#but because i’m kind and gentle and i like to express myself visually the way that i want to

[mercy-burning]

Your Favorite — Part 1

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader Summary: When Y/N comes home from college for the summer to meet her mom's new boyfriend, she finds herself in a rather tough spot when she can’t stop thinking about him— And it seems he feels the same... Category: SMUT (18+) Content: Adults w/ age gap, masturbation (female and male), minor exhibitionism kink, oral sex (male receiving), penetrative sex, breeding kink (kinda? i think? 😅) Word Count: 7.3k (do you see now why I had to make it a miniseries? alsdjfdk)

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | MASTERLIST

DISCLAIMER: In this story, Spencer is dating Y/N’s mom while also having a sexual relationship with the reader herself. Because of that, there are obvious undertones of cheating, alongside some perv-y tendencies when it comes to a partner’s daughter. That being said, Spencer and Y/N’s relationship is consensual. However— If any of what I just forewarned is something that you think will make you uncomfortable while reading, please do not read! If there are any more disclaimers you think I may have missed, don’t hesitate to tell me! There is another post I made HERE with some disclaimers as well if you want to know more about what this story will entail.

NOTE: This intro is already too long, so I’ll just get this out of the way: you can find visual nsfw inspirations for this story over at @mercy-midnight, I’m working on a playlist for this story on my Spotify @/mercyburning, and I don’t know when part 2 and 3 will be out, but you can assume they’ll be here within the next few weeks.

———

JUNE 5th

I hate my mom's new boyfriend.

For the past three months she'd been telling me about this new guy who's "The One" as if "The One" hasn't been like four other guys in the past two years.

And as much as I'd love for my mom to find someone to spend the rest of her life with, I don't believe she'd ever find Mr. Perfect at this rate. Unless she spent more than a few months with them at a time before dragging me home from college for a weekend to meet them, I really don't see it happening.

It just sucks. Because every time she does this, every time I return home, I see the glimmering hope in her eyes and the diminishing spark in his, and I know. I know it won't last, and her heart will be utterly broken within the span of a few months.

I always thought maybe she just had terrible taste in men.

But this time around, when I begrudgingly walk through the door of my childhood home for the summer and see my mother clinging to a man who returns that glimmer in her eyes, I know she's picked a good one.

And I hate him.

His name is Spencer Reid, and he's a retired FBI agent who teaches full time at local colleges now.

He greets me with a bona fide, radiant smile, unlike all the others before, and it sets my insides on fire. And when we sit down for dinner, he's polite (but not in a fake way,) and he seems genuinely curious about my studies and my personality and my relationship with my mother. And when dinner is finished he offers to clean up while Mom and I settle in the living room.

I see the way he looks at me as I leave, a gentle, closed-mouth smile and eyes that linger a little too long on my exposed legs before averting, a glint of shame pooling within them, and it only spreads that fire in my belly.

Maybe I'd been imagining the whole thing, because deep down I wanted him to look at me the way he had... But it's hard to tell when my brain is mostly setting off sirens, blaring "THIS IS WRONG! THIS IS WRONG!" on a loop with blinding lights.

And they're even louder when my mom wraps her arm around me and lays her head atop mine. "Well, what do you think? He's great, huh?"

She's so lovesick, it hurts. It hurts even worse knowing that all I can think about is his big hands wrapped around my throat while he fucks me into the squeaky twin-sized mattress in my bedroom upstairs.

But I can't tell her that, obviously.

And so I decidedly hate him. And I have no choice but lie to her face, embracing her joy and hoping that I'll be able to survive this summer.

"Yeah, Mom. He's really great."

JUNE 19th

It's been two weeks and I can barely stand to be in the same house anymore.

I try to keep myself busy by going outside, to the beach or for long walks in the park; but it's too hot for my liking, and our town is so small that unless I want to spend my time in the grocery store or one of the three bars on Main Street...

I'm stuck either outside where it's hot and uncomfortable, or in the house where it's also hot and uncomfortable.

We have air conditioning, of course, but that's not the problem.

It's Spencer.

I thought by now my little crush on him would have gone, but the longer he hangs around the house, the stronger my feelings for him grow. They're not romantic—nor do I think they ever could be given the fact that if anything serious really were to ever happen between us, my mom would disown me for the rest of my life and murder Spencer with her bare hands—but that doesn't make it any easier on me.

Every day he just exists, right in front of me with that tug-able mop of hair, those warm honey eyes, and his hands that never stop moving. I swear, it's like every time he breathes, his hands are breathing too, challenging me to try and stop them.

But I refuse to touch him. Because I know the moment I do, all will be lost. I won't be able to control myself anymore. And if I don't drop to my knees and try sucking his dick at the dinner table, I'm sure I'll blurt out how I can't handle it anymore and that I need him, and either way I'd be royally fucked.

Right now he's in the dining room, teaching my mom how to do a disappearing card trick. She thinks it's utterly charming that he can do it at all, but mostly that he's patient and willing enough to teach her. And normally I'd agree, but I can barely look at them without wanting to waltz over, grab his wrist, and suck his fingers into my mouth.

It's truly pathetic.

So I try to focus on the television just a few feet away. It's one of those rare instances where I wish our house was bigger, because while I don't mind having less wall-space between rooms, I do mind not being able to watch TV without the kitchen table in my periphery at a time like this. And I think about going up to my bedroom instead for a moment, but I'd have to go past the kitchen, and I just know Mom is going to ask if I'd want Spencer to teach me his magic trick.

And I most definitely do not want that.

In another life, maybe, where he isn't a hot professor and rather an average-looking dude who's way too into fantasy football... But not in this lifetime.

So there I sit, concentrating so hard on Family Feud that my face hurts.

When I hear a flutter of cards and joyous giggling from the other room, it's more than my face that hurts.

It's also my chest, churning and tensing at the hands of the green devil.

Fuck!

I barely even know this man... I haven't really talked to him because I'm afraid that if I try to hold a conversation I'll snap. He's literally just some hot older guy who's dating my mom, and still, my whole body twists and aches with envy when they do anything together, and it fucking sucks. Not only because of the jealousy, but it's also the fact that my mom deserves to be happy.

This time it's different. This time, she's really found someone who returns her every loving gaze, who makes her laugh, who's kind and genuine and not a total douche. She's happier than I've seen her in years.

And the one time she finally finds "The One", every waking second of my life is spent longing for him fuck me.

But it's only been two weeks.

And it's also been nearly two years since I got laid, so maybe that's just my issue...

I figure it can't hurt, so in a spur of the moment decision, I turn the TV off and sprint towards the stairs, right past Mom and Spencer before they can ask questions.

———

I hardly even register the dimness of the light inside the house by the time I glide up the steps, fumbling with the key and trying to make my entrance as quiet as possible. Though, because I'm so used to the dark by this point, the light—no matter how dim—nearly blinds me. The door shuts louder than I'd have liked, and I cringe inwardly, pausing as if that will keep anyone from seeing or hearing me. Not like it'll matter, considering Mom and Spencer are the only ones that are staying here and they'd also been the only ones aware of my plans for the evening.

Well, somewhat, anyway. I told them an old friend invited me out and I probably wouldn't be home until late.

Regardless, that instinct of trying not to get caught coming in late at night is stronger than common sense. Throw a little cheap beer and some shots into the mix, and it almost feels like I'm a teenager again.

The only thing different now is that I have a pool of some stranger's cum soaking my underwear and a man in front of me who stands like an angel. An exhausted, almost scruffy-looking angel more like, but my point still stands.

"You're up late," Spencer observes. It's a simple enough statement— not really judge-y, but I can tell that regardless of his knowledge of my coming home late, he seems shocked to see me coming through the front door right now.

And it's hard to look away from him. Just like it has been for the past two weeks. Still, I try, just barely avoiding his eyes as I cross my arms and fight the urge to clench my legs together. "I'm a whore. What's your excuse?"

Maybe not the best thing to say. But like I said, common sense? Gone.

"O—oh... Umm..." Spencer stumbles through his words, obviously stunned by my response, and the look in his eyes kind of makes me want to curl up in a ball and die from embarrassment. Still, I stand my ground and wait for him to continue.

He settles on a short, "I can't sleep," and then there's nothing else.

"Ah," I express. One syllable. I don't draw it out, I don't exaggerate it... This is the first real conversation I've had alone with him, and I've made it extremely awkward, so I sigh and take a few steps forward, trying to walk past him. "Okay. Goodnight."

I only make it a few steps before he stops me, his hand reaching out to tap my shoulder. "Wait—"

The touch makes me jump, and he pulls it away immediately as I turn to face him. My heart is racing at the speed of light, my panties are soaked through, and if I'm not careful that whole 'no common sense' thing is going to bite me so hard in the ass I won't have one left.

"Can I talk to you?" His voice is barely audible, and the gentle rasp it has to it seems to make me even more wet.

I nod, not trusting myself to speak.

"Look, I um... Your mom has been totally transparent with me about her relationships, so I know that she's been through a lot of them in a short amount of time... And I know that must be a little difficult for you. Especially now that I'm here... And you've been... distant. And I know that I don't know you that well, so forgive me if I'm assuming anything, but I just want you to know that I don't have any intention of making things difficult for you and your mother."

Too late, pal, I think bitterly, the gentle authority in his tone setting my insides alight. I'm positive that voice could get me to do so many things...

That's the alcohol and sex talking, Y/N, just shake it and move on...

He starts again, but I cut him off with a short wave of my hand. "Look, I... I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I had a really long night, and I'm exhausted. I just wanna shower and go to bed."

I expect more resistance, but Spencer only nods. I still can't bring myself to look him in the eye, though this time I catch his hands clenching at the bottom hem of his shirt. "I understand. Sleep well."

Without another word I turn on my heel and walk a little faster towards the stairs, and I'm about to take my first step when I realize he's followed me. His voice calls out my name softly from a few feet behind, and it stops me in my tracks regardless of my desire to get out of there as fast as I can. And then I turn around and finally look directly at his face.

Big mistake.

His eyes are on my legs again, trailing slowly upwards until he reaches my face. The light over here is dimmer, barely noticeable at all, though I swear I can see red forming on his cheeks.

"I like your dress," he says softly. It's almost meek, like he'd been afraid to say it but took a chance anyway.

It's such a random, small compliment, but with the alcohol and endorphins flowing through my body after the night I'd just had, it nearly makes me quiver.

It also makes me incredibly stupid.

An amused, almost sensual grin forms on my face as I make eye contact with him, and I feel myself throb at the way I can just barely see his throat move. He looks like a deer in headlights, afraid to make one sudden move.

"Turning to flattery to try and win me over, are we?" I say slowly.

I almost think he'll stumble over his words once more, but again he surprises me with a full answer. It's only three words but it's clear, and his voice is deep, and I want to fucking jump his bones right then and there.

"Is it working?"

This has to be the alcohol making me imagine things... I swear I didn't even drink that much tonight, but it has to be an obvious lapse in judgement. The drinking mixed with the sex mixed with the dirty thoughts I've been having about this man lately have to be what's making this feel real. It's all culminating into this one big fantasy (or delusion, more like), and all I need is to shower and sleep it off.

That has to be it.

So because there's no other reasonable explanation that my brain can conjure up, I take a chance and throw Spencer a wink before turning and sprinting up the stairs.

And it's that same seemingly undeniable reasoning for this illusion that doesn't keep my hands from wandering in the shower. Even though those warning sirens in my brain keep blaring, telling me that the common sense is still there for me to utilize, they're drowned out by my thrumming heartbeat and the repetition of Spencer's soothing, authoritative voice, guiding my movements.

Keep rubbing your clit for me, baby... Just like that, nice and slow...

Warm water cascades down the front of my body as I lean back into the wall of the shower, but that's not why I'm so warm. This heat radiates through my insides, spreading like wildfire and bringing out small whimpers and mewls that I know I'll have to contain in fear of waking my mom from her bedroom right next door.

But then the thought of her hearing me next door as I cry out her boyfriend's name only excites me more. I keep it quiet still, but just knowing that someone else is in the house while I'm having these thoughts right now (one of them being the object of said thoughts) is what finally brings me over the edge.

I finish my shower on weak legs, definitely overstimulated now, but also feeling even more tired. I know that the moment I lay down on my bed, I'll be pulled into the sweet, soft surrender of a deep sleep.

Nothing else has ever sounded so pleasant.

———

When I woke up that morning after, I was feeling surprisingly calm. Realistically I knew that my whole 'this has to be an illusion' montage had been less truth and more inebriated babble, and the longer I sat on it the more I thought it'd all turned out for the better.

Turns out, tipsily masturbating in the shower to thoughts of your mom's hot new boyfriend was a surefire way to get it out of your system, right?

Wrong.

It really had been okay at first. I thought about Spencer almost immediately, and yeah, he was still hot as fuck—But there wasn't this overwhelming desire within me to jump his bones when I saw him that morning, his hair messy and his hands clutching a cup of coffee while Mom made breakfast behind him.

But that good feeling I had about all of this? It lasts only about a split second.

Because the moment he looks up and sees me, the mug falls out of his hand and shatters to pieces. His eyes stay glued to me, even as my mother darts over to pick up the pieces of the ceramic that are scattered about the table and the floor. And when she turns back to grab a paper towel, he still stares at me, once again at my legs.

It takes me all of four seconds afterwards to remember that not only did I talk to him briefly last night, but I also flirted with him after he complimented me.

That whole part seemed to have slipped my mind when waking up, and now that his gaze is bringing me back to that moment, that 'this has to be an illusion' montage is starting to become larger than I'd remembered.

It isn't until he finally snaps out of it and starts to help my mom clean up the mess that I snap out of it, too, going back upstairs to clear my head and cool the heat radiating over my skin.

———

There's a knock at my bedroom door about an hour later, and it sounds different than my mom's usually quick two-knock succession. That means it's someone else, and unsurprisingly, my stomach tightens at the thought of seeing him again.

"Yeah?" I call out, turning in my desk chair and meeting Spencer's figure in the doorway. He's changed, a rather nice pair of slacks and a white button-up shirt clinging to his limbs.

"Can I come in?"

"Mhm," I say. I still don't know if I entirely trust myself to say anything more than a few words to him, and as he enters the room and sits on the foot of my bed, I wonder if he can tell.

He tries, really tries, to look me in the eye, but I know that it's hard. I've been in the same spot. And then he takes a deep breath before folding his hands in his lap.

"Y/N, I want to apologize... When we... talked last night... It was kind of weird, and then this morning wasn't really any better..." He can barely get out the words 'talk' and 'last night'... And then he avoids my gaze altogether, staring at the floor and trailing off, trying to put his thoughts together it seems.

And that's when it starts to click into place.

There's one thing that both last night and this morning have in common, and I've noticed it almost every time I've caught him staring at me. At my legs. It's happened almost daily since I've met him. And then, the night I come home clearly having just been fucked, waltzing past him, entertaining his fascination with my legs and then masturbating to thoughts of him in the shower, he finally starts dropping mugs.

He must also really feel something here. Something similar to my own feelings. And really, that should be a red flag, because he's my mom's boyfriend, and it's a goddamned fucking mess...

But fuck, it excites me.

I'm still wearing my pajama shorts, silky and lavender in color, and I use them to my advantage, slowly crossing one leg over the other and just barely gaining Spencer's attention back.

"Yeah, what was that, anyway?" I ask him, amusement dripping off my tongue.

I can tell from his reaction that he wasn't expecting me to ask. A few times he opens his mouth to speak and then closes it , stumbling before panicking. He's been pretty good so far at coming up with answers and explanations, so the fact that this time I finally seemed to have broken him down makes it all the more clear.

He must have heard me in the shower.

Right?

I'm almost completely positive that's what this is about. And there's one way for me to get the confirmation I'm looking for.

"So you heard me, huh?"

I try to keep my voice as plain as I can as not to give away my motives, and with my luck Spencer is so flustered that he probably wouldn't have even noticed it at all. He looks up at me, his eyes desperately trying to find something he can use to make up a lie, but in the end there's no use.

I've caught him. And he knows it.

"Yes," he whispers. He looks exhausted, guilty, and also a little like he wants to cross the barrier and kiss me.

Okay, maybe that part's just in my head. I really can't tell. But I do know that hearing me call his name out in the shower last night is what brought him to this point of severe distress. As much as that excites me, though, it also embarrasses me a little. Maybe if it hadn't happened we could have avoided further destruction.

It must read on my face, because Spencer perks a little. "Oh! Y/N, I'm not... I'm not mad or anything. I really didn't mean to overhear and invade your privacy... Really, I-I'm sorry."

The fact that he's apologizing to me right now, rather than acting all grossed out that I even did it in the first place, tells me he either feels guilty for not being able to help himself from hearing me, or he's just a good guy who loves my mom and doesn't want to ruin it because of a little mishap.

Either way, it's frustrating, because I don't know what to do.

Well, I know what I want to do, but I don't know if I should hint at it.

But then he does something. It's small, and no one would have noticed, but I've been fascinated with his hands since the moment I met him, so my eyes are instantly drawn there.

They're clenched so hard, his knuckles are nearly white.

He's nervous.

To ease his mind a bit, I hold off on poking the bear harder (though it's really tempting to see what will happen if I don't) and nod, trying to make myself look as apologetic and small as possible.

"It's okay... I... I won't make it awkward if you won't?"

His shoulders slump, and his body seems to relax. "Y–yeah. Yeah, deal."

He gets up off the bed and blurts one final apology before heading for the door, but that part of me that wants to poke the bear further makes me stand up and follow him.

"Spencer?" I call out.

He freezes and turns to face me, and I don't think he quite expected me to be as close as I am. I have to tilt my head up to look at him, and the angle gives me an added layer of this innocence I'm trying to achieve.

"I'm sorry, too..."

No the fuck I'm not.

