#but by god i will gas myself up yknow?

[thefandomcassandra]

"Stop! Halt! Cease!" Even as he cried out, the prosecution and judge remained eerily silent, as if they were waiting to see where this all went.

Phoenix gave the man on the witness stand a dry, cutting smile and began to speak, prompting Maya to continue to echo him.

"Those names and more are all on record in the Fey & Co. Law Office. There's also clearly recorded links between scandals, sudden loss in funds, suicides, and Bluecorp's sudden influence in their lives."

"How—?!"

"You might have taken and destroyed the evidence in the Thinker—the ones with your name directly on them—but you didn't get everything. Mia had been building this case for years. She had more evidence than you could have expected."

He looked like an insect pinned to a board. "Please—!"

"I won't release these names to the press because I don't have to. The court stenographer has already noted them down. The public gallery has heard me speak them out loud. Everyone saw you fold like a bad hand of poker. You can't hide that from anyone now."

"I'll do anything—how much?!"

"For what?" Maya asked, the first thing she said herself since Phoenix began listing the names he'd memorized.

"Defend me. You're clever, you've proven it today. Defend me in court when—"

She cut him off. "And you'll give me anything I want?"

"Anything!" The world seemed to narrow in, focusing on her and him and no one else in the world. No Prosecutor Edgeworth, no judge, no Phoenix, no gallery. Just Maya Fey and Redd White.

Just Maya Fey and her justice.

"I want my sister back, you son of a bitch."

hallowed be thy unknown Ch. 3

I like this scene a lot so I drew it as a series of panels comic. Sorry my handwriting is a little bad. Redd White is surprisingly fun to draw. Didn't expect to like it.

[coffeeflavored-tears]

i wish i wasn’t poor :(

[tgcg]

parallel movement

[1]===============================================

TG: no rose look were dj crabapple so when we hang out its a mashup i dont get what the problem is

TT: Disregarding the unsavoury implications of you "mashing up" with Karkat, I find it very interesting that you won't even say the word.

TG: i dont need to say the word because it is not even relevant to the situation it is lightyears away dude youre lost in fuckin space with this

[2]==============================================

GA: Very Well Then

GA: Tell Me Karkat What Did You Do Yesterday Again

CG: WE WENT TO SEE A RERUN OF THE EARTH MOVIE "SHARK TALE (2004)" ON ITS "VENICE FILM FESTIVAL PREMIER ANNIVERSARY" OF SEPTEMBER 10TH.

GA: You Remembered All That

CG: YES?

GA: Well

CG: ????

GA: So Anyways You Had Gone To See A Movie Together

CG: YES, KANAYA. BUT KEEP YOUR IGNORANCE-SHAFT'S LOWER MANDIBLE FROM CRATERING THE GROUND JUST YET, BECAUSE WE EVEN HAD A *MEAL* AFTERWARDS!

GA: Interesting

GA: And At What Time Did You Eat Together

[3]==============================================

TG: i dunno man like 7:40:13 pm we didnt book so we had to wait a shitload of time but thats irrelevant

TT: So you had dinner together?

TG: i swear to god if youre on this psychoanalysis non sense again im gonna flip

TG: dont you dare lift your hand up and stroke your chin in consideration with that index finger and hum in a thoughtful tone dont you do it

[4]==============================================

GA: Hmmm

CG: WOW! NOW YOU'RE EVEN STOOPING SO LOW AS TO REPLICATE LALONDE'S CONTEMPTIBLE LITTLE "PSYCHOANALYSIS" ROUTINE. CLASSIC! WHY DON'T WE JUST INVITE HER OVER HERE RIGHT NOW SO I CAN PROSTRATE MYSELF FULLY TO THE WHOLE AUDIENCE! BUT GASP, WATCH AS THE PERFORMER SKIRTS AROUND THAT THINKPAN-MELTING PITFALL LIKE AN ANGELIC FUCKING BALLERINA ROUND THE TRAPDOOR, BECAUSE THAT HOLE LEADS STRAIGHT TO--

GA: Karkat Please Relax Im Just Trying To Ascertain How Your D-

[5]==============================================

TG: --mashup

TT: "Mashup" went.

TG: yknow whats funny i dont ever hear an usher raymond iv of that word while you and kanaya are all tuckin each others hair behind yalls ears and blushing demurely

TT: You have it all wrong, Dave; Kanaya and I's regular meetings of intercultural exchange are just that, not --

[6]==============================================

CG: HMMMMM.

GA: Touché

[shitpostingsystem]

bsd ramblings (season 3 and 4)

“is there really any value to this thing we call living?” dazai’s a mood

KID DAZAI AND CHUUYA OMFGOMFG

“what kind of suicidal punk are you” — chuuya to his future husband 

omg i love the sillies

mori sounds like the kurzgesagt dude ngl

THEY HATE EACH OTHER OMG THEYRE SO IN LOVE

THE  B A N T E R

I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

chuuya being a shortie is so fun. “i’m still growing” growing my ass just kiss dazai already 

THE ODA PARALLELS AAAAAAAAAAAAA

dazai you autistic motherfucker 

chuuya being a gang leader is fun

dazai is my silly

wait so chuuya’s technically 7 years younger than he actually is? 

gravity boi x suicidal manic, my favorite ship dynamic 

THE BABIS ARE SKKING THE BABIS ARE SKKING THEYRE DOUBLE BLACK WKEHRUEHUFUEBDHDHSBEH

when are dazai and chuuya gonna kiss dammit

THE SILLIES ARE BANTERING JEUDHWHSUHE I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

WHY IS DOSTOYEVSKY SO FINE

dostoyevsky is so silly

i am in dire need of more pm dazai. i need it all. i need more. i crave my husband’s past life. i need to see him and chuuya kiss while wiping out their enemies. 

i can’t wait to write fanfic once i finish this show. i don’t wanna screw up anything canon wise so i’ll wait. i’ll watch all of the show plus the spin-off to get all the dazai i can. i’ve already pirated the movie, nothing can stop me now. 

dazai is a slut and i love him for it. this is actually canon (at least during his pm years he was) 

dazai x kunikida x chuuya

kyouka is my child, i love her so much 

I HATE FANSERVICE. I THOUGHT BSD WOULD BE THE GOOD ANIME WITHOUT IT

KYOUKA MY BABY IM SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR PARENTS I LOVE HERRRRR

power of money?? real american o7 yeehaw capitalism 

bro just walked into someone’s home, sat down, and started laughing

“black daniels” HEY THATS JACK DANIELS

“hey poe!! it’s so nice to see you!!” JUST KISS ALREADY YOU TWO

the random ass fish-eye cuts in this show 😭😭

“OBJECTION!!” what is this, ace attorney???

i love how the superhumans are called gifteds, implying they’ve taken at least one honors/ap course. by that logic, i’m extra gifted (im in honors history and english) 

i haven’t seen dazai in a while wtf. where’s my husband?? i’ve barely seen kunikida, let alone chuuya. ok he’s here rn, prob won’t be for long 

ok but seriously mori is a pedo. elise is getting used even though she’s a fucking brat who gets what she wants

oh shit they got blew up

nvm 

DID AKUTAGAWA JUST NARUTO RUN

oh shit i forgot the catholic existed. puritan, whatever. same difference, both are culty at times

FUCK MORI. THAT FUCKING PEDO.

i think what i love about bsd is that the characters are complex. dazai can be considered a serial killer and definitely bad mentor to akutagawa but an amazing mentor to atsushi and is my husband

i love dostoyevsky’s english va. they did such an amazing job. 100/10 russian accent 

MY HUSBAND GOT SHOT OMGOMGOMG MY BABYYYYYYYYYYYY

HI CHUUYA I MISSED YOU. AKUTAGAWA TOO HI HELLO 

RANPO <33 MY SILLY GETTING SERIOUS OOOOOO

HI KENJI IT’S BEEN SO LONG I HAVENT SEEN YOU

CHUUYA I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

virus cannibalism my favorite /j

kunikida has tear gas powers? what is he, a cop???

oh noooo a kid got shotttttt how terribleeeeee  /s

THE SAD AF MUSIC I CANT WHY IS THERE A CELLO HERE

oh that’s why, dostoyevsky has one

I LOVE GIN <33

kenji the silly!! 

