#brotzly because yes

[corvidiss]

idk what this is but courtesy of my brain while i was half asleep last night thinking soft things. woe, brotzly be upon ye

—

“Take control of your life, Dirk.”

Dirk looks at him. “Is that a British accent?”

“I don’t do accents.”

That’s his British accent. That’s Todd’s British accent. It’s brilliant. Brilliantly awful, that is. It’s terrible and it makes Dirk want to jump up and down on the spot lots of times. Instead, he says, “No, I love it.”

And Todd goes… sort of squishy– No, not squishy, more– soft and fuzzy round the edges, like– like a kitten, warming and healing– And then Todd steps up, puts his hands on Dirk’s shoulders and–

Right.

This is, Dirk is aware, what is called “a kiss.” And it’s–

It’s–

It’s not how he expected. Largely due to the fact that he did not expect it at all – but he’s realising, staring at the blurred, headache-close view of Todd’s face, that all those times he’s had Thoughts – of going close to Todd, and, and Being close to Todd, and– general very much Closeness – were all that time quietly keening for this.

And this is…

Well, okay, he’s seen it before, occasionally, in the background, but it’s not like he ever looked closely because that would be weird, and also weird – and it turns out, it’s not– well it’s sort of messy. Kind of. Like– like trying to put two jigsaw pieces together when they come from different boxes and the wiggly bits don’t actually match up, except the wiggly bits are soft and fleshy and–

He should stop thinking about this.

He has, he’s finding out, no idea what he’s doing. Really, really no idea what he’s doing. There aren’t instructions for this, just like there aren’t instructions for anything in any of life which is really quite stupid, actually, but this is extremely very unnavigable and indecipherable and he should get out of this and scuttle away before he makes everything go wrong, but–

Well–

Okay so the thing is. The thing is. Even with the flesh jigsaw and the Not Knowing and the Get Out warnings in his head, even with all of that, it’s, well–

Nice.

Which is weird.

But also, weirdly, not weird. It’s sort of like falling into a shockingly cold pond and then finding, under the surface, right down at the bottom, a little mossy chest of gold you lost when you were five.

Or something.

Todd disconnects himself and takes half a step back. He has an expression which is like expectation, but conditional, and wobbly.

Dirk lifts a finger, opens his mouth, and then discovers that, for once, he cannot think of anything to say.

It’s not that there isn’t anything to say. He feels like there are Many Many things he wants to say but they’re all buried in the static pond at the bottom of his mind and won’t rise high enough to translate into speakable words. So he just. Stands there.

But Todd’s face is sliding towards Fear and Regret with a side of Grilled Concern and he’s taking another step away and something in Dirk Goes Off with a familiar little twing that says This Is Bad, so he steps into the gap Todd put between them and raises a hand and… And realises he still has no idea what he’s doing. So he just sort of puts his pointy finger on the soft bit between Todd’s collar bone and ribcage, and. Smiles.

Todd (thankfully) gets the message.

[clockworkcheetah]

yes im aware most of these are s2 (also i know the pride comic could/should be an option but wanted to keep it to the show also i ran out of options)

[urlocallesbiab]

ok folks, inspired by This Post (thank you for inspiration and ideas, @agent-p-94/@generalized-incompetence!), i present to you:

brotzly fake dating couple's therapy au; in the form of tumblr messages/a campfire story/an unwitten fic rundown

me: the thing is, they'd PASS

within 10 minutes of knowing each other they'd get so PISSED OFF it'd fill up an entire therapy session

just "YOU NEVER SHUT UP" and "YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME" and "I'VE NEVER MET A DUMBER PERSON" and "I'M SICK TO DEATH OF YOU CRITIQUING MY MUSIC TASTE" and "YOUR DRIVING SKILLS ARE GOING TO GET US KILLED I SWEAR TO GOD" nonstop rapid-fire with therapist barely able to squeeze a "gentlemen, please!" inbetween

and then they'd stumble out of the building and LAUGH, laugh so hard they'd be clinging to each other near falling to the ground, todd croaking that this is the best stress-release activity he'd done in YEARS, dirk clutching his stomach and crying and highlighting the best of todd insults

both would admit this is the BEST first date ever and schedule the next therapy session

every time they'd spend like 10-30 minutes getting to know each other better, and then full 45 just kvetching, sometimes just YELLING at the top of their lungs to their hearts' delight at the therapist office

agent: The best of Todd insults!!! Omg

They just argue nonstop anyway it's just a space to do that

me: and one day dirk would bring in rings, just plain metal ones (but no one has to know), justify that well, if this is a marriage ruse we might as well up our game, right? but he'd be weirdly skittish and self-conscious about it, like he's overstepping an invisible boundary; but todd would be *down* for it — he would be down for most of dirk's stupid bullshit, it's been so long since he's done any proper good shenanigans, since his life was even half this fun!

and then he'd try on the ring and laugh again because it *doesn't fit*, and dirk would get half-jokingly defensive that he didn't know his size!!, and todd would let him take the measuremnts (bc for what purpose would he know his own ring finger size), and dirk's breath would catch holy and uncomfortably

next time, dirk would get him a good, fitting ring, and it'd make weird things shift in his stomach

agent: OR it would be the RIGHT size, holistically

And he's like well I have to wear it now

And maybe they actually stumble upon something real in the middle of it - Dirk is going full monologue about the dishwasher and he says something and todd stops yelling back and looks unusually affected and is like wait...really? And then they just stare at each other for a minute and Todd is like ...I never knew that. And then they stare some more. And then the therapist is like ummm our time is up? I'm just gonna... Go? And then they're really quiet on the drive home but the next morning they have a new understanding

me: DIRK LETTING HIS TRAUMA PEEK THROUGH AND TODD ACCEPTING IT WHOLEHEARTEDLY

it's silent the whole ride, but just before he drops dirk off (dirk had been BANNED from the wheel since their first date/session) he goes "so, this..... [dryly, as not to disturb, sums up dirk's thing] it's real?"

dirk, usually so talkative, just helplessly shrugs, then shakes his head at himself, then somberly nods a few times, confirming that yes.

todd puts a hand on his knee and goes "dude. this is messed up. i'm so sorry."

dirk just nods some more, tearing up, because even though the words are simple, he's never heard anyone say them, never dared to share, and it hits him so deeply and painfully to be finally validated

he stumbles home, and cries for the whole evening, and feels lighter than usual afterwards

agent: The tragicomedy of falling in love with your own husband...........

me: i think for WORST results they agree it's just a fun platonic thing for shits and giggles before they meet up for the first time

and like, in the therapist's office they're this TERRIBLE couple who HATES each other, and outside of it they're just two guys being dudes, and romance, even fake, exists only in glimpses and doorways, and when the pit of longing opens, there's utterly nothing to stuff in it but stolen glances.

farah is the same therapist's normal patient with actual mental health issues she's trying to work through, and when they meet her in the waiting lobby for the first time they UTTERLY FAIL to convince her that their shtick is real, so they resort to *begging* her not to sell them out, and even though she's really on the fence about the whole thing and is unsure if it's morally okay to do, she gives in to dirk's Professional Puppy Eyes

after a while she gets unashamedly invested and demands they fill her in on the newest lies

maybe in one of dirk's bluffs/"attempts to hone the backstory" he invites himself to todd's apartment to better learn his habits and where he lacks in his homesteading

("well, when do i get to learn what chores do *you* fuck up?" todd asks playfully

"oh, just all of them!" dirk answers nonchalantly

in truth, he just doesn't want todd to see his barely lived-in, depressinly dirty short-term rented apartment. in the time dirk's been here, this city hasn't started feeling any more like a home.

in truth, dirk posted that stupid craigslist ad on his first week here, drunk and lonely and in mood for hijinks and out of his mind desperate for human connection; todd was actually looking for some simple one-off jobs to earn some quick buck, but couldn't resist a Stupid Idea when it dangled itself in his face)

todd gives him a quick tour, dirk half-heartedly criticizes the 3 dirty dishes in the sink and the mildly overflowing laundry hamper, and then for most of the evening they drink beer and play card games with todd's trusty ratty 10 years old deck that misses a jocker and a two of hearts (they decide to forgo the twos altogether) but overall is fine, dirk teaches him a couple of weird local games he'd picked up over the years, then tries to do card tricks but gets half of them wrong, they laugh a lot, todd makes grilled cheese, dirk says that if they ever feel the need to add a dash of appreciation into their sessions — just for some contrast and zest — then he'll admit that he *adores* todd's cooking, todd smiles bashfully and says man that's just some grilled cheese it's not that big of a deal

they pass out on the couch together, and dirk wakes up with a sore neck, sour mouth, and entangled limbs, and feels so at peace and right, and doesn't move, wishes for todd to sleep for longer, just so they could stay like this

then they find out todd doesnt have a spare toothbrush, so dirk has to make do with some gum while todd apologizes profusely

todd's got a shift in the late morning, so they do an awkward half-hug with back-patting, and dirk leaves

when dirk's getting himself a late breakfast at the corner store, he almost buys himself a toothbrush to keep in todd's apartment; then discards the thought; then buys it anyway, but tells himself it's a spare one for his own home, for when he'll need to throw the old one out. he never brings up the toothbrush thing around todd.

also he thinks it's a shame he couldn't brush his teeth, because then he could've kissed todd without worrying about bad breath; he discards that thought even quicker and farther

during one of the sessions, todd accidentaly makes a comment that actually gets to dirk, that makes him feel self-conscious and inadequate and upset

after they've done for the day, dirk asks if this is how todd *really* feels about him?.. todd says no, of course not! all of this is in good fun, just a friendly yelling match. he'd never say *anything* with an actual intention to hurt dirk; now that dirk brought that comment up, todd's never going to repeat it

