#bitch exsqueeze me?

[abyssaldyke]

New coworker was talking about how much she loves autopsy stuff and historical serial killer true crime and I was like oh cool! Yk I took a taxidermy class last year 😊 and she was like ok... that's like, actually weird though.

[wrinly-potato]

sometimes i just feel like im just a bystander overhearing my own thoughts like im just over here foldin my blankets and i just suddenly hear in my head "y'know humans are part of the kaleidoscope family" and i just spiritually stare at my own mind like wha????

[dust-in-her-face]

i am a salty bitch and i will always be a salty bitch about the official companion for season 2 not having laura godsdamn roslin on the cover when the friggin’ foreword was written by mary mcdonnell. like exsqueeze me who frakked up, please? i just wanna talk. with scissors. or maybe a fifty ton raptor. to their face. politely, of course.

like this photo is inside the same damned book

but she so gosh darn pretty tho. look at her 🥺

[therealmalleusdraconia]

NOTICE

i make important notice's on this account since this account is the most active

EXSQUEEZE ME??????????

BITCH WHAT????

[riacte]

"I hope I'll win that All Stars Poll," Luck-Be-With-Ye-Hand solemnly declares as it scrolls through its sad gay fanfiction on tumblr dot com. "I mean, four thousand notes is a significant achievement."

"What?" Sexy-Maidtyn cocks an eyebrow. "You think your desperately homosexual 50 word drabble is sexier than me? In my stockings? I was on live television, dude. You're just some post on a hellsite."

"Erm, exsqueeze me guys, can we stop fighting?" A rather sooty Fine-Lips climbs out from its favourite spot, the burning box.

"Oh shut up, we all know you're boosted by the recency bias," Blush-Pixel grumbles from its corner where it is painstakingly painting a mural of Ren. "I was from 2022. I'll be glad to get some votes."

3L-Never-Ended stares longingly at the mural of Ren, too sad to even campaign for itself.

"Love how we're kind of in the background," the other two moments from Martyn's blog mumble in unison (In-Love-With-Ren and Minecraft-Boyfriend). They've been overshadowed by their famous sibling, that one known as the "fuckass drabble".

"You guys all have weird names," Beautiful-Eyes declares snootily as it sashays into the room. "Look at me: I'm the youngest and I'm gorgeous. Also, I'm one of Ren's champions. There's not that many of them."

"I would know!" Unguided-Hand dramatically sobs into the red scarf it has around its waist. "I'm just a poor unguided hand without my liege! I won Limited Life but he wasn't even there! So instead of talking to him, I just made a lore stream about him!"

"We're just a collection of 'things men will do before actually messaging him'," Beautiful-Eyes wisely points out. "Wait, guys, what's that burning smell?"

All eyes turn to Fine-Lips, who scowls. "What? My arson is controlled within The Box, thank you very much." (Not to be confused with The Box from Double Life)

Sexy-Maidtyn suddenly feels a shudder down its spine. "Guys... I think I might remember... a forgotten moment... a vengeful moment..."

A sudden crash. Fire and sparks. The door gets kicked down. Everybody screams.

"THOUGHT YOU'D SEEN THE LAST OF ME, BITCHES?!" Burning-Tower hollers as it enters the poll with a steel chair.

(Far far away, Altar-Scene sips on its tea, content in knowing it will always be the supreme unhinged moment.)

[camryn-haitani]

Phobia Factor

Duncan x GNReader

Ep: Phobia Factor

TW: suicide talk and panic attack

All the campers are gathered around the fire sharing their fears. But you, you're a little smarter than that. but not as smart as Chris.

I know this isn't like a main fear some of y'all have, but this is a main fear for me. so I just wanted to put it out there beforehand. also just to clarify, y'all aren't dating in the beginning.

- - - - - -

"c-celine dion music store standees..." Duncan says while his head hung low. "uh exsqueeze me? I didn't quite catch that" Cody exclaimed while leaning more towards Duncan. "shut the fuck up you little asshole or I'll kick your puny ass into next week's challenge." Duncan said while holding Cody's shirt.

(in the confession booth)

"uhhh I'm a little scared right now. like I have a feeling Chris is gonna get some sick twisted idea for us. ya know, since we're saying what our fears were. but ain't no way I'm saying that shit Infront of people. and ain't no way I'm saying it here either." I say while crossing my arms.

(with Chris and Chef)

"heh heh heh, oh don't worry y/n. we've been watching you very carefully. you don't have to say what your fear is, I already know it." Chris said followed by a maniacal laugh. "ya know man, you're one sick freak. but me too." chef said while eating his dessert.

