#but boy do i think some very specific things

[hannahssimblr]

As hangovers go, it’s about a nine out of ten. I waste the morning drifting in and out of sweaty snoozes, my duvet coiled around my legs like cotton vines that want to bind me to the sheets, gritty with the sand I dragged in on my shoes. At some point I am startled briefly awake by my phone buzzing with such fury that it hops along the surface of the mattress. 

It's Michelle. I switch it off and roll over. 

Around midday when the sun is at the perfect angle to sear through the glass and scorch my sweat bathed body like a helpless insect under a magnifying glass, I finally roll out of bed and shuffle into the living room. 

The guys are playing something that’s wall to wall machine guns on the PlayStation. They invite me to join, but I tell them no. The percussive sounds of the bullets is enough to make my brain throb. I let myself outside in yesterday's clothes to escape the noise, grabbing my sunglasses on the way. 

I think a walk will be good, I think it’ll make me feel better. I avoid the beach, which is obnoxiously busy on sunny days like this one, in favour of a walk through the village in the vague direction of the boat club. I don’t intend to go that far. I spent the whole summer last year avoiding a certain waitress, and I have yet to decide if I’m going to do the same this year. Today is not a day for decisions, so I will just loop around the caravan park and come back. 

The walk is not a success. First I am confronted by the dead seagull and then it’s the bin overflowing with half eaten fish and chips in the beach car park. I make it about ten metres before my body takes over and I throw up neon green behind a family station wagon. I knew it was coming, but I would have rather it had happened in a more confidential place. 

“Oh God, foul.” A very pretty girl in a bikini says to her equally pretty friend as I wipe my chin with the back of my hand, and all I can hope is that either these sunglasses provide adequate disguise, or that I will never see them again. 

But once I’ve thrown up I feel better. Though a headache persists, I've heard the sea air holds some sort of magic. I suck it in in lungfuls hoping it can heal my stomach, my head, and whatever it is that is specifically wrong with boys like me who call their ex-girlfriends at two in the morning and say a whole host of things that are wholly unhelpful to both of you. 

After this walk I will go home and force myself to eat something. I'll just force myself around the caravan park one time. The moment I slip through the gates, I have to leap aside to allow a group of boys to pass on their bicycles. They shout something at me for being slow and in their way, and I laugh, even though it makes my skull throb. 

I’ve always quite liked this part of the village, it’s rough and ready. There is nothing fancy about the old concrete shower block, dropped smack bang in the middle of the place, the big sun bleached plastic bins and the sporadic blocks of concrete with weeds bursting from the cracks. I enjoy its chaos, the mismatched lawn furniture, thin summer clothes pegged to lines, the children running wild in unsupervised chaos. 

The management tried to ban me from this park when I was twelve over some incident with a tennis ball and an ice cream truck. They took my photo and all, and stuck it up in the office, but the next summer when I got my growth spurt they didn’t recognise me anymore. So I made my triumphant return, hung around, threw things out of trees to see what sounds they’d make, and kissed all the girls I could get my braces-filled mouth on. 

I peer over the rim of my glasses toward where three girls are hanging out on the tennis courts, two popping the ball over the net while the third lolls on the sideline. I try to figure out if I ever kissed any of them in my heyday. I don’t remember, but if they were here in 2005 then it's most likely. 

Except if that girl is Kelly Healy, which, I realise, as I get closer to the court that it is. She’s unmissable, really, red faced, her sweaty curls spring free of her ponytail as she swipes at the ball and misses. She lets out a cry of frustration, flings her racket onto the ground and whines loudly about how unfair it is that she should have to lose every single set. 

I think it’s fine to think about how much I never wanted to kiss Kelly Healy. It’s not offensive, because it’s not as though she would have wanted to either, in fact, the idea of it has to disgust her as much as it does me. I hope she doesn’t see me as I pass, but I doubt she will, she’s too busy laying into her friend, but the girl sitting on the ground does. 

She smiles at me. Does she come here every summer? Is she one of the girls I’ve kissed? I doubt it. I think I’d remember. 

I smile back tentatively and she shyly tucks a strand of silky blonde hair behind her ear. 

She’s pretty, but I look away, racked with guilt for thinking it. Amn’t I supposed to be heartbroken and devastated? Surely I owe at least three months of penance, languishing in misery, unable to even look another girl in the eye as punishment for my selfish crimes. I’ve only given it a measly six weeks. 

I think this walk was a bad idea. I wasn’t ready for it. I swerve down a path away from the court and turn back toward home.

Jen is hanging out on the outdoor furniture when I return. I don’t really want to talk. It seems somehow as though breathing the fresh air has made my headache worse, but she speaks to me anyway despite my attempts to non-verbally communicate a desire to be left alone. 

“You should delete her number,” she tells me, voice flat, and I just grunt something non committal.

“I’m serious, you really just can’t be trusted. You should just save yourself the angst and minimise the risk of any contact.”

“You spoke to her?”

“Yeah she called me,” then, incredulously, “why did you say all of that to her?”

“I don’t remember what I said.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“Well, don’t then. I don’t care.”

“Okay, grumpy.”

“Don’t talk to me right now.” I stalk up the stairs and into the house, then burst into my room while ignoring the boys who are still offering me a game of whatever they are playing. I kick the door shut and snatch my phone off the tangled mess that is my bed. I switch it on. 

It comes to life in my hand like a sentient being, buzzing and chiming with all of the messages and calls I missed, but I delete every single one of them without looking. Then I go straight to my phonebook.

SHELL <3 

Her name is stark, black text against white. She changed her own name on my phone a long time ago, adding that little heart onto the end of it as though I would ever forget exactly which Michelle this was, as though we didn’t text each other every second we spent apart. I swear, through the aura of my headache, now throbbing furiously behind one eye, it seems like those two little symbols are mocking me. 

DELETE?

My thumb twitches. 

YES SHELL<3 HAS BEEN DELETED

Beginning // Prev // Next

[ldpdlvision]

How upsetting it is that some make polarizing posts about a specific character, leading others to believe falsely on what's actually going on - just me getting out frustrations I had watching this ep, that had little to do with the actual episode -- S2 E4 SPOILERS!!