"you seem like a good guy, you know? i genuinely like you," todd says

dirk feels very very warm

and maybe they sometimes spend time after the sessions too, and sometimes even on free days, just hanging out, relaxed and having fun, enjoying the company

and maybe one day it goes a little too well, and dirk gets a little too brave, and admits to todd that he's started feeling some kind of romantic interest, and asks if he would maybe like an actual date some other time

todd snaps at him.

tells dirk that he's only seen glimpses of todd, that these joke-sessions and little hang-outs show almost nothing of the real him, that he's a *mess*, that dirk doesn't know what he's getting himself into and should back off, that todd's a horrible person who's not worth the trouble

dirk tries to get to him, but todd gets even more defensive, even more closed off, pushes him away, makes that awful painful comment he'd promised he wouldn't say.

they don't show up for the next session.

dirk mops by the building on the scheduled day anyway, because he dislikes his routines disrupted when it's not him doing that, and because he's got nowhere to go, and because he secretly hopes todd will come around anyway (he doesn't.)

he meets farah after her actual session: she's had a Bad one today and is distraught, and dirk suggests they get hammered together. farah thinks it's an unhealthy coping mechanism, but after all of 15 seconds of deliberating she agrees

then she cries into his shoulder about her family and expectations and failed police exams and that she's a *failure* and will never get better, and he shakes her by the shoulders and near-yells that she's AMAZING, and fuck her family, and all cops are bastards anyway! she gets affronted and mentions her brothers and father, then realizes those people Are fucking bastards, then laughs and agrees with dirk and cries some more

dirk spills his entire conundrum, start to finish, only 5 useless tangents for the length of the whole thing which is not too bad of a ratio by his own measures, and farah tells him that todd's bullshit is Bullshit, capital B! if therapy taught her *anything* is that any person is capable of change ("you don't need to change yourself though," dirk pipes up; "YEAH, IM FUCKING PERFECT!" farah answers triumphantly), that this is just stupid excuses for excuses! (yeah!) and if dirk thinks that *farah*, with All her failures and fuck-ups, is not a lost cause (of course not!), then neither is todd! (damn, you're making a point!)

they swap some more personal stories, farah almost has a lesbian crisis in front of him but decides to throw up instead, and they leave the bar mostly in good spirits

dirk sleeps all of it off, but the next morning, even though Severely Hangover, he is no less determined.

he stakes out todd's apartment building (he did drop him off the first time; and even though he doesn't remember the adress for shit after all this time, he Luckes Out [after stubbornly cruising the general area for two hours straight])

and confronts him. tells todd that their friendship has been meaningful for dirk, no matter how little todd might think of it. (todd winces. he doesn't say it, but all of this was close to his heart too; he never meant to come off like he did, save for coming clean as an asshole; he *does* care about dirk, rather unreasonably much.) that dirk doesn't ask todd to give *him* a chance, but give *himself* a chance. that no person is irredeemable.

todd is eerily quiet. he invites dirk in, makes him some tea. sits silently at the table for a few minutes. and then, it all spills out: what he'd done to his band, to his *sister*, to himself; what a true actual hopeless horrible Asshole he is. he gets almost angry halfway through, voice rising, — either at dirk or at himself, it's not clear. dirk sits it all out. tells todd that is isn't the worst it could've been. todd begins to snap at him, but bites his mouth, and just buries his head in his arms, hiding. his head is so very heavy. dirk gives him a small solemn lecture about how past perfomance is not a predictor of future results, how it's never late to just *stop* being an asshole. how he's dirk's friend, how he's been kind to him, and dirk trusts him to continue to be kind, to build his life forward. ("*kind* to you? after i'd said that [hurtful thing] — the second time, *deliberately?" todd is bitter and baffled. "i forgive you for it. that's what friends do." dirk says like it's obvious). dirk places his trust in todd. todd struggles to process all that, he just lies on the table neither crying nor breathing; dirk talks to fill up the space, and to make good use of his trust. he tells todd all about his childhood trauma, in great, visceral detail, like he's pulling his guts out; he starts crying halfway through. todd hugs him really, really hard, and doesn’t let go for a while.

todd promises he'll come clean to amanda. dirk promises he'll start looking into therapy for his cptsd. they promise to each other they're friends, best friends.

they come in for the last fake-session with that therapist, just to tie a pretty bow on this whole thing: to tell them they're finally getting divorced, and will not require their services anymore. poor person breaks with an actual heavy sigh of *relief*.

dirk starts seeing a new therapist — not this one, thankfully; farah recommends him an old one she used to work with. she couldn't quite find a good rhythm with him, but she thinks he might be a nice match for dirk. he ends up being exactly that.

todd isn't yet ready for therapy, and dirk is accepting of that. amanda's not talking to him anymore, and he's *not* taking it in stride, but he's holding up as best as he can, and dirk holds his hand through it.

they do have an Actual Date with Romantic Intenstions — it goes remarkably well, even though they bicker for half the duration of it. it's all in good fun <3

they don't wear the rings anymore, but keep them as a memento; both feel weirdly sentimental about them. dirk does finally buy a new toothbrush for himself to keep in todd's apartment.

farah does end up having a lesbian crisis in front of her therapist, the one that todd and dirk have been torturing. poor soul.

[teacupsandcyanide]

been watching Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares on the ol YT and, because i have dghda disease and have strayed from the holy path, was joking to @goldenaltar about a Kitchen Nightmares DGHDA AU

this thought would have almost certainly happened anyway bc one of my brain's favourite things is taking Media A and Media B and making them kiss, but it was also provoked by the episode i happened to be watching, wherein a head chef and the restaurant manager cannot get along, Ramsey is like "what's with you guys? you hate each other, yeah?" and the chef is like "pretty much, yeah"

i pointed at the screen, hailed jack's attention, and went "haha brotzly enemies to lovers kitchen nightmares 70k" like i do on a tuesday night. we spitballed about a kitchen nightmares au and then i went on to watch the rest of the ep and it was ??? a lot. presumably because it had been edited a certain way, but it was kind of enemies to lovers kitchen nightmares 70k?

this is the episode, the head chef is called Philippe and the manager is called Dave. they hate each other and it is Fascinating. Please understand that this is very much NOT me shipping these two real people, this is me looking at the footage and going "the tension between these two is unnecessarily bizarre". I know rationally it's just two guys who truly truly hate each other SO much, and then that's been edited along with slightly homophobic jokes about how haha they hate each other so much it's like they're married. but also. they hate each other so much and the resulting dynamic is so weird.

I didn't give it much thought to begin with but it kept piling up. A summary of things that occur throughout the ep:

They are constantly shouting at each other. Dave hates serving Philippe's food to people (who invariably hate the food and blame the food-bearer, Dave). Philippe does not appreciate hearing this from Dave

At one point Ramsey uses an egg as a talking stick and is like "Ok Philippe can you please explain why you hate Dave's guts" and Philippe proceeds to rant TO Dave that he hates Dave and that Dave doesn't know anything and oh Dave thinks he can do whatever he likes just because he's "the most beautiful"

Dave takes the talking egg and tells Philippe to "stop being a stubborn fucking French bastard"

They all do a team bonding exercise where they have to make guacamole in pairs with Person A sitting in the lap of Person B; Person A can see what they're doing but can't use their hands and has to verbally direct Person B, who is blindfolded. Dave and Philippe obviously got put together and won the exercise. Dave sucked/licked some of the guac off Philippe's hand to taste it???

They either got along better or the editing framed it thusly and Ramsey did a toast to them as "the happy couple" and congratulated them on completing marriage counselling

They get some new kitchen equipment and Philippe jokes that he's going to take it home and sleep with it instead of Dave. Like I truly could put everything else down to reality tv edit and production finagling but what

Also yes they are a frenchman and an englishman and yes that contributes to the weird tension between them

[sacred-algae]

Nights Like These

It's no secret that Todd is bad at feelings. Bad at expressing them, bad at handling them. Really bad at handling them. Because Dirk has a boyfriend. A boyfriend who isn't Todd. And it tears him apart. All he ever feels any more is hopelessness. And tonight was no different. Until it was. It was about to be VERY different.

Rating: Teen

Word Count: 2,851

       It was nights like these where Todd didn’t like to think. He wished he was incapable of thinking. Screw that, he wished he didn’t love him. 

       He’d never been in love before and oh how he wishes he wasn’t right now. 

       Because this sucked. It hurt like hell. 

       Having to see him every day. See his beautiful smile and perfect eyes and know that he didn’t love him back.

       Being in love with Dirk was one thing a month ago. 

       He always knew he liked him, well, not always, but when he realized he was in love with him… That was another story. 

       He felt like he was walking on air when he realized it. He realized how lucky he was to have him in his life and how happy he made him.

       He even started flirting with him, to no avail but he still did.

       And it felt right. One day he would get the courage to ask him out. 

        But before that day came… the worst day of his life came. 

       He got a boyfriend.

       A boyfriend that wasn’t Todd.

       And ever since then it’s been “Brett this, Brett that,” and he wanted to punch that bastard right in the nose!

       … But he made Dirk happy. And so Todd was happy if he was happy.

       Scratch that. Todd was very unhappy. 

