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my-bated-breath · 4 years

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Research Shows that Zutara Would Have Been the Ideal Friends to Lovers Dynamic

(featured below: a very self-indulgent Zutara post that uses Facts and Evidence to be self-indulgent)

When I joined the ATLA fandom, a common trend I've seen used to discredit Zutara was the belief that upon transitioning from a platonic relationship to a romantic one, Zuko and Katara would immediately become The Worst (TM) for each other. It's quite the stretch, and the Zutara fandom nearly unanimously recognizes that. Still, since the attacks have yet to cease even 15 years after the show’s first release, I'd like to add my two-cents on the subject, along with a reference to actual research that is much harder to dismiss.

The reason why Zutara is framed as a “toxic and unhealthy” relationship is that their romance would be a classic example of the enemies-to-lovers trope, a trope which modern media has not been particularly kind to. However, when executed correctly, enemies-to-lovers can produce a healthy and loving relationship, frequently relying on friendship as an intermediate between the “enemy” and “lover” stages in the most well-executed versions of this trope. Meanwhile, the trope of friends-to-lovers is just as popular as enemies-to-lovers, though the specific dynamic required between two individuals to achieve this transition is not well-known. Recognizing this, Laura K. Guerrero and Paul A. Mongeau, both of whom are involved in relationship-related research as professors at Arizona State University, wrote a research paper on how friendships may transition into romantic relationships.

While “On Becoming ‘More Than Friends: The Transition From Friendship to Romantic Relationship” covers a variety of aspects regarding how friends may approach a budding romantic relationship, this meta will focus on the section titled “The Trajectory from Platonic Friendship to Romantic Relationship,” which describes stages of intimacy that are in common between platonic and romantic relationships.

(I am only using this one source for my meta because as much as I love research and argumentative writing, I can only give myself so much more school work before I break. If you wish to see more sources that corroborate the argument from above, refer to the end of this meta at the “Works Cited.”)

According to Guerrero and Mongeau, “...scholars have argued that intimacy is located in different types of interactions, ranging from sexual activity and physical contact to warm, cozy interactions that can occur between friends, family members, and lovers…” Guerrero and Mongeau then reference a relationship model where the initial stages (i.e. perceiving similarities, achieving rapport, and inducing self-disclosure) reflect platonic/romantic intimacy through communication while the latter stages (i.e. role-taking, achieving interpersonal role fit, and achieving dyadic crystallization) often see both individuals as achieving a higher level of intimacy that involves more self-awareness.

Definitions, because some terminology in this quote is field-specific:

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Perception of similarity: (similar in background, values, etc.) which contributes to pair rapport

Pair rapport: produces positive emotional and behavioral responses to the partner, promotes effective communication and instills feelings of self-validation

Self-disclosure: a process of communication by which one person reveals information about themselves to another. The information can be descriptive or evaluative and can include thoughts, feelings, aspirations, goals, failures, successes, fears, and dreams, as well as one's likes, dislikes, and favorites.

Role-taking: ability to understand the partner's perspective and empathize with his/her role in the interaction and the relationship

Role-fit: partners assess the extent of their similarities in personality, needs, and roles

Dyadic crystallization: partners become increasingly involved with each other and committed to the relationship and they form an identity as a committed couple

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(Source: Quizlet -- not the most reliable source, I know, but once again field-specific terms tend to be ubiquitous in their definitions, and I doubt that this Quizlet can be that inaccurate)

(Additional note: only the first three definitions will be relevant to this meta, but the other definitions are left in for all of you who want to speculate what the next part of this meta, which may or may not be published the following week, will be about.)

Let’s apply what we just learned back to the real Zuko-Katara relationship we see throughout the show. What attributes of healthy and natural friends-to-lovers dynamics may they check off?

Perceiving similarities:

Zuko and Katara share an astounding number of parallels in background and character throughout the show. Both their mothers had sacrificed their lives to save them, and then there are many deliberate parallels drawn between Zuko and Katara’s confrontations in the Day of Black Sun and The Southern Raiders, respectively. Of course, there are more, but since I do not have much to add to this subject, I’ll say that perceiving these similarities helps contribute to…

Pair rapport:

We see three standout examples of this from the show in which Zuko and Katara “make positive emotional and behavioral responses” towards each other: In the Crossroads of Destiny, the Southern Raiders, and Sozin's Comet, Part 2: The Old Masters.

(1) Crossroads of Destiny. Zuko and Katara bond over the loss of their mothers in the Crystal Catacombs, allowing themselves to truly see the other for the first time as well as for them to speak civilly and intimately (is this self-disclosure I see?) with each other. Of course, their conversation (on-screen or off-screen) is meaningful enough for Katara to offer to use the Spirit Oasis water to heal Zuko’s scar.

(2) The Southern Raiders. The journey Zuko and Katara take for her to achieve closure (which is something Zuko himself knew was necessary to heal and grow) is the catalyst for Katara forgiving Zuko. Though there is no true “rapport” in the scene where Katara forgives him, all other banter/conversations (in the Ember Island Players and the ATLA finale) between Katara and Zuko are reliant on the moment she forgives him.

(3) Sozin's Comet, Part 2: The Old Masters. In the finale, Zuko experiences a moment of uncertainty before just before he faces his uncle -- his uncle who had always been there for him since the days of his banishment, his uncle had loved him unconditionally even when Zuko did not know that such love was possible, his uncle who loved him like his own son, his uncle who he betrayed in the Crystal Catacombs, his uncle who turned away when he was encased in crystal, too disappointed to look him in the eye. He tells this to Katara -- and what does Katara say to Zuko in response?

“Then he'll forgive you. He will.”

The dialogue speaks for itself. The positive emotional response, the open communication, and the (rightful) encouragement Katara provides, all without invalidating Zuko’s self-doubt, demonstrates the epitome of pair rapport. Further elaboration would simply be me gushing over their dynamic.

Self-disclosure:

Self-disclosure involves revealing intimate feelings. We’re revisiting the same three episodes that we covered up above since they all include self-disclosure.

(1) The Crossroads of Destiny. When he reaches out in the Crystal Catacombs, Zuko reveals something to Katara that he has never told anyone before, perhaps something he didn’t even want to admit to himself -- in response to “the Fire Nation took my mother away from me” he says “that's something we have in common.” And to say that out loud, to say it to himself and Katara when for three whole years he’s been trying to convince himself that the Fire Nation is good and that his father loves him -- there are no words to describe it. It’s both awe-inspiring and heartbreaking to see that Zuko and Katara’s shared pain is what allowed them to see each other as more than the “face of the enemy,” and it’s something so poignant that it forms an immediately profound connection between the two.

(2) The Southern Raiders. On their way to the Fire Nation communications tower on Whale Tail Island, Katara tells the story of her mother’s death, a story that has haunted her memories for years, looming over her as a ghost, a wound that festers into fear to grief to anger. This was the moment that divided Katara’s life into the Before and the After, the one that forced her to abandon childhood and to become a mother to her own brother (as implied by Sokka in his conversation with Toph in the Runaway). And yet this is the first time we see her tell someone her story in the show, full and vivid as if it happened yesterday. Because even though she mentioned her mother before to Aang, Haru, and Jet in order to sympathize with them -- it’s just that. Sympathizing. This time she tells Zuko about her mother’s death for her own sake rather than for another’s. And it’s an incredibly intimate moment, one that is made even more fragile, wrenching, and beautiful by Zuko’s response -- “Your mother was a brave woman.”

