#bruh every day I fight with this app

[thresholdbb]

Me: *scrolling through fun fandom nonsense*

Tumblr: Imma violently take you to the App Store

[inkofamethyst]

December 22, 2022

Warning: Anxiety Post.  We all knew this was coming.

It’s just that any email in my inbox between now and the beginning of March that isn’t an interview offer or an acceptance is superfluous to me.  Now that all of my top ones are submitted (all that’s left is my “safety” which I may not submit until January tbh bc I’d heard that one of my schools could get back to me as soon as January and I’d choose that one over my safety any day, I think), I am officially starting to feel that icky feeling of “what if I don’t get in anywhere, what if everything I did is wrong, what if my only choice is between somewhere I definitely don’t want to go and not going anywhere at all, what if, what if, what if, I’m afraid, I’m so scared, I wish I just knew already” and so on and so forth.  But I am going to hold out.  Regardless of what happens, I will survive.  I refuse to consult admissions forums or subreddits like I have during my past few admission cycles because they only make me more anxious.  I just... I hate the wait, you know?  And the uncertainty that comes with it.  And while there is some comfort in knowing that there are tons of people out there just like you who are in the same boat because misery loves company, miserable, anxious people generally don’t help other miserable people feel all that much better.

And so I wait.  And I will have to keep myself busy in the meantime.  I will have to find some ways to distract myself into forgetting that my future plans, goals, and dreams are on the line here and that I don’t really have a backup plan lined up and.. hhhhh.  (Also I think I should’ve at least mentioned the consortium involved in two of my applications because that was a huge draw for why I was applying there in the first place, but those are also the two places that I.. am the most certain I will not be accepted to, so (they’d be dope schools to attend, don’t get me wrong, but for a variety of reasons I don’t think it will work out (or maybe I’m just being pessimistic disguised as realistic again to save myself from eventual heartache, but, really, who knows)).)

Plus I can’t help but think that maybe I should’ve done something different in this app or that app and maybe I should’ve talked more about why I really liked the school in my statement or maybe I should’ve submitted a copy of my poster as a representation of some of my old work and I just...  I’m just so worried.  Like I’m structuring my entire Spring around the possibility of interviewing and recruitment days, and it’d be so embarrassing to have none of that happen at all.  This ain’t undergrad with an average of 35% acceptance.  I’m looking at rates of 1-5% bruh.  And if I don’t get in anywhere I have to go back and tell that to my recommenders and I physically don’t know if I can handle that, and it makes me feel sick just thinking about it.

As much as I try to remember that I have great qualifications, fantastic recommenders, and a solid history when it comes to beating the odds of low acceptance rates (for the selective programs with ridiculously low acceptance rates to which I’ve applied, I’ve been accepted an almost unreasonably high percentage of the time), every single time feels like a new, more impossible beast.  

But that’s how it’s supposed to be, right?  As you become more qualified, the applicant pool around you increases in their qualifications as well.  So you know you’re putting up a fight in your application.  And your achievements, your selection over other talented candidates, represent not only the fight but the victory.  And that’s all I want, really.  A victory.  Even if it’s a choice between two of my preferred programs, I don’t need all six.  The victory wouldn’t feel so amazing if it was easy, would it?  So I accept the challenge (I have no choice at this point).  I accept the challenge and pray for the best. 

And if it doesn’t work out this go round, I have plenty that I can evaluate and improve up for the next go round.  Ideally, a year of setback won’t put me out of the running.

Today I’m thankful for all As this semester.  I’m thankful for my ecoanth prof who was far more lenient than she should have been but her goal was fully for us to learn in whatever way worked best for us and I can respect that.  I’m thankful for my easy archaeology class where all I did most days was show up and lazily scribble notes.  I’m thankful for my evolution class where there were so many opportunities to actively engage with the material (and gain points) before taking the exams that I never felt too worried about keeping a good overall grade.  I’m thankful for my popgen class where I learned! so! much! about genetics and computer modeling and I wish I could take another class with that prof in particular, he was probably the best prof I’ve had at this university (closely followed by my biochem 1 prof, I’d think).  I’m thankful for devbio, a class I only took because I needed it to fulfill a requirement and I didn’t think I’d care about it at all, but it introduced me to a whole new field in biology which I actually might want to explore more if I’m offered the opportunity.

[knullanon]

maybe yandad vandal savage with a naive innocent reader?

ooooooo anon havent thought about this one gotta say gotta say

you??? his daughter??? innocent??? hes gonna be thinking, "damn bro, how did i get this sweetheart of a daughter?" anytime he sees you trying to do something in a "un-safe" space, he will send your ass back home and make sure that the "un-safe" space is now safe. this is usually with school, or public places in general.

also, he has a list of "safe" spaces that you can go to, with his permission, which include: the light's meeting places, some houses around the world that he owns, wherever the fuck klarion lives, ra's al ghuls place (he may not be a part of the light anymore, but he sure as hell is still a good candidate for a babysitter), and literally anyone else he trusts

mf will make you stay in whatever place you choose (or that he choose) for months. its like moving a lot, you can stay there for 2 months or up to 10. the longest one you've ever stayed at was 2 days, and that was the "i wanted toast and klarion decided to make it for me" incident

anyway, no friends. ever. he hasn't had that many behavioral problems with his own children, but he knows how angsty they can get at an early age, so he doesn't want other kids influencing you.

this becomes a problem when you start making friends with other villains kids. cheshire will straight up show you a nightclub, while vandal is angrily calling up sportsmaster like "YOU SON OF A BITCH-"

also, he might a good villain, and a good father, but damn he sucks at predicting when other potential father figures try to take you away. fr once darkseid was just pretending to be there on a mission and he was obviously there to get you and ra's was just like "dude hes gonna steal your daughter" and while you were being taken out a window he said, "no he aint"

also, hes really busy sometimes so its kind of easy to escape him. of course, if hes going to be gone longer than 2 weeks he will just bring you with him and say fuck everyone else. once while killing a starro, you were just sitting on the other side of the room eating ice cream like, "bruh i wanna go home"

klarion once gave you a phone and was like "yo get like every social media app you can think of" and then you caused chaos. there was a fight in the cafeteria at ra's al ghul's place? you be your ass you aired it. two villains roasting each other for their tactics? snap it and put it on your story. anything that happens thats batshit crazy or its meme material you have it.

eventually he did find out and was like "why did you give her a phone" and klarion was just "idk man, shes recording darkseid and mongal fighting" and true to his word, they were beating the shit out of each other and you were recording

BONUS:

the "i wanted toast and klarion decided to make it for me" incident happened earlier on almost right after vandal had gotten you. basically, you had found some ingredients for french toast, and being a dumbass, you decided to try and make some to make yourself feel better. so klarion was in the building and saw you trying to make some and he was like "oh yeah, big brother time" and offered to help you. of course, he wanted to try and impress you and all, so he tried to make some fire to toast the bread instead of... putting it in a toaster. he did it, and he started a fire. a grease fire, because he thought that putting oil in a pan would help. so he forgot the one rule of grease fires (btw, if u do have a grease fire, never ever use water to put it out.) and used water. which made the fire bigger obviously. so there you were, sitting at a bar stool, trying to figure out what to do while klarion tried to put it out. so you also had the bright idea of putting water on it, because klarion knows what hes doing, hes not dumb, right? which then made the fire bigger. vandal, at this point, wondering what the noise was, saw you and klarion just trying to put out the fire by blowing on it, or by smacking it with a towel. he got the fire out by putting something over the flames and turning off the heat. of course, damage had been done and the kitchen was halfway burnt, and he banned you from the kitchen without supervision.

yeah, fun times.

[thesunnyshow]

Name: Juliet

Writing Blog URL(s): @wonderlustlucas

Nationality: American

Languages: English, beginner level French, teeny tiny bit of Korean

Star Sign: Virgo

MBTI: ISFJ-T

Favorite color: Pastel yellow

Favorite food: My mom’s Sunday gravy

Favorite movie: Howl’s Moving Castle (The Lion King is a close second though)

Favorite ice cream flavor: Specifically Turkey Hill’s Double Dunker (get it— it’s so good)

Favorite animal: Humpback whale

Go-to karaoke song: She’s Kinda Hot by 5 Seconds of Summer

Dream job (whether you have a job or not): Neurosurgeon! Or a Twitch streamer HAHA

Coffee or tea? What are you ordering?  Ahhh probably coffee, I love tea but I need my coffee </3

If you could have one superpower, what would you choose? Shapeshifting! Clearly the superior superpower I don’t take constructive criticism.

If you could visit a historical era, which would you choose? This is weirdly specific, but I would love to be in Scotland during the 1700’s. Alternatively, the 1980’s.

If you could restart your life, knowing what you do now, would you? 100%. I know everything happens for a reason but getting a redo and being able to fix all the big mistakes I made would be pretty nice.

Would you rather fight 100 chicken-sized horses or one horse-sized chicken? One horse-sized chicken! 100 tiny horses would be crazy tiring.

If you were a trope in a teen high school movie, what would you have been? I would probably be the gay side character that gives good emotional advice but is hella lonely LMAO

Do you believe in aliens/supernatural creatures? Yes, both!

What are some small things that make your day better? Driving with the windows down and music blasting, picking up coffee, playing video games, & talking to my internet friends on Discord.

Fun fact about yourself that not everyone would know? I discovered my love for writing through Warrior Cats roleplay😭

What fandom(s) do you write for? Right now, only Kpop, but I wouldn’t mind writing for 5SOS or some of my other fandoms!

When did you post your first piece? On WattPad, December 2015. On Tumblr, April 2018 :)

Do you write fluff/angst/crack/general/smut, combo, etc? Why? I write everything! Fluff/smut/crack is my favorite and slight angst (usually just slow burn though cus I’m soft).

Do you write OCs, X Readers, Ships...etc? Again, I write anything and everything! Currently, second or third person reader inserts are my main style, but I also do ships and would love to write more OCs.

Why did you decide to write for Tumblr? Before Tumblr, I was on WattPad for different fandoms but eventually fell off. Then, when I got into Kpop in 2017, I found that urge to write again and decided to move to Tumblr since WattPad was becoming… weird. Plus Tumblr was a better fit for me!

What inspires you to write? To be completely honest, it’s the little things throughout the day that inspire me. For example, “Honey” was inspired by me not being able to open my locker in high school. “I Hemoglobin You” was based off my friend giving me a head rub while I was donating blood. Kpop idols just so happen to be my muses that I like to put into random moments of inspiration!

What genres/AUs do you enjoy writing the most? High school or college AUs are my favorite, along with some good ol’ friends to lovers slow burn. Angst isn’t my forte so I usually just stick to fluff, smut, and some crack. I haven’t written any but fantasy AUs are some of my favorites too! (RIP to my League of Legends AU that I started and haven’t touched in months.)

What do you hope your readers take away from your work? Just like other fanfiction authors inspire me, I hope some of my work inspires others. Considering fanfiction is free, there is so much out there to read and when I find a good story that inspires ME to write better, I’d love for my writing to do the same.

What do you do when you hit a rough spot creatively? 3 options: 1) Skip that scene and jump ahead to one I’m excited to write; 2) Erase what part I’m on and completely redo it; or 3) Drop it. The majority of my works usually take a few months to write as I will completely stop working on it until I find the right inspiration again. 

What is your favorite work and why? Your most successful? “Four” is definitely my favorite work. It’s one of my longer pieces and there was a lot of raw emotion in there on my end. I love the relationship between Hyunjin and the reader and especially love the ending. “Greatest Gift” for Chanyeol is my most successful, and one of my other favorites!

Who is your favorite person to write about? Easily Hwang Hyunjin. It’s so easy to place him in any of my works, and sometimes it’s a struggle to NOT write him. It sounds stupid but sometimes I really feel like I “know” him so being able to describe him physically and mentally is easy for me.

Do you think there’s a difference between writing fanfiction vs. completely original prose? Yes and no. Yes, because most of the time, fanfiction is totally original as well and requires just as much thought as a 400,000 word novel. No, because fanfiction uses a specific person as a muse.

What do you think makes a good story? Detail and realistic dialogue! Of course, everyone has their own style of writing, but detail is especially important to me. Sure, you can have a great plot, but having concise, detailed writing to get immersed into makes a story so much better. I also find realistic dialogue to be a big deal— I hate when teenage characters are speaking in deep analogies because, if we’re being honest, my daily language is 95% just “Bruh.” If you’re like me, I’d actually prefer realistic dialogue over anything else.

What is your writing process like? Process… yikes. Sometimes… I have a random thought and then I’m like… hell yeah let’s write that. I actually have no process. I don’t outline, I just start writing and keep writing until I’m finished. Then I’ll read it all over to make edits, then I’ll use the Read Aloud feature to catch any mistakes I missed, then I’ll run it through Grammarly before posting!

Would you ever repurpose a fic into a completely original story? Hm, maybe? In the future, possibly, but as of right now I wouldn’t use any of my fics to do so.

What tropes do you love, and what tropes can’t you stand? Oh, gosh, tropes. Gotta love them. Friends to lovers, enemies to lovers, stuck together (AKA forced to share a bed), and fake relationships are my favorites. They may be corny, but I also love truth or dare or 7 minutes in heaven games in fics cus… they’re just classics. Also love fics with a popular x shy pairing. I can’t say I dislike many tropes, but I definitely have a love/hate relationship with vampire and werewolf tropes because of how romanticized they are.

How much would you say audience feedback/engagement means to you? Hm, to be completely honest, only a little bit? I mainly write for myself, it’s like a guilty pleasure to just get all my thoughts and desires out, and then I just so happen to make it public on Tumblr. Nevertheless, receiving comments and asks actually make my day, and sometimes I still struggle to wrap my mind around people enjoying my writing! So, thank you to everyone who has ever left me a kind message, I truly appreciate it ♥

What has been one of the biggest factors of your success (of any size)? Getting involved! I think one of the best ways to grow is to join networks, which not only gives you the opportunity to share your work on a greater scale, but also allows you to make connections. Like real life, making connections and making friendships with other writers can play a huge role in growing as a writer and growing your account.

Do you think fanfic writers get unfairly judged? Yes :( As someone who’s involved with other fandoms, I’ve heard the way some people think of fanfiction and it’s really sad. People do not know how much goes into writing and just see it as cringey and disgusting when it’s just… not.

Do you think art can be a medium for change? Yes! In all its forms, art is something a creator can use to influence their audience (in a good way, hopefully).

Do you ever feel there are times when you’re writing for others, rather than yourself? Like I said in #40, I mainly write for myself. Even when I’m writing a request, chances are if I like the request enough I’m going to create a story out of it that fits my personal desires the most.

Do you ever feel like people have misunderstood you or your writing at times?  No! However, I’d still consider myself a small account and do not have TOO many works posted. But so far, I don’t think I’ve faced this problem :)

Do your offline friends/loved ones know you write for Tumblr? Only a few! My best friend Maggie is on Tumblr with me and only 2 of my other pals know I write fanfiction.

What is one thing you wish you could tell your followers? How much I love each and every one of them for supporting me and sticking around even when I won’t post for months🥺❤️

Do you have any advice for aspiring writers who might be too scared to put themselves out there? Don’t psych yourself out! In the time I’ve spent on Tumblr, I’ve never received any substantial hate. My main advice is don’t write fanfiction to get popular on the app, write fanfiction because you love to write and love your muses!

Are there any times when you regret joining Tumblr? No, as much as Tumblr can be annoying at times, I love the people I’ve met and the content I’ve found and wouldn’t have wanted to use any other platform.

Do you have any mutuals who have been particularly formative/supportive in your Tumblr journey? @pinktea99 — Mo, you’ve been around since the beginning honestly, and without you I wouldn’t have been able to come out of my shell! Thank you for all your love & support & for being my SF9 buddy❤️

Pick a quote to end your interview with: 

“Like mate, stop procrastinating.” — 3RACHA

BONUS ROUND: K-POP CONFIDENTIAL 

[riskeith]

good morning love! (or afternoon for you hehe)

deku vs kacchan part 2 is my favorite ep of the entire series actually. i’ve watch that ep so many times as well it’s just perfect. i got into them when i watched that episode actually! the voice acting god..... literally shivers. now that i think about it it might even be my favorite anime ep of all time help. i just love how bakugou lets it all out and we get to see that side of him.. the insecure scared child he tries to hide. god i could ramble about it forever idk just love it. OH YOU WATCHED THE MOVE RIGHT AFTER? a scene with bakugou and todoroki is guaranteed a good time.. and they work so well together. haha that’s such a nice coincidence tho their dynamic is great in that movie even if it’s mostly kiribaku sjsksjk. what do you think about kiribaku btw?