       He wanted to die every time Brett kissed Dirk, he wanted to cry every time he saw them holding hands, he wanted to punch the wall when he heard the exchange of pet-names, he wanted to scream every time smiled at his phone after getting a text from him.

       He was miserable. He had gone from being depressed before Dirk to being the happiest in his life to being happier to being even more depressed and it was horrible.

        So yes, he thought about this every night. What made this night worse than the other nights, what made this night “nights like these”?

       It was date night. 

       The night of the week where he wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. 

       So he did. 

       And he sobbed.

        And to make matters worse, his episodes have always been more emotionally fueled so “date night” was always a reliable alarm clock for his body to betray him. 

       And to make matters even worse, it was their one month anniversary, and Dirk was all excited about their big date.

       So he had to buckle up for a long, sleepless, painful, night.

        And his first attack of the night was over.

       He sat on the bathroom floor, huddled in the corner between the sink cabinet and the wall, shaking violently as his post-attack nerves calmed down. Breathing heavily as tears streamed down his hot face, head whirring.

       And it was only 10:00.

        It was only 10:00 when he heard a knock on his door. 

        Stumbling, he stood up and wiped his eyes on his flannel sleeve as he approached the door.

       And he was ready to kill a bitch when he saw who was on the other side of the door, sobbing.

       “Oh my god, Dirk what happened? Are you ok?” 

       He flung himself into Todd’s arms. “He pulled a Warner, Todd,” he choked between tears.

       “He pulled a what?” Todd stood flabbergasted, not quite sure on whether or not he should return the hug, but then he did, Dirk needed him.

       “Like that musical, Pink Lawyer.”

       “Oh, you mean Legally Blonde? And that was a movie before it was a musical.”

       “But I like the musical better. I like the song 'Gay or European', it's like a song about me.”

       “Whatever you say, Dirk. What happened, what do you mean he pulled a Warner?” And then it hit him, “Oh my god, he didn’t!”

       “Mmhmm,” Dirk gave a sad, affirmative hum and nodded into Todd’s shoulder.

       “On your anniversary?! THAT DICK!”

       Dirk laughed slightly.

       “What-” Todd wasn’t good at this, in fact, he was very bad at this. “What do you need?”

       Dirk pulled back and looked at Todd confused. His eyes red, swollen, and glossy. He hated seeing him like this. He wanted to hold him until the end of time and make sure he was never upset again. The things he was going to say to Brett- but he needed to focus on Dirk right now.

       “I mean, you came to me for a reason, right? What do you need?”

       He stood silent for a moment, not really understanding the question. In all honesty, his brain couldn’t process much at the moment. “Right, why I’m here, um, yes! I-” he sighed, “I don’t know. Universe said I should come here.”

       Damn you universe,  Todd thought. 

       “Ok.” His mind shuffled around the possible answers to this. In the past he would have made some flirty joke like, “oh, the universe wanted you to be here, huh?” or something or other but he wasn’t past Todd. He was present Todd and he would be there for Dirk. And he doubted the universe actually wanted that to be honest. He would always just be friends with Dirk. Hopelessly and endlessly. “Come in then, want to talk?”

       “Maybe,” he sniffed as he walked in. “I don’t know. I just want to be here.” He paused for a moment. “Do you have any tea?”

       Todd smiled, “Always.” He walked over to the kitchenette and dug through the pantries as Dirk sat down. “What type?”

       Dirk beamed, “You have more than one type? You don’t even like tea.”

       Todd had started keeping tea around in case of situations like these. Not break-ups specifically, he hadn’t planned for those, but any situation where Dirk needed some comfort. And he didn’t know what Dirk preferred so he just bought a lot of different types.

       “Yeah, what type?”

       “I don’t know. Do you have lemon? Sour tea to fit my sour mood.” He sunk into the sofa. 

       “Don’t be like that, Dirk.” He heated up a mug of water in the microwave, receiving a wince from Dirk but he was just happy Todd was trying. “I’m assuming you want milk and sugar in it?”

       “Yes, please.” Todd chuckled. 

       He put the teabag in the mug and grabbed the milk carton, a spoon, and the sugar and clumsily carried it all back to the couch. 

       “Thank you, Todd.” He smiled through his pooling grey-blue eyes.

       They sat like that for a while. Staring at the wall. A million thoughts flooding through their heads.

       The main one in Todd’s head? He was going to fucking kill Brett. He should have fucking known, with a name like Brett. And his stupid books, and his stupid sweater vests, and his stupid perfect hair, and his stupid collection of snobby tea. Now that he thinks about it he was really perfect for Dirk, Dirk didn’t want some punk-reject. He wanted an elegant refined man, not a scrumpy hobbit asshole of a man. NO! Brett was a dick. An absolute dick and he hurt Dirk. No one hurts Dirk on Todd’s watch. Not unless they want to get killed. 

       It wasn’t like he couldn’t do it. He could blame it on a holistic situation next case. Yes, brilliant. He would find some way to drag him into it push him into the danger. It was perfect, foolproof, and oh my fucking god was he really plotting a murder right now? He needed to focus on Dirk. Who had just started crying again, oh god he was bad at this. 

       Todd looked over to him. He sat rigidly. The warm mug in his hands, somewhat of a grounding stim, his head tucked into his chest as his tears fell. 

       He cleared his throat and nervously spoke up. “Need to talk about it? Sometimes venting helps.”

       Dirk bit his lip and wordlessly nodded before turning to Todd.

       “It was a stupid reason, really,” he sniffled.

       “Any reason to break up with someone as amazing as you is stupid in my books.” Dirk smiled. Smiling was good.

       “No. There are plenty of good reasons. I’m annoying, I talk too much, I’m dangerous, I’m an idiotic fool-”

       “Stop with all the negative talk,” Todd said sternly.

       “But it really was a stupidly stupid reason. I… I was telling him the story of our cases-”

       “Ooo which one?”

       “The Coconut Caper.” He set the mug down on the coffee table with the rest of the stuff Todd had brought out.

       “That was a fun one,” They laughed for a moment reminiscing on it. The Coconut Caper was one of their more… well… heated cases. There was a lot of tension there on both their parts, but both of them only recognized his own feelings and was completely oblivious as to the other’s.

       “So I was telling him the story and out of nowhere, he got mad! He said… he said he was tired of hearing about you.”

       What?

       “That it’s always ‘Todd, this and Todd, that’ and he was sick of it. And- and,” he stuttered to get the words out. “And said he was sick of it, and that it was all I ever talked about and- and,” He fell into Todd’s shoulder, covering his face with his hands. Regretting what he was about to say before he even said it, but Todd asked so he would say it. He would play it off as if it wasn’t true. “He said he thought I was in love with you… and then he dumped me!”

       A question burned into the back of Todd’s mind. A question he knew he shouldn’t ask for fear of losing everything, and pushing Dirk farther than he needed tonight... But the question remained, it refused to leave. It wasn’t going to go away unless he asked. 

       So Todd made the rash decision to ask said question, a decision he knew as the sentence formed out of his mouth he would later regret as he already knew the answer but something told him he didn’t know the full truth. He needed the full truth. He needed all of it. 

       And so he asked the question.

       “Dirk, do you love me?” His voice shook like the after-shock in a house seated across the street from a quarry. His face burning hot, his own eyes filling with salty betrayal. 

       “Uh-buh-buh-buh,” He sat up abruptly, straightening himself out, his mouth flapped like a fish. “What an odd question, Todd.” Dirk sat back up with a very bad look of hiding the truth. Todd almost let the corners of his mouth upturn. He thought he knew the answer, and he thought it might be the one he wanted after all of this time. 

       “Dirk, answer the question.” His voice slowly losing its tough persona.

       “You see, it’s a very complex answer, that question, Todd.”

       “Answer the goddamn question!”

       “Ok fine. You want the truth? Here’s the truth! I’m in love with you... I always have been but I know you don’t love me and so that’s why I started dating Brett.” 

       “Dirk-” His voice even softer now, a pang in his chest, heartbreaking at the thought of Dirk not knowing and feeling the way he did, knowing Dirk felt all of the pain Todd did.

       “LET ME FINISH. I thought if I dated someone else I would forget about you and stop loving you but the truth is I can’t.” He started crying, again. “I can’t forget you. I can’t, Todd. I’m sorry-”

       “Dirk-” More insistent.

       “SHUT UP FOR ONE BLOODY FUCKING MINUTE AND LET ME FUCKING GET THIS OVER WITH BECAUSE THIS IS FUCKING HARD!” Woah. He shouted at the top of his lungs before returning to normal, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Half apologizing for freaking out and half apologizing for his feelings. “I am. I can’t help it, I can’t help that I love you but I do.”

       He sped up almost incoherently, vomiting out words, not caring if he was repeating himself or saying things that didn’t make sense. Let him choose his words and tone for this ok? Like he said, this was hard. “Just promise me, promise me you won’t leave because I don’t think I could take it because honestly you saved my life in so many ways not only physical and I couldn’t bear if you left so promise me you won't leave and I don’t care if you aren’t my best friend anymore just don’t drop off the face of the earth and promise me-”

       “Dirk-”

       “SHUT UP, TODD.”

       “I LOVE YOU!”

        Dirk jolted back, not quite sure if he heard Todd right. If his mind was playing tricks on him, if Todd was playing tricks on him.

       “Oh, now you’re just being cruel.” His voice accusatory.

       “No, I do!” His voice defensive.

       “You’re just saying that to shut me up. Because I’m annoying and stupid and-”

       “What did I say about saying that about yourself?” 