(back at the campfire)

"what about you y/n? what are you scared of?" Courtney egged on. "y'all a bunch of dumbasses ya know. y'all seriously didn't think that Chris is gonna do something with this info that he has on us now." I say. "omg you're rightttt." Lindsey said. you facepalmed and shook your head. "I'm headed to bed, good night y'all." I say while stretching and popping my back. "wait up sweetheart, I'll walk you there." Duncan says while walking behind you. "why's that bitch gotta take him away?" Courtney said quietly.

"you know, I have a feeling you're right about the whole Chris gonna do something with our fears thing." Duncan said while putting his arm around your shoulder. "I told y'all" I say, "well good night Duncan. I'll hopefully see you tomorrow." "good night babe." he says while kissing the back of your hand.

'why are feelings so hard. I think I'm falling for Duncan. we've just clicked from the beginning. shit. but I'm in this to win it.' I think to myself before falling asleep

(next morning)

"GOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING CAMPERS. RISE AND SHINE. MEET ME AT THE LODGE FOR BREAKFAST IN 5 MINUTES." Chris yelled over the loudspeakers. "can't we just get 30 more minutes of fuckin sleep?" leshawna said while rubbing her head.

after I got dressed, I walked out of the cabin and was met with Duncan having his back facing me. "hey sweet cheeks, you ready?" "yeah yeah I'm coming." I say still trying to wake up. we started walking to the lodge and I felt someone glaring daggers into my back. I turn around and nothings there. I brush off the feeling and keep walking.

"heyyyy campers. while you finish up breaky, how about heather meet me up at the amphitheater. it's sumooooooo time." "WHAT" Heather spats out along with her drink which hit Gwen. "real fuckin nice heather." Gwen said while her face dripping in water. "awww at least it's a good look on you." Heather says while walking out, shaking with fear.

"see I told you assholes Chris was gonna do something." I yell. "hey y/n. I need to talk to you. it's something important." Chef says while he pulls me out the door.

"ok guys. I found out what y/n's fear is. and I'm really not gonna like saying this but, I need y'all's help to make it work." Chris whisper yells.

(after Chris explained what they need to do)

"you're one sick ticket dude." leshawna says. "yeah man, this is just wrong." Duncan said with his head hung.

(at the amphitheater)

"ohhhhh ok I get it now. thanks chef." I say while walking to go sit next to Duncan. "no problem y/n." chef says going back to Chris. "hey Duncan." I sit down next to him. *silence* "uhh Duncan? you ok?" "why the fuck are you always following me around? get the fuck away from me. this is why Courtney's better than you." he snaps. "......oh. I'm sorry." I sadly say. I get up and go sit next to Gwen. "hey Gwen." "ughh the hell do you want? if you're not gonna be useful then stop wasting my time." Gwen yells. I have one more person I can go to. "hey trent." I say hoping he's not gonna be the the other two. "omg y/n stop thinking we're friends. we are not friends and we will never be friends. go jump off the fucking cliff we did in the first challenge. you'd be doing us a favor." trent says while regretting every word that came out of his mouth.

'fuck fuck fuck. it's happening again' I say in my head. I get up and walk to the woods.

"SHIT. WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME." I cry while sliding down a tree to sit down.

*suicide talk starts*

they were right. I should jump off that cliff. my breathing becomes ragged and unstable. I start to shake and my vision gets blurry.

(with Duncan)

'where did y/n go?' Duncan thought. but then a certain memory can across his mind.

*flashback*

"yeah I've had to move schools alot because of how much the people there bullied me and told me things that broke my mental health. I've been told to kill myself. multiple times. my biggest fear is being replaced and forgotten." I say.

me and Duncan were somewhere in the woods just talking. me and him have gotten kinda close but not that close.

*back to now*

Duncan pov:

"I fucked up. I fucked up bad." I say while standing up. I run. I don't know where I'm running to, but I'm running. wait, I'm running to find y/n. I check the cabin, I check the lodge, I check the bathroom. I check everywhere. wait, the woods.

your pov:

it's getting worse. this is the worst attack I've ever had. I start scratching my arm to try and regain neutrality. but nothing is working. I can't stand. I can't talk. I can't think.

Duncan pov:

shit shit shit. I hear them, but I don't know where they are. "Y/N" I yell to at least try. but alas, I don't hear a response.

your pov:

"Y/N"

I faintly hear my name but I can't respond. no matter how hard I try. my voice just won't come out. but I see some rocks. I pick one up and find the strength to throw it. I get one about a foot away from me. I pick up another one, this time I got it a little farther. the last rock, I throw it the farthest. then j hear rapid footsteps coming towards me.

"holy shit y/n. I'm so sorry. I'm a horrible person." Duncan says with tears in his eyes. he picks me up and puts me in his lap while he sits against the tree. he has his hand on the back of my head. 'this is nice' I think. Im still shaking. my throat is hoarse from crying. I'm weak from the energy I've been exerting.

after a good hour or two, I've finally calmed down. Duncan noticed it and asked, "do you wanna go back with the others or to the cabin?" it was around the afternoon and the challenge is over.

