#but also she was a total BITCH to me. like really fucking nasty. and yeah maybe im still holding a grudge about it!

[orcelito]

Salty bitch in me sooooo satisfied by the fact that I probably make more money than the person who made my life hell last year lmfaooooo

[yunjinkisses]

popular / mean huh yunjin x f reader⭐️

what’s ahead : angst , drinking , fluff,hate sex,choking,hair pulling,g!p yunjin , degrading

notes (all of newjeans are your friends in this , and you are a transfer student) also long ass fanfic.

my second week of school and i already want summer to be here

god i’m so tired of yunjins bitch ass being on my dick all the time

“hey guys”

i flashed everyone a quick smile as i sat down

“awh what’s wrong y/n you seem a bit down unnie”

“yeah what’s the matter y/n/n!”

“it’s just yunjin..she’s getting on my nerves”

everyone let out an “ohhh” before saying it made sense

“yeah that makes sense , i don’t know why yunjin picks on you specifically,i mean you’re really nice y/n/n”

“thanks dani unnie,i don’t know either it’s just so irritating , ands it’s genuinely getting on my last nerve”

“i’m sure things will turn around and everything will be fine”

“i hope so hanni..”

the bell rung as lunch ended and i said goodbyes and than bumped into someone as i was leaving

“ah shit- sorry-“

than i looked up to see yunjin and started sweating immediately

“can you watch where you’re going? bad enough i have to see you everyday let alone hear your annoying voice..”

“sorry.”

i said coldly

“you better be”

and as she walked away she bumped into my shoulder

she’s so pretty but so fucking annoying

time skip to the end of the day

as i got home i said hi to my parents and went to my room , images of yunjin and her voice flashed through my head

god why was i thinking of her

time skip to the next day again

as i sat in my seat i staring at the clock zoning out , i somehow ended up thinking about yunjin

mother fucker get out of my head

“isn’t that right y/l/n”

“hm? oh yeah yeah..”

“mhm.. as i was saying..”

and his voice than got lowered by my thoughts , my eyes than trailed over to yunjin staring off at her beautiful orange hair,her gorgeous face as she whispered to her friend chaewon , she glanced over at me , i quickly looked away , hyein quickly noticed me staring at yunjin and whispered to me

“psst why are you staring at yunjin?”

“oh u-uhm i-“

*rinnng*

saved by the bell

“looks like it’s time to go , have a good rest of your day guys”

the teacher spoke as we exited the classroom

danielle unnie came up to me and hyein along with haerin

“hey y/n-ah! soyeon unnie is hosting a party at her place , we should totally go!” and haerin nodded along with danielle unnie

“i don’t know dani-unnie , im not much of a-“

“pleaseee oh pretty pleaseee!! i promise they’ll be cute girls there!”

i blushed and looked away at her comment then sighed

“fine fine”

danielle unnie jumped up and down in excitement

“oh thank you!! i can’t wait to see you guys there!!”

at home

“hyein unnie what should i wear to the party? should i wear this?”

“or what about this?”

“hm i think the second one , not too dressy , not too formal , and it looks super cute on you unnie!”

i smiled at her comment

“thanks hyein-ah , now let’s go”

at the party

me hyein,danielle,and haerin all showed up together , hanni and minji were staying home together

soyeon opened up the door for us

“ahh you guys made it! i’m so happy you guys could come! and y/n unnie you look amazing! i didn’t think you would come! i know parties aren’t your thing”

i smiled and gave her a hug

“well you know , trying something different for a change !”

everyone entered , me and danielle agreed to go get something to drink

after a drink or two i spot a particular orange haired girl out of the corner of my eye

“jesus christ ..”

“what’s wron- oh god.”

me and dani both spoke out spotting yunjin talking to chaewon , she than looks at me as im drinking and gives me a nasty look

soyeon than gathers a few people ,including me,dani,haerin,yunjin,chaewon,and two others , to play 1 hour in heaven

“okay wait explain again why it’s an hour ?”

“so basically we thought it would be more fun if we you know changed the time , and if nothings happening in there we will obviously let whoever is in there out “

“i guess that makes sense..”

chaewon and soyeon were having a conversation while i was just taking sips of my 4th drink,i don’t get drunk easily thankfully

“okay first up is…”

soyeon pulled two names out of a bowl

“yunjin and..”

god no..

“y/n unnie!”

“what.”

me and yunjin both exclaimed at the exact same time

“hey i don’t think that’s a good idea, im not sure if y/n-ah is so comfortable with-“

haerin was soon interrupted by yunjin

“don’t be such a pussy , y/n can handle it “

i was just looking away not making eye contact with anyone , just drinking

“fine it’s whatever.”

me and yunjin both enter soyeons , excessively large closet , basically a guest room

insults were thrown at me for almost 10 minutes straight

“you gonna say something pussy?,or are you gonna drink your feelings away? hmmm??”

i put my drink down and sighed

tears started to form in my eyes

“i’m sick and tired of you yunjin,every since the first fucking day of school all you’ve done is pick on me , i’ve never done anything to you,all i did was compliment you,and be nice to you.cant you be nice back? do you have to be such a fucking asshole”

i started to cry harder as i curled up into a ball and turned away from yunjin embarrassed of myself

“y/n i-“

“don’t , i don’t wanna hear it.”

she than softly kissed my lips and put her hands around my neck , i widened my eyes but returned the kiss quickly,it was a nice soft slow kiss , she pulled away us both smiling

“yunjin..”

“shut up.”

she brought me to the bed and brought me in for another kiss,this one felt more heated , more passionate. i licked her lips asking to enter , she quickly obliged,our tongues explored eachothers mouths , once we pulled away there was a string of saliva connected between us ,and than i felt something beneath me

“excited aren’t we?”

“shut up”

she rolled her eyes pushing me down on the bed as we both took our clothes off , only to be left in our underwear, i could see yunjins hard member through her boxers , i would be lying if i said it didn’t turn me on..

she started to kiss down my body and suck on my breasts

“yunjin..fuck..”

“shut it , slut”

she than pushed my panties aside and inserted two fingers inside me

“yunjin..fuck!~”

“god your so tight for me,wonder how you’ll feel around my cock~”

her saying that just made me moan even louder

she started to thrust in and out of me as she kissed my neck , my hands wrapped around her neck

“y-yunjin..please..s-so c-close..”

she than pulled out but before i could speak she took her boxers off and inserted her 10 inch dick inside me , making me scream

“FUCK DADDY!”

“what did you just call me?”

“n-nothing i-“

“say it again or else i won’t fuck you.”

“daddy..”

“mhm..keep calling me that princess”

she thrusted in and out of me slowly

“god you’re so wet and tight , all for me baby?”

“m-mhm! all for you!”

“what a fucking slut”

she than put her hand around my throat and tightened her grip on my neck making me moan

“m-mphm! harder!”

“don’t fucking tell me what to do bitch.”

she went harder inside of me making me scream even more

she let go of my neck and pulled out of me , turned me onto my stomach,and inserted her dick into me again,and pulled my hair

“you like that? you like when daddy pulls your hair? fucking bitch.”

all i could do is moan

“god i hate you,i hate you and your stupid fucking face,your m-mmh!~ tight pussy”

she moaned in between sentences

“fuck i’m gonna cum soon,i’m gonna fill you up”

she pulled harder on my hair ,but turned me around so she could see my face

she started going at a faster pace , making us both moan

“g-gonna c-cum”

“m-me too,let daddy fill you up”

one final thrust and she kissed me as we both came , she came inside of me , filling me up

she pulled out and layed next to me holding me

“don’t fucking tell anyone about this,i still fucking hate you.”

i could feel her smile into my neck as she held me

“hate you too”

[reptilian-angel]

The Cafe' Prince & The Killer Cook Pt. 1:

Chapter One - "Egg on your Face" Mega-Omelet

ME: Blitzø, having suffered a the worst day of his life, finds an unexpected silver lining when he awakens inside some random cafe hosted by a sweet (if oddly articulate) little girl, Via and her chef daddy, Stolas (Who looks like Hell on Wheels and cooks just as good, but who gave a shit.)

Later on after this chance encounter, a completely unanticipated offer might just be what Blitzø needs to turn his trashfire of an existence into a lifetime of amazing food, exciting moments and maybe even . . . Love?

Stolitz fluff, food chain puns, good food and healthy doses of angst await you at the Stars & Stir-Ups Cafe’!!! (Yet to be named)

Inspired by Pink Lomito’s ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE Stolitz Cafe’ AU fanart and written with their blessing, so I can only hope this will live up to the hype! (Displayed Below)

Full disclosure, I DO bake as a hobby, but I am NOT a career baker so most of descriptions of any foods mentioned, cooking and otherwise, will totally be written by an author completely in the dark, so please be gentle with any criticisms regarding any of the cooking displayed here. (Also see the end of the chapters for the recipes used, or at least the closest comparisions.)

Get Your knives and forks ready, you sinners & saints, and please enjoy!! I owe nothing!!!

Normal P.O.V.

When Blitzø woke up, he was automatically confused.

He had expected to be face flat, ass up on the shitty, grime covered flour of the bar he had trudged into last night like he had only hours to live. It had been a record-breaking shitty-ass day for him and he decided, like the many, many bitchy broke losers out there who had had their dreams squashed and trampled on like gnats in Hell, to drown his sorrows. Burning $ouls like tissue paper, he had began going for broke, mooching off other patrons and drunkards, earning petty shots in impromptu contests and maybe even performed a small strip tease for a gaggle of succubi and incubi.

He wasn’t a hundred percent sure how it ended, although he did have a vague recollection of plowing his dick into one of the incubi in one of the nasty as fuck bathroom stalls and wondering if the greasy pump soap could be used as lube before fading to black.

Christ on a Pogo stick he had REALLY gotten fucked up, didn’t he?

That said, he wouldn’t have been shocked in the slightest if he had found himself upside down, half- naked and definitely robbed of his wallet and phone in some shady alley at the crack of dawn. Yeah, that would have been normal for him.

Waking up in a plush, fancy-pants booth with a soft, comfortable quilt thrown on top of him was not.

He began leaning up to try and get some sense of where the fuck he was, but everything between his ears immediately started to bitch at him with an acute, relentless thrum that felt even worse than the headaches Moxxie gave him while bitching at him. On a good day.

He gave a low groan, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes in a sorry attempt to dull the throb. He swore everything was hurting, his horns were hurting, his scars were hurting, fuck, even his brand was hurting -

“Fudge.”

That innocent correction almost made him tumble out of the booth. He barely smacked his palms against the floor to keep him from actually falling face flat on its surface. Points for highly trained trapeze instincts. Centering himself, he found a pair of big, bright pink, and admittingly cute eyes of a little owl demon looking right at his.

Even with him being upside-down, he could tell they were a girl; maybe four or six, with a messy nest of long dark hair let loose save a small ponytail tied up on the side of her head with a scrunchie covered with moons and stars and a simple pink jumper with white stars of various sizes printed all over it.

It had taken a second for his hungover brain to figure out she was an owl, the white heart-shaped frame of her face like that of an owl’s a dead giveaway. The way she blinked at him only cemented that conclusion. She blinked calmly at him, despite how fucking weird he was sure he must’ve looked as a middle-aged, hungover, hot mess sleeping in what he just know fully realized was a restaurant booth.

Feeling caught off guard for a number of reasons, he could only respond with, “Sorry?”

The Little owl gave him a reproaching look, or at least as close to one as a toddler could manage. “‘Fudge’. You said it wrong.” She stated in all seriousness. “You’re supposed to say ‘fudge’ when you say the ‘F’ Word. Otherwise, it’s not polite.”

“Says who?” He asked.

“Says my daddy.” She said proudly as if she was referring to Lucifer himself. “He says ‘Politeness is the-” She paused, her face scrunching up in concentration, “- ‘Per-Ah-Get-Ive’ of sensible young demons’.”

He gave her a small smirk. “Oh yeah? And what is that?”

“What’s what?”

“Whatcha just said – Know what it means?”

He had expected her to respond with a "yes" as all little hellspawn do to prove they were just as smart as their parents who most of the time are dumber than the garbage man, and of course be all snooty and snobby about it too.

But, amazingly, she shook her head so much her hair flew in both directions. "Nope! But my daddy taught me that word. Which means it must be a smart grown-up thing to say. My daddy's all grown up and smart so it makes sense to try and apply it to my everyday 'Wing-guess-tics'."

"Uh, 'wing-guess-tics'?" He repeated with a smile.

The little owl nodded. "You know, the way you talk and how you sound to other people. Don't you ever take pride in how you sound towards others less proud of themselves?"

Blitzø sure as hell didn't. In fact, good mood or bad, he couldn't give two shits in a Gluttony Ring brand crapper what every other piece of shit thought about him or the way he talked. Which is exactly what he should tell to this innocent, sassy, too precious for words little oh satan's taint, he was too hungover for this.

Getting up at an old man's pace, he grunted, "I don't really have an answer to that, ow."

Okay, sitting up straight didn't quite stop the ache, but it wasn't harping so badly now.

The little owl made a sad sound. "That's too bad. Everything needs an answer."

"Does it?" He asked while once again pressing into his eyes to try and settle his headache. She gave an affirmative hum.

"They do. Sometimes."

Blitzø gave up trying to squeeze his eyeballs back into his brains and gave a slow roll of his neck, breathing with the small audible stream of cracks that followed. "Yeah, well, sometimes is better than no times I guess." Once his neck didn't feel so stiff, he looked down at the little owl who still was blinking up at him. "Hey kiddo?"

"Yes?"

"Can you, uh . . . Can you tell me where we are right now?" Geez, Blitzø, you need a little kid to tell your dumb, hungover ass where you crashed? Talk about hitting rock bottom.

She giggled like he had just told a funny joke. He admitted, even with a headache, the sound was nice to hear. "You're in our cafe, sir. Mine and Daddy's cafe. You've been here ever since last night."

He felt embarrassment collide with exasperation in a wave that only incensed the pounding in his skull. Grreeeaaat. Now he had to deal with a bitchy dad that could probably make a Karen more bearable. And considering his crappy luck, he could probably give Moxxie a run for his money when it came to whining and botching. Like he didn't have enough of a migraine already.

To distract himself from the imminent ass-chewing, Blitzø decided it was a good time as any to take a quick peek around. In case, things went tits up, he should know how much he could tag with horses and dongs later.

Look all over, he had to admit . . . He was pleasantly surprised.

The cafe was definitely a little ritzier than almost every other diner or bistro in Pride, at least the ones run by imps or sinners. It wasn't an 'in-your-face-so-suck-it-bitches' bourgeois nightmare that you found on the cover of rich people magazines, but it was still easy to smell the $oils that had been burned to buy the number of furniture and appliances that filled it. Pristine designer steel tables, floors tiles so clean you could eat off of them, cushy warm booths like the one he was sitting in that felt comfy enough to be small bed; yeah, this place made the local Hellbucks look like a gas station men's room (Which was also, coincidentally, one of the many places he would periodically wind up in after a bender).

He could probably make off with one of the tablecloths - Made with actual fucking linen, not rag or crappy burlap - And the money he would get for it would easily pay off his non-existent mortgage.

The walls, covered in perfectly intact, shiny wallpaper that was neither covered in mildew nor aged and peeling, colored the interior with a tasteful cream and vanilla striped pattern. Each dark strip of cream had subtle motifs of shooting stars, little crescent moons and cheery spiraling suns. The cushions seated on each chair and the fabrics of the booths were royal blue and spotted with muted violet stars, all differing sizes, each cleaner than the back seat of an Imp City taxi cab. Plus, no springs popping up to try and fuck him in his little red hole.

He then noticed the bar. A quaint but spacious counter as long as Blitzø's body and tail combined, a simple but pricey cash register at one end, with matching leather stools lined up perfectly beneath it. A large glass case half the size of his van sat at the other end, the inside holding shelves of numerous plates of decadent-looking desserts and pastries that drew an expectant grumble from his stomach.

It wasn't his fault, the last thing Blitzø remembered having that was even close to food was some outdated peanuts and the olives he wiped from some douche who had ordered nothing but martinis that were drier than Wraith in a heatwave.

And he normally hated olives, Christ, he must've been fucked up to devour those things, pit and all. Fuck, did I bang the guy who ordered then too?

Okay, not the priority right now, Blitzø. Especially with the cute little kid in front of you whose dad is definitely gonna throw you out on your ass the minute he sees you -

"Oh! Daddy's awake! Good morning, daddy!"

Fuck.

Blitzø jerked his head up at her cheerful greeting, opening his mouth if only to curse at how his head throbbed in response -

— Only for it to immediately die when he caught sight of "Daddy" coming into the cafe'.

Fuck him twice.

The demon that had stepped into his view was, hands down and pants down if his belt was loosened, one of the most gorgeous demons he had seen.

And the tallest, Jesus Christ.

The owl demon was as tall as a tree, with legs for days ending in jet black talons that clicked delicately against the immaculately clean tiles as he strode over. His body was much, much thinner than Blitzø had expected, delicate and lithe with sinfully svelte curves around his well-rounded hips that he felt an instant, barely concealed urge to wrap his legs around and squeeze. His upper body was just as long, lengthy frail arms that grew like willow branches from his shoulders with dainty but large hands and fingers that reminded him of spider legs as they moved and were just as dark as his feet. They were probably as soft as that little fluff of feathers that peeked out on his chest.

Looking at his face, he was slightly taken aback at the sight of not one but two pairs of eyes peering back, although the second pair were smaller and placed higher on his forehead, just as wide and bright as Via's, but instead of pink they shone with crimson and were as opaque as a ruby. It was obvious who this little girl got her looks from the most; the same dark spot at the tip of his beak, and the same shade of grey blue feathers, only his grew darker in hue as they climbed up his very lean throat, combed into a neat and very trim style that clearly was given a lot of attention. The only blemish to it would be the bold streak of grey that cut through the feathers which easily gave away his age, but somehow that had actually improved his looks as it contrasted the young (and pretty) features of his face.

His outfit wasn’t too extraordinary but still, Blitzø felt himself growing warm at the sight of the white button up dress shirt and the open cranberry pink waistcoat the owl was currently snapping shut dexterously and simple dark slacks that hugged his legs perfectly.

Fuck. I was once woken up with V wearing lingerie that was made pretty much just string but this guy is dressed like a fucking waiter and I wanna lay him flat on the counter.

Blitzø was suddenly that much more thankful for the blanket covering his lap, because he was sure feeling the telltale signs of a growing boner.

Oh well, he was sure it would go away once this guy started to whine about having to deal with a drunken piece of shit first thing in the morning -

The tall owl, even with the slightest of sleep still clinging to it, smiled warmly and brightly at his daughter. “Good morning, my Owlette.” Blitzø felt himself once again be knocked off guard by his chocolaty, silky tenor voice, the sound of it sending pleasant shivers down his spine.

Fuckhim three times, he sounded hot too. Satan, this sucked.

The owl’s pleasant chuckle only added to Blitzø;s horny chagrin. “I see you beat me down to the cafe’ today. I hope you slept well, my Starfire.”

The little “Starfire” nodded happily. “I slept good, Daddy! And so did our guest!” She gestured innocently at the imp, who then tensed at being put on the spot by a kid. “When I came down to check on him, he was snoozing like a kitten!”

Blitzø, of course, made a face. A kitten?

It went unnoticed by the little owl, but not by her father who gave her a stern, but still soft look. “Via,” He started. “You didn’t disturb our guest while he was sleeping, did you?”

“Via” quickly shook her head, he feathers swinging side to side in a flurry. “Mh-mm! No, Daddy, I promise I didn’t! I was real quiet until he woke up and said the bad thing wrong.”

He blinked at her. “The ‘bad’ word?”

“One of the words that Mummy used to -” He explanation was abruptly cut off by her father’s wincing and his hands waving the universal sign for stop. “O-oh, alright, alright, sweetie, I understand, no need to go further!”

Blitzø watched them quietly.

Huh. So pretty boy had post-marital troubles with the little former wifey, huh?

Yeah, that made sense. Aside from his friend’s, Blitzø had yet to see any marriage that wasn’t one step away to instating the “death do us part” vow.

This guy must have gotten out while the getting was still good. But not without a few licks dealt, judging by the signs of wariness on his face.

