#bodymen

[amezya]

[franciscofeliciano]

Papi boy 😈

[capinejghafa]

[...] the plague siren began to wail. [...] People paused, their heads up, ears attuned to that sound, a sound they had not heard in more than seven years. Even in Hellgate, prisoners told stories of the Queen’s Lady Plague, the last great wave of sickness to strike Ketterdam, the quarantines, the sickboats, the dead piling up in the streets faster than the bodymen could collect and burn them. “What is that?” asked Kuwei. The corner of Kaz’s mouth curled. “That, Kuwei, is the sound that death makes when she comes calling.”

crooked kingdom | 33 | matthias

[bitchthefuck1]

Something about Kaz hinging his entire plan in Crooked Kingdom on the fact that no one would bother checking on a boy they assumed was dead during the plague is just so...

Like, he remembers lying in that alley with Jordie and watching people walk past and then being rolled onto a pile of corpses by bodymen and staring up at them thinking Wait. I'm still alive. and getting dumped on the Reaper's Barge anyway because no one in this city cares.

"But won't the medic check to see if he's really dead?" No. He won't.

[19burstraat]

I love that kaz's revenge kind of... fails. I really love that he doesn't quite get a satisfying revenge on rollins, and I've always thought that was... well, the point. I said more about the specific scene with pekka here but like. it IS a turning point for kaz, it's just not the one he wanted. kaz gets about three narrative warnings/pieces of foreshadowing that it's not going to go how he wants it to go, but he really doesn't heed them until it's too late.

the first is the broken leg from the heist on the bank that helped pekka scam them; while its main narrative purpose is that it's the source of kaz's disability ofc (which feeds into his personal arc and his dynamic with wylan), and it exists outside of the pekka stuff, it arguably has a secondary purpose as the first in a series of 'don't pursue this, it's going to hurt' warnings, which he ignores.

the second warning comes when kaz lets pekka out at hellgate for personal score settling reasons, wastes time and fucks up the plan, and then starts a big domino effect where rollins turns the dregs on him, teams up with van eck, and hires dunyasha to attack inej.

(there are lots of other mini-nods to kaz absolutely refusing to let go of what happened and it informing everything he does; making nina give muzzen fake firepox, the fake pandemic, his interest in fifth harbour being implied to be because that's where he crawled out of the harbour, his dynamics with jesper and wylan, the body boats taking everyone out of the city, etc, but these are the big slip-ups)

the third strike feeds from that; the sweet reef sugar silo job is an almost perfect copy of the second stage of rollins' scam on jordie and kaz; sugar stock prices being driven up due to scarcity. it going so horribly wrong (because pekka anticipated it, of course he did, he made it up) and almost getting inej killed by dunyasha is a final warning to kaz to, effectively, let go or be dragged. if he carries on living in the past like this, he's going to lose his new family, not just his old one.

I think pekka's inability to remember jordie's name was more crushing than kaz admitted to himself, at least on the page; "it was a start" feels almost defeated after all that, and it lacks closure. kaz only gets one more point of view chapter (iirc?) one which feels quite reticent (it's the council of tides one and it's quite short) and he's quite quiet for the rest of the book, at least until the last inej chapter. he gets probably the cruellest wake-up call he could have been given. he doesn't get what he wants, and he'll never get it, because rollins still can't remember jordie's name by the end of the novel. it's time to move on. to his credit, he does it; he does what he always does, which is rise to a challenge. half of kaz's appeal lies in his ability to do that, no matter how hard the task, but it's a hard bandage to rip off.

unfortunately he does not really let go until he's being dragged, when his idea of what his confrontation with pekka should be like, crumbles in the face of pekka just not being able to remember jordie's name, no matter what kaz does. kaz is dragged to the precipice and told, look– here's inej, here's rollins. choose. and that's when he finally has to let go and start doing things for the future and inej, not the past and rollins and jordie. (remember that bit when he's drowning in SOC and he tries to think of revenge, and he can only think of inej instead? he always knew what he was going to pick, really).

he gets rollins out of ketterdam, but it's definitely hollow, in my estimation; the one thing kaz wanted him to remember, and he couldn't, because it wasn't important to him like it was to kaz. there's one final nod to kaz making everything about what happened to him and jordie (sneaking the grisha, colm, and matthias' body out of the city via the bodyboats and 'the bodymen don't bother to rearrange them') but I think inej saying "he doesn't say goodbye. he just lets go" comes at the perfect point; up until then it wasn't true, but now, kaz has finally been forced to (somewhat) let go, having never ever done that before.

but kaz buying inej her ship and a berth at fifth harbour (where he crawled out of the harbour and vowed to start the entire revenge plot) is a nice indication that he is trying to close that part off and move forwards with her, rather than staying in the past. and I really like that it's inej who actually makes the threat against pekka's life, to make sure he stays out of ketterdam; it's hard to know if kaz told her anything that prompted that visit (if he did, I doubt it was much, and I actually suspect he didn't know she'd gone there at all) but no matter what the circumstances, it indicates that he doesn't have to go on alone anymore, and he can finally turn away from that obsession. shared burdens n that. it's not a sad ending, it's honestly a good one for both of them, but it was a pretty rough journey to get there, and he had to fail first.

[petertingle-yipyip]

STRANGER (vi) - KAZ BREKKER

tags: @beekeepingageissome @shadowzena43 @nikfigueiredo @mp-littlebit @starmansirius @hadesnumber1daughter @directioner5life @strvngestark @hostilityghost @ofmenanduhhhwellmen // previously // next

Pairing: Kaz x Davina Rollins (enemies to lovers)

Word Count: 5,786

Summary: Haunting memories and vivid hallucinations, Davina fights through the surprise takedown and the dynamic nearly shifts. Or maybe, in some sense, it still does.

Kaz dropped his cane as Davina fell against him. One of his hands held her arm still so the other caught her around her back. Her own grip fell away from his sleeve and she was completely still, completely limp.

Jesper was on her other side with panic in his eyes. Kaz knew it was reflected in his own, but when he looked to try and see what Davina was trying to tell him, he saw Per Haskell looking on with a proud smirk.

