#but also i could force myself to go to school even if im sick and push thru

[tendebill]

update: i am becoming more and more sick as we speak

[milo-is-rambling]

I miss living with Millie wahhhhh

[battleangel]

I Am Not My Hair

What actually happens if I shave my head bald?

Why cant I see what I look like without hair?

Why do I have to be sick or have cancer or be dying?

Why am I not allowed as a woman to just shave my head?

Why do I need a reason, a justification, an explanation?

Why do I have to justify being hairless?

Why are people acting like Im dying and have cancer just because Im bald?

Nothing happens. Thats the gag.

Youve been taught to fear.

Its just my bald head. Why is that forbidden?

Verboten?

Why cant I ever see what my actual head looks like without all this hair on it?

Why cant I see what my face looks like without it constantly being surrounded by hair?

What if I like being bald?

What if I like not spending $1200+ a year on my hair?

What if I like not styling my hair?

What if I like not doing anything with my hair other than cutting it super short, about an inch or two, every few months?

Why does it threaten people for a woman not to care about her hair?

I dont want to go to a hair salon or barbershop.

I dont want to go back to an afro.

I dont want locs or dreads.

I dont want shaved sides, I already did that last year.

I dont want corn rows or bantu knots, Ive done that too.

I dont want to grow it out.

I dont want a $500 lace front wig.

I dont want a wig professionally installed by a stylist every 2 to 3 months.

I dont want to wash or brush my hair.

I dont want to put any products in my hair.

Why is it a sin for a black woman to not want to grow her hair out?

I dont want my "long beautiful" hair back.

I dont want it halfway down my back again.

I dont want it to my waist again.

I dont want to relax it again -- there are lawsuits against Loreal, black women who used Just For Me and other chemical relaxers to straighten their hair are being diagnosed with cancer, inferitility and fibroids.

The chemicals in a relaxer are strong enough to break down and destroy the natural texture of your curly coiled kinks and force it to be straight -- those same chemicals are also strong enough to literally peel paint off of cars -- why are you putting this directly on your scalp for an hour plus every 2 to 3 months from the time you are a pre-teen or in high school until adulthood, for decades, and thinking that there wont be health issues?

They target products to Black women that kill them.

Remember the little Black girls that sang the R&B pop jingle in the Just For Me commercial?

"Just for me...hair so healthy, silky and free."

Who was that song for?

This was the 90s and there were multiple Black girl groups back then -- TLC, 702, Blaque, Xscape, Jade, Total, MoKenStef, etc. -- they wanted to get us while we were young so we would keep using their products until adulthood. 

I got my first perm, I am 4C, at 11. I was so glad my mother stopped burning me with the hot comb that she had tortured me with since I was 5. Anything was better than that as I had a very sensitive scalp or "tenderheaded" as it is called in our community.

I couldnt wait to go to Touch of Magic salon where my older sister already had her long, silky hair. I was tired of being tortured by a hot ass comb that was constantlu burning my fucking scalp and I was tired of being told to "sit still" while my scalp was being fucking burned. I couldnt wait for the Revlon Fabulaxer so the dreaded golden hot comb could be forever banished from my existence.

From 11 to 34, 23 years, I faithfully got  a relaxer at the salon every 2 to 3 months. It was about $120+ (relaxer, deep condition, style, split ends, color, etc.). Over the years, that fucking adds up, over $100k I spent on my hair. Even when I went natural at 34, my 4c hair is extremely thick, kinky, nappy, unruly and very difficult to deal with. People have literally broken combs trying to comb through it. Needless to say, I couldnt manage anything myself but a wash and go so I spent thousands at the salon as a 4c natural on Senegalese twists, box braids, Bantu knots, corn rows, twist outs, twist updos and flat twists. 

Then I shaved my sides and cut my hair super short and started going to barber shops but I was dyeing it fuschia back then so my hair was still costing me money.

Then last year, I finally just grabbed kitchen scissors out of my kitchen and hacked it myself and decided I was never going to go back to a salon or barbershop.

I was going to cut my hair with kitchen scissors myself every 2 to 3 months. I do like different looks so I have five cheap synthetic shitty wigs that are different colors (blue, blonde, green, black). Depending on the lewk and fit, either I just wear my hair natural and short or I slap a wig on.

But thats it. No maintenance, no upkedp, no hair care routines, no wasting away a Saturday at a salon, no barbershops, no wash and gos, no 15 hour sessions getting braided extensions. 

Just literally cutting it with kitchen scissors every 2 to 3 months and slapping on a cheap shitty wig whenever I have a certain fit or lewk and thats it.

Then in August, I decided to shave my head bald. I didnt want even a few inches of hair anymore so I grabbed my husbands razor and shaved it. Didnt go to a barbershop or stylist. Had no idea how to even use the razor and just shaved it all off in under 10 minutes. I loved the bald look especially with thick ass winged liquid eyeliner, bold dramatic eyeshadow and colorful lipstick.

I have a few inches of growth that in a month or two, I will grab the kitchen scissors again and cut my hair down to an inch or two. Ill do that every few months. I love it bald but even shaving my head on a regular basis is more time than I choose to devote to my hair. Cutting it with scissors to an inch or two every 2 to 3 months is my absolute limit.

As a woman, thats not allowed.

Especially as a Black woman.

And I was raised by a Southern Baptist fundamentalist, so forget about it.

You have to obsess over your hair, products, styling, color, length, look, appearance, texture, curl pattern, thickness, volume, care routines, pre poo, deep conditoning, tea tree oil, diffusing, texturizing, blow out, straightening, relaxing, lace front wig installations, weaves, kanekalon, bundles, braids, twists, locs, dreads, corn rows, bantu knots...

You cant just not do your hair!

Only you can. Because thats exactly what I do.

Even as a Black woman and we are brainwashed to be absolutely obsessed with our hair.

Go back and look at the hysteria India Arie caused when she shaved her "beautiful curls".

Just like India Arie, I am not my hair.

[transboysokka]

pls allow me to make a long life update ramble here bc im sick of irl people not understanding at all

I feel like I have a feel disconnected points to make

People like me aren’t meant to get bachelor’a degrees and we’re DAMN SURE not meant to get master’s

I’m 1000% just in survival mode right now and there’s theoretically a month left to go but idek if I’ll make it that long tbh

It has taken me YEARS to figure out a healthy/sustainable work-life balance that goes with my executive dysfunction but that’s NOT POSSIBLE working full time AND doing a degree

I’ve been feeling guilty for resting at all lately (and probably should) but yet if I don’t my health suffers majorly

It has always been hard for me to get simple things done, but now I can’t even THINK about simple necessary errands like walking to the supermarket or going to get a cell phone number or updating shit at the bank because ALL my energy goes to keeping me and my dog alive, keeping a job, and trying to stay in this program

I have delayed my transition by YEARS to pay for all this which was definitely the wrong call ughhhhh

I worked SO hard all of K-12 to get into a good university, when it came down to it didn’t even want to go, was too depressed to apply to hardly any, chose my best option still not knowing what I wanted to do but forced into it and forced to take out all of these loans when I didn’t even know what they meant.

Ended up never dealing with audhd shit, trauma shit, didn’t know what I was doing with my life, tried to get jobs to pay for school but couldn’t handle class and jobs at the same time so got more depressed until I stopped going to classes altogether and got kicked out

That would have been great for me tbh but I still didn’t know what else to do so I begged them to let me back in which they did and I ended up barely graduating with some pointless major I just chose to get me a degree. And also $80k of student debt I had no way to even comprehend knowing how to use

Didn’t know what to do after that either so I ended up in retail for a couple years before I got a random rare opportunity to get me out of there and doing what I always wanted

Well. I felt like I needed to make up for lost time degree-wise and ended up basically begging myself into this half-shitty program that culminates in this masters. I applied maybe five years ago, waited a little over two to start until I had money to pay for it (this is after fleeing the US and the 80k lmao) and somehow killed the first year of it.

I took another year and a half off trying to figure out the rest of the money which I eventually did and that’s how we end up here. I will hopefully have the degree in October but will still be paying for it the rest of the school year rip

So financially this sacrifice is obviously huge and on one hand I never thought I’d be able to do it so yay me and on the other hand I have NOT been able to pursue v v important trans stuff which I notice and deal with eVERY GODDAmn day thanks AND I will also probably not be able to make my every-18-month visit home next summer with my family which also gODDAMN SUCKS because family was EVERYTHING to me growing up and they’ve all forgotten it and probably think I have too but I miss those mfers so much and they would never buy a flight to come see me so.

ANYWAY yeah in undergrad I could NOT do a job and school at the same time so I’ve been proud of being able to handle it this time around but the last fourish months of this program are so intense and I am NOT handling it

Like I have done SO WELL up to now so I feel like I just GOTTA keep going but it’s SO HARD and I’m TOO STUPID and I’ve been told my whole life I’m not meant for higher education and now BOY DO I KNOW IT

I’m just trying to keep going. I order food and groceries to my house. I’m putting off super important errands and appointments as long as I can because I JUST CANT GET THERE I CANNOT WASTE SPOONS ON CELL PHONE PLANS RIGHT NOW I’m just trying to stay alive holy shit

I hate feeling so incompetent in my personal life especially because I’ve always put my professional life first out of like. Fear of losing it. and I KNOW this “laziness” is justified bc I’m spread so thin AND have executive dysfunction and a chronic illness but holy shit it still feels bad scoob. So fucking bad.

I think what I need to do is arrange time off work just to get this all sorted and finished but I’ve literally never taken a day off in my life so I’d feel bad and have MORE anxiety figuring out how to do it lololol ahhhhhhhh

[wishful-seeker]

I will soon be the only person in my close family to not finish college because illness forced me to leave, and thats a strange feeling. Im not sure how i feel about it.

I feel a little alienated because of it, but even though i LOVE learning and i enjoyed college classes, i didn't enjoy college itself.

Even in high school i was the "sick kid" and missed a year there, so feeling like i don't belong isn't new.