First, before I go any further, I did this to myself. I knew better and yet still managed to do exactly this... I purposely went looking for Spoilers here for this new ep. Because I was about ready to claw my own skin off just trying to wait. And came across, not surprisingly, MANY posts from viewers who were able to access the episode early, basically being very disingenuous about Claudia in this ep. And about the circumstance they're BOTH in, as a whole. Alot of prior information left out and extenuating circumstance was essentially disregarded, in order to get to specific viewpoints behind these posts. Point being clearly to put all the blame of everything (seemingly) on Louis and none of Claudia herself. Actively taking away her agency completely, in order to eliminate any responsibility or fault for her own choices in her own life.

-- Anyone can perceive things however they want, think however they want, and post whatever, however they want. I'm not saying they can't, and that's not the point of this post.

The point of this post is that somehow, given everything we were shown/given in this episode, and all previous episodes this season. Some have still managed to make Louis persona non grata and the main one to "blame" for what's currently happening to Claudia... So seeing these posts, I went into the episode with an impression and expectation of certain things, that turned out to be just wildly false. And it distracted me from really being able to enjoy the episode, as I would've otherwise.

Basically because I could not stop thinking things like "they made it seem like this, but that's clearly not what happened", etc.

And like I said, I did it to myself, but this is a post I wanted to make for myself and for others that may have felt this same way, or had this same experience, or a similar one.

Again, S2 E4 (or S2 E11) SPOILERS!!!! Put under the cut, for those who haven't been able to watch the episode yet, and don't want any spoilers. Because there will be discussion and descriptions, about what happens in the episode. Including some gifs and possibly pictures.

So I, have been running into so much Claudia apologist posts and polarizing viewpoints, after seemingly every episode. That are only seeming to get more prevalent. And that in itself is not a/the problem. While I will not hesitate to read Louis to absolute filth, I certainly can very much be a Louis apologist. So I genuinely believe there's absolutely nothing wrong with having a favorite character, or even, watching this series primarily for one character. But what has me so sideways lately, is that it so often comes at the expense and degradation, of Louis specifically. More often then not, Louis is basically treated like a "whipping boy" or a punching bad, seemingly just to allow compassion or sympathy for Claudia. And seeing as how that's also what's happening to him WITHIN the show itself, by Claudia, as well as others. I'm frankly tired of seeing it. And want to add back in the extra parts and info that was left out. So that maybe, we can collectively have a little more of an UNALTERED picture. Of what's going on. Maybe just maybe we can remember that Louis as a character also deserves to be analyzed and understood, and deserves the same compassion and empathy and sympathy that she gets. Maybe, we can all remember that Louis himself is not just a plot device or a prop for her character, and maybe not EVERY single thing that happens in this show, is about her.

So first up, the way Claudia is being treated and the abuse that she's going through, with this coven and coven master...

So many people are pinning the "cause" and responsibility of this, solely on Louis. And it's simply not true, and it's unfair. And does a disservice to both characters, and the story as a whole. Especially Claudia.

First off, what Claudia is going through, is bullshit. Plain and simple, it's horrible and it's hard to watch. And that can't be argued or excused. But nor can all the extenuating circumstances be ignored, disregarded, hidden or deleted/removed/redacted.

Claudia is in this situation, right now, because of HER choices. Not Louis'

I know it's hard to hear, I know it's going to ruffle some feathers, but there it is. He is not without any blame or responsibility whatsoever, but she is not completely innocent of responsibility of her own circumstance. Contrary to what she and certain fans/viewers try to make a case for. His messing around with Armand is not the cause of this, and is not responsible for this. Now... I am not in any way trying to say that she asked for, wanted or "deserved" how she's being treated. Because it's not even close to being true, and no one asks to be abused. And no one deserves to be treated like this. But just like the skater who breaks his ankle doing a trick, he was warned not to even attempt... Decisions/choices and actions have consequences.

What's happening to Claudia is unfortunately the consequences and outcome of her own decisions. The responsibility of, is hers alone. And that includes her repeated choice to disregard, ignore, overlook and refusal to accept the warning signs, red flags and cautionary advice. Louis does not have agency over her, nor should he. He doesn't not make her decisions and choices for her, again nor should he.

-- Again, before I continue, in saying this I am in no way implying or saying that I'm unable to understand her reasons and excuses. And I am in no way saying they aren't valid. They are, and it's very easy to understand and sympathize with the "why". That's not a debate or argument, and that's also not the point of this post. The point is that she made these decisions, she did. And with all the reasons for them being very much valid, she still made them herself. No one else made them for her, in fact she was warned against making them, and made them anyways. So the responsibly of her decisions can not and should not be given to or placed on anyone else but her. The outcome of her choices, should not be blamed on anyone but her. Now she's not even close to the only one making bad choices, bad decisions or messing up royally here. But the simple fact is the outcome of her bad choices and bad decisions should not be put on Louis, or anyone else.

First up, and the most prominent one: Joining this coven, and becoming an officially member. Through ceremony and blood pact.

Keep in mind that she was read the Vampire "laws" that she swore upon before becoming a member, to never break or else be subject to punishment. Up to and including Death, the right and responsibility of which being that of the coven master. Aka Armand Pin this because it will come back later.

This is something she chose, it was not forced on her. She actively fought for it. In complete disregard, to; anything Louis had to say, how it may affect Louis, any prior warnings, etc. She wanted this, she felt she needed this, she was desperate for it, and that's all the mattered to her... The point is not to argue the defense of her, I can actually defend her better than most. The point is simply that it cannot be argued that this is something she CHOSE. And something that she willingly accepted outright abuse, hazing, degradation and all around poor treatment for. She accepted it, her choice... It was made very clear, in more than one way, that becoming a member of this coven was to willingly subject yourself to the control and governing will of the coven master; Armand. That what he said, and decided was law. That you would no longer and could no longer be for yourself, but instead you were for the coven. And subject to EVERYTHING that every other member is. Actively give up the right to go where you want, do what you want, even be what you want, or be with who you want. That was made clear, before she agreed to become a member.