(3) Sozin's Comet, Part 2: The Old Masters. Throughout the second half of season 3, Zuko shares his love and insecurities regarding Iroh to every member of the GAang.

In the Firebending Masters, he mentions to Aang offhandedly -- and perhaps too offhandedly, as if he didn’t want to believe it himself -- that Iroh, Dragon of the West, received his honorary title for killing the last dragon.

An episode later in part one of the Boiling Rock, Zuko talks about his uncle with near constancy. He brews tea for the GAang and (endearingly) tries retelling “Uncle’s favorite tea joke.” He tells Sokka, “Hey, hold on. Not everyone in my family is like that… I meant my uncle. He was more of a father to me. And I really let him down.” He (fails at, adorably) giving advice to Sokka when the rescue mission to the Boiling Rock has begun to look helpless, asking himself “what would Uncle say?” before completely floundering away.

Then, in the Ember Island Players, he shares a sweet moment with Toph, bitterly spitting out that

“...for me, [the play] takes all the mistakes I've made in my life, and shoves them back in my face. My uncle, he's always been on my side, even when things were bad. He was there for me, he taught me so much, and how do I repay him? With a knife in his back. It's my greatest regret, and I may never get to redeem myself.”

Toph, in turn, reveals the thoughtful side to her character, the side that is almost always hidden, telling Zuko that “you have redeemed yourself to your uncle. You don't realize it, but you already have.”

And every one of these moments matter, because we see Zuko’s inner conflict (though this inner conflict does not exist to the extent at which it did at the first half of season 3) and its evolution. First, with Aang, he remains skeptical and disillusioned. Second, with Sokka, his longing for Iroh’s love and presence manifests itself in him imitating his uncle as well as he can. Third, with Toph, he finally admits everything he had been afraid of ever since he saw Iroh’s empty prison cell during the eclipse -- that Iroh is disappointed in him. That Iroh hates him. That Iroh will never accept him again.

And for a moment, with Toph’s encouraging response and Zuko’s resulting little smile, it appears as though Zuko’s internal conflict arc is concluded. But we are wrong -- because in the finale of the show, we are given the true climax and resolution to Zuko’s insecurities, fears, and self-loathing. And who is it that he shares this moment with?

It speaks volumes about Zuko and Katara’s relationship that Katara is the one to comfort Zuko in this scene, in that last moment of hesitation right before he steps inside his uncle’s tent, preparing himself to see his uncle as a completely changed person. As a person who now knows humility and unconditional love. And remember -- selecting Katara to be in this scene is a deliberate narrative choice because ATLA was written by a team of producers and writers, and perhaps even if it wasn’t, it becomes a powerful moment in which Zuko’s arc with Iroh reaches its peak.

Simply having Katara there in this scene already has such a great narrative impact, but then the show gives us some of the most intimate dialogue that Zuko, a naturally closed-off person, delivers (although his emotional outbursts may suggest otherwise, Zuko tends to hide most of his internally conflicting feelings to himself. Hence, he is always able to dramatically monologue about his honor, his country, and his throne -- because he’s trying to convince himself to play a part. But that’s another meta for another day).

Let’s begin by comparing Toph and Zuko’s dialogue with Katara and Zuko’s dialogue because both see the other party validating Zuko’s feelings.

(Warning: the following section plunges deep into the realm of speculation and overanalyzing dialogue. Regarding literature or any media, there are countless ways to interpret the source material, and this is simply one way it could be done.)

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Ember Island Players Dialogue:

Toph: Geez, everyone's getting so upset about their characters. Even you seem more down than usual, and that's saying something!

Zuko: You don't get it, it's different for you. You get a muscly version of yourself, taking down ten bad guys at once, and making sassy remarks.

Toph: Yeah, that's pretty great!

Zuko: But for me, it takes all the mistakes I've made in my life, and shoves them back in my face. My uncle, he's always been on my side, even when things were bad. He was there for me, he taught me so much, and how do I repay him? With a knife in his back. It's my greatest regret, and I may never get to redeem myself.

_____

Although Toph and Zuko’s dynamic is one of the most innocent and understanding throughout the show, the conversation begins with Toph joking with a negative connotation -- that “even [Zuko seemed] more down than usual, and that’s saying something!” Thus, the conversation opener is not one that allows for Zuko to easily be emotionally vulnerable, and so he responds bitterly and angrily -- “You don’t get it, it’s different for you” and “...and how do I repay him? With a knife in his back.” By stating that their portrayals in the shows were different, Zuko mentally places a wall between himself and Toph, saying that “[Toph doesn’t] get it.” Then, the rhetorical question Zuko asks himself and the shortness with which he answers the question showcases a forceful and biting tone, indicating that he is covering up his inner turmoil with vehemence. This tendency is something we’ve seen Zuko default to before, whenever he had shouted the oft-mocked “I must restore my honor!” lines in response to a few introspective questions Iroh had asked (though once again, that’s another meta for another day). Now, let’s examine the remainder of their conversation.

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Ember Island Players Dialogue Continued:

Toph: You have redeemed yourself to your uncle. You don't realize it, but you already have.

Zuko: How do you know?

Toph: Because I once had a long conversation with the guy, and all he would talk about was you.

Zuko: Really?

Toph: Yeah, and it was kind of annoying.

Zuko: Oh, sorry.

_____

Here we see Toph and Zuko’s conversation take a more serious turn as Toph becomes more sincere. Zuko, however, is still full of self-doubt as he is constantly questioning Toph with “how do you know?” and “really” and “oh, sorry.”

(featured up above: Zuko looking dejected and doubtful.)

Still, the conversation ends on a sweet and inspiring note:

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Ember Island Players Dialogue Continued:

Toph: But it was also very sweet. All your uncle wanted was for you to find your own path, and see the light. Now you're here with us. He'd be proud.

_____

Hence, though Zuko and Toph’s conversation displays a heartening and hopeful dynamic, Zuko is ultimately still guarded for the majority of their conversation. Now, let’s look at how Katara approaches Zuko in the Sozin’s Comet, Part 2: The Old Masters.

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Sozin’s Comet, Part 2: The Old Masters Dialogue:

Katara: Are you okay?

Zuko: No, I'm not okay. My uncle hates me, I know it. He loved and supported me in every way he could, and I still turned against him. How can I even face him?

Katara: Zuko, you're sorry for what you did, right?

Zuko: More sorry than I've been about anything in my entire life.

_____

In direct contrast to the conversation opener with Toph, Katara begins to engage Zuko with an openly concerned question. And even though Katara never disappointed an Iroh-figure in her life in the way Zuko has, Zuko immediately doesn’t close himself off from her, he doesn’t create a wall that prevents him from revealing his deepest fears to her. During this scene, he neither sounds bitter or angry -- he sounds lost, doubtful, and afraid (perhaps even afraid to hope). This shift in tone is blatant in his voice (thanks to Dante Basco’s line delivery) but even with nothing but the written dialogue, we can note the difference in which he describes his turmoil to Toph and as compared to Katara:

With Toph: “But for me, it takes all the mistakes I've made in my life, and shoves them back in my face. My uncle, he's always been on my side, even when things were bad. He was there for me, he taught me so much, and how do I repay him? With a knife in his back. It's my greatest regret, and I may never get to redeem myself.”

With Katara: “No, I'm not okay. My uncle hates me, I know it. He loved and supported me in every way he could, and I still turned against him. How can I even face him?”

