#but I'm... very confused and concerned

[voids-ideas]

Sorry, I must have a curse

Two fandoms, I have participated in TWO FANDOMS VERY ACTIVELY

AND THEY BOTH END WITH SOMETHING LIKE THIS?!?

If I had a nickel for every time the author of the fandom I decided to be part of turned out to have some very questionable visions, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice

AND I HAVE ONLY BEEN PART OF TWO FANDOMS

[sprout-fics]

Suicide mention tw

Yesterday was my survivor anniversary. This time last year I drove up into the mountains, took a long hike, and tried to kill myself. I didn't want to die so much as I couldn't stand living any longer. I had been so full of sadness and stress and dark emotions that I couldn't bear it for another day.

I had convinced myself I was a terrible, awful, rotten person to the core and that I didn't deserve to be here. I convinced myself over the course of months that I didn't deserve friends or loved ones, that the world would be a better place without me- that I'd be sparing the people I cared about by leaving them rather than have them deal with me.

The only thing that saved me was that in my haste to leave that day, I had grabbed the wrong medication I intended to OD with. So instead, I lay down for a bit, sat and stared into the woods, and thought about what it would mean to be happy.

Somehow, I'm still here.

It's been a rough year. I've struggled with my mental health, with finances, with employment and relationships, with family and with myself. It's taken so much effort to get to where I am, and even then I feel like some days it doesn't account for much. I'm still living with my parents, my finances are still in rough shape with my student debt, I've yet to get my first paycheck, and I've lost some very dear and cherished friendships in the past year.

But in the course of all of that, I've also done some pretty amazing stuff. I got my masters degree in Foreign Policy, I got a job offer that pays decently within my field, my position comes with training that will be invaluable to my career, I got surgery for my endometriosis which has resulted in a massive improvement of my chronic pain, and I managed to get a car with the help of family. I've paid off my credit debt in part thanks to commissions from some of my followers, and I've made new friends who I adore talking to. More than that I've learned a lot about myself in the past year.

I'm happier than I was before. I don't cry as much. I've worked to understand the reasons behind some of my behaviors and I have worked to address them in therapy so I can handle my emotions better. I listen better when people tell me things I need to hear, and I try to manage my self reflection with serenity instead of the spiral of self doubt. I've gotten a bit better at recognizing when I'm burnt out, and recognizing people I do and don't want in my life. I've learned to care about myself like I would care for a friend.

Yesterday I spent time laughing with friends, singing at the top of my lungs to my favorite songs in the car, and talking about all the things I want to write in the future- because I have a future. I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but at some point in the past year I looked up, and I realized I wasn't so sad anymore.

All of this to say- here's to another year, and a year after that, and many many more to come.

[ducktracy]

there is truly a Daffy for every occasion. i've been obsessing over Oklahoma! for the past week and wouldn't you know it, the duck already beat me to the punch. but technically i beat me to the duck beating me to the punch since i was the one who saved this panel months ago with the caption of "Daffy is a fan of Rodgers and Hammerstein's Oklahoma". turns out it is i who is a fan of Rodgers and Hammerstein's Oklahoma. i am a fan of Daffy as fan of Rodgers and Hammerstein's Oklahoma

i am also a fan of this. and i hope you are too.

[tonydaddingham]

the thing that is actually making me giddy with the possible angst is that i really think that we are about to see the most monumental shift in not only how we saw these characters but also how they previously saw each other.

the fact that we literally now have confirmation that a) they knew each other before the fall, b) aziraphale has had heart eyes since before time began, and c) crowley... possibly not so much, completely changes the context on not just the eden scene but also all the historic scenes that followed.

aziraphale knew crowley as an angel, and knew even then when crowley was meant to be 'perfect' that crowley was maybe a bit different, always asking questions and toeing the line. maybe out of a bit of bastardy himself, or out of begrudging awe of his ability but also his audacity, or just plain attraction, aziraphale immediate takes to him. but this has meant that aziraphale has placed crowley, perhaps unconsciously, upon a pedestal. and the pedestal that aziraphale puts crowley on from that moment may have wobbled throughout their history together, but it's stayed relatively intact.

this worries me, that aziraphale may not have quite let go of the fact that crowley just isn't that person any more, maybe never was to begin with, and continues in some measure to idolise him. my interpretation of this is that yes, crowley can be a bit of a dick (because, well, obviously) and aziraphale knows this, has done since the beginning, but aziraphale continues to hold crowley to an overall moral ideal that is so firmly ensconced in aziraphale's first perception of him as an angel that crowley will never be able to live up to it. not because he isn't a nice person, or because he can't live up to it, but maybe... he just simply doesn't want to.

but the issue is that throughout the ages (including the job minisode which ive had corrected for me, so Crowley Anger is now simply simmering), crowley's actions have only reinforced to aziraphale that despite being technically a demon, he has a huge heart and is not a horrible person. bit of a bastard, but not cruel. all of this just feeds and feeds into this image of crowley that aziraphale has built of him, and when crowley has his flashes of, in fact, not being honourable or kind, this threatens to upset the pedestal altogether.

these wobbly moments - when he thinks crowley is going to kill the children, when crowley snaps at him in rome, when crowley first proposes the arrangement, the prospect that he came up with the french revolt, the holy water request, the bandstand, "how can someone as clever as you be so stupid?"... moments where just for a second, in a small or huge measure, aziraphale's faith in crowley... flickers.