“aren’t you the one who lost to dazai?” RANPO RUBBING THE WOUND IN DAMN

the music is autism frfr

KARL <333333

“if ranpo really were to die in that world though, what would i do with myself?” — edgar allen poe

katai’s dead? damn. rip ig

oh shit here’s the bowl cut lemon dude

the office girls are dating 

damn fukuzawa and mori had a past together

WHY DOES NATSUME LOOK LIKE WALMART HITLER 

dazai making his kids work together is gold

“what did you have for dinner last night?” “yes” GOD I LOVE THIS SHOW

the classical music omg 

“you’re quite the rough ride, yknow” that’s what she said

“enough, you’re not paying for this ride” that’s what she said

incel (katai) isn’t dead 

i love how dazai is the mafia boss in a different timeline 

akutagawa and atsushi are so down bad for each other omg

my native english speaking ass hears theodore instead of fyodor. i’m pretty sure it’s the same but different languages but still 

dazai <3

ranpo <3

BAR LUPIN BAR LUPIN WJSBAJBSKWUSMSIMSJDBHSJSHSHS IM GONNA CRY 

wait so season 4 is fukazawa focused? dammit i wanted more dazai

HI RANPO MY SCRUNGO HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI

i fucking love ranpo. the silly 

he’s such a brat. good for him 

IS THERE A CULT????? LOWKEY LOOKS LIKE CHRISTIANITY ON STEROIDS 

oh it’s the play 

“there something everyone else gets and i don’t get it” RANPO MY AUTISTIC SCRUNGO <33 

ranpo my silly <33

honestly i keep forgetting they’re detectives

ranpo has adhd and autism 

ranpo got fucking bitch slapped i love him 

“as always, i have a hard time saying no to ranpo” ITS BECAUSE YOURE GAY POE

“but i got to see your rare, exasperated face so it was well worth the money!” poe you homosexual 

“are you that detective’s fanboy or something?” “no i’m his rival!” how about boyfriend? 

i fucking love ranpo omg 

NIKOLAI IS SO SILLY 

why can i handle anime gore but not irl organs omg

my gore levels are weird. organs and bodily fluids (beside blood) are a no-go but i can see a dead body no problem 

when did atsushi become op

“a total of 625 charges…” MY BABY GETTING ARRESTED NOOO

GOD I FUCKING LOVE NIKOLAI

wait so the ada is a front? wtf??

i’m so confused wtf is going on

the decay of angels would be a cool ass band name

ok so moot says ada is innocent and shit like that. i trust them.

teruko is my child 

everyone’s a shitty person i love them

HI CHUUYA OMG I MISSED YOU SO MUCH AAAAAAAAAAAA

why chuuya kinda 😳😳

kunikida has ocd (i’m not projecting wdymmm) 

“i won’t let anyone mess up my schedule!” whole mood and a half there kunikida

WHY DOES THE FANDOM IGNORE KUNIKIDA BEING AN IDEALIST OMG

dazai <33333333333333333333

dazai and dostoyevsky are besties fuck you

“she’s so strong-willed! i love it!” MORI YOU PEDO

“Dazai is a good person SOMETIMES! But he’s also a criminal who has done fucked up shit! And he has a personality! He’s really smart! And lowkey manipulative to get what he wants! He’s not amazing!” my moot gets it!! 

morally dubious characters <33

i love yosano so much 

HI ANGO

i love lucy 

sticking out your gyatt for the rizzlerrr you’re so skibidiiiiiiii you’re so fanum taxxxxxx i just wanna be your SIGMAAAAAAAAAAA

sigma is so silly. i love him

dazai is a weezer fan

chuuya is a nirvana fan 

i’m terrible with names so i’m like “oh damn That Dude” both fictional and irl. like atsushi was Terrible Bang Traumatized Furry until i got his name 

i don’t even read omegaverse but every time they say sigma i cringe 

sigma has amnesia?? mood

bro’s a fictional character within a world of fictional characters 

dostoyevsky <3333

sigma named himself??? nah don’t even he was born with an ao3 account 

i don’t know shit about cosmetology but if i got ahold of sigma i would fix his hair

oh hey catholic scarlet letter man

if my beautician aunt saw atsushi and sigma she would take them out of the show, fix their hair, beat them up, and put them back as changed men 

I LOVE DAZAI OMFG AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHEN HIS VOICE GETS SUPER LOW AND AKENSISBIZHWHXHWBZUWBZIBQIXHWNXHD

WHERE THE HELL IS CHUUYA OMFG 

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3315

today was surprisingly tough on me.

it's not necessarily the exhaustion, although that certainly didn't help.

it's not the job, not in the least. i'm actually pretty proud of myself in that department. we had a meeting with jack today about the next GRR and i came up with a timeline for it. and he'll be talking to the product security guy on tuesday to kinda get the ball rolling for that. (when i told jack i wanted his job when he left, i didn't intend for it to be this soon.)

tw: disordered eating, money problems. suffice it to say i should really talk to my therapist soon. and learn boundaries because i need to care for myself too, not just everyone else.

most of my issues today stemmed from thinking about money. i have a fairly comprehensive budget i created in excel. it takes into account holidays, overtime pay, the hourly rate, taxes, benefits, all of my bills, and my bank balance at any given time. the problem is that i'm going to likely break even at the end of the year, which makes it frustrating because i'd like to have a little extra, yknow? when you budget you need to overestimate your expenses and underestimate your income. that way, you should be okay if something turns out weird.

but the problem i am encountering is that even what i'm making isn't enough. first off, i can't say "no" when people ask for help. i don't think about myself in that moment; i focus on helping whoever it is survive and get the things they need. when it comes to myself, though, the wants and needs are fucked up.

for example: when i talked to myself after work today, trying to figure out what to do for dinner, i asked my mom. she recommended wendy's and mcdonald's, and then she said "save your money." i know i should save my money. but i also need to eat. but my stupid little fucked up brain went, "i need to save money, but i want to eat." which, obviously, is a fucked up way to think. any normal person would say "they need to eat but they want to save money." but nope, not me and my fucked up brain, this shit could never.

so i spent about an hour being upset and trying to figure out how to eat something, save money, and comfort myself without retail therapy or actual therapy. this is a good thing to touch on with christine when i next talk to her. god, i really hope the state determines i can get a tax credit for my insurance. it's all killing me. when i help people and send them money, i think about them needing to eat, needing a comfortable place to live, needing medications to keep themselves well. i don't think about the fact that i'm hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt that i will likely never pay off. i did some calculations, and if i hadn't sent money to a friend, i would've been able to have dinner and not worry about it. but because i didn't do that, i spent the hour drive home agonizing about it before finally deciding to get a few things from the convenience store at the gas station and eating a pint of ice cream for dinner.

healthy? no. cheap? more so than a full meal. and it was from my gas account, so it doesn't go against my full budget.

god i'm such a disaster.

i need to learn to say no and i need to learn to have healthy boundaries and i need to learn how to fix my disordered thinking and the bizarre relationship i have with food. it's so fucking hard to handle it. i'm struggling a lot with it.

i definitely could've used a joel hug today, but he was out when i got home and has not yet returned. so i am joel-less and hug-less. affection is hard. i need so much of it but i get so little.

sigh.

[hikari-ni-naritai]

Mutliples of 4 uwu

4. already answered this!

8. how many water bottles are in your room right now?

two! one is my reusable one and the other is garbage from when i was driving to philadelphia but i forgot to bring my reusable bottle so i bought a big bottle of fiji from the gas station and threw it away when i finished it at home. i missed the trash can tho and its now on my floor.

12. what kind of day is it?

a kind of sleepytired day. my eyes hurt in a familiar kinda way.

16. can you drive?

yes! im sooo good at driving. i was basically made in a factory to drive cute girls around in my passenger seat but i fucked it up by getting really into progressive metal.

20. do you say soda or pop?

i usually avoid this difficult conflict by just saying the name of the drink im having. if i have to choose, it changes every time. i dont know whats more natural to me anymore.

24. if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing?

probably the same as the last person who asked this one. vibing. i would look at the stars probably.

28. do you wear a mask?

is this like covid masks or metaphorical masks? if im going to like a doctor's office or something yes. i tend not to go most other places. metaphorically dont we all? my mask is a facsimile of myself though.

32. do you have a favorite towel?

mm technically? i bought 2 of the lowest quality white towels i could find and those are my favorite. i dont like towels that are too plush. they feel like they arent drying me enough. also i dont like. use any other towels, so its debatable if these can be considered my 'favorites'

36. answered this!

40. answered this also!

44. you get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it?

yknow would looooove to kill hephaistos ffxiv. such a fucking pain to try and find reclear parties that know what theyre doing.