He mentally sighed. Alright the hottie daddy knows you’re here and first impression has clearly gone to shit so, get ready for take two, dumbass.

Blitzø, deciding that jokes was the way to go in a pinch, then said casually. “I guess ‘Mummy’ wasn’t a ‘fudge’ kinda girl.” He then put on his best smile as he looked straight on at the pretty owl. “Me, personally, always liked the mine with plenty of nuts.”

As smooth as it sounded, he still cringed on the inside. Oof, Blitzø, how lame do you sound right now?

However, to Blitzø’s surprise and relief, the innuendo did not go unnoticed by the only other adult in the cafe’. Both sets of eyes went wide and the haggardness on his face was instantly washed away with a swift, prominent pink flush that Blitzø definitely liked seeing. Next to Via, it was probably the cutest thing he saw this morning. It certainly took the edge off the ass-chewing he was sure to get.

Usually, anytime he cracked any sex jokes around others, he was almost immediately told off by whatever prude or asshole or Karen was in the vicinity (i.e. Moxxie) and who clearly had no sense of good humor. (Like they didn’t start humping on each other’s earlobes the second every one’s back was turned like the hypocrites they were.)

Anybody else who didn’t was either not giving two shits or just as eager to talk dirty after a line up of shots.

But this bird seem reasonably sober. But then again, judging by his frame, he was probably the type of demon to go for light drinks like martinis or cocktails rather than tequila or beezlejuice. Considering the little girl now running up to him and hugging his shins, it was more than likely. He had the bitter experience of always dealing with a parent more often found nursing a hangover rather than an infant and it was an all around shitty experience he had no wish to repeat.

However, right now, he wouldn’t mind getting another peek of that cute ass blush as the bird briefly ducked down to scoop up into his arms. “W-well,” He started, “It’s certainly good to see you awake, Mister . . . ?”

“Name’s Blitzø. The “O” is silent.” Blitzø stated without missing a beat.

The owl blinked. “What ‘o’?”

“Exactly.” Blitzø nodded without thinking and once again, groaned in pain as everything from the neck up throbbed.

“Oh dear, hangover not quite remedied yet?”

Blitzø hissed out a breath. “Yeah, that’s a big fat fff-fudgin’ no.” He smirked weakly at Via’s approving nod. “I feel like I decided to go dumpster-diving outside the nearest Sinnabon’s for a midnight snack-run.” His empty stomach than made itself known by giving an impatient grumble. “And it looks like I’m up for round two so I think it’s about time I get outta here.”

The owl blinked again. “I’m sorry?”

Blitzø carefully climbed out of his improvised bed and unsure of what to do, opted to take apart the bedding and fold it as neatly as he could. “Yeah, I know, I know, I should’ve been out of here hours ago, I get it. Satan knows no-one wants to deal with a hungover dumb-a first thing in the morning. I know I wouldn’t, plus you gotta kid here and I can’t imagine you want some strange weirdo around your baby-girl so I better clear out before -”

The quilt literally rising out of his hands cut him off like a record scratch. The fuck-?

He watched cow-eyed as some kind of blue sparkly whatsit energy surrounded the quilt and untangled the lump he had been making a mess out of. It than began folding itself in a much more professional fashion than his was and as soon as it finished, it levitated right over his head and towards the guys who, judging by the ethereal sheen wrapped around his talons, was making it.

“Mr. Blitzø,” He started calmly. “As the owner of a cafe’, I have often had ‘strange weirdos’ coming in and going out from here every day. Thankfully, most of them are courteous enough to show up around working hours, but I am no stranger to any who who wander in from the late-night crowd, which I’m assuming is where you come from.” His tone wasn’t accusing but Blitzø still frowned at the teasing lilt he definitely heard.

“As for my little Starfire,” The bird continued, nuzzling his daughter on the cheek which earned a giggle. “Via, I like to think at least, is an excellent judge of character, especially more so with strangers. So, if she thinks that you’re trustworthy then that’s more than enough reason to let you stay.” With a twirl of his talon, he sent the quilt through the door leading upstairs to, whatever the fuck it led to as he set Via down on one of the stools after a quick, dramatic spin that earned him another giggle. “At least, long enough for us to feed you a decent breakfast.”

That last bit was definitely NOT what Blitzø thought he’d hear. “Uh, excuse me?”

“Oh certainly, after you’ve been given food of actual substance to eat instead of the leftover, surely bacteria-ridden remains scrounged from a random dumpster.” The big bastard responded blithely as he made his way around the counter, to where Blitzø finally noticed the fancy-looking coffeemaker that made him feel more broke-ass than he already was. “But first, I believe refreshments are in order. Would you prefer coffee or tea?”

The asshole part of him wanted to deliver a pissy comeback at the offer. He was a grown-ass man, more than capable of getting his own food, fuck you very much and no trust-fund, (sexy) long-legged prick had the right to tell him what was okay for him to eat or not – Moxxie already got his ass enough about that, he didn’t need anyone else doing that shit.

Big bitch was probably trying to keep him here long enough to call the cops on him the minute his back was turned so he could stick him with some BS robbery charges just for shits and giggles. Which had happened to him before due to more than one nut-job Karen and/or Kevin.

And of course, since it was fucking Hell, there was only a certain amount of times that you could get arrested and get bailed out before the taxpayers think to simply say “Fuck it” and just take your money and never bother to find your cell keys.

That in mind, he was so not in the mood to bust out of prison again, that one stint in Greed was enough for the next five years.

Well, fuck this bird. The front door was right there and he was not gonna have to put up with whatever bullshit this guy was -

His stomach halted his would-be flipping-the-bird-at-the-bird-on-the-way-out escape with a rumble even louder and more impatient than before. The tell-tale smell of brewing coffee didn’t do anything to help quell it. And damn, did it smell good . . .

. . . . . . Oh, forget it, they dump that dumpster every other day and he was too hungover to spare the effort to drive. Or Look for his van. Or try to remember the name of the club he was at.

“. . . I usually have iced coffee. But right now, I’ll take a regular coffee, as black as blood.”

That request was responded to with a humored smile. “I myself usually take it black as sin, but I’m always up for a challenge.” Turning to the way too complicated than should be normal looking, coffee-making monstrosity, he also added, “Also, forgive me.”

“For what?” Blitzø asked as he came closer to the bar. This close, he could now spot a simplistic yet obviously custom-designed hotplate big enough to fit enough food for five people, flat black surface on one side and a classic stove-top on the other.

“For not introducing myself properly earlier.” A clean, see-through glass coffee pot that Blitzø didn’t even see him pull out appeared in his hand as he whipped out a coffee filter so finely made it looked more like a hankie, bypassing the coffee maker completely. “I’m Stolas, owner of this cafe’ as well as Chef and Barista. You’ve already had the pleasure of meeting my daughter, Octavia, my darling little helper.”

“Daddy says I’m his ‘Suzy Chef’!” Via, also now known as “Octavia”, chirped proudly. Before Blitzø took a seat on one of the stools, he moved as to help her up but she shook her head. Gripping the crank under the seat, she pulled it up and down like a desk chair’s until the seat was low enough for her to climb up. He watched in bemusement as she then adjusted the seat back up. Clearly, they were built with the varying heights of Hell’s diverse demographic in mind.

Not bad thinking, Blitzø had to admit.

“Indeed you are, my Owlette.” Stolas chuckled. Having placed the filter inside a clenex wrapped around a chic-looking coffee pot, he placed a silver carafe onto the stove-top side of the hotplate and flipping the switch. Taking out a bag of coffee grounds that smelled fucking fantastic. “She and I have been running this little cafe’ for about four months now. And if I may so, we’re doing rather well. Granted, we’re not millionaires but I’m certainly not complaining.”

In almost no time at all, the carafe’ started whistling sharply. Stolas took it off and replaced it with a small skillet that Blitzø didn’t see being pulled out either, only to stare unabashedly at the medley of cheeses, meats, veggies and eggs that literally flew in from the entry to what he guessed was the kitchen like it was something of out of a kid’s movie. He knew Via giggling at his face but he forgoed responding to that, as while Stolas attended to the coffee pot, a bottle of oil floated over to the skillet and poured a delicate amount inside with two slices of butter following suite. “. . . Uh, yeah, if you’re good at something, you should capitalize.”

“Perhaps, but it’s not really so much about the money as it is the business of cooking itself.” Stolas said earnestly as he dumped the grounds into the filter and sweeped up the carafe to pour in the hot water in one fluid motion. “I find that this line of work gives me much more gratification than that of my previous occupation.”

“Oh, what was that? Real estate spokesman? Attorney? Phone seee-” Blitzø was instantly reminded of Via’s presence as the little girl hummed happily while folding and unfolding a napkin she plucked from the napkin holder closest to them. “-eeecrecy operator?”

If Stolas noticed the near slip-up, he didn’t comment on it. “No, I’m afraid. Simply one of the cogs of the crumbling, over-heated machine that is known as Hell’s government.” While the skillet started to pop and sizzle, the owl than summoned a sizable knife to finely chop one onion to join the oil and butter. As the coffee grounds were left to bloom, Stolas made quite a show of crumbling up a thick sausage into bits with one hand while simultaneously conjuring an actual clutch of flames in the other hand, selecting a few strips of bacon to cook and crisp in a matter of seconds. Most likely to show off for Blitzø and his daughter who “oohed” at the sight.

Admittedly, Blitzø was a little impressed too, but he’d be fucked by a mime before he ever let on. “Geez, playin’ it up a bit, don’t ya think?”

“Perhaps a bit.” Stolas admitted, not so sorry in the slightest. “But compared to how stoic and quiet I had used to be, I relish any chance to ‘play it up’.” Having deemed the bacon thoroughly cooked, which it definitely was going by the smell, he extinguished the flames and set the crispy strips onto a cutting board for a magicked knife to chop up. Washing his hands in a small sink set by the hotplate, he gestured towards the enchanted parade of flying ingredients, allowing three eggs to gently land on the counter.

Blitzø, at this point, had taken his eyes away from the free magic show in front of him, cool as it was, to quietly observe Stolas’s shapely ass as he bent over to retrieve something from one of the lower cabinet.

Hmm. He could feel the tip of his tail flicking in appreciation. Guess the cake wasn’t only in good in the cases.

He tried to keep ogling as unnoticeable as possible as he asked. “Old job sucked that bad, huh?”

“Oh, abominably so.” Stolas groaned as he fished around in the cabinet obliviously. Eventually, he made a small sound of triumph as he located his prize; a small mixing bowl which he then set on the counter next to the eggs. A crooked finger brought a whisk right into his hand just as all three eggs were lifted and cracked into the bowl and the shells were tossed away. “And all I can say is that I’m bloody well glad that it’s behind me.”

“And now Daddy gets to be the bestest chef in all of Hell!” Via proclaimed, which was rewarded with a loving smile.

“Well, I certainly try my best.” He said cheerfully. He made sure to keep close attention to the carafe’ as it poured more water into the now ready coffee grounds as he beat the eggs thoroughly. As dark, fresh coffee began to drip into the pot, he set the bowl aside to neatly dish the sausage and bacon into the skillet. “I don’t know if anything I make will win any awards, but I wouldn’t mind if they didn’t. As long as I have my Via and this cafe’, I’ll be happy.”

Those words, despite himself, left a deep pit in Blitzø’s stomach.

He was all too familiar with the feeling to know that it wasn’t hunger.

And the cause of it was the warm translucent air wafting around in the little cafe’ that was more potent than the coffee.

And more pointedly, how out of place he felt to even be watching it.

He felt his claws clench the leather of his seat, the fabric creaking softly in response to his tightening grip. The pit felt like it was growing larger, making his shoulders tense. He found himself staring full-on at the clean surface of the bartop and tried to ignore the itch of his spines going erect. For the next few minutes, all that was heard was the sizzling and firecracker-like popping of the skillet as the eggs were poured in, the repetitive sound of coffee dripping and Via humming as she tried to fold her napkin into something other than a lopsided square.

Blitzø took a deep breath through his nose, his lips sputtering a bit like a horse’s (Didn’t he wish) as he exhaled.

“. . . Look, I’m . . . ” He paused a moment to think his words over carefully. The last thing he felt like doing right now was to sound an utter dickhead to the guy who was making him a hot meal for a total stranger.

No telling if he was the type to spit in on the plates of assholes who deserved it.

“. . . I’m sorry for, uhm, for having you make deal with me first thing in the morning.” He managed to get out rather lamely.

He wasn’t sure if the bird heard him. But that didn’t stop him from continuing. “I . . . I had a really, really real sh- crappy day yesterday, and – And I just needed to blow off a little steam.”

Images started to flash unbidden in his head. Of zeroes, of bottles, of bitter looks and smashed frames only made everything in Blitzø had been able to blissfully ignore up until that moment, then chose to rear its ugly head making him let out a barely concealed grunt. “. . . Point is, I-I’m sorry for screwing up your day and -”

He was interrupted by a good-sized mug being set calmly before him. He started as the smell of the dark roast curling in soft puffs and into his nostrils, the scent heavenly and already mending the throb of his head – only to be taken aback at the feel of a large, plush-soft hand petting the space between his horns in a comforting rub.

It took every single inch of Blitzø not to either smack the hand away or bite it off on sheer impulse.

He looked up and instead of what he thought for damn sure was going to be a patronizing sneer, – Because how else would any prick look after patting an imp’s head like a puppy’s? - Stolas’s face was as soft and reassuring as the smile on his beak.

A smile filled with nothing but understanding and warmth.

Sweet Lucifer, when was the last tim anyone had smiled at him like that?

“No apologies are need here, Mister Blitzø.” Stolas said simply. No hint of bullshit. “Nothing’s been broken, nothing’s been ruined. So please, don’t worry. I’m not a demon so easily rattled. Especially by lovely surprises such as yourself.”

. . . . Blitzø blamed the warmth he felt tingling on his cheeks on the steam coming from the mug.

Stolas didn’t comment on it, but he was sure that he heard some not very subtle amusement in his voice as he turned back to his cooking. “Would you like for me to add some peppers to dish? They were freshly picked this morning and I’m sure that they’ll taste wonderfully with the eggs.”

“UH-” Blitzø grabbed the mug and pretended to study it to keep himself from doing anything else dumb. “Y-yeah, sure, whatever, go nuts. I’m good with whatever.”

“Marvelous! I’ll add some as soon as the eggs have cooked for a bit.” Stolas said cheerfully. Blitzø muttered a “yeah, whatever” to his back as the owl reached from some green and red peppers big enough for Via to hold in both of her hands. He then made a small hoot that Blitzø, even with how off-kilter he felt at the moment, found cute. “Oh, and let me know how the coffee is, please. I’m trying a new blend I finally managed to put together a few days ago and I’d love to hear your opinion.”

Blitzø blinked at that. “Wha-? You mean this isn’t instant?”

Stolas shook his head. “Oh no. I try my best to use fresh items whenever I cook. Not that I have anything against instant or frozen food, but, as a chef, I find it almost like cheating if I’m not as authentic for my customers. The last thing I want is to have our cafe’ be mistaken for another Twink Trip or Hexxan.”

Blitzø would have taken a shot at that remark. Namely how if you loaded up gas station coffee with a fuckton of sugar, cream, and booze, it didn’t matter about the quality ‘cause who would give that much of a damn about dirty bean water -

That is, had he not taken a sip out of his mug.

It took a moment of peering down at his “coffee” to think up a much more direct response. “. . . . This is the best damn cup of coffee I ever had.”

“Thank you!” Stolas accepted the compliment cheerily. I admit it took much longer to properly cultivate and grow the beans for it than I had originally anticipated. I mean, I already knew the process was intricate but it’s a whole other experience when you actually attempt it yourself.” Stolas gave a weak chuckle as he prodded at the eggs simmering in the skillet. “I’ve lost count of the amount of times I almost blew up my grinder or ruined my insides.”

Blitzø, taking a much larger sip of his coffee hummed appreciatively. “Yeah, bad coffee can f- trip you up.” He knew that to be true. He once had to get his stomach pumped from drinking brew made by some dumbshit in his RV. That experience wasn’t really as painful as the telling-off Moxxie gave him afterwards. Little bitch always had act like he was right.

He took another big gulp. “You did good, though. Five stars.”

It wasn’t blind praise. Blitzø never bullshitted how he felt about what he drank and ate, (Much to Moxxie’s, Fizz’s, his Sunday Barista or, really, anyone’s annoyance) and the coffee was no exception; heavy and crisp with a balanced pairing of earthy and floral notes, the acidity like berries that left plenty of room for flavor instead of just tang. And the aftertaste didn’t linger like secondhand smoke, it left gradually with a mellow sheen that he didn’t mind in the slightest. Even though he was more an iced coffee guy, this was a kind of coffee Blitzø could see himself drinking again. When he wasn’t hungover, that is.

“Well, I’m thrilled to hear that, Mister Blitzø. Thank you.” Stolas responded gratefully.

By now, he had placed a lid over the eggs to let them simmer which allowed him to focus on chopping up the peppers. The imp assumed that had all he had been cutting up before Stolas turned to delicately slide a plate baring an apple that had been sliced in a way that the core stood erect as a tower with the slices spread open like a flower bloom. Before he can ask how the hell he did that so fast, Via chirped happily before plucking one slice and biting into it with a thank you.

Blitzø found her delight over the piece of fruit adorable, which the baby owl took as an invitation to pluck another slice and offer it to him with a smile. Satan, could this kid get any cuter?

He took the offered slice with a cheeky grin. Only to quickly toss it in the air and catch it with his tongue like an iguana’s, adding a “Bleh!” just for laughs, for which he earned a round of giggles from Via. He had almost missed by being blindsided by the cinnamon and spice flavor that had been baked into it. It had to have been made that very morning if the warmth and freshness of the slice was anything to go by, allowing the fruit to melt orgasmically well into his taste-buds. Wow.

He and Via had had unanimously agreed to split the apple between them, with no objections from Stolas as he busied himself with divvying up the vegetables and summoning other ingredients from the kitchen to prepare accordingly. Via filled up most of the time with chattering on innocently about little things, how funny her dream was last night, how home-school was “five times better than private school as there were less big dummy poop-heads” - Blitzø almost choked on a slice while Stolas lightly admonished her about “language” - And how her daddy once made her the bestest cake ever in the in the whole wide world for her fifth birthday. Blitzø, for as sweet as he found her daughterly praise, had to swallow the gag when she started going on about the “tasty” mouse chunks Stolas had added.

Bird or no, eating mice for Blitzø was a flat out no.

A sudden, horrifying though than popped into his head. Was Stolas going to add mice to his food?

Like mouse sausage? Mice bacon? Rat peppers? Was that a thing?! Or was he just pulling a Moxxie and asking dumbass question?

. . . Probably just being a Moxxie.

His internal debate was cut short by something else being set before him. A damn good-looking something.

An omelet the size of Blitzø’s fist lay before him, hot and steaming and straight from the hot plate. Yellow as can be with spots of golden brown, there were no signs of tears of breakage, with a perfect fluffy layer peeking from the folds stuffed with meat, veggies and oozing cheeses. The artsy fucker had even gone the extra mile and draped the top of it with a thin sheet of mozzarella, some garnish and a couple slices of baby tomatoes. Talk about extra.

“There you are, this morning’s special - ‘Egg On Your Face’ Mega-Omelet, with all the fixings and extra cheese for those unwelcome aches and pains. If I’ve done my job right, it should fix you right up.”

“Like magic!” Via dded with a bright smile. Both men chuckled at her.

“Like magic, huh?” Blitzø smirked. Well, I’ll just have to see about that.

Sure, the eggs may have looked good, but Blitzø had learned all too well that food looking good and tasting good were two totally different things.

What looked like a pile of slop to the naked eye could taste just as good as a five morning star meal served Beelzebub herself. The same thing applied to a plate of fancy finger foods that cost the same as a house mortgage but tasted like cardboard in the end. And Blitzø certainly had more than enough exposure to lousy food like that, thank you and fuck you very much, with no wish to repeat it.

Which he hoped he wouldn’t with this monster-omelet before him.

Deciding not to put it off any longer, he picked up his fork and dug the prongs into the soft-cooked eggs, scooping up a decent-sized bite with plenty of pepper, meat and cheese. After a moment’s consideration, he also speared one of the baby tomato slices. He gave the loaded fork a few blows to cool it, because there was no way he was going to down a maybe-shitty breakfast with a burnt tongue.