“Take her to the Slat.” Kaz told Jesper. He didn’t want to hand Davina over, but there was a new rage clawing at the inside of his chest. He heard the feral tone in his voice, felt the tension brewing in his muscles. “Tell no one who she is. Go straight to mine.”

“Kaz…” Jesper said as Kaz placed Davina in his arms.

Kaz drew her hood up, carefully shadowing her face and protecting her identity. She seemed as if she were sleeping and the softness in her features made his heart ache. ‘In another life, maybe’, he told himself. Jesper adjusted his hold on her before he nodded to Kaz.

“Send for Zenik when you get there.” Kaz instructed, Jesper nodding fervently at the tasks being laid out for him.

“What will you do?” Jesper asked. 

“I’m going to get some answers.”

He may not be able to have her in that life, but he would do everything he could to right the wrongs he could. And he would start with Haskell.

—————

“Papa, what if Kaz and Jordie can’t find our new home?” You ask as you skip beside your mother down the path away from your previous home. It was all packed up by the time you woke up and your father informed you that you’d had to move. ‘Mouse problem’ he told you. ‘Can’t have that in your little lungs, now can we?’

You didn’t question it.

“Don’t you worry about it, Davi.” He smiles and reaches down to pat your head. “I left a note for them.”

“Good.” You grin and your father takes your other hand to help your other swing you over a puddle. You land with a fit of giggles. “I like Kaz and Jordie.”

“Do you?” Your father asks but he’s not really interested.

“Yes, they’re my only real friends after all.” You nod. “I hope they find us soon.”

———————

“She didn’t come back, Kol.” Melli said anxiously. “She was only supposed to be there a few hours.”

“I agree she’s taking longer than intended.” Kol nodded. “And I don’t know Davina the same way you do, but I trust that she’ll come back. We’ll need to present that front to the rest of them in the meantime.”

“A front? You’re suggesting we lie to them?” She sounded incredulous, almost offended by the concept.

“I’m suggesting we protect what she’s built.” He put his hands up in surrender. “If something has happened and if her father finds out…”

“He’ll steamroll us.” Melli understood. “You’re right, but… What if one of us goes to the Crow Club to see if there’s anything there? We’re not as known so it wouldn’t seem suspicious.”

“I can get in and out. I don’t have my tattoo yet.”

“Alright… Let’s give it a day or two. In the meantime, see if Nina Zenik knows anything when you go for your lesson.”

———————

“Please, have you seen these boys?” You show the drawing to anyone who’d stop, but hardly anyone stops for a child with a pencil drawing in her hands and tears down her cheeks. “Won’t someone help me?”

You chase down the bodymen every morning as they’re coming off the boats. They warn you to stay back, that they might have the Plague on them, but you stick out your arms with the drawing in your hands.

“Please, Sir.” Your eyes water again but at least you could hide behind the paper. “They’re my only friends.”

“I’m sorry, little one. I think I picked them up last night.” One of the men says and you can hear the sympathy in their voice.

Your arms fall and you know your cheeks are tear-stricken, eyes red and puffy. Your lip quivers and the man can only nod sadly before he leaves.

They were dead… Kaz and Jordie were dead…

You fall to your knees as you sobbed.

—————

Your eyes opened for a moment but couldn’t focus. A sharp pain ignited behind your eyeballs and you slammed them shut. You groaned in pain, covering your face in your hands.

You realized, just barely, that you were laying in a bed. A thin blanket was laid over you and your head was on a soft pillow. Your brows furrowed beneath your hands as you tried to remember what happened.

“Is she gonna be alright?” You heard a voice far off. Maybe he was in the same room, maybe he was on the other side of the door. You had no idea. “What happened to her?”

“Haskell poisoned her.” Another voice, angrier and rougher than the first, answered. It sounded like all his focus was going into keeping himself composed. “It’s a stimulant, mental and physical. He doesn’t know the extent of the effects but he dosed her on purpose. Was damn proud of it, too.”

You knew both of those voices. How did you know those voices? They both seemed to care and that made you feel a bit safer, though the unfamiliar surroundings still left an eerie feeling around you.

“Why would he do that? She couldn’t have provoked him.”

“She could have. I’m sure she could provoke the Devil enough He’d bolt out of Hell if she wanted to, but I doubt she did…  No, he did this because he wants to prove his power.”

“Did she say why was she at the Club?” He sounded nervous.

Kaz is alive? And he was worried about you. He didn’t abandon you as kids and he didn’t die of the Plague.

“I don’t know. She collapsed before she could give a real answer.” 

You tried to sit up, to see Kaz and to talk to him, but the attempted movement caused pain to explode in your head, tightening your chest and weighing down your body. You cried out and collapsed against the mattress. You could’ve sworn you felt your heart stutter in your chest before you fell unconscious again.

—————

It’s dark. There’s seemingly nothing around you. You don’t even feel like a person, just a consciousness. An idea. Do you have a name?

Yes, of course you have a name. But what is it?

“My beautiful little girl.” A woman’s voice comes. But not just any woman, your mother.

She begins to materialize out of the darkness and you find your shape too.

Your name is Davina, Davina Rollins.

“Hello, Davi.” She smiles and cups your face in her hands.

“Hi, Mama.” You smile.

“You’ve grown so beautiful, so strong. It’s been a long time, my sweet girl.”

“Mama…” The idea of your friends wouldn’t leave you, bouncing around your thoughts like a ball of rubber in a box. “Do you remember my friends, Kaz and Jordie?”

Her hands fall away. “The farm boys your father brought in? The ones that ran off and left you in shambles? Yes.”

“They didn’t run off. They were picked up by the bodymen when I was kid.”

“The Queen’s Lady Plague got them?” Her chin turns up in disgust. “Serves them right.”

“Mama!”

“They disgraced your father.”

“Papa lied to them! He called himself Jakob. He stole their money! He left them to die, it’s all his fault!”

Her open hand strikes your cheek and you cry out.

———————

Davina cried out from the bed, twisting and turning like she was trying to get away from something. Her temperature was steady but higher than it should’ve been. Nina had drawn the blanket away and kept a wet towel on her forehead.

“You say she was poisoned?” Nina asked, her hands fluttering gently around Davina.