       “Not to.” He pouted, “But you don’t. I think I would have figured that out by now.”

       “I didn’t figure it out”

       “Yes, but you’re just saying that. How do I know you love me?”

       Todd smiled. The first time he smiled that night. 

        “Because I do. Because you changed me. You made me a better person. And my life was boring before I knew you. And it sucked. And I know that doesn’t mean much but this does. And I wish you could see yourself like I do. The amazing, kind, wonderfully-crazy, funny and, not going to lie, sexy man you are.” Dirk chuckled and hid his face. “I want you to know that you make my life better. You give me a meaning and purpose I didn’t have before. You make me happy, Dirk. You make me so happy. And I hope that’s enough for you to know that I do love you and I’m not just ‘saying it’.”

        “I’m sorry, Todd.” He looked up, holding back more tears. This was a night very much filled with tears.

       Todd shook his head confused, “For what?”

       “For yelling, and assuming you were lying.”

       “Nah, I get it. I’m an asshole. I wouldn’t believe me either.”

       “Ok, if I’m not allowed to say I’m stupid and annoying you  definitely  aren’t allowed to call yourself an asshole. We both know how I feel about you calling yourself that.”

       “Ok, how about dickhead?” He laughed and Dirk playfully shoved him. 

       “That might be worse.”

       All of the anxiety was slowly wearing off, and it left them in a quiet moment. 

       A very quiet moment.

       Too quiet.

       They stared at each other, smiling. Heat rising to their faces, ok maybe they were just too angry and sad to notice it earlier but they were both made suddenly aware of their red faces. 

       “God, this is awkward,” Dirk mumbled as he twiddled with his thumbs. 

       “Yep,” Todd replied.

       Silent again. 

       How did they manage that?

       And then Dirk realized something. 

       Something big.

       His eyes widened and Todd immediately recognized the expression. Dirk had figured something out. Something holistic.

       And before Todd had any time to respond. Any time to process…

        Dirk’s mouth was on his.

        He leapt forward, not thinking, much like he did with everything in his life. He never thought. Ever. It was quite relaxing actually. 

       Unaware of his brute force, that combined with Todd’s shock had sent them spiraling backwards into the couch. Todd’s eyes wide.

       And all he could think, well, no, he couldn’t think. All he could  feel  was, “Oh my god this is actually happening! Is this happening? It better be fucking happening, and holy shit his lips are soft- ” Soft despite the fact that the kiss was awkwardly aggressive and very quick. It all happened in about a second. One second before Dirk realized what he had done.

       He pulled back extremely suddenly, but still hovering over Todd as the couch swallowed him whole, cheeks fire-engine red, spilling out his words in a perfectly Dirk-y way. 

       “Oh-my-god-I’m-so-sorry-I-didn't-ask-first-and-I-didn't-think-and-I-just-did-and-did-I-just-mess-up-did-I-misjudge-the-situation-I’m-so-stupid-and-oh-no-am-I-squishing-you?!”

       And Todd just smiled and grabbed the sides of his jacket, pulling his face back down to his, and he kissed him. This time properly. 

       And Dirk melted at the touch. This was nothing like kissing Brett, this felt right, safe, home. Like the entire universe had been preparing for this moment. 

       It started soft and slow, meant to show Dirk how much he meant everything he said, how much he loved him. And then he started to realize that it was finally happening, and he hungered for more, and Dirk obliged, sending their kiss deeper and deeper. Fully enveloping themselves in each other, in this perfect kiss, this perfect moment. This moment where everything was as it was supposed to be for once. 

       All they could think of was each other and how for the love of God had they not done this sooner.

       Breathless, Todd pulled back and moved his arms around Dirk’s neck, and looked fondly into his eyes.

       “I-I think… I think I know why the universe wanted me to come here.” Dirk breathed with a wide smile brandishing his swollen, pink lips.

       Todd laughed, “You think?”

[psychosassicvampire]

im extremely absorbed in a nonsense skate park AU with romeo and juliet flavors big thanks to @drawyourgunsr5​ again for indulging me always

(tonal and alt under the cut)

alt because todd and i are both very concerned with dirk’s pecs

[benjiedrawings]

Maybe leave the bad flirting for another time that isn’t introducing your sister to your husband, Dirk

[dont-offend-the-bees]

In light of recent twitter events

[lavellington]

My Top 10 DGHDA fics

Since this lil fandom is expanding with the advent of season 2 (and since we are all still REELING from yesterday’s phenomenal episode oh my GOD), I thought I’d rave a bit about my favourite fics. I know if you’ve been in the fandom any length of time then you’ve already read all of these, but rec lists never hurt, especially with new faces popping up! 

Please note, this is a list of my personal favourites, and therefore is very biased in favour of Brotzly, and very biased in a multitude of other ways. There are lots of other great fics on ao3 as well, I’m just very otp-focused. 

(Also, I decided I wasn’t going to have anyone on here twice, but I have both inky and neko on here twice because they have written such a high number of iconic fics)

1. Universal Truths by inkyfishes ( @inkyfishes​ )

Author Summary:

“...Very long story short, until yesterday, it hailed as my greatest case: one of deception, danger, double-crosses, and an all-round perversion of high emotion and - dare I say it - romance…”

What do horses, robots, time-travel, false identities, alternate universes, flagrant homosexuality and the University of Cambridge have in common? Probably not much, but it's all Todd Brotzman has to work with after he falls through a hole in space and time, arriving at St. Cedd’s College for the first day of Svlad Cjelli (not yet notoriously known as Dirk Gently). There's a case to be solved, but it refuses to start. For both Todd and Svlad, and Dirk and Farah, events unfold in exactly the way you'd expect at Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency.

(This work is canon-compliant as per the end of Season 1. It refers to canon set out in the two Dirk Gently novels, the Dirk Gently 2010 TV Series, the Dirk Gently Comics "The Salmon of Doubt" and the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series, but none of that is needed to understand the work.)

My gushing:

It’s a close call, since there is a lot of great stuff in this fandom, but this is my personal favourite Dirk Gently fic. The ambition and scope of this story absolutely blows my mind. It unites pretty much every form of Dirk Gently, from the original novels up to the most recent BBCA version which forms the main focus of the story, and its take on the characters is both original and convincing. Beautifully written, funny, sad, and with romantic tension that will knock your socks off. This is an epic journey. 

2. The Dolphin Paradox by nekosmuse ( @nekosmuse​ )

Author Summary:

Having lost his job at the Perriman Grand, Todd takes a job selling vintage vinyl to unappreciative hipsters while trying to put his life back together. Dirk Gently is a somewhat regular customer. That is, until Dirk can fix the timeline and get Todd his memories back.

The Record Store AU that's not a Record Store AU.

My gushing:

I’m still so grateful to have been a part of the fandom while this was in progress. Waiting for the updates, which were phenomenal every time, and watching the story unfold, was such a blast. Even if you’re wary of AUs, I recommend you give this a try. The slightly different version of Todd is so interesting and the love story is so very sweet. Not to mention the plot is riveting and clever. Fandom classic, must read.

3. you can break a thing, but you cannot always afterward guide it into the shape you want by cosmicocean, princessparadox ( @cosmicoceanfic​, @princessparadoxical​ )

Author Summary:

He does not think about home. The memories feel like they burn holes in his mind.

AU where every Blackwing subject is a changeling, except for one: an abducted fae, who will answer to no name but Icarus.

My gushing:

Dirk is a fae! This fic unites the sci-fi sensibilities of the first season with magic and mythology in a way that now feels kind of prophetic, given the events and tone of the second season. It’s gorgeously, gorgeously written, with an intense soulmate vibe that is counterbalanced wonderfully by top notch banter. All the characters shine so brightly in this, but powerful yet vulnerable Dirk is my favourite part. Frigging epic.

4. objects in mirror may be closer than they appear by sharlook 

( @aceabed​ )

Author Summary:

You’re alone, with your arms wrapped tight around a pillow at god knows what time in the night, and there are tears running down your face because you can’t seem to stop thinking about it, not even in your dreams.

And then clutching your covers you get an idea.

(In which Dirk has nightmares about Blackwing, goes to Todd for help, and is really, really, really in love.)

My gushing:

This fic absolutely blindsided me, with the kind of writing that seems quiet and delicately wrought, but is simultaneously incredibly powerful and poignant. A wonderful portrayal of Dirk dealing with his traumas and anxieties, while being very in love with Todd. May make you cry.  I have so much love for this story, and so much admiration for the prose. Achingly beautiful.

5. split the secret up by piggy09

Author Summary:

He asks if Dirk can hear it and Dirk just laughs, the sound reassuringly human.

Well, not reassuringly. Reassuringly would mean Todd had to be reassured.

It’s just – it sounds human. Which is good. Because Dirk is human. Definitely.

My gushing:

Fic in which the Blackwing subjects are not quite human. Featuring eldritch!Dirk. This story is beautifully, meticulously written, and very evocative and unsettling. Yet Dirk is still somehow the sweetest eldritch abomination I’ve ever heard of.

6. Blood Is Thicker Than Water (But You Know What's Even Thicker? Cookie Dough. Tastes Better, Too.) by DontOffendTheBees ( @dont-offend-the-bees​ )

Author Summary:

'“Dirk… you know how to make cookies, right?”

The detective glanced between Todd and the ingredients, brow furrowing. “Actually, I was rather hoping you did…”

Todd sighed. He was gonna need another beer. “Let’s Google it.”'