"I wanna go see Trent and Gwen." I say barely audible. "ok sweet cheeks let's go."

he picks me up and puts his arm around my waist and we begin walking.

"y/n omg I'm so sorry. I'm such a shitty person. please forgive me. I'll do anything." Gwen said while crying and hugging me. I hug back. "I forgive you. but please never do that again. promise?" "I promise." we break from the hug and I sit down. "fuck y/n. I'm so sorry, I'm a horrible friend. I shouldn't have said those things to you." Trent said while also crying. "please forgive me." "it's gonna take a while for me to forgive you. but I accept you're apology."

we all eat dinner and eve's drop the campfire ceremony. Tyler gets voted off. and we all go back to the cabins.

"y/n!"

"oh hey Duncan. what's up?"

"lemme walk you to your cabin."

"sure"

we begin walking and he says

"y/n. I think I like you. like I get nervous around you and I care about you a lot and when I saw you having that panic attack, I felt horrible because I knew I was the cause. but forget that, I want to be with you. I wanna be by your side through everything. even after this shit show."

"Duncan I like you too."

he closed the gap between us.

after a few minutes, we part.

"well good night sweet cheeks. think if me when you dream" he says

"I already do"

"WHAT" he says with the biggest blush on his face.

- - - - - - -

[aloneandforsakenbyfateandbyman]

I hate it when men say “oh women are so boring they have no personality” exsqueeze me u Reddit podcast coomer 4Chan manosphere gymcel bitch?? It’s like they never met an autistic female bc women hate them lol? Meanwhile asperged women can literally deep dive into any conspiracy theory known to man, define incel vocabulary better than incels themselves, analyze the history of political theory from Marx to Friedman, study the complex ideas of everyone from Nietzsche to Evola to Schopenhauer to Guenon, name every 70s B porno ever made, study medieval art and Catholic visual motifs from the renaissance, PLUS we look cute in a miniskirt and winged eyeliner and platform shoes and bonus is we don’t smell like old sweaty socks and have dried coom on our undergarments

[ninjabot215]

ITS MUSIC MONDAY BITCHES!!!!!

"Erm exsqueeze me whags a music Monday" you may be asking

ITS WHEN I POST A BUNCH OF MUSIC I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO, BUT ON A MONDAY

IF YOU WANNA REBLOG WITH A BUNCH OF MUSIC YOU'VE BEEN LISTENING TO, THATS COOL AND YOU SHOULD TOTALLY DO IT

ALSO ITD BE COOL IF YOU WROTE A COUPLE WORDS ABOUT WHY YA LIKE THA SONG (if you feel like it but if you don't want to that's also valid I just want more cool stuff to listen to 👉👈)

oki anywho here we go :3

I fucking love furries throwing a shit ton of drums and bass over sped up / pitched up 2000s music. Gotta be one of my favorite genders. Like the super loud bass during the back half of this song makes me wanna throw my body around like a gmod ragdoll in a old tf2 machinima.

Just a genuinely really good mashup of two excellent songs. Makes me feel some form of odd sadness that I can't really describe. 10/10 would decompose in my bed again.

Really good mix that unlike a lot of Waters of Nazareth mixes doesn't go super overboard. Manages to juggle the 11 (!) songs its using really well and is one of my go to songs to put on while absolutely throwing my "academic career".

Good classic hardcore complete with a goofy whimsical ass section in the middle of it. Uhh like seriously the part starting at 2:21 is so different from the other halves its sandwiched between I love it so much. Also there's an assload of ytpmvs of this song.

I love this song so fucking much. Peak tbh. The fucking guitar, the little sad section where the vocals gradually layer and build up to the finale, Just the overall vibes, its all just so good. Also Weezer lmao.

I cant even begin to explain what a mashup tournament is concisely in this already long-ass post so this is gonna be complete nonsense if you don't already know what I mean. This is probably one of the best songs from the entirety of TFA, perfect representation of the contestent its for. The fuckin part where Lifetime Achievement award gets pitch-corrected to sound like Harder Better Faster Stronger makes me levitate. Leans a little too hard into FNAF sources near the end but otherwise balances H3M's arsenal really well.

Another song from a mashup tournament, but a different one. Pretty much exactly what a good bracket theme needs to be, its hype as all hell and showcases all the characters really good while still being mostly cohesive. Its a miracle that a mashup of 29 songs goes as hard as it does without anything going too off-beat / key.

Its fucking Spiderwebs. If you haven't heard it just listen to it. Its so good. I can't explain why I like it better than the song itself can.

I mean come on. The sampling in this is insane. The flow makes me vibe outside of safe operating limits. I just love how the chords bounce around inside my head.