With Katara, the underlying bitterness from his conversation with Toph is toned down to the point of nonexistence, though a part of it is still there. With Toph, Zuko says, “it takes all the mistakes I’ve made in my life, and shoves them back in my face,” which is a rather incensed statement. Meanwhile, by saying, “no, I'm not okay. My uncle hates me, I know it,” Zuko directly addresses his self-loathing without the use of language such as “shoves them back in my face,” the latter of which is reminiscent of how individuals may unthinkingly reveal information in a sudden emotional outburst.

Then, when Katara asks him if he’s sorry for what he did, the words come easily to Zuko, the most easily he admits to his own mistakes after three years of not admitting anything truthful to himself: “More sorry than I've been about anything in my entire life.”

And Katara, just as Toph did, says with the utmost confidence and sincerity, “Then he'll forgive you. He will.”

This moment of affirmation that runs parallel between both dialogues is where Zuko’s responses begin to diverge. Whereas Zuko reacts to Toph with disbelief and doubt, this is how he reacts once he hears Katara’s words:

He takes Katara’s words to heart and accepts them. Because out of all the GAang, Katara is the one who knows the most about forgiving him, who most keenly feels the change he underwent since his betrayal in the catacombs. And so he stands, still nervous but no longer afraid, facing forward towards the future instead of back into his past.

Iroh and Zuko’s relationship is one of the most important ones throughout the entire show, so to see Katara play a pivotal role in a critical point in their dynamic shows just how important Katara’s character is to Zuko (and vice versa, though in here I do touch upon the former in more detail).

Although my analysis on the self-disclosure between Zuko and Katara may have run away from me a bit (due to my love for far-too-in-depth critical analysis), these all show an undeniable bond between Zuko and Katara, displaying a profound friendship rooted in narrative parallels, mutual understanding, and interwoven character arcs. Ultimately, their fulfillment of perceived similarities, pair rapport, and (the one I rambled most on) self-disclosure is what establishes Zuko and Katara as not just a strong platonic bond -- but one that has the potential to transition into a romantic one.

Thus concludes my essay on Zutara’s friendship and its connection with the initial stages of intimacy that are shared between both platonic and romantic bonds. After all that analysis, it would be remiss to simply dismiss the Zutara dynamic as one that would instantly become toxic should they pursue a romantic relationship.

That being said, I will explore the possibility of a romantic relationship between Zuko and Katara and how this connects to the latter stages of intimacy -- role-taking, interpersonal role fit, and dyadic crystallization -- in part 2 of this meta-analysis. Click on the link if you want to read it!

Part 2

Works Cited

(only partially in MLA 8 format because I want to live a little)

Close Relationships: A Sourcebook. By Clyde A. Hendrick & Susan S. Hendrick. Link

“Nonverbal behavior in intimate interactions and intimate relationships.” By P.A Andersen, Laura K. Guerrero, & Susanne M. Jones. Link

“On Becoming ‘More Than Friends’: The Transition From Friendship to Romantic Relationship.” By Laura K. Guerrero & Paul A. Mongeau. Link

The Psychology of Intimacy (The Guilford Series on Personal Relationships). By Karen J. Prager. Link

(If you check some of these links, you may note a few of these sources have been cited quite a few times. With just a bit more research, it appears possible to find a plethora of other sources to corroborate the theory of shared platonic-romantic intimacies.)

Thank you all for reading!

#atla #atla meta #zutara #zutara meta #my bated breath analyzes #research on relationship intimacy #influenced by academic writing #i have more metas coming soon #but until then you can find that i do other writing as well #like fanfiction #check out my fanfiction on the My Writing tab on my blog #please like and reblog to prove Zutara with Facts and Evidence everyone #my bated breath's posts

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violethowler · 4 years

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Whenever a post talking about why fandom should focus more on non-romantic relationships cross my dash, I always feel uncomfortable. Only a few present legitimate arguments instead of trying to win a ship war, and I’m still leery of reblogging those because they act as if the problem they’re talking about can be solved if only people could be less obsessed with shipping. It kind of annoys me because it feels like they’re completely overlooking the fact that fandom is not a monolith in favor of watering the issues down to a simple “shipping bad”.

I can’t speak for what the people posting these takes have experienced, but most of the people I know in fandom are entirely capable of enjoying fandom through a story’s non-romantic relationships and shipping their favorite romantic pairings at the same time. Shocking, I know. In my experience the reason shipping seems to dominate fandom discussions is primarily been because on sites like Tumblr and Twitter where controversy and arguments generate more user engagement, shipping tends to be the easiest thing to start an argument over. It’s hard to stir the pot over people enjoying Found Family or some other non-romantic character dynamic, but it’s almost guaranteed that there will be assholes who will send you hate mail and harassment if they don’t like the pairing you ship. And a lot of shippers respond to that by waving their shipping flag higher. They start talking about their ships more as a “fuck you” to the bullies who tell them to choke and die for shipping a different pairing.

And the most alienating thing to me, as a bisexual man in fandom, is when posts complaining about shipping zero in on queer ships and talk about the importance of representing emotionally intimate platonic friendships between men in fiction. Because only three times in as many years have I seen anyone bring up that talking point and actually present legitimate issues. Every other person I’ve seen talk about it has been using that phrase as a weapon against queer fans. And every single one of them is accompanied by comments like:

“Why does everything have to be gay?”

“They’re not gay”

“Stop making it gay”

“Please don’t make it gay”

And other variations of this sentiment.

My own fandom experience with conversations about “platonic male friendship” in fiction has been with assholes trying to win a ship war between an M/M pairing and M/F one. And the majority of the shippers of the M/M pairing in my two biggest fandoms that have these kinds of ship wars are queer people who look at the relationship between these two characters and see echoes of our own experiences. Yet rarely have my mutuals in one of those fandoms been able to go more than a couple of weeks without someone trying to bully us for not interpreting the story the CorrectTM way. I know that everyone likes to think that fandom is completely accepting of queer people, but fandom is basically a bunch of smaller communities in a trenchcoat. Not every fandom is the same, and some are aggressively heteronormative at best, or openly homophobic at worst.

In fandoms that draw lots of people from outside of the usual tumblr demographics, it’s taken as a given that a guy and a girl will inevitably get together with little or no buildup written into the story, yet the suggestion that two guys whose relationship receives so much focus in the story that their female love interests feel like cardboard cutouts might be or become a couple is met with laughter and scorn. In some fandoms the creator even mentioning a desire to include queer characters in future stories is met with cries of “Forced Diversity!” and “Pandering to SJWs”, as if no creator ever willingly chooses to write queer characters or relationships.

Fans who see and want those relationships to be romantic are told again and again that it will never happen. That we’re reaching for something that isn’t there. That any subtext we see only exists because the creator is from a different, non-western culture where physical and emotional intimacy between platonic friends is more common. That the M/F ship is the story’s inevitable endgame and the creator is just a shitty writer who doesn’t understand romance. That even if by random chance the queer subtext was intentional, the corporate executives would never allow it to be made explicit.

Back in March, one asshole spammed the ship tag on Twitter for my current OTP with the same screenshot of the fandom’s most popular M/F ship, and after his account was reported for spam, tweeted that one of the characters in the M/M ship, the deuteragonist of the story, should be killed off because, in this asshole’s words “he’s useless and only queer people like him.” When another fan of the M/F ship called him out, the asshole accused them of “siding with the f**s.”