But i really thought I'd meet people like me in college, but all i found was snobby rich kids that ignored my existence. I genuinely tried making friends but college students are not my type of people.

I don't know if this is because i wore braces on my knees, or because they could tell i was poor, not sure but college kids always gave me bad vibes.

Im sad that the things im truly passionate about isn't taught in college, and i miss the classes i did have, but i don't think a fancy college was ever my scene. Maybe i would've fit better at a community college. But im probably too disabled to ever find out.

Idk i guess it feels strange because i was heavily encouraged to go to college, and now i can't even if i wanted to. Its weird that i could probably guess the view outsiders have of my life, how they'd feel bad for me, or laugh at what I've become.

And i think of that a lot: how outsiders may view my life. "Oh so sad, look how far she's fallen." Ya know

But im happy

I LIKE my life, sure i got all As and Bs in college, sure i won a writing contest in my class, and yes i also completed a triathlon before all this. So many medals saying "look how hard i worked, look what i accomplished" but when i was accomplishing those trival things i was really lost and alone on the inside, those medals were to convince myself i was better than the years before this one, a lie that i was becoming my best self.

But now all that shit is gone, dead, useless to me. Eventually i was left alone, with NO distractions, only my mind and a body i couldn't move in. Only a bed, in a room, no where else to go. Everything i thought that mattered, everything i connected my worth with, suddenly didn't mean anything anymore, because all that was was my chronic pain, and what i did with it. All that mattered now was fighting for a better life, for freedom from a bed, for freedom within my head.

I had to rebuild myself from nothing, i had to literally rewire my brain. I studied neuroplasticity and my only goal was to train my brain to be able to live with this pain. And i had to change a LOT. I can tell you my mind and the internal dialog in my head is completely different from 2 years ago, and also much a much kinder, and safer place.

So no, i won't finish college, im gonna be poor forever, i wont work, but i am much happier.

I finally feel like the best version of myself. The challenges i face in my life are no longer overwhelming, but a cycle ive grown rather fond of. Im so secure with myself that i can say "this next hardship will be good for me." And i don't think many people have the privilege of being that optimistic when faced with stressful situations.

It would have taken me my whole life to get to this point if i was still focusing on things like grades.

Im happy, and im more proud of myself than when i beat a triathlon, or won art contests.

[babymorte]

As someone with asthma I absolutely understand the breathing issues. 😩 Also I think you would be totally cute in oversized clothes. 🩷 But that's because you're totally cute.

I could definitely see that you hold your weight in your butt because of how it jiggles. lol *complimentary*

I would of never guessed you were a size D in bras. Then again I never really knew bra sizes that well. 😅

The lactose intolerance actually doesn't surprise me. lol

You're a BLONDE?! 😳

I tend to turn cherry out in the sun so I get that as well. lol

Your boy is the only person you ever had sex with? Considering how open you are about sex & sexuality that's actually kind of surprising. But still kinda cute! Are you attracted to women or other genders at all?

oh my gosh i haaaaate my lunch so much like they’ve gotten better over the years with proper physical therapy when i was younger but im like a grandma with emphysema with how much i lose my breath 😓 plus sometimes i just forget to breathe cuz im an idiot so that exacerbates my dumb lungs even more and i have to like take giant gasps of air 😅 i hate it so much 😤

no you’re totally right!! like from the front i look like im completely flat assed but turn me around and BAM booty for days 😂 plus because my waist is so teeny it makes it look like a proper peach which i think is super adorable 😅

honestly i still suffer through the intolerance but i always regret it like i had a strawberry birthday cake milkshake last week without a pill and i was sick for two days straight it was freaking AWFUL 😭

i am!! I don’t have any photos of baby blonde kiki but it’s like a super light golden blonde 😅 but it suck’s cuz when my hair grows out because of the contrast with the black i look like im actually balding 😭

oof that sucks so much!! I would be lathering the ever living hell out of myself with spf 10000 if I burned at all 😂 but i also try to just not go out in direct sun for too long because im so paranoid of getting skin cancer 😂

yea well we’ve been together since we were in high school so ive never really had the opportunity and despite my openness ive never been interested in casual sex or like sharing sexual intimacy of any kind unless im very serious about a person 😅 but it also takes a lot for me to be attracted to a person since I don’t really base that sort of attraction off appearances 🤣 I know it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense but my reasons are somewhat personal 😂 I mean honestly I don’t think humans in general are only attracted to one gender 🤷🏻‍♀️ I just think it’s a social construct to fit into the christian ideology that was kind of forced on us as a society. like there was even a time when it was okay for people to confess they’re attracted to people of the same gender as them so long as they said ‘no homo’ so they could still be seen as straight 😂 but if im being perfectly honest it’s not really something ive really though about aside from my general view on it since i kind of don’t really pay attention to people 😅

[lorestory0]

aaaaaaaaaaaa

i dont know if this is too much

im too out of it to properly think

how come if i lose a lot of blood, either from injury or bug allergy (dunno why else i would lose a lot of blood) the next period is always really bad. its usually painful enough that i cant even focus on video games and just have to try to sleep through the pain. unlike most people i genuinely dont like sleeping so this level of pain really bothers me. but if i already been bleeding a lot then its even worse. is this normal? literally just... while sitting down playing my game i almost thought i peed myself but nope. dont think its ever been like that before but my bug allergy also hasnt ever been this bad before. i was dizzy laying down and i just wanna know if this is normal for periods. because i was already losing too much blood from all the bug allergy scratchings that i was hallucinating way more than usual. at least it wasnt anything scary. hallucinations caused by sick or something are often a lot funnier than the normal hallucinations i see every other time that are scary.

but now i cant go back to sleep because sleeping too much causes nightmares and sleep paralysis.

and id actually prefer a normal nightmare.

i dont even have sleep paralysis demons as far as i know. for me its just a feeling of suffocation where if i dont force myself awake i feel like im gonna die painfully.

i know im emo but for some reason i always feel really bad if i feel like im gonna die with no way for someone to find out how it happen.

idk if its because my entire life ive had problems where my curiosity gets so bad about things sometimes to the point where it feels overwhelming if theres something thats possible to know but no one will tell me. (i dont want to cause anyone pain and i know this level of curiosity isnt common but because it hurts me so bad its hard to comprehend why it doesnt hurt someone else for some reason even tho i know)

not like sensetive information or anything. they just wont tell me for other reasons like if they dont want to talk to me. or even worse is when the teacher punishes me for no reason just to tell me i already know what i did. thats the worst. and then whatever it is i will inevitably do again and get punished again. and i get more punishment for asking.

of course im afraid of people and dont like sleeping. i just wanna play my game.

but i cant sleep

cant deal with that again

suffocating is painful

my face was covered like it usually is, sleeping mask and blanket trying to not get bit by more bugs as usual. but that has nothing to do with it. if i sleep every day like a normal person i start having nightmares every single day.

actually i was covered less than usual because i finally was able to get a thin sheet that doesnt just itch. i am very heat sensetive and i like cold (which i recently found out is very unusual for a southerner) but i require blanket because bug allergy. but if its not soft it usually itches.

i have been bullied by school lunch ladies. i would stress eat a lot during high school which made me able to ignore how bad the school lunches tasted but spicy stuff hurts and i ask if there was a way they could make thing without spicy. but then they laughed at me and told me to go BACK north. i didnt even know why. no one ever told me northern people hate spicy stuff. but the thing that made it so much worse is that not only have i never been up north, but ive always wanted to because i like the cold.

its already bad that i have to deal with these awful memories of abusive teacher but also mean lunch ladies who said a thing in a way that was like they were stabbing me with words.

it doesnt snow often around here but when it does im outside for as long as the snow is. if it snows it seems to always be for at least 3 days. i afraid of the dark, of being alone, or especially being alone away from the house. i was outside ice skating on a pond way out in the pasture at midnight. my little sister was there too but, even tho she can be vicious, she isnt likely to defend me from woods monster like my twin sister is. and yet the snow and cold made me not scared.

also the little sister is not the kind of person to believe in fantasy but i found out im not completely crazy that night because she saw the red lights too and i had a moment where "ha i told you theres paranormal stuff out here"

these paranormal stuff would usually make me run back in the house.

also my balance is terrible but its weirdly good when it comes to sliding around for some reason. i could be a professional ice skater or something. i think those exist.

but the last time it snowed i was so sick i couldnt move and i was depressed about it for several weeks i really like snow

i tried to go out anyway but by the time i reached the door i was already feeling like i was gonna pass out. and being sick also made me weaker to the cold so this was right after i got dressed too. had to take all that off while being in that much pain but the pain of not getting to go out in the snow was so much worse.

i cant sleep but im going to play skyrim. with my imagination i dont have to be rich to play in vr. thats fun.

i dont even have to be myself. i can be whatever anime person i want to be.

also does anyone else just really hate being themselfs in dreams? whenever im myself in dreams, i get the same problems i have irl but exxagerated greatly. abusive teacher becomes actual murderer.

when im anime person or something i dont have to deal with pain. but thats rare. im myself too much.

was talking about superman with my mom i think and she ask me if i had a super power what it would be. i said shapeshifting. she ask what i would turn into and i said "whatever i want"

oh yeah on the subject of superman, my moms car smells so bad i get physically sick just going near it for a second. the last time i had to ride it i had to go to the eye doctor to get glasses. i dont have glasses anymore, but instead of the usual clumsy mistake this time they kept getting broken by faulty glasses cleaners and i just have to not see. but anyway this was around the time my sister kept wanting me to watch some "superman anime" and i finally agreed. but i was so sick that i called it sman and weve both called it sman ever since.

other than episode 7 my favorite part of that show was my own commentary bercause i like making my sister laugh. and i guess my commentary was really funny.

if anyone wondering why episode 7 was the only part i dont find boring its because theres a cat. its a really great cat.