He stuck the fork in his mouth -

And his mind was BLOWN.

If there was such a thing as a bit of paradise, than these eggs were the mother fucking proof in the pudding. Or omelet, in this case.

The eggs were cooked to perfection; nice and fluffy to where they melt on in his mouth like luscious chocolate from Lust’s first class bakeries. And the flavor was like a parade in his mouth, from the salty onions, the crisp tomato and the sweet peppers, the numerous flavors sucker-punched his sense of taste without overwhelming the presence of the eggs. The meat inside was spectacular too, the bacon was at the optimum point between chewy and crispy, and the sausage was deliciously flavorful and greasy. His kind of meat, with the right amount of salt and black pepper.

He could barely hold down the pleasurable moan, but did nothing to stop all the muscles in his body from going lax.

Man, fuck trying to go to heaven, the key to fucking Eden’s Gate was right in his head hole.

A bemused coo. “So I take it you like it?”

Blitzø taste-jizzed mind abruptly snapped back into focus. Stolas’s beak was curled into a big, smug-ass grin that made his own fault in to a frown. The owl simply looked at him expectant. Dammit, if the kid weren’t here, he would have gladly told the bird exactly where to shove that grin.

Instead, he gave a disgruntled growl. “Yea, it’s . . . okay.”

Most chefs would have promptly gotten offended by such a dry appraisal of their “masterpieces”, especially if it came from an “uncultured swine” such as him.

But once again, Stolas surprised him by delivering a pleased smile in lieu of a hissy fit. “Well, I’m glad you like it. Eat up now, or it’ll get cold.”

Blitzø chose not to shoot off a shitty comeback, despite being rankled by the “order”. He took out his bubbling frustrations out on his food, picking up the plate and bringing it close enough to begin shoveling the omelet into his mouth like a starving man.

The petty, spiteful gremlin that was roughly, meeeh, ninety percent of his overall personality hoped that such a messy personality hoped that such a messy display would earn at least, would earn a groan of disgust. Always did the trick when he wanted to annoy Moxxie.

However, much to Blitzø’s complete consternation, the owl just gave a small humored hoot and returned to the hotplate with a single crack or insult. Like he didn’t give two shits about his bad manners.

Blitzø internally growled. What an ASS.

. . . A pretty ass, but still.

“I’m glad you’re pleased by my cooking skills.” The big bastard (Yes, Blitzø was calling him that again, suck it.) said happily, busying by wiping down the skillet while beating a new batch of eggs and sliding two slices of bread into a small old-fashioned toaster. “I have to admit, my main specialty is baking and drinks, but I try my best to expand my range of cuisine when I can.”

Once the yolks and whites were thoroughly whipped, there were poured into the skillet and almost immediately they started to sizzle and bubble from the rewarmed metal. “Unfortunately, I can’t cook the kind of food necessary to run a full-fledged cafe’.”

Blitzø swallowed a sizable bite of egg and pepper before asking, “Can’t you just wiggle your fingers and hocus pocus a steak or something?”

Stolas shook his head. “Alas that’s more Lady Beelzebub’s forte than mine. Even my magic can only do so much. Now if this was a flower shop that would be another matter, but it is what it is.”

“I’m glad it isn’t.” Via piped up. “I love Daddy’s cafe’! And I love helping him cook!”

“And you do such a magnificent job, my Owlette.” Stolas’s praise was followed by a small plate of scrambled eggs encircled by toast cut into the shape of flowers and mice, covered in butter and jam. Via took it with a bright thanks, digging in right away with a sparkly pink fork also provided by Stolas. “But sadly, a cafe’ needs more than peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and milk to cater to wider clientele. Not that I’m downplaying your talent as a chef, darling.”

“I’s okay, Daddy.” Via said, crumbs dotted on her beak from biting into one of her toast flowers. “I know it’s only because I’m not big enough to use the stove yet.” Blitzø mirrored her smile as she beamed up at him. “Once I can do that, Daddy said I could make even better dishes just like him.”

“Indeed I will, Starfire.” Stolas affirmed. “But for now, I’ll have to settle for looking for another cook. Sadly though -” Stolas pulled a face. “- There hasn’t been one suitable enough to help me run things here.”

“Yeah, it’s hard running the show solo.” Blitzø agreed. “Sucks even more when you don’t have a good crew to back you up. Don’t know where I’d be with M&M.”

Stolas blinked. “Uhm, ‘M&M’?”

Via blinked too. “Like the candy?”

Blitzø snickered. “Nah, Moxxie and Millie, friends of mine and my emplo-” He cut himself off with a grimace. “Well. Who were supposed to be my employees.”

The sudden downtrodden shift that overcame the imp id not go unnoticed by Stolas. “‘Supposed to be?’ What does that -”

“Don’t ask.” Blitzø said curtly. After a second, he added a little less harshly. “I-I don’t really wanna get into it right now.”

Because if I do, I KNOW I’m just going to get pissed off and do something shitty all over again.

“. . . . Alright then.”

Blitzø could hear it clear as day that the bird bastard had more questions, and would more than likely prefer to bombard him with rapid-fire questions like Moxxie would when he wanted to be particularly annoying. But thank Satan, he looked put off enough to put him off.

Small blessings.

The next few minutes passed in silence. The lull of it broken only by the sounds of silverware hitting the plates as Blitzø and Via ate, the drip of coffee as more was brewed in the pot and the subdued sounds of crunching each time either a somewhat concerned Via offered Blitzø a bite of her toast or, returning the favor, when he offered her a bite of bacon or sausage – He learned quick that she didn’t like peppers so much so he did well to avoid giving her any filled-to-the-brim bites. He could only hoped that the reason she liked it wasn’t because the meat that was in it wasn’t made from rodent.

It probably was, though, because . . . Birds.

Eventually, Blitzø had cleaned his plate, a satisfying weight settling in his stomach, he let out a contented sigh, his headache feeling miles better than almost a half hour before. “Woo, that was good. A frickin’ plus.”

The owl’s smiled chased away some of the terseness from before. “Happy to hear it. It’s always good to get good reviews on new dishes.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet. Quick question, though.”

“Yes?”

Blitzø pointed at the now empty plate. “Level with me – Was there any mice in that? Because, I get it, you and Via are birds, but I kinda draw the line when it comes to eating plague-carrying little turds.”

Stolas tittered at that. “No, no, I assure you, no lovely vermin of any kind was served to you. Unfortunately, I’ve learned that mice are terrible cures for hangovers.”

“What’s a hangover?” Via asked in that no-filter, childishly clueless way that all little hellspawn did.

Stolas, in a perfectly natural response to such a question, was freeze awkwardly. “O-oh, well, erm-”

Blitzø supplied the answer. “It’s like a really bad stomach bug, but for grown-ups.” Giving the little owl a conspiratorial grin, he added in a fake whisper, “Basically, if you eat too much green stuff, your poop comes out greener than Mammon’s butt.”

Via burst into a peal of little girl laughter that definitely brought an easy diffusion to Stolas’s unease, even earning a couple of barely smothered hoots that were poorly hidden by his hand.

Huh. That was twist.

Usually the parents were scolding him at this point, the usual uptight bullshit spiel about “using such vulgar language in front of their innocent little babies, you demented little firetoad!”

Not that he gave a shit because he was a comic genius, fuckyou, Moxxie.

After a bit, both birds managed to quell their laughter enough for Stolas to gently urge Via to head upstairs and get ready for the day. She agreed without protest, stopping only to allow Blitzø to ruffle her headfeathers as he added, “Gotta look cute for the suckers!” That earned him an admonishing look from Stolas that was weakened by his approving smile.

A smile that only grew bigger when Via caught the imp completely off-guard with an unexpected hug, her tiny arms wrapping swiftly and tightly around his waist, almost sending him falling off his stool. Before he could recover, Via was already heading up the staircase, humming cheerfully all the way.

Stolas’s soft chuckle drew Blitzø out of his shock. “Via has certainly taken a liking to you quickly.”

“Uh, yeah, I-I guess.” Blitzø rubbed at the back of his neck. “Last time I got hugged like that, some piece of shit nicked my wallet to buy thirty Bruiser King gift cards.”

“Oh, that’s a pity.”

“Joke was on him, though, he got food poisoning with the first card he used.”

Stolas hummed approvingly as he poured them both a fresh cup of coffee. “Well, I suppose there is such a thing as karma.”

Blitzø barked out a laugh. “Ha! Yeah, and maybe there’s a God.” He accepted the refilled mug, along with the offered sugar and creamers, and dumped almost each one in like an alcoholic adding liqueur. “Uh, speakin’ of, what do I owe ya?”

Stolas, who had added his own preferred condiments to his coffee in much more moderate manner, paused in his blowing at the steam rising from his mug. “Pardon?”

“What do I owe ya? For the food and coffee.” After a moment, he also added with only a tiny wince of guilt. “And whatever else my drunk ass did to your place before I blacked out.”

By emotionally-traumatized principle, he wouldn’t have asked outright. Often times, being the victim of a classist system that shat on those on the bottom rung, he had been subjected to grossly padded bills and unexpected expenses issued by a good percentage of the “well-to-do” owners of “upstanding establishments” where he wound up spending half the night washing up dishes. Once he got fast enough, and only if neither the food nor the service was worth the lightening of his wallet. Blitzø didn’t hesitate to pull a dine and dash; making escapes either through the bathroom window, the vent, or once through riding one of those fancy dining carts into the kitchen and out the employee entrance that admittingly had been fun to ride . . .

. . . Right up until he learned too late that the entrance opened right up to a three-story staircase with no handrail.

Needless to say, that had been one shitty ride to the hospital, Moxxie lecturing him the whole damn eight miles.

After everything – And he meant everything – in his lower body healed, he opted to hold out on anymore dashing. At least until the little baby-dick whineypuss would get off his fucking back about paying.

That aside, he saw no reason to be the deadbeat bun right now. Not when Stolas had been nothing but polite towards him. Even though he certainly didn’t deserve such kindness . . .

He braced himself for the amount as he took a long sip of his sweetened coffee -

“Oh, you needn’t worry – You don’t owe me a sint.”

Blitzø sputtered into his mug, nearly choking on the brew as he processed the owl’s words. “*Cough* *Cough* *Hack* Blegh! Excuse me?”

“You don’t need to pay me.” Stolas restated. “Like I said, you’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve been nothing but civil, you are obviously sorry for any offense you think you’ve given – Not that you have, don’t make that face – And more importantly, Via likes you. So I see no reason to change you.”

Blitzø frowned at him. “You’re screwing with me.” He stated flatly.

“I assure you, I am not. Honestly, your praise over your breakfast was payment enough. In all honesty, you were doing me a favor.”

“Meaning?”

“I don’t get a chance to try out new recipes on new faces very often, so any new opinions are always appreciated.” Blitzø felt his face fault at the slow, awfully sensual smile the owl sent him. “Especially ones as sublime as yours.”

Blitzø forgoed looking him in the eye, each cerise eye of his hooded and looking at him like he was going to be the next dish for him to devour, choosing instead to chug down half the contents of his mug. Gulping audibly, he mumbled back, “Glad I was such a good guinea pig for you.”

“I prefer the term ‘freelanced taste-taster’, personally.” Stolas retorted politely.

“I don’t want your charity.” Blitzø bit at him.

“Nor am I giving it to you. Like I said, you did me a favor.”

“How do you know I’m not some thieving bastard taking adventure of goody-two-shoes shop owners like you?”

“I have measures set to prevent such an occurrence.”

“I’m an undercover health inspector and you just failed.”

“Now you’re just grasping, dear.”

Blitzø rubbed a hand over his face. “You can’t just -” He let out a frustrated breath. “Look, I get you’re an . . . Okay guy and you are obviously trying to set a good example for your kid. I get that, but I don’t want to be the lasting impression of what to expect when giving out freebies to poor drunken bitches like me. No one should have to deal with that without getting paid, -”

“Mister Blitzø.”

Stolas’s firm tone stopped him with the sharpness of a smacked ruler. His face was stern, but not completely harsh as he eyes were looking at him with a softness that pricked at his chest.

“You. Do. Not. Me. Anything. And when I say something like that, it’s because I mean it with all the sincerity that is implied. It is not just for the sake of looking good in front of Via and certainly not some sort of dastardly ruse to get you to lower your guard. You’ve apologized and you meant it, you’ve been kind towards my daughter and enjoyed my cooking without bias or sarcasm. That said, believe me when I tell that is something I care for much more than any check or bill.”

Stolas sipped at his coffee calmly, making no comment about the for certain mollified expression on his face. “So, please, no more apologies. They are appreciated, but to be honest, after twenty-two of them, it just feels repetitive.”

Blitzø gave him a look. “Sorry what now?”

“Mister Blitzø -”

“Nah, nah, what you just said, the fuck you mean I said sorry twenty-two times?”

Stolas’s beak dropped into a thin line, taking a moment to maybe think his words over before formulating a response, “When Via and I found you last night, you were in a . . . A great deal of distress.” He was clearly trying to more emphatic than judgmental. “You were greatly intoxicated and horridly incoherent. Once I was close enough, all I could hear was you saying sorry over and over.”

Blitzø could feel himself growing hot from the neck up in embarrassment. The apprehensive caution in Stolas’s voice was doing fuck all to help the crashing wave of shame following up like a speeding train.

He didn’t need Stolas to tell him what he was bawling like a baby over.

But, ever the bottom bitch for punishment, asked anyway. “. . . I say what for?”

Stolas then turned sheepish. “O-Oh well, uh-uhm, I don’t quite recall -”

“Bird, I don’t do any of that hee-haw Shit, it’s too early and I’m still hungover and all I’m gonna do is get pissed off now WHAT did I SAY?”

With two sets of eyes, it was easy to see that Blitzø was not going to give up on getting an answer. Stolas sighed softly.

“You made a great deal of apologies to a great deal of people. I didn’t catch every name but, erm, you had quite the list.” He sipped at his mug, stalling for only a minute before continuing.

“You apologized to a miss Mistly for dinging her car door while trying parallel park by a Wacdonald’s, a miss Queen for breaking smashing her one of a kind pirate ship in a bottle instead of the pinata by accident on her birthday, a miss Millie for chipping her favorite ax, a mister Moxxie for making him run all the way to Greed for a single battery for your TV remote, dropping his guitar fourteen times, borrowing his wallet, or more accurately, pinching his wallet to pay for Voxflix twice, a miss Barbie for stealing one of her skirts and ripping it whilst performing a split, I couldn’t really make out what exactly you were apologizing to a “Vee” and a “Fizz” for -”

“Okay!” Blitzø blurted out. “Okay! I get it! I get it! I was a hot mess, no more shit needed, I got it!” He cringed at the indignant crack in his voice. Christ, like he didn’t look enough like a pathetic shit already. He might as well plan to fake his own death again.

You know what they say, fifth time’s the charm.

“It wasn’t that bad.” Stolas’s weak attempt to reassure him only bounced off of the imp like a ping-pong ball. “It really wasn’t. Really, you should have seen me afterwards when I was binge-drinking.”

Blitzø scoffed. “Yeah, yeah, I’m sure you got real frisky from all those white wine spritzers.”

“Actually, I tended to lean more towards absinthe.” Stolas retorted, with no little bit of sass, taking a small bit of gratification from Blitzø’s surprised. “Of course, with how I was knocking back each bottle, you’d almost believe they were Purgerade drinks.”

Blitzø lifted his head from where he had been pressing it into the bartop. “Damn, how many we talkin’?”

“At least two to three on a good night, or whatever was close to that.”

The imp gave a low whistle. “”Fuck me, bird. I get shit-faced after half a bottle, how the fuck are you still standing?”

“At this point, stubbornness and sheer dumb luck, I believe.” Stolas quipped.

That startled enough mirth in Blitzø to actually make him laugh. “Join the club, pal.”

“I fear I cannot, as I have cut back my vigorous drinking to properly attend to Octavia. Leaving my former occupation did wonders for helping me cub the habit.”

“Bosses sucked that bad, huh?”

“Doubly so, considering it was a family business, sort to speak, although, I can assure they were family in name only.”

“Ugh. Preachin’ to the fuckin’ choir – there’s only so much shitty family a bitch could take in one day.”

“That, Mister Blitzø, I can wholeheartedly agree on.”

There were getting off-track. Blitzø bit his lip. “. . . I’m sorry for my shit.”

“For the final time, no more apologizes are necessary.”

He angled his head towards the staircase door. “I probably scared your kid.”

“Via has seen far worse, I assure you. Even when off your cups, you weren’t untoward her in any way, so you can save any of the claims of indecency that you’ve half-heartedly concocted in that crafty little mind of yours.”

“Just let me fuckin’ pay you.”

“I neither require nor want your money and I promise you, should you try to force any $ouls on me, I will promptly set it to aflame.”

“Lilith’s titties, you’re a stubborn bitch.”

“And you are an equally stubborn spendthrift.”

“Fuck you.”

“Not without dinner, if you please.”

Blitzø groaned. “God, we’re gonna keep talking in circles if you don’t just charge me and get it over with. I’m not fucking broke, I have the $ouls, just let me pay you.”

Stolas’s counter remark definitely caught Blitzø unawares. “It’s been a long time since anyone’s done something genuinely kind for you, hasn’t it?”

Blitzø’s hackles rose instantly at the “innocent” statement. “You trying to say something?”

Stolas merely sipped at his coffee. “Just an assessment.”

“Or you being a dickhead.”

“I made you a free breakfast for which I expect nothing in return. I am being absolutely forthright whereas you are choosing not to believe that I have no ulterior motives. Who, might I ask, is being the dickhead here?”

Oh, this smug bitch.

He had wanted to let loose a snarl that would make the owl falter in his not requested charity streak. He felt the urge already rising in his throat, ready to finally tell off this prick who was seriously starting to piss him off . . .

. . . But could only let out a low whine at the exhaustion of prolonging the one-sided argument, the fatigue of a bad night, getting totally smashed and crashing just as hard setting in. Being still half hungover sure as shit was not helping to keep the spark of pride burning.

If anything, Blitzø felt even more tired.

He wanted nothing more than to lay everything out, pay whatever the fucking bird deserved and drag his broke-back ass back home and lick his wounds from last night. And the only thing that was stopping him was getting through to this royally stubborn and feathery (Not to mention pretty soft-looking) bastard of a demon.

“Alright, look – I want to pay you back, but for some weird ass reason, you won’t let me.”

“I think we have perfectly established that.”

“So we got a problem.”

“Which could be solved by you accepting my putting your breakfast on the house.”

“And it should be clear as fuck that ain’t happening.”

“So I’ve gathered.”

Blitzø blew a breath of air out of his nose. “I’m not just being an asshole here – I don’t like owing people anything. I’ve been dipping in and out of debts for years, financial and personal. And just that fucking recently I finally managed to pay off a good chunk of them only to literally be screwed over again almost the same fucking day. So now I’m once again edging too damn close to bankruptcy for my liking.”

He gave the owl a flat look. “Meaning I can’t take any chances, such as freebies or random handouts, cuz Charity was just as easily turn into high-interest loans with zero time frames for return payments, unless you want to set up an installment plan that involves cutting out pounds of flesh ever week. Obviously, a guy like me can’t afford to look any more fucked up than he is with a chunk of anything missing.

“All that said, do you see what I’m gettin’ at?”

“. . . . I’m starting to.” Stolas said with a considerate look.

“Satisfaction eased through Blitzø’s frame. “Great. Glad we finally got that -”

“All the same, you needn’t pay me.”

And just like that it was gone.

He growled so sharply it would have destroyed eardrums had he done it inside of headphone speakers. “You fuckin’-”

“But since you won’t accept the gesture,” Stolas interrupted calmly. “How about just doing me a special favor?”

“‘Special favor’?” Blitzø blinked. “What kinda -”

A sound not unlike a light bulb dinged in his thank full-no-longer-as-sore cranium.

Oh.

Oh okay.

He gave a resigned sigh. “Hooookay, look, tootsie hootsie, if you just wanted a quick shag in the back all you had to do was ask. But I gotta warn ya, the place I’ve fucked in was a public bathroom that probably wasn’t cleaned in the last year or two, so I’ll probably need to wipe down the goods with something. Baby wipes would be good if got’em -”

“NO!” A spluttered hoot brought his attention back to Stolas, whose heart-shaped features had turned an almost violent shade of crimson in the span of half a minute. “No! No, no! Not that kind of favor, no! I mean I need your mouth!”

