#but all they knew was I experience hallucinations so to them the obvious conclusion was schizophrenia I guess???

[spookymakosharkskizzers]

It’s so strange to me when peoples first reaction to hearing you hallucinate is “gosh that must be so scary”. I wish I could articulate right now exactly what it is that reaction makes me feel but all I I’ve got right now is it’s strange.

[paradoxcase]

Chapter 48 of Harrow the Ninth

Ahh, I've missed Gideon POV

At first I thought that the double douchebag comment was about Lyctorhood in general, but then I remembered that Gideon was totally 100% for getting eaten by Harrow. I guess Ianthe is just a double douchebag because Gideon considered both Ianthe and Naberius douchebags, so now they are a double douchebag

Oh Gideon, wanting to kick Crux down the stairs 100% makes you awesome

(Actually, reading it again, I'm not sure if she means "fantasizing about kicking Crux down the stairs doesn't reflect well on me because kicking people down the stairs is bad" or if she means "the fact that I never kicked Crux down the stairs doesn't reflect well on me because I never did it")

But don't worry, Harrow thinks you're great regardless

So like, to what exact degree have the second-person parts of this book actually been through Gideon's perceptions? Or are they Gideon's experience filtered through Harrow's perceptions? Like, if Harrow hallucinated something that was not there, would Gideon have seen and reported it? Earlier Gideon said that she couldn't actually see out of Harrow's eyes during that part, so maybe she was just getting second-hand information from what Harrow saw, or thought she saw, and reporting on it? If seeing Cytherea's body was a hallucination, it does make sense that Gideon wouldn't question it, since she's not used to questioning the things she sees. But, maybe Gideon was actually perceiving stuff herself, somehow, and everything that Harrow reported actually happened, including Cytherea's body under the bed, and Ianthe telling her that stuff didn't happen was just gaslighting? Now I'm not sure anymore

I love everything about this

Oh god, this isn't just a tumblr meme, it's actually a quote from the book

So Mercy ducked out to go kill Harrow, and just never came back, and Harrow left for obvious reasons, and then Augustine left for currently unknown reasons, and then Ianthe abandoned Gideon the First because she's just like that. I hope Gideon the First doesn't die because of this, I've sort of settled on him being maybe the only good Lyctor at this point

So he also came to whatever conclusion Mercy came to based on Gideon's eyes, in a lot less time, and it has something to do with John, and he's also had some thought about Mercy, so maybe he knew she was ducking out to go kill Harrow. Ok. I still don't know what the significance of this is. You know, it is kind of funny how much of this plot is hinging on people's eye colors, because I can't actually tell people's eye color in real life, like I feel at this point that Gideon's eyes must be like broadcasting the bat signal or something for everyone to be reacting to them this quickly. Like, I can see if eyes are light or dark, but are the light eyes blue, or grey, or green? I have zero idea. I don't think I could actually tell unless I went up to someone and stared at them from three inches away, or something. And while I was googling for pictures of what amber eyes actually look like in reality, I remembered that I don't even really know my own eye color, either. I was always told it was hazel, and that's what it says on my driver's license, but then when I joined the Sims 2 fandom like 15 years ago and downloaded some custom hazel eyes thinking I was going to go make some sims with my eye color, those eyes were a completely different color than my eyes, and I learned that by "hazel" people usually mean the kind of eyes that are like partially brown and partially green, whereas my eyes are definitely a single solid color all the way through and if I actually look at the wikipedia page on eye color, they do look most similar to the picture for the amber eyes. But then wikipedia also says this:

which is a pretty good description of my eye color, and I think also a good description of the picture on the wikipedia page for amber eyes. So I've got no idea, honestly. By the way, I can't find any other source online for this statement about hazel sometimes meaning hazelnut-colored, every site I can find seems to use the brown-mixed-with-green definition. The four sources in that image are not about language use with respect to eye color descriptions, or about eye color genetics, they're just miscellaneous eye studies in which eye color was a variable and all four of them divide all possible human eye colors into one of three categories: blue/grey, green/hazel, and brown. I can't read the full articles, but for all I know these references are just meant to mean "some scientists classify eye color this way for simplicity's sake". There's one person on the talk page of the wikipedia article claiming that the definition of hazel = hazelnut-colored is the main one and the brown + green definition is specious, but they seem to be contradicted by the entire internet. So what is hazel? What is amber? What are Gideon's eyes supposed to look like? What color are my eyes? I don't know. I don't know the answers to any of those questions

I am living for the Ianthe/Gideon banter

I appreciate Gideon for this more detailed description of the Cyrus and Valancy nude art that Harrow could not bring herself to give us

Did Gideon get "so many" letters from Harrow? The only ones I remember from Gideon the Ninth were the various snippy notes that Harrow left her after she went to go adventuring in the facility, and after the siphoning challenge, but I'm not sure that qualifies as "so many". Did Harrow write letters to Gideon before they came to Canaan House?

I have to wonder under what circumstances Harrow thought Ianthe might run into Gideon that she gave her this letter. Did she expect this exact thing to happen? I got the feeling at the beginning that she had some other ultimate plan in mind for Gideon besides her sharing Harrow's body. Also, didn't Harrow work very very hard to not achieve One Flesh One End with Gideon?

And of course, the sunglasses will hide Gideon's eyes, for when she goes to talk to John. I would have thought this was part of Harrow's plan, except I'm also like 100% sure that Harrow also has no more idea about what Gideon's eye color means than Ianthe does

No comment

Gideon just cannot resist the that's what she said joke even while clearly having some Big Feelings

I feel like Ianthe thinks she's in a completely different genre of book. She wants to be this clever, aristocratic lady in a fantasy of manners that's full of intrigue and backstabbing and then she falls in love with some dude (or some woman, maybe) and has to keep that from unraveling all of her plans, but instead she's in this gross body horror story where love isn't keeping a lock of someone's hair, it's giving yourself DIY brain surgery in order to prevent the destruction of their immortal soul after they died. I think she does know why Harrow did what she did, though, I think she said so herself in that one chapter we got that was from her POV. She's just trying to stir shit here. But more fool her, I'm pretty sure Gideon already thinks that Harrow removed her memories of her because she hated her, I don't think there's any way that Ianthe could hurt Gideon here that Gideon hasn't already done to herself

I feel like Harrow and Gideon came away with very different impressions of what exactly went down during the Pool Scene

I'm still not entirely sure how right Gideon is about this and how much of it really was just Ianthe trying to use Harrow. And I think it's hilarious that she immediately comes back to "she was a hypocrite for getting upset about the necrophilia"

Is there going to be any love confession in this story that is not completely fucked up?

This is obviously supposed to be some sort of joke, and it was mentioned repeatedly in that "what's the worst joke" poll, but I don't get it at all

[yezielmoore]

25. Free Day: Storm (pt.6)

Me: what should we write today? Eureka AU, cocking a gun. Me, sweating: Oh! I know!

Okay, but like half of this was me just asking myself things like: ok, but how the fuck didn't they, like, suffocate in the first place? It's not like they had an atmosphere in the AS... wait! how would weather even work then??! And so the rest of it was me throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks, lmao.

.-,-.

"If you had told me a week ago that I'd miss the Aetherial Sea I'd have asked if Eilis had scratched you again and if you were hallucinating," Athene hissed as she applied a thick layer of cream to the parts of her skin that weren't covered in either feathers nor scales.

She was in the sleeping area, stripped down to her underwear as she struggled to reach all parts of her skin that had been rubbed raw by an unexpected shift in the weather earlier today.

Vyncent, who had been resting a twisted ankle on his cot, looked up from his book with a frown, slightly offended that the mortifying event was being brought up again. 

"That was one time," he protested.

Athene untwisted from her attempts to reach her back to throw him a look. If he thought any of them were about to forget how his experiment had gone, well… 

"So?" 

Vyncent huffed in annoyance, but he put his book down and got to his feet. Athene almost protested instinctively, but bit her tongue at the last moment. His ankle was healed enough that rest was only a recommendation more than an order and she did need the help. 

“Let me do that,” he offered, hand extended. Athene deposited the jar of salve on his palm and turned her back to him. She could feel the calculating look of appraisal he gave the burns in her back. “What was it this time? Snowstorm?”

Another hiss escaped her lips as the cream touched her skin, bringing with it the familiar sting followed by a soothing warmth. 

“Yeah. And after a firestorm too.” 

For obvious reasons, firestorms weren’t a problem for her. While everybody else had to take a great deal of precautions if they planned to go out during one, Athene could simply walk into it and all she would feel was, well, warm. 

The same could not be said of the thunderstorms, windstorms or, gods forbid, snowstorms. Any one of those would be annoying to deal with in normal circumstances, nevermind the way they shuffled unpredictably here, like a drunk trying to ride a chocobo. To make matters worse, they weren’t dealing with normal storms, oh no. They had to deal with aetherically charged storms, because the Isle of Val extended stay in the Aetherial Sea had fucked it up almost beyond recognition, something they were painfully aware of. 

Despite all that, none of them had considered the weather. They had, in all honesty, completely forgotten about the concept of weather, what with having none for a whole year. 

None of them had wanted to look too closely at the reality that they had been floating in a river of aether (The River, caps included), that they had had no atmosphere and should have rightfully suffocated within seconds of arriving there. Everything was aether at its most basic level, so it made a certain amount of sense that pure aether could sustain life. Right?

(Except that human bodies were also 60% water and that didn’t mean you could throw yourself into a river and not drown). 

In the end it came down to Will and Memory. 

Will and Memory and the inexplicable barrier that prevented the tides of the Lifestream from overpowering their fragile minds and washing them away. That had been their conclusion when nothing else made sense. They breathed because that’s what living bodies did. They had air because they needed it. Was that enough to keep a whole island in one piece? None of them had dared to answer that question. They already knew.

No, something else kept the island in one piece. Something Athene suspected had been locked away in the Baldesion Arsenal for a long time. The fact that they had benefited from it and somehow survived was just… a side effect. A happy coincidence for them, but probably not something that whatever thing or being had considered at all.

“Done.” Vyncent screwed back the lid on the jar, his voice bringing Athene back from her memories and the pile of questions none of them had conclusive answers for. “You could’ve healed yourself, you know?” He pointed out blandly, not in accusation but as an observation.

Athene shrugged. She pulled up her shorts and grabbed a clean shirt to cover herself with.

“It’ll heal on its own in a few hours, why bother?” 

One of the best things her mutations had given her was an outstanding healing rate. Things that would’ve needed medicine and weeks to heal now took, at most, a couple of days of rest. She could accelerate things further with spells, but it took only one time of being out of mana in an urgent situation for her to learn that it was better to bear a little pain and discomfort than need magic and not have it because she had spent it healing scrapes. 

Vyncent nodded in acceptance and walked back to his cot. He picked up his book, but didn’t open it, just turned it around in his hands. 

“Is it really that bad out there?” 

Whether it was luck finally smiling on them or something else, the weather in this part of Val wasn’t as extreme as she knew it could get. It could and did change unexpectedly, but it had nothing on the extremes she had experienced since she started exploring the rest of the island, now that they had access to it. 

“The monsters are weaker, if not less territorial and aggressive.” That discovery had been a huge relief. Even if they did attack on sight or at the slightest movement, so far she hadn’t come across anything she couldn’t outrun or defeat. “But the weather? I have never seen anything this unpredictable or violent.” She rolled her eyes and plopped down on a chair, arms crossed over the backrest. “Of course, it doesn’t help that the place turned into a tundra when we weren’t looking. I’m not made for ice anymore!” Athene complained with a whine. 

She had never been made for ice. Ice and snow were miserable conditions to be exposed to, and yes, she had lived on Old Sharlayan most of her life and she still absolutely loathed snow. And no, the person that could convince her otherwise didn’t exist.

Vyncent didn’t react beyond a light hum, gaze lost somewhere in the distance. Athene left him to his thoughts. Instead she started straightening the little feather on her forearms, slowly working her way up to her shoulders and cursing up a storm whenever she had to pluck a broken one. Damn blizzards. 

“What do you think it’ll be like? Back home.”

“I don’t know,” she said after a too long pause. 

Athene had… doubts, about how well received they would be once they finally found a way out. She had tried not to dwell on it overmuch, but on the long stretches of time she spent on her own, her brain naturally brought up all the questions she had no answers for and all the doubts she had no way to assuage. 

She wanted to believe that they would be accepted back and treated well. That they would receive the help they needed. But, for all that she had grown up pretty sheltered in Sharlayan, Athene wasn’t so naive as to believe the world was fair. As much as some people admired the things the Echo allowed her to know, just as many people hated it and avoided her because of it. People didn’t like that which was different. It was a lesson she learned early on. And looking at them now…

What were they if not egregiously different?

[nevertheless-moving]

Suicidal Misunderstanding X

Star Wars Time Travel AU #27

Part I - - - - - Part II - - - - - Part III - - - - - Part IV - - - - - Part V - - -  - - Part VI - - - - - Part VII - - - - - Part VIII - - - - - Part IX

“I realize this is incredibly difficult,” the Nautolan Soul Healer said calmly. “But in order for us to help Obi-Wan, we need to determine the cause of his current disconnection with reality. Based on the drug panel, and convenient surveillance, we have, to the best of our ability, ruled out temporary psychosis brought on by a drug interaction.”

Cody stiffened further, not sure how to react to anything anymore. When a brother tried to end his own life, it was usually obvious why.

Sife Aerdo continued on. “There have, of course, been cases of Jedi Seers giveing into their fears of the future, or losing their sense of reality, but every case study involving such an extreme reaction was the result a gradual degradation over the course of many years. Nevertheless, it seems clear that Obi-Wan experienced a vision, and it may have impacted his breakdown to some extent. The more we know, the more successful any attempts to convince him of reality will be.”

Bant furrowed her brow in thought, trying to replay three decades of increasingly vague discussions of nightmares.

”Considering the high profile nature of his position, we cannot rule out some kind of psychological attack, perhaps even a darksider incursion.

Anakin leaned forward intently, the inside of his skull buzzing with white noise.

"All that being said, we must be prepared to treat Obi-Wan’s self harm as the  culmination of a long and quiet mental health struggle. He would not be the first in the Order to disguise such a thing with durasteel self-discipline.”

At that, Bant and Mace took a moment to release their feelings to the force, while Anakin raised his shields defensively.

Master Aerdo finally hesitated, before continuing in the same smooth tone. “I would ordinarily prefer to structure this kind of conversation quite differently- allow Obi-Wan time to share his feelings first and invite you each separately to support him in the healing process. But he’s gone from fighting sedatives and force compulsions as though the fate of the galaxy depended on it, to a self-induced coma. All while barely lucid, yet still somehow maintaining Master Class mental shielding. We need to get a better understanding of his mental landscape if we’re going to even begin the process of treatment."

It is necessary to note that everyone in that room had led, in one way or another, a somewhat miserable life. This was the main reason none of them could claim that the next five hours were the worst they had ever experienced. 

“But he’s always had terrible sleeping habits.” Anakin said hoarsely.

“Yes, but I think they got worse after Qui-Gon passed,” Bant argued, not sure what point she was making. 

“When I pointed out he couldn’t be getting more than three hours a night he told me that he could manage on meditation” Cody offered irritably.

“That’s technically true,” Mace confirmed. “If the Master in question is well-balanced otherwise”

“So its like his eating habits, crushing responsibilities, and repeated exposure to violence, then? Completely fine for a Jedi, in less it’s not, in which case it’s a major red flag?” 

“I think it would help to establish a timeline.“

Aerdo actually dredged up old mission reports, leading to the group reluctantly contacting Ashoka for her memories of Mortis.

At her Master’s insistence, she told them everything she remembered, hazy as it was, nervously elaborating on her own memories of falling. To her confusion, Master Windu all but brushed past that, assuring her that the important thing with stepping into darkness was the choice to the return to the light. Anakin bizarrely agreed with Windu. Out loud. Unnerved by the cooperation more than anything, she put her holographic foot down and demanded to know what was going on. 

Anakin took the comm-link into a separate room to speak privately.

Upon return, he informed the group (with a visibly red and puffy face) that Kit would be escorting her back from Mount Cala cleanup early, daring anyone to disagree. Windu nodded and the conversation continued on.

Together they rewatched holo-footage of Obi-Wan laughing amongst Ghost company the night before last, and debated reports from psychometric investigators who had scoured the cantina as well as Obi-Wan’s personal quarters for traces of illicit substances. Between that and another drug panel, they were finally forced to conclude that despite the timing, the alcohol at most confused Obi-Wan’s perception of a vision, or possibly simply loosened his tongue.

Bant prodded Cody to repeat every word from the holocar ride to the temple, taking furious notes. Cody was unable to stop the heat that crawled up his face.

Just when the looming horror of Obi-Wan actually preparing to intentionally die started to break over Anakin, Windu interjected.

“You don’t see what I do,” the Harun Kal said grimly. “Something galaxy-sized shattered around Obi-Wan and he didn’t break from it. The closest comparison I have is Master Yaddle’s presence when she meditated on her confinement. He’s chosen to keep going, even when, quite frankly, death would be a release. We’re missing something fundamental.”

“He said there were ‘other dark forces at work.’ Even if the fight was objectively hopeless... there’s no way he would choose to die because of it!” Anakin agreed vehemently, shaking off morbid fears.

“But he did choose to die.” Cody said quietly. And the wind went out of Anakin’s sails.

“Lets go back.”

Anakin gritted his teeth as they picked apart everything ‘unusual’ Obi-Wan had said and done leading up to his visit with Bant.

“What exactly did he...”

“So Plo Koon was able to get a read through his shields?”

“Did he have anything to eat?”

“How did that compare to...”

“When he's mentioned things in the future...did it seem good or bad to you?” Bant asked.

“Bad.” Cody and Anakin said in unison. Remembering the trip to the temple Cody spoke again, “Definitely bad.”

“Right. When we were talking he sometimes used the wrong tenses for things, people. I confronted him on not knowing ‘when’ he was after Knight Skywalker left. He told me that he knew what was real, but he was “enjoying not fully living in the moment” he also said that he intended to “wake up”

“Enjoying? That’s the exact word he used?” Cody asked incredulous. 

“He did seem...mostly happy yesterday. Giddy, at points.” Anakin said, slumping in on himself.

Bant looked at her notes once more before addressing the group.

“This isn’t vision psychosis in any manner I’ve heard of before...but I think I might have a theory. He used to have intense visions when we were kids; plenty of us did sometimes, but Obi-Wan would be unable to sleep after. What terrified him more than anything was the uncertainty that he might make the wrong choice- even when the vision was about something good, or neutral. His visions gradually stopped coming around puberty. We just had a conversation about this a few months ago- how relieved he was to only have to manage flashes of precognition. If he had a random, horrifying vision of a terrible future...suicide wouldn’t be his reaction. It’s too final.”

“Even if he blamed himself for what he saw coming?” Mace asked.

“Especially if he blamed himself.” Bant said. 

“What’s your theory?” Aerdo prodded.

“What if...what if he was telling the truth when he said he could separate out what was real and what was not? What if there was no distortion or blurring between now and then? What if he was just wrong about which was which?”

“That...would be a very extreme and abnormal manifestation of force-induced psychosis. He has training in distinguishing reality from visions. The continued presence of his mental shielding means that the fabric of his mind can’t be so horrifically collapsed in on itself.” 

“What if the vision was actually that realistic?” Bant said, pushing back against the soul healer. “So detailed and vivid that it effectively was a reality in itself, and everything else, all of us...”

“Were just memories” Anakin finished. “It would...actually explain pretty much everything. You said he wanted to wake up and when...when I found him.” He stopped, swallowing. “When I found him, he argued with me...what if he wasn’t trying to hurt himself? If you’re right...that would mean I found him trying to get back to reality.”

“It could explain his behavior in the halls...his desperation to wake...” Sife mused “But it runs counter to every other experience I’ve had with those managing prophetic visions. Master Windu, could that explain the shatterpoints you saw?”

“I’m not certain. It would have to have been extraordinarily real to create the echos of Shattering I witnessed. I don’t know if that depth of vision has occurred before, but then again, many things are possible in the force.”

“You really think he might have been...trying to wake up from dream? By killing himself?!” Cody asked incredulous.

“If that ends up being what happened I am going to give him such shit. That is the worst way to end a vision.” Anakin replied.

“Yes. It is.” Bant said pointedly. “That’s why it’s a last resort, after every other attempt to wake fails.” 

They all sat in silence, processing various implications. Cody was unnerved by another terrifying insight into force powers, as well as the idea that the General might vividly remember Cody being inexplicably mind-controlled into trying to kill him. Anakin was trying to understand what this would mean for them, and the conversations he had thought they had had. Did...any of it count, if he thought he was offering it to a hallucination?

“Alright, this is a valuable working idea, but let’s make sure to examine everything with an open mind before we draw any more conclusions. Anakin, what happened after you left the healers office?”

Obi-Wan’s critique of the practicalities of visiting a soul healer could be and was interpreted multiple ways. The incongruity of peacekeepers in war sparked a rehash of earlier discussion. More apologies. Self identifying as ‘crazy’ inspired new debate, especially in the context of the new theory. 

“When I saw him enter the fountain room I assumed he had had a brutal run-in with  dark force user.” Windu explained. “Based on everything we’ve gone over, I don’t understand when...but some of the more insidious sith compulsions work by taking whatever small anger or hurt you feel and magnifying them until they consume you. If Obi-Wan was already experiencing self loathing...”

Cody sucked in a breath. “Then a Sith mind suggestion would bring him to commit suicide. It...sounds like something he might do, if he was partially in control. Take the blow rather than let himself be used as a weapon against anyone else, even his worst enemy.”

“Hells, it could have been an even vaguer compulsion, driving him to attack the person he hates the most,” Bant added darkly.

Anakin buried his head in his hands, trying to hold it together. He couldn’t afford to lose control or get angry. Hells, getting angry at Obi-Wan for ‘failing him’ when in pain could be the reason Obi-Wan was currently in the healing halls. The man said he loved him unconditionally, then practically had a breakdown over how much Anakin pushed that unconditional love to the breaking point, then killed himself. How was he supposed to-

“Anakin? Are you alright to continue?” someone said.

“Yes. No. There’s more I have to tell you...I don’t know if it will help but - it was hurting Obi-Wan...I...”

“Let’s just take it one step at a time. What happened after you left Mace?”

Apparently even Cody somehow knew more about Bruck Chun than Anakin. Master Windu and Eerin told different sides of the same sad story, which spiraled back into a conversation about Obi-Wan’s inadequacy issues, which somehow devolved into a long rant about Qui-Gon Jinn that Master Windu had apparently been holding back for years. 

“My apologies.” He said afterwards, clearing his throat as the group stared, taken aback. “Old grievances. Go on Anakin, what did happened after you got to the ‘secret spot.’”

“He...was skirting around whatever was bothering him...I pushed him...told him I wanted to help...he said I couldn’t...because it was me...because of what I...”

Anakin stood up suddenly, feeling the walls of the room closing in.

“I’m sorry- I’m sorry I-” 

He ran out.

He turned around almost immediately, pacing in the small corridor, knowing he couldn’t leave, simply needing a minute to catch his breath.

Master Windu followed him out after a moment, not saying anything, just standing there. Watching him.

“What!” Anakin finally snapped. “What do you have to say that I don’t know already!”

“Knight Skywalker-”

“Don’t call me that! I DON’T DESERVE-” 

Anakin let out a frustrated snarl, punching a wall. The crumble of stone beneath this fist briefly made him feel better, but then he remembered Obi-Wan’s heartbroken expression in the light of an underworldly glow, and the tiny, choked sound he heard when the healers moved him and Anakin just...collapsed, falling to his knees.

Master Windu sank down gracefully beside him.

“Anakin. This isn’t about attachment issues, is it.”

“Not really, no. I mean, maybe you’ll blame attachment but it’s more about...”

“Anger.”

Anakin looked up at that, trying to regain the meditative calm he had felt for a glimmering moment yesterday, right in-between making peace in the cave and everything burning to ash. 

“You know that I have had my own struggles with anger. It is how and why I came to develop Vaapad.” 

“Yes, but you’ve Mastered your anger. And you’ve never...never given in to hate.”

A beat passed and Windu watched some of Skywalker’s familiar breaking points flicker into view. 

“You’ve done something. Something you know the Jedi won’t forgive.”

“Obi-Wan forgave me.” Anakin said, whispering. “He said that even though I couldn’t fix what I did he loved me anyway and I just needed to...to honestly regret what I did and not do it again. I told him I’d get rid of my lightsaber and I meant it and...I thought he forgave me. I was ready to go to the Council with him, come clean about everything. And then I left him alone to get dinner and when I came back...he was holding my lightsaber. My lightsaber.” 

Anakin buried his face in his hands, shuddering with creeping cold.

“I’m not going to critique your and Obi-Wan’s attachment to each other right now. I’m well aware that much of the order has turned to personal ties to maintain their stability given the ongoing horrors of war. I am, for many reasons, wary of the risks this brings us, yet it is also true that risks do not automatically mean failure. I myself have mastered my emotions in a different manner than conventional wisdom councils.” 

Windu spoke carefully. For all that he and Anakin had similar relationships with the force, they rarely saw eye to eye on any given subject. At a certain point, Mace had accepted that the volatile young man was determined to find the worst possible interpretation for anything he said. And Mace was not the order’s most patient diplomat.

“As for your crime, whatever it is, l will tell you this: Unless you choose to renounce the code and leave our number, you will be treated as a Jedi Knight, subject to our protections, as well as our judgement. You will receive appropriate mental counseling. If you are judged to be a danger to those around you, your actions will be curtailed and monitored, possibly through temporary confinement.  The Jedi do not believe in punitive measures for their own sake, but you may be required to provide restitution to those you harmed, perhaps indefinitely. 

Silence hung perilously between them. Windu watched a tremor run through the unfathomable kaleidoscopic of shatterpoints that had orbited Skywalker since he was a boy. A small one broke inward, and an attached tangle of larger, darker ones fell away, crumbling to dust. The rest faded from view, invisible for the moment. A choice had been made, some decision that closed off at least one path to the darkside.

“There’s no one to make restitutions to.”

“...You’re going to have to elaborate on that.”

“Let’s go back inside- I don’t want to do this twice.”

They returned to the increasingly hated meeting room.

Anakin spoke in an outpouring of words about love and hate, about misplaced revenge and now uncertain forgiveness. When he finally finished, the room was deathly silent.

