calmly. “Now, Peridot, I’m sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order?”

“Oh sure,” the green Gem remarked callously. “Why don’t you just give me back my limb enhancers and my arm attachments with screen and my log and all my information? Oh wait! You destroyed them! So, no, I don’t think we can reach some sort of ‘agreement’!”

The Gems all let out a collective groan at this, their ongoing efforts to get Peridot to so much as even hint at what the Cluster might be still completely for naught. For as loudmouthed and arrogant as the green Gem was, she as just as equally stubborn, to say the least. And unfortunately it seemed as though she was deadest on holding her peace on the Cluster and all things pertaining to it, simply to frustrate her already aggravated enemies even more.

“Ugh… how are we ever supposed to get her talk?” Amethyst asked, plopping down to the ground in defeat. “She’ll run her dumb mouth about how much she hates us and wants us dead, so why not this stupid Cluster thing too? It’s not like we’re not gonna find out eventually, right?”

“Perhaps I could be of some assistance?” Ford interupted as he made his way upstairs to the group. “I am versed in quite a few different interdimensional interrogation methods, so hopefully one of those is bound to work on Peridot.”

“Go ahead, give it a shot,” Garnet said as she stepped aside, clearly ready to try just about anything at that point.

The author nodded, clearing his throat as he approached the door and gave it a steady knock. “Alright, now listen, Peridot,” he began firmly. “Because I’m going to be absolutely honest with you. As it stands, you’re stranded here on Earth, with no way of returning to your home planet or contact anyone there for assistance. Your weapons and technology have all been disposed of and as you’ve said so yourself countless times now, you’re more or less our captive now. And though we’re not fond of the idea of stooping to such a low level, you should know that we have ways of making you talk.”

“Oh yeah?” Peridot asked, blatantly unconcerned as she leaned against the other side of the door. “What are you gonna do? Shatter me? Ha!”

“…I-if that’s what it takes then… y-yes, yes we will!” Ford countered as gruffly as he could manage, though it was rather apparent he hadn’t expected Peridot to be so unphased by his initial threats.

“Whoa, dude, isn’t that a little… dark?” Amethyst asked, raising an eyebrow at the author.

“W-well, we do want her to tell us what this Cluster is, don’t we?” Ford remarked, slamming his hand against the door more threateningly this time in another attempt at scaring Peridot. “So if she won’t cooperate when asked, then maybe we’ll just have to resort to more… harsher methods…”

Upon hearing this, the green Gem did flinch away from the door out of slight fear, only to jump in full fear at the loud sound of flushing behind her. “Oops! Sorry, Peridot,” Steven apologized as he finished washing his hands at the sink. “I didn’t mean to scare you! Good news is you can finally turn around now. Oh, and don’t worry, we’re not gonna shatter you. I promise.”

“Hm…” Peridot mused, scowling at the young Gem distrustfully as he stepped out into the hallway to join the others.

“Uh… sorry for interrupting your interrogation,” Steven said to the Gems and Ford as he met their wondering glances.

“Don’t worry about it, Steven,” Garnet assured as the young Gem joined the twins in watching from the sidelines.

“Its not like they were really getting anywhere with it anyway, to be honest,” Dipper remarked with a frown.

“But we’re close!” Pearl protested resiliently. “I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now!”

“I’ll never crack for the likes of you, y-you… CRYSTAL CLODS!” Peridot shouted fiercely from the other side of the door before letting out a smug, triumphant snicker.

“Ugh…” Pearl growled, frustrated by the green Gem’s stubborn resistance and petty insults. “I’ve got your ‘clods’ right here, you little-!”

“Hold on, Pearl,” Garnet cut in, grabbing the white Gem’s raised, tightened fist. “This isn’t going to work. And neither is threatening to shatter her, which we’re not going to do by the way,” she said to Ford, who simply glanced away somewhat sheepishly at his own failed attempts at negotiation. “If she’s not going to be of any help, then I say we investigate this Cluster situation on our own.”

“Hey, yeah! That’s a great idea!” Mabel chimed in enthusiastically.

“Well, its definitely a better one than trying to get any answers out of the ‘bathroom queen’ over there,” Dipper remarked, nodding to the bathroom door as Peridot apparently broke something else inside of the room with a noisy crash.

“Yeah, and we can come with you!” Steven volunteered himself and the twins, only to be shut down by Ford.

“Actually, children, it’d probably be for the best if you stayed here,” the author said with a reasonable smile. “After all, somebody needs to keep an eye on our… guest… while we’re gone…” His smile was quick to disappear as he cast a brief, cold glare towards the bathroom door, aimed for the bothersome green Gem just on the other side of it.

“Aw, really?” Dipper asked, disappointed. “We have to stay behind to look after her again?”

“What if she busts out again?” Mabel spoke up with a genuine concern. “Like last time!”

“Hm… good point…” Pearl mused thoughtfully. “One of us should probably stay back to supervise…”

“Oh, I am totally on top of that, P!” Amethyst readily volunteered, not even hesitating for a single beat. “I’ll hang out here while you guys go off lookin’ clues or whatever, while me and these dorks here make sure that P-Dot doesn’t try anything.”

“Now, Amethyst, this is a serious responsibility we’re talking about here,” Garnet admonished firmly. “Which means you have to be serious about too.”

“Aw, come on, Garnet, who do you know that’s more serious than me?” Amethyst asked with a sly grin.

“…You don’t want me to answer that.”

“Well, hopefully you won’t have too much to worry about,” Pearl remarked, even though her tone made it clear she was apprehensive about leaving Amethyst behind with the kids herself. “Peridot’s harmless without her limb enhancers.”

“I AM NOT HARMLESS!” Peridot snapped fiercely from inside the bathroom.

“Oh, hush up!” Pearl countered back just as harshly.

“Now, Dipper, Mabel, Steven, be sure to keep a close eye on her,” Ford advised as him, Garnet, and Pearl began to take their leave to begin their investigation. “There’s no telling what she’s capable of, especially considering the fact that one of her previous strategies involved collaborating with Bill Cipher.”

“She also tore the heads off of all the stuffed animals I tried giving to her,” Mabel pointed out, pouting. “So yeah, she’s one naughty little Dotty. Oh! I should call her that until she decides to behave!”

“Don’t you already have enough nicknames for her, Mabel?” Dipper asked caustically.

“Nope!” Mabel shook her head blithely. “Besides, she likes them. Isn’t that right, Straw-Peri!”

“No, it most certainly is NOT!” Peridot protested crossly, pounding her fist against the bathroom door.

“…Anyway…” Pearl continued after a beat of awkward silence. “We’d best be on our way. Take care, kids! And please, Amethyst, try to be responsible about this, alright?”

“Aye aye, ‘captain’,” Amethyst said, offering the white Gem a clearly playful salute.

“…I have a bad feeling about this…” the white Gem muttered as she began to make her way down the stairs, Ford following not too far behind.

“You and me both…” the author noted fretfully under his breath. “Perhaps we should hold onto that potential shattering plan. Just in case…”

“Hm… you know, it could make a possibly viable plan b…” Pearl agreed quietly, stealing a glance back at the bathroom before it was entirely out of sight. “I-if we absolutely need it that is.”

“Alright, that’s enough murder conspiracy out of you two,” Garnet asserted firmly as she nodded them off to head up to the temple. “Let’s get going. Oh! And Steven, Dipper, Mabel, there’s one more thing I have to mention to you three.”

“What is it?” Steven asked curiously.

Garnet simply smiled as she turned to face the trio briefly, forming a heart shape with her hands as a form of a fond farewell. “I love you. Bye!”

“Byeeeee!” Mabel called out after the trio with a cheerful wave as Steven simply blushed and waved the Gem leader’s warm sentiments bashfully. Dipper was still rather focused on keeping a careful eye on the bathroom door to pay the departing trio too much mind, while Amethyst simply leaned against the nearby wall, keeping up a front of diligence. That is, until the moment she heard the shack’s front door close behind Garnet, Pearl, and Ford.

Because as soon as it did, a broad smirk filled out across the purple Gem’s face as she properly stood, stretching briefly before she began to walk past the kids, her manner as casual and calm as ever. “Well, that’s that,” she remarked with an easy shrug. “If you need me, I’ll be sleeping up in the sascrotch display in the museum. Dude’s surprisingly comfy despite the old cat hair Stan used to make ‘im.”

“Wait, what?” Dipper interjected, confused. “Amethyst, you can’t leave! You’re supposed to be helping us keep an eye on Peridot!”

“Eh, you guys got that covered,” the purple Gem said with an unconcerned wave of her hand as she began to make her way downstairs to the den. The kids exchanged a baffled glance for a brief moment before unanimously agreeing to follow her, curious as to her rather strange motives and intentions.

“Um… so why’d you volunteer to stay here?” Steven asked as the purple Gem launched herself onto the couch. “You could have gone with Garnet, Pearl, and Mr. Ford. I’m sure they would have appreciated your help!”

“Ugh, and listen to Pearl and Ford nerd out about every tiny thing they see?” Amethyst rolled her eyes. “No thanks.”

“Hey, kids,” Stan greeted with a casual grin as he entered the room, a cup of hot coffee in hand. “What’s the word?”

“The word,” the purple Gem replied just as coolly as she reclined back on the couch. “Is nerd.”

“Oh, you mean like Pearl and Ford?” the conman asked knowingly. “Cause they’re just about two of the biggest nerds I’ve ever seen. Come to think of it, this one’s a pretty big nerd too,” Stan nodded over to Dipper before teasingly ruffling his hair up a bit as Amethyst chuckled from her spot on the couch.

“Hey!” Dipper protested, offended as he readjusted his hat and sent the laughing pair a frustrated glare.

“And don’t even get me started on that noisy green munchkin holed up in the bathroom,” Stan continued, hands on his hips. “It’s like we got a surplus of annoying know-it-alls around here! Speaking of which, Amethyst, are you finally gonna kick that punk outta here or am I gonna have to do it myself?”

“Aw, sorry, Stan,” Amethyst smirked as she sat up a bit. “As much as I’d love to throw Peridot off the shack’s roof and watch her freak out all the way till she hits the ground, I kinda can’t. Garnet and Pearl would totally freak if I let her out.”

“Yeah, and not to mention we need her to tell us what that Cluster thing is,” Steven pointed out with a frown. “The only problem is… she really doesn’t wanna tell us anything about it, no matter how many times we ask.”

“So that’s why you’re letting her shack up in our bathroom?” Stan asked, raising an incredulous eyebrow. “Cause she knows something you don’t? Pfft, please, how is this even a problem? Have ya seen that tiny twerp? She’s so short a strong breeze could knock her over. If asking her isn’t working, then you gotta force her to tell you want to hear.”

“Well, its not like we haven’t threatened her over and over… and over… and over…” Dipper said, rather exasperated. “And none of them ever seem to get to her at all.”

“Yeah, Peri’s just a tough nut to crack!” Mabel chimed in. “She wouldn’t budge even after I knit her this adorable sweater. Its her favorite color and everything!” At this, she held up said sweater, a bright green, cozy-looking number with a miniature version of Peridot’s usually scowling face stitched into it. “I don’t know why it didn’t work. I’d be all over a sweater like this if someone offered it to me…”

“Hm…” Stan largely ignored his niece as he sat down on the edge of the couch, apparently deep in pondering over something.

“Whoa, you’re over there thinkin’ sorta hard, huh?” Amethyst asked with a wry grin. “Heh, don’t tell me you’re actually trying to come up with a plan to help us get answers out of Peridot… are you?”

“Well, its not so much as a plan as its something you guys should have thought of a long time ago since its so obvious,” the conman deadpanned. “If you really want ol’ greenie to spill the beans on this ‘Cluster’ thing, then you gotta scam it out of her.”

“Scam?” All three of the kids asked in confused unison, though Amethyst simply let out a knowing chuckle upon hearing such a thought.

“Now there’s a good idea for a change,” she remarked. “Which is why I can’t believe you thought of it, Stan.”

“Hey! I come up with good ideas all the time!” the conman retorted defensively. “Like…. Like that time I… uh… w-well how about… oh, um…. Well, there was that one time I… um… l-like I said, I come up with plenty of good ideas, I just… c-can’t think of any right now!”

“Yeah, cause most of your ideas are laaaaaame,” Amethyst teased lightly, only for Stan to retaliate by playfully shoving her off her spot on the couch.

“So… what do you mean we should ‘scam’ Peridot?” Steven spoke up, still not following.

“I mean we gotta pull a fast one on her,” Stan smirked somewhat deviously. “We gotta pull the wool over her eyes, call her bluff, trip her up, hustle her, swindle her, hoodwink her, but above all else, we gotta con her. And fortunately for you,” the conman’s sly smile widened as he boldly stood. “You’ve got a bona-fide, class a, top of the line conman right here who knows all the tricks of the trade.”

“Really?” Mabel asked with immense interest. “And who might that be?”

“…Me, pumpkin, I’m talking about me,” Stan said after a bout of awkward silence. “Now come on. Let’s go fleece ourselves a rube.”

“Whatever that means,” Dipper said, exchanging an uncertain glance with Steven and Mabel. All the same, the kids and Amethyst followed the conman as he headed for the bathroom, pounding on the door and keeping up a front of almost professional stoicism all the while.

“Hey, open up, ya gremlin,” Stan called to the green Gem inside. “We need to have a little… chat.”

“No,” Peridot refuted staunchly. “I will not chat with any of the likes of you lowly humans. Now leave me alone!”

“Yeah, ok, go ahead and keep being stubborn like that,” the conman replied, unconcerned as he dug around in his pockets for something. “I’ll just use this spare key I had Soos make for me and… there we go.” Without much of a flourish at all, Stan easily unlocked the door and opened it, revealing a completely baffled and surly Peridot sitting on the other side of it. The green Gem flinched upon seeing the group standing in the doorway, backing up to the far wall defensively as she surveyed her foes with distrustful scrutiny.

“And what do you want?” she asked Stan specifically, knowing that he had yet to really engage her like all of the others had.

“Oh, not much,” Stan shrugged nonchalantly. “Just wanted to see how much of a mess you’ve made in here and yeesh. Its even worse than I thought!” The conman threw his hands up, referencing the rather ruinous, messy state the bathroom was in thanks to Peridot’s ongoing occupancy of it. “I oughta charge you up the wazoo for all the property damage you’ve caused in here, runt.”

“…Charge me?” Peridot raised a confused eyebrow. “Like a circuit?”