[1d1195]

SAM MY LOVE DO I HAVE TO CATH YOU UP ON LIFE😭

Once again none of this will make sense bc it’s all over the place lol

So I’ve been a bit absent for so many reasons and for once it’s not my mental health lol so idk if you remember but i mentioned something about my allergies killing me but turns out it was so much more than allergies 😭 like bestie I GOT SICK! Like sick sick 😭 nothing serious thankfully but it has been very inconvenient timing! I’ve had three midterms to do this past week and sadly I could not get out of them so i basically did them while being on flu medication 😭 like I was not there at all lol I was for sure going through it lol I simply just couldn’t exist and I really had to force myself to be present for those exams lol but I’m a bit better now! A great improvement compared to the beginning of the week lol still not 100% but better!

I sadly had to cancel my plans to go out this weekend too 😔 tragic since I was looking forward to seeing my friends lol

ANYWAYSSSSS in my state of been on too much flu medicine (or is due to the mental illness🤪) I kept getting certain songs stuck in my head and this lyric “ I know it’s hard for you to take a compliment but my life began the day you came into it.” This reminds me of you and your stories! Like it’s very sad and sweet depending on how you view and I know I’m generalizing it but alot of your stories, at least for me, are always so sweet yet can literally break me lol

ALSOOOO bestie I read part 4 and it was so good!!!! I WAS NOT EXPECTING THEIR FIRST DATE AT ALL?!? So that was a nice surprise lol and the fact that they didn’t even make it to dinner it was just kinda cute for them!! Like i don’t think it seems a bit rushed only because at this point they have known about each other for a while and like it’s fiction so this is fine lol but ahh i love that they finally kissed lol im so excited for the next few parts!! Also please don’t feel rushed or pressed to post! I know how busy May will be and it’s okay for missing a weeks of posting!

Also it’s so adorable you get told you look like Belle! Getting compared to a Disney princess is cute! Unless you hate it then idk how to deal with that lol oh blue being your fave makes sense considering your blog theme is blue! I personally don’t have a fave but I do gravitate towards purples and blues but I don’t wear them lol and the thing about undertones and stuff I simply don’t understand that😭like it’s all so confusing for me hahah

I’m sorry your week didn’t start off well :( and knowing that two coworkers had to step in seems like it was rough! I’m sorry that you had to go through that! But I hope you’re better now or at least feel a bit calmer! Being in one’s head too much can be a very tricky and sometimes hard to get out of! I hope your week went a bit better. Hope that your treat yourself a bit this weekend and that you do something that makes you smile!!! I love you so much!!!-💜

I hate getting sick when the weather is getting warmer! (However, in my head, you told me you live on the West Coast and it's always kind of baseline warm so I assumed you were in California but maybe I'm mistaken but if that's the case I guess it's always warm but now it's warmER--anyway!!!) I'm so sorry you were under the weather! I figured midterms were taking most of your attention but fighting illness at the same time 😭 what a tough week!

I know how you feel. My friend invited me to get Chipotle and I declined because I simply reached my limit this week on people and everything. I felt so bad! I actually think she was kind of upset but like I just couldn't fathom going out for an hour+ when I had more stuff to do. Also I was a little annoyed that she made me feel bad about it. Idk, I'm a very independent person so if I want Chipotle, or ice cream, or something...I just go by myself 🤷‍♀️ I used to go to a restaurant between work and my grad school classes and would grade papers all alone at my table. Idk. I got tired of not doing things I wanted to do because I was alone so I just did them by myself.

😭 that's a very sweet lyric! I know exactly what you mean! (It reminds me most of Dolcezza). It's very hard to take a compliment in general hahaha I see that's a Miss Hayley Williams song, I will have to give it a closer listen 💕

TBH I didn't want to describe a dinner date scene 😂 so I thought it would be kinda cute this way I wanted them to actually be more intimate but it will have to wait for the next part No promises yet but I will probs be missing a few updates for sure. The check-ins that I usually post on Thursday are def out the window rn. But honestly the next part of Ding might not be posted till Thursday instead.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE UNDERTONES THING EITHER. My sister explained it to me and I just repeat it every now and again. I'll take being Belle. She likes to read, is very sweet, and I would so push Gaston into the mud given half the chance 🤣🤣

The rest of my week went pretty well actually. I'm feeling a bit burnt out but it is what it is. This week will be a long one but I should get a two-week stretch without a lot going on.

I hope you feel better and get lots of rest this weekend!

xoxo

[margathecreatughhh]

It’s.. it’s been a long time since i wrote something on here.

2022, well, it was different. But im gonna walk you through it - put you on the loop.

I spent january this year chasing my then-boyfriend. Don’t know who it is? Of course not, but you believe me if i told you. It’s the dude i liked my entire junior high. Thats right. I dated my crush. Shit was way different than i had imagined - but its done. Anyways, he often hurt my feelings bc he was a very tactless person. He was ugly too. The cum face was unbearable. Sorry to that man. I ended up leaving him, only realizing i wanted him back. I chased after him for some reason. Spent the last of my money on his expensive ass medicine. Went around looking for a specific kind of drink he wanted. Did all that only for him to tell me “what’s not clicking?” Like the fucking asshole he is. That was when i realized i didnt want to do anything with him. I wanted him gone from my life. And he is gone, finally.

Then the next few months happened. I got assaulted twice in the same year. The first time, i realized it only after a few months. I had hooked up with my senior high school crush then. I told my friend dexter about it and he said “why are you so grossed out by xx but you’re so happy about yy”. Then i realized why i slipped into a lot of self-loathing of xx. Its because i didnt consent to it. I didnt want it. I didnt enjoy it. It was fucking traumatizing. I fucking hate every moment that memory crosses my mind. I wish i never had to go through it. The second time it was also with a friend who i trusted naively. Idk why the fuck i decided to go with him. It was the wrong fucking choice. I only realized it wasn’t okay when i drunkenly called my ex-bestie about it, and he told me it wasn’t okay. The trauma for this one was so bad because every time a room would be completely dark, i’d be scared shitless and i’d teleport back into that fucking bedroom. I fucking hate it so much. I don’t know why i had let that night happen.

Despite it all, i was able to date someone. We lived in together, he let me drive his car, i bought him an expensive ass wallet, a lot. Shit ended ugly tho. He ended up man handling me. We would often get into screaming matches.

I hate myself when im angry. When i have to raise my voice in certain situations. I really fucking hate it. To realize that he brought out that version of me makes me fucking sick. Makes me hate the person i allowed myself to become just because of him.

Dont get me wrong. I didnt want a relationship. I wasnt ready for a relationship. Which made me wonder, why the fuck did i ever force anything to develop between the two of us? Even when i got an ick on the first date? If i could turn back time, i honestly would. Because fuck that situationship for real. Makes me so fucking upset he brought out the worst in me. Making me feel all fucking worthless. Like im always the bad guy. He stole my friends from me too. What kind of fucking person does that? He’s so fucking greedy. He doesn’t give a fuck that my friends no longer hang out with me as long as he gets to hang out with them.

I fucking hate the fact i ever dated him. It was the worst fucking emotional and mental turmoil i ever had to fucking go through. Beat my relationship with gg on a whole mile. Yawa jd kaayo gyud. Ngano man kong nipatol adto niya?

The amount of emotional labour i had to do. Even when he knew my mental state. He’s such a selfish fucking person emotionally. He’s so fucking greedy in the name of “love”. Like what the fuck kind of person makes u feel guilty about leaving them? About wanting some time for yourself? What a stupid fucking situationship. He accuses me of not knowing him when he has this narrative of me being the worst fucking person. Fuck that man for real. I wish all my exes bad luck. I dont care. I know I’ll get guilty once the karma hits them - but shit doesnt happen just because karma wants to. Shit happens to people because they deserve it. The universe thinks they deserve it so its gonna hand it to them.

If im getting my karma. Thats fine. Im the type of person who knows i dont make a lot of great decisions so if karma goes my way, ill let it happen as it should.

I dont know how im gonna move forward from all of this. Ive been feeling so fucking lonely ever since he fucking stole my friends from me. I dont know what to fucking do but i hope i bounce back better when i get back to duma.

I wanna stay optimistic. I wanna have something to look forward to. And yet all ive done since the break up is be so self destructive. I kissed pp, and have him reject me weeks later. Then i hooked up with bb and nn. Then i had kk pick me up and we made out for a bit. He confessed on new year’s but idk i really dont want to deal with anything. I didnt want to do anything with nn because i didnt like his build, his personality is too fucking kind its actually the fucking worst 😭 made me reminiscent of the dude i dated this year. Its always the fucking nice guys who give the most emotional labor so im avoiding nice guys. Or guys in general.

Im in a man-hater phase rn. Fucking pp is crushing on a girl who tried to set me up with him. Yawa. Worst fucking feeling ever. Yawa jd kaayo. It made me see how much of a fucking asshole he is. And i dont wanna deal with him na jd because of how awful he is. Yawa. Pero i might give him cookies still when i get back? Im not sure. I probably will.

I dont know. Im just not bothered to entertain anyone but i am still talking to bb for some fucking reason. It’s probably gonna die out soon. Or probably not. Being with him is fun. But i hope it wont cross to the relationship level. Ill probably just decrease the amount of texting we do. Shits too risky. 2022/3 marga would know why. Hahahahahaha. If something bad happens out of this, you know im gonna either edit this post or make a separate post.

I still dont fucking know if 2023 is gonna be good. Its just making me anxious. Im writing this long ass post knowing i havent finished my plates yet. I havent done anything remotely productive. I dont know why im so fucking depressed. And normally, when i write, i feel a bit better. But only my mood changed. Im not as fucking depressed as i was a few minutes ago but my fucking soul still feels like it has weights on it. Shits so fucking heavy.