The three Jedi sat quietly while Cody pinched the bridge of his nose. “I guess this is why Jedi have the no attachment rule, huh? I admit I never really got it, but I suppose even if I-”

Bant abruptly lunged up, fumbling to bring her lightsaber to Anakin’s neck. Everyone jumped to their feet, except for Anakin, who stared at Bant with a wretched expression.

“MASTER EERIN! This is not-”

“Did you do it?” she asked, ignoring the Master of the Order.

“Bant!”

“It was my first thought after I saw him. We all rushed in expecting a fight, or a bomb, only to find you, insane, and him with a hole next to his heart. I didn’t want to believe it of course, but you’ve always had a violent streak that Obi-Wan, force help him, couldn’t quite soothe away. A fight gone wrong. Master Windu said it was suicide, and I believed him, and I’ve been trying to make sense of that ever since. But Mace found you after, didn’t he? After you felt guilty? Did you think he was going to turn on you?”

“Bant Eerin, you are dangerously-”

“No.” Anakin whispered.

“Obviously I might be why. But I didn’t- I couldn’t. I know I’m not good but I can’t even imagine- holding a saber against him like that. Kriff, do you not get how much I can’t handle losing people I love? I was insane when you saw me because I saw someone trying to kill Obi-Wan and I couldn’t even fight them.”  

Bant held his gaze for several lingering seconds, deactivated her saber and dropping it with a clatter. They stared at each other, breathing heavily and not blinking. She returned to her seat, moving jerkily. “I apologize Knight Skywalker. That was uncalled for.” 

“I wish I could say I wouldn’t have done the same thing in your shoes” he responded lowly. Bant made a tiny, unintelligible noise in reply. 

Cody collapsed back into his chair, holstering his blaster.  “Alright then...so after you finished sitting in the fountain room...what happened next?”

Everyone stared at him.

“What?”

“You’re handling Anakin’s confession somewhat dispassionately. We’re simply surprised.” Mace said slowly, returning to his seat at the same time as Master Aerdo fell into theirs.

Cody shifted uncomfortably. “The vod were trained in a wide range of enemy suppression tactics. While we’re extremely glad the Jedi have never asked us to employ them, I’m not...unfamiliar with this scale of deliberate slaughter. At least in the hypothetical, sir.”

“I see.” Aerdo said. “That is a valuable insight to have, thank you. Knight Skywalker-”

“Just...call me Anakin. Or Skywalker.”

“Anakin. When did this happen?”

“About two years ago, immediately before the First Battle of Geonosis.”

“And have you had any similar experiences with giving into the darkside since?” they asked placidly.

“I don’t think so but...we went to war the next day and....I don’t know if I’ve stopped fighting since it- since I did what I did.”

“Hmm. Anakin, would you mind stepping outside the room and waiting in the corridor for a moment please?” 

He bit his tongue, tasting blood, and quietly walked out the door while the Masters decided his fate. He leaned back against a wall, desperately wanting to see Padme. 

To his surprise, the door opened barely a few minutes later, and he was politely invited back in.

“Anakin.” Master Windu spoke. “Thank you for telling us this. It’s an important insight into Obi-Wan’s feelings right now, and I recognize that you could have kept it a secret. As Head of the Order, and with the advice of a Senior Soul Healer, I have made a decision. You will be assigned a personal soul healer, who you will start seeing tomorrow. Commander Cody pointed out that over nearly two years of continuous warfare, you have maintained some of the the lowest trooper casualty units of any division, by a significant margin if we evaluate based on mission risk level. Your civilian and enemy casualties will be reviewed, but even considering constant war, since your massacre of the Tuskens, you have clearly managed to at least... direct your violence away from the innocent. We do not consider you a threat to the inhabitants of the world. For the time being, I see no real benefit to limiting or tracking your behavior within the temple or on planet, but you are barred from leaving orbit. I have decided to delay a full reckoning before the council until such time that your former Master is well enough to provide his own opinion. Give me just cause, and I will have you confined to a force-suppressing cell. Do you understand?”

Anakin nodded, bowing in acknowledgment. All things considered, it was...honestly better than he expected.

“Now, as Cody” Windu paused. “My apologies, as the Commander was saying-” 

“Cody’s fine, sir” Cody said, wrung out in a way different from anything Kamino had trained him for.

“...I think we can all consider ourselves on a first name basis at this point.” Bant said with a snort. She paused. “That includes you Anakin. I really don’t know how to handle what you did but kark it, I don’t want to hate you. For myself.”

Everyone nodded.

“As Cody was saying, what happened next?”

Peace. Comfort. Hunger. A warning in the force...

-

“I tried to pull the saber back but his finger was already on the igniter...” 

“You probably saved his life. Even a second later-”

“I know, that’s almost the worst part.”

-

“-his neck”

“Why would he change weapons?”

“What if-”

-

“He said what to you and Healer Che?”

“That has to support the detailed vision idea, think about-”

“I’m sorry, Emperor?”

-

“I think we’re done.”

Anakin stared blankly at Sife. “But we didn’t figure anything out.”

“Not conclusively, but we’re unlikely to make any more progress, you’ve given me enough information to preform a meaningful meditative scan, or guide a conversation, should Obi-Wan wake, or navigate through his mind, should we decide to make a more decisive attempt at his shields.”

“Master Aerdo... I leave the final judgement up to you, but I strongly urge you to make a more decisive attempt. I am more convinced now than I was...” Mace glanced at the chronometer “five hours ago that this was motivated by a specific, external stimuli, likely dark. Do you disagree?”

“No.” they said with a sigh. “But I don’t want to underestimate how much underlying factors might have contributed to his response to stimuli, including underlying factors that none of you were aware of.”

The Nautolan Soul Healer stood up, tucking their hands into their sleeves to address the room with classical Jedi serenity. It was a little irritating.

“In any case, we all need to sleep, eat, and meditate. Master Eerin, you have the rest of the day off, I've cleared it with Master Che already. Master Windu, I leave the final judgement up to you, and I am aware that your duties as Master of the Order are unceasing, but I urge you to take some time to center yourself before returning to the council. Commander Cody, I would be more than willing to arrange soul healing for you or any of the Vod, please let me know. Anakin, you will receive a comm later today with further details on your future healing sessions. 

They bowed low, then glided out the door.

Bant stood next, bowed individually to each soul, and sped walked out.

Commander Cody cleared his throat awkwardly, “Mace- what should I tell the troops? We’re supposed to have command briefings later tonight.”

“If anyone asks about General Kenobi, tell them its classified.” I’ll schedule a briefing on the subject. Now go find Captain Rex and take care of yourself, that’s an order.”

Cody saluted, first to the high General, then to Anakin.

Finally it was just Mace and Anakin.

“Is there anyone who you trust who I can call to stay with you.” Master Windu asked.

“I can manage on my own” Anakin replied, not willing to give the Master of the Order anything else he could use against him, even after everything.

Master Windu held back a sigh.

He continued once more, making a deliberate attempt to soften his tone. “Anakin- I know we’ve had our differences, but this is not a trick, nor a trap. You’ve suffered a series of great shocks in the last 24 hours and handled them with immense maturity. I myself am struggling to deal with the emotional fallout.”

Anakin looked up at that, surprised. He didn’t seem to be struggling, but maybe that was what made him a good Jedi Master...

“As I told you before, I am not going to begrudge you the comfort of attachment. I’m rather convinced it would do you more harm than good at this point. I don’t want you flying right now, and you don’t have to be alone. I hope we have come to a better understanding today, but I doubt my presence is suddenly a comfort, though please correct me if I’m wrong. Now is there someone I can call?”

-

Padme ended her call with Master Windu extremely discomfited. She had barely heard from Anakin since he ran out on her the night before last to take care of an apparently extremely drunk Obi-Wan. He had messaged her a few times that night, promising to make it up to her, but had been comm-silent since. She had been starting to get worried, and now the Master of the Order was asking her to pick him up from the temple. Fortunately, she had already cleared most of her meetings for the week well in advance (Courascant leave usually meant THEM time, not that she was jealous of Obi-Wan, of course).

The speeder ride back from the temple was silent. All Anakin would say was that he would explain everything once they were in ‘a secure location.’ 

The door to the apartment had scarcely closed behind them when Anakin fell into her arms, shaking.

“Anakin, talk to me love, what’s wrong?” She gently guided him to the couch, arranging him so she could hold him protectively.

“Obi-Wan tried to kill himself.”

She let out a harsh gasp, “No! He can’t have, he would never-” 

“I got to him in time, but Padme... he was holding a lightsaber to his heart. It was...really close” He burrowed deeper into the folds of her dress, and she gripped him fiercely.

“Oh gods, is he-”

“He’s physically healing, but he’s still...not all there. I spent all of today locked in a room, trying to figure out if it was a Sith Attack, or an insane vision, or..or me”

“Anakin! What do you mean ‘me’ - Obi-Wan loves you, you-”

“I know.” Anakin interrupted her again, knowing he was being unfair; he was just too exhausted to be patient.

“He told me loved me. He...he...found out about what I did to the Tusken village, You should have seen his face, Padme, he was horrified, but he still told me he loved me, and he was willing to forgive me, even though he shouldn’t”

“Of course he forgave you,” Padme whispered. “You’re not a monster, Anakin, I know you would never do something like that again.”

"And then after we talked, I left him alone and he-” Anakin choked out into her dress.

Tears ran down her face, heart breaking. “That’s- that’s horrible. Anakin...it must have have been a attack, Obi-Wan wouldn’t do that.” she said urgently.

He pulled away, horrified. “I made you cry. I made Obi-Wan cry too. I’m sorry- Padme please, promise me you won’t-”

She grabbed the sides of his head. 

Her nails bit into the soft skin behind his ears as she pulled him down so they were face-to-face, vowing, “Never. I swear by the force itself, I will never choose death over life.”

He let out a relieved sigh, eyes fluttering closed.

“Now you,” she demanded

“As long as I have anyone to live for, I swear by the force, I will never choose death over life.”

She pulled him the rest of the way in for a bruising kiss. He lifted her, and they desperately clung at one another as he carried her to bed. They continued like that, clinging and grasping, until exhaustion carried him to sleep. She pulled the covers over top them both and curled around him defensively as the day slowly faded away.

Part XI

[galadrieljones]

Leah Hallucination Theory: the Three Prongs

The three prongs have really been giving me a lot of trouble. I always thought, the way they’re arranged and orchestrated in the episode, that they must be markers, signs, or visual representations of some sort, not just for us, but for Daryl. There’s something about them that’s never really sat right with me, which is that, right before Dog leads Daryl to Leah for the first time in the woods, Daryl sees a different set of prongs: two, sticking out of a tree.

I always figured they had to be connected, somehow, to the cabin, and to the three prongs, and that Daryl knows exactly what they mean. So I went back to the episode a couple days ago, specifically with the prongs in mind. I made some significant discoveries and connections, I think. I will lay them all out here, along with my theory for what the prongs could mean. Maybe this is crazy, I don’t know anymore!!!! Either way, this is a long post, and it was very fun to make, so hold onto your hats!!

When we first encounter three prongs, it’s in the shot below, in the present tense. Carol and Daryl are in the woods with Dog, and they have the conversation about the dead, and how “it’s going to catch up to [them] eventually.” Daryl says, "Only if we let it. I ain’t gonna let it.” Carol looks like she’s going to protest, but then Dog starts growling, like he’s caught a scent, and he runs off. The music becomes foreboding and tense, with loud, rhythmic drums. Dog leads them to a cabin with three prongs in the door. This is the inciting incident of the episode, the moment that is going to lead us down the rabbit hole to come.

When I saw the original three prongs, from Daryl’s point of view, I was intrigued, but ofc I didn’t know why. I just knew that they were somehow connected to this mysterious red-haired woman, who he envisions immediately after seeing them. Then, later, when we see the three prongs in the door, my brain jumped through a hoop. I assumed they were the same prongs we’d seen before, but they’re not. 

The prongs in the door are similar, but they’re not the same as the first three we see. These are more evenly distributed, and they’re on the wrong side of the shot to be the prongs that Daryl sees first upon entering the clearing. Further, this cabin has a big, covered porch. These prongs are not visible from outside, other than maybe through a screen or window. 

Once I realized these were not the same prongs, I went to check the first time we see the three prongs, through Daryl’s POV, to figure out what’s going on. The cinematography here is very tricky! The visual association is strong. The director wants us to read this episode closely, but they also want to confuse us. They want us to see what Daryl sees. 

If you watch closely, when Carol and Daryl first chase Dog into the clearing with the cabin, you can see the first set of prongs, sticking out of what must be a tree. They’re hidden, on the lefthand side of the shot, in the extreme foreground, out of focus. The prongs must be real, as opposed to imagined, because they are always in the scene, but they don’t come into focus until Daryl sees them, because only he knows what they mean. Note that, after Dog and Carol run through the shot, the camera cuts away to Daryl for several more shots before cutting back to the prongs, which then rack into focus as he looks at them. We know they’re the same prongs in both shots, because the shots are paralleled, composition-wise: a little faded leaf with a touch of red in the foreground, near the prongs, and the tall weed plant in the background. 

Remember when Daryl approaches the house, the house is on his left. We see this through a POV shot. But then, if you follow his eye line, the prongs are on his right. These prongs seem to be pointing to the cabin, like a sign, or an arrow. They are not the same prongs in the door jamb. (Side note: I went back to try and see if there is any established visual of the three prongs in the door during the “flashbacks” with Leah. I couldn’t find anything conclusive.)

So what do the prongs mean, through the hallucination lens?

Let’s return to the first scene after the storm. If you’re recall from my original post about Leah being a hallucination, I theorize that the storm represents Daryl’s psychotic break from reality. A talk with @frangipanilove has revealed to me even further that the map in the scene may not actually be destroyed, but that this is ALSO a hallucination, as Carol interacts with the map years in the future.

After the storm, a year goes by. Daryl is just walking along in the woods. It’s early autumn, as most of the leaves are still green, but they’re starting to change, with little bits of color. Daryl sees two metal prongs, hammered into a tree. 

This is the moment that confused me for a long time. The moment he sees the two prongs, it’s like he recognizes them, like he knows what they mean, and what’s coming next. Reedus plays it as a little scared, a little surprised. They’re like a warning. The music changes and becomes more foreboding and ominous, with loud, rhythmic drums, and then Dog appears and leads him to Leah for the very first time. The rhythmic drums at this point in the episode are reminiscent of the drums in that very similar scene where Dog gets excited and leads Carol and Daryl to the cabin, in the present-tense. I think the music is important in this episode, in building a map toward what is real and what isn’t. But I’m not a music theorist. If anybody is, and has the vocabulary for this, please talk to me!!

Anyway. It’s important to realize, too, that these prongs are similar, like they’re made of the same kind of old metal, but they’re part of a different set of prongs from the other set in the woods, which are different from the first set of prongs Daryl sees, and the three prongs in the door. They are at distinctly inverted angles, pointing toward each other instead of away, and instead of three, there are only two. 

So, there are three sets of prongs:

The (2) prongs in the tree in the woods.

The (3) prongs in the tree pointing to the cabin. 

The (3) prongs in the cabin door.

I think the prongs are visual stimuli, or triggers, for Daryl, which initiate a sequence of events that lead him to Leah. I think that, given how he reacts to them, Daryl may have put those prongs there, as both a geographical marker, but also as a visual association, a way of triggering his mental loop with Leah. Here’s the sequence, as we see it: He sees two prongs in the woods, which trigger the scene with Dog, who leads him to the three prongs in the tree, which point to the cabin with three prongs in the door. The repetition of three would signal the end (rather than a continuation) of the sequence. 

PTSD Associations: It’s probable the sequence was initiated by real events, since Dog is real, and since the sequence seems to plays out in present tense with Carol. Since I believe Daryl had been with Dog, at least part of the time, before he imagined Leah (more on that soon), it’s possible that, the first time Daryl met Leah, it was because this very sequence of events played out: Daryl was just walking along in the woods, and then in true Lassie form, Dog showed up, leading him to the cabin. Like @twdmusicboxmystery​ has pointed out, it’s possible that when Daryl got there, a woman was actually in trouble but died shortly thereafter, or that she was already dead. Daryl’s inability to “save” her, such as Carol suggests at the end of the episode, would have triggered past traumas and losses for which he blames himself, particularly with Beth and Rick. This creates a feedback loop, a common symptom of PTSD, in which a trauma survivor effectively relives their trauma over and over again. What’s more, Daryl’s mind attempts to conquer this dilemma by creating Leah (or recreating her, as it’s possible she was real before she died), a survivor and a pretty woman who strongly and assertively does not want to be saved. 

Since the cabin is real, it’s possible Daryl may have stumbled upon it a couple of times afterward, only to find it empty, and/or be confused about what it was for. This might be the ultimate purpose for the three prongs in the door: to trigger his memory of the exact sequence of events that first led him to his imagined version of Leah, marking the cabin specifically as “Leah’s cabin.” (For more unique insight into reading Daryl’s experience and this episode through the PTSD lens, read @weapon13whitefang​​’s awesome addition to another excellent Leah Hallucination theory by @twdmusicboxmystery​.)

Remember, right after he sees the three prongs in the tree, with Carol, Daryl immediately visualizes Leah, sitting on the porch, with Dog, almost like it is an obvious association. The sequence with the prongs is hard to follow at first when we watch, because we see the sequence out of order, and we never see all sets of prongs in the same sequence, or scene. We do, however, see both sets of prongs in the woods over the course of the episode, during separate scenes with strong parallels to one another in both the action and music, ie: the music changes, something is amiss with Dog, who runs off to the cabin, and then Daryl follows. This disorganization of the sequence is purposeful, I believe, in order to simulate Daryl’s confusion with the audience.

The whole thing reminds me, somewhat, of a psychologically strenuous version of Gareth and the Terminus crew, marking the trees in season 5 so they can “find their way home.” Only there is no home to go back to. Gareth even says so. It also makes me wonder if there is a single prong somewhere, to officially begin the sequence, leading Daryl to the scene with Dog, who then leads him back to Leah’s cabin: 1...2...3...Leah. 

First Prong? Remember in the beginning of the episode, right after the opening credits, Daryl makes a big to-do with Carol about where they are, in case they get split up, so they can find each other? He tells Carol they've gotten “5 miles due southeast of the gate.” He tells her it’s “right near that, uh...” and then she finishes his sentence: “...small fork in the road by the dying white oak?” We don’t actually know what he was going to say, because Carol makes a very assertive supposition, and then he just says, “Right.” Isn’t it possible he was going to say something else? Or that he realized he didn’t want to say what he was initially going to say, for fear she would get concerned? I did search for a prong in the scene where Daryl dumps his bike, but I couldn’t find anything conclusive. Having gotten to know this show pretty well by now, I think that would have been too obvious. I wonder if, perhaps, we’ll see it later, or next season, ie: if Daryl, or even another character will see a single-prong in a tree, nearer to Alexandria. Perhaps it will be in the “dying white oak near the fork in the road.” ? That is a highly specific, loaded, and memorable turn of phrase. I remember it calling attention to itself, even before I knew what I was looking for. 

Does Daryl know what’s real? So as Daryl and Carol go deeper into the woods, after they leave the bike, Daryl tells Carol, in a concerned manner, that it’s important she remember this spot, and that she “stay close.” Reedus’s performance here is super important. Daryl is worried about them getting separated, but it’s unclear why. We know that Carol can take care of herself in the woods, and we know that Daryl knows that, too. I thought perhaps he knows, subconsciously, where he is. He’s at the beginning of the sequence, and he’s not worried about Carol getting lost. He’s worried he might get lost, that he might lose her and end up back somewhere he doesn’t know if he wants to be. She is sure to remind him that she’s “not going anywhere.” 

There are two more things I find super interesting in this scene, looking back. First, they are only FIVE MILES away from the gate. They don’t get that much further. They travel totally on foot, and time passes, but they also stop to fish. They are most likely still within ten miles of home. So even after being gone for literal years, we know that Daryl has been close to home for a lot of that time (we also know this because Carol visits him periodically, ofc). Second, it’s Daryl who suggests they come here, after parking the bike. I know I’m not the first person to point out how strange this is. It’s almost like he is sending himself back there because he needs to know for sure: Is any of this real? Did any of it actually happen? I don’t think he fully knows at this point, in the beginning of the episode.

I think when he comes upon the cabin, he is confused. He is hesitant to go inside and waits a while before entering. You can see it in his face, and his demeanor, that he is surprised, or that he did not fully expect to end up here. That’s weird, right? Because he’s been living in these woods for a long time. Perhaps he doesn’t know what is real, and what isn’t. He couldn’t remember if the cabin was real, so he came back here to make sure. He realizes then that the cabin IS real, just like Dog, just like the map, because all of these things, Carol interacts with. Remember when Carol asks Daryl if Leah lived here, Daryl doesn’t really answer. He just says, “It was a long time ago.” I am not sure if he actually knows at this point. Remember that he doesn’t invite Carol to come, but he doesn’t stop her either. I wonder if, her being there, that emboldens him to investigate what “happened,” to see what she can see, and to use her as an anchor to the truth. We don’t know where Daryl was planning to go prior to Carol hopping on for the ride. It’s only after they ride out five miles from the gate, and they stash the bike, that he suggests the river.

Leah and Dog: I think Daryl may have been coming here, a lot, intermittently over many years, reliving old experiences obliquely through various hallucinated interactions with Leah. It’s close to home, so perhaps every time he got close enough to go back to Alexandria, he would find the prongs and end up back here instead. Eventually, however, he has to make a choice: go forward, to Alexandria, embrace reality, move on with his life, or go backward, to the cabin, to Leah, to the past, etc., where it’s safe, and where he is in control. I think Daryl found Dog as a puppy, and Dog was always real, and Dog was often with him, even before the storm, and I think Dog may have even inspired Leah’s appearance. If you look at Leah, especially when she wears the red fox pelt, she is visually reminiscent of Dog. Her red hair, like Dog’s, is so specific, so different from any of the other women in the show, calling back to the autumn leaves in the trees. In fact, the first time we see Leah, it comes as a vision, or a flashback, right after Daryl sees the three prongs in the tree. Her face is veiled by her red hair, and Dog’s face is hidden as well, almost as if they are a single red entity ensconced in a haze of dreamy green.

I wonder if Daryl met Dog, then it was the storm, then he created Leah, and he found himself in a cycle, or feedback loop, sequenced and triggered by the prongs. He rewrote the loop in his mind, and then eventually clawed his way out by creating a fight with Leah, in which she gives him an ultimatum, forcing him once and for all to make his choice to return to Alexandria and face his family. Of course, the theme of “cycles” is not only implicit but explicit in this episode: Right at the end, Daryl tells Carol that they are having the “same conversation over and over again.”

One more thing: In 9.14 “Scars,” we see a flashback in which Daryl takes a break from his hunt for Rick to help Michonne track Jocelyn, who’s taken Judith. Michonne is very pregnant, easily in her third trimester. This means it’s been eight or 9 months since Rick’s disappearance. This takes place 2-3 months before he first meets Dog (hence: 5 Years Ago), and then in another year, he’ll “meet” Leah. I thought it was interesting how, in “Scars,” Michonne talks to Daryl about all of these good memories she has of Jocelyn, and how Jocelyn was a good friend who helped her through some of the most difficult times in her life. She says she “wanted her to be that again,” and that this clouded her judgment. This is a very emotional scene, in which Daryl and Michonne talk while sitting on what looks like an old swing set. I think it foreshadows what happens with Daryl and Leah, and how he relives many memories with her, both difficult and joyful, that he wants her to be these things, and then she turns out to be nothing but a deception.

Again, this is all a theory. But it’s a REALLY fun one lol. I am now convinced that this episode is much MUCH deeper and more meaningful than I initially thought. It is a puzzle for sure, and I know there is still probably a lot of stuff I’m missing. If you have thoughts or additions, let me know!

[andydona-chan]

Realization

Ok, so this one has been sitting in my documents for some time because I didn’t know how to continue it... Until I re-read it and noticed I really don’t have to, you all know the endgame of this fanfics, and maybe I can get a better idea of how to make a second part with your precious feedback, cause I really need it, so from the old documents but for a lovely ship, I present this:

Read it at AO3

*****

Sherlock sat in silence on the bed at the hotel he was currently staying at, with the explosion at Baker Street he was virtually homeless at the moment, and honestly he was tired and he needed to sleep after what they had been through that day. However he couldn’t, or more likely, he wouldn’t. Sherlock just knew that the nightmares would make it impossible for him to rest, not only that, his ever working mind will still be running thoughts in his head, processing every detail and making conclusions about what had happened at Sherrinford.

He smiled sadly just remembering how John had offered his house, told him he could stay until Baker Street was restored, but he had instead told him that Mrs. Hudson needed it more than him, that she would be more grateful and she would be also willing to help him with Rosie while they worked on rebuilding his flat.

Mycroft had also offered his house, a really surprising gesture, and though Sherlock would have no trouble staying at his brother’s house, with all the space and rooms, he felt that he didn’t belong there; and as much as he wanted to just sit here trying to not think, it was also something he couldn’t leave for later

He needed to think about a lot of things, many of them concerning his sister and the things she had put him through that day without worrying that his brother would listen or record it. Good lord, he didn’t want him to worry anymore! So he had declined, warning his brother that if their parents were to know that they were both staying at the same house, they wouldn’t waste time waiting for an invitation and soon they’ll find themselves in a very awkward and difficult family reunion at his house.

Mycroft wasn’t ready yet to tell them what had happened to Eurus, and neither Sherlock; and though it was a matter of time that they started asking questions about the explosion at 221B, at least that way they could buy time until things had settled down into a more normal state, if they ever went back to normal

So, he took off his shoes, his coat and jacket and unbuttoned his t-shirt, climbing onto the bed and sitting in a lotus position with his head against the headboard Sherlock closed his eyes putting his hands together in front of him as he always did and entered his mind palace, this time not looking for information, but to sort the day’s events.

He recalled the day Moriarty’s video had paralyzed the entire city, his face in every screen saying ‘Did you miss me?’ By then he had already know that he wasn’t behind the event at all. In fact if he were to look at it properly, his mind had given him a lot of clues in that self-induced hallucination of the Victorian era. Even with his ghost present, Moriarty hadn’t been the real master mind behind it; it had been a woman, all along. And just as Eurus had proved, it had been for context, emotional context; something, he suspected, he could only provide given his tendency of sentimental attachment. Not that he thought it was wrong anymore, he had already started to see the benefits of it.

With an ever present sadness he remembered Mary, her case hadn’t even been connected to what had happened at all, her past had just caught up to her and that was it. However, to think that John had encountered Eurus at that time and had actually established communication with her was worrisome, because that meant Eurus had been free and watching them for too long. Time she had used to gather information, time he had lost glued to his phone and not paying enough attention to his best friend to notice what he was doing.

