#but also it's just really funny. yeah i love writing about grief. yeah i'm fine

[theminecraftbee]

i will say, a fascinating writing thing to me is the way people assume that major themes in my writing or issues the characters have must be from life somewhere. if someone writes a lot about grief, they must be grieving. if someone writes a lot about death, they must be grieving. if someone writes a lot about identity, they must struggle with their own identity. if someone writes a lot about struggling with morality, well, they must be doing that themselves.

this is fascinating as someone who writes constantly about dark themes but like... yeah i know who i am (to the extent anyone does)? i actually don't really have anyone in my life i'm grieving, haven't dealt with that much yet in my life? my self-image is like, fine, i have anxiety, but like, i'm aware of that? i'm fine guys, i just think writing about strong emotions is more fun than writing about like, being satisfied in a 9-to-5 office job and vibing,

[a-sparrows-melody]

The Mortal Instruments - Cassandra Clare

DISCLAIMER: These are my opinions. I do not mean harm - neither to the creator of this wonderful series, nor to the fandom and any of its followers. If you do not agree with my opinion, please do not engage merely to fight with me (I don't like it).

The Mortal Instruments series by Cassandra Clare is a mixed bag of brilliance and flaws, particularly when revisited with a more critical eye.

I'd started reading this during a reading slump, so the books seemed absolutely perfect - filled with fast-paced action, vivid world-building, and a character-driven plot that never felt dull. The relatable flaws of the characters, especially Clary's ideals and Jace's identity crisis arc, made them endearing (at least in the first four books).

The first three books stood out, reflecting Clare’s meticulous research and captivating writing style, which skillfully incorporated advanced vocabulary. These elements created a strong and powerful narrative that resonated deeply, making the books a joy to read (especially during a reading slump, when you want nothing serious).

Simon's character was sort of relatable as well, and Magnus and Alec's relationship was really sweet. Isabelle was fairly fine as a character (mind you, I'm only talking about the first three books) - so no qualms for any of them (they were written as well as they could have been written).

However, the series' latter half falters. The fourth book was fine, merely as a check-in on beloved characters, but by the fifth and sixth installments, the story had fallen apart. The writing style had lost it's grip on me.

Clary's transformation into a Mary Sue (reminiscent of Bella from Twilight), was particularly disappointing. Her character became obsessed with Jace, reducing her personality to just her relationship with him (you know those high-school couples that make dating their entire personality?). Additionally, Clare’s portrayal of Clary’s victim complex was frustrating; in every battle, Clary does so little yet ends up needing the most care - which felt unrealistic and annoying.

Sebastian was just straight-up psychopathic (which was great - I love psychopathic antagonists) but he should have remained dead, in my opinion. The Lilith plot-line was just an unnecessary appendage.

A significant shortcoming of the series is its superficial treatment of human emotions. Despite being a character-driven story, the emotional depth of characters like Clary and Jace is often glossed over. Their traumas are mentioned but never fully explored, making their reactions feel shallow and disconnected from their experiences. For instance, the death of Jordan Kyle, a close friend, is barely acknowledged, with the characters quickly moving on without much reflection or grief (literally they're like: oh, that's sad. Hey, those are funny, undersized pajamas!).

The series also became repetitive, with a recurring plot cycle involving Jace getting possessed -> shutting down/running away -> Clary attempting to "save" him (read: putting more people in danger).

This redundancy, coupled with the lack of emotional realism, made the latter books feel like a letdown. Ultimately, the series should have ended after the first three books - which delivered a powerful message about a neglectful government and a flawed revolution. The decision to extend the series only diluted its impact, turning it into a disappointing follow-up to an initially strong start.

Yeah, I don't think I'll read the rest of the Shadowhunters mega-series

-X-

Trying books reviews for the first time! Yay! Any thoughts?

[boookfreeak]

A couple of years ago, I had a crazy fever dream about a book. It was about this big city girl moving to a small town and then having romantic relationships with two brothers.

But it wasn't just your everyday incesty love triangle, oh no. It was much more complicated. Because the reason she moved from NYC to that small-ass town, called Mystic Falls 2.0, was that her entire family died in a car crash and she had to move in with her dead mom's best friend. Who happened to be the mom/guardian of 12 boys (technically 11 and one girl named Parker but I didn't even realize Parker was a girl for solid half the book). And two of those brothers happened to be the brothers.

Yeah so she hooked up with two boys. Who lived together. With whom she lived with too.

And tbh, that book was kinda shit. The romance was weird, the writing a bit wack and she sort of forgot all the time about her whole family dying in favor of obsessing about one brother and then the other?

The one thing I really, really enjoyed about the book was the sibling dynamic. Not necessarily between the two main brothers who hated each other the whole time, but the rest. And also the way she bonded with almost all of them and none of the siblings were ever really left behind in the story.

Idk, it might be a bit wrong as it's definitely been a few years since I read it, and I was also in my tween years at the time. But I really liked that side of the book.

WELL. Anyway. Now, years later, I open netflix one random day and see a trailer to the book I believed to have been a wild fever dream of mine. And now I'm sitting here, on the release day of Netflix's own 'My Life With the Walter Boys', and I'm already 7 episodes in. And I'm kind of enjoying it. Don't get me wrong, the editing is kinda horrible and everything is way to dramatic but they added a whole lot more lore to it (the brothers get more background stories, more friend drama and she actually talks a fine amount about her grief) and I'm kind of enjoying the actors, so it's actually fine.

It's a funny throwback for me, to say the least.

I'm definitely re-reading that book tonight, aren't I.

[greenfinchwriter]

It was a snippet,everyone is freaking out about a snippet of a few lyrics, in a proof of concept/hype teaser, and some outfits that might not be to your personal taste.

Deep breaths now,c'mon,easy does it.

I'm an 80s kid,and the child of two music obsessed people who had a massive vinyl and casette collection + concert keepsakes fastidiously organized and proudly displayed in our den.

Any car trip we went on would devolve into a jam session of some kind sooner or later.

Rockstar Lestat isn't cringe to me - it's comforting!😂🥺🥵

Let us dejected old folks who love this kind of thing have it,please kids.

It's absolutely a taste thing,and that's okay but not everything that isn't to your taste is bad or cringe. It's also fine not the like the glam style or genre they decided on for Lestat,that again is personal taste and preference but the composers and writers are trying, working hard, and have a vision,they are incredibly talented. Last but not least, let's all remember that Rice herself had certain inspirations in mind when writing Rockstar Lestat which were very much of the era. We don't even really know anything about Rockstar Lestat's music yet. If they go with the inspirations they and Rice cited,and add some more for good measure,then he will have RANGE.

Regardless of genre or sub genre,so many of these artists were REAL musicians who could compose, play multiple instruments,perform, and have become deservedly immortal for their music. Imho,almost every track back then had that something that a lot of, if not all, of modern mainstream music is missing. It had grit, it had soul, it felt real and right in your bones. They gave their all on stage,often to exhaustion - long shows that had clothing discarded,barefoot, and voices scratching at the end. Drink? Smoke? Do drugs? Half way in the crowd? Groupies? Fuck yeah! With the greats of the era, 99% of the spectacle was their music,style, and incredible stage presence - even those who had stage effects or props didn't really need them.

From Freddie Mercury playing piano to Bruce Springsteen with his harmonica etc etc etc - the style/genre doesn't really matter because it doesn't get better than just pure talent,chest hair,and a dose of creative madness.

I'm sorry but I think he looked fantastic,hell they toned his style way down - have you seen some of those bands in their stage get ups, and the music videos?! Wait and see if that's what you wanted, you'll never know what's really coming.