Whether he can sense my lie or not, he doesn't show it. But I think he at least knows that I'm pitching my voice a little higher on purpose, and if that doesn't give it away, the way I'm staring at him sure should.

Still, he only nods and retreats.

All there's left to do is see what happens.

JUNE 25th

For someone who agreed not to make things awkward, Spencer sure can't keep his eyes off of me.

To be fair, I have tried to keep things fairly normal. I only really interacted with him if I had to, I kept my distance, and I saved my skimpier clothing for the strangers I was regularly going out to see almost every weekend.

My lustful feelings for him aren't as strong now that I've been getting some on a semi-regular basis and keeping myself occupied. I've been doing my part.

But I still can't shake him entirely.

Whenever he spends the night (which is surprisingly most nights), the occasional wet dream about him gets me frustrated when I know he's just down the hall and sleeping soundly next to my mom. On those days I try to cut as much interaction with him as I can, though it doesn't keep me from seeing the occasional stare he throws my way.

I wish I could say that I hate it.

But I don't, and it increasingly gets worse. It's only been a week, so there's still time, but honestly, I don't think there's any shaking him.

Today especially is one of those days where it's hard not to give into the incessant need to tease him and coax some stronger reaction out of him.

I talked to Mom earlier this morning about getting some new clothes, and she had this brilliant idea to have Spencer take me. "It would be a good chance for you two to bond a little, don't you think?" she insisted, nudging him in the side and silently pleading with her eyes for him to agree.

I could tell from the look on his face that he really wasn't ready to be alone with me again, but that only excited me.

"Yeah, I think that's a great idea," I piped up, positively beaming.

Mom was so excited for us to 'bond' and also that I was gladly inclined to go through with it that Spencer couldn't have said no to her even if he wanted to.

And I was pretty sure he didn't want to.

Yet here we are, sitting in the car, the air conditioning so strong it's blowing some of my hair into my eyes. I think it had been his way of punishing me for choosing today to wear a short skirt, something I usually refrain from nowadays unless I'm going out, and it makes me smile. I can't help it.

I also can't help the way my fingers play with my skirt, dying to tease him some more. I just want to see, to know for sure that I'm driving him mad.

"No offence, but you seem weird today... Is there something wrong?" I ask him, lifting my skirt just a smidge. The air from the car blows the fabric in waves.

"You're acting this way on purpose."

Well, I hadn't been expecting that answer... All this time he'd hardly been confrontative, and now he's full-on calling me out. It's plain to see that he's finally snapped, and I would have felt sorry about it if I didn't find it extremely sexy.

"What do you mean?"

"Y/N..."

My name on his lips is a warning. He's clearly annoyed, exasperated, and I'm loving every second. "Don't act oblivious. I'm not stupid, and neither are you. I don't want to make you hate me or anything, but you have to know where I'm coming from. I was willing to let the shower thing slide... And you said you were too, for that matter, so I don't know what's changed, but it has to stop now. Understood?"

Oh, all I want is to argue with him. I want to point out that none of this is really my fault because he's the one who hasn't been able to stop staring at me all summer so far. I want to tell him that if he wants this to stop he has to make it stop.

But that isn't going to give me any of the answers I'm looking for or further proof of my theory that he wants me just as badly as I want him. And I am not going to fuck this whole situation up by making a poorly-timed move on him.

I have to know for sure.

So, I fold my hands neatly in my lap, sigh, and look dead ahead. "Right... We said no awkwardness. I'm sorry."

Spencer seems to accept my apology and continues down the road.

When we make it to the mall I think he's calmed down. At least, he seems a little more comfortable around me, and honestly I'm okay with it. As much as his spiel in the car turned me on, it also exhausted me to the point of silence.

Even as we walk around each store in the mall, I just lead and he follows, not saying a word when I pick out a top or a pair of pants or whatever else I need. And when it comes time to pay, he takes the basket from me and pays for it with no question.

Near five bags of clothes later, I figure I could get used to this new dynamic.

But then we pass a lingerie store, and I remember that the main thing I'd needed was new underwear. I start to turn into the store, but stop suddenly, pausing awkwardly and deciding to go straight ahead instead.

"You don't want to go in?" Spencer asks.

I shake my head. "No, it's fine. I can just pick some up later, it's not a big deal."

He sighs then, nodding his head towards the sign. "If you need to go in, you can... I'll just wait out here if you're uncomfortable."

I really want to call him out, ask him if he's the one who should be worried about being uncomfortable. But so far this afternoon has been pretty decent, and I really don't want to make things any weirder than they have to be.

Besides... If my theory is right...

"Sure. Thanks. Uh, how am I gonna pay, though?"

"O—Oh... I'll uh... I'll just watch the counter and come in when you need me."

"Orrrr, you could just give it to me?"

This time I get a laugh out of him. "Not a chance. Go in, I'll wait."

I smile at him and hand him the bags to hold onto while I leave, and it fills me with absolute amusement that he'd just given me one more ounce of proof that I'm right.

He's gonna have to come inside and pay for what I bought. He could have just given me the card, and maybe he truly doesn't trust me with it (which I don't know why he wouldn't honestly), but he chose to come inside all the same.

I browse happily then, going through the displays and picking out things I need, but also things I know Spencer will like.

Specifically, I stumble on a pair of lavender panties, embroidered with flowery trim up top. The pattern from the outside is lace, but there's a thin layer of cotton underneath designed to be more comfortable to wear.

I've noticed that he can never seem to look away when I'm wearing anything, really, but it's more intense when I wear one of two things. Florals, and any type of purple. And these fit both of those bills perfectly.

Now there's just one more bill to take care of.

I stride over to the counter and turn around, finding that Spencer's caught my eye immediately. Either he truly had been paying attention to the counter the whole time, or he'd been watching through the glass, following me with his gaze to the best of his abilities. Either way, he blinks a few times and looks like he's gathering the courage to go in before actually taking any steps.

I laugh to myself, eager to gauge his reaction to this next step.

Surprisingly, he holds up well. The air between me, him, and the cashier is obviously awkward, but he doesn't say anything and barely looks at what she rings up. (I say barely because he tries extremely hard not to look at the purple pair I picked out, inadvertently adding another checkmark to my list of proof.) She tells him the total, he hands her the card, and within a minute, everything is in our possession and we're leaving the mall entirely.

I don't think there are any more steps to my plan today once we get in the car and I tell him thank you. (To which he responds a short and simple, Sure thing, and turns the radio on.)

But then there's a note taped to the front door, and it instantly gives me another one.

My Sweethearts,

I got called in on a work emergency and won't be back until 7. I would have called but I figured you were having a nice time and didn't want to interrupt! I'll bring home dinner, and then maybe you can tell me about how your day went. Can't wait to hear it!

XOXO,

Eve/Mom

I check my phone, seeing that it's almost 3.

Perfect.

But I don't want to give myself away too quickly, so I thank Spencer again for taking me out and tell him that I'm going upstairs to make sure everything fits right. He nods and lets me go, though not without lingering eyes. I can feel it.

The smile never leaves my face as I try all my clothes on. Once each article has been fitted, I throw it in a laundry basket and move to the next, until I get to the last piece.

The lavender panties.

As expected, they fit perfectly, and as I look at myself in the mirror I picture what Spencer would look like when he sees me wearing them.

That's right. When.

I throw back on my earlier outfit and grab the basket, acting as bored and normal as possible to find him sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book.

"Hey," I greet him, setting the basket in front of me once I reach the bottom of the stairs. "Everything fits good, I just need them washed now. Could you run these down to the laundry room for me? I think I'm gonna make something to snack on before Mom brings dinner."

It doesn't surprise me to see him look at my legs before my face, even if it is brief. I want to smile, but I hold back, watching him nod with a tight smile of his own.

"Sure."

He disappears and then I wait.

One...

Two...

Three.

I sneak as quietly as I can to the laundry room once I hear the washer door open. I hadn't specifically asked him to put them in the washer for me on purpose, and it looks like now he's doing exactly what I thought he might.

My head peeks around the corner, barely in his range of sight as I watch him empty the basket. He takes one item of clothing at a time and throws it in the washer, and halfway through the basket he stops, just to place a pair of my new underwear on the dryer beside him.

My heart races faster the more I wait for him to get to the end of the basket. Once he does, he pauses again, and I think I know exactly what he's looking for.

Still, he sets the basket aside and picks up the stray pair of underwear, a simple black cotton pair that I'd been getting for years, and drapes it over his hands. My thighs instantly clench, and I try so hard to remain where I am so I can see where he takes this.

He takes it straight to hell, apparently, tentatively pulling his dick out of his pants and gripping it firmly. I can barely see since his back is partially turned, but I see enough, and god he's so fucking pretty. My underwear dangle from his left hand while the other works slowly over his erection, a soft sigh falling from his lips.

I fight to let one of my own slip as my hand sinks down the front of my body, past the lavender cotton and lace that I know he just wishes he had right now.

And then, a few seconds later he's already coming, using my brand new underwear to catch each rope of it, and the sight nearly has me on my knees.

And because I want to catch him in the act, I quickly draw my hand away from myself and step into the room, barely giving him time to recover.

"You come fast."

Spencer looks utterly devastated when he turns to see me standing in the entryway to the laundry room, arms crossed and an amused smirk adorning my face.

"Y/N... I—I... I'm so sorry, I didn't... I..."

"Don't worry about it," I say, taking a step towards him and shrugging. "You heard me, and now I heard you... We're even. Besides, I... figured you might be looking for these."

He's still stunned, but he looks down all the same, watching my hands slip under my skirt and glide the lavender panties down my legs. I step out of them and hold the garment up on one finger, a soft smile still on my face.

"I picked 'em out just for you, you know," I tell him, tossing them past his face and into the washer. "I've noticed that you like purple."

This time he's quick to respond. "Y/N, we... We can't... This isn't right."

"Says the man holding my underwear soaked in his cum..."

He looks panicked again, extremely guilty, but if this isn't going to end in a total disaster, then I have to reassure him that I'm okay.

"Spencer, I'm not mad..." I take another step forward, and it feels much like trying to approach a wounded animal. I can see in his eyes and in his posture that this conflict is killing him, so I decide to show some rapport. "And I know... I know this is messy... I love my mom... And I'm sure you care about her a lot... But are we really going to ignore this? We tried that, remember? And now look where we are."

"I..." He swallows, shaking his head and trying to avoid my eyes. "I can't stop thinking about you... I can't..."

My hand finds his arm, and the light touch has him sighing out, an incredulous, breathy laugh escaping him. "Y/N, please... Don't."

"Don't what?" I ask softly, praying he won't turn me away. If he does, we're just back to square one, only the square is jagged, sharper than ever before, and in serious danger of injuring someone.

When he meets my eyes, I see nothing but a desire for something he knows he can't have. "Don't want me."

Now it's my turn to laugh. My knees start to wobble as I go down, keeping my eyes locked onto his, and I swear I see them dilate fully. I scoot in closer, sliding my hand up his leg and finding the words in my heart to finally say out loud.

"It's too late for that..."

My face moves closer, and the hand of his that doesn't currently hold my underwear flies down to gently tug at my hair, keeping me in place.

"If you do this... God, Y/N, I won't be able to stop myself..."

A smirk dances over my lips as I lean in, breath fanning gently over his exposed skin. "Don't."

He swallows. "Don't what?"

"Don't stop yourself."

I barely get the words out before his hand is completely pulling me towards him, and the second my lips press against the silky skin of his hard cock, he loses it completely.

His fingers thread through my hair as I kiss and lick my way softly up to the tip. Once I'm there, I swirl my tongue out and taste the small beads of cum that had remained after he came, a low, satiated hum radiating through my body and making him shiver under my touch.

And then I wrap my lips fully around the head of his dick, and there's no stopping the most beautiful sound I've ever heard come out of his mouth. It's a broken, desperate whisper of my name. The crack in his voice when he says it spurs me forward, and I take him deeper into my mouth until he hits the back of my throat.

That's when he tosses my underwear in the washer and uses both of his hands to grab my head, roughly guiding me along his cock and fully taking control of my actions.

The fire in my belly doesn't ease up, not even once he's decided that he can't take it anymore and pulls me off of him harshly.

And that's only because now he's fully turned over, finally given into these desires that have been plaguing him presumably from the moment we met.

"I want you stripped and in your bed, on your hands and knees within the next five minutes."

I get up off the floor and walk up to him until our bodies are flush, my arms reaching up to wrap around his neck.

"What are you gonna do to me, Spencer?"

He searches my eyes, and his own grow dark with the purest form of sin I'd ever seen. And when his hands come up over the back of my legs, and under my skirt to grab my ass and pull me even closer to him, I can't help the little mewl that slips past my lips.

He smiles, and if it hadn't been for the grip he held on me, I would have fallen to my knees. "Little girl, when I'm through with you, you'll have to come up with some excuse to your mom about why you can't walk straight... Is that what you want?"

The mention of my mom should send me running in the opposite direction, but his threat only prolongs that fire in my veins and makes me want him even more.

I tilt my head up and press a gentle kiss to his lips.

"Do your worst..."

———

Turns out he was very true to his word.

Sitting at the kitchen table is somewhat of a relief, but I try not to walk around as much when Mom gets home. She'd asked me almost immediately if I was okay, and I told her I was just hungry and needed to eat something.

She seemed to have bought it, rushing to the kitchen to unpack the fast food she'd ordered for us. Over her shoulder, Spencer gave me a sly smile, and it took everything I had within myself not to crumble.

Through bites of food, I only half-listen to Mom telling us about the stuff she had to do at work because most of the words I'm hearing are in my head— A loop of endless dirty talk that plants deep into the soil of my stomach and spreads out through my whole body. It infects me, like the most beautiful poison, and I never want it to stop.

"Tell me, sweetheart, you ever let a man come inside you before?"

His weight on top of me coupled together with the heft of his voice has me whining out in pleasure, each snap forward of his hips over my ass as he pounds into me from behind the most delectable burn I've ever felt.

"Uh huh," I answer happily, twisting my head to feel his cheek against my own. "That night you heard me in the shower... I walked through the door with a stranger's cum soaking my panties... And you know what?"

He grumbles, his hips hitting into me harder as he waits for me to continue.

"I wished it was yours..."

My legs clench together under the table and I take a large gulp of water.

I feel something graze over my bare shin, and I already know it's Spencer's foot, a silent reassurance of his presence and that no matter what, he'll always be here.

"Here's what's going to happen..."

He has me on my back now, my legs hoisted over his shoulders and bent back so I'm nearly folded in half. His hips are flush against mine and I can feel his cock throbbing as he comes into the condom.

"You're gonna make an appointment to make sure you're clean... You're gonna make sure you're on good birth control... And then the next time I fuck this pretty little pussy, you're gonna really know what it feels like to have a man come inside you."

Right... Like I really need a reminder of his presence.

I can practically feel it still inside me, taking up every inch of space my body could provide. And no matter how long I go without seeing him, I have no doubt that it'll always remain.

"But that's enough about me, I'm sorry." Mom's voice shifts and breaks me out of my fantasy. "So, how did your day of bonding go? You have fun?"

Spencer and I share a look, a smile spreading over his lips that makes me smile in turn.

"Yeah, Mom," I say. "It was great."

He nods in kind. "Yeah... We'll definitely have to do it again."

His foot grazing over my leg under the table cements the unwavering smile on my face, as does the way my whole body burns at the memory of him fucking me upstairs only hours before.

I don't even flinch or get sick to my stomach when Mom reaches over and gives Spencer a kiss.

———

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[whythinktoomuch]

recovered in time

(pt. i)

“From what I can tell, the implant seems to be interrupting the connection between your visual cortex and your emotional center,” Brainy says, eyes narrowed in concentration, two fingers pressed against the incision point at the base of Kara’s neck. “As well as inhibiting your frontal lobe and sending distress signals to the amygdala.” 

“What does that mean?” Kara asks. 

“It means that... you weren’t feeling like yourself,” Alex says, and Kara nods hesitantly at that. 

“So, can you rid of it or not?” Alex asks, fixing Brainy with her most hardened stare. 

“I’ve already determined five different ways to extract the device—”

“Great! So, we can—”

“—but none that wouldn’t immediately prove fatal or result in permanent brain damage.” 

Eventually, Alex releases a long-suffering, shuddery sigh. “... You could have fucking led with that.” 

“I did feel like myself though...” Kara interjects, suspending what was surely about to result in another very unproductive argument. “And I still feel like myself now. It’s just...” She ducks her head, fiddling with the sleeves of her shirt, already frayed from anxious attention. “... I felt so alone? Like, I’d been abandoned, or was suddenly in a world where I’d lost everyone all at once. Again.” 

Kara shifts uncomfortably in her seat, now able to feel everyone’s eyes on her, burning holes into her skin. She has long since traded in her super-suit for comfy clothes, and her scarf has been upgraded to a pair of heat vision resistant blackout goggles, but it would take more than 24 measly hours for her to adjust to, well... everything. 

“You’re not alone though,” Alex says, giving Kara’s knee a firm squeeze as if in reminder. “You know that, right?” 

Kara rubs at her nose, sniffling herself back into some semblance of composure. “Yeah, I know.” 

But of course, knowing something hardly ever outstrips the feeling of it, and Kara kinda just wishes that she still had Lena’s scarf on her. 

//

“Hey Lena,” Kara calls out softly from the bed. She doesn’t lift her head from her pillow, but still offers a small wave in greeting. 

“What gave me away?” Lena asks, and it’s almost playful, which makes everything that much easier. 

“Well... Pretty much everything, actually.” 

“Ah.”

Then the smell hits her, overwhelming her senses in an unexpected rush of heat and spice. Kara sits up right away, startled. “How did you...” is all she manages to get out, then pushed into her hands is a considerably sized takeout box of potstickers. 