“Uh, no,” the conman said as though it was obvious. “As in charge you money, duh.”

“…What is… ‘money’?” the green Gem asked, still rather bewildered.

Stan took a brief pause at this, rather dumbfounded himself before he turned to Amethyst and the kids and dropped his voice down to a discreet whisper. “What’s wrong with her? Is she stupid or somethin’?”

“Eh, sorta,” Amethyst shrugged, amused. “Its kind of a mix of that and the fact that she barely knows squat about the Earth. Girl’s fresh off Homeworld, so basically everything we got down here is all new to her.”

“Really?” the conman asked, his daring grin returning. “Oh, then this is gonna be too easy. Alright, greenie,” Stan said, turning back to face Peridot. “Since you’re gonna unfortunately be staying here for a while, why don’t I give you a bit of a rundown in ‘Earth 101’? Just to get you up to speed with how things work here.”

“Please,” Peridot scoffed, crossing her arms. “I don’t have the slightest desire to learn anything about this pathetic planet. The only thing I want is to get off of it.”

“Yeah, well, we don’t got any rockets or flying saucers lyin’ around here, so you’re just gonna have to shut up and deal with it, ok?” the conman countered just as dryly. “Now, first thing you need to know about Earth is that around here, we’re really big into the practice of ‘trading’ stuff.”

“Uh, since when we we-” Dipper attempted to interject, only for Stan to succinctly shush him to continue on in his ploy.

“Oh really?” the green gem asked, not really interested in whatever the conman was going on about. “Like what?”

“Like…. Like this pen for instance,” Stan said, pulling said pen out of his suit pocket. “I’m gonna give it to Amethyst, and in return, she’s gonna give me….” The conman trailed off, glancing over to the purple Gem expectantly in the hopes that she’d play along.

At first, Amethyst didn’t quite catch his drift, though when she did, she quickly flinched, searching around for something she could use to keep this con going. She found that in the form of Mabel’s headband, which she snatched clean off the girl’s head, much to her surprise. “Uh… this I’ll give you this hair thingy!” she exclaimed, swapping out the headband with Stan’s pen rather unceremoniously. “Um, thanks for making such a great… ‘trade’, with me, Stan… I guess…” Her fake smile disappeared as she tossed the pen over her shoulder carelessly.

“Oh wow, you really got a great deal on that headband, Mr. Pines!” Steven exclaimed in amazement.

“Tell me about it!” Mabel added, just as enthralled. “That’s one of my favorite headbands! Totally worth its weight in pens, that’s for sure.”

“So yeah, that’s how trading works,” Stan remarked to Peridot, spinning the headband around on his wrist casually. “Think you got the gist of it, greenie?”

“I…. guess?” Peridot shrugged dully. “But why are you telling me about your archaic human bartering system in the first place?”

“Because we wanna make a trade with you, kid,” Stan said, kneeling down to the green Gem’s level. “We’ll trade you whatever your weird little heart or whatever it is you have in place of a heart desires, and in exchange, you tell us about that… what was it again?” he whispered, glancing back at the kids.

“The Cluster,” Steven informed.

“Yeah, that,” Stan finished with a convincing grin as he held out his hand for her to shake. “So, what do ya say, half-pint? Do we have ourselves a deal here?”

Peridot took pause, her expression scrutinizing as she seemed to weigh the proposition the conman had just offered to her. And then, a moment or two later, a wide, sly smirk spread across her face, her manner turning almost amicable as she held her hand out a bit, though she didn’t date shake Stan’s just yet. “Alright, you ‘Stan’,” she began shrewdly. “I’ll ‘trade’ you information concerning the Cluster… if you release me from your ‘bath room’ confinement chamber and allow me to return to Homeworld unfettered!”

“Uh, yeah…” Amethyst spoke up. “We kinda can’t do that… Sorry, P-Dot.”

“But we can trade you anything else!” Mabel exclaimed with an encouraging grin. “I’ve got a whole set of sparkly markers upstairs you might like. They’re scented!”

“And I have a bunch a whole bag of fresh donuts from the Big Donut itself back up at the temple!” Steven offered just as warmly. “What about you, Dipper?”

“Oh, come on, Steven,” Dipper deadpanned, crossing his arms. “I’m not about to give her anythi—ow!” he exclaimed as Stan suddenly flicked him on the side of the head for almost ruining their ongoing scam. “Ugh, fine…” he grumbled, searching his vest pocket before finding something he wouldn’t mind parting with too much. “Um… I have a dollar?”

“I’ll take that!” Stan exclaimed, gladly swiping up the money as soon as it was offered.

“Hey! Grunkle Stan!” Dipper protested, only for the conman to lightly push him aside as he tried grabbing his money back.

“Quiet, kid, can’t you see we’re haggling here?” Stan huffed before addressing the rather impatient Peridot once again. “So, greenie, what’ll it be? You can pick from the markers, the donuts, or…” The conman paused briefly, glancing at the dollar in his hand before he neatly tucked it away into his pocket. “Yeah, just those two. Which one do ya want?”

“Hm…” Peridot took a moment to ponder this offer, not really taking it too seriously. That is, until she happened to notice Stan taking a long, calm sip out of his still-steaming mug of coffee. “What are you doing?” she asked, eyeing the mug curiously.

“Uh, what’s it look like, kid?” the conman replied, raising an eyebrow at her. “I’m drinkin’ my daily cup of coffee. It’s part of my daily balanced diet, especially when I gotta deal with annoying freaks like you.”

The green Gem largely ignored the insult, still apparently wanting to know more about the seemingly piping hot liquid the conman was consuming. “What is… ‘coffee’?”

Stan merely spit his next sip of the aforementioned beverage out upon hearing such a question, looking back to the green Gem completely baffled before dropping his voice down to a whisper aimed at Amethyst and the kids. “Well, it looks like I was right. She really is stupid.”

“No, she’s not,” Steven countered empathetically. “She just doesn’t know a lot about Earth yet.”

“Which is why we might as well teach her…” Amethyst said with a small, daring grin as an idea suddenly came to her, especially as she looked back to the conman’s coffee mug once more. Without even asking, she snatched the cup right out of Stan’s hand, ignoring his annoyed protests as she carried it over to Peridot so she could take a look at it for herself. “Coffee is this really good bean juice that humans drink so they won’t fall asleep as fast. I prefer snackin’ on the glass pots they make it in, but… eh, you might like it if you wanna… I dunno, give it a try?”

Peridot scowled distrustfully between the purple Gem and the mug she was offering to her before swiping it and sniffing it experimentally. “So… what am I supposed to do with it?”

“Just pour it down your throat hole, ya goof,” Amethyst explained, though her eyes widened in alarm as Peridot seemed to take her advice quite literally. “Uh… but maybe not that fast…” Stan and the kids watched in equal shock as the green Gem began pouring whatever coffee was left directly into her wide open mouth. And of course, the very moment it was empty, the cup slipped out of her hand, shattering onto the ground as her usual green pallor turned bright red and filled with sudden panic all at once.

“HOT!” she screamed, collapsing to her knees and pounding on the floor dramatically. “HothothothothothothotHOTHOTHOTHOT!” Peridot continued to pant wildly, trying her best to cool down as Stan and Amethyst both burst out laughing in response to her humorous outburst. The kids were all still somewhat bewildered, and even slightly concerned, until the green Gem slowly began to calm herself, her breathing slowing as her color returned to its normal verdant shade.

“So, P-Squared, what’d ya think?” Amethyst asked, still chuckling as she wrapped a playful arm around Peridot’s shoulder. “Enjoy your first taste of coffee?”

“A-are you kidding me?” Peridot asked, harsh and breathless. “That was horrid! That viscous liquid was scalding hot! I have no idea how anyone, Gem or human would willingly put such a foul substance into their body! Which is why I have to ask… do you have any more?!”

In light of her harsh initial reaction to coffee, the entire group was admittedly quite surprised to see the green Gem’s rather pleading expression for more of it. However, it was as Peridot implored them for more that Stan and Amethyst exchanged a knowing glance, both of them realizing the exact same thing at the exact same time.

In order to get what they wanted out of Peridot, they needed to find the right hook. And fortunately for them, they had just found that hook in the most unexpected of ways.

“You bet we do, greenie,” Stan remarked with a wry grin as he leaned against the bathroom wall. “I just so happen to have a whole fresh pot of joe brewin’ right downstairs. Why? Do you want some more?”

“…Y-yes?” Peridot replied somewhat cautiously. “I wouldn’t have asked for more if I didn’t want more, you simple-minded human!”

“Hey now! There’s no need to be so dang rude, Peri!” Mabel interjected, shaking her head disapprovingly. “If you want more coffee, we’ll be more than happy to give you some!”

“If-” Amethyst swiftly cut in, wisely taking advantage of the green Gem’s apparent desperation. “You tell us about the Cluster.”

Peridot’s eager expression quickly fizzled out at this, her former surliness returning in full force as she properly stood, crossing her arms and glaring away from the group. “Nice try,” she said stiffly. “Your admittedly cunning ploy nearly worked, but I’m still to smart to fall for such simple tricks. Even if your so-called ‘coffee’ is… completely irresistible…”

No one was able to hold back a groan of disappointment upon hearing the green Gem’s continued resistance, even to something as apparently foolproof as a bribe. “Aw, well,” Steven shrugged, hoping to offer the others some form of encouragement. “We tried our best, right?”

“Yeah, you did,” Peridot interupted with a smug smirk. “And your best still wasn’t good enough!” The green Gem erupted into a bout of teasing triumphant laughter, which only served to irritate her already quite vexed foes even more.

“Yeah, well, I guess that means you ain’t gettin’ anymore coffee, you little chump,” Stan remarked, taking the slightest bit of satisfaction at the green Gem’s sudden panic at such a thought.

“W-what? No!” Peridot cried, suddenly frantic. “I need more of that deliciously bitter liquid! I can already feel my energy starting to wane without it! I demand that you give me more of it immediately!”

“Dang, one cup and you’re already hooked,” Amethyst said, raising an eyebrow at the green Gem. “What a lightweight. Still, ya should have thought of that before you decided to keep being a stubborn old stick in the mud.”

Peridot let out what sounded like a mix between a whine and a growl at this as she collapsed to her knees once more, taking up a pleading stance to show just how sincere she was about this. “Please,” she begged, her eyes wide and desperate. “I must have more of that coffee substance! A-and while I still refuse to tell you anything regarding the Cluster, I… I’ll do anything else you want for it! Anything at all!”

The entire group was stunned into a bout of tentative silence at hearing the green Gem’s seemingly earnest proposal. And though it didn’t seem like there was any direct way to get the information they were seeking out of this strange new crossroad they had found themselves at, the conman was quick to figure out another way he could potentially benefit from it all the same. “Anything, huh…?”

“Steeeeeep right up, ladies and gents!” Stan proclaimed as he did one of the things he did best: rallying a crowd of unsuspecting paying customers up to the Mystery Shack’s latest attraction. An attraction that he couldn’t have thought up at a better time, given the tourist trap’s less than stellar attendance and profit figures due to the endless array of ongoing recent events. Still, the conman was certainly glad to be back in his element of scamming unsuspecting tourists through less than honest means. And of course, his latest money-making scheme was no exception to this. “Step right up to a world of wonders beyond your wildest dreams! Or should I say… something… out of this world!?”

The crowd cooed with interest upon hearing this hook, prompting Stan to continue, even as he prodded the anxiously shifting curtain behind him with his cane. “Folks, what if I told you, that right behind this curtain was a real-life, 100% genuine article alien?!” The spectators erupted into a round of eager cheers and gasps at this, murmuring amongst themselves with wonder as to what the conman might possibly reveal to them. “Hold onto your socks, everyone,” Stan’s showy grin widened as he gripped the edge of the curtain. “Because I’m about to knock them clean off… with THIS!”

With a dramatic flourish, the conman pulled away the curtain, revealing a very displeased Peridot standing behind it. The green Gem’s expression was harsh as she stood, her arms crossed and her nose turned upward as she all but ignored the awestruck crowd before her, which entirely bought the rather tawdry lore Stan had set up for her.

“Behold!” the conman exclaimed, shoving a sign that read “ALIENS ARE REAL” into the ground right beside the disgruntled green Gem. “Its… uh… P.D. the Extraterrestrial! Y-yeah, that works.”

“Ugh…” Peridot groaned bitterly, rolling her eyes at this claim. “I can’t believe I agreed to such humiliation…”

“Can you now?” Amethyst asked as she passed by, toting a full pot of freshly made coffee. The green Gem perked up instantly upon seeing it, and though she tried to hurry after Amethyst to get it, she was quickly stopped in her tracks by Stan.

“Hold your horses, greenie,” the conman whispered, scowling down at her. “You want your coffee? Then you gotta put in the work for it first. Which means, you stay put and let these losers gawk at you.”

“Hmph,” Peridot growled angrily, far from content with the arrangement she had made with Stan in order to get her hands on another cup of delicious coffee. “I would have never agreed to such ridiculous terms… if that bizarre coffee substance wasn’t so bafflingly irresistible…”

“That’s right, folks! Be amazed by the Mystery Shack’s own little green Martian!” Stan called to his still quite enthused pack of patrons. “Take your picture with her (for a modest fee), get your genuine alien tee-shirts and souvenirs!” The conman pointed over at Soos, who was manning a booth created to sell hastily-made alien merchandise, which the gullible customers were naturally eating right up.

“These shirts are far out, dudes!” Soos encouraged blithely, even if he was struggling to keep up with the high demand for them.

“And, for the right price, she’ll even offer you one of her strange alien insults!” Stan finished just as a pair of tourists curiously walked up to the unamused green Gem.

“Oh, look, honey!” the woman exclaimed to her husband with genuine delight. “Her head is so weird and triangular! I didn’t even know aliens knew about geometry like that!”

“And she’s green too, just like the aliens on TV!” the man added, reaching out towards the green Gem tentatively. “I wonder if she bites…”

“Get your filthy touch stumps away from me, you CLOD!” Peridot barked, fiercely smacking the man’s hand away before Stan quickly intervened.

“Hey, HEY!” the conman exclaimed, getting in between the green Gem and the couple before holding his hand out to the tourists expectantly. “That’ll be $10.”