A really good reimagining of one of my favorite albums of all time. I actually kinda like some of the songs on this more that the original album (shoutout to Superheros for using the whos been sleeping in my bed sample more that shit goes so hard) and the new vocals are all really good too. I love the fact that its also half mashups - half complete remakes / remixes, gives the best of both worlds. Obviously the original Discovery album is still the goat and this wouldn't exist with out it but I still really appreciate this for what it is.

If you made it this far thanks for reading my deranged rambling and listening to my wack musical tastes. It was fun to write this so I'll probably keep posting these on Mondays until I get bored or forget. I would really appreciate it if you posted some music you like in the reblogs because I'm trying to make my bigass unorganized playlist bigger so any help is good. Anyhow thanks for reading / listening byeeeeee

[cheekygeekymonkey]

so there’s this whiney bitch in a flaccid penis looking state wanting to make america florida. exsqueeze me. exsqueeze me here for a hot ass minute. i unfortunately am in florida and don’t even want florida to florida

[bubblepopsims]

I’m sorry to be that bitch that literally does this.. but guys.. really T.T 101 people like my chaotic self ?? Exsqueeze me T.T i am so honored.. that’s so fucking cool! Oh my god wow. I am genuinely shocked, happy, and squealing including thinking I’m totally reading that number wrong XD

I appreciate all you 101 people (lol bubbles 101 like zoey 101 HAHAHAHAH sorry my childhood came out XD)

[infictionalwonderland]

Marvel characters with s/o who has gen z humour !

warnings : swearing, jokes about serious matters, concerned avengers LMAO, fem reader in mind

characters included : tony, nat, thor, steve, wanda, pietro, vision, bucky

tony stank stark —

cue bug eyed expression

tbh he will probably make similar jokes but coming out of your mouth, the person he cares most about

he almost has a— i was gonna say heart attack but he ain’t got one 😟 you get the gist

when you reassure him it was a joke he just barely calms down

clings to your side for a bit after said concerning joke

if asked he won’t admit that he was scared shitless

eventually gets used to it tho

and even agrees sometimes

people are so concerned for the both of you they just watch your interactions like 😮

‘these hoes fr?’

he doesn’t really find your especially concerning jokes amusing per say but he won’t almost faint with worry for you

moral of the story is give the poor man a warning

so he doesn’t almost channel his endgame self bc of you.

natasha romanoff —

SHES FR SO CONCERNED THE FIRST TIME

she’s like : 😶😮😦

“don’t say that.”

cue concerned pouting

and you’re like issa joke bby

but she ain’t convinced

from that day forth she officially declared PDA her thing and was all for it, just to show you how much she loves you

she’ll grow used to it

apologies to other concerned and bewildered people on your behalf

a lot of tired sighs

some hidden laughter

but she’s mostly concerned 😭

don’t get me wrong, bae has a great sense of humour but the gen z level humour is a whole other level

won’t really join in on the joking, she’s gotten used to ignoring it at this point

it’s normal for her after a while so she forgets that others are concerned

but hey? your sense ‘a humour is a part of you so she loves it... kinda.

thor odinson —

NO PLS HE’S SO CUTE

imagine the most horrified, appalled, shocked facial expression

that’s his reaction

exactly that.

“lady y/n why would you ever say such a thing?”

you have to sit him down and explain that it’s just how you speak, you don’t mean it.

... most the time anyway 😁

he’ll tilt his head confusedly

“why would talk of your demise be humorous to any sane creature?”

bitch i can’t he’s so cute

AND SO CONCERNED

he’s like a concerned mom 😭

while always frown at the comments

so you lay off on them as much as you can, not liking the unhappy expressions he makes

the rest of the team find his reactions absolutely adorable tho they won’t say that

but also annoying cuz in the middle of full on blood guts and gory fights he’ll come over and hug you and check you ain’t feeling like throwing yourself in front of one of whatever it is you’re fighting

it’s cute but like-

miss ma’am we’re in the midst of a battle

anyway he’s the sweetest<3

steve rogers —

my guy would be FLABBERGASTED

and really sad :(((

he sketched out your whole lives together you couldn’t just leave him now

“what’s wrong? are you okay? did i do something- i’m so sorry if i did-“

and you’re like “no, no, sweetheart it was a joke.”

but he just frowns

“well it wasn’t a funny one.”