48. when did you first try an alcohol beverage?

god when was it. probably when i was like....... 25 or 26? ish? idk i got a cup of sprite/apple whiskey from my brother. it was fine. theres a weird heartburn-adjacent warmth that comes from alcohol that im not fond of. its like the way my eyes hurt now but in my throat. makes me feel.... like if 'tired' was localized somewhere else. its hard to explain. anyway i tend not to drink these days. i used to have something if i was going to be in a voice call with someone new, back when i was still rebuilding my shattered social life, but i dont need that anymore. the sprite/apple whiskey would be my go-to though if i was going to have a drink. its nice.

[charbunnies]

top 5 final fantasy xiv characters and why. go 🎤

okay some of this is hard and some of this is really easy. i'm sorry that most of these won't be super detailed but to be fair my memory is rusty on xiv and my favoritism in xiv tends to be based on vibes and how they relate to vett so 👍 i'm also gonna slap gposes in here if i have relevant ones. for funsies :)

ENDWALKER SPOILER WARNING

1. elidibus

EASY CHOICE. extremely easy choice. i normally don't pick favorites based on how i relate to them, but he's kind of an exception. i started paying attention to him at around the same time that i was really struggling with losing my memory, and i got SO attached to him that it helped me work through/come to terms with that. so he's really important to me. but, aside from that, i want to put him under a microscope, and i think he's funny, and the TRAGEDY of it all makes me insane, and my own headcanon stuff about him (plus the stuff i've done with him and vett and/or anteros) just makes it worse. he's just so interesting, there's so much going on and every bit of it makes me feel sick in the head. i will think about him holding those crystals in his little hands for the rest of my life i think. changed me permanently. i miss pandaemonium. i love you themis my scrinkly. that's my baby. have a gpose

2. alphinaud and alisaie (do not separate them.)

MY KIDS!!! MY LITTLE GUYS!!! they were the reason i actually started taking xiv seriously, so, also easy choice. izzy showed me the twins before i started playing and i got invested. i am very easily moved by teenage protagonists and also twin characters so alphinaud and alisaie were like catnip to me. i was waiting through all of ARR with bated breath for every moment that i could get of those little freaks and got attached to alphy so fucking fast. i've never understood the people who didn't like alphinaud through ARR because i always thought his spoiled-brat-ness was so fucking endearing. i was worried that i wouldn't like alisaie as much because she properly joins the party late, and alphinaud was my Favorite Favorite up until that point, but GOD i was proven so wrong. i love her so so much. that scene with her and ga bu on the cliff in post-heavensward is so vivid in my mind. like, branded there forever. both of the twins are just so so good, so determined to help people, so differently headstrong but they love each other SO MUCH... i have so many feelings about the twins. and don't get me started on their relationships with vett. alphivett makes me crazy but honestly alisaie and vett may make me even crazier (though how do you even quantify that?). THEY'RE FOILS!!! THEY'RE BEST FRIENDS!!! THEY CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT EACH OTHER!!! AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! THROWING MYSELF ON THE FLOOR!!! have some gposes :)

3. meteion

hard for me to put her third tbh, but i can't tie all of them LOL. oh meteion, my dearest little bird. i cried so so much over her. the fact that she was an endwalker original character and yet she's up here at 3rd is crazy. there's so much i could say about her, but i don't even know where to start. she and vett are just so much alike, it was impossible for her not to get a death grip on me. the instant i saw her i knew she was going to wreck me and i was so, so right. admittedly a lot of the reason why i love her has to do with vett (because everything in xiv is colored by him to me) but that doesn't mean i don't love her just as she is. she's just so little, and she meant so well, and she suffered so much for a cause she didn't even understand. i love her dynamic with hermes so much (AND I LOVE HERMES!!! SO SO MUCH!!!!) and i love her kindness and i love her curiosity. my itty bitty sweetheart 🥺💙 AND she's vett's best friend!!! i will be talking about her a lot in one of the other asks i got for my birthday so i will end this here but look at these anyway :')

4. estinien

yknow i was thinking about this list really hard. because after 3rd it starts getting muddy because i love so many of these characters so much. but estinien was a standout i think, so he gets 4th. i am enthralled by his autistic nature. i love him i think he's silly but also i started bawling over him in garlemald when he showed up to save the twins and he made me cry the hardest in ultima thule (aside from the twins but that's Different that was a whole different thing). he's comforting to me. he's vett's big brother. i love the ways he expresses his love + care for things (awkwardly). i love thinking about how he's changed since ARR. i give him identity issues and chronic pain and dragon traits because it's correct. i just love estinien so much. my stinky dragon. also one of my favorite gposes i've ever done was this one of him and vett so like Yeag. no one gets them like i do (sobbing into my hands)

5. g'raha

i agonized over this spot for so long you have no idea. however! grandpa tia won out in the end. he makes me feel the agonies extremely badly. yet another character with weird identity issues and chronic pain YAYYYYYY. also funny thing, g'raha is the only one here without a huge amount of baggage with vett! lol. (count yourself lucky that i didn't put hades 5th because then there'd be a whole ramble about THAT unusual baggage) instead i smush him and vincent together like barbie dolls and put them in the long-lost-childhood-friends-to-lovers blender and torment them. but yeah. i love g'raha very much. i think about the crystal exarch for a little too long and feel like crumbling into nothingness. also, fun fact, he's my mom's favorite character :) so that's fun. anyway look at my vinraha boy

but the TRUTH is. my favorite xiv characters. are my wols <3

i love you y'vett bhell. i love you vincent fowler. you will always be famous to me

[lunatic-fandom-space]

"Its 10pm and Id like to read at least one more volume" I said before proceeding to stay up until 4:30am reading this manga until I was finished

So yeah, Im writing this at around 8:30am having gotten three hours of sleep and one hour of laying in bed awake, after I finished volume 30 chapter 165 of the black hutler and Id like to talk about some of my thoughts

I know that the emglish and japanese version are already further along than that (I mean, if my research was correct volume 31 did come out in german already, I just couldnt find a physical copy at either of my local bookstores), so I would appreciate it if you didnt spoil me

So yeah, non-spoilers first I guess:

Honestly, I had kind of mixed feelings about a lot of the... revelations ? is probably the best word? I dont know, like, I was reading this and I just kinda let myself be taken along for this thrilling rollercoaster of emotions but while I was doing that, I couldnt help but notice this nagging feeling of "uohhhh, i dont really like where this going" in the back of my mind, which made for a bit of a 'conflicting' read. Even now that Im fully awake looking back on it, I still dont quite know how to feel. I feel like with these kinds of wild storylines it always more or less depends on the conclusion, so I guess I'll wait for that

Also, as for my theory about the people from the Undertakers medallions being people who entered contracts with demons, Im a little less sure about that now?? Idk why because nothing happened that would contradict this

And thats pretty much it, I'll go into some of the more spoiler-y details now

HOLY HELL THAT TWIN TWIST WAS INSANE WTF MAN

like, I was kinda spoiled for this because Ive read a few fanfics where this is sort of mentioned, although it qas alqays in a pretty vague way and I was still shocked

Heres what I wrote to my friends in a discord server Im in right after the older brother showed up:

"Oh god

This arc was already some insane bullshit but Something just happened sorry if I spam in advance

Theres two Ciels

I was already kinda spoiled for this but still

like, okay, so in the previous arc Ciel had to be forcefed w/ a funnel so he wouldnt die of mustard gas poisoning and it triggered some traumatic memories from his past and he had an episode where he wouldnt let any adult touch him and during whole ordeal he would, idk dream or hallucinate or something

And he would hallucinate about himself standing on this beg chess board with a pretty outfit and a version of himself without the contract seal

And I was like 'surely this cant be literal, it has to be symbolic" yknow, the version of Ciel without the contract seal is an untainted version, possibly what he vouldve been if it wasnt for that day

NOPE

I WAS WRONG"

so yeah, that was something.