“Yes.” Kaz answered tightly. He was seated at the edge of the bed, chin resting on balled up fists and his elbows on his knees. “Haskell put something in a drink he gave her. A high dose stimulant, physical and mental.”

“Explains the nonsense she’s mumbling.” Nina said to herself. “She’ll be alright, but what are we to tell her Snakes?”

“They don’t know she’s here.”

“No, but her Heartrender came to the White Rose. He’s worried about her.”

“Why was he there?” Kaz knew he shouldn’t ask. When Davina was lying in the bed beside him, squirming and whimpering as if she was atop pins and needles, he should be focused on her. But of course, his need for information pushed to the forefront.

“I call on him from time to time. He makes me laugh.” She waved him off. He didn’t believe it - considering Davina gave the same reason for visiting Nina - but he had no proof otherwise, so he didn’t ask again. “I told him I hadn’t heard anything but someone should send word that she’s alive.”

“He trusts you?”

“Enough, it seems.”

“Then do it. I don’t care how. I’ll stay with her.”

———————

You’re with Kaz.

You’re sitting in the grass of the front yard of the Rollins’ house. Your brother is kicking his feet on the swing your father made for him. Your mother and your father are laughing as they push him, teasing that he’d fly off.

You look over at Kaz, he has his eyes closed as he faces the sun like a cat. You smile to yourself and as if he knows, he turns to you and returns the smile.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” He laughs before dropping to his back. He folds his arms and tucked his hands neatly behind his head. The motion pulls his rolled sleeves above his elbows and you can just see his interlocked fingers behind his scattered hair.

“I’m glad you’re here.” You say honestly. You shift to lay beside him, nestling yourself in the crook of his arm. That arm comes down and drapes across your chest. You fiddle with his fingers before he takes hold of your hand.

“I’ll be here so long as you have me.”

“Kaz Rietveld. that almost sounds like a proposal.” You tease. “You know, you’ll owe my father a goat.”

“A goat?” He laughs. “Just one? That’s selling yourself short. Dear.”

“Several.” You correct yourself. “And you’ll have to see if my brother approves.”

“Really? And what of my brother?”

“Jordie adores me. I don’t think he’ll mind.”

Jordie… No, that wasn’t right. But he was coming up the path with a basket of snacks.

You look around and realize quite a few things are wrong. It wasn’t the Rollins’ house you’re in front of, but the fake home from before the Rietvelds died. Your brother doesn’t have a swing in that tree. And Kaz, well he has his bare hand in yours with his arms exposed.

That wasn’t right. None of that was right.

———————

“Why is she here, Kaz?” A girl was asking. You knew you recognized the voice, but you couldn’t imagine her face. The anger in her voice was sharp as a blade.

“Where else should I have taken her?” A boy - Kaz - answered. “Left her unconscious in an alley?”

“You could have taken her to her Snakes!”

“They could go to war with us over this. I wasn’t going to risk that.”

“If any of them want to declare war, it’s going to be her. Do you honestly think she’ll be happy to wake up here?” Her disbelief made her laugh. “Saints, Kaz, she’ll probably throw a punch at whoever she sees first.”

“Haskell did this to her, Inej. If I had her brought to the Poisoned Rook, her Heartrender would’ve ended whoever had her. I couldn’t take her to her main building because no one knows where it is. If I left her somewhere, what was to stop Pekka or one of the menagerie owners from grabbing her?”

“She won’t see it that way.”

“You don’t know her.”

“And you do?” That disbelieving laugh again.

Silence.

Your eyes hurt so you closed them again. You whined slightly and tried to rub them, but your limbs still felt too heavy.

“Do you know her?” Inej insisted. You could vaguely remember her then. The Suli girl known as the Wraith who could throw a blade with frightening skill. 

If she was upset with your presence wherever you were, you didn’t think you’d be there much longer.

———————

You feel different, like there was something calling to you in every person. Like every person has their own drumbeat that only your ears could recognize. No, not your ears, but your body. You were you, as a child, but suddenly you were Grisha. Corporalnik. A Healer.

You find two boys in an alley, afflicted by the Queen’s Lady Plague. When the younger one looks at you, you immediately recognize him.

“Kaz.” You breathe a sigh of relief.

“Vina?” He looks at you with watery eyes, a red face with flushed cheeks. “Can you help him?”

You look over and see Jordie, frighteningly still in Kaz’s arms. You gulp. You can hear the bodymen coming.

“I can try.”

———————

You sat upright in the bed, gasping for air. Your eyes adjusted to the unfamiliar setting and you scrambled back until you hit the wall. You could feel your hair stuck to your forehead and the back of your neck, your shirt sticking along the length of your spine. 

You looked all around, trying to get a grip on reality. You were just there. Jordie was right in front of you.

Instead, a hand was on either arm and someone was in front of you. You flicked your hand for your blade but nothing came out. You looked down in a panic and wondered if your cuff was broken. When your eyes finally focused on the figure in front of you, you realized it was Kaz.

Kaz, as he was. With his meticulously combed hair, dark and watchful eyes, his all black outfits. The only thing missing were his gloves and that stupid hat. Where were his gloves?

“Where is he?” You breathed. Your mind was still reeling from your latest dream but there was no imaginary thrum of power in you. You wouldn’t be able to save him even if he was there.

“Who?” Kaz asked and the worry in his tone was reflected in his eyes. “Who are you looking for, Davina?”

“Jordie.” You nearly whispered and you watched his face fall. “He was right here. I was…” You felt the tears threatening and you didn’t bother to stop them as your hands started to shake. “I couldn’t save him. I tried, Kaz, I did.”

“What do you mean?” His voice was low and he carefully brushed his thumb against your cheek. The barest of touch, hardly a gaze of skin, but you felt it like a jolt of electricity. “He’s been gone a long time.”

You took a shaky breath and nodded. You knew Kaz was right, but that didn’t make the dream any less real.

You had to sort through the memories, the hallucinations, and the truth. Talking to your mother about the boys, that never happened. Neither did that afternoon on the lawn. And you never had the chance to help Jordie.

“Is this…” You glanced around, wiping your eyes with your sleeve. You realized you were in the same clothes, despite your cloak being missing, and you didn’t feel the material of the cuffed blade either. “Is this real?”