RIGHT!!! at least we have a couple days to decide hihi.... paimon no longer emergency snack.. only seelie. 🥴 oooh? what kind of thing have you envisioned? (if you wanna share ofc!)

i’ve seen so many people mention that!! like one of the worst parts of the game is that in the higher level you get the less there are to do.. ssjksjdk at some point all you can do is grind domains and try to level up shdkdfhdj

LEVEL 40 INTO A LEVEL 70+ FIGHT ok that’s honestly hilariously brave doesn’t she like die right away 😔 oh yeah you’ll be leveling up Again soon *praying for you*... can’t believe they don’t keep the easy bosses anymore sjdkfh that’s so rude. this game is just grind grind grind. WE NEED A BENNY STORY SO BADLY. like imagine a story with him wanting to seek out diluc because he wants to learn how to fight from a master or something like that. i saw it in a comic and i can’t stop thinking about it 😭 all of them deserve stories!!! there’s so many ways they could make it happen pls mihoyo... chongyun x xingqiu story... <333

shfkjdskdjhf nope right now i’m playing with noelle as my main damage dealer, traveller, lisa and barbara actually. so i think i have a pretty good balance atm.. 2 long range 2 short range-ish. i usually trade out barbara for another character if i have to tho, hehe. that’s only combat though ^ benny is with me when we explore. mood is me having a 5 star and not even using her... i still need to think of ways qiqi could fit into the group yk. is your group still looking the same as before? ooooh if you could rank the elements what would your ranking look like?

172!!!!! that’s a bit short though when you said tall i thought like... 190 or something sjksjdxk. wait how tall are You?

oh i just meant like... people bashing others for spending too much money on the game vs those that bash people for not spending money and complaining that they don’t get 5 star etc? idk yt comments can be so ugly though so it’s a good thing that you don’t read them sjdjdjdkd

that’s super smart!!! you just follow along the plan and delete when you come to the part. must feel so satisfying too i imagine. haha, what little notes i have i put in the notes app and just check up on when i need to. sometimes i even forget they’re there shdkdhsks. my notes are filled with half-assed dialogue or random one words notes that don’t make any sense to me anymore.. nskdhddjdj

you’re right!! so you write at night? sometimes i just open docs on my phone and write a bit before i sleep and when i wake up it’s either a grammatical mess or just... super bad hskshd the brain is simply too tired to create anything shakespeareian

nooo i’ll def check these out and let you know what i think. i’ve seen halsey being in pretty much every klance playlist on spotify so i imagine she portrays their vibes pretty nicely. doesn’t she have a song she sings about being blue and red or something... shdjfhdj such a bad description but i see it being used in edits a lot. also now that i think of it melanie has a song called pacify her that i really like!! do you like it?

THATS SO CUTE YOU ARE A CRYBABY. 🥺 same here tbh i actually like crying sometimes... sjskdjdjd like you said it just feels nice to get it all out. i cry to almost movie or series or book i read i’m a super emotional person but i also think it adds to the experience? you feel more immersed in it that way.

RIGHT??? ITS SO BEAUTIFUL!!! and it’s our boys 😭 and they’re cuddling 😭 under the sun 😭 ssjdjdhdjdj 😭

can’t wait to hear from you again <3 yours, ma <3

good night! more like ahhah

:o!! that’s so legendary of them wow.. <33 and yeah honestly the voice acting is phenomenal.. and all the implications behind the fight too? bakugou finally opening up? midoriya understanding that what he needs is to fight him? ugh. kiribaku is fine! fhdsjfks my brain is so full of todobaku that any other ship is really just... in the background hfskjfs but i can appreciate the relationship they have! with kiri being the only one bakugou has really acknowledged and seeing as being on the same level, that iconic hand clasp when bakugou was being rescued... i have a kiribaku fic in my drafts but idk if i can ever get to it ahha. you like them a lot right?

ikkk also i didn’t know we had to wait until the very end to buy? i have more than enough to buy it rn but when i clicked it said ‘must explore area 14 first’ and i was just... bruh. AHAHAH. okay so in my mind it’s like.. chongyun at a funky angle we’re kinda looking up at him and his body is like bent down towards us fhsdkjs idk how to describe it but i can picture it very well but i also cannot put it to paper/screen. and then his clothes are just black instead of white! HAHAH. tho i kinda wanna see if i can draw a xiao first to offer up to the gacha gods hfsdjkfs (and if i can i’ll do a version w a dark outfit too for u hehe)

legitttt im literally just logging in and grinding the talent domains every day fhsdkjfhskfhjd there are some artifacts i want as well but the domain is literally SO difficult for me fuck.

i just go in and use her skill then heal a bit and switch right away fhsdkjfsd it going alright! and then i go ham with my other 3 charas and switch back to her to heal again fhskfjd. OMGGG that’s so cute please... i miss diluc too... come back!! i wish we had a way to replay the old quests even if we get nothing out of them like i just wanna experience it again ya know.

oooo! that’s pretty nice. hfskjd you could switch barbara out for qiqi! since she’s a healer as well. omg wait you have lumine right? so your combat team has no males? legendary 😩 we love fighting queens! ya! traveller, chongyun, xiangling, fischl. and then i switch depending on the domain/boss i’m gonna fight. hmm elements I think would go: anemo, cryo, electro, pyro, hydro, geo, dendro? LMAO i reckon if i had diluc tho pyro would be higher... i also almost forgot to add geo to that list lmaooooooo oops, hbu??

I JUST SAW THE LINK.... AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! the bestest boys look how cute they’re sjdkfjdjjdd i’m obsessed. the picture where benny has his back turned sjdudjdjddnd stop. 🥺 they’re so neat. 🥺 also NO ARE YOU SERIOUS? that’s so upsetting are you gonna try it out nonetheless or do you think it’s too risky?

they’re SO neat!!! and bennett facing the other way was so fhskjfd yeah cute <3333333 I KNOWWW IM SO SAD :((( and no...... im not gonna try 😭😭😭 i told my brother about it too and he asked how many rolls i was at and i said 70 and he was straight up ‘you can’t try then’ and i was like ‘i know 😔😔’. @ xiao... i am giving up xingqiu rate up for you 😤😤😤😤 ugh i hope i can still get xingqiu in xiao’s banner tho even tho the chances will be shit. are you gonna roll ganyu’s banner?

FHSKJFSD NOOOOOO don’t tell me 172 is average for you wtf... (apparently the average male height in japan is 160cm! for reference ahah) and i myself am. one hundred and. fifty something cm hfsdjfhskjdfhskdjfhw9uehdsifhwsdkjfhsdkfhsd 😔 big sighs lmaoooooooo. how tall are you? (im assuming much taller 😔😔😔😔😔)

ooh notes app? nice ahaha. fhdkjfhskfsk hdthat’s the mood tho! if i don’t have my laptop with me i’ll write out everything on notes first then transfer to my laptop~

AHAHAH yeahhh i think mostly i do? bc during school times i’ll only write after i’m done with my work which = night time. for a while Peak writing time for me was like 1am lmfao but i do that in a like half-asleep half-conscious state so when i come back the next day at a “normal” time i run into the same issue as you fshdfkjshfs

she does!!! it’s called colours 😩 but i think the one i related to voltron most is control! there was this really good shiro edit with that song i still remember it to this day <3 yeah i do!!! i like most of melanie’s songs actually ahahah. i think my favourite for a while was show and tell~

it totally does!! like it’s satisfying as well you know... like the characters have gone through so much and you experienced that with them so it’s natural to get emotional about it. that reminds me, what kind of books do/did you read? did you read all Those YA novels ahah talking about crying has reminded me how i cried reading those..

<333 i wanna be there with them 😩 actually no i want to BE them 😩😩😩

eager for your response <33 love, c.r.

[kinktae]

The penultimate part🥺 I’m not ready to say goodbye, Bitchin!Jungkook has definitely been one of my fav characterizations of him that I’ve ever read. Thank you so much for sharing your work with all of us💖

bitchin 9 asks bc i suck

sapphireprinces5 said: bitchin’ pt9 was just so beautiful?? the way you explained the emotions and interactions between the characters was just amazing!! I felt myself hanging on every word wow excited for the end but will miss bitchin’ so much 🤧

Anonymous said: TAEHYUNG AND YARA SIGN ME UP GURL!!!!

Anonymous said: Like I just feel like if Jk really liked y/n he wouldn’t have slept with Kiri, you know? It shouldn’t matter that he didn’t know how y/n felt. And it’s obvious that he has feelings for y/n so I just hope that’s something y/n addresses when she talks to him. Don’t settle for less girl! Get you a man who will fight for you regardless 👏 (btw this is not me criticizing how you wrote it in any way! I’m just so invested in the characters and am thinking about how I would feel in this scenario :) )

Anonymous said: I KNEW SOMETHING WAS GONNA HAPPEN WITH YARA AND TAE I FELT IT SO DEEP IN MY BONES IM SO HAPPY FOR THEM 😭😭😭

Anonymous said: Hi! I just binge read bitchin in a day and can I just say that I loved it! I really love the female characters as well, you’ve written them so beautifully 🥺 if I was y/n I wouldn’t be concerned so much about Jk not sleeping with Kiri if he knew the way y/n felt, but rather the fact that if Jk didn’t want to sleep with Kiri, he wouldn’t have, regardless of y/n’s feelings or not. IMO y/n’s feelings shouldn’t be the issue here, but Jk’s should! If I was y/n’s bff that’s what I would tell her LOL

Anonymous said: OH MY GOODNESS! YES !!!! YESSSSS Y.E.S Muchas graciaaaas!!!

Anonymous said: tae and yara are my new ship)

unknowntalesx said: okay but like tae and yara thooO they got me all smiley being like oh yeah bayyybeEE das what im talking about 😏 ALSO OKAY NOW THAT I AM MORE LUCID KIRI GOT FUCKING WRECKED I LOVED THAT SHE GOT A DOSE OF HER OWN MANIPULATIVE MEDICINE I AM 😤😤😤😤😤

Anonymous said: im not ready for bitchin to end )):

Anonymous said: I SCREAMED WHEN Y/N TOLD KIRI THE TRUTH. YES QUEEN. STAB AND TWIST THE KNIFE!

Anonymous said: ROSE AHHSHSJSKSD FUCK U I’m all hot and bothered with anticipation for pt 10 now 😩😩😩🥵

sydney--chan said: We really stan y/n for using her big ol brain to rock kiris world oh my god I yelled also I say what's your damage all the time bring that shit back

Anonymous said: a tae x yara spin off series or one shot...... haha jk..... unless..... 👀

Anonymous said: Fuck kiri's scheming ass. I'm glad YN ripped her a new one

Anonymous said: AAHHHHHH once again, I love this chapter so much!!!! I was screaming at Yara and Tae part. Seriously!!!! I am SURE she felt that spark when he kissed her. Is she going to be the one falling for the guy while he wants something casual now? Or maybe Tae will fall for her as well? Ahhhh so cute! I feel like that would be a nice spin off yk (no pressure, I swear). And Erik, woah I didn't expect him to be like that. To be so nice and wise. Great character development indeed! It was really nice (1/2)

Anonymous said: To see their interaction and the way he opened her eyes (for some reason I couldn't help but picture him as Namjoon). Ohhh the Kiri part tho!!!! I felt really petty but in the best way lol. Anywaysss I am really excited for the last chapter (really sad too) and I am sure it is going to be the best because you are a genius! Thank you for sharing another amazing chapter with us! ♥♥♥ (2/2)

Anonymous said: OKAY I absolutely adored Bitchin part 9 😻 I always thought that it was also OC fault for what happened between her and jk, he obviously was the main jerk but she never actually admitted her feelings to him and he doesn't read minds so??¿¿? Really loved that she came to understand it. And I was rooting SO MUCH for yara and tae MAN I AM CRYING THEY DESERVE IT 🙌🏻

Anonymous said: you came through with the tae x yara content we all needed omg thank you!! if anyone’s gonna make yara fall in love it’s tae lol

Anonymous said: I honestly lowkey hate bitchin’ jungkook right now. I thought I’d get over it but I just can’t imagine how hurt and disgusted Y/N was when she found out that jk and kiri were together just hours before they were like ugh. It doesn’t help that I’m also really interested in Erik’s character development now so it would’ve been really interesting to see how he’d fit in Y/N’s life. 🥺

Anonymous said: jungkook and y/n wANT what yara and tae have

Anonymous said: TAEYARA YES FINALLY OUR WISHES HAVE BEEN ANSWERED 😍😍

Anonymous said: just want to let you know you’re an absolute angel and all you create is nothing short of perfection. *sends you all of the love*

spring2787 said: I jus came from a 4 hour long class and it's finally here... Thank you so much dear 🎂 💜

Anonymous said: Is yara me ? Like when she said that boy act like they understand the no string involved but then fall in love , dude I felt that , that's literally the story of my life lmaoooo Like the number of time a dude told me yeah I'm okay with that and then acted shocked when I told him I didn't feel anything for him is impressive lmaoo Anyway I'm so eager for the last chapter!!!! you did an amazing job!!

kuhweenbri said: The way I already finished but anyways girl I absolutely loved this part and now I’m excited for the next part 😭😭 will we be seeing more of T-ara??

Anonymous said: OMG YARA AND TAEEEEEEEEE. NOW I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEANT BY FANSERVICE. JSJSJSJJSBXBSBSB But on a serious note, this fic just keeps on getting better. The fact that there's only one chapter left still hasn't come home to me 😭 but thank you so much for blessing us with this!💜💜

Anonymous said: YO! bitchin is flippin brilliant! you have done so well! jungkook broke my heart in part 9! im emotional but also so ready for part 10! please take your time. have a lovely day

Anonymous said: i don’t normally talk to writers on here but bitchin is really bitchin, i haven’t read a fanfic in so long that makes me excited to read the next part and maybe it’s because i’m so used to all of the aus being recycled but bitchin is truly a breathe of fresh air to me for some reason, maybe because you fleshed out the right hand mans for both characters idk or the it being a different time period, but i just wanted to say you are smashing bitchin dude and i love it!!

shy-kpop-girl said: BITCHIN': I just caught up on 8 & 9. Shocked & angry at JK. Because regardless of whether he knew y/n' feelings it was a dick move to sleep with Kiri one night and y/n the next morning. And it wasn't like he came over to talk/tell y/n about Kiri & things escalated because he went right at it as soon as she let him in. Even tho it was hot. 😳 But Erik. I wanted to hate him but dude surprised me with his reasoning. I loved that dialogue! Once again your writing is amazing & I love this story!

Anonymous said: Bitchin is the best fanfic on tumblr. And no one can change my mind. You’re doing amazing!! Much love xoxo

Anonymous said: “Think of life as one big puzzle and everyone you meet is shaped differently, right? Yet somehow… they fit. We find those that complete us. And they’re not necessarily opposites but—“ MAAM that part hit SOOO different omg your brain!?! Outta this world! Like this is whole ass literature!!!! I stg Bitchin’ is the best thing on this app and I meant that w my whole chest.

Anonymous said: I'm not ready for Bitchin to end. It's soooooo good 😍😍😍

kmultifandom said: Since there's a cast for bitchin I wanna audition for y/n because i wanna be a biologist and I have some similar personality traits *mic drop* Also great work, I seriously love it. No other fan fiction I have read was so close to my actual self and that impresses me even more and make it like it 10 times more djksksks

Anonymous said: how will I live when bitchin ends agghhh I haven’t even read 8-9 cause I’m waiting for the happy ending before I’m heartbroken and left waiting for the last part

Anonymous said: you know what would be super fun and crazy 😛😛🙈🙈 if you dropped bitchin’ pt 10 right now 😳😳 haha just kidding .... unless 😏😏

Anonymous said: lets gooooo!!!!!!!!!!! bitchin pt 10 better haunt me for the rest of the year

Anonymous said: I feel like I’m going to get so emotional once Bitchin’ part 10 is released. It’s like I’m sending off my non-existing kids to university because I won’t be able to see Bitchin!Jungkook anymore 🥺

Anonymous said: I can’t believe Bitchin’ is for real ending 😩 it’s soo gud 

Anonymous said: Can’t wait till bitchin PART 10 Probably gonna fall asleep before u post but I’ll try to stay up for it 🥺

Anonymous said: i love your writing honestly and i just really want you to be happy. your writing is immaculate and i really want you to know that you are talented and skilled so yeah. sorry if this is out of nowhere but i just really want to show appreciation to writers because they don't get enough and you are definitely my favorite writer:)) hope you have a good day!!