All of this is so funny to me. That teaser was both amazing and also so very tame. He didn't even rip the head off of a bat on stage or anything - if that's what you want maybe wait for the actual season,who knows,if Louis and Doc Bhansali can't get him to take his meds he might very well go there🤣 But fr he did look like he stepped out of my memories of that time,that's for sure. Just dressed down,and more little sad meow meow-y. That Big Bird jacket was so cute c'mon😆🤩

Baby needs an intervention,sure,but damn if he doesn't glam that mental illness,rock that personality disorder,and maybe hopefully even metal that grief and bitterness😁

(Please let people look forward to something,even something imperfect or something that isn't to your taste,some of us need it to distract us from real world BS)

[bangtthedoldrums]

life update?

July is almost over, i think these days i'm seeing glimpses of light at the end of the 27 tunnel. why am i writing all these on tumblr, you may wonder? i'm attention-seeking, i seek attention, i fear.

(let's bffr, whose attention am i seeking when i literally have <5 followers here haha, what a melodramatic bitch)

these days i'm feeling relatively stable. i'm laughing a lot, i'm smiling a lot. i mean i was already starting to, then the whole Kamala effect kicked off and i find myself laughing at dumbass things - nothing's ever that serious lol

the astrology people on twitter were not kidding about Saturn's return. 27 has been so fucking difficult, i can see why Club 27 even exists in the first place.

i wouldn't say i was "fighting" the last few months, "fighting" to stay alive? nah. some of my friends know i'm absolutely not "fighting" in any way. i'm glad i hung around i guess?

Sufjan, you're undeniably talking to yourself in this track. i would like to answer your question if that's okay. i probably wouldn't a few months ago, but yes, now i do care if i survive this.

oh god it's finally happening i guess. the time to get over a relationship is half the time it lasted. the timeline fits i guess.

"I'm frightened of the end, I'm drowning in my self-defense" and "Think of me as what you will, I grow like a cancer" sound about right.

"Did I cross you? Did I fail to believe in positive thoughts? Our romantic second chance is dead, I buried it with the hatchet"

"If I get a little prettier, can I be your baby? You tell me, 'Life isn't that hard' " yeah. sounds about right.

the season of pain and hopelessness has passed, and with resignation and acceptance comes revelation. and that revelation is that it's over.

okay. enough about that for now. please allow me to ramble on about things that have been in my head the last few days (or last few months haha).

the first thing - i'm not sure if i'm delulu or what, but please go with me here. these days i stare into the mirror, and my face looks like it's in the process of chiseling itself out. i can see my cheekbones. my cheeks look hollower. (but that could be an illusion? from the shadow of the temple of my glasses casted on my cheeks.)

i don't know if that is part of ageing. or if i lost weight. or if i'm sick. i feel fine though. but i would not be surprised if i secretly had lung cancer all these time from all those years of cigarettes smoking, and now vaping. who knows! i look hot so whatever.

the second thing - i've been listening to chappell roan a lot the last few months, just about the time i noped out of social media lol.

i've been returning to my punk/alternative/rock roots lately. i have too much pent-up rage lately methinks. rage from grief, rage from injustice, rage from.......... actually these two are mainly it. i can't really think of anything right now.

the third thing - penn badgley is so hot. haha. as a sapphic (mostly) no man has ever made me feel anything except penn badgley. not that joe goldberg persona though, it's dan humphrey and woodchuck todd. okay fine, there were. but i would like to mention penn badgley for now 😀

the fourth thing - i've been feeling a lot more social lately. being social online helps. talking to people helps. making plans with friends whom i love, trust, and respect helps.

i wonder if i wasted all these time isolating myself. maybe i'd be better quicker. or i'd lash out for no good reason. we'll never know. i guess it also helps when the trigger of my fight or flight isn't living down the hallway anymore?

the fifth thing - i find myself funny again. not like "i'm insulting someone for shits and giggles" funny. like i could make jokes again. like my humour is back. i scrolled through my reddit account a few days back and i don't even remember most of the comments i've made with that account. i used to be so funny and quick-witted. it's all coming back slowly so i'm glad 😄

okay folks, that's all for now. i've disappeared for a while but i'm back. thank you for your patience and understanding.

27's almost over. i don't know if i "can't wait for it to be over." i don't really feel anything about getting older. i'm literally still a baby when it comes to my prefrontal cortex. or a toddler if you're particular. i guess anything can still happen from now till September, the universe's always listening !!! 😀

why the tell-all now, girl? who knows! maybe i wna start documenting stuff again. i don't remember things from the last 8 to 9 months. with everything else that went on in my head i'm surprised that i lasted this long.

maybe i wna be honest.

"Come one, come all, I'll tell you my secrets. I'm kinda like a prettier Jesus"

this must be what Lorde feels when she wrote Solar Power

[ilthit]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

I was tagged by @keirgreeneyes

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 

Not counting orphaned or anonymized, 297.

2. What's your total A03 word count?

803,155 words, and that includes co-author input. I've been a short fic, instant satisfaction kinda writer for most of this time.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently trying to finish something for Scum Villain's Self-Saving System, and editing the epic Righteous Blood, Ruthless Blades campaign story with @minutia-r. I get really into a fandom and write a bunch for it, then I get out of the fandom and write whatever + original fiction, then maybe get into a different fandom. You know how it is.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Bonus Material, The Makings of Fate, One Thing or Another, The Upstart King and His Golden Concubine, and Some Sugar for Daddy, all of them Scum Villain. It's definitely the biggest fandom I've written for recently. I used to write Discworld and LotR, which are bigger, but those are mostly not up on AO3 and none are very long.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I usually do, especially for smaller fandom fics, not always. But even if I don't, I see and appreciate; I also see and appreciate the kudos. No pressure to comment, y'all.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I have written a fair bit with angsty endings. Maybe The Greyest Timeline (Community); or maybe it just felt angsty, because I wrote it to process my grief over Troy and Abed's separation. Also there may be some I anonymized... but that's my business.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

What a question. 🤔 I'm not sure I can answer that one. I recognize a lot may have more mixed endings, but there are too many to think through.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Rarely. I can't remember an incident right now.

9. Do you write smut?

Yeah.

10. Do you write crossovers?

Not as a rule. My favourite of the few currently up is The Last Florentian, a crossover between Poirot and Jeeves & Wooster, in which Lady Florence and Miss Lemon fall in love.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! Sometimes ones I really didn't think deserved it, but it's not up to me, is it? I always give permission.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Hehe yeah, the Lin Moniao series, which grew out of TTRPG.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Pass!

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Original works. My 60s LA gumshoe novel, the superhero comedy that in retrospect is probably not as funny as I thought it was.

16. What are your writing strengths?

🤔 Side characters with interiority. Ability to keep an entire world in my head, and invent on the spot. Flexibility. Sense of the shape of a story. Not getting too hung up on whether what I produce is popular (so I don't write stuff I don't care about just for the clicks, or get distressed if I get none).

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Losing motivation in the middle of writing longer fic. Underthinking. Messy. Unable to edit effectively due to having lost interest. Self-indulgent ficlets that are more me speaking my thoughts out than anything designed for an audience. Piling my plate too high when I get excited for challenges. Occasionally I have to take a break in the Pit of Despair.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Usually not necessary. Fine if you like it.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Not entirely sure. It was either Dragonlance or Ranma 1/2. Neither will be on AO3.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

If the Lin Moniao series counts as a fic, then it's the Lin Moniao series.

Has everybody been tagged? tagging uhhh @minutia-r

[borealis-hopping]

((WARNING LMAO, this post turned out a lot longer than I thought it would, sorry. Autistic idiot rambles about Jack Stauber for multiple paragraphs.))