“I wanted to surprise you, so I might have created a hermetically sealed lunchbox just to sneak these in,” Lena says, and Kara’s already laughing softly. “The food’s still good though! I literally just slipped them inside right before walking into the building, so...” 

“... Thank you,” Kara says. She inclines her head to the spot next to her, and feels the bed sink with Lena’s weight accordingly. 

Kara starts eating, but does so with only one hand. The other just fidgets at her thigh, tugging at her sweatpants, lying in wait so impatiently. Then Lena takes the hand and holds it firmly in her own, and finally, it feels like Kara can breathe freely again. 

“I never thanked you,” Kara says, “for, you know... everything.” 

“You already did,” Lena reminds her, squeezing Kara’s hand. 

“I... did?” Kara feels Lena nodding beside her. “Okay... so then, why does it feel like I still have so much left to owe you?” 

Lena tries to hold her breath quietly, but Kara hears it; of course, she hears it. “I can’t answer that for you.” 

A couple of hours later, when Alex pops into the room for her usual check-in, she stumbles upon an unexpected sight: Lena sitting up on the hospital bed, her legs tucked beneath the sheets as she answers emails on her phone, and Kara fast asleep, curled up around her. 

Kara’s still holding Lena’s hand, her face buried in Lena’s shirt where it smells most like her, apparently, besides her hair. 

Lena blushes a little, but can’t find it in her to regret her position. 

//

“Alex says it’s because I didn’t see your face,” is the first thing Kara says the next time Lena visits. “I pretty much saw everyone else’s, but... never yours. So, I’ve imprinted on you, or something.” 

Lena recovers quickly, “Well... what do you think?” 

“I don’t know,” Kara admits, running her fingers down the back of her neck, feeling the tender skin still raised in jagged lines. “There’s still so much I feel like I can’t trust right now.” 

“But you trust me...” 

“Yeah.” 

Lena carefully cradles Kara’s hand in both of hers, and it feels like a thank you of sorts. Then Kara draws their joined hands closer and closer, pressing her lips gently to Lena’s knuckles, and sighs in a way that could only ever be an expression of deep gratitude. 

//

Kara’s days all seem to unfold the same way, with Alex and Brainy running tests, Lena stopping by once per day for company, and Kara just trying to break up the monotony of it all with podcasts, books on tape, and tossing a tiny bouncy ball around the room to test her reflexes. 

For that last one, she has to stop the moment she hears Alex approaching her room, of course, because of all the broken glass and knocked over plants, and such. 

Until one day, she overhears a couple of DEO agents discussing some urgent mission—not exactly a rare occurrence, given her super-hearing, but she perks up, ears honing in at the mention of Lex Luthor. 

But when they also mention how Lena might be in danger, Kara is already out of bed and flying out the window.

Kara hasn’t flown since donning her blackout goggles, but she remembers enough to travel at a height that would be safe from any threat of collision. And before long, she’s hurtling straight for the source of all the distant commotion now pounding in her ears. 

She practically crashes in landing, the earth cracking beneath her bare feet. She whips her head toward where Lena’s heartbeat is fluttering the loudest, then hears low chuckles coming from the same direction. 

“You’re all so pathetic and predictable,” Lex crows. “At least try to make it somewhat of a challenge for me. God, it’s all just too easy.” 

“Kara, get out of here!” Lena’s voice shouts out to her, muffled and desperate. “It’s a trap!” 

But Kara takes a step toward them anyway, and immediately, the entire world seems to scream in protest. 

Kara falls to her knees, hands clapping over her ears but to no avail. The excruciating sound is coming from her own head, akin to hot spikes scraping at the inside of her skull. She calls out to Lena, but can’t even make out her own voice over the pain. 

She crumples over, helpless, her teeth gritted as she pushes her face into the dirt and shakes uncontrollably. She knows she has to get up; she’s a sitting duck like this. She can’t save Lena like this. 

And so, Kara does the one thing that she can do. 

She rips the goggles off her face, hurling them somewhere behind her, and jerks her head up. 

She sees a blur of colors, then a single hand outstretched towards her, clutching onto something silver and vaguely rectangular. 

She fires a burst of heat vision right at that hand, and feels the back of her head explode. 

//

“Man... she couldn’t just put them down gently?” mutters a voice that’s not unfamiliar. “She just had to throw the goggles like a goddamn shot-putter or something? These things cost a fortune!”  

“All right, that’s enough, Demos,” says Alex, a much more familiar voice. “I’ll worry about the budget, okay? You just get everyone else back to headquarters.”  

“’M’sorry,” Kara says, or at least she tries to say. “My bad...” Her eyes still shut tight, she flashes a thumbs up, then lets her arm flop back down to the ground. Alex stops her when she attempts to sit up. 

“Hey, not so fast, you jerk,” Alex says, somehow keeping Kara grounded with a single hand pressed against her shoulder. “We’re getting a stretcher for you.” 

“I don’t think I need a stretcher.” 

“Yeah, well... nobody asked you,” Alex sighs, before grumbling, “God, what’s taking them so long? Ugh, hang on... Hey, can you watch her? I’ll be right back.” 

Lena’s there now, and Kara can actually feel herself grinning without even meaning to. “No, don’t... You shouldn’t have come, Kara.” But there’s a smile in Lena’s voice, and Kara’s grin grows wider for it. “I’m serious!” 

“Okay, me too.” Kara then winces as a sharp pain gradually surfaces, trickling into reality. “The back of my head is killing me...” 

“Yeah, you’re bleeding.” 

Kara scoffs. “I don’t bleed; I’m Supergirl.” 

“Okay, Supergirl... but somebody got blood all over my shirt, and it sure as hell isn’t me, so...” 

“I don’t believe you.” 

“Then check for yourself.” 

Kara goes rigid, her humor dashed and her brow furrowing heavily.

“... You know I can’t do that.” 

Soft fingertips brush down Kara’s face, tucking her hair behind her ear so tenderly. “Listen,” Lena says. “You destroyed Lex’s transmitter, along with most of his right hand, and I think you blew out the implant in your head in the process as well.” 

There are thoughts then—the kind that Kara is unwilling to say aloud lest they develop reasons to be true. Thoughts like, what if the explosion damaged parts of her brain permanently? What if it severed that neural link between her eyes and everything else for good? And, how can she risk losing the one person who she believes to be absolutely, 100% real? 

Lena draws Kara’s attention with a gentle hand squeeze. “Hey, where’d you go?” she asks softly.

“I’m still here,” Kara says. “Still just right here.” 

But Lena seems to understand Kara’s concerns, unvoiced or not, because she leans a bit closer and asks, “Do you trust me...?” 

And, yes; yes, she does.  

With a deep breath filling out her lungs, Kara slowly opens her eyes. Everything’s a blur at first, just like before. But then little by little, bit by bit, the night sky comes into focus. She stares up at the darkness, counts as many stars as she can to put off the inevitable. 

Then her hand is being tugged and squeezed in the gentlest reminder, so she turns her head, blinking her eyes in preparation before looking up to see Lena Luthor smiling down at her. 

“Hey,” Kara says. 

“Hey yourself,” Lena returns. 

Kara nods thoughtfully, then gestures to Lena’s shirt. “Sorry, but I can’t afford dry cleaning,” she says, squinting at the various splashes of red—light but unfortunately prominent against the very white material—and Lena just laughs and laughs. 

[shinygoku]

very intrigued to see what you think of Henry!!! ^v^ (character ask!)

Another day, another Big Green! (The others are Piccolo and Thunderbird 2 lmao)

First impression

"Green ver of that one big creepy dude" (Look, when I was Babby I saw a Gordon picture somewhere that minorly spooked me lmao)

Impression now

Ahh, Henry! In some ways, very much like Duck! Green, long nose, popular with the fans and I'm here like Yeah he's a good fixture of the series lol

Ok well, maybe I should disclaim that he's not one of my favourites, which is partly as I guess it's a bit hard to nail down his personality.

His, for lack of a better term, Illness Arc is fascinating and oddly Real for a series about machinery. Something's genuinely amiss with him, but the lack of a clear cause (at least, to the other engines, who presumably don't know he was built from stolen, incomplete plans and the logical issues that would arise from that) and his frequent complaints turn the other characters off wanting to hear about it, thinking he's exaggerating. Then the Welsh Coal stopgap is found! Then the very next story he has a horrible crash but it was a blessing in disguise because then he's rebuilt as a Black 5 and his health issues are gone forever! (ain't we envious of machines now?) Until Lazy Writer Disease sets in Meta-wise, but more on that later.

I think it's safe to say that it's Entry Level RWS Knowledge to know Awdry's frustrations with the character, and it is kind of hilarious how much he tried to write him out, and iirc Henry wound up with the most appearances and 'his' book has 5 stories instead of the uniform 4 for some reason. But it seems it takes further Lazy Corporate Mandates to actually write him out in BwBa which really sucks and is doing such an iconic lad horribly dirty.

Pictured: Henry as seen by Awdry/Mattel, who are about to just shove him out of the story with varying degrees of success.

Well yeah, for me I can't really settle on an opinion because he never seems to have anything solid after the Rebuild. He's kind of the nicer one out of the Terrible Trio, but sometimes he's as bitchy and obnoxious as Gordon without prompting. He seems to be pretty unlucky and sometimes his misfortunes are self inflicted, but they don't commit to this bit. He gets his (in)famous forest, much to Awdry's chagrin, but it does offer a nice gentler side to him. He also seems to be the main Fast Freight engine, particularly more Fish shipments, but this doesn't really inform his character. He all too often feels like a Spare, Green Gordon who's less full of himself (but still gets boughts of Envy and inflated self importance, like Tenders for Henry), and that's a shame because this nebulous lack of anything concrete seems to be why Bad TatMR Writing diagnosed him with Need Welsh Coal again for quite a long time (dunno if that only changed when Mattel/Brenner came in or not). But then the US dub makes him sound like w--dy all-n and that's the worst treatment of all! I kind of understand the temptation to make him the resident worrier but HUUURGHGHH NOT LIKE THAT

So yeah, the better characterization of him needs to strike a good balance of him being ...I guess a Gentle Giant, who enjoys nature and maybe is a smidge prone to bouts of feeling jealous. Maybe catches the engine version of colds more than the others because the early morning runs in the freezing air? I dunno, I'm trying to combine several traits that have been in Henry but never seemed to stick. But done properly, I could really get behind a nice, faceted character like that~

Favourite moment

It feels a bit mean to say, but it's due to the strength of the episode itself with the fantastic visuals, godly music and shocking drama (with a nice bonus of Correct Head Codes!) that put Flying Kipper at the top of this list!

Another part of this ep, is the beginning where the Driver is saying "Don't tell Gordon, but if you pull this nicely, the Fat Controller may let you pull the Express!". Like, that really squeezes my heart, because his driver is rooting for him, the prospect of a better regarded job is floating there, and knowing what eventually happens, it's like... oof! But in a good way.

...Also I think that must have been something Awdry added after deciding not to kill him off because having that bit and for it to all go up in flames would have made children and me extremely upset and he would have been buried under letters of complaint from angry mothers of the time.

Idea for a story

Other than the overly simple and grimdark "he was in fact killed that day" type coma inducers, I suppose the Two Henries theory being explored could offer some interesting interactions.

Like, what if the Henry who rolls back into The Big Station is instantly accepted and in fact, liked more than og Henry? What if the other engines instead couldn't fully relax around him? Were his memories perfect? Too Perfect?

And what would happen if OG Henry were later discovered... (and in what condition?) Dun Dun Dun dododo Dun!

The thing is, it is hard to really explore this because it's innately such a dark, heavy concept. I don't enjoy the 'Authoritarian Hellscape" lameass interpretation by normies. I like my silly workcom on the rails with warm fuzzies and funny antics, thank you very much!

Unpopular opinion

Some of his faces (even before the worsening first inflicted by Magic Railroad) are pretty weird looking! Maybe cause his forehead is so huge and smooth, but maybe just the odd mouth shapes. I like the variety, but they aren’t what I’d call cute... I find myself thinking ‘Moon Face’ looking at him [even with the lack of craters lmao] and oops I think I missed the weirdest grin of all, but here’s a small sample anyway

Favourite relationship

Not a favourite, per say, but some of the more friction-ish interactions he has with Thomas or Percy are pretty funny. With Thomas’ immortal flippant disregard to viaduct safety, Percy retorting that engines with Proper Funnels do, in fact, need scarves, something Henry wouldn’t know about, and that Henry somehow manages to dismiss Bill and Ben, a feat Gordon needs to take notes from. Even the Something in the Air exchange with Thomas, which isn’t really stellar writing just has a funny lame argument vibe.

For some nice Wholesome interaction, Bear is hands down the winner! Easy pick maybe, and it makes me wonder if Bear’s complete absence in the TVS is part of the downward spiral because he’d offer a lot more Plotlines.... hmmm...!

Favourite headcanon

Other than the universal fandom acceptance that He Digs Nature, Baby is the notion I’ve seen a few times that his “fear” of the rain, or what it would do to his paint, isn’t actually why he stopped in the tunnel, and it had more to do with his mechanical failure and/or him having something of a nervous breakdown. He does come across as something of an ass if you take the episode at face value, but there having a secret deeper meaning is way more interesting 👀

[thedreadvampy]

no ok listen because. discourse. so much of the discourse around butch/femme identity seems to proceed from the assumption that only lesbian understand that butch and femme are meaningful social and identity roles and that non lesbians are using them only as aesthetic descriptors. which. one. why would you think that bi women's relationships to other women are so much shallower than lesbians that they couldn't possibly conformance having a complex and meaningful relationship to how they relate to their attraction to women and b. are they though?

and the thing about this anger I have (not around being told Bi People Can't Be Butch/Femme in itself but around how much of the popular supporting arguments are. just biphobia) is that this is coloured by my relationship to butchness and myself. I don't feel sure at all about claiming butchness as an identity not because I'm bi but because aesthetically and presentation wise I'm pretty feminine in a GNC Way, I like femininity, I like heels and skirts and getting my tits out and wearing fun makeup. my femininity is draggy but it's an authentic expression of self and I wouldn't feel like I was presenting authentically if I leant more into a Butch Aesthetic.

no because if I wanted to call myself butch it wouldn't be about Aesthetic it would be because my relationship to butchness is my relationship to women. I don't think I look butch but I want to Be Someone's Butch I want to be strong and soft and tough and gentle I want to hold open doors and mop up years for someone who's sweet and pretty and will cut a bitch and is a tiny ball of rage. like the times I use the word butch to describe myself isn't when I look in the mirror it's when I've put up shelves to impress my girlfriend or put on my big stompy boots and walked hard alongside her to scare off creepy men or supported her through her emotional turmoil without letting mine become her problem or protected people from creepers by making myself big and intimidating and putting myself between them and the women they're approaching. and even though the way I present is femininish I want to walk alongside a girl as a visual representation that we're both queer and we're not here for men and I want to be a threat to the idea of heteronormative gender. I want to be hard and tough and stoic and punk at first glance and I want it to be a secret to be discovered that I'm soft and shy and emotionally vulnerable and scared of A Lot Of Things and I want that secret to be lovingly discovered by someone who sees it and reaches out to it. I want people to think at first glance that I'm the strong protector when I know all the fierceness and strength belongs to my partner.

is that butch? idk man. but I know that that's what resonates with me about butchness not like. a tank top and leather jacket and short hair (although those things are also delightful). I also know that while futch is a controversial term I kind of like it bc if I was to examine my relationship to these terms honestly I'd say I think I present femme (as in, feminine in an unmistakably GNC and aggressively non-straight way) but I behave butch relationally. and that doesn't mean thinking butch to femme is a spectrum all lesbians or all wlw fall along but it does mean sometimes there's enough aspects of one in the other that like it makes sense to acknowledge that there's a mix of two things there. because identity and presentation and behaviour is Messy.

[girl4music]

The Human Condition - It suggests that humans are able to have a complex range of emotions for an individual. Therefore it is possible to love someone yet be repulsed by their behaviour and action. This is a unique trait of humans and the human condition. Humans can have more than one emotion towards another. And love is not lost in the meanwhile. Rather, it is amplified but it is expressed as tough love instead.

I would say that is very important to experience in art/entertainment. Particularly that of a VISUAL format such as TV shows, movies and video games so that you can see a representation of the human condition and the effects it can have on characters and on the relationships and experiences of love those characters have throughout their arc in that visual art/entertainment

I LOVE the character Willow Rosenberg from 'Buffy: The Vampire Slayer'. A HUGE part of the reason why I love her so much is that I can disagree with her, call her out and express what I think is wrong with this character or what her biggest faults and flaws are. This character has a gentle nature that gets abused over the early seasons of the show and you absolutely fall in love with her throughout those seasons as you watch her grow and develop... And that makes you want to defend and protect her. She's your cinnamon roll (I think that's the right phrase to use here)... So that means that she's a very positive character for you.

But then you're forced to see her in a negative light as she becomes abusive when she starts accumulating power and desiring to control everything and everyone and have her will be done... And you have to sort of split yourself down the middle with your love for her.

You're Oz or you're Tara or you're Buffy or you're Xander in that you have to choose whether to enable her behaviour or reprimand her for it. You have to wrestle with your ego and not put aside your love for her exactly, but use it to fuel your effort to make her accountable for her behaviour and her actions. This is what Tara does. Tara is a character that is also known to be very gentle natured and that also gets abused too... And by Willow herself.

Tara: "Willow, you're using too much magic. What do you want me to do, just sit back and keep my mouth shut?"

Willow: "That'd be a good start."

Tara: "If I didn't love you so damn much I would."

As such, my need to call Willow out and express all that I think is wrong with this character is not because I hate her. Far from it. I fucking love her to absolute pieces just like Tara or Oz or Buffy or Xander does. But I am like Tara. I love her enough to want to give her tough love because that would be far more beneficial to her than if I did nothing and said nothing.