As the onslaught of invested tourists continued passing through to get their excited glimpses of Peridot, the kids and Amethyst mostly stood on the sidelines, spectating on the somewhat chaotic scene as it unfolded before them. “Uh, remind me again why we let her out of the bathroom and why we’re parading her around in front of a ton of people like this?” Dipper spoke up rather caustically, making it quite clear that he was no fan of the plan Stan had come up with for the green Gem.

“Uh, cause its hilarious,” Amethyst informed, letting out a small chuckle as Peridot hissed at another bunch of customers. “And besides, just look at her? She’s super ticked off. If we can’t trick her into telling us about the Cluster, then annoying her until she talks is bound to be the next best thing. Heck, I bet it’ll only be a matter of time before she snaps and spills the beans on everything.”

“But, Amethyst, isn’t that kind of… mean?” Steven pointed out with a concerned frown.

“Mean?” the purple Gem remarked with a scoff. “I don’t know what you mean! Ha! Get it?”

“I meant,” Steven began to clarify as he spared a brief glance over at Peridot. Amidst tourists still coming through, Stan decided to taunt Peridot to get even more of a show out of her by holding a full cup of coffee high out of her reach, prompting her to desperately try and jump for it to no avail. “Peridot seems like she’s really upset. All she wants is a little coffee. Would it really be that hard to just give her a cup instead of embarrassing her like this?”

“Well, of course, it wouldn’t be hard, Steven,” Amethyst rolled her eyes. “But if we did that, then it wouldn’t be funny like this is.”

“Uh, I don’t really get what’s so funny about it…” Mabel pointed out, feeling rather sorry for the green Gem as she let out another loud, frustrated yell over her ongoing exploitation.

“I don’t know, you guys,” Dipper remarked with the smallest hint of an amused grin. “It is sorta cathartic to see Peridot finally getting a taste of her own medicine, especially after everything she’s put us through,”

“Yeah, but… how does that make us really any better than she was all the times she hurt us?” Steven asked thoughtfully. “I dunno, I just… feel like there’s gotta be a better way to get her to tell us about the Cluster than… this…”

The conversation came to a brief pause as Peridot’s partial temper tantrum also ended, the green Gem giving up her disparaging dance for coffee only to end up collapsing to the ground in exhaustion due to a lack of it. After checking to see that the green Gem really was unresponsive, Stan begrudgingly shooed the remaining tourists away, if only to get his latest attraction back in working order. “Ugh, alright, I guess we gotta get more caffeine in the little munchkin’s system,” the conman huffed, hands on his hips. “Amethyst! Bring that pot of joe over here, will ya?!”

“Whatever you say, man,” the purple Gem shrugged casually, carrying the full, still hot pot of coffee over as the kids followed not too far behind. “Here ya go, P-Diddy,” Amethyst said as she poured out a cup, prompting the green Gem to glance up from her spot on the ground, hopeful. “Some piping-hot, fresh, coff—hey!”

Before the purple Gem could even finish, Peridot swiped the mug out of her hands, downing the entire cup in one swig. This time, she was ready for its heat and actually savored the drink, letting out a sigh of contented relief as soon as she had swallowed ever last drop of it.

“Wow, Peri,” Mabel noted, amazed. “You must really like that stuff! You know, I’ve only ever had coffee once-”

“And you dumped so much sugar into it that there was more of that in it than coffee,” Dipper finished with a knowing, exasperated sigh. “It took you an entire week to calm down from the insane rush you got from it.”

“Well, what can I say?” Mabel pouted slightly. “I had to put all that sugar into it. Coffee is terrible on its own!”

“No, its not!” Peridot protested with a scowl. “Your strange human stimulant nectar is absolutely rich and decadent and incredible-”

“I’m sorry, did you just call coffee stimulant nectar?” Stan interjected, baffled as he raised an eyebrow down at the green Gem.

“That’s what I said,” the green Gem reiterated sullenly.

“Uh, why don’t you just call it coffee like a normal person?” Amethyst asked with a bit of a playful sneer.

“…B-because! That’s why!” Peridot snapped as she held her empty mug out demandingly. “Just give me more of it already!”

“Heh, sure thing,” the purple Gem grinned as a sudden idea came to her. “But first… hey, Peridot, what do you call this?” Amethyst’s smirk widened as she pointed to her nose.

“A scent sponge,” Peridot replied as though it was obvious. The kids were rather confused by this odd response as they exchanged a bewildered look, but Stan and Amethyst both let out small laughs at the green Gem’s bizarre nomenclature.

“Oh yeah? Then what’s this, greenie?” Stan continued down this line of questioning as he pointed to his eye.

“Vision sphere,” Peridot said, flatly.

“Uh, Peridot, that’s-” Steven attempted to interject to set the green Gem straight, only for Amethyst to cut him off.

“Wait, wait, Steven, let us handle this,” Amethyst said with another small chuckle as she held up her fingers. “Peridot, these?”

“Touch stumps…” Peridot growled, growing more annoyed by the second.

“This?” Stan pressed, nodding down to his foot.

“Gravity connectors!”

“This!?” Amethyst laughed, pointing directly to her rear end.

“THAT’S YOUR BUTT!” Peridot shouted fiercely, refusing to be made a fool of any longer. Of course, her insistence failed as Stan, Amethyst, and even the kids all broke down into a bout of hysterical laughter, angering the green Gem even more.

“Oh man, this kid’s a riot!” Stan exclaimed, beside himself with laughter as he leaned up against the side of the shack.

“For reals!” Amethyst added with a loud chuckle. “Peridot, you’re killin’ us!”

“I am not!” Peridot exclaimed, appalled. “Well… at least not yet anyway…”

“No, no, no!” Mabel giggled mirthfully, placing a hand on the confused green Gem’s shoulder. “She means your funny, Peri!”

“….’Funny’?” Peridot repeated, not understanding the concept.

“Seriously, greenie,” Stan added, still quite bemused as he grinned down at the green Gem. “I oughta start up a comedy act with you as the headliner. You’d have people rollin’ on the floor with that weird alien language of yours!”

“Hmph,” Peridot crossed her arms, somewhat offended. “I fail to see the humor in my correct and specific terminology for the various aspect of a Gem’s (and apparently human’s) form. And furthermore, I’m through with letting you clods tout me as some sort of… sideshow attraction for simple-minded humans to laugh at and take snapshot images with!”

“Oh really?” Stan asked with a knowing smirk, clearly not taking her seriously.

“Yes really!” the green Gem exclaimed with bold anger. “And another thing! If you think that forcing me to labor at this so-called ‘shack of mysteries’ for the measly payment of a few cups of stimulant nectar is going to convince me to say anything about the Cluster, then you can just go and-” Peridot was abruptly cut off the sudden loud boom of thunder that rattled across the dark, overcast skies ahead, one that startled everyone really, though it outright terrified the green Gem the most.

“AH! IT’S HAPPENING!” Peridot cried as the thunder continued to roll on, suddenly in quite a panic as she rushed onto the nearby porch and hugged one of its posts for dear life.

“What? What’s happening?!” Steven asked, alarmed by such a distraught reaction to what simply seemed to be the start of a summer storm.

“THE CLUSTER!” the green Gem squealed, pressing even closer to the post.

“Really?!” Amethyst and the kids all exclaimed in surprised unison, and even Stan looked the slightest bit concerned upon seeing just how frightened the green Gem seemed to be.

“W-what else could be making that horrible-” Before Peridot could say anything else, another banging crackle of thunder exploded out of seemingly nowhere, a bright burst of lightning accompanying it as a prelude to the oncoming rain. The green Gem screamed, covering her eyes out sheer terror as she believed there was nowhere to run and nowhere to hide from the perceived onslaught of grave danger. “Its pounding on the Earth from the inside out! This is it! This is the END OF THE WORLD!”

Everyone’s apparent alarm quickly fizzled out upon hearing this, all of them looking to Peridot rather incredulously as she whimpered softly in miserable fear. “Uh, yeah, no, its not,” Dipper corrected rather dryly.

“Yeah, this happens all the time!” Mabel chimed in with a reassuring smile. “It’s just thunder!”

“…What?” Peridot asked, finally glancing upwards just the slightest bit from her hiding perch.

“Yeah, everything is fine,” Steven said, grinning softly. “Like Mabel said, its just thunder. It happens sometimes when it rains.”

“…Rains?”

“Yep, I’m sticking by what I said earlier,” Stan concluded succinctly as he stepped onto the porch to avoid the oncoming shower. “This kid really is stupid after all.”

“Ok, seriously?” Dipper asked, somewhat baffled that the green Gem was unfamiliar with a concept so simple. “You really don’t know even know what rain is?”

Peridot scowled at him at first, before relenting with a small sigh of anxious defeat. “I don’t know anything without my screen..."

“Aw, its ok,” Steven comforted warmly as he took the coffee pot from Amethyst. “Here, pretend this coffee is the lake. When the sun warms it up, water evaporates into clouds, like steam.” At this, the young Gem removed the lid from the pot, allowing steam to rise up from the hot coffee. “But when the clouds get really heavy, it rains.”

“So… scalding liquid pours down from the sky?” Peridot asked, still not quite understanding. “Wait, even better, does coffee pour down from the sky?!”

“No, silly, its just water!” Mabel chuckled good-naturedly. “And its not even hot water either! A lot of the time, its really nice and refreshing and it helps the flowers grow and sometimes there’s even a beautiful rainbow and everything smells super good right after it rains and—you know what? Why don’t we just show you?”

“W-wait!” Peridot exclaimed, alarmed once more as Steven and Mabel seemed intent on remaining exposed in the yard, even as Dipper and Amethyst casually joined Stan on the porch to get out of the already sprinkling storm. “W-what’s happening?! Why is it-”

“It’s fine!” Steven assured as it finally began to rain in full force. The downpour certainly was refreshing as Mabel had said as the pair began to run around in the yard that was quickly starting to turn into sloshing mud, both of them clearly enjoying themselves. “Look, we’re ok! Its just water! This is just something that happens on Earth! Isn’t it cool!?” Almost as soon as he asked this, Steven happened to trip and fall into the mud, but even so he was laughing all the while, despite the mess he had made.

“Come on, you guys!” Mabel urged Stan, Dipper, and Amethyst in a rather loud whisper as she hurried up to the side of the porch. “We gotta show Peri that rain isn’t so bad!”

“Uh… why exactly do we need to do that?” Dipper asked, his arms crossed as he glanced over at the apprehensive green Gem, whose gaze was completely transfixed on the stormy skies above.

“Because… cause we just do, ok?” Mabel shrugged before grabbing her brother by the arm and pulling him out into the rain. “Now, c’mon!”

“Yeah, you heard her, Stan! Let’s show this nerd what earth rain’s all about!” Amethyst snickered as she shoved the conman off the porch and into the mud.

“Ugh…” Stan groaned in annoyance, sitting up in the puddle of mud he had fallen into as he began wringing out his suit, only for Amethyst to jump into the mud right alongside him, splashing him all over again. “Well, I guess what they say is true. When it rains, it really does pour…”

“See? We’re all out here having a great time, Peri!” Mabel urged brightly, looking back to the concerned green Gem standing just on the edge of the porch. “Don’t you wanna join us? The water’s fine!”

“Speak for yourself,” Dipper remarked sourly, far from enthused about getting soaking wet in the torrential downpour. That is, until Steven happened to grab both his hands and spin him around playfully, laughing all the while until both boys ended up falling down into the mud together, which of course, was more than enough to elicit an amused laugh from Dipper as well. “Alright, fine,” he grinned over at Steven, hardly minding the mud anymore. “I guess it’s not that bad.”

“No, it sure isn’t!” the young Gem exclaimed happily before turning back to Peridot. “Come on, Peridot! You have to at least see what it’s like!”

“Mmm…” Peridot’s expression was tight as she held her hands close to her. Truth be told, the green Gem had no idea what to really expect from a phenomenon as strange as this so-called ‘rain’. For all she knew, it could have been a possible trap, set up by her captors to bring her harm in some unknown way. And yet, if that was the case, then certainly another Gem like Amethyst wouldn’t have forayed out into it so boldly and so easily. And certainly, if a Gem like Amethyst could withstand this ‘rain’, then Peridot apprehensively reasoned that so could she. Or… at least she hoped she could.

And besides, she just had to know what was so apparently wonderful about ‘rain’ for herself.

The green Gem let out a shaky, shuddering breath as she slowly began to reach her hand out of the shelter that the porch provided her with. She hesitated, just for a short, fearful second, right before the falling droplets of water could touch her. And then, on a burst of sheer impulse alone, she let the rain fall upon her.

Peridot gasped, startled as a raindrop struck the back of her hand, and though she drew it back towards her, upon an initial inspection, there seemed to be no signs of harm to her form whatsoever. A newfound sense of curiosity overwhelmed the green Gem as she hesitantly decided to step forward just a bit, reaching out into the rain once more. This time, she didn’t take her hand back as she allowed a few more drops to fall onto it, and then, craving to know even more, she decided to voyage out into it herself. Slowly and quietly, Peridot took the short, small step off the porch, a step that felt like one of the most momentous she had ever taken.

Everything else seemed to fade into the background as Peridot finally let the rain fall upon her freely, drenching her in its cool, crisp, refreshing shower. Her eyes were wide with awe as she wondered how such an event was even possible at all, much less naturally occurring as the kids had informed her it was on Earth. In those short, brief moments, Peridot’s mind was racing with so many wonderings all at once: exactly how often did it rain on Earth? Was it always accompanied by such crashing thunder and blinding lightning? Did it always soften the solid dry earth into wet, sloppy mud like this? Just how long would this shower go on for? What would happen once it was over and when would the rain return again? Did Homeworld know that such an interesting process occurred on their now-abandoned former colony? And if they did know… then why didn’t they seem to care about just how unique and amazing it truly was?

“Yeah! You did it!” Steven’s excited exclamation soon broke Peridot out of her awestruck thoughts.

“So… what do you think?” Mabel asked with a huge, eager smile as she ran past the stunned green Gem. “Isn’t it cool?”

Peridot said nothing at first as the kids, Stan, and Amethyst continued having their own fun all around her, allowing her a chance to take it all in. A chance to realize that this was unlike anything she had ever experienced before. That these humans were unlike any she had ever met before. That this planet was unlike any place she had ever been before.

And that maybe, just maybe… none of them were as bad as she had first thought.

“…Cool…”

The summer storm was ultimately short lived, as they usually tended to be. As the downpour turned into a light drizzle, everyone finally headed inside to clean up and dry off, all except for Peridot. Rather, the green Gem hung close to the window, captivated as she watched raindrops slowly, gracefully slip down the glass outside, largely ignoring the various conversations going on behind her. In fact, the only one to really notice Peridot’s revere initially was Steven as he finished toweling off, and, curious to see what she thought of her first experience with rain, he carefully approached her.