And she still made the agreement to essentially sign in blood on the dotted line. (the point is not WHY she "signed" but that SHE signed)

Louis on the other hand, actively does not choose to subject himself to any of it, so what does he do. Refuse to become a member. She had that choice, she chose otherwise. So again, that is something that cannot be simply disregarded.

SHE. CHOSE.

Her choice should not be put on him, in any way shape or form... A very bad choice, that immediately bit her in the ass. But a choice that no one can take responsibility for, but her.

And some try to make the case, that if she knew that Armand knew their "secret" she wouldn't have become a member, she would have "packed up and left". And to that I say,

She knew the danger, and the risk. Louis' very first argument was "what if they find out we killed him", "it's not worth the risk", "it's too dangerous". He said point blank, that they'll be killed for it. He warned her, that that's the risk she's taking if she really wants to do this.

And what was her response. She made the decision anyways. Because she was convinced, based on absolutely nothing (other than her thinking that she's smarter and simply "above" everyone else). And not only that, she then attacked him (verbal insults, patronizing, belittling, mocking, etc) for even attempting to dissuade from her choice. So many people try to make the claim that he's "allowing" this to happen, he's allowing her to do this, or not stopping 'that'. He DOES NOT HAVE AGENCY OVER HER, AND HE SHOULDN'T.

And this kind of stuff is what he gets for even trying to get her to see any kind of reason:

She finished it with demanding that he not "ruin" this, for her. That she needs this, etc. So where in any part of this, or the other times Louis tried... are we the viewer, or Louis meant to believe that literally anything he said or did, would change her mind in the slightest.

So that argument and attempt to pin it on Louis just doesn't hold up.

I digress... back to the clear acceptance of subjecting herself to Armans control. As a coven master. The rules are very plain and simple to understand. And she was shown, or told on two different accounts, that Armands literal job is to "punish" coven members for breaking the rules. His job is to keep control of every member, in "protection" of the coven as a whole, but also of each individual member. Santiago told her that his own maker was downstairs for breaking a rule, Armand put him there. Something she was told again, in this episode... She was told by the one Vampire guy I can't remember the name of, who taught her about the wet room... that if she messes up her task and the rats got out, the entire coven would be punished. She experienced Armand exerting his control and status over her, directly; "did I give you permission to look me in the eyes puce", before she was even a member. And still she made the decision, still she accepted all of it. All to get what she wanted, which was to become an official member.

She knew prior, that becoming a member meant she was subject to this if she became an official. Still she chose to become one. No one forced her, no one hid that from her. The reality of it was in plain sight, for everyone to see. So no one can say she didn't know.

Next up is, she was told the rules/laws. She not only agreed to having full knowledge of them, but also agreed to being subject to said rules/laws. Again accepting the penalty of breaking them, being up to and including death. And she accepted that. And still chose to become a member anyways...

The rest will be moved to a part 2 post, that I will come back and put the link in to, below:

[wrinkly-fucking-qtip]

Mickey vs I Love You

Against popular opinion, I do believe Mickey's "I love you" in 5x06 was the first time he ever said it. Let me explain.

His type of hesitancy with the phrase is not that of fear out of someone listening. No. It seems to me, he noticed Svetlana was in his shared space after he says "I love you" and does a double take when finishing the voice note with "call me back." While I do like to think that he could've said his first "I love you" somewhere within the aftermath of 4x11 and early s5, the only reason I don't think that is because it feels too easy... I think Mickey was too in his head in the aftermath, thinking of how fucked this all turned out. The baptism, the coming out, the brawl, them returning home to wash themselves clean, the sex (implied because they wake up naked together the morning after) it's too much...

Such an admission would be lethal for his brain chemistry at the moment. "I love you" is the peak of vulnerability, where he already is painfully aware of everything he has endured, on top of being completely aware of his feelings to the point of unease, like clothes sticking to your skin. Suddenly you know the shirt there, even though it always has been, just subtly.

I believe that during these times, Ian was probably "comfortable" with saying it. Sparingly. Again, it's too much, it's all too real, and even though Mickey literally sacrificed his life that night, a huge call to action due to the ultimatum, he let fear be his enabler. For saying "I love you," though... it's too close. He can do everything else, a man of action as he always is, and saying things like "what you and I have makes me free" which, you could argue is MORE of a big deal, Mickey chooses very specific words, and they all mean too much coming from someone like him with such awful background, and that's where his comfort lies. Letting Ian know about his feelings through actions, not the words. And knowing how much Ian loves to use them, words, he knows the weight behind them. It's still too much and he feels it.

Not long after, Ian's depressive episode is in full effect. How could he ever find the chance to say those words? Ian is practically paralyzed, and the events from the night before are still fresh, and now he has to process this entirely new thing? Too much yet again. I said earlier how Ian would say "I love you," but very sparingly. I like to think the first time he said this to him, maybe early s4-s5 transition, once the depressive episode cessed, Mickey had the same silent reaction Lip did when Mandy said it to him, but for entirely different reasons. It's like his entire world became this miniscule thing within the pools of his heart, and Ian could read his expression instantly. It wasn't a silence of rejection, he was almost in awe.

And some sick part of me wants to think if he gets scared because he knows there's been strange behavior on Ian's end, that of course, he doesn't understand to its capacity, and maybe Ian says this as a result of that, or if he does know Ian wholeheartedly means it, he loves this boy, as much as Mickey loves him, but still unable to vocalize it. Would he be able to discern between the two?

"You don't have to say it back" spoken in a whisper. Mickey still lost in Ian's eyes. They probably hold each other. Ian acknowledged this dazed boy before him. He knew what the words meant. Jumping back to the "you love me, and you're gay," he was done imposing his feelings onto Mickey, done projecting (not forever, but for a while). Mickey can do this on his own terms, when he feels he can, when he deems it ok to feel it all at once, recognize that everything is, in fact, all too real. And the moment came, although bittersweet.