“Yes.” He answered simply. He had leaned away and gave you a few more inches of space. “Whatever you saw, that wasn’t real. Do you remember what happened?”

“I came to the Crow Club.” You nodded, thinking of the chain of events that ended with you in an unfamiliar bed with Kaz sitting beside you. “I was looking for…”

Did Kaz know of Jesper’s debt to you? You couldn’t say for sure so you kept it to yourself for the time being.

“For someone.” You emphasized, hoping it sounded as if you just couldn’t remember. “And I was hoping for a chance to get my ring back.”

He gave a small smirk before he pulled the chain out from under his collar. Your ring was still at the end and you frowned slightly at the sight. Even if you had gotten into his office, you wouldn’t have found it. For a moment, you considered reaching for it.

“Do you always wear it?” You asked in slight annoyance.

“I know better than to leave something valuable unattended.” He answered proudly before tucking it away again. Getting that back would prove to be more difficult than you expected “What happened next, Davina?”

“I started playing cards to pass the time… I was winning, too.”

You remembered tucking your winnings into your boot, which led you to think about your boots. You kicked the blanket off and saw your feet in only your socks.

“Where are my boots?” You asked quickly.

Kaz pointed to the floor near the edge of the bed. You carefully crawled past him and picked them up. You tipped them over on the bed, seeing the folded bills fall out. You counted them quickly, knowing what was in each stack easily since you always situated your money stacks by the hundreds, and found it was all accounted for. You blew a sigh of relief before putting it all back.

“You think I’d rob you while you were unconscious? You think me so underhanded?” Kaz almost sounded offended.

“I think you’d rob the Ravkan King if he let you close enough.” Your boots hit the floor with a dull thud.

“I had Nina take your boots off because I knew you hated shoes on the bed.”

“My mother hated shoes on the bed.” You countered and he shot you an accusatory look. “But I agree she was right… Wait a minute. You called on your Heartrender?”

“Was I meant to call on yours?” He shrugged.

“You weren’t meant to call on anyone!” You yelled. “You could’ve taken me back to the Rook.”

“Well, you should’ve said that. Oh, that’s right. You collapsed in my arms before you could say anything.”

“I didn’t…” You tried to argue but you trailed off as you thought of what happened.

Haskell pulled you aside, tried to get you to sell. You denied, he gave you a drink that didn’t quite taste right. He wouldn’t let you leave until you finished it. Then you saw Kaz and then…

“What did he give me?” You asked quietly.

“Some sort of poison. He didn't say where it was from.” Kaz answered slowly. “It was stimulant-based, meant to affect your head and your body.”

“I was overwhelmed when I ran into you. It was too loud, too bright, and then I was dizzy. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t think straight.”

“That’s why I had Jesper bring you here.” He seemed to consider reaching for your hand but decided against it. You almost told him he could. “I didn’t want… I couldn’t risk bringing you there and starting a war.”

The same excuse you heard him tell Inej in one of your bouts of borderline lucidity.

“A war… Melli wouldn’t call for it.” You shook your head. “She enjoys the petty crimes of what we do but in my absence, she wouldn’t want that.”

“You’re telling me if you died, no one would want vengeance?” He challenged slightly, and you wondered if it was Dirtyhands asking for intel or if it was Kaz asking if you mattered. But then again, those were the same thing in the end.

“Has anyone come looking?” You asked instead.

“Nina said your Heartrender asked. She was supposed to send word that you were alive.”

You nodded to yourself. If Kol knew you were alive, that was something. All he and Melli had to do was manage a few more hours. However, it did strike you as odd that Kol went to Nina.

“How long have I been here?” Your brows furrowed.

“A few days.” Kaz answered carefully, hesitant for your reaction.

“Saints, I’ve been unconscious here and hallucinating for days?” You practically jumped off the bed. You shoved your hands into your hair as you paced the space. “I need to leave. Where is my hood?”

“You can’t leave yet.” Kaz stood.

“You can’t stop me, Dirtyhands.”

“Trust me, I’ll send you away as soon as it’s safe.” He spat back and the harshness of his tone made you freeze. Your head snapped towards him and his arms were folded, but you could see one of his fingers tapping against his sleeve. “Unfortunately for us both, that’s not an option.”

“And why not?”

“Because it’s broad daylight and what do you think people will think when you come out of my room in the same clothes?” Kaz said plainly. Anyone else would’ve emphasized the implications but Kaz just stared at

you expectantly.

“They’ll think I tumbled with the Bastard.” You sighed. “Great. So I’ll have to sneak out like a shameful nightcap. That’ll be wonderful for my reputation.”

He scoffed slightly and your simple gaze turned to a glare.

“Your reputation wouldn’t be the only one damaged, mind you.” He spoke. 

“Oh, of course.” You bowed sarcastically. “The Almighty, Steadfast Dirtyhands who cannot be seduced or wooed, Saints forbid any woman try. But alas, the Snake manages to bed him. How tragic that’d be.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“You’re too elite a criminal to tumble with the likes of me, correct?” You continued. You didn’t know why you did, but you were just so angry. “A little girl playing dress-up, a wretched little child living off her father’s name. You’re far above that.”

“Davina.” Kaz said firmly.

“Melli would have a grand time with this one.” You muttered to yourself. 

“Alright, enough.” He said firmly and you stared at him as if he had grown an extra limb. Who was he to order you around? “I’ll bring you something to eat and find you a change of clothes. Just stay here.”

You should argue. You should say something ridiculous that’d continue to annoy him, but realistically, he was right. An unarmed Snake among angry Crows was as good as dead. As unhappy as you were, Kaz was looking out for you, and you wouldn’t admit it, but you appreciated it.

“Something with a high collar, if you can.” You said in defeat, a hand coming to your tattoo. “I’d rather not be a target while I’m captive.”

You huffed and dropped onto the bed.

“And I want my cloak and blades back!”

Kaz said something to himself before making his way across the room.

You sat cross legged on the mattress and the images from your daze came back. Young Kaz, begging for your help. Your father’s smile as he lied to you. Your mother slapping you. Laying on Kaz’s chest while he held your  hand. The last one was the illusion that hurt the most.