In which Dirk and Todd ill-advisedly try to bake cheer-up cookies for Farah at 3am, and maybe confront some feelings in the process. Fluffy, very lightly angsty anonymous prompt fill, rated teen for a spot of language and mild drunkenness.

My gushing:

I found it very difficult to pick one of Helen’s fics, but in the end I went with this, the first instalment of the baking series, because it is a gift (although I also highly recommend her big bang fic). The dialogue is insanely adorable, it’s perfectly in character, and it exactly satisfies my craving for sweet, domestic fluff. Rendered all the more plausible by the beautiful friendship we’ve seen between Todd, Dirk, and Farah in season 2. :’)

7. Piranha in the Stream of Creation by sarkywoman ( @sarkywoman​ )

Author Summary:

"We got tuned into each other's radio stations. Let's say that. I got to walk through life ending others and she got the patterns. But it's not all right. Sometimes we're muddled. I'm never sure if I'm doing the right thing. "

Role-Swap AU. Dirk is the holistic assassin, Bart the detective.

My gushing:

The summary above says it all, really. This is such an interesting premise, and I was so happy to see it so well-executed in this fic. Dirk and Bart are very different, and yet still somehow very in-character. A fascinating read from start to finish, and flips your initial ideas on their head in much the same way as the show. I love my holistic children in this story.

8. The Furthest City Light by nekosmuse ( @nekosmuse​ )

Author Summary:

Dirk Gently (as he's taken to calling himself) has spent most of his life in Blackwing custody. In that time absolutely nothing of any interest has happened. Instead, a good deal of not-very-good or possibly even very-bad things have happened. These mostly involved a number of people in white coats poking and prodding him while making him guess at numbers. Outside of these unwanted visitors, the vast majority of Dirk's time is spent alone. And then one day a technician leads Dirk into a room where a boy around his age sits behind a table, looking sullen and perhaps a little nervous. Dirk likes him immediately.

Alternate Meeting AU, in which 21 year old Dirk meets 20 year old Todd while still in Blackwing custody.

My gushing:

This story will pluck at your heartstrings, while simultaneously making you want to beat up Riggins even more than you probably already did. Young Dirk and Todd are so convincingly written here - just a tad more vulnerable, more raw than in the show, but still good for each other in so many ways. Dirk in particular will make you cry. Stunningly written as you would expect from neko.

9. A Pattern of Errors by coloursflyaway ( @coloursflyaway )

Author summary:

Dirk picks Todd up for a road trip he never planned to go on, with a red cabriolet and a bright smile and a thousand places to go. And although Todd doesn't know what he expected, he definitely gets more than he bargained for.

My gushing:

Beautiful multi-chapter road trip fic, featuring soft boys holding hands, emotional self-sabotage, and eventual declarations of love. Very calming, dreamy, and emotional.

10. Pray for the Thunder and the Rain by inkyfishes ( @inkyfishes)

Author Summary:

A Farah-centric slice of a possible future.

Everything has gone wrong. Everything is broken. Farah works through her anxiety whilst beginning their lives on the run. Her place in the universe is, as yet, undecided.

(Set immediately after the end of Season 1. Written before airing of Season 2.)

My gushing:

Farah Farah Farah!! A very convincing look at what might have happened post the clusterfuck ending of season 1. This fic is so beautiful and captures Farah’s voice WONDERFULLY, with some bonus Faranda just to make it perfect.

[t3arsforqu33rs]

Farah, kissing Tina on the head: Hey, babe

Dirk, to Todd: Why don’t you ever kiss me on the head like that?

Todd: Cause I don’t fucking like you.

—

Dirk: Are you in the mood for a quickie?

Farah: whAT?!

Dirk: A quickie. You know, one of those little cake things.

Farah: ITS PRONOUNCED “QUICHE”!

—

Dirk, to Todd: I feel like you were mad at me yesterday, and I don't know why.

Dirk: So I made a list of everything I did and I'm going to try to not do any of them ever again.

—

Panto (listening to music on an iPod, shouting because he’s wearing headphones): BART PUT ALL MY MUSIC ONTO THIS RECTANGLE

Panto: IT'S AN EXCELLENT RECTANGLE

—

Todd: Farah, what is the first rule of the Tina Tevetino emotional support task force?

Farah: Don’t let her get a tattoo.

Todd: What the hell happened?

Farah: I couldn’t help it. She’s so cute when she’s coming up with destructive ideas.

Todd: Never send a girlfriend to do a best friend’s job. Out, Black.

—

Amanda: Oh, I love seeing these glimpses of domestic Brotzly. Now kiss.

Todd: No.

Amanda: You don't do it enough.

Todd: We do it all the time, just not in front of you.

Amanda: It's been a year!

—

Amanda: Between Dirk, Tina, Todd, and Mona, if you had to, who would you punch?

Farah: No one, they’re my friends, I wouldn’t punch any of them!

Amanda: Todd?

Farah: Yes but I don’t know why.

[h3rmitsunited]

I keep thinking about a Brotzly proposal, but its the Patrick and David proposal from Schitt's Creek because they are simply the best and their proposal was cute and a mess.

Anyways, Todd would be like trying to be sneaky about it because damn Dirk with his sixth sense would sense something was up... wouldn't know what, but he'd smell something in the air. Todd would tell him he wanted to go for a picnic and a hike and Dirk would be like still suspicious but like he loves Todd and food and walking (sometimes) and he's never been on a realy hike before so sure.

It takes like a minute for Dirk to be like restless about the hike. He can still feel something important coming and every step its more intense and he's getting a bit...nervous. He starts telling Todd, maybe they should turn around... Todd's like no its fine, we're like twenty minutes away. Dirk shuts up for a while but he's still like ruminating on this feeling.

A few more minutes and Dirk starts bugging Todd about it again, he's hungry, he needs to pee, they should just go back to the car, what if Farah needs them, and Todd gets distracted and steps on a stick that stabs into the bottom of his foot through his shoe a little. Dirk at first thinks it's a pararibulitis attack and Todd isn't sure and is just grimacing pointing at his foot and sure enough Dirk sees a hole in the bottom of his shoe. Its not that bad of a wound, Dirk puts a little bandage on it and thinks for a moment that might have been the big bad thing but then the feeling starts coming back even more and Dirk is just like, what is that??

Todd starts to get up and winces at the pain in his foot and he's just tired and upset and his foot hurts and he's just like fine, it was a stupid idea anyways, let's just go back to the car. And Dirk wants to agree. He wants to just run them both down the hill and away from this huge thing thats waiting for them, but he can't. And he sees how upset Todd is about this picnic or whatever and he hates that sad little grumpy face, so he walks over and leans down and pulls Todd up onto his back and carries him until they reach a spot with with nice view and Todd asks him to stop. Todd is secretly impressed with his ability to carry him up a mountain, but he also graciously tells him to stop after like five minutes...

Dirk looks out across the view from where they're at on the mountain. He smiles back at Todd and tells him he's glad they came up here. It really is quite a nice view. Todd smiles not breaking eye contact with Dirk and agrees. Dirk starts taking the lunch Todd packed out of the backpack (a bottle of some of the best cheap liquor store champagne, which is still not great, but Dirk and Todd aren't really bougie boys, and some fancy little chocolate covered pretzels, plus some trail mix and little deli meats and crackers) and Dirk is like... this doesn't really seem like picnic food, Todd? And the feeling has just completely overcome his body and yet rather than feeling scared he just feels warm and he just smiles at Todd. And Todd asks Dirk to grab one more thing from the front pocket of the backpack and he finds a small box, bright yellow pleather, he smiles, heart pounding and opens it, looking inside and then immediately at Todd who had shifted onto one knee while he was distracted with the box. Dirk is just like blinking back tears and starts crying as Todd starts telling him how he changed his life and how he chose to live and how important he is, and how much he loves him and the life they've built together and Todd is just wiping tears off his face and then Dirk doesn't answer, he just like tackles Todd into a kiss and they break apart and Todd is like that's a yes, right? And Dirk rolls his eyes and pulls out the ring and slips it on his finger and is just like yes, and I love you too.

I just I really want Dirk carrying Todd in his back like a human backpack. And also them to be happy dumb lovey boys and love each other forever. 😭 also schitts creek is so good

[dghdabigbang]

DGHDA Big Bang 2021: Fic Summaries & Artist Sign-Ups

It’s time, artists!

Below the cut are the summaries of all the fics currently in progress for the Big Bang, all numbered with the writers left anonymous. If you’re interested in taking part as an artist, read through this list to figure out which one(s) you’d like to work with. When you reach the bottom of the list you’ll find the sign-up form link, which includes an area to list the number(s) of your first (and second and third if you like) choice of fic! You will be contacted soon about which fic you’ve been assigned.

Two things to remember before you dive in:

When you sign up, please list ONLY the numbers of fics you are genuinely interested and excited to work on! We hope that you all will get your first choice of fic. However, circumstances — such as your first choice being claimed while your other choices are still waiting for artists, or age group incompatibility — mean you might get assigned your second or third choice instead.

Fic claiming is on a first come, first served basis. If needed, we (the mods) might assign multiple artists to one fic, but not until every fic has at least one artist.

Now, on with the summaries and sign-ups! Come and claim some fic, you brilliant artists!

Fic #1 - claimed

Dirk squinted at Todd’s hand, trying to make it out through the blinding rays of sun that had meanly chosen to come out from the clouds at the most inopportune time. “What’s that?”

“Uh,” Todd said. “It’s, um. Well. While I’m, uh, really flattered, honestly, that you think I have eyes that should belong in the paint chip section of a Lowe’s, I really, um—“

It was a letter—no, it was the letter.