The fact that so many people have proven incapable of talking about “platonic male friendship” in fiction without also insisting that the character must be cisgender and heterosexual sends a message to queer fans like me that “platonic friendship between men” is something reserved for straight cis men only. That there is no place for us to see ourselves in the stories we love even if it wasn’t the creator’s intention. That we should be happy with what little crumbs that mainstream entertainment chooses to give us. That any part of a story where we feel seen is never anything more than an accident. That people like me are not welcome in fandoms where the story didn’t include us from the start.

I’m not saying people can’t be critical of trends in fandom, but those who are need to be mindful of the fact that fandom doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Every trend and attitude in fandom is a reaction to something happening to people either in real life or elsewhere in fandom. Not everyone’s experiences are universal, and there are still fandoms where queer people have to deal with heteronormative double standards and homophobic bashing toward our ships. If people want to have a nuanced conversation about ways to make everyone’s fandom experiences more positive and welcoming, the bigger picture needs to be acknowledged instead of acting like shipping itself is the problem.

#shipping discourse #personal experience #personal anecdote #my thoughts #fandom is complicated

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abthepoet · 5 years

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All my friends are dead.

Something strange is trending in my life.

All my friends die.

At the beginning of my sophmore year in college, my roommate from freshman year died tragically in a single vehicle car crash. Her name was Allison Lynam. We called her Blake. She was sassy and funny and I wish I would've taken more time to know her.

The rain was torrential the night she died. I swear I've never seen it rain that hard ever again in my life. She drove to the store along Highway 36 in Long Branch,NJ. She had off campus housing that year and had to use the highway often. The road was terribly flooded the night she died. Im told she hydroplaned, spun, and T-boned the driver side smack into an electrical pole. Her family still decorates it.

At that very same moment, in my dorm room nearby, I was watching TV when the lights suddenly flickered and dimmed. A brown out.

I had no idea but that was my friend crashing into a pole and dying. She was 19 years old.

I know this because that accident happened near the mall. That accident killed the power to nearby businesses.

I later found out that the road she died on was so badly flooded, the police intended to close it. Why they didnt get to it in time, I'll never know. Maybe that's fate.

Then there was Jessica Blain. Jessica Blain was a firecracker of a human being. She was 100% unmistakable. One of the loudest, funniest, most loyal people and friends I have ever met. She was also an incredibly gifted singer and I was lucky enough to have Chorus with her. We, along with a small group of friends, founded a new greek organization on our campus, Alpha Xi Delta. We were paired up as Twins. (you can't have Bigs & Littles when you're just starting the Family Tree). We named the family we formed Fuck Up Your Shit. Because that's what we'd do for a friend. I miss her laugh most of all. It was loud and unapologetic. She was there for me, supportive, and encouraging without me ever having to ask. The night I officially finished college we all went out to the local gay club, The Colosseum. I got wasted, of course. But Jess was the person who when I shouted 'I have to pee' on the ride home, she stopped and knocked on strangers doors and asked to let me use their bathrooms. Nobody said yes so she held my hand while I peed on a fence instead. I remember the last time we spoke. She was at a concert with a mutual friend. We hadn't spoken much since I graduated, she was still in school.

She died in her dorm room bed on Halloween as a result of asphyxiation during an epileptic seizure. She was 20 years old. The news was broken to me that very same Halloween night as I floated along in NY on a concert cruise. The World/Inferno Friendship Society decided to host Hallowmas, their annual event, on a boat this year. Nothing like being trapped on a musical boat while you grieve. I had messaged her AIM late that night to say hi. She had an away message up. I may have sent a message to a dead person. I miss her friendship more than I realize sometimes.

That brings us to James Padden. James was a warm, snuggly bear of a guy who always tried to do the right thing and let me steal his hoodies. He insantly became my best friend in a Stepbrothers-esque manner. I met James working overnights at Wawa in Leonardo, NJ. I forget how it started now, but we were standing in front of the deli and I think I tossed him a broom or he already had one. . . I cant remember now.. . . but he just took one look at me with that mischievous little twinkle that I quickly returned and we instantly began sword fighting with our brooms. Like two little boys playing pretend and having a ball. He was sweet and silly and kind. I needed a ride, and he loved to drive. Our first winter as friends, we went out doing donuts in the snow. I barely knew him, but I felt safe. We smoked a ton of weed and had so many adventures trying to procure more. One time, we got so high driving to a Dropkick Murphys concert in NY we kept going in circles, missed almost the entire show save for the last 3-5 numbers, and had a blast. I can barely remember the night, but I remember laughing hard in that car. No one could talk to me like James. We were both insecure being chubby kids and adults, but so charismatic and grandiose that I sometimes thought we were the only two who would put up with listening to each others wild ideas and ridiculous banter. We would smoke joints and take adderall and talk about everything and anything. I miss the safety and closeness I felt with him. We were always 100% platonic, but we could nap together, I could walk into his house and jump on him in bed and wake him up. Then we would cook ourselves a breakfast feast and hit the beach. He taught me to always take the back roads. I gave him advice on the ladies. He taught me about fixing cars. I helped shave his back. He called his new pick up truck, a pick'um up truck. We could wax philosophical all damn day and not get sick of each other.

It wasnt just driving he loved, it was going fast. Like so many young white men, he had tendency to be a little reckless. The universe gave him a pass only so many times.

I'll never forget when he got his motorcycle. It was the last time I saw him. It was a bright green crotch rocket. He loved lime green. I was doing yoga in the living room when I heard this obnoxious engine rev down my street. I asked myself, who the hell is making this noise?! And it was James, grinning from ear to ear with a matching helmet on his shiny new toy.

before he left I said, 'you die on that thing, I'll bring you back to life and kill you." I remember giving him this very long and intentional hug and not knowing why I felt compelled to hang on.

When he left and hopped back on the bike, I felt compelled again and took a video of him riding away from my driveway until he was entirely out of sight.

That's my very last memory of him alive. James Padden died on Thanksgiving five days after his 25th birthday. He went out for a joyride on his bike before dinner, opened up to 100mph around a curve where he couldn't see a car pulling out around the bend in time. They called a medevac, but he died on scene. I loved James dearly and I regret drifting apart after we both left Wawa and I started a new relationship. He had stuff too, but in hindsight it never seems important.

Then there's JB. I will always remember JB for his kindness and generosity. The very first time I finally worked up the nerve to go to a poetry slam, I was alone and terrified. I had no idea what to expect. JB was the very first person to turn around, introduce himself, and welcome me. He made me feel like I belonged. Years later, when I won the title of Grand Slam Champion, he immediately offered to help coach me for national competition. Except, I didn't see the messages and left them unanswered, which I deeply regret. When I started hosting my own open mic a few years after that, JB would be one of the only people to consistently come support the show both as an audience member and participant. It was at a pizza joint and he would sometimes buy me food when I had no money. He wrote beautiful poems about his two young daughters and how much they inspired him. JB always tried to make people laugh but you could tell he carried a sadness. I did not get details, but from what I have gathered he made a choice to end his life. I wish I would have gotten closer to him and appreciated him more as a friend and person. I wonder if he felt no one cared about him and I feel like I should've let him know more.