Cause Ian wasn't there face to face to hear it, he left, and he was manic, the possibility of loosing him due to some negligence suddenly being too real. Familiar even. Things that became too much all of a sudden. So why now? Because the stakes are somehow higher this time. The fear of the unknown is higher. Mickey is dealing with a version of Ian he can barely recognize. When in 4x11, he already knew what he could lose, and his odds against Terry, he already knew what he was going to deal with, as much fear that overcame him, he knew. This? This he does not know.

And I'm thinking about the fact that so much has happened now, this slow, gradual observation of Ian losing himself, Mickey might think that it's now or never. Maybe an "I love you" is enough to snap Ian out of it? Saying it because he has no clue of Ian's whereabouts, and with extreme thinking, that he probably may not see him again for some time, the same way 3x12 happened. And it's like the words come out like a punch to the gut even though his brain doesn't know those words came out. Just look at his face. That's a legitimate face of hesitancy of admission. (courtesy of ajcrowleys)

Everything became too real again, and this one big word couldn't be held back any longer. He hears himself say it, finally admitting what he knew was true all along, just like a shirt. But who knows if Ian heard the voice mail. I think yes, at some point... maybe... but it breaks my heart.

I'd definitely would like to know other opinions, I have so much to say about Mickey's "I love you's."

[wizardiest-wizard-of-oz]

Ok so I've been commenting on how everyone is in their falsetto but Jason in march of the falsettos for years now and I was starting to think about what that would mean if it's intentional.

The entire point of the song is to show how Trina sees all of the men in the musical with how immature they're all being, which you see in Trina's song with "men who aren't quite men yet, but aren't boys," which makes sense for everyone but Jason.

The rest of them are grown men who should know better, specifically Mendel with how he's completely using advantage of and manipulating all of them to get closer to Trina, and Marvin with how he's literally been forcing his ex wife, child, and boyfriend to live in the same house. This isn't to say that Whizzer isn't doing anything wrong because his character definitely has flaws, especially through Trina's eyes.

Everyone singing in their falsetto is used to symbolise the fact that they're acting insanely immature for how old they are, but a lot of Jason's actions are completely normal for his age. He's 10-10.5 in act one and all he wants is to have a normal life, but everything keeps falling apart around him. His internalised homophobia at the start of act one, while it's very different from how kids today would view things, is kind of to be expected considering the fact that queer people were less talked about in the late 70s and definitely not in a positive way when they were, so even that was a lack of education, which you can see as he gets more and more comfortable around Whizzer and the lesbians (as well as Marvin but he had to get more comfortable around him for other reasons), when he starts genuinely caring about them and spending more time around them.

The reason he wasn't singing in falsetto with the others is because, while he's still immature at times, it's to be expected from how old he is at the time and it's also good that he has some childlike qualities left with how quickly he had to grow up. The rest of them have no reason to be acting as immature as they are because, while we have no confirmed ages, they're all somewhere between the ages of 30 and 45 (ish, I've seen 20 in Whizzer's age range but I'd rather not think of him being that young), it's a lot worse not just for age reasons but also because in some of their cases, they're harming people with how they're acting.

The reason jason isn't speaking in his falsetto is because his behavior can be excused with his age, while the rest of their behavior very much can't be.

Sorry this was a lot I'm very hyperfixated on this right now

[prettyboysdontlookatexplosions]

medialog may 2k24

not me being on time...

watched

the pilot of star trek: deep space nine - i normally would not list a single episode of television here but (1) it's almost two fucking hours long and (2) i watched this in some ways as one might watch a movie, i.e. at a friend's behalf without any expectation of continuing. i'm not sure that i will continue because as we all know i'm not the biggest fan of space, but i will say that my friend had been on me for ages about this and i truly could not imagine what he thought the appeal might be and then it turned out to be literally about colonialism and trauma so i was like.... okay..... points were made......

i saw the TV glow - on letterboxd i called this "beautiful, aching, strange," which i think sums it up. the visual look of this movie has really stayed with me, as have certain scenes (the neck-drawing scene - one of the most intimate, tender, & vulnerable moments i've ever seen in a movie), as has the way that i didn't really know how to watch it or what it was doing until the very end, which made it sort of curious in the moment but felt right in the end because it's about people who don't know what story they're in (made me think a little, weirdly, of the green knight, which i had a similar experience with). i also just appreciated its loving fidelity, even as that affection is complicated by the text itself, for the aesthetics of the first nickelodeon generation, and the fact that one of the things it's about is the idea of being life-changingly obsessed with something that's objectively kind of stupid.

challengers - "is this movie good" wrong question. right question is "does this movie fuck" and the answer is ABSOLUTELY. i'm gonna say something very controversial which is the more i think about it the more i think the movie was correct to include no real actual sex scenes and that in this specific case i truly believe if there was more fucking it would be less horny. last moment maybe the most purely elation-producing thing i have seen in a movie all year.

thief - i continue to be so glad to have been gently michael mann pilled by @power-chords; he is such an incredibly reliable filmmaker for making movies that are incredibly entertaining and well-made scene-to-scene but always manage to be so much meatier and more interesting in their writing & execution than the plot summary might lead you to assume. like, every time i watch one of his movies about white guys doing crimes, something people make a zillion movies about each year, i'm like, how come they don't all just do it like this guy? this one doesn't quite have the kick-it-to-eleven-something-extra to land it in top-tier mann territory for me personally, but it's still great, with a killer lead performance. it really brought home for me how much his movies are driven by a firm belief in the fact that people have personal philosophies that matter to them in a real way, and that one thing that makes him interesting and distinct is his insistence (here as in heat & blackhat) that that applies not just equally but possibly more so to people who have been incarcerated, and in fact his insistence on viewing incarceration itself as a situation which forces people to develop and articulate their personal philosophies as a matter of psychological survival (while obviously influencing what that philosophy is).