“So… that was fun, huh?” he asked, offering the green Gem an inviting smile.

“It was… something,” Peridot mused, her expression growing somewhat serious as she turned to the young Gem. For a moment, she said nothing, instead just seizing him up and down before slipping another brief glance over at the ending shower outside. “Hmmmm…. Ehhh….. errr…. Ummmm…. Sssteven?”

“Yeah?” Steven asked, rather surprised to hear Peridot call him just by his name without any “the” preceding it.

“I’m going to say something,” the green gem inhaled deep breath before speaking her sincere piece. “Thank you. Both of you,” she said, glancing over at Mabel as well.

“Aw, you’re welcome, Peri!” Mabel exclaimed cheerfully. “But uh… not to be rude or anything but… what are you thanking us for again?”

“For explaining this ‘rain’ business to me,” Peridot nodded, hands held behind her back. “It was… an enlightening experience.”

“Pfft, I don’t know why she’s thankin’ them when she wouldn’t have even been out there in the first place if it wasn’t for us,” Stan whispered to Amethyst rather dryly.

“Eh,” the purple Gem shrugged, unconcerned as she wrung her soaking hair out carelessly.

“Oh, no problem!” Steven chuckled as Mabel joined in a bit.

“Yes…” Peridot’s manner was still rather hard to read as she finally turned away from the window fully. “You two are both much more intelligent creatures than I initially thought. And certainly much more useful than those… clods…” She cast a somewhat disdainful glare towards Stan, Amethyst, and Dipper, making it quite clear that her sudden amicability towards Steven and Mabel didn’t extend to any of them.

“Oooooohhhh! Did ya hear that, bro-bro!?” Mabel exclaimed with a teasing grin as she threw an arm over Dipper’s shoulder. “Peri thinks I’m smarter than you! Guess that really does mean I’m the alpha twin after all, huh?”

“Please,” Dipper scoffed sullenly as he pulled away from his sister. “It doesn’t mean anything. In fact, its-”

“It means,” Peridot cut in quite pointedly. “Steven. Mabel. I’ve made up my mind.”

“About… what exactly?” Steven asked, taking a small step forward.

“I’ve decided to share some… information with you!”

“Aw, Peri, we already know you’ve been using Grunkle Stan’s toothbrush!” Mabel laughed with a wave of her hand.

“N-no…” the green Gem buffered before hesitantly backpedaling. “Well… yes.”

“I knew it!” Stan exclaimed hotly. “Guess that means I’ll have to start hiding that brush outta your reach, greenie. Fortunately for me, that shouldn’t be too hard since you’re so short.”

Peridot let out a low, aggravated grumble at this before resuming her former calm as she turned back to the curious pair in front of her. “Can we go somewhere else? I’d rather not divulge such important information in the company of your… unsavory accomplices…”

“Hey, anything you’re gonna say to them, you better say in front of us too,” Amethyst remarked, her hands on her hips.

“Yeah, Peridot, you can trust them, just like you can trust us!” Steven encouraged, prompting the green Gem on with a kind smile. A smile that, despite her many reservations, inevitably ended up being enough to make Peridot cave in on her silence completely.

“Ugh, fine,” she groaned, rolling her eyes in exasperation. “But what I say here does not leave this group. Because what I’m going to tell you all about… the Cluster.”

A collective gasp rose up from the others upon hearing this admittance, especially since none of them had expected Peridot to break her longstanding silence concerning the Cluster at all, especially not seemingly out of nowhere like this. Even so, Steven and Mabel couldn’t help but break out into excited smiles, knowing that, somehow or another, they were finally about to succeed in getting this coveted information in the first place. “You’ve cracked!” Steven exclaimed, amazed.

“I have not cracked!” Peridot gasped, appalled as she moved her hand up towards her gemstone. “As you can see, my Gem is perfectly unscathed!”

“No, Peri, he means that you finally decided to play nice!” Mabel grinned, grabbing the green Gem by both of her hands and spinning her around. “It sure took you long enough, we thought you’d never spill about the Cluster!”

“And apparently all it took was letting her stand out in the rain for a few seconds,” Dipper muttered, incredulous.

“Should’ve figured that something stupid like that would get her to talk,” Stan remarked just as sardonically.

“I could’ve sworn that coffee thing was gonna work first…” Amethyst added, just as baffled.

“Oh, speaking of coffee, I expect at least five entire pots of it as payment for delivering this exclusive intel about the Cluster to you all,” Peridot cut in succinctly, stepping in between Stan and Amethyst as they both sent her an annoyed glare. “But that can wait until after we get back.”

“Uh… back from where?” Steven asked.

“From the Prime Kindergarten, of course!” Peridot said as though it was obvious. “I can show you all you need to know about the Cluster, but that’s the only place I can do it. My arm attachments, my fingers, my screen, my log, its all gone! But all of my logs up to date 6-5-2 still exist, backed up in facet five of the Prime Kindergarten!”

“Whoa, hold on,” Dipper cut in, sending the green Gem a distrustful look. “Cluster or no Cluster, we are not letting you take us to the Kindergarten. For all we know, this could be some kind of trap so you can escape or-”

“Or she could be telling us the truth,” Steven interupted earnestly. “We’ll never know unless we find out.”

“Eh, call me crazy, but I’m actually down for a trip to the Kindergarten,” Amethyst shrugged, nonchalant. “But… we gotta wait until Garnet, Pearl, and Ford get back. Just cause I’d like to have a little backup on my side in case you try anything… sneaky.”

“No!” Peridot staunchly refuted upon hearing this. “I don’t want to talk to them! And we don’t need them anyway. All we need is to go to the Kindergarten so I can tell you about the Cluster and we can devise a way to properly deal with the threat that it poses to all of our lives! So…?”

A lengthy bout of silence passed as Peridot purposed this plea to Steven and Mabel in particular, not really caring about getting permission from any of the others. The pair exchanged something of an uncertain glance before they turned to the others, noting apathy from Stan, apprehension from Amethyst, and outright disapproval from Dipper, all from their expressions alone. And yet, despite that silent input, Steven and Mabel still knew that this was their choice to make and their choice alone. And fortunately, they both happened to reach the same exact choice at the same exact time.

“Hm… ok,” Steven said with an affirming nod. “We can go to the Kindergarten.”

“What?!” Dipper asked, baffled that they’d make such a risky choice. “You guys can’t be serious! We can’t just let her-”

“We can because they said yes, you Dipper,” Peridot remarked smugly as she pushed him out of the way. “A truly wise choice if I do say so myself.”

“Buuuut…” Mabel interjected, shaking her finger at the green Gem.

“No… a catch!” she groaned. “Fine! What are your demands?”

“Well first, you gotta promise you won’t try any of your sneaky shenanigans,” Mabel said with a hint of seriousness in her tone. “And…”

“And you’re gonna have to hold my hand the entire time!” Steven picked up where Mabel had left off, taking the green Gem’s hand.

“Ooo, yeah! That’s way better than what I was gonna come up with!” Mabel exclaimed, enthused. “I was just gonna tell her she can’t call any of us clods again until we get back.”

“Heh, like I’d ever agree to a term like that,” Peridot rolled her eyes. “Those other two are fine, but not being able to call you clods what you truly are? That’s simply out of the question. All the same, we should be on our way. Oh, and Amethyst… and… you…?” she said to Stan, clearly not remembering his name. “Don’t forget my coffee on the way out! I’ll need it in order to properly educate you on all things Cluster-related.”

“Ugh… so I guess we just gotta deal with this now, huh?” Amethyst asked as her and Stan took up the rear of the group heading out of the shack.

“Not if we give her decaf, we don’t,” Stan smirked discreetly, holding up a pot of said decaf.

“Oooo… now that’s what I call mean,” the purple Gem laughed, glad to be getting some sort of revenge on the haughty green Gem, even if it was in a rather small way. “I love it!”

The Kindergarten was just as solemn and silent as ever, even as the stalwart group of Gems, kids, and conman warped into it. Peridot’s exact purpose for bringing them there and how it all connected back to the Cluster was still largely unknown, and the green Gem refused to divulge anything further until she was able to access her logs. Which meant that the most any of them could do for now was follow Peridot, wherever she intended on leading them.

“This place just gets worse every time we come here…” Steven noted quietly as they began their voyage through the Kindergarten’s hallowed-out walls, his hand still linked with the green Gem’s.

“Tell me about it, kid,” Stan remarked, shuddering somewhat. “It’s like some sorta nightmare out of a horror flick. N-no offense, Amethyst.”

“Eh, I’m over it,” the purple Gem shrugged, unoffended.

“Well, it certainly is poorly managed,” Peridot spoke up, unenthused. “It must have been in way better shape when you first emerged, Steven.”

“…Emerged?” the young Gem asked, confused.

“Yeah, you’re some kind of quartz, right? You must have been made here, just like I’m guessing Amethyst was.”

“W-wha—how did you know-?” Amethyst attempted to ask before Peridot easily interupted her.

“Well, its rather obvious to deduce based on the functional purpose of this Kindergarten,” the green Gem shrugged. “If I had to guess, I’d say a majority of Earth quartzes were made here, including the two of you.”

“Pfft, come on, Peri, Steven wasn’t made here!” Mabel scoffed playfully.

“She’s right,” Steven nodded. “I came from my mom and dad.”

“Are those some kind of rocks?” Peridot asked, bewildered. “Or another planet?”

“Nope,” the young Gem chuckled as he lifted his shirt up to reveal his gemstone. “My dad is from Earth, but my mom was a Gem. See?”

“So… you’re some sort of… hybrid?” the green Gem’s confusion deepened at this. “How is that possible?”

“O-ok!” Dipper cut in, flustered by the implications of the inevitably incoming discussion. “Maybe we shouldn’t really get into all that right now. Or… ever.”

“Oh, nah, its ok, Dipper,” Steven smiled rather innocently. “I can explain it all in a sweet little two part story I like to call ‘the Ballad of Rose and Greg’.”

“I don’t care,” Peridot held up an unconcerned hand to stop the young Gem before he could say anything else. “What I am concerned with is how… stylistically displeasing these old Era 1 drills are.” The green Gem pointed over at a large, broken injector as they passed by it. “The newer ones have a much nicer finish.”

“Ugh, geez, kid, could you just stop bein’ a huge nerd for like… one minute? Is that too much to ask?” Stan remarked, exasperated.

“…What is ‘nerd’?” Peridot asked, unfamiliar with the concept. Of course, this confusion was more than enough to elicit amused snickers from both Stan and Amethyst, which only served to fill the green Gem with even more questions. “Can you use it in a sentence?”

“Ahem,” Amethyst cleared her throat as she turned to the green Gem. “Nerd. You are… a nerd! Ha!”

The pair broke down into a heavy outburst of laughter, and even Dipper couldn’t hold back a small chuckle at Peridot’s continued bafflement by the insult. Steven and Mabel, on the other hand, were not as amused. “Aw, come on, you guys, that isn’t very nice!” Mabel pouted as the others continued making fun of the increasingly aggravated green Gem.

“Maybe not, pumpkin, but its hilarious!” Stan laughed, slapping his knee from the humor of it all.

“Ugh… I don’t know why I’m even bothering to do this…” Peridot grumbled sourly to herself. “This planet is annoying and everything is annoying. Amongst its transgressions are the lowly humans running rampant everywhere with their overpowered elemental-based weapons and their retractable hook blasters and their irresistible stimulant nectar…”

“Hey! I feel like I’d be offended if I understood half of what you said,” Stan remarked, scowling down at the green Gem.

“Good, you were supposed to be because nothing on this puny planet of yours makes any sense!” Peridot huffed impatiently. “Like, for instance, the need for an Amethyst to take orders from a Pearl and a permafusion!”

“‘Permafusion?’” Amethyst asked, largely paying no mind to the first half of what the green Gem had said. “Is that what you call Garnet?”

“I could call her a lot of things,” the green Gem smirked haughtily. “I could call her… two things! Two clods! Walking around like she’s… one clod! Ha!” Peridot laughed and Amethyst joined in a bit, genuinely amused at the green Gem’s bizarre way of explaining things.

“What’s wrong with that?” Steven asked, not understanding what was so funny.

“She’s not even fame ighting!” Peridot scoffed, rolling her eyes. “She’s, you know, she’s just…” The green Gem pounded her fists together to emphasize her point, a point that none of the kids seemed to really get, even if Amethyst and Stan did to some extent. “You know!”

“Based on how lovey-dovey those two are every time they’re apart, yeah, we do know,” Stan snickered, joining in on the round of joking.

“Ha! You’re a real gem, Peri!” Amethyst added, slapping the green Gem on the back rather hard.

“Y-yes! I am… a Gem,” Peridot nodded in solid, proud agreement.

“Ok, ok,” the purple Gem continued, sobering up somewhat. “Do Steven next? And Dipper and Mabel too! What’s weird about them?”

“Come on, Amethyst,” Dipper groaned, not wanting to continue on with such a pointless conversation. “Do we really have to-”

“Oh, where do I even begin?!” Peridot interupted, stepping in between the kids. “First of all, he’s some sort of hybrid abomination,” she motioned over to Steven first, before glancing over at the twins. “Those two look bizarrely similar to each other to the point that I highly suspect they came out of the same exit hole!”

“Ohhhhh my gosh…” Dipper muttered, completely mortified as he face-palmed over the green Gem’s accidental faux pas. “Someone please make her stop!”

“Peri!” Mabel gasped, just as flustered. “I can’t believe you! Are we gonna have to wash that potty mouth of yours out with soap when we get home?”

“What? No,” Peridot scoffed, not seeing what was wrong with her previous statement. “I’m simply saying that I don’t understand how any of you organics function! You consume so much energy that you constantly have to feed, and you spend so much time expelling that you have a whole room dedicated to it!”

“Ah! N-no!” Steven cut in, also quite embarrassed at the subject matter, even as Stan and Amethyst continued taking great entertainment in it. “S-something else! Talk about something else!”

Fortunately, the green Gem finally did take pause, only to start chuckling herself upon seeing just how hard Amethyst in particular was laughing over the supposed ridiculousness of it all. “Heh, you know, the strangest thing, Amethyst,” she began, snickering lightly all the while. “Is that you think you have to listen to them! You’re the one who should be in charge!”