Blitzø gave him a deadpan look. “Yeah, I got that much, relax.”

“No! No! I mean -” Stolas let out a shaky warble before planting his face into his hands while muttering to himself in fit of bashfulness.

Blitzø just sipped at his coffee, waiting for him to spit whatever he wanted to say out. To his credit, he didn’t stare, knowing from his own share of verbal vomiting moments that doing that would just make his embarrassment worse.

Even though he no clue what the fuck he was suddenly so damn worked up about.

I mean, fuck, if I had a sint for each time I said the “wrong” things, I’d be raking in more money more green than Mammon.

A deep breath. “Forgive me, I’m doing this all wrong. I’m trying to offer you a deal. Something, I hope, will mutually beneficial to the both of us.”

The incredulous look on Blitzø’s face was quickly addressed. “Nothing vulgar or dramatic involved, you needn’t worry. Nothing of the sort.” He took another deep breath. “I would like for to come in again, and try my cooking.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

“Say what now?”

Stolas made a small noise of exasperation. “As I said, I’m still relatively new to running a business dealing with dining and catering and the like. I’m often pushed into having to spontaneously expand my range of techniques and specialties depending on my success. I know I’m capable, but I know that I can’t just rely on my own opinion and preferences alone. Even more so when I’m attempting new dishes. As such, I need an outside opinion.”

The imp blinked. “And yooouuu think that’s me?”

Stolas nodded. “Very much so.”

“Some fucking rando off the street who broke into your private property, was wasted out of his mind and could just as easily rob you blind despite these so-called ‘measures’ you said you have?”

“Not as ‘so-called’ as you say, but yes.”

“Rrrright.” Blitzø rolled his eyes. “Don’tcha have, I dunno other foodie friends, you can ask? Or maybe just wait for some famous food blogger critic douchebag to to come in and give you a rating?”

“None that would trust to be fair or take seriously, or assume my want for approval is really a want for cheap compliments – that I’m desperate enough to give someone license to either be obnoxiously petty or to deliver the best shallow review that procures them a not so low-key invitation to my bedroom.”

Blitzø grunted. “Asshats.”

“You should see how quickly they recoil as soon as they learn of Via.”

“Fuckin’ asshats.”

“Quite.” Stolas affirmed. “And to answer your other question, yes, I do have others whose say I do value, but I’ve heard relying on the biased does not help one’s credibility. I do appreciate the precious few whom I’m fortunate enough to have as friends, but I need a healthy dose of honesty from outside sources to provoke me to experiment and expand myself.”

“And you think that guy is me?” Blitzø repeated, gesturing to himself crudely.

“Of course.”

“Bullshit.”

“Good gracious, and you call me stubborn.”

“It’s not -” He let out a small snarl.

Seriously? He was still keeping this up? Enough was enough.

“Look, I get you’re trying to be nice, I get that. But, trust me, I’m the last fucking guy you want to be nice to let alone have around. Seriously, ask fucking anyone in hearing distance – I’m a right bastard on a good day and a pushy dickhead on a bad one, I’ve fucked up more people than I’ve actually helped and you would have more sense to shoot me rather than invite me over again. I mean, you gotta kid to think about, and -”

Blitzø shook his head. “And you don’t want me messin’ with your business. The one I tried starting flopped before I even got my feet off the ground. Pretty sure that speaks a fuckton for how helpful I can be towards you.”

He could barely ignore the burning sting of truth in that statement.

Saying all the shit that was a constant boiling inside him all out loud sucked.

It sucked balls.

He knew it was better than letting it all rot and fester like he let everything else – But it still sucked.

Fuck what his therapist said about it being being cathartic. He should quit that bitch.

It’s not like he would be able to pay them for much longer anyway.

Blitzø knew he was not the kind of person to be asked to come back. Even the scraps of friends he had managed to hang on to could barely wait for him to leave as soon as he said hello.

Moxxie was the leading example of proving him right. Even when Blitzø actually adhered to his demands of privacy and properly asking for invites to visit, (That Blitzø still found completely anal of him although he bit his lip) Moxxie was adamant to get him out the door before he could even get two fucks in.

Even Millie, Moxxie’s blast and a half of a wife, who was far more accommodating than her whore-back husband, drew the line when it came to his company being longer than necessary.

That was to say fucking nothing about his own flesh and blood.

Barbie Wire, his twin sister, his other half, would sooner see him six feet under before seeing him again.

Cash Buckzo, his father, never asked for him, never wanted him, and made it a point of telling him so straight to his face more than once.

His mother, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . She sure as fuck would have been better off without him.

And his exes? Those who he didn’t remember or couldn’t care to remember, those he never took a chance on because of him being too much of a pussy to try?”

Verosika? It was pretty fucking clear on how that went.

Fizz?

He was never wanted.

He was never missed.

He was never asked to come back.

Not for a visit.

Not for a drink.

Never just to hang and shoot the shit.

He was always tossed away as soon as necessary.

He was always left behind, pushed aside, shoved into the background.

Forgotten.

Dead for all those concerned.

Dead, except in the way he wanted when he was at the lowest he could be.

No one ever missed him.

No one ever wanted him back.

Nobody.

“. . . . I fuck things up more often than I get them right. There’s a pretty good chance if you get involved with me, shit’s gonna go sideways for you too.”

He wasn’t sure if he had muttered that part aloud or not. Not that he gave a shit.

He halfway expected to be asked to repeat himself.

Or maybe Stolas would curse him under his breath for being such a dramatic bitch.

Maybe he would finally cut the bullshit and be real about what the fuck that he really wanted from him.

However, all Blitzø got in response, was a soft touch at his wrist, soft as silk and just as gentle.

Along with two sets of big cerise rose eyes that crinkled gently at the corners as they held his gaze with calmness and sympathy.

And maybe something else, but that could’ve been that whiny, fractured part of himself making up what wasn’t actually there.

“I’ve taken far riskier gambles than trusting a stranger out of the blue, Mister Blitzø.” Stolas spoke in such a comforting voice. “And I have yet to lose from any of them. Perhaps it’s rather cocky to say so, but since my winning streak has yet to be broken, I think you’re a rather good bet to take a chance on.”

The tender smile, that was nothing short of dazzling, he gave Blitzø at the end such a declaration was a damn good seller.

Satan forbid this man ever works for Vox – cause with that smile, he could sell gas station keys like they were the keys to gates of Eden itself. I mean, if his touch alone could send sparks up my arm like he was doing right now. . .

Fuck him if he knew.

The hand causing such a feeling than gave two soft pats to his wrist before lifting away to grab the coffee pot once more, refilling Blitzø’s mug with still steaming java and the exact number of sugars and creams he had diluted it with before.

“So, how does coming in twice, three times a week sound? I usually close the cafe’ around seven since I try to get Octavia in bed by eight thirty on weeknights. If you like to come by over the weekend, I close around six thirty to seven o’clock depending on how busy I get. Except any catering orders or special events, I’m not fussy over whenever you come over. All I ask is that you let me know when you’re coming by in advance so I can have something ready for you. A day or two ahead would be just fine.”

Blitzø, this time, could not find in him to groan loudly in protest to the blatant hardheaded dismissal of the what seemed like hours long argument. The argument he bitterly realized that he couldn’t fight against.

That did nothing to stop him from throwing his head back and scowling at the annoying as shit clean ceiling tiles above them.

“. . . . . . . You really aren’t gonna give this up, are you?” He said after a while.

“I suppose I’m about as bull-headed as you are.”

Blitzø gave a chuffing laugh at that.

Well, fuck.

What was he supposed to do with that?

What could he do with that?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Fuck it, if the worst happened, he could just disappear again, right?

Not likely Stolas would look for him just for a review, right?

. . . . Right.

“. . . . . . . . . . The peppers and onions were both sweet.”

Stolas blinked at him like the owl he was.

Heh. Cute.

“The omelet was good, but it was kinda over-sweetened; I don’t know what kinda onions you added but personally I would use a more subtle kind of onion to help round out the sweetness of the peppers.”

He let this sink in for a moment before continuing, “I remember seeing you add a green pepper so next time I would recommend using a shallot, maybe about half a tablespoon’s worth should be right. A regular tablespoon’s good too if you don’t use too much of the peppers.”

He sipped at his refreshed coffee. “I personally, like some spice in my eggs to help me wake up, so don’t be afraid to throw some in the mix in the future. Like oregano or basil. You don’t have to go crazy with the amount, though, - just about when you’re making the bowl and a few dashes of it on top when ya put it on the plate. It’ll pair well with the tomatoes and not distract you too much from the rest of the food.”

He took a breath. “Coffee’s good, strong enough to double as a chemical peel, everything any caffeine addict is looking for. The aftertaste doesn’t turn me off from drinking the rest and from how it feels going down I am a hundred and fifteen percent sure you’re a nit-pick bitch cuz I taste how finely you ground the beans without turning them to powder. It’s good ya didn’t because that shit’s only good foe about half hour before fighting to keep your eyes open by either shooting up some dope or knocking back enough 66-Hour-Energy drinks to give the Big B a heart attack.”

Shouldn’t he stop? Maybe he was saying too much. Stolas had asked for honesty and Blitzø was doing his best to deliver it with as little jackassery as possible.

Problem was, for Blitzø, jackassery was his default language, according to practically everyone and their fat mom’s. And, most of the time, he didn’t even realize how much he let slip out before he got a sharp crack across the face. Or a knee to the balls.

He chanced a look at Stolas. If he looked upset, he could take it all back. It wasn’t too late, he could still backtrack -

Tiny stars sparked in Stolas’s wide eyes. Small and bright and beautiful, looking every bit like the twinkling little lights his mom would tell stories to him and Barbie back in their childhood. After the circus ring was cleared of trash and the last Hellhorse was tucked in their stall. Back when, even thought hings weren’t easy, everything was okay.

Before everything suddenly wasn’t.

Stolas, upon noticing Blitzø looking at him, instantly grew more flustered in some odd cacophony of joy and mortification, his plumage fluffing up from the top of his crown to the little floof of feathers on his chest. His hands belated came up to smooth them back into place, unfortunately they did little to quell them along with the rosy blush that tinted his face plate into an eye-catching pink.

Damn, this bird was so cute it was unfair.

The anxious itch in his chest was put to ease right there and then.

This couldn’t actually work, could it?

. . . Could it?

. . . . . . Maybe. Just maybe.

Emboldened, Blitzø sent the owl a lazy smile that easily darkened the pink on his face, matching the warmth the imp felt on his own face. “The apple was like a fucking angel feather, so soft and tasty. You have got to show me how the ever-loving fuck you made it turning to to applesauce ‘cause that shit was better than fuckin’ crack.”

Stolas looked like he couldn’t decide whether to be elated or overwhelmed.

After an awkwardly long amount of time, he clearly had settled on elation. His upper set of eyes turned upward in little crescents as his beak returned the smile with a brightness that Blitzø felt proud of bring out.

“I’d be happy to, darling.”

To be continued . . .

ME: Hey all you sinners & saints! Who’s excited for HAZBIN HOTEL coming out this friday?!?!?!? (Or Thursday if you actually watch it at it’s appointed time) I know I am!

I am SO EXCITED AND DESPERATELY TRYING TO IGNORE THE FACT THIS STORY IS LITTERALLY GOING TO LOST IN HAZBIN HIGH THAT I KNOW IS COMING FOR THE PAST WEEK. AND THE WEEK AFTER THAT. And the week after that . . .

ANYWAYSO, here is the recipe for the Mega-Omelet, which let me tell, just reading the ingredients alone mad me feel full! Also, what do you do for your respective hangovers? Let me know in the comments!

I’ll have the next (& FINAL chapter of this installment) written and posted as soon as I can, so until then, eat hearty, everyone!

Oh, and enjoy your stay at the Hazbin Hotel . . .

[the-soliloquies-of-sadists]

#355

“Hey Wilson.  Get over here….  I hear you are a faggot cocksucker.  Are you?...  Don’t bother answering.  I heard from Rebecca that her husband, Deputy Akers, questioned you at the rest stop on the highway.  When she told me that, I was going to talk to my father to get you fired.  We don’t need your kind around here.  I was telling Frank and Burt that I was going to do it, and you know they both told me not to.  Frank said he would quit if I did that.  It seems that you’ve been gobbing their knobs for some time….

“Frank and I go back a long time, to our days in the Corps.  We used to go through whores together, hundreds of them.  When he said you suck better than all of them, I thought no way.  Burt totally agreed.  Frank told me I should give your mouth a try, that your mouth knows how to take care of a big dick.  But unlike the bitches we used back in the days, you can take a good skull fuck.

“That got me thinking.  If my best bud from the Corps and my six-foot six foreman—two of the manliest men I know—can let a faggot swing on their dicks, when they can get any woman they want, you must be that good.  You better be that good. 

“I made sure everyone has left for the day.  It’s just you and me.  If you mention this to anyone, even Frank and Burt, I will personally shove my fist so far into your face that you will have to reach behind your head to pick your nose.  That’s not just a promise, that’s a fucking threat.  Now get on your knees.

“The fuck?... You want another bitch slap?  Then don’t fucking look up at me….  Did you just say, ‘Sorry Sir?’  That’s right you know who’s fucking in charge.  It’s big isn’t it?  It gets thicker at the base.  I know you fags like to know size, that’s eight and a half inches of grade A beef. 

“To the root faggot.  To the fucking root.  Oh fuck.  Oh man.  Damn boy, Burt and Frank were right, you know how to take a cock.  But this isn’t about you bobbin’ my knob.  I’m in control of this fucking blow job.  That’s it, gag on it faggot.  Your throat pussy is sliming up my dick real good…. 

“No, this is no pussy; this is a cunt.  Cunts are meant to be used and tossed aside.  Treat them like shit.  Make them feel that they are nothing.  They are nothing.  You know what?  You are worse than that.  Pull off.  What do you have to say about that, faggot?

“…Jesus fuck.  You want to be treated like a piece of shit?...  Do Frank and Burt treat you like that?...  They do?  And faggot, you were addressing me as ‘Sir’ at the end of each sentence a few moments ago.  I want that to continue. 

“What does Frank do to you to treat you like shit?...  Smacks you around?  Across the face like this?...  Oh yeah.  I like doing that.  Very few bitches know how to take a hand slap and know that it is a man’s right to assert his dominance….  The best part of cunt slapping you is that I don’t have to hold back my strength, and you thank me afterwards.  I’m beginning to get the appeal of you faggot.  What else does Frank do to you?  He probably does your ass….  I knew it….  He also shoves his fist in there?...  How the hell does that work?...  Nevermind.

“What about Burt?  What does he do to you?...  Oh that’s nasty.  You stick your tongue into his ass crack?  Why?...  What the fuck?  What if there’s skid marks?...  You really are disgusting.  You want to eat his ass like that?... And drink his piss?...  Of course you are a piss drinker. 

“In the corps, there were a couple of bitches that Frank and I would fuck before pissing all over them.  Do you drink his piss too?...  What do you mean you drink from ‘all of them’?  How many other guys on my payroll use you?...  Just one?  Who?...

“…No way!  My dad’s best friend Clay Richardson?  The man I have known since I was a boy?  That one?  Wow.  And what does he do to you?...  The entire weekend?...  And when you are not tied up in his basement?...  You are a party whore?  Fuck, I haven’t been to a guy’s night out with a party whore in years, and you do it every weekend?  What do you do there?...  Yup, that’s a party whore��s duty, but you are a faggot.  You probably do a lot more. 

“As disgusting as you are, and you are quite disgusting, my dick is rock hard and leaking.  I can see why Frank and Burt were so protective of you.  You going to Clay’s tonight?...  What time is he expecting you there?...  That’s forty-five minutes from now.  You show up like that?...  OK.  What if you are late?...  He’ll whip you?  Well, my cock stands between you arriving on time and you being whipped. 

“Get that mouth open.  I’m in control of this blowjob.  I don’t care if you gag, puke, or pass out; I’m not going to stop.  Breathe when you can. 

“Fuck yeah.  That face was made to be slammed into my crotch.  Your throat is better than any cunt, bitch, or whore I have been with.  The throat slime is so juicy.  Oh man, I will be using this quite frequently.  It’s not going to be long.  Faggot.  Oh fuck.  I’m going to be fucking brutal to you.  So brutal, that you are going to want to quit.  But I ain’t going to let you quit.  The guys won’t let you quit.  You belong here to be on your faggot knees.  I’m going to enjoy smacking you around.

“I’m getting close.  You ready?  Don’t give a shit if you ain’t.  Here it comes.  Here it comes.  Faggot!  Here it cuuuuuummmmms!  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.  Goddamned!... Whew!  I will be using that throat going forward.

“No. No. Don’t pull off.  I need to piss….  Ahhhh!  That feels so good.  So fuckin’ natural.

“Fag, fag, fag.  You really need to get going if you are not going to be late….  What are you doing?  Get back on your fucking knees.  I’m not done with you.  I want to know what it’s like to have a tongue inside my shithole.

“Of course that will make you late for Clay’s party.  In fact, I’m going to take you there directly from here.  And I am going to ensure you are late.  I want to watch him beat you.  I want to see you servicing Frank and Burt.  I’m fucking crashing that party.

Here’s my ass.  I trust you know what to do….  Oh fuck.  Oh Fuck.  Goddamned.  Man alive!  I’m going to set my watch timer.  You have thirty minutes back there.  I expect your tongue to be active all that time.”

[5eraphim]

swinging out the gate with pure filth but i recently stumbled upon a scout voice line that made me cream my pants (tumblr doesn't allow links as anon so i'm putting extra parentheses to make sure it doesn't appear as one (https://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/4/48/Scout_domination20.wav))

anyways it got me heavy thinking about dom scout because i really truly think this boy is a sadistic motherfucker. huge ego and need to be the best, especially growing up the youngest sibling? having someone stupidly fucked out for him blows his mind.

and i KNOW for a FACT he has a daddy kink, too, and wants a real title to hear the power he has in the moment (plus there's another scout voice line that says "come to daddy" so it's essentially confirmed because i said so).

he's still a little bit of a teenage horndog about it, rolling his eyes back and getting a little nervous when you actually do submit, because he was prepared for a fight.

i would almost say he prefers it, wanting the struggle and the power that comes with quelling the flame in you but never fully, trying to push buttons to get you to give him a shove or a nasty remark so he has an excuse to pounce on you like a predator.

"yeah? you like that? gettin' fucked on daddy's dick?" almost really talking to himself when he drills into you as fast as he physically can, positioned in missionary because he wants to see that pretty face (and tits).

he wants to see overstimulation paint your features, you know that. he also wants to see that feisty side of you just so he can tame it. you push his abdomen the best you can, hands really just shoving his shirt that he didn't bother to take off. it's not working, and all he can do is laugh at your pathetic attempt.

you yank the dog tags that dangle in front of your face, sort of wet because of the sweat he's pouring, not due of the physicality but rather that he's so worked up and thrilled that he's heating up. the chain wrings around the back of his neck a little, not necessarily doing the damage you hoped for. in fact, you can see a switch flip and his eyes darken. uh oh.

his hands slam around your neck, having previously been attached to your waist, and squeeze so hard your vision goes fuzzy at the edges and all the blood rushes from your head. "you wanna choke me? how's it feel ta be fuckin' choked, huh? stupid bitch." he's degrading, harsh because he knows he can be. your eyes well u with tears, threatening to spill, and he grins like a wolf. he loves it.

"oh, what, you gonna cry? you gonna cry now?" he spits at you. that's all it takes before the waterworks start, cooling your warm cheeks and letting him know he's won this round.

there's nothing that stops you from cumming on his cock, completely overwhelmed by feeling and so far gone that it doesn't even matter. scout's overjoyed that he's got a pretty girl so fucking stupid for him that she can't even control her body anymore. he gets so high off the feeling that he can't help but bark out every filthy thought and word he has, a reminder that he is conscious enough to talk and you're so braindead you can't form a word.