Anonymous said: okay but if Bitchin' goes on for 50 chapters that would be good too.. just sayin'.

tpo-quinn said: Bruh, I can already feel that I'm gonna cry from the last chapter of bitchin'...I CAN'T WAIT!

leojjeon said: so i've re-read bitchin ready for chapter 10 an I am feeling all sorts of emotions. it's fair to say it's my favourite series I've read!

Anonymous said: y did i forget bitchin would have an end like 😳😐we’ve been on this bitchin journey w u for so long i’m sad it’s over

Anonymous said: What what what?? Bitchin is ending??!!! Didnt it just fucking start like all the drama and tae&yara!!!! Omg girl!!!

Anonymous said: ur the absolute fucking GODDESS of writing angst, ive never ever waited for a ff to be updated before as if it was a new episode of my fav show coming out. thank u for writing and be so active, muah ur amazing

Anonymous said: a moment of silence for our loved bitchin who will die soon 😔 gone but not forgotten, she will always be in our hearts. all the best rides come to an end 😭

[helisol]

ye s, well

it basically came to me like a prophet receiving a vision from an angry god. you know. like brian david gilberts video ideas but with more slow burn.

no really i wrote all this down in my phone’s note app because some nearly coherent things popped up in my head every time i was on the train or bus these last few days.

(after-actually-writing-this disclaimer/note: this is 2000 words of slightly edited rambling about Bagginshield in the Afterlife. i had to put it in a read more.)

so the gist of it

the botfa goes just as in the movie with minor details altered. like bilbo kissing thorin just before he dies which inadvertently causes a ripple in time and space that makes the valar curious of them both. you know. minor stuff.

so bilbo goes back to the shire, the war of the ring goes down, and the hobbit/elf gang sails to valinor at the end. classic stuff, not much alternating of universes here.

but here’s where things turn into the “my city now” meme because DUDE DO I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS ABOUT VALINOR AND HOW THE AFTERLIFE WORKS

like, I’m sorry mister jolkien rolkien tolkien, but just putting people into a hall to await being judged like a hospital waiting room? snooze, that’s boring!

so first of all, and you can fight me on this, Yavanna Made The Hobbits And You Can’t Change My Mind.

it just makes sense for her to have been very saddened by the destruction of literally all her work on arda through melkor’s poison, so she made living, growing things that could protect themselves from harm. as opposed to the ents, by the way, which were made by Eru to protect all the other living, growing things. it was a nice gesture of Eru to make those, but not quite what Yavanna wanted or had in mind, i imagine.

as with the dwarves, Eru wasn’t all happy about the existence of another race he didn’t make but you know, whatever, ‘I’ll just let this married couple have their own kids aside from mine, it’s okay’.

so he hands both the dwarves and the hobbits independent thought and free will, but under the condition (and here is where the afterlife stuff comes into play) that Aule and Yavanna be responsible for their mortal creations after their death. meaning that both races have seperate afterlives from the halls of mandos, MEANING THAT ITS COMPLETELY FINE FOR AULE AND YAVANNA TO BE LIKE “oh look honey, these two are so very in love and remind me of us, shan’t we do something about that?”

so. they do something about that. more precisely, they rearrange their afterlife-realms so they’re next to each other and someone with enough willpower could cross through the barrier. because listen, they’re valar, they can do whatever they want just for kicks.

okay so after that tangent lets get back to the meat of the matter: gay dwarves. I know not everyone has read Sansukh, a 500k word mammoth of a fic, and I don’t really intend to copy any of det’s canon, but their version of The Halls of Mahal really inspired me. basically the dwarven afterlife is one big hunk of a mountain/underground city where they’re free to live their days until dagor dagorath doing what they do best in the company of their families and friends; like smithing, crafting, building and other JustDwarrowThings.

meanwhile the hobbit afterlife is Basically The Shire and instead of being given the materials to build things, all the hobbits who go there get to grow plants and do their gardening. they don’t have to- just like none of the dwarves have to craft stuff- since there’s always enough food for everyone, but they are just allowed to do what they do best if they so desire.

now when Bilbo arrived in the undying lands he was still Old As Hell and im sorry to put it this way, he definitely kicked the can after like, a week of living there. not really so undying, them lands, huh. anyway Bilbo bites the dust and LOOK AT THAT he’s suddenly young again, and another LOOK AT THAT he’s standing in a very comfy, but Not Quite Bag End hobbit hole that has a note hung up on the front door. you wouldn’t think gods could have handwriting but hey, again, they’re gods they can do whatever. the note just tells him that yavannah made this place special and just for Bilbo but that there’s another home waiting for him. very cryptic there, lady. he doesn’t leave at first because hey, his family is here. there’s a lot of reunions and celebrating and food because its the fucking hobbit afterlife, what else would you expect

it takes him a few days of Regular Hobbit Life in his new home to realise ‘holy shit, this is so boring’ so what does a Fool of a Took do when things get boring and there’s a note urging him to do something?

HE’S GOING ON AN ADVENTURE

so Bilbo runs through the whole not-shire, meeting all sorts of people he outlived on the way (looking at you, Lobelia), as well as some elves. because elves can definitely just waltz through all the afterlives. they can walk on top of snow, you think they wouldn’t walk around wherever they please in valinor? rip to mankind, but they’re different.

he gets to the furthest reaches of it eventually, and lo and behold, what awaits him but the view of a tall mountain, an invisible barrier and a very flustered Thorin who is at his wits end as to how Bilbo even got here.

now for thorin’s part of the story we’ll have to start after the botfa again. he basically woke up in the darkness like an episode of naked and afraid, and started talking to Aule. his maker, who loves him to bits by the way since he made thorin, just tells him he’s free to go wherever his heart takes him. again with the cryptic messages from the gods.

so thorin, still very self-loathing and bitter because of his actions right before his death, sees this as Mahal’s way of saying ‘please don’t step foot in my halls u disgusting litle creacher’, when really he just meant ‘please do some well deserved self reflecting and then come inside to be with your family, they all miss you terribly’.

after his chat with the maker thorin just spawns in right at the front gate of the mountain and he has a choice to make. go inside or stay outside. and we all know Thorin’s proclivity for drama so he basically spends LITERAL YEARS just living in self imposed solitary confinement.

oh also tiny hc here, thorin was said to have taken “any work offered to him in the towns of men”, and they showed him in a smithy, but personally I believe they meant it when they said “any kind of work”. so basically thorin is a jack of all trades, master of some. he definitely has master-level skills in certain areas though, enough to build a vaguely hobbit-hole shaped house. why is it hobbit hole shaped?

oh right, the part where Thorin is absolutely enamoured with Bilbo.

"Go back to your books and your armchair, plant your trees, watch them grow. If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.”- HELLO? GAY POLICE? I’D LIKE TO REPORT A CASE OF ‘DWARF KING REALISING THAT THE HOBBIT WAY OF LIVING IS A REALLY GREAT ONE IN CONCEPT / WISHING HE COULD HAVE HAD THAT KIND OF LIFE WITH BILBO’

anyway it’s a long 80 years until Thorin does get to meet Bilbo again, and in the meantime we have one of my favorite additions to any Hobbit fanfic ever: Frerin

For the uninitiated, Frerin is Thorin’s brother. They also have a sister, Dís, but Tolkien never specified when she died and she was a bit younger than Thorin and Frerin so I reckon she’d still be alive as an old dwarf lady somewhere?

Anyway, Frerin. Oh boy. Sansukh, again, does an excellent job at turning Frerin into a character with a level of authenticity that gets real fucking close to Genuine Tolkien™, so most of my own characterisation of Frerin is based on that in Sansukh. With the important omission of the dwarves not being able to see the present/their still alive loved ones in middle earth through a magic mirror pool.

so Frerin takes it upon himself to leave the mountain in search of his brother because he really does want him back. but also because Mahal has had it with Thorin’s antics and suggests Frerin fetch him so he can finally reunite with his family. Mahal doesn’t talk to the dwarves a lot because he’s like an awkward and distant dad, but he does actually speak to them.

so Thorin is supposed to go see his family, which he does, but not immediately. it takes like, a solid year of just brotherly (and sister-sonly) companionship for him to open up about all his anxieties and regrets and THEN he goes into the mountain to cry in his mother’s lap. as you do.

however Thorin still feels like he doesn’t 100% belong with the other dwarves in there, so he frequently spends long stretches of time outside, building away at his house, thinking about Bilbo. the company goes out to visit him sometimes.

more details on the house tho, cuz it’s Important; it’s built halfway into a hill near the mountain, like a proper hobbit hole would be, but the lower levels are built into stone. look, he’s had 80 years to work on constructing this. it’s near perfect in every way for both hobbit and dwarf standards and could definitely fit the entire company and more inside.

now about the barrier. elves can pass through without a second thought because they’re shiny little bastards who just get to do all the cool stuff, but the other races can’t just hop between realms like that; they really have to muster up the willpower. which usually means they can’t do it because a drawback for both dwarves and hobbits is that they favor isolation from other races even in death, and as such don’t want to mingle with each other.

unless you’re Bilbo Badass Baggins though, who simply runs through the barrier to yell at Thorin for leaving him sad and alone for 80 years. he is that bitch.

there’s gonna be some legolas and gimli shenanigans if i can fit them in (cuz i dont know when exactly they sailed west together), possibly a mention of tauriel because bruh peter jackson did us dirty by not giving her any closure besides ‘lol i guess she’s banished from mirkwood??’ and Mairon. because. I also have some thoughts about him.

also Fili and Kili as pseudo matchmakers because every fic needs that

and did I mention there’s gonna be hozier lyrics for chapter titles

i said this was the gist of it but i somehow ended up at ~1900 words. well, more power to me.

[stillinaincrad]

I've only ever read the Freezing manga because I saw the anime back in the day. I don't read a lot of manga but liked this one so much have followed it (totally recommend checking it out, anime follows it really well but manga blows the anime out of the water and goes well past where Vibration ends), but I still like going back to the anime every now and then just because. I think the overall idea for Freezing is pretty great, is plenty creative, and the stories behind the characters - at least the main ones - are solid. I've always thought the artwork is fantastic, really crisp and bold with a style all its own. There's lots of action, good character development, heartfelt humor in just the right places, some unexpected plot twists, and well constructed arcs throughout. Overall, I think it's a really decent story, I always have.

But I've also always thought they could have told that same story in the anime with waaaaay less giant, floppy anime tits all over the place. No joke, it is really difficult to take things seriously when there is so much gratuitous nudity everywhere. I get that the source material is plenty ecchi to begin with but BRUH, the anime was significantly more cavalier with it, which is weird - almost always the opposite is the case, but not here. The anime is far more over-the-top than the manga has ever been.

I've been fighting with the PS4 Funimation app the last few days (it's hot garbage. Buffers worse than dial-up) because I wanted to go back and watch it again, and whereas it brings back a lot of memories and I do still dig this anime even most of a decade later and probably the 5th or 6th time though, I still gotta ask WHY it took so many naked breasts everywhere to make this anime when there was plenty of story to begin with? Bad shows tend to need fanservice to carry bad writing and lack of plot, but all of that is here and yet they still felt the need for a ridiculous amount of bare chesticles all over the place. Can't say I've ever understood it.

[rewrite-the-wrongs]

introductions / howdy, pardner

My first short story was about a fishboy and his human best friend. They battled a mutant piranha (whose name I think may have been Mutant Piranha, such was the monumental daring of my creative endeavor) and his army, who were out to destroy a mountain that held a whole planet together. The boys won singlehandedly, because scale was apparently a bit of a mystery to me.

This was the second grade. My teacher--who held me every day as I cried for weeks, confused and miserable and stranded in the throes of my parents’ divorce--understood before I did that I create to a ploddingly slow and steady drumbeat. A sentence is always so much more in my head than I’m able to let out, at first; I have to pore over it again and again, fleshing and flourishing (and often correcting) it, the same way I often have to reread paragraphs or pages or whole books to truly capture their meaning. In a word processor, this back-and-forth is as easily said as it is done; on double-wide ruled paper with dashed-line handwriting guides, the task is magnitudes more time-consuming, especially for somebody as messy as I am. So, while nearly everybody else played at recess on the sandlot and the jungle gym around us, a select few stragglers laid our reading folders on our laps and finished our stories.

My villain, that dastardly Mutant Piranha, found himself in prison at the story’s close. Awaiting trial, I guess; I never ventured that far ahead, seeing the big fishy bastard for a coward. “When no one was looking, he stabbed himself.” That’s the last line, stuck in my memory, not for its own sake, but for my poor teacher’s horrified face as she read my final draft there on the playground.

A mom volunteered to type up the class’ stories and get them printed and bound. For years afterward I reread that collection, always proud to have written the second-longest piece therein. I felt the weight of the pages, inhaled the tiny but acrid breeze that came from rapidly leafing through them. Knew it was a whole smattering of worlds inside, that one of those worlds was wholly mine, and I had the power to show it to people however I wished. Yes, I thought, I want this.

*

I’ve been introduced to writing many times over, by many people. Don’t get me wrong--I nightowled the first several chapters to many half-baked novel concepts all through my youth. But teachers have a way of showing a thing to you from new angles.

The first person to impact me as such was a high school teacher who was essentially given carte-blanche to construct a creative writing workshop in the English curriculum. The first semester was structured--you practiced poems, short fiction, humor and essay writing, drama, the gamut. Every semester after, the carte-blanche was passed on: A single assignment due a week, each a single draft of a poem or a minimum of two pages’ worth of prose. Forty-five minutes a day to work, and of course free time at home. By the time I graduated, I’d finagled my schedule such that I was spending two periods a day in the computer lab, and several hours after school every day working the literary arts magazine before I went home to get the rest of my homework out of the way and write some more..

My next big influence came in the form of  a pair of writers who taught fiction at my university, a married couple. One had me print stories and literally, physically cut them up section-by-section as a method of reworking chronologies. Told me stories happened like engines or clocks or programs--pieces that meshed differently depending on how they were put together, rules that held each other in place. The other showed boundless confidence in me, listened happily to some older students who recommended I be brought on board for a national arts mag. They both encouraged me toward grad school, but toward the end of my junior year I began to stumble, and by senior year I was, to be frank, a drunken asshole. Time I could be bothered to set aside for writing began to dwindle. I limped through the editorship with the help of my extremely talented, utterly more-than-worthy successor--and come to think of it, I’ve never truly thanked her. Maybe I’ll send her that message, now that I’m feeling more myself.

*

On feeling more myself:

That drunken rage was brought on by a myriad list of factors, the primary ones being 1) I am the child of recovering alcoholics, and our inherited family trauma runs deep, 2) An assault that will likely be mentioned no further from hereon in, as I have reached a solid level of catharsis about it, 3) Some toxic-ass relationship issues, and 4) I was a massive egg and had no idea (or, really, I had some idea, just not the language or understanding or even the proper empathy to eloquently and effectively explore it).

I had a recent relapse with drinking, technically--a mimosa at Christmas breakfast at my partner’s parents’ home--but I’m not honestly sure I can call it a legitimate relapse. I’m not in any official self-help group, I’ve never engaged in the twelve steps or a professional rehabilitation. I had a very wonderful therapist for a few years but reached a point at which I could not pay her any longer and we parted ways--I miss her dearly, as she truly became my friend and confidante; she was the first person I came out to, and very well-equipped to handle it, lucky for me--but I’m still on behavioral medication. That tiny smidgen of alcohol pushed my antidepressants right out of my brain, and I became terribly anxious and angry and sad all at once, and briefly lashed out during a conversation with my partner behind closed doors. Not nearly the lashing out I’ve released in the now-distant past--more on that maybe-never, but who knows, as I am obviously a chronic over-sharer.