rude 🙄

we could say the same about your bland white boy 40s humour but we don’t do we

anyway-

this humour and him don’t really mix well LMAO

but, for you, he’ll try and come to terms with it bc he would never want to change anything about you

and everyone around you is wondering how this relationship dynamic works

bc for shit half as worse as the stuff you say, steve reprimands other people

but with you

it’s just like a free pass

and everyone else’s like 👁👄👁

‘eXSQUEEZE ME’

and you’re just like 😁👍

you’ve got the man whipped so he don’t do or say shit

not in public at least

wanda maximoff —

my baby is the cutest of them all :(

i love her so much

the first time you make the joke she knows you don’t mean it bc she can literally be your mind

but she still gives you a slightly frown-y look like ‘stop please’

and idk bout youse lot but i’d melt at that look

you smile at her in reply

and she gently grabs your hand and kisses your palm affectionately

OROWJFNBEWIWJG

sorry that was me malfunctioning

:) moving on

i feel like she might even laugh at some of your jokes because she knows you don’t mean them in a serious way

and she gets more clarity from seeing in your mind that it’s literally just how you joke

you & pietro would be besties

and wanda would be the tired but slightly amused mom

she gives you warning looks when you say things death related in public and she can FEEL the shock from other people

hand squeezes in warning

thigh squeezes, too

😩😩😩😩😩

basically wanda is just my favourite. :)

pietro maximoff —

i feel like he would have the same ish sense of humour

he’d laugh at every single one of your jokes.. just cuz he’s a simp

and he’ll join in with the same energy

the two of you are in your own little bubble of gen z humour

and everyone not in said bubble is so concerned 😭

“hey piet what do you think about speeding the both of us off this cliff and ending my suffering?”

“only if as my dying wish i get a cheek kiss, princesa.”

“done deal.”

everyone is is like ‘uhhh guys..’

steve’s sneakily pulling out his written and rehearsed speech about mental health awareness

straight up cackles are always heard from the two of you when you’re around each other

cuz you just get each other’s humour

oh, and you’re around each other all the time

so the non stop laughing drives the team absolutely up the wall

vision —

please my mans would give you the number of a suicide hotline

and you’re laughing like —“it was a joke vision.”

his poor android self don’t understand

and probably will proceed not to understand 😭

you have to thoroughly explain your humour to him for him to like 🤔😯🙂 ‘i understand now’

still tempted to give you the suicide hotline number ngl

it would be okay-ish if the jokes were once in a whole bit it’s like multiple times per day

can you hear his electric brain frying ?

you confuse him a lot

like a lot a lot

but he knows he loves you

and will continue to do so

despite your confusing sense of humour

:)

bucky barnes —

JAMES the love of my life

the last he remembers of society, it was still a majorly sexist time and the girls he knew certainly did not act like the girls now

especially the humour

so this fine ass man is SHOOK

bae fully freezes and is like - 😲

he just looks at you in stunned silence

and you’re like 🤨”what?”

“you- yo- are you okay?”

and you realise what’s the matter and it’s hard not cackle but you plaster a smile on your face and push down the laughter

“yeah, yeah i’m fine, that was a joke.”

“that’s how people joke now?”

you just explain to him it’s your sense of humour and his still in disbelief

will call steve later on that day on the device he doesn’t understand and inform him

the sexc grandpa duo share their shock

never gets used to the jokes

he doesn’t comment tho

he just shakes his head with a small smile

because even tho he doesn’t understand your humour or why you even find what you do funny, he genuinely thinks you’re perfect the way you are

plus if he understood everything about you and you were just normal it would be boring, he’ll admit.

[lokisprettygirl]

Caution this may be unhealthily long.😋

How would he make her eat???? What other ways does he have??😏😏

The only person hotter than loki is loki in a suit (or nakey maybe) so her argument is just stupid and she's stupid. I have feeling she's slept with the guys Y/n slept with as she claims them "hotter than him"😒. Has she slept with Steve too??

I don't think she should've eaten pasta right after not eating for so long😥.

Sameera did him bad huh, did Thor do something in that area to make it worse??

They're being so cuteee. You can get me to love anything.🙃🙃

I have a poison bottle with Steve's name on it😌. How about you suck that face in before I punch it and push it in instead. Sick bastard.

Did she get herself attacked? Did Steve do it??Whatt is happening???? Ooh I'm invested now!!

And yes loki hug her. Hug all her problems away. It's so sweet it hurts 🥹.

Her mother just makes me think if loki didn't show up she'd probably have the same fate. I hate her father and yet somehow steve is still worse (I think).

Sad thing is that media thing is very accurate. Media treats celebrities like stories instead of people with feelings. Their misery is a way to make some extra bucks. And people call that having a work ethic in that business honestly it just lack of humanity when it comes to someone they assume is doing good.

Loki can do as much cooking as I can 😌. Boil water. They both do know what they're doing tho, right?

What did thor do with his wife this time!!??? I have a feeling again😅.

Wow Bucky has no personality of his own does he? Why does he love his job to this level? Does he not have enough brain cells for being able to find any other one ?🙂

They're getting some hand action in the car😏😏I love that he calls her darling now. The journey of ma'am to darling is just 🤯.