Which brings us to Crys. Crystopher Anthony Diaz was a Scorpio with a big heart and a big personality. I met him on Myspace back in the day and started Web camming. We became friends and eventually fell into this gray area of friends, together, but not. It wasn't long before I was spending days at his place, killing hours at a time downloading music, making Wawa runs, and smoking weed with his roommate at the time, Syd. You know, the whole reason I worked at Wawa was Crys suggesting it. And Wawa is the reason I met James. Crys was unlike anyone I'd ever met. He was poetic and artistic and loved animals, especially pit bulls. He loved to draw and write and had this very out loud style that favored Earth tones. He taught me about fashion and insisted on getting dressed even if it was 1am and we were just going to Wawa because you never know who you might see. We would buy new clothes at Walmart and have photo shoots. That boy drank his weight in coffee daily. If it's one thing I'll always remember him for, it's the dancing. Dancing was a passion of his and always used to talk about wanting to form a dance crew. Eventually, we ended up living together for four years. My first apartment was with him in this piece of shit duplex rented to us by a slumlord in Keansburg,NJ. My relationship with him was always defined by our Aries/Scorpio dynamic and he never let me forget it. His birthday was October 30th, mischief night. One time, after we had moved into a new place, we decided to get revenge on our old downstairs neighbor by taking a finished lobster carcass and throwing it on his lawn. . . . . . . Keansburg had a terrible stray cat problem. 😁

I have so many memories with Crystopher. Unfortunately, towards the end of our relationship things became too tumultuous. We had too much unresolved baggage and trauma to find a healthy place emotionally together. We were so financially strained for a time we hardly ate. And then when he met his new girlfriend Laura, she introduced him to her good friend, Roxy. As in Roxcicet. aka Blues. Neither of us knew what that even was at the time. But he sure learned quick. He started using them pretty frequently as time went on, and things only got more complicated. My mental health took a nose dive. By the time I moved out our relationship was trash. I basically left. At the time, I didnt have a choice. things had gotten so bad between us, the money, the using . . . we didn't act like friends anymore.

I saw him a couple times at his new place but that was years ago. Since then, he went through a lot, including homelessness and more struggles with addiction to opiates. He reached out to me and sent me a message apologizing for everything a couple years back. I never responded. I was afraid I would let him back into my life and let the all the problems back in. I didnt trust where he was at in his life. We lost touch and stopped speaking.

His ex, who used to live with us and became my friend, messaged me and told me he died a few days ago. He was 35. I'm still waiting for information, but it may have been drug related. I'm not even sure where I'm at with how I feel. I know why we stopped talking. It was the right thing to do at the time. But he didnt deserve to die so young, having spent the last god knows how many months homeless. It's fucking with me so hard because we never resolved anything. I loved this person so fucking much and we never made peace. Of everyone I've lost, he was the closest to me. I've had a lot of people die on me but none that I lived with and shared a life with. I have more memories with him than I can handle and while I know we hadn't spoken in years and why, I still wish I would've said something. Done something. Yes, i needed healthy boundaries but he needed somebody. when is being firm too firm? If we would've helped, could it have been different? But we didn't want to help at the time, you try to be tough and draw a line. Be firm. Not let yourself be taken advantage of. But is that a defense? Did that defensiveness leave a human being who's head i used to scratch until he fell asleep out in the cold to get sicker and die?

What am I supposed to learn from all this Universe? Why do you take my friends so young and so tragically? I'm only 35, I'm too young to have this much loss.

Because these are just the major players I've lost. It doesnt include my cousin Jared, who died being reckless on a motorcycle at 21 two years ago. I was 15 when he was born. I loved that baby, he used to bite my nose. But his family lived far, so I rarely saw him growing up. Last time I saw him was at my grandfather's funeral. He didn't remember me and the nose biting.

And then there's Marcos who we used to chill with. He worked delivery for our favorite chinese food place. He was a nice kid who lived with his grandparents. We would get food, smoke weed, hang out a little. Even used to buy it off him for a while. Eventually he got into the opiates too, he even wound up being good friends with Crys and being Blue buddies. But eventually Marcos died from an opiate overdose. He was in his mid twenties.

I didnt want to include Ricky because he was more of an acquaintance for me, he was more my partners childhood friend. But god damn, in the time I knew Ricky that kid was a riot. He was loud and funny and definitely marched to the beat of his own drum. Drugs took him too.

Thanks for reading all this if you've made it this far. It's taken me about two hours to type this out on my phone. but i needed to. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk

#death #story #story prompt #grief #friends #loss #love #dying #grieving #sad #lessons #life lessons #writeblr #writing #compose

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gottaenjoythelittlethingzz · 5 years

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Character Interview: Smut Edition

The interview no one asked for. This is mainly an exercise for me to get back into writing for Schuyler and get a handle on her voice. Answering 60 questions completely in Schuyler’s voice.

#28 will shock you! ;)

1. How old were you when you went on your first date?

“Define date. Technical my first hook up was at a party and I talked to the guy for like, ten minutes. I was 17. But I didn’t have a romantic relationship until I met my partners at 28. And none of us are exceptionally romantic, at least not in the classic sense. Our dates are when we decide to ride out to the desert for a picnic. Go to Vegas for a weekend. My first ‘dinner and a movie’ wasn’t until I was...30, maybe.”

2. Who was your idol when you were growing up? Who did you first fantasize about in your life?

“John Travolta. It was Grease and then Wild Hogs. Very classy.”

3. Would you consider yourself straight, gay, bi, or other?

“Bisexual and polyamorous. And I found out at different times in my life.”

4. Do you currently have a lover? What is their name, and what is your relationship like? What are they like? Why are you attracted to them?

“I have two and it’s not for the faint of heart. I’m all for exploring sexuality, but unless you’re serious I wouldn’t recommend attempting to be in my position.

Chibs and Tig. They are both noticeably older than I myself am, but Chibs is the oldest. They had a relationship prior to me. But there are some days that even they forget that.

I’m attracted to both of them because they are so different from each other and they are very different from me. They each check certain boxes for me that individually neither of them could. No individual on their own really could. We all kinda do that for each other and I think that’s why polyamory works for us. Our relationship is balanced in that way.

I wouldn’t say we are co-dependent, but we depend on each other for a lot. We met through work. We have the same friends and family. We’re around each other a lot.

The sex isn’t bad either. We have a semi-open relationship. We’re free to have sexual relationships, but we’ve agreed not to open our relationship to other romantic partners. We keep each other busy as it is. We check each other’s boxes in that way too.”

5. Who was the first person you had sex with? When did it happen? What was it like? How well did it go?

“Some guy at a party when I was 17. I led him to the back of my truck. He came and I didn’t, but it was ok because we were on the clock. We were kinda racing his twin sister and my older brother, Beau, who were in another car about two car lengths down beside us. Not my best story, but it is my first.”

6. Have you ever had a same-sex experience? Who with, what was it like, and how did it go?

“Course. My first girl went a lot smoother than my first guy. I was 22 and she was 24, I think, and I was not her first. She was sweet.”

7. What is your deepest, most well-hidden sexual fantasy? Would you ever try?

“Normally I’m very dominant. With the company I keep I’ve had to learn to be socially and it translated sexually. But, I kinda like the idea of being choked. I would never try it with just some hook up. Especially not with a man. Which leads to a glaring issue since I want to be choked by a man.

My sexual relationship with my partners is interesting because we don’t always stick to our roles. I might consider, attempting, that with Chibs just because I know he’s the only man I’ve ever felt completely secure with in such an intimate way. That’s not to say I don’t trust Tig in the same way. We just have a different dynamic and I know he tends to lean towards submission and he needs us to stay that way to feel secure.

I just don’t know how to breech that conversation. And I wouldn’t want to without knowing that we could return to our normal dynamic because I can’t be submissive, at least not in that way, all the time and I know he doesn't want me to be.”