"aww" he wipes your tears with the pad of his thumb, "don' cry kid, i'm not even bein' that cruel!" he taps his thumb against your lips, scowling when you turn your head to avoid his digit. he grabs your chin to force your eyes on his. "open up and suck my fuckin' thumb or ill replace it with my cock and fuck your face."

im making my mark as 👽 emoji because i will 100% be back to write more

HELL O?? HELLO 👽!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!! MAKING OUT WITH THE SIDE OF YOUR NECK RIGHT NOW AS WE SPEAK

thank you so much for sending me this, a bit blown awayy right now, i must say. top-tier scout characterization, on GOD. He is MEAN. he is literally a one man bully squad- of course he's gonna overdo it act like a total maniac getting nasty with his obsession.

i love this because i love writing Scout as on the more dominant side, but in a almost playfully sadistic kind of way.

[perenlop]

7 and 10 for warrior cats 💜

7. What character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

I don't know if she counts because it's also the later canon that makes me dislike her now, but Ivypool. I'll admit that I'm just not capable of being unbiased about Dovewing, but it's also mostly because the fandom just. Could not praise Ivypool without shoving Dovewing into the ground. Even today, so much Ivypool content is so backhanded to Dovewing and seems so focused on blaming her for all of Ivypool's problems. Dovewing gets characterized as a ditz, an airheaded brat, a mean girl rubbing her problems into Ivypool's face, vain, judgemental, and while that's let up over the years and the Dovewing hate has died down, there's still so many amvs and such that push the idea that Dovewing was a terrible sister and Ivypool has to "give her a piece of her mind", like there are so many amvs where Ivypool just screams at Dovewing for being neglectful and horrible to her and you're meant to look at it like "YEAH!!!! TELL THAT BITCH!!!!!"

and all I can think of is like... Dovewing didn't ask for any of this. Dovewing was a child who was exploited for powers she didn't ask for. Dovewing was mocked and shamed for wanting to be friends with cats from other clans and was pushed to use her powers when they hurt her and was looked down on for being traumatized by the death she was witnessing. Dovewing protested her mentors using her sister as bait for the Dark Forest, she covered for Ivypool so she wouldn't get caught and scorned by her clanmates, she tried to be a comfort to Ivypool where she could. But she snaps one time because her sister antagonizes and mocks her so I guess that means it's totally okay for Ivypool to be controlling and nasty to her well into adulthood and it's actually a super epic girlboss moment when Ivypool beats up her sister's boyfriend for being like "hey can you not treat your sister like shit for two seconds and talk to her, she's really struggling and needs her sister right now".

And it sucks cause I don't want to seem like I hate Ivypool because "ew she should be totally nice to her sister all the time and she should never have been jealous EVER and she should have gotten over it immediately, CONFLICT IS BAD." In another series I would love Ivypool, hell I loved her when I was a kid before AVoS came out. I like characters who are spiteful and not "good" victims and who have complicated relationships with their families and who have trauma from being manipulated and used and are also edgy and have fucked up really badly and hurt other people. But the fandom doesn't see Ivypool that way, not really. To the fandom, Ivypool had her life ruined by her cunt sister who dared to have more attention when they were 12, and also it's said sister's fault she was taken advantage of by demons, so it's awesome and empowering when she screams at her sister (who is also being traumatized) and she has a malewife who materialized after her arc was over so she's actually a hashtag girlboss queen who is always right and can do whatever she wants and her sister should shut the fuck up and take it. It's the framing of it, yknow? Fanon doesn't really want you to see her as being cruel to her sister, they want you to think she's being good and empowering when she does it cause Dovewing Is Worst Girl or whatever.

10. Worst part of fanon

Uhhh... man it's hard to think of stuff at the top of my head. That sounds mean I know but it's true. To continue on my Ivypool tangent, the FernIvy girlboss/malewife epic feminist ship content bugs me. Both cause the ship itself is boring as hell and the reason it's "feminist" is just a throwaway line, and also cause the fandomification of girlboss/malewife ships is just really boring to me and that's only pushed more by the fact that so many people think that those ships are ultra feminist cause "the man does girl things and the woman does boy things!!!" and like... don't really go into them much further than that. Like okay yes it's gnc or whatever but like... do they have actual chemistry? Is there any value to the ship beyond the surface level feminism? (and it IS surface level in FernIvy's case cause the only "feminist" thing Fernsong does is... say he'll be a stay at home dad. something that doesn't actually happen and is just a throwaway line, Ivypool does all the "motherly" things like be a sahm. and I'm sorry but I personally just think it's weird that people are like "THIS MAN IS A FEMINIST!!!!" for... parenting his children. Like he should just... do that. And not expect constant fanfare for it. yknow?) Do the two have actual history you can play off of?

Also pretty much anything involving Crowfeather. That's not exactly the hottest take around but I feel like I'm living in a separate timeline as other people sometimes where they go "omg Crowfeather was actually a super attentive sweet daddy and husband and he was such a nice person and he would be suuuuuch a good father and husband to these other characters (his canon kids and wives dont deserve it cause they're cunts)"

Not QUITE fanon but also the crowd that hates on rewrites that don't sand off all the conflict and make their male blorbos nice and save all the characters that died. Like when Bonefall was getting shit for making characters like Bramblestar or Berrynose worse when like... what he did was play off of their canon flaws and go deeper into them, like giving Bramblestar a bad relationship with his kids or making Berrynose kinda sleazy for immediately going after his ex's sister for an ego boost. That's fine. That doesn't mean he's a hater or whatever and that he despises mean male characters. Conflict is good actually.

[silverpelt3600]

Halo 2x8 Spoilers!

It is time. It took me a WEEK to find the time to watch this goddamn finale.

Y’all know the drill, this is just stream of consciousness as I watch the episode. Whether it’s coherent or not, either way I’m losing my mind likely!

- pre-episode recap editing goes CRAZZYYY

- okay first scene who is he talking to I’m lost already

- the microscope view was so confusing for a second LMAO. Also this Jeanine girl is literally losing it.

- ALRIGHT YEAH SHE KILLED SOMEONE LMAO. Crazy virus thing? Also the happy music is killing me lol.

- Kai and her team yay! KAI AND HER TEAM OH GOD. Casual explosion that fucks it all up.

- “Master Chief, I speak for the entire UNSC when I say how happy I am to see you back with us” THIS BITCH.

- OOOHHH YEAH JOHN YOU HANG UP ON HER

- OOH. THATS NASTY WHAT JUST CRAWLED OUT OF JANINES MOUTH.

- fuck I feel so bad for John. Totally torn, and the admiral’s little comment of “there’s nothing anyone can do for them” is just the cherry on top. She pisses me off so much lol

- “you have no idea what I can do” FUCK YEAHHHHHH. THATS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUTT, YOU KNOW I LOVE THAT SHIT.

- Cortana my beloved really hoping she’s okay

- Lmao Kai “you ever fire a plasma rifle? You never forget your first”

- NOOO PEREZ

- “What the hell is that?” THAT MY BOYYYYYYY YEAHHHHHH

- THE SLOMO WALK I’m crushing so hard

- oh god the people frozen in the hallways is so creepy…

- OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK THATS SO GROSS FUCKIN TUMOR ARM. THE GUARD TOO? Oh for fucks sake this is nasty

- FOR FUCKS SAKE pulling the Halsey card is wild.

- ooh she’s helping him now. AND AGAIN WHO THE HELL IS HE TALKING TO.

- “you wouldn’t understand. She knows me” what if I cried. What if I started sobbing.

- OUR GIRL SHES IN THE SYSTEMS.

- “You don’t know everything” WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING SINCE WHEN COULD HE DO THAT. Is it because of the artifact’s in the ship?

- holy shit he’s on the Halo. And THE MUSIC. AND CORTANA MY BELOVED.

- “so nice to have you back” I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

- “do you think it’s been waiting all that time? For you?” Alright y’all are gonna stress me out there’s too much to comprehend.

- Holy shit Kai’s crazy. “How hard could it be” well YEAH but come on. “This is gonna hurt”. NO SHIT. Jesus Christ I can’t handle this much emotional strain.

- Alright SHITS HITTING THE FAN IN COMMAND. Oop but that solves the Admiral problem!

- EUGHH THERES SO MANY. Hold up. Hold the fuck UP. Kwan is having a moment. The “Cohesion” needs to FUCK OFF.

- oh fuck. OH FUCK HALSEY HAS IT.

- GIRLY WHAT ARE YOU DOING GODDAMNIT. Ohhh. I see now. Goddamnit.

- OOOH SHIT CRAZY DUEL TIME NOW. Damn John getting his shit rocked before GETTING BACK UP LIKE A BADASS. “We’re not done” DAMN RIGHT!

- oh damn now I feel sad for the covenant homie.

- yooo okay cryofeezing Halsey that’s an idea.

- KAI. BABY GIRL OH MY GOD PLEASE BE ALRIGHT.

- “that can’t be good” well yeah if I saw several spires shoot out of mountains I’d be pretty worried too.

- Again talking to this guy? And he apparently also talks to Makee? YOO WHAT THE FUCK ITS A LITTLE ROBOT????? And the crack in his visor! I’m so confused now have those conversations been in a different time or in John’s conscience or what??

- And then the episode ends, and with it so goes my sanity.

Alright y’all, end of the season! One hell of an episode fr. Without a doubt season 2 has been a fantastic season, developing so much of this storyline in a profound way. The finale sets up for a lot to be handled in Season 3, so here’s to hoping they get the green light to make it.

John has absolutely become a favorite character of mine, and this season has only reinforced that. So much of my emotions while watching have been in empathy for John, which makes these episodes land so much harder.

And shoutout everyone who’s stuck around just for these little posts I make. I started making them just for fun but I kept up with it since y’all seemed to like it, which is cool because now I have a little catalogue of what I was thinking during the episodes that I can look at in the future. And FOR THE RECORD I’m not gonna disappear until season 3 comes out. I still need to get caught up on the storyline in the games lol.

Alright that about sums everything up I think.

*bows to an applause while a single spotlight shines on me and flowers are thrown onto the stage.*

[degreeofdisorder]

young royals s3e1 episode reaction:

oh god oh lord

let's go

and his LAWYER? is this about sara reporting him?

oh ludwig speaks

THEYRE BEING SUPPORTIVE???? I fr thought their marriage was a sham lol

PILLS????? KRISTINA??????????

bro wille really is a mini kristina huh.

wait simon's never been to the palace before has he?

a SETTLEMENT??????????

BRO HE POSTED CSAM TO THE INTERNET WDYM A SETTLEMENT

oh. my god burn it to the GROUND LINDA

oh? oh my god? what the fuck???

"piss person" well you little bitch baby that is Indeed what you are so

ugh

Linda is so right but so is Simon

I really hope this isn't how it's solved tho I wanna see August burning

"I just want it to be over" oh my baby boy oh my son

what's this hi hi what is this heartstopper

CAN Y'ALL KISS??? IVE WAITED LIKE A YEAR AND A HALF?

"cozy" oh kflfjdlfjdlgkdlgkdlgkdl little shit

(ps if I didn't rewatch yesterday I fully wouldn't have caught that throwback)

when Simon touched the curtain I knew kslfjdlfjdlfjdlfj

THEYRE SUCH PRETTY KISSERS IM GONNA RIP MY LEGS OFF

IS THIS HOW YOU IMAGINED IT

THIS IS BETTER

BROOOOOOOOOOO IM GONNA SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FOOT

omfg they're SO CUTE I'M LOSING MY MIND

oh OH oh they're GOING at it

oh come ON

well that was precious as all hell

and now they're going back inside as if they weren't dry humping in wille's room 3 minutes ago. kings.

I want to smash rickard's face against a fire pit

simon: oh fuck. wille: oh yea you're lucky I didn't shoot you piece of shit

I'm losing my mind at linda being extremely surprised while kristina's like "sighs yeah. fucking figures. erik would never"

also losing my mind at wille's face lil bro is like AND I WILL DO IT AGAIN BAP BAP BAP

[maddie voice] FUCK YOU AUGUST

oh now linda's all disappointed. ok. be a better mom then.

i will literally rip August's face off idc

KRISTINA??????????

KRISTINA

omg felice

oh baby girl no

BUT SARA WAS A SNAKE

I want to give felice so many hugs my bbg

oh my god farima what the fuck sjgldjfkdjfldkf

WHAT THE FUCK

oh my god she really said "ok you're super gay now, wonderful, how can we use this to our advantage"

WELL ASK THEM?? YOU'RE THE LITERAL MOTHER IN THIS SCENARIO. ACT LIKE ONE.

linda has been pissing me tf off since last season idc

omg someone snitched on hillerska

OH

OHHHHHH

OH THEY KISSED IN PUBLIC

OH MY GOD

OH THEYRE GOING ALL OUT

hey now hey now this is what dreams are made of etc etc

BOTH THE CROWN PRINCE AND YOUR BOYFRIEND

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA

B O Y F R I E N D

let's fuckin GOOOOO ENDGAME BITCHES

if simon sneaks out it's gonna bite them in the ass tho lmao

"sleep with a freshman" August did that twice lmao gross

OH THEY KNEW

OH MY GOD HE'S DOWN BAD

vincent is such an asshole barfs

DONT TALK ABOUT HER LIKE THAT AWAJFLSJFKSJFSKJ

fine. I'm coming out. i am a big august/sara enjoyer.

not the tiny heart that's so fucking cute

he can't get tattoos?? that's such bullshit. get a tramp stamp wille it's what you deserve

not felice unloading on wille and simon HDKFJDKGJ babygirl I love you and you need a therapist bc that's so inappropriate

"how do you get over your best friend" felice baby im gonna send you a google doc called the lesbian masterpost hang on

yeah of course that piece of shit nasty asshole talked to the press lmfao

"ex" y'all kissed like twice, [clare from derry girls voice] look at the state of ya

actually? can rosh and ayub talk to him? with their fists? and a knife preferably?

you know, I actually kinda like nils. he's so fucked up but you can see he genuinely cares abt wille. in his own lil fucked up extremely upper class way.

SARA

SARA NOOOOOOOOOOOO

oh lmfao that's literally how my dad's house looks like when I show up haha sad

omg are they gonna initiate her again

OMG

OMG BABY GIRLS

BRO THEYRE GONNA CLEAN HER ROOM AND TAKE HER TO NEW YORK

TEEN GIRLS BRO

oh wille seems so cozy. wonder what's going to go down now.

oh did they write an article abt simon

oh

oh it was not about simon

oh sweet baby jesus

I mean. it was totally alexander wasn't it lmfao

but also like....... I love that they're blowing that shit up. blow that school up.

ALL CLASSES?????

aw they're sitting together. boyfriends.

"did that happen to you" how is wille more worried abt the gay porn one and not ALL THE OTHER SHIT THEY DID TO HIM

oh I like her she reminds me of the lady from the incredibles

ohhhh

NOT THE PHONES TOO?

get over yourself vincent. fuck you vincent.

oh they're gonna close this shit

aaaaaaaaaaaaaa

fuck okay wonderful

[diseaseriddencube]

braindumping about the hayase clan (even though I should really reread/rewatch the series before trying to analyze any of these guys bc it's been a while)

hayase: I'm kinda ambivalent towards her, she was kinda just the nasty iphone bitch when she showed up at first, but also just serving her role for yanome to control the villages or whatever. I never would've thought to interpret her reaction to Fushi as love or a new obsession, so that came out as a total plot twist to me later on, feels like a whole different character tbh, at first it just feels like she's doing her job.

so she shows up again, arguably cooler looking. and you know what, I love a good yandere, she's kinda badass and terrifically creepy, though her motives still just don't make much sense given her introduction in the series. does she love Fushi? does she just want to control and own him? does she want his children (<- the real answer right here)

most people hate her solely for the rape scene, and they are totally valid for that, unfortunately I am a freak and that kinda just makes me like her more— UH so she's kinda based for offering to let Fushi kill her so much, I respect her willingness to die in order to be 'immortal' even if only in her aspect rather than fye.

the fact that she fucked another man at the end, totally cheating on her waifu Fushi, just to have kids and make the rest of this series hayase hell is not something I can respect smh

she's a greasy haired menace to this franchise and I respect her commitment

hisame: idk lol she showed up for two episodes idc about her. goodbye stinky indoctrinated cult child 😍

kahaku: I was actually thinking of rereading while making a kahaku analysis essay but never got around to it... so we're going off memory here, though he is a character that needs precise introspection. I don't really like him at all tbh, I try to understand him, but I don't really like him for the most part. his backstory is simple and good, a boy in a line of what's supposed to be women, compelling. he has his funny moments, he's truly devoted to helping Fushi and not being weird about him (until he gets weird about him)

I think what makes me dislike him is his insistence that Fushi is a woman so that he can be straight and love Fushi only under those conditions, it's a very annoying way for an Unconditional Love character to act. it's low-key kinda gross like "she[Fushi] just hasn't opened up to her own femininity yet" like bro???? Fushi can be whatever they want, it almost sounds transphobic if it weren't for context 😭 the insistence on she/her regardless of whatever form he's in, and his own admission that he 'feels more like a boy I guess' is just kinda hhhnnnmmnmgghhg yeah

and remember how he promised not to be weird... yeah well that proposal scene went downhill so fast ;_; it almost feels out of character, and I guess we're supposed to blame it on the Hayase Insanity Gene kicking in? but it just ends up feeling like he was a liar this whole time and wasn't as respectful as he seemed. he acts well afterwards, but still,, yikes dude.

I appreciate his care for Fushi's mental well-being when nobody else does. I appreciate how hard he fought in the war, and it was really unfair of Kai to keep him locked up. that ending scene is really interesting, because he is Very Okay with killing his comrades and then just insulting them (look at messar's haunted face how could you say that to him) and I guess we'll never know if it was him or Lefty that attacked the immortals in the kitchen. he sounds like he's lying and making excuses to justify it, ough Fushi it was my left hand it wasn't me I would never (he would)

I don't blame him for ripping Fushi to shreds there (because it was definitely Lefty) though he was a little creepy about it two seconds before, like damn boy you look like you're about to commit a hayase rape scene when Fushi is vulnerable-

his suicide is pretty noble and I'd love it if it was an act of ending his bloodline... if it weren't for the fact that his bloodline comes back 💀

mizuha: ah mizuha, I don't know what to think about her at all. I suppose she needs a heavy analysis too. her introduction chapter was incredibly strong, I too, struggle with a heavy need for absolute perfection and a wish for death, so I instantly figured I'd like her. but she kinda just spirals downhill after that....

I'd like to take a moment to applaud the Hayase clan, one centered around having straight sex with a guy to get preggers, has so many gay descendants. mizuha x hanna literally being canon is ✨✨

mizuha is kind of a slow burn into madness, which makes her better than hayase becoming a yandere out of nowhere. like she already starts off with Issues, and doesn't seem like the happiest or most stable person that you could trust. but she's also a more normal modern girl with her own relationships outside of Fushi, she's more compelling that way.

her murdering her mother and not remembering it, yet being so weirdly casual about it and showing hints of the Hayase Insanity Gene when Fushi shows up, it's interesting stuff

when they're hiding out, the way she just demands all these modern amenities from him just makes it seem like she's lived a very privileged life, and she probably has.