I think im still not over the fact that i had to go through months of whatever he put me through shit was so fucking tiring. I did not have to go through that. I did not have to go through every single thing he put me through during and after the relationship. I think my biggest takeaway from all of this is the fact i can feel And see the change that happened in me and it wasnt for the better. I lost so much of my light and life because of him. This is the only relationship i could ever completely say i wish i got back the person i was before him. Yawa jd kaayo. Ambot makalagot nga ing ani na akong state karon. Unta mabalik akong gana sa tanan. Kay sa tinuod lang, nawala gyud. Maka disappoint jd kaayo ang outcome bwiset.

Yawa huhuhuhuhu unta madayon akong mga gi look forward sa 2023.

1. New hair color and hair cut

2. Motor pls

3. cookies for all my friends

4. Mental stability

5. Reclaiming my old self

I really just want to bring the person i was before him. I just want peace. I just want to feel better. I just want to be productive again. I just want to be better.

Ive been rambling for the past few paragraphs as u can see but im just typing as much as i can until i finally lose the dreadful feeling weighing down on me because honestly i still feel like shit. Yawa huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu

I wanna buy a new vape but i think that also contributes to why i feel like shit so i might quit. Im gonna try hard and quit this year because my nicotine addiction is unexpected and unwelcome and i want to be better about it. So i might actually stop vaping. Please God make me stop vaping 😭

Im also so fucking upset because i looked forward to writing something on tumblr hoping it would make me feel better but the dread isnt going away. I want to feel better but i really cant im so fucking sad and upset and i hope its just the estrogen jud but like this has been going on for months and i honestly just need to meditate and be more accepting of my fate and have to look forward to things because theres so much to unfold for 2023 and i really really really hope my looking forward doesnt go in vain. I love you world. Please dont let me down.

[namuneulbo]

week forty

we practiced for the concert all day on monday and tuesday.

on tuesday i got some haikyuu stickers from r from the arts department. i offered to buy her a coffee as a thank u so we planned to go sometime within the rest of the week.

wednesday! concert day! we started at 1 pm and the concert started at 8. s wore a really pretty outfit and i was so flustered when i saw her lol i dont remember which day this was but we also played piano together. we played merry-go-round of life, i did right hand and she did left. i was gay panicking so hard. i think im getting a crush on her. shes so pretty w her red underdye and her nails that r always prettily done and her cute little habits and her cute obsession w coffee and sleep. i feel like dressing up and looking pretty at school for her.

concert went alright. i think i couldve sung better but i at least felt somewhat comfortable on stage since it was the second to last song and i sang it together w l. after the concert the teachers treated us w a bunch of snacks. me and l did the bare minimum to road everything. we r the singer stereotype.

thursday! after school i went grocery shopping and picked up some take-out on my way home so i could get some food in my system before my dad came and picked me up. i drove to a city nearby to go look at makeup for halloween. i ended up finding a good lipstick for less than 3€. i still have a mark from swatching the different colors on my hand. i found one in the perfect shade but it was maybelline so i ended up not getting it bc we do not like animal testing ! after shopping we went to my dads girlfriends place. i like his girlfriend, shes really nice. her place was small but nice, it looked really cool and it had like three floors.

i had earlier that day received the black thigh highs i ordered but i didnt have time to try them on until the evening. i received the wrong pair, i ordered patent ones but got matte ones. the shop was nice enough to give me the shoes for free and now im just waiting for my actual shoes to arrive. i like the matte ones too so i dont mind having them too lol

on friday i just had a bass lesson at 11. i really like bass. its a lot of fun and i definitely wanna get my own bass at some point. i went out for the coffee w r in the afternoon. it was more awkward than i expected and it made me kind of lose the remaining respect i had for her heh she only talked abt how her friends angry w her and then dropped the r slur. she just,,, brought my mood down a lot.

later around 5 pm i went back to school to play bass. its so fun, im obsessed!

on saturday i chilled the entire day and then in the evening i went to my brothers place w my dad. we had some drinks and i had like three and a half long drinks and i threw up once i got home. my dad was dogsitting his girlfriends dog so he was w us and omg was he being annoying. i love him but omg does he crave attention.

while at my brothers place we almost had a little game. i gave him a broad genre, like jazz or punk, and he showed me his fav artists within that genre. even if i didnt really care for the music or whatever it was still quite interesting seeing all the different talented musicians and my brother knows sm abt everything so i learnt a lot. my mom picked me up after i tried throwing up for a bit. my brother gave me a glass of water and i shugged that before leaving. ended up throwing up on the street outside our house and then threw up for a bit in the bathroom. i still felt a bit sick and just forced myself to sleep asap. i didnt get a hangover but i did feel weird in my stomach like one tends to do after throwing up lol.

today ive just played sims and watched lineup and smosh lol i started talking to this girl on badoo and shes so smooth and she calls me so many pet names im going to combust (i genuinely accidentally typed ‘cumbust’ and that wouldnt be too far off either). she literally talks like kaeya.

okay i gtg !!!!!!!!

sotw: the realist by onf

[pristine-starlight]

my idiot ass over here going “i’m probably doing p okay now! i’ve been home for a week and have no symptoms anymore besides some occasional hoarseness and aches, and i’m always achy anyway, so whatever, right?“ while also keenly aware that i’m still just. physically unable to eat more than half of what i usually eat, which is already not much and even on my normal days takes effort to keep up

[t0shii]

hq boys when you're feeling anxious or stressed

suna rintaro, hinata shoyo, oikawa toru x gn!r

!warnings! mentions of anxiety, reader comparing themselves to others, mentions of food & hunger, driving. this is like all fluff no angst rlly tbh.

SUNA RINTARO.

he could tell something was up but conviced himself he shouldnt pry as he had already asked you twice if you were feeling alright, to which you reasurred him with a "yep" both times, it was suspicious but he thought maybe you just wanted to be left alone. meanwhile you weren't sure why you lied him, you obviously were not doing okay at the moment. currently he was driving you home and your anxiety was going absolutely crazy from the amount of school work that was piling up on you, it's unfair you thought to yourself, looking out the window. not only were you stressed from work but trying to keep up with your friend was hard, to say the least. they were phenomenal students, straight As in their transcript and though your grades were just fine, you couldn't help but feel inferior and insecure. it's unfair how effortlessly smart they are and how i'll never be able to catch up.... oh boy if your thoughts weren't running wild before they definitely were now, you hadn't even realized your boyfriend pulling into your driveway until he slightly tapped your shoulder. "are you sure you're alright? i don't wanna pressure you ofcourse but, you know you can tell me anything right?" ... and there were the water works! the little string holding you together had snapped just like that. you sat there in the passengers seat sobbing into your hands and suna rintaro hadn't a clue what to do in the moment.

"give me just a sec" you heard him mumble but not before he gave you a kiss as light as a feather on the top of your head. somehow you didn't notice him exit the car and rush to your side until he opened your door and hugged you so tight you honestly couldn't breathe. after a few seconds your boyfriend let go of the embrace which, to his dismay, only made you cry even harder. now, he knew he was known for being quite... stoic but he was definitely panicking on the inside and it was really difficult to remain calm on the outside. your boyfriend carefully reached over you to unbuckle the seatbelt that you had yet to unclasp. "lets go inside baby." his voice was so gentle it would've taken you by surprise had you not still been crying. you nodded in response and he helped you carefully out of the car, holding your hand all the way to the door, "d'ya have your key?" you nodded trying your best to unlock the door, after a few struggled and shakey attempts you finally had your door unlocked but not without rins help because he couldn't bare to watch you struggle any longer.

stepping inside rin helped you take your shoes off, removing his own after, "bedroom?" having calmed down a little you whispered "yes," with a small nod. he nodded with you in response and took you to your bedroom. after helping you change into comfy clothes he helped you into bed, crawling in right behind you. your back was snug against his chest and he held you super tightly, it was silent for a few minutes until finally he spoke up, "please tell me how i can help" you could feel your lip quiver. "well... you don't have to say anything right now, you know i can wait. i'll even leave if you want, i just wanted you to know that you can tell me whenever you're ready and that i'll listen." neither of you were sure when you'd be ready to admit what had gotten you so upset but you felt comfortable knowing suna rintaro would be there whenever you were ready, whether it be minutes from now or even months.

HINATA SHOYO.

your silence on the walk home was starting to concern him.. maybe im just talking too much... he thought, "hey... im sorry if im talking your ear off.. how was your day angel?" to say he was disappointed with your response would be an understatement. not thar you HAD to talk but usually you were talkative with him and the worry in his tummy was only growing more. a simple, "oh.. my day was alright sho," simply woundn't cut it! "hey, are you feeling okay?" it was silent for a few seconds before you answered a mumbled "i think so, are you feeling alright, sho?" he simply nodded with a "mhm" and you told him to continue on with his story from earlier.

he complied but only to fill the silence. hinata decided to trust you when you said you were okay because you know your own feelings and he knows for a fact he's made it clear before that you could and should let him know if something was bothering you. though you enjoyed listening to hinata's stories you only found yourself getting lost in your own mind whilst he rambled on.you could tell he was suspicious of your behavior but was grateful he had left his curiosity behind because you were sure you would snap if he had asked you if you were okay again, you really didn't want to cry in front of him. truth is, your thoughts were running wild, stressing over the smallest things; assignments due at the end of the week, what you were gonna get your boyfriend for your anniversary, how you were gonna make time for your friends surprise birthday party and helping sho with his studied all the while trying to take care of your own self and keep your own grades afloat. "y/n..? we're at your house.. are you sure your alright? you look a little pale, are you ill?" crap! how had you not noticed you were approaching your own driveway you wanted to slap yourself for being so clueless. you couldn't help but feel horrible for not listening to your boyfriends story also.