You pushed the image away but the ghost of a false touch lingered. Instead, you busied your fingers with counting your kruge again.

He came back in soon after. He dropped the folded clothes beside you, a fresh shirt and your cloak, and you simply glanced at them. When you didn’t hear his steps or his cane, you looked up and saw him waiting for something.

“Why did he do it?” You asked, looking for something to fill the silence. You stood and turned your back to him while you peeled your old shirt off.

“Power.” Kaz answered after a moment of silence. “He did it to show he could.”

“To show me or was it intended to be a message to my father?” You pulled your arms through the dark shirt and began buttoning it. It was too big, intended for someone taller than you, but it was clean so you couldn’t complain. “He was going to drag me to the Emerald Palace, wasn’t he?”

“I didn’t care to ask.”

“Well.” You breathed and turned back to face him. You almost laughed when you saw he was particularly interested in something on the wall to his left. “Regretfully, I have to thank you. If I had to go through that alone…”

He finally looked at you. “What did you see?”

Your brows furrowed.

“You woke up and asked about…” He trailed off.

“Right.” You nodded. You sat back on the bed, pulling your cloak into your lap, and motioned for him to come beside you. Hesitantly, he did but there was a sizeable distance between you. “It was fake. I knew it then but still…”

How were you supposed to explain what you had seen?

“I found you and Jordie before the bodymen did. I was trying to help him. I thought- I felt like I could’ve.”

He said nothing. Instead, there was a light tap of his cane against your foot.

“There were memories, too. When we left the house you knew, my father told me he left a note for you boys. I saw when the bodymen told me they had picked you both up.” You sniffled. “Could you imagine little me, in the dress my mother made, falling to my knees in tears and clutching my drawing?” You laughed sadly.

You couldn’t look over at Kaz. You focused on your hands in your lap instead. You thought again of the wretched illusion of the lawn, the brightness of Kaz’s smile, the lightness of his voice. You remembered the way the sun shined on his features and the way his hand felt in yours.

“I never blamed you.” Kaz offered suddenly. You couldn’t bring yourself to lift your eyes, knowing they were probably bloodshot and watery. You still glanced over but you kept your gaze on his knees. At some point, he had moved closer. “Davina…”

“When I could finally move, I went to my father… He told me you two betrayed him, learned what you needed and ran off. He said you never cared about being my friend, but I didn’t believe him… I started to sneak out in the mornings after that. I tried the cafe but it was gone. I went to the bank and the teller said the Rietveld account was empty. It seemed like you two were gone.”

He said nothing, but his knee brushed yours as he shifted.

“I went to talk to my mother about it. She never made me feel bad for liking you and your brother. She even encouraged my drawings, said it’d help keep your memories fresh. ‘You can keep them in your heart, always, but putting them on paper will help you to remember the little things.’ she said… But I found my father first. He was talking to the teller and told him I was there. I heard the teller say that everything went according to my father’s plan. I’ve hated him ever since.”

You finally lifted your eyes and Kaz was already studying you. One of his hands was gripping the blanket, the other holding his cane as it rested across his lap. He had replaced his gloves and his sleeves were long, his black waistcoat fitted neatly.

“You say you don’t blame me but I know you hate me.” You said plainly. “You hate that I was kind and we were friends. You hate that I didn’t give you a reason to hate me from the start. I remind you of my father and your brother…”

“Not all memories are bad.” He said quietly.

You scoffed slightly. “The way you look at your Crows, the way you look at the Wraith, you don’t look at me like that. You look at me the way you look at my father. Hatred. Contempt. Call it what you want.”

“She isn’t like you.” He gently insisted. “Vina, I-“

“All the Saints, you look horrible!” Nina’s voice cut in suddenly and you jumped. “But at least you’re lucid now.”

“Hello, Nina.” You smiled. “And thank you, for everything you did for me.”

She grinned in response and Kaz got to his feet. He nodded to you before he left. His departure left you feeling rather alone, despite Nina being in the room.

“I’ve brought you a treat.” She said happily and it dragged you from the threatening melancholy. Her hands came out from behind her back and she was holding a plate stacked high with waffles. “Obviously it’s meant for us to share.”

“Obviously.” You repeated. “I’m sorry I haven’t come by lately.”

“Don’t worry, Kol explained it.” She came and sat beside you. “Although, he did not mention that.” She nodded towards the entryway. Your brows furrowed and she rolled her eyes. “You and Brekker.”

“What?” Your eyes went wide. “No, it’s not like that. It’s just a shared past. You know, the enemy of my enemy is my friend...”

“Mhmm.” She smirked and plucked a waffle from the pile. “Your words can lie but your heartbeat doesn’t.”

“What do you mean?” You grabbed a waffle of your own.

“It was racing.” She teased. “And just know, Kaz doesn’t let just any woman in his bed. In fact, he’s never let any woman into his bed as far as I know.”

“You’re ridiculous.” You laughed.

“Says the woman wearing his shirt.”

You felt your cheeks flush. Nina noticed almost immediately and she broke out laughing. You frowned and threw a waffle piece at her.

“How is Kol doing with his lessons?” You asked, desperate to change the subject.

“He’s a prodigy.” She nodded, getting the hint. “It’s so easy to teach him. And I assured him you were well. Turns out your lieutenant has been beside herself since you disappeared.”

“Poor Melli.” You frowned. “I need to get back to them soon.”

“Do you feel well enough to leave?” She leaned in a bit to study your face. “Unfortunately, you do look as if you’ve been unconscious and miserable for several days.”

“I feel alright, I guess.” You shrugged and fiddled with the button of the sleeve cuff. “It brought up some horrid memories but physically, nothing feels wrong.”

“I’ll tell Brekker you can leave in a few hours time then.” She offered a sympathetic smile. “You do need to eat and drink some water to get some strength back. I won’t let you leave until you do. Jesper should be-“

As if on cue, Jesper came in with a tray of glasses and a full pitcher. He beamed at you and hurried to put the tray down, nearly dropping it in the process. He sat on your other side, leaned across you to grab a waffle, and put a hand on your shoulder.

“I’m so glad you’re alive.” He said, his mouth full of waffle.