Then Mary had died and he had felt that loss more than he was willing to admit. And in between that he had also missed a lot of things, that part of himself that was grieving had pulled him into the numbing pleasures of the drugs, when he knew fully well that he could have faked it. He only had to convince John, and his best friend could be trusted to see but not to observe.

Oh, how sentiment could blind your mind! He had to admit that Mycroft had some points, caring too much was a disadvantage, but only because your mind focus on the thing you most care about than on the whole scene, and he had to remember that for his job he needed to look at everything, details were important, background was important. He had been seeing everything so blurred since John had shouted at him while still holding Mary’s dead body that night, it was like walking with a fishbowl full of water on his head.

He mentally slapped himself, a flash image of Molly doing so passing through his memory; he should have kept his mind clear. Sherlock sighed, opening his eyes to the darkened room; he was now slumped over the mattress, when had that happened? Maybe he was more tired than he had initially thought.

He adjusted himself until he was lying on his back, and once again reviewed his memories. He had to admit that his sister was so clever it was almost scary, almost. She had managed to come to his flat and pretend to be someone else, they had spent a whole night together, just walking and talking, some of the things they had talked about he couldn’t even remember, he had showed her so much about himself that it wasn’t a surprise that she had managed to trick him into her trap.

He had practically given away all his weaknesses without even noticing. Although he had to admit she had a lot to do with his lack of confidence when trying to make friends, or the way he treated them, and maybe, just maybe, if things had happened in a different way he could have treated people in a really different way. Women were usually more sentimental, more emotional, and Eurus had wanted to understand that, he was the most emotional of the three, and it was probably out of her female nature that his sister had tried to get his attention, to learn about it.

It wasn’t the best way, but then again the Holmes siblings mind worked like no other, especially hers. Eurus had asked him to choose someone to kill a man, and to be quite honest he had trouble choosing one. Mycroft wasn’t really one to do things himself, he always had done things through other people, still Sherlock had wanted to believe that he could do that to help him, he was wrong; but John, he could count on him, he had meant it when he had assured to Mycroft that John was family, although the last thing he wanted was to put another weight on his shoulders right now, even with what they had been through, and what he had learned thanks to him.

Talking about knowing what was good and what was wrong, it had also been a task when they had to choose a guilty man out of three brothers, their sense of justice was very similar, but the experiment had been clear for him then. Eurus had tested their reactions - especially his reactions to their reactions - to different emotions; in that first room they had to make a sacrifice and for that they had to show specific emotions fear, trust, courage and empathy. Taking from that, the second room had been about justice, their moral, resistance; intelligence and anger were tested there. In the third room…

Sherlock found himself unable to start with the things that had happened in that room, suddenly he had to sit up, his breathing was fast and he felt anger boiling in him, he was trembling.

With a jump he stood up and started pacing, trying to calm down, there had been something about that one test that he still couldn’t get over.

‘Damn it, Holmes, you are flesh and blood. You have feelings. You have ... you must have ... impulses.’

“Shut up!” he said out loud, as if to silence the voice inside his head. It was true that he had been in frequent communication with The Woman, what had happened between them had been interesting, but not lasting. There had been of course many emotions mixed up there that had actually thrown him out of his way, but it wasn’t something that currently affected him, and in his mind it was obvious that John would refer to her since she was the only one he had seen who had been able to pull his emotions - impulses - almost to the surface, however she wasn’t the only one, there was someone else, a woman who had always been able to see through him, to really see him.

Molly Hooper…

‘She’s out there...  she likes you, and she’s alive. And do you have the faintest idea how lucky you are?’

But she had come near to not being alive… or so Eurus had wanted him to believe. Sherlock sighed loudly again while passing his hands through his hair, there were bruises on the skin of his hands, a reminder of what that experience had make him do, his hands had hurt afterwards, but he hadn’t had time to check, and he had hoped there wouldn’t be any evidence of it, but they were very visible by now. His own words as he deduced who the coffin in that room was for resonated in his head.

“Well, allowing for the entirely pointless courtesy of headroom, I’d say this coffin is intended for someone of about five foot four. Makes it more likely to be a woman.”

“Not a child?”

“A child’s coffin would be more expensive. This is in the lower price range, although still best available in that bracket.”

Of course it would be a cheap coffin, Molly would never buy something bigger or better, they had discussed it over on the phone one night, it had been silly actually, he was bored and wanted to know what her thoughts on that matter were, or what her choice would be given the case.

“A lonely night on Google” Not lonely if he considered who had actually talked to him about the subject, who else would he choose to talk about something like that?

“This is a practical and informed choice. Balance of probability suggests that this is for an unmarried woman distant from her close relatives. That much is suggested by the economy of choice. Acquainted with the process of death but unsentimental about the necessity of disposal. Also, the lining of the coffin…” Plain white but shiny, it’s feminine and delicate; something that a woman with simplicity on her mind would choose for herself if it was the last thing she would lie on.

“...Look at the coffin. Unmarried, practical about death, alone.”

Once again John’s voice broke into the scene reminding him of just how much an important matter this was. “Trust me, Sherlock: it’s gone before you know it. Before you know it.”

Letting his arms fall to his sides Sherlock had to admit defeat, he dropped himself heavily over the bed; his sister had really hit the nail on the head. ‘I don’t want it to end. Not like this’ the words appeared in his mind like they had done the night he had met Eurus, and just like then he erased them from the air in front of him, another sting of pain reminded him that John had gone through that reality. Molly Hooper meant a lot to him, so much more than anyone could really tell. She had helped him countless times, not only with experiments and autopsies, she had helped him fake his death, he had trusted her with his life, it was a secret, but it had been important at the time, she had done it, and she hadn’t asked anything in return.

He knew that she liked him, it was unmistakable, her body language, the invitations to go out for coffee, her smile… An image of her dressed up in a black dress a few Christmas ago made his stomach contract. He did not deserve her, how had she been able to forgive him after what he did that day, after what he had did more than once? It was something different that he had not really understood in the moment, his need to apologize and the guilt he had felt for making her feel that way, but she had left that behind and stayed firmly in her position as his friend, because whenever he went back to her she would be waiting for him

‘What do you need?’

Sherlock had noticed her attempts to move over him, to make a life, only to fail miserably, more than once because something he had said. He remembered Tom, that man she had gone with to John’s weeding, he had been her fiancé, someone she could’ve relied on, someone who could have make her happy, but she had called it off… Why? He wasn’t quite sure.

But he had made sure to show that he was grateful for the help she had lend him, she was an intelligent woman and her work with him had made things easier more times than he could remember. After Mary’s death Sherlock had needed to talk to someone, at first just to know how John was doing, and Molly had visited Baker Street with Rosie many times, sometimes to leave her with Mrs. Hudson, others to have some tea.

It was a few days after Mary’s video had arrived that he had talked to her about his plan, he had told her everything, and he had said that it was necessary to be real for John to pay attention. That day she had accepted, reluctantly, to help him, she had agreed to take and ambulance and the equipment to test him two weeks later, she had also promised that she would be very angry at him that day, she already was… He felt confusion at hearing it, why would she act that way right now? The plan still had some weeks to fully develop.

She worried too much it would seem, because she was lonely, and she was distant from her own family. It was clear now, she only had them, and of course she will worry about him, he was the man she loved! At that point he was the one putting his life in danger, he was the one dying! This time it wasn’t fake, she could keep that he was alive as a secret, but she couldn’t duel with a real death, (a fact he had known the day Mycroft had sent him to that 4 minute mission and why he had completely avoided telling her about) not another one so soon, and especially not after Mary…

Again Sherlock had to run his hands over his hair, this time his fingers pulling a little bit at it, he needed to react, the tiredness was pulling at him, he could feel his eyes dropping with sleep, but it wasn’t the time yet, so he needed to feel something real, pain would do for now. It occurred to him then that maybe Molly had been already really stressed about what was going on around her, with this family of hers that she didn’t know how to approach properly, she had been busy with Rosie, worried about John and working hard every day, and he had made her think about the state she was going to find him after his plan was complete, something she had also done professionally on a moving vehicle. Wow, that woman was so strong!

He had been at the hospital for at least two weeks before going back to Baker Street, and there she was again, still angry, busy and worried, but still there. She had been there through some episodes of withdrawal, his bad humor and his anxiety. And what had he given her in return? Nothing. It was suddenly obvious that a single ‘thank you’ and a kiss on the cheek were not enough anymore, not for someone who had done so much for him.

Suddenly it was clear why it was inconceivable that Molly Hooper would think that on the day of her death he would put her in that tiny cheap coffin! When Eurus plan had been revealed in that room he had known that this would hurt Molly, however in the midst of her life being in danger he thought it was best to have her heart broken than not beating at all.

It had been a surprise for him when she had asked him to say the words first, something unexpected given the circumstances. She had asked him to say it like he meant it. At first his mind had gone blank; he had to make sure he had heard her right, and then ask himself what he could do to make it sound like the truth, a part of him told him to just do it, she was in danger, if she wanted to hear him, he would say it, it was easy, or so he had thought when he asked her to do just that, but how? The answer hadn’t been difficult to find, really. They were friends that much was clear to him, and he truly loved his friends. The real shock came when he really thought about their kind of friendship, a flash of all the things they had shared through the years, the things she had done for him, the moments and experiences, the laughs and the discoveries made, the way it felt so natural to have a long a really entertained conversation with her, it wasn’t the kind of friendship he had with John, Wiggins or even with Irene, he had realized it then, because just as she had said it, it was true, he really did felt love for her, no need to fake it.

‘Also, your loss would break my heart…’

Something really out of character of Mycroft the moment he had said it, but very on point in this case, losing Molly Hooper would break him. Not only his life would be emptier, his job would lack something she could only provide, she would not only miss her silly jokes and colorful jumpers, her sharp mind and her dexterity at her job, his heart ached at the sole idea. Trust him to feel lonely if he didn’t have Molly Hooper in his life, because for some time now John had had a life apart from him, with Mary and now only with Rosie, and thought Mrs. Hudson was good company sometimes Sherlock found himself feeling lonely. In a way he was like Molly, unmarried, practical about death and alone, he rolled his eyes, they had so much in common.

That’s how he knew, because moments after the call had been disconnected and he had been unable to talk to her a bit more, he had actually pictured it. He saw it when taking the lid of the coffin, her name written in the plaque just above the very same words that she most wanted to hear from him, he placed it over the wooden box that would hold the body of this great woman…

He saw her, her deathly pale face, still so beautiful, her eyes, those warm brown eyes, closed forever to the world she had found fascinating, her lips, now lacking color and the smile he had always loved, her small delicate hands yet skillful in her profession, and strong when he had needed her help, his heart beating painfully for her while she laid there, now unable to know what he was feeling for her, the words carved on a plaque that she would never read, he could picture a single tear dripping down her cheek as the light closed over her - a tear fallen from his own eyes…

No. She deserved flowers, a nice chapel, a place full of people that loved her, a long and fulfilling life to be remembered for, a long speech about her a nice, big and comfortable looking coffin lined with silk and a big plaque with the words ‘She was loved infinitely, by family and friends, she was the one that mattered the most at the end’; and he would be standing beside her, probably sad, but happy to have been part of her life. No! And he had lost it then, his patience, his poker face, his self-control, all lost because he couldn’t let that happen, he would not burry Molly Hooper in that cheap bloody coffin! He will not lose her!

He was angry at Eurus for making him do that, now that he had already understood how much it affected him, hurting the people he loved; hurting John Watson had been awful, and knowing that he could have done more for Mary had hurt him too. It wasn’t fair that he had been manipulated to hurt the one person in this world - out of his own family - that loved him unconditionally and deserved so much more from him, because she thought he was better than that!

‘She taught me to be the man she already thought I was. Get yourself a piece of that.’

All those words, all those emotions, all the things in life she did not have, and all just because she loved him… He had never wanted to be the one to stop all those things for her; he would’ve liked for her to move on and have her life, and be loved and be happy! And what have he done? He had insulted her appearance more than once; he had told her of off her choices, he had actually suggested she stopped dating at all…

When had he fallen in love with her? Because his jealousy had no other justification, maybe he had told himself that he needed her, but what for? Just because that way she would have more free time, what was that about? Wasn’t she entitled to have her own time and entertainment? She had the right to have friends and spend time with them and have fun and met someone and have a real family. Why then, was he so stubborn about her? He supposed unconsciously he had always known, but it was easier to think it was for his benefit, that it was also fun for her and that she was spending time with him, her friend.

But she knew him more than anyone, even more than John himself! She had saved his life, had helped him and proved to be more reliable than anyone, she had helped him solve countless cases, and they had joked and laughed and talked about more things that he could remember. She had always been there, was it really so hard for him to be there for her? She wasn’t asking for much, apparently, his heart already belonged to her.

He knew what he was coming back to, after that, Molly was going to be angry and sad, and probably won’t be happy to work with him as she always did. But that would be because she thought he was pretending, faking it for a case as he had done with the drugs, or with Janine… How could he convince her? Sending her a message? No, it was easier to discard or delete without even reading it. What about a phone call? She was probably not going to answer or would block his number.

The problem now was that he had broken the trust between them more than once; she had no reason to believe him, not after how abruptly that last call had ended. His mind brought the picture of Eurus face at that moment, he had to admit that she seemed almost as shocked as John and Mycroft had been.

“All those complicated little emotions. I lost count.”

For a moment he wondered himself how many emotions had been showed during that phone call: confusion, fear, trust, desperation, pain, realization, courage, surprise, truth, anger, love…

He wondered how much John and Mycroft’s opinion of him had changed, it would be really difficult to look at them next time Molly or his feelings were part of the conversation, it was something else to expect in the coming days. But they didn’t matter right now, he needed to talk to her, explain things, and put an end to the endless feeling that something was missing, he needed to feel complete again. He huffed in sarcastic annoyance, it was a curious feeling, because she hadn’t gone anywhere, but that last conversation had cut the connection between them and he could barely tolerate it, he had to do something about it.

Working quickly to not waste any more time Sherlock put on his shoes, grabbed his coat and exited the room, maybe this wasn’t the best idea at the moment, it was really early in the morning and he hadn’t sleep one bit, but that had never really stopped him before…

 *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

I really don’t remember if I have already posted this, but since I couldn’t find it here I guess I didn’t... It’s only been checked for grammar with Word, so please forgive any mistakes, I really hope you enjoy it

[treestargarden]

so at the request of the same friend, i’m gonna continue analyzing wonder egg priority episodes. this is episode 3 “a bare knife”, so 

tw: child sexual abuse, pedophilia, self-harm (cutting), suicide mention

rika is precious. i’ll say that right of the bat. the first survivor (unnamed) of hers we’re introduced to, its heavily implied her trauma is child sexual abuse. i’ll get into it further along the line, later, but ultimately, this makes me think the main characters’ wonder eggs r deeply relevant to their own trauma/healing. this is also the first time we’re introduce to another girls weapon, which is also relevant to their trauma. 

i love this shot of rika. it implies she has a very confident demeanor (outer appearance), but i figured if she’s doing wonder eggs, she probably has some deep shit to sort out, too. additionally, her intro to ai was stage acting, feigning a broken rib cage. its implied she was testing acca/uru-acca, which probably means she’s seen the two before. 

and comparing her overall interaction with neiru...

neiru’s portrayal is more straight-on. her character is a little more shut off and we don’t know a lot about her yet, but we do know appearance is a lot for her. the straight on profile is neutral. again, hiding deeper emotions/thoughts/motives for neiru.

they have made it a point to focus on this man’s shoes. every. single. time. he’s had maybe a total of 30 seconds of screen time so far 3 episodes in, but i already know his appearance in the show is relevant to ai’s trauma/healing. it was revealed that koito was seeing him--heavily implied it was grooming/sexual, but at this point it isn’t explicit. ai happened to walk in on them one time. so there’s a couple reasons why ai would react to the counselor the way she has. 

1) he’s probably spying on her to ensure her silence

2) he’s probably explicitly threatened her for her silence

3) he’s attempting to groom her, too, in order to gain her silence

something that was immediately obvious to me was rika saying the counselor was “hot.” which made me think about her first wonder egg girl being a ... survivor (using the term loosely, because she is technically dead) of child sexual abuse. at this point, i’m starting to think rika’s trauma is deeply rooted in adult men preying on her. not to mention the fact she was an “idol.” she briefly mentioned her group mates were “ugly” so they broke up. it wasn’t explained, but i have suspicion her idol manager was a man who often brought that up with her, trying to... make her feel separate from her group mates in order to more easily prey on her. he was grooming her.

and to further the point that the wonder egg girls are tied to the living girls’ current traumas, ai repeats over and over she doesn’t have friends, that koito was her only one. when we review the events of episode one, her first wonder egg, kurumi, also expressed that she didn’t have any friends either. 

ai’s second wonder egg, minami, is a little different. she doesn’t express specifically that she hasn’t any friends, but i suppose we could extrapolate some of her characteristics to get to that conclusion. for instance, she berates herself, constantly apologizes, and is described as “meek and timid.” all of these could be attributed to abuse, of course, but also can attribute to an introverted personality (whether that’s trauma-related or not is unknown). but the fact that she dies--and probably at the hands of the abuse (because its never really stated if she self-harmed or not), but it was explicit that her gymnastics coach would get very physical with her--can be probably inferred that nobody cared/knew about the situation. ultimately, she was alone, just as ai feels alone irl. 

so at this point, we’ve been introduced to rika’s coping mechanism--cutting. in this screenshot she expresses... resentment of her weapon “of choice.” which means their weapons are specifically linked to the girls’ traumas. in this instance, i believe it is specifically how they cope. for rika, her scissors* r probably indicative of using scissors to cut/self-harm. ai, on the other hand has a pen. it could be argued the weapon is significant to the first wonder egg, but i’m not convinced. 

for instance, in ai’s first wonder egg, kurumi, they made it a point to focus on the pen she dropped when she ran away in the cafe. it was seen that kurumi was writing--what, we don’t know. but instantly, ai was fascinated by the pen. it could be that she has specific attachment to this item due to her own irl experience. she doesn’t talk to many people, not even her mother. and she’s makes it a point to say koito was her only friend. her coping mechanism would be internalizing and journaling her pain, up to this point, however, we don’t have any explicit scenes of her journaling.

however, if we were to take the route that their weapons are tied to their first wonder egg, then we have to consider a couple things about rika. 

1) we only saw rika’s “first egg” ending, so we have no idea how important the scissors were to that narrative. 

2) my initial reaction was to say it was impossible to say this episode was rika’s first egg, because ai didn’t have a weapon for her entire first egg. HOWEVER, after being introduced to koito and jumping off the ledge to save the other girl, she did end up getting a “transformation” sequence where the regular pen turns into her weapon. 

on the other hand, she looks completely shocked about this, so i’m still pretty confident rika’s intro episode wasn’t actually her first wonder egg. coupled with the fact rika is known to stage act, and the previous evidence i mentioned earlier about her first encounter with ai, i truly do not believe this episode was rika’s first. 

at this point, i’m fairly certain this is a show about healing from your own traumas. in my last review for episode 2 i was concerned it was a white knight narrative, but upon this speculation--the fact that the girls’ weapons, and the wonder eggs are relevant to their irl traumas/healing narratives, i definitely think this is... a self-saving narrative. 

a couple of last notes, before i end this analysis. 

1) wounds: the girls are immortal in the wonder egg worlds, but sustain wounds irl. i think this supports my idea that this is a self-savior narrative in the sense that when you deal with these traumas head-on--looking into your past, doing deep introspection--the trauma can definitely make you feel you’re re-living those injuries. but technically you are ok, you’re in the present. 

HOWEVER, when that processing happens, we can sustain irl injuries--this can be anything from sleep loss, visual/audio hallucinations, paranoia, anxiety, depression which does translate to irl hurt and pain. they are both... /real/, its just that one is more prominent because of its proximity to the present. 

2) rika: i still have some lingering thoughts about her backstory. for instance, when it was revealed the Chiemi committed suicide because rika rejected her, i also believe rika started cutting herself. this could have also ended up in the lane of “you’re an idol, you aren’t supposed to do that. you’re supposed to be perfect. now you’re ugly” rather than her being groomed specifically with those words to separate her from the rest of her group. 

specifically, its possible she was projecting that hatred onto her group mates. like... /she’s/ more human than them because she has feelings/emotions. she’s not a robot like her group mates, etc. 

*i say scissors, but they also look like a pair of razor blades, i’m not really sure as i haven’t gotten a clear shot of them 

either way, i find rika’s backstory fascinating, and i can’t wait to see more of her. 

[captainjimothycarter]

I really love that Peggy and Sousa encounter each other in the future post 😍

I had to go back so many posts to find this post, lmao. This is a long one! 4k! This is so not what you wanted but I couldn’t stop writing??? 

--

Chaos was a normal way of life for Peggy. She had already accepted that when she signed up for the war, following Michael’s death. Being a codebreaker beforehand was hard enough and she was good at it, Peggy was good with her hands but it wasn’t enough. There was always that itch in the back of her head that just reminded her there was more that could be done and unfortunately, it took the death of her brother to realize what exactly she should be doing.

Then she met Steve, a scrawny Brooklyn Native who didn’t look like he should be breathing much less standing beside Dr. Erksine who insisted this is who he wanted for his experiment. It took very little convincing before this absolute mad man was nodding eagerly about this experiment, promising to keep the details under lock and key. As quickly as she met and no matter how hard she tried not to admit it, she lost Steve. A part of her heart went down with him in that plane and no promise to recover. To just move on because she had to.

Or so, Peggy thought.

Time travel was an idea of fiction on paper. She didn’t think it was real or something possible. Why would she? It was an amusing idea, one even Howard had tinkered with, yet as all ideas are, there is some truth to them. There had to be or otherwise, Peggy was insistent she was going mad here because Steven Grant Rogers was standing on her doorstep wearing clothes a size too big and with a bouquet of roses in hand.

The shattering teacup was the last thing she remembered.

That night, there was a long, long talk. One that went far on until they were both hoarse and bags under their eyes from lack of sleep. In reality, she was afraid to sleep. If she closed her eyes, Steve might disappear. This might be some hallucination from her imagination but every touch to his skin felt real whereas she couldn’t touch him before. He felt real when it came to the body heat and his heart. So, in conclusion, he had to be real, she just couldn’t accept it because he could easily be taken away.

There was this tale he spun for her. One about the future, about being frozen for so long, about how he fought in new wars, worse than their own, how the organization she was building in secret was destroyed from the inside out, how he had a key hand to it [and how very apologetic and downright hurt he looked by telling her this], how he has lost and gained, just to lose again, and how he got here. Time travel of all foolish things. And she wasn’t sure what was worst, the fact that he was here or the fact that she believing him.

Or the fact that she was going with him.

There was no other word for this beyond selfish but Steve had assured her that she wasn’t. Selfish wasn’t helping the greater good, he assured. They could rebuild Shield with the help of some new friends, start their life together. He would be there. And yet her life here? In this single, dreary apartment where the front door didn’t close all the way and her neighbor’s cat had snuck in and sprayed her bedsheets? Well, she didn’t think she was leaving much behind, so she agreed.

Steve did try to warn her. He did try to tell her about the future and the insane technology, not even Howard had agreed on. How Howard had a son [‘he’s hurt but he’s alive and he’s gonna be okay, Pegs, I promise.’ Funny, it sounded like Steve was convincing himself more than her], how Sargeant Barnes was alive, and the complicated history of Hydra behind it. He’d told her not to feel so guilty for it because no one knew but there was that itch, that self-guilt that told her they’d been so close to rescuing him. She just knew it, but they snuck out right under their noses.

There was a whole crowd of people waiting for her as they stepped through the portal, Steve holding the bag of essentials she’s packed. An outfit or two despite his insistence that they had clothes, a few files, photos, and even books. And of course...Steve’s photo that she kept close to her heart. She dressed comfortably, in her leather jacket from the war, slacks, and a blouse. The last she expected was a sharp whistle to cut through the crowd and to see a man with an eyepatch standing in the back. 

Steve’s sigh told him all.

“Director,” he said harshly, almost standing between him and Peggy, as if to put himself in harm’s way. “This doesn’t concern you.”

“Oh no, taking people from the past and bringing them to our future doesn’t concern me,” Fury huffed, sounding annoyed and almost amused. “Tell me why in the hell did you bring Carter here.”

“Tell me why in the hell are you speaking about me as if I’m not here?” Peggy snapped, stepping around Steve and folding her arms across her chest with an unamused look. She swore the man’s lip twitched. “I can speak for myself and don’t need Steve to speak for me. I think it’s very clear why I’m here and beyond the obvious to help recreate an organization that you have very well allowed being destroyed by your greed and a blind eye.”

There was a smirk on Steve’s lips as Fury rolled his eyes and muttered something about having ‘other plans’ and ‘not officially director anymore’ that reminded her of the scrawny boy from Brooklyn. That he was proud of her. Oh, that did the heart wonders.

“Spunky as always, huh, Auntie?” 

The voice made Peggy turn to find the owner. She felt like she was staring right at Howard Stark, except with more salt in his beard and more burn scars and a missing arm. This had to be Tony Stark. Steve’s friend, Howard’s son.

“Auntie?” She questioned, raising a brow to his amused look. “I think you’re older than me.”

Tony shrugged, still amused. “Maybe.” She scoffed as if not to say maybe. “Okay, I am but you practically raised me at points in my life. Not you, another you...the here...you. Steve, why did you have to make this difficult?”

“I did not,” Steve countered, wrapping his arm around Peggy to squeeze her close. “You’re making it awkward.”

Rolling her eyes and muttering boys, Peggy enveloped Tony in a familiar hug, mindful of the burns. 

“Auntie or not,” she sighed, patting his cheek. “I think I can still wring your ear when you need to be reminded of your manners.”

An almost familiar redhead was watching her from behind Tony. There was a sense Peggy got from her that she’s seen her before. Or perhaps another version of her. Younger, with hair and outfits that changed colors, and words that taunted her and wrung in her head. With mysteries that they still never solved. 

“Black Widow,” she breathed, much to Natasha’s amusement. “I’ve fought one of you before.”

“Dottie, if I remember correctly,” Natasha sighed, giving a small nod. “My trainers never quite let that go. You were always a pest on their side, even to the day you rescued me. Or well, you and Barton.”

Barton, she pointed out made her look over her shoulder to see a tall blonde with purple hearing aids and a boyish smile on his face. His hands wrapped around a leash, a golden lab at the end of it. Beside him stood a familiar sight. A very familiar site that took her breath away.