TLDR; Watching Jack get popular as a fan who was there before he went viral has been great, however, most people only seem to view his art as nothing but a vehicle for their own. Taking inspiration from other people's art for your art is wonderful and fine, however if you ONLY view someone's art as nothing but a vehicle for your own, it's not great. Doing so ignores the intention behind it, covers up it's original meaning, separates it from it's artist, and ultimately strips it of it's worth as an individual art piece, even if that wasn't your intention at all. ((Also pls listen to more than just the same 4 songs, he has a pretty big amount of music out there and it's all really good, give it a try and stop listening to nothing but "Buttercup"))

vv Thoughts below vv

________________________________

Look it's 1am so idk if I'll word my exact feelings on this as ideally as I'd want to but like, I have mixed feelings on the fan base that has formed around Jack Stauber's work.

While yes it is good he's getting popular, and yes it is good he's finding success after all his years of work, and yes I'm happy people are enjoying his music, I can't help but find the fan base that has formed around his music to be fairly disingenuous.

And by disingenuous I mean, most people don't tend to care about the art of the music itself, what any of it actually means, or the heart and intentions put into it, or really Jack himself. Now ik this makes me sound like a pretentious dickbag, but it comes from a place of care.

I love Jack Stauber's work because it's so interesting to me. Not cause "oh wow it's so weird and fucked up!! Jack must be such a fucked up edgy guy to make such surreal art LOL." But because of the amount of soul is in his work.

I think people are too fast to dismiss surreal art as meaningless or weird simply for the sake of being weird, completely missing any thought the artist put into it. Like, if you have the capacity to suspend your disbelief even for a second and look past his arts surreal aspects, you'll see just how /human/ Jack's writing and art is.

While I'm not generalizing EVERY thing he's made or is going to make, ultimately I think Jack's work is about humanity. Human struggle both internal and external, with relationships, grief, communication, and the complexities of self image.

If you pay attention to how he writes his characters, all the dialogue feels really authentic. Like yeah I can imagine passing a person in public who sounds like that or would say that, or I could totally see a person in that context talking like that. He seems to have a really good understanding of people.

The way he portrays them is honest but not nihilistic. They're just people, and sometimes people are a bit weird, or awkward, or just plain dumb. But they're still people and they're not evil for being that way.

Even in Jack's more surreal shorts or songs, if you pay attention to the lyrics and context clues, you can probably derive meaning from it that in one way or another is fairly human and sincere.

Ofc surreal art that is weird or funny or off putting simply for the sake of being so has plenty of worth as well, and I'm sure Jack has just had fun here and there making strange stuff for the sake of making strange stuff. (Think "Nerpo") and that's valid too!

But ig what I'm getting at here is that, more often than not the majority of engagement I see w/ Jack Stauber's work outside of his YouTube channel, is people simply using his work as a vehicle for their own characters or stories, or fandoms.

Now I'm in no way saying that doing that stuff is inherently bad. I do it all the time! Finding inspiration from other artists as a way to express and expand your own art is beautiful and extremely fun, HOWEVER-

That seems to be the /ONLY/ type of engagement there is. Which, sadly, isn't great. Using someone else's pre-made art, especially music, as a vehicle for your own fandom/art isn't bad, however, if you ONLY view that person's art as nothing BUT a vehicle, even if it's not your intention, you completely lose sight of the art you're riding off of. You separate it from it's artist, disregard it's original meaning, cover up the intentions behind it, and ultimately kinda strip it of its own individual worth as a piece of art.

Anyways! Enjoying Jack's work is good but I wish more people would appreciate his work for what it is on it's own, as well as who Jack is as an artist and look at his work with a more realistic and proper perspective even if it does look "weird" or "pointlessly creepy"

Also this is a bit more petty and just how I feel but PLEASE listen to more than just the same 3 to 4 songs. There's nothing wrong with having favorite songs or just listening to the same few songs from an artist and not exploring the rest of their work, and like idc if saying this makes me sound like a shitty hipster- if you're gonna do that just PLEEAASE stop walking around and telling people you're this BIG Jack Stauber fan when the only songs you listen to are "Oh Klahoma" "Coffee" and "Buttercup"

He has SUCH a big selections of tracks out there if you include both the extended and non-extended micropop songs, as well as his albums. My personal favorite album is "HiLo", it means a lot to me and is getting me through a pretty tough time in my life rn. I recommend ALL of his music! Even his very first album, and the stuff at the start of his YouTube channel.

There's even people trying to compile his "lost media" on SoundCloud. Old and unreleased music he never put on YouTube. It's a fun thing to look into if you feel up to it!

[platinum-iridium]

Claire deserved so much better! The writing didn’t always give her the credit she deserved but the actress held it down. Really made space for both compassion and cleverness and I enjoyed the calm sincerity she brought to the cases. I rewatched seasons 6-12 this spring (skipped her death episode so stupid and they didn’t even grief her properly after like really) and you’re right after her no other ADA is fully fleshed out like they either over focus on one aspect of her personality or they flip-flop like they did Serena. She changes motivation and personality traits depending on which direction writers went to take her for the case of the week. I think the actress handled it well and tried to create a sense of coherency throughout the seasons but the writing was ass. Very idgaf energy lol. For faves it’s Ross (she could’ve been great and often was, but then they would put her in her ‘place’ by having her encounter some despicably misogynistic judge or her lameass, uglyass, shortass ex-husband, who was nasty and did not need to be involved in the narrative at all) and Abby, who was second only because I despised her hatred for female suspects. Like yeah she’s conservative (likely due to the actress herself being conservative) but so many times they would just make her vicious and nasty even when it went against the point she was arguing. I often think of the rape case where she said something to the effect of wanting the victim to suffer because being assaulted as a prisoner was no excuse and then she used her own assault to justify it? Can’t fully remember because I’ve fast-forward through most of it, but it was terrible. The writers really dropped the ball on so many of the “woman’s issues“ cases like the misogyny really jumped out. I really enjoyed her when she was on a regular murder/scam case though. She’s shrewd and funny and loves to nab a perp with a nasty one liner and I think she and Jaime are the few that felt equally matched Jack. Haven’t seen past s13 so idk how that goes but the new seasons are ass, lawyer wise. Nolan is a big old wet blanket that I actually like lol but Sam is a dullard. Hot but that’s where it ends and it’s annoying because they could write her better but they simply don’t care to. Baxter(?) is fine so far but more because I know him as Kerry Washington’s fake white husband and not because of this role because again, boring. They need to shake things up over there fr. 

i want you to know how happy i was to see this block of text lmao. answer is going under the cut because this turned into a manifesto

yeah i think jill hennessy was a real credit. some of the best acting on law and order for me is when the characters aren't actually speaking. it's in the looks and the expressions. and the thing that i liked about claire that we don't see from a lot of ADAs is that i felt like we got to watch her struggle and develop, maybe because she had to have been one of the youngest. i actually kind of like her final episode but i don't know if i'll ever watch it again. it's hard to get through. also i think they decided to kind of pull back after showing us their personal lives so much but i think the subtle effects of claire's loss are felt. in the way briscoe was immediately and strongly back on the wagon. in the way jack's dick found its way firmly back into his pants.