8. What was the wildest thing you’ve ever done, sexually? Who was it with and when did it happen?

“Depends on what you personally view as “wild”. I’ve been to a sex club, once. A proper one in England with performers and company brands and the like. That was crazy, but in the best way. I’ve had multiple partners at a time and had sex in multiple public locations in multiple countries. I like to think I’ve done a lot, but I know that isn’t true either. I’m just going to keep finding new experiences with new people.”

9. Is there any sexual activity that you enjoy and/or practice regularly that can be considered non-standard? (Bondage, Fantasy Play, etc.) Why do you like it?

“(Openly laughs) Back to checking those boxes. Um, pegging is fun. With the right equipment I can check just as many boxes as my partners can.”

10. Is there any sexual activity that you will not, under any circumstances, do?

I’ve been known to explore the shallows of the BDSM community. Light bondage and impact play. I’m not opposed to spankings, especially if my partner at the time needs that. But I have never and will never hit someone I have any sort of relationship with in the face. Open, closed fist, or with an object, the thought would just never occur to me. That rule extends to relationships outside of sexual and romantic ones, but that’s another discussion entirely.”

11. What is more important - sex or intimacy? Why?

“If you had asked me before I met my partners I would have said sex because that’s all I was looking for. These days I’m practicing compersion. I’m a big fan. Intimacy is so important, I think even more important in a polyamorous relationship, for maintaining healthy, open communication.”

12. Do you use endearments? (For partners or in general?)

“In general I tend to use individual endearments for different sexes and different partners. I tend to use “sweetheart” and “honey” as insults whether that comes across or not.

My favorite nickname that my partners call me is “Ma’am”.”

13. What’s the worst thing you’ve done to someone you love?

“Lie. No matter the reason. Even if it worked out in the end. That doesn’t make lying right.”

14. What’s the part of your partner’s body you like the most?

“What they want me to answer, what I’m suppose to answer, and what I want to answer are all different answers. But I do like the same features pretty equally on both. No one can say that I don’t have a type.”

15. Ever wake up next to someone you instantly regretted sleeping with?

“There’s this one girl from high school. And she hasn’t left since. Became a Croweater because of me. I honestly try to feel bad for her, but she makes it incredibly hard to.”

16. What kind of birth control do you use? Have you ever got an STD from a previous partner?

“Ever since my second abortion I’ve been dependent on the arm implant. The abortions were before my partners and I can’t risk being careless for their own sake. Per our agreement, I always use condoms when I am not with my partners. Thankfully I’ve never contracted STDs and it’s nearly impossible now with how cautious my older partner is.”

17. Which is more important to you - boobs or butts?

“Boobs, toned chests, collar bones. Really the prime hickies areas above the waist.”

18. Have you ever skinny dipped?

“There is the interesting trend in my life where I started out bathing naked with my brothers when we were really little, then we started doing it in bathing suits in our teens, and now that we’re grown we’re back to walking around naked in front of each other.

I’ve skinny dipped with friends and its been totally platonic and I’ve skinned dipped with sex partners.”

18. What’s the most erotic thing your significant other does?

“This may be hard to explain.

Tig wears these leather wrist cuffs (*Schuyler starts rubbing her own wrist) that very easily draw my attention to his hands no matter where they are. When he’s relaxed, he stands with a hand on the handle of his knife. When he’s attempting to appear intimidating, he stands with his hands crossed in front of his waist, one hand clutching the other’s wrist or both clutching his belt buckle. And both actions are somehow simalteously dominate and submissive in aesthetic and action. That’s the best way I could possible describe him. A delicate mixture of both.

With Chibs, he does this thing when he is thinking, and I mean really deep in thought, he gets this sort of look on his face, his eyebrows knit together, and he opens his mouth in a way that’s just a hair shy of his ‘O’ face. And its really hot.

Between the two of them, it’s these little things they do when they don’t even realize they’re being watched, that I find attractive.”

19. After being intimate are you a sleeper or ready for more?

“It’s funny because both my partners have a higher sex drive then me despite the fact that they’re older. I argue that it’s because I work more, but that isn’t necessarily true. I’m a sleeper and I am not a cuddler by any means. The good news is it makes me a giver during the actual act. They often joke that I “cum like a man” and complain about having to entertain each other when I’m done.”

20. What turns you on almost instantly?

“Smoking and watching my partners, specifically, commit acts of violence, like boxing or a bit more than that. Yeah, I know.”

21. Would you rather have sex with the lights on or off?

“On! But I want my partner to be comfortable.”

22. Would you rather give oral sex, or receive it?

“Give it! With fervor.”

23. Would you rather be on top, or underneath?

“Top. I like directing.”

24. Have you ever used sex aids in bed? Would you use them with your current partner? Which ones?

“Besides toys and lube, I don’t believe I have. I’d be more than willing if it was for the benefit of my partner. I made the mistake of introducing my partners to sexually enhancing marijuana products. I don’t smoke weed, but both my partners do and they will try to get me to smoke it until the day I die. And they’re trying to convince me that the enhancements are not the same as smoking, so ‘its fine’. I still disagree.”

25. Have you tried anal? Would you?

“Regularly. And double penetration and double vaginal penetration. I would say it is because I ‘have to’, but that would be a lie.”

26. Have you ever tried bondage? Would you?

“I’ve been known to swipe a pair of hand cuffs off pigs’ belts when they aren’t looking. I don’t known as much about the practices as I’d like to and don’t practice BDSM half as much as I think about it. It’s been mainly tame stuff.”

27. Have you used food in sex play?

“I like ice because I’m very hot natured. I actually prefer cigarettes to food.”

28. Would you rather have sex with your other half’s best friend or with your best friend?

“Well since the answer to both are two of my older brothers (by choice and name, not blood) either would be awkward. I suppose my other half’s best friend since I’ve known that guy for less time. I’m pretty sure his wife would finally kill me though. Hell that might make it worth the trouble. Just to piss her off.”

29. Would you rather have sex with one person watching or with fifty people watching?

“I feel like if it was a playback recording situation or even live streamed in separate rooms the number doesn’t matter. I’ve been known to have sex in rooms with up to fifty people around, but they’re usually occupied and more than likely know or are under instructions to ignore me. But if I had the choice then it would be one. Then I could perform and tailor the experience to that person. At that point it would be more of a game.”

30. Would you rather be in a relationship with a totally submissive partner or a dominant partner?

“That’s the brilliance of my relationship. I more or less have both. But if I had to choose it would be a submissive partner.”

31. Would you rather kiss your boss or have your significant other kiss them?

“Knowing the bosses I have had I would much rather someone else do it for me, even my SO. I don’t really get jealous in that way and I kind of like to watch my partners with other people.”

32. Would you rather pursue a life where you could only ever have sex with one partner in the same position in the same bedroom or have sex with a completely different person every time?

“A different person every single time.”

33. Have you ever gone a whole day without wearing underwear?

“I always go commando when I go to concerts and sometimes under my scrubs just because they’re comfortable.”

34. Where’s the strangest place you’ve had sex?

“A motorcycle? Not mine, because I respect the machine, but on other people’s bikes.”

35. What’s one thing you do with your partner that you could never give up?

“Midnight drives out to the desert. Or movie nights.”

36. When was the last time your SO was in one of your dreams?

“Before we moved in together.”

37. Would you rather make out with someone else or watch your significant other make out with someone?

“Both. We can take turns.”

38. What time of day are you interested in sex: morning, afternoon, night?

“Afternoon because I’m the most awake and it gives me an excuse to shower and do chores, afterwards.”

39. Have you ever had sex in a public place?

“It’s a frequent occurrence.”