Frankly, I don’t deserve my partner. She endured my past abuses, told me to my face I had to be better, and found it in herself to wait for me to grow. She’s endlessly and tirelessly supportive of me. She sat with me to help me maintain the nerve to start this blog tonight. I came out to her as a trans woman just under a year ago, now, and I’m happier than ever, and we communicate better than ever. Our relationship is, bar-none, the healthiest and stablest and happiest I’ve ever been in.

So, naturally, I apologized fairly quickly at Christmas, and continuing where I’d left off at two and a half years, decided I’m still solid without booze.

If we’re all being honest, though (and I’m doing my best to be one hundred percent honest, here, though I will absolutely be censoring names because no shit), I still smoke way too much fuckin’ weed. High as balls, right now. 420 blaze it, all day erryday, bruh. That self-medicated ADHD life. I should be on Adderall and not antidepressants, probably, but it’s been a while since an appointment and psychiatrists are expensive, so I’m at where I’m at for now. Sativas help a lot. It helps with the dysphoria, too.

I don’t have a legal diagnosis for gender dysphoria, but tell that to my extreme urge to both be in and have a vagina. I’m making little changes--my hair, an outfit at a time, no longer policing how I walk or run or how much emphasis I put on S sounds. If I manage to come out to my parents sometime soon--and it feels like that moment is closer every day--maybe I’ll tell y’all my real, full chosen name. For right now, call me Easy.

*

Anyhow. My goals here are pretty simple:

1) Share words, both those by people I like/admire/sometimes know! and occasionally words I’ve made that I like. See the above screenshot from my notes app. Steal some words if you want, but if you manage to make money off some of mine, holler at ya gurl’s Venmo, yeah?

2) Discuss words, how they work, and how we create them, use them, engage with them, and ultimately make art of them. I am not a professional linguist, but I went to undergrad for creative writing, so, hey, I’ll have opinions and do my best to back them up with ideas from people smarter than I am.

3) Books! Read them, revisit them, quote them, talk about them, sometimes maybe even review them, if I’m feeling particularly bold. No writer can exist in a vacuum, and any writer who insists they don’t like to read is either a) dyslexic and prefers audiobooks or b) in serious need of switching to a communications major (no shade, but also definitely a little shade @corporate journalism).

5) I added this last, but I feel it’s less important than 4 and does not deserve bookend status, and I am verbose but incredibly lazy, so here I am, fucking with the system. Anyway: Art! Music! Video games! I fucking love them. I’ll talk about them, sometimes, too. Maybe I’ll finally do some of the ekphrastic work I’ve felt rattling around in my brain for a while now. Jade Cocoon 2′s Water Wormhole Forest, looking right the fuck at you.

6) Ah, shit, I did it again. Oh well. Last-but-not-last: This is obviously, in some ways, a diary, or a massive personal essay. I will sometimes discuss people, places, or experiences that have informed my work just the same as other people’s art has.

4) Be an unabashed and open Trans woman. TERFs, transphobes, ill-informed biological essentialists not permitted. Come at me and my girldick and prepare to be dunked on and subsequently shown the door via a swift and painful steel-toed kick in the ass. Everybody who doesn’t suck, if I screw up on any matter of socio-ethics or respect for diversity, please feel free to correct me.

*

Punk’s dead, but we’re a generation of motherfucking necromancers. Be gay, do crime, fight the patriarchy, and fart when you gotta. May the Great Old Ones select you to ascend to a higher plane and learn the terrible truths of existence.

Much love--

Easy

[thatheathen]

Dear Transphobes

What's annoying to me about vile transphobes who tell us to die constantly (ex. "join the 41%" misunderstanding the statistic at the same time) because our existence triggers them so much. These vile bigots with their one trans joke whine endlessly online about how "woke" Netflix is, claiming Netflix is "forcing LGBTQ agenda!" onto people (yet Dave Chappelle's trash standups are still on the app, but whatever). Netflix and every other private business WANTS engagement, they thrive on controversy i.e. shitheads attacking trans people or black people. Profits over human rights; the Corporate media motto.

"THESE SICKO TRANSGENDERS ARE RUINING MY FAVORITE MOVIES!" Bruh, the whole world isn't you. You are not the world -- you triggered little transphobe. These same people will say how LGBTQ are ruining hollywood, but then turn around and call hollywood pedos. Pick a lane, Jesus fuckin Christ. Diehard bigots honestly make less of the population more than people may believe, but that doesn't mean there's no prejudice from others in the world. That happens. You'll never see my trans ass in Florida or Texas to then be surrounded by cruel fascistic bigots making my life hell. No thanks.

I feel for my queer comrades in those fascist states eager to exterminate them. I'd think about moving, or move near people that make you feel safe even if it's still in the same state that's trying to make being queer in public illegal. It's disgusting. Trans Genocide is a real threat these days. Ignoring that means you're not paying attention (I'm looking at you elitist Democrats). But I digress. My heart goes out to all the activists trying their hardest to protect trans youth and fighting for trans rights. I love you all and you're amazing. Arm Trans Women!

The vile bigots who hate queer and gay people on their TV assume Netflix's audience are all dumb, being "brainwashed" by the "woke mob" twisting the arms of Streaming platforms, and nobody thinks for themselves except the pissbaby bigots, fascist ghouls, conservative reactionaries, terfs, and creepy incels... They don't follow any common (toxic) ideology at all right? Hmmm....

All these trash people with their trash opinions are having massive meltdowns on twitter, facebook, reddit, or IMDb reviews ALL because a show has a few queer people in it. Regardless if it's done well or not, whatever the fuck that means, it always makes them breakdown into pure rage and start going off on "clown world" this and that. They furiously keyboard warrior out about how miserable gay people in a movie, tv show, or video game makes them. As if the cisgender heterosexuals are the real oppressed group who are forced to be tormented by homosexual media. Good. Please continue to suffer, I really don't care.

Our queer existence troubles these cretens to an extreme degree it's kinda funny sometimes, but also scary if they decide to take action on their extreme bigotry to any marginalized group that isn't harming them, but rightwing media will FORCE their views onto them, and tell these credulous bigots that queer people are harming society, and thus the next school shooter is born. Progressive values = tyranny. LGBTQ representation = pedophilic normalization. Civil Rights = forced diversity. Woke = communism. Antifascism = cultural marxism. All these rightwing dogwhistles that has roots in antisemitism and white supremacy are eaten up by miserable boomers and people who hate seeing change and basic human rights we fought for, but they believe we don't deserve.

"Free speech!" But not for us though. We leftwing queers can never go out of line and say anything to upset these vile mothersfuckers that continue to boil my blood beyond my patients will allow me to withstand. Simmer down rightwingers, you're not the main characters of the human story. We're a blip in this timeline. Why do we have to waste time on hating LGBTQ folk, Black & Brown people, Muslims, the disabled, and the homeless? Human nature makes us cruel? No. It's bad human behavior and I believe it all can be unlearned. But sure, believe that humans are naturally cruel and we don't naturally love and nurture. Godforbid if that were the mindset of civilization huh?

These fragile homophobes and insecure transphobes don't think that's what's happening to them, being coerced and groomed if you will into believing that trans people are the reason why their life sucks. Trans people are the go-to scapegoat for almost any rightwing grievances in rightwing spheres. The disaffected cishet white males feel like their ignorant violent thoughts are being validated by these far right grifters and far right media pundits that only care about money and ratings. They're all lying to them so much they don't live in our reality at all. Some are too far gone. Don't bother saving them.

Somehow all those lies about trans people from Steven Crowder and Tucker Carlson isn't brainwashing to the transphobic rightwing that obsess over genitalia and controlling people's bodily autonomy. They're "tellin it how it is" which is also annoyingly idiotic. No, they're telling you how to think. It's all opinions not based on any facts. Big difference. It's so easy to see, but they refuse to face reality. The "I think for myself" crowd who also tells you to "do your own research" as some profess they're not right or left, which is complete hogwash bullshittery and plain cowardly to dare to take a stance on anything. Believe in nothing they say.

So I have an unpopular solution for all the vile transphobes out there who have told me to kill myself and tell trans youth to kill themselves when you "simply disagree" with their existence, and don't want trans folk to exist period, while blindly supporting anti-trans legislation etc. Hey I know a really cool way to make the evil wokeness to stop:

[adamxanzio]

“I Love My Friends. I Hate Bullies” [working title]

I posted this on stupid-ass FB a while ago. It deals with my views on human rights, and how I tend to handle tense situations. Copied and pasted from my notes app.

💜🌹🌷Soooo... I met some really great friends a while ago. Two of them I’ve been kickin’ with steadily. Both of them female (</sarcasm> because, despite what pilgrims like Steve Harvey tell you, it’s totally possible for dudes and girls to be actual friends without wanting “other shit”, or having “other shit” going on; which is totally fine, and not shameful in the least... or maybe that’s just me).

😕Recently, while we were out at a club, dancing and goofing off, as I usually do, some dude standing close by tried to touch the bum of one of my friends. I saw it clear as day, in this dark room, with flashing lights. I decided to keep my eye on this... “person”, as he didn’t make actual contact with her that time. I know I should have done more, at that very moment, and I’m sorry for that. So, this dude tries it again, and makes contact. I look at him right in the eyes, and shake my head “no” at him. My friend didn’t seem to notice. He does not respond. Once again, I didn’t do what I really felt like doing, and I am very sorry. SO, he tries again, a third time. I slap his hand away, get right in his face, and shout at him that I will fuck him up if he touches my friend again. Here I am, shouting in this guy’s face, pointing, and being openly aggressive with him. Not my usually behavior, but it comes out now and then.

🙁The guy walks a short distance away, while I continue to keep an eye on him. The only reason this guy isn’t either thrown out or battered on the ground, is because I myself didn’t wanna risk getting thrown out (though I like this club, I slowly stopped caring if I got banned for fighting, because the safety of my friend is obviously more important). This dumbass comes up to me, like 5 fuckin’ minutes later, trying to put his hand on my shoulder (which I did not let happen), and talk to me in my ear. I keep a short distance, and I decide to hear him out (which I didn’t want to do. I wanted to choke-slam him, among other things, but I was still trying to not have things go there); standing ready for anything else to happen. He says: “yo, don’t ever come at me like that again, bruh. I don’t play that shit”, and a bunch of other flexing horseshit. I shout at him in his ear “FUCK YOU, IDIOT! You grabbed my friend’s ass! Shut the fuck up, you piece of shit!”. He tries to talk over me, shouting about how I shouldn’t talk to him the way I did. FIRST OF ALL... If he is more concerned with my tone and choice of words, than he is with being caught grabbing a strangers ass, then he’s a piece of shit. That’s exactly what I told him at that moment, along with some other choice words. I’m not affected by words, but I could tell that he was. I shouted every hurtful, demeaning thing I could think of about him, not caring about the outcome. I continued to berate him, expecting him to try something, but he stepped away after a few seconds. I told my friend’s boyfriend, who was not too far away, what happened. Turns out this turd who was touching my friend improperly was related to the owner of the club, and was rolling with some “gangsta” types. I told him: “fuck you, and your stupid-ass friends. I don’t care who your friends are, and I don’t care who you’re related to. If your concern is my tone, and choice of words, over what you tried to do with my friend, then fuck every last one of you! You piece of shit! You turd! You scum! You fucking nothing! ...The situation was taken care of, without me having to do anything more. We then went to a quieter place, and talked, as friends do.

☹️I don’t care who you are, who you know, if you’ve been drinking (I definitely don’t care about that. I have zero tolerance for people making excuses for themselves and for others based on if they’ve been drinking), or whatever other meaningless shit people use to feel good about themselves, or feel cool or important; if you do shit like in this situation, your humanity and your “rights” go out the fucking window. Fuck that “gangsta” bullshit. Fuck that whole image. I’m neither impressed nor intimidated by that garbage. Buncha fuckin’ clowns. Even if my friend was a complete stranger, it would have been dead wrong, and would not be tolerated. Also, I must stress that I’m aware of my friend’s feelings toward this kind of treatment to people. I didn’t just go off, blindly, in defense of someone. I know how annoying and unnecessary that can sometimes be.

🤔Some would say: That’s the risk you run being at a club, that’s the risk you run being an attractive woman, etc. ...Well, you also run a risk of messing with people that will not accept, or will not brush off that kind of behavior.

😢Please keep in mind, I don’t like talking about violence, fighting, or altercations like these. I really don’t. The point of this story is to express how I feel about my friends, and give a glimpse into how I handle situations like this. ......I’m a big, brown guy, and it’s easy to stereotype me the wrong way. I don’t go around looking for fights, but I do stay ready for them, even in my most vulnerable, fun-loving moments. Also, I know I also look like a big, soft, androgynous, gigantic dork, who wouldn’t do anything, and doesn’t stand for shit. Both of those are wrong. I may look like a “pussy-ass faggot” (not my terminology. I don’t use words like that in that context, because I think they’re stupid, but I hear it pretty often about myself), but imagine how soul-crushing it would be to get stomped the fuck out by a “faggot” like me. There is a time and place for everything. Just because I’m capable of causing a great deal of harm to others, doesn’t mean I go flexing that everywhere. I don’t think it’s cool, sexy, or even tough. I don’t flex. I don’t walk around trying to be some character. “Putting on a show” doesn’t win fights, but it does show how weak you potentially are. It’s like glass, as I can see right through, and it’s easily breakable. I don’t want to hurt anybody, but I most certainly will, should it ever come to that; which I hope it never does. I can be a cuddly teddy bear, or a full grown grizzly (I prefer “teddy” over everything else in life. All I want in life is good music and hugs from sweet people; but that doesn’t keep me from being prepared for the worst. I don’t like that, but that’s just the world we live in). ...Maybe you think my approach is “wrong”, or contradictory in some way. Well, I’m sure you’d handle it MUCH better. Your templated ethics, and evident lack of experience will only do so much.

🤫I don’t know how long I’m going to keep this post up, because of my feelings toward violence, how upset I was, and the look of discussing things like this. ...At the same time, I’ve let a lot of shit slide that I shouldn’t have in the past, and it makes me really sad that I didn’t do what I felt in my heart, and what I felt was right, for the people I care about, or myself. I didn’t stand up when it was right, and sometimes expected the person affected to stand up for themselves, as I stood by quietly, letting the idiot talk, so they could reveal how shitty they really were. It makes me really sad, to the point of tears, and I’m so sorry to those who I could have stood up for, especially as someone who claims to care a great deal about human rights. I believe the same energy we used to smash neo-Nazis years ago, should be used on misogyny, homophobia, and, dare I say it, this aggressive yet watered down Puritanism that still lingers here and there.

🙅🏾‍♂️Fuck acting “tough”. Fuck fragile masculinity, and “being a man” in general. Fuck entitled idiots. Cherish your actual friendships. Stomp this kind of behavior out, as soon as it shows its ugly-ass head.

With love. ❤️💜💙

Theee end. 💐

🌹🌷🌹🌷🌹🌷🌹🌷🌹🌷🌹🌷

[wintrrplz-blog]

after collecting her things from the hotel, winter gets a uber to the airport where she takes a flight back to la. she aboards the plane and takea her seat near the window of course. she stares out of the window thinking about all the things that occured within this night alone. winter then gets a notification on twitter seeing a tweet from akane. “what the fuck, bruh...” she closes the twitter app then proceeds to her messages and sends akane a message.

imessage [ my bitch 💋] :

for what, my g? for what? because i won’t let you talk down or talk shit about the bitches i fw? that’s not choosing up. i fw you and them so if you gotta problem, address them. not me. especially when i don’t know what was going on!! i was dealing with my own shit. i know them bruh, and they not what you accusing them of, periodt. come on dawg, you know me better than that. i wouldn’t let nobody talk about you either... you know ion do that social media shit, so why bring our business to twitter, when you know ion even rock like that? you supposed to be my friend and i’ll never let shit change me and make me subtweet you when i got your number. you know that! and bringing up the fact you defended me and was bout to fight for me... isn’t that what friends do? i would never throw no shit like that up in your face cause then it’s not genuine. and id rather you watch my ass get talked about than to defend me then throw it up in my face later. shit is whack. and you really on twitter talking about letting a nigga take a pass at you? then it’s one of the niggas you THINK i want or want to fw? come on dawg. i respect everything you said to me tonight because it’s how you feel, and when im wrong i’ll admit it. i didn’t know you got a room for me, i didn’t know none of that, i apologize. and if you feel like i haven’t been the best friend then i apologize, but i’ll never respect you going on social media about our situation when you got my number, b. and i don’t gotta talk to you every second of the day to prove i’m loyal. i got shit going on too, so i apologize im not there like you want me to be. you still my bitch, but all that shit on twitter, is foul. i love you. im boutta take flight though ✌🏼

@wldthcts

[ubelyptus]

soooooooooooo bb,,,...,.,,,strawberrry.