“Ha! That’s your best joke yet!” Amethyst sneered, clearly not believing it.

“Yeah, the only thing Amethyst should be in charge of is getting into trouble!” Stan added, elbowing the purple Gem playfully.

“Same for you, old guy!” Amethyst quipped, elbowing him right back.

“No, really,” Peridot said, shaking her head laughingly. “The Pearl is a pearl, the so-called ‘Garnet’ is a fusion, the rest of these clods are humans, I don’t even know what he’s supposed to be!” she pointed over at Steven, who was still quite bothered by the green Gem’s implications as she continued. “Amethyst, you’re the only Crystal Gem that’s actually a Gem!”

“Ah… what?” Amethyst asked, her laughter dying down somewhat.

“You outrank everyone on your team,” Peridot explained. “They should be listening to you! You’re a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you’re defective!”

The purple Gem’s smile faded altogether upon hearing this, concerned confusion replacing it. “D-defective?”

“Well, sure!” the green Gem exclaimed, as though it were obvious. “You’re small!”

“S-so?”

“Well, you’re not supposed to be!” Peridot scoffed, before letting out a gasp and running over to the nearby Kindergarten wall. “Wait, let me guess… This!” she pointed to the lowest hole, by far the smallest of them all and the most familiar to Amethyst. “This is the hole you came out of! Too small, too low… The exit marks look 500 years newer than every other hole. Hm… this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you’re supposed to look like!”

“Peridot…” Steven cut in cautiously, especially upon noticing the rather cross expressions both Amethyst as well as Stan were wearing in light of Peridot’s thoughtless remarks.

However, before he could advise the green Gem to stop, Amethyst put a hand on his shoulder and spoke, her voice low and borderline harsh. “What was I supposed to look like?”

“Well, you’re a quartz,” Peridot explained succinctly. “They’re huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size, at least. Broad shouldered, intimidating… But since you stayed in the ground too long, you don’t really look much like a quartz should at all.”

“Are you saying I’m wrong?” Amethyst hissed, glaring fiercely at the green Gem.

“Gemetically speaking… yes!” Peridot laughed haughtily, not even noticing the building tension all around her. “When you think about it, its all so… funny! Ha!”

The green Gem continued laughing, though clearly, she was the only one taking any sort of amusement in the matter. The kids all exchanged awkward glances, none of them quite sure of what to say. Amethyst simply glanced down sourly, her arms crossed as she cast a shame-filled glare at her own exit hole, begrudging the fact that, for whatever reason, she had stayed there too long, coming out flawed, defective, small as a result. And yet, out of all of them, Stan was the one to break the green Gem’s ill-conceived humor, grabbing her by the front of her uniform and hoisting her up to his level roughly.

“Take it back,” he growled, his tone fierce and formidable as he stared the startled green Gem down unrelentingly.

“Take what back?” Peridot asked, raising a confused eyebrow.

“What you just said about Amethyst,” Stan said, his manner still quite brutal. “Take it back, greenie, or else.”

“What? I was just stating facts,” the green Gem huffed. “She might as well know that she’s a defective Off-Color instead of running around, thinking that she came out right when she didn’t.”

“And what does any of that garbage matter, huh?!” Stan exclaimed hotly, shaking Peridot up a bit. “So what if she ‘didn’t come out right’? I’ve known her for a long time, and let me tell you something about her, greenie, that even a stupid brainiac like you wouldn’t know. She’s the best one of you Gems I’ve ever met, which is why I’m not gonna stand here and listen to someone like you put her down!” With this, the conman threw the green Gem to the ground, turning his nose up at her as he walked past her, not even noticing the stunned stares he was getting from Amethyst and the kids. “I suggest shutting that constantly-running trap of yours, kid. Before you end up saying something you really regret next time.”

A beat of silence passed at this as Amethyst cast another brief glance at the frightened Peridot before hurrying on ahead after Stan. “Hey, uh… thanks…” she muttered as she walked alongside him, still rather downcast all the same.

“Don’t mention it,” Stan said, not looking over at her as he kept his stern sights set ahead. “After all, I know a thing or two about being called a ‘defective’ screw-up too. Maybe not in those exact words, but still.”

“Heh,” Amethyst finally cracked a small, bitter smile at this. “Then I guess us defective screw-ups gotta stick together, huh?”

“Yeah,” the conman grinned himself, though there wasn’t much joy in it. “I guess we do.”

As this exchange happened just out of earshot, Peridot slowly picked herself up off the ground, still largely baffled as to exactly what had just happened. “I don’t get it. That was the incorrect response. None of you laughed, even though what I just said was ‘funny’. Why aren’t you laughing? Why isn’t she laughing!?”

“Maybe its because you’re actually not as funny as you think you are,” Dipper remarked coldly.

“…What?”

“Peridot, you really hurt Amethyst’s feelings just now,” Steven clarified. “And Mr. Pines is Amethyst’s really good friend, so in a way, you sort of hurt his feelings too.”

“How’d I do that?” Peridot asked. “Like I said, I was just saying what any certified Kindergartener worth their gem would clearly be able to see.”

“But it was mean, Peri,” Mabel frowned. “You don’t just go around telling people they’re short. Believe me, I learned that the hard way…” she muttered, exchanging a bit of a knowing glance with her brother.

“No way,” the green Gem shook her head. “I was being… ‘cool’. Amethyst loved it, obviously. Isn’t that right, Amethyst?!” she called over to the purple Gem, who simply glared over her shoulder at her before quickly, crossly looking away. “She… she won’t even speak to me… Its making me feel… smaller.”

“You feel bad!” Steven said firmly, wanting to make sure Peridot saw the error of her ways. “That’s how you made her feel.”

“W-well… who cares about how she feels!?” Peridot snapped forcefully, pretending as though it didn’t matter to her. “Who cares about any of you!? You’re all just rocks! Ruddy, muddy clumps beneath my gravity connectors!” With this, the green Gem let out a loud, vexed shout before she ultimately ended up tripping over a small rock on the ground, falling face first onto the ground. Her fit of anger continued in the form of muffled, frustrated screams into the ground as the kids all stood around her, waiting for her to calm down.

“Could you maybe wrap this little… temper tantrum up so you can tell us about the Cluster already?” Dipper asked dryly, trying to get things back on track. “Unless I was right and you really did bring us here for a trap-”

“I did not!” Peridot darted up sharply, still immensely irritated. “I brought us here to reveal the Cluster’s secrets to you, and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do, regardless of what Amethyst thinks! Now come on!” she began to march on ahead bitterly. “Let’s just hurry to the control room already and get all this over with…”

“I couldn’t agree more…” Dipper sighed tiredly, quite exhausted with the green Gem’s antics by now. Steven and Mabel both hung back for just a brief moment, exchanging a concerned glance over many things: the unknown secrets Peridot was about to divulge to them, the green Gem’s own lack of tact in interacting with just about everyone, and what the fallout could potentially be from it all in the end. Even so, they said nothing of their worries as they simply continued onward, hoping that their dread would be allayed somehow, when in reality… it would only grow in the moments to follow.

“S-so, are you sure this is safe?” Steven asked Peridot after an apprehensive silence. “The last time we were here, there were a bunch of fusion monsters…”

“Yes,” the green Gem nodded. “I was checking their progress.”

“Progress?” Mabel tilted her head on confusion. “What’s that mean?”

“They were unfinished examples,” Peridot said as the group finally arrived at the entrance of the Kindergarten’s underground control room, not wasting any time in descending down into it. “When it became clear that the Earth was no longer a viable colony, Homeworld decided to use it for something else. A series of experiments—a Gem geo-weapon.”

“Oh, did you help?” Steven asked, curious.

“Negative, I wasn’t lucky enough to be around for that,” Peridot said before cracking a bit of a proud grin. “But I read over a few hundred years of reports!”

“Ugh, can you just quit the nerd talk and tell us what this dumb thing is already, kid?” Stan asked impatiently as they finally made it to the prime control room, still as busted and broken as it had been before. “The sooner we get outta here, the better.”

“…Very well…” Peridot said somewhat sharply, heading over to the nearby wall so she could fiddle with some of the wiring within it. “Just have to put this over here and…. There!” Slowly, the control room buzzed back to light and life, even if its pallor was still somewhat dull due to the longstanding damage done to it. “It’s not perfect, but it’ll do for now.” With this, the green Gem walked over to the hand-shaped pedestal resting in the center of the room, though she soon let out a frustrated groan upon realizing she was too short to reach it. “Ugh! Come on!”

“What’s up, ‘dot?” Mabel asked, rather playfully as the others joined her.

“I can’t quite reach the-” Peridot was cut off as Steven easily hoisted her up onto his shoulders, giving her just the boost she needed to reach the pedestal.

“It’s ok to ask for help, you know,” the young Gem said with a soft smile.

“I had it,” the green Gem said stiffly.

“Pfft, who’s the ‘small’ one now?” Stan remarked to Amethyst, eliciting a small snort of cathartic laughter out of her.

All the same, Peridot largely ignored them as she activated the control panel, reducing the height of the pedestal down to her level. From there, she tapped around a bit, before finally locating the logs she was looking for. The walls of the control room were soon aglow with hundreds, if not thousands of images of combined gem shards, much like the kind the fusion mutants themselves were composed of.

“These are the early attempts at artificial fusion,” Peridot began to explain, her eyes trained on the files before her though everyone else was largely awestruck by what they were seeing.

“T-that’s… a lot of Gem shards…” Steven muttered, suddenly nervous.

“No wonder we’ve had to fight so many of those fusion monsters…” Dipper said, just as unnerved. “There must be hundreds of them!”

“Oh, there’s been far many than that,” Peridot informed succinctly. “We were growing them here at this very site, but these were just prototypes for the final product.”

“W-which is…?” Mabel trailed off, not entirely sure if she wanted to know.

The walls shifted to the image of the Earth itself, a large, amorphous marker hovering over land that couldn’t have been too far away from Gravity Falls. “A singular, giant, artificial fusion, comprised of millions of Gem shards: the Cluster.”

“What… the hell…?” Amethyst whispered almost inaudibly, her eyes huge with the implications of what Peridot had just said.

“P-Peridot… are you saying… there’s a giant, mutant Gem the size of the Earth buried under us right now?” Steven asked, shaken.

“Oh, no, when it forms it’ll be much bigger than the Earth,” Peridot said, moving the screen through the inevitable, destructive process that would soon unfold. “Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth’s core, but when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet.” With this, the model of the Cluster grew and grew inside the Earth, until, in almost no time at all, it burst forth from it, blasting the entire planet to pieces and leaving nothing behind in its horrific wake. A mere example of what would ultimately become of the planet itself if this monstrous mutant fusion was left unchecked.

The reaction to such alarming news was immediate and stark. Mabel covered her mouth to stifle a frightened gasp while Stan, Amethyst, and Steven all started at what little pieces were left of the destroyed model Earth on the screen, completely dumbstruck with shock over the immense danger that rested just beneath their feet. Dipper, however, only felt that shock for a mere moment before it quickly changed to rage towards the green Gem who had just revealed this unbearable truth to them.

“Are you serious?!” he asked harshly, quickly turning on Peridot with his hand practically resting on the hilt of his sword. “All this time, you knew that this… thing was just there in the center of the Earth, ready to destroy it at basically any moment and you weren’t going to tell us about it?!”

“Well, what did I care?” Peridot shrugged. “It’s not like this is my planet.”

“Well, you’re sure as heck standing on this planet right now, you idiot!” Stan snapped, joining his nephew in righteous fury about the green Gem withholding such important intel. “Which means that you’ll be just as dead as the rest of us when this thing blows it up from the inside out!”

“…I’ve… gathered that,” the green Gem surmised tightly. “And I completely understand the severity of the situation. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can’t get off this planet, then we’ve got to stop the Cluster instead.”

“Uh, and how are we gonna do that?” Amethyst spoke up curtly.

“I-I have an idea,” Peridot said defensively. “I thought it was impossible before, but now… we have a chance!”

“W-what is it?” Steven asked anxiously. His dread only grew as the green Gem suddenly gripped his shoulders, an ominous, almost manic smile filling her features.

“It’s you, Steven!” Peridot exclaimed brightly. “As well as you, Mabel. Now that you’re both filled in, we can get to work!”

The pair looked to each other with wide eyes, completely bewildered as Peridot began to lead the way up out of the control room. “Um, this might be a dumb question, I know, but… how exactly are me and Steven supposed to help?” Mabel asked fretfully, as they all hurried after the upbeat green Gem.

“Well, you both have all the information that we need about the Earth and its erratic behavior,” Peridot explained. “I suppose we could even garnish some assistance from those three,” she cast a brief glare over her shoulder at Dipper, Stan, and Amethyst. “But ideally, your intel will be the most instrumental by far. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster, and we just might be able to stop it!”

“N-no, Peridot, I don’t think you get it!” Steven interjected, grabbing the green Gem’s hand to stop her as they made it back to the surface. “Just because me and Mabel know how clouds work doesn’t mean we know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the Earth! Besides, the only reason why I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me.”

“Yeah, and I know about it cause me and Dipper learned about it in school a super long time ago!” Mabel added just as intently.

“What are you talking about?” Peridot asked, now quite baffled herself.

“Look, I used to be really scared of thunderstorms,” Steven began. “Just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn’t scared anymore. I didn’t just know all about it right off the bat.”

“Well, I’m sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works,” the green Gem scoffed, annoyed with the kids’ hesitance to take up her plan.

“I mean, sure, we do, but none of that’s gonna help us against a big ol’ fusion monster like this!” Mabel insisted.

“If we really want to stop this Cluster thing, then the five of us won’t be enough to do it,” Dipper interestedly knowingly. “We’ll need someone who can actually help us do something about it. We need Great Uncle Ford, Pearl, and Garnet!”

“I really hate to say it, but the kid’s got a point,” Stan said, his hands on his hips. “Garnet, Pearl, and Ford may all be annoying know-it-alls, but that’s just it: they’re know-it-alls who would know how to deal with something crazy like this way better than I would.”

“I said I don’t need them!” Peridot snapped, resistant. “I didn’t even want to tell any of you about this because I knew that’s exactly what you’d say! Let’s just warp me back to the ‘bathroom’ or whatever you call it and we’ll take care of this! If it looks really bad, then we can just as this ‘dad’ or this ‘school’ for help, right?”