This is what I mean about finding characters in art/entertainment that SHAKE you. Ones that make you wrestle with your own ego. Ones that make you want to insert yourself in the show and give them a good slap or a talking to. Ones that make you split yourself down the middle.

Why do I want to find these characters?

Because they're the REALIST ones.

Humans are an incredibly flawed species. But they're still loved anyway. Even when they're loved with tough love. So my need to find characters in art/entertainment that represent this level of HUMAN... It's because I LOVE THEM and I want to LEARN FROM THEM. It's not because I want to critisize them or shame them or judge them or hate them. It's easy to misunderstand that that's the intention... But no, I just really fucking love real flawed human beings. And I want to covet them in a way where I also want to let them go too. It's very contradictory. Can even come off hypocritical. But character representation and development is not necessarily about a character being "good" or "better" or "improved". It's about making the AUDIENCE examine, assess and reevaluate their own thoughts, feelings and beliefs about themselves and about humanity. About THE WORLD and about the human condition taking place in it. That's why characters like Willow Rosenberg really fucking matter and why they need to be written more into art/entertainment.

You don't want a character that you love because they never have faults or flaws, they never make mistakes or they never do any wrong. I promise you.

My question to you is, do you have the tolerance for this kind of art/entertainment? Can you love it even though it frustrates you, annoys you or even angers you? Can you love a character like Willow Rosenberg even when she absolutely SHAKES you and makes you wrestle with your own ego?

If you can and you do - we need to communicate. I want to talk to you. Because you will know the kind of characters and shows that I'm looking for and the level of character charactization, representation, development and evolution that I'm looking for. Willow Rosenberg is a character that becomes both a hero and a villain at different times throughout her entire character arc. Xena is a character that starts off a villain and becomes a hero/anti-hero throughout her entire character arc. Gabrielle is a character that is incredibly good natured and innocent and kind and sweet and compassionate and STILL struggles with the human condition in a way where I still see her in a negative light sometimes and where I still feel the need to insert myself into the show to call her out at times. I still fucking love her anyway.

I am a flawed character myself. I fully acknowledge it. And because I can't always see myself as clearly as I can characters on a TV show since I am always the observer of the world and not the observed... It's very very important to me to find characters like Willow and Xena that represent me. That I relate to and that I resonate with. OR characters like Tara and Gabrielle that can love me and teach me a lot. That I can look to as a guiding light in my life. I NEED the kind of characters with so much complex depth and layers to them that they seem like REAL BREATHING CONSCIOUS PEOPLE and not just some fictional shapes and sizes some illustrator came up with or just some actors reading lines for to portray them. That's not enough for me. It never will be. So please - if you understand what I mean by the characters and shows I'm looking for...

Contact me. Communicate with me. I am specifically looking for characters and TV shows that depict and deal with THE HUMAN CONDITION.

[moony-meadow]

The Very Hungry Beelzebub (3)

Previous Part / Next Part

“Uhhh…” Beelzebub was frozen. He was clearly unsure whether to reveal everything to Mammon in hopes of getting his help, or concocting some kind of lie to protect both his and my dignity. And I had a feeling that, unlike Mammon, Beel didn’t want to make the decision without getting my approval first.

“It’s okay, Beel, you can tell him,” I sighed. I wasn’t exactly looking forward to finding out what Mammon’s reaction would be. I honestly wasn’t entirely sure what to expect.

Though I couldn’t see it, I could easily imagine the confused expression currently painted on Mammon’s face as he wondered why he’d just heard my disembodied voice. No doubt he was looking around the room, searching for the source of the sound. “Huh? What was that?” he questioned, sounding thoroughly befuddled.

Poor Beel was going to be forced to explain the bizarre situation. Of course, I could try to do it, but it seemed like something that would be more easily done by someone not hidden away inside a stomach.

I could feel Beel take a nervous breath. He was obviously not looking forward to this. Despite being younger (and less powerful) than Mammon, he had never really acted like it. Beel would never take orders from the second oldest, and he showed no qualms about stepping on his toes. But now, he was anxious about admitting the truth to Mammon. What exactly he was afraid of, I didn’t know. Did he think his brother would be angry, or disappointed?

“After I started to recover from being sick, I got hungry...really hungry,” Beel began. “I-I wasn’t in control of myself. I ate everything in the kitchen.” I placed a hand on one of the fleshy walls, hoping it would come across as reassuring. “And then...and then Y/N came in.” He winced as he said it, and honestly, I did too.

“What exactly are ya sayin’?” Mammon’s voice had taken on an edge, a dangerous edge I hadn’t ever heard before.

Beel swallowed hard. “Mammon, I...I shrank Y/N and ate them.” He spit out the last part of the sentence, as if he was worried if he didn’t say it fast enough, he would never say it.

“You what?!” Mammon roared. I heard a commotion, and then suddenly everything around me lurched. I threw my arms out to brace myself against the walls. I definitely had not missed being thrown around like a ragdoll inside someone’s stomach, completely subject to their massive movements. “No, that can’t be right. Y/N has a pact with you. They woulda ordered you to stop.”

I could visualize the kicked puppy look on Beel’s face perfectly as he admitted to what he’d done in his hunger-fueled delirium. “They couldn’t. I put a silencing spell on them.”

More rough movements rocked my world, and then I heard, as well as felt, an echoing slam. I had a suspicion Mammon had just shoved Beel against a wall, which was difficult for me to imagine. I didn’t think I had ever seen him get violent with his brothers, or anyone for that matter.

“Mammon! Relax, I’m fine!” I shouted. The last thing I wanted was for things to get more physical, for my own sake as well as for Beel and Mammon’s. Seeing the brothers bicker and get at each other’s throats was commonplace, but I never enjoyed witnessing them coming to blows.

“Y/N?” Mammon exclaimed, his tone of voice instantly shifting. “Y/N, if you didn’t order Beel not to hurt you then you’re in danger! You’ll get digested--”

“Don’t worry, as soon as I got my voice back I made sure that wouldn’t happen,” I promised. The unfiltered concern in Mammon’s voice was more than a little endearing. The guy was quick to play the aloof, uncaring demon, though of course I knew that was all an act. It was refreshing to hear him being genuine and not attempting to hide his true feelings.

I could feel Beelzebub’s heartbeat begin to come down from its heightened rate as the tension in the room began to lessen. Once again he placed a gentle hand against his stomach, and I reciprocated with my much smaller hand on the other side.

“The only problem is I can’t bring them back up the same way you did,” Beel told Mammon regretfully.

“I guess that means you found ‘em tasty, huh?” Mammon said in a grumpy tone. Evidently he was aware of the little stipulation that prevented the Avatar of Gluttony from throwing up. I wasn’t shocked to hear Mammon was none too pleased about “his human” getting eaten by another demon. The Avatar of Greed was nothing if not possessive.

“Even the worst humans have a good flavor,” Beel remarked. “Of course Y/N would be leagues ahead of them.” My heart fluttered at the compliment, though it was a bit spoiled by the context of said compliment. I was glad Beel considered me to be “leagues ahead” of the worst humans, though I didn’t really like the fact that that seemed to go hand in hand with my level of tastiness.

“None of that matters,” I called out, eager to direct the conversation away from how enjoyable I apparently was to eat. “What matters is getting me the hell out of here.”

“Damn right,” Mammon was quick to reply. I had a feeling his determination was in large part attributed to his possessiveness.

Before Mammon had eaten me, when he was trying to convince me to agree to the whole endeavor in the first place, he had mentioned a backup place in case he was unable to cough me up naturally. His exact words had been, “if I can’t get ya out naturally, I could always just swallow the end of a string and pull ya out that way.” While the idea did sound pretty ridiculous and silly, I didn’t see any reason why it couldn’t work.

“Mammon, do you really think Beel swallowing the end of a string would work?” I questioned. I would be more than a little pissed if he had only offered that as a suggestion to trick me into letting myself get swallowed.

“Oh yeah, good idea!” Mammon exclaimed. “Lemme go find somethin’ that’ll work.”

“Wait, hold on a second--” Beel started to protest but was quickly interrupted.

“Beel, you should go to Y/N’s room so we don’t gotta worry about anyone walkin’ in on us.” After that came the sound of hurried footsteps exiting the room.

Beel remained still for a moment before releasing a soft sigh. “I’m going to make my way to your room,” he announced. “I doubt we’ll run into anyone at this hour, but just try not to move too much just in case.” He gave one last soft pat to his stomach before heading off.

While Beel definitely seemed to be making an effort to move slowly and carefully, the ride inside his stomach was still fairly unsteady. While it may have been my second time being eaten, that didn’t mean I was anywhere near used to the experience of riding around in a giant stomach.

Thankfully the trip to my bedroom didn’t last long and was completely uneventful. Once I heard the sound of the door clicking shut behind us, I let out a relieved sigh. “Is it okay if I sit down?” Beel asked tentatively.

A little smile formed on my face. Beel was so considerate and sweet. It was definitely a different experience being in his stomach than in Mammon’s. Aside from Beel’s far more mindful behavior, his stomach was also significantly bigger than Mammon’s had been. Of course that wasn’t surprising. He was the Avatar of Gluttony after all.

“Yeah, that’s fine,” I replied with a light chuckle.

My environment creased slightly, signalling that Beelzebub had gone ahead and taken a seat. I myself took a seat at the bottom of the stomach, reclining slightly. Feeling much more confident that I would make it out of this situation alive, I allowed myself to relax a little bit. To be honest, being inside someone’s stomach was kind of comfy in its own weird way. I had gotten one of the best night’s sleep I’d had in awhile when I’d spent the night with Mammon. Of course, I would never admit that. Mammon’s head was already big enough as it was.

“Hey, Y/N?” I could feel Beel tracing patterns on the outside of his stomach as he spoke. “You know that I don’t, you know, just see you as food, right?” There was nervousness in his voice, as well as a large dose of guilt. He clearly hadn’t forgiven himself for what he’d done despite me having already given my forgiveness.

I paused for a moment. All seven of the demon brothers viewing me as tasty in some capacity was something I had accepted a while ago. I had forged friendships with them knowing that fact. At the start, the only thing keeping any of them from eating me had been my status as an exchange student. However, I believed things had changed. I couldn’t imagine any of the brothers intentionally trying to bring harm to me anymore. Even Belphegor had gone from wanting to kill me to being a close friend.

So maybe they all still secretly imagined eating me. It didn’t matter. Because I was convinced that none of them would put that desire before my wellbeing--so long as they were in their right mind of course. “Don’t worry, I know,” I reassured the demon.

“You’re sure?” Beel asked uncertainly. “Because I know I always talk about how delicious you look, and I ask if I can eat you sometimes--”

“Hey, I get it...well I sort of do anyway,” I said. “Humans are usually on the demon menu. I suppose it’s normal for you to want to eat us.” I added with a shrug.

I tried to imagine the situation from the demon perspective. To put it into human terms, I had to guess it would be like having a delectable ice cream sundae walking around and talking. I definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable eating a sentient ice cream...but that was beside the point.

“That doesn’t make what I did okay,” Beel stated firmly.

I sighed. “Well no, but like I said, that wasn’t really you.” I didn’t care that he wanted to eat me when he was in his right mind. All that mattered to me was that he didn’t actually do it.

It seemed likely that Beel would try to argue with me, but he didn’t get the chance before I heard the bedroom door opening. “Alright, let’s get Y/N outta there!” Mammon announced.

[stranger-who-writes-fiction]

Back at it again with my self-indulgent comic posts. This time! It’s Supergirl: Woman of Tomorrow #3, perhaps the most tonally-distinct entry yet, with shades of The Twilight Zone. 

Spoilers!

So, as mentioned, this issue is the most deliberate in terms of both its pacing and its tone, IMO.

What is that tone, you ask?

To quote Alex Danvers, from “Midvale”: Hello, darkness.

THE STORY:

Kara and Ruthye are still looking for Krem Clues in the alien town of Maypole.

(Which is actually just Small Town, USA, complete with vintage 50s aesthetics.)

But the locals are clearly hiding something! So Kara and Ruthye continue to investigate, and they eventually discover what it was that the residents of Maypole were so keen to keep hidden. 

Genocide, basically. 

As I said, this issue struck me as very Twilight Zone; a genre story involving the build-up to a dark twist, all set against the backdrop of an idyllic small town. (Think, like, “The Monsters are Due on Maple Street” but instead of focusing on the Red Scare, it’s classism and racism.)

The wealthier blue aliens kicked all of the purple aliens out of town, and when space pirates showed up to pillage and plunder, the blue aliens made a deal with them: the lives of the purple aliens in exchange for their safety.  

Which is where the episodic story connects to the larger mission; it was Krem who suggested the trade, and then joined up with the Brigands (space pirates) when he was freed by the blue aliens.

The issue ends with no tidy resolution to the terrible things Kara and Ruthye discovered, but they do have a lead on where to find Krem, now, as well as Barbond’s Brigands.

KARA-CTERIZATION:

Ironically, it’s here, in the darkest chapter yet, that we get the closest to what might be considered ‘classic’ Kara. 

Which I think comes down to that aforementioned deliberate pace--this issue is a little slower, a little quieter. It gives the characters some room to breathe.

That’s not to say Crusty Kara is gone. Oh no. She is still very much Crusty. XD 

But anyways. A list! Of Kara moments I loved!

I mentioned a few of these in a prior post when the preview pages came out: I like the moment where Kara blows down the guy’s house of cards, and I like that the action is echoed later in the issue when she grabs the mayor’s desk and tosses it aside. A nice visual representation of the escalation of Kara being, like. Done with these creeps. (Creeps is an understatement but you get the idea.)

Another one from the preview pages: Kara explains to Ruthye that her super hearing won’t necessarily help her detect a lie, especially if she’s dealing with an alien species she’s not familiar with.

It not only reveals her level of competence and understanding of her super powers, it also shows that, you know. She’s a thinker. She’s smart. 

Amazing! Showing, rather than telling us, that Kara is smart! Without mentioning the science guild at all wow hey wow.

(Sorry, pointed criticism of the SG show fandom.)

Anyways.

I dig the PJs! 

And Kara catching the bullet! Not only are the poses and character acting great, it’s also a neat bit of panel composition:

We start with Ruthye’s POV, and then move to the wide shot of the room. The panel where Kara actually catches the bullet is down and to the side of the wide shot panel--we move our eyes the way her body/arm would have to move to intercept the bullet. Physicality in static, 2D images!

Also, like. It’s a very tense moment, life-or-death, but. Ruthye’s wide-eyed surprise at the bullet in Kara’s hand? Kind of adorable. 

I was pretty much prepared for the page of Kara shielding Ruthye from the gunfire to be the highlight--it was one of the first pages King shared and I was like, ‘yeah, YEAH.’ But, shockingly? The TRUE highlight of the issue?

Where do I BEGIN?!?!

EVERYTHING. About this moment. Is lovely.

From Kara holding Ruthye above the bench to explaining the concept of a piggyback ride, to telling her:

“I’m going to hold my hands here, and these hands can turn coal into diamonds, so they’re not going to let go. I’m going to keep you safe.”

HNNNNNNNNNNNG.

Ruthye’s narration--about how Kara had avoided flying as she was concerned it would freak Ruthye out--just adds a whole additional layer of YES, GOOD, YES, and her line on that splash page is great: “You see, all that time, she was worried about me.”

HNNNNNNNNNNNG. AGAIN.

To say nothing of the STELLAR ARTWORK.

And SPEAKING of that stellar artwork, Evely and Lopes continue to knock it out of the park. Each issue is distinct and beautifully crafted, a true joy to look at.

Before I jump into more of the art, a few final notes of character stuff in general.

Ruthye is the one most affected by the experience in Maypole, as she can’t comprehend how a society of people that look so nice and gentle and peaceful could have been party to such a horrible act.

One of the big criticisms of the book thus far is that Supergirl is not the main character, and I guess I can agree with that observation. Typically, in Western media, the main character is the one who goes through the most change in the story. 

And, yeah. That’s Ruthye.

As I was reading the end, where Ruthye sits on the curb and Kara hugs her, I was imagining how the scene would’ve played, had King stuck with the original idea for the series: Kara as the one learning to be tough/experiencing all of this for the first time, and while I think that could certainly work...

I continue to appreciate that King literally flipped the script; that Kara, especially in this issue, is like, ‘I’ve seen this, I know this,’ as opposed to being the one going through a loss of innocence.

*Marge Simpson voice* I just think it’s neat!

Because Kara’s been a teen in DC comics for so long--ever since she was reintroduced to the main DCU continuity, actually--so this is all brand new territory, here. Having an older Kara who’s SEEN SOME STUFF.

(Alsoooooo, since Bendis made the destruction of Krypton not just inaction and climate disaster, but rather, genocide, and the subtext of a Kryptonian diaspora text, the waitress’ derogatory comment regarding the the destruction of Kryton, as well as Kara picking up the bad vibes the entire time, suggests not just a broad commentary on discrimination in all its forms, but specifically allegorical anti-Semitism. The purple aliens being forced out of their homes and into substandard living conditions, then the blue aliens--their neighbors and once-fellow residents--essentially allowing the space pirates to kill them, making them literal scapegoats, Kara discovering the remains of the purple aliens, and Ruthye’s horror at the ‘banality of evil’...yes. A case could be made, I think.) 

(Which would probably require a post unto itself and a lot more in-depth discussion, nuance, and cited sources.)

(Should mention that King has brought up that both he and Orlando--the other Supergirl writer he talked to--are Jewish, and for him personally, that shaped his views on Kara’s origin story.)

I guess my point is that this issue is perhaps not as out-of-left-field as some might think, and just because there isn’t as obvious an arc for Kara, doesn’t mean there isn’t some sharp character work at play. 