......I JUST FIND IT

  interestinggggggggg

how you Big mad cuz MY block game seeems 

skrong or summn

hanh???

oh.

well.

i never blockedt you 

on snapchat 

or whatsapp (you weren’t even muted),

yup, i still haven’t

but i didn’t have a properly working phone...

still......don’t

but either way you keep threatening to split on me 

like a weapon…fcking

manipulative as shit

it just seems to me that you just want to?

you never imprinted tho 

but she did 

so why should you?

i won’t ever, again, fight....

….with you.

my favorite accomplice

i wanted to learn with an open mind 

even after my phone died 

how to remain soft with you.  

even after being callled 

“old news" 

pffft

at least until

 i ‘m  eventually murdered by a cisgender man...

but

don’t fckn

pppppppop shit 

cuz like….. literally…..all i did was change my url.

shit, i Only blockedt you AFTER i saw you referencing gaslighting.

bc uhmm IIIIIIif that is about meeeeeeeeeeee 

ha!!!

 how fucking dare you.…..lyk....wuhh?

like when you said there is no difference between syn and alesia?????

HANH?

oh, but you think i blockedt you first bc i didn’t wanna get my feelings hurt?

….mhhhhhhh. ok.

seeems odd since you’re not liar 

right, eli????

but,,,,,so what’s this about the cozi password change? am i just shifting too rapidly between your and my reality???

bet.

no, i blocked you on things after THAT 

AND THAT WAS TODAY

oh, and didn’t your friend, my so-called “fighting buddy,” anan…

.just,,,,,fckn block me like i’m useless

trash

randomnly 

after all

i asked 

was that they 

not speak to me 

about you?

but YAAAAAAS  twas ONLY Me and simply Myself and just i 

who ain’t wanna get….hurt.

hanh?????

oh ,

obvi,

yeaaaaaaa

yeeeei

truuuu,

sooooo 

sssssorry,,,,but

calling me “old news” or saying i’m “old too” 

don’t forget your girl is 2 yrs older than you 

and then staying silent for these few days about changing passwords

that..... already did that, boo

at least i sent alesia third party emails thru the app, boo

she pushin 30 and can only talk you 

venuse....????. no....a 

talking and 

w a l k i ng tragedy

entyway don’t bring that up just to be loud and wrong about that too

you’re not always wrong tho, you know

you’d probably fuck up and slit my throat 

 powertripping

when i’m wrong about you

and you can only do that if you

 black and white 

me out 

to NEVER BE WRONG 

AND I DO 

ACTUALLLY HATE THAT ABOUT YOU!!!!! 

WHY CAN’T I EVER BE WRONG, ELI???? 

WHY????//

OH your emotions....? about your father that after 6 yrs you didn’t tell me about?

your reality? when you have a habit of projecting?

 and lowkey being dishonest 

to yourself first

 and then subsequently

 to me????

your time? when i’m mostly on yours?????

your efforts? like ripping up notes and telling me 

“my turn” to get fucked 

by you 

was over

when the only reason i was tiredt

was bc i crashed

too tiredt after explaining to You

that

  i‘m not even going to LET you play middleman

for a baby pushign 30????

oh. bet.

but since we’re being transparent:

here are receipts with timestamps:

http://microhealer.tumblr.com/tagged/hop-hop-hop-hop

http://microhealer.tumblr.com/tagged/hop+hop+bun

http://microhealer.tumblr.com/tagged/hop-hop-bunny

yea you must love dirty laundry

oh.

but that’s what i knew about you.

oh:

be yr own guest my love

i Knew you would ignore the “old news” message since that's literally when you started telling on yourself 

you do treat trans partners

 like side hoes, 

thasssa wholeBET 

and some change

 for you to create

cuz thassssssss 

how you feel about me fr fr

so that “like” is mine but

  i…..actually really Really love that you laughed tho.

bc i haven’t heard you fully belly laugh in a long time.

if ever iirh.

even after knowing you for 6+ years, 

your supposed “first friend “ in the DMV

the person i can trust my life with

the only

you’re my only...

 ,,,,,even after i spiraled 

and cut myself for the first time since middle school?

now my friends are fucking spotting you 

and talking to each other 

about you

oh, you didn’t know. 

but i got mehndi done today 

let a summer baby boy

love 

a cut up 

by me

body

 before noon

today 

thinking i’d see you and we could talk like,,,,

…..like real people do.

and you’d be distracted by the design and not zone in

 on the failed cuts

 on my wrist 

since i’m shit at not just repeatedly carving into 

white meat

 when i can only use a ceramic blade

i just didn’t WANT you to 

so i never “came home to [you]”

you said that on nov 4th/5th of last year

and

i’ve been looking up bpd all day

eventho i told you

  i don’t trust the internet 

sooooo you not telling me 

didn’t hel p

but it’snot at all your job to 

and i sitll

stilllstil stil stilllca’t see

....and i dind’t want you to see.

bc i’m not just a man.

i’m still femme

which you seem to love to forget

and still soft enough, i think.....

i hope…..or learning to be soft,,,,

where it won’t get me killed,,,,,

but where it still counts.

with…or without you.

either way i’m a man who loves you. a man whose phone died at 28% trying to get you to see that i was trying to be soft even after you called me

 “old news”

but,,,,,.....,,,compared to …..who?????? sh....oooo??????

your new girlfriend who is 1 or 2 years older than you?????

and can’t speak to me 

a man who is only barely out of 23???

and instead only whispers

 to you?????

bruh, she’s clearly not fond of me. 

and you’re not a liar , 

so don’t 

she had to tell you that she wasn’t the one putting out “aggy energy”

specifically

during yennayer which

i ruined

and im still sorru

but which means

she’s probably done it in your apartment on purpose already, boo

didn’t think of that, did you

lingustically.,,,,,nope.

oh, but there’s power in a whisper, darling.

i am just cardinal like you

i am air too.

  i should know 

bc i accidentally whistled....and,,,,,,

i only blockedt you so that you wouldn’t “hurt [your] own feelings”

 like you told anan you sometimes do.

sooooooooooooo yea... i

did it so you wouldn’t hurt you. 

as cardinal water/pisces moons 

are prone to do.

you can;t drain

and you can’t drown

 ain’t that how i affirmed you

i already hurt me 

when i dissociated 

and i’m STILL FUCKING sorry 

that there was blood that you had to see. 

i couldn’t stay in my body long enough to clean fast enough

but i still didn’t want you to hurt you bc of me.

like you did repeatedly

bc of bpd or bc of basically cishet or at least cis ~queer girls

or other partners 

like when you were with kat,

who’s still disgustingly attached to a messy white

and now a new black kid.....

or with shushoo.

and how you might with alesia.

no, correction: how you have with alesia. 

how you will continue to, if you’re not careful, with alesia.

you’re a lion facing a prince of a house kitten ,....,

.,, who is homeless.

do you feel good, big boss?

all i asked was for you to listen t

o how you were speaking to me 

on the phone 

at your place of work 

and when she’s there

possibly a place of worshiop

..... even after i told you 

that i was intentionally putting energy into Not fighting you

and you

  say you

"don’t wanna be a middle person" 

but you also….wanna cape for yet another fucking cis girl.

who isn’t even muslim this time. 

HOWtragic.

i couldn’t laugh

couldn’t ever laugh at sway

bc by whatever fortune if you do split or don’t 

 i still  love you

i love you too much

but in those moments after that phone call….

after my phone died…

and my body couldn’t move to charge it.

wouldn’t move….

and all i could do was cry during the adhan.

bc you’re tooo much like matt now

i wish i knew what it could feel like to

 hate someone 

who called you 

"OLD NEWS” 

compared to a bitch pushing 30 

youza WHOLE fuckn clown, dawg.

matt did this same shit

move me out for a new side bitch

yet anotehr cis

look at how cute trans love can be

oh

no

NO

no,

no

no

this is what you give me:

laughter.

BC what fucking luck.

BUT IT’S gotta be TROOF

  s ince you don’t lie?/?

shit I LAUGHED TOO:

it sounds like….

NEITHER OF US

KNEW WHAT COULD

HAVE BROUGHT US

HERE, ELI.

maybe you nursing poison in your own home

and telling me i’m making you feel unwelcomed

on a blog and not to my face did it

fuckingggggggggg. why’ald.

you think it’s too much sweat????? false. 

that apartment stayed cold.

too many tears?

 ok ok yea troof.

but too much love? forreal?

we?????

ooooop

hoooop!!!

oh, you speakin’ french now. our collective colonizers tongue in 20gayteeeeeeeen?????

CAN’T RELATE 

bc I’M TOOOOOO GAY

wow. we ruined it, fam???? fr fr?

nah, chosen fam.

you ruined us.

you ruined us over:

 a cis girl and

your own impatience

and your own anger.

and my slow brain and my slow body

//

i’m not sure she’d find you from maryland

if you dissociated bc your other semi

 but not 

girlfriend emotionally abused you

until people who didn’t know you were muslim

thought you were fucking drunk

and you fucking stilllllll 

work with her?????

why couldn’t you just wait until she found a new job???

ain’t she trying????

or izzzzzz she??????

hahhnh???

where was the damn rush?????

you’re like two goofy high schoool kids 

reaching for the quickest nuts every 6 hours

 like jesus fuck.

you’re irresponsible as shit telling me i’m a grown man making grown decisions and i see this 

?????

unREASONABLE, ELI.

this isn’t a situation of a kettle calling a pot black

 babe

bc i’m actually Black

and you’re not

but she’s black too.

what did i tell you:

"you datin’ two whole Niggas. if you fight me over her, you will lose either way.”

but instead you called me “obtuse”

SAT words for me

 but not for you…….what.,,,.,,,,,,,, fckn luck……..

what luck,,,,,that the one person who housed me consistently

and kept me alive

when i trusted no one

would call me "old news”

and let their cis girlfriend

 turn herself into your

personal "healing” …...

sibkid. \\\\

howTragic like all of CC’18

you know what happens when you slip and get sloppy and let a baby bitch be responsible for your healing?

she leaves. 

for a real bitch 

with microhealing abilities, 

GOOFY.

she worships a new goddess every friday?????

well, i know only of orixas 

and only of black power

 but from what i know of goddesses OFF of OUR continent…

soooon...

at least one of them WILL want a soul from her

just letting you know it might not have to be hers.

…..OH!

and when i chargedt and openedt my phone after days of wandering. ….the last messages from you are:

YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID “LEAVE [[[[MMMMMYYYYYYY]]]]]] KEYS”

like a fucking baby.

imagine that.

even to you, i’m still a whore.

out…the…bakc….dooor.

??????

i couldn’t even work a john when i wanted to

 if i was sad about you.

but imagine?????

  a cis-pixie woman older than you

letting you treat her like a child?????

then

imagine me feeling shamed into leaving

bc of pictures of your smiling face

after i cut myself and felt shame 

that

in your unwelcomed  to both me and you

BLOOD

 blood 

is what brings me back

 to life.

how.

fucking.

why’yald.

i blockedt you so that you didn’t lurk.

bc THat is what you do.

instead of speaking with me, 

you seem to have expected me

 to read your blog back 7 years.

and just know all of the fatherly things that trigger you.

like…even during the times when i was afraid of my own phone and laptop for 2 months bc of my sister, brother, and birth parents????

funny how i’m the youngest of us “grown folks” and yet still find that really 

FUCKING

immature.

of YOU

to do

you really never knew me, or did you…..??

you donated to me before you even knew me.

so i know your heart has parts made of gold.

but now you show off your crystals and your gold.~~~

yep.

here we are.

you’ve "only every seen [me] as a boy.”

ok. bet.

and unti this post:

i’ve hardly heard you refer to me as a man.

so:

ain’t you late?

ain’t you late, babe??

ain’t you late?

i’m a year younger than you.

which means if you grown

i musta BEEN a man too, boo.

but you’ll always be

 my favorite accomplice

 and always be my favorite friend too.

but you cannot think you can play me by calling me

 “old too” or “old news"

 for young fish who is basically femme trade

and thinking i won’t cut open a fool.

which coincidentally always happens to be me

she’s hardly out to anybody important and lying at work too.

i must be bigger fool.

bc you knew better and didn’t do better.

but i’m being immature.

  ok ...,.,,.,,

cute.

your pisces moon is keeping you from seeing clearly but that’s what young water seems…to do. to much light reflected; tho it is a fountain of youth.

she’s pushing 30 baby 

but true, you’re her boo.

yea, a childish boo.

you ever wonder why her playlist from you had more songs than ours did?

why she can never keep a man around for valentines day?

oh but don’t you love “patterns”, baby????

unless it’s her leaving shit around the apartment

or her triggering you

or her treating your dick like it’s foreign, 

even to you.

my gay ass was shookedt 

when you told me you voluntarily 

triggered yourself

 for her kitty too

but i AM 

a grown man

 who is “running” from….you

you think that statement is not…. dishonest??

you really think that statement is true???

—

i didn’t run. i just

needed space

and you afforded me none.

you couldn’’t afford it.

february is before march which is before april 

sooooooo it’s always a tight month ain’t it???????

oooooooh but you afforded her plenty.

she gets to take off her fucking pants while i try to figure out if i should move from a spot next to you….

on your fucking bed.

she took off her pants to climb near you before she could even say hi to 

nooonoo

ahh right

and THEN ME.

“Oh, you CAN stay”

that’s what She told me.

and you said nothing.

so i left….the room.

i never run.

you pushed me out with your captain save-a-cis silence.

it’s violence.

and

you’re still pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing 

until me…you know 

i, the "old news” 

just feels like he should just 

fucking fall 

onto the district streets

and she finds it

to her fucking fancy 

to fall

 into your lap

like a damn,,,,zel. 

distressedt.

with a roof over her head outside of your apartment too.

woooooooops!

yip, as she is probably prone to do.

her kind….isn’t new….boo.

her kind isn’t new to me

her kind isn’t new to you

you ever wonder why she feels so familiar to you?

she reminds Me of the girl who told you 

she could never marry you 

and is now trying to date someone just like you

so don’t be so unkind to me 

or to you 

or be so foolish

 as to believe i gave up on you

you gave up on me

and on top of that

you think i just...ran

ran….with what clothing?

the ones you packed up for me and left at the door 

that i was suppose to pick up 

and slide out the back….like a fucking whore?

you just tryna be

a cissie's bae

who stay clownin on trans folks now?

oooooooh issa bet, mo

. i mean.,,,.,,.mhhhh i guess?

—==—

but troooof, i don’t “need" anybody.

but i want you.

but you need her.

that’s how it work, don’t it?????

that’s why you risk job security every day.

and let her leave her panties on my clothes.

and let her tell me i "can stay" in …..A, not MY, spot next to you

in yo'bed?

what fucking fools. the two of you.

but “no one is forcing [me] to"

oh, baby you /are/ forcing me too

i look on your blog and then find out you’ve been feeling “unwelcome in [your] own home”

this whole fucking time

all the way since early november, innit?????

if i love you at all, 

what else am i to do?????????????

??????????????????????????/

know that you will self-destruct 

and just…wait for you to????????????????????

???????????????????????????????/

no

i didn’t run.

you just fucking pushed me.

and you’re still fucking pushing.

and you’ll keep pushing.

bc that is what you do.

embe…..@strawberreli 

se sá’m te konne nu’ou.

you like microblogging so much

so like it if you read this shit

[3shaaamazng]

Reason for a Season

Since I’m like Lana Condor who write letters to all the boys she liked.. I realized I’ve been doing that here on my tumblr.. and idc if they get to read it. I think if it’ll even be better if they do because they can read what I thought about them. haha anyways..