I like that she wasn't instantly in love with him upon meeting either, she has her own love interest, but Lefty influences and controls her and has its own directive.

side note but I really really love the nokkers' shift into becoming parasites that control the bodies of depressed people so that they only feel their happiest moments... or in Mimori's case just suicide them for them 😍 can I get a nokker please-?

okay I kinda forgot everything that happened in between so I need to reread. but she slowly gets more influenced by her nokker and the rest of the nokker cult basically. she's a damaged teenage girl, being influenced and controlled by something with a millennia long goal that's beyond her.

the section where she's kept underground is pretty interesting. is it the nokker? or does she not care about herself anymore, she seems to have given in to their goals. I need to reread this in particular so I'll stop talking-

I recall she left on her own at the end, which was very mature of her. good riddance to mizuha :)

I think something a lot of people miss when analyzing or talking about her is her speech bubbles. I'm sure the anime will not do anything with that, and it'll become entirely ignored by the fandom. but if you're reading the manga, in Japanese or in English, look carefully whenever she's speaking. her font changes when it's her or the nokker speaking.. this is something that's incredibly important to check when you're analyzing her behavior vs what she doesn't remember/what the nokker says and does

izumi: can't talk about Mizuha without mentioning her mother, she is honestly one of my favorite descendants, simply because she's trying to break the line and get out of the cult. she's level headed, she's a good woman. even her bad mother behavior of the way she treats mizuha, is often just her forgetting due to the nokker's control over her, her obsessive picture taking especially

doro: I've seen her for one chapter and I would do anything for her, best hayase descendant by far she is a little lab coat science girl and she is so sweet and I love her I love her so bad there better be so much doro content in my future, my beautiful mud girl 🥺🥺🥺

Lefty: does left hand count as a hayase member? probably yeah. there isn't a lot of personality to it, but it's interesting that it's just some random nokker that borrowed into some insane person's arm and decided their goals aligned. so it fights against other nokkers, but can also be willing to betray its host if needed. it learned to write and speak and mimic because it was asked to do so. it wants Fushi carnally, it wants Fushi to dominate it hdhgggsfjjdd why did it say that 😭 (yes it was the font thing with mizuha again, the nokker wanted Fushi to dominate her so bad)

I'm sure someone else could do a much better analysis of Lefty than I could, I never paid much attention to it...

anyways I should finish my rewatch of s1 that I've neglected for a while now (watching it in German 😍 and then watching s2 subbed because I hate Bon's German voice)

[canceramorem]

So I would have good memories and absolutely horrible memories . One of them was a time when me and Gary were down the river and Marie was there. Jimmy came he's a friend of ours he makes jewelry and he's homeless and a nice guy. He's missing most of his teeth and he's just you know hygienically speaking , he is pretty nasty. He's also mentally ill something wrong with him upstairs but he's nice guy. So Gary had to move his stuff up from the river up to the to the mountain top, we did it we all carried one load up there and then we got up there and Jimmy bought some dope from Gary . Earlier I had noticed that Jimmy had been giving her the eyes and you know she's flirting whatever I didn't think much of it but Jimmy was grabbing to grab where her ass was supposed to be at but my leg was there and he rubbed my leg by accident saying oops. I didn't think much of it I didn't think that she would go for someone like Jimmy just didn't think but she just flirting she's nice. So we get to the mountaintop and Jimmy buys some stuff and she's begging him for a hit and whatever which I would have gave her some once we're done moving this stuff up there , she couldn't wait. So Jimmy and her are smoking on the foil the boat and Gerald and I go down to get the last load and it takes a little bit longer than usual. And when we come back she is in the in my tent, our tent with Jimmy. So, 5 minutes and they're not in the tent fucking they're making out in there and I unzip the tent and I'm like what the fuck! You know what her answer was? Her answer was , he was showing me jewelry and she was actually mad at me mad at me while she was doing that. Yeah she's give me dirty looks and just being a bitch at me for what she did in front of me like totally shattered my heart. I just couldn't believe that she would actually do that with one of my friends , yeah and she'll deny it up and down and say it didn't happen , but it did and I remember and I know she remembers. And that's what makes J Pizzle a fun dummy because he's probably should have just stopped there and been like you know what I don't need that but instead and because of the curse , the love curse he continued to love her maybe even more so I don't know but he did love her and does love her- Fucking crash test dummy! The funny thing is had she just helped us with they didn't either one of them help us with the last load they wanted to be alone up there and had she helped us and he helped us I would have gave them bunch of shit ,A bunch of dope. This is just one example. She thinks it's normal to do this type of thing, it is not, and so he pushed past this and continued to love , but the pain from it lingers and continues to linger even to this day. Because if she did that when he was with her in the same town , then what would she do if they were separated , and living in different states, but still " together".

Fucking CRASH TEST DUMMY- JEY PIZZLE

August came and the light at the end of the summer was that the one true love of my life actually did have a heart,and really, (I think or thought), loved me tremendously. So tremendously in fact, that she was willing to risk some things for me. Like risk her place to stay, , "image " of little miss - I don't do wrong, and food. Her food source. As in she can eat whenever she wants. What's her reward for such risks?

Her reward would be me, my love and the fact that I would , could , and did, make the medicine that she loved to do, it helped her. It is a medicine. She invented the ' medicine' nickname. Everyone else calls it , ' Go' , ' Clear' , or the dreaded ' M' word- Methamphetamine. So , after she somehow got in touch with me, I think it was email. We did what we always did after any length of time apart from each other - we face timed, and talked on the phone for hours, and not a couple, I'm talking 8 hour talks, we never ever had that awkward silence like most couples have . NOPE , trust me, the awkward silence has never existed in our 'magical' relationship. Her and I can talk, and not stop, for days . even when we get tired, we leave the phones on, so we are like , ' there ' with each other.

I had a little practice when it came to her asking for me to come to her. Remember, in Asheville, not only did I surpass amazing odds ( getting out of jail on p.r.), get to Fayetteville the next day. With no phone, no jacket( fucking freezing in January), and no money. And get this- with about 100$ worth of Valentines Candy -just for my one true love. Well that was baby steps. This time she was somewhere else. Somewhere I had sworn to myself I would never go to. Fucking north of Virginia, all the way to fucking New York, Nasty Fucking Syracuse to be exact. I must be stupid or just crazy in love...

[baekhvuns]

Tottenham calm the fuck down challenge! Arsenal and Man City... I'm convinced you cursed them 😭 they've been doing well for a long time. You don't want me to be happy! 💔I can't even watch any matches noooooo. I saw some clips from PSG and Bayern, Bayern is really that bitch!

Oh absolutely, people can hold back racist remarks as long as the player is doing well. Like what German, Arsenal and even Real fans did to Özil... nasty

Liverpool, really? I don't actually know many Liverpool fans especially in London. 🧐 I quite like Liverpool but wouldn't say I'm a big fan. Man Utd I agree, they're big, but most people still support at least one London-based club, like my friend who is a big United fan, but also started supporting Arsenal once he moved to London. ❤ Actually, this is the new Madrid coach <3 and I'm his assistant

What was going through my head the first time I met Hwa... first of all "keep the eye contact" second of all "I hope my hand isn't too sweaty" third of all "what a beautiful man" ksjsbsnsjshahsjsjs. But how did this person survive??? A few people I know saw him there too...

Even though I hate SM and a lot of their recent music and decisions, Hybe is so evil for trying to monopolise shit, first Vlive, now this?! I really hope to catch a sight of Kai, maybe Baek or Shinee 😭 we'll see how it goes.

Heechul had a bingo card and made sure not to miss anyone, he pissed everyone on every political spectrum, kinda a talent ngl

I didn't get that close to Tamino and had to leave immediately afterwards, but my friend saw him in an art gallery and took photos ❤ Seonghwa cover Tamino challenge, come on Maddox introduce him 🤲🏻 also he's coming to Canada, sadly no Vancouver :(

Yes the choice of songs for Rihanna's performance was really good, I command her for doing it while pregnant, though I think I expected something else. I saw a tweet that said "ASAP Rocky's wife Rihanna did so well during Super Bowl" HUH?! I didn't even know much about him until he collabed with Lana(?) don't say shit like that. Rihanna live was fine, but I think my expectations were higher, she's pretty charismatic, but idk something felt a bit off??? The tickets were really expensive and the concert didn't leave me 100% satisfied, but I like her music, she's a hit maker so I think it makes up to it

Once in a while people start questioning some fans and their minions come to their defence. Ofc some accusations are baseless, and I'm not gonna call everyone a stalker, but obsessed weirdo? Yeah ksjsjsjsjsahjaja. Aaaaanf I need to say this: fuck Berlin! They got Hwa at the pop up store, chased Jongho and camped outside their hotel. Also my "friend" saw them in Berlin twice and 4 times in total and I'm not having it. 🤡 I ignored all their messages lol (not just because they saw Atz, I'm just sick of them in general)

And why am I seeing videos from the same people over and over again, sigh. Whenever I see some of their watermarks I 🔫🔫🔫 those crazy Korean stans especially

Bestie last night I ate so much kimbap, tteokbokki and dumplings I almost exploded and watched YOU until 6am. 💀 then I had to leave before 11am. Buuuut I took photos with Hwa in the Valenteez booth! (We looked cute ngl)

I'm sorry, mushroom head Hwa is really a challenge for me, he's lucky I love him enough, but 🙃 Yeosang's hair though 💞💞💞

Girlie is truly fearless

Bodyguard and bodyguard at the club celebrating over 4 thousands notes

Koreans love their endo... I- anyway let him eat his noodles!!! So fucking cute stop AND FOR WHAT 😳

And rip to marsverse, I'm so sad, I didn't care for Vlive, but Universe come back! I read Hwa's farewell messages, he's so dramatic and lovely 😭💞 what are we gonna do without it :((((

Pauseeeee what JP comeback lmao what did I miss, anyways fencing? And when I tell you I did a little bit of fencing as a child... I'm not ready for fencer Hwa. Real and then he says this and we're supposed to be normal??? - DV 💖

hello!!!

Tottenham calm the fuck down challenge! Arsenal and Man City... I'm convinced you cursed them 😭 they've been doing well for a long time. You don't want me to be happy! 💔I can't even watch any matches noooooo. I saw some clips from PSG and Bayern, Bayern is really that bitch! /// Oh absolutely, people can hold back racist remarks as long as the player is doing well. Like what German, Arsenal and even Real fans did to Özil... nasty

london is what ☺️☺️☺️ what? i didn’t hear it! COME ON DID U REALLY THINK ARSENAL WOULD WIN THE PL?? WHENS THE LAST TIME THEY WON 🤨 2003/2004! PEP CAME THROUGHHH tho im upset at him bc he keeps benching alvaraz THE wc winner and refuses to get him on, maybe that’ll be the downfall🔫 LMFAOOO COME ON ARSENAL PLAYED SHIT AND U KNOW IT TOO,, no bc psg’s tactics are so shit 😭😭 bayern really came through even without lewandowski </3 yEAAAH not the media making a huge deal about eating hamburgers psg “ultra”fans jumping a bayern fan 😭😭 NOOOO THAT ÖZIL THING THAT, TO THIS DAY, UPSETS ME SO MUCH, WHAT A PLAYER!! THE WAY HE GETTING DISRESPECTED 🔫🔫 bro CARRIED ronaldo

speaking of spurs, kane is on bayern’s list for transfers, so at least he’ll retire with SOME trophies 😭😭

Liverpool, really? I don't actually know many Liverpool fans especially in London. 🧐 I quite like Liverpool but wouldn't say I'm a big fan. Man Utd I agree, they're big, but most people still support at least one London-based club, like my friend who is a big United fan, but also started supporting Arsenal once he moved to London. ❤ Actually, this is the new Madrid coach <3 and I'm his assistant

NOO BC THERE ARE SO MANY 🔫🔫 a lot my family over there are their “secret” fans + some aston villa ones, def arsenal too but they know they can’t win 😭😭 liverpool fell off,, van dijk salah fabinho carry it,, nunez is….I THINK U ALREADY KNOW DBDB i used to be very big man utd fan esp during ronaldo era but then man cITYYYY LMFAOOO 😭😭😭 if he’s the new rm coach, u best believe im his no7 🔫

What was going through my head the first time I met Hwa... first of all "keep the eye contact" second of all "I hope my hand isn't too sweaty" third of all "what a beautiful man" ksjsbsnsjshahsjsjs. But how did this person survive??? A few people I know saw him there too...

NOOO BC THE HAND SWEATY ONE ID BE TERRIFIED TO SHAKE HANDS, this video is the closest we can get to pretending he’s a ambassador for a brand and is meeting w the celebs back stage 🫡 that fan is stronger than the navy, id be passing out,, speaking of fans…

Even though I hate SM and a lot of their recent music and decisions, Hybe is so evil for trying to monopolise shit, first Vlive, now this?! I really hope to catch a sight of Kai, maybe Baek or Shinee 😭 we'll see how it goes. /// Heechul had a bingo card and made sure not to miss anyone, he pissed everyone on every political spectrum, kinda a talent ngl

omg aren’t they trying to merge bbl and weverse now apparently??? 😭😭😭 THIS IS ABSOLUTE BS 😭😭 i feel like it’s going to influence sm’s music but maybe give them all more promos,,, chris lee keeps digging his fucking grave even more it’s ridiculous,,, kai my lord and saviour pls save sm,,, not aespa mocking him too,, his downfall began when he posted about lookas wAIT do u realize this happened all after that picture 😭😭

😭😭😭

yeaah heechul 📉📉📉 LMFAOOO UR RIGHT A TALENT not him saying trained were told to speak about him when they debut 😭😭

I didn't get that close to Tamino and had to leave immediately afterwards, but my friend saw him in an art gallery and took photos ❤ Seonghwa cover Tamino challenge, come on Maddox introduce him 🤲🏻 also he's coming to Canada, sadly no Vancouver :(

AWWWW,, i keep watching his interviews and he’s so soft spoken, so intellectual! and finding him at an art gallery??? man written by a women actually <3 SEONGHWA X TAMINO WHEN WHYS HE GOING TO THAT RACIST TOWN 😭😭😭😭😭😭 FUCK OFF WHO WHEN GOES THERE FOR CONCERTS WHAT THE HELL 😭😭😭🔫

Yes the choice of songs for Rihanna's performance was really good, I command her for doing it while pregnant, though I think I expected something else. I saw a tweet that said "ASAP Rocky's wife Rihanna did so well during Super Bowl" HUH?! I didn't even know much about him until he collabed with Lana(?) don't say shit like that. Rihanna live was fine, but I think my expectations were higher, she's pretty charismatic, but idk something felt a bit off??? The tickets were really expensive and the concert didn't leave me 100% satisfied, but I like her music, she's a hit maker so I think it makes up to it

i really wish she performed pon de replay too wouldve been the cherry on top, but diamonds ending was 🤌🏻🤌🏻 with the flashlights and everything! FBSKDJ NO BC ASAPS ACTUALLY REALLY COOL not more than miss riri, praise the lord by him is actually fire <3 he’s rihanna’s husband not the other way around 🫡,,, huhhhhhh ive seen a few of her concert videos i think she has more fun to the music and doesn’t tend to follow the dance fbfbjc wait are her tickets beyonce expensive??? 😭😭😭😭 i got NO CHANCE TO SEE HER NOW COMEON 😭😭😭 SHE NEEDS TO GET PREGNANT WITH AN ALBUM

Once in a while people start questioning some fans and their minions come to their defence. Ofc some accusations are baseless, and I'm not gonna call everyone a stalker, but obsessed weirdo? Yeah ksjsjsjsjsahjaja. Aaaaanf I need to say this: fuck Berlin! They got Hwa at the pop up store, chased Jongho and camped outside their hotel. Also my "friend" saw them in Berlin twice and 4 times in total and I'm not having it. 🤡 I ignored all their messages lol (not just because they saw Atz, I'm just sick of them in general)

no yeah the way everyone kept coming to the defence and the fansite kind of emotionally manipulated their way around was talent <3 and jongho got CHASED 😭😭😭 4 TIMES??? oh anon u already know they saw them ‘accidentally’ KDBWKDBSKCKCK SICK OF THEM JFBSNDBDKC ✨BLOCKÉ ✨

And why am I seeing videos from the same people over and over again, sigh. Whenever I see some of their watermarks I 🔫🔫🔫 those crazy Korean stans especially

Bestie last night I ate so much kimbap, tteokbokki and dumplings I almost exploded and watched YOU until 6am. 💀 then I had to leave before 11am. Buuuut I took photos with Hwa in the Valenteez booth! (We looked cute ngl)

HOW WERE THEYYYYYY!!!!! omg did eat the tteokbokki with the soju combo, did it have spice bc why does some korean food not have it 😭😭😭 OH U WATCHED YOU?? the new season? is it any good? heard it got a little dumb 😭😭 AAAAA DID U GUYS GET THE PC’S AND ALL??? hope u have lots of fun!! be safe during the clubing 🔫

I'm sorry, mushroom head Hwa is really a challenge for me, he's lucky I love him enough, but 🙃 Yeosang's hair though 💞💞💞 /// Girlie is truly fearless /// Bodyguard and bodyguard at the club celebrating over 4 thousands notes

LMFAOOO HEY 😭😭😭 ITS CUTE 😭😭

omg yeosang is becoming so fine with that long hair and the glasses pairing 🤌🏻🤌🏻 it is very vampire core

SHE REALLY IS FEARLESS THE WAY I GASPED WHEN I READ WHAT SHE SAID JCBSMDHDKC she a mbappe fan it seems i can change u yunjin look me in the eye, speaking of mbappe he just,, wouldn’t hurt to be a lil nice

PLS FBWMDJWK STOP IT THE BLACK HAIRED TRIGGERS SOMETHING TO ME 😭😭😭 ESP WITH THIS

Koreans love their endo... I- anyway let him eat his noodles!!! So fucking cute stop AND FOR WHAT 😳 /// And rip to marsverse, I'm so sad, I didn't care for Vlive, but Universe come back! I read Hwa's farewell messages, he's so dramatic and lovely 😭💞 what are we gonna do without it :((((

WHATS UP WITH THEM AND ENDOSCOPIES 😭😭😭😭 universe going down, then possibly mf going bbl, bbl and weverse trying to merge,,, we’re never getting SHIT 😭😭 atp they’re going to the youtube community section atp 😭😭

Pauseeeee what JP comeback lmao what did I miss, anyways fencing? And when I tell you I did a little bit of fencing as a child... I'm not ready for fencer Hwa. Real and then he says this and we're supposed to be normal??? - DV 💖

TUMBLR ERASED THIS PART

EGWKGFE ANON U DID FENCING??????? 1. UR RICH, 2. HOW MANY SPORTS DID U PLAY ATP I LEARN NEW THINGS ABT U DAILY😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 WHAT HAVE U NOT PLAYED,, no bc hwa in that blond and all black, giving very rich kid at those rich private academies core

IM SCREAMING DHGFLHQDGF

nowww..

???????? ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING??/ AYOO?

[thekeatoncadet]

Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean ya ain’t nasty :/

[mochiswifey]

Fucking finally!!! I FINALLY SAW SOMEONE WHO WRITES FOR MOCHI😭

No words can describe how much I love how you write Mochi!!! MWAH!!!💗💗

Btw can I request a Mochi x reader one shot? Like...Reader is this rude girl who has no control over her mouth and words and she thinks she's only "BEING HONEST" and she is also a Haitani.

How would their interaction go? Am having Mochi brainrot... Help meeee 😭💗

SHEEZ!!! WELCOME TO THE MOCHI SIMP CLUB 🍡

HAITANI Y/N X MOCHI

Y/N Haitani has been causing trouble around Shibuya more than her brother’s had when they were younger. The only thing keeping her out of prison is of course…. Her brother’s connection.

“Bruh. I don’t wanna sit in this goddamn meeting surrounded with….” She trails off as she looked at the other Bonten members.

“Old fucks.”

The Bonten members were offended. Well, the word "offended" is an underestament. They were fucking pissed. They hated that she's in the meeting room with them because Ran and Rin has to keep her close. They were sending glares to her and her older brothers but as expected they were grinning like fools amused and proud of their little sister.

No one really caught her attention. Not Mikey, Not Sanzu. Not the money maker Koko. Not even Kakucho who's the sweetest of them all nor the ultimate DILF Takeomi Akashi except for the man who everyone always forget.

Kanji Mochizuki.

He was quiet, and didn't payed much attention to her nasty insults. And she hated it. So, she did what she has always done the best. Pester him.

It started with simple intense staring. Which concerned her brothers.

"He's fucking 10 years older than you." Ran whispered to her. "Yeah, and Takeomi is 17 years older than me so.... your choice."

Kanji got uncomfortable and did his best to keep his eyes away from her. But it's so goddamn hard to resist her beauty. Being a Haitani is a curse he told himself.

Because, being a Haitani meant being crazily gorgeous and insane.

The second phase was her throwing random insult to get some kind of reaction from Kanji.

"Hey... you're Kanji-San right?"

"Yes?"

"You sounded so unsure but why are your eyebrows like that?

Kanji couldn't answer her. It was his natural eyebrow and for godsake he's done with everyone asking him why his eyebrows are like mantis.

"And why the hell do you have the mcdonald hairline?"

"Why do you dress like an old 70's wifeless yakuza?"

Kanji was annoyed and pissed. He tries to leave the meeting room as soon as possible but she just couldn't get enough of him. She ends up following him until he's out of the building.