He's feeding her everyday 🥺. Every time he wants to keep his distant but can't is because he doesn't wanna be another man to hurt her. Was that line in BMUBMD too??

People like Katlyn are the reason people probably assume y/n is like that. Call her a slut, she probably is. (I hate that word but when it fits, it fits)

Now she wants to sleep with loki. Why am I not surprised, seriously what is wrong with people?

They're actually bullying her about being a chubby kid. That's healthy you sick fucks. I hate them sooo much.Imma kill her father too exsqueeze me.

They just give her loki😒. What is he another dress? Loki please say no to her advances somehow. Damn she's a bitch for no reason, isn't she?

How is a granola bar unhealthy 😑. They're dumb too.

Yes she shall eat atleast three meals a day. And maybe snacks sometimes. She's healthy and that's all that matters. Loki is an angel. So he should just take her out of this hellhole. Or I'll say the winter soldier words to bucky and make him kill everyone or these bitches. (Yes a very despicable thing to do but I'm mad) she's beautiful and she should feel like that.

Yay he's gonna protect her for the rest of her life. Look at him making plans with her forever 😁. You've got me hooked again.

I read it all in just a day. There is no patience in my personality. What am I gonna do now??😩😩

I tried to keep it short these are all the necessary points I had to say. And I wrote this in intervals so if any of it doesn't make sense pardon me.😅

I've yet to read the requests so I have that atleast. I had so much fun binge reading your stuff. I don't think I've ever read it in a binge before except when I was re-reading it but that's different. Your stories just hit different either way. But as a binge reader this was such a fun experience. I'm willing to wait just to have this again. Thank u this was loads of fun!! ❤

🧁

Ahhh I love this so much. And even if I try I won't be able to answer to every point 😭 but thank you so much I'm so glad you got to binge read and enjoyed💚

She probably couldn't have gone like this forever, arrival of Loki is breathing new life into her and he's trying to help her get back to living in a healthy manner. He hates watching her suffer like this.

I think he knows more about cooking but he didn't want to embarass her when she admitted that she couldn't even boil water 🤣

And yes that line was definitely in BMUBMD.

I also based reader's physicality on myself so it feels deeply personal to write this one.

Yesss Katlyn she's your typical bitch rich kid, that's how he assumed y/n to be when he met her but obviously that's not the case 👀

EVERYONE WANTS TO FUCK LOKI THAT SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISING 🤣🤣

Bucky gets paid well for all the venom he spews, he wants to be in Steve's good books and he knows Steve hates y/n so that makes him hate her.

Hope you'll enjoy the rest of the story.thank you 💚💚

[sophxwithers]

Ummmm exsqueeze me!!!!! When did Miss Harper do anything to make us not trust her? Bitch the fu...

[ddddavies]

EXSQUEEZE ME BITCH?? DID YOU FORGET SOMETHING? SOME ONE?? HELLO WHAT ABOUT MY AVA?? IS SHE COMPLETELY OUT OF THE PICTURE NOW?

Bitch if that's the case I'm dropping the book, this is homophobic I'm witnessing I swear to god

[imagineitup]

𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘳𝘱𝘪𝘶𝘴 𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘧𝘰𝘺

𝘳𝘦𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺: @spideyboipete

𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵: fake dating au

𝘢/𝘯: i tried out a new style of hc, so let me know if you like this version or my old versions better tysm <3

- - 

you and scorpius are those friends

you’ve got that type of friendship where something clicked and suddenly you were both attached at the hip for years

because apparently having the same brand cauldron in the beginning of first year with the same exact hole in the side means best friends ride or die in first year culture

like what even is this? some psychic shit??

but anyway, with you being absolutely intent on making friends, scorpius couldn’t get rid of you if he tried but pls he could never survive without you anyway :p

since then you’ve both been best friends for life!  well, ever since the +1 with the introduction of albus potter

and at first you were super happy because yay new friends

but then they kind of stopped hanging out with you in the middle of fifth year or so and went off into their own little world

and you were a little sad

ok maybe a lot sad

but that was okay because that meant you were able to meet new friends and expand your horizons! you even got the chance to focus on yourself and join some new clubs, too!

who even is scorpius anymore lmao you don’t know him

but anyway

it was seventh year and you were so tired of your friends bugging you to get a s/o

“(Y/N) why don’t you date someone?”

“you’d really hit it off with so and so, don’t you think?”