James Buchanan Barnes. Broader than she remembered the slender soldier, with long hair that was now tied back into a bun, and a shimmering arm of silver and gold. His stormy gray eyes betrayed the fear that echoed through him, one step more forceful than the next before he dropped to his knees at her feet. 

Peggy was quicker and saw the fall coming from a mile away, dropping with him to catch him in time and envelope him in her arms. He held onto her tightly, she was his comfort, his solace, and he was begging her for forgiveness for sins she did not know but haunted him. She felt the stubble on his face brush over her neck as he buried his face into her, his shoulders shaking with every other sob.

“I have you,” she whispered, brushing his hair back, her face tucked into his neck to give him that peace. “I have you, little one. You’re okay.”

“You-you’re...younger…” He hiccuped, trying to force those old Barnes ways back through.

“Younger and yet wiser,” she teased. Looking up, she saw the crowd disperse with the promise of introduction at dinner. Far as she understood there was still a God she had yet to meet and these other...agents. The only people who stayed were Steve, Barton, Romanoff, and another man who stood beside them with bright eyes and a smirk that reminded her of Gabe Jones.

Pulling Bucky back after giving him a few minutes, she pressed their foreheads together, brushing the tears from his cheeks. Steve had crouched beside them, a comforting smile on his face. This close, Peggy could count Bucky’s full lashes if she so wished.

“Are you okay?” She whispered in French. Steve had gotten the basics of it when he was alive beforehand, but Bucky had been fluent.

The language made him blink, the Soldier was never taught French. It was a forgotten language. But Bucky, no he knew it. It made him smile. 

“No,” he replied honestly. “Not really. You don’t understand because it hasn’t happened and I don’t think it will happen’ but I tried to kill you.” He took in a shuddering breath, avoiding looking at Steve. He wasn’t sure if Steve even knew this. “Hydra s-sent me to kill you, it was my first solo mission. No handler, no contact. In and out. I failed. You knocked some sense into me, literally, with a-a lamp post. It was...in some hotel I remember. We sat and talked. You tried to help me but I-I couldn’t let you get close. I told you of some names in..in Hydra that might be in Shield and...can remember my handlers torturing me when...when they died by your hand.”

“Damn right,” she grumbled. “Not about you...being tortured. Look at me.” She cupped both his cheeks and pressed a tender kiss between his eyes. “You are safe now, okay? You’re here and I’m not upset at you. Or going to hurt you. If...if you seeing me…”

“Stop being the selfless one for once,” Bucky snorted. “Jesus, no wonder you and Steve are perfect. You’d both take a bullet for one another.”

“Technically a grenade,” Peggy mused, making Bucky look up in alarm at the blonde.

“Steve.”

“It was...years ago, Buck, c’mon.” Steve shot Peggy a look, standing them both up and looking away as Bucky cleaned his face up.

“Did you jump on a grenade?!”

“It was a dummy!”

Peggy laughed at their bickering, hugging Bucky tightly to her and kissing his cheek. She’d missed him, no matter how much she wanted to deny it. She did miss him.

“I’m not going to avoid you, Pegs. Some days are gonna be harder than others, but I’m gonna be fine. I can’t avoid you.” He tilted her head up with the metal hand, giving her that trademark smile that reminded her of her older brother so much. “You’ll find ways to wiggle into my life later, but I...think you met my partners.”

Yes, partners, Peggy hadn’t misheard. She was reintroduced to Natasha, Clint, and now Sam. Sam, who was the great-nephew of Gabe Jones.

“I take it you kept these two in line?” Peggy teased, hugging Sam tightly who just melted into her.

“Hell no!” He laughed. “These two are hell-bent on getting themselves killed. I think they learned that from you.”

“Guilty as charged,” Peggy mused.

--

It was a full month later before Peggy was introduced to those fellow agents she was promised to meet. 

There was Mack, now the official Director of Shield, and who was very humble to meet her and as only she could describe was a giant teddy bear. He even made Steve look small.

May and Coulson, two lovebirds who were dangerous in their own way and yet we’re still in love. May just looked amused as Coulson gushed about ‘being a fan’ and Steve just looked embarrassed for her. Then it was chaos after the ‘Avengers’ saw Coulson in their living room. The chaos of yelling about how he was alive and not told for so long. That was an argument that May and Peggy quickly escorted themselves out to have a friendly chat.

Three new people arrived a day later in a small, private jet. The first soul out of it was a small blonde, little girl who came to Peggy’s hip and had all the energy as a toddler should. She laughed when Peggy caught her so she didn’t run off towards the lake, spinning her around. The laugh made her smile. And even Steve who snuck up beside her.

“Alya!” Jemma sighed, running up to Peggy before skitting to a stop over the turf when she realized who spun her daughter around in a circle. “You’re...you’re…”

“I’m told you’re a fan,” Peggy laughed, holding her hand out and shaking hers and then her husband who looked amused. “Jemma and Fitz, correct? And this is?” She held her arm up where she now hung upside down on her arm.

“That’s our littl’ monkey,” Fitz laughed, scooping his daughter up and putting her on his shoulders. “Coulson called us about...this and we didn’t want to believe.”

“You didn’t want to believe,” Jemma countered, shaking her curls. “I believed him. Why would he lie, Fitz?”

“It wasn’t lying I was worried about! Normally people pulled from the past isn’t good! Look at Sousa!’

Time stood still and Peggy felt like her heart had stopped. She was fully aware people were staring at her. Steve had stood behind her, touching her cheek.

“Pegs?” He whispered, clearly worried. “Peggy, are you okay? Hey, hey. Whoa.” 

He lowered her to the ground when her knees gave out, supporting her body. Jemma knelt beside her, sending Fitz inside with their daughter so Peggy wasn’t crowded. Even May had come out of the lake house to check in on them.

Peggy blinked a series of times, clearing her throat. She could feel Steve’s hand on her neck, checking her pulse. She felt like she couldn’t speak, her mind was stalled out. She forgot every word she knew. Everything had been replaced by his voice, his face.

While she didn’t harbor feelings for Sousa, while their kiss had been rash, and she decided not what she wanted, they parted on good terms. Really good terms. His death, his violent, needless death of a body floating in a hotel pool had made her choke on her coffee when the news was told to her in passing as if it was a normal thing.

“Sousa is alive?” She finally whispered, feeling her hands starting to shake even as Steve’s own closed around them. “He’s alive?” 

Jemma and Steve shared a look above her, one Peggy missed. “Yes,” May replied over both of them, shifting so she was in Peggy’s vision. “Yes, he’s alive. And he’s doing wonderful. They’ll be here in a few hours.” She paused as if to consider her words. “He’ll be happy to see you.”

--

“Can you handle your jealousy?”

Steve looked up from the bed, where he was trying to rethread his boots with difficulty. He paused as the boot fell to the floor, the lace slipping out of it with a heavy sigh.

“Why am I jealous? No, how am I jealous? If I remember correctly, you shot at me for kissing…”

“No, I was shooting the shield.” Peggy reasoned, fixing her last curl into place before turning to face Steve from the mirror. “And you were kissing her!”

“No, she was kissing me. She kissed me and I couldn’t back away! I’ve told you, I didn’t want her, I wanted you.”

Damn Rogers and damn him for saying the right words. Peggy’s shoulders slowly relaxed and her eyes softened as she took the boot from his hand and wrapped him in a tight hug. “I know,” she sighed. “I see you kept the marks on your shield, after all this time.”

“Well, I had to have some keepsake to remind me not to fuck up again.”

They laughed, Steve slowly kissing Peggy as he savored every moment. He only jerked when there was a knock on the door, looking embarrassed as the door opened to a new face. 

“Oh!” Daisy, breathed, her won cheeks tinging pink. “I can go if you two are busy. May just sent me to find you...two…” Her eyes fell onto Steve, then Peggy and a small smile grew on her lips as if confirming something to herself.

Peggy stood up, taking Steve’s boot in hand and lacing it in three easy strokes before handing it back to him. “I take it you must be Daisy, right?” Her hand held out to him and she smiled as they shook hands. 

“And you’re Agent Carter. Jemma has told me everything about you.” She paused, her tongue between her lips. “And Daniel.” 

“It’s okay, I’m not...jealous or anything like that.” She wanted to make that clear, even if Steve snorted from the bed. “You have anything to say, Captain?”

“Just to keep your gun away from a man who doesn’t have a shield,” Steve teased, pecking her temple. He nodded politely at Daisy. “Coulson has told me much about you and the rest of the team. He thinks highly of all of you.”

“Yeah, well for a robot...he has a lot of feelings,” Daisy laughed with a shrug of her shoulders. “Is your team still done yelling at him?”

“Friends, not team. And sorta? Thor already knew because of Sif. Tony was quick to forgive him. Bruce said he knew already from working with Fury on some side project. As for Agent Barton and Romanoff… well, they hold onto grudges for a long, long time.”

Daisy chuckled as they left, hands in her pockets as they walked down the hall. She didn’t miss how Peggy had taken Steve’s hand. “We know. Agent Romanoff has gotten May back for a few things during our time together. Try explaining to Director Fury at the time why five chickens were in her office once. It took us ages to get them out. I think Fitz still has nightmares about those chickens.”

“They’re dreadful beasts!” Fitz shouted from the kitchen. “Let’s not talk about the Chicken Incident, please.”

“They are not,” Jemma insisted, smiling at Peggy. “Are you feeling any better?”

“Wonderful, thank you. I’m glad someone knows how to make a proper cuppa. The bath and nap did help.” 

Steve pouted when Peggy’s eyes shot over to him. “Hey, I tried to learn during the war. Unlike Pinky who just put straight up a leaf in hot water one time.”

“Steven, if that’s what you call tea, then I don’t want to know what you call coffee. You just don’t have that touch.” Peggy’s hand patted at his cheek, making Steve flush. 

“Don’t worry,” a voice behind them said. “I tried through all my years with her and still didn’t learn right. Even Mr. Jarvis tried to teach me. I have too heavy of an American hand, whatever that means.”

Leaning onto his cane behind them stood Daniel Sousa with his still boyish, but more handsome face and a proud look in his eyes that hadn’t been there before. Peggy’s breath was in her throat as she saw him, her hand gripping Steve’s tightly. Everyone around them, save for Daisy and Steve suddenly found they needed to be elsewhere to give these people privacy. 

“Hey, Pegs,” Daniel breathed, giving a warm smile. “Whoa, whoa hold on.”

He nearly fell if it wasn’t for Steve when Peggy darted to him and hugged him tightly. He had to admit, some part of him felt almost a little jealous until he saw Peggy’s shoulders shake. She had taken his death hard, she’d told him. The fact there was not even a body to bury had made it much worst and he wondered how much of that funeral reminded her of his own.

“She took it hard,” Steve whispered to Daisy, giving a sympathetic look to the pair whispering to one another. “Even if they were friends after...everything, she didn’t learn about his death until weeks after. Hydra was trying to cover it up. She blamed herself.”

“She’s really hard on herself, huh?” Daisy sighed, shaking her head. “Daniel has told me everything about them. Is this...weird for you?” At Steve’s confused look, Daisy shrugged. “Your...girlfriend with her ex? Is that weird?”

“Never really had anything to compare it to, so I supposed not. Daniel is an important part of her life,” he mused. “I just have to accept that, as she has to accept my friends are important to me. She knows about Bucky and I…”

That was the last thing Daisy had expected to hear, her eyes widening. “You and the Winter Soldier were…?”

“Bucky but yes, teenagers, during the war, Peggy was involved in it. And even after.”

“I think Coulson owes me fifty bucks,” she muttered. 

“Mention it to Clint and you’ll get a hundred.” 

--

“Captain…?” 

Steve looked up from where he sat on the bench by the lake, watching Alya, Peggy, and Fitz look for ‘specimens’ in the shallow end of the lake. On the other side, Bucky and Lucky were going for a jog or more as Lucky was dragging Bucky through the marsh. In front of him stood Daniel, still with that boyish smile and leaning on his cane.

“Steve,” he corrected, scooting over and patting the seat. “Sit down. I know that thing has to hurt like hell. Don’t lie, I had to have a brace as a kid for my back. Felt like torture.”

“The whole straightening rod and all? Poor you. I see it’s done nothing for your posture,” he teased, groaning when he finally sat down. “It’s gotten better. I’m looking into better prosthetics, giving this up...feels sorta odd. Is that how the serum felt to you?”

“In a way,” Steve responded after a moment to think about it. “But in another, I didn’t know what the hell to expect. None of us did. I went in an asthmatic boy and came out...able to breathe and see color for the first time.”

“Was it Peggy?” 

Steve looked over at him, raising a brow and Daniel shrugged. “When you saw color for the first time, was Peggy your first sight?”

The Captain sighed and laid his head back, rubbing a hand over his face. “Yeah. Red. First time I saw it, you know? I knew the color existed, been told it does, but seeing it...seeing her eyes...her hair… But that red, it stuck to me. Took my breath away. She was...beautiful. Still is.”

Even if she was covered in mud now by Alya giving up the hunt and having a mud-fight. 

“I hope you don’t find it odd that I’m here, that Peggy and I talked,” Daniel replied after a few minutes of comfortable silence. “Peggy… Marge…”

“Look,” Steve put a hand on his knee and gave a gentle squeeze. “You and Peggy have a history, that’s okay. I don’t care. She’s important to you and you’re important to her. I’m not jealous. She took your death hard given everything at the time. You were there for her in times I couldn’t be and I’m thankful that you were a crutch for her to lean on. So, stop this...awkwardness...Pegs is important to both of us in separate manners. She’s gonna be here for a long, long time and I hope you stick around too. I like to think we’ll be friends even.”

He could even hear Bucky, in the back of his head, telling him what a kid he sounds like.

“I’d like that,” Daniel sighed, squeezing Steve’s hand gently. “She never stopped, you know? She never stopped hoping to find you. A part of her always kept looking. Always hoping, even if it was a body to bury. She’s always loved you.”

“I’m thankful for that because Gods know I fucked up a lot.” He gave a strained laugh, shaking his head. “She loves you too. In her own manner. It’s why your death hit her so hard.”

“Yeah, well, now we have all the time to make up for it.” Daniel stood up, holding his hand out to help Steve up with a small smirk. “Sure wish Thompson was alive right now. He’d so owe me ten bucks for even being friends with Captain America.”

“Don’t remind me,” Steve groaned, rubbing at his brow, hearing a heavy splash. He laughed at the sight of Lucky dragging Bucky through the mud before the man had the sense to let go and let the dog run off back towards the house. “That’s a face I wouldn’t mind punching, much shit as he gave Pegs.”

“Then I hope you don’t mind I’ve done it a time or two and blamed it on the alcohol,” Daniel laughed. “You want a few beers? I think they’re gonna be busy for a while.” 

“Sure. What’re a few beers between friends?”

[lilcutieana]

Dark Desires ( JJK/ Demon AU)

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook| Reader Words: 6.3K Rating: NSFW (18+)  Genre: Demon AU  Warnings: pwp. smut. fingering, oral (receiving/giving), cumplay, edging,                     orgasm denial, dom/sub undertones.   Synapse: You’re a herbalist looking for herbs and the reason behind the mountains being off limits. Surely, the hills must have more medicinal plants, but, what lies there, is something far more sinister. 

For my lovely wife @barbika1508 who requested me with a prompt that turned absolutely filthy under her influence. I've got no regrets whatsoever. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Masterlist || One shots Masterlist

“Why don’t you just buy the herbs like every other normal herbalist out there?” Josephine whined dramatically with a hand on her forehead and sat down on the lone stool by the window.

Josephine was a lovely woman in her late forties and she’d been working alongside my grandfather in the quaint little herbal medicine shop that he ran. I’d inherited it about five years back and have been trying my best to run it smoothly with the little knowledge I have and the years of experience I’ve gathered.

And for that, I’d need to handpick the best of herbs and mix them myself for the best medicine. Yes, one could certainly say—I was too nitpicky. But it was just the way I’d liked doing things. My way, or no way.

“Define normal.” I retorted back with a smile, knowing I’d made a good point. Placing the last of the sterilized glass jars into my side tote bag, I was set for my little travel.

“There are twelve packages, named, labeled with instructions within.” I started counting things that needed be done while I was gone for the day.

“If new customers come, ask them to visit again and don’t mess with the ingredients.” She parroted me in the exact tone and rolled her eyes. “I know, kid. It’s the same thing every time.”

Giggling under my breath, I nodded sheepishly. “Just making sure, Fifi.”

Jogging up to her, I hugged her tightly, inhaling her sweet scent of cinnamon and rose with my eyes closed, hoping she’d hold onto me a little longer. I wanted to ingrain her earthy scent and her warmth to my memory, to have something to keep me sane as I traverse the mountains for the rare herbs.

“Be careful darling, and as always,” She pulled away and looked into my eyes. Smiling, I parroted the saying I’ve been hearing since I was ten. “Don’t go looking for a dark cave, or you’ll end up walking into your own grave.”

Kissing my forehead, she stared at me a moment longer, her eyes downcast and teary. Closing her eyes, she sighed and patted my cheeks fondly. “Off you go, young lady.”

Biting my lips, I nodded and turned around. Without looked back, I padded my way across the room and climbed the stairs down to the exit of the little shop. I knew I was going to break the one promise I had made to her all these years.

Maybe she knew it too. Maybe that was why she looked sad and resigned. But I was determined to find out what held in those mountains that caused the people to come back delusional and sick out of their minds. I just had to.

                          *＊✿❀○❀✿＊*

Tired and out of breath I sat on a boulder, huffing and puffing out through my mouth. As I climbed up the steep roads, I saw many herbs that were uncommon to the woods down below. From Aralia, Dianthus, Cassia and even Vervain. They were much needed almost regularly and required a long time to extract. Finding the fresh herbs was just my luck.

But the collection soon became too much to carry. I’d collected some wild mushroom and berries on my way too, just in case I got lost, I’d have something to snack on or make a soup out of. Considering it rained or I found my way to the spring on the other side of the mountain.

As the day grew closer to noon, the heat became unbearable and I decided it was time to start on my way finding what I came here mostly for.

Finding the true cause of the locals getting sick on this mountain. The women never came back and the men became insane. From hallucinations to night terrors, the symptoms were wide-ranging showing only one conclusion—they encountered something that terrified them to their wit’s end.

The local legend said a monster was sealed here in one of the caves, another claimed it to be a demon’s lair while yet another spoke of a handsome young man trapped inside a cave by a demon as its prey to bring in humans for it to feast upon.

Not that I believed in any of those, but, by the looming cave in front of me decorated with human skulls in pikes and shattered bones as carpet to its entrance, you could say I was pretty close to believing in one of those tales.

Now, either I could walk in there—free the boy and tackle the demon with deodorant spray and matches. Lighting up a demon on fire seemed like a really good idea to me. The pyromaniac in me jumped in glee at the prospect.

Or, my inner-self whispered in the back of my mind. I could listen to Fifi and just walk away before I became my own patient.

There was no herbalist who rivaled me. The town needed my expertise. Yup. I’d walk away and bring back the herbs like promised. The demon was bringing me customers and money anyway. If it was a demon’s doing in the first place. I’d seen enough for the day.

Home, sweet home. Here, I come.

Even though I said that my heart didn’t quite agree with it. Crunching on the little bone shards spread out on the dirt path, I walked on my way to the portal of death. My palms were sweating in anticipation. Heck, even my sweat was sweating. It was certain there was something in there, something not dead, and something definitely not alive. Because, despite the area being decorated with filthy and gruesome things, it didn’t stink. Not one bit. Instead, the air tasted fresh—like spring water and morning dew and it smelled of vanilla cakes. The only things I loved the most in the world other than, of course, a heavenly slice of glazed dark chocolate cake.

Suspicious. Very suspicious indeed. Tilting my head, I sniffed the air some more and my eyes widened as the aroma intensified, became richer, beckoning me to lick the air itself with how deliciously good it smelled.

Licking my lips, I threw all caution to wind and brisk-walked the rest of the way to the entrance of the cave. Hesitating, I stopped for a moment. Just what was I doing? 

I was supposed to head home. Even the birds overhead had started to fly back home. If I didn’t turn around now, I’d never make it back by tonight. I had a shop to close, shower and order some Chinese takeout. Yes, takeout was unhealthy, but I was sore from all the walking. I didn’t have it in me to cook for just myself.

Despite me rationally wanting to go back, I couldn’t bring myself to actually turn around and go back. There was something about this place— something that made me walk towards it like a moth to the flame. I could feel the little hair on the back on my neck rising, my skin being dotted in gooseflesh. And despite the obvious warning signs—I kept going.

Staring down at one of the spears with a human looking skull on it, I wondered if it was plastic or plaster of Paris. Didn’t seem unlikely at all. Maybe it was some kind of unfinished haunted house shit? Well, whatever. It was in my way and I’d get it sorted. 

Picking up the spear and shaking of the skull of it, I was satisfied as it flew past my shoulder and split open with a satisfying crack. Smirking, I shook my head. Plastic indeed. Someone was really out there trying to keep people out of here. At least they could have had something rotting to make it more believable. 

The cave loomed in front of me now, shrouded in absolute darkness. Whatever was in there, I hoped it was worth me risking a heart attack solely from the way it was trying to beat its way out of my chest. 

Me? 

Scared?  

No. I was just nervous I’d hurt the wrong person, or demon, or whatever being was in there. Were they trapped? Or were they a bait? Or was there anything at all? At this point, honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me if this was some haunted house setting with fake dummies that light up as recordings of weird voices go on in the background. 

Steeling myself for the worst, I rummaged through the bag, looking for the matchsticks. Great, just great. I had stuffed so many things in here, it was practically impossible to find the tiny little box.

“Can I help you?” A voice piped up from somewhere deep into the cave, and it echoed back to me. That only meant the cave was empty because if there were other things, they’d have not let voices echo. A flock of birds flew past my head, making me crouch down. I didn’t quite like them. From far away? Sure, they were beautiful. But on my face? Nah, bro, stay away.

A bright light shone in my eyes, blinding me for a split second. A torch! Of course. I knew I was forgetting something important when I left the store earlier in the day. I wonder if the customers collected their due medicine today.

 "Are you possibly deaf? “ The voice asked again and I shivered at the sweet honeyed tone of it. He sounded like a teenager, maybe close to my age too. I was no expert when it came to voices, but it was soft, soothing and calm like no other. 

"No, I’m just blind thanks to you.” Rolling my eyes, I turned my head and heard the ticking of his faint footsteps walking away. 

“I’m sorry about that.” He drawled, not sounding sorry at all and switched off the light. Blanketing everything into darkness once more as he dragged something into position. Huh. Rude much? Was he may be lost in the mountain? Or dared to spend a night here? Whatever the case, if he was as comfortable being in the darkness, maybe there wasn’t anything scary at all. 

A hole opened up at the roof, letting the moonlight in and the whole cave lit up as if there were a thousand bulbs lit inside. Walking around awed, I noticed it was filled with crystals hanging from the ceiling and all around the cave that glittered as the moonlight shone on them. 

“Pretty, aren’t they?” He whispered next to my ear, holding me to himself. I could now feel his well-defined chest muscles behind me as his arm snaked around my waist.

 "They are. “ I breathed out. My voice a soft whisper and huskier than I’d intended. His presence was doing things to me I’d never admit it out loud. Demon or not, there was something about this cave, that had me staying and now my blood boiling in anticipation.

Dropping the spear from my hands, I turned around in his arms and froze on the spot. Nothing in this world had prepared me for the beauty the man was. No wonder he hid in the shadows. His strawberry blonde hair parted to the left and messy, dark eyes set on me, looking into my soul. They looked so sad, hurt even, as I stared back at him. His nose was just a tad bit crooked and lips thin and so pink that curved just a smidge when my gaze lingered longer than deemed appropriate.  

“See something you like?” He asked with a smirk, his eyes dancing in mirth. Narrowing my own, I stared down at his crotch that seemed to be bursting at the seams. Raising my brows, I poked him there, and sure enough, he was hard, a damp patch already forming on too tight jeans. Flinching away from my touch, he grabbed me by the throat, though his grip was harsh, his touch was gentle.

I wasn’t scared of him. I wonder why.

Maybe it was the calming scent that surrounded him, or maybe it was his gentle eyes. But something made me want to trust him. Something in his gaze as it lingered on my eyes made me want him. He was lean, yet there was something powerful about him that thrummed in the air and made me want to touch it to see if it really electrocuted me. Yet, I kept my hands to myself. I didn’t want to disappoint him.

“You have some nerve not just entering where you shouldn’t but also trying to touch me. Are you possibly out of your mind?” He spat out his words, eyes narrowing and jaw clenched. The veins on his neck became more prominent as I stared at them. He truly was a piece of art, and so were the accessories on him. From the leaf shaped black earring, to the multiple rings on his fingers, he was decked in jewels, and I don’t think they were the fake kind.

“So what if I am?” I challenged him and was satisfied to see the fire in his eyes burn brighter. He was angry, but for what? Surely, he couldn’t have owned the cave. It didn’t belong to anyone. Unless…

“Do you even know what you’re dealing with?” He asked, dragging a finger over my slit as he buried his nose on my neck, biting it until I winced and let go of my neck when I shook my head. “I’m a demon, an incubus. You should have stayed away like the priest intended.”

Demon? Him?

He looked more like a fallen angel dressed in all black. If demons looked anything like him, I’d gladly have him locked up in my basement, tied and naked. But that was just me being horny. Right. He was an incubus. No wonder my sex drive was through the roof and I was in a trance as soon as I got a whiff of him. But a priest?

Well, not my business. As long as he fucked me good.

Snarling, he tore through my joggers and showed me his ink black nails as if he could read through my thoughts. If he thought they’d intimidate me, he was wrong. If anything, it only made my pussy clench in need. I wanted those beautiful fingers of his buried deep inside of me, making me scream, but only in ecstasy.

Peeling off my joggers, he looked at my body appreciatively. The cold air making my nipples pebble and body squirm in need. “Look at you, being so needy for me.” Licking his lips, his eyes turned golden and nose flared as he noticed the thong I was wearing underneath. “I’ll reward you if you can satisfy me.”

“I’m sure I can.” I nodded confidently. I loved giving pleasure, it turned me on to no ends. And his body was a heaven I’d wanted to explore. The sheer black shirt he wore did nothing to hide his gorgeous, delectable muscles; those dusky pink nipples and a very mouthwatering neck. I wanted to bite it, mark him my own.

“But can you keep up?”