“Hello to you, too.” You laughed and gestured to a water glass. “Yes, I’m alive and well. Thank you for not leaving me on the Club floor.”

“It was Kaz’s idea.” Jesper shrugged before handing you the glass. “I had no idea what to do.”

You frowned and lightly whacked his arm. “You know, I wouldn’t have been in that situation if someone remembered their debts.”

“Ah, yes, about that…” He said nervously. “You see…”

Nina giggled beside you.

“You’re coming up on a second fee, Fahey.” You warned teasingly. “You wouldn’t want this to snowball, would you?”

“Jesper.” Nina clicked her tongue in playful disappointment. “Did you borrow money from dear Davina?”

“Yes, but-“

“Shame on you!” She continued and you suppressed a smile by taking another bite of waffle.

“I’m going to pay her back!”

“That’s what you tell all your creditors.”

“I know, but I mean it this time!”

You had to laugh at that.

“Alright, how about this?” You faced Jesper with a smile. “Since you helped me, I’ll forget the first fee and the upcoming. It’s still a flat eight hundred.”

“Eight hundred?” Nina gasped.

“I was just as surprised as you are.” He laughed. “But I promise, Davina, I will pay you back.”

“I believe you.” You nodded. “If not, I’ll come back and find you. I won’t be so nice all the time.”

“You’re terrifying when you want to be. Do you know that?”

“I’ve been practicing.”

“She might be able to give Kaz a run for his money.” Jesper told Nina, leaning around you.

“Inej still has her beat.” Nina answered.

“The Wraith wasn’t very happy to know I’m here, was she?” You asked carefully. You remembered the anger in her voice, the sharpness it held. If words could cut, no doubt hers would’ve.

Neither of them said anything.

“I shall take that as my cue.” You nodded. You pushed to your feet, set down the glass, and then bent over to shove your feet into your boots. You fit your cloak around your shoulders and felt the blade still tucked into the sheath.

You thought to ask but once your quizzical expression met Nina’s, she winked. You smiled and nodded once before your hand went to where your cuff usually rested.

“Where’s my other blade?” You asked.

“Boss’s desk.” Jesper motioned to the doorway. “Saw it on my way in.”

“Last time I was in his office, he cut me.” You looked towards the doorway. You remembered when you were tied up in that room, how you could just barely see through it and into the room you were currently in.

“That’s just bad manners.” Jesper joked and you smiled slightly.

“Tell Brekker I appreciate the hospitality and, add this part reluctantly, I owe him.”

Jesper nodded and tipped his hat towards you. Nina blew you a kiss.

You took a deep breath and stepped into the office. It was empty, save for you, and you were thankful. Your blade was sitting on his desk, atop a stack of papers, and you hurried for it. You slipped it on, under the sleeve of your borrowed shirt, and glanced at the paper beneath it.

It was your drawing.

He kept it. You wondered why, but when you heard the turning of the doorknob, you moved. You hurried out the closest window and dropped onto the closest roof. You crouched under the windowsill and pulled your hood up, pressing against the Dregs’ building for a minute. When no voices came and no one crawled after you, you began making your way down to find your way back to the Poisoned Rook.

To your friends.

[funnyao3]

Then Jesper looked sharply at Inej. “Wait, you just…. acquired a spare body?”

“Please,” Kaz said. “The body boats run every night in the warehouse district, and the bodymen are not well paid.”

“Right, thank you for that terrifying information,” Jesper said.

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

Don’t Go Blindly Into The Dark

Summary:

To hide that he can't read, Jan Van Eck has been forcing his son to pretend he's blind since he was eight years old. Wylan is now attending Ketterdam University, and meeting Jesper Fahey may very well be about to change his life. But is he safe to tell Jesper the truth? And what will Jesper say if he does?

Jesper is struggling to weigh up his life in the Barrel and his life at the University of Ketterdam, and there's a good chance that his growing debt is about to make the decision for him. He hasn't attended class consecutively for months, but maybe that will change when his newest project includes partnering up with Wylan Van Eck. But can he really leave the Barrel behind him? And how long can he keep up the pretence of who he thinks Wylan wants him to be?

Meanwhile there is a darkness growing in Ketterdam, and it seems a killer may be stalking the streets of West Stave. An unknown evil is closing its jaws over the city, and it’s starting to feel like nowhere is safe.

Tags: @justalunaticfangirl @lunarthecorvus @i-need-help-this-is-my-obsession @devoted-people-hater

If anyone else would like to be tagged let me know :)

Content warnings for this chapter: death references, dead bodies, grief

AO3 link

Chapter 60 - Nina

It had been, in the end, the Squaller from West Stave who managed to bring Nina news of Anya. He had a friend who worked in the Geldin District who knew a Grisha indentured to a house on the Geldstraat who knew a Fabrikator at the Hoede house who was indentured alongside an old Squaller called Retvenko, who claimed to know everybody. Considering how long the trail to reach Retvenko had been, Nina was pretty sure that he didn’t know everybody, but she had been willing to let that technicality slide if he knew anything about Anya. In the end, though, it hadn’t mattered that the Fabrikator, Yuri, he’d been called, knew Retvenko because, first of all, Anya had also been indentured at the Hoede house and, second of all, Yuri was dead. 

Nina sat in her room at the White Rose, staring at the message in front of her. In trying to reach Yuri the person that the Squaller on West Stave’s friend knew had only been dismayed to learn of plague outbreaks in the house, and shortly afterwards of Yuri’s death. They’d managed to get in contact with Retvenko - apparently even if he didn’t know everybody he knew enough people to be reached through multiple different routes - who had confirmed the reports of Yuri’s death, informed them that yes, he knew exactly where Anya was, because she had also been indentured at the Hoede house, and refused to comment on the matter any further. It hadn’t taken too much more digging on Nina’s part to learn of the body in a bedraggled red kefta that had washed up in the harbour the other night and been quickly rushed to the bodymen whilst its discovery was hushed up. 

There was no confirmation it was Anya, was there? There was also no confirmation that it wasn’t - and who else could it be? The best possibility was that she was missing; that she’d run from the house in the wake of some kind of disease outbreak and no-one had been able to track her down. The worst was that she was dead; in her attempt to run, maybe having taken a ship out to try and return to Ravka, she had drowned and washed back up into the Ketterdam harbours. 