and of course aziraphale has been here before, right? he's had his faith, his devotion, his loyalty tested to the absolute limit of angelic endurance. so when his faith in heaven (never lost it in god) was obliterated, well - it had to cling to something. something that wouldnt mean that aziraphale has to lose the concept of faith altogether. so we're back to the old standby of idolatry, that aziraphale's heavenly faith is replaced by his faith in crowley, this angel that despite never originally giving aziraphale the time of day, aziraphale cannot see - for all of crowley's faults and bastardy and the frustration he poses - crowley as anything less than something to be worshipped.

this is exactly why i think that one of the main points of s2 is going to be a rift between them both. obviously i haven't talked about crowley's perspective of this and maybe i will in another post, but i do think that crowley is going to do something, a bad thing for the right reasons, but aziraphale isn't going to see it like that. that crowley will do something awful to protect aziraphale, but all aziraphale will be able to see is the betrayal or the cruelty or the despair, he can't see wood for the trees, and just lose that last vestige of faith he had altogether.

i feel like once all the disillusion and disenchantment has been swept away, and they're both laid bare at each other's feet... that they may not quite like what they find. from aziraphale's perspective, that whatever crowley does in s2 might be crossing aziraphale's line in the sand, and now aziraphale is starting to see crowley as someone that is truly grey, fluctuating between doing things that are Good, and things that are Good for Crowley.

and it's not as if aziraphale was blind to this before, but instead now... he kind of finally sees who crowley is? who he has been all along? the film has lifted from his eyes. realises that love and worship are not the same thing. what he loves, who he loves, doesn't equate to worshipping it/them, idolising them. there's a very big difference that echoes down to the very core tenet of who aziraphale is and his experiences with having and losing faith, but love having remained.

so stripped of the pedestal, crowley is now just simply... crowley. a person, not an angel, not a demon. and there is the distinct possibility that aziraphale might be completely blindsided by what he finds.

[kaicko]

Thinking about Ichigo doing an exchange program in London during college

[neverendingford]

.

[monstermoviedean]

i've been dreading this friday afternoon budget meeting all week and telling myself "you just have to get through this and then you're in the clear." and it was predictably miserable until 4 minutes before the end when someone pointed out that we only had 4 minutes left and we hadn't even talked about the thing we needed to talk about. and then we had to schedule another meeting 😭😭😭😭

[dolokhoded]

simon peter is the funniest apostle to work with because in theory he's the most loyal, most by-the-book of the apostles so you'd expect him to be the most logical and collected one but 80% of his concerns (pre crucifixion then everything went downhill and they all died) are that he has a crush on every person he encounters

[cassmouse]

WHY IS EVERYONE REACTING SO BADLY TO ME TELLING THEM I WANT TO WATCH HOUSE OF THE DRAGON IM LITERALLY JUST HERE FOR MILLY ALCOCK AND POSSIBLE LESBIANS WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH IT

[thethingything]

also shoutout to the hospital for sending us a bunch of PDFs with information about preparing for surgery and what to expect, except the information was all generic stuff where most of it does't actually apply to wisdom tooth removal, so I had a huge panic attack where I nearly threw up because a bunch of the stuff mentioned in there is extremely triggering for us, only to then find out that stuff literally doesn't apply anyway, but now I feel like I have even less of an idea of what to actually expect because it's so hard to figure out which information does apply

[stairset]

I realize this could get me crucified in certain circles but as good as Andor was I really do think its fans can be truly insufferable.

[clownov]

peculiar gender euphoria moment: scan just showed my ovaries are enlarged which means i literally have massive balls (internally) 😎😎😎👍😎👍😎😎👍😎

[palsklingar]

I got these replies to a photo of Idun last night/this morning and now this has just been rattling around my anxious brain all day. The thing is, I know this is just a Tumblr user doing what Tumblr users do (being needlessly confrontational about things they have no real understanding of)... I know I shouldn’t let it get to me, because I know it isn’t true. My bunnies aren’t unhappy, and I’m not violating their rights in any way. I’m doing everything in my power to make sure they lead happy little bunny lives. But somehow I still can’t shake this insinuation that I’m mistreating them. I’m in therapy for anxiety, and so much of my anxiety is connected to my pets, because I’m just constantly scared that something’s gonna happen to them. So I guess that’s why this just hits me so hard.

I guess I just needed to rant a little, because I’m trying to shake this horrible anxiety I’ve felt about this all day... :(

[puppys-rhythm-heaven]

why is texas a thing in rhythm heaven-

[cripplemagics]

potential squicks: talk of mental health, discussion of my OSDD and my head mates, me trying to figure out how i wanna discuss this part of my health at all.

i have no desire to be here. or rather, i have the desire to be here but when i try to be there's strong protest from the rest of the system. writing is a hobby i do not share with any of them. Art i share with one, then i know nothing else about the rest of them. We don't talk unless its necessary. Or that's how it used to be until last week. i'm aware i'm not fully me. this goes beyond 'i'm a young adult and adulting is so new and weird' and into something indescribable. What a weird fucking experience.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

sick of clones who are "fake" or "evil" or "imposters." clones exist in real life and are simply unusually genetically identical to their parent/genetic donor. here is the evil clone you are looking for:

"clones" identical twins? you are describing identical twins with a birth delay