I still dont know how to feel about this, like, it makes sense even though its pretty clear to me that they came up with this twist a bit later on (I believe they had this idea a little before the Campania arc, I remember that scene during the extended flashback where hes standing in front of his parents graves also having a small cut-off panel with a gravestone with Ciels name on it), but ugh. Idk I'll just see how it goes I guess

I am sooooo curious about whats up with the Undertaker and the Phantomhives like ??? Bro, he CRIED looking at a picture of Vincent thats so weird. And obviously he went through all the trouble of reviving Ciel thats wild. So yeah, very excited to see where that goes

Im also very excited to see what theyre gonna do with Soma now. I really liked Agnis death and I while it felt like his change in personality was a bit jarring, I do like him becoming more jaded like Ciel. Theres a vertain irony to it bc he did admire him and sort of wanted to be like him in some way

Ngl I found it so frustrating how Lizzy and the Midfords and Tanaka just fully abandoned (our) Ciel after the other one showed up. Lizzy especially because its like

[katnisscarter]

It’s lowkey really hard like to be in a spot mentally where I’m okay again and like have my future look so different. Like I’ve spent the last year getting better mentally to where I’m a functioning person. well half of it was spent lowering the meds so I could fuckinf think finally I mean that took six months alone and then I was really focused on finishing school but now that I’m here it’s just like. It’s so hard because I still want the same future. That’s never changed for me. Like through all this my feelings haven’t changed. They’ve been hurt like I’ve been extremely hurt but they haven’t gone away like everyone said they would. I mean I listened to everyone I even tried dating someone else but it just wasn’t. … it wasn’t right. It wasn’t the right person. It wasn’t you. When I think of possibly moving out by the end of the year looking for an apartment by myself feels wrong. I still want to look for a house with you. When I think of my wedding day watching this dumb reality tv show I still think of looking down the aisle to see your face. I want to make you cookies for when you get off work. I want to be snuggled on my grandmas couch watching you play stardew valley. I want to be planning all these concerts I want to see with you. I want to pick up some gummy sharks every time I put gas in my car. I want to hear your light snore and in the middle of the night have you curl around me again in your sleep. I want Sunday mornings and I want to make you eggs. I still don’t really know how to cook. I want to be able to tell you so many fuckinf things. I want to be able to tell you so much over the last year that I’ve been through. I want you to see I’m so much better. I’m the girl you fell in love with again. I want to tell you I forgive you. I want to hold your face in my hands and tell you I forgive you and I’m so sorry for hurting you too. I want to show you my new car because omf I love her and I want to look over and see you screaming songs with me in the car again instead of just seeing an empty seat. I want to go grocery shopping with you and looking at the toy aisles and see what dumb stuff we can find. I want to hear your laugh. Like when I would make you laugh so hard your eyes get all crinkly. I want to see your summertime freckles god I fucking love those. I miss your eyes god I fell in love with your eyes. I want to be able to hold you when you have a bad day at work. I want you to hold me when I lose a patient at work. I want to be able to call you whenever I’m excited. I want you to want me again because I’ve never stopped wanting you. I want to hear you talk about whatever new scp had been found for an hour. I want you to hold my hand in the car and do the little rub with your thumb that you do. I don’t have a lot of memory of 2021 or really 2020 anymore, but I’ve never forgotten the littlest things I love about you. And I understand like it wasn’t this perfect relationship because everyone has their own shut yknow. Like we fought, we cried, we had problems. But I’ve grown so much in the last year, I’ve grown up & I think maybe you have too. All I know is you could call me at 3am and in the pouring rain and I would show up at your door. But I won’t force it. It’s your choice now. & if I have to live my life apart and find new happiness then so be it. But I really hope we can meet again, as new people. A little bit older, a little bit different. Because at the end of the day I lost my fucking sanity and the one thing I knew through it all was I loved you.

[dykesbat]

okok songs from my bruce playlist + reasons

first love / late spring by mitski

“and I was so young when I behaved twenty-five / Yet now I find I’ve grown into a tall child… Please hurry, leave me, I can’t breathe / Please don’t say you love me / Mune ga hachikire-sōde”

pretty self-explanatory! bruce is emotionally immature and just. yeah i feel like he oftentimes does feel the same as he did in that alleyway yknow. maybe he’s realizing the depths of how immature he is right here in the moment of recognizing that the person he finds himself loving right now is also someone he could potentially lose. i think of bruce as someone who loves a lot. maybe here he’s acknowledging how the price of loving is the possibility of pain.

everybody lost somebody by bleachers

THIS ENTIRE SONG BROOOOOOO

“It’s this dream I keep having where I’m begging / Just to give myself a break / But there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to wake up and remember it / I wanna wake up and remember”

Bruce being an avid dreamer is a pretty popular concept n idk I think the concept of his dreams diverging from the nightmares of his loss to a dream of him acknowledging that he’s mourning and wanting the world to stop or like. him having a nightmare where the only coherent words he remembers after waking up is just his internal “i’m so tired” but maybe its survivors guilt maybe its just the desperation to hold on to whatever he can of the people that he lost maybe he's just trying to hold on to all the good and the good memories are just. so intertwined with the pain of loss. but he doesn’t want to let go of it

“I think pain is waiting alone at the corner / Tryna get myself back home, yeah / Looking like everybody / Knowing everybody lost somebody... A reason I see myself in a million faces / A reason I can't stop it all from changing / So come on, motherf*^&r, you survive”

i think these lines can be used to represent him turning his pain into his efforts for making gotham better. basically just. redirecting the love into the city and the people rather than only mourning. obv it would be his entire mission after his parent’s deaths. and for canon continuity reasons—since it's a bit more hopeful maybe it's after jason’s death and after tim comes around? idk i imagine bruce remembering his parents and remember jason around the manor hallways and on the city rooftops. the whole “trying to get myself back home” can be like home = the person lost or just. literally bruce trying to put in the effort to dragging himself back home for (himself? tim? alfred? hmm.) n the other lines are just. him seeing himself in gotham and seeing worth in human life. it connects to his compassion and his no-kill-rule and his empathy and his taking in of his children. and like yeah he can’t stop it all from changing he can't prevent every death but he’ll try to. the survive line is also pretty self-explanatory. 

garden song by phoebe bridges

“I don't know when you got taller / See our reflection in the water / Off a bridge at the Huntington / I hopped the fence when I was seventeen / Then I knew what I wanted”

ok so I'm thinking. him talking abt dick in the first few lines. probably after reconciling with him after they've been enstranged for so long and he’s feeling regretful for the mistakes he made there while thinking of their past times together.  maybe he took younger dick to a place he went to when he solidified his plan to train abroad? 

“And it’s gonna be just like my recurring dream / I’m at the movies, I don’t remember what I’m seeing / The screen turns into a tidal wave”

do I have to explain.. avid dreamer bruce,, the movies,, the dream ending terribly,, gn!

“I don’t know how, but I’m taller / It must be something in the water / Everything’s growing in our garden / You don’t have to know that it’s haunted”

idk how to explain it? but just. bruce growing up in a manor that suddenly feels larger than it ever did before. n it feels like he took his parents ghosts w him and left whatever his childhood was back in that alley. and part of him can pick out what he felt on that day. and so much changed and he’s grown? he’s grown older than his father ever was? and he doesn’t know how that's possible?

class of 2013 by mitski

“Mom, can you wash my back / This once, and then we can forget / And I’ll leave what im chasing / For the other girls to pursue…. Mom am I still young / Can I dream for a few months more” 

ok no he is not financially struggling n i will b honest this is a self-indulgent song to maximize relatability <3 but my decision to put this song was also based on the idea of him just. missing him mom so muchhhh?? maybe a dream? maybe the aftermath of fear gas? who knows but here the “forget” will just be for his parent's deaths. I imagine this to be somewhat akin to the mask of phantasm monologue he has at his parents grave. (spoilers for that: he’s basically asking his parents for forgiveness for potentially abandoning his oath of bettering Gotham as Batman). last line makes me #$%^&*( just. hnnnnnnn imagine him waking up blurry eyed and brain fogged and he’s just grasping onto the false belief of his parents still being there n clinging on to the comfort of his pre-crime alley childhood before he truly wakes up. 

 sick of losing soulmates by dodie

okok this is on my bruce + romance playlist too bc it reminded me of batcat and bruharvey. it can also be interpreted as his fam ig? but I feel like that doesn’t apply for most of the song.

“God knows what I would be if you hadn’t found me / Sitting all alone in the dark… What the hell would I be without you / Brave face talk so lightly, hide the truth… Cause I’m sick of losing soulmates / So where do we begin / I can finally see you’re as f$:$:&ed up as me / So how do we win”

 I just think. that. Bruce would have abandonment issues. first four lines can be taken for all three (batcat, bruharv, the family) interpretations. the truth being hidden doubling both as his identity as Batman and just. the fact that he loves them lol (batcat, bruharv). last three lines lean towards bc and bh but personally they reminded me more of bat cat (probably bc ppl always say they’re so similar). basically I feel like this song could signify their fears of losing each other in whatever way that means (romantically, platonically, death) bc they both care for each other so much and impact each other so muchhsuagdj but at the same time it feels like its bound to end badly. (ofc it doesn't. whether or not they like. break up from a romance or have a falling out between friends i’d like to think some time after they heal they become reconnect n their relationship w each other is stronger and so alike what it was before but different bc its just. so much healthier this time. and to copy and paste from my thoughts on my other playlist: bruce crashes at selinas house sometimes and she makes the him catsit for her bc she thinks it’s funny when he complains abt her cats and calls them mean names and then gets a picture of bruce knocked out cuddling them like 30 m later courtesy alfred)

[a-random-ghoulie]

Chapter 1: Jacked by the Jocks

----------

This is my attempt at a fanfiction for eli x reader. Lets see how this goes.