"I’m certain I can more than keep up, kitten.” Tilting his head to the side, he nodded to himself, “I prey on your life force, in exchange for a night of pleasure. Everything you’ve ever dreamed of, will come true, in exchange for a few years of your life.”

Even though he was warning me, his tone seemed deeper, huskier. If he was turned on before, he must be beyond help now. He was a sex demon if his life depended on sharing with others, and he chased away people from approaching him, he must have been starving.

A selfless, starving demon. Never in my life, would I have thought it possible. Was it a choice, or was he forced into it? Maybe it was because of the ‘priest’ he mentioned. Well, I suppose, as long as he didn’t suck me dry of my life force and spread my bones as the ivory carpet to the entrance of the cave, I guess I was fine with a couple years taken away. I was doing so with unhealthy diet anyway.

“I don’t care if you’re a demon. If I’m going to hell, I’d rather fuck my way to it.” Shivering in delight at his voice and his confidence, I wanted to bend over and let ram into me. It was hard to even stand still under his gaze, but it was the same piercing gaze that held me in place.

Smirking, he dragged his nail from my neck until the hem of my panties, slicing his way through it. It didn’t hurt, but it stung as drops of blood beaded on the trail he formed. Peeling off my ruined flannel shirt and black bra, he thumbed my nipples all the while staring at my face. “Bad, bad girl. You defy me, even though you want me.”

“I’m sorry if I’m not what you expected.” Glaring at him, I held onto his cock over his black jeans and holding a fistful of hair at the back of his head, I guided his lips down onto mine.

His lips were far softer than I’d imagined them to be, warmer and they molded just right onto mine. Biting his lip, I dragged my tongue onto the seam of his lips and as soon as he opened his mouth in a whimper, I smiled in victory. He tasted of caramel and coffee, a heady mix that had my head spinning, my thoughts muddled and before I knew it, his hand was stroking my core, gliding his fingers over my nether lips.

Gasping aloud, I spread my legs a little, hoping he’d take the hint and touch me properly. Sucking on my tongue, he smoothed his fingers up and down my slit and every time he came close to touching my clit, his fingers shied away making me groan in frustration. Pulling away from my mouth with a string of saliva connecting us, he chuckled, “Cat got your tongue?”

“No, you.” I glared at him, my core clenching in need and almost dripping past my thighs. I needed to feel something inside of me before I was driven to insanity.

“Jungkook” He demanded, lifting my chin with his forefinger. His claws now retracted back. “My name is Jungkook.”

“I’m Y/N, please, touch me,” I whispered, making my eyes look larger, hoping he’d take pity on me. It was all his fault anyway. Growling, he pinched my clit, making me jolt in surprise and yelp. Before I could retaliate, he got down on his knees, lifted my left leg over his shoulder and with a wink, dived in as if I were a feast he was starving for.

“Your scent has been driving me crazy since the moment you looked at me”, Licking up my entrance, he inserted his index finger and looked up at me, “And you taste delectable too. Just hope for your own good, I don’t get addicted to it.”

Whimpering as his finger hit that spot inside of me, my knees buckled, and he held me up with his shoulders.

"Ju-jungkook"

"I know"

Inserting two more fingers at once, he scissored them inside me, drawing out light moans of pleasure. The more I squirmed, the faster his pace became and as soon as I'd clench on his fingers, he'd stop and start building his pace all over again. This was more frustrating than it was satisfying and now I just wanted to clutch onto his hair and shove his tongue right over my clit. But, somehow, I knew I shouldn't be as greedy.

Clutching onto his defined shoulders for support in a deathly grip, I was sure I had left behind crescent moons where my nails had dug into his skin. Squirming, I tried to get his nose to rub just the right way over my clit. I needed to cum, but he just wouldn't let me. It was the fifth time when he finally took mercy upon me as my breath hitched and I rocked against his palm.

"Cum for me, Y/N", Jungkook demanded in a harsh whisper, his fingers twisting inside with each flick of his wrist. I whimpered an incoherent response, lost in the haze, body spasming and feet numb. Curling my toes as I felt my abdomen clench, I held onto his hair tighter than before, urging him to do something. Just a little more...

With a nip to my clit, the tiny band that was holding me back came undone as my orgasm took over. "Fuuuuck, Jungkook!" I gripped his hand, trying to slow him down as he continued to thrust his fingers inside me, dragging out the intense orgasm, showing me no mercy as his tongue relentlessly lapped on my clit, over and over again.

Whimpering, my body tilted and lost its balance. Catching me midair, he cooed near my neck, petting my hair and praising me. "There, there, take it easy." As I opened my eyes, I saw his cock straining, angry and red, leaking cum from the tip. It was the probably the prettiest cock I had ever seen in life. But before I could reach for it, he tilted my head away with his forefinger, looking into my eyes. "You okay there?"

His body was tense, eyes flickering over my face and neck, sad and empty. I wondered if he became self-conscious and worried. There was absolutely nothing to worry over. If anything, I was on cloud nine right now. I felt invincible.

"Yeah." Nodding, I tried feeling my body. I felt alive, my skin thrummed in satisfaction. "Fuck, that was amazing."

"Yeah?" He asked, a slow smirk forming on his lips, replacing his earlier frown of concern. "Want to continue?"

"More than anything, Jungkook", I replied, with absolute honesty. If that was just a preview, I wanted to enjoy the movie, the merchandise, and all the fan fiction. I wanted to devour him. Incubus or not, I wanted him. Letting go of my thighs, he stood up as soon as I'd regained my balance. Ripping open his shirt and pants, he threw them somewhere behind him, unbothered. As hot as that looked, I wondered if he owned any more pairs.

His skin glowed from the sparkling crystals, every ridge and sinew of his body carved to perfection. He truly looked so beautiful under the shimmering lights, I wanted him, and I wanted him all for myself.

“There’s still time to back out now.” He whispered as he came closer to me. Shaking my head, I looked around us. There was practically nowhere we could do it. Then where?

“Hold on to the wall, be mindful of the sharp crystals.”

Nodding, I spread my fingers along the rough surface of the walls.

“I’ll let you in on a secret.” Dragging his thumb across my lips, he looked me in the eyes as I pulled his thumb into my mouth, swirling my tongue around it as his gaze darkened, “With every kiss, you lose a little of yourself. If I was starving before, I’m a little satisfied now, which makes me all the more ravenous for your body.” Pulling his finger out of my mouth with a pop, he peppered tiny kisses all over my neck and chest, licking in between as I held onto his hair in a tight hold.

His demeanor changed, he became gentler, yet assertive in his movements. Slowing down, he dragged out every movement of his tongue, lighting my skin on fire. I was burning for him, my skin feverish for more of his touch. His hands were like magic, every inch of skin that they mapped, came alive under his calloused touch, drawing out gasps and moans of his name.

"You’re so hot like this, writing under my touch and I haven't even started." He then traced the shape of my breasts, his hands tender like the touch of a feather. Licking his lips, he then attached his mouth to the twin mounds, giving them equal attention. Even though his touch was gentle, his mouth was completely unforgiving. His hot tongue flicked over the nipple, biting on it until I squirmed away. Holding onto my waist, he laved away the sting of his bite and smiled at me innocently, his doe eyes sparkling with promised dark pleasures. "These are possibly the prettiest fits I've ever seen."

He whimpered as I caught hold of his hot throbbing length in my hands. He was hard within, but oh so soft, and warm in my hands. I wanted to taste him, to feel him come apart on my tongue. To hear him moan my name and become desperate under my touch. "Why don't you fuck them?" I challenged him. If I was proud of something, it had to be my boobs. If he found pretty, who was I to stop him?

Jungkook straightened up and looked down at me through hooded eyes, a slow smile spreading on his lips. Mussed hair, lips bit red, dark eyes and neck littered with love bites; Jungkook was a sight to behold. But when he smiled, all rational thoughts flew out of my head and I stared back at him flabbergasted. He was absolutely ethereal, an angel. His smile made him look like an innocent child, so happy and bright until I saw his eyes, dark, lethal and oh so sexy.

Getting down on my knees, I regarded his cock that twitched under my harsh glare. It was so beautiful, flushed red and veins bulging at it sides, a drop of precum oozing from the top. Before it could drop on the floor, I licked its head tentatively, savoring the bittersweet taste on my tongue. He smelled somewhat earthy and his deep musk made me clench my thighs and rub and together to create some form of friction.

Gliding my tongue around the head, I dragged it all the way to his balls and sucked them into my mouth tentatively. Gripping onto his hot length, I flicked my wrist and dragged his skin lower and licked my way back up, enveloping the bulbous head into my warm mouth.

He shuddered above me, I could feel his thighs tremble underneath my fingertips of the hand that wasn't jerking him off. Groaning low in his throat, he threw his head back and bit his lip until they bled a dark crimson.

Opening my mouth wider, I pushed him deeper inside until it became too uncomfortable for me. He was just too big to fit in my mouth, and thick too. Swirling my tongue, I coated him with a thick layer of saliva and popped him out of my mouth.

With a wink at his astonished face, I pushed my tits together around his girth and moved over him once, twice, until he moaned pushed the bangs out of my face. "This has got to be the hottest sight I've ever witnessed."

"Yeah?" Smirking, I licked the head as it reached my chin with an upwards thrust. Every time I bounced down, he'd thrust along with me, setting a fast pace that was tiring me out. But the look of absolute pleasure on his flushed face was absolutely worth it. Sweat beaded on his forehead like tiny glittering diamonds and I was proud that I ...was the cause of it. Me.

Spitting over his cock, I watched as it glided smoother than before, the friction almost is gone. I could feel it get hotter and swell inside as he chased after his high. Squeezing my tits tighter, I bent forward, licking his abs and he stilled momentarily, bucking his hips faster against my chest.

“I—I’m cumming” He whimpered and pulled back, pumping his length with his right hand. Pulling and twisting the skin with a sharp jerk of his wrists.

“Cum for me, Jungkook, let me taste you.” Opening my mouth, I stuck my tongue out for him. Pointing his cock straight towards my face, I saw his eyes dilate further and brow furrow in concentration. “I’m cumming Y/N, shiiiiiiiiiiit” With a shout, his chest stuttered and mouth opened in a silent scream and I closed my eyes just in time for him to paint my face and chest in hot thick strings of his cum.

Blinking my eyes open, I saw him fall back, breathing heavy with his eyes closed and an arm thrown over his face. Smiling satisfied at rendering him breathless, I crawled over to him on all fours and kissed his cheeks.

Removing his hand from his face, he blinked up at me, confusion marring his face and then surprise. Raising his finger, he wiped his cum from my cheeks and smeared it over my lower lip which I sucked in and relished on his bittersweet taste. Wiping my other cheek where his cum had started to thicken and dry, I licked my finger clean and watched as his mouth hung open.

Smirking, I picked up some more of his cum from my chest with my fore and mid-finger and raised it to his lips. “Lick them clean for me.”

Flicking his tongue out, he licked them clean slowly, dragging his tongue around my digits with slow careful strokes. “Enough,” I whispered, liquid heat pooling once again in my core that clenched around nothing. I needed him inside of me, and now. Glancing down further, I noticed him hard and ready to go once again. Raising a brow, I looked back at him in surprise.

He shrugged and smiled, “I’m a demon.”

Shaking my head, I climbed on his lap, positioning myself over his cock as it strained once again and glided over it back and forth, slathering it in my essence. Moaning at the way the tip of his cock hit my clit just right, I threw my head back and held onto my boobs, squeezing them.

“Gosh, you look so gorgeous like this”, Jungkook breathed out beneath me and raised his hands, replacing mine and tweaked my nipples, pinching them harshly between his thumb and forefinger. Shivering, I jerked back and in one smooth glide, he was sheathed inside of me drawing out collective gasps from us both from the slight burn of sudden intrusion.

He felt like nothing I’ve experienced before, nobody came close to being the perfect fit inside me. He stretched me just right and I had to stop and take a few moments to get used to being so stuffed full of cock. Can’t say I didn’t like it. Far from it, I was possibly going to be addicted to this feeling, I just knew it. No human could satisfy me the way Jungkook did.

“God you feel so incredible inside of me.” I breathed out, with my eyes screwed shut and leaned with my hands flat over his chest. The way his cock was pulsing inside of me, I was worried it might just burst and fill me up with his hot cum once again. Gosh, won’t that just be perfect? Me. Swollen full of his cum.

“I could…” He gritted out through clenched teeth, squeezing my hips in a bruising grip, “say the same about you. Move, please.”

Instead of answering him, I raised my hips and slammed down all the way down. He was now balls deep inside of me and I felt so full, I swear he was almost reaching my womb. Scratching his chest, I raised my hips once again, “Look me in the eyes as I fuck you.”

Holding onto his jaw, I started at a fast pace. Even though it was straining my leg muscles that were already crying from exhaustion, it was worth the sweet, sweet pain. The look on his face as I dominated him was priceless. He was aroused and confused. His eyes were wide, yet they were demure, submissive.

Leaning down, I kissed his temple and patted his cheek. “You’re doing so well, Jungkook” I whispered by his ear and felt him jerk inside me, hitting my G-spot and I keened, moaning out loud.

Feeling me clench around him, he gripped me by the hips and started thrusting upwards into me, far harsher and stronger than I could have. Taking me by surprise, he sat up and I had to wind my arms around his shoulder to balance myself. Pistoning his cock into me at a fast pace, he breathed harshly into my mouth. We were chest to chest and face to face now. Nudging his nose, I licked his lips and glided my tongue over his as he opened his mouth to me.

Patting my ribs, he halted our movements completely, making me whine in need. I was so close. “Up”

Getting up, he pushed me by the spine onto all fours and got behind me. Pepper little kisses from my neck to the tailbone, he bit my ass cheek and chuckled as I jumped in surprise. It didn’t hurt but stung a little. Just a tad bit. “Pull on my shirt and jeans and tuck them under your chest. I know you’re exhausted. Keep your ass up and body low.”

Scrambling forward, I balled his torn shirt and jeans and bunched them under my collarbone. Surprisingly, they were soft enough and didn’t chafe my skin. Leaning down, I crossed my arms and supported my chin on it. “I’m ready, Jungkook.”

“Good”

Sliding his dick in between my ass cheeks, he slowly inched closer to my asshole and I stiffened. I had never had anal before. I wasn’t even sure if I was ready for that yet. “One day, I want to claim you here too. But, not today.” Sighing in relief, I slumped my shoulders.

Just then, he pulled back and slammed into my pussy all at once, jerking me forward just by the sheer force of his thrust. Holding onto my hips, he pulled me back only to slam back inside once again. Setting up a brutal pace, he moved with no mercy in and out of my core, fucking me raw.

The collective moans echoed around the walls of the cave, forming a sweet melody only we could hear. Letting go of my hips, he held onto my arms, holding them behind me. The new change in position caused his cock to reach places it didn’t before as he hit that sweet spot inside of me repeatedly, making my head fall forward as I cried out his name in earnest.

I could feel it again. I was close to cumming again and it scared me. It was going to be far more intense, I just knew it, and maybe Jungkook did too because all too soon, he let go of my hands one by one and wrapped his hands around my chest instead. I could feel his heart beating a staccato on my back as he kissed all over my shoulders and neck. Mapping my skin with his lips, whispering words of encouragement into my ear.

His husky voice, the heat from his body, his scent, his aura, him, and everything was overwhelming and I could feel the coil in my stomach tighten with every harsh thrust. His soft moans from before were downright broken gasps and grunts as he continued pounding into me. Biting onto my shoulder, he stilled above me and shuddered as he came into thick spurts inside of me, causing my walls to tighten further around him and flutter as I shattered around him, milking him for what he was worth.

Collapsing on the floor, he slid away from me and flopped beside me, breathing harshly matching my own. Flushed a deep red, his face was beaded in sweat and hair messy, yet his eyes—they glowed in happiness. Remembering what he said from before, I propped myself on my elbow and leaned towards him, kissing him fervently.

He tasted of himself, and of me. A taste, I never wanted to forget. Cupping his face delicately, I coaxed his mouth open and drew him in, moving my tongue alongside him in slow, soft movements. At this moment, I wished he was mine. Truly and completely mine.

Pulling away, I looked at his hooded eyes and soft smile that mirrored my own.

“You did so well, Jungkook.” I kissed his temple, and his button nose, looking at him fondly.

“Of course, I did. I’m a sex demon.” Scoffing, he scrunched his nose up, looking all annoyed and so very innocent, making my heart tug and beat twice as fast. 

“Thank you, Y/N, really.” He looked at me in earnest, all traces of humor gone from his eyes. 

“What for?” I asked puzzled. Surely, he can’t be thanking me for fucking him. That was consensual. We both wanted it. 

“For kissing me, for losing so much of your life--- to a demon like me.” Biting his lips, he raised his hand when I was about to speak again, halting me right there. Closing my mouth, I stared back at him annoyed. “I have been trapped here for about thirty years, these crystals drain my energy, my life force, and I couldn't get out with what little energy I had. The first time you kissed me, I was filled with so much life and vigor and then--- now when you kissed me for the third time, I’m finally strong enough to take revenge on the priest who tricked me inside.”

“Do you think he’d still be alive and here?” I asked astonished. Being trapped inside to die from starvation mustn't have been a good experience, especially when he tended to scare away whoever chanced inside anyway. He was an enigma. Or was he just chasing me away, since he was close to death already?

“I wouldn’t know the world outside, Y/N. That was what I wanted before. Now, I just want to go wherever you are.” As soon as the words were out, we looked at each other shocked. Both in absolute disbelief over what he uttered and then, a realization dawned on me.

Maybe, I was falling for an incubus. Maybe it really was foolish of me. But I didn’t care. At this moment, I knew I belonged to him, just as he belonged to me. Even if just for tonight…

“Come back home with me then.”

“Why? Saves all the walking?”

“That. And I’m not done fucking you yet.” I smirked, looking back at his already hard cock, leaking at the tip.

“Let’s teleport to your bedroom then”

[justsomeelf]

Was Korekiyo Shinguji Innocent?

!tw: lots of abuse topics !!This is very long but there’s a TLDR at the bottom !!!Danganronpa spoilers ahead for V3 (obviously)

Cough oh shit look at that, discourse which no one cares about because I’m irrelevant.

No but seriously, I want to make this perfectly clear before I begin, I am writing this while throwing away my biases and being as open-minded as I always try to be. This is going to be an incredibly long post about what people think about Korekiyo Shinguji, and that reasons for disliking him isn’t as shallow as just disapproving of the actions he took in the game. If you’re interested about what I have to say, click keep reading, if you just want a shorter version of what I meant there’s a TLDR at the bottom.

Oh wow you actually clicked it? Wait, wait, gotta keep this professional. So I’ll be splitting the topics around Korekiyo as; Storyline, Character Design and Personality, Fandom’s Backstory Headcanons, The “Main Problem”, and a Conclusion. Remember, you don’t have to read all of it, there’s still a TLDR at the bottom, but thanks for giving this a chance!

Danganronpa V3 Storyline

We are all aware at this point at what happened in V3 regarding Shingucci, and if you aren’t aware, then why are you reading this-

Throughout the first chapter Korekiyo is mostly just neutral and calm throughout everything, but still a little creepy with a few off hand comments about the beauty of humanity. Similar events happen in Chapter 2, calm, not really bothered by his fellow Ultimates no matter how bizarre some of them are. Rather helpful in the trial but still annoyed by Himiko’s insistence on genuine magic and continues to theorise how she could be the culprit, but was still mostly the same even after seeing Kirumi’s undignified exit and execution at the end of the trial. Chapter 3 rolls around and Angie decides to try and resurrect one of our fallen Ultimates, Kiyo decides to hold a seance to communicate with one of the lost spirits as well, but of course this is just a murder plan in disguise to send his sister more “friends”. Angie accidentally walks in on Kiyo mid-saw-cutting and to make sure she couldn’t tell anyone about his plans later on, he hits her over the head then brings her to her own lab, ends her life, and sets up a lock mechanism to lock the lab with the corpse in it.

He continues his seance plan due to ‘not wanting it to go to waste’, and says the next day they should use it to contact Angie. More stuff happens and Kiyo’s pleased with Tenko being such a good candinate to be his sister’s friend, and proceeds to kill her with the plan he originally set up. (While also setting it up so he could almost perfectly pin it on Himiko.) During the trial he’s as composed as ever but as more clues show him towards him being the culprit to both of the murders, he becomes increasingly more erratic, and the tulpa split personality of his sister appearing to calm him, but he eventually admits to being the culprit. After the trial he confesses his reasoning, the incestuous relationship with his older sister who he swore to send 100 (female) friends to after her sickly passing. Obviously, people were going to be disgusted by the incestuous relationship he had with his older sister, but that’s not always the reason people are going to dislike him in the story. 

Korekiyo obviously hadn’t done much in the first two chapters aside from being helpful in the trials, and people don’t particularly like it when characters they like are killed, in Chapter 3 that concerns Angie, Tenko, and Kiyo. Angie was increasingly infuriating towards her demise, with the Student Council and the actions she took for what she wanted with the school, but was still an enjoyable character with her cheery attitude and honestly good intentions. Tenko both is and isn’t quite popular, with her resentment of men (which I won’t get into because that’s another topic entirely) gaining her hate, but her good intentions and wishes for friendship making her a likeable character. Kiyo hadn’t done much to establish his character side from being creepy, calm, and neutral, which doesn’t put much towards liking him if there’s no reason to, that isn’t to say there’s a reason to dislike him, just that there’s not enough events to show him in a highly positive light.

Character Design & Personality

To be perfectly fair, Kiyo’s final design was pretty well made in terms of appearance. By Kodaka taking a combination of multiple sorts of imagery, including underground culture, anthropology, and visual style, made him pleasing to look at aesthetically and in terms of genuine character. People can dislike him but still see his positive points essentially, at least design wise.

His personality is essentially what was previously mentioned, neutral, calm, creepy sometimes, and that’s essentially it. During the third trial he quickly became panicky when it was becoming obvious he had killed both Angie and Tenko (side note: it was extremely obvious he had killed Tenko from the start, Angie was the difficult one) but was calmed down by the ghost of his sister, also claiming he was deeply in love with her with what seemed to be genuine sincerity. There is also the fact that Kiyo felt no guilt for killing all those women to send to his sister, and seemed to consider everyone in the academy his “friends”, indicating he’s unable to understand or care about what other people feel. In the end he finally accepts his defeat and is executed by Monokuma and the later appearance of his sister’s spirit, causing his last expression to be disbelief and horror as both of them banish his spirit to the afterlife. The point of this paragraph is that although I understand why people can like his personality, people are allowed to dislike the kind of person he is by finding him boring, maybe a little annoying, selfish for having no regards for what the other characters felt, and it’s fine, because even if people dislike his personality they can still see why people like his personality.

Fandom’s Backstory Headcanons

Of course to start off with, there’s the canonical backstory of Korekiyo that we were given through FTEs and the storyline.  Kiyo had a sickly older sister who almost constantly required to be in the hospital, since she was lonely without friends Kiyo would spend all of his time with her. One day reading a book about Anthropology with his sister who suggested he could research it, motivating him to become an anthropologist. His sister normally picked most things for him, his hair, tailoring his uniform, and so on. According to Korekiyo, he had an incestuous relationship with her, believing it was truly love with no care of what others thought, although at some point his sister died. Left alone and frustrated he swore to kill and send 100 friends to her since she had none in her lifetime, we’re also able to assume he got somewhere close to that number before his death though. (side note: I personally headcanon that Tenko was the 99th “friend”). While travelling he had been captured and tortured by locals, leading him to hallucinate his sister that calmed him down, which also caused him to form a split personality/tulpa.

Since that’s about all the information we were given, of course it left the fandom theorising and wondering about possibilities. There’s the semi-popular headcanon of Kiyo that he was abused by that sister, of course there’s obvious signs of manipulation in their relationship, telling him how to act, dress, talk, what to do and like and so on. The headcanon is also backed up by canon, which essentially does imply he was manipulated and abused by the sister, as he spent so much time with her that she relied on him.

(Personal Experience Ahead, I don’t mind it if you skip) I tried to force myself to like Kiyo. I really did. I thought that with this idea it does explain his actions better than the canon did. But I couldn’t. I was and still am abused by my older sister for a decade now, emotionally/psychologically, verbally, and physically. Now leaving me medically diagnosed with anxiety (social and generalised), depression, and PTSD. While the fandom seems to say Kiyo had been abused psychologically and some add sexually abused. Abuse is a difficult topic to talk about, even bringing it up in this sense has brought back horrible memories from my life, if you do genuine research or know from experience what that abuse like that is like, it’s fine and I wish the best for you. But please do not just slap “abused” on like a label, like it justifies his actions. I said previously it explains it, not justifies. The “Main Problem”

I’m sure some people would be aware this was coming, if you have knowledge of V3′s full game, simply hearing Kiyo’s name will remind you of the third trial.

Korekiyo’s sister. Implied to be abusive, manipulative, constantly sick, dependant on Kiyo, now deceased, and previously in an incestuous relationship with him. The things Kiyo said about her would obviously throw everyone off, incest is quite revolting, so of course people would dislike him after hearing he was in a relationship with his older sister.

But that does not mean it’s the only reason to dislike Korekiyo.

(Intense) Kiyo fans immediately go to hating on and blaming the canon whenever someone says they dislike him, assuming they’re always referring to the sister relationship for their dislike. That is not always going to be the reason. Yes, the presence of the incestuous relationship is problematic if you want people to like Kiyo, but please don’t always assume it’s because of the third chapter. It’s as simple as having an open conversation, not attacking the creators, the character, or the person you’re disagreeing with, then if you can’t reach a conclusion, just agree to disagree and leave it there.

Conclusion I guess

Obviously most of this was just covering what we already knew, but reminding information is normally necessary for things like this. Did I just waste hours of my time writing an essay on a fictional character? Yes. Do I expect everyone to agree? No. Do I mind? No. Was there a reason to make this? Yeah, kinda. I just want to lay it out there that people are entitled to their own opinions, free speech and all that good shit. So people are allowed to decide whether they like Kiyo or not, just don’t hate them or assume and scream that it’s only because of chapter 3 that they dislike him. Everyone can have an opinion, people like Kiyo for their own reasons, people dislike Kiyo for their own reasons, V3 is done and finished. If you’re still unsatisfied you can go ahead and argue with me, I’ll try to stay level headed and hear you out. 

TLDR: People can have opinions. Kiyo stans don’t always assume it’s because of the sister that people dislike Kiyo, you can say he’s underrated or overrated it doesn’t matter either way, just don’t shove it down people’s throats. You’re all entitled to your own opinions and ideas, as long as you can reach a conclusion together that doesn’t end in hate it should be fine.