(I could be WAY OFF, of course, and I’m not suggesting it’s a clear 1:1 comparison. I’d actually really love to hear King talk about this issue in particular.)

Anyways.

Here’s the final page, which I think works, because as I mentioned before, there is no easy answer/quick wrap-up to the story of Maypole:

THE ART:

I mean. How many times can I just shout ‘ART! AAAARRRRRRRRRRRTTTT!’ before it gets old?

I dunno, but I guess we’re gonna FIND OUT.

There are some panels in this issue that I just. Like ‘em! From a purely artistic standpoint! Because they’re so good!

Like, I just really love the way Kara is drawn in that top panel. Her troubled, confused expression, the colors of the fading light, the HAIR. 

Evely draws the best hair. I know I’ve said this before. I don’t care. I will continue to say it, because it continues to be true.

The issue I find myself running up against when I make these posts is that I really don’t want to post whole pages, as that’s generally frowned upon (re: pirating etc.) but with something like this, you just can’t appreciate it in panel-by-panel snippets.

(Guided View on digital reading platforms is a BANE and a POX I say!)

Anyways.

LOVE the implied movement of the cape settling as Kara speeds in and stops. 

And, obviously, Kara flicking the bullet away is just. A+. 

And the EYES, man. LOPES’ COLORS ON THE EYES???!?! BEAUTIFUL.

Also, should note the lettering! The more rounded letters for the ‘WOOSH’ of Kara’s speed (and, earlier, the super breath) work nicely, and contrast with the angular, violent BLAMS of the gunshots. 

And, I gotta say, the editor is doing a really great job of not cluttering up the artwork with all the caption boxes. Which is no small task.

(I assume the editor is placing them, as editors usually handle word balloon/caption box placement, but I suppose it could be Evely? Sometimes the artist handles it. Either way, whoever’s taking care of all the text, EXCELLENT WORK! BRAVO!)

Okay I think that’s everything.

Ah, nope, wait.

MISC.

Just a funny observation, more than anything else: Superman: Red and Blue dropped this week, and King had a story in there, “The Special” (which was very good, btw.) Both Lois and the waitress swear a lot so I’m beginning to think that this is just how King writes dialogue for any adult character who isn’t Clark. XD

This is absolutely a personal preference but when Kara was like, “And my name IS Supergirl,” I was like nooooo. I know King is trying to simplify all of the conflicting origin stories and lore but I LIKE KARA DANVERS, SIR. XD

It’s almost assuredly a cash-grab/an attempt for DC to get all the money it can out of a book they don’t have much confidence in, but I like the cardstock covers! Very classy, much Strange Adventures.

(OH my gosh, can you imagine that issue 1 cover with spot gloss???? Basically the only way you could possibly improve on it.) 

Okay NOW I’m done. For real. XD NEXT TIME: Kara and Ruthye go after Krem and the Brigands!

[thewraith8]

Shadow and Bone Netflix Show - Brief Analysis

In this post I am going to break down the things I liked, the things I did not like, and just a general overview of my thoughts on the Shadow and Bone Netflix show. This is coming from someone who has read the Shadow and Bone trilogy about three years ago, the Six of Crows duology about a year ago, and has just recently watched the show when it premiered. I am a big fan of the duology and I did find the trilogy decently enjoyable at the time that I read it. 

I would like to preface this by saying that, as this is an overview, I will not be going into a lot of detail with regards to every scene. I may do something like that in future posts where I discuss each scene or character separately but this is more of a general overview. I would also like to clarify that I will not be addressing anything super in depth about the racism in the show as I am not very educated on the topic. I know that a lot of people have many different views on it and as someone who is Asian, my personal view is that it was fine. Some pieces of dialogue would occasionally feel a little forced but I personally do not believe it was a bad idea to make Alina a mixed race character. I know sometimes it can really feel like the producers and writers are trying to be diverse by adding POC to the cast and having the character face some form of discrimination every other scene but this show did not feel like it was pushing it super hard. There was so much else going on in the show that I did not mind those few scenes where they did address racism. 

So this is going to be divided into three parts. The first is production quality. The second is casting, acting, and character portrayals. And third is the writing and storytelling. So now let’s get into it.

Production quality: 

This was one of the biggest things I feared would be terrible about the show and would greatly impact my opinion of it because in a visual medium it is very difficult to get past bad visual effects, sets, etc. I knew it would be the first thing I would notice upon starting the show and I was very pleasantly surprised to see that money was clearly spent in the production with the incredible effects, costumes, props, set designs, and cinematography. I will say I am not educated on the subject of filmmaking and cinematography but from the little I do understand I think it was done very well.

There were also certain aspects I noticed when comparing the filming of scenes between the two storylines.  Mal and Alina’s scenes such as when they are writing letters to each other or when we get flashbacks of them at the orphanage, are more slow and soothing almost like gentle waves swaying back and forth on a beach. Their voices and dialogue are also soft and warm and this really gives a good sense of their relationship and dynamic. In contrast, when you look at scenes involving the crows, the filming is a lot quicker and snappier and things are generally more fast paced. Their dialogue, which involves a lot of banter or back and forths, is also great in showing their dynamic as well as their own individual character. 

Moving on to set designs and costumes, I think these were done really well. The throne room of the Little Palace was almost exactly as I had imagined it to look and the palace in general with the rooms and hallways did appear to be high quality. The Fold was also very well done though something I found a little strange was the occasional bursts of lightning in the sky. I think that sort of defeats the purpose of it being this completely dark place. Other than that it was exactly as I would imagine it to look. Ketterdam was also exactly as I imagined it to be with the dark alleys and dingy streets. With regards to the costumes, I think they were beautiful. Alina’s costumes in particular were really well done. I loved the way they did her hair and make up in certain scenes like when they go through the Fold that last time. The Keftas that the Grisha wore were incredible and accurate to the books with the different colours of each for the different kinds of Grisha. The crows’ costumes were also exactly what I imagined each of them to look like and felt really connected to their characters. Overall I think the set designs and costumes were fantastic.

All in all I would give production a 9.5/10. 

2. Casting, acting, and character portrayals:

Casting was also one of my fears for this show since the characters for me are the most important part of any story and if the cast is not good then the characters will not come across in the best way possible. I was once again so pleasantly surprised with the actors and actresses chosen for each role. I was worried about cringy acting as well and I am so glad there was no point at which I was cringing at any of the acting. The actors all appeared to have great chemistry and it came across wonderfully on screen. I’m going to briefly go through each of the main characters and the actor or actress that plays them and my thoughts on the acting and character portrayals alone. Later in the thrid section of this long post I will talk about each character with regards to how they were written.  

Alina: I personally believe Jessie Mei Li played a perfect Alina Starkov. She really gave off the vibe of being this important figure, a Sun Summoner, without it feeling annoying or as though she knows she is the main character of the story. I think her acting and expressions were generally well done. 

Mal: Though Archie Renaux was not how I imagined Mal to look, I think he did a great job of portraying the character. His interactions with Jessie Mei Li also felt very natural and they definitely had good chemistry. 

Darkling: Again, I think Ben Barnes was the perfect casting for the Darkling and his portrayal of the character was very well done. There were times where he would get teary eyed when talking to Alina and I understand that it was part of his character in being manipulative but it looked just a bit weird because crying is just something that almost humanizes him which I think does not fit with the idea and aesthetic of his character. You can still have him be manipulative and appear a victim to Alina without him crying or getting teary eyed. I think he would be able to get that across better with a tragic expression and tone of voice. But overall I think he made a great Darkling.

Kaz: Once again perfect casting with Freddy Carter. And really for this one, props to the directors and others who cast him for this role because this was a diffcult character to get the perfect casting for. Kaz’s character is probably the one that I have the biggest problem with but that has more to do with the writing aspect of his character. With regards to the casting and acting, I think Freddy Carter was amazing. First of all, he looks exactly as I would imagine Kaz to look. Second, his expressions and mannerisms were on point. And third, he had really good chemistry with Amita Suman (Inej) and Kit Young (Jesper). 

Inej: I feel like I keep repeating myself but once again I think this casting was perfect. Amita Suman as Inej just felt very right. Her portrayal of the character was amazing, she looked just as I imagined Inej would, and her chemistry with the other actors was incredible. 

Jesper: Once again great casting with Kit Young as Jesper. He got across that charisma and humour that Jesper is known for extremely well through his expressions and body language. He also appeared to have great chemistry with the rest of the cast. 

Nina: Another great choice to cast Danielle Galligan as Nina. I think she captured Nina’s energy or “vibe” perfectly with her voice and body language. 

Matthias: Calahan Skogman is exactly as I pictured Matthias to look so I think he was a great choice as well. 

Overall I think the casting, acting, and character portrayals in this show were spectacular so I would give it a 10/10.

3. Writing and storytelling/ How it was as an adaptation:

This is, in my opinion, the section with the most issues even though they were very few. 

Overall I think the writing was great. There were a few cliche pieces of a dialogue but those were very few. The dialogue for each of the characters felt natural and never felt out of character. As I mentioned previously, Mal and Alina’s dialogue had a warmth to it and their dynamic of childhood best friends came across really well through their dialogue. It did not feel as though they were trying really hard to have that dynamic. I also think it was a great decision to have the letters they wrote to each other be narration for many of the scenes that we saw them in. This was a great method of really getting across what they were feeling while they were apart and allowing the viewer to empathize with them. On the other hand a similar sort of technique was used with the crows. Whenever they were carrying out some sort of heist or mission, Kaz would be narrating the plan while we were watching it physically play out on screen. The dialogue between the crows was generally good and mostly in character. Their dynamic came across really well in a lot of their banter. 

With regards to the storytelling and as an adaptation, I also think the show did a pretty great job. Alina’s storyline was coherent and had a logical progression from beginning to end, following the major plot beats of the book. The main issue I have with it is that it felt rushed. I think adding an episode or two may really have helped with the pacing. It felt as though Alina learns about her powers and is taken to the Little Palace where she’s conflicted for maybe an episode and then suddenly she feels at home and like she belongs. We barely get to see her training at the Little Palace with Baghra or Botkin or see the development of her friendships with Marie and Nadia as well as with Genya. That part of her arc, which was a major part of it, felt rushed. Other than that I think the show did a good job of getting her from point A to B in a cohesive way.  

The crows storyline, I thought, was incredible because, since I am a big fan of the duology, I loved getting to see the crows and how they were before the events of Six of Crows. I think it was fun seeing their lives in Ketterdam and the way they worked before Nina, Matthias, or Wylan joined them. I was worried about how they would be incorporated in the story and that it would not feel natural but I think the decision to make their goal be to get Alina was a great way to tie them into the main storyline. It made sense with their characters that they would do something like that to get money and it made Alina’s storyline even more interesting. Getting to see interactions between the characters of both the trilogy and duology was one of the best parts of the show for me. Think about it. These were interactions we could only have hoped to see in the books and the show brought that to life and gave us those interactions. The crows’ storyline did feel a little less cohesive than Alina’s but this also made sense with their characters and the mission they had to carry out. There were many parts of the plan that needed to be completed, different heists and side missions, in order for them to reach their end goal which was kidnapping Alina from the Little Palace so it made sense that their storyline was a little less straightforward. Overall I think they had a very interesting and captivating story.

As an adaptation I think the show did quite well. Further down in this post I am going to discuss the major issues I had with the show as part of this section where I am discussing writing, storytelling, and the show as an adaptation. But in general I think the show did well in adapting the characters as well as Alina’s storyline. The crows’ storyline was obviously something that was not taken from the books but something that I could definitely see them doing. I think the show also did a great job of adapting the world and all of its intricacies as well as giving off that atmosphere that you get a sense of when reading the books. I also liked that there were many pieces of dialogue taken straight from the books which really made the characters of the show feel exactly like those of the book. 

Okay, now breaking down the few issues I had:

Kaz’s character: I think if we look at Kaz in the books, we can break his character down into two parts, the two defining parts:

His intelligence, wit, and strategic mind.

His cruel and brutal nature.

I think the show got both of these wrong on different levels. One of these can be explained while the other cannot. In the show, Kaz is not nearly as intelligent or strategic as he is shown to be in the books. We see on a number of occasions in the show that he has been taken advantage of or that he is not in the upperhand of a situation. I think that is a major change from his character in the book where one of the things you remembered about Kaz was how he was always ten steps ahead of his opponent. But this is an issue that can be explained and given depth by considering that the crows’ storyline in the show takes place prior to the events of Six of Crows and that at this point in time, Kaz hasn’t become that quick-witted, mastermind, strategist we know him to be in the books. We can see the beginnings of that character in the way he is portrayed in the show and can understand that his natural progression would be to the character from the books in the aspect of his intelligence. On the other hand however, there is still the second major part of his character and that part is a little bit of a bigger problem. That has to do with his completely cruel and brutal nature from the books. This was one of his major defining features and was very strongly rooted in his backstory. It was his past with Pekka Rollins and the death of his brother Jordie that brought about this ruthlessness in him. And what made his character so interesting and dynamic was how he was very slowly becoming a more caring person. It was a very slow progression but it was there nonetheless. You could see it in the way he cared for Inej and the rest of the crew. By the end he was still no where near being a gentleman, but there was still a change in him from the beginning to end. This is where I think the show messed up a little and it is an issue that I don’t really think can be resolved. The show made Kaz more soft and kind in nature. He definitely wasn’t entirely nice but you could tell he was a lot nicer compared to his book counterpart. Certain scenes in which he is talking to Inej felt a little too soft in particular the scene in which it almost seems as though he is about to confess something to her when she rushes out of the room and he calls after her. I don’t imagine book Kaz would ever do that. Or when he tells her that no one is like her. These are all moments where he appears to be much softer compared to the Kaz in the books that was cold and cruel. This is also an issue that cannot really be fixed in future seasons because the natural progression for the show then would be that he gets softer then he already is which means we will not get to see the Kaz from the books at all or with any accuracy.  If future seasons do make him exactly as he is in the duology then there will be the issue of it not feeling consistent with the character he was made to be in the shows. However I will end off by saying that even despite his character not being entirely accurate to that of the books, I still very much enjoyed watching every scene he was in and this issue did not ruin the overall experience of the show for me. I think what they did with his character still worked really well with the story, so overall it was not a major issue for me in changing my opinion of the show. 

Nina telling Matthias why she got him imprisoned as a slaver: This I find to be a greater problem that could have so easily been fixed by taking out just a few pieces of dialogue. I think a big part of what made Nina and Matthias’ story so heartbreaking was this pivotal moment when Nina turns him in as a slaver to save his life. And he doesn’t learn the truth until they reunite in the present day of Six of Crows. He spends that time in Hellgate believing that she betrayed him and that she really was the deceitful and dishonest witch he believed her and all other Grisha to be. Then when he finally does learn the truth, it is this big moment and then he has a slow progression to eventually believing it. The show eliminated the entire part of what made their story so tragic by having Nina tell him the truth of what happened immediately after she has him captured. So there is no possibility of this slow journey that Matthias has of accepting that truth. In the show he almost seems mean now for not believing or at least trying to believe what Nina tells him. Overall this is probably one of my biggest gripes with the whole show.

The Darkling creating the Fold: Another issue that could quite easily have been fixed is how the Darkling created the fold. The show made it to be that he came across a small slip of paper, he read what was on it, and then he gained the ability to create the Fold. That is too simple of an explanation for how something as grand as the Shadow Fold was created. I think this could have rather easily have been fixed so that even if it was still easy it wouldn’t be as easy as just happening upon a slip of paper. They could have done it by showing a montage of him looking through all the books in the archive and figuring out that there is some sort of code that he needed to put together and when he does piece it together and perform some sort of ritual, then he gains this ability to create the Fold. That would have made it more believable and the scene would only have been slightly longer than what it was in the show. 

Crows letting Alina escape: This was another issue I had that sort of adds to how they changed Kaz’s character because book Kaz would never have allowed Alina to escape so easily. Even the Kaz in the show would not have been outsmarted by Alina. This was one thing that felt a little out of character for the crows because, fine, I can understand that Alina blinded them for those few seconds with her light and Inej was not in on the plan of capturing her anymore, but how was Alina able to run out of sight so fast that neither Kaz nor Jesper saw where she went. Then on top of that, they aren’t discreet about finding her, as Kaz is always careful to be. Instead they go around the streets describing how she looks and asking people if they’ve seen her. I am not entirely sure what they could have done to solve this issue but I don’t believe the solution was very difficult. Maybe they could have explained through a short piece of dialogue that Alina used her power in a way that blinded them for more than thirty seconds which gave Alina enough time to get out of sight. Whatever the reason, I think this should not have been an issue because, despite seeming small, I think it says a lot about the crows’ characters. And I definitely don’t think this was a bad scene at all because I loved seeing this interaction and seeing Inej’s reaction to Alina. I just think the issue of Alina escaping so easily should have been addressed. 

For now, after watching the show just once, those were the major issues in writing and storytelling that I had with the show. If I have more thoughts about this after watching it again, I will make another post about it. Now I want to talk about some things that the show added that were not in the books and what was changed or kept from the books, that I liked. 

Mal’s character: The change that was made to Mal’s character in the show was probably the biggest and best change that could have been made. One of the major reasons I do not like the Shadow and Bone trilogy anywhere near as much as the Six of Crows duology is the characters. Sure, I found the world and plot interesting when I read the trilogy a few years back and even at times the characters were good, but a lot of the time I was either annoyed with Alina or with Mal. Most of the time it was Mal because he didn’t really feel like he was a great friend to Alina because of the way he treated her for being Grisha. I think a lot of my frustration with him also came from the story being entirely in Alina’s perspective so we never got to see any of what Mal was going through. The times that we did see him, he was either angry at or overly protective of Alina and there were only few occasions where he was being a good friend. The show really changed that with allowing us to see his perspective and all the difficulty and trauma he was going through to be with Alina. The show succeeded in making him an empathetic character and I think that is one of the most necessary things in creating a likeable character. Through his dialogue and actions, we were able to see how much he really cared for Alina. There were never any long stretches of time where he was angry with her or, on the other hand, where he was being overly protective of her. He was continuously being a good and supportive friend and that made the biggest difference in my liking his character. It is also what made me really enjoy Alina’s storyline as well because there was no point at which I found either Alina or Mal or any other character involved in their story, annoying to watch. 