This one is for hopefully the last guy I met from a dating app (for now since I’m quitting it and just gonna try the in-person mingling way since I actually meet more people in person anyway and my personality can)— and seem like none of people from dating apps worked for me. I’m not meant for it. I dont have time for games. I am more convinced that dating apps are not meant for me.

but hey..Just want to let you know that you’re the first one I ghosted that I had a connection with. HAHAHA! well, you kinda already did in a way, it’s just we ended up talking again. But this time, I decided to stop talking to you...

I just watched this movie called Exes Baggage. and the guy reminded me of you. I know you have baggages from your previous relatiionship. We all do..

but the guy really reminded me of you because he can’t decide what he realy wants to do yet..

but okay.. let me go back how I wanted to really start..

Mr. G,

I’m glad we met. Hope you were also glad to meet someone like me. For the past 3 months that we were talking, I was confused if you just wanted to be friends or more than that. I was going with the flow and see how things are. Because I haven’t talked to someone like you in a long time. Someone who I can text in essays and talk about things I like, I do, I feel,I experienced..etc. For me, talking to you was TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. Because it’s rare to find someone who can match my energy when it comes to my talkativeness.. I’ll miss that.. I do miss it now. Like what I said, I’ve been just this strong and independent woman. So things like that makes me weak. I dont’t know how to talk to guys... and so for me, talking to you was like “WOW FINALLY AGAIN A DECENT GUY I CAN TALK TO!” (Because back then it was P)

Anyways../

You were cool. You got to hang and chill with my friends.. You’re easy to get along with... and even made an effort to drive in the snow.. I appreciate it!

I was enjoying your company.. I like how finally after a long time, I have something to look forward to again.. But believe me, I was overthinking. I was already preparing myself that you’d break me at some point. I was looking for flaws, something I know you’ll mess up one day.. something you’ll do to disappoint me.. my friends told me to stop doing that to myself in every guy I get to talk to and just Enjoy the moment.. so I did. 

But when did things go wrong?

Idk.. you tell me... you got into a a fight in a party where I did my best to get you out of.. I took care of you.. I do not mind. I saw your embarassed and ashamed expression the next day that made me believe that whatever they were accusing you was not something you’d do by nature. We had our deep talk about relationships for the first time.. which I finally got to figure out why I met you.. because for some reason, God always make me meet broken hearted people.. so from there, I just feel like you’re just lost.. and I’d be here willing to help you since I’vebeen doing that to people anyway.. From our talk, I decided that I’ll stay as your friend and who knows maybe later on... things would be different. I asked myself, do I like you? Answer is I was interested because I had that connection with you. I enjoyed your company.. and also maybe yes, i was starting to like you. But At the same time I’m actually not sure about it. I’m in the middle. It takes some time for me to like someone.

Then.... one night, you failed to give me an update for our plans when I was expecting you to pull through.. I told you how to improve it.. You said you were willing too make it up.. but bruh... you did not even ask me if our plan that day was still going to happen... we also had our plans on another day (Tuesday) to watch a movie.. but still you did not even bother to hit me up and follow through about that..

and you responded to my text 2 days later and I felt like it was not even sincere.. I started to question if everything you told me were fake.. you said I’m awesome and you feel lukcy to have met someone like me who is supportive.. but what happened when I just confronted you with one thing?? if you were a friend or if you at least value me as a person.. you would have been able to show that.. you would have made more effort. But I guess that was me expecting more from you.. because I’m the type of person who always give andI don’t receive as much back... I wanted to change the tone of our conversation and let that go, so even if I should not talk to you anymore at that point, I went ahead and made it more friendly..but then.. you sent something flirty again that made me question.. what do you really want? What’s all these mind games? now youi’re playing with me?? shouldnt you already know what I feel about guys when I opened up to you? anyways.. I was already disappointed with that faking shii.. then you be playing mind games with me.. so that’s when I stopped.. Mixed Signals are UGLY. And i’ve gone through that. I don’t want to deal with it again so I stopped. You like the attention I give you, but you don’t want to do anything about it. Idk which direction we’re going if it’s just friendship or more than that cause honestly I was down for Friendship. I at least want you to be a friend and help you as a friend. But then, idk. I just started to feel that maybe you’re fake to me all this time. You’re all about talking but no actions. You’re a talker and not a doer...

I was like.. if you can’t be a friend to me (at least) and if you’re someone who I won’t date.. then you are  just another temporary person in my life.. they say we meet people for a reason and some are for a season. lol

But really what I want to say is that.. I hope you get to fully move on from your ex.. It takes time. I know you are trying to explore options right now.. meeting other girls, etc.. But what I truly believe that you should work on first is yourself.. loving yourself more. I know how painful it is to be betrayed by someone you love.. and going through a divorce is not an easy process.. it’s painful.. Don’t rush in falling for someone again. Like what you said, you do not know what to do with relationships yet. Don’t make a girl fall for you, lead them on if you are not sure yet, and eventually feel that you’re not ready to enter another relationship. You’ll just end up hurting her (the movie I watched was about this. You should watch it lol) but you get it? Make friends instead. But it’s okay to get to know someone, just be aware what you’re making her feel.

You are by yourself right now in a place where most of your family and close friends are far.. but maybe this can help you better to move on and shape yourself to be the better version of you.. someone better than who you were when you were with her.. Show to that b**tch how stupid she is for letting you go, for hurting you... But don’t just work on yourself to prove her wrong, work on yourself because it’s an investment for yourself in the long term.. because you have to love yourself first before you love others. 

Trust me, I’m so good at telling other peole what to do, but I, myself still in the process of working on that... working on loving muself more and work on my insecurities on my own so I am more prepared to enter a relationship later.

I wish you’ll find that girl who can take all those fears away.. I know you’re scared to love gain.. I know how that feels.. but hey at least you’re going out there and see the world.. see options..but love yourself first.

there’s this scene from the movie that I watched that hit me hard that I also want you to keep in mind.. 

this was the scene. **translating the tagalog stuff**

“Nix: I’m just scared to love again because I’ll get hurt again..

Pia: why you gotta be scared? I’m not belittling your feelings but I feel like the people who are scared to love again did not truly love in the first place.. because if you loved, you shouldn’t be scared to feel the pain again, you must endure it all so you can feel what love is again.. it should be like that because love overpowers pain”

That line hit me hard! Cause like you, i’m scared to love again. But Genno has been telling me the same thing Pia said. It’s just hearing that way made more sense.. soo

This year, I told myself i’ll mingle with people.. enjoy wthe moment. if someone approach me and he is decent... I’ll give it a try... but also I’m focus on working on myself..

Meeting you made me believe that decent guys are still out there because I really lost hope on that every now and then.. you showed how not all the time it’s girls who get cheated on.. that guys can love deeply too.. It gives me hope that my future someone is just there also learning for himself.. Like what Genno told me, you have added contribution to my experience and now I can level up.

I take this as a lesson.. yes i am still this hopeless romantic girl.. but I am more hopeful now. I’d do whatever just to feel kilig again.. just to feel what love is again.. but first I will work on being more confidnet in talking to people and stop being picky.. (but soooo hard) haha

I will also work on myself.

I know you’re not a bad guy, you’re a good guy.. just ended up being  or looking $hiity with your actions because you dont’ know what to do.. you were weak just cause I confronted you (well apparently Californians do not like confrontations sooo..) Anyways, I wish you the best... if ever you get to read this,that’s cool! Glad you made it here... If you ever want to catch up, I’d be down...

But I don’t know when I’ll ever see you again.. 

Thanks for stopping by in my life :)

[uberff]

Chapter 3

                                                        Jaylen

“Yo, you always smoking.” Odell complained as he coughed from all the smoke that was going around. Nobody told his bored ass to come over here. He need to be some where chilling wit his sister or somebody. Somebody find this nigga a friend.

“And you always in my face, but you don’t see me complaining bitch.” I shrugged as I blew smoke out my nose. I hated when people complained about my smoking habits. It ain’t like I’m out here smoking cigarettes. When he text me, I specifically told him that I was smoking and when I’m smoking, I like to be left alone.

“Some people live for the powerrrr yeaaaaa..” I sang lowly as I closed my eyes. I wasn’t in my feelings or nun of that shit. I was just more of an R&B type of dude. I mean I fucks wit rap heavy, but sometimes I just wanna relax and vibe.

“Nigga I came over to talk about my problems and you singing and shit. Wuttice this? A Tyler Perry play?” He sucked his teeth. Him and Winter we’re going through it like always, and he wanted advice. I would’ve been left her difficult ass if you ask me.

“Boy you better drop her ass and keep it pushing.” I told him as he straight faced me. I guess he ain’t like that idea.

“What you want from me, Bruh? I asked you if you wanted to hit this and you said no.” I waved him off. Don’t get me wrong, I’d help my nigga in a heartbeat but right now I was vibing and I wasn’t about to let NOBODY kill my fucking mood after this bitch just pissed me off.

I was fucking wit this one chick, and I ain’t even gone lie I told her we were together just so I could hit. She finally got the memo that I was lying and gone try and cut me off. Like damn, it wasn’t even that serious Judge Judy ass bitch. Then she got the nerve to get a new nigga. Unbelievable.

“I’m out, you pissing me off.” He chucked up the deuces as I laughed. It was funny when he got mad cause this nigga be ready to kill somebody once you push his buttons.

Staring around at my now spotless condo, I thought of all the things I could do. I wasn’t into all that social media and TV shit so most of the time I just sit here when I’m not painting. Well except Twitter, that shit be lit.

“Where’s Odell?” Winter barged through my door, looking like Cleo from set it off. I don’t know why the fuck her voice was so damn deep. I thought she was one of my niggas.

“Chill Remy Ma, barging in here like you pay my bills. Fuck wrong witchu’?” I asked as I got up and stood in front of her. She looked like she wanted to slap the shit outta me for saying that. I wanted to laugh so bad, but truth be told I was lowkey scared of her ass. Hell, everyone was scared of her except Odell cause he knew how to handle her ass.

“I didn’t come to joke around with you, where is he?” She asked as she started moving everything around. That’s where she fucked up. I just cleaned up.

“Oh no baby, what is you doing? Wrecking my shit like you the Incredible Hulk or some shit. Dumbass, he’s at his fucking crib.”

“Fight me Jaylen.” She said as I looked at her like she was crazy. I guess she was tired of my shenanigans. I don’t give a fuck.

“You wild. Go eat a snickers.” I chuckled at her as I pet the top of her head. She scrunched up her face, and before she could say anything I politely walked her to the door before slamming it in her face. “Damn nigga can’t get no privacy anymore.” I shook my head as I locked the door.

I hated locked doors, but I ain’t finna deal with they crazy asses. As I walked into the kitchen, I started to think about the bomb ass meal that my nigga Rob made for me a few days ago. Shit, I wish her little ass was the mea-

The sound of my phone ringing cut off my unholy thoughts. “What?” I answered with attitude without checking the caller I.d. It was a FaceTime call.

“Jaylen!” I heard my little sister Jayla voice. My whole mood completely changed. Jayla was my fucking heart, my everything.

“Hey pretty girl! I haven’t seen your little pretty face in a minute, what you been up to?” I smiled in the camera as she blushed causing me to laugh. She was adorable.

My dad’s girlfriend had Jayla a few years ago and she was the cutest little ball of energy. My dad’s girl on the other hand? Nah man, that bitch was ghetto. I don’t understand why he even got with her. It’s hard to believe she birthed something so precious.

“Learning my ABC’s!” She smiled showing one of her missing teeth. She had just started school this year and it sucked that I couldn’t be there, but summer was coming up so hopefully she can spend it here with me. That would be dope.

“That’s good! Let me hear you sing them.” I told her as she cleared her throat and started singing her ABC’s. Jayla actually had a voice. Reminded me of my momma. Everyone knew Momma J could sang her ass off. My dad had a few skills, but no one could top ma dukes.

“Aye! That’s my girl! You being a good girl for your dad?” I asked as she nodded innocently. She may have looked innocent, but she was a handful.

“Nigga I’m yo daddy, too.” I heard my dad’s voice in the background causing me to chuckle. My dad was really a trip. Funniest man alive, I swear.

“Sup pops?” I laughed as he picked Jayla up and both of their faces were in the camera. They were twins.

“Nah don’t try to claim me now. This fool tripping Jayla.” He joked as I laughed. “Go help ya mom real quick.” He told her as she ran away smiling.

“How you been, son?” He asked, realizing we haven’t talked in a while. Don’t get me wrong, we were mad close but niggas been busy. Plus, I know he been busy with working and Jayla.

“Good, gettin’ to this money.” I cheesed as I pulled a stack out my pocket and flashed it to him. He chuckled and shook his head. My dad was a wealthy man also, but it felt good to know that I ain’t have to depend off of him.

“What about you though?” I asked, getting serious.

“Same shit man. Jayla’s a fucking handful. It’s like lil mama don’t ever get tired. Reminds me of you.”

“Me? How?” I don’t remember acting like Jayla at all. I was a sweet lil innocent kid. I ain’t hurt a fly.

“Boy you know you used to climb walls and shit like you was Spider-Man.” He joked a he let out his ugly ass Windex bottle laugh. Nigga stayed laughing at his own corny ass jokes.

“Akikiki, you ain’t funny old man.” I mugged him while he continued to laugh. Somebody come get they pops.

“Damn, I miss you son. We gotta come out there and visit soon.” He said as his laughter died down.

“You know you can come whenever, just make sure you take yo baby mama back to the hood before you come.” I assured him as he chuckled, putting his fist up to his mouth. He thought it was funny every time I talked about her cause he knew it was true.

“Besides all that shit, she cool. I mean yea, she a lil loud but-”

“JAYCEON! IM TIRED OF CLEANING UP AFTER YO ASS!” I heard her loud voice yell in the background as he jumped making me snicker. “I rest my case.” He flicked me off.

“Fuck up, Ima talk to you later.” He hung up before I could even say anything else. Man I was looking forward to them coming down here. It would’ve been nice if my mom could too. Even though they wasn’t together, they were still cool.

Pushing those thoughts to the back of my head, I scrolled through my contacts to find Rob’s contact. A nigga was starving.

Tapping on her name, the phone rang for quite some time before her face appeared in the camera. “Eh, you ugly in the morning.” I laughed as her swole face was all in the camera. I was kidding, but she did look like a blow fish when she woke up.

My smirk was soon wiped off of my face when I heard the 3 beeps. This motherfucker. I ain’t even finna call her back, I’ll just go buy something to eat.

“Nah let me start picking bitches up, a nigga bored.” I mumbled to myself as I clicked into the Uber app and made myself available.

**

Once I was at my destination, I thanked God cause a nigga’s feet was starting to hurt. I was at a nice looking hotel, waiting on this person to come out. This was like the 8th person I’ve picked up.

The petite girl came out with sunglasses and a big hoodie, struggling with her duffle bag. I would help, but she a big girl she got it.

As she finally got in the car, I drove off. “Fuck, I didn’t even have time to catch my breath. Thank you for being such a gentleman.” She said sarcastically. I knew that attitude from anywhere.

“Who you getting smart wit?”

“Jaylen?” She asked as she pulled her glasses off.

“Didn’t I just buy yo ass a car? What you doing here?” I rose an eyebrow as I noticed her long brown curls  that flowed down her back. She made them loook good on her. 

This whole time, Rob was at a hotel that was like 30 fucking minutes away. She had a whole big ass room at home, what was she doing here?

“I don’t drive in the rain, thanks.” She said as she brought her head up from her lap.

“You trying to go to my place or what?” I asked her, noticing it was getting a little dark out.

“Sure, why not?” She said nonchalantly. She know she wanted to come over, I always showed her a good time whenever she did.

“Don’t say it like you don’t wanna come, cause you know you do.”

“What you got planned?” She looked over at me with a smirk. Let me find out Rob a freak.

“First, we can fuck for a few hours then-”

“I’m serious!” She playfully hit my chest. Little did she know, I was serious too. I would fuck the shit out of Robyn.

“Aight.. wanna play 2k?” I ain’t really have shit else to do, and it would be nice to whoop her ass in something. She looked like she sucked in 2k.

“Yo simple ass would ask that.. but sure why not?” She said, flashing me her pearly whites. She was fucking pretty man.

This was gone be a long night due to the fact that I couldn’t try nothing with her.