"yes sho i'm fine really, i just didn't have time to eat lunch today but i have food inside so don't worry m'may?" he looked at you suspiciously and you knew he was onto you, "y'know y/n, i'm not gonna force you to tell me what's going on but just know i'll always be here for you, okay?" he gave you a small smile before engulfing you into a tight hug, it honestly melted your heart. surprisingly, you didn't start crying on the spot. "y'know, i wanted to trust you when you said you were okay but now i'm not so sure if you were telling the truth," he mumbled into your shoulder. you sighed, giving up the facade. "sho.... i just don't know what to do honestly, i have alot on my plate right now and i'm really stressed with all the responsibilities ive piled onto myself," you admitted. he nodded lifting his head from your shoulder, giving you the brightest smile, "well, i can always help out! i might not be the mooost helpful person ever but i'll try my best, and if anything i'm good moral support!" you giggled at that but suddenly you felt your lip quiver from the sudden guilt you feeling, "i'm sorry for lying to you sho-", "hey! its alright! you dont need to apologize. especially dont need you crying on me now!" he smiled cupping your face in his hands, wiping away a few stray tears of whom managed to escape.

OIKAWA TORU.

you smile back at him and thought of how silly it was that you tried keeping your feelings a secret from your boyfriend of two years, hinata shoyo, feeling glad that you confided in him. he knew you were upset as soon as he saw you that very morning, he could read you like and open book and you knew that fact very well. still though, you tried your best to hide yourself from him, though it was hard considering you sitting right next to him in the passenger seat of his car. finally after a whole day of being worried sick, he was tired of leaving things left unsaid "babyyyy," he sang for you from the kitchen, "please come here a sec!" he yelled for you louder. soon you came trudging down the hallway, blanket wrapped around your body, he couldn't help but smile at how adorable his s/o looked.

"c'mere quickly," he said will a grin, opening his arms for a hug, which you gladly accept, wrapping your arms around his waist tightly. "now, i know you know that i know that you're not feeling well, so please tell me what's got my angel so upset?" he said softly rubbing his hand lightly over your back, his voice a little muffled from his cheek being squished against the top of your head. you let out a breath you hadn't even realized you were holding, "'m sorry tooru, i don't know what's wrong with me today.... just not feeling well." you felt him nod against your head in response, "well good thing your amazing boyfriend is here to make you feel all better huh?" you let a out small giggle at that. "you know you can tell me when you're feeling down right? you shouldn't keep things bottled up inside", "i know tooru... im sorry, i just dont really know wbat i'm feeling so down about though," you admitted shyly. "hey that's okay! there absolutely no need to apologize for that, here, look at me, angel," he tilts your face so you're looking up at him, his big soft hands holding your face, thumbs stroking your cheeks lightly, "i'm here whenever you figure it out, hell, even if you dont figure it out or there just isn't any reason at all. you know i'm always, always, always here. i promise you that, m'kay?" he finishes his little speech with a smile, smothering your face in kisses. you could only feel relieved, thankful and loved. because you knew that you would always have your soulmate, oikawa toru by your side.

( a/n ; ahh so im sorry if this has any spelling or grammatical errors it's sort of late as i'm writing this! and im too lazy to proof read.... also it might just all be word vomit and if it is im so sorry 😩 ++ i'm positive ive kept the reader gn throughout the whole thing but if there are slip-ups i promise i'll do better next time! i rlly wanted to write some hq boys when ur feeling anxious and beyond stressed because i have been MEGA struggling with my own anxiety lately, especially bc of school so i just needed to let my feelings go! anywhooo i hope everyone who reads this has an amazing day or night! ) p.s. im new to writing so be nice 2 me or whatever 😩🙄😌👍🏻

[jaesvelvet]

jealousy jealousy — kim junkyu

words: 1.7k words

warning: grammartical errors,idk what i write does it make sense? reader being insecure!

pairing: junkyu+fem reader

notes: i want to publish my jihoon's ff but i haven't finish it yet since my school is starting soon😭 anyway this ff inspired by olvia rodrigo's song, jealousy jealousy (remember you're beautiful just like the way you are!!!🤍)

you couldn't help but grinned as you step into the famous YG building. it feels like a dream come true. you used to be a trainee in a small company for 5 months before decided to left, you realized that you didn't have the talent to be an idol, you're just average on everything, that's all. you gasped when you saw a huge screen in front of the escalator playing blackpink's mv on the screen. YG is that rich exactly like the news said.

"y/n!"

you turn, grinning widely at junkyu, who from the convenience store with some snacks on both of his hands. you waved at him and junkyu laugh in response

"i'm sorry for being late," he said, handing some bread to you

"no it's okay i just got here," you said

you and junkyu are best friends since high school, you're the one who supported junkyu's journey to debut, and junkyu was grateful to have a friend like you, junkyu always convince you to audition at YG but you refused since you now want to focus on your studies. but after junkyu accidentally saw a book full of lyrics song at your desk, he forced you to record one of the songs in his studio and release it on soundcloud so junkyu could promote the song to his fans.

of course, you reject the offer saying you can't sing and you don't want any attention in the university. a medical science student releases a song on a soundcloud, out of the blue, and treasure junkyu promoted her music?? no way!

however junkyu being junkyu, he didn't give up and keep encouraging you to record one of your songs, you didn't need to prepare anything just bring the lyrics and yourself, and the rest, he will work on it. after weeks tried to convince the you, you finally agreed with one term; which is junkyu need to buy you food. a lot of food.

"okay so here it's my studio, um it isn't something to brag about since half of the members have their studio," he said, opening the door of his studio showing his messy studio with a big portrait of treasure on the wall.

"you should clean your studio if you want to impress a girl kyu" you joked, getting a whine from junkyu mumbling that he would never see the world again if he brings a 'girlfriend' over.

junkyu pressed something on his keyboard and bass sound came out, making you flinch, the instrument that junkyu creates is mellow and kinda strident? as soon as you heard the instrument you know which lyrics from your lyrics book would go along and make a perfect song

"i have a perfect song for this" you excited, taking out your black notebook and turn to a back page—clearly the lyrics are fresh from the oven.

"okay i'm gonna play it and you sing the lyrics okay?"

you nodded and sing a little bit of the lyrics

"i kinda wanna throw

my phone across the room

'cause all i see are girls

too good to be true"

"woah! it's perfect" junkyu gasped, amazed at how the instrument he made suits perfectly with your lyrics. you smile, you didn't suprised much since you know how much passion junkyu has in music.

"okay now you eat first, i'm gonna rearrange the lyrics to suit with the melody," he said and get a nod from you. you eat the bread that junkyu bought for you, you also eyeing the studio, it's kinda cold in here cause the space not too big and they put a big ass aircond on top of you.

junkyu notice your quiver, he rolled his eye when you only wearing a thin black shirt material, he scoffs before handing you his pink hoodie that he left in the studio yesterday.

"i won't turn off the aircond so you must wear this hoodie, it's been a week since i wash it," he said in a teasing voice, you frown yet you have no choice to wear the pink treasure hoodie or else, you're gonna die in this cold studio.

you sigh in relief when the hoodie warms your cold body, you side-eyeing junkyu who looks so serious rearrange the lyrics, you then click on the instagram icon, you felt blue as you saw haeri post on your feed— haeri is a popular rich girl in your university, you and her once assigned in a group for an assignment and she is very kind and open about her opinions, she also very serious when it comes to study/work and she is pretty, to your eyes she is like a goddess. she is so pretty, kind, and selfless, and you really lying if you didn't jealous of her. she has a perfect life and you still struggling to get a diploma.

you slowly pressed the screen twice, liking a picture of haeri; wearing a beanie and a mask in a cafe without posing too much, getting 2 thousand likes within 1 hour. you wonder how is it to be like a rich popular pretty girl in university? well, damn sure you will get all of the pretty privileges in your life. you sighed as you realized you're comparing yourself again with haeri. you always remind yourself not to compare yourself to anyone since you're beautiful enough but you can't. the funniest thing is you and haeri didn't even know each other, yet you being so jealous of her life. sometimes you just feel small, you want to be like them.

"y/n!" junkyu shakes your body making you slap his hand

"what!?"

"i called you for like thousand times! you didn't hear me?" junkyu said, stroking his hand that got slapped by you

"oh i'm sorry, im zoning out, you're done rearranging?"

junkyu nodded

"you can listen to the instrument and practice your lyric with it," he said

"okay"

an hour passed, you finally get the tempo, beat, and rhythm right, you grin excitedly as junkyu put the headphones on your head and directing the microphone to you

"you ready?" junkyu asked

"yes i am" with that, junkyu clicked on something and you could hear the instrument, you begin to sing the verse of your song choice.

i kinda wanna throw my phone across the room

'cause all i see are girls too good to be true

with paper-white teeth and perfect bodies

wish i didn't care

you stop singing and look at junkyu curiously making junkyu paused the song and look back at you with a confused look

"why?"

"doesn't singer usually stop singing for producers fix their mistakes?" you asked making junkyu giggle

"yes that's true but you didn't have any mistake, you're doing good, i will pause the music if i have something to fix" he explained, getting an 'oh' from you. you continue singing the song.

i know their beauty's not my lack

but it feels like that weight is on my back

and i can't let it go

com-comparison is killin' me slowly

i think i think too much

'bout kids who don't know me

i'm so sick of myself

i'd rather be, rather be

anyone, anyone else

my jealousy, jealousy started followin' me

started followin' me

as you singing the song that you wrote, junkyu couldn't help but wonder who is the person, you dedicated to? or how you inspired to write this song? this song is obviously about your insecurities about some girl, and you don't even know her! junkyu pout when you felt like this, he knew how insecurities could kill you, back then when he was a trainee he felt insecure with all of the trainees that beat him to debut, he felt he doesn't belong in here but with you and his members on his side, he gained confidence and prove to the world that he is himself and nothing can change that.

all your friends are so cool, you go out every night

in your daddy's nice car, yeah, you're livin' the life

got a pretty face, a pretty boyfriend, too

i wanna be you so bad and i don't even know you

all i see is what u should be

happier, prettier, jealousy, jealousy

all i see is what i should be

i'm losin' it, all i get's jealousy, jealousy

you remove the headphone as soon as the instrument stop playing, you handing the headphone without noticing junkyu's face, chaeyul grabbed the water bottle and drink, her throat felt dry after singing a whole song which you have never done in your life, making you wonder how did singer voice so stable when singing live?