No mourners no funerals: I was overjoyed when this line came up in the show because it is such an iconic line from the duology that I absolutely love and it was great to see it said on screen. Similarly, I was so glad that we also got to see Kaz say the line, “The deal is the deal.” and say it to Alina. 

Interactions between S&B and SoC characters: This was probably one of my favourite things about the show. It really felt like watching two worlds collide. I loved watching Kaz and Inej posing as guards and trying to escort Alina so they can take her. Watching Inej’s reactions to Alina was one of the best things. Then, Mal teaming up with the crows when they are in the Fold was one of the strangest but coolest interactions. Alina giving Inej the knife that she later names Sankta Alina was one of the best interactions I could have hoped for with the crossing of these two casts of characters. And to end it with Alina giving Kaz that valuable piece of jewelry, an interaction I never thought I would see, was incredible. 

Conductor: The addition of this character I think was a great idea. He definitely added to the storyline of the crows and was an interesting character on his own. He was the cause of a lot of the funniest dialogue and moments in the show like when the crows are crossing the fold for the first time. Overall, I think it was a good decision to add him in. 

Now last but not least, the thing that stole the show and beat everything else by far was:

(Drum roll)

Milo the goat!

And with nothing more to say about that, we’ve reached the conclusion of this very long post. My overall rating for this third and last section, which is regarding the writing and storytelling, would be an 8.5/10, a very good score. 

If I were to rate the show over all, I would give it a 9.3/10 because I think it was spectacular in many aspects. The few gripes I did have were not anything too major, though if those aspects were fixed I think this would be a top-tier show and adaptation for me. 

What do you think about everything that I said? Do you agree or disagree? I’d love to have a discussion so feel free to reach out and comment!

[lokislytherin]

hot stuff, beware!

pairing: waiter!jeon jeongguk x reader

summary: it’s winter, and you’re cold, but the waiter in the cafe is cute as hell and your best friend is a demon in the flesh.

word count: 1670

a/n: mERRY CHRISTMAS @jungkooksbish​ ILY (this is not my best fic tho :( i’m not really too satisfied)

let’s all pretend this entire covid thing is over! i wrote this in summer, hoping quarantine would be over by now, but oh well

enjoy! 

(sorry i gave myself a cameo again, also my jin bias jumped out)

You have to say, winter is not your favorite season.

Of course, having a few whole weeks of break to rest after months of school is nice - the holidays give you the chance to take a break from your hectic schedule, hang out with your friends without having to stress about schoolwork.  As a bonus, you get to wear lovely winter boots that make your long legs look great, and you love wearing large fluffy jackets you can drown in, but...

“Fück,” you groan, “it’s so cold!”

This winter is especially horrible.  As if the cold isn’t bad enough, it’s that time of the month for you, which makes everything a hundred times worse. Not only are you a walking marshmallow, you’re also cranky as hell, with your damn hormones all over the place.  Your cramps are especially bad today, but you’re willing to shove your pain aside in favor for hanging out with your friend.  Months of quarantine have left you itching to leave your house.  You’ve been a couch potato for too long.

You shiver, wrapping your arms around yourself.  You regret that immediately.  Your hands are cold! “Hug me,” you demand, “I’m cold.”

Your friend tucks themselves further into their numerous amounts of jackets.  “I literally can’t move.” A rather hairless poodle trots by, shivering and whining miserably.  “Ooh, wouldn’t wanna be that guy.”

You crack a smile, amusement warming your cheeks.  “Pfft.”

Both of you squeal in delight and surprise when a gust of warm wind blasts you out of nowhere.  “It’s warm in there!” You shout triumphantly, heedless of the strange looks a few passerby's are throwing in your direction.  You grab your friend by the arm and they yelp, dragged along by your large strides.  “We’re heading in there, and we’re finding the warmest place to sit.”

Both of you speed-walk to the nearest café.  “Did you even need to ask?”

You stumble into the warmth.  The café isn’t particularly big, but it’s warm and the décor is cute and that’s more than enough to make you happy for the time being.

Your friend whistles as they look around.  “So this is the infamous Bring The Sweet, huh?” They glance at the violet fairy lights strung low on the walls.  “Probably looks better at night.”

You raise an eyebrow.  “Why infamous?”

They raises an eyebrow right back, but it’s barely a match against your thick, especially-expressive ones.  “Haven’t you heard?” They lower their voice, looking around like they’ve got a secret.  “Apparently, everyone here is insanely good looking.” You settle in a booth next to the patisserie, and they inhale deeply.  “Food will always be better than guys, though.”

They shoot you a pointed glance, and you shrug.  “I have a weak heart, okay? I catch feels easily.”

One of the pâtissiers has clearly been eavesdropping, because he muffles a laugh, only to be roughly elbowed by his coworker, who hisses at him to stop being nosy and deal with this annoying Karen with me, goddammit.

The clacking of heavy boots alerts you to an oncoming waiter.  You turn around - and scream.  Inwardly.

“Hi there, ladies, what can I get you?” 

Good lord, this waiter is cute.

Your heart thumps wildly in your chest.  His long sleeves cover his muscular arms, and tattoos peek over his knuckles.  It doesn’t match his bunny cheeks and absolutely adorable smile.  

You’re too busy trying to memorize his name tag - Jeon Jeongguk - to realize you’re staring and being very obvious about it.  Seriously, if all the staff in the cafe have the same visual standards...

A throat-clearing and a not-so-subtle kick to the shin jolts you back into reality.  “Hot chocolate!”

Your friend disguises their wheeze of laughter as a sneeze.

“I mean, I’d like a hot chocolate, please!”

Jeon Jeongguk smiles at your blunder, lopsided and amused.  Your heart’s beating so hard you think you might faint.  How could you embarrass yourself like this, in front of a boy as cute as him? 

“One hot chocolate and one latte, coming right up!”

Is it just you, or does he wink before walking off?

Your friend groans, sarcastic but playful.  “Could you be more obvious?”

Pink dusts your cheeks, a dreamy look spreading across your face.  “He’s just so cute...”

Now you’re 100% sure the pâtissier is invested in your conversation.  Apparently, his name is Kim Seokjin.  “Cute?” He waves a hand dramatically.  “That boy is a menace to society! Besides,” he says with an obvious, exaggerated wink, “why would you choose him when I am clearly superior in every aspect?”

“Jin, work!” The tall manager and the other pâtissier bellow at the same time.  Your friend’s shoulders shake as they splutter in silent laughter.

Seokjin, or Jin, as he’s aptly nick-named, turns to your friend.  “Just between you and me, you agree with me, right? Clearly everybody else isn’t willing to admit that I am the one and only Worldwide Handsome.”

Your friend bats their eyelashes innocently, but you know better than to fall for their innocuous façade.  “If I say yes, will you give me free cookies? Those pastries look pretty nice.”

Jin turns away, sulking.  “The youth these days are so disrespectful,” he complains, “Yoongi, don’t you agree?”

Yoongi sighs a breath of relief, muttering a quiet “thank God” under his breath.

“Hah? What did you say?” You can’t help but giggle at Jin’s blatant indignance.  Even your friend is stifling a laugh, barely managing to thank the waiter bringing them their latte.

“At this point, I’m just glad you didn’t offer them a free cookie just to spite me.”

Jin pouts, ignoring the customer outside who discretely takes a photo.  You duck under the camera range, and your friend leans away.  “Aigoo, do you think you mean so little to me? We’ve been doing this together for weeks now!”

Yoongi just gives him a death glare.  “I’m starting to wish you’d given them the cookie now.”

A light tap on your shoulder with a pen makes you jump.  “Excuse me, Miss? Your drink is here.”

You nearly forget how to speak in front of Jeongguk and his dazzling smile.  “Th- Thank you!”

“No problem!” Your drink is probably sweet, but his smile is even sweeter.  “You should be careful, though, it’s hot too.”

You cock your head.  “Too?”

Seokjin smiles arrogantly.  “Of course, he means me, Worldwide Handsome, the best looking man you’ll ever see-”

Jeongguk looks the other man dead in the eye, puts a hand over your shoulder, and makes a sizzling noise.

You squeak.  Your friend shoots you a thumbs up from across the table.  He thinks you’re hot!

A strangled scream makes its way out of Jin’s throat.  It sounds like the distant relative of a boiling kettle.  “You- You little brat!”

“I’m really sorry about him.” Jeongguk’s gentle voice and innocent words don’t match the shït-eating grin on his face, but you find it kind of hot, actually.  “He’s just salty that he thinks he’s so good looking, but in reality, he's probably not gonna get laid before he turns thirty.”

That cracks you up.  You can’t stop laughing, even though it’s at the handsome pâtissier’s expense.  Yoongi can’t seem to stop his unabashed cackling either.  Your friend waves at Jeongguk, a matching devious smirk on their face.  “Excuse me, but can you pass me a pen? And a piece of paper?”

Jeongguk looks confused, but complies.  Your friend scribbles something down, trying hard not to burst out laughing.  Jin, still pouting, shouts when he sees what your friend has written.  He even helps them shield the paper from you!

Your friend passes the paper to Jeongguk, and when he reads the message he turns beet red from his ears to his neck.  “Have fun!”

Jin discretely steals a cookie from the shelf and passes it to your friend, and they exchange fist-bumps while Yoongi isn’t looking.  “Take care of our Jeonggukkie,” he tells you seriously, “he may be annoying but he’s still my big baby.” He cracks his knuckles.  “Lucky for you, I’m a gentleman, but I’m still amazing at trash-talk.”

“Oh,” the other waiter says, peeking over Jeongguk’s shoulder, “are you going on a da~”

Jeongguk manages to keep his fellow waiter at arms reach, even when they struggle against him.  “A- Are you available tomorrow?” He stammers out.  “Your friend said you want to watch the new Wonder Woman movie, and I think she’s pretty cool too... Wanna go together?”

Deep inside, you clutch at your chest and scream.  So cute! “O- Of course!” You haven’t stuttered this hard over a guy in a long while.  “Can I have your number?”

“Jeongguk,” the manager shouts, waving his hands, “and Jimin, the tables aren’t going to wait themselves.” There’s a fond smile on his face.

“Sorry, Joon!” Jeongguk turns back to you.  “I’ve already got your number... I’ll call you later?” 

He’s still blushing, but so are you.  “I’ll be waiting.”

Fück, you think seconds later, too desperate! 

Jeongguk doesn’t seem to notice, offering you one last bunny-toothed smile before bouncing off, a hop in his step.

“Seriously, though,” Jin grumbles, “take care of him.”

“I will.”

A few days later, winter is your new favorite season.  You look good in your winter-wear, you’ve got free hot chocolate coupons, and guess what? You’ve scored yourself a hot date, and maybe even a new boyfriend.

Maybe being cold isn’t so bad after all, you think to yourself as Jeongguk lends you his jacket.  What a gentleman.  Your sweet Jeonggukkie.

[lochrannn]

For the DVD fic commentary, can I ask about this passage from 'All Rest my Powers Defy': "Instead she turns and pokes him hard in the thigh with her finger. [...] his hand and lips still touching her ankle." (tumblr won't let me post a 500-word ask, dammit!)

Ah, the fic that started it all off XD XD

(All Rest my Powers Defy on AO3 I Tumblr)

Interestingly you picked exactly the scene I had in my head initially and then had to write 3k+ words to get to!

-

Instead she turns and pokes him hard in the thigh with her finger. “Why would I be avoiding you?” she asks with what she hopes isn't a pout. [I wanted this to be somewhat reminiscent of the scene on Elliot's bed. Sure, Lila was playing up the escaped psych ward patient thing but still, I liked the way she was sympathetic but kind of a bit silly because as becomes clear in the rest of that scene, doing sincere isn’t that easy for her. Like I’m 100% sure she deliberately elbowed him in the stab wound when she gave Diego a comforting pat]

Diego huffs out some air and quietly replies “I don't know.” [Diego can talk quite well when he’s helping others work through their shit or if he feels there are some truths they need to here, but so far the only time I remember him being challenged on his own feelings, was when Eudora talked to him after he turned Grace off and when Five asked him why he wanted to avenge Eudora and he ended up either struggling to talk or being a bit of a dick about it. To an extent, actually, both at the same time.]

“Jesus fuck, Diego, I came looking for you, didn't I? I've stuck around with your stupid apocalypse mission [Lila is so used to being part of the Commission and having an out out of time that in my interpretation she genuinely feels a bit like the Hargreeves are over-dramatic about their apocalypse nonsense. She doesn’t take it that seriously, she only came to help so she could stick around with them and maybe prove herself to the siblings and I think she’s annoyed that now she feels like she also has/had to prove herself to Diego]! Fuck, I've mostly played nice with the murderer of my parents [Yeah, she calls him that purely to guilt trip Diego...] for the last two weeks, what could possibly make you think I was avoiding you?” Lila looks up at him with exasperation and sees the guilt flash across his face at the mention of her parents [...and it works XD].

“I –“ he begins but when he can't get past the first word, he stops. And she suspects he does that so he doesn't end up stammering. She remembers him talking about that in group therapy at Holbrook, when, to Lila's horror, Diego would use his real feelings and trauma to try and soften Moncton to his cause. [I mean, I’m sorry, but he really was being a dumbass if he thought he was going to get out sooner if he just played along with therapy. Diego, my guy, you’re a pretty traumatised dude with a lifetime of bad coping mechanisms. Try something a little less dramatic than “My whole childhood was literally an experiment.” Sure, it’s true, but still, keep it light!] The thought of being that honest and open had genuinely caused cold fear to pool in the pit of Lila's stomach. Lying here in the bed next to Diego, though, with no one else around, she's reminded of the time she was lying on top of Elliott's fold out couch and had, for the very first time in her adult life, been honest and unguarded with anyone who wasn't her mother the Handler [you know what, I’m not so sure I like the strike out thing anymore. I had seen similar things done in other fic and really liked the visual representation of Lila’s issue with how to refer to the Handler now even in her own head, but I think those other fics did it better]. She's encouraged by the thought that she's managed it before, so maybe she can do it again.

Lila waits to see if Diego will go on. She knows he hated being talked over as a kid and wants to give him a chance if he has more to say [She definitely knows this because she was pretty bad about it at the asylum (just to get under his skin), until he blew up at her and threatened to never talk to her again, not because they had some calm and gentle heart to heart about it XD]. But he just slowly blinks and then looks down at his hands. 

[Ok, this interaction here, this is what just popped into my head one day and then wouldn’t go away until I wrote some fic about it. Again, it just seems like something Lila would do. There’s so much physicality to the way they interact that I just thought that if neither of them quite knew how to go on with words, one of them would do something physical, seek out some contact, and Lila is already being a bit silly in how she’s planted herself on the bed] On a whim Lila lifts her leg closest to him off the wall, swings it around and lets it fall diagonally across his chest, hitting him hard enough with her calf to make him huff out some air in surprise. Diego looks back at her face and she can see the beginnings of a smile. This is familiar. This is reminiscent of her antics at the asylum. It makes things just a little more normal and comfortable between them.

Diego grabs her ankle and she starts to roll her eyes at him but is interrupted by her breath leaving her in a gasp when she suddenly feels his lips brush against the sensitive, exposed skin between the top of her sock and the bottom of her trousers that have fallen up her leg a little [I agonised over the correct description here XD. Like ok, the trouser leg has gone up her leg, as in the top of the leg is in the direction of the hip, the bottom is ankles and so on, that’s the case whichever way round you’re positioned. But of course the trousers haven’t fallen physically up, like you might fall up some stairs, but rather they actually have gone downwards with gravity. So yeah, gave myself a minor headache trying to decide whether my personal instinct on this would make sense to everyone reading this]. [Also, unrelated to the trouser logistics, I squeed a bit myself at the thought that if Diego was holding her ankle and saw the skin he’d instinctively press a kiss to her skin without really thinking about it just made me feel things! There’s the fact that he’s of course been wanting to kiss her the whole time, he’s just been too dumb and angry about it. The arse over tit way that it’s almost a bit like a romantic kiss of the hand, and maybe even some implications of fealty and submission…. But I haven’t thought too hard about this]

She looks up at him almost in shock, her heart in her throat, and her expression must give him pause because he looks back at her like a deer caught in the headlights, his hand and lips still touching her ankle. [Because, as I said, he’s not even really thought about it, but he’s so caught out that he doesn’t even think to pull away XD]

-

Ok, I think I’m falling short on awful puns, but beyond that I hope this helps XP

[ae0nx]

FRUITS BASKET S2 EPISODE 24 (SEASON 2 FINALE PT 1!!)

Ahhh... yes. I'm finally here. A slow, crawl to catch up but I'm getting there lol. These last two episodes were pretty great and fluffy and then just ended with a crescendo with Kureno that just... abruptly moved me at 1am in the morning! (I didn't ask for it, except I did by just watching this show)

Anyways, let's get into it!

--------------------------------------------------------------

- Awww, yay! End of year party for the presidential club!

Fuckin' RIGHT, Kakeru?! 😂

But for real, I love that Yuki makes such a real effort to make sure Machi is included. Even if it is kinda his responsibility, you can really see the side of him who's desperately nice towards people because he really wants people to like him. However, with Machi specifically, it's the same attitude in a slightly different tone... I wonder why.... <3

- Also, I love Kimi but she sidelines Machi so hard in this episode, like why, dearest, why?!