It was a normal morning like any other, waking up around 7:30 and making breakfast. Breakfast this morning was a nutrigrain bar and a Starbucks cold brew vanilla latte. Well it wasnt technically cold, more like warm, but it still got the job done. Its crazy to think yesterday you were staying in a nice abandoned house, and now youre here. In the woods. Alone and sweaty. Hmm, lets see its 6 months after the apocalypse started, so its May. Of course its hot out. The abandoned house had a generator that worked, and supplied you with nice cool air condition, you missed it severely. Oh? The reason you had to leave? The Jocks. They hijacked your crib and took most of all your supplies. (Except your secret stash under the loose floorboard in the kitchen) around 12am they busted in through the back door and shoved you out, stole all your shit and left, what the hell.

Thats yours. Litterally your stuff. You were gonna get back at them oneday. I mean its not like you had anything good anyways, maybe you did have a running fridge, food that was still fresh, PLENTY of gas to power your generator, air conditioning, a comfortable bed....well maybe you did have some good stuff but it was still yours.

The nutrigrain bar you were eating was stale as shit but it was all that you had at the moment. You finished it and looked up at the sky. It hurt to look up due to the fact that you slept on the forest floor last night. You were already tired of sleeping here. You wanted your air condition and bed back. God did your back hurt too.

You got up, packed everything up and began your treck out of the woods. You were pretty deep in the woods too, which was a bad idea on your part, considering ghoulies could sneak up on you at anytime. But you were prepared, youd had your axe since the beginning of the apocalypse. You got it from the shed of the first house you visited looking for shelter. You also had a chainsaw and a hand pistol. You tried to use the pistol sparringly considering you only had so much ammo.

You walked and walked. It was already hot to begin with and this just made it way worse. It took about 30 minutes to get out of the stupid woods and into civilization. Civilization?? I wouldn't really call it that, just a bunch of abandoned stores. You needed more food and water so you headed into the walmart that was closest to you. You knew it was Yung Kopps territory but you really didnt care. You used to hang around them anyways, im sure they wont mind.

You walked into the walmart and headed straight for the snack section. You grabbed everything that was still good and shoved it in your bag. "Hey, is that you Y/N?" Shit. You knew exactly who it was. "Yeah AJ, its me." You said. You heard his feet shuffle around the side of the isle. He peaked around the corner "Hiiiiiiiiii." You rolled your eyes at him and kept picking out your snacks. "Sooo" he said, "Where have you been holding up since you left the Kopps?" You turned to him, "Well, i did have a pretty nice house, but it got ransacked by the Jocks so, i stayed in the woods last night." You said, ashmed of having to sleep in the fucking woods. "Really?! You know you can come back with us right?" He said to you. You could tell he was concerned about you but you wanted to be alone now. "Yeah i know, i just- yknow i want to do things by myself." He looked you dead in the eyes and frowned, "I miss you yknow..."

There it was, youd been expecting it from the start, he always said stuff like that to you. You knew he liked you but you did not want to bring it up. "Yeah, i miss you too. But i just need to be alone." You said to him laying your hand on his shoulder. "Well, if you wanna be alone i heard no ones copped the mall yet. I mean, it has been six months. Its probably infested with ghoulies and mutant rats by now but im sure you can manage." He said pointing down to your axe sticking out of your bag. "Yeah, i could go there, but the malls like. 5 miles away. No way im walking that far." You rolled your eyes. "Oh my god, you lazy ass. You know i actually have a bike in the back if you wanna borrow it." He said with a smirk. You thought on it for a second, "You know, what the hell. I guess im taking your bike AJ." You decided "Haha i knew youd want it." He mumbled as he walked you to the back of the walmart.

He walked out of the back of the walmart and held the door open for you, "really..?" You said. "What?? it IS a bike." Yeah it was a bike alright. A purple kids bike with streamers on the handles. You rolled your eyes, "Whatever, i guess this is all ive got." You hopped on the bike, "Thanks AJ, ill see you around." You smiled at him. He frowned, "Yeah ill see you around too..ill miss you Y/N." You gave him one last look and took off. It was hard to see over your large bag in the basket on the front of the bike but you managed. The seat was also very uncomfortable but you didnt care.

It had been a long time since you felt the wind in your hair, it was perfect. Well, almost. It was missing something...music. you stopped and pulled out your phone and shuffled the playlist. One of your favorite songs played. You looked up at the sky as you put your ear buds in. You took in a deep breath and let it out, "Glendale Mall, here i come."

[anchorshots]

yknow, i was thinking to myself that i kinda wanted to see akasaka again soon... BUT NOT LIKE THIS DEAR LORD

anyways, episode thoughts under the cut!

god, first hanyuu leaves, now this... all of rika’s potential allies just keep getting taken away from her. 

akasaka, the one person rika felt safe around, can be infected. he’s no longer a reliable source of help. she’s never going to be able to trust him if he shows up in other worlds again, is she?

now counting both sonozakis, because we really can’t rule mion out anymore, in every world there’s a 1 in 5 chance for one of them to develop hinamizawa syndrome. that’s just how it goes. rika’s used to that, and she doesn’t know who killed her in watadamashi so she may not be aware of this, but... considering the other people who’ve contracted hinamizawa syndrome this time around... we know.

oishi might be the trigger for said syndrome developing in her friends, but he was also a big help in overcoming fate during matsuribayashi-hen iirc. now he’s officially unreliable because he can fall victim to the syndrome. 

going to the older sonozakis for help isn’t an option, because akane can now be affected and kill the entire family. 

kimiyoshi wasn’t the biggest of helps before, sure, but isn’t he also rika’s legal guardian right now? she’s living with satoko on their own, sure, but that’s a whole other layer of paranoia when you think about it; he can probably get into their house if need be- heck, that’s probably how he got a hold of her that time. she looked like she was in her nightgown when he threw her into the swamp...

him saying that the role of the furude clan’s women is to be sacrificed to appease oyashiro-sama is very interesting, though. i imagine hanyuu wouldn’t approve, but it makes me think of a certain witch of theatregoing she may or may not be connected to, who might derive some entertainment from a furude woman suffering... anything to stave off boredom, right?

and we’ve seen keiichi go off the deep end before, but this instance is new. he’s acutely aware of the syndrome and trying to find some way to cure it while he’s rampaging around angel mort. i wonder what happened to push him to the point of killing everyone inside? was shion there? i didn’t see her among the bodies... in onikakushi he’s just paranoid about rena and mion trying to kill him for being an outsider. he doesn’t really start scratching at his neck ‘till the end, after he’s killed them.

come to think of it, we really haven’t seen much of what’s going on at the clinic at all, have we? iirc it’s being remodeled in onidamashi-hen so k1 can’t go inside. 

takano and tomitake hightail it out of the festival but we never actually hear what becomes of them, and irie’s been practically nonexistent beyond saving satoko... which was probably just to establish that he and satoshi definitely exist.

takano wants rika dead, yeah, but siccing infected people on her isn’t her m.o. she wants to kill rika symbolically and gas the town to death to become a god. based on the ending of tataridamashi-hen, the disaster hasn’t happened at all in this hinamizawa. 

takano and irie both know rika’s the “queen carrier” of the village, and a good chunk of her killers this time around credit her or hinamizawa’s bloodlines as being the source of the “curse”... 

i dunno about you guys but irie seems really, really sus right about now. i don’t know what he’d gain from having rika killed, but the fact that we haven’t seen much of him at all rubs me the wrong way...

and again, he’s connected to the hojos, one of which has ALSO been acting really sus this whole time. and who may possibly also be a looper.

it’s interesting that they confirmed rika goes to st. lucia now, though. isn’t that where shion and ange went?