40. Would you rather sleep with someone much older than you, or simply never have sex during your life time?

“My partners are 17 and 13 years older than me, respectively. I’ve always looked at men who are older than me and women who are about my age, but I don’t mind older women for their experience. When it comes down to it I’m taking home whoever is looking good on the night. I wouldn’t give up sex based on something so superficial.”

41. Would you rather be a virgin until you are 40 and subsequently have the most amazing sexual partners of a lifetime, or would you rather have the most amazing sexual partners until you are 40 and then never have sex again?

“I don’t plan on living very long past 40, so the former.”

42. Would you rather remain a virgin until marriage and have a spectacular sexual partner or remain unmarried for the rest of your life and have a ton of great sexual partners who never love or commit to you?

“I don’t personally believe in marriage for a slew of related and unrelated reasons. And I’m all about experiences, so the later.”

43. Would you rather only ever have sex in bed or only ever have sex outside the bedroom?

“Beds are nice.”

44. Would you rather have sex in the kitchen or living room?

“Living room. Apparently I like furniture.”

45. Do you check out your SO when they walk away?

“No, but it’s mainly for posturing and protection.”

46. Do you think you’re a good kisser?

“I get by.”

47. What’s your favorite position and why?

“Cowboy. I like to do all the work, I like the view, and I make for an even better one.”

48. What is it about a person that sexually attracts you?

“Humor and intelligence. A good head of hair doesn’t hurt.”

49. What’s your darkest sexual fantasy?

“I’m kinda into knife and blood play, but I have never attempted either.”

50. How many orgasms have you had in one session? How many sessions have you had in one day?

“I think my record is four in a setting. And the most sessions I’ve ever attempted in a day is three. And doing both is easier with three people who are relaxed because they are on vacation and eager to please. That was basically the formula for our tenth anniversary.”

51. Are you noisy in bed?

“No because I’m so focused on making sure my partner is as loud as they are comfortable being.”

52. Do you think virginity is something to be respected, or do you think it’s a nuisance?

“I think it is artificial and you should get rid of it as soon as you (legally) can. It’s fake, but also a hassle to carry around.”

53. What’s the longest amount of time you have been abstinent?

“6 months.”

54. Have you ever had angry sex with your SO or another person), was it good?

“Angry sex is always good. I’ve for sure hate fucked at least guy who was a client and that’s how I discovered that I couldn’t sleep with cliental anymore. I don’t think I’ve ever had angry sex with either of my partners, though they might have been angry once or twice...”

55. Are you a greedy lover? In what way?

“I like my partners to be vocal and I like knowing that it’s because of me.”

56. Do you ever pleasure your lover without satisfying yourself too?

“All the time. Usually due to a time constraint.”

57. What’ s the best part of oral sex with your SO?

“How eager they are to please me.”

58. Have you ever had drunken or drugged sex?

“Drunk sex is just another Friday night. My partners are high 9/10 times, but I’ve personally only ever purposely gotten high once and it was before I met them. Unless you count contact high, then maybe I’ve been high during sex.

And both of my partners have been known to, partake in the use of, we’ll say ‘heavier’ drugs recreationally. I will not have sex with them when they are influenced - in that way. And they do it less now because I refuse to have sex with them while they are high.”

59. What’s the best kiss you’ve ever had?

“(Looks around for eyes on her) “This will get me into trouble. But it was after Chibs came back from his, we’ll call it a business trip, to Ireland. I was suppose to go and didn’t. And I’ve never been more relieved to see him.”

60. What’s the best sex you’ve ever had?

“That’s a safer question. And arguably more fun. It was between both my partners. It was the night Tig got out of Stockton. He was inside for 14 months and the only time he’s ever been inside without Chibs. For like a week after I didn’t think I was going to let him go, so he gave me this wicked hickie on my neck to carry around. That’s the longest any of us have ever been apart and we don’t plan to let it happen again.”

#writeblr #my ocs #writer #fanfiction oc #writblr community #Smut #character interview #random oc fact #ask me about schuyler

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eichy815 · 6 years

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He Ain’t Imaginary – He’s My Brother!

Originally Published on March 30, 2016 on Eichy Says

One of my biggest social pet peeves is the common depiction of males as needy children who are highly dependant on women for security and affection. We’ve all heard the gynocentric cliché:

“Men need women more than women need men.”

I find this generalization to be very insulting. It’s true that boys and men can become very close to our mothers, sisters, and (for the heterosexual dudes) wives. My own mom is one of the most important people in my life. And some of you know that I have one younger sister, who constantly entertains and reassures me.

But what about all of the women out there who make their husbands or boyfriends their priority in life – the same way men can make their wives or girlfriends their priority?

I’ve always wished I’d had a brother (or two, or three). In the same way I would have “imaginary friends” in middle school (since I found myself ostracized from so many social circles), I would also picture myself navigating my way through adolescence and horsing around with “imaginary brothers” of my own.

As a connoisseur of television, there are two particularly touching depictions of brotherhood that I’ve observed on two of my favorite TV shows.

The first is that experienced by Jude Adams-Foster (Hayden Byerly) on Freeform’s family drama, The Fosters. Jude is a young San Diego teenager who is just coming to terms with his homosexuality. He and his older biological sister are adopted into a household headed by two lesbians; Jude’s two older adopted brothers, Jesus (Noah Centineo) and Brandon (David Lambert), are compassionate toward his struggles and social challenges.

Jude, Brandon, and Jesus tease and quarrel with each other, just like any biological brothers would...but the fact that Jude is gay never stigmatizes the love that his two older adopted brothers have for him.

The second example is a more recent TV newcomer: ABC’s The Real O’Neals, a single-camera comedy that debuted earlier this month. Unlike The Fosters (which is more serious in tone), The Real O’Neals has a campier vibe in the rein of The Middle, Fresh Off the Boat, and The Goldbergs. Kenny O’Neal (Noah Galvan) is a gay Chicago teenager who has just come out to his Irish-Catholic family.

While Kenny’s mother is farcically homophobic, his older brother, Jimmy (Matt Shively), has given Kenny a ton of heartfelt-if-awkward support. Jimmy is a “dumb jock” archetype who has realized he’s borderline-anorexic; but Jimmy’s affection for Kenny – while sandwiched with fraternal ribbing and absurdities – doesn’t waver.

One of my greatest regrets in life is not having been able to grow up with a biological brother – or multiple brothers. I don’t fault my parents for this, as I can understand why any married couple would decide that two children are enough for them to handle.

On top of that, the fact that I’m not close to my dad – and that I don’t feel comfortable sharing intimate details of my life with him – is more of a testament to his own harsh personality.

I think that the void pervading my life due to the absence of having any older and/or younger brothers was a large motivation in my decision to pledge a fraternity in college. It’s also a driving force behind why I have closer platonic friendships with males (specifically those who belong to my own generation, and the generations bordering mine) compared to platonic friendships with females.

The fact that I’m gay is secondary to this dynamic...although it certainly does shape my perspective. There are many gay guys out there who feel more comfortable having mostly platonic female friends – so I’m certainly not claiming to experience the world’s only fulfilling dynamic of friendship.

Still, I won’t waver from my position that there are immensely compelling reasons why men need EACH OTHER just as much as we need women. I’m sure many females would, similarly, make the argument that women need EACH OTHER for support and camaraderie just as much as they need men for those purposes.