Dirk squeaked. “Ihavetogo,” he said, and turned heel and ran.

“Hey, wait—Dirk!”

But Dirk was already halfway across the field.

———

Dirk has three goals for Senior Year: finally save up enough to buy that delightful yellow jacket on Ebay, land the solo at the school’s winter concert, and watch a horror movie straight through without closing his eyes or covering his ears—and, yes, putting it on mute is cheating. None of those goals included having Todd Brotzman as his fake boyfriend. And not even in the fun, cheesy, B-list romcom way, because awkward, grumpy Todd with his obsession with punk rock and DM for the school’s DnD club is far from the football-playing all-star that would typically constitute a situation like this.

But Dirk’s a nice person, and nice people do nice things for their maybe-sorta-friends, so he now has a fourth goal for Senior Year: to help get Todd together with Farah Black, ignoring the fact that she’s so out of both their leagues that the two of them dating will probably make her more relieved than jealous.

Actually, scratch that, maybe he has a fifth goal: to not actually fall for the awkward, grumpy fake-boyfriend that maybe isn’t so far from romcom status than he initially considered. Damn it!

To All The Boys I Loved Before AU. Brotzly, rated Teen. Warning for swearing and mentions of drugs/alcohol/mental illness (anxiety and ADHD). Fluffy and potentially a little cracky. A bit of angst, but a happy ending for sure.

Fic #2 - claimed

“Todd ran over to the freshly formed crater in the snow, stained red from the caravan’s driver who didn’t make it. He averted his eyes and tried to stay on task. Loot the thing and then get out. But he hadn’t expected this. In the back of the crater was a man dressed in pale yellow- he seemed to be unharmed as well. Todd bent down to take the man’s pulse, expecting nothing. But he jumped back when he felt the distinct heartbeat under his fingertips. He was alive.”

———

Todd is a scrapper from district 16 with a strange gift for fixing machines, one could say it’s almost supernatural, but that’s besides the point. One day after Amanda illegally ventures out into the meteor storms to start scrapping early, he follows her only to find a strange man (Dirk) unconscious in a crater. A man with a tattoo that marks his protection under the kings. He takes the man home to help him and maybe return him for a reward, only for his life to begin falling into a mass state of hysteria, danger, and lead them on the adventure of a lifetime.

Takes place on an alien planet called Solace where meteors fall through cracks in space and bring things from other worlds. Major steampunk overtones with fairycore undertones. Most of the story takes place on a train where Farah is the captain of security. (with a secret!) (they all have secrets) (it’s a secret-centered plot).

Who is Dirk? Who is the ‘wolf’ chasing them, and why does Dirk fear him so much? Why is he under the kings’ protection? How deep does the hole go? How did Todd and Amanda’s parents die and why does Todd consider it his fault? What is Dirk? What is Farah? What is Todd? Because they’re all not quite human…

A sci-fi/fantasy/steampunk AU based on “The Mark of The Dragonfly” by Jaleigh Johnson. Swearing, graphic violence and death, human trafficking (of non-sexual nature), PTSD and mentions of torture. Oh, and typical Todd self loathing and guilt. Undecided on if there will be a Brotzly romance plot or not. Rated Teen.

Fic #3 - claimed

Dirk swung his feet off the desk and leaned forward. “Game Night, Todd! We need something new to play, after the…Universe-required but nonetheless unfortunate deaths that followed our last round of Trivial Pursuit, and Cluedo seems perfect for a detective agency bonding exercise, wouldn’t you agree?”

———

Game Nights at the agency tend to get a little holistic. When Dirk convinces Todd and Farah to try Cluedo, their quiet evening of board games inevitably leads to a murder investigation, a forcefield of coincidences, and some minor interdimensional travel. Toothpicks pose a serious threat, Mona is a useful ally in dismantling booby traps, and holistics really need to unionise. But at the heart of this chaotic tale of intrigue, romance, and betrayal lies one burning question: was it Professor Plum in the library with the candlestick?

'Board Games Won With Arguable Efficiency' is a humorous, multichapter case fic set after season 2. Will likely be rated T for swearing and kissing. A getting-together fic for Dirk/Todd (told from Dirk’s POV), with brief references to Farah/Tina. The draft is currently 41k words and about 80% complete. Contains canon-typical levels of mayhem and violence – nothing worse than you’d find in a Patrick Spring death maze. References to claustrophobia, aquaphobia, and poisoning, but nothing graphic; the mayhem is mostly played for laughs.

Prior knowledge of Cluedo (aka Clue) isn’t necessary, although hopefully the story will be entertaining for anyone who enjoys the game. Various holistic OCs make appearances, but the focus of the story is Dirk, Todd, Farah, and Mona.

Fic #4 - claimed

When Dirk walks into the apartment, several hours later, Todd is sitting on the couch in front of the cycling Netflix home screen. He's still wearing his shoes and winter hat, and his coat has been dropped carelessly on the floor.

"I got you the meatloaf," Dirk says tentatively. "It's after 5pm, and you usually only get an omelet if we finish a case before lunch."

"Thanks," Todd says softly, and then the apartment is silent again.

Dirk stands for a moment, then toes off his shoes, steps into the kitchen to put the meatloaf onto the counter, and comes back out to hang up his coat. He pauses, unsure, then takes a steadying breath and walks over to the couch; he carefully perches on the coffee table, facing Todd.

"Are you… are you okay, Todd?"

Todd is looking at his hands, his face oddly pale. "I don't know," he says softly.

———

Todd is struggling. He’s got a great job, two best friends, and his sister is finally talking to him again, but something is wrong. He’s angry and tired all the time, his Pararibulitis is getting worse, and he’s got no clue what to do about any of it. But it turns out that sometimes what you need to be okay is a little help and a lot of work.

This fic is a journey towards self-understanding and recovery, with side quests through medical care and therapy, trusting your friends, trusting yourself, and putting in the effort to find out what happiness really means.

This fic will be rated T for swears and descriptions of Pararibulitis attacks. It’s possible that it may end up as Brotzly or pre-slash, but it’s really more about Todd’s journey than any kind of romance! Currently at about 17k words, and maybe halfway done?

Fic #5 - claimed

“The novel was still open on his laptop, and Todd—after being responsible and answering an email from a coworker asking him to cover their shift on Tuesday (Todd’s answer, though polite, was a resounding ‘No ♥️’)—finally caved and continued reading, waiting for the call from Amanda that would tell him she was ready to pick him up.

***

Silas was already putting together a satchel of supplies when he fully realized the scope of the idea he was starting to have.

He was planning to find a Trost that would listen, and he was planning to tell them of the Dengdamor’s plan to burn their farms.

He was planning to commit treason.”

———

Aspiring author/Librarian AU! Todd Brotzman works at a library, where he finds a lost flash drive with a single file titled ‘Wendimoor’ on it, which Todd finds out is an unpublished novel about a Romeo-and-Juliet-esque love story set against the backdrop of the fictional world of Wendimoor.

When the author of said novel (one Dirk Gently) comes into the library the following day looking for the flash drive, Todd finds it difficult to admit to the man that he had started reading the novel, and had in fact copied it to his laptop—despite the fact that he was loving it.

Todd finds Dirk coming to the library quite often after that, and he and Dirk find themselves in a love story of their own.

Wendimoor is about a kidnapping, a battle between good and evil, but is a story of two men, Silas Dengdamor and Panto Trost, falling in love first and foremost.

Main pairings are Dirk/Todd and Panto/Silas. The story switches between ‘reality’(Todd and Dirk’s story) and ‘fantasy’ (Silas and Panto’s story aka the novel that Dirk is writing). Background ship is Amanda/Rowdy 3.Web #6

“Todd Brotzman’s alarm goes off at two o’clock in the morning, six days a week. He shakes himself out of bed, trudges five steps to the bathroom to clean up for the day, wanders back to his bedroom to get dressed in jeans and a fraying black shirt, and drives fifteen minutes to work in the beat-up hatchback that he’s had since he dropped out of college almost two decades ago. It’s been the same since his early 20s: get up in the middle of the night, work until mid-afternoon, shovel some kind of microwave meal into his face while catching an hour of a show he can’t really get into, and crash around six or seven in the evening. Lather, rinse, repeat.”

———

That is, until the day an infuriating, handsome-ish madman in an absurd yellow jacket crashes through the wall of his bakery like a lemony Kool-Aid Man.

Dirk Gently, eccentric owner of the newly established Icarus Books, argues that a doorway between the two businesses would allow them to share customers. Frankly, he doesn’t understand what all the fuss is about. After all, what goes better with a freshly baked bagel than a book of gay erotica?

Their uneasy peace attracts the wrong kind of attention from a “citizens’ militia” and an extremist cult, who are incensed to find their freedom blatantly threatened by a combo queer bookshop / Jewish bakery. Protests and increasingly violent intimidation tactics threaten Todd’s already precarious finances. But what the hate groups haven’t counted on is a fiercely loyal, interconnected community that runs on the power of found family and sexy coincidences.

shop/Bookstore AU. E-rated for explicit m/m sexual content (Brotzly) and racist/homophobic language (used by villains); 18+ collabs only. TW/CWs for corrupt police; American sociopolitical extremism (incl religious/nationalist fanaticism); overt racism, antisemitism, & homophobia; canon-typical violence (no gore); POV minor characters with chronic mental illness (Amanda, severe AvPD & Farah, moderate anxiety); OC and canonical offscreen family member deaths (past); canonical character death(s). Parallel minor arcs explore Amanda and Farah’s opposite approaches to dealing with mental illness and how they learn to embrace vulnerability with the help of newfound social support networks. (Has a happy ending despite all the dark content!)