serena was a mess as a character lmfao. i could never get a read on her and then there's her final line like oh ok. i'm wondering if a second watch will clear anything up for me with her character but i suspect not. is it because i'm a lesbian, no it's because you're insane

i really like jamie too. i agree that her biggest character flaw is that ex husband of hers but honestly i'm chalking it up to man probably being intimidated by her a lot and sometimes it's the short ugly ones who have built up a callus to rejection so they'll just go for it. he's a real piece of work though so i guess she mainly saw that nasty streak channeled through work so she chalked it up to passion about the job? not like they got into it too deeply. i hate watching her get sexually harassed all the time but it's probably realistic. it got handled about as well as could be hoped for by a mostly male writers room when jack and adam defended her but creating strong male heroes in that scenario ... ok lol i thought we were going for realism. with all the repeated stories of women "sleeping their way to the top" would have been more interesting i think if they explored the catch-22 of it all. damned if you do play along, damned if you don't. but i don't expect that kind of depth from men.

abby i have very mixed feelings about as a person. i would start liking her until her opinions started shining through lmao. i think the exploration of a right wing woman is really interesting (shout out dworkin lol) but I don't think the writers were equipped to do it well. the viciousness did seem misplaced but i think it could have been explained by unresolved feelings about the assault. i think that internalized misogyny can be really interesting but again i don't really trust men to bring it home. for all that she was still a good character, i agree she could have been better written.

the new lawyers are ass but i enjoyed the last lawyers of the old law and order, cutter and rubirosa. i think they have big shoes to fill following after the mccoy show both as actual actors but as characters (which i want to say i enjoy when the character and the actor have parallel journeys, like when olivia benson has to figure out how to move past elliott leaving) and if you watched cutter as bureau chief on svu, that's not the real him, that was his tether

nolan is so fucking boring lmao. but he's grown on me enough to be kind of lukewarm about it. like he doesn't really seem to have that much passion. ben stone was motivated largely by justice and doing the right thing within the rules. jack mccoy tells us he wants to win and we see him do it by any legal means necessary. cutter is kind of in between, he wants to fill jack's shoes and he's willing to tip toe over some lines ethically to get it done. wtf does nolan really want. i don't feel it from him at all. like what is his central motivation. like they gave us that moral conflict in the death penalty episode but it just didn't hit for me. what is he really about? i don't know. watching the actor tear up while being stoic is fine enough though i guess.

feel the same about sam lol so gorg but literally a blank slate of a character. like they aren't even trying with her. someone needs to tell the writers that establishing that her sister died to dv and never got justice is not the same as creating character traits. also that one episode where she's speaking in court (i think doing a cross examination of a woman, all she's good for of course) and then nolan has to save her is sooooooo. like i get what they were going for but like wtf.

baxter is giving me weird vibes but i watched scandal so i could understand how people feel about him. i am still not seeing the vision. i think everyone is allowing kerry washington's fineness to cloud their eyes there.

[renneiscent]

Writing prompt: MC, Jessy, Hannah, Lily and Cleo are all having a hard time dealing with what happened in the mine. They decide to take a girls trip to get their minds off of everything but things don't go as planned. Bonus points if you make it really funny.

WN: Hello Red, thank you so much for giving this challenging prompt! I deeply apologise for writing this late and I'm not sure if this what you had expected but I would still publish it anyway because I love to ruin people's expectation aha. So, yeah. I'm sorry for my messy writing and grammar. Please bear it with me. Warning: Violence. Characters: MC, Jessy, Cleo, Lilly, Hannah, and little bit of Jake because why not? Words: 4000 more or less.

Don't Be A Stranger.

Things are being so hard after what happened in the mines. It’s been months and no one is able to move on. Everyone is having hard time and it shows as clear as the glass on their faces. Dan’s remorse, Cleo’s frustration, Lilly’s misery, Thomas’s resentment, Hannah’s regret, and Jessy. . . .I’m not sure with Jessy. One time her eyes look darker and show rage, one time her eyes look miserable and show grief, and one time her eyes look like an empty hole and show nothing.

Everything is not the same anymore after Richy’s death, after the veracity of the story has been revealed; after all of us know the truth behind Man Without A Face, after all of us know the story among Hannah, Richy, and Amy. Everything is not the same after what happened in the mines.

I don’t think I’m also able to accept this, to accept the truth completely. Even though we managed to rescue Hannah, even though Jake is safe and not getting caught from his pursuers, even though the case is over, but it feels so wrong. Of course it is, someone is died. Our friend is died. Nothing will be the same anymore.

But it doesn’t mean we cannot have time to put aside the grief and look after ourselves first, right? So, here we are; trying everything to get our minds off from everything for a while. The girls are planning to make a short trip to the beach, its 3 days and 2 nights trip. At first, the boys are against this but Cleo and Lilly already rented mini RV for our trip and they finally relented. But Jake is still against this and he keeps telling me how bad this idea is. Just like right now.

JAKE: I’m still not surely pleasant with this trip, MC.

MC: I know, but we are on our way already. Cleo is driving the RV right now while chit-chatting to Jessy, the RV is surprisingly huge! Hannah and Lilly are playing cards right now, they are just giggling to each other. All of them are trying to have fun, Jake. Isn’t that great?

JAKE: What about you?

MC: I want to play cards too but you still cannot let me go. Here I am trying to reassure you everything will be fine

JAKE: Alright.

JAKE: But I still want you to keep me posted. I want to make sure you are doing fine there.

MC: Yes, sir!

JAKE: Haha.

JAKE: Talk to you later, MC.

JAKE IS NOW OFFLINE

I put my phone away and walk to the table where Hannah and Lilly are playing cards; both of them now are looking at me with cards on their hands. “Hey, I want to join after you are done playing.”

“You mean after I make Hannah lost the bet,” Lilly is smirking.

“Oh right, you wish.” Hannah sticks her tongue out.

It’s fun to see all of them are doing well, especially for Hannah. She has had treatment for her trauma which not only about when she’s missing but also everything in the past. I still have mixed up feeling about Hanson’s family doesn’t accuse her but instead just let her go like this. It’s clear as mud, I’m grateful for her but no doubt that it makes me confused and hard to understand.

“MC, look at this!” Jessy shouts my name with waving her phone in front of me. “This is our beach house. It looks so pretty, right?” she is smiling from ear to ear. I’m smiling back at her and giving nod.

“It is. How can we afford that again?” I turn myself to Cleo, trying to recall how we can a beautiful house near the beach which looks like out from the fairy tale.

“My cousin let me borrow it since she owes me something. I never want to black-mailing her like this but I think it’s great opportunity for all of us.” Cleo grins while explaining.

“Cleo is the life-saver!” Hannah exclaims, her reaction makes us laugh. But I take a glance to Jessy, she’s smiling but I have no clue why but her smile doesn’t show happiness. I think I might stare at her for too long and she somehow can sense it because right now she is looking at me and with this smile on her face and eyebrows are raised; somehow asking me through telepathy why I am staring at her. I shake my head and give my reassurance smile to her.

While heading to the beach and our lovely house, we are spending our times in the road by giggling, joking around, playing board game or stupid truth or dare. It feels so nice and I’m enjoying every moment I have with them. It feels like we are really having trip like common people, like the trip that we usually do when we have time to hang out together. It feels normal.

We are finally arrived to our beach house. Cleo parked our RV in front of the house and turn off the machine. “Alright, girls. We are here, let’s check the house first before we bring our bags inside.” Cleo gets out first from the car and I can see her checking the house from the window.

“So, what are we waiting for?” Lilly walks toward the door then she’s trying to open it.

“Come on, Lilly!” Hannah says impatience. I peek from Hannah’s shoulder and it looks like that Lilly is having trouble to open the door.

“I don’t know why but the door is stuck!” she grunts while still trying to open it.

“What, really?” Jessy shows up behind me and her face is showing worried.