Some of the reasons why brotherhood can be so valuable and beneficial to those of us with Y-chromosomes:

MORAL SUPPORT

As much as females can offer us great friendships, you really have to be a dude to understand what life is like for other dudes.

Granted, not every male person is going to be compassionate or sympathetic; so not every guy would be an ideal friend or confidante. But, in general, there are certain topics about which we, as men, are going to be more open when we’re around one another in all-male spaces. If you’re skeptical: spend time (or plant a tape recorder) in any locker room or steam room. Although not every stranger will immediately open up to everyone around him, a lot of this deep dialogue tends to develop over time as we become better acquainted with other males in these types of environments.

SEX TALK

“Male-only” spaces also provide a “safe” place for guys to talk about sexual techniques, positions, or objects-of-our-affection. Granted, most of this open conversation will be heterosexual in nature. But even as a homosexual, I enjoy being included in these discussions because it shows me that my male friends (or even male acquaintances) are comfortable with me.

But there’s a deeper reason: growing up, I never had a male role model to give me “The_Sex_Talk.” Since my father and I weren’t close (and, subconsciously, he probably suspected and struggled with the possibility of me being gay), that never happened (and I’m glad it didn’t!). However, I definitely would have felt more secure and self-confident from a much younger age if I’d had a slightly-older brother to give me sex advice (yes, even if he was heterosexual and not speaking from his direct experience).

Dudes understand each other when it comes to our primal sexual needs: masturbation, aesthetic pleasure, foreplay, and climaxing. We even understand it, on a core level, when interacting with other dudes who happen to have different sexual orientations from our own. My heterosexual “bros” may not be able to share my experience of being attracted to people of the same sex...but they definitely can empathize with the importance of being sexually-satisfied. And, as you can imagine, my gay or bisexual “bros” are the ones with whom I can be even more open, regarding those topic areas.

BODY IMAGE ISSUES

A majority of men have hang-ups about our bodies...whether a guy is willing to openly admit it or not. We either want to lose weight (“slim down”), gain weight (“bulk up”), gain muscle, tone our abs and torsos, tone our buttocks and legs, et. al.

Machismo often makes men reluctant to discuss this subject, even amongst each other. Yet, whenever we are willing to open up to a close buddy (or a casual friend) about our body insecurities, it creates a healthy avenue of dialogue that we can then channel inward to pursue self-improvement.

Growing up, I was never athletic or coordinated. I also had severe dermatological problems: chronic acne on my back and chest. To this day, I still live with those physical (and emotional) scars. And, yes, contrary to popular belief, men do get stretch marks (although normally not with the same intensity as pregnant women do). If dudes would trust other dudes and support one another with positive reinforcements, we’d carry around a lot less stress on a daily basis. This is definitely something that would have benefited me, as a teenager, if I’d grown up with brothers to whom I could have confided about these things.

SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES

In general, males don’t seem to have the same love of shopping that women do. The exception to this rule would be some gay males who love to shop or embrace fashion trends – although, as I’d discussed in my column from last week, that’s still a homosexual stereotype that shouldn’t be automatically assumed...unless you’re aware of a specific gay guy’s personal interests.

I’ve always hated going shopping for clothes...especially with my parents. I don’t enjoy having female friends help me pick out clothing, either. In fact, whenever I go to a department store, I will do whatever I can to steer clear of having to ask the female sales associates for help. To this day, I wear clothing for as long as it will hold out (until it becomes torn or irreparably faded).

If I’d had brothers who could have helped me shop for my wardrobe, as a child and adolescent, perhaps I’d have a somewhat better sense of style today?

AN EMOTIONAL OUTLET

Unlike the title of the movie, boys do cry. It’s just that we’re often discouraged from doing so in front of other people...or in public. There’s still the societal implication that men are supposed to remain stoic and “tough.”

I’ll tell you what I would do, if a male buddy of mine came to me in tears: I’d put my arm around him, and talk with him about whatever was bothering him. And do my best to understand why his stressor is so significant. And then, try to help him find a solution.

RECREATIONAL DIVERSITY

As I’d mentioned earlier, I was never into sports as a kid. While I still don’t believe I necessarily needed to be involved with team sports during my K-12 years, I feel (looking back on it) that I could have benefited from casual recreational activities.

Whether it was tennis, ping pong, hacky sack, weight training, or racquetball – some of these activities might have done wonders for my social life as much as they would have for gaining better physical fitness. Having brothers close to my age with whom I could have done these things would have brought me tremendous personal growth.

To add to that: I never learned to comprehensively swim. Going to a swimming pool or waterpark with brothers – especially if they were the ones actually teaching me how to swim – would have made me extremely comfortable in my own body.

HORSEPLAY & CAMARADERIE

As I’ve gotten older and developed closer friendships with other dudes, one of things I’ve come to value is the opportunity to engage in male bonding opportunities. There are a lot of these activities that I still have yet to experience firsthand, and I still would like to – vacations, road trips, leisure time, and camping/outdoor excursions (but only when the temperature is warm or hot).

I’m sure there’s a female-only equivalent to this dynamic, between sisters or close female friends, as well.

One thing that a dude’s brothers (whether they’re biological or your non-familial “bros”) can give to us is a good dose of humility. Whether it’s making stupid/humiliating bets or daring each other to do crazy things – sort of like the guys from Impractical Jokers or The Janoskians. All the better if it gets videotaped and put on YouTube.

As you can imagine, if it’s just exclusively platonic gay or bisexual “bros” hanging out around each other...the hijinks and debauchery can become even more suggestive.

The unfortunate reality, for me, is that I can’t change how big of a family my parents decided to have.

However, I can embrace the opportunity to spend quality time with “surrogate” brothers – whether they’re fifteen years younger than me or fifteen years older than me.

I would encourage all of you males out there who are reading this to also consider embracing same-sex friendships; and, remember, an “intimate” friendship DOESN’T mean that the friendship is “sexual.”

Inevitably, there are differences in how I’ll conduct myself around my straight male buddies versus my bisexual or gay male buddies. With other gay/bi dudes, I know that I can tell raunchier jokes and be a lot more graphic when talking about sex.

But, regardless of one’s sexual orientation, males everywhere should consider redefining masculinity in terms of the other men to whom we relate, within our social circles.

Everyone has an ego, to one extent or another; the challenge is keeping one’s ego from spiraling out of control. That doesn’t mean we should avoid taking action to help others. On the contrary – being proactive is an important step when aiding friends in overcoming their obstacles. But the challenge – for men and women alike – is how to balance listening to others with finding actual solutions.

Males need to begin supporting other males whom we encounter outside of our biological families, fraternities, or houses-of-worship. The male bonding experience can be universal; sometimes, it can even include strangers or acquaintances.

There’s nothing wrong with friendly competition. But we shouldn’t allow a competitive spirit to overshadow valuing a friend’s self-worth.

We should respect each individual’s skill sets. Not every guy out there can run fast, speak articulately, shoulder heavy weights, swim in deep water, socialize suavely, drink liters upon liters of alcohol, or brainstorm solutions at lightning-speed.

Finally, none of us should be afraid to make ourselves vulnerable when in a “safe space.” I’ll admit that I’ve openly cried tears in front of fraternity brothers, when having an emotional crisis. And, while I still have a lot of insecurities over my body, I’ve gradually been learning how to not stay perpetually hidden behind that towel in the locker room.

Sometimes, dudes just need other dudes with whom we can share in some “guy talk.” And sometimes, it takes a good “bro-date” to get our minds off of life’s troubles.

So don’t crash the sausage party. There’s far more to life than just getting laid.

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