Nina didn’t want either of them to be true. 

“I can’t tell him,” she’d lamented to Inej, privately cursing herself for the dramatics when nothing had happened to her herself. 

Inej gave her a knowing glance as she shuffled, settling deeper into her cushions. They were perched on her bed at the Slat, leaning against the wall, pillows propped behind their backs so they were almost comfortable. 

“You know it’s worse if you don’t,” 

Nina nodded.

“I know. I will, I just…” she lowered her head into her hands, staring at the fold of her trousers and the edge of Inej’s quilt cover that was visible between her crossed legs. Her palms were cold against her temples, “I want to give him one good thing. Just one. And all I’m going to do is hurt him,”

She thought of the tall, dark-panelled walls of the Van Eck house, the cold of the room in which she’d first met Wylan, as though in defiance of the fire crackling in the hearth. We aren’t supposed to talk. The hour they had spent in fraught silence, the fire and the distant wind their only company, as he sat still and stiff beneath her touch. He’d been, in some ways, different by the day he came to the White Rose. In the obvious ways, yes, he was thinner and frailer and paler, but in smaller ways too. He talked to her, a little, whilst she worked, and he smiled afterwards - for a moment, even if the tears were coming. 

Inej’s hand closed over Nina’s wrist, an unexpected and almost sharp motion. 

“Look at me,”

Nina turned to face her slowly, gaze rising to meet Inej’s. 

“You are not the one hurting him,”

“Inej-”

“You have to tell him,”

She thought of Wylan’s slow smile, of the grip of his hand around the edge of the chair so tight that his knuckles paled. She thought of the blood rushing to his cheeks with any gentle correction she gave him, of the sheer terror in his eyes when he’d woken from his faint in her room. Nina nodded. 

“Yeah,” she whispered, “I know,”

She hadn’t exactly expected it to happen so quickly though; she’d left Inej on the staircase of the Slat and walked downstairs to find Wylan hovering by the door. He’d said barely anything since she came over, in fact for a minute she hadn’t been sure he was listening to her at all as he continued to sit perfectly still, staring at her hand on his, but when she’d done her best to gently explain that the body they’d found in the harbour may or may not have been Anya’s he adjusted his fingers beneath hers, just a little at first but then turning his hand over properly to return her hold. It was only then that she properly acknowledged he wasn’t just staring at their hands, of course, he simply could not see her. 

He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t have to. Nina let herself fall still, focusing on the feeling of Wylan’s hand in hers, locating his pulse and listening to his breathing. A tear fell down his cheek, and then another and another, but he didn’t move to brush them away. After a moment, she dared to whisper: 

“Do you want me to… to lessen it? I can make it feel…” she hesitated. She didn’t want to say better, “different,”

Wylan seemed to consider this for a moment, but then he shook his head. His voice was soft and low when he ventured: 

“I think I need to feel it,”

Nina nodded, then caught herself and instead just gave Wylan’s hand a gentle squeeze; she didn’t think anything needed to be said out loud. She wasn’t sure how much time passed, though it probably wasn’t many minutes, before footsteps began to clack closer to them through the general noises of the Slat and Jesper’s voice moved tentatively through the air. 

“Nina? - Wylan? Are you alright?”

Wylan drew his hand away from Nina’s with a sharp inhale of breath, reaching to wipe his eyes with his shirt cuff as he turned away. 

“What’s going on?”

A beat passed before Wylan, slightly strained and still not turning towards them, managed: 

“Can you-? Please, I can’t- I-”

“Of course,” said Nina, softly, before nodding for Jesper to follow her a few steps away. 

She filled him in briefly, keeping her voice low, glancing back to Wylan over her shoulder with every other word. He’d barely moved a muscle since they stepped away. 

“Did he say anything?” asked Jesper, quietly, watching Wylan. 

“Not much,”

“Alright,” he gave her a sort of half smile, “Thanks. Are you okay?”

Nina opened her mouth, then closed it again, then managed: 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine,” 

Jesper looked at her for a moment, then nodded and stepped away. 

“Wylan?” 

Wylan didn’t seem to respond. 

“Wylan? Can I take your hand?”

This time he nodded, to which Jesper looked a little relieved, and when Jesper’s hand closed over his he seemed to return the motion. 

“Do you want to go upstairs?” Jesper asked, gently, “We can get some privacy,”

A moment passed before Wylan nodded again, keeping his grip on Jesper’s hand as he stood up. Nina stood and watched them leave in silence. Her chest felt hollow.

[neptune-scythe]

we as a society do not talk enough about the mode of Kaz's trauma being a perfect metaphor for chilldhood trauma.

did I just make a post about this? maybe but it was worded bad and was too short and we gonna talk about it in depth now muahahaha

It's honestly perfectly applicable to any means of childhood trauma, be it neglegt, abuse, or whatever else.

because hear me out.

the firepox represents abuse (you could also use Pekka for this example tbh), Jordie dying, and the bodymen leaving him with the corpses even though he was alive and cried out for help represent neglect.

BUT

to get to the real juice bit

Kaz represents one's inner child, the corpses represent the pieces of oneself you have to kill or push aside to survive. Or just the person you used to be before the trauma changed you. Kaz represents that one small piece that never goes away, that piece that stays alive when everything around dies and decays or evolves into something else (and yes him escaping the reapers barge and metamorphing into something else is a complete contradiction to that statement but we ain't talking about that), the piece that may still cry "I'm alive!" but can't be heard because it's buried so deep

thank you for coming to my tedtalk

(I have so many more thoughts on this actually but I am sick and I'm tryna write a fanfic at the same time and the braincell is not braincelling so this is what you're getting)

[fallindomino]

thinking about the way they adapted kaz’s trauma and didn’t touch inej’s makes me mad. it’s def not a big revelation or anyth but i just wanted to rant abt the idea of “safe” trauma vs “dangerous” trauma, in hollywood’s eyes.

kaz’s backstory, written in simplest terms, is that he and his brother moved to the city as kids after their parents died and got conned out of all their money by a crime boss. soon after plague comes to the city, which kills his brother and brings him as close to death’s door as one gets, leading to them both being thrown out on the barge boats. kaz is too weak to wait for the bodymen to come back, so he is forced to use the dead corpse of his brother as a paddle board to make it back to shore.