Lilly is still trying so hard to open the door but unexpectedly her hand is slipped and somehow hit Hannah’s in the nose. “Ouch!”

“Oh my god, sorry sis!” Lilly immediately reach Hannah and put her hands around Hannah’s neck; trying to hug her to ask for forgiveness. She is showing worried but also laughing at the same time, it makes Hannah feel annoyed and slap her shoulder playfully. The Donfort sisters’ act makes me and Jessy laugh by seeing their bickering like that. As soon as all of us are laughing, Cleo managed to open the door from outside. Her doing catch all of our attentions.

“What on earth that taking you guys so long? And why Hannah’s nose is so red?” Cleo’s question then makes us to continue our laughs again.

I walk out from the RV and look in awe to the beach house in front of me. There is only one house there and no residences surround us. I remember that Cleo mentioned that this is private place and the neighbourhood are living 30 minutes from our place. Great place to enjoy our time to relax or even if someone kidnap and murder any of us since no one can hear and bother with our existence.

The house is beautiful, it is painted by mixing of baby blue and ivory, it has three floors and my guess that the third floor is an attic. Beneath the house is like an empty place to chill and relax since there are some wooden beach chairs and small table heading to the beach behind the house. To get inside the house, we need to take the outdoor stairs. The terrace in front of the front door is not quite big and also there is nothing special in the terrace. The only thing that catching my eyes is the windows in this first floor are wide picture size in each side, which offer best way to enjoy the scenery and let the sunray shower the house.

Inside the first floor of the house, we are able to see the living room and open kitchen and also another terrace in the end corridor of the house which showing directly the view of the beach. There is a fireplace which somehow makes me excited. There are also stairs that heading to the second floor of the house, under the stairs is bathroom which contains toilet, mirror that pinned on the wall, and corner shower with glass and no curtains to cover it. Either the architect or the owner of this house is confident with their body until they won’t complain if someone suddenly breaks in inside while they are showering.

“Our bedroom is in the second floor, we are going to split up since it’s only two bedrooms. The main bedroom is filled by 3 people and the second one is for 2 people.” Cleo explains while she is heading to us. We are already resting ourselves on the couch in the living room; feeling exhausted all of sudden after the long trip.

“How are we going to do that?” Hannah asks, her head is resting on Jessy’s shoulder.

“I’m all okay with whichever room but I want to sleep with Hannah.” Lilly explains then wrap her arms on Hannah’s arm. Hannah gives this disgusted expression toward her.

“Let me breath for a while, Lilly! You cannot always stick to me.” Hannah rolls her eyes.

“Yes, I can!” Lilly stick her tongue out.

“I think it will be great if we just do it with fate. Let’s play rock, paper, scissor to decide it?” I finally suggest. After hearing my suggestion, Hannah’s face beaming.

And that’s how the next thing happened is we did rock, paper, and scissor and the universe decided our fate; the main room consist of Cleo, Jessy, and Lilly, meanwhile the other room is for Hannah and me. After deciding our rooms, we are bringing our stuffs to our own rooms.  The room is pretty much big and comfy with the wall is painted by ivory and some spots are covered by wallpaper with geometrical shape. There are bay windows with the blue couch leans on one of it and there is door which connects to the terrace which split our room with theirs. Our room only has one large bed there and it is somehow asking me to lie down, so I did what it has to be done.

“Heaven!” I throw myself to the bed, Hannah is giggling then doing the same thing like I did and right now she is lying beside me.

“The bed is so comfy.” She is rolling herself to left then to right and making her body is leaning with mine.

“I know right,” I close my eyes and try to relax my body with the fluffy pillow and soft linen under me.

“You know, I thank you to suggest we did rock, paper, and scissor for deciding our room. I want to stay away from Lilly for a while.” Hannah sighs, makes me to open my eyes and take glance to her.

“Why?” I shift my position to be able to look at her in the eyes.

“It’s just…after what happened makes her being so over-protective with me. I’m the one who supposed to do that since I’m the oldest from all of us, but this is kind of the opposite from the reality.” She explains, her hand is rubbing her face, frustrated if I might guess.

I didn’t say anything and just let her vent out the frustration, I cannot understand the feeling since I’m not the oldest child in the family but the youngest one; that’s why whenever people become too protective toward me, I already felt used with that. After all, Hannah is now an oldest sister with two younger siblings, it must have been hard for her to be taken care of all the time. Yes, you read that right. She already found out about Jake and I found it awful that Jake is few months younger than Hannah, since it means Mr Donfort kept both of Hannah’s and Jake’s mothers close at the same time. What a jerk.

I try to move the topic and talk about anything else to cheer her up. Luckily, my trick is working and now we are having long conversations about everything and cannot stop to laugh. While both of us are talking and laughing, our door which connects with the other bedroom is getting knocked on. It’s Jessy which asked us to join them to play with in the beach. We both agree and quickly get change ourselves with our swimsuits. We are playing with the warm sands and ocean wave; all of us are having great time.

After done playing with the ocean, I’m walking toward Jessy who is chilling with her drink in one of the wooden beach chairs. I’m having seat beside her, “enjoying your ‘me-time’?”

She nods then takes a sip from her drink, “of course. This place is perfect.”

“Perfect for taking break?” I confirm.

“Perfect for hiding and doing something that boost adrenaline!” she grins.

“Whoa, like what?” now I’m curious with what she is thinking since her eyes are sparkling because of excitement.

But Jessy didn’t say anything to answer my question and merely smile at me. There is this smile of her which giving me strange feeling because somehow it doesn’t look like her usual smile. I know this is weird; probably I’m just being paranoid and worried at her so I just try to shrug it off.

We are playing around, having fun, enjoying with each other’s company until any of us doesn’t realise that this is the last night that we are staying in this beach house. We wanted to make campfire outside but suddenly there is rainstorm and we decided to stay in the house and enjoy the warmth of the fire from fireplace. It is so nice and cuddly and all of us are curling to each other with the wide blanket covering. Even though there is so much rain falling and it sounds so intense outside, the pitter-patter of the raindrops against our windows and roofs mixed into one long and whirring noise; but it doesn’t bother us with the warmth of the fire and soft blanket which bathing our skin, giving us comfort and also pleasant feeling.

“Oh, I just remember something!” Jessy suddenly stood up from the couch and walking to the second floor, makes us wondering with what she is trying to do. Before any of us managed to ask her, she already headed to us with bringing a bottle of wine.

“You brought drink!” Hannah yells in happiness.

“I did, yeay! I’m sorry I almost forgot about it.” Jessy apologises then she walks to the kitchen and trying to open the bottle. Hannah and Lilly then walked to the open kitchen and helping her by bringing our glasses to drink the wine. At first, I refuse since I don’t think to drink for tonight, but they are good to persuade me so I decided to also enjoy the wine with them.

I don’t think I drink so much since I clearly remember that I only take one or two small sips but somehow my head started to spin and my eyes are so heavy and I suddenly feel so drowsy. The next thing I know that everything is suddenly collapsed into darkness and I hear there is something shattered.

When I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw is the fire from fireplace. I’m not sure at first because it’s still blurry but after I’m trying to recollect my consciousness, I’m sure it’s the fire from before. I’m still in the living room. My head is throbbing in pain and I’m still feeling dizzy, it feels like I just got beaten by some people. . . .or did I? Since I can sense my body is numb and something is holding me down and it seems to be tying me up. I look at my body and just found out that I’m actually being tied up.