"kyu—oh my god why are you looking at me like that?" you take one step back as you saw junkyu looking at you with frowns on his face, you bit her lips was your singing that terrible?

"sit down here" he ordered, you quickly took a seat beside him without saying anything

junkyu grab your hand and rubs it softly while looking at you with his brown eyes.

"what you see is all fake y/n. she living her best life is what you see what you want, but you didn't see her pain, how hard she must through a day in her life, we didn't know if she struggles behind, you also know you can't compare yourself to others right? you're beautiful" he said

"but, i don't know kyu. i couldn't help but felt all jealous of her, i feel like a total loser" you said

“no y/n, you're not a loser! hear me out, you do great, you beautiful and an amazing person, so why do you need to be insecure to a person you never know? everyone is beautiful on their own, you're an original version of yourself and no one else could be you. you are special and unique, you wouldn't know if someone is jealous of your life, a successful medical student who has a great voice. you need to love yourself more, let yourself shine in your spotlight. trust me popular life wouldn't great as you think" he said

you smile at his words

"thank you kyu, honestly, you're right.i didn't appreciate myself enough this past week, hearing you said that making me feel great about myself, i am me, there's nothing anyone could change about me"

junkyu smile and pat your head

"that's my girl"

[lunnybunny12]

Severus Snape X Reader (Coffee)

Request: @noah1986 (IDK why it wont let me tag this person but anyway)  Hiiii hope you are doing well, i would like to request Snape with Y/n meeting in a coffee shop and speak about their interests and treats her so well and is kinda possessive with the way he touches her, then go out on a date and smut if you are okay with that 💕 Im dying for Snape, thank you so muchhhh

Word count: 1042

Warnings: b0ner and snow 

Master list 

It was a cold day. All days had been cold that December and it seemed like it was going to stay that way for a while. The bitter cold pulled heat out of any person that dared to exit their homes and your hands had practically turned to ice.

"I'm sorry" you said politely. "What were you saying?"

"I said, you should've worn gloves," said Severus.

"Oh. yes," you said warming your hands on the steaming mug.

The heat of the coffee shop had condensed on the glass, and a few droplets had grouped into little pools on the windowsill.

"Honestly (Y/N), If I weren't there to assist you the students would eat you alive"

"Oi I never asked you to babysit me, you just walked into my classroom one day and never left. Im perfectly capable of teaching first years by myself,"

The man gave you an all too familiar look. "What about the other years?"

"Shut your hole." you chuckled adjusting yourself to sit comfortably.

You and Severus had gotten into the habit of going out for cups of tea or coffee whenever the school season was over. Whether it be for Christmas or summer the pair of you would make time for one another and talk about your shared interests and things Severus deemed "inappropriate" to speak of in school (like your pasts).

"What do you think to this one then? Personally, I think it's horrid." Severus said taking a sip of his drink.

In all honesty, you could see why he didn't like the cafe you were in. The huge windows spanned from one side of the store to the other, allowing all of the natural light to illuminate the room. It was so cosy in there. It reminded you of American ski lodges you'd seen in muggle media. Stuffed deer heads and taxidermied birds adorned the walls (which you thought Severus would have enjoyed) and a large animal skin rug lay under your feet. What set it apart from the others you had gone to previously was that it was a Muggle owned establishment. Needless to say, it wasn't exactly Severus' scene.

"Other than the seats being a tad bit uncomfortable, I think this place is lovely" your face slowly turning into one of disgust as you took your first sip of tea. "And that's me finished with that"

"add this to your list of cafes to not re-visit"

"Will do."

Time passed and it got darker outside. For hours, the snow fell onto the un-gritted street as the pair of you talked. What about? Whatever came to mind at the time. Words seemed to escape your mouth quicker than you could think of them. The day passed quicker than either of you expected and when the shop assistant approached to tell you they were closing, you saw a glint of possessiveness flash across Severus' face.

Something about that look brought back so many memories you didn't know you had. They swam around in your head like a fish in a shallow pond but to save face you continued to smile.

---------------------------------------------------------------

"WOW, it's freezing!" "I told you to-" "Yea, yea, yea, bring gloves I get it" you said. Sarcasm lacing your tone.

You both held onto each other to avoid slipping on the frosted pathway. You needed a secluded place to apparate and not get caught by a muggle or god forbid a ministry worker. You'd had enough run-ins with them to last 3 lifetimes.

"That reminds me, You need to apparate to my house. I have that book you lent me and I've finished it."

"And why can't you send it later?"

"Because. Cokeworth is too far away for you to apparate in a snowstorm and I don't want you getting sick."

Severus rolled his eyes at you, why you cared at all for his safety hed never know but he was grateful regardless. He'd been more than grateful to have you for a long time and it had taken a long time for him to admit that to himself.

The pair of you walked in silence for a little bit, the thoughts from before slowly returning.

Eventually, you asked, " You find me attractive don't you?"

"excuse me?"

"You find me attractive. I know you do."

"What on earth brought you to that conclusion, may I ask?"

You answered" Oh please, the way you looked at that shop assistant was the same as when anyone would talk to Lily. It isn't just when we're out and about either. You do it when you're babysitting me in class too,"

"That doesn't mean I'm attracted to you"

"So you're telling me that if I had you pinned against the wall, my hands all in your hair, you'd tell me to stop?"

He paused for a second before answering with a quiet "Yes"

At hearing this an evil smile crossed your mind and without a second thought your hands latched onto his shirt as you pinned him against the nearest wall. You saw the snowflakes fall into his dark hair and his eyes went wide with surprise. Your eyes darted to his lips before going back to his eyes. He looked like a deer in headlights and his face burned when he realised that he had gripped on to you to stop himself from falling over.

With a cheeky glint in your eye, you entangled your hands into his hair and leaned yourself closer to his face. Your dry lips ghosted over his.

" Go on Severus... you know you want to" you whispered.

There was no point in trying to say it wasn't true. You saw right through him and he knew that if he didn't he would regret it for the rest of his life.

It was cold at first but the longer it lasted the warmer it got. He was so gentle and slow with the kiss, like you were about to shatter in his arms.

"I'm like an open book to you aren't I?" he smiled looking into your warm eyes.

"Luckily enough for you, you're a book I enjoy reading. So here's my next question Severus... Is that your wand in your pocket or are you happy to kiss me?"

Smut ending...

“Luckily enough for you, you’re a book I enjoy reading. So here’s my next question Severus… Is that your wand in your pocket or are you happy to kiss me?" You asked with a cheeky grin.

With wide eyes, he enclosed the pair of you in his cape and turned to you with angry eyes.

"Why you filthy little..aaaaaaa" Midway through his sentence he cut himself off as he felt your hand palm him through his trousers. He let out a few quiet whimpers into your neck at the sensation and he couldn't have stopped you even if he wanted to.

"A ah ah, now Severus, don't ruin this beautiful moment with your ugly words" You purred into his ear, pulling his head off of your shoulder and dusted another kiss on his lips.

Severus's eyes were glazed with shock and lust. You had never been this bold with him before and he had to admit, he found it extremely arousing. You were teasing him, your hand glided over his cock and he could see on your face that you knew what you were doing.

You leaned into his face and whispered "Now do you want to apparate to mine?" in a dark chuckle.

In an attempt to compose himself, he stood to attention and held both your hands in a vice-like grip. You knew the routine, he would try and be scary and act as if nothing had happened but you also knew that he wouldnt have let go unless he had to.

"I didn't know you could be so evil, (Y/N)"

Without hesitation, you yanked your hands down forcing his face closer to yours and purred into his ear " I'm just getting started darling"

[dallaswinstonsleatherjacket]

Concussion-Ponyboy Curtis 

(Im actually kind of excited about this one)

Most of my fanfics you can also read on my AO3-if you like that format better!

Taglist: @pepsi-and-cigarettes @chaotically-cas @sylvia-supremacist @darrys-toolbag @otterfire @i1-800-555-trash-1i @queen-of-the-outside @isasbaguettes @steveiskoreanfuckit (lmk if you want to be added or removed)

It had all started three days ago, when Richard Astor, one of the more commonly seen Socs, pushed me against the lockers after third period so hard I hit my head. He made it out to be an accident, but I knew that was only ‘cause Ol’ Mrs. Lowell was standing right there.

I don't know how Steve or Two didn't see it, since they were both there that day and usually were in the same halls as I was, but I didn't see either of them, and they must not have seen me either, cause Soda and Darry didn't say anything when I got home. I was glad, too. The whole gang fusses too much over me, and I know it's ‘cause my brothers are all scared of losing me after losing mom and dad. I get it, I’d go nuts if anything happened to them either, but still.

Anyway, good old Curly Shepard, a kid from a neighboring gang of greasers happened to see. He and I are pretty close, I tutor him with math sometimes and we get along pretty well. Our gangs might not, at least not all the time, but two kids like us have to stick together in a Soc-filled school.

Curly raised an eyebrow as I passed him, but didn't comment until after lunch. He had dragged me to the bathrooms and made me do that concussion test that his older brother Tim always makes him do after he hits his head real hard. I didn't feel real bad, I just wanted to get to English, so he let me go.

I didn’t feel anything at all besides a pain in my head until I got to the DX later that day. Steve had driven me there somewhat begrudgingly, but there was no getting out of it, because he had a shift there anyway and I was supposed to walk home with my brother.

Soda walked out to the front to meet us, and I tried to get out of the car but only narrowly avoided falling to the ground because Soda caught me just in time.

“Hey, Pone, you okay there?” Soda's voice was cheerful but his eyes were worried. He reminded me of Darry at that moment, and I shivered.

“Yeah, sorry. Just-stood up funny.” I wrenched myself to my feet, deciding that this was not the time to be dizzy.

Soda walked close behind me as I stalked indignantly through the DX and took a seat near where Soda usually sits. There were no cars Steve needed to work on, so he refrained from heading to the garage and instead stayed in the air-conditioned store, grabbing himself and Soda a coke before taking a seat on the stool next to me.