“Ugh, no, we can’t!” Amethyst exclaimed, thoroughly frustrated with the green Gem’s stubbornness. “We gotta stop this stupid thing the right way, which means we gotta-” The purple Gem was cut off by a sudden clamor not too far away from them, as rocks began to shift to give way to the fact that they weren’t as alone as they thought they were.

“Oh no! Gem mutants!” Steven gasped as a small group of various misshapen and mis-colored artificial fusions lumbered towards them. “Everyone, get behind me!” Stan and the twins were quick to do just that as the young Gem formed a sturdy bubble to protect them, though Peridot had been just a few seconds too late to rush over and join them. Amethyst, however, took the initiative, summoning her whip as she lashed out against the aggressive, mindless creatures, even though it was clear she was outnumbered as several of the mutants began to push their way past her. The purple Gem let out a startled gasp upon seeing this, quickly glancing behind her to see that a few of them had already begun pounding on Steven’s bubble violently. And yet, as distracted as she was, Amethyst didn’t even see one of the larger mutants rear up in front of her, ready to land a heavy, damaging blow.

Fortunately, however, Peridot did.

“Amethyst, look out!” the green Gem cried, garnishing the purple Gem’s attention just in time. But she didn’t stop there; for right before the large mutant could slam itself down onto Amethyst, Peridot leapt for her, pushing her clean out of its destructive path. The pair of Gems rolled a bit away from the action, though when they inevitably came to a stop, Peridot found herself resting right on top of Amethyst. Neither of them said anything for a tense, somewhat awkward, instead staring at each other in disbelief and what almost seemed like gratitude until Steven and the others hurriedly rolled the bubble over to them.

“Quick, get in!” Steven warned, dispelling the bubble for the briefest of moments to allow the Gems inside.

“Are you guys ok?” Mabel asked as Peridot quickly, frantically stood.

“I-it was an accident, I swear!” the green Gem exclaimed, her cheeks lighting up in a bright green blush.

“Uh… what was?” Dipper asked, confused.

“N-nothing!” Peridot huffed, even more flustered as she stole another brief glance over at Amethyst. “J-just… do something about these experiments!”

“We are doing something!” Steven protested, pressing against his bubble as the mutants began to converge on it again.

“Something useful!” the green Gem snapped. “Can’t you just destroy them?”

“N-not when there’s this many of them at once!” Dipper countered, gripping his sword tightly just in case the bubble did end up breaking. Which seemed like a very real possibility given how much pressure was being put upon it.

“I-its like we told you!” Steven implored anxiously, trying his hardest to protect them all when it was clearly a losing battle. “This is all we can do on our own!”

“T-then this is it!” Peridot gasped fearfully. “We’re finished!”

“Not yet you aren’t!”

A collective gasp of surprise and relief filled the bubble as Garnet’s steadfast voice echoed from a distance. And soon enough, the Gem leader made her appearance, slamming down onto a handful of mutants with her strong gauntlets, completely unphased. Pearl was close behind, swinging her spear at any creature in her path, dispelling their disjointed forms in graceful succession. Ford rounded off the trio as he came running after the white Gem, a futuristic blaster of his own design in hand as he opened fire on the mutants pressing against the bubble directly, clearing them out swiftly and easily.

“Pfft, what a bunch of showoffs,” Stan remarked, rolling his eyes at their rather dramatic entrance.

“For reals,” Amethyst added, hands on her hips. “Still… they… kinda couldn’t have shown up at a better time…”

“Peridot,” Steven turned to the green Gem as the battle outside the bubble began wrapping itself up. “There’s no way we can stop this Cluster thing on our own. We need the help of Mr. Ford and all three of the Crystal Gems.”

Peridot said nothing in response to this, instead opting to dubiously look past the young Gem and to the trio rescuing them and wondering, for the first time, if maybe, just maybe, he had a point after all.

“Steven! Dipper! Mabel!” Pearl exclaimed, immensely worried after the last of the mutants had been poofed. “Are you three alright?”

Before the kids had so much as a chance to respond, Ford stepped forward, his manner quite fierce as he sent his brother a disapproving glare. “Stanley, what in the world were you and Amethyst thinking letting the children come here, of all places, with her?!” he asked harshly, pointing down at Peridot.

“Hey! Don’t pin this on us!” Stan protested crossly. “She’s the little freak who insisted we all come out to this creep show!”

“Yes, I was,” Peridot said, genuinely accepting the blame.

“Oh no, you don’t, greenie, you’re not about to weasel your way outta-” the conman stopped short, looking down at the green Gem in genuine surprise. “Wait, what?”

“Peridot?” Amethyst asked quietly, also dumbfounded as Peridot boldly stepped up to the front of the group.

“What are you all even doing here?” Pearl asked, baffled.

“Kids, I thought I told you to watch her,” Garnet said, the slightest bit of disappointment in her tone.

“We know, but-” Steven cut himself off as Peridot held up a hand to stop him.

“…They did what they were told,” she began, her manner stiff and somewhat hesitant. “All of them did. I…” She paused, briefly looking back to the kids behind her before letting out a begrudging sigh and continuing on ahead. “Alright, listen up you clo—ugh… Crystal Gems… I’ve made up my mind. I have something to tell you about the Cluster.”

Needless to say that everyone was rather surprised by the green Gem’s relent as Ford and Pearl exchanged a silent, yet stunned gaze. Garnet, on the other hand, kept her usual calm composure, simply stepping out of the way to allow Peridot to lead the way back to the warp pad. “Then by all means,” she said simply, surprising everyone all the more.

“Y-you… can go on ahead,” the green Gem muttered anxiously as she stole a small glance over at Amethyst. “I have some… unfinished business to take care of.”

Garnet nodded in acceptance at this, moving on ahead as Pearl and Ford trailed behind her, muttering curiously to themselves as they wondered if Peridot really did intend on being sincere with her supposed revelations. Stan let out a bit of an annoyed sigh as he joined them, and while the kids and Amethyst began to follow, Peridot hesitantly spoke up to stop them.

“A-Amethyst, listen…” she began, not making eye contact with the purple Gem as she slowly turned to face her. “I… uh…”

“Just spit it out, ok?” Amethyst rolled her eyes, still making her aggravation with the green Gem’s earlier remarks about her quite clear.

“Ugh! Why are you Earth ones so difficult!?” Peridot groaned in severe frustration before she spoke her piece. “This entire planet is backwards! There hasn’t been even one instance of correct behavior exhibited by any one of you Crystal Gems! As far as I know, you’re all defective, every last one of you! But…” the green Gem sighed in shameful defeat, glancing down to the barren, rocky ground before her. “I am no better. I failed my mission, engaged in a taboo fusion with an insane being that wasn’t even a Gem, and now I suppose I’m working with the enemy! And I can’t even get that right! I have apparently ‘hurt’ your feelings, which was not my intention.”

Amethyst’s glare towards the green Gem softened up somewhat at this, but even so, she said nothing to interrupt Peridot as she continued in a much more solemn, respectful tone this time. “If I’ve damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I’ve made a serious mistake,” Peridot closed her eyes thoughtfully, remorsefully even. “I… I’m still learning. I hope you understand. I’m trying to understand. I’m… I’m sorry… so-”

“Aw, Peri!” Mabel interupted with a huge, delighted smile. “That was so sweet of you!”

“You really are learning!” Steven added, just as impressed.

“Ugh… that’s what I said, isn’t it?!” Peridot snapped, embarrassed.

“Hmph, yeah for a second or two, I almost thought you were actually being sincere about it all,” Dipper deadpanned with a wry smirk as he left to join the others, setting the already irked green Gem off even more.

“I was being sincere!” she exclaimed hotly, though she did back down as Amethyst spoke up.

“Peridot…” she began, her expression unreadable at first until she finally cracked a small, genuine smile. “Thanks.” A small, awkward smile spread across Peridot’s face as relief filled her, knowing that she had somehow managed to repair things between herself and Amethyst after all. Not that the purple Gem would ever let her settle in such a prideful thought for too long. “But you’re still a nerd,” she joked as she turned to walk away, though she did stop briefly to smile over her shoulder at the green Gem once more. “But… uh… you know… when we get back, maybe I’ll talk Stan into brewing you another pot of coffee. My treat.”

“YES!” Peridot gasped, stars of excitement in her eyes. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“Pfft, calm down, man, its just coffee,” Amethyst chuckled. “Remind me to never let you try expresso. You’d probably explode or something.”

The purple Gem continued to laugh to herself as she went to go catch up with the others, leaving only Peridot, Steven, and Mabel behind in wake of the green Gem’s earnest apology. The silence between them didn’t last long however as Mabel suddenly caught Peridot up in an elated hug, not even bothering to hide her excitement whatsoever. “Seriously, Peri, that was so nice of you! I guess you really do like us after all, huh?”

“Ugh, I do not,” Peridot huffed as she pushed the girl away and crossed her arms. “I-I simply found it to be tactful if I made peace with Amethyst. F-for… strategic purposes!”

“Yeah, sure strategic,” Mabel grinned, not believing her for a moment. “If that strategy was making friends, then you’re doing a great job at it! You’ve already come so far today alone with telling us about the whole Cluster thing and everything! Who knows? Maybe someday you’ll end up being a Crystal Gem too!”

“Please,” the green Gem scoffed in disgust. “Its bad enough I have to associate myself with those clods. The thought of actually joining them is… augh, its too much to even bear!”

“Well, hey, you never know,” Steven said with a small, proud smile. “So… after all that, how do you feel now?”

Peridot paused, glancing up towards Amethyst afar in the distance before looking down to herself once more. The green Gem didn’t know how to explain it based on anything she had experienced before, but she knew. Something was beginning here. Something that would change her life more than she ever thought possible in ways she could have never even imagined. Which was why her voice was soft and subdued as she offered her answer, wondering exactly where this new tenuous alliance between herself and her now-former enemies would end up taking her next. “…Big.”

#jen writes #universe falls #gravity falls #steven universe #crossover #fanfic #steven #peridot #stan #amethyst #dipper #mabel #garnet #pearl #ford #to con a clod #too far #when it rains #keyword is kindergarten

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that-he-may-return-blog · 7 years

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Episode 2: Slugbug

Unfortunately, none of Dipper's questions for the triangle were answered. This was probably due to the fact that Dipper didn't see said triangle for several days, which led his mind to uneasy conclusions- had Bill escaped? Was he back in Gravity Falls and terrorizing everyone? Was he dead? Was Dipper possessed and he just didn't know it-

It also didn't help that Dipper had been having the exact same “dream” every night since the All-Mart incident. He was hesitant to call it an actual dream, sans quotation marks, because nothing really happened- he just found himself in a coniferous forest, alone, for hours on end until he woke up. The entire experience led Dipper to wonder if he was slowly losing his mind. The only proof he had that the All-Mart attack had ever happened was a headline reporting the “Largest Shoplifting Heist of the Century”, listing a number of objects that mysteriously vanished into thin air on September fourteenth.

Of course, nobody knew what had actually happened except Dipper… until now.

“-and that's why everything up and vanished the same day we were there,” he explained. “They literally…” he extended his arm, “walked out.”

Mabel blinked. “So Bill is…”

“I don't know where,” Dipper admitted. “And not knowing is killing me because what if he's murdering people back in Gravity Falls-”

“Oh, he's not,” Mabel said confidently.

“How would you know?”

“I have my ways.” Mabel held up her phone. “Also Candy and Grenda and me made a pact to keep each other updated on the Gravity Falls-Piedmont life 24/7, down to the exact detail, no questions asked. I just typed out your whole Bill monologue and-”

“-don’t send that!” Dipper grabbed the phone, “Mabel, are you crazy?”

“Am I crazy?” Mabel pointed a finger at him. “You're the one that made a deal with a resurrected demon that tried to kill us all.”

“I didn't have a choice-” Dipper said quickly, deleting the message. “Grunkle Ford was counting on me to take care of this because any other option would’ve resulted in an essential perpetual death for at least one person or a literal death for the entire universe!”

“Okay, Mister Let’s-Save-the-Universe over here. Don’t forget that I helped too!”

“Technically neither of u-”

Mabel reached forward and put her finger over his mouth. “Shh...” Dipper scowled. “I understand that you've got that whole conspiracy craving and would probably explode if you couldn’t explain why bigfoot is cthulhu- because I am a caring and loving sister- but… really, Dipper, are you sure this is a good idea?”

Dipper glanced up. “...I don't think there's a better idea,” he said slowly. “But there's nothing I can do about it now- Stan and Ford are probably in the middle of the ocean, and if I went back to Gravity Falls, Bill could probably find his body and start using magic again-”

“Again? I thought you said that in the store he waved his arms wildly and turned a bunch of eggs against you? Using magic?”

Dipper glanced at the wall. “Okay, so, I don't know how it works. Entirely.”

“At all.” Mabel took her phone back.

Dipper rubbed his arm. “Just- I thought I should tell you. Everyone kept too many secrets in Gravity Falls, so the more that's out in the open, the better, at this point.”

Mabel blinked. “Does that mean we should tell Mom and Dad?”

“Uhhh- no. Not… not right now. They'd freak out.”

“This sounds like the premise for an American children’s cartoon!” Mabel grinned, “Mason Pines came home from summer break with a lot of strange souvenirs, but the strangest one is a triangle with a bizarre sense of humor and great fashion sense-”

“That sounds like a show that would try and make Bill likable,” Dipper pointed out. “Too out of character.”

“ATTENTION: THIS IS THE LAST HELICOPTER OUT OF VIETNAM! GET ON BOARD OR REMAIN STRANDED!”

“COMING, DAD!!” Mabel shouted back, grabbing her backpack. Dipper got up and slung his over his shoulder, brushing his hair over his forehead- he wasn't about to take Wendy's hat into a public school, one of the most hazardous places for any material object. Besides, hats were technically against the dress code - not that he had cared in previous years - but hey, at least this was a decent excuse.

The twins headed downstairs to find the house empty save for Waddles, who was napping on the couch, and a note from their mother on the table saying that she would be back in the afternoon; she was probably hanging upside down from a redwood, trying to photograph of a colony of bats. They grabbed their lunchboxes as they darted for the door, Mabel taking a second to slip in a previously-vetoed bottle of Mabeljuice. Outside was the second car, fondly nicknamed The Bug by Mabel, and in the driver's seat was their dad.