**

Bumping to some PAC, I mumbled the lyrics as I swept up the kitchen. I loved cleaning on Sunday’s, it just felt nice to get everything out the way. I like my shit spotless. If someone drops like one drop of water on the floor, Ima make them clean it up. Call me a neat freak or whatever, I don’t care.

“They got money for wars, but can’t feed the poor.” I rapped as I searched around for the dustpan.

As I was sweeping, I started to think about this art show I had coming up in 2 weeks. I wanted everything to be perfect. This was going to be my first show, and boy I was nervous as hell. I think I got this.

Me and my mom always talked about this day..

I was knocked out of my thoughts when one of my phones started ringing. I didn’t even know where that bitch was at. “Dawg, I just cleaned this damn living room.” I sighed as I realized I was gone have to rip and run all up and through here. Just when I thought I was almost done cleaning..

I was lazy as hell, but I knew it was one of my clients cause my personal phone is in my pocket. I wasn’t about to miss out on no money either.

As the ringing continued, I noticed that it had to be either in the couch or behind it. Moving the couch pillows all around, my Matte Black IPhone 7+ was lying there. Sucking my teeth, I noticed the phone eventually stopped ringing so I picked it up and checked the screen.

Loyal: GM Chris, what time did you say I needed to pick up the piece again?

Damn she hit a nigga with the dry ass abbreviations. “GM.” I mumbled to myself as I chuckled.

Cynthia was another loyal client of mine. She was my mom’s friend daughter. She’s been buying from me before my work even got out there and recognized. She was fine as hell, but I knew she ain’t take me serious. She’s 32 on her grown woman shit, and I know she ain’t got time to be messing wit me.

Me: Sup Cynthia, you can come pick it up at around 2. How does that sound?

Loyal: perfect! ️ see you at 2!

Tossing my phone back on the couch, I heard little footsteps coming down the stairs. I knew it was Rob lil lazy ass. “You finally up? Yo, I thought you was dead.” I said to her as she walked in the kitchen. I would’ve made breakfast for her too, but I seriously ain’t think she was gonna get up. And I shole wasn’t finna wake her. She seemed pretty tired.

She always looked so refreshed whenever she woke up. Her jet black straight hair was in a messy bun, while she wore a big t shirt and some bunny slippers. She a big ass baby I swear.

Before I could speak, I seen her open the microwave, about to take my plate out. “Oh no baby, what is you doing?” I said in my NOLA accent as I swatted her hand away. I had made MYSELF some honey butter biscuits, crispy bacon, fluffy eggs, hot grits, and a lovely side of pineapples that I cut up.

“What you mean? I’m-”

“Close mouths don’t get fed baby, that’s my food. I’ll buy you some Waffle House or some shit.” I assured her as she mugged me. I’d give her a piece of my pineapple or something, but she wasn’t getting my food. That’s something a nigga don’t share at all. I don’t care who you is.

“Trifling ass.” I heard her mumble under her breath as she started to look in my fridge. She pulled out the smoothie I had just bought from Smoothie King a few hours ago. Smoothie King hit the spot every time. I always got Island Impact.

“Who told you to get my smoothie?” I asked as I rose my eyebrow.

“Shut up, you got a whole meal over there.” She complained as she sipped some of the smoothie from the straw. Wasn’t she the one just complaining the other day about how she don’t know where my mouth been?

“Girl shut up.” I laughed as I got out another plate and started giving her some of my food. I don’t know how I feel about all this nice shit going on.

“Thanks. Can I see your laptop?” She asked with a cheesy smile. Huffing, I grabbed my Mac off of the couch and handed it to her.

“Wow, when you let people see your laptop can you make sure you exit out of your porn first?” She said as she chuckled lowly. It wasn’t no shame in my game. We all know what niggas do when they home alone. Get that lotion and laptop popping ASAP.

“Maybe you should get your own laptop.” I replied as she looked up from the screen.

“I do, but I don’t feel like going all the way next door just to get it when yours is right here.” She said she she grabbed her glasses that she had brought down here.

“Wanna hit this?” I asked as I snug my arm around her shoulder. She shook her head no as I sucked my teeth. I had a blunt behind my ear that I was saving for this moment.

I knew she was stressed out from whatever her and O was talking bout earlier cause it was all over her face. Plus, I knew her feet was killing her from the heels she been wearing all last night. I was just trying to get her to relax a lil bit.

“Come onnnn Rob, ion’ want you sitting there looking like a lost puppy all night. Smoke dis blunt wit me.” I told her as she looked at me for a quick second.

Taking the blunt out of my hand, she inhaled the smoke as she closed her eyes, blowing it out of her nose. Taking another hit, a smile spread across her face. Passing it to me, she sat back and put her feet on my lap. She lucky I like feets.

“What’s bothering you?” I asked her as I started to massage her feet. She sighed as she threw her head back.

“Just some stuff happened at my shoot yesterday when I was leaving. It’s fine, I’m good now.” I knew this motherfucker was lying, she not slick at all.

“You know I’m gone bring this up another time, right? I’ll drop it for now though.” I told her as she smiled.

As she closed her eyes again, my eyes wandered off onto her long, toned legs. I couldn’t help but rest my hand on her thick thigh. She tensed up a bit. “Relax.” I whispered in her ear as she loosened up. I know that made her wet for a fact.

She looked so good right now and I honestly just wanted her to sit on my face. “Let me eat your pussy, Robyn.” I blurted out as she didn’t react. It was as if she didn’t hear me.

“Ok..” she mumbled as a smirk plastered across my face. I knew she was too high to care.

My lips crashed against hers as she began to run her dainty hands down my tattooed covered chest and abs. She smelt so fucking good, like flowers and shit.

Carrying her to my room, I laid her on the bed breaking the kiss. I bit my lip admiring her body. I took off her skirt before climbing in between her legs. Kissing her lips while taking her bra straps off of her shoulders, I kissed her neck continuing to take her bra off exposing her bare, little perky titties. I’m glad she ain’t have nipple rings, a nigga was tired of tasting coins.

I licked her neck down to her perfect nipples sucking on each one gently making her moan unexpectedly. “Damn these is pretty.” I mumbled against her skin, causing her to chuckle.

Leaving trails of rough, sloppy kisses down her stomach, I made my way all the way to her inner thighs. I played with her wetness through her soaked panties. Her moans grew a louder as I used my thumb to circle her pearl. “J-Jaylen..” She moaned out. I swear to god that made my dick jump. The way she was biting her lip was so fucking sexy.

I slid her panties to the side, playing wit her pussy like a banjo. As I sucked her juices off of my fingers, I noticed her blushing. “You taste like candy, baby.” I complimented her as I slid her panties off before devouring her pussy like it was my last meal.

I licked and sucked before kissing her other set of lips. Slurping up her juices, I made my way back up to her clit to suck on it again. “Fuck Jaylen, don’t stop.” She moaned as she pushed my face deeper. Baby girl was trying to suffocate me.

“Arch ya back.” I got up as she looked at me confusingly, but still did as she was told. Baby girl was so fine, I wanted to eat her pussy from the back.

Becoming face to face with her pretty pink pussy, I swirled my tongue against it as she tried to run away. “Jaylen, I’m gonna cum!” She moaned loudly.

“Bring dat’ ass here.” I laughed as I pulled her by her legs. The vibrations from my mouth had her leaking. I slurped up her sweet juices before coming back up to her lips. Pressing my hard member against her, she wrapped her legs around my waist. I knew she wasn’t ready for the dick yet.

“You good?” I asked her as I hovered over her. She covered her hands over her face as she smiled.

“Oh god, I made a mess.” She said as she got up to look at the sheets where some of her juices were. Her face was covered in embarrassment.

“You good, I got it.” As I started to take the sheets off of my bed, she went to the bathroom to go clean herself up.

By now, my dick was hard as a rock and I knew she wasn’t gonna give me no pussy that easy. A nigga was not trying to get blue balls and I wasn’t about to beat my meat.

“Hey, I’m gonna go shower at home and bring a few things over here. So I should be back in like 2-3 hours.” She said as she started putting her clothes back on. Perfect.

Nodding, she jogged out my room. Looking over in the corner, I noticed her thongs on the floor. “Aye Rob!” I called out, hoping she hadn’t left yet.

“Yea?” She asked as I heard her tiny footsteps getting closer to the room. She peeked her head in the door.

“You left yo panties over der’.” I pointed to the corner as she giggled. Shaking my head, I laughed along with her. Grabbing them, she proceeded to leave again.

Sighing out of relief, I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and went straight to my messages and clicked on her number. I know if Robyn knew about this, she’d be pissed but it wasn’t like she was my girl or some shit so it shouldn’t matter.

Pushing those thoughts to the back of my head, I sent her a text.

Me:  come ride me 🤤

ole girl: 🤦🏽‍♀️ “when I want sum dick, I will call u”

Me:  stop playing

ole girl: omw

She literally lived around the corner so I knew I had enough time.

**

“Ah, fuck.” I moaned as I felt myself release inside of her. I didn’t even give a fuck if she heard me or not, that shit felt so fucking good. Before I could even move, she pushed me off of her.

“Jaylen, I know you did not just fucking nut in me.” She gritted as she looked down at her pussy.

“Huh?” Even if I wanted to pull out, I couldn’t because she had her fucking legs wrapped around my waist. Plus, she was on the pill when we was together so I assumed she still was. What was she tripping about?

“Huh?” She mocked me as she looked at me like I was crazy.

“Why you trippin’? You said you was on the pill.” She act like she couldn’t just go take a Plan B.

“Bitch I was talking about xanax.” She groaned as she started to panic.

“Chill-”

“Shut up! I swear, I’m done coming over here. You only last for 10 fucking minutes anyways.” She ranted, clearly pissed as she got her belongings.

“So what? It ain’t my fault you got good pussy.” I shrugged, realizing she tried to make me mad. I ain’t give a fuck.

“You say the dumbest shit ever.” She mugged me as dropped her stuff. She went in the bathroom to run some water and I was gonna tell her she had to go until  Rob text me.

Robyn: Jay, I’m just now getting out the shower and I’m really sleepy so I’ll just come by in the morning. k?

Me: bet. goodnight lil one

Robyn: goodnight

Chuckling at the emoji she sent, I sat my phone back on the nightstand before making my way into the bathroom.

I looked by the tub, and she wasn’t in there so I guess she was in the shower.

“Aye..” I called her as I tapped on the glass. She jumped so fast that I couldn’t help but laugh. She rolled her eyes.

“Can’t you play music in here?” She asked referring to the shower. Nodding, I grabbed the remote so I could play music from her phone.

“K thanks, bye.” She said as the music started to play. It was some R Kelly, so I had no choice but to fuck her again.

“How you gone kick me out my own bathroom. Who you think you is?” I looked at her as she scrunched up her face. I swear she acted like she was a fucking queen and like everybody should worship her.

“Me…”

“So? What that mean?” I asked as she ignored me. I took that as my chance to stare at her body.

“Let me get it from the back real quick.” I bit my lip as she shook her head no.

“Hell no, not after that shit you just pulled.”

“Pssh.” I gave her a ‘yea ok’ look. Sliding in the shower with her, I pretended to bathe so she wouldn’t say anything. Grabbing her by her waist, I started to rub my tip at her opening.

“Jaylen, I’m not pl- Fuck!” She moaned, as I rammed into her with no warning. I knew I’d have her bent over in this shower in no time.

“Yea, what’s that shit you was talkin’?” I asked smacking her ass, as I yanked a handful of hair, making her look back at me. She liked that type of shit.

I knew she was gonna fuss at me for getting her hair wet since she just got it done, but I ain’t give a fuck.

                                                      Robyn

As I was catching up on 13 reasons why, I heard a big pop go off in the kitchen. It smelled like something was burning. “What the hell you do, Robyn?!” Odell asked as he ran in the kitchen to go see what was wrong.

Huffing, I paused the TV before jogging to the kitchen. The smoke alarm started to go off. “Who forgets to put water in they noodles?” He sighed as he shook his head. I haven’t ate cup noodles in so long.I wanted to laugh, but I knew O was really mad because he hates the whole burnt smell.

“This shit ain’t funny. Knowing you, the house will probably be burnt down or shot up by next week! You need to be more responsible, damn.” He snapped as I scrunched up my face.

“Someone’s got an attitude..” I mumbled as he came from back around the corner. I didn’t feel like arguing, that would defeat the purpose of me smoking that blunt.

“Don’t nobody got no fucking attitude, I’m just tired of living with an irresponsible ass little girl. You broke my fucking trophy and you expect me not to be mad? Fuck outta here.” His 5'11 frame towered over me. I sorta kinda was being lazy to get up and throw my bottle away, so I tried to throw it in the trash can, but it ended up knocking down one of O’s trophies.

“And did I not apologize? You bringing it up 1000 times isn’t gonna bring it back O, you don’t have to rub it in my face. You act like I did it on pur-” he cut me off. I hated when people cut me off. That’s so rude.

“That’s not the fucking point! You don’t understand how much that shit meant to me! Damn I swear sometimes I wish we never ran into each other again.” He spat as it felt like my heart fell outta my chest.

“That’s how you feel?” I asked as I folded my arms over my chest. I knew I shouldn’t have moved in with him. I should’ve just got my own place like I planned on doing when I came out here for the first time.

Ignoring me, he walked off to his room before slamming the door. I can’t believe he said that. As much as I tried to hold back my tears, they didn’t hesitate to fall. God, I hated crying. Coming from Odell, that shit really stung. “Aye O, you got some rub- what’s wrong wit you?” Jaylen barged through the front door. He stopped in his tracks once he noticed me crying.

Great, now I have to hear his mouth. “Nothing Jaylen, I just wanna be alone right now.” I sighed as I jogged upstairs to my room. I guess I could finish watching Netflix since I was rudely interrupted.

Opening my laptop, I tried to turn it on but then I realized it was dead. Looking around for my charger, it was no where to be found.

“Where the hell is my laptop charger?” I asked myself as I thought about the last place I had it. I haven’t got on it recently, but I remember getting on Jaylen’s. I think I used it for his cause I remember him telling me that his broke. Sucking my teeth, I slid into my pink bunny slippers before going next door.

I didn’t bother knocking, because I knew his door was always unlocked. I don’t think he was here anyways, it was awfully quiet. Making my way to his room, I stopped once I seen him laid up with a girl while he was playing in her hair. This fucking hoe. I just wanted to throw a book at him, but he wasn’t my nigga.

“Jaylen, you seen my lap-” Before I could finish my sentence, he jumped up.

“Shit! Rob, do you fucking knock?!” He snapped as I scrunched up my face. I should be the one with an attitude, he just snatched my soul last night now he hugged up with someone else. I should’ve known.

“When do I ever knock? Just shut your stupid ass up. You mad cause you caught.” I rolled my eyes. I noticed the girl looking at me. She was gorgeous, I couldn’t even lie.

“Caught how? You ain’t my fucking girl.” He spat as my eyes widened. The audacity.. Slowly nodding, I chuckled bitterly before walking over to the nightstand. As he looked at me with a mug on his face, I swear I wanted to slap him. How dare he? He better not ever say shit to me.

Grabbing my charger, I walked out, pushing past Jaylen in the process. I couldn’t wait to tell Quavo about this bullshit. Slamming Jaylen’s door, I pulled out my phone before walking back into our living room.

I need to be sleep for my shoot tomorrow morning anyways. I don’t have time to be thinking about Jaylen.

**

“Girl, you are like a natural today!” My photographer boosted me, as everyone else agreed. I just had a lot on my mind today, so for right now this shit was a piece of cake. Modeling wasn’t something I always wanted to do. I didn’t really get interested until I was about 15.

I remember my mom would always tell me how pretty I was and how I could rock anything I wore. I didn’t have the best self-esteem, so after she continuously filled my head up with that.. I grew interested. I remember her telling me modeling was something she always wanted to do, but she ended up getting pregnant with me. Luckily, she started her own modeling agency which is one of the top agencies in the world. Wilhelmina.

Years later here I am modeling for Vogue, Balenciaga, Balmain, Puma, and etc. I just wish my mom was here to see all of this, I know she’d be proud.

 "Aaaaaaaand, that’s a wrap for today!“ He called out as everyone clapped, making me smile. The thought of going home and lying down in my bed sounded like the best thing ever right now.