Steve and Soda started talking about some old convertible that came in the other day, and I started to doze off, to be honest. My head hurt a whole hell of a lot, and I wanted nothing more than to be at home in my bed.

“Pony. Pony, hey, kid-”

My eyes flew open and I was still at the bar stools around the counter at the DX, and both Steve and Soda were looking at me.

Soda reached as if to feel my temperature, and I tried to swat him away and nearly fell off the stool. As I caught my balance, Soda managed to press the back of his hand to my forehead.

“You feel a little warm…” I pulled away and managed a glare at both of them, cause they were looking at me like I was a little kid.

“I should take you home-Steve, can I take the truck?”

I would have liked nothing more than to drive home and sink into my bed, but Steve's glare, whether about the truck or having to man the register and the garage, made me resist.

“Soda-I’m fine, honest. I'm just tired-school today-”

“No one hurt you, did they?” Soda's eyes widened and he looked over at Steve, who shrugged and looked at me.

“No-I just feel fine-I’m fine, right Steve?” I looked over at Steve, and decided if he wanted his truck or his friend for the afternoon, it was his choice.

Steve raised his hands as if to ask to leave him out of it, but Soda raised his eyebrows and Steve looked between the two of them.

“I mean, Kid, you know how you feel-and Soda, if you think he caught something, take him home. I can manage here”

Soda tried to feel my forehead again, but I ducked this time, and Steve clicked his tongue at me. “Little Curtis, if I knew you were going to be such a damn pain-”

That's the last thing I remember before I fell off my stool.

*

When I opened my eyes next it seemed like I wasn't at the DX anymore, and I recognized the wallpaper of our living room.

“Oh, god, Pony-” Soda whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

If I had enough strength to hold any sort of conversation I would have asked him what for, but instead I forced myself to keep my eyes open.

Soda must have sensed I didn't want to talk because he continued. “You fell off your stool at the DX-I don't know why, I think you were dizzy, and you only blacked out for a bit, and then you woke up and started mumbling before falling asleep-god, Pony, I’m awful sorry.”

I still couldn't speak well, and my head felt heavy to hold up, but I watched out of the corner of my eye as Steve walked into the room, coming over to the couch and leaning over the back of it to look at me. My face felt hot and I wanted to turn away.

“That was some performance, huh Little Curtis?” Steve grinned.

Soda glared at him and turned back to me.

“You need anything, Pony? Darry’s almost home and he-”

I could feel all my muscles tense and I almost sprung up, only stopped by Steve holding my shoulder down.

“Darry? Darry can't come home, you shouldn't have called him-I'll rest, I promise, tell him I’m okay-”

The front door slammed and Darry walked in, work boots caked with mud and drywall, and he didn't even take them off by the door as he hurried over.

“Ponyboy, Pony, are you okay?” Darry’s hands were surprisingly gentle, one on my forehead and the other holding my hand loosely.

“I’m fine, honestly Darry.”

Darry shook his head. “You definitely have a fever, Pone, you're slurring your words, Soda says you were all dizzy at the DX-”

I shot a glare at Soda, which he didn’t return and instead looked up at Steve, who shrugged again.

“Kiddo, you have to tell me what happened.” Darry’s voice was stern, and he pushed my bangs back and adjusted the pillows behind my head.

“I hit m’ head” I let myself close my eyes, it hurt to keep them open, the light seemed too bright. I let my head rest back on the pillows and I kept quiet, not offering any more detail.

I could feel Darry's eyes searching me for more, but I lay still and didn't make a noise, until he either decided he would try later or that was all I had to say.

“Alright. Pone, we’re gonna get you to your bedroom, okay, so you can rest?”

“I can walk, Darry” I said, and tried to sit up.

Both Darry and Soda helped lift me to my feet, and I took about three steps before feeling like I wanted to throw up and sitting back down on the couch.

I pretended not to notice as Darry lifted me up easily and started down the hallway. I still felt so dizzy from even trying to stand up, and having Darry carry me was about equal embarrassment to falling, without the pain.

Steve and Soda followed Darry, although I'm not sure why Steve was even still here. It's not like he cared about me anyway, although I did notice he looked more concerned, and the smirk was wiped off his face.

Soda pulled the covers back and Darry lay me down gently and covered me with them, arranging my head on the pillows. Steve hovered awkwardly by the doorway, as if he were unsure whether to stay or go.

The door slammed shut and I winced at the noise, turning my face into the pillow. Steve used it as an excuse to go meet whoever was at the door, and Darry sat on the edge of the bed.

“Hey, kiddo. I'm so sorry, Pony, I know you feel like shit.”

My eyes were fluttering closed, but I reached for Darry’s hand, wanting suddenly nothing more than to have his arms around me.

“Rest, okay? I’ll be right here, I promise.” Darry’s voice was getting softer, and I could feel myself falling asleep.

*

“You think it's a concussion?”

My eyes fluttered open for a second, just enough time to see Darry and Two-bit seated at the edge of my bed, talking to each other quietly.

“I dunno, Two. It looks a lot like the one I got when I played football-he's all dizzy and everything, and really tired..” Darry sighed. “If it's a concussion all we can do is wait anyway, and get him to rest.”

It was silent for a minute.

“I should have been with him..I skipped school today to go down to that race with Dally, I could’ve driven him straight home and avoided a lot of this mess…” Two-bits voice was sober, the most serious I've ever heard him.

Darry seemed to have shook his head, and I heard him sigh again. “It's not your fault. I don’t think he just hit his head either, he seems off in general. He might have a cold along with whatever else. I just wish he didn't feel like this, like he needed to hide things from me.”

I shifted a little, turning more on my side and groaning quietly. My head hurt like hell, and I felt sick to my stomach, so I kept my eyes closed. I could feel Darry and Two-bit watching me, but they must have thought I was still asleep.

“So what did your work say?” Two-bit asked in a quieter tone, and I stiffened. What if he was let off because of me?

“I told my boss what happened. He told me it was no problem-he has kids, he understands. I just need to be with Pony if anything happens. I wish-I wish I had enough money to take him to get properly checked out but…”

They were both silent again, and I was filled with anger at myself, for being so dumb and causing so much trouble, and Soda for calling Darry, and stupid Socs and stupid school and-

“Pony?” Darry spoke quietly still, and I turned and pushed myself up on my forearms, forcing my eyes open.

“Yeah?” Golly, my head hurts.

“You need anything to eat or drink? It's past dinnertime, kiddo, you were asleep for a while.”

My stomach turned at the thought of eating anything, and I turned back over to face the window. Sure enough, it was dark outside, and I could hear the chatter of Soda and Steve, and maybe Johnny and Dally, coming from the living room.

“Not hungry.” I said finally, and Darry nodded. Then I said “Is everyone here?” I knew Dally wasn't, he never comes for dinner or stays over, but everyone else could be.

“Everyone but Johnny.” Darry said, and then rubbed his face with his hands like he does when he’s stressed. I didn't know whether he was stressed about me, or Johnny, or something else.

Darry stood up, walking over and sitting on the edge of my bed, closer to me. Running the back of his hand over my forehead, he managed a grim smile.

“Fevers down.”

Two-bit grinned at me cheerfully, and stood up, leaning over to ruffle my hair. “Hey, Pone, all banged up again aren't ya?”

I winced at the touch but smiled back, and Two-bit headed out to the living room. Darry stayed.

“You'll call me if you need anything?”

“Yes, Darry.”

“Alright.” Darry started to leave, but then turned back. “Hey-was Johnny at school today?”

I shook my head.

Darry's eyes changed, but he nodded and closed the door.

*

I must have dozed off again because the next thing I knew it was dark outside, and a hand on my shoulder was gently waking me.

My eyes didn't hurt quite so much, and I blinked a couple times before turning.

Johnny was there, his hair almost invisible in the dark except for where it fell in wild curls over his face. He looked as though he had been patched up recently, I assumed by Darry, he had a bandage across his face and a couple more that disappeared below his collar.

“Hey,” he said softly, and I grinned.

“Darry said you should take this-I think you fell asleep before he could give it to you earlier.” He handed me a small pill and a glass of water, which I swallowed, and set the cup on the nightstand.

We sat there in silence for a minute. Johnny and I can do that, we can sit without talking and still understand everything the other is thinking.

I shifted so I was sitting, and then I moved over enough so Johnny could lay next to me. He clambered onto the bed and we both lay down and stared at the ceiling.

He didn't ask what happened, and I didn’t ask either. We both knew.

That's how I fell asleep that night, Johnny curled up beside me. I’m sure he would be gone the next morning, slipping out at the break of dawn before anyone woke up, meeting Dally at the lot or around Bucks. I could picture Darry padding down the hallway and settling into his bed, I could picture Soda curling up in Darry’s big easy chair, and Two-bit and Steve flopping down onto the couch.

My head started to hurt again, so I closed my eyes. Johnny’s soft breathing beside me and the quiet chatter from the living room lulled me to sleep.

[mizunetzu]

Maybe some Kuroo x Male reader,, I just need some of my boy 😩

Of course !!! Kuroos the HOMIE I tell you-

————

Kuroo x reader - I’m not gay

⚠️ Warnings - Confused reader, pretty much none

Prounouns - Male, He/Him

——————

I’m not gay,

is what (y/n) told himself, at age 7.

He was over at his friends house, deciding on a movie to watch before they had to go to sleep.

When he held up a rather feminine looking cd, one of them snickered, and the other didn’t even spare it a glance.

“(Y/n)- thats for girls!”

“I-I know that! Shut up! It...it looked interesting...”

“Kuroo-give (y/n) a break...” Kenma murmured, looking up from his Ds briefly.

——

I’m not gay,

Is what (y/n) told himself, in his third year of Junior high school.

He wasn’t going to lie when he said he was a bit curious about the topic, but he’d never considered himself being attracted to the same gender.

Which is why he asked his close female friend if he could kiss her.