She even got in his car one time and demanded him to drive her to Wendy's which has only one store in the whole Tokyo. Kanji fucking wanted to throw her ass because of that. But the older man hesitantly complied and took her. It was a bad move because she also demanded him to pay for her meal and wait for her until she finished.

Kanji watched her with pure irritation and she liked it. The only thing that Kanji got from her was a quick peck on the cheek which made his ass blush like a tomato. She liked the way he responded to her naughty acts.

Slowly it became their routine. Kanji really did think she's a fucking bitch and she really did think that Kanji has bad eyebrows. But the two form a speechless bond with each other. They really didn't know where they were heading so Kanji took the step and snapped.

"Why the hell are you always following me?" He suddenly stopped making her bump to him.

"OUCH!"

"It's your fault for-" Kanji started panicking when tears fell to the floor.

She's fucking crying?! He thought as he lifted her from the ground and carried her to the breakroom.

"Look, I'm sorry-" He felt bad for making her cry but it all faded after he sat her down. He was just apologizing when she started laughing like a maniac.

"YOU TOTALLY FELL FOR IT!"

"I'm so fucking done with you." Kanji turned around ready to leave her but she grabbed his hand making his heart jump.

"Don't leave me. I think I kinda like you."

"You think?"

Biting her lip she pulled him down with all her might making him kneel in front of her. His eyes landed on her plump lips and his body relaxed as her hands wrapped around his neck.

"You like me don't you? Because if you didn't you wouldn't let me follow you all these times. So why don't you be a good boy and give me a kiss?"

"You're gonna fucking regret that when you're screaming my name in bed." A smirk appeared on his face as he smashed his lips into hers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kanji and her has a cat and mouse relationship. Neither of them wants to admit it but they're totally head over heels for each other.

Ran and Rin became Kanji's worst hater. They'd be pranking him and giving him threats all day. The most creative and annoying thing they've ever done to him is having Ran dressed as Y/N, wear a wig and stood in Kanji's office.

He thought he was hugging Y/N until Ran turned around scaring the leaving shit out of him. They did that to just purely scare him nothing more. Kanji quickly realize where his girl got her love for pranks.

Kanji and Y/N has daily conversation of

"What's the difference between margarine and butter?"

or

"If you're running last your first just at the opposite end."

Overall they're imperfectly perfect for each other.

[vendettaparker]

What a Dumbass [P.P]

Summary: Peter’s mistake leads to you being injured. 

Pairing: Peter Parker x Avenger!Reader

Word Count: 2.1K

Warnings: Swearing, like a substantial amount, suggestive content kinda, gun shot wound, and flustered!Peter 

a/n: I really liked writing this. I couldn’t stop laughing at some of the dialogue. and the mistake peter made to cause the whole set-up of the story is so funny to me. like i can legit see him making this mistake. also, i’m gonna make a permanent tag list, so please send me an ask or message me if you want to be on it! <3

        ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

     Peter Benjamin Parker is a fucking dumbass. All the time mostly. Most of the time his dumbassery leads to a lot of annoyed avengers, a lot of clean up, and a lot of spilled secrets. Hence why like three people who definitely shouldn’t know he is Spider-man do. But every once in while his idiocy can lead to an unexpected happily ever after, at least until he fucks something up again. 

     This particular fuck up has yet to be determined as a happy accident or your new 13th reason. It all started when that spider bitch decided it’d be a good idea to watch some explicit content on his laptop. Now, this wasn’t particularly an unknown activity for him to partake in, since we all know about his little impromptu purchase in Germany, but unbeknownst to this dork, his aunt was in the next room over working on a tear in his suit. And to make matters worse, he accidentally just so happened to purchase a subscription using said aunt’s credit card that was pre-setup in his laptop. 

     Now May is a very understanding woman. Very sex-positive, very loving, and inclusive; the whole shebang really. So when she happened to catch this idiot doing what he most certainly shouldn’t have been doing, she wasn’t mad, just thoroughly disturbed. Then she got the notification about the purchase. That was a bit more taboo in her eyes. So Peter was grounded from patrolling for a week and his laptop privileges were revoked for two weeks. That was fucking merciful compared to what this whole fuck up put you through. 

     At the school that following Monday, Peter spent the whole first, second, fourth, and lunch period trying to convince you to take over patrol for a week. Sure, you could definitely handle it, not to pat yourself on the back or anything, but you were significantly stronger than Peter, so it shouldn’t have been that big of a deal. But you just really didn’t want to. Peter had his ‘Peter Tingle’ to help him find danger, while you’d actually have to look. It just seemed harder for you to do than it would be for him. 

     “Why are you even grounded?” You sighed after Peter's 3rd time bringing up the possibility of you patrolling for him at lunch. 

     “He got caught watching and buying p—” Ned started laughing.

     “Ned! Shut up!” Peter yelled, slapping his hand over his friend's mouth. 

     “How has your identity not been leaked yet, Jesus Christ.” You mumbled, giggling. You flipped through your chemistry textbook, writing notes to prepare for Friday’s quiz. 

     “Yeah, and how come you didn’t know May was home?” Ned pushed Peter’s hand away. “Where was your ‘Peter Tingle’ then?” 

     “She’s not a threat, dude. But shit, I really wish my tingle detected her.” Peter groaned, a deep blush covering his features. “Please (Y/N). I really, really don’t wanna leave Queens without any protection for a week. I’ll try to convince May to let me go out on the weekend, so really it’s only five days.” 

     “I guess I could help you out, but you owe me. I should really spend this time studying for my chemistry test. Iron bitch is gonna have my head on a spike if I fail another chem test.” You said, highlighting more notes. 

     “Okay! Delmar’s for a week, anytime, anywhere.” Peter said putting his hand out for you to shake. 

     “Make it a month, I know my worth.” 

     Peter hesitated, but eventually gave in, “Fine, but you better do a good job.” 

        ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

     So now you were stuck patrolling from 8:30 to 11:00 every night. It wasn't bad per se, and nothing too eventful happened. You stopped a small convenience store robbery, gave a few kids some tips at the skatepark, ran some errands for an old lady, and saved a cat from a tree. Thursday night was the real kicker though. Your night had barely started and you accidentally got in the middle of a drug deal between some smaller mob and a real messed-up junkie. This should’ve been an easy takedown, only six people in total that needed to be taken out, but like was mentioned before, you don’t have Peter’s goddamn, stupid fucking tingle. So after taking all six of the perps out you started to walk away after alerting the police. Unfortunately, one of those assclowns had come to, and grabbed the gun a few feet away from him and shot it towards you. The bullet went through your thigh and out the other side. Screaming in shock and pain, you used your own throwing knives and knocked the gun out of the mobster’s hand, then you proceeded to knock him out again with a few good punches to his noggin, maybe a few more, just for good measure. But this wound would need to be cleaned and stitched up. And if you went back to the Tower, Steve and Tony would give you an earful about “watching your surroundings” and “being more careful”. So in a moment of pure adrenaline and desperation, you texted Peter. 

You: are you home

Spider-Dork: Yeah, why?

You: i’ll be there in 5 

Spider-Dork: What? Why? Is everything ok?

Spider-Dork: Hello??? (Y/N)????

(Y/N) declined (3) calls 

Spider-Dork: Answer my calls idiot. 

     Peter’s texting and constant calling was cut short from a crash in his room. 

     “(Y/N)? Is that you?” Peter called from the couch in the living room. 

     “Yeah, can I borrow a t-shirt?” You called, fumbling around accidentally knocking over another lamp. “Oops, sorry!”

     “Uh, yeah sure. In the closet!” Peter called back pausing his show, prepared to make his way over to you. 

     “And some sweats?” You called back, blood dripping all over Peter’s hardwood floor. 

     Peter got up to make his way to his room. “Yeah, second drawer on the left side.” He said as he made his way to his bedroom. Knowing you were in there, most likely changing, he knocked. “You decent?” 

     “Nope, not really. I need a pair of your boxers too, though.” You called through the door, now seeing that the blood splattered on your underwear as well. “Also, bring the first aid kit when you come in.” 

     ‘What? Why?” Peter said in a more stressed tone, pushing his way into the room, completely ignoring the fact that you were very much not decent. “Holy shit.” He said seeing you out of your suit, in your bra and underwear, blood dripping down your right leg, pooling onto the floor. Your hand, red and bloody, pressed onto what he only assumed was the wound and blood seeping through your fingers. 

     “Bring a mop too.” 

     Peter ran out of the room to grab the first aid kit, plus some extra bandages and a cleaning solution. When he came back in he found you in the same state, standing in the middle of the room, eyebrows furrowed in pain, clutching your right thigh. 

     “What the hell happened?” He gasped, motioning for you to sit on his bed. You hesitated, not wanting to mess up his sheets. He seemed to notice your thought process quickly adding, “I have to wash my sheets anyway.” 

     “Gross.” You mumbled, scrunching up your face in disgust and finally settling down on his bed. 

     “Move your hand and tell me what happened,” Peter said kneeling on the floor next to the bed, positioned right at your hips. You removed your hand, bloody instantly seeping onto the bed. Peter winced looking at the hole in your leg, quickly grabbing the peroxide and dumping heaps of it onto your leg, much to your distaste. 

     “I got shot.” You stated as he cleaned the blood around the hole with alcohol pads.

     “Well, no shit. I mean by who and how?” 

     “Mobster. Sneaky bitch got me while I was walking away.” You winced as Peter inspected the wound further. 

     “I need to stitch this up. Did it go all the way through?” He said lifting your leg to look underneath for an exit wound. 

     “Yeah.” Peter found the exit wound and held your leg up with one hand, pouring peroxide on the back of your thigh with the other. 

     “You have to be more careful, (Y/N)! This looks really nasty.” Peter scolded, setting your leg back down and prepping the needle and sutures. “What if this was in your chest? Or—or if you didn’t get here in time? You could’ve bled out!” 

     “Well sorry that I don’t have your stupid tingle to help me out when I’m being fucking shot at!” You yelped, gripping the bedsheets. 

     “You don’t need spidey sense, you need fucking common sense,” Peter mumbled, stitching his first suture.

     “What the fuck did you just say?” You looked at him incredulously. 

     “I— uh, nothing.” Peter huffed, focusing back on stitching you up.

     “This is your all your fault, to begin with!” You accused, shifting uncomfortably, due to the needle constantly being stuck into your leg. “You’re the one that begged me to go on patrol for you! You’re the dumb bitch that got caught watc—” 

     “Ok! Shut up! For God’s sake, you’re never gonna let me live that down.” Peter groaned, finishing up the last stitch. “Flip over.” He commanded, pushing at the side of your waist to help with the movement. 

     “Well, it was fucking dumb. Don’t you check to make sure nobody’s home? God, we all know you’re a vocal bitch too.” You said, fully situated on your stomach. 

     “What the fuck is that suppose to mean!?” He gasped, prepping another needle. 

     “You’re a sensitive boy.” You shrugged, wincing when Peter started his next stitch. 

     “I-I am not sensitive! I’m emotionally and physically staunch!” He defended, going in for another stitch. 

     You just raised an eyebrow in amusement. “Sure, whatever you say, babe.” You winked at him, blowing an exaggerated kiss. 

     “You're a jerk,” Peter mumbled, finishing up his stitching job. “A jerk with a fucked up leg.” 

     You hummed, quite amused. Peter got up and started to collect his medical supplies. He shuffled out of the room to put everything away. When he returned you were trying to get up and walk, wincing at every slight movement. 

     “Here, let me just—” Peter lifted you up, bridal style. A small yelp coming from you when a sharp pain shot through your leg. “Sorry.”

     “It’s fine. Can you help me get dressed?” You said as he walked you over to his desk and set you down in his desk chair. 

     “Sure.” Peter blushed, painfully aware of your lack of clothes. He picked out some clothes from his closet and drawers. He helped you into them, wallowing in the uncomfortable silence, taking in each whimper and wince from you whenever he brushed against your thigh. 

     “Fuck, I’m so sorry.” He sighed after you were all dressed. “This is my fault.” 

     You looked at his distraught face, feeling bad for initially blaming him for the events of tonight. “No, Pete. It’s fine. I should’ve made sure all of the guys were knocked out.” You put a hand on his shoulder, giving it a comforting squeeze.

     “No, I should’ve been more careful when I was watching that stuff. I have my spidey sense, I would’ve been able to avoid getting shot. It’s not your fault that you didn’t get bit by a radioactive spider.”

     “Pete, really, I’ll be better by next week anyway. It’s fine.” 

     Peter shook his head, sighing. “I just feel so bad, I shouldn’t have forced patrolling on you.” You hugged him and rubbed his back soothingly. “It’s my fault you got hurt.” 

     “Peter stop. It’s just an unfortunate accident.” You mumbled, hugging him closer. “It could’ve happened to anyone.”

     “But it didn’t happen to just anyone (Y/N), it happened to you. And I caused it. I-I don't know what I’d do if something ever happened to you. What if it was worse?”

     You sighed, pulling away from Peter and cupping his face, seeing the regret and shame pooling in his eyes. Without much thought, you pulled him closer, slowly connecting your lips in a sweet kiss. Truly getting lost in the feeling of his lips against yours, the feeling of perfection. 

     Peter’s eyes widened in shock for a moment, before he was kissing you back, reveling in the feeling he’s been dreaming about for months. You finally pulled away to catch your breath. Peter flushed at your actions, unable to stop the wide smile crossing his features. 

     “Sorry,” You mumbled sheepishly, “just needed to shut you up for a second.”

     “Maybe I should talk more, just to see what happens,” Peter smirked, pulling you in for another shorter, but just as sweet, kiss. 

     You hummed against his lips. “I really like you. Even when you're a dumbass.” You sighed against his lips.

     “The feeling is mutual.” 

     “Rude. I’m not a dumbass.” You gasped in faux offense. 

     “You’re the one with a bullet wound.” he deadpanned 

     “You’re the one who got caught watchin—”

     “(Y/N)!”

[clearlydiamondz]

Drug Lords

Erik!Stevens x Black!Reader

- - - - - - - - - -

Drug lord Erik Stevens have some dealings with his weapon supplier. He makes it known that no one is going to mess with her..

Warning: Smut, cursing, killing, 

- - - - - - - - - -

(Y/N) woke up at around 2:00 in the morning, her sleep was totally off. She went to bed around 10 but for some odd reason she couldn’t get to sleep. It was messing up her entire sleep schedule. She looked at her phone and saw that she had a text message from the one and only Erik Stevens. He sent a text over a little hour ago. She opened it.

Erik- you up?

She rolled her eyes. It’s been a couple of weeks since she last talked to him. She cussed him out when one of his little hoes had the nerves to hit her phone up after getting her number, saying how she was going to beat her ass when he find out who she was.

Little did she know who she really was...

She knew why he was texting her. It was a Friday night, he was most likely drunk and wanting to have sex. She’s not going to lie, she wanted some dick. And Erik sure as hell knew how to deliver it. She decided to text him back.

maybe, why ?

She grabbed her phone, slipping on one of her over sized T-Shirts and walked downstairs.

At the age of 24, (Y/N) ran her own ring. She moved and sold weaponry and technology to other lords, Erik being one of them. She made a lot of money, and made quite the reputation for herself. Erik respected that.

Erik- I’m pullin up,

She didn’t text him back. She gave him a keycard to her penthouse months ago whenever he wanted to come here and lay low.

She walked into her office, walking to her safe and grabbing her pink weed jar, wraps and her lighter. She walked back to the kitchen rolling a blunt. She heard the elevator coming up, before looking and seeing him step out. He had on a dark grey Nike sweat suit, a pair of white Nike Air Forces, and a black beanie.

“Why are you up?” he asked her placing his keys and wallet on the counter. She shrugged.

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“So you decided to roll a blunt?” he asked leaning on the counter as she nodded.

“Yup, maybe this could help.” she smelled the liquor on him.

“How you get her so fast?” she asked him as he shrugged his shoulders.

“I was on my way when you texted me back.” he said.

‘What if I had someone over here?” she asked him tilting his head to the side as he rolled his eyes, smacking his teeth.

“(Y/N) stop fucking playing with me.” he told her as she scoffed.

“Whatever, I would offer you a drink but you seem a little tipsy.” she chuckled, bringing the blunt to her lips before lighting it. She took a breath letting the smoke fill before letting it out. Erik grabbed the blunt from her taking a puff of it, a longer  one than she.

“Damn this is good...” he coughed a bit before she tilted her head.

“So um, why are you here?” she asked him tilting her head to the side. “It’s not very usual that Erik tries to see the girl who cussed him out.” she said drinking from her water bottle.

“Well for one, I wanted to come by and see you. I’ve been texting your phone and you have been ignoring me.” he said as she rolled her eyes.

“Yeah... because I’m mad at you. I don’t need another one of your little bitches texting me.” she said in a matter of fact tone.

“Bruh I said, I don’t know how that bitch got into my phone, dead ass.” he said as she shook her head. “I’m being forreal. We did things a couple of months ago, I’m guessing she thought it was something more. She was over at JJ’s house while we were playing poker and I left my phone in kitchen. I’m guessing she saw the messages.. you know actually I think she saw the video of you playing in ya pussy and thought-” she hit him in the arm as he laughing.  

“I’m playin... but I still got that video.” he said. For some odd reason, him still having that video made her feel a little thump down there, but she couldn’t let him know that.

Erik did miss her.. like a lot. Nevermind the sex, he just loved being in her presence. In being without her for the past few weeks without her had a huge tole on him.

“Yeah because your a nasty ass nigga. That’s why.” she said taking the blunt from him, making her way back upstairs him following her. “You’re lucky I didn’t come by and shoot that bitch in her face.”

“Trust me.. you would’ve done been doing us both a favor.” he said. “Also, I want to make a deal with you. Word on the street you got some new weaponry, parts from Stark Industries.” she shrugged her shoulders.

“Maybe? Now that Tony is dead, government been trying to move his weapons. Straight disrespectful.” she said walking into her room. He took off his shoes and sweat shirt showing the white tank top, and his scars. “A couple of people interrupted the move, stole some equipment. Sold it on the black market,  I got my hands on some of the equipment. It was a hefty penny though. Making sure it couldn’t be tracked, tweaking it and shit. Costed me over 5 million for everything.” she said sitting on her bed taking a puff from the blunt. She was definitely starting to feel the high.

“How much you selling it for?”

“Well, I was able to make different things with it. So, depending on what it is. The lowest price I got so far is 250k.” she said handing him the blunt. He sat down in the recliner she had in her room.

“Damn,,”

“Yeah, I’ve already got people trying to do pre-orders but you know that’s not really my thing.” she said.

“So, will I be able to get my hands on a few.” he asked her as she laughed.

“Oh, your too funny. Just like everyone else, you need to come in contact with my team. Then I’ll see if you can get some of those products.” she responded. He kissed his teeth.

“Sorry, just because you’re the only client that I’ve had sex with doesn’t mean you can just get to me to get access or discounts.” she said. “If I thought with my Punani instead of my head with y’all niggas, I’d be broker than broke. No offense.”

“Yeah, you got a point.” she put the blunt on the night stand before standing up. She walked towards him, throwing her legs over him, sitting down in his lap before he leaned back placing his hands on her ass rubbing it.

“I’m guessing you missed me too.”

“Yeah, I guess I missed your big headed ass.” she sighed, as he gave her ass a slap. She jumped a bit before biting his lip. He forgot that she liked that.

She felt his dick pressing on her. “What you want from me, huh?” he asked her as they smirked each other. His plump lips was pouted and his eyes hang low, probably feeling a little high from the blunt. All she saw was a beautiful ass man, with a face she could use as a seat.

“I wanna ride your face.”

He raised an eyebrow at her as she smiled innocently at him. His mouth started to water at the thought of her pussy in his mouth. It was crazy how sweet she tasted, especially when she came. Tasted like honey and brown sugar.

He placed his hands under ass before standing up and walking to her bed. He placed her down before looking at her. He leaned down grabbing her by the con before leaning in for a kiss. The kiss was sweet and passionate. He really wanted to show her how much he missed her.

As they kissed, his hand trailed up the shirt coming into contact with her clothed wetness. He pulled them off with both hands still kissing her. His fingers found her clot rubbing it. His fingers were cold, she shivered at the coldness and the sensitivity. She moaned into the kiss as he pulled away.