- Yuki and Kakeru's easy friendship makes me smile almost as much as Kyo and Tohru's cute moments

- The english VA for Machi's mum hit extra hard for some reason. It felt so mean! Great performance, but damn dude lol

- Machi and Yuki noticing each other silently from afar is killing me with it's cuteness and it's so old school romantic? Yet so delightfully awkward as well, it's amazing

Damn, Machi... Fruits Basket's depictions of depression and anxiety have always been pretty spot on through the visuals and through the expressions and metaphors used to describe it. I just really appreciate that Takaya-sensei was so honest with the portrayals of different factions of mental health while still making the story something you still want to come back to.

...But yes, please help Machi! 🥺

Pshhhh <3 Their flustered, anxious, frustrated energy is a lot but I'm here for it

Group shot! Yayyyy :3 I also just wanna say Kimi and Kakeru were contenders for Outfit Appreciation this episode but this episode was bursting full of good looks! Let’s just say... they were 4th and 5th place.

Speaking about flustered, anxious, frustrated energy...

Kyo: ...please, guys. 😅😂🥰 

(Tohru would’ve been in Outfit Appreciation as I love this outfit but I already gave it to her the first time she wore it so...)

Ahaaaaaa 🤣- I love when Tohru gets to be funny!

But awww, Tohru and Kyo staying together at Shishou’s for New Year’s is so cute! <3 Kyo’s definitely right in saying that it feel’s like a proposal... tee hee 

Oh. my. God. A goddess is amongst us. This one was so tough as I love herrr and this might be my 2nd favourite look from her but... she’s 3rd place in Outfit Appreciation. You’ll soon understand why... don’t kill me lol

Lol, so much alpha energy.

Ok.

Ok.

Are you ready?

😍😍😍

...Hatori’s so pretty! And I think he’s wearing the same outfit he was wearing in the illustration in the ending credits? Yes, he gets no. 1 in Outfit Appreciation mostly because he looks amazing in it but I don’t care. I’m biased. I’m imperfect. But I... I’m in love lol

Ritsu gets no. 2 in Outfit Appreciation because you can tell he tried and it’s vibrant and prettier than Hatori’s and I feel bad for not putting him first because of my FEELINGS.

Anyway...

He’s a bitch but he’s right. It was from here that I started to suspect that Shigure’s energy this episode was a little bit more shifty than usual...

Ah... my baby boy. I’m so happy he got this moment. To make it a 100% clear about where and who he is now despite the oncoming backlash. At first, I was a bit concerned about him taking the complete blame for all the abuse that people put on him when he was a child (and technically still is, for now) but I also think in a way he’s trying to be gentle with his approach of being honest with Akito in the hopes that she seeks redemption too. 

As a certain doctor says later, “You’re so kind.”

- Akito’s reaction of course was on brand. But, it was pretty stylistic with the call back to Kureno’s curse breaking

- There’s something about Eric Vale’s performance of Yuki in this episode that’s so... human? I know, that’s a weird way of saying it but Yuki’s so normally put together (on the surface) and it has shown in his voice pretty much since the start of the anime. But slowly, Eric has been adding different and more expressive fluctuations and tones in Yuki’s voice episodes since the beach arc and it feels like in this episode he just completely let loose and it’s now completely slipped into Yuki’s casual conservational speak now. It’s just neat :)

And, I think I can say the same for Hatori’s VA Kent Williams. This is the most expressive Hatori has been in this show so far! It’s great. :3 Although, I think for Hatori he’s only stoic when he feels he has to distance himself to keep himself together from either the situation or the person. Very Doctor-like.

But back to the story, I appreciate that Takaya-sensei thought to tie up their relationship with each other and have them be cool because honestly? I even forgot that Yuki didn’t trust Hatori around Tohru for a while. This moment was so nice and warm! <3

- ‘Don’t turn into Ayame’ 😆

Stop it, Goblin King.

Did she fall asleep standing up because... you know...

I’ll show myself out.

Lalalalala Tohru and Kyo being cute and pleasant and sharing stories from their past lalalalala 🎶☺️

Lalalalala 🎶☺️

Lalal- wAit. Flirty Kyo?! 😳🤡

...stupids. <3

Ok, I just wanna end this by leaving some screen caps from the final moments because it just solidifies why I love this anime :3 

👀🤡

<3

-----------------------------------------------------------

Wow, recapping this episode was oddly refreshing as I’m still living with the climax of episode 25 and Kureno...

So, that means... I’ll see you soon >:)

[subject-v]

Hand Speak (whumptober 4)

Five learns to communicate after being punished for speaking.

TW: dehumanization

1600 words

“You want to eat with us?”

Cassian asks this everyday, sometimes more than once a day, when the servants bring him something to eat, even though looking at me, he should know I don’t want anything. I try to avoid his eyes.

“Suit yourself.” He puts a plate on the ground near me, careful not to move too fast or let it make too loud a noise. He doesn’t need to be careful around me, I won’t break, and I don’t mind fast movement or loud noises. I don’t care about them. They’re nothing to me. “Livia and I are going to eat together.” So saying, he flops into a chair and unclips his cape, letting it fall to the ground behind him.

For a while, he and Livia chat about things that don’t matter. I don’t need to listen, if it’s not required of me, so I stare at my serving, steaming meat and a side of bread, as it cools in the evening air. He hasn’t given me permission to eat so I make no move to touch it. I’ve passed tests like this before, even as my tongue waters and the smell almost brings me to tears.

“Not hungry?” wonders Cassian when he and Livia finish.

“Did she eat breakfast?”

“You know we discussed not talking about people like they aren’t there, Livia.”

“She may as well not be. She hasn’t made a sound since we got her out.”

“You can take as much time as you want,” Cassian says, trying to meet my eyes while I try just as hard to avoid his. “If you don’t like this sort of food, I can ask the cook for something else.”

My stomach hurts so much, I’d rather cut it out than let him take the plate away, but that makes things worse. Resisting makes things worse. I can take it, I can survive, I did before, I can now, and so I say nothing.

“Wait.” Livia speaks before Cassian can take a bite of my bread. “Look at me.” She snaps her fingers, but I’ve already obeyed. “Eat the food. All of it.”

If I move too quickly, she’ll see how much I wanted it, she’ll see that weakness, so I force myself to move slowly and place a morsel of meat in my mouth. It’s only salted, almost burnt, and I want to cry as I chew it.

“You don’t have to follow orders, if you don’t want.”

I ignore Cassian—the more food I eat before they change their minds, the better.

“We’re going about it wrong,” says Livia, slipping off her feet to join Cassian in my corner. They’re cutting off both my escape routes now, but I wouldn’t try to run anyway. “She’s spent gods know how long doing everything Iovita told her. You saw the same demonstration I did. She tied herself to the whipping post without hesitation. She’s not right in the head.”

“She’s a human, just like you and me.”

“Yes, but clearly she’s not allowed to eat unless someone tells her to.”

I can feel my cheeks go red as they both stare at me. That’s not right—Iovita doesn’t like any physical sign that I’m not her perfect subject five. I shake my head so hair mostly covers the color.

“It’s like when soldiers come back from battle and lash out at people around them. You can’t take her from an environment where obeying without question was the only method of survival and expect her to recover immediately. Isn’t that right? Can you let me know you heard me?”

I nod.

“Speak.”

I need to listen to her but when I open my mouth to make a noise, nothing comes out. I duck my head, expecting a slap, but instead, Cassian grabs Livia’s arm.

“You don’t need to talk if you don’t want,” he says. “You may have a point, but she’s still a human.”

I’m not, but I can’t correct him.

The next evening, when Cassian returns, he’s alone. I’m crouched in the far corner of the room where he left me. Even though he hasn’t tied me to anything like Iovita usually does, I assume he doesn’t want me wandering about. Iovita once left me outside overnight, curious to see whether I’d try to flee, and delighted the next morning when she found me waiting for her. Cassian looks less excited, but he approaches slowly, both hands visible.

“Nice day?” he wonders, stopping at a safe distance. “You don’t have to respond, but I’d love it if you did.”

I nod.

“Good.” He takes a step closer. “Do you trust me?”

What kind of question is that? I nod because obviously he wants me to say yes but it’s ludicrous. My trust doesn’t matter—I’ll do what he wants me to do and he’ll do what he wants to do to me and no action on my part can change that.

“I’m not going to hurt you.” One hand finds my neck. I don’t flinch, don’t react at all. If he wants to choke me, wants to slam my head against the wall behind me, wants to kiss me until I can’t breathe, I’ll let him. I don’t care what he does to me. “Here.” With gentle fingers, he finds the strap on my collar and takes it off. “You’re okay,” he promises. “I’m going to put it here”—he places the collar on a side table—“and you can put it back on whenever you like, but you don’t have to wear it. Now, let’s go to the table.”

I follow him, eyes on my collar. Air feels strange, cold, on my bare neck, but I don’t cry. Cassian doesn’t like crying.

“Can you sit at the table?”

I obey.

“You can have as much food as you’d like. Please, I want you to eat.”

I wait for him to serve himself, but he’s just staring at me. Hesitant, I snag an egg.

“Good. I hope you enjoy the egg.”

I don’t enjoy anything. It’s all the same, at the end of the day, but it tastes good.

“I would really like it if you could try to communicate. You don’t need to talk,” he adds quickly. “Can you read?”

I shake my head.

“I guess shaking and nodding will have to do then. If you ever feel like speaking, or making a noise at all, I won’t mind. I won’t punish you for it.”

Iovita played that game sometimes too—‘put my candles away, subject five,’ and then a moment later, ‘how dare you touch my things, subject five, pour the candle wax on your hand in punishment.’ I put the collar back on as soon as Cassian goes to bed, and make sure to take it off before he wakes up.

The next day, two guests join us for dinner, Livia and someone with the same curly blond hair as she has, but who is about foot taller. “Antioc,” Cassian says, and then he does something incredible: he makes some motions with his hands.

Antioc responds in kind, not the same motions, but the same sort of motions.

They’re talking with their hands! I didn’t know humans could do that! Visual communication, like proper communication ought to be—before I can stop myself, I’m at Cassian’s side, pointing at Antioc’s hands with wide-eyed wonder.

“Are you Deaf?” wonders Cassian. “Is that why you don’t talk?”

I don’t understand him but nod anyway. The next thing I know, Antioc is sitting across from me, pointing to every object in the room and giving them a corresponding sign, and it’s all I can do not to cry, but I remember Cassian doesn’t like it and sign along.

They talk with their hands!

Iovita had no such rule against moving my hands without permission since she usually tied them down anyway and it doesn’t bother me to respond to questions that way. At first, I assume I’ll use the signs to answer questions alone, but communicating makes me realize how much more I have to say.

“I should wear the collar around you,” I tell Cassian a decan later.

He frowns. “You don’t have to.”

“It feels safer.”

He takes a deep breath. “Okay,” he says at last. “I don’t get to decide what you wear so you can do what you want.”

Now it’s my turn to frown. “If you tell me not to, I won’t.”

“I’m not going to tell you either way.”

I scratch my head. What am I supposed to do with that? “How will I know then?”

“You can pick. If you want to wear it, wear it.”

“I will do whatever you want.”

He sighs, sees my expression, and calms himself. “I’m not mad at you. I’ll never be mad at you.”

I itch to just grab the collar and put it on but instinct holds me back. What a cruel trick, to make me think I’m safe and then snap when I step out of line. Better to continue letting him decide what I do.

Cassian runs a hand through his hair. “Put the collar back on, please. I want you to wear it again.”

Grinning, I snatch it off his table and wrap it around my neck. Maybe it isn’t a trick. Maybe I really am free. Whatever it is, I prefer this prison to the old one, even as Cassian takes a deep breath and lets his head fall into his hands.

[imma-lil-teapot]

TMNT 2003/2k3 Headcanon: Crying - (Leonardo)

Feel free to scroll past this first part if you’re not interested in my silly rambling and nonsense. I won’t mind. Promise. ;)

Okey-dokey then, with the global epidemic that is the Coronavirus well in action and most of the world stuck in lockdown (starting this Friday for us too), felt like getting the ‘ol creative juices flowing with a little headcanon-y thingy in preparation for -possibly- more fandom writings to keep myself busy during the house arrest (well... it kinda is!) and hopefully my mind off all the bad news. :( 

Also, this is totally my first one on the blog! WOOT! Please bear in mind that I’m SUPER rusty! Haven’t written in ages so there are bound to be typos and all matter of general errors scattered throughout the post. Don’t pet them! They bite!  

Anyhoo~ Despite attempting to create and share with the goal in mind to uplift spirits, I decided to start on a rather upsetting subject (PLEASE DON’T LEAVE! They end on happy notes ;) ) because, Imma just come and say it, I enjoy seeing my favourite characters shed tears (not for just any old reason -their personality plays a huge role in this- and CERTAINLY not for sadistic reasons, land sakes no! But... well, you’ll see~ ;) ) It makes me all gooey and fuzzy inside to see them display such raw emotion and I just wanna leap into the TV screen to hug and console them. I dunno why. Maybe I’m nuts like that. (Remembers Raph crying at the farm when Leo was badly injured and wishes she could just hug them all and take away the pain) Oh well, if you enjoy visualizing the same, then *High Fives*. :)

So yeah, if you read the title, you’ll know this is based on the 2003/2k3 series (my favs). Hope you all enjoy~ :D Grab tissues cause sad turts ahead! :’(

Jibber jabber stops here~

TURTLES~

LEONARDO - You are here

RAPHAEL

DONATELLO - Coming soon

MICHELANGELO - Coming soon

WARNING(S): Because of the subject, Angst and Hurt/Comfort will be present.

RATING: G (General)

WORD COUNT: Don’t have the foggiest.

ANYTHING ELSE TO ADD:

And apparently gifs too, so without further ado: (Completely unintentional but in actuality, totally intentional rhyming)...

TO THE HEADCANONS~~~~

~LEONARDO~

-- It’s no easy feat to make the leader in blue turn on the waterworks. Leo won’t cry for any old reason. It’s not because he has no emotions, far from it, but being the leader of a small ninja clan -who happen to be family as well- is no easy task in itself: he has a lot on his young shoulders and deals with many issues on a daily basis few his age ever have to.

-- It’s because of these reasons that Leo doesn’t cry often. One of the lesser likely to out of the four brothers. But when he does, it’s an emotionally distressing sight to behold. 

-- Leo tends to cry whenever those closest to him -namely his brothers, his father/master and truest friends- are severely injured or are in a dire situation. Remember his angry/moody arc? The thought of losing any of them causes him great pain and distress, especially if he were the cause of any of it, and when that happens, he can’t stop the dampness that forms around his eyes and soaks into his mask. 

-- He’s not fond of crying, especially in front of others, even though he fully comprehends its normalcy. He feels he needs to be everyone’s rock, their fortress of physical and emotional stability to turn to for strength when things get rough... So when the tears start to fall, he feels he can’t show them, can’t allow them to watch him crumble under the gripling weight of helplessness and anguish.

-- He frantically wipes at his eyes and desperately attempts not to sniffle, but it’s a hopeless battle, for his tears are already a steady stream. 

-- He’ll try to hide when possible, usually retreating to his room to allow the worst of the emotions to spill over before returning to the others... Though he may be in there a while: when Leo lets his emotions go, it can be just as powerful as his red-banded brother’s rage. 

-- He spares no time in making sure the coast is clear for the tears are already streaming by the time he reaches his futon, and there’s no stopping them now as he lets himself drop to his knees, only halfway onto the mattress. He purposefully leaves the room unlit, cloaking his form in the darkness. 

-- He sniffs a few times as he shuffles up against the wall, sitting upright against it, bringing his legs up and hugging them loosely and droops his head against a single knee pad. 

-- His voice desperately wishes to escape. To express its misery. But he won’t allow it to, often placing one hand over his face in a bid to quell the sadness and remain silent in the battle against his own inner turmoil. He refuses to let anyone see him in that state of utter sorrow and vulnerability.

-- He whimpers ever so slightly and coughs a few times as breathing becomes difficult. He knows this episode won’t be over any time soon. Fortunately, he keeps some tissues next to his bed for such rare occasions and tries not to blow too loudly. He thinks back to the last time he cried so hard... It’s been a while. It felt like a build up. 

-- Time has been forgotten as he’s lost in deep thought. By the time he slips a hand across his eyes, only the material of his mask is still slightly damp. He clears his nostrils a couple of times before considering whether he was ready to return to his family. He’d of course straighten up his bedding beforehand, and would also require a trip to the bathroom to wash his face. A true ninja leaves no evidence. 

-- Leo tries to put the horrifying images out of head before leaving his quarters. He doesn’t wish to be weighed down again and thus maybe cause his emotions to come out a second time. He knew someone would catch on that time. Instead, he holds his head up high, focusing on the there and now to carry him forward.  

BONUS EXTRA~

-- Failure is also one of his greatest foes. Leo despises it, but not in the irrational sense; he fully comprehends that in order to grow, one has to lose in order to learn and thus, succeed in turn, and while it can frustrate him when he’s unsuccessful at mastering a martial arts technique for example, he understanders it’s part of the process and that no one’s perfect. 

-- It’s when his slipups could spell casualties or death to his family and/or friends is when it weighs down on him like a boulder strapped to his shell. 

-- A really big one. 

-- And it hurts. So much so that it causes him to become despondent and often teary-eyed when no one’s looking.

-- Boi Bloo might also cry from especially sad movie scenes. He gets seriously into the story, and when the scene is just right -perfect music, perfect timing etc.- you may just catch Fearless with watery eyes. 

-- He can’t help it. After all, he’s a leader, and very caring and kind-hearted individual, so movies showing children or anyone/anything defenceless getting hurt has him not only visibly upset, but also angry at the cause. He’s a softie like that. 