trouble in paradise - my letterboxd review of this was "siri play cowboy like me" and i stand by that: girl and boy meet cute in a classic scammer4scammer relationship, things get complicated on a later trick but ultimately they'll be loyal to each other and no one else until the end. i liked that but lubitsch is also a filmmaker who has turned out a bunch of kick-it-to-eleven movies that really wowed me and this felt a little light compared to the deranged battle-of-the-sexes fantasia bluebeard's eighth wife, the unbelievably dark and unbelievably funny WWII farce to be or not to be, or the OG MMF threesome celebration design for living. this one is just a very nice time, although i do need to stress that if it had been my first lubitsch i probably would have been more impressed, and the highs against which i am measuring it are EXTREMELY high

the bourne identity - did you know that brian cox and julia stiles are both in this movie? think about that for a minute. anyway this is decently fun

the bourne supremacy - kicks like 200% more ass than the first one, much more concerned with delivering awesome set pieces happening as frequently as possible. crazy to watch the shaky-cam action scenes in this after 7 million incoherent shitty shaky-cam action scenes and really savor the fact that even though it FEELS out of control and wild, actually you can tell what is going on with perfect clarity the entire time!

perfect blue - this is like the most incredible movie i have seen in my entire life holy shit????? just an incredible exploration of celebrity, identity, projection, parasocial relationships, the viciousness and dehumanization women in the public eye experience within the entertainment industry and without, often from people who identify as their biggest fans... also one of the only movies (seriously it's like... this and eighth grade? what else is there?) to make meaningful use of the affective/psychological/metaphorical dimension of the internet (in a way that makes clear that with the internet it's hard to suss those three apart), despite the fact that it came out in 1997 and features a scene of someone explaining to the protagonist how to go online. like it came out THAT early and ALSO: features a scene where our constantly dissociating heroine whose grasp on reality is dissolving reads a blog an obsessive stalker has been writing in her voice and uses it to identify what she did that day... like satoshi kon (RIP) your mind... this is also probably the animated movie i've seen that makes the most interesting use of the fact that "real" and "fake" can plausibly look identical in animation. it's a dark and viscerally disturbing watch with some deeply cynical observations and yet ultimately feels very humane and not wholly depressing... it's a miracle to me this movie exists i really can't believe how good it was. everything i've ever wanted happening at once.

furiosa: a mad max saga - i'm so glad chris hemsworth got to be australian in a movie that rocked... darker and slower than fury road, both by design, but i really liked its heaviness, offset (and this is like fury road) by a core humanity that feels like a real commitment. but also it is filled with many scenes that whip unholy amounts of ass.

ball of fire - THIS MOVIE WAS SO FUCKING GOOD I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! okay this is a screwball romcom from 1941 and the premise is: "stuffy but sweet grammarian currently serving as the only hot member of an eight-person team of encyclopedists realizes after a chance encounter with a loquacious garbageman seeking trivia help that his entry on slang is hopelessly outdated and ventures out of project headquarters to learn the language of the people on the streets, where he also finds a nightclub singer with a smart mouth who unbeknownst to him is a gangster's moll tangled in a web of her own." IS THAT NOT THE BEST IDEA FOR A MOVIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD IN YOUR LIFE???? everything about this movie is SO delightful. gary cooper is so funny and so cute and sweet blushing his way through a belated sexual awakening, barbara stanwyck is charismatic and sharp winning over both him and the seven old nerds who are silly and cartoonish in the best way (but also one of whom gets a monologue that is genuinely moving but whose obscenity is so thinly veiled i TRULY could not believe the board let it through in '41 lmao). this was screening as part of some partnership with the academy where different branches choose movies to highlight and it was selected by the writers, which makes sense because the screenplay is INCREDIBLE, both structurally and line by line. it's somehow both gonzo and intimate, weaving a goofy gangster plot that in the screwball setting reads almost like a parody of noir (the chief goon is named "pastrami" lmao) in at the edges of a genuinely tender love story of the very very best kind, which is two people who surprise each other and consequently themselves, who mutually change each other but not in a way that suggests either of them ever needed to be fixed... and the way this happens is largely through LANGUAGE!! the script is sooo in love with language itself, seeing poetry both in fast-talking street-corner patter and in a line from richard iii that appears in a scene that remains hilarious even as it's also so heart-rending that it elicited not one but two vocal oh's from the person behind me. like, it's so crucial that cooper's character's attitude towards all the slang he's missed while holed up with his books is the excitement of a botanist discovering a new species of fern, totally devoid of condescension or scorn (there's a scene where he tries to understand the meaning of "corny".... it's just so good). this movie felt like a magic trick!!! i just coudn't get over it!!! i was floating on air!!! i was thinking about it all day!!! love yourself and watch it as soon as you're able!!!

ONGOING: interview with the vampire season 2 - Finally Some Good Fucking Food

read

andy greenwald, nothing feels good: punk rock, teenagers, and emo - when i was working on the taylor post i asked nick if the starting line qualified as emo and he responded by pulling this book off the shelf and seeing if they were mentioned (they are, several times). i flipped through it for some additional context and decided to read it for real because i was in the mood for some light nonfiction and it seemed fun and also i know andy greenwald as half of one of the ringer podcasts (the watch, which discusses TV; i had no idea he used to be a music guy). anyway i liked this more than i expected to honestly! you can tell that greenwald genuinely admires the work of many of the bands mentioned, both in emo's hardcore antecedents and in the scene/movement/trend itself (and he devotes a lot of space to the ways emo is all three of those in different ways or sometimes all at once), but you also get the sense that he's approaching this more as a journalist than as a critic, and his primary interest is less the music than the experience of the bands and especially of the fans; it's an oversimplification to say that his argument about emo is that it brings the catharsis of punk to uncool normie teens (given the origin point of my journey with this book, yes, i did constantly find myself stumbling across sentences that sounded like things a person could write about taylor swift lmao), but that's kind of the idea, and crucial here is that greenwald thinks it's good and special that these kids have something that means so much to them, and that's true regardless of the music's artistic merits, which obviously appeals a lot to me, a person whose now deleted perblog had a running tag called #avril lavigne was my kathleen hanna. the sections where he interviews actual teenagers made me choke up... multiple times. i was also kind of pleasantly surprised by how well most of the musicians he interviews come off. a lot of attention is given to chris carrabba of dashboard confessional (not really "of," apparently it's like the mountain goats where the name refers to A Guy and other people also appear variously...) who comes across as sincere and also sincerely actually kind of tormented and unwell to the extent that i found myself like concerned about his mental health, which was not an emotion i expected to ever feel... also the final two chapters are about the internet and the last chapter specifically is about livejournal and as someone who got on liveournal as a teenager the year this book came out, greenwald is more astute about the draw of blogging for young people with many feelings than basically anyone i read pontificating on the topic in high school and maybe anyone since - i'm really hard-pressed to come up with something About The Internet i've read that made me feel "yes! this is true and resonant to my experience of Online!" as much as this did.