“I’m barely touching you and your already breaking.” he chuckled. He sat down beside her before taking his shoes of then pulling her into his lap and laying back. “Come set that pussy on my tongue.” without a second thought, she lifted  her shirt, letting it sit over her ass as she placed herself on his tongue. Without hesitation, Erik had his tongue deep inside of her.

He could physically feel her squeezing himself around his dick making him moan, “Fuck daddy... eat my pussy just like that.” she whimpered out. He gripped her ass cheeks, squeezing one as she moaned.

She grinded her hips, riding his tongue as she threw her head back. He was trying to talk to her, but he had his mouth full.

He reached down, grabbing his dick palming it through his sweats. It was getting painful, and the restrictions of his sweatpants was not helping. She looked back and saw him touching his self before an idea popped into her head.  

“Hold up.” she lifted herself off before turning around. She hovered over his face, pulling the band from his sweatpants down. She pulled down the red and black Gucci boxers down freeing him as he winced. She looked at his dick before licking her lips. He was beautiful. Long and thick, pre cum dripping down the sides running down the veins. Within a split second, her lips wrapped around the tip, as her tongue swirled around it collecting all of his pre cum. She  moaned at the taste, he always tasted like fruit.

“Fuck.. don’t tease me. Put all of daddy in ya mouth.” he grunted. She followed his instructions before wrapping her hands around the base of his dick. She moved her hands slowly stroking as she sucked him.

“C’mon on daddy, keep eating my pussy..” she encouraged him as he moaned.

“Freaky ass.. I got you.” His lips wrapped her clit, sucking on it as she moaned around his dick. The feeling of giving and receiving pleasure at the same time wasn’t new to her, but her first time doing it, she knew that this wasn’t the last time doing it.

He was big, but she was determined to fit him all her in mouth. And she did just that. His dick was deep in her throat, she hummed in pleasure, the vibrations sent to him as he let out a deep  moan. “Fuck baby girl...” he moaned as she smiled. She leaned up, stroking him while rubbing along his hard dick, her spit dripping down to his balls.

He slowly thrusted into her hand as she smirked at his desperation. Finally, she had him like putty in her hands. She lifted up off of him before kissing him. She straddled his hips, his dick slightly rubbing against her pussy, the both of them moaning. She stood up, breaking away from her as she smiled.

She pulled the T-Shirt from her body before he stood up, taking off his clothes. She got down on her knees before looking up at him, batting her eyelashes at him. “You want daddy to fuck your throat. Huh?” he asked cupping her cheeks as she nodded. “No, say it.”

“I want daddy to fuck my throat.. pretty please.” she begged licking the tip as he threw his head bad.

“There you go, beg me. Open your fucking mouth.” he said. Her mouth was open and he inserted her mouth, before thrusting in and out of he mouth. She loved gagging on his dick, and she knew that he loved that sound.

He was talking, but she wasn’t paying attention. She was just focused on the attack on her throat. She snuck her hands down the front, inserting a finger in her wetness before moaning, her eyes rolling back as she fingered herself.

“Yeah, play with that wet ass pussy. I can hear that shit all the way from up here.” she looked up at him, holding his dick in her throat. He pulled out.

“There is no way I’m cumming like that.” he said before grabbing her by her face and lifting her up. He smashed his lips into her, the two of them kissing in sync. “Fuck me...” she whispered. In a swift movement, Erik pushed her on the bed, as she opened up her legs.

The wetness was smeared all on her inner thighs, the center glowing with her wetness as she smirked at him. “Fuck..” he grunted getting in between her legs. He kissed her, distracting her from her. He inserted her as she gasped.

“Shit daddy..” she moaned. Damn she was hella tight. “Fuck your too big.” she whispered throwing her head back. Erik kissed along her neck, to her chin, then placed a kissed on her lips.

“Quit all that, take this dick like a big girl. Ain’t ya first time, so take it.” he said slowly stroking her. Already, she was creaming on his dick.

“Mmm, daddy. Fuck me just like that.” she whimpered out as he smiled at her.

“Yeah.. that’s right. Take this dick in that tight ass pussy. Making a mess all over my dick.. disrespectful.” he grunted out. She bit down on her lip, opening her eyes meeting his. She clenched her self tighter just to get a reaction out of him. His eyes fluttered closed, as he clenched his jaw. She smirked. .

“Daddy don’t slow down, that shit feels too good.” she teased him. It pissed him off how fast she was about to cum.. way too fast. And she was teasing him about it.

“Come up here ride my shit, since you wanna be all bold and shit. Hurry that ass up.” They flipped over as Erik was on his back. She sat down on his dick moaning as it hit her walls.

“Shit.. just use my shit bitch. That’s it.” he grunted as she moaned. She was so close and he was too. Maybe it was just because of the way that they were fucking each other, or maybe it was because it’s been a minute since the last time they fucked, but the two of them were both on edge.

She leaned back opening her legs as she showing him going in and out of her. “Feels so good.” she whispered to herself.

“Yeah show me all that. Just nasty..” he grunted fucking up into her. He was cumming. There was no point in stopping or trying to hold back considering he was close. And by the look and feel of the things, she was close to. 

“Daddy...  I’ma gonna-” She was interrupted by him cumming deep inside her walls. He moaned out, digging his hands in her ass as she moaned out loud. She continued fucking him, chasing her own orgasm. 

“Fuck.. fuck.” he grunted out as she continued riding him. That’s when she squirted all over his stomach. She fell forward, her head resting in her neck as they stayed like that for a minute. 

“We need to go again.. that shit was-”

“Hold up.. I need to catch my breath. You know I got asthma.” she said as he laughed. 

“You need ya inhaler or something?”

“Nah, lemme just catch my breath.”

- - - - - - - - - - - 

(Y/N) walked into the warehouse, looking at her woman pointing their gun at the poor man. The captain of the group, Venom, had her knife to his neck. 

Let’s just say, her team was ruthless. They were a team made of women, who handled her.. business. They were called the Mona Lisa’s. Mainly because they showed no remorse or emotion. But because the actual Mona Lisa was beautiful and mysterious, they gained that nickname. The tricked men into get information, they were amazing actresses actually. They could make somebody feel wanted and loved... and we all know how dangerous that could be.

“Who are you?” 

“I ain’t telling you shit, bitch.” he snapped at her as she rolled her eyes. 

“We gonna skip that part where you try to be all tough. There is nothing stopping Venom here from slashing your throat and trust me. That would most definitely be the high light of her day.” she warned him. “Actually, the highlight of her day would be torturing you until you speak.” she said matter of factly.

“Weak ass bitches, you don’t scare no body.” (Y/N) looked at Venom and smirked at him. 

“You take your time with him. Call me when he says something.”

- - - - - - - - - - - -

(Y/N) ran a face scan through the system, to find out that he use to work for Erik. Name was Claw. Nasty and just plain annoying. After stealing money from Erik and killing one of his close friends, he was never seen again. Erik and a lot of other lords

“So what is this surprise you got for me?” he asked him walking past her in her quarters where they did their interrogations. The entire time he was looking at her ass. They walked to the door as she turned around, 

“Look for yourself.” He walked in the room, looking in the glass window seeing him tied to a chair, as Venom continued cutting his fingers off his one hand, piece by piece. 

“Is that-”

“In the flesh. I caught him trying to sneak into my warehouse where I’m holding some of my weapons.” she said as he looked at her. 

“I hope it’s not the-”

“It’s not the Stark ones. Those are in Alaska. But I’m worried. Out of all my years of moving and supplying, I’ve never had someone successfully break into my warehouse. And I know the Mona Lisa’s aren’t slacking because they are highly trained. I sent over a hundred of them to Alaska to protect the gear.” she said biting her acrylic thumb in nervousness. “This idiot was dumb coming in here alone, but I know niggas. Niggas that are smarter, and I just have this deep feeling that someone is planning something to get at me.” she looked at Erik. He’s known her for years, she’s never really shown nervousness or being scared. He saw that she was genuinely scared. Some might say she was over thinking, but in her line of work you could  never over think.

“Aye calm down, I promise you I won’t let anyone get to you, ight. Even if it takes my last breath.” he reassured her. “Starting with this motherfucker. I’m killing his ass.” he said about to walk to the door to entre the room but she stopped him.

“Wait, lemme talk to him. I got a plan.” she walked into the room before walking over to her. 

“Alright, so I know who you are.” she said as he cursed. 

“You knew who I was this entire time and you’ve been letting this crazy bitch do this shit!” he yelled at her as (Y/N) laughed. 

“Man, calm down. I ain’t even that serious. Plus, it’s been a minute since Venom have had a little bit of fun. She deserves it.” (Y/N) smiled at Venom as Venom smirked at her. 

“Anyways, I know that you’re working with Erik. Or use to work with him. I sent a couple of my girls over there to do.. a lil bit of damage. Kill some of his goons, injure a couple more, but I’m keeping Erik alive.” he said as Claw shook his head. 

“Your dumb if you did that.”

“Well, you and I both know the success rate my girls have so...” she trailed off. 

“No, your dumb if you think that I still work for that bum ass nigga, or I’m trying to get in good terms with him. Fuck his bitch ass..” he said. She chuckled. 

“Well it make sense..  I mean, you were his close friend. Right hand man. Makes since you’d try to steal my shit. I did tell my girls to make sure that Erik know your alive.” she said as his face turned to complete fear. She tilted her head to the side pouting. 

“Tell me why you tried stealing my shit.”

“I-I was doing it to have so I could sell it.” he said as she rolled her eyes. That’s all she wanted to hear but she still wanted to fuck with him. 

“Bull shit. Tell the truth. Either way you’re going to die whether it’s by me or by him. Why?”

“I’m telling you. I only wanted to sell it. Everyone know your work is worth billions and I-I needed some quick cash. J-Just don’t tell him I’m alive.”

“Damn,,, for him to be a bum ass nigga, you a lil scared ain’t you,” she said tilting her head to the side. “Anyways he knows so..” she shrugged. 

“N-No he doesn’t. He would’ve been here by-” she looked towards the window than looked back at him. He got the hint. The door opened and Erik walked in, the vein in forehead popping out as his jaw clenched.

“So I’ma a bum ass nigga now?” he asked him, (Y/N) rolled her eyes. She knew his Ego was hurt. Erik looked at Venom, before smiling at her. 

“Thanks Sweetheart. Love what you did but I got it from here.” he winked at her as she smiled blushing. 

“No problem Erik.” she walked out as (Y/N) chuckled. 

Venom was dangerous, well that’s how she got her nickname. But deep down, she was a girl that blushed even at the smallest compliments. She was a sweetie, but if it came down to it, she didn’t hesitate to drop a body. And she did enjoy tourtuing somebody for her enjoyment.  

“Look Erik-”

“Don’t say my name. First of all, I’ma kill you for what you did to me. But- I’ma make sure that shit is slow. Especially coming up in here fucking with her. And about that one, I’ma make sure yo ass wish you were dead.”

“Well you have your fun, let me know when everything is done so I can have someone come clean up ya mess.” she placed a kiss on his cheek before walking out. 

She knew that Erik was gonna handle business for her, maybe he’ll get a lil something for it.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Here’s a lil fact about me, I’m obsessed with Erik and reader being lords or mob bosses or whatever you wanna call it. 

Taglist:

@sociallyawkward18 @raysunshine78 

@justgetitoverwith0 

[theringers]

watch me burn - pierre gasly

illicit affairs, part seven

summary: “oh baby, I've been thinking about it, you know that I've been dreaming about it” watch me burn / michele morrone

a/n: hi:) still a few more parts to go but i went a few chapters without smut and this was needed so enjoy:) also if u listen to the title song while u read its a whole new experience lmfao

warnings: 18+, nsfw, smut, semi public sex

2 months ago, to the day

Your eyes met his piercing blue eyes in the garage once again. It had been a month since you slept with Pierre and you haven’t stopped thinking about it. The way he stared at you as he fucked you was the exact same way he was glaring at you across the paddock. Needy and desperate.

You shook yourself back into focus and listened as Max’s strategist reiterated today’s race strategy but you couldn’t help daydreaming about what that man could do in bed.

You drowned out the conversation about tyres and looked over to Alpha Tauri at the perfect time. Pierre had his bottom lip between his teeth while he examined his car. He ran his hand slowly over the chassis seductively like he knew you were watching. His fingers grazed the metal in painstakingly slow circles. After he removed his hand from the car was when he caught your eyes. He gave you a smirk, not even a smile, and turned away. It was good to know that you weren’t the only one thinking about what happened.

The race started and you were in the garage, cheering on Max. He had started second on the grid but due to a first lap incident, he was fifth. He was not going to be happy after the race. He can tolerate if he fucks up but having other people interfere with his race is something he takes particularly hard.

Pierre’s car came up behind Max’s around a corner and got too close for comfort. Max jerked his steering wheel too much as he tried to turn, sending Pierre’s car straight into the barriers.

You stood up out of your seat and gasped. Everyone in the garage was relieved to see Max still racing and no one seemed to be concerned about Pierre. You took off your Red Bull Racing branded headphones and slammed them on the table before rushing over to the Alpha Tauri garage.

Anna was seated in her chair, looking worried, but not enough for you. She should be close to tears like you were.

“Have you heard anything from him?” You asked and Anna looked up, almost annoyed.

“He’s conscious,” his race engineer said, “but hurting.” You heard the groan come through followed by a bunch of curse words. He apologized profusely for his move but it was all Max’s fault.

You watched on Alpha Tauri’s monitors as the race was red flagged and decided to head back to Red Bull’s garage. “Let me know when you hear something,” you said to Anna. She nodded and looked back down to her phone. Fucking bitch. Her attitude made you not even feel bad about sleeping with her husband. She didn’t deserve him.

Max walked back to the garage looking like a life size bobble head with his heavy helmet swinging around. “Is Pierre okay?” He asked, sounding genuinely concerned.

“He’s conscious. He took a nasty hit.”

“I know, I feel bad. I didn’t mean to, the steering wheel just got away from me. I saw him crash in my rear view mirror.”

You were visibly shaken and Max always knew the right things to say when you weren’t feeling okay.

“He’s gonna be okay,” Max said, rubbing your back.

You nodded in agreement. “I know he will. I’m going to check on him at the medical center once the race starts again.”

Max smiled at you. “That would be good. Make sure you tell him I’m sorry.”

An engineer put his hand on Max’s shoulder and shoved a spreadsheet full of data in his face. He shrugged his shoulders and walked with the engineer to the monitors.

It wasn’t long before the race got underway again. Max made it up to third, podium position, but there were still at least 30 laps left. You started the trek through the paddock and over to the medical center. You were just a bit too late as you saw Pierre walking out down the ramp. He smiled when he saw you approach him.

“How ya feeling champ?” You asked him.

“I’m a bit sore thanks to your husband.”

Your face fell. “He sends his apologies. I promise he was actually remorseful.”

“Max? Remorseful? What did you do to him?”

You laughed. Max did have a temper and tended to be extra competitive but he had formed a special bond with Pierre these last few years. They weren’t friends by any means but they helped each other out whenever possible. This was one of the times that it wasn’t possible.

“He does genuinely feel bad, Pierre.”

“I know he does, it was a racing incident. I saw the footage.” He limped slightly through the paddock and winced when he put pressure on his left leg. “I think I should go lay down for a bit.” He took another step and lost his balance. You grabbed his arm and held him, making sure he stayed steady.

“This is it right here,” he pointed to his motor home.

“Do you want me to help you up there? I don’t want you to fall.” You said with a soft smile on your face. How could he resist your offer of help?

“Sure,” he limped over to the door and you aided him up a few stairs. “Shouldn’t you be watching the rest of the race? Last I checked, Max was doing really well.”

He sat down on the luxe white leather couch in exhaustion and you sat at the table across from him. “He wanted to make sure you’re okay. He’ll be fine.” You looked around the motorhome, observing your surroundings to seem busy. “So Anna’s nice…” you said, followed by a laugh. You had known Anna for a few months now. Their wedding was right before the season started and you really hadn’t known her much before then either. She tended to keep to herself and you wanted to respect that.

“She can be a bit…”

“Yeah, I know. I went to check on you after the crash and she looked like she wanted me dead.”

“In her defense, she caught me checking out your ass this morning. She was not very happy with me after that.”

You leaned forward to give him a light smack. “Pierre!” You shook your head in disappointment. “What did she think of the way you were practically fingering your car this morning?”

He played fake shy. “Oh, you saw that?”

“You make my heart beat crazy fast.” You admitted, putting your hand to your chest. “That didn’t help.”

“Well, as long as you enjoyed yourself.”

Enjoy yourself you did. He was in his same fireproofs from earlier and you were sure he didn’t know how turned on they made you. They were pulled down to his waist, the sleeves hanging low off his hips. His white undershirt was tight to his body, putting his abs on full display. His legs were spread wide, inviting you in. Was it hot in there? Was the air conditioning on?

He ran his hands over his abdomen and leaned his head back, staring at the ceiling. He groaned, sounding like he was in pain, frustrated, and horny at the same time.

Why did he have to be so unbelievably irresistible to you? When you were around him it was almost impossible to contain yourself. There was a magnetic force dragging you to him constantly. You moved yourself to sit next to him, earning his attention and popping his head up.

“You look really hot right now,” you giggled to yourself. He made you feel like a teenager experiencing her first love. The nerves were through the roof.

“Well, I feel hot.” He looked around the walls of the motorhome. “Where the hell is the air conditioning and who turned it off?”

You let out a sigh of relief. “Oh thank god it’s not just me.” He looked over at you examined your face. He placed his hand on your red cheeks. “You’re flushed.”

When he touched you, a chill ran through your body. Your body felt on fire and he had the power to send a freezing cold chill through it all.

“My cheeks get really red when I get nervous.” You blushed even more having to admit that. It was your least favorite characteristic of yourself. Everyone always knew flat out when you were nervous.

“I can’t tell if it makes you look cute, like I want to hug you, or if I want to fuck you.” His hand still rested on your cheek as he looked back and forth between your eyes and lips. “You look so god damn innocent. Like I could totally ruin you with just a few minutes alone.” His thumb ran over your lower lip and you instinctively stuck your tongue out to meet his thumb. He took the opportunity to put his thumb in your mouth and you suctioned around it, keeping eye contact with him. “Y/n,” he breathlessly begged, “please.”

His lips crashed to yours, feeling warm and secure the moment they touched. His hands held your neck and you moaned into his mouth, forgetting what it felt like to be touched by him.

He hoisted you onto his lap, wincing a bit when you grazed his knee. His hands fit perfectly in the curves of your waist as he pulled you closer to him, grinding your hips. “Don’t do this to me,” he said into your neck.

“Why not?” You said cheekily.

“We don’t have much time.” You almost forgot that there was a race going on right now.

“I can be quick.” You hopped off of him and locked the motorhome door as he undressed out of his fireproofs. He looked so good in his white suit but he looked even better naked. You slipped off your underwear and hoisted your sundress up to your waist before going back to his lap.

He guided your body on top of his, settling you down as you took all of him in, deep. “Shit. A condom.” You said, after the bare feeling of him inside of you set in. God did it feel good but it wasn’t right.

“I don’t think I have any in here.” He said. “I promise I’ll pull out. I need you so bad.” He lightly bit your nipple through your sundress.

“I will kill you if you’re lying to me.” You started to move your hips and moaned at the sensation. He felt so good filling you up all the way.

He took your ass in his hands and started to bounce you up and down on his cock. “That’s it baby, just like that.” He said, admiring your movements. “Fuck me like a good girl.”

Your head fell forward, the feeling running through your body getting almost unbearable to handle.

“Jesus, Pierre, you feel so good.” You pulled your hair into a makeshift ponytail and arched your back, feeling like all eyes were on you in the best way possible.

He watched you in awe as you rode his cock without a care in the world. “Your pussy is so tight baby. So tight for me.” A breathy moan escaped his lips and his face looked like he was in pure bliss. There’s nowhere else he would rather be.

“Shit, shit, I’m gonna come.” He said, panicking. You rushed to get off of him as you saw the liquid pool on his abs.

“Did you…?”

“I don’t think I got any inside of you.”

You took a deep breath to collect your thoughts. God, you hoped not.

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