Forrest Pines was roughly the height of a flagpole and had nearly the same dimensions, which meant that compressing himself into The Bug involved a lot of doubling over. Dipper would have sworn on his life that his father didn't wear anything but sweater-vests and only combed the back of his hair. Mabel would have sworn on her life that Forrest was an alien from planet Cybernoodle who planned on taking over the earth by hacking RCVs everywhere.

“Who's ready for school?” Forrest called as Mabel hopped over the typical suburban lawn flamingo and into the car; Dipper chose to walk around the flamingo. The flamingo had been Forrest’s idea, and Cassidy had never acknowledged its existence.

“Ready for KNOWLEDGE!” Mabel shouted, slamming the door.

Dipper glanced at her. “Knowledge?”

“Yeah, genius- of the new kids- new kids, new friends, am I right or am I right-”

“You're left,” Forrest pointed out. The Bug pulled onto the road and set a course for Piedmont Public Schools.

Dipper glanced out the window. He couldn't shake the nagging feeling that Bill was too close for comfort- even though he was nowhere to be seen. What that meant, he didn't know, but he didn't like the weight it left on his mind.

After a few minutes of dissonance with Mabel, Forrest, and the radio, The Bug rolled to a stop in front of the school- the twins wasted no time gathering their stuff and getting out of the car.

Forrest leaned out the window. “What, no “first day of high school” trauma? No existential dread or questions about moving up the social rank?”

“We kinda sorta already had that kerfluffle over the summer,” Mabel said. “Ha. Kerfluffle.”

“We’ll be fine, Dad,” Dipper told him.

Forrest frowned. “Hey, you're not wearing a hat today.”

Oh no- he was going to ask about the lucky hat Dipper had had at the beginning of the year- the one that had met its premature demise to a pack of angry gnomes. Dipper braced himself. “Well-”

“Good for you,” Forrest said. Dipper blinked. “We call that character development.” He patted Dipper on the head.

“Aha, right…”

“Well, don't murder anyone! Bye kids!”

“Bye-”

“Bye Dad!”

The Bug sped off into the distance, leaving two eighth graders on a yet-to-be trampled public school lawn.

Dipper didn't necessarily enjoy school. Not that he didn't enjoy learning; gaining knowledge was how he built up his collection of conspiracies. But Dipper could have written an eight-page essay on why the school system did a very poor job of actually teaching anything. He also could have written an essay on the lack of supervision in the classroom or work ethic from the staff, or how being expected to socialize with people he would never see outside of school was counterintuitive- but these weren't the biggest reasons Dipper disliked the school experience. No, that award went to the spiked levels of sheer acrimony that hung around the school like a forced metaphor.

Yeah, okay, maybe the bullied nerd trope was overdone. That didn't change the fact that Dipper was, in fact, a bullied nerd. This year he planned to change that- the honors/regular class split started this year. With any luck, he'd leave the aggressors of the past behind and start a brand new year of education and-

-someone tripped him.

Because that wasn't cliche.

Dipper stumbled to regain his balance and half the pile of books he was holding slid onto the floor. His face was red- he couldn't tell if anyone was laughing, but it definitely felt like it. He crouched and picked up the books; off to a great start.

“Didn't see you all summer, Dipstick!” someone shouted. Dipper closed his eyes. “Did you run away to cry somewhere else-”

Dipper kept walking. That was one time- well, maybe several. He'd been perfectly fine over summer- maybe because he had gotten the chance to make his own impression. But everyone here already knew him as the kid with the dumb name, no friends, and who was prone to crying. His legacy.

The honors/regular split had also led to an unexpected consequence; he no longer shared any classes with Mabel, who preferred talking with friends rather than studying with them. Since Forrest had dropped them off, in fact, he didn't really see her at all. This meant the majority of his day was spent either being ignored and alone or having to listen to “dipstick” get shouted across the room, which by now wasn't insulting so much as annoying. The reality was setting in that, without Mabel around, they wouldn’t be watching each other’s backs. This could end up being the worst school year of his life.

He really should've taken Ford's offer, Dipper thought as he scribbled in the margins of the first-day handouts. At least then he'd be spending his day doing something he actually cared about with someone he actually looked up to- it would've been better than coming back to this mess. And now all he had to show for his poor decision was a missing demon and a sister who caused the apocalypse.

“...what?”

“Pines, is there something you'd like to add?”

Dipper blinked. “No, I'm just-”

“Then I suggest you join the rest of the class in sitting in silence.”

Dipper sank down in his seat. Mabel didn't have anything to do with Weirdmageddon… unless you counted getting locked in a prison bubble. And you know, making a selfish deal trading something that wasn't even hers for her own personal gain.

Dipper focused in on the desk. Okay, where was this coming from- he wasn't supposed to be an idiot, you’d think he could put this together. He pressed a hand to his head. Was he hallucinating? Was he so tired from those repetitive dreams that he was starting to imagine things? Maybe he needed a break- from the planet-

“Bill-”

It was nice to know he could do basic logic. Dipper gripped the edge of his desk. Where was he- why was his train of thought being constantly interrupted like this- as if he would tell him-

“Shut up-!”

“Pines.”

Dipper sank down. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

“Would you like to step outside for a little bit to calm down?”

No. “Yes.”

Dipper slipped into the hall and shut the door behind himself. He pressed his hands to his temples, trying to think. Bill had to be messing around in his head, somehow… Dipper shuddered, imagining Bill puppeting him from the inside. He wasn't actually… well Dipper wouldn't know that. Dipper glared at the wall.

“Get out.”

He wasn't going to. Well, at least that answered that question. Dipper rubbed his head… what would he even be doing in there? Not like Dipper would know. But carrying a demon’s thoughts in his head didn't seem like a fantastic option, especially when he had no idea how to get him out…

“Hey Dipstick. Where’ve you been, huh?”

In any other context, it might have been a friendly greeting. Not in this one.

Florence Goodman had to be the worst misnomer of the century. Dipper had only ever actually seen him in class twice in his life, leading him to assume that he spent his spare time throwing darts at pictures of other students’ faces. Florence also seemed to think his insults were hilarious; this was probably a direct result of beating up anyone who disagreed, although Dipper wasn't sure he'd get the whole cause/effect relationship. Another reason he had never explained it was that Florence just so happened to be twice his size and nowhere near as terrified of detention as Dipper was.

“I said, where’ve you been?”

Dipper looked away.

“What are you doing out in the halls?” This guy really needed to learn to respect personal space. “I would've thought the teacher's pet would be teaching the class by now-”

“Aren't you supposed to be in class,” Dipper muttered, “and not hanging around like a-”

“Like a what, Pines?!” Dipper's head knocked against the lockers- he could feel a bruise forming on the back of his skull. Pain was hilarious.

“Nothing, nothing-” he said quickly, but Florence had already moved on.

“Where's your dumb hat, Pines?”

Dipper didn't respond.

“What, did you lose it? Someone get to it before me? Huh-” His palm slammed into Dipper's forehead; Dipper winced. “You should've kept it on- now everyone can see your dumb hair-”

Dipper braced himself for what was sure to follow. It was an old well but a deep one, and every time it just got to him. He felt the fingers shove his hair up, off his forehead-

“-and your mutant face-”

“It's not a mutation, it's a statistical anomaly…” His face was burning- his entire head was burning.

“Little dipstick over here thinks his big words won't make him a freak-” Into the locker again. “Well guess what-” And again. “You'll never be anything but the weirdo with no friends-”

Dipper covered his face. That wasn't true-

“You gonna cry? Cry, Pines- cry about your stupid hair and your freakazoid face- your disproportionately gigantic head and tiny weak body- the stupid rectangle on your forehead-”

Dipper screwed his face up. Until summer, his birthmark had always been a sore spot for him- it had been the target of countless insults. Now that summer had ended, when he had finally started to accept it, it was just going to become another reason to hate him- his head cracked into the lockers again. Always with that stupid constellation birthmark- making him a target- making him “that weirdo-” well it wasn't like he could help it!

“Are those tears, treeboy-”

Dipper grabbed his fingers- they were rubbery and- slimy-? Florence screamed and dropped him onto the ground; Dipper winced and rubbed his head, slowly looking up. Florence was stumbling around like an idiot, waving his arm and screaming.

“Maybe- maybe that'll make you think twice about making fun of me, huh-” Dipper got up. Whatever was going on, it sure was making Florence panic- the problem was, Dipper had no idea what was going on.

Thankfully he found out, as he watched this high school student transform into a gigantic slug with six eyes, a pig nose, and terrifyingly long slimy arms.

The monster roared.

Dipper shouted and threw a pencil at it. The pencil bounced off his lumpy flesh and rolled down the hall.

The two looked at each other for a moment. The slug blinked and stared at its new slimy features. Dipper decided to use this moment to run for it and booked it through the halls. He heard a vaguely roar-like sound from behind him; he figured that turning Florence into a close relative of a snail didn't make him want to kill Dipper any less.

He ducked behind a wall and pressed his back to it, shaking- had he done that- Dipper stared at his hands. They were just as pale and clammy as ever. Maybe it was the fact that he had just run to the other side of the school, but he felt exhausted; there was a stitch in his side and his eyes were starting to close. Dipper shook himself awake. There wasn't time for that- there was a giant slug loose in the school somewhere. It wouldn’t be long before someone saw it.

“Heyyy, what are you doing in the Dumb People section?” Dipper blinked and looked up. Mabel had put a sticker on his nose. “Don't you have some kind of over-complicated class to get to?”

“-there’s something more important going on right now,” Dipper told her, glancing back around the corner. Florence the giant slug couldn’t be far.

“You found something more important than your GPA?” Mabel leaned around the corner to look at whatever he was looking at. “I'm proud of you- you've realized that the true meaning of being a student is learning and having fun by pursuing an interest that you genuinely like-”

“No, Mabel, I turned Florence Goodman into a nine-foot long invertebrate.”

Mabel frowned and raised a finger. She opened her mouth and the finger turned into a finger gun, “Are you making a spontaneous and nonsensical joke-”

Dipper looked at her. Mabel lowered her finger. “Right, okay, giant spineless bully somewhere in the school.” She frowned again. “How did-”

“I don't know,” Dipper admitted, ducking back behind the wall. “I think it had something to do with Bill-”

“THEY SAY THAT IF YOU SAY THE DEVIL’S NAME HE APPEARS!”

Dipper yelped and fell backwards.

Mabel glanced from him to the empty air directly in front of him. “Is he back?”

“Unfortunately…” Dipper muttered.

“Unfortunately?” Bill pressed his hand to what would have been his chest. “Now that stings- after all I've done for you- turning your school bullies into gastropods- I am hurt-”

“You did that-?!”

“Well I'll admit that it was a team effort- somebody here got really mad for no reason at all-”

Dipper glared. “So you just used me as your funnel-”

Mabel raised a hand, “So I'm sure this is a very important argument but all I can hear is Dipper's side- and also maybe we should focus on taking care of the monster before we argue any more?”

“I don't think Bill cares,” Dipper said.

“Oh contraire, spaceface.” Bill pulled his cane out of nowhere. “You're my only vessel, and your fancy contract says my psyche is linked to your body- if you die, I'd be stuck in a little radius around it, and that wouldn't be fun for anyone, would it?”

Dipper looked away. “Mabel, do you have the flashlight?”

Mabel shook her head. “I didn't really unpack everything yet.”

“Right, okay…” Dipper rubbed his forehead, trying to think. The hall was quiet and empty, and he couldn’t see or hear a thing in the corridors, but he knew what was out there. “Well, at least we have time to plan,” he resolved. “He might be big, but slugs are slow. It'll take a while for it to even find us, let alone catch up to us.”

Bill laughed.

Dipper stiffened. “Unless that's not the case…”

“Oh, it is definitely not the case, pine-tree! Remember how turning things on their head is kind of my deal? My schtick? My gimmick? My-”

“You made a super-fast giant slug.”

“Well I wouldn't call it giant, we’re only talking like eight, nine feet long here- giant would be, say, the size of the school- your tiny little mind doesn't have nearly enough energy for that.”

“Well apparently there’s enough to make you a giant pain in the-”

“DIPPER-”

Dipper looked over just in time to see a super-fast, average-sized slug come ricocheting around the corner.

Dipper thought he knew what fear felt like. He had been ripped out of his own body, more than once by now, been chased by gigantic deformed creatures of unimaginable horror, and witnessed the apocalypse firsthand. Yet, somehow, none of these came close to the sheer adrenaline that running from a nine-foot invertebrate at top speed through an empty school hall could bring.

“How do we stop him?!” Mabel asked as they slid around a corner.

“I don't know,” Dipper said- he was panicking. “I only knew things in Gravity Falls because of Great-Uncle Ford’s journal- I don't have that anymore! We threw it down the bottomless pit!”

“Well, actually-”

Dipper looked at Mabel. “Actually-?”

Mabel waved it off. “I'll tell you when we’re not being terrorized by a giant slug.”

Dipper darted up to a door leading out of the school; he tried to stop but his momentum carried him into the bar and out onto the grass. He tumbled forward and faceplanted. Bill laughed.

Dipper shoved himself up- “If you're so concerned about protecting your vessel why don't you help-”

“Oh, I might. If it gets completely hopeless. Right now I just want to watch you squirm.”

Dipper wanted to retaliate, but he didn't get the chance as the monster slammed its head through the door and bowled him over. He scrambled up, now covered in slime, and darted back inside the school; during the day, the doors were locked from the outside. This proved true as the slug rammed into the door over and over, but it didn't open. It also might not have opened because it was a pull door, but Dipper decided not to tell him that.

Dipper slid down against the wall to catch his breath.

“...what do we do when school ends?” Mabel asked, “because he’s still going to be there-”

“I’m trying to get there,” Dipper breathed. He rubbed his forehead and watched the door thud as the slug rammed into it. Bill was busy criticizing a mural of Egypt in the hall.

Mabel sat down next to him. “Maybe we should get to class?”

Dipper snorted. “I'd rather not. At least not right now.” A nine-foot slug. No journal. No hex circle, no flashlight… all he really had was a demon whose current life goal was to ruin Dipper's own life. Bill probably knew how to fix it with magic or something- but it wasn't like he'd help. Dipper might have to take a different approach…

Dipper sat there in quiet contemplation as Mabel doodled and the formerly-human slug pounded on the doors. After a while, the bell rang and students flooded out into the hallways, and to their… lockers? Dipper started and looked at the clock- what?! -this was the end of the school day- and he still had no idea what to do regarding the giant slug- and it was at this moment that the hinges on the door gave way- and in it came.