courtney summers, the project - summers is one of a handful of authors i actively follow, and this is the first of two books of hers i've missed while having several off-years for reading. like a special gift for me personally, it's about cults, and she nails it; the book has two timelines, one in the present and one in the past, each following one of a pair of sisters drawn into the cult at a different time, in a different way, for different reasons - but to horrifying ends just the same. summers has talked in interviews and in her newsletter about wanting to write books that push at the empathy gap for imperfect victims, and this one pushes it as far as she's ever gone; i just think it's so, so, so great that she asks the reader to watch two different vulnerable people fall for manipulation she knows the reader will be able to spot a mile away and refuses to judge her characters for being manipulated. (also as someone with Some Interest In Cults, but no personal experience... for what it's worth, i think she really nailed the organization, which she says is inspired primarily by the people's temple but will ring familiar to others as well because on a certain level all these places are the same, as well as the charismatic figure at its center. and i thought it was kinda baller to make it an explicitly christian cult.) it's also her plottiest book yet, even more so than sadie, but still retains her knife-sharp interiority. at one point in this book a character who's a journalist says something like "the closer to the bone you get, the less you can be denied," which is an apt a mission statement as she's ever written for herself, and a pretty good one if you're on the market.

listened

dula lipa, radical optimism - dua lipa is to me the living embodiment of that line from the other two, "thank you, john legend! another b-plus!" and, indeed, this album is: Fine

billie eilish, hit me hard and soft - i really wanted to adore this the way i adored happier than ever, which totally blew me away, but i didn't - it's a little too polished, a little too respectable as Well Crafted Pop (as opposed to happier than ever which sort of flirted with respectability vis a vis its subject matter and the oldies influence on its several slower tracks, but which as a project was so eclectic and brimming with ambition that it still felt really electric). but, i mean, it's still good - i really think eilish is top-tier as a songwriter and her lyricism remains distinctive (who else would open her sweetest and most joyful love song yet with a verse saying essentially "kill me if you're gone because i would have no reason to live"?),, and finneas's glossy sheen is never anything less than pleasant to lsiten to - and obviously one of the most famous figures in pop right now putting out a single about how she loves eating pussy and spoiling the shit out of her girlfriend is an unmitigated win. my favorite track is probably the after-album release of the extended cut of the bizarre eurotrash song tucked into the last two minutes of some other normal song, which makes no sense to exist but delights me.

[amethystfairy1]

I rewrote my novel. Admittedly I deleted it because it felt like it was me ranting and you wouldn’t enjoy it, but it made me feel good that you wanted to read a random person’s analysis.

To get out of the way first is the potential wild card invisible stalker. I saw some people speculating it was Mumbo because that seems like a rogue ability, but there’s no reason for him to have been stalking this group he barely knows instead of be with his own. I think it’s a new character, which you didn’t tag either for spoilers or because they don’t truly appear in this story. The latter is my guess, and their purpose is to be another thing hanging over Gem’s group as they go into the fight. As to who they are, because of that recent post on spoilers and the ninja thing, I’m going to guess Etho. The “why” for whoever it is is “to be revealed” information.

Next, the bird reunion. Based on that summary, they have to fight and it’ll definitely be intense. My guess is either during the pre-fight banter between the others or when they first come in contact and a failed sneak attack, the twins will recognize each other, hesitate, but go into the fight anyway because that’s what their friends/masters want. Major cognitive dissonance. I predicted one would get the upper hand and almost, but not quite, finish the other, but more specifically I think Grian will beat Pearl because she’s still injured. If I was writing it, he’d notice the injury, target it because that’s what a good killer does, and simultaneously hate himself for it. And then more delicious angst because a good avian would finish her off, but he can’t do it.

Meanwhile, I think Gem would be fighting the other two. She says in the first chapter that she’s low on magic, but she’s scary enough without the spirits. If I had to guess, I’d say she could normally solo everyone in the other group (not without difficulty, but would win in the end), but it would be the combination that could get her. Scar is also running low on magic, but we don’t know how the two compare. I don’t think we’ve seen Scar fight without magic either, so he could quickly empty his reserves. Mumbo is a very scary opponent and has the element of surprise, but I’m not sure how he’d stack up in a brawl. Judging by that summary of him nearly dying, I’m not optimistic. Scar has previously detected enemies with the spirits, but it’d be interesting to see if another nature elf can go undetected with their own magic. Then it’d be up to Grian to notice them when they’re pretty close, if he’s in a state of mind to do so effectively.

Speaking of state of mind, that was just them physically. Mentally no one is doing well. Mumbo and Scar are worried about Grian and are probably mulling over the target they painted on their backs. Gem is stressed out about the stalker, always worried about Pearl, and her guilt and frustration are turning to rage. That could all cloud her fighting abilities, but so could that empathy she’s trying to shut down. Recognizing Mumbo could give her pause, as could seeing Pearl in Grian and herself in the other boys. A vision just came to me of Grian using his wings to protect one of them from Gem and that causing her to stop. I could also see her stopping if she thought Pearl was about to die again. Both sides would stop if one of the avians admitted they’re siblings, but I can’t see them forcing that information out in the middle of a fight. I think the fight will end with one side recognizing themselves in the other and choosing not to continue. Then we can get a more wholesome birb reconnecting.