In the room with only the fire from fireplace which helps me to observing my surrounding, I found out the others are also in the same condition with me. But they are still not conscious yet. There are Hannah, Cleo, Lilly, and. . . .hold on, where is Jessy? I want to call her name but somehow my throat is dry and there is no sound I could make. I start to be panic, I’m so worried what if someone who did this to us is kidnapping her and taking her somewhere. Whoever they are, I cannot see them anywhere.

“Oh, you are awake.”

I recognise the voice and my head is sticking to everywhere to look at the voice’s owner. My eyes widen in surprise, my brain is still trying to connect the dot. How can I manage to understand the reason Jessy is freely walking toward me without being tied up like the rest of us? Her smile is cold like there is neither empathy nor the kindness like she usually has; her gaze is so dark as if the whole storm and grey clouds managed to get inside. As much as I hate to admit, but there is only one reasonable explanation for this kind of situation.

I am furious. I am hurt. I feel betrayed. This is the second time; this is the second time after what Richy had done.

“Why?” I whisper in pain, finally let out the voice which just stuck in my dry throat.

“You tell me, MC. Why?” Jessy shrugs then walking in circle, “why the hell I can’t!?” she exclaims.

“Jessy…” I mutter her name, feeling lost and hurt until I have no clue what to say.

“I still don’t get it how could we suppose to move on from Richy’s death!? Especially you, MC! I expect a lot from you! This is so unfair. Why Hannah is alive when Amy and also Richy have to die! You think she deserve the second chance, no? After she killed someone, ups I mean—after she killed three people in row!” she snickers.

I shake my head, trying to wake myself up from this nightmare. This cannot be right, this cannot be happening! But nothing happens; I’m still here with this scary situation. Please let me wake up! I’m tearing up and slipping the tears fall down to my cheeks. I’m not scared with her; I’m scared with what my friend turned to be.

Jessy is heading to me then stroking my hair gently, and then she is pulling my hair so I can look at her in the eyes. I don’t know if it’s because of the expression I’m making and my teary eyes or she is suddenly in her right mind which making her soften her face, I can see the Jessy I have known through her eyes right now.

“My twin, I never wanted to hurt you…but you disappoint me.” She clicks her tongue and shakes her head in disapproval.

“What are you going to do right now?” I mumble, it’s hard to look at your friend suddenly become completely stranger who could never recognise in one night so I just look away; still being denial with whoever the person that I’m facing right now.

“What it has to be done.” She whispers then she lets her hand off from my hair then walking past me. I’m not sure what she’s doing but I can hear something splash and splatter behind my back. As soon as I can recognise the smell, I shut both of my eyes; the smell of gasoline. While my eyes are still shutting, accepting whatever the fate I will face in the split of seconds, I can hear the click sound which if I can guess it must be the sound of the lighter.

I open both of my eyes reluctantly and finding out Jessy is sitting beside me. “Why you are not leaving yet? This is only for VIP guest.” I joke, but my face is stern.

She is giving this dry laugh while her eyes are fixated with the fire which spreading and eating everything inside the house. “I’m also in the list, did you forget?”

I don’t understand with her words but I just let it go and then close both of my eyes.

“MC!? Wake up! MC!!”

I feel like someone is shaking my body and her voice is asking me to wake up, I want to really. But it’s hard to do that, I put so much effort to get out from this never-ending darkness and finally I managed to open my eyes. I quickly look at around me and find out there are Hannah, Lilly, Cleo, and also Jessy are staring at me. Their faces tell me that they are worried as hell. I almost cry out but instead that I’m giving them reassurance smile. That was just nightmare.

“I think I fell asleep.” I bite my lower lip nervously.

“You bet, the nightmare it must be what you are having.” Lilly sighs.

“You okay, MC?” Cleo asks in concern, I just give her nod and smile.

Apparently we are still chilling in the living room with the fire warms us while the rainstorm is still beating outside. There are some part of me which feel relieved because the nightmare I just had is ended, but some part is still feeling strange with the déjà vu I’m experiencing right now. All of them are worried and they might not say anything but their expressions are questioning my sanity.

“Everything is fine, girls.” I convince them.

“Tell us everything if you need something, okay?” Hannah rest her palm on my knee, I nod and mouth my answer, “of course.”

“I know what makes you feeling better,” Jessy is standing from the couch and jogging herself to the second floor. Before any of us could manage to ask what she is doing, she already came back with the wine on her hand. “I’m sorry, I almost forgot about it.” She apologises then walks to the kitchen and try to open the bottle.

There is strange feeling inside me. This already happened before.

“You brought drink!” Hannah yells in happiness. I immediately turn myself toward her, if my nightmare is really happening then she and Lilly will walk to the kitchen to get some glasses. And it’s true; both of them are now coming back with glasses. This can’t be happening right, this is just a coincidence right?

“I don’t think I want to drink right now.” I try to reject politely.

“Oh, why?” Hannah whines. I try to think hard with what’s reason I should make. I definitely cannot tell that I have strange feeling that my brain thinks I’m experiencing déjà vu, right? Can I?

“I don’t want my head is getting more hurt than it is now.” I lie.

“But, this is a medicine. Who knows if you take some sips then you are going to feel better?” Jessy suggests. I usually don’t have doubts to her but with I had experienced in my dream, I’m being sceptical.

“You sound lot like Dan right now.” Cleo laughs. “But don’t force MC; just go get some rest okay? You can go to sleep.”

Cleo is indeed a life-safer; I thank her and say good night to them before heading myself to my room with Hannah. Quickly I take my phone and send quick message to Jake, I don’t believe this déjà vu kind of crap or something, but if anything happens tonight, I want him to know that I love him so much.

MC: Jake, I have strange dream

MC: I think it’s more to be nightmare. The worst nightmare ever. And when I woke up, something strange is happening

MC: I just want you to know

MC: Oh God.. I know this is weird and silly but I just want you to know that

MC: Jake, I love you so much

MC IS NOW OFFLINE

After sending the messages to Jake, I can hear something is shattered in the first floor. Without thinking twice, I immediately run to there and find out the glass which Cleo was holding fell and shattered on the floor. Not only just Cleo, but Lilly, and also Hannah are lying unconscious on the couch. Before I managed to run from my position, something hit my back head and everything is suddenly going to dark.

[sortasirius]

what makes you think the writers want deancas? not trying to be an asshole, i'm just genuinely curious as to why you think that. i know berens' episodes are pretty heavy with subtext so i can see why you'd say that he wants it, but i'm not so sure about the rest of the writers/dabb. it seems like meghan isn't a huge fan either, given her "they twisted it so fast" tweet :/ of course she's a very new writer (think she's only writing one ep this season?) but still

OKAY this is a great question, welcome to my dissertation.

I’m going to address the end of your question first. Meghan is actually DeanCas positive, she has been for quite a long time. She actually, a few years back, posted a picture of her reading a literal book about Destiel and captioned it “writing reading” or something like that.

This whole thing just comes out of a boiling over of tensions because of how nasty fandom twitter can be. Like I said here, I think this has just gotten blown out of proportion, they shouldn’t have posted all this randomly disparaging stuff, but also like...can you blame them? The fandom is a lot, we always have been, and they’re probably also under a gag order not to talk about the finale, and are annoyed that people keep asking.

So nah, Meg is not anti Destiel.

To the first part!! So let’s take a look at the show runners since Cas has been around.

Seasons 4 and 5: Kripke

Seasons 6 and 7: Gamble

Seasons 8-11ish: Carver

Seasons 11ish-15: Dabb

So starting with Kripke. Okay, yes, I will be the first to admit that we have some pretty incredible Destiel moments in these seasons, but it’s less directly written into the plot and much more from Misha and Jensen’s uhhhh ~chemistry~. The only times it was directly written into the script was when the episode was handled by someone like Edlund (“On The Head Of A Pin,” “The End,” “My Bloody Valentine”). And you have to remember, if in season 5, there are moments here and there where you’re like huh that’s suspiciously romantic dialogue, remember that Cas took Anna’s place. Anna was supposed to be endgame for Dean, but due to a myriad of issues and Misha’s general greatness, Anna was replaced with Cas.