Either way, if you read this far I hope you have a good day/night! Stay hydrated, eat some snacks and all that jazz!

[sheepsandcattle]

Chapter 9

“Benders!”

Both of their heads whipped around at once, zeroing in on a group of four men across the street, chuckling among themselves as they walked on.

“You what?” Brandon scowled at first, squaring up his shoulders as he jutted out his chin. “You know what they say, mate; it’s fags that can sniff ‘em out best.”

“Gaydar,” Curly had supplied, giggling mostly for show.

They’d heard it all before, been pushed about a few times for being a bit camp, but they were seventeen and drunk on a Tuesday afternoon and had no reason to take life too seriously. Besides, they’d found a long time ago that carelessness is contagious; most people that would take the piss would end up taking a shine to them if given the chance.

That day didn’t seem like one of those times though, because the poor bloke’s mates were cackling, shoving him playfully to keep him sweet, but he’d gone red in the face and looked over the road at them like he was thinking about crossing it. He’d said, pathetically, “fuck off,” but couldn’t think of much more.

“To be fair, mate, you’re a bit of me, you are,” Curly snorted, pointing across the road, back at him.

The stranger, still glaring as his mates chuckled (at least they knew how to have a laugh), looked like he was about ready to fire a comeback their way, but Curly already had Brandon bent over a bollard as he humped him from behind. Brandon did his best to wriggle away, but was too busy laughing too and couldn’t quite straighten himself out.

“Fucking rank,” the bloke scoffed, then added, “you’re sick,” as he stormed up the street in the other direction while Curly and Brandon stood doubled over, snorting and whooping with laughter as the red-faced wanker stomped off.

***

Curly’s never fancied a bloke in his life. That’s how he knows he’s not gay — and, trust, he’s had plenty of opportunities (mostly since he moved from home, actually) to dabble in all that shit, but it just doesn’t… It’s not…

But then he’s never really fancied a bird before, either and he’s had chances there, too. He’s just always felt a bit too immature to be thinking about getting himself a girlfriend so, honestly, he’s not quite sure what it’s meant to feel like to like someone in that way. All he does know is he hasn’t looked at Jordan and wanted to snog his face off or anything, which he knows is a bloody big part of it.

He can’t really say he looks at Jordan and sees him in any kind of way other than wildly bold and just a bit too cool for him. Maybe that’s all it is though; maybe he’s just chuffed because some fella he thought was cool at a party now seems to quite like him and it’s got him all giddy. But then, he supposes, straight guys don’t go on dates with guys because they ‘seem cool.’

“So you are gay?”

“What? No, I aren’t gay. I don’t want to shag the guy, m’just…” Curly huffs, stunted in thought as he forgets where exactly he was going with it in the first place.

“You’re just…” Lola smiles, amused. He doesn’t know what he just is, but she’s waiting patiently — for his conclusion or for him to find the tabs he’s trying to dig from his inside pocket as he speaks.

They only met tonight, at a party he came to with the sole purpose of dealing then fucking off, but ended up staying until now, 3am, to talk to this lass called Lola about a love life he’s never had but might have soon but also might not because he’s not gay and, in fact, might not ever have because he in’t straight either, so where does that leave him?

“Curious.” He shrugs, satisfied for only a moment before he adds, “about him. Curious about ‘im, not about my… Preference. Or whatever— Where the fuck are my drugs.”

“I told you. I’m sure I saw you sell the whole batch,” she insists for the third time in the past ten minutes. “You should keep better track of your stash, Curly.” She still says it like she’s testing it out, even after never having heard his real name. “Listen, I have these pills. You let me try a line for free, so I’ll share.”

And she does. Fuck knows what she shares, but she does, and Curly loses some time but ultimately ends up sat in the living room as he watches some bloke talk obliviously to his mate as a long, black, thousand-legged creature shines beneath the ceiling light as it scurries out of his right ear and down his face and neck, over his shoulder, down his front, exoskeleton creaking as is bends, down his trouser leg, growing longer and wider as is crawls…

“Fuck me,” he mumbles, reaching blindly to his right to grab Lola’s wrist, get her attention and ask, “what the fuck is coming out of that geezers—“

Lola just laughs, powder pink hair falling into her face as she multiples right there beside him. He’s about to comment on that, but then he’s distracted again anyway, back to the giant insect, and his eyes wider than the black hole in the ground that the creature crawls into before it closes back up again, beige carpet growing back over like ivy.

It’s the shortest but most intense hallucination he’s ever had.

***

“What are you on?” Jeff tries to frown but ends up laughing as Curls plops into the passenger seat of his car.

“I d’know mate. I didn’t ask,” Curly grumbles and buries his head between his legs, shutting his eyes because he’s about three wrong moves away from yoshing in on Jeff’s car mat. “I think I saw Beelzebub.”

Jeff scoffs. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Buckle up.”

“Can’t.” He groans. “I’ve never in my life… esveranced—” Air gets trapped in his throat. ‘No,’ he thinks, ‘no sick in the car,’ and breathes.

“Esver-what?”

“These girls I met tonight,” Curly wines. “She was about fifty of them.”

“I have no idea what—“

He groans, head shaking in his hands. How is Jeff not understanding how mortifying this situation is? “Then this bloke ‘ad a thing in his ear an’ then the floor went. And I looked like a twat.”

His mate chuckles then and says, “well, yeah.”

“Have y’got milk in? I need coffee and maybe a… What’s them things with—“

“Sorry, pal, I may be your cabby but you’re not my lodger tonight. Couch is taken,” Jeff says as the car turns left and Curly falls sideways against the door. “And we thought J was wasted.”

“J,” he repeats and then slowly raises to sit back in his seat. All the streetlights smudge together. “Jordan, J?” Jeff hums and oh God, he can just see it now; Jeff going home and telling Dean about this, Jordan overhearing, all of them getting a right kick out of it. Jordan will never text him then because he’s a weirdo that gets high, has a gay crisis and sees the devil in strangers’ ears. “Don’t tell ‘im I’ve seen the Devil.”

“You got it, pal,” Jeff says.

"No, serious,” he insists as he flails his right arm before something flies out of his sleeve and onto the floor between his feet

“What the hell was that?”

He looks down, feels about until his hand touches plastic and he retrieves a small baggy. “Are you taking the piss,” he scoffs. He knew he never sold a whole batch.

***

“I’m telling you mate, I’ve never known anything like it.” Curly shakes his head, slouched back on the couch as Oscar presents him with a mug of coffee. “It -cheers- it lasted about thirty seconds; monsters; back holes; seeing doubles; everything, and then it was just… Done. Proper creepy.”

“You’re not cut out to be a drug dealer, Curly,” Jules mocks as he spreads out in the recliner. “You don’t have the self-discipline or tolerance.”

Oscar chuckles as he sits beside him on the couch. “Or the stomach for it, if the steps outside have anything to do with you.”

“Better than yoshing in the kitchen sink,” Curls shoots back, and Oscar can’t argue with that because, yep, that was fucking minging and Curly thanks his lucky stars often that it was Oscar and not him that clogged the sink with—

His phone buzzes as Jules goes on a rant about said sink fiasco, suddenly reliving the fury of that night, and Oscar has to defend himself all over again.

Curls digs his phone from his pocket, just glances at first to see— Fuck sake.

Jordan.

He knew that dickhead wouldn’t be able to keep his mouth shut and, although his dramatics left with the contents of his stomach last night meaning he’s not so convinced now that Jordan would cut him off over his drug-induced (un)holy experience, he’s positive he’s not going to enjoy reading whatever punchline the guy has about Curly’s antics. He’s heard how brutal Jordan can be.

15:24 - guess i’m texting first - game over

Oh. Oh, okay. Curly can feel himself grinning already, shit, and has to excuse himself to his bedroom because he can feel Oscar frowning over his shoulder and needs a minute to just… Smile like a twat. He perches on the edge of his bed, tries to think of something exciting to say but his mind is blank.

15:25 - youre a good sport

Is that funny or rude? Both? None? Should he have said ‘lol’ or is that not cool anymore? What if—

15:25 - 2 questions

Okay, fast replies. Curly likes that but also kinda needs time to gather his thoughts because apparently Jordan is even cool over text and he needs to work out how to match that and how not to make it obvious that he’s usually the type to use text-talk and excessive smileys.

15:27 - just no maths pls

15:28 - deal. 15:28 - 1. will you be free at 7pm friday?

15:31 - yep thats good for me!

“Curly your coffee,” Oscar calls through the door.

“In a minute,” he shouts back, maybe a little too harshly, but he’s too busy stressing over whether or not exclamation marks are stupid. “Sorry, just. Hang on.”

15:32 - cool 15:32 - 2. will beelzebub be free at 7pm friday? :(

Heat rushes to his face before he ever reads past ‘Beelzebub’ and he physically slams his phone into his mattress as he groans.

“Curls? You good? You sound like a dying—“

“I’m fine,” Curly groans as he lays back on top of the sheets. “I’ll be back out in a second,” he adds and feels for his phone.

15:35 - jeff will die.

[twdmusicboxmystery]

AK’s Script Notes and Why I Love Them!

Okay, I’ve gotten some questions about this the past week and people asking me to post about it. This actually came out before last Sunday’s episode, so I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to address it. (Life is crazy and all that jive.)

So some of Angela Kang’s notes came out from episode 1. Unfortunately, they’ve lit a fire under a certain dark ship who are now on a mission, and I know people are a little disturbed by it.

So, for anyone who hasn’t seen it, what surfaced were AK’s notes on the scene they released as a sneak peek for episode 1. The one where Daryl and Carol are talking and he says Ezekiel is corny, but he’s happy for her, etc.

I want to start by saying that my FB group actually talked about this scene and reached several conclusions long before AK’s notes came out. Because it was a sneak peek for the premiere, we had this scene broken down, analyzed to death and had practically written dissertations on it before it even aired. (Hehe.)

And I remember us specifically talking about whether there was a jealous factor involved. We decided that there was, but not in the way most people would think. We thought Daryl WAS jealous of Carol and Ezekiel, but not because he’s in love with Carol and wants her to be with him. Obviously. It’s because he’s jealous of what they have. He’s lonely and has never found happiness with a romantic partner.

I think some of his bitterness about Ezekiel’s “corniness” comes from the fact that Daryl never got to have this with Beth. I can see his thought process being a little bit spiteful like, “How come THIS guy who’s so corny gets this happiness and I don’t?”

So again, my group figured all this out before episode 1 aired. In it’s purest form, his jealousy is really more about Beth than Carol. And, perhaps even more to the point, about himself and his own loneliness. At this point, he’s seen SO many couples around him in the people he cares about: Glaggie, Richonne, Rosita/Abraham, Sashraham, Tara/Denise, Aaron/Eric, and now Carzekiel. I’m sure it’s on his mind a lot.

So these notes of AK’s surfaced and one word that people are zeroing in on is “Jealousy.” Naturally, it has a certain shipping fandom screaming from the rooftops that “C@ryl is endgame.” You just have to understand that they’re misinterpreting her notes

While it doesn’t define what she means by jealousy, that didn’t bother any of us because we already knew that and what it meant. If you break down the scene in conjunction with both Daryl’s and Carol’s long-term arcs, its very apparent what the jealousy refers to.

But if you want more proof, check out the word next to jealous that those shippers are completely ignoring and just pretending isn’t there:

Saudade. 

Saudade is a word that exists in Portuguese and Galicican, but doesn’t have a direct translation into English. As you can see from Angela’s notes, it means “a feeling of nostalgia or melancholy; longing for someone or something you love that’s gone.

THIS is what Daryl is feeling in this scene. And he’s never lost Carol. She’s never been gone (although she has tried to abandon him a few times). I know the shippers are trying to say it means he’s lost his chance to be with her or some such nonsense, but think about what’s been said in the show.

Then @bluesandbeth sent me THIS LINK, which describes what saudade means. Look at what is written here, guys. Everything about it screams Beth and nothing in here sounds remotely like Carol’s arc or character:

“…a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves…the object of longing might never return…”

“Stronger forms of saudade might be felt toward people and things whose whereabouts are unknown, such as a lost lover, or a family member who has gone missing, moved away, separated, or died.”

Beth anyone? Missing girl theme, anyone? Carol has never fit ANY of these descriptions. But it goes on:

“Saudade was once described as ‘the love that remains’ after someone is gone.” 

“…the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again. (emphasis mine). It can be described as emptiness, like someone…that should be there in a particular moment is missing, and the individual feels this absence.”

See what I mean? For me, this is absolute confirmation from AK that Daryl is still thinking about Beth and it’s her loss still making him sad. (Thank you, Angela!)

Furthermore, in terms of basic logic, they would not send something like this out to fans (apparently it was part of the TWD drop box) that would have spoilers in it. So that ship saying this came out to hint that Caryl is about to go canon is kinda ridiculous. They wouldn’t be that obvious or put spoilers in the drop box.

I believe they included this to give us insight into Daryl’s loneliness. They wanted us to understand how Daryl is feeling during this scene. (Naturally some people are twisting it around to fit their own theories.) With that in mind, let’s look at some of these other notes because they really are fascinating.

Starting at the top, Angela’s notes say, (next to the line where Carol puts out his cigarette and says, “These things’ll kill you.”

“Want the sense of shared history between them, honest in a way they can’t be with anyone else; it’s 2 a.m. after the bar closed down, sitting on the hood of a car.”

So establishing their history and the fact that they’re BFFs. We already know all that, but AK was noting that she really wanted it to come through in the scene, which I think it did.

Below that from “snore fancy” through “corny” it says:

“Daryl – buried jealousy of Zeke but knows he’s not a bad guy. – King persona so counter to Daryl’s personality.”

It’s that last part that’s super-interesting to me. I already addressed the jealousy, but it specifically says that Daryl has the opposite of a king’s persona. Yeah, I could go off on volumes of tangents about this. I won’t, but here’s a few things to consider:

1. Daryl doesn’t consider himself a king. He considers himself something between humble subject and not-deserving-of-anything.

2. Maybe some of his jealousy/bitterness stems from the fact that he IS so opposite of Zeke. Like he thinks he’s undeserving BECAUSE he’s not at all like that.

3. It also goes to show that he and Carol both need someone as a romantic partner that is utterly unlike them. We’ve said it a million times: these two are ridiculously similar. That’s why they’r besties. But also why they wouldn’t make good romantic partners. They both have way too much of a predilection toward falling into darkness. Beth may not have a “king persona” (though we all know she’s the Queen of Diamonds) but her personality is VERY similar to Zeke’s, which is why she’s good for Daryl and Ezekiel is good for Carol.

Okay, you get the idea. Let’s move on.

Next, Carol’s line about how after what she went through with Ed, corny is really nice, is circled. Angela’s note says, “the heart of the deal for Carol – she’s probably never said this to anyone else.”

So once again, she can talk to Daryl about things she doesn’t talk to anyone else about. But I like that AK calls this the “heart” of the scene for Carol. This tells us a lot about the relationship from Carol’s side. She’s telling us why she’s with Zeke, why she wants to be with him, why she values his love so much. And Daryl understands not only because he knows her first husband abused her, but because he’s been the object of abuse himself. So he gets it. (Which is what it says one line down in the script: Daryl nods. He gets it.)

Finally, the part where Daryl says he’s glad and happy for her and she deserves it, AK’s note says:

“Vulnerable; heart of Daryl’s problem…wants things to be…they were but they’re not and he’s struggling with that.”

This is something Daryl’s says later to Rick in episode 1: he wants things to go back to how they were in the beginning with just their small group. He’s nostalgic for the prison and the fulfillment he felt there, but obviously, “you can’t go back.”

So yeah. That’s about all I have to say about this. Don’t let other shippers freak you out. They’re gonna say what they’re gonna say, and believe what they’re gonna believe and that’s their right. Keep in mind, they said the same thing about 5x06, because it was about Daryl and Carol running around Atlanta together. Nothing. They said it about their cabin scenes in 7x10. Nope. It won’t be any more true now than at any other time they’ve said it. The show, the show runners, and the actors have told us again and again that Carol and Daryl’s relationship is platonic.

In fact…okay this is a different ship and I’m sorry to mix them, but I was glancing back through Asks that I answered prior to 9x01 airing, and I received and answered a LOT of worried Anons about the Darsita ship. The Darsita shippers were really laying it on thick at that time about how that ship would go canon this season. 

Again, I’m a ship and let ship sort of person, but all their theories have already been pretty much disproved. We don’t know what will happen the rest of the season, of course, but we already know Rosita is with FG and spoilers tell us she’ll cheat on him…but not with Daryl. So please don’t let the shippers freak you out.

Yes, we’re shippers too and I’m sure they say similar things to this about us, but we’re also the only ones I know of that pay attention to actual symbolism in the show and listen closely to what tptb and others involved in the production actually tell us.

And then there’s that shot of Beth lying beside Daryl in Rick’s hallucination in 9x05. Just saying. ;D

[caskit2]

Gorillaz Analysis

Caskit’s not ready to throw all their cards on the table but the time has come!!! 

Okay then, I had to think long and hard about what I wanted to talk about here with Gorillaz cause DAMN!! 

I love gorillaz, 

I love the characters 

damon is a gift that we just dont deserve 

But how did I end up in the fandom pool? 

Well for one, I have heard of gorillaz music back in middleschool but at the time I was busy with Invader Zim and Inuyasha as well as jumping into this band wagon as well  (Full metal Alchemist) 

so by the time I turned to look at Gorillaz was when phase 3 was JUST wrapping up and making way for phase 4. which means I jumped into a fandom that had characters that I knew NOTHING ABOUT. Do you know what that means?

It means I also had no understanding or knowledge of why people shipped “this or that” in the fandom, but I gained some intel on the characters and the growing plot of the story, but other than that, I didnt understand why I was drawn to a particular “ship” in the fandom.  

*actual expression made, im not joking*

Once upon a time, caskit discovered 2doc and was not surprised that this was a ship. I have seen similar stuff that has a common theme that i was drawn to at the time. I was more interested in why fans ship them so I dived in head first into the boiling lava and came to a conclusion.,.....

I dont see them as able (capable?) of ever ending up in the way that most 2doc shippers would pick. The two are chaotic on levels of different tiers of “weird and gross” and I dont really have a reason as to why i was drawn to the ship, but It made me want to analyse what exactly a stable relationship is!

I basically walked around in that area of the fandom and didnt really form any “attachment” to it. I never really experienced a “healthy relationship”, lived in childhood and teen years were I went through life avoiding relationships. So I didnt have a good start, but I knew eventually that I would have to explain myself. 

I feel bad that I wouldnt be able to give a solid answer to what makes me want to sit down and analyse any scenario that has “present abuse undertones” but I know that in the past and how I grew up with what I was exposed to...That I would come to realize how unhealthy it is just for me. 

This post isnt particularly about 2doc itself, but its more about discussing how I handled MY reaction to something that I have seen over and over. In a way, I could see those abusive tones that were present.

Basically Caskit never experienced good healthy relationships and decided that it was a good idea to use gorillaz as a processing strategy....not a good idea in the end cause...OOOHHHHHHH 

It confused me more than before!!! 

I got friends that tag their stuff, and I dont really get so bothered with peoples own opinions, cause I was more worried about how I would come to understand everything. 

When I think about how fans are dividing and putting up a wall to keep “haters outa my yard”  it usually has to deal with shipping stuff, and character hating. And I guess I was confused about everyone’s perception of the characters.

Talking about the characters, I dont have a “least favorite to most” cause I have specific connections to them in different ways. 

I can find similarities to noodle for the expectations she had in a band at age 10 and growing up (plus we are both gays that dont like to publicly talk about relationships) 

I connect with Russel cause I lost a piece of myself  after a paranormal encounter and 3 near death experiences and suffer hallucinations. His protective demeanor to little noodle clicked with me. I see him as the Heart and soul, dedicated and warm friendly guy. ( you mean a decent human being right?)

I relate to 2d in a way that I share his enthusiasm, and mad bravery to live with the same guy who ran him over and caused 2 accidents that are permanent. 

I relate to murdoc in a weird way...  His childhood hits too close to home for me, as a CSA survivor of 2 incidents, pain addict and victim of abuse, draws similarities. But there were things that he has done that match things to my past like the abusive father, and dwelling on the darker aspect of a bittersweet reality. I was expressing physical violence to “show affection” and was never called out for it. I was not just a victim, I was also the abuser and since it was something that murdoc is faced with, is why I hated him. He is (for me) the thing I hate about myself. 

When I saw more and more fans hating on murdoc I wondered if people would ever think I was the same as him. Fans didnt like the way he treated 2d  and the rest of the band, And I agreed. Fans hated him for lying and causing drama and I agreed.  

His ignorance was a comedy slapstick (dressing in a nazi uniform cause he thought it “looked cool” despite russel telling him that its not a good idea) and was seen as the “crazy hooligan that has delusional dreams of fame”  and it bothered me that jamie used this to cover up allot of obvious issues that needed to be addressed. and the way that the fandom treated him made me think about how I would be accused of being like him. 

(thank goodness I didnt cause a car accident and have to sell my soul to satan for a shot at fame with a kickass band and didnt make uncomfortable sexual jokes or ignore others that tried to help me.) 

I can separate what justifies the hate on murdoc when it comes to abuse and causing shit to go down. becuase I did those things in the past, but it didnt take me more than a decade or more to realize that what I did was wrong! I didnt take forever to change for the better. so Im frustrated at him for taking so long to turn around and go “holly fuck im a bastard! I should probably fix that” 

Yeah NyOO ShiTT HunnayYY!! 

I dont hate him for being an idiot, I hate that he symbolizes all things wrong about me that never got closure! 

him admitting to being the cause of 2d’s social anxiety and eye damage as well as the abuse is easier said than done! but the fact that he is letting everything out of the “in-denial basket” is nice for me to see, cause right now Healing and progression in closure to issues of trauma is what is important to me. 

The endgame for my perspective on 2d and murdocs relationship is this: 

I dont want to ship them

I dont even see it as a thing regardless of character development and both guys working through their own shit themselves. 

I am not the best person to explain what a toxic or abusive relationship can be. 

Why? becuase I lived through it and I was both the victim and abuser to myself  and grew up without a good relationship (and I have a fear of positive affection) so I dont enjoy going through the same pattern as before where i shipped abuse in the past as a “dumb 13 year old weeboo” 

I dont view their relationship as romantic, or platonic, or healthy. 

I just want the boys to enjoy their own character growth individually. 

I would like to eventually see a friendship with them But I’ll be more excited if instead the whole band eventually gain a healthy relationship with everyone.  

Year 2018 marks the year I jumped in head first into gorillaz as a blind fruit bat 

(I call it the year caskit played with fire) for cosplaying ‘murdoc fuckn wrinkles’ at a convention around the time the fandom was yelling at him and jamming to 2d’s album. 

Caskit jumped into the shipping lava all for Behavioral analyzing and hopped over fences to see other fans perspectives of characters they liked and hated just to make sure Caskit could understand the illuminati that is Gorillaz. 

I made friends all over the fandom, and thanks to a few people, I gained more confidence to push my art skills and create some kickass art of Gorillaz. 

And yeah I yap yap about murdoc ( looks over @russelhusselhobbs im sorry you put up with my bullshit) but remember peeps. 

I like hearing about the others and have gotten more into 2d’s character as well as Jumping over the fence to go hang out with russel fans and listen to fangirling from friends and just trying to be a freakn fairy godmother and deliver some good representing art. 

And for those who aren’t aware, my past artwork is probably gonna float around so if its signed as Caskit or Caskit19 then its mine and if you see my old 2doc stuff.....,

for the trigger. 

But YEAHHHHHH!!! I wanted to throw all this on the table. and I dont know how to feel about that...(I swear my friend jokes with “need some feel good inc for Caskit” ) Kinda contemplating my choice between sticking my head into a hornets nest or jumping into a dark water trench.... the hornets nest sounds less likely to give me a seizure induced panic attack so ill go for that. ( I have a tolerance for inflicted pain so no you cant hurt me by using violence cause I dont have any consideration for myself and my safety)  

But yeah now I can get back to drawing fun stuff. (hopefuly caskit wont have to bore you guys with stupid shit ever again! xD) 

[opalesenses]

Erik’s Theory of Happiness — prelude

So... this is actually my first fic series ever that I’m publishing on here 😅 I’d been plagued with writer’s block for? lord knows how long? let’s just say it’s been a minute since I’ve even written remotely anything close to a short story lmao! So my writing’s a lil rusty! (i’ve scrapped the prelude like...seven times) But my passion for writing has thankfully rekindled again, and I’m hoping this story allows me a chance to relocate my voice/rhythm! also since this is my first time publishing, if anyone has the time i would love having a beta reader for feedback and the like, i’d appreciate it!

a/n: while eventually there will be small instances of romance (slow burn) in later chapters, i don’t want that deviating from the story’s focal! the premise of this story revolves around Erik’s prolonged stages of grief, a deep exploration of his psyche, and him processing his trauma throughout both his dreams (Wonderland) and reality as he journeys his way towards healing. because of the varying nature of these themes, i will be posting warnings for every chapter. (there’s none for this part!) also, this is the only time first person will be used as the main narrative. 

Characters: Erik Killmonger x black!OC (later chapters), many more important, colorful characters introduced later in the Wonderland sequences (everybody’s blackity black black baby!)

genre: Dark Fantasy 

words: 547 (i promise every chapter beyond this will be MUCH longer) 

warnings:  Just...some symbolism 

synopsis: Still struggling to recover from the emotional trauma of losing his family alongside years of violence and psychological abuse, Erik goes under the care of a psychiatrist who attempts helping him conquer the nightmarish hallucinations still haunting him. By returning to Wonderland, which has gotten worse, Erik must travel through his own mind to discover the truth about who he truly is and save Wonderland in order to heal himself. 

Prelude: Daze

N’Jadaka…

Always remember that you can do anything in your dreams if you try.

You can change your life through your dreams, my son. You possess that kind of sacred power.

Find the key that turns your dreams into reality, and the entire world will open its doors for you.

But, N’Jadaka… be careful.

If you fall too far into your dreams, my son… you may not ever wake up.

…

I am still searching for the key. When I find it, I will save all of us. Together, you, your mother, and I...we will experience our awaited freedom.  

But… if I do not…

I don’t come back, N’Jadaka, then…

I pray that you will find your way and save yourself.

N’Jadaka… my darling son.

I want to see it once more... 