The thing I’m less sure about is Impulse and Skizz. I don’t quite know if they’d even participate in the fight or how that would go. I can easily see Impulse deciding not to participate because it’s not his job and he wants to protect Skizz, or him going with the group and being worried about Pearl with this job. If they do participate, that weighs things more in the favor of the Soup Group. From what we’ve seen, Impulse is strong and can tear through normal adventurers. Of course the boys are much stronger, but I’d expect him to hold his own. Skizz is a little more tricky. If he fully fights, I’d expect he’d be a beast. He was nearly retained, so he had serious skills, the only concern would be how much fighting he’s done since being sold. Granted, that didn’t seem to hold Grian back. I doubt Skizz’s heart would be in this fight though, and he’d be looking more to see if Impulse will die or if he can kill him. That won’t happen of course. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if a moment comes and Skizz either saves Impulse or doesn’t take the kill, and later has to ask himself why.

So, yeah. That’s my thoughts on what I think is being set up for this story. You don’t have to respond to this. Now I know that even if you don’t, you still enjoyed it. I look forward to seeing if I’m right or be proven wrong. Doubt I’ll be disappointed either way.

I

LOVED

THIS

SO MUCH

RAHHHHHHH

This is so so so so sooooo cool!?

Obviously I'm not gonna super in-depth respond to any of your predictions because I don't wanna give any tells because spoilers but I need you to know that I LOVED THIS.

I WAS BEAMING THE ENTIRE TIME I READ IT

It just makes me SO happy that my stories have the moving parts that make someone able to think it through and come up with theories about what's gonna happen, and that you enjoy the story enough to do so just makes me so very glad! Thank you so much for retyping your novel because I ADORED IT and I will be saving it and I love it very very very much!!!

I'm so glad you're looking forward to this fic, I have so much planned and lots is gonna happen, I'm just SO excited to share it all and it's so wonderful to see everyone is trying to figure out what's gonna go down!

Thank you thank you thank you for sharing!!! 💖💖💖

[walrus150915]

Happy pride, Nimona fandom :3

I gotcha some sketches! Gotta place them in different parts of the post so that you read everything

It's not just drawings I got HEADCANONS for you too!

Off topic but I love Nimona's design SO MUCH it's so AMAZING TO DRAW AGHHH

So

⚧Nimona LGBTQ+ specific headcanons of mine🏳‍🌈

• I've made a conclusion that if queer flags exist in Nimona universe, as well as gay drag bars (so was confirmed in the artbook), then labels DO exist. As well as good old homophobia??? I suppose????

• Nimona doesn't have a specific label because she thinks they are sorta restrictive. Also she just doesn't need one lol, if somebody asked her about her gender she'd say "Nimona"

• She'd wear the heck out of a "protect trans kids" shirt she bought no she ain't feeding into the capitalist machine she stole it

• There was something between Nimona and Gloreth but Nimona can't exactly say what for sure. Not exactly romantic but not strictly platonic. Homegirl had that toxic doomed kindergarten yuri going on😭

• Nimona doesn't look for romantic relationships. She explains it as "romance is for sappy dumb-dumbs" but in reality she just doesn't want to date and romantically love somebody who'll. Eventually die and leave her all by herself again yk (oh this got angsty real fast)

• Maybe one day Ballister tried to help her find her label (because he still tries to put things in boxes) and she just waved it off

Speaking of Ballister

• My man is transgender. Do I even have to explain. Read one of those posts that explain his transness better LMAO

• He started his medical transition as a teenager and had to fit right in not to disrupt the Institute's function. If he's a man then he has to transition QUICKLY so that others don't notice

• Because of that he's a transmedicalist and probably an enbyphobe at the start of the movie, thinking only one type of valid transness exists, and it's the one that is very binary and restrictive

• At the end he realizes the wrong of his ways and works on the internalized transphobia

• He came to terms with his homosexuality a bit easier. "It's always been boys" yk the drill

A couple of words about his boy lol

• Ambrosius is a painfully cisgender gay man. I genuinely apologize to all Transbrosius believers but he gives off STRONG cis vibes can't have a character with this surname dickless

• He's a trans ally but his opinions on trans issues were like. Very closed-minded. He supported but didn't entirely understand. Of course it changed as he went through ✨character development✨

• He was fully supportive of Ballister on his trans journey. Reassured him when Ballister felt like he wasn't enough, tried to make his boyfriend as secure as possible, loving every part of him

There should be a bunch of rather suggestive headcanons but this isn't that type of post LOL

No but think about Ambrosius kissing down Ballister's body and across his chest scars. This is my ultimate dream as a trans man

• Ambrosius also rocks a "protect trans kids" shirt that's for SURE

• He came to terms with his queerness as a teenager and had a whole crisis about it. As a Goldenloin he had the expectations of ✨continuing Gloreth's bloodline✨ thrown at him back in childhood so he sorta internalized that. Then boom, my boy is g a y and oh how gay he is!

• Click here to read about my headcanons on goldenheart when they had only started falling in love :D

• Ambrosius made inoffensive jokes about Ballister's transness. Like yk those goofy puns like "baby you put men in MENstruation", "omg does this make your parents transparent". Ballister smiled at them and rolled his eyes but also silently appreciated his bf's support, although expressed so stupidly

• He also made sure Ballister took proper care of his body because you know Ballister would not bind safely, being a dumb teen

Anyway yeah gay people

Unpopular opinion but we as a fandom should start drawing Bal with a disability queer pride flag

Side characters headcanons, anyone? XD

• Diego came out as nonbinary after the events of the movie. He got that he/they swag going on

• Also Ballister was his queer awakening FIGHT ME ABOUT IT. He had the stupidest, most childish celebrity crush on Bal. Maybe Bal formed Diego's type in men fjfhhx I like to think Diego got a boyfriend whose attitude is similar to Bal's

• Remember those news anchors? (they are so underrated omg) Well Nate Knight has a husband and Alanzapam Davis is a bi queen🙏

• Speaking of queens. Valerin is a straight ally💪💪 I imagine her being quite iconic on the Kingdom's queer side of the internet. They call her "mother" and stuff aajjaj

• the Director is homophobic, need I say more? So is Todd but I actually imagine him being a type of guy to reject his queerness

Haha mailman *winks at yrrtyrrtwhenihrrthrrt*

• Todd had NO idea Ballister was trans. NONE

• The Kingdom has pride events!! Ambrosius and Ballister were very happy and excited to attend those as an official couple once they were out :}

• Nimona attended them every year, ofc she had to hide her true nature but it was fun for her to march along! And it was even more fun when everyone accepted her!!