-- He won’t have a meltdown, of course, but the tears are definitely there. Just don’t tease him too much; he’s easily embarrassed by it. ;) 

BONUS EXTRA EXTRA FEMALE READER OR S/O EDITION~ (Can also use an OC/FC insert if you wish, up to you)

You had figured something was up by the time you’d finished greeting everyone in the Splinterson household except for the Turtle you’d long to see most and he hadn’t made his presence yet known. 

The idea that he must’ve been practicing or meditating swiftly vanished when Mikey told you he’d been in his room in the dark for the past few hours. “The guy hardly ever naps, and even so, never this long.” He’d told you. “I dunno, (Y/N), we were about to check on ‘im when you arrived, but maybe you should be the one to. Think he’d really appreciate it.” And there was absolutely no argument from your side as you were already making your way up to the room.

You didn’t know what to expect as you neared the doorway. Could he possibly still just be sleeping? Meditating in the dark instead of his usual spot by the training area? Or... was he sick? The latter now had you concerned and you picked up your pace... Only to pause mid step when an unmistakable sound reached your ears: a sniffle.

Had it come from within his room? It was the only logical explanation as everyone else was downstairs. You were truly perturbed now as you stood outside the doorway and called out the ‘eldest’ Turtle’s name.

There was some shuffling to be heard but you were unable to tell for sure what he was doing -probably trying to neaten up his bed- “(Y/N)? Just a second, okay?” he responded in a rather awkward verging on frantic tone, and you were certain you heard another sniffle escape him. 

That, along with the way he’d replied really didn’t help to put your mind at ease. “Leo, are you alright?” Nor was the pitch blackness in which he remained concealed in.

“Yeah, just... l-looking for something.” There was some more shuffling as if to prove his point, but you were having none of it.

“Then maybe this,” you began, turning around to flick the light switch, “will help?”

“No! Wait!” But it was a split second too late for as soon the brightness illuminated the entire room, you had caught the telltale signs of an emotional meltdown in progress plastered on his face before he quickly turned away and briskly wiped an arm across his face, attempting to hide the shame... or perhaps embarrassment? 

“Leo...?” your heart and voice softened, “Hey, what’s wrong?” You automatically walked to him, closing the gap he was now trying to form. 

“Nothing,” he lied, and acknowledged it was a fruitless attempt but still couldn’t stop himself. Autopilot panic mode was enabled now. “It’s nothing.” 

Unfortunately for him, autopilot mother hen mode was activated for you as you reached with both hands to his carapace and shoulder, gently turning him to face you. “I can see that it’s something.” Your words were gentle, and you wanted nothing more than to take away his pain. “Look at me, Honey.” His body was turned but his head remained to the side. It was clear he didn’t want his obvious distress on display, even to you. “Please, Leo?” You tried again, and slowly but surely, his eyes met yours, and you felt your heart sink further.

The fabric of his mask was wet and eyes were still red with fresh tears that threatened to fall. He appeared so broken and helpless as he stared at you, and even though he uttered no words, you could practically hear him despairingly ask “Is this what you wanted? To see me at my lowest?” from his expression alone. 

Never had you witnessed the leader of this band of mutant brothers cry. At times you had wondered if he ever did, and yet here he was; the incredible pillar of strength and dignity you had come to know and adore, in tears and so dejected that you couldn’t stop your own eyes from becoming damp the more you gazed at him. “Oh, Sweety...” You whispered as you felt your soul shatter. It was too much to bear. You slowly wrapped your arms around him, one around the midsection and the other over his shoulder, and buried your face into his leathery neck, offering every ounce of comfort you could muster.

It didn’t take him long at all to sink into the embrace and return the action. Beyond the point of concerning himself with showing the pain he felt -or the wetness now soaking into your shoulder when he placed his forehead against it- he sniffed and finally allowed the tears to fall once again as fresh waves of emotion surged throughout his body.

And this time, he couldn’t keep the whimpering to himself.

“Shh~ It’s okay, it’s okay,” you soothed, lightly patting and rubbing along the scutes of his shell as he weakly sobbed, finally letting go of all the sadness that gripped him. 

You weren’t even aware of what was wrong, and you most likely wouldn’t find out til later once he calmed down, but right now, he just needed you to hold him. Hold him until the hurt was gone... And so you would. 

AND THAT’S ALL SHE WROTE!

ALL THE FEELS!! I EMBARRASS!!

OMGosh, this turned into a monster! The mother of all HCs!! :O No seriously, this wasn’t meant to be this long! I was suppose to squish all four into one itty bitty little post, but then it just grew... and grew... and GREW! Personally, I blame the Reader Bonus but I’d be damned if I didn’t enjoy writing it! ;P You guys here on Tumblr got me slightly addicted to them and have wanted to attempt some myself so... Anyhoo~ I can’t really say if I’m entirely content with the whole thing, I dunno. I feel some parts are better than others (writing style-wise) but yeah, I really need to get back into the swing of things...

Speaking of which, I DO plan on adding my two cents on the other bois as well, but judging by how this one turned out, they’ll most likely all be this length, more or less, so each Turt will get his own post so I can really jot down those details with all the freedom in the world! That being said, I can’t say when they’ll be added but hopefully soon-ish. :) Raph's next on the list!

Thank you all so much for the read and hope you enjoyed~ :D

~Drag0n Mistr3ss’ Random Fandoms*

[natashart]

Heyo! Could you do some headconons for the MLQC boys with an s/o who is blind or legally blind? I’m legally blind myself (without my glasses or course), so I’m wondering how they might react to finding out and how they would help. Thank you very much!

Of course! I’m so sorry for the extremely long wait nonny! Life has been super hectic since I first started this blog, but with quarantine things have (in a way) finally calmed down! I hope you enjoy (if you ever find this anyways. It’s been so fucking long I’m sorry ksjafkdfksf). 

None of the boys would really treat you all that differently if you were legally blind/blind. I think they’d all agree on the fact that you are still a capable of taking care of yourself, even with your poor eyesight. But they certainly have their own ways of helping you when you need it!

Gavin:

Thinks you’re really cute with your glasses on :(( and isn’t afraid to let you know but he’ll definitely get all blushy and smiley hehe. He’s such a softy for you 

Is 100%!! Always there to help you !!! Being a total little bit of a mother hen, Gavin will gladly be one gust of wind away to help you out in any situation necessary. 

10/10 will read things out for you if you can’t make out the words and it’s honestly the cutest thing kjdkakdjkaf

Always really gentle if he’s helping you maneuver around areas that may be particularly cluttered 

Will call to make sure you have your glasses on in case you have a habit of forgetting 

Lowkey kinda worried that you might bump into an unseen pole and die or something but he’s also reassured by your own personal capabilities to not do that. He won’t totally treat you like you’re fragile, but he does take care to look out for you when he needs to

He just wants you to be safe :(

Will follow a lot of online tips on how to make his home more accessible for you, but for the most part, he’ll rely more on himself to assist you rather than anything else. He takes pride in being able to help and take care of you when needed

Easily the best at making you feel the most protected. He’s there for you whenever you need him, and in every single situation he’s always thinking of how to care for you/protect you! Maybe it seems a little suffocating at times, but Gavin is always the one to be on watchdog mode when it comes to your wellbeing. 

Kiro

Puts on your glasses for fun to see what he’ll look like in them lol

Look, MC! I look just like you don’t I?

Wouldn’t be surprised if he wears contacts himself, but he would totally buy a matching pair of glasses frames so he could twin with you

Always by your side with a patient smile whenever you need him. Much like Gavin, he loves helping you too! Definitely gives you more liberty to take care of yourself, though. 

Asks before offering assistance because he doesn’t want to step in your way

Kiro especially loves helping you because it means he gets to spend just that extra bit of time with you. You’re both working people with busy schedules, and with Kiro’s perpetually tight schedule sometimes it’s hard to really have that one-on-one alone time with each other. So he will happily come over and help whenever you need it.

Sometimes kind of of forgetful of your impairment and may not always be the best at giving you the most descriptive directions of where things are located. 

It’s on the left, MC!

...Kiro I’m blind

Will ask you if you have a heightened sense of smell or hearing or something to make up for your lack of vision lmao

Surprised by the seemingly lack of resources for people with vision impairments. He wants you to receive the same treatment as he does anywhere you two go!

Will definitely be a public advocate for improvements in public life for those with vision impairments!!!!! He’ll take to social media and even to the higher ups he’s acquainted with to support any measures that’ll improve daily life for people who are visually impaired (or have any other disabilities, really). 

Easily the best at making you find more sparkle in your life. Kiro knows having impaired vision is no bueno and can make like more difficult, but with him around, the little setbacks become less frustrating and more fun

Lucien

Is that bitch who will ask you how many fingers he’s holding up to test your vision

but as a joke

The most knowledgeable about such vision impairments!! Duh !!! He’s also got a wide range of knowledge on the best ways to help you. In that sense, he’s also the most relaxed about it

Is a fellow glasses wearer because we all know his vision is probably fucked from the many late nighters he’s pulled with his nose stuck in a textbook or something

Is probably knowledgeable enough to check up on your eyes for you, but he’ll suggest you visit a licensed practitioner anyways for most future needs

Would really love to take you out to a variety of exhibits that focus on more visual effects (i.e. an art museum, a film festival, an aquarium, etc.), but depending on the severity of your vision loss, he’s sure to find alternatives that you can fully enjoy as well! Will take you out to go listen to a beautiful concerto, visit a local animal shelter, or an art class instead!

Really good at describing things for you when you need it. He’s got a wide range of vocabulary and a really nice voice  so he’ll easy make anything as descriptive as possible for you

Will sometimes help you out without asking if you need it. Not in an unassuming “you can’t do anything” way. He just likes to play the part of prince charming. But for the most part, he’ll always ask to help before he does anything.

Will use this as an excuse to hold your hand or tuck your arm into his more often

Easily the best at making you feel the most included in whatever activity you’re partaking in. Will never make your lack of vision seem like a setback or a nuisance.

Victor

Offers you the best resources needed to help with your vision impairment. The best eye doctor, the best public services, etc.

He has a lot of connections with a lot of different people, so there’s no way he can offer you something other than the best of the best

Carries spare glasses with him that have your prescription or any other tool that’ll help you see 

For the most part,,,he really doesn’t treat you any differently. He’s not much of a coddler imo, so he’ll kind of leave you to your own devices 

That’s not to say that Victor won’t help at all--it’s far from that!--but he just won’t be constantly breathing down your neck to see if you need help. He really believes in your independence

His general help is in more subtle ways, like offering to drive you home every night so you don’t have to worry about walking alone in the dark, or conveniently ordering any business documents sent your way to have larger text font in order to help you read a bit better 

But if you ever need anything from him, you’ll get top quality service for sure!

Good at boosting your confidence. Perhaps he’s not overtly expressive in his praise, but his continual belief in your own capabilities to do things on your own really help you feel like more of a “normal” person.

Adds in little touches to all of his at-home facilities that’ll allow you to use everything he owns more freely

Huge supporter to charities for the blind. Will also directly fund city-wide projects that help the blind

Easily the best at making you feel the most confident! He really shows you that you’re just as capable at anyone else to be successful and thrive, and anyone who says otherwise can go to hell.

[thepixelmoon]

Vexx/Portia - Like tears in rain

I wrote this little thing for the Andromeda Six Discord server a while back! Vexx, Nerissa, Damon and Ryona are characters that belong to @andromeda-six and Portia is an original character created by me.

Warnings: angst, mention of guns, violence, and spoilers for chapter 4 of the Andromeda Six visual novel.

⭒☆━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━☆⭒

I take a sharp turn towards the alleyway and will my feet to stop. The puddles splash around me as I frantically look around to make sure nobody is following. It is then that my legs buckle and give out.

I collapse onto my knees, water splashing everywhere. Tears and rain cloud my vision and suddenly all I feel is cold.

I left Ryona and Damon alone in the middle of a fight against the K’Merii. What kind of crewmate am I if I can't even help my friends when they need me? How can I just run away and leave them to their fate?

I could rid the crew of this burden, though. Jump into a random ship, pretend I’m someone else entirely and never have to face Zovack and his minions.

I close my eyes and try to focus on keeping my breathing steady. The cold is starting to make me feel numb.

Someone's crying, the sobs and hiccups echoing in the alley. It takes me a moment to realise it's me, although I'm so deep into my own mind I barely register it.

Suddenly, I hear someone calling out.

“Portia?”

The voice sounds distant, as if I were underwater and they were talking to me from above the surface.

Nerissa?

I want it to be her. I want it to be Nerissa so badly.

Maybe this has all been a dream and I'm about to be shaken awake by my sister because I'm sleeping in late again. Maybe I'll open my eyes and meet her wise, affectionate gaze.

“Portia.”

The voice is closer now, and it isn't Nerissa’s.

Reality falls over me like a ton of bricks as my eyes snap open, my senses slowly returning. I look up and my violet eyes encounter a familiar pair of emerald green ones.

“Vexx?”

He holds out his hand.

“You're all soaked.”

The gesture, along with the feigned concern, both amuse and upset me as I ignore his hand and get up on my own, legs slightly wobbly.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, remembering our last encounter in Teranium.

His expression hardens.

“I thought I'd told you to lose the crew,” he growls. “Run away while you can, Princess. Or would you rather stay and watch them die?”

“You--” I begin, but my voice dies in my throat.

Then I notice the sniper rifle strapped to his back, and I'm blinded by rage.

My instincts kick in and, with a newfound burst of energy, my hand flies to the dagger Damon gave me.

He's not about to take my family away from me. ​Not again.

In a blur of motion, I spring up towards him, ready to bury the dagger in his chest. He's faster, though, and grabs my wrist before I can land the hit. Then he twists it, eliciting a pained cry, jerks my arm and sends me rolling onto the ground. The dagger slides away and out of my reach, lost in the shadows.

I press my hand to the side I’ve landed on, groaning. There'll surely be a big bruise there.

Vexx watches me as I pull myself back onto my feet, his face showing zero signs of sympathy. It's scary to think how those eyes were once full of love and affection. Now they're just... empty.

“Really, I thought you'd know better than to go against someone who literally ​trained you,” he scoffs, the expression quickly twisting into a wicked smirk. “Although it's good to see you're finally fighting back.”

He sounds so amused it makes me see red.

I want to punch him, kick him in the gut, ​hurt him with my bare hands; make him feel even an ounce of the pain he's put me through.

And yet I don't move an inch.

My body is betraying me; it's suddenly hard to hide just how deep his words cut. “No,” I say, as firmly as I can, shaking my head, “you ​don't g​et to say that. Not now.”

My voice cracks and his expression shifts again. I feel like I'm staring at a memory--the softened frown, the confused eyes, the hand slowly reaching for mine. It's somehow like he's back to his old self, when we would sneak out of the palace and dream about going on endless adventures. When he would kiss my knuckles and promise he'd give me the world, and I'd say I just wanted him.

I almost give in.

Pushing those memories out of my mind, I pull my hand away and take a step back, afraid his cruel mask will snap back into place at any moment. I need to find a way to warn the crew, let them know he's after them so that we can get the hell out of here. “Portia--” Vexx begins, his voice so soft that it almost sounds foreign.

I whip around to look him in the eyes just in time to see two figures emerging from the darkness and tackling him. They take his rifle and he manages to land an elbow to someone's jaw, but he ends up restrained.

“You okay?” Ryona asks, reaching out for me. She touches my side and I suck in a sharp breath, pain shooting through my ribcage.

“‘M fine,” I manage.

Damon is rubbing his reddening jaw as he takes me in.

“You don't look fine. You look like shit.”

I don't have it in me to give in to his banter right now, no matter how much of a comfort it is to see them alive and well. I look at Vexx with the hope of finding traces of that gentleness in his expression, but it's too late. Whatever he was about to say is now lost in the abyss of his deep green eyes.

“Don't shoot him,” I tell Ryona when she points the rifle at Vexx’s head. She lowers it immediately, sensing the seriousness in my voice.

He just laughs dryly.

“Funny how you tried to stab me a moment ago but you're sparing me now. Such a kind gesture, ​Princess.​ ”

He knows how much he's hurting me, but I'm not about to budge again and give him what he wants. I focus on staying calm and look over at Damon instead, giving him a firm nod, which he returns.

We all agree to take him onboard as a prisoner and question him to get some information on Zovack’s plans. I highly doubt they'll get something out of him so easily, but it's worth a try and surely a better choice than killing him.

There are many things I’m not sure about, but there's one I’m absolutely certain of. This isn't the Vexx I knew. It will probably never be. All the dreams we had, all those promises we shared under the starry sky are now lost forever.

Like tears in rain.

[aesthetic-cereal]

I really adore how tenderly you draw pat. The way you draw facial expressions capture emotions so well and it always makes me feel a certain way, soft and all. I adore your pat doodles so much !!! they're always so beautiful

yall

yallre too kind. I draw pat the way I draw him because it just feels /right/ to make him soft and warm and gentle. sometimes it takes me forever to get some doodles that I deem to be "good enough" or have the right vibe, but even still I love to make them and it's all part of the process. literally everyone i talk to is like "please pat, let me give you a hug" and I try to make what maybe feels like the visual version of a hug (if that makes sense) I do this in some of my other art too because theres alot of warmth and kindness lacking in the world these days and I want to provide some of that not only for the viewer but for myself.

anyway I'm so very thankful that yall like my pdoodles and entertain me with ideas and reactions in the tags, it's one of my favorite things to post because theres a pdoodle for everyone and if I havent done the perfect one for you yet, maybe someday soon, who knows

once again i want to thank yall so much for enjoying not only my pdoodles but the other work I produce like my cyberpunk art and whatnot, it truly means the world to me.