There was once a certain illusion I saw in the mirror I once knew so well. There were a pair of crimson colored eyes accompanied by only their reflection. The two eyes remained still, not once blinking in the short amount of time they had stayed, staring directly at me and no one else but—

...Me.

All I could remember from the day I was born are minimal memories, forged encounters which I have never experienced in my forgotten existence. Recollections that didn’t belong to…Me.

In all honesty… Who am I? To whom do these memories belong, I wonder. They’re certainly not mine, and yet… Here they dwell, inside this small room where I sit.

Ever reminded of these fabricated crimson eyes, which replayed once and again, a thousand times has such a memory been showcased inside this nonsensical mind of mine...

And yet I still can’t reach any conclusion other than… my complete existence has always been, and always will, remain controlled by those same eyes.

Living in this small room, I remember a dream I once had, a tremendously vivid one…

A red carpet had been laid before my feet, guiding me towards a single opening on a darkened wall, one that seemed to advance further and further with every step I took.

In an instant, I was thrown into a world I didn’t know existed.

On the other side of the gap I found a reflection… My reflection.

Standing before me was a little boy dressed in a dark blue jacket, golden chain dangling from his neck. His eyes… eyes swirling with confusion, much less disbelief. Who was this person I had never seen? Could it be…Me?

I recall lifting my hand and touching my own cheek. Such a vivid gesture engraved itself onto my memory. A strange sensation of empowerment filled my soul and body, beaconing a feeling of excitement which led my imagination astray.

I was… not only was I real, I was alive. That little boy reflected in the mirror was me and I could breathe, and live!

Life dwelled inside my body and yet…

As I turned my head to look outside, the same light which had poured into my small room had blinded me once again, abandoning me inside my old room where I...stayed…

Deprived of senses, deprived of a sensation I once knew as “life”... I stayed.

Please… Show me the light…

I want to see it once more, I want to…

… Live.

I know it’s short, but please let me know what y’all think! Definitely more to come babes! Thanks for reading! xo 

there was only maybe one or two, but there will be several instances of symbolism throughout the story given that it’s an exploration of Erik’s psyche and him exploring his dreams! some are obvious while some are implicit. i’m interested in seeing if you can spot them and your interpretation/thoughts on them! 

tag list: @hanabira @monetisms @sillyfleur @laxu @etherealiss

If you wanna be tagged just let me know!

also just a quick shoutout to just a few bp authors whose prose i admire and love that inspired me to write this in the first place!! @killmongersgurl @princessstevens @muse-of-mbaku  @killmongersaidheyauntie @wakandan-aesthetic @sweettea-and-honeybutter 

[tessatechaitea]

Batman #50

Why is this an anniversary issue? Does DC not know how years work? Or weddings?

Fact: Snickers' vampires grow their canine teeth in the wrong place. No wait. The fact is the artist of this piece is a dolt.

The story begins with Kite Man getting the crap kicked out of him by Batman and Catwoman because Tom King's hard on for Kite Man is legendary. It's so big and thick and veiny! I wonder what part of Kite Man Tom King likes best? Is it the kite part? Or the man part? Batman and Catwoman decide to get married on the blood spot where Kite Man was defeated at the break of day. Because that's when bats and cats are most horny. It might also be the place least likely to have a Joker ruin it. "Isn't it 'the' Joker, Grunion Guy?" you probably aren't now asking. But if you were, I might have to remind you that there are three Jokers in the DC Universe. Nobody has really elaborated on that too much. Maybe nobody was ever meant to. Perhaps it's just an easy way for DC editors to answer huge nerd critics of their comics. Huge Nerd Critic: "How come the Joker wasn't act...." DC Editor: "THERE ARE THREE OF THEM! CHRIST YOU NERDS ARE GETTING ON MY LAST TIT!" Batman finds a judge for the marriage ceremony. His name is Wolfman and he's known as the Raping Judge. Not because he's into rape! That's a terrible thought and nobody should think it. It's because he's named after Marv Wolfman who is totally into rape. Catwoman's witness for the marriage (her and Batman each get to bring one) is Holly Robinson. Not the Holly Robinson of 21 Jumpstreet fame (is she still famous for that? Or is she famous for marrying Barry Sanders?!) but the one that murdered all of those people who Catwoman was blamed for murdering. She has to break her out of Arkham for the experience. Batman should be totally cool with that and definitely won't be thinking, "What the hell?! How many times do I have to tell her, 'No crime! Bad kitty! You're going to be punished for sure!'" Then he'll think about her whip and smirk a bit and think, "Oh yeah. I see why she keeps doing crime now." If you read that last paragraph and began developing a hot take on what I'm not saying around the words I am saying, just stop now. I'm just reporting what Batman was probably thinking. I'm not agreeing with his need to control Catwoman's thoughts and actions! That's all Bruce Wayne, baby! The issue is made up of a lot of pin-ups by various artists. Laid out over the pin-ups are Batman and Catwoman's words. They're probably their vows but since I'm not done reading, that's just a guess. Anyway, the layout, where everything is kind of a mirror of the opposite page, is pure Tom King which probably pissed off all the Tom King haters. "He's just repeating everything in that way that means nothing except he's trying to be smarter than us! Why the fuck does he have to use form?! And tones?! And theme!? What's wrong with Batman punching stuff for eight pages straight?! So obnoxious!" I began this review with the joke that the wedding obviously won't work out. This is comic books. Everybody read that initial paragraph and rolled their eyes and thought, "Yeah. We know this is a huge farce. It's going to end in disaster." But how many of you thought, "Grunion Guy probably really means what he's writing here. The big fag." First off, such language! Come on, imaginary reader. Be better! Second, I did mean it. I do mean it. I really hope that Tom King surprises us and he allows Batman and Catwoman to be happily married. Why not for as long as he's writing this book? Why can't they have part of their middle story be one where they get the joy of being together? Who is that going to harm?! So now you know my secret. No, not that I'm a big fag! Sheesh. You people are terrible. I mean, yeah, that's my secret! But I wouldn't word it that way, you gross jerks. Selina and Bruce have their big wedding kiss in the exact middle of the book which can't be a good sign for how it's going to end. I mean, they haven't had the wedding yet! They just get all dressed up and then meet, right in the middle, right there on the staples (okay, not exactly because the staples come the page before. But I blame an error in the layout of the advertisements. I see what you were trying to do, Tom King. I got you!). The big loving embrace. The big kiss in their wedding finery. The moment they knew was coming. And hopefully not the last moment they were happy. Don't you dare, Tom King, with your shitty mirror image story telling that everybody hates (I mean, not me! Just the dumb critics!), do that mirror thing with this story. Don't you begin hopeful, get to a middle that's the peak of happiness, and then descend into chaos, despair, and destruction! DON'T YOU FUCKING DO IT, TOM KING!

This is the page immediately after the big kiss (and the pin-ups, of course! Every two page spread of story is followed by two pages of pin-ups and wedding vows). Things are already tumbling down the story's climactic peak!

Of course Alfred is Batman's witness. Even Alfred knew it would be him but he was too polite to assume so he still gets emotional when Bruce asks him. Or, rather, casually tells him like it's no big deal. On the subject of the pin-ups: they tell the story of Batman and Catwoman across DC's history. It even feels like, in many cases, they use artists chronologically along the way (there are obvious places where this doesn't hold up. But it, mostly, feels fairly close to the mark). They even eventually get to the New 52 on the roof sex scene, and the recent double date with Clark and Lois. It's really quite sweet. The wedding vows have a lot to do with one partner's thoughts on the other partner's eyes. It's romantic but not in that way that makes me think, "Oh boy! At the end of these vows, they're going to declare their undying love for each other!" The tone feels more like they'll cause me to exclaim, "Oh no! It sounds like they're both reaching the conclusion that maybe they shouldn't get married! But they'll still probably keep up the tradition of fucking on rooftops!" Also, I'm nearing the end and not a single whiff of Batcow. As Selina and Holly head to the wedding, Selina mentions that she's currently writing Batman a letter. So that's what the "vows" have been. Her letter. And Batman's letter to her (I'm assuming on the next page which I have yet to read, he'll confess to Alfred that he's also been working on a letter!). Both of which, as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, seem to be heading to the conclusion that neither one will want to go through with the marriage because they feel it will go against, and possibly change, the very nature of the other person. So. You know. Shit. And so, Selina declares, in her letter, that she can't marry Batman because it will kill him. And Bruce declares in his letter, that maybe he can become somebody happy. Maybe he can change. Which isn't exactly what I expected. I thought they would both agree. So, at least, Tom King surprised me on that level. And, apparently, that was the point since Holly goes back to Arkham to discover Bane and a bunch of other people who have been highlighted in Tom King's run (along with Poorly Shaved Batman. I don't remember if that's somebody or if that's Batman and this is all a hallucination of some kind or maybe Tom King is speaking through Bane or maybe...well, I don't know!). Bane says, "The Bat is broken," (which is a terrific pun that somebody once thought up and now Batman writers can't stop using!). Rating:: I guess giving Batman hope that he can be happy and then taking it away is supposed to break Batman? But isn't the whole point that Batman's unhappiness and grim misery and obsession over justice are the only things keeping him Batman? Won't this devastating loss just make him even more Batmanier?! Or do the members of Batman's rogue's gallery all believe he's going to become a pouting emo baby for the next few months? A total pushover which they can take advantage of?! Anyway, it was a good story well told. The only flaw was that the staples were off by one page. Stupid layout editor! Somebody should fire whoever's job it was to place the ads!

[thegloriouscollectorlady]

Season 8 Speculation and why Beth just might be Sophia 2.0

So I was chatting with some friends in a Facebook group I am part of and talking about the new EW photos that were released  and I happened to stumble upon a very old interview by RK and I had a thought that turned into multiple connections and an idea about where certain character arcs are headed. In particular Daryl and C@rol’s arcs with obvious connections and influences to and by Beth. That little thought turned into a pretty big meta so I am including it under a read more but I am very excited about this because there are some themes that are so strong through this entire story line and Gimple is a master at creating these types of arcs so I think these are anything but a coincidence and I think the endgame here is starting to take shape much like we saw in the beautiful arcs created for other characters like Sasha and Abraham.

               So in order to truly pull this altogether I started way back at the beginning of the story and for C@rol and Daryl that would be when Sophia went missing. The reason I really got thinking about what this meta turned into is because I found an old article where RK is quoted a couple of times. The article was from 2014 and clearly took place right after Alone and before the Grove aired so before the end of S4. In the article Kirkman says two really interesting things. First he is asked questions about Beth and Daryl and the nature of their relationship. He hems and haws about it and gives reasons for what they might be without answering directly but he then goes on to say that he doubts this will all end well for Daryl (Beth has just gone missing in Alone) because Daryl is unlucky in love. Now that was very interesting to me because Kirkman categorically tries to deny that Beth and Daryl are romantic (by the way he never uses age as reason more just things about people having shared experiences and such) but then goes on to say that Daryl will probably remain unlucky in love. So there were two interesting implications here. The first being that while Daryl and Beth were not romantically involved with each other Daryl at least was feeling something deep and that something was probably love or at least those involved with the show knew his feelings were going to turn into love whether that love was ever reciprocated or not. The second piece to this that is very interesting is that the entire article is very dark and Kirkman makes no bones about indicating that this whole thing probably isn’t going to end well (by the way he confirms here that Beth was indeed in the trunk of the car when taken by the Grady cops) but anyway that is highly unusually for the show. Looking back he all but warns the audience where the story line is headed in an almost outright fashion and I am not sure we’ve ever seen something like that from RK or the show before. I find that super curious. The final thing about this article that caught my attention was this is clearly the first place we see mentions of Sophia around Beth. During this article age is never mentioned and relationships are never given for the comparison instead the comparison clearly arises from one particular issue. Beth was kidnapped and had gone missing much like Sophia had gone missing and the implication was that Daryl would go looking for Beth much like he had Sophia.  So this is clearly the birthplace of the Beth equals Sophia idea that Kirkman later uses over and over again ( and mind you remember who sat on the couch with Emily on TTD after Coda . . . none other than Kirkman himself). The overall reason I found this so interesting was because I have seen a lot of debate about Beth’s Grady arc and how it ended and whether those changes were last minute. The reason that is relevant is because if they were it would explain why Emily was told at the last minute (or so we’ve been led to believe) and also it would indicate that maybe there were problems between Emily and people on set. It is VERY clear from this article and the things RK says and the tone that none of the Grady arc or the outcome of the Grady arc was last minute. I daresay that SG and by extension RK knew exactly where Grady was going when S4 was penned by the writers. This article and the things said within it make that very clear.

               So in the past I had seen the article where Kirkman compares Beth to Sophia after Grady and honestly the article was ridiculous because Kirkman says that Daryl loved Beth the same way he loved Sophia. The comparison is ludicrous when examined on the surface just based on the simple facts that the show illustrates for us and I’ve talked about that in the past. This statement always came across as reachy on Kirkman’s part to me and for that reason it always stuck out. Why use Sophia of all characters when there were others who probably would have been a better comparison. Then I stumbled upon this article doing research for something else and it occurred to me that statement by Kirkman post Coda was important. He picked Sophia for a reason because in a way Beth is actually Sophia 2.0 it’s just way more complicated than the surface might indicate. RK is famous for his cryptic speak, misdirection, and confusing statements and he loves to play with his audience. He will even lie on occasion as we’ve seen him admit to in his writers hack notes. But RK always has an angle that he is working when he does this. He is trying to lead the audience to a conclusion either a right one or a wrong one depending on what he is trying to do. So I think it’s highly unlikely that he magically chose Sophia for this comparison and that it was simply a face value thing. Upon examining the overall story line and breaking it down certain key pieces start to come together that are really interesting. Before I start the breakdown of the narrative I want to detour a bit to the EW article and the one particular photo of the banquet that has everyone talking. That photo is part of what got me thinking in this direction and I just want to point out a few things about it. First we have Daryl sitting in a throne dressed all in black. This implies two things. One that he is seated in a power position and two that he is in mourning. He is also apparently pouring out his wine to mourn the dead and holding C@rol’s look at the flowers bouquet. Also Norman’s eyes appear to be almost completely closed while he is being spoon fed by C@rol. The implications here alone are interesting because to be spoon fed by someone is to have them hand you information or things with very little thinking or involvement on your part. Then Norman also has his eyes closed while being fed which indicates trust or blind acceptance. But aside from this C@rol is feeding Daryl with a spoon (apparently of chocolate pudding but I am not really sure that matters or doesn’t matter as we can’t actually see that) and C@rol is also holding Sophia’s doll. She is also wearing a dark blue dress and blue is a color often associated with calm and intelligence. So the props around C@rol and Daryl are mainly synonymous with two particular characters and who would those characters be but Sophia and Beth. So the dolls is clearly Sophia’s and the look at the flowers debacle goes back to C@rol trying to mother Lizzie and Mika in a way different than Sophia ( I will talk about this later) but essentially for Carol these props go back to Sophia. For Daryl he is dressed in black (he has been on the show as well since Beth’s death in S5 and also the other interesting connection for Daryl to black is the yin yang stuff and both him and Beth wearing the mismatched black and white shoes laces which Norman himself even wore to a con once). Then he is pouring out wine for the dead who can’t be there. Alcohol in general is synonymous with Beth and Daryl’s relationship think Still but also Beth broke a wine bottle over the walkers head in Still when Daryl allows her to protect herself (he trusts that she can actually protect herself) so wine in general can be linked to Beth and Daryl’s relationship. Then we have C@rol spoon feeding Daryl and which character linked to Daryl had a spoon? Well that would be Beth when she picked up the very interesting Washington D.C. spoon in Still. So all the props related to C@rol and Daryl go back to two particular characters that have been linked by show creators themselves. After all Beth is actually Sophia 2.0 right? So what might all this mean?

               I think to understand where this arc is actually going we have to go all the way back to the beginning of C@rol and Daryl’s relationship which would have been when Sophia first went missing.  This is truly sort of the beginning of both of these characters arcs. Daryl’s really began when Merle went missing but we begin to understand  what that means to Daryl’s arc through his search for Sophia when he hallucinates Merle. So when this arc begins for each of these characters we have Daryl trying to figure himself out and C@rol doing the same. Daryl achieves two things through his search for Sophia. The first is that he comes to terms with separating himself from Merle. He begins to finally see himself as his own man (the whole point of the hallucination scenes) and we later see this come to fruition when Merle reappears and Daryl refuses to leave TF. The Sophia arc is also important because it shows us something about Daryl. Daryl gravitates first towards C@rol and Sophia because of shared experiences. He understands what it’s like to live in an abusive household. Daryl was Sophia at one point. He even expresses this to Andrea when he talks about being lost in the woods and no one caring enough to come looking for him. He doesn’t want that for Sophia in whom he sees himself so he goes looking for her so that at least someone is trying. I think it’s important to realize that Daryl himself is a little lost at this point and his relentless search for Sophia is as much about finding his own place in this new world as it is about finding her. It’s through his selfless search for Sophia that others in the group begin to see Daryl’s heart and this is his introduction as the protector of the group a role he never relinquishes. That is the importance of the angel wings on his vest that are introduced at this point in the story. Daryl becomes the group’s guardian angel. We can suppose that during this time Daryl also sees in C@rol a lot of his mother. At this point in the story C@rol is weak, weepy, and frozen. She doesn’t even attempt to look for her own child something we know she would do now. Much like Daryl’s own mother froze and gave up and forsook protecting her children C@rol has done this to Sophia and Daryl recognizes that as something he is familiar with.  It’s why he cares so much what happens to Sophia. I believe it’s also why he gives C@rol the Cherokee rose. He is trying to give her strength and encourage her in a way no one did for his own mother. Daryl sees C@rol as a mother figure on one hand because the entire group does ( Tobin even says as much) but also because Daryl sees in her his own mother and he gravitates towards that especially because we learn later how traumatic Daryl’s past really was and how guilty he feels over his mother’s death. Two key symbols we’ve seen a lot of around both Beth and Daryl are fire and alcohol and I don’t think this is a coincidence given that Daryl’s mother died because she got so drunk that she set her own bed on fire. But I digress from the point of the Cherokee rose which I believe is this. The Cherokee rose was intended to help the Cherokee mothers by giving them strength to keep going. The mothers were important to the tribe because it is the mothers who were tasked with ensuring the future of the young a role we’ve certainly seen C@rol in. The rose was intended to help the woman forget their sadness over what was happening to them (their forced exile sort of like how the world was never going to be the same and folks were just figuring that out in S2 of TWD) and it was also intended to give them strength as the plant was sturdy and strong with pickers to protect it defying anything that attempted to destroy it. The woman felt beautiful because of the plant and therefore derived the strength and courage to go on and to protect the young and help the nation to flourish.  Much like Daryl received his wings in S2 a symbol of his future role C@rol received her symbol as well the Cherokee rose and all the symbolism that accompanies it. C@rol is the mother, the strong protector of children, and she is destined to help raise the children to survive in this future world.  That’s why Daryl puts a Cherokee Rose on C@rol’s grave after she is presumed dead at the prison. The homage there is to C@rol herself not to Sophia. The rose is a symbol of C@rol and her role as a strong mother and protector. Since C@rol was actually supposed to die at that point in the story I think the rose also pointed towards her future role in the story and what the writers envisioned for her and why they decided to keep her on the show.

               That being said this is just the beginning of C@rol and Daryl’s arcs. The point where we begin to understand where they are actually headed but as we all know on TWD the path to get where you’re going can be fraught with obstacles and setbacks and we’ve seen that happen over and over for both of these characters. Take C@rol’s arc in S5 and S6 and examine all the setbacks there. If her role was to protect children what happened with Sam was C@rol’s lowest point. Even by the end of S7 she had not yet reached the conclusion of her arc. But I think what the EW article and other hints in the narrative itself are showing is that the conclusion is actually coming. To show that I am going to point out major things in both C@rol and Daryl’s arcs from S4 onward because that is when SG took over. I think it is important to consider previous seasons because I think that is where Gimple got the idea for where this was all going but I think it really starts to take shape in S4. Daryl’s arc starts with him trying to truly find himself and his role within the group and C@rol’s starts with her finding her inner strength and her purpose which is to be the protector of children and to ensure the future of group through those children.

               Now to understand where I am headed with some of this it’s also important to understand C@rol and Beth’s relationship. Because otherwise none of this is going to make sense. C@rol mothered Beth much the same way she does Daryl. Beth didn’t come to story time and learn about knives it was more an adult mother daughter relationship. C@rol was there for Beth when she needed to talk and she helped Beth and gave advice when it came to Judith. This is much the same way a mother might engage with a grown daughter. We see this play out on screen at the prison and it sets up a dynamic where we can see that C@rol cares for Beth greatly and that in return Beth cares for and admires C@rol. There is that interesting scene between Beth and C@rol at the prison where they talk about Daryl and C@rol attempts to help Beth understand why Daryl did what he did. I think that scene is very significant because already there was a dynamic forming between Beth, Daryl, and Judith and their roles with the baby and C@rol is a part of that. But suffice to say the important thing to take away from this is that C@rol cared about Beth deeply and Beth felt the same way in return.

               When S4 begins we see Daryl’s role as group leader and protector beginning to take shape. I think this hints towards his ultimate role in the story but it’s important to recognize that Daryl learns a hard lesson at this point in the story. He learns what it means to be a leader and at the same time what it means to lose people when you are a leader and that blow is softened for him by Beth. This is the beginning of the emotional connection we see between Beth and Daryl.  Beth’s impact on Daryl is all about his leadership of the team that goes to Big Lots but it’s also about Beth’s individual response. Daryl insists on being the one to tell Beth about Zach because that’s what a leader does. They take responsibility but Daryl also sees and recognizes that Beth is extending compassion to him because of his own pain over the situation and that is something that affects Daryl. He sees it and notes it because he later brings it up when he’s angry at her so it’s important to recognize that Daryl notices that Beth’s response to him when he tells her about Zach is not what he was expecting. The reason her response makes such a marked impact on Daryl is because even in her own pain Beth reaches out to him. That is an atypical response from a person who is suffering and it confuses Daryl but it’s also a hallmark of great strength and leadership potential and I think Daryl recognizes that. That’s why later when he is angry and hurting he throws it back at Beth. He’s trying to hurt her and he goes for vulnerabilities and ways to rattle her beliefs about herself.

               But I digress from the point of where this is all going which is to outline the contiguous arcs between Daryl, Beth, and C@rol. So when S4 begins C@rol has very clearly taken on the role of mother to a group of children at the prison. During story time she is actually teaching the children how to defend themselves. C@rol is trying to fulfill the role she is destined for but she has swung too hard in the opposite direction. Whereas the old C@rol was too soft this new C@rol is all hard edges. Her progression to a warrior on the show is pretty gradual and you might miss it if you weren’t paying attention but her emotional change is a pretty marked delineation between before and after. S4 C@rol is all about surviving but she seems to have lost something important and that is what makes surviving worthwhile. When C@rol murders Karen and David she crosses a line and Rick is right to be concerned about that. When survival becomes more important than ones humanity and being compassionate than you are treading a very dangerous line.  The writers choose a very specific situation to illustrate this. There is no black and white here. No maybe C@rol did the right thing. She made the choice to kills sick, helpless, innocent people who had no ability to defend themselves and then she tried to cover it up illustrating that at least on some level she knew she was wrong. The other interesting thing about C@rol’s shift here is the style in which she is trying to teach the children. It is also very hard and emotionless. She has lost all feeling with them. One could argue that her hardness is what actually blinds C@rol to what is going on with Lizzie. If she had been a little more open to the girls talking with her about their feelings then C@rol may have understood more quickly what was really going on with Lizzie. But instead she persists in trying to make them tough and in minimizing how they feel. The other interesting thing symbolically is that when Rick banishes C@rol she ends up at a law office. That has some pretty interesting symbolism if you consider she was banished for essentially murdering two people and she then chooses to shelter in a law office. I think this indicates that eventually C@rol will have to atone for what she’s done. I also think it’s very interesting that within the law office they capture several scenes of C@rol with the scales of justice. I think all of the symbolism together is about atonement but I also think the scales of justice could represent C@rol finding a balance within herself as both a warrior and protector and also a compassionate caregiver to children.

               The prison falls because of the Governor and Daryl escapes with Beth and C@rol who is banished sees the smoke and worried that something is wrong heads back to the prison where she finds Tye with Lizzie, Mika, and Judith. I think the Bethyl fandom has talked exhaustively about why Daryl was paired with Beth when the prison fell. I am not going to go into a lot detail here besides to mention that Beth serves a pretty important purpose to Daryl besides being someone he becomes emotionally attached to. Beth becomes Daryl’s litmus test for all things good in the world. He sees in her love, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, but also justice, optimism, and strength because he recognizes that Beth is strong in a very complicated and nontraditional way but it’s a strength that he admires and I think by Alone wishes to emulate. I think the most important thing to note about Beth and Daryl’s relationship is that she makes him want to be a better person. She makes him believe that he is worthy of that and he’s actively seeking to become the person she believes him to be when they are separated. Examples of this are how he behaves with the Claimers, his willingness to sacrifice himself for Rick and the rest of his family on the road to Terminus, him verbally telling C@rol he thinks you can change, and him picking up the book about child abuse survivors during Consumed.  They say that nothing makes you a better person faster than falling in love with someone. That’s because when you love and admire someone and care deeply for them you want to be the best version of yourself for them.  It’s also true that when you feel loved and accepted you feel brave enough to conquer things that might have seemed insurmountable before because you feel like you have their support and backing.  When you look up articles about this topic you find things like being in love means a person introduces you to things you never before imagined, they motivate you to do better, they are profoundly interesting, they make you feel fulfilled, they make you dream bigger, they help you achieve your goals because they understand how important they are to you, they challenge you, and they make you realize how worthy you really are.  These are the things Beth and Daryl brought out in each other even if they didn’t consciously recognize it. Subtly through actions and examples these concepts are brought to light through Beth and Daryl’s relationship with each other. It’s also important to recognize that C@rol is paired with Tye, Lizzie, Mika, and Judith after the fall of the prison for particular reasons. The first reason was to wrap up C@rol and Tye’s arc. Tye’s overall arc began to take shape with Karen’s death. Everything that follows after is about wrapping up his arc and it all leads to his death in 5X9. Part of that was ensuring that Tye and C@rol had closure about Karen’s death. Them being together allowed for C@rol to confess her crimes and for Tye to offer his forgiveness. She did not accept this forgiveness because she did not feel worthy of it but at this point in the story it was about Tye offering his forgiveness so that he could let go of his pain. I think it’s also important to recognize that it is during this arc with Lizzie and Mika that C@rol begins to process what she has done. When Rick originally banished her C@rol did not feel culpable for her actions. She was angry at what Rick was doing and while I think subconsciously she felt guilt consciously she felt he was wrong. She didn’t even hesitate to rush back to the prison. I think it is after losing Lizzie and Mika and being forgiven by Tye that C@rol begins to understand the magnitude of what she’s done and to feel the weight of it. C@rol is paired with Lizzie and Mika to unfortunately illustrate how C@rol’s hardness leads to the loss of two more young lives. Sophia was lost to C@rol when she was emotionally too soft. Lizzie and Mika were lost to her when she was emotionally too hard and blinded to what was going on in front of her.