[luuxxart]

GIVE US THE NEW WARRIORS HEADCANONS UR REDESIGNS ARE AMAZINGJAKMAKWJDKSL💖💖💖

aaaa omG thank you!! :’D I’m actually strangely attached to these characters so I’ll try to do my best to explain the design choices I made and everything

ok so here we go.

SCREENTIME

* first off

* Not an entirely bad name??

* I would prefer Worm tho as a reference to the Morris Worm

* And I did make his design a little more wormy. Kinda Doc Ock-ish.

* So his tragic backstory... Well. Long long ago... when he was just a little kid... his dad fucked his mom.

* Jkjkjkjk. But it would be better than fucking “internet gas.”

* To take this in a darker route, I think it would be cool if his grandad had been experimenting with creating cyborgs and turned his dad into one. And then turned Screentime into one. So Screentime escaped sort of half-finished and is just trying to help others who might mirror his situation of abuse.

* I like to think his first superhero story was he was just like fucking buying bulk ramen and then hears a dude harassing a girl in the next aisle over and is like. huh. word. guess I can intimidate this guy by threatening to take his fucking social security and make it public knowledge.

* Bc he can hook up to the internet and updates his database frequently so he can just Mr. Robot people.

* He’s probably like 18 or 19. Never was schooled and college is kinda pointless when you have the whole internet in your brain.

* So he’s just living in a rundown apartment. Payin bills by doing odd jobs and doin bitcoin stocks.

* On the battlefield, he’d definitely be a mind games kind of guy, but he’d also use his worm limbs for dexterity and could probably discharge bursts of electricity at the cost of losing some information in his database.

* Also it’s probably really hard to tell, but Screentime is my favorite out of the original designs.

TRAILBLAZER

* again! Not a bad name at all!

* Made me think of fire though... and hiking... so

* We really don’t have much information on these characters so they were kinda fun to play around w and I think she was my favorite in terms of concepts.

* Also what the fuck are those red things on her head am I just fucking dumb???

* They look like devil horns. So I’m gonna run with it.

* Ok so she got a backpack from a god.

* Well that god was a god of Hell and also her godfather. Her actual father was another god of Hell. And idk how gods really work in the Marvel universe?? But I think there’s probably at least some high-ranking demons of Hell. I think Hell exists??? If I remember Doctor Strange correctly? (Maybe not Doctor Strange... bro everything is so hard to keep up with)

* Anyway, her dad was killed by some hero traveling through Hell at some point probably. And so she’s been preparing since to go avenge him.

* Then she gets to earth and is kinda like... well, avenging can wait.

* And the reason she can’t just get anything she wants out of the backpacks is because the backpacks are alive. But over time as she gains their trust, they start to become more and more useful. So, like magikarp to gyarados.

* her outfit was so fucking hard to redesign. like,,, I still don’t like it. The backpacks and stuff yes. Everything else no. But it’s better than the Neon Nightmare.

* Her powerset shouldn’t be limited to just her backpacks though. I saw a lot of people complain about that. Bc anyone could steal them from her and use them?

* So I think she should have superhuman strength. Also, her backpacks should only respond to her command. It’d be cute if they were also kinda cheeky about it. Bc yeah she’s a spoiled little brat. But she’s their spoiled little brat so they’re not opening up for anybody but her.

* She’s defo the youngest of the group

* Even if she is an immortal demon kid lol

S

bro I can’t even say it

I’m renaming them Shuriken. Effective immediately.

SHURIKEN

* So Shuriken is non-binary. Which I think is really cool! They’re not the first non-binary character that Marvel has,, bc Loki exists,, but while they’re not a good step forward... they’re a step forward nonetheless and I kinda commend them for at least trying.

* But goddamnit why did they have to go and name them S

* Sn

* please don’t make me say it

* So Shuriken has ice powers that are sort of threatening to take them over. Like if Iceman couldn’t control his powers ig. Their powers sort of came to them mysteriously in the middle of them already having a gender crisis and high school is happening and all that blah and now they’re just like,,, so ,, “superheroing seems to be a good venture right now. Maybe I’ll find myself in heroics and forget about everything else”

* And most of the heroic ideal is on their brother, ,,,, uh,,,, Quarterback,,, who idolizes the “classic” heroes like Cap, Iron Man, and Thor.

* Shuriken prefers reading news stories about Night Slasher and Punisher, Jessica Jones, and just generally, the other edgier heroes.

* But because their brother idolizes heroics so much, it makes it sort of a surprise when Shuriken takes up their mantle before Quarterback realizes anything is going on.

* And how does the ice stuff affect them? They’re sort of on the fence about finding a cure and whatnot. Most people speculate its like later-in-life mutation, but Shuriken isn’t satisfied with this answer.

*they sometimes chop off the spiky ice parts for convenience(they have no feeling in the frozen over parts of their body)

*(I’m toying with the idea of them having a crush on Ms. Marvel ngl)

QUARTERBACK

* not much to say about him? Other than goddamn that neon was terrible.

* Also I’ve seen jocks wear pink, so some youtube dudes complaining about that can fuck off. Maybe not that bright of a shade?

* But I figure with a defensive character, you would definitely want a bulkier frame. At least Power Man levels of a bulky frame? Like I’m not talking Hulk or Thing. Just.. yknow. At least a good Cap size dude.

* Also a blockier costume would make sense. Since he’s supposed to be. Uh. Safe. For people to like,, crowd behind. Like a safe

* Like a safe sp

* Like a

* safespace.

* I also like to think he was sort of a stereotypical jock and then here comes his little sibling (by like,, 7 minutes) who’s finally just like “yo fuck the gender spectrum” and so he finally opens up to his own interests that he’s been burying

* Like the color coral

* Which is definitely not pink my dudiest of dudes ;)

* He’s definitely more

* CHILL

* than Shuriken about the whole ice taking over his body thing. Like, at the end of the day, he’s still a jock even if he did turn out to be a mutant. Like , the world didn’t just end because he’s got some cool ice powers

* Also only being able to create a shield if it’s for others?? What a fucking joke man come on

* He can create platforms of ice and just mainly uses the ice as shields.

B-NEGATIVE

* OK THIS IS MY SON

* not the original he kinda just looked like he took one look at Welcome to the Black Parade and said “I can do that outfit. But crappier.”

* Listen,,,, I constructed a son

* It’s like that thing from that movie

* I was like

* “We can rebuild him...”

* is that fucking robocop

* At any rate, yeah yeah, Morbius stuff is still withstanding

* What if

* And hear me out

* His parents were sort of antivax sort of anti-mutant sort of folk. They get into some sort of car accident when he’s kinda young. He gets a blood transfusion against his parent’s wishes and in the end also gets adopted by this weirdass doctor who probably has some nefarious purpose, considering he used Morbius’ blood in the first place.

* This would explain how he could survive having vampirism since a doctor would probably have easier access to donated blood and stuff.

* Should the blood be going to people who actually need a transfusion? yes, however, this doctor is clearly ,, off his fucking rocker and corrupt as hell,, and what is his purpose?? The world may never know

* I don’t think B-Negative cares about anything. Like he just seems like that kind of character? Totally and inherently aloof and selfish because he’s just been fed blood on a silver spoon his whole life?

* Just does not care

* He does care about music though. Specifically rock(alternative, punk, hard, etc) and the history of it.

* me personally I really like Pink Floyd and I’m not going to,, shove my beliefs onto a character but

* I’m going to shove my beliefs onto a character and say his favorite song of all time is probably Welcome to the Machine

* And he probably will not shut up about how righteous of a song it is and how pertinent the message is

* Bc I think it fits,,, a lot of things about the stuff I’ve wrote with the backstories of these characters

* and yes

* he can perfectly mimic Great Gig in the Sky. the man!! has pipes!!!

* I also think it would be cool if he’s the oldest of them? Like, younger than 21 but he’s out of high school. Just trying to get a bachelors in music history at fuckin uh. NYU probably.