“just put yourself out there”

ರ_ರ

exsqueeze me

so one day you just can’t take it anymore

and maybe you should’ve thought this through but nO

you don’t pause to think things through

because life is for living in the moment hell yes

“guys i’m already dating someone” (▰˘◡˘▰)

needless to say your friends go insane

like who tf is this humans (Y/N) hasn’t mentioned the audacity™

so like any normal person, you say the first name that comes to mind

“hahaha … scorpius!”

your friends stare at you like they’re in the office

blink blink

“but … weren’t you guys just friends”

“NO”

you’re panicking but

hahahahhaha

“we’re in LOVE”

ur friends are really like ok whatever, but go off

and that is how you find yourself dragging yourself over to the slytherin common room and placing your hands on scorpius’s shoulders

“promise me you won’t freak out”

and ofc scorpius is already freaking out

bc why are you sitting in the common room with this crazily determined face and forcing him to listen to you

and this is how you get into this situation

with scorpius screeching and falling off his chair and you doing your best uwu pls help me 911 face

“i can’t DATE you”

what

you give scorpius your best professional face even though inside you’re ???

bc um is it that bad to date you??

you are confused???

you’ve saved scorpius thousands of times in his hogwarts career in both academics and social standing he can afford to pretend to date you ONCE

“WHY NOT”

“BECAUSE”

ರ_ರ

ರ_ರ ರ_ರ

obviously you’re not getting anywhere and you start to stand up, kind of annoyed

“fine then, ig i’ll just find someone else to date me.” sniff

as soon as you say that, it’s like you’ve flipped a switch and suddenly scorpius is very concerned and almost a little upset

and when you don’t notice him contemplating something, he runs in front of you and nearly knocks you over

“second thoughts?”

scorpius scowls

although it looks more like a lil pout pushing at his lips and he crosses his arms

lmao who is this and what’s happened to scorpius

you shrug and start to leave for real until scorpius reaches out to tug at your arm

“NO, NO WAIT … I’LL DO IT”

you whirl around immediately and you are needless to say, very relieved!

｡◕‿◕｡

“perfect!”

but apparently scorpius hasn’t recovered from his fall from before

bc he can’t stop rubbing his hand against his neck and his face is all blotchy and pink

kinda cute, but in a best friends way.  like wowie my best friend looks kinda adorable look at that boy go

but ofc scorpius has to ruin the special moment because he offhandedly says, “shouldn’t we have rules or something?”

rules???

rULES???

this is fake dating scorpius wdyfm rules?

“huh?”

“like … things not to do? maybe one big rule is not ruining our friendship???”

ʘ‿ʘ

oh

he smart smart

“ok easy then, just don’t fall in love with me”

apparently this is the WRONG thing to say?

scorpius is RED like boy is not pink anymore his cheeks are burning red

“you can’t just say that?”

????

you are confused bc what does that even mean

“why not?”

“that’s like ...  y-you you can’t just say that.”

you are, if possible, even more confused?

“okay and?”

scorpius blinks

bls this boy has the audacity to just shrug

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

reader u are duMB af scorpius bout to throw hands here

but he won’t bc he luvs u  (▰˘◡˘▰)

so fifteen minutes later you guys decide to make three big rules

scorpius had a whole list of like twenty but you narrowed it down to these:

1. don’t ruin ur friendship

2. no kissing

3. and ur paying for three hogsmeade rounds after this is over

honestly you think this is kinda rude considering scorpius is richer than ur entire life but whatever, at least he’s not leaving you out to the wolves

so when it’s finally time to put this fake dating thing to the test, you tug scorpius over to your side of the table at the great hall and make sure to swing his hand

which actually feels kind of nice??

like you’ve never actually thought about this before

but scorpius is comforting

his hand fits right in yours, and he’s so warm

and i mean haha it’s not like this is a new thing, pssh you two hold hands all the time!! but adjkaldjkfl not in a dating way

ur friends are shocked

like they never thought you’d actually show up with a DATE

and bc they’re all ruDE they grill scorpius

but scorpius is best boy

best bf

and answers all their questions like a pro

(▰˘◡˘▰)

(▰˘◡˘▰)(▰˘◡˘▰)

ur so proud

you let ur head rest against scorpius’s shoulder and BITCH

scorpius presses a kiss to ur forehead

AJDKFJDSF

why are u so happy? what is this??

it’s just so gentle and soft and you feel your heart getting all mushy and warm

your friends all give a big collective aww because one, they’re annoying af and yes y’all are cute cute and this is cute

but reader ur going through some existential crisis

and later when you’re walking with scorpius to all your classes, you can’t stop thinking that hey, this fakedating thing isn’t that bad

but whatever it’s just cause u miss spending time with scorpius!

yes, that’s it!

you’re just sad that scorpius always hangs out with albus and you don’t get to see him as much

so this is nice!

you’re just going through some bff nostalgia atm pls wait for (y/n).exe to start working again

anyway now bc of this fakedating thing, you and scorpius just spend so much time together

like y’all have always been best friends, but this feels different okay

scorpius will run over to you when he sees you and wrap his arms around your waist

the first time he did it, he had the cuteness to go “is this okay? are you okay?  is this too much?

and YOUR HEART WENT !!!!!

you might’ve blushed

okay you did

but you convince yourself it’s just because ur touch starved

ʘ‿ʘ reader c’mon

but whenever you call scorpius and wave at him, his face just LIGHTS up

and you’re pretty sure yours does too

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *ヽ(◕ヮ◕ヽ)

needless to say you kinda don’t want this all to end

because somewhere in the middle of all this, your head has gone from calling scorpius your fake boyfriend to your real boyfriend

and you don’t really want to go back to just being friends if you’re honest

wait hold up

uh oh

UH OH CODE RED

did you just admit you liked scorpius?? in a REALS way?