———

———

Like what you see, artists? Then go forth and sign up: https://forms.gle/S4gZZmEpYePzK4jd6

EDIT: If you are under the age of 18, all fics that you can collaborate on have been claimed. We are opening up fics #1, #2, and #4 for artists to double up on to make sure we aren't excluding any under-18s from participating in the Big Bang!

[clockworkcheetah]

not me coming here with an analysis on the 2x07 brotzly arguement that nobody wants. this kinda fell into me going and aNOTHER THING, but i'll try and keep it vaguely coherent

also these are just interpretations/theorising- they're just ideas to chew on. obviously i'm coming to todds defense a little bit here (lbr he gets the most flack for a scene where i dont think anyones to blame) and at the end of the day its just a bit of fun innit

firstly and the main take here:

dirk did not want to be comforted right then and there. sounds a little odd, right? when you're upset you expect someone to hug you and tell you everything's fine. well... not always. especially when you're angry. especially when you're someone who needs time to process everything. he didn't want to be touched- throughout s2 he flinches away from todd (2x03) and he often uses something to shield himself- a cushion/the filing cabinet (2x03 and 2x04). he also distances himself from everyone when obviously upset. aka he wants space. the point is, todd picked up on that. he isnt gonna try and give dirk a comfort hug because how well would that go down, really? also i will point out in that scene todd never does try and touch dirk- when he notices dirk's upset, he kneels down close and speaks softly, but doesn't go further. it's similar to other times- close, but doesn't touch- dirk actually puts the distance between them. compared to how beast is with dirk, how BW treats dirk too, and how miserable he is the entire time with unwanted touching.

what todd normally does- and what seems to have worked before, is words of encouragement- they inspire him! except... he didnt want todd's words of encouragement or pep talks this time. at that point they would be just empty words, completely meaningless. he very clearly wasn't in the state of mind where any of that would've helped to me, i think dirk just really needed to vent and rage and eventually cool off and be in a better enough mental state to actually talk it through. but it's entirely possible even then he wouldn't wanna talk to todd- he clearly has a lot of self-blame to what has happened to him, even if todd doesnt blame him for that. and thats not todd's fault for not knowing that (todd not knowing will come up alot). hes not a mind reader, he has other priorities, and todd's own mental state isn't exactly great in s2, either. (another reason that occured to me why dirk might not talk to todd even afer he had time to process is the simple fact that todd was there. he spoke to francis and beast about the events of either the spring or cardenas case. hell! he even unloaded onto hobbs within knowing him a few hours. yet with todd, he doesn't... he could've told todd about the timeloop, the spring case, ect, but he knew todd was going to be there. maybe i'm reaching but its interesting- and falls back onto dirk keeps todd at arm's length (this will also come up alot). might make another post on that specifically)

so lets talk about todd now. a lot of flack he gets is that he shouldn't have left dirk, his words were harsh and his frustration came out of nowhere

i've already dived into the leaving thing (although he didn't abandon dirk. i kind of hate that narrative- he didn't tie dirk to a tree in the middle of the woods and drive off) dirk didn't want to go, wasn't in the state of mind to go and todd had a motivation to go. todd didnt force dirk to come with- even though he very much wanted him to- and dirk didn't force todd to stay. (and amanda at this point was still his main priority- was this a good priority? no! his arc was learning to let her go. dirk wasn't todd's main focus throughout s2 and this isn't a revelation. dirk still mattered- todd didn't stop caring for dirk just because he went off on his own.) and yes maybe he should've indicated he was coming back more clearly, because like todd, dirk isn't a mind reader either (but i'll come back to the communication thing)

todd's words were harsh. they were, i'm not pretending they weren't and they're supposed to be, because the brotzmans tend to be harsh when angry. i'm not justifying, but i can think of reasons: 1. self-projection. pretty much all of todd's really angry moments (directed at patrick and dirk in 1x07 and also suzie in 2x10) you can tell he's talking about himself at the core of it. with 2x07, i'll admit this falls into fanon speculation, but this line: 'Friendship isn't just about someone being there for you. It about you being there for them too.' there's weight there. there's no way this was just said on a whim, imo. todd is friendless at the start of the show, and yeah his selfish choices fucked them all up- but i think people tried to be there for him, and he pushed them all away (and probably hates himself for that.) I don't think dirk's being selfish, but todd had a point in indicating people have been trying to help and dirk wasn't accepting it. from the audience's pov yeah, we know why. todd's pov? he's given speeches, coaxed dirk into talking to him, or to engage with the case (dirk's indicated plenty of times he's a detective and wants to do cases). he is trying in the friendship, but dirk keeps him at arms length. for todd this would eventually become frustrating. (once again, i'll come back to this) 2. the blackwing line. hoo boy. 'I'm sorry they didn't teach you that at Blackwing' like i said, i doubt this was suppose to be favourable to todd here. but, a thing to consider: he doesn't know how bad blackwing is. '"Blackwing," it's a defunct CIA program that's after Dirk.' (1x06) 'Well, they don't exactly let us just wander around the halls' (2x02) 'I was in a government prison for psychics.' (2x02) todd was def given a watered down version of BW. todd wouldn't have known dirk was small in there- he says he hasnt seen mona in 15 years, we dont know dirk's exact age, probably early-mid 30s, though. todd is likely imagining dirk to be late teens-early 20s- and no context to how long he was in there the first time. another thing is, dirk talks about BW in a particular way- with humour, he downplays the trauma, and plays up that ~he was in a psychic prison~ to impress people. so in todd's pov, BW almost sounds like a very strict school (like how teens describe school as a prison). of course dirk doesn't- and shouldn't- have to traumadump anything, but todd has a specific idea of BW that he's been holding to for two months with no corrections to it and no real context provided. to add to that, todd is woefully optimistic. all throughout s2 he was desperately holding onto hope for things to be what they were. at the end of s1 he seemed ok(ish) with letting amanda go, then he got her phonecall and he spiralled- to a near delusional degree, basically in denial with the idea things can never go back to what he wants- until amanda tells him that is reality. self-improvement isn't smooth and linear, so him reverting isn't too shocking nor is it ooc of him. he needed to be called out and he was.

his frustration came out of nowhere. no it didn't. won't lie i'm not entirely sure how to word this one without being really blunt, but it very much was building up, dirk wasn't making it easy. ultimately i think there was some compassion fatigue- he had been trying to motivate and encourage dirk throughout s2- this wasn't a one-off time, at some point it was going to wear thin. todd has finite patience- but he did try. not to mention, todd never got openly angry with dirk in that scene, he stays relatively calm. the only time the frustration really came out was at the end, when he realised dirk wasn't coming with. also the whole yet again, dirk keeping todd at a distance thing. eventually that distrust is also going to wear todd out.

next thing, priest. todd's not stupid i mean he is but sometimes he's smart he would've picked up that priest did something to dirk- nobody knows what specifically, but there's obviously something. the only info we get (from todd's pov) is:

'-that man, Mr. Priest, I've met him before, Todd. He kills people.'

couple things to take from this: - 'i've met him before' suggests they didn't interact all that often- it sounds like they met once and a lot can happen in one meeting, of course. could be dirk downplaying his trauma again, pretending priest wasn't his childhood monster, or that he's in denial that priest did something really bad to him. but we don't know! todd isn't going to know that either - the 'he kills people' line doesn't really hold much weight for todd. how many people does he know who kill people? quite a lot at this point. priest is just another guy on the long list of guys who kill people- he doesn't know much more than that.

something else i picked up on is this scene parallels quite well with 1x01. aka dirk givig a motivational speech and todd responds with: 'No. You know what, no, I don't want to hear all that from you right now.' whilst dirk never directly says he doesn't want to hear what todd had to say in 2x07, it certainly read like he didn't want to. maybe todd recognised that (the whole self-projection thing) and decided to back-off. yeah, he was bitchy about it, but giving breathing room isn't bad and honestly? seemed like the smartest move in the heat of the moment- the whole dirk wants space when upset. not too mention, todd 100% knew what dirk was doing- pushing people away, trying to make todd hate him- see him as a bad person who hurts people, because todd does the same thing. tbh that's probably why todd got bitchy with his response- he likely saw through it and the brotzmans when they sense shit aren't gonna be that soft in their replies

i think that's all the main things i noticed about that scene. but i have a few smaller ones that link back to previous points:

dirk is dismissive, keeping todd at arm's length- he is in s1 (brushing away todd's questions) and moreso in s2 (the wet circles, not wanting todd to be in the house within a house with him,ect). the constant dismissal is going to start becoming discouraging. how is todd supposed to help someone who wants help but also doesn't want help? plus todd wants to help dirk! finding amanda is his main priority, yes. but he is down to be his assistant

todd knows dirk cares for him- doesn't know just how much- but being told that to dirk 'he's just a guy whose life he ruined' we can 1. add a big old dose of guilt on todd's end, and 2. that probably feels like a slap to the face, even if todd likely knows dirk did that on purpose. (also a smaller detail, that admittedly might be reaching a bit, during dirk's rant he mentions that '-And then I end up alone!' despite the fact todd hadn't actually left yet, hadn't given any indication that he has given up on dirk. but it reads as dirk rejecting todd already)

they don't actually know eachother that well. one week, then a two month gap, then s2 was around a week long. they absolutely haven't worked their footing out yet.