It was an odd question, but (y/n) needed to settle something within himself. Just a quick peck on the lips to see if the feelings would go away.

(Y/n) was rather surprised when she nodded yes, because people usually say no when people ask you to kiss them. But he wasn’t disappointed, no.

She leaned up on her tippy toes, pressing a chaste kiss onto (y/n’s) lips, before settling back down on the balls of her feet and hiding her flushed face with the mass of her uniforms sleeves. She peeked through her fingers to see (y/n’s) eyes fixed on the ground in front of him, with a distasteful frown gracing his features.

That didn’t feel right, (y/n) thought.

——

I’m...im not....

Is what (Y/n) told himself, during his second year of high school.

He was in the volleyball club in his school, and the intrusive thoughts hadn’t cross his mind since back in junior high. It was actually going pretty good.

He only had one girlfriend the entire time he was in high school, but he ended it pretty quickly to focus on himself, his feelings, and building Nekoma’s defense. (Hell yeah, sports!!)

Nekoma had a training camp where other schools were invited, which is how he found himself sitting in a circle with a few other teammates and managers, playing ‘never have I ever’.

Most of Nekoma was crowded in the circle, with some stragglers from fukurodani, and Tanaka with Nishinoya and Hinata.

The managers from other schools, both fukurodani’s managers, along with Kyoko and Yachi were there too. (Y/n) was pretty sure that Tanaka, Nishinoya, and maybe Yamamoto were only there to “protect Kiyoko Senpai”, but hey, at least they had more players that way.

People went around saying things like “never have I ever cheated on an exam”, “never have I ever served straight to the libero,” or “never have I ever been the cause of bokutos emo mode”

(That question itself put bokuto in his emo mode)

(Y/n) was the only one who had all fingers up, followed by Kuroo, who had only 2 fingers down, then Akaashi, with 4 fingers down.

It was going pretty smoothly until Yukie, one of Fukurodani’s managers, asked,

“Never have I ever had a crush on someone in this circle.”

Not many people put a finger down, but the question made (y/n’s) questionable thoughts come back in a flash. It forced him to think if he did find any of the girls in the circle attractive, and after ruling all them out, he, half jokingly, turned his attention to the boys.

His eyes drifted from each of the volleyball players, until his eyes landed on Kuroo.

Kuroo. One of his childhood friends. Someone he, regretfully, considered attractive. I mean, he had a nice build, he was in the college preparatory classes, and his thighs could crush-

No, shut up. He’s a man.

You’re a man.

....What the fuck?

(Y/n) didn’t even notice his finger fold itself in, until everyone gasped and started berating him with squeals and questions.

“Who is it?!?”

“It better not be Kiyoko Senpai!”

“It has to be to be Kaori, (Y/n’s) been talking to her alooooot lately!”

He couldn’t help but scrunch up his nose at the idea of dating one of Fukurodani’s managers.

“It’s...it’s not Kaori, no offense but I’d never date Kaori...” (Y/n) mused out as nonchalantly as he could. The second those words flew out of his mouth, he regretted not pretending it was Kaori, so they could drop the topic.

Everyone’s comments went in one of (y/n’s) ear and out the other, until yaku cleared his throat and said,

“If it’s not any of the managers, is it a guy then?”

All of the questions died down almost instantly. (Y/n) felt his blood ran cold.

“I mean...is it?” Akaashi broke the silence, maintaining direct eye contact with (y/n).

I’m not too sure with myself, (y/n) thought, chuckling dryly.

With (y/n’s) answer, or lack thereof, everyone started listing off the boys names or saying “is it me?? If it is sorry dude! Haha..” or some variations of that.

(Y/n) felt like he was going to combust with all the “is it —?’s” and “is it me’s??” He never wanted to think about it again, yet here he was, being-

“Is it Kuroo?” Bokuto grinned, half joking, gesturing to the 3rd year sitting right next to him.

(Y/n’s) eyes widened comically. Was it Kuroo?

He wasn’t sure why this one flushed him so bad. His hands started trembling from their spot in the air, and a red tint spread across his face like a virus. He knew he admired his captain, but having a full blown crush on him? He didn’t dare look up at everyone’s prying gaze, instead suddenly finding immense interest in a broken seam in his red volleyball shorts.

“Oh my god, it is Kuroo!” Someone squealed, probably someone like Bokuto. All their voices seemed to merge together and sound the same. People were gasping, nudging (y/n’s) shoulder, or saying stuff like “I support you!!” Or “you too would be soooo cute together!”

(Y/n) brought his fingers down and entangled them in his sweaty hair. “I’m..I’m not gay. I’m not...” (Y/n) rasped out defensively, trying to convince himself more than anyone else.

Warm hands grasped his wrists, pulling them away from (y/n) gently, forcing him to look up. Kuroo held a shit eating grin that made (y/n’s) stomach churn in both a good way and a horrible, horrible way.

“Oi oi, it’s ok to like boys (y/n)-what, are you in denial or someth-“

“Shut up! I’m straight, and I don’t like you! Don’t touch me!” (Y/n) suddenly lashed out, whipping his wrists out from Kuroo’s hold. He stood up abruptly, choked out a weak “I’m gonna get some fresh air” and staggered out of the room.

No one seemed to notice that Kuroo had put a finger down, as well.

——

Im not gay. I’m not gay. I’m not gay.

Is what (y/n) repeatedly told himself, in the bathroom.

(Y/n) threw water onto his face, before slapping his cheeks as hard as he can. He then backed into the bathroom wall and let himself sink down to the cold floor tiles.

“Goddamit...nnNNFUCK!” (Y/n) dug both his fists into the dirty bathroom floor. His hands stung from the impact. A sigh escaped from his lips as he hid his sopping wet face into his hands.

“What...the fuck...I’m not...they’re just...just stupid! Yeah! They’re stupid and I don’t have a crush on stupid Kuroo! Yeah! Y-Yeah..! .....Yeah...”

He sat in silence for what seemed like forever, before he got sick of listening to his own thoughts. He shakily brought himself up to his feet, and exited the bathroom.

——

Im not gay,

Is what (y/n) told himself, more calmly than before, heading towards the sleeping rooms with a stable smile.

He almost made it scott-free before he felt a hand firmly grasp his shoulder.

“Hey.”

(Y/n) didn’t dare to turn around.

“I...they..might’ve jumped to conclusions, but I really need to know.”

Do you now? Cause I’d like to know, too.

A heavy silence consumed both of them whole. Kuroo forced (y/n) to turn around, tilting his head up with his finger.

“Do you like me.” It was more like a statement than a question.

“I...i don’t know? I think? Maybe?? I-I’m not sure...” Kuroos serious gaze boor holes into (y/n’s) face.

“You don’t know?”

“I don’t know! I mean-I’ve always thought about it, but I never considered that I could be...y’know...and I never really thought about you like that till Bokuto brought it up...”

Kuroo was tacken aback by the sudden raise in pitch, but quickly regained his neutral expression.

“Kiss me.”

It was (Y/n’s) turn to be shocked.

“What-“

“You heard me.”

“You can’t be serious,” (y/n) awkwardly chuckled. He ran fingers through his hair. “Kuroo, hey-“

The middle blocker grabbed hold of the (h/c) boy. He yelped and struggled in his grasp, but Kuroo held his hand firm.

“You don’t know how you feel about me, right? Do you want your answer or not?”

It was rare moments like these where Kuroo wasn’t being smug, or wearing his shit-eating grin, that ignited a confusing flame inside (y/n’s) chest and/or dick. (Y/n) let out a shaky breath.

“Yeah, fine-whatever lets get it over with.” (Y/n) grumbled, red in the face.

Kuroo took hold of (y/n’s) chin with his thumb and index finger, and snaked his other arm around the boys waist. He leaned in slowly, letting their lips meet in the middle.

This didn’t feel similar to the kiss he had in junior high. It felt better. It didn’t feel forced or boring like it did when he kissed that girl, this one feels nice. (Y/n) let his eyes flutter closed while he clutched Kuroos shoulders weakly.

Kuroo began to pull away, but (y/n) whimpered and lunged forward to connect their lips once more. It was a sensation that he never wanted to let go of, but of course, air was also something he couldn’t live without.

They pulled away simultaneously, (y/n) very obviously heaving while Kuroo let out a few deep exhales.

“So...” Kuroo said, wiping spit from his swollen red lips. “How do-“

“I love you.” (Y/n) said, testing the words out on his tongue.

“Hm?” Kuroos vague response dug a pit into (y/n’s) stomach. Did I misread this situation?

(Y/n) broke into a cold sweat. “Aah...I mean-I think, no hard feelings if you don’t like dudes-I mean I just found out myself so it’s all good-“ Kuroos booming, stupid hyena laugh broke (y/n) out of his rambling session. (Y/n) looked up at the middle blocker, and slowly relaxed and let himself smile at his antics.

“You really think too much...” Kuroo said, wiping an invisible tear from his eye. “Don’t worry, I like you too~”

He patted the boy on his head, as (y/n’s) cheeks flushed involuntarily.

I could be gay,

(Y/n) told himself, hand in hand with his newly found boyfriend, Kuroo Tetsurō.

And that’s fine by me.

———————

Extra:

“Get it, (y/n)! Kuroo! Use a condom boys!” Bokuto yelled, from behind a gym wall with Akaashi. The two turned around, surprised.

“Sorry. Bokuto was curious when you said ‘I need to find my new boyfriend, I’ll be right back’, and left.” Akaashi said, fiddling with his ring finger.

“It’s fine. I wasn’t lying when I said ‘new boyfriend’ though, huh, (Y/n)?” Kuroo smirked, slapping his ‘new boyfriend’ firm on the ass. (Y/n) gave a yelp before blushing and clutching the spot where Kuroo smacked.

It would’ve been fine if it was a normal person who slapped him, but in his case, it wasn’t.

But let me tell you, volleyball players spikes are very, very hard. And Kuroo was no exception.

There was a hand-shaped mark on (Y/n’s) ass for a week straight.

————————