◉_◉

◉_◉ ◉_◉ ◉_◉

so like the only way you know how to deal with things, you avoid it!

you start to act really distant

and now whenever scorpius wraps his arms around you, you stiffen up

and scorpius like the angel he is pulls away so quickly bc ?? is his best friend upset? uncomfortable?

did HE make his best friend for life uncomfortable? omg this isn’t ok what is happening

everyone can tell sumn is up

ofc they can, what with you going to the extent of running away whenever you see scorpius and scorpius reacting like the entire light got blown out his life

and bruH scorpius may be innocent but he aiNT dumb

he knows your schedule he KNOWS you ignoring him

and baby is upset

because lately you’ve been starting to feel a lot more to him

and now you’re just gone??

that’s not okay and scorpius isn’t just gonna sit around and be sad

if there’s something he can do he’s gonna do all he can to try to fix it!

he corners you one day and holds up an angry piece of paper

“excuse me m’aam/sir but you broke rule number one which is, in case you forgot, don’t RUIN OUR FRIENDSHIP”

“oh haha uh scorpius! hi uhh gotta blast”

scorpius’s face falls

and that was it

you just wanna smush his face together and tell him things are fine and that you love him

wait WHAT

but scorpius is still staring at you with that wounded look

like you’ve just ripped up his heart and torn it to shreds

bc that’s kinda what you’re doing

omg what’ve you done

READER WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

“scorpius …”

his eyes lock onto yours so fast that you’re afraid he’s got whiplash

your mouth goes dry, and for a few moments it’s hard to talk

but you finally manage to tell him that “i don’t think we should fake date anymore.”

scorpius’s face breaks

his eyes go wide, and it looks like he wants to stagger.  and he almost does, just a little bit

“is it something i did?”

WHAT

this boy

scorpius malfoy really gonna be the death of you

you’re shaking your head back and forth so fast because NO of course not of course this isn’t his fault

scorpius is still teetering back and forth, and his arms start to wrap around himself.  “because i swear i didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.  if i screwed up just tell me and i can fix it, (Y/N), please”

you shake ur head, already starting to panic.  “of course not.  it’s not YOU scorpius. i just can’t fake date you because --”

you clamp your hands over your mouth

“because?” scorpius prompts, his voice careful

you just shake your head, already starting to turn and run back to your dorms because this is stupid and you’re scared

big scared

but scorpius just takes your hand and tugs you backward a bit, almost like a scene from a movie

you do that perfect little twirl back and are face to face with the one and only

“do you … do you like me?” scorpius asks

that’s it

it’s out

you’re ready for your entire friendship with scorpius to come crashing down

“do you?” he repeats softly

you try to pull away but scorpius isn’t having it

he’s still holding onto your hand, gently, of course, and his eyes are boring into yours

you’re too scared to look because you’re afraid of what you’ll find

but when you can’t take it anymore and finally tilt your head up you realize something important

because his eyes aren’t full of disgust

in fact, that’s further from the truth

scorpius malfoy is staring at you with the biggest heart-eyes you’ve ever seen and you’re confused to how you’ve never seen this sooner

it’s almost like you’re his whole world, and now you can’t fucking breathe

is this real?

your heart’s pounding in your chest so fast and there’s something bursting at your lungs

you nod faintly.  “yes.  i like you”

the huge grin that spreads across scorpius’s face is everything

he rushes forward to pull you into a gigantic hug, even lifting you up a little as he spins you around and lets out a little happy shriek

“i’ve liked you forever, (y/n), i can’t believe this is real”

what

so u could’ve been dating scorpius before??

“you dork why didn’t you tell me?”

“because you didn’t like me like that!”

BITCH WHAT

“well maybe i was confused” you pipe back

scorpius just laughs, burying his head in your shoulder crook.  “i’m so happy right now.”

and honestly ?

so are you (´∀｀)♡

[vigilantewives]

UM EXSQUEEZE ME???

BUT THAT IS NOT YOUR STORY TO TELL SAM

WHEN BONNIE IS READY, SHE WOULD TELL FRANK.

HOW FUCKING DARE YOU?

BRING THIS BITCH BACK TO LIFE SO I CAN KILL HIM AGAIN DAFUQ