* he unironically likes twilight

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2787

i stayed home last night, so i had to wake up early this morning to compensate for the driving time. but i also got up early enough i could stop at starbucks, which was much needed and a good idea.

i picked up joel, brought him to work, and went up to the school to go to work myself. i had an appointment scheduled for 9am and one for 12pm, so i wasn't expecting to be busy.

i walked in and was bombarded with "welcome back"s and "oh my god how have you been"s.

my first appointment was great.

but then problem students 1 and 2 came.

one came over and bitched about how another tutor couldn't help him. he's the one who follows me around like a lost puppy. i'm like "bro, she don't do this shit, man, she do biology, not finance." and he talked my ear off for a while. i could tell he missed me when i was gone.

the other came over after he left and pulled out her shit to start working. she asked if she could make an appointment to come talk to me, so i said sure. to talk. not to work on these assignments.

so i had to tell her i couldn't help her.

and since she's old and doesn't speak english well i had to explain it like six times.

and then problem student 1 came back, and i explained that i'm not tutoring for classes i'm not specifically listed as because i can't keep doing it. it's not sustainable. i took time off for my mental health because i couldn't take it. plus, socializing puts holes in my cup, and teaching shit i don't know takes it and dumps it the fuck out.

after that, the lady (PS#2) sat and tried to get me to do things for her still, and i said "i cannot do that." i fuckin stood up for myself and the boundaries i made. and i'm still impressed.

but the fact of the matter is that i was not emotionally or mentally prepared for that confrontation to happen on a goddamn monday morning, so all day i was even more exhausted and i ended up actually hurting, physically hurting all over because of it. by the end of the day, i had a headache, my eyes were sensitive and they hurt, my neck hurt, my back hurt, my knees hurt, it really just felt like i'd gotten hit by a truck. not to mention my patience was totally gone.

(thank whatever gods there are that my student who came at noon is a sweetheart and bright as fuck, because i could not have handled another problem student.)

anyway, i took the time after the appointments were done to sit for a bit, and then i went and got food. i sat a coworker over in the cafeteria and he ended up telling me to get mozzarella sticks because there's nothing mozzarella sticks can't fix. and yknow? the man was right. i got mozzarella sticks and a turkey club and some pink lemonade and i enjoyed my lunch, and i also got to meet my friend's new girlfriend (who is just fuckin adorable and i totally understand why they like each other so much, they're literally adorable), and i told her about diogenes and a bunch of random facts about things like the opal earrings she was wearing, and blah blah blah. she's super cool.

after work i went to get joel and i brought him home, and i was just feeling miserable. i brought him back, and i needed to go home anyway to grab shit if i was gonna come back, so i stopped for gas and went home, and i almost burst into tears on the spot i was so relieved to be home and i was so stressed about everything. on the way home i wore sunglasses and had the sun visor down and it still hurt to see. i was puzzled at every driver except for a kind looking old man i was behind maybe five minutes before i got home. everyone else could die in a hole for all i cared. i was not in the mood. i got home and put on my bathrobe and grabbed blooper and flopped on my bed for a bit.

went downstairs, had dinner (shepherds pie because it's delicious), watched movie, (half-) watched an episode of ncis, and came upstairs. i read a fic and now i'm gonna pass out because i'm still fucking exhausted and i gotta be up early again tomorrow. i fucking hate mornings.

i just want joel hugs. like forever. i partly wish i had gone back, but i was in no shape to drive and i sleep better at home. :/

[mieczyhale]

a messy explanation of things and unnecessary information about life lately

soooo... right. i’m sorry i haven’t really been around aside from popping in here and there, and that i’ve been taking longer than usual to reply to things / not replying to things at all. it’s NOT that i’m upset with anyone or trying to ignore / avoid anyone, and it’s not that i don’t care / don’t love talking to you (whomstever you may be) i love chatting with y’all and wish i could get myself to reply to things quicker but i do not control the me lmfao honestly my sleep has never had a schedule but in recent weeks it’s kinda been operating like there’s a lil gremlin in my head who spins a wheel and picks my sleeping times at random - and it’s either like.. two hours or most of a day. there hasn’t been a lot of in between so that’s a thing!!

also in a fun added mix of maybe sleep?, missing meds, being stuck in the house more often than not, and the FUCKING EVERYTHING happening in the world right now my mental health is... probably run by the same goblin that runs my sleep schedule lmao consistency whomst?? since the lockdown started the depression has of course been around more but actually, worse than that, is how my anxiety - and by extension: my ocd - have really amped up and i need y’all to know that the struggle is painfully real (and another thing that affects shit like my replies and writing. reading as well. fics have been kinda stressful and that should be illegal. who authorized this?) i don’t hate talking about it but i don’t really like it either?? especially like.. in depth. but i will say there has been crying, screaming, pain!, and i’ve acquired a few physical injuries.

so

yeah

on a personal level - a ‘just me’ level - shit is an even bigger mess than usual lmao but all these things will get better eventually - they always do. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NOW

ON A PERSONAL LEVEL - THE FULL LEVEL - THINGS.... are pretty great actually! i mean aside from the state of my fucking house e__e but Josh has been working from home for two (2) months now and it’s been really nice - people complaining about their partners being home?? can’t relate. yknow what?? i just might love that tall bastard even more from all this.fuck all y’all miserable fucks

we’ve been going out for drives and we’ve gone fishing and the only place i’ve gone too that’s re-opened is goodwill. because i require.. the shop. they do have a masks required rule! (at least at the one here) and, alongside that, the places we’ve gone that never closed (like grocery stores and the gas station and the hardware store) have social distancing rules and stuff in place which i love. can we keep social distancing after this is all over?? more things here in wisconsin are opening up and we might go to some. idk though. we also might not. either way its still a weird kind of exciting to see things opening back up?? even though i do think we’re not totally in the clear because most of our gov. sucks (our mayor tried to extend our stay-at-home order - keyword there is TRIED. we are the land of cheese, cows, and no fucking braincells for anyone) 

having pets is obviously not a new thing for me but it’s still a thing. so it takes time and effort and energy and patience and love and a certain disregard for your own safety (claws. they really be as sharp as you think) so... it can be stressful, especially cuz we’ve had to keep them inside more as it gets hot out and something keeps breaking our porch screens (our cats are allowed onto our screened in porch or they can go out in a harness but we will never let them run free outside. fuck that noise)  my bbies are all so cute and their personalities and idiosyncrasies are just... *chefs kiss* i love em and they’re definitely a part of what has made quarantine better

i’ve seen my mom a few times, like for my birthday and when she needed help moving Isaiah from one dorm to another and such, but that’s primarily been an option because she has become anti-mask and anti-stay-at-home-order. initially she wasn’t - she gave Isaiah and i fun lil masks since at that time trying to buy them would be impossible and she thought nothing of staying home - but i guess either as its dragged on or as she’s consumed her middle-right wing news that changed s o. she does take social distancing in public very seriously though, so at least there’s that. our favorite coffee shop, where we - pre-lockdown - always went one (1) or two (2) times a week to do art for hours re-opens on monday and that’s one of the few things i’ve truly missed.

josh’s camping trip for this weekend with his friends had to be cancelled because the parks weren’t going to open in time. so today they’re going somewhere to do at least some of the things they would have done if they had gone camping. bikes, bonfires, and cigars. i’m kinda jealous negl but he was really excited about it so mostly i’m happy

trying to figure out how human services was running things during lockdown was rough but thankfully it didn’t take much to get it sorted. mostly because my mom made the phone call i was supposed to lol (the phone anxiety is on its own level) so wednesday afternoon my mom sat with me while i had the appointment with my psychiatrist over speakerphone (which was.. an experience)

ummm.....

OH YEAH! Probably absolutely my favorite thing that’s happened is: WE’RE STARTING THE SEARCH FOR A NEW HOUSE!!!! it doesn’t mean we’re gonna be moving soon or anything, we don’t want to make the same mistake twice (buying the first house you tour that you love) because while it is a great house ultimately it is way too small for us. i mean there’s me and josh, all six cats, and ALL OUR SHIT. listen: i have an entire room dedicated to my various hobbies. and a walk in closet that isn’t big enough. and we both have collections we love and want to display (right now upstairs its hello kitty and downstairs its astronomy and the titanic. and then there’s pop figures, mtg, collectibles, our bottle collection and various knickknacks, etc.) plus all our books! then furniture and cat furniture (i.e towers) and all their shit because they are spoiled babies. and god forbid we ever have a human kid?? yeah. it’s just not big enough. 

so we’re gonna take more time with this choice but what we do know is:: we wanna live out in the country (i’m paranoid and don’t like to be looked at and he loves the outdoors, lived on a farm for awhile. i also enjoy the outdoors but mostly since we moved into this house i’ve struggled with doing anything outside... while we only have one neighbor on our road. but there’s one across the road and one at the other side of our backyard and that’s just too much lol) 

lets see.. um.... my birthday was may 2nd and that was pretty nice, for a pandemic birthday. there’s been a lot of stuff happening involving josh’s family but that’s not something i really wanna get into on here, tho i will say things have been better in recent weeks and it’s been... really nice. josh and i went to his mom’s house the other night and got drunk with her for fun and i actually had a really good time?? and didn’t complain about going?? that’s kinda unheard of.

i don’t have a job anymore - haven’t since early march-ish - and it kinda sucks but also the universe really did me a solid because my choices were either allow myself to work until i have a mental break again or quit. and i was leaning towards quitting (things had been going down hill with the owner and other employees and just the business as a whole for awhile and there’s a limit to the amount of bullshit i can take thanks) but now it doesn’t seem i have to. why do i think i’m jobless? i was barely working anyway, bc of the snow business was slow, and in march i got really sick and stayed home for a week. the day i was supposed to go back i was still sick, and covid19 was starting to become more of a serious situation everywhere, so josh called in for me and explained that between still being sick and my anxiety over covid (asthma + a not so great immune system) i wasn’t going in that day. i never heard from them again. so. 

but it’s all good - there are some options but i’m not looking into them seriously until it’s safe to.