Onto 6 and 7. Hmmm. Gamble. 6 and 7 are my two least favorite seasons and that’s no secret, and that’s not only due to the plain old weird shit in the overall storyline, but also that homegirl killed off Cas in s7 and then Bobby like four episodes later. (Also it ALWAYS rubbed me the wrong way they couldn’t have Baby in that season lol). We still had some great DeanCas moments, but again, it wasn’t really written into the overall arc (until they had to change the end of season 7 because of tanking ratings and bring Misha back lol, anyone remember the fact that Dean kept Cas’ jacket and would randomly dream of him? Yeah.). But we still had those moments, those distinctly romantic moments, probably the best example in these two seasons is from Edlund again, specifically “The Man Who Would be King,” I wrote a little about that here.

We move onto Carver, who gave us, at this point, the most overt DeanCas season with season 8 (season gr8 is a better name imo), and this is the first time Dean and Cas’ relationship is directly written as an arc of the season.  I mean, you have everything in Purgatory, Dean “seeing” Cas everywhere, the fact that he felt so guilty that Cas stayed in Purgatory that he manipulated his own memories to think that he was the one that failed Cas, because he couldn’t comprehend that Cas would want to leave him, and let’s not forget Dean snapping Cas out of Naomi’s hold on him in “Goodbye Stranger.”  It was a very obvious shift, not enough to alert the general audience, but more than enough for most of us in fandom.

It’s also important to note that this is when Andrew stopped co writing with Loflin and started writing his own episodes (”Hunter Heroici” anyone?)  I like Loflin fine, but Dabb was able to stretch his legs a little bit more once he stopped co-writing, and we also began to see some DeanCas themes in his solo episodes.

In any case, them and their issues being a big part of the seasons continued with Carver, and Berens entered the scene, his first episode (”Heaven Can’t Wait”) is one of my favorites, with human Cas and the fanfiction gap and Dean and Cas just generally being awkward and funny and sweet.  This is Bobo’s FIRST episode, remember that.  He comes right out of the gate with it.

Also in Season 9, this is when Dean takes the Mark of Cain, and the Cas/Colette mirror is born, so obviously, Dean and Cas are the fabric of the season once again.  This is also the season where Metatron says Cas is “in love with humanity,” and then immediately refers to Dean as Humanity so uhhhh yeah.

Onto season 10, Dabb and Berens continue with their greatness (I could write pages on the DeanCas date in “The Things We Left Behind” alone).  And then we have one of the best scenes in the entire show in “The Prisoner” where the Cas/Colette mirror continues and Dean, driven by grief and pain and rage and the Mark, still doesn’t kill Cas.  He still can’t kill Cas.

Season 11 is important because it takes choice away from both Cas and Dean, and shows us, as the audience, how much losing each other takes out of them. We saw in season 10 how much losing Dean takes from Cas, but what about Cas losing Dean?  Dean loses his choice with his connection to Amara this season, and loses even more when Lucifer reveals he’s been possessing Cas, and plays on Dean’s connection to Cas like a mockery.  It’s also worth noting that, similarly to season 8, Dean breaks out of the connection with Amara when he’s worried about Cas, and that’s something that even SHE is surprised by.

But then season 12, the beginning to the Renaissance.  This is when we get the writer’s that become important for what Dean and Cas are today, and, truly, why I believe they want canon Destiel as much as we do.

This is the first season with Dabb’s writers: Davy Perez, Meredith Glynn, Steve Yockey, and of course Bobo all come in with their incredible talents and gave us episode after episode of good content.  “Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets” is probably my favorite, probably the best example of what I’m saying.  An episode where Dean is called out by an enemy directly, told to “roll the dice” on Cas’ life.  And Dean won’t, it’s not even really a hesitation.  And this comes from a character that has known Dean for ten seconds.  I also wrote more in depth about this episode here.  There are also some.....distinctly domestic details we get this season, specifically in “The Future” (written by Berens and Glynn) with the mixtape.  The most tropey of tropes mixtape.  Yeah, I’ll just leave that one here.

And then season 12 ends with Cas’ death, but also with the parallel between Sam and Dean with Jess and Cas.  Sam literally has to drag Dean away from Cas, just like Dean had to drag Sam out of his burning apartment in the pilot.  The episode drives it home in every way that it can: Dean is the one left kneeling by Cas’ body, while Sam goes to find out what is upstairs.  Dean is the one who stares at the sky, finally broken.  This isn’t a random thing, this is Dean’s whole arc, it’s the entirety of the beginning of 13.  Dean’s pain, his anguish, his anger.

Season 13 starts with them burning Cas, with Dean, who has begged God to bring him back, who has split his knuckles punching a door, standing, staring at Cas’ pyre with brokenness on his face.

I mean.....

Anyway, season 13 is where it gets interesting (well, I think all of this is interesting but I’m a writer nerd so).  So Cas comes back from the Empty in “Advanced Thanatology” written by Steve Yockey, and then a wombo combo of “Tombstone” by Davy Perez next (”Brokebacknatural” as the PR said at the time).  Listen.  This is the part that SPN crossed a line that they couldn’t come back from.  With Cas being Dean’s “big win,” the fact that Dean and Cas watch movies together, “I told you, he’s an angry sleeper.  Like a bear.” Talked about it here.

This is where, in my opinion, the network stepped in, but the damage was already done.  They had already established that Cas was Dean’s big win, that Dean’s poor coping was not due to Mary’s disappearance, but solely due to Cas, and that Dean and Cas have more married energy than anyone else.  The network had nixed blatant canon at this point, and they writing room had been pushing the boundaries of what the network would allow. 

After these episodes, we see a marked drop off of DeanCas heavy scenes.  They’re still there, still a part of the fabric of the season, but not as...obvious as it had been in early season 13.

And this continued through season 14, we’re back to scraps of Destiel scenes here and there, but to me it always felt like there was something bubbling under the surface, something distinctly unsaid in the themes of the season, even after the walk back of obvious “Dean and Cas are in love” scenes.

And then we get to season 15, which, y’all know I talk about all the time.  What’s important here is that Bobo and Glynn are both executive producers, calling more of the shots than ever before.  Additionally, it’s important to note that, though they only co write occasionally, Glynn and Berens refer to each other as “work husband” and “work wife.”  Each episode has just turned up the volume, and, not for the first time, but certainly the most obvious, Dean and Cas ARE the season.  Sure, they’re trying to beat God, they’re trying to finally find peace, defeat the final big bad, but really?  This season has been about Dean, and Dean’s relationship to Cas.

And not only do we have obvious and clear Destiel in nearly every episode, but we have episodes like “Last Call” which canonize bi!Dean (wrote about that here).

And, maybe most importantly so far, we have “The Rupture,” the breakup, and “The Trap,” Dean’s confession (both written by Berens).  And here’s the thing.  These episodes feel connected, but also feel like they’re missing something.  Beren’s last episode is 15x18, “The Truth.”  We’ve all spec’ed about what could happen in this episode, and I think *I* know what it’s leading to.  But for it to be leading to that, it means that the network has to have approved what we’ve all been waiting for years for.