and then inej’s is that she slept in for five minutes that one time and was kidnapped and sold to the menagerie by slavers.

i’m not trying to compare the impacts of their trauma on them, they’re equally traumatized imo. but one trauma is easier for hollywood to adapt because to do the other would be polarizing and they’re probably scared to.

but for me this also raises another question about kaz’s trauma, assuming they keep exploring it in a soc spinoff, if it happens. another important aspect of his trauma that does make it different from inej’s is choice. it’s actually the one aspect of his crooked kingdom development they didn’t touch, which gives me some hope it might be used well but idk. in crooked kingdom this idea of an honest man is explored, “who’s the one mark you couldn’t fleece” yk. in (book) pekka’s final confrontation w kaz he even says it, how jordie was a fool and if he hadn’t been trying to cheat to get ahead they never would have been in a position to get conned. did pekka still prey on a child? abso-fucking-lutely, but this idea that jordie fucked up, that by believing he could be smarter than the system he doomed both kaz and himself, is something kaz also has to come to accept.

its something that all the crows’ traumas have in common in the books that make them resonate, and idk if it’s gonna come across as well in the series, that the system failed them all. kaz and jordie, orphans, left with no one to help them make their way. inej, objectified and dehumanized by both men and a fellow woman. jesper, who had unintentionally been raised to be so afraid of who he is that he developed a gambling addiction to cope with and hide it. wylan, who lives in a world where there apparently is no word for dyslexia, stuck with a father who defined his worth as a human being by his “flaw” and never any of his talents, a father who was powerful enough to take lives, including making an attempt on wylan’s own. nina, who was forced into training for the army too young by a war, and then so desperate to please that she jumps into the field, too young, during the reconstruction period, and gets captured. matthias, who was raised on hate after he became vulnerable when his whole family was killed in a grisha raid, to become prejudiced against the entire group of people those responsible belonged to.

well, we’ll always have the books, and i’m in the process of making peace with the fact that this au version of sab and soc is what we’re getting. between the ways trauma is often handled in hollywood, and the differences in attitudes between book writers and screen writers, it kind of makes sense that this is where we are. the cast did a stellar job, no doubt about that, but in a different universe (an au, one might say), we got an adaptation that was faithful to all of the crows’ traumas

[danganronpasurvivoraskblog]

Must be weird having two eyes again after dealing with one for so long. I know you briefly had two in Mikado's NWP but this is something different

It does feel different...In the Neo World, it didn't feel unnatural, like my body was attuned to it...

Now though...?

Hey, how'd you pull this off? Hajime said it wouldn't be possible without damaging me.

Hmph! Shows what HE knows...

I stole an eye that was similar to yours from one of Zetsubou's bodymen.

...You're making jokes...!?

Sorry, that was in poor taste.

I developed it with help from Seiko and Dr Kanata Inori. I figured it would be fair if Kazuichi was the only one getting a body part, so we made one for you two.

Well, thanks I guess.

[rietveild]

❛ i don’t know how you do this everyday… ❜ ➝ @philomelia

WITH A HARD SHOVE OF HIS CANE, kaz rolls the dead body off of the back stoop of madame turney’s and into the alley. the stadwatch would find it eventually, but they didn't patrol in this part of ketterdam. not at this hour. by the time they did find it, it'd have been long enough that they wouldn't care to investigate. the bodymen would collect it and life would move on.

❝ you'll never have to if you consider my offer. ❞ he brushes his gloved hands together and turns to face her, ❝ miss rike, i believe we can help each other. you are, after all, just a different sort of thief. ❞ and perhaps there wasn't honor among the thieves of ketterdam, but there was profit. ❝ you are privy to a specific set of information from your customers. they tell you things they would not speak to anyone else. in exchange for that information, my dregs can offer protection and peace. keeping idiots like that, ❞ he jerks his head in the general direction of the body, ❝ away from your business. ❞

[hubzzstuff]

Work is fun, this week went by quick.

Not alot of rush orders on any vehicle, just a steady line of cars to wash. Handed from Painter or bodymen to me.

I love washing cars, always learning something new here.

I just want to use the blowtorch. That's what I want to fuck around with

[carlisledollanganger]

Good day 🥰 ▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️ ▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️▪️ #boy #men #man #pic #stayhome #bodymen #gray #grayeyes #eyes #morningpic #morning #saturday #saturdayvibes #american #lightskinboys #photo #instagram #stayhomeclub #saturdaymorning #mood #goodmorning #boys #gymboy #gymman #gymathome #image #portrait #selfie #cuteselfie #selfietime https://www.instagram.com/p/B-2P5mMjDHk/?utm_medium=tumblr

[sirquickie]

© 1981, August, photo by Stanley Stellar. #lgbthistory #christopherstreet #vintage #retro #fashionstyle #fashion80s #80style #vintagemen #vintagecity #vintagestreet #fitnessmodel #aerobics #bodymen #summertime #1980s #80s (at Hudson River Greenway) https://www.instagram.com/p/B3Y5QKMId4M/?igshid=1l6nhipr1c5er

[19burstraat]

In time, he almost forgot what he had once been able to do. Water was his most ardent foe, not an ally. Water was the bodymen’s boats, Reaper’s Barge, and Jordie’s corpse. The water had given, and could give him, nothing that he wanted. It would make no bargain with him that could be worth it– so he would not try. He eked out his fortune and his revenge with every bloody punch and petty swindle and broken bone. He ignored the hiss and slap of the filthy water in the canals that wended through the city, the roar of the waves at the harbour that smashed boats to pieces, the sinuous curl of the mist on wet nights that got you jumped if you weren’t paying close enough attention. The Ketterdam water had a touch of the mocking about it– a determination to be as awful and monstrous and polluted as he was. But Kaz didn’t need a reminder of what he’d become. The water had his brother; it would not have him, too. --- Assuming Kaz was a Tidemaker; what, then?

possibly the worst timing EVER (or the best considering how you look at it) but er. I er. posted the first bit of my kaz tidemaker au fic today???? if you want it???