SO

THAT’S ALL OF FUCKING THAT ON THAT

i felt it wouldn’t be a bad idea to come on here and explain A. what’s been going on and B. where i’ve been and C. that if i haven’t responded to you or acknowledged something you sent me / tagged me in it’s literally just because i either forgot to (for all reasons and none) or i don’t have the mental space / energy to. but that doesn’t mean you have to stop talking to me! even if i don’t respond or respond immediately i do read everything and i would die for any one of you fuckers (especially my clowns and the tom hardy movie) 

oh! and just btw - sometimes i don’t get notifications (quelle surprise) tumblr and skype should really pair up and talk about their truly great systems that function so well /s 8| ANYWAY: the best and most reliable ways to get my attention are twitter ( @/mieczyhale) and discord (same name) because i have yet to see their notifications fail. ahem.

i feel like i’m missing things / forgetting things but honestly this post is long enough and also enough of a rambley mess that i’m just gonna try and ignore that feeling and carry on with my goddamn day so i might actually accomplish something. sorry if there’s spelling off or missing words. i’m not taking the time to re-read this and might even delete it bc it’s already giving me anxiety bUT WE’LL SEE ALRIGHT HI AND BYE I LOVE YOU GUYS <3

[hoodwinkedtoohoodvsevil]

sappy "i've loved my spesh for a year now" post

[[MORE]]

one year ago today, i got into twrp.

that's not to say i wasnt familiar with them before june 3rd, 2019. my big love was nsp, so i very much knew and appreciated them! i remember when nsp played on conan i was so happy for all of them and hoped twrp was getting just as much credit as nsp because they totally deserve it! i remember listening to guardians of the zone a couple years back in david's car and latching onto rock n roll best friends (my first favorite twrp song and still one of my faves!) and listening to that a lot. i remember the third starbomb album coming out last april and thinking, wow, this is definitely their best album musically because of twrp's instrumentation! and of course, like everyone else, i was obsessed with starlight brigade when the video came out, and recognized it was twrp's song featuring dan, not just a dan project. but i didn't have their names memorized, and for whatever reason, i thought they were all silent performers? like, i thought none of them talked and sung only talked/performed with talkbox. (i mean, i was like 60% right? at least at the time.)

on this day last year, i was showing my best friend arin and suzy's (gg) hot pepper gaming videos and then i noticed twrp's in the related videos. i was like oh my gosh! i didn't know twrp did one of these! and you can imagine my surprise when sung and meouch started talking fhfhdjdlfj i was literally like WAIT THEY TALK??? I REALLY THOUGHT NONE OF THEM TALKED. it's always really funny to look back on. and even though they spent most of that video suffering i thought they were so funny and likeable that i was like. maybe i should finally actually get into twrp.

and holy shit.

there's so much to twrp that i know i didn't do it all in a day. it's hard for me to get used to a band by listening to all their music once, so i took it album by album. i started with guardians of the zone, because i was already very familiar with it. listened to that on loop for a while, then moved onto together through time since it was their most recent album at the time. then, i went backwards from there.

i searched for all the lore i could. i read wiki pages, spent literal hours reading reddit AMAs, watched every video on their youtube channel and the hour long compilation of their instagram videos. this all took place over the span of like? a few days? a week? it's hard to say really. i fell so fast.

from that point on, i have so many stories, we would be here all day. i remember listening to believe in your dreams on repeat the day i became a d*sney trainer, and the literal day after that, they released hidden potential. then of course, the release of return to wherever, which i listened to nonstop for ages. the album is my jam because i love albums with a cohesive theme and songs that blend into each other. it's hard to beat together through time, but rtw comes really close.

i saw them for the first time live on july 30th, 2019. unfortunately, something happened that night that changed my life for the worse. but that wasn't twrp's fault at all. the show itself was incredible. i'd never been to a general admission concert of one of my faves, it was absolutely surreal that they were all right in front of me. and of course, they put on a hell of a show. they always do. god, i love them.

on august 9th 2019, i went to my first sung stream. it was a party stream and i'm on the east coast, so i stayed up until 3 AM to hear sung give me my first talkbox shoutout. i recorded it and still have the video. it made me smile in the early part of a very dark time in my life.

i made a lot of friends in that stream, we all shared twitters and i'm still friends/mutuals with all of them! and i've only made more friends since, especially at nsp10. nsp10 was incredible for many reasons, but a big one was that the three hours my fiancé and i were waiting outside the venue to be let in, we were just walking around saying hi to my twrp friends, meeting a bunch of them for the first time. and i made new friends! i remember standing in a group, shivering in my heart boner cosplay, and one of the guys saying "you're artie, right? i follow you on twitter, i love your cosplay!" he seemed like he was really gathering the courage to say it to me, he had no idea how happy it would make me! (shoutout to logan! you're awesome!)

really, if any of my twrp friends are reading this, i love you to pieces. meeting you has definitely been a high point of the last 365 days.

again, i have so many stories. but since this is already so long i'm just gonna cut to march 5th, 2020. that was the night i met them. now, i'm not a shy person at all, and over the past few years i haven't really been very socially anxious. i'm able to carry myself in conversation, even with strangers. but i've never met a fave before. let alone four faves at once. so, naturally, everything i had planned on saying completely left my brain. but they're literally the best, so it was still an absolute dream. the first thing sung said when he saw me was "hey you look great!" (my outfit was clearly inspired by his own, fancy orange hat and all, so he probs wanted to Respect The Drip but he was right regardless and also HOLY SHIT) and i had my baby porg gary with me (the sunshine of my life) and they all interacted with him and it was super wholesome.

they played two nights in orlando, and i went to both shows because of course i did. first night was great, second night was even better even though that was my GA show. they played life party on night 2, which might as well be my favorite song of all time. it has carried me through every bad moment since i first heard it. big and small. i have a lyric from it tattoo'd on my arm as a constant reminder that i'm alive, and that is something to be ecstatic about. i also had more room to dance and move around on night 2, and dance and move around i did. then, when the show was over and scatman played, i got out everything else i had. august-november 2019 was actual hell for me, and i was still dealing with the aftermath of it all. but that concert high made me realize, holy shit! all of it is over! it doesn't matter anymore! twrp carried me through one of the roughest periods of my life, and met me at the finish line with a fucking gold medal. i fucking did it. now i have none of the bad, and all of the good. it was one of the best feelings i've ever had, and one of the happiest nights of my life.

since then, twrp continues to keep me going. of course the world has been a total shitshow, but everyone's streams (especially the twrp show) have been the highlight of my week every week.

i've always considered myself a very positive person, but last year was a very bad year for my depression, as well as traumatic at times. and i've always had problems feeling understood. i still do. but twrp said hey! literally nobody understands us. not even ourselves! but that's okay! we want you to be happy and feel loved and supported no matter what. and i really can't thank them enough for it.

this part is mostly for another longer post, but i wanted to mention it since it's also really important. i fully came to terms with being a mlm last year after years of compulsory heterosexuality, and twrp played a big part in me exploring and accepting that about myself. and i was already very secure in my gender identity when i found them, but hearing "this song goes out to all the ladies, fellas, and everyone in between" shook me to my very core. i've never loved a band that literally said "shoutout to trans/nb people" at every concert. god. i love them so fucking much.

so this was even longer than i expected (and i expected it to be long bc yknow. spesh.) but i just have so much love and gratitude for this band. every day of my life i'm so thankful that doctor sung, commander meouch, lord phobos, and havve hogan exist and are spreading all this love and positivity to their fans every day. i've never loved a band like this, and i probably never will. they are truly special.

and it's only been a year!!!!