Nothing was better than my bed. Saying my goodbyes to everyone, I went in one of the dressing rooms to change into some more comfortable clothes. Once I was done, I packed all of my stuff in a duffle bag and grabbed my phone to call Winter. I refused to drive the car that that hoe Jaylen bought me. He can have that shit back. I didn’t want anything to do with him. The way he tried to stunt on me like he didn’t know what I was talking about really pissed me off. Fucking coon.

“Hello?” She answered sounding like she was stuffing her mouth. I still wasn’t on talking terms with O and the only person I had left was Winter because Qua wasn’t in town.

“I’m ready now..”

“Oh girl I’m in the parking lot. I seen this seafood spot and you know my fat ass had to go in there and check it out. I been in my car eating this whole time.” Her greedy ass.. I couldn’t blame her though. Food was life.

“Okay here I come.” I hung up as I spotted her Barbie Pink Jeep from a distance.

“What you doing later?” I asked as I hopped in the car. Literally. Jeeps were hard to get in if you were short.

“Going out for drinks, I ain’t turned up in a minute.” “Girl please, you know you get like Wanda when you get drunk.” I joked in a serious matter, referring to Wonda from Holiday Heart. Whenever Winter gets drunk, it’s makes everyone wonder what the hell she was drinking or if it was even alcohol. This bitch is crazy when she’s drunk.

“I do not act like that. I’m classy.” She denied as I gave her the ‘yea ok’ look. Turning up the radio, I sat back in my sleep and drifted off to sleep.

When we got home, Jaylen was sitting on the couch writing in a notebook. Once he heard us, he looked up at me.

“Hey Robyn.” He tried to greet me as Winter and I walked through the door. Ignoring him, I went in the kitchen to get the food that I had got from Olive Garden yesterday. It was barely  any left, but I wasn’t that hungry anyways. I just thought that my nap would be much better if I ate something first.

“You ain’t hear me speak?” He asked as he stood behind me. His hot ass breath was all on my neck.

“Jaylen if I were you, I’d move. Your hot ass breath is burning my neck.” I warned him because I honestly wanted to just punch him in the face one good time. I’ve been wanting to for the longest. I don’t understand why he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he did. To top everything off, he didn’t even apologize..

“Why you acting like this?“ 

“BECAUSE OF YOU! HOW DO YOU GIVE ME HEAD AND THEN GO LAY UP WITH ANOTHER BITCH NOT EVEN A FEW HOURS LATER! THEN YOU HAD THE NERVE TO STUNT ON ME? Fuck you Jaylen, you don’t deserve me at all. Not even as a friend.” I yelled as he looked down at the floor. He didn’t have shit to say. It’s not even just about the head part either. He was spending all this time with me, flirting and shit when he already had someone all along. So I feel played.

“I don’t even see why you trippin’ though.. like you act like I cheated on you some shit. I’m single, I can do what I want.” He stated, causing me to chuckle bitterly. Without thinking, I slapped the dog shit out of him.

“That’s what you get, ugly ass.” I heard Winter laugh from the living room. “Bit-” He cut his sentence short, because he knows I’d beat his ass again if he would’ve let that word slip. Looking at me one last time, he touched his face again before leaving.

I should’ve known he wasn’t shit from the first time we met. I’m about to start looking for somewhere else to stay right now. I can’t stand to stay here any longer.

**

Making a quick trip to Walmart, I went in to grab a few things I could eat as a snack once I found another hotel to stay at.  "Yo,“ I heard a male voice behind me. Turning around to face him, I noticed that he was a cutie.

"Yea?”

“Ion’ know how to say this but.. you got a big ass pool of blood on the back of ya pants. You good?” He stated as my heart sunk. The feeling of embarrassment took over my body.

Not knowing what to say, I just grabbed my basket and power walked away to my car.

“Yo, chill! It’s fine, you can use my jacket!” He called out before catching up to me. Hesitating at first, I wasted no time in tying his jacket around my waist.

“You drove?” He asked as he looked down at me trying to tie the jacket around my waist. I feel really bad because now he’s gonna have blood on his jacket. I mean yea, I can always wash it out but still.

“Caught an Uber.”

“Well.. you safe wit me, I promise.” He assured. Well, it was just as if I was taking an Uber because he was a stranger also so I guess it wouldn’t hurt if he drove me home. Plus it was free.

“Thank you so much, really. I can buy you another ja-”

“Nah, its cool. I’m glad that I could help. You sure you good though? That was a lot of uh.. blood.” He said as we walked over to his car. Opening up the door for me, he watched me get in before closing it. What a gentleman. Nice to know that chivalry still exists.

“Yea its normal.. unfortunately.” “Damn.. this why I got mad respect for women. I know it gotta be hard being one. I grew up in a household full of em’.”

“We need more men like you then, cause niggas be quick to be disrespectful as hell to us.” I shook my head as he laughed.

“What’s ya name?” He asked as he started up the car, handing me his phone to type my address in.

“Robyn, you?” I smiled as I handed him his phone back.

“Kai.” He smiled back, dimples deepening and all.

“Where are you from?” I just had to ask, because I could hear some New York in the way he talks. I grew up here for a few years so I know.

“You trying to be funny?” He rose an eyebrow as he looked over at me. “Not at all..”

“Brooklyn..” he stated as I nodded. I knew it.

“Well we here now..” he said as his car came to a stop. I didn’t even want to get out because the seats were so comfortable. I wonder what he does to have a car like this..

“I don’t even wanna go home..” I sighed, making him laugh. His laugh was actually cute. He’s the first guy I know that doesn’t have that Windex bottle laugh.

“I would say you could come to ma crib, but you don’t know me like that and I don’t know if you’d be comfortable or not.” He explained as I shrugged. Any where was better than being in a place with Odell.

“I’ll stay for a little while, but you mind taking me back home?” I asked as he shrugged. I needed to go buy my own car ASAP. I hated depending on people.

“That’s cool..”

“Well, I wanna atleast shower first so you wanna come in?”

“Uh.. yea.” He said as he turned his car off. Getting out, I led the way up to the elevator.

“I ain’t getting on that shit, a nigga will take the stairs.” He backed away as I furrowed my eyebrows. This nigga was like 6'5, don’t tell me he’s scared of elevators. We’re too old for that.

“Why not?”

“Girl you ain’t seen that movie called Devil? Fuck that.” A loud laugh immediately escaped my lips.

“Really? It was just a movie, it isn’t real.” “Nah, ion’ care I’m still taking the stairs. I’ll meet you or some shit.” I rolled my eyes and went towards the stairs with himZ

“And you call yourself a thug, huh?” I laughed as I shook my head.

“So I can’t be scared of dying in a elevator? I ain’t tryna go out like dat. I could atleast get shot or sum, but elevator? Nah B.” The fact that he was dead serious was funny.

“You are a mess.” As I reached the last stair, I dramatically sighted because I was really tired. I go up these things sometimes, so I don’t understand how I don’t have a fat ass yet.

“You’re not tired?”

“Nah, this ain’t shit. Try running’ track and playing ball all ya life.”

“You play sports?” He seemed like a pretty boy that just liked the sport, but didn’t play it.

“Not anymore.. You don’t notice this limp in my walk? I had broke my leg and ever since then a nigga been scared to get back on the court/track. It ain’t gone be the same.” He explained as I studied his legs. He walked with a little dab of a limp, but you couldn’t really tell unless he pointed it out.

“You can’t give up that easily..” I told him as I stopped in front of the door so I could unlock it.

“This all you?” He asked as he walked further into the condo. I hope Nut 1 and Nut 2 weren’t here. I knew they would give him a hard time.

“No, my brother lives here.” I rolled my eyes as I sat my purse on the counter. Going up the stairs, I stopped once I realized he was still looking at everything in the living room. “You coming?”

“Oh yea.” He chuckled as he trailed behind me. Opening up the door to my room, smiled because it was just the way I left it.

“Damn yo room look like some sex would be bomb in here.” He said as he sat on my bed. Waving him off, I looked in my drawers to grab a new pair of underwear and some clothes to change in.

“You need me to run you some bath water?” He asked as he kicked his shoes off. I see he gets comfortable easily.

“Aww you’re so sweet, but no thanks. I already asked my brother girlfriend to run it.” I had text Winter while I was in the car.

Sneaking off into the bathroom, I lit a candle before throwing my clothes in the hamper. I need to throw them in the washer when I get out. I needed a blunt so bad, and I didn’t know if he like the smell of weed or not so I was gonna do it in here while I was in the tub.

As I stepped foot in the tub, my body immediately relaxed due to the hot and soothing water. I really needed this. “Yo, you loud then a bitch.” I heard Kai’s voice as I started coughing up a storm. I don’t know why my dumbass thought he wasn’t gonna be able to smell it.

“Kai!” I called out as he peeked his head in the bathroom a few seconds later. Luckily, my tits were small as shit so the bubbles were covering everything up.

“Wanna hit?” I asked with a smile on my face. He sat on top of the toilet and took the blunt from my hands. As soon as he inhaled it, his lungs gave up on him.

“Damn girl, fuck is this?” He coughed loudly as I busted out laughing. I honestly didn’t even know what it was, but this shit was good as hell. It was some weed Jaylen  gave me a few days ago.

“That good shit.” I said lowly with my eyes closed.

“Do you even smoke?” I asked as I opened one eye. He damn near lost his life when he took that first puff, so I knew he didn’t smoke on the regular. That’s cute though.

“Occasionally..” he replied as I nodded. I could relate. I wasn’t a stoner, but I had my days where I needed to smoke and lately I’ve been needing to.

“Here, you can have the rest I’m gonna finish bathing.” I told him as I handed the blunt back to him. Taking it, he got up and went back in my room so I could bathe.

After lying in the tub, I let all of the water out and went over to the shower. I showered for atleast 30 minutes, before getting out. Rubbing my body down with Shea Butter, I started to put on my clothes.

When I opened the door, I noticed Kai sprawled out across my bed. He looked like he was sleeping. “Kai? Are you dead?” I asked as I poked him.

“Nah,” He paused before laughing.

“A nigga just thinking.”

“Oh well.. I’m ready to go.”

“Aight let me find my phone.” He said as he turned the flashlight from his phone on to look under my bed. He was high as shit.

“Kai.. it’s in your hand.” I palmed myself as he looked at me before looking at his hand. He busted out laughing before grabbing his keys.

“Oh shit, I didn’t even see it.” Closing the door behind us, we made our way outside to his car. Opening the door for me, I got in as he closed it afterwards. Once he was in, he started the car and pulled off before turning his radio up. He was blasting MoneyBagg Yo.

Bobbing my head to the music, I looked at all the surroundings as I waited for him to reach his house. After what seemed like forever, we pulled up to this gigantic house. I know he doesn’t live here by himself..

“Kai! What do you do?” I exclaimed as I got out of the car and ran to the door like an kid in a candy store. I don’t know how he stays in this big house by himself. You could easily get lost in here, that’s how big it is.

“Don’t like to brag.. but ya boy got money.”  He smirked as he took his keys out to unlock the door.

“How? Can’t be drug money, cause you seem like a good boy.” I said as he stepped aside to let me go in first. It looked even better on the inside.

“Girl at all, and I own 10 different barber shops all across the U.S.” He said as he rubbed his hands like Birdman.

“Seriously?” That was fucking dope.

“Deadass.” He states causing me to chuckle. Admiring his house, I started to look at some of the pictures that was on the wall. I noticed that there was a little girl in almost every picture. His daughter?

“Who’s this?”

“My beautiful baby girl…” He said with a smile on his face. I was going to ask where was she, but he beat me to it.

“She uh… died a few years ago.” He said as he stared at the biggest picture of them two above the couch. It was honestly beautiful. She was the splitting image of him.

“Wow, I’m sorry.” I frowned. I didn’t want to ask him how, because I felt as if that was too personal or maybe he didn’t want to talk about it. Who would?

“Yea, you thirsty though?”

“Yes, do you have any Tea?” He nodded as I followed him into the kitchen. His whole crib was nice. I’d love to have a place like this.

“I love these!” I yelled excitedly as I seen the chili lime pistachios in a bowl on the table.

“Everybody does, that’s why I keep them there.”

“Here, we finna go in my room.��� He said as he handed me my cup of tea and led me to a corner where his room was. I wonder what was upstairs then.

“Your room is even better!” I gasped as I stood at the door in shock. His room was so interesting and cozy looking. I loved dark areas.

“It’s ight.. wanna watch a movie or some shit?” He asked as he went up the stairs to get to his bed.

“Let’s watch Baby Boy.” I suggested as he looked at me before laughing. I know that movie comes on BET 24/7 but I was just in the mood to watch it.

Kicking off my slides, it was indeed cold in here so I’m glad I had some socks and a big hoodie on. Climbing in the bed, I watched him as he looked through a collection of movies.

Once he found what he was looking for, he put it in before cutting the lights off and getting in the bed. “Your bed is so comfortable.” I said as I closed my eyes and laid back on the pillows.

“Watch this.” A few seconds later the bed felt like a vibrating chair causing me to moan lowly. I needed this bed. Now.

“Kai, I would kill for this bed.” Since I was in heaven right now, I started to drift of to sleep before the movie even started. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t mind. He knew what he was doing when he cut the vibrating thing on.

“Lil mama..” I heard Kai’s voice in my ear as he shook me.

Groaning, I turned the other way so he could leave me alone. His bed was so comfortable and I wasn’t getting up for nothing. “I thought you wanted me to take you home.”

“No I wanna stay..” I mumbled.

“Well shit don’t be trying to wake a nigga up in the A.M. then, cause I’m telling you once I’m sleep it’s like I’m dead.” He said as he turned the TV off. Good, because I hated sleeping with the TV on unless I was home alone. I felt the bed get lighter, so I’m guess he got up but I didn’t care.

“Ima be in the guest room. You can sleep in here.” I heard him say.

I was too tired to say anything back. I’ll just call an Uber in the morning.                                                     

[savetheking1997-blog]

Imma post it here because nobody gon’ read it but I can let out all my thoughts im having all day 😩

I met this girl long time ago through this App ( whisper 😎❤

So we started talkin’ and we was on the same level from beginning we was vibin n everything! I just came back from Spain n I was just bored, looking for somebody to chat with. Well we started exchaning our numbers n started chatting everyday, she let me feel like smth I never felt before 😩😩😩💃🏽

So one day I asked her for her tumblr ( I had a different account and I was pretty active here ) so she didn’t want to first but then she said I shouldn’t judge her if she shows me I was like “ come on girl I would never ever judge you. ” n then I saw it. Her blog. Depression. Being suicidal. I was touched but I didn’t want to let her feel uncomfortable so I carefully talked to her. After I saw all this on her page I just wanted her more! I wanted to be the reason she could smile. So we started talking more. I never met a person which was depressed or suicidal. I never felt like this or smth. But now I do. And now I know how she felt. So we talked talked talked.

Every message was a highlight. I was waiting for a message every minute. I wondered where she was what she did or if shes feeling good 🌊

Soooooo then the day came we met. bruh it was the best DAY (evening) IN MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE. You know that moment you met a person and you just could vibe out together so good? No awkward moments only good vibes? I had that. At the first meeting 😩😩😩🌊

So we walked around the city I showed her things we talked about our texting about life about her about every fucking thang😍 But I also saw how scared she was when we came to my home and hanged out in my room. She felt very very uncomfortable because of her past so I told her she could use my room my bed everything I will leave and I won’t come to near. So I wen’t on the sofa sleeping.

YO SHE WOKE ME UP WITH THAT CUTE ASS SMILEY FACE AND IT WAS PROBBALY THE BEST MORNING EVER.😂😂😩

We talked n I walked her to her train. Goodbye😩❤

Even if I fucked it up some months afterwards ( trusted the wrong people, wrong actions, being blinded ) I still miss you. I still love you. I still pray everyday that you’re doing fine. I still think about you what you’re doing. I hope you met new people. Better people than me. I hope you’re doing better..

I even started stalking her on social media but I stopped i felt like a creep 😂 but I just wanted to make sure shes alright. Im fighting my depression right now and thinking about you gives me hope and strength.

I LOVE YOU.

( so nobody gon’ read this so I dont care about all the spelling mistake, and keeping the whole story so short im just depressed as fuck and it helped somehow. thanks tumblr 😂😂😩❤ )