to add to that- their communication sucks. especially dirk tbh. he probably was keeping todd at arm's length in a misguided way of protecting him. and tbh i don't think dirk was ready to let todd in yet. this is nobody's fault- todd wanting to be let in, and dirk shutting him out. this could be a sperate post but i think the 2x08 rescue, and the 'don't spin out' in 2x09 was dirk finally letting todd in.

self-recognition through the other. or todd seeing himself in dirk (but not in the sexy way) the way dirk was talking, even the words he was saying, his attitude, his anger... todd's been there. and who does todd hate most of all?

todd put all his faith in dirk. granted, this is todd's own undoing and nothing dirk could've done. but dirk quitting being a detective maybe have been a reason why todd got mean. at this point todd's got no money, no job, no home, no purpose. dirk gave him a purpose that he threw away right in front of him. however, to consider- todd didn't lose faith in dirk. despite the anger and the words said, todd had total faith dirk will work it out. and he did. (this comes back to my thoughts on 2x08/2x09, so i won't delve into them here)

that's all i got for now. it's very easy to fall down a rabbit hole with this scene and these characters. and i can easily do a follow-up on this because i've def missed things. but this is getting so long. ultimately, i don't think either was in the right headspace in that scene- they had differing motivations. and neither was the villain for that.

tldr: messy situation between two messy people is messy on both ends

[casual-eumetazoa]

two boring sane guys having a normal time

just 1k words of M rated brotzly with no plot and no meaning based on a thing i posted like a week ago

(kinda fluff, kinda hurt/comfort, kinda hell knows)

*

It is day seven of knowing Todd, and Dirk is anxious.

The car is parked sideways next to the entrance and someone might bump into it at any moment. He can see it from the window, the same window he climbed through a week prior: climbed and burst into Todd’s life like a bright yellow hurricane.

Now Todd is quite close too, picking up the things he forgot. The apartment is utterly trashed; cracked walls and shattered glass, destroyed along with their previous lives. Apartment’s a mess and Dirk’s mind is a mess and there is absolutely no point in trying to sort through any of it, so he just sort of sits there on the couch. Thinking.

-You okay? – Todd asks, noticing his absent stare.

Dirk considers the gnawing ache of the wounds and the kaleidoscope of feelings wrecking through his head and how he still hadn’t quite processed the words “because I am your friend”, and gives a singular nod.

Todd seems satisfied with that reply. He returns to searching for his wallet, and Dirk’s glance moves over to the pile of clothes to his left. The disposable hospital clothes must go. He has a new shirt to wear… Though changing from one to another might be easier said than done.

-Todd? – Dirk says, not quite believing his own bravery.

-Yes? – Todd is standing a few meters away from him, wallet found and returned to the back pocket of his trousers.

-Can you… - Dirk begins, gesturing vaguely at himself and the clothes. – The shoulder’s bad. – He elaborates. – I have the motion range of a well-trained seal.

-Oh you want me to… - Todd begins as well, and stops as well, and smiles, just a dash of surprise on his face. – Okay. Um. – He approaches the couch. – Stay like that, don’t stand up.

And then it happens. Todd helps him undress. 

He slides down the zipper of the jacket, slowly, and pulls it off his shoulders, slowly, and Dirk flinches ever so slightly when flexing his arms. Raising them is even worse. He stays as still as possible while Todd grabs the edges of the hospital t-shirt and pulls it up, revealing bit by bit the outline of his stomach, the naked skin of his chest, the muscles in his arms.

It’s awkward. They both feel awkward. Looking away, afraid of their eyes meeting, afraid of feeling something they’re not supposed to. Todd’s fingers brush against Dirk’s wrists and palms as he pulls the t-shirt off him. A moment of silence passes by. Dirk feels exposed, and yet safe. He already trusted Todd with his life. What’s a bit of tender physical contact between good friends…

Both are eager to limit all touch and both want nothing more than to fail completely at it.

The Mexican funeral shirt goes on, this time with even more fingertips against skin. A brush of Dirk’s hair, a millisecond slide on the side of his neck, a gentle pat on his back as the shirt is pulled down and stays. The yellow jacket is next; Dirk feels like a prince, being clothed like that. He thanks Todd quietly and gives him a soft smile. Todd smiles back and assures him that it’s his pleasure.

That phrase slipped before he had time to think it through.

They both decide not to dwell on it.

They sit side by side in the car, and they sit closer still at the diner with Farah. The conversation flows like a feisty river and the dull ache of his wounds is so far at the back of Dirk’s mind that he hardly notices it. He’s okay. He’s surrounded by friends. And life might not be any less complicated than before, but at least he has real, not imaginary reasons to be happy.

He has known Todd for seven days and there is something he feels about him but he cannot for the life of him figure it out.

It’s not love; it’s not even a crush, not yet – but it is A Thing.

And Dirk doesn’t want it to stop.

*

It is day one hundred and twenty-seven of knowing Todd.

Dirk is exhausted, but relieved.

The subsiding adrenaline levels that follow a successfully concluded case is an unforgettable rush. The chase is long over, the danger has passed; he’s safe and sound in his apartment.

His and Todd’s apartment.

And Todd is sitting close.

-I want coffee. – Dirk declares.

-You hate coffee. – Todd points out.

-I want the kind of coffee where it has so much milk and sugar and vanilla in it that you can’t even tell it’s coffee.

-I’ll make you hot chocolate later. – Todd suggests a compromise. – After I deal with your battle injuries.

Dirk chuckles but obeys, sitting down, a model patient. Todd has gotten quite good with a first aid kit since they’ve first met. He goes over his every cut and scrap – most acquired honorably when he tripped over a pipe and fell face-first into a pile of bricks – cleaning and covering every tiny gash.

-You have a knife wound somewhere on your side. – Todd says.

-Oh it’s hardly a knife wound. – Dirk scoffs. – It’s a scrap. It’s what happens to knife wielding criminals when they skip lectures and drop out of knife college.

-Shut up and take off your shirt. – Todd says, and, without waiting for a reply, pulls the shirt off of him.

He examines the wound carefully and a frown creases his nose bridge.

-Okay that is not a scrap. – Todd mutters, dabbing at the sides of the wound with a piece of sterile gauze. – It looks pretty bad, actually. Like, close to the liver. And that’s, well, I don’t know what it means exactly but hitting the liver is bad. I know that. – He pours antiseptic on the gauze and Dirk flinches as he presses it into the wound. – You could’ve gotten seriously hurt.

-Well I didn’t. – Dirk replies.

-I don’t think it went in very deep but it still looks nasty. – Todd frowns again. – Jeez. Why didn’t you tell me when that she stabbed you this bad?

-It’s fine. – Dirk rolls his eyes. – It’s not bleeding anymore, it will heal. Why are you so worried anyway?

-Because I am your boyfriend, dumbass, and you could have died. – Todd blurts out.

There is a moment of silence. Dirk blinks. Todd busies himself with covering up the wound.

-You’ve never called me your boyfriend before. – Dirk says, softly, meekly.

-You don’t like it? – Todd asks. – Cause if you don’t, there are other words like, you know, partner, and…

-I love it. – Dirk grins. – I love you.

 The air grows still and the world ceases to spin for a moment, and time belongs to them and them only. This isn’t the first time The Words have been said and not the last, but they always sound fresh and bright and sincere; the most sincere words Dirk have ever said, Todd has heard.

The wounds are dealt with, he’s hardly aware of them now. Adrenaline is still pumping through his veins. They are sitting so close to each other, their faces just a few inches apart. Soon their lips meet, bridging the gap; Dirk’s finger’s in Todd’s hair, Todd’s hands on Dirk’s naked back. Next, the other’s shirt is off, discarded somewhere on the floor. Their bodies are pressed tight to each other, hot skin against hot skin, and Dirk can already feel rise somewhere low a tingling fire, burning bright.

Hands are wandering idly along their bodies. Lips locked, one’s tongue in another’s slightly opened mouth, completely consumed by the moment. Blood leaves their stomachs, setting butterflies free, and rushes down and down. Every touch burns pleasure, eyes closed shut, concentrated on the feeling of naked flesh, the sound of sharp breaths and tepid moans. The world has stopped, stopped for them, and given all its time to these lovers.

  There will be more cases, and more danger, and more daring pursuits, and, knowing Dirk, probably more falling down face first into a pile of bricks. This hardly matters – as long as Todd will be around to take care of him afterwards.

It is day one hundred and twenty-seven of knowing Todd, and they are sharing one joy for two, utterly lost in each other’s bodies and happier than happiness gets.

It’s not just a thing, it is not just a crush, it’s love. And Dirk feels like it will never, ever stop.

[gentlydownthestreamofcreation]

Decided to do a quick thing for the ship that I am currently really into at the moment with some very lazy colouring because it didn’t feel right to leave it as an outline. Anyway, hope you guys enjoy! ^^-

[sacred-algae]

you ever just be writing a fic (dghda one spesifcially because that’s all I’m good for)... and you have My Chemical Romance on shuffle because you’re emo trash... anyway... that ever happen? 

does it also happen that you’re writing a comedy scene with nothing sexual about it, maybe hints of mutual pining but again... nothing sexual... just lighthearted slapstick comedy... that ever happen?

well, what happens when you’re writing said comedy scene and you hear the drums, THE “the drums”, And “DESTROYA” starts playing?

and suddenly your immature as fuck mind can’t stop laughing it’s ass off at this scene in a different context

that ever happen?