               So Daryl is separated from Beth and C@rol losses Lizzie and Mika and the group is brought back together at Terminus. C@rol rescues the group and returns Judith to Rick and it’s clear that even though Rick has now forgiven her that C@rol, finally feeling the weight of what she’s actually done, can’t forgive herself. She attempts to leave the group because of those feelings leading her to be in the same place as Daryl when the car with the cross goes by them. Now it’s important to recognize that C@rol attempting to run away from her feelings and guilt is what leads Daryl to track her down and even see the car with the cross on it. Daryl has been actively concerned about Beth and talking about her since she disappeared in Alone but his first real clue about how to locate her since blindly running after her comes through C@rol. But it comes as C@rol is trying to escape her family.

               When Daryl goes after the car with the cross this is where the Sophia parallels kick in. It has nothing to do with why Daryl is motivated to go after Beth. Daryl’s motivation is clear here the parallels are more about C@rol’s involvement and the circumstances themselves. It’s also rather interesting when you consider that a Greene was chosen for this scenario when it was Herschel who was responsible for this scenario the first time around.  It sort of brings everything a bit full circle in an odd way. Before I talk about the parallels and anti-parallels of Beth and Sophia I just want to briefly talk about why it’s important that C@rol is on this rescue mission to try to save Beth. The reason that’s important is because when Sophia went missing C@rol did nothing to try to save her. It was Daryl who went out searching for Sophia relentlessly and who never gave up hope. Now in this second scenario things have flipped a little bit. The missing girl is important to not just C@rol but to Daryl as well and C@rol goes with Daryl to try to save her.

               Now quickly before I continue this I want to examine what we know about the similarities and differences in Beth and Sophia’s disappearances.  I think the first thing we need to recognize is that the dead were responsible for Sophia’s disappearance where the living were responsible for Beth’s. Sophia ran away out of fear and Beth was taken against her will. Sophia was most likely bitten right after running away and was dead pretty much right after having disappeared whereas Beth was alive and fighting while separated from TF. It’s Glenn that eventually leads TF to discover what happened to Sophia whereas Glenn and Maggie are off on an obscure mission when it’s discovered what happened to Beth. Violence is used to discover Sophia’s whereabouts (Shane going all psycho) whereas Tye suggest a peaceful exchange to get Beth back. When Sophia comes out of the barn she is already dead whereas when TF sees Beth she is very much alive. Rick shoots Sophia in the head and Rick’s crazy stunt with Officer Bob is why the prisoner exchange is short in the Grady hallway. Interestingly enough Rick shoots Officer Bob in the head. Rick’s actions, shooting Officer Bob in the head, in a way lead to Beth being shot in the head. When Sophia is revealed Daryl comforts C@rol when Beth is shot C@rol steps forward and puts her hand on Daryl’s shoulder as he begins to breakdown. But here are some other interesting ideas to consider. Sophia was a walker and she was put down by being shot in the head and a funeral was held and she was buried.  Beth was alive and was shot in the head and we were never shown a funeral and here’s the real kicker. . . in 5X10 Maggie and Glenn find a Beth look alike walker in the trunk of a car and Maggie freaks out. That is something to consider. Why was Maggie so thrown by seeing this? Beth was never a walker and if she truly died when she was shot in the head she never could have become a walker. So what prompted Maggie to behave in this manner when her sister should have been confirmed dead and buried at this point in the story? She should be comforted to know that Beth will never have that fate. But instead she absolutely freaks out upon seeing the walker in the trunk.

               I think it’s also important to recognize that when Sophia went missing C@rol was unable to look for her because she was frozen by her fear. During the situation with Beth C@rol is unable to help because she is incapacitated physically from being hit by a car. But it’s no coincidence that C@rol is included in this story with Daryl. C@rol was unable to save her own daughter but Beth is like a surrogate daughter to her and she tries to save her as well. Instead she is grievously wounded, it is Beth that saves her, and she is forced to watch as someone she loves and cares for is gunned down in front of her. Not only does this hurt C@rol deeply but she has to watch Daryl someone else she also cares for deeply as he suffers tremendously over this loss.

               We are led to understand how deeply this loss has hurt C@rol when she gives Daryl Beth’s knife. She tells him that she thinks Beth saved her and she talks about how she thinks Beth saved him too. The unspoken meaning here however is that C@rol is referencing emotional salvation with Daryl. I think it became clear and that she began to understand how Beth emotionally saved Daryl during Consumed and that’s what she is referencing during that scene where she clearly seems to understand that Beth saved her life while at Grady. She is saying that Beth physically saved her and the she saved Daryl emotionally which is why he had changed so much. After losing Sophia and not being able to save her this second loss must weigh heavily on C@rol. She understands what Beth meant to Daryl and she was unable to save her after what Beth had done for her. I think this is where C@rol begins to question her own worthiness and its where her guilt begins to eat her alive. It’s why C@rol tells Daryl that she can’t let herself feel it as she walks away from him. Because she knows that if she does it will tear her apart and she’s desperately trying to tamp down those feelings. By giving Daryl Beth’s knife she is trying to atone in whatever way possibly for what happened to her. It doesn’t bring Beth back but it gives Daryl something to hold onto and C@rol recognizes that he needs that. This gesture also plays into the you need to feel it and I can’t line that C@rol utters. She understands that Daryl needs a talisman. That he needs to feel his pain and loss over Beth and he needs to hang onto her memory to stay strong or he will fall apart whereas her way of coping is to bury her feelings and push them all away. I think watching Daryl fall apart is also deeply painful to C@rol because she cares about him so much and while she never utters it on the show I think her actions show that she wishes she were the one to die at Grady. The Same Boat brings a lot of these feelings to the surface for C@rol. She is trapped in yet another impossible situation with a Greene girl and she is desperate for a different outcome. It is clear that C@rol would have done just about anything in that episode to save Maggie and Maggie’s baby including sacrificing her own life if it came down to that.

               When C@rol and Daryl arrive at the ASZ their arcs continue to develop. C@rol does some rather interesting things as she begins to play a rather elaborate rouse on the people who live in Alexandria and she pulls it off. She manipulates the people who live there and even some of her own people in order to make certain things happen. However the one interesting thing is that while this is going on even while wearing this rather emotionless façade C@rol feels for Sam. She sees in him and Jesse herself and Sophia and even though there are cracks in her façade and she is clearly feeling things for them and trying to help them she also keeps them at arm’s length. She is so afraid of getting attached to another child the she tries to scare Sam away from her and in doing so she tells him a story that leads to his death. It’s rather tragic on a grand scale if you consider what really happened between Sam and C@rol and the way that poor child died. It’s also clear that the circumstances aren’t lost on C@rol. Not only did Sam die but Jesse did as well and C@rol begins to understand what might have happened to her after Sophia’s death if she couldn’t let go of her child. The thing is that at this point in the story C@rol hasn’t let Sophia go and I think she recognizes that. Jesse’s inability to physically let go of Sam led to her death whereas I think C@rol is beginning to understand that her emotional inability to let go of Sophia (her original and deepest loss) is contributing to her own very slow decline and eventual death. Lizzie and Mika were part of this decline and so was Beth because not only did she fail to save Beth but she failed to save Beth after Beth saved her. It is an unpaid debt that C@rol doesn’t feel worthy of.

               As C@rol spirals out of control Daryl is having his own long slow slide into despair. He starts out trying very valiantly to hang onto Beth and the things she taught him but we see pieces of him chipped away one at a time. Daryl’s relationship with Denise was very much about Beth. What drew Daryl to Denise in the first place was that he saw bits and pieces of Beth in her. Symbolically this is important to the story because of Dwight and this is why. Daryl began to care for Beth deeply during their time alone together. It was those feelings that blinded him to the danger outside the funeral home. The dog was a ploy used to show us cautious Daryl who carefully checks the situation and the door and emotionally blinded Daryl who is so distracted by what he is feeling for Beth and how to explain that to her that he blindly opens the door and lets in a horde of walkers. That behavior directly leads to Beth being taken and in Daryl’s mind there is no way he doesn’t blame himself for that and her subsequent death as a result of it. If he hadn’t been feeling what he was feeling for her than he wouldn’t have dropped his guard. Fast forward to Always Accountable in S6 and recognize that this is the tantamount fulfillment of Daryl trying to carryout Beth’s legacy. The episode is rife with reminders and callbacks to Beth because it’s intended to illustrate that this is where Daryl tries to honor his love for Beth. It’s also rather interesting that in the episode that introduces Dwight and Sherry we are shown an Easter egg involving the Cherokee Rose.  A lot has been made of this but I’ve come to believe it simply symbolizes how inextricably C@rol’s arc is linked to Beth and Daryl’s. This episode is a major callback to Beth and it’s laying all the ground work for what is to come between Daryl and Dwight and I think the rose is intended to symbolize that C@rol’s arc will eventually resolve within this storyline as well. It’s an Easter egg portending that. So in attempting to honor Beth Daryl is taken advantage of. His offer of help is rebuffed and he is robbed of key elements of his persona including his bike and his bow.  This is all symbolic of Daryl losing pieces of himself as he tries to navigate the world around him. It’s symbolic of the writers breaking Daryl’s character down before trying to rebuild him as something other than what he was. We are to understand the role Beth plays in this through things like what happens in Always Accountable, through Daryl refusing to want to listen to music while in the vehicle with Rick (it reminds him of Beth singing), and through Denise’s death. The most tragic part of Denise’s death is that much like Beth’s Daryl feels responsible for it because he tried to let himself feel things. His feelings for Beth cause him to misjudge who Dwight and Sherry are and to lose his bow. Dwight even uses Daryl’s bow to kill Denise and tells him he actually meant to kill him. Whether he did or not Daryl most likely believes it to be the case. He believes he should have died instead of Denise and I hazard to guess that if he could go back and trade his life for Beth’s he would. But the tragedy here is that Daryl probably links good feelings to bad things happening to him.

               The rock bottom of both C@rol and Daryl’s arcs come at about the same time. For C@rol her slow spiral into despair culminates in her finally leaving TF behind as she’s been trying to do since S5 began. The emotions she is no longer able to suppress torment her until she tries to run away from them. It’s rather interesting that it’s Morgan who goes after her because at this point in time his life philosophy of not killing and all life is precious is the exact opposite of how C@rol has been living. They are completely opposite ends of the spectrum and I think that’s the point. Then they both land at the Kingdom with King Ezekiel and I think that is loaded with meaning as well. King Ezekiel is C@rol’s kindred spirit. His don’t bullshit a bull shitter line is hilarious because he sees right through her and the facades she’s used to successfully fool so many people. They are similar enough to understand each other but different enough to challenge each other. It’s an interesting and compelling dynamic. C@rol reaches rock bottom and finds King Ezekiel and at the same time Daryl reaches rock bottom and finds Beth. When it would be so easy to give up and give in Daryl eventually holds onto himself because of Beth and because of the things she taught him about love and self and family.

               This is where I think Daryl and C@rol’s arcs begin to diverge a bit more obviously. C@rol sequesters herself at the cabin because she is trying to reconcile her actions and the things she has done with who she is now. She’s trying to learn how to live with herself but also to figure out who that person actually is. King Ezekiel is trying to give her that time and I think the rather interesting thing to me is that even though she leaves the cabin C@rol still hasn’t resolved those problems yet. C@rol leaves the cabin because she knows Daryl was lying to her and because it isn’t in her nature to sit by and watch her family suffer when she might be able to help. She is the protector and the mother after all. She might not understand herself completely but she is very much in touch with that part of her personality. So that arc for C@rol is still very much unresolved. She still needs to figure out how to come to terms with her feelings and to reconcile those feelings with who she is. The ultimate pinnacle of this arc will happen when C@rol accepts her role as the mother she was always intended to be and that mother is protective and supportive. She will guide the young of the communities and teach them how to survive in this new world without losing their humanity or sight of why that survival is important. All of C@rol’s life experiences will give her the tools she needs to teach this to the future of society. Just as King Ezekiel is show to have a heart for children this has always been C@rol’s destiny as well and it will bring her full circle to the loss of her own daughter Sophia.  

               So while I think C@rol is very clearly on the upswing of her arc I think Daryl’s is a little more curious because I think he has a few more really hard lessons to learn. S7 went through a lot of elaborate story to parallel Dwight and Daryl and by extension Sherry and Beth. I think why I am most intrigued by what we know so far of S8 is because of how Beth died. Beth “died” at Grady because she couldn’t walk away from what Dawn had done. She couldn’t trust others to handle it. Her need for revenge was so strong that she allowed herself to do something really irrational. She allowed her emotions to take over. That always seemed very out of character for Beth but seeing where the story is going with Daryl it is possible that it was always very intentional. Daryl grabbed ahold of Beth when he needed her most in The Cell but he hasn’t been able to pull himself back from the brink. It appears in S8 that he is going to be hell bent on revenge and so emotionally out of control that he is going to go rouge. Sort of like a certain someone else we know did at Grady. He’s also surrounded himself with others who are as emotionally volatile as he is. Tara and Rosita are both mourning Denise and now Sasha as well. Rosita is also mourning Abe and on top of that Eugene’s perceived betrayal. Dwight is after Negan because of what he did to himself and to Sherry. These are not people that are thinking rationally. These are people that want to hurt others as badly as they are hurting. Daryl has always been emotionally volatile and these are people who will only serve to stoke those emotions not to temper them.

               So the big question here is what happens in S8. We know that S8 will encompass the final fall of Negan and his imprisonment and we can assume given Daryl’s complicated relationship with Dwight that his arc will also resolve this season. So where do Daryl and C@rol go from here. Well let’s start with C@rol.  Her destiny is to become the Cherokee rose. So what major obstacles does she need to overcome to get there? I think we can pinpoint that C@rol’s biggest albatross at this point is her own belief in her worthiness to live. We’ve seen her go so low that she was actually begging to die because she didn’t feel she deserved to live anymore after what she’d done. So the question then is what brings a character full circle from feeling like that.  I think King Ezekiel and Henry ( Ben’s little brother) are C@rol’s happy ever after of sorts or as happily ever after as you can get in the apocalypse but would they be enough to bring C@rol full circle. I don’t think they are just as I don’t think C@rol has gotten over the feelings she was wrestling with at the cabin. It was simply a matter of a greater issue becoming known to her that she couldn’t ignore. So how does C@rol go from believing she isn’t worthy of living to becoming a strong mother figure who shapes youngsters and future apocalyptic society. C@rol is on a redemption arc meaning that she has suffered greatly and overcome many obstacles to make up for the place she allowed herself to go in early season 4. In order for C@rol to experience a true redemption arc she must balance the scales for her original misdeed. That original misdeed of course is the deaths of Karen and David. Now the obvious way for the writers to do this would be to have C@rol sacrifice herself for another character. It’s obvious and we’ve seen this before. It’s how Abraham died. He suffered tremendous guilt over what happened to his family and this was the crux of his whole arc and he finally redeemed himself in the end by willingly sacrificing himself for TF. We’ve even seen C@rol attempt to do this. We can assume she would have traded places with Beth if possible and we saw her lack of care for her own safety during The Same Boat. If her death would have saved Maggie she would have died for her. When giving her own life for someone else’s failed C@rol even taunted a Savior and begged him to kill her for what she had done. While it would make sense for C@rol to give up her own life for her redemption I think narratively it is very unlikely that will happen. The narrative seems to indicate very clearly that C@rol has a different future ahead of her. So in order to C@rol to finally be able to forgive herself she must atone for her original misdeed by saving two lives that would otherwise be lost and to make this arc wrap up in an even neater little bow the saving of these two lives should somehow link back to Sophia and the origin of C@rol’s arc. It is then that C@rol will achieve her true destiny.

               So how does C@rol save two lives and repeat the Sophia arc with a different result finally balancing her scales so that she can have peace. Well Sophia was C@rol’s first attempt at saving a lost daughter, according to Kirkman Beth was C@rol’s second attempt at saving a lost daughter, so the third attempt at saving a lost daughter should be her final act of redemption. During that attempt C@rol should not only save a daughter figure but in doing so she should save not one life but two redeeming herself for taking Karen and David’s lives and recognizing that there was a purpose to Beth saving her life at Grady. I would go as far as to speculate that for this arc to truly be closed C@rol will need to go in to save her daughter figure alone. Daryl has always been trying to save Sophia for C@rol and he’s never able to because it was never his destiny to be the savior. It was always C@rol’s destiny to overcome and be the savior.  With Sophia C@rol let Daryl do the searching, with Beth C@rol went with Daryl but it was Daryl who orchestrated the rescue, with this final daughter C@rol will need to go in on her own and she will finally be able to rescue her daughter once and for all. So speculation like this leads to questions about how a scenario like this could arise. What would narratively have to happen in order for C@rol to be able to achieve this final redemption and if she is destined to just rescue a daughter figure how is she saving not one life but two.

               So this brings me back to Daryl who is a reluctant hero who appears to be about to embark or who may already have embarked on an antihero arc. By definition an anti hero is a reluctant who has a major flaw or foible such as selfishness which creates obstacles to the character becoming a true hero.  The reason I think Daryl may have strayed into anti hero territory is because  his actions since losing his creed (the things Beth taught him) have bordered on irrational and it could be argued at points have been very selfish. When Glenn begged Daryl to go back to Alexandria he should have. His desire to pursue Dwight at that point was purely selfish as there was no real good that could have been derived from it.  It also appears that Daryl will be going rouge this season and possibly pursuing his own agenda over what might be best for the greater good of the group.  All of this puts Daryl more than likely squarely in the category of an anti hero. The good news is that an anti hero typically ends their journey by overcoming obstacles and becoming a fuller, happier, and more complete person.  It could also be argued that Daryl is treading a pretty fine line between a reluctant hero and an anti hero but I think in the end Daryl’s transformation will lead to him becoming a worthy leader. However in order get to his leadership arc Daryl will need to resolve whatever is driving his current irrational behavior. It’s also important to note that TWD is not a big fan of typical heroes. Rick is also very much an anti hero type persona. TWD likes it’s heroes to be complex and to have a lot of depth which I personally prefer. I noted earlier that I considered it important to note that Beth “died” at Grady because she couldn’t let go of her anger and back down from Dawn. The reason I think that is important is because we are now seeing Daryl on a very similar trajectory. The state of mind that led to Beth making the decisions she did at Grady is the same state of mind Daryl is currently stuck in. If something doesn’t bring him out of that mindset Daryl will do something similar to what Beth did.

               I think in order to understand what might pull Daryl out of this mindset it’s important to understand why he is stuck in it to begin with. A lot of articles talk about how Daryl is suffering because of what happened to Glenn and because he feels guilt over that. But the larger question is why did Daryl do what he did causing what happened to Glenn in the first place. In order to understand where Daryl is at in his own head we must go all the way back to S4 after the fall of the prison. At that point in time Daryl was blaming himself and in pain because he truly believed that his family was most likely all dead and that possibly he could have done something to prevent that. Beth reached out and touched a place within Daryl that no other character ever had and for the first time in the series we see a Daryl who is completely happy, at ease, and physically demonstrative with another human being. This is the first time we see Daryl in that way and also quite sadly the last time.  After losing Beth Daryl remains hopeful and present sure that she will be returned to him. It isn’t until she is actually shot at Grady that we see Daryl begin to regress. That regression begins a slow back slide that starts out with Daryl being numb and shut down. He’s present in body but not in mind. When C@rol approaches Daryl about Beth and gives him her knife he begins to feel a little pain. He burns himself with the cigarette to feel physical pain so that he can begin to feel at least something and he uses that to begin to feel his loss. It would be at this point though that I think Daryl begins to bargain with himself. What I mean by that is that Daryl takes a page from Beth’s book and he begins to do something. He fixes the music box for Maggie and after arriving in the ASZ he begins to try to help people by recruiting with Aaron. Daryl is trying to save good people because Beth believed in good people and Daryl desperately needs to believe in something with Beth gone. Unfortunately in trying to save good people Daryl runs into Dwight and Sherry and his interactions with them lead to Denise being killed. That for Daryl would have been the ultimate kick in the gut because his attempts at trying to help good people got a good person killed and in a lot of ways Denise reminded Daryl of Beth. Losing Denise was like losing Beth all over again for Daryl and that’s when we see him begin to slide into a much darker place. I think as he’s burying Denise that Daryl drinks the liquor more to honor Beth than to honor Denise. I think the reason C@rol is so morose in this scene is because she understands that. Daryl never properly mourned Beth and losing a woman who reminded Daryl of Beth brings all that pain back full force. It’s then that Daryl’s anger takes over leading to him refusing to go back to the ASZ when Glenn asks and eventually to Glenn’s death. I believe that Daryl never considered that his outburst would get Glenn killed. I believe he was depressed and so lost at that point that he assumed his outburst would lead to his own death. However Daryl has to reflect about the fact that Glenn begged him to go back to the ASZ and that if he had done so then Glenn may never have been in the Negan line up. So I think Daryl feels guilt over Glenn’s death for two reasons one because if he had listened to Glenn and gone home than Glenn might not have been in the line up and two because Daryl’s outburst is what lead to Glenn’s death.  But it’s also important to understand that Daryl’s current state of mind did not originate from Glenn. Daryl’s current rogue behavior and the behavior he has shown in front of Negan both in 7X1 and 7X3 shows a man who has lost all hope and who doesn’t care if he lives or dies. Those feelings were there within Daryl before Glenn’s death and even killing Negan and avenging Glenn would not make them go away because they are much more complex than that. Those feelings that Daryl is feeling go all the way back to losing Beth. That’s the origin of Daryl falling apart. His continued downward spiral was hastened by losing Denise and then Glenn but the origin of Daryl’s pain comes from losing Beth.

               So the big question for Daryl is how do the writers save him? We know that Beth’s irrational anger towards Dawn led to her being shot and we can assume that Daryl’s similar behavior unchecked will lead to the same result but how can the writers stop that? Daryl could kill Negan to avenge Glenn and kill Dwight to avenge Denise and in the end he would still be left with the hurt and pain that began this awful downward spiral to his own personal hell. Daryl was simply trying to honor Beth when he attempted to help Sherry and Dwight and if he had simply paused after her death to consider that all the pain and heartache that followed might have been avoided. However Daryl was a powder keg waiting to explode and Denise’s death was simply the charge that set him off. Daryl’s pain originates from losing Beth and until the writers have him confront that and deal with it he won’t be able to pull himself from the path he’s currently locked into. Anyone who thinks Daryl will be magically better because he kills Dwight and Negan is deluding themselves because it’s fairly clear that Negan is on a one way trip to Morgan’s cell and Dwight will be on a redemption arc.  So those options are nonexistent and the further interesting thing is TPTB have shown us how Daryl heals from anger and pain. We witnessed that during Still when Beth held Daryl. That was a true catharsis for Daryl and he will only be free of the amount of pain he is feeling when he is able to do that again.  Knowing that we have to consider what circumstances might lead to Daryl being able to experience that catharsis and what characters would be involved in helping him through it. It is difficult to imagine any of the current characters would be able to help Daryl in the same way Beth did. If they could, if they understood how to help him in the way that Beth understood, they would have done so already. No one has because as angry as Daryl is no one understands how to reach him.  In order for Daryl to come to terms with where he is now, being a rouge character, and grow beyond that to the leader he is intended to be he will need to resolve his anger in a similar circumstance to what we already saw in Still otherwise his only path forward at this point is eventual death in circumstances similar to Beth.

               So the fun part to me is to speculate on what is still to come. If C@rol and Daryl’s arc have always been leading to this point and I believe that they have then we can assume through what narrative we’ve seen so far that both of their arcs resolve in S8 along with the resolution of the Saviors and therefore Negan’s arc. So given those parameters and what we know so far how could that happen? How could C@rol save a daughter figure who has gone missing from the group and at the same time save not one life but two finally achieving her redemption? So we have to look at clues in the narrative to understand how this might come about. First of all we can assume that the daughter C@rol rescues is taken by Negan and we can assume that because the resolution of C@rol and Daryl’s arcs should be tied to Negan.  I am also going to go out on a limb here and make a prediction that when C@rol saves her daughter figure the other life she will be saving by doing so is actually Daryl’s. Whoever C@rol saves will be directly involved with the catharsis Daryl needs to undergo to finally purge the pain he has been carrying with him since losing Beth. C@rol and Daryl’s arcs have always been intertwined around this missing girl plot so it only makes sense that they should both experience character arc resolutions because of a missing girl. I would also point out some other clues we saw in the narrative last season. Negan was especially interested in Maggie leading Father Gabriel to even dig a grave for her claiming that she had died so that Negan assumed she was no longer available. While Daryl is at the Sanctuary he is exposed to what Negan does to the woman he takes as his wives. It seems the writers wanted him to understand in particular what happens to these woman. Maybe the writers made Negan especially interested in Maggie so that he could be especially stunned later when he realized she wasn’t dead. Maybe Daryl is exposed to the goings on at the Sanctuary simply so that he could have more empathy for Dwight and Sherry later. Or maybe all those little pieces mean something more. I think it’s also especially interesting that Eugene is currently the only TF member inside the Sanctuary and guess where he was during Grady when everyone else was witnessing Daryl carrying Beth out of the hospital. He was passed out in the firetruck because of Abraham knocking him out in the previous episode. I would also point out that the writers have gone out of their way to create some pretty intricate parallels and anti parallels between Daryl and Beth and Dwight and Sherry. I have a whole separate post where I’ve talked about that.

               So after drawing all the pieces of this story together and outlining how I think S8 might finally resolve once and for all C@rol and Daryl’s arcs I will let each person decide on their own who the missing girl might be. Do I have a head cannon about who the missing girl is and how this might play out? Absolutely but I will let everyone form their own opinion about who the missing girl is. All I will say is that whoever she is she needs to be someone that C@rol regards as a daughter figure and whose rescue will bring about a Still like catharsis for Daryl. That is the only way C@rol and Daryl’s arcs will come to a close.