It was chaos. Everyone scattered, some to run and scream, others to touch it, more to record videos, and the slug to (presumably) murder Dipper. Dipper saw this and decided to join the portion of the student body that was running. Mabel followed suit.

“You know, for someone who made a life-changing self-discovery about courage and standing up for yourself over the summer, you sure are doing a lot of running away today,” Bill commented.

Dipper glared. “I can't just fight it,” he snapped, “and it's not like I have anything that'd help me-” he shoved the front door open and ran out onto the grass.

“Well that's not very fair- I'm right here!”

“You’re the main cause of the problem-!”

“What is it with you people and your blame-games- you turn a couple people into disfigured monsters and suddenly it's all oh he’s evil and you’re a 'problem’-”

There was a loud popping sound, followed by an unappealing squelch- Dipper turned to see that the slug had managed to figure out the push-door. It literally threw the door open and was continuing his chase, barrelling right for Dipper- panicking, he jumped to the side, hoping the monster couldn't turn as quickly as it could run, or crawl, or slink-

The proper term for the movement of a slug was put low on Dipper’s priorities as he watched it crash through the parking lot and disappear among the cars. There was a sound of alarms and honks.

“Well, this seems like a good time to let law enforcement handle the giant slimy thing,” Mabel suggested. While the idea of Florence Goodman being taken away from the school did seem appealing, it was Dipper’s fault that the guy was a slug in the first place.

“Eh, ehh…?” Mabel was ready to go. Dipper took in a breath, then sighed.

“We should do something.”

“But do we?” she groaned. It was very likely that she hated Florence more than he did. Dipper genuinely considered walking away. It’s not like he was obligated to be the bigger person here, but- it was a little overboard to turn him into a lightspeed slug. There was also the fact that the security cameras in the school probably saw him near Florence when it happened, and the last thing he wanted was another run-in with the government.

Being thirteen was hard.

Just as Dipper was about to make his decision he heard a shrill and childish squeal from the far side of the parking lot. Dipper and Mabel exchanged a glance.

“Dad.”

They both made a dash for the east side of the parking lot and found the slug with its head jammed inside the window of The Bug, and Forrest Pines firmly pressed into the back seat, throwing all available objects in its face. So much for leaving their parents out of weirdness- now Dipper definitely had to do something. Mabel was way ahead of him.

“Back off my dad you slimy buttface-” Mabel shouted as she bolted to the car and began beating the slug with her biology book. This took the slug’s attention off of (potentially) eating Forrest- it pulled from the window and went for Mabel next.

“Mabel, get away from that thing-!” Forrest shouted. Dipper pried the slime-coated car door open; Forrest scrambled out and scooped both twins up and out of the way of the monster, backing away. The slug started advancing- Dipper threw a rock at its head and tried his best to give an intimidating and stern glare, but judging from Bill’s snickering it wasn’t working out too well.

Forrest was just about to make a run for it when Mabel slipped out of his hold and ran for The Bug.

“REMEMBER ME!!” Mabel called as she dove past the slug and jumped in the car. The slug spat acid at her as she ran past; it ate away at the ground, burning holes in the asphalt. Forrest nearly had a heart attack as the monster went after his daughter.

“MABEL-”

“Acid?!” Dipper hissed at Bill, who had been casually drifting near his field of view.

“So, I have these ideas, and sometimes they’re just too good to turn down. So, the slug spits acid now. And also has a taste for human flesh.”

“Oh it just gets better every minute, doesn’t it-”

“It really does, isn’t it great?”

Forrest sat Dipper far away from The Bug and ran to grab Mabel.

“Do you think this is funny?!” Dipper glared at Bill.

“Yes, actually.”

“Well it isn’t-” Dipper pointed at the triangle. “You’ve always seen our lives as a game and a joke, but the joke's over, Bill-” Bill wasn’t looking at him. He was experimenting with flames in his right hand. “Are you listening?!”

“No, not really, your interests are relatively insignificant to me.” Dipper was fuming. He had to get his attention, and the only way you get a triangle’s attention is by making him angry or panicked- or maybe even a little bit of both.

Dipper started walking towards the monster slug. “What are you doing, kid?” Bill called. “D’ya think you’re going to take this thing on with those noodle arms?”

“No.”

“Well that’s good because that thing will totally kill you. So, you know, it wouldn’t be that smart to keep just walking towards it like that. So, uh, why are you still walking towards it-”

“You’re going to let my family get killed, then you don’t get a vessel.”

Bill laughed. “As if you’d actually get yourself killed just to get me to do something, that’s ridiculous-”

Dipper kept walking. “Are you really that stupid-” Bill said louder as he was pulled along at the edge of Dipper’s mental barrier. One foot in front of the other, Dipper walked up to the slug and kicked it.

The slug’s acid was just about to eat through the roof of The Bug- Mabel was aggressively searching the backseat and resisting Forrest’s attempts to remove her. The slug twisted its head to look at him. Dipper held his arms out at his sides. “You’re an idiot, kid- you’re going to get yourself killed- this is proving nothing-”

“It’s proving nothing except that you’re out of options.”

“I have plenty of options other than your cruddy vessel-”

The slug made a gurgling noise; acid foamed at its mouth, dripping down at Dipper’s feet, just missing his shoes.

“You’re gonna die, kid-”

It reared up. Dipper didn’t move.

“KID-”

Dipper squeezed his eyes shut- there was a spitting sound-

...but nothing happened. Hesitantly, Dipper opened an eye. He was outside of his own body, and for a moment he thought he might have actually died; then he saw that his own body had thrown up a magical wall in front of itself, like a triangular forcefield. Dipper couldn’t stop himself from grinning.

“I hate you so much,” Bill muttered through gritted teeth as he dropped the wall and the remaining acid fell to the ground. Operation Anger the Triangle was a success. The slug tilted its head in confusion. Bill leapt forwards and knocked the slug back with a punch that clearly had some extra magical energy, because it slid back several feet and embedded itself in the hood of a car.

“Just turn him back-” Dipper said as Bill climbed into The Bug a little unsteadily. Forrest was staring and petrified in the back at this point.

“It’s- give me a second, okay-” Bill wheezed as he struggled to catch his breath, “your stupid noodle of a body could barely take a bit of running last time- you think it can take all that- no! Because some vessels aren’t pure energy-”

Dipper let Bill continue his rant about how weak he was as he watched the slug pry itself from the car and shoot over to The Bug. Bill looked at the slug and glared.

“I have had it up to here with all the things I make trying to kill me-” He slid into the driver’s seat and tried to stay awake. He was about to use another shield to block more flying acid, but something shot through the windshield and straight into the slug’s face.

“GRAPPLING HOOK!” Mabel retracted the hook from the backseat, proudly standing on the seats, one hand on her hip. Forrest was unable to process anything happening around him. Mabel jumped into the passenger’s seat and shot the hook straight into one of the slug’s eyes; it backed up more, blinded.

Bill was slumped over the steering wheel, about to pass out. Mabel shook him. “Hey- hey you can’t fall asleep- mystery twins are back in action-!!” Bill slowly opened his eyes and looked Mabel dead in the face. The sunlight made the slit-pupils obvious.

“Could you, for once, Shooting Star, maybe not scream in my ear... magic is hard enough as it is...” He was too tired to make any witty comments; all he had to spare was pure dismay. Mabel shot the slug in the face again.

“You’ve been doing a bunch of magic, huh-”

“Yes.”

“And Dipper didn’t get enough sleep again I bet-”

“Clearly.”

“But you can fix this with magic??” “Magic fixes most things.”

“Well- then-” Mabel pulled her lunchbox up and offered Bill a mysterious red fruit drink.

“Is this poison?” Bill looked at Mabel. He threw up a shield to block flying acid and looked a little more exhausted.

“No, it’s Mabeljuice!”

“So, poison.”

“It’ll give you a boost- promise-” Bill glared at her. He put up another shield and swayed slightly; a fleck made its way around the shield and burned through his hair. He sighed, steadying himself- Dipper wished he had popcorn. “Eh? Ehh?” Mabel held the Mabeljuice closer. Bill slowly took the glittery drink.

“This doesn’t have anything on Time Punch-” he downed the drink. Mabel shot the hook into the slug’s face again. The slug seemed confused as to how he continued to fall for these attacks.

Bill felt a burst of energy as the caffeine set in. A grin spread across his face- he might be slowly dying of poison, but he was alive again. The slug moved around the other side of The Bug and crashed its head through the window; Bill held his hand out at the slug and it was pushed back by an invisible force. The Bug shook.

“Now what-” Forrest whimpered from the back.

“Now we knock that thing out and finish this-” Bill said, putting his hand on the dash. The Bug began morphing and mutating and Dipper stared as he turned the family car into a huge, metal, eco-friendly winged insect, with six legs instead of four wheels and an apparent taste for slugs.

“WOO!” Mabel cheered as it advanced on the monster. Bill laughed maniacally as The Bug attacked the slug, knocking it down into the pavement- it spat acid at the car, burning holes into pieces of metal legs- but The Bug kept ramming into the slug, shoving it back. It plucked the slug off the ground before it could run away and flew off towards the football field.

Forrest was screaming. “OKAYOKAYOKAYOKAYWHY- WHY IS THIS HAPPENING- KIDS-”

Mabel looked back at Forrest, giving him an encouraging thumbs-up. “Calm down, Dad- we’re professionals-! We’ve got this!”

Forrest just stared. Dipper wasn’t looking forward to explaining this later. The Bug hauled the slug over the football field and higher into the air; it released the slug and it plummeted into the ground, leaving a crater in the grass.

The Bug hovered for a bit and, when the slug didn’t get up, it lowered and landed next to the crater. Mabel hopped out of the car and ran to the crater to peer in the hole, grappling hook at the ready. The dust cleared and, instead of a bloodthirsty lightspeed acid slug, there was just a beat-up Florence Goodman, looking utterly traumatized. Mabel let out a breath and help up a hand to high-five Bill, grinning. “Nice work-”

Bill looked at her. “You really want me touching your hand.”

Mabel lowered her hand.

The caffeine was wearing off fast; Bill used the last bit of energy he had to strip The Bug of its insectoid features. Then he fell face-first into the grass.

When Dipper came back to consciousness in his own body, everything was numb and he didn’t want to move. Mabel was sitting with him in the high school nurse’s station; she seemed a little more excited once he actually looked at her.

“Wh… what happened…?”

“Well, uh… Bill… fixed it, and you passed out after that-” She seemed a bit surprised, “since when does he help us-”

“I blackmailed him,” Dipper murmured.

“...you blackmailed Bill?” Mabel said, staring. Dipper shrugged, eyes half-closed. “That’s… that’s great. Showed him who’s boss this time, am I right-” she grinned.

Dipper smiled slightly; it felt pretty good to be holding the cards for once. He thought for a moment and frowned. “What happened to Florence…?”

“Uh, about that…” Mabel began, “He looked super freaked out- I don’t think he’s coming back here. But he doesn’t entirely know what happened, I just told some cops that the slug ran off in the woods- so, we should be in the clear. For now.”

“Didn’t they see it on camera…?” Dipper asked. Mabel shifted in her seat slightly.

“Nope.”

“Nope?”

“Nope.”

“What do you mean nope?” Dipper sat up a little.

“Well, I took a little time to say a few things to Dad, calm him down a little bit, and… he used his computer magic to get rid of the footage.”

“Since when was Dad a hacker?” He usually only saw his dad coding games of brick breaker.

“He said he picked up a hobby over the summer,” Mabel said, then grinned, “so we’re in the clear.”

‘The Clear’ was probably something they were far from, but knowing that they had covered up the incident to some extent was a relief. He glanced around and saw a disgruntled Bill glaring at a chart on the wall.

“...thanks for fixing that,” Dipper whispered.

“Shut up, Pinetree, I’m not dumb, you smug little-”

“Oh come on- you saved yourself anyways,” Dipper muttered. “That’s a bright side for you.”

“All my creations keep trying to kill me,” he said, arms folded. Dipper frowned.

“...The Bug didn’t try and kill you,” Dipper suggested, “it must have liked you.”

“It didn’t like me, I just gave it an extensive craving for slugs. It was in self-defense.” Bill vanished, presumably back into Dipper’s mind. Dipper didn’t really have the energy to care about Bill’s personal struggles at the moment. It served him right.

After Dipper took some time and mustered the energy, Mabel helped him walk out to meet Forrest, who was harshly rethinking his comprehension of life. The Bug was out of commission, probably because the engine had been eaten through with slug acid, so he took Dipper and Mabel the rest of the way home by foot. When they got back to the house, the twins explained to their dad about the existence of ‘weirdness’ and how they saw supernatural beings and creatures over summer break.

However, the details were severely watered down. As far as Forrest knew, they just met a mermaid, spotted a unicorn, and caught a fairy only to delicately release it. Mabel said that they learned their monster handling and magic skills from a unicorn fight, which wasn’t entirely a lie, only mostly. It only took Forrest a solid two hours to process the entire situation.

“So… monsters. Mythical… things. Exist,” he repeated numbly.

Dipper and Mabel nodded.

“And you’ve… fought them,” he asked again.

“Uh-huh,” Dipper responded. Forrest slumped back in the couch and rubbed his eyes. After another minute or two he sat up straighter and looked at the two of them. They were sitting quietly in front of him.

“Well… you know, I’d say you did a really awesome job. Really, really impressive stuff there- but, just don’t scare me like that okay-” The twins nodded and promised not to throw themselves into deadly situations again. That promise would probably last less than twenty-four hours. Forrest took a moment to breathe, and wrapped his long arms around the two of them in a tight hug. “I’m just glad you two are safe,” he said. They both hugged back.

He pulled back and pointed at the two of them. “We are not going to tell Mom about this until we can actually think of a way to explain it. Especially the car. Deal?”

Dipper shuddered. “Deal,” said Mabel.

“Great…” Forrest laid down on the couch and closed his eyes, “it’s been a long day, so I’m just going to… keep rethinking everything. You two finish your homework or read or… something.” The twins gave their dad a moment of peace. Dipper quietly helped Mabel with her homework as the sun began to set outside. For the first time all day, there was a bit of silence.

Cassidy Pines shoved the front door open, covered in dirt, twigs in her hair, camera in hand.

“You’re not going to believe what I saw today.”

Dipper somehow doubted that.

#gravity falls #fanfic #fanfiction #narrative #bill cipher #dipper pines #bipper #mabel pines

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