Who got this change to happen?  Who got the network to change their minds?  It wasn’t us.  It was them.  I am fully convinced that Dabb and Berens quite literally put their careers on the line for Dean and Cas.  They believe in them, they’ve shown that from the beginning, but the only thing standing in the way was the network, never allowing them to take the final step. 

So, to answer your question: I think the writers want canon DeanCas because they’ve already shown us that they do.  Take a look at their episodes, at Dabb’s, at Beren’s, at Glynn’s, at Perez’s, at Yockey’s.  They’ve been telling us what’s going on with Dean and Cas for years.

Sure, I’m not in their heads, I guess I don’t know for *sure* that this has been their thought process, but if we put it all together, from the marked shift when Dabb fully took over in s12, to the change right after “Tombstone,” to the new shift, the blatantly romantic shift in season 15, what else is there?

I’ve said for a long time that we, the SPN fandom, are beyond lucky to have the writer’s that we do.  They’re all going to go on to have prolific careers and we were lucky to get them at the end of our little show.  I give them a lot of credit for what we have in the show today.

Just remember, they’ve been telling us in all of s15 who Chuck is.  He says he’s the writer, right?  But a writer who doesn’t have control of his characters?  A writer who wants to do the same ending over and over because it “works”?  That doesn’t sound like a writer, it sounds like a network exec.

They’ve been showing us what they want for years, and the way s15 is going?  I think they may have convinced the network to let us have it.

[power-chords]

Post-trip round-up, integration, thoughts (cut for length & some Heavy Shit)

WOW I needed that and I am so glad I realized I needed that. It has been well over ten years since I last took LSD, and my reluctance to indulge in psychedelics again was rooted in a long and complicated history that I don't really need to hash out here, but doing a mild dose of mushrooms last weekend gave me the confidence and conviction that I was ready.

Would it have been wiser to take a less bonkers dose for the first time in a decade plus? Probably! Do I regret a single moment of it? Not a whit! It's tough to overstate just how powerful, therapeutic, and restorative a good acid trip is, even an occasionally intense, uncomfortable one. I do not recommend eating multiple tabs of extremely good blotter on your first rodeo, but Adam's even more of a veteran psychonaut than I am, so I was 1000% well cared for, totally safe, and in a comfortable, familiar environment. In that setting, and in a positive frame of mind, acid is not going to throw anything at you that you are not equipped to handle. I would love to make this an annual or biannual thing.

The cool, funny, wacky delightful stuff:

Put it under my tongue at 10 AM-ish. Went to go listen to some music and doodle until it kicked in. I forgot that the come-up is like, do not make any fucking plans involving hand-eye coordination LMAO. I was trying to doodle Bowery Ballroom in an old sketchbook, and that devolved quickly. The markers were old so some of the caps were really stuck on there, and I wound up devolving into fits of laughter from the absurdity of pulling the caps off with my teeth.

Ink stains on my hands started writhing and trailing and were very cool. That was the first thing I noticed. I got very sad that I stopped drawing and making art, which was something I did all my life and almost went to school for but stopped doing as an adult. And then I realized I could start drawing again any time if I wanted to, and I didn't have to be GOOD at it or a proper artist for it to be worthwhile and fun. Felt immediately happy again.

Adam decided to watch Lethal Weapon???? I was like, Don't Like That. Even though he had headphones on and I couldn't hear anything. I am ambivalent about screens at best when I'm tripping, and at worst I don't even want to be in the same room with them. Guns and violence seemed comically, brutally stupid. Turned my back to the TV and continued drawing and writing until I could no longer hold a pen. Eventually Adam got on my wavelength and was like yeah, this is too much! (He took like, twice the dose that I did. I have no idea how he was even able to talk to me, but he managed!)

Felt the need to message Liana while peaking, picked up my phone, and saw that she had already sent me this:

I thought that was HILARIOUS (tbh it actually was, and it was not just the acid talking)

For the first few hours of teeth-grinding, reality-shearing intensity, Adam and I mostly lounged in bed with the shades pulled all the way up and the window open, cuddling and petting Ernie. Fantastic bonding experience for the whole fam.

Looking at every surface in the apartment became like looking at a stained glass ceiling, or an infinite mandala, or the muddied rainbows in oil-slicked puddles. It looked like Ernie's fur was breathing and someone had colored all over the white parts of him with a highlighter. Adam agreed with this assessment. Formica on the kitchen counters was bananas. So were the trees outside, rippling like celluloid and brighter green than I had ever seen them.

The two of us spent a good 15 minutes doubled over with laughter because Adam suggested a contraption for funneling Fancy Feast directly into Ernie's mouth, kind of like shotgunning a beer

Adam: "I can't believe I used to to this and get on the subway and try to do things with people." Me: "What? How did you even figure out how to get from Point A to Point B?" Adam: "I mean, we didn't, really. We usually got lost. It was fine, though." Truly, it's about the friends you make along the way!

The second half of the trip, when things are starting to mellow out a bit, is when you become a real rock star. I went outside for a walk around the neighborhood, and to sit in the park with my headphones on while watching kids play on the playground, and it was ECSTATIC. I was just overjoyed. My face still hurts from smiling.

Forgot that I needed money to realize my goal of obtaining a popsicle, so I had to detour back into the apartment and explain all of this to my husband before resuming the popsicle quest. He thought it was very funny, but sympathized.

Fresh air, popsicles and San Pellegrino on acid. On another level! 100/10.

Bathrooms still universally suck, LOL. -10/10. Not a fan of that bathroom while tripping face! Every time I had to pee it was like WELL here we go again into the Pink Squirming Hell Chamber (I am making this sound like more of a big deal than it actually was)

15 HOURS. 15 HOURS Jesus Christ lmao I did not stop seeing weird shit on screens and surfaces until like 1 AM. And even then, if I stared long enough, funky colors and patterns would re-emerge. It's a commitment. I feel happy and refreshed, but also totally exhausted. Definitely have to budget a full weekend of No Plans for any future trips.

The Heavy Shit:

There is some Cronenberg-level body horror right before the visuals get super rainbow-stained and stereotypically psychedelic, which sounds bad, but I promise it isn't. It's watching the veins pulse under your skin and change into very saturated colors, pores and hair and scars become very defined and wiggly, and as someone who has so much bodily anxiety related to my alopecia/IBS, it was weirdly... freeing? You get to experience all this stuff in an entirely new frame of mind, shedding judgment and old thought ruts. I remember thinking, "I do not need to feel shame about my body," and letting go of so much baggage.

At some point mid-afternoon I decided to retrieve my phone from the drawer again, and saw that I had a missed call and a voicemail from my dad. I decided to play it back, and he was just phoning to tell me that he was listening to a live version of "Sally Simpson" and Keith was doing this thing where he wasn't even touching the cymbals, and had I listened to that specific performance before and noticed the same thing, and wasn't he truly the greatest drummer that ever lived? "Anyway, no need to call me back, just wanted to let you know. I love my bubbie!" (His term of endearment for me.) And I went to go sit in bed and weep for a straight 15 minutes, the most cleansing, purging cry you could possibly imagine, while Adam hugged me and rubbed my back. I was overwhelmed, overcome by this feeling of cosmic Love and Connection with my family and my husband and all of my friends.

I had been sitting on and burying so much fear and distress from the past 18 months, the chronic, low-grade trauma that was worrying if COVID was going to kill my father, my best friend and closest confidante and the one person on earth who I feel truly Gets Me on a spiritual level, and all of that came out. Fully processed and released every ounce of grief. What replaced it was the absolute, unshakable faith that no matter what happens — including my greatest fear, which is inevitable, no matter how far off it may be — he will always be with me, and a part of me, in the music we both love, and I will never, ever lose that.