Anyway yeah this was very fun to make!! Happy pride y'all, lmk what you think ;D

[yuurivoice]

Happy pride month! I was wondering if you would ever make a trans character or if its ok to headcanon any of you characters trans. I really headcanon faust being ftm cuz i relate to him so him

I never mind anyone headcanoning a character as trans. I think it's dope. I think in terms of my content specifically, particularly characters I voice, I shouldn't just make and portray a trans character as most of my boys are particularly geared to sell smut in addition to the plot, and that's a whole additional layer of stuff to consider because it's like...yo why is this cis guy profiting off something that should be handled with thoughtful consideration.

That being said, I'd like to explore my creativity outside of the bounds of just the audio roleplay medium. I'd like to write and tell stories in many ways, some of which absolutely involve creating characters that don't look like me, and have very different experiences from me.

When that time comes, I'll be figuring out a process for sensitivity reads, talking with all sorts of people to gain further insight and understanding before just...making things.

It's something I try to be conscious of. I don't think a creative has to only stick with whatever lived experience they have gone through, but I think it is the bare minimum to do the legwork to understand people and whatever stories you tell, know that you may be waving flags that are not your own, and that comes with responsibility. It might also come with shutting the fuck up. You won't be able to please everyone in a scenario like that, and sometimes you just have to accept it.

I've been very lucky to have spent a pretty significant part of my life getting to know people who aren't like me. That's only scratching the surface, but if I have one strength, it's listening. I don't always get it right, or know all the things, but that awareness is why I'd take those extra steps to grasp wtf I'm about to tackle in my work.

And if I think it's beyond me, I'll also know when to hang my hat up and move along.

All of that being said, I certainly have no issue with a trans Faust headcanon. I've spoken before about how he's about as close as I'll get to publicly exploring my own complicated thoughts on my gender and whatnot. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable enough to delve top deep into that in my public facing work just because while I trust my core audience to be great to me, that's the sort of thing that I don't think I'd want to go out of my regular orbit and leave me explaining myself to strangers on the internet. 😂

[angelsdean]

me: tries very hard everyday not to be an asshole on tumblr dot com with my very specific destiel opinions / headcanons. but it's so hard

[autisticaradiamegido]

thoughts on dave and aradia (<>)?

day 356

BIG fan tbh. in this house we love and respect timerails

truly yall read this log and tell me theyre not cute

[dekusleftsock]

Mha fandom when you say that Izuku’s biggest fic mischaracterization isn’t making him twinky:

WHEN DID BEING A TWINK BECOME A BAD THING CAN I JUST ASK THAT

Like yes, twinkifying one male character in a ship can be annoying—it can perpetuate heterosexual roles onto same sex relationships (“who’s the woman in the relationship/who wears the pants in the relationship?”), BUT LET US BE CLEAR:

TWINKS ARE A PART OF THE QUEER COMMUNITY. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A TWINK, MAKING A CHARACTER A TWINK, OR SEEING A CHARACTER AS A TWINK.

WHEN in the ever loving FUCK did that somehow translate into “the twink has to be the stereotypically aggressive one so it doesn’t abide by queer stereotypes”. HOW DID WE GET HERE.

[voiider]

I think mayhaps that Batman should exclusively be a member of the Justice League Dark. He doesn't really like working with people but also sometimes John Constantine is like "You know Batsy, If you help me save the world by proxy it saves Gotham" So he does begrudgingly. But only sometimes when they need help with some things because he's like a very good detective and sometimes you need that! But also mostly I just want the rest of the Justice League to not believe that The Batman is real??

There's an issue that they need dealt with and they think it's a demon so they call Constantine and he's like "nah mate, this is just weird ritualistic sacrifices, I got a call to B-man on this one"

And Superman is like "haha The Batman isn't real... Right?" And then they meet him and he is very much real.

And Diana is all like "Oh Clark you silly, obviously The Batman is real" But internally she's like "holy shit The Batman is real???"

Green Arrow still doesn't believe it because he keeps missing any mission that The Batman happens to go on and he's like "If The Batman was real my best friend Brucie Wayne would have told me so. Brucey said that the Batman is just a scare tactic created by the Gotham Police department" So he's pretty sure that the rest of the Justice League is just playing a long practical joke against him specifically

[sysig]

How is skeleton shaped (Patreon)

[brookheimer]

okay i think i’m alone in my shiv take LOL i’m going to hush up for a while and see what people are saying and think on the ending some but right now i just… do not understand the last 30 or so minutes from shiv’s perspective and the last 10 are downright baffling. trying very hard not to feel like succession just 180’d everything that’s been good about the shiv writing this season (and in general but esp this season) but every time i think ab the last tomshiv scene my stomach turns grotesquely

[ultimateplaylistmaker]

BASED. Finally someone actually acknowledging Tenko`s sexism and making her overcome it instead of unfunny jokes or ignoring it.

Making unfunny jokes? Lame

Ignoring it? BORING

Having Tenko run a primarily woman's shelter during the literal apocalypse which forces her to see actual genuine families that she in her heart cannot bare to turn away when she has resources to help, forcing her to interact with guys more then she had before and getting to observe them be good people trying to help their mothers and sisters. When clearly troubled by how this is changing her world views a nice older trans lady sees this young teenager trying to help everyone but clearly having gender essentialist views correctly blames her guardian for her teaching her those views then goes over to help/adopt her, slowly working through it and kindly correcting her when she messes up or says something bigoted and while Tenko's progress is slow and she still makes mistakes, a lot of them, its clear she's trying and she's growing and she'll get there one day and you just cant help but be proud of her while Tenko learns to be more then just what her master wanted for her and learns who she is outside this role she was molded into causing her to question herself in ways she never was allowed to before? BASED AS HELL

[sunshades]

One thing about canto VI is like. I see so many people predicting it'll be about Fighting Evil Wife or Breaking Codependent Toxic Relationship and I just kinda think that would suck? If the major theme isn't grief AND love and the way both are seen as like Kinda Weird/inappropriate in the setting of